#in his home life he has an emotionally detached mother who is well liked but kind of floats through interactions on a surface level

[biblicalhorror]

Aroace Riz real but also Fabian is SO clearly in love with him and Riz has no idea

[aphrostarot]

Astrology and the Sexes: Cancer Men

Cancer Man:

Title: "The Player"

For simplicity's sake, I will use the pronouns “he/him” for the male versions of the signs and “she/her” for the female versions of the signs. This is not to say that the people who identify with the male or female versions of each sign identify with those pronouns. This post is focusing on the different sexes (male vs female) not gender. Gender is fluid and I am in no way labeling people with these posts. Also, these posts are focusing solely on the Sun signs of each zodiac, other birth chart placements may cause someone to not fit into everything I have described.

Masterlist

Mind (how they think):

The Cancer Man is the zodiac’s prince charming. 

He is a self-professed perfect gentleman who is clean-cut, polite, coolly composed, and seemingly tailor-made to the specifications of a traditionally-minded person.

The Cancer Man is the embodiment of the female gaze.  

He personifies the male role in what he sees as a matriarchal world. He recognizes women as the authority. 

Out of all the zodiac signs, he is the most likely to save himself for marriage. 

He plays the role of the savior in his relationships. 

He wants to be the ‘provider’ in his relationships which tends to make him career-minded. 

He is the best at understanding the female mind. 

He has a unique ability to empathize with women and view life from their perspective. 

He is generally a pretty cool and collected character so he looks to the women in his life to provide outpourings of emotions and when they do, he sucks it up like a sponge. 

He surrounds himself with women because he feels the most comfortable around them. It is women with whom he takes most of his life advice.

He is very guarded around men. 

He is scared of being judged by other men so he learns at an early age to wear a mask around men. He masks his thoughts and disguises his emotions in an attempt to go along with the guys. 

During his sexual development, he is intensely apprehensive of being ridiculed for his inherently sensitive side. As a result, he ends up becoming the most shut down instead of the most sensitive in the zodiac. 

He is a born romantic. However, he may be well into his twenties before breaking through his adopted nonchalant exterior, letting his softer side show. 

It isn’t until he “secures” a steady relationship that he will feel comfortable revealing his more delicate sensibilities. 

Like actual crabs who can live on both land and water, the Cancer guy inhabits two worlds at once, presenting himself as a concrete, down-to-earth type while possessing a murky and mysterious sensuality. 

He was brought up in a household with a paradoxical image of mothering. His mom was vaguely emotional but incredibly passive and needy. She portrayed herself as a victim most of the time which takes the entire household emotionally hostage. 

Most of the time he is raised in a female-dominated household where he takes on the motherly role to his siblings and even to his own mother. 

He has more of a brotherly relationship with his dad who he views as lovable but weak. 

His dad could even be missing altogether, or be so detached that he makes little impact on his son. 

Body + Soul (what they look like inside and out):

He prefers to look like he is rich even when he is not. So, he almost always has the perfect watch, a classy car, a tasteful wardrobe, etc. 

He tends to look more like a Mr. Nice Guy more than any other male in the zodiac.

He is the type of guy that someone would feel comfortable bringing home to their mother. 

He tends to downplay his appearance and will oftentimes escape notice. 

He usually will hide behind an overgrown haircut, glasses, and/or inconspicuous clothing. 

When he is with his friends he will huddle in close circles, typically only addressing those within earshot. He may even prefer to have his back to the crowd so people won’t notice him. 

Usually he will be around five-nine or five-ten. 

His face is moon-shaped, or oval. 

His chest and stomach are not very toned, more on the soft side. 

His nipples are highly sensitive. They may be a source of great pleasure for him. 

He may have an hourglass figure in some way. 

He is usually less hairy than the other men in his family. However, his stomach will be the area on his body that has the most hair. 

He has an average sized penis. 

His penis may bend/curve slightly with a bulbous mushroom head. 

He is very animated while talking to people. He will nod along, throw his head back, talk with his hands, etc. 

He is very quick-witted. 

There is something goofy about him and the way he expresses himself that many find endearing. 

He usually has lighter eyes than the other members of his family. For example he may have hazel eyes while everyone else in his family has brown eyes, or he may have pale blue eyes while others have deep blue. 

He has a somewhat beaky nose and a pinched upper lip. 

Cancer man much like an Aries man likes to focus much of his grooming efforts on having freshly cut hair. 

He has very nice hands. Strong but gentle, artistic, graceful, and capable. 

Overall, his appearance is one of utter sweetness. 

Sex + Sexuality (what they are like in bed and what they look for in a mate):

Cancer Man Interested in Women:

He is made whole by the flood of feelings he invokes in his lover, not pure romantic love or lust, but such sentiment combined with a sense of mothering protection and, and dash, of pity. 

He looks for a motherly figure in a lover—someone who will take care of him and lead him to his true potential. 

He looks to attract a powerful alpha woman, one who he can breed with and who will provide a nourishing, motivational environment where he can feel psychologically whole. 

This is where many stereotypes get it wrong. In no way is the Cancer Man looking for a coddling mommy to make his life easier; rather he seeks a home environment that’ll challenge him into accessing latent greatness, and with a woman who’ll put him through his paces. 

He wants to be “adopted” by his partner's family. Preferably a family filled with powerful women. 

He wants a wife or partner that will do everything for him. He wants a life where he will show up and just do what he is told. 

He prefers to never have to cook, clean, or plan anything. He wants his partner to do it all for him. 

He wants to be the breadwinner in his partnerships. Typically he will go after creative careers that allow him to tap into his sensitive side and communicate with a large array of people. He would prefer his career having to do with his humor. 

However, if his partner is the breadwinner in their relationship he will take on the role of the stay at home husband and take over all of the duties I mentioned above. 

To the Cancer man there is no such thing as sharing these roles. One person has to be the breadwinner and the other will take on the more domestic roles. 

His partner will become his mentor shaping his character, providing the appropriate all-important healthy and motivating environment in which he can grow and achieve his goals; so long, that is , as he puts himself, completely, into her capable hands. 

In most of his relationships his partner will become the ‘boss’ while he is her ‘slave’. 

He will play prince-charming in order to get exactly what he wants out of a woman. Which usually is offspring. 

He grooms himself according to what he thinks women like. 

He makes women feel secure. He wants her to feel as though he will be eternally by her side, because once he decides on a partner he will never leave their side. 

Women often find themselves opening up much more than they ever would have around a cancer man. However, if they really look they will notice that he is only half listening to them, he will just be pretending he is listening because he knows that's what a woman wants. 

He is very good at making a woman feel that she is endlessly interesting, which works like a charm in paving the way for the relationship to progress-quickly-to the next level. 

He is not very dominant in bed. This is because he would much rather be told what to do rather than be the one who is doing the telling. 

At some point he will leave behind his ‘grateful-little-boy routine’ and embrace the role of ‘big daddy’ (his actual dream).

His biggest turn on is the assertion of female power. 

Pressure to perform makes him nervous, and he risks losing his erection or cumming too soon if he is in a more dominant role. 

He needs to have emotions involved in sex in order to get off. 

He loves to kiss, hug, spoon, etc. 

He wants his partner to be on top so he can watch her get off on him while simultaneously barking orders at him. 

He may have urolagnia (urine kink) because Cancer rules pee. 

He is not opposed to anal sex but if his partner does not want it he will not mention it again. 

He dreams of being a woman's slave in sex.

However most Cancer men do not explore their kinkier side because they fear they may lose their partner if they do so. 

They have a breeding kink and wish to impregnate their partner. 

Cancer men tend to marry pretty early and have very few sexual partners in their life. 

He is not opposed to period sex.

He also will want to have sex constantly when his partner is pregnant. 

He likes morning sex and sleep sex. 

Once his partner gives birth his new obsession will be her breast milk.

There is very little a woman can do to turn the Cancer man off.

Cancer Man Interested in Men:

Cancer men who are interested in men may still be sexually aroused by women. Or simply the sight of a man fucking a woman with his main focus on the man rather than the woman. This is why he will typically reach for bi porn. 

In his lifetime at least one of his friendships with a woman may cross the line into sexual territory. 

He prefers to be friends with younger women who share his desire to land ‘Mr.Right’. 

He goes on many dates but will rarely go on second dates. Until he finds his ideal partner who is a ‘daddy’. They will be connected, cultured, and hopefully brimming with cash. 

He looks for a man who will provide him comfort, security, and the means by which he’ll be able to concentrate solely on his creative or intellectual pursuit without having to concern himself with a temp job.

He will usually want a separate room from the one he shares with his lover that will be filled with things that reflect his true self. This is because he may have grown up in an environment that required him to share with his siblings constantly and may have never had a space to himself.  

He’s often attracted to straight men. Or men who have been with women in the past. Or simply just ultra masculine men. 

He sees himself as the better-looking, more pleasingly put together, or generally youthfully spirited one between him and his partner. 

This attitude comes out in sex as well. He would prefer his partner to do all the work while he is the subject of their adoration. 

He is pretty much into anything when it comes to sex. However, he will typically draw the line at anything to do with pain. 

He loves love and all things that come with romance. He is once for tender romance, loving scented candles, champagne, and taking bubble baths together. 

He wants to be of service to his partner. Preferring to get his partner off rather than himself. 

He is one of the most romantic gay men of all the zodiac.

[alastors-oc-sthuff]

Pietra - Overwatch Wiki

Italy’s former hero, Pietra will stop at nothing to make sure Omnics burn in their own oil. Even if it takes away his life. But dare not touch his home, his loved one, less you want him as your enemy. - Official Description

“I’d let myself burn if it meant saving them…”

Real Name: Massimo Caputo

Age: 30

Birthday: October 21st

Nationality: 🇮🇹 Italian

Occupations:

Massimo: Singer, Performer

Piera: National Protector, Military Aid

Base:

Former: (Rome, Italy) Base Di Difesa Italiana, (Bengaluru, India) Vishkar Corporation

Current: Watchpoint: Gibraltar, Atlantic Archology

Affiliations:

Former: Vishkar Corporation, Militare Italiano

Current: Overwatch Agent, Solo Protector

Relations: Marisa Mezzasalma (mother, unknown but believed to be deceased), Silvio Caputo (father, deceased), Niran Pruksamanee (boyfriend), Satya Vaswani (friend), Jean-Baptiste Augustine (close friend, doctor), Sofia Segreto (manager, boss)

Story

A masked and cold protector, Pietra’s determination and golden heart for his people and nation were the main factors that pushed the man to let go his life of luxury and take on a life full of pain, death, disappointments, broken hearts and suffering.

The once happy and cheerful singer turns into a cold-hearted and brutal protector when the horned mask is placed on his face, trying his hardest to leave that facade with his mask but finding it extremely complicated to separate the two, especially when it comes to his night terrors and difficult consequences attached to Pietra, but he’s lucky enough to have found people who care for him, willing to get close and remind the man that he’s not alone, that he has support and that it’s more than okay to detach to take care of one’s self.

Childhood

The son of one of the most intelligent engineers and inventors in Italy, his father’s cold-heart toward his ‘stupid son’ only increased as Massimo took a major dislike to any sort of mathematical subject and love for any sort of artistic and creative subject when he was a young kid; his father’s hope was that he’d grow out of it when he became older, but it never came true. Because of this, Massimo’s father began to disregard him, emotionally abusing him to the point of making the young boy feel stupid, even though he really wasn’t; having given up on his son, Massimo’s father refused to communicate in any sort of manner with his son, forcing him to come to Vishkar with him, never telling him what happened to his mother as well as not accepting his sexuality and using it against Massimo as another means of isolation from him.

For Massimo’s entire childhood, the man remembers one thing about his mother; her screams of pain and his father’s incomprehensible insults to her, a bruise to her eye and a single letter the following morning with the simple words ‘I’m sorry, amore. Love, mamma.’ Massimo’s mother is rarely talked of as the Italian man doesn’t like to bring her up, his only memory of her being that day.

Vishkar Corporation

In his early teens at the time (early13M), Massimo was forced to follow his father to Vishkar once Silvio was offered a high-earning position, caring less to ask for his son’s opinion, as for everything else.

Quickly, Massimo hated the place… He hated the teachers, the students, how bland the building looked, how distant and uncaring everyone was, especially how much he was undermined and casted out; because of his fame and reputation, students and teachers alike rendered him an outcast rather quickly as they deemed him a snob and arrogant alongside ‘not as smart as them’, which only added to Massimo’s dislike to mathematical subjects. Safe for one student, a year older than him but in a couple of the same classes; Niran Pruksamanee (early14M - late14N).

The Thai student always had been a fan of Massimo’s music and image, taking the opportunity to meet with him when the singer organised a music club, hoping to gain some interest from his peers, but to avail, safe for Niran who was the only student who attended said club before it was permanently shut down by school staff.

Within their mid-teens (late15M - early16N), Massimo and Niran understood that they both held romantic feelings for one another, beginning to date in secret when confessing to each other; the only one who knew about their relationship was Niran’s roommate Satya Vaswani, who was quick to realise Niran’s attention was caught somewhere else when he seemed more concerned about his messages than his work, among many other things that Niran was rather careless to hide and forget them about his desk and bed. The two lover’s feelings for one another grew intensely rather quickly (mid16M - late17N), so much so that both of them agreed that Massimo could announce to his fans that he is taken, but still keep Niran identity a secret.

Meanwhile, while Massimo opened up a new chapter in his life and finished his studies before than all his peers independently and separately from Vishkar (late16M), Silvio had created a bionic arm that could transform into a huge mech, the first of its kind, creating this machine to pass down to a man which would use said machine to protect Italy as Omnic attacks were on the rise again, but Massimo managed to see that the older man, who was in his early 20’s, cared nothing about the responsibility it took and only flaunted the possession of the machine, ignoring the trainings and preparations and lying to Silvio as well as Vishkar’s higher ups; Massimo understood that the man would do nothing to change and that Italy would fall into ruins at the hands of this man.

Deciding to amputate his own left arm (early17M - late17N), much to Niran’s major distress, Massimo managed to secure the machine and began to train with Vishkar, deciding to flee Vishkar in his late teens (late17M - early18N), despite the heartbreak that it caused the couple; saying their final goodbyes and giving their last kiss, Massimo finally departed with a heavy heart and tear filled eyes, having done what he could to keep his love with him, but to no avail.

It wounded both men deeply, but it wounded Satya as well, who Massimo gave no proper goodbye to as he didn’t want to cause anymore distress to his good friend who already had her plate full with other, more important worries; he wished he’d never done that, wishing that he gave his good friend a proper, heartfelt goodbye.

Italy’s Omnic War & Overwatch (New Blood)

With the new-found identity of Pietra, Massimo fought long and hard to save Italy and its people from the omnics, losing the mechanical arm just two years into the war which led to a self-amputation as the wound was too big to let heal; as quickly as he could have, Massimo returned to Vishkar Corporations, much to the Italian Military’s warnings and denies, searching for his father in hopes of stealing another arm and fleeing again, managing in his mission rather quickly and easier than he thought, finding the perfect fit to replace his fully lost left arm alongside half of his shoulder, dismantling the arm’s tracker and alarm and fleeing back to Italy.

This theft didn’t go unnoticed by Vishkar, who were quick to send out their best forces to hunt down Pietra; quickly enough, Italy’s borders were closed to any sort of Vishkar activity or employee in order to protect Pietra to allow him to keep doing his duty without any further worries, to which they succeeded in as Vishkar quickly gave up on the search, ordering Silvio to create another one, only for the man to suffer a stroke in his sleep and pass away.

With the war over after seven years, Massimo kept up his Pietra facade to still protect Italy from any sort of other threats, specifically to recurring omnics and Talon activity, to which Italy’s people were more than grateful for, keeping up his double life for other six years, until finally letting his mask sit for longer then he wore it as he was sure Italy was rid of all omnic and Talon activity.

Just after three moths, Pietra was visited by Cassidy on his day off, who was in search of new recruits for Overwatch’s recall; after a rather intense battle and concussion, Cassidy transported Pietra with himself along his way back to Watchpoint: Gibraltar, where Pietra met one of the medics by the name of Baptiste. Much to Massimo’s displeasure, Baptiste met him without his mask and knowing his true identity, attempting to keep this happening a secret by threatening the medic, unsuccessfully. Instead of successfully pushing the medic away and keeping him at a safe distance, Baptiste managed to get the man to open up, especially once Massimo began to wear his mask less and less in their shared quarters as well as dropping his facade, being more himself, to which Baptiste majorly appreciated.

Surely enough, once Massimo had opened up and began to share his struggles with his roommate, the two men grew close rather quickly, trusting one another with their past and present worries and problems, yet always reminding themselves that their primary relationship is doctor-patient in hopes to not let themselves get too attached to one another.

To this day, their relationship is still close, with the medic throwing in the occasional flirting, both of them knowing that it’s mere teasing between close friends.

Atlantic Archology

Coming when the chapter is out! Stay tuned!

Heroes Ascendant

Coming when the chapter is out! Stay tuned!

