#in that they know I’m nonbinary and they still love me and don’t berate me about it

[gender-dropout]

SITUATION: Family members still call you a “young woman” despite the fact that you are transgender and are dressed very purposefully androgynous.

❌: “my family does not respect my self expression.” -> “my family is transphobic!”

✅: “my family does not equate only femininity with womanhood.” -> “my family are feminists!”

[musicalmoritz]

What do you think of Natsuhiko as a character? I personally don't like him all that way, granted it's pretty surface level. While I wouldn't say I hate or despise him, I do find him a tad irritating in the beginning of the series. However later chapters have piqued my interest regarding his character as a whole, and I would also like to ask about his relationship with Sakura. At first glance it seemingly falls into a dynamic like AoiAoi, where the girl shows disinterest while the guy does not stop with his pursuits. Of course now we have more insight on AoiAoi, but this isn't yet the case for Sakuhiko. So by extension, what do you take from their dynamic?

Thank you for this question, Sakura and Natsuhiko are two of my favorites but I haven’t gotten the chance to talk abt them much yet!! (I say “favorites” but they’re 9 and 10th on my character ranking respectively so do with that info what you will lol)

Starting off with Natsuhiko, I didn’t like him much at first either. In fact, when I first watched the anime, I fucking hated this dude on sight. Like I couldn’t even stand to look at him, he gave me frat boy vibes and I didn’t trust him. When I realized he was going to be a prominent character I dreaded it. I’m not sure when my opinion started to change, maybe around the door arc?? As a Natsunene enjoyer that one’s a favorite of mine lol. Tbh he still annoys me sometimes, he’s just so shady mixed with a personality that’s made to be irritating and it makes me roll my eyes so hard. I feel bad saying that bcuz a lot of my moots LOVE him but fear not, he’s in my top 10 for a reason

As much as I love Sakura and Natsuhiko, it’s hard to say much about either of them with what little info we’ve been giving. I have to laugh at ppl who think the current arc of the manga is going to be the last one because that would likely mean the series would end without either of them ever getting their time to shine (despite all the recent lore that’s been dropped, we still don’t know much about Natsuhiko). However, what we’ve seen of them so far has been super compelling

For Natsuhiko, I like him most when he’s with the Broadcasting Crew. I know he’s almost always with them but I mean specifically when we see the side of his character that acts like a true upperclassman. I like when he’s visibly annoyed with Tsukasa, it shows a different side to his laidback personality. Despite how chill he appears, he seems to have a short temper, it’s just something he keeps inside. I also think him being an ASMRist in the Monster Nursery au is so hilariously on brand. And tbh I could yap forever about what the anime did with the Monster Nursery au!! I can’t remember if Natsuhiko was the undercover researcher in the original au or not but regardless I love the route they took. If I have time I will absolutely write a Sakuhiko fic set in that universe someday bcuz they give me major Spy X Family vibes

I need more details on why he can’t die and how his blood kills people. Is he from an exorcist clan??? Is he part supernatural??? What is his deal??? I’m very interested to learn more about him. He’s always been a suspicious character so I like that we’re starting to get more insight on him

Now onto Sakuhiko…*dreamy sigh*. I love Sakuhiko so much. They’re one of my top ships for TBHK, at one point they were even my favorite. I do headcanon them as sapphics, with Sakura being a nonbinary lesbian and Natsuhiko being a genderfluid bisexual. I have written a few fics for them on ao3 so if you’re looking for some good sapphic Sakuhiko stuff…🤭

I see where the AoiAoi parallels come from on a surface level but beyond that I feel as though the two ships are quite different! First off, Aoi never shuts Akane down the way Sakura does with Natsuhiko. Sakura hits him every time he tries to make a move on them, a clear sign of rejection coupled with berating him verbally. They make their disinterest abundantly clear, although it’s highly implied that the ship isn’t as one-sided as it appears. There are moments where Sakura looks at Natsuhiko with fondness, and times where they even seem to flirt with him! Natsuhiko himself says that Sakura just has a different way of showing their love for him, very similar to the Minamoto Typical Sadism I write so often lol. It’s not a TBHK couple without a little sadomasochism (not the weird kinky kind just the bullying kind, the majority of them are babies. Normally I wouldn’t feel the need to specify that but this is Tumblr)

Anyways this is very different from how Aoi “rejects” Akane. Every time she turns him away, she does so in a way that will encourage him to keep trying. With a cute smile and a hand to her face, rating his pursuits so he’ll be motivated to try and do better next time. She never gives him less than 2 points (as far as I remember), and she’s not even mean to him until she’s under the potion in chapter 69. I’m pretty sure Aoi would cry at the thought of treating Akane the way Sakura treats Natsuhiko, she’s pretty down bad and dependent on him in certain ways. She shuts down at the thought of Akane ever moving on, so she would never reject him so bluntly and risk losing his approval. Sakura doesn’t seem to care what Natsuhiko thinks of them, they’re a very independent as opposed to Aoi who is more on the dependent side of things. If Sakura were revealed to have been super clingy and emotionally attached to Natsuhiko this whole time, that would be weird writing. But Aoi’s attachment to Akane has been implied since the Confession Tree arc

The differences between Natsuhiko and Akane are so interesting to me because they get compared so often. The biggest thing I notice is the level of respect they have for their partners. Akane is overly obsessive and a yandere at times but he never actually attempts to touch Aoi the way Natsuhiko frequently does with Sakura (not in a perverted way like Hanako but he still makes attempts to take their hand or hold them in a way we never see Akane do with Aoi). The first time we really see Akane being physically aggressive with Aoi was in ch.69, when he was initially trying to forcefully stop her from a suicide attempt. Not saying he handled it right but I try to cut him some slack bcuz it was an insanely tense situation, I myself wouldn’t have handled it perfectly.

After that, he kisses her hand to apologize for saying he hates her (many fans mistake this scene for him ignoring her consent but if we focus on the setup, that wasn’t the situation at all- the kiss was an apology and Aoi’s “don’t touch me” didn’t even get a full speech bubble). At that point she’s blushing and leaning into him, no longer trying to run away. She looks conflicted bcuz it’s a very emotional scene, but she’s clearly calmed down from how she was feeling before. By the time they kiss, she’s fully clinging onto him. After that he’s more causally touchy with her, like holding her hand or helping her get around No.6’s boundary. Aside from official arts we never really see Sakura leaning into or reciprocating Natsuhiko’s touch. They appear to enjoy his company, letting him tag along everywhere they go; but they’re not easily moved by affection the way Aoi is. That doesn’t stop Natsuhiko from being pushy, but I will give him that he knocks it off after Sakura rejects him. I swear I’m not trying to cancel this dude, I’m just saying he has less regard for boundaries the way Akane does

Another thing is reciprocation. During the Clock Keepers arc, Akane tells Nene that he plans to love and support Aoi even if she never loves him back. This means he expects nothing in return for all the love he gives her, all he wants is to make her feel loved. And if she enjoys receiving daily confessions, he’ll gladly make a fool out of himself each time. In the same scene he talks about Aoi’s past with having to put up with creepy guys, which explains why he’s so overprotective and hostile to men who want to pursue her. We see later in the manga he’s not as bothered when he realizes Teru’s feelings for her are genuine. Once he realizes Teru respects Aoi the same way he does, and that he won’t hurt her like he does with Akane, he begins to view Teru as healthy competition. This is much different from the way he treats Yokoo and Satou in ASHK when he catches them spying on Aoi

Also in ASHK, we see Natsuhiko attempt to give Sakura a love potion. I know this was literally in a comedy spin off but it stands out to me because Akane would never do this to Aoi. He respects her too much for that, he would never force her to reciprocate his feelings. Natsuhiko is a far more manipulative character, so it’s not all that surprising to me that he’d be okay with Sakura’s love being fake. He just wants a date with them, he doesn’t seem to care how he gets it. Again, I’m not trying to accuse him of being something he’s not, I want to make that very clear (think of Hanako, he’s known for being a perv but he would never intentionally make Nene upset or uncomfortable. Imo Natsuhiko is similar but in a different way, I wouldn’t call him a perv like Hanako but he’s a bit more possessive than the other characters). I see Sakuhiko as being on the more toxic end of TBHK ships as opposed to AoiAoi which has become more healthy recently. That’s not necessarily a problem with the pairing, just something I don’t see pointed out as often. And keep in mind that the toxicity is mutual, since Sakura knows Natsuhiko can’t die they regularly make attempts on his life and send him out to do dangerous missions. They’ve both got their quirks

One of my favorite things abt the ship is how Natsuhiko seems to know Sakura better than most people. More than Sakura is aware of, probably. I’m thinking specifically of that scene where Mitsuba asked if he could stay with the Broadcasting Crew and Sakura didn’t know how to respond so Natsuhiko answered for them. Sakura cares more deeply for people than they let on, and the only person who seems to recognize that is Natsuhiko. That’s so!! Fucking sweet to me!! They’re a toxic mess but they were made for each other and at the end of the day they’ll stay by each other’s sides. Natsuhiko would watch the world burn if it meant Sakura would look in his direction. Despite the themes of betrayal in his character, he is loyal to a fault when it comes to Sakura. I love that so much

Sometimes I wonder how serious the relationship is tho bcuz like���every time I see it written platonically absolutely nothing changes. Maybe Natsuhiko is there for ulterior motives and he’s just joking abt the flirting. I highly doubt that since TBHK is partially a romance but it’s a cool concept. I also love their ship trope, they remind me of Beast Boy and Raven. Grumpy X Sunshine except they’re both kinda shitty people. Peak

I hope you enjoyed this deep dive, and that I didn’t turn you away from the ship yapping abt their problems lol. To me toxic elements of ships are more things I love about them (within reason) because I love exploring character flaws and how people can overcome those in relationships. Or sometimes I just want to see them be terrible together. The duality of woman.

