#in 2 weeks !! i need to think of smth
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#rereading trc while simultaneously falling back into aftg stuff by virtue of reading tsc and thereby transporting myself back to when i#was sixteen but it's fine it's totally fine like it's whatever 😁👍#r.txt#anyway. me when – me when i – me when i'm trying to tell my best friend that i'm gay but i'm also trying to tell him i can take stuff from#my dreams and i took my now pet raven from my dreams like from my head i'm a dreamer but also that's kind of the same thing but also it's#really not but also it is bc it's an allegory but also that's not the only thing the dreaming is an allegory for and also i'm scared to tel#him like i'm terrified actually and i don't want to tell him but also i need to tell him but also he already knows but i don't know that he#knows and also i was goinggggg to tellllllll himmmmmm arghhhhhhh#this scene is soooooooooo like. like AOUGH. ARGH OUGH AGH AOUGHHHHHH#<- sounds of a guy taking minus xp damage with every word read of this stupid scene. he literally was going to tell gansey 😕.........#trc#ronsey#like i need 2 lay down. he came out there to tell him......the timbre of his voice being described as strange&initially unrecognizable....#i read this part like. 2 weeks ago idk. smth of the sort. and i'm STILL thinking abt it....you came out for something.....when you'd made u#ur mind to confess but ur mouth betrayed you in the end......associated with secrets and guilt......MAN.....
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i wonder if the reason ive been struggling w/art sm is bc my brush size has been 2 big
#ignoring the hand but like i made the brush smaller & instantly i drew smth i liked way better than like anyhthing this week#what happened ltierll huih#anwyays a kon 4 the ppl#i have some more ideas i want 2 draw on ths page but like im tired#i didnt add a lot of my kon hcs on this so if he looks diff thats yyyy#ASLO IF ANY1S SEEING THIS WHAT DO WE THINK OF THE AHIR#PLS I STRUGGLE SM W/HAIR I JUST NEED AN OPINION ASJKFGHAS#ok anwyays uhhhh do i tag this? ill b technically reuploading it l8rrrr uhhhh#i guess i wont :3
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look me in the eye; i'm dizzy
[static image below]
#art#my art#artists on tumblr#digital art#animation#oc#pink space#AYYYYYYYY I FINISHED THIS WOOHOO ! ! !#i have had this sitting in clip for like a week while i did artfight + then i had the idea to have them spinning so i've spent my morning#doing that hfbhsv :DD#my first real attempt on synfig!! it turned out insanely good for that i think hbsvh ; even if it is just a little turning n stuff lol :>>#i mostly had trouble exporting because i was 1) confused 2) very impatient when it comes to my files so hfbsvh#i figured it out though yeyaye :DD#also had to slow this thing down + compress it on a seperate site bc well. that's just how i know to do it hbfshv#initially i thought i could use clipchamp but they don't let you do any fine-tuning (it was such a basic tuning but lol (fine tuna..ing...)#and also they don't let you export with a transparent background ? my soul. my heart. hbfvshh#oh also with the compressing; this thing barely makes the cut for file size so i am sitting here waiting for it to load lnmfshv#i've gotta work on my bytes cuz i always have at least 1-2 things every year that need to be like screenshot or smth#//OKAY IT WORKS THANK GOD LJFSHV#hit post yeehaw :D
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my emoooootional issues and my physical iiiintimacy issuuuues
#chirps#two dogs playing tug of war in my mind. one is 'its ok to have issues around sex whether they have a cause or it's just how you are'#the other is 'yeah but you were a bad girlfriend though. you werent easy or simple and you behaved nonsensically'#it's easier to assign all the blame to myself for our incompatibility. but i don't think that's the most realistic way of looking at it#or the kindest.#still. 'isnt it a good thing if you know your girlfriend wants to have sex with you?' I WOULD THINK SO TOO#i just turn 'frigid' as they say. im demand avoidant.#'they expect something of me' is the true terror. makes me turtle up#in any case. i think me and her just think too differently. like we are just really cognitively different#i mull over stuff a LOT (i chew over things a long time in my head) while she's a lot more direct and straightforward#im also just a hashtag introvert while she's a hashtag extrovert#i need alone downtime and that fundamentally doesn't make sense to her#this breakup happened 2 years ago. but we took a two week road trip in september.#ok wait i just remembered smth that happened to me that may contribute to this. nvm
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call me a hater of the state of modern anime or whatever but i think hikaru ga shinda natsu does not need an anime and now that its going to get one i am betting on it sucking cos i trust no current anime director to know how to adapt it properly and adaptations nowadays are 1 on 1 to the manga instead of trying to understand the appeal and the meaning and what the page or the panel is trying to convey and translating that in a new media because paper and tv are not the same media at all and need different shots. May just be me tho.
