#in fact i've probably done this several times bc of how long it took me to beat. hornet or whatever her name is in greenpath

[wpmz]

added an hour to my hollow knight save file and made zero progress👍

[tendercoretroglodyke]

weeks ago my roommate confronted me about "this tension" between us that I had truly no idea about until they kinda snapped at me earlier that night, and they told me that an offhand comment I'd made the week before (as well as a few other things I'd said/done from months or years prior) had pissed them off so much and the whole time I had no idea bc i have rsd and have had to learn to compensate by just assuming any kind of standoffishness is bc they're busy or tired or not feeling well. and presumably our talk that night "cleared the air" but now I'm constantly worried they're pissed at me and I don't know it.

like I am genuinely so uncomfortable in my own home now... we made plans to have a follow up talk (at my request) later this week and I want the main gist of the convo to be that I want them to feel loved and appreciated and I want better communication between us but I'm debating whether to bring up the fact I'm so uncomfortable coming home these days that im considering moving out and getting my own apt when our lease is up (several months from now). but i don't want to make myself the center of attention and i don't wanna ambush them with that, esp with their financial issues rn. so i probably won't bring up that possibility rn. but god some nights... like i am genuinely looking up hotel rates just so I can get away for a weekend and not have to be hypervigilant of how much space I'm giving them or what I'm saying around them or whether they're secretly pissed at me or they just have a lot going on.

I've been trying to hide in my room as much as possible without looking like I'm sulking but it's slowly driving me crazy. there was a week leading up to christmas where I was living at the apartment alone which normally to me would mean I was all sad and lonely but um that week turned out to be the best week I'd had all month. and this was the week leading up to my first christmas without my mom. but it felt so good to not be constantly unsure about where i stand with the people in my house (like, both my roommate and their partner, who basically lives here too).

I hate that even for a week I was "the enemy" to the two of them and I didn't know it. I had texted them during that week I didn't know my roommate was pissed at me (i was traveling for Thanksgiving) and saying I missed them and wanted to do a group call that night, and their partner texted in the gc saying roomie was too tired that night and suggested the next night, and i texted again the next night and they were like sorry too tired again. and they p much barely responded to anything I texted that week. and it was bad enough when I thought they were just too busy for me but to know now they were so pissed at me at me they couldn't even speak to me is so upsetting!!

(I guess I've talked about it long enough I should mention what the offhand comment was that pissed them off cos if I dont you'll all think I said something horrendous lmao. basically my roommate slightly exploded something in the microwave and said they'd clean it up that night, the next morning I realized it hadn't been cleaned yet so I texted them a reminder to clean it once I'd left for work. apparently they took it as passive aggressive comment and thought I "thought of them as my maid" esp considering the microwave needed cleaning even before that (i hadn't particularly noticed) and they were ready to text me something really pissed off before their partner stopped them and said they should cool off first. I, on the other hand, fully just meant it as a friendly reminder, coming from the perspective of someone with adhd who frequently forgets to do things I told people I would do, and who appreciates a reminder to do them. If I had KNOWN how the comment was recieved I could have cleared the air rather than let it fester into what I now feel like is a huge cloud of resentment towards me I don't even know how to combat. I also can't even tell what's my rsd anxiety about how they feel about me rn vs what's legitimate anger)

[studentbyday]

hello, i drafted an aesthetic studyblr post for today, but didn't feel like posting it bc today is an ugly rant kind of day. (more kermits under the cut)

AAAAHHHHHH STUPID FREAKING WINDOWS- 😩😫😭🤬🤬🤬 so i was working on my laptop for these past few days which uses a different ms office version from the computer i switched to today and all my work was LOST!! 😭😭 all the notes i took on OneNote (at least it was just the psyc notes i had done on the laptop - idk what i would do if biochem or mol bio notes were lost. i'd probably cry for real) and all the work i did on that biochem paper? GONE!! my brother uses LibreOffice so i finally switched to that (altho their UI isn't that nice). at this point, i might as well switch to linux (unless that would cause unforeseen problems if i still sometimes do work on windows? idk) 😅 any recs for free notes apps that have a small learning curve and are OneNote-like?

