#imagine having a solid top nine list could literally never be me

[woulddieforperrytheplatypus]

*"favorite" is to be used loosely because it's really hard to pick a top nine

incentive to reblog: this link to a google drive folder of 137 Phineas and Ferb songs (a few are from MML ngl) cut and downloaded by yours truly years ago for your listening pleasure. download and listen to your heart's content.

[mr007pennyworth]

Feeding Barry Headcanon

“Is this a bad time to bring up my blood sugars?”

If there was one thing Bruce had to make sure he calculated for when he built the Justice League was making sure his speedster didn't go hungry. 

Money, was never the issue, the real issue came about making sure Barry had someone TO MAKE SURE he was eating enough to cope. 

On an average day, just from watching Barry consume a full 18 inch pizza by himself and a guess from looking at the details of some of the foods he’d listed online, that he and Alfred would have there hands full.

Well, more Alfred. 

Cue, Alfred. 

When Bruce explained Barry’s apatite to Alfred at first, he didn't quite see the issue, Bruce downed 3,500 calories a day most of it just proteins so, another mouth to feed wasn’t all that hard, Dick had been on the same by the time he’d hit 16. 

But when Bruce ran the simulation of Barry’s metabolism on the computer, they both began to panic. 

How was a boy his age managing to feed himself the MINIMUM of DOUBLE Bruce’s calories a day on his budget?!

Alfred came to the conclusion that unless Barry ate roughly 7,000 calories a day at minimum, he’d start losing weight. 

Bruce was in the trash in ten minutes, digging up the MacDonald's takeaway containers he’d bought Barry just that afternoon. 

He’d given the kid his card and said go. Now he sat here with the boxes of 3 Bigs Mac’s, 6 double cheeseburgers, 3 packets of large fries, 20 chicken nuggets, a black coffee, a large irn bru and 5 apple pies. That was roughly 9,087 calories from what they could add up from the nutritional info. 

That was LUNCH. That was...Barry’s minimum daily needs and only $50 out Bruce’s pocket. 

$50, was pretty much Barry’s budget for THREE days of meals not just one. 

Bruce went to argue with Barry that he needed to move in, Alfred managed to stop him. 

Barry was all grown up and had been independent for too long to allow Bruce to walk into his life and smother him. 

But something had to be done. 

It took awhile but Barry did move in with some carefully plying by Alfred and the Butler managed to start tracking his food intake.

By making sure Barry got 6 meals a day for his 7,000 calories out of Bruce’s pocket, letting Barry add the rest became routine. 

Breakfast, Brunch, Lunch, Afternoon Tea, Diner and Supper, Alfred was finally back to using his cook books that had been gathering dust. 

Each meal had to have 1,160 calories and 30g or more of proteins to be any use to Barry’s development. Now, Alfred could have just given the boy a lump of cash and let him go bonkers on fast food, but the fat’s and sugars were the bigger hurdles, as much as it met his calories and his proteins in meat from burgers...it didn’t meet everything else. 

Barry’s malnutrition he found didn’t just come from the lack of food, it was the lack of the RIGHT foods. Even though Alfred balanced all six of Barry’s meals a day to cater for vitamins and such it wouldn’t be enough in places, that was where medication would have to come in, now he finds one afternoon after offering the boy some ibuprofen, that they didn’t work, his metabolism swallowed the effects in just a few minutes. Even tripling the dose, it was out of his system in just 12 minutes. That ment that to account for the speed at which his body used it’s building blocks everything had to be at least TWENTY times the rate of a normal human every day just for Barry to get a close enough dose of his nutrition. 

To put into perspective, an average male needs 500ug of Vitamin D a day, thats...30 minutes of sun. Barry, on the other hand needed over 10,000 a day just to function. Something that was easily helped with him being able to travel, a couples of hours in Australia and he’d get a solid top up, but running back ment using his powers, ment burning his body’s reserves, it was one hell of a game. Tablets, were Alfred’s go to. Ten dissolvable multi vitamin tablets in a 2 liter bottle of OJ a day and Barry was good to go, with his meals included, Alfred was glad to see Barry starting to look better after the first few months. 

Until, he wasn’t.

Going to work without breakfast, had Alfred concerned, but he had his packed brunch and lunch, he had his extra cash for snacks. To find that the lunch had only been half eaten when he came home was massive question mark.

Dinner Time...he said he wasn’t hungry and Alfred had him dragged towards the cave in just a moment. 

Just the ONE day of not eating his minimum calories and all the work that they had progressed on was fading. Barry still as much as he’d gotten off his chest about the anniversary of his mothers death, refused to eat. 

IV’s it came too then. 

Dragging the boy back upstairs, he handed him off to Bruce who situated him in his room while Alfred set about getting Barry on some IV drips.

Barry muttered on about the fuss but didn't fight Bruce keeping him in the bed as Alfred put IV catheters in both arms. 6 bags of 20% dextrose fluids wouldn’t do the job his meals should have but it would prevent him from going hypoglycemic for the rest of the day. In the mean time, Bruce set about finding his weak spot, his food weak spot. Now Barry liked a lot of food, he liked many different foods and Bruce was pretty willing to pay anything for him to eat something. 

He returned a few hours later with takeaway Chinese food , Indian Food , Italian food as well as three large pizzas, Mexican food meals, nearly every MacDonald's burger, Fried Chicken bucket meals, Kebabs, 48 Krispy Kreme Dounuts, nine different 12 inch sub sandwiches, Frozen meals from several different supermarkets and even a huge three tier chocolate cake. Bruce had been about to run back out of the door when he recalled a Brazilian takeaway just outside of town as well as another chicken shop when Barry came out of his room pulling the IV stand with him woken up at all the kerfuffle Alfred was making. 

“Master Bruce it’s midnight I doubt the boy is going to eat”

Barry, pulling out the IV’s then sat down at the table quietly as they argued, looking over everything Bruce had bought him slightly shy of the money he could imagine he’d spent. A smile broke out on his face at the sight of the brown bag. 

“He’s just started gaining weight, Alf if he doesn't-” “I’m fully aware, Bruce look, one day won't kill him, the IV’s will hold on off the worst of the hypo-”

*crunch* 

They turned to see the boy happily munching prawn crackers. 

Alfred pretty much dropped to the sofa in relief. Bruce just started laughing before pulling out a chair to sit opposite the speedster who was now eyeing up the cake as he packed prawn crackers into one of kebabs. 

Nobody said a word until Barry had consumed at least five of the items on the table and paused for a can of lemonade. 

“Barry?”

The pup looks up to Alfred on the sofa who was sat with a cup of tea, paper work spread out across his lap as Bruce sat beside him with a his laptop. It was just past one one in the morning. 

“Promise me something?”

Barry paused in reaching for the rice pot next to the Korma to indicate he was listening. “When this happens again, you’ll tell me when you’ll eat again before giving us a heart attack won’t you?”

The younger nodded and fought the laugh he almost made at Bruce getting whacked with the folder in Alfred’s hand at his old man response. 

Suddenly, Curry wasn't what he wanted. He’d had a kebab, a pizza, three burgers, a subs sandwich and a whole bucket of chicken...he needed something sweet, picking up one of the boxes of dounuts he pads over to the sofa dropping himself between Alfred and Bruce who shared an intrigued look, Barry picks a dounut before pushing the box into Alfred’s lap with a cheeky smirk. 

Alfred sighs, the boys puppy brown eyes were too hard to resist and picks one out putting it in his mouth before passing the box back over to Bruce, the vigilante grimaced and went to give them back but caught Barry’s look of confusion. 

“Okay, okay, just one, I guess it won’t ruin my diet” 

Grabbing the remote, Alfred passes it to Barry as he puts away the paperwork, Bruce does the same tucking away the laptop and watches as Barry flicks for a movie. 

“Coffee, Dounuts and bad horror movies at one in the morning...I guess it beats being out in the rain eh” Bruce laughs licking chocolate off his fingers as Barry snuggles into Alfred’s side. 

“It’s perfect” Barry smiles around a mouthful of dounut, pulling a face as Alfred goes to wipe the caramel dripping off his chin. 

Feeding Barry was always going to be a challenge, but for our vigilante and Butler Dad, it was worth it just to see him happy. 

[loopy777]

What’s your favorite composition by John Williams? And if you can’t choose just one, list your top 10.

My personal favorite is “Welcome to Jurassic Park,” the finale and credits music for the original Jurassic Park. I love the Jurassic Park theme, and this is a great suite of it combined with the ‘island theme.’ I like it even better than the concert versions of the same combination, as I think those are performed too quickly, even when Williams conducts.

And since I love talking about this, I’m also going to keep going for a top 10! Yay!

“Adventures on Earth” (from ‘E.T. the Extra Terrestrial’): Again, this is the finale and credits, which touches on all the great themes from the movie and includes the big, rousing, emotional climax. It’s funny- just two days ago I was talking about how everyone was comparing the end of Mandalorian Season 2 to the ending of E.T., and I speculated that the reason it didn’t work as well for me as everyone else is because Ludwig Göransson, while a great composer, just doesn’t do that Spielberg-sentimentality as well as Williams. But then, no one does.

“A New Hope and End Credits” (from ‘Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith’): I’m cheating with this one. I love the Star Wars music. It’s what made me aware of John Williams in the first place, and it got me to realize that the reason I wasn’t excited by all the pop music that my peers were into wasn’t because I disliked music- I just didn’t like that music. Star Wars taught me that I like the full, complicated performance of an orchestra, that the different sounds of the various instruments intrigue me more than lyrics (which I have to concentrate to understand), and that I like storytelling in music. Star Wars is probably the ultimate expression of that in the career of John Williams, not just because of how thematic it is, but also the breadth afforded by his doing nine movies spread across over 40 years. So how do I pick something to represent that? The main theme? The recurring Force theme? A suite? Yes, I have to go with a suite. But which one? I went with the one from the finale of ‘Revenge of the Sith’ for several reasons. It includes nice expressions of the themes of Leia and Luke, referencing the classic trilogy. It has “Battle of the Heroes,” which I consider one of the standouts of the prequel trilogy. And, for the soundtrack release, this suite includes pretty much all of the expanded version of “The Throne Room” from the very first Star Wars movie, which I feel was a great way for John Williams to take a bow at the end of a trilogy that can be criticized for many things but absolutely not the soundtrack. (By comparison, the soundtrack release for ‘Rise of Skywalker’ was a bit of an anti-climax, as Williams’ last Star Wars movie. That should have included a whole second CD that’s just an hour-long suite of music from the entire 9-film saga! Disney could have afford to take a loss on it! If they’re not going to release properly restored versions of the full series’ soundtracks, they owe to the John Williams fans!) And, of course, there are multiple expression of the Force theme in this piece, from the ‘binary sunset’ final scene of the movie itself to the B-segment of “Battle of the Heroes” to various parts of “The Throne Room,” and that theme might very well be the signature of the series at this point, since it has meaningful recurrence throughout the saga. The main Star Wars theme is Luke’s theme, and is reused throughout the saga as callbacks and call-forwards to that same kind of heroism, but George Lucas kind of messed up the focus there when he expanded things with the prequels. So the Force them is really the dominant theme in the saga, and that’s appropriate. I probably could have selected just the Force theme for this, but by cheating and picking a suite, I get other stuff, too, and get to acknowledge the prequel-era music (which is arguably superior to Williams’ work on the classic trilogy), so it’s a win all around.

“Out to Sea / The Shark Cage Fugue” (from ‘Jaws’): I think we have to recognize that John Williams has made an indelible mark on all of human culture- it is impossible for us include a shark in our media without a pulsating musical motif. He has literally defined the sound of sharks in our imagination. Even so, I think the soundtrack to Jaws is under-valued; sure, everyone knows the shark theme, and there’s no big thematic stuff like in Star Wars or super-emotional stuff like in most of the Spielberg scores, but it’s still a great soundtrack with really solid adventuring music that’s so wonderfully lively and fun to listen to. This suite is a great example of that, mixing samples from the second half of the movie with lighthearted moments, some of the more action-y chase music, and some darker stuff like when the ship is destroyed by the shark. I’ll often just whistle parts of this for fun even if I haven’t listened to the soundtrack or watched Jaws in over a year.

“The Visitors / Bye / End Titles” (from ‘Close Encounters of the Third Kind’): People are sleeping on this soundtrack, let me tell you. It starts out with weird alien sounds and standard action music, but the ending -- where mankind makes peaceful contact with aliens via the medium of music -- is one of the standouts of Williams’ entire career, one of the greatest examples of that Spielberg sentimentality. I find this music to be absolutely glorious, majestic and full and transcendent. The little joke of having an instrumental recurrence of “When You Wish Upon A Star” along with the ‘five tones’ motif is something I find actively amusing- wish upon a star, and alien life with reach out in response! XD I wish I could have linked to some of the alternate arrangements from the restored 40th Anniversary release from La La Land Records, because they’re absolutely fabulous and I love blaring them on my car’s speakers, but it seems that no one has pirated and posted them on Youtube. WHAT ARE PEOPLE DOING WITH THEIR TIME?!

“Remembering Childhood” (from ‘Hook’): Look, I don’t care what people think of the movie. I haven’t even watched it all the way through in over a decade, probably. But this is one of Williams’ best scores, no fooling. I want a 5-CD expanded soundtrack of this thing with every second of music from the film, the stuff that was recorded that didn’t make the final cut, alternate versions of the stuff that was used, etc. I love this music. Every moment is great. And Remembering Childhood is one of the standouts; it uses the main flying theme at the end, and the beginning is a big triumphant instrumental rendition of the “When You’re Alone” song that sounds great. But the showcase is the stuff that accompanies Peter Banning getting his memories back and becoming Peter Pan once again. It’s emotional and reflective and nostalgic and heartwarming. It’s a perfect musical sandwich.

“Prelude and Main Title March” (from ‘Superman’): Just like John Williams invented the sound of sharks, he invented the sound of cinematic superheroes with his score for Superman. It’s the perfect embodiment of the first and ultimate superhero, and everything that’s been written for the character since has either been a pale imitation or a deliberate attempt to do something different (to lesser effect). And I love the exuberant sound it has, like it’s shouting, “It’s Superman!”

“Love Theme” (from ‘Superman’): Two from Superman?! I didn’t even mange to fit two from Star Wars and had to resort to a suite! (Not that Superman isn’t one of Williams’ best. It’s great.) However, I feel like I had to include this one. Lots of movies have love themes, and Williams himself has written a bunch. But IMO the Love Theme From Superman is the best of them. I’ve never been in love and I don’t ever expect to be, but I have to imagine that this is what love sounds like.

“Theme from Schindler’s List”: There’s a lot of music on this list that’s warm and positive and exciting, but John Williams is also great at quieter stuff, without losing any of emotion. I think the theme from ‘Schindler’s List’ is probably the preeminent example of that, perfectly mournful and full of the proper sound, a unique sound that’s completely unmistakable. Of course, Itzhak Perlman‘s performance is a huge part of that. The theme is still good when played by others, but there’s something special about Perlman’s rendition.

“A New Beginning” (from ‘Minority Report’): Another finale, but this one isn’t a summary of the rest of the movie’s music like the others. It’s a fairly stand-alone piece, but I just love the sound of it. I’m never getting married and I don’t dance, but this is totally going to be the music for the first dance at my wedding reception.

If anyone else has favorites from John Williams’ oeuvre, feel to reply or reblog with additions. I’d love an excuse to re-listen to those.