[salamoonder]

Bi Critter here and I'm feeling conflicted. I always knew that Caleb was bi and I LOVE that we got canon confirmation. But also I HATE what I'm seeing in the fandom. The idea that you're only bi/bi enough if you're with someone of the same sex. Like, all the shit I've seen is the reason I've been uncomfortable considering myself bi. Like, when Liam said Caleb was in love with Jester on Talks it "didn't count" but saying he's attracted to Essek is glorious valid Shadowgast confirmation?

hello anon! this seems to be a hot topic on my blog recently lol, i have been thinking a LOT about biphobia in this fandom--and in the world in general--so i hope you’re prepared for a long and rambly answer.

first off: i am OVERJOYED at the canon confirmation. love that for us.

second off: i am firmly with you on the feeling conflicted.

within ten minutes--ten minutes of that reveal--i saw someone say “that’s an awful thing to say about a mlm character” in response to a criticism of caleb which largely had nothing to do with his attraction to men. and i think that right there boils down all my biphobia rage in one argument.

if your support of or love for a character boils down to whether or not they’re a man who is attracted to men or not then i want nothing to do with you. that is fetishization. and this goes for literally...like...everything.

i was raised, the way i’m sure a lot of people were, to treat everyone with kindness because you never know what they’re going through. and while i disagree with a lot of how my parents raised me that is the one thing that really stuck. it’s still probably the biggest part of my life philosophy.

now i’m not saying you should be nice to everyone or that you should never set boundaries. i am a firm believer that every person deserves to be treated with respect up to the point where they prove that they are unworthy of that respect. even then--even then--and this is something that hugely annoys me as someone who is vaguely leftist--the bare minimum that we as a society must do is not make it actively harder for someone to be a better person. we can’t berate people just for doing good simply because it isn’t more good. (i promise i’m bringing this back around to biphobia). 

and also--i’m sure this will annoy some people but fictional characters quite literally do not have rights. they are not real; they are not human. but people’s reactions and responses are real and those responses have real effects on real people. if your respect for someone is contingent upon them being in love with only men or in love with only women or autistic or disabled or black? i don’t want it. that is putting a value judgement on traits that exist in a vacuum. i’m not saying that we shouldn’t support marginalized people or that they don’t need more support because they are marginalized, i mean i personally am a trans, nonbinary, greyace, bisexual, polyamorous, neurodivergent person of color living below the poverty line, i fucking know marginalized, please support me i need a lot of support--but i don’t only want to be valued because i am those things. i had a girl decide i was a lesbian and start flirting with me because she found out i was attracted to women--it was extremely, extremely uncool.

what i am seeing in the fandom right now is a lot of people whose like of a character is hinging upon the fact that he is into men. not even that, entirely, but specifically with liam--hinging upon his character(s) potentially having a romantic relationship with a man. as if that’s the only part of caleb, or vax, that mattered. (as if that’s the only part of liam that mattered--having fictional relationships with men.)

i think now more than ever the world needs compassion. and while caleb might not be real, liam is, and so is the rest of the cast and crew, and so is the critter community. and when bisexual critters like us especially see this attitude that liam’s only valid if shadowgast happens, or that his crush on jester is disgusting, that reflects on us and it shows us what these people really think of bisexuals. only valid if it’s gay enough. “het” crushes are gross. the works. i’m sure you know. it creates an environment that is not safe for us.

anyway, this got long. whoops. moral of the story: time for me to dig out that “it has been zero days since the cr community was biphobic” post, and also--fucking fantastic, caleb, you funky little bisexual.

[troutpopulation]

God im thinking about. gender n shit and just how fucking shitty some of yall are to people who thought they were binary and found out later that they are not.

im just bitching dont start discourse on my vent or ill kill you fr

I'm a transmasc butch who used to ID with trans manhood and I have like. not a single regret. I hate the narrative that going from "im a man" to "no" is somehow a moral or intellectual failure, like I made a mistake or ruined myself or like I regret everything. I still take T! I still bind when I feel like it! I still use he/him sometimes! I just dont feel like a man. And I hate the term "detransitioner". I'm still trans. I'm transmasc, I'm nonbinary, and that's not just a more covert and ambivalent way of telling you that I'm a man. I especially hate the idea that some people love to group people like me and terfs together.

i, a transmasc dyke gets told im in the wrong bathroom, aggressive and emphatic "sir"'d, and told that im a f*ggot in a dress/sissyboy/not a real woman if, god forbid, I wear something feminine. like clearly i experience transphobia. im trans. but i havent experienced a "youre not a real man" flavor of transphobia in a hot minute ever since I stopped IDing as a trans man and started IDing as a transmasc butch.

see like, I dont WANT to be a "real man", Im constantly berated around the idea like its something I should strive for and not only do I suck for not achieving it I suck for not even striving towards it. i want to reconcile with my womanhood but since starting T (which i dont regret, im so much less dysphoric because of it) I get grouped with men whether I like it or not. I can effortlessly pass as male if I waited a couple of days and grew my beard out, I need to consciously make my voice more feminine and there's still that masculine rumble that I love, but people hate. Ive always felt like I was looking at femininity and womanhood from an outsiders perspective. Like I align myself with it but no matter how welcoming other people might be, I feel like an imposter. But I know Im not a man. I know I belong but I don't belong and I'm sitting on the fence between womanhood and something I don't have the words for.

And I KNOW so many trans women relate to this!!! My best friend is transfeminine and they're one of the only people who I can say really gets it in my life! I can't imagine butches like me and trans women being pitted against each other because like. In what world can someone relate to something so deeply personal to me and I DONT feel solidarity with them?? You would have to be fucking insane to see women go through what you go through and see an enemy? Literally grouping together transmascs who ID with womanhood with terfs is so fucking batshit I will kill you fr i will break you over my knee

[hawkfurze]

Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London, my beloved

YESSSSSS

First Impression: I get the feeling I should hate this guy cause he's acting like such a dick but it's enduring and I like it. But also please be nicer to Martin, he hasn't done anything wrong. Why are you so mean to him?????

Impression Now: Johnathan Sims is such a well written complex character in an amazing horror narrative, despite being surrounded by people who use and manipulate him and constantly berate him for being a monster or encouraging him to be one, chooses kindness and humanity instead, even though he himself believes that he no longer has is humanity anymore. It's also nice to see a male character who is vulnerable and remains a coward through a majority of the story, reacting realistically and irrationally to the horrors he's had to face. On top of that, just being an amazing example of an asexual character (and main protagonist), who also gets into a relationship built on communication and understanding and still has said relationship portrayed in a healthy way despite most of the time the two of them are together as a couple is during the apocalypse. Johnathan Sims I love you and you deserve so so much.

Favorite Moment: There's a couple I really love with him and can't really decide on just one scene. Particularly "Did you think I was a ghost?" "I could be on drugs" "It's a mystery!" "Boo Hoo I'm so alone and a monster" "Let me know if you see any good cows" and just a bunch of other small moments with Jon I like.

Idea for a story: How about a Post MAG 200 story where Jon and Martin are alive and OK and they talk and work through what happened in MAG 200 and get therapy and adopt a bunch of cats and go see good cows and open up a bookstore/tea store and there's no more spooky scary business and they could just live a boring happy normal domestic life because Jon and Martin deserve it!

Unpopular opinion: People who headcannon Jon to be panromantic/asexual are just as valid as people who headcannon him as biromantic/asexual. It's never stated he's either pan or bi and cannon supports both, so I don't see why people have to be so panphobic/biphobic about it.

Favorite Relationship: JonMartin, obviously, but I'm also a fan of JonGerry, JonGerryMartin, and Uni!JonGeorgie.

Favorite headcannon: I like nonbinary/agender Johnathan Sims cause Jon is Gender.

[ashenpages]

Current Fic Ideas & Emoji Voting Key

Quick disclaimer that I’m a romance writer in all aspects of the term, so most of my fics will contain mature content. Engage at your own risk, you know the rules, you’re responsible for curating your own experience of the internet, blah blah blah. This post serves as a current mock up of fic ideas I’m either actively working on or considering working on next. You can drop me an ask about any of them, or just vote via the emoji combo I’ve assigned them.

Voting lets me know you’re excited about an idea and makes it more likely I’ll actually work on it. You can vote anytime, there’re no deadlines or winner announcements, just me gauging your interest by what I see in my ask box most often.

You can also ask me about the original stuff I’m working on currently. The current WIPs are Medusa centric and the emoji for them is: 🐍

- Lupin: 🤑🤠💍  These are all oneshot ideas, between 5-15K each. If you want to vote for a specific idea, send me the emojis and the number of the idea. 

Lupin, Jigen, and Goemon always play rock-paper-scissors after a big heist to decide who’ll give the group a striptease, and who will get showered with money. Based on a piece of fanart that is basically this sequence of events in a 4koma (except in their version Jigen loses and in mine, it’s Goemon). (written, just needs editing)

Zenigata cuffs Lupin four times, and Lupin steals his heart. Very NSFW conclusion. Zenigata is the most caring lover you’ll ever find. Lupin is as thirsty as usual and twice as intense. (written, just needs editing)

Jigen protects Lupin from poison darts during a treasure hunt in an Aztec temple, and Lupin nurses him back to help--forcibly, since Jigen is a horrible patient. Born from my desire to spoil Jigen and talk about what ridiculous domestic husbands these two are. (WIP)

Born from the idea that Goemon and Zenigata probably couldn’t be an item, my brain decided to come up with how I could write for them. Goemon’s teaching an ikebana class as part of his training, and Zenigata shows up as a student on forced recreational leave for his health from the ICPO. Zenigata wins the samurai’s heart through flowers. But what happens when Lupin and Jigen find out? (Only good sexy things, I promise. These beans are in a healthy polycule--be gay, do crimes)

Trans!Lupin and Trans!Jigen premise: Jigen cares for Lupin after the master thief has top surgery, since Jigen has Been There and Done That. Caring, sweet, and a little sexy. Lupin is a much better patient than Jigen.

