#im worried i was always ruined
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having two different penknifes forcibly taken from you by two different friends on two different occasions has got to be top 10 most humiliating shit imaginable
#decomposing#got me using fucking stapler bullets#something has to be wrong with me#i dont cut every second of everyday#but if i dont have access to the means to cut every second of everyday#i get fucking soul crushing anxiety#this is ruining my friendships#i go into fight or flight when they take my shit away#i do things i wish i didnt do#i dont know how to fix myself#i dont want this to ruin me#im worried i was always ruined#i wont let it ruin them
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you're my number one, you're the one i want
#klance#voltron#vld#it is some kind of insane miracle it took me this long to make this about mitski#i always be putting lance in situations...#HE IS FINE. HES FINE. THIS IS A HAPPY 'YOURE ALIVE' REUNION#anyway im signing things now. is it intrusive?#this is weird but the reason i never sign my stuff is cause im like...it ruins the immersion of the piece...#im not even drawing shit thats that good tho so idk what im worried about LOLLL#anyway extremely rare warm palette moment from me#art#my art#mitski
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can i ask why ur getting the surgery? /gen curious /no hate
i am getting a bi(lateral)salp(ingectomy) bc i never want to be pregnant or be a parent!
Even if i do change my mind later about the parent thing (not super likely but things can change, sure) theres noooo shortage of single parents lmao
And even if I never End Up In The Circumstance(s) Where I COULD Become Pregnant in my life, I'd want the peace of mind anyway...
I've always felt disgusted that this is something my body is capable of. I want it to be MY body and not a site and vessel for potential tragedy in any direction. And I want it to be something permanent and not dependent on access to services/medicines or even laws!!! Dis is a gender affirming surgery for me honestly...
#anonymous#skunk mail#in the past ive always thot about how id obvs immediately get an abortion if anything happened#but along with living in texas idk#like. id obvs get it but just the thought of ever being pregnant in my life for even a little bit makes me feel sick.#idk what id do. what a betrayal by the shell im in that would be.#my mind wld be frayed forever. ive had nightmares abt it. i dont think i cld ever Enjoy Anything if i was always worried about BC failure.#pregnancy is so unnerving to me i dont even like seeing or being around pregnant animals especially when ppl start calling them Mommy or#Mama it just makes me extremely uncomfortable.#my life was destined to be tragedy as soon as I was born in this body‚ i might as well do one of the only things I can do to ease the horro#of it#ive literally had my day ruined by just remembering its something my body can do. it makes me so miserable#it feels so disgusting etc#without the surgery my life would continue to feel like its counting down to inevitable tragedy#whether it be by Scare or Assault#and why wld i continue to live my life like that if its always going to be unwanted!!!!! need permanent solution and not just a bandaid#its not like the opportunities come up often but honestly ive even been avoiding sex bc of this. id rather just not ever do it at all#than risk anything
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I need to stop having one weird reaction with someone and then letting the anxiety decide in my head that the friendship is doomed because I ruined it like it's my absolute worst trait and I just have to move past it but it's hard
#i have to operate under the assumption that if people have an issue they will tell me but unfortunately this isnt true .#and it has happened to me in the past that i thought everything was ok because people were giving signals i wasnt picking up on#due to the autism so now im paranoid and constantly looking for signs i did something wrong and people are mad#and then i find them where they arent there which perversely does more to ruin a friendship than almost anything else#like the constant Are you mad at me... so i try to force myself not to do that and just#try to again assume that people arent however. im so worried about being blindsided Also of course i naturally dont want to make people#upset so if i am doing something wrong i want to change my behavior. however the fact its nuanced like#where you have to only do that a little bit and then take people at their word most of the time#fucking sucks like you actually are required in relationships to read peoples unspoken signals but you cant do that Too much#and if you misinterpet them its bad... but you cant ask for feedback too much because thats bad too. IT DOES MY HEAD IN actually like#it makes it so hard for me to interact with people because im just worried All of the time . and i have to be constantly like#ok check the facts and adjust behavior. check the facts and adjust behavior. make sure the facts are facts and not jumping to conclusions.#ok how do i do that . ok when do i ask directly. also people dont always tell the truth when you Do ask directly .#and then this is why my whole life i have mostly kept to myself and im trying to stop doing that but its hard because talking to others is a#puzzle for me that stresses me out more than anything else. man this sucksssssss can i just BE NORMAL!!!!!!#i know like Everyone has this problem its a common issue with relationships Communication but it feels especislly difficult for me .i#like cant fathom how other people manage very large numbers of friendships like even being able to count my close friends#on one hand i feel like im barely managing everything and im letting everyone down constantly but again i think thatsnonly my perception/#worry and not even true. god
