#and if she feels like she can’t preserve our friendship if she rejects me she’s probably gonna drop me

[cloudshapedpatch]

i really want to tell my best friend i’m in love with her but she’s very vocal about how frustrated it makes her when all her friends inevitably confess their love for her

[realaristocat]

Bailey was the first person I ever truly loved. When we met it felt cosmic--an instantaneous friendship unlike any I had ever had before. She climbed my castle walls and hoisted me over the edge because they were hers as well, and maybe we could escape if we climbed them together. 

“Come into the other room with me,” she led my hand. “Kiss me.” I blushed. I don’t know if I can do that because I want to kiss her. What if I like it too much? What if she knows? “It doesn’t mean anything,” she says. But we don’t have to sneak away into a dark bedroom when we kiss our other friends. “I love you,” she tells me one night over the phone. I tell her that I love her too. “No,” she says, “you don’t get it. I love you.” And I do get it--I love her, too. 

She threatens to kill herself often. Having unmedicated depression, I relate to her, but her pain hurts me. I would do anything for her. We blackout together. We can be ourselves if we can’t remember in the morning. Maybe it’s the Irish in me, but I always remember. “Did you mean what you said?” I ask. She says she can’t remember because she’s a bad person. “I’m a lesbian,” she tells me on the phone. I make a stonewall joke because I don’t know how to respond. I’m queer too, but we’ve never talked about this out loud. “It’s funny,” she says laughing, “but it’s really not. I’m going to go walk into traffic now.” She stops picking up her phone. I call her ex boyfriend and he pays a friend to drive around the streets of the District looking for her. A couple months later, I grab her wrist while she drunkenly wandering away from me. There’s a scar going down the length of her arm. My heart lurches because I can’t stomach the thought of the person I love being hurt. I ask her what it’s from. “The night I called you,” she replies. Guilt floods over me.

She flirts with me. Our friends ask what’s going on because it’s obvious. I ask her and she denies everything. I tell her that I do love her the way she loves me. “Ew, no.” She responds. I crumble. All the shame I overcame topples down as the rug is yanked out from under me. She told me she was gay, so I must not be pretty or hot enough for her. She continue to flirt and I ask her why. Why is she doing this to be? Baiting me with her affection, reveling in my attention, then rejecting me over and over. I’m all apart. I talk to my therapist--a stud from Baltimore. “You know this is a relationship, right?” She asks. No, Bailey is my best friend. I was wrong for crossing the line. My therapist tells me that this is obviously more than friendship. “It’s an emotionally abusive relationship,” she tells me one afternoon when I come in already crying over Bailey. 

We fight. Rather than coming to a conclusion she pours a bottle of red wine in a red sox tumbler and tries to force me to drink it. I push it away, but she keeps holding it up to my mouth. I’m crying and asking her why she gives me her love, just to act