#in my world kevin and jean eventually become friends again

[mangosane]

can we talk about the fact that after jean goes pro he doesn’t even attempt to make it to US Court and so he never qualifies for it. this is like the biggest ‘fuck you’ to riko LOL but also kevin and jean truly never play on the same team again

[pwilzfan73]

True story behind The Conjuring 3 – inside Arne Cheyenne Johnson’s “the devil made me do it” court case

The latest instalment in The Conjuring franchise once again has its roots in a real-life case.

By Patrick Cremona, Radio Times. UK.

Published: Friday, 21st May 2021 at 2:56 pm

The Conjuring 3 takes its title from a real-life court case that dates back to the 1980s. The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It takes a look at the case and the Warrens’ involvement in the case that originated the phrase “the devil made me do it”.

Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga return as paranormal investigators Ed and Lorraine Warren for the next instalment in The Conjuring horror franchise, with the new movie heading to UK cinemas on 28th May 2021.

As with the previous movies in the franchise, The Conjuring 3 is taken from a real case file with reported connections to the supernatural. Previously we’ve seen spin-off movies focused on the Annabelle doll, also inspired by the Warrens who keep it in their occult museum.

Vera Farmiga and Patrick Wilson as Lorraine and Ed Warren. Warner Bros Pictures.

The case in question this time around is the trial of Arne Cheyenne Johnson, a man who was convicted of manslaughter in Connecticut in 1981 – becoming the first person to have claimed a defence of demonic possession during a murder trial.

The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It true story

The Conjuring 3 is inspired by the trial of 19-year-old Arne Cheyenne Johnson, who was charged with murdering his landlord Alan Bono in February 1981. During the trial, the defendant gained infamy for becoming the first person to claim a defence of demonic possession in a United States court – although perhaps unsurprisingly this version of events was not accepted by the judge.

His defence rested on testimony given by the family of his fiancée, Debbie Glatzel. Debbie’s 11-year-old brother had reportedly been the subject of demonic possession in the months prior to the murder, with his parents having grown increasingly worried by a number of unexplained and ominous events.

The story really starts in July 1980, when the 11-year-old David Glatzel was helping Johnson clean up a Connecticut rental property he was prepping to move so he could move in.

While there David claimed to have come across a “burnt and black-looking” old man who he claims pushed him into a waterbed saying he would bring them harm if they moved into the house.

When David returned home he continued to see the old man. He described him as having a white beard, wearing jeans and a flannel shirt. David claimed the man’s skin was charred as if he’d been burnt too. The young boy experienced night terrors and woke up with bruises and scratches on his body. He’d wake screaming and tell his parents he’d seen the sunken features of the old man “like an animal”, with horns, pointy hears and jagged teeth (via People). (The Conjuring 3 demon appears to have gone a different route, with early photos showing a white masked man wearing a striped red long coat.)

The family said they also had heard unexplained noises coming from their attic.

In trying to get to the bottom of the issue they had called in Ed and Lorraine Warren – who by this point were already well-known paranormal experts – to diagnose and cure their son.

Ed Warren said he heard banging and growling sounds coming from their basement, and that he also say a rocking chair move on its own. Speaking to paranormal researcher Tony Spera, Ed claimed David’s toy dinosaur also walked on its own towards the family. He also said a deep voice spoke to them saying: “Beware, you’re all going to die.”

Lorraine also claimed she saw a black mist appear next to David while her husband interviewed him. “While Ed interviewed the boy, I saw a black, misty form next to him, which told me we were dealing with something of a negative nature. Soon the child was complaining that invisible hands were choking him—and there were red marks on him. He said that he had the feeling of being hit,” she told People magazine.

David’s mother Judy had previously claimed it was a ghost, but the Warrens rejected this idea saying it was an indicator of a demon.

Lorraine also claimed she saw David being choked by invisible hands and he told her “he had the feeling he was being hit”. She told People that she could see red marks afterwards and she heard him growl and hiss. Lorraine also claimed he spoke in unrecognisable voices, that he recited passages of the Bible as well as Paradise Lost. Debbie Glatzel also claimed he spit, bit, kicked and swore at her and he flopped around “head to toe like a ragdoll”.

She also told the Chippewa Herald Telegram that “he manifested. Just a face on the wall. High cheekbones. A narrow chin. A thin nose. Big black eyes hidden in dark holes. He showed his teeth.”

Ed Warren also told The Washington Post: “Right away, I knew there was something to this. I felt like a good fisherman when he knows there���s something on the line.” He added that he thought there were 43 demons inside the boy, and David named them all.

David Glatzel’s exorcism

In the movie, Father Gordon (Steve Coulter) blesses the home. The priest’s name was changed for the movie, but a Roman Catholic priest did visit the home to bless it.

After continued efforts from the Warrens, the Glatzels, and multiple priests (including Rev Francis E.Virgulak) a formal exorcism took place, with witnesses claiming that a demon fled the child’s body.

Ed Warren claimed Arne, who was present at the exorcism, shouted: “Take me on, leave my little buddy alone!”

Apparently, David showed signs of improving, but Arne started to deteriorate. TV series A Haunting covered the case in the episode Where Demons Dwell, claiming that the demon took control of Johnson’s car forcing it into a tree. While he was uninjured, he was shaken by the experience. The series also blamed a demon when Johnson fell from a tree while working.

Judy told The Washington Post she paid $75 an hour for a session with a local psychiatrist too, but it was up to church officials to set up and pay for further psychological testing (via Newsweek). David’s parents were told he was “normal” but had a “minimal learning disability”.

Alan Bono’s murder

Clearly not content with its newfound freedom, though, the story goes that the spirit then immediately took control of Johnson and it was under his control that the murder of the landlord took place several months later.

Johnson and Debbie Glatzel decided against renting the original home, and instead rented a small house near Debbie’s work. Debbie was working a dog groomer for the landlord, Alan Bono, 40, who was also the kennel manager.

Bono, who has been renamed in the movie as Bruno Sauls, lived in an apartment above the kennels.

On the day of the murder, Johnson had taken the day off work and spent the day with Debbie, 26, at the kennel. Along with some other companions, Debbie, Johnson and Bono had lunch at a local restaurant and enjoyed a few drinks, becoming drunk in the process, and when they later returned to the kennel a heated fight broke out with Bono becoming increasingly agitated.

During this argument, Bono seized Debbie’s nine-year-old cousin Mary, who had also been present, and refused to let her go – which then led Johnson to confront him and eventually stab him repeatedly with a five-inch pocket knife, all while growling like an animal. Bono suffered “four or five tremendous wounds” mainly to his chest area.

Bono died several hours later and Johnson was later arrested roughly two miles away from the murder. The murder is believed to be the first murder in Brookfield, Connecticut’s 193-year history, and the first in the 30 years since the town had police records.

The next day, Lorraine Warren immediately claimed that it was a case of demonic possession, which naturally led to much media coverage around the world.

Ed and Lorraine Warren

Ed and Lorraine Warren arrive at Danbury Superior Court - Getty

Arne Johnson’s Trial

Johnson’s trial began on 28th October 1981 at Connecticut’s Superior Court in Danbury.

Johnson’s lawyer Martin Minnella attempted to enter a plea of “not guilty” due to demonic possession stating Johnson “was possessed by a demon, and it was a demon who actually manipulated his body.” It was the first known court case in US history that had attempted this defence.

Minnella, speaking about the case and the fame that followed, said: “The courts have dealt with the existence of God. Now they’re going to have to deal with the existence of the Devil.” (via the New York Times).

However, the plea of not guilty due to demonic possession was immediately thrown out by presiding judge Robert Callahan who said that it would be “irrelative and unscientific” to allow testimony on these grounds, and so despite the ensuing media attention the jury was not legally allowed to consider demonic possession.

Johnson’s defence claimed that he hadn’t been the same after Glatzel’s exorcism, and witnesses were called upon saying they saw a demon transfer from Glatzel to Johnson. Debbie Glatzel also testified that Johnson behaved similarly to Glatzel. Ed Warren claimed Johnson had made a “fatal mistake” by taunting the alleged demon.

Debbie claimed Johnson had come to Bono’s apartment to repair a stereo for him, but that Bono had been drinking red wine and the pair got into an argument about payment for the repair. She also said Johnson was in a trance when he stabbed Bono.

According to reports, in the three months Debbie and Johnson had lived next to Bono they had been friends. The police believed that Bono and Debbie’s relationship was more than boss and employee, but Debbie denied this despite the police claiming the argument was over her rather than the stereo. The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It does take this angle into the story, exploring the ‘jealous lover’ plot, which was also shown in the 1983 movie The Demon Murder Case (starring Kevin Bacon).

L-R Patrick Wilson (Ed Warren), Sarah Catherine Hook (Debbie Glatzel) and Vera Farmiga (Lorraine Warren) in New Line Cinema’s ‘The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It.

After the jury deliberated for more than three days, Johnson was convicted of first-degree manslaughter on 24th November 1981 and was sentenced to between 10 and 20 years in prison. He was released in 1986 having only served five years of his sentence.

Even though demonic possession was not actually allowed as a legitimate defence in the trial, the case became colloquially known as “the Devil made me do it case” – hence the subtitle of this film.

Where are the Glatzels and Johnson now?

Johnson married Debbie Glatzel while he was in prison. He also got his high school diploma while inside. The pair went on to have two children.

Lorraine Warren went on to write the book The Devil in Connecticut with Gerald Brittle detailing the case, and they shared the profits from the sales with the Glatzel family. David’s brother Carl Glatzel did speak out against the book when it was republished in 2006 saying it was a “complete lie” and that “the Warrens concocted a phoney story about demons in an attempt to get rich and famous at our expense.”

Carl claimed the Warrens told the family they’d be millionaires – it was later confirmed they were paid $2,000. Carl also says David was suffering with his mental health at the time, but he recovered. In 2007, David and Carl filed a lawsuit against Brittle and the Warrens for unspecified financial damages. They sued the authors and publishers for violating their privacy, libel and “intentional infliction of emotional distress.”

Brittle claims his book is based on fact and he interviewed the Glatzel family for more than 100 hours, which he has video of. Lorraine Warren also said the six priests who performed exorcisms on Glatzel agreed that he was possessed.

Debbie Glatzel and Arne Johnson have always backed the account of the possession, but David’s father denies his son was possessed.

How the movie tackles such a complicated case and how closely they stick to the real life events remains to be seen.

The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It is released in cinemas on 4th June, 2021 on HBO Max and 28th May in the UK.

[nugnthopkns]

don’t say you miss me

word count: 5.5k

warnings: explicit!fem reader, references to sex but nothing explicit, cursing, recreational drug use (marijuana), alcohol consumption, there is no happy ending

recommended listening: overnight | maggie rogers

series masterpost: here

a/n: second installment of hiiapl! little overnight inspired ditty that i’m actually pretty proud of. i’m having so much fun with this it’s insane

You had never meant to get attached.

It was a lot easier said than done – especially with Kevin. He was loud and obnoxious, sure, but it was part of his charm. When you first met him, outside a club in downtown Winnipeg, you were blown away by his duality. He had been so loud with his group but quietly brought you a bottle of water after you puked on the sidewalk. After insisting you take his number so you could let him know you got home safely, Kevin convinced you to go to dinner with him. One meal turned into several and before you knew it you were engaged in a casual fling with the Winnipeg Jets’ newest centre. It was mostly sex, with the ocasional interaction outside of the bedroom, but something about Kevin made it feel like more than just a hookup. Over the few months you slept together your feelings shifted, and you began to harbour a rather large crush.

Just when you were going to take the leap and talk to Kevin about getting serious fate reared its ugly head. After only being in Winnipeg for six months, electing to not return to Massechusettes right away after the Jets playoff run finished, Kevin was traded out of the city. The news split your heart in two – there was no way the two of you could become a couple. Though long distance could have been an option, you weren’t going to ask him to commit to that. Being a professional athlete is tough as is, and having a girlfriend a six hour flight away was extra stress you refused to put on Kevin. 

The last night you spent with Kevin was emotional. Lots of tears were shed, mostly from you. You knew he was compartmentalizing it all and trying to not let you know how much the trade was affecting him. Whenever the two of you had talked about hockey, Kevin was always quick to mention how much he loved Winnipeg and how much he wanted to stay. Neither of you talked much, too focussed on wallowing in sadness and committing each other’s bodies to memory. He left the next morning, and there was a silent agreement that whatever the two of you had was over. It was fun while it lasted but now you both have to be adults and get on with life. 

☼☼☼☼

Nearly six months later you consider yourself to be getting on with life just fine. You’ve got a better paying job, a new apartment, and enthusiastically throw yourself into any project that’s presented. To others, however, you’re barely hanging on. Any time you get a text notification, you hold your breath until a name flashes that isn’t Kevin’s. A notification from Instagram saying he viewed your story makes your heart beat three times as fast. You constantly check for updates on how he’s playing, and watch as many Flyers games media blackouts will allow just to catch a glimpse of his face. No matter how hard you try, you just can’t shake Kevin Hayes. 

“They’ll be in town this weekend,” your best friend Rachel says. “Are you gonna reach out to him?”

You nearly drop the carton of chinese food you’re eating on the floor. “I didn’t know that,” you stammer, trying to make your surprise believable. Kevin will be back in Winnipeg for the first time since being traded. You knew this already, of course, because you have the Flyers scheduled imprinted in your memory.

She narrows her eyes at you. “Don’t fucking lie to me. You knew they were coming to town. The NHL app stays open on your phone at all times.”

Caught in your lie, you can do nothing but duck your head. You’ve thought a lot about what you’re going to do. Should you send him a text, let him know you’re available after the game? Or should you ignore him completely and make it seem as though you’re doing much better than you are?

“I don’t know Rach. I’ve never had a sort of ex come back to the city he left me in.”

“He didn’t necessarily want to leave you,” Rachel points out. “He got traded. If you want my two cents, I don’t think you should give him a call. You need to move on, not stay stuck in the past.”

Your friend is right, and you know that’s what you should do. Moving on from Kevin would be easier if you didn’t try to contact him. He hasn’t reached out to you so you assume you’re the only one in the relationship still struggling to come to terms with his departure. You struggle with the decision until puck drop, but ultimately decide against texting him. It simply wouldn’t be beneficial for your fragile heart. 

A small group of friends has gathered at Rachel’s to watch the game. You’re lucky, or unlucky, to run with a crowd of die-hard Jets fans who get together any time they play, whether it’s at someone’s house or a sports bar around the corner from the arena. Though you tried your best to get out of it tonight, making up any excuse you can think of to stay at home and sob quietly into a pillow, Rachel knows better than to let you be alone and forces you to be in attendance. 

It’s a pretty quiet game with the Jets dominating the first two periods. The Flyers are sluggish, not connecting passes and taking far too many penalties. You’re pretty sure Winnipeg has it in the bag when the puck drops for the final twenty minutes of play, so you turn your attention away from the television, picking up a conversation with Christina, the girl your friend Tyler brought along. 

Some choice words must have been said to the Flyers in the intermission because they come out swinging. Before you can comprehend what’s happening, they’ve tied the game. The period is full of contact, with multiple players from each team spending time in the penalty box. Your attention is once again returned to the large screen for the final few minutes, and your jaw drops as you watch Kevin dangle through the Jets defence to sink the puck into the back of the net. It turns out to be the game winning goal, and you sit in silence as your friends pay up the money they lost in bets and check their updated fantasy pool standings. Maybe you should text him. 

“Don’t fucking do it,” you hear Rachel whisper in your ear. Your other friends know of your past with Kevin, they were around and spent some time with him, but they don’t know how much you were still holding on. Everyone besides Rachel assumes you’re alright – that Kevin is just a blip in your past. 

You roll your eyes and sigh, but tuck your phone back into the pocket of your jeans. It stays there – out of sight, out of mind – until it buzzes some time later. Expecting it to be your mother hounding you for not calling in a while, you pull it out. A message from Kevin flashes and you go whiter than a ghost. 

Taking the boys out celebrating the big win. You in? 

The words, so casual, feel like a punch to the stomach. Why the months of radio silence just to ask to see him like you’re friends? Making sure that no one is paying attention to you, you quickly type out a reply. 

That’s not a good idea and you know it Kevin. 

You send the message and immediately turn off your phone. This way you won’t have to deal with the aftermath until much later. You allow other things to hold your attention and don’t head home until you’re so tired that it will be impossible for you to think about Kevin’s text. 

When you power your phone back up in the morning, you’re shocked to find that Kevin never responded. He obviously didn’t care too much about your absence, and part of you wonders if he was just being polite. It doesn’t make sense, but instead of letting your brain overthink the lack of response you throw yourself headfirst into cleaning your apartment. Hours later it’s spotless, and you slump onto the couch in a pile of exhaustion. You check your social media notifications, a few mentions from your friends about the shenanigans you all got up to the night before and your sister tagging you in a post letting you know she’d like to visit a specific beach the next time she comes to visit. Kevin’s profile photo sits at the top of your instagram feed, and before you can stop yourself you click to view his story. 

It’s a snapshot of his teammates with bright smiles on their faces. Each of them is holding a can of beer, and a few look as though they shared a joint before entering the establishment. The photo is captioned ‘glad to be back in winterpeg’ and is accompanied by a couple of snowflake emojis. Your heart clenches inside your chest – it hurts more than you thought it would to see him enjoying himself as though he has no bittersweet feelings about being back. It would be beneficial to unfollow Kevin, but you can’t force yourself to pull the metaphorical trigger and completely cut him from your life. 

Kevin leaves the next day for Vancouver. You know this because you watch his story yet again, and curse yourself for grasping at straws. Why must he have such a strong hold on you after so long? A call to Rachel has her driving to your place in minutes, ready to hold you while you cry and distract you from the pain that still lingers from his first departure.

☼☼☼☼

It’s easier to forget Kevin without him being in the city – you do your best, and eventually it sort of sticks.

He no longer crosses your mind every few days. You go weeks, sometimes a month or two, without thinking about him. It’s nice to no longer get sad when you enter a bar you frequented with him or wince when someone mentions how he’s playing. It also helps that he never returns to Winnipeg. 

There’s no reason for him to. The Flyers don’t play another away game against the Jets the rest of season, and as far as you know he doesn’t frequently talk to his old teammates. Your life fades into a quiet routine you come to love dearly. The world feels balanced for the first time since Kevin left and you’re nothing but thankful. 

Life moves on, and you find yourself succeeding in your career – so much so that you’re quickly offered a promotion. The change increases your workload and doesn’t leave you much of a life outside of work, but it doesn’t matter much to you. It’s a welcome distraction and keeps thoughts of Kevin out of your mind. No one comments on your genuine improvement, but you know they can see it. Rachel is proud, and she’s told you exactly once. It’s all you’ll get out of her so you take it and roll with it. The rest of the regular season passes without you so much as knowing, or caring, and before you know it there’s a notification for an article saying the Flyers were eliminated in the second round. For the first time you find it really hard to care.

☼☼☼☼

Summers in Winnipeg are your favourite. The city is warm for the first time all year and the flowers look beautiful in full bloom. With the promotion you’re afforded more vacation time, which you plan to take full advantage. There’s nothing you love more than hanging with friends in the sun, soaking up the rays, and casually drinking. 

The days bleed into one another in the way that all good summers should, and before you realize it it’s your last day at work for a week. It will be nice to be free from workplace constraints for a while, and your friends have the time off as well. The group of you are heading to a cabin on Falcon Lake where you’re sure lots of partying will take place. You suggested getting farther away, but settled on the area in case Tyler’s sister goes into labour. He’s a very family oriented person and offered to watch his nephew when the time comes. 

Four o’clock comes faster than you ever could have imagined, and you cheerfully wave goodbye to your co-workers. Some complain of your ability to leave during the busiest season of the year, but most of them wish you well. You put an immense amount of work into your job regardless of the quarter and know you deserve the break. If you don’t stop at the grocery store on your way you’ll be in trouble since you’re in charge of all the breakfasts and you currently only have a half-eaten loaf of bread that could go stale any day. 

You’re in the cereal aisle, deciding whether or not you really need Honey Nut Cheerios for the trip, when you hear his unforgettable voice. It’s loud and booming and brings back so many feelings that you’ve learned to repress that you turn on your heel and head to the nearest self checkout despite only gathering half the items on your list.

Back in your car, you dial Rachel’s number and try to regulate your breathing. 

“Hello?”

You don’t bother with any formalities. “Kevin is here.”

“In Winnipeg?” she asks, more than a tad confused. “Why would he be in Winnipeg?”

The interior of the Ford Escape you drive feels too small, so you crack a window and peel out of the parking space. Rachel’s voice reverberates throughout the car thanks to the bluetooth system. “I don’t fucking know, but he’s here.”

“I don’t think that’s possible Y/N,” Rachel says, always the realist. “He lives in Boston. What would he be doing in Winnipeg in the middle of July?”

You aren’t sure, and make sure to tell her so. “But it was him,” you swear. “He was in the grocery store.” You stop at a red light, placing your blinker on and checking both ways before turning right. A few more minutes and you’d be safely tucked away in your apartment, away from the world and the possibility of running into Kevin.

“There’s like a hundred tall gingers in the city babe, you didn’t see him.”

“You’re right, I didn’t see him,” you agree. “I heard him. How many tall gingers are there in Winnipeg with Boston accents?”

“Oh fuck. I’m coming over.” With that, Rachel hangs up, and you pull into the parking garage. You sit in silence for a minute or two before deciding your shaking legs can hold you upright. Perhaps you weren’t as over Kevin as you thought. 

Rachel spends the rest of the afternoon and evening with you, ensuring you don’t do anything stupid and letting you spew all your feelings, both good and bad. More than one bottle of wine is consumed, but you have more than enough time to nurse a hangover. If you play your cards right through the week this won’t be the only time you do it either. 

You wake up on top of your pristine sheets, Rachel grumbling beside you – she’s never been as good at holding her alcohol.

“What time is it?”

The alarm clock on your bedside table flashes a few numbers and you have to stare at them for a minute before you comprehend them. “Just after eight,” you say, sitting up. Surprisingly, you feel fine. Maybe the crippling weight of your feelings for Kevin cancels out the hangover you most definitely should be feeling. 

“We need to get going. Gotta pack the car and hit the road. I’m the one who needs to get the keys so we have to be there before everyone else,” she sighs, grumbling something else under her breath as her feet hit the floor. 

You just laugh at her and head into the kitchen. While Rachel showers you make coffee and pack the food into the ancient cooler your father gave you when you moved out many moons ago. It has served its purpose on several trips like this – you’ll be sad to see it go eventually. You switch places with Rachel, and once you’re feeling refreshed the two of you stuff your trunk and hit the road. 

The drive is rather uneventful, with the both of you sitting in silence, and it doesn’t take you long to approach your destination. Rachel is a poor navigator so you’re tasked with figuring out where you’re going and making sure you get there, but it could be worse. You have a general sense of where you’re going. Getting the keys is painless and you get to work unpacking your overloaded SUV.

“Do you think there will be other people around we can party with?” Rachel asks as you close the trunk for the last time. 

You shrug. “Don’t know Rach. It doesn’t look like it.”

She drops it, agreeing with you, and you separate to unpack your personal belongings. The cabin is large enough that no one has to share a room, which you’re grateful for. Though you love your friends dearly, they don’t always know what personal space is. At some point in the afternoon the rest of the group trickles in, and by dinner you’ve all settled and are ready to party. 

Tyler figures out how to use the ancient barbeque and sets to work cooking the burgers. Everyone else gets side dishes ready or sets the table, with Christine starting a bonfire. You don’t know her well, only having met her a few times, but your friend seems to be infatuated with her. She fits in great with the group so you aren’t worried about any awkward tension. Dinner passes in a fit of giggles and shouts, and once the dishes are done you can relax fully. 

The beer you grab from the fridge on your way out the door makes your insides fuzzy in the best way possible. By the fire, surrounded by those who care about you the most, you feel at peace. You’re yet to think about the sudden reappearance of Kevin in Winnipeg, and you’d like to keep it that way. Someone grabs the beat up acoustic guitar you found in the living room and thrusts it in your direction. You’d taught yourself to play in college, and it comes in handy for times like this. 

“I refuse to play Wonderwall,” you laugh, shooting pointed looks at each and every person sitting around you. 

“Come on Y/N,” Rachel groans. “Just once?”

“Fuck off.”

You don’t mean it, of course, and strum the opening chords with a grimace on your face. Tyler counts everyone in and they sing for you, which is appreciated. You might be decent at playing, but your singing voice is one that shouldn’t see the light of day if it can be helped. It’s more fun than you imagined it could be so one song turns into three, and before you know it your makeshift jamboree attracts the attention of the neighbours you didn’t know existed. 

