#imagine not putting your entire being into your art. couldnt be me

[holy-reference-in-a-username]

A Discussion

Content Warning: discussion of sex

this will probably see a followup on my nsfw blog... hope yall like hurt/comfort!!!

[the1975attheirverybest]

oooooh fav lyrics??? fuck thats hard. i will not explain why because i want to seem somewhat cool still and not like a total fucking nerd (despite having incredibly in depth reasonings)

The 1975 - ok this is Album has some interesting lyrics because its before he had it all figured out and i fucking love it for that, theres so many fucking contenders for fav lyrics (including all of anobrain, antichrist or The city) the entire abum is just so mmmmm. but if i had to pick an absolute fav id say

"I put your mother through hell, don't you mind I hate your brother as well, don't you mind, don't you mind Oh I was thinking bout killing myself, don't you mind I love you, don't you mind, don't you mind"

and i know i know its a verse but it isnt complete otherwise. Plus i have it tattooed on me so i feel like i had to.

I Like it when you sleep for you are so beautiful yet so unaware of it - once again mmm chefs kiss of an album no skips (theyve never made a bad album) and lyricaly very beautiful, i could absolutely nerd out about all of their catalogue tbh. but for this i am excluding Nana and She lays down because theyre...just perfect, and also i sob.

so it would have to be

"And if I believe you Will that make it stop? If I told you I need you Is that what you want?"

or

"Before you go (please don't go), turn the big light off"

its really easy and tempting to put ballad on here but i think thats because his performance style for it is so visceral and while lyrically its beautiful still i cant imagine myself enjoying them if they were sung by someone else because they need the guts behind it ya know.

A brief enquiry into online relationships - delicious as always matthew thank you this day for our daily bread.

so its either

"I can show you the photographs of you getting on with life I've had dreams where there's blood on you" thank you for referencing the bible matthew very cool.

or

"You build it to a high to say goodbye Because you're not the same as them" because it is like a fucking gut punch

notes on a conditional form - seasoned to perfection. difficult because Guys is on this album and its so sweet but i dont think its my fav lyrically, for no particular reason. same for roadkill although "i pissed myself on a texan intersection" always has a place in my heart.

"I'm in love, but I'm feeling low For I am just a footprint in the snow" did you need to fucking wreck me or is that just for funsies huh?

or

"Don't wanna bore you with my frail state of mind "Oh, winner, winner, that's your biggest lie I'm sure that you're fine" I haven't told a lie in quite some time (Quite some time) "You know we'll leave if you keep lying Don't lie behind your (Frail state of mind)"

Being funny in a foreign language - i take 0 slander for this album because its just as brilliant as the others. so first all of part of the band is fucking art and so im excluding it because it should be all of our favs.

"I've been suicidal, you've been gone for weeks If I'm undecided, will you decide for me?W

and

"'Cause, baby, I'll do anything that you wanna I'll try anything that you wanna I'll find myself in the moonlight 'Cause, baby, I want everything that you wanna And I've tried to just be me, like, a thousand times But you're on my mind"

sorry its so long and i couldnt pick just 1 (not a libra but still indecisive) in order to remain seeming somewhat cool and not a total nerd ive refrained from explaining each choice but yeah.

Welllllll……did you HAVE to bring up “Me” AND “Frail State of Mind”?!? Are you trying to make me cry? Cuz it’s almost working.

It’s weird I’ve always kinda thought of Oh Caroline as some of his simpler writing. Not in a bad way. Like “Me” is simple as well. Simplicity has its time and its place and can be wonderful. And it IS wonderful in Oh Caroline. But I’m a layers girlie, so maybe I haven’t been giving this one much attention *runs to listen to it*

[midnightmisadventures]

The good news and bad news about love

Alright kid you want me to talk to you?

I used to love feeling your emotions. I used to love sitting next to you and reading you like a book and getting anxiety whenever you felt like you said the wrong thing. Whenever i made a connection to a childhood story you mentioned, to a teeny tiny behavior I noticed. I loved it. I had never felt closer to anyone in my life. I had never felt more compatible and related to anyone and I adored you, so exploring your psyche felt like the best part of the job.

  It made me so happy to know you and to have the ability to try and change your thoughts about yourself and about life in general. Felt so privleged. I learned something new everyday, and you were like a shiny new puzzle that never ran out of pieces and i could put them together for hours because I knew you were never NOT gonna be apart of my story.

  You....are essentially my favorite character from any book, movie or show. Because I created you and met you in my dreams. "Babe" this everlasting figment of my imagination was my dream man. "Babe" was my prophecy. He was everything i've ever been told i've ever wanted and was also told to find him.

You were an art piece and thats why it was so easy to adore and admire you. Appreciate your colors and all your fires as opposed to critiquing them. Instead of seeing you as a wounded person I saw you as a magnificent statue.

  My favorite character, art piece, statue so I just wanted to be close to you. There were several points in time where i would have just been okay with having you near me. I wouldve kept accepting your flaws even though they made you a person that hurt me, over and over again. I didn't care, I just wanted to admire you. I wouldve given anything to keep you safe, polished, and in my museum until the end of time.

  I would have kept giving to you if you let me. Without anything in return. I was in love. I thought that's what love was.... Giving and giving and giving and never getting anything back. Although I did love you. Experiencing unrequited love....isnt the same as being in love.

  And if you asked me a year ago I wouldve sworn to you that it was the same thing.

  I'm sorry I made you so uncomfortable treating you like a story book character that you had to break the version of you that i saw you as, just to make me realize you were human.

  Theres no way being oggled at as prince charming feels the same as being seen. Seen as a human, with flaws, capable of mistakes. Especially when you didn't see yourself in that way?

  I'm so sorry I put that pressure on you. That it made you feel like I only accepted you at the highest standard. If I made you feel like you had to upkeep that. And that if everytime I gave you encouraging advice to see your own power, you interpreted it as not being good enough and me judging you for the type of person you were just being you.

  I truly did want what was best for you. But I'm so sorry I couldnt see it from your perspective and insisted on being so overbearing. It was so invasive and it really does haunt me the most about everything that happened with us.

I feel greatly responsible for those last texts you sent me. It feels like you felt like you had to break this image I had of you. And to do that you had to be incredibly harsh because I kept it so fucking sturdy.

  But youre not a statue, or my very own storybook character, youre a real person. And I think i just had a hard time coming to terms with fumbling a guy I had literally met in my dreams and have been prophetically told is my perfect match.

It was embarrassing. I felt such immense pressure to make a relationship work with you because I felt it was my responsibility. I was given the handbook, "I had all this prerequisite information that you didn't!" So i thought i "lose" if I don't accomplish this.

  I based my entire relationship with spirituality on if i could get you to admit me you loved me or not? That put so much pressure on you....and me. And that was awful. I wish I just enjoyed loving you without needing to hit a goal.

I wish I was just focusing on being honest, and genuine and not molding myself in those moments. But of course.....it was still the most fun ive ever had.

Unrequited love. And to me at the time? It was simply the best thing that ever happened to me lmao. I didnt need more. I was content with being your doormat as long as it meant I got to play footsies with you when we were high. Or ask would you rathers in the car running errands. Or watch movies, make dinners and spend sunsets with you.

  But god was that my issue. I needed to learn to want more for myself. All that time i thought i was teaching you to want more for your self. I desperately needed to learn to stop accepting the bare minium in romantic relationships.....and platonic ones and familial ones.....

Being in love isnt giving and giving and giving with nothing in return.

Being in love is......something i'll hopefully experience when someone deserves and emits the love I show for them back.

(and if you ever want that to be you lmk)

[chlodani]

This is my next smau. It's a Harry Potter smau. Neville X F.!Reader pairing. There's a bit of Fred X F.!Reader pairing in here. There's also Neville X Fred X F.!Reader. Title:A Muggle's Love Story

Trigger warning: Slight swearing! Mentions of sex! Will be mentions of rape! Slight abuse! If you are sensitive to these things read at your own risk!

Y/n was a muggle brought into the world of magic, at a very young age. She didn't know how to handle it. And with her older sister, her guardian being the only one who could take care of her, it proved to be difficult for her with her sister being the Defense Against The Dark Arts professor, and her having to live in the world of magic. She feels a little left out, seeing as both her sisters, her older and her younger, - her twin - are wizards and she is not. But that all disappears when she meets the one person who helped her realize not everything is about that. And it's not all its cracked up to be. Neville was there for her since she was young and they became the best of friends. However, as they got older they realized their feelings were more for each other than they even orginally thought. But what happens when Neville finally has the courage and another man tries to swoop in and take him from her?

Special Edition Series Finale Two-Parter Part 21

This is the end of my Harry Potter smau. I hope you guys enjoyed this story and will stick around for the next one. Thanks for reading❤

Adelina's P.O.V.

I couldn't believe my eyes as I held this letter from mother in my hand. I've always been close to Albus, and I've always looked at him as my father. But I could've never imagined him being my actual father.

"Hey Lina, we're almost finished, what do you say we all go out for pizza together, before me and Jami officially leave," Y/n suggested to me.

I barely paid attention as I intently stared.

"Adelina, are you okay?" Y/n asked as she started to walk over to me.

"I can't believe this," I spoke out not taking my eyes off the letter.

"Can't believe what?" She asked beyond confused.

She stood next to me looking at the letter.

"Its a letter for me from mom - She told me who my real father is," I responded still in disbelief.

Y/n didnt say anything as she looked at Jami. I dont think she knew what to say. I took in a soft breath as I stared at Albus's name on the page.

"What does the letter say sis?" Y/n asked me curiously concerned.

I couldn't read it out loud, do to being so shocked still.

"Here,-" I handed her the letter, "You can read it out loud if you'd like," I told her.

She nodded to me. As she began I could feel more tears coming to my eyes. I crossed my arms over my stomach, gently biting on my thumbnail. Jami walked closer to me.

"Oh Adelina," Y/n spoke softly as she gave the letter back to me.

"Um, why don't you guys go ahead and go out to get pizza, I've got something, important I need to take care of," I told them.

Y/n was quiet for a minute. She rested her hand on my shoulder.

"Okay, we'll see you later, - Come on guys," Y/n spoke softly as she walked over to Neville.

I stayed quiet as Jami followed. I will do what my mother asked of me.

. . .

I knocked on Albus's office door.

"Come in,"

I gently opened the door, closing it as I walked in.

"Ah, Adelina, its nice to see your out and about after what happened, -"

A soft smile passed me.

"How are you feeling?" Albus asked me in a caring soft tone.

"Im feeling better, - Albus there's something I need to speak with you about," I told him nervously.

"Of course dear, what is it?"

"How much do you remember of my mother?"

He was quiet for a minute. A soft smile passed him as he thought.

"Yes, I remember your mother, Iris, she was a wonderful student. We helped each other a lot, -"

"Were you friends?"

"Oh yes, we were great friends,"

"Did you love her?"

He went silent for a moment as he looked at me. I could tell he wanted to hesitate, but he didnt want to hide anything from me.

"Adelina, why are you asking me these questions?"

"I found this, -"

I pulled out the letter from my mother, unfolding it.

"Its a letter from my mom written to me. Its hard to explain, here,"

I gave him the letter. He took it without saying a word, reading it to himself. I could tell he was surprised as he read it. I dont think he knew what to say.

"Yes, my dear, I loved your mother very dearly, but she fell in love with another man. I didnt want to let on to her how much it pained me to see her love another. All I wanted was what was best for her. And I had to come to terms with myself that wasnt me. I had to move on. I never found another love. After your mother I couldnt bring myself to try, -"

"Im sorry,"

"I understand her reason for not telling me she was pregnant. But I wish now that she had. I could have taken you and your daughter and your sisters in after your mother died. I always hoped I could have a part of her after she died, but I never had it. Though I always felt a stronger connection when I stood next to you, I know now that is because your my daughter, -"

Without thinking I quickly wrapped my arms around him holding him close to me. He wrapped his around me softly, giving me a soft gentle kiss to the top of my head.

"Im sorry I wasnt there for you Adelina,"

"It isnt your fault, you didnt know,"

"I have always looked at you as my own, but to find out that your my daughter makes it better,"

"I love you - Dad,"

"I love you too sweetheart,"

I leaned away from him with a smile. I motioned to the seats as I wiped the tears from my eyes. We sat down together discussing my mother. He made us a couple cups of tea with magic as we talked. I've always felt a strong connection with him. I always thought it was because of how caring he was. Now I know the real reason.

. . .

Y/n's P.O.V.

I sighed as I stood next to Adelina in her home.

"Well, Boo, this is it, are you ready?" Adelina asked me with a teasing smile glancing at Neville and back at me.

I nodded, "Yes, - Im ready for this," I told her.

Her smile grew as she hugged me.

"Im so proud of you hon, - Never forget that,"

I smiled, "I won't,"

She leaned back looking directly at Neville.

"You better be good to her Neville,"

"Don't worry Adelina, I'll never let anything happen to her again," Neville promised.

"You better not," Adelina warned.

A nervous smile passed him. Luna walked over to me wrapping me in a tight hug.

"I'm gonna miss you Y/n," she said to me.

"I'll miss you too, but dont worry I'll still be around, and I'll keep your mom at bay with Zacharias," I told Luna.

"Good luck with that," Adelina said to me.

A chuckle left me and Luna. I walked over to Jami, who was standing next to Colby. We just stared at each other for a moment.

