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relapseprevention · 3 years ago

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Why Do Addicts Relapse? Know the Triggers

Between 40 and 60 percent of addicts relapse while in recovery from drug addiction, according to the National Institute on Drug Abuse. This means that, for every two people who seek drug addiction treatment or abstain from substance abuse for a period of time, one will relapse. The thought that an addict will still relapse even after treatment makes some people continue with their substance abuse. They feel that there is no need trying to get sober as they might still end up failing. In most cases, though, the brain of an addict convinces them that they are doing the right thing. When one takes drugs, the brain produces dopamine, which controls pleasure. After a long period of use, the brain re-prioritize essential activities such as eating, going to work, and taking a shower, among others. So during recovery, individuals take on a whole new experience of re-training their brain to see healthy living as the new standard for survival. Instead of getting high or using drugs, now it’s time to stay sober and take on a new lifestyle. Doing this can bring up quite an inner conflict for a lot of us. So it’s extremely wise to equip ourselves with understanding: why do addicts relapse, what is it, and how does it happen?

How Does Relapse Happen?

During recovery, an addict might relapse more than once. Sometimes, an addict might remain sober (or think they have recovered fully) but then relapse after many years. A good example is when actor Philip Seymour Hoffman was found dead in his New York apartment in 2014 after mixing heroin, cocaine, benzodiazepines, and amphetamine. Before his death, Seymour claimed he had been sober for 23 years.

Like other chronic diseases that recur after treatment, addiction (as well as mental health disorders) take a lifelong health “management” role. Put simply, addiction is considered a brain disorder where an individual convinces themselves to engage in compulsive drug use despite knowing the harmful effects. It’s not always so realistic to say to an addict, “just stop using”. Several factors can cause a relapse. Most of these factors might be extrinsic, but in most cases, the motivation to go back to substance abuse stems from within.

What Causes an Addict’s Relapse?

After going through treatment programs, people expect to go back to their normal lives free of drugs. But that is not always the case seeing as sobriety is not guaranteed. The end of rehab sometimes means going back to an environment where an addict once used drugs. The reality of this environment, along with certain people, or things can evoke emotions and memories that bring the urge to abuse drugs. The duration of addiction influences an addict’s likelihood of relapse. For instance, an addict recovering from a lifetime of alcohol use is likely to relapse than one recovering from a year or two of frequent binge drinking. The factors that contribute to relapse rates, triggers, and recovery vary. When an addict yields to triggers, relapse is more prone to happen. To manage these triggers, an addict needs to seek aftercare services.

What Are Triggers?

Triggers are feelings, thoughts, emotions, situations, things, places, or relationships that literally “trigger” an urge to go back to drug use. Triggers can happen randomly, without expectation, even after so many years of abstinence.

For instance, running into someone from your drug days who is still using the drugs can bring up unwanted memories that inspire intense drug craving. Or driving past your favorite bar while visiting your hometown can result in the curios temptation to check it out “one more time”.

To avoid the most common relapse triggers, many people use the acronym: HALT:

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

People in recovery need to avoid extreme hunger, anger, loneliness, and tiredness.

Other relapse triggers include:

stress

insomnia

anxiety or depression

physical illness

certain social events

friends who negatively impact your recovery

peers, coworkers, or unfavorable individuals

life crisis

emotional events

anger issues

major life changes, such as moving

Being aware of your biggest triggers is crucial in recovery. Addicts relapse generally when they feel an aspect of life is out of their control and they close off to the support in their lives. Therefore, it’s incredibly helpful to understand where to turn to if any of these things feel extra heavy on your process.

Maintaining Treatment Plans After Rehab

Treatment does not stop after rehab. A patient needs to continue with withdrawal relief medication if necessary, and attend therapy once in a while. Many years after treatment, the patient still needs to avoid triggers, like staying away from friends who do drugs and building their social lives around other sources of fun. When an addict takes the right conscious steps towards recovery, they increase their chances of maintaining sobriety for a lifetime. A treatment plan after rehab provides the care a patient needs to prevent a relapse. The plans include cognitive behavioral therapy and 12-step education, both of which ensure the addict avoid triggers that will result in relapse. Many addiction treatment centers have an aftercare service and follow up with their patients to ensure they do not relapse.

Sober Living and Supportive Community

Sober homes are effective in helping addicts deal with life after rehab. According to research published on the US National Library of Medicine Journal, Oxford House in Illinois has found great success in handling patients after rehab. Oxford House operates as a non-profit organization that runs sober homes in different parts of the US, among other countries. Those recovering from substance use disorders run the homes – they help each other like in AA meetings. After six months, new officers get elected to run the homes. According to the study, patients who completed their treatment at Oxford House were less likely to relapse compared to those who used conventional aftercare services. The patients in the study were tracked for 24 months, after which they showed significantly lower rates of substance abuse. After treatment, a patient needs a strong support system while staying sober. Immediate assistance needs to come from family members, friends, peer mentors, work colleagues, support groups, and recovering coaches. This group of people helps the addict in challenging times, and they are there to prevent triggers.

Other Warning Signs and Triggers

Several internal and external triggers can lead to an addict’s relapse. Any circumstance that recreates a situation that leads to addiction is likely to cause a relapse. Other factors that can cause a relapse to include: Fatigue: When one is stressed mentally or physically, they feel fatigued, and this can affect their everyday tasks. When the stress is too much, one feels the urge to numb the fatigue with alcohol or drugs. Depression: Depression will likely occur with or after addiction. During a period of depression, a person tends to oversleep, they lose interest in activities they once thought were fun, and they have difficulties focusing. If an addict recovering from substance abuse experiences depression, they will likely try drugs to find relief. Physical Pain: Alcohol numbs the pain. According to studies, reduction in physical pain reduces the chances of relapse after alcohol treatment. Dishonesty: Failure to express feelings such as anger and resentment can lead to relapse. People recovering fail to express their feelings and instead make excuses for tasks not accomplished and when they are frustrated by other people. As a result, these feelings trigger a relapse. Self-Pity: When one is recovering from substance abuse, they might pity themselves since they cannot attend some social events or go to the bar with friends. When an addict feels sorry for themselves, or they dwell on the negative impacts of fighting addiction, they might re-seek comfort in drugs. Idleness: If one is unemployed, lack hobbies, or feels bored, they have no money and spend most of their days idle at home, they might relapse to drugs. Research found that risky drinking is more prevalent among the unemployed.

Conscious Commitment and Mindful Activities Help Prevent a Relapse

In most cases, recovery takes years. While an addict can go to rehab and come out after six months, the recovery process does not stop there. To achieve lifetime sobriety, an addict needs to stay committed to the process consciously. During recovery, the patient needs to attend counseling and meetings such as Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous. According to a 2014 study published in JAMA Psychiatry, mindfulness-based programs such as meditation help reduce the chances of a relapse. When combined with traditional mindfulness prevention programs, such as recognizing triggers, these methods are more effective in keeping an addict sober.

Addiction Relapse and Social Stigma

To an addict, addiction is a private affair, especially among celebrities. Generally, addiction is stigmatized, and this stems from the fact that most people misunderstand addition. When someone is addicted, the brain prioritizes drug use to survival. When the need to use drugs supersedes a person’s survival instincts, a person risks their life just to use drugs. While people will see using drugs as a way to express problems in the family and at work, addiction is a disease that most people want to get out of but can’t.

Preventing Relapse

Addiction is irrational. An addict might lose their physical health, mental health, their job, family, friends, and everyone they care about, but the drug will still pull them back. The drug does not care about the consequences. As such, besides the addict doing everything to prevent a relapse, those around them need to offer a strong support system to help them avoid triggers and find them a replacement for the drugs. An addict may not handle a relapse on their own, seeing that their addiction works against their efforts. If you need help with addiction, get help today. Or if you feel a desire to relapse, reach out to a professional in your community.

Call Opus Health today at 949-264-0191.

#relapse prevention #drug addiction #alcohol addiction #addiction treatment

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kiran-escaping-realities · 4 years ago

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Name: Kiran Thakkar Age and date of birth: 35 years old, June 14th, 1985 Preferred pronouns & gender: he/they, non-binary Occupation: Sponsorship-sales Representative for Brisbane Roar FC Place of birth: Birmingham, UK Neighbourhood: Kangaroo Point Length of residency in Brisbane: 1 year Faceclaim: Manish Dayal

Below a small introduction of the character, some headcanons, and wanted connections!

SUMMARY OF THE BIOGRAPHY

Trigger warnings: car crash, death, drug use, addiction, fear of death, rehab

Kiran grew up in a strict family which often resulted in protecting his little sister Sweetie and never going to a single party or after school activity. At eighteen he got married as part of an arrangement that he fully supported with his best friend Neha. Neha and him both started studying around that time, and promised each other to not blame the other for letting go. Kiran did a whole lot, and so did Neha, but once they were together again, all of that faded to the background. Six years after their marriage, when Kiran had just finished his business master degree, Neha and her family died in a car crash. Kiran, not knowing how to deal with losing his wife, took to drugs. At first he tried to keep his mind occupied other ways, but drugs were easier and quicker. His parents were the first to figure it out and send him to rehab, where he learned ways to control his addiction but not how to deal with his sadness. It didn’t last long before he relapsed. Eventually he decided to start over somewhere else, taking his skills to Brisbane, checking himself into rehab once more time before he left, and promising to himself to stay away from all of it. Which so far he’s been capable of doing.

PERSONALITY

+ Compassionate, Forgiving, Observant - Aimless, Delicate, Escapist, Miserable

Kiran is somebody who needs people around him, he fears being alone with his thoughts. He loves hearing other people talk and is always eager to make a new connection. He’s very curious but shy to talk about himself. He avoids hards topic when they get too personal and tends to appear a little closed off.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

Kiran has been in Brisbane for a year, and he goes around a lot, so if you have any connections that could work for him, feel free to message me!

Neighbours: Kiran lives in a small building that has three floors, he lives on the first, with another apartment on the second and third floor.

Friends he’s met at the bar: Kiran frequents the bar very often, though he stays away from alcohol and often goes home early when the going gets tough.

Fellow soccer fans: Kiran works for the Brisbane Roar soccer club, he goes to every game, and he’s always enjoyed the game, and he enjoys playing too himself.

House party friends: because he doesn’t go to bars till late, he sometimes invites people to his house to play board games or watch movies or in general just talk and chill and eat some chips. He probably has about four of these friends who end up at his house often.

Swimming buddies: Kiran takes a swim in the sea whenever he’s able, often only to do a few laps because it helps him calm down.