Trivia

- Massimo’s name ‘Pietra’ was chosen by himself as he believed it would represent what kind of protector he wanted to be for Italy; firm, cold, strong and always there as someone to lean on when needed

- In his opening quote ‘I’d let myself burn if it meant saving them’, its unclear who he is specifically referring to

- Massimo writes his own songs and creates concepts for the music composition, passing it onto Sofia for approval; the music composition is executed by one of the top bands in Italy, which were extremely excited to work with someone as famous and talented as Massimo

- Massimo wrote music dedicated to Niran, but he never published it nor showed it to Niran, as he was too embarrassed to do so, even though he knew his boyfriend would appreciate it

- Massimo has called Niran ‘Niran’ when they first met, then began to call him ‘Bua’ once they got close, finally calling him ‘amore’ or ‘tesoro mio’ in private when dating, still sticking to ‘Bua’ when they were in public; Niran always called Massimo ‘Max’, then began to call him ‘khon dii’ or ‘tii rak’ in private when dating, sticking to ‘Max’ when they were in public

- Massimo was extremely fearful when meeting Satya as he was scared she would see him the same way the rest Vishkar scholars do; he was proven wrong and the two hit it off rather quickly

- Massimo kept Niran’s first biolight lotus he ever created, as Niran had given it to him as a gift for their first year anniversary, then integrating it into his new arm by pacing it into his shoulder and connecting wires to it, giving him a soothing and helpful healing pulse; Niran kept one of Massimo’s shirts, which the man had forgotten in Niran’s room when he left, sowing it to a medium-sized pink teddy bear Massimo had given him on their first year anniversary, then consistently sleeping with it at night or keeping it on his desk while he worked

- Neither Massimo nor Niran knew of each other’s whereabouts when they two separated, having no method of keeping contact as well as having very little time

- Their first kiss was with one another, during Massimo’s music club; neither of them mentioned it again before they began dating

- Massimo is gay, being openly so especially in his music

- Massimo is 1.83m/6ft, being said to be shorter than Cassidy, Baptiste and Niran but taller than Satya

- Massimo’s songs are very different genres; romantic, angst, rock, hard rock, pop, EDM

- Massimo’s music has its own app; the songs became so vast and numerous that Sofia chose to move the man’s music to a free app for all to install, as well as having accommodations for those who require them

- Sofia’s age is never specifically mentioned, but she is referred as ‘the older woman’, implying that she is, at minimum, 5-7 years older than Massimo

- The only ones who know of Massimo’s double life are Niran, Satya, Baptiste; Sofia knows as well, but she has never spoken on it to anybody, even to Massimo who suspects nothing

- Massimo has always worked solo, residing in the Base Di Difesa Italiana as a place to live as Pietra, never having sent out any other soldiers during the omnic war; Overwatch is the first time the man has worked in a team

- Massimo is always kind and friendly to his fans, even to paparazzi, to which Sofia disagrees with, but she knows the man is too kind to tell them off; whenever Massimo needs to tell the paparazzi off, he can’t help but feel guilty

- Massimo has always refused to have a bodyguard around him, even if he was strongly recommended it

- Sofia has always been Massimo’s manager and boss ever since the man began to get famous at a young age, wanting to work with Massimo instead of having Massimo work for him; she is the closest to a mother figure Massimo has in his life ever since his mother departed, having unintentionally called her ‘mà’, the shortened version of ‘mamma’, some times when he was younger

- Silvio has never been to one of Massimo’s concerts and refuses to listen to his music, preferring on having no radio or phone rather than listening to his son’s ’screechy and annoying voice’

- Sofia has never liked Silvio ever since they met, always doing everything she could to keep him away from Massimo, especially when he would come to her crying and sobbing about him

- Massimo would go with Niran during his travels, not caring those who saw them together and always being careful with PDA

- Massimo would use his wealth to buy things for Niran and Satya whenever they needed, passing them off as gifts as to not make the two feel guilty about ‘spending his money’

- Massimo was never really aware of the true extent of his wealth ever since he became 16, when Sofia agreed to show and explain the sum of his wealth to the boy as he became mature enough to understand the true and proper concept of money; even after this occurred, Massimo’s attitude toward his fortunes never changed, always using and asking for his money when he needed to buy something for himself or for others, but Sofia would sometimes give him her own money without him knowing

- It’s never really explained how much Massimo’s wealth truly runs, but it is known that his fortunes are ‘three thousand times more than the Pruksamanee family’, which can imply that Massimo could be a billionaire, or even more than that; it is shown that the man does buy extremely expensive things for the purpose of it serving those close to him and not only himself as the man is only selfish with his money when spending it for the basic expenses someone needs to live

- Even though Niran and Massimo dated when they were young, the two truly loved and cared for each other, finally understanding it one year in their relationship; the two never stopped loving one another, despite the fact that they were separated

- In game, Pietra and Lifeweaver have some matching skins; this is seen with their matching skin ‘Anubis & Anput’

- It is a known fact that Massimo knows a vast array of languages; it is known that he knows Italian, English, Thai, Spanish, French, Japanese, Chinese, Korean fluently, as well as working on leaning Russian, Haitian Creole, Dutch, German when he has his free time

Wow, it has been a while since I posted anything on here!

Just remembered that character Wiki pages are a thing and decided to make one of Pietra!

This is not fully finished; it will be updated as chapters get added and as we all get to know the character together!

Hopefully you enjoyed this, even if it was long!

Excited to see more about him? Stay tuned from more!

[alyjojo]

Past Life 🗿 Karmic Spread August 2023 - Scorpio

Gender I’m Picking Up On (in the past life): Male

Who You Were: King of Swords

What You Did: 3 Pentacles & Knight of Wands

How It Ended: Ace of Cups & 9 Cups rev

What Karma Was Brought With You: 2 Cups rev

Who You Brought With You: 7 Cups & 6 Swords

Additional energy: The Wheel of Fortune rev

Past Life Oracle: Father, Health, Communal Living

Dreaming Way: Sun, Scythe, Child

Charm:

Owl 🦉 on Queen of Swords rev

Star ⭐️ on Page of Cups

Grapes 🍇 on Child

Intuitive ♓️ on Knight of Wands

You show up as King of Swords in both lives, and there is a Knight of Wands in both lives. You had much older parents in the past, I don’t get any siblings or much family, nor any memories of a mother at all. She probably passed on when you were very young. Your father was “old for his age”, which I don’t get was super old, but he may have had lifelong health problems that increasingly got worse as he aged. You had to forge a path for yourself early on, and were pretty distanced from your father due to this illness or an inability to really care for you like you needed. Being King of Swords, you didn’t have help, and hardly any options, you looked at the world from an emotionally detached and logical point of view, never really allowing others into your heart, not very friendly, not very open to change either. You learned which way was “the right way” for you and lived by these standards for your entire life. You were very closed off, greedy, possessive, and only allowed others to come around you when they insisted, you were not a welcoming sort of person, and in fact made others feel like they’re nothing you, even when they’d try. You still have this self-sabotaging quality to you, and it holds you back from your 10 Cups.

You were gay, but that wasn’t accepted or even known. Knight of Wands in the past life was your lover, someone you worked with regularly, and deeply cared for. They were probably much younger than you, I get a mid/late 30s & teens level of age difference there. They brought the only fire and passion to your life that you’d ever known or would ever know. You didn’t live much longer after meeting them, a couple of years tops. Your death feels like organ damage due to alcohol, probably the liver, it’s something you were aware of, that got worse and worse over time until it finally took you - at home.

In this life, I don’t get gay as a defining factor, you could be idk, but your past lover has followed you as an enemy of sorts, someone that really likes to fk with you and compete, piss you off and drive you crazy. You could work with them. You could feel like as much as you can’t stand them, they also seem to read your mind or know exactly what gets under your skin. For them, it’s vengeance karma for all of the times you made them feel like you didn’t care, wouldn’t give them love, attention, affection, money, what they felt they needed from you in the past life. You had a way of making them feel unimportant to you. It could go even deeper with grooming and whatnot with the age, thus the karma, but it’s not mentioned specifically and I’m not touching that.

There is another ex here as well, and I don’t get them being from the past life, but more as the person that holds your karmic lesson in this one. Formerly a divine counterpart, they mirror your past partner’s energy of bitterness, disconnectedness, again you made this other person feel unimportant to you, not loved or valued, more like a bug under your shoe. You have withheld showing love with this person, Star on Page of Cups shows communication of loving emotions is at the top of your list for karmic lessons. If you don’t tell them you love them, your demeanor shows you can’t stand them. I don’t know how conscious that is to you. There is a child, I only see one, that’s separated from you as well. I don’t know if that’s due to you or this ex, and I don’t get tragedy, just emotional (possibly literal) distance between you and this child, just as you were with your father in the past. I get them being fruitful & responsible, making good decisions and generally making a decent life for themselves, just as you did.

You’ve brought several others in this life too, old acquaintances & friends from your past that you’ve left behind, either traveling and having put distance in between you, or because life happens and that’s taken you away from your childhood contacts. They’re all “home”, wherever that is for you, that feeling, some probably family, some friends, those deep connections that have always existed, you’ll intuitively know who is and who isn’t. You don’t talk to them though, same as the ex, you don’t tell them you miss them or think of them. You cross your arms and pretend not to care 😤 But you do, you have a lot of regrets and sadness that follow you around, and pride is your downfall in this life. 10 Cups is available to you, but The Hanged Man leaves it hanging in the balance…for as long as it takes for you to realize where you’re wrong in this scenario, and taking action to make things right. However that is, it’s vague about the details. The Child seems to be the key for you, the first one anyway, something about them changes you, or will, or could if you give them the chance they deserve. With them others will start trickling back too, family/friends. Even the ex but I don’t get directly, more through the child, you’ll be enlightened to things that change your perceptions regarding this person, and may even find them to inspire you later on. A “homecoming” seems to be in store for you, but who/what that involves is for you to know. The people that feel like home ❤️

[denimbex1986]

'Forty-something Adam ( Andrew Scott ) has become lonely. He spends his life in a flat in London, in an almost empty block of flats, where he tries to write a TV script based on his parents, who died in a car accident just before he turned 12.

The work is tiring. It will mostly be weed and bad TV. One evening, Harry ( Paul Mescal ) shows up at his door, with a fake booze in his fist. Harry has felt that Adam has been watching him. Should they maybe …, is Adam possibly …, is there any chance that the two of them … ?

Adam closes the door, with a smile that is both resigned and hopeful. Harry is significantly younger, apparently quite out and about, and besides: Adam is and will remain alone .

The next day, Adam takes the train to the streets of his childhood, looking for inspiration for the script work. Once there, he enters an advanced daydream: Mom ( Claire Foy ) and Dad ( Jamie Bell ) are in their old house, the age they were when he lost them (younger than he is now).

They will of course like to hear about how their boy has fared after he moved to big, scary London.

Author, you say? Something so great! They knew there was going to be something from him! What Adam struggles to tell them is that he is gay. He never made it then, and he doesn't dare now. He is afraid of what these 1980s people will think.

"Isn't it a very lonely life?", asks his mother when he returns a few days later, having gathered courage. The son tells her that fortunately "everything" is different in 2024, 30 years later.

He fails to add that - yes, he is very lonely. Has been that way all his adult life.

The combination of the "visits" to the childhood home, the conversations with parents and continued attention from the ongoing Harry (as well as, for that matter, a ketamine trip ), brings about a kind of spring break in Harry, both creatively and emotionally.

The man is coming out of the shell of grief he has so carefully built around himself. At the same time, he is put in a bind: How much should he allow himself to think about the unchanging past? Is he so obsessed with the theoretical thought exercises of the irrevocable that he is unable to live in the present?

"All Of Us Strangers" is first and foremost an insanely well -acted film. By Foy , as the mother who is afraid that her son's homosexuality was "her fault". Of the versatile Bell as the more understanding father. By Mescal, who has used the "Normal People" success in the best possible way: to choose good roles in interesting films .

Most of all, it is a showcase for Scott, who can often be seen in theater and TV ( among others as Terje Rød-Larsen ), but could benefit from more work in "proper" films.

Scott's ability to hold two or more thoughts in his head at the same time, and convey them to us via the most subtle facial expressions, is formidable. He is never one thing. Always a reliable, volatile combination.

With its magical realism, exemplary acting and sober aesthetic, "All Of Us Strangers" is a fancy romantic tearjerker for people who are actually above romantic tearjerkers. A "ghost story" for people who rise above ghost stories.

A perhaps rather elegant and delicious story about post-traumatic stress, detachment and the healing potential of love. With an ambiguous dispute at the end.

It is a film that I suspect is not quite as good as I currently imagine it to be. "All Of Us Strangers" is undeniably successful. It also has its sentimental, swarming weaknesses.'

[greighish]

Fifteen episodes of Addicted (Heroin) complete.

I had a lot of thoughts while watching.

Like the WTF spectrum of things. Gu Hai cutting Bai Luo Yin's jacket. Gu Hai slipping sleeping pills into Bai Luo Yin's water. Gu Hai being repeatedly physically aggressive with Bai Luo Yin. Gu Hai having a girlfriend but still pursuing Bai Luo Yin. Gu Hai having a loose grasp on consent and boundaries as practical concepts. Gu Hai's obsessive, possessive, and excessive behavior. Non-students just walking into schools, into classrooms. Actual students just walking into other classrooms at any given time. A student knowing the results of another student's medical exam. High school-aged people getting (or being allowed to get) plastered (don't care what the minimum drinking age might be, because high school). And the sheer hypocrisy of Jiang Yuan.

I had a lot of thoughts after watching.

A distant father who allowed an open bank account to parent in his stead, a never-heard-no life, and suspicions regarding a mother's death just floating in the atmosphere are not the makings of a well-rounded, emotionally stable, socially adjusted individual. Gu Hai was at a disadvantage. I thought he had the kind of emotional tunnel vision that tends to develop in people who don't want to be hurt or vulnerable again. The kind of single-minded self-preservation that has the potential to make casualties of anyone they cross paths with, even the people they hold dearest.

I thought Gu Hai genuinely cared for Bai Luo Yin, but I also thought that when his desperation to remain detached crashed into whatever it was about Bai Luo Yin that appealed to him, he broke, completely disconnected himself from all reason. A guy who could take or leave anything finding something/someone he felt that he could not live without. How does he cope?

I thought the title was perfect, because Gu Hai was like a functioning addict; still maintaining his day to day life, but gradually distancing himself further from social relationships, having the occasional public slip up, and just doing increasingly more desperate things to not only get a fix, but to try to make it so that the fix supply was never-ending.

I thought that Bai Luo Yin was also responsible for the situation they were in. No will always mean no. But when you know someone wants you the way Gu Hai wanted Bai Luo Yin and you don't feel the same or you can't even allow yourself to entertain the thought, you don't keep them around. Bai Luo Yin couldn't help seeing Gu Hai at school, but he wasn't afraid of Gu Hai, he wasn't a pushover, and it wasn't a blackmail situation. Gu Hai showed his true self from the beginning and, after a certain point, it was clear that Gu Hai was serious about his advances and had absolutely no plans of pulling back or changing his mind, so their interactions outside of school were mostly consensual--it's difficult to stop someone from showing up at your house, but it's up to you whether they are welcomed in or not.

I thought about what Bai Luo Yin was struggling against all that time. Because they were both men? The obligation he felt towards his father? I don't know.

He had every right to refuse Gu Hai's advances, but he knew they were going to happen, because Gu Hai was shameless (and not always in an endearing way) about what he wanted from Bai Luo Yin and hardly ever let what he considered an opportunity slip by. So why did he continue to allow Gu Hai to hang around, in his home, in his bed? Why did he go to Gu Hai's place? Why did he allow Gu Hai to continue to act on his sense of entitlement?

I thought that Bai Luo Hai was testing Gu Hai's sincerity. There are things that happen and you could benefit from them even if they weren't done specifically for you. You can still feel avenged or satisfied when someone that has wronged you has met with some horrible fate even if it wasn't a result of any actions you took or that were taken on your behalf. Was Gu Hai just a jackass all the way around? Would he flirt with, bother, or pursue anyone within arm's reach? Was he just some bored rich kid and I was his most recent target? Can I risk it only to find out that it was just a game to him? Or is this really all about how he feels about me?

Though after it was proven tenfold that Gu Hai was 100% all about Bai Luo Yin, he still could not bring himself to admit, in thought or words, how he felt about Gu Hai, only in deed. I thought that his refusals were not just for show, but that he truly could not settle in himself which he wanted to win out. He lived in a continuous state of cognitive dissonance.

I also thought that the way Gu Hai gushed about Bai Luo Yin's abilities and achievements was a sign that he really did see him and not just as a conquest. But despite his genuine affection for him, Gu Hai's displays of entitlement did not bode well for their future. Would he be able to chill the fuck out or would Bai Luo Yin's refusal to explicitly admit he also wanted Gu Hai continue to stoke Gu Hai's uneasiness and uncertainty? But what if Bai Luo Yin actually said, in words, that he wanted or even loved Gu Hai? Would that really settle Gu Hai's anxiety? What would it take for him to feel secure in their relationship?

Then I had some thoughts about the show as a whole.

What's with that ending? That can't be the end. Oh, the show was banned and the last few episodes never aired. I see. I thought it was a shame because even though the story was a clusterfuck of problematic behavior, I was invested and I was curious about how the story would redeem itself so that it would end with something that resembled a healthy or healthy-adjacent relationship.

Lo and behold: the novels (and a scant attempt at fan comic adaptation?)...

So I thought I'd pick up where the series ended (c 119), but I went back a few chapters instead (c 112, I think). I noted a few differences and then continued reading through to chapter 127. At which point I realized that the story will never redeem itself for me.

No, I did not forget about the kidnapping, but I know that while it definitely does not have to, there is a possibility that there will be that one event in a BL production that has the aftertaste of pre-2015 BL--before a greater part of the industry accepted that same-sex relationships do not have to center around sexual trauma. Most comic/manga/manhwa/manhua stories are about tragedy or the aftermath, so you can't really escape trauma, but BL... Though it has thankfully been suffering from ED over the last decade, BL still has something of a hard-on for sexual trauma. So, I'm well aware these things are a possibility going in, so I set my expectations accordingly. I don't let it slide, so much as I understand that this is the story being told and assess it within that context. And along with expectations, I also have limits. They are specific to story in question. Where it feels egregious and can only be considered abuse porn--abuse of the characters and abuse of the audience. Or it's gone past the point of redemption and there's no way that after all of this I could accept them still being together. Everything becomes a lie and I immediately detach from the story.

My enthusiasm waned drastically and I felt the first pull of detachment before the end of c 127.

How do you get past the guy that claimed he was your boyfriend and you didn't correct him sending two military dudes to stalk you and your ex-girlfriend and then the flunkies deciding that you should also get your ass beat? How do you get passed the guy who said that other than your dad no one would care for you more raping you in front of your ex-girlfriend and his two lackeys? You don't.

My brain is not so elastic that it can stretch that far. But I needed total detachment, so I skimmed though the next few chapters looking for their reconciliation, because I knew it would happen, and I knew I would be disgusted, and I was thoroughly so by the end of c 132.

So, if that is the story being told, I was no longer the target audience, so I excused myself.