#sorry i hate most adaptations of anything nowadays#like even dunmeshi whch im enjoying and having fun with i wouldnt say its a very good anime adaptation but at least it isnt terrible#the frieren adaptation was the best ive seen lately ithink#sorry i just think that theyve forgotten that adapting something to a different media means translating it and not copying it directly#and ik the anime industry is a fucking shit whole rn and it shows throguh this too#like no i dont need sakuga every 3 episodes if you know how to direct your show man idk#anime fans keep going crazy about scenes with so much money put into it whre none of the money even went to the animator that spent 2 weeks#with no sleep to animate your beloved anime character in a fght scene that is close to nauseating but sure its cool!#but what does it add. apart from it being cool. like sure being cool is smth to add but sometimes............u dont needit
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i'll be like "i'm a god of writing" and then an hour passes after i post or submit something and i'll be like "i'm so dumb there's so much i could've done better if only i'd waited a bit and looked at it with fresh eyes i would've noticed how much it sucks & what i could've improved that looks so much like first draft material there's so many revisions i could make why i am i so impulsive and overconfident" and then i'll start writing something else and be like "i'm a god of writing" again
#the woes of having both a superiority and inferiority complex#also i think this might be similar to how i only get performance anxiety AFTER the performance is done. i'm always like this#i'll be super chill before a play & during it but then the play ends and i'm like “fuck they must've hated my acting” or whatever#or i'll be super chill while singing but then it ends and i go “man i sung way too quietly & i think i was out of pitch i suck”#and once again as soon as i go back to doing it again i go “wow im super great at this im amazing”#on related news i applied to a zine with 2 out of 3 snippets being ones i started writing as soon as i decided i was actually gonna apply#& i decided i wanted to apply 5hrs before i sent the application#so uh. i wrote ~2.7k words within 5 hrs & didnt give myself time to edit it bc im a dumbass w/ no concept of time#(“the applications close jan 2nd so i need to get this done asap” dude there's like a week til then why the rush- oh youve already sent it)#tbf they're more like 2nd drafts? one is a scene i'd kind of written b4 but w/ the intent of no one seeing it so i completely rewrote it#& the other is a very VERY loose eng translation of like the first quarter of one of my one-shots. when u compare its more of a rewrite rly#but still i'm looking at them now & im getting 2nd thoughts i shouldve waited eughhh#if you're a mod of that zine pls look away hahahaha.....#unless you liked those last 2 snippets & r impressed with the fact they were rushed. if so then yea im a god of writing ik ik#but to be fr tho i actually think snippet 2 is pretty strong but i think the 3rd one is... very weak. there's not much cohesion#like i def could've added more connective tissue. i was just a bit over half the wc limit so that was def smth i couldve done. ugh
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who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it
#id have to be waterboarded before i can talk abt how i see a lot of my adhd and personality in mitsumi iwakura let alone post it#idk how to talk abt this without feeling like im talking over or invalidating ppls experiences relating with a character#someone was talking abt how ppl tie laios' autism to special interest and social difficulties but not much else which kinda flattens it#and then went into a respectful in depth analysis of other autistic behaviour that laios exhibits and it wasnt phrased meanly#its fascinating and important to me to hear someone explain a little bit abt traits that they recognized and often go overlooked#because it does help me learn more about it. but i think thats also where hesitancy kicks in when it comes to depicting it accurately#like i have adhd and some of my adhd symptoms overlap with autism (time blindness and pattern seeking behaviour) but that only means#it feels familiar to me even without having autism. on top of that traits