[betterthinkaboutittwice]

Andrew’s Top 10 Kpop Title Tracks of 2018

Hello again, it’s me. Yes, I’m still trying to make this a thing. Nobody cared in 2015, then my 2016 list got a decent amount of notes, then that dropped off by a lot for my 2017 list, so we’ll see what happens this time. I hope there’s even a couple folks out there that enjoy reading this, but even if there’s not, I still enjoy putting it together and writing it, so here we are. Quick refresher on how this works, I limit myself to title tracks (and/or songs that have a MV and were promoted), link their MVs, and then give a quick write-up of why I picked them, all listed in descending order from 10 to 1. I’ve changed the name from “Top 10 Songs” to “Top 10 Title Tracks” because I’m thinking of doing a separate list for b-sides or non-Korean releases. On that note, let’s get it; list under the break~

10. KHAN - I’m Your Girl?

The tenth spot on my list is always a dogfight, and my honorable mentions list is always long. This year, the debut song for KHAN (composed of former The Ark members Jeon Minju and Euna Kim) won the fight, and I’m not gonna lie, a solid part of why is based in the gay undertones of this song and MV (and honestly, they’re really not undertones, the lyrics are pretty frank about it). Honestly, though, I just really adore the chemistry Euna and Minju have always had together, and I’m so happy they’re back making music together. I’m Your Girl isn’t the fanciest song out there, but it is a bop and a half and will definitely be one of the songs I think of in future when I remember 2018.

9. gugudan - Not That Type

At spot nine, there was another fight, but it was between songs by the same group. The loser of that song will appear in my honorable mentions later. As for the winner, Not That Type was something I’d been hoping gugudan would do ever since they debuted. Their Produce 101 trio (Sejeong, Mina, Nayoung) have always had a certain sass and badassery about them, and even in previous comebacks you could see the other members had it in them, too. This is the song they needed to let it out, and boy did they. This track and MV had an attitude we don’t see much as of late, and the song managed to have that attitude without seeming try-hard or having an overplayed sound. One particular thing it did that I really liked was how it never entered the chorus the same way or on the same beat, keeping the listener on their toes. All in all, a breakout song for gugudan that had to make my list.

8. IZ*ONE - La Vie en Rose

This song, at number eight on my list, took some growing on me. When it came out, I never pictured it being on my Top 10 of the year. In fact, I didn’t even think I’d listen to it much at all. However, there’s just something about it, something about the chorus, that made it unforgettable to me. It worked its way into my brain and wouldn’t leave. Still to this day it won’t leave. It’s quickly become one of my most-played songs of the year. I followed Produce 48 all the way through, and while I wasn’t entirely satisfied with the final lineup, I must say they’ve really grown on me. Whoever produced this song did a brilliant job, because each member has a part that fits them like a glove, and no one really feels either over or under-exposed (though I could certainly ask for a couple more lines for Nako). Just a very solid song from a dynamic group that deserved to make my list.

7. Sunmi - Siren

Dropping in at spot number seven for the second year in a row is everyone’s favorite lesbian and best follow on twitter, Sunmi. Does she release anything other than bops? I think not. She revealed recently that this song was actually originally a Wonder Girls production, and released a quick snippet of the original recording from WG as a band in 2016. While I most definitely wish we could’ve heard the full group’s take on Siren, I’m glad Sunmi revisited the track and made it her own, ‘cause it’s really a stroke of catchy genius. Get away outta my face! More like get away outta my head. I just could not justify keeping this song off my list, not with how often I find myself subconsciously singing or whistling it.

6. WJSN - Save Me, Save You

Another artist that released multiple jams this year, WJSN comes in at number six. While I loved Dreams Come True, there was just something very special about Save Me, Save You. It felt like they finally nailed their sound again. The last time they truly hit it on the head was with Secret, and it feels like they’ve been trying to get back there ever since. Well, they did it here. This track has exactly that dreamlike quality to it, that beautiful cosmic sound that their name would lead you to expect. Add in nearly properly balanced line distribution (except for Dawon, #JusticeForDawon), and a particularly interesting choreography, and you’ve got a recipe for one of the best songs of the year. With their next comeback on the horizon, I’m hoping they can continue the trend.

5. (G)I-DLE - Hann

IDLE really leapt onto the scene in 2018 with their debut, but it’s their followup effort that makes my list at spot number five. The main thing I can say about IDLE is that, as rookies, they have no business being this good. They’re all incredibly talented, their stage presence is off the charts, and both of their title tracks thus far are certified bops. Rookies don’t do that! Yet, here they are. The chorus of Hann is simply unforgettable, both musically and visually. Vocals, raps, visuals, choreo, this song has everything you could ever want and it has them in spades, which is why it leads off the top half of this list.

4. GFriend - Time for the Moon Night

It wouldn’t be a kpop Top 10 without GFriend on it, and here they are at number four. If you’ll recall, I was probably the world’s biggest fan of their first “different” release, Fingertip, naming it my Song of the Year in 2017. TFTMN arrived as their second effort at a more mature concept, and I think they really killed it here. Not only is this track a more mature GFriend, but it is also still very distinctly GFriend. For their entire career, these girls have had a sound all their own, and TFTMN proved unequivocally that they can maintain their signature sound while striding into new conceptual territories, and for that alone it would make my Top 10 of 2018. It certainly isn’t hurt by the fact that the chorus is incredibly memorable, the melancholy-yet-upbeat tone is right up my alley, and the choreo is dope as hell.

3. fromis_9 - Love Bomb

The song that made me fall all the way in love with what is now essentially my second bias group comes in at number three. Honestly, I was actually expecting this to be my Song of the Year for 2018, but a couple other songs reminded me who’s boss. That’s to say nothing against Love Bomb, of course. I mean, imagine a single song making you fall head-over-heels in love with a group whose names you didn’t even know! Going into this release, I legitimately only knew Gyuri (from Produce 48) and Jiwon (way back from SIXTEEN). Now, a couple months later, I know them all better than I ever thought I would. As for the song, this is honestly one of the happiest songs that came out this year. By that I mean that it never fails to put me in a good mood. There’s just something truly special about this song. Moreso even than the song, it’s the girls’ singing; they have a way about them, where they always seem to put feeling into how they deliver lines. I can feel this song, and it wouldn’t change that even if there were no instrumental included; their singing is so incredibly emotional, it’s just special.

2. Chungha - Roller Coaster

The earliest release to make it on my list this year, coming in at number two is one of the bops of a great month of January, Roller Coaster by Chungha. I’ll be honest, this song really had a good argument for being #1 on the list. If producers went into the studio and said “we need to make the perfect song for Andrew,” this is what would’ve come from it. It’s funny, actually, because if you go back to when this was first released, I was lukewarm on it, but now it’s one of my most-listened to songs. The song has nearly every musical element that I love; it’s got that retro sound, those good synths, a gorgeous voice, upbeat, catchy, great choreo. I couldn’t ask for any more, other than to have her do more songs in this style because she absolutely kills it.

1. Red Velvet - Bad Boy

January was truly a great month for kpop songs, and Red Velvet’s Bad Boy has stood the test of time, making it all the way from January to year-end to claim the title of my Song of the Year for 2018. As I said when Bad Boy dropped, “Well fuck. Good luck, literally everyone else. I don’t see this being passed up as my song of the year for 2018.” Here we now stand, and that holds true. I said that Roller Coaster is the perfect “me” song, and it is. Bad Boy, though, is the perfect “me” song for my other main love in kpop; laid-back R&B. Everyone always seems to love the Red side of their music more, but I’ve always been about the Velvet side, and Bad Boy really gave me the perfect Velvet song. It’s everything I ever wanted from Red Velvet, and I’m not sure they’ll ever pass it up for me.

We’re at the end! As always, if you’ve read to this point, I love you, I thank you, and bless you. I’m not a professional writer or music critic, but I love putting together this list every year, and even if only one person reads it and finds it truly interesting, then it was worthwhile. I’m very proud of this list and the work I put into it, and I just hope y’all enjoy it. I began this list on January 1st, but it is now the 2nd (this seems to be a theme for me with this). That said, I wish you all a happy new year, and here’s to another great year of kpop!

Honorable Mentions

MOMOLAND - Bboom Bboom, gugudan - The Boots, CLC - Black Dress, Jeon Soyeon - Idle Song, J-Hope - Daydream, NCT 127 - Touch, DAY6 - Shoot Me, TWICE - Dance the Night Away, SNSD-Oh!GG - Lil’ Touch, Oh My Girl - Remember Me, TWICE - Yes or Yes, Yubin - Thank U Soooo Much, MAMAMOO - Wind Flower

[thatmasquedgirl]

The Obligatory Ocean’s Eleven AU Idea

@sakura-blossom62 I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY BECAUSE I’VE SPENT ALL NIGHT DOING THIS SHIT

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME I THINK MY BRAIN IS BROKEN

I HAVE BEEN SPIRALING FOR HOURS NOW AND I WILL NEVER BE OVER THIS.  CAN YOU EVEN IMAGINE THIS BEAUTY BECAUSE HOLY SHIT NOW I WANT IT

OKAY HERE WE GO COUNT ALL 11 OF THEM WITH ME:

1. Oliver Queen

You bet your ass Oliver Queen is Danny Ocean in this scenario.  Because of course he is.  He’s the thinker, the leader, the planner, the tactical mastermind.  He’s the one who knows his strengths, his weaknesses, his limitations.  And he can be so damn charming when he wants to be.  Think of like a Breaking News!Oliver, but with less angst and more sass.

The man has a supernatural ability to network with everyone.  It doesn’t matter where he is--dinner party, soup kitchen, behind a rock on the moon--he has this uncanny ability to look like he belongs.  There’s this charisma that just naturally sucks people in.

And people generally like him.  Even when they don’t, there’s something about him that makes him impossible to say no to.  Because of those qualities, he has this network of Useful People that he can go to for help in different situations, whether they’re security guards or strippers or card dealers.  Literally anyone you can imagine owes Oliver Queen a favor or two.

When the story starts, he’s just getting out of jail.  His last heist went bad.  One of his former team members, Slade Wilson, sold him out, so Oliver has been in jail for five years, brooding and manipulating.  This betrayal costs him five years of his life and his wife.  Laurel divorces him approximately 2.5 seconds after she finds out.  At first he’s heartbroken--and still is--but he shuts himself off in true Oliver fashion and decides it’s better this way.

This gives him more time to plan his revenge.

Because he is going to get revenge.  Oliver is a big name in the criminal underworld, and he didn’t get that way by being passive.  So if you screw him, he is going to make you regret the day you were ever born.  Which is why it’s time to take Slade down.

The problem is that Slade knows Oliver’s entire team.  So he has to recruit new ones.  New faces make Oliver nervous, but he knows a few who have a solid reputation.

But we’re getting to that.

2. Tommy Merlyn

First, Oliver immediately leaves jail to meet his friend Tommy at his office.  Tommy might not be a criminal, but he makes a lot of money managing his multiple businesses.  His family came from nothing, but now his net worth rivals Oliver’s.  Or what Oliver’s used to be; his assets were seized after everything that happened.  If he’s going to pull of an operation like this, he’s going to need money.

And Tommy is always willing to help.

“How’s life on the outside treating you?” Tommy asks Oliver as he steps into Tommy’s office on the top floor of Merlyn Global.

Oliver smiles at him.  “As good as it can be when my ex-wife left me and then married my best friend.”

Tommy makes a face.  “I’m sorry about--”

“Don’t be sorry,” Oliver replies.  “Just treat her better than I did.  Or I will make you pay.”  Tommy blanches, and Oliver throws him a grin.  “Just kidding.”  He drops into one of the chairs in front of Tommy’s desk.  “I have a business proposition.”

Scoffing, Tommy says, “Ollie, you don’t know a damn thing about business.”  He sits down next to Oliver.  “But I’ll hear you out anyway.  What are friends for?”

“My partner screwed me,” Oliver says without preamble.  “I plan on getting my revenge.  If you can finance it, I can guarantee you a return of around fifteen million.”

Tommy chokes on his own tongue before he blanches.  “Ollie, I love you, but are you out of your goddamn mind?”

Oliver grins.  “Always.”

Shaking his head, Tommy asks, “What the hell are you going to do?”

Tommy has always been involved in Oliver’s heists, but never in a way that can be traced to him.  Oliver makes sure Tommy’s nose stays clean, and Tommy makes sure Oliver has everything he needs.

“Slade Wilson screwed you for the properties his new casinos are on,” Oliver replies, skipping the question altogether.  After all, a good magician never reveals his tricks.  “It cost your two million dollars in court--plus your lawyers’ fees.“  Tommy nods.  “He got the money by turning me in to the feds.”

“Fifteen million and revenge on that dick?” Tommy replies.  “Count me in.  But don’t tell my wife what we’re up to.”

Oliver snorts.  “She’d have to talk to me first.”

3. John Diggle

Oliver’s first stop is a little bar outside Hollywood, where all the up-and-coming actors go to learn about card games for their next role.  It’s a dive and the celebs wouldn’t be caught on camera there, but they still go.

After he makes his way to the back table, Oliver drops five hundreds on the table in front of his empty chair.  They might be celebs, but they play with real money and they won’t complain if Oliver cleans them out.  “I want in,” he says, turning his attention to the guy next to him.  He might be the only unknown face here, but he’s definitely the one in charge.

John Diggle nods once before motioning to the empty chair.  “Have a seat, man.”  Oliver does as Diggle introduces everyone.  Oliver introduces himself in turn as one of the kids deals to the right, like an idiot.

“Deal to your left,” Diggle corrects tiredly.

Oliver tries not to smile.  Shooting fish in a barrel might actually be harder than what he’s about to do.

They all glance at their cards, but one of the guys that Oliver recognizes from an old B-list flick says, “If you don’t mind me asking, Mr. Queen--”

“Mr. Queen was my father.  Call me Oliver.”

“Oliver.  Cool.  If you don’t mind me asking, what do you do for a living?”

“Why would I mind you asking?” Oliver retorts, throwing one of the hundreds on the table casually, as if he blows his nose on these sometimes.  “I just got out of prison, actually.”

One of the women leans across the table.  “Prison?” she asks, licking her lips.  He isn’t unfamiliar with this reaction in some men and women.  When he needs something from them--be it sex or information--it’s a blessing.  Most of the time, like right now, it’s just a pain in the ass.  “Why were you in prison?”

“I stole things,” Oliver replies without any shame.  Diggle glances to him immediately.

“You mean, like, jewels?” another guy asks.

With a straight face, Oliver replies, “Incan matrimonial head masks.”

This time it’s Diggle who asks casually, “Is there any money in those?”

“Plenty, if you can move them,” Oliver says.  He throws down his other four hundreds.  “All in.”

“Fold,” Diggle replies without missing a beat.  There’s a look in his eye that makes Oliver think he sees the game.  When he flips over his cards, all he has is a pair of twos.  “I don’t have the hand for this one.”

One rookie jumps at the chance to out-bid him, but the rest call.  When it turns to him again, he pulls every last dime he owns on the table as though it was nothing more than pocket change.  “Two thousand.”

All five of them leap at the chance to show him up, eagerly throwing out chips.  Once the round finishes, Oliver flips over his cards.  The moment they see the four nines, they all groan and toss their cards.

“Oh, man, I thought you were bluffing!” one cries.

Oliver glances at Diggle before replying, “I don’t bluff.”

After he cashes out his almost twenty grand, Oliver buys a drink at the bar.  He’s been nursing it for about five minutes when Diggle comes up.  “Did you just come to show up my rookies, or do you have a job in mind?”

"You heard of Lian Yu?” Oliver asks.

“That’s the new casino in Starling City,” Diggle replies, eyebrows knitting together.  “You want to knock over a casino?”

Oliver holds up three fingers.

Diggle laughs before taking a drink from his bottle of beer.  “Oh, I gotta see this.  Count me in.”

