#in my life! somewhere! please gods!

[marzipanandminutiae]

still no word back on the well-paid stitcher job and I'm losing my mind

please. please let this be the thing that finally breaks the cycle. I can't keep going as I am now and it's hard to see any way out. I need something in my life to change for the better- not that my life is unbearable, but I've been stagnating where I am for so long. I want to have the first full-time job of my goddamn life (at 31, which. you can see why I'm clawing the walls here)

I've had. one. ONE. interview for a full-time position in 8 years of looking. and now this. and it's been a week with no response. and I'm scared this is going to end up being nothing, too

what's wrong with me? why does no-one want me for anything? why will no-one even give me a chance?

[heartorbit]

revstar emu save me

[caeslxys]

Something I think is extremely interesting thematically when it comes to connecting what Downfall and the ideas it tackled to the overarching narrative of campaign three is that the things Downfall made a point to showcase of Aeor—Cassida, Hallis, the visual of an aeormaton proposing to her partner, the specific and intentional decision to shed light on a far from insignificant amount of the population being civilians or refugees—is that it plays in perfect parallel across from what is happening (and, really, has been happening) to the ruidusborn on Exandria in present.

Bear with me for a moment. Aeor is ultimately a city that was collectively punished for the decisions of its leadership. We could (and, judging by the amount of discourse around this particular topic already, probably will) argue about what the Gods’ motivation for all of this was—whether it be that they could not, in the end, bear to kill their siblings or that they were terrified at the prospect of mortality—for me it is a very healthy dose of both—but for this I am much more interested in the latter. They were scared. That, really, is the driving force behind both this arc and their role in c3 as a whole.

Why I point this out is: It is far more interesting to me, especially as we go back to Bells Hells this week, to dissect the Gods and their decisions not purely on sympathetic motivation alone but as beings in the highest seat of power in the highest social class in Exandria.

So, having established that the Gods (in relation to mortals) are more a higher social class than anything we could compare to our real life understanding of divinity and that Aeor was eviscerated largely because of their fear—what is the difference between those innocents in Aeor caught in the trappings of their autocratic government leadership and a divine war on the ground, and those of the ruidusborn being manipulated both by Ludinus and by the very thing that inspired such visceral fear in the Gods to start with. I would argue very little.

I think of Cassida, doing what she genuinely thought was right and good and would save people, her son, and the object of her worship—and how that did not matter enough to any of them to spare her because of the fear they held at the very concept of mortality. I think of Liliana and Imogen, one of which we know begged for the gods to help her or send her a sign for years on years, and how every single one of their largest struggles could have been avoided had the gods loved them, their supposed children, as much as they feared what they could be. I think of how the thing that did save Imogen, in the end, was a woman who herself existed in direct defiance of the gods will. I think of that young boy, sixteen years old, that Laudna exalted on Ruidus.

I think it’s completely fair to judge Aeor’s overall society as deeply corrupt—it was!—but its leadership and police force are not a reflection of every one of its citizens. Similarly, it is fair to judge the Ruby Vanguard as corrupt—it is!—but its multiple heads of leadership and even the god-eater further are not a reflection of every one of its members.

Notably, and what I think the Hells will latch onto, this did not matter to the Gods. It did not matter that Cassida was trying to help. She was still too much of a risk. Will it matter, what Imogen does? Will it matter, if that young boy is in the blast radius when they decide to take no further chances?

I’ve seen a lot of people say that the Hells will side with the gods and I don’t think I agree. Especially as Imogen has been scolded and villainized over and over for daring to try and save her mother—who herself has been seen by some as an irredeemable evil in spite of her drive being the exact same—her family—but when it’s the Gods it’s justified? When it’s the Gods, it’s sympathetic? Too sympathetic to criticize further than “they’re family”?

I obviously do not think the Gods should die or be eaten or what have you, and I certainly don’t agree with Ludinus (though I find him much more compelling than just a variation of hubris wizard), but when talking about the Gods in Aeor and in present it isn’t really at all about their motivation or their family. It can’t be. Too many people, including our active protagonists, lives have been effected for it to be as cut and dry as “they’re family”. These are your children. They are your family, too.