arent always cleanly determined as being /caused/ by#a disorder. to understand my environment i compare it to something unrelated but similar to make it more familiar and for the longest time#i thought that was a personality thing and not an information processing thing since i loved playing pretend in my head as a kid#so if you make a character who experiences that hoping to reach people that also experience that and tell them its not weird or#smth youre making up like. thats the goal. ppl who dont get it arent expected to it just means it doesnt cater to them but it helps them#become familiar to it yk? since i dont have autism myself i dont feel confident i can depict it properly or explain it in my own words#but that doesnt mean im trying to dismiss it or try and cut it out completely.. ill just leave the floor open to someone who /can/#a lot of issues around fanon depictions are when smth is baselessly popularized or a characters personality and behavior is flattened#especially to fit them into a trending meme. its harmless and its supposed to be for fun but it gets tricky when you drag things that#need to be carefully explained beforehand or else it gets lost in translation. like that tweet abt 'hyperfixating' on cooking pasta#once it becomes popular language usually the original meaning is left out for the sake of simplifying it for everyone that when it#circles back theres a sort of hesitancy like. am i using it the way it was intended or am i unknowingly using the popularized version of it#actually thats probably why i felt wrongfooted during diagnosis bc it felt like i was misusing the words i heard to describe what i felt#i /know/ i see a lot of myself in mitsumi because our minds are always somewhere else and we tend to put good faith first and for me#that personal connection is enough. but idk it feels like its always gonna have to be 'palatable' first before i can talk abt it openly#mad respect to writers and creators who stick to their story even if theres the looming fear of ppl misinterpreting it and letting them#have it.. its been almost 2 weeks and i am so close to deleting that m3 dunmeshi drawing bc ppl keep saying chilchuck wouldnt have 200 HP#IT LITERALLY SAYS I MADE IT WHILE WATCHING EP 1. I USED EARTHBOUND LOGIC AND I WASNT EVEN TAKING IT SERIOUSLY CHILL#yapping
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i edited one of the fics i posted in 2023 and i feel so much better. it's still rough but 🥲 oh well. no idea what i'll do for dabi's bday. a short oneshot would be good since i can't sit with one idea for very long... will i be able to finish this other thing in time... i wanna post it in late winter/early spring but idk if i can 😫
#i will reread my old notes and see..#i wanna post at least 4 things before shiggy's bday which means i need them finished before march 11th#i have surgery on the 12th and i'll probably just sleep for 2 weeks so i would need to queue 2 of them#unfortunately do not think i will be able to get to the shiggy fluff#hopefully i can at least do the smutty oneshot#aka the one i was supposed to post last april but didn't because i wanted to finish smth else (which i did not finish)#🤕#scarlett.txt
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I want,,,,to play a video game,,,because I deserve it for doing stuff today,,,but,,,the fucking eepy <//3333
#please god help i haven't played a video game in 2 weeks#> I think about playing game#>'No with the time you're playing games you could be working on your assignment'#> doesn't play games. also doesn't work on my assignment#> gets tired. goes to bed#the cycle....#I didn't even do that much work related really...I just. stop being as worried for a multitude of reasons#one group hadn't even started their document...and we got like. clarification on some things we needed clarification on#I added references I needed so I don't have to worry about that and I can. move on with the rest of the work#we have A Week. we can get it done#also tiny bit motivated because we got the damn repo for the document actually up so I can actually. see progress I'm making when I push#yay <3#but I walked far and back to help a friend with smth and I think that counts as like. tasks completed today#even if it wasn't strictly uni work related#some stardew valley mayhaps....maybe...#android.txt