- Sonic Vampire Novelist Coffee Shop AU: 📚☕💐 

Shadow is an immortal vampire who has seen the world change for the worse too many times. These days it feels like he only lives for his coffee dates with Rouge, another immortal who loves each new era they encounter, warts and all. He has to admit that the book series she got him into speaks to him, at least. If someone in this era can understand him without meeting him, it can’t all be bad. But he hardly expected the goofy blue barista at the new coffee place to understand him the way those books do.

This is a novel length romcom romp with some big feelings about what it means to watch as things change, grow, and die. Expect lots of Big gothic feelings from this one, emotionally charged kissing, and overly-adoring sex. But also expect shenanigans from everyone in the coffee shop, which include Rouge, Amy, Tails, Knuckles, Cream, and more.

- Sonic Blazamy: 💖🌸💎

Amy Rose has been in love with Sonic for a while.

Or has she?

When the Sonic, Tails, Knuckles, Shadow, and Silver are trapped as the fuel sources for Doctor Eggman’s newest evil scheme, Amy teams up with Blaze, Rouge, and Cream to save them. With Sonic out of the picture and Amy fulfilling his role, was she ever really in love with him? Or did she just want to be like him?

This is a novel length epic romance with lots of competent women and lots of romantic Blazamy content. Expect flowery hopes and dreams, badass self-actualization, and glancing hand touches that give way to cuddly and sweet sex.

- Persona 5: 🗡🍛☕

After bringing down the Metaverse twice, Ryuji didn’t think graduating high school and figuring out what to do with his life would be so hard. Akira’s back in town, and the gang’s more-or-less all in Tokyo, but everyone else seems to have a plan while Ryuji just floats. How’s he supposed to change the world when he’s not a phantom thief anymore?

This is a novel length fic that addresses how powerless one can feel being just one person in the face of all the corrupted systems and bigotry the world has to offer. It’s about holding on to what you believe in, working through the doubt, and fighting your way to a better tomorrow with the power you do have. The whole gang is queer, featured relationships being Mako x Ann, Ryuji x Akira, Futaba & Yusuke as platonic life partners. Akira is polyamorous and omnisexual, Futaba’s asexual and aromantic while Yusuke is demisexual and very romantic, Makoto’s a lesbian, Ann and Ryuji are bi, and Haru’s pansexual, demisexual, and aromantic. They’re one giant band of queer Phantom Thieves, and even if they’re not really doing the Metaverse thing anymore, they’re still gonna save the world!

Also, I’m gonna make Makoto not a cop. That super didn’t age well. Zenkichi and his boss can work on making them better/abolishing them for other better organizations.

- Hades Game: ❤️‍🔥💀

Oneshot. I just really need to elaborate on the threesome you can have with them in-game, okay? Healthy and canon poly relationships are so few and far between, so often I have to do a ton of groundwork to explain why it’s working in the fic, but NOT WITH THESE KIDS!

Get ready for Meg helping Zag and Than be better at expressing their feelings, lots of kissing, and probably pegging.

- Castlevania Animation Trevor/Sypha/Alucard: 🧛🏰🛌 

Castlevania gave Alucard a threesome last season, and I just really need S4 to give me him being taken care of by his partners. They’re probably not going to give it to me, so I’ll need to do it myself. This is just an everybody loves Alucard oneshot, with the gang’s signature banter (to an extent), Sypha being sexy, and Trever being remarkably sincere. This fic is gonna feel like that Ann Hathaway picture with Trevor kissing Alucard and Sypha holding the end of Trevor’s whip while she leans her head on Alucard’s shoulder adoringly.

- Devil May Cry Nico/Lady/Trish: 💋✨😈 

Nico’s gay, okay? Like really, really gay. And Lady’s bi and not into men who make her pay bills, but very into women who make amazing guns for her and demonesses with hearts who fight by her side. Trish is ace, but loves people and is pretty attached to Lady at this point. Plus it’s cute when Lady blushes and says nice things like they’re insults. I don’t have super solid ideas for them yet, and I envision these more like a polycule where Lady’s with Nico and with Trish but they’re not with each other more than seeing it as a threesome, but who knows what might happen. This is probably 1-2 oneshots depending on ideas, but might turn into a series of oneshots if people are interested (or I can’t control myself and inspiration strikes).

- Post FMA:B Blind Roy & No Alchemy Ed: 👀👑🙏

This is actually an old novel-length fic I wrote ages ago and didn’t post that didn’t turn out well because I was new to writing sex when I first wrote it. The plot is good, and is all about Roy learning to work with his blindness to reclaim his ambition of being Fuhrer and changing the system to something that actually cares for its people. He and Ed reconnect, fall into bed, and both set about working through their respective traumas about being “useless” having lost their sight/alchemy. They go to Xing as an ambassadorial party to offer Amestris’s collaboration on Al and May’s Alkahestry experiments--and uncover a plot that might threaten both kingdoms.

- Age of Calamity continuity Mipha x Revali: 🦚🐟💘

The first time Revali noticed Mipha, it was in the heat of battle. She stole his mark, taking them down with a flurry of quick blows from her spear. Violence rained from her like water--and then she healed him on her way to her next battle. No questions, no conditions, just pure kindness. The usual need to measure himself against those around him was quiet in her wake. And Revali couldn’t understand it. But how to get to know more about her? A fish and bird may fall in love, but where would they live?

This fic could be a oneshot or novel length depending on how far down the hole I fall. I need it to cover time, but it could be done in linked vignettes or with actually covering events in detail. I may elect to do a oneshot just to get it done and out of my system faster. So much fic to write, so little time.

Expect trans!Revali, polyamorous Zoras, scary competent Mipha, songbird Revali, love confessions that are made up entirely of berating Link for not loving Mipha the way she wants him to, and breaking these characters a little outside of their assigned roles in BotW and Age of Calamity. Background Link x Zelda, and Urbosa x Zelda’s Mom.

- Epic desert romance about Urbosa and Zelda’s mom: 🏜🏝⚡

I just think Urbosa should kiss women and Zelda’s mom should get more development and maybe a name or something. Also, lightning imagery/metaphors/play.

It also went way over my head that Riju wasn’t Urbosa’s daughter the first time I played BotW, so now I want to write about the Gerudo queen who refused to produce an heir. The Gerudo are fascinating and have a very interesting cutlure, but I think it could be examined from a nonbinary perspective that rejected pregnancy and wanting to find a husband. Not in like a hateful way, but in a way that examines if that’s really right for everyone. There’s that shop in town that sells Voe armor, after all. Maybe finding a husband and having children isn’t something you have to do if you don’t want to. And Urbosa really doesn’t want to.

[im-the-punk-who]

Idk if ur the right person to send this to so feel free to ignore if you aren't but I'm beginning to realize that I might be a trans guy after years of thinking I'm enby and I'm really struggling with that? I've received a lot of the messages over the years about how men are bad and violent and I've also experienced a lot of gender based violence before I was out. I know intellectually that there's nothing wrong with manhood and yet I'm still really struggling. Idk do you have any thoughts on learning to accept your own manhood

Okay! Sorry this took a few days to answer but this is...definitely still a complicated thing for me, too.

First off I wanna say that whether you end up identifying as a binary trans man or somewhere in between that and nonbinary, that is very cool and valid and all of this can apply no matter where on the spectrum of masculinity you ultimately end up falling.

I saw a post which explains the basic thesis of what I'm gonna say, which is that your gender does not equal your morality. 

Tumblr in particular really likes to go hard on the misandry and it can be really hard not to internalize that. Especially when it comes in the form of so many jokes, and especially especially when some of it does line up with experiences you’ve had. The biggest thing to realize, is that just *being a man* doesn't make you inherently violent or toxic or bad. All of the things that Tumblr and feminism in general tends to equate to “being a man = bad” are things that are learned or encouraged over time, no matter how much terfs like to insist they are traits inherent in being born with a y chromosome. 

(And yes, these misandry arguments ALL have their basis in gender essentialism and in arguing why trans people can’t exist.)

As this relates to trans men, it becomes akin to walking a tightrope our entire lives. In both society at large and LGBT spaces we're made to fit as close as possible into gender norms to avoid violence or oppression(or the insistence we’re really just lesbians or self-hating cishets). But we also have first hand experience of the ways in which men are *socialized* to behave being harmful and don’t want to perpetuate them and be labeled a ‘bad person’. So we have to constantly walk this line of, I suppose trying to act manly enough while also trying not to cause waves (And, AS A NOTE, does that sound eerily similar to the argument most feminists say is purely a feminine experience? Is it almost like the very system that seeks to free cis women through hatred of men perpetrates those exact same systems onto other marginalized communities?)

And I will say, this is something I still struggle with. A lot. It's not going to be something you can take a magic pill for and never have to worry about again. I started transitioning almost a decade ago and I'm still trying to find the balance. Cis men can spend their *whole lives* trying to find that balance. I know quite a few - in case it feels like this is a purely trans experience. Reckoning with the way that male privilege has socialized men to harm at the same time radical feminism has socialized everyone it can that all men intentionally cause harm is a universal experience among men who are aware of it. 

It's not easy, and I guess just...if you feel like you're struggling on that front as you continue your gender journey(Laynie i hate you i hate you i hate you) try to remind yourself that you're not alone. And that what you’re fighting against is a systemic socialization, not something inherent in yourself. You’re going to screw up - that doesn't make you a bad person or a bad man.

