#in an evil little powerpoint

[moonshynecybin]

REPORTER MARC AU???? ohhh it's so good. marc maybe never having met vale. or maybe only as a child. writing almost mythical articles about him. vale who he always wanted to be but failed. they see each other in a debrief and the TENSION is thick and they fuck obv (hero worship + vale has read all his hero worship) but then sepang 2015 happens (um. vale takes something marc wrote as a slight and openly slanders him + ruins his reputation?? not sure). and marc of course still has to write abt vale bc it's his job but. now there's a sharp undercurrent of bitterness? he knows him so well he knows how to get under his skin. and of course vale HATES being known by the media he is always putting on a mask but. marc knows him.

so crazy… and like i think, here the tension isn’t derived from racing competition it’s derived from vale’s insane relationship to fame and the media. like him putting up so much of a mask only for a member of the PRESS to be the one who can see right through him… marc coping with a lot of weird wistful feeling about not being able to ride… career ending too soon but also being JUST like vale concerning competition so he has insane insight… and vale wanting to be vulnerable with marc but being categorically unable to because he’s a JOURNALIST. forgetting himself and then self policing about it…

like. okay so marc has to stop racing sometime in his teens due to (unintelligible health reasons) so he straps on his psycho ambitious little intensely practical brain and goes okay. i will become the best racing journalist to ever live. he understands how to ride he understands the mindset he WAS going to be the next valentino rossi and now well. at least he can interview him. so marc gets a press pass and immediately rocks up to the paddock and uh. charms vale a little. hot smart but not a competitive threat. vale likes him ! marc’s questions aren’t stupid but ARE fun so vale plays ball… and they become sort of friends and flirt a little through the first years… BIG tell all interview at the end of marc’s first season that gives him SO much more credibility as a journalist… like they never quite make a move on each other because vale will NOT risk any sort of gay affair involvement with a JOURNO but they are in love. like obviously. making eye contact with each other in presscons it’s very sweet. everytime marc drops a piece everyone is like wow this is the best and most revealing vale interview in years :) and eventually, vale is like. uh oh ! oh no ! like he did not mean to share his secrets to this twink reporter he just. love his ass unfortunately

and maybe after that they fuck ONCE . just to “get it out of his system” and then it DOESNT go away and vale freaks out. pulls away goes cold clams up in press scrums… but all the while marc’s low empathy career obsessed ass writing such beautiful articles about vale (and so horny lbr). and they’re SO intimate and comfortable and frankly getting a little too close to the beating lurid heart of him… marc is seeing. he is perceiving. he is spinning it out onto the page beautifully because that is his JOB… and after they fuck and there little too much wanting on both sides. and vale shuts him out HARD. but marc (now heartbroken. framed photo of vale and him on his first day with press access in his office) is still writing those insane articles… pissed that vale is fucking with his career so he’s going even HARDER now… and vale hates being seen but also can’t get over that marc sees him. that he understands him. insane emotional experience… like what if you wanted to be seen so badly but also we’re so so scared of it when it actually happens because of your fame trauma….

[raccooncityriots]

Honestly, part of me is considering getting a business degree just because those are my favorite professors at the university lol

[hailsatanacab]

A Persuasive Argument - dpxdc

"Great!" Danny says, clapping his hands together to get everyone's attention. The dinner table falls silent as everyone looks towards him. It's a full house today and, honestly, Danny's a little nervous. "I'm sure you're all wondering why I gathered you here today."

"It's dinnertime. In our house." Duke mutters, while doing a very bad job of concealing his yawn. He holds his fork poised over the braised beef, but, just like everyone else, still looks towards Danny before tucking in. It's intriguing enough to wait.

"Yeah, no one misses Alfie's dinner." Dick says, with a brilliant smile that Danny can't help but return.

"Precisely! What better time to talk to you all than when you're all actually here!"

"Wait, I thought you came round to work on our English essays?" Tim asks, blinking owlishly.

"I'm afraid I've lured you here under false pretences, Tim."

"This is where I live."

"I would still really appreciate help on that essay though, I mean, what the hell is Hamlet even about? I just don't get that old time-y language, like 'Hark! A ghost hath killed me!' - absolute rubbish, what does that even mean?"

"The ghost never kills anyone in Hamlet, he's there to tell Hamlet that he was murdered. Have you actually read it?"

"No, but it sounds like you have. Tim, I want this guy to help me with my essay instead. I know for a fact that you haven't read Hamlet, either."

"So? We don't need Jason, I've read the Sparknotes."

"Hi Jason, I'm Danny, pleasure to meet you, summarise Hamlet in three sentences or less."

"Am I auditioning to help you write your essays? I can't believe you’ve gone through your whole school life without reading it, it’s good!"

"Hamlet, along with a number of other classics, was banned in our house because it portrayed ghosts as intelligent and sympathetic beings rather than evil, animalistic beasts. I didn’t even get to see The Muppet's Christmas Carol until last year with Tim! It was surprisingly good, and I hate Christmas because everyone always argued and it sucked. But we're getting off topic. I—"

"No, no, please go back to that, because what the fu—"

"Boys, please." Bruce interrupts, looking to the world as if he wants to hang his head in his hands. "Danny, you were about to say something?"

"Oh, yeah, Mr. Wayne! Thanks!"

"Please, call me Bruce."

"Well, that very succinctly brings me to my point, because I'd actually really like to call you dad."

Nobody says a word. Nobody even blinks, all as shocked as the other, watching open-mouthed as Danny pulls his laptop out from beside his chair. Bruce can definitely feel a headache coming on.

"Before you say anything, I've prepared a 69 slide PowerPoint presentation on why you, Bruce Wayne, should adopt me, Danny Last-Name-Pending. Please save your questions, comments, and verdict until the end, thank you."

[fishfission-dc]

Batfamily Powerpoint Night! (Part 9: Barbara)

<<Part 8: Duke    |    Part 10: Alfred >>

[Masterlist]

Barbara: Alright, my turn!

Tim: Frankly I’m terrified for what’s about to happen

Dick: Oh Babs will be nice, don’t worry :)

Dick: I stand corrected

Steph: Oh god

Bruce: [sighs and puts his head in his hands]

Barbara: I organized it roughly from newest vigilantes to oldest, since more patrolling means more room for spectacular failures

Duke: It was a bad day for me

Jason: HA

Steph: Been there, done that. Not on TV though that really sucks man.

Steph: NOOOOOO

Tim: ONE SQUARED?

Steph: I GOT CONFUSED

Jason: [Hysterical laughter]

Damian: One multiplied by one?!

Steph: I THOUGHT IT MADE TWO I UNDERSTAND MY MISTAKE

Duke: From this mask view footage Batman is just watching this go down

Bruce: He said he didn’t want help. Felt like a teaching moment.

Damian: (muttering) I was fine.

Dick: Damian we were not going to drive you to 5th grade with a knife in your liver.

Steph: You’ve had this footage for four years?!

Barbara: I keep a file for blackmail. Cass doesn’t really have much, though.

Cass: (signing) I did learn the dance. Eventually.

Tim: WILL THIS TORMENT EVER END

Jason: YOU CRASHED THE BATMOBILE INTO A WALMART, TIMMY.

Steph: You deserve every joke we make about this

Damian: Your idiocy must be remembered

Dick: Yeah Tim this is pretty bad

Jason: Can I have that mask view footage

Barbara: I got ya

Tim: I hate it here

Jason: I really can’t defend this one

Dick: Why...? Did you shoot the trashcan?

Jason: I thought it was looking at me funny

Damian: The trashcan?

Jason: I was up for 52 hours give me a break.

Barbara: Do you want to tell them why you pulled two all-nighters in a row? Or should I?

Jason: You are an evil, evil woman. How do you even- nevermind. Of course you know everything, why do I even wonder. And for the record, the first night I stayed up for a case.

Barbara: And the second night was for Animal Crossing.

Jason: ...perhaps.

Duke: Oh my god.

Steph: And you laughed at me?

Bruce: (sighs)

Steph: Stop you were adorable in high school

Barbara: Thank you, but the braces? The acne? The bangs? 15 year old Barbara had no idea what she was doing.

Dick: I for one thought you were very cute in high school.

Jason: Stop flirting or I will leave

Bruce: Why were you both on a roof at night in your school uniforms?

Dick: I think let’s move on

Dick: Nevermind nevermind go back

Tim: Oh my god, Dick.

Duke: ”Purposely” ?!

Dick: I was nine

Damian: I knew better by age 9.

Bruce: Lessons were learned. I hope.

Jason: I’m starting to think I was one of the better Robins

Dick: I felt like I see sounds for three days...

Bruce: All traces of this were wiped from the internet.

Barbara: Oh Bruce, you know I’m better than that.

Dick: Hold on, hold on, we need an explanation.

Alfred: (as he walks by) A little too much to drink goes a long way...

Tim: YOU WERE DRUNK? ON PATROL?

Jason: No way. Even I haven’t been that stupid.

Duke: What did you buy at CVS

Bruce: ...apparently... I bought lollipops.

