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ellaenchanting · 8 months ago

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Hello, I have a new sub (he’s new to all kink, including hypnosis) who is definitely experiencing hypnoamory.

I keep trying to explain to him that hypnoamory is not safe but I don’t fully understand the risks myself so it’s difficult to explain them to him.

I can’t find much online and you have amazing insights and I’m hoping you can help explain it to me, so I can explain it to him?

Thank you, in advance.

-A

Reader's follow up message for context:

"A here, I asked about the hypnoamory. It seems almost like he’s falling in love, and it’s been obscenely fast.

He keeps mentioning (undefined) feelings, and is expressing them strongly. Wanting to constantly be with me, even if it means breaking his own rules of not being on a Zoom call while his sister (his roommate) is around. (I nipped that in the bud and said I didn’t consent to that.)

When I suggest caution, and bring up, hypnoamory, it’s quite hard to explain to him why it’s risky when I don’t fully know myself.

(I’ll admit, some of these (undefined) feelings are reciprocated, and that also worries me, because how can I take care of him, if I’m also dealing with it.)”

Answer:

Hi anon!

Thank you so much for this question! I'm really excited to answer it. Not only do I (apparently) have lots of thoughts here, I'm really excited to hear about what others have to say on this topic. Hopefully we’ll create some good discussion about hypnosis and love and consent/safety- I know I’m really curious what people with different experiences have to say about this!

ON HYPNOSIS AND LOVE

For this response, I’m going to assume “hypnoamory” means love or attachment that is created primarily or largely through hypnosis play. I know someone on one of my Discords defined “hypnoamory” as a “speed run to intimacy”- another definition that can really be fitting. It makes sense to be concerned about a partner who seems to be feeling too much or moving too fast. How do you manage a relationship with someone who seems to feel so much so fast?

So- to back WAY up: We tend to think of love as this magical, enigmatic thing that just happens to us, but there's actually a fair amount of research on variables that may lead to greater connection and even love. There’s no one formula that applies to all people, but there are some actions that seem to make love more likely. Sex is one- a good orgasm involves dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin and these are all neurochemicals linked with attachment. Of course, people often HAVE sex to express their love so the attachment is already there but it's also seemingly common for people having casual sex to fall for one another.

Emotional intimacy is another common precursor to love. You may have seen this list of 36 "questions that lead to love" floating around (https://www.verywellmind.com/unpacking-the-36-questions-that-lead-to-love-8559179) . This list of questions works (when it works) because it speeds up the natural process by which people build intimacy. It invites sharing and listening and vulnerability and trust. Those same things will happen naturally over time in a healthy relationship, using the questions is just designed to speed that process up.

These ideas may be a good framework to start thinking about hypnoamory. Hypnokink play is often full of things that are known "love triggers" for many people- things that would naturally make them more likely to bond or even fall in love. Hypnosis itself seems to release some of the same neurotransmitters associated with love- dopamine, GABA, serotonin.* There's often sexual arousal and sex/orgasms that make people feel good. Happy calm feelings. Happy safe/cared for feelings. There's novelty and learning. There's communication and trust. There's engaging in an activity both people enjoy. There can be feelings of danger, leading to physical arousal and then emotional/sexual arousal. There's dependence. There’s intimacy. In fact, the whole process of hypnotizing someone is giving them the illusion that you're in their brain. What could be more intimate than that?

Then there's the kink aspect. Pretend someone has gone through their life with this secret, hidden desire. It’s something they dare not talk to anyone about for fear that they’ll be mocked or shamed. No one else in the world seems to get their kink. They don't even know if the thing they want is POSSIBLE.

Then, one day they meet a person who DOES get it. Not only does this person get it, they seem to want the same things. And, better yet, not only does this person have similar fantasies, they actually want to DO the thing. With YOU.

How could you not fall in love?

Here's a personal anecdote:

When I fell in love with my wife, it happened slowly and gently. We dated, we got to know each other, we hung out more and more, and then I turned around about a year later and I was in love. I was like a dropped feather- slowly drifting downwards until I gently landed on the ground. Happily and safely eased into love.

I fell for my first hypnokink partner like a rock falls from a cliff. It FELT like those teenage romances from books and movies- Romeo and Juliet, Buffy, Titanic- landing with a big "thump" of feeling and obsession. I was well into adulthood when it happened, fortunately, so I didn't do anything too disruptive or embarrassing with it. I was in a situation where I could talk it through. But- I remember being able to finally understand how people in love could do crazy things. It DID feel a bit like an addiction. I was going about my life and then- completely knocked on my ass. Nothing I had done before prepared me.

All of this is to say- hypnoamory definitely exists. It doesn't happen all the time** but in my experience it happens frequently. And, just like love "caused" by sex or answering the 36 questions or, say, surviving a disaster together, I wouldn't say hypnoamory love is inauthentic. In fact, I don’t think love CAN be inauthentic. We feel what we feel. What I WOULD say, though, is that most people caught up in that initial high are experiencing a particular stage of love called "infatuation". (Around the community you may also hear the term “new relationship energy” or “nre”- it's basically infatuation but make it poly). The infatuation is fun but can also be a cause for caution.

People contrast infatuation*** with "real love" but IMHO that’s short sighted. For many people, infatuation is actually the first stage OF being in love. When someone’s infatuated, attraction feels almost overwhelming. Your whole neurochemistry (dopamine, norepinephrine, phenylephrine) is driving you to spend more and more time with the person you love. You think obsessively about the other person. You feel bad when they're not around. It feels a bit like an addiction.

Strong infatuation actually resembles being high in some ways. Like when you’re high, your amygdala isn't quite working right and thus your judgment can be impaired. This is the phase where people can sometimes feel extra compelled towards bad decisions. They may do things like move in with someone they just met, leave a long-established relationship for someone new and hot, or stop doing things to take care of themselves****. They may neglect other important parts of their life and people in their life. In kink, someone who is infatuated may push for strong attachment play (brainwash me!), push for constant contact/play, or disregard boundaries that were pretty firm before. They may want to jump into the most intense kinky play more quickly.

For most people, infatuation is a phase. It can last from days to weeks to years depending on the person (and the research you're looking at) but- ideally infatuation will settle down into a more stable relationship in time. It’s not the strong impairment of being drunk (or being hypnotized)- it’s still pretty accepted in the hypnokink community (and in general) that someone who is infatuated can give reasonable, legitimate consent. That consent may just take a bit more discussion and thoughtfulness.******

Also- on the positive side, infatuation can be really fun! And being in love feels great! Being infatuated doesn't automatically mean someone is immature or unintelligent or incapable of having a kink relationship. Infatuation is just a possible side effect of hypnokinky play (and kink play)(and having a relationship)(and life).

A NOTE ON SUB FRENZY

In addition to “nre”, another term you might here around the community is “sub frenzy”. Sub frenzy is the tendency for new subs to want to do ALL of the things (and often play with all of the people) when they first get started in a kink. It's like infatuation, but for an activity instead of a person. My friend @daja-the-hypnokitten (who suggested and really helped out with this part of this answer) described it for me as being like someone who always thirsted and never got water- but now that they HAVE water they might gulp it down and drink so much that they make themselves sick. Someone who is in sub frenzy may push for tons of play in a way that harms them/where they neglect other things and may push for the most intense play ASAP.

A lot of the suggestions I talk about below might help with both sub frenzy and regular infatuation for a person. My friend suggested that what's often most helpful for her is having logistical conversations about her stronger desires- (ex. “Hey, if I give you a fetish for the color red, how might that work practically? What problems may come up? What safeties might we need in place?”) That way, she knows an idea is being worked on (which can soothe that craving for more more more now) but is also thinking about it in a practical way instead of just as a hot fantasy.

COPING WITH INFATUATION

So- infatuation is common in what we do, especially if you are someone’s first kinky partner. That being said, I definitely understand your caution with it. You're looking out for your sub and not wanting to influence them unduly. You don't want to continue a relationship dynamic that may be unhealthy for them. It speaks well of you as a dominant that you are paying careful attention to how your sub is doing and what may be influencing them/their consent.

Here's how not to handle it:

1. DON'T go for a magic cure. For some people, it would be tempting to want to cure this by hypnosis itself- to hypnotize your partner and give them a suggestion to not feel love for you anymore. That would be a BIG mistake. Repression tends to cause more problems than it answers and trying something like this could lead to really bad consequences. Also, especially if you tried this without your sub's conscious consent, it would be a big violation of their personal autonomy and their trust in you.

2. DON'T go radio silent or start backing away from your sub without talking about it. If you felt responsible for your sub’s feelings or actions, you might be tempted to limit your contact with them to not do any more "damage" to them. Shame or regret may make you want to back off. If that’s happening, I urge you to reconsider it. You can have kind intentions, but if you just disappear one day, your sub will likely blame himself and that would create problems in future relationships. He might think about you MORE after being ghosted or feel more in love with you in unhealthy ways. For some people, that sudden drop can keep them ruminating about the relationship for YEARS. You'd also lose everything that YOU have invested in this relationship, as well as the chance of it being healthy and rewarding relationship for you. Your sub being in love with you isn’t something you’re doing TO him, it’s just the situation you find yourselves in. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad one.

(This isn't to say you shouldn't be able to set boundaries for your mental health and even safety- I’ll talk about this more below. There might even come to a time when going radio silent is the best option! Hopefully, though, disconnecting without speaking would be a last resort if other attempts at boundary setting didn’t work .)

Here are some things to consider instead:

-DO have a big ole conversation with your sub. Several conversations. MANY conversations. ONGOING conversations. It sounds like you've already started having these. Great! It's totally fair to express your concern about his feelings using some of the language and explanations in the first section. That being said, ultimately neither you nor he are going to be able to control what he feels. Being infatuated is usually not something someone can just decide to stop doing. That’s not how feelings work. "I'm worried you're in love with me because of our hypnosis play" may be a good place to start a conversation but- it doesn't give him a lot to respond to. He can't just choose to not be in love with you any more- just like he can't choose to make you not worried. It may be helpful to think more about WHY you’re worried- what do you think might happen? Do you want him to change his behavior towards you right now? Are things OK now but you’re worried how this may affect things in the future?

