#in a big 30s/40s horror mood

[uspiria]

The Creeper (1948) dir. Jean Yarbrough

[piperscharm]

Nico Hcs bc I have wayyyy too many

He likes fruit snacks. Not bc hes gay or anything he just likes fruit snacks. That’s it.

He can play violin like his mother, Maria. He also learned the acoustic guitar at camp (Will likes to suggest the Star Wars theme track for him to play and Nico rarely does so for him). He also can play piano bc I think it goes with the whole “I grew up in the 30s/40s” thing.

The lord of darkness, controller of shadows, the ghost king is so ticklish. Him and Bianca used to have tickle fights and when Will tickles him he feels melancholy and happy at the same time.

This hc is very popular, he can sing beautifully. But it doesn’t end there, he can only sing good in the shower and he sounds decent at the camp fire but since hes 15 going thru puberty, theres lots of voicecracks.

As much as everyone loves the hc that Bianca would accept him for being gay if he could still visit her, I disagree. They grew up in the 30s/40s and you all saw how Nico was closeted for 4 years before being outed. He obviously grew up in a place where it was heavily discriminated against and that included his home so I think Bianca would be hesitant/taken aback at first but after some time, she eventually accepts it (I like to think this because of how she saw Achilles and Patroclus interact in Elysium and started to reconsider her homophobic acts).

After Will introduces him to 80s rock, he is invested and involved and geeking out about music more than Will atp. He also likes calmer artists tho like Fleetwood Mac and MAYBE Lana Del Rey. Idk tho.

His first job would totally be a haunted house operator. Also his dad and Will would force to get a job to build social skills too lol.

Everyone thinks his eyes r creepy and dehumanizing but if you actually, like, LOOK into them carefully, his eyes are full of a lot if pain and misery but they are kind and gentle as well. Also, after meeting Will, you can start to see some sparkle in his eyes.

His favorite types of movies are the ones with big plot twists. You would think his fav genre is horror and he likes it but he actual fav genre is actually like tender and loving romance and coming of age movies. But as I said, big plot twists. Like Sweeny Todd, The Village or Pan’s Labyrinth. Idk if he would watch those specifically but movies like those. Especially Sweeny Todd, tho, he would watch that.

He is so soft for his little sister (cannon) and he gets her any candy she wants from a nearby store or gas station when she’s on her period. And usually, Hazel doesn’t tell anyone bc that how it was in the 30s/40s but Nico can see the change her mood for a few days straight or here a pad opening in the bathroom before bed or something. He also doesn’t just go like “bought you chocolate for ur period” and hand it to her in front of everyone, no. He is actually very understanding after living with Bianca for decades and gets her a red show box or something and puts candy, a heating pad and a new stuffed animal every time in there for her and sets it on her bed bc Hazel’s last, like, a week as a personal hc. So yeah, he’s very soft and loves his little sister rjrnrbbebe.

ONE MORE, some solangelo for the heart ig. He likes to personally teach Will how to play the guitar bc he wanted to learn and Nico helps him tune his guitar and all of that. Nico usually teaches him in Cabin 7 in winter when no one’s in there so they have some alone time and just have fun w/ it in general. (Bonus: Will asks Nico to kiss his callused fingers after the first few lessons when his fingers are red after and Nico does so when he said Will did good this time. Nico means good as in being extra cute and fun today.)

[purplesurveys]

1895

How are you doing today? I think I'm doing okay. I felt terrible heading into the weekend and still feel it lingering to an extent, so I'm trying to recalibrate as much as I can because it's Monday again and I don't want to bring in my personal emotions to my work.

In any case, I'm still up (it's 12:40 AM) because Jin is going to be a torchbearer at the Olympics and he's slated to come on at ~2:30 AM hehe, so I'm using the waiting time as motivation to do some work early. I've already finished one Powerpoint I didn't need to do until Thursday, so I feel great about that!

What is the last song you listened to in a car? A Milli by Lil Wayne. It was on the radio and that particular station has a hip-hop and R&B lineup every Sunday, and they're usually able to kill it with the throwbacks.

Do you like prefer apple cider warm or cold? I've never tried that.

When did you last feel misunderstood? Friday.

Have you ever visited The Louvre or would you like to? I haven't, and I would like to.

Have you ever accidentally locked yourself out of your place of residence? Just once, and I was around 10. I had a roaming security guard help me back in.

Do you remember your favorite songs as a kid? I was obsessed with Avril Lavigne's Girlfriend because it had profanity in it and 9 year old me used to get a crazy adrenaline rush from saying "motherfucking" whenever no one was there to hear.

Do you currently feel calm? Yes, and it's such a wonderful feeling to have. I wish I can feel calm all the time, haha.

When did you last lace up a pair of shoes? Today.

What’s your go to comfort meal? Spicy tuna salad.

Do you enjoy cloud watching? When I'm in the mood for it, which admittedly doesn't come up often. It's calming when I do it, though.

Do you currently have any candles lit? Nopes.

If applicable, what’s your favorite sports team?

How many cardigans do you own? I have one, which funnily enough has gone missing. I haven't seen it for a few weeks now, come to think of it...

How much is too much for clothes? Idk, it's subjective for me. I don't typically bat an eye at how much luxury clothes can cost because...idk like it's always been that way I guess. But, and this is just one of very many specific examples, if a brand is going for a tattered, grubby aesthetic and sells a worn-out looking shirt for thousands of dollars, that's when I start to kind of make fun of it and the people who buy it.

How soon do you normally decorate for holidays? We only ever decorate for Christmas, and in our case and because my family is Filipino, we usually have our tree up by early October.

Are there any important things happening this week? We're dropping my dad off at the airport on Friday and it fucking sucks but we gotta do it. 

Do you know anyone who is terrified of dogs? One of my uncles.

What scent was the last soap you used? Just normal soapy soap smell. No added scents to it.

How old were you when you made your first big purchase? I was 24 when I bought my phone. Important disclaimer: I did use my dad's credit card to do the initial payment but only because I don't have my own cc lol; but I paid back the amount the same day and paid for the subsequent installments.

What last made you angry? Being talked down to.

What’s a color you think is underrated? Olive green.

What are you usually doing when midnight comes around and you can’t sleep? I just put a video on and put my phone on low brightness and I can be knocked out in like 5-10 minutes.

What is your favorite way to eat rice? (white, steamed, fried, brown, sweetened…) Steamed, white. In every meal. Eating in Vietnam was such a struggle because it was so hard to find rice anywhere lol. We ended up getting Jollibee on Grabfood and even that was a challenge + culture shock because they also barely had rice in their menu.

What color is the top you’re wearing? Dark green.

When did you last laugh so hard you cried? This afternoon when I was playing card games with my relatives.

What’s your favorite horror movie? The Shining.

What’s your favorite and least favorite fast food restaurant? Favorite is KFC for making the best fried chicken ever. Least favorite, Chowking – I just find their food so blah. Super oily, and their branches are also notoriously gross and poorly maintained. I have yet to see a clean Chowking.

How many pictures can you see in the room you’re in? One – my photobooth photo with my sister when we were in Saigon.

When did you last sign your signature? Around a month ago for my driver's license renewal.

What cover do you think is better than the original song? This is saying it loosely, but I do tend to listen to BTS' cover of Yoongi's So Far Away more than the original. I just feel like it was made more special when the whole vocal line covered it. That said, I love that Jimin and Tae got to do the song for the live performances since their takes didn't make the cut for the studio version.

Are you currently listening to music? Well, yeah, the last question made me want to look for the vocal line's version of the song haha.

What is something you’ve been working on? Being the best leader I can be for my team.

What’s something that excites you about the future? Earning more money and traveling the world.

How often do you drink smoothies? Never.

What’s a TV show you have gotten into recently? Continued from Sunday. None. tbh. It's very rare for me to get into shows.

Have you ever had to have a tooth cut out? Nope.

When did you last rush for something? Last Friday when I left 10 minutes later than I should've.

How many blankets do you own? I think it's around 5.

Have you drank enough water today? Lots and lots of it.

Do you prefer apple pie or pecan pie? I've never had pecan, but I'd go with that as I don't like apples.

What color takes up most of your wardrobe? Blacks and whites.

What makes you feel alive? Crying.

Who is your last missed call from? Just my mom.

Do you have any unusual pet peeves? When people only message "hi" and will type their actual request only after you acknowledge. It's one of the most annoying things Ever and I'm having none of it, so I don't reply whenever that happens and just wait for them to either spit it out or never message again.

What is a food you think is nasty that most people enjoy? Fruits.

Would you rather never be sick again or be rich? I'd take the money.

Do you have a specialty dish that you’re really good at making? Haha, nope.

What video games did you play when you were growing up? Sims 2 is definitely high up on my list. I also played GTA III and San Andreas – did none of the missions; I just really liked the open world concept and spent the whole time driving and following traffic rules, lol. Mario Kart Wii, Super Smash Bros Brawl, and Warioware, too.

Are you good at making big decisions alone or do you tend to seek approval from others? I seek inputs, not approval – just for other perspectives. Otherwise the choice I make is usually what I want to go for or what I think would be best for me.

Does your town or city have good public transport, or is it easier to drive? Neither of those work out for us tbh. The public transport definitely sucks and will suck the soul out of you, but it's no better having your own car because so do 400,000 fucking people. It just sucks having to go anywhere here which is why I'm so grateful to still be WFH.

What was the last cocktail you drank? Ooh I can't remember the name or what was in it, but it was this quirky drink that was topped with some kind of matcha latte or something and it tasted really good!

Are you good at keeping running counts and tallies in your head? Usually yes, but just to be safe I like to keep my phone nearby so I can track there too.

Does your country have its own edition of Big Brother? It does.

How often do you take a nap during the day? Almost never these days.

What social media platforms do you use? Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.

Are there any foods you hate the smell of but like the taste, or vice versa? Longganisa smells really good but like 97% of time tastes like shit. I can't think of any example for the other way around.

Do you have a dishwasher? Not a thing here.

Who do you live with? Parents, siblings, two dogs and a cat.

Are you listening to anything right now? No.

What is one of your favourite sitcoms? Friends :)

Do you make to-do lists? I do.

If you could magically become fluent in any language, what would it be? Korean.

Have you ever tried vegan ice cream? I don't think so.

What pet names do you use for your friends/loved ones? Sis, siz, sizt, sissymae, mars, sissymars, mare, mum, ate, mima, mumsh, mumshie, mother, motherhood, sissycakes, marecakes...in the Philippines, you can make any word a pet name lmao. You can also make up words and make them a pet name hahaha.

What pet names do you like to be called? Any of the above is fine, hah.

What was the best concert you’ve ever seen? Paramore during their After Laughter tour, or Agust D!

Do you have any hobbies? Sure.

What is your favourite pasta shape? Fettuccine.

Have you ever developed your own film? I have not.

When was the last time you stayed in a hotel/motel and where was that? Tagaytay, around a month ago.

What breed was the last dog you saw? Beagle and Yorkie.

Do you watch the Super Bowl? Nope.

What’s your favourite Disney movie? Toy Story and Tangled.

What’s the most stressful job you’ve ever had? I've had just one so it wins by default.

What was the last text message you received? I don't know and please don't let me check, it's 100% related to work.

Should you be asleep right now? If so, go to bed! Little bit, yeah. Hahaha it's fine, I think I'll hold out for an hour or two more.

[imjustabeanie]

Yo I was hoping for a Hazbin hotel matchup if that's okay—

So I'm transfem—I'm around 5'7-5'8. I'm an Aquarius. I'm a big bookworm (though specifically I like horror stories), and my two favorite writers are Edgar Allan Poe and Shakespeare. I have a lot of role models like Marilyn Monroe, Vincent Van Gogh, Mr. Rogers, etc.

I am also especially skilled in writing and art, and I tend to push myself a little too hard when writing. I am very introverted, easily anxious or scared, mature, quiet—but I can also be a little overly blunt. I'm autistic, and I am also an INTP. I like old stuff too—like radio, antiques, songs from the 40s or 50s (though I specifically like swing music—then again I also like hip hop). And I am an Alto and fairly decent at singing. I love to sing, write, and draw and drum up ideas for my next projects and so on. I also tend to like working alone rather than with someone because I just generally do better working alone. I tend to be unphased by dark stuff, and actually like dark fiction. Specifically I like psychological horror though.