the STRANGEST part is, some of the notes and lost files came back as i was working?? i didn't do anything and i *swear* i wasn't seeing things, so like, WTF??? not that i'm complaining. i hope the entire week of psyc notes i lost comes back. if not, i'll probs rewrite them if i have time. i hope i have time. i really hate this.

also, good thing i didn't like the way i wrote the biochem paper so far. i rewrote the thing in a google doc instead just to be safe and i like the way it flows much better now. AND!!! it's super annoying that i had to do this, but my handwritten notes on the main article i'm basing my paper on were confusing me. like, in terms of the flow of the biochemistry. so i basically rewrote those notes, doing this huge web in paint and idk if i could've done that on the first read instead of the way i did it. i hate feeling like i've done double work.

after rewriting the paper (i'm not even done yet - there are several things i wanna add yet and some facts i wanna clarify) and my notes on the article for said paper, i was exhausted. i tried to switch gears by reading the instructions/background for the biochem discussion post due tmr (that i was supposed to write today 😒) but i don't get it. it's like i didn't cover lipoproteins at all! i don't remember anything! what am i here* for if i can't remember anything?!

update: i answered 1 question for the discussion post. i still have to answer 1 more but i need to finish reading the background info first.

ALSO! i was supposed to study for 6+ hours today. i have no idea how long i actually studied bc i kept stopping and starting the study with me video and i worked through the breaks anyway, so the dinging timers were just annoying.

*"here" as in at uni, studying, although if in the right mood, it could also expand to my entire existence 🙂 (luckily i'm too angry rn to feel philosophical 😒)

okay, let's try not to end so sour. good things that happened today:

physio exercises ✅

skincare ✅ (i have added lip balm to the list asides from lotion bc the chapped state hurts 🙁)

mol bio quiz ✅

journal ✅

tomorrow will be better. and if it doesn't start out right, imma fight it until it is and i won't be defeated 😠

[hajimescutie]

Hello!! I was wondering if I could request headcannons for seijoh 4 with an s/o who has gotten a really high mark on a very important test (like for university exams and stuff) they had, and just them being really proud and happy of reader 🥺

I recently got my mark and I was really happy about it bc I had MULTIPLE breakdowns about it and a lot of anxiety/panic attacks about the exam, the exam has chemistry, maths, biology, and physics for all the topics we took in hs so u can guess how overwhelmed I was 🥴.

Anyways I showed my parents my score and they said good job and that was it so I felt... idk a little upset. I've wanted to go out and celebrate and maybe buy myself a congratulatory gift but I haven't been able to :/

So I was wondering how seijoh 4 would celebrate with there s/o for their achievement!! I hope this isn't too much!! And I hope you have a great day/night ❤️❤️

# — seijoh 4 with an s/o who got good grades

includes: seijoh 4 x gn!reader

genre: fluff

warnings: none

a/n: hi lovely!! first of all, i’m so proud of you 🤩🤩 as someone who’s in university, exam season is so damn stressful. here is my achievement gift for you bby 😚 and pls make sure one of these days to treat yourself! you 100% deserve it. n e ways i hope u like this <3 also so sorry this took so long!

main masterlist aoba johsai masterlist

OIKAWA:

please he would be so so excited!

as soon as he got the text saying you passed, even though he knew you would, he pulled out the flowers and some of your favorite treats!

to celebrate your academic achievement, he thought it'd be nice to treat you to a movie night!

he knew you wouldn't be home for at least an hour or two

but he got to work so quick

tooru knew how hard you worked to get where you are now

countless nights with minimal sleep

a little too much caffeine

staying after hours at school in order to study

the pretty setter did his best in order to support you and make you feel like you could do anything

when he was done setting the stage, he felt pretty accomplished

mans is so extra

would literally buy fairy lights, build a fort, have several bowls of snacks and several bottles of drinks

but if it's to celebrate you and your success?

he would do it again in a heartbeat

you 100% burst into tears when you came home

"y/n-chan! i'm so proud of you!"

"i told you, you would pass!"

"even though we all know i'm smarter-"

the last thing he saw was a pillow flying at his face

he was still happy for you nonetheless!

