#that was supposed to be for freshman year while i was still figuring everything out THIS year i was supposed to LIKE my CLASSES

[fructidors]

girl help three bad days have got me seriously considering switching schools again

[luvyeni]

𝐀 𝐕𝐈𝐑𝐆𝐈𝐍 𝐖𝐇𝐎 𝐂𝐀𝐍'𝐓 𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐃 ! ㅤ ㅤ𓂃 ㅤ박성훈

CHAPTER SEVEN. close proximity ... 「 materialist 」

ㅤ୨ৎ no one in your friend group couldn't understand why you and sunghoon stopped being friends after freshman year of college; they all chalked it up as for reasons only you and he knew about , you and sunghoon couldnt get along, and when he threatened to tell your brother something your deepest darkest secret you called him a virgin who couldn't read to your 24k fans and the name spread throughout the campus…

ㅤ𓂃 🎞️. chapter warnings. language, suggestive thoughts ( both of them are horribly down bad for each other ) word count. 1725

tapping your foot impatiently on the ground as you waited for the boy to answer the phone. “noona?” you scoffed. “don't noona me won , he's an hour late.”

“i know , i know he was caught up at work , he said he was on the way now.” your brother said , trying not to piss you off even more. “i told you i wasn't gonna wait , i didn't even want to do this.” you said. “yeah well now you don't have to worry about groceries.” he said. “i don't need the money won.” you never needed the extra money. “yeah well i figured you didn't since you were doing so well at the salon.” you hummed , you hated lying to him but you knew he'd judge; not to mention tell your parents. “i can always get a job.” he said.

“i told you, pay attention to school, i got you , im not struggling won.” you said. “just need him to hurry up , what if i needed to do something.” you questioned. “noona , you have his number , call him.” you scoffed. “it will be a cold day in hell before i ever call him , you'd have to be dying.”

“so me dying will get you to be cool again?” he said. “no , but i’d be good at your funeral , for your sake.” he gasped , you smiled. “rude , you two used to be inseparable , until you randomly called him a virgin who couldn't read.” you sighed , you never told him what happened , the real reason you and sunghoon stopped being friends. “i still don't understand.”

“understand what won?” you asked. “why you said that , it was so sudden , what happened?’ he curiously asked. “won some people change , things just change , we just drifted apart when we started college , do you still talk to anyone else from highschool ?” you asked. “besides the guys? no.”

“exactly.” you said. “yeah but the — won drop it , just call him and tell him to get his ass over here.” he whined. “fine why are you so mean.” you rolled your eyes hanging up. you hated how overbearing your brother could be sometimes; you loved but sometimes you questioned who was the oldest and who was the youngest.

it had been a while since you and sunghoon had been alone; most of the time the two of you hung out is when you hung out with the guys and even then it would always end in you and him being pulled away from each other , red in the face from anger.

if anyone was to see you guys and you told him you and him used to be closer than you and jake , they'd think you were crazy; but believe it or not you and sunghoon were super close until everything changed that one month before your second year of college…

there was a knock on the door that brought you from your thoughts; you looked at the time a hour and a half , that's how late he was. you were pissed; getting up from your couch, making your way over to the door. “who is it?”

sunghoon rolled his eyes. “unless you planned on having a guy over, who else would it be.” you scoffed. “yeah well , the dumbass that was supposed to be here is an hour late.” he hit the door harder. “open the door yn.” you unlocked the door , cracking it open. “give me the money.” you held your hand out. “you serious?” he said. “you want to be tutored right?”

he cursed , pulling out his phone; he typed in a few things, before turning it towards you. “happy?” you slammed the door in his face , he sighed; hearing the deadbolt unlock, the door finally opening. “never will i be happy about this.” you walked away , allowing him inside you home. “take your dirty shoes off.”

“if you're not happy then why are you doing this then?” he asked. “because of my brother.” he followed behind you. “you could fail for all i care , that just means you'd probably have to drop out and at least i wouldn't have to see you anymore.” you pushed the door open to your room. “yeah whatever.” he dropped his bag on the floor. “let's get this over with i have things to do later.”

“sure those girls who are constantly blowing up your phone can wait.” he watched you go around the room collecting all the books you'd need. “you sound like you're jealous.”

“of you? no, but i do feel bad for those girls , must be such a disappointment.” you didn't see his tongue poking the inside of his cheek. “sit.” you pointed to the floor. “you're not sitting on my bed.”

upon sitting down he noticed the camera point at your bed. “filming something before i got here is a bit shameless , is that why i can't sit on the bed yet , cause you haven't changed the sheets.” you scoffed. “you wish you fucking pervert.” he watched you get up from the bed , pulling the camera off the tripod. “i didn't pay you 200 dollars to fuck around , i need help.” he said. “so help me.”

“i took the liberty in asking your teachers what you needed help in, and looks like i hit the jackpot , you suck at everything.” you said. “so help me , im paying you for a reason.” he said. “try opening the damn book.” he huffed , pulling out a textbook. “seriously are you dumb?” you picked up the book. “what that's the book.”

“yeah from last year , that's why you don't understand anything, you're reading the wrong fucking book.” you snatched it from him, throwing it in the trash. “i have to pay for those books, you know , i don't have extra cash like that.” you sighed , handing him the extra book you kept in case you yeojin lost the original. “keep it , use that one.” he took the book from you, watching you as you sat down. “now open it.”

three hours and four different books later; you were ready for him to go, even when you were close and and would study together , you hardly got any work done , and now that you two weren't close anymore his presence irritated you; but in some sick and twisted way , turned you on. the close proximity, and you both being alone ; and you not having any in a while outside of jake and that wasn't real , it was acting. and here he sat , in all his irritable but sexy glory— it made you mad.

“we're done , we took all the notes you will need , study that on your own , you fail not my problem.” you stood up from the bed , stretching; he looked up from the books , your shirt lifting revealing your stomach. “excuse me pervert.” you pulled your shirt down. “why are you still here?”

he stood up; looking at you once more, your tight tank top accentuating the curves that he not only saw on camera; but had the pleasure of seeing a few times in the past. “you're such a narcissist , not everyone is always staring at you , not everyone is a fan of you.” you scoffed. “but you are.” you mumbled , but he heard you. “such a bitch.”

he looked down for a quick second , then back at you. “you can seriously go now.” you said. “tell me do you always leave your toys around or is this some sick perverted thing you do to company.” you looked down and to your horror , one of the many toys you owned was laying on the floor. “get the fuck out now!” you shouted , kicking it under the bed. “calm down , im going after i use the bathroom , is this anyway to treat your guest?” he smirked walking out of the room. “you aren't a wanted guest!” you shouted back in response.

how could that have happened; you sat on the bed , yanking at your hair. “so embarrassing.” you screeched. “i’m gonna kill jungwon.” you flopped down on the bed , your phone buzzing beside you. “oh sunoo.” you cried out , picking up the device , think you'd be able to cry to your friend — except it wasn't your phone; it was sunghoons phone, he must've left it before going to the bathroom.

you were inclined to put it down , nothing inside that man's phone interested you; well at first. kingsteve.12.08 you knew that name from anywhere. “what are you doing?”

once he got to the bathroom; he shut the door with a sigh. the look on your face when he discovered your sex toy; the redness of your cheeks. “fuck.” he gripped the sink, he just had to find it. why did he have to find it? because now he couldn't get the picture of you using it out of his head. “i have to get out of here.” he said to himself, fearing what he might do if he didn't.

he made his way back to your room, ready to leave; but the smirk on your face made him curious. “what are you doing?” he said , his eyes going down to your hand , which held his phone. “using your english name was smart , i would've gotten that , but im surprised you used your birthday , because i know that.” soon his phone was pointing directly at him, his profile pulled up on the screen. “not only do you watch my content , you're my top subscriber.”

“give me that right fucking now.” he said. “now yn.” you scoffed. “this is just fucking great; now if you tell him this i just show him this and guess what?” sunghoon reached for the phone , but you pulled back. “try explaining that.”

he grabbed your wrist; you pulled your wrist. “let me go.” you yanked your arm, his eyes low , you gulp. “i said fucking let me go.” both of your faces red , anger? arousal who knows; but one thing is for sure , you both had to separate before you both did something you regret or one of you murdered each other , and with how big he was , he definitely had the upper hand on both ends.

snatching his phone away; pushing you down on the bed, putting it away. he picked his bag off the ground. “i really hate you yang yn.” he gritted through his teeth.

“right back at you park sunghoon.”

「 previous - next 」

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©LUVYENI translations to other sites prohibited, reblogs are appreciated but not forced !

[pupyuj]

[cw: g!p, dubcon technically but it was never specified, manipulation, corruption, oral, throatfucking, overstimulation, breeding]

forgot i was supposed to be a writer for ggs and not just yujin ya'll my bad 😍😍😍😍 SO HERE, HAVE A SSERA THOUGHT!

so like, maybe you're in this huge friend group of some mildly popular students in the campus and you have yunjin as this cool and funny older sister figure who, at the same time, you also kind of admire a lot bcs she's so talented and pretty and.. you get the idea! there's a bit of an age gap between the two of you with you almost being done w freshman year and yunjin nearly getting out of school entirely, so you find yourself depending on her a lot 🥺🥺 and ofc she helps you whether it was school, your life, your future, your current issues, etc... she will always be there for you!!

and you've become so dependant on her so ofc you would be comfortable telling her that you're a virgin.. no experience whatsoever and you've barely kissed outside of those truth or dare games back in middle school! and apparently this was enough incentive for yunjin to suggest 'helping you out' with that 'problem'... you didn't really have time to think on what she meant bcs by the next second, she took your hand and made you touch that big bulge on her pants and she was saying, "see, (y/n)? i'm well-equipped with this kind of thing... let me help you!"

🥺 little did you know, your yunjin-unnie has always had these dirty thoughts about you,,, and she was soooo happy she finally gets to make all her wishes come true... she was telling you about how she has always daydreamed about bending you over a desk, or fucking you against the wall, or touching your tits and everything that was so, so lewd while you were choking on her cock :(( you've never done this before, how were you just supposed to take all of her in???? 😔 but yunjin didn't actually care about guiding you through it all.. she just wanted to get laid :(((

yunjin completely just fucking using your mouth for her own pleasure :(( holding your head still and bucking her hips upward,, your pained moans and gagging sounds only turning her own more and more 🫠🫠 and the sight of you bent over with your cute plump ass up, humping the air.. aww, seems like you needed some attention... but yunjin has to come first :((( her using your throat to her full extent, completeltly disregarding the tears in your eyes and the way you clawed at her thighs just begging for her to stop or at least slow down but this yunjin-unnie was so different :(( and finally she was coming,, forcing her load down your throat and not giving you an opportunity to not swallow it all...

yunjin patting your cheek and smiling at the way her cum has spilled on your jaw, "good job, baby... now let's give your pussy some love, hm?" then she was taking your shorts and panties off,, she actually chucked your panties to her vanity table, muttering something about keeping it for 'future uses'.. PERVERT 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

her teaching you a few things :(( holding your waist and instructing you how to basically fuck youself into her cock,,, but she was so big, could she even fit inside you???? well, yunjin wasn't gonna take no for answer! she gets you started herself, putting her tip inside your cunt, moaning at your warmth before telling you to move,,,, and ofc you move... remembering what she taught you, bringing your waist up and slamming it down on her cock, screaming the initial pain and shock bcs of her length 😵‍💫😵‍💫 but yunjin insists that you keep going so you do,, repeating the same action over and over,, moaning loudly bcs it hurt so much, but also felt good...

yunjin taking matters into her own hands bcs you were so slow,,, gripping your waist and ramming into you in a relentless pace,, you shouldn't have expected anything else from her at this point,,,, screaming and crying on her pillow :((( but you were still moving with her bcs you wanted to come too :(( ofc you didn't know this so you were just thinking that you were nothing but a slut after all 😩 loving what yunjin was doing despite everything...

yunjin making you come so hard your legs shook,,,,,, but she was still using her hole bcs she hasn't come yet... and she does shortly after,, but again, she doesn't stop???? she wanted to breed you full of her seed. she doesn't want a single drop of her cum wasted so she keeps fucking your cunt in that same ruthless pace for hours on end, coming inside you over and over... 😵‍💫 and you're not begging for her to stop anymore bcs you've gotten used to her cock.. you always have been a quick learner! 🤭

okay but yunjin fucked you to a point where you felt like you needed to always have her dick inside you... so it was midnight and yunjin finally got tired after hours and hours of breeding you.. and there you are, climbing on top of her, waking her up in the process,,, telling her that you need her cum inside you again bcs you were starting to feel empty... and obviously yunjin will want to fill you up after you so politely asked like a good girl... so she allows you to ride her cock until both of you were shaking from overstimulation.. 🤤🤤

yunjin saying shit to you while she watched you bouncing on her dick so smoothly,,,

"heh.. i fucked you up in the head too, didn't i? you wouldn't even think of doing something like this when you woke up this morning..."

and it was so true :(( (y/n), the cute underclassman was gone.. you were just a fucktoy now :((( molded by yunjin to be her personal cumdump... 🫣🫣

[sondheim-girly]

alright chat, time to yap about Paul’s very comphet crush he developed on marcia!

warning: this is all based on things that the actors in the musical have said are canon about their characters, im just filling everything in with my headcanons. If anyone’s curious about what parts came from the actors just send me an ask!