I listen a lot to Brene Brown. 

I know people are probably sick of hearing me talk about her, but she is a shame researcher who honestly helped me a LOT in realizing why I was feeling so bad about parts of my personality or my gender expression. She’s excellent. If you find you’re having a lot of trouble reckoning with being this thing you have perceived as bad for a very long time, I highly recommend listening to some of her ted talks and other speeches. Most of them are on youtube. 

For a long time I was trying to base my gender off of what I thought people would love. I went over the top, dressed in popular styles, was WAY more feminine than I actually feel, and tried to make myself as unassuming as possible - in part because of childhood trauma but also because I was genuinely ashamed to be a man(particularly a gay man) because I had internalized the idea that men - especially gay men - were woman-haters. (And, because I hated *myself* as a woman, I thought that I also hated women, and I thought that I must be one of those Bad Gays.)

But once I stopped trying to do that? Once I was like ‘no I’m actually a gay-up man’ and stopped berating myself for not liking my feminie body and hating the parts of myself that I didn’t identify with but felt forced to perform? Once I started looking at what made *me* happy and not other people? It became so much easier to not feel those things. 

SO I guess, what I’m saying is that the best way to deal with internalized misandry is to try to forgive yourself, and recognize that the things that men perpetrated against you and that people say are ‘toxic male traits’ are not *inherent* to being a man. They are things that are taught to men(both cis and trans) by society. And also that like, these are also things that are not just inherent to men. Any toxic trait that a man exhibits a woman can too - and yeah there’s a discussion about how the general power imbalance between men and women makes it less likely a woman would cause as much damage but honestly? If you’re on tumblr you’re most likely in female dominated spaces where arguably that isn’t true, especially with the number of fucking TERFS on this website. 

Also....you do not inherit cismale privilege just by identifying as a man. No matter how far you take your transition, you are *always* going to be at a different level of privilege from a cisman. Even if you transition as far as you are able to right now and live and pass as a cisman for the rest of your life, you are not a cisman and that is going to affect how you move through the world.

(That doesn’t mean you are not a *man* because you are not cis, btw. Just that there are things that cismen don’t have to worry about that are going to affect your life - things like ovarian cancer, breast cancer, hormonal dependence, corrective abuse, medical shortages, physical differences that out transpeople - there are a hundred things that trans men have to experience throughout their lives that cismen are never, ever going to deal with. And yes, this goes for transwomen / cis women as well.)

Something that helped me become comfortable living as a man was to look at specific traits of the men in my life. Why did I feel comfortable around this man, but not others, what red flags physically or emotionally did this behavior set off in me? And then focusing on those specific *behaviors* rather than the men themselves. If you can separate the individual traits from an overarching idea of 'manhood' that might be helpful in feeling like you can inhabit manhood without being toxic. 

Basically, my best advice is to tell yourself that what makes you a man does not make you inherently toxic. In fact what makes *all* men, men, does not make them inherently toxic. Men are not trash just because they’re men, and the fight against misandry *is* a fight for marginalized people. It hurts transmasculine people in exactly the ways you are hurting. No matter what TERFs say - no matter what male-critical or whatever they’re calling themselves to not have to call themselves TERFs say - men are not born evil, or bad, or trash. 

Toxic masculinity is a learned behavior. It is not something you are given the day you start identifying as a man, and it is not something you have to perpetuate. 

Calling it anything else does a disservice to everyone who identifies as masculine of center but especially trans men, who have to reckon with this exact knowledge that in affirming who they are, certain people are going to hate them and call them monsters and tell them they are trash and unworthy of loving without hurting. 

And that shit just isn’t true. It isn’t fucking true! Men are not toxic just because they are men, and you are not a bad person just because you are a transman. That’s, I suppose, the best advice I can offer you. I hope it helps, and I also just want to reiterate that I hope you find affirmation in whatever you end up deciding. <3 <3 <3

[sclfmastery]

cw abuse mention - so im new to fandom and im curious about something. is it okay to ship toxic/abusive ships? like obviously not if one is an adult and the other is not or they're related but as anna karenina said "All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." you know? ive just seen different opinions on that so im curious.

Short answer: Do what is comfortable for you and the people you directly interact with.  Have open conversations about what each of you is comfortable with. Tag  known triggers diligently, and put especially controversial content under a read-more.  At any point in time, when someone with whom you are writing becomes uncomfortable, respect their discomfort and cease to write the content that’s upsetting them. On the other side of the coin, refrain from judging others for writing material you are uncomfortable with, and simply avoid their blog. Block if you have to.  Blocking has gotten a bad rep on social media, but it is actually a very important way to establish boundaries in a society that’s ubiquitous with instant forms of information (and social contact).  Do not feel ashamed for doing what you need to do to feel safe. 

Longer answer: This is a tough one. That’s probably why you’ve seen so many different (often strong) opinions about it, and let me disclaim that I’m no expert. I have written many toxic ships and I have written many ships that are healthy and balanced right off the bat. My end goal, however, is always healthy and balanced, with the understanding by all involved, “do not try this in real life.” 

At the core of this argument is the extent to which creative fiction may explore realms that are necessarily, and for good reason, inadvisable, even harmful and dangerous, in real life.  This of course then brings up questions of “to what extent can fiction influence reality by modeling certain cultural values?” And, therefore, “what is the creator/author/artist’s responsibility to real people consuming their work?”  As an artist and scholar by profession, I am deeply invested in analyzing media for the messages it conveys, and in the fact that art has a transformative power upon society.  There are things you just shouldn’t write about: egregious depictions of rape not responsibly and sensitively resolved, for instance.  

On the other hand, some content creators who explore deeply controversial content claim that it is therapeutic to explore their triggers from the safe distance of fiction, and that, if they tag responsibly and don’t force that content on others, who is to say that they are “forbidden” from doing so? 

It’s a complicated situation and I have come to believe that the best way to deal with it is on a case-by-case basis. Everyone has a different threshold, and every “toxic ship” you might write is a different level of toxic. A good way  to gauge this is the couple’s power dynamic. 

 For instance, I write the Doctor X the Master on this blog. To me, this is acceptable because both parties have informed consent about how toxic the partner is, and both parties have an equitable power dynamic: neither the Doctor nor the Master is stronger, or at more of an advantage, in terms of social or political privilege. They are both nonbinary and queer, both Time Lords of an elite social caste (important note: for this pairing this is not always true. Sometimes you do have to be very careful, and check both the character’s privilege and your own as a writer: for instance, if you write Thirteen x Dhawan, be aware of how she weaponized his brownness against him, which DOES matter to the human audience watching Doctor Who, as well as the character--the Master--experiencing a power dynamic imbalance, and how that is a very problematic incident that needs to be directly addressed if the relationship is to flourish).  Moreover, at different times in their complex friendship, both parties have shown a willingness to change out of love for the other: meaning there is still the possibility of healthy growth and healing.  I tag triggers diligently and always, and I make sure my writing partners are not feeling uncomfortable. 

 On the other hand, I will never write a toxic ship like Jessica Jones x Kilgrave. Why? Because he is a serial rapist with no remorse who shows no signs of repentance.  Because Jessica is his serial victim, and because she is a woman and he is a cis man. Because he literally has the power of mind control and she isn’t, until the very end of the first season, immune.  Right there we have an inequitable power dynamic that really can never be resolved, and probably shouldn’t, because pardoning the man of crimes so real and so severe to millions of survivors worldwide is just not something it’s worth it to do for a fun writing hobby.

Another example of a toxic ship I’d never write: a historical slave owner x a slave. Like, Thomas Jefferson x Sally Hemings (yes, people actually do this. believe it or not).  Not a good idea to try to render sympathetic and romantic a figure who participated in and benefited economically from the trafficking and abuse of human beings, the effects of which are still felt by black and brown people every day.  Do I even have to say, inequitable power dynamic, based both on gender and on race?  Plus it’s dangerous from a historical, cultural narrative standpoint to romanticize the institution of racism by sugar-coating some of its most infamous practitioners (America already has done this by ascribing “Founding Father” to Jefferson, who was frankly an asshole).  In this case you’re even blurring the lines of fiction and reality because these were real people that you’re “rping.”  

Summary!  Open, considerate communication is really important. The rules are different than when you’re writing a solo fanfic. You are collaborating with another human being, who has feelings and needs.  Always consider the power dynamic of the characters: “should I” is a dynamic question with very different answers, from fictional couple to fictional couple. 

You will make mistakes. I know I have.  Don’t berate yourself too severely, just ask what you did wrong, make a note of it, and move forward better aware of what not to do.  

Folks can reblog this if it’s at all helpful! 

[im-just-trash-o3o]

Oh? Hey, come on out! There’s no need to be shy!

There we go! Much better, darling.

Anyways, well, I’m sure that if you’re reading this, you know of [REDACTED], right? Well, I have been very good over these past few months at not spoiling anything, so I came up with [REDACTED] as their cover name!

So, after all of this time...

I would like you all to meet...

Menot!

My OC for @yeennqueenn ‘s original universe, that I like to call the ‘Belliverse’!

Their name is pronounced as “meh-not” as opposed to “mee-not.”

They are a forget me not flower object head, (hehe, get it, lol?) and the animal portion of them is a brown and white Fennec Fox!

Umm...well...hmm...

Where to start...?

Well, me and Yeennqueenn have been developing them through roleplay, art, and mini side-stories for a few months now! (The art above is by Yeenn.) They are my character, but i’d be wrongfully lying if I said yeenn didn’t help me immensely with the process of development, which is still absolutely going on. The main rp is on chapter two, out of ten, and we have explored many other topics through fics -both canon and out of canon/character- and it’s been so fun so far!!

I guess i’ll start with the basics.