I am also an Aquarius, and my fashion taste tends to be either casual or vintage (like pearl necklaces, 50s style dresses, or white gloves). And I am made happy easily by compliments or praise of any kind. I am also very much a hopeless romantic, and other than horror, I tend to enjoy writing love stories.

Sure! As I said in the info about matchups since it's not an exchange I won't be going into details ^^.

Your hazbin hotel match is...Alastor!

Well you kinda led me by saying you like antique stuff from the 40s/50s and specifying radio. Although Alastor is more into 30s style and your interests suit more Vox, i believe that Alastor would really like your vibes as they match his in general. Biggest issues is getting him to actually ask you out I guess.

I believe that he's quite the tease in a relationship which can generate borderline sadistic behaviors from him. When he's in a bad mood everyone knows and he's the type to make backhanded comments. He can be a gentleman or your worst nightmare.

Ta da!

[whatyourusherthinks]

Anora Review? Recap?

Man, me and the Festival De Cannes voters do not have the same sensibilities at all. Well, with that dead obvious hint about my opinion of Anora, I know am just going to be up front about what I think. Because I want to dive into my viewing experience of this movie, and am basically going to spoil the whole thing. If you want to avoid spoilers, here's what I think: I tentatively recommend the movie. Just like Conclave, if you do watch the movie, stay for the whole thing. Not kidding, don't leave the theater until the credits start rolling. Trust me on this.

Now I'm gonna spoil the whole movie. Seriously. Anyone who reads past this point can't get mad at me because I warned you.

This movie starts with 30 to 40 minutes of sex. Really boring, no genitals-showing sex set to weirdly folky music? The opening of this movie made it feel like a Hallmark, just-a-girl on her own before meeting the guy-of-her-dreams but it was following a stripper. I was highly confused. Wasn't this a modern Cinderella movie? Either the song fit or the visuals did, but not both together.

Oh I guess I should quick digress and explain the prerelease information I had. This movie came out in other theaters before ours I heard, and we specifically got it because Poor Things did well in our demographic and corporate thought the same thing would happen with this one. It's darkly humorous that Heretic is outperforming it currently, but whatever. I read the description on our website because I was curious. It was something about a stripper marrying a Russian oligarch who runs away and she needs to find him. This is where I picked up the "modern Cinderella movie" line since it was how the description opened.

Anyway, the main character, Ani (It's a whole thing in the movie how she hates being called Anora. I'll circle back to this.) meets Vanya while working, and she gets paid by him as an escort for about a month. They pursue a whirlwind romance and get married in Las Vegas. A big thing for Ani is she makes Vanya buy her a 4 karat-diamond wedding ring. But one day, some guys show up at the door demanding to see their wedding certificate.

At this point, I'm pretty anxious. I was not jiving with the sexy business at all. Maybe it was just my current mood (I got struck with inspiration to start working on a TTRPG involving body horror, so my thoughts on anything flesh-related are definitely in darker places currently.), but the opening of this movie was reminding me of Terrifier 3. Except with sex instead of gore. It wasn't realistic enough to visceral or disturbing, and it was over the top enough to be silly or hedonistically enjoyable. And the pacing really drags. When Ani is being paid to be Vanya's girlfriend it's sort of cute I guess. My issue is a) they are both kinda assholes, and b) the tone is confusing. Like the text of the movie is throwing a ton of red flags at me about this relationship and who these people are, but the movie is playing out like the romance is a sweet thing and that these two are so in love. I honestly thought that maybe I was being too curmudgeonly and out of touch. "This is the modern Cinderella story!" I thought, "I must just be behind the times."

...Am I laying the foreshadowing on too thick? Sorry, I'll try to thin it out.

Anyway, these two guys show up at Vanya's door and demand to see his marriage certificate. These are people who work for Vanya's parents who do not approve of his marriage. A fluster-cuck happens, and Vanya takes off into the street. There's an incredibly harrowing scene where Ani get's tied up with a phone cord by the goons reluctantly because she keeps trying to run off. I also wasn't sure if the scene was supposed to be funny or not. Like the goons are very likable characters, and it's silly that these burly guys are getting their asses kicked by a stripper with glittery hair. But it's still a kidnapping happening! The tone of the movie still felt inconsistent at this point, but at least stuff was happening.

Anyway, the goons intermediate boss shows up. They make a deal with Ani to work together to find Vanya, and then the next hour of the movie is this motley crew looking for a Russian idiot twink. And the movie is back to being repetitive and boring. Also, there's a ton of hostile character interactions. Which is understandable to a certain degree, Ani did basically get assaulted kidnapped by these guys and the lead goon took the wedding ring she really liked. But after the 400th time she yelled at them about being married to Vanya I lost all sympathy. Plus, Igor was trying to apologize for the whole tying her up thing, and wanted genuinely to make her as comfortable with a shitty situation as possible.

Igor was one of the goons, by the way. He was my favorite character in the movie, mostly because he seems chill and compassionate, but also weirdly uncomfortable with the entire situation. Like he wants to help out Ani because he feels bad that she's in this horrid situation, but also really wants to go home and put this whole experience behind him. It's a real shame that Ani treats him like shit for the entire movie.

I did find out the movie is supposed to be a bit of a black comedy as well. What tipped me off was the scene where the car they are all driving around in gets towed. The goons get in a screaming match with the tow truck guy and end up pulling the car off the tow hook by driving it backwards while the tow guy yells "It's only my second week on the job!" It was pretty funny. It did make some scenes I thought were slightly horrifying at first really funny in hindsight. Ani kicks the non-Igor goon in the face, breaking his nose and giving him a concussion, and the crew refuses to let him go see a doctor. He's not even that helpful for the investigation, let the guy get medical attention!

Anyway, the crew eventually finds Vanya at the nightclub where he met Ani. They drag his drunk ass out of their, his parents arrive via private plane and threaten Ani into going through with the annulment of her marriage, and she is destroyed when it turns out that Vanya doesn't fight it and is perfectly willing to give her up to appease his parents. I really like this. It was a bit of a swerve, but justified my bad feelings about their relationship from the beginning. Turns out I'm not out of touch, I love a sad ending! It was only slightly ruined by the impression I was getting that they were going to set up Ani with Igor. I actually wrote in my notes that if those two hooked up, I would reject the movie. Well...

So after the marriage is annulled and Vanya goes back to Russia, Ani is told she can spend one more night in Vanya's house, but she needs to clear out the next day. Igor stays with her and they have a conversation about names. Turns out Ani doesn't like being called Anora because it means Honor. Or something, it was really hard to understand Igor in this scene. Because he looked that up, Ani accuses Igor of being a rapist which REALLY FUCKING ANNOYED ME. GIRL! He's like the only person in this movie who's trying to be nice to you! So the next day Ani gets all her stuff packed up and Igor drives her to wherever she's staying. When they arrive, Igor give Ani back her wedding ring. He had stolen it back from one of the bosses. Then Ani jumps him. Now, if you are me, this is where you sign, throw your glasses to the side, and completely write off the movie. I would have walked out, but I decided against it because there was like 10 seconds left in the movie. And it's a good thing I didn't, because literally the last ten seconds save the entire movie.

Here's what happens. As Ani is grinding on Igor, he goes in and kisses her. Ani reacts extremely violently to this, she pulls aways and starts hitting Igor before breaking down crying in his arms. And then the credits start rolling. I was stunned by this ending. Everything made so much more sense now. All those red flags I was getting from Ani's relationship with Vanya, I was supposed to be getting those, but from Ani as well as Vanya. Why is Ani so insistent that she and Vanya are in love despite the fact that Vanya ran off without her? Because she needs this to be real. This is probably the nicest thing that has ever happened to her and she definitely wanted this to be real. The wedding ring is a symbol for that. Why is she so mean to Igor only jump him at the end? Because that what she thinks she's supposed to do! All men to her are either evil predators, or nice guys she feels are obligated sex. And when Igor shows her genuine affection, she has no idea how to handle it and breaks down! It's a very powerful ten seconds.

Quick fire thoughts on non-story elements. The acting was really good, the cinematography was interesting but I don't know if that means it was good, and I didn't like the music. Purely for personal taste reasons, but I don't like heavy techno music or overly earnest love ballads, and don't think they mix well together. Movie's also probably 20 minutes too long, but it does help drive the twist at the end home so what do I know?

So that's Anora. It's not perfect, even with the twist at the end. (Why is the sex in the first fifth so boring? If the point was to show how shitty her situation is as a stripper the sex should be incredibly grody.) But this might be the first time I've experienced the ending of the movie saving the entire fucking thing. So I recommend it, I guess. It's a bit of a hard sit through, although not in the way something like The Substance is. You'd definitely be better served going in if you know it's a comedy.

[bonkersdbobcat]

Taken from here

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

6: do you keep plants?

7: do you name your plants?

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

12: what’s your favorite planet?

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

22: are you a morning person?

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

28: sunrise or sunset?

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

33: what’s your fave pastry?

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

39: what color do you wear the most?

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

59: what’s your favorite myth?

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

68: what’s winter like where you live?

69: what are your favorite board games?

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

73: what are some of your worst habits?

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

75: tell us about your pets!

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

82: are/were you good in school?

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

89: are you close to your parents?

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

[youxmove]

lamentingwclf​:

THERE’S A BLINK - ONE, TWO, THREE. Then the request truly sinks in and registers in his mind. He absolutely would go buy them for her, but its the underlying aggression in it. He’s slightly taken aback, as he hasn’t been yelled at over feminine hygiene products in almost eighty years since his two sisters got into knock down drag out arguments over things and inevitably turned on him with tear streaked faces until he backed out of the room in fear for his life. Which is why he finds himself standing in the aisle at the grocery store with more options than cereal. Everything is dark blue, purple, and pink, and he has to remind himself that it isn’t the 1930’s anymore and gone are the days of sanitary napkins; and of course he knows what a tampon is. In theory. From commercial advertisements. But there are different sizes, scented and unscented, and different applicators? And if the employee comes and asks softly if he needs help again he’s going to bolt and leave Sharon to fend for herself for the rest of the week until it’s safe to come home.

But he can hear the approach of the soft leather shoes as the squeak on linoleum and he just makes a decision. He grabs four different types of the same brand - because he remembers her saying that much - and finally checks out. He stops at the bakery down the street for the pastries he knows she likes, and finally returns home and deposits everything on the table. “Diagram. Next time, a diagram.” It’s said quickly in an exhale as he sees his phone sitting on the table where he’d left it prior to leaving. As he unlocks it, he sees she sent him three messages and a picture of what it was she needed. As he meets her gaze, he smiles, full on guilty, “I brought donuts.”

He had sisters.  Rarely did he ever talk about him, but with everything she knew about James Buchanan Barnes, it was clear he loved them with his entire being and was a great big brother.  And being a big brother, on top of being the Casanova he was back in the 30s and 40s...he knew damn well the importance of good period protection.  Yet the horror in his face the first time she had mentioned it made it seem as if he'd just been told that once a month a woman's uterus decides to unleash a crime scene out of a woman's special parts.  

Normally she didn’t get this agitated when her time of the month came, but she’d been dealing with some rather unpleasant cramping and right now she wasn’t in the mood to deal with any male inexperience- the lucky bastards.  However, the sergeant gets enough of the message (whether it be fear or loving related- maybe both) and scurries off to go get her tampons.

Sharon sighs as she huddles under a heating pad and a blanket, the low lull of Friends playing on the TV screen, and she’s nearly asleep forty minutes later when Bucky reemerges back into the condo.  Brows raise at the quantity of the boxes inside the bag, but instead of questioning his entire adventure, she sees the look of stress, and hint of concern wondering if he did the right thing, and honestly it’s too adorable to even try to take that away from him.

