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ghuleh-witch · 8 months ago

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And We Are Tied As One Eternally-IV

Fandom: Ghost Rating: Explicit Warnings: (For Future Chapters) NSFW, 18+, unprotected sex, p in v sex, oral sex, mentions of past abuse and domestic violence, references to suicide Relationships: Papa Emeritus IV/Copia x OFC Additional Tags: soft!dom Copia, eventual smut, developing relationship, kind of a slow burn, no beta reader Chapter Word Count: 2112 Summary: Ellie Moran just wanted to make a new life for herself. Running to escape the people in her past, she ends up in a small town in the middle of nowhere that happens to be home to a Satanic church. She never expected her life to change again after she started attending the public masses at said church.

Ao3

Chapters: 4/?

Tag list: @sodoswitchimage

Chapter Four

Oh, my Elenor, look what you’ve become: A blasphemous heathen! Hanging around those devil worshippers? They’ll drag you to Hell!

Ellie could hear her mother’s voice in her ear as she looked over the schedule of activities and events Gemma sent her. Throughout the week the Ministry hosted everything from cooking classes to group therapy. Ellie was interested in going to one of the support groups; a group for people like her who came from religious backgrounds and were struggling with those former beliefs and indoctrinations. Since Ellie began studying Satanism and the Ministry’s beliefs, she’d been hearing her mother’s voice more and more. The woman whispered the same thing in Ellie’s ear every time. Melissa Moran loved to remind her that she was going to hell and wasn’t worthy of God’s glory and the eternity of Heaven.

It’s been nearly ten years since Ellie last saw or spoke to her mother. As soon as Ellie could get away, she did. She could still remember the last words she said to the woman: God isn’t real and if He was, He’d be ashamed of you.

But despite the certainty that God wasn’t real, Ellie still doubted herself every day. What if she died and found out she was wrong? What if she was going to spend an eternity in Hell suffering? Was she even loved by God?

Ellie found herself pulling up to the Ministry gates ten minutes before the support group started. She punched in the gate code that was given to her and parked in the lot. She made her way inside and down one of the corridors on the first floor that led to a small classroom. Inside were five Siblings who were mingling around a table with snacks and drinks. One of them looked up as Ellie came in.

“Oh, you’re Sister Gemma’s charge,” they said. “Welcome! Papa Secondo will be here soon and then we’ll get started.”

Ellie nodded. So she’d be meeting Secondo today? She hadn’t seen the former Papa since that very first time at mass. Gemma said no one was really sure what he was up to these days.

“We ready to get started?”

Ellie looked up to see a bald man with sunglasses and a thin mustache walk into the room. He took off the sunglasses and folded them up into his breast pocket. He had the same white and green eyes as Copia. He scanned the room and nodded to each of the Siblings as they took a seat. Then his eyes landed on Ellie. He looked her up and down. “You’re a new face,” he said.

“Ellie,” Ellie introduced herself. “I-um-Sister Gemma said I was allowed to come to these.”

“Ah Sister Gemma,” Secondo smiled fondly. “You’re the new potential. She’s right, you are welcome here.”

Ellie smiled and relaxed back into her chair as the meeting began.

She was glad she wasn’t the only one who felt the way she did. After hearing some of the Siblings talk about how they were raised and their fears and doubts, Ellie had enough courage to talk about her own upbringing.

“We didn’t start going to church until after my dad was killed in Afghanistan,” Ellie said. “My mother thought it would help us heal. That church sucked her in and therefore me. When I left for college, my mother had my whole life planned out for me. She and that church were sending me to a Christian university where I could find a good God-fearing husband and have an education to fall back on in the event my husband was not around to provide for me and our children.” She let out a snort and looked around at the group. “I was 17. I didn’t want to get married or have kids. I just wanted to get a degree in something I was interested in and get a good job.”

“Christians love to have complete control over women,” Secondo said, looking over to her. “Their men think they hold all the power. They’re afraid of strong women and fear the power women hold. Without women, their way of life would never continue. There’s nothing I can say that will erase the pain and damage inflicted on you, Ellie, or any of you for that matter. But in time you will see just how strong and powerful you are. For what it’s worth, I believe you made the right steps in that direction just by coming here.”

Ellie chewed on the inside of her cheek as she thought about what he said.

“And we’ll end that there this week,” Secondo said. “Same time next week?”

“Sounds good,” one of the Siblings said as everyone began to rise.

“We’ll see you again?” Secondo asked Ellie as she stood.

Ellie nodded. “Yea…thanks.”

“No thanks necessary.” He replied before slipping his sunglasses back on and leaving the classroom.

Ellie left the room a minute later, her mind on what everyone said during the meeting. She wasn’t paying attention as she turned the corner and ran right into…a tricycle. She didn’t have time to process what she was seeing as her shin collided with the front wheel and she went down to the floor.

“Cazzo! I am so sorry!”

Ellie blinked and refocused. She saw Copia standing up straight from a red tricycle complete with a little brass bell. Copia was kneeling next to her as she sat up and winced.

“Ellie I am so sorry,” Copia said again. “I should have looked before coming around the corner.”

“I’m okay,” Ellie reassured her wincing again. She pulled up the leg of her jeans and looked at her shin. It was already turning into a bruise and a small scrap was leaking blood. “Just a scratch. I’ll be fine.”

“Let me clean that up,” Copia said looking at her leg. “It’s the least I can do.”

He stood, extending a hand to help her up. Ellie grabbed his leather-clad hand and pulled herself back to standing, the ache her in leg throbbing. “What were you doing riding a tricycle around anyway?” She asked, taking a step forward and wincing when she put pressure on her leg.

“Oh, eh, it’s a thing I just enjoy,” Copia said, looking embarrassed as he picked the tricycle up in one hand and held out his other arm for her to take. Ellie took his arm and he slowly led her back down the corridor. “There’s a small infirmary just down here. We have a doctor and a nurse who live and work here in the Ministry.”

“It’s really not that bad,” Ellie insisted. “I don’t want to cause any hassle.”

“It’s not a hassle,” Copia responded looking at her. “You’re injured and should be attended to.”

Ellie didn’t argue as she limped down the hall with him. When they got to the infirmary, the door was closed and the lights were off inside. “Must be on their breaks,” Copia muttered looking at his watch. “I have some bandaids and some ointment in my rooms. I could clean your leg up there. If you are okay with that, that is.”

“It’s fine,” Ellie said. “As long as I’m not interrupting anything. It’s just a scratch, Papa.”

“Eh, I was just fucking around. I’m done with all my Papa duties for the day,” Copia said guiding them towards an exit. “And call me Copia. It’s just the two of us right now.”

“Sure,” Ellie said as they walked outside and towards the house that stood behind the abbey. She looked over the house. It was a charming stone house with flowers surrounding the outside. “It’s a really nice house,” she said. “Was it part of the abbey when you all bought the place?”

“Si, we think it was the priest’s home before. It was remodeled and all the Papas live here now. We all have our own rooms and bathrooms and we share a kitchen and living room.” Copia said pulling out a set of keys from his pocket and unlocking the door.

“Are you sure this is okay?” Ellie asked. “I really don’t want to be a bother.” She knew Copia was just trying to help, but she had gotten so used to taking care of herself that the idea of someone else looking after her was foreign and slightly terrifying. She always felt like a burden. Her mother always made her feel like she was a hassle, and then there was her ex-

“Tesoro, you are not a bother,” Copia said turning to her and interrupting her train of thought. “Please let me do this for you. It’s my fault you got hurt.”

Ellie bit her lips and nodded. “Okay,” she said softly, giving in to his offer.

He smiled and led her inside. Ellie stepped into a small foyer where a coat rack stood filled with coats and hats. To her left was a living room with a leather sofa and a couple of armchairs. A large screen TV was mounted to the wall above a fireplace. The large bay window filled the room with natural light and made the dark wooden floors gleam. To her right was a kitchen with stainless steel appliances, granite counters, dark-colored cabinets, and a smooth tiled floor. Straight ahead was a staircase that led to the second floor. Passed the staircase were two doors at the end of a small hallway.

“It’s not a lot, but it’s home,” Copia said as he watched her look around.

“It’s lovely,” Ellie said. “Cozy.”

Copia smiled and led her up the stairs, taking each step slow as Ellie gingerly put weight on her hurt leg. The top of the stairs led them into a hallway with four doors—two on each side of the staircase. “My rooms over here,” Copia said, leading Ellie to the left and then to a door on the right side of the hall. He unlocked the door and pushed the door open.

Copia’s room was small but comfortable. He had a queen-sized bed covered in red linens and quilts. A loveseat sat at the end of the bed and faced an entertainment stand with a small tv and retro game systems. There were two doors along one of the walls that Ellie guessed were a closet and a bathroom. On the opposite side was a large window that overlooked the gardens and the forest that boarded the Ministry’s land. In the corner of the room was a large metal cage with—

“Rats!” Ellie exclaimed, limping her way over to the cage. “Oh my god, they’re so cute!” She looked over the four rats who scurried to the bars of the cage, curious about their new visitor. Ellie looked over her shoulder at Copia. “Do they have names?”

“O-oh? Si, yes,” Copia stammered as though stunned by her interest in the animals. “The white one in Alfredo. The black and white one is Pepper. The big gray one is Meatball, and the small gray one is Rigatoni.”

“They’re so cute” Ellie giggled as she held a finger up to the bars for the rats to sniff. “Could I hold one?”

“How about after I patch you up?” Copia agreed, opening one of the two doors on the opposite wall. It led to a small white tiled bathroom. Ellie could hear him opening a cabinet and routing around before stepping back into the bathroom with a small first aid box. “Sit down on the bed for me, cara.”

Ellie nodded and stepped over to the bed, sitting on the plush linens and mattress. She watched Copia walk over to her and kneel before her. She watched as he gently took her leg and pushed up her jeans to reveal the red and purpling bruise and dried blood of the scraps. “It looks like it hurts,” he said.

“A little,” Ellie confessed as Copia opened the first aid kit and took out a prepackaged wipe to clean the dried blood. “But it’s not so bad.”