IWAIZUMI:

hajime would literally wait outside your classroom for you to finish your test

mans would be nervous too!

anything that's important to you is important to him

regardless of the outcome, he'll always be proud of you and your hard work

but good news!

he knew you passed as soon as he the brightest smile creep onto your lips

would 100% pick you up and spin you while mumbling how proud of you he is

"i knew you could do it, doll!"

"you let that dumbass brain of yours psych you out when you know you're smart"

"hey! i'm only saying facts- don't hit me!!"

he decided to take you out to dinner, ice cream, and stargazing <3

not like a super fancy dinner but somewhere casual where you both could be together and enjoy each other's company

you would talk about how the test went with him, the concepts you did and didn't understand, how you think you did

he would listen so attentively

all he could do was smile

hajime felt his heart soar the entire time

he knows you're able to accomplish anything you put your mind to

this man could write a book on how happy he is for you

lmao he probably wrote somewhere in his notes how proud he is of you

you can't change my mind on that

you're so precious to him, and for him to see you so excited and happy makes him feel giddy

he loves you so much, and he couldn't be prouder to have someone as special as you by his side :)

MATSUKAWA:

just like hajime, issei would be waiting for you outside your classroom while you finished your test

but he was way more nervous than you were

which confused him because it was your test

maybe the suspense?

anyway

issei knew how important passing this test was for you

unfortunately, you had encountered multiple mental breakdowns while preparing for said test

but your boyfriend was with you the entire way

he supported you and helped you every chance he got

even though he wasn't that good at the subject you were taking

it's the thought that counts

when he heard people coming out from your classroom, the last thing he saw was you trampling over to his tall figure and latching yourself onto him

"i passed 'sei! i passed!!!"

would pepper kisses all over your cute lil face

he felt like his heart was going to pop out of his chest

issei would go all out with celebrating your achievement!

you deserved a break!

he took you to the amusement park, took you out to dinner, got some dessert at your favorite bakery, and ended the day with watching your favorite movies

issei is so cheesy you can't tell me otherwise

before you both went to bed he would tell you how proud he is of you, how he never doubted that you would pass, how much he loves you and can't wait for you to move on with your career, the list goes on

you're important to him, and he wouldn't want anyone else

HANAMAKI:

omggggg

hiro wanted to do anything and everything in order to celebrate your achievement!

hiro knows you're smart

you're smarter than him and his dumbass friends combined

you can't tell me that you wouldn't come home and already see your favorite food made, a bouquet of your favorite flowers, even a cake that said 'congrats' on it!

hiro is so cute

the pink-haired male wanted to put his all in making you understand that all of your hard work paid off!

it broke his heart to see you so stressed over your exams

he wanted to help, he really did

but he wasn't as smart as you lol

so, the next best thing was to support you in any way he could

he would 100% tease you about how stressed you were

"see! you were worrying over nothing!"

"come on babe, you can't tell me you didn't know you were gonna pass"

"what do you mean?! you're the smartest person i've ever met!"

despite the teasing, hiro was so proud of you

while you were eating, he couldn't help but stare at you lovingly

he couldn't believe someone as intelligent, hardworking, and beautiful could be with someone like him

he loves you with his whole being, and he'll do anything in order to make you happy

reblogs are appreciated! <3

©hajimescutie 2021, all rights reserved

[destinyc1020]

Ya its always poor tom oh tom was so sad, do ya'll always just gloss over the fact the tom was seen with a white bitch a month after him and z did the press tour and were "supposedly" still hooking up?? Like do ya'll always just baby tom or??? Bc seeing ur ex with someone else a month after yall was still hooking up is fucked up too.. Think abt how z must've felt!

Hey hey hey now!!! 🤚🏾🛑 First off all, there's no need for name-calling in here. 🤨

And honestly, calling another woman who you don't even know personally (and hasn't even done anything to you) a "b****" is just uncalled for. 😒

Olivia doesn't deserve that type of hate. Nobody even barely knows a thing about her. There's no need for that. I'm sick and tired of the name-calling lately. 😤

Second.... You have your facts wrong.

We HAVE discussed that very topic here on my blog. I've discussed how Z may have been feeling several times.