A lot of times, starting from concrete observations might help start a conversation. Ex: "I know you've been talking more about how much you care for me. You've seemed more willing to push your own boundaries- like having your sister in the room when we talk." From there, you can move in to what you're worried about. (ex. "I'm worried you're getting so caught up in our play that you aren't studying", "I'm worried you seem to be neglecting your other relationships", "I'm worried that you're ignoring your boundaries and that you'll end up either regretting it or getting hurt.")

After you state your concerns, give him time to talk and listen to what he says. Ideally, you'll be able to both express your point of view and understand each other's by the end of the conversation. From here, you may be able to work out a plan together to address what’s going on. Or, you might be in a place where the plan is to keep touching base about your feelings- or even in a place where the hypnoamory doesn’t feel so worrisome. I know for me and my sub, we'll have frequent "hey, am I influencing you too much?" check ins. At this point, those check-ins seem to function primarily to provide reassurance to me as the domme- but that’s ok! They're also good chances for both of us to discuss how our D/s is going, what we’re feeling, if we have any new boundaries we need to set, etc. Even if I’m initially nervous about bringing something up, I usually feel really reassured when a conversation is over.

HEY, ARE YOU INFLUENCING YOUR SUB TOO MUCH?

I didn't say this above but I'll say this here- I doubt your sub's strong feelings are due to the way you're doing hypnosis or hypnokink. A lot of things probably have more influence on how he is feeling and responding than your play together. After all, people naturally get closer and have looser boundaries and pick up each other's preferences/habits/mannerisms the more time they spend together even without kink. In hypnokink we sometimes romanticize some of these natural responses as part of “brainwashing” but- in actuality, they’re normal parts of many longer term relationships. However, I don’t want to ignore the role hypnosis and kink play may have in influence. Here are some things to consider if you are worried that you are influencing your sub too much in play:

- How ARE you wording your suggestions to him? Are you telling him that he's enraptured, helpless against you, worshipful, obsessed with you, etc? Are you implying or saying you're the only one that can make him feel this way? There's a lot of language that people regularly use in hypnokink that wouldn’t be out of place in a particularly saucy Victorian love poem. I doubt these words alone are creating love whole-cloth, but this kind of flowery kink talk is also packed with suggestions and suggestions can have effects. Even the harsher-sounding kink talk- things like "You are my property" or "You're worthless without me" can create dependence and feelings of love. Flowery sexy hypnotalk suggestions can linger sometimes even if you are "just" role-playing or if you give suggestions to “cancel” those previous suggestions at the end of a session. They also might not! It really depends on the person! (Example- Think of a sad movie you've seen. You can often still feel the sadness now even though you KNOW the movie itself wasn't real.)

If themes around romance/dependence/worship are coming up in your scenes, it's a good idea to be mindful about them and how you're using them. Is this something that you both consciously wanted as a theme in play or did it just kind of sneak in because those are typical tropes? How are you both feeling about those themes now? I wouldn't say to stop speaking in ways that are hot to you both, but talking about how and when and why might be a good next step. Sometimes even both consciously and verbally setting intentions about what you want the relationship to look like outside of scenes helps. Know that even in really self-knowledgeable subs, there can be "bleed" of emotions from in the scene to out of it- so it’s good to keep checking in! “Positive” emotions especially may have this tendency to linger.

Putting limiters around a scene may not work perfectly, but it may help prevent some emotional bleedover. Some ways you might do this could include setting up fantasy scenarios/ role play, consciously undoing suggestions at the end of a scene, or "locking" suggestions to limit them to a certain person/certain time/certain place. Doing good check ins after a scene and aftercare can help you discuss lingering effects- especially if the aftercare moves someone out of a submissive headspace and into a more normal one.

- Are you doing long term conditioning? If you're doing any suggestions that linger outside of a scene, those suggestions have the chance of tying the other person to you (even if unintentionally). Here’s an example that seems really innocuous: Pretend that I give someone a suggestion that every time he walks through a doorway, he will touch his nose. This person does this a bunch of times during the week. Fun! Silly! But also- there's a secret sneaky second trigger in here. While this person is touching his nose, he is also likely thinking of me, the hypnotist who gave him that suggestion. Maybe he thinks of how much fun we're having together or how hot it is that I've compelled his behavior. It IS hot and fun! Now he’s thinking of me in hot/fun ways a bunch of times a day -every time he walks through the door, in fact! It might not have been my intention, but I’ve accidentally conditioned my guy to think of me in positive ways all day every day. No wonder he might start feeling attached! And this is just a basic example. Imagine the associations that could happen if he had to ask me before he had an orgasm!

Conditioning happens outside of play too. Are y'all talking all day every day? Are you doing positive things at each other randomly and unpredictably? Those actions are probably making you feel closer. (Those unpredictable rewards are POWERFUL.) None of that has to be malicious or consciously manipulative, it’s just how humans bond.

Again I want to emphasize- Feeling close is not a bad thing! Nor is falling in love! And even if you have been engaging in some of these actions, you aren’t responsible for your sub’s actions or emotions. These are normal things for hypnokinksters to do and normal risks for us to take. The question isn’t one of blame (for yourself or him)- it’s where you both want to go from here.

COOLING THINGS DOWN

Hopefully you will both talk together and come to a mutual decision/conclusion. Let's say that you and your your sub talk and you both decide to cool things off a bit. What might work?

- Coming to a true mutual decision about your goals and strategies for cooling things off. Open, non-judgemental, and ongoing communication about feelings here would be helpful. What does “cooling things off” look like? How will you know when it has happened? It’s ok to modify expectations as you go.

- Setting stronger boundaries. If y'all are playing all day every day, you might instead schedule a time to play once a week. You might limit unpredictable suggestions or times where you're texting during the day. You might table bigger relationship step conversations (collaring, moving in together, exclusivity, heavy brainwashing play) for a period of time to settle into the relationship and how you relate to each other after some of the initial intensity has passed. You may also table types of play for a time (for example, if themes of begging and worship are contributing to his strong feelings maybe you both want to back off those for a while pending further conversation).

-Developing trustworthiness in yourselves and each other- If you're worried about him having impaired consent because of love or hypnosis or kink or any combination of these things, talk about this specifically! Make sure you make a relationship where setting boundaries feels really good and comfortable- and where bringing up those conversations feels safe.. I know I try to be really verbally grateful when a partner sets a boundary or even gives critical feedback- it lets me know that they trust me and I can trust them to be taking care of themselves. You can even frame this as part of submission ("you're my property so you need to take care of what's mine") or your partnership/consent ("I worry when you keep changing boundaries because I would feel guilty if I hurt you/our relationship accidentally"). Trust usually increases bonding, but making fertile ground for boundaries can help you both have the conversations you need to make sure the relationship doesn’t feel like “too much”.

- Playing with other partners. Are you worried that your sub may be more in love with kink/ hypnosis itself than they are with you? Sometimes it takes time and experience for new kinksters to really distinguish for themselves if they’re having strong feelings for a person vs strong feelings for an activity. Encouraging his own introspection may help, but playing with other hypnotist partners can help him figure this out too. If you decide to take this step, y'all would want to do it within your own comfort zones and he would want to be careful about who he played with. Suggesting playing with others should never be a command- more of a helpful idea. There's unfortunately some ill-meaning hypnotists out there- so if he’s interested in playing with others, passing on information about finding safe partners and taking care of his subject agency might help him with branching out.

-Talking to other experienced subs. If your partner talks with other hypnosubs, he is likely to be able to find people who can relate to how he is feeling. Sometimes even hearing from someone else who has had similar experiences may be helpful. He could also potentially get tips on how other subjects manage strong emotions in their kink dynamics. Ditto for you talking to other dominants. This is a known issue within the community- many people have dealt with it and can offer empathy and ideas.

YOUR BOUNDARIES MATTER

I’ve been talking a lot in this response about his boundaries and your mutually agreed upon kink boundaries but- you get your own boundaries too! We sometimes skip talking about dominant/top boundaries in kink but- it’s very important that you are paying attention to your own comfort zone and needs. Boundaries help both of you continue to play in a way that feels fun/safe/enjoyable for everyone involved. This may sound harsh but- just because your sub is in love with you, that doesn't necessarily have to change what YOUR boundaries are (unless you want it to). Similarly, just because your sub is wanting to ignore his earlier boundaries, it doesn’t mean that you have to change your boundaries if that makes you uncomfortable. (In fact, I tend to be the brakes in a relationship more often when I'm topping than bottoming- and I think that's pretty common for a lot of switches.) For example, I'm really glad that you were clear and firm about not having his sister around on calls. If he’s doing things that are dangerous to himself in a way that pushes YOUR boundaries, it’s OK to say that and set conditions. (Ex. “I know you are really invested in our kink play, but if you drop out of school because of it, I won’t want to play with you any more.”)

If you’re worried about managing sudden boundary changes on his part, you can always give yourself pauses to think and decide what’s comfortable for you. For example, let’s say that he contacts you right before a scene and wants something that would push his previous boundaries. It would be OK in that case to say if you’re not comfortable with that- that you’d like to think about it and discuss it later. Or you may even say “no” outright if it's uncomfortable for you. You might even consider a new relationship rule- if he (or either of you) want to do something that pushes previously-held boundaries, you need to have a sober discussion about it first.

Lastly, if he’s pushing your boundaries and KEEPS pushing them after you try to talk, you might have to set stronger boundaries- up to and including breaking up with him. Being in love can explain his intensity, but if he can’t take a “no” then we’re moving into something really unhealthy. (I like this little worksheet about separating a healthy relationship vs an unhealthy one vs an abusive one- it’s not kink specific but has good information in general about what each of these relationships may look like- https://idas.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/02/Healthy-Relationships-Checklist-2.pdf )

I know this was a lot of information anon! I hope it helps! Please feel free to write me with follow up questions (and that goes for anyone reading). Also- I only know things here from my own experience and life philosophies- I hope other people will read this and add their perspective/knowledge! Between all of us, I hope you find the knowledge you're looking for!