He hummed in response as he gently cleaned the area. He reached for a small tube of antibiotic cream and dabbed a little on before opening a bandage. “It’ll be sore for a couple of days,” he said before applying the bandage.

“I’ve had worse,” Ellie said, playing with the sleeve of her sweater, remembering the scars it hid from view. “Nothing a couple of ibuprofen can’t handle.”

He nodded and looked up at her, his hands lingering on her leg for a second before gently pulling the leg of her jeans back down. “All patched up. Now, you wanted to hold the babies?”

Ellie grinned and nodded.

#awataoe #ghost #the band ghost #ghost fanfic #copia #papa emeritus iv #copia x ofc #copia x oc #papa emeritus x ofc #papa emeritus iv x ofc #papa emeritus fanfic #papa emeritus iv fanfic #my fanfic

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pink-tiled-bathroom · 1 month ago

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a letter to 25, 05/01/2025, 02:45

are your hands still stained with regret? does grief still pour out of your mouth where love once dripped?

is there still a hole in your chest with the same silhouette of wishing what can’t be?

did you try to drown your guilt in suicide again? did it almost work?

are we still trying to fill the gap between tomorrow and yesterday with week-old whiskey?

i know you won't see light when you close your eyes.

did we get married like we wished we would? did you cry at the altar,

begging god to make the nostalgia of past loves stop leaving gaping wounds across your heart?

the church was empty, wasn't it?

did you ever stop forgiving? forgetting? do you still remember me?

are you still the leader of a support group of people who had the misfortune of tasting your name on their tongue?

is your head still an overcrowded emergency room, all poorly packed gauze and bleeding out,

or do you finally see yourself as more than the hospital you were born in?

did the flashing lights stop leaving an ivory streak in your vision?

do you still sleep with a nightlight on in fear of your memories coming to haunt you on a midsummers evening?

did you ever learn to stop asking too many questions?

i know breathing still feels like pulling shards of glass up from your lungs.

do you still stare up at god, fists clenched between devotion and fury?

you still know you’ll never be holy. your wings are still bloodstained and tattered, aren’t they?

do you still pray for redemption in a pair of bourbon brown eyes?

you'll never stop wanting more. you'll never stop looking for a way out, something to make you feel whole, alive, full of blood and marrow.

are you still full of rot? do you still lick the flames like you were born in a pit of fire?

i know you're still haunted.

there's still crimson dripping down your lip. carmine red, the same color of your desire. the same color of your guilt, repentance, and sin.

are you still decaying? is the decadence of being adored still too much to stomach, do you still get sick every time you feel affection?

you can't be loved if you don't stop running from it. but that's all you ever do--run, run, run, because you have no solid ground within you.

or, maybe things have changed. maybe you learned to stop running. (but i really doubt it. maybe you're just lying to yourself again.)

do you still have rotten dreams scattered across your living room, empty boxes of food splayed across the kitchen?

you'll always be full of sin.

does the mundane still haunt you? will you ever stop, for fuck's sake, wanting more?

i'm assuming the whiskey doesn't burn anymore. i'm assuming it tastes like sweet wine, going down like molasses and honey.

you cried at the altar because you couldn't rid yourself of your past. you sobbed, breathless, upon coming face to face with your twenty-sixth year of living,

because you knew it was another promise broken. you know that red string will always be tied around your pinky, whether you can find the other end or not.

do you still feel like you're sixteen? do we ever stop feeling like we're sixteen?

you're trapped in summer dusk, where the splintering heat makes home feel like hell,

and every promise feels like it’s etched into the marrow of your bones?

did you ever stop crucifying yourself upon every sin? your palms are already punctured through. it's more of a hanging than a crucifixion now.

you can't tell whether the wood slivered into your palms is from the pews or the cross.

with sincerity and my deepest condolences, i hope you're doing well. i hope you have everything i wanted,

i hope you were led to somewhere worth staying.

#poetry #poets on tumblr #poem #prose #writers on tumblr #writers and poets #writing #wlw poetry #prose writing #wlw poem

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the-invisible-queer · 10 months ago

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How does a grown man beef with a child? Was it his daughter in the kitchen with your brother? Because if so that admittedly is a poor tactical choice.

And yes please give us all the decade old tea I bet it’s still good. Don’t even bother with pseudonyms if you don’t feel like it

OH BESTIE

Buckle the fuck UP and I'll drop initials so I don't get sued because the youth pastor is currently in a legal suit against his own father rn THE TEA IS PIPING

Our Characters:

Eddie - My older brother

R - Senior pastor

M - Youth pastor

M&M - M and his wife because they both suck and are one entity in one story

G - R's current wife

E- R's ex wife BUT NOT M'S MOM

JK - E & R's son

I've got 3 stories so it's long as fuck. There's aren't the only scandals just the main ones that have to deal with M's bitch ass. I can't wait to hear that he died. I'm gonna piss on his grave.

SO Eddie got the title of "junior youth leader" when he was like 15/16 because he WAS the youth group. People only showed up to hang out with him. He knew everyone. He knew everything that was going on. He was the one keeping the peace because we were ROWDY fucking kids.

FOR THE RECORD Eddie's kitchen fingering was not with M's daughter. It was with his first girlfriend.

Story 1: Local trashy white man picks on Puerto Rican teenager

Eddie is actually the reason M's daughter's bathroom fucking scandal wasn't a FULL scandal. He kept that shit underwraps and stopped the gossip because he was friends with both parties involved.

M wasn't our original youth pastor. We used to have this ANGEL named Tim but he moved out of state so R gave the job to his son. I never liked M and then when he gave me shit for taking Fridays off because I was exhausted from school I hated him. He was NOT meant for that position. I think he only got it because he was a big kid (derogatory).

NO ONE liked M. Deadass no one came to youth group for the lesson. We came to hang out with out friends we only got to see on the weekends.

Literally the beef STARTED because Eddie was smoking off property BEFORE youth group with a few other teens. M didn't like that because he's supposed to be an example.

Keep in mind Eddie was 16yrs old. Living in an abusive household. Taking the brunt of the physical abuse from our mom because he protected us. And he was a poor kid going to a private school and had to keep a certain GPA to stay. Man was stressed and JUST wanted to smoke before he had to go infront of his peers and friends act like everything was perfect and he was hyped for God for 2-3hrs every weekend.

So for like 2 months M and Eddie were going back and forth on Facebook. Indirect posts, comments. EVERYTHING WAS OUT IN THE OPEN! Eddie refused to move it to DMs because he's not stupid. If this grown man wants to act a fool he was going to do it in front of EVERYONE!

Like M was judging him so brutally and pulling out Bible verses out of his ass. It was annoying.

It came to a head when R basically told my dad to control his son. Imagine being I'm your late 40s with a son in his late 20s picking a fight with a 16yr old. And you blame it on the CHILD!

That obviously didn't sit well with my dad.

And it wasn't like my dad was just some dude. My dad was head of security. My mom was heading the baby/toddler care classrooms.

We were at the church SEVERAL days out of the week.

That was my second home at that point. It's the church I grew up in.

WE WERE PART OF THE CHURCH!

So we kind of started getting pushed out of the church. I believe we had been there for like 11 years at that point.

We finally left after a year of the awkwardness and feeling like it wasn't home anymore.

Story 2: Death, Devastation, and Divorce

This one is rough. Deals with losing a child. And is still very much a story that hurts me 19 years later.

In 2005, R and E's son, JK, who was only 7 at the time died on an amusement park ride. He was a friend of mine and I was absolutely fucking devastated.

R and E were still married and E was the worship leader at the time.

And it was FUCKED UP devastating. Because E took JK's body home and prayed over him for 3 days for God to resurrect him. Like she admitted this in front of the entire congregation. What made her stop and accept it was he came to her in a dream and told her he was not leaving heaven.

There was a huge rift at the church over it. Instead of people supporting R grieving his baby half of the church ended up leaving following this.

People didn't like that R rightfully took a break from preaching despite E still heading the worship team. He had guest pastors come in and give sermons. I think he took 3 months off.

During this time E had an affair with the man who she is now married to.

So obviously R and E divorced. Got in front of the whole congregation and broke the news. E left the church and opened a little cabaret theater with the money from the amusement park lawsuit from JK's death. E took all the money from the lawsuit because R didn't want it.

Even though I think he could have out some of that money towards the church but I digress.

A few years later R met and married G and they're still together. I adored G and still very much hope she's doing well.

Story 3: NEW TEA POPPING OFF AS WE SPEAK

SO I can't remember the date but I had a dream that Joe and I visited a church in Texas and it happened to be pastored by R. It was a weird dream because I hadn't thought of R in years and why was he in Texas?

TURNS OUT during COVID R and G sold the church and moved to Texas. I HAD NO IDEA THIS HAPPENED!

And the day I had the dream R&G posted on their Facebooks EXPOSING E, M&M and some other not important assholes from the church.

THE FUCKING DRAMA

So when G came into the picture people were weird obviously. She wasn't E. And some Christians don't believe in divorve and remarrying.

But what R&G exposed was some of the leaders didn't accept her. E still had loyalties within in the church. WHICH IS WILD!remarriage. She had spies.

Also despite E getting all the lawsuit money from JK's death, in the divorce she fought for alimony on top of child support. R and E had another daughter.

R claims she had 10% of his salary. He didn't fight or stand up for himself because he was trying to make it as quick and clean as possible for their daughter.

He also took accountability for not protecting and defending G from the sharks in the church's leadership.

E and her spies at the church made R and G's lives a living hell behind the scenes. AND NO ONE KNEW!

And even now that R and G are on the other side of the country E and M&M are still making their lives hell, trying to claim their new ministry is fraudulent.

Imagine caring that hard.

NOW let me tell you about M&M! So M married M² and I had no issues with M² but now as an adult I realize if she chose and married that piece of shit why wouldn't she also be a piece of shit?

So R alleges in his post that M&M did some sketchy ILLEGAL shit in the church that made him ask them to step down from leadership instead of throwing their asses in jail which they didn't like. Which at that point should have just sent them to jail.