🔹️

🔹️

🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️🤷🏾‍♀️

Chiiiiiile... let me tell you.... There is probably no Tomdaya topic that hasn't already been discussed here on my blog (sometimes MULTIPLE times) already lol... 😏 😂

So a lot of you all come in here saying we haven't talked about blah blah blah.... and the reality is, we HAVE talked about it, you just weren't following this blog at the time we discussed it! 🤣

It's very rare I get a brand new, never-before-asked question about Tomdaya in my inbox. It's quite rare indeed. 😅

And if fans have focused more on Tom and how he was acting, it's only because he tends to wear his heart more on his sleeve and he's more transparent. Whereas with Z.... she already says she's not really an overly emotional person just in general, so you kinda have to read btwn the lines with her because she seems to be more private with her feelings, and likes to pretend (to the public at least) that everything is okay, even if it's not. 🤷🏾‍♀️

But we HAVE discussed her reactions as well after the breakup.

I have even made an entire lengthy post about what took place after their breakup, with a bunch of receipts. 🥴

Trust and believe... if Zendaya had gone on an unfollowing spree of Tom's friends and family after Tom was spotted out with Olivia, or if Zendaya had made some shady IG stories taking a dig at Tom after their breakup or whatever, you better believe we would have been discussing her reactions! 😂

I think many have already talked about how she wasn't seeming herself with JE. Like, how many times have we discussed this lol? 😂 We've talked about how she was hurt after the breakup, and was losing weight at one point, was looking high 👀 out of it on some occasions, etc. We've discussed this so many times. She's just way more private with her feelings, and she wasn't really promoting any movies as much as Tom was after their breakup. She had a long break in btwn the FFH press tour and Euphoria S2 filming where she wasn't filming or promoting anything movie-wise. 🤷🏾‍♀️

But anyone who looks at pictures (which, again.... I've analyzed ad nauseam on here) can see a definite difference in her after the Tomdaya breakup as well.

So, maybe you've just been missing those posts.

[igarbagecannoteven]

alrighty megs i am asking you 1, 9, 10 but also for writing as well if that's different, 16, 28, 39, and 44 -hazel

hiya hazel! thanks for stopping by, i hope your weekend has been going well :))

1. how long ago did you start reading fanfic? writing fanfic? answered here, but i can answer in terms of 5sos fic! my ao3 history is a hard thing to gauge with bc i reread so much (and it only lists fics once for the last time you opened them, right? or am i thinking of something else) but according to that i started reading 5sos fic in early november 2020 which feels right bc i know i'd had this blog since august and it took me a while to warm up to the idea of rpf. i started writing fic in mid-december i think? early mid-december? idk somewhere around then

9. tag three fic writers you think are underrated/unknown in the fandom/fanfic community. gosh okay i have like, little awareness on how "big" writers are (and also i tend to just gravitate to fic writers whose work i trust and are established which means i don't get out of my bubble a lot) so i'm def leaving out people who deserve shoutouts but @valiantnerdtm is great and big susan summer is absolutely slept on (i'm holding off on reading the newest chapter til i'm in the right headspace but i am so excited!!) and while a lot of nyms stuff is Not Safe For Megs(tm), everything of nyms that i've read has been very good. @bandsanitizer did a wonderful job on the fic she wrote for me with fic exchange is just *chef's kiss* and i'm excited to see how her fic portfolio expands! @4thbrighteststar is a new face in the world of 5sos fic whose work has not blown up as much as it should yet (i mean have you read her ghost of you fic??? the fact that it has less than 20 kudos is a crime)

10. what's your favorite fandom, character, or pairing to read fic for? answered here, but i do have to admit that while i don't look at pairing when picking fics to read, i do think i naturally gravitate more towards lashton and malum plots? i think it's just that storylines that people choose to write for them are usually the ones i'm most interested in (also they were the pairing everyone was writing the most when i first started reading *and* they're what several of the authors i like tend to write more of than others) so as much as i'd love to say i have zero bias in terms of pairing,, i'm working on balancing the scales tho!