Thank you to @linnybeenaughty , @ultinath ,@dancercoder , @spiralturquoise , and especially @daja-the-hypnokitten for the beta reads!; I appreciate your thoughts and help checking this for me! Any grammar mistakes or spelling mistakes or general wonkiness are my fault, not theirs.

Footnotes (for Nerds)

*I realize I’m leaning a lot on neurotransmitters here so- just to say, MANY activities release these neurotransmitters, not just hypnosis and love. Neurotransmitters are always swimming around in our head- they help our brain through its daily functioning. People especially sometimes talk as though things that trigger dopamine are innately addictive but- brains are much more complicated than that. I probably get a dopamine hit from brushing my teeth. It’s a piece of the puzzle here, not the whole thing.

**Side note- That being said, if you've never experienced intense hypnoamory, that's OK too! There's nothing wrong with you and it doesn't mean you don't care about partners. You just fall in love in a different way.

***Other/similar words and concepts it might be helpful to look up- limerence, nre (new relationship energy), puppy love. It isn't exactly "sub frenzy" but learning about that might be helpful too. :)

****Infatuation can make therapists really nervous sometimes because that’s when people do things like stop treatment, go off medications, relapse on drugs, make huge life decisions, etc. It can be hard to balance being infatuated and still working on yourself!

******Infatuation and being Infatuation-impaired is actually its' own subkink. A lot of pro work is out there on that theme. It's edge play and I'm assuming not what you're writing about, but I wanted to acknowledge down here that it exists.

#hypnoamory #big ole feelings #sub frenzy #the War and Peace of Tumblr answers #would love to hear everyone's thoughts!

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edonee · 8 months ago

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You asked yesterday for someone to explain what trans people mean when we say we do or don't feel like a gender or sex. My comment is too long to put in the replies to I'm answering here instead. I don't really think this will change your mind at all, but this is the best way I can explain what it feels like to be trans masculine.

Seeing myself and having others see me as a girl was painful. I felt a deep sense of wrongness when people called me "she" and when people described me as a girl. It sometimes made me throw up, it made me cry, it made me dissociate. When I transitioned and people called me "he" or "they", I felt an overwhelming amount of joy. I felt like they were seeing who I was, I felt right. I felt this deep sense of wrongness in relation to my body as well - I couldn't stand seeing my breasts, I couldn't stand having a period, I hated the way my face was shaped. I also often felt uncomfortable when doing things or wearing things considered traditionally feminine, but I think that was because I hated that people used those to associate me with being a girl. Now, I often enjoy wearing clothing or activities that fit feminine gender roles. My point is, my dysphoria and my experience of gender is almost entirely based on how I feel most aligned with the gender designation of man, and not at all aligned with the gender designation of woman - rather than what aspects of those gender roles I wanted to participate in.

I don't think there's one simple explanation as to what it means to feel like a woman or a man or any form of gender that does not fit within the binary. I personally believe that we all have unique experiences of gender, and most people's match up with how they are perceived by society, but others make them feel dysphoric. I honestly agree with the idea of gender abolition - as long as we don't divide people by sex either. It would be great if we could all just exist as people without these arbitrary categories acting as defining characteristics of who we are.

I can't answer if, in that hypothetical society where we don't have genders, I would still experience the dysphoria I've felt about my body. I don't know - I'm sorry. I get that there are a lot of confusing things in play when it comes to gender and trans people, and I think it's great that people like you want to understand, and I get that it can seem suspicious when there are some things that we can't answer.

But I don't think that those areas where there's a lack of clarity need to push you away from supporting trans people. We are not claiming to be trans for some manipulative agenda, or just very swept up in internalized misogyny. Most of us are people who suffered a lot trying to exist as the gender that society ascribed to our sex, and now that we've found another way to exist, we feel freer. I feel like a man because I don't feel wrong when I exist as a man. I don't feel like a woman because I felt wrong when I existed as a woman. I don't see what in that is a threat.

Thank you if you bothered to read all of this! Have a lovely evening.

Hi ^^ good morning, I just read this and I'm going to try to make my point as linear as possible. I want to start off by giving you a definition of sex and gender (just so that there's no confusion over what I'm talking about) I've simply taken the definitions from The World Health Organisation as I find those exhausting and agreeable enough:

Sex is defined as the different biological and physiological characteristics of males and females, such as reproductive organs, chromosomes, hormones, etc

Gender is defined as the (of course variable based on place, culture, and historical period) socially constructed characteristics of women and men – such as norms, roles and relationships of and between groups of women and men.

I want to start by addressing what you said at the very beginning of your argument: you said that people perceiving you as a girl distressed you even to the point of physical sickness, whereas getting gendered as a man made you feel seen as your true self. First, I want to say that your "true self" can't be the social classification of characteristics attributed to either sex. Gender is, by definition, purely constructed, therefore any identification with either gender comes from a personal sympathization with its elements and not from an innate connection to a system that is man-made and cannot therefore borne any biological bond. Secondly, I don't want to make a diagnosis out of your experience, but that simply sounds like an extreme result of growing up as a female. With the way girls are treated in every society it's no wonder that the passage from childhood to girlhood is burdensome. When a male child grows up he becomes a person, whereas a female grows to be a woman. Very trivially, the reason why I used to identify as non-binary when I was around 13-14 was that I felt too complex to fit into something as shallow and one-dimensional as womanhood. Of course I'm not saying that's why you specifically feel this way, as there could very well be another reason personal to you that has shaped your mind and put you in a psychological condition where you feel alienated from your body. But even in that case, the argument of transgenderism still doesn't hold up. Gender is not biological, so of course anyone can identify themselves in and out of it as they please, but that doesn't change two things:

1) the structure of it remains the same

2) a female who identifies as a man is still female and vice versa

You also go on and say that your experience with gender comes from feeling aligned to the “gender designation of men – rather than what aspects of those gender roles (you) want to participate in„

I find this definition quite feeble, as the "gender designation of men" is exactly equivalent to the gender roles linked to it, and nothing more. Again, I can't help but get the idea that the motive of your discomfort with femaleness stems from an underlying uneasiness with the poor way women are treated in a misogynistic society rather than an abstract and impractical affinity with the male sex.

Now, toward the end of your argument you hypothesized a world where gender has been erased, leaving sex as the only undeniable distinction between people, and you said:

"I can't answer if, in that hypothetical

society where we don't have

genders, I would still experience the

dysphoria l've felt about my body"

And, although I don't know you personally, I'm quite confident that the answer would be no. Feeling discontent over your body is not innate, it's learned (subconsciously or otherwise) through socialization. If you feel envy towards the male body and hatred towards your female body it is not because there's something inherently wrong with it, but rather because you aspire to the male gender class. Without sex discrimination & gender existing in the first place, there would be nothing that would make you resent your female body.

However, we clearly don't live in a word free of gender, so does that mean that we should endorse transgenderism for the sake of those people who suffer from dysphoria? The answer is no. Dysphoria is a direct result of gender, therefore the solution is to question the very construct of gender, and not to go through medical procedures to change one's sexual characteristics in order to "be your true self". Just like anorexia can't be cured by starving, but only by deconstructing the underlying fixation with thinness and body image. Not to mention the idea that gender is actually real is harmful to feminism. It does not only solidify gender stereotypes, and promote the definition of certain behaviors as either masculine or feminine, it also strips words away of their meaning, making the fight for female liberation a nebulous movement that stands up for the rights of – who exactly? Females? Anyone who identifies as female? Men who say they are women?

I'm genuinely sorry that there are people who suffer to the point that they want to be the opposite sex, but I refuse to advocate for the idea that you can be born into the wrong body. Believing that your body is wrong is a fucking miserable way to live, and it's also simply not true.

Let me know if you want to ask me anything else, have a good day

#radblr #radical feminism #radical feminists do interact #radical feminist safe #terfsafe #terfblr #radical feminists do touch #personal #transgender #nonbinary #gender critical #gender abolition

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serial-serializednovelreader · 4 months ago

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For the ask game: 10 and 17, Jonathan Harker!

Yay! Always happy to get an ask about one of my favorite characters in fiction :))))))))))

10. Best moment on screen (or in the book):

This is super hard, since he has SO many good moments!! I am going to keep this spoiler-free, since I'm not sure if you've read Dracula all the way through or not and I don't want to spoil anything (if you have read the book, I do talk about a few of my favorite moments with Jonathan that take place later in the book in this ask!).

I would have to say him attempting to save the child he hears the three sisters feeding on in Dracula’s room. I think it's truly a defining moment for him. We've just seen Jonathan (understandably) scream in fear for his life after seeing the three women again and only feeling safe in his room. He knows as long as he stays in there, he will remain safe. But as soon as he hears a child in danger, he's willing to risk facing those women again *and* Dracula to save a child he doesn't know and doesn't even know if he can save. I don't think he even considers any of that in the moment — he's just ready to do it. That's what makes him a hero in my eyes. Being willing to do what's right, no matter the cost. Of course, Dracula prevents him to do so by locking the door and...he cries. It's such a human moment from him and I appreciate that we get this moment of raw honesty. It's the first time we see him do so in his time at castle Dracula.

I think Shovel Day is very important too, don’t get me wrong. I just think that this moment is what truly defines him — in my eyes — as a hero and is his best moment on screen followed by him hitting Dracula with a shovel!

17. Quotes, songs, poems, etc. that I associate with them:

Going off of this moment, I have two quotes that I think go great with it:

"There are stories about every hero. How they became great. Most have one thing in common. Their bodies moved before they had a chance to think. Almost on their own." -- All Might, My Hero Academia (dubbed version of S1 Ep.2)

"Crying does not indicate that you are weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you are alive." -- Charlotte Brontë

Now for my favorite quotes from Jonathan Harker (again, spoiler-free!):

“(Mem., get recipe for Mina.)”

“‘Do you know what day it is?’ I answered that it was the fourth of May.”