What is their name?

•Menot Christine Berkovich

What’s their gender?

•biologically intersex, but identifies as nonbinary.

What is their age?

•they are, as of the day of this post being made, 9 years old! Their birthday is on December 10th! (They’re 9 days under two months younger than Lapin. Also same birthday as Chat!!)

What’s up with that whole side of their flower being gone?

•hooooo boy... buckle up, fam, because this one is a long one. So, basically, I’m an angsty fucker, and they have abusive parents. Not just verbally abusive, and not an occasional hit for no reason either. No. I mean they have nearly died twice so far because of their parents. Whenever they have to be at home, they are starved, beaten, berated and told they are lucky they are allowed to stay alive, because their parents say they would be losing a piece of furniture if they died. Their flower petal was completely destroyed by their father when they were six, along with their ear being completely cut off. They are also missing a pinky finger on their left paw. On the human version of them, the entire upper right quarter of their face is covered in severe burns, they are still missing their left pinky and right ear. Their parents hate them so much because they aren’t “normal.” They aren’t a girl or a boy, they are both and neither simultaneously, and they have adhd. Their parents see this as a horrible punishment. Having a child who doesn’t fit the norm of the “perfect little child.” They are also not capable of having another child, so they take out a lot of anger on Menot as well. Their parents call them a ‘creature of the devil.’ (This is the bare minimum, by the way. This is nothing compared to what I have actually made them go through in RP.) Yeah, it’s horrible, i know. I will talk more about this eventually. Feel free to ask questions.

What are their hobbies?

•Great question! They are a very gifted little child! They love art, music (except for church music,) E.L.A, writing, and later in life, they will take up crocheting as a hobby. They also know four languages. English as their first, French as their second, Russian as their third, and Hebrew as their fourth. Every hobby they have, they have taught themself (including the languages other than English.) Due to them having no toys, only some books, notebook paper and pen, and a barely functioning iPod they found on the street, they are constantly practicing their writing and art. They cannot practice their singing at home, but they still do at any chance they get outside of the house. They are only allowed to listen to Gospel at home. (...they’re forced to.) Their art skills are the most developed out of all of their hobbies. They have been drawing since they were three, and practice in secret (away from their parents) every day. (Fun fact: they used to sneak out to free concerts, but one night they were caught and were given a black eye by their father. They never went again.)

Alright...uhhmmm...I think that’s all of that. Now on to how they tie into the main story! They aren’t just a side character. They’re a big part of the main story (thank you yeenn for letting me do that. I love you <3!) They go to the same school as Lapin. Lapin and then met when some bullies were picking on them and they were curled into a ball on the ground. Lapin couldn’t just ignore that, and for the first time, he got into a fight. His nose bled and he made them flee, and from there, he helped hem up and took them to the bathroom to wash up. They talked, and then the rest of their story began to unfold from there. This is a big summarization of the beginning of their story, btw. It’s much more detailed.

They are a big part of Lapin’s life, and as of the day I’m making this post, they have just become a true part of Lapin, Chat and David’s little found family. Chat is like a father figure to them.

HOWEVER!!! CLARIFICATION!!! PLEASE READ THIS!!! MENOT AND LAPIN ARE NOT SIBLINGS, NOR WILL THEY EVER BE!!!

They are very close friends. They have an extremely close relationship, and are basically inseparable. But they are not siblings. Their relationship is purely friendship. Yes, the reason for this will be cleared up one day. Just not today.

Chat and David are like fathers to them, though. They just don’t see Lapin as a sibling.

..um, well, I think that’s all I have to say for now!! If you’ve made it this far into their introduction, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR BEING INTERESTED IN MY BABY!! I LOVE YOU ALL!!

These were all the basics I could think of for now. They will continue to be developed for as long as the belliverse exists!! I will reveal many details, there will be new ones, and more story will come up.

Thank you for reading, I’m so happy i’ve finally been able to reveal them!

NOW GO WILD AND ASK ME QUESTIONS!!! PLEASE I WILL ANSWER ANYTHING SO LONG AS I HAVE AN ANSWER FOR IT!!!

Trash-O3O, out!!!

[seunghyuns-enbyfriend]

Re: The Fucking New Chan Drama

Well, here we go again.  So, let me say this, while I have not been diagnosed, I have all the signs of depression.  I haven’t been diagnosed because of the fucking useless American healthcare system (yay unfettered capitalism, fml), and I won’t say that I can definitely speak for those with depression that has been diagnosed.  I will also say that one’s experiences are not invalidated because of the lack of a diagnosis, so I am speaking from the perspective of someone who may be depressed.

Now that that’s out of the way, does anyone actually know for sure, 100% that he said what you think he said?  Did you HEAR what he said?  In Korean?  In English?  Which one(s) do you speak yourself?  All I’ve seen and heard was that there was a video with no sound and now there’s a translation that some are saying is inaccurate, so if I’m missing something, please someone fill me in and link it to me.  Now, assuming he DID say what people think he said...  Some people make jokes that are not funny.  Some people make dumb jokes.  Some people do it to cope with feeling that same thing, how would you feel if he came out and said “guys, I’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression”?  I know I forget to eat or just flat out don’t want to some days, and if I had meds, I’m sure I’d have the same damn problem with them.  So maybe joking about it was his way of coping with it.  You don’t know his life, you know what he presents to us.

I’m sure every single one of you who are pissed as hell at Chan are also pissed as hell at Seungri of BigBang, baffled by those who think they know him as a person and so can say he’s a good person.  But you do the same thing with Chan when you act like you know he’s not depressed.  A depressed person isn’t just fucking sad all the time and everyone who knows anything about depression knows that.  Clinical depression is a tangle of symptoms that aren’t constantly present, and some people are damn good at faking things (once again, something I’m sure you have no problem thinking with Seungri but you suddenly forget people can fake things when Chan comes up and you assume he’s not depressed).  Now, this post isn’t about Seungri, you can search my post history for my post(s) about him if you want my take on that (though please do note how long ago they are- for the record I am an OT4 BigBang stan).

No, this post is about a joke people allege Chan made.  Assuming he did...  Not all jokes are funny, like I said.  I’m a trans person, I’m nonbinary, jokes have been made at my expense before both on purpose and on accident by people who didn’t know better.  Even if Chan is not depressed, education on mental health issues is almost nonexistent outside of psych courses in college (maybe high school but those are shit) and the internet, do you really think Chan has time to teach himself about mental health while being an idol and leader of a group?  Teach him, don’t throw him away, he’s still so young.  Don’t act like he’s a lost cause or “problematic”, address him as uneducated until you have reason to believe he refuses to listen.

This is Bang Chan we’re talking about.  He became my bias when he looked into a camera and, with as much sincerity as he could muster, said that he wanted Stays to feel comfortable going to them when we’re not feeling ok.  Bang Chan, a man who realized that not only girls are Stays and made things more inclusive.  Bang Chan, who risked being punished by JYP last time his own fans lashed out at him, because he wanted the world to know he was sorry.  Bang Chan, who takes care of his members and his fans with the courage of a lion and the love of a father, at only 21 years old.  I have no doubt he feels like shit if he did make a joke in poor taste, and even if he didn’t, I have no doubt he’s berating himself for allowing people to even think that he did.  He’s shown us his true stripes more than most idols have had to.  He didn’t have to get the apple picture up, but he did.  He not only risked himself being punished but one of his members as well because he recognized that he made a mistake.  If that doesn’t warrant being patient this time around, I don’t know what does.

[owlaholic68]

Lumberjanes - Molly

Y’all, sometimes I re-read Lumberjanes comics and remember that they really did that. They really did give us a hero for kids with bad families to look up to. This Sunday is just Loving Molly day apparently. Spoilers for up to Issue #44 (end of the Time Shenanigans arc) under the cut and warnings for mentions of bad families:

First off, let’s not forget all of the diverse and loving families they do give us:

[ID: a page from Issue 37 showing the Lumberjanes and their parents and families. Molly is shown alone. End id]

Like, I’d die for Jo’s dads and Ripley’s abuela. But the highlight of the Parent’s Day/Time Shenanigans arcs (Issues 37- 44) is the exploration of Molly’s story, which has been hinted at since the very beginning of this long series (remember in issue #1 where she looks terrified at the prospect that Rosie might call their parents? Or all of the times they’ve talked about time being slower at camp and Molly looking so relieved?). 

Yeah, so then Parent’s Day finishes up. And Molly has apparently given her parents the wrong address so they don’t come (or she had no idea they were coming and they just didn’t care enough to actually know where their daughter was). 

[ID: two pages from Issue 40 where Molly’s parents show up to camp. Molly’s mom starts berating her for lots of things but is dragged away by Rosie, and her dad follows. Molly is visibly very upset. End id]

Like, Lumberjanes normally doesn’t make me ugly-cry. But Molly’s arc does, because there’s so much going on here, and it’s so important for kids with families like this to see that they’re not alone and that this isn’t okay. In her parent’s eyes, everything Molly does is wrong. She’s too much of a tomboy, she hangs around with people her parents don’t approve of, she’s too big (we’ll get to that in a sec), and she doesn’t want to follow the path her parents have set out for her. 

And the Time arc. Oh, the time arc. Kicking it off with a bang, and this dream:

[ID: two pages from Issue 41 showing Molly dreaming of her mother. Her mom is dragging her along yelling at her for being late and then tries to shove her into the mold of a woman that is much smaller than Molly, with Molly insisting that she can’t fit and that she’s trying to be smaller. End id]

This is actually not the first that Molly feeling “too big” has come up, because it was mentioned briefly in the Roller Derby arc when trying on roller skates. And this fits into everything we’ve heard about Molly not fitting in with what her family wants her to be. It’s so heart-breakingly relatable, because this comic is geared towards girls and young tweens, who all will or have felt too big, too tall, too whatever. Add that to parental pressure, and Molly quickly becomes one of the most relatable and impactful characters of the series. 