He didnt specify because M&M/E and R&G are currently suing each other. It's a big MESS!

And after M&M were forced to step down they left the church and moved to NC.

And M&M/E we're trying to turn the rest of R's family (his mom and siblings against him) but fortunately they all knew better.

People mentioned in the lawsuits are people from the church my family knew personally.

Mostly all people I never fucking liked too. Which is why I trust my gut about people always.

It's a WHOLE thing and my mom is watching Facebook for updates.

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gaystheysanddinos · 2 years ago

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had an idea. it got away from me. now we got this shit.

Catalina is fourteen when she comes to the US. she is placed in a school, told through her limited english and their broken Spanish that this is where she will spend the next four years. After a week of teachers mispronouncing her name and hearing laughter every time, she learns to smile and say "Call me Catherine."

She struggles with classes, the words of her teachers unrecognizable and clipped, so they gave her a tutor. His name is George, and he speaks Spanish to her with a kind, open smile. She adores him. She can tell that he thinks it's cute, this lost little freshman with a crush on a senior boy. Still, he tutors her, and when she asks him, quiet and blushing, if he will help her learn english, he smiles and says yes.

George gets a girlfriend, and Catherine, for the first time since she arrived, goes to church. She sits and thinks, and prays, and tries to find it within herself to move on. George leaves at the end of the year, graduating and moving on, hand in hand with his girlfriend, and Catherine waves him off with a smile.

And then, there is Henry. He's George's younger brother, and looks eerily similar, and Catherine is not stupid. She knows they are different people. Can see it in the way Henry talks, all loud American and crude teenager. That doesn't stop her from wanting, so when he asks her out, she says yes without hesitation.

With Henry, she suddenly has friends, who smile and think her Spanish is "sick, dude!" Henry kisses her, soft and sweet, and when she tells him that kissing is as far as she'll go, that she is a good Christian girl and wants to wait until marriage for anything else, he nods and says he understands. She goes to church and thanks God for his gift to her, for Henry.

Catherine kisses Henry goodbye at the end of the year, returning to Spain for the summer. He grins, promises to text her every day, and then she is gone.

When they return in the fall, Henry smiles and kisses her, but his smile feels sharp. There is a new addition to their group of friends, and her name is Anne. Anne is energetic, and popular, and flirts with Henry constantly. Catherine looks at him, waiting for him to tell Anne that he has girlfriend, but he just smiles and flirts back. She lasts two months (staring at stained glass, wondering why God has given her this trial), before she snaps. She yells, and Henry apologizes. He asks for sex again, and Catherine reminds him of her desire to wait. He sighs and leans in to kiss her, but she turns away. "Not today, Henry." He glares at her, annoyed. "God, Catherine, you're like a fucking nun. How can you expect me to dat you when you won't even kiss me?" She turns around, gives him a smile full of fury, and says "Figure it out."

Anne smiles at Henry, the boy she'd met over the summer, the one who smiled at her and signed his texts 'xoxo'. She watches his girlfriend simmer, rolls her eyes, and goes back to watching Henry.

October comes, and Henry kisses her in the hallway. She smiles and asks if he finally broke up with his girlfriend . He shakes his head, glowering and saying that it shouldn't matter. Anne feels a bit bad, but it doesn't, really. It's all just a bit of fun, after all.

When Catherine glares at her and tells her to "stop flirting with my boyfriend, you pathetic bitch," Anne rolls her eyes and says "Oh my god, Catherine, get over it. He doesn't want to fuck you, go like, hang yourself or something."

The next day, the video is online and Anne is being flooded with angry looks and snide remarks. She ignores them all, walking in infamy though the halls hand in hand with Henry. (Catalina fades away from the group, and sits, and prays.)

Anne and Henry fight. They fight almost constantly, and they make up with heated kisses and hands down pants, in the backs of cars and false apologies. In March, they argue again, violent and explosive in the cafeteria. Henry rolls his eyes, says "Oh my god, Anne, don't be such a bitch," and Anne has a sense of deja vu before her vision goes red and she says "I wouldn't be such a bitch if you could get it up," slaps him, and walks out. Anne gets detention, and the next day there are hall monitors walking up and down the cafeteria, ensuring quiet and order.

Another video is posted, and the school turns on Anne. She reaches for Henry, for her fun, but he too looks at her with contempt. “Why did you provoke him?” They ask her, over and over, “He did nothing to you.” Anne wonders why none of them remember him calling her a bitch, but they laugh and say “He was just having a bit of fun, Anne. Don’t be so uptight.” She sees Catalina in the halls, and Catalina gives her a long look before walking away, head held high. Anne sits through her classes in a daze, words repeating over and over in her head. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone. I didn’t mean to hurt anyone.

She tries to understand why Henry seems to garner no scorn, why he is spotless in the eyes of the student body. She reads articles, watches interviews, learns about subconscious sexism and biases. She falls deeper down the rabbit hole of activism, determined to end this cycle of villainization.

Jane does not consider herself popular, but she is. She is soft smiles where Anne was cutting glares, kinds words where Anne was venom, and she has yet to meet a person who dislikes her. She paints, and she studies, and she considers herself to be altogether a very ordinary, unremarkable person. She likes- well, loves, if she’s being perfectly honest- Henry, king of their year and well on his way to becoming the star of the school. This, too, is a perfectly ordinary and altogether unremarkable thing, as she knows at least three other people who are infatuated. So when Henry, with his smiles and boyish charm, asks her to go to the end-of-year party with him, she knows it won’t last. Jane is in love, but she is not stupid, and she knows what Henry is like. She agrees anyways, because she is in love, and resigns herself to getting hurt.

Summer passes, and Jane and Henry spend it together, laughing and spinning in the sun. They go to movies, to beaches, eating ice cream together and talking for hours. Jane teaches him how to paint, and he shows her how to throw a football. He practices with his team, and she paints him, waving to the sidelines in his jersey, bright and young and full of joy. Jane is happy. Summer passes, and Jane almost lets herself forget that she is going to get hurt.

School begins again, and with their junior year comes work. Hard work. Henry is stressed, and he yells at her often, venting his frustration, but Jane does not scream back, does not rage and shout. She makes herself into stone, and listens, giving soft encouragements, helping where she can, never breaking, never snapping. She has made her heart into stone from the moment Henry walked up to her, and she is glad for it now.

Then, Henry says “Jane. I don’t think I can do this anymore.” He says “I met someone online. I really like her, and that’s not fair to you.” He says “You’re a wonderful person, Jane, please never lose that spark.” He says “Goodbye, Jane. I’m sorry.”

Jane nods, walks away, realises that even stone can crack under enough pressure. Jane does not think of herself as popular, but she is, and she has many friends to console her and help her heal. (No one spares Anne a glance, and they barely even remember Catalina.) She picks herself up, glues her stone back together, and moves on with her life.

Anne prefers Annie, thank you very much. She spends her days online, posting makeup tutorials and giving skincare tips. Speaking in German limits her audience, so Annie learns English, and goes viral. People love her, love how she gives easy How-To guides, love her flawless eyeliner and bright red lips. They love her tips for acne-free skin, call her an entrepreneur. A boy DMs her, says he wants to get to know her. She looks him up, learns that he is a star American football player at his school, that he likes painting and wants to travel. She tells him yes. He tells her his name is Henry.

Annie and Henry spend months talking online, exchanging numbers and calling every night. In June, Henry asks her to be his girlfriend, and Annie says yes, because out of all the offers she’s recieved, Henry is the only one who has ever bothered to get to know her. They are happy, talking and texting and posting videos. Annie watches her numbers grow and feels pride. Henry watches them grow and feels pride, too. In August, two weeks before Henry's school starts again, Annie flies to America for a sponsorship deal, and Henry agrees to meet her. It is a long flight, and is is hot, so she wears no makeup. When Henry sees her, his smile falters. He hugs her, but it is stiff and impersonal. When she asks what’s wrong, he sighs and says “You looked prettier online.” Annie stares at him in disbelief. Where had the boy who had been her gone? She thought she had gotten to know him, that he had gotten to know her, but now Annie realises that Henry had only ever seen who she showed the world, an idealised figure in his mind. She shakes her head, says “Fuck this,” and calls and Uber. The trip is not a total waste, however. She meets fans, people who tell her how much she has helped them with their self confidence, and she gets her deal. She returns to Germany determined to show the world that she is beautiful, red lips or no. @QueenoftheCastle posts another video. Henry scoffs and unfollows her.

Katherine starts her freshman year determined to have a normal high school experience. After the nightmare that her middle school years had been, all she wants is peace and good grades. No boys, she thinks to herself, please no boys. She joined cheer, and watches the team play. Henry, senior star, king of the school, smiles at her and offers for her to sit with him at lunch. She accepts, because, well, she needs friends, and his seem nice. They take her in, their little adopted freshman, and she is happy. Her cheer team joins them, and Katherine finally feels like a normal teenager.

Then, Henry starts walking her to classes. Then, Henry starts asking to hang out with her every day after school. Then, Henry is offering to drive her home. Her friends tease her, say that she should just ask him out, but Katherine brushes them off. Henry is a good friend, and besides, no boys is still very much her wish. Then, there is a party. Then, Henry is wrapping his jacket around her. Then, Henry is driving her home. Then, Henry is kissing her and telling her he loves her, and Katherine realises that no boys from a drunk fourteen year old can’t quite do anything against a sober eighteen year old, not when she’s in his jacket and his car and his circle and his school. So Katherine resigns herself to one more boy, and makes it quite clear the next day that kissing is as far as she will go. Henry makes a face and mutters something about it “Always being the Catherines, I swear,” but he agrees and grabs her to kiss her again. Katherine lets him, because what else can she do?