“Solicitor's clerk! Mina would not like that. Solicitor—for just before leaving London I got word that my examination was successful; and I am now a full-blown solicitor!”

“If there were any one to talk to I could bear it, but there is no one. I have only the Count to speak with, and he!—I fear I am myself the only living soul within the place.”

(about Dracula yeeting his mirror) “It is very annoying, for I do not see how I am to shave”

“(Mem., this diary seems horribly like the beginning of the "Arabian Nights," for everything has to break off at cockcrow—or like the ghost of Hamlet's father.)”

“Once more have I seen the Count go out in his lizard fashion.”

“I am surely in the toils.”

“Despair has its own calms.”

“This morning, as I was sitting on the edge of my bed cudgelling my brains…”

“It makes me rage to think that this can go on, and whilst I am shut up here, a veritable prisoner, but without that protection of the law which is even a criminal's right and consolation.”

“Let me not think of it. Action!”

“Yes, there is a way, if one dares to take it. Where his body has gone why may not another body go? I have seen him myself crawl from his window. Why should not I imitate him, and go in by his window?”

“As he went down the wall, lizard fashion, I wished I had a gun or some lethal weapon, that I might destroy him; but I fear that no weapon wrought alone by man's hand would have any effect on him.”

“Good-bye, all! Mina!”

As for songs, I made two playlists about Jonathan Harker, one about his time trapped in the castle and one about his relationship with Mina (here's the post with the playlists included, for your reference!). I'll highlight one song from each that are my personal favorites.

Striking and ominous with an epic feel, Run Boy Run by Woodkid definitely embodies what we're all shouting to Jonathan while he's going to the castle. However, I can definitely picture this song taking place as he's climbing down the castle walls (lizard fashion, of course) and attempting to escape. I imagine the musical interludes are flashbacks during his time at the castle and the various horrors he experiences. What happens at the end with the hopeful swell of the song is up to you...

Lyrics to highlight:

Run boy run!/ This world is not made for you Run boy run!/ They're trying to catch you Run boy run!/ Running is a victory

Tomorrow is another day/ And when the night fades away/ You'll be a man,/ boy! But for now it's time to run,/ it's time to run!

An 80s rock ballad, You're the Inspiration by Chicago is swoony and romantic with an electric edge. This is one of my favorite love songs and it definitely embodies how Jonathan feels for Mina! If Dracula was set in a modern time period, I could definitely see Jonathan serenading Mina with this song during karaoke night (bonus points if he can’t sing, but it’s the sweetest music to her, lol).

Lyrics to highlight:

You should know,/ everywhere I go/

Always on my mind,/ in my heart

In my soul,/ baby

You're the meaning in my life/

You're the inspiration/

You bring feeling to my life/

You're the inspiration

And I know,/ yes I know that it's plain to see/

So in love when we're together/

Now I know that I need you here with me/

From tonight until the end of time

Ask game here

#thanks for the ask anon!#hope you like <3 #:)))#jonathan harker #dracula daily #dracula #ask game #anon answered #answered asks

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2boldlyqueer · 2 months ago

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Hi, you reblogged a scam from fullbarbarianblaze, who is promoting a donation scam. They have had this scam running for a very long time, and this link leads to a post with the trail of all the usernames they've used to run this scam, starting with their header name, vero-og. https://www.tumblr.com/kyra45/740721061635768321?source=share

It has been going on for months, meaning that their story of constantly needing "just $370" for insulin is dishonest. Their PayPal name is "Sophia Magubo" which is not a Native American name, but an East African one. (This PayPal account has also been consistent through all of these blogs they've held.) Since they apparently live in the U.S., they should know by now that the price of insulin was capped at $35/pen, meaning that even if they were unable to buy a single unit, a full box of pens (3) would cost $105 plus tax.

Their insulin reading photo shows a 592, which could not last for months on end. Typically a reading of 592 is severe and would warrant a hospital visit if they were out of insulin. It could lead to a coma or death, not waiting idly by for days, hoping for tumblr users to donate to your PayPal.

Please, before interacting with a donation request, check their blog. Do searches of the text username through the tumblr search engine or reverse image search their photos, as some users have compiled scam lists. (e.g. kyra45, anonthescambuster, azalea-alter) Many donation requests are honest, but there are plenty of repeat scammers who are taking advantage of people's sympathy and generosity.

If you are interested in supporting a family whose fundraiser has been through a vetting process and is in danger of being killed in Gaza, please replace your post from fullbarbarianblaze with a post supporting @/nesmamomen. If you have any questions about how to determine the legitimacy of a donation ask, feel free to contact me through DMs or askbox.

While it does appear that this person is scamming people, I have some issues with this ask, to be honest. You have good intentions, which is why I'm responding to let you know about these concerns, instead of just ignoring it like I initially planned to.

Context: I am a white US American with type 1 diabetes, and my response is based only on how things are in the US. A lot of my diabetes facts aren't sourced because they're things I learned from my doctors, or in my time doing advocacy and educational outreach with the American Diabetes Association in high school and 2017-2019.

Firstly, just because someone's PayPal name does not match the ethnicity or nationality you think they are, does not mean they are lying. This is an incredibly slippery slope to start on. Interracial and intercultural marriages exist, and are quite common in the US.

This is especially true of Native American people, who face a ton of issues around the concept of "blood quantum" and not being counted as Native because of it. I am not Native American myself, so I highly recommend you look into what actual Native Americans have to say on the topic. Here's one place you can start:

ID: embedded link for "Blood Quantum and its role in Native Identity - The Indigenous Foundation" with an old black and white photograph of four Native American men in European style formal suits. /End ID

Highlight from the article for our purposes:

Blood Quantum, as a way to ascribe Native American membership, has dire consequences. Blood Quantum policies are little other than genocidal and will eventually lead to the extinction of indigenous people. For example, if the blood quantum limit is set at ¼ in tribal enrollment, and intermarriage proceeds, natives will eventually be defined out of existence. It is almost as if this erasure was premeditated by the government.

While you and I aren't actively trying to legislate them out of existence, by judging a Native American for having a "not Native" name, you are perpetuating the idea of what a Native American is or is not, and that by marrying and having a child with someone of a different culture, that child is automatically not Native enough.

Secondly, the information and assumptions you include about diabetes are not accurate. You say the reading they show is too high to last for months on end. It is possible to be that high for many weeks and sometimes even months. Typically it's before diagnosis, and it will lead to miserable symptoms and long-term complications, but it's not unheard of.

They also never claim to be in the 500s for months. As far as I can tell, that idea is coming from the same image with the same number being used for multiple campaigns. While I can understand you being reasonably skeptical of this, I could also fully see a miserable diabetic who isn't great with tech thinking they could just use the same picture.

One of the things that happens when your blood sugar is too high is that your brain literally doesn't work right. You aren't getting enough glucose into the cells that need them because it's all stuck in your blood, which causes irritability, trouble focusing, fatigue, confusion, and other mood changes. Keep this in mind whenever you say that this person "should" know something about diabetes, or that they would certainly be going to the hospital with a blood sugar that high.

Personally, the one time I had to go to the hospital for a high blood sugar, four people had to talk me into it, and I was told later by my family that I begged the doctors in the Cardiac Care Unit to let me go home because I could treat it myself (I was in the CCU because my blood sugar was high enough that my heart was in danger of failing, and I was told afterwards what happened because my brain wasn't functioning enough to form memories). I also tried to decline an ambulance when my blood sugar was severely low, as I knew in my addled state that my insurance wouldn't cover the bill and that I didn't have $2000 to spare.

Regarding the price of insulin, I live in a state with very robust Medicaid that I'm on, and I have issues at least twice a year with my insulin supply. Recently, I had to get a friend to give me a vial of hers to get me to my refill day, as I ran out two days before my insurance would let me get it, and it would have been almost $100 to fill it early.

Let's take a look at GoodRx to see the best prices possible in a less kind state to live in, like Texas. The amount of insulin required per month varies wildly depending on person, but Native Americans tend to have insulin resistance, so I'll go with 4 vials, as I'm highly insulin resistant and use 6-7 vials a month.

ID: screenshot from GoodRx of prices for 4 (10ml) vials of insulin lispro 100 units/ml in Austin, TX (73301). Prices are: Walgreens $51; Walmart $114.21; CVS Pharmacy $93.50; HEB Grocery $101.68; Community, a Walgreens Pharmacy $51; Costco $114.40 with Special offers available; Target (CVS) $93.50; Randall's $104.52 with Special offers; Walmart Neighborhood Market $114.21 /End ID

Indeed, it's not $370 like the person was requesting, but it's potentially more than you suggested. And it often doesn't make sense to buy one vial when you need more in a month, as it is more expensive.

ID: screenshot from GoodRx of price of 1 (10ml) vial of insulin lispro 100 units/ml in Austin, TX (73301) from Walgreens, priced at $19.50. /End ID

They also do not specify which insulin they need. If this person is not on an insulin pump (highly likely with the level of care Native Americans tend to get, which I will get into shortly) they most certainly need more than one kind of insulin. The most common combo of insulins these days is insulin aspart or lispro (fast-acting insulins) and insulin glargine (AKA Lantus, a long-acting "basal" insulin). It's possible to be allergic to any of these (I am allergic to glargine) and you can get a different kind, but it takes a major fight with your insurance if you have one, or a higher price if you don't.)

Right now, Lantus is so kind as to have a major coupon available that brings the price of their insulin down to the Medicare cap of $35 for everyone (because the cap you mention is only for Medicare recipients, though it has had rippling effects across all levels and kinds of insurance.)

ID: screenshot from GoodRx of prices for Lantus (1 carton (5 solostar pens) 3ml) in Austin, TX (73301). Prices are: Walgreens $35; Walmart $35; HEB Grocery $35; and CVS Pharmacy $35, all marked as Exclusive discount. On the Walgreens line is the text "$518 retail Save 93%" with the price crossed out. /EndID

Notice that teeny grey writing there with the retail price? $518 for a month of Lantus! A shitty pharmacy could absolutely get away with charging up to that price, without letting their customers know about the discounts available.