HEADCANONS

Kiran is extremely righteous, although this rarely shows, he’s recently managed to start a movement within the soccer club to get more money for essential jobs, voicing his opinion that without them the club wouldn’t be able to hold soccer matches at all. He was vocal about it for four months before the actual essential workers took over what he had started, and he doesn’t take pride in it, he’s mostly glad he managed to change something for the better. He will stand up for any injustice, even if he doesn’t know the finer details of it all. Neha and Kiran used to go to protests together whenever they could, and while the act of it reminds him of her, he doesn’t let his own personal trauma stop him from doing what feels right in the greater picture.

drug use tw, nightmares tw. He hasn’t touched a single joint, alcohol bottle, or any type of drug since coming to Brisbane a year ago. It’s proven hard, and in order to keep his mind occupied he’s been keeping himself busy with other ventures. He has taken up swimming again, set up a shrine in his own home to help himself calm down after nightmares, and tries to get out of the house and in the company of strangers as often as possible. His job also asks a lot out of him, and it has helped keep his head straight.

car accident tw After the deadly car accident his wife and her family were in, Kiran has had several issues getting behind the steering wheel. Outer city roads especially scare him, and if he’s able to, he’ll bike or take public transport. It was easier in London, where everything was connected by any type of transport, but for his job he sometimes has to visit clients. He takes all the precautions and doesn’t allow anyone else to drive with him. He’s never actually been vocal about his fear of driving, and he doesn’t wish to be either.

addiction tw, rehab tw, death mention tw He has more self control than people who know about his addiction - he’s still not capable of calling it former addiction - give him credit for. He’s seen how deep he can fall, he’s seen how bad it can get, and he’s learned how to call himself back before falling in too deep. Of course if not for rehab, he knows things may have gone differently. He was at his lowest before his family found him and sent him to rehab, he hasn’t been as low since, but he also hasn’t completely accepted the truth of Neha’s death. He still seeks for an escape rather than meeting the feelings head on.

#intro #car crash tw #death tw #drug use tw #rehab tw #addiction tw #fear of death tw

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howaminotinthestrokesyet · 4 years ago

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Wherever They May Roam: Jason Newsted

Jason Newsted was born on March 4, 1963 in Battle Creek, Michigan. His family would relocate to Kalamazoo when he was 14. His early family life would take place on a farm. The guitarist essentially was raised initially as a country boy. He would later say this in an interview. "It's where I learned about life – seeing a baby cow born right in front of your eyes when you're eight years old is pretty intense…I was from a very strong family and I was raised to be a strong, pure Americana farm boy." His mother began teaching him piano at the age of nine, but at the age of 14 he switched instruments to the bass guitar. Some of his musical heroes ironically included the same ones as a Cliff Burton like Lemmy Kilmister, Geezer Butler, and Geddy Lee. His inspiration for switching to bass came after listening to Gene Simmons of Kiss on an album. In 1981, Newsted left Michigan with the hopes of starting a band in California. He and a friend made it as far as Phoenix, not California. He helped to start a band called Dogz, which later became Flotsam and Jetsam in 1983. They specialized in the newly found genre of thrash metal. One of the bands that they looked up to at that time was none other than Metalica. Their debut album was released in 1986 on Metal Blade Records entitled Doomsday For the Deceiver. At that time, Newsted not only played bass, but he was also the primary songwriter and lyricist for the band. That same year, Metallica auditioned new bass guitarists following the tragic death of Cliff Burton. Although Flotsam and Jetsam had a bright future, Newsted decided that he would try out for Metallica. The bassist competed against 50 other guitarists auditioning for the job. They included bass players from other established bands like Trestament, Megadeth, Blind Illusion, and Heathen. Newsted would be the last one to audition, so in preparation he had learned most of the songs that the band would be playing for their next tour with Ozzy Osbourne. Upon walking into the audition, the bass player handed Lars Ulrich a list of all the songs he knew how to play. Metallica named Newsted their new bass player at a second meeting, where they had even invited his parents. His mother would say to him that day, “You are the one. Please, be safe."

His first live performance with the band would take place in July 1986 in Reseda, California. His first recording with the band would occur on the 598 EP: Garage Days Revisted followed by his first feature length album, And Justice For All. This became a less than auspicious debut for Newsted as the album’s bass could barely be heard at all causing Ulrich and Hetfield to complain at length about the production quality related to the mixing of the album. Newsted would go on to perform bass guitar on Metallica, Garage Inc., Load, Reload, and three live albums. He sang backing vocals on the tracks for “Creeping Death,” “Whiplash,” and “Seek and Destroy.” The guitarist co-wrote the songs “Blackened” and “My Friend For Misery” during his tenure with the band. His last performance with Metallica took place in November 2000 at the MTV Movie Awards.

On January 17, 2001, Jason Newsted announced his resignation from Metallica. The backstory to this will be discussed at length in my article on the St. Anger album. Newsted had wanted to pursue a side project called Echo Brain, but James Hetfield was quite vocal as to the fact that the band should reject any thought about such a thing. In a 2009 interview, he looked back at his decision to quit. “I tell you very honestly, one billion percent, I have never regretted leaving Metallica. It was the right thing for everyone. It was the right thing to do for the camp. That's it. I've never told anyone that I wanted to go back or anything like that—not once. I made up my mind. It was not an easy thing to do, but it was something I had to do. I thought about it very much before I pulled the trigger and because of that, I have never looked back. The past is where it's supposed to be." The aftermath of all this along with Hetfield going into rehab almost led to the break up of Metallica. Despite all this drama, the bassist remained good friends with the band even appearing on stage with them over the years including side-by-side with his replacement Robert Trujillo at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame induction in 2009. The guitarist was subsequently inducted into the Hall of Fame with the rest of the group that night.

In 2002, Newsted joined the thrash metal group from Canada Voivod as their newest bass player. He would appear with them at Ozz Fest 2003. On that same tour, he filled in as the bass player for Ozzy Osbourne‘s band ironically because their bass player Robert Trujillo had left to join Metallica as Newsted’s replacement. He had discussed possibly making an album with Ozzy Osbourne, but following the completion of the tour these plans never saw the light of day. Jason went on to record two albums with Voivod, Katorz and Infini. For the latter album, the band’s website noted that Newstead played all the bass parts on that particular album. Sandwiched in between the release of these albums was his participation in a super group called Supernova. This was only meant to be temporary as it was based on a television show creating a new band using recognized musicians to find a new lead singer. In the fall of 2006, the guitarist injured his shoulder trying to move an amp head in his studio. This would lead to a hiatus from playing as he endured a lengthy rehab. Two things came out of this rehab, positive and negative. On the plus side, his girlfriend later his wife artist Nicole Leigh Smith encouraged him to begin painting, This is a hobby the guitarist still continues to this day. His first gallery showing took place in 2010 with many of his original paintings being sold. Newstead said that his artwork is quite similar to his music, crazy and colorful. On the negative side, Newsted relapsed into his addiction to pain killers, which he had struggled with earlier in his career. The good news is the guitarist has said that he has not touched a painkiller since 2010. More recently, Newstead has been involved in three other projects. In 2010, he participated in a super group called WhoCares, which included Ian Gillian, keyboardist Jon Lord from Deep Purple, guitarist Tony Iommi from Black Sabbath, second guitarist Mikko Lindström from HIM, and drummer Nicko McBrain from Iron Maiden. The group created two tracks for charity including “Out of My Mind” and “Holy Water,” which was sold online. In 2012, he formed his own group called Newstead, which would go on to release an EP and a debut album called Heavy Metal Music. Any reference to the group has faded away since 2014 as the guitarist noted the project became a little too costly as he had to put up most of the money for it. “It cost me an awful lot of money – hundreds of thousands of dollars to take the Newsted band around to the 22 countries we played." In 2016, the guitarist formed an acoustic group call Jason Newsted and the Chop House Band. The group has performed a variety of live dates in small venues around the country in the past few years.

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novantinuum · 4 years ago

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I wasn't clear, sorry. I was thinking about any story in general. But now that you mentioned it, the questions can be applied to those about mental health also, if you're willing to share or if you have any.

kjdsfgj ahhh okay, thank you for being willing to clarify for me! It’s late and I’m tired, please excuse me. XP

Hooo boy, do I have all sorts of half-baked ideas bungling about, though. It’s actually a huge problem, ahah. The moment my brain hits a wall on one fic, I jump to working on another, or create a new one all together, and rinse and repeat until eventually I finish one of them and can post.

Some random concepts or half-written ideas I have:

A fic wherein Greg has to try and figure out how to explain the concept of “being part Gem AND part human” to a toddler for the first time. I figure that- since Steven probably spent a lot of time around the Gems when he was very young, he might’ve for a while assumed that everyone was like him, had a gemstone somewhere on their body, and... hoo, boy. I feel a certain way just trying to contemplate the first time someone sat the boy down and essentially had to tell him that he’s unique and there’s no one else like him in this world. ;w; That being said, this fic is on hold, because I’m AWFUL at writing children and thus am at a block. You may laugh, but there’s a reason I mostly only write Steven when he’s old enough to be angsty already- it’s easier for my jaded adult mind to wrap around.

A fic wherein Connie discusses nonbinary identity with Steven. (Through Stevonnie, Connie has discovered that being seen as neither man or woman feels... really great?? And Connie wants that.)

A fic wherein through weiRD Gem magic stuff, Steven ends up zapped back into the past, and gets to like... yell at a Very Pregnant Rose. Rose is very confused. Steven gets some great catharsis.

A fic from Lars’s POV wherein (pre-movie) Steven ends up showing up on Lars’ doorstep in the middle of the night and they play video games while having deep conversations.

A fic wherein Lapis reforms after Reunited and is greeted by Peridot, and they have a bit of a debrief/convo about their past hurts together. Lapis formally apologizes for leaving Peridot behind and taking away all of her stuff.

A fic wherein this time it’s SteVEN talking about nonbinary identity because apparently I can’t project enough, this time trying to explain the concept of they/them pronouns to the Diamonds, and trying to Very Kindly ask the three of them to not refer to them as ‘he’ anymore, and dreading this whole conversation because Steven thinks they’ve already asked enough just getting the Diamonds to stop calling them ‘she,’ and, ,,,

A fic wherein Stevonnie returns from the jungle moon incident, only to be met with a very frantic Dr. and Mr. Maheswaran and Greg and CGs, because they’ve been gone for DAYS and basically, this is just an excuse for Connie’s parents meeting Stevonnie for the first time.

Those are just a few of the many chaotic ideas I have bungling about ufshjfjnsg

There’s a few mental health related fics I have in mind, too. One of them is a WIP I won’t be sharing for a while, for a zine, that I aim to focus on the theme of relapse, and how healing takes time- but how support from loved ones goes a long way to ease that path.

Another one is the mentioned follow-up to Intake I just posted about.

A third is something... I have written personally for myself and won’t ever be sharing in full, because it’s actually rather dark and doesn’t really contain any immediate catharsis. Kept under the cut for what I recognize is potentially triggering content. (TW: self harm)

The third idea is generally (and I wrote this before SUF, for the record.) the concept that- after feeling numb and lost for weeks and weeks, Steven slips into unfortunate habits and starts to use a Gem destabilizer on himself as a means of self-harm. He excuses it by the fact that “it’s not really doing any harm” since he’s half organic and can’t poof, but use that sorta thing for long enough and the current running through it still stings. This then becomes a dangerous stepping stone to worse habits, which he continuously covers up with his healing magic. (Though eventually, even with magic, he still scars.)