[lylahammar]

I've been rewatching the first two seasons of The Bear so I can watch the third season that just came out and man the character writing in this show makes me froth at the mouth it's like some of the best arcs I've ever seen in a TV series

[amoneki-ramblings]

hngh. okay first rant post I just think amoneki is so insane especially for how much they care and respect for each other right up until the very end like???

okay first of all there's obviously the way that they outright say (even if it's not directly to each other) that they don't want the other to die

Also the fact that Amon tells Kaneki to take a Break. In the middle of a fight. (Which also adds him to the pool of characters that are trying to tell Kaneki to tell him to just let himself rest for once (who he does Not listen to))

Also the fact that when Kaneki deals his first (and only) potentially fatal blow to Amon Ever, instead of feeling betrayed by the fact that he was trying to avoid attacking him before or thinking "Oh so this is where he finally tries to actually kill me" Amon just calls Kaneki strong. He Cut Off His Arm and Amon's first thought is just to say that he thinks he's strong, even if this should technically be a sort of betrayal to all their previous encounters and a Contradiction to what Amon observed at the beginning of this fight about how Kaneki really wasn't planning on killing him (it's like even though this happened he knows deep down that it wasn't with a real killing Intent).

He doesn't even think about himself or that he might Actually Die he's just thinking about Kaneki even right then and afterwards

(ohhh my god I hate Amon (/affecionate) I have so many Thoughts about him especially thoughts Specifically about how he has a sort of idealized version of Kaneki in his head from the few times they've interacted I could talk about it for Hours (but then I'm gonna be here for ages and I will get So off track) )

And it's also about the fact that. In his final thoughts/words in tg Kaneki opens up with Amon's words; these are his words that have been stuck in his head ever since he first heard them and they are some of the last words he clings to before he's "erased". (When I first saw that line near the opening of the final chapter I almost lost my Shit) Like,

It's about how even up until the end they're thinking about what they said to each other at that first encounter by the river

It's about how much impact they've had and Continue to have on each other even when they're basically Dying (and it's partially the others' fault)

It's about the actually Insane amount of parallels and the flipping of their situations between their first encounter and their last (in the original series)

It's about how neither of them deal the killing blow in an "unfair" fight (when the other is basically disarmed) but once they're on equal grounds that's the closest they've come to Actually killing the other and even then they don't want that to Actually happen and both hold onto that same thought

It's about how the natural thing would be for them to just fight and/or kill the other without a thought but they don't because "This guy's Different"

Enemies to It's Complicated. Enemies to you-have-impacted-my-worldview-in-irreversible-ways-and-I-wish-I-could-just-sit-down-and-talk-with-you-but-can't

Enemies to I-should-hate-you-because-you-(technically indirectly)-caused-the-death-of-someone-I-cared-about-but-also-your-words-won't-leave-my-head-and-I-want-to-know-more-about-you-also-I-don't-want-to-kill-you-but-you're-not-leaving-me-much-choice

Amoneki divorce has me so fucked up

[r0semultiverse]

It’s wild to me that some of you have entire discourse accounts dedicated to shipping hate & over analyzing shipping between the anime, manga, & light novels to the point of making harassment campaigns against the authors/writers of the side stories. Yet y’all don’t send the same hate towards Ikemoto & his highly suspect ass art style with the way he draws some of these kids.

[queenlucythevaliant]

🪆would love one featuring Russian thoughts on God! ✝️

SO. I could have sworn that I've posted "Avvakum in Pustozyorsk" on this blog before, but I can't seem to find it so here it is.

(For context, this is written in the voice of a 17th century Russian Orthodox priest and religious dissident (an "Old Believer"). Avvakum was sent to the military outpost of Pustozyorsk where he was imprisoned four fourteen years, then eventually burned at the stake. It uses this historical voice to reflect on the religious persecution of the Soviet era. Also, it's fairly long, so I've highlighted my favorite stanzas.)