Her friends congratulate her, pat her back and ask for juicy details, but Katherine just smiles mysteriously and says she doesn’t kiss and tell. Her hands shake so she stuffs them in her pockets. Henry kisses her in the hallway, squeezing her into his side, and Katherine cries herself to sleep. She stops going to the optional cheer practices, because she can feel his eyes on her every time she flips, every time she poses. She starts wearing long sleeves to hide the bruises his tight grip leaves, tells her friends that she’s just cold, that “December is fucking ridiculous, why does this school have no heating?” She can barely look at herself in mirrors anymore.

Then, winter break arrives, and Henry goes away, off skiing with his family, and Katherine feels relief. She spends her days with Thomas, her best friend, the one man who has never looked at her with anything other than friendship, who talks to her and sends her memes and listens when she tells him about Henry and his bruises. He invites her to the Christmas party the team is throwing, and she agrees.

“As friends, right?” She checks, just to be sure.

“Of course, Kath,” he reassures her, smiling, “as best friends.”

So she goes, and she dances, and she laughs, and she drinks more than she should, because she knows that Thomas won’t have more than two, and that he’ll make sure she’s alright. He’s the best friend she’s ever had. He appears out of the blurred mass of people, swaying a little- or is that her? She can’t tell- and grabs her wrist. “Kath, c’mere, c’mere.” Katherine is pulled, stumbling, into his arms, and she sways as he steadies her, smiling as she blinks hazily up at him.

“Yeah Thomas? Whatsit? ‘M dancing,” she complains, and he laughs, pulling her to twirl around.

“Dance with me, Kath! C’mon, ’s fun!” She does, stumbling a little as she follows him around the floor. She looks up and sees him watching her intently. There’s something in his eyes that makes her shiver a little. He leans in, and she stops back, but his grip on her waist tightens.

“Thomas, wha-“ She is cut off as he kisses her, enveloping her mouth with his as she freezes in shock.

“Shhh,” he mutters, “I know you’ve wanted this for a long time. You’ve been eying me all night, haven’t you?” Katherine tries to back up, to tell him to stop, no, she hadn’t wanted this, all she had wanted was a friend, but, as it turns out, the words of a drunk fifteen year old are no more effective than those of a drunk fourteen year old, not against best friends who are more tipsy than they should be and holding her against them and know all her secrets. Oh, Katherine thinks, I guess it’s not so different after all.

School returns, and with it come Henry and every single person who saw Thomas kiss her at the party. Henry calls her a slut, voice filled with disgust, and breaks up with her. Her friends ask her why she would cheat on her boyfriend, and when she tries to explain herself, they tut and tell her she never should have agreed to go to the party. Thomas grins, smug, when she passes him in the hall, and she stops trying to fight back her tears. Then, she is changing for cheer, crying silently, when she hears someone say “Katherine, is that a bruise? What happened?” She turns around, shrugs, says “Bumped into the bleachers yesterday, hurt like a bitch,” and turns back to her locker, because what can she say? Katherine knows by now that the world does not care about her. Then, she feels a hand of her shoulder, and she flinches. One of her teammates is standing behind her, and gives her a sad smile. “Me too,” she says, “In my sophomore year. I’m sorry, Katherine.” Katherine feels herself crumple, because apparently the words of eighteen year old girls who understand can do a lot for fifteen year old girls who don’t. She lets herself be held as she sobs, and then her team is there, holding her and telling her that they’ll kill whoever hurt her. She shakes her head, tells them that she doesn’t want that, that she just wants to get through high school in peace, and they tell her that of course she will, they’ll make sure of it. Katherine get all of their numbers, and realises that though the world might not care about her, she has people who do.

Cathy Parr has seen it all. She’s been there from Catalina through Katherine, and at this point she has no romantic delusions about what Henry’s like. Besides, she’s not interested in him anyways. It’s senior year, and she’s focusing all of her attention on getting into a good school so she can be a scientist. Plus, she’s still in love with her best friend, who is very much taken and will never know about how she feels, if she can help it. When Henry asks her out, Cathy knows she should scoff and say no, but she needs to get over her friend, and fast. Rebound, her mind whispers at her, and she knows it’s true, for Henry and maybe even a little for her. So she says yes, and suddenly Henry is everywhere in her life. They don’t go to many parties, because Cathy has never liked crowds, and needs to focus on her work. She tells him this, and Henry smiles ruefully, saying that he could probably stand to study more as well, and Cathy’s late night study sessions become a study group of two, and she and Henry pour over books and worksheets, with Cathy answering every question he has eagerly, explaining concepts while he watches her fondly.

The year passes in a flash, and soon it is spring and they are deciding on the courses of their futures. Cathy almost screams as she sees the acceptance letter, her dream school telling her that they'd love to have her join them. She flips through the other letters, but she pays them barely any attention, whipping out her phone to call Henry. He congragulates her exitedly, an asks her what other schools she's gotten into. She tells him, and he's silent for a long time. Finally, he says "Don't go." He tells her that he's gotten into one of the other ones, the ones she'd discarded with barely a glance. He says "C'mon, come to collage with me. It'll be fun!"

And Cathy wants to protest, but she knows Henry. She knows that if she doesn't go with him, then that's it. And, well, Cathy's starting the feel less and less like a rebound every day, and she kind of wants to keep this. So she agrees, and sends the school her reply.

Collage is… fine, she guesses. It’s not the best school, but it’s certainly not the worst, and she likes the people there. But Cathy has to admit that, when it comes down to it, she had chosen wrong. Henry couldn’t care less about school, partying every night, barely going to his classes, and Cathy knows that it’s only a matter of time before he tells her that he’s ‘found another girl, but I’m so sorry’ and moved on, so she talks to her counsellor and starts the process of applying to other collages. She knows that her dream school is out of reach, now, but there are other dream schools, other opportunities, and Cathy is not going to let Henry hold her back. He drops out at the end of the year, and she accepts her welcome letter (not her dream school, but certainly impressive) and moves on with her life.

Years later, they will meet, the six of them.

Catalina is a nun, and a teacher, because she loves her God, and doesn’t particularly want to get married, and certainly doesn’t want to have sex, and she likes the quiet routine being a nun brings. She works at a school, providing quiet support to her students and watching, always watching, for girls and the Henrys she can save them from. She is contacted by Anne, who is an activist and aspiring politician, determined to change the world for the better. Anne is doing an interview series on toxic relationships, and she wants Catalina to be part of it. They talk, for the first time since that long look in a high school hallway, and they forgive. The joint interview is a success, and Anne is flooded with requests for more videos.

Catalina meets Jane by chance. She is happily married now, and her kids are in Catalina’s class. They catch up over test papers and detention slips, and when Catalina mentions Anne’s interview series, Jane agrees without hesitation.

Katherine (Kay, now,) reaches out to them, She’s a singer, and co-founded an organization dedicated to spreading awareness about statutory rape and providing aid to victims, and she wants to do an interview. She gets her interview, and posts it on her website, and there are requests for even more.

Anne reaches out to Cathy, and Cathy, now a biologist, agrees before Anne can even ask her. She’s seen the other interviews, and she knows the good that they do for the world. It’s Kay who finds Annie, the creator and owner of Holbein Cosmetics, makeup that aims to enhance rather than conceal. Annie is hesitant, but she does her interview, and with the cross-continent nature of the thing, their views skyrocket. People are still asking for more, and Anne- all of them- want to give.

They create a groupchat, the Ex-Wives, and when Kay mentions this, offhandedly at a Q&A, people go wild. They are clamouring for more ‘Ex-Wives’ and so, when Cathy’s old school reaches out, they accept. The ‘Ex Wives: On Abuse, Manipulation, and Toxic Exes’ lecture tour begins, and continues, and continues, until they end up just posting it online, because they all have actual jobs that they need to do. But the Ex Wives groupchat remains, and they go on.

And Henry? Jane googles him once, with Catalina peering over his shoulder. The most recent anything they can find is an article about his football team from highschool. Catalina giggles, Jane sends a screenshot to the chat, and they go on, Henry forgotten and unremarkable.

#ao3 #six the musical #yes i wrote a six high school au ok #i wrote katherines bit while chugging monster and you can tell lmaoo #fanfic #katherine howard #now i can go back to writing my other thing that im supposed to be working on #this was holding me hostage

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pvccblog · 2 years ago

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AND SO IT BEGINS

Our main events got off to a great start here in Elk Creek! Our team is doing an amazing job here. We've had devotionals based on our theme scriptures for this week and they've been doing a great job living it out. Here it is:

Philippians 2:1-5

So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus.

I'm so proud of every team member, they're working together in unity and encouraging each other every day.

We didn't have a huge turnout at sports camp this morning - 6 kids. But it was so cool watching our team interact with them. We said from the beginning that God will bring who He brings and that it doesn't matter how many or how few show up. Those 6 kids had such a great time and were treated so well!

I also have to give a major shout out to Eva. She taught the Sports Camp lesson today and did a fabulous job. Eva's mom teaches Sunday School at PVCC and it's obvious that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. She is a gifted teacher. She was engaging, clear, and energetic.

For those that have been praying, one of the girls at camp was on the golf cart last night. Then two of the other girls showed up at BARF Night tonight with her! Please keep praying for them, there were some great interactions.

After Sports Camp we ended up eating lunch at the local restaurant and it did not disappoint! The workers there had heard we were in town and said they were expecting us! The service and food was outstanding. We even saw one of the girls there from sports camp with her family and her grandma paid for a portion of our meal. How cool is that!?!?

At BARF Night, we played Nuke 'Em much of the time with Bear Ninja Hunter and The Captain is Coming mixed in. I think there were 10 locals here with our group and we all had a great time. By the end of the night, everyone seemed like they'd been friends for years. It was pretty sweet.

Andrew shared his testimony first and let me tell ya - he preached it! He shared how God drew him in over the past couple years through some circumstances that caused him to just decide to start coming to church. We are so glad he did!!

Andrew was a great example of sharing your story while also sharing the gospel. He was clear in his presentation and also told everyone here that he hopes they can have a relationship with Jesus too. Thanks a lot Andrew, great job! I also loved that when he went up to share he went straight to the pulpit!