I've watched two other series since then and one was so cute that it nearly cleansed my soul. But I'm not yet completely over Addicted. Not because I have lingering headcanons about a not so fucked up relationship and not because the show ended abruptly. I'm not over it because it's a shame that it was one of the few BL productions that I didn't have to excuse the bad/poor/unintentionally campy acting in order to fully enjoy it. They are so few and far between, so I'm disappointed that good acting was wasted on something I can no longer enjoy.

[givemewallywestorgivemedeath]

on the topic of wally's relationship with his parents! would you have preferred them to have included the abusive!Mary and Rudy background that's common in Wally comics, or do you like the way they have it where Wally's the "straightman" in comparison to his teammates, coming from a normal family with a healthy relationship? I personally prefer wally whump just bc of drama and also the depths it gives his insecurities, but I get why it might've been necessary to have one person on the team who's life wasn't traumatic or sad.

Hmm. Great question!

I think Wally as the straight man is important but I also think he would still be the straight man even with abusive parents.

I think one of the key aspects of Wally in the comics is that he never really considered his childhood tragic even with the abuse. He had this mindset that it was minor, that it was normal and that he deserved it.

He's all "Oh my Dad used to beat me when he found me playing with firecrackers but it's my bad because I shouldn't have been doing it in the first place!" and then he just kinda moves on without realizing how messed up that is. And when his mother in the comics berates him for little things and emotionally manipulates him he just shrugs and goes "oh well that's how moms are I guess"

He doesn't pick up on it until he's an adult and they start engaging in criminal activities.

But yeah, even though it's really messed up, Wally still has the most normal childhood out of all of them. He had the typical two parent home in the suburbs of Central City. Dick was raised in a circus, watched his parents die and then was raised by an emotionally detached billionaire. Kaldur grew up underwater, M'gann on Mars, Conner didn't have a childhood and Artemis was trained to be an assassin. I still think Wally would still very much be the straight man in comparison.

[themonotonysyndrome]

REDACTED verse - Home

Prompt: any fandom / any pairing / reminiscing over old memories, allowing yourself to miss and grieve the relationship you lost

Word Count: 2,543

Author/Team: LadyMonotone

Fandom/Original: Redacted ASMR (Quinn/Darling, in the past. Sam/Darling, currently)

Rating: T

Triggers: Unhealthy relationship. Mutual obsession. Guilt-tripping. Implication of a graphic fight. Near-death experience. Honestly, Quinn can be his own warning label at this point. 

Summary: Darling reflects on two different men who loves them during the different points in their life. 

ConCrit: Y

Urgh, work has been holding me in a chokehold. And not in a sexy and fun way, lol. But I managed to write this oneshot during the few free hours that I can find during work.

So anyway, this oneshot is based on one of my headcanon: Darling & Quinn were exes before they became enemies because I love drama and angst! 

-

Ever since Darling can remember, Dahlia never really felt like home. Not until they meet Quinn for the very first time. 

Childhood - for Darling - went by in a hazy flurry of memories. Every day was a passing moment of new faces, new cities and new names thanks to their parent's careers. Hell, as long as Darling could remember, they utter more 'goodbyes' than 'hellos' when they were a kid. 

The constant uprooting made it difficult for Darling to form meaningful attachments, even towards their own parents. 

Well-meaning but distant due to their hectic jobs. Patient but emotionally unavailable towards their own child. Their parents have always been that way, and Darling doesn't have it in them to admit that there's been a growing chasm between them. 

Could families become strangers one day? The possibility doesn't bother Darling at all, as strange as it is. 

And as their childhood flew by, Darling was thirteen years old when their parents announced that Dahlia would become their forever home. A change in careers and a newfound Pack forces Darling to adapt to their new norm. 

"You're going to love it here," Their mother assured them just before she dropped Darling off at their new school, in a new city. For the thirtieth time. "Gabe mentioned that his son, David, and his friends will be showing you around school today. They're all very nice people; I'm sure they can't wait to be friends with you!"

The thirteen-year-old Darling wondered what sort of expression they were wearing to have their Mum's face twist into something indescribable when they remained quiet. But a quick peck on their forehead later, Darling soon stepped out of the car and began their new life in Dahlia. 

The growing chasm between Darling and their parents gradually extended towards David Shaw and his Pack. 

On an objective and detached level, the sixteen-year-old Darling would readily admit that David is shaping up to become an amazing Alpha. His power has been growing every day, and he has the right temperament and compassion that a good leader should possess. 

Darling wondered if he might be even more powerful than his father in the future. 

On a personal level? Darling sees him and his Pack as nothing more than acquaintances from the moment their family joined the Shaw Pack. 

Relationships, attachments... It was better to stand at the distance to spare themselves from disappointment or pain. Once Darling stopped expecting their parents to come home for dinner for the tenth time, everything began to snowball from there. 

Walls started to appear, and that ever-growing chasm encompasses Darling and those around them. By the time they realise it, Darling's heart is numbed, their emotions muted. 

In a way, Darling accepted it as a blessing in disguise. 

With a frozen heart, their expectations of others and vice-versa means nothing. When nothing is important to you, there lies in freedom and strength.

The freedom to do whatever they want. The strength to explore and discover things that most people shied away. 

And when Darling hit their twenties, they began to pull away from their families and Pack concern gazes and towards the bright and exciting underbelly of Dahlia. 

It was nothing like Darling could ever expect and more. 

The people that they met have a chasm of their own, walls that fortified their hearts, and they all share a common belief: 

Live for yourself. 

A new world was open to Darling. New experiences, new acquaintances and new opportunities to find those with muted souls like them. 

Some taught Darling who to connect with to get the best illegal substances and reach those with less than reputable careers. A bartender from a neighbouring town introduced them to the scene of underground fight rings. Others help distract Darling from the loneliness that they were born with. 

What came next was something Darling used to pray for in the dark when they were a child. A friend - someone who understood them.  

Quinn walked into their life on an inconspicuous Friday evening amongst the trays of drinks and deafening club music. Their eyes were drawn to him from the beginning, and when the Vampire's gaze locked with theirs, he was drawn to them, too. 

"May I sit here beside you?" The lone Vampire asked and gestured to the vacant stool beside them. 

Darling inclined their head but said nothing. 

The Vampire wasn't put off by their silence. In fact, he was patient. When Darling refused to speak, he haunted their favourite spots for several days until he made himself intrigued enough for Darling to ask for his name. 

"Quinn." The Vampire answered with a handsome smile after Darling finally allowed him to buy them a drink. "I've never seen such a devastating beauty around Dahlia before. Are you new here?"

Handsome and charming. What a dangerous combo, and yet, Darling found themselves swept by Quinn's presence and, not long after, onto their bed. 

Like them, Quinn has a chasm of his own. But his has demons lurking within the shadows with fangs as sharp as their owner, and each one of them is hidden behind a thin veneer and a sultry smirk.

Just two broken people forming a connection with each other, unlike anything they ever had before. Or, in Darling's case, lack thereof. 

Regardless, everything that came afterwards happened in a whirlwind. From casual fuck buddies, Quinn and Darling agreed to become exclusive, and as a result, Quinn stopped hopping from one city to another so he could be with them.

"Everything I want is right here in this city. Why would I need to wander around anymore?" Quinn assured them with a kind smile, yet his heavy gaze pinned Darling on the bed. He then leaned forward to leave kisses along their neck, and that's when Darling realised that to Quinn, they're the physical embodiment of everything that Quinn desired. 

"You're the only one for me, Darling." He purrs; his tone is dangerously soft. "The first person who I want to be in my future. I hope you understand that."

That was another thing about Quinn. The way how he holds them on a pedestal. As if they're his entire world, and he's just a tiny star orbiting closer and closer towards Darling. 

The attention is exhilarating. His love for them is an addiction that Darling can't seem to get enough of. Whenever they meet, clothes are instantly off, and Quinn would proceed to worship them for hours on end until they could no longer scream. 

A mutual obsession that entangles Quinn and Darling tighter and tighter in a confusing spider web until nothing exists except the other. 

However, just shy of three years into their relationship, Darling soon learned that even shadows lurked within paradise. 

Perhaps it's because this is Darling's first-ever meaningful relationship with someone that it blinded them to Quinn's flaws and unsavoury habits. 

Over time, Darling could hear alarm bells starting to go off in their head regarding Quinn; their rose-tinted glasses gradually darkened the more they realised just what kind of man their lover was. 

Quinn's possessiveness reared its ugly head when he became jealous of everyone that Darling came across. Soon enough, he started to monopolised their time and attention - he wouldn't let them have lunch with their coworkers, and he would hover whenever Darling was on a call with their parents. 

When they're out on a date night, his eyes never strayed away from Darling; not even to the crowd around them. His possessiveness eventually drove their acquaintances away from Darling one by one. 

It became suffocating; his loving embrace turned into a prison. His love for them threatened those who tried to approached them. 

Is this what love supposed to be? Supposed to feel? Darling couldn't help but wondered during those late nights when they couldn't sleep with Quinn's arms around their form. Their naked body is littered with hickeys, bite marks, rope burns and light purple bruises. 

With Quinn, Darling had finally found a home but is this how a home supposed to be? 

They were at an impasse, completely isolated with no one but their lover. 

"Will you let me do whatever it takes to make you happy, Darling? I promise to always love you and make you want for nothing when were are together."

And so, Darling fell and continued to fell into a spiral of mind-blowing pleasure and a dangerous romance with no ground in sight. 

However, kindness can come from unexpected places. A tentative and concerned colleague began to reach his hand out in friendship. 

Like the reckless idiot that they are, Darling took it. It's OK; everything is fine. It's not like they were doing anything wrong. They were just polite towards a coworker. Hell, they only talk during work hours! 

Quinn didn't see it that way. Somehow, he found that a Non-Empowered human has been talking to his lover and the screaming match began. 

It was on that same night that Darling decided to end it finally. 

“Don’t you dare question my love for you!” Quinn shouted, anger and desperation glimmer behind his eyes. “When I said that you're the only one for me, I fucking meant it." But he doesn't stop there, no matter how much Darling internally begged of him. "You think I'll ever let that human - anyone - have you? Oh Darling, you don't want to see the lengths I'm willing to go through if you leave me. You really, really, don't." His voice hardened menacingly. 

At that moment, Darling loathed the monster that Quinn revealed himself to be. It's heartbreaking. It's reality and karma taking turns slapping Darling on the face. 

That night became a blur afterwards. They don't know how but Darling found the strength to walk out of the door despite Quinn's ultimatum. They decided to do the right thing and report Quinn to the Department in a foolish hope that he would leave them alone. 

Darling should have known better than their action only spurned their ex into a frenzy. Since they've been hanging around their parents after the breakup, Quinn decided to target their colleague. 

It was only by sheer luck that Darling was talking with their coworker when the attack happened and that they remembered his address. Darling managed to intercept Quinn, but the fight nearly killed both of them with a brutally injured human as collateral. 

They would've died that night if it weren't for their parents, who immediately contacted the Shaw Pack when Darling bolted out of the house like a bat out of hell. 

" - could this happen? Dahlia was supposed to be their home! They were supposed to be safe here! They could finally have friends without worrying about when we would move to next! This... this isn't how it should be..."

"I failed them when I decided that they needed some space. That by letting them set the pace, they would one day understand that we love them, that they don't have to be alone anymore. We... I failed them." 

"We didn't even know about this Vampire until last night, so please... you're not to blamed, David. If you failed them as their Alpha, then we failed them as their parents. From the moment they were a child." 

Darling's consciousness thankfully sank further and further into the recess of their mind afterwards. Once they were deemed well enough to return to their normal life, they threw a lie that would placate David and their parents before hightailing out of Dahlia and towards Washington before the rest of their Pack members could visit them. 

Failed as an Alpha? Failed as parents? Darling doesn't understand or care about those things. 

Not when Quinn managed to escape from that fight. 

While they were recovering, Darling flickered through the memories they shared with Quinn. Those three years they shared with him were truly the best moment of their lives. So Darling allowed themselves to mourn over the loss of what they had, who they thought could one day be their Mate. 

Though it wasn't long before sorrow and a broken heart made way for righteous anger. Quinn is their mistake. So it's only logical that it's Darling's responsibility to take him down. 

Even if it kills them. 

-

''What the hell do you think you’re doing here?"

If Quinn is the eye of a storm, then Sam Collins reminds Darling of a gentle night rain. 

Despite his no-nonsense attitude, Darling is surprised that the man is willing to hear them out. Even when he has the right to be distrustful of them. 

And yet, Quinn left too many scars on their heart to immediately trust the words of a Vampire. So they played it safe; they gave Sam the bare minimum of their current situation regarding Quinn and nothing more. 

Sam's explanation of how he acquired two new Progenies doesn't shock them. A part of Darling always knew that Quinn was very intuned with his demons; they just didn't mattered because to Darling, Quinn has been nothing but the perfect lover. Now he's dragging every innocent people he can find just to hurt them back. 

Darling hated how stupid they were to give their heart to Quinn all those years ago. 

"You’d best be moving along then. Didn’t your momma teach you not to talk to strange men in the dark all alone? I imagine I’ll be seeing you again before too long. See ya around, stranger."

Darling bit their lip as Sam vanished. Their mother hardly taught them anything anyway. 

Days and nights were then spent tracking Quinn down in a fanatical zeal and escaping close calls. Ambushing those two Vampires wasn't the smartest thing that they could've done, but hey, at least they can confirm that Quinn wasn't in that city. 

Sam didn't share the same sentiment when he found out what had happened. 

After inviting himself into their house and patching them up, Darling studied him a little more and found that they welcomed the difference between Sam and Quinn.  

Sam doesn't let his Vampiric nature rule over him; he has found a middle ground that makes him comfortable in his own skin. 

No dark chasm isolating him from others. In fact, Sam reached out towards Darling despite their chasm. He listens instead of pushing, help Darling get used to his presence until they feel comfortable around him and doesn't judge their past with Quinn. 

Whenever Darling expects Sam to lash out, he sits down and quietly asks if it's something they could discuss together. 

Something is growing between them; something more than friendship and the thought both scares and excite Darling. 

"Hey. Are you all right? No, I’m not talking about “will be”. I’m talking right now. Are you all right?"

An emotional bond has been woven between them. 

"What can I do, Darlin?"

A mutual trust has been formed. 

"I can do that. Come here. Come in close. I got you. Of course, I’ll stay. You don’t have to keep the armour up tonight. The fighting’s done. You can just rest. I got you, Darlin."

Sam could be their home, but this time, Darling hopes that they could be one for him as well. 

"Thank you, Sam."

[shinebrightlikeanarwhal]

Random SF ideas

It has a lot of Travis ships because that's my feral lil bby. I'm having fun keeping him from bullying people by bullying him instead lol

Every time he enters school Sal mutters “anything can happen in the Bronx”. Todd is the only one that doesn’t understand.

Travis is emotionally constipated and will take it out on others, but later do small things as his form of apologizing. Philip and his mother are the only people that understand him and understand why. Sal thinks he may be bipolar and Larry has probably called him the r-slur under his breath. (Stinky boy probably would say it openly if not for Sal's disdain for that word).

Maple and Travis bonding over jewelry and make up. Travis won’t admit it to anyone but her but he likes the way Maple accessorizes. Obligatory Chug appreciation to keep on her good side, later forms a healthy and wholesome friendship.

Travis and Larry fight verbally. It doesn’t get physical unless Larry loses control and shoved Travis. This prompting a snarky reminder that Larry is no better than Travis’ own father. They cuddle and fall asleep later tho, after Sal puts them in their get along corner.

Nicknames. Travis’ weakness is nicknames. Lisa discovers this and shows Larry and Sal who abuse this power. Travis’ tan cheeks are bright red anytime he’s out public with them because of their stupidly sweet nicknames. Their go to for reactions are baby(boy), sweetheart and bottom

Shameless PDA when Sal is jealous. Travis learns the hard way how easy it is to make him jealous when a hand is in his waist and holding him close to the shorter. Fingers tracing any exposed skin to keep Travis focused on him. Sorry Lar, you took up too much Travis time..

Travis’ mom being an absolute babe. Apple if her eye is her sweet boy. Probably passed while he was young and had to watch him grow in that unhealthy environment.. maybe reaches out to Sal for help since he’s more intuitive. Def terrifies Larry a couple times as a prank. He hit her son, bully or not, it just felt right to braid his hair to his bed post a couple times and paint his nasty thoughts on his chest.

Travis hates surprises and loud noises because of his father. They don’t learn that until they throw a surprise birthday party with cheering and loud pops of confetti balloons, his panic attack damn near gave him a heart attack. (He refused to accept apologies for something they didn’t know. Instead demanding they spoil him for the rest of the week as compensation for his hospital trip on his birthday)

I said it once, and I’ll say it again. Service. Animals. Mr. Phelps legally obligated to give him a service animal and Travis is somewhat saved from Kenneth's abuse. Taking more time outside for walks (the dog can’t bare letting Travis stay in the house for long with his father home). He genuinely bonds with other students over his new dog (the dog allowing contact when not in uniform but if Travis’ needs are present will attach itself to Travis’ hip.

Religious trauma and coping. Because PLS, can we please address the amount of abuse because of the Bible?? That boy may stay and follow the proper words of his lord. Or he could detach himself from the church entirely (especially because of the cult!)

Travis ships: Salvis and Larvis

Asked out: Oh. Oh no. How did they fall for Travis?!? What did they do to find that feral little kitten so cute?? Was it they dyed hair? The dresses when he shows off more legs than they anticipated? Him apologizing and changing for the better?? What happened to him to make him so interesting!? Sal absolutely starts approaching Travis cautiously. Taken aback when he's greeted with a warm smile and compliments. They start to grow as friends and spend time together often. Sharing eachother with their friend groups and on their own. It takes a couple of years before Sal nervously asks Travis if he would be interested in getting closer. Travis doesn't understand and Sal just awkwardly blurts out if he would try dating him... for an experiment or anything. Travis is excited, he wants to be closer and happily hugs onto Sal as his answer.