-ok so first off, we’re just gonna ignore Darry’s canon age for the sake of these headcanons cuz it’s SO inconsistent in the musical and confuses me endlessly

-Paul, bob, trip and Darry are all in the same grade

-Marcia, Bev, cherry, brill, and Chet are in the grade after them

-and then two grades below them are Melvin and Sergei, but they’re irrelevant to all this (if u ever want me to talk about them tho I have so many thoughts dw)

-ok so it all starts when Paul’s in 8th grade

-even tho they’re all so young the guys are already starting that toxic masculinity thing in how they talk about girls

-and bob already had the biggest crush on cherry (he legit has liked her since forever)

-and b&b already know that they’re gonna get married and have planned out their entire future 🤦

-so there’s this whole expectation that Paul also likes a girl

-and he can’t figure out why he’s never felt that way before

-so one day they’re all in a pe class that mixes the grades

-and they’re all talking about girls and blah blah and someone asks Paul what girl he likes

-and Paul looks over and pretty much randomly picks Marcia

-and so it begins!

-they all make it this whole big thing about how he likes her, and when Bev finds out it’s basically over

-Bev thinks that Marcia is just too weird and needs someone like Paul to make her… more soc and make her mind her own business ya know?

-Marcia’s always been the kind of person to always speak up when she shouldn’t, and she’s too loud, and so she also feels this pressure to try and fit in

-so with some pressuring from Bev, she’s like ‘ok sure I like Paul and I’d go out with him’

-and also girly wants the validation of someone liking her cuz she’s insecure as hell

-so they start dating, and it is SO AWKWARD

-not only are they in middle school, which is always the recipe for awkward dating, but neither of them actually like each other as more than friends

-neither of them even like them very much as friends!

-they go to the movies once, and Paul decides to hold Marcia’s hand because he knows that’s what he’s supposed to do

-and Marcia spends the entire movie like🧍‍♀️I hate this

-after they date awkwardly for a while, Paul decides he should kiss her, cuz like… isn’t that what he’s supposed to want?

-anyways Marcia immediately cringes away from him and is like “sorry I can’t do this anymore! I’m breaking up with you!”

-poor girl was dating the gayest boy in town

-anyways he’s kinda relieved for a while

-but when he goes into freshman year he has this epiphany that he likes darry in the way he was supposed to like marcia

-and he doesn’t fully understand, but he freaks the fuck out and can’t look Darry in the eye for weeks

-so he completely gaslights himself into thinking that actually Marcia broke his heart and he still likes her

-and he keeps this up for a while, but it gets harder and harder to ignore what he’s feeling for darry

-so he kinda forgets about Marcia but keeps her as the default answer whenever the guys are talking about girls and being gross in the locker room

-but while doing that he’s totally messing around with Darry

-they both have so much crazy internalized homophobia but they’re also both so madly in love with each other

-they’ve definitely drunkenly made out on multiple occasions

-and sometimes when they were completely sober

-but they don’t talk about that!!

-anyways right around when Darry and Paul ‘break up’ is when Marcia and trip get together

-which is perfect timing for Paul because he just throws himself in to being ‘heartbroken’ over that instead of being heartbroken over his boyfriend dumping him

-and he’s just so freaked out about the way he felt about Darry that the he just forces himself into liking Marcia more and more

-and then we’re all caught up to canon!

[duckprintspress]

10 Books for Pansexual and Panromantic Visibility Day!

May 24th is Pansexual and Panromantic Visibility Day, so make sure to say hi to your pan friends before they’re invisible again! We’re celebrating with (shock) book recommendations! Explicit pan rep is hard to come by, and in cases where it’s implied, the difference between interpreting a characters as bi versus pan is often down to personal perceptions of the character and the sexuality/romanticisms in questions. With that in mind, we present 10 titles we loved with either explicit or implied pan rep! The contributors to this list are: Nina Waters, Tris Lawrence, boneturtle, E. C., and two anonymous contributors

All Systems Red (The Murderbot Diaries series) by Martha Wells

“As a heartless killing machine, I was a complete failure.”

In a corporate-dominated spacefaring future, planetary missions must be approved and supplied by the Company. Exploratory teams are accompanied by Company-supplied security androids, for their own safety.

But in a society where contracts are awarded to the lowest bidder, safety isn’t a primary concern.

On a distant planet, a team of scientists are conducting surface tests, shadowed by their Company-supplied ‘droid—a self-aware SecUnit that has hacked its own governor module, and refers to itself (though never out loud) as “Murderbot.” Scornful of humans, all it really wants is to be left alone long enough to figure out who it is.

But when a neighboring mission goes dark, it’s up to the scientists and their Murderbot to get to the truth.

A Fisherman of the Inland Sea by Ursula K. Le Guin

The award-winning stories in A Fisherman of the Inland Sea range from the everyday to the outer limits of experience, where the quantum uncertainties of space and time are resolved only in the depths of the human heart. Astonishing in their diversity and power, they exhibit both the artistry of a major writer at the height of her powers and the humanity of a mature artist confronting the world with her gift of wonder still intact.

Commit to the Kick by Tris Lawrence

For eighteen years, Alaric has lived under the cloying politics of family and his Clan community. His freshman year is supposed to be a chance to explore a world where Clan and his shapeshifting Talent isn’t central to his life. But when his inner bear bursts forth during his first football game, endangering those around him, Alaric realizes that it’s not so easy to ignore his past, or his own internalized anger.

In his quest for anger management, Alaric begins to train in taekwondo, and makes new friends in both sports. He finds that he is creating his own small community, where Clan, Mages, other Talents, and even humans come together and build their own found family.

When Alaric receives news that something has happened to his brother Orson, he must return and deal with his Clan and his place in their world. He discovers that old prejudices are still strong between Clan and Mage communities, but that both may be in danger from a creature long thought to be only a legend. Alaric must figure out how to move forward and prevent a war and protect both his home and newly built communities, his found family with him every step of the way. 

Count Your Lucky Stars by Alexandria Bellefleur

Margot Cooper doesn’t do relationships. She tried and it blew up in her face, so she’ll stick with casual hookups, thank you very much. But now her entire crew has found “the one” and she’s beginning tofeel like a fifth wheel. And then fate (the heartless bitch) intervenes. While touring a wedding venue with her engaged friends, Margot comes face-to-face with Olivia Grant—her childhood friend, her first love, her first… well, everything. It’s been ten years, but the moment they lock eyes, Margot’s cold, dead heart thumps in her chest.

Olivia must be hallucinating. In the decade since she last saw Margot, her life hasn’t gone exactly as planned. At almost thirty, she’s been married… and divorced. However, a wedding planner job in Seattle means a fresh start and a chance to follow her dreams. Never in a million years did she expect her important new client’s Best Woman would be the one that got away.

When a series of unfortunate events leaves Olivia without a place to stay, Margot offers up her spare room because she’s a Very Good Person. Obviously. It has nothing to do with the fact that Olivia is as beautiful as ever and the sparks between them still make Margot tingle. As they spend time in close quarters, Margot starts to question her no-strings stance. Olivia is everything she’s ever wanted, but Margot let her in once and it ended in disaster. Will history repeat itself or should she count her lucky stars that she gets a second chance with her first love? 

Maneater (Monsters of Moonvale series) by Emily Antoinette

If something ever seems too good to be true, it probably is. That’s how the “friendly” invitation to join a new coven turned into a surprise demon summoning. At least it wasn’t a virgin sacrifice. Then I really would have been screwed—and not in the way they plan for with the succubus they’ve bound. 

When I help free her from the bindings and offer her a ride back to work, things get even weirder. She tells me she wants to see me again. This captivating woman wants to see me—a nerdy witch who spends his free time playing D&D. 

There’s no way she means it. Because that’s definitely too good to be true. Still, there’s no way I can resist the opportunity to spend more time with a goddess like her. 

There’s Magic Between Us by Jillian Maria

A diehard city girl, 16-year-old Lydia Barnes is reluctant to spend a week in her grandma’s small town. But hidden beneath Fairbrooke’s exterior of shoddy diners and empty farms, there’s a forest that calls to her. In it, she meets Eden: blunt, focused, and fascinating. She claims to be hunting fae treasure, and while Lydia laughs it off at first, it quickly becomes obvious that Eden’s not joking-magic is real.

Lydia joins the treasure hunt, thrilled by all the things it offers her. Things like endless places in the forest to explore and a friendship with Eden that threatens to blossom into something more. But even as she throws herself into her new adventure, some questions linger. Why did her mom keep magic a secret? Why do most of the townspeople act like the forest is evil? It seems that, as much as Lydia would like to pretend otherwise, not everything in Fairbrooke is as bright and easy as a new crush…

Fire and Flight (ElfQuest series) by Wendy and Richard Pini

The forest-dwelling elves called the Wolfriders are burnt out of their ancestral home by vengeful humans. Betrayed by cowardly trolls, the elfin band, led by Cutter, Blood of Ten Chiefs, must cross the Burning Waste to find a haven they’ve never seen before. Can the Wolfriders survive? If they do, what surprises await them at Sorrow’s End?

Fledgling by Octavia E. Butler

This is the story of an apparently young, amnesiac girl whose alarmingly unhuman needs and abilities lead her to a startling conclusion: She is in fact a genetically modified, 53-year-old vampire. Forced to discover what she can about her stolen former life, she must at the same time learn who wanted-and still wants-to destroy her and those she cares for and how she can save herself.

Final Draft by Riley Redgate

Laila Piedra doesn’t drink, doesn’t smoke, and definitely doesn’t sneak into the 21-and-over clubs on the Lower East Side. The only sort of risk Laila enjoys is the peril she writes for the characters in her stories: epic sci-fi worlds full of quests, forbidden love, and robots. Her creative writing teacher has always told her she has a special talent. But three months before graduation, Laila’s number one fan is replaced by Nadiya Nazarenko, a Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist who sees nothing at all special about Laila’s writing.

A growing obsession with gaining Nazarenko’s approval–and fixing her first-ever failing grade–leads to a series of unexpected adventures. Soon Laila is discovering the psychedelic highs and perilous lows of nightlife, and the beauty of temporary flings and ambiguity. But with her sanity and happiness on the line, Laila must figure out if enduring the unendurable really is the only way to greatness.

Before I Let Go by Marieke Nijkamp

Best friends Corey and Kyra were inseparable in their tiny snow-covered town of Lost Creek, Alaska. But as Kyra starts to struggle with her bipolar disorder, Corey’s family moves away. Worried about what might happen in her absence, Corey makes Kyra promise that she’ll stay strong during the long, dark winter.