"Im gonna miss you so much!" We exclaimed as we threw our arms around each other.

We held each other as tightly as we could.

"You guys are literally going to be right across the hall from the other, you'll be able to see each other whenever you want," Colby practically complained.

"We're twins you wouldnt understand. We've never been apart, pretty much in our entire lives. This will be the first time we aren't sharing a room together or greeting each other in the morning, or seeing each other right before we go to bed," Jami told him.

"But its not like you're going to be moving across town away from one another. You'll literally be right across the hall," Colby told her.

Jami said nothing for a moment as she looked at him.

"Shut up," she spoke as she pushed him away.

I chuckled as I looked at Neville.

"Do you have anything to say Neville?" I asked him.

"No, sweetheart, Im good," Neville spoke up.

I chuckled once more as Jami and I hugged each other once again.

"I dont wanna leave you," Jami said to me.

"I dont wanna leave you either," I told her.

"Oh my gosh, you guys are pathetic, -"

Adelina walked over to us.

"Colby's right, you guys will be living across the hall from each other. There's no need to act dramatic," Adelina said to us.

Jami and I leaned away from each other. We both looked at her.

"Whats your excuse?" Jami asked her.

I snickered.

"I am dramatic, thats who I am," she told her.

Jami just smiled as she hugged her. Neville walked closer to me. He gently placed his hand on my back.

"Are you ready to go beautiful?" Neville asked me softly.

I smiled as I looked at him.

"Yeah, Im ready," I replied.

. . .

I smiled as I walked into Neville's apartment knowing I was moving in. Neville helped me carry my suitcases. We moved all the boxes here earlier. I stared directly at the couch as Neville closed the door. I heard him lock it. My stomach was spinning in a thousand circles from the excitement. Neville walked up behind me, placing his hands on my waist, pressing himself against me, placing a soft kiss to the side of my neck.

"You okay beautiful?" Neville asked me softly.

"Yeah, -"

I turned myself to face him.

"I just can't believe I'm actually living here with you, and that we're actually getting married in a few months," I told him.

He smiled at me before quickly pressing his lips to mine. He captured me in a passionate kiss. I smiled into his kiss as I put my arms around his neck.

"Someone's eager tonight," I spoke as I lightly bit my lip.

Neville looked directly into my eyes.

"Welcome home baby girl," he said to me softly.

I said nothing as I looked at him. I pulled him closer to me pressing our lips together once more. After everything we've been through together, its finally time for us to settle down. I may have moved in here, but this isnt my home. Wherever Neville Longbottom is, that's where my home is.

Taglist:

@cece-lives-here

@saur20

[shireviews]

“painter of the night” (야화첩)

by byeonduck

“Na-kyum is a young painter with an exceptional talent: creating erotic images of men. Though he has published a few collections under a pseudonym, he has decided to quit painting. Then Seungho, a young nobleman, barges into his life. A hell-raiser notorious for his insatiable lust, Seungho forces Na-kyum to become his private painter. However, the nights that await Na-kyum are beyond anything he could have imagined.”

status: ongoing

warnings⚠️: kidnapping, rape

this is literally like every asian historical drama ever but 50 shades of GAY

tldr

✨the plot✨

one night, our resident orphaned, high-functional alcoholic, nakyum is given a job offer by our resident sodomy-loving lord seungho for his UNIQUE ability to paint hentai erotica that ERECTS SEUNGHOS LOINS! however, nakyum declines, makes excuses, and gets a guy killed all because he is a ･ﾟ✧*changed*✧･ﾟ man and does not paint that absurdity anymore.

does seungho listen? of course not, this is a yaoi.

so lo and behold, nakyum is kidnapped and forced to watch and paint seungho and his plus one jihwa get it on. but when nakyums refusal to paint becomes a problem for seungho and his ding-a-ling, mega-nerd jung inhun is introduced as leverage. why? because softboi nakyum adores inhun and would do anything to see his teacher’s political career pop off; even paint seungho and his mega schlong. 

however! more! drama! ensues! when we learn that inhun is the reason nakyum stopped painting. but if stop painting he remains, then undoubtedly would inhuns non-existent career be ruined by seungho, and nakyum loves his teacher way too much for that to happen. 

the painting sessions then begin to involve NAKYUM ON SEUNGHO action which threatens and angers seunghos plus one jihwa cough irrelevant cough enough to put out a hit on nakyum. so yeah season 1 ends with an assassin coming 4 nakyums a$$ and inhun finding out and calling nakyum a prostitute.

hooray for season 2

✨the character development✨

yoon seungho

this man went from pegging 5+ men in one night theres a reason ho is in his name to ONLY pegging nakyum on the reg if thats not character dev idk what is 

at least theres consent in season 2 

baek na-kyum

he cries so damn much but i mean given his circumstances it could be worse. idek what to say about character development for nakyum like the only thing that develops is his endurance to seunghos bullshit so i mean theres that 

it’ll come to me later i swear

jihwa

hoe

jung in-hun

he was a tolerable character but gradually got worse and worse if they dont bury this silly mofo in season 2

he couldnt take the hint for like 90% of season 1 and when he finally did, had the audacity to call nakyum a prostitute like homie that is not the move -- he is the whole reason why your literature and career is even being CONSIDERED atm and you go and call him a whore great work

✨the porn✨

censoring system: light sabers

first smut scene: chapter 1 they said yall wanna see sum real speed

favorite smut scene: chapter 45 the consent is immaculate

least favorite smut scene: they were all okay

i will now proceed to summarize my analysis of every single smut scene in this yaoi 

meat and ren can suck it

🔞 = major smut scenes

chapter 1 + 2: 

sudden, not an actual smut tbh u just see images of seungho blowing/pegging his plus one 

chapter 3 + 4:

first scene!

pegging galore god

multiple rounds seungho said STAMINA

imagine getting that horny from a bunch of pictures cant relate

chapter 8:

orgy gone wrong

chapter 9:

orgy gone right

nakyum beats his meat

chapter 13 + 14 + 15:

nipples, blowjobs, fingering, multiple positions

plus one gets jealous lmfao

chapter 16:

nakyum x seungho omg periodt pooh

🔞chapter 20 + 21:

NAKYUM X SEUNGHO PERIODT

technically rape since nakyum thinks hes doing it with inhun learned sir poor babe

hes enjoying it (???) 

lord

he remembers NOTHING LMFAOAOAO

🔞chapter 25 + 26:

we’re border lining killing stalking rape god this is not how you recover memory loss seungho

hes enjoying it (???^#!!#$^&&%%$)

we all hate seungho whats new

chapter 27 + 28:

follow up blowjob but dont get caught by inhun wowza

this is oral rape oh my god

🔞chapter 31 + 32:

nakyum x seungho development we love to see it

less rape more noncon

they’re enjoying it 

multiple rounds and positions they said FLEXIBILITY AND STAMINA

SEUNGHOS MASSIVE HORSE SCHLONG SENT NAKYUM INTO A FEVER LMFAOAOAOAO

chapter 36 + 37:

less rapey blowjob for NAKYUM THIS TIME LESGOO

squishy seungho cheeks and not the ass cheeks

chapter 39:

the ancient version of public sex

🔞chapter 42:

nakyum initiated it this time omg what he did get slapped tho

yea nakyum is a sex crier

fin.

✨the v✨

this was the second yaoi i read and although better than killing stalking imo, it still retains that rapey energy so uh 

i first read this in april and as of writing this in late july, out of all the yaois ive read in those three months, painter of the night still remains one of my favorite art styles. literally nothing drawn in this style can be ugly.

also fun fact, i binge read the first season of painter of the night in like a day and the ENTIRE time i was listening to mayday by crush ft. joy and now i cannot listen to that song without associating it with seungho and his horse sized manhood good day and good night

🦋 make your puthy throb percentage: 96%

[paintmearainbow]

What Is Love ?

Love.

Love means different things to different people. Some people say love is making your partner happy and seeing them happy makes you happy . But love, is actually a figment of our imaginations. In a way, love is selfish and makes us lose our independence. You make the other person happy to keep yourself happy, and you become dependent and vulnerable. It's a somewhat like a shared dream. And until one person decides to wakeup, and that dream, albeit fun while it lasted, becomes a living nightmare

1 YEAR AGO

For Harry and y/n; sneaking out of premiers and award shows,buying tacos and eating them at 3 AM was love. For them, love was dancing in the kitchen to Elvis and baking with each other. Love was watching horror movies in makeshift tents, snacking on caramel popcorns and cans of soda; all while making fun of Harry's "those dumb bitches" in the movie. Love was falling asleep in each others arms and reading each other books. It was dressing up as Disney characters and acting out scenes from their favourite animations. It was etheral, perfect. Almost too perfect too be true

People always said "Love will fizzle out. One of you will get bored." Harry and y/n didn't listen. They burned so fast, so bright and didn't realise that their spark too, like all blazed and sparks from lighted matches, had extinguished. One second it was burning so brightly, and the next, it was gone

..............................................................................................

"When was the last time you spoke to him ?" asked y/n's sister.

" A week ago" a distraught y/n replied. "He barely has time to even talk to me on the phone, let alone show me the sights and explore the places with him via facetime"

For a brief moment, she allowed herself to close her eyes and all the memories flashed through her eyes, like a movie roll, playing over and over agai

FLASHBACK

"Y/N !" exclaimed Harry, the golden flecks in his eyes dancing with joy. Oh how she longed to see him, feel him and be with him in real life , rather than on a screen. Yet she was eternally grateful for Harry for never making her feel left out from the tour experience, he always made sure to show her around, even if it was only on a screen, while giving tour guide commentary in a horribly fake American accent.

"You're in for a treat ! We're going to see the Louvre today. Come on an enjoy the sited with Harry's Tour Experiences"

Y/n couldn't stop laughing.

Being an art fanatic, she giving Harry detailed descriptions of the art, while all he did was turn it inti a joke. His put on accent stood out when he kept saying " Oh shucks ! Here's another painting of a few women and men fighting and eating." He termed an entire style of art; renaissance art as "men and women barely dressed fighting and eating". He made a few sly comments on how y/n would look lovely in that dress. It was so wonderful and each of these virtual trips was marked with his signature end. Going to a park, and eating the same food.

His laughter was contagious and y/n loved it. She wondered how she got so lucky, so blessed to have hazza in her life.

She never thought that this love, would eventually fizzle.

end of flashback

Now she was lucky if he spoke to her for 5 minutes. Even those 5 minutes were filled with her talking and him showing least interest in what she had to say. She doubted whether he even listened.

Today, however was a low blow. It was y/n' bday. had it been any other year. Harry would've made this day perfect. They had been together since they were 18. The first year, he bought her 18 gifts on her birthday. The subsequent year, he got her 19 and so on. He would make her breakfast in bed and wake her up with showers of kisses and a "Good Morning, Happy Birthday Darling."

Today however, at 7 PM , she was yet to have him acknowledge that it was her birthday. She was yet to have any sign of news from him at all. She illusioned herself, thinking that maybe he had interviews to attend.

Her sister, however, tired with y/n's moping, said" You're coming over with your friends to Club 22 this night or else I wont speak to you. I don't want you to spend your birthday moping around"

With great difficulty, y/n was persuaded by her friends to go clubbing. The loud music, the drinks and the dim lights were never y/n's scene. Yet, for the sake of her friends, she fixed up a smile on her face and tried to enjoy, trying her best to forget than Harry's call still hadn't come.

.......

It was 10 PM and the party was in full swing. y/n's friends were drunk, so drunk. Everyone around her was laughing, drinking and joking. Meanwhile, a new disturbing thought had settled in y/n's head. What if he got into and accident ? What if he's really sick ? She was ridden with anxiety and couldn't get Harry off her mind, until that one fateful message from Nezza, her best friend, Harry's PA, through whom they had met, sent her that message. When y/n's phone lit up and she scarmbled to see the text, hoping it was Harry, she did not know it would change her life permanently.

The text was simple. "I'm so so sorry honey; you deserve to know" It was attached with a single file of pictures.

She subconciously knew what had happened. She had seen all the signs, yet chose to ignore them, not wanting to get up from her dream. The reduced duration of phone calls ultimately leading up to a call a month, the regular excuses, coming home late, half hearted kisses, they all added up. For a split second, y/n wanted to think that it was something else; maybe harry was too drunk or had passed out in a bar.

The message to forever to download. It was so slow and painfully excruciating. It was like the calm before the storm. The slow before the fast. The light drizzle before the thunderstorm. When the picture finally loaded; her heart shattered ever so fast. The pain she felt was numbing, yet somewhere in her mind, she was gald that Harry was safe.

There was Harry, his arm around the small waist of the redhead, his fingers entwined in hers. The same fingers which ran through y/n's hair multiple times, were now woven in another's hand. She thought her heart couldnt break more.

Fate was not kind to y/n.

She swiped to see the next picture, and she wasn't sure how, or whether it was even possible, but her heart further broke. Harry was kissing her in the booth, their booth, in Alessandro's the place he had her first date with y/n.

Fate had evil plans for y/n.

Tears streaming down her face, the makeup for the night ruined, y/n looked around for her sister and friends but they were nowhere to be seen. The only thing glowing right now was her glitzy dress, the one she had been forced into. Unable to take it anymore, she ordered an uber and left.

Fate wasn't kind to y/n at all

The minute she left the club, she was blinded with lights, the flashes from the camera, and the shouts from the reporters

" How do you feel about Harry cheating on you on tour ?"