4. Rene Ramirez

Oliver is at a blackjack table in Las Vegas, playing his third hand in a row when finally the dealer gathers her cards and chips, flashing him a pretty smile.  “My shift is over, but good luck, Oliver.”

He smiles back.  “Thank you.”

A rough-looking man takes her place.  “Hello, sir,” he greets casually.

Oliver extends a hand.  “If I’m going to be here for the next few hours,” he says, “I might as well introduce myself.  Oliver Queen.”  The kid’s eyes light up immediately.  “You must be Rene.”

The kid stops in the middle of opening his cards to give Oliver a meaningful glance.  “I’m sorry, sir,” he replies mechanically, “but you must have me confused with someone else.  My name is Javier.”  He points to his name tag.  “Which you can see right here.”

“My apologies,” Oliver replies immediately.  He grins.  “Table is cold, anyway.”

“I hear the Bellagio is busy after one a.m.,” Rene offers helpfully.

“Good place to get a drink, too,” Oliver replies, grabbing his chips.  “Thanks, Javier.”

At one a.m., Rene sits down next to Oliver at the bar in the Bellagio.  “I have to be careful,” he explains without greeting.  “Rene Ramirez can’t make it past the gaming commission.”  His head tilts to the side.  “Oliver Queen.  They talk about you like you’re some kind of legend.  You have a job?”

Oliver passes him a card with an address, a date, and an estimated payout.  Rene whistles low.  “If you’re interested, be there,” Oliver suggests before leaving.

5.  Nyssa Raatko

6. Dinah Drake

The two women are in yet another argument when Oliver walks up.  One of them is an unfamiliar face, but the other is perhaps too familiar.  Nyssa stops in the middle of her speech, turning to face him with a smile--that smile that’s both friendly and reminds him of a cat who has cornered a canary.

“Husband,” she calls in a lilting voice.

“Thought you only liked girls,” the other woman interjects, crossing her arms.

“All of them except you,” Nyssa replies.

Oliver focuses on her with a hesitant smile.  “Could you...”  He releases a nervous laugh.  “Nyssa, that was one job seven years ago and it wasn’t even legally binding.  Could you stop calling me that?”

“Does that upset your wife?” she asks.

“Ex-wife,” Oliver corrects.

Nyssa shrugs.  “She deserved better than you, anyway.”  She crosses her arms.  “What brings you here?”

Oliver glances at the other woman.  “You haven’t introduced your friend.”

“Hardly my friend,” Nyssa replies with a roll of her eyes.

The other woman retorts, “You’re not exactly my bestie either, bitch.”

“Dinah Drake is my business associate,” Nyssa explains.  “She insists her little toys out perform my driving.  She’s wrong, of course, but she’s quite good at her work.”  She glances back at Drake.  “For an American.”

Drake scoffs.  “You’re not a bad driver for a stuck-up British brat.”

Oliver hands her a card.  “If you want a job, be here.  Both of you.”

“Of course, husband,” Nyssa replies.

Oliver swears in three languages under his breath as he walks away.

7. Curtis Holt

Oliver waits at least three hours for the kid to step out of the FBI surveillance van.  He looks like he should be looking for his parents, but Diggle assures Oliver he’s the best in the business.

When he takes a seat in the cafe, Oliver slides into the booth across from him, saying nothing.  Curtis pulls at his collar before saying, “Hi.  D-Do I know you?”

“Not yet,” Oliver replies, “but you’ll want to.  My name is Oliver Queen.”

The kid’s eyes light up.  “They say you used to be good.”  Curtis winces.  “And that makes it sound like you’re old.  Which you aren’t.  You are definitely not old.  And very hot.”  He holds up his hands.  “I didn’t mean to hit on you.”

Oliver studies him for a long moment, wondering if there isn’t someone else more... stable they might be able to use.  Still, Digg’s judgment has proven very sound thus far.

“I hear you do some jobs under the FBI’s nose,” Oliver finally says.

Curtis tugs at his collar again.  “Are you wearing a wire?” he asks, pulling the knot in his tie loose before tightening it again.  “Because if I ask you if you’re wearing a wire and you lie to me, that’s entrapment.  My testimony wouldn’t be admissible in a court of law.”

“You’re the one working for the FBI,” Oliver points out.  “Are you wearing a wire?”

“Hell no!” Curtis exclaims, too loudly.  Several people turn to look at them, but Oliver just flashes them a smile.  Soon enough they’re all focused on their meals again.  “I just work for the FBI to keep my cover,” Curtis whispers.  “It gives me some room to take on... other jobs.”

“Good.”  Oliver passes him the card.  “Here’s one to consider.”  With that, he rises from the table.

“Nice meeting you, Mr. Queen,” Curtis calls behind him.  “I’m a real fan of your work!”

Somehow Oliver refrains from rolling his eyes.

8. Thea Queen

“We need a grease man,” Diggle points out as they sit down at the tiny cafe.

Oliver only grins before saying, “I have an in with one of the best in the business.  Speedy is always willing to work my jobs.”

“Speedy?” Digg repeats.  “Speedy is one of the best jewel thieves in the world, Oliver.  She’s probably rich from all of those jewel heists.  No way in hell is she gonna--”

He goes silent abruptly as a thin, lithe woman pulls out a chair and slides into it.  “Hey, Ollie,” she greets with a grin, placing her elbows on the table.  “I hate to mess up your sales pitch, but can we do the fast version?  I’m about to meet Mom to go shopping.”

Diggle looks between the two of them, as if trying to make sense of it.  Ignoring him, Oliver replies, “Casino heist.  We’re knocking over Slade’s new place on fight night.  Guaranteed fifteen million.”  He grins.  “Which means nothing to you.”

She leans back in her chair, crossing her arms.  “My trust fund is bigger than that,” she agrees.  “But I’m not taking any summer classes and I’ve already stolen all the good jewels worth stealing, so count me in.  I’m grease man again?”  Oliver nods once, and she groans.  “Fine, but it better be a bigger box this time.

Oliver grins.  “Of course, Speedy,” he assures her.  “You’re not twelve anymore.”

Finally Diggle finds words.  “Are you telling me that Speedy is your sister?" he asks.

Thea grins, reaching over to steal a fry off Oliver’s plate.  “Thieving is the family business.”  She slathers it in ketchup before explaining to Digg, “Dad was a grifter.  A good one.”  She motions to Oliver.  “Ollie has his skill, but I was never really charming enough.”  She shrugs.  “So I just break into houses at night.”

“I thought the family business was Queen Consolidated,” Diggle finally replies.

She tilts her head to the side as she qualifies, “Thieving is the other family business.”

9. Sara Lance

Oliver pretends to peruse the jewelry.  He’s blown off two salesmen waiting for her, and now he’s certain she’s just trying to make him squirm.  Too bad for her that it isn’t working.

“I’m not sure there’s a wedding ring here that will help you get your wife back,” a smoky voice says.

As he looks up at her, Oliver smiles.  “I don’t fight battles I can’t win, Sara,” he replies.

“Then you shouldn’t have come here,” she retorts.  She reaches into the counter to pull out a diamond ring worth more than her Maserati parked out back.  “I’m not sleeping with you or working with you.”  She crosses her arms.  “I’ve gone legit.  I’ve been legit for three years.”

“How do you explain Corto Maltese last year?” he counters.  Her mouth opens, but no words come out.  Resisting the urge to roll his eyes, Oliver adds, “I’ve been in jail for five years, not on a deserted island.”

Sara slips the ring back in the case before glancing around and leaning in.  “I do the occasional side job,” she whispers.  “Dad doesn’t like me breaking the law ever since I got caught seven years ago.”

Oliver doesn’t say anything, simply turning to walk away.

“Ollie, wait,” she calls.  When he comes back to her, she demands, “At least tell me what the job is.  For old time’s sake.”

It’s at that point Oliver knows he has her.  Leaning over, he whispers the details in her ear before passing her a card.

She doesn’t even examine it before slipping it into the top of her dress.  “I’ll see you then, Ollie,” Sara promises.

“Thought you might change your mind.”

10. Roy Harper

As Oliver watches the kid on the subway pull the third wallet in thirty minutes, Oliver has to admit he’s damn good.  He only needs ten members to make this work, and this kid isn’t it.  He needs an explosives expert, not a pickpocket.  But if he did, he’d need that kid.  Maybe he needs eleven.

Hell, there isn’t much difference between 15 million and 14.5 million.

Oliver scribbles a note on a card of a local restaurant before slipping it into the kid’s pocket when he jostles him.

Thirty minutes later, the kid shows up, pulling the hood of his red jacket down.  He looks mostly pissed off, but maybe that’s just his face.  He drops the card on the table.  “You take my lifts again, and I’m going to steal everything you own,” the kid says.

“I have five grand and a subway card to my name,” Oliver replies.  He holds up the wallets the kid pulled.  “But I’m not here to start a fight.  I’m here to offer you a job.”  He tilts his head to the side.  “If you don’t want it, you’re welcome to keep feeling up stockbrokers.”

Oliver places an airline ticket down on the table, his hand covering it.  “I’m Oliver Queen.  What’s your name, kid?”

“Roy,” he offers slowly.  “Roy Harper.”

“You ever pulled a heist before, Roy?”

“No.”

“Do you want to?” Oliver asks.

“Anything to get out of Central City,” Roy says flatly.

Oliver grins.  “That’s the spirit.”  He taps the ticket on the table.  “This can be yours if you want it.  It’s a big job.  Fifteen million is the expected payoff.  If you think you’re ready.”

A waitress calls to him, and Oliver orders drinks for both of them.

“Starling City, huh?” Roy asks.  When Oliver turns, the ticket is in the kid’s hands.

“That’s the best lift I’ve seen you make all day,” Oliver declares.

Roy smirks.  “That’s not even my best.”

11. Felicity Smoak

Oliver watches as the SCPD officers pull the three of them out of the bank, alarms still blaring.  The first two men look like garden variety bank robbers, but the third is a small woman dressed all in black, blonde hair falling out of her ponytail.

Even as the local police escort her to the car, Oliver can hear her yelling, “Goddamn it!  You had one job to do!  One!  Job!”  She scurries forward to kick one of them in the ass.  The large man stumbles and grunts, nearly taking the tiny police officer down to the ground with him.  “You’re supposed to be professionals!  Professionals, my ass!”

Oliver glances to his right, arching an eyebrow at Digg.  “This is our option for munitions?” he asks.

“You asked me who I’d use,” Digg replies.  “I’d use Basher.  Best explosives expert in the world who isn’t afraid to get their hands dirty on the wrong side of the law.”  He tilts his head to the side.  “There’s a little conflict of availability.”

“Jail tends to do that,” Oliver agrees.  After a long moment, he sighs.  “Which one is my guy?”

Diggle grins.  “Around five-six, blonde, and about to slaughter the other two.”  Oliver’s eyebrows shoot up.  “Her real name is Felicity Smoak.  Wanted in twelve states and five countries.  Likes to blow things up.”

“I may have noticed that,” Oliver replies, having watched her beautiful charge go off on the security feeds.  “She’s good.  Unpredictable, but good.”

“The best,” Digg corrects.  “They call her ‘Basher’ because of a job she pulled in London.  Blew a hole in a Russian embassy vault and made out with all their classified documents.”  He shakes his head.  “The charge caved in the safe, like someone had bashed the door in.  Ransomed the documents back to the Russian government.  Someone told me she made over five billion rubles on that job.”

“Can’t put a price on information,” Oliver replies before crossing the street.

Hogging up to the officer holding her, Oliver adjusts his coat over his suit.  All he has to do is flash the fake ATF badge to get across the line.

As he’s walking up, the young officer asks her, “Do you have any more explosives on your person?”

A dangerous glint appears in her eyes as her pink lips twist into a flirty smile.  “Only one way to find out,” she replies.  She leans in closer to him.  “Careful, though.  You might lose a hand.”

“That isn’t Miss Smoak’s style,” Oliver cuts in smoothly.  Both of them turn to him at once as he flashes his badge.  “Peck.  ATF.”

“Great, another fed,” Felicity remarks with the roll of her eyes.  “At least you’ll be nice to look at when you’re questioning me for hours.”

Barely biting back on a grin, Oliver continues.  “Let me guess what she did this time:  simple G4 mainliner, back-wound.  Quick fuse with a drag under twenty feet.”

“That sounds about right,” the officer replies.

“We’ve had a warrant out on this one for a long time,” Oliver says.  “We need to check for any more explosives.”  He grabs her by the shoulder, turning her and bending her over the hood of the squad car.

“I don’t mind playing rough,” she says, “but at least buy a girl a drink first.”

Trying his best to ignore her and stick to the script, Oliver says to the other officer.  “It’s probably best if we get my partner to search her,” he suggests.  “Look for Briggs.  Can’t miss her.”

“Who?” the local cop asks.

“Just find her!” Oliver insists.

The minute the cop is out of earshot, he leans over the top of her, slipping some items from his jacket into her hands.  “Felicity Smoak?  I’m Oliver Queen.”

She turns to him with a grin.  “I know who you are,” she assures him with a roll of her eyes.  “Everyone in this business knows your name and face.”

“For right now, I’d settle with a distraction,” he admits.  Unlocking her handcuffs with a lockpick, he asks, “How soon can you put something together with what I just gave you?”

“Done,” is her answer.

“Pretend you’re still cuffed and come with me,” Oliver says.

He leads her by the shoulder out of the crime scene.  “So why are you helping me?” Felicity asks.

Oliver smiles down at her.  “I’m running a heist and I need a munitions expert.  I’m told you’re the best.  It’s a heist that--”

“I’m in,” she says.

“I haven’t even told you the score yet.”

“Don’t care,” Felicity assures him with the wave of her hand.  “I’m rich and bored.”  She smiles at him, the kind of smile that makes his insides do funny things.  “All I want is to work with some experienced criminals again, and your reputation precedes you.”  She slips her arm through his.  “I’m in.”

They’re about twenty feet away when he turns to find smoke pouring out of the top of one police car.  There’s screaming just before an explosion.  The police car she planted it on goes up, but four more in the vicinity turn into balls of flame.

Felicity cackles as she turns back to watch it.  “They weren’t expecting that shit!” she crows to Oliver.  Cupping her hands around her mouth, she calls to her former partners, “You boys have fun rotting in prison!”

She turns back to Oliver, grinning from ear to ear.  “So where are we going?”

“Starling City.”

“What’s the job?”

“Casino heist.  Take is fifteen million.”

“Casino heist?” she repeats.  “I’ve never done one of those before.”

“No one has ever successfully robbed a major casino in this country,” Oliver points out.

"Depends what you call a robbery,” Felicity corrects.  “If by ‘robbing’ you mean ‘counting cards all night until you win ten million in Vegas,’ then technically I’ve robbed a casino.”  She releases a longing sigh.  “God, I miss Vegas.”

“Surely you can afford to fly,” Oliver points out.

“I can,” she assures him.  “I’m banned.”

Oliver does a double-take.  “How the hell do you get banned from an entire city?“

“I won over ten million dollars,” she reiterates.  Felicity grins.  “From each casino on the strip.  “Didn’t go over well.”

She pats his shoulder as they meet up with Diggle.  “Come on.  Let’s go make history.”

[meganelizabether]

My top 10 TV shows of 2017, 9-4

9. Brooklyn Nine-Nine

This show has managed to stay flat-out funny, genuinely heartwarming, and important without being heavy-handed. Tackling police work with optimism, integrity and humor can’t be easy, but somehow, the writers manage it every season. Plus, Santiago and Peralta’s relationship is one of the most realistic and happy (i.e. best-written relationship ever eeee fangirling a little here) on television, past and present. While they didn’t make sense as a couple in season one, the writers’ smartly let Jake grow up, and showed how he enriched Amy’s life with his childish joy and unwavering love. Now, they just make sense, and it’s a beautifully simple and magically complex thing to behold (like all good relationships).