I mentioned that I'm allergic to Lantus. Last year, I ended up buying a month worth of the version I can tolerate (Tresiba/insulin degludec if you're curious) out of pocket to have as a backup. I paid about $80 for it, which tracks in Texas as well, though it could be double or worse depending on the pharmacy you can use:

ID: screenshot from GoodRx of prices for insulin degludec (1 carton (five 3ml flextouch pen…) in Austin, TX (73301). Prices are: Walgreens $84.92; CVS Pharmacy $160.34; Randall's $183.09 with Special offers; HEB Grocery $184.34; Walmart $189.82; and Costco $200.46 with Special Offers /EndID

Given all that, this person could easily have to pay $370/month if they have bad/no insurance, a shitty pharmacy, and don't have a doctor that will help them get the least expensive options. Not everyone knows about GoodRx and other ways to save on medications.

In fact, my biggest issue throughout your ask is that you have multiple statements on what this person "should" know about our healthcare system or diabetes in general. This is, to be frank, a very privileged view of health education in our country, especially for Native Americans with any concerns.

ID: A Native woman in casual modern clothing looks into the camera neutrally, posing in an office /End ID

Highlight from that article for our purposes:

Indian Health Service, the federal agency responsible for providing health care to federally recognized tribes, is chronically underfunded and doesn’t administer specialty care. So, depending on where one lives on the reservation, a person may have to travel hours for things like cancer treatment, behavioral health services or even to deliver a baby.

You know what requires specialty care? Diabetes! Now, technically speaking, you can get diabetes care through a primary care doctor. That said, every single primary care doctor I've ever had has deferred to me as the expert in my diabetes, as I have significantly more training on it from my specialist care than my primary care doctor does from their schooling.

What does proper diabetes education look like? When I was diagnosed, I spent a week in the hospital learning how to manage. Then, I started seeing a diabetes endocrinologist (endo), a certified diabetes educator (CDE), and a diabetes ophthalmologist, with the endo and CDE being available via phone and email 24/7 (with a response time typically under 24 hr). (Also available at my kick-ass diabetes center are diabetes specific social workers and art therapy, which I only don't use because I have a therapist I love.)

From my diagnosis in 2007 up until the pandemic, I saw at least one of these specialists every 3 months. On top of that, I had access to classes outside of these appointments where I could go learn about a specific diabetes concern with a bunch of other diabetics (for example, I took a 3 hour class entirely dedicated to how to drink safely with diabetes!) Frankly, a lot of these appointments are dedicated to repetition of important things, because you have to learn so much to manage your health that it's impossible to remember everything, especially if you've only heard it once when you were still processing the diagnosis in the first place.

Imagine having to do all of this, but needing to drive over 50 miles each way, when you're already poor and struggling to survive (an assumption we can make about a Native American begging for help paying for medication online, especially considering the higher rates of poverty they face.

All minorities across the US tend to be left behind in diabetes education and support, and while there are many groups working to help, they aren't able to get to everyone. (Intense irony, I tried to access the CDC's Native Diabetes Wellness Program during this search, and initially got sent around multiple dead links! Even when you try to access the info it's not always there! Plus, it's type 2 specific, which is a whole other rabbit hole I'm not going down right now other than to say it can be hard to find type 1 specific info and they are very different diseases.)

All of this to say, while there are legitimate reasons to believe that user is a scammer, many of the reasons you included in your ask are not, and are instead based on anti-Native American ideas and medical misinformation. This quite honestly makes me less inclined to believe you, and it weakens your argument. All that was necessary was saying that the same exact paypal, story, and image have been used across multiple accounts (ideally with a link to proof, like another user who sent an ask about the same person did.)

#if asks be the food of love #long post #described #idk what to tag this it feels like a lesson on rhetoric diabetes and racism against native americans #reference #also this got so long but there was so much to hit on #i opted not to get into the fact that a lot of the stuff in this ask made my hackles rise as I felt condescended to

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soracities · 1 year ago

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Ur so eloquent and i love ur posts about the societal pressures associated w makeup!!!! 💗💗💗 u put everything I feel & think about into coherent words and I so appreciate that! Also I would like to hear ur thoughts on plastic surgery bcuz I am also annoyed. If I see that smug smiley little dickhead plastic surgeon tiktoker on my FYP one more time saying “ohhh my patients r beautiful. Anyway here are all the procedures I’m gonna do to alter their ethnic nor unique features and make them look totally different” I’m gonna scream. The patronising pseudo-kindness is almost worse than when he goes completely mask-off about exploiting insecurity - like the vid he made laughing w the caption “when a 20yr old says she’s doesn’t need Botox bcuz she’s gonna age gracefully.” I’ve spent a lot of time cultivating a healthy self-esteem & generally not defining myself by my appearance - yet even I felt a flicker of my old insecurity seeing that post. I block every post referencing plastic surgery and I STILL get them. It’s incessant & so insidious - esp for poc. My 13yr old cousin (who watches lots of tiktok) told me she’s saving up for a nose job and a BBL when she turns 18 and my heart fkn broke. No 13yr old shld even KNOW the term BBL.

I feel so much for your younger sister, anon, because whatever else I may have gone through with my own insecurities at 13 (and they were profound and absolutely did a number on me), I genuinely cannot begin to imagine what it's like to cope with all of that in the age of TikTok and IG and the added pressure of beauty influencers magnifying everything.

Honestly, my thoughts on cosmetic surgery are very complicated--I don't think it's something that's ever going to go away, and to be honest I'm not even sure if it's about that. I know people who've had cosmetic procedures done and I know it was something deeply important for them and I know how much happier and at ease they felt afterwards--I'm not going to judge or begrudge anyone that happiness because the reality is, as much as it would be amazing if we all loved and celebrated ourselves and each other, everyone's individual constellation of insecurities and worries is completely different and not everyone will be able to address them in the same way.

To live in a world where we are not defined and punished for our physical differences would be an incredible thing, but we don't live in that kind of world--and so learning to be at peace with yourself in the midst of the world we do have, learning to accept your body or any individual aspects of your appearance is incredibly difficult--and these difficulties are influenced even more by gender, or race, or the culture in which you live etc., or even just the people around you. Do I wish my friends could see what I see? Of course. But I also don't know what they see, or how deeply that runs, or the impact that has on them. Because I also know that, when it comes to myself, I don't see what they see, either. I've said before that I find prominent noses absolutely beautiful--but I know that I cannot impose this on someone who has had to live their life under constant comments about their nose (or any other feature), to the point where they feel that is all they are to people. I don't condemn people for the choices they make in this, but I do condemn the structures and societal expectations that force some people into certain choices in the first place by normalising this idea that there is a "correct" way to look (and I'm not immune to it either--I have a lot of profound insecurities that are incredibly difficult to get past).

It's very similar to how I view makeup in some respects because whatever choices people make when it comes to cosmetic procedures should feel like choices to them. But not all cosmetic procedures are made equally and my real issue with cosmetic surgery (and in my mind I distinguish it from plastic surgery because they are not the same to me), more than anything else, is when it becomes a tool for upholding and celebrating particular beauty standards that are deeply gendered, politicized and racialised while claiming it is "just" a matter of aesthetics, which is deeply, deeply insidious to me. "Aesthetics" have never been neutral. Even the language we use in talking about it isn't neautral: "fix", "adjust", "improve" etc. Improve according to whom? Why do they decide this? At the end of the day, no matter what you say about the golden ratio there is nothing wholly objective about beauty because human beings are not static Ideals; you cannot distill beauty into a mathematic formula like a conch shell because beauty is not something separate from the thing it occupies. These ideals work for Plato, but we are living, breathing, moving, exsiting in the here and now. A static image of a beautiful woman in a Vogue covershoot is just that: an image. And all the rules that govern that image fall apart the moment the model moves again, the moment she becomes a person again.

And besides, nothing can be "just" aesthetics in a world with the warped beauty standards that we have. There's nothing neutral about nose jobs in a society marred with as much anti-black racism and antisemitism as ours. There's nothing neutral about BBLs in a society that fetishizes black women's (and other woc) bodies as ours. There's nothing neutral about buccal fat removal in a society so plagued by thinness as not just a physical but also a moral ideal. I read a horrifying article on GQ a few months back about men undergoing cosmetic surgery to widen their jawlines so they appear more "manly"--and a surgeon in the article casually said one of these patients also "needed a rhinoplasty" which made me see red: nobody needs their face smashed open for the sake of an arbitrary standard whose very purpose (Beauty) requires the existence, and therefore manipulation and condemnation, of its opposite in order to appear valid. These beauty standards only have value so long as their opposites have no value--but these "opposites" are not disembodied traits: they are real human features that belong to real breathing human beings who have to live surrounded with this rhetoric for their entire lives. There's nothing neutral to me about looking at a human face and dissecting all of its features, ascribing values to some, and disparaging others, as though they exist as separate building blocks you can rearrange at will. In some instances, it skirts too close phrenology for me, and I'm not saying that lightly.

These are some of my thoughts but as I said, my views on this are very complicated and I have to be careful how I talk about some of it because there are some things that genuinely make me deeply angry. Again, I don't believe the solution is to get rid of cosmetic surgery, because I don't think that will ever really work and I think it misses the point--most people will always have something about themselves they'll want to change or just wish was different and for some people more than others they will want to make that change: and I would much rather people have access to legal, qualified, accountable medical professionals when they do. But in cases like your sister, in cases like that GQ article, in cases like that TikTok surgeon (I have no words, anon, truly...), or really just TikTok in general, in cases like ethnic rhinoplasty and eyelid surgery, the fact that the number of people getting Botox has grown since the increase in video calls and Zoom meetings....in all honesty at this point I am just tired and infuriated by our refusal to have an actual conversation about the society these procedures exist in and are normalised within and I'm especially tired when influencers and celebrities make a point of not being upfront about their own procedures. I don't care what people get done or why (as long as its a freely made choice for no one else's sake but yours), but I do care when we make it as acessible as these procedures are now, when they are tacitly (and in some cases outright) encouraged, and yet talking about them or admitting to having had that work done is somehow gauche and I am incredibly tired of it!