"Did you expect this ? How do you react to Harry kissing a supermodel, younger than you!"

Y/n wanted to scream, but keeping her emotions in she pushed through the sea of people, got into her uber, gave her address and broke down.

She cried and cried. The uber driver tried to ask her what was wrong but she couldn't stop crying. she wanted the pain to go away. she wanted to cry. But most of all, she wanted Harry to tell her that it wasn't true and hold her in his arms and tell her it's alright.

But it wasn't. it wasn't alright. Far from it.

The next morning after an extremly broken sleep, y/n awoke. All the event's from last night wre remembered and her eyes started to water again. She switched on her phone to see the hashtag #y/ndeservesbetter and #harryandy/nareover trending. She also so 100 missed calls, voicemails and texts from Harry but chose to ignore them.

Y/n was raised to be strong. She spent most of childhood see her mom struggle to make meets end. She had seen the worst. She was strong. She went over to the mirror and saw her reflection and realised that she looked a mess. She took 3 deep breaths, washed her face, and masked her emotions, just as she did way back in high school, before she met Harry, before he changed her.

She went down and suddenly the apartment door opened. There stood the man who she loved, the man who had broken her heart, the one who still held her heart, no matter how broken it was.

He pleaded with her to forgive him. He begged, cried, said it was a one time mistake, and he regretted it, that he loved her; but y/n turned a deaf ear to his pleas. Their love had fizzled out, and she was blinded by affection not to realise it earlier. And as the saying goes " Once a cheater, always a cheater." Y/n wasn't taking any more risks. She put on a strong facade, made up her mind and left, leaving a crying Harry on the porch.

She wasn't over him, far from it. She was so broken, yet showed no signs. She had calm expresssion, yet her thoughts were chaotic. But she knew what was best and she knew this was the right thing to do. She had to take the lessons from this experience and move on, just like her mother had taught her. Dreams end, no matter how amazing it is, no matter how much you want to hold on and live it, and this, her perfect dream, had also come to an end.

So, what is love ?

A dream ? A nightmare ? Soemthing too good to be true?

Maybe all it is, is an illusion. A fairytale. Or maybe it is the truth, because truth teaches us lessons and so does love. i guess it's one of those things which just has no answers.

author's note

AND THATS A WRAP. I DO NOT CONDONE CHEATING. it's something which definitely shouldnt be forgive . this the first ever imagine I've posted on my new tumblr. Please send feedback. Hope you enjoyed it. Reblog. What are your thoughts? i would love to hear them. Send requests for more imagines.

i should be studying but eh.

keep dreaming

ashu.

(here's a random B99 gif for no reason)

[ladyboltontoyou]

Arthur Morgan x Reader: Farmer’s Daughter

Ask: Ok well I was wondering if you could write an Arthur Morgan x Reader where the reader is the daughter of a rich farm owning family and Arthur rides up to the farm/ranch one day to scope the place out and see if they're easy to rob but somehow ends up with heart eyes for the reader and starts sneaking around to see her. Doesn't have to be smut, but that would be awesome. Thank you!

Warnings: Probably cursing. A bit of an age gap since Arthur is, you know, like 30 something, and the reader is still living with her parents.

Pairing: Arthur Morgan x Reader 

A/N: So this turned out longer than I had originally planned oops. ALso apparently freezers were invented around the 1830′s so don’t come at me for having ice cubes in Arthurs drink ok. I really hope this is what you imagined and it doesn’t seem rushed, even though I spent like 4 hours on it. Hope it’s not too short or too long. OKAY I’M DONE RAMBLING YOU CAN READ NOW.

The last thing you expected to see on a Friday afternoon was a stranger on a white horse riding up your dirt road. You had been reading a book on your upstairs balcony when you saw him, at first just a small white speck a ways away. But when that white speck started making noise you looked up and saw it was a man on a horse, a visitor. You rarely got visitors here that weren’t two men on a wagon full of supplies. 

You set your book down on the table and leaned forward to get a better look as he neared the front of your house. He looked handsome enough, even though you were on the second story balcony and he was on the ground below. From what you could see he was a rugged man about thirty or so, not the kind of men your parents usually dealt with. Your curiosity got the best of you and you walked back inside and downstairs where you saw your father opening the front doors. One of his work friends stood beside him in case things were to go south, his hand sitting comfortably on his pistol as a gentle warning to the stranger that stood on your porch.

“Sorry to bother you folks, I was looking for the Braithwaite manor and it looks like I got myself lost. Do you know whereabouts that is?” His voice sounded so friendly and warm, you would never expect that he was there to see if you would be easy to ransack. You watched the conversation go down from the bottom step of the staircase and tried not to look too obvious. 

Your father was totally oblivious and way too trusting. “No worries friend, these back roads are tricky. Fancy a drink? You look like you’ve been riding all day. Come inside and I’ll have my wife draw you up some directions.”

The man looked hesitant but eventually shrugged. “You’re too kind. I’d really appreciate it.” 

You took the chance to walk into the tea room since you knew they’d come inside any minute, and you didn’t want to look suspicious. Plus, you wanted to be nosey, it wasn’t often attractive strangers came by. You sat down at the table and picked up the book from the table, something you had already read before, and tried your best to look as if you had been doing it for some time already.

“Who’s that man outside?” Your mother had snuck up behind you and scared the daylights out of you when she leaned down to whisper in your ear.

“I don’t know.” You said after you recovered from the scare. “But he sure is good looking.” 

She peaked at the front door and nodded in approval at your taste. “You’re not wrong about that.” Thank god it was your mother and not your grandmother, she would have chided you for hours about being indecent. 

Finally, they came in and the man took off his hat, looking around as his eyes adjusted to the change of light. He looked even better looking close up. His facial hair was trimmed neatly but looked like it had grown in a little, the hair on his head the same. His face was partially spotted from the dust in the air from horse hooves but he didn’t look truly dirty, nothing compared to your farmboys.

 He looked around and seemed impressed with the place, his eyes looking into every room he could see from his spot. When he looked into the room your father began walking into, the tea room, he only spared you a short glance. 

Alright, well, you weren’t used to that. Most men who saw you immediately started complimenting your parents on how gorgeous you were, praising you and never failing to remark some version of ‘You’ll make a wonderful wife/Someone a very happy husband/Beautiful children’. But he didn’t say a thing.

“Darling, would you be so kind as to draw some directions from here to Braithwaite manor? Our friend  here has gotten lost.” Your father asked your mother who smiled and obliged, heading upstairs to get some paper. “Oh! I didn’t even see you there!” He said when he noticed you sitting on the couch. “Could you bring our guest some tea?”

The stranger looked at you and looked like he was about to decline and tell you not to worry yourself but you were already standing up. “Sure thing daddy, need anything else?” You asked sweetly with a smile. 

Your father looked to the man who just shook his head and tried to say ‘I’m fine’ and ‘No thank you’ at the same time. “No, I’m, thank you,” He jumbled over his words and looked visibly embarrassed. “I’m alright.”

You smiled widely, amused by that. He looked away and scratched the back of his head awkwardly. Your father paid no mind and led him to the couch, talking about how harsh the month had been with no rain at all. 

When you got back from the kitchen with a glass of tea he looked up and accepted the glass from you happily, muttering a ‘thanks’ before he almost chugged the entire thing, even chewing on some of the ice. Your mother came down the stairs with a piece of paper in hand and one of your nice fountain pens in the other. 

“You’ll have to excuse my writing, I’m not the best artist.” She joked and sat on the single chair across from the couch. “You should have told our artist here to do it instead, she could draw him the best map he’d ever laid his eyes on.” She joked and you tried not to let them see how bashful she made you. She always bragged about you and anything you did, you could draw something purposefully awful and she would still treat it like a priceless painting.

“Oh it’s alright, I’m sure I’ll manage.” He chuckled, taking more ice into his mouth. 

You sat down on the other side of the couch and watched the man from the corner of your eye. He looked around the house while his jaw moved to chew the ice as if he was taking note of every single window and door. “Say, you folks-”

Your mother sighed in frustration, putting two fingers on her forehead in exasperation. “I’m sorry, I can barely draw a line. Darling, could you please?” She slid the paper across the table and gave you a sweet look.

“I’ll try.” You laughed and leaned down, taking the pen from her.

“What were you saying?” Your father asked from his seat and the man looked confused before he remembered.

“I was just going to ask if you knew of some good people to hire for security. Assuming those men at the end of the road are what I’m thinkin’ they are.”

“Yes, they work for a man named Michael, he hires men that used to be in the war and sells their services to those who can afford it.” Your father said proudly. Arthur just nodded.

“Here’s the house.” You said to the man as you drew a small house next to the scribbles your mother had done. He scooted closer to you carefully and watched as you drew. “And here’s the road. The corn fields are on the right, the tobacco on the left.” You kept talking as you drew and tried to focus on moving the pen instead of how close he was to you. His body heat radiated off of him and grazed your bare arm and neck, you could hear him breathing slowly. He smelt like smoke and day-old cologne mixed with the leather from his coat. 

As you gave him directions he would never need Arthur felt morality tug at his heartstrings. You were such good people, welcoming him into your home and showing such hospitality. He would have to tell Dutch there was no way, there were too many workers and guards, he would make something up. He came expecting a snooty rich family but was caught off guard by good people. You all had the generosity, kindness, and respect of poor folk.

When you finished you slid the map over on the table. “Let it sit for a minute before you touch it, the ink’s still wet.” You warned and put the cap back on the pen. “Especially here.” You laughed softly and pointed at the words of his destination where you had spelled it wrong the first time and scratched it out.

He nodded and muttered an ‘alright’, looking at you from a side glance. Your father talked for a while about the people who lived in the manor, not being shy about his opinion. Arthur couldn’t have agreed more but he kept up his facade and played dumb. 

“It’s dry now.” You said and Arthur looked away from your father. You were looking at the paper so he took the chance to actually look at you, unintentionally admiring you. Normally he was good about keeping his eyes where they belonged. If there was anyone who respected women it was Arthur, but it was hard not to appreciate your beauty. He figured your sweetness was the only reason he stared. It had been a while since he saw a sweet girl who wasn’t trying to pickpocket him or get him to spend a fortune in the saloon. 

“Thank you.” He picked up the paper and admired your work. One of the few things he could really appreciate was art. You drew so effortlessly, the small roads and hills looked like the maps he’d seen the professionals sell. “Well, I reckon I better be on my way, I’ve taken up too much of your time.” 

“Not at all.” Your father stood up and so did the stranger. They shook hands as he thanked your father who shook him off and pat his back a few times. “You sure there’s nothing else we could do for you?”

“You’ve done more than enough.” He promised and looked back to you and your mother, the paper held gently in his hands. “Thank you both for your hospitality. And for the map.” He held up the paper and you smiled, causing him to unknowingly do the same. 

When he started walking out the door with your father you ran upstairs and almost fell off your balcony to watch him ride off. The hot wind hit your face when you reached the banister, just in time to watch him ride off. He put his hat back on and took one last look behind him, not failing to notice the beautiful young girl watching him leave.

***

The frogs and crickets sang while the fireflies lit the black air with soft pulsating gold. You were on your banister half reading a book and half watching the farmboys work in the fields below, their lanterns bobbing gently through the rows of plants, stopping occasionally to pull up weeds or a dead plant. 

It was hard to read. It was stupid to even try. But there was nothing else to do to take your mind off of your thoughts, even though reading wasn’t doing a good job at that. At least it was something.

A dog barking in the distance made you set your book down. It was the dogs they kept up at the end of the road to warn when someone was coming. You waited a minute to see if they would calm down but they didn’t. You heard your father yell downstairs to the men at the end of the road, and they responded with something about deer in the woods. 

You believed it for a moment until you heard rattling from the other side of your balcony. The first thing that came to mind was some kind of greasy gunslinging bastard but before you could start screaming two arms hooked over the side of the ledge, covered by that same damn leather jacket you had been so close to earlier. 

It shouldn’t have made you feel any better considering his original intentions were to rob your family for everything they had. But for some reason you had a feeling he wasn’t a threat to you. That made you incredibly stupid and naive but thankfully, for once, you were right in this situation. 

When he finally pulled himself over he looked surprised to see you standing there watching him. “Now, before you start screaming,” He said as he reached up to grab the lantern that hung above him. “I’m not here to hurt you or anything like that.” He blew out the small flame and the two of you were suddenly surrounded by darkness. 

“Then why are you here?” You asked cautiously. It wasn’t like you didn’t want to see him again, but the last thing you expected was this. If anyone saw him your father's politeness would be out the window as well as Arthur.

He sighed as if he didn’t know why himself. “You been on my mind girl, and I don’t know why. I don’t know why my dumbass thought it would be a good idea to risk not only my ass but yours, just to come back up here and ask for your name.”

You covered your mouth to stifle that bubbled in your throat. “Truly? That’s why?”

Arthur laughed softly, shaking his head when he realized how ridiculous it was. “I suppose so. And I wanted to ask for another one of those hundred-dollar drawings you make.” 

You laughed again and put your fingers on the bottom lip you held between your teeth. “Oh yeah? Was my map that good?”

He grinned and looked down at his boots, kicking them against the floor to kick some pebbles loose from the bottoms. He couldn’t believe how young he felt then, like he was only sixteen again flirting around with the farmer's daughter. The only thing different from that was he was much, much, much older. If the other men in the gang saw him they’d make fun of him till the day he died for sneaking around for a girl. 