Then, just days before Corey is to visit, Kyra dies. Corey is devastated–and confused, because Kyra said she wouldn’t hurt herself. The entire Lost community speaks in hushed tones, saying Kyra’s death was meant to be. And they push Corey away like she’s a stranger.

The further Corey investigates–and the more questions she asks–the greater her suspicion grows. Lost is keeping secrets–chilling secrets. Can she piece together the truth about Kyra’s death and survive her visit?

You can also view this list on the shelf on our Goodreads, or visit Bookshop.org and check out this list in our affiliate shop! Note: due to the difficulty of differentiating a pan characters versus a bi character unless which they are is explicitly identified in canon, we have put bi and pan characters on joint lists – so these lists linked are bisexual and/or pansexual character lists.

What are your favorite books with pansexual and panromantic characters?

[xhellodollyx]

I still have to put together a summary and timeline of my chiffany fankid but for now i will share her faceclaim and her name and a rough, brief summary for her character.

Name: Amy Elizabeth Ray (faceclaim is Havana Rose Liu)

I'm retconning Don's shitty timeline for this: that Chucky and Tiffany were childhood friends that reunited years later in their early 20s. Amy was rather an unexpected but welcomed surprise for them (after the initial shock wore off), as they both had dreams of having a family. Amy was born in 1981. She was only 7 when Chucky died, and she didn't quite understand the severity of 'death' as she was brought along on some 'outings' by Chucky, though she never killed anyone herself. It was rather to get her adjusted to the lifestyle young, though never forced upon her. She didn't understand any of it, but there seemed to be something in her blood early on that called to it, the violence. She didn't understand it, only met with 'you'll understand when you're older' by her mother when asked.

Really, she didn't know Chucky had died right away. She just wondered why her dad wasn't coming home to tuck her in like he used to—Tiffany didn't want to break the news to her, and they were quick to move out of Chicago a short time after he was shot and killed, all the while Amy was not aware at all that he was dead. She'd ask her mother over and over again and was only met with a vague answer:

"He'll be back soon."

With tears in her mother's eyes, which Amy didn't understand. If her dad was coming home soon, why did her mother not seem so sure about that, why did she seem so sad when asked about Chucky at all?

Then, the nightmares started shortly after they moved to the trailer park. Nightmares of people dying by her hands, nightmares of her father dead, which didn't make sense, surely he wasn't dead, he was alive and he would come back, right?

Amy doesn't find out the truth until she's 13. Finally enough was enough, the constant questions about her father and where he was finally got her the answer she sought: but not the one she wanted. That her father was dead.

That led to her middle school and high school years being plagued with memories of a time she longed to go back to, missing her father, fighting this urge crawling in her blood, and fighting with the knowledge of who her father really was. The reality of what she was exposed to as a child hit her then, that the blood and the screaming and the terror in those victims' eyes had been real. That those nightmares had actually meant something. Amy felt conflicted. She missed her dad, she loved him, and she loved her mother, but knowing who they were, and what they did, it was a lot to take in. Was she really supposed to take their place as a killer too one day? Was it really in her blood?

It causes a rift between her and her mother—she starts to drift away into books and art, not able to figure out who she was and who she could be. School was hard enough, she already felt like a freak, made to feel like one, so all she could look forward to was going to college. Maybe she would find out who she was in college. That's what everyone says happens, surely it could happen for her too.

By the events of Bride, Amy went off to college. Only early on in her freshman year did she feel like maybe she could find herself and things were looking up. She still kept in contact with her mother of course, but it started becoming less and less frequent on Amy's end, too busy with her studies and school work to take every call from Tiffany.

Though the nightmares only continued, as they had since she was 8. But they were becoming worse and more frequent. Not too long after did she receive a call from the police, one she never expected, one that made her heart stop.

Her mother was dead. Electrocuted in the bath.

Amy had to drop everything, take a break for the semester to go back home and make arrangements, all while in shock, her grief slow, trying to process that her mother was dead, that she was now an orphan with no family at all. But when she gets home to make arrangements, she comes home to quite a sight—police everywhere, her mother possibly connected to some recent murders, dolls everywhere. And police asking questions about why her mother's prints and her father's prints are at the scene of multiple murders that just occurred after her mother's death.

Just how much else did her mother keep from her? What else did Tiffany not tell her?

[jujitto]

𝖸𝗈𝗎 𝖧𝖺𝗍𝖾 𝖬𝖾, 𝖡𝗈𝗈 𝖧𝗈𝗈 | 🎧 . !! 𝖩𝖺𝗄𝖾 𝖲𝗂𝗆

—★! 𝗐𝖼 ! 𝟣.𝟦𝗄

—★! 𝖼𝗈𝗇𝗍𝖾𝗇𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗋𝗇𝗂𝗇𝗀 ! 𝗇𝗈𝗇𝖾!

—★! 𝗌𝗒𝗇𝗈𝗉𝗌𝗂𝗌 ! 𝗒/𝗇 𝗇𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝗄𝗇𝖾𝗐 𝗐𝗁𝗒 𝗃𝖺𝗄𝖾 𝖽𝗂𝖽𝗇𝗍 𝗅𝗂𝗄𝖾 𝗁𝖾𝗋. 𝗂𝗍 𝗐𝖺𝗌 𝖺 𝗊𝗎𝖾𝗌𝗍𝗂𝗈𝗇 𝗌𝗁𝖾 𝗁𝖺𝖽 𝖺𝗅𝗐𝖺𝗒𝗌 𝗁𝖺𝖽 𝗈𝗇 𝗁𝖾𝗋 𝗆𝗂𝗇𝖽. 𝗍𝗁𝗈𝗎𝗀𝗁 𝗂𝗍 𝗇𝖾𝗏𝖾𝗋 𝗍𝗋𝗎𝗅𝗒 𝗀𝗈𝗍 𝖺𝗇𝗌𝗐𝖾𝗋𝖾𝖽 𝗎𝗇𝗍𝗂𝗅 𝗍𝗁𝖺𝗍 𝗏𝖾𝗋𝗒 𝗇𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍.

You hated me. No need to lie and say you didn't. Your eyes told me everything. Your movements showed me everything. You hated me. You hated me. You hated me. Why? I never knew. how? That I didn't know. When? It's what I wanted to know. When did you start hating me?

Why did you start hating me? Was it something I did that made you upset? Was it something I said that made you upset? Or was just my overall present that upset you and made you mad at me? If I could go back in time to figure out what I did to you to make you the way that you are towards me then I would, but time doesn't work like that, unfortunately.

You sat at your lunch table surrounded by your friends who joked around and playfully pushed you but your eyes held so much anger and tension behind even though you had a smile on your face. I could feel your glare on the back of my neck. It was like this every day.

You glared at me while I did it my best to ignore it. Ignore it because I had no idea why it was happening in the first place. It was like this ever since freshman year and has been the same even now in senior year. Three years you spent holding this vendetta against me and for what reason. Lunch was over, and yet the glare was still the same.

Though I knew once I was out of your eyesight, those eyes are yours softened, and the smile came back. I could tell because I could hear your laugh from where I stood. I wanted to know how long this will go on. Will this go on until we graduated high school and become adults? But who would thought this would all come to an end when you unexpectedly moved away?

You had moved before anyone could even notice. Sure people noticed that you weren't around and missed your presence but to me, it felt weird. Weird not feeling your glare on the back of my neck. Weird, not hearing you mumble words about me. Weird to not see you glare at me as I walk across the stage for graduation. Maybe it was for the best that you did leave? Because after you had a left, everything was all right.

No more questioning what I did wrong to you. No more feeling like I was stupid. Everything was all right until it wasn't. Sophomore year of college. It was going to be the funniest year of my life until you showed up. You were back in my life. You were back in everyone's life who missed you. You have changed for better or worse.

Except for the fact that you didn't. The moment you saw me you were back to glaring. It had been two years since you last saw me, and here you were still glaring, the same glare you glared at me like in high school. You still weren't over whatever I did to you. Why? We're adults now, so why are you still acting like this? Can't you at least try to be mature for your age? I guess not. Because now, all you do when you see me is glare like you used to do. Oh, how much I still hate it.

And guess what I still don't know the reason why you glare at me the way you do. But now everyone could see that you hated me. And guess what they didn't care. Were they supposed to care? Because it wasn't them who was hated on by you. It was me and it has been me ever since freshman year of high school.

But to them, it was all right because it wasn't them. But it's OK for it to be me. Me who has no idea and who has always wondered why it had to be me out of all people in the world to be hated on by you. The so-called resident nice guy on campus. You, Jake Sim a boy who can do no wrong, and who couldn't possibly be mean to anyone at all, except for, as you might have guessed me.

What a shame! What a shame for me to not be liked by the most the nicest guy on campus. No one felt sympathy for me. But I didn't care if they did. No one wanted to know why I was the most hated person to the nicest guy. I did too, and it wasn't until one drunken night that I finally got the answer I was waiting for.

You were tipsy some might even say drunk nursing a cup you had been holding for over an hour. The liquid in the cup has gone lukewarm as you stood there swaying. Your friends behind you cheering you on. Not caring that you were drunk off your ass. Maybe instead of hating me, you should get better friends. Their cheers went in one ear and out the other as you looked dazedly around the party.

Until your eyes found me. Standing there all pretty in a black mini dress. The colorful lights of the party hit my skin just right. In your eyes I was perfect. Beautiful and standing by myself. Your feet had a mind of their own as you made your way over to me. Standing in front of me. So close that I can smell the alcohol on your breath.

'Jake? Are you ok?' You didn't say a word as you began to lean into me lips puckered as if waiting for a kiss. I took a step back to put some space between us as you began to grow upset at the fact that I didn't reciprocate your feelings. I smiled apologetically at you, only to be taken aback when you started getting upset. 'What about my feelings yn?'

Your feelings? What do your feelings have to do with anything?! You tried to kiss me, so why are you upset that I didn't kiss you? Are you going crazy? 'Why do I get rejected, huh?' Rejected? That's when it all started coming back to me. The reason you hated me was that I rejected you in freshman year.

You hated me because of something that happened six fucking years ago. Hated me because I rejected you. I laughed. I laughed in your fucking face because of how ridiculous it all is. Here I was worrying that I had something so tremendously wrong to make you hate me. But here we are six years later only for me to find out that you hated me because I rejected you.

'Do you think this is funny?!' Of course, I thought it was funny because it was. It was funny on my part because you hated me for a reason that I didn't think anyone could hate someone for. But here you were. A fucking joke. Oh my God. 'Of course, I do. Do you know how ridiculous I felt ever since freshman year not knowing the reason why you hated me only to find out that you hate me because I rejected you?

But the funny thing is that you never got over it and yet you're still here six years later, hating me for something that most people would never be mad over it. Most people would move on. That's the funny thing.' I laughed, and I continue to laugh in your face because of how stupid you looked.

'For you to be grown and still upset at the fact that I rejected you and left you to stand on your own looking upset and for you to hate me for that is ridiculous. Get over it. It happened six years ago.' You were upset by the way your face looked. Maybe it was wrong for me to be happy from the look on your face. Maybe it was wrong for me to find joy in all of this.

Maybe it was wrong for me to grab the cup out of your hand and down it all? But worst of all maybe it was wrong of me to whisper the words I wanted you to hear oh so badly. To let you know that I was tired of wasting precious time on someone as sorry as you.

Because that's what I was. Sorry, I even wanted to know the reason why you hated me all for it to be a stupid reason. But maybe that was the best part of it. Watching as you shuddered from just the whisper that had fallen from my lips. 'You hate me, boo hoo. Get over it.'

[sirensleepingsoundly]

Hellfire and Spitfire (pt.6)

CW: spoilers(duh), regular fluff, story addition, sexual content, angst, unrequited, enemies to lovers, only one bed (sort of), angry kissing, aggressive seggs, slapping, choking, hair pulling, blood, filth, hand/ring fetish, size kink.