Larry is a lot ore aggressive. Cornering Travis and glaring down at him. Demanding to know what his game is. Travis doesn't fight he just nervously asks if Larry hates him. Larry almost says he does but gets distracted by the trembling and cowering kitten before him. Fuck, he can't possibly hate Travis. Larry instead starts approaching Travis. At first Travis is afraid that Larry will hit him if he doesn't like something he does. Larry hates to admit it, but Travis infested his mind. Dreams were no longer sacred when teenage hormones and a new love interest were involved. Many a times he had to look away when Travis were a particular skirt or dress because his dreams seemed to run rampant with those items. When they finally talk, Travis initiates it. He Pushes Larry into a bathroom stall and demands he explain himself. He's staring at him like a piece of meat and following him around. Larry is scaring HIS friends. Larry doesn't even hesitate to pounce on Travis. Mouth to mouth and hands on ass. Travis surprised but kinda into it allows the kiss until Larry gets too handsy. He returns to his friends with an angry red hand print on his cheek. It takes a month of apologizing Travis finally agrees to give Larry a chance. (Larry tells his mom and dances around the apartment that night)

First kiss failures: Larry got too into the kiss and starts feeling up the poor boy. Sal pecks him in his sleep and never tells Travis. He just happily holds the memory of kissing his sleeping princess.

First dates: Larry tries to show Travis the fun things to do in this sleepy little town. Travis is excited just to go anywhere other than church and school. At first there are a few hiccups, maybe weather, maybe places are crowded or cancelled. But it still ends well with the boys passed out in the truck, snuggled under a blanket Larry stores with a big smile on their face. Sal is much more romantic. Candles and flowers. Dresses up nice and styles his hair in a neat bun. He wants to impress Travis and assert he can be the man for him by presenting more masculine (Travis snorts and tells him even in a dress Sal could fight a bear). Its a simple dinner at home with Gizmo as their lazy server, sleeping on the couch in a little suit. The night ends well with the boys enjoying a night stroll and admiring the calm and almost desolate surroundings of Nockfell.

First Times: Sal does NOT expect Travis to offer it. In fact, he almost shattered his favorite mug with the tight grip he put on it. Travis thinks this means Sal doesn't want him, but no nono, Sal wants it/ He wants Travis bad. That simp wastes no time scurrying to their room, cleaning his bed and all necessary items are prepared. He was well stocked for... college purposes, but Travis offering to give Sal his first?? (Yes. He did a victory dance and scream in the tree house when he thought he was alone.)

First Time: Larry would waste no time, grabbing Travis and making sure, this is what he wants. Larry may sleep around before they got together but he would never expect Travis to offer his first time so soon. Travis agreeing and Larry in tears hugging onto the confused man. He has never been so gentle with a partner and savored every second, sound and action. It may not have been Larry's first but he was more than happy to say it was his best. Larry would 100% scream to Sal about it later though. He is a man that appreciates his partner and would be an aftercare fiend. Relishing in any reactions Travis gives him while massages and treats the poor tired bum.

Living together: Hell hath no fury like Travis on cleaning day. The boys no not to be in his way if he has his cleaning apron and swiffer. The only one allowed to interrupt his most sacred day is Gizmo and any animals they adopt. Larry has to moderate his metal music or sleep on the porch, he tried to test Travis and found the porch uncomfortable during a rainstorm. No ghost hunting after 11pm. If you even think Travis will allow you in the house after hunting ghosts he will promptly pack your bags and ship them off to your parents. Sal has his own room dedicated entirely to clothes and accessories. His prosthetics he tries to hide at first but after a harsh scolding from Travis (while he literally hand cleans every single prosthetic so Sal doesn't get an infection) Sal starts putting them away where he feels comfortable and clean. They don't expect Travis to be semi nude half the time. Especially before they marry and start a family, no pants. Never wearing pants. Larry hams up the free skin. Sal is too embarrassed of his sinful thoughts.

Proposals: Travis would be terrified of marriage after what happened to his mother. If they were to propose they ould make sure he is fully comfortable and settled in their new life. They would make sure he is loved and never feels any of the fear his father had instilled in him. Larry mentions marriage in passing to gauge his reaction. Ig Travis tenses, he kills the conversation and instead distracts Travis. If Travis reacts positively he would sneak a ring on his finger and just smirk until Travis realizes and smiles. Sal =, however, is sneaky. Keeping close tabs on Travis. If Travis starts showing signs of interest, he would 100% plan the biggest proposal for Travis and make sure he feels cherished during every moment.

[huntershowl-moving]

well that went terribly.

normally i'd worry about airing out personal baggage on tumblr but i am so emotionally detached from these people that wow i don't care!

uhh so long story short my cousin is a cryptobro antivaxxer/antimasker and has been traipsing around in dubai/NY/LA/thailand at crypto conventions. my grandma and aunt are both extremely vulnerable, so when we found out that said cousin was still coming to christmas we decided he couldn’t come inside but if we socially distanced/masked up outside it would hopefully be ok thanks to everyone else having boosters. he decided he’d rather not come.

and uh. yeah. my mother found out about that and started an apocalyptic screamfest that devolved the entire night into a multi hour fight. because according to her, the media is lying, and all of us are equally at risk to him anyway, and obviously this is a personal affront and about politics actually. thanks ma

anyway at a moment when i could not fucking take it anymore because it was just going in circles, i stood up and like. yelled. for the first time ever, in my life, at my family (especially my mom, whom i am absolutely terrified to stand up to) saying we’re done because this isn’t going anywhere - the guy made his decision, and all they were doing was insulting each other at this point. for the next like ten minutes anytime someone said something unnecessarily inflammatory i pointed at them and said like “what did i JUST SAY. WE’RE DONE.” 

and to my absolute fucking astonishment, they actually listened to me for what feels like the first time in my weary goddamn 23 years of existence.

and then my mom pulled me aside, alone away from my partner, once we got home to verbally shove me back down to my Place (aka being wrong, and sorry, and just an insolent child who doesn’t know anything and ruined the night) so you know,, ya win some ya lose some,,

[dysphxtric]

Mental Illness - My Mental Health Story

TW: Depression, Anxiety, Self harm, Suicide, Sexual Harassment

“You should smile more.”

“It could be worse.”

“Just don’t think about it.”

These were the phrases I heard throughout all of my elementary and high school years. There was never a time when my peers and teachers, would not mention some bizarre, ignorant statement revolving around mental health. Not to mention, my family also contributed heavily to the stigmatization of mental health issues. Essentially, my family approached the subject of mental health with extreme hesitation, they refused to talk about how it affects people of all age, gender, ethical background (etc.) Every time I would say “I’m feeling lost” my family would automatically dismiss my frantic worries and it was not any different when I went to school. My peers would continuously remind me that my pain was not valid and that I need to stop being so sensitive. My primary parental figures, my mother and brother did not have the adequate knowledge or tools to be able to hold space for me. I would frequently hear my mom say, “I could understand someone suffering from PTSD feeling upset or sad but you’re so young and healthy honey, you have nothing to worry about” or the old classic “Someone else has it worse than you”. Whether I was at home or at school, I heard the same ignorant statements spewing out from what felt like everyone. And I could never comprehend what was the point of these falsely “encouraging” statements and why profusely use them? These kinds of statements do not uplift, nor do they empower those struggling with mental health issues, if anything it makes it extremely debilitating when your emotions are not acknowledged nor validated. One cannot expect to simply brush away another person’s emotion, thought or feeling as though it means nothing.

With that being said, growing up, I lived in a dysfunctional household alongside my mother, my older brother, and my grandmother. My mother would always be juggling work, schooling, and her dating life. My brother was very reluctant about staying home so he would always vanish after school, hang out with friends, party hard and engage with various street substances. Now my grandmother? It was not long after she immigrated that she began to immerse herself within the Jehovah’s Witnesses ideology and “religiously” strayed away from us as my mother likes to say. My mother was never fond of religious practices that were not “orthodox”. My grandmother wanted to indoctrinate my mom, brother, and I into joining her religious little club but failed which resulted in countless fights, yelling matches, and multiple dents left in our walls. The back and forth with the yelling was what scared me most in my childhood even if it was over something as small as not closing the cabinet door. I think it was around this time period I experienced violence/ trauma at home and truth be told I was extremely stressed and anxious all the time as a kid. My mother would cover the punched indents by taking magazines and sticking pages onto the indent. Often times my stomach would turn as I looked at the pages covering the area where my brother punched the wall with brutal force. Moreover, I felt impending sadness because all I ever wanted was for everyone in my family to be able coexist and not argue. I was trying to keep the peace between everyone, yet I was always the one that got caught in the middle of everything whether I liked it or not. I would get blamed a lot for trying to mend things for everyone. Even though all I wanted was the best for all my family members.

Fast forward to my pre-teen/ teenage years. By this point, my brother and grandmother were no longer living under the same roof as my mother and I. My brother was living with his ex-girlfriend while working as a security guard meanwhile my grandmother was living in her own little subsidized apartment preaching the word of Jehovah. At that particular time, my mother and I lived in a marvellous urban semi-detached house in a peaceful neighbourhood. My mother’s boyfriend had moved in with us and for the most part I was really happy because at least it was not just me and her.

My mother’s boyfriend lived with us while I was going to school. He was a really nice, caring and warm-hearted individual although I could never understand why my mother argued with him so much. I once told him “You should propose to her, I can see you two together forever” to which he replied with a welcoming smile.

But eventually just like with all good things, there comes an end. The inevitable breakup my mom went through was very bitter and I had to be there for her. Afterall, I was technically the only child that was around to emotionally comfort her. Ironically, the breakup occurred during the time I was being bullied in school. And it was difficult to be fully present for my mother while dealing with a lot of negativity at school. I had been experiencing cyber bullying on MSN by a bunch of peers calling me “weird”, “ugly” and “different”. To make matters worse, the group of kids that bullied me online ended up following me everywhere I went for recess which posed as a big obstacle for my well being. I had to eat inside the portables when teachers weren’t around or inside the girl’s bathroom stall just to avoid being teased. I never felt like I had a safe space to myself where I could be vulnerable and open up. Not to mention, it was a difficult time and there was practically no one I could confide in. I didn’t have a social circle of supportive friends, after all I was an antisocial person. Fear washed over me as I worried about disclosing my unpleasant experience to my mother because she was already dealing with so much, the heartbreak, the bills, work problems (etc.), it was then and there that I decided to lie instead of telling the truth. Ultimately, lying became my cooping mechanism to deal with the ongoing pain.

I kept up the lying for a long time in order to make it seem like everything was okay. I lied to everyone from family members to school peers to the teaching staff to principals to counselors.

For the longest time, lying sheltered me from all sorts of unnecessary questions. No one could really tell whether I was truthful or disloyal because I was able to make it sound believable. When I was a teenager, I continued to go down the same destructive path by being dishonest with myself and others. Many times, the thought of suicide crossed my mind and when I started to think about it and plan/coordinate the intricate details it did not hit me that something was very wrong, and I needed urgent help. A big part of the problem was that I was so used to downplaying my pain, given my family circumstance and stigmatization I experienced growing up with. There is no denying that I would engage in negative self talk convincing myself that I deserved the pain and suffering for not being likeable enough or for not being smart enough.

Sometimes I think that is the thing… people do not understand that I lied because that was what I was required to do in order to survive my childhood. I, myself do not tolerate lying and I think it is a form of betrayal and if I were to be completely honest, I would have NEVER lied to my mom had it been safe for me to express myself authentically in my household.

I did not live in a household where it was safe to speak my mind freely and disagree with my mother. Disagreeing was always the last thing I wanted to do, disagreeing meant I got the belt, my devices would get confiscated or that I was going to get grounded. They say, “Honesty is the best policy” and I do not disagree however, it is not as black and white as one may think. In my situation, lying was not only an adaptive coping mechanism but it became a survival mechanism to keep me safe from harm/threat.

I did not have very much individuality growing up. I felt as though having an opinion of my own was bad. In order to perpetuate this fixated mindset that I had, my mother constantly deemed certain attributed behaviours or thoughts as “good” or “bad”. So, say you were upset about a recent breakup with your partner, my mother would scoff and say, “You know life isn’t just about love right?” and play it like it means nothing to the person affected by the situation.

The first time I ever felt depressed was when I was 13. At that age I did not understand why I was feeling what I was feeling. All I knew was that there was something wrong with me. It did not help when I was being picked on by my classmates telling me “Go die”, “You belong in a ditch ugly bitch.”

The moment when things started getting out of hand was when I was first started my Art and Family Studies class in the same semester. In both classes I was placed into groups amongst other students. In Family Studies I had to be in a collaborative group that would divide responsibilities and tasks accordingly. When it came to cooking, my group consisted of four snobby, rich yet immature peers who were unwilling to help and contribute in any shape or form, I had to become the bigger person and sure enough I took all the responsibilities on myself. Though, it was not a smart move. But I was super shy and felt anxious to do anything different least to say speak up and advocate for myself, so I did what I had to do which was prepare meals, clean, and wash the dishes. At the end of the day, none of my peers thanked me, the only thank you I got was getting groped while washing the dishes and getting laughed at.

After what happened I ran to my best friend in tears to tell her what happened just to find her say “It’s not that bad, you’ll be fine” I felt like my blood was going to boil and I was about to start fuming. I stood thinking “Huh, that is so weird, is this how you comfort a person after being sexually harassed?”

Not to sound all grim but that experience showed me that no one really cared about me. No one cared that I got groped or how I felt in that moment. Let alone not even my “best friend” who was supposed to fulfill her role and be there for me. All I wanted was comfort and to be heard out. I could not even tell my mother about this experience until I turned 21 because of how ashamed I felt carrying around that experience and not having the ability to open up and mourn what happened that day and to be able to heal that damaged part of myself. I carried that incident with me for 7 years in silence because I was scared of being honest.

That specific experience was very detrimental to my mental health. Everything began to spiral out of control, I sprawled into a dark depressive state. I began to have intense panic attacks, insomnia, forgetfulness (etc.) After a certain duration of time, I had thoughts of suicide lingering at the back of my head. I questioned my worth, my identity, my culture, my everything.

The bullying and name calling persisted and became so intense that I ended up missing weeks of school time. Some of the boys in my Art class found it funny to make fun of my last name and call me “Prostitute”.

One day in the early springtime, my Art teacher noticed the marks on my wrists as I was painting and had not said anything until I made it to my last period class. I was called down to the guidance counselors office and was interrogated with questions.

“It has come to our concern that one of the staff members noticed cuts on your arms.”

I sat in silence trying hard to contain my anxiety.

“Are you struggling with depression or low mood? Is everything okay at home?”

It came to the point when I got so tired of lying about my pain that I admitted “Yes, I am struggling, I need help”. I dived into the bullying occurrences, the cat calling, my low grades, my self-esteem, the groping, my home situation (etc). After that, I was told that my mother would have to be called down to the school for “safety” reasons even though my counselor promised not to disclose any personal information to my mother. My greatest fear was that I did not want my mom to know that something was wrong.

Of course, my mom came to my school. She was told everything that had happened. I met her at the counselor’s office just to find her wailing in distress “You are such an embarrassment” and “Your counselor told me what you did, how could you do this?”. When the counselor gave us resources for help, my mother grabbed the papers and shoved them into the trash, got up and yanked me out the office.

The next three days that followed, my mother withdrew into her room not saying a word to me. I felt really uneasy and upset. She had her right to be alone but locking herself away from me and avoiding communication altogether? Didn’t make much sense.

I felt extremely guilty for not opening up to my mother sooner. But instead of choosing to be compassionate and caring she chose to resort to anger. She furiously blamed me for being “quiet” and “not trustful” which all landed on my shoulders again. It was “my” fault I thought.

Bottling this up resulted in a full-blown mental breakdown. I could not focus or concentrate because of everything building up. It came to the point where my mom had to choose between living in a toxic community or starting fresh elsewhere.

And even though my mother kept subjecting me to her harmful stigmatizations, the transition from my old school to my new one helped me greatly. When we moved away, I gradually started to feel better emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Very quickly, I ended up adapting to my new high school where I finally made friends.

One thing I cannot deny is that there definitely was a silver lining to all of this. Although I went through severe bullying and torment at school and home, I managed to reclaim my power and through that I discovered my inner peace after being extracted from my toxic high school. The new school that I ended up attending completely changed me and inspired me to become a more authentic version of myself. It was almost as though I did a complete 180°

My new peers and teachers were enthusiastic, open-minded and caring. The new community I was surrounding myself in was a very positive one that broke down stigmas and encouraged deep understanding and acceptance. My mind was blown when I found that it was easier to conversate with girls and guys at my new school, I was gradually becoming confident and more vocal, and I liked the feeling of not hiding myself away from the world. It felt rejuvenating to finally be heard and seen by others.

Slowly but surely, I began to partake in various activities at my school. I joined the Poetry Club which I would have never considered joining had I stayed back in my old school due to fear of how I was perceived. Ultimately, I started caring and nurturing myself more. My new friends supported me, and teachers began to openly listen to my stories and encouraged me to write. When I started writing, I realized that I could use this medium to cope with my depression and anxiety. The acknowledgment made a major difference in my life like never before.

If it were not for the transition from my old high school, I would have not made progress in developing into the woman I am today. I know that I am not my pain, I am not my mistakes.

Do I still struggle and have bad days? Yes, of course. Just like any human being I have my days when I am not feeling the greatest however, I am more open to learning about how to engage with my mind, body and soul in order to soothe myself during turbulent times. I still have that inner critic however, I have been engaging with activities such as bike riding, painting, drawing, and reading to help occupy my mind which as a result has reduced the time that I spend ruminating. Occupying myself has worked magic, I am now able to reduce and control how much time I spend self-loathing, criticizing, and judging myself. Rather than judging every thought, I’ve learned to slow down and observe.

If you stuck along until the end of my story, I want to thank you for reading through my experience. My hope is that my story can shed some light on the myths and stigmas surrounding mental health, especially within the Eastern European community. I want you all to know that you are ALL valid and I wanted to be able to share my story so that my readers know that they are not alone.

[gossip-girl-of-middleearth]

Hello! I hope this doesn’t make you uncomfy but I was wondering if I could get a bit of advice? From your recent posts, you said you left your home from toxicity and just bad things in general.

I’m in a similar situation, but my dad will be taking me away from my mom. And I just know it’ll be a shit show. And I’m absolutely terrified when we tell her and what the backlash will be afterwards towards my brothers and me and dad in general

How did you do it? How did you take the leap? Do you possibly have any advice on how to deal ?