Steph: “Apparently” as in the next morning you didn’t remember putting on the Batsuit, going to CVS, buying lollipops, and talking to a guy with an audio recording device?

Bruce: ...yes.

Cass: (signing) Very bad. Very funny, but very bad.

Damian: Also an ineffective use of a smoke bomb if this civilian saw you walk away...

Bruce: Barbara, you have made your point.

<<Part 8: Duke    |    Part 10: Alfred >>

[Masterlist]

[yellowocaballero]

i very much enjoy the extremely scientific analysis of the naruto verse in which there are three genders, aka naruto, sasuke, and Woman.

AM I WRONG? AM I WRONG? pulls down projection screen and plays powerpoint

Obviously let's give room for nuance. A ton of Naruto characters don't fall into these gender norms. This does predominantly apply to the rampant proliferation of the three-person dynamics that were assigned by the government and dictate your entire life. And, like, society. It does not end. Gender isn't a biological factor in Naruto, it's a social dynamic constructed entirely by your homoerotic tension with other men. And there are so many.

Madara (S), Hashirama (N), Mito (W). Izuna (N) and Tobirama (S) - tragically, Izuna died before women could be invented. Sarutobi (N), Danzo (S, horrifically) - see above about women not being invented yet. Jiraiya (N), Orochimaru (S), Tsunade (W). Yahiko (N), Nagato (S), Konan (W). Obito (N), Kakashi (S), Rin (W). Shisui (N), Itachi (S), that little deeply unimportant girlfriend (W). Um, fucking, Naruto (N), Sasuke (S), Sakura (W). Even - even, fuckin, Rock Lee (N), Neiji (S), Tenten (W).

And what do they all have in common????

(OT3. They're all OT3s. Is what I'm saying).

There is some room for alternative gender expressions here, like being butch or femme. Naruto gender expressions: teacher, otouto, woman who you can't even tell is woman gendered because she has no backstory but you just have to kinda assume that she has a polycule-based backstory where she was Woman Gender. I feel almost as if 2/3rds of the Rookie 9 are liberated from this. InoShikaCho just doesn't fit (their chaotic cousin energy is just too strong and Ino's too much of a lesbian). Hinata's too busy being defined entirely by a different throuple's N to have codependent dynamics with her own N and S (and I'm hesitant to even say that, since I actually don't know if Kiba and Shino have a codependent rivalry - do they?).

I get, like, the reason for all of this. Curse of Hatred. Cycles. N and S Genders being sourced from demigods or something. Narrative parallelism. Sympathy points. It's not the bad guy's fault he's evil, his N and W gendered counterparts died :(. But an extremely strange side-effect of this is that all of the male characters are, like, Just Naruto or Just Sasuke. But the vast majority of the female characters are - like, completely defined by the men in their lives - but also they are more likely to be a unique person. Mito, Sakura, and Rin have actually nothing in common. Writing so sexist it creates more interesting characters?!?!

Unironically, this is why I'm always saying that Sasunaru is the ship of all time, nothing will ever top it, you will NEVER do it like Sasunaru, etc. Every important relationship in the series is meant to evoke Sasunaru. (Notably, none of the explicitly romantic ones. But we're beyond such paltry understandings of the most iconic pairing of all time as fundamentally based in romance. We're operating on a higher level than that). This unbroken chain of toxic yaoi has culminated at the end point of Sasunaru, and it exists to parallel Sasunaru and define their relationship by the dysfunction of generations of tragedy. That's why Naruto has to consciously break the cycle and free them from the generational hate - it was the only way to save Sasuke. This is also why I'm always saying that Sasunaru is the point of Naruto, and that the entirety of Naruto is about Sasunaru. Come back to me when your work has invented new genders in the all-encompassing pursuit of toxic yaoi.

This also means that the only truly gender non-conforming individuals in Naruto are its mightiest heterosexuals: Minato (W) and Kushina (N). Truly insane. The N/S/W configuration is the societal norm, it's bonkers to make a major good-aligned male character a wifeguy. By Naruto standards Minato and Kushina are the only queer couple.

[shitass-broadsword]

ok weird ass take but i feel like neil degrasse tyson and ben shapiro operate in the same enviroment. like honest to god i have not seen either of them debate someone qualified.

ben shows up to debates with a powerpoint presentation and rebuttal handbook up his ass while the fucking highschoolers he debates get zero prep time

and neil will go on podcasts n shit where they only ask him like grade school level questions and he puts on a bigass grin and goes "foolish little man you are. let me explain why:" and then goes on to talk abt how the moon isnt a hoax or some shit. grown ass man.

like Cosmos was a banger when i was watching that shit on natgeo as a kid but like why tf is the latter half of neil's career just comprised of stooping low as hell

though tbf my only exposure to him as of late has been yt shorts.

(but i heard hes kind of a prick irl so hes evil and im good and everything i say is correct teehee :3)

[flamingpudding]

Part 10 of Ghost Kid in Gotham

>>Masterpost >> AO3

<<1 Previous Next

A/N: A little side information on why this part is so late.... this was originally entirely different. I planned something else but wanted to adjusted that to what I would learn from AGIT but my copy of the book did not arrive yet... soooo this ended up as Part 10 and the original part 10 will be 11 now I guess, we will see :D

A/N(2): Oh btw AO3 link is now out! So far 3 Parts were edited and posted there! I also recently learned that editing a post does not generate a notice. So I will start leaving a comment on the Masterpost whenever a new Part is up. That should hopefully notify anyone subscribed to the Masterpost!

No work at the dinner table

It was supposed to be a normal dinner. His siblings were supposed to just meet his twin brother. Get to meet him and help him enable a somewhat normal childhood with the second chance Damian was getting with Danyal. Yet here he was hugging, no clutching his brother closer to him as he stared at their father at the head of the table furthest away from the twins.

Danyal's entire attention was on the man. There was no adverse reaction like the last time but he knew by his brother's body language that he was entirely focused on their father. The moment the man had spoken their mothers name Damian had felt how Danyals entire demeanor had changed. It was obviously the league training. The way the boy sat up straighter and his shoulders tensed.

The dinner had started relatively well all things considered. Drake had set up a powerpoint with ground rules for how their siblings were supposed to approach and not crowd Danyal. Of course they barely listened once they got to see the boy and Brown was the first one to nearly get bitten by the young boy attempting to pinch his cheeks. Damian had scowled.

But he had also watched on with fondness as he reluctantly had let go of his brother. He knew he was developing an unhealthy clinginess. But could they blame him? He had believed his brother to be dead for eight year and now finally got im back. Damian believed that a little protectiveness was well in his rights.

Brown had no business in teasing him about his brotherly display. Though he did drone when his siblings started discussing who of the two was the 'evil' twin. Did they not know that both Danyal and him were known as Demon Twins in the league? Questioning who of the two was 'evil' was rather foolish and when he voiced these thoughts he had to hide more of his puzzlement as they laughed.

He felt his vindictiveness calm when Danyal bit Brown soon after and despite him not wanting his brother to literally bite them. At least he could trust that Brown would not cause his brother sickness if bitten, he did not believe the same in regards to his elder brothers.

All it all the dinner was shaping up to be quite fine that was until their father stormed in with Richard closely following him. Damian wasn't sure how to categorize the expressions they were making but he let his instincts take over as he scooped up Danyal in his arms and chose the seat furthest away from their father. But if he had to he would at least call the face Richard was making pensive.

He did notice from the corner of his eyes how Todd choose a seat close to them and radiated a rather protective aura while glaring at their father. The next words the man spoke was enough to calm down even the last bit of excitement their siblings had for meeting Danyal as they all soberly waited for what their father had to say.

"I have been able to reach Talia."

Which brought him to the current situation. He felt how the air tensed. His mother had always been a difficult topic for all of them and he could not blame them. She had a rather strange way of showing love especially with the strong influence grandfather used to have on her.

"Danyal is not supposed to be eight years old." Damian's eyes narrowed as his hold once more tightened on his brother. What did father mean by that? Of course Danyal was supposed to be the same age as Damian, but he had died and only gotten revived recently.

"Bruce, maybe we should…" Richard was interrupted by their father laying out a stack of papers. The man's eyes were hard, clearly unhappy with whatever his mother had done and Damian couldn't blame him for that. He himself still felt conflicted whenever he thought about his mother reviving his dead twin after eight years.

The youngest Wayne looked down at the twin in his arms. Noting how his brother's eyes flickered between blue and green as they were trained on their father.

"Danyal al Ghul died at the age of eight. Talia revived him shortly after he had died." His head snapped up. What?

"According to what Talia was willing to share. Danyal did not come back the same, unable to handle Danyal she had then placed him in an adoption Center in Chicago hiding any traces she could of his revival."

"What?" The whisper was out before he could stop it. Todd was glaring even more intensely at their father. Unspoken works of Danyal having gone through the same Pit Madness that Todd had were clearly there. Richard had moved to stand by Damian and Todd, a grounding hand placed on each of their shoulders as the information ran through all of their minds.