Word Count: 2.2k

It had taken until sunrise for you to find somewhere Eddie deemed safe enough to stop and rest. The two of you cuddled up underneath Skull Rock and tried to sleep. Eddie just held you. He didn’t fuss about your shivering, or the fact that he was getting dirt all over his beloved vest. When you woke, the sun was shining overhead. You were still being held by a strong arm across your shoulders. When you looked at him, he smiled at you. It was clear that Eddie hadn’t slept the whole night.

“You okay?” He looked at you, removing his arm.

“No…You?”

“No.”

You curled up into a ball, trying to do anything but think about last night. You looked up at the trees, following the leaves in the wind with your eyes. Eddie picked up the walkie, but it wasn’t his.

“Where’d you get that?”

“I stole it off a construction site this morning while you slept. Figured you wouldn’t mind a little bit of thieving.” He smiled at you. You wanted to laugh. He was trying to make you feel better. And here you were, being totally self centered. Eddie was there last night. He saw the same shit you did, plus Chrissy’s death.

“Dustin, can you hear me?” You waited a beat. Two.

“Eddie. Holy shit. Are you guys okay?”

“Nah, man. Pretty damn far from okay.” There was chatter from the other end.

“Where are you?”

“Skull Rock. You know it?”

“Uh, yeah.” You could hear Steve telling Dustin he knows where they are. Another reminder of his romantic escapades. After everything you couldn’t find it in yourself to give a fuck in that moment.

“Okay, hold on, we’re coming.”

Waiting in silence would kill you. You were sure of it.

“Hey, Eds. I don’t suppose that pack of cigs survived the lake?” He patted down his pockets, finding the right one and unzipping it to find a slightly damp carton.

“Only like four of them, share one with me?” He put one between his lips and lit it, inhaling and holding it before passing it to you.

You took a long drag. You hadn't smoked this much since freshman year. It felt a little lame, falling back on old coping mechanisms, but the relief you got from the familiar motion was exactly what you needed. The questions were still weighing on you, and Eddie could answer a few of them.

“Eddie… What happened last night to Patrick… is that how it happened to Chrissy?”

He sucked in a breath. “Yeah. Exactly like that except for the place. Chrissy- she uh- she got stuck on the ceiling.”

You handed the cig back to him, and watched him wrap his lips around it. The end burned a bright orange before he dropped his hand.

“I just- I can’t believe it. It was…horrific. The way his eyes-“ You shut your own eyes, squeezing them tight enough to see stars and nothing else. When you opened them again Eddie was turned away from you. You heard talking from around the corner on the exposed side of the rock face.

“Bada bing bada boom. There she is, Henderson.” You stood up to look around the rock, Eddie right in front of you. “Skull Rock. In your face, man. In your stupid, cocky little face.”

“Doesn’t make sense.”

“Yeah, yeah. Even with it staring you in the face, you can’t admit it. Can’t admit you’re wrong, you butthead.”

Eddie jumped out behind Dustin. “I concur. You Dustin Henderson, are a… total butthead.” You emerged with him.

Dustin pulled Eddie in for a hug, and Steve rushed toward you.

“Jesus Christ thank God you guys are okay.” He pulled you in for a tight embrace. You relished in the feeling. He smelled so good. So clean. Suddenly, you were very aware of the smell of your clothes.

“When we got to the shore, we tried calling you guys, but, uh… my walkie was busted, man. Drenched.”

“We just ran.” Nancy pulled you in. It was nice to see your sister, but she had that inquisitorial look on her face like you were her next story.

“Do you know what time this was? The attack?”

Eddie threw her his watch, which had broken when you fell in the water together.

“9:27.”

“Same time our flashlights went kablooey.”

“Which means what, exactly?” You weren’t yet clear on what Nancy was insinuating.

“That the surge of energy was Vecna attacking Patrick.” You felt a chill down your spine, and it wasn’t from the cold breeze sweeping the clearing.

“Well now we know how he attacks, and where he attacks from. So now we just need to sneak into his lair in the Upside Down and drive a stake through his heart.”

“If he has a heart.”

“A stake? Is he like a vamp- Is he a Vampire?” Steve looked even more concerned at the prospect of Vecna being an undead supernatural being with pointy fangs.

You watched him converse. He always crossed his arms or put them on his hips like an old lady. It was certainly endearing the way that, when he was speaking, he used his hands to motion and communicate what he meant. So handsome. And then you looked at Eddie. Even worse for wear than you realized, Eddie was sitting on a rock rubbing the back of his neck. You took note of the bags under his eyes. You made a promise to yourself to make sure he gets a good night’s sleep tonight. You were studying him with a concerned stitch in your brow when he started talking.

“Hey, uh, Henderson’s not cursed, is he?”

“Cursed? No, no. He’s fine. Mental? Absolutely.” You finally felt yourself smile with humor for the first time in a few days.

“Boom!” Dustin yelled from across the learning, turning to point a finger at Steve. “Bada… bada…boom. I was right. Skull Rock was north.” He crossed his arms, a smug smile settling on his face.

Steve looked exasperated, throwing his hands up. The two began bickering and you just watched it unfold, finally feeling that sense of comfort and familiarity around all of your friends again.

“Dude, you’re totally, absolutely, one-hundred percent wrong. Right now.”

“Yes… And no.” Steve turned and scrubbed a hand down his face.

“Oh my god.”

“This worked correctly when we left the Wheelers.” He held up his little compass. “It was correct when we got in the car on Curly. But it started to slip the further East we went. Now it’s way off. I wasn’t wrong, the compass was.”

“So you’re using faulty equipment, you’re still wrong!”

Dustin explained, with the help of Lucas, that the compass was slipping the wrong directions because of a strong electromagnetic field, the kind made by the first gate in the lab.

“So either there’s some super big magnet around here, or…”

“There’s a gate.”

You moved from where you sat to sit back next to Eddie, hoping maybe he understood what they were talking about. You looked at him, made a face you hoped read, ‘what are they talking about?’, and waited for an answer. Eddie just shrugged. The two of you laughed, and he leaned into your shoulder, pushing you a little. You were brought back to sitting on the steps of the Munson trailer as a kid, eating homemade lemonade popsicles. You remembered a time when Eddie’s hair was buzzed down to the roots. What had happened between then and now that made the two of you so different? What had changed you so much that just a few days ago, Eddie could barely stand to look at you? And now here you are, Eds suddenly dragged into the shit that the party had gone through.

Dustin had started walking away.

“Where are you going? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. Eddie’s still a wanted man, we can’t just go for a hike in the woods.” Steve scolded.

“Look, this little steel capsule might be the key to saving everyone. What say you, Eddie the Banished?” Dustin waved a hand dramatically.

Eddie looked like he was considering it. Any semblance of a smile or relief gone from his expression.

“I say you’re asking me to follow you into Mordor, which, if I’m totally straight with you, I think is a really bad idea,” You chewed your lip to stop smiling. What a dork. “But, uh, the Shire… the Shire is burning. So Mordor it is.”

Dustin was jumping like his spine was actually a pogo stick. It would’ve made you laugh if it weren’t for the fact that you just registered what you had to do now. Eddie had just agreed to go in search of the gate. Which meant all of you were back in it. You wished that you could be normal again. For just a few hours.

Everyone picked up their things to leave. As you moved to follow the group, you glanced towards Eddie. You locked eyes and for a second, it looked like he was going to say something serious. Steve put a hand on your shoulder.

“You guys coming? C’mon we’re losing daylight.”

You cast another glance at Eddie, but his head was down, his eyes on the path in front of his feet.

When you finally found the gate, the moon was in the sky, illuminating the lake.

“Fuck.” You muttered to yourself.

“You gotta be shitting me.” Steve rested again in his mom pose.

“Lover’s Lake.”

“This is confounding.”

“Whenever the demogorgon attacked, it left an opening. Maybe Vecna’s the same way.”

“Yeah only one way to find out.”

You and Eddie both walked to the bank where you’d left the boat before, and pulled the tarp off before Eddie went to push it in the water. Steve, being the jocky manly man that he is, went to help Eddie push the boat off the edge. Robin got in first, then Eddie, then Nancy, then you. Dustin tried to use Steve’s shoulder as leverage to step in before he was stopped.

“Hey, hey, hey. You trying to sink us? This thing holds four, tops.” Eddie chided.

Nancy tried to help and chimed in, “It’s better this way, okay? You guys stay here with Max.”

“It’s my goddamn theory.”

They bickered some more before Dustin handed the compass over, Robin even declaring Nancy as the lady in charge. And as He and Steve went to push the boat off, Steve jumped in at the last second, his shoe likely getting soaked.

“You said four!”

“Sorry!”

About ten minutes out, Steve and Eddie on the oars, Nancy motioned for them to stop, the needle spinning with no direction.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.”

The walkie buzzed to life with Dustin’s voice. “Guy’s what’s going on? C’mon, talk to me.”

Robin answered, “Dustin your compass has gone from wonky to wonky with a capital “ahh!”

You watched Steve take off his shoes and socks, preparing to jump in the water, you realized. So did Nancy.

“Steve, what are you doing?”

“Somebody’s gotta go down and check this out. Unless one of you can top being Hawkins High swim co-captain and a certified lifeguard for three years. Look, it’s gotta be me. No complaints, okay?”

“Hey I’m not complaining,” Eddie looked over the edge of the boat down into the dark water, “I do not wanna go down there."

Steve stood from his seat and started to take off his sweater. That yellow sweater that you kind of hated, but of course it looked good on him. Even better coming off. His chest was covered in hair. Not like Eddie, who had no hair on his chest at all, just on his stomach below his belly button. You mentally scolded yourself for comparing the two like that when the current situation was so intense.

Just before Steve went to jump in, Nancy reached out to grab his arm.

“Hey. Good luck.”

Steve replied with a quick thanks and a pining look and dove into the deep deep dark. It felt like your rib cage was squeezing your heart to see him look at her like that and barely give you a passing glance before risking his life. Nancy was your sister, you reminded yourself. You love her and wish her all the happiness in life. Even though she’s the one who dumped Steve and started going out with Johnathan suspiciously soon after. You forced yourself to stop thinking that way. Nancy didn’t deserve your anger over your own unrequited hopes.

The four of you sat in the dark, quiet save for Robin’s nervous mumbling. The water was entirely too still for your comfort, and you considered for a moment going in after him. Suddenly the water began to bubble and Steve came splashing out of the lake and he grasped onto the side of the boat. A simultaneous cluster of sounds came out of the four of you, all in shock and fear.

“I found it,” Steve could barely get the words out, he was so out of breath.

“You found it?”

“I found it.”

Robin used the walkie to let the kids know we found the gate, and Steve continued.

“It’s pretty wild. It’s more a snack-size gate than the mama gate, but still, it’s pretty damn big.”

As soon as he got his sentence out, Steve fell off the side a little and splashed into the water. Everyone shared a confused look for just a second, and then he was pulled under.

“It’s pretty wild. It’s more a snack-size gate than the mama gate, but still, it’s pretty damn big.”

As soon as he got his sentence out, Steve fell off the side a little and splashed into the water. Everyone shared a confused look for just a second, and then he was pulled under.

| Pt.1 | Pt.2 | Pt.3 | Pt.4 | Pt.5 | Pt.6 | Pt.7 |

[copingmechanism1899]

July 31, 2024

Hmm… it’s been a while. But now I’ve got to change. A big thing this summer: therapy. I’ve done the one-on-one thing before, but this is some group shit.

Now don’t get me wrong, I think group stuff can work for some people, and I like the handouts we get (I like having notes on paper, visible in front of me). But… most of my problems are with people, so being with people isn’t my favorite.

There are some “characters” there, but they come and go. And we’re not supposed to become friends or anything so it’s fine 90% of the time. I just, don’t talk to anyone during breaks. Sometimes people will say something and I’ll respond, we’ll have a lil back and forth, but that’s about it.”