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i wanna make a dteam based game so bad
#minecraft lovehunt made its way back on my tl and also im thinking about the hypothetical game fanart that went around a bit ago#soo cool#i've always wanted to make a game#loved horror rpg games growing up#if i had the time itd basically have the exact same mechanics as fire emblem#though the combat animations would need to be simplified cause idk how to make 3d models#unless...#well the older animations could probably work as a simpler approach#a hypothetical harvest moon/rune factory/stardew game would be fun too#every so often i get the urge to start writing about their classes stat growths personal abilities and supports#i should finally start a doc#see this will spiral out of control quickly bc then ill want to design outfits and make their sprites and write their supports and#<- needs to be finishing multiple collabs#was just lamenting that i dont have summer vacation anymore But then i remembered i get 2 weeks off for the holidays >:3#and technically another 2 in the summer#maybe.. i will do smth
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WHY DID NOBODY TELL ME BURROWS END WASNT FREE
#I DIDNT TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT IT BUT STILL. SOMEONE SHOULDVE WARNED ME BEFORE I GOT COMPLETELY INVESTED#I know next to nothing abt dimension 20 I’m pretty sure I just saw a post abt burrows end specifically MONTHS ago and was like 👀👀👀#opened a tab with the first episode to watch later and promptly forgot about it#until last night! having a bad night and was like hrm what if I just watch smth#and I’ve been reading watership down recently!! finally got my own copy bc it was my favourite book when I was like NINE#so I am fully primed to fall in love with a story abt little animals rn and man#I am OBSESSED with this and also realising yeah I’m at a point where I could get very into tabletop rpgs now#what if. what if I just get dropout. what if I just do that. would that not be fun. I would like to see the stoats do stuff#i am so in love with Ava and her player and I understand so much more about brennan lee mulligan now. and VIOLA#viola may be my favourite character I’m obsessed with how she interacts with other characters.m#i NEED to know what’s up with thorn’s cult thing. and also thorn. what is going on there#hrrgrhehh the thing that’s holding me back is I’m allergic to subscriptions#impermanence. even though I know it’s fairly unlikely I’ll wanna watch it again any time soon I don’t like the idea that I’d have to like#in a couple years pay for it again or not be able to bc I can’t afford it even though I already paid for it once#I’m a books + cartridge games guy and it shows.#okay. I will chew on this. the price is not unreasonable and I have coincidentally also been looking at make some noise clips#it does not help that I basically never watch things but my favourite podcast is also ending within the next month (2 episodes left)#and this IS primarily audio so I could cook + watch mayhaps. and I’ve heard good things abt all other d20.#they have a 20% off first year deal on. annual would make me less stressed long term if I end up liking this bc cheaper + choice premade#and would also mean I can do it now and not feel bad abt wasting the first month bc I won’t be able to watch much for a few weeks#fuck it I’m allowed to make frivolous purchases sometimes I will simply swallow the subscription distaste#more stoats >:)#that aside all the players are incredible I’m pretty sure when this is done I’ll wanna watch other seasons just to see what else they do#okay go do the thing I believe in you you can spend money sometimes#luke.txt#update I downloaded the app. I am putting off the decision for another day now bc it’s 1:21am and I have not been thinking clearly <3
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It's days like these that remind me how fucked up the American Healthcare system is.
I went to the hospital today because I was throwing up (dry heaving at that point) and in agony. I was crying and I was scared and I was convinced I was dying. No that is not an exaggeration. A part of me was convinced something was horribly wrong and I was actively dying. But when my mom asked if I wanted to go to the hospital, I didn't say yes. I didn't say please. I didn't say call an ambulance I literally can't move.