Applause erupts from behind you, and you flush enough that your cheeks warm significantly. “You guys are so good I hate to disrupt the rhythm,” a deep voice says, “But do you mind if a buddy and I join you? We’re a little lonely by ourselves next door.”

Tyler’s out of his seat in a heartbeat, jumping up to pat the man on the back. “Of course man, come on over! I’m Tyler, and that’s Rachel, Christine, Marshall, and Y/N.”

You all wave politely, and the mystery guest introduces himself. “Nice you meet you guys. I’m Nolan.”

It’s then you get a good look at who you’re speaking to. He seems to be a few years younger than you, maybe early twenties, and he has a face you just can’t place. Maybe you’ve seen him around Winnipeg – the city is small enough that you can often spot the same faces in a crowd. “I’ll just yell at him to come over and we can get the party started,” Nolan explains, “Kev, bud, come on over! And bring a couple beers.”

All the blood rushes from your fingers at the name. You shake them intensely, willing your circulatory system to function properly again. If you had to hazard a guess there’s probably a million people in Manitoba named Kevin. There’s no reason for it to be Kevin Hayes. You’re most certainly still spooked from your near encounter with him yesterday. 

“Fuck Patty, you couldn’t come back and grab your own?” the emerging figure grumbles in the vocal stylings you’ll have imprinted on your heart until your dying day. Kevin is here, and if you don’t leave in the next few seconds you’ll be face to face with him for the first time in over a year. 

You stand abruptly, not stopping to explain your hasty exit to anyone, and practically run into the house. The door slams behind you and you do your best to make your heart rate return to normal. Tyler shouts something you can’t quite comprehend, but you know it’s probably some sort of reconnection greeting. He’d met Kevin a couple of times while the two of you were together and had gotten along with him well. 

“Hey,” Rachel whispers, “You good?”

You hadn’t heard her come in. “Not really,” you admit. “I mean like I knew he was in town but never in a million years did I think he’d crash my fucking vacation.”

She nods in agreement. “What do you want to do?”

“Stay in here forever?” An eye roll is sent your way but you choose to ignore it. “I’m serious Rach, I can’t go back out there, at least not tonight. Every time I think I’m over him he finds a way to make me realize I’m just faking.”

“I know,” Rachel says simply. She really does – as your best friend she’s privy to your every thought on the matter. After making sure that you'll be okay she heads back outside, armed with an excuse for your early departure. 

You spend the rest of the night tucked under the covers, listening to the laughter of your friends outside, no doubt in your mind that Kevin is the source for most of it. He’s always been good at commanding an audience. Thoughts swim freely in your brain, most of them occupied by Kevin in some capacity. Was tonight just a one off? Will you have to eventually face him? What will you say? Eventually sleep comes, though it’s fitful and fleeting. 

☼☼☼☼

You do your best to avoid Kevin, and it works for a day or two. Tyler has stricken up a friendship with the athlete, and spends more time with him and Nolan than your group. You don’t mind all that much because they typically are out on Nolan’s boat or lounging in their cabin, but every night the group reconvenes at your firepit. The excuses are starting to run out – there’s only so many times you can say you have heat exhaustion before someone stops believing you.

“Y/N, Kevin hasn’t even mentioned you,” Tyler whines one night after dinner. “It won’t be awkward. We only have a few days left, please spend time with us?”

“I’m spending plenty of time with you,” you grumble. “You promise he won’t say anything?”

Tyler shoots you a smile that lets you know he knows that he’s broken down your resolve. “Why would he? If he was going to do it he would have already.”

You aren’t sure if that makes you feel better or worse. You’re glad he’s faring better than you, but on the other hand you wish he’d at least make an effort to inquire into your well-being. Maybe it was simply proof that you were still holding onto something that didn’t mean much of anything. Eventually you’d have to face the music, whether it be with Kevin or someone in the future, so you make the decision to try and at least get used to seeing former flames in social settings. 

“You’re rolling my joints tonight asshole,” you grumble, shoving your sock clad feet into a pair of worn out sandals. 

There’s a small commotion, mostly in excitement at your begrudging agreement, and you roll your eyes as you grab what is destined to be your first of many beers from the fridge. Rachel slides up beside you on the way out the door and squeezes your hand, letting you know she’s ready to support you no matter what happens. It’s comforting, and the nerves in your stomach settle a small amount. 

Marshall is already outside, helping Nolan start the fire. They seem to be extremely similar and you’re glad they can seek each other out when the rest of the group gets too rambunctious. The rest of your party filters out of the house and takes up residence in the adirondack chairs. Kevin doesn’t appear to be around, so you allow yourself to speak freely, loud and unabashed. 

“No I’m telling you,” you insist, trying to convince Nolan your stance on Jack Antonoff is correct. “Jack is literally responsible for reinventing pop production.”

He laughs at how into the conversation you are. “Why the fuck should I care?”

“Because you fucking listen to Lorde!” 

Someone else is laughing along with you and it nearly stops you in your tracks. At some point Kevin had joined the party, but you hadn’t noticed. Knowing that he was listening makes you suddenly self conscious, and you wrap your sweater tighter around your shoulders. Nolan can tell you’re uncomfortable and does his best to relieve the tension. 

“Kev, do you wanna run back and grab the weed?” he asks. 

The auburn haired man pulls a baggie out of his hoodie pocket. “Got it right here baby cat,” he grins. “And it’s ready to go. You got a light?”

Nolan tosses him the lighter and Kevin expertly puts the joint between his parted lips. He lets the smoke fill his lungs before exhaling, and you watch him more intently than you should. You’re thrown back to the memories of Kevin’s apartment downtown, where you’d smoke in content silence after a night of passionate sex. The scenes flash in your mind and you’re overcome with melancholia. You had been so happy in the moment, and now you’re in a similar situation but feel nothing. Other than sharing in your laughter, Kevin is yet to say anything to you. 

You must have been lost in your thoughts, because Kevin is staring at you with a quizzical expression. “Y/N? Do you want a hit?”

It takes you a second to snap out of your daze, but to cautiously take the lit joint from his hand. “Thank you Kevin,” you say, voice timid. It’s the first time you’ve spoken to him since he left Winnipeg for the first time. 

He shoots you a dazzling smile and your insides threaten to turn to mush. No matter how hard you’ve tried to convince yourself you over him, that you’ve moved on from Kevin, you know you’re wrong. Kevin Hayes will have some sort of hold on you until you die. To distract yourself from the overwhelming amount of emotion you inhale deeply, hoping that the buzz smoking will bring can clear your mind. You really don’t want to think about what you lost when he’s right in front of you. 

The three of you sit in silence, passing the joint in a circle, and listen to the conversation your friends are engaged in. Marshall ropes Nolan into a game of cornhole and he goes begrudgingly. As he stands he sends you a sympathetic look, and you know that he’s familiar with your history with Kevin. It doesn’t surprise you – Kevin isn’t exactly one to keep secrets. 

“So,” Kevin says once it’s just the two of you, “How have you been?”

You do your best to swallow the lump in your throat. “I’ve been good. Work has been crazy lately, so this break has been really nice.”

He presses, and you indulge him in a conversation about your new job, though it can barely be considered that now. Everything is surface level – you’re afraid of letting Kevin in too much. Though your fling may have been brief, it didn’t make his departure or the lack of contact any easier. He tells you about his life in Philadelphia and how much he loves it there. Before you can stop yourself, you ask him a loaded question. 

“Do you like it more than Winnipeg?”

Kevin falters. It takes both of you a moment to process what you said. Not one to lie, he answers truthfully. “Yeah.” It comes out in a sort of deflated sigh. “But I miss –”

“Don’t say it,” you rush, trying hard to keep your voice down. “You don’t mean it.”

An embittered huff comes from him, and you watch carefully as he peels the worn ball cap off his head and tugs on his curls. “I do,” he insists. “I absolutely miss you.”

You no longer care who can hear you. “If you missed me, you would have texted. Called. Anything,” you say cooly. Everyone else has clued in to the fact that something is going on between you and Kevin, and have migrated inside in an attempt to give you privacy.

“I did. You’re the one who said it wasn’t a good idea to see each other again.”

“Because it had been over half a year!” you shriek. “And it had been radio silence before then. You left Kevin, and I’m not blaming you. I know it’s your job. But you left and it was so fucking hard, and it stung because you didn’t even try. So when you hit me up after that game I knew I had to say no. Because no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, I’m still so in love with you that if you asked I’d uproot my life and follow you to Philly. I don’t want to be that girl.”

The outburst leaves you gasping for breath. Never before had you spilled heartache so fast – with a sort of reckless abandon. Anytime you’ve had these types of conversations you’ve been calm and collected. You’re currently the farthest thing from it. 

Kevin’s expression softens, and a sadness fills his eyes. “I was scared,” he begins, “Because for the first time in my life I was with someone I could see spending the rest of my life with. Sure, we weren’t serious, but I was going to take it there. Then I got traded and the plans I had went to shit and I was too scared to do anything about it. So I let you slip away.”

Silence fills the space between you. You don’t know what to say, so you focus on unraveling the loose thread from the hem of your cardigan. Kevin shuffles in his seat awkwardly. “Where do we, uh, go from here?”

The question shocks you. To the best of your understanding, you had made it perfectly clear where your relationship was headed. “Nowhere,” you breathe. “You head back to Philly, meet another girl, and fall in love. I stay here, do my job, and learn to be content with myself.”

“There’s no room for us in your little plan?”

“We’ve run our course Kev. As much as I still love you, will always love you, we’re too fundamentally different for us both to really be happy in a relationship. You have to know that.”

He nods. “I do.” With that, Kevin rises from the chair, gives you a sad smile, and leaves. You assume he’s calling it a night, and you wish to do the same. Finally having that conversation was exhausting and all you want to do is sleep for the next twelve hours. 

☼☼☼☼

The rest of the trip passes without you seeing Kevin again. He and Nolan left early the morning after your conversation, and you do your best to enjoy yourself. Part of your brain makes you believe you’re the reason they left, though Tyler tells you otherwise. No one asks about what happened between you two, not even Rachel, and you return to the city determined to start anew. Eventually you break the cycle of obsessing over Kevin’s stats, and take it upon yourself to unfollow him on social media. Life goes on. 

Things never really get easier. You still find yourself grieving the loss of Kevin, late at night when you can’t sleep, but are confident in your decision to say goodbye for good. Time heals everything, and eventually you’ll be okay. 

☼☼☼☼

taglist: @jamiedrysdales​ @kiedhara​ @tortito​ @boqvistsbabe​ @iwantahockeyhimbo​ if you want to be added just shoot me an ask :)

[sankyeom]

𝚋𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚔 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚛𝚞𝚕𝚎𝚜 // 𝚝𝚠𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚢-𝚘𝚗𝚎

𝚙𝚊𝚒𝚛𝚒𝚗𝚐: 𝚋𝚛𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛’𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍!𝚜𝚞𝚗𝚠𝚘𝚘 𝚡 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚍𝚎𝚛

𝚐𝚎𝚗𝚛𝚎: 𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚖𝚒𝚎𝚜 𝚝𝚘 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚜, 𝚌𝚘𝚕𝚕𝚎𝚐𝚎 𝚊𝚞

𝚜𝚢𝚗𝚘𝚙𝚜𝚒𝚜: 𝚒𝚗 𝚠𝚑𝚒𝚌𝚑 𝚗𝚘𝚋𝚘𝚍𝚢 𝚔𝚗𝚘𝚠𝚜 𝚠𝚑𝚢 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚍𝚘𝚗’𝚝 𝚐𝚎𝚝 𝚊𝚕𝚘𝚗𝚐 𝚠𝚒𝚝𝚑 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚋𝚛𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛’𝚜 𝚋𝚎𝚜𝚝 𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚞𝚗𝚠𝚘𝚘. 𝚘𝚛, 𝚊𝚕𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚗𝚊𝚝𝚎𝚕𝚢: 𝚢𝚘𝚞 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚜𝚞𝚗𝚠𝚘𝚘 𝚜𝚙𝚎𝚗𝚍 𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚗𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚝𝚘𝚐𝚎𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚊𝚗𝚍 𝚑𝚊𝚟𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚑𝚒𝚍𝚎 𝚒𝚝 𝚏𝚛𝚘𝚖 𝚢𝚘𝚞𝚛 𝚋𝚛𝚘𝚝𝚑𝚎𝚛 𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚌.

𝚖𝚊𝚜𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚕𝚒𝚜𝚝 // 𝚗𝚎𝚡𝚝

Sunwoo was a little drunk.

That much was clear just by his appearance alone. His eyes, usually sparkly and warm, were rimmed with red and caused Sunwoo’s vision to be slightly blurred under the effects of the alcohol he had consumed that evening.

He didn’t intend for that night to happen that way. Originally, Eric had brought Sunwoo to the party to cheer him up after moping around for four days. Sunwoo was so upset about what happened that he wouldn’t even tell Eric what it was. Still, his best friend figured that if it was bad enough, Sunwoo would just tell him what happened eventually. The party seemed like the perfect solution, especially since all of their friends would be attending as well.

Y/n had been doing somewhat better than Sunwoo.

She had refused to believe their short disagreement over text was a break up, and was simply waiting for Sunwoo to calm down enough to have a proper conversation with her. This seemed to be the mature thing to do, even if she wasn’t sure she believed it.

Some time at the start of the party, Y/n ran into Bomin from high school and her legal studies class. She was all too happy with the distraction. Bomin was equal parts funny, kind and had the opposite personality to Sunwoo’s. As such, he made the perfect form of entertainment for the evening. His gorgeous smile helped cheer her up a little, too. Eric had joined the pair after noticing them, remembering Bomin from high school and all too enthusiastic to catch up with him.

Just when Y/n wanted to leave and find Kevin – a result of Eric and Bomin speaking entirely about baseball and little else – she spotted Hyunggu greeting Hyunjae in the corner of her eyes. Recalling that she hadn’t seen him since their legal studies final, Y/n excused herself to greet the older man.

“Hey,” she appeared beside Hyunjae, smiling widely at him and Hyunggu. Hyunggu’s eyes lit up with delight after recognising Y/n. “Good to see you again,” she told Hyunggu, accepting the warm hug he was holding his arms out for. The two had become quite decent friends over the semester.

“You too! How was your break?”

As Hyunggu and Y/n conversed, Hyunjae smirked and left the two alone in favour of finding his friends, spying on them from a distance. The pair hadn’t even noticed Hyunjae leave, which made him giggle as he approached Sunwoo, Kevin and Chanhee.

“What are you smirking about?” Chanhee wondered, sipping on his drink with a raised brow.

“Hyunggu and Y/n,” Hyunjae sang their names, pointing them out in the crowded room. You were leaning your ear closer to Hyunggu’s lips so you could better understand him over the music, bursting into laughter once you understood him. “They’re in their own little world over there.”

Sunwoo’s heart dropped into his stomach, and not just from the alcohol he had consumed that day.

Chanhee grinned. “They’re actually pretty cute together,” your friend allowed. “But I saw her with Bomin earlier, and they’re way cuter together.”

“Choi Bomin? He’s one good-looking guy. Him and Y/n would have gorgeous children. Still, I’m team Hyunggu.”

Sunwoo couldn’t help but bite his bottom lip to suppress a scoff. That Bomin guy again? Surely you weren’t just spending time with all the men that were interested in you for no reason.

Kevin, having noticed Sunwoo’s silence and knowing the truth about your relationship with him, intervened. “Let’s not start shipping Y/n with every male around her,” he tried to joke. “She’s her own person.”

“Of course,” Hyunjae nodded. “Besides, she said she wasn’t interested in either of them. I wonder why she never even went on a date with Hyunggu…”

Sunwoo downed what was left in his cup and frowned. “I’m just gonna-” without finishing his sentence, he made his way to where you stood.

Hyunggu saw him before you did. “Oh hi,” he greeted. “It’s Sunwoo, right?”

At the sound of your boyfriend’s name, you tensed. “Yeah,” Sunwoo nodded. “Could I have a minute with her?” he motioned to you. Hyunggu shrugged and you let Sunwoo lead you out of the house and to the front porch, away from prying eyes.

Chanhee, Hyunjae and Kevin watched. “Well that’s new,” Chanhee said, surprised by Sunwoo willingly speaking to you. “I’ve certainly never seen them voluntarily interact before.”

Once you were outside, you felt the bite of the late January air against your skin, even through your sweater and jeans. Noticing this, Sunwoo took off his sherpa-lined leather jacket and wrapped it around your shoulders. “Are you doing this on purpose?” he asked, breaking the silence as he zipped the jacket up.

You exhaled. “Doing what, Sunwoo? I don’t want to play games. Just tell me what you mean.”

The combination of the jealousy and alcohol in his system made Sunwoo’s head slightly foggy. “Hyunggu, Bomin,” he listed off. “Everyone likes you and wants to go out with you.”

“That’s not true,” you denied. “They’re my classmates; friends I made over the semester. Hyunggu asked me out and I decided not to go because of you, remember?”

“Friends,” Sunwoo scoffed. “Do all of your friends flirt with you?”

Frustrated with his behaviour, you bit back “Well, they wouldn’t flirt with me if they knew I had a boyfriend. But you don’t want to tell anyone so I don’t have any reason to tell them to leave me alone.”

“Don’t have any reason?” Sunwoo echoed. “So you’re saying that you just let them flirt with you even though we’re dating? That doesn’t seem fair.”

“You want to talk about what’s fair?” you exclaimed. “Fine! Let’s talk. But I’m not wasting my time to explain to you that I can have male friends even though we’re dating. They’ve never crossed any line that made me uncomfortable or compromised my relationship with you,” you bit your bottom lip. “You do that on your own just fine.”

“Nice,” Sunwoo rolled his eyes. “Really nice. Thanks for that.” As he tried to sit on the front steps, he lost his footing and nearly fell.

“You’re drunk,” you realised, stabilising his balance by taking ahold of his arms. “Go home, Sunwoo,” you said, feeling disappointed. “I’m not going to pointlessly argue while you’re drunk.”

“So now you’re mad about me being drunk? Am I not allowed to go out and have fun?”

“I’m not mad that you’re drunk!” You felt like your words were falling on deaf ears. “I’m mad because you never deal with your feelings,” you explained. “I’m mad because you say that you’re dating me and you love me, then you just ignore any conflict that arises and act out like this!”

You still had more to say, but someone else’s voice stopped you dead in your tracks. “Did you just say you’re dating?” Eric asked, voice ablaze with confusion and anger.

You almost stopped breathing in that moment.

Turning to face where your brother had just exited the house – most likely to find you after speaking with Bomin or check on how drunk Sunwoo was – you found Eric glaring at Sunwoo. “Eric,” you stammered. “I- I can explain. I know you’re probably upset with me for-“

“How could you?” Eric exclaimed to Sunwoo, tears welling in the corners of his eyes.

You had expected Eric to shout at you, maybe call you a liar and be angry at you for keeping things from him. What you hadn’t expected was Eric to be gazing at Sunwoo as if he had betrayed him, tears leaking out of his eyes and dripping down his cheeks.

Eric cried often. It was one of the many things you loved about your brother: his sensitivity and ginormous heart.

And yet, you never saw this coming.

“Eric,” Sunwoo said quietly. “I-“ he closed his mouth, unsure of what to say. “I didn’t want you to find out this way.”

“No,” Eric shook his head, angrily wiping the tears away. “I’m sure you didn’t want me to find out at all, did you? I bet that you thought everything would be fine as long as I didn’t find out. That it wouldn’t be a breach of trust if I had no clue.”

The way your brother’s words hit close to home only served to confuse you further.

“Please don’t be mad,” Sunwoo’s voice shook, suddenly desperate and panicked at having been caught. He stepped out of your hold to approach your brother. “Please don’t. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Eric, I just-“

“You broke your promise, Sunwoo,” Eric sobbed. “You promised you wouldn’t do this.”

Promised?

“What are you guys talking about?” you demanded.

please don’t kill me for that cliffhanger... see you in four days lol

also stan golden child and pentagon pls thnx

[doodlingstuff]

Sun & Moon

Just watched season 2 of A Discovery of Witches and realized that the head of the witches’ last name is Knox, so obviously, an AU had to surge:

•This guy, Peter Knox, has a son. Jeremy, who is also a witch, but decided to live a normal life among humans and Exy. •He is well aware that the Ravens are in fact a powerful clan of vampires, but as long as they don’t mess with him outside of the Court, he can live with it. •Jeremy is also friends with Kevin, the only human who was able to escape from them before they turned him into a vampire. •When the atrocities Riko did to turn his teammates into vampires are known to the rest of creatures, Jeremy is shocked, but he doesn’t intend stepping in. His father can deal with that. •But then, Kevin asks him to take Jean in. •Unlike the rest of Ravens, Jean is the only demon. •The Moreaus were forced to give him up when he was a child to seal an old debt between creatures. •Jeremy finds Jean fascinating. He is every bit the opposite of him. •Where Jeremy is the sunshine, Jean is a new moon. •He has been hurt his whole life, and he doesn’t know that creatures had learned to live mixed long ago as equals. •Jeremy shows him bit by bit how to be himself again, and helps him embrace his nature, even if it’s somewhat scary for both. •As time goes by and Jeremy finds that there is more than Exy connecting them, feelings start to arise. •The striker doesn’t want to let them show, because he is sure Jean hasn’t healed enough for a relationship. •And his father won’t approve in a million years. •But then, Jeremy learns that mating between species is happening. •He can’t wait any longer to be the light that Jean needs in his life. •One day, on summer break, Jeremy tells Jean the story of the witch and the vampire that fought to live together. •Their first kiss is a collision of night and day, right and wrong, fear and excitement, beginnings and endings. Sun and moon. A perfect eclipse. •When they break apart, there is joy behind Jean’s eyes for the first time. •Peter doesn’t take it well Jeremy’s decision to mate with a demon, so he is exiled. •Jeremy can’t care less. If he has Jean, he has everything he needs. •Their first years together are hard for the creatures to accept, but eventually, they make clear they love each other beyond race. •They get away from the creatures in favor of going pro on Exy. •Their joint talents grant them a spot on the best team, and then, on US Court. •When they win gold in the Olympics, Jean is shinning as much as Jeremy. They both have become the brightest stars. •In that moment, Jeremy makes cler that there will never be magic more powerful that the one coming out of love. •Creatures finally accept the bonding between species and Peter takes both as his sons. •After all, Jeremy and Jean get to live happily ever after in a world that was changed by them for the better. Like always, all coments, likes and reblogs make my day :D And don’t forget to tell me what you want to read next!

[jenniferdiazisatransgirl]

My Journey

Hey everyone, As you will likely know by now I am a trans woman and I live in the UK where lately trans people have been under significant scrutiny by the press, government and groups claiming to be acting in the name of feminism.

One of the arguments used when not directly attacking trans people, is that the medical institutions that help us in the UK fast track us through transition, even the NHS and I know so many trans people in this country that I can say without a shadow of a doubt this is not true. This includes a significant number who have been under the care of Tavistock and Portman, the under 18s service which was recently banned from giving its patients hormone blockers without the approval of the courts.

But anyway, I’m gonna share my story and how lengthy the process actually is and I will warn ahead of time this deals with suicidal ideation, gatekeeping, mental health, etc. So proceed with caution. This will also be a long post.

September/October 2008

I can’t remember which month but it was just before my 16th birthday, my Dad encouraged me to go to my GP regarding my gender dysphoria. I lived with my transphobic Mum at the time and had to go behind her back which was terrifying to say the least. I saw a doctor called Dr Moulsher and explained everything I was going through and his response was, “I don’t think the NHS funds any of this.” He was very ignorant on trans issues but it actually fortunately worked out in my favour, I got lucky, I know, but he just wanted me off of his hands.

I explained in Sheffield there was a GIC (gender identity clinic) operated by the NHS known as Porterbrook and he was just like, “Oh right. Well I’m more than happy to refer you but they likely won’t see you till you are 18.”

He asked me some questions, wrote up a detailed report and put in the referral to “get the ball rolling” as he worded it.

I was terrified at the time of the referral letter going to my home address though and he was like, “Well it needs to be sent somewhere.” So he agreed to send it to my grandparents address.

Later That Year

About a month or so later a letter arrived at my grandparents saying I had been accepted onto Porterbrook’s waiting list, explaining it is substantially long, that they wouldn’t be able to see me till I’m 18, etc. Your typical boiler plate stuff. Also as I understand it they don’t typical accept referrals for under 18s so I got lucky there. I remember getting so excited when I got my letter though, that I took it into school to show all of my friends.

Back then it was a requirement that I have a mental health assessment while on the waiting list though. So I returned to Dr Moulsher who I had become rather comfortable with and had made him my regular GP. He made a referral to the local mental health clinic and that was that.

