#imagine sending this to someone who actually is diagnosed with mental illness

[sanityshorror]

kill yourself

Very kind, thank you.

[telesilla]

The following is an extended metaphor included in a ridiculously long letter I’m sending to my health care provider. I’m posting here because…idk, it’s writing and sharing it with y’all is probably more effective for my mental health than sending it will actually be.

You see, it’s been too long since I’ve seen anyone for my mental health so I need to go through a screening, presumably to discover if my disability (which has been diagnosed since 2000) is still real or something. Now mind you, this isn’t the government trying to cut my benefits, this is my healthcare provider (a company whose name rhymes with Miser) making me do this to get the healthcare I pay for. Thing is, there is only one way to access this screening, through phone. I can get a mammogram appointment through a phone call, the website, their surprisingly decent app or just fucking walking in on a slow day. Mental health care? Gotta be a phone call to get a screener appointment that will then pass me along the system.

Meanwhile my primary care doctor’s office keeps fucking nagging me about other health issues (which really fucking stresses me out since I know I should care but I can’t because I’m fucking crazy) and I’m like, I have one fucking major diagnosis with you people and yet, no one has ever once reached out to me about it. And since that diagnosis gets in the way of other health stuff, idk maybe we should nag me about that instead? So I wrote a letter to the patient advocacy folks asking them to tell my doctor’s office to lay off, but it’s really 1600+ words telling them that they suck. Nothing will change, but I guess I feel better?

Like a good number of people with mental illnesses, I have certain things that are hard for me to do. Simple things that ordinary people do without thinking, like making phone calls, can be impossible if your brain does not cooperate

As an example, please imagine you’re standing on the edge of a cliff, a really high drop, ten or more stories. There is a person next to you and they say, just step forward. You can’t do that because if you step forward, you’ll die. The person insists that the drop is the same as a regular stair, just a few inches, and that you just need to take the step and you’ll be fine. You ask if there’s a handrail, or maybe an alternate path, because you really do want to move forward, only there’s this cliff and your brain won’t let you take that step. The person insists that because it’s a simple step you don’t need handrails or an alternate route and kind of implies that you’re a little foolish for even asking. It’s just a step.

Now, stay with me on the edge of that cliff and imagine that instead of some random person who doesn’t know me, it’s someone who is supposed to care about me. It is, in fact, someone who I pay a fifth of my limited income to care about me. Someone who knows for certain that I have a condition that makes it hard for me to judge distances. But all they do is keep telling me it’s just a step, and it’s one I’ve stepped down before. And all I can remember is that the only reason I was able to step off it before was such severe mental pain that I was considering running from my home or possibly even killing myself. So when the only alternative to blowing up my whole life or even ending it was to leap off a cliff, yes, I was able to leap. However being able to jump off a cliff only because there’s a bear about to eat you is not a way to deal with everyday mental health issues.

[thedisablednaturalist]

so sorry ppl that cant read are sending you messages about those posts but i get it completely. rheumatologists and osteos and NP's want to hear more abt my decade old severe anxiety and depression and adhd and ~more~ diagnoses than chronic debilitating pain and just slap vitamin D pills on it and throw up their hands because "test results are weird idk what to tell u even tho i said it was this two weeks ago". abled friends and coworkers can have conversations about their mental health struggles but its looked at self pityingly if i bring up how my life is irreparably damaged by my physical disability because disabled people have to be strong and resilient to earn a place in their field and if you cant cut it just get on those snazzy disability benefits and let it get worse. i think a lot of abled ND people just cant accept that they do not experience the worst of life's struggles and that solidarity doesnt make us the same

I try to be understanding and answer peoples questions politely when I have the spoons and if they are genuinely confused bc I used to be ignorant as well about a lot of aspects of physical disability but it gets so tiring. Nowadays there are a ton of resources from physically disabled people talking about their experiences its actually quite easy to educate yourself on our struggles. Like sorry I get a little frustrated and rude when I'm constantly bombarded by ableism and rude ass people.

Also yeah that's exactly what I've been trying to say. Doctors can usually relate to people having mental health struggles and even some aspects of neurodivergencey. But they cannot understand someone looking completely fine and not being able to detect anything but complaining of horrible pain and constant tiredness outside of the lense of mental health. And if your mental health is managed or only suffering because you are in constant pain, they say you're faking, or OBVIOUSLY you just need to lose weight, or drink more water, or exercise more than any able bodied person does. People take one look at me and think the solution is obvious and I'm just too stupid or lazy to figure it out.

And me saying this isn't saying that mental illness is super easy to deal with. Its fucking awful as well and many doctors say this shit to neurodivergents as well. And this is especially true for poc and people with psychosis or bipolar disorder or schizophrenia.

I went to my first therapist in my sophomore year of highschool and got medicated that same year. I started investigating my health issues in college freshman year and have JUST gotten actual results from treatment. SIX fucking years later. SIX fucking years of CONSTANT PAIN. And I have great insurance and a great dad who just wants me to feel better (my mom is a different story). My parents are sort of upper middle class and I live in a very privileged area. Of course that means I can't afford to move out even with an ok salary, but at least there are plenty of doctors around to choose from and plenty of appointments available. I can't imagine how long it takes someone without those advantages. And even still I had to fight to be listened to, I had to listen to so much bs from doctors and had to go from doctor to doctor begging for someone to listen.

Like they really don't get how unbelievably hard it is to get care for physical disabilities, visible and invisible. If you're visibly disabled you get treated like a child and a monster and you're isolated from society. If you're invisibly disabled you get laughed at by doctors and ignored. If it's hard for you guys imagine that difficulty increased by 100%.

I try to be really visible when I'm working in a position I know has my back. I really try to educate young people and children on what my disability looks like and I hope disabled kids and kids who eventually become disabled can see me and know that their lives are valuable and they are valuable. And it is possible to find joy in your life and reasons to keep living. And employers shouldn't be able to throw away our resumes and pay us less just cause we may need a little extra help. I know what everyone thinks when they see me in my wheelchair and using my walking sticks and when I tell them I need to take a break as I'm running out of spoons. I know their first thought is what the hell am I doing here if I'm in so much pain? When people see me by myself in my wheelchair they think I must have gotten lost and separated from my abled handler. I love my job, I love what I do, and I want to be able to keep doing it. But I can't work as long as an abled person, I can't do it without accommodations. Hell abled people shouldn't be working as long as they do either. I wish to live a life where I'm free to do the work I love without killing myself and still be able to live a comfortable life. Every disabled person, working or not, deserves to live a comfortable life.

[symptoms-syndrome]

1, 3, 5!

Thank you!

1. Do you have an inner world? If yes, is it something you consciously made? What is your inner world like?

Yes, kinda? And it's sort of in between. I had a sort of "inner world" type thing I would imagine myself in a lot as a kid/teen. It's not like how some other people describe inner worlds where it's like. A place parts hang out in, it's sort of like a daydream. A mental safe space. It's a big big willow tree with some rooms inside, mostly a big foyer with a fireplace and comfy chairs. Tardis-esque in like. Inside vs outside size. It's also got sort of a moat around it, between the trunk and where the willow branches reach the floor, with clear, cool water.

And in therapy, my therapist suggested I create a "meeting room" and a "safe space," so I already had the safe space down. The "meeting room" is based on a classic diner I used to go to a lot, with booths and a counter. Like the kind that look like they're in an old train car. Like this:

But more blue/teal. I was sort of intimidated by the idea of a "meeting room" because something like a conference table makes me feel like I'm in trouble. A diner is more friendly because parts can be in the same place but still have their own space. Like they don't need to all be around the same table and that's less intimidating. It feels less like a forced meeting.

The first time I used it Aslan just colored on the paper placemats while Tomas (who was the one like. In front during that session) sat with him. I haven't really used it in therapy for any actual meetings yet, I think it takes getting used to first.

3. Do you experience your disorder as overt or covert? What does that mean to you?

It's hard to say mostly because it's hard to isolate one of my disorders when talking about how I'm perceived. I generally say overt just because I'm noticably mentally ill, but it's not like people generally go "oh DID." When I told my friends about it though they did say that it made my behavior make more sense.

Though I have had two therapists at this point tell me they were genuinely astonished that I hadn't been diagnosed earlier. Apparently I am very visibly DID to clinicians. I don't really know what that means.

I am like. Very secretive about my actual diagnosis of DID IRL/everywhere except here and with my closest friends. I don't generally announce parts or switches or anything, I think my friends just know that they need to remind me of things more often and that I can act really differently at times/have different opinions on things (like food, which could be relevant to a hangout) so they ask about that kind of thing more often than I think they would for someone without my condition.

TLDR overtly mentally ill but try not to make a big deal about it.

5. Are there parts that are more able to communicate with each other than others?

Definitely. I call one group of parts (of which I am a part of, no pun intended) the "raspberry" because we're like. Parts that make up a bigger thing. Like the little cells of a raspberry. Even among the raspberry there's slightly varied levels of communication, but generally we're able to communicate with each other about some things. Outside the raspberry is definitely harder. There's some parts that have very clear communication only when they want to and are hard to reach otherwise, some parts that seemingly send one-way messages, and some parts that are totally or almost totally isolated. Or maybe just don't want to talk. Hard to tell.