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Happy Baltimore Pride, the parade starts in 3 and a half hours and I'm already exhausted
#am i excited to be in the parade for the first time ever? yes. am i as an audhd disaster already overwhelmed? yuh.#also like. for all the team/the pres and the few sober members are trying to make it safe for us pride just isnt sober/recovery friendly#like on the grand scheme big picture culturally i mean. yes you can easily avoid alcohol during daytime hours at the streetfair etc#but ive only seen one event very clearly advertise no alcohol. the rest is very much the shots shots rail liquor sponsored by x booze etc#and thats not to say it shouldn't be im not trying to ruin the fun for everyone else thats not what this is.#its more an observation of - damn. im four months into recovery with alcohol as an autistic bipolar person. this might suck.#like this might be really hard and not be as fun as I'd hoped and I'm grieving the fact i never got the experience the pride others did#the free unhinged party that my teammates have been constantly talking about in the chat for the last week#they're already cracking open beers im sure and the grilling starts at 11am at our parade spot so that they can start drinking and save $#im used to being on the outside of the glass but its always a smidge uncomfortable. it helps having sober teammates with me#but a part of me worries about this weekend i guess.#just... not feeling great in our body. bones feel wrong. everything feels tired and heavy. poor monster doesn't want to be seen.
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i still think i have the best discord on the internet period. The key being i got to pick all the channel topics. But more importantly its such a nice tight knit community where everyone is so sweetys.
#with how many followers i get just as time passes im always worried to mention it or promote it any more cause i dont want to mess it up#its an ecosystem and i dont want to make it to alkaline with new people that its balance gets ruined#no offense not like my followers here are bad or anything#im just very precious with it now because i like everyone who hangs out in my discord so much
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this would make a really nice curtain panel pattern if i repeated it for length. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm (thinking)
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being both a sparrow apologist and a normal enthusiast is so difficult sometimes I am sitting here imagining them bonding and crying over canon and so few people truly understand me
#kasey rambles#dndads#no you guys dont understand. sparrow is a good parent! to me!!!#which is highly ironic because i was FURIOUS at him on my first listen#BUT. theres a post that puts this into words somewhere. about how judging sparrow for saying something#when he was in a state of complete vulnerability#FEELS like thoughtshaming a bit. because like#i think sparrow has this mentality of. i dont have to be proud of someone to love them. and i will love them so hard in spite#because he gets too in his head and he worries and he doesnt want normal to be like him#and he feels like this about henry and lark too- hes not proud of them. in fact theyve both actively mistreated him. but he loves them#and that's enough#its like. we're not sitting here bashing on grant for the REALLY shitty way he inflicts his own self loathing onto link#because we know grant only says this when hes vaguely sauced#but sparrow gets SO much heat for saying hes not proud of normal when he was both drunk AND sauced simultaneously#and maybe like. if there were signs that sparrows let this mentality ruin their relationship in the past?#but theres not. the reason it hurts normal so much is because it was UNEXPECTED.#it made him doubt his own memories and his history but. as far as we know. its only doubts. sparrow loves normal so much#and sparrows always been the first one sitting there apologizing (which is another story: we love seeing him continue the oak cycle)#and loving. and accepting normals anger.#god this was such a rant im sorry for anyone actually reading my tags shdjfkdkkfvk#i just have such strong feelings about how like. in comparison? sparrow is NOT as bad of a parent as yall think he is#and i think the only reason we think otherwise is because we only see him through normal#if we got his own pov? youd forgive him just like we forgive henry#also i would kill for sparrow choosing normal over lark i feel like thats a decision hes gonna have to make pretty soon
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The best feeling in the world is when there’s a piece of media you know you love and you’ve hyped it up as your favorite thing for so long but you haven’t revisited it in a while so you start to worry if it’s really as good as you make it out to be and so you go back and revisit it and it’s like. Oh this is even better than I remembered this shit rules