His smile is matched with one of her own and all she can do is give a small shake of her head.  “Next time I’ll go the old fashioned route and write out a list.”  Her grin widens and she reaches for his hand.  “Thank you,” Sharon whispers, bringing his metal knuckles to her lips.  “I’ll make up for this tonight.  I promise.”  A thumb brushes over the knuckles as she nests back down against the couch.  “Lay with me?  After grabbing me a donut?”

"will you go buy me tampons or not?"

THERE'S A BLINK - ONE, TWO, THREE. Then the request truly sinks in and registers in his mind. He absolutely would go buy them for her, but its the underlying aggression in it. He's slightly taken aback, as he hasn't been yelled at over feminine hygiene products in almost eighty years since his two sisters got into knock down drag out arguments over things and inevitably turned on him with tear streaked faces until he backed out of the room in fear for his life. Which is why he finds himself standing in the aisle at the grocery store with more options than cereal. Everything is dark blue, purple, and pink, and he has to remind himself that it isn't the 1930's anymore and gone are the days of sanitary napkins; and of course he knows what a tampon is. In theory. From commercial advertisements. But there are different sizes, scented and unscented, and different applicators? And if the employee comes and asks softly if he needs help again he's going to bolt and leave Sharon to fend for herself for the rest of the week until it's safe to come home.

But he can hear the approach of the soft leather shoes as the squeak on linoleum and he just makes a decision. He grabs four different types of the same brand - because he remembers her saying that much - and finally checks out. He stops at the bakery down the street for the pastries he knows she likes, and finally returns home and deposits everything on the table. "Diagram. Next time, a diagram." It's said quickly in an exhale as he sees his phone sitting on the table where he'd left it prior to leaving. As he unlocks it, he sees she sent him three messages and a picture of what it was she needed. As he meets her gaze, he smiles, full on guilty, "I brought donuts."

@youxmove

[agentsoftie]

Sleepless Nights ( S.R )

summary: Reid and Y/N aren’t the most fond of each other. So what happens when they can’t sleep, have to share a bed, and be married.

pairing: Spencer Reid and female reader

a/n: AHH okay so here it is! It’s my first au so it’s probably not the best. But big thanks to @anepiphany! Ani baby none of this would be happening without you! Thank you for you tips and making me not go insane! Also pls tell me if I slept something wrong cuz like, your girl not the best when it comes to it. Also there will def be a loophole somewhere in my case and if you find one, just let it slide because life is filled with loopholes ❤️ also this is gonna be a two parter!

warnings: mentions of a case, little angst (like the smallest amount), fluff really though

remember to like and reblog!!

You were always the type of person that got along with everyone. And by everyone you meant everyone. You were a people pleaser, always changing your personality for someone. To the security guard, you were a sports junkie, always catching the latest games. To the guy who worked at the bookshop, you were the classical girl. And to the barista, you were the girl who was always late but always paid 3 dollars extra tip. But Dr. Spencer Reid was the only exception. 6’1 and standing tall. Mr. Eidetic Memory and 187 IQ but oh God how you cared for him. You loved him, you loved him more than all the moons in the galaxy. But him? He hated you, so naturally, you hated him too. As the saying goes, if you can't beat them, join them.

“Guys we got a new case,” Garcia says.

You walked into the room and sat to the seat closest to the front where Garcia would be since she was your best friend. Ironically that was the seat farthest from Reid.

“Okay, so this is Mira Normen and her husband John Normen. They had gotten married 2 months prior to their deaths. Mira was 25 years old and she was a teacher at the local middle school. John was 26 and he ran a local pet grooming business. As you can see, but not me for obvious reasons, they were both stabbed once in their chest and then once in their thigh. Mira was shot once in the heart and once in the head and John was shot twice in the heart and twice in the throat. The M.E. found a ring stuffed into both of their throats. And not the cheap kind, I mean a year's worth of salary for one of us.”

“Okay, so this guy’s rich,” You said.

“Yeah, no shit sherlock,” Reid said.

“Guys,” Hotch said in a stern voice “Garcia do we know anything else?”

“Yes actually. They were both last spotted at an event for rich people. So like something Rossi would go to.” She said, chuckling at the last part.

“You and I both know very well that I do not go to those kinds of events. I stay at home for god sakes.” Rossi says causing you and a couple of other people to chuckle.

“Why does this case sound so familiar?” JJ asks, breaking the chuckles.

“Well there was a case exactly like this a couple of years back if my memory is correct, which it always is. We tried to solve it but we just couldn't so it ended up as a cold case.” Reid said.

“And everythings the same?” JJ asked.

“Yep, everything. Well except the city.” Reid said.

“Great, well i think we got everything. Wheels up in 30.” Hotch says while getting up.

-------

You sat alone, like always. At first everyone was concerned, like they had done something, but they then soon realized that you just liked to be alone and this was really the only time.

“Okay, so I checked if anyone had moved in the years and I have 5 names. Thomas Maddison, Stephanie June, Eliza Honeycutt, Devi Paradise, and Klaus Hiller. And only one moved to our little town and that would be Miss Eliza Honeycutt.” Garcia said.

“Can you ch-” Morgan was saying but got cut off when she said

“Already did ‘Hot Chocolate’. Miss Eliza moved a total of 3 months after the case. Looks like it was due to a messy divorce. Her and Mr. Maddison had not been going strong for the last couple of months and it looks like they decided to call quits just before you guys came to town.”

“Can you-” Morgan started to say but then was again cut off by Garcia.

“Already got you babes. The address should be sent to your tablets.” Everyone was still looking at her, “that means look at your tablets.” She says while gesturing her hands making them look down.

“We got it babygirl,” Morgan said without being interrupted.

“Great! Now, this is the time I leave and let you amazing little people do your jobs!” And with that, she was out and so were you.

-------

It was 10 pm when you got to the hotel. You weren't exhausted but you definitely were not in the mood to solve a murder or multiple in this case. You all had checked in now was your favorite time of all choosing rooms. You never bunked with anyone unless Garcia, but that's if she ever came on a case. Emily and JJ were already gone, same with Hotch and Rossi. You were about to grab the key for the single room but Morgan got it before you.

“Sorry hot stuff, I need room alone this time.”

“What!? Why!?”

“I don't need to explain myself to you Y/N,” Moran says, and just like that he was gone.

You and Reid grabbed the keys without looking at each other and walked in the elevator. You both did not make any eye contact until you got into the room. There was only one bed. You immediately called room service but they said that there were no more rooms available so you two were stuck with that one.

“Okay, which one of us is gonna sleep on the floor?” you heard Reid say.

“Excuse me,?”

“You heard me.”

“Oh stop being such a baby Reid. We both know that if you don't sleep on a bed or something remotely similar you get all grumpy and get headaches all day. And if I don't sleep on a bed or something similar I get high on caffeine and get paranoid. So for the sake of the team, we are gonna sleep on the goddamn bed together!”

He didn't know you paid attention to him like that. Sure everyone knew that he would get grumpy, but headaches? No one, not even JJ. He didn't like to tell people about them fearing of being babied around even more than he already is. Although he did know that whenever you don't get enough sleep not only do you high on caffeine, but you have nightmares. You never told anyone except Garcia of course. He’d realized that you had nightmares after a group holiday to Rossi’s beach house, he heard you talking in your sleep and there were not good things being said.

“Okay geez fine whatever. Are you gonna go shower first, or am I”

“Me obviously,” you say while getting your clothes.

The water was hot when you got in, just how you like it. You started to soak your hair in the water needing to cool down a little and prepare yourself for the days ahead of you. All you could think about was sharing the same bed with him. With the guy, you're in love with but doesn’t know. And will never know.

After 30 minutes you got out of the shower and changed. You wore a pair of shorts and a loose flowy t-shirt which you had knotted after putting it on because it was too big. After you brushed your teeth, did your skincare, and brushed your hair.

“Finally, how long does it take?” You heard Reid say while you were walking out of the bathroom. He didn't look up until you sat on the bed turning the tv on.

“It takes 40 minutes Reid, it always takes 40 minutes. But you would never know because you've never had a girl stay over,”

“Oh, you're so funny aren't you,” he says in an annoyed way.

“Yeah, I am.” You said smirking while looking up expecting to see him annoyed but instead greeted with a small smile which was then washed away quickly by the sound of his voice.

“Okay, I'm gonna go take a shower now. Don't wait up.”

“ I won't, don't worry.” You say while he goes into the bathroom. You swear you saw him smile. It may have been small but it was there.

-------

“You waited for me.” You hear while turning off the tv. He was wearing a pair of basketball shorts and a white t-shirt. His hair was an absolute mess, and you could tell that he had to take a shower in not the hottest water.

“Ha, yeah no. You took like 10 minutes, did you think I was gonna fall asleep in 10 minutes.”

“Yeah well, that's what happens when you take up most of the hot water.”

“I'm sorry, you should have gone in the shower first.”

“You wanted to go into the shower first!”

“Okay and? Look, can we just go to bed or something? We have a long ass day ahead of us.”

You felt the bed dip and got chills all over. He didn't seem to notice, thankfully. You were cold, but not cold enough to want to layer up. You looked over and the time and it read 11:15. You tried to sleep, but you just couldn't. So again you looked over and read 11:39, and then it was 12:06. You felt like you were going insane.

“Why are you still up?” Reid said in a raspy voice while turning over to face you.

“Huh? Oh, um, I couldn't, can't sleep.”

“Ugh, fine come here.”

“What?” Before you could say anything he had wrapped his arm around you and forced you to nuzzle up against his chest. It actually felt pretty nice. You felt like you were on top of the world and that everything was going to be okay. You put your arm on him after processing what was happening. He then pulled you in closer and when you looked up at him you realized that he was knocked out, gone like a light in one of those horror movies. And before you realized it you were out too.

-------

“Y/L/N wake up,” is all you hear. The sun was barely out yet, so naturally, you just wanted to go back asleep.

“5 more minutes”

“Fine.” Although he didn't want to say anything or admit in this case. This was the best sleep that he’d gotten in a while. At first, he thought it was because of the way he slept but he then quickly realized that it was because of you. With your legs intertwined with his, one of your arms on his chest and the other in his hand. Your hair, so messy, yet so perfect at the same time and he would give anything to fall back asleep with you. He was in love. He was in love and was falling, falling harder than ever.

“Y/N, come on it's been 10 minutes. We need to go, get up.”

“What? Oh. Wait, fuck, what time is it?” You say in your very raspy yet airy morning voice.

“6:13, now we have to get ready or we will be late.”

You didn't want to get up, you really didn't. You wanted this moment to never end, but sadly time was not on your side for this one. “We never speak of last night, got it.”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Its agent.”

-------

“Miss Honeycutt, hi I’m Agent Y/L/N,” You say while sitting down for the interrogation.

“Hi yeah, why am I here?”

“Oh, no one’s told you yet?’

“Well yes the people who rudely (italicize) came into my home said something but I wasn’t really listening.”

“Oh okay then. You're here as a suspect for multiple murders.” Her face was in total and utter shock. “There has been a murder recently that connects to a murder that took place back a couple of years ago. You lived there when it had happened and then you moved. And now you’re here because a murder played out exactly that same way as the one that took place in the past.”

“Look, I have a valid reason for moving-”

“Divorce I know.”

“Yes, well you don’t know the reason.”

“Oh, and what would that be?”

“I was cheating on him, Thomas. He found out and then immediately filed for divorce.”

“Huh, is that so. Well, you kno-” You were cut off by the sound of the one and the only doctor himself.

“Y/L/N can I please speak to you.”

“Um yeah.” You walk outside of the interrogation room to face him. “What is it?”

“I don't think she did it. The way she’s reacting to all of this is way too natural to fake and she still hasn't called for a lawyer to be present. Normally in these types of situations the un-sub mostly always calls for a lawyer or anyone in that case.”

“I know, I know, I know. But she mentioned an ex-husband that could help us with this case.”

“So what you're just gonna “interrogate” her until she starts to talk about her former husband, or just talk about that and only that as a whole?”

“Yes, precisely.”