[remyxavierr]

Imagine being a psychiatrist and prescribing your patient an additional antipsychotic (after telling said patient that you don't even think they actually have bipolar) but not enough to make it their next appointment and you don't give them a refill either. 🙃🙃🙃🙃 What the fuck. What am I supposed to do? Just cold turkey stop taking the antipsychotic you prescribed to me because you can't be bothered to accept my request for a refill?

WHY DOES ALBERTA THINK THAT ANY PSYCHIATRIST IS GOOD ENOUGH TO DEAL WITH /EVERY/ MENTAL ILLNESS???? IMAGINE SENDING SOMEONE WHO HAS BIPOLAR WITH PSYCHOTIC FEATURES TO A FUCKING PSYCHIATRIST WHO REFUSED TO EVEN SAY THE WORD BIPOLAR AND WANTED TO RE-DIAGNOSE ME WITH "EMOTIONAL DYSREGULATION". DOES YOUR "EMOTIONAL DYSREGULATION" THAT I GOT FROM MY "CHILDHOOD TRAUMA" THAT YOU JUST ASSUMED ABOUT ME FROM SPEAKING TO ME FOR 10 MINUTES CAUSE HALLUCINATIONS AND DELUSIONS, BITCH, OR DO YOU THINK MAYBE YOU'RE IN WATER THAT MAYBE A LITTLE TOO DEEP FOR YOU? THAT MAYBE YOU DON'T KNOW SHIT ALL ABOUT BIPOLAR AND MAYBE IT'S A LITTLE DANGEROUS FOR YOU TO BE PLAYING AROUND WITH MY FUCKING MEDICATION???

She better fucking hope my mood gets better by the time I see her at the end of the month or they're going to have to kick me the fuck out when I give her a piece of my fucking mind.

I would MUCH RATHER a doctor be honest with me and say they don't have experience with patients who have bipolar than fuck around with me and my unstable brain. I'm trying to be patient with these fucking doctors but they don't understand what it is fucking like to have my brain and they refuse to listen to me when I try to explain it.

I want to burn their whole office to the ground :)

[goat-shoe]

Google “moral OCD”

hey anon... im sure you have Good intentions, but pls dont tell me what to do!

i think one issue with modern fandom is the disregard of boundaries. if youre on anon sending me tumblr asks, we Probably dont know one another super well! so Please do not attempt to armchair diagnose me, its Incredibly invasive and borders on bullying. Seriously.

im rambling a bit, but ive gotten multiple asks like this recently, so this goes for all of you: Please respect my boundaries!

additionally: imagine being someone who Actually has moral OCD reading your ask to me. it could Totally come off like youre just using OCD as a joke and insult (we All know the ways i get harassed on this site) ;;; also, imagine if i Myself really had moral OCD. if you really care so much, could you care about how uncomfortable it would feel to be told that im visibly mentally ill? Especially when you actually Consider how OCD works....

ugh.

tldr: i dont experience "obsessions" or "compulsions". i am not even religious! my values are Kind Of just being a decent person, and disrespectful actions bother me.

just IMAGINE if someone harassed the miras about moral OCD. omg ;;;;;;;

[jessefandomunited]

RE your post (asking are you the asshole) - no, you're not an asshole, and in fact, I think you've done the right thing. I had to stop talking to my non-binary autistic ADHD friend because they'd be so fucking negative all the time, and I never got to be a part of when it was good. Like ever. They'd post their other friends all over instagram and snapchat, but then I got lectured about how I have autistic ADHD tendancies too, for hours and hours... and that mental illness label very quickly became an excuse for their behaviour, and for the negativity they have no intention of working on. Someone who is supposedly clinically depressed does NOT enjoy going out and being social and doing what this person was doing. I took care of them for an entire weekend and got the shitty end of the stick on their tour, but the next friend got happy lala friend who didn't seem to suffer at all from any of the symtoms their labels give them that they simply can't live through. My problems, however, are never discussed, and I always need to just buck up and go to the doctor and get diagnosed with autistic ADHD myself.

Compare all this to another friend of mine who has actual ADHD, and she has never ever EVER in the 3 years I've known her used it as an excuse for shitty behaviour. She'll sooner say 'I'm in a really shit mood don't talk to me' than be nasty and then three weeks later go on twitter and bitch about it in indirect twitter threads, and then say how it's their autistic ADHD that made them be straight up nasty. People with actual mental health struggles/problems/issues/illnesses/insert word here never, and I mean NEVER, use it as an excuse for shit behaviour until it's after the fact and they're healthy and apologising for how they were and thanking the people who helped them get help.

I would love to see my NB friend go into therapy and get themselves sorted. I did 2.5 years of weekly therapy and I couldn't imagine speaking to myself now how I did back then - and yeah, slowly easing myself away from this NB friend felt incredibly homophobic at first (and that's honestly how it was taken in a nasty little indirect tweet), but I made the point that I left because of how they behaved outside their sexuality. Their sexuality had fuck all to do with it. Blaming a mental illness for treating people like shit had everything to do with it. I don't speak to this friend any more because I can't face the slog of it. Because it is a slog. It's such a slog, constantly giving 180% because you have to make up for not just the 80% they're not giving you, but the entire fucking friendship's 100%. You have to be both friends all the time, and if you don't, or you call them out on their bullshit and stop giving them rope to hang themselves with, you're the worst person imaginable.

Unfortunately (and this is where I'll leave it), getting mental health help and getting out of toxic negative loops has to be the goal of the person. No matter how many resources you waste time sending, they have to want to do it.

You are an amazing person and a great friend, by the sounds of it. But honestly, cut your losses, move on, and focus on being the best person to yourself that you can be - because you have to live with you. You might as well treat you right <3

This was a lot but I really appreciate you taking the time to share your experiences, I honestly feel so happy that I’m not the only one who’s gone through something like this.

Unfortunately you are right. I’ve tried to give them help, there illegally going to therapy but I’m unsure for how long. They really need to get to a point where they admit they need help and I really can’t afford it anymore.

I told one of my friends “ I feel really bad but I feel so calm , so much peace since they stopped contacting me. Like I’m actually able to continue my search for the positivity in my life again. I honestly didn’t even realize how bad it was, till it stopped .

I do feel for them but I’ve been there for them for 10 plus years , this should be a wake up call that it’s probably time to get more help.

Thankyou again

[gffa]

I approached the Jedi philosophy in a similar way. But not because of anger. Adhd and therefore emotional regulation issues as a kid/teen that was completely undiagnosed was a mess. I also didn’t fully get into Star Wars fandom until last year when I gave clone wars a shot because, hey, we have Disney plus and the only Star Wars thing I’ve seen that I’ve actually really liked was rebels is clone wars any good? So I actually didn’t even have fandom telling me that.

So… hearing Yoda tell Luke not to feel? It was like the adults around me telling me not to be emotional and that I needed to control the temper (aka my meltdowns; I rarely actually lashed out at anyone unless they didn’t give me a chance to calm down and continued to tell me I needed to do something) and yeah.

I enjoyed the prequels more because it seemed better and yet I never liked Anakin (in hindsight, it’s because he sometimes seems like my mom; gotta walk on eggshells because you’re never sure if this is going to set him off or not).

But also at the same time, while I never went full on Jedi bad/cult I definitely thought there were things they could’ve done better. Taught better how to dela with emotions; not suppress them. Because everything they said in the movies seemed like exactly the same things everyone around me told me to do, so I learned to suppress emotions. I suppressed emotions so deep down it took me years after being diagnosed with anxiety to actually recognize the feeling as anxiety.

I’m not exactly sure what changed my opinion on it but I just know now that as an adult who tries to be emotionally/mentally healthy while in a healthy relationship and raising two kids… the Jedi get it right.

Maybe how they teach it isn’t right for everyone; I find it hard to believe that some didn’t slip through the cracks at various points but that’s probably the cynic in me since I was the one who slipped through the cracks having been a near straight A student with a mom who had adhd. And I can, since I certainly misinterpreted what the Jedi said in the movies, can easily imagine a youngling getting it wrong and it not being recognized until teens or later. But that also would be a rarity, not the norm like I assumed as a kid.

So yeah, I did have to learn to let go as well. My feelings justified or not, were just so suppressed I’m still working through them, nine years after starting to take charge of my mental health properly after being diagnosed with adhd and anxiety. It’s freeing being able to let go, though trying to process them enough so the emotions stop coming back can be a pain.