#it would break my heart too to hear my sisters talk like that anon truly....all the work you've done building your self-esteem verbalise it!#praise yourself and celebrate yourself as often as you can around your sister and maybe hopefully she can begin to see herself in your word #too. im not saying it will get rid of tiktok but maybe it will provide an important counterweight. and if you can maybe try talking to her #also about the nature of things online vs irl....i dont know but i deeply feel for you both and i hope some day your sister is able to see #herself beyond the reach of these things <3 #ask #anonymous

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donnyclaws · 1 year ago

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leopard is literally my drag monster icon i strive to look like it if i ever do drag shows one day. do you have any central themes for leopards drag other than the sea? id love to see it in like dog/werewolf themed drag

ARUGRGRG HONOURED, he's very much whatever i want to be too. Strap in I'm gonna take this as an excuse to ramble about this and drag persona thoughts. Like I've been trying to define my own persona for a minute, been going hog on pinterest boarding for myself and disparate inspirations, almost too many to wittle down without just getting in and exploring shit obviously. And I felt silly about letting Leopard be my character, but then it's like. What's more drag than having a person in your head that makes you feel powerful and speaks to you. So it's like well I guess it's you then huh. Guess that's gonna be me. I figure it's like fashion in general where I like a lot of it but what I like vs what feels good to wear is a different question.

Anyway yeah Sea themeing is really really central to them. I really like the idea of its fashion being very shredded, body focused, visceral but then also with aspects of like old glamor because it's just cunty, it's compelling and striking. Love love love that kinda heavy droopy hooded eye look and bold lip moment, high brows. Divine is a big insp.

I also LOVE when drag artists have associated textures with their fashion. barnacles, mould, burns, general distress, seaweed textures, old harbor ropes, everything about estuarys and ship docks that are aged ect. diving suits, any kinda cargo jumpsuit, handyman tradie core butchy labor. Second association I've kinda pulled from is lace / religious vibes because it's also reallyyyy compelling to me. Again TEXTURE dense wool, dense lace, weathering, rusty charms, crosses, sheer fabrics weighed down by chains and old belts and boots. THICK material gross denim.

The idea of being "Taken over" by unpleasantness and poor hygeine. I grew up in a way that was like viciously conditional, like trying to isolate the problem to appease but every part of your body has its own separate disappointments and harms, every part of your brain, clothes, presentation, you know. Like Leopard to me is the worst case sceneario to the parent and the abuser, like it's every trait they wish was left at the doorstep and away from them and it's like taking every bissected part of your brain and body that trauma cut into pieces and putting it back into one body that's like. Okay. I'm not in fragments anymore I'm unified by repulsion and indulgence. It's like that whole thing of being trans is like being your own murderer, to your parents idea of you. Leopard's like something that was drowned and came back, it's like all the black stuff purged after an exorcism became a person, you burned it alive and now it lives in smoke, it's a lace bridesmaid haunting you and it's laughing. Right. Warped memory come back to life, it's waking up. I don't really want to call it a vengeful character as much as it's just like. it's taking all those unpleasant cuttings and infections and stitching them back together.

Anyway anyway I'm indecisive, still early days obviously, and I don't have a drag mother so I'm just feeling it out in whatever way I can. uhhhh anyway here's some dogged up leopards. The first one doesn't really Feel like it to me but the 2nd one absolutely is. I'll probably workshop it more, drenched seadog. wouldsmell so bad. Again trying to see how I can include different motifs for it while still coming back to those core themes.

#the audhd beast is being viciously unleashed rn okay #art tag #leopard #blood

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queerfables · 1 year ago

Text

@alphacentaurinebula said:

I’m actually not sure I have a firm idea of how long they’ve been in love - I’m super curious, what makes you feel so strongly about that particular timeline?

It's a few different things, but a big factor is just what I want to be true. I'm projecting, because a defining feature of my first queer relationship was both of us knowing that we were in love but not being together. I was a teenager and my parents forbid the relationship and like, I trusted them and I loved them and I knew they were fucking wrong and I didn't know how to reconcile any of that. Like Aziraphale, I was looking for this third way that didn't force me to choose between love and family or make a definitive statement about which of those sides of me was "right", especially because deep down I was terrified that the thing I wanted most was wrong. So instead of anything real what we had was this in-between space of plausible deniability, and that's where I think Crowley and Aziraphale live. The way they push up against a really fucking thin line between what is and isn't allowed speaks to that experience for me.

With that in mind, it isn't a particular timeline I'm set on so much as a particular dynamic. I'm not sure when they fell in love and I think it probably happened so slowly that neither of them could tell you either. But I think they've both been conscious of the unspoken feelings between them for a little while, at least. I'm not sure about Crowley's timeline for this but I'm pretty sure that Aziraphale thinks Crowley figured it out first. His "you go too fast for me" line only makes sense if he thinks Crowley is ahead of him. I'm inclined to trust Aziraphale's judgment on this, if for no reason other than that the line loses a lot of its power if he's wrong.

I have a pretty firm headcanon that Aziraphale realised what was between them in 1941 when Crowley came for him in the church, because allegedly that has been Michael Sheen's belief since season 1 and who am I to argue? I think the way season 2 expands on that night backs this up. I mean, you have Crowley and Aziraphale being pursued by Nazis, and a photograph of them together almost gets Crowley condemned to Hell. The implications are not subtle. They've worried about their association putting them in jeopardy before, but this is the first time there's been a real immediate threat based on it, and it feels appropriate to me if it happens right when they're finally on the same page about what they mean to each other. (Notably, I think this is also the first time they're mistaken for a couple, by Furfur. I'm not totally sure about that though.)

So maybe this is when Aziraphale realises he's in love, or maybe he already knew how he felt, and Crowley saving the books was when he realised Crowley loved him back. Whichever it is, the way he looks at Crowley with the music swelling around him just blatantly seems like a realisation to me. Something shifts in the way he sees Crowley in this moment. It makes me think of the Princess Bride:

That day, she was amazed to discover that when he was saying, "As you wish," what he meant was, "I love you."

(God I'm suddenly completely obsessed with the parallels between Crowley/Aziraphale and Westley/Buttercup. Aziraphale getting Crowley to miracle away paint stains 🤝🤝🤝 Buttercup making Westley pass her a pitcher that's right in front of her. Amazing.)

So yeah, I don't know exactly when they fell in love and I don't think they do either. I think it happened at some point between 2500BC and 1941, so, you know, I'm not exactly pinning myself down there lol. I assume that Crowley is ahead of Aziraphale in terms of falling and understanding that he has fallen, and I assume that Aziraphale has all the pieces by 1941, which gives me a few good decades to play in that plausible deniability in-between space that I like so much.

#good omens #fable talks good omens

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jasperjv · 9 months ago

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Schizophrenia. An illness that, by definition, challenges punitive justice and the determination toward accountability built up online.

Twomad was open about having schizophrenia. Toward the end he was talking to himself in other people's DMs, and this is the clearest symptom of psychosis, at a time in life it peaks (early 20's), and I can't emphasize it enough. Psychosis requires us to give benefit of the doubt and not take what they say, or even do, seriously. The brain processes real life as if it is in a dream or nightmare. It can occur from too high a dose of psychedelics. It used to be called early-onset dementia and has similar effects. I've seen progressives treat those conditions with patience and care. But that being given is so conditional; on how it occurs, and on how it presents.

Clearly the leftism of many of you is severely lacking. You don't really believe in rehabilitative justice, and you'd hate what criminal defense lawyers do, though everyone has a right to one.

I could unpack and give benefit of the doubt for almost everything Twomad did. Like a defense lawyer, I guess. I'd hurt myself psychologically doing that right now. But I at least want to address the Brianna Ghey incident and go from there.

As if I'd want him to die for being transphobic anyway. Speaking for us as a group so extremely like that makes us look bad. Please shut the Hell up.

Referencing something relevant to current events is not necessarily mocking in the context of psychosis. Now we have no idea how it was seen by him in that state. You need an example. When I was in psychosis, I typed "I met [fictional character] and he was BLACK. LAUGH NOW." This was my disorganized speech and thought flying purely off of word association. I had just met a doctor who I felt vaguely matched the occupation of the fictional character, and one thing I kept doing was calling people by the names of characters I associated them with. And in my mind, I was thinking, "if I phrase it this way, it's like the 'I met God, she was black' meme. Now it's in a meme format, how silly." I was chastised by chat and apologized, but lacked any ability to explain myself. It seems possible, and to me perhaps even likely, that this was only a relevant reference and not intended as mockery. He also apologized and deleted the tweet. I recovered, now I'm explaining myself. This is what you'll never get from Twomad now.

Possible starters toward understanding schizophrenia:

Vampire's Kiss (1988)

Yes, I'm serious. And this was meant to be a serious film. I think if Nic Cage hadn't put on that ridiculous accent, that would've been much more effective. It was triggering for me to watch for multiple reasons. Mainly, I felt exactly what it was like to feel compelled and forced to do horrible things harassing the public due to delusion, which was then misunderstood. Because, how CAN you make people understand? When they're in the real world and you're not? Content warning for sexual assault.

Andre Thomas, sentenced to death in Texas

youtube

People keep asking, "What's the point of pleading insanity, if not for cases like this?" The kicker is, it's solely defined as whether or not the person knows what they did is wrong, but it doesn't account for so much about what delusions are and how they work. What happens in delusions is, we get an idea about how to solve a problem, even in cases where we know collateral damage will occur, then it doesn't work, we feel sorry we had to do that, and then a different idea pops up in its place. Repeat indefinitely until treated. The system as it is has practically nothing in place to give grace to those struggling with what's called "consensus reality." And it is especially cruel and unforgiving to black people, but I 'm not going to deconstruct that here.

And no, don't come at me with "I have schizophrenia and I didn't do this-or-that." Oh good for you. But I have no cookie to give. Please know that type of statement is a logical fallacy.