“You amaze me Y/N,” this was the first time he said your name in conversation naturally and not because he was forced to for an undercover assignment and shit. Well except for this morning but you can't decide if that was a small little fever dream or actual life so it doesn't count.

“And I you Spencer.” He noticed, oh he noticed and his heart practically burst from his chest because of the serotonin he got when you said his name. It was like every time you said his name an angel got its wings.

-------

“Hey Garcia, could you dig a little deeper on our little Thomas Maddison?” You ask her.

“Of course pumpkin. Okay so here's what I got. Thomas Maddison born May 30th leaving him to be a Gemini and you know how I feel about those. He moved from our fun little town too, well, um,-” was what she said before being cut off by Emily.

“What do you mean by ‘um’ Garcia?” She said with a puzzled expression.

“Well, ‘um’ means he disappeared from the face of Earth. Completely gone. No new dental records, no new home, I mean, not even a simple receipt. It’s like he just clicked ‘erase all’ after the divorce.”

“Is that even possible?” I ask.

“Well yes, but you have to literally become a new person for that to happen.”

“Garcia look into anything in his life that could possibly lead him to have hundreds of thousands of dollars,” Reid said.

“Okay, so it says here in one article that he owned a local jewelry store that got burned down around that time of the divorce. The local paper wrote it off as an accident but everyone thought he wanted to skip town after the divorce so he would just take all of the insurance money. Which I guess is kind of true. Um but anyway, yeah that’s really the only explanation. His parents didn't leave him that much money in the will, and he wasn't a drug dealer.”

“Okay, thanks hun! You've been of more help then you know. Call Hotch and everyone else in. I think we got the profile.” You said before ending the call.

* literally 5 or 6 minutes later *

“Okay, so the guy we’re looking for is very popular with the people. He always tries to make everything about himself. Your classic narcissist.” Hotch starts off with.

“This guy hates love though. He never brings up the topic and hates it when people bring it up. And although he hates love, he looks like the guy who could pick anyone he wanted, although he relatively picks on younger women.” JJ adds.

“Yes, and this guy is going to be a white caucasian male. Most likely in his late 20 or early 30s. And he is going to have wealth and will show it off as often as he can.” Emily says.

“Any questions” you heard Hotch ask.

“There’s an event tomorrow just like the one that Mira and John attended. Will he be there? And if so, do you think he will attack again? And if yes then what will do?” You see an officer asking.

“Well yes, we heard of that and already planned everything out. Tomorrow night Agent Y/L/N and DR.Reid will be attending the event.” Rossi said.

You were in complete shock, and frankly so was Reid. You guys never agreed to this, and as much as I love black tie events, they aren't really my cup of tea when there can possibly be a serial killer there. Not to mention the guy I fucking love more than anyone in the world would be there, with me (italicize). Like now I have to look badass and sexy (italicize) at the same time, although that wouldn't be that hard you thought to yourself.

“Guys, can Reid and I please talk to you all in private.” You give Rossi and Hotch very unobvious yet obvious death stares.

“Yeah, now please.” He says.

* again like 2 or 3 minutes later *

“Um hello, last time I never agreed to this and by the look on Reid’s face, neither did he.”

“Y/N you heard, our unsub likes younger women,” Derek says,

“Okay well then just send in Emily, or JJ, or both in that case.” You say in an angry tone.

“Oh baby, you think we're young? Were flattered but no. Sadly out of all of us, you look the youngest, and are the youngest.” JJ says while laughing along with Emily.

“And for you Reid, you out of most people should know that the murders happened between young lovers who got married. And Derek doesn’t call you pretty boy for nothing. Rossi says following JJs statement.

“We really aren't getting out of this one huh?” He asks.

“No. Now it's late so I want you all to get a good night's rest and be ready tomorrow. Reid and Y/L/N you guys can sleep in a little but you'll have to be ready by 4:30.” Hotch says. And with that, everyone goes back to their rooms.

“I fell in love the way you fall asleep; slowly, then all at once” – John Green, The Fault in our Stars

Part two coming tomorrow!

[alloftheimaginesblog]

interests tag

tagged by the lovely @sheimagineddragons

MUSIC

Fave genre?

Depends on the mood I’m in but most of my music is Indie/Emo/Pop Punk with some 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, 90s, classical, musicals and pop thrown into the mix.

Fave artist?

My favourite band of all time is My Chemical Romance. Billy Joel, The Maine, Wallows, Hobo Johnston are my current faves.

Fave song?

Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers, a classic

Most listened song recently?

transparent soul by willow / not into you by brooksie 

Song currently stuck in your head?

21st Century Vampire by Lil Huddy

5 fave lyrics?

“I am not afraid to keep on living, I am not afraid to walk this world alone.” - Famous Last Words by MCR (mcr saved my life ok)

“Tell your boyfriend if he says he's got beef, That I'm a vegetarian and I ain't fucking scared of him” - Don’t Trust Me by 3oh!3 (such a good line)

“Slow down you're doing fine, You can't be everything you want to be before your time.” - Vienna by Billy Joel (hits me hard in the feels)

“I fell apart, But got back up again” - Alibi by 30 Seconds to Mars (i’ve seen this band 6 times, MCR and 30STM saved my life and these lyrics are why. I don’t like Jared Leto but my god, he did a lot for 16 y/o me)

“Everything is temporary. Even the sorrow that you carry.” - Flowers on the Grave by the Maine (this band done a lot for me too and still does)

radio or your own playlist | solo artists or bands | pop or indie | louder or silent volume I slow or fast songs | music video or lyrics video | speakers or headset | riding a bus in silence or while listening to music | driving in silence or with radio on

  BOOKS

Fave book genre?

Fantasy/adventure/young adult/coming of age. Yes, I am desperately trying to cling to my teenage years and live vicariously through characters.

Fave writer?

I don’t think I’ve read enough books to have a favourite writer. I like a lot of authors because of their different styles but don’t have a favourite.

Fave book?

The Hobbit by J.R.R Tolkien and The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald... does Hamlet count? I know it’s a play but still... it’s amazing

Fave book series?

Gone series by Michael Grant + Harry Potter series 

Comfort book?

The Hobbit by J.R.R Tolkien , The  Far Away Tree series by Enid Blyton (I read these religiously as a child and have so many fond memories in my head of them)

Perfect book to read on a rainy day?

Harry Potter

Fave characters?

Gandalf the Grey, Remus Lupin... can’t think rn 

5 quotes from your fave book that you know by heart?

“So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past ” - The Great Gatsby

‘Where did you go to, if I may ask?' ‘To look ahead,' ‘And what brought you back in the nick of time?' ‘Looking behind.’ - The Hobbit

“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” - Harry Potter

“To live will be an awfully big adventure.” - Peter Pan

“In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.” - The Hobbit (just comfort vibes, you know)

hardcover or paperback | buy or rent | standalone novels or book series | ebook or physical copy | reading at night or during the day | reading at home or in nature | listening to music while reading or reading in silence | reading in order or reading the ending first | reliable or unreliable narrator | realism or fantasy | one or multiple POVS | judging by the covers or by the summary | rereading or reading just once

     TV AND MOVIES

Fave tv/movie genre?

Anything with action, superheroes, a mystery, an unruly bunch of teenagers trying to find out the truth with stupid jokes and nice views, anything with a bunch of Hobbits, Dwarves and Elves going on an adventure... Anything musical and Disney.

Fave movie?

Can’t say just one. I’ll do you top 5

Captain America; TFA, Tangled, Mamma Mia, Little Shop of Horrors, Mary Poppins, Back to the Future

Comfort movie?

... all of the above and also, Indiana Jones, Avengers, Hercules, Luca, 

Movie you watch every year?

all of the above? :))) i love movies... i love watching Love Actually, it’s probably another comfort movie and i suppose I only ever watch it in December so that’s an every year one!

Fave tv show?

if it holds up to the standards i want it to... probably the new Lord of the Rings series. If not, Stranger Things is one I can watch again and again? daredevil/the punisher i loved them too, the haunting of hill house

Comfort tv show?

Friends, How I Met Your Mother, Scrubs, One Tree Hill

Most rewatched tv show?

stranger things or how i met your mother

5 fave characters?

aragorn, indiana jones, steve rogers, bucky barnes, 

 tv shows or movie | short seasons (8-13 episodes) or full seasons (22 episodes or more)* | one episode a week or binging | one season or multiple seasons | one part or saga | half hour or one hour long episodes | subtitles on or off | rewatching or watching just once | downloads or watches online

[impala1967dwinchester]

Jensen Ackles: Green Eyes Meet

*Not My GIF* 

Paring: Jensen Ackles x Reader 

Pov: Jensen Ackles  

Rating: Adult Mature 

Warnings: Sexy Jensen, Green eyes addiction. Swearing, self-image problems, 

Summary: Jensen had never really liked his bright green eyes, but that ended after he met his new personal assistant on the Supernatural Set. Her green eyes grabbing his attention immediately, maybe he did like his green eyes afterall.  

Word Count : 1,653

Since I had been a kid I never liked my bright green eyes. Never was teased for them but the constant fawning over by girls in high school was annoying. That feature was like a crooked nose that everyone noticed and wanted to talk about behind your back, and sometimes in front of you, to you.

When I was a senior in high school my girlfriend was only with me because of that one feature, she had paraded me around to her friends, and family. Showing me off like I was a prize possession a toy. Not her boyfriend the boy she “loved”.

It was like my green eye was the only thing that people saw. Not my work, my thoughts, my personalities. Nothing. In college which was a fucking nightmare, there was another girl her name was Dorothy, she was so cute at least 20 years ago she was cute.

Her personality, her style everything about her was adorable. But yet again a failed relationship all because she was only there for my eye, yet again I have paraded around to parties, functions. Made to feel like she really “loved me”.

I again broke up and went through that motion. Finally, after 20 years I was not an adult but I was getting jobs. I did do a few modeling jobs, acting was sprinkled in too. Then what seemed like a big boom of celebration I was cast in the show Supernatural with a lifetime friend now Jared.

Years Later

Casting and building Supernatural was the best time of my life. A show that was dedicated to two brothers trying to save the world. A fan base that was amazing, best friends for the first time that wanted to be my friend because of me and not what I looked like.

Onset we all had our own personal assistant. Misha had an older woman in her late 30s her attitude every day was to make Misha smile and laugh, be in the goofy mood that every day had been presented.

Jared had another young woman late 20s. She was a fan of the show before we really hit off on the CW. She had gotten the job when she wanted to do an internship, and of course, with Jared being his normal passionate loving, caring person he loved her and always brought her to lunch she was more of a friend if Jared then his personal assistant.

I on the other hand had gone through what seemed to have been at least 6 or 7 younger, and older women. I guess you could compare it to prince charming trying to find Cinderella, every single girl had to size every girl had to have the position.

There was Ashley a young girl, she had brown shoulder-length hair, a straight smile, blue eyes, but she was all over the place with very bad ADHD. She simply wasn’t made for a schedule type of job, but I still made sure her reference papers were nicely written more focused on her great skills rather the ones that needed work.

There was Rebecca, she was middle-aged women, her two adorable kids was all she ever talked about but she was tired and could never keep up with the many types of different things we were always doing.

There was Annie. A straightforward mess of a person, she had a very bad RBF always thought I had done something wrong. I was very quick to say “I need a new personal assistant!”

There was Jessica. A sweet 20-year-old girl, a shorty with an attitude, and a very bad temper with everyone expect with me. I knew that would never work, so yet again I had to ask HR to find me a new PA.

There were Mrs.Miller older women in her late 40s. She was organized, and very sweet but she was sadly was only doing this job while her husband was out of a job. So she went which was quite sad, but I again had to ask.

Then there was Y/n. Her personality was all I ever wanted in a PA. She made life so easy, always at my trailer before I was with a coffee in hand for me and herself. An inquiry of what the day was packed with, always had my lines and would chat with me during lunch. She was exactly what I was looking for. Only after 5 years of yearning and wanting someone with the correct skills.