16. do you research for your fics? if so, how deep of a rabbit hole have you gone down by accident when researching? i research when i have to. i'm not really a big fan of it, which is why i try to write fics that aren't super research heavy (one of the many reasons i don't write many "canon-verse" fics) but i do it when necessary. probably the biggest rabbit hole was when i did some, uh, "hands on" research for seeing things in a different light where i actually went out and bought a watermelon and hacked it open with multiple oyster shells and lots of help bc my upper body strength is not it boss. also def the most dangerous thing i've ever done for writing bc my brother's friend who helped for a bit has a deadly shellfish allergy and he scraped his hand up on the shell so it could have ended very badly lol. but everyone was fine! only minor injuries occured and the watermelon tasted very good :))

28. how do you deal with writing pressure (ie: pressure to update, negative comments, deadlines, etc)? when it's influenced by external factors, i try to take a step back whenever possible. that's why i'm doing my whole "24 fic challenge" thingy, bc i saw how i was starting to fall into certain unhealthy thought patterns when it came to posting fic and how it was received and yada yada so i took what i could control and tried to set things up in a way that will keep the way i feel about my work healthy! (we'll see if it actually works once i start posting tho lol) as for things i can't control,, i kinda just don't deal with them very well? kldjflksd that sounds bad but also my resting state is worrying so most of the time i just sorta power through it while trying not to scream lol

39. what’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on? my dialogue! it's usually one of the first "positive" critiques i get whenever i'm in a critique group, and i think most of the time writing natural-sounding dialogue comes very easily for me

44. rant about something writing related. idk if this is the kind of rant you're looking for since it's more of, like, a personal vent, but i am really supremely tired of how hard it is for me to just. sit down and type words into a doc. it's not something that i only struggle with when i'm in a slump, it's something i deal with every time i write, even on "good writing days" and it sucks! i know it has a lot to do with how my brain is wired (aka not in a neurotypical way lol) but it's just frustrating! i would not be a slow writer if it was based on typing speed alone, but i am because i can rarely put a decent amount of words in one wip in one sitting. i wish i could, but i can't! it makes me want to take out my brain and go over it with a scrub brush and some dish soap but alas my skull does not have hinges and that is generally recommended by doctors. such is life.

fic writer ask game

[vxnevermorevx]

Welcome to my mind

For the last three years, my mind has been... Well, shit. Not that it hadn't been on a steady decline for years prior.

Recently, someone named her Denise. My other me. "Because that's what she is..when something is the opposite of something it's de-. She's not nice, she's De-Nice..."

Denise.

The name give to the me that's not me but spends more time pretending to be me than I do.

*Character Bio*

When I'm not Denise, I'm Ginny and she was the most wonderful person. I miss her dearly.

I had a great childhood. Very few psychological events, in my opinion. We never had much money, but my mom made sure I never knew it. My father worked hard at both his job and destroying his marriage; which is probably one of the marks on my childhood. More to come on that, I'm sure.

I didn't have trouble in school, per se. Bullied only a handful of times in all my school years. My mom is a designer, so I wore things you couldn't find on stores throughout my whole school life. I was *always* ahead of the trend and some kids couldn't handle it. We're talking 1991-2003. So, jumpers, corsets, mesh dusters, pants with fur on the bottom, dressing like anime characters... I was the first of everyone around me to be dressing that way. And I loved it!

But I had my revenge, as my hecklers could be seen wearing the same things they made fun of me for, after it became trendy. I guess you didn't have to be dead to be caught wearing that after all...

I struggled in math and excelled in art and writing. I had mostly good teachers, I think only one hated me.

I met all my best friends there. Can't say I've made all that many more in the years since. But, in my defense I'm surrounded by people who are nothing like me. You see, I grew up in Florida. All my vital youthful years were spent there. And now I live near Portland, Oregon. God, why? I even lost one of my dearest friends to the city. She completely changed from a fun, artistic girl who liked to draw, read, and cook...to...one of them. She's now a guilt vegan ( let's you know how disgusting you are for eating meat ) and is obsessed with shows that need to be cancelled. I had known this girl since first grade, she said she would follow the first friend who loved out of state. That was me, so she came out here too. Our friendship immediately began deteriorating as she would not allow me in my own room during the day, because she was talking to some loser friend of hers online. This person left her in a Walgreen's 20 miles from her home, on the wrong side of town, when we were all barely old enough to drive, because she was taking too long looking at eyeliner. But, she sounds like a solid individual to begin emulating. Are you serious? I watched my fully replacement take effect. 20 years of friendship completely gone in a matter of months. Have you ever watched someone stop carrying about you? Think about it. No, don't think about it. It's awful. She even physically ended our friendship. The first I had ever experienced. It was wrenching. But, I'm too far ahead now. I need to tell you how I got to Oregon.