#the klock keeps ticking#i always get this feeling when i play 999 but tonight i got it with the letter#cuz ive uh finally decided to bite the bullet and play the evil meanie route where everyone dies 😟#a route ive put off for so long cuz its just too damn sad to think about akjdksk god it hurts#and ive played like for the most part every route of this game EXCEPT this one but i know the ending is really dark and i need to see it#plus i will at least get my beloved torture scene in so thats nice#i didnt kill off isabella though its a coma route which i hope still allows me to get the ending i want cuz i mean shell still be out of#commission in the final scene so hopefully it works out#but yeah no i started off tonight on the marianne chapter and while i did skip around through it cuz ive played it many times and i just#wanna get to the important stuff already alskj i also just replayed some of the best parts#aka the shit where lorraine appears and the gay shit alksks and god like hnnnghh not only does this chapter still ruin me emotionally#i also just remembered why i love this character so much and remembered just how good the character writing in this game is#and i also played into the rebecca chapter and didnt skip as much cuz i actually am not as familiar with the coma route#cuz it makes me sad and i never revisited it lol and i havent gotten to The Scene that makes me sob yet#its so coming though dont worry but idk i guess its just been cuz ive been thinking about p3 so much lately#and in particular shinji both the death route and coma route but in particular the coma cuz thats what im writing#and damn lol the letter just writes the grief and nuanced relationships and death stuff so much better lol god#like marianne loses her childhood best friend whom she has a gay ass relationship with to suicide and like its just better#she blames herself and still isnt even kinda okay with it after 13 years#like it just fucking ruined her and the only thing keeping her from losing it is her repression and drinking problem and unattached sex#and then with coma route well fucking first off isabellas friends actually like. visit her frequently damn#and they just all have such unique ways of coping like Zach is being optimistic so no one gets too upset#rebecca is sorta in charge of making sure everything goes smoothly she has to contact the family and make big decisions#and shes also just taking the most stress and shes got so many complicated feelings around isabella going on but she genuinely cannot stand#that isabella is hurt shes fucking destroyed she loves isabella and then ashton AAAAA god yeah i also just remembered that hes SUCH a good#character hes like being a genuine asshole right like Rebecca calls to tell him that isabella is comatose now and he literally doesnt let#her say anything he literally says ‘i dont have time for other things rn’ like the wellness of his friend is just ‘other things’#but you just know thats not it not at all hes burying himself in work to the point of destruction so he can figure out who did this and make#everything okay and he refuses to show even an ounce of vulnerability cuz THE SECOND HE DOES IT ALL COMES OUT AND HE CANT GET OUT OF BED#ANYMORE CUZ HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO BE OKAY WHEN THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE IS DYING
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Not worth my time or my energy, get bent
#its been days of this insane roller coaster of will or wont my ex off himself inbetween sending me texts telling me how much i ruined him#i fall asleep for one little nap on the ciuch for him to start his bullshit again#b speaks#vent post#its so exhausting and im always so worried hes done something but then he comes back with shit like->#“hope youre having fun” and “the less i know the better”#you found some kink items and sex toys while being nosey WOW#i sleep alone in MY king size bed with all my stuffies ya big jerk
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#dissociating really bad while i was going home only to come back home to my mother's insane evil bullshit#needless to say i feel deeply unwell. the world is driving my half insane. i feel like I'll never be free#like should i blow up my life? should i break up with my partner? should i ruin my friendships? should i completely disappear#all of these are things that are within the realm of possibility and feel like even a certainty bc there's nothing to stop me from that#there's no resistance or deterrence like there is to getting better. to moving out and trusting i can always pay rent.#to knowing myself fully and knowing what i want. to not feeling hunted and disembodied all the time#to not worrying for my brothers. knowing what im leaving them to.#ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im going to do some chores to calm down#oh it pisses me off so much how much my psych keeps minimizing the impact of the genocide. white woman you will never understand my grief#and im on the max dose of my medication so she cant even raise it like she wants to. lmao! lmao.#i see the rationale in wanting to adjust my medication given how im fairing but it just is so funny. what medication is meant to help me#survive this exactly. how is a person supposed to get through this without going insane.