Ellie also was a great example of sharing very personally about how God drew her closer to Him through some difficulty. She was diagnosed with a rare type of juvenile arthritis almost two years ago and told everyone that it caused her to rely on God more. He has been with her every step of the way. As difficult as it has been on her, she said that she doesn't know if her relationship with God would be as strong as it is if she wasn't going through this. That's a powerful thing to say!

I watched some of the locals listening to the testimonies and it is obvious that they are connecting with them. Please pray that this will lead to great conversations and that people would receive the gospel message!

Thanks for praying for the golf cart girls, there is one that was with them that didn't make it tonight. There's also another dude that drove his truck around with another girl tonight. They drove past and waved a bunch of times and everyone knew who they were. Pray that they'll come hang out with us too! Honestly, it seems like if these remaining three come to our events then that would mean pretty much everyone in town would be here!

Serenity went out of town today. She's going to a Christian Camp and might be back in time to come to BARF Night on Friday. There are some other youth that live around here that are also out of town.

I fell like we've really made some great connections in a short period of time. Please keep praying. God is good!!!

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latenightgasstationwalk · 1 year ago

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People always say that like If religious people only follow the rules of their religion / maintain basic moral values for the divine reward of an infinite, beautiful afterlife, then they must just be assholes. But to be quite god damn frank, being a vessel for a fucked up brain myself, I can tell you that your reality can be drastically altered by things going on in your head that remain dormant and probably go unnoticed for your entire life. Maybe some people really need religion to understand that the “do unto others” mindset is pretty much a blueprint for being a generally “good” person. If there is such a thing. I’ve been coming around to the idea of church in my older years also. Not like actually though. Still weirded out by like 90% of it but I like the idea of a large group of people getting together every Sunday and just feeling that sense of belonging and togetherness.

My grandparents used to make me go to a Penecostal church when I was young and it was like damaging to my brain. It was one of those churches where they like speak in tongues and run up and down the pews and go ape shit when that god awful music comes on. I hated every second of it, but looking back on it, I almost feel like (other than the parts I obviously have a problem with) the blueprint of what a church is and does is most certainly not something I’d turn my nose up at. Like prayer circles are weird to me but it’s still nice of them you know like you’re going through a hard time and they all get up and out of bed and go to that big building they all hang out in and pray for you. That’s kinda tight tbh.

How about Instead of church we just have like weekly neighborhood meetings where we all hang out and like we don’t really have a goal other than let’s hang out that would be dope. And to ask how people are doing and be like one big team that always considers each other and tries to make life more enjoyable for everyone involved.

I think I’m guna finally send my insanely religious grandpa a text and be like “omg grandpa I wana find Jesus heeeeeeelp” just so I can go to this church and see what’s up like wtf y’all doin in there.

All I’m saying is if you gutted the churches of all the religious bullshit and re-worked them into community oriented places of love and acceptance, with a total lack of judgement, where people can still get together and sing and exchange casserole recipes and talk about their work week that would rule hard.

Bars are the same way just stop serving alcohol.

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nerdwithapencilusesthepencil · 1 year ago

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I know I'm in college, and I know that parties like the ones I went to can get wild. But I've never went to a party that ended in multiple bite marks before. At least...they were all human bite marks before this party.

I should probably start at the beginning. The whole time through my high school career, I was, to put it lightly, a loner. To put it heavily, I was an outcast and a freak in the eyes of my peers. You think you know a guy (gender neutral), and then they start wearing all black, and getting piercings, and writing book reports about “Rappaccini's Daughter”, am I right? Anyway, growing up in rural Idaho meant that the closest thing to “subculture” we had around here were the different week night activities you went to with your church friends. One day midway through high school, I decided I needed a change, and my town decided they did not vibe with that. I hoped that things would change once I made it to college.

And change they did; it wasn't long after moving in that I was approached by some other goth people for basically the first time in my life. One of them I recognized from my intro to college reading class, but that was about it. Apparently, they were—not really a club, definitely not a fraternity, so I guess a “clique” would be the best term for it, and they were on the lookout for new members. I guess the college reading kid dug my (impeccable, if I say so myself) vibes and wanted to approach me about hanging out with them.

For a while, hanging out was all we did. We'd go to one or another friend's house/apartment and chill, playing video games, reading old books, and listening to Bauhaus. Things were good—I had an in group for the first time ever; I had friends. The one weird thing about them happened near the end of the month. All of them clammed up something fierce; none of them had the same vim and verve that they showcased in our hangout sessions, and my friend from class didn't even show up, which was a noticeable first for them. It stayed that way for a few days straight, then they went right back to how they always acted. At least most of the time, anyway.

Whenever I tried asking one of them about what had been going on with them the past couple of days, I could never get a straight answer, let alone a satisfactory one. Every time I tried, they found some new excuse to dip—meal times, laundry to be tended to, the works. It was after a few more days of this that I gave up on trying to get it out of them and decided to let them keep their secrets.

It was about a week after this that one of them suggested a new activity idea to the group. Their housemates were out of town for the holiday, they said, so they basically had their apartment all to themselves. This was the perfect opportunity to go beyond the levels of our typical hangouts and really make it a night to remember. Well, that last part certainly came true.

It started out normally, with us falling into our routines of gaming and watching random crap on the TV while we waited for everyone to arrive. Once the last member of our little group arrived, that was when things started to get wild. They had brought beer. Beer and...other substances. I was underage and raised in a small conservative town, so I obviously had no experience with this sort of thing, and part of me wanted to stick to my guns and remain a teetotaler, or at least a designated driver. But, a smaller part of me said, this is your chance to stop feeling like an outsider. And be honest...you've wanted to try these for a while, haven't you?

I'd got me there.

From there, the night spiraled into a hedonistic blur. Things were said, objects were thrown, kisses were shared...and that's just the parts of it that I remember. At some point, I must have blacked out, because the first thing I remember after the beer really started to flow was waking up in my own bed with a splitting headache, and smaller pains all over my body. Those pains, as I later discovered, were coming from the variety of bite marks I found myself festooned with.

As we started to hang out again, I kept the bites to myself; it was at least supremely awkward to talk about, and at worst could jeopardize my standing in the friend group. Besides, they were all as drunk as I was, right? Surely I couldn't hold them accountable for...whatever had happened to me.

Things proceeded as normal for the next couple of weeks. Then my friends started talking more and more often about the upcoming full moon. Like, a lot more often. I know we were goth and all, but this still felt like something of an unhealthy fixation. As usual, they didn't key me in on anything, but it still felt like they wanted me to be aware of it. Like...I dunno, things just felt more pointed. All of this culminated on the afternoon before the full moon. My class friend pulled me aside and asked me to follow them to meet up with the rest of the guys (gender neutral) for a thing tonight, with promises of an explanation for all the weird stuff they've been pulling. I agreed, mostly to see if I could get any sort of answers or closure for how weird they were being.

When we got there, the rest of the group was...worryingly scantily clad. Nothing indecent, I promise, but it still felt like they were going for minimum clothing. My friend pushed me into the center of the room and took off their jacket as the rest of the crew looked me up and down.

“Wolf, obviously,” one of them said. “Bear,” said another. One just said “Rat”, which seemed oddly patronizing. I was about to ask what any of this meant, when the clock on the wall started to chime. Six o'clock; the sun had long since set by now, but this was the first time I could catch a glimpse of the full moon through the window.

“Looks like it's starting,” my classmate said. “Time to see which of us you're going to take after.”

Then I doubled over in agony as my skin split in two.

Your new friends are really obsessed with the upcoming full moon. You thought nothing of it until you overheard them guessing and gossiping about what “species” you could be.

#my writing #writers on tumblr #writing prompts #horror #(or an attempt at it)#werewolf #werewolves #(perhaps)

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callinglifehello · 4 months ago

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it started here

I've never used tumblr before. This is my first time and it may be my last. Only time will tell. I don't know anything about tumblr. What it is, what you do or how it works. But i have heard about it in various forms of media.

And sometimes i need a space where i can share everything from the fucked up place i call my brain. Everytime i start to think about my life i say a tired "nope" and immediately put on a dumb youtube video to quiet my thoughts.

I'm gonna tell you a bit about myself . Not that it matters but just to give you soem context before you read my posts.

I've pulled the short stick in life because i am a teenage girl living in the middle of fucking nowhere. Being a teenage girl is shitty itself, that's just a fact. I would deem these years the worst and best ones in my life. Those two condradicting statements are what makes it really shitty.

My life is beautiful. I have a strong and healthy body and can still eat a lot of junkfood without being fat. I know that won't be the case when i'm older because of genetics.

I don't have to pay for housing, food or electricity. I don't have a house to clean, a dog to walk or any social events in need of attending. Other than school.

But when you see all of this, a carefree life full of opportunities and so much more to discover and combine this with anxiety, laziness, a phone addiction, problems with anger and several undiagnosed disorders, you know what a joke life has played on me. All the time but never the energy.

So i stay inside, hoping that someday i'll have the energy to throw away my computer and start life as a productive and strong person. Even though i know that that day will never come.

I said before that i live in the middle of nowhere. And when i say this i don't mean the classical "i'm a sad teenager living in a small town in idiana with only a mall, a cinema, a church and a waterpark *gasp!*"

I mean that my closest neighbour west lives 1 mile/1,5km away. The nearets bus stop is 2 miles/3km away, along with the nearest grocery store and theres about 50 people living in my village.

I think a lot of people either invision that i live in africa (which i don't) or that i live in the middle of the us, surrounded by desert and mountains (which i also don't).

I live north above the equator (very north) and experience four seasons and snow. I live somewhere predominantly christian and i am going to get confirmed next summer, even though i don't believe in god.

My parents used to be super strict, and still are in some ways. But in a lot of ways they're chill. They let me have sleepovers and tries to stay out of our way during them. They drive my sister to parties they know people are going to drink at because they also know my sister is a nerd and a sportsfreak that would never drink because it could interfere with her training and she's responsible.

My parents regularly try to get me out of the house, to get me to exercise or do anything healthy. But i always manage to escape their tries.