First of all, I'm sorry that you've had to go through all that, it's a lot to unpack and while I'm really proud of you for coming around to being in a better place (for your sake, because I want you to be in a better place however you get there), because it's a hell of a lot of work and it's not easy, but you yourself are doing it. That's your victory and I'm proud of you. Your message was really heartfelt, thank you for sending it, I hope that I can give that same feeling back and be thoughtful in my response, if nothing else I am at least genuinely trying, I promise! 😂 So if I seem like I'm swinging it back around to my own experiences, it's not because I don't value everything you've said, but because I don't want to talk for other people or assume things about their deeply personal circumstances that aren't mine to comment on. So, I think all I can really do is gently reach out a fist for a fistbump, tell you that I'm proud of you for working on yourself, thank you for your words, and talk about my own experiences through my own lens. For me, I think a lot of what resonated with me and understanding the Jedi is that I've dealt with so much mental illness (and still do) that I once heard a doctor giving an interview and talking to someone who was struggling with similar issues that I had and explained that their brain was lying to them about so many of these negative thoughts and feelings and hopelessness they were feeling. And that just shot right through me. Because it was a moment of clarity like a light had been switched on in my head. Oh, that's why I have so much trouble understanding what my friends and family are trying to give me. That's why I have so much trouble believing there's hope when I get like this. That's why I feel like I can't do this, that it'll be like this forever, that nobody loves me, that I'm just a horrible burden to everyone, that they'd all be better off without me, that the entire world is gray and lifeless and will never change, that I believe these things, even when I know people aren't lying to me when they tell me it's not true. When I stopped to consider my situation as if a loved one were in it, would I judge them for the way they were feeling and struggling? Of course not! They're Going Thru It and it takes a toll. So why do I feel like I'm not worthy of the same consideration? Why can't I get over that thought? Oh, because my brain is fucking lying to me. All that bad brain chemistry makes it so that my brain fucking lies to me. And that also helped me understand that I wasn't always seeing other people or what they were saying clearly. That my feelings are incredibly real and important, you can't just sweep them aside because, oh, the other person didn't mean it that way! Those feelings don't just disappear, but they do take on new context and understanding but they still have to be acknowledged and let go. It helped me to understand what I was feeling, to understand that feeling something was valid and real and important but it didn't have to control me, and I was faced with a choice: Stay in those feelings of anger and hurt, often very valid feelings, where it was easier not to do the hard work OR let them go and be a little bit freer from all that weight. Those were my choices, I had to pick one. And the more I let shit go, the more I'm not so fucking all the time. It's a lifelong journey, I'm going to stumble sometimes, I'm going to have to pick myself back up, I'm going to lash out and have to make it up to people, but I am so much better than I used to be. All of this was something I had to figure out before I came back to Star Wars and the Jedi, so when I got further into the story and what the Jedi said/did, it started resonating so strongly with me. The Jedi really, really got it right for me. You're also absolutely right that it's not for everyone and I think it's fair to say that a few did end up slipping through the cracks. While the percentage of people we saw in the source material falling to the dark side was really low (or just

that the Jedi way didn't work for them), there are still some and that's just how anything ever has worked. No belief system, no type of therapy, no medication, no mental health work has ever had a 100% success rate, none of them are completely perfect, not a single one of them is, some are always going to fall off. That doesn't invalidate the good it does, nor does it mean that those it doesn't work for have to try to keep forcing themselves or just aren't trying hard enough or whatever. But those it does work for--and there were a lot of them, the absolute majority of them by all accounts we see in the source material--are worthwhile, too. I'm sorry for all the pain that you've suffered, I'm sorry that you slipped through the cracks and weren't found earlier, that you've had to work extra hard because of it. Whatever method you found to work for you, whether aligned with the Jedi teachings and their real world equivalents or on another path, I'm so glad that you found it, because you deserve to find that peace and settlement within yourself. You sound like you really have put a hell of a lot of work into this and it shows, you're doing amazing, I'm so proud of you.

[flagellant]

Maybe dont have a hot take, actually. Youre an occult/religious blogger, not a psychiatrist, and your opinion is actively harmful and dismissive to systems. What do you know about DID or OSDD-1? Do you actually, deeply understand introjects as a concept? Or is this a thinly veiled jab at psychotic people, too, because they "need to detach from fiction" or something? It doesnt matter if there ARE people who have this relationship with the topic - are you actually informed enough to speak about this without sounding like a smug asshole who thinks hes better than the ~mentally ill~ and knows more than people who actually hold these experiences? Honestly, even if YOU were a system, there is no way to analyze peoples experience from the outside, because frankly, its easier to exist as a #quirky system where you only put across your most socially acceptable symptoms to outsiders than one where you are truly open about yourself. Imagine if you said about trans people, "yeah i mean some of them are real and all but i think a lot of them just have a weird relationship with misogyny." Do you see how awful that sounds without any clarification? I hope you realize how alienating saying shit like this can be, and it puts people like me (meaning anyone with a dissociative disorder that manifests this way OR frankly anyone whose symptoms can be simplified down by misinformed assholes into """"too into fiction"""" without any knowledge of underlying cause) in a position where we cannot have a place in this community without CONSTANTLY having to police what we say and how we say it.

Maybe me sending you this will do nothing, since someone else has already much more politely explained in the notes of the post that its alienating, dismissive, and not at all your place to make statements like that, especially on any platform where you have a following. Ill try to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you just havent gotten around to looking at the notes yet. Either way, maybe you just wont post this, which is both avoiding your mistakes and letting your audience (however large or small) be left with what is at best a well-intentioned, if misguided, post, and at worse be left with malicious borderline misinformation. Please consider your impact, both on your immediate community and in making the larger one less hospitable to anyone affected.

1. I don't have to tell you my diagnoses and whether I am diagnosed with something or not does not impact the point I made.

2. Did you literally just try and compare me saying "I don't think most people on the internet actually have an understanding of what DID actually is" to blatant transphobia and transmisogyny? Fuck off. Words mean things.

3. The next time I make a post you don't agree with, I am begging you to either just unfollow and block me or say this shit in a way that doesn't make my ADHD want to put a pistol to my attention span. I'm always willing to listen when I actually fuck up, but holy shit, this wasn't how you do it, chief.

I remain entirely unconvinced that most people on this site claiming they have DID or OSDD have any clue what they're actually talking about, and this was so far beyond convincing that what I posted was at all wrong that it's honestly actually impressive.

[thatshithurted8]

Overboard

Summary: In which the outcome of a traumatic event the Pogues go through leaves JJ feeling numb and hopeless.

Request: Something a lil different - I was wondering if you could do an imagine where the reader is JJ’s girlfriend and one day when they were out surfing with the pogues, the reader gets bitten by a shark? Happy or sad ending you choose 😁 lmao I just watched soul surfer heheheh @spideybitey18 

Trigger Warnings: Severe injury (amputation, blood loss, shark attack, etc), mention of bipolar and depression. If you get triggered easily by any of these things I highly suggest you skip this read!

Word Count: 1.9k

-

JJ will never forget the sound of you screaming in pain. 

It all happened so fast that none of the Pogues had a chance to evaluate the situation. One moment you and JJ were dancing and kissing then the next you were swimming away from the boat after falling overboard. 

The Pogues were used to your impulsive behavior and weren’t that surprised when you remained in the water. However, there was something they didn’t know, even your beloved boy friend, JJ. You were just diagnosed as bipolar. 

Despite not letting your boyfriend or best friends know you have been recently diagnosed as bipolar, they were used to your behavior and actions. You were even more impulsive than JJ at times and then all of a sudden you would be swarmed by feelings of emptiness and numbness, that left you lying in bed for weeks at a time. None of the Pogues nor JJ even connected the dots and assumed that you were bipolar. After all the school system barely talked about mental health and illnesses how were they supposed to know the signs and symptoms?

 You were diagnosed when your mom brought you to the doctors after you continued to add wood to a bonfire you were having with your younger brother. The fire was so big and out of control that it almost caught onto your house, but yet you continued to add wood. That was your moms last straw, she was tired of you acting so carelessly and then proceed to randomly become depressed. 

Even though your parents and the rest of your family are supportive of your diagnosis you didn’t want to believe it. Being bipolar would mean people would think you were crazy and most people would see the illness before they see you as a person. With your parents wanting the best for you they pushed for you to take medicine and eventually go to therapy, but you didn’t want any of that. You liked you the way you were. So you found yourself sneaking out of your house after getting into an argument with your mom for not taking your meds. If only you knew that just a few hours later you would be fighting for your life. 

Of course your friends and boyfriend were concerned and worried when you first fell over board after hitting a rough patch of water, causing the boat to rock back and forth. They were worried that you hit your head off of the side of the boat, but luckily you resurfaced quickly, letting out a carefree laugh. A laugh that JJ loved so much. 

JJ had to admit at first he thought it was amusing that you were swimming away from the boat, but then he suddenly saw a fin poking through the deep water, causing him to freeze. He seemingly forgot that basically everyone in the Outer Banks was out on the water after hearing the news that around fifteen great white sharks were spotted not too far off of the shore. The only difference though was that the Pogues were the farthest out in the water, you claiming that it would be impossible to spot a shark when the waters were heavily crowded with Kooks, Pogues and Tourons alike. JJ wanting to appease you, who he loved so much decided to drive the boat further out into the water while you and your best friends danced and drank. 

Seeing the shark fin put all of the Pogues in a frenzy except for you. Instead of swimming back to the boat or grabbing a hold of the life preserver that John B threw to you, you swim in the direction of the shark. The four Pogues on board screamed and watched with horrified expressions while you laugh before dipping under the water. 