His twin hadn't been revived recently but eight years ago?

"With that information I traced it back as far as I was able to. A family with the name of Fenton adopted him and he lived with them for eight years until he was declared dead about a month ago by a governmental institution."

Their father finally took a seat looking right at him and his twin.

"When did you find Danyal?"

"Danny. He likes to be called Danny." Damian said more or less out of reflex, he would recognise if shock set it wouldn't he? He was trained that way. Richard was squeezing his shoulder and his brother was squirming in his arms.

"About four days ago. Kid appeared in my apartment out of nowhere. Thought Dickie was playing a prank on me."

Their father hned and Todd's words. "That still leaves a good three weeks of no information between Dan-ny's revival and his foster parents declaring him dead."

"A governmental institution declared him dead?" Drake questioned further. "Not the police? Was there even a search?"

"They searched for him for a week before he was declared dead." Richard was the one speaking up this time. At the imploring looks of their siblings the elder brother shrugged. "I looked through the reports Bruce had laying all over his office when I…. talked with him."

Clearly there was more to the 'talk' than his eldest brother was willing to say but Damian would question that later more. Right now his focus was his twin. "So something must have happened during that time that not only deaged my brother but also brought him to us. Mother did not have a hand in this this time?"

Their father shook his head no. "If I can believe her words. She left him alone knowing that once Danny regained his mind he would not seek out the league to keep you safe. Talia denies having anything to do with his relocating or dealing. But she did admit to having had someone occasionally check in on the boy but refused to say anything more on that matter."

Damian's hold tightened once more and his brother was obviously squirming in his hold now, wiggling to find a more comfortable position. He heard a chirp and his eyes looked down at the blue eyes of his brother staring up at him.

Something has happened to his brother to leave him in this state. For now he could ignore that his mother had withheld the information that his brother had been alive all these years. He could ignore the hurt he felt over it and he could ignore the fact that Danyal had not attempted to connect with him to protect Damian once more. He would focus on finding out what had been done to his brother and to ensure that he would be safe now.

His siblings were discussing something around him but he was not really listening as his focus was on his brother in his arms. This time he would get to be the one to protect him.

"Ahbak, Danny." He whispered to the boy looking at him with big blue eyes and he could feel Richard squeezing his shoulder once more as he buried his face in his twin's hair.

"Ahbak, Dami!" The child in his hands told him and Damian once more swore, he would find out what happened to his brother and he would protect him. Everything else he would deal with once he ensured his brother's safety.

"By the way, I have one burning question!" Brown suddenly piped up interrupting whatever discussions were going on and stared at the child and the teen that were supposed to be twins of the same age. Their serious discussion was forgotten as she broke the tension that had built up with her next words.

"Who is the older twin?"

The short silence spoke volumes as Danmian raised an eyebrow at his siblings and Danyal made another chirping noise.

"It's obviously Damian."

"But from what Damian told us I would think it's Danny."

"Did you see how feral he is? He is the youngest."

"But Damian said Danny was protective! That is the mark of an older sibling!"

"You shitting me? He's the younger."

"Older."

"Guys this sounds awfully a lot like the evil twin discussion from earlier…"

"Yea the little shit is the evil younger twin."

"No, the stabby one is the evil younger twin."

"You're biased, because he tried to kill you before."

"And you're biased because you're the favorite chewtoy."

All his siblings were imbeciles, even his twin brother with his recent habit of biting anyone that came too close was better behaved than them. He clicked his tongue, though he smiled fondly as down at his brother who suddenly had started to hiss at Brown for trying to pinch the boy's cheek to prove something. "<tt> Danyal was… is the older one between the two of us."

Also Damian could feel Pennyworth staring at them all from the passage door to the kitchen with high disapproval as he was ready to serve dinner but apparently refused to do so until father put away the stacks of reports in regards to his twin, that obviously broke the butlers no work at the table rule.

[gabrielsbubblegumbitch]

PLZ MORE SILLY VEES HEADCANONS THE LAST ONES MADE MY DAYYYYY

Okay okay I'll try to squeeze a little bit more silly of me, just for you, Anon <333 Because I love making people happy uwu

Velvette and Valentino sometimes end up doing lines of coke off Vox's screen when they're out of flat surfaces. It usually goes something like this:

Vox, look, what's that on the ceiling?! Okay, wait, now don't move... OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE! Chill, it's not like you don't use my body for your pleasure. Yeah, God gave you this flat face for a reason. We all have our purpose

Valentino is kinda like that friend who went to therapy once and only remembered the part where his feelings and boundaries are super important.

Stop being mean to me! I'm not being mean, I just told you not to kill that waiter. I have FEELINGS. *sigh* We know, Val. AND YOU ARE MAKING THEM S A D. We know, Val.

Valentino once came up with the idea that Vox's pornstar name should be voXXXy. He keeps bringing it up every once in a while, still hoping Vox will agree to have a cameo in one of his movies.

Vox once surprised Valentino with this cheeky red lingerie set. When Val caught on it was basically a Sexy Alastor Costume, Vox ended up couch-surfing for a week.

Whenever Vox doesn't pay enough attention to him, Valentino messes with his Excel sheets, inserting random '69' or '420' here and there, or pasting some of his sexy photos in Vox's Very Important PowerPoint About KPIs.

When Velvette is bored, she comes up with the dumbest ways to die and then asks her succubi friends (since succubi are some of the demons legally allowed to travel to the mortal realm) to start them on TikTok. She's incredibly proud whenever she learns that some soul ended up in hell because of her challenges.

This one time, stumbling home after a party, Vox was like:

Val, Vel, you guys can draw, right? How 'bout I pay you hundred bucks for a big-ass graffiti? What graffiti BIG! Saying what? FUCK ALASTOR AHAHAHAHAHA *hick*

They were cackling like evil children while painting it. It is still there somewhere in Pentagram City, absolutely beautiful.

Vox likes to come up with silly names for his products that are almost cartoonishly evil, because he's a silly evil guy. So, he will market those Cereal Killers to the kids in hell.

[destinationtrekk]

pre-re5. one day, Excella calls out on the day Wesker is supposed to get his PG67A/W. he's so lost in his paperwork and powerpoints that until the effects of not getting it start creeping in as he heads home, he's forgotten about needing it.

when he gets home he's really, really starting to feel the consequences.

you end up giving him it and nursing him through the delayed effect (maybe it makes his veins all sting or his body hurt or feel dizzy for a bit or smth until it evens out) and taking care of him in that moment earns you a field of vulnerability and openness you didn't expect access to, given his secrecy about his work and self...

and maybe it is a little hot to take care of him when he's under the weather, because an augmented man almost never is. being the caretaker for a little makes you feel Some Kind of Way, the contrast giving you the space to show your appreciation and provide him with overly-gentle brushes and little extra affectations he can't deny. little did you know wesker feels similarly for his own reasons, having such a cute, pliant nurse fretting over his every move and willing to do anything to make him better makes him have to clear his throat to dislodge the recommendations that want to climb out of his mouth.

i love the idea of a sick and pathetic wesker because he just forgot his shot. like what a guy. needs someone to feed him soup and pat his head while he lays there miserable because he just got too busy

on a serious note, he likes having someone take care of him! i know the PG67A/W is supposed to be like... cool and dark and all about his strength but also it's so domestic. like "honey i need my medicine :( or i will not be evil anymore :("

that wasn't even serious LOL but still!! he'll grumble and be annoyed but once you start being sweet and almost babying him, he is alllll over it and wants more. if his mind starts to wander to the gutter, well that's no one's business but him and his hand tbh

[echobx]

vampire!girlfriendheadcanons - Pope Heyward

warnings: shooting, blood, mentions of smut

author's note: who wouldn't love a vampire girlfriend who is a little bit crazy and also deeply in love with you?

the vampire lore is wonky bc I decided to just use the best bits of my favorite vampire medias and add a little bit of my own spice to it

kinktober masterlist

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who first meets him in the library where he was studying late at night, and they stumble into each other. she's all sweet and doesn't even try to charm him, although he smells so delicious. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who decides to not hide her identity from him, but also won't tell him what she is. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who is incredibly smart (because she had, like, millennia to learn shit) and sometimes uses words that even Pope has only read about. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who likes to hang out with the Pogues, because they are fun and she loves to play drinking games with JJ, although she knows she only wins because it would take her triple the normal amount of alcohol to even feel a little dizzy.

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who freaks the first time Pope cuts himself because she doesn't want to hurt him, so she runs out of the room, trying to think of anything but the burning in her throat. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who thinks it's funny how many crosses Mrs. Heyward has hanging up in her home, and she sometimes plays with them and remembers the time when humans believed in the warding off evil strong enough for the crucifix to have an effect on her, but now they only prickle a little when she touches them. (same with holy water)

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who doesn't think anyone will ever suspect what she is because 1. she's not been to the OBX in the last three hundred years and 2. she can walk in the sun because of her lapislazuli ring and necklace. she likes the double insurance because once a friend of hers went up in flames because some guy at a bar stole his ring without him noticing. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who goes to hunt on the mainland once a week, to prevent bodies from showing up in the OBX and causing suspicion.