This is the sort of thing that... while I’m okay describing in brief here, I don’t feel comfortable posting it in full in public, because it IS something that is overtly 100% vent fic. (I am... honestly both relieved and surprised I’ve never seen the idea anywhere else, though? I would’ve thought this idea would’ve been a shoe-in for a character with healing magic, but what do I know.)

#jen rambles #jen way way WAY overshares #sorry lmao #parallelmarvel-main

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overtrolled-liveblog · 4 years ago

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[5927-38] Intervention Part 1

So substance abuse and addiction in general is like, a recurrent element in this story. How many times do we hear the phrase ‘addiction is a powerful thing’? A few times at least. Rose’s Mom begins as an alcoholic. Roxy begins as an alcoholic. Gamzee begins as a sopor addict. Rose develops a drinking problem. Terezi develops a (faygo) drinking problem. Roxy has a relapse.

There are even some less relatable fixations which are compared by the text to addiction. Vriska keeps breaking her 8 balls. Aradia in her ghostly depression breaks things. Equius keeps breaking things. These kids know their behaviors are hurting them and they can’t stop themselves.

A couple thoughts on this section:

We are given a sense here that addiction is transmissible, or that it has an origin, or a trigger. Gamzee had a substance problem because he was neglected by his caretaker, and then he in turn passes on substance abuse to Terezi (although the substance is different). Rose has a substance abuse problem which is tied to her mother’s drinking problem, and the relationship appears to be causative in some way.

Interestingly, Gamzee tries to get Eridan to drink Faygo back in Act 5, but this doesn’t work. Eridan is ambivalent about drinking it. It does not repel or attract him. It is only after Gamzee is off sopor that he succeeds in enticing others to drink

One of the first people we see Gamzee speak to (the first from his perspective I believe) is Terezi, but we don’t really see them interact after that. They are spoken of but concealed

This conversation is essentially the inverse of a conversation in the retcon timeline in some ways, especially when it comes to Dave. On page 5937, Dave says “i cant do the quadrant thing its just too weird for me / im not a troll and im not all open minded about gettin multicultural” Yet in the retcon timeline, Dave says roughly that both trolls and humans are complex sapient being that can learn to relate to each other on the issue of sexuality. Dave is kind of in stasis, he seems to relate to trolls the same as he did in act 5

God, I know this not by any stretch a novel point but these kids have to deal with such shit. Like of the twelve betas, only Karkat, Terezi, Kanaya, and Gamzee are both alive and on the meteor. Gamzee grows distant and leaves Karkat, Terezi and Karkat’s relationship is strained, and Rose and Dave have a relatively new and awkward relationship with him. Karkat seems genuinely afraid that John and Jade won’t like him, and it’s in part because he barely has anybody left, and he basically already lived through losing his friends once

#A6I5 #homestuck liveblog

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blackfemmecharacterdependency · 4 years ago

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19. What They Deserve

5336 Words, No triggers detected.

People loved to hear about the trials and tribulations of others. That was the core of half of the entertainment sites. Grace didn’t like to put her hurt on display, but she did want to reintroduce herself, or rather, debut the new Grace to the world and she realized that would entail people bringing up her past and/or intruding on her private life.

For instance, people would ask her how her relationship with her parents is…

Grace’s first day out, her mother was in the car whenever she got in. They were driven, in silence back to the estate, where guards were posted for the occasion, in case someone noticed or tried to get in, as they sometimes did. Her room was still the same, but there was someone there to help her pack up her essentials and her pleasures. She was going to be moved to a secure location that people didn’t know about, because her parents didn’t want the family house to be any more of a sideshow that it had been following her institutionalization.

Her mother still had not said anything to her and it took hours for her to go through her personals and decide what she couldn’t live without and see the things that she could live without go into a donations box or a trash bin. “Where are all of my pictures of me and Simon?” she asked, when she opened the designated box for those.

“Surely, you’re joking,” was the first thing her mother said. She tossed the box into the donations. Her father didn’t even show up during this time frame. By the time she was moved into her new home, she had only gotten one word from her mother and none from her father. So, whenever someone asked about them, she would say, “How is everybody’s relationship with their parents? It’s personal. It’s a relationship between one and one or two more people, and their dynamic and their emotions are fluid. The three of us have very different wavelengths and concerns, so my relationship with them is something between me and them and then, my relationship with you all is what’s between me and you.” She’d laugh a little, but after a few times, people got the message.

People would ask her about her mental health - if she was better, what happened in the first place, does she think it could happen again, etc.

Hazel wound up in another facility after a few months with her new foster family (mere weeks before Grace was released). The charm bracelet was sent back to her and for several days, she didn’t know what that meant for Hazel. If she was okay, if she was hurt or worse. They had only told her that they thought that she should have it back, then failed to communicate anything else about Hazel, for legal purposes. Grace was in shambles, until FINALLY she was told that Hazel was fine, but she had a relapse and was “in turtle form” for several days, making them have to take her to a doctor and seeing her file, they committed her for 72 hours. She was fine and heading back home.

When Grace got out and looked her up, she was no longer at the same home. She had been redirected elsewhere… They couldn’t give Grace that information at the time. She thought she would lose her mind trying to contact someone who would be willing to help her out with this information, but most of them informed her that such information was secure for the safety of the child, and she understood it and couldn’t argue with it or convince them that she was more concerned for the safety of this child than anyone. It remained at the forefront of her thoughts.

“I went somewhere to get help. I got help. A lot of people just get bounced around in life and never truly get the help that they need or deserve. I’ve been very fortunate, so I try to focus on that. Some days, I succeed. Some days, I do not succeed. I feel good today.”

They would ask her about new music, what beauty products she used now that she was no longer associated with her old brands, and if she would be dancing again. All things that she still wasn’t completely certain of yet, but lighthearted enough that she didn’t get too stressed out about that line of questioning.

The questions that brought her the most visible displeasure and clear distress were the ones about Simon. What about your relationship with Simon Laurent? Nobody has heard your side of the story. Have you seen or talked to Simon? Are things well between you? Has he forgiven you?…

“I don’t speak about Simon. The most that I can tell you is that I hope he has what he needs and gets everything that he deserves.” They might try to make jokes to prod about what she thinks he deserves, but she generally redirected the conversation. “He deserves what he deserves, and that’s what I hope he gets.” She would smile and nod, but her eyes would be sad. Eventually, people stopped asking her about him. She began posting dance videos, remixes, and songs again. This time, being confident in herself and away from her parents. It was no longer an escape from her life, because her life was lonely, but she was happy with it. There was freedom in her world that she hadn’t imagined in the past. She had more followers than ever before. Some people still called her Apex, but she never put that into any of her bios or captions, herself.

She had a routine that worked for her wellbeing, from the time that she spent in the center, and she still had very regular sessions with her therapist, not to mention a medication regimen that assisted in her wellness.

Anyone who wanted to contact her did so through someone else who would be the go-between, just in case. She moved out of the house that her parents placed her in and found something more suitable for her style, and closer to Julliard, because she still wanted to try to go, if she could make it in. In the meantime, she enjoyed the music scene in New York, branched out to finding new artists that she hadn’t heard of, made a few new friends in the industry, got hired for music videos and song demos. Some days, she expected to wake up and discover that her life had all been a dream. She would wonder if she actually did spend over a year in a mental facility, if she had gotten into some trouble with Simon, if she ever actually had met Simon… He seemed so far away, so long ago and so unfamiliar sometimes. But, whenever he did come back to her, he came flooding back.

Like if somebody casually asked, “You got kids?” and she remembered that while the answer was no, she had gotten pregnant at 16 and was so stressed out, that she hadn’t noticed for several weeks that her body was behaving differently, and that she spent several more trying to figure out what she would say, what she would do, how she would handle this. “No, no kids. But, I did have to make a decision to terminate a pregnancy when I was younger.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. There’s a stigma about it, but it was something that was best for me and I don’t harbor anger or disgust with myself about it.” Then, she could remember Simon’s eyes, his hands, other parts of him, the way that he held her, the things he had said to her. She would have to try not to cry and if she did, be totally honest, “Sorry. I haven’t really thought about the guy in a while, and I’m just in my feelings, Don’t mind me.” She didn’t like to lie, if she could help it. She tried to be as honest as she could these days, without saying too much. But, she had a pretty good crew in NY. They always were understanding and if someone said something, they’d gather them up pretty quickly. Her therapist told her that friends do things like that. It made her feel bad. She thought that friends shared everything, and since she was still very closed off to these people, she didn’t really consider them to be friends of hers, just associates that she really liked.

“That can be considered friendship, too. You don’t have to tell every friend that you have your life story and every person who you share mutual connection and kindness with isn’t going to be your lifetime bestie. Just enjoy the company of people who make you feel good and let the people who you make feel good enjoy your company.” That’s what she did.

She got into Julliard when she was 20 and she was pretty known in the music scene by the time she was 21. Grateful that she had been able to finish high school in the institution and happy that she hadn’t gotten so comfortable that she was afraid to get better and leave there. Because, she was living a life that she had always wanted, and whether or not she deserved to, she told herself that she did and she was sure to enjoy it.

That bitch was trying to ruin him! Simon could hardly catch his breath as he paced outside of the hearing for his academic integrity. She’s just mad that you’ve done BETTER than she has, with her work!

It was one thing when she was taking her bitterness out on you, telling you that your weapon failed to meet the requirements of the assignment, even though it was theoretically FLAWLESS. The CIA spoke with you about your plans for this weapon! But her? She told you to stick to something that your “childlike little mind” could actually comprehend the endgame of. “How about your little robot figures?” she’d taunted.

Other students had laughed. LAUGHED! His project was miles ahead of everyone in that class, and her tone was disrespectful and condescending! “I haven’t had a childlike thought in my mind since I was 10, you old bitch!” It just stumbled from his lips. She frowned at him and demanded an apology to her and to the rest of the class. He snatched his presentation supplies and stormed off. He’d be damned if he apologized for her antagonizing him! He heard a few more laughs and he knocked the items off of her podium on his way out. He knew that couldn’t work out well… at least in hindsight, he did. In the moment, all he knew was rage.

He even sent her an email apologizing to her and the class and offering to replace anything that he damaged in his outburst. She had only replied to him not to return to her class until further notice. But… he needed her class. It would throw off his entire educational trajectory not to be able to come to her class! Even for a few days!! He was almost ready to grovel. Almost. That would be too much like showing weakness. He apologized, what more could she want.

So, Simon filed a complaint on her, accusing her of being combative, rude, and making her classes toxic environments. Now, the Committee on Discipline was meeting to look over all of the details of her complaint.

“I truly wanted to give young Mr. Laurent a moment to think about his actions in the classroom and to realize the err of his ways. His complaint against me during this time, being both unfounded and untrue, caused me to have to rethink my decision. I don’t think that Simon Laurent is capable of the behavioral status that we require of students here. I don’t think that he has the temperance for all of the criticisms his flights of fancy are sure to get over the course of his career. I gave him the option to try another avenue for the assignment, as his assignment, while a very significant project did. Not. meet. The. requirements. Of. the. Assignment. He needed to be able to give us a small demonstration. His project was a weapon. He could only grant me a simulation and that is not what I asked for. Telling him this incited him to rage in which he disrespected myself and his peers, disrupting the classroom with his antics. Like a child, throwing a tantrum.”