______________________       Jensen A.    ___________________________

After another 5 years, Y/n and I had the best friendship I have with anyone since I met Jared and Misha. She so sweet and kind, she’d pick me up drunk from the bar, or go with me to premiers of literally anything. We’d go out to see stupid horror movies or funny romcoms. We were like the best of best friends. We were definitely in the hall of best friends.

The many times I had come to Y/n rescue after douche bag dick heads had fucked her over. Leaving her at dinner by herself, driving her home to watch something, and eat a whole tub of ice cream. I was her rock and she was mine.

I never noticed that she and I had the same colored eyes until about two weeks ago when she had on this bright purple jacket. Her eyes popping with the contrast. She was the most beautiful that day she wore a purple jacket with a black turtleneck with a pair of cargo pants and lace-up boots. Just as beautiful as the first day I had met her and every day after that one.

She smelled of peppermint and roses, her makeup light and cute. The pink hue to her cheeks was so adorable. That day we had a few scenes and then an interview and that was it. I drove her home that night and slept blissfully.

As the weeks went on my need to be closer and always around Y/n grew stronger. We’d sit down for lunch and sit down next to her instead of in front of her. I’d bring her coffee during a rough patch.

But one day I think she started to catch on, she’d stop me every day and hug me, like it was the end of the world.

A knock on my trailer door

“Jensen, do you mind if I come in?” Her voice was timid and tired from a day worth of work.

“Yeah, of course, you can come in Y/n.” I got up and opened the trailer door. Her small built frame came into view. Today I hadn’t seen her but once in the morning and now. She was wearing a blue crop top, black pants, a pair of vans. Again such a beautiful as the first day I saw her.

She came in and sat down in her regular seat. She didn’t have any papers on notebooks with her. She probably just wanted to sit in silence enjoying the time together.

“Jensen, how was your day?” she asked.

“Y/n, my day was perfectly fine. How was yours?” This was odd, a normal conversation. This wasn’t what I was used to with her.

“My day was tuff. Do you mind if she just lay down for a minute was something on the tv? Too many thought going on right now.” Her words shy, it sounded as if she were going to cry.

I wrapped my hand around hers and dragged her towards the back of the trailer, a spot where we would relax after a hard day's work, talk about things, do what we wanted to do which was just sit down and watch something. She plopped down and pulled her shoes off, and sat beside her laying my arm out so she could lay down.

If others were to see us like this they would say that we were a couple. Something that I would love but I knew better, she knew better right?

“Jensen, thank you,” She said after a while. I hummed in response, the clock wrote 9:30 on it. It was late but I had clothes here so if we did end up falling asleep here it wouldn’t be the end of the world.

Another hour went by, and Y/n got up. She faced me, sitting crisscrossed. Breathing in deep she began to speak, so I turned off the sound to the tv.

“Jensen, You are the best friend I have ever had. Something I don’t want to ruin with what I’m about to say, I’m going to tell you the truth about how I feel, how I’ve felt for the past five years. It’s hard for me because of course, I don’t know where you are emotional and everything, so here it goes. Jensen, I fell in love with you 5 years ago. I fell in love with your personality, your character, your passion, your love for others, your fans. I love fell in everything about you. This could ruin everything we have but I ho..”

She just looked so beautiful at that moment after so many years of loving her from afar. Jared had seen me fall in love with her, told me to just tell her, I was scared I’d ruin the friendship we had built. So I kissed her, cutting her off mid-sentence.

“I have loved you since the beginning too Y/n. You’re the smartest, most caring person I have met in a long time. You are so beautiful sorry I cut you off but I have been waiting to do that for a long time you know.” I said with my hands still pushed into her sides

She giggled, and leaned her head against mine, and hummed in response. And for the first time I felt like I was living my dream, I was with the person I truly love and that loved me back.

Tag List- @akshi8278​

[husbandograveyard]

Wootwoot! We made it you guys! May 4th is my one-year anniversary on Tumblr. With some ups and downs and over 300 requests written, I'm gonna go ahead and say it was a successful year!

Monday until next Sunday I will do another Mini HC event, like we did for valentine! Open for all my fandoms, with mystery prompts to choose from.

Until then, I wanted to do a sleepover event. Unlimited asks and interactions for the weekend cause I feel like I haven't talked to a lot of you in a long while!

You can send me any classic sleepover question

Kiss, marry, kill

Would you rather

Top 3/5/10...

Questions about me

Questions about my anime, writings...

Theories (keep em spoiler free though!)

For this event, I will engage in a little bit of selfship talk if anyone were to be interested. Ask me about my F/o's and tell me about yours! Dynamics, habits... anything!

Questions about OCs

If you need some inspiration, I have included a couple of lists below the cut with questions id be 100% okay with.

Also, if you just want to chat, tell me about your week, a funny thing that happened to you, or a fun fact (i love fun facts especially if it's creepy or an animal fact)... A N Y T H I N G is welcome! There is no limit to your asks, spam me if you want! ♡

Look forward to talking to you guys!

Ps, I'll tag these #1yearSleepover if you want to block something against spam

Questions for OCs - Specify which one! Taken from here

1. How many different places have they lived?

2. What is their dream vacation?

3. What is their favorite color?

4. What is their favorite book?

5. Have they ever cheated on anyone before?

6. Have they ever been cheated on?

7. How many partners have they had?

8. What is their favorite food?

9. Are they a liar? Are they good at lying?

10. Introvert or Extrovert?

11. Have they ever been arrested and why?

12. Who would they sacrifice their life for?

13. What are their spending habits?

14. Do they like hot or cold temperatures better?

15. Are they religious?

16. If they could describe themself in one sentence, what would they say?

17. Do they have any overused catchphrases?

18. What makes them laugh?

19. Have they ever lost anyone close to them? How did it affect them?

20. Do they have a fast reaction time, or slow?

21. How do they react to praise?

22. How do they react to criticism?

23. Are they indoorsy or outdoorsy?

24. What are their biggest pet peeves?

25. Do they have any type of handicaps? How do they manage them?

Other ask game - taken from here

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk?

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books?

4: how do you take your coffee/tea?

5: are you self-conscious of your smile?

6: do you keep plants?

7: do you name your plants?

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings?

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself?

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends?

12: what’s your favorite planet?

13: what’s something that made you smile today?

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is!

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish?

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair?

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up.

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it?

20: what’s your favorite eye color?

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces.

22: are you a morning person?

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets?

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into?

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit?

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor?

28: sunrise or sunset?

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing?

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared?

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks.

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends.

33: what’s your fave pastry?

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

35: do you like stationary and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often?

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now?

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean?

38: tell us about your pet peeves!

39: what color do you wear the most?

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you?

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving?

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it!

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with?

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything?

45: do you trust your instincts a lot?

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of.

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe?

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today?

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought?

50: what’s an odd thing you collect?

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them?

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face?

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point?

56: what are some things you find endearing in people?

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why?

59: what’s your favorite myth?

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received?

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind?

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be?

64: what color is the sky where you are right now?

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with?

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like?

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel?

68: what’s winter like where you live?

69: what are your favorite board games?

70: have you ever used a ouija board?

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea?

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it?

73: what are some of your worst habits?

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns.

75: tell us about your pets!

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t?

77: pink or yellow lemonade?

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub?

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you?

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why?

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of.

82: are/were you good in school?

83: what’s some of your favorite album art?

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones?

85: do you read comics? what are your faves?

86: do you like concept albums? which ones?

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives?

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy?

89: are you close to your parents?

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities.

91: where do you plan on traveling this year?

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch?

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most?

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

95: what are your plans for this weekend?

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot?

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house?

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it?

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

[valla-chan]

65 Questions You Aren't Used To answered by ME

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

    Sometimes, but it always goes away fairly quickly.

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

    3, im not actively afraid of the dark itself but it can exacerbate paranoias

3. The person you would never want to meet?

    The guy on reddit with like 100 different parasites he spreads to people around him

4. What is your favorite word?

    Catgirl or Ghost maybe idk

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

    Monterey Cypress

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

    Oh my god my hair is so fucked, i look dead in the face too

7. What shirt are you wearing?

    gray longesleev :)

8. What do you label yourself as?

    gray-ace trans girl who is probably actually nonbinary but ignores that for the sake of simplicity

9. Bright room or dark room?

    dark

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

    in a voice call watching my friend stream hl2: lost coast

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

    19-20

12. Who told you they loved you last?

     gf :)

13. Your worst enemy?

    congress republicans

14. What is your current desktop picture?

    I have 3, and currently all of them are on images of hatsune miku

15. Do you like someone?

    mhm

16. The last song you listened to?

     No Children - The Mountain Goats

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

    Mitch McConnell

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

    Donald Trump

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

    A clone of myself, who i would make work on my portal mod lul

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

    My hair perhaps

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

    I dont know if this would make me male, female, or a trans man!

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

    Getting people to like me when i want them to, i guess? It sounds manipulative but if you dont use it to manipulate people, and you dont always do it (because sometimes you dont want the person to like you), then is it?

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

    I am afraid that my perception of other things is inaccurate and eventually i will realize that people around me regard me as someone who is very much detached from objective reality.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

     Crab+lobster mix, avocado, cheese, caramelized onions, bacon, sourdough bread, basil+a bit of garlic, and probably other stuff i cant think of.... oh and sunchips stuffed inside that i could pull out and eat.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

    Save it!!

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

    California!

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

    1) If you die we eat you

29. What is your favorite expletive?

    simply saying the word KILL!

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

    My computer :( it would cause the most extreme impact to have it be destroyed. i would feel terrible about everything else though

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

    I’d rather not say.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

    sounds awful :(

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

    My kitty :(

34. What was your last dream about?

    I was playing a hidden level in Frogger: the Great Quest but then @ sleepysoul DM’d me to ask what my newest video was about cause she was weirded out by it, and i went to my youtube channel to find this bizarre video about crab-catching, which slowly descended into this video showing bizarre and cosmic horrors. For some reason i thought i uploaded it and tried to defend the video, but i could not explain it

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

    I am a good 3d modeler, texturer, game mapper, and other things that have to do with digital 3d artstuff

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

    no

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

    yes

38. What is the color of your socks?

    All of mine are tan or dark blue. super lame and boring

39. What type of music do you like?

    Most currently, it fluctuates between “weirdcore” type aesthetic playlists of music, and anything Vocaloid.

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

    Sunrises, because im usually not awake for them so they are extra special

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

    strawberry maybe

43. Do you have any scars?

    One on the side of my butt where i tore it open on the bathtub faucet, one on my elbow from a bike accident, and 

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

    I dropped out :(

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

    my cheekbones and eyebrow ridge stick out so weirdly, id make it not look like that

46. Are you reliable?

    on small things? yes. on big things? nope, not in the least.

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

    Have you finally gotten out of this rut and found happiness and success?

48. Do you hold grudges?

    i kinda do but try not to

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

    Catgirl

51. Are you a good liar?

    only when im not trying to.

52. How long could you go without talking?

    consecutively, maybe a fourth of a day

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

    short.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

    I’ve helped, but never done it myself!

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

    Oh, believe me, no. But i do it anyway because its objectively hilarious

56. What do you like on your toast?

    Not beans.

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

    Miku :)  (it turned out so badly i scrapped it)

58. What would be you dream car?

   Golden Leopard Print Golf Cart

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

      I lie down as to not pass out (and cause warmn wotter....)

60. Do you believe in aliens?

    [redacted]

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

    never

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

    E? (it has a nice synesthetic color)

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

    Dinos

64. What do you think about babies?

    gremlins. strange beings. they are very strange and creepy-ish but can be cute but RARELY. keep away.