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who presents herself as the most innocent angel on God's green earth, because anything else, and she might run the risk of hurting Pope. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who helps Pope study, and impresses him with her fast knowledge of languages, including Portuguese, Finnish, Mandarin, Korean and German, as well as the standard French and Spanish and English. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who grew up in a small town in England a very long time ago, so long ago that her home doesn't even exist anymore. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who can't remember who turned her, or what her mom's name was, or her dad's or if she had siblings. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who forgot her own name so long ago that she simply picks a new one every twenty years because that's how long she can use an ID without her age getting suspicious. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who impresses Pope with almost everything she does, if it's cooking or driving or surfing or just the amount of historical facts she has stored in her mind. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who slips up at times, especially when someone talks about something she's been at, like when she recounted the Kennedy assassination in class and one time said “it was a shock to all of us” as if she’s been there, and then she corrected herself, but Pope picked it up. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who gets confronted by Pope about it all before they got together, because she refuses to let him too close unless he knows and is aware of the danger.

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who lets Pope recount all his evidence and then watches his whole PowerPoint presentation just for him to say she's a time traveler, and she almost bursts out laughing telling him that he's technically correct but so wrong.

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who decides to just tell him, but in a fun way, so she takes him out back into the woods, and he's surprisingly not scared. that's also the first time she compels him, because he doesn't want to shoot her, especially not in the heart or head. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who keeps standing and yelps a gruesome “Ouch!” while the bullet penetrates her body. “That fucking hurt, genius,” she laughs as Pope breaks down, watching the hole inside her chest vanish as if it has never been there, not even a scar to prove it. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who asks Pope if he wants to forget all about her and never see her again, or chose her and let her stay with him, with only him knowing. and he doesn't want her to go, because after all, she's never hurt him and he knows she's not lying about the compelling. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who isn't allowed to do any vamp tricks on anyone, that's his rule for her. which means she has to stand by and watch Pope get hurt by Rafe and all the other Kook assholes, because even just touching one of them would make her wanna rip their heads off, literally. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who nearly loses her mind when Pope gets stung by the bees and can't breathe because she can't give him her blood to save him because it would expose her to the Pogues, and she fears he will hate her if she does it. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who gets stuck outside of Ricky's and explains it away with “I can't watch him die. I can't” because she can hear his heart beating slower and slower with every heavy beat it takes. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who tells Pope how much she loves him as soon as he's back on his feet, and he's just running around screaming “I'm nearly as fast as my girlfriend” which makes no sense to the others, and no, he will never be as fast as her, because she doesn't want to curse him even though she can't imagine ever being without him anymore. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who gets held back by Pope, because he doesn't want her to go after Rafe (stupid) because he says it's his fight.

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who is right by Pope’s side when they are on the ship and take the bridge, but he won't let her kill the men that tried to hurt him. not even a little bit. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who doesn't like the idea of sinking the cross at all, but she is with Pope no matter what. she respects his choice. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who swears by her undead soul that she will avenge Pope and kill Rafe one day. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who shares her first time with Pope on the island, because he asks how she’s supposed to survive without feeding, and she tells him that there are different ways, ways that don't mean anyone has to die, but it comes at a price. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who is completely drunk on how good Pope tastes, but she lets off quickly after, giving him some of her blood to drink and recover, but he's all dizzy and can only think of fucking her. the side effects…

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who promises to try to survive on as little as possible because she doesn't want to use him, but he's more than okay with it. for some reason, bloody sex turns him on, but maybe only because it's her sucking him half dry while bouncing on his cock. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who tells him about what will happen to him if he dies with her blood in his system, but he doesn't mind it, because it will just mean an eternity with the girl he loves most in the world.

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who smells the lies in the scent of the pilot, but gets on the plane anyway, because they really have no other choice.

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who would've let the bad guys keep Kie if it meant to keep Pope save, but she was outvoted, obviously. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who finds her new home at Pope's after her motel room was emptied and her belongings given to a local pawn shop.

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who hears about Rafe’s plan to steal the cross and decides to go rogue because she doesn't trust what Sarah heard.

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who finds Rafe and Barry right before they wanna melt down the cross and for the first time ever breaks the most important of Pope’s rules. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who ties Rafe up and knocks Barry out rather quickly, he doesn't need to die, he's just a pawn in the game. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who loads both Rafe and the cross into his pickup and drives off, into the woods where she unties him, and he tries to fight her, but every hit he strikes at her, just hurts his own hand more than her. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who holds Rafe up by his throat, and he almost loses consciousness, but she stops before it can happen. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who debates draining him, or cutting his throat or ripping his heart out, but in the end decides to bleed him and save up his blood as a snack for later. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who takes his half dead body with her to Pope, showing her boyfriend what she did for him, expecting gratefulness for the cross.

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who is confused when Pope yells at her for bringing Rafe so close to death's door.

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who feels betrayed by Pope's actions, trying to save Rafe’s life instead of telling her she did well. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who gives Rafe just two drops of her blood, securing that he won't die, and compelling him to forget everything, especially that she was ever there and that she ever hurt him, and also that he stole the cross. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who then, teary-eyed, forces Pope to forget what she did, telling him he did steal the cross with her help that night and that everything will be alright because they are just two dumb teenagers and human, and she was never anything else but human. 

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who would rather take a small amount of time with Pope loving her than endure an eternity of him hating her.

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who lies about needing to leave town as soon as the holiday's roll around, because she can't stay much longer with the amount of missing people reports on the mainland piling up.

✘ Pope’s vampire girlfriend who hates herself for even telling Pope in the first place, and for not being strong enough to follow his rules, because she lost him through doing what she thought was right. 

please don't copy and/or post my work onto other platforms! ~e©ho

taglist: @redhead1180 @spideysimpossiblegirl @drwstarkeyy @princessmaybank @kys4-20 @immyowndefender @julczimozart @m2m2m2 @mochimms @itsme-again @maybankslover @th3eternalersi @because-i-like-toxic-men

[ladyloveandjustice]

List of "Does it Like Women" Results and whether I agree

I find the "Does it like women" blog fascinating, as y'all have probably noticed. I always tend to think deeply about this topic when I consume media, so I wanted to make a list of results I disagree with, because it interests me! I'll likely be updating this through reblogs if my interest doesn't wane, I'll make a note in the replies when I do!

Loves Women

I agree with all of these so far! Well, loves women might be a little bit of a stretch for the first Spiderverse movie (on the other hand...doc ock...hnnn), but I think the second does so yeah basically agree.

Likes Women

Kill la Kill- Man it's 2013 again and I'm seeing tumblr make powerpoints about how klk is deeply feminist and it's actually a super deep critique of harassment that Ryuko has to wear the ugliest outfit ever and Westerners Don't Understand (person making this argument is inevitably a Westerner).

Yeah, based on the part I've seen and everything I've heard, hard disagree. But I have not seen the whole thing, just those three, I do know the part I saw included rape jokes a plenty, a weird victim-blamey take on "not being ashamed" of being forced into a skimpy outfit and how if you're bothered by men ogling you that's your weakness, and a vagina wedgie. I'm not as mad about it as I was back then,and I can appreciate the show has it's good points later on. Not having watched it also means my knowledge is incomplete. However, I have listened to really in depth breakdowns of the series (mainly Anifem's podcast), so I know exactly what happens, and yeah, the treatment of women doesn't impress me. I'm on the dislike side, (holding back on hates because again, haven't seen all of it)

...could understand mixed feelings though, I guess

Madoka- I'd definitely go more towards mixed feelings honestly (especially if we're counting Rebellion) but I get the people who say "likes".

Yuri is my Job- it loves women, it loves messy women, it loves women who love women, it loves them so much, idk why it got a sizeable no vote. People who only watched the first ep? People who think yuri is "bad"?

Mob Psycho 100- Someone in the notes says "accidentally likes women" and that's the only answer in the "likes women" area I'll accept. It has 10 million prominent male characters and like three prominent female characters. ONE really really obviously has a hard time imagining women as powerful or action heroes. (this is reflected in One Punch Man too) (One Punch Man actively hates women and queer people though, Mob is infinitely better) Only one who ever gets to fight and play with the boys, and she's a low level mook, and we have to spend 75% percent of her limited screentime on whether it's actually okay to fight women, with her winning argument being "Well you're literally a child so I guess it evens out" (???) The little girl with the evil dolls gets even less screentime.

I do like that the series examines how Mob idealized Takane and how people not caring about the real her made her tired, as well as how it allowed her to reject Mob and was basically a lesson in the importance of accepting rejection. But her screentime is also really limited, and I feel like we could have dove into her a lot more. Tome is a wonderful weird girl and I liked her little arc, and I hear she gets more in the Reigen manga, but still not a TON of screentime, and even with her there are a couple jabs about how she doesn't "count" as a girl due to not acting traditionally feminine we're clearly supposed to find funny. Emi is...there I guess. There's that sweet scene with the writer girl, and the bully girl, but they're like, not reoccurring at all, as evidenced by how I can't remember their names.