January/February 2009

A letter came in the post asking me to ring to book at appointment at the local mental health clinic. I couldn’t ring from home cos my Mum would overhear and she was spying on me a lot at the time due to really being against the fact I’m trans. My school - which was a Catholic school shockingly enough - had already decided my home environment had become so toxic that I needed removing from my Mum’s care. They would be a process that wouldn’t be completed till June 2010 but yeah, it had got that bad. Anyway, I ended up asking the school receptionist if I could ring on their phone to book the appointment. That was booked for February.

The appointment was a weird one to say the least. The doctor asked me a quite a lot of questions but these are the ones that stuck out.

So with this first one, I am going to preface with that as far as I am aware, I am white and of white ancestry for all the generations I know of. However I do have remarkably curly hair that left to its own devices grows into an afro (or at least what looks like an afro). So the first set of questions that stood out; Dr: What’s your mother’s ethnicity? Me: White British.

Dr: Sorry, did you say Afro-Caribbean? Me: No. White British. Dr: And your father’s ethnicity? Me: White British. Dr: Sorry, was that Afro-Caribbean?

Me: Nope. White British.

Not really sure how you can get Afro-Caribbean and White British verbally mixed up but he seemed very adamant at least one of my parents must be Afro-Caribbean.

He then later goes;

Dr: Do you have a partner?

Me: Yes.

Dr: Are they male or female?

Me: I have a girlfriend.

Dr: Then you can’t be trans. You can’t be trans if you like girls.

Me: What about lesbians?

Dr: That’s beside the point.

Shockingly, in the end he agreed with my GP’s assessment that I am trans but Jesus, as you can probably guess from above that mental health assessment was a minefield of weird.

24th October 2010

In June 2010, I was finally removed from my Mum’s care at the age of 17 and placed in supported housing and on the date about I got a phone call from Porterbrook GIC on my 18th birthday no less, inviting me to my first appointment in November.

22nd June 2012

I legally changed my name and title by deed poll to Miss Lily Nichole Robinson.

22nd October 2012

I’d now been at Porterbrook for almost 2 years, had lots of appointments, most of which repeated the same mundane questions and it had started to feel like nothing was ever going to change. I had become increasingly depressed and suicidal and I had decided that if nothing had changed by my 20th birthday I was going to take my own life. I did not want to enter my 20s still living my life as a man. I didn’t want to lose another year of my life.

I remember this date exactly, not because I marked it in my calendar but because Taylor Swift’s album “Red” came out that morning. Despite everything, I was dancing along to 22 that morning while ironing some clothes, before I headed off to Porterbrook. I didn’t really feel like it mattered, I was going to kill myself 2 days later but I figured what is the harm in going through the motions one last time.

I sat there, trying not to let on how miserable I was, didn’t see the point in letting them in on how I was feeling. Nothing would change.

I remember being asked some really gross questions that day though. I got asked if I masturbated and I just declined answering. When challenged I was just like, “I maybe trans and I may hate that equipment but I’m a human being. I still have sexual urges. What do you think the answer is.”

The appointment though, shockingly ended with them telling me they were going to put me on hormones. I was gonna get my estrogen. It was enough to give me a reason to keep on living.

But just bare in mind how close I got to taking my own life there. 2 days away from my 20th birthday. Also it took almost 2 years for them to say they’d be placing me on hormones.

January/February 2013

In January, I had my bloods taken to get a baseline and I was told about options for storing gametes. I did decide to consider this but in the end it ended up being too costly for me at the time. So in February, on a day it was snowing I got the train and was adamant the snow was not stopping me getting to Porterbrook and I had an appointment with the head clinician, Dr Kevin Wylie.

He oddly listed all the testosterone blocker options to me with side effects and risks and all the estradiol options to me with side effects and risks. In the end I chose Cyproterone Acetate for my blocker and Estradiol Valerate pills for my hormones.

50mg per day of Cyproterone Acetate and 2mg per day of Estradiol Valerate. I was ecstatic and took them both the second I got on the bus 😊

May 2013

Slightly unrelated to the medical process but just 3 months in and my mental health had improved drastically. Since I was removed from my Mum’s care I had become a bit of a shut in. I didn’t have any friends, my anxiety was through the roof, I was insanely depressed and I just avoided everything and everyone, only leaving my house for work. Hormones changed that though, I just felt so much happier and I also remember that Spring just being like really vividly aware of the colours of all the flowers and plant life for like the first time in my life. I actually wanted to go out and social and make friends and there was a local LGBT youth group for 18-25 year olds that I decided to join and I started to have and social life again. And by September 2013 I started university and soon came getting drunk with the LGBT Liberation Group at the various socials. I was happy and finally starting to feel like myself.

2013 - 2016

Porterbrook became very gatekeepy in the final stage of my transition. They didn’t like how I dressed. Apparently girls wear dresses while I preferred jeans, t-shirts and hoodies. I didn’t like wearing make-up. I wasn’t the 1950s image of a girl that Porterbrook seemed to expect. I actually have a trans guy friend who around the same time had been told he couldn’t start on testosterone unless he cut his hair short, cos apparently men don’t have long hair.

It pissed me off to no end because I transitioned to be me, not to be a performance of how the world thinks a woman should be. I refused to give ground on how I dressed, etc but in the end I ended up telling a few white lies to get past the final level of gatekeeping. And I can’t remember most of this dates as they happened while uni was going on in the background. But eventually Porterbrook gave me the go ahead for surgery, about 6 months later I had my second opinion and then I was referred for surgery.

January 2016

I had my pre-surgery assessment at Nuffield Health Brighton and I was told if I wanted I could have my surgery as early as March 2016. Due to university though, this proved a bit too soon and the date was pushed to June 2016.

22nd June 2016

The day before the EU Referendum I had my gender reassignment surgery. I don’t actually remember feeling all that ecstatic after the surgery. There was lot of pain and I was on a lot of drugs. But a friend, Rosie, who I hadn’t seen since high school lived in the area and she was at my bedside when I woke up. I was in hospital a week and had 3 months of recovery ahead of me.

Post Surgery 2016

Having surgery had been great, things finally felt right. My entire body felt right for once but I had tunnel visioned my life towards surgery and put a lot of stuff on the back burner and had some major post-surgery depression so I sort counselling at my university to get through these issues and once that was sorted I felt a lot more stable in myself and like nothing was in my way.

October 2016

I put in my application for my Gender Recognition Certificate only for it to get rejected because they did not like the assessment from Porterbrook GIC and Dr Wylie who wrote the assessments was off on leave. Me and a nurse had to sit down and look through my medical record to find a medical report they might accept and we finally found one. However they wouldn’t say what was wrong with the original which made Porterbrook kinda stumped on what was wrong.

February 2017

I received my Gender Recognition Certificate and my new Birth Certificate.

March 2017

I was discharged from Porterbrook GIC.

For those who are under the impression gender reassignment is a fast process it isn’t, it took me 8 years and 6 months start to finish, from initially seeing my GP at 15 to finally being discharged from Porterbrook GIC at the age of 24. It is a long ass process with a shit tone of gatekeeping and honestly going through the process as it stands isn’t something I’d wish on my worst enemy. When I was discharged from Porterbrook GIC in 2017 my first thought was, “I’m free. I’m finally in control of my own life.” As up until that point, I felt I had no autonomy and that my life and happiness was in the hands of doctors. It was miserable.

But there it is.

[gigsoupmusic]

INTERVIEW - MICKO WESTMORELAND ON 'VELVET GOLDMINE' AND LIFE WITH THE MELLOTRONICS

Micko Westmoreland first came to the public's attention as the enigmatic Jack Fairey in the star-studded glam rock fake biopic 'Velvet Goldmine', and since then has done everything from making electronica as The Bowling Green to the sharp edged new wave of his current project Micko & The Mellotronics. With that band on the verge of releasing their second single, a double A-side with the timely 'Noisy Neighbours 'and 'You Killed My Father' (featuring the late Neil Innes), he spoke to Gigsoup to tell all... Starting at the beginning, you got your first break appearing in the film ‘Velvet Goldmine’…  Quite a baptism of fire! Yep, I was fresh out of film school with little acting experience. So I did a ton of research, suspended all activities other than glam rock ones; late mornings, blurry eyeliner, became a kind of ‘Our Lady of the Flowers’, to quote Jean Genet. I did appear on set however with well prepared sleeve notes. Ziggy/Hunky and early Roxy had been teenage territory. Toni Colette really helped me during filming, showing me where and how to move and stand in frame etc. which I really wasn’t aware of and she was such a wonderful person to hang out with. Ewan McGregor was enormous in the 90s but treated you like a complete equal. I’ve acted the fiction of being a sensational rock star, my embalmed alter ego is now moth balled and hermetically sealed for posterity. What do you make of the film’s recent re-appraisal – it was panned at the time but now it’s considered a cult classic A lot of the film heavyweights liked it at the time and have consistently sung its praises over the last 20 years, which has contributed to its legacy, plus Todd Haynes is now seen as a 24-carat auteur. 1998 wasn’t ready for a kaleidoscopic pansexual odyssey. Velvet Goldmine truly tapped into a teenage hormonal feeling, so the audience is responsible for its longevity I think, people have grown old with it and new fans have discovered it. You had quite a lot of success making electronic music as The Bowling Green but then switched tack to making more song-based stuff.  What’s the story there? The music I was making was becoming increasingly filmic, so I moved into movie sound tracks for a while and did two film scores and a few documentaries with my brother; acclaimed director Wash Westmoreland (Still Alice, Colette). One of them, Echo Park L.A., won best drama at Sundance in 2006! I was becoming more attuned to a literary narrative and was listening to Dylan’s Time out of Mind and Beck’s Sea Change at the time – couple that with improvements in technology that weren’t so reliant on sampler and keyboard. I started playing much more guitar again, my first love and now my primary instrument for writing. You made a couple of albums under your own name but then formed Micko & The Mellotronics – your first ‘band’ project.  What was the thinking behind that move? I was very much used to working on my own. I made a couple of solo albums, one which Terry Edwards (P.J. Harvey/Holy Holy) released on his Sartorial label called ‘Wax & Wayne’, and ‘Yours Etc Abc’, on my own Landline records imprint, which I believe was the main unconscious projection into putting a live act together. The person doing PR for it asked, ‘Who’s in the band?’ When I realized I didn’t have one, it made sense to look for folk to start pushing sounds around. How would you sum up the band to someone you hadn’t heard you before?  Can you name us a few bands that have influenced its sound? We get compared to the Buzzcocks quite a lot, I’ll take that. I’ve loved Magazine since teenage, Television too. I also dig Serge Gainsbourg majorly and bands like The Silver Apples. I’m really into Iso Tomita, the 70’s electronic musician and of course Mr. Eno too. People have commented that the double A side, soon to be released, is like early Genesis but I think it’s much closer to The Rutles. Patrick from R.O.C. said there was violence to the sound. I do pride the writing on an intricacy and eccentricity but without getting prog about it. Talk us through the Mellotronics members and their individual flavours... Nick Mackay a friend referred me to. He was playing in a two-piece called ‘Barricades’, and was clearly a very good drummer, real flare as a player/performer and had the magic ingredient for any band – he was a thoroughly decent chap you could spend a ton of time with. Jon Klein is our very own rock star hiding in plain sight. He has a CV better than the rest of us put together: Banshees, Sinead O’Connor to name a few and of course his own band Specimen. I lent Jon my amp when we were on the same bill. I gave him a copy of my previous album and he contacted me the next day, which I considered a big thumbs up. He’s very quick, obscenely talented and has revolutionized day-to-day working practice. In short a turbo charged V12 engine has been carefully placed inside a Hillman imp, with fresh brake pads added. Vicky Carroll the bassist also came through personal referral, Haydn Hades who does stand up. At the time she was playing in a band the ‘Owls of Now’, a very bright lady indeed. She really got what the band was about and had great style. The dynamic of now the band get on and its chemistry is essential to longevity. Having a woman on board was important to us, so we really lucked out by finding such a smart cookie in Vicky. So far, you’ve shared ‘The Finger’, your first single, and now two new tracks, which will (eventually) be released as a 7” single.  Talk us through ‘Noisy Neighbors’ and ’You Killed My Father’. Noisy Neighbours came about from my experience with dealing with serial complainers whilst living in a housing co-op. We shot the video with filmmaker Ashley Jones (www.thechaoesengineers.com) in the next door location the inhabitants of the song were occupying, so we had to be quiet. Of course some complaints are genuine but most were more telling of the complainant than complainee. There are control issues, which come about as a result of trying to micromanage your environment beyond your own four walls. I wanted to make a witty statement about that without being over critical or condemning. Raising a single eyebrow over that type of behavior. ‘You Killed My Father’, the double A side was inspired by Neil Innes R.I.P. (Monty Python, Bonzo Dog, The Rutles). So of course I was thrilled when he agreed to play on it. I was introduced to him through an artist friend Harry Pye. We inadvertly created a supergroup together called the Spammed and meet up once a year to record for the Teenage Cancer Trust. Last session Tony Visconti produced a cover of Bolan’s ‘Get it on’, for us. It comprises, Rat Scabies (The Damned), Horace Panter (The Specials), Neil when he was with us and actor/comedian Kevin Eldon on vocs, I play guitar. The song relates to my childhood, growing up in Leeds and has a Shakespearean quality. I checked the prose with an expert to make sure I hadn’t over egged the pudding. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5iswf8GG6o You seem to be able to attract some interesting names to collaborate with - Horace Panter of The Specials and the late Neil Innes recently, but also members of The Blockheads, Madness, Stranglers and Goldfrapp in the past.  Who would be top of your collaborative wish list? I’d love to do something with Eno again. We became friendly during the mid nineties. I was tutored by him, whilst working on an art show called ‘Self Storage’ with Laurie Anderson but never made it into the studio. A wild card like Wendy Carlos, famed for the soundtrack of ‘A Clockwork Orange’ would be great too. Likewise, your videos have featured some interesting names from British comedy…  What do they bring to the party?  Anyone else you’d like to get on board if you had free reign? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDr7nkOQN9Q All the comedy connections came from Kevin Eldon initially, a super bright and truly wonderful guy. He introduced me to Paul Putner at a Specials gig. Paul’s a brilliant bloke and really likes the band. He found the remarkable Suzy Kane for us. All three have taken excellent roles. Suzy had a lot of input in Noisy Neighbours, suggesting wardrobe and even shots to Ashley as we were making it; we really have had tremendous fun with our contributors. Obviously, Chris Morris would be fantastic but I’m a little afraid to knock. We hear the debut M&TM album is close to completion – what have you got in store for us? A psychedelic mish mash of fable, sound collage and idea. With the new single, 3 of the songs are now out there. On a musical front Horace Panter out of The Specials has guested on a couple of tracks for us and of course we have one of Neil Innes’ last performances too. I’ve written a song about Imelda Marcos, she seemed like a person who was way ahead of her time, a modern template for a highly manipulative battle-axe. I have an author friend in his 60s who’s an eminent  psychologist, (Georg Eifert - Anxiety Happens) so I wrote a song called ‘The Fear’, with a lot of his theories in mind. There’s also one too called ‘Sick and Tired’, it’s not about what I’m eed up about, but like Noisy Neighbours it’s a comment about complaint. When writing I try to look at what gets talked about by everyday people and base some of the songs around those themes. Earwig on phone conversations on buses, pick up discarded bits of paper, when you get into the habit you’ll be amazed what you find. So I get on the 38 and set my brain to record. There’s also a fair amount about growing up on the record too, which I hope all can relate to. I think you have to start with a good idea, that’s on any level otherwise you’re unlikely to get far. From my art college days I got into the habit of noting things down, if you don’t it often escapes you. It’s difficult to marry a multitude of ingredients and let’s face it the world is full of plenty, pair it down and make it resonate. Anyone who tells you otherwise is telling porkies. To make something that stands the test of time is more difficult still. But I’m not afraid of the work and I enjoy ‘the doing’, for me that’s what it’s all about. I believe that as individuals we have a natural tendency to evolve, if we choose to see it that way and trust, it’ll ‘self fulfill’. If you’ll allow yourself to tap into that expansion creatively, you’ll always find inspiration. Micko & The Mellotronics release 'Noisy Neighbours / You Killed My Father' on Landline Records on April 17 with the 7" single schedule to hit the shops on June 27. Read the full article

[cromulentbookreview]

Weaponized Jaws

Or: Seafire by Natalie C. Parker!

Action on the seas featuring badass female protagonists? Yeah, I’m definitely going to read that. Very little needed in the way of convincing me to read this book.

Seafire had been advertised before as Fury Road meets Wonder Woman meets the ocean, which makes sense. Though with much less Wonder Woman and way more of Kevin Costner's Waterworld.

Alright, children, gather around while I explain to you what Waterworld was.

Yeah, Waterworld. Not a video game, it was a movie starring Kevin Costner, the world’s only American-accented Robin Hood (hey, I like that movie, Alan Rickman was a treasure and I’ll fight anyone who says otherwise). Waterworld came out in 1995 and was massive flop, now a bit of a cult-classic. I remember 1995, somewhat vaguely. God I’m an Old now, aren’t I?

I’ll never be as cool as Steve Buscemi, though.

For those of you who enjoy both Fury Road and Waterworld, then you’ll definitely like Seafire. I love anything that takes place on the ocean - a side effect of my strange Dudes on Boats fixation that I’ve mentioned previously (my apologies to For a Muse of Fire, . Sea stories are kind of my thing. So is post-apocalyptic YA fiction. So this book ticked all the “I need entertainment and want to forget the news exists right now” boxes and worked out perfectly.

Caledonia Styx lives in Crapsack Waterworld, a post-apocalyptic flooded version of our world (referenced occasionally as the “old world”, flooded/destroyed as a result of some unknown calamity). Caledonia has the misfortune to live in an area controlled by Aric Athair, a vicious warlord and sir-not-appearing-in-this-book (since Seafire is the first in a planned trilogy, I’m sure we’ll meet him eventually). Anyway, Athair controls his war boys, called Bullets, by drugging them with something called Silt, made from some sort of weird hybrid poppy-flower-thing. Life in Athair’s territory sucks, so Caledonia’s mom, Rhona, and a bunch of other families have gotten together on the Styx family’s ship, the Ghost, to break through Athair’s blockade and head off to freedom elsewhere.

Unfortunately, the night the Ghost intends to escape, Caledonia and her best friend Pisces (they’re really big on the names from Greco Roman mythology in crapsack Waterworld) are sent ashore to gather some last minute supplies. Caledonia comes across a bullet called Lir, who asks for her help. It’s all bullshit, though - the second Caledonia gives away the location of the Ghost, Lir and his fellow bullets attack, slaughtering Caledonia and Pisces’s families and sinking the Ghost.

Pisces didn’t witness Lir’s treachery, though, and Caledonia, feeling responsible for the deaths of all those onboard the Ghost, keeps that bit where she gave away the position of the ship to herself. That makes sense, considering how guilty it feels, but later, as Caledonia refers to Pisces as her “sister”, the fact that she kept this bit of intel under wraps does become a tad annoying. Especially when Caledonia refuses, multiple times, to clarify why it is she does’t trust Bullets. She’s just like “nope, can’t trust Bullets” instead of “no, that one time I trusted a Bullet, he slaughtered our families.”

Anyway!

Four years after the deaths of their families, Caledonia and Pisces have raised and repaired the Ghost, renaming it the Mors Navis.

(Language nerd sidebar: Mors Navis, by the way, is Latin for Death Ship. Thank you Google translate! No thanks to my 10+ years of German education. Why couldn’t I have picked a Latin language? Noo, I had to go with the Germanics. Mors Navis does sound way more menacing than Totenschiff. Eat it, B. Traven).

Over those four years, Caledonia, acting as captain, and Pisces, her first mate, have collected a crew composed entirely of girls and women, all of whom have no love for Aric Athair and his Bullet army. Caledonia and her crew basically go around the Bullet seas, making life hell for Athair’s people. During one such mission, Pisces is wounded and then captured, only to be rescued and returned to the Mors Navis by a Bullet who claims he wants to escape. Caledonia, who has literally zero reasons to trust Bullets, doesn’t trust him. Pisces points out, reasonably, that he saved her life when he could have left her to die. But Caledonia simply repeats her mantra of “no trusting Bullets” while refusing to elaborate.

Until the Bullet lets it slip that Donnally and Ares, Caledonia and Pisces’s brothers, respectively, survived the massacre on board the Ghost and were pressed into Athair’s drug-addled Bullet army. He knows what ship Donnally and Ares are on, and the route it takes to bring in conscripts (read: children stolen from their families, drugged, and forced into Athair’s army, refusal to comply met with extreme violence, in the usual fashion of a murderous tyrant).

Suddenly, Caledonia has reason to question her strict “don’t trust Bullets” policy. But it’s one of those Meek’s Cutoff situations: the Bullet could be a lying sack of shit and leading the Mors Navis into a trap. Or he could be telling the truth, leading Caledonia and Pisces to their long-lost brothers. What to do?

Well, it’d be a pretty short book if they just shot the Bullet, dumped his body in the ocean and moved on, wouldn’t it?

It took me a little longer to read Seafire than I intended - I’m a slow reader anyway, but while I was reading Seafire, I was also binging on Scott Lynch’s Gentleman Bastard series (which are fantastic by the way - highly recommend the audiobooks, Michael Page is an amazing audiobook narrator) so my focus may have been just a wee bit divided. My biggest complaint is now we have yet another seafaring heroine with red hair. How come all the seafaring heroines have to have red hair? Also, it’s funny you should bring up red hair, because in the world of the Gentleman Bastards, bad things happen to girls with red hair. Seriously, how come all the fiery heroine types have to have red hair? I mean, it’s not like I’m jealous or anything. I mean, it’s not like I should have been born with red hair, but no, it ended up a dull, boring blonde, and hair dye is expensive and smells terrible...

Uhm.

I mean.

Seriously, though, red hair is a rare thing - if Caledonia’s father had dark hair and her mother had red hair, the most likely outcome would be a bunch of kids with...dark hair. Though if her father did have a recessive red-hair gene, then it’s entirely possible for him to have produced red-headed children... So I guess it’s possible. 

Not that I’m annoyed that my hair didn’t turn out red. Even though it should have, goddamn it! I know those recessive genes are in there somewhere!

Stupid lousy blonde hair grumble grumble grumble...

Ok, back to Seafire - it is definitely a highly enjoyable book, lots of nonstop action, but not a lot of resolution because it’s the first in an intended series. I highly recommend breezing through the book in one go, rather than endlessly picking it up and then putting it down in order to find out whether or not Locke and Jean finally kiss (they don’t). 

But yes, jealousy over fictional characters’ red hair aside, the only major complaint I have about Seafire rests with a single line. The thing about reading ARCs, which I think I’ve mentioned before but, again, nobody reads these, so I might as well: ARCs are not finished copies. The final copy of Seafire might not even feature this line, so it seems silly to complain about it, but complaining is fun so I’ll do it anyway.

So the secondary-boss villain, Lir, Caledonia’s sworn enemy as he killed her whole goddamn family, is described as having a “long face with a jaw that looked sharp enough to be a weapon of its own.”

From that line onward I found I was unable to focus on anything except how a man’s jaw could be sharp enough to constitute a weapon. It’s a question that’s been driving me to distraction for weeks now. Is Lir’s jawline sharp enough that it comes to a point, like a knife? What would that look like on a three-dimensional human person? How would one wield their weaponized jaws? Like a battering ram? Or would you just like, wave your head around like a sword? Does this mean his chin comes to a point, too? That one line of the galley proof of Seafire has caused me more consternation than anything else in the book - and this is a book that features lots of violence. Lots and lots of it. And here I am contemplating a man with a weaponized jawbone. 

I mean, of the whole book it’s one line and it doesn’t even matter but...but...gah, I can’t help but picture a guy with knives for a jaw. 

RECOMMENDED FOR: Fans of badass female protagonists kicking ass on the high seas, fans of YA lit who also happen to be fans of Kevin Costner’s Waterworld.

NOT RECOMMENDED FOR: Anyone who takes physical descriptions of fictional far too literally.

RELEASE DATE: August 28, 2018

RATING: 4/5

ANTICIPATION LEVEL FOR SEQUEL: Lhotse

OBLIGATORY STYX REFERENCE:

[bluesrrgents]

Hi dear!! So sorry to bother you (again because i've asked you for fic recs before and they WERE amazing so im back aha) but would hav any good jerejean fic recs?? Ive become kinda obsessed with them

hii you’re never a bother!! sorry this took so long i lost my list of jerejean fics that i’ve read r i p zoe! they’re all under the cut and * means i haven’t read it yet, and please make sure to look at the warnings if you have any triggers!! have fun reading:)

thanks again to everyone who offered me some more recs :)

*hair dye by profslupin

Renee convinces Jean to let her dye his hair. The rest is exactly what you’d expect. (2k)

*mirrors by profslupin

The Trojans help Jean learn to look in the mirror and see himself instead of his scars

“Jean had a complicated relationship with his appearance. It wasn’t that he was insecure about his flaws, necessarily, but rather that they reminded him of his time in the Nest. Of his time with him.” (2.6k)

*watermarked by fairietailed

He hops into the kitchen on one foot, catching his mother before she carries the bowl of peas she’s holding into the dining room.