During groups, I do my due diligence, answering questions when asked, and sharing when all of us are told to say something. I have a bit of a problem where I don’t like silence, and so when the therapists are at the front and say “Anyone? I can’t really read the vibe of the room if nobody says anything,” I sometimes say stuff even if I’ve already gone. And I fear that makes me seem like I talk lot because I also hate when people can’t stfu.

But I digress. I’m a people pleaser and a pushover so every time I open my mouth it’s a little game of “am I talking too much? Is everyone annoyed? Do they think I’m trying to make it about me?” Haha… fun inner monologue.

Schedule wise, I was at the all day “PHP” (9:30-2:30) for a while, and have since been moved down to “IOP” (9:30-12:30), so, nice. I’ve not really had a summer of freedom since before highschool. From going into freshman year of hs, into sophomore year of college, I was doing summer school. And after that, every break I was in a cast/boot/wheelchair, unable to walk.

Last summer was the first time I didn’t have summer school. I thought that I would actually do something fun, then buckle down next summer and get a job or something. But I didn’t. Sucks, but what can I do. So I thought, “maybe this summer.”

But nope, I come home, and not even a week later I’m in therapy for most of the day. (Not to mention all the dr appts I was catching up on before that as well.)

Overall I think it’s going… fine. It’s not as painful/cliché as it could be, and I think what they’re teaching is good. In theory. And that’s the problem. I’m not sure that I can use what I’m learning in the moment.

This past week, I actually went out of state with family to visit other family. And yeah, it was fun, and stressful. But overall, no thoughts. And if you asked, I’d say I had fun and list the stuff I did.

But in hindsight, there were probably someone moments where I could have used some of the skills I learned. But they never even crossed my mind.

I’m very forgetful, and another example of that is I had a convo with the therapist, and she suggested “journaling”. And gut reaction: how in the dork diaries is writing in a little glittery book from justice going to help me?

But I know “journaling” can be different. I know a lot of people do poetry (i fucking despise poetry), or just write down to-do lists or what they did that day. So I figured, hey. I’ve already done this, right? I’ll just go back to tumblr.

Whatever, she asked me to do this, when? The 16/17th? And this is my first time doing it. Yikes. Not too hot on the consistency train. But it’s a step right? They say “trying is doing” so they’d count this as a win (even if I wouldn’t).

Feels like a cop out, like I’m doing it just to do it, it feels disingenuous. But I feel worse saying that I’m not doing everything I can (no matter how stupid) to get “better.”

So I’m going to therapy, I’m taking my (newly prescribed) meds, and I’m trying so f*ing hard to “be open” and talk with my mom.

Yeah, that’s another can of worms. But it’s getting better ig. I still feel like if I’m not doing something productive, that I’m failing and disappointing people, but that’s a personal thing.

I need to working through that, but therapists aren’t there to tell you exactly what to do. And that sucks. I want someone to tell me how to not be scared of the (very near) future full of unknowns and uncertainties. Nothing is guaranteed, and I’m terrified that I’ll make the wrong choice (or that I already have), and that I’ll be a burden or a failure.

Yay, rumination (that’s something I learned about haha…). Great start to this journaling stuff.

[everywhichwayzz]

SRMFF Fanfiction (Chapter 1)

Present Day--Earth--2096

A storm raged across the savanna. The wind howled, sweeping the plain with dust and sand, a gift from the nearby desert. A steady rain fell upon the grassland and thunder rumbled ominously throughout the heavens. It was a terrible day to be outdoors and almost as bad to be behind the wheel.

At a small, seemingly abandoned warehouse, two shining headlights flicked off and a car door slammed shut as a huddled mass hurried toward the door. The figure hastily entered the structure, forcing the door shut against the raging winds and shed his coat to the hanger waiting there for him. He took a deep breath, happy to be inside where it was dry, and then glanced down at the lower level of the building, below the balcony where a huge mass of melted metal was hoisted-and more directly toward the feet of the teenage brainiac underneath it.

Andrew Keshel's lip quirked into a smirk and he shook his head as he slowly descended the stairs to the main floor and strolled over, pretending to investigate the heap of wrecked ship. Placing his hands neatly behind his back, he knelt down so he could see the boy fairly well, grinning as he recognized the loud music blasting from the headphones.

"HEY! NERD!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. "THINK YOU COULD HURRY UP DOWN THERE? THERE IS SOMEONE HERE WHO WOULD LIKE TO SAY HELLO! I THINK HE CALLS HIMSELF YOUR BEST FRIEND!"

The boy shrieked, lurching up as though he'd been struck by lightning, nearly ramming his head on the bottom of the machine as he yanked off his headphones to glare not-at-all-intimidatingly at his friend.

"Drew!" he exclaimed. "Why would you do that? You scared the life right out of me!"

Drew shrugged nonchalantly with a sly grin that only earned an eye-roll from the younger man. "When I said you needed a hobby, Blip, this wasn't exactly what I had in mind."

Having recovered from his initial shock, the young scientist grinned sheepishly as he fitted the last plate into place and slid out to meet the confused and slightly exhausted expression of his roommate. Setting down his tools, he wiped the grime from his hairline and stood up. "Yeah, well, I kinda just...fell into it," he admitted, chuckling to himself, setting down his wrench and pausing, taking in Drew's appearance, from the ripped jacket to his jeans torn to shreds, obviously by something sharp. Dried blood coated his face and his eyes still held a hint of fire to them.

Blip sighed in resignation. "All right. Who was it this time?"

"Some freshman punk who thought he could maneuver a T-class Fighter Jet better than me," Drew responded, knowing exactly what Blip was thinking and not even trying to deny it. "And before you ask, no, I didn't instigate it. The brat just wouldn't leave me alone."

Blip raised an eyebrow, knowing Drew too well. They'd been roommates for a long time, ever since meeting at the flight academy Blip's freshman year. Of course, that'd been before...well, before everything. And now, here he was, lying beneath the undercarriage of a mangled piece of metal while Drew was out there blasting space pirates from the sky-and beating up the underclasses apparently. If Drew said that he'd been pulled into the fight, Blip had to wonder how many insults had been thrown before the claws came out.

"Okay, okay!" Drew exclaimed, seeing his doubtful stare. "So I may have taken a couple of swings at the kid! So what? He had it coming anyway!" He moved toward the minifridge in the corner of the lab, grunting with every step.

"Drew, we've talked about this!" Blip groaned, reaching for a cloth to clean his glasses. "You're supposed to set a good example for all the freshmen, not beat them up every time they speak their mind!" He hesitated, watching as Drew reached for a bottle of lemonade in the door. "Not that one!" he added hastily. "That's mine! I'm saving it for later!"

"You're a pacifist, Blip," Drew countered, grabbing a soda and slamming the door shut, earning a wince from the younger man. "You wouldn't fight if your life depended on it." He found a seat and plopped down, making himself at home. "Which is probably one of the reasons why you got kicked out of the academy in the first place."

Blip balled his hands. "That's not true!" he protested indignantly, hearing his voice crack even worse than usual. "You know what the real reason was! Come on, don't do this. Not today."

"Really?" Now it was Drew's turn to look skeptical and blatantly ignore the scientist's requests. "Because last I checked, you're 90 pounds of pure peace and serenity, buddy. You haven't got a tough bone in your body-what little you have, that is."

Blip grit his teeth. "Enough with the height jabs! I have work to do, so if you aren't going to help me-"

"Relax! Dude, chill!" Drew raised his hands, smirking innocently. "I'm just pushing your buttons, Spec! Don't get your glasses all twisted!"

"What have I told you about calling me that?" Blip growled, knowing it would do him no good to protest.

Drew pretended to look thoughtful. "That you hate it almost as much as your actual name so I should remind you just how much by using it every chance I get?"

"All right, that's it!" Blip snatched up his wrench. "I may not believe in violence, but I can still do this!" He chucked the tool at his roommate. Drew ducked, though the action was unnecessary as the wrench fell short by several inches and landed with a sickening thunk at his feet.

"Wow, how...anticlimactic and very according of you."

Blip just sighed, shaking his head, and grabbed his tools to slide back under the wad of metal. Drew chuckled, standing up and moving over to his computer. Blip tried to ignore the persistent clacking as he set to work unscrewing the under panels and digging for the wires and chips inside. The clicking went on for a solid few minutes before pausing abruptly as though Drew had just thought of something.

"Hey, where'd you find this piece of junk anyway?"

"Just because you couldn't find anything cool if it dropped out of space and landed on you," Blip retorted, heaving himself onto his elbows to investigate a series of flashing lights. "It was just abandoned in the desert. Looks like an older crash. Possibly a few weeks at least. The internal circuit board was pretty fried but the external mainframe was still salvageable."

"Techie stuff isn't really my lingo," Drew replied. "Maybe try saying it again in English? You do know English, don't you? It's...kind of common here on Earth."

Blip grunted in response. "It's a Takion Warship, a model that stopped being manufactured after the Second Universal War."

"And you dug up someone's metal deathtrap, why?"

"Don't you think it's odd that a ship that hasn't been used in over three hundred years just suddenly crash-landed on Earth?"

There was silence and that stillness spoke volumes. "And you are aware that this is why you don't have a girlfriend?"

Blip didn't even dignify that with a response.

"No, seriously man!" Drew went on, not to be deterred. "You have no social life and you spend all day fiddling with this-whatever this is."

"Drew, I'd really rather not talk about it."

"I'm just saying there are plenty of nice girls out there who would love to date you if you'd just give them a chance!"

"Thanks, but I'm not interested."

"Suit yourself. But mark my words, one day you're going to be pining for the attention of a girl and then I'll uphold the right to say 'I told you so'."

"Ha," Blip responded disdainfully. "When and if that day ever comes, you can say whatever you so desire. But don't get your hopes up, I don't think it's going to happen."

"Riiiiiigggghhht." There was a squeak from his chair as Drew spun back toward his laptop and began typing once again.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Blip demanded, sliding out to glare up at his roommate.

"It means you're hopeless when it comes to love, man, and everybody except for you can see it!"

"Who says I can't?" he replied stiffly.

"Uh...the hunk of warped and completely��useless metal that you are hopelessly trying to remold?"

"I hate you right now."

"I know." He sounded far too cheerful about that.

"Well, are you going to help me with this thing or what?" Eager to change the subject, Blip drug himself back under the machine and continued fiddling with the wiring.

"What? And get a chance to be electrocuted or crushed?" Drew laughed. "No, thank you." He stood up now and moved away from the desk, lining up and landing the bottle into the trash can with a perfect shot. "I think I'm going to head back out there and see what other freshmen are in need of some 'guidance'."

"Please don't," Blip replied, already knowing his request would do him no good. And then, just to be on the safe side... "And don't even think about telling any girls how heroic and brilliant I am either. I don't need that kind of attention."

"Suit yourself," Drew replied. "But do yourself a favor; fix your hair. It looks like a rat's nest."

And then he was gone and Blip was left alone to his devices.

"A rat's nest," the scientist grumbled, rolling his eyes. "Like yours is any better." But he wouldn't let Drew's snarky responses get to him. He had work to do and nothing was going to distract him from his mission. He could just imagine the stories the metal could tell. Of firefights and flying through space on daring and heroic adventures. Blip had always dreamed of one day traveling to the vast expanses of the universe, studying and learning about other life far beyond Earth's atmosphere. He knew they were out there. Recently, several communications had been established between distant planets. An alliance had already been formed; a coalition of a sort; peace between the worlds with the hopes of learning about one other's culture and forever avoiding possibility of future war.

That was exactly what he'd wanted to be a part of since he was a kid, envisioning one day becoming a scientist. He'd accomplished the first part of his dream and it was almost time to embark on the second. And this piece of "space junk" as Drew had called it might just be his ticket. So what if the girls thought he was dorky and reclusive? Once he had succeeded in realigning the heat barrier and returned the ship to whatever planet it belonged to, everyone would know who he was and no one would care that he had dropped out of the space program because he was afraid of space itself.