“Well, okay, I guess I can make you something.” You smiled while biting your lip. He put on a show of acting grateful, clasping his hands together and placing them in front of his forehead. When you recovered from quiet laughter you went into your room to get some paper and a pencil. You made sure both your doors were locked before you went back onto your dark balcony. You stopped in the open doorway, noticing how little you could see. There was no way you could draw anything out there unless a lantern was lit, but that would be too bright and anyone nearby would be able to see the two of you. “I can’t see out here, maybe we should go in my room.” 

He was reluctant for a minute, considering how fast he’d be able to run and jump out the balcony if need be. “Yeah, sure.” He sighed and walked towards the doors. The spurs on his boots lightly jingled and you could hear fabric moving against fabric as he moved past you into your dimly lit room. “Been a while since I’ve been in a room this nice.” He admitted as he looked around your room. 

“You live in a barn then?” You teased and sat down at the table near the windows. “Oh, I never told you my name. It’s (Y/N).” 

Arthur leaned against the wall near you and crossed his ankles, nodding as he thought over your name. “(Y/N). Never met anyone with that name before.”

You smiled proudly, twirling the pencil in your fingers. “And yours?”

He paused, considering while he looked out the window. “Arthur.” He said finally and looked back to you. 

“Arthur.” You mused before remembering what you were supposed to be doing. “Ah, sorry, what did you say you want me to draw you?”

He snorted and crossed his arms. “I didn’t give that any thought, do anything you’d like.” 

You bit your lip and looked him up and down. “Okay. It might take me a little while though.” He wanted to say ‘good’, but held his tongue and settled for a ‘That’s okay’.

After about an hour of talking, constant talking, you were finally finished. “If I had longer I could have done better, but, here.” You slid the paper across the table to him. After a while, he got tired and had sat down across from you.

He took the paper in his hands and squinted before his eyes widened. “Christ, girl.” He breathed and looked over the lines and shading. “You’re better than me.”

“You draw too?” You asked with sudden interest but he didn’t respond, he was too caught up in the paper in front of him. 

“I can’t believe this. Did you take a picture of me when I wasn’t looking?” He shook his head and scratched his chin as he continued admiring it. 

You blushed and ran a hand through your hair, he made you into a flustered mess with those praises. They were different when they were coming from someone who wasn’t kin. “Thank you.” It was all you could say. You didn’t expect him to like it that much, it was a hurried sketch of him leaning against your wall, but as much as you liked to pretend your art wasn’t that good there was no denying that this was an exceptionally realistic drawing. You were almost sad to see it go.

Arthur shook his head and looked up from the paper, looking at you completely different. Like how your father looked at your mother the first time he saw her shoot a gun. Newfound respect and admiration glinted in those pretty blue eyes of his, all directed to you. He was going to say something else but the sounds of heels coming up the stairway stopped him. 

“(Y/N)! I just found a letter from June, it came yesterday but-” She grabbed your doorknob and tried to open it, only succeeding in causing the door to shake slightly. Arthur looked at you with wide eyes as she called out your name a second time. 

“Go, hurry!” You whispered and he sat up as quickly and quietly as he could, tiptoeing to the open doors. “One second, I’m changing into my nightdress!” You called back to her as you rushed the grown man out of your room.

He paused in the same spot he had climbed up, one hand on the jasmine covered lattice he had used as a ladder. “Could I come see you again?” He asked boldly, the paper in his hand slightly moving from the breeze. 

You laughed in disbelief. “There’s no way I could say no to that. You better.”

Arthur smiled then, the widest and cheesiest smile he had worn in a while. If it wasn’t for the lantern sitting inside your room next to the window he stood near, you wouldn’t have seen it. You wanted to say more, but he swung his legs over the edge and left you to explain to your mother why you spent so long doing something so simple.

[ellerevelle]

okay so im feeling crazy and detached again (as usual lately)

but instead of spiraling into absolute fucking panic, I’m deciding to take today to just ... not wholly subscribe to this manner of thinking BUT. JUST FOR NOW. I feel like taking some of the craziness flack off myself and blaming it on some shit outside of myself. Because feeling this weird and detached cant all just be me. So here’s a brainstorming of whats got me fucked up, in no particular order: 

Trump is our stupid President

That guy who told me he loved me daily and asked me to be his girlfriend after basically living with me immediately after meeting me and I fell for hard despite a ton of red flags CHEATED on me while I was away visiting home. 

And then blamed it on MY bad communication? fuck that guy. 

But now I see one of the girls he slept with (multiple times, three days in a row) I see her everywhere all the time in everyones instagrams, at everyones parties... ugh. 

Um. People are dying. Close to me. More importantly and spefcifically women I love are dead. 

I didnt get to see Inga before she died. I was too busy forging a relationship with CHEATER GUY. Didnt get home in time to see her. Talk to her. 

Grandma. This has been the whole first year without her, come November. Its subtle, but terrible and I hate it. She was my last matriarch. The last woman who’s blood is in me. 

because Mom’s dead too. And has been since August of 2015. 2015, right? God it feels like forever ago now, probably because I’ve pushed it away. She died unexpectedly and NO ONE IN MY FAMILY HAS SAID THE WORD SUICIDE OUT LOUD even though thats what happened. She OD’d on prescribed opiate painkillers to escape her depression. And we NEVER talk about it. 

So I kindof feel insane. Not talking about things that are clearly there. Like, are they not clearly there for anybody else? Now all my women are gone. My brother literally avoids talking about feelings. My dad is a little more receptive but is more the comforting type than the forthcoming, express onesself type. Getting sentimentality out of my brother is like pulling teeth sometimes. But yet if his son does something cute, its God’s Work and he cant help but cry and get that beautiful lovie squishy look on his face. 

I’m jealous of my own nephew. I see the way my Mom loved me, in the way my Brother loves his son. And I miss being that perfect to somebody. My Dad loves me forever and always and there isnt a word for how grateful I feel for our relationship. I dont take that for granted at all. It actually kindof scares me because... hah, well what if Dad dies? Like, before I’m ready? I’ll be even MORE fucked! 

Anyways. Austins been pissing me off. I’m sorry but although Polyamory is possible and cool and im sure quite beautiful for many, 

The Austin poly scene is fucked and tainted and a bunch of slutty people having orgies and not TALKING about anything and its ruining the healthy vibe poly is incumbent upon. 

So, whatever I’m angry. So fuck that noise. 

I feel like because of cheater guy and my anger at the psuedo poly orgy sexy bullshit scene in Austin, I feel like I’ve broken up with a whole group of friends. Like, I dont want to be around any of it. I dont want to see you eat mushrooms and twerk. I dont want to see your stupid, super naked outfit. I dont think its hot you carry a flogger or can pole dance or slink around like a tarantino character. It used to be hot and thrilling and fun, when I felt like it was connected and for love and sharing and caring. But now it all just is slutty and vapid and useless and cold. Like a sad clown. And thats not sexy, its dark and desperate. *this is about both VERY particular people and broad general strokes. There are several extremely amazing friends in the scene and outskirts thereof that truly inspire me and dont fall into this catagory in my mind, although they’d probably still be angry with me for dissing things ^^ the way I just did but. fuck it, this is MY journal entry and I can be irrational if I want to. 

You cant be open fucking minded ALL the time. Sometimes people really arent acting with anyones best intentions but their own. I’ve used up SO MUCH FUCKING ENERGY making myself soften and open and “woke” and trying to go with everybodys flow. And I’m exhausted and over it. I have my own principles and theres nothing wrong with having differing opinions than someone else. 

All summer I’ve been feeling like I’m a bad person for not liking or not understanding this hyper sexual scene in Austin. I thought, “why am I shaming a scene thats giving me opportunity to really shine and be free?” when, in an IDEAL world, yes thats what the scene could be. But in what actually fucking unfolds -- humans SUCK and dudes SUCK and girls SUCK and everybody (especially when horny) are fucking STUUUUPIIIIIDDDD and ideals get thrown out the window! people arent nearly as “woke” as I gave them the actual credit for. Seriously. So! I’m fuckin OUTTIE! 

I’ve felt broken up with a whole scene. FUck cheater guy, fuck poly, fuck orgies, fuck people who are reckless with my love. 

Back to the list:

I’ve been eating too much out of boredom. Which I’ll blame on lack of quality social interaction in this town. Where are the scholars? Where are the sexy edgy BRAINY people? I’m tired of hot people in little clothing in the summer. 

Ah! Another thing for the list. its been TOO FUCKING HOT OUT. FOR MONTHS. 100 DEGREES FOR MONTHS. thats enough to make anyone insane. 

So i’m sick of teenie boppers in their nothing outfits in the heat. 

I want old smart people in peacoats. I miss books and weather and frowns. Irritable debates about literature or physics or religious theories. 

I only like my own brand of cigarettes. 

My roommates are annoying me. I dont really like my house anymore. Theres too many humans and not enough square footage. Four people to one kitchen is TOO MUCH SHIT. EVERYONE BUYS THEIR OWN BANANAS AND THEY ALLLLLL GO BROWN ON THE TABLE. thats four peoples worth of bad bananas. FUcking stupid. 

I dont have a hairdresser here. Sometimes when I feel shitty I like to throw money at the problem. Buy something. Get a haircut. See a show. Etc. 

And my hairdresser love is in Philadelphia and getting a flight to get a haircut is slightly insane (without a longer visit)

I miss Adam. 

What else can I blame my upset on. Shitty politics, shitty weather, shitty social sexual scene in my town, I dont like my house, I dont like my hair. Its too expensive to live here. No one in my immediate acquaintance or friend circle seems interested in the sort of romantic relationship I’m seeking, nor if they did does anyone have the “it” factor I look for which I’ll *try* to describe maybe in another post. 

So. I sit inside my room and try to fix stupid remedial things as if itd make a big impact. I tidy and put away clothes in attempt to feel less cluttered but am too scared to make BIG cuts and BIG changes. So instead I light insence and watch netflix and eat too much. I have started going to Barre3 again more and have been semi regular with therapy so thats something. 

I really ought to start doing “morning pages” like the book Fiona loaned me suggests in its FIRST GODDAMN CHAPTER. But, alas, I am lazy. 

No, I have become recently lazy. 

I’m spoiled. I dont do things I dont want to do. Its a major character flaw. I only push and struggle if I see worthyness in it, and lately theres been serious lack of evidence of that in, well, anything.

 #depression! 

so, I guess in summation- because nothing has been a WORTHWHILE struggle, EVERYTHING feels like a struggle. Humph. thats... thats not good. But it does, because i dont see the worth in a lot of goals or tasks or even relationships, (and i dont mean the greedy “what can I GET for ME out of this!” sort of b.s.) (I mean the... conserve precious energy, is this going to teach me something or help me grow as a person or bring love into my life sort of vibe) ...

when I dont think the energy expenditure is going to pay off, I dont do it. Or I do it half way or lazily or with tentative fear. I guess I could do an experiment and just do everything with HOPE and see if my energy put in will get a different result... but. like. I feel like I did that all summer and he cheated on me. And my “friends” said “dont be angry, be poly” and I couldnt call on my Mom or Grandma and so I call on eating and isolation and running away to visit home where no one cares I dont have a job. where the house is big and the air is cold and my friends are smart. 

I really miss Kristian. That was one of the greatest feelings of self love in my entire life. I felt like, if someone that special noticed ME. Saw ME. Little old, semi chubby, not famous ME, and wanted me around for a couple tour dates. Then I ought to believe in myself TOO. I wanted to dance, I wanted to make art, I wanted to take photos, I wanted to be bold, I wanted to be humble, I felt so open and content with myself. I was motivated to work out, I was motivated to eat healthy and clean and small portions. It was easy. It felt so fun. I loved him. I dreamt big. My imagination was so warm and excited. My inner critic was GONE. 

But he faded away. He got back with his ex. The shooting star left the sky. I’m still grateful for the experience at all, but. 

I feel a little stupid for thinking anything could’ve happened. 

And I truly miss feeling so special and excited about life. 

I dont want to run away from Austin out of fear. But I cant tell if I’m unhappy and want to leave genuinely, or if this is the spoiled part of me thats like, “this sucks, lets leave.” instead of pushing though, curating something better with some struggle, and sticking it out. 

How do people make big life decisions like this? I feel like thats what marriages do. People stay together and fight. But sometimes they get divorced anyways, its just been longer. More years wasted. When maybe it wouldve been healthier to leave sooner and cut the cord and be free to live without, sooner. 

I really like a lot of things about this city. But I really dislike a lot too. And I cant tell where I want my life to go, in a grand sense, so its hard to pick which attributes will matter in the long run. 

I dont think I should leave yet. Maybe a new house. Or like, serious efforts to declutter this one. Is this just excuses? Ugh. 

Declutter this house. If that doesnt feel better, leave the house and move to a new part of austin. If that doesnt feel better, leave austin. 

I need a job. 

[smileykeijser]

Hey, I'm having a bit of a rough night. Do you happen to have some piece of writing you could share? About anything, really, I just need to read something good

hello lovely, I’m sorry you’re having such a rough night, here’s some sort of finished elippo smut that’s been in my drafts for a while (it’s unfinished but can definitely be read, there is a tie off point). 

Elia’s hot breath wafted over Filippo’s ear, gravelly voice breaking the spell they were both so taken with, “I need you now.”