And uh. the girls school episode.

Anyway. Hot take but I don't think "they're barely in the story but when they are two of them are treated pretty decently and have some depth, though there is some weird stuff about whether women can even fight men or whatever" really counts as "likes women". I'd go more mixed feelings.

Life is Strange-out of the two options I chose dislikes, but my feelings are a lot closer to "mixed feelings". I go into why here.

Gushing Over Magical Girls- lol. lmao even. The anime about middle school girls who look 8 sexually assaulting other middle school girls DEFINITELY doesn't like women. I go into more detail here.

Cowboy Bebop: Mixed feelings, probably. I chose dislikes because yes, Faye and Ed are great (you could def read Ed as nb though), but Faye also is repeatedly damsel in distress'd and treated as incompetent in her field when I don't think she should be, she can be a failgirl without being the sole woman in the action side of the group and also the least capable (there's also That Scene in the movie). also i just. it's fine that she's sexy but I hate her outfit. give her something nicer looking, it's so ugly. But my main reason for a dislike vote is the treatment of Julia. Girl is a textbook example of fridging. They really gave her so little. But yeah I could see mixed feelings.

Also do you remember that one scene during Faye's tragic backstory where she's hospitalized and the camera requires us to look down her super (painful looking? like idk how she's not screaming about it) squished boobs during this tense and important moment god that took me out. whenever anyone acts like Faye always owns her sexiness and the camera never does anything I remember that scene.

Ranma 1/2: I've seen read a good chunk of it, and this result is...surprising. Maybe by the standards of 80's manga though, who knows.

Better Call Saul- I did vote yes on this one, but I'd put it more at mixed feelings. Kim is a fantastic character, but there aren't enough women on the show at all. She's a major part of the show, but basically the only one of any note. I only voted yes because I finally remembered Francesca was a reoccurring character and she's all right, but the fact I had to think to remember...

Undead Unluck: I know it gets a lot better later but I'm not sure if a work that has it's female character continuously and comically sexually harassed for the first few chapters can ever get liking women privileges. I don't know enough about it but it might be a mixed feelings situation.

Akiba Maid War: tbh I'd probably give this 'loves women'.

Ducktales: For the second season specifically I'd say "loves women". The first season leans more towards 'like women' though, so it evens out.

Mixed Feelings

Dracula- IIII definitely think it dislikes women, sorry guys. Mina is a great character and you do have to take it in the context of when it was written. But there are surely contemporaries of Bram Stoker that wouldn't have randomly gone out of their way to scoff at the "New Woman". Not to mention again, really random sidebars about how men are so much smarter and cooler and women should be grateful to them. I could go on about Lucy and how Mina is treated and whether that's a critique of sexism or just playing into it and how it's so open to interpretation but I'll stop here.

also the book is hugely anti- Romani, immigrant etc and I think that ties into disliking women since some women are those Romani and immigrants

It really really felt like a case where a lot of people in the Drac Daily tag just wanted it to be super feminist because they liked it (you can like things without having to make them feminist! it's fine!), and the way they scoffed at feminist scholars who had "surface level readings" of the text (aka they dared to say it was sexist) still leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

The Lego Movie: dislikes women. what are y'all on. Even it's own sequel calls it out for disliking women. Wildstyle is basically the only woman with real characterization and she's the purest concentration of "hypercompetent woman must play second fiddle to Average Male loser who is the one who actually saves the world and also she falls in love with him because of course she does'. Then Wonder Woman got one line (in literally the first theatrical move she got to even be in) and Superman and Batman a lot of screen time.

Does not like

Scott Pilgrim- Don't get this result, I'd put it at likes or mixed feelings? It's literally about how Scott has weird issues with women where he doesn't see them as to full people they are, and it calls him out on that hard. The whole sixth volume is how he made up a damsel in distress scenario for Kim and always took her for granted, how he put all the blame on Envy for the end of their relationship when he played a huge role in that, Knives finally getting over him, moving on, and telling him he needs to grow up a little (highlighting how his grossness towards her was him refusing to accept that he was an adult now, and that he was horrible to her, and yes he does apologize), and accepting that he and Ramona are both messed up people and she's just as flawed as he is, taking down the pedestal he put her on. And having Ramona triumphantly confront her abuser. Scott acknowledges he has a lot in common with Gideon, the supervillain!

Roxy is a sticking point, the whole 'it was a phase thing' and her and Ramona's relationshipbeing unexplored was annoying (fixed in Takes Off) but even she had some moments of pathos and was definitely the (Ramona's) ex the story seemed to sympathize with the most.

I dunno. this seems like a tumblr lacks media literacy thing again. Did you think the narrative agrees with Scott. Did you only watch the movie.

Succession- I'd go more mixed feelings? Dislikes is fine, I think it doesn't have enough women and often privileges male characters over them, but sometimes it's examination of the sexism Shiv faces is really incisive, and she's a complex character. But she should have gotten that abortion.

Watchmen: hates women actually. Pretty much anything written by Alan Moore does.

Persona 4: I think it hates women actually. But dislike is fine too.

Merlin: Everything I've heard about the show puts in in the hates camp rather than dislikes, but i never watched it (I did watch this video on it, and the bootlicking is out of this world if it's accurate) so I can't really comment

Fables: I cannot fathom how this did not get "hates women". Not just the fact it's written by a known misogynist. I will always remind everyone that I was literally there to see Bill Willingham say the female fans protesting the misogynist treatment of Stephanie Brown were annoying and he wishes he could shoot them. I was there. I heard him. This attitude completely shows up in his work. On top of that, his conservative, women hating idealogy all over this comic. Do you not remember all the random abortion soapboxes and how hard Snow White got sidelined????

And when I refreshed my memory, I discovered the reason Snow White had kids when she didn't want to was because a spell made her have sex with the male lead and she didn't even remember that happening. I also forgot that her backstory was the seven dwarfs raped her (but then she murdered them! Girl Power!) This is only the tip of the iceberg, I rediscovered way too many screwed up things he did to his female characters. Plus blatant Zionist propaganda and a ton of racism.

Like Snow White's backstory was some dark and edgy rape revenge and she's an Empowered Woman now, only to have her be raped by the man she will marry (in a mutual rape) but we don't call it that, and now she has kids she doesn't want, she can't get an abortion because It's Evil, time to quit her job she's proud of and move to a farm to have six kids.

iCarly-- It hates women! Dan Schneider. That should be all we need but some people in the comments insisted on separating the art from the artist despite the fact the artist is ALL OVER the art, and said art directly tormented Jeanette McCurdy! There was so much content in the show that was there to specifically torment her-- the fact her character has a food addiction/eating disorder while she had a real life eating disorder and they had to have known this, the fact after hearing she had a crush on an actor then they wrote it into her character to humiliate her, the fact they continually sexualized her while knowing her discomfort with it and with her body-- I have also watched the exhaustive basically minute-by-minute breakdown by QuintonReviews. Some gross shit happens on that show.

Hates Women

Agree with all of these so far!

[bunthebreadboy]

OMG!!! A FELLOW AZUTARA SHIPPER!!

Please please please!!! What are your headcanons for this ship??? Like, how do you think they would meet and feel about each other? What would they feel when they realize they have a crush on the other??? And how do they get together???

And how do they navigate their relationship once they get to confess, considering they are both stubborn and that they would butt heads xD

AAAAAAAA, I wanna know all about it!!!

ok ok azutara headcanons GO:

these are not canon compliant cause we know how they meet and feel about each other and all that in canon lol

- azula isn’t evil by any means! yeah she’s a little bit of an asshole (or maybe a lot), but she was also a kid raised in an abusive household. katara on the other hand is a proud, self-proclaimed lovable asshole.

- they’ve been in the same social circle since they’re both kids of world leaders, but they weren’t fond of each other as kids.

- they forget about each other and meet again years later! when they’re adults, because you will never catch me writing an au where they’re 14. in canon, whatever. but i’m more comfortable writing characters closer to my age! you will also never catch me writing smut btw, it also makes me uncomfy.

- also azula has been in therapy since she became a legal adult and she has a good relationship with zuko because of it.

- so let’s say they meet again when they’re in their undergrad. neither of them recognize each other, both of em think of the other as “the smartass girl from my gen psych class”

- katara’s in bio pre-med but is 100% that girl that has three minors and a certificate in something. probably things like sociology, anthropology, women’s studies, etc.

- azula’s a business major. not by choice. i could definitely see her in something like forensic science or chemistry instead.

- anyways, they have a shared gen ed class and both of em are really into it because they both have mommy issues! which is why when they’re forced to work together on a project they decide they hate each other again.

- they realize that they knew each other in childhood when zuko and sokka walk into the water siblings’ shared apartment while katara and azula are fighting over making a powerpoint.