Even then, his face was looking like all he wanted was to murder her right then and there. When the committee allowed him to speak, he changed his tune. He was calm and even voiced. “Professor Hughes made a lot of points about me and my particular struggles when it comes to being disregarded. I did respond angrily and I know that it was wrong of me to react the way that I did. That’s why I sent her an apology after I had the chance to cool down. But, she didn’t decide to turn me into the committee until after I filed a complaint on her for even bringing me to the point that I had such a meltdown in her classroom in the first place!” Amelia frowned and members of the committee shared various facial expressions.

Simon looked directly at her and said, “I’ve been a long time fan of your work and your accomplishments. I specifically fought to be in your classroom because of the way that I regard everything that you’ve done throughout your career and I just wanted the privilege to be able to learn from you. But, you’re very unkind. You make people feel bad. You don’t think about the things that you say to people and how those things might affect them. You didn’t even care about my psychological makeup until you could use it against me in these proceedings. You humiliate people in front of others and you don’t even break a sweat.”

“This is not my hearing, Mr. Laurent.”

“But, it matters to this hearing, because I never would have reacted that way if you weren’t being so abrasive.”

“That is a word that men like to use against me whenever I meet them with the very same energy that they put out. I’ve been called worse. By professors, colleagues, and for over 30 years my own psychological settings came into play whenever a discussion was to be had about me. This isn’t about your mental disposition. It’s about your behavior. Your angry and hostile behavior at any old sign of criticism!”

“Professor Hughes,” one of the committee members said. She went silent.

Simon proceeded, “I know that I’m not good at handling criticism, especially coming from a woman. My mother was… difficult to communicate with and the only other woman I was close to…” His eyes grew damp. “I’m sorry. My education means a lot to me and I’ll do anything to stay here.” He rushed out of the chambers, covering his face as he did. Amelia pulled herself up to go check on him. He was in the waiting section, in a seat in the corner with his back to the wall, still covering his crying face. She took a deep breath, grabbed a seat and sat next to him.

“There’s not a person in that room who isn’t familiar with the hardships you had to face in order to get here. We know about your family. We know about your abuse.” He wiped his face and glared at nothing in particular. “We also know how smart you are. You were able to get into this school based upon your intelligence. Nobody is doubting that you are capable of doing great work. I wasn’t even implying that I hated your work that day. But, it wasn’t the proper assignment, Simon. I needed you to give me one thing, you not only gave me another, but you refused to even consider that what you were trying to give me was impossible to meet my requirements. Then, you got angry because you had refused to listen to me in the first place. Now, I admit… I’m not the most courteous member of staff at this institute. I can be…”

“Bitchy.”

“Unapologetic.” She chuckled. “Let me tell you, I know how it is to be in a room full of people who underestimate you and make you feel like you shouldn’t be in the room. There wasn’t much respect for female engineers in my day and there’s not a proper amount even now if you ask me. Half of this staff is composed of pretentious, pompous, puffed up paragons, and it takes next to nothing for anybody outside of their ideals to be met with disdain. What you did, by reporting me was to make me a target. I disagree with your evaluation of me and I can’t tell if it came from a place of genuine thought or retaliation, but you can’t be trusted to continue your education here unless you are willing to listen to others, especially those of us who are trying to help to teach you!”

He wiped his eyes with his sleeves. “They’re gonna kick me out. It’ll look bad on me, and all of my research and work from the past two years might not even matter anymore…”

“That doesn’t have to happen, Simon. Listen… I think you’re brilliant. I am willing to vouch for you this time, under the circumstances that you see someone about getting professional help for your responses to adversity.”

“You… want me to see a shrink.?”

“I think you could benefit from getting mental healthcare and I don’t want you in any classroom of mine unless you do.”

He shivered. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world. She went back in to explain this to the committee and he went through the campus counselors, hating most of them whenever he met with them, switching every time he didn’t like something about one of them, making very little progress, but still fulfilling the deal he made with the committee, for a time. He and Professor Hughes bickered a lot, but he had kept his temper in check whenever she aggravated him, and he eventually settled on a counselor that he didn’t completely hate, too.

He’d always come in, not at all wanting to speak to them. He tossed some books on the table and said, “That’s my dream journal, my intrusive thoughts notebook, and the standard journal. Look through them and then tell me whatever you need to tell me for me to get my paperwork signed off on.”

The man pushed the books back to him and said, “I’m not going to read those, but you’re free to talk about anything that you’ve written in them to me. Let’s start there.”

Simon flopped into the seat and rolled his eyes, “There’s nothing in these that I want to talk about. That’s why I wrote them in here. You’re the brain person. The information gets to you whether you read it or I say it.”

“Okay. Well, let’s see what the first entry is in this one…” He picked up the standard journal and read out loud, “I saw that they let the void out into the world again… What’s the void, Simon?”

Simon turned red and didn’t answer. After a while, the man continued reading, “It didn’t look like Grace. It was beautiful like her, but it looked older, which makes sense, because it was gone a while, and now it’s back…”

Simon snatched the book from his hand and stuffed it into his backpack. “This was a bad idea. I’m not here to talk about or hear about the void.”

“I don’t know what the void is, but you wrote about it, so I’m inclined to believe that you think about it.”

“I’ve seen it!” Simon snapped pounding his fist on the desk. He took a deep breath. “I had a vision, at least I thought it was a vision. Whenever I was 16, when I was with my ex… we weren’t together for a long time, not that way. We were friends, first. We were friends for a long time, but I always loved her. I loved her before she even knew herself. I loved her with all of my heart.” He picked at his forearms where his tally marks were. “She just saw me as a friend, even though it was obvious that we should be together. Maybe I pushed too hard. Should’ve just left well enough alone. I had to have her and what I got was something else. She wasn’t the same. That wasn’t the girl I loved and I didn’t know it until I saw this… vision that I call the void. It came out of her, it engulfed her and consumed her and it took her place.”

“In a dream?”

“I’m not crazy.”

“I would never use that word to describe anyone.”

“I’m not whatever word you would use for crazy people! I know that it wasn’t real. But, I saw it and I knew that it was what replaced my friend. I hated it for taking her away, and I hated her for letting it. The void was just a way of dealing with the separation. I omitted everything connected to it from my life.”

“You voided her out.”

“Yeah. The person who looks like my friend got out of a mental institution a while back. That’s what that entry was about.”

“Do you honestly feel like the person who you saw is a different person than the one that you used to love? Do you believe that this void that you saw replaced her and that the entity you refer to as the void is now existing in the form of your friend?”

“What? No. I’m not crazy!”

“I’m asking you if when you refer to your ex as The Void, is that because you don’t see them as the human that you knew or because you have purposefully reduced them to something subhuman?”

“What difference does that make?”

“One would be purposeful dehumanization of someone you didn’t like and the other would be out of your control.”

“Nothing is out of my control,” Simon said.

“Some things have to be, Simon. Like the fact that you don’t want to be here, but the school is making you in order for you to remain enrolled. You can’t control everything, not even everything in your life. But, just because you can’t control everything, that doesn’t mean that you don’t control anything. So… Did you force this dehumanized version of this girl into your mind, or was it something out of your control?”

“I… I created it. I didn’t want to see the person that I needed turn away from me, so I imagined her as something else.” The man just nodded. “But, she made me do it! She was going to…” he shook his head. He couldn’t think of what it was that Grace had done that was so wrong. He needed to think back, remember the pain she caused him. Remember the damage she was willing to inflict… but, he felt like he was grasping. There had to be some reason. He couldn’t believe that he spent close to what 4 years now hating her for something that she didn’t actually do… No! She definitely was going to hurt him more than anyone ever had. “You had to know her. You had to know who she was to know what she could do to me.”

“I looked her up. She recently gave an interview about you. I can send you the link, if you haven’t seen it and are interested.”

“Grace did an interview about me?” He shook his head, “Whatever she said, she’s lying! It didn’t happen that way!”

“Simon… why don’t you do this… See if you can handle what she has to say and we can speak about how it made you feel next time."

Simon left pretty upset. An interview? She hadn’t had anything to say all of this time. Why now? Was this some sort of reckoning against him? He waited until he got home, glanced around him at all of the destruction he’d caused in the past but few weeks. He had been enraged so frequently that he couldn’t even see his floor.

But, he couldn’t rush into this. First, he picked up his mess, put things away, discarded what needed to be thrown out thanks to his destructive anger, and washed up for the night. No working on any projects or hobbies. Nothing that he loved or cared about in the event that this interview pissed him off. He let his hair fall and grabbed his phone. They were easier to replace than laptops. You could STOP raging when you get mad… Yeah right. And risk doing it at school again? They’d put me out for sure.

He opened the link and the first thing he saw was Shana’s face. "This is already a bad start."

"Hey Shady Kindred! Welcome to Shady Shana’s Dish, where we partake of both relevant and ratchet news. I’m your host, Shady Shana and today, I have a very special guest. My… frenemy turned… friendly associate?"

Grace laughed. It sounded like music to Simon, even though he glared at her. "Let’s.. just say associate.”

“OOF. Shade. Okay, well… classmates, former classmates, at the very least. This is Grace Monroe. I think my audience would definitely know you. From your videos and songs and stuff. But, let me dish this out, I saw homegirl perform live in NYC, and this bitch had a cello. Okay? A cello! She was singing some opera stuff.”

“I don’t sing opera!”

“She was hitting high notes, this kinda alluring witch noise… you sounded like those tuning things, but like high-pitched… you had to be there. Just… check out her page. I’ll have her links in the description. She’s working on music, putting stuff out all of the time and also attending Julliard. Many talents, very beautiful, sweet, when she wants to be… But, we’re actually here to dish about something that Girlfriend hasn’t talked to anybody about in a long time. Mr. Simon Laurent.” Shana exaggerated how French she said his name and had a look of disgust when she did.

He rewound to see Grace’s reaction. She nodded. She had prepared herself for this. She didn’t look angry or grossed out. Faking. Lies…

“Yes. I agreed to sit down with you in your really nice little studio here and talk about how I feel about Simon.”

“And just to let you messy ones at home know, we will not be speaking about the old school stuff. Grace was nice enough to give me an exclusive about her current day, so if you came to see what she wanted to say about the old stuff, this will not be the place. What he did do, didn’t do, how he done it, naw! None of that! So, I guess, my first question about it is how would you describe your current feelings about Simon Laurent?”

Grace laughed nervously, licked her teeth, sputtered out air (Simon hadn’t heard that sound in so long), and she shook her head, “It’s a loaded question. Ummm… I can’t say that I really have feelings about Simon. I have memories. I know that we were virtually inseparable for a long time. I know in my mind who I thought he was to me when we were younger, but, none of that has had any real bearing on my life in a while.”

“You don’t think about him or nothin?"

"I mean… I’ve thought about him, but no, not like actively. It’s not a part of my day. It’s more like an occasional experience, when something triggers it or… even sometimes, it’ll be put of nowhere, but just not often. I don’t even know what Simon looks like right now. If you were to trick me and have him backstage or whatever and he came out here right now, Girl - it might take me a moment to recognize him.” Simon felt himself trembling. She didn’t even check up on him? She didn’t want to know? Of course she didn’t! She didn’t care about him..