He could still see the faces of the other cadets the first time he'd been thrown into a simulator. The way they'd jeered and mocked him, the small, skinny one with the flaming hair and glasses that were always falling off or getting lost, the one that knew nothing about fighting or wielding a weapon or anything. It didn't matter that he had an entire map of the universe charted out in his brain and could tell you the distance from any two planets or solar systems, or that he could single-handedly rebuild a passenger V-8 space shuttle. No, all that mattered to the university--and the other students--was that he didn't have the stomach for space-- or flying for that matter. He'd left the academy and he never planned to go back.

Ever.

He didn't need them anyway. He would prove he was just as good as them. After all, astronauts could never begin their expeditions into space without the ships that he repaired. So, in a way, he was still helping the cause, even if they didn't want to acknowledge his help.

Sighing, he grabbed a wrench and heaved himself back underneath the heap of twisted rock and metal. Now, this was something special. He could feel it, whenever he was around it. It just seemed to...call to him. Almost as if it was begging him to repair it, which, of course, sounded utterly ridiculous. Machines couldn't talk, or feel, or ask for anything. But still, there was something about this one that made it...different...from the others and he was determined to figure out what.

"Come on," he muttered, unscrewing the bottom panel to realign it with the others. "What are you hiding?"

If it hadn't been a motionless, trashed, tangled mess of scrap, he would have sworn it vibrated at his touch.

Huh. That's odd. He attempted to pull out the loose floorboard, but for some reason, it was more difficult than he had been expecting. He tugged, but it didn't come loose and when his grip failed, he was thrown hard onto his back. This is one of those times when I wish I had someone stronger here to help me. All right, one more pull...

Mustering all the strength he could, he firmly grabbed the panel and yanked. With a snap, the metal went flying, and so did he. He landed hard once again, the now-freed panel crashing down on top of him.

"Ow..."

A strange humming could be heard from underneath the metal he'd cleared away. Odd. Machines don't normally sound like that. And the pattern was strange. Repetitive even. Three long buzzes, followed closely by three short snaps, and then the buzzes again.

That's an SOS!

Realization sparking through his body, Blip hastily heaved the panel off his chest and ducked out to grab his laptop to try and pinpoint the source of the transmission. Quickly connecting to the ship's mainframe, he typed a series of codes into the monitor. Promptly, a location and a timestamp appeared.

South Sonaron Desert.

10/19/2042 10:23 P.M.

That was almost a year ago, Blip realized. But how was that possible, when the ship looked as though it had sunk only a week prior? Logically speaking, time and tear should have worn the outer shell of the vessel to bare metal.

So why does this one appear only a few days damaged?

Heart racing, he pulled himself out from underneath the machine and, wiping the grime from his hands, hurried out into the rain. The desert was less than an hour's drive away and the crash site had been just inside the border. He would be there before sunset. But as he drove, the questions still bubbled through his mind.

How could a ship from ancient times suddenly crash land four hundred years after the end of its manufacturing? And a better question, who was still using it? And why? A warship had no place in an era of peace. Was someone planning to break the treaty? Who? And if so, why?

The sand spat at him in vile clouds of dust as he sped through the desert, passing a long-abandoned laboratory and heading toward the setting sun. The crater where he'd dug up the metal was easy to locate. It was enormous. Blip guessed that, whatever was left of the ship in his lab, it had been much, much bigger before. Definitely part of the warship, but then again, he still couldn't think if any worlds currently at war.

Arriving, he quickly unpacked and went about, searching for any clues or signs that could have pointed him in the pilot's general direction. He got lucky, finding footprints in the sand. Two pairs. Meaning two survivors? But how could there be survivors from a ship that wasn't even supposed to exist? And how were there footprints? For now, there was no time to ask questions. He didn't hesitate, digging his heels into the sand and taking off. Though he was not a fast runner to begin with, people's lives were at stake. He would have to be fast enough.

The sand lashed at his face and he shielded his eyes, stumbling through the storm to no avail. "Hello?" he shouted, his voice snatched up and carried away with the wind. "Hello, is anyone out here? Can anyone hear me?"

Thunder was his only response.

I can't see anything! he thought grimly. And this storm is only getting worse!

He would have to turn back soon. The rain was really coming down hard now as he pulled his jacket over his head and pressed on. Rain splattered against his glasses and he hastily removed them, unable to see anyway.

The landscape unfurled before him in a massive bulge of white and yellow and he could see nothing that didn't belong. But yet, something was pulling him forward, deeper into the storm. It was almost as though his body could sense something he could not.

And then, over the sound of the wailing wind, a soft, almost inaudible whisper was heard.

"Help...me..."

Blip didn't hesitate, wheeling toward the sound and taking off as fast as his legs would carry him. He shoved his lenses back onto his face as he scrambled over a dune and nearly tripped and fell all the way down.

The semi-buried escape pod was easy to spot among the sprawling sand. So easy, in fact, that Blip was surprised he hadn't noticed it before. The pilot wasn't too hard to find. He had collapsed in the sand a few kilometers away from the shuttle. Blip hurried to help, noting all the blood in the sand around him, possibly caused by the crash. But why was the pilot so far away? And why did it look more like he had been stabbed than crash-landed?

As he reached out to check for a pulse, the man came alive, wheezing and gagging. Blip jerked back but the man lashed out, catching his wrists and dragging the scientist down beside him before he could protest.

"Cyb...cybroid..." the pilot wheezed, his voice weak and shaking. "Stop...you must...you..."

"I-I'm sorry," Blip stammered fearfully. "I-I don't know what you're saying."

"Take...take this..." the pilot reached for something around his neck. "Y...you'll nee...need it." He struggled to lift his head and remove the amulet. He shakily handed it to Blip, who looked at it, confused, a million jumbled thoughts whizzing through his mind. What is this amulet? Why is it so important? "P...put it...o-on," the man commanded. "Let them...let them find you...chosen one."

Blip did as he was told, letting the chain fall loosely around his neck, but ignoring the last part. "You're going to be okay," he said as firmly as he could, trying to keep his voice from shaking. "I'll...I'll get you to a hospital, sir."

"No...time..." the pilot coughed. "The beast...is awoken. I...was not ready. But you," He pointed weakly at the scientist. "You will be. You can...take my...place...save...the...universe..."

"Ready for what? What's wrong with the universe?" Blip demanded, watching as the man stopped wheezing and closed his eyes. "Hey!" the scientist yelped, shaking his shoulders desperately. "Hey! Hey! Breathe! Breathe!"

"You are...chosen...take my place...defend...the world."

"No! No! Don't die! Please! I'm going to get you to a doctor! Just hold on!"

But the man just laid his head back, and before the teen could react, he took one final pained breath...and then lay still.

"No!" Numbed with shock, Blip just knelt there for a moment, blinking back tears, trying to piece everything together. He considered attempting CPR but the man's wounds were far too extensive. It wouldn't do any good. He hadn't been enough to save him.

Slowly, he held up the medallion the man had given him. It seemed to be shining, catching the brightest of the sun's rays. Why give it to him? And why say he was going to need it?

He was so wound up in his own thoughts that he didn't hear the footsteps behind him, but he felt the shadows stretch over him and heard the cold voice that followed.

"Dr. Blip Hanson, I presume?"

"Now's not really a good time," Blip replied, distracted by the way the amulet was letting off light. Was it refracting or reflecting? How could it possibly be collecting so much light?

"I think you're going to have to come with us, doctor."

"No," he said. "I'm sorry, but I have to take this man back to his family and-"

Without waiting for his response, something hard and sharp was driven deep into his neck. He yelped, reacting immediately by bringing a hand to pull whatever it was away. His stomach dropped as his fingers brushed against a syringe needle and he choked, his vision already beginning to blur.

His muscles failed and he barely felt his body hit the sand. Overhead, a shadowy figure stood, watching him gasp desperately for air and crawl helplessly across the sand, struggling for every breath.

"I'm afraid we can't let you do that."

"What do you...what do you want?" Blip wheezed, feeling the darkness swimming through his brain and swarming his vision. The man overhead just continued to stare down at him coldly. Blip fought back an instinctive whimper as everything went black and then, right before he passed out, something bright and loud exploded into existence before him, and he heard the man speak in a voice as empty and cruel as death itself.

"We want you."

[conklin03]

i'm still in high school, if none of you figured that out by now. but it hurts. covid hit when i was supposed to go into freshman year, ninth grade, and so that whole year was online. that distance from school let my social anxiety build up to such an extreme degree that i literally couldn't bear the thought of going back, and so my mom agreed to homeschool me for tenth grade. note, i'm terrible at online courses. i slack off all the responsibilities and then panic and shut down when i realize how much i haven't done and how much i need to do. this year was supposed to be my junior year, eleventh grade. same story as last year. i wish i could see my friends again. i want to be a normal high school kid. i want to graduate with everyone else next year. and it's still possible, i could study hard and take the exams to get in, but it's terrifying. what if they don't like how i look. what if everyone else has matured while i was stuck being scared at home. what if i have no social skills left. what if the classes end up being too hard. if only i hadn't been a dumbass two years ago. even in ninth grade, some of my friends were going back, since in the latter half of the year some students were allowed to come back in. i'm sure i could've if i mustered up the courage. but i couldn't. it was terrifying, and i hadn't been acclimated to society again. i haven't made a new friend in these past few years, excluding all of you. i haven't even talked to any of my old friends, apart from periodic texts from the trying to reconnect. maybe i'll push to get in next year, and deal with the pain when i get there. i don't know. i might delete this right away. for some reason it makes me feel odd for people to know i'm still a child. makes me think people won't take me seriously, or will think i'm immature. and they shouldn't. and i am. where did everything go wrong

[bookwyrminspiration]

Thank you for taking some of my suggestions for hobbies to do! If you want another one, I do some dance for funsies. Not a serious hobby, but I like to move around to music.

I have 3 things I wanted to tell you.

1. Do you have an Instagram? Because I saw someone was called bookwyrminspiration on insta but the art on there didn’t seem to be yours, so I wanted to ask.

2. I am trying out to be the president for my school’s GSA! I have a single opponent, but like it’s chill. I’m very excited about it.

3. Also, next week our GSA is going to have a 24 hour theater project, where we spent 6 hours on Friday writing a script and 10 hours on Saturday creating props, sets, costumes and act it all out! It’s supposed to encourage people to donate money to us! I’m gonna be a writer.

This ask provided the horrifying realization that the Instagram account I made and used at the ages of 12-13 (where I "fangirled hardcore" and reposted art/textposts without permission--my apologies, I've grown) was not, as I thought, deleted, but instead was still very much there and accessible to the world. It had just been restricted and off my login dropdown thing, so I'd never actually deleted it.

I haven't deleted it now because you have to submit a form and I don't feel like doing that, but everything has been scrubbed from it.

Now to answer your question: yes, I do have an instagram account, and one that isn't the one I just scrubbed. I've been meaning to change the url for a while for consistency, and you provided a convenient push. My IG url is now the same as it is here, bookwyrminspiration. I am not, however, active there. I only use it nowadays to see Shannon's IG updates and to spy on what people I went to middle school with are doing/what they look like now (spoiler: boring :/, none of them have any flare, but to each their own).

2. Congrats! I hope it goes well for you. I don't think my GSA had a president, but it was a very informal high school GSA with like 5 kids, all freshman because the meeting times were always when the juniors and seniors were off campus. And then half way through the year it disbanded because the teacher sponsoring it couldn't/didn't want to anymore or something. I was technically treasurer but we never did anything that needed anyone to do anything.

I'm getting off topic but the point is that sounds very cool even though I'm not super familiar with how that works or what the responsibilities would entail!

3. Also very cool! I could probably use a six hour writing session myself, I haven't written in a while. I got stumped by this one kam fic because I couldn't reconcile their canon personalities/relationships with the things I wanted them the say. I needed one of them to instigate something but they both stubbornly refused to talk to each other >:(. But I'll figure it out. I'm very excited for you though!! I'd be curious to see any of what you write should you want to share--absolutely no pressure to, though. I don't know much if anything about script writing/scripts in general, my partner's the theater kid.