“Jeremy?” Her eyebrows pull together in concern at the look on his face. “What is it?”

“I don’t know,” he says, sticking out his foot. “I think it’s my soul mate?”

–

In which bruises and scars from your soulmate appear on your skin, and Jeremy’s skin is a myriad of colored stains. (4.6k)

*and i wanna come home to you. by redhoods

He’s so absorbed in staring at the way the sleeves are pulled up around his wrists that he doesn’t realize the team has filed out to the locker rooms until Jeremy crouches into his line of sight, “Everything alright?”

No, he thinks desperately, you’re too much.

“Sure,” he says eventually, standing up and walking away.

this is actually two parts, so it’s about 6k total

*the smell of honey by lilaliacs

Martha’s was a cozy little coffee shop that always smelled of honey, lilacs and something that couldn’t be described as anything less than home.And that’s what it was to Jeremy, who had spent his childhood sat on a stool at the tiny bar, coloring in the patterns of the menus, or watching his mother creating the most beautiful cakes and pastries that he had ever seen.

The place was filled with good memories and everyone who came in could sense the atmosphere of peace that seemed to fill the soft light falling in through lacy curtains at any time of day. In fact, multiple patrons had stated that they came in for exactly this, for a break from their everyday stress, to just grab a coffee and absorb whatever magic the smell of Martha’s cakes emitted and it was something Jeremy’s mother was very proud of.It was also something Jeremy was very proud of, and the reason for him to put his all in making the customers’ time there worthwhile.He never thought that one day, doing that would be a challenge.

(AU in which everything is the same only that Jeremy isnt captain of the trojans but works in his mom’s coffeeshop instead) (11k)

*eyes wide open by jaylocked

Jean blinked. Blinked again. Was sure he didn’t recognize the man on his doorstep, with his bright eyes and enormous grin and wavy blonde hair. Waited for him to explain himself with a simple raised eyebrow.

“Hi!” the man finally chirped. The sound was happiness channeled into a single word, and Jean wasn’t sure how he didn’t hate him already.

(based on the prompt from tumblr: “hi sorry I live below you and I hear your dog running around and barking all the time and– no no it’s fine I was just wondering if I could pet it?” au) (13k)

*i’ll come crashing by exyfexyfoxes

Hades/Persephone in the modern world where Jean runs an underground club that herds the souls of the dead. It’s a place where even gods die if they stay too long, regardless of how many pomegranate seeds they eat. Jean wants out. Jeremy wants in. Everybody wants them far away from each other. (19k)

*je reviens by laarusthefirst

‘Moreau is a rain cloud,’ Alvarez muttered, annoyed and bruised, watching Jean stalk ahead to the changing rooms. ‘He’s the human embodiment of a headache. He is the opposite of a Trojan.’‘Fucking good though, isn’t he?’ grinned Connor, jogging past.‘Can’t we all just be nice?’ Jeremy asked. (20k)

*this ink is still drying by ghostqueen

You can’t control who you want and you can’t control who hurts you

Jeremy was staring at Jean’s arms, tracing the bright swirls and splotches of ink that made up his sleeves with his eyes. His sleeves had been months of work and they still weren’t quite complete, he was still figuring out how to finish them. The first tattoo on his arms had been eight months ago, his first tattoo had been long before that. (26k)

*thick skin, an elastic heart by badacts

Jean sleeps around and learns how to make friends rather than alliances. Jeremy falls in love and can’t stop fucking up. (26k)

*ask the messenger by metis_ink

Jeremy Knox and the soulmate.

Guest starring: Exy, a transfer student, generalized anxiety, older sisters, drunk lesbians, bread, cake, a shed, the beach, the absence of Hennessy, Star Wars, Renee Walker, self-taught smooth talking, gratuitous French, No. 1 Trojans fan Kevin Day, relationship drama, general drama, the power of Friendship, questions, answers, team spirit!, and, of course, romance. (32k)

he could taste the stars by subtlehysteria

Jean is still adjusting to being a Trojan, Jeremy tries to help Jean open up to his new team. (47k)

*shield for a heart by neilskey

“It’s your choice, but you’re rotting away in here, Jean and no matter what she says, you can’t live in Abby’s spare bedroom forever. Time to start fighting again.”

Kevin’s hard and commanding tone was no surprise. The softness had been beaten out of him around the same time as Jean.

“What if I don’t want to anymore?”

Maybe it was because he had been half hidden in shadows-Jean had kept the shades drawn, but light still seeped in the cracks- but Jean thought he had seen something akin to understanding paint Kevin’s cool expression.“He’s gone. You survived. Play or don’t, it’s up to you, but you need to get out of this fucking house.”//Jean’s first year at USC. Jeremy falls hard, Jean comes around eventually. (55k)

*a little illumination by lazarusthefirst

Jean’s a lonely firefighter, and Jeremy teaches kindergarten. Everyone learns something about themselves. (56k)

*shooting for the stars, desperately reaching for something in the dark by cryptidkidprem

“He just won’t be back in black.”

A look at Jean’s first year with the Trojans, and his slightly rocky path to recovery. (146k)

WIPs:

*these streets by profslupin

alternate title: Jean and Jeremy’s Guide to an Epic Cross Country Road Trip

After one of Alvarez’s pranks leaves the boys stranded in South Carolina after a game, they decide to take the long route home. (1.6k, chapters 1/?)

*under the sun by knox_moreau

Jean Moreau is an exy player, not a writer. At least that’s what he thinks. His newfound therapist, however, has other ideas. Seeing as Jean refuses to talk to her in his hour-long therapy sessions, Ms. Dawson suggests perhaps writing down whatever he’s keeping inside. Jean can’t possibly see how he’s expected to write when he has nothing to write about. Then comes Jeremy Knox, in all his brightness and magnitude. Maybe, Jean thinks, he has something to write about. (7.2k, ch. 5/?)

*daffodils & gardenias by profslupin (any and all works by meg sponsored by this blog)

Jeremy Knox is the owner of a tattoo parlor when Jean Moreau opens up a flower shop next door. Jeremy gets a crush, but thankfully Laila and Alvarez are there to play matchmaker, with the help of Renee. (14k, ch. 9/?)\

*leaving marks by blackcatiiix

In a world where your soulmate’s injuries appear as bruises on your skin, Jeremy is… struggling. And that’s even before he meets Jean Moreau. (46k, ch. 12/?)

*marrow without bone by exyfexyfoxes

Onscreen Jeremy didn’t hesitate, displaying an eagerness that translated well across television. “Yeah, I spoke to Jean earlier this week. He’s definitely done for the year but he’ll be back in the fall.”Then, impeccably, a twitch at the corner of his mouth. “He just won’t be back in black.“Jean’s eyes narrowed.

(The season hasn’t even started yet and Jeremy already wants to cut their newest player from the team. Making the switch from Raven to Trojan isn’t quite what Jean thought it would be.) (68k, ch. 18/20)

[foxes-evermore]

Hey,,,, if you wanna you know,,,, whip me some of that angst you got,,,, that could,,,,,, that could work,,,,, that could be cool,,.

listen,, im in physical pain and also am not able to sleep at the moment so im sitting up in the kitchen getting ready to eat a whole cheesecake and preparing to cry,,,, the angst hour is upon us,,, lets do it

if this is about the thing i said yesterday, the specific angst i was talking about was a Kevaaron Song of Achilles AU, which, im not sure if that’s what you were hoping for, but im emotional,,,, just @ me again if you meant something different sjksldjlksdf

anyway here we go its long im so sorry alksjlskdfj

I’ve said this a lot before but like

Sporty-Boy-With-A-Destiny Kevin Day

Boy-Whom-Was-Treated-Like-Shit-By-The-Only-Parent-He-Knew-But-Succeeded-Out-Of-Spite-And-Became-A-Healer Aaron Minyard

t his writes itself

originally….. listen… originally i was like “of course Riko is Paris and Ichirou is H*ctor,,,, and Jean is Helen”

bUT then i got to thinking

and i’ll be damned if the mcfucking USC Trojans aren’t the for real trojans

and like this adds a whole knew level of angst because like

hear me out, i want Jeremy to be Paris just because of the Jerejean™,, but in reality,, the boy is H*ctor. Honorable and Loyal to a Fault, and best of the best right after Kevin.

which also means that Riko is actually Menelaus, and Ichirou is Agamemnon. and that makes a lot of sense because honestly the tension between them and Kevin with everyone going “no, IM the Most Important, fuck you” is 100% there.

Back to the boys though,,

like here’s Kayleigh Day, a simple sea nymph whose only desire is to protect her son and also make sure he is remembered and worshiped forever,,, and young Kevin is so on board,,,,

meanwhile

Aaron gets in some Trouble for killing a man who dared to lay a hand on his twin brother, and Tilda is overly happy about getting rid of him for the crime, so she sells him to a king who is known for adopting outcast orphan boys for his army. Aaron never hears from/sees his mother or brother again, but ,,, he meets the stupidest boy he has ever encountered in his LIFE. the kid is an absolute IDIOT, but he is half a god and destined for greatness and everyone dotes on him. 

Aaron doesnt care.

Kevin does.

Why is Aaron ignoring him?? Why doesn’t Aaron fawn over him like the other boys do? why won’t Aaron pay attention? it’s frustrating but intriguing.

The second time Aaron gets in trouble with royalty, the king wants to know why Aaron isn’t training and sparring with the other boys. He doesnt care about anything anymore, that’s why.

But he still knows pain and fear, so he does the only thing he knows how to do when a superior is angry: he finds a small/dark place and he hides.

Of Course someone finds him, and OF COURSE it’s that talented brat.

Kevin drags him to the king because its the right thing to do, but instead of leaving him for the wolves, Kev is like “I choose him. as my brother-in-arms. i want him by my side at all times” and obviously the king is like “why” because look at this fucking tiny pale stick-boy,,, he’s not even 5 feet tall yet,,, will he ever even get over 5 feet?? (spoiler, the answer is no)

and Aaron is also like “????” and Kevin just smiles for the king and then gives Aaron this look that says “try to ignore me now, you piece of shit” :))

So these 2 spend some quality time together and for a long time it’s basically just like that one part in SoA where Achilles is training and Pat goes I stepped forward. ‘’fight me.’’

There’s so much bickering and whatnot and, just like in SoA, they don’t even truly realize they’re falling for each other until the Big Bad Ocean Mom comes and tells Aaron to fuck off and then sends Kevin away to train with the horse dad, Wymack, to keep him safe.

Aaron follows him and Kevin is like “I knew you would come :)” and Aaron is like “shut the hell your mouth” and they finish their journey together.

and they fall in L

they fall in Love on that mountain.

just two bois dicking around and experiencing foolishly strong emotions where no one can stop them.

But Then Aaron’s past that he conveniently forgot to mention catches up with him when men come to tell them that it is time to die to fight Troy. Kevin is an amazing warrior and it’s expected that he go to fight in the war, but Aaron can hear his own blood pounding, because he Remembers something that he hopes everyone else might’ve forgotten.

He’d made a promise to Jean of Sparta. not a promise. A blood oath, to go to war for the most beautiful boy in the world if something like this ever happened. and now it was happening.

Kayleigh warns him that if Kevin goes to fight the trojans, he’ll die, but she cant elaborate anymore, aside from telling them that Jeremy will die first.

Who can kill Jeremy, though? N o   o n e. Kevin is the only swordsman good enough to best him, and why would he kill the devout trojan prince? he’s an honorable man. an admirable man,,, in fact, Kevin has heard so much about him, and he adores the prince,,

and What has Jeremy ever done to him?

Kayleigh tries one more time to save her son, spirits him away to an island at night,, weds him to a beautiful princess named Thea, they promise her a child and in return she disguises him as one of her lady dancers whom she calls her “ravens”

Aaron finds him though, recognizes him, because he would know those green eyes a n y w h e r e.

Thea invites Aaron to stay, too, says that the three of them could work something out. The two agree cautiously and they start to get comfortable, incorporating Thea into this thing that used to be just them 

But eventually men come and find them,,, find Aaron,, and they’re dragged off to Troy to fight with Riko and Ichirou,, one man determined to bring back his caged lover and one determined to seize the city.

It’s exciting at first, in that “we could die any second” sort of way. everything happening all at once, arrows and spears flying, swords clanging, and fire on the beach.

but Aaron watches from day one as Kevin loses himself. the way comes back to camp the very first day of battle covered in blood and sweat and grinning like he just won the world.

Something about it twists Aaron’s stomach, but he pushes it down because there’s only room right now to be glad that his love is alive and that they’ve successfully arrived and that maybe there is hope and the war will end with both of them on the other side of it, going home.

The night after that first battle, Aaron sees a trojan girl being handed off as a spoil of war, probably to Ichirou or Riko, and demands that Kevin take her as his prize. Kevin is high off the fighting still and doesn’t really question this.

The girl’s name is Katelyn and she’s eternally grateful to Aaron, but even warier than he is of Kevin’s lust for battle and glory.

Anyway.

time passes. years. Aaron and Katelyn save as many of the captured girls as they can, and they make a family and they get close, and one day Katelyn admits that she loves Aaron.

he’s shook.

But he’s not as shook over her feelings for him as he is over her justifications for why they should be together and forget Kevin.

“He’s a monster,” she tells him. “He’s not a person anymore. He doesn’t love you, he can’t, because he doesn’t know how to love.”

and that can’t be true, but it is, isn’t it?

he only knows how to fight and kill. he only feels the need for glory, and nothing else, doesn’t he?

When did it become like this? When did Aaron lose Kevin? a few months back? years? the day they arrived at Troy? earlier?

had he ever even really had Kevin? he’d never had him to himself, at least, had he? It was always Aaron and Glory. Kevin was born to be remembered, and they both knew it. and Kevin wanted it more than anything, didn’t he?

did he want glory more than he wanted Aaron?

but it’s like Kevin is reading his mind,, every time Aaron has these thoughts, Kevin is there, on top of him, kissing him, holding him, touching him with these burning hands that leave Aaron wanting more, more, more.

he’s driving Aaron crazy and Aaron is fine with it because they have each other and they’ll be back home together one day and that’s all that matters.

and then Riko pisses Kevin off,

and the gods see this story and how it ends, and some laugh at the tragedy of it, and some hurt for the poor souls involved.

Kevin won’t let his men fight anymore, and the Trojans are taking ground back and hope is lost, but Riko and Ichirou won’t swallow their pride, and neither will Kevin.

Aaron begs. “These are our friends,” he says, “if the trojans just see you, they’ll retreat”

“You’re letting them die,” he tells Kevin from down on his knees, “you could save them. please.”

his lover’s tears are enough to snap Kevin out of his rage, but not enough to make him fight. 

“You dont have to,” Aaron bargains, “let me ride out in your armor.”

[darling-i-fancy-you]

Colour Soulmate AU - Jughead X OC / Part 2

[LONG A/N: You guys asked for it so you guys got it, I don’t love it as much as the first part but this is as good as its gonna get cause I’ve wrote it and rewrote and then rewrote it again and then went to the SBC and asked them all about it (thanks @kingpendleton u my boo). So without further ado, here ya go bbs.

Also sorry if you wanted to be tagged in this but didn’t, I had a lot of people requesting to be tagged and now because tags aren’t really working well plus the amount of you asking is just a super crazy amount I’m going to stop adding new people to the list - honestly I totally appreciate and love your guys support but I feel like its a bit pointless when I know tagging isn’t directing anyone to my work and you’ve still just got to scroll through my blog to get to the specific fic. In light of this though I am going to seriously update my masterlist so finding my work shouldn’t be difficult and I will reblog it daily so people can stay up to date!]

Part 1

Word Count: 2106

‘Jughead, can you see in colour?’

The inky-haired teen quickly began to raise himself from the booth, he slammed shut his laptop and gathered it together with the papers that lay scattered across the table. He brought his knees up to his chest in a bid to jump over the back of the booth before a looming hand grappled his shoulder tightly.

‘Oh no you don’t buddy.’ Archie Andrews booming voice called out.

‘Let go of my shoulder Arch.’ Jughead replied sternly. ‘This is something that isn’t up for discussion.’

Erica’s gaze had shifted away from the view of the friends that sat around the booth, she stared intensely at the heart shape ring that sat upon her index finger as she vigorously twisted it around the cold and pale skin. She didn’t see how Jughead’s solemn stare flickered to and from her figure, or how Betty curiously contemplated the situation that had transpired, and she certainly didn’t see Veronica’s knowing smile.

At Jughead’s stern words and dark expression Archie’s hand eased upon the thinner teen’s shoulder, with ease Jughead shrugged the hand off completely and hopped out of the booth. His heavy boots stomped across the linoleum floor and left scuffed marks with the force. With a heavy pull the door was yanked open, it slammed loudly behind him as the tall boy left into the dark and bitter night. Three of the four teens remaining in the booth watched as his figure would briefly be illuminate under the harsh street lights, until eventually the inky night enveloped his body and he was no longer in sight.

‘Erica, do you have anything you want to tell us?’ Betty’s soft voice broke through the tension.

Erica spluttered, her pale freckled face was now adorned by a deep rose blush that stretched from underneath the dark layers that she wore. Her face nervously twitched, eyes not knowing where they were safe to land - they shifted from Betty, to Veronica, to Archie, before finally resting on the table. A pale brown milky residue lay stickily upon the surface, the last remaining remnants of Jughead Jones’ earlier presence.

‘Why would I have anything to say?’ Her voice came out in a heavy shake, she knew in her heart that the game was up.

‘Isn’t it just a little curious how he knew your exact eye-colour?’ Veronica teased.

‘What are you trying to say? - That I’m Jughead’s soulmate?’ Her voice was desperate, a silent plea to just leave all of this messiness alone, to let her heart fester in the hopeless pit that it had grown accustomed to.

‘No I’m saying that that much is pretty damn clear. I am asking however – is he your soulmate?’ Her voice was stern yet sincere.

Over the many years of friendship that the group had accumulated it had passed any of their notice the adoration that was shared between Erica Mars and Jughead Jones. Archie had always noticed from a young age how Jughead’s angst-ridden gazed could be softened just by the mere mention of Erica’s name. He had noticed how his smirk would shift into a smile whenever she laughed and he look with pride whenever one of his well-timed comments could induce a laugh that made her head fall all the way back. When he thought no one was watching Jughead could be found routinely to be watching Erica, transfixed by her every little move.

Silent conversations held between Jughead and Erica did not go unheard by Betty Cooper and Kevin Keller, they would always catch the quick shared glances, the small smirks or the mouthing of innocent jokes across the booth. Whenever Jughead’s exhaustion became too much for him to bear gently he’d rest his head on her shoulder and close his eyes momentarily; a gentle smile would don the lips of Erica, content with the comfort that she could offer. The group had been almost convinced that the fates had made a mistake when it came to Erica and Jughead and were disheartened to learn that they could only see in black and white. It was bittersweet to watch such an innocent love blossom in front them.

‘I’m not prepared to talk about this.’ Erica’s words almost mimicked those of Jughead, as did her actions as she gathered her belongings and swiftly jumped over the booth.

A light sprinkling of white snow was made its way down from the night sky, dancing in the streetlights and falling to the floor melting almost immediately as it hit the pavement. As she exited the diner small white flakes began to gather in her hair and upon her eyelashes, she lightly fluttered them in a bid to shake them off. Erica had one destination in mind as she stuffed her blueing hands into her jacket pockets and made her way down the dimly lit street - it was the one place she knew she’d find him.

-

Jughead Jones was thirteen years old and it had been a perfectly average day. Perfectly average until he had arrived home that afternoon from school, the house seemed eerily quiet, items were missing and from his view in the hallway he could see smashed glass strewn across the linoleum flooring in the kitchen.

That very night Gladys drove away into the moonlit sky with his sister Jellybean in tow, and although the world was already grey to the young Jughead Jones it somehow seemed that night to become much darker.

With his Dad was nowhere to be seen come seven o’clock and Jughead’s stomach was ferociously rumbling, he went to the only other place that felt like home – Pop’s Chok-Lit-Shoppe. It was there that he found one of his very best comrades, Erica Mars, perched at their designated booth.

‘Hey Jug.’ She smiled sadly as he slid into the booth opposite the young girl. Word travelled fast in Riverdale but if Erica knew anything it was only her smile that gave it away.

‘Did you order me a burger?’ He asked cheekily, his light tone told Erica all she needed to know – for tonight he didn’t want to talk about it.

‘Of course,’ she chuckled, ‘and a chocolate milkshake to match!’

The night continued in much the same manner she nudged him playfully under the table with her foot, and her exaggerated laughing had not gone unnoticed by Jughead. The weight of the world fell from his shoulders as she sat there snorting at one of his poorer jokes and stealing a handful of fries. In that moment the harsh fluorescent lights blinked and captured the emerald from her eyes. Jughead blinked momentarily and when his eyes reopened a pair of bright and curious eyes shone back at him. It all seemed so simple, her wide and earnest smile dazzled back at him as he watched on in awe as colour bled into her face. The electric red of the neon signs flickered and illuminated her pale skin, a smattering of ginger freckles bridged Erica’s nose and her smiling mouth blossomed into a rosy grin.

In that moment at Pop’s it had seemed so simple, a lifetime with Erica Mars was something that Jughead could invest in, the only pressing matter seemed to be whether she would or rather did see things as he did. Just as it happens in Fairy-Tales however the clock struck midnight and Mr Tate ushered the two youngsters out into the parking-lot, informing them that he had rang their parents to come and pick them up.

Parents.

Reality hit Jughead like a tonne of bricks just as the warm summer-night air hit his face. The humidity in the air stuck to the walls of his lungs like a thick paste and the dread that he had avoided for the majority of the night clung heavily to his heart.

His parents, he thought, were supposed to be soulmates – and soulmates, he thought, were supposed to be forever.

He lay that night in bed, once his drunken father had picked him up in an old beaten-down unfamiliar car, and thought about himself and Erica. He listened as his father slammed open draws and smashed the last remaining photographs that hung on the walls of their family home.

If this was what having a soulmate did to you, Jughead concluded, then he didn’t want to have one.

-

The ladder creaked under her weight as she climbed her way up to the roof of the small building. The sound meant she had already alerted him to her presence but he hadn’t bothered to take a look at whoever was joining him on the roof of his old abode. His neck curved heavily downwards, his chin almost touching his chest as he sat in solemn contemplation.  

‘Hi.’ Came the soft almost inaudible voice, over powered by the cold wind that whipped at her hair.

Hesitantly she made the careful journey towards the other side of the roof and perched herself alongside the boy; the roof was wet from the melting snow and the moisture soaked up into her jeans. She shivered at the feeling but tried to push it towards the back of her mind, there were bigger things to be concerned over right now.

‘I only used to show black and white movies here so I could forget. So I could pretend for a short time that my life wasn’t a complicated and clichéd disaster.’ His voice shook as the cold embedded itself in his body. ‘It’s the same reason I only wear blacks and greys.’

‘That’s deep.’ She joked, trying to relieve some of the built up tension.

Erica’s teeth chattered against themselves and her petite frame shook in the painful chill, without hesitation Jughead extended his long arm and pulled her into his body. Despite the awkward confusion that lay in each of the others minds the action felt natural – they melded together almost perfectly. Erica looked up at the boy who continued to stare into the snowy abyss, the white dust sat lightly in the places where cars once parked, where fun was once had and many memories made.

The cold wind bit at Jughead cheeks and nose which were now a furious shade of red and crystals began to form on his long dark eyelashes. A pink tongue slipped from between blue lips and swiped vigorously at the chapped and dry skin before his lips opened and let out a frosty breath of air.

‘After my parents split, the notion of this whole soulmate crap it terrified me, it’s why I never-’ His sentence trailed off into a void of uncertainty.

Blue eyes met brown ones, crestfallen stares shared between them. Erica scanned Jughead’s eyes; when illuminated by the bright screen of his laptop they appeared washed out, all hints of the shining blue gone and instead replaced with a static grey. They were tired from the endless staring and writing, yet electric from the copious amounts of coffee and sugar he would have consumed – a walking contradiction. In the dim yellow light of her bedroom, during the lazy nights watching clichéd horror film after horror film, his eyes were almost emerald or perhaps turquoise – she could never quite decide. Yet sat here in their age old spot on the roof of shack at the drive-in, the midnight sky casting dark shadows along his nose and jaw, his eyes were the deepest blue she had ever seen. She had never considered Jughead’s icy blue eyes to be warm, it was an adjective that she felt was better left to be associated with Archie or Veronica’s deep brown eyes, but tonight in this bitter cold they were the warmth she was so desperately searching for.