Somewhere around me being 16, my dad stopped coming home. His mother had recently died and he knew some pretty shitty people willing to help him take the pain away. How does a poor, dyslexic, hoodlum, with a history of abuse cure the blues? Crack, of course. My mom did all she knew how to do, but she was pretty done with it all. They got divorced and some rich old lady "saved" him and whisked him off to Maryland where he would suffer many years of depression for what he had done to his family.

Now, it was just my mother and me. I immediately got a job and gave her my entire paycheck to help keep us in our lovely house. But as fate would have it, the city claimed eminent domain on our house with plans to build a water treatment facility. So, they lowballed us on what our house was worth and gave us 6 months to move. Now, here's some important side information: my mom is an army brat who grew up with mountains her whole life, until moving to Florida for my dad, which was apparently one of the last places she ever wanted to be. And my chummy from another tummy, was born in Oregon and had recently left me to go to OSU. This girl is my sister by all counts but blood. So, with a few other helping factors the logical answer was to start anew. How completely different my life would have been if I stayed. Can't say it would be better, just 100% different from what it is now.

But, in 2005 we moved to Oregon on the promise that we would do all the things we wanted to do and be living in Seattle in a few years.

None of that worked out. I can still remember the first night we spent in our apartment. I hated it. I let everyone know too. I think I cried for a week. I just wanted to go home. My Sisi was too far away to see her more often than the weekends and slowly her grades began to falter. This led to her dropping out and moving back to Florida just five months after I moved out here for her. I fell apart. I had only my mom and I love her, but sometimes you need your friends... You know? We did what we could and took jobs we hated and tried to get used to our new surroundings. I'm apparently a spoiled brat so I'm sure I made things painful for my mom who was finally back in her element and here I was stomping around telling everyone how much I hated it. Hate it. Present tense. I know the whole world is a cess pool of hipster, millennial idiots who all think that they know how to run the world, but the concentration of their free-for-all holier-than-thou ways is as dense here as the trees. It's exhausting listening to people who haven't showered in a week tell you how special they are because they have this heightened awareness that they learned from some Joe Blow and happens to not be fact at all. I have had a 24 year old Hispanic girl tell me that only white people can be racist, everyone else is prejudice. I told her that that in itself was a racist statement. And she said "no it's not. My teacher told me, and she has a PhD." I don't think I need to explain the definition of racism, but I do think Manson could have thrived in this town.

Fast forward quite a few years and we are both still in Oregon working jobs we hate not getting any of the things done we said we would. Are we lazy? Are we depressed? I'm sure it's both.

But, a small miracle comes my way, as I'm getting dressed to go down to the office to sign the next years lease I get a call from a woman who used to work with me. She asks if we are still looking for a new place to live and I tell her yes! We end up renting her townhouse from her because she's getting married. She proves to be a terrible landlord, probably because she's not all that good at being a person. She's really great at other things, but not that. Somme people are like that. But, I also haven't learned how to speak Oregonian in the 14 years I have been here.

A few more years and we end up buying the house and I have changed jobs for my health and things are looking up. I lose some of the weight I had acquired in my sorrows. I even find a guy that I can tolerate. Mostly bc he's 4000 miles away in another country. But, I struggle to find my way in our incredibly mismatched relationship. And he's so smart. So, successful... Here it comes... "what's he doing with a loser like me?"

My friends.... They all have something to show for their lives: degrees, children (Im not interested in these things,) husbands, jobs they don't hate....

I have a mortgage and a ridiculously high HOA, two payed off cars, 50 extra pounds on my ass, a job I'm not particularly built for, and a guy whom I love differently than he loves me.

I'm killing it.... Or myself. One way or the other. "I still haven't figured that shit out yet " -Eddie Murphy

I think this a pretty good place to stop for now. You should have a good amount of reference points for the following posts which will entirely be me, describing my chronic severe depression hoping that someone somewhere might read it and know they are not alone. I feel such a sense of validation when I read something from someone who feels the same as I do. This blog isn't for attention or critiquing, as most will likely be written when things like grammar and story structure aren't focused on. It's purely to get the chaos out so, I can organize it.