I have five close friends. One is from my old school. It had seven different grades but there were only 50-60 students because that school was also in the middle of nowhere. My friend from there, let's call her Emma, and i only became friends in 5th grade. This was strange considering that we had been in the same school since she was six and been in the same daycare attached to the school since i was two.

She's a year younger than me which means we weren't in the same class. This shouldn't have been a problem since the grades are so small the school often combine two or three into one big class. But fate would have it, it took several years before our grades got pushed together. And after a couple of weeks we got put together for a group project and i hung out at her house that day.

I graduated from that school 1,5 years ago and now we only hang out once in a while, maybe every three months. I like being with her and she likes being with me, yet i never snap her or ask to hang out. I get scared and it feels like a daunting task. And later i hate myself for not asking her because she's my best friend.

I don't think we're best friends actually. Because of two reasons. 1. Because we're no longer in the same school so now she hangs out more with her other friends 2. We've never really been "best friends". We were each others best friends for two years, but we never really had that energy that normal best friends have. We were always just each others best option.

I have three other friends from my new school. Lets call them Alice, Nellie and Mia. Almost everyone in my class didn't know anyone when they started. Only a few people recognized each other from their old schools but no one really knew anyone else. Among the girls no one knew each other. At first i hung out with two other girls, but only for a while. It felt like i was always too much with them. Everytime i got excited they would stare, comment about it and i would hate myself. So when i talked with alice a few weeks in and we connected i started hanging out with her. She, Nellie and Mia had been hanging out since the first week so we became a group.

We love having sleepovers, studying at cafés and doing secret holidays, Secret holidays are like secret santa but for different holidays. It started christmas last year and now we do secret valentine, secret halloween, secret friendsgiving and of course, secret santa. I tried suggesting a secret holiday for every month but they quickly shut that down since it would drain us of any money we ever managed to save.

This was just an introduction, but i hope i may share my shitty thoughts with you in the future.

Until then, what now?

#life #relatable #thoughts #i dont know #calling life #what now #my thoughts #friends #wonder

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annieintheaair · 5 months ago

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Some things they get lost and then get found, and some things are better the second time around.

It's funny how some things come back around, and I was thinking, what if we just let the past sink into the deep end, we could just pretend we never moved on, pick up right where we were last... Let bygones be bygones and don't leave a good thing gone too long.

I am obsessed with the new Troy Cartwright album that was just released this week. The whole album is amazing. To summarize, he sings about love lost. It really gets you thinking. The song Bygones was confusing to me initially though I loved it the first time I heard it. A bygone, by definition, is a thing from an earlier time. When he says "let bygones be bygones" it first makes you think he's saying to let those of the past go but deeper into the lyrics, it's clear that he's saying to leave the past in the past but don't let a good thing go for too long and pick up where you left off (before it went wrong and ended).

By definition, "let bygones be bygones" means to forget about unpleasant things that happened in the past, and especially to forgive and forget something bad that someone has done to you. Now that you know what the song is about, go listen to it and let it just rip your heart wide open. I mean, the lyrics really speak to me.

Anyway, this last week has been busy. I was able to fit in yoga classes nearly every day and had somewhat of a self-care week. I got my hair done on Wednesday and my hairdresser, Nikole, asked me if I'd be a hair model for an upcoming photoshoot, which is pretty exciting.

I started a new bible study on Thursday morning. We're studying Jude and it's a 7 week study. Kathryn was able to get me moved into her group and it seems like a great group of people. I'm really excited to be part of it.

On Friday, my landlord came over in the morning and put up curtain rods for me so that I could hang my curtains, finally. Curtains make such a difference!

After my landlord left, I drove to Hideaway Pizza since they're opening a new location in the next town over. I signed up to get some free takeout and ended up with a pizza, salad, and baked ziti. I stopped at Black Rock on my way home because I needed some caffeine.

Friday afternoon I had my first microdermabrasion facial. It was pretty amazing and made my skin feel so clean and clear. I bought a 2-pack on Groupon so I have another one in a few weeks.

When I got home from work on Saturday morning, I decided to go get my lashes done. I never do fake lashes but love the Keratin lash lift and tint. It's perfect because now I can skip wearing mascara and avoid getting it in my eyes when I sleep during my ODANs at work. Immediately after that, I ran home quickly and then went to a yoga class in Dallas. One of my favorite instructors, Destiny, instructs there and since my regular studio near my house closed down this week (I had two final classes this past week with Heather), I thought it would be good to try a new studio. I am still feeling the effects of that class!

After yoga, I went to the nail salon for a mani/pedi. I love going on days off from work so I can have a drink and they make the best Blue Hawaiians.

When I got home, Marx came over and we went to Total Wine and then jumped in the pool for a bit until I had to get ready to meet Jillian for dinner. We went to Quartino, which was pretty good, and then walked around a night market until I got too tired and had to head home. I was going to meet Eric and Matt at Truck Yard but I had no energy left. I literally went home, put my pajamas on, and crashed on my couch immediately before finally going upstairs to bed at midnight.

Sunday morning I was supposed to meet Matt at the lake for a Trump parade but I couldn't get myself out of bed until 10am and then ended up going to church. I ended up having a pretty lazy Sunday, which was actually a good thing considering work was pretty hellish last night having to deal with weather delays, mechanicals, and then pilots going illegal. We got to Tulsa so late that we had barely any time to sleep. When I got home this morning, I got a few things done and then took a nap on my couch.

I guess I felt some sort of motivation when I woke up this afternoon because I finally put my lamps next to my bed. Since it was my third time installing them, it went super quick. I feel like now I finally have the hang of it. It's good to know that I'll be home tonight and that's done.

Tonight I'm going to a RoughRiders game with my neighbors and Marx. We got tickets for the lazy river. For years, I have wanted to float the river while watching the game but never did it. When I received a text the other day with a special price to do it, I texted everyone and luckily they were all down to do it for Labor Day.

Anyway, I'll end this post with the new Troy Cartwright song, Same:

Are you up late Cause you can't sleep Does your heartache For some used to be You say you'd feel a lot better If we put it back together Like nothin' really ever changed

You say you think about us all the time Keep talkin' girl you're readin' my mind You're wishin' that we never said goodbye Well right back at ya, yeah it just so happens That's the same thing I've been doin' Since it all went up in flames

xoxo

Annie

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binomech · 6 months ago

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I mean it when I say that Kim and Harry's relationship is only possible at the point in time where they meet, as the people they are during the Hanged Man case. I love playing with AUs but the same way even a Harry with amnesia is inevitably a product of his past, so is Kim. this is long post so i'm putting it under a cut.

facts about Harry:

Harry tried to kill himself three times in one night and he failed to kill his body

The Harry you meet does not remember this, consciously, and yet sometimes the only thing he thinks will solve a situation is killing himself

Harry doesn't remember his mother, but he remembers being very loved by her

Harry is the only person left from his childhood friend group, and he forgot them

Harry learns about his life through a case ledger and a bitter coworker and a town full of people he traumatized before he tried to kill himself

The ledger says: You were brilliant and bright and you solved every mystery. You once beat a man until he could never walk again with this very clipboard because he reminded you of yourself. Out of all the policing specialties, you picked building safety regulation because it wasn't violent, and once you spotted a crumbling building and reported it but it fell before anyone in the force could give a shit and a bunch of families died. Your partner that you forgot, who you only have experienced as vitriolic and judgemental, once campaigned to keep a street mural because he knew it was a sign of hope for you and you liked it.

Your body remembers what your mind cannot: The smell of apricots and loss. Being raped. Prepping for anal with another man. Being a gym teacher, a loving mentor and then giving it up for the apricot smell. A sick liver. A sad brain. A locked jaw and chronic pain because the polio epidemic took everyone but not you. Survivor's guilt. The need to dance.

he thing about harry's memory loss is that it's that his life becomes a crime scene to investigate. and he's very good at that. he's been told it's the only thing he's good at. and his body remembers that that momentum is the thing keeping him alive. and yet everything he finds is marred with mistakes, violence and lots and lots of love that make the mistakes and violence even more damning. and he can't stop looking with morbid curiosity because it doesn't even feel like his life, but he's living the consequences of it. and sometimes he does things, he feels things, and he understands that he's not someone else and then he wants to die.

Why are you an amnesiac? Is it because the pale took you while you sank in the water next to a church where baby pale is growing? Is it what the decades of substance abuse did to your brain tissue? Is this you, protecting you from yourself, just so you can live for a few weeks more?

Why are you a detective? You remember being a happy teacher, a good teacher, you were an art student teaching gym. why did you change careers? Is the insatiable curiosity that your body remembers something that was eating you alive? Is it why you're still alive at all, to find out? Did you think you could do more with a gun in your hand and some speed in your system? Did she think that?

And then there's Kim. One of Kim's lines that is among my favorites, and weirdly honest for what we get from him usually when he's talking to people that aren't Harry is:

"My position, ma'am? My parents got ripped to shreds in the Revolution -- I would have gone the same way. I was saved by being two years old. That's my position -- the abattoir."

Harry's life is defined by a violence that he cannot remember, Kim's life is defined by a violence he cannot forget.

And that, I think, is important to their dynamic. Kim's life is defined by the degradation he has suffered, by the Moralintern as the child of revolutionaries, by his peers at every point in his life due to his racial heritage and his sexuality, by his disability. His fear isn't even fear, it's a certainty -- he's waiting for the other shoe to drop and go the same way his parents went, in front of a firing squad for daring to want something better. So he bargains, and he tries to delay what he knows is coming by not only not stepping out of line but giving the line a wide berth that could be a fucking moat filled with krakens.

He grows up Dolorian breathing the ideology of the institution that had his parents executed 24/7. He believes so deeply that he is as important as everyone else for the world to keep going, a blue forget me not, a piece of the sky. But of course he knows enough about his parents so he cosplays as a revolutionary and joins the RCM as the shitty replacement of the Commune's guerrilla.