8. Glow

I’ve always had a deep loathing for professional wrestling, based entirely on early childhood exposure to its spray-tanned, greasy, ludicrous brand of hyper-masculinity. The people who watched it didn’t seem to think it was funny, which I found very confusing, and the bombastic violence never seemed remotely entertaining. Luckily, “Glow” matches its source material by allowing its characters to be big, bold and ridiculous in and out of the ring, while slowly and delightfully subverting types over the course of the season. The parts are juicy, the characters are messy, and the women are unabashedly themselves. It’s one of the purest things I watched all year, and I can’t wait to see where the next season ends up. 

Also 8. The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel

One of (few) good things about 2017 was the diversity on television. Shows like Black-ish, Fresh off the Boat, The Mindy Project, Empire, Jane the Virgin and Insecure all got renewed, and as the year draws to a close, I can truthfully saw we’re living in a great age of television. Not only do we have a stunning variety of amazing shows, we have writers of color creating for actors of color, on shows produced by people of color. We have a spectrum of sexuality across all TV genres, written as main characters and not tokens or random friends who appear only on very special episodes. The diversity isn’t just on the surface anymore, and it shows. Some of the most original, important and entertaining stories on TV would never have existed if not for the diverse creators who finally got their feet in the door.

And yes, that is a preamble-apology of sorts for including a very, very white show like The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel on a fairly short list. Sure, the main characters are Jewish, but so far, the show hasn’t developed a sense of otherness, or tackled any anti-Semitism surely hanging around in 1950s New York (I haven’t finished the season yet, so maybe it’s there?). The moment where Midge (literally) upstages an African American band feels extremely privileged and a bit cringe-worthy as well. Historically, the Palladinos have been pretty tone-deaf tackling, or completely ignoring, issues like race, LGBTQ issues and politics, and I don’t see that changing any time soon.

HOWEVER, the show is damn funny; the acting is great, the writing is crisp, the feminism is present and bourgeoning, and I’ll admit it... I’m a sucker for a period piece. It’s like Mad Men, but hilarious (and I do also have to admit that I miss Mad Men, for all its flaws). And we have not yet arrived at a time when I can say, stop with the funny women on TV already. There’s just too many of them. Why not some serious shows about serious women?

7. Dear White People

The movie this Netflix series’ is based on was funny and enjoyable, but it also felt pretty self-contained, so I wasn’t initially sure how this would play out over an entire season. However, Simien and his writing team totally blew me out of the water by taking the relatively broad character sketches from the movie and turning them into people who made me laugh, cry and cheer, episode after episode. Honestly, I can’t remember a show that made me feel so emotionally invested in 11 episodes. Despite losing the star power of Tessa Thompson, recasting Sam White turned out to be a boon for the show. Thompson’s iteration was heavily influenced by her trademark snarky, take-no-prisoners persona, but Logan Browning’s version highlights and deepens Sam’s inherent vulnerability and uncertainty. This adds nuance to her prickly, trigger-happy social activism, and underscores just how much this is an image of White’s own creation. Antoinnette Robinson as Coco was another standout for me--her performance was mesmerizing, beautiful and completely heart-rending. The moments she and Browning share crackle with energy, and it’s hard not to mourn the current state of their friendship. I’m rooting for them, guys, cuz I need more amazing female TV biffles in my life right now. 

Other things I loved:

Marque Richardson as Reggie. He’s hot, he’s angry, and he’s got layers. Richardson does Emmy-worthy work during his run-in with campus police, and in portraying the devastating emotional fallout of the violent encounter. The back half of the season allows Reggie to move from player in a requisite love triangle to fully-formed character in his own right, and I’m looking forward to seeing more Reggie-centric episodes in the future. 

John Patrick Amedori as Gabe. Ah yes, the token white boy... this could easily have been the most basic, nothing characterization, but no, not in the hands of these writers, and not with Amedori’s acting chops. Gabe is cheesy, a bit fumbling, and sometimes out of his depth, but he’s also big-hearted, brave and empathetic. It’s incredibly important that we understand and buy Sam’s attraction and deep connection, and also that his character stand up to her subconscious self-loathing, which the show deftly accomplishes.

“Dear White People” is a show that wears its heart on its sleeve, and that’s a great thing in this era of cynicism and bleakness (I’m not just talking about prestige TV). If you haven’t watched it yet, add it to your queue ASAP.

6. Master of None

This was a solid return for one of our chosen Millennial ambassadors--hilarious, awkward, expansively optimistic, and full of Ansari’s signature TRUTH. Artistically ambitious (the loving ode to Italian cinema in “The Thief”), unabashedly socially aware (Religion, First Date), and full of moments of tender vulnerability (Thanksgiving), the show proves time and again it’s as good as the hype. My only complaint: I’m not on board with Dev and Francesca. She’s cute, he’s cute, they have some cute moments... but I’m not really buying it. Maybe it’s risky to apply too much of the real world to this fictionalized version of Ansari’s life, but I can’t help but wonder if the ambiguity comes from his own failed relationships. Considering how much Ansar’s love life has played into his creative endeavors so far, it’s not that much of a stretch. Hopefully, he’ll continue to channel his life into stories that feel real, not imagined and artificial, even if that means no true love for Dev for a few more seasons.

5. The Good Place

This show never should have made it to network TV, but I’m thrilled it did. It’s a deliciously weird little anomaly, and I want MORE RIGHT NOW. I love Kristin Bell (Veronica Mars 4ever), which initially convinced me to give this pastel, candy-coated comedy a shot, but every actor is a total gem. The timing is impeccable, the pacing is ambitious, and the philosophy is... well, it’s interesting, integral, AND funny. How many shows can tackle the fundamental questions of human existence without breaking a sweat, while playing them for big, completely earned laughs? Not many, that’s for damn sure.

4. The Handmaid’s Tale

So yeah, I have concerns about the longevity of this show. As in, I’m not sure there should have been a second season. The last half of season one felt simultaneously too rushed and too drawn out, giving me pause about the writers’ ability to string Atwood’s material across 13 more episodes. 

That said, the series deserves this spot on the merit of the first few episodes alone. TV this energetic, vital and fully-formed out of the gate is always worth celebrating, and Atwood’s decades-old vision of the future proved prescient and dangerously real. The show inextricably benefitted from 2017′s political zeitgeist, where white women felt the anxiety and panic most women of color have felt for... well, I guess for always. 

This show is arresting and impossible to ignore. The actors, stripped of makeup, naturally lit, and filling the frames with pure, distilled emotions, suck you in and force you to feel what they feel. Sometimes (often), this is incredibly difficult, but others, it leads to feelings of euphoria and triumph. At it’s best, “The Handmaid’s Tale” is a perfect distillation of humanity, both its ugliness and its beauty. Here’s hoping the showrunners can pull off another season with equal grace and artistry. 

Annnd I’ll be back before New Year’s with my top three shows of 2017 :-)

[obtusemedia]

In Ascending Order: Top 50 Songs of the ‘90s

The ‘90s have become sort of an idyllic period that many Millennials and Gen Xers look fondly upon. It makes sense — the economy was good, Seinfeld ruled televisions, we weren’t worried about either the USSR or North Korea nuking us — but if there’s one thing that has really kept the ‘90s beloved, it’s the music.

There’s something for everyone at the end of the 20th Century, from grunge to gangsta rap to boy bands to Britpop. The ‘90s featured rock’s final years of pop relevance, as well as the blossoming of its underground movements. Hip-hop became a massive cultural force. And although pop wasn’t as strong as it was in the ‘80s, it did have a nice bounce-back period near Y2K.

Capturing the essence of the wildly-divergent ‘90s in just 50 songs is difficult, but I took a swing at it anyways. Let’s dive in:

HONORABLE MENTIONS:

> “Even Flow” by Pearl Jam (1992): Since I’m a Puget Sound native, I should love Pearl Jam more than I do. But sorry, I’ve never been able to muster too much love for the iconic grunge act. That said, “Even Flow” has a great, energetic groove that goes nicely with Eddie Vedder’s bellow.

> “Not If You Were the Last Junkie On Earth” by the Dandy Warhols (1997): By 1997, Nevermind seemed like a century away, as bright-and-shiny pop tunes took over from Alt Nation. So how did indie rock respond? By making a snarktastic, uber-catchy power pop jam about how “heroin was so passé,” complete with a music video featuring dancing syringes. The ‘90s were wild, guys.

> “Crash Into Me” by Dave Matthews Band (1996): If Greta Gerwig gets to admit that this song is actually good despite the oddly skeevy lyrics at times, then so do I. Just forget about the time they dumped 800 pounds of poop in the Chicago River and let Dave’s froggy voice whisk you away.

> “Metal Detektor” by Spoon (1998): America’s most consistent indie rock band wouldn’t reach their heights until the early 2000′s, but “Metal Detektor” is a solid lo-fi preview of the groovy, nervy tunes to come.

> “All Star” by Smash Mouth (1999): Forget the memes and Shrek and remember that this song is iconic for a reason. Did it age badly? Absolutely. But that’s part of its dorky, wonderful charm. And like every young Millennial, I know every word by heart. HEY NOW

#50: “Inbetweener” by Sleeper (1995)

One thing I love about Britpop is its fondness for character vignettes. Pulp were masters of this, and Blur occasionally dipped their toes in that pool, but even the B-listers knew how to nail a depressed-suburbanite character study.

“Inbetweener” tells the story of a married couple who settled for each other. They weren’t each others’ first-choices, they were just supposed to be “inbetweeners.” By the time they’ve settled into adulthood, their lives have descended into complete boredom, but they’re also too lazy to change anything. It’s the black hole of mediocrity.

Sleeper does a stellar job making the story pop, with a sunny sound to balance out lead singer Louise Wener’s deadpan vocals. In a way, it’s a bit ironic that a pop-rock song with a chorus this anthemic would be about the most boring lives imaginable, but I imagine that was sort-of the point.

#49: “When I Come Around” by Green Day (1994)

Bay Area legends Green Day went 100 percent into the pop side of pop-punk with the infamous graduation anthem “Good Riddance.” But I’ll always prefer their earlier, snottier side, which balanced the two genres perfectly.

“When I Come Around” is a song so maddeningly catchy that it doesn’t even matter that drummer Tre Cool utterly fails to stay on beat, occasionally slowing down and speeding up. Thank god for Billie Joe Armstrong’s timeless melody and crunchy guitar tone, both of which keep this song afloat, along with a solid slap-bass. 

Honestly, the amateur vibe of “When I Come Around” is endearing nearly 25 years later, when most mainstream rock feels aggressively focus-grouped. Even Green Day would become much more polished later on (not that this was always bad), so it’s nice to see the youthful energy and passion on display.

#48: “Jesus Freak” by DC Talk (1995)

There were many subgenres that peaked in the ‘90s that I’ve already mentioned, but there’s one more movement that had its prime years in this era: Christian rock.

...wait, wait, don’t click away yet! I’m not trying to proselytize here — some ‘90s Christian music could pass as the real deal. A few, like Jars of Clay, even notched a mainstream hit. But no Christian rock band was bigger among the youth-group set than DC Talk, who never really crossed over to secular audiences. And their signature song, “Jesus Freak,” is absolutely ridiculous — and that’s what makes it great.

Christian music in the ‘10s is mostly bland and focus-grouped to death. If you can tell one Hillsong or Lauren Daigle tune apart from the next, you have better ears than I. But “Jesus Freak” was a strange beast. Instead of joy or thankfulness, its primary emotions are defiance and rage. They even worked with the same music video director as Nine Inch Nails! Amy Grant would never. (although she certainly had her mainstream pop sellout moment in the ‘90s)

Does “Jesus Freak” have some embarrassing lyrics about John The Baptist’s belly? Of course. Does it blatantly rip off “Smells Like Teen Spirit?" Definitely. But, most importantly — is it a banger? HELL (err...heaven) YEAH.

#47: “Vapour Trail” by Ride (1990)

Shoegaze is definitely a sound that I respect more than I actually like. Personally (as you’ll see later on this list), I prefer its more structured, catchier cousin, dream pop.

But Ride managed to find the sweet spot between My Bloody Valentine and top-40 with their sweetly melancholy “Vapour Trail.” It definitely has all the hallmarks of shoegaze — it’s very spaced-out, the lyrics are both romantic and depressing, and there’s a definite wall-of-sound feel to it — but there’s also an actual hook. Thanks to its jangly guitars and orchestral coda, it almost feels like The Smiths’ take on the subgenre.

#46: “Enter Sandman” by Metallica (1991)

Why yes, I am that loser that’s never been able to get into metal, yet loves the simpler pleasures of “Enter Sandman.” What can I say — it’s a total jam and the hooks are plentiful.

It’s honestly kind of hilarious that this song became a massive success right as R.E.M. and Nirvana were rapidly shifting what popular rock sounded like, because “Enter Sandman” leans much heavier towards cheesy, over-the-top hair metal than grunge. I can’t get enough of James Hetfield hamming it up on the mic, literally cackling like a Disney villain at a few points.

For me, the corniness is part of the fun here, along with the raw energy that the band brings to the song. “Enter Sandman” let the masses headbang along with the metalheads, and for that, I’m grateful.

#45: “...Baby One More Time” by Britney Spears (1998)

Here’s proof of how massive Britney Spears’ debut single was: I was in preschool when it was released, and I knew it just as well as the Sesame Street or Arthur theme songs at the time. “...Baby One More Time” was a staple of Radio Disney, which was my main exposure to non-Christian music before elementary school (that, and Thriller, of course). Those opening piano stabs were etched into my brain from a very early age.

There’s a good reason it’s stuck with me: Britney’s breakthrough smash is a pop classic. “...Baby One More Time” captures the passion of a teenage crush better than almost any song from its era. And Max Martin’s crystal-clear, melodramatic production is untouchable. Frankly, it might still be Britney’s best song, over 20 years later.

#44: “Animal Nitrate” by Suede (1993)

One of the first major Britpop anthems, “Animal Nitrate” is a swaggering, cocky ode to the UK’s finest glam rock. Marc Bolan would’ve killed to write something this seedy and catchy.

In a way, it serves as sort of the mid-point between Blur and Pulp’s winking snark and Oasis’ hard-charging stadium-fillers. Just add a nice dose of sleaze. Suede weren’t able to keep up the momentum from their landmark debut, but at least they have classic singles like “Animal Nitrate” that cemented their legacy as pioneers.

#43: “Born Slippy .NUXX” by Underworld (1996)

I’m not normally a fan of super-long electronic songs. In fact, this will be the only representative of electronica — a fairly popular scene in the late ‘90s — to show up on this list.

But “Born Slippy” is special. First off, to be completely honest with y’all: I’m a bit biased, since the track was famously featured in Trainspotting, one of my favorite ‘90s movies. So it was always going to have positive connotations for me. Beyond that, “Born Slippy,” more than any other classic electronica song of its time, is bonkers. After a long, atmospheric intro, it’s essentially five and a half minutes of rambling, drunken chaos over a thudding drum beat (with one little break in the middle).

It’s both minimalist (a good chunk of the song is just a drum machine and chanting) and maximalist (IT’S SO LOUD). “Born Slippy” is the audio equivalent of losing your mind, and I love every second of it.

#42: “Groove Is In The Heart” by Deee-Lite ft. Q-Tip (1990)

And here’s a dance song with the complete opposite vibe! While Underworld turned their thumping beats into cold, confusing chaos, Deee-Lite only has one mission with their classic one-hit-wonder: to soundtrack the greatest party of all time.