Shana laughed. “Well, not to be messy…” was her trademark line for when she was about to say something really messy, “Sounds like he’s basically become, what did you two used to call those mediocre types? Non-essential!” Grace’s lip dropped and she titled her head and squinched her face, “Well…” she said in a high pitch, “I… he’s not present. He isn’t part of my life. He detached himself from my life, and I had to learn to move on and now, there’s simply no attachments. Like, if I ran into him, no, I might not know him right away, but the moment I realize, I’m sure I’d be overcome with emotions. I couldn’t tell you how I’d react.”

“Would you uppercut his ass?” Grace cackled and covered her face. “I mean.. if anybody deserves it…”

“I don’t think I’d uppercut his ass, as you so eloquently put it. I think… I’d check to see how he’s feeling. How he’s doing. If he’s found his peace now that I’m not there to affect anything. If he’s better off without me, like he figured he’d be.”

“Sooo… if I can get you two in a room, you wouldn’t even lay hands on him?”

“I… remember what happened. I remember how it felt. I remember pain. But, since then, I’ve learned empathy. I’ve learned pacifism. I’ve learned healing. So, it’s not that I’ve forgotten how hard that time was, but I’ve forgiven everything and I’d just be curious if he had forgiven things too.”

“Whooooooooooo,” Shana let our a long deep breath, “You are better than me. Because if I see him, it’s hands on sight. He’d better not have his head turned. I’ll bust him right in his neck vein."

Grace laughed and shook her head, waving her hands, "I do not share in this sentiment. If you are a Simon stan, do NOT message me. I didn’t say anything bad about this man.”

“Which surprises me, because I know YOU won’t say anything about this, but I’ll say this and I’ve said this to him, as well… I still think that a lot of the things said about you were not true and a lot of the things done to you were just something that basically the lowest form of scum would do to someone. Something a… girl, I’m reaching back for this terminology… it was some… null type shit. Somebody less than zero would do that kind of thing, to anyone, much less someone that they cared about.”

“Well… I can’t speak for him, but you know… maybe he didn’t care about me as much as he seemed to… maybe these things are things you do to people you hate and maybe that’s what it was always gonna be with us. That’s why I would ask him how he’s doing. Maybe he was tired of being stuck around somebody he resented. I don’t know. But, I’ll always value any type of growth that I have. And if nothing else, Simon was definitely a harbinger of growth in my life.”

Simon didn’t realize that he was crying. Shana and Grace wrapped up the show and it went off with some music video that they worked on with a little girl. He didn’t watch it… his vision was too blurry. But he heard the song asking “Where would you be, without me?” And he couldn’t help but feel attacked. But, he closed out the video. If she wanted to see him and ask him how he was doing, sure… he could make that happen…

#If They Didn't Get on the Train #AU Infinity Train #Infinity Train #Nesha Fanfiction #Infinity Train Fanfiction #fics

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evokewellnessflsite · 4 years ago

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aion-rsa · 4 years ago

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Infinity Train and Manifestations of Trauma and Abuse

https://ift.tt/3b40KOO

In the third season of Infinity Train (subtitled Book 3), one single aspect among many sticks out: the shots of characters placing their hands on each other’s shoulders. In the crazy, random events that occur on this grandiose, mysterious train, characters reach out to each other, eager for connection, longing for trust, pining for affection.

Then when certain revelations disrupt understood and accepted relationships, the meaning and of these gestures shift. Suddenly, reaching out for others is dangerous, portrayed as movements of panic, fear, control, and manipulation. They become violations of personal space. These denials devolve into warnings, then threats, then all-out violence. Such events exemplify the theme and power of Infinity Train season 3. The show depicts the ways trauma and abuse manifest themselves, even in those we love, and the harrowing ways people have to elude the brunt of it.

Infinity Train’s overall development has been shocking, ingenious, and powerfully clever. It began as a broadly vague but character-specific fairytale of a young girl who had to face the truth of her past, and her relationship with her parents’ divorce, in which the train’s purpose could be distilled down into creating distinct worlds within each train car that provide assistance to help its troubled passengers become their best selves. The second season tore apart the premise and saw a mirrored doppelganger of the first season’s protagonists break free of their original train-car world, only to be confronted with the raw truth that the denizens of each car world serve no purpose but to advocate for the progress of the passengers.

The third season pushes this notion even further by taking a closer look at Apex, a group of passengers who have in effect tossed aside the story, who thrive in the train with little concern for the denizens of the train worlds–the “nulls.” They aren’t looking to get better; or, more accurately, they believe the act of getting better consists of increasing their number (humans who arrive on the train are assigned a number that glows on their hands; as they perform acts of generosity, bravery, compassion, or overall acts of goodness, that number goes down. Once it reaches zero, they can go back home). To them, improving one’s moral or ethical perspectives towards a self-actualized sense of peace isn’t how one gets better. To the Apex, becoming a raw, primal, carefree agent of chaos is true Enlightenment. (The Apex also have a complicated belief system where the conductor of the train, a small robot named One-One, is “fake,” and the “real” conductor, a human that took over the train way back in season one, is the One True conductor.)

Grace and Simon, the leaders of the Apex, take their wards on occasional missions to other train cars where they loot, pillage, and destroy the world within them with glee. It’s brutal to watch, even if the denizens–the nulls”–are just anthropomorphic objects. On one particular mission, the train “shifts” (relocating the entire car, basically), leaving Grace and Simon to traverse the cars to get back to the Apex HQ. Along the way they meet a young girl named Hazel and her large, powerful, protective companion, a gorilla named Tuba, who has literal tubas connected to her. Hazel intrigues the Apex leads, partly because she’s human, and the Apex recruits humans, but partly because the number on her hand doesn’t glow, while the others humans’ numbers do. The course of the season at first is about venturing back to the Apex car while figuring out a way to get Hazel on the Apex side and ditch/dispose of Tuba.

In the course of this mission, however, Grace grows more and more affectionate towards Hazel, opening up to her about her past and establishing an “older sister” dynamic to the girl. Grace’s careful manipulations to pull Hazel away from Tuba and towards her ends up also bridging Hazel and Grace closer. Simon, however, gradually starts to feel pushed away, particularly in an episode where they meet Simon’s former companion, a cat named Samantha, who ran away from him when he was younger and at his most helpless. Grace apologizes to Simon for her neglect, but this moment also plants the seed in which Simon’s broken, vicious downfall begins. In the following episode, Simon begins to step up his direct challenges to Tuba, and while Grace tries her best to maintain some kind of peace, Simon finds a way to “wheel” Tuba–to essentially kill her.

It’s an explicit, horrifying moment, and Simon expresses no remorse. Hazel, completely distraught, rushes out, but when Grace follows, Hazel transforms into a strange, turtle hyrbid. Hazel is not human but a “null,” and the revelation instantly makes Simon a real, vicious threat if he were to find out. Now Grace has to use her skill for manipulation less as a mechanism for weaponizing and control, but as a tool for protection and survival. It’s genuinely nerve-wracking to watch Grace wrack her brain in subsequent episodes to keep Hazel’s truth a secret and to keep Simon off guard. It’s even harder as Hazel struggles to keep her true emotions at bay, bottled up due to the direct fear that Simon will kill her.

The human characters that traverse this train all struggle with some kind of personal failing or struggle, but the Apex’s worldview only exacerbates the issues. Grace, for her part, channelled her loneliness and isolation into crafty acts of desire and attention, and directing that towards Hazel inadvertently starting on the path to healing. But Simon never was afforded any potential outlet for compassion or empathy. We don’t get a backstory about him, but it doesn’t matter. Samantha “leaving” him traumatized him, and seeing her again triggers him in the very direct and honest sense of the word. With no real outlet to cope or learn (Simon doesn’t get a chance to really venture the cars to even somewhat develop; Grace at least seems to explore a bit), his trauma and pains festers, solidifying into three unhealthy, self-rewarding truths: a quasi-love for Grace, a power/status role in the Apex, and a misguided understanding in the purpose of the “true” conductor.

How The Ren & Stimpy Reboot Reignited the Debate Around Animation Gatekeepers

By Kevin Johnson

So it’s inevitable that Simon wouldn’t care at all about Hazel’s loss, pain, and/or fear. Simon’s inability to provide support or empathy towards Hazel, not two episodes after Grace shows sympathy towards Simon’s traumatic relapse over losing his past “null” partner, is telling. Simon’s pain is based on what he believed to be his past partner’s betrayal and abandonment, which partly explains why he doesn’t trust nulls, but he also weaponizes his pain and trauma, wielding it the very ways abusers often do: guilt trips, passive-aggressive behaviors, snide and unsympathetic remarks (“I got through it, you should be able to, too” – never mind that no, Simon clearly has not “got through it”.)

Simon’s more committed belief into the “real conductor” narrative suggests he copes with trauma through this belief structure (and also by pouring a deep amount of meaning and vulnerability into a quasi-romantic pursuit of Grace’s heart). Other people who interfere with either of those two things are automatic threats, and ultimately disposable. It explains why when Simon sees the memory of Grace telling Hazel to keep her secret under wraps, to keep it from Simon, he doesn’t see the raw threat of real violence he has become, but the victim of some kind of audacious conspiracy against him, particularly from the person he loves.

Simon discovers the ability to “see” this memory by returning to Samantha and asking for help (Samantha possesses keener insights and access to the machinations of the train than most denizens). An uneasy, fraught alliance between them occurs when Samantha explains her past actions; while not ideal, at least had a reason. Simon asks her “why” Grace is shutting him out, but it’s remarkable how he literally can’t see–or refuses to see–the obvious: he “wheeled” someone, he terrorizes their new ward, his aggressive behavior, once proudly thrown at the nulls and worlds around him, has turned towards the one person he supposedly cares about. He’s become dangerous, but can’t grasp why people would be scared of him.

It’s the ultimate in abuser mentality. It was always burgeoning in him: a white, male nerd-type (he is introduced painting figurines and writing a fantasy novel), epitomized in his ability to manipulate his own emotions and then callously kill Tuba. Simon’s surging toxic sense of masculine control builds in a slow-moving trainwreck manner: he’s made vulnerable when he sees his original betrayer (so he thinks), he challenges himself with a unnecessary wager (“I bet I can take Tuba”), faking new found affection for her until the point he can finish her off, and when not provided with the praise he thinks he deserves, believes everyone else is wrong to react this way. Amelia’s presence (the human who once took over the train but now finds herself wandering about to try and “fix” things to make amends), destroys his entire belief structure behind the false and true conductors, specifically, the very point of the numbers. “Numbers are power,” Simon says, ruefully. “Numbers are numbers,” Samantha shoots back, calmly. But to Simon, that can’t be. Simon is humiliated, but Grace is scared. That line about men’s biggest fear is being laughed at and women’s biggest fear is being killed? It feels apt.