Which of course jumpstarts the whole plot of the Time Arc, which is Molly doing some shady stuff to try to slow down time even further so she never has to leave. (Is there also an implied thing here that Rosie maybe also came from a bad family and never actually left camp? Because there’s definitely a storyline with the Bear Woman that keeps coming back, that maybe Molly really could sacrifice everything and stay to protect the forest. But anyways...)

[ID: two pages from Issue 44. Molly talks about not fitting in with her family and them not making room for her. A picture of the family is shown with Molly awkwardly standing off to the side and looking uncomfortable. Mal and the other Lumberjanes reassure Molly that she’s still wonderful and nice and that they love her anyway. They have a group hug around Molly. End id]

And of course the most important lesson here: that despite the way your family feels about you, you are still amazing and wonderful and worthy of love, and you should never change. Even if you’re a kid reading this who isn’t in Molly’s position, you probably know somebody who is, unfortunately.

You might think that this gets rather dark for a kids’ comic series, but it’s also important to talk about in a way that kids can understand. I give so much thanks to all of the writers who decided to tackle this difficult topic in a way that is going to help so many people. And I’ve remembered why I enjoy the Lumberjanes so much, even as an adult. There’s just so much to it. Like, don’t even get me started on Barney being nonbinary, or Jo being trans, or Mal and Molly’s relationship, or Ripley’s sense of adventure and energy, or April’s difficulties in navigating interpersonal relations. It’s just all so wonderful and I’m glad I’ve found this series. 

[klausesdiego]

the trial of my gender by maggie c.

below is the personal essay i wrote for my creative nonfiction class. it documents and talks about my struggle with accepting who i am and how i identify in terms of gender. please read the whole thing and be kind. 

I sat at my dining room table, in the middle of the night, watching YouTube videos about people documenting their gender transition. It was fascinating to me, much in the same way that an outside observer would see any scientific study or conduction. To me it was simply that; I was an outside force that was interested in learning more about this topic. For research purposes. I was in 8th grade, so my fascinations tended to fringe to the edges of what was normal. I loved British panel shows, documentaries about serial killers, and even How It’s Made videos. Basically, I watched a large variety of videos that a typical 13 year old wouldn’t think to even look up. And one day I stumbled across the genre of gender transition videos. I believe I was looking up hair dying tutorials because this was around the same time I started experimenting with my hair color; regardless, I ended up watching voice comparisons, post-op surgery reports, and just vlogs in general of people venting their gender concerns. It wasn’t then and there that I realized that being transgender was a thing. I knew of it before that moment. But it was at the moment, the dining room deathly quiet and dark as night except for the illumination of my computer screen that I began to question my own gender.

Gender dictates everything in life. Everywhere you go, even from a young age, you are determined your worth through gender. And maybe it’s not as clear and forthright as you may think I’m trying to convey it as, but a closer eye can see that nearly everything in life, is based on gender. From an early age, even preschool or kindergarten, you are divided by gender. They tell the boys to be a group and the girls to be a group. And at that young age it is ingrained in everyone’s brain that gender is a binary. Gender is male or female and there is no inbetween. It won’t be until high school,l at least, that people will learn that sometimes people fall outside of those binary lines. Maybe you were a male who dressed or acted a little too feminine for everyone’s liking. Maybe you were deemed a “tomboy” simply because you prefered board shorts to bikinis. But at the end of the day, the people around you will label you as a gender that is either male or female. And that isn’t the case. If gender is a binary code of 1’s and 0’s, then everything that doesn’t fit within that code is labeled “nonbinary”. Gender non-conforming, transgender, androgynous, agender, genderqueer whatever you want to call yourself, there are things that lie beyond that binary.

Even when I was young, I didn’t know where I was supposed to fall in the gender binary. I knew that because of how I was born that I was deemed female. Assigned female at birth. That’s what some people call it. But it didn’t really seemed assigned. It didn’t feel like a government assigned label, like a social security number. It truly felt like a piece of my identity. At least, partially. When I was a freshman in highschool I finally berated my mom to the point where she let me cut my hair short into what I called a “pixie” cut. I tried to find the most feminine word for it, hoping that it would sway her opinion. This was soon after I learned the wonders of gender transition videos and watching them soon became a daily habit. In the end I looked like Justin Bieber from 2009, but I didn’t care. I was in love with it. My face was too rounded, my lips were too full. But my hair seemed right, finally. When I was a sophomore in highschool I came out to my parents as transgender. I wrote the date down in my calendar but said calendar has long since seen the trash can after one too many times of me cleaning my bedroom out of anxiety-ridden panic. I told them I wish I was born a male. And the funniest part about that? I don’t even think they remember. Sure, we had a good cry and my mom hugged me, telling me she would love me no matter who or what I wanted to become, but after that night, we never spoke of it again. My parents kept leaving little hints here and there that I might be a lesbian, saying things like “whoever you decide to marry” or “your future significant other”, but they never mentioned my gender. I was always going to be their little girl. And for a while, only my closest friends knew about who I was.

For a graphic design class I took in college, we had to construct a poster series about a serious issue that we were concerned about. The professor used his personal example of heroine usage in York, Pennsylvania and shared stories about it affecting his life directly. At this point in my life I was pretty confident in being unconfident in my gender, so naturally, I gravitated towards transgender-related topics. I learned that every 4 days a person who is transgender gets murdered. I made the poster in the style of a calendar with a bouquet of flowers every 4 days with the flowers being the color scheme of the transgender flag. I thought it was somber but albeit fitting. Learning that terrible fact was a shock for me. I knew that people who were transgender were discriminated, harassed, assaulted, and killed. But at that rate? It made me scared for my life. I was glad, for once in my life, that I presented myself as my biological gender. It was my safety net. Plausible deniability.

Rewind to high school, sophomore year to be exact, I started going by a different name, a more masculine name, online in gender support groups. My closest friend to me, the only one who knew about this whole thing, asked me if I wanted her to refer to me as a boy. I told her it didn’t matter. It did matter to me though. I wanted to be referred to a boy but I didn’t want to go through the hoops of having to change everything about my outer life to simply appease the gnawing feeling inside of me. At night, I wished that I could just wake up one morning with a different body and a different background. It didn’t matter to me how or why, I just felt that all of my problems with who I was would be solved if I had been more biologically male.

One of my friends from middle school is transgender. He started transitioning in his freshman year of college and I followed his journey of finding himself through Instagram. He seems genuinely happy and I feel happy for him everytime I see one of his posts. A different friend of mine, from highschool this time, thought he was a lesbian at the time, and it wasn't until he graduated high school that he decided he wanted to transition to male and be who he truly was. Even at college now, I know of people who have found themselves and their gender through time and experience. They say that cancer affects everyone because everyone knows someone who has been a victim of it. But this works the same for the transgender community. Nearly everyone knows someone. And if they say don’t, then they probably know a closeted person.

For a few years after sophomore year, I decided to let my gender identity go to the back burner, after all I had more important things on my plate: college applications and getting my driver's license. It wasn’t until I was a freshman in college, going to my first meeting of the Gay Straight Alliance that I realized I could reinvent myself No one here knew who I was. So when it came time to say my name and pronouns, I said my birth name, a name I still hold very dear to my heart, and the pronouns “they/them”. It may look like dipping your toe in the water to some people, testing to see if it’s the perfect temperature, but to me it was like taking a running jump and going into a cannonball. I was out. No matter what I was. No matter what I identified as. I was not cisgender anymore.

The idea of cisgender became a hot debate online in forum posts all around. Some people saw the shortening of it to “cis” as a slur much to the way that transphobic people would call transgender people tr*nny’s. But, in reality, it was just a label that society had created to say that your birth gender matched up with the gender you identified as. Most people are cisgender and for a lot of people their knowledge ends just there. Maybe they don’t even know the term cisgender at all. Maybe they are blissfully unaware of the struggles that people go through everyday just by existing. Maybe they just don’t care.

My cousin came out as transgender in an odd way. Through Facebook. She just posted briefly that she had begun hormone replacement therapy. She was already known as the extreme left-wing of the family. She had moved out to California to pursue a degree in gender studies. We all assumed she was just gay, not that she was actually a she. My sister-in-law’s sister came out as transgender, deciding to transition in her late 30’s despite having a wife and daughter. It was then that I realized that being transgender, having a different idea of who you are than from when you were born, isn’t just a fad that people on the internet were adhering to. This was a real thing. I felt justified in that moment. And my feelings felt like they had some grounding for the first time in a while.

In the gender support groups online, I was still a pretty active member at this point, I started going by masculine pronouns instead, still keeping my name the feminine one I was given at birth. This raised a lot of questions as to why I wanted to keep my name, but ultimately it boiled down to the fact that my name didn’t bother me that much. In reality, it just seemed to bother other people more. Like they couldn’t imagine someone by the name of Jennifer being a male. But I knew that it didn’t matter what other people thought of me. I started wearing exclusively sports bras, trying to smother my chest as best as possible. I was on my way to becoming who I wanted to be.

A lot of people who are transgender call their birth names their “dead names”. They see it as exactly that. That other person is dead to society. They have reinvented themselves much like how a phoenix rises from the ashes. While I had experimented with other names, more masculine names, as stated above, I felt a deep connection with my birth name and I didn’t see myself changing it anytime soon. But then again, my reluctance to not change my name was not really based on my affections for said name. Rather, it was me, once again, not wanting to go through the hoops and hurdles of having to change my outer life so much to fit the way I saw myself inside. In my head I knew who I was. What did it matter that other people saw something different? At the end of the day I know that by the end of my gender journey if I decide to change my name, or at least go by a different name, I would be perfectly fine with that. But my birth name would always hold a dear part in my heart.