“Groove” just about succeeds in that goal, too. The bassline and clattering percussion are untouchable, the lyrics are pure nonsense in the best way (more dance songs should throw in Dr. Seuss references), and the group even snagged funk legend Bootsy Collins to throw in some random ad-libs here and there. 

Q-Tip, a budding legend in his own right, contributes a nice verse, but the real draw here is Deee-Lite’s aggressive quirkiness. Where else will you find a dancefloor filler that includes slide-whistle solos?

#41: “This Is How We Do It” by Montell Jordan (1995)

New Jack Swing — the subgenre that mixed R&B smoothness with hip-hop beats and attitude — might have peaked in the late ‘80s and early ‘90s, but its best track came way after its pinnacle.

“This Is How We Do It” will always be an effective crowdpleaser. Somehow, Montell Jordan found a way to balance street smarts with a squeaky-clean jam perfect for a Bar Mitzvah. He essentially perfected Will Smith’s formula, but Jordan had an extra advantage: his golden vocals. Yeah, his rapping is a bit corny, but you can’t deny that voice.

The ‘90s had plenty of gangsta-lite party jams like “This Is How We Do It,” but thanks to Jordan’s charisma and a deathless chorus, this one stands above the rest.

#40: “Movin’ On Up” by Primal Scream (1991)

If you’re going to rip off the Rolling Stones’ “You Can’t Always Get What You Want,” you might as well go for the jugular and only steal its massive ending.

“Movin’ On Up” is absolutely shameless in that regard, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t effective anyways. This gospel/classic-rock pastiche is four minutes of straight euphoria: Uplifting lyrics! Jazzy piano! Soaring guitar solos! And of course, a gospel choir so powerful that their voices break through the noise like the Kool-Aid Man. 

Primal Scream were smart enough to let the choir take over the second half of the song, just letting the vaguely-religious vibes ride itself out. Because of this brilliant decision, “Movin’ On Up” is somehow more danceable than the rest of its album, the acid-house landmark Screamadelica.

#39: “Just A Girl” by No Doubt (1995)

Riot grrrl, an aggressively feminist brand of indie rock, was an important ‘90s subgenre, but rarely a commercially successful one. Still, there were some acts that polished up that style of angst and packaged into something different yet still great, and one of them was No Doubt.

Although Gwen Stefani might be more well-known to most millennials for teaching us all how to spell bananas, her best song might still be “Just A Girl.” It’s a pretty simple concept — woman is righteously upset by how society coddles her because of her gender — but Stefani sells with her flexible vocals and loads of personality. She shifts from an exaggerated Betty Boop pastiche to a Californian alt-rock wail within seconds.

The rest of No Doubt are able to keep pace with their frontwoman, bouncing back and forth between the springy verses and mosh-friendly, speedy choruses. It’s a good fit for Stefani’s manic energy, and a nice burst of bright energy to bring a close to a dreary era of rock.

#38: “Ruff Ryders’ Anthem” by DMX (1998)

Forget shiny suits: If I’m listening to late ‘90s hip-hop, I’ll take the rawer pleasures of DMX every day of the week.

On his breakout hit “Ruff Ryders’ Anthem,” DMX began to hone his now-legendary untamed style, although it’s a bit more subtle than how he would sound a few years later. It’s not quite as bombastic, but in some ways, that makes this feel a little more like the real X. It literally sounds like a mobster making threats, and it just happens to rhyme and be over a killer beat.

There’s all the ridiculous lyrics you’d expect from DMX here — highlights include the wonderfully emo couplet “All I know is pain/all I feel is rain” and a coda that’s simply a machine gun firing and X yelling “TALK IS CHEAP, MOTHERFUCKER!!!” But for the most part, it’s proto-DMX, and it’s interesting to see a larger-than-life figure somewhat grounded.

#37: “Friday I’m In Love” by The Cure (1992)

The first couple years of the ‘90s are flooded with awkward ‘80s leftovers, but one wonderful (and very ‘80s) song that snuck into the next decade is “Friday I’m In Love,” The Cure’s final hit.

It’s shocking that something this bouncy, simple and optimistic came out the same year Nirvana and Pearl Jam dominated the airwaves, but great music can succeed at any time. Robert Smith’s nursery-rhyme melodies and lyrics are so simple that it’s shocking that this song wasn’t actually written ages beforehand.

And it’s refreshing to hear a band famous for getting angsty pull out a happy-go-lucky love song tailor-made for romantic comedies. At some point, Smith had to write an upbeat song, right?

#36: “Everlong” by Foo Fighters (1997)

There’s an argument out there that “Everlong,” written by Foo Fighters frontman and former Nirvana drummer Dave Grohl, is better than any Nirvana song. I cannot remotely agree (spoiler: Nirvana places much higher on this list), but I can understand why “Everlong” has such a strong reputation.

Easily the best Foo Fighters song, “Everlong” is everything you’d want in a radio-friendly alt-rock single. It’s catchy, but still has some legitimate grit and bite. Propulsive and anthemic, yet still angsty and relatable. Grohl somehow took a grimy post-grunge banger, added romantic lyrics, and made it work. I certainly can’t imagine Bush or Everclear pulling that off.

#35: “Wannabe” by Spice Girls (1996)

In less than three minutes, five British women kicked down the doors of alt-rock and birthed the late-’90s bubblegum pop boom with one song. And what a glorious burst of energy that song is.

"Wannabe” might be the most purely fun song on this entire list. From the springy piano beat to each of the five girls showing off their bold, feisty attitudes (except for Posh Spice...sorry, Victoria), to Scary and Ginger Spices’ cheeky rap breakdown at the end, it’s impossible not to like. The song is a bit repetitive, yes, but when you have nuclear-grade weapon hooks like these, you might as well use them. ZIGAZIGAHHH

#34: “Fake Plastic Trees” by Radiohead (1995)

And now to the exact opposite side of British music!

Not to be that annoying contrarian, but I’ve never been able to get into Radiohead. A lot of their music is too cerebral for my tastes — I don’t mind thoughtful lyrics or experimentation, but I need a hook or a groove to grab onto.

Still, I do have a fond spot for their early years. And “Fake Plastic Trees,” my favorite song of theirs, is the perfect midpoint between grunge angst and sweeping Britpop balladry. 

The lyrics are abstract, yet Thom Yorke’s yearning, cracked vocals convey more than any words could’ve. Like one of my favorite modern acts, Japanese Breakfast, his voice acts simply as another instrument to convey the heartbreak. Match that with a slow-burn power ballad fit for a rom-com credit roll, and you’ve got an instant classic. It’s really too bad Radiohead got bored with this sound...

#33: “It Was A Good Day” by Ice Cube (1992)

Ice Cube is not normally a happy guy in his classic songs. Whether he’s pissed at the cops or his former bandmates, he’s usually in a bad mood for some reason. But for his most beloved track, Cube imagines what a day with no problems would be like, and it’s sublime.

He nabs a triple double on the court without trying. He gets to bang a chick he’s been trying to have sex with since high school. He seemingly wins every game of bones and craps he plays. And most importantly, the police and gangs didn’t hassle him.

Many gangsta rap songs are about turmoil and chaos, but “It Was A Good Day” shows that even the toughest thugs just wanted some peace and to have a good time.

(although if it was a really good day, the Supersonics would’ve beaten the Lakers...)

#32: “Hunger Strike” by Temple of the Dog (1991)

This song is so Seattle that the CD single probably came with a complimentary damp flannel, a Dick’s deluxe, and coffee stains.

It’s a bit surprising to me that there hasn’t ben any Seattle artists on the list proper yet, seeing as the city was the epicenter of ‘90s culture. Obviously, grunge played a role, but this was also the decade when Starbucks, Microsoft and Amazon blew up; the decade when the Sonics and Mariners had superstars like Gary Payton and Ken Griffey, Jr. (the Seahawks had to wait another decade to hit their stride); the decade where the Emerald City’s reputation changed from South Alaska to one of America’s iconic locales.

And before Nirvana and Pearl Jam took led that charge, “Hunger Strike” was the first grunge breakthrough, and for good reason. In a way, it’s sort of the Watch The Throne of grunge, with Chris Cornell and Eddie Vedder exchanging vocals. The chorus, when Vedder sings the hook while Cornell bellows “I’M GOING HUNGRAAAAAAAAAAAY” like a madman, gives me goosebumps every time. 

Honestly, I like this lighter-waving ballad more than any of Pearl Jam or Soundgarden’s actual songs. Not sure why this connects with me more — perhaps it’s the four minutes of raw emotion and wailing vocals over gorgeous harmonizing guitars. Vedder and Cornell work shockingly well together, too. I wish the duo made more music.

#31: “Connection” by Elastica (1994)

There is no Britpop song that’s cooler than “Connection.” While most of the subgenre is all about wink-wink cleverness or gigantic classic-rock riffs, Elastica dispenses with both of those for Justine Frischmann’s snarling attitude.

Elastica kept things very simple on their most iconic single. There’s a rudimentary guitar riff (which yes, they stole from Wire, but who cares), a steady beat, and Frischmann rolling her eyes over the whole thing. “Connection” is not a song that needs a lot of explaining: one listen, and you’ll instantly understand why even American teens couldn’t resist the snark.

#30: “Alison” by Slowdive (1993)

Slowdive’s masterpiece, Souvlaki, might have been a bit late to the shoegaze party by 1993, but it and its iconic leadoff track, “Alison,” have stood tall over the movement regardless.

My favorite shoegaze song, “Alison” is a hazy soup of distorted guitars, hypnotic drums and hopelessly romantic lyrics about a druggy (and possibly imaginary?) relationship. About half of the lines are about drugs and confusion, and lead singer Neil Halstead describes the titular woman as his anchor through the chaos of life. It’s a slow-dance made for a goth prom, and it lingers in your brain long after it’s over.

#29: “Baby Got Back” by Sir Mix-a-Lot (1992)

“Baby Got Back” has unfortunately become sort of a punchline by this point. Not because it’s a clunker —I think most people seem to love it as much as I do — but because of its constant feature in kids’ movies (I first heard it in Shark Tale as a child...the early ‘00s were a strange time) and the fact that the song has been boiled down to just a few lines. 

“I like big butts and I cannot lie.” “Oh. My. Gawd. Becky, look at her butt.” “My anaconda don’t want none unless you’ve got buns, hon.” Those moments define “Baby Got Back” more than anything else.

Which is a shame, because it’s a masterpiece of trashy fun. Seattle icon Sir-Mix-a-Lot somehow found out how to make solid punchlines about booty for four minutes — you try coming up with that many iconic moments in a short timespan! And the dizzying production, with its sharp horn bursts and super-tight bassline, is no joke.

"Baby Got Back” might be a goofy novelty track, but there’s actual effort put in. It’s a formula more artists should strive for.

#28: “California Love” by 2Pac feat. Dr. Dre and Roger Troutman (1995)

Yes, this is the cliché 2Pac choice. But “California Love” is difficult to resist.

Backed by a rowdy Dre beat (and a great opening verse from the Dr. as well), Pac’s comeback single after being released from prison is truly timeless. You go to any L.A. party or sporting event and it’ll inevitably be played (partly because it’s strangely clean for a gangsta rap anthem). And 2Pac is game to shout out the entire state — he even gives Sacramento props over 20 years before Lady Bird!

Pac has some deeper, more introspective songs than “California Love.” But sometimes, the basic pick is the right one.

#27: “Summer Babe (Winter Version)” by Pavement (1992)

Pavement has always been the cool kids’ ‘90s band. While the massive alt-rock acts put their raw, bleeding-heart emotions on display, Pavement kept things sardonic and snarky. They were willing to poke fun at The Smashing Pumpkins. They’re essentially the Jim Halpert of rock — kind of lazy and self-removed, but with too much charisma to ignore.

Yet, for all their snarky bonafides, my favorite song of theirs is one of their more emotional. “Summer Babe” still features Stephen Malkmus’ famously flat, dry vocals, but the song has some real heft to it regardless. The deep-fried guitar shredding its way though the track and the noisy drums work well amongst the sloppy-but-charming sound. It’s meandering, but when Malkmus puts some juice in his vocals for the final minute, it still strikes a chord. 

#26: “Deceptacon” by Le Tigre (1999)

By the late ‘90s, punk icon Kathleen Hanna had already moved on from her massively influential riot grrrl band, Bikini Kill. Distorted guitars were so 1992. What was next? ‘80s nostalgia, of course!

“Deceptacon,” by Hanna’s other famous band, Le Tigre, is a sizzling slice of new wave perfection. With its proudly-analog synth stabs and dance beat, the song perfected the indie-band-goes-disco formula 10 years before everyone else tried it. Seriously, this sounds way more like 2009 than 1999, and it’s shocking that its somehow from the 20th Century.

But “Deceptacon” isn’t purely a Duran Duran tribute — there’s still that same fury that Hanna was famous for. Her raw vocals make for a strange, yet captivating combination with the poppy beat. It’s a punk song you could dance to, just like the Ramones always wanted!

#25: “Fantasy (Bad Boy Remix)” by Mariah Carey feat. Ol’ Dirty Bastard and Puff Daddy (1995)

There might not have been any ‘90s popstar bigger than Mariah Carey. She racked up 14 number-one hits, including “One Sweet Day,” a monster R&B collaboration with Boys II Men that is still tied for the longest stay at the top of the charts (if only it was a better song). 

However, she’s never been my favorite — overwrought R&B ballads really aren’t my thing. But she did release one single that I unabashedly love, and that’s partly due to an assist from one of hip-hop’s weirdest stars.

I’m still not sure why the powers that be felt that Carey, a super-polished pop balladeer, and Ol’ Dirty Bastard, a rapper who sounded and acted like a homeless man on bath salts, was a good combo. But it worked beautifully! ODB’s weirdo charm proved to be a nice balance to Carey’s more sanitized sound. And the pop structure reigned in ODB just enough — although that didn’t stop him from spending the first 45 seconds just shouting out random places (“JAPAN ARE YOU IN THE HOUSE?!?”) and later quoting Donny and Marie Osmond. The man was a maniac.

But arguably what makes the song work better than either artist’s contribution is that sparkling production. The remix of “Fantasy,” helmed by Bad Boy mastermind Puff Daddy, strips back the original song’s heavier sampling of the ‘80s classic “Genius of Love” to just the groovy bassline for most of the song, letting the synth burbles wait until the chorus to pop. The result is one of the few truly great American pop songs of the mid ‘90s.

#24: “Blue Jeans” by Blur (1993)

Despite their relatively low placement on this list, Blur are my absolute favorite band of the ‘90s. They helped create one of its prominent movements, Britpop, with their 1992 single “Popscene,” and went on to dominate the subgenre. And when they got bored with that sound five years later, Blur proved they could do angsty, distorted alt-rock just as well as the Americans. (And five years after that, lead singer Damon Albarn started a fun little side project — you might have heard of them.)

But my favorite song of theirs doesn’t really fit into either Blur’s eras. Technically, “Blue Jeans” was released on their first Britpop album, Modern Life is Rubbish, but it doesn’t really have the same witty, uber-English vibe as their hit singles from that time. Instead, it’s a low-key, almost dream-pop song that’s simply about being content in a relationship. 

Sounds a bit boring, until you actually listen to the track — Albarn’s melody here is stunningly beautiful, yet down-to-earth, and the quaint music backing him matches the vibe of the song exactly. And his lyrics nail the early stages of love — “I don’t really wanna change a thing/I wanna stay this way forever.” There’s few songs that capture the simple joys of a romance like “Blue Jeans,” particularly in the honeymoon period.

#23: “Forgot About Dre” by Dr. Dre feat. Eminem (1999)

The defining sound of West Coast hip-hop — the squealing synths and trunk-rattling bass of G-Funk — was mastered by one man in the early ‘90s. Dr. Dre’s The Chronic was a landmark for the genre in 1992, and his iconic style can be heard from MCs throughout most of the decade.