Elia could hear the shaky breath Filippo let out, right into Elia’s ear, thrumming with desire, and at the very highest pitch, so faint Elia could barely hear it, a whimper, something needy and delicious that bled across Elia’s tongue and coated his tongue with lust, thick and heady he could lap it up with ease.

“Eli,” and god, if Elia thought he had had a difficult task a minute earlier holding himself back from ravishing the beautiful boy in the middle of an alley in thick air that was steadily growing darker, the temptation only grew stronger with his own name perched on the boy’s tongue.

“We’re going to go home, you’re going to strip down to nothing but your tattoos, and I’m going to fuck you senseless baby,” and at that, Filippo let out and ungodly sound, guttural and overdrawn, just like the ones he breathed out when Elia was hot and hard inside him. “And I’m going to turn your ass nice and pink, just the way I like it.”

“Please,” Filippo whimpered, desperate fingers clinging to Elia’s shirt, cock growing hard against Elia’s thigh, “please.”

“Let’s go,” Elia initiated the separation, withdrawing from the embrace with reluctance weighing his limbs down, taking in the shuddering frame of his boyfriend as they clasped hands and walked   — no tumbled —  down the alleyway.

They expertly wound their way through short-cuts that halved their journey, and soon they were at the door, Elia’s fingers tiptoeing under Filippo’s shirt, pressing heated points into his skin, causing the boy to fumble with his keys, cursing Elia’s inability to keep his hands to himself under his breath.

With the door closed behind them, Elia wasted no precious seconds delaying the inevitable, not when he could, with a few steps, press the boy to the wall, and map Filippo’s body with his own. So he did, pushing through the thick, lust rich air to press their legs together, to feel the outline of Filippo’s hard cock against his own, to puncture the tension with his lips on the boy’s skin.

He flirted kisses down Filippo’s neck, pale skin warm beneath his lips. The way he was rewarded with feather light brushes of breath from his boyfriend encouraged him to go gentle, to kiss the tender patches to elicit the most expressive sounds from the boy and lick swooping paths up the column of his throat. However, the way Filippo’s fingers were digging into Elia’s waist, sharp, bordering on painful, urged Elia to nip, to bite at the skin, to suck purpling marks into the flesh that would bring Filippo arching up towards him, leaving him desperate and needy.

It seemed Filippo appreciated his taking the second path, as the moment Elia bit the juncture of his neck the boy practically whimpered in his ear, tugging at Elia’s hips in urgency, trying to grind their cocks together, even though they were still confined to fabric chambers. The feeling of Filippo’s hot cock through his jeans was nearly too much for him, he reigned himself back lest he spin the boy around with rough hands and tug Filippo’s pants down to launch an attack against his asshole. Lust flared within his core, hot and sparking desire through his entire being, revealing a demanding side to him, to the part of him that craved the boy more than anything, and from his lips, without his own consent spoke sharply.

“No.” Licking a circle around the newest of the bites, darkening with every second, his hands found Filippo’s hips, forcing the two apart.

“Fuck,” the word trembled on Filippo’s lips, finally falling, as Elia’s eyes took in his. Filippo’s eyes were always dark, it was, in Elia’s opinion, one of the most compelling features the boy posessed. Whether they were the only dark thing in a morning ringed with sunlight or he fell into them like the night sky around them, Elia could never tear his own eyes from them. That time was no exception, in fact, the pupils were threatening to swallow the iris, and with the already hazy look about him, Elia couldn’t help the guttural grumble that he released.

Elia remembered the way Filippo had shivered at his commands back in the alley, how he had done nothing but shudder in his arms, and then Elia spoke. His voice sounded barely his own, sharper around the edges, deeper, commanding.

“Get on your knees,” and for a moment, just a moment he wondered if he had broken the spell. If suddenly the dulled edges of reality would sharpen and Elia would let his tone even out again and they would work each other through their orgasms with lazy hands tugging at cocks and lips pressed together with no urgency. He would’ve taken any route to orgasm with the man he loved, but when Filippo sucked in a burst of breath and blinked out a cluster of fluttering eyelashes before lowering himself down, eyes clinging to Elia’s like a lifeline, Elia felt his insides become molten.

Elia thought the sight of Filippo, the boldest, most confident person who was normally so rich with comebacks, kneeling before him at his express order, was possibly the most gorgeous thing he’d ever seen. Filippo’s eyes were wide as saucers from the angle, and an almost giddy smile was curved upon the boy’s sinfully pierced lips. He made Elia’s mouth water, and with a dominance that had only recently revealed itself within him, Elia reached down and roughly combed his fingers through Filippo’s colourless locks. The move was sharp enough to tug on the boy’s head, and Filippo’s head tipped back easily, as if he hadn’t been resisting the motion at all, happily bearing his throat with unabashed enjoyment.

“Now,” Elia spoke, fingers still nestled in the boy’s hair, which was even more mussed than it had already been from their night out. At the sound of Elia’s voice, Filippo’s plush pink tongue darted out, swiping across his lower lip, as if he was lapping up the situation as much as could, savouring the taste of Elia’s demanding voice and demeanor. “You’re going to take my cock out and put your pretty mouth to good use.”

Elia shuddered as Filippo snapped to in an instant, fingers zipping down his fly with expert ease, as if he had been patiently waiting for Elia’s say so to jump to action. Filippo’s hands worked swiftly to shove Elia’s pants down around his ankles, never breaking the heady eye contact they were holding, and with one last artful flick of his wrist, Filippo tugged Elia’s cock from his boxers. Instantly, despite the forced break of eye contact, Filippo took the head of Elia’s cock neatly between his beautiful, slick lips and sucked, roping a litany of praise from Elia.

“That’s it baby,” Elia panted out, pressing his palms against the wall to brace himself as he pressed forward, watching with awed eyes as his cock slipped even further into Filippo’s mouth without fault, Filippo just clung to Elia’s thigh with one hand, using the other to tease Elia’s balls.

“Fuck yeah, Filo, you take my cock so well,” Elia mumbled as Filippo’s tongue worked its wicked way around his length, rough compared to the slick heat of the rest of his mouth, and incredibly addicting. “I could do this all day baby, just push into your gorgeous mouth, it’s like it was made for my cock.”

Elia’s ramblings were spurred on by the whines Filippo let out when Elia spoke, the wavering, shaky, high pitched frequencies that rumbled along Elia’s shaft and sent tremors through his being.

Elia was no stranger to the suction and heat, the expert that Filippo’s blowjobs were, but he was alight with the power, the control he felt, his hand tight in Filippo’s hair, choosing just how fast the strokes were, or how luxuriously lazy they could turn, all from his hand, his touch. And when he felt himself near to falling, hitting the craved high like a ton of bricks, he had the control to stop.

Even though he could think of little better than the look of Filippo’s cock stretched lips swallowing him down, and the pink tongue he could feel rubbing circles under the head of his cock reaching out to lick up the excess come, or having to suck his own fingers into his mouth to get the come off, he imagined his cock, shades darker than Filippo, sliding in and out of his tight hole, constricting as Filippo crashed into his orgasm, had him practically seeing stars.

Elia forced himself to tug his hand backward and pull Filippo’s lush mouth from his cock. Filippo made no attempt to lick up the spit that dribbled down his chin, a concession for his come, Elia thought. Though Filippo’s eyes had not left Elia since he ceased having his cock down his throat, Elia tipped the boy’s head back even more, looking deeply into his eyes, dark as ever and pliable under his touch.

Seconds, taut and hefty passed, and finally, Elia spoke.

“Look at you,” Elia pulled an extra tug at the boy’s hair, nudging a satisfying ‘ngh’ from his throat, “totally wrecked.”

Peripherally Elia spotted a movement, Filippo’s hand drifting toward his own crotch, where his cock was, no doubt, excruciatingly hard and trapped in the agonizing and unrelenting pressure of his jeans. Elia easily could have let it slip and let the boy palm himself on his own term, but no, tonight was his, and so he nudged the boy’s foot away with his own, and under the touch, Filippo’s eyes gleamed.

“As soon as I let you go, you’re going to have a minute to strip down and present yourself for me on the bed.”

With Elia loosening his grip on the boy’s hair, Filippo nodded slightly. “And one more thing, “Elia added, “don’t you put a finger on your cock.”

[tareyoabrumado]

after many, many years of dance classes, and one 2-month attempt at tap dancing, i have decided this year to join a tap class again and try it for real. i was put in a level 3 class due to my age and other dance experience, even though i had never completed a tap class.

i was nervous. i knew some of the people who would be in the class, people who had been doing tap for years. people who were good at it.

as i was good at my arts and got frustrated with people who would drag me down due to their incompetence. just practice and fix your rhythms and read the bowings i wrote.

but i knew i wanted to learn, to at least know basic tap skills. for theatre, something i really want to continue through the rest of my life. im a mathematically-oriented person, and tap is the most mathematical of all dance genres. if i never tried, i would greatly regret it.

so when the first class happened a few days ago, i was filled with anxiety. i really had no idea what i was getting into. i knew the instructor would help me, but.

i couldnt imagine being behind my peers. im older than most of the people in that class. the idea of being that person which holds back the group is one of the most terrifying things i could face.

but i made it through that first class. the instructor did a warm up and i luckily had enough tap knowledge to make it through. she had a list of steps for us to master. i recognized exactly zero of the terms.

thats the thing that separates tap from other dance disciplines. i have taken exactly one ballet class when i was very young, and yet i could do a number of steps i was never taught in that class, since nearly every genre uses pirouettes and battements and soutenus. i was never taught these in a ballet class, but they leaked over into my lyrical and jazz and modern classes.

tap steps appear exactly nowhere aside from tap dance. there was no way for me to catch up using my prior knowledge. i was almost literally starting at square one. the dread took me over.

the instructor ran through each step, and i tried my hardest to remember them and their names. of the 8 steps we went through, i managed to confidently get 3. i asked the instructor after class for a photo of the list so i could practice, and she let me take a picture of the list we had used, as well as one of beginner tap steps.

i have never had any go-to life advice to give people -- not that people often ask me for it (ive been told im bad at giving advice). i can now confidently say i do.

do something that will humble you. do something that will terrify you, not because you worry for your wellbeing, but because you will be bad at it. do something you want to succeed at so badly that you will humiliate yourself to achieve it. learn you are not important. try to be one of the group instead of The One of the group.

i have spent my entire life at the top of every group of people i join. people asked me for help because i was the smart one who knew what i was doing and was confident in that fact. i stayed away from any activity i knew i would be bad at.

(i learned in a camp activity many many years ago that i am incapable of asking for help. i will find the end, i just need to keep walking and think harder. follow the line. there was no exit. do not leave me blind.)

and now for the first time in my conscious life, i am the one person who knows least what theyre doing.

thank fucking god. i will be a new person.

september 17, 2022

[yogsandchaos]

I posted 4,469 times in 2021

150 posts created (3%)

4319 posts reblogged (97%)

For every post I created, I reblogged 28.8 posts.

I added 3,284 tags in 2021

#lyinginbedmon - 609 posts

#william strife - 406 posts

#tommyinnit - 386 posts

#kirindave - 381 posts

#hbc reverse - 309 posts

#technoblade - 280 posts

#tubbo - 259 posts

#dreamwastaken - 235 posts

#wilbur soot - 215 posts

#rythian - 204 posts

Longest Tag: 140 characters

#i used to just tag him as ross but then i had the horrible remembrance hat films existed and that was two people sharing the same tag of ros

My Top Posts in 2021

#5

As I stare at the jschlatt tubbo dad and the captainsparklez tubbo dad I am forced to have a cursed thought, exboyfriends jschlatt and captainsparklez

187 notes • Posted 2021-01-03 05:00:26 GMT

#4

While I’m a known piglin Techno stan, I have to say for the pig mask squad, imagine Techno giving Tommy his own pig mask as a way to sort of mark him as an ally (totally not him marking him as one of his own and making sure he can identify tommy during fights and stuff or- nope not at all purely business don’t ask questions)

Plus its a good mirror to the art of Tommy with a dream mask and I live for that kinda stuff-

200 notes • Posted 2021-01-02 01:47:20 GMT

#3

WE CAN’T KEEP LETTING HIM GET AWAY WITH THIS

238 notes • Posted 2021-01-22 23:10:23 GMT

#2

I think you all are sleeping on Karl being a Fae. After all, being ageless? Fae just be like that! Grabbing a random village to put through a vicious game where the winners are greatly rewarded and everyone else is left to rot? Fae do tend to do things like that yes. Strange powers used purely for trickery? Yeah that’s a fae move. The entire thing had heavy fae trickery and fae games vibes, Karl is a fae.

333 notes • Posted 2021-01-04 06:14:52 GMT

#1

To throw my own two cents in the dream smp archiving efforts as someone who tries to save my favorite niche content and has a lot of thoughts about impermanence, you guys have absolutely no idea how unsteady of a platform things like twitch or youtube are, stuff can vanish in a SECOND and there is nothing you can really do about it, lore that was there yesterday can be gone tomorrow. So not only should you set up those archive channels and stuff, you should make sure to save a copy to a place you know is more secure like a flashdrive, just in case. A single copy does not a good archive make, you need to keep backups.

You should also communicate with the CREATORS, if a creator knows you’re trying to archive streams they may give you the file for it, or at the very least find other ways to make your job easier. They may even have downloads for streams thought to be lost depending on how thorough they have! Talk to each other about backups and talk to the creators about files!