I came out to my parents as bisexual in an unusual way. It was actually before I went to college. We were on a road trip to visit one of the colleges I had been accepted to and we stopped at a Burger King for lunch. It was bisexual awareness day and so I posted something on Instagram about it. My mom turned to me, and just said, “So, bisexual, huh?” And it was left at that. You might have sensed a theme that my parents aren’t the best with continuing communication by now. I think, some strange part of me deep down inside of me knew, my parents were glad that in their eyes I wasn’t “fully gay”. There was still a chance I would settle down with a nice Christian boy and have 2.5 kids with a white picket fence. And there still is that chance. But there is also the chance that I find a nice girl and we settle down, opting for cats instead of children. I remember, years later, talking to my parents in my living room about weddings. My sister was getting married and I dropped the bomb casually that I may end up marrying a woman. My mother, my closest friend in the entire world, started crying at this. It left me shattered in a way that I haven’t fully recovered from. She told me she would always love me but that she didn’t know how she would feel if she had to have my father give me away to a woman instead of a man. I left to my room heartbroken and sobbed myself to sleep that night.

After I came out to my parents as transgender, I did a lot of research about hormone replacement therapy and how parents view their children who were transgender. I would sit on the bus on the way home from freshman year high school and Google terms like “what to do if my child is transgender” or “female to male teen transition”. I was trying to research what I imagined my parents would be researching. In reality, we know that they never mentioned again to me so for all I know, they never did any research. For all I know they erased that day of their lives out of their memory. For me, however, it will be forever ingrained in my memory. It was the first day I started being true to myself. I was truthful when I told my parents I was transgender. I was truthful when I told my parents I wish I would have been born a male. I just left out the part where I didn’t actually want to live my life as a male. Not fully. I was nonbinary. Genderqueer. Agender. Or even, all of the above.

My experience with gender isn’t anywhere over and I don’t see it being over anytime soon. As of right now, I identify as nonbinary, dancing in some weird abyss of not being female and not being male. I see it as more of a burden than an identity. The fact that I can’t pinpoint exactly who I am is frustrating, but a lot of people don’t see it in the same way. That’s the magic of it being a spectrum; there will be people who feel everything at every point in said spectrum. Some people out there will love being nonbinary and the freedom that it gives them. Most people don’t feel like me. Most people don’t see being nonbinary as a burden or something at fault. But for me, I hope to one day find myself and who I truly am, even if that is what I already know.

When I first cut my hair short freshman year of high school, someone asked me if I was gay. Gay, in today's terms, sort of means the same as queer. Anything other than the normal. Gay emcompasses anything revolving around the LGBT community for some people. I told them no. It felt like cutting a piece of myself out. One of the deadliest sins a Christian can commit is denying their Lord. When asked if you are a Christian, a Christian must respond yes, or else they sacrifice their ticket to their afterlife. To me, answering no felt like I was denying myself that ticket to the gay afterlife. If asked that same question today, I would look them in the eye, think of the LGBT heaven I was destined for, and say yes.

[mr---moth]

I wanna tell you guys about my first experience with truscum. It'll have a point it's not just be bitching. Probably.

I was just a bit younger than I am now and newly identifying as genderfluid after IDing as nonbinary for about a year. I was still presenting really femininely and I felt so extremely insecure and dysphoric about it. So I was searching through the genderfluid tag on here to make myself feel better. Well I eventually found a post in the tag where someone was just being so extremely nasty about genderfluid people. The whole "It's fake!" "It's insulting!" "It's fucking stupid!" sthick ,ya know? Well little Valentine was just as argumentative and defensive as he is now lol You've seen truscum loosing their shit before so I'll spare you the boring details. But the parts that stuck with me was how this guy went on a 5 minute rant about how much his sister being genderfluid and female presenting made him want to take his own life it made him so angry and shit because he thought they were doing it for attention and how, despite having heavy dysphoria, I was just a cis girl that was insecure about my chest. For a little background about me I have extremely chest dysphoria so you can imagine just how much that entire interaction hurt and bothered me. For weeks after I constantly questioned if I was just a cis girl trying to be special and if my very existence was going to make someone suicidal. Not a great time for my mental health.

Obviously I learned I wasn't a genderfluid person and that I'm actually a trans guy and I'm really comfortable with that. It fits it feels right yada yada. My point is while that was right; I'm not a genderfluid person but that interaction did not make me release I was a transman. It slowed that process down. It only served to make me feel bad and question myself MORE. And it still does from time to time. This grown adult bullied and berated a minor. And for what? To make me have some epitphany about my gender or something? To help me along on my journey? No. He only did it because he felt like taking the piss on someone he felt was a freak and not like him.

And I see this same shit ALL THE DAMN TIME. Poor kids just trying to exist comfortably getting harassed and bitched out by adults that think they know everything. It's not useful. It's not helpful. It's not constructive. It's harmful. It's harmful and it makes that kid feel like shit even more than might already do. And these Truscum fuckers seem to ENJOY it. 'Lmao this fake trender' while that "trender'" probably has so much more self doubt in their head now. And we all know what that can lead to.

So transmeds how about you stop pretending to know everything or that you know someone's entire life because you don't. You're just a hateful stranger on the internet with too much time on your hands so you fill it with being nasty and dickish to people you don't like.

And to any non-dysphorics, mogai, people with neropronouns, ngc trans people, nonbinary, agender, genderfluid and people of any age that are still figuring themselves out, you aren't pretending to be special. You ARE special just the way you are. You deserve to be happy and comfortable no matter how you ID. You aren't hurting anyone and you don't owe anyone an explanation or an apology. I love you and I am just so fucking proud of you for being you. For just existing. And someday things will be better just please be there to see it.

[starsgivemehp]

It occurs to me most of you don’t really know my other muses

Not anymore, anyway. Way back when, I had a neat little post with them all. Nowadays... Well, I have so many, it would be a really long post if I tried to describe them all in detail. BUT! I can at least say a few words about each (and link to their blogs, which are all dead, but maybe I can fix that)

SO! Here we go. In order of creation, mostly.

HorrorFELL: @missingmorethanmyskull​

Arum: The Sans. He got the hole in his head some time ago, and now has episodes of forgetting everything/being near catatonic at times. Violent, crude, always starving, and unable to die.

Tox: The Papyrus. Fought long and hard in the war between Undyne and Toriel for the capital (spanning many years). Is now struggling with PTSD and taking care of his brother. Is a sweetie inside. Makes poisons.

Underswap: @kotovinblue​

Legall: The Sans, trans woman. A master of chess, and the Queen’s royal bodyguard. Aware of the constant loop of genocide, pacifist, and neutral timelines their human keeps them in. Fights them in Judgement Hall. Tries to be upbeat, not infantile like fanon likes to make blueberries.

Prise: The Papyrus. Oral fixation, and loves sweets to death. Plays the piano. Very mild seer powers when playing. Also aware of the loops. Steps in to fight in Snowdin, sacrificing himself in genocide timelines. Considers himself a coward.

Fellswap: @abrokenheartdisease​ HEAVY FONTCEST WARNING

Howl: The Sans, an ice king due to a traumatic childhood. Self-confident, ambitious, bordering on megalomanic at times. Has been separated from his brother and wanders AUs searching for him after their world was destroyed.

Daemon: The Papyrus, a sweet, friendly puppy of a man. Has a small inner voice telling him to dust people and gain power. Mostly only Howl or another authoritative figure can help him control it. Draconic appearance when getting violent, and can breathe fire. Searching for his master through the AUs.

DustFELL: @anevendarkerplace​

Chaos: The Sans, female. Wanders the AUs dusting entire timelines. Vain, bitchy, but lonely. Fears her sister hates her for what she’s done, and tries to never be alone. If she is, the ‘ghost’ of her sister berates her for her misdeeds. Wears her sister’s scarf on her forearm.

Harmony: The Papyrus, female, deceased. Is she really a ghost? Or is Chaos a little insane? Who knows...

LustFELL (is it, though? It’s pretty tame): @wanttogetusedbyyou HEAVY FONTCEST WARNING

Jazz (Jasper): The Sans, nonbinary. A prostitute and pole dancer. Kind, laid back, charming. Does not see themself as anything more than a good bedmate and nice person, and declares themself ‘not for love.’ Despite this, loves their brother dearly. Not scientifically inclined, doesn’t teleport around. Has bouts of nihilism and feels their timeline is pointless.

Cad (Cadence): The Papyrus. A member of the Royal Harem, chains and whips and all that. Had his heart broken by the Undyne, now insists love is not worth it. Stoic, serious at first, has a soft side. Loves children. Loves Jazz deeply and dearly.

NOW ALL OF THE MUSES THAT DON’T HAVE BLOGS.

Classic:

Vega: The Sans. Patient soul. A bit overprotective of his brother. A real daddy type. Sleeps a lot.

Solstice: The Papyrus: Integrity soul. Very anxious at times, but optimistic. Can fight pretty well. Can’t cook that well. Pretty typical.

HorrorLust(Fell?)

Laz(arus): The Sans. Head melted in slightly from the Lust getting out of hand. Loves intensely, or not at all. Bitter about how things turned out. Self-appointed leader of Snowdin, trying to keep everyone’s lives intact.

(Ja)Bez: The Papyrus. Horrible experiments during the civil war stretched his body to humongous, spindly proportions. A gentle giant. Was with Undyne, was betrayed by her, hates her now. Takes care of Waterfall and all of the plant life.

Reaper:

Salem: The Sans. Punny, laid-back, but can be vicious when he’s been cheated. Often is incarnated into an Altertale timeline, where he is the ruins caretaker. Everything pumplins.