A few seconds go by before you resurface and when you do you let out a scream, claiming that the shark bit you. This only causes your friends to freak out even more. Kie throws in another life preserver towards you, John B scrambles to find JJ’s gun to shoot the shark, Pope screams at you to remain calm and JJ throws his hat off and gets ready to jump into the water to grab you. 

However, everyone stops panicking when you start to laugh while splashing around in the water, making a big commotion. JJ remembers yelling at you for pulling something like that while Kiara simply hugs Pope so she could stop shaking. 

JJ never yelled at you, but you were irritated that they didn’t find it funny. Couldn’t they tell that you were having fun? Why did they have to ruin your fun? 

In the midst of you laughing, JJ telling you to get back on the boat in an authoritative tone and the rest of the Pogues calming down no one noticed where the great white went.  And soon enough everyone found out. 

Despite everyone being annoyed or upset with you, you continued to swim and splash around in the deep water. You felt so carefree and happy, it was euphoric. However, this all came to an end when you let out a gut wrenching shriek, making the hairs on the back of JJ’s neck stand up. 

This time wasn’t a joke and you actually got bitten by the shark you weren’t afraid of just mere seconds ago. At first your best friends thought you were just playing again, but from the sound of your scream JJ knew you weren’t. 

Almost instantly JJ sprung into action to save his girlfriend. Without thinking he jumped into the water. Adrenaline rushed through his veins as he swam through the water and grabbed you, the water around you two becoming red. He quickly wraps his arm around your waist and uses his other hand to grab one of the life preservers all the while trying to look out for where the aquatic predator went. 

John B and Pope instantaneously grab a hold of the rope connected to the life preserver to pull you guys back on board while Kie pulls up the anchor from underneath the water. The boys hearts race faster as the seconds go by, especially when they see the shark fin cut through the water once again. 

Once you and JJ are beside the boat JJ lifts you up and Pope and John B grab you. However, their eyes pop out of their sockets when they see the damage to your body. The shark bit off your right hand and forearm. It was like a scene from soul surfer, minus the surfing part. 

Kie comes running over after putting the anchor back inside the boat. She helps John B lay you down on the floor gently while Pope helps JJ get back on. JJ remembers his heart race increasing rapidly in that moment. He didn’t realize how bad it was. 

Instantly JJ falls to his knees and goes to your side. Without communicating with each other John B runs and starts the boat, slipping on some of your blood on the way there. Pope stood frozen in one spot watching with wide eyes while JJ grabbed your other hand. 

None of them expected that the day would end up like this. The sound of JJ’s voice screaming for someone to call 911 would replay in the Pogues heads over and over again like a broken record, that will haunt them forever. Desperation and worry leaked from the blondes voice as he continued to yell at his friends. 

Kiara grabs your phone and calls 911. Within seconds she was on the line with a dispatcher and explaining to them what happened. JJ tried his best to remain calm while talking to you, expressing how much he loved you and how you were going to make it. Shock still washed over Pope and he started to pace while John B started to drive the boat back to shore. 

However, since you wanted to go out farther into the water than everyone at the beach that day you guys were miles away from shore. It also didn’t help that the water was already crowded with boats to begin with. 

Despite being so focused on you JJ somehow hears Kie yell at him to apply pressure to your wound. He does as follows and presses down where the shark bit, soaking his hands in blood. Kiara covers her ear to hear the operator properly before barking out her next orders to JJ. 

He had to apply more pressure than what he was giving. Pope finally breaks out of his trance and runs over to help JJ, with that he tells the blonde to un-do his belt, which he immediately does. It wasn’t like you guys were planning on going swimming so JJ simply wore his normal cargo shorts, boots and muscle shirt. 

Pope wraps the belt around your severed arm, just above the elbow as Kie tells John B to stop because they were sending a helicopter. The two boys tighten the belt, but it slips off of your arm every few seconds because of your arm being covered in your slick blood. 

JJ looks down at you and moves your hair out of your face, blood transferring from his hands to your forehead. For some reason you were extremely calm it was like your body went into shock. You were aware of what happened, but you felt paralyzed. 

The Maybank boy continues to whisper sweet nothings to you as Pope struggles to keep the belt wrapped tightly around your arm. Despite it feeling like decades before the helicopter got there it actually got there quite quick. 

The red emergency helicopter flew above the boat and dangled a paramedic and air stretcher down. Much like the attack, you getting strapped into the stretcher before being taken up into the helicopter happened extremely fast. 

Little did JJ or the Pogues know that was going to be the last time they saw you alive. As JJ told you how much he loved you one more time the sight of your glazed over eyes will be forever imprinted into his memory. 

Although the Pogues hoped and prayed for the best while speeding back to shore, coated in your blood their wishes wouldn’t come true. On the way to the hospital you passed away due to blood loss. 

This would ultimately make JJ and the rest of the Pogues feel guilty for the rest of their lives. If only they acted quicker. 

Every night since that fateful day JJ would stay up laying on the pull out couch in John B’s living room. He was emotionally numb and tired. He desperately wanted to cry after all the love of his life just passed away and he couldn’t help, but think it was his fault. If only he didn’t drive the boat further out into the water or if only he jumped into the water and grabbed you before the attack. Despite wanting and needing to let his emotions out he continued to bottle them up. He was too numb to cry anyways. 

JJ was so upset that he almost missed your funeral entirely. He couldn’t bring himself to get out of bed and face your family. After all wasn’t it his fault that he allowed you to feed into your impulsive antics? 

Even though JJ was staying at John B’s he hadn’t said barely a word to any of his grieving friends. He was too heartbroken and wrapped up in his depressing thoughts. If only he knew it wasn't his fault nor yours and who was at fault was the chemistry in your brain. 

So as he stood beside your family and the Pogues at your funeral a tear finally breaks free and falls down his face as your casket lowers into the ground. 

- 

A/N: I love this request, but i decided to take a different route while writing this as I didn’t want it to be too similar to my other fic Daredevil. Nonetheless I hope you like it and thank you for sending in a request! Love you and thank you for supporting me

[hexalt]

CW for discussion of suicide

- She's the crazy ex-girlfriend - What? No, I'm not. - She's the crazy ex-girlfriend - That's a sexist term! - She's the crazy ex-girlfriend - Can you guys stop singing for just a second? - She's so broken insiiiiiide! - The situation's a lot more nuanced than that!

There’s the essay! You get it now. JK.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is the culmination of Rachel Bloom’s YouTube channel (and the song “Fuck Me, Ray Bradbury” in particular where she combined her lifelong obsession with musical theatre and sketch comedy and Aline Brosh McKenna stumbling onto Bloom’s channel one night while having an idea for a television show that subverted the tropes in scripts she’d been writing like The Devil Wears Prada and 27 Dresses.

The show begins with a flashback to teenage Rebecca Bunch (played by Bloom) at summer camp performing in South Pacific. She leaves summer camp gushing about the performance, holding hands with the guy she spent all summer with, Josh Chan. He says it was fun for the time, but it’s time to get back to real life. We flash forward to the present in New York, Rebecca’s world muted in greys and blues with clothing as conservative as her hair.

She’s become a top tier lawyer, a career that she doesn’t enjoy but was pushed into by her overprotective, controlling mother. She’s just found out she’s being promoted to junior partner, and that’s just objectively, on paper fantastic, right?! ...So why isn’t she happy? She goes out onto the streets in the midst of a panic attack, spilling her pills all over the ground, and suddenly sees an ad for butter asking, “When was the last time you were truly happy?” A literal arrow and beam of sunlight then point to none other than Josh Chan. She strikes up a conversation with him where he tells her he’s been trying to make it in New York but doesn’t like it, so he’s moving back to his hometown, West Covina, California, where everyone is just...happy.

The word echoes in her mind, and she absorbs it like a pill. She decides to break free of the hold others have had over her life and turns down the promotion of her mother’s dreams. I didn’t realize the show was a musical when I started it, and it’s at this point that Rebecca is breaking out into its first song, “West Covina”. It’s a parody of the extravagant, classic Broadway numbers filled with a children’s marching band whose funding gets cut, locals joining Rebecca in synchronized song and dance, and finishing with her being lifted into the sky while sitting on a giant pretzel. This was the moment I realized there was something special here.

With this introduction, the stage has been set for the premise of the show. Each season was planned with an overall theme. Season one is all about denial, season two is about being obsessed with love and losing yourself in it, season three is about the spiral and hitting rock bottom, and season four is about renewal and starting from scratch. You can see this from how the theme songs change every year, each being the musical thesis for that season.

We start the show with a bunch of cliché characters: the crazy ex-girlfriend; her quirky sidekick; the hot love interest; his bitchy girlfriend; and his sarcastic best friend who’s clearly a much better match for the heroine. The magic of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is that no one in West Covina is the sum of their tropes. As Rachel says herself, “People aren’t badly written, people are made of specificities.”

The show is revolutionary for the authenticity with which it explores various topics but for the sake of this piece, we’ll discuss mental health, gender, Jewish identity, and sexuality. All topics that Bloom has dug into in her previous works but none better than here.