Under her intense scrutinizing gaze, Jughead’s stare narrowed.

‘What?’ The question wasn’t intrusive or harsh, it was barely above a whisper and left through a mouth that hardly parted as it spoke.

Erica sighed into the cold air, her warm breath mingled with frosty night.

‘Blue.’ She almost mumbled. ‘Your eyes are blue Jug.’

In the pale glow of the stars and the moonlight two shadows drew themselves closer and closer to each other, the larger figure lifted up his long fingers and rested them gently along the others jaw. Two pairs of lips met, crystal flakes trapped between them, it was chaste and brief – a silent promise that alluded to the future they were certain to share together. Their foreheads pressed against one and other, hot breaths of air were formed by the gentle laughs they shared before they evaporated into the midnight sky.

In time each would tell their story.

-

Tag List

@nadya0128 @audreyxhorne @superoriginalteenwolf @sparklingriverdale @livierinforeva@iwannadiehere  @lostinpercyseyes @every-day-is-wednesday @mysticmurder@assonanceambiance@murderyoursoul @fuck-i-dont-care-anymore’t-care-anymore @satanwithstardust @itsjaynebird@phanofmydreams @pendletonthethird @doktorswho@frickflop @kingpendleton @an-enigmatic-avenger @captainjacksparkles@casismyguardianangel @lost-in-wonderland-x @the-winter-imagines @multiversegalaxygirl@lumiele @ineedtoorganizemybookshelf @florenceivy@yazminmcd @wishingtobelost@gottalovetheapocalypse @httpjugheadjones@whatsbetterthanfantasy @shameless-danni@caitsymichelle13 @iamthe80strash  @ri-verdale@divastar777 @mcheung0314@jamiemcrimmon @imanangelyouidjit@virusiswhatiam@chilloutenya @kashfghjkl@fizzylollipop12@imperfectanatomy

[jojen-hewitt]

“Better luck next time.”

Bank Robber AU for @ambiguous-eyepatch for the Valentines @aftgexchange!

I had a lot of fun drawing these and I hope you like it! 😃

I realized too late that this wasn't exactly what you meant by your prompt, sorry about that, but I hope it's still okay!

The rest of my mini-fic/headcanons/ramblings about this AU are below the cut:

Okay, so right off the bat I got a little carried away with this AU and its way longer than I thought it'd be, so tldr version; Andrew and Neil are rival thieves who sometimes help each other out. Neil gives fake names, Andrew finds him interesting. Two finger salutes are used back and forth. The others make appearances. Neil's a little shit to Riko. Totally impractical, illegal, and very convenient scenarios ensue. Exactly what you'd expect from what was supposed to be a Bank Robber AU but turned more into a Cat Burglar AU. Again, sorry about that!

So, *rolls up sleeves*

Andrew, Aaron, and Nicky are a gang of thieves (Aaron is the tech/medic guy, Andrew's the thief, Nicky is usually the distraction/get away driver). The three of them have been doing this since the twins were in high school. ("It's expensive raising two twin boys as a single parent. Especially when one has expensive tastes in cars and the other wants to be a doctor!" "For the last time Nicky, stop telling people we're your kids!!")

Although Andrew has been doing this on his own for a while (it's how he got himself thrown into juvie)

Neil takes to becoming a thief after his mom died. They still went on the run because they stole from his father, so he thought that would be the best way to keep up some kind of income. He changes name and appearance to avoid police and his father (heads up now, this is the last time Nathan's mentioned, didn't know how else to add him).

Neil threw his outfit together at a thrift store (Orange was the only colour of bandana left, ok).

Andrew of course bought nice, expensive, dark clothes that can blend easily in a crowd. Also to make him look ninja like, not like anyone but Nicky would dare to admit it though.

These two first meet at the Hernandez Museum in Arizona. Neil tries to steal a painting; Andrew whacks him in the gut with his poster portfolio before grabbing the painting and high tailing it outta there, (Not before he gets a fake name from Neil (probably Stefan)),

"Better luck next time." *two finger salute*

As Neil moves on to South Carolina, sometimes the orange gets recognized, so the papers have taken to calling him The Fox ("Really, Matt? That's what they call him?" "Yeah, you know, orange face mask and he's a thief. Dan came up with it. Makes sense if you ask me.")

Side note, Neil is Matt's new roommate and Matt has no clue what's going down, but accepts that his roomie runs at weird hours and prefers to keep things surface level in conversation. They're still bffs during the day when their schedules intersect.

Dan, the investigative reporter interested in this string of robberies, lives with Renee next door to the cousins, those shifty looking guys who are always angrily whispering in German at each other and coming and going at weird times, but Nicky seems nice enough and Dan thinks Renee has a thing for Andrew, (she does not, they just spar together once a week, and Renee may or may not teach Andrew some lock picking techniques... maybe), so they let it go. 

Allison is a close friend of the girls and owns some of the valuables/buildings that get targeted. She's sort of confused when some of these items return a few weeks after Dan reports about them stolen, with a fox sticky note attached

(Neil may steal for a living, but he feels bad when he finds out some of that stuff is hers, so returns the more sentimental items. Andrew does not.)

Kevin is the detective trying to catch these thieves with his new partner - Andrew, who uses info to get a good location/hit or cover his trail. (also puts that criminal justice degree to some use).

*I debated making Kevin a security guard but liked the idea of Andrew being his partner while also being the criminal they're trying to catch dynamic better*

Kevin eventually joins up with Andrew's crew because Riko (Kevin's old partner, also on the robberies case) just took things way too far and sort of snapped, almost injuring Kevin. He won't take part in the robberies himself, but he'll help give a lead or distract the attention of the other officers when Andrew needs it. (He just wants Andrew to help keep him from Riko again.)

Kevin takes his job very seriously, but when he finds out Neil, an old childhood acquaintance, is The Fox he warns him to run before more trouble starts up with Riko (Neil does not, he's found a life here, even if some of its a lie, and he's gonna fight for it).

Kevin starts drinking around this time. (seriously, all he wanted was to be a good detective like his mom and dad, now he's covering for two thieves he's supposed to be apprehending for lord knows what reason)

Seth is a security guard who Nicky takes great pleasure in knocking out (he overheard the guy said some shitty things about gay people while they were staking out the place earlier)

Erik is the cousins' international seller.

Wymack is the police chief/commissioner and doesn’t get paid enough.

Now back to the thieving.

Neil keeps running into this guy at his heists and it turns into a sort of one sided rivalry of Neil trying to case the joint before Andrew gets there.

It barely works, Andrew always beats him there, but he gets better at it. (and someone would be lying if they said Andrew doesn't wait sometimes to see if the Fox shows up)

Neil's taken to calling Andrew the Monster because Allison hates whoever keeps stealing her stuff (also, getting hit by a portfolio tube hurts, Andrew, of course he's gonna think you're a monster at first) but after one time he hears Aaron yelling over Andrew's earpiece, he extends the title to "the Monsters".

which is also roughly when Andrew gives him some sort of name in return to Neil's alias (Chris this time around) because this has been going on for months now.

Andrew eventually makes a deal with him to help each other out because this thief is a train wreck and is gonna get them caught eventually (Andrew will keep the police off his tail and Neil just has to help Andrew with some of the trickier robberies).

Andrew tends to chat a little with this weird Fox named Alex or Stefan or Chris or Duncan or whoever he is today, just 'cause these robberies have started to bore him, but this,

this guy is something interesting

And they start to learn little seemingly inconvenient things about each other

("Oh, there's knives in those? Good to know." "Your mom's dead? Same for my brother. Paid for my car." "Favourite color is grey actually!" "You're more a raccoon than a fox." "Actually my family never celebrated holidays. What brings you to a jewelry store on Thanksgiving?" "I don't like being touched." "Tell your friend that I can in fact understand what he's saying in German... And fuck him too." "Ice cream is the best goddamn food in the world and I will gut you for saying otherwise!")

... Ok, last one is more context than verbatim, but you get the point...

As he gets better, Neil starts to leave little fox sticky notes behind with insults towards Detective Moriyama (because fuck that guy, he keeps bad mouthing The Fox in the news and saying it'd be easy to catch "an amateur like this flea"!!)

Kevin and Andrew have mini heart attacks when they find them ("why agree to my protection when you clearly have a death wish?!")

Eventually, Neil has perfected the art to the point where he can get the item/money before Andrew arrives, but against his better judgement (and the screams of his mother in his head to "Just run! Run! Get out of there while you can!") he stays, even just to leave Andrew with a new fake name.

One of these nights Neil almost gets caught by Riko on patrol, (who is still rather enraged by the last note; how does the Fox even know about his daddy issues?), so he has to change his appearance last minute to not get recognized on the streets.

Matt is the most surprised by the new auburn hair and blue eyes, but again, he rolls with it. Recommends that his girlfriend's roommate is really good with dying hair if he wants to mix it up again though.

Andrew and Aaron get into some trouble (*cough*Drake*cough*) so the Monsters are out of commission for a while.

Neil feels slightly responsible (somehow his tip off to Andrew leads to it, I don't know).

They haven't seen each other since that night.

Andrew eventually gets back into the swing of things ("Andrew are you sure..?" "Yes Nicky, now get in the fucking car.")

One night Kevin gets him a tip off about an opportunity at the EVRMR Private Bank (inside info from Jean who just so happens to hate working there and the Moriyamas, who own the place).

So as Andrew makes his way to the roof, he hears something below (hurried foot steps from all too familiar worn out shoes below) and he takes a glance and sees a flash of orange.

And there's that bothersome shadow who was only supposed to be a brief distraction from routine,

but now he's got a slightly new look and what appears to be a duffle full of what's supposed to be Andrew's cash.

Neil senses eyes on him and sees a figure on the roof and just knows.

Cue two finger salute. "Better luck next time!!"

And he's gone.

(Andrew still checks the vault and finds a fox sticky note that says 'Abram')

*cue Aaron's screams of annoyance and Nicky's demands to know if this guy is at least hot if they keep letting him take their marks*

(Kevin probably is downing a vodka bottle somewhere, but that's a given)

Next day, Riko is out for blood. Jean eventually quits and goes to work at the Trojan Bank.

Later, Dan decides to throw a house party for reasons (maybe a successful article? Matt got a promotion? A doomed attempt to get Renee and Andrew together?)

Renee calmly asks Andrew to come and he agrees for the sake of free booze (also Nicky has been making annoying puppy dog faces at the door ever since Dan asked him and he had to say no)

He's bored and tired and hates that his boss and Kevin are there

(Dan spends so much time hounding the police station for stories that Wymack has essentially adopted her)

Then Matt comes in with a quiet, auburn haired roommate called Neil.

That's when things start to get interesting.

[iamnotthedog]

YOSEMITE: JULY 5, 2001

On the night of the full moon—the fifth of July, I think it was—I had been back in the park for an entire week, and I still hadn’t looked for work. I hadn’t done anything except sit by the river, really. I had been high ever since Bronco Bill had lit that first joint, and I needed something to shake me out of my general feeling of malaise. I was thinking about that when Chloe found me by the river and told me to come with her—a bunch of people were going up to the high country to summit Mount Dana.1

There were ten of us on the hike. John joined Chloe and I, along with a really loud and hilarious little curly-haired Italian-looking guy named Michael who had just arrived in the park from Los Angeles, and six of Chloe’s friends who had made the journey out to Yosemite with her from her hometown. Adam was a wild drunk who looked like a mini Jesus. The American version of Jesus, you know: long brown hair, scruffy beard, thin, handsome face, brilliant eyes, long, skinny fingers that he was always pointing at things in a meaningful way. I had seen occasional sparks of brilliance from Adam over the course of the past month, mostly due to the fact that he always wanted to cut the bullshit small talk and really have conversations with people. He had a tendency to go a little overboard with the booze, and he’d get sloppy and break shit and black out a lot of the time, but I really liked him, anyway. The other guys all seemed pretty alright, as well, but I really hadn’t had a chance to get to know ‘em yet at that point. Two very tall and somewhat similar-looking brown-haired guys with unshaven chins were both always taking photographs. They were really into music and records—a lot of good hip hop and old school R&B—and they seemed to love skateboarding, and both were obviously in love with all their friends—there was a deep hometown bond there. Their names were Matt and Kevin. Kevin had a girlfriend named Morgan who was a tall blonde, quiet and shy with a soft smile. She dressed straight out of the ‘60s—flowing blouses and patchwork pants, and she always wore these thick hemp necklaces with little beads of glass woven into them. She was along for the hike, too. Then there was this short, skinny young man named Tim, always smiling. He was training to become a park ranger and had a bottle of red wine in his hand nearly every time I saw him. He was Adam’s cousin. And the ninth person was actually Chloe’s brother Travis. Travis was another smart one. Handsome and contemplative. Whenever he drank, everything he said became a cryptic message of some sort. He would look out through his glasses, off into nothingness, and make comments about life that didn’t really fit with anything going on at the time. But behind all those mysterious little mutterings he seemed to have a really deep sort of understanding of the way things are.

We all rambled up the side of the mountain, up above the tree line, at one point hiking over a big snow field where I saw a couple of marmots chasing each other around and digging little tunnels in the snow. Chloe and John were way up ahead of the pack—just a couple of dots on the massive dome of granite above. Behind them were Matt and Kevin. Michael was just ahead of me, and was talking the whole time—yelling, really—just saying complete nonsense to whoever would listen. No one could hear him, but he just kept talking, anyway. And back behind me were Tim and Morgan. Travis was behind them—still so far back that it looked like he hadn’t even started the damned climb yet. We all eventually hung out just below the summit for a while, right after we had cleared the snow field, and we waited for everyone to come together so we could hike the last bit of the trail up to the summit together. Then we got to the top of the mountain just as the sun was setting in the west and the moon was rising in the east. After a good fifteen minutes of silence—all of us staring in awe at the red globe sinking and the white globe rising, with all of Yosemite and Mono Lake and the Great Basin spread out before us—Michael produced a plump bag of psilocybin mushrooms, and the night took on the feel of a pilgrimage to Mecca.

I sat and looked out over the rocks, out to Mono Lake, while Chloe and all of her old friends reminisced about the last time they had all tripped together. I felt a little strange hanging out with such a large group of people who had all known each other since they were babies—I almost wished I had stayed behind—but John didn’t seem to care, and Michael was completely oblivious to everything. So I just sat there and went along with all of it and secretly hoped the reminiscences and the inside jokes would stop after we all started losing our minds.

John sat next to me. He was wearing this long skirt-like thing that I guess you could call a sarong—a sarong is a length of fabric with a pattern on it, worn by men and women all over the world (Southeast Asia, the Arabian Peninsula, the Horn of Africa, the Pacific islands), but not usually in the United States. It looked pretty ridiculous when matched up with John’s Led Zeppelin t-shirt and his thick white socks and hiking boots. But who gave a shit, really? He was his own man. He took off his boots and pulled a pair of jeans on under his skirt, saying something about his testicles being frozen. I patted him on the leg.

��I haven’t tripped in a year,” I said. “Last summer, in San Francisco. It started out fun, but ended in a nightmare.”

He clapped me on the back, “Well, we aren’t in the city right now, are we?” He spread his arms out to the sides. “We’re on top of the world, man. This’ll be fun.”

We all ate the mushrooms with gloved hands, amongst excited chatter and the constructing of a sleeping bag shelter alongside the wind shelter, where we could curl up together and stay warm all night despite the wind. After thirty or forty minutes, most members of the party had abandoned our shelter, and were wandering off to the edges of our sloping, moon-lit plateau as the last bit on sunlight disappeared from the furthest reaches of the sky. Kevin stood and stretched his hands to the sky and said “Fuck me,” over and over again, breathlessly—in genuine awe. Michael got into a wrestling match with his sleeping bag that ended up lasting the rest of the night, while Chloe and I both crawled into one sleeping bag, zipped it up around the both of us, and leaned against the wind shelter, our limbs entwined for a few minutes or so before we unzipped the bag and our limbs exploded out of it in all directions. We both mumbled under our breath, rapidly and incoherently, about claustrophobia and such, then we smiled open-mouthed smiles at one another and melted back into ourselves outside the confines of the bag, free to move our limbs through mountain air, which felt like an icy syrup on my skin.

Once the mushrooms took full hold, everyone but Michael settled in and quieted for a short while, watching the moon rise as our bodies soaked in a warm bath of psilocybin. Michael continued his wrestling match with his sleeping bag—laughing and squealing like a hyena, zipping and unzipping the bag, wrapping it around him then taking it off, lying down in it, then standing, then lying down again. He seemed to think that he was putting on quite the comedy show for all of us, but I can’t recall a single person paying him any mind. We were all lost in our own heads, our own visions. At one point, it seemed like we were losing any possibility for socialization for the entire night, so I decided to speak up. I was always thinking of myself as some kind of spiritual leader when it came to getting stoned back then. I could probably be pretty annoying at times. But I really wanted to attempt to ease everyone towards a sort of reverence for the drug, hoping to calm Michael and put us all in the right state of mind. So I started talking:

“You all know that feeling you get when your thoughts just stop, and you aren’t thinking of anything, but you also aren’t thinking about not thinking? You’re just there? An empty shell of a body, and your mind exists outside that body?” No one said anything to this, but they all turned to look at me, their dilated pupils glittering in the moonlight. “Have any of you ever felt that way? I’ve only been there once, when I was back at my parents’ house in Morrison for a week, and I was lying in my childhood bed and trying to get to sleep by counting my breaths. I fell into this intense meditative state, and had this out-of-body experience—I suppose that’s the only way to put it, but it wasn’t really out-of-body at all. I looked at my hands, and they weren’t even my hands. My body was literally just this empty vessel, and my mind was occupying it, sure—my mind was looking through my eyes like they were the windshield of a car, but my mind could have just as easily been outside the car. It could have been anyone else’s mind at that point.”

No one had a reply to this but Morgan. Her voice sounded strange. Alien. You could tell she was really out there. “There were people out there in the Saharan Desert ten thousand years ago who lived that way all the time,” she said. “There are these engravings in southeast Algeria of hammer-headed people in robes, running with mushrooms in their hands, and there are parallel lines connecting the mushrooms to the tops of their heads. I saw pictures of ‘em in an art history class. We all thought our professor was lame, but then she showed us pictures of these engravings, and she got all weird, and she told us how her husband and her got a divorce after they ate mushrooms together, because they realized while tripping that they were only staying together to satisfy a cultural construction—not out of any sort of genuine love. She said that the trip opened her to her love of all living things, and that the possessiveness of her husband was stifling that love.”

There was another moment of silence—everyone seemingly reaching a state of contemplation—but right when I thought that Morgan finally had them all, Michael lit a flashlight, yelled, “This fucking thing! Gahhh!” and continued wrestling with his sleeping bag. John looked over at me and shrugged his shoulders, then started rolling a joint. Chloe and the others all laughed at Michael, and the group fell back into restlessness.

“We need a fire!”

“We do need a fire.”

“A couple of us should hike down and find some sticks.”

“Fuck me.”

“We’re on a goddamned mountain, man.”

“There aren’t any sticks up here.”

“What the fuck is that?”

“What?”

“Is that a bear?”

“Where?”

“There aren’t any bears up here, either.”

“Right there! Over by those boulders.”

“We should start drinking pretty soon.”

“Motherfucker, you think a bear is going to come up here?”

“I’m hungry.”

“That is a bear.”

“You couldn’t eat right now if you tried.”

“That’s a shadow.”

“Who brought beer?”

“No one needs to eat ever, man.”

“I still can’t figure out how to open this sleeping bag.”

“A bear might come up here if he knew about the smoked salmon in my pack.”

“I’ve got a bottle of red wine.”

“You brought salmon up a fuckin’ mountain?”

“That is definitely something down there.”

“We need to start a fire.”

“Something living. There! It just moved again.”

“If we started a fire up here it would blow all over the goddamned high country.”

“That isn’t smoked salmon, it’s beef jerky.”

“Yeah, we aren’t starting a fire.”

“Can someone help me?”

“Maybe it’s a person.”

“Look at it! It’s huge.”

“God damn it, somebody help me.”

“Let’s burn Dominic’s sleeping bag.”

“I paid nine dollars for beef jerky?”

“That is definitely a bear.”

“You guys are idiots.”

“Salmon is bear food.”

“I can’t feel my feet.”

I leaned back and looked up into the sky. My muscles had all relaxed to the point of feeling like I had gelatin flowing under my skin, and I was able to focus on that feeling, shut out the activity around me, and become absorbed by my breaths—each one becoming more all-encompassing than the last until I could literally feel each inhalation bringing oxygen into my blood stream. I eventually stood—slowly, deliberately—and left our pile of bodies and sleeping bags. I went to sit in the wind shelter alone, where I had a hallucination—not really a full-on twisting and disorienting psychedelic experience, but more of a widening of the lens—in which I saw all of the land around us as that heaving mountain of ice from my dream. Everything was ice—one big glacier that spread east and north, away from the eastern escarpment of the Sierra Nevada, out over the Great Basin, east over the deserts of Nevada and the salt flats of northern Utah, over the Great Plains and the vast fields of corn and wheat and all the way out over Morrison, Illinois, and Chicago, over all of Wisconsin and Michigan and up over the Allegheny Plateau and Pennsylvania and New York, up to the forests of Vermont and Maine and New Brunswick and Nova Scotia and out into the Atlantic. It also stretched north through the mountains of eastern California and over Lake Tahoe, up over the string of National Forests that stretches from the Sierra Nevada up through central Oregon and up into Washington and through the North Cascades and into Canada. All of it was ice. There were no trees, no cities, no people. Everything had been obliterated—or possibly nothing had ever existed at all—all was a heaving mountain of ice, moving, sculpting the land. And the ice stretched from our spot up there on that mountain in that cold alpine evening with the moon so bright up above just like it stretched from the porch of the cabin in my dream, where I had watched it countless times—I had watched it heave in the rain just beyond the swaying pines while Don dressed himself in a steamy bathroom and a naked woman slept soundly in a bed next to a framed picture of me as a little boy.

After what seemed like hours, I slowly became aware of the others again.2

Michael’s drugged giggles began to make me feel almost sick to my stomach as I continued to attempt to focus on my vision—to focus on the ice that had connected everything, here with there, the past with the present—but my disgust was more with myself than with him. He was just enjoying himself, goofing around, enjoying the high. But I had closed myself off; I had shut myself out, retreated within my own obsessions. I couldn’t stand the fact that we were on this mountain, experiencing this one and only life, and all I could think about was the passage of time. Death. Then I had the absurd and egotistical idea that none of the others seemed to know or care that we were dying, and that made me really, really sad. I didn’t want to be alone anymore. I didn’t want to be scared. And I certainly didn’t want to be depressed. So I joined the others, laughed at Michael and his goddamned sleeping bag, hugged Chloe, and all of it felt fake.

I wanted to jump off the side of the mountain.

 Despite being the second tallest mountain in Yosemite, with an elevation of 13,061 feet, Mount Dana is a relatively easy mountain to summit. The trailhead is at the Tioga Pass Yosemite Park Entrance, and it is a three mile hike to the summit, with a rise in elevation of only about three thousand feet. From the summit, there are views of much of Yosemite National Park, as well as the strange and beautiful volcanic Mono Lake and the Mono Lake Basin, and there are the remnants of a very old granite wind shelter which houses a small aluminum box with notes in it from hikers through the years. One of the notes is from Gary Snyder. ↩︎

 Psilocybin is believed to affect prefrontal cortex activity in the brain, as the prefrontal cortex plays a large role in time perception. Studies on people tripping on mushrooms have demonstrated that the drug impairs a subject’s ability to gauge time intervals longer than a couple of seconds, thereby causing him or her to believe that time is standing still, or that hours have gone by when only a few minutes have passed. ↩︎

[thesecretlifeofkelseybeatty]

Life on Standby - Brenden Daze,

Life  on standby.

August 1st 2010

We have 23 days left until school starts and I don't know weather to be excited, or discouraged. I don't want to be a sophomore. At all. Time is slipping by too fast. I wish i could pause everything once in awhile.

i feel like i need to become a more entergetic person. Live and love life more, ya know? I think I'm going to ask the doctor about some medicine again, and just see what she says. Dang it. That's tomorrow  D: Ugh.

Okay so today Brooke and I had a much needed get together today. Mom and I went to go pick her up. It was pretty much a silent car ride so she after we got out of the car she asked why. I told her about the night before and how Ryan got caught and everything. Not everything everything, just the nesceties. We were going to ride our bikes to the pool so we decided to get changed. She went into the bathroom, and my mom walked in the room. She started cring and hugged me. I felt so bad for her. I love her so much. Later that day me and Brooke went to the Greenleaf Village Pool, bike rode to Cold Stone and then rode to CVS and sat on their floor and looked at magazines for about an hour. It was relaxing…. this reminds me. I need to bring that Cold Stone Guy his $1.68 back. Crapppp, I need to do that tomorrow. Anyyyyways, then I went to soccer, and Lauren came over. I didn't tell her about Ryan.