Watching Simon become more hostile is difficult, but at the very least, Hazel is able to escape, leaving with Amelia to learn about herself. Grace is clearly hurt, but like with Hazel, Simon doesn’t understand why. And so he gets “grabby,” in the kind of possessive, jaw-dropping, cringey way that signals instant trouble. He snatches and pulls at her arm in one deeply dark moment; in the next episode, he shakes her by grabbing at her shoulders. The following episode, he callously tries to grab at her shoulder again for her attention, and this is the point where Grace swats his hand away and unloads on him. The argument is cut short though when Simon attacks her with her own memories, a sort of specific, literal type of gaslighting that nevertheless Grace manages to overcome (“So my memories are real until you don’t like them, then they’re fake?” Grace shoots at Simon at one point during the memory venture).

Yet here is where my singular criticism of this season occurs. Grace relives both her distant and recent past and the show portrays Grace’s behavior and actions as personal fears of self-honesty instead of inherited techniques and actions to minimize and avoid Simon’s abusive reactions. Grace is far from infallible: her manipulations were self-serving early on, but she also recognized Simon as a threat at some level, so to portray this as a failing, even a little, feels disingenuous. Simon was kicking and punching at Amelia just one episode earlier, and it was a sound waves shield that protected the viewer from what very much would have been brutal. Grace was protecting all the parties involved to the best of her ability and to the best of her understanding of everything that she learned up until this point.

The final episode does address this, somewhat. Grace returns to Apex HQ a new, honest, introspective person (her number has shrunk considerably). But she finds herself at odds with the entire Apex crew, manipulated by Simon against her. They almost “wheel” her, but the Apex crew is mostly children, so they demure. But Simon confronts Grace with the uncontrolled anger he cultivated all this time. He says the words that all abusers say: “You made me do this,” attempting to force Grace to apologize for doing the very things she needed to do to ensure her and Hazel’s survival. Powerfully, Grace does say that while she made mistakes, the choices she made to lie to Simon to protect Hazel were not among them, and she stands by those, even when directly confronted with Simon at his most dangerous. She also refuses to apologize for Simon’s pain and conflicting emotional/violence state. Those two beats should have hit a bit harder though. This narrative beat emphasized what those moments for Grace really meant, not just for her, but as a broader response to the ways in which abusers justify their abuse.

Simon and Grace fight, and their battle is up-close and personal. Grace bests Simon but still saves him from being wheeled, but in the season’s most shocking moment, he pushes Grace off the train anyway. Grace, miraculously (and somewhat randomly, as it’s not common for random train denizens to leave their train worlds) is saved by a few nulls she helped restore to life; Simon, his number so high that it covers his entire face and body, is killed by a monstrous bug-creature that lives outside the wastelands that surround the train.. Grace, a changed woman whose number is now much lower than where it was when we are first introduced to her, tells her young Apex wards to seek out their own unique, special truths, and work to be better people so they themselves can be free.

Infinity Train’s greatness stems from its ability to open up its characters in the kind of ways that a lot of weighty, rich shows these days can do, like Bojack Horseman and Steven Universe, but it also possesses an inherent flaw that the writers are actually utilizing as a narrative crutch in rich, clever ways. From the question of how its train worlds portray and think of its denizens, to the question of whether the train’s purpose is genuinely beneficial, Infinity Train makes the argument that maybe it’s not.

One-One, in past seasons, fixates on the humans’ pain, trauma, and problems as algorithms, as numbers that need to be solved. But as the Apex, Simon, and Grace showed, humans are messy, complex beings that can disrupt any premise or belief or narrative to justify their behavior and actions. Simon, prior to his final fight, yells to Grace, “Why would I ever want to change, when I’m always right!?” Trauma, pain, and abuse cannot always be solved with whimsy. One of the last shots of the season has Grace crying over Simon’s body. An Apex member places his hand on her shoulder. Perhaps an honest connection like that is truly what’s needed to be better people.

Infinity Train is available to stream on HBO Max now.

The post Infinity Train and Manifestations of Trauma and Abuse appeared first on Den of Geek.

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johnlockiseverywhere · 5 years ago

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Mental Health Series - Depression

Let's talk a little about Mental Health? BBC Sherlock, as other series, just flirt a little with the theme, using it for comic relief or plot proposes. Consequently, it doesn't develop the subject satisfyingly, fixing on stereotypes and creating, most of the time, a superficial or even inaccurate representation. But thank god fandom gave us fanfiction, so we could fix that.

This series will contain an edit picture, a little text talking about the subject of the day and a fic rec with fanfics that abbord the theme.

The conditions and disorders in this edits are the ones that were explicitly mentioned in the series.

Warning: Please, don't use this post as a diagnoses tool.

Trigger Warning: Some of the situations and subjects in this post and these works may be triggering, please always check the tags or the notes first.

Depression

"Losing a loved one, getting fired from a job, going through a divorce, and other difficult situations can lead a person to feel sad, lonely and scared. These feelings are normal reactions to life's stressors. Most people feel low and sad at times. However, in the case of individuals who are diagnosed with depression as a psychiatric disorder, the manifestations of the low mood are much more severe and they tend to persist.

Depression occurs more often in women than men. Some differences in the manner in which the depressed mood manifests has been found based on sex and age. In men it manifests often as tiredness, irritability and anger. They may show more reckless behavior and abuse drugs and alcohol. They also tend to not recognize that they are depressed and fail to seek help. In women depression tends to manifest as sadness, worthlessness, and guilt. In younger children depression is more likely to manifest as school refusal, anxiety when separated from parents, and worry about parents dying. Depressed teenagers tend to be irritable, sulky, and get into trouble in school. They also frequently have co-morbid anxiety, eating disorders, or substance abuse. In older adults depression may manifest more subtly as they tend to be less likely to admit to feelings of sadness or grief and medical illnesses which are more common in this population also contributes or causes the depression.

There are different types of depressive disorders, and while there are many similarities among them, each depressive disorder has its own unique set of symptoms.

The most commonly diagnosed form of depression is Major Depressive Disorder. In 2015, around 16.1 million adults aged 18 years or older in the U.S. had experienced at least one major depressive episode in the last year, which represented 6.7 percent of all American adults.

Major depression is characterized by at least five of the diagnostic symptoms of which at least one of the symptoms is either an overwhelming feeling of sadness or a loss of interest and pleasure in most usual activities. The other symptoms that are associated with major depression include decrease or increase in appetite, insomnia or hypersomnia, psycho motor agitation or retardation, constant fatigue, feelings of worthlessness or excessive and inappropriate guilt, recurrent thoughts of death and suicidal ideation with or without specific plans for committing suicide, and cognitive difficulties, such as, diminished ability to think, concentrate and take decisions. The symptoms persist for two weeks or longer and represent a significant change from previous functioning. Social, occupational, educational, or other important functioning is also impacted. For instance, the person may start missing work or school, or stop going to classes or their usual social activities.

Another type of depression is called Persistent depressive disorder (dysthymia). The essential feature of this mood disorder is a low, dark or sad mood that is persistently present for most of the day and on most days, for at least 2 years (children and adolescents may experience predominantly irritability and the mood persist for at least 1 year). For the individual to receive the diagnosis of persistent depressive disorder they should also have two of the diagnostic symptoms which include poor appetite or overeating, insomnia or hypersomnia, low energy or fatigue, low self-esteem, poor concentration, difficulty making decisions, or feelings of hopelessness. During this period, any symptom-free intervals last no longer than two months. The symptoms are not as severe as with major depression. Major depression may precede persistent depressive disorder, and major depressive episodes may also occur during persistent depressive disorder.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is another manifestation of depression which is a severe and sometimes disabling extension of premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Although regular PMS and Premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) both have physical and emotional symptoms, the mood changes in PMDD are much more severe and can disrupt social, occupational, and other important areas of functioning. In both PMDD and PMS, symptoms usually begin seven to 10 days before the start of a menstrual period and continue for the first few days of the period. Both PMDD and PMS may also cause breast tenderness, bloating, fatigue, and changes in sleep and eating habits. PMDD is characterized by emotional and behavioral symptoms that are more severe, such as sadness or hopelessness, anxiety or tension, extreme moodiness, irritability or anger.

Some medical conditions can trigger depressive symptoms in individuals. This is called depressive disorder due to another medical condition. Endocrine and reproductive system disorders are commonly associated with depressive symptoms. For example, people with low levels of the thyroid hormone (hypothyroidism) often experience fatigue, weight gain, irritability, memory loss, and low mood. When the hypothyroidism is treated it usually reduces the depression. Cushing's syndrome is another hormonal disorder caused by high levels of the hormone cortisol which can also cause depressive symptoms. Other conditions that have been found to cause depression include conditions such as HIV/AIDS, diabetes, strokes, Parkinson’s disease etc.

Adjustment Disorder with Depressed Mood is diagnosed when symptoms of depression are triggered within 3 months of onset of a stressor. The stressor usually involves a change of some kind in the life of the individual which he/she finds stressful. Sometimes the stressor can even be a positive event such as a new job, marriage, or baby which is nevertheless stressful for the individual. The distress is typically out of proportion to the expected reaction and the symptoms cause significant distress and impairment in functioning. The symptoms typically resolve within 6 months when the person begins to cope and adapt to the stressor or the stressor is removed. Treatment tends to be time limited and relatively simple since some additional support during the stressful period helps the person recover and adapt.

Another type of depression is related to changes in the length of days or seasonality. This type of depression is called Seasonal affective disorder (SAD). People with SAD suffer the symptoms of a Major Depressive Disorder only during a specific time of year, usually winter. This appears to be related to the shorter days of winter, and the lack of sunlight in many parts of the country."

- Anxiety and Depression Association of America

Maybe that is the most represented disorder in BBC Sherlock. We can see signs of depression in both John and Sherlock in different moments and in different series. In series one, the image of John's gun in his bedside table and the allusion of a suicide intent and Sherlock's dark moods. In MHR and Series three we can see it in John's grief period and Sherlock's relapse. In series four they are shown in John's grief after Mary's death and Sherlock's other relapse. But maybe, the biggest allusion, even if indirectly, is Sherlock's suicide. The motive may not be related, but the act itself is enough to trigger some discussions about the theme. "Would it be out of character if Sherlock did it for real?" That we don't know. What we do know is that he doesn't believe his life to worth that much and that he has some self-destructive tendencies. Other thing to be discussed is the coping mechanism shown in the series. Both Sherlock and John shown a majority of potentially toxic coping mechanisms like alcohol, drugs, adrenaline seeking and extreme reclusion.

It's important to talk about the subject. The more educated we are about the matter, more efficiently we can help people around us who are suffering from disease.

And I chose to do this edit specifically because of the period of the year. Mosty because of Yellow September, where people talk and discuss about suicide prevention.

If you are suffering from something similar, please search professional help from a therapist or a psychiatrist.