He spends 15 years in a position usually given to recently enlisted officers because they do not believe him to be good enough. He finally promotes by going undercover as a teenager and infiltrating a fucking arcade because asians look so young and asians are so good at tech. The first partner he gets as a detective is nicknamed Eyes because he was assigned to him because his eyesight and sharpshooting could not be trusted. He doesn't see a shooter approaching and Eyes takes a bullet for him and he's the one to deliver the news to his family.

He doesn't even believe in Moralism, strictly, because he's too old and not innocent enough but the sunk cost of spending his entire life carving his tombstone as an RCM lieutenant is simply too much to give up. He rations his cigarettes to remind himself no matter how much he wants, wanting will destroy you from the inside out.

And then, he gets sent to Martinaise both because he is undeniably good at his job (he's shown them, he can shoot, he can fine, he can send people to jail facilities without breaking a sweat, he can lord over his authority to any civilian as much as any other straight white cop in the precinct) but also with the expectation that he will Fail and they'll finally have a reason to demote him. And he goes there and waits for two days for Harry to show up and when he does, he's drunk, doesn't know the basics of the world (the basics he cannot forget for one second or they will kill him, too) and is still capable of wonder.

And Kim is so fucking jealous. He's like "what the fuck, I have to do so much and this guy gets a pass?". Not because you are actually doing anything wrong, most of the questions are standard for Harry at any point in the game, but you get to forget everything and keep your job. You get to have drugs and keep your standing. You get to be violent and brilliant and no one doubts you for a second. He gets away with wearing heels and blatantly faggy old fashioned clothes. He gets to cry and show the worst parts of himself. He gets to protect you without losing anything.

Harry is everything Kim can't be, because he is a white cop.

But that's not what changes things, in the end. It's that this guy who literally is everything a good detective is and also everything awful a detective is, takes one look at you and sees you on the other side of the moat and he doesn't even build a bridge: He plunges headfirst into the moat and makes friends with the krakens and comes out soaked and dying on the other side and he smiles and asks for your opinion, Kim, you always know what to say

He doesn't know you and he's the first person that doesn't assume the worst. And you know he's putting you on a pedestal, and that you need to make sure he understands that's not good for him, but it does feel a little good to have all the things you do be acknowledged without friction.

And he makes stupid jokes and when you joke back he laughs and doesn't think less of you. And he likes art, which you will never let yourself understand, and he likes children because he doesn't have a history of 15 years trying to get kids to have a better life and them dying by the dozens, and he's everything you hate because he's everything you wish you could be.

And then he finds a miracle, and he tells the miracle about you, and you take a picture and it's not a dream. You thought, it must be the amnesia, he will remember and life will go on with the realities that you know to be true. But the picture is still there: Tangible proof that not everything you think immutable is a sure fact of reality.

Unbeknownst to you, in one of these universes he spares you from a nuclear bomb that he launches himself. If you get shot, he will hear you on the radio when he needs you the most. You are not the only one that has been changed from this.

Pre-amnesia Harry and Kim could have never found this tentative kindness because Harry was bogged down by all the things he had done and Kim was buried in things he couldn't do. But whatever happened to Harry, it opened a door in a huge web of universes, just by saying "It doesn't have to be like this". No matter where they go from the ending of the game, that is a thing you cannot un-know.

#disco elysium #long post #binomechanisms

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hejscandinavia · 7 months ago

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For the past week, I did a few sightseeing but it was mostly getting homework done and hanging out with classmates. On Saturday and Sunday, I was pretty lazy to say the least. I wanted to rest up and do homework for class. Also Laundry. But Sunday I went to the Rosenborg Castle! It was pretty interesting but very small. They had various rooms for the different monarchs. The thrones were interesting because they had narwhal tusk on the outside from Greenland. I then hopped over to the Natural History Museum. It was also interesting, particularly the Wildlife Photography gallery. I think I’ve come to prefer the Mueseum that are more immersive. When everything is in a glass box, it really takes out the wonder.

On Monday, our teachers daughter was sick so we didn’t have class. However, we all met at class time to work our class paper. It was pretty simple: write about an Arctic plant, a bird, and a mammal. Natasha did Moss Campion (which most other groups did), Cielo did the Little Auk (also very popular), and I did the Walrus. Literally every group chose the Moss Campion, the Little Auk, and the Reindeer. Probably because we saw them so much but still. Only so much you can learn about two species. After that, a group of us, Lulu, Isabelle, Ave, Michella, I went to an area where a bunch of homemade gifts are made. If you know me, I love vintage and heritage themed objects. These were more modern so I wasn’t too interested but it was still fun to look around! I then took a bike down to the little mermaid statue! It was very pretty but lots of people were there. I really love how the city is so flat and e bikes make you slide down the streets.

On Tuesday, we went to the Natural History Museum. Well there are two and Alex and I went to the wrong one so we were about ten minutes late. This facility is actually apart of Copenhagen University and it’s their natural history archives. We went into the back to see the Arctic animals. IT WAS SO COOOLLLL!!! There were so many animals, many from Africa because of Danish man donated a bunch from his hunts in the late 19th century. We took close looks at a walrus and many polar bears. They have hundreds of polar bear skulls actually because they made an agreement with the Indigenous popular in Greenland that for their polar quota, they donate heads so scientists can research them and compare the skulls from the past. They also had several whale skeletons. HOLY CRAP! Whales just keep astonishing me about how big they are. Just the mouth is terrifying. They would spit me out, but it’s still scary. After class, I went with Cielo, Alex, Mirren, and Abby to climb the spiral tower at Our Savior’s Church! They said it’s around 400 steps. It’s really not that bad, espically when you break it up in parts. It’s a cool view! The spiral is just so iconic. If I remember, it’s featured in Journey to the Center of the Earth which is why I got so excited to see it. The inside of the cathedral is also STUNNING! Ah the pulpit, the organ, to the statue of Jesus and the angels. I then went to BaseCamp south to work on the paper. Some of the classmates, Cielo, Mirren, Isabelle, Isabelle’s roommate, Alex, Ava, and Lulu went to Kayak Bar. We got a pint of elderflower spritz and I got a charcuterie board with meats, beets, and pickled veggies. Very yummy. We were going kayak but most people were cold. Then we went to Borden to get more food but everything closed by the time we got there. We met up with Abby and Caitlin though and some got food. Afterward, Ava, Isabella, Isabelle’s roommate, Lulu, and Cielo, and I went to a lovely Belgian waffle gelato place. I ordered a Belgian waffle with caramel ice cream and hazelnuts with hot fudge. However, the cashier heard me wrong so I got hazelnut ICECREAM too. It was still very good with the hot waffles and ice cold cream.

On Wednesday, we had a class on climate and the Arctic and the Little Auk. Afterward, I worked on my presentation for the class. Later, I met up with Cielo and Alex to go to a drag show. I have never been to a drag show before so I was so excited! It was also the same with Cielo. However, we learned that it was canceled! However, we were already out so we popped over to an Irish bar to get drinks. Alex had a friend come over too. She was nice and apparently was staying in Europe all of August as well! This was because she had a family event in Ireland. I got a Carlsberg and some pineapple soda drink with whipped cream on top. It was very funny.

Our last class day was Thursday which was sad. We did our presentations, mainly learning about reindeer, the little auk, and the moss campion which was funny. Afterward, we as a class went to a greek buffet restaurant. MAN was it good. Man all the food is good here. I had to get a little bit of everything. Even Rasmus showed up for a final goodbye! Then, we all gave hugs to each other. However, some of us didn’t want to say goodbye just yet. So Lulu, Isabelle, Cielo, Alex, and I went to a fancy cake and tea place! It was pricey so we drank as much of that tea as we could. We then had different cakes. ALSO DIVINE! I had a fruity jam cake. Sadly, Alex had to check up his mom who was visiting so we said goodbye to him. We then went to several thrift stores. I finally bought something clothes related. I got a white sweater, 90’s khaki shorts, and a black vest. After that, we went to this green restaurant near Nyhavn. It’s right by the canal. We wanted to get some food with Isabelle’s two friends. I got a white wine with calamari. Lulu and Cielo were funny and got two “sides.” Never have a seen such a small plate of green beans and salad. Even the larger pasta dinners were small. After that, I said my final goodbyes to my classmates.

Though I wasn’t as emotional at the time, it’s still rough. You spend three weeks with the same people, having laughs, deep conversations, sharing stories, and then you have to say goodbye. At other excursions, I usually see them again at school. Besides Ava, Abby, and Lulu, everyone else is all across North America. I don’t know if I will see them again, but hopefully our paths will cross again. Svalbard 20 year reunion? Alex is already considering being a guide there so if that follows through, we already have a place to stay and a guide!

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twistednuns · 8 months ago

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May 2024

Spending the first day of the month completely alone. At home. Working on little projects. Labeling all the boxes in the basement. Hanging art. Building a wooden frame for my new kitchen shelves. Tiling my bookcase.

Guessing correctly why I suddenly got a tummy ache. Doing exactly the right thing to make it go away (coffee and meds on an empty stomach are never a good idea).

Mentally apologizing to my body for only really moving it once a week during yoga class.

Recreating my grandma's potato goulash. Eating it with sour cream.

Buying a stool on sale that might or might not look like a little sheep.

Strawberry milkshake on a stressful day. It literally cooled me down.

Getting to know the lady who lives in the cool and airy apartment across the street.

Caught in the act: a little birdy landing on my sheepskin, ripping out a big fur ball for its nest.

Prioritizing alone time. Saying no to social obligations.

Long naps. Sleeping with the windows open, a nasal dilutor and mouth tape. Such a difference. Sometimes I even put a teeth whitening strip in and I want to start experimenting with self-hypnosis tracks.

Unearthing one of my old favourites: Dallmayr Ginger Ginseng green tea.

Sorting out my jewellery just to find a few pieces I really wanted to wear again!

Going to Gregor von Raffay's (Kathi's dad) vernissage. Falling in love with his painting Am Meeresgrund. Having a good time with Chili, Kathi and their kids Luis and Maya.

Rolling down the car windows. Singing along loudly to Soak Up the Sun by Sheryl Crow. My summer jam 2024. Also, I was surprised when I saw what a detailed Wikipedia article this song has.