Later tonight Tanner was texting me and then eventually just called me. I guess he heard from Caitlyn Mcquin that I 'liked' Andrew Combs for awhile and he was asking me if I liked bad boys.. I told him that I used to. But that I was really happy that Brenden wasn't like that because I was trying to turn over a new leaf. I told him about Cory, and how much of a douche he was, and how he tried to force me into doing stuff with him. I told Tanner that I was glad that Brenden wasn't like that. He asked what all I had done, and I told him. He said he wouldn't tell Brenden though. He said that Brenden had a lot of doubts if I actually liked him or not. I told him I would reasure him. Cause I honestly do like him a lot. I feel like me and him were kinda put on this path for a reason. Like with the whole birthday thing, the dog thing, the Felix/Yannik thing. God has some kind of plan. I can feel it already. As for the whole me and him kissing thing, I just told Tanner that if it happens then it happens. That I kind of want to wait and get to know him better but it's whatever if we don't. And then Tanner told me something really interesting. He said that I should talk to Brenden about everything that I've done with guys and like my past and all. Because apparently Brenden has been through some crap too. Which oh my lord, I freaking have telepathy because I was just telling Brooke that I thought he was hiding something. Apparently Brenden had been involved with a court hearing that went on for over a year ? He didn't tell me a lot about it. And honestly I'm glad he didn't I want to hear the real story from Brenden. Ha, Tanner is such a good friend. He is always looking out for people. And always knows exactly what to say. That kid's pretty great if I do say so myself.

I hope Brenden's not doing anything tomorrow because at this point I really want him to come over. I hope he can come in my room. Haha. I don't know why that's such a big deal to me.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 3rd 2010

I chickened out at the doctors office the other day. I don't know why. My doctor is just kind of intimidating, I guess. I was just glad that I didn't have to get any shots. Thank Jesuss. Oh, and Cold Stone. Ugh. I forgot about that too. I bet that guy thinks that me and Brooke just ran for it. Haha, he was such a weird guy though. I really hope when we eventually do pay him back then I don't have to give the money to the fat flirt. Hm, that's mean. I probably shouldn't say that. I really am such a bitch these days.. ? Okay so after the doctor today me and my dad went out for lunch at Frishes, it was really nice. And needed. I really do love him. It just always feels like he is so consumed with Ryan and his life that he sometimes forgets about the rest of us. I honestly hope that we can become close.  I mean everyone has their faults, but my dad really is a cool guy. When my mom got home from work we went and picked up Jenny and Lindsay to go boating with Megan and her dad at Ceasers Creek. Alyssa, Megan, Jenny, Lindsay Brydon, and me all went. Tubing is so much fun, but I got a lot of bruises from it today. Ha, Brenden went to the Scream the Prayer concert tonight, and he said that when he was moshing he thinks that he might have broken some kids nose. Ha, poor kid! I would be so pissed at him, but apparently he was really cool about it. I think it's weird that he saw Erica there and she didn't even talk to him. I really wonder why she's so different online than she is in person. I should text her. Anyways, it's 12:06 and I gotta work tomorrow, sooo I'm thinking that I should probably go to bed now. Brenden's coming over tomorrow too, (:  Hopefully I can talk to him.. about everything.. well see though.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 4, 2010

I went to work, and got my eyes dilated today, Brenden didn't come over. I'm to tired to write anything else.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 5th, 2010

t's really annoying when you get off work early but you can't go home, and you can't go to Barenes and Noble and you forgot your phone at home and there's nothing better to do than sit in the car and write about nonsense. Oh well. Apparently were getting a cat today? Well, not we, more like Ryan is, but still! A cat :D He wants to name it Brenden.. and the cat is a girl. Hahaha. What a werido. I really like Hannah Combs, she like for real inspirational. She makes me want to do something great with my life. Honestly, I think I want to start designing clothes. Sewing is so theripuitical, I love it. And honestly this is something that I've wanted to do since I was like in the second grade when I cut up these once jeans and decided to make a purse out of it. I don't know. I'm gonna see if Debbie could help me make a homecoming dress, that would be the start (: And I need to re-learn how to start my mom's sewing machine so I can actually do some work at the house too. We'll see. I feel like in every entry there is always something about Brenden. Wow, I'm kind of a creep. You would think that we have been dating for years or something. But no, I just fall hard. Really hard. And even though I hate to admit it, I am a creep. It's actually kind of sad. I need to go to the library today. I want to see if they actually have CD's that I would like there. Omg, and if they do the library will soon become my new favorite place. / I need to finish The Catcher And The Rye. That book honestly freaks me out. It reminds me of Ryan's life a little bit. I feel like it helps me understand how guys react when they are depressed. They'll never admit it. They just run from it. Holden and Ryan have that in common. I've been mean to him lately. I should start trying again. I love that kid.. Mom's here. Were going to Staup to get school clothes. Mmm.

Laterrr;

I was looking through my mothers text messages today. It was random. I wasn't really snooping just bored and that was something to do. But I found text messages from Avery to my mom. She said that Ryan was speeding the night at Kevin Kash's. He never even goes over there. I think it's kinda sad that Avery can straight up lie to my mother. I don't know. I'd probably do the same thing if I had their lives.

August 6th 2010

I hate texting, with so much passion.. I never know what to say and then i always make these weird awkward long pauses, and i feel like I'm such an idiot. Well I guess i kinda am for making such a simple thing such a big deal though.. I don't know. Honestly though, I think me and Brenden have something, and I'm really just afraid I'm going to jack it up. I really don't want to jack it up. Why in the world would he like someone like me? I truly just do not understand. Anyways though, I guess a lot of things have happened since the last time that I updated you. We got the cat (: Her name is Cat.. very original right isn't it? No. Actually she was already named when we got her so Ryan just wanted to keep the name. Oh, and the other thing that I just wanted to state. The whole michael incident.

August 7th 2010

I really don't know what God wants. He lied to me. Would he lie to me again? I'm confused, so freaking confused. I thought he was a good kid. I thought he was going to be different one, the one who made me a good kid again. He asked me tonight if me knowing about his past changed anything. I just told him it only made it better. Why would I say that. Why in the world would I tell him that. This changes everything. I don't even know if I want to like him anymore.. I hate this whole deciding free will crap. I really don't know what God wants for me. Does he want me to stay with Brenden and just be there for him and try to help him? Or does he want me to dropkick him to the curb just so that he knows I'm fully devoted to him. ? I don't know… I told Brenden he could trust me, so I 'm not going to even say what he did. I'll keep it to myself. I really don't even know how I feel right now, or where I stand. I don't even think he likes me anyways. ):

Oh, and I puked again tonight. Right before he came over. Joy.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 8th 2010

I really hate myself so much. I don't know why I think and act like I'm such an angel all the time. I'm not at all. Atleast Ryan can be trusted. At least he doesn't lie to his friends just to take anvangtage of someone. I really hate myself so much. I'm a psychopathic lier and I can't be trusted. Why would I do that to someone who I love so much. I'm such a jerk. I don't deserve to be able to talk to him. I guess it's every person for themselves. I can't trust, and I can't be trusted. I'm going to keep brenden's secret. And if I don't. Then I don't deserve him or anyone else anyways.

I need to tell Brenden the truth about my past. The truth about Felix, the truth about everything. I don't know if I can. I don't even know if I know the real truth I've lied so many times.

it was only three months and a half months. He came at the end of August, left in the middle of November. That was the worst Thanksgiving I have ever had. When I first saw him I automatically knew that it wasn't a good idea for him to be here. He was 17 and I was only 11. From that very first cookout I knew I would start liking him. A couple weeks after he had been staying here I found out that he was a cutter. I feel like that was one thing that most deffinately brought us closer. We were both depressed out of our minds. We were each others therapy. We didn't even have to talk about what we were depressed about. We would just talk about anything and it would make us feel alive, like we were real people. He made me feel like a real person. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. He truely ment everything to me. And I'm still not over him. I never want to date anyone else because I feel like it's unfair to them. I'm always comparing them to Felix. Like with Cory. I didn't even like Cory. I just wanted to feel loved again. And even though he said that he loved me, I always knew it was a lie. He just wanted someone to  someone to take advantage of. But I was okay with that. I honestly don't think that i will love anyone ever again. It sucks. It really sucks.

Oh my freaking lord, im such a freak.

Later;

Brenden: Hey!

Me: Hey, what's up?

Brenden: Just watching tv, you?

Me: Talking to kelly on the phonee, lol.

Brenden: Lol, did she like dc?

Me: Ha, yeah. She said she'll know for sure weather she's going or not like this week. (:

Brenden: Ha, ok thats cool.

Me: Mhm(:

…

Me: Bleh, okay so I have a question.

Brenden: Yeah?

Me: Do you even like me? Honestly?

Brenden: Are you kidding me? Of course I do. Like really like you, and I mean it. Are you asking this cause of what i told you yesterday? And do you even like me?

Me: Mm, yeah. Lol, I like you a lot. I don't know i just don't want you to feel like you were forced into anything like with everyone else. And idk, everything that you told me yesterday has just been bothering me a lot. I don't know why.  I should just get over it.

Brenden: Trust me I wasn't forced into liking you. And :( i'm sorry what exactly has been bothering you? i knew this would change something.

Me:  Like im glad you told me just cause i really want us to be honest with each other. (even though im not honest with him) But it just bothers me. I don't even know why. And I'm not trying to judge you. i know it's your past and everything but I just feel like your not completely over it.. Do you think you are?

Brenden: Honestly I do, I haven't been doing any of the stuff i did at all this year. i hope you can trust me. If you don't think we'll work out i'd like to know cause i don't start liking you more then you tell me.

Me: Okay, i trust you. but if your ever going to smoke please just tell me. I don't want to take all the fun out of your life, i just want to know. And honestly i really think that we will, idk. I just have a good feeling about this(:

Brenden: Okay, and i don't plan on smoking i have a reason not to now and i don't need it in my life and i'm glad cause i hope we do:)

The end,  

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 15th 2010

"LOSE ANOTHER DAY HERE, LOSE ANOTHER YEAR HERE, IM WITH YOU." I love silverstein so freaking' much. No one even understands. They are so fantastic.

Yep, so at this point i pretty much just got over what happened. Kelly and ryan = hook-up. Great. Ryan is really gross sometimes. Oh well, I only see Kelly like once every month and next time we hangout ryan won't be grounded so it'll all be fine. Okayyyy, so i haven't texted Brenden in like two days. I don't know if thats bad or not. I don't really understand the whole text thing. I don't know what he wants. I don't even know what I want. Ugh, annoyed already. I wanna hangout with him tomorrow. I'm such a nerd. I got a lot of new clothes today:D Platos classt, wet seal, forever 21 anddddd, glitter. it was fun, shopping with Ryan is a lot different than shopping with my mother. Me and Kelly went to Jenny's party today. It was actually really boring. I honestly don't even care about seeing anyone that went to her stupid party. I freaking' hate most the people that go to dc. Everyone there is just so annoying for some reason. I really don't have anything in common with like any of them. It's kinda sad that I'm gonna have to spend the next three years with these people. BLEH, oh well. Honestly if me and Brenden don't work out then I honestly don't think I'll date anyone all of highschool, and frankly i'm cool with that. Like i want me and him to work out, like really bad. But if we don't then it'll be for the better. Then i won't have to deal with getting my heart broken and i won't have to deal with breaking his. It'll same some tears. Ugh, i don't know. Maybe tears are better. I don't know.  Ohhhh, my lord. me and kelly went to Apex today. It was sad. I always feel like the biggest a-hole whenever i go to a service there. Like during the end i said the shortest little prayer, 'hey God, I'm sorry." And seriously almost started crying like right in front of Kelly. I wish that I wouldn't get so side tracked all the time.

Like for example the whole Owen thing. And how he was gonna get me the stuff, and then we were gonna go to Alex's house and get it tonight.. And I just feel like such an idiot. Like honestly I just told myself never again and then two days later, I simply don't care anymore. Highschool is going to be hard. I hope that me and Mary are tight next year. i feel like she's a good influence on me. I don't know. i really love her though, no matter what any one else says. I don't care what they say. She's fantastic. It's 2 am. I need some sleep.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 16th 2010

I think it's really weird how I just started listening to silverstein again and how I was thinking about luke and how he doesn't like them at alll, and then the next day luke posts "my two favorite bands are.. yada yada and silverstein sucks.. sorry kelsey beatty. " and he tagged me in it. lol i don't know why but weird crap like that happens to me all the time.I don't know what it is. It's like my mind already knows what's going to happen, and it's just waiting for it. I don't know. Brenden texted me today. I'm glad he did. Hhaha, i think we have this little thing going on to see who can wait it out the longest without texting each other. Ryan has a catscan tomorrow for his arm… not the hand that he broke but the arm that he broke like 3 years ago. Apparently it's like not in the right place or something. I don't really know, but my mom said that he's probably going to have to have surgery on it. I went in his room today and asked him if he would go pick up Ariel so we could hangout. He was with Paul and Rohan.. and his eyes were completely red. Like really? In the middle of the day? I don't understand him. I thought he said he would stop. I guess not… ugh. He is like one of the main reasons why I feel like I haveta refuse to have fun anymore, well him and brenden. Owen texted me the other day and said that he would for sure get me and my friends some booze if we wanted it. I told him yes, and acted like I was completely into it. I know I can't though. I have to much will power not to. Which is good I guess, it's just annoying to see everyone else having fun and I know I can't. (jen ariel avery ryan rohan paul kelly) and that's just everyone who I've been in contact with in the past two days. How freaking' sad. I'm glad I'm not like that. "A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it" I forget who said that, but I really love that quote. Soccer was interesting tonight. Mrs. Orme is seriously the greatest coach, or better yet, person that I think I have ever met. She is sooo freaking'  influential. Like all of the talks that she gives just make me want to be a better soccer player, and a better person. She always says that the only reason we are playing soccer is #1 to give the glory to God, and make him be known through our playing. Everything she says just makes me want to give my all during soccer season. But then when it comes down to everything religious I just feel like a terrible person. Honestly, what happened between me and God? I thought this summer would give me time to get closer to Him, read the word and go to church a lot. Instead I have just focused on a ton of other things.. work, soccer, and brenden. I keep telling myself that I really don't want to be bored, but maybe that's what I honestly need the most. Just some time off to be with Him. I don't know though. Whenever I go through these little religious movements I always go too far in the other direction and then end up relapsing instead of slowly progressing. I need some help I feel like.. like someone like melanie or shannon. I don't know. Kelly has been so extremely annoying ever since she came over yesterday. Oh my lord. She can never ever ever be serious about one thing. Honestly I truely think she needs some more medicine or something. I feel like she's the type of person that you can only hangout with like once a month or too and not get sick of, but everyday? Honestly? How can she stand herself every single day? It's confusing to me. Hahah, I just had a flashback to the first time me and Brenden hangout, hahaha. Wendys. lmbo. That was a really funny day. Woe, I'm super off topic. I do that a lot, don't I? Oh well I pulled a muscle at soccer today, my quad. It hurts.. okay anyways RE-CAP. Woke up this morning, went to the pool with ariel, paul and rohan were over, my mom got mad, went to soccer, pulled my quad, went to drug mart, saw brooke there, came home 9pm took a shower, ate dinner, texted brenden, got on the comp, now, going to bed.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 20th 2010

Today was the day that I met Felix for the first time. Four years ago. It was on his birthday. I remember being really excited to meet him, wondering if he would be weird. I remember getting his present, a soccer ball, and a bible. I wonder if he still has it? I really don't know why God did this to me.. I miss him so much. I honestly don't think I'll ever get over this.

August 21 2010

A lot has happened within the last couple days. BUT ariel is here right now..

August 22 2010

It's 2:10am. Ariel is over.

August 23th 2010

Oh myy lord. Okay so everyone's gone now and i actually have some free time to talk about everything that has happened. Ughhhhh. Alright.

Soooo, basically the main highlight of everything right now issues brenden asked me out.. yeah. Haha(: Me and Ariel went over to his house last night and it was really boring until when we left and dan dickerson took us to the linden wall, it was just kinda random and pretty much really just freaked me out, a lot. Like why would he take us to Dayton out of all places. I don't really get it. But whatever, we had nothing else to do so why not. When we were walkingloike over to the wall area these two random kids passed us. Brenden knew them.. Amusing. It was almost ten on a saturday night and they were just riding bikes around dayton. And he knows those kids. Funny stuff. If he used to do all that stuff i really don't know why he would take us down there. I told him it was really sketchy and then we just decided to leave and go to steak and shake. I got a hamburger and ariel got this huge giant thing of cheese fries. And she ate the whole thing. Hhahaha, she was acting like she was so high that night. Like honestly our red-haired creepy waiter even asked her if she was smoking something. And then he asked tanner if he knew a kid named luke cause he looked exactly like him. Haahha, he was creepin like crazy. But honestly it was really awkward and it was fun but you could tell brenden wasn't having that much fun so it made it not really that fun. But then we just came home and watched saw 3 and talked alittle bit, and then my mom came like really early and was just waiting in the drive-way. I told her that I didn't want to… this part is pointless. But then we ended up staying until like 1:30ish and he walked me and ariel outside and then he was like, " sooo I have kinda been wanting to ask you something, like all night. " and i was just like really confused and wanted to know what it was. So i was like " hahha what? " and then he was like " do you want to go out " and then I was like flipping out and was smiling like crazy and was really excited and hugged him and everything and it was really cute. But then like the next day at church it was just like really weird. Cause I feel like we didn't really talk at alll, like he came in late and kelly and ariel were sitting there with me and like the sermon started so i felt like we should probably be quiet and everything… but it was just weird like even afterwards and everything. Like we got begals and I felt like I couldn't even eat them. Like I honestly can't even eat at all in front of him. I don't know what it is. And while i was walking out the door I felt ilke i was just gonna puke and it was really bad. And super awkward and  i don't know. I want to be able to be comfortable around him is all. My mind just goes completely blank whenever im around him, I can't stand it. I hope schools not awkward. But I feel like it might be sooo maybe I should like pre-plan what I'm gonna do. Like should I go to his locker? Even though it's in the jounior hall way and I'm all the way in the freshman hall? No, i don't think so. I don't know.

KAY WHATEVER, different subject. Lmao, initiation for soccer was so funny.

August 24th 2010

I annoy the hell out of myself quite often. First day of school! I like most of my classes, except, 4th and 5th period. Them are crapppp. And I didn't see brenden all day except for lunch and then we had art after. He slept like the entire time though. i really honestly think he regrets asking me out. Like to be official or whatever.. i don't know. We'll play it out. Hopefully this gets better.

Me and brenden kissed tonight (:

Lauren was over and it was really awkward at first. We never talk when other people are around us, but if it's just me and him together then everything is fine then. We walked all around the golf course and just talked, it was really nice. Then later whenever he had to leave i made him give me his shirt cause it smelled really good and he changed up in my room, then we went out to his car and hugged.. we were just there like in the moment. His heart was beating so fast. And then I looked up.. and we talked about it, and we kissed. We both suck at kissing. Haha, I hope we get better.

I still miss felix, but I know this is all part of God's plan.. Whatever happens happens.

I think im gonna see if he wants to do that notebook thing though. Lol, I hope he does. I already have a notebook decorated. (:

August 29th 2010

I'M SUCH AN IDIOT. IT'S BEEN 4 FREAKIN' YEARS. GET OVER THIS KID. FML. He jacked me up so much.

September 1, 2010

I wish I was a cool person. It sucks when you spend your whole life trying to create yourself and in the end you hate who you are. I don't know what to do.

I shouldn't have kissed brenden. I was just bored, and he actually does care. This was his first real time kissing a girl. and I wasn't even that into it. I'm a douche bag.. and I really don't deserve him. What the hell is my problem? His heart was beating so fast.. oh my lord, im such a douche bag. WHY AM I MESSING WITH HIS HEART? D: D: D: I'm so selfish… ):

Wow, i never really realized how immature i was until i started 'dating' him. We freaking don't even talk at school. I feel like i can't even talk to anyone, about anything real anymore.

I'm going to do that notebook thing..

I feel so freaking lame lately. Like honestly I don't have any friends at dc, except for brenden, and he's the only one who i avoid. LOSERLOSERLOSER.

09/04/10

Soccer today, middletown christian 7-0 (: whoot whoot. Brenden came.. hahaha he is seriously such a good boyfriend. I need to try harder for him..

09/06/10

We just got back from vacation! (:

we went to athens. brenden me avery ryan mom dad paul brenna and their parents.

It was close to a 2 hour drive up there. I like holding his hand. He freaking tells me everything about his life, and what does he get in return? Nothing. I'm an idiot. I need to tell him about felix, and just the truth. I want him to know the real me. I want him to like me for me. I like him for him. I really do like him. I'm actually really excited about our relationship. I just want us to be cooler at school.  I think im finally over felix. Honestly this time. i was in love with him, but that was then, and he's never going to come back into my life again so i need to get over it because God has better plans. I was acting all depressed when I told brenden that I couldn't tell him what had happened, my " dirty laundry " or whatever. I think he thinks I was like a slut with cory or something. I don't mean to be deceiving to him, i just always get depressed whoever I think about him. I need to stop thinking about him is all. I wonder if I ever will tell brenden about felix..

09/12/10

My mom and dad went out to this one party last night. They said all the kids had to get out of the house cause avery and brenden were both over. So my parents kicked us out and I finally got to drive alone with him in his car. Haha. It was fun. We ended up going to his work and seeing the dirt bike place behind it. It looked sweet. He had a bunch of scabs all over his knuckles, I asked him what they were from. He told me that he got them at work and i said it looked like he punched something. Later on we went to bares and knobles and just looked around and talked and whatnot. We got some books and then went and sat down. I sat on his lap and he eventually got the whole felix nonsense out of me.. He doesn't know about the part were i fell in love with him yet, but I'll eventually tell him.. hopefully. I told him about the bulimic thing.. but not about the cutting… eventually it will come out. I think he might think that like felix for real raped me or something though? Cause I like tried to explain everything but Im not really sure if it came out right. And cause after I told him about the felix thing, he just turned his head to the side and said that he felt like he should punch something.  I guess it was good to tell him, but i don't want him getting mad. I think it's weird how when people get sad or something bad happens they just decide to punch something. I don't get angry like that, it's just kinda odd for me. But then this morning we went to church. My whole family went except for ryan and then his mom and friend jeremy went. I don't think jeremy likes me very much. He always just gives me a look like he hates me… i honestly could care less though. Ha, i think it's actually pretty funny that that doesn't bother me one bit. If i went to boro that probably would bug me a lot. Idk why. I like brenden though.  (:

09/15/10

Ryan's birthday is two days away. I want to get him something special, to let him know that I really do care about him. I don't know what to get him though. Hey God? Wanna help ms out? Hahha, woah. I'm a loser. But really though. I want to let him know that I'm always here for him. He would loose so much respect for me if he knew i took that vicodine. The problem is that I honestly want to do it again. It wasn't even that good the first time around and yet for some stupid reason i just want more. I just want to be happy. I've been so freaking depressed the past couple of days. Honestly. I don't even know what to do about the whole brenden thing. I just think that me and him are way too much alike to even be dating. Were not good for each other, and yet at the same time I feel like I really should start opening up to him. I mean I complain all the time about not having anyone to talk to and then God gives me b and i all the sudden act like I don't even want him… I don't know what in the world i want. I hate the fact that I feel like I can't get close to anyone at Dayton Christian. Like honestly. I really don't have any friends. i think it's because I just feel like people bore me. I don't even know what it is. It's just like I feel like im so much better than everyone else there and getting to know people would just be a waste of my time. I'm such a cooky little brat. I hate the way boor has made me look at life. UGH, i'm so confused these days. Me and barenden never even talk about anything significant anymore… i hate it. I wish i had the men parts to call him right now. But of course. I don't.  

10/29/10

me and brenden broke up. i hate myself so much more than ever. he is everything i could ever want, and yet I'm the one who brought it up.  

i miss him. Im so stupid ):

i just feel like he doesn't try at all.

he dones't even look at me during art class… ever

would never even think about calling me.

stops texting me when im in a bad mood or say something stupid.

Honestly if you want everything to be okay then i would want you to take some inititivate. cause honestly right now i feel like tanner, your best friend, is more comfortable with talking to me that you are. Like i don't freaking mean to make everything awkward but i don't know how to have a boyfriend at school. Like do you want me to sit with you at lunch? Do you what me to walk with you to your classesl? And half of this crap i feel like you should want to do for me, ilke your the guy. the guy is supposed to do that kind of stuff for the girl.