Also I'll keep the dance thing in mind! I do think dance is very cool, so I wonder how I'd want to incorporate that into my life, but I appreciate the suggestion! Hope you're doing well and taking care of yourself :)

[deathon1leg]

i can sympathize with mike hate and i honestly used to be a bit of a mike hater myself but pls remember that:

this is an actual 14 year old. like... this is a freshman in high school. i’m not sure anyone would consider their 14 year old self to be a good person tbh

this kid is probably going through HEAVY comphet and internalized homophobia all the while juggling having a girlfriend he doesn’t love the way he’s supposed to, AND a male lifelong best friend he’s in love with who he’a afraid he’s losing

both of these are combined with being retraumatized year after year and having the literal weight of the world on his shoulders

and i know most of us are hating on him affectionately but this is aimed toward those who are like... actually villianing him. yes i know mike’s not real but i’ll defend him anyway because he deserves to have someone stick up for him

in my opinion (if they do right by him in s5) this isn’t character assassination—these are the effects of a person having gone through hell and back, then back into hell again, then rinse and repeat. he’s trying to act as normal as possible through this and in the middle of experiencing life-changing realizations about himself. he is so young and he is GOING THROUGH IT!!

it’s not okay for mike to treat el the way he’s been treating her, or blame others for his problems, or lie and gaslight people—that’s obviously not okay and i’m not defending those things. i’m pointing out that he’s not just doing these things for the hell of it. he hasn’t just suddenly and mysteriously turned into an asshole, this is the build up of so many things happening to him over the span of a few years during a crucial time period of growing up.

you could argue that all the other main characters have been through almost the same things and haven’t had anything like the personality changes mike had between s2-s3, but everyone’s different! no single person in group of people is gonna handle one situation the same way. also, and i know this is a bit of a reach, you’d kinda be indirectly implying that mike’s particular reaction to his trauma is wrong and he should act more like the other traumatized ones. that they’re doing the whole “having trauma” thing “correctly” and he’s not. /nm

i know that sounds dramatic but that’s the main takeaway i get when people compare his behavior to the others to show that they’re better than him. i think we should cut him some slack. he’s not an entirely different person than he was before, he’s the same person (teenager!) who just so happens to have gone through, and is currently going through, a lot of shit.

i would be defending any of the other characters the same way if they suddenly seemed to have a negative shift in personality because they’re all going through a lot of shit, but even then (as far as we’re aware) none of the others are coming to terms with being queer and in love with their best friend while having a girlfriend. of course, will is queer and in love with mike, but he doesn’t have the added stress and conflict of also having a long term gf and he seems a lot further down the path of accepting himself than mike is/seems to have been aware of it for a lot longer.

if the suffer bros end up not making mike queer then a lot of his behavior could very well be simple assholery. it could very well be that they fumbled the ball on his character, but that still doesn’t take away from everything else that’s happened to him. if they DO make him queer and do him justice in s5 he could be a really good example of a multifaceted (a.k.a realistic) character whose morality isn’t black and white. he’s complicated and he makes bad decisions but that doesn’t mean he’s a villain or the product of bad writing, it means he’s a regular human being.

i hope for everyone’s sake that he can figure out and accept himself, go see a therapist regularly, and get the guy of his dreams once he’s emotionally/mentally ready for it!!

tl;dr: mike hasn’t just randomly turned into a piece of shit—he’s just pubescent, queer, in love, and really going through it.

maybe it’s because i, too, was once pubescent, queer, and going through it, but i feel for him.

it might seem weird to some that i’m defending a fake guy so hard, and i get it, but i love my fake guy and have a special interest in analyzing my various fake guys. and a lot of this is about the principles of what people are criticizing, not just the character.

i apologize if this sounds rude or preachy, i struggle with using the right tone both irl and in text. i just want to stick up for my relatable queer fictional teenager. hope u had a good read <3

[rumplefuckingstiltzkin]

I have always been naturally gifted at maths. When in elementary school certain family circumstances prevented me from actually attending math class and everything that came after it on a daily basis, this resulted in me scoring a 79.5% on a placement exam for middle school math classes. I still remember being frustrated but being able to figure out the answers well enough. Almost well enough. I needed an 80% to be put into the class where I belonged. (Did I really belong there? We'll never know.)

As dominoes fall, I was not challenged enough in middle school maths, found tedious the busywork designed to ingrain math I already knew, and stopped torturing myself with it. This was the start to a disillusionment with all homework, but that's another story. I was moved from regular maths into remedial maths, which was worse. I still remember trying to teach myself from my old friends' textbooks, as they were doing fun things like trigonometry and precalculus, while the other boys at my table were preoccupied by exchanging masturbation tips. (No pun intended.)

When a meeting was called to asses why I was doing so terribly on paper in maths but testing excellently, I presented the fact that I, without help, had discovered that there is a pattern to finding the next square in a sequence. (It's that (x+1)^2=x^2+2x+1.) No one taught me this. I had been moved out of algebra.

Similar misunderstandings and treatment continued to dog me throughout high school. When I discovered the trick to finding the next cube in a series, I had just graduated. But something about it bugged me. Surely there must be a way to predict the formulae for discovering the next Nth power in a series. Spoiler alert, there is! I was a second semester college freshman taking Calculus 131 with a professor who wasn't actually a teacher by any stretch when I figured out that I was right, and I rediscovered Pascal's triangle.

Pascal's triangle is an organization of figures for which each row is the coefficients for the equations I had been pondering like an orb for a decade. It's free. You can look it up, they're there, they have many other uses. I independently brute-forced Pascal's Triangle. In another place and time I would be a genius. Instead, I realized at seventeen (before voting age!) that I had been failed by the system all those years ago in the sixth grade, when my math teacher could have just said "check out this triangle" and brought me up to speed with the rest of the learned 21st century world.

Now, are my teachers to blame for this? No. Not really. Overworked, understaffed, underpaid, they were not to blame for not having the foresight to predict exactly what information could have saved me. Hindsight, only hindsight, is 20/20. Am I to blame for not having the language as a child to express what I meant, or to correctly ask what I needed to know? Again, no. I was victimized by the system. Thousands, millions worldwide like me are managed rather than encouraged because it reflects well on the school, the state, the country.

It leads to questions like "Where would we be as a populace if we were somehow able to efficiently reach every child with what they need to excel?" and "In what other areas are we failing our children with incomplete education?" I don't have these answers. "Where would I be if I had gotten what I needed?" I don't have the answer to that, either. I still teach myself calculus between work, sleep, and chores.

I suppose I'm only telling this story because you asked, OP. The most screwed up thing isn't that it happened to me, but that it keeps happening, everywhere. Still.

I'll close with just a little something to think about:

"I am, somehow, less interested in the weight and convolutions of Einstein's brain than in the near certainty that people of equal talent have lived and died in cotton fields and sweatshops." - Stephen Jay Gould, The Panda's Thumb: More Reflections in Natural History

Everyone give me the most screwed up thing that has ever happened to you in the american public school system

[bbangsoonie]

backdoor

member: jaehyun (hyunjae) genre: fluff (requested) word count: 3,120 synopsis: jaehyun has always been your rival. so when he bets that he could make you fall for him, you can’t back down and say no. but when you’re too confident, you let your guard done.

backdoor: a term used in league of legends; when you secretly attack the enemy’s nexus while they’re focused elsewhere. this is done by sneaking into the enemy base and taking them by surprise

Lee Jaehyun was the cockiest and most annoying person you had ever met. You would think that growing up as childhood “friends” would make you two close. After all, your parents were best friends with his parents.

But no, you and Jaehyun had been rivals ever since you were both enrolled into a tennis club as young children. You always had the upper hand until he suddenly hit puberty and became a lot more physically fit than you. Once he started beating you in nearly every match, he became your #1 enemy.

He had always been super competitive and made everything into a contest. Who could run to the car faster? Who could receive a higher score on the exam? Who could make the other lose their temper first?

With high school came his sudden increase in popularity. It inflamed his ego to the max, which irked you to no end.

Every Valentine’s Day, he would brag about all the gifts and confessions he received. And every White Day, he would compare the numbers to yours.

He was loved by the girls for being a casanova and admired by the guys for his athleticism and gaming skills.

You, on the other hand, could not comprehend why the entire school was infatuated with him. You had your eyes on someone else. Kim Sunwoo. He had caught your attention since the first day of freshman year. Now, as a senior, you were about to graduate without ever making a move.

You were too shy to approach him. You couldn’t even find a common interest to naturally bring up and talk about. All he ever did was make music and play League of Legends.

So you found Jacob during lunch and practically begged him to teach you how to play the game.

“Please please please?” you whined.

“It’s not that I don’t want to. It’s that I can’t,” Jacob said apologetically. “I have basketball practice every day. Besides, I haven’t played in almost half a year. I’m rusty.”

“I just need you to teach me the basics!”

“I’m sorry, Y/n.”

Sighing, you gave up and slumped in your seat. You poked at the food in front of you with a pout.

“Did I just hear the Y/n ask Jacob to teach her how to play League?” Jaehyun suddenly popped out of nowhere.

“Fuck off,” you rolled your eyes at him as you set your chopsticks down.

“You know, I’m the highest ranked player in our school,” he said smugly. You wanted nothing but to wipe that look off his face.

You ignored him and took a sip of your water. Jacob awkwardly glanced between you and Jaehyun as he tightly held onto his spoon. He could sense another argument coming.

“I can teach you if you want,” Jaehyun offered.

“I don’t want,” you coldly rejected.

“Of course you don’t,” he scoffed. “You’re too afraid to spend time with me because you might realize that you actually like me.”

“Oh please. There are a few things in this world that will never change. The sun rising from the east, the sun setting in the west, and my hatred for you,” you said.

“Well if you hate me that much, then let’s make a bet out of it. The first one to fall for the other’s seducing loses,” he smirked.

Still stuck in the middle, Jacob shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

“You don’t have to accept the challenge if you’re not confident,” Jaehyun shrugged, making you narrow your eyes at him.

A list of pros and cons was being made in your head as you contemplated the crazy suggestion. The logical part of your mind wanted nothing to do with him. You knew that stooping down to his level was childish. You had much better things to do than go along with his bet.

The competitive part of you, however, couldn’t bear to back down. You would have to deal with him flaunting over you and calling you a coward if you didn’t agree to this.

So you disregarded all rationale and crossed your arms with a curt “deal”.

The walk to school the next day was full of complaints as you whined about falling for Jaehyun’s trick and Kevin chided you for it.

“I don’t know why you thought it would be a good idea,” Kevin tsk-ed. “He makes your blood boil within seconds. How are you going to hold back from tearing him apart? Never mind flirt with him.”

“I’m already regretting it,” you groaned.

“Speaking of the devil,” Jacob coughed, nudging you.

You looked up to see Jaehyun waiting by the school gates. He was holding a bouquet of flowers and every girl who passed by whispered to their friend about it. To everyone’s shock, he walked up to you and handed you the flowers.

“So it starts now?” you stared at the roses. “You call this seducing?”

“I call this romantic,” he grinned.

Rolling your eyes, you handed Kevin the bouquet and walked away. He awkwardly chased after you as Jacob offered Jaehyun a pat on the shoulder.

“She doesn’t like roses. She thinks they’re cliché,” he said before leaving.

When the dismissal bell rang, Jaehyun was waiting for you outside of your classroom. Hushed whispers erupted again as your classmates tried to figure out why he was being so affectionate to you. It was no secret that you two never got along.

After gathering your belongings, you grabbed your backpack and left without sparing him another glance. Unfazed, he easily caught up to you and slung his arm around your shoulder.

“What? Are you wavering already?” he teased.

“Not a chance,” you scoffed.

“As a part of the bet, I can teach you how to play League. That’s what you wanted anyway. Think of it as killing two birds with one stone.”