But by 1999, things had changed. The biggest names in hip-hop sounded nothing like Dre’s signature sound, from Puff Daddy’s sample-heavy pop-rap to the chaotic Southern twang coming from No Limit Records. Dre was seen as a has-been, a relic.

However, “Forgot About Dre” ended Dre’s slump that year. The funky Chronic beats were supplanted by a sharper-edged, metallic production over which Dre publicly shamed the world for ignoring him and his legacy. It’s a ballsy move to already anoint yourself as a legend just 11 years after you burst onto the scene, but with Dre’s track record, he could afford to do so. And although he’s not the greatest rapper technically, he spits with enough force and charisma to sell his snarling lines.

Dre also had a partner to give him a boost: the then-newbie Eminem. A lot of Em’s big 2000′s hits have aged badly in my opinion — the production is awkward and there’s too much homophobia — but he sounds sharp as hell on “Forgot About Dre.” His verse is arguably the song’s highlight, as he unleashes a rapid-fire, charmingly random verse with endlessly quotable lines.

“Forgot About Dre” cemented Dre’s status as a titan of the industry who could seemlessly create new trends and stay afloat through multiple decades. And with it being one of Eminem’s breakout moments, it also proved Dre could be a kingmaker.

#22: “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette (1995)

The ‘90s were the decade of angst. So what better climate was there to release a scathing takedown of an ex, who may or may not be one of the dudes from Full House?

Okay, so it’s never been confirmed that “You Oughta Know” is actually about Dave Coulier. But that doesn’t lessen its rage and impact. Morissette is seething with rage about this breakup, writing all-time classic lines like “Does she know how you told you’d hold me until you die/’Til you die, BUT YOU’RE STILL ALIVE” and of course, “Are you thinking of me when you fuck her?!”

Morissette perfectly uses the era’s classic quiet-loud dynamic shifts to her advantage, creepily whispering at the start of the verses, and slowly growing louder and angrier until she’s screaming her lungs out by the chorus. Her ragged, off-kilter vocals perfectly capture the blinding emotion she feels. It’s a karaoke staple for those who’ve just been dumped for a good reason.

#21: “Big Pimpin’” by Jay-Z feat. UGK (1999)

That Timbaland beat. Dear lord. How can it sound so good against three radically different flows?! The man is truly a genius.

Yeah, Hov and Bun B and Pimp C all deliver here too, but let’s not pretend that beat isn’t the reason why this is a top-shelf Jay-Z single.

#20: “Larger Than Life” by Backstreet Boys (1999)

Yeah, it’s better than “I Want It That Way.” Not by a lot — they’re both perfect — but I’ve always preferred upbeat boy band songs to ballads.

“Larger Than Life” was named accurately. From the second the thumping beat kicks in, the song is a stadium-filling anthem, the kind arena-rock bands would’ve written a decade prior. Does it have a chorus that’s easy to scream along to at concerts? Check. Does it have a beat you can awkwardly groove to? Check. Does it have a bad-ass guitar solo thrown in? Shockingly, yeah.

Boy bands were the true rockstars of the late-’90s (apologies to, uh, Matchbox 20?), so it would only make sense to have one of them create a bonafide rock anthem. And when you match the Backstreet Boys’ sugary hooks with a roaring atmosphere worthy of Def Leppard, you’ve got a classic on your hands.

#19: “The Fly” by U2 (1991)

‘90s U2 is the best U2. I love Joshua Tree and Unforgettable Fire as much as the next guy, but I’ll take their weirdo, aggressively-ironic decade over their more earnest years any day.

Perhaps no song encapsulates U2′s ‘90s ethos better than “The Fly.” It’s got a slinky, nocturnal feel to the music, with The Edge’s guitar distorted slicing through like a machete. The swirling, tripped-out guitar solo here might be his greatest ever.

But like many U2 songs, “The Fly” belongs to Bono. In it, he plays the titular sleazebag from hell (literally — the song is about a crank call from down there), whispering sweet nothings into the listener’s ear. Do the lyrics actually mean anything? Honestly, I’m still not sure, but they still somehow sound transgressive and witty, if a bit corny. But you’ve got to expect a little corn when U2 is involved. And when Bono duets with himself on the sublime chorus, both as The Fly and in a piercing operatic falsetto, it’s one of the best hooks of the band’s career.

“The Fly” was the world’s introduction to the new U2 in 1991, and although it might have shocked people expecting another “With Or Without You,” it’s aged beautifully over 25 years later.

#18: “Heaven Or Las Vegas” by Cocteau Twins (1990)

Cocteau Twins are usually held up as dream pop’s forefathers, helping create a distinct, hazy sound that would inspire future artists from The Cranberries to Beach House to Washed Out. One listen to “Heaven Or Las Vegas” proves why the Scottish trio was such an inspiration.

“Heaven Or Las Vegas,” the title track to Cocteau Twins’ flawless 1990 album, is one of the most immaculate, gorgeous songs of the decade. Invoking both heaven and Las Vegas was accurate: the track is graceful, yet also drenched in neon synths and glitz. It perfectly toes the line between holiness and kitsch.

And here’s where I admit that, like most people, I can’t make out 90 percent of what vocalist Elizabeth Fraser is singing. Beyond belting out the title of the song in the chorus, the rest sounds like French, or speaking in tongues. Regardless, her ethereal alto is a perfect compliment to the swirling keyboards and gauzy guitars floating around her in space.

#17: “All The Small Things” by Blink-182 (1999)

In the classic video for “All The Small Things,” Blink-182 spends the entire runtime clowning on the TRL-era boy bands of the time. Here’s the ironic thing about that video: “All The Small Things” is secretly the greatest boy band song of the ‘90s (yes, that means *NSYNC didn’t make the list...their best songs came out in the early aughts, sorry).

Blink-182 are technically a pop-punk band, not a boy band, but you wouldn’t really know that from their most iconic, and best, hit. “All The Small Things” is direct, punchy and has a monster sing-along chorus. Sure, Tom DeLonge’s nasal whine isn’t a typical teen heartthrob voice, but young Justin Timberlake had an unusual voice too (“IT’S GONNA BAY MAAAAE”). 

The fact that “All The Small Things” is basically a bubblegum Trojan horse for Hot Topic kids is exactly what makes it so great. Chugging guitars can peacefully coexist with a TRL-ready melody and surprisingly romantic (if simple) lyrics. 

#16: “Gin & Juice” by Snoop Doggy Dogg (1993)

Nowadays, Snoop Dogg is probably more known for his intense love of weed, unwillingness to turn down collaborations, and friendship with Martha Stewart more than any new music. But Snoop’s earned the right to ease into being a hip-hop elder statesman, thanks to his landmark album Doggystyle and its standout single, “Gin & Juice.”

The young Snoop (only 22 at the time!!) had already nailed down his trademark, chilled-out drawl by 1993. He uses it to great effect on “Gin & Juice,” describing a wild house party filled with sex, drugs and alcohol like it’s just another regular day at the office. You can practically hear his knowing smile in the verses, and the chorus sung by D-Ruff is infectious as hell.

Of course, major credit has to be given to Dr. Dre’s G-funk production. It’s my favorite beat of his from this era, and its dog-whistle synths and shuffling beat perfectly fit the early-’90s California party vibe. 

#15: “Semi-Charmed Life” by Third Eye Blind (1997)

This is probably the only song in history to take heavy lyrical influence from the Doug theme song and simultaneously be about crystal meth.

It shouldn’t be hard to explain why “Semi-Charmed Life” is a classic, right? It turned an insanely bleak topic into one of the sunniest, most propulsive jams of all time. The rap-singing in the verses is a blast to keep up with, and that falsetto “goodBYYYYYYYE” in the chorus is the ‘90s equivalent of the high note in “Take On Me”: often-attempted in karaoke, with a very low success rate.

The late ‘90s had no shortage of great, weird pop jams, and “Semi-Charmed Life” is near the top of the pile.

#14: “Say It Ain’t So” by Weezer (1994)

My favorite ‘90s album will always be Blur’s Parklife. But my second choice would probably be Weezer’s self-titled “Blue Album,” a nerdy power-pop masterpiece. It’s an angstier mirror of The Cars’ 1976 debut, also self-titled; appropriate, seeing as Cars frontman Rik Ocasek produced Weezer’s first album.

The record’s centerpiece is the heartbreaking “Say It Ain’t So,” a perfect power ballad. The band nails the quiet/loud/quiet dynamic shifts from the mumbling verses to the supercharged chorus. There, Rivers Cuomo scratches his vocals, displaying his emotional wounds after alcoholism tore apart his family. 

For a band known for very silly songs like “Buddy Holly” and “Beverly Hills,” the passionate bridge, where Cuomo first wails away vocally before making his guitar do the same in a fiery solo, is truly heartbreaking. “Say It Ain’t So” proved that California dorks could pull off sadness just as well as the flannel-wearing Seattleites, if not better.

#13: “My Heart Will Go On” by Céline Dion (1997)

Earlier this year, Avengers: Endgame moved past Titanic on the all-time box office charts. As much as I enjoyed Endgame, this feels wrong. Sure, Marvel is a big deal, but was Endgame as much of a phenomenon as Titanic? No. Frankly, it’s not even a top-5 Marvel movie (although it is better than Avatar, which Endgame could pass soon for first place). 

Why has Titanic cemented itself in pop culture history? Part of that is because the movie is a stone-cold classic, featuring a frothy romance between two of a generation’s greatest actors that ends in unspeakable tragedy and heartbreak. But I believe there’s another aspect to the film that’s helped keep its legacy strong: its unsinkable theme song.

“My Heart Will Go On” is one of the greatest movie themes of all time, precisely because it mirrors its movie. Like Titanic, Céline Dion’s signature song starts as a tender, soft romance, before bursting into a dizzying climax that pummels the audience into submission, forcing tears.

I don’t think I need to emphasize that Dion is a fantastic singer — there are very few singers that could nail both the cooing opening and the Whitney Houston-esque belting at the final chorus. But “My Heart Will Go On” is still occasionally considered a punchline, and that’s just wrong. Any song with this much emotional heft and force cannot be taken lightly.

#12: “What’s The Frequency, Kenneth?” by R.E.M. (1994)

Two of Gen X’s longest-lasting and most important acts, U2 and R.E.M., switched roles in the ‘90s. U2 shifted their image from overly-earnest arena-rockers to weirdos dabbling in underground sounds. Meanwhile, their American counterparts went from mumbling college rock jams to radio-friendly ballads.

Not to be a total snob, but I’ve always preferred R.E.M.’s jangly ‘80s sound over their blockbuster early ‘90s albums. But the lead single off their underrated 1994 record Monster might be my favorite song of theirs.

“What’s The Frequency, Kenneth?” sounds like very few other R.E.M. songs. There’s no mandolins, and Michael Stipe’s lyrics are much clearer (although they make little sense). Instead of being bouncy and light, the guitars are a blast of crunchy distortion, not far off from a typical Smashing Pumpkins song.

In fact, Peter Buck’s guitar work here is what makes “Kenneth.” His echo-y sound adds a raw texture to the tune. And although the lyrics are a bit cryptic (apparently it’s about Boomers trying to advertise to Gen Xers? I have no clue), Stipe’s melody is on-point, as usual.

Although the sound of alt-rock had long passed by R.E.M.’s original style, “Kenneth” showed that the Georgia legends were more than able to keep up.

#11: “Steal My Sunshine” by Len (1999)

This sunburnt ode to being young and dumb in the gloriously young-and-dumb late ‘90s is the greatest summer anthem of all time. And the greatest one-hit-wonder of all time.

“Steal My Sunshine” is the soundtrack to driving with the windows down, goofing with your friends and pretty much any positive aspect of summer. Gloriously dumb and kitschy-fun summer songs like this are perfect examples of why the late-’90s was a golden age for pop.

#10: “Man! I Feel Like A Woman!” by Shania Twain (1997)

While we’re talking about that late-’90s pop boom, how crazy is it that the era’s best single is technically a country song? 

Of course, “Man! I Feel Like A Woman!” is barely a country song — yes, there’s some violins and slide guitar buried in the mix, but there’s also a thundering synth riff and Twain barely has a Southern twang (makes sense, seeing as she’s Canadian). And there’s no mention of any country tropes like pickup trucks or whiskey in the lyrics.

What “Man!” does bring to the table is a tongue-in-cheek, groovy pop-rock jam that’s just as easy to love as it is to make jokes about. Sure, it’s corny as hell — see the obvious joke in the song’s title — but Twain is clearly having way too much fun to care. And in a decade filled with angst and irony, a super-cheesy pop jam like this probably seemed like a needed salvo.

And the Mutt Lange production on this has some serious oomph to it. Before his extensive work with Twain, his then-wife, Lange was arguably best known for mastering the roided-out arena rock sound of the ‘80s, assisting on classic tunes from The Cars, AC/DC and Def Leppard. He even gave us this beautifully ridiculous Billy Ocean track, which might be the greatest song ever written. Lange brings some weight to “Man!”, making Twain’s female-empowerment anthem an actual anthem.

Listen, if this song isn’t for you, I get it. But for those of us who have the prerogative to have a little fun, “Man! I Feel Like A Woman!” is the pinnacle of one of pop’s greatest eras.

#9: “Check The Rhime” by A Tribe Called Quest (1991)

A lot of ‘90s rap hasn’t aged well, even if it’s still a ton of fun. Albums from Dr. Dre and Puff Daddy and even Jay-Z can sound like time capsules. But that’s not a problem that A Tribe Called Quest has, as their smooth jazz-rap still sounds timeless and perfect.

“Check The Rhime” is the Queens group’s brightest highlight off of their 1991 magnum opus, The Low End Theory. It’s a simple setup: MCs Q-Tip and Phife Dawg introduce the other rapper by reminiscing about freestyling on street corners back in the day. Then, both Tip and Phife get their own verse, each stuffed with playful lines and life advice — Industry Rule 4080 still holds to this day.

Unlike a lot of ‘90s hip-hop that was trying desperately to either be menacing or cool, Tip and Phife ooze effortless charisma on their verses in a playful, almost childlike way. Phife starts his verse reminding everyone “how nice I am” (before proclaiming that he flips off “punk MCs”). Tip even seems to diss MC Hammer by saying “rap is not pop/if you call it that then stop,” but apparently, this was meant as a defense of the then-megastar. Maybe.

“Check The Rhime” works partially because of its funky, minimalist production, but also because the Tribe’s two rappers were born to spit non sequiturs and awkward brags over a jazz-rap beat until the end of time.

#8: “I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone” by Sleater-Kinney (1996)

I’m not sure how flamingly hot of a take this is, but I’d say Sleater-Kinney is the greatest band in Northwest history. Yes, better than Nirvana. 

1997′s Dig Me Out is a flawless masterpiece, and there’s not a single dud in their eight-album discography. Unlike many of the major Washington acts from this era, the Olympia three-piece never lost relevancy, releasing some of their strongest work in the 2000′s.

But Sleater-Kinney’s best single, “I Wanna Be Your Joey Ramone,” is actually from one of their early albums. And it serves as a thesis statement for the decades of great music to come.

Legendary guitarist Carrie Brownstein takes over vocals here, nailing both the sardonic verses and the thrilling, off-kilter chorus. “Joey Ramone” tackles an interesting subject: how almost all of indie rock’s heroes up to that point had been male. So when Brownstein wails about wanting to be Joey Ramone or Thurston Moore, she’s placing Sleater-Kinney in the pantheon of rock greats. And this was just their second album.