- katara makes an offhand comment about ozai being an asshole and azula just. loses it. bursts out crying. and katara’s there panicking like “oh my god what do i DO”

- katara ends up comforting azula and opens up about her mom to try and make azula feel less alone in the family trauma department. azula thinks she’s a dumbass but in a tsundere way where she secretly respects katara but won’t admit it.

- after that the two of em start hanging out out of class more often and (shocking, i know) enjoying each other’s presence

- katara realizes she has a crush first. it happens when they go to present their project and katara freezes up out of nowhere (which is so out of character for her) and azula immediately picks up her sentence and helps katara get through her part of the presentation

- so disaster bi katara ends up pining for at least a year because azula’s a dumbass who is subzero in flirting skills and completely oblivious

- azula’s also completely unaware that she’s gay as hell

- so azula realizes that she likes women…no not women…katara…at some sort of banquet where azula’s receiving a scholarship or smth and katara starts cheering for her from the audience (azula was tense, katara lightened the mood)

- so azula’s on stage having her gay awakening like “oh my god i’m in love with this dumbass who’s making a scene at this formal event and oh my god…” and as soon as she gets off stage she grabs katara’s hand and pulls her outside

- katara’s panicking and thinking azula’s pissed and goes to apologize but azula just. kisses her.

- katara’s immediate reaction is “fckin took you long enough”

- azula immediately goes red and is like “kat i realized i was gay less than five minutes ago please let me live”

- and therefore is subject to teasing for the rest of her life. the end.

[goddessofroyalty]

Gonna be honest, the Sefikura baby PowerPoint just makes me think of Sephiroth basically constantly getting Cloud pregnant with all of the kids, to the point where Cloud is frequently making threats to his family jewels while Sephiroth regrets nothing

It was something I thought about when I was making it (thus the final slide). Tried to keep it to groupings I have written / seriously contemplated and typically I've only gotten up to 2 pregnacies (although it did pain me not to include a Prompto + Hope + Chadley twins purely so I could call it the "uncoordinated siblings", and I did cut out Prompto + the Remnants which I have written about because I didn't have a clever name for it).

I can definitively see Sephiroth becoming obsessed with getting Cloud pregnant as much as possible. However I think it's after their first is born that almost a switch goes off in his head and he becomes obsessed with having as many children with Cloud as possible. Before their first is born I don't think he really gets why people have children. He isn't a fan of babies or children and while sure he understands the value of heirs he still doesn't see why people are so hung up about it.

And, alright, I don't think he understands it in a normal way even after the first is born but he definitively becomes a little obsessed with it. This tiny human that is a combination of your and another person's genes. A combination of both of your traits that will carry on even after you die. It is creation in its purest form. And a display of just how strong Cloud is that he can carry and sustain a child that carries Sephiroth's genetics as well as a show of Sephiroth's virility to sire them. He wants as many as he can have and probably isn't entirely above sabotaging birth control to get it if needed (thankfully I don't think it reaches that level).

Apart from likely constant jokes of forcing Sepiroth to get a vacectimy (or possibly a castration) it's easy to see a version of Cloud that isn't really doing a whole lot to curb Sephiroth's want for as many children as possible. Yes a bit of the hero worship hanging around is probably at play but a lot of it is I think Cloud's body handles pregnancy very well (I give him so much mental and/or medical trauma around it in so many verses/ideas that physically I cut him a break). Oh, sure, it's still sucky - but he has very few side effects, practically glows through it, and recovers from birth very quickly. He falls pregnant easily and does pregnancy well so it's a bit too easy for Sephiroth to convince him to have (or I suppose get him pregnant with) another.

The great irony is that a non-evil Sephiroth (which I'm assuming this is) is going to be an incredibly awkward and hands-off father. He doesn't really know what to do with all these kids once they all start deveolping personalities.

[freerangeranger]

<A Recording of the Foster Island Summer Camp presentations>

The auditorium is relatively quiet, save for a bit of murmuring and shushing. Honoria, dressed in her ranger uniform, is speaking to Ellisa on the edge of the stage. After a moment of readjusting her mic pack, she gets a thumbs up, striding to the centre of the stage as a spotlight clicks on and a small applause breaks out.

"Yes, hello. Hello!" Honey shields her eyes from the light for a moment - blinking as she adjusts. "Check, check, mic on? Mic working?" She gives a thumbs up to the sound box - having probably gotten one in response before turning on the students in the crowd.

"Nuisances! Problems! Menaces!" She picks out a handful of random students to point at, the grin on her face offsetting her accusations. "I'm sure most of you have encountered wild pokemon who might fit in such categories. There's a good reason you shouldn't go wandering about without a Poke-pal of your own. Pokemon are fantastic creatures who - for the most part- are more than happy to stick to their homes in the wilderness. But what happens if a pokemon decides that long grass isn't enough?"

She searches her pockets for the remote for her powerpoint... only to fish out Lamp the Sizzlipede coveting the remote, his body wrapped around the button. The crowd goes wild - Lamp was a hit last year and remains a popular face among the students. Honey pauses for a moment, examining her partner with scrutiny.

"You are the worst of them all."

Lamp seems unfazed, and presses the button on his own accord, causing the slideshow to start. The slide reads -

"Hazards and Rehabilitation of Nuisance Pokemon: When humans and Pokemon collide"

"So, some of you might be thinking - 'Honey, what is a nuisance pokemon?' Well, it is a problem pokemon that can cause harm to property, people or both. This is not necessarily because it is acting abnormally or 'problematic'. Wild pokemon often become problems when they begin to associate humans or human property with food. Sometimes pokemon who are highly territorial, and have large ranges clash with people as development takes over their home. In both these cases the overlap between human needs and pokemon needs is what causes the problem. Which is why rangers are so often called in to help. That is our job description after all."

"For the purposes of this presentation we actually aren't going to talk about wild pokemon. However, since you are all trainers or trainers-to-be I highly encourage you all to clean up your campsites thoroughly, and be very mindful of your impact on the areas you travel through. Wild pokemon can be relocated, rehabilitated or ever captured to prevent harm to them and people. But in the long run we would prefer that we have minimal impact on areas." Honey set Lamp on her forearm, and the little bug disappeared into her breast pocket with the remote - likely to continue his very important job out of sight.

"But! There are so many more situations where a pokemon needs help. Some of the most difficult situation are those of domestic pokemon becoming hazardous to their trainers or the public."

"I'm certain you all have some examples in mind. Of course, pokemon seized from evil teams and hoarding situations absolutely fit this scenario."

Honoria un-clips a pokeball from her waist, tossing it onto the stage in an arc. A flash of white light reveals an Ariados; strangely coloured with an abnormal abdomen. Despite this the spider pokemon chatters happily - stretching his limbs before bouncing happily to examine the students at the edge of the stage.

"Soleil was unfortunate enough to have come from a combination of both those situations. He and his siblings were seized in a raid on an evil team's base and taken in by the ranger union." Honey pats her leg and the spider returns to her, climbing up her back and resting his head on her shoulder like a needy puppy. "Sol has been rehabilitated - one of the options available to rangers and behaviourists when dealing with domestic 'mon". She rubs the spider's head affectionately. "But Sol was an easy case - he was very young when we adopted him. Let's have a look at some... less conventional cases."

The slide swaps to show a photo of a court room - a somewhat comical scene. The background was the usual proceedings of a court, with a persecutor interviewing a witness on the stand. A crest of the Swords of Justice are a give away that this is a Unovan court. But in the foreground... rather than a human in the defendant's seat, a fox-like creature many would recognize as a Kadabra plays with a rubric cube, while a lawyer looks on perturbed.

Honey's composure cracks a bit at the photo, a smile creeping onto her face for a moment before turning back to the crowd.

"This was a situation in Unova that rangers were called in to mediate over the past few months. A Kadabra was charged with Fraud and Invasion of Privacy after it was discovered to have been running a crypto-currency website, stealing millions and collecting sensitive personal information. Originally, the trainer of the Kadabra claimed ignorance to the situation and pokemon activist groups in Unova argued that the Kadabra had the right to a fair trial."

She paused to let the sitation sink in, before cracking another grin. "It's frankly... unexpected. This is a very odd case, but at its core it is an under stimulated pokemon becoming a hazard and nuisance to humans around it. While handling of the legal side isn't my jurisdiction I also... don't believe you can or should hold a pokemon accountable in a human court of law."

Honey paced the stage as she continued. "In this situation, regardless of the outcome of the trial it was determined that the Kadabra would be removed from it's trainer's care and re-homed to a centre or foster home that would provide it with enough mental stimulation to avoid such... incidents in the future. Unfortunately, this isn't all that uncommon. Psychic, dark and ghost types are high needs species and tend to make up a large percentage of domestic nuisance pokemon - especially if they were owned by younger trainers." She stopped off to the side, the spotlight lagging slightly as it followed her.

"Eventually, the trainer came forward and admitted their involvement in the scam - which allowed the rangers to confiscate the kadabra as the trial was swapped from one for a pokemon with little personal agency to a human - which is much more straightforward."