[flirting-with-psychology]

1. I own a ferret. 2. My best friend is my boyfriend 3. My best friend is a girl 4. I use the word super way too much 5. I am a boy 6. I like My Chemical Romance 7. I own more than 100 CDs 8. I like discussing politics 9. I collect state quarters 10. The Legend of Zelda is my favorite video game. 11. I have Cingular 12. I love MAC makeup 13. I smoke too much 14. I own more than 5 bandanas 15. My favorite movie is Kill Bill 16. I watched Lamb Chop when I was young 17. I have my ears gauged 18. I can do HTML without guidance 19. I watch Spongebob Squarepants regularly. 20. I go to the movies at least once a week 21. I play guitar or bass 22. I love Elvis 23. I’ve had a mo/bi/trihawk before 24. I have met my favorite band 25. I like to hardcore dance 26. Something’s outside my window 27. I believe in ghosts 28. I do drugs regularly 29. I am straightedge 30. My favorite feature about myself is my lips 31. I have never consumed alcohol 32. I want a tattoo. 33. My favorite actor is Will Ferrell. 34. I have seen Conan O'Brien live. 35. I hate MTV 36. I used to watch Cheaters every week 37. I have my own vaccuum 38. Frank Sinatra is awesome 39. I sleep with a stuffed animal 40. I am scared of werewolves 41. I watch hockey regularly 42. I am originally from New York 43. I own an iPod 44. Some people aren’t funny. 45. I hate school. 46. My favorite vegetable is lettuce. 47. Tickle fights are fun. 48. I am currently unemployed. 49. I have my license 50. I hate spelling mistakes 51. I love Spanish class 52. I live in a big city 53. I have been to the Grand Canyon 54. I listen to music to fall asleep 55. I watch TV to fall asleep 56. I only get a few hours of sleep each night 57. I’m relatively innocent. 58. I am a size 3 or smaller 59. I’m bored. 60. Purple is my favorite color. 61. I hate flossing 62. I have a car. 63. I believe in God 64. I’m in love. 65. I used to love Unwritten Law. 66. Reno 911 is my favorite show. 67. There is a mini stapler on my computer desk. 68. Cuddling’s my favorite. 69. For sure. 70. I have a flip phone 71. I love my handwriting 72. I own a Louis Vuitton handbag 73. I want to be an astronaut. 74. I love the song Dragostea Din Tei 75. 50 Cent is not talented 76. I like scanners better than digital cameras. 77. I own at least one Punk-O-Rama CD 78. My room is sound proof. 79. I’m 5'5 or less 80. Lying pisses me off 81. I backstab people. 82. I have been in a fist fight. 83. I have PaintShop Pro. 84. It’s almost midnight 85. My nightlight is cracked 86. I only listen to Dashboard Confessional when I’m sad 87. And I feel like a pansy when I do so 88. I hate metal 89. I’m in a band. 90. Napoleon Dynamite is annoying now. 91. I love hickeys 92. I want to lose weight 93. My favorite channel is the Food Network. 94. I don’t have a CD burner. 95. Pixar is stupid except for the Incredibles 96. I own an apartment/house 97. I am engaged. 98. My computer’s a Gateway. 99. I hate driving. 100. I like watching boys sleep. =========================== 01. I miss someone right now 02. I don’t watch much TV these days 03. I love olives 04. I love sleeping 05. I own lots of books 06. I wear glasses or contact lenses 07. I love to play video games 08. I’ve tried marijuana 09. I’ve watched porn movies 10. I have been in a threesome 11. I have been the psycho-ex in a past relationship 12. I believe honesty is usually the best policy 13. I have acne free skin usually 14. I like and respect Al Sharpton 15. I curse frequently 16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last year 17. I have a hobby 18. I’ve been told I can suck the chromes off a trailer hitch. 19. I carry my knife/razor everywhere with me 20. I’m smart 21. I’ve never broken someone’s bones 22. I have a secret that I am ashamed to reveal 23. I hate the rain 24. I’m paranoid at times 25. I would get plastic surgery if it were 100% safe, free of cost, and scars. 26. I need money right now! 27. I love Sushi 28. I talk really, really fast sometimes 29. I have fresh breath in the morning 30. I have semi-long hair 31. I have lost money in Las Vegas 32. I have at least one brother and/or one sister 33. I was born in a country outside of the U.S. 34. I shave my legs 35. I have a twin 36. I have worn fake hair/fingernails/eyelashes in the past 37. I couldn’t survive without Caller I.D. 38. I like the way that I look sometimes 39. I have lied to a good friend in the last 6 months 40. I know how to do cornrows 41. I am usually pessimistic 42. I have a lot of mood swings 43. I think prostitution should be legalized 44. I think Britney Spears is hot 45. I have cheated on a significant other in the past 46. I have a hidden talent 47. I’m always hyper no matter how much sugar I have. 48. I think that I’m popular 49. I am currently single 50. I have kissed someone of the same sex 51. I enjoy talking on the phone 52. I practically live in sweatpants or PJ pants 53. I love to shop. 54. I would rather shop than eat 55. I would classify myself as ghetto. 56. I’m bourgie and have worn a sweater tied around my shoulders 57. I’m obsessed with my Livejournal 58. I don’t hate anyone. 59. I’m a pretty good dancer 60. I don’t think Mike Tyson raped Desiree Washington 61. I’m completely embarrassed to be seen with my mother 62. I have a cell phone 63. I believe in God/ a higher being. 64. I watch MTV/Vh1 on a daily basis 65. I have passed out drunk in the past 6 months 66. I love drama. 67. I have never been in a real romantic relationship before 68. I’ve rejected someone before 69. I currently have a crush on someone 70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life 71. I want to have children in the future 72. I have changed a diaper before 73. I’ve called the cops on a friend before 74. I bite my nails 75. I am a member of the Tom Green fan club 76. I’m not allergic to anything 77. I have a lot to learn 78. I have dated someone at least 10 years older or younger 79. I plan on seeing Ice Cube’s newest “Friday” movie 80. I am sometimes shy around the opposite sex 81. I’m online 24/7, even as an away message 82. I have at least 5 away messages saved 83. I have tried alcohol or drugs before 84. I have made a move on a friend’s significant other in the past 85. I own the “South Park” movie 86. I have avoided assignments at work/school to be on Xanga or Livejournal 87. When I was a kid I played “the birds and the bees” with a neighbor or chum 88. I enjoy some country music 90. I think that Pizza Hut has the best pizza 91. I watch soap operas whenever I can 92. I’m obsessive, anal retentive, and often a perfectionist 93. I have used my sexuality to advance my career 94. I love Michael Jackson, scandals and all 95. I know all the words to Slick Rick’s “Children’s Story” 96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy 97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it 98. I have dated a close friend’s ex 99. I’m happy as of this moment 100. I was born in the 80s but I am truly a child of the 90s  101. I have slapped john dasaro and chris burke in the face..on the same night 102. I haven’t showered in two days… and I like it. 103. i own every f***er here 104. I procrastinate all the time 105. I’m a nerd 106. I LOVE the movie The Wedding Singer. 107. i hate corn. 108. i’ve attended the rocky horror picture show 109. i’ve never seen Bambi the movie 110. Thinking about the future terrifies me 111. Without music there would be no point in living. 112. If I could change one thing about myself I would 113. If someone of the same sex liked me, I would date them. 114. I went to the mall today for 5 hours ================================ Would do Have Done

001. Bought everyone in the pub a drink 002. Swam with wild dolphins 003. Climbed a mountain *004. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive 005. Been inside the Great Pyramid 006. Held a tarantula. *007. Taken a candlelit bath with someone 008. Said ‘I love you’ and meant it. 009. Hugged a tree *010. Done a striptease 011. Bungee jumped *012. Visited Paris 013. Watched a lightning storm at sea *014. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise several times *015. Seen the Northern Lights 016. Gone to a huge sports game 017. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa *018. Grown and eaten your own vegetables *019. Touched an iceberg *020. Slept under the stars 021. Changed a baby’s diaper 022. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon *023. Watched a meteor shower *024. Gotten drunk on champagne *025. Given more than you can afford to charity 026. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope 027. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment 028. Had a food fight 029. Bet on a winning horse 030. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill 031. Asked out a stranger 032. Had a snowball fight 033. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier 034. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can 035. Held a lamb 036. Organized and planned a surprise party for a loved one *037. Taken a midnight skinny dip 038. Taken an ice cold bath 039. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar 040. Seen a total eclipse 041. Ridden a roller coaster 042. Hit a home run 043. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days 044. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking *045. Adopted an accent for an entire day 046. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors 047. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment *048. Had two hard drives for your computer *049. Visited all 50 states 050. Loved your job for all accounts *051. Taken care of someone who was really sick *052. Had enough money to be truly satisfied 053. Had amazing friends 054. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country *055. Watched wild whales 056. Stolen a sign 057. Backpacked in Europe *058. Taken a road-trip 059. Rock climbing 060. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice *061. Midnight walk on the beach 062. Sky diving *063. Visited Ireland 064. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love 065. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them *066. Visited Japan 067. Bench pressed your own weight 068. Milked a cow 069. Alphabetized your records 070. Pretended to be a superhero 071. Sung karaoke 072. Lounged around in bed all day 073. Protested something you feel strongly against 074. Scuba diving *075. Got it on to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye 076. Kissed in the rain 077. Played in the mud 078. Played in the rain *079. Gone to a drive-in theater 080. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret *081. Visited the Great Wall of China 082. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog 083. Dropped Windows in favor of something better 084. Started a business 085. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken 086. Toured ancient sites 087. Taken a martial arts class 088. Swordfought for the honor of a woman 089. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight *090. Gotten married 091. Been in a movie 092. Crashed a party 093. Loved someone you shouldn’t have *094. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy 095. Gotten divorced 096. Started an office war 097. Gone without food for 5 days 098. Made cookies from scratch 099. Won first prize in a costume contest 100. Ridden a gondola in Venice 101. Gotten a tattoo 102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on 103. Rafted the Snake River 104. Been on television news programs as an “expert" 105. Got flowers for no reason 106. Made out in a public place 107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything 108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug 109. Performed on stage 110. Been to Las Vegas 111. Recorded music 112. Eaten shark *113. Drank an entire 6 pack by yourself *114. Gone to Thailand 115. Seen Siouxsie *116. Bought a house 117. Been in a combat zone 118. Buried one/both of your parents 119. Shaved all of your hair off *120. Been on a cruise ship 121. Spoken more than one language fluently 122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone 123. Bounced a check 124. Performed in theatre 125. Read - and understood - your credit report *126. Raised children 127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy *128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour *129. Created and named your own constellation of stars 130. Taken a bicycle tour in a foreign country 131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did 132. Called or written your Congress person 133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over 135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge 136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking 137. Had an abortion 138. Had plastic surgery 139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived 140. Wrote articles for a large publication 141. Lost over 100 pounds 142. Held someone while they were having a flashback 143. Piloted an airplane 144. Petted a stingray 145. Broken someone’s heart 146. Helped an animal give birth 147. Been fired or laid off from a job 148. Won money on a TV game show 149. Broken a bone 150. Killed a human being *151. Gone on an African photo safari 152. Ridden a motorcycle 153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph 154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced 155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol 156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild 157. Ridden a horse 158. Had major surgery 159. Ridden on a passenger train 160. Had a snake as a pet 161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon 162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing 163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours 164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states *165. Visited all 7 continents 166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days 167. Eaten kangaroo meat 168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground 169. Been a sperm or egg donor 170. Eaten sushi 171. Had your picture in the newspaper 172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime *173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about 174. Gotten someone fired for their actions 175. Gone back to school 176. Parasailed 177. Changed your name 178. Petted a cockroach 179. Eaten fried green tomatoes 180. Read The Iliad 181. Selected one "important” author who you missed in school, and read 182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them 183. …and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you 184. Taught yourself an art from scratch 185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating 186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt *187. Skipped all your school reunions 188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language 189. Been elected to public office 190. Written your own computer language 191. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream 192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care 193. Built your own PC from parts 194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you 195. Had a booth at a street fair 196: Dyed your hair blue 197: Been a DJ 198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal 199: Written your own role playing game 200: Been arrested ====================== 1. I have self-mutilated before. 2. I still love the song Dragostea Din Tei 3. I used to like New Kids on the Block 4. The 80s was funny. 5. I have realtones enabled on my cellular phone. 6. Public bathrooms scare me 7. I have keys on my belt 8. I’m not wearing a belt 9. I hate writing 10. I hate reading 1. I love compilation CDs 12. My favorite teachers have all been guys 13. I think Bad Religion’s only been around for ten or so years 14. I don’t know who Bad Religion is. 15. I don’t wear my hood unless it’s raining 16. I enjoy smaller clubs rather than big ones 17. I’ve put a song on repeat for more than 8 hours 18. I have sound on my computer  19. Someone wants my hiney. 20. My mom loves Elvis 21. I have my own computer 22. I live on the east coast 23. My favorite animal is a kangaroo 24. I’m on vacation 25. I don’t own a pair of ripped jeans 26. I am very insecure somewhat 27. I love to dance 28. I curse way too much. 29. I choose the pansy way and star out my curse words (f*ck) 30. I feel dumb because I was just called a pansy 31. I have a flatscreen computer 32. I collect something. 33. I’m married 34. I won’t date someone who’s smaller than me smaller, as in also shorter? 35. Brass knuckles are the shit. 36. I own a hand puppet 37. I write with blue pens 38. I wear eye makeup almost every day 39. I wish I lived somewhere other than here 40. I don’t own a band shirt. Not yet anyway.. 41. I love techno. 42. I have my nipples pierced 43. I’m shitty at wrapping presents 44. I know someone in the KKK 45. I’m racist/anti-semitist. 46. I don’t know what those mean. 47. I love life most of the time 48. I have posters all over my room 49. I’ve never been a camera whore with someone.. And I want to. 50. I’m halfway done 51. I wish I lived in the 80s 52. I know what the term borgie means 53. I’m interested in social hierarchy. 54. I love music videos. 55. I have a DVD player 56. I’m drunk right now 57. I’m listening to music 58. I have a big screen TV 59. I have an STD 60. I know the singer of the Clash’s name 61. The only IM program I have is AIM 62. I skateboard regularly 63. I live on the north side of town 64. I have been to Alaska 65. I’ve worn a cowboy hat 66. I watch late night infomercials for retarded, unnecessary things 67. I LOVE DOING THE DEATH GROWL TO MY FAVORITE METAL SONGS. 68. That last question was dumb. 69. I know what the word “peligroso” means in English 70. I speak another language fluently 71. I’ve been in a limo 72. I own a bong 73. My lungs hurt 74. I know someone who’s committed suicide 75. I’ve got a six pack and I don’t need you! 76. I know what band sung the above line 77. I like strong boys. 78. I’m sick right now 79. I know someone who’s currently enlisted in the army 80. I do not own a color phone 81. My birthday is in September 82. I hate mall cops 83. I hate most cops in general 84. I’m wearing blush 85. I live in an apartment 86. I’m still in high school. 87. I own something from Victoria’s Secret 88. I don’t know a boy that wears girls pants 89. I’ve had the same best friend since I was 8. 90. Brownies are my favorite 91. So is cake 92. I’ve heard the song “Looks Good in Leather” 93. I own some sort of propaganda, fake or real 94. I deny the Holocaust happened 95. Kisses are my favorite sign of affection 96. I need to charge my phone 97. My purse could pass for a suitcase 98. I take birth control 99. I only buy what’s fashionable