You ignored all the incredulous looks you received with Jaehyun by your side as you left the school grounds. You didn’t realize that you weren’t headed home until you stopped in front of a PC Room. Puzzled, you stared at the building in front of you.

“I promised that I’d teach you. Our first lesson starts today,” he said as he dragged you inside.

Your brain was bombarded with a whole new world. You struggled to keep up as he rambled on about bots and gold. He was showing you a demonstration by playing a round but your inability to multitask made it difficult to understand what was going on on the screen.

“My main is Jace and I usually go jungle,” he explained and you pretended to understand by nodding. At your silence, he eyed your expression and chuckled.

“So is Sunwoo the reason why you’re suddenly interested in League?” he asked, catching you off guard.

“How did you know?” you gaped.

“You thought I wouldn’t notice your little crush on him?” he raised a brow.

You were taken aback to say the least. You didn’t think he paid much attention to you other than when he was bored and wanted to mess around.

“Anyway, he usually goes mid as Zed,” he shrugged. “To be honest, the best way for you to bond with him through the game is for him to play ADC and for you to be support.”

“As if I know what all that means,” you frowned.

At that moment, his character died and the screen went gray. You snickered, earning a light flick on your forehead.

“ADC stands for attack damage carry. It’s the champion who usually does the most attacking. They go in the bottom lane with whoever’s playing support. Supports are supposed to aid and heal the ADC. So you would follow and communicate with them.”

“Sounds complicated,” your nose wrinkled in distaste.

“Sounds fun,” he corrected before turning back to the computer.

The next day, Jaehyun surprised you with a small potted plant in front of the gates.

“Since you don’t like roses, I got you a succulent instead,” he said proudly.

Next to you, Kevin giggled and Jacob let out a soft “aww”. Slightly touched yet also slightly embarrassed, you took it from him in a hurry and stormed off.

“You’re slowly getting there,” Jacob laughed as Kevin shot him a thumbs up.

Smiling, Jaehyun watched as they ran to catch up with you. He heard you yell at them after what was probably a teasing remark. You then began to chase Kevin, who ran away shrieking.

After two weeks of spending hours at the PC Room after school, you were starting to get a hang of the game. You found Teemo, who you insisted was a dog (he’s actually a rodent), and gushed over how cute he is.

Jaehyun made fun of your champion choice and shook his head as he explained that Teemo was the most hated character.

“Why? He’s adorable!” you defended. “And I love the little eggs he plants.”

“For the nth time, those are mushrooms! Not eggs,” he exclaimed. “And that’s exactly why everyone hates him. He’s so annoying.”

“You’re annoying,” you shot back.

“Well, Teemo’s not an option right now,” he pointed out.

He was teaching you how to play Howling Abyss that day. And playing ARAM meant your champion would be randomly given.

“Oh! The cute cat is available,” you excitedly clicked.

“That’s Yuumi and that’s actually not a bad choice,” he nodded in approval. “You just have to attach onto me and heal me.”

You hated to admit that you had grown closer with Jaehyun. Only a couple of weeks had passed by since the bet and you didn’t completely despise him anymore.

He gifted you something small each morning, whether it was a plant or piece of bread. He was always waiting for you at the gates. Dating rumors were already circulating the school but you hadn’t forgotten about the bet. You were determined to win it.

Which was why you began to wake up earlier to put on makeup and even complimented him during games. It was easy to make him smile. All you needed to do was throw a lame joke in here and there and he would burst out in laughter.

It was almost suspiciously easy. He was too willing to respond to your advances and never put up a wall.

But that didn’t mean he didn’t get on your nerves. His antics still bothered you to no end.

On the way home, he insisted on feeding you ice cream instead of having you hold it yourself. Except he kept pulling the spoon back when you opened your mouth to eat it.

The first time, you gave him a dirty look. The second time, you punched his arm. The third time, you gave him the finger and walked off after a “fuck you”.

“Is that a threat or a promise?” he laughed.

Once again, you were reminded of how immature he was.

“So has there been any progress?” Kevin asked.

It was gym period and all the students were running around in the field. Jacob was playing volleyball with Jaehyun while you and Kevin were sitting on the sidelines.

“I don’t know,” you shrugged.

“It would be the best enemies-to-lovers trope if you two actually end up dating like this,” he commented.

“Never,” you snorted in disbelief.

You had seen Jaehyun ever since he was a snotty little kid. Even back then, he was a mischievous brat. There was no way you could ever see him as anything but that.

The teacher blew his whistle, signaling the end of gym class. You got up, dusted your pants, and skipped down the steps. Unfortunately, you landed wrong and felt a sharp pain in your ankle as you fell down.

After Kevin shouted your name, Jaehyun turned his head to see you on the ground. Without thinking twice, he ran towards you and asked if you were okay. When you couldn’t reply, he put you on his back with Kevin’s help and sprinted to the nurse’s office.

Your heart was beating fast but you couldn’t pinpoint the exact reason why. Was it because of the pain? Or all the attention you were receiving from your classmates?

By the time you reached the office, your ankle was throbbing and swelling up. The nurse was nowhere to be seen so Jaehyun retrieved an ice pack himself and wrapped a towel around it before applying it.

You were sitting on a cot while he was bent down to tend to your wound. His forehead was wrinkled with worry and you stared at him. This was the first time he had ever treated you with such gentleness.

“I don’t think you broke anything but it’s definitely gonna hurt for at least a week,” he winced in vicarious pain.

You suddenly didn’t know how to act around him. You weren’t used to receiving sympathy from him.

“Uh that’s okay,” you coughed to cover up the awkwardness. You’d rather have him make fun of you for being clumsy. But instead, he seemed genuinely concerned for you.

“You should’ve been more careful,” he scolded.

There was something about the way he looked at you. His eyes were no longer playful but you couldn’t figure out what emotions hid behind those eyes.

Those eyes. His eyes clouded your mind. For some reason, you couldn’t get it out of your head.

You found yourself avoiding him as you struggled to organize your thoughts. Or rather, your feelings.

Wanting to distract yourself, you decided to finally talk to Sunwoo. Surely, spending time with him would help you forget about Jaehyun.

So you mustered up the courage to ask him out on a date. To your surprise, he happily agreed and suggested that you watch a movie together. There was a new romcom film that came out and that he had been wanting to watch.

The date wasn’t as awkward as you thought it would be. Sunwoo’s goofiness offset any nervousness and it was fun to be around him. But yet, it also wasn’t as heart fluttering as you thought it would be.

Perhaps you had idealized him too much in your imagination. Your romantic feelings for him dissipated and you saw him as a good friend. Luckily, he felt the same.

However, word about your date had already spread by the time you got to school on Monday. It had reached Jaehyun’s ears and his expression hardened when he saw you laughing with Sunwoo at lunch.

He knew what the ugly feeling in his stomach was. And he wasn’t happy about it. So he reacted in the only way he knew. By clinging to your side and pestering you.

He spent the whole day messing up your hair and being sarcastic. Eventually, you finally snapped and told him to piss off.

“I’ll consider it if you can beat me in tennis today,” he said.

You crossed your arms, wondering what was going on in his head. You hadn’t been able to defeat him since middle school.

“If you can get a single ball past me, I’ll leave you alone,” he proposed. With a huff, you reluctantly agreed. It would be faster to just get it over with.

That was how you two ended up at a tennis court after school. He never went easy on you but he was going especially hard that day. He gave you no breaks and flung the ball back at you with what felt like all his strength. Ball after ball flew past you as he grabbed another one to start again.

“What the hell, Lee Jaehyun?” you yelled across the court. “Why the fuck are you so aggressive today?”

“Are you giving up?” he taunted while bouncing the ball.

“Oh hell no,” you grumbled as you got in position.

Another half an hour passed by with him beating you again and again. You were drenched in sweat and starting to feel sore. But you refused to give him the pleasure of watching you admit defeat.

So you kept going until the ball accidentally hit your shoulder. The amount of force he put into that backhand made you yelp in pain as you dropped the racket.

Startled, Jaehyun ran over to make sure you were okay.

“You just can’t bear to see me win once, can you?” you glared as you shoved his hand away. “You turn everything into a competition and act like you’re superior over me.”

“I-I didn’t mean to do that,” his brows furrowed in guilt.

“Didn’t mean to do what? Make my childhood a living hell by ruining my favorite sport? Use my crush on Sunwoo to trick me into another stupid bet? Confuse me into thinking that you might actually not hate me?”

“I don’t hate you.”

“Then why are you so clingy?”

“Because I like you!”

His words brought upon silence. The tension in the air was thick as you both stared at each other.

“You’re so dense,” he sighed. “I wanted your attention, okay? But back then, I was a kid and didn’t know how to stay by your side without annoying the hell out of you. And then I didn’t know how to transition out of that.”

He fidgeted with a loose string on his shirt and took a deep breath before continuing.

“This stupid bet was supposed to change our relationship. I was supposed to show you that I’m not as bad as you think I am. That I’m a guy too. That I’ve been in love with you for a whole decade now.”

To say you were surprised would be a massive understatement. All your life, you had been sure that Jaehyun’s purpose in life was to irritate you. So when your heart began to skip around him, you cursed yourself for giving into the hormones that made you see him in a different light. You never thought that the feelings would be reciprocated.

“You don’t feel the same way? At all?” he carefully asked.

Your mouth opened but no words came out. You couldn’t find the right words to answer his question.

“You’re not saying no,” the corners of his lips curved up.

He took a step closer to you and held your cheeks. You felt your heart race at the proximity and froze.

“For confirmation?” his lips ghosted over yours. You barely managed to nod slightly before he closed the gap between you two.

As cheesy as it sounded, you felt sparks fly the moment you had your first kiss. By the time he pulled away, you felt your cheeks heat up.

“So I guess that means I won the bet before it even began,” you joked, making him laugh.

“Yes, yes you did,” he smiled as he hugged you.

[strideofpride]

Do you happen to know how old Rufus and Lily were when they had Dan and Serena respectively? I’m trying to figure out how long it was between their breakup and their children with their respective spouses, but as you mentioned before, the math ain’t mathing lmao

Hm okay, so. It’s complicated and contradictory like everything about gg. In the first 13 eps at least, it seems like Rufly knew each other as teenagers? Like it almost seems like we’re supposed to think Lily only spent her early childhood in Montecito and then moved to the UES as a teenager. Cause Cece also makes a point to mention that Lily didn’t go to her cotillion. But then the Valley Girls back door pilot completely contradicted all of that and makes it seem more like Rufus and Lily didn’t meet until after she went off to college maybe (but also she was at Brown??? Did Rufus just happen to be passing through?? Also is Rufus supposed to be a native New Yorker??)

And then there’s also the fact that Lily and Alison knew each other, and Alison saying that Lily held it over her head that she was Rufus’ first love makes it seem like Rufus and Lily still had contact after they ended things??? And also Rufus and William know each other as well from back in the day when they both were apparently vying for Lily’s affections?? And I think they mention that William and Lily basically grew up together which also doesn’t make sense for many, many reasons but the number one for me being that William just seems like at least a good five years older than her rip.

Anyway anyway all this to say it’s a mess. It’s verbally stated by Eric in the s2 thanksgiving ep that Lily was 19 when she was sent away, but Lily’s passport has her birth year as 1966, which would make her 22. Cause Scott was born in 1988. (I think we see this on a birth certificate? But he’s also still in college while Dan and Serena are freshman so that’s the oldest he could be anyway)

And Dan and Serena were born in 1991. So that makes Lily either 22 or 25 when she had Serena. As for Rufus, the GG fandom wiki has his birth year as 1965. I don’t really know where they got that from, but Rufus maybe being a year or two older than Lily makes sense to me. Anyway, so that would make him 23 when Scott was born and 26 when Dan was born.

No matter what, they were clearly young parents who might not even be 40 yet at the pilot. (I don’t think the actors were). And that seems deliberate cause the other parents of the main teens all seem to be firmly in their mid-late 40s.