I don't know who you are but if you're reading this far, please stay tuned if you want to say "Wow, that's exactly how I feel."

Do good.

[metazensae]

Ahhhhh Hi! I've been kinda shy to interact with you just because I'm a nervous nerd but I just wanted to say that I think you're awesome and everything you make/do is beautiful! Your blog makes my day brighter! (@pocusilla-flanchette)

This message has absolutely touched my heart. I’ve read it probably 17 times since I received it and I’ve been a blushing mess each time. I’m so not used to any of this, not used to people liking what I do, not used to feeling good enough, and especially not used to being noticed in any capacity. 

The fact that other people enjoy my work literally makes my heart SING.

((The rest under the cut bc I’m long-winded and sappy as hell))

The last couple of weeks have been a whirlwind for me, and I’ve been wanting to say something about it publicly, so I’ll use this ask as a chance to write out my thoughts. 

It’s amazing to me that you would feel this way about me. I brighten YOUR day??? What!!!! I don’t think you guys have a clue how much you mean to me. Every single like/reblog/comment/mention/interaction/tag MAKES *MY* DAY. Up until 3 weeks ago, I existed in a void where I would toss half finished sketches, and I would despair. Radio silence. Inadequacy. Insufficient skills. Loneliness.

I wanted to change everything. I was considering giving up traditional art and thinking maybe I should just give up my dream of making comics altogether. You probably don’t know this, but from about 2006-2016 I was severely depressed and completely lost my will to draw. I had been THE ART KID in high school -  my identity - and when depression took that from me, I fell into a really dark place. My skills had deteriorated completely, but on one not so special day two years ago, I thought to pick up a pencil and try again.

Even still, I’ve been struggling. Everything is digital nowadays, and I stepped out of the art world during a very technologically-advancing decade. I kept looking at my sketches and finding all their limitations and flaws - things I know could be fixed or done quickly if I just learned how to use digital mediums. But digital confounds me. You have no idea how much I am awed by digital artists. And people who can do both? They’re my gods. But I couldn’t even finish my sketches because I was impatient to improve - my skills were nonexistent, deteriorated from so many years of nonuse. I may even pose that I never had the skills to begin with. And since my pieces were simple value drawings with the LAZIEST of hatching as shading, I didn’t think anyone else would want to see them either. I thought I needed to change my style and needed to learn a different medium.

But you guys have given me my passion for drawing back. I’ve only known about the Arcana for a few months, and I was totally inactive in the fandom, so I didn’t know who any of you were, though some of you showed up on my dash from time to time. But then, on @badly-salted-pretzel / @asraaaa ‘s suggestion, I drew the Lucio sweaters comics as a gag. ((ALSO SHOUT OUT AGAIN BC THIS IS THE PERSON WHO INTRODUCED ME TO THE ARCANA SO THANK YOU EMILIA I LOVE YOU SO FREAKING MUCH))

And then I LIKED drawing Lucio, so I did another shit sketch of him being weird and shirtless (basically… uh… my thing) and along came the @samael-bellamorte /Lucio seduction arc. 

And my life has changed forever?

These last 3 weeks I’ve spent drawing the Arcana fan art and fan apprentices have been the most rewarding in my life. For the first time, I’m drawing things that other people LIKE, things that make other people HAPPY, and it is SO SO SO motivating. Every piece I draw gets better and better, and it’s because I want to do a good job for YOU. So thank you - thank you - THANK YOU.

The other thing is that I’ve met so many great, talented people here in the Arcana fandom. Your passion for drawing, writing, and just generally creating is so catching - I’m blown away by how interesting, diverse, and well rounded your characters are, by how just damn good your writing and story-telling is, and HECK? I CAN SHARE MY ART WITH YOU TOO?!? WIN-WIN-WIN-WIN-WIN. This community is exactly what I have been looking for my whole life, and really. I’m so overwhelmed and excited and full of love for you guys. 

You all have made my dreams come true, and I can’t even tell you how much all of this has meant to me.