I said "we can't afford it"
I said "how much will it cost"
I said "how much will the tests be"
My first thought wasn't "I need a hospital" it was "I'm fucking terrified but I need to suck it up cuz we can't afford this"
And that is so so so insanely fucked up
#my mom very quickly told me 'dont worry about that' but i was#i still am#they did multiple blood works and an ultrasound and fluids and antibiotics#and last week my mom have to borrow the only $2 i had to keep her bank account out of the negatives#i still dont know how much it was but i know its smth we cant afford#but america likes to say 'oh you think ur dying? we can help! we are gonna bill u like 20k tho lol'#heavy sigh#i hate america#ritz rants#cw hospitals#i rlly just needed to get this out of my system
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my hot take about descendants is that NONE of the core four were ready for a relationship until maybe like, the third movie (rant in tags)
#they were still adjusting to living life without struggling to survive#a girl should not be jumping into a relationship the same week she just tried her first piece of non-rotten food lol#thats not to say I don't like the canon ships#but mal married literally the FIRST man she met in auradon. at 18.#and even as far as in descendants 2 we see them still struggling to adjust in different ways (mainly mal)#in d3 they seem to have fully assimilated into life in Auradon (as much as a VK can anyway)#so it makes sense for them to THEN seek out relationships if that's what they want.#but disney ofc wanted to act like romantic love just automatically fixes a person's problems ig?? as if a relationship wouldn't just be#added stress given the position the VKs were in in d1#not to mention dating just like. wasnt a thing on the isle (mal even says this)#and I get that the kids are craving to be loved because their parents didn't gaf about them. But I wish the first movie focused more on the#finding that love in each other than romantically with outside people. a sort of “they had love in them all along” moment.#and then this fandom loves to argue about whether Jarlos/Janelos was 'rushed'. at least Carlos (and Jay +lonnie) waited a few months before#throwing themselves into the dating scene. Poor evie had her heart broken within like 3 days of being in Auradon. no wonder she was willing#to help steal the wand lol.#Anyway to wrap up this rant I didn't even mean to go on#I just think that kids who have spent the first 14-16 years of their lives fighting to survive and being put through continuous trauma on a#daily basis don't need dating right away. they need THERAPY.#if anyone here has seen stranger things its kinda an El and Mike situation were its like. the girl grew up in a lab and fell for the first#boy in regular society who was kinda nice to her lol. thats how I view Mal and Ben#same with doug and evie. he was nicer than chad but he still fell for her for her looks and she still fell for him because he was the first#guy in auradon to be genuinely interested in her. also evie had a whole “I dont need a prince” arc and ended up with a man anyway?#my problem with janelos was always that Carlos never quite worked out his mommy issues or his anxiety. I feel like he'd be afraid of hurtin#her even though that boy wouldn't hurt a fly. and we see Jane get pretty stressed out herself- have you ever been in a relationship where#both of you have anxiety? cause it either goes really well (you help keep each other calm) or REALLY terribly (you make each other spiral)#I actually really liked Lonnie and Jay (though I feel like it would've had a bigger payoff if she was in d3. not sure why she wasn't but I#wont dunk on that because it couldve been smth to do with her actress). I think Lonnie is someone who can 'handle' Jay well and match his#energy. And I like the idea of Jay finding someone he's loyal to after being commitment-phobic for 1 1/2 movies and the whole first book lo#and ofc I have to throw this in here: any auradon kid the VKs get with is never going to grasp even half of what they went through.#this doesnt mean they can't try to understand and be empathetic. but it will always cast a shadow on VK/AK relationships.
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very deep urge to make a quilt like not my little half inch epp slow fiddly stuff im working on but dont have a solid plan for but like just churn out an actual blanket sized quilt really fastttt i want a project with a finish line in sight. so i guess i need to start looking for patterns that arent the overcomplicated stuff im normally drawn to
#this has been sitting in my head since the whole spending nearly 2 weeks on the couch with only old polyester blankets available to me#and thinking every night that it would be nice to have a cotton quilt to use instead. but now the urge is rlly hitting me#and i dont want it to be a scrappy random fat quarters sort so i need to see whats in my stash and start actually planning smth....#but its after midnight i need to try and sleep. crossing my arms grumpily#also somewhat brought on by me getting frustrated w my wrist issues with hand sewing. which i love dearly. but it is slow and painful#p
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and if i, like an insane person, go through every leafs game since 2016 and clip every single point mitch marner or auston matthews have scored in the nhl and upload it to youtube in my own archive... then what
#to accompany a very lovely stat spreadsheet made by the lovely lou.#removing watermarks for 2 weeks wasnt enough. i need to do smth even more INSANE ot keep me at bay here#love that i lack a lot of visual creativity sometimes so i just turn to pure analytical documentation as a form of stress relief like#this is so fun to me fkldjs#ARCHIVAL.. THINK I WAS BUILT FOR IT#painstakingly..#im refusing to use pre-packaged highlights on yt too.. like im going back n trying to find the full games...#god help me lkFJDKLS
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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