Luckily, Sleater-Kinney had the goods to back up their chutzpah, and “Joey Ramone” became prophetic.

#7: “Supersonic” by Oasis (1994)

Just a couple months after Kurt Cobain’s death, two unibrowed guys from Manchester (and the rest of their band) completely upended the rock world with their band Oasis’ debut album, Definitely Maybe. After a few years of gloom-and-doom dominating the genre, it, along with fellow hit albums from Blur and Pulp, helped usher in the brighter world of Britpop in the mid-’90s.

That album’s first single, “Supersonic,” is still the greatest thing Oasis ever produced. (Yes, it’s better than “Wonderwall.”)

“Supersonic” is a blast of rude, snotty rock-n-roll cranked up to 11. In an era of irony and sarcasm, lead singer Liam Gallagher was spouting out nonsense lyrics like they were the most important and coolest thing in the world. And for the four-and-a-half minutes of this song, they probably are.

Everything about “Supersonic” is boneheaded perfection, from the thunderous drums to the dual guitars, one crunchy, one soaring; all the way to Liam’s sneer. This is prime Oasis, the band running on all cylinders. Based on how ramshackle this sounds, it’s no wonder the band only stayed great for two albums. But at least we’ll always have that legendary start.

#6: “1979″ by The Smashing Pumpkins (1995)

On the opposite end of the cool spectrum as Oasis and Sleater-Kinney, you have Billy Corgan — singer/songwriter/control freak of The Smashing Pumpkins and alt-rock’s most weaselly, petty figure. But say what you want about him as a person, Corgan wrote some incredible alt-rock pop nuggets.

“1979″ is a major outlier in the Pumpkins’ discography. It’s not an angsty shoegaze/grunge banger or an orchestral power ballad. It’s a low-key, skeletal new-wave track that perfectly captures the boredom and aimlessness of youth.

While many songs about being a teenager capture either its euphoric highs or angsty lows, “1979″ is one of the few classic songs that nails the in-between moments. It’s the feeling of walking to the 7-Eleven with your friends, cracking jokes that you’ll probably forget the next day. It’s about sitting in a parking lot and just waiting to leave your hometown.

"1979″ isn’t a grand gesture, but in a backwards way, that makes it even more profound. And from a band who typically dealt in soaring, intensely emotional songs, it was a brilliant change-of-pace that will no-doubt be relatable to teens for a long time to come.

#5: “Rebel Girl” by Bikini Kill (1993)

Two massively important alt-rock movements came from the Puget Sound in the early ‘90s. One is grunge. The other is riot grrrl, centered around a group of furious, political women-led bands in Olympia. And although Sleater-Kinney may be the subgenre’s longest-lasting act, its brightest moment came in 1993 with Bikini Kill and their incendiary single “Rebel Girl.”

Lead singer/songwriter/punk icon Kathleen Hanna is the focal point of “Rebel Girl,” wailing away on the microphone about an unnamed woman who is just the absolute coolest. The woman is described as a confident, revolutionary lesbian figure who would serve as an inspiration for angsty teens across the globe.

And oh yeah — “Rebel Girl” absolutely shreds. It sounds like there’s maybe 18 guitars going at once on the track, and Tobi Vail’s drum work is fearsome. Just to give more rock cred to the song, it was produced and features guitar work from Joan Jett. The rock legend and Bikini Kill made a great pairing, creating a song that sounds angry, with its distorted guitars and punk drums, but is actually a triumphant feminist anthem for the ages.

#4: “Linger” by The Cranberries (1993)

In an early-’90s rock scene filled with distorted guitars and raw angst, The Cranberries broke out in 1993 with a song that sounded nothing like the crowd. And over 25 years later, their stunningly gorgeous single “Linger” has aged far better than most of the grunge and alt-rock it was surrounded by.

The Irish four-piece took inspiration from Cocteau Twins’ and Galaxie 500′s dream pop and just made the hooks even more bulletproof and melancholy. “Linger” is the kind of ballad that’s a perfect fit for a longing prom slow dance and for crying with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s on the couch after a break up.

The late Dolores O’Riordan’s lilting vocals are a miracle here, able to express both hope and resignation. Her heavy Irish accent helps the vocals become another instrument in the band’s sweeping wall of sound, alongside the jangly guitars, marching-beat drums and orchestral swells.

It’s the most beautiful song of an ugly (in a good way!) decade, and arguably the greatest dream pop song ever written. The Cranberries would later adopt the heavy guitars of their Seattle peers, but “Linger” is still a high-water mark for the subgenre.

#3: “Juicy” by The Notorious B.I.G. (1994)

The first verse alone could’ve gotten “Juicy” into this list’s top 10. It’s one of the most-memorable and quotable verses of all time, exquisitely detailing The Notorious B.I.G.’s rise to fame. And then we get two more stellar verses?! 

“Juicy” is frequently cited among one of the greatest hip-hop songs of all time, and it’s deserving of that reputation. Biggie penned the definitive rags-to-riches story in just five minutes (honestly, more like four, as he and producer Puff Daddy let the beat ride for a bit at the end) and then blessed it with his silky-smooth, commanding flow.

What separates “Juicy” from other come-up anthems is the vivid detail Biggie gives us, both about his impoverished Brooklyn upbringing (“We used to fuss when the landlord dissed us/No heat, wondered why Christmas missed us”) and his stunning rise to fame (“Girls used to diss me/Now they write letters cause they miss me”). He even brags about owning a Super Nintendo AND a Sega Genesis, which was the biggest early-90′s flex possible.

Of course, knowing the tragic ending of Biggie’s story, “Juicy” has a bit of a bittersweet feeling to it now. But its ‘80′s-retro beat and infectious glee can still bring a smile to my face every time I hear it.

#2: “Smells Like Teen Spirit” by Nirvana (1991)

Well, duh.

There is no song that encapsulates an entire decade and generation like “Smells Like Teen Spirit” does for the ‘90′s and Gen X. It famously changed the entire rock landscape nearly overnight from sleazy hair metal to grimy alt-rock. It’s one of the most famous and iconic songs ever written. And shockingly, it still retains all of its revolutionary power nearly 30 years later.

How does “Smells Like Teen Spirit” pull off the balancing act of being a time capsule, yet still sounding remarkably fresh? I believe it’s because it captures the raw feeling of visceral rage and confusion better than nearly any song. Most angry songs have a target, whether its racist politicians, stuffy adults, or even a crappy ex. “Teen Spirit” has no tangible reason for its angst. Kurt Cobain’s lyrics are famously nonsense. And that’s what makes the song so brilliant.

Because the song is so emotionally powerful in a visceral way, it really doesn’t matter that the lyrics are meaningless. All you need to love the song is to connect with the anger buried deep, and start moshing the moment Dave Grohl’s instantly-recognizable drum fill meets the clanging guitars. It’s a total banger.

Cobain might not have had the intent of creating a generational anthem that would last beyond Gen X. But as long as people feel “stupid and contagious” alongside a creeping rise of angst, waiting to burst, “Teen Spirit” will remain relevant.

#1: “Common People” by Pulp (1995)

For a subgenre entirely built around a particular country’s culture, most major Britpop acts surprisingly refrained from politics. Oasis never sniffed the subject, and while Blur got close, songs like “Parklife” or “Stereotypes” were more winking jokes than bold statements.

Then there’s Pulp. Their most beloved track, “Common People,” is a scathing attack on the British upper class who indulge in poverty tourism, unaware of how the other half really lives. And it’s the best song of the ‘90s.

There are few things I love more than a perfectly executed story-song, and lead singer/songwriter Jarvis Cocker gives listeners a doozy here. “Common People” is about a rich woman talking to, well, a common person, and she decides she wants the poor guy to show her how to “live like common people.” Cocker’s songwriting is very literary, going into detail about the woman’s history and her botched attempt to act poor while shopping for groceries, as well as all the lower-class problems the wealthy will never understand. As Cocker bluntly puts it, “If you call your dad/he could stop it all.”

“Common People” is just as furious as “Teen Spirit,” but Cocker has clear targets here: the one-percent, and the misguided idea that poverty is somehow cool. The song starts calmly, almost at a whisper, but by the final, heart-pounding climax, Cocker is wailing away, condemning the upper-class with gusto.

The swelling disco-rock groove channels this anger into an absurdly catchy tune — an odd combination of musical tone and lyrics, but one that’s effective. It’s a giant middle finger that you can sing along to.

Britpop might have ended, but the sentiment of “Common People” is still fresh today as a righteous anthem for the trod-upon. 

[vivaciouswordsmith]

Chapter 2 already?!

Wow you guys. I could never have expected such an overwhelmingly positive response to Four-Legged Fiend. You guys seriously are the best. I’d had about two or three chapters planned out already, so expect the delays to start popping up after chapter 3. But who knows? I certainly don’t. :)

Also I absolutely based the first two chapters on my mom’s experience with her two newest kittens, Dipper and Mabel. She “fostered” them for about thirty minutes before deciding to adopt them, then spent about two weeks trying to convince my dad to let her keep them. He resisted up until Christmas.

So I guess, in a way, I have them to thank for the beginning of this story.

This is them, by the way.

And, of course, thanks to the lovely @ask-thevagabond for giving me the idea in the first place. :D

Anyway, I finished chapter 2 quicker than expected, so I’m putting it up now. As always, you can read it here or beneath the cut. Enjoy!

Chapter 2: Another Man’s Treasure

“I told you, we’re not keeping that thing!”

Jack scowled at Geoff and scooped up the pup. “He is not a thing.”

Geoff crossed his arms. “Fine. We’re not keeping him. Is that better?”

Jack huffed and left the living room. They’d returned to their home two days ago when their contacts sounded the all-clear. As it turned out, the pup was indeed old enough to eat solid food, and he’d turned into a little vacuum cleaner. Jack swore the little thing had sucked down more than double his weight in food in a matter of hours, and he ran out of canned food only two days into their stay. With his belly full, the pup grew much bolder. He stopped hiding in Jack’s lap and explored their little hideout from top to bottom. Geoff spent the whole time eyeing the pup balefully and grumbling under his breath.

He nearly flipped his lid when the pup squatted in the corner and peed all over the power cables. It took Jack nearly fifteen minutes to remind Geoff that the pup wasn’t paper trained and he didn’t deliberately target the cables to piss him off. His partner eventually relented with the promise that Jack would keep the pup out of trouble for the remainder of their stay, and would find him a good home when they returned to Los Santos.

Jack had yet to make good on the second part of that promise.

Truth be told, the pup had won him over the moment he saw that tiny skull-face peeping up at him from the depths of the garbage bag. Jack couldn’t even imagine getting rid of the little pup now. Hell, the first thing he did after getting back to Los Santos was read up on dogs and raid the nearest pet store. There was now a box in his room stuffed to the brim with dog toys, a shelf full of wet puppy food in the kitchen, a ceramic bowl covered in dog prints in the sink, several dog beds strewn about the apartment, a leash hanging beside the door, pee pads in every corner he thought the pup could reach, and an entire slew of tiny shirts and collars residing in his dresser drawer. He’d blown a sizable chunk of his cut from the heist on puppy stuff.

He didn’t regret it one bit. Especially not when he saw the little black and white baby curled up in a corner of the giant dog bed the cashier had assured him the pup would grow into one day.

God, he already had eight billion puppy photos on his phone. He was so fucked.

Jack chuckled and waltzed into the kitchen. Most of the articles he’d found online said the pup needed plenty of food to grow into a good, strong dog. The pup ate like it was going out of style, and Jack swore he’d already doubled in size. He wiggled in Jack’s arms and pushed his wet nose into his beard. His little stick of a tail wagged as soon as Jack put him on the counter and set his bowl beside him. He had half a can left over from the pup’s breakfast, which he quickly retrieved from the fridge. The pup yipped and scampered around on the counter.

“It’s coming, it’s coming.” Jack dumped the remainder of the can into the bowl, and it was immediately beset by the pup. He smacked and slurped at the food, and little bits of processed meat flew out and spattered over the counter. Jack beamed and brushed his fingers over the pup’s back. He currently wore a shirt that proclaimed I’m a Bad Boy, with a skull and crossbones beneath the text. Out of the twenty-odd shirts Jack had bought, it was currently his favorite.

“Don’t tell me you’re feeding him on the counter again.” Geoff bumped past Jack and pulled a beer from the fridge. He closed the door, retrieved a bottle opener from the utensil drawer, and popped the top off. “We make shit on that counter.”

“You know Clorox exists, right?”

“I don’t fucking care.” He chugged half the beer in one go and burped. “The fuck is he wearing, anyway?”

“A shirt?”

“Why the fuck is he wearing a shirt?”

“Cause it’s funny and he doesn’t seem to mind?”

“Who does that?!”

“Literally everyone who owns a dog?”

Geoff shook his head. “It’s weird.”

“Is it any weirder than anything else people do for their pets?”

“You know what? I’ll tell you what’s weird. His fucking face. His fucking face is weird.” Geoff pointed at the pup. “That skull face isn’t natural. Little freak.”

“Really, Geoff? Really?” Jack patted the pup’s back a few times. “You’re not a freak, are you?”

“Number nine on Los Santos’s most wanted list, everybody.”

The pup polished off his lunch and looked up at Jack. His head tilted to one side. “That’s all you’re getting until dinnertime, champ.” He put the bowl in the sink and picked the pup up again. “How about you and me go for a walk?”

“How about you and him find him a home that isn’t here?”

“I’m working on it.”

“Says the guy who bought a dog fucking t-shirts!” Geoff tramped back into the living room and flopped into a worn armchair. “I’ll find one myself if you don’t.”

“Sure. Once you convince some assholes to come work for us, you can find the pup a home.”

Geoff groaned and let his head flop back against the aging leather. “Don’t fucking remind me. I’m talking to this guy up in New Jersey right now, but it’s like pulling fucking teeth.”

“Why are you talking to a guy in New Jersey?” Jack pulled the leash and a tiny blue harness off the peg next to the front door and set the pup on the ground. He growled and ran over to Geoff’s ottoman. “Goddammit, I know you don’t like it, but you have to wear a leash when we go out!”

“He claims he’s the best demo guy in the business, and he’s job hunting at the moment, and he’s interested in joining a proper crew.”

“So what’s the problem?” Jack managed to catch the pup and wrestled him into his harness. The pup growled and spent several minutes trying to bite the straps on his shoulders.

“The problem? The problem is we’re in Los Santos and he’s in fucking New Jersey and he’s not sure he wants to relocate two thousand goddamn miles away from home!” Geoff sipped at his beer and sighed. “I’m trying to negotiate with him, but it’s looking unlikely.”

“Then find someone closer to home.”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Why not? Sounds pretty fucking simple to me.” Jack clipped the leash onto the harness and opened the door. “We’ll be back in about fifteen minutes, okay?”

“Whatever.”

The pup resisted being led by the leash right up until they left the apartment. His little ears stood up straight and he immediately ran in front of Jack. He sniffed the slimy-looking sidewalk and darted over to a beer can with several cigarette butts sticking out of the aperture. Jack tugged on the leash and pulled the pup away from the debris. God, this apartment was a shithole.

While they walked, Jack mused on what Geoff had said earlier. He’d talked for several years now about forming a proper crew, but it was only when they got back from their most recent heist that he’d seriously started looking into recruiting. Apparently he’d been pinching his pennies for quite some time so he could hire what he called “the best in the business.” He promised Jack that things would be better once they got some guys. No more squatting in holes. No more fearing the LSPD would come knocking on their door. No more drug running in the middle of the night. No more kowtowing to greasy-looking shitheads who were half as old as them. They would be the ones calling the shots. They would be the ones on top. They’d sit back sipping champagne and laugh while their underlings did the dirty work.