Simply from the title, many may be put off, but this is a story that has always been about deconstructing stereotypes. Rather than being called The Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, where the story would be from an outsider’s perspective, this story is from that woman’s point of view because the point isn’t to demonize Rebecca, it’s to understand her. Even if you hate her for all the awful things she’s doing.

The musical numbers are shown to be in Rebecca’s imagination, and she tells us they’re how she processes the world, but as she starts healing in the final season, she isn’t the lead singer so often anymore and other characters get to have their own problems and starring roles. When she does have a song, it’s because she’s backsliding into her former patterns.

While a lot of media will have characters that seem to have some sort of vague disorder, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend goes a step further and actually diagnoses Rebecca with Borderline Personality Disorder, while giving her an earnest, soaring anthem. She’s excited and relieved to finally have words for what’s plagued her whole life.

When diagnosing Rebecca, the show’s team consulted with doctors and psychiatrists to give her a proper diagnosis that ended up resonating with many who share it. BPD is a demonized and misunderstood disorder, and I’ve heard that for many, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is the first honest and kind depiction they’ve seen of it in media. Where the taboo of mental illness often leads people to not get any help, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend says there is freedom and healing in identifying and sharing these parts of yourself with others.

Media often uses suicide for comedy or romanticizes it, but Crazy Ex-Girlfriend explored what’s going through someone’s mind to reach that bottomless pit. Its climactic episode is written by Jack Dolgen (Bloom’s long-time musical collaborator, co-songwriter and writer for the show) who’s dealt with suicidal ideation. Many misunderstood suicide as the person simply wanting to die for no reason, but Rebecca tells her best friend, “I didn’t even want to die. I just wanted the pain to stop. It’s like I was out of stories to tell myself that things would be okay.”

Bloom has never shied away from heavy topics. The show discusses in song the horrors of what women do to their bodies and self-esteem to conform to beauty standards, the contradiction of girl power songs that tell you to “Put Yourself First” but make sure you look good for men while doing it, and the importance of women bonding over how terrible straight men are are near and dear to her heart. This is a show that centers marginalized women, pokes fun at the misogyny they go through, and ultimately tells us the love story we thought was going to happen wasn’t between a woman and some guy but between her and her best friend.

I probably haven’t watched enough Jewish TV or film, but to me, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is the most unapologetic and relatable Jewish portrayal I’ve seen overall. From Rebecca’s relationship with her toxic, controlling mother (if anyone ever wants to know what my mother’s like, I send them “Where’s the Bathroom”) to Patti Lupone’s Rabbi Shari answering a Rebecca that doesn’t believe in God, “Always questioning! That is the true spirit of the Jewish people,” the Jewish voices behind the show are clear.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend continues to challenge our perceptions when a middle-aged man with an ex-wife and daughter realizes he’s bisexual and comes out in a Huey Lewis saxophone reverie. The hyper-feminine mean girl breaks up with her boyfriend and realizes the reason she was so obsessed with getting him to commit to her is the same reason she’s so scared to have female friends. She was suffering under the weight of compulsory heterosexuality, but thanks to Rebecca, she eventually finds love and friendship with women.

This thread is woven throughout the show. Many of the characters tell Rebecca when she’s at her lowest of how their lives would’ve never changed for the better if it wasn’t for her. She was a tornado that blew through West Covina, but instead of leaving destruction in her wake, she blew apart their façades, forcing true introspection into what made them happy too.

Rebecca’s story is that of a woman who felt hopeless, who felt no love or happiness in her life, when that’s all she’s ever wanted. She tried desperately to fill that void through validation from her parents and random men, things romantic comedies had taught her matter most but came up empty. She tried on a multitude of identities through the musical numbers in her mind, seeing herself as the hero and villain of the story, and eventually realized she’s neither because life doesn’t make narrative sense.

It takes her a long time but eventually she sees that all the things she thought would solve her problems can’t actually bring her happiness. What does is the real family she finds in West Covina, the town she moved to on a whim, and finally having agency over herself to use her own voice and tell her story through music.

The first words spoken by Rebecca are, “When I sang my solo, I felt, like, a really palpable connection with the audience.” Her last words are, “This is a song I wrote.” This connection with the audience that brought her such joy is something she finally gets when she gets to perform her story not to us, the TV audience, but to her loved ones in West Covina. Rebecca (and Rachel) always felt like an outcast, West Covina (and creating the show) showed her how cathartic it is to find others who understand you.

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend is the prologue to Rebecca’s life and the radical story of someone getting better. She didn’t need to change her entire being to find acceptance and happiness, she needed to embrace herself and accept love and help from others who truly cared for her. Community is what she always needed and community is what ultimately saved her.

*

P.S. If you have Spotify... I also process life through music, so I made some playlists related to the show because what better way to express my deep affection for it than through song?

CXG parodies, references, and is inspired by a lot of music from all kinds of genres, musicals, and musicians. Same goes for the videos themselves. I gathered all of them into one giant playlist along with the show’s songs.

A Rebecca Bunch mix that goes through her character arc from season 1 to 4.

I’m shamelessly a fan of Greg x Rebecca, so this is a mega mix of themselves and their relationship throughout the show.

*

I’m in a TV group where we wrote essays on our favorite shows of the 2010s, so here is mine on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, I realized I forgot to ever post it. Also wrote one for Schitt’s Creek.

[pastamic]

So I’ve seen quite a few posts complaining about the way Entrapta was treated by the Princesses, particularly with a lot of vitriol towards Mermista. I know a lot of us who are neurodivergent are really excited about Entrapta as a character because she’s autistic coded and a lot of us can really relate to her. I think a lot of us are also, and rightfully so, very defensive of the way these types of characters are treated because they get treated honestly so badly by show creators and other characters in their series more often than not, and that’s totally reasonable. If you’re uncomfortable with the way she was treated in regards to what I’m about to talk about I’m in no way saying you can’t still be uncomfortable about this because this is just my opinion and the way I saw it as one touch-averse ND person. To preface this I have not received an autism diagnoses, but I have an ADHD diagnoses and have started to suspect that I might be autistic as well (though it’s hard to tell with the overlapping symptoms.) My fiance is autistic and also has ADHD and has agreed with me on several of these points. 

SO 

[id: Screenshot of Mermista pulling Entrapta’s hair while they approach Horde Prime’s spire in season 5. Caption reads “I’m sorry I’m bad at listening!” end id]

This scene, which a lot of people had an issue with. I had an issue with it at first too bc like pulling peoples hair is generally like not okay! Though the situation was very stressful and dire and Mermista was under a lot of stress. I think this episode was actually particularly important because it showed Entrapta’s issues with feelings and people (like not realizing they were all upset with her) and the stress and residual resentment from fighting on opposite sides and the issues that the other princesses had with understanding Entrapta with a resolution that got talked through. Something that in my personal experience is really important for everyone, but especially ND people and people with mental illnesses. Miscommunications and misunderstandings happen and they all talked it through and I thought it was very sweet. 

But, the hair pulling (and the weird leash thing that Perfuma made with vines but that’s a whole post on it’s own and I’m not gonna get into it) 

Now like I said I thought it was kinda shitty at first, but thanks to quarantine and depression I’ve re-watched spop probably fifteen times now and I’ve noticed a bit of a pattern. 

Most of us have already noticed that Entrapta uses her hair as hands for stuff 

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta leaning over in Hordak’s lab and shaping one of her pigtails into a hand. Caption reads “Failure is a vital part of scientific endeavor.” end id]

Like literal hands

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta standing in Darla’s doorway holding her tools with her hair and making a suggestive face. end id] 

It’s her superpower, and while the other princesses do use their powers as a bit of an extension of themselves, for Entrapta her hair is straight up another body part/limb for her. Tbh if I had hair like that I would use it for literally everything and never touch shit with my hands. 

I think I’ve seen people point this out to an extent before but I noticed that Entrapta never really reaches out to touch anybody with her actual hands with the exception of Hordak.

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta smiling  in the Fright Zone squishing Catra’s cheeks with her hair. Caption reads “Hi, Catra. I saved your life. You’re welcome.” end id]

When she convinces Hordak to send Catra to the Crimson Waste instead of to Beast Island she like grabs her cheeks with her hair, and again in season 5 she pats Catra on the head when she tells her she forgives her. 

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta and Hordak in Hordak’s lab. Entrapta is using her hair to hold out Hordak’s arms in a T-pose. Caption reads “And you’re really way too obsessed with this whole failure thing.” end id] 

And when she’s talking about Hordak’s disability and brainstorming about his suit. I actually chose both of the above screenshots because I thought at first that she only used her hair in place of her hands because her hands always had her tablet in them but both of her hands are free in these scenes, though one could argue that she needs to use her hair to reach Hordak’s hands, she could lift herself up with her hair if she really wanted to reach out with her hands. 

Actually there’s a point in Season 3, episode 4 where she straight up just scratches her hair with the Shera sword so I’m not even sure she has feeling in her hair??? 

[id: Screenshot of Entrapta in Hordak’s lab scratching her head with the Shera sword. Caption reads “I’m not sure if we just need the sword or if we need She-Ra, too.” end id] 

She’s scratching her head with a big fuck off sword so I think that we can infer two things from that: that she can’t really feel much through her hair, and that her hair is like durable as fuck. Considering she lifts herself up by her hair a ton I’d imagine it’s not attached to her scalp in quite the same sensitive way that like non-magic hair would be. 