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tw assault, don't worry, just thinking out loud
it's horrible that people feel that they have to question themselves like was I actually assaulted, I did the same thing, but it's nice to know that this uncertainty isn't a me thing
#is it bad that i just go hold on hold don't worry about me it was just physical but also he did like me#so im just glad there were people there and that they worried#but i do feel a sorta burden that im still thinking about it#because the people there asked me whether they should talk to the guy to make him stop but i said no even though i had tears in my eyes#because we were /just/ playing around#him lifting me up and then putting me on the floor and then fucking holding me down legs around my legs#like he's a fucking alien#he's a huge guy#i feel like it's too late to tell my best friend#it was her party#and he was there at the party the next year#and he was nice didn't seem like he had memories of it#and nothing happened#I don't want to unnecesarily ruin my friends friendships#and he might get the wrong idea#my mind always go to oh he was drunk#he'd drunk a lot so is it that big of a deal#i felt terror when his legs coiled around my own#genuinly what the fuck is wrong with the guy#i watched hoots' newest video which made me think#but the thing is i've got a habit of staying silent about things having been done to me#i got bullied throughout fucking kindergarten and some elementary school#never told anyone#and my parents were always like why are you never playing with anyone#idk maybe because i can name the names of people who like to see me cry
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i need eddie to get another guy friend in season 8, and buck loses his shit about it (again), so he breaks up with t because he's convinced that the weird feeling he gets when he sees them together is because he is Really attracted to the new guy.
#like things with t are fine cuz he likes exploring this new side of himself even if t doesnt always match his energy but whatever its fun#and maybe at work chim is the one who brings up eddies new friend and he is immediately just. what new friend?#chim laughs and says. tbf last time eddie got a new friend you attacked him so you could date his friend. hes probably keeping it to himsel#and bucks like. dude what. that was. yeah it was shitty of me but it was a one time thing. i wont do it again...#and when eddie shows up for shift buck immediately asks about his new friend and eddie tells him about the guy without hesitation#after shift tho buck is like. why didnt you tell me about him? after t i get why you dont want to but im just. you dont have to worry man.#buck. i know. im not worried. anyway he and i are gonna head to a bar to catch the game. you want to come with? you can bring t if hes free#oh. thats. thatd be okay? i dont want to idk ruin the vibe by bringing a date#nah man. itll be fine#and so he and t go to the bar and eddies already inside with the new friend and its Fine. its Great actually because t gets along with eddi#and the new guy and the new guy makes eddie laugh and doesnt miss a beat and knows more about the teams record this season than buck and#buck is doing Fine. this guys smile is big and his eyes are bright and when he laughs he sorta leans into eddies space alittle and its Fine#the night ends and buck and t go back to his apartment and buck cant stop thinking about that guys hand when it clapped down on eddies#shoulder or the look on his face as he teased eddie about the beer he drinks (cuz its kinda bad but only buck can say that) and buck Cant.#he wants that guy. he wants his hands and grin and teasing voice all to himself and not on eddie.#so he breaks up with t and ts confused af cuz i thought things were going good?#yeah. i just. i want to explore my options yk now that ive uh figured out i like men.#and its a clean break. not dramatic or messy. t tells him to call if he every changes his mind. buck wont.#bucks trying to not pry about eddies new friend and he doesnt grill eddie or anyone and just waits and listens to all the new info he gains#and eventually eddie invites him out to watch another game because whatever team they were watching made it to the playoffs#and when he gets there eddies like. no t tonight?#nah we. uh. we broke up.#eddie says sorry man that sucks. and the new guy is like. honestly he didnt even seem that into you which what an idiot. youre great.#and its good because the new guy splits his attention between the two of them now. eddie isnt the only one getting hands and grins and eyes#and the third time theyre at the bar the guy follows him to bathroom and kisses him hard against the door before pulling back with a#panicked sorry and leaving and when buck finds eddie after hes like. what happened? new guy ran out of here without even saying goodbye#he kissed me in the bathroom. i think uh. i think he was kinda freaking out about it and thats why he left.#and eddie just blinks at him before being like. buck. buck you said you werent going to do this again.#i didnt mean to! and buck means it. he just saw the way that guy made eddie laugh and put his hands on eddie and had eddies attention and#oh.
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still thinking abt the tumblrinx i encountered a while back whose pinned post said they were transmasc… and also demanded that men dni
like—i’m not confused by the convoluted not-like-the-other-boys doublethink that gets you there, i can follow the chain of illogic just fine, but i sure am deeply wearily depressed by it!