"But as you can imagine, there are nuisance pokemon where the situation is even more convoluted and morally grey."

The slide changes again to show the inside of what appears to be a hospital. Yet there are very few humans present - in fact, most of the patients seem to be pokemon! In the centre of the photo is a large tan creature - a Beehyem, which looks nervously away from the human who is attempting to get them to play solitaire.

"Mainframe the Beehyem was taken from its trainer for the safety of them and those around them. It was discovered it was acting as a 'unofficial' service pokemon. Unfortunately, because they were never trained to provide emotional or physical support to their trainer, their methods ended up being harmful."

"Beehyem are considered very alien pokemon, even by the standards of psychic types. While some say they can speak, this isn't technically true. Many psychic types alter the brain chemistry of those around them to communicate - and in Mainframe's case it chose to communicate by altering the past memories of its trainer to make it seem to them as if it had spoken."

Honey paused, staring out at the audience. "This might not seem terrible in theory, but in the long run it essentially functions as gas lighting - especially since Mainframe also took it upon themselves to help their trainer towards they 'goals' - erasing all memories they deemed unnecessary or harmful. Which - in this case - included friends and family reaching out to their trainer. '

A somewhat uncomfortable silence fell over the audience, and Honey waited for some of the murmuring to quiet down. "So, the question now is - is Mainframe dangerous?"

She let people consider for a moment before continuing. "Yes. They caused substantial harm to a human and their relationships. But - simply releasing this pokemon isn't going to solve anything - they are too human habituated. Euthanasia was also determined to be unethical. Mainframe has no ill will towards humans. In fact - it wants to be helpful. The problem is that Mainframe has no real enrichment - nor coping mechanisms to deal with boredom beyond speaking and altering human cognition. For the first few months of being in Ranger supervision it would simply deactivate and float aimlessly- refusing to engage with outside stimulus out of fear."

Honey smiled, somewhat sadly. "Mainframe now lives in a Union facility, with caretakers who are shielded from psychic influences. Unfortunately this has isolated it - they can no longer 'speak', but they are being taught new communication methods and exposed to new enrichment - such as algorithmic sorting and music composition. It's likely they won't ever be a civilian pokemon again but there is a good chance they can return to the care of a trainer or ranger who can provide them with resources to prevent such issues from reoccurring."

"Let Mainframe be a cautionary tale. Not all pokemon work for all trainers. Not all trainers are skilled enough to keep high needs pokemon. There is no shame in admitting you are out of your depth - in the long run it could harm you and your pokemon."

Soleil the Ariados switched shoulders and stared out at the crowd as Honoria gave her warning. "But! If you are interested in pokemon welfare there are also less complicated cases where a pokemon needs to be re-homed or simply be provided with a safe, comfortable place to recover." The slide associated with Honey's powerpoint is a QR code, which leads to a link for fostering Pokemon from shelters, and volunteering with the Ranger Union.

"For the vast majority of domestic nuisance pokemon, they just need positive reinforcement and to be provided with enrichment such as daily exercise, battle training, grooming, toys and new experiences such as travel. These are all great, and relatively simple ways to prevent negative behaviours in pokemon - and are also a way to better yourself at the same time."

A frankly comical photo of Sol as a Spinarak lying on the ground pouting in a harness flashes up on the screen, as current Soleil preens Honey's ponytail.

"Even if they don't necessarily want to."

With the laughter of the crowd, Honoria and Sol take a bow and Honey waves. "Thank you for taking time out of your day to come to this presentation. If you have any questions I will be around the stage for the next half-hour, and I will be on campus for the rest of the week!" Laughter morphed into applause, and Honey - after checking her pockets to make sure she didn't leave any pokemon on stage (again), hopped down out of the spotlight as the lights slowly come up.

<End Video>

Credits:

Art by @freerangeranger

Special thanks to @sneasedtomeetyou for help with brainstorming and letting me share Mainframe!

[best-kirby-character-tournament]

Bonus Poll!

Inspired by mod telling one of their cousins about Kirby lore >:D /silly

Explaining Kirby lore was. extremely fun ^-^

[slytherinlizzy]

Unforgettable night – an unfortunate visit to bar Aurora

Summary: Paying a visit to Aurora, since Jake has given no signs for months, and suddenly free alcohol doesn't sound that bad after all

Characters: Lyra Ambrose (my Mc from The afterfire), Phil Hakwins, Jessy Hawkins

Warning: use of alcohol, sexual related content, vivid description of intoxicated state

___________________________________________

"It's only a two hours car ride." Lyra paced the living room as she nervously tried to convince herself. She won't deny, the thought of a persuasive PowerPoint slideshow have crossed her mind, but that might have been a bit too sick, even from her. She ran a frustrated hand through her hair and stared out into the late afternoon sun that completely covered the street.

"Let's think rationally. What reason do I have to go there?"

What reason does she have? Jake hasn't given a sign of himself in months, not even that he's alive. She was aware of what had happened that night in the mine; the news was full of it, just as the German government itself was puzzled by the incident. The thought, the guilt that she should have been the one to be there didn't let her rest. Richy wanted her to come. All these thoughts embedded themselves in her everyday life, even at night, and dreams suddenly turned into nightmares full of terror.

She couldn't take it anymore, no matter how much she convinced herself, or even Jessy, she started to give in under the weight. The redhead was the only one who knew about it; she shut herself away from the others, refused to hear anything about them. Everything took a toll on Jessy at least as much, and on top of that, even keeping a secret fell on her shoulders. This also made Lyra feel terrible. She would have preferred to escape from the world.

And what was she about to do? Go to the very place all her problems originate from.

"This will be just one night..." she picked up the car keys from the dresser and put them back. "I can't hide here forever, waiting to wither away."

But you know well you deserve it. The evil little voice in her head spoke. This voice had guided the longest six months of her life so far, and before she could surrender to it again, she grabbed her jacket and bag, shoving the key in hee back pocket. She calmed herself down the whole way with the thought that nothing would go wrong, and suddenly the promise of free alcohol didn't sound that bad after all.

* * * * *

The woman pulled into the parking lot next to the building in total darkness. Even from the road, the illuminated sign was clearly visible; the Aurora welcomed those who wanted to have fun with open arms tonight. Carefully pulling on the worn-out jacket, she started towards the entrance wearing the blouse she had just put on for the first, and most certainly for the last time in her life.

Uncomfortable and too cut out, she thought. She sneaked through the door and immediately stopped, all she could manage to say was: "Damn thing this is."

The music was louder than it should have been for the ears, she could almost feel the blood rushing in hee eardrums. At some places, the lights were as blinding as on the sign outside, the inhalation of the smell of alcohol and people was unavoidable. This wasn't a nice little bar where you sit at the end of the day, Lyra realized, but a party place. Why though, hardly any young people live here!

She ventured inside, since she can't stand leaning against the door. She fought her way through the people – not many, but there were noticeably enough to block her way – and reached the bar, where a man was wiping the glasses deep in thought. Lyra plopped down on a chair and waited patiently for him to notice. As she did so, she scanned the tattooed black haired from head to toe. All his movements were measured and determined as he placed the whiskey glasses one by one. He looked quite like a bartender, she came to the conclusion.

"What can I give you?" He asked without looking at her. Lyra watched from the side as his Adam's apple bounced up and down his tattooed neck. It's pretty scary that someone can stand someone drawing it full on there. The guy must be a sociopath.

"Something pretty strong and a lot."

At that, he suddenly turned his head to the woman who was resting her elbow on the counter. He, too, studied her, brows narrowed in thought. Or maybe he was surprised? Did he find her question unclear?

"Lyra, am I wrong?"

"Nince meeting you in person, Phil." She held out her hand for him to shake.

"Surprising you found your way here after all these months."

Lyra watched as he set to make her drink, trying to answer with a good composure. "I remembered your invitation. Would've been rude to forget about it." The silence was long, so before it got awkward, she quickly asked, "Have you talked to Jessy?"

"I should've?"

She stared back at him in disbelief. "She's sister! She's in a terrible state because of the loss of a friend, you emotionally cold prick! Of course–"

"Quiet," he hushed, nervously running his eyes over the crowd. Even if they wanted to, they wouldn't have heard anything. If it wasn't for the music, then because of the alcohol. "And don't call me a prick."

The woman forced herself to calm down. "I'll call you whatever the fuck I want since I take better care of her than her own brother."

Phil shrugged and reached for another bottle, but Lyra didn't even have time to finish the first glass. "What are you doing?"

"Drink." He pointed at the ingredients. "This is my job."

"I didn't ask for a new one."

"You're my guest, drink as much as I make. Drink as much of them as you can, of course."

As if this were a challenge, Lyra took the half-finished cocktail from him and drank it up with two sips. Phil watched in amusement how that woman whom he just met in person – a rather pretty one, he had to admit – was so easily offended.

"Better give me a shot. Or two. This," she pointed to the now empty elegant glass, "was nothing."