So I think it makes sense, and might be a respect of her boundaries, to reach for her hair over her hand if they need to keep her from going somewhere. You could argue that grabbing someone in general is a disrespect of boundaries, and in a lot of cases it can be, but in the case of a battle or dangerous mission grabbing someone isn’t really out of the ordinary. We see it with the Best Friends Squad a lot, but also with Scorpia and like literally everyone she’s around. 

When Hordak saves Entrapta from the portal exploding we do see him grab her by the hand, but it’s continuously established that Entrapta exhibits way more intimacy with him than with pretty much anyone else. She allows touch from others and doesn’t seem bothered by it, but Hordak is the person she most consistently reaches out to in regards to touch. 

[id: Screenshot of Bow kissing Entrapta’s pigtail like it’s her hand. end id] 

When Bow first officially meets Entrapta he kisses her pigtail like it’s her hand, which by the way is just super adorable I love fanboy Bow, but it’s not just Bow. Catra and Scorpia also mainly interact with Entrapta through her hair.

Whenever someone needs to interact with Entrapta in a tactile way, it’s pretty much always through her hair. When Entrapta needs to interact with others in a tactile way, it’s pretty much always through her hair. Entrapta’s hair is like another set (sets?? She can split her hair up a lot) of hands. So I don’t think it’s as rough of a treatment as people are making it out to be. It’s not like pulling a non-magic person’s hair. Entrapta’s hair is magic and she uses it in place of her hands near constantly. It’s not like pulling someone else’s hair because Entrapta’s hair is her power, it’s an extension of herself in a way that other’s hair is not. 

It’s okay to feel uncomfortable with Mermista (or others) pulling Entrapta’s hair if that makes you uncomfortable, especially if you’re neurodivergent as many of us have experiences of people completely disregarding our bodily autonomy and infantilizing us in a way that’s frustrating and harmful, but (and I’m not gonna name names bc this isn’t meant to be a discourse post and I’ve seen it a lot) demonizing Mermista for pulling her hair in a high stress situation when she’s struggling with leadership already and Entrapta is seemingly ignoring her orders to do whatever for the sake of science. Though we find out that’s not the case, Mermista doesn’t know that at first and was intending to keep Entrapta from putting herself or the rest of the team in danger which is a foundation of leadership responsibility. 

Should she have tried to be more understanding of Entrapta and actually try to communicate frankly that she was mad instead of assuming that Entrapta would realize it on her own? Absolutely, especially as a leader. But she’s new to leadership and that’s like half of what that episode was about, and people make mistakes, especially with communication. That’s something that I think spop as a show handles really well. People make mistakes, people do things they regret, and people struggle with things like communicating and boundaries even when they have the best of intentions. What matters is that it’s talked out, apologized for, resolved, etc. I’m ND myself, and I’m friends with a lot of neurodivergent people and miscommunications happen A LOT even with like the base knowledge that we need to speak bluntly, clearly, and honestly in order to be understood. Sometimes even when you’re blunt and honest and open things still get miscommunicated. I definitely think the princesses infantilize Entrapta far too much, but I don’t think the hair pulling is as much of an issue as I’ve seen people make it out to be and I definitely don’t think Mermista is some Vile Bitch (tm) for doing what she did. 

(Also I took all these screenshots myself please appreciate that I spent like two hours combing through spop episodes to find them djsfjklds) 

[unsaidmar]

WC: 2.5k (long winded girl, I know)

Plot: They share stuff and it changes how they see things. Connection ensues. 

CW: Mentions of death, illness, hospitals I guess, violence.

a/n: Hello y’all. This is part two of whatever the fuck is going on inside my pea brain. Hope you enjoy.

Part one, the meeting. 

Two; It’s better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

She laughed at the awkwardness of the text and the perfect grammar Dr. Spencer Reid maintained while texting. Ollie made a mental note to care a little more about the phrasing of her own texts, especially considering the circumstances. To say she wanted to impress him was an understatement.

“Good, germs are yucky.” Sent at 7:45 am.

“Also, hi. Good morning” Sent at 7:45 am.

Good morning? Too much too soon? She fell victim to her overthinking for at least twenty minutes after sending her last text, realizing she had to slowly build up the courage to ask about the next time they would be seeing each other, which apparently would have to wait, since Spencer had an inconvenient schedule and could be out of the state in a matter of 20 minutes.  Ollie exhaled and stood up from her awful office chair to go and make herself some coffee, hoping to stop her mind from reeling and sending her into her usual never-ending pit of despair and anxiety that came with stepping out of her comfort zone.

A ping echoed in the room and her screen lit up, displaying a text from the one person she had been thinking about. Ollies mother would be crying laughing if she saw the state she was in, positively losing hair over the fact that a cute, smart, witty man was texting her back. A man she had spoken to for the first time not even 24 hours prior.

“I’m a nice person, I’m funny sometimes, I offered him coffee.” She whispered to herself, rationalizing every aspect of their interaction. “That’s how friendships start” She laughed bitterly. “I’m here… freaking… wishful thinking, and maybe he has a significant other… maybe he doesn’t even like women… maybe he just thought I was nice and he thought ‘yay, a new friend’… fuck” she plopped herself back on the chair and threw her head back.

Lia would have known what the right thing to do is, she would come up with a cool thing to text back on the spot, and she resented her absence like she had a million times before. Ollie had gotten used to writing her letters like her best friend was living somewhere else in the world and she would eventually read her friend’s attempt at keeping her updated, which she knew was not healthy and definitely not helping her move on.

The thing is, Lia’s death was not a surprise at all. It was a possibility to the point of actually being expected. She had been diagnosed as a terminal patient for a little over a year before she passed and almost everyone around her had made peace with the fact that she could go any day and that life would have to go on without her, but no amount of grief counseling and encouraging talks with Lia’s family could have prepared her for the unimaginable pain Ollie felt when it happened. She had heard about experiences that made the world turn upside down and how some life events made you go numb and make your legs give weight, but had never come face to face with a happenstance that painful.

She figured she was going to have to carry the burden of her loss till the day she died, and even then, the words “I missed you, till the very end.” would be carved in her grave.

Coming back from her spiral, she remembered how she fell down the rabbit hole in the first place. She took her phone with the intention of texting Spencer back and smiled at how stupid she had been to worry about seeing him again.

“Hey, arrest made successfully. Are you busy right now?” Sent at 7:57 am.

Sighing with relief, Ollie smiled and tried to sound casual with her reply as to not sound like seeing him again was the only thing she had been thinking about.

“I’m the boss, I can un-busy myself. Why? Were you charmed by my Keurig?” Sent at 8:00 am.

Spencer was not the kind to send sassy texts, or any text for that matter. This was completely new to him and he was determined to get it right, so he channeled the Derek Morgan that lived within him and prayed to whatever deity was looking out for him to make him sound cooler than he was feeling.

“I’m a sucker for coffee so, yes.” Sent at 8:05

 “I’m a sucker for you, apparently” Ollie nearly screamed at how quickly that came out of her mouth. “Fucking loser, dear God” She shook her head, scolding herself and whatever hamster was in charge of her brain and thought process.

“Mi oficina es tu oficina, then. I’ll be waiting.” Sent at 8:07

Twenty minutes later, he was there, coffee cup in his hands. After what felt like no time at all, they were four coffee cups deep into their conversation and had learned a lot more about each other. Turns out Spencer had a day off after they landed from an away case, he had a thing with germs, his favorite color was purple and his co-workers were more his family than just the people he happened to work with. He liked a bunch of sugar with his coffee and had an eidetic memory that was as much of a blessing as it was a curse.

He was impressed at how this girl was not what you would expect her to be, every aspect of her seemed to make no sense and at the same time, it made perfect sense. This purple haired girl had ADHD and a PhD in history, she was the oldest daughter of two of the most stubborn Mexican immigrants and had a sister that made even the most patient of humans go mad. She loved music, and was not ashamed to admit that her taste in music was far from sophisticated. “I am Taylor Swift’s bitch; I know the words to every single one of her songs! Same goes for One Direction too” She argued when Spencer said that it couldn’t be that bad.

A blaring ring halted their conversation to an unexpected stop. Ollie picked up the office phone with an annoyed grimace and exchanged a few words with whoever was calling.

“Hold that thought, I have to go sign a thingy at the front desk” She dashed out of her office and left Spencer there.

For the first time, he felt compelled to look around and fixate on the details. There were a few old looking pictures and some newer ones with people who looked a lot like her. There was one picture that caught his attention, isolated from the rest like it deserved a spot of its own. In it, there was a red-haired girl that looked around Ollie’s age, one of her arms around her waist and the other one cradling her head that was laying on her shoulder. Ollie’s eyes were closed and the red head looked like she was caught mid-sentence. Stuck to the frame was a little post it note that read “I love you, head ass. -Lia” It looked intimate, they were clearly comfortable with that kind of physical affection, and if Lia hadn’t called Ollie a head ass in the post it, he would have assumed they were together romantically.