Hello, friend!! ☀️

Thank you so much for reaching out, it means a lot that you value my advice <3

Hmm, okay from what I can tell of your situation, that is indeed a tricky one, but nothing can’t be overcome!

It’s important to remember, though, I was 19 when I left (now 20), so the way I handled things is going to be a lot different than how a minor can handle things (legally at least, feel free to replicate my insane stunts lmao)

Advice below the cut! (family violence trigger warning, I suppose?)

My entire family was and is extremely volatile, and I don’t speak to any of them anymore except for my older brother, but I’ll be cutting him off in 3 weeks too when I move.

Fortunately, my dad and brother were both kicked out of the house years ago due to violence, which left me with my mother, who’s quite insidious herself (just watch any Conjuring movie and that’ll give a good idea of what it was like living in that house lol)

I get the same feeling watching this scene as when I was around her in that house. Granted she didn’t try to change my gender, but the hatred for my father getting taken out on me is pretty accurate lol, paired with the immediate “motherly love” afterwards (she never hit me though, pleased to say — she wasn’t physically violent, just emotionally, financially, mentally and verbally. She did try to run my dad over once though, so, there’s that too)

Yikes…yeahh the same eerie feeling for sure, still makes all my hairs stand upright in memory.

(For further context this clip reminds me of my father and this one of my brother)

In the clip about my father, he definitely reminds me of Frank Gallagher, except he despises my mother instead of revering her. He’s a workaholic instead of a drug addict, too. But the mannerisms are the same. I always handled him in the way Fiona does.

Regarding my brother, I think everything about our family hit him the hardest, despite being the oldest. He developed a very violent streak, and has very poor impulse control. I love him dearly but he’s a snake in the grass, and has thrown me under the bus multiple times to get ahead in life. I mostly just pity him, since I know what our life was like growing up. But still, I can’t defend him forever, especially not at the cost of myself. Literally yesterday I woke up to a text from him asking me to come pick him up because he got arrested for starting a fight at a bar and smashing their windows.

When things started getting pretty bad with my mother earlier this year, I started to realise in my heart that there was no way I could go forth in life with her in it. I focused on the future relationships I would have one day when far away from this town — romantic partner, children, friends etc

I sort of realised one day I’d care about them a lot more than I care about my mother, because those future people would care about me. That in turn got me realising that I do deserve love, despite how my mother made me feel, and that I don’t want her to deprive another second of that in my life.

Something very unique that triggered this too was going to go visit an old family psychic, who’s basically just the Gandalf to my Frodo (ily, Chris <3). He very accurately predicted my birth years ago after my mother was told she was infertile — he got the date, year and time right three years in advance, and even knew ahead of time what my personality would be like, which he was spot-on about.

Well, I went and visited him a few months ago because I was lost with my direction, and he ended up pausing and had a sudden feeling, which led to him telling me that he’d just found out I would be having twin boys one day.

Normally I don’t buy into that stuff, but this Gandalf dude…well I knew he was right.

Knowing I’d have sons of my own one day took me from a scared daughter mindset and into a maternal mother bear in an instant, and I knew I didn’t want any children of mine around my mother or the rest of my family, for their safety alone, which made me realise, “Well, if I wouldn’t allow my own children near them, why do I allow myself?”

I started grey-rocking her in the lead-up to me leaving, which of course frustrated her (she’s a malignant narcissist), but it was a necessary step to start emotionally detaching myself from her.

It all bottled over one night after a pretty distressing argument (I had locked myself in my room to avoid it, but she was still at my door carrying on).

My cat, who’s been my best friend for years, was sitting on the floor next to me, and sort of looked up and I swear he spoke with his eyes, saying, “You know we can’t keep doing this, right? You know this abuse has an expiry date?”

I agreed with my cat and knew right then and there that I’d be leaving that night after my mother fell asleep.

Well, when she was finally done (with threats that there’d be more in stock in the morning, mind you) I went to bed early and set my alarm to 3am (was a little inside joke with myself, since that’s biblically the “witching devil hour”)

I started quietly packing my quilt and cat up (I’d already been secretly packing the boot of my car up with all sentimental and important items weeks in advance, except she caught on and took all my baby albums and more to her boyfriend’s house, so I don’t have any baby photos or information on me when I was a baby anymore, like first words, size and just general things I’d have liked to compare to my own kids one day, rip)

Once that was all in my car, I quietly said goodbye to the old family dog and cat (they weren’t mine to take, not that I could’ve anyways, since it was troubling enough taking Buddy, who’s actually my pet and not the family one). That was pretty heartbreaking, as I knew that’d be the last time I’d see them (I grew up with them and was the only one who took care of them — mother neglects kids and pets alike lmao).

Once that was over, I looked around my house with my hand on the front door and was very melancholy, but knew Buddy was right: it had all reached its expiry date.

I left very quietly and drove to McDonalds for a coffee, as I had a long drive ahead (I had organised to be a nanny in this rich family’s house far away in the city — two hours drive). Luckily they were away on their country farm 4 hours away, so I had time to sneak Buddy in.

The nanny thing recently backfired horribly because they discovered Buddy, which led to more AM escapes with my car, but I’m staying with my older brother and his gf for 3 more weeks only. Something I’ve been working towards for months now is moving to a wilderness island to live in my country’s equivalent of Bag End — a beautiful country cottage, amazing job and fantastic study opportunities.

Best feature yet: it’s 60 hours away from my hometown by car, and then you’d have to take a boat for 10 more hours!! They shall never find me hahaha

One of my friends has also told me recently that my mother has started spreading horrible, defamatory rumours about me around town, but I don’t care anymore because I’m almost out.

So, although I can’t offer any practical advice (idk if you’re a minor or not, but regardless it’s great your dad is helping you!) this is the best advice I can offer:

Find a dream and hold onto it, one that doesn’t involve your immediate family. For me it’s moving to that island and enjoying all the fresh air. It’ll push you forwards and remind you of what you’re fighting for when at your lowest.

Remind yourself there will be other people in your life, whether a spouse, friends, children or even a dog! (I’m getting a golden retriever next year 🐾) And then remember that you deserve all of them and the unconditional love they offer you.

Remember that if you don’t want your mother/family screwing those people over by proxy of her/their relationship to you, then there’s no way in hell you alone should put up with it either, as I guarantee those future people only want good things for you ☀️

There is a good life after abuse, I’ve seen it, and I know you can achieve it, too!

Be prepared for tons of backlash and bullshit — it’s inescapable when dealing with people like this, but I recommend educating yourself on narcissistic parents and tactics to deal with them.

Finding a good therapist who deals in PTSD regarding childhood abuse is important, too. I found an amazing one in the town I’m moving to, who had nearly the same upbringing as me!

So while I’m still struggling with a lot of fear (scared my mother will find where I’m working and living one day) and guilt (I feel horrible about leaving the family dog and cat behind, especially when they need veterinary help, only to then go and get myself another puppy) I understand I’ve done the best I can in a very abnormal situation, and that I can only do better from here.

Also, this song has been a saving grace when going all angsty over wanting to leave your current situation:

It’s from my favourite Broadway Musical, “Newsies”, and lemme tell you — discovering this as a 17-year-old when I was just starting to realise the severity of my situation was pure divinity.

Jeremy Jordan, my beloved Broadway Bard <3

When I finally get my cottage, I’m getting a wooden plaque with the name “Santa Fe” engraved on it, and am hanging it on my front door.

I wish you much luck and love, my little anonymous friend! And please know my inbox is open any time you need anything — vent, advice, a laugh or something else, ANYTHING, it feels good to know my past can maybe help someone else’s present ☀️

Please update me, too! I’m following your story along ardently now! (Also, be sure to take your sentimental items and store them somewhere safe away from your mother — ie baby albums, birth certificates, other paraphernalia/memorabilia etc).

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must hit the road. DESTINY AWAITS!

[ginkgomoon]

Shaw's Birth Chart- An Astrological Study

Late second birthday gift to Shaw. I haven't done any heavy analyses/studies in a while but I felt happy that I also completed some good solid Shaw content! Please enjoy. *Cries because it's finally done and before June is over.*

What is Astrology?

Astrology is the study of stars- the placements and movements of different celestial bodies to correlate what’s happening on Earth. It comes from the early Latin word astrologia.

There’s a rule that we live by-

As above so below

This means whatever happens within our solar system will ultimately affect us here on Earth. For example, the moon governs our emotions, and since our body is approximately 70% water, why wouldn’t the moon affect us too? But it’s not just us, it's the moon’s gravitational pull on the oceans, in the same sense, it’s also the moodiness you may feel during full moons!

There’s many aspects to Astrology, and that would normally be too much for a single post so I’ll be elaborating on the major contributions to one’s birth chart. This will include the planets and the signs.

There’s the inner planets, consisting of the Sun, Moon, Mercury, Mars and Venus, moving quickly within the chart. Then there’s the outer planets, Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune, Uranus and Pluto, the slower moving planets. And of course, the different signs of the zodiac with different personalities. They follow the order beginning with Aries, then Taurus, Gemini, Cancer, Leo, Virgo, Libra, Scorpio, Sagittarius, Capricorn, Aquarius and finally Pisces.

Shaw's Placements

Sun ☉ The Sun represents our character, personal identity and ego. Your star sign is also known as your Sun sign. It is the “you”. The “Self”. It shows your creative force, confidence, focus and our will to live. It’s the driving force of our charts in many ways, like how it is centred in our solar system. It’s the part of us that is the “adult”, censoring the “inner child”, and overall provides information on our vitality, and what we came to do.

Shaw's Sun is in Gemini ♊︎ The air sign of Gemini is famous for their self-expression and communication. Geminis are witty, clever and flexible people. They can easily gain social contacts just as they can easily adapt in various situations and communicate through intellectual conversations. Geminis love to collect and share all sorts of information and are rather seen to be “geniuses”.

Although, they can be easily bored if they’re not getting enough mental stimulation. Geminis with their abilities to detach themselves make them excellent observers, but this can make them very difficult to be close to and be intimate with. People note them to be confusing and hard to understand, but this is because their mind is always active and switching from one topic to another (as they are represented by “the Twins”). Geminis enjoy seeing the “lighter” side of life, making them more fun and pleasing to be around. It’s guaranteed that there is never a dull moment when you’re with a Gemini!

Shaw holds a good representation as a Gemini. He always has a witty remark to say to MC, has a way with words, is shown by how he reacts to “fight or flight” situations, and stresses the usage of his favourite word, “bored”. Shaw, by having this placement of the Sun in Gemini also gives much strength to his Mercury (the planet of communication) which is also in Gemini (more on this later).

Shaw: “What do people usually do during dates?”

MC: “Uh, it’s usually eating, shopping and watching movies.”

Shaw: “That’s too boring, isn’t it? Since it’s a date with you, I’d like to get your feedback. What would you like to do?”

MC: “Nothing else.”

Shaw: “Then, what do you want to do?”

He thought for a couple of seconds and raised his eyebrows slowly, with a hint of glimmer of dark light in his eyes.

“You'll agree to anything that I do…?” -One Day Date

MC: “Why did you suddenly take an interest in reading?”

Shaw: “For the final exam.”

Despite his concentration, he flipped the pages with incredible speed- it seemed as if he didn't like what he read. -Summer Night Birthday Date

Shaw values all forms of communication and self-expression, whether it would be through music, writing, and teaching others about ancient relics. Additionally, it appears that he enjoys a range of hobbies, such as playing the bass, skateboarding and spray-painting, due to his interest in the wide variety of passions he developed. MC notices this on one of her earliest dates with him.

MC: “Hey, you seem to have a wide range of hobbies.” -One Day Date

Moon ☾ The Moon in our charts shows what your home is like, your upbringing, the relationship between your mother, the unconscious, your instincts and what you need. It tells us a lot about a person’s emotions, how they deal with it and how they express it to others.

Shaw's Moon is in Capricorn ♑︎ Productivity, work, and feeling useful and respected are the basic need for Lunar Caps. They like to keep their emotions in check, as they want to maintain being the cool-headed, practical and steady person of any group and in any project. Moon in Capricorn suggests that they have clear boundaries and realistic kinds of goals, looking for reassurance and security in what they do. They value and respect tradition and all things tangible and real. Moon Caps look forward to working towards their distant future goals, planning one step at a time. When feeling moody, their emotions will emphasise the pressure they had already put on themselves. Additionally, this is why letting their guard down to be comforted and to be reminded that they are not alone is very beneficial. Capricorns are unwilling to stand down, especially when it comes to emotionally “letting go”, hiding their sensitivity under a sarcastic manner. Wherever Capricorn is found in the chart, there is a desire for control, structure, and organisation. Emotions are well dealt with and handled in an efficient and practical manner.

There is a certain mysteriousness and sadness behind Shaw that can be subtly detected and yet to further explore deeply. This might have come from past trauma, possibly related to family relations. He has realistic expectations and justifications for his emotions, and when it comes to his goals, he will utilise these to help him slowly achieve them. Shaw is slowly letting his guard around MC, and gradually allowing him to love.

MC: “How can you draw so well?” I murmured quietly, envying his skills which require much talent.

Shaw: “Is it good? In a few months, it will fade into obscure and worthless trash."

He glanced at the wall with an undisguised contempt, as if it was not his own work that he was judging.

“It’s a failure.” He shook a spray can and started spraying it on the wall.

MC: “Wait! Why are you doing this?”

Shaw did not avert his eyes, and stood with his arms folded, refusing to give in.

Shaw: “But it's flawed now.” -One-Day Date

After a few seconds of silence, he frowned and put everything in his arms back on the table except for a can of coke. “Don’t act like you know me so well.” -Exciting Moments Date

Perhaps it was because I didn't believe that Shaw would appear so calm or so still, or because I wanted to explore why he looked so focused, I also looked at him in silence.

Shaw: “You really like to immerse yourself in your past.”

MC: “Find strength through the memories, then grow and become stronger.” I suddenly recalled a line from a TV series, and read it out.

A flicker of doubt flashed through his eyes, and eventually condensed into a dismissive look.

Shaw: “Who told you that we can only become stronger with memories?”

MC: “Why are you so dismissive?”

Speaking of which, what made Shaw so strong if it’s not finding strength from his “memory” or “past”?

Shaw: Why are you telling me this? Reminiscing every day means you’re getting old.”

-

Rain started to shower from the gloomy sky. I looked up, and found that the dark clouds were only above this small area of filming location. It was actually very sunny over at the antique market.

Fortunately, the rain was not heavy, and was even getting lighter as he predicted. He pulled at his hair, shaking off the scattering beads of rain. Such serenity did not match my impression of him, yet it was unexpectedly harmonious and natural.

MC: “Are you the rain god? Why does it always rain when I'm out with you?”

Shaw: “It’s because I can control the weather.”

At this point, the rain, which had stopped just a short while, suddenly fell again, but more densely. The smirk on his face was not gone yet. The rain seemed to be getting heavier. I felt more saddened as he spoke, yet Shaw just laughed. -Seeking Date

As a Capricorn Moon, his value and respect for tradition, and in all things tangible is very much obvious, and is highlighted with his display of knowledge about historic relics in Loveland’s museum shown in various dates, being the only student in the Department of Archeology of in Loveland University, as well in this scene from Season 2 that I couldn’t bear to leave out.

Mercury ☿ Mercury is the communication planet. When you write, speak, absorb information and how rational we are, you’re using your Mercury. It refines our Sun sign and helps define how we take in and give out information. It also talks about short distance travelling, governing your thirst for knowledge, your wit and negotiating skills. If someone is an excellent talker, it’s thanks to their Mercury placements.

Shaw's Mercury in Gemini ♊︎ Since Mercury is already ruled by Gemini, which makes it a favourable placement for quick-witted communication. Gemini Mercury placements may come across as being scattered and restless, but this is because of their different interests, seemingly knowing a little bit about everything. They easily gain knowledge where all sorts of facts and figures are up their alley, however generally have too many interests to deeply delve all into one. They can thrive in a stimulating environment as they are fast adapters who effortlessly learn and multitask at lightning speed.

This overlaps with Shaw’s Gemini Sun Placement. He may confuse MC sometimes with his personality and wit, but it’s nice to see MC adapt to it as well, because they have a lot to learn and grow from each other. He encourages MC to live life more boldly, while she teaches him to take things slower and be more aware of how his emotions and thoughts should work in harmony under special circumstances.

“He has no problem with the noise from rehearsals, and yet he can't stop criticising me for being noisy. He gets easily bored by things and yet he never gets tired on aimless strolls. Moreover, he always disagrees with me…” -Exciting Moment Date

MC: “Are you doing something illegal?”

Shaw: “What do you think?” Shaw looked at me playfully, and I could not help taking a step back vigilantly.

MC: “I'm a good law-abiding citizen and I won't be your accomplice!”

Shaw: “That's not up to you.”

-

MC: “Oh no! What should we do, what if we get caught!”

Shaw: “Nothing. Having a date at the police station should be a good experience.” -One-Day Date

Additionally, those reoccurring moments when he says that he had changed his mind also stems from the “twinning” aspect of Gemini in his thought process.

Shaw: “Give the cake and forks to me.”

MC: “Didn’t you say you didn’t want it?”

Shaw: “I changed my mind.” -Exciting Moments Date

Venus ♀︎ The planet Venus is ultimately the planet of love, beauty, wealth, our material things and what we do with all that sort of jazz. It’s the pleasures, our sentiments, what we do for leisure and what we value. Grace, charm, creativity, and entertainment are ruled by Venus. We can use this planet to see how we approach relationships of the heart, investigate our ability to attract and the attraction to others (or things).

Shaw's Venus is in Cancer ♋︎ These kinds of people are quite sensitive and insecure when it comes to love, with egos perhaps said to be a little bit undeveloped but have so much love, comfort, security, and care to offer. These aspects are emphasised for Cancers, who pay more attention to your feelings rather than said words. All they want is a safe, solid and secure relationship. They can be moody when it comes to love, though they are not afraid of emotional confrontations and to put their emotions on display when feeling it’s safe.

But once they are hurt, they will have a hard time forgiving. Pleasing them will involve a lot of sentimentality, as recognising their influences and attachments are from the family and home. When fearful of being rejected, they can resort to some frustrating tactics to find out how loved they are. Venus Cancers will want to be cared for, and in return their partner will be rewarded with a loving, dependable and patient lover.