1. I love bolding 2. I know someone named Mimi 3. I hate my old best friend 4. My favorite alcoholic drink is Jack n Coke 5. I have a digital camera 6. I’m talking to at least one person online 7. I like watching college basketball 8. I have never moved. 9. I have at least one cat 10. I have at least one dog 11. I’m going to see a movie tonight maybe 12. I make my own AIM icons 13. I’m in pain 14. I watch more than five shows a day 15. I love the Cure 16. My parents like some of the same music I do 17. I have never been to the dentist 18. I listen to the radio 19. I do my own laundry 20. I’ve made at least one article of clothing 21. I have/want something on my face pierced 22. I go to at least one concert a week 23. I’ve written a story 24. I’ve dyed my hair every color of the rainbow 25. I own a Grand Theft Auto game 26. My favorite pattern is camoflauge 27. I know someone who does/did cocaine 28. I have too many game systems 29. I love scary movies 30. I hate scary movies 31. I’ve had sex more than 5 times 32. My favorite chips are Lays Original 33. I think butter is unhealthy 34. I hate the Osbournes 35. I used to have dreadlocks 36. I need to take medicine for something 37. I suffer from insomnia 38. I speak ebonics 39. I’ve gambled 40. And won 41. I have at least one gay friend 42. I like going to pet stores 43. I own a dog toy 44. And I don’t have a dog 45. I own more than ten candles 46. I’ve smoked a cigarette in the shower before 47. I’ve flunked a class 48. I listen to music every day 49. I have more than one nickname 50. I wear pajamas when I feel like it 51. I’m wearing more than one jewelry item 52. I haven’t washed my hair in a week 53. I watch the Grammy’s every year 54. Along with the Macy’s Parade 55. My favorite season is winter 56. I have seen the All American Rejects live 57. And I’ve enjoyed it. 58. Boobs are nothing special 59. I go swimming at least once a week in summer. 60. I have a pool. 61. I’ve gone skinnydipping 62. I’ve played strip poker 63. And lost 64. I want a nautical star tattoo 65. My cell phone turns off when it’s charging 66. And it pisses me off 67. I used to buy my entire wardrobe from Hot Topic 68. I’ve been to albinoblacksheep.com 69. My favorite subject is History 70. And/or math 71. I am a republican 72. I am a democrat 73. I listen to the Used occasionally 74. I have been to the Warped Tour 75. I am part Mexican 76. I am part German 77. All of my grandparents are still alive. 79. I love bowling 80. I know that there is a South Park, Colorado 81. I love Dairy Queen 82. Sometimes I think I’m crazy 83. I own a Moffatts CD 84. I own a Backstreet Boys CD 85. I want plastic surgery 86. Operation, operation, snip and tie, snip and tie 87. I know what song that line is from 88. I have killed something [bugs!] 89. I’ve never had a Nokia cell phone 90. I’m never sarcastic 91. Light eyes turn me on 92. I have never been to a foreign country 93. I don’t eat enough 94. I own illegal weaponry 95. I know someone who has overdosed on something 96. And lived to tell about it 97. I don’t own a pair of mittens 98. I love the heat 99. I’ve never had a steady boyfriend/gf 100. I want to makeout.

[musingsofawannabewriter]

Can I Be More Than The Person I Have Become?

Here I am again. Once every few months, sometimes years I get that urge to put pen to paper or in this instance finger to keyboard.

When I was little reading my mom’s Jodi Picoult, Danielle Steele or Avon romance novels I felt inspired. I wanted to write a book people would cherish and love. Then I read Purple Hibiscus and then the doubts came.

Purple Hibiscus is one of my favorite books ever and the author Chimamanda is an inspiration to me. But the doubts came because I believed I could never write a book as amazing as Purple Hibiscus, that stirred so many emotions and feelings in me that with each rereading makes me discover something new. It didn’t help that Chimamada is that perfect Igbo first daughter who has a first degree and not one but 2 MA’s and speaks fluent Igbo.

My admiration for her was tinged with a lot of jealousy. I am an Igbo first daughter, that can barely speak/understand Igbo despite growing up in Nigeria most of my life, I only have a BA in Law, I failed spectacularly at a Masters programme that from the start I only applied to because I thought it was expected of me. 

There are so many flaws in myself I could spend hours picking on but won’t for the sake of bringing down the mood of this article/opinion piece. Despite feeling I could never measure up to CNA I still chose literature as my elective in my GCSE’s and WAEC exams. Had an A for both and was the best student in class for the former. But I still felt like a fraud. I understand English, I speak it but the technical rules stump me sometimes. Like the semicolon… No matter how many times I can’t seem to retain when it applies. I suck at writing dialogue because I am always confused where to add the apostrophes and commas. Subject verb agreement, well I stumble my way through and hope for the best which has worked out okay so far.

I used to write in notebooks fervently in Secondary School. I would craft stories which would get passed around different students and their compliments and eagerness to read my words fueled me. I was going to be a writer maybe.. Get my first degree in Law then a Masters in Creative Writing. Maybe after becoming successful I’d be the next Michaela Coel adapting my work to the screen to great critical acclaim.

Well let’s just say reality hit hard, no punches pulled whatsoever. I left my sheltered Nigerian boarding school after graduation to go to the UK full time for my A Levels. First mistake was spending my years pocket money in under 3 months. Second mistake was essentially being mute for my first year of school. I have always been quite reserved and find it hard to talk to people. Going to a full boarding school meant I saw my classmates almost 24/7 so bonding and socialisation was inevitable. Well with A levels only having 3 subjects to study and it being a day school meant I could go a week without speaking to anyone except the lovely lunch ladies in the cafeteria.

If I am being honest I wasn’t used to interacting with white people and felt self conscious about my accent so it was a perfect storm. 

Then the whopper…I have always had a complicated relationship with food. Since I was younger my weight has fluctuated heavily. It didn’t help that my mom was one of those slightly bigger women who decided to become a gym addict and drop all the weight. A lot of her insecurity from being bigger rubbed off on me, directly and indirectly.

Having your mom take you to exercise classes at 13 hurts. Having your mom be so happy to see you lose so much weight because the food at your boarding school sucked hurts. Having people complimenting your mum and asking how you're related to her cuts even deeper. Every stab at my heart at confidence got buried deep. In school, I would restrict my eating by spending breakfasts which I hated asleep in class, would skip a few lunches then binge at dinner times. This had the effect of keeping my weight stable.

Even then my mom still criticised my weight. When I look back at my size 12/14 self in secondary school who was gorgeous, a rage fills me. I was so beautiful but with zero confidence. I hurt so much and wish I could go back in time for a few minutes to tell myself I was worthy of being liked, by others and myself.

Eventually being away from my mom, the safety of my boarding school friends and siblings made it easy to seek solace in food. I was in the UK, I was living in student accommodation and for the first time in my life I had a debit card. I spent hundreds of £s a month in takeaways. Then I spent over £100 on diet pills which made me feel ill. In under a year I went from a size 14 to 24 to my mothers horror and mine. I didn’t know about the body positivity movement or Tess Holliday. I only knew that my mom was angry and sad and worried I would die in my sleep one night.

In almost a decade, that has been one of her mantras when talking to me about my weight. That she can’t bury her child and she’s afraid one night I will sleep and not wake up. In her mind its concern, but the way she says it feels like emotional manipulation.

Reading back there’s a lot of mother bashing going on, but it is not intentional. Some people are besties with their mothers and I prefer a more distant relationship. We will eventually get to the daddy issues but that will take some tears and a while before I can go into that.

I crave the catharsis of writing. The word vomit and jumbled feelings in the pit of my stomach. It helps me see myself as that idealistic 16 year old with a heart full of dreams and hopes. Not the current dried out husk I think I am now. I think of my future in abstract terms.

I don’t see a family, mortgage or dog. I just see myself barely existing. I feel this with a resigned calmness. Then I have my internal spiral of being to shortsighted and hasty in writing my life off at 25. I read tweets about people finding first love in their 30s, going back to school in their 40’s and getting into their careers in their 50s. Then I hear that voice in the far corner of my mind whispering, do I even want to make it to my 40’s…

And I answer back quietly that I really don't want to make it to my 40s. I’ll maybe hold on till my parents die so my mom doesn’t lord it over me that she had to bury her child and not the other way around. But some nights I really don’t want to be alive. Some nights I wish I was never born and just like clockwork the tears start. Those tears that I hold in and the dark thoughts I numb with the stimuli of food, YouTube and now K dramas.

For the past few years, I have made my Other World. This Other World is essentially a parallel universe. In this universe I have no issues with food, I have an incredible metabolism that means I can eat virtually anything without guilt. I make friends my first day of college and join so many student societies and actually participate. I push myself in school and get into my mother’s dream of a Russell Group. I choose LSE though she wishes I chose Queen Mary. I work hard, join the Law Society, meet a lovely British Nigerian with a great background, we date a few years and get married. I get a Masters in Creative Writing and have an amazing blog which gets adapted to a critically acclaimed series and I am fulfilled.