Ollie came back in a hurry, apologizing for having to run out like that and sitting back down to resume their conversation.

“It’s okay, don’t worry” Spencer assured her. “I was looking at your pictures, I hope you don’t mind” He said, suddenly very aware of how invasive that could be.

“Not at all, those are there to be looked at” She shrugged, bracing herself for the question she knew was coming. Somehow, talking about Lia with him did not feel as dreadful as it had all those times she was asked about it before, perhaps it’s just him and his calming presence.

Sure enough, he pointed at the picture Lia had framed for valentine’s day and asked, “Who’s that?”.

“That’s Lia, she was my best friend. She is my best friend.” She smiled fondly, something that had never happened before when talking about this specific topic. Maybe sharing Lia’s memory with someone who didn’t know her was different. “She passed away almost a year and a half ago. 468 days ago, to be exact. She was really sick, it was inevitable” Ollie let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding, reaching for the post it and tracing the words over with her finger.

“I’m so sorry, I can’t imagine how hard that must have been”

“It was… heartbreaking. Even with all that time we had to process the news, it still took me off guard.” She shook her head trying to ground herself. “Anyways, that’s a sad topic. I don’t want to bum you out with it.”

He knew the feeling all too well, he had apologized to several people when he rambled about Maeve, feeling like he had said too much and gotten too personal. He was not about to let this beautiful, vibrant soul feel the way he had for so long. Like he still did, truly.

“Don’t apologize, I get it. You’re not making me sad” He felt like he needed to elaborate to actually convey the message. “I went through the same thing with someone I loved too” he said, looking down at his hands, the very familiar feeling of oversharing creeping in. As he looked up, he noticed the sad look Ollie was giving him, but if the profiler in him was right, she was inviting him to share, not to stop.

“Her name was Maeve. She… she was a geneticist. She helped me through a rough time and she became my friend. It’s a long story…” he looked away.

“I want to hear it, long or not. But only if you want me to.” She gave him the warmest smile she could muster, which convinced him to keep going.

“Um, I started getting some headaches a while ago. I went to a few doctors but none of them gave me an answer. I reached out to Maeve for help and… We bonded, I guess.” He took a shaky breath.

“You don’t have to continue if you feel uncomfortable” she whispered in the most delicate tone.

“No, it’s not that. It’s just… I’ve never told this story before. Everyone in my life that I care about was there to see it.” He said, meeting her eyes so she could see how honest he was being. The man got a hold of himself for a minute, and continued.

“Maeve had to go into hiding. She was being stalked by some woman she met at work. Beyond talking on the phone, we hadn’t even met. I had no idea what she looked like and vice versa. This girl, the stalker… She wrote a paper, and Maeve dismissed it because it didn’t have a good enough foundation. When she started stalking her, she scared her into hiding and eventually started dating her ex-fiancé to try and get closer to Maeve, assuming he knew where she was. They ended up finding her and confronting her. She shot herself and the first person I ever loved. Right in front of me and my friends. The first five minutes I got with Maeve face to face, were the last.”

Baring his soul to a person he had known for a whooping 18 hours was the weirdest thing Spencer had ever done, so unlike himself it was almost funny. But at the same time, he felt like it had to happen. By no means did he believe in fate or destiny, but this one moment made him feel like maybe whoever does believe in that stuff, is not completely wrong.

She was not a therapist. She listened because she was going through a similar thing herself and her interest in Spencer’s loss was not rooted in psychoanalyzing him and helping him cope. She was just a mundane human that did not look at him with condescension and pity, she looked at him like she, too, had found a person who wouldn’t ask her “And, how does that make you feel?” in a monotonous voice. They both knew better than to assume they had all the answers.

“Spencer, that’s horrible. I am so sorry you had to see that. Jesus, fuck. I- “She thought about her next words very carefully. “That’s enough to crush anyone’s spirit” She looked at him like he was turning green. The reason being, he did not look like he was crushed. He had a beautiful smile that shook Ollie to her core, he was easygoing and conversation with him was carefree and it flowed easily. If he had not told her about Maeve, she would not have guessed the man sitting right in front of her was as affected as her.

“How did you manage to get through that?” Ollie questioned, fully intending to take notes.

“I don’t really think I have yet…” Well, time to come clean. Spencer thought. “The whole reason I was here yesterday, and a lot more times before that one, is because she and I talked about this museum. She told me about some conferences she had attended here and we made plans to visit together. Doesn’t quite sound like someone who’s over the whole thing.” He fiddled with his fingers, suddenly too aware of how cold it was. “How did you get through Lia’s death?”

“Yeah, well. I don’t really think I’m quite there either. Not like I’m trying, anyways. I can’t seem to get away from the Grey Roots either” Mental images of two little kids running around with dusty books in their hands came to her and she couldn’t help the small smile she broke into.

“I’m a hopeless romantic at heart, I have always thought that the way Lia and I found each other was pure magic. We met when we were in the second grade, right in this museum, we were on a field trip and we clicked. It was crazy to me that I actually met my best friend at such a young age, and the kind that lasts forever too. It sounds like when people meet the love of their lives on their first try. It sounds dorky, I know”

“It doesn’t. If anything, it sounds like you consider yourself lucky to have loved her like you did. We need more people like that, people that believe in magic.” Spencer reassured her with a shrug. He wished he could believe in cute stuff like that, but he was happy Ollie led a life that made her believe.

“Yeah, but us crazy people, we get our hopes up too easily. Sometimes it hurts.”

“Tell me about it.”

And just like that, in the not so well-lit office of the head Conservator of the Grey Roots Museum and Archive, something in the world had shifted.

[crushing-on-nico-di-angelo]

Would I get along with these characters in real life

I’ve seen at least 8 people do this now so ( @best-ofpjo​ started this I believe) I wanted to join in! I’m treating it as though we all go to the same school because I have exactly 2 friends outside of school, and both of them are online. I’m also going off just personality and not their already existing friendships

Percy: Honestly? Percy is the kind of guy I would admire from afar but also hate because he doesn’t have the best reputation ever. I would be so scared of him. However, my girlfriend and I would definitely talk about how he’s handsome/hot. He would probably beat someone up and that would make me avoid him forever until he asks me what I got on the math quiz, to which I respond a lower score than I actually got because I know he doesn’t do well (the teachers constantly call him out on it).

Annabeth: Yes and no. Annabeth reminds me of a girl that currently goes to my school, and she’s smart and strong and my main competition in school. I like her for her brain and I admire her so much, but I wouldn’t like her because she’s competition and I know that one day we’ll be competing for valedictorian. We would both be in NHS and track and field (and she would be better than me in track) but she would somehow also be in StuCo and Debate and a million other things. All in all we’d be friendly and share homework answers, but I’d resent her for doing more than me. 

Grover: He would be friends with someone who my friends is friends with. We would sit at lunch together but not really talk, however I would comment on all of his instagram posts and send him memes every now and then. He would definitely have a 70s aesthetic so we’d share fashion tips even though I’m punk on account of us both having alternative senses of style. He would be super cool tbh.

Jason: Definitely yes. He and I would be great friends and while we wouldn’t exactly be best-best friends he would be invited to my birthday parties no matter how small the guest list is. Jason would be at about my level of motivation for academics and would understand when I get sad randomly or break down. He wouldn’t completely understand and sometimes try to guilt me into doing things for my mental health, but he means everything he does with love. All things said, I’d love him so much and would value our friendship

Piper: Honestly probably not. She would be in like every single sport (she just has that personality) which is fine but she’d get along with all the popular jocks and we just wouldn’t vibe together. I consider myself a friendly person, so it isn’t like I would be mean to her or anything like that, and we would talk when we had track practice together, but we wouldn’t be friends really

Leo: Yes definitely. He is just my friend type and he would be in my friendgroup for sure. He would smoke weed though, starting in like 7th grade, which is fine but would be a shock to my current friendgroup. He would be funny and we would bond over sad and happy shit, as well as memes and tik toks. 

Frank: Sweetest mf in the whole school, but I wouldn’t be too close to him. One summer of highschool he’d leave looking bigger but come back all buff and I would see his tik toks suddenly get like 46k likes on average. (Also, unrelated, imagine frank doing the rasputin challenge? wow) He and I would be cool though.

Hazel: Nah, she isn’t my vibe. Huge horse girl and she would always have jewelry that I would think she’s a rich girl, even if she isn’t. She would be very very sweet though and we would be friendly, just not friends.