HOTLINES

Suicide Hotline (US, UK, Canada & Singapore): 1-800-SUICIDE (2433)

Suicide hotline (New Zealand): 0800 543 354

Depression hotline: 1-630-482-9696

Suicide Crisis Line: 1-800-999-9999

National Suicide Prevention Helpline: 1-800-273-TALK (8245)

National Adolescent Suicide Helpline: 1-800-621-4000

Postpartum Depression: 1-800-PPD-MOMS

NDMDA Depression Hotline – Support Group: 1-800-826-3632

Veterans: 1-877-VET2VET

Crisis Help Line – For Any Kind of Crisis: 1-800-233-4357

Suicide & Depression Crisis Line – Covenant House: 1-800-999-9999

SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINES:

Austria: 01-713-3373

Australia: 1-800-817-569

Barbados: 429-9999

Brazil: 21-233-9191

Canada: 514-723-4000

China: 852-2382-0000

Costa Rica: 506-253-5439

Denmark: 70-201-201

Egypt: 7621602

Estonia: 6-558-088

Finland: 040-5032199

France: 01-45-39-4000

Guatemala: 502-254-1259

Holland: 0900-0767

Honduras: 504-237-3623

Hungary: 62-420-111

India: 91-22-307-3451

Italy: 06-7045-4444

Japan: 3-5286-9090

Maylaysia: 03-756-8144

Maurititus: 46-48-889 or 800-93-93

Mexico: 525-510-2550

New Zealand: 4-473-9739

Nicarague: 505-268-6171

Norway: 815-33-300

Poland: 800 70 2222 or 116 123

Portugal: 239-72-10-10

Republic of Ireland: 1850-60-90-90

Russia: 8-20-222-82-10

Singapore: 800-221-4444 or 000-227-0309

South Africa: 0861-322-322

South Korea: 2-715-8600

Spain: 91-459-00-50

Sri Vincent: 1-692-909

St. Vincent: 809-456-1044

Sweden: 031-711-2400

Switzerland: 143

Thailand: 02-249-9977

Trinidad & Tobago: 868-645-2800

Ukraine: 0487-327715 or 0482-226565

United Kingdom: 08457-90-90-90

United States: 1-800-SUICIDE (7842433), or 1-800-TALK (8255), or 1-800-827-7571

◇

Table for One Series

By SilentAuror

32k, Mature to Explicit, Johnlock

Series Progression: Finished

Works: 2

Sherlock has returned to London, only to find that the John he left behind has changed. Why is he spending so much time alone in cafés, hardly eating, limping again? Why has he become so beige? Sherlock slowly begins to realise that this is not going to be as easy as he had thought.

carrying up his morning tea

By darcylindbergh

34k, Explicit, Johnlock

Work Progression: Finished

Chapters: 5

His fingers tremble as he dials and he can’t force them steady. Familiar number, even though he hasn’t used it in two years. He isn’t even sure he should be calling it now, but she’d asked. She’d made him promise.

White Tulip

By withoutawish

41k, Explicit, Johnlock

Work Progression: Finished

Chapters: 1

Sherlock is in love with John Watson. John Watson is in love with Mary Morstan. Sherlock likes Mary Morstan just fine. Sherlock likes drugs more. And most importantly, Sherlock doesn’t like Sherlock.

String theory dictates the laws of the universe. But their story isn’t one that can be boxed up neatly, tied in a heartstring bow.

"After all, the axioms of homeostasis dictate that an infinity sign of negative feedback can only loop back in on itself.”

A Satellite Out of Orbit

By SilentAuror

6k, Mature, Johnlock

Work Progression: Finished

Chapters: 1

For years, Ella has been trying to get John Watson to open up and talk to her about his issues. To her surprise, his longtime flatmate Sherlock Holmes turns up one day, needing her advice.

A River Without Banks

By Chryse

203k, Explicit, Johnlock

Work Progression: Finished

Chapters: 23

"You love this, being Sherlock Holmes."

He had once. When had it all gone so wrong?

Fully completed, not a WIP. Updates will post twice a week.

Lunar Landscapes

By J_Baillier

57k, Mature, Johnlock

Work Progression: Finished

Chapters: 21

An accident forces John to face the fact that Sherlock's downward spiral had started long before his flight to exile even left the tarmac.

Radioactive Trees In A Red Forest

By Maribor_Petrichor

280k, Explicit, Johnlock

Work Progression: Finished

Chapters: 73

John Watson is what happens when a man can no longer see a reason to go on.

John Watson is what happens when a man starts to let go.

"It is what it is."

John Watson is what happens when what "it is" becomes too much to bear.

This is a story of the life, death, and resurrection of John Hamish Watson.

Precipice

By PoppyAlexander

6k, Mature, Johnlock

Work Progression: Finished

Chapters: 1

Ten years after his return from the war, lighthouse keeper John Watson meets consulting detective Sherlock Holmes, pacing at the cliff's edge.

Right Hand Man

By SilentAuror

42k, Explicit, Johnlock

Work Progression: Finished

Chapters: 4

When John's left arm becomes paralysed after a car accident, Mary asks Sherlock to take him back to Baker Street to recuperate, as she's about to give birth. Despite the fact that the search for Moriarty is ongoing, Sherlock takes John in and takes responsibility for overseeing his rehabilitation as he adjusts to the loss of his arm.

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syubub · 5 years ago

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Hey! How are you? I hope you are staying safe and healthy! I have quite a personal ask for a small reading. I am not sure if you would mind answering it, but if you do: don't worry and just ignore this ask.😌 Could you do a small reading for me about the state of my mental health in the upcoming years? I am struggling with an eating disorder and I am relapsing from recovery right now. I hope things will go better, but if the cards are negative then I would still like to know! Thank you so much!❤

Hi! First off I want to say that having gone through an eating disorder myself I know how shitty it is to relapse. It really fucks with you but everytime relapsing happens, it reminds me that I want to be healthy and that I can choose recovery.

Second off, as with all of my readings, tarot advice shouldn't be taken as straight fact and it is my opinion based on my interpretation.

Therapy is the shit. If you aren't in therapy you should look into it if you can afford it. If therapy isn't an option for you, there is always hotlines, online community support ect. You are worth it and I am always open to talk💕

That being said, the cards I pulled for you are: 10 of Swords, 7of Cups rev., 2 of Pentacles rev., Temperance, 7 of Wands

So the over all energy that radiates from this reading is the 10 of Swords. I think this card explains the feeling of relapsing pretty well. In this context it really does carry the whole, "things get worse before they get better" vibe. The cool thing about the 10 of Swords is that the picture looks pretty grim but the card is sort of like death before rebirth? It's a card of hope. bringing an end to something that no longer serves you.

As for the state of your mental health journey, the cards are (the progression of your journey): 7 of cups rev., 2 of pentacles rev., temperance.

7 of cups is all about choices. Having it in reverse can signify that you start to make choices more consciously. This to me means that you will start seeing patterns in what triggers you and noticing what choices you can make to avoid them. This is essentially what getting better is. Its shitty and hard but it continues to get easier with time. You might choose a variety of different therapy options, join a self help group, see a nutritionist that specializes in eating disorders ect. If this makes any sense?

The next card was 2 of pentacles rev., this is a warning to take it slow and be kind to yourself. Essentially saying that you might/ will at some point bite off more than you can chew. This definitely happened to me many times and still does. Be kind to yourself. Recovery isn't linear. Some days are better than others and all you can do is try your best and trust that tomorrow is a new day and a new opportunity. Start slow and celebrate your victories no matter how trivial they might seem to others. For myself, when I hit a recovery goal I would treat myself to something like a new nail polish or a lipstick or something like that, for you, do what works and celebrate yourself for the accomplishments you achive. Most importantly, try not to get down if you trip up a little. Because it's okay! Just keep trying and promise yourself you'll do better tomorrow!

Next is Temperance. This card is about balance, staying levelheaded and bringing harmony. What this means to me is that you WILL get better and slay the beast. Essentially you will find peace within your mind, balance your mind and body bringing health to both of them. The best way I can describe this is just recovery. Temperance is a lovely card and an amazing omen for your situation. Have faith, stay focused get help and you'll get better.

I asked for an advice card and got the 7 of wands.

Fight. You need to preserve. Fight hard for yourself because you are so fucking worth the effort and so much joy and happiness will come for you! You will be able to take your fucking life back and enjoy it!!

Really, truly and honestly mental illness is a bitch and I'm not a professional, all I can give you is my perspective as someone who has dealt with a similar situation. Fight for yourself, it gets better and you deserve to live your life 💕

#ask #free readings

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inanawesomewave · 6 years ago