It's understandable if you feel safer now that he's not around. And he's no longer in mental distress. Those both are the silver linings. All I'm saying is that it shouldn't have had to take him dying, and being completely gone forever, for the threat to neutralize. I'm saying it's a waste that he couldn't get help instead, and it's a waste he'll never be able to speak for himself again in case anyone ever needed it, it's a tragedy his parents have lost a son, and I'm disappointed. I. Am. Disappointed.

#editorial article #schizophrenia #psychosis #twomad #death #Youtube

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maagi3 · 2 months ago

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Fandoms and Characters

Because it's so relevant in the purview of my current fandom obsession, I wanted to put my thoughts out on fandoms and the characters that people latch onto.

When someone latches onto a character, there's usually a reason for it. Whether it's their physical appearance, their personality, their aesthetic, their voice, their story -- there are so many ways someone might attach to a character. And the creatives of the fandom will, of course, create.

What I don't get, and something that continues to baffle me especially with characters I like, is how someone can claim to be a fan of a character (or characters) and yet strip every single identifying feature of said character in their creative work. What part of the character do you like if you're going to entirely change their personality and their interactions with other characters? Especially in the written word, what is the point of writing a story if the character no longer resembles their namesake?

It becomes even worse in the shipping part of fandoms. People are, of course, allowed to ship the characters they want to ship. I can happily block or mute the tags associate (which, of course, requires the creative to tag things properly). But that doesn't stop me from questioning how someone can like a ship when they completely change both characters and erase every identifying feature they have from the source material. I suppose the superficial idea of two people that someone likes physically and doesn't care about any other trait could explain it, but it just feels like you should be writing OCs at that point. When the character is tagged as coming from a source material yet doesn't look, act, or sound like said character, why bother tagging them at all? And it isn't necessarily a case of characterization preferences -- many characters have clearly defining features that, when removed, make them seem very unlike the character they're tagged as being.

It's particularly relevant now with my current obsession/ship. Anyone that looks at my blog or my AO3 would, of course, know what I'm talking about, but for the sake of keeping this more general I won't post them here. I simply cannot read almost any fic written about my current obsession because the characterization of these characters is so thoroughly botched that if I see them in the tags, I just assume that they aren't the characters that I'm looking for. And I won't sit here and say that my writing keeps them in character any better than others, but I do actively try. I want them to sound like they're supposed to sound, be who they're supposed to be, not some idealized version of them from a source separate from the canon. Even for AUs, I want the characters to still be recognizable. And regardless of opinion, I like to think that I'm successful.

I don't really have anything else to say, it's just something I wanted to get written out somewhere. It can be cathartic to blog about it somewhere that isn't just private, that is open for others to read, even if I'm not really looking for a debate or responses from anyone. At the end of the day, the only person I can control is myself and the content I create. Which I will happily continue to do.

#maagi3 #blog post

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deathbypixelz · 7 months ago

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I had a bit of a revelation today and wanted to share. As it deals with my experience as a woman, I'm going to preface with this: Trans women are women, and this post isn't for anyone who disagrees with that.

Also wanted to say I know pronouns don’t directly correlate with gender. “She/her” doesn’t only mean “woman”, etc etc.

With that out of the way, I wanted to talk about why I, a cis woman, prefer strangers to call me “he/him” and friends/family/etc. to call me “she/her”.

--- ---

Depending on who you are and how close we are, I either use she/her or he/him. If we know each other, and/or you’re queer as well, use she/her for me. If I don’t know you and you’re not queer in some way, I’d prefer if you use he/him. Seems arbitrary, and I guess on an objective level it is, but I wanted to share my thoughts on why I feel that way. Emphasis on feel: this is my personal experience and it has no bearing on anyone else’s.

As a kid, I had a moment when I looked away from my shows and books where the boys and men have emotions, go on journeys, and have character arcs, while the girls and women sit in the back without real emotion, only follow the men on journeys or don’t have journeys at all, and don’t grow as people, and realized “I’m also a person, like the boys are”. The flat, non-people who also happened to be women were who I’d been taught to associate with, but they weren’t like me, because I was a person. Now, I was working within the bounds of a very limited child’s understanding at the time. Obviously we’re all people, but only the men in those stories were allowed to be people. When women were people, I thought “she’s acting like a man”. Maybe the text even outright framed it that way. In reality, they were just given the traits of a person, which I’d been conditioned to associate with “man-ness”.

Later on, this subconscious association came back to bite me. For a time, I thought I was a demigirl or some variation thereof, because I didn’t fully identify with the definition of “woman” I’d been taught. I viscerally hate the idea of children/childbearing, I only very rarely wear makeup (and even then “it’s not the kind women wear”), I don’t dress in traditionally feminine ways, etc. And, well, I’m a person with her own thoughts and dreams and wants and fears. I simply don’t fit into that incredibly narrow, reductive, and specific cisheteronormative definition. I never have. So, at the time, I thought “I must not be a woman then.”

But using she/they and calling myself a demigirl didn’t feel right either. This was frustrating, because I wanted a name to call myself by. And “woman” was right for me… just not this society’s definition. After a lot of thinking I realized I had a different definition of woman, and so that settled that. I am a woman. Just not the kind we (90s/early 00s babies) were taught about.

I did want to say though: Defining “woman” is, I believe, impossible. As is defining “man”. Or any other gender. If you ask me, at the end of the day it’s an attempt to describe something that’s so subjective and variable and ethereal there’s almost no use trying. It’s just a “you know it when you see it” thing. Or I guess “you know it when you feel it”. I can’t truly define the cisheteronormative woman, and I can’t define my own version of woman, but I do know they’re not equivalent in the slightest.

So how does this relate to my two sets of pronouns? Well, when someone knows me, or when a stranger is also queer and thus I can trust already has a different understanding of these things, I can also trust they’re using she/her for me in a way that at least somewhat aligns with how I use it for myself. I use it to refer to my personal definition of “woman”.

But, when a non-queer stranger refers to me, “he/him” feels more appropriate. Because to my ears, a non-queer stranger’s “she/her” refers to a definition of woman that is simply not what I am. And when we must work within the incredibly limiting cishet binary, the cishet “he/him” is actually closer to my “she/her” than the cishet “she/her” is.

It’s like translating languages, if I must compare it to something. There is no true equivalent in “the cisheteronormative language” to my she/her. “He/him” is what comes closest.

For an example: I don’t put my pronouns out there when I’m playing video games, because I’m concerned about opening myself up to harassment; “she/her” in that environment often means “someone to pick on”. That’s less true nowadays than it used to be, thank fuck, but it’s still a concern of mine. By leaving myself undefined, the average cishet male gamer will assume and call me “he/him”, thus treating me as an equal. Because I am. We’re both people. “He/him” is the closest equivalent in his “language” to what my pronouns “actually” are.

…I don’t really know how to conclude this little essay. But I wanted to share, because I’ve never seen anyone talk about this sort of pronoun usage, and I figured it might help someone out there figure things out.

And once again: this is all my personal experience and view of things. You can disagree on every point, and that’s fine. That’s your truth. This is mine.

Gender is made up, pronouns are just words, do whatever you want forever.

#not art #lgbtq #queer

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moonjxsung · 7 months ago

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Star!!

I miss your writings and I keep coming back~ It sucks that you had to take some of them down, but I agree that people should appreciate your work beyond the smut thing. Your writing is top-notch and could totally be on the best-seller shelves if you ever decide to publish it! Show some respect, peeps!

Anyway, when you talk about why did you start Tumblr, it reminded me of myself. We're the same age and kind of similar in terms of our experience with religion and our escapism. But I'm impressed (and grateful) that you still could be productive when going through that. For me, it messed up my life and I didn't know how to handle it. I went to one of the best universities in my country and almost dropped out 3 years ago. I took a break for a year and transferred to The Open University so I could finish my degree while working (yes, I am still in college). I'm still struggling, but life is getting better now.

And I just wanna thank you for writing such comforting stories, they are one of my coping mechanisms! <3 They help me cry (yes, cry is good) through my bad days. :)

Oh my sweet angel :( I wish you could see the way I teared up reading this. (TW: religious trauma)

First off- I want to reiterate that you’re doing absolutely phenomenal given the circumstances. It’s not easy by any means and I still feel like I’m under constant condemnation under some watchful eye every single day that I’m alive. It hinders my ability to go out, embrace my sexuality, be a human being- even to write on some days. It’s so difficult not to associate the unfortunate events that life throws your way with the punishments of some cruel god. I went through something in my sophomore year of college that permanently changed me and I’m still so certain it had to be divine intervention- in both a way that benefitted me, but hurt first it hurt me badly.

I carried around a bible with me for the 2 years I was out of a job and shut inside of my room, just ruminating on the past, studying religion, trying to make sense of science and divinity alike. And I don’t think I was ever able to fully grasp it- as a concept, as a lifestyle, as something people could comfortably live with. I had a friend who converted to Christianity in the same period of time I was struggling with it, who verbally called me to say she “heard the voice of Christ” and had begun her transition to Christianity, the very same religion I was struggling with. I cried to my sister that very same night and I stayed up all night wondering why I’d never experienced the same, why I felt like I wasn’t worthy of a relationship with a higher power no matter how hard I tried. And despite struggling so hard, my intrusive thoughts led me to believe I was going to die at any given moment, and I couldn’t go anywhere without my bible. Imagine trying to explain to your best friend why you HAVE to sneak a bible into the movie theater on your 21st birthday celebration despite not believing in god anymore. That was a new low 🤕

I was told to believe in something from a young age that would dictate my entire life, and it fucked me up real bad. And just when I felt that I needed answers, I felt more abandoned than ever. I can’t seek them out without risk of being converted or swayed into some cult-ish organization, and people want to comfort me with the standard “don’t think about it!” And it’s like…. I physically cannot. I am overrun by my ocd and intrusive thoughts, religion is on my mind 24/7 and I’m overcome with guilt at any given moment.