Nico: We would be exes. Like seriously, the two people I’ve been with in my life have been Nico di Angelo. But we would be friendly and tbh he would have probably been my first love, so he’ll always be a big part of my heart. Art kid, automatically meaning I’d get along with him. Same taste in music probably. He would be a depressed kid so he and I would get along well (I’m not depressed but for some reason the people who know me best/I know best have diagnosed depression). (Also if you think I’m bringing up trauma/mental illness too much, I’m not. All of my friends and I have them because it makes it easier to get along with people who understand you.) Anyway he’d be my love that I couldn’t love forever and we’d be very very close friends to this day

[ajokeformur-ray]

Arthur will love you. But what he won’t do is coddle you when you’re tired and need some TLC. That’s on his terms. His character is etched with severe mental illness and a repugnance towards a lot of people. Perhaps not towards you, but for the majority. My two cents is that he shows his appreciation in indirect ways. He’ll actually try to make you laugh and behave like a gentleman. Other times, though, he’s a handful little shit that likes to be chased lol

Hi, darling!💖

I’ll be honest, I very nearly didn’t respond to this because some of it is so different to how I view Arthur. However, I consider myself to be someone who is open minded, and I strive to have a blog which enables everyone to have a voice, whether or not I agree with them, so for this reasoning I went ahead. I’m a bit nervous about responding (this is a reflection of me and not you, nonnie!) so I apologise if my tone comes across as anything less than my standard.

I strongly agree with the first sentence, for one thing. I don’t say this as a self-shipper or as someone who loves Arthur, I say this because in his journal he has things written such as “where’s my one and only who understands me” and “I want someone in my space but not all alone” (heavily paraphrased, I can’t remember the exact quotes), which suggests to me that he does yearn to love and to be loved for who he truly is. With this in mind, I do think sometimes he would take extra care with his partner. I don’t think he’d coddle them, necessarily, because I wouldn’t appreciate being coddled if I was tired (I’m grumpy when I’m tired; just cuddle me or leave me alone) so I imagine others wouldn’t appreciate that either, but it can take a great deal of patience to look after an elderly person. Arthur clearly has patience with Penny (though he does show irritation and microaggressions, like when he shushed her when Thomas Wayne’s was on the television), so it stands to reason that he’d have more tenderness and more patience with a romantic partner.

There’s no denying that Arthur is severely mentally ill, though there’s no confirmation in canon (as far as I’m aware) as to what he was diagnosed with, but I can’t think of a moment in canon where he shows repugnance towards someone else. When I say this, I’m not including his segment on the Murray Show at the end of the film, or the scene at the end in Arkham, I’m purely talking about Arthur before he transitions into Joker (he is the same man but I hope that you know what I mean). When he’s taking care of Penny, he’s tender and so gentle I could cry. He caresses her cheeks, makes sure she eats, and while he does put medications in her food which lead to her having a stroke due to withdrawal symptoms, I also believe that he had good intentions. He takes care of her even when he is exhausted, and that, at least for me, speaks volumes as to his character.

I do agree that there will be times, and some of them to be more often than not, where Arthur would be less than what you need him to be. He has so much on his plate; his full time job (fifty-nine hours a week, which is almost twenty hours over what’s legal, at least in the UK), his therapy, his journal, his active pursuing of his career as a stand up comedian, his mental illnesses... Arthur is exhausted and he does his best, I believe. There would definitely be times in which Arthur is less than ideal as a partner, but then there would be times where his partner is less than what Arthur needs; the give and take equation of a relationship is different every day and one person has to give or take more on any given day. This is good and normal so long as the reverse is equally true. Arthur definitely has his moments of being cold or angry, but overall I think that he would do his best in the moment (sometimes it’s more, sometimes it’s less) to show that he cares.

I also agree that he would show his appreciation for his partner in indirect ways. Due to his social isolation, Arthur lacks the social cues which most others take for granted, and there are very definitely problematic behaviours which he displays in canon, such as stalking, but I believe that this stems from that social isolation - no one bothered to teach him how one should interact with others in certain situations. All he has to go on are the old films he watches in the evenings and observations he makes. Arthur is emotionally intelligent and he shows awareness that he’s being creepy, but he can’t help himself. I’m not saying this to excuse or condone his actions, but I’m trying to offer some evidence within the canonical context. If his partner was patient and persistent, one could arguably... not change Arthur, but at the very least offer Arthur more of an awareness of how to act and of how to be around other people. Love cannot ‘cure’ or ‘fix’ people, but in my opinion Arthur doesn’t need those things; I love him just as he is. Love would aid him and help him, I think, and he would show his appreciation in ways which, if you’re not looking for them, you would miss them. For example, I have night lights because I’m afraid of the dark, and Arthur could show his appreciation for me by changing the batteries in my night lights without saying anything. Again, I say this not as a self-shipper or as someone who loves Arthur, but this was the nearest example I thought of.

All in all, I think that any partner Arthur had would have to be someone who knows him and knows how to help him; someone who understands him to his very core, and once Arthur found someone who loved him, it would take a long time for him to accept it due to his issues with reality perception. When I say this, I’m thinking of how he showed awareness (in my opinion) that his moments with Sophie (prior to breaking into her apartment at a last ditch attempt for hope and help) were only daydreams (or delusions or hallucinations; this is up for debate, too!). When at last would Arthur actually accept it, he would cling to his partner to almost unhealthy levels, hardly daring to let them go in case he wakes up to hold the cold and empty air. He would definitely be a gentleman and he would love to make his partner laugh; I can see him practising his comedy in front of his partner. Over the weeks and months, his comedy would be tailored to his partner, so needy and desperate for validation is he (here, he displays narcissistic tendencies due to a lack of validation and love in his life. I don’t believe that Arthur is a narcissist; it’s learned behaviours from being raised by a narcissistic parent (credit for this statement comes from @fleckcmscott, who unknowingly taught me a lot about this recently), and he would love to make them laugh.

I just want to make it clear here that I am not, in any way, trying to tell you or anyone else how or what to think. I saw this as a chance for a discussion, which is also why I have responded in this way. I adore reading different people’s interpretations and other people’s metas and analyses and I hope that this opens up that gate! Arthur Fleck is such a complex man and his whole point is that he cannot be labelled; he’s so, so hard to accurately characterise because one minute he’ll say one thing but then say another, and I truly adore how everyone has a different view of Arthur!💚 I mean this answer in no way to be rude and my hand’s are kind of shaking right now and my forehead is hot on the inside because I’m worried that I’ll offend or upset someone (the worst thing to come out of this, I would never intentionally do that), and I just hope that my intentions of opening a discussion properly come across. 

Thank you so much for sending in your opinion, nonnie, this was an interesting response to put together! I hope that you’re safe and well.

[noras-wafflehouse]

Theres a little headcanon of mine and it could trigger some people out there so i will Tag it . And also put a fat TRIGGER WARNING MAYBE right here . Also it's including SPOILERS FOR THE CHAPTER 290 OF MHA .

I had this thought for a while now . A little storry about myself in forward as i can Talk about it atm . I got Bpd diagnosed just about a year Ago and now my therapist getting to undo all the layers it brings with it . Bipolar just .. (the hardest mood swings ever . You just .. if you dont experience it .. you will not know how this feels . And even if you have it you cant tell if its a good Phase a manic Phase ore if you're just... you just dont realy know like .. i dont realy know . Probably there are a lot of people Who know ! . And tha'ts great !keep it up !) , eating dissorders , being suicidal, self harm , paranoid episodes , dissociation , psychotic episodes , etc ...

I just realy feel like Dabi / Touya got BPD . I know there are a lot of mental illnesses that are similair to bpd and it of course needs to be diagnosed ( so it's actually nothing else . So it's realy bpd . Ore realy something else so i wont say if you have Symptomes of bpd you have it . It can be something else . I hope i dont offend anyone if i do, call me out as im a confused mess . )

But that probably will not happen in bnha . And it's just a headcanon . I realy can imagining him haveing this mental illness as of a result of his Traumata as a child . The abuse , and just ... my god . He probably got Big PTSD as well .

So .. why do i Think he might have bpd ? He got that ... Impulsive behaviour . When something fucks him up . Ore excites him as we see.. he is going all over the place Being verry dramatic, and verry self harming .

He feels empty . ( he certanly is'nt dont hate me ) Like when i look at him , i See a man whos either holding his emotions back so well . Ore he just 'dances' between , OVERWHELMING and Feeling EMPTY .

I Think he got paranoid episodes , and also psychotic episodes . (But that also can just be me projecting ) i can't tell when im in a episode so i can't tell you the effects actually , as i dont wanna read into it couse my hyper functioning brain will make Symptome up . And i would not like that to happen . So it would be cool if you just Google it :3 read a little about it if you're interesting . (But hes deffently paranoid )

He is suicidal . And he dosnt give a shit about his life . ( you can shittalk me for that its fine . )

I also feel like hes takeing a lot of meds ( substance abuse ) because of his scarrs . They must hurt like hell more .. we never See hin takeing any drugs ore that couse its a CHILDREN MANGA ( i feel like its not though .. like i wouldnt let this watch my 6 year old child . Ore 12 year old . For Sure not) but how would he cope with the pain ? Okay .. so i cant say anymore as my head goes blank .

Dont understand me wrong , i love dabi . I love MHA . (I just dont Think it's for children ) i didnt mean to offend anyone with this , you can send me youre complains. this is fine .

I read from a lot of people that write stuff like that getting a lot of death threats ore hate speeches . Blast me full with it but you cant do that to everyone here , like you dont know when someone is realy takeing that to heart . And some people are haveing just THE BLOG . So they of course dont want to delete it, but as im just a shitpost Blog i can so .. have fun !

And everyone have a nice day/ night !