Avvakum in Pustozyorsk The walls of my church are the ribs round my heart; it seems life and I are soon bound to part. My cross now rises, traced with two fingers. In Pustozyorsk it blazes; its blaze will linger. I’m glorified everywhere, vilified, branded; I have already become the stuff of legend: I was, people say, full of anger and spite; I suffered, I died for the ancient rite. But this popular verdict is ugly nonsense; I hear and reject the implied censure. A rite is nothing – neither wrong nor right; a rite is a trifle in God’s sight. But they attacked our faith and the ways of the past, in all we’d learned as children, and taken to heart. In their holy garments, in their grand hats, with a cold crucifix in their cold hands, in thrall to a terror clutching their souls, they drag us to jails and herd us to scaffolds. We don’t debate doctrine, of books and their age; we don’t debate virtues of fetters and chains. Our dispute is of freedom, and the right to breathe – about our Lord’s will to bind as he please. The healers of souls chastised our bodies; while they schemed and plotted, we ran to the forests. Despite their decrees, we hurled our words out of the lion’s mouth and into the world. We called for vengeance against their sins along with the Lord; we sang poems and hymns. The words of the Lord were claps of thunder. The Church endures; it will never go under. And I, unyielding, reading the Psalter, was brought to the gates of the Andronikov Monastery. I was young; I endured every pain: hunger, beatings, interrogations. A winged angel shut the eyes of the guard, brought me cabbage soup and a hunk of bread. I crossed the threshold – and I walked free. Embracing my exile, I walked to the East. I held services by the Amur River, where I barely survived the winds and blizzards. They branded my cheeks with brands of frost; by a mountain stream they tore out my nostrils. But the path to the Lord goes from jail to jail; the path to the Lord never changes. And all too few, since Jesus’s days, have proved able to bear God’s all-seeing gaze. Nastasia, Nastasia, do not despair; true joy often wears a garment of tears. Whatever temptations may beat in your heart, whatever torments may rip you apart, walk on in peace through a thousand troubles and fear not the snake that bites at your ankles – though not from Eden has this snake crawled; it is an envoy of evil from Satan’s world. Here, birdsong is unknown; here one learns patience and the wisdom of stone. I have seen no colour except lingonberry in fourteen years spent as a prisoner. But this is not madness, nor a waking dream; it is my soul’s fortress, its will and freedom. And now they are leading me far away and in fetters; my yoke is easy, my burden grows lighter. My track is swept clean dusted with silver; I’m climbing to heaven on wings of fire. Through cold and hunger, through grief and fear, towards God, like a dove, I rise from the pyre. O far-away Russia – I give you my vow to return from the sky, forgiving my foes. May I be reviled, and burned at the stake; may my ashes be cast on the mountain wind. There is no fate sweeter, no better end, than to knock, as ash, at the human heart.

--Varlam Shalamov

[nomairuins]

loveee when a character is crushed under the weight of someone elses expectations for them love when a character dedicates their entire life to something they never even wanted for themself love when the only reason a character keeps going is because theyre Supposed to and bc theyre supposed to make another person happy/proud. YES !!! CLAPPING !!! YES !!!!!!!!

[subsequentibis]

.

[gardening--tools]

rick perry documentary watch everyday?

watch rick perry documentary everyday?

watch rick perry documentary watch everyday rickperry watch everyday documentary rick perry everyday?

[g1-skywarp]

hi chat, ive been trying to """coming up with my own attempt at happiness"". basically the good news is i (try to) vent less. so dont be surprised if my blog is Extra dead.

[fructidors]

girl help three bad days have got me seriously considering switching schools again

[sad-lime]

One of my best friends often gives me unsolicited advice which pisses me off when anyone does it but her doing it especially pisses me off because it’s usually things I already know and don’t want to hear

[toothmarqed]

fallen prey to saying stupid shit on the internet without thinking and coming off as incredibly rude and insensitive. i feel sick to my stomach. never commenting on anything else ever again. deserve to be squashed under someone’s shoe and ground into powder. in all seriousness this has shocked me so much that i am quitting every platform but tumblr for however long it takes for me to get some sense knocked into my dumb fucking skull

[trashbaget]

clea duvall really did not have to go this hard, i am growing up with unrealistic expectations of finding my own Emotionally Layered Sexy Biker Butch Good Bad Girl™

[a-hearts-a-heavy-burden]

5 days to homelessness - Thank you if you helped

Just a brief update to my situation for those who've helped / been worried. My sister has given me to 1/15/2023 to move out. I have not been able to obtain accommodations and therefor it looks as though I will end up homeless. It's getting bitterly cold outside and I am not looking forward to this one bit. I'm scared sick and I am also worried about losing the little bit of income I have due to no longer having an address. To anyone who has helped me buy food, medication etc, I appreciate you. You have no idea how much your donations mean to me. I hope one day I am able to pay it forward. You'll always be in my heart and I wish you the warmest, safest 2023. Here's hoping for a miracle.