Anubis: The Papyrus. Not used much.

INK AND ERROR:

Tag: Inkfell!Sans. The creator of all of my characters, he uses spray-paint cans. and a large paint roller. Soulless, artificially feels through his paint. Hates Inks that abandon timelines to decay.

Dox: Errorfell!Sans, the other side of Tag’s coin. They were both made from the same baseline sans before everything went wrong. Severe touch-phobia. Knits puppets to play with. Protective of Tag’s worlds, they work together. Also despises Inks who let worlds decay, and only deletes worlds that cannot be saved.

Another Underfell:

Roxy: The Sans, female. Loves baseball, carries her bat around and hits damn well. Rumored to have fought the King and (kinda) won. Drinks maple syrup. Plays electric guitar.

Rust: The Papyrus, the pitcher in baseball, throws really well. Royal guard member, but still very Papyrus-like.

AlterFELL:

Alka: The Sans ruins caretaker. Meditates a lot, drinks a lot of herbal tea, due to old and severe injuries. Rough around the edges, but protective of anyone who falls. Teaches them to fight, tries to make them stay. Used to be king before his brother took over and he fled.

Scoria: The Papyrus, now king, a horrible tyrant wielding his abusive father’s lava trident.

StoryFELL:

Urban: The Sans, king of the underground. Possessive, yandere, a little insane. Really just lonely and misses his brother a lot. Won’t kill the human... so long as they stay with him.

Memoir: The Papyrus, ruins caretaker. Good lord is he intense and kinda violent. Insists his brother is terrible for killing a human, even though that human had killed others.

Yet another Underfell:

Dirge: The Sans, rough, leather jacket, smokes, is an asshole. Wears a collar. Drinks a lot. High ATK, still 1 HP.

Hearse: The Papyrus, stoic, icy, commanding. Doesn’t talk much. Captain of the guard. A kindness soul, oddly enough.

JESUS WHY DO I HAVE SO MANY UNDERFELLS:

Rav: The Sans, even rougher, high LV, SEVERAL weapons he can pick from and manifest at will. Collects even more. Wears a collar, does whatever his boss says, loves him dearly. Violence, violence, violence. A protective guard and attack dog.

Dess: The Papyrus, I don’t do much with him.

Regular Error:

Pixel: Error!Sans. OCD, loves efficiency and patterns. Don’t touch him. He’s that rich housewife that’ll ogle the pool boy, so long as the pool boy is doing his job efficiently, except the pool boy is an effective killer.

Horrortale:

Guts: The Sans. Highly, highly selectively mute. High-functioning sociopath, probably. Charming, can act either cute or suave with people he likes. Refuses to eat humans. A little gremlin.

Blood: The Papyrus. Don’t use him much.

AND THERE ARE ACTUALLY A FEW MORE THAT I’M JUST NOT PUTTING ON HERE BECAUSE I DON’T USE THEM MUCH.

BUT JESUS THERE YOU GO, THAT’S A LOT OF CHARACTERS. AND THEY’RE ALL PRETTY MUCH FULLY DEVELOPED, NOT JUST OUTLINES. I HAVE A FREAKIN’ SPREADSHEET. SO. YEAH.

I’ll make a post with all the pictures I have too, later.

[unprofessionalartist]

Loving Bravely Lesson 1

Preface: This is, sadly, the most efficient way I can keep track of a journal assignment I have for my class, Love and Heartbreak. Everything I write is going to be extremely personal, so I kindly request you don’t reblog (or do I guess, what am I gonna do, beat your ass?). Lastly, this is not one of my “im sad and this is a cry for help” posts. It’s just self-reflection. You don’t have to worry for my safety. 

Understanding Your Past

My parents started fighting when I turned eight years old. For months, my mom had been coming home later during weekdays, claiming traffic or longer work days (not out of the realm of possibility. She worked an hour and a half away and traffic was consistently awful). In November 2008, my dad found texts on her phone from her boyfriend, Bill. They started fighting and never stopped. Me, my brother (6 at the time) and our baby brother (barely 2) got to listen to the nightly routine of our parent’s screaming matches. In hindsight, their divorce was necessary, and something I’m grateful for. They are both stubborn people who were never good together; indeed, they got married a month before I was born, when they were both 21. However, at the time I had nightmares where they told us they were getting a divorce. It was horrifying. Eventually, when I was 10, cops came and took my dad away. He spent the night in a jail cell, not under arrest, but only because he had nowhere else to go and my mom had ordered a restraining order against him. I’m not putting the details of why, because I don’t know their validity. And, truth be told, I’m too scared to seek that truth out. We didn’t see him for a month, and I cried everyday because I missed him so much. In the years since, many things have happened to further sour the relationship between my parents that will likely come up later. They despise each other. They don’t talk, and they never do. They shunted that responsibility onto me and, if I wasn’t there, my brother. 

My mother’s infidelity is something I typically have on my mind. I would never cheat. I could never. I would sooner shoot myself in the foot than to do that to a person. I think it’s the worst thing you could ever do to someone in a relationship, falling short only of abuse (and given how often cheating slides into abuse, that’s a narrow category). However, I get intense crushes. It doesn’t matter how much I love my girlfriend or how committed I know I am and will be to her; I get intense crushes. I hate it. i hate the feeling of being so infatuated with another despite being completely in love with my girlfriend. I can’t even explain it. You think if you love someone you wouldn’t feel anything for others but I do, and I don’t know why. So, to name it, I saw disloyalty and infidelity in my parents’ marriage. To connect it, I get intense crushes that could lead to disloyalty and infidelity. And I choose to not act on them. I don’t want to be my mother. And I don’t want to hurt anybody. Another thing would likely be the emotional abuse I suffered from my mother. She kidnapped my brothers and I and verbally berated us for a month. We were yelled at for crying, or for trying to tell others. When the court order came to take us back, she stole our phones from us and told us we were betraying her, that we were ungrateful brats. If we loved her, we would see she was doing this for the best. When she found out I had been cutting myself, she told me she was very disappointed, and ignored it. When I wouldn’t eat because of my struggle with anorexia, she gladly took my food and threw it away, because I wasn’t really deserving of it as an ungrateful child. Now, as she has no custody and only gets visitation, the worst she can do is degrade my appearance and yell when we get close to saying she ever did anything wrong. Name: mental and verbal abuse at hands of mother. Connect: I flinch at yelling. I get so scared if someone is more quiet than usual because it means I did something wrong and the yelling will start. I can’t sleep alone (I have to either have a roommate, my dog, or have my girlfriend on call). If there’s any noise, I wake up because I never feel safe. I apologize too much because I think it’ll help lessen the blow when someone inevitably gets mad at me. I see myself as a child because, no matter what, my mother can still utterly eviscerate me. Choice: I don’t know. This one is far less simple. I guess, perhaps, it’s that I do choose to own this, or at least parts. I choose to tell my roommate that this is my past, and it’s why I have trouble sleeping and sometimes cry on the phone. I choose to tell my girlfriend so she knows why I’m not eager for her to befriend my mother and why I always think she’s mad at me. 

I picked three traits from my parents that they share. These are: quick temper, stubborn, and vocal. My parents were both quick to get mad, both too stubborn to admit they were wrong, and both very vocal when someone upset them. Now, to call out my girlfriend, three traits of hers are: quick temper, stubborn, and more reserved. Two of these are in common (and Kate, my love, I mean this all in the most endearing of ways). A quick temper is not inherently toxic. To call anger toxic is dangerous. You need to feel the full range of emotions, even the unpleasant ones, and feeling rage is something I envy. I can’t. I guilt trip myself out of anger because it feels so unpleasant. The stubborn-ness I also envy. Perhaps it’s because my mother was Like That that I don’t hold onto any argument too much. I admire being able to hold firm. However, both this and the quick temper can scare me. I don’t know why I seek it out. Maybe the slight edge of toxicity that can result are so familiar to me I don’t recognize they’re bad? As for being reserved, I mean that you have to coax feelings out. My parents, unprompted, will gladly explain why they hate each other. I find comfort in having the choice to seek it out. However, it is unhealthy for me to run away from what she is feeling. I don’t know. Now, for three things I appreciated in my home: I felt loved growing up, I never wanted for anything, and there was very little prejudice. The abuse started once I hit late middle school. When I was younger though, my mom was loving. This is the hardest thing to reconcile. I remember my mom caring. I don’t know what happened. But I’m grateful I had that, despite how short it was. Moving onto the second, my family was poor. Even now we’re poor. But growing up, we never felt it. We had enough to eat, the heat was always on. Sometimes the ac broke, but then we’d go to the community pool! To lessen electricity costs, we’d play outside! Sometimes our grandparents took us on really fun trips to beaches or amusement parks or baseball games. My parents did a great job raising us fiscally speaking. Looking back, it’s clear we struggled. But they didn’t ever let us see it. Lastly, my parents are both accepting to a degree. While I know being nonbinary would never fly, I had no fear coming out as bisexual. And my parents shut down racism and other prejudice whenever they heard it. I truly appreciate that. For things I resent: lack of communication, inability to deal with mental health, and inability to move forward. My parents, and my brothers and I, struggle to communicate. I love them all so dearly but I don’t know what to say. I feel that, when they were fighting, we grew so used to saying quiet we never quite learned how to speak back up. Next, I already went over my mother’s reaction to self harm and eating disorders, but there’s other little things. We were court ordered therapy after being kidnapped, but we never went because my dad believed we didn’t need it. Just last semester I used my campus’s strapped mental health services to get some bit of closure (shoutout to lauren for being a g). Finally, I feel we are all stuck in the past. We are all stuck in the divorce or in St. Louis, where my mother took us. We don’t know how to move forward, and it hurts.