This doesn’t just go for the dream smp! if you have any video you love on youtube and couldnt handle getting deleted, download it. Maybe don’t reupload anywhere, but just have the file on you, trust me. Things go down all the time

373 notes • Posted 2021-03-21 05:34:10 GMT

Get your Tumblr 2021 Year in Review →

[jasondean]

i'm sending you the first thing i thought of when i tried to think of an ask to send you. so. here's this cursed thing. heathersstuck.

ohhh my god okay first of all im gonna preemptively apologize for how long this is about to be. 

another disclaimer that this is all gonna be based on my knowledge of the alternia that we see in homestuck itself because i havent gotten super into hiveswap yet. and, as we all know, any good homestuck au is one where the contending canon is thrust into the homestuck universe as opposed to the other way around. so im gonna spare everyone the painful ideation of plucking a small handful from the VAST homestuck cast just to put them into the plot of heathers

im ALSO gonna preface that im thinking about the heathers film while writing this, not the musical. and im not gonna go into anything regarding martha, betty, kurt, or ram because i think focusing on the main cast is enough for right now lol. 

anyway, potential positions in the blood caste system as well as god tier assignments under the cut!  

so ive definitely thought about this on several occasions and ive seen some heatherstuck content where the heathers are trolls right. the thing is, the color symbolism from both media dont line up. and the heathers being drawn to keep their original colors just doesnt work out with the hemospectrum. like no way is heather chandler a red blood or mutant blood (imo itd make sense for jd to have mutant blood). the heathers being red, yellow, and green blooded would just make them a group of lowbloods and that doesnt fit with the power structure depicted in either canon. 

heather chandler would absolutely have fuchsia blood! i couldnt imagine it any other way. duke could maybe get away with being jade blooded because thatd put her in the midblood range but also what does that leave for mcnamara? i dont really have a good answer for that right now but - 

the heathers themselves aside, veronica would actually be pretty well suited for being some kind of blueblood (teal or cerulean maybe?) veronica being blue blooded would put her in a position of enough privilege to be taken under chandlers wing but also not privileged enough to naturally be at the top. 

jd would probably be rust or mutant blooded. but its also fun to consider: purple blood? since those in that blood class are more susceptible to becoming more ..unhinged. however, i personally favor rust or mutant blooded since i am partial to reds and it would help play into his hatred of society.

trolls or not though theyd all be destined for something right? so im gonna move onto potential god tiers. 

now this is where my laptop cut out so most of the classpect analyses themselves come with help fom http://dahniwitchoflight.tumblr.com

im imagining veronica as a rogue of space. first of all, space players are CRUCIAL to a session as one of the cardinal aspects (space & time making up the fabric of paradox space). its been said by calliope that space can be a passive aspect that holds great power, “hosting the stage before suddenly in some way ‘showing who the master truly is’” and then collapsing in on itself. space players are essential to sessions because it falls on them to light the forge which is necessary for the process of ultimate alchemy (creating the next universe) - and that aside, the idea of veronica collecting and breeding frogs is incredibly cute to me. 

“Those bound to the aspect of Space are, as the name suggests, concerned with the big picture. They are patient, masters of the art of ‘wait-and-see’, and are inclined to take things as they come. That isn’t to say that they’re pushovers or willing to let injustice lie-they just choose their battles wisely, understanding that sometimes you have to let something burn to the ground in order to build it back better and stronger than before. To this effect, they tend to be innovators, concerned with creation and redemption. Catch them recycling the old to make the new, the fresh, and the beautiful. For the Space-bound, the journey is as, if not more, important than the destination; how they do something is as important as what they do. At their best, they are steady, impartial, and creative. At their worst, they can be detached, apathetic, and vague.”    – this description of space players comes from the extended zodiac quiz itself 

rogues invite theft through their aspect or theft of their aspect. they have problems coping with their aspect or their supposed lack of it, they think that they cant handle it which causes them to give it up too easily. the challenge rogues face is to come to terms with their aspect and own it. 

heres a bit on rogues of space specifically: “They might have a tendency to quickly change the subject into others things or cover their interests up to distract from what they perceive to be their failed creations. They may feel uncomfortable with the thought that everything is random and meaningless in the universe, or that it is what you make of it, because they often think they don’t know what to make of it. They may feel lonely at times and feel like they have too much Space to themselves, wanting to fill it up with other people and things. They might lower their standards to the point that they give up their personal Space to someone not worthy enough, just so they won’t feel alone.On the flip side they might feel like they have too much stuff, maybe because they invite others to use up their Space, giving it away too readily, lamenting their lack of impatience with others, or the ability to say no to people. […] a Rogue’s challenge is to learn to be comfortable with their Aspect, and allow the healthy parts of it to enter their lives. They must learn to be okay with what they have right now, that they have it within themselves to change things and make them better. They don’t have to give up so easily.”

jd seems like hed obviously be a prince of doom and this feels self explanatory but. princes are described as being stubborn and pessimistic and they actively destroy using their class / destroy through their class. a princes challenge is to not end up destroying themselves along the way. doom aspect because not only does it pretty much encompass chaos, but the symbol (and the aspect itself has been speculated to be) pretty clearly draws from The Tumor which is. a giant fucking bomb essentially. another fun tidbit about doom players is that they are DEATH MAGNETS they die a LOT and its theorized that for this reason sburb has a sort of game mechanic in place to help balance that out by granting doom players multiple dream selves. i just think itd be really fun to see a sburb session where jd (maybe) cant be kept down by dying. doom is also associated with judgement and sacrifice, and have been said to be “fates chosen sufferers.” “doom players are wise, kind, and non judgmental at their best and bitter, resentful, and fatalistic at their worst.” 

and while i definitely think the doom class is fitting for jd im stuck between prince and bard? bards are the embodiment of the “wild card”. they allow destruction through their aspect / invite destruction through their aspect and their challenge is to not be ruled by the whims of their aspect. and im just now thinking that while this does make sense in its own way, princes and bards are active / passive opposites and i cant really imagine jd being the more laid back of the two. hes just too extra, lol. although i love the idea of jd being in that ridiculous bard getup 

heres some insight to princes of doom: “A Prince of Doom unapologetically pushes people way past their own limits. They are truly passionate, even almost crazy activists. They hate being told no or that they can’t do something, but are more likely to simply destroy or kill the person who said no then prove them otherwise. Depending on what kind of situation or session they find themselves in, and whether or not what they do is really needed at the moment, they can be heaven sent saviors, freeing people from what binds them, or terrifying dictators, ruling over people and enforcing their will wherever they want, letting nothing and no one limit what they do. […] They likely use Bombs and Fire as their main weapons. They have a lot of potential to go down a very destructive or even evil path if they use their powers irresponsibly, but not every Prince of Doom is automatically evil or will Doom their session.“

heather chandler i can definitely see being a witch of rage. witches manipulate using their aspect or manipulate their aspect directly and their challenge is to use their rule breaking powers in a morally conscious way. 

heres some info about witches of rage: “You don’t tell a Witch of Rage anything, they tell you. Anything you have to say they can Reject with Doubt, Negativity and Skepticism and be like ‘No you’re wrong, it’s actually this way.’ They manipulate fear, mistrust and anger, either lowering it or making you believe it’s not all that bad, even if it is. Or they can amplify it, making you paranoid and afraid of even mundane things. […] They can be ‘loose cannons’ and this can be good or bad, depending on how good you are on getting them on your side and keeping them there. Their entire moral challenge lies in the choice between using their powers on their allies or their enemies, like most witches.”  

heather duke would likely be a maid of mind. a maid creates with their aspect / creates their aspect, and a maids challenge is to rely on themself for their aspect. this absolutely isnt to say that duke cannot think for herself at the beginning of the story by any means.

here’s a bit about maids of mind: “At first they tend to defer to the decisions of the group rather than be a part of them and are more focused on watching and waiting and seeing how other people make decisions. […] When a Maid of Mind starts rising to their challenge, they start deciding for themselves what roles they need to play and when. […] They may just have an apathetic and indifferent personality in general. They start letting their thoughts and decision be known and have an effect instead of just referring to others and blending in.” 

and finally heather mcnamara would probably be a page of heart. (i had a hard time coming up with a god tier for her since, if im being honest, shes not a character i pay much attention to.) pages invite exploitation of their aspect / invite exploitation through their aspect. they start with a deficit in their aspect that they overcome through (obvious) overcompensation. their challenge is to keep at things, even if they fail or the journey is slow, to become stronger in the end. 

bit about pages of heart: “They can be very over dramatic in their emotional displays, blowing up every little thing completely out of proportion and giving disproportionate emotional responses to almost everything. […] They can be easily exploited through all of this by other people who either take advantage of the Page’s emotions and empathy, or take advantage of the Page’s obsessions and desires, using it against them. […] When they rise up to their challenge, they start learning to be more balanced and sincere with their emotions, their affections, and with themselves. They learn how to be passionate, sincere and truly honest with themselves and others.”

and all of this is just SOME of the possibilities of what could happen in a homestuck heathers au. would they all be in the same session? would they all be trolls? would the heathers & veronica be in their own session and jd be in his own session that ends up intertwining together? theres literally SO MANY possibilities when it comes to homestuck aus and i love that shit. 

now that ive spent so much time speculating all this its time to deposit myself directly into the dumpster 

[franeridart]

WHOA BLACK CLOVER HAS AN ANIME NOW I GOTTA GO WATCH IT

Well, only the first episode for now but yeah!!! I can’t wait for my favs to show up aaahhhhhh!!!!!! 

Anon said:Omg, Kirishima, please teach me how to put on eyeliner, your eyeliner game is on point! (Seriously, tho, I love how you draw their eyes and how you draw Kiri in general. He seems so soft. Damn, Bakugou, I'm jealous that you can cuddle him)

THANK YOU!!!! And Kiri has really really pretty lashes in the manga too, doesn’t he? Bakugou too! They have seriously pretty eyes I spend a lot of time trying to get that right when drawing haha still not as good at Horikoshi tho after all, but what can we do~

Anon said:Every time I get a notification you posted something I get extremely happy! That's what your drawings did to me. How can one be so talented.

SOB thank you so much!! You being happy makes me happy so it’s happiness all around!!! What a good!!!

Anon said:Heey!! So I've been wondering... if Aizawa used his quirk on Hagakure would she become visible?? (Btw love your art)

Oh my what a question, I was actually talking about this not too long ago with a friend! And the conclusion ended up being that if her invisibility is a permanent mutation he can’t, but if she can turn it off at will then probably he can too! Right now we still don’t know how exactly Tooru’s quirk tho, so we can’t be sure which is the truth! (I like to think she can turn visible if she wants, but that’s just an headcanon with very little basis haha)

Anon said:Your erasermic art has blessed me 4ever thank u

NAH thank you for liking it and letting me know, man!!!

Anon said:I DIDNT KNOW YOU SHIP ERASERMIC OH MY GOD but seriously you're one of my favourite artists and the fact you like pretty much all the same things as I do is so amazing to me and it makes me so happy because I know that you may draw more of it in the future and I'll get to see more beautiful art if that makes sense lmao thanks for creating stuff 👌👌

Hahahaha yeah it’s one of my top ships in the fandom! Also the only one I read fics for aside from krbk I love them A LOT (and it’s all thanks to my sister who directed my attention towards them a long time ago now, thank you sis) so yeah I’ll definitely draw more of them in the future!!!! And thank you so much for liking my stuff!!!!!

Anon said:Hi! I just want to say I love your headcanon of Aizawa becoming a mentor/role model to Bakugou! Thank you for introducing me to that idea!

YOU’RE MOST WELCOME I’m just a huge huge huge fan of the Aizawa&Bakugou interactions and how much Aizawa cares for him and how much Bakugou respects and trusts him in return, so!!! I’m mostly just pushing on that canon stuff hahaha

Anon said:HORY SHEET BOYO THAT ERASERMIC SHIT IS GOOD SHIT

THANK YOU FRIEND!!!

Anon said:i came to love erasermic thru kiribaku tbh. like i saw erasermic fic in the kiribaku tag on ao3 and i read it for the bg kiribaku (kirishima was such a good boi in that fic ngl) and i was like hey erasermic isnt bad. then i saw your art of them comparing them and i was like hey this is good shit 😁👌👌👌👌👌👌👌👌👌 keep it up pal

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I’ll t r y !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :O

Anon said:Do you think Kyoka and Katsuki could get along? Over their like for punkrock maybe, and their gayness. Kinda like Todoroki and Momo's talks about their tiny crushes.

WHY YES ANON I think they could be the bestest of pals, I’ve actually drawn them together now and again cause I like the idea of them being friends so much - a list of some of the things Bakugou and Jirou do together:

make fun of Kaminari (Kaminari feels attacked and liked it better when Jirou was convinced she didn’t like Bakugou)

share music recs and go to concerts together (when it’s big ones they particularly care for they stand in line The Whole Day and at first it used to be sorta awkward but now being together makes the hours fly)

mutter sass and snark under their breaths to themselves in class and without meaning make the other snort or have to hide an actual laugh (they sit next to each other in class did you know that that’s my fav thing tbh)

say “god, I’m so fucking gay” and answer “mood” whenever Kirishima and Momo, like, exist or do anything equally outrageous

sit next to each other with their phones in hand in silence and at the same time look up with an intense/bored/obviously-judging-sero-come-on-look-at-them expression whenever anyone walks past them (they’re actually playing bullshit app games)

play bullshit app games in co-op or having each other as friends to earn more rewards cause they have a No-Judging policy going on between them that makes sharing this sort of otherwise embarrassing stuff with each other okay

Anon said:Hi!!! I love your art and I just wanted to ask....what band were you referring to when you said Mic named him after the band "eraserhead"? Could you possibly be talking about the filipino band "Eraserheads"?