And then about the whole felix thing.. do you remember when i told you in athens that if i told you my intense little thing then you would feel differently and it would change just about everything? Well, i knew it would. So i just told you a portion of it, trying to make it seem like something else to cover up for what it actually was because i didn't want to tell you. Like i told you he took advantage of me, which he did on only one ocation

^^ this was from awhile ago..

____________________________________________________________________

Every day, ever day, I slowly pass him in the hallway

instead of pouring out, i looked the other way

i don't know what im doing anymore

he's bored.

Life  on standby.

August 1st 2010

We have 23 days left until school starts and I don't know weather to be excited, or discouraged. I don't want to be a sophomore. At all. Time is slipping by too fast. I wish i could pause everything once in awhile.

i feel like i need to become a more entergetic person. Live and love life more, ya know? I think I'm going to ask the doctor about some medicine again, and just see what she says. Dang it. That's tomorrow  D: Ugh.

Okay so today Brooke and I had a much needed get together today. Mom and I went to go pick her up. It was pretty much a silent car ride so she after we got out of the car she asked why. I told her about the night before and how Ryan got caught and everything. Not everything everything, just the nesceties. We were going to ride our bikes to the pool so we decided to get changed. She went into the bathroom, and my mom walked in the room. She started cring and hugged me. I felt so bad for her. I love her so much. Later that day me and Brooke went to the Greenleaf Village Pool, bike rode to Cold Stone and then rode to CVS and sat on their floor and looked at magazines for about an hour. It was relaxing…. this reminds me. I need to bring that Cold Stone Guy his $1.68 back. Crapppp, I need to do that tomorrow. Anyyyyways, then I went to soccer, and Lauren came over. I didn't tell her about Ryan.

Later tonight Tanner was texting me and then eventually just called me. I guess he heard from Caitlyn Mcquin that I 'liked' Andrew Combs for awhile and he was asking me if I liked bad boys.. I told him that I used to. But that I was really happy that Brenden wasn't like that because I was trying to turn over a new leaf. I told him about Cory, and how much of a douche he was, and how he tried to force me into doing stuff with him. I told Tanner that I was glad that Brenden wasn't like that. He asked what all I had done, and I told him. He said he wouldn't tell Brenden though. He said that Brenden had a lot of doubts if I actually liked him or not. I told him I would reasure him. Cause I honestly do like him a lot. I feel like me and him were kinda put on this path for a reason. Like with the whole birthday thing, the dog thing, the Felix/Yannik thing. God has some kind of plan. I can feel it already. As for the whole me and him kissing thing, I just told Tanner that if it happens then it happens. That I kind of want to wait and get to know him better but it's whatever if we don't. And then Tanner told me something really interesting. He said that I should talk to Brenden about everything that I've done with guys and like my past and all. Because apparently Brenden has been through some crap too. Which oh my lord, I freaking have telepathy because I was just telling Brooke that I thought he was hiding something. Apparently Brenden had been involved with a court hearing that went on for over a year ? He didn't tell me a lot about it. And honestly I'm glad he didn't I want to hear the real story from Brenden. Ha, Tanner is such a good friend. He is always looking out for people. And always knows exactly what to say. That kid's pretty great if I do say so myself.

I hope Brenden's not doing anything tomorrow because at this point I really want him to come over. I hope he can come in my room. Haha. I don't know why that's such a big deal to me.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 3rd 2010

I chickened out at the doctors office the other day. I don't know why. My doctor is just kind of intimidating, I guess. I was just glad that I didn't have to get any shots. Thank Jesuss. Oh, and Cold Stone. Ugh. I forgot about that too. I bet that guy thinks that me and Brooke just ran for it. Haha, he was such a weird guy though. I really hope when we eventually do pay him back then I don't have to give the money to the fat flirt. Hm, that's mean. I probably shouldn't say that. I really am such a bitch these days.. ? Okay so after the doctor today me and my dad went out for lunch at Frishes, it was really nice. And needed. I really do love him. It just always feels like he is so consumed with Ryan and his life that he sometimes forgets about the rest of us. I honestly hope that we can become close.  I mean everyone has their faults, but my dad really is a cool guy. When my mom got home from work we went and picked up Jenny and Lindsay to go boating with Megan and her dad at Ceasers Creek. Alyssa, Megan, Jenny, Lindsay Brydon, and me all went. Tubing is so much fun, but I got a lot of bruises from it today. Ha, Brenden went to the Scream the Prayer concert tonight, and he said that when he was moshing he thinks that he might have broken some kids nose. Ha, poor kid! I would be so pissed at him, but apparently he was really cool about it. I think it's weird that he saw Erica there and she didn't even talk to him. I really wonder why she's so different online than she is in person. I should text her. Anyways, it's 12:06 and I gotta work tomorrow, sooo I'm thinking that I should probably go to bed now. Brenden's coming over tomorrow too, (:  Hopefully I can talk to him.. about everything.. well see though.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 4, 2010

I went to work, and got my eyes dilated today, Brenden didn't come over. I'm to tired to write anything else.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 5th, 2010

t's really annoying when you get off work early but you can't go home, and you can't go to Barenes and Noble and you forgot your phone at home and there's nothing better to do than sit in the car and write about nonsense. Oh well. Apparently were getting a cat today? Well, not we, more like Ryan is, but still! A cat :D He wants to name it Brenden.. and the cat is a girl. Hahaha. What a werido. I really like Hannah Combs, she like for real inspirational. She makes me want to do something great with my life. Honestly, I think I want to start designing clothes. Sewing is so theripuitical, I love it. And honestly this is something that I've wanted to do since I was like in the second grade when I cut up these once jeans and decided to make a purse out of it. I don't know. I'm gonna see if Debbie could help me make a homecoming dress, that would be the start (: And I need to re-learn how to start my mom's sewing machine so I can actually do some work at the house too. We'll see. I feel like in every entry there is always something about Brenden. Wow, I'm kind of a creep. You would think that we have been dating for years or something. But no, I just fall hard. Really hard. And even though I hate to admit it, I am a creep. It's actually kind of sad. I need to go to the library today. I want to see if they actually have CD's that I would like there. Omg, and if they do the library will soon become my new favorite place. / I need to finish The Catcher And The Rye. That book honestly freaks me out. It reminds me of Ryan's life a little bit. I feel like it helps me understand how guys react when they are depressed. They'll never admit it. They just run from it. Holden and Ryan have that in common. I've been mean to him lately. I should start trying again. I love that kid.. Mom's here. Were going to Staup to get school clothes. Mmm.

Laterrr;

I was looking through my mothers text messages today. It was random. I wasn't really snooping just bored and that was something to do. But I found text messages from Avery to my mom. She said that Ryan was spending the night at Kevin Kash's. He never even goes over there. I think it's kinda sad that Avery can straight up lie to my mother. I don't know. I'd probably do the same thing if I had their lives.

August 6th 2010

I hate texting, with so much passion.. I never know what to say and then i always make these weird awkward long pauses, and i feel like I'm such an idiot. Well I guess i kinda am for making such a simple thing such a big deal though.. I don't know. Honestly though, I think me and Brenden have something, and I'm really just afraid I'm going to jack it up. I really don't want to jack it up. Why in the world would he like someone like me? I truly just do not understand. Anyways though, I guess a lot of things have happened since the last time that I updated you. We got the cat (: Her name is Cat.. very original right isn't it? No. Actually she was already named when we got her so Ryan just wanted to keep the name. Oh, and the other thing that I just wanted to state. The whole michael incident.

OK. Well, for starters yesterday morning I accidentally left my phone at the house instead of taking it with me. Which you already knew ^ And as soon as I got home I went to the kitchen where I knew I had put it that morning and found my big vera bradley bag and everything that I had previously put in it except for my phone. I spent the next half an hour re-tracking my steps going through everything trying to see where I could have put it. I asked everyone in my family if they had seen it, and everyone.. including mike's responses were, " oh my gosh kelsey, you always loose your phone " so I just kept on looking. I went to soccer practice, and then came home and once again asked everyone if they had seen it. They hadn't. I proceeded to spend the next two hours cleaning my room, cleaning my bathroom, cleaning the car, in an attempt to find my phone. Nothing was working. So then at 12am I finally got frustrated. I went down the stairs and once more asked my mom about the phone. She told me to go downstairs and see if Ryan had taken it. Considering the fact that he was grounded and it seemed logical that he would want a phone to text his friends and whatnot. So, not having any hope I went downstairs and called my phone, once again. I heard a vibrate, and then another. And there it was, I found it. Hidden underneath the couch cousin. Furious. I jerked Ryans door open and started yelling at him. He was asleep. Waking Ryan up in this way was not one of my best ideas. One that I will never try again. He cussed me out, and then I realized that he didn't do it. And then, after contemplating for a second, I realized that Michael had done it. I ran up the stairs and then laid it out. Oh, I was furious. It actually accidentally got caught on my voicemail, while I was in the act of chewing him out. It rather funny actually, now looking back.. In the moment though, I seriously could have punched the life out of that kid. And I wanted to soooo badly. You have no idea. That's just one of those type of things that happens once every five years of so where my anger just overwelhms me and I lose all my self control. But I didn't touch him. I am quite proud of myself. That took a lot out of me. Then of course I had to start crying to my mother and force her to take his i touch away for awhile. She agreed, and actually followed through. I was amazed. That most deffinately had been a first. I think me and him are cool now though. In the end I realized that he was just mad about the crap that happened the day I got my eyes dilated.. I'm not going to tell that story though. That can just be one that I forget. Hopefully. Anyways though, Cat is so cute. She really is the nicest cat I think I've ever met. Exactly the opposite of Reese. Thank Jesus.

Todayy: went to work, exhausted. Got Bravo from a drug rep. Went shopping, got a dress and school pants. Chilled. Saw Charlie St. McCloud with Jen. We talked about Jullian. it was interesting. I wonder what will happen this upcoming year… Grandpa's b-day tomorrow! Brenden's coming(: , I didn't tell him about Cat yet. Ha. I think it's hilarious when were just talking I can talk to him, but when I make the slightest little flirt then he just stops texting me. I wonder what's going through his head right now. He would never tell me if i asked him though. Oh well. I'm kind of tired. I hope I can sleep.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 7th 2010

I really don't know what God wants. He lied to me. Would he lie to me again? I'm confused, so freaking confused. I thought he was a good kid. I thought he was going to be different one, the one who made me a good kid again. He asked me tonight if me knowing about his past changed anything. I just told him it only made it better. Why would I say that. Why in the world would I tell him that. This changes everything. I don't even know if I want to like him anymore.. I hate this whole deciding free will crap. I really don't know what God wants for me. Does he want me to stay with Brenden and just be there for him and try to help him? Or does he want me to dropkick him to the curb just so that he knows I'm fully devoted to him. ? I don't know… I told Brenden he could trust me, so I 'm not going to even say what he did. I'll keep it to myself. I really don't even know how I feel right now, or where I stand. I don't even think he likes me anyways. ):

Oh, and I puked again tonight. Right before he came over. Joy.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 8th 2010

I really hate myself so much. I don't know why I think and act like I'm such an angel all the time. I'm not at all. Atleast Ryan can be trusted. At least he doesn't lie to his friends just to take anvangtage of someone. I really hate myself so much. I'm a psychopathic lier and I can't be trusted. Why would I do that to someone who I love so much. I'm such a jerk. I don't deserve to be able to talk to him. I guess it's every person for themselves. I can't trust, and I can't be trusted. I'm going to keep brenden's secret. And if I don't. Then I don't deserve him or anyone else anyways.

I need to tell Brenden the truth about my past. The truth about Felix, the truth about everything. I don't know if I can. I don't even know if I know the real truth I've lied so many times.

it was only three months and a half months. He came at the end of August, left in the middle of November. That was the worst Thanksgiving I have ever had. When I first saw him I automatically knew that it wasn't a good idea for him to be here. He was 17 and I was only 11. From that very first cookout I knew I would start liking him. A couple weeks after he had been staying here I found out that he was a cutter. I feel like that was one thing that most deffinately brought us closer. We were both depressed out of our minds. We were each others therapy. We didn't even have to talk about what we were depressed about. We would just talk about anything and it would make us feel alive, like we were real people. He made me feel like a real person. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life. He truely ment everything to me. And I'm still not over him. I never want to date anyone else because I feel like it's unfair to them. I'm always comparing them to Felix. Like with Cory. I didn't even like Cory. I just wanted to feel loved again. And even though he said that he loved me, I always knew it was a lie. He just wanted someone to  someone to take advantage of. But I was okay with that. I honestly don't think that i will love anyone ever again. It sucks. It really sucks.

Oh my freaking lord, im such a freak.

Later;

Brenden: Hey!

Me: Hey, what's up?

Brenden: Just watching tv, you?

Me: Talking to kelly on the phonee, lol.

Brenden: Lol, did she like dc?

Me: Ha, yeah. She said she'll know for sure weather she's going or not like this week. (:

Brenden: Ha, ok thats cool.

Me: Mhm(:

…

Me: Bleh, okay so I have a question.

Brenden: Yeah?

Me: Do you even like me? Honestly?

Brenden: Are you kidding me? Of course I do. Like really like you, and I mean it. Are you asking this cause of what i told you yesterday? And do you even like me?

Me: Mm, yeah. Lol, I like you a lot. I don't know i just don't want you to feel like you were forced into anything like with everyone else. And idk, everything that you told me yesterday has just been bothering me a lot. I don't know why.  I should just get over it.

Brenden: Trust me I wasn't forced into liking you. And :( i'm sorry what exactly has been bothering you? i knew this would change something.

Me:  Like im glad you told me just cause i really want us to be honest with each other. (even though im not honest with him) But it just bothers me. I don't even know why. And I'm not trying to judge you. i know it's your past and everything but I just feel like your not completely over it.. Do you think you are?

Brenden: Honestly I do, I haven't been doing any of the stuff i did at all this year. i hope you can trust me. If you don't think we'll work out i'd like to know cause i don't start liking you more then you tell me.

Me: Okay, i trust you. but if your ever going to smoke please just tell me. I don't want to take all the fun out of your life, i just want to know. And honestly i really think that we will, idk. I just have a good feeling about this(:

Brenden: Okay, and i don't plan on smoking i have a reason not to now and i don't need it in my life and i'm glad cause i hope we do:)

The end,  

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 10th 2010

Well I guess it's the 11th but I'm just going to lie and say it's the 10th because I haven't fallen asleep yet so for me it's still the 10th. Anyways.. It seems like I've worked the whole day. Actual work, then soccer tryouts then running again, dinner, and now all that's left is sleep. I watched that movie that Alyssa's mom recommended. Goodwill hunting. It was actually pretty good, I liked it a lot. I don't think I'll tell Alyssa about it though. It's sad that we spent that entire vacation together and were still not even that close that we can talk about stupid crap like that. I don't know why. I really don't like Liz, and Allison when they're together. Soccer is going to be so annoying. Honestly I like Catlynne though. She seems like a real person. The other two just get on everyone's nerves though. And it's really obvious. Kinda sad, but obvious. Jenny asked me to get her a pregnancy test from work today. I feel so freaking' bad for that girl. Apparently her and Jullian are officially over now.. for the 3rd time. They had a big fight and he said that she was just a mistake. I swear I would kick that guy in the balls if she would let me. I really love Jenny. And she really doesn't deserve this crap. I wonder what's going to happen next year… Oh my lord. I seriously do not know how to talk, to like anyone. I'm so freaking werid. I can't even spell weird right. W-E-I-R-D. Whatever. I need to read my drivers education book.  

I have to go,

Anyways, Goodnight.

UGH, WHY ARE ALL MY FRIENDS TALKING TO MY BROTHER.

I truly wonder if Jen even like me or if she's just in it for all my brother's friends dicks..

One more thing, I want to see 'where the wild things are'. OK. I'm really going to read now.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 11th 2010

I stole Jen some condoms today. Hahahahaha, it was actually quite thrilling. I hope my mom doesn't find them and think that I'm slutty. She'd be so pissed if she found them. Hahah, that'd be so funny. Anyways, my grandparents took me to the Project Blessing helping thing today. We served 140 homeless people lunch, and I got 2 hours of community service. Yay! But it was really sad though. There was one kid there that looked maybe a year or so younger than me. He didn't have anyone with him, it was just him alone. I gave him an extra brownie. Honestly though, I wonder what it would have been like if my mom and dad didn't call the cops the one night I ran away. I wonder how far I would have gone to get away from them. I wonder what that kids story was. As the people went through the line getting their food I couldn't help but think about what all their stories were. They have probably all been through such hell, and yet I freaking run away from my 'perfect' life wishing to be one of them. I'm an idiot.

crap, i have work tomorrow. D:

Anyways goodnight.

August 12th 2010

Oh life. I don't like talking about politics, I don't like talking about war. These are things that I personally will never be able to change whatsoever. Blah blah blah, one person can make a difference = false. Fate is going to happen weather we like it or not, and I feel like we have to pick and choose what we want to focus on in our lives. Honestly, I don't think I will vote when Im 18. War is so pointless, childish. He hit me so I'm going to hit him back. Except in the United States we just try to be the parents in the situation and discipline anyone who's 'out of line'. Whatever, I guess it's a good thing in the end. Somebody has to stand up in this world. I just feel like it doesn't have to result in nuclear bombing, instead we could talk things through. Make treedies, and get along, were are all human. When you actually think about life it can get really scary. I don't even want to know half of anything that's going on, I just want to live and spread love to people in anyway that I can. We can only live life for at most a century. Why would anyone want to know half the crap that happens on wallstreet. Your just going to find out a lot of crap that you never knew before and you know what? There's nothing you can do about any of it. Except vote, and that's nothing. I bet even that has been rigged before. So why? Fate will happen regardless.  

I have come to the conclusion that I do not know anything. And honestly, I'm okay with that…. hold on. Kelly is crying.

August 13th 2010

Made varsity! #15 (;

Kelly's over right now, were going to the pool and then going to the green later with brooke wells, (:

Ryan's being a creep and trying to hit on Kelly all the time and it's really pissing me off. Oh and, I had a really weird dream last night but kelly's here so I can't really write anything down cause she'd see. Hahaha. Okay well were going to the pooooool, so bye.

Anyways, Good afternoon.

August 15th 2010

"LOSE ANOTHER DAY HERE, LOSE ANOTHER YEAR HERE, IM WITH YOU." I love silverstein so freaking' much. No one even understands. They are so fantastic.

Yep, so at this point i pretty much just got over what happened. Kelly and ryan = hook-up. Great. Ryan is really gross sometimes. Oh well, I only see Kelly like once every month and next time we hangout ryan won't be grounded so it'll all be fine. Okayyyy, so i haven't texted Brenden in like two days. I don't know if thats bad or not. I don't really understand the whole text thing. I don't know what he wants. I don't even know what I want. Ugh, annoyed already. I wanna hangout with him tomorrow. I'm such a nerd. I got a lot of new clothes today:D Platos classt, wet seal, forever 21 anddddd, glitter. it was fun, shopping with Ryan is a lot different than shopping with my mother. Me and Kelly went to Jenny's party today. It was actually really boring. I honestly don't even care about seeing anyone that went to her stupid party. I freaking' hate most the people that go to dc. Everyone there is just so annoying for some reason. I really don't have anything in common with like any of them. It's kinda sad that I'm gonna have to spend the next three years with these people. BLEH, oh well. Honestly if me and Brenden don't work out then I honestly don't think I'll date anyone all of highschool, and frankly i'm cool with that. Like i want me and him to work out, like really bad. But if we don't then it'll be for the better. Then i won't have to deal with getting my heart broken and i won't have to deal with breaking his. It'll same some tears. Ugh, i don't know. Maybe tears are better. I don't know.  Ohhhh, my lord. me and kelly went to Apex today. It was sad. I always feel like the biggest a-hole whenever i go to a service there. Like during the end i said the shortest little prayer, 'hey God, I'm sorry." And seriously almost started crying like right in front of Kelly. I wish that I wouldn't get so side tracked all the time.

Like for example the whole Owen thing. And how he was gonna get me the stuff, and then we were gonna go to Alex's house and get it tonight.. And I just feel like such an idiot. Like honestly I just told myself never again and then two days later, I simply don't care anymore. Highschool is going to be hard. I hope that me and Mary are tight next year. i feel like she's a good influence on me. I don't know. i really love her though, no matter what any one else says. I don't care what they say. She's fantastic. It's 2 am. I need some sleep.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 16th 2010

I think it's really weird how I just started listening to silverstein again and how I was thinking about luke and how he doesn't like them at alll, and then the next day luke posts "my two favorite bands are.. yada yada and silverstein sucks.. sorry kelsey beatty. " and he tagged me in it. lol i don't know why but weird crap like that happens to me all the time.I don't know what it is. It's like my mind already knows what's going to happen, and it's just waiting for it. I don't know. Brenden texted me today. I'm glad he did. Hhaha, i think we have this little thing going on to see who can wait it out the longest without texting each other. Ryan has a catscan tomorrow for his arm… not the hand that he broke but the arm that he broke like 3 years ago. Apparently it's like not in the right place or something. I don't really know, but my mom said that he's probably going to have to have surgery on it. I went in his room today and asked him if he would go pick up Ariel so we could hangout. He was with Paul and Rohan.. and his eyes were completely red. Like really? In the middle of the day? I don't understand him. I thought he said he would stop. I guess not… ugh. He is like one of the main reasons why I feel like I haveta refuse to have fun anymore, well him and brenden. Owen texted me the other day and said that he would for sure get me and my friends some booze if we wanted it. I told him yes, and acted like I was completely into it. I know I can't though. I have to much will power not to. Which is good I guess, it's just annoying to see everyone else having fun and I know I can't. (jen ariel avery ryan rohan paul kelly) and that's just everyone who I've been in contact with in the past two days. How freaking' sad. I'm glad I'm not like that. "A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it" I forget who said that, but I really love that quote. Soccer was interesting tonight. Mrs. Orme is seriously the greatest coach, or better yet, person that I think I have ever met. She is sooo freaking'  influential. Like all of the talks that she gives just make me want to be a better soccer player, and a better person. She always says that the only reason we are playing soccer is #1 to give the glory to God, and make him be known through our playing. Everything she says just makes me want to give my all during soccer season. But then when it comes down to everything religious I just feel like a terrible person. Honestly, what happened between me and God? I thought this summer would give me time to get closer to Him, read the word and go to church a lot. Instead I have just focused on a ton of other things.. work, soccer, and brenden. I keep telling myself that I really don't want to be bored, but maybe that's what I honestly need the most. Just some time off to be with Him. I don't know though. Whenever I go through these little religious movements I always go too far in the other direction and then end up relapsing instead of slowly progressing. I need some help I feel like.. like someone like melanie or shannon. I don't know. Kelly has been so extremely annoying ever since she came over yesterday. Oh my lord. She can never ever ever be serious about one thing. Honestly I truely think she needs some more medicine or something. I feel like she's the type of person that you can only hangout with like once a month or too and not get sick of, but everyday? Honestly? How can she stand herself every single day? It's confusing to me. Hahah, I just had a flashback to the first time me and Brenden hangout, hahaha. Wendys. lmbo. That was a really funny day. Woe, I'm super off topic. I do that a lot, don't I? Oh well I pulled a muscle at soccer today, my quad. It hurts.. okay anyways RE-CAP. Woke up this morning, went to the pool with ariel, paul and rohan were over, my mom got mad, went to soccer, pulled my quad, went to drug mart, saw brooke there, came home 9pm took a shower, ate dinner, texted brenden, got on the comp, now, going to bed.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 19th 2010

Today was freaking' terrible. Oh my lord.

Stayed up until 3 am doing absolutely nothing on Facebook. Woke up late for work. Had to work until 4. Came home, half an hour late for soccer. Mom yelled at me. Dad yelled at me. Accidently left my phone at home, along with the  soccer shoe that just so happened to fall out of my bag and onto the side walk just before I got into the car. Thennnn finally after all this crap, I started my period and was wearing white shorts. Oh and then after soccer practice we had to go to this meeting for all sports and basically my entire school was there and everyone saw the little 'accident'… fml. My eyes are blood shot and I just ate dinner, and it's only what? 10:30 pm. Dinner, who the heck eats dinner at 10:30? Only my family. Whatever though. I need to get new soccer shoes. And update my itunes, a lot. And I'm really tired right now, so yeah.

Anyways, Goodnight.

August 20th 2010

Today was the day that I met Felix for the first time. Four years ago. It was on his birthday. I remember being really excited to meet him, wondering if he would be weird. I remember getting his present, a soccer ball, and a bible. I wonder if he still has it? I really don't know why God did this to me.. I miss him so much. I honestly don't think I'll ever get over this.

August 21 2010

A lot has happened within the last couple days. BUT ariel is here right now..

August 22 2010

It's 2:10am. Ariel is over.