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SOCIOPATH WALKS OUT OF A THERAPIST’S OFFICE

Today I received a letter saying I had been discharged -- without my request or input -- from therapy. Let me rewind a little. As those of you who follow this blog know, I have been receiving therapy for just a few weeks. We have barely left the assessment phase, so whilst my therapist has been very good at listening to the traumas I have experienced and throwing in his two cents here and there, we haven’t so much got into the crux of therapy, as we have identified what the therapy is for, and what it was for was: 1. I have a lot of baseline and situational anger and contempt (his words, but I do tend to agree) and whilst I don’t want to give into forgiveness and adopting a mindful, wellness-y kind of mindset which would be insincere for me, I would like to stop being so constantly exhausted by my own rage, and stop being so at the behest of the contempt I feel constantly whirring in the background. 2. In order to do that, I need to confront childhood trauma head on, deal with it, talk about it, make sense of it, draw a line under it, move on. My old therapist from years ago (who discharged me after two and a half, almost three years, not long after my ASPD diagnosis, but we’ll get to that...) once described trauma as being like a big old blanket, in that if you shove it into the airing cupboard all crumpled and hurried, it’s going to ping out from time to time and trip you up and you’re going to have to angrily just shove it back in there, and it’s going to happen again and again. If you fold it neatly, it will stay there and not bother you, and will only come out if you specifically go in to fetch it. My current therapy was to learn how to fold that big blanket. 3. I love my son and my husband with all of my heart, and I want to treat them fairly and lovingly. In order to do that, I need to be a healthy person, so therapy was about untangling the threads of who I am, so that I can have enough insight and awareness to know what I need and when I need it. If I know that, then I will better know what my son needs and when he needs it. In short, I don’t want to become my mother. And we did uncover some things. We spoke about a specific trauma, one that sticks out the most amongst everything, and going into that was like opening a Pandora’s Box of feelings, some of which I didn’t know the name of, and whilst it was very hard to hold it together without relapsing into some extremely antisocial behaviours (random people who I don’t know don’t need to hear any diatribes about What I Really Think About People Like You, and that’s not empathy talking, that’s a desire to not be seen as someone small and pathetic), it was cushioned by the fact that I knew I had a therapist now, and whatever intense, primary emotion took over my brain and my body whilst these old thoughts came to harry me, I could go to therapy that week, and mention them to someone who I was assured was there to help me. I had to agree to trust this man, and he had to agree to trust me. I was given conditions before my behaviour demanded them: “there are ways I won’t be spoken to” was said, before I’d ever slipped away from respect and courtesy, “some of this will trigger anger in you and you need to trust that I’m not trying to hurt you” was said too. Most importantly, I was told: “the relationship we have in this room will come to be the prototype of the relationships you have outside of this room. If you can be vulnerable and trusting in here, you will have a new blueprint of how to behave out there”. Sound logic, I thought. He’s into attachment theory and I guess I am too -- the relationship I had from my primary caregiver growing up was inconsistent, punitive, cold, dismissive and contemptuous, and that’s how antisocials get this way, most of the time. We didn’t learn the things that non-sociopaths would consider to be markers of goodness and humanity. Therapy is where you try to learn those things. In my first few weeks, my therapy was on a day where I attend university to do my degree in psychology (finally, eh?). I told the therapist it wasn’t possible for me to attend those days without my performance at uni being compromised. I was told, in the kindest way possible, look do you want therapy or not? Because I’m in the UK and poor, I’m receiving the therapy through the NHS. Waiting lists are long and you take what you can get. I was lucky to get therapy in the first place. Still, I missed a few, and the day was finally changed. I didn’t miss any more sessions because I didn’t need to, and was told that I couldn’t miss any more unless it was a medical issue. Then, I got the flu. Now I don’t know if you’ve had the flu, you probably have. It’s that kind of virus where your throat is on fire and your bones are aching and every muscle hurts to move and you feel you’ve been hit by a city bus for a week. I couldn’t get into therapy, but given our agreement about medical absences, I thought we were good. Nobody called to gripe about this absence, and my next appointment was in just two days from now. Then I got a letter telling me I was no longer receiving therapy, citing “competing demands in [my] personal life” -- a decision that has been made for me. “I want to assure you this is not a decision I have taken lightly. I have no doubt that you wanted to engage in therapy”. I tried to call to smooth things over and explain that a sick note is making its way to them to excuse my absence, but guess what? My therapist is on leave. Because he’s allowed time off from his demanding personal life. And now I have some thoughts. As mentioned earlier, I study psychology. My initial degree was a major in psychology, and a minor in psychotherapy. I was going to become a therapist, if you can imagine such a charade, but one semester into my studies I realised through “self reflection” and a practical exam where I had to give therapy for ten minutes to prove what i’d learned, that I straight up don’t have the empathy. I should’ve known to begin with, but I don’t. I couldn’t do it, or feel it, I had this man sitting in front of me (a classmate) talking either candidly or in character, I didn’t care to really speculate, about feeling like a failure, letting himself down. My instinct was to try to show him the things in his life that were good, snap him out of it as gently as I could but at least get him to stop talking and having those thoughts, and I was given the feedback that I shouldn’t try to hurry someone out of feeling bad, I should sit with their feeling, let them feel their feeling, reflect it back to them, show them that I’m feeling it with them. I pretended in the re-exam in order to pass, but the whole time I felt myself knowing just how on display I was, and how this was different to performing empathy in day to day life; this was real, applied, intense and unwavering empathy I had to show. I passed, and I dropped the module so that next year it will be replaced by forensic psychology. I don’t have what it takes, and I’m ok with that. But my therapist knew he had what it took. He did the schooling, got the MA, has a background in social work, he sat with pain and shared his pain and learned and cared and earned the title of Psychotherapist through the kind of work I shirked from at the first hurdle. Not only does he experience empathy, but he made a career out of it. And in that room, I was encouraged to trust him, though he could not trust me to be ill, and could not empathise at all. I admire the pretence perhaps, but I am resentful of its consequence. He has so much empathy, he thought it would be a good idea to coax traumas out of me, and in turn the trust that I would speak and confront them knowing they would finally get folded away. His attachment theory deal encouraged me to re-learn what interpersonal interactions really are, the good that people really have, the contempt I’ve been wasting. And all I have learned from him is the same I have learned since being very small: you can’t trust people. There’s no such thing as help. There’s no such thing as selflessness. There’s no such thing as empathy. There’s no such thing as trust. I am someone who does not need love. I am someone who must not ask for help. The only way to not be weakened by my trauma, is to be strengthened by it. Weakness is to talk, talking leaves you open to exploitation. Vulnerability is a curse. It’s a dog eat dog world. It’s every man for himself. And it’s funny because just last week I wondered if the mood had changed. Sociopaths, whilst hilariously low on affective empathy, can read a room, a tone, a palpable shift at the very least. I don’t know if this is because of years of studying human performance, or a hypervigilant hangover from an abusive childhood where tone-reading was essential and could be the thing that stopped you getting a beating, reading the mood and charming your way out of it before it got violent, it may even be something neurobiological, who knows. But I sensed something else. We’ve never said the words, antisocial or otherwise, but it’s known. And I think last week, he knew that he knew. Now I don’t want to get all paranoid, but I know this story very well. Sociopath walks into a therapist’s office. Sociopath is encouraged to walk right back out again. And I wonder if the diagnosis of ASPD is a morally correct one. Why diagnose a mental illness to begin with? Well, usually because it’s causing the person distress, and could be treated to improve that person’s quality of life. But what’s the treatment for ASPD? If threadbare research has kind of sort of perhaps but maybe not “proven” that antisocials don’t respond to therapy, then is the correct way to test this half-baked theory to in fact remove that decision away from antisocials? And how many times have I heard antisocial friends tell me they’ve been refused therapy, or spoken to like shit in therapy, or dropped from therapy when their diagnosis became apparent? Is it ethical to diagnose antisocial personality disorder if you have no desire or intent whatsoever to help that person? Who is that diagnosis helping, exactly? Because there are no medications licensed, and there’s no inpatient treatment, no therapy, nothing at all unless you’re willing to pay through the nose for what is essentially guesswork. It is known that if two people commit the same crime but one of them has ASPD, that person will receive a harsher custodial sentence. Not because of what they’ve done, but what they might do in future. Is the diagnosis of ASPD a morally sound one? Who is it protecting? What purpose does it serve? I have said this before and will repeat it until my bones seize completely: antisocials are just as likely to have come from trauma and neglect as those with BPD, and cPTSD. Antisocials have extremely high rates of addiction. Antisocials are just as likely to commit suicide as borderlines, a figure we can agree is very high. But who cares about a dead sociopath? Who cares about a living one? And if I get my therapist back, what then? What will therapy look like now I’ve lost respect and trust for this person? When they say that sociopaths don’t respond to therapy because “They’ll always just try to analyse the therapist, that’s their problem”... perhaps, yes. Because if you poke a hungry bear with a stick over and over again, the bear might bite you, even despite what studies have said about bears in captivity secretly not wanting food, based on a sample size of two bears who ate their gatekeepers.

#aspd feels #aspd tag #actually aspd #antisocial personality disorder #antisocial #therapy #abuse #trauma #neglect #recovery #sociopath #sociopathy #psychopath #psychopathy

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eyesaremosaics · 6 years ago

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Manic depression diary

I feel like I’m going crazy. I talked to ___ yesterday, and I ended up just feeling horrible all over again. My stress levels are so high, i burst into tears uncontrollably in public. I feel so useless and unloveable. Everyone leaves me. Because I’m crazy, I’m a train wreck. You know it’s bad when people just give up on you, as being beyond their help. Okay. Deep breath, this is the manic depression. It is skewing my view of reality. I’ve got to get a hold of myself. I think going on medication for a while might be in my best interest. I’m suicidal nearly every day. Literally every second I’m awake I have to resist the urge to stab myself in the hand with a pair of scissors. I haven’t done any self mutilation yet, but it is taking every ounce of my strength not to do it.

I never do well with break ups. This one is particularly hard. When we spoke on the phone, I told him I didn’t expect to live past 40, he said: “then let’s get married and have ten good years together. I love you Megan.” After berating me for being self destructive and too much, I felt very confused. He called back to say sorry essentially, once he had calmed down. My heart broke to pieces, and I said:

“You’ve always been this wonderful possibility in my life... but it just wasn’t right.” My heart flooded with an unbearable sadness as My voice broke: “I want you to know, that you are the man I want to want, you’ll never know how much. I wish I could return your feelings, because you would treat me so good—you did treat me so good—but I can’t. I can’t give you what you need, and I don’t want to drag you through my confusion anymore.”

I’m in love with someone, who I think will never return my feelings. I feel so foolish and stupid loving someone who less than 1/4 reciprocates. It’s all very complicated, but my feelings are what they are. I wish I could labotimize him from my consciousness, erase all memory and feeling. I wish I could just be his friend or something, but my heart just burns, aches from a deep place inside. Like a slit in my throat I just keep bleeding freely. I tried to eradicate him with drinking and drugs, that never worked. Almost killed me. I tried diet and exercise, new relationships, dating, theatre, work—he’s always with me. Like a ghost.

I don’t know what I’m holding onto anymore, I’m nothing, there is just nothing. I’m too mentally ill for anyone to care about long term. The last two boyfriends I had—really tried. I drove them both crazy, and they both left me. ___ told me I push people away. That I don’t let anyone close to me. “You put up this false party girl exterior, but I wish you would show people more of who you are inside. The sweet, nerdy, compassionate person that I know. Other people don’t know who you are. You won’t let anyone in.”

I don’t let anyone in, because when I do, people reject and abandon me. That’s why I pull the plug and push people away, before they get a chance to do it to me first. It’s s self fulfilling prophecy. Making myself so unloveable. I make it true by being self destructive. I need to go to meetings. I started looking some up last night. I’m worried I will relapse and kill myself. Who could ever possibly live someone like me? No proper education, no diploma, no real success in life. Total basket case, overly sensitive, my feelings get hurt so easily, manic depressive, self destructive, escapist. Not to mention I’m 30 years old. I’m too old to be acting like this. To be falling apart in my car crying my eyes out. To be struggling with suicide like this. It’s not even about anyone in particular, though I am triggered by these men in my life... it’s about me—not valuing myself.

I don’t know why I can’t do it. I start to work on my self worth, and then something upsets me and I want to hurt myself. That’s not good. It’s not fair for me to put that on others, friends scatter like cockroaches, lovers leave me. I need to fix this, but I don’t know where to start. I’m going to have this mood disorder for the rest of my life, so I think medication will be good, and meetings or group therapy will be helpful for me to have support so I don’t relapse. This is going to be hard work, work I have to do alone.

Yet I fear I will end up like my dad. Almost 60 and completely alone. He says he likes being alone, but I know he is lying. No one likes to be that isolated and alone all the time.

I’m scared no one will ever want to marry me, that I will never have a family, that no one will think I’m worth it to fight for me or stick around. People have tried, and put so much of themselves into me, only to lose themselves and have to run away. Literally run. People can’t wait to get away from me, and I can’t blame them.

I feel like I am crippled, handicapped by this disease in my brain. At first men found my wildness exciting because I was young and pretty, now my beauty is fading, and people will only tolerate it for so long now. Listen to how I’m talking to myself. This is horrible. No one defeats me like myself.

I just have to get help. I need to get on some kind of medication, just to numb me out for a while so I don’t kill myself. I have to stay goal oriented, and forget about relationships. I need to let everything go, and move forward. I have to tell myself that I have a good heart, that it’s not too late for me to make something of my life. That part I believe, but believing that I can be loved—that is hard. For some reason, even when someone is giving me all their love, I can’t feel it, because I feel unworthy of love. I don’t feel I deserve to be cared about. I don’t know why that is. I keep falling in love with people can’t love me back, and reject people that try to love me. I wish I knew how to fix this

#me #manic depression diary

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