All of that said, I really hope you will interact with me. In fact, my immense loneliness begs you to. I’m also shy and nervous and awkward and a HUGE NERD - it’s like we were made from the same soul, so don’t feel nervous to talk to me

 @pocusilla-flanchette  let’s be friends, ok?

[craicchapel]

ok this might get kind of long sorry... so i've been with my boyfriend for 6 years, since we were 17. we were best friends for 2 years before that and i was sooo in love with him. dating him was literally like my dream come true.. we graduated hs and went to college in different states so we did long distance for 4 years. it was hard at first but we knew it was worth it bc we knew we wanted to be together. he played sports and couldnt leave school so i was flying to visit him once a month (1/3)

i didn't mind going to see him, it was always really fun, but towards the end of college i started dwelling on the fact that i sacrificed a lot for him, didn't really get to experience my "college years" like all my friends (partying a lot and stuff) and idk.. started to resent it a little bit? like he's the only person i've ever loved/had sex with/etc. i love him so much he's my best friend but i've been in a relationship since before i was even an adult.. i've never known anything else (2/3)and i'm scared one day in the future i'm going to resent him/the relationship because i feel like i've given up a lot to be with him. and i feel like shit too because i know he doesn't think that way but i can't help it. i have no doubts that i love him but i kinda feel like i want to be single for awhile.. but that's such a risk to tell him i wanna take a break. he wont understand. idk i feel stupid too cause i have a good thing some people would kill for and i'm not happy like i should be :/

okay well to start off I’m not going to be able to tell you what to do cause there’s really no right or wrong answer here..and being that i don’t know you or your relationship personally i can’t say tooo much...BUT i can tell you that your feelings are totally valid and normal. You’re not stupid for feeling that way even if you have a pretty good relationship already. I think a lot of people, if not most people, who have been in long relationships feel that way at some point in time...especially if you started dating younger and haven’t experienced much besides them. You’re not wrong for being curious what else is out there or feeling like you missed out on certain stuff. I do think that if you continue on with your relationship it might cause some issues down the road because you’ll always be left wondering and..like you said..it can almost cause some resentment..and might make you draw away from them. I will say that with my relationship (very similar to yours..started dating young and continued on for about 6+ years) we took several ‘breaks’...and since i really did love him (as you sound to feel about your boyfriend) I always always always wanted to get back together with him and ended up feeling silly for ever thinking I was better off without him (i know that sounds silly since we did mutually end up breaking up later on..but it was for different reasons). I usually realized pretty quickly that things were a lot better with him than all those experiences you’re thinking about. Going out and partying gets very old very fast, meeting new guys is exhausting, and its hard to find someone you really click with like you do with your current boyfriend. Here’s where the hard part comes though....I definitely think that those breaks for us were needed because otherwise I would have never been able to think, realize, and truly feel what it was like without him and see how other things weren’t better. Obviously...I’m just basing this on my past relationship..which doesn’t mean you’re going to feel the same things but all I can offer is what I went through. Its hard because taking a break might seem like a good idea to you....go off..do your thing..and if you don’t like it..get back together with him......but that’s not how it always goes. He might get angry or pissed and not want to get back together with you, ya know? I think it’s one of those things that really warrants a deep talk between you guys. You don’t have to word it as if you’re not sure about him...but more so that you’re not sure about your life. That way it doesnt make him feel as inadequate. I guess the main thing in your message that stood out to me was that you didnt feel as happy as you should be...and I think that’s pretty telling that you need to maybe make some changes. Like you said, its hard and leaves you feeling almost selfish because you have someone you’re in love with and others would kill for that..but just because you’re in love with someone doesn’t mean everything is A-Ok. I dunno, I feel like I’m not really giving you good advice :\ but maybe if you feel comfortable you could just sit down and voice your feelings to him..he might be or feel more understanding that you expect. Also you guys have a lot of history together so I’m sure you’ll be able to work through things...even if he gets mad I doubt he’d just cut you out of his life completely, you know? Just how you probably wouldn’t be able to do the same with him....so even if he initially seems livid and wants to be done...I’m sure within a small amount of time he’d calm down and be able to look at things more rationally. anyways im sorry dear, i hope things start looking up for you