Sometimes my Other World self changes. She is the daughter of millionaires who is a genius, polyglot and fighter of social justice. I can sing, know martial arts and take the movie world by storm. Other times I am just pretty and living a simple but happy life. I know in my heart that these are just fantasies and sometimes I wish I could be like Buffy in that episode of BTVS and stay stuck in that Other World fully. I’m sure you’re thinking about my family who I’d leave behind. My response is I can’t miss them if I never remember I had them.

I am the first daughter, the Ada. My parents though flawed always tell me I am a great role model for my siblings. I am seemingly still a virgin, don’t drink, do drugs or rock the boat too much. And I feel even worse. I feel guilty that with all they have sacrificed that they have been stuck with an average daughter and by upper middle class Nigerian standards, if that even exists, a sub par Ada. I feel defective looking around and seeing others in the peak of their careers, vetting engaged, building houses for their parents. I am still afraid of driving!! I can’t even get that basic skill down.

4 years post LLB, no LLM to at least lessen me not being a lawyer and stuck in a customer service role almost 3 years now. I know I am at fault for not making the right decisions. Not applying for the grad jobs or vacancy schemes in time. Being so down and depressed I wouldn’t leave my room for days and weeks at a time. Failing all my LLM modules, adding back all the weight and more after boot camps with my parents, not having enough savings and having an even worse accent after almost a decade in the UK.

My self-deprecating joke I tell is that my sister is the multi talented one, my brother the smart ambitious one and as my parents say I have a big heart. That essentially my parents would say my thing is having a big heart, like that ever helped anyone build a career. I thought if I couldn’t write then I could maybe study Social Work. That got shot down by my mother and I was persuaded to go into the path of Law for University. I applied for Social Work Schemes and got rejected multiple times over multiple years. I was too scared to sink my own money to self fund a Social Work Masters in case it became another LLM fiasco. SO now I have made Teaching my next career goal. I am resigning myself to it the way Henry the 8ths spouses and mistresses must have whenever he wanted to bed them. Powerless and without a choice. Then I think that’s  false equivalency and my pain could not be on the level of the pain they must have endured.

So many feelings, deep thoughts and memories flow out when I get the writing urge. I will likely never actually share this in full for obvious reasons except maybe anonymously. These few pages have jumped through quite a few time periods and experiences. My thoughts aren’t always linear and that ties in with something else I acknowledge but haven’t been serious about. I legitimately think I have ADHD and/or BPD. Watching the diagnosis episode of Crazy Ex Girlfriend by the amazing Rachel Bloom shone a light on feelings and behaviours I have had for a while. Maybe that’s why from the first episode of the show I was in love. She was stuck in the past, holding onto Josh who represented a time in her life of happiness. She had cutaways to magical musical numbers involving herself and the people around her.

The ADHD comes from following iconic black women on twitter who were outspoken about their diagnosis and bringing focus to how black women were being underdiagnosed. But then I think maybe I want to have ADHD as an excuse for the failures in my life and with the current NHS waiting lists I may not get a formal diagnosis for a while. So for now I manage and exist.

I like being honest in my writing. Exposing those dark parts of myself that I let fester in the recesses of my heart and mind. 

[nostalgiaispeace]

1950.

1: when you have cereal, do you have more milk than cereal or more cereal than milk? i think i do a good mix

2: do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day? no

3: what random objects do you use to bookmark your books? i use bookmarks

4: how do you take your coffee/tea? coffee = sugar. tea = sugar and honey

5: are you self-conscious of your smile? yeah

6: do you keep plants? no

7: do you name your plants? -

8: what artistic medium do you use to express your feelings? poetry

9: do you like singing/humming to yourself? sure

10: do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach? side

11: what’s an inner joke you have with your friends? idk

12: what’s your favorite planet? earth

13: what’s something that made you smile today? my husband

14: if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like? idk...bookish

15: go google a weird space fact and tell us what it is! no.

16: what’s your favorite pasta dish? pesto

17: what color do you really want to dye your hair? blonde

18: tell us about something dumb/funny you did that has since gone down in history between you and your friends and is always brought up. idk

19: do you keep a journal? what do you write/draw/ in it? sometimes

20: what’s your favorite eye color? blue

21: talk about your favorite bag, the one that’s been to hell and back with you and that you love to pieces. it is a lana del rey tote.

22: are you a morning person? no

23: what’s your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations? tumblr, watching a movie or reading

24: is there someone out there you would trust with every single one of your secrets? yeah

25: what’s the weirdest place you’ve ever broken into? not my thing

26: what are the shoes you’ve had for forever and wear with every single outfit? idk

27: what’s your favorite bubblegum flavor? peppermint

28: sunrise or sunset? sunset

29: what’s something really cute that one of your friends does and is totally endearing? idk

30: think of it: have you ever been truly scared? yeah

31: what is your opinion of socks? do you like wearing weird socks? do you sleep with socks? do you confine yourself to white sock hell? really, just talk about socks. i’m not a fan anymore; sure; no; no

32: tell us a story of something that happened to you after 3AM when you were with friends. we went to bed

33: what’s your fave pastry? i’m not really a pastry person

34: tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it? it’s a frog; nanny; a frog; yes

35: do you like stationery and pretty pens and so on? do you use them often? sure; no

36: which band’s sound would fit your mood right now? none

37: do you like keeping your room messy or clean? i don’t really care tbh

38: tell us about your pet peeves! leaving out dirty dishes

39: what color do you wear the most? black

40: think of a piece of jewelry you own: what’s it’s story? does it have any meaning to you? it’s my wedding band, yes

41: what’s the last book you remember really, really loving? troubled blood

42: do you have a favorite coffee shop? describe it! no

43: who was the last person you gazed at the stars with? idk

44: when was the last time you remember feeling completely serene and at peace with everything? yesterday

45: do you trust your instincts a lot? sure

46: tell us the worst pun you can think of. no

47: what food do you think should be banned from the universe? sushi

48: what was your biggest fear as a kid? is it the same today? loved ones dying, yes

49: do you like buying CDs and records? what was the last one you bought? yes; AA like a house on fire

50: what’s an odd thing you collect? nothing odd

51: think of a person. what song do you associate with them? helpless

52: what are your favorite memes of the year so far? idk

53: have you ever watched the rocky horror picture show? heathers? beetlejuice? pulp fiction? what do you think of them? yes, no, yes, yes, i like them fien

54: who’s the last person you saw with a true look of sadness on their face? idk

55: what’s the most dramatic thing you’ve ever done to prove a point? idk

56: what are some things you find endearing in people? idk

57: go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics? no, it makes me happy tho

58: who’s the wine mom and who’s the vodka aunt in your group of friends? why? idk

59: what’s your favorite myth? idk

60: do you like poetry? what are some of your faves? yeah sure. i like emily dickinson and lana’s

61: what’s the stupidest gift you’ve ever given? the stupidest one you’ve ever received? idk

62: do you drink juice in the morning? which kind? no

63: are you fussy about your books and music? do you keep them meticulously organized or kinda leave them be? music yes books no. no

64: what color is the sky where you are right now? blue

65: is there anyone you haven’t seen in a long time who you’d love to hang out with? jordan

66: what would your ideal flower crown look like? idk

67: how do gloomy days where the sky is dark and the world is misty make you feel? peaceful actually

68: what’s winter like where you live? COLD

69: what are your favorite board games? Life

70: have you ever used a ouija board? no

71: what’s your favorite kind of tea? chamomile

72: are you a person who needs to note everything down or else you’ll forget it? yes

73: what are some of your worst habits? biting my nails i guess

74: describe a good friend of yours without using their name or gendered pronouns. no

75: tell us about your pets! she’s my baby

76: is there anything you should be doing right now but aren’t? yeah

77: pink or yellow lemonade? pink

78: are you in the minion hateclub or fanclub? neither

79: what’s one of the cutest things someone has ever done for you? idk

80: what color are your bedroom walls? did you choose that color? if so, why? off white, no

81: describe one of your friend’s eyes using the most abstract imagery you can think of. nooooo

82: are/were you good in school? yeah

83: what’s some of your favorite album art? idk

84: are you planning on getting tattoos? which ones? not really

85: do you read comics? what are your faves? i have, the umbrella academy

86: do you like concept albums? which ones? sure

87: what are some movies you think everyone should watch at least once in their lives? not sure

88: are there any artistic movements you particularly enjoy? idk

89: are you close to your parents? my mom

90: talk about your one of you favorite cities. no

91: where do you plan on traveling this year? no where

92: are you a person who drowns their pasta in cheese or a person who barely sprinkles a pinch? drowns it

93: what’s the hairstyle you wear the most? bun

94: who was the last person you know to have a birthday? my dad

95: what are your plans for this weekend? chill

96: do you install your computer updates really quickly or do you procrastinate on them a lot? depends on my mood

97: myer briggs type, zodiac sign, and hogwarts house? idk, capricorn, hufflepuff

98: when’s the last time you went hiking? did you enjoy it? idk not my thing

99: list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them. no

100: if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why? back.

[mmymoon]

big life stuff

I’m going to talk about some big life stuff weighing on me right now -- in a weird way, this hellsite remains the only place to be emotionally honest, because of the lack of relatives and locals. (If you’re someone who knows me IRL please keep this under wraps for now.)

I’ve decided to start foster training, specifically to foster and hopefully adopt teens. There are some waiting kids on the list in my state that just pierced my heart with how much I COULD be their family. (Not sure if anyone ever successfully adopts off the list from seeing them online or what.) I’m in my late 30s now, and while yeah, I have chronic illnesses, cut actually being home all the time -- and understanding life is not some perfect fairy tale thing -- seems incredibly useful to parenting older kids from trauma situations. (I don’t have the energy to run around after little kids but I’ve actually taught high school and stuff before, soooo.) Plus I think I’m still kind of cool; I work anime and fandom conventions. I CAN DO A DAB. (ahem) In a lot of ways, the pandemic is actually good timing since a lot of the training is online meetings now, which is way easier on me. It’s weird how quickly this just solidified in the last few months, despite being kind of a major identity shift, but I’d looked into it off and on for the last few years. Knowing I wanted to specifically help older kids, I didn’t quiiiite feel old enough before (and honestly was having a lot more opportunities to randomly travel and such.) But, to be frank, there don’t seem like enough foster/adoptive families IN GENERAL but especially not enough who aren’t super religious and accept kids are individuals. Plus, my whole actual internal ethical deal basically is built on the idea that the rights of children is basically the core of all virtue, sooooooooo. (I hate how so much of my generation has confused personal pleasure/hedonism with virtue. Dude, Rocky Horror was already kind of dated when I was a teen. You’re pushing 40, time to actually do things for others.) Start training next week, but like the entire rest of America, they don’t know what’s going on with schools here... obviously in normal reality it makes total sense that foster kids must be in public school every day, but apparently they haven’t yet decided if they’re making a special program for kids to attend every day or if foster kids will be allowed to do distance learning or what. I’m honestly not sure I could accept the risk of a kid going to school every day, which makes me feel shitty, even though I know I can still do the training and re-do it if the pandemic ends, or whatnot. (And hey, maybe they’ll let them stay home.)

Also had another phone interview today and the worker really underlined how terrible the older kids can be... which put me in a mood... people used to say that about the kids I’d teach and it irritates me. They’re just kids, and they’re kids who have been through a lot. You want them to be happy about it and just so gosh-darn grateful people feed them? (I’m sure the case worker has to say that to dispel any dippy people’s dreams of everything being easy and magical, but... ugh.)

I just... wanted SOME place to write down my thoughts/worries/angst... although I might need to scrub it if we actually get to the checking up stage, seems like plenty of dippy youtubers document all their “foster journeys” and such, but not many from like... you know... normal people for whom the answer is not “just pray about it.” Also weird that theoretically teens I could adopt could be on here but I’m not sure actual teens use this hellsite anymore. I do watch Tiktok and think “that is an awesome cosplay but I’d make you take a jacket if you leave the convention hall” a lot nowadays. XD I guess I have aged enough to maybe be a mom. A non-traditional mom, at least.