Shaw puts up a front with his teasing and seemingly lack of interest to attend events with MC, though we can tell that he’s a very thoughtful and intuitive lover. Once he has allowed himself to internally address his feelings, he will use straightforward methods in how he communicates it to MC, again, strengthened by his Gemini placements. Additionally, Cancers will cling onto something or someone that is of value to them, because it evokes memories and emotions. In the same sense, if there is someone that Shaw has his eye on, he will inch closer to them, and will be unwilling to give them up once he has them.

I tried to reach out and pull him down while watching out for him, but he just took me by surprise and grabbed my hand instead. I quickly pressed down my skirt with the other hand. Probably realising something, his amber eyes widened slightly, then let go of me, with a low “tsk”. -Seeking Date

Shaw: “Why can’t you let that go?”

MC: Because I'm sick of you treating me like this. One time, you waited for me to get to the Live House to tell me that there was a change in venue, and there was also this one time when you- achoo!”

I pulled my jacket tighter around myself. Suddenly there was a rustle above my head and I found myself covered in a warm coat. Shaw stood up without a word as if he didn't hear me. Clad in a white shirt, he looked at once familiar and strange from behind.

Then I noticed his hand in the pocket. I was expecting him to conjure something for me like he did last time with the Dragonfly Eye. Before I could react, Shaw suddenly grabbed me by hand. With no gloves on, he tightly wrapped his slender fingers around my palm. I felt an unexpectedly soft and warm sensation.

MC: “Let go of me!”

Shaw: “No, I don’t want to.”

-

Shaw: “You've been asking questions about me all day. Do you really want to get to know me? Bring your ear closer. I can tell you all about myself.”

-Exciting Moments Date

His hand flew past my face and landed on the back of my head. With a slight jerk, he pulled me toward him. Our foreheads were then pressed together, and I felt the warmth of his forehead resting on mine, my breath on my skin, his unintentional touch, and his body pressed against mine. -Summer Night Birthday Date

“Do you like me? Yes or no?” -Unanswered Phone Call

Mars ♂︎ Mars is the go-getter planet. Full of fire and passion, nothing would be done without it. It can give insights on how we can chase our goals and what our desires and our plans of attack are. Aggressive behaviour, lust and anger fall under this planet.

Shaw's Mars is in Libra ♎︎ Mars Libras often reflect about the things they do before they act, needing to weigh out all the decisions first. They also can get easily caught up in defending themselves and others, as well as charming others to win others’ favour if needed. They wish to not be disturbed in their life or how they “operate”, going about with the desire to balance everything, with almost having a seemingly passive-aggressive approach to situations. Mars Libras know when to compromise and manage conflict, as well as predicting problems and discord well in advance. Libras will question themselves on how they can make the playing field more fair, intervening when necessary and when things aren’t. Shaw demonstrates this during his bus stop intervention when he first meets MC, on his dates with her, as well as his confrontation with Gavin.

“Don’t hesitate if you have already thought it through.”

-

MC: “What’s the matter?”

Shaw shrugged, lifted the corner of his lip, and looked at me, saying this firmly word by word.

Shaw: “Don’t forget that this is our punishment. Be a good loser.” -One-Day Date

“What are you laughing at? Stop it.” he reached out his hand, trying to mess up my hair. I quickly dodged backward and started laughing harder.

“Hey.”

A stunned look flashed Shaw’s eyes. Before he finished his sentence, I slipped and fell heavily backwards. He looked at me before a hint of schadenfreude appeared in his eyes. Then he said in a raised tone, “that's what you get for laughing too hard.”

He then sat down with me. I turned to him in confusion.

MC: “Why did you sit down when you’re supposed to help me up?”

Shaw: “Because I wanted to.” -Exciting Moments Date

Brutal gales whipped up gravel and rocked trees. A bolt of lightning split the sly, illuminating the two people locked in a standoff.

Gavin’s face was completely devoid of its former calm, and in its place was wrath. The man opposite Gavin squinted his eyes ever so slightly. He went wild with laughter, and an arrogant expression swept back over his face.

Shaw: “Well, we’re finally starting to get serious. It’s about time.”

Gavin: “I warned you! She’s off-limits.”

Shaw: “Are you threatening me?”

Gavin: “You aren’t worthy.”

The man lifted his eyebrow and slowed his speech purposefully.

Shaw: “Anyway, my objective has been reached. I don’t mind toying with you. But I don't know how long this girl you’re obsessed with has long to live...”

The two fought with increasing ferocity. The man was slowly losing ground. Then, the sky roared, and a white flame connected heaven and earth. The man was gone without a trace. -Chapter 11-24

Jupiter ♃ Jupiter is the largest planet, a gas giant, known to expand as the “benefactor” of our solar system. Everything it touches is basically blessed. It’s the good luck, confidence, joy, freedom and adventure that it gives to one’s being that it’s so well known for. Jupiter is where you seize your opportunities, take a leap of faith and count your blessings.

Shaw’s Jupiter is in Aquarius ♒︎ Shaw attracts the most good fortune when he’s tolerant and fair, cooperative and inventive, being different from society’s norms and standards. He values technology, people and personal freedom the most, desiring to display his unique skills and talents. He is open to new methods and eccentric ways to progress. We see this as he’s willing to share his knowledge with others, shown in the CN Creative Date and Summer Solstice Date, and when Shaw offers a hand to help MC by making her alias “Mary Sue” to help her successfully break into STF in later chapters. He also shows her the electricity firework he makes with his Evol, which fascinates MC enough for her to reach out and touch it.

I looked at Shaw's on the other side of the wall. The flaunting design was imposing, as if it was about to jump out at me the next second. Then I looked at my grinning rabbit, which seemed to be the clumsy work of a child.

-

In the gold and purple pattern, “SHAW” could be faintly recognised while a grinning rabbit stood at the top of the world. They actually seemed… quite in harmony? -One-Day Date

MC: “Is that the same MP4 player you had on the bus?”

Shaw: “Yes, someone gifted it to me a long time ago.” Emboldened by his straightforwardness, I couldn't help but move slower. -Exciting Moments Date

Floating on his palm was a sizzling firework giving off dazzling sparks. I was stunned by the sight. I couldn’t believe that Evol could do that. I reached out to touch it, but Shaw stopped me.

“Are you out of your mind? It’s charged with electricity.” -Summer Night Birthday Date

Saturn ♄ Saturn is the planet of karma, restrictions, life lessons, hard facts and the challenges in life. It governs structure, our fears, work and self-discipline. Saturn is cold and calculating, however once the challenges and lessons Saturn have been mastered, great wisdom with great rewards can be obtained.

Shaw's Saturn is in Aries ♈︎ Aries Saturns are highly resourceful coming up with fresh ideas for our goals. They don’t like showing weakness and need to be careful when limiting themselves due to fear of failure or making a poor decision. They’re very self- reliant because they rarely ask for help. They need to be shown that not “being first” is okay.

It’s proven that Shaw has a competitive side to him, seen in the CN Summer Solstice Date and his Rumours and Secrets, where Shaw refuses to give up and ends up doing dolphin flips on his skateboard in a match against a senior and wins after his first loss. In Accompanying Date, he acknowledges his embarrassing moments when he got caught skipping class, then reflects on them. We also see this as he flees his battle with Gavin when he almost loses.

Shaw: "I just remember winning. Don’t people at ten years old want to get swept away, win against everyone, and leave them far behind?" -CN Summer Solstice Date

Shaw: "The fence of the school was disagreed with by the elementary students. Back then, my skills weren’t refined yet. I got discovered by a teacher when I fell from it." While reminiscing, Shaw pouts unhappily. -CN Accompanying Date

The two fought with increasing ferocity. The man was slowly losing ground. Then, the sky roared, and a white flame connected heaven and earth. The man was gone without a trace. -Chapter 11-24

Uranus ♅ Wherever Uranus is in the chart, it’s where we want to break free, where we want to do things our own way, when you don’t care what everyone else is doing or thinking about. It’s where we express our ideals on freedom, innovation and experience great epiphanies. We strive for independence with the influence of the Uranus character. As a result, we learn to rebel, break traditions and authority. It shakes things up from our past and into the modern future. It is often associated with unpredictability, chaos and anarchy.

Shaw's Uranus is in Aquarius ♒︎ These people are interested in innovating, changing and updating traditions related to technology, community and individuality. They see freedom through or in these areas, and are ready to rebel if needed. Aquarius Uranus people are open to new ideas and free thought.

Shaw is no stranger to the concept of rebellion. He sneaks into places he shouldn’t be in, spray-paints graffiti, and helps MC access top-secret information in STF. His comments on history further outlines the unique outlook that he challenges with traditional views.

I looked around nervously, remembering that last time, we were chased by city police for street graffiti.

Shaw: “Don’t you want to come? Hurry up.”

MC: “Do you just do anything you like? Do you abide by no rules?” -One-Day Date

Shaw: “What do you think history is?” Student: Those historical relics you told us about just then!”

- Student: “If everything is history, how does one learn it?” Shaw: “There’s no need for an intention. It’s everywhere.” -CN Summer Solstice Date

Neptune ♆ Neptune is the inspirational planet of dreams, inspirations, soulmates, enlightenment and sacrifice. It’s all about connection with the universe and the world around you, however can have the polar effect of deception and illusion, along with disappearances of sorts. It can also govern your music tastes and influence on how you can inspire others.

Shaw’s Neptune is in Capricorn ♑︎ With this placement, his idealistic world will be based around realism, morality, and responsibility. He has to believe in the ground foundations of realisability of his dreams- enough so that it usually has a realistic thread about them. General optimism and faith will be lacking if he’s not doing something that he is passionate about and finds inspiration in. However, he has the capacity to change his practical dreams into reality the most. His influences and contributions come from his connection with Dark/MC, again with Mars in Libra, and is seen as a guide and spectator, though less passive than a Time Observer. It’s also clear that Shaw cares a lot for his music and his band. He even recognises a plagiarised song in one of his Rumours and Secrets.

“Playing with the band is just a hobby, so Shaw rarely creates something from scratch. He must have hidden things he wanted to say in his music, but never mentioned it to anyone.” -Summer Night birthday Date

Shaw: "No wonder these people didn’t realise it, they copied an unpopular song from the 80s. You should also improve your musical literacy so you wouldn’t be confused by these things." -CN Glacier Navigation Rumours and Secrets

My phone started buzzing in my outer coat pocket. I took it out and saw an unfamiliar number. A few moments of hesitation, I answered it. An unfamiliar voice came from the other end.

“Long time, no see. I’m sure you’re trying to guess who I am right now.” There was something in his voice that gave me a sense of déjà vu.

MC: “May I ask, what this is about?”

“I can’t just call you for no reason? Everyone has already forgotten you. You are officially someone who shouldn’t exist in this world.

MC: “Impossible! Just who are you, anyway?”

“Go see for yourself. For instance, at the place where it all started.” -Chapter 19-1

Outside the floor to ceiling window, a tall man with light purple hair was looking at me in the eye, an unmistakable smile on his lips. Who is this person? He waved at me and strove in the diner.

“Oh, here you are.” He greeted me with such familiarity, a few loose strands of hair fell over his forehead, softening his sharp eyes. His actions were swift and sure, giving me no time to interrupt. His face seemed so familiar but I can’t remember where I’ve seen it before.

MC: “Who are you?”

Hearing this, the young man’s brow raised, and the look of amusement flashed over his eyes.

“You don’t remember? You bumped my skateboard.”

MC: “Oh! We met on the bus. But how is it that you remember me?”

He didn’t answer me straight away. He just observed my expression with great interest, seemingly enjoying watching my reaction.

“I’m the one who called you. It’s me. The dream world has no effect on me.”

Pluto ♇ Pluto is the Lord of the Underworld, and is not to be messed around with. It’s responsible for great destructible transformations and corresponds to the life, death and rebirth cycle. It’s the detoxing planet, for you to awaken and be reborn. It shows us where we can change the world, alongside right where we can go into the abyss of the cunning and controlling energies of Pluto. Its powers can be ever so subtle, however it can have the forces to trash you with the realisations of what you need to let go in order to transform. Think of it as the “healing crisis” moments that you can thank Pluto for.

Shaw's Pluto is in Sagittarius ♐︎ They take beliefs and philosophy of life very seriously, more than most. They believe deeply in personal freedom and expression, questioning ideologies in place. They often watch for a tendency to move from one project to another, perhaps due to inhuman expectations. They are motivated and driven by the vision of a better world, therefore their faith in humanity is strong.

Shaw helps MC multiple times when she is in need, additionally supporting her beliefs and vision to save the world and everyone in it, like when she first entered the Winter World and helped her rescue the kidnapped children against her battle with Leto in the Chapter 34. He even gives her his necklace- the Dragonfly Eye in the end of Season 1 and wishes her well once they meet again.

Shaw: “Oh yeah, the other you is really funny. Today, she saved someone on the street. Did you use to do stuff like that too?”

Dark MC: “I’m not like her. I don’t do meaningless things like that. Stick to the plan.”

Shaw: “Oh? I’d thought you’d like this scene. What are you planning to do, anyway?”

Dark MC: “Why of course, I’m going to accept my place as QUEEN.” -Behind the Curtain Chapter 5

MC: “Shaw, what are you doing here? Where’s Leto?”

Another thunder flashes, Shaw’s face was reflected clearly and I saw him lift his eyebrow slightly.

Shaw: “You are so slow. Did you bring the notebook? Keep it and give it to me later.”

MC: “You haven’t answered why you are here.”

Shaw: “And I thought you were starting to get smarter. None of us can stay out of it now. If I don’t intervene, this world is finished.”

I would love to see more about Shaw’s background character and his upbringing as to why he had appeared a bit defensive in some dates. Poor Shaw :( Hopefully this study allowed you all to gain a deeper understanding of Shaw and his character, and to why he’s important in the main storyline and other events alike.

[lassieposting]

Ok...u got my attention...💘 for skuldugery and cassandra

OH BOY I GOT ONE

send me 💘 + A SHIP and i’ll tell you—

where they first met and how

Okay so when they first meet, it's way back before he met Skugwife, when he was on-again-off-again with China and Ghastly and making his way up the ranks in the Sanctuary army.

A dashing young officer with an impressive inheritance and a string of victories under his belt would've been prime 1600s marriage real estate. They meet at some Sanctuary party, dance together a bit, get along very well. Skug was already arrogant and vain, but he was also charming and funny, which was a bonus, and they were social equals - she's from a wealthy, landed family herself. She was interested in him and they were in each other's social circle from around his mid-20s to when he met Wifey and fell disgustingly in love, at which point she conceded defeat and let him go.

It's actually Gordon who brings them back into each other's lives in the 1980s. They've both changed a lot since they last saw one another and she's not really sure what to make of him. He's colder, more serious, and she knows he's lost...pretty much everyone. When she tells him to come by anytime, he's polite but detached and basically says that's not a good idea, so she doesn't expect to see much of him in the future. But he comes back some months later with a difficult case to ask if she's seen anything, and from that point on they work together sporadically, if she has any visions that might be useful to him.

how long their ‘flirting’ phase was before feelings got involved

They rekindle their flirtation after he comes back in Dark Days. He's not okay, not in the slightest, and she can see it. He's faking being okay, but he's overselling it. She knew him through the period where his mother was killed, and he tried to play that off the same way. He ends up driving out to her cottage at some ungodly hour of the early morning because he's falling apart and he doesn't really have anywhere else to go. she takes him in, sits with him until long after the sun comes up and lets him talk it out until he's dozing off where he's sitting.

By the War of the Sanctuaries, they're Together.

who fell for who first ( if applicable )

She was rather taken with him when they first met. She liked to think of herself as the future Mrs Captain Pleasant. He was attracted to her, but also otherwise entangled and considerably less invested.