#i know plenty of good men—good cis men even! gasp!#and i just think like. if we can’t move away from‚ like‚ cold gender war how the fuck do we move forward#fundamentally like. 100% block people who have behaved towards you in ways you didn't like.#but like. this whole thing where ~afabs~ preemptively self-victimize by conjuring up the creepiest cishet man they can imagine#and self-harm by worrying abt that imaginary guy jacking off to them#is just like. i understand how it happens but it’s like. you’re actively doing negative visualization#and‚ like‚ preemptively self-victimizing#ime it feels a lot better to move through the world unworried‚ in the knowledge that if someone says sth gross to you: you can block them!#anyway ultimately i’m pretty clearly making this post bc i'm overdue to unfollow the tirfiest blogger i’m currently following#like. yeah loads of cishet men are shitheads but ~misandry~ is so last decade#and frankly i don’t have a lot more time for the cishet women who have bought into the same system—like i have some sympathy but.#these people all get warped by the system into complementary fucked-up cogs whose teeth bite into one another#and i’m just not interested in biting back—i want to leave all the biting behind in the dust of the junkyard that birthed it#and like. i don’t want to dismiss the oppression that births this sort of rhetoric. it's super real and it's toxic and it fucks people up.#but it’s like. when people have bad dads and then are like Dads R Always Bad!!!#and i’m just over here like. i don’t know how to say this without sounding like i’m invalidating you but my dad was a fucking saint tbh#not perfect dgmw but like. a sweet gentle encouraging man who got ground down by my mother’s toxic heel along with the rest of us#so like. actually not only are you closing yr eyes to a better future‚ yr closing yr eyes to other ppl’s lived realities#like i personally managed to have a totally life-ruining mother without deciding Mothers Are Ontologically Evil Actually!#idk. obviously women remain *enormously* systemically oppressed! but surely we can acknowledge and decry that without#implicitly rhetorically closing off any possibility of a gentler queerer gender dynamic?#anyway none of this is revolutionary i’m just like. i KNOW the fascists want to cut off my toes and force me into the glass slipper#of viciously constrained femininity#that in turn makes itself feel better by sneering at men‚ critiquing other women who Do It Wrong‚ and exerting control over children#so i have strong personal cause to care about misogyny even if i didn’t care about it in the abstract#but i just think like. acting like traditional gender roles and dynamics are a fixed truth we can only bruise ourselves on#instead of a human construction that we can undermine and work to topple#is not actually the path to a healed world in the long run!#anyway. beta edition post (thumbtyped & not reread): may contain bugs.
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i really want to tell my best friend i’m in love with her but she’s very vocal about how frustrated it makes her when all her friends inevitably confess their love for her
#like i get it im aware that a girl can’t have guy friends without at least half of em catching feelings ive BEEN THERE#and she’s so magnetic#literally everywhere she goes she’s got people crushing on her#we have worked many jobs together and at least half the staff wants her#and her boyfriends a bum!!!!#she should dump him and be with me instead!!!#but she also hates long distance and im moving across the state in like two weeks#and i know most of her frustrations are directed towards men and im not a man i want to have a nice nblw/wlw relationship with her#but it can’t be fun for her to always wonder if she’s bound to never have platonic friendships#and if she feels like she can’t preserve our friendship if she rejects me she’s probably gonna drop me#she’ll do it nicely but she will#i love that about her she always stands her ground but i just wish i wasn’t so worried#i want to tell her so bad. i need her to know.#i hate being scared that i’m gonna ruin our friendship cause i do this all the time#but how can i not love her????#im going crazy#cori rambles#lovely mumblings
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just remembered i'm going to be 20 this year can everyone give a moment of silence. teenager was so endless and it's going to be over before i know it this is my life and it's just flying by and i feel like im only ever just incidentally moving through life and like i'm never doing all i could be doing never feeling like i'm living my life the way i'd be living in it if i really cared but i don't want to try to change that bc rotting in bed is so appealing lol
#except when i hang out with or talk to friends that's the only time i feel like im alive#and it's not like an i feel like im not doing enough when im working my ass off legitimately doing nothing lol#but id rather just rot in bed and have no work ethic and not make time to shower like a. just an awful aimless person LMAO#<- he worked so slow today like he always does and messed shit up and has to go in early to try and catch up and he's so mad about it#working with a partner stresses me out bc i want to do things and then i worry im cutting them out of it and also doing it badly and im#gonna ruin it for both of us and they could've done it better and they're going to hate me and i've never done anything right whateverrrrr#i want to live in a room where i can do my little crafts and learn things at my own pace and hang out with friends and go to events all the#time. and i feel like im a bad person for that because everyone has to participate in society in SOME aspect part time or volunteering or#whatever. the make text post button is like therapy for me i like to imagine this is what i'd say if i had a therapist lol#alex talks
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