You are not defined by your struggles with divinity- they’re simply heavy burdens you bear. And I know it’s hard, but do whatever you need to do in order for some peace of mind. For me, in college it meant skipping a lot of lectures when I needed to, being open to my professors about what was happening, quitting my job for some time and just allowing myself to feel and question anything that needed to. I’m doing better, but I still bear the burdens and I think that I always will. And in the meantime, I write to distract myself, and I pull back when I feel consumed by guilt again. Just play life by ear and know that we’re all going at our own pace ❣️ I love you very much and I’m always here if you need to talk about it. Sending you all the love in the world, I’m so glad to hear things are getting a little better and I have no doubt that you’ll get there in due time :’)

#anon <3 #ask

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unbidden-yidden-deactivated20240 · 2 years ago

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The whole "culturally Xtian" debate is going around again and I've so far been staying out of it, because I feel like I've said most everything I have to say about it, BUT. I now have additional thoughts and can no longer help myself.

To recap earlier posts of mine:

I still think it would help The Disc Horse to focus on describing behavior rather than assigning immutable traits to people on the internet you almost certainly don't know.

Therefore I don't think we need a *new* term so much as some minor grammatical modifications.

Namely: Collectively, a group, a society, an idea, a behavior, etc. can certainly be culturally Xtian. Individually, a person can be engaging in a culturally Xtian behavior or arguing a culturally Xtian idea. If you really must describe the whole person's culture, making it a verb indicates better the lack of choice: i.e. - "from a christianized culture." Obviously if someone identifies themselves as culturally Xtian, that's a totally separate and fine thing.

I still think the baseline problem here is unexamined Xtian antisemitism repackaged as "secularism" or "rationalism."

I feel like nearly every post I've seen about this has treated the term like it's clearly defined and obvious, and then proceeded to define it in an interesting and unique way. It's amorphous and ubiquitous enough that it almost seems to have taken on the "obscenity" problem: How do you define obscenity? You'll know it when you see it.

This is actually completely fine, so long as people are aware of and honest about that factor. Which does mean that there needs to be some nuance in how it does or does not apply to any given person at any given time.

It's also really important to ask "whose Xtianity?" and not treat a global religion with 2.6 billion adherents (and a truly dizzying number of denominations) as a hivemind. There are certainly general Xtian theological ideas that bleed out into the societies they exist in, but let's be honest about how truly weird American neo-Puritanism/late Calvinism is, too.

However, some stray comments/questions that I think are new and I'm interested if people have thoughts/answers:

I think the mixed message that's going out is that yeah - culturally Xtian people are always culturally Xtian and that is a theoretically neutral identity, but it's usually only relevant and therefore only being brought up when that background happens to be causing them to further the oppression of religious minorities, namely, antisemitism. So the overall perception from the people on the receiving end of it is that this is a Bad thing because they only associate it with being called out for antisemitic ideas. It's not *just* the trauma they individually may have, but also the context in which they're hearing about it. I think if it had first gained traction in the context of people identifying additional ways to deconvert by deconstructing these Xtian hegemonic ideas, we'd be having a totally different conversation here.

I saw a post about how Xtianity views itself as modular and completely distinct from culture in a way that few, if any, other religions do. I mostly agree, but I do think that's specifically because I'm Jewish. I think viewing culture and religion as inseparably intertwined is very specifically an ethnoreligious viewpoint that others the mainstream hegemonic Xtian view of "religion" as modular. And I suspect that is at least part of why it has gotten such a negative reaction.

There have been lots of comments about how Xtian secularism is still culturally Xtian (with France as one very clear-cut example); however, I would be extremely interested in seeing how this stacks up to, say, Chinese secularism that is of course not culturally Xtian. I definitely don't know anywhere close to enough to comment; just, that if we're going to make claims about Xtianity's arbitrary bifurcation of what is "religious" versus what is "cultural," we need a counter-example of intentional, large-scale non-Xtian secularism. I know literally just enough about the Cultural Revolution to know that it would be extremely interesting to learn from someone who did know what they were talking about to see how those divide lines compare to the divide lines in culturally Xtian societies. I'd also be interested in other examples as well; that's just the primary one I thought of.

And just to really make sure I beat on every hornets' nest because I apparently love headaches: Are we gonna talk about the cultural Xtianity within American Jewish communities? I bring this up specifically because if we are going to go hard on keeping out forms of cultural Xtianity from outsiders, it would behoove us to understand what we are protecting and make sure we've addressed the calls coming from inside the house. How do we talk about it respectfully when fellow Jews are exhibiting these same ideas and behaviors? Can that analysis also be applied out to others? Should it be?

I think it would also be fascinating (albeit a much larger discussion) to consider whether, if what we consider culture, religion, and/or societal ethics to be so interconnected as to be functionally different aspects of the same concept, then is a secular society even possible? Is individual secularity? Or is it simply a continuum of individuals' ritual observance, faith, and spirituality? Because the answers to those questions have some significant ramifications on this whole conversation.

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doin-just-fine · 1 year ago

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What the brain doin?? PT. 2 of a questioning median system's journey

TW: This post may be triggering for systems who are prone to denial spirals.

"Plural vs Neurodivergent"

Am I a system or just neurodivergent

As I continue my potential system journey I want to make sure that I am open to other non-options as being answers to my situation. I don't wanna jump blindly into "I'm a system". I need to keep in mind that I am neurodivergent and just so happen to have a hyper-fixation on plurality. I need to remember that some symptoms may be confused with symptoms of my ADHD. I also need to make sure that I'm not just running into this because its one of my hyper-fixations. So...

Comparing masking and code switching to my experiences

Background

I was never really told about my ADHD beyond it makes it harder for you to control impulses, sit still, and focus. When I was diagnosed at age 8 there wasn't really enough information out there anyway. I started medication immediately and have been taking in every single day of my life since. I am now 22.

What handling my ADHD like this means:

Developing a tolerance to a dosages happened faster because I never took a break so I was on a really strong dosages really fast.

I grew up really distant from my ADHD symptoms (and other things) beyond the ones that broke through the medicated barrier.

When I take breaks from my meds now, I have the coping skills of a 2nd grader.

I am almost 100% certain that all my system questioning started when I ran out of meds and couldn't get more for several weeks back in April. The other things I grew up distant from were my emotions. I can feel the highs and lows but I can't feel the in-betweens. If you ask how I'm doing at any given moment I'll usually answer "idk" cus I genuinely don't know. I don't know how to answer that question.

My working theory as to why we might be a system is that we are a Neurogenic system. That our neurodivergency and how we coped with it is why we split off but in a "not-really" way.

Since I grew up with little information about what ADHD was and how distant I grew up from my own symptoms means that I am less familiar with the definitions of masking and code-switching than your average ADHD haver. I understand what they are and when I do them but I am fuzzy on how far those coping techniques go for me.

Comparing masking/code-switching to a plural experience.

Masking is typically defined as a technique used by neurodivergent people to hide their symptoms in an attempt to blend in with neurotypicals. Examples of this that I know I do are forcing eye contact, adding fill words when listening to someone to show you are actively listening ("right", "uh-huh", "totally", etc) usually paired with non-stop head nodding, not stimming or relying of little subtle stims, putting up with sensory nightmare environments, etc. When I find that when I'm adding things to my mask I have to actively remind myself while masking to do the thing but overtime it becomes habit.

Code-switching is typically associated with linguistics but is also used to describe the neurodivergent technique of context masking. From what I can tell, code-switching is what happens if you have two different friend groups with two very different vibes. When you hang out with one group you're going to mask and present yourself differently to fit in better than you would with the other group. Another popular example is theres you when you're with your friends and you're when you work in costumer service. Typically, those are two different ways of behaving. Code-switching and masking tend to over lap. Code-switching is like being able to pick the mask you put on.

I've read that typically, masking is unconsciously executed and code-switching is consciously executed.

Switching/Fronting can definitely fall into a similar pattern. If an alter is fronting and need to interact with someone they may mask to appear like the host OR if the host is co-con they may take control for a moment when interacting with someone. Similarly, some systems may have a member who's role is to go to work and so they may appear as the "work persona". I'm also sure there are systems who have members that are drawn out while around certain friends or friend groups, or even other system's alters!

You can start to see why this can get really confusing!!

Comparing my experience

It's so hard to draw the line on what is or isn't a "typical" experience anymore.

I disagree with the idea that masking is typically unconsciously utilized for me at least. I feel like my mask is always evolving and being improved upon, as a result I am constantly thinking about it and how well it's working. Yes, a lot of the mask becomes habit but on days where masking is hard I have to actively think about keeping up the mask.

As for code switching I feel like that can also become more unconscious over time. I worked in customer service for 4 years, I only had to actively think about code-switching for the first month really then it just became habit. In my first post, when describing what it's like to exist in my brain, one way I described it was:

"The way people describe masking but for me it feel like a more extreme level, where I’m not TRYING to change my behavior, it just sorta happens and I’m 'someone else'. What I called masking felt more like skipping songs in a playlist to get to the right one instead of putting on a mask."

I think this is actually me describing code switching. The other descriptions I listed in that post still stand.

I have never experienced someone else fronting (to my knowledge). As far as I'm aware I'm always in the front. I have no amnesia except for emotional amnesia where I am emotionally detached from certain memories. I'm going to make a separate post about dissociation because that's another confusing one. To really simplify, The closest I get to evidence of others in my mind are thoughts that don't feel like mine, and feelings that don't feel like mine.

I don't want to reflect on past times where I think someone may have been co-con and compare that to how I experience masking/code-switching because I can easily insert things that never happened into that reflection. Mayhaps I will wait until a moment like that happens after I post this and I'll make an edit to the post and reblog it.

Until then don't know what to conclude from all of this. Hopefully it helps someone else compare their experiences. If I am wrong about thing stated here please let me know. As always if you want me to expand upon something mentioned or have any questions, comments, or comparisons my asks are open please feel free to put it all there!!!

#median system #questioning system #plurality #system #actually plural #What the brain doin #actually median #questioning median system #plural community #neurogenic

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