When they get back together, it's more. Falling in love at the same time.

where their first date was and what it was like

They've spent a lot of time together, usually at her cottage, already. But he gets it into his head he wants to take her on an actual date, and she's a homebody, so he decides to make her dinner. It's kind of a disaster because he hasn't had to cook anything in hundreds of years - he follows a recipe, but he still manages to burn it and get food absolutely everywhere with the electric whisk. He's pretty frustrated and upset that he ruined it, but she finds it hilarious, and they end up cuddling on the couch with takeout and a movie.

who asks who out and how ( with a sign? spelled out on a cake? just a simple ‘will you go out with me’? )

She gives him a key. She prefaces it with a big speech about how it doesn't have to mean anything, he just spends so much time there that he might as well be able to let himself in, and she wants him to have somewhere he really feels safe and comfortable and her place can be that for him if he wants, and -

He kisses her mid-speech, so she never gets to finish it.

who proposes first

He does. She'd never bring up marriage to him, when she knows how his first one ended. She can't be completely sure he's done grieving his first love, and she doesn't want to hurt him, so it's better not to bring it up.

if they keep / kept their relationship secret or let everyone know right away

It's not a secret at all. Valkyrie still goes nearly a decade without noticing.

where the proposal happens and how ( kiss cam at a baseball game? on a hillside surrounded by ducks? at a disney park? )

They're in bed together first thing in the morning. He doesn't remember the last time he was this relaxed and happy. He watches her wake up and she cuddles closer into him with the squinty morning-sun-in-your-face look and he never thought he'd love this much again and it just. Comes out.

who’s more dominant

Neither, really. They're very much a team. She tempers his recklessness, and he gives her a nudge out of her comfort zone. She has the same ability Wifey had, though, to wrangle him without ever letting on that she's doing it.

where their first kiss was and what it was like

He was totally drained after unloading a year's worth of torture on her post-Dark Days, and she was trying to comfort him. It doesn't lead anywhere - she puts him to bed on her couch and stays with him so he feels safe enough to switch off and sleep.

if they have any matching couples stuff ( mugs? sweaters? pillowcases? )

She buys him a hideous Christmas sweater the first year they're officially together, but has yet to successfully bully him into wearing it.

how into pda they are

They're your average couple. If she drops in on him at the Sanctuary, she'll kiss him goodbye. He'll put his arm around her when they're walking, or let her hold his hand. But neither of them is an exhibitionist.

who holds the umbrella when it rains

He does. He could easily just redirect the rain, but she likes nature stuff and that includes getting soaked through on occasion, kissing him in the rain, and splashing through puddles.

where their usual ‘date spot’ is ( if applicable )

Her cottage, more often than not. He'll happily take her out whenever she wants to, but she's a homebody at heart and she's more fond of going for long walks in the countryside near her home or cooking together, watching old movies, that sort of thing.

who’s more protective

Him, by a million miles. She doesn't necessarily like the amount of violence in his life, but to her he's very much the capable soldier who can look after himself. But she is a pacifist and very into the hippie ideology, so especially after the Night of Knives, she relies on him to protect her. He knows damn well that the only reason he didn't lose her the same night Finbar died is because he just happened to be sleeping over and the would-be assassin got more than he bargained for.

how long it is before they sleep together ( can be as in ‘had sex’ or as in ‘shared a bed’ )

Probably circa KOTW? It can't have been Death Bringer, or he'd have asked her to the Requiem Ball.

if they argue about anything

Not often. She's one of the most emotionally healthy people in this series, and she's the closest Skulduggery Pleasant has ever gotten to therapy. She's all about communication and talking it out.

who leaves more marks ( lipstick, hickeys, scratchmarks etc. )

Skug.

who steals whose clothes and how often

She steals his jackets and coats. She'll wear something just a little too light for the weather, so that he'll inevitably offer her his suit jacket. It's an old way of courting that she finds very endearing.

how they cuddle ( spooning? facing each other? )

what their favourite nonsexual activity is

They bring out the Old Person in each other. They like to go for long walks, and picnics, and dancing to old gramophone records. They read books and bicker about how much they did or didn't enjoy them. She likes to garden and paint, and he's not half bad at art either, so they'll paint each other and laugh about it.

how long they stay mad at each other

They don't. They argue very little in the first place, but Cassie is very communicative, so she usually manages to head off any potential arguments before they even start.

what their usual coffee / tea orders are

She has hot chocolate, and he has his black.

if they ever have any children together

No - but if he was ever going to have children with anyone else, it should probably be Cassie. She's sensible, level-headed and emotionally healthy, so he could be the same loving-but-irresponsible dad he was with Skugbab.

if they have any special pet names for each other

She's "Cassie" and he's usually "sweetheart" or "lovey".

what their shared living space is like ( messy? clean? what kind of decor? )

He "moves into"/spends most of his time at her little hippie hobbit hole, so nothing matches, tapestries everywhere, Interesting™ colour schemes, fuckin...crystals and tarot cards and witchy shit everywhere. They both have to make some compromises ("You don't bug me about making the bed and I won't play the banjo in the shower")

what their first christmas / hanukkah / etc as a couple was like

Very inappropriate to talk about at parties.

He's a Christmas grouch, but he did get two days off work, so they basically spent the entire time eating, fucking or fast asleep.

what their names are in each other’s phones

She's just "Cassie" but that makes her one of the few people in his phone not to be "Firstname Lastname". He's "SP".

if they have any ‘couple traditions’ ( buying a new mug for their collection every year? baking every friday evening? )

They can never really make plans for set days or times because of his incredibly erratic work schedule, but they make time every week to just spend time together. Unless the world is ending, which it usually does at least once a year.

who falls asleep first and who wakes up first

She falls asleep first at a sensible hour, and wakes up when he gets in. If she sleeps through him coming home, he'll stay up for an hour or two to work on a case, but if he wakes her, he'll go straight to bed and she'll go back to sleep with him holding her.

After the Night of Knives, she gets very anxious and stressed about being alone, especially when she hears the door open. So he'll call and wake her when he's leaving the Sanctuary, so that she knows to expect him home, and he's at the end of the phone any time she wants to get hold of him.

who’s the big spoon / little spoon

He's the big spoon like 70% of the time, but she's not opposed to letting him be the little spoon at all. Even the strongest general sometimes needs a good snuggle.

who hogs the bathroom

Cassie likes to take a book into the bath and spend hours in there. He'll come in and out as he pleases and sometimes do her hair for her or swipe bubbles on her nose.

who kills the spiders / takes them outside

Skug. This is, apparently, one of the greatest benefits to having him around all the time. He's glad she's comfortable enough with him to be honest that she's using him for his spider removal skills.

[boop-le-snoot]

PARTY FAVOURS I CHAPTER 31

First time reader click here

it's a mental breakdown *off-key kazoo*. One (1) incident of physical abuse from a parent. And Stephen Strange arc begins opening. Kind of angsty, but more of a filler chapter to resolve the parents-suck thing.

A couple of days was all it took for me to get back on my feet... Figuratively speaking. Neither Bruce nor Tony was particularly excited about me being up and about, I was carried to my desired destination point by one or the other on most occasions. Physically, my body grew tired very easily - I took a lot of sporadic naps throughout the day, more often than not falling asleep in someone's arms. Nobody minded, really - even Loki, who wasn't a touchy-feely person by any means, relented and acted as a body pillow for me when we crashed on the common room couch to catch up with the TV show episodes I'd missed.

Tony was very obviously on the verge of a nervous breakdown. During the few hours I had spent being chased by the Cursed Box Demon in my nightmares, all the leads towards the contractor proved to be cold. Natasha was the most irritated of them all - a late-night talk with Clint through the vent above my room revealed that she took it as a personal insult, unprepared for a simple merc to be so good at evading the world's most notorious spy.

Hulk kept taking over Bruce's body - eyes shining fluorescent green - at the times we were together, periodically clutching me to his chest with clumsy but careful movements. I pitied the mercenary should he encounter my gentle scientist - I didn't think Bruce would even attempt to hold back Mean Green. They seemed to have achieved some sort of symbiosis those days, switching between the two personalities in one body almost effortlessly. Circumstances aside, I was very happy that the tension and the persistent internal conflict inside Bruce had almost disappeared.

What made me upset was Strange. The sorcerer was behaving, well, strangely. He began avoiding all of us - his excuses of helping the search for the merc were flimsy, and Wong's long, deep sigh, when asked about the sorcerer's state of mind, spoke volumes. I suspected Stephen was either seething with anger or drowning himself in the sea of guilt; I had a hunch he was similar to Tony in a way that he hid his vulnerability behind an impenetrable wall of malice and sarcasm and dry wit.

Perhaps I was wrong. But the pent up frustration resulting from the conflict between my overactive brain and my uncooperative body had to blow - and my mother was the fire to my already short fuse. Somehow, she got ahold of the information that I was hurt indirectly because of the actions of the Avengers - and she had called the first available phone she found, which meant Pepper Potts got an earful of vitriol regarding Stark Industries, SHIELD, Tony, and everyone else, including my father. Stoic as she was, Pepper took it all with grace, replying politely to my mother until she hung up on the redhead.

Pepper placed an urgent call to Coulson immediately after that, making the already uncomfortable situation spiral into something truly disgraceful. It ended with strict orders for me to return home - not that anyone besides me and Coulson knew about it. I was a legal adult, I could choose to stay in the tower and my mother was told so on numerous occasions... Knowing her, I was well aware she wouldn't be above storming Tony's home with a small army of her lawyer friends.

Inwardly seething, melting with the anger sitting in the pit of my stomach like a sharp piece of ice, I managed to convince Tony to have Happy escort me home at the guise of gathering more necessities. Tony, being Tony, offered me to buy anything and everything I needed, but relented under my puppy-eyed pleading. It was getting harder and harder to lie to any of my men, the weight of it settling unpleasantly bitter on top of my already foul mood.

Happy grumbled in displeasure at being tailed by a nondescript black SUV - I knew SHIELD would have eyes on me 24/7 now, at least until they catch the rogue mercenary - but seemed to be happy at my general state of relative wellness in his own... Happy... way. Five-second side-grin and "Glad you're up and about, Princess," was probably the most I was going to get from the man who's nickname contradicted his personality. In my humble opinion, he should've been called Brick instead. He was built like a shit house, too.

The moment I stepped into the living room, wearing Wanda's spare sweats and Tony's hoodie, I took a slow look around the room and immediately knew this was it. Most of my anger had receded, courtesy of finally being able to get out of the tower and do something, but the ice in my stomach persisted. The smell of whiskey and cigarettes hit me like a wall, news playing on the TV doing very little to dissolve the viscid, tense silence.

"Sit down," My mother instructed me in the tone of voice she used on people in the courtroom - convicts, people who knowingly broke NDAs.

"I don't think so," I replied, refusing to give in to her bullying. I was being absolutely reckless, I knew it, and still it didn't stop me from standing up for my men. Logically speaking, it could have happened to me anyway, Avengers or not. The cursed box came along long before I'd even met Peter Parker or any of his rag-tag superhero friends.

"Fine," She turned around, steely eyes leveled on me. I was but a speck of dirt under her nails - for the first time in my life, I felt terrified of my mother. I knew what she was capable of. "Listen well, daughter of mine. I'm going to only repeat myself once," She started in that deceptively calm tone of hers. "You are to stop mingling with Stark and his... Company. Immediately. I do not want to hear any more of that Parker boy, either. You will not destroy your future and our family's legacy over some fling with a man twice your age. This little game has gone long enough and it's time for you to get back to reality."

The more she spoke, the higher my eyebrows rose. I was supposed to take orders from my own mother now? Something thin, something thin and crackling with electricity within me just snapped - like a live wire. The hairs on my nape stood up, goosebumps appearing all over my skin. "And what if I do not?" I asked, just as quietly.

I was not prepared for her reaction. One second, she was sitting on the couch and the other - my cheek was burning and my mother was standing over me, breathing the stench of alcohol and tobacco right in my face. I saw the whites of her eyes. "Then you are no daughter of mine. I did not raise you to be someone's cumrag and all this play-pretend scientist shit had to have ended in middle school. I hoped you'd grow up but apparently, you insist on being a baby," She was full-on screaming in my face, so rabid she was shaking.

All I could think of was... How wrong she was. How wrong she would be, her sad little world broken when she finds out just exactly how much I'm capable of. Long gone were the days where I timidly questioned my scientific contributions; thanks to my men - the same men she'd hated so much - I knew my value. I knew I could achieve the things that I wanted.

"If that is your choice, you have thirty minutes to get your shit and get lost. I will not have a whore of a daughter living under my roof," I had missed a good part of her rant; most likely, it consisted of nothing but meaningless insults anyway. After she'd finished, she gave me a shove towards the stairs.

It didn't bother me as much as it should, I think. My cheek smarted and somewhere deep inside, I knew that the eerie calm that had settled over me wasn't normal - on the surface, I felt only relief. The things I suspected all along, finally came to light - she didn't even perceive me as a human being, I was no more than a means to her end. A tool. A thing.

The waterworks started when I frantically shoved most of the shit I could fit in my three suitcases. Upset as I was, my scatterbrain did me a favor that time and I gathered most of the important things. Notebooks full of my research - projects that my mother had called a child's game, projects that could be patented in a week, add a tweak or two. With sudden clarity, I realized I needed none of her money. None of her... At all. In short, I was emotionally all over the place and at the end of it... None of it made sense.

I threw the credit cards with her name on them on the coffee table as I hauled out my suitcases, not sparing the bitch a glance. She was equally quiet, boring into my back with those steely eyes of hers. I felt my skin peel under her stare. In my distraught state, hauling and dumping the suitcases in my car was quick work. Detaching the house key and tossing the last things that connected me to her house on the floor at her feet was a spur of the moment decision; my mother was right, to some extent, and I still had childish tendencies. "You had no right to call yourself my mother in the first place. All you were was an egg donor with more money than you could make sense of. Enjoy your hoard, you damned dragon," I seethed, seeing her frozen in place with her arms crossed and chin held high.

Some part of me hoped she would apologize. That naïve, childish part - I knew my mother and I knew myself, and the trait that we shared was stubbornness. I sped out of the estate without ever looking back, driving aimlessly for a while until the honking coming from drivers around me began reaching alarming levels of volume; tears began flowing down my face at some point, all but obscuring my vision. I parked in the nearest place I could find, in front of a Waffle House out of all places.

Crying in a Waffle House parking lot, how pathetic was that. Logically, I knew at least five people had my back: Tony and Bruce, who surprisingly loved me back; Loki, who had become strangely clingy after my declaration - clingy in the best way. Together with Wanda and Peter, they made my heart warm and my eternally racing brain feel calm and safe.

I called my dad, he didn't pick up. I don't know what I expected of the man, but any and all remnants of my respect for him shattered, breaking into tiny little pieces as I helplessly banged my fists against the steering wheel in a fit of desperate rage. One look in the mirror and my already ashen complexion was made worse by red, puffy eyes and the blooming bruise on my cheek where my mother had slapped me. It was the first time she'd laid a hand on me; I wanted to throw up.

I sat in the car until my breathing slowed; completely and utterly clueless as to what to do. I had no home of my own, three suitcases worth of clothes and research that was useless without a lab to run experiments in, my car, and a small trust fund in my name. The recent incident with the curse box had left me mentally drained as it was, now, I could surely say that my head was empty: no thoughts.

And throughout it all, Stephen's avoidance crossed my mind. As if the self-loathing wasn't enough, as if my own blood, the people who were supposed to care for me, rejecting and ignoring me wasn't strong enough of a blow... The sorcerer's avoidance raised more anger within me. I didn't know why but the thought of him made me want to cry and seethe once again.

Logic gone out of the window, I typed in the Sanctum's address into my GPS with shaking fingers, figuring that if he wasn't willing to do the legwork, I will come to him myself and clarify things for all at once. The mixed signals were just a cherry on top of my sky-high problem sundae.

I banged on the door and it flew open immediately, a surprised sorcerer quickly turning concerned and panicky, noticing my general state of appearance. I was still wearing the same clothes and my hair was in disarray, my face looking somewhere between a coke bender and a manic episode.

"You," I stated darkly, taking a deep breath. "You need to tell me what the fuck is wrong with me and reject me, so I can move on already. And you," I poked the man in the chest, right above the fancy eye-shaped necklace, "Need to stop it with the mixed signals. Stop wallowing in self-pity. Whatever you are doing, STOP IT," My voice involuntarily raised in pitch from all those emotional rollercoasters I've been on that day. "Get back to being normal. Let me fucking live," I finished my tirade as the man stared at me, frozen and open-mouthed.

"I..." He stammered, eyeing me with concern. "What in the multiverse happened to you? What..?" He was so confused, pulling out his phone the moment I bailed my fists.

"My mother threw me out, my father doesn't give a fuck about me, apparently I'm a cheap whore with delusions of grandeur. You're avoiding me and everybody is waiting for me to blow up," I screeched, all but vibrating in my spot. "This is me blowing up. I want answers!" I demanded.

Strange recoiled from me, frowning and pocketing his phone. A deep sigh left him, the kind that made his whole body sag. He ran a careful hand through his hair before looking away and slowly pulling me against his chest, the door shutting behind me and keeping the cold out. I hadn't even noticed I was freezing; my feet were wet from the NYC winter slush and mud.

Stephen's embrace was warm and tender; I wanted to lean into it and push him away at the same time. I was so messed up, it was embarrassing. There was nothing acceptable about this situation - I felt guilty as soon as his face fell.

"Jesus Christ, baby," He mumbled quietly. "Sounds like you had one hell of a day. Let's go, I'll put on some tea," He rubbed soothing circles on my back, something that confused me - I just had stormed in and dumped a bucket of bile right on top of his head.

"I should go," I mumbled, yet had no real strength to move away from him.

"You're not going anywhere. I suppose I need to explain myself, too," He sighed, and despite his obvious discomfort, picked me up, letting my limbs to wrap around his torso like a monkey. I was careful to keep my weight off his hands, even if the trip to the fireplace room was short. As soon as I was placed onto the couch and my shoes were removed, Cloaky drifted over from a dark corner, urging me to take off my soggy hoodie, and wrapped itself tightly around me.

Turns out, semi-sentient cloaks were quite warm.

THE TAG LIST IS NOW OPEN! @another-stark-sub ​ @mostly-marvel-musings  @vozit ​ @littlegasps ​ @pilloclock ​ @shereadsinquiet @downeyreads ​ @hermione-grangers-wife ​ @individualistfem ​ @sleep-i-ness @capbrie @lillsxd @agustdowney @dee-vn @justanotherblonde23 @fanngirl19 @persephonehemingway @softie-socks @schemefrenzy @letsby @cutenessloading @romeo-the-cactus @jelly-fishy-babie @mikariell95

[itmighthavebeenintentional]

Shadows And Pills - 1

Summary: Some people come away from the Battle of New York with scars and broken bones. Some come away with nightmares and years of therapy ahead of them. Some don’t come away at all. Alexa comes away with a shadow.

18+ ONLY, MINORS DO NOT PROCEED

Warnings: RAPE, Torture, Abuse, Self Harm, Negative Images of Psychological Services/Mental Health Professionals, Hallucinations, Stalking, Supernatural Horror, Prescription Drug Use and Eventual Abuse, Mental Illness, PTSD, Flashbacks of Violence, Flashbacks of Tragedy, Starving Oneself, Isolation, Physical and Mental Exhaustion, Denial, Self Neglect, Gaslighting, Mental Spiraling, Mental and Emotional Abuse

18+ ONLY, MINORS DO NOT PROCEED

Author’s Note: This is not a happy story in any sense, at any point. I could only write this at my lowest places, emotionally and mentally speaking, and I had a hard time coming back from it. This is dark, and it does not at any point get lighter. I relied heavily on my own experiences with mental struggles and took a few pieces here and there from my own experiences with mental health professionals. MY EXPERIENCES ARE MY OWN AND ARE NOT TYPICAL, NOT EVEN FOR ME. If you need mental help of any kind, please DO NOT HESITATE TO REACH OUT TO GET IT. This story was an exercise in mental exorcism, in a sense.

For all the Loki lovers out there, I do not shine him anything like a good or redeeming light here. He is evil incarnate, more or less. I love Loki, I love good Loki and redeemed Loki and misunderstood Loki and just about every incarnation thereof. I needed a villain, and he fit the story.

Above all, please be kind. This was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever written, and it took me years to work up the courage to post it. If you have any questions, please feel free to message me or send me an ask.

Thank you to @thoughtslikeaminefield and @glassjacket . I would not have made it through this story and would honestly not be here today with the two of you. I will never be able to tell you how much you mean to me.