August 23th 2010

Oh myy lord. Okay so everyone's gone now and i actually have some free time to talk about everything that has happened. Ughhhhh. Alright.

Soooo, basically the main highlight of everything right now issues brenden asked me out.. yeah. Haha(: Me and Ariel went over to his house last night and it was really boring until when we left and dan dickerson took us to the linden wall, it was just kinda random and pretty much really just freaked me out, a lot. Like why would he take us to Dayton out of all places. I don't really get it. But whatever, we had nothing else to do so why not. When we were walkingloike over to the wall area these two random kids passed us. Brenden knew them.. Amusing. It was almost ten on a saturday night and they were just riding bikes around dayton. And he knows those kids. Funny stuff. If he used to do all that stuff i really don't know why he would take us down there. I told him it was really sketchy and then we just decided to leave and go to steak and shake. I got a hamburger and ariel got this huge giant thing of cheese fries. And she ate the whole thing. Hhahaha, she was acting like she was so high that night. Like honestly our red-haired creepy waiter even asked her if she was smoking something. And then he asked tanner if he knew a kid named luke cause he looked exactly like him. Haahha, he was creepin like crazy. But honestly it was really awkward and it was fun but you could tell brenden wasn't having that much fun so it made it not really that fun. But then we just came home and watched saw 3 and talked alittle bit, and then my mom came like really early and was just waiting in the drive-way. I told her that I didn't want to… this part is pointless. But then we ended up staying until like 1:30ish and he walked me and ariel outside and then he was like, " sooo I have kinda been wanting to ask you something, like all night. " and i was just like really confused and wanted to know what it was. So i was like " hahha what? " and then he was like " do you want to go out " and then I was like flipping out and was smiling like crazy and was really excited and hugged him and everything and it was really cute. But then like the next day at church it was just like really weird. Cause I feel like we didn't really talk at alll, like he came in late and kelly and ariel were sitting there with me and like the sermon started so i felt like we should probably be quiet and everything… but it was just weird like even afterwards and everything. Like we got begals and I felt like I couldn't even eat them. Like I honestly can't even eat at all in front of him. I don't know what it is. And while i was walking out the door I felt ilke i was just gonna puke and it was really bad. And super awkward and  i don't know. I want to be able to be comfortable around him is all. My mind just goes completely blank whenever im around him, I can't stand it. I hope schools not awkward. But I feel like it might be sooo maybe I should like pre-plan what I'm gonna do. Like should I go to his locker? Even though it's in the jounior hall way and I'm all the way in the freshman hall? No, i don't think so. I don't know.

KAY WHATEVER, different subject. Lmao, initiation for soccer was so funny.

August 24th 2010

I annoy the hell out of myself quite often. First day of school! I like most of my classes, except, 4th and 5th period. Them are crapppp. And I didn't see brenden all day except for lunch and then we had art after. He slept like the entire time though. i really honestly think he regrets asking me out. Like to be official or whatever.. i don't know. We'll play it out. Hopefully this gets better.

August 28th 2010

Wow, ever since school has started I feel like I never have enough time to actually write on this thing. Well anyways I'll just tell everything. FROM THE TOP.

I think I'm going to like school this year. I have pretty good classes.

1) Bible with mr. bulinka. Kaitlynn, noah, grant, gabby, and some other people are in that class. We normally don't do anything important. And he said that the best way to get a good grade in his class is to do well on the projects. So I think I'll be good at that.

2) Math with mrs. folkerts. I have a ton of people in that class, and it's probably not a good thing because this lady already sucks as a teacher and I already feel like I'm forsure not going to learn anything. Luke is the T-A in that class. Oh my lord, that kid is the most awkward child I think I have ever met. It's actually quite scary.

3) computers with mr. farmer. Hahah, i love that man.. There's this kid named scott in that class… he's really short and really fat. When I saw him for the first time I was honestly scared, but I sit right beside him in this class and I could tell he really didn't want to talk or anything but I was just casual with him and was nice to him and all. And then at lunch he went to go sit with megan songer and this one other girl and then as soon as he sat down with them they btw got up and he was just sitting there all alone. My table went to and sat with him. We talked to him, and he just seems really quiet and depressed and I feel really bad for the kid. I wanna become friends with him. I don't know. We'll see.

4) US history, with mrs conway. Jen, allison, heath, conner, megan, noah, and some other people are in this class… oh and there's this new kid in that class named tim. He's really cute, but most likely a pot head i'm thinking. I don't know. I'll haveta get to know him… ohhhh and then there's luke. Haha, he's in that class to. It's so freaking' awkward from last year and everything that went down. I was late the first day that I walked in that class. And seriously, the only freaking seat open in the entire room was right behind luke folkerts. Great, right. He just stared at me when I sat down. Said absolutely nothing and just sat. I kinda feel bad that he doesn't have like any friends at all in that class, but honestly im not going to be the first one to go up and have a chat with him. I have a boyfriend now. I really don't want him getting the wrong impression or anything. Eh, ew.

5) Hon. Biology with mr. Norvelll. There are literally 3 sophomores in that class. It's pretty sad, atleast I have drew bell. He's a funny child. Such a pill popper but he's alright. I like him. Mr. Norvell is seriously the oddest guy I think I have ever met in my life. He acts like bill nei the science guy like crazyyyy. I enjoy him a lot though. He tries really hard, and I think Im going to learn a lot in his class this year(:

lunch- ehhhh, whatever.

6) Art with mr. Gnagey. Brenden's in that class(: It's super boring, but I'm glad we have a class together though. It's better than nothing at all.

7) English with Mr. K. He's probably my favorite teacher. Honestly. He's so freaking' cool. He goes to apex, and is a real genuine person. I like him.

This year is going to be really interesting. I feel ilke I have changed and grown up a lot already. It's really weird, really really weird. l really don't want to grow up. I just want to stay young and innocent for as long as possible. I'm really completely done with my little insecure phase.. honestly I think I lost some of my left brain. Forreal. It sucks. I can even write better with my right hand lately. It's supa freaky.

… LATER

Me and brenden kissed tonight (:

Lauren was over and it was really awkward at first. We never talk when other people are around us, but if it's just me and him together then everything is fine then. We walked all around the golf course and just talked, it was really nice. Then later whenever he had to leave i made him give me his shirt cause it smelled really good and he changed up in my room, then we went out to his car and hugged.. we were just there like in the moment. His heart was beating so fast. And then I looked up.. and we talked about it, and we kissed. We both suck at kissing. Haha, I hope we get better.

I still miss felix, but I know this is all part of God's plan.. Whatever happens happens.

I think im gonna see if he wants to do that notebook thing though. Lol, I hope he does. I already have a notebook decorated. (:

August 29th 2010

I'M SUCH AN IDIOT. IT'S BEEN 4 FREAKIN' YEARS. GET OVER THIS KID. FML. He jacked me up so much.

September 1, 2010

I wish I was a cool person. It sucks when you spend your whole life trying to create yourself and in the end you hate who you are. I don't know what to do.

I shouldn't have kissed brenden. I was just bored, and he actually does care. This was his first real time kissing a girl. and I wasn't even that into it. I'm a douche bag.. and I really don't deserve him. What the hell is my problem? His heart was beating so fast.. oh my lord, im such a douche bag. WHY AM I MESSING WITH HIS HEART? D: D: D: I'm so selfish… ):

Wow, i never really realized how immature i was until i started 'dating' him. We freaking don't even talk at school. I feel like i can't even talk to anyone, about anything real anymore.

I'm going to do that notebook thing..

I feel so freaking lame lately. Like honestly I don't have any friends at dc, except for brenden, and he's the only one who i avoid. LOSERLOSERLOSER.

09/04/10

Soccer today, middletown christian 7-0 (: whoot whoot. Brenden came.. hahaha he is seriously such a good boyfriend. I need to try harder for him..

09/06/10

We just got back from vacation! (:

we went to athens. brenden me avery ryan mom dad paul brenna and their parents.

It was close to a 2 hour drive up there. I like holding his hand. He freaking tells me everything about his life, and what does he get in return? Nothing. I'm an idiot. I need to tell him about felix, and just the truth. I want him to know the real me. I want him to like me for me. I like him for him. I really do like him. I'm actually really excited about our relationship. I just want us to be cooler at school.  I think im finally over felix. Honestly this time. i was in love with him, but that was then, and he's never going to come back into my life again so i need to get over it because God has better plans. I was acting all depressed when I told brenden that I couldn't tell him what had happened, my " dirty laundry " or whatever. I think he thinks I was like a slut with cory or something. I don't mean to be deceiving to him, i just always get depressed whoever I think about him. I need to stop thinking about him is all. I wonder if I ever will tell brenden about felix..

09/12/10

My mom and dad went out to this one party last night. They said all the kids had to get out of the house cause avery and brenden were both over. So my parents kicked us out and I finally got to drive alone with him in his car. Haha. It was fun. We ended up going to his work and seeing the dirt bike place behind it. It looked sweet. He had a bunch of scabs all over his knuckles, I asked him what they were from. He told me that he got them at work and i said it looked like he punched something. Later on we went to bares and nobles and just looked around and talked and whatnot. We got some books and then went and sat down. I sat on his lap and he eventually got the whole felix nonsense out of me.. He doesn't know about the part were i fell in love with him yet, but I'll eventually tell him.. hopefully. I told him about the bulimic thing.. but not about the cutting… eventually it will come out. I think he might think that like felix for real raped me or something though? Cause I like tried to explain everything but Im not really sure if it came out right. And cause after I told him about the felix thing, he just turned his head to the side and said that he felt like he should punch something.  I guess it was good to tell him, but i don't want him getting mad. I think it's weird how when people get sad or something bad happens they just decide to punch something. I don't get angry like that, it's just kinda odd for me. But then this morning we went to church. My whole family went except for ryan and then his mom and friend jeremy went. I don't think jeremy likes me very much. He always just gives me a look like he hates me… i honestly could care less though. Ha, i think it's actually pretty funny that that doesn't bother me one bit. If i went to boro that probably would bug me a lot. Idk why. I like brenden though.  (:

09/13/10

I think im just faking myself out. It really sucks when you hear a song and you know completely that it's your life, but you can't tell anyone about it because it's not the way it should be.

i live a fake life in order not to hurt anyone, in order to live out what i think god wants of me. He want's me to forget felix but of course.. that's impossible. ef. I don't think I'll ever be stable.. I just fill my life with so many ' things ' to keep me busy just so that i don't haveta focus on the actual state of my being.. i have come to realize that i can't just chill anymore. i have to always be doing something in order for me not to have a mental break down.. and take a bunch of vicodin like what happened the other night. I hate how the crap in my life is just the kind of crap that you normally wouldn't talk about with anyone. i really wish that it just wasn't a big deal.

Honestly, none of this freaking crap would have even happened if he didn't already think that i was hurting.. if i was a outwardly a happy kid then i really don't think that he would have taken advantage of me the way that he did… i don't know… maybe if he thought my innocence wasn't already stolen then he wouldn't have taken it. I hate myself sometimes.

09/14/10

miami valley game today, beat em 2-1. I scored the first goal, hahahahhha. It freaking ricocheted off of kelsey clarks foot. Lmao, ohhh and I took mac out. It was rather hilarious actually. I seriously love God so much. I don't know why I only go to him when it comes to soccer games.. i was thinking about that on the field today.. how everyone always says that they do that.. and i felt like i never did before.. but now since i want it so much more i just pray on the field… Hahah, God is seriously so great though, cause right after I said a prayer in my head on the field then he set me up and that's when I scored. He really does answer prayer.. Uhm, so god? If you can hear me right now as im thinking this out, i just want to say.. Thank you.. for tonight.. and for well showing me that you are present in my life. And that I need to take advantage of that. Lord, I know you have a plan for my life. Please let it unfold, and let me make sure that I give all the glory to you in the process. I love you… i don't even know if i can say that… cause i forsure don't show it… so i guess with where i am in my life right now I really like you lord. Help me to progress. Amen.

….. OH YEAH, AND I FORGOT TO MENTION. The goalie  "kk" or whatever was yelling at the ref and got taken out of the game right before the corner when i scored.. hahha, she was put back in the next play. Funny stuff God. You taught two lessons through that one. Hahaha.

09/15/10

Ryan's birthday is two days away. I want to get him something special, to let him know that I really do care about him. I don't know what to get him though. Hey God? Wanna help ms out? Hahha, woah. I'm a loser. But really though. I want to let him know that I'm always here for him. He would loose so much respect for me if he knew i took that vicodine. The problem is that I honestly want to do it again. It wasn't even that good the first time around and yet for some stupid reason i just want more. I just want to be happy. I've been so freaking depressed the past couple of days. Honestly. I don't even know what to do about the whole brenden thing. I just think that me and him are way too much alike to even be dating. Were not good for each other, and yet at the same time I feel like I really should start opening up to him. I mean I complain all the time about not having anyone to talk to and then God gives me b and i all the sudden act like I don't even want him… I don't know what in the world i want. I hate the fact that I feel like I can't get close to anyone at Dayton Christian. Like honestly. I really don't have any friends. i think it's because I just feel like people bore me. I don't even know what it is. It's just like I feel like im so much better than everyone else there and getting to know people would just be a waste of my time. I'm such a cooky little brat. I hate the way boor has made me look at life. UGH, i'm so confused these days. Me and barenden never even talk about anything significant anymore… i hate it. I wish i had the men parts to call him right now. But of course. I don't.  

09/16/09 I didn't call him last night.. I woke up at 3, then again at 5, and didn't even text him to see if he was awake.. I hate myself. We have a soccer game today. He has work, and I will have homework. This cycle never ends. And I know what I want in my life, but honestly is it even worth it? I freaking have given up my personality, my life, any fun that I could possibly be having, just so that I can get good grades and be a good kid. Just so that I can beat Ryan at something. Why do I need to beat Ryan? I'm an idiot. Why can't I just accept that and move on? I failed my drivers ed test yesterday.

09/16/09

I like being close with my family. They honestly help me so much. I love my dad and my brother. They just make me so happy.. They both are so much like me. Seriosly though, if i don't have anyone to talk to why couldn't i just vent to them? They love me more than any of my friends ever would. So much has happened tonight. After I talked to my dad, I talked to Ryan.. and i just kind of want to talk about that while it's still fresh in my mind so I don't forget like I always do. Well anyways. Ryan has decided that he doesn't want to be a christian anymore and he said that it's probably the best thing that he has ever done. All he does anymore is remain stationary. He likes, philosophy alittle too much. But i love to hear him talk about it. He is trying to go into everyday with the same mindset, looking off of his buhdist poster as a guide. He thinks that budism should not be his religion but rather his practice. Giving to people spreading love being the biggest hippie out there. He says he's not scared of death.. I don't believe him though.

10/01/10

i honestly just fell like an idiot.

10/02/10

nothing.

10/29/10

me and brenden broke up. we both just couldn't understand it anymore. i fight with him all the time, and honestly there's so much silence in our relationship. i would so want to get to know him, but i just can't. he's so introverted, in some ways. i just wish i could morph christian pollard and him into one person.. honestly though, i miss brenden a lot right now, and like last night i told him that i still want to hangout and stuff, but it's honestly just never going to be the same, ever again. he says were on a break, but i think we both know what that means. were done, unless i make an effort to want him back. i don't want to made the effort if he doesn't want to make it either. i don't know what im doing with my life.

10/31/10

today is halloween, but me and brooke trick or treated last night.

11/08/10

Today is Monday.

The days seem to all run together recently. i don't rely know why but time has just sped up extremely quickly for me. I don't really know what happens to all of the hours I think that I have. Recently I have been writing a lot in different journals that I have, and not really documenting anything about my life onto here. I don't really know but I kind of like writing a lot better than typing things on here. I don't know… it's more freeing. But tonight I have a lot to do/ work on school wise so I just figured that typing everything onto here would be a lot easier. School is so stressful recently. I don't know. I think it is mainly just because of science fair in general, and I am slowly beginning to realize just how much I procrastinate literally everything. everything. everything.

I hate that about myself.

OMG. i today in english I literally thought that i had kidney stones. it was bad. my stomach felt like there were knives inside of me piercing my skin from the inside out. it hurt, like hellllll-o. JELLO. Omg i feel in the mood for jello right now. Anyways, let me hit the details.

Brenden and me were talking like this whole weekend and i really wish that I could save like honestly every single text message because i just frankly like talking to him. And i always tell him that things are going to be different but honestly nothing ever seems to change. I know he will never change for me so i frankly know that i just have to. I don't know. I would so want to just be friends with him, but it's like the type of deal where i know he knows that i like him so it's just awkward, idk why. im just like that i guess. like with christian, we text sometimes and frankly he makes me really happy whenever we text but its not at all like that in person, and we even have study hall and everything together. I don't know. I wish i wasn't like the way that i am sometimes, and frankly ive been trying to change myself for a while now, hopefully im getting somewhere.

Anywyayzz; tomorrow!

I am going to walk up to him and hug him and say sorry. and not elaborate at all, and then just talk to him without anything being awkward. Omg, hopefully that's possible.

Ugh, alright i need to set my alarm. I still have to study for my us history test TOMORROW!

D:

Hello. I am Kelsey. I haven't written one of these "about me" things in a really long

time.. but I feel like it puts a lot of things into perspective so therefore.. here is goes.

Im 15. I live in springboro ohio with two loving parents, and two brothers. One pot

head brother and one anti-social brother. I am stuck in the middle,  and seem to

be the most averagely normal one. I go to Dayton Christian School and have been

for currently one full year. I love everything about it.. except for the people. I'm put

in a very selective enviournent and you really have to know who you are in order

to be stable there. I think I know who I am. Sometimes at least. I'm kind of bi-polar

a lot of the time though. Either extremely obnoxiously happy, and in a great mood,

making friends with just about everyone I see, am kind and loving. On the other

hand I am for sure a drab. I am dull, depressed, awkward, all the while trying to

fake a smile when I really wish that I could just cry. I think I need medicine.. I

have a long history of depression in my family. In a nut shell though, I really do

love my family though. We all live in this HUGE house in a really rich neighborhood

even though we don't need or deserve it. I don't like it what-so-ever. I like to

help people. When I get my license I feel like a lot of things are going to

change. I am GOING to spread so much love. And I will do it on my own

in my car. I have so many brilliant ideas. Dayton Street Minestries, making

cookies for everyone, hanging the haunted ghost on peoples doors.

When I get older I want to be a house mom and do everything in my power

to spread love to the world as well as my children. It will be very satisfying.

I am excited about my future. We will live in a small clean house with a

bunch of woods surrounding. I will make all my family eat healthy and

work out and be in good shape.  I will give them freedoms but not too

much. This world is becoming courrpt but my kids will not be corrupt.

I like music it soothes my soul. I like art it calms me down. I like this one

boy named brenden right now. He's perfect, in every single way, except

for the fact that he's so awkward, and absent minded. He doesn't know

how to talk to girls and I don't know how to help him. I'm for sure no

expert. I miss my friends from springboro sometimes. When you truly

find someone who you can trust with your whole heart when you know

their faults and can accept them for the person that they are and still

love them with your whole heart is when you really find a true friend.

Brooke, and demI, lauren and maybe cosette ? I don't know yet though

I'm still getting to know her. I am a good friend, and I like having

good friends. Keeping them is hard though. I hold huge grudges and

am never quick to forgive anyone. I over think everything and make sure

that I never do anything that I would ever regret. Though I sometimes

wish that I could be a bad kid, I would never have it in me. I feel like I

would be a failure if I ever tried anything. Drinking drugs sex, not on

my list. I like to create things. I like origami, I like sewing, knitting, books

intelligent people, soccer, foods, cleaning, music, shoes I need to

broaden my life, I hate wasting my time. Alright, I'm done. Goodbye.  (:

11/24/10

^^ That was just kind of random I know i haven't really written anything for awhile. I have been really busy… it's for sure a lot easier in the summer. It was really interesting though. I had to do science fair this year.. it was about caffeine consumption and how it effects your body while exercising. I guess I learned a little bit about it, but the main thing that I learned was how hard I could work. I literally did not do any of my board or project until right before the day I had to present it to the judges. I literally came home from school at three and worked until 2:30 in the morning. I was exhausted but honestly the next mooring i really did feel well rested and completely fine. From this experience i have learned that it is possible to get anything accomplished. You just have to want to.

11/26/10

I feel like whenever i'm on break or anything I always have time to write on this an update my life. So.. UPDATE.

Everything previuos about ryan "little king" and everything has been found out. The past two years there are no more secrets.. he is completely found out. And now, there is basically a war on drugs in my house. He doesn't even understand how much he effects our family. It's so completely annoying. He got the internet taken away after 12 for everyone. No phone after 10. He gets my parents attention all the time now. He is their main and only concern. My parents are now trying to act like the are super strict when I know it's completely fake. And I guarantee you it's only going to get worse. Our house will be a war zone soon enough. A prison. I'm glad I'm getting my license soon enough. April. That will be the month when EVERYTHING will change. I'm looking forward to it.. Anyways it's late and I can't talk forever but the main reason why i wanted to update in general was because the other day roni and sara came over to my house. Roni was tolerable, but sara was literally cracking jokes about God like three or four times. I really wish that i would have just stood up for myself right then and there. She was in my house. She isn't allowed to do that in my house. That's the exactly like her going to ronis house and cracking gay jokes.. rude and uncalled for. She honestly pisses me off so much. I think the main reason why is because she really reminds me so much of myself. In a lot of ways when i was in the 7-8th grade i was exactly like her. Wanting friends, looking for some one to have fun with, to conform to, and that's the only thing that i knew. Sara is like that know, weather she realizes it or not. She hates whenever people make fun of her… for example when people say that she smells, but then she goes ahead and makes fun of others all the time. Like it's her jobbbbb. Frankly thats where she finds fulfillment. I feel like a lot of people can handle not having a religion.LIke brooke for example she's a happy stable and motivated person. I feel like she wouldn't even understand the point of having a religion. She is just one of those people who is so comfortable in her own skin and knows her own morals so well that she doesn't need a higher power to look to for guidance. She looks towards her own morals. But then on the other hand there are people like sara… conformists. She is depressed like crazy on the inside, beucase she would do anything, she doesn't have any morals she doesn't have guidance from anyone except from her friends who promote so much hate just because they are insecure of themselves. It's all such a sad cycle. She is the type of person that for sure needs religion. Chrsitianity is not something to be made fun of for her, it's something that could potentially save her from killing herself. And I'm not even just saying christianity in general im saying any religion. Any religion at all. But she won't ever have a real religion, or any opinion on religion that is honestly her own, beucase she's a conformist.. and conformists never change unless they are forced to change… like me.

Anyways goodnight.ß

12/02/10

Okay so im starting my new years resolution alittle bit early now. If me and brenden aren't okay by the start of the new year then im going to move on, and im not going to be sad, and im going to find someone else… soon.. and if we don't work out then im going to take a bunch of pictures with my new guys and post them alll over Facebook so he gets really jealous. I want to make him miss me. He honestly has been such a douche to me recently, like he tells me that he likes me but in all honesty literally no one at my entire school could see that. what. so. ever. So therefore Im putting him in the hot seat. If he can't make me happy by january 1st then im done… tonight was the worst. I texted him, texted him, texted him, called him and then texted him once more… and what do i get? Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. I think Ive cried every day this week because he's been ignoring me. I cry way too often, but it just comes out.  I just can't keep it in. I fall too hard, way too fast… I'm going to stop that. I hope the New Year comes fast.

12/10/10 thank jesus. me and brenden are over for good now. AND he told me he didn't want to be with me and didn't have feelings for me anymore so thank jesus. Now, his little thing on his myspace won't make me cry anymore.  And actually what's weird about it is that I cryed soooo much about him and now that we aren't anything anymore I'm not crying, and im actually really happy. Oddly enough. He brought out the worst in my and it honestly just wasn't

even worth it at all. Yeah, its nice to have a boy friend but it's not at all worth my time. Soooo un-nessasary.

i just feel like he doesn't try at all.

he dones't even look at me during art class… ever

would never even think about calling me.

stops texting me when im in a bad mood or say something stupid.

Honestly if you want everything to be okay then i would want you to take some inititivate. cause honestly right now i feel like tanner, your best friend, is more comfortable with talking to me that you are. Like i don't freaking mean to make everything awkward but i don't know how to have a boyfriend at school. Like do you want me to sit with you at lunch? Do you what me to walk with you to your classesl? And half of this crap i feel like you should want to do for me, ilke your the guy. the guy is supposed to do that kind of stuff for the girl.

And then about the whole felix thing.. do you remember when i told you in athens that if i told you my intense little thing then you would feel differently and it would change just about everything? Well, i knew it would. So i just told you a portion of it, trying to make it seem like something else to cover up for what it actually was because i didn't want to tell you. Like i told you he took advantage of me, which he did on only one ocation

^^ this was from awhile ago..