And it went on like this for long hours. Phil didn't talk to anyone all night except the increasingly talkative woman who was drinking alcohol like others eat sugar. As the numbness began to take control over her body and soul, she began to feel better and better, and she didn't understand why she hadn't done this before. It seemed much easier to forget about Jake and the problems, even the fact that she was very much in Duskwood, from where she would have to drive home.

All she could see was Phil and the liquids floating in the lights, more and more of which she was putting into herself than it was in the bottles. The glasses just piled up in front of her, Phil after a while watching her in concern, which easily faded as he listened to her words.

"Tell me," she tried to swallow, but her dry throat didn't let her, "is this place always like this?"

The man laughed and looked at the woman and the dancers behind her. "No, not at all. As a matter of fact, you're in luck today, because I don't often organize such fast-paced evenings. But I did it by popular demand, you actually just wandered into a guy's birthday party."

The realization crept into her brain so slowly it was ridiculous. She lowered her head to the counter in shame, muttering a line in annoyance until two warm hands lifted it up.

"Get your pretty head up from there ."

"I'm sorry, I–"

"There's nothing to be sorry about, I was already bored to death here. They aren't very talkative with the bartender. But you," he poked a finger at her forehead, Lyra going cross-eyed to see what's there that he needed to point it out, "you came and saved me, love."

"I'm not love," she grimaced, watching the fingers move away.

"Well, we can easily help with that."

She hummed and nodded, as if she understood anything from Phil's complicated words. She reached for another shot, the sips traveling down her throat more and more slowly. What time was it? She needs to go home.

"I'm now... going home now– okay?"

"You're not going yet, Lyra, stay a while."

"I'm not going? Now... why wouldn't I go?" She looked at the grinning man in confusion.

"Because I don't want you to yet."

The bartender again turned the woman's gaze towards him, which had been wandering towards the exit. He was out of the counter in a few long steps, plopped down on a chair next to Lyra, taking a sip of a drink. Lyra looked at him with interest, since he shouldn't be there now, he was standing somewhere else before. She found another glass in her hand, this time for unknown reasons. Without thinking, she chugged it, an unpleasant feeling running down the back of her neck, burning into her lungs. Then another one. She could barely swallow the honey-colored liquid, a new one was already there, like some kind of miraculous magic, recharging itself.

"Maybe I should some water–"

"Shush, we don't give that here."

Oh. So no water, okay. Okay. Okay?

She felt fingers on her own, but they were definitely not hers. One, two...six, nine, that's twelve, she counted the body parts to herself, the rising warmth that made the hair stand up even where it didn't touch. Eagerly, ever higher.

Phil stroked the flushed face, the touch seeming both soft and hungry, far from tender... Lyra stared down at the remaining brownish drink in her hands, debating whether to drink it, when she heard a deep voice so close to her it felt like it's coming from her very own body.

"You're such a lovely young lady, such a waste you come from so far away. We can't let you drive tonight, can we?"

"No..." she mumbled, because honestly, even that one word seemed hard to articulate properly. Intoxicated not just by the alcohol, but that something dusgustingly creeping through her body. She focused so hard on trying figure it out that she didn't even notice the screeching of her own chair. Something wrapped around her legs that hold her close, a feeling of warmness and strong, strong grip, and suddenly she had four legs. How the hell did she just get four of them? Where did they come from?

The fingers continued to map the skin incessantly, burrowing into the freshly washed hair at the base of her neck.

"Olive, am I right?" The voice hummed in her ear. Olive? That's not delicious.

Something sticky and moving traced itself along her jaw, and that was the last straw the drunk woman could take. The new legs around her were acceptable, but this new thing – a bug, fingers, lips? – on her face was too much. The chair creaked loudly on the floor and she nervously began to search for a way out through the heaving crowd. An arm grabbed hers, spun her around a few times, then let her go again, finding a better dance partner. Lyra, on the brink of an impending panic attack, stumbled on until she felt something solid and cool under her fingers. She pressed the doorknob hard, and she stumbled out of the bar, all tipsy and halfway unconscious.

She took a look at the parking lot, scanning the cars shrouded in darkness with the brown eyes, desperately searching for a grey one. She found it, then another, and then one more.

Okay, then we're not going by car.

In the cool night, where not even the Moon nor the stars decided to come for her help, Lyra ran and ran until her lungs collapsed inside her chest, heart pounding louder than the shoes against the gravel, and her legs felt like they might give out at any moment.

As if this was the way her body wanted to cleanse itself of the unpleasant alcohol, she felt tears on her burning cheeks, but she continued to jog. To where, she didn't know, but far away from there, to a place where there is no excess of people and alcohol, no intrusive touches, and no Phil Hawkins.

Even the rain poured down, pelting the ground with all its might. Maybe it also wanted to cleanse itself of some terrible, disgusting feeling? Or is this how it punishes those who cannot protect themselves from this?

"What did I do to deserve this?!" She shouted, staring up at the sky, her words lost in the night. She just stood and cried in the middle of the road, not a soul in sight to hear her obvious suffer from the pain she didn't ask for. She has no car, no dignity, Jake left her just like that, Richy ruined lives, she's a horrible person, and she's too drunk to walk to the side of the road to avoid being hit by a speeding driver.

Sobbing, she took out her phone and called the first person on the list.

"Hello? Lyra– why are you crying?"

She took a deep breath as she explained everything to Jessy. She drove to Duskwood because she's totally nuts, and there's no denying that. Also went to the Aurora, where she found herself uninvited at a guy's birthday party, and that made her feel even worse. She drank, talked, and her brother is a total jerk for whom she can't find a better adjective at the moment. It's too dark and raining and her whole life is crap.

"And I've got this bloody blouse on, and those extra two legs! Jessy, I don't want it on me!"

"Lyra, listen here," she tried to get the brunette's attention, feeling that this was not the right moment to discuss why she thinks she has four legs. "Look around and tell me what do you see, okay? A house, sign, bench, flowers, a car, do you see anything?"

Lyra sniffed and looked, but she couldn't make out much in the cloudy night. "Well, there's a nice house here, oh how I'd like to live in one like thaz! There are more next to it, and two black cars on the right side... I'll go see what else there is."

"No! Don't move from there, Lyra, do you hear me? Stay put. I'll be right there to get you, understand?"

Feet rooted to the ground, she was standing on the road, just blinking in the rain. It was pouring without wanting to stop.

"There's also a nice looking rose bush," she said suddenly. "Oh, there's more! Dark flowers, Jessy, they look like black flowers! Can you imagine such?"

For long moments, there was only shuffling on the other end of the line. Lyra checked several times to see if the line was broken, but she didn't understand much of the words, and the flickering screen was quite painful to look at.

"Wait, I see you! You're in front of my house!

And really. A woman stood in the window, waving at her. The movement seemed too fast for Lyra, dizzyingly fast. The figure suddenly disappeared and a warm light flooded from the front door, a woman in pajamas clutching an umbrella rushing towards her. Muttering desperate words, she ushered her in, and in no more than a few moments she was standing in a hallway dripping wet, as the tousled redhead rushed around her.

"You're drunk! What happened, Lyra?"

She didn't get an answer, but she didn't expect one either. Jessy dried her off and changed her into more comfortable clothes. While she spread the soaked clothes on the chairs, she pressed a glass of water into her hand, telling her to drink it until she returned. Lyra felt like a small child again, fearing the wrath of her strict mother and doing everything she was told.

Jessy soon returned and took the glasd from her with a satisfied nod and they sat down – Lyra collapsed – on the couch. The redhead wanted nothing more than to have her tell everything that happened to her, but given the her condition, she just pulled Lyra close and held her.

"I thought," she whispered by herself into her neck, "if I came here, maybe it would be better. But it didn't get better. I went into the bar, you know."

Jessy hummed in understanding, but she didn't stop, the words just kept rolling off her tongue.

"I drank one glass, then two, after the third I don't remember how much more, but I didn't even count. It was really bad, but for some reason I was still sipping the alcohol. Then... your brother... You know exactly what he's like..."

"I know," she placed a small kiss on the top of her head. "It's okay now."

"I'm constantly afraid and nervous," she looked up into the pair of brown eyes with her own tearful ones and she saw in them all the sadness in the world, including what Lyra hadn't said yet. "I miss him. I want Jake here, just this one thing. I want to know… I want to know everything so I can die peacefully."

"Oh Lyra," she held her close, which was almost impossible, since there was not an inch between them. "Don't be dramatic, you dolt."

"I'm going to die someday anyway."

"Yes, but not now. By then, Jake will reach out and the two of you will have reconciled nicely, all the truth will be revealed and there will be no more secrets."

"Do you seriously think so?" She looked up hopefully at the smiling face. She smiles so reassuringly…

"The most seriously."

And Jessy was often right. Not always, but when Lyra felt she was right, it usually was the case. And now she felt it. Two can't be wrong, can they?

That night, she ended up falling asleep in Jessy's arms. For the first time in seven months she felt safe, so she spent the next seven one there; most of the time with quiet nights, next to Jessy, in secret, knowing nothing about Jake.