Yeah!!!!! Tho I’m sorry to let you down anon, but I haven’t actually ever heard much from them (justttt one song two days ago cause I got curious) - I found out about them while looking up the movie!

Anon said:I love how you draw mic with his hair in a bun. It's super cute

THANK YOU!!!! But I can’t really take the merit for that, since that’s how he actually wears his hair (more or less) when he doesn’t gel it up for his hero costume!

Anon said:What is your favorite kiribaku au? :D

Oh boy, I sort of love everything and anything I’ve ever seen/read tbh, I’m a HUGE AU lover!! At the moment to anything with the fantasy AU (and dragon!Kiri is always a super welcome plus) is gonna make me go :O !!!!!!!! hahaha so maybe that, who knows! It’s for sure the one I think about the most!

Anon said:Hellooooo i love your art so much? Especially the bakushimas oh my god (also do you plan on drawing more soul eater *coughs*-deathstar-*coughs* in the future?) Have a good day!!

THANK YOU! And I dunno, maybe! If inspiration strikes, why not!

Anon said:hey guess what i just did... went through your ENTIRE art tag (all the way back to the knb and one piece), i found it really cool to see how your art has developed and see what your fav ship is at a certain time (and how you always come back to bokuroo)

Ah man thank you for spending all that time on my blog hahaha I wouldn’t say I always go back to bokuro though? It’s more like... whenever the manga brings the bokuros back I’m ready to start hyping all over them again hahaha my bokuro periods always happened while they were doing things in the manga, after all~

Anon said:u said u couldnt draw iida, lie of the century. i lvoe u

AHHHHH I’m glad you liked him!!!! I spent lotsa time on him in the past month or so trying to get a grasp on him, so I’m really seriously happy it seems to have paid off!! to quote Todoroki

Anon said:where’s ur faq i’m on mobile

SORRY maybe you already noticed but I added the link in the description! 

Anon said:have you ever thought about if eri-chan can... erase her own quirk?? and would how they might handle it

Actually that’s the first thing I thought when Mirio got his own erased... well, it still depends on what exactly Eri’s quirk does? We sorta assumed she had the same quirk as Chisaki, but they aren’t actually related so who knows? I sure hope she can fix the damage done on Mirio, tho!

Anon said:I ADORE YOUR ART SO MUCH OH GOD HAVE A NICE DAY FRAN

OH MY GOD THANK YOU I HOPE YOU HAVE A NICE DAY TOO!!!

Anon said:Usjeiwiwj oh man, i love cats, my cat relates to urs big time ajsjehej

Cats are such a mess and I love them with all of my heart to be honest hahaha

Anon said:Do u have any, idk idea about traitor!Kaminari? I just imagine how would others react? I think it's hella sad, and still Denki never wanted this, something just go wrong in his life and it's breakin my heart... ARGH, sorry for interrupt you with something like that...

It’s okay, don’t worry about that haha but I can’t say I find the theory possible in the least, so I haven’t really spent time thinking about it at all? I mean, I can imagine it would be full of angst and regrets and a lot of tears and anger mostly from his close friends, but since I just can’t believe this theory I can’t say I have anything specific I can give you on this orz sorry!

Anon said:Who's get jealous and possessive between bakugou and kirishima?

Actually I dunno man, are they possessive and jealous? I feel like they both would like it when the other told them stuff like “I’m yours” or “you’re mine”, but being there complete and utter trust between them they wouldn’t actually be jealous or act in a possessive way... does that make sense? At most I think they’d be insecure in the beginning of their relationship, but once they managed to make it clear that yes, you’re the one I want, no one else, just you then they would have little to no problems in that sense haha

Anon said:So many people seem to misunderstand bakugou and I just really like how you portray him. Good characterization and good art! 💖✨

SOB THANK YOU !!!!! this means the universe to me oh g o d s!!!!

Anon said:Wait!! This isn't your main blog? Omg how did I not know this. What is your main blog (if you're willing to let people from this blog follow it haha)?

AHHHH yeah I have a main one this one is just for my doods!!! the main is @franeridan, if you wanna follow it! I’m mostly just crying over bakugou and kirishima and complaining a whole damn lot about... everything, tho hahaha

Anon said:I'm not the anon but u know the concept that kiri n Baku would meet when they were younger and when Baku was more... violent? (i know that's not the right word, I'm not a native speaker sorry!) Like I think kiri could actually make Baku less of a bully? Considering how much positive impact he had on his personality AFTER it already developed (like idk if this ask makes sense? What do u think?) ◇ (btw putting smth like ◇ was a genious idea ty, idk if u remember that ask tho?)

Yeah yeah yeah yeah!!!!! Actually I’ve been thinking about this A LOT in the past couple of days and my conclusion ended up being that the key would be either for Kirishima to know Bakugou since they were really young OR for him to not attend Bakugou’s same middle school? Like, if they developed their personalities together, having someone like Kirishima around since they were kids could have made Bakugou develop differently, but if we go with the “they met in middle school” scenario then I think Kirishima would have had the same sort of...soothing? Effect on Bakugou only if Bakugou didn’t see him as a threat to his dream of being the only kid from that middle school to enter UA. Well, a scenario in which they had known each other since they were small young babies and Bakugou reached middle school going “the only one from this middle school to enter UA is gonna be me and Eijirou”, that would have been hella cute wouldn’t it hahaha growing up with a notion of us instead of just me would have changed Bakugou a lot, I’m pretty sure :D

[turntechhex]

all of them B)

Significant Other Asks.

okay its under the cut you shit

1. Tell the story about how you met.

the first time avi and i actually spoke was in a stream i was holding and i was just about to close it off because nobody popped in but then he did and then that lead to punk rock points 

2. Was it a gradual increase of trust and love, or was there a specific moment where you knew “I want to be with this person for a long time”?

it was gradual for me but it hit me that i wanted to love him

3. Describe their eyes. Describe their hands. Describe their laugh.

his eyes are really sensitive to the light so he wears his shades a lot but god when he takes them off i get to see his eyes

theyre red and kind of like mine but not in the freaky albino way like mine

his are a beautiful deep red and when i look close enough i can see the little flecks of whatever mixed in

his hands arent scarred and scabbed like mine theyre soft but with a slight toughness to them and when we intertwine our fingers i can really feel that and i love kissing his fingertips just to show him that

and his laugh

god his laugh

i never want to hear anything else

the way it bubbles up and his head falls and his smile is so wide its beautiful 

4. What’s your zodiac sign and mbti type? What about your partner’s? Do things like that reflect your actual compatibility or is it just bunch of bunk?

we are both the same sign and i dunno about that mbti stuff and i dont think any of it works for compatibility its kinda dumb

5. Are you long distance? Have you met in person before? When do you get to see them again?

we live together

6. Tell me a story about a happy experience you two shared. Something that makes your heart warm whenever you think about it.

i had lit a bunch of fancy rose candles and turned out the lights and we just showered each other with so many kisses and then fell asleep together smiling stupidly it was nice 

7. Tell me a funny story. Did they do something silly? Did you do something silly? Talk about your inside jokes.

he always does something silly

he has this silly smile when he falls asleep and apparently when i sleep i look “angry or apathetic as fuck”

sometimes he walks in when im shaving my legs early in the morning with my hair in a bunch of mini pony tails so i can see and he knows hes seen a demon

8. Are your families supportive? Does it matter if they’re not?

avi doesnt have much of a family other than his sister and i havent met her

and dirk and hal are all ive got and dirk is pretty supportive and i think hal is too 

if they werent it would hurt but i couldnt stop loving him yknow

9. Would you ever have a pet together? Do you already have one?

he has four cats and i have an owl

10. Do you have children together? If not, are you both interested in raising children some day?

we do not but maybe someday i havent really thought about it all too much

11. If they’re having a bad day, what do you do to help?

listen the best i can and do whatever i can

give him space if he needs it

hold him if he needs it

12. If you’re having a bad day, what do they do to help?

he listens 

fuck he listens

he lets me cry and yell or whatever i need to do and he helps me

he lets me talk to him

he is everything to me when im having a hard time 

he knows when to hold me and rub my back and hush me

he knows when to give me space and let me yell

he knows me so well

13. What’s something that your partner does that would be annoying if anyone else did it, but it’s cute when they do it?

he moves a lot in his sleep

he has grabbed my ass on more than one occasion

14. Have you ever went on a vacation or adventure together? Tell me about it. If not, do you have plans to do something fun in the future?

we drive out to the coast sometimes its fun just driving away so yes

15. What’s something that you learned about yourself because of being with your partner?

i learned that im allowed to be confident with my body and im beautiful and nothing anybody can say will crush that

i really started to stop wearing makeup to cover my spots because of him

16. What’s a piece of advice that your partner gave you that has resonated with you? 

“please dont ever talk about corpses in public again”

17. Which one of you kills the bugs (or captures the bugs and places them safely outside)?

me

18. Describe the perfect day with your partner. It can be something that’s already happened, or something that you plan to do.

like i mentioned before just driving out to the coast

both of us laughing the whole way there

his smile as he watches the road that reflects in his eyes

watching the sun set when we finally get there and we just leave the car by the road and nobodys on the beach anymore and i run out to the water with him and it was cold as fuck so we just sat in the sand and held each other and looked up at the moon and he was so beautiful like he is everyday

and then we reluctantly got into the car and drove home mostly in silence expect the whispers of i love you 

and we got back home and fell asleep with smiles on our faces it was perfect 

19. Do you prepare meals together? Does one person enjoy cooking more than the other?

i usually cook when we arent just having eggs

avi isnt the best cook >BP

20. What are the best restaurants to go to? Do you see movies at the theater? Do you do things like golf or bowling, just to bond more?

theres a really not too fancy nice one downtown that we like

we watch movies at home and dont do much of that stuff

21. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something silly. 

the ghost in the kitchen that insulted his butter spreading skills was being annoying 

22. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something serious. How did you compromise? What did you learn?

it was just about family shit it was dumb

we just ended talking

i learned that we both need to talk more and we do now

23. Is there a famous couple, fictional or otherwise, that reminds you (or other people) of you and your partner? 

not really

24. Do you have a shipname?

not that i know of

25. Do you two have a “song”? What is it and how did it become your song?

do we have a song 

26. Has your partner ever inspired something creative like your art, writing, etc?

ive painted him a few times and he helps me with colours and stuff when im stuck

27. Do you have extremely similar personalities and interests? Or extremely opposite? Or is it a balance that just makes sense? How do you try to better understand each other? Do you ever have to experience things you’re not interested in, or vice versa? 

we are pretty similar but other than that its just a good balance

we talk to each other

sometimes i suppose 

28. Has your partner ever changed one of your opinions on morals, politics, society, etc?

i dunno

29. Tell me about a time that you were really proud of them. 

his dance performance in january he worked so hard for that and i brought him roses afterwards and he did so good

30. Does physical affection and/or sexuality have a role in your relationship? Are both of your needs being respected and fulfilled? 

yes we both love physical shit and we make sure that its fulfilled and respected too

31. How often do you talk? On the phone, Skype, in person? Are you two the type that stays up too late because the conversation is too good to end?

we talk and text everyday

32. Talk about your sense of humor, and your partner’s. Do you laugh a lot together? Which one of you is funnier?

we laugh a lot of course

i dont know whos funnier

33. Is there anyone who doesn’t like the idea of your relationship? What’s the reason? How do you and your partner overcome disapproval from others?

not that i can think of

34. Have there been any hardships that have ultimately brought you closer than before?

yeah

there have

35. What’s their contact name in your phone?

my love 💕💕

36. Tell me about what your partner is good at. Are they an artist, are they good at math, do they play a sport, etc?

he is an amazing dancer

37. Get really sappy and gross for a moment. Be so gushy that your friends would groan in mock annoyance if you told them. What’s adorable about your partner? What makes your heart melt? What’s something cute that they did that you’ll always remember no matter what?

david rae strider

he is everything to me

he is my present and my future

he is the rest of my life

falling asleep next to him and waking up next to him is such a privilege and i feel like the luckiest goddamn man in the world to be able to love him

he makes me feel like the happiest man on earth to be able to love him

hes so understanding and patient and he listens to me

his movements are soft and not quick

he comforts me 

he cries and i feel like im bleeding from tha inside out and i want to make sure he never has any reason to sad cry

he cries with a smile and i know that i am so in love with him

he kisses my nose and holds me

he kisses every single one of my spots and tells me im beautiful

he traces my scars on my back my arms my face my legs everywhere and kisses my neck still

he holds my hand in public and does fake proposals for free dessert

he knows all the words to every single grease song and so do i

his voice is so nice to hear and his smile is all ive ever wanted to see

his hair is soft and i like to kiss his stubble cheeks when he doesnt shave for a while

hes cute

hes beautiful

he realizes his mistakes

he bought me roses once and put a note inside that he wanted to have roses like that at our wedding someday

he kisses me without regret

he says that he loves me and i believe him

when he got down on his knees and asked me to marry him with tears in his beautiful eyes and held out a shaky beautiful hand with an earring in it

i knew that i loved this man with my entire being

and i said yes

god i said yes

38. Let’s talk about life goals and hopes. Do you two have a similar idea for the future (regarding careers, getting a home, family, finding meaning)? Do you two make a good team? Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with them?

we are moving into his sisters old place once hes done with school and we are getting married in the summer

we just know we want the rest of our lives to be together

39. Reflecting on all of your experiences, what advice would you give to a young couple? 

talk to each other and dont try and hide important things and your feelings 

dont be stupid but also do stupid things

40. Is your partner on tumblr? Tag them here and write them a small message, it can be anything.

@bromosapiens

ur gross

[stuntchica]

for the kin meme thingy can i just say All of the numbers for saeran and ripple or

meme

you can because i love you

its going under a cut though bc Long

so first saeran. ill do u for this yoosung (ill also use 3rd person for u bc im Telling A Story To The Masses ok)

1:  what's your favorite memory of them?

we used to play video games together a lot, so probably that!! i was really bad at them tbh but yoosung was surprisingly patient with me. like, he’d try to help teach me how to play them better. idk, it was nice & fun

2:  what was your relationship like in canon?

uh well, we didnt really interact that much in canon? except in the bad endings but lets not go there

3:  post/link to your favorite picture of them!

this furry

4:  have you found them? if you haven't, what's something you'd like to do with them when you do?

*points in makos direction* this is yoosung! not confirmed canonmates or anything but tbh id find it difficult to see anyone else as yoosung at this point dhsj (no offence- yall are valid as fuck just, Mako Good Friend)

5:  talk about something they did that meant a lot to you.

honestly just spending time with me meant a lot. being patient and kind and never putting pressure on me. it was nice to be with someone who wasnt saeyoung

6:  do you have a favorite outfit they wore? (post a pic if you want!)

uhhh idk im not sure? yoosung didnt rlly have a particularly great fashion sense (I MEAN it wasnt bad it just wasnt outstanding. it was an average fashion sense???)

7:  do you have any songs that remind you of them, or of you and them together?

i have!! a yoosung mix!! but i need to remake it tbh. i dont have any songs i can think of that remind me of me & yoosung though huh, i should try finding some!

8:  do you have a favorite scene from your canon that they're in?

Every Scene. uhhh but maybe the end of v’s route with rika? that was p cool

9:  talk about a really silly memory of them!

one time we were playing lolol and i Finally got good enough to take on this boss monster and as soon as i was about to win robocat jumped on us. i think yoosung screamed but maybe i just imagined it

10:  talk about a really sad memory of them...

uhhh i dont think i rlly have one?? except maybe bad endings but uh like i said Not Going There

11:  has your opinion of them changed from your canon to now?

i mean not really that much? i guess i relate to yoosung more than i used to, but i still have the same ‘Wow This Is My Close Friend How Cool’ feelings

12:  you get to say one thing to them- what do you say?

ONE DAY ILL GET TO A HIGHER LEVEL THAN YOU ON TATSU AND THAT DAY I WILL BECOME SUPERIOR

13:  name three things you remember they really liked!

lolol, lolol & lolol

14:  have you drawn any art/written any fics of you and them? if you haven't, do you have a favorite from someone else?

...does the vore fanfic count

15:  just talk about them a little, say anything you want!

YOOSUNG GOOD BOY. yoosung. goosung. haha. goo. um. idk man ur a good person and i love u a lot?? ur very important to me, both then & now & im glad we met!!

now time for ripple! again mostly 3rd person bc uhh cool story time

1:  what's your favorite memory of them?

one time after the selection test but before frederica arrived we were testing out the limits of our magical skills together, and i was throwing my shuriken at targets & slowly like, aiming for things further away. i knew theyd all hit so i was mostly just doing it to entertain snow. and every single fucking time i hit my target she clapped?? it was so sweet & kinda funny tbh

2:  what was your relationship like in canon?

'i've only had snow white for a day and a half, but if anything happened to her, i would kill everyone in this room and then myself’, basically

3:  post/link to your favorite picture of them!

these 3!!! (taken from my twitter dhgsj)

4:  have you found them? if you haven't, what's something you'd like to do with them when you do?

*points in makos direction again* again no confirmed canonmates but as u can see mako is all the good kins

5:  talk about something they did that meant a lot to you.

everything lmao. she always wanted to do the right thing, even after everything that had happened, she never stopped wanting to help people. i mean, it made me so fucking scared for her bc i knew shed get herself killed one day, but damn if her dedication to saving people wasn’t impressive

6:  do you have a favorite outfit they wore? (post a pic if you want!)

i mean i only ever really saw her in her magical girl outfit, so i guess that? it was a pretty good outfit though!!

7:  do you have any songs that remind you of them, or of you and them together?

i have an entire mix about our friendship gdhjsf so yes i have Many songs that remind me of us, the biggest one is shattered and hollow by first aid kit!

8:  do you have a favorite scene from your canon that they're in?

i do!! at the beginning of queens, her argument with uluru means a lot to me. not just the parts about me, but when she tells uluru not to put her on a pedestal i just-- i know she was breaking down when she said that, and im sorry for her, but im proud of her for finally saying that. everyone put way too much on her shoulders but at the end of the day she was just a kid

9:  talk about a really silly memory of them!

she talked me into watching cutie healer with her one time. we went to my apartment to watch it, and it wouldve just been normal, except snow... couldnt shut up. she just kept spoiling what was about to happen. then she’d realise she’d spoiled it, apologise, and then continue to spoil it. i couldnt even get annoyed it was just too funny

10:  talk about a really sad memory of them...

yikes um. the whole of the sachiko thing

11:  has your opinion of them changed from your canon to now?

not at all. i still think of her exactly as i did then, and still get upset when i think about how much fuckign danger she’s putting herself in?? like god damn snow white can you be selfish for one moment p l e a s e you dont need to keep putting yourself in danger like this??

12:  you get to say one thing to them- what do you say?

stop blaming yourself for shit and stop putting yourself in danger, please!! you deserve to be happy

13:  name three things you remember they really liked!

magical girls, animals and sweet foods in general. she really had the likes of a kid fdhj

14:  have you drawn any art/written any fics of you and them? if you haven't, do you have a favorite from someone else?

i have drawn some stuff of snow but i think mostly just memes?

15:  just talk about them a little, say anything you want!

i love snow white so much. she was so important to me and she still is! she was so kind and supportive and ik i saw it as my responsibility to protect her, but damn was she protective too. im so proud of everything she accomplished & im pissed at the universe for consistently taking her friends away from her. let the damn girl be happy for longer than 5 minutes??

[swampgallows]

something inside me has been killing me for years and i can’t pinpoint what it is and i don’t know how to make it stop.

i guess i could have been working all of this time. i’ve wasted a lot of time since i stopped working. i told my parents i was going to be working on my writing and my art and my DJing and i have barely done any of that. i havent been able to write my next chapter for months. nothing has come to me. and the story is a stupid fanfiction so it’s not really worth anything, it’s not like i’m working on the next great american novel or whatever. i havent finished the illustrations i wanted to do for my zine so i haven’t released that yet either. im barely scraping by on gift art. it took me 5 months to order the lathe cut for myself but i did finally do -that-. and im barely on the second section of coding. everything feels so difficult and i can’t focus on a single thing at a time. i’ve been trying to figure my life out but all of my avenues seem empty.

last night i thought if i could pretend to be someone else that wanted to take care of me, i would be able to take care of myself. after an entire day of not eating, around 1am i guess i finally got something to eat. i’d had “drinkable yogurt” earlier but this was actually semi-solid food i was making. soup and grilled cheese. i spent enough time outside with the dog that i got a little chilled and figured i’d have that. nothing sounded appetizing. as i was sitting outside with xena i kept seeing things move and flash in the night and froze up with terror. they werent real, of course, but i saw them anyway. little spirit beasts flitting through the darkness.

i’ve been trying to keep my head above water. part of me knows that i really wouldnt be able to have kept working. i would have snapped at somebody or been Too Ill. i would have shown too much, the non-professional me. there is no professional me. i feel like no matter how hard i’d try, even if i wanted to, i would always be tangentially askew from the pulsing Thing to which everyone else is tied. i cannot ever be part of this Thing that everyone else is part of. I dont think it’s the kind of thing that dropping E and suddenly feeling the Unity or whatever will solve. i dont think a rush of endorphins will make me feel like i belong to society. i feel like i am a liminal entity and i have to exist in an in-between state or i will cease to exist at all. i dont fully know what i mean by that except that i feel like i must always be on my way somewhere. i would rush out of work and class and anywhere else, i walk anywhere i can and listen to music and check out mentally and physically from everything else. i live in my head where it is safe, and that is not safe. the internet is almost like a real version of this; existing as a liminal, safe, curated Self, a self away from the self, a place detached from my body and lifestyle and anything else. its a great equalizer where everybody has a say no matter where or who they are. 

i have written for over ten years now that i want to run away. i suppose i want to run away from myself but i’m not sure how true that is anymore. i dont know where i want to go. i have no destinations. just “away”.  i’ve been wanting to go to rotterdam for half of my life. i had always wanted to travel, of course, but there was never anything i wanted to actually do or see except to one day go to the netherlands and go to a nightmare in rotterdam or something like that, and now it’s finally happening. and it’s bigger than Nightmare, it’s THUNDERDOME. i never thought i would have the chance to go to a Thunderdome party in my lifetime but i’m alive and it’s happening and it’s like i cant even envision what i want to do or anything. i just want to get there, and be there, and exist in a place that isn’t here, and look at clouds, and smell different air, and see different buildings, and then dance my balls off all night to some really, really, really great music. this should feel like my wedding day but instead i just feel ...hard. i feel like i dont deserve it, or like it’s not actually going to happen, or like i will just ruin everything, or that somebody else will. 

nate was talking to me about all of these self-started self-accomplished people he’s been hanging out with and how he feels so pressured by their sheer level of success. he is also self-made and successful but feels like he’s supposed to be even more so. i dont know if i want success. i dont have anything to succeed at. 

my friend, who is an older friend but i had to keep at arm’s length a while, has come back into my life recently to help me with coding. granted, he’s drunk 99% of the time he talks to me, but he’s at least trying to encourage me to stick with it. he always wants to voice chat with me but i usually dont have the energy, or i’m doing something else. he keeps telling me about all the success i could have—”it's a journey but it's well worth it, and it's just a topic that you'll never exhaust as long as you live, which is true of the best topics worthy of devoting time to, and you're super smart, you'll have no issue with this -- just keep it up over a couple of years, just chipping away at it, and the career that's ahead of you could be so interesting”—and i feel like i just... don’t care. about any of it. about anything. sure i’d like to make/have a lot of money, i guess, just to keep my comforts. but then what? im living with my parents who i know actually do care about me, but don’t seem to, or just “support” me. 

when i finally got up the courage? stamina? delusion? to pretend to be someone else and grill me a cheese, i was feeling a little okay. i was feeling proud that i took initiative to at least fucking feed myself, since i barely seem capable of doing that. i was keeping up steam until i heard my mom crying from another room, “Where’s my baby girl? is that my baby?” and i knew she wasnt talking about the dog, and my heart dropped through my chest and i just wanted to die. “What do you want?” i snipped, trying to answer her but unable to hide my contempt apparently. “I just wanted to see you” or some such shit, i dont even remember what she said. “can i help with anything?” no “may i hug you?” (at least she asked) i don’t want to be hugged right now. “okay. im sorry you’re so unha--that youre not feeling good--- i hope you feel better...” and she hobbled away.

it was like 130 in the morning and i was standing over “45 calorie” wheat bread that had been thawed. my illusion of being someone that i was not—someone who gave a shit about me—was broken, and i felt like a fucking idiot, and i felt caught in the act of pretending, and i felt embarrassed, and i felt like... how dare i try to be something im not. how dare i imagine for even a fucking moment that im not genetically and financially and whatever the fuck else chained to this fucking family and all of my inherited neuroses and everything else. that she made an appearance specifically to disrupt whatever the fuck it was i was doing. because she had offered to cook me a thousand things and i didnt want any of them, and i didnt want her to take care of me, because im never going to be able to take care of myself, and when i finally took a course of action to actually try to feed myself my mom couldnt STAND it, apparently, and had to, still, offer to “help” when im MICROWAVING A CAN OF SOUP AND PUTTING BREAD ON A PAN. how could she HELP? she couldnt. she just had to fucking make her presence there because god forbid i do a single fucking thing on my own. i’m... 27 years old... for christ’s sake... i dont need “supervision” to toast some kraft singles onto bread... and if i did, i would ask.

or maybe i wouldnt. im not good at asking for help. even when i know i need it. i dont like owing people things or asking for favors. it just proves how worthless i am and that im dependent on other people and cant do anything by myself and that anything i do by myself fucks up. at least if i fuck up whatever it is i’m doing i wont have to drag anybody else into it. 

so i finally ate and after a few hours of cramps and being unable to even eat without feeling like i was gonna throw up, i spent like an hour in the bathroom regardless, immediately purging whatever it was i dared to eat. 

i dont know how to get better. part of me is afraid of getting better. if i have a good thing it will just be ruined. all i do is hold people back and im tired of getting in people’s way. im tired of making a bunch of wrong decisions and then half the time not even being able to own them. im tired of feeling like life is just happening to me and knowing that i dont have control over anything.