At least, that was Geoff’s dream. God only knew how it would turn out.

Most of the fifteen minute walk went by uneventfully, save for a few moments where Jack had to keep the pup from exploring upturned trash cans and abandoned buildings. He trotted along happily enough, which left Jack to his contemplating. Soon enough it was over and they were heading home. The little pup climbed a set of three stairs leading up into the parking lot all by himself, and looked down on Jack with what almost looked like pride.

“Good job, buddy!” The pup’s tail wagged, and warmth settled over the criminal’s insides. He scooped the pup up and carried him back into the apartment.

Geoff now snored in his worn chair, laptop still resting on his knees, though it looked dangerously close to smashing on the floor. Jack sighed and put the laptop on the coffee table. “So much for that crew thing,” he muttered. The pup looked at him and tilted his head. “C’mon, buddy, let’s go take a nap.”

When Jack woke up, the pup was not in his bed. A moment of panic flashed through him and he jumped out of his bed. He ran into the living room and glanced around several times before finally catching sight of the pup. Relief washed over him, and then he let out a soft laugh.

The pup had somehow crawled onto Geoff’s lap and fallen asleep with his legs stretched out and his muzzle buried in his partner’s knees. His sock-clad back leg occasionally twitched in time with an unseen dream, and the pup let out a tiny grunt every so often.

Jack pulled out his phone and took a few pictures. The shutter sound eventually caused Geoff to stir. He let out an incomprehensible grumble and looked down into his lap. His shoulders stiffened, and he glared at Jack.

“Don’t…fucking…say…anything.”

“Say what? I didn’t put him there.”

“This…this changes nothing! He’ll be out of here by Thursday, I swear to fucking Christ!” The pup rolled over and showed Geoff his black and white underbelly. His front paws folded up against his chest and his back paws stretched out into Geoff’s lap. His mouth opened ever so slightly, revealing the tip of a bright pink tongue. Jack’s partner swallowed and tore his eyes away. “Friday. But that’s my final offer.”

“How can you look at that and still want to give him away?”

“I don’t! I mean, I do, but – shut up. Just shut up.” Geoff shifted in his chair until he was able to grab his laptop and set it on the arm of the chair. “I’m looking up good homes for puppies right now, I swear to fucking Christ.”

“Sure you are.” Jack meandered over to the kitchen and got a beer and a bag of chips for himself. When he walked by Geoff he glanced over at his laptop screen and saw an Amazon store page full of dogs wearing little suits and hats. “We’re not keeping him, huh?”

“What? Uh, it’s not what it looks like!” Geoff alt-tabbed out of the page and quickly googled ‘dog homes’. He only became more frantic when the results were all dog houses. “I, uh, you know, guy’s gotta look his best if he’s gonna win his new family over, right?”

“Uh huh. Sure.”

“Seriously. I want him to make a good first impression.”

The pup stirred and yawned widely. His tiny white teeth flashed in the light. He rolled onto his paws, shook himself and jumped onto the arm of the chair. He snuffled at the dogs on the screen and looked up at Geoff.

“Yeah? Like what you see, buddy?” Geoff rubbed between the pup’s ears. “I bet this blue deal would bring out your eyes.” He pointed at something on the screen. The pup licked his finger and wagged his tail. “We’ll make you look handsome as fuck.”

Jack just watched the scene play out like it was a movie. He hid his smile behind his beer bottle and munched on chips. The ‘staunch resistance’ looked like it would peter out soon enough.

“‘We’re not keeping him’ my ass,” he said under his breath.

“What was that?” Geoff looked up from the screen. His fingers still rested on the pup’s back.

“Nothing.”

“Seriously? This is so stupid.”

“He needs a name, dude.”

Jack looked over at the opposite wall and raised his eyebrows. “On that, we agree, sure. But this is your best solution?”

The pup’s name had been a topic of heated debate all week long. Both of them had entire lists of wonderful names that neither of them agreed on. Then, that Wednesday morning, right after Jack had finished a rather difficult carjacking job, Geoff pulled him into the living room and told him all their name troubles were solved. His ‘solution’ involved covering their dartboard in over a dozen Post-It notes with names scrawled on them in Sharpie. One toss of a dart would finally end their week long debate.

“Look, it was either this or drawing names from a hat. If you have a better idea, I’m all ears.”

“Nope. This is all you.” The pup ran toward them and sat down at Jack’s feet. He bent down and scooped him up, smiling when the pup snuffled at his cheek. “Looks like you’ll finally get a name now, if Geoff ever throws the damn dart.”

“I’m working on it!” Geoff picked up a red-fletched dart, which he claimed was his lucky dart, closed one eye, and cocked it over his shoulder. “Okay…aiming for Skeletor…really…feeling…Skeletor.”

“For the last time, we’re not naming him Skeletor.”

“Yeah? When this dart lands on Skeletor, you’re gonna look real stupid. Like…right now!” Geoff stepped forward and threw the dart. It thunked solidly into the Post-It note directly below the ‘Skeletor’ note. “Fuck.”

“Like I said, we’re not naming him Skeletor.” Jack walked forward and pulled the dart out of the board.

“That, uh, that was a misfire. That means I get a retry.”

“What – no you don’t get a retry! You said one shot would decide this! That was your one shot! So we’re naming him…” Jack grabbed the Post-It note and glanced at it. “Ryan. We’re naming him Ryan.”

“Oh my God, that’s the most boring name in the universe,” said Geoff. “I still say we should go for Skeletor.”

“Well, what do you think?” Jack looked at the pup in his arms. He gazed solemnly back at him. “You think Ryan’s a good name?” The pup tilted his head, and his tongue flopped out of his mouth. “Ryan it is then.”

Geoff glared at the faded marks on the red dart. “Traitor.”

Jack burst out laughing. The pup – now Ryan, he supposed – wiggled in his arms and let out a yip.

“Don’t get too excited, Ryan. Next up is your vet appointment.”

Ryan whined and ducked his head into Jack’s arm.

[bohomoth]

If you’re looking for a super supplement, you’ve come to the right place. Don’t believe us? – The Times newspaper recently named Lumity as one of the top three anti-ageing supplements in the world. And, as well as five-star reviews from satisfied clients across the globe, we have a long list of celebrity endorsements from Mel C, Denise Van Outen, Sophie Anderton, Olympian Rebecca Adlington and supermodel, Yasmin Le Bon, as well as top facialists, nutritionists, doctors, bloggers, influencers and magazine and newspaper editors. Read them in full below.

  Melanie Chisholm, aka Mel C from the Spice Girls, superstar singer: “I was very excited to discover Lumity – I’m really surprised how well I’ve been sleeping and how my energy is up at such a busy time.” (She’s currently recording a new solo album.)

  Rebecca Adlington, British Olympic athlete and four times gold medal winner: “Everyone has New Years resolutions but they often have stopped by February! In January I started Lumity which has massively helped my skin (no make up on, just mascara, no filter) I have worked out a lot more. I managed to workout 20 days of the 31. I’m not where I would like to be weight/dress size yet but I’m feeling a lot better for being healthy. Just now got to keep it going.”

  Zara Martin, model: “Thanks to my Lumity supplements, feeling so energised!”

  Kate Thornton TV presenter: “With less than 50 days to go until we cycle more than 180 miles across Kerala for a charity bike ride I’ll take all the help I can get! Thanks to Lumity – a much needed vitamin boost.”

  Denise Van Outen, TV Presenter: “Getting fit and healthy ahead of our mammoth charity bike ride in India with Lumity.”

  Michelle Heaton singer and TV presenter: “Looking forward to starting Lumity – I have heard such great things.”

  Eve Kalinik, leading British nutritionist: “Lumity provide the first and only natural supplement for fighting all 9 causes of ageing, and whilst I’m very conscious of not endorsing supplements generically (we are all very different!) this is a very clever blend of nutrients! They are also free from gluten, parabens, sulphites, petrochemicals, sugar and many more! Never underestimate the power of clean natural ingredients.”

  Model and business woman Sophie Anderton: “I have been using Lumity for 2 months now and it has become my new best friend! My energy levels have increased whilst my #stress levels have decreased dramatically! I am #sleeping a straight 8 hours without fail as well as bouncing out of bed in the morning feeling strong and energised. On a beauty level my hair and #nails are stronger than ever, whilst my #skin glows! As I do not usually take supplements it is very easy for me to say Lumity works!”

  Mary Greenwell, top make up artist: “I am cleansing and getting ready to have my skin and body in ultimate health. So I’m turning to Lumity. Feeling on top of the world.”

  Nichola Joss, top facialist: “Lumity is a beauty vitality and wellbeing food supplement that enhances inner and outer glow.”

  Ruth Bradley, actress, told Country & Town House Magazine: “For an outer glow and inner peace start taking these revolutionary day and night beauty supplements. They not only leave your complexion restored and radiant looking but they help to increase your energy levels throughout the day and aid with a deep, restful sleep at night.”

  Victoria Woodhall, Deputy Editor, Get The Gloss: “The science behind Lumity really stacks up. It really goes at the heart of the ageing process, tackling it at cellular level and helping regulate hormones, which makes a significant difference to the way we feel day-to-day. It’s certainly calmed my hormonal headaches and breakouts. I like the fact that it supports every cell function in the body, which no amount of anti-ageing cream can do.”

  Dr. André Nel, Surgeon and Cosmetologist: “Lumity ticks all the boxes as the all-encompassing food supplement that replenishes the body from within to combat the nine causes of ageing, — resulting in better sleep; more energy; increased mental clarity and a more youthful looking skin.”

  Top make up artist Attracta Courtney: “I was a little sceptical initially when I started taking the supplement as the claims in the literature were nearly too good to be true, however I am now a convert; my cold cleared up very quickly and my nails are noticeably stronger and healthier looking since I started the program. When I gave my first ever interview to a magazine years ago, I was quoted as saying that the best thing for your skin is a good nights sleep – I still quote this simple truth today, however I now add and don’t forget to take Lumity food supplements because it will help you get a more restful, deeper beauty sleep.”

  Amy Griers, Features Director, Cosmopolitan magazine UK: “At 30 years old, I thought I was still too young to benefit from an anti-ageing product, but it turns out I’m not. If you’re fed up of not knowing which cream or serum will really help your skin, I’d definitely advise trying to change it from the inside out. I’ve gone from supplement skeptic to a (relative) convert. Not all pills are created equal, but when it comes to this one, I’m sold.”

  Anya Banas, facialist who has been dubbed ‘London’s fairy Godmother of skin’: “Lumity promotes healthier skin, more restful sleep, greater energy levels and improved hormonal balance. It’s my new best friend.”

  Ashley Siedentopf, founder, Ashfab Nutrition: “My secret to feeling and looking my best is simple: Smart and healthy eating with a fitness-based lifestyle and Lumity soft gels.”

  Clemmie Telford, influencer: “Maybe she’s born with it, or maybe she uses ALL the stuff to try and reverse the effects of four years of broken sleep. If you are interested, and I won’t be offended if you aren’t, Lumity is the product I currently rely on.”

  Bethany Meyers, top New York fitness instructor: “I decided last year I needed to start taking vitamins (finally) and I went on the hunt without much luck. Most brands lasted two weeks and then I found a reason to dislike them. Then these gems from @lumitylife landed in my hands and so as not to bore you, I’ve made a list as to why you’ll love them. 1. They are more than a multi. Positioned as a beauty vitamin they not only serve as your daily intake of vitals, they also fight ageing. The formulas are designed to help you sleep, rebuild muscle and regenerate cells. Lots of fatty acids and minerals and other ingredients you don’t see in many other vitamins. I noticed big differences in my skin in particular, I’m scarring way less and the purple-ish colour is gone gone gone. 2. Easy to swallow. The pills are shaped like baby eggs and really smooth. So easy I can swallow all 3 at once and it’s not a chore. Major. 3. It’s subscriptions based so it comes right to your door. You don’t have to think about refilling. Hallelujah. 4. The packaging is splendid. It looks like it’s a fancy skincare product. So much that I keep them in my bathroom and take them when I’m doing my skincare routine in the morning and night. 5. I waited to tell you guys about these until I had taken the product long enough to see results. I’m on my fourth month and finding the longer I take them the more I like them.”

  Jo, Crystal and Vanilla UK Beauty blog: “Part of my night time routine is 3 white soft gels from Lumity – a food supplement to help my skin glow, helps me sleep better and have more energy .”

  Cheryl Mokhtari, yoga instructor: “I have been subscribed to the Lumity capsules for the past 5 months or so and absolutely loving them. They have really transformed my skin and whole outlook on life. In particular I am so much more relaxed and less anxious, and my sleep is the best I’ve ever had. I literally take my night time capsules and within 10 minutes I’m asleep for the whole night. It is truly amazing they can have such an effect.”

  Lisa Barrett, Glowology: “My sleep has improved, in that I fall asleep quicker and if I wake up in the early hours, I can thankfully go straight back to a deep slumber without annoying Stressed Husband by huffing and puffing until the alarm goes off! But although I’m sleeping better, I am sadly no more inclined to jump out of bed with renewed energy — the snooze button is still getting more action than it should do. Well, Lumity gets some great feedback but it has never claimed to dish out miracles! The biggest change in my appearance is my hair. In fact, on my the last visit to the salon, my hairdresser asked me what I had been doing to it as it had got so much thicker! I’d thought so myself but when she mentioned it without me even telling her that I’d been taking Lumity, I knew it wasn’t just a figment of my imagination. Before taking Lumity, I had been a bit downhearted about my hair getting thinner and had put it down to ageing and a fact of life, but it has really improved and so I’m delighted. Overall, I am impressed. There’s no doubt I’ve seen and felt some positive changes that can’t possibly be just a placebo effect and I’m quite happy to fork out for a monthly supply of these as, when you think about it, at £79 a month (which is the automatically replenish price) it’s not much more than I spend on buying a large coffee each day.”

  Lyn, The Lavender Barn, beauty blogger: “Within the first two weeks my sleep has been amazing, a true solid night with not even waking (amazing). I have way more energy than before, this could be where the combination of the two supplements are working in harmony, whilst I have not looked in the mirror and seen a 20 year old looking back at me, I can 100% see an improvement in the moisture levels of my skin, most noticeably on my shins, knees and elbows which really do suffer from dryness in the winter months, apart from the skin improvements I think the main thing for me is feeling better all round, better quality sleep with more energy in the day is, in my book pretty amazing in such a short time, I can only imagine there would be further improvements over time.”

  And last but certainly not least, Yasmin Le Bon told the Daily Mail’s You Magazine that Lumity is a crucial part of her anti-ageing toolbox: “I don’t believe in any magic pill; I believe in a much more holistic approach — you’ve got to tackle the body and the mind. “I noticed that with Lumity I was sleeping better (and that I even wanted to go to sleep in the first place), that I was feeling calm at a time in my life when I’m not supposed to be. “I am very hormonal, but I have been on a surprisingly even keel, more so than I have ever been, which is extraordinary because it’s not meant to be like that.” She has even been able to get back to the gym, ‘which is such a blessing’ Yasmin says.

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  Lumity is an all-natural, anti-ageing supplement. Containing a cocktail of amino acids, omega fatty acids, vitamins and minerals to protect and rejuvenate the body – the key to Lumity’s success is our night and day capsules that work in tandem with the body’s natural biorythmic cycles. Lumity works to: – Improve hormonal balance – Improve immune resilience – Reduce PMT symptoms – Increase energy – Provide a more rejuvenating sleep – Improve the quality of skin, hair & nails

  Take three in the morning when you wake, and three right before bed. Looking and feeling your best is that simple.

Lumity Love: What They’re Saying About Us… If you're looking for a super supplement, you've come to the right place. Don't believe us? - The Times newspaper…