Coconut porridge and fresh peaches (what a divine smell) for breakfast. Eating outside on the balcony.

Self-massage and gua sha with Aesop Breathless oil - a subtle blood orange smell.

The sudden urge to listen to Unison again. And again. Masterpiece.

Making a playlist of podcast episodes that left an impression.

Watching movies from the late 80s/90s/early 00s I haven't seen yet. I need more feel-good cinema in my life.

Singing at church with my choir. Emotional... such dense energy in there, every time.

Buying spices, bread and Greek antipasti at the market. I wonder why it's so rare for me to go shopping there. I always enjoy it tremendously. But it's probably because I've always thought that it's too expensive. I might have to put market days in my calendar! Hope that helps.

The golden chain tree has started to bloom in yellow cascades in our garden!

A spontaneous decision to join some friends at the drag flea market at Pathos. Exactly the right kind of people I needed that day. Julia, Daniel, Patricia and Katharina. I bought two wigs and a sassy Queen of Hearts costume. Then we sat outside an Italian restaurant until it got cold. Quite entertaining and the right amount of socializing.

My first time in a Float tank.

Finding Isabel Allende's Eva Luna in a box of free books after the thunderstorm.

Making banana ice-cream as a midnight snack.

An improv theatre workshop. So many good ideas and such fun! I even got a day off for it! (and one of the participants who noticed that I was having a tough time and offered me her yoghurt; we really vibed in the word association exercise, too)

Not an exclusively good thing because it came with a lot of fear, an activated abandonment wound and some emotional damage (I spent my lunch break locked in the handicapped toilet trying to calm down my tense body, not knowing how to properly release my emotions, crying big teardrops on the tile floor): three tough but cathartic conversations with C. Deciding that we would stay together. And that lovely moment in the morning when I felt my affection for him coming back.

Sneaking into yoga class. Listening to my body. So glad I went.

Being a member of the little team that is going to suggest new outfits for our gospel choir. Using Miranda Priestley as our group icon. / Also: everyone's joy when Beate got a phone call from Sarah telling her that her son was born a few hours before!

Baffled parents asking me how I manage their kids - and I'm the only teacher who can. Apparently I'm doing something right.

Single use changing mats. Best idea ever. So liberating. I hate wet spots.

The first rays of sunshine in the morning after a few horribly rainy days. Hoping for a chance to dry everything wet on the balcony.

Running into Uschi and Andrea. Dealing with their gossip with a new, detached energy.

Adding a few lemon slices to my tap water. Using my Retap bottle with the wooden lid for the first time in years.

A lengthy journalling session with lots of insights.

Flight mode for more peace of mind.

My strelitzia producing a huge new leaf. The baby is bigger than all the old ones.

Meeting some members of the Burn Family at Stroke Art fair. Good conversations with Sandra, Yeli and Kathi. Discovering a few inspiring artists.

Cinema and dinner with LenObi. It's been a while.

The moon appearing as a faint but full disc with a thin crescent in the lower right corner.

Eggplant burgers.

Visiting Ramapriya's yoga studio for the first time. I don't know what took me so long. We reconnected immediately and now I'm thinking about doing a Yoga Vidya teacher training. I learned so much in that one class. Her pelvic floor asanas and explanations were fantastic. Afterwards we talked about HSP, Human Design (she’s a fellow member of the ManGen club), her daughter, and she showed me a mantra to remove obstacles / gain energy, inspiration and joy. I left after more than two hours. C. called me and told me about a crazy dream featuring an erupting volcano.

Buying a FeetUp as a birthday gift to myself to practice handstands and improve my balance and core strength.

Hanging laburnum branches above C.'s kitchen table.

A walk through the forest/Filzen with C. Picking a bouquet of wildflowers. And “old people sex” which is what we called lying in bed attached to the same EMS machine, having a good conversation. Jumping on the trampoline together. Receiving little caresses and holding hands while watching TV. An intimate high pressure massage. Telling our dreams to each other in the morning. Making travel plans. Turning it around.

When the podcast is about to end right when you arrive at home.

Talking to Annika about portals.

Body doubling. Grading English tests while C. was assembling his new standing table. I love working side by side. Or even just somebody being present - it's some sort of control mechanism, I feel supported. I did that for C. when I just sat with him while he sorted out his storage space. And I think it really helped him, too.

Reading the lyrics of Die Interimsliebenden by Einstürzende Neubauten with C. In ihrem gemeinsamen Mund lebt ein Kolibri. Mit jedem seiner Flügelschläge, dafür das Auge viel zu träge, Kulturen erblühen und vergehen; ganze Kontinente untergehen.

Getting to know Elena, who works with Somatic Experiencing and Craniosacral Method. We got to know each other and I drew two pictures of my body. How it currently feels and what I want it to feel like. Interesting insights.

Waking up in a weird but calm energy on my birthday. Drawing the receptivity card. Attending a workshop on Deep Listening at the Art Academy. We meditated and played with sounds, even synthesizers. While some of it was too much for me (I could hear the electric current and most of the synthesizer sounds felt threatening) I enjoyed the concept and exercises. The other participants were all art teachers too. I felt resistance around one of them, Bastien, but we started talking over lunch. It got interesting really quickly and we spent two more hours in the English Garden after the workshop. B. told me his story. How he received healing. Experiences he's made. It was batshit crazy but I think I believe him. Was that the story I needed to receive that day? / Then I had tacos with Ben and we got along famously. I told him how much I like him when he's sober. I rented a karaoke box for two hours and sang with lots of friends - even Manu came which delighted me more than I would have expected.

Another relational abyss. Melodramatic scenes, right out of a movie. Turning around one of the saddest days of the year by truly talking and listening to each other. Seeing the wounded inner child in my partner. Being there for him. A commitment to doing the work. Growth.

Thoughtful birthday presents. A pillow for my uncomfortable car, a beautiful wok with wooden handles, homemade liquor and roasted pistachios. A video note from Christian and Lian.

Joking with C. and L. Easy, relaxed, appreciative. Developing C.’s idea for his outside platform. A relaxed morning with a kiss goodbye.

Lucie blessing me by singing the Om Tryambakam mantra for my birthday.

Shower Citrus! Eating a citrus fruit in the shower. My theory: the warm steam enhances the smell of the essential oil in the peel. It smells divine! What an experience.

A lavish breakfast. The spontaneous decision to go on a roadtrip. So we just packed the car and went our way. First we visited C.'s friend Maxi. She's one of those people with whom you immediately feel comfortable with. Her home was lovely. I also want a garden, chickens, a yoga platform. We slept in a caravan, talked about Merlin Sheldrake, had green pancakes and herbs, vegetable cake, smelled her entire DoTerra essential oil collection (Cassium, Madagascar Vanilla and Grapefruit are my favorites). I adored her daughter’s hairstyle (two chopsticks in a bun) and felt very cheerful one morning when I came into the house and an old Cat Power album was playing. / Then we visited her mum and tested all her esoteric devices and appliances. Moved on, had to change plans because C. forgot his backpack. Stopped at a strawberry field. Met Maxi and Juna at a lake, went swimming. I was reminded of how much I love that kind of movement. Water really is my element. We slept at a campsite in Aue. Not my scene at all. But the next day, we went to a thermal bath and sauna. Another happy place. Then we stayed with Franzi in Leipzig. I adored her apartment and we had a long conversation on her balcony. We also visited Marie together the next day. I tried to convince her cat to like me - no such luck. And I also ran into Jonathan that afternoon who was in town to visit his brother. What a strange coincidence. We went vintage shopping - I bought stained glass (and really want to learn how to work with it myself), C. bought an iridescent fake python jacket and a postcard for his son. We checked into a hotel. Received another lesson on personal boundaries. Went for a swim and a sauna session. Had ramen noodles. After a big breakfast (with fresh nut butter, delicious) we went to Jena and spent Ralf's lunch break in the botanical garden with him. We had a lovely time and spent the rest of the day in the planetarium for a 360° full dome movie festival and a concert. I took breaks for a Thai massage and fantastic Indian food. What a great trip.

Chris Wormell’s incredible illustrations, escpecially his astronomical woodcuts.

The tiniest mushrooms starting to grow in my champignon kit.

Making strawberry Raffaello cake for the Filzhof pizza party. Getting to know some of C.'s neighbours better. Playing with the dogs.

Watching the first season of House of the Dragon together. I'm a Rhaenys fangirl now.

White Matcha chocolate. And the best snack: pecans, freeze dried strawberries and spelt flakes.

Going to the garden center with C.! I loved picking out plants for the empty corner in his garden.

Alone time. Feels so nice after spending a long time surrounded by people.

Finishing the sunrise decor on my kitchen cabinets. They turned out really lovely.

Re-folding all my clothes. Sorting them by type and colour.

Eating buckwheat for lunch and dinner.

A phone call with Ludwig. Learning about my crippling insecurity and the underlying fear. Paradoxically, insecurity is my safe space because it means inaction. I don't have to make a decision - which would come with the possibility of making a mistake. / The Lesson pt.II - I clicked on a random video to keep me company while eating cornflakes. It was, of course, on safety as THE basic human need. In my face.

Harvesting the first two tiny cucumbers on my balcony. The bush in front of my window in full bloom - thousands of tiny white blossoms.

Making myself a cup of herbal tea instead of aimless snacking, trying to meet an emotional need. It worked.

Activities with Lian: decorating pudding, folding origami Pokémon, playfights.

Finally grading the artworks from the final exam. Procrastination alarm.

Drawing my body now and in its desired state with Elena. Doing boundary exercises. Meeting my inner protector: a big fuzzy bear. Which made me think of Luki who like running around in dark brown sheep skin and radiates a very stable, secure energy.

Reaching a relative state of everything is as it should be in my apartment with hardly any loose threads.

A visit from Luna and her friend Jannik. Deep talk, hanging out in my bed.

The golden morning sun. The long days around summer solstice.

#personal #present perfect #things i love #may 2024 #may #2024

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