18+ ONLY, MINORS DO NOT PROCEED

Word Count: 1 - 3785; 2 - 3513; 3 - 1068

In Case You Missed It: ItMightHaveBeenIntentional’s Masterlist

...

Shadows and Pills

1

Some people come away from the Battle of New York with scars and broken bones. Some come away with nightmares and years of therapy ahead of them. Some don’t come away at all.

Alexa comes away with a shadow.

In the weeks following the disaster, the public equally lauds and decries the Avengers, but while their opinions are divided over the heroes, the villain is universally denounced as nothing short of Satan himself, and the city throws an actual celebration the day Thor takes Loki back to Asgard to face the justice of their people.

Alexa, having not turned on her television since the day she got home from the hospital, ignores the boisterous celebrants and goes about her shopping, earbuds firmly in place, frown lines now permanently etched between her eyes and around her pinched lips.

“Routine will help you through some of the worst days,” her therapist tells her during one session. “Something familiar and safe to retreat to when the flashbacks are the worst. Just give it a try,” he adds at her disbelieving grimace.

And so she sets a routine.

Morning Routine: wake up. Ignore alarm, lie in bed an extra thirty minutes or so. Shower. Pretend to eat breakfast. Take meds (this one she never skips or shirks). Find something to wear. Stare at it for another ten minutes. Eventually get dressed. Contemplate keys for another fifteen minutes. Leave the goddamned apartment already.

Her routine has varying results, although she does admit to her therapist that life is marginally more bearable with the routine than without.

“It’s nice to have something to look forward to for the next day.”

Her therapist can’t quite hide his grimace at her flat, deadened tone, but she’s not being sarcastic or rude. She finds that going to bed at night is a trifle easier when she knows what’s going to happen the next day.

“So, who are we up to today?” the doctor asks, switching the subject with awkward abruptness. It’s been six weeks since Hell came to New York, and during their twice-weekly meetings, her therapist suggests going through each of the people she saw die in front of her that day, to get closure...or say goodbye...or something.

Sometimes Alexa wonders whether he just wants to hear the details for his own perverse pleasure.

“Brenda.”

Alexa robotically begins to list the personal details she knows...knew...about her floor manager. Unlike the mail room intern she discussed at their last meeting, the list for Brenda goes on for a while. She’s worked with Brenda since she started at the company, learning most of what she knows about her current job from the woman.

Brenda was kind, sharply intelligent, and mothering to everyone under her supervision, and yet she did it in a way that didn’t make anyone uncomfortable. She balanced work and a family long and well enough to both receive regular promotions within the company and also, very recently, become a new grandmother.

The backs of Alexa’s eyes sting as she remembers the photo Brenda showed her not twenty minutes before part of the building collapsed on top of half the department. Her jaw locks as the scene plays before her eyes again, the explosions and shrieks of metal drowning out the shrieks of the people only five feet away.

She closes her eyes, but there’s no pause button to freeze the scene, no power button to shut the images off as she turns in her memory and runs, making it to the stairwell and slamming the door open, turning back and screaming for Brenda, straining her eyes through the smoke and dust and mountains of falling debris. Brenda is running, reaching for Alexa even though she seems miles away, and then one of the file cabinets is thrown over, propelled faster and harder than should be possible, and...and…

And then Brenda isn’t running anymore. Her outstretched hand, the only part of her that wasn't crushed by office furniture, spasms against the ruined carpet, as if it thinks it’s reached its destination and is grasping at its savior.

Alexa’s hand tingles, and her fingers lock into her palm, nails fitting easily into the little grooves she dug there weeks ago. No blood, she only dug that deep once, but the furrows remain as permanently etched there as the frown lines on her face.

Alexa struggles to take in a labored breath as her therapist watches her with the appropriate amount of professional, clinical sympathy and detachment.

“Do your counting,” he reminds her.

How could she forget? She counts to three once, letting a breath out at the end. She repeats the process twice more, ignoring her therapist’s brief flash of annoyance at her departure from his “system.” But, for once, he doesn’t ask her why she has to deviate from the standard one-to-ten method and just lets her do the goddamned counting in peace.

Small blessings.

“Have you had any flashbacks since our last session?”

She stares at him, letting her gaze rest heavy and disbelieving as she turns his question over. She’s been averaging about five flashbacks a day, triggered by everything from accidentally brushing a stranger on the sidewalk (Jim knocking past her to get down the stairs just as the door on the stairwell behind her explodes inward; more shrieking, then falling, then dark) to lifting a carton of cold milk from the shelf at the grocery (that impossibly cold hand grasping hers, pulling her up from the rubble, bringing her face to face with...something...something in the...shadows, it was so dark there, and…).

“Yeah. I’ve had some flashbacks since our last session.”

“What sort of coping strategies did you use?”

He’s not even meeting her eyes now, just getting notes down on that damned pad. The scratching of his pen grates into her bones, and Alexa grits her teeth as she glares.

One, two, three.

Breathe.

One, two, three.

Breathe.

One, two, three.

Breathe.

She slowly recites the list of strategies he suggested during a previous session, none of which have proven particularly effective at lessening the frequency of the episodes, but most of which she grudgingly admits provide some slight relief afterwards and allow her to refocus her mind on the present rather than dwelling in the memory.

“And the shadows?”

How can he get this wrong every time when he’s taking all those fucking notes?

“Still just the one.”

“Has it manifested in any other way? Asked you to do anything? Do you feel different in any way when you notice it?”

There’s a distasteful eagerness to his words that always turns Alexa’s stomach, and she has to physically bite into her tongue to keep from asking what kind of bonus he gets for each symptom she shows of different mental illnesses.

“It’s just there sometimes. I..” She hesitates, feeling vaguely nauseated from his questions, but she has to be honest, right? Because, ultimately, it’s his job to help her, and she’s never going to get through this by hiding symptoms. He can’t help fix her if he doesn’t know what’s broken, and he did suggest the routine, so, okay, he gets a pass for this one.

“I still mostly only see it before I’m falling asleep. I’ve started seeing it in the late afternoon, as well, not often, but sometimes. Always in shadows that are already there. It doesn’t talk or anything, doesn’t really have any face or form except for vaguely person-shaped, but it...it watches me. And it’s...denser than it was last week. More...it’s thicker than it was, like when you see wispy clouds kind of...gather and turn into storm clouds?”

He nods, his pen whizzing over the legal pad he records their session notes on. “So, you feel threatened by the shadow? Like it’s storm clouds gathering to...what? It feels menacing?”

But, like most of the questions Alexa fences in this office, this one isn’t easily answered.

“It feels like it’s watching me, waiting for something. I don’t know what. I don’t...I don’t know if it’s menacing, exactly. Like, it feels potentially dangerous, but I can’t tell if it’s for me. I don’t know. It’s just...darker and more there this week, but it doesn’t do anything, and I don’t feel different, and it doesn’t speak to me. I. Don’t. Hear. Voices.”

She clips off each word at the end of her rant separately and precisely, repeating her counting in her head, and she forces her breathing to even out. The doctor is just doing his job, he’s just trying to help, he’s supposed to ask these questions, it’s how he helps-

“Hmm. I’ll have to consider that between now and our next meeting. In the meantime, go ahead and move up to the next dosage step with your meds, keep it on the escalating schedule we set.”

You set, she thinks mutinously for a moment before internally shaking her head. She nods, biting her tongue once more. She’s going to have a permanent indentation there as well, at this rate.

“Any side effects? Itching, swelling, difficulty breathing? Any unreasonable lethargy or detachment?”

“I mean...I don’t really have anything to attach to at this point, so…”

He frowns at her again, and she wonders if he’s going to crank up her dosage two notches instead of one.

“Are you having what you feel are typical emotional responses to everyday stimuli? Have you laughed or smiled at anything yet? How long has it been since you emotionally felt anything besides the frustration and panic?”

And, somehow, this question is difficult, too. She struggles through, trying to find a balance between honesty and not making herself look like a complete failure who can't function in life. She doesn’t help her case when she admits she hasn’t followed many of his suggestions beyond establishing a routine.

“Not even exercising?” he asks, his disappointment palpable.

When she silently shakes her head, her lips pinched tight against his disapproval, he shakes his head with a sigh that sings of ultimate betrayal. Instead of berating her as usual, the doctor frowns and looks down at his notes, considering them silently. He clicks his tongue against his teeth for a moment before switching over to end-session mode, robotically delivering his closing remarks, his typical reminders to keep her meds on a strict schedule at the exact time every day, to avoid all alcohol and unprescribed drugs, to keep her diet as clean and unprocessed as possible, and to get plenty of exercise. Even this last bit is delivered with a sharply clinical detachment, as if she has driven him to the brink of her own psychoses by stubbornly refusing to accept his help.

There is a short, silent moment between them where they refuse to look at each other, the doctor perusing his notes once more while Alexa examines the wrinkles creased into her jeans from lack of folding. The doctor flips pages over in his legal pad and slaps the cover shut sharply, breaking the standoff with one last, dismissive comment.

“Routine, Alexa. Stick to the routine. If it’s what brings you comfort, if that's the one thing you’re taking away from these sessions that actually helps, then stick with it. I’ll see you Thursday afternoon.”

….

Her afternoons vary, according to her therapy schedule. Her sessions take roughly an hour and a half, so that’s one block of time she doesn’t have to try and fill. On the days she isn’t having her skull cracked open, she can sometimes force herself to work on the files her company sends her way. Grunt work, brainless stuff that any first-year intern could do, but it keeps her on the payroll and covered by health insurance until the doctor clears her to return to the office.

Not that there’s an office to return to yet.

Grocery shopping for food she’ll pretend to eat later, making excuses to stay out of the apartment a little longer each day, watching the shadows of the buildings grow darker and longer until the sunlight disappears from the streets.

And the other shadow, the darkest of all, thick and solid against the brick and stone, pacing her, keeping track as she wanders through the broken city blocks. Sometimes she walks a little faster, pretends to not notice the black spot. Sometimes she pretends it’s keeping her company. With the most conversation she’s had in weeks taking place in her therapy sessions, she occasionally finds the imaginary company of her shadow stalker to be more pleasant than menacing.

Occasionally.

Eventually, though, she and her chimerical companion head back to the silent, encroaching walls of her apartment to begin the night routine.

…

Night Routine: laundry. Pretend to eat dinner. Shower. Finish laundry. Clean already clean kitchen. Another shower (on the bad days, the ash and debris won’t wash off). Rearrange already arranged closet. Braid hair. Take meds, do not skip, no matter how much they screw up her sleep, because they help. They do. Settle into bed. Stare at the wall. Adjust pillows. Re-settle. Stare at the shadow. Start to drift off, slide into a flashback, scream back to full consciousness. Watch the shadow. Doze. Awaken from a fucked up nightmare she can only partially remember. Repeat ad nauseum.

Really, if Alexa could just skip the nights and go straight into morning, that’d be great. Mornings are tedious but tolerable. Afternoons are blurry and tense, especially therapy days, but nights…

Nights just won't shut down.

The drugs are partially responsible, the doctor has told her multiple times. The medicine can either make sleeping more difficult, or it can act like a sedative, dragging and holding her down. Honestly, she’s getting kind of mixed results. It’s difficult to stay awake, easy to slip under, but then she can’t stay asleep for very long, jerking back to consciousness in something close to full panic, unable to figure out if it’s the drugs or the dreams that’s pushing her to the edge.

Because the fucked up dreams...well, that’s all on her and her broken brain. She stopped bringing up the dreams in therapy after the first couple of weeks of sessions. The doctor seemed hell bent on steering Alexa towards the possibility that she was experiencing waking hallucinations, but there’s no way she could possibly be awake for all this shit. Maybe some of the flashbacks, but not…

Not…

Her brain isn’t that broken.

No. No, she can tell from the way she jerks to consciousness afterwards, she knows she’s asleep. Yeah, she’s unstable and has flashbacks, but she’s not delusional. They’re dreams.

Every night.

About…

Something.

Okay, sometimes she can remember. Sometimes the meds dull her down so much she forgets what day it is, but sometimes she can hold on to a detail or two. Cold, slender fingers, impossibly strong. A flash of bright blue that sends nausea racing through her entire body (who knew your toes could feel nauseated?) or a glimpse of bottle green that, conversely, thrills her to her soul. A smooth, velvet voice that penetrates every layer of her being, down to the deepest recesses. Darkness descending...a sense of dreadful awe…

And sometimes she can remember every unhinged detail with a terrifying clarity that she will never even consider mentioning to the therapist. Not if she likes her jacket sleeves to fit properly.

There’s honesty, and then there’s idiocy.

The shadow is larger tonight. Taller, a little broader, definitely denser. She would say looming, even, but it’s not quite that large.

Not quite.

She stares at it openly, no longer trying to avoid acknowledging its presence. What's the point? The doctor knows about it, and it’s not like she’s talking to it. She’s not that far gone yet. And she hasn't lied to the doctor, either. The shadow does watch her, like it’s waiting, gathering. Convalescing. But it hasn't ever talked to her.

She does not hear voices.

She yawns and rolls her shoulders, left then right, sliding a little lower in bed, searching for a cooler place between the sheets. Movement catches her eye, and she looks up as the shadow shifts, leaning left then right, and seems to…

Grow?

No, it’s never moved before. She’s pretty sure she’s never seen it move, but now it pulses and raises up, stretching-

No. No. Sourceless shadows don’t move. They don’t grow, they don’t shift, they don’t-

The shadow stretches upwards abruptly, definitely looming now, and Alexa hits the wall behind the bed, scrambling backwards in a blind panic as she realizes the shadow isn’t growing.

It’s coming closer.

Her breathing speeds up, but her limbs are heavy and dull with narcotic stupor. The foot of her bed darkens as the shadow creeps even closer, and she opens her mouth to protest, to scream, to say something, but her tongue is numb and stupid with the acrid, coppery tang of fear and pharmaceuticals, and she hates, hates this kind of dream where she can’t speak, can't move and she can barely breathe, and...and…

The shadow reaches out, stretches over her foot and slides up her calf in a clammy, viscous caress that tightens on her knee and pulls her several inches down the bed as her throat closes.

Do not shrink from Me. It is not your fear I crave, but your adoration. Come to Me, allow yourself to move past the fear and embrace what I wish to grant you.

Horror, deep and instinctual, floods her veins. Alexa feels the voice more than hears it, and it awakens an ancient fear that finally, though futilely, awakens her drugged limbs. She claws at her sheets uselessly as the shadow moves over her, a freezing oil slick that oozes against her skin as if her blankets and clothes weren’t even there, sending shivers to the very marrow of her bones as her gorge rises, and she chokes on the bile that singes the back of her throat. She can’t fight, can’t move against this intangible force, but neither will her terror let her sink past the fear to blissful unawareness.

Give over. Let go of your stubborn fear that tethers you to this useless reality. Allow Me entrance, and I will grant you the relief you seek. Release your grip on the world that cares nothing for you, and I shall bestow upon you the peace you so desperately crave.

Her skin raises in gooseflesh everywhere the shadow crosses, and her stomach turns as it squeezes its way up her torso, her chest, her throat, slipping over her lips in a sick parody of a lover’s caress. She opens her mouth - to scream, to breathe, to do something - and the shadow plunges inwards, invading her mouth, her throat, coating her inside and out with a thick, glutinous sensation that leaves her mouth hanging obscenely open, tongue thrashing, while her mind screams useless denials.

Submit to Me what you see I can easily take, give Me My due. Give over, drown in Me, and I will save you from this miserable existence.

And she is drowning, the air pressed from her lungs as a dark heaviness settles solidly over her. Her arms are forced over her head, and she is strung out on her twisted sheets, writhing under the weight of the shadow as it presses over every surface, against every entrance. No matter how she strains, her legs are gradually forced apart. The darkness’s lack of speed is affected, some barely functioning bit of her brain whispers to her; it could take her as swiftly as it cares to and is only moving slowly because it wants her to suffer, wants to taste her anguish. She has no chance against the shadow, she can’t even touch it, really she could just save herself the anxiety and fear and just-

NO.

She twists as hard as she can, but the shadow simply moves with her, flows over her, waits until she takes another breath, and then surges between her thighs, driving her torso off the bed with the force of its thrust. Every cell in her body locks, not in pain, but in complete revulsion. And then again, and again, cruel in the thoroughness of its violation, covering and saturating every crevice of her being, coating and tainting everything it touches.

Wrong, can't...stop, stop, stop, wrong, can’t...God, please…

You cannot rely on yourself, on your own mind for proper guidance. Let Me protect you. Let Me save you from yourself.

How long...minutes...hours...years...just stop, please…please-

The alarm clock shrieks right in her goddamned ear, and she can breathe and move and scream and goddammit, she fucking hates those dreams that send her careening onto the floor, scrambling for cover when she can’t even remember what she's running from.

Her morning routine is already in shambles. There’s no ignoring the alarm clock today. A morning shower maybe, to wash off the sticky aftermath of night sweats, definitely, but no lying about, staring at the walls in a sleep-daze. Definitely washing the sheets tonight, too.

She surveys what she can see of her bed from her crumpled position on the floor in front of the closet and sighs. Must’ve been a hell of a nightmare to tear up the covers that badly. She thinks for a moment of trying a little harder to remember, to recall some piece of the dream, but then her stomach flips over, and she summarily rejects that idea in favor of caffeination and medication.

She allows herself another few minutes on the floor, waiting until her respiratory and heart rates return to a less alarming pace before climbing to her quivering knees. The shadow darkens the far corner of the room, as innocuous as always. Though she doesn’t know why, she can’t help an involuntary flinch when she first sees it. It’s not normally present in the morning, at least, she doesn’t think so...well, she can't remember the shadow being so dark in the mornings, at least. But...

She clears her throat against the thickness that seems to coat it suddenly, and readjusts her plan to include a glass of water before she starts in on the coffee. She realizes after another long moment of staring that her hands are trembling along with her legs. Her jaw clenches, and she knows she’s being ridiculous. It’s a damned shadow. It just sits there. It’s a minor manifestation of a mild psychosis secondary to major psychological trauma. It’s just a damned dark spot; it doesn’t change, doesn't want her to do anything, and it definitely doesn’t fucking talk to her.

She. Does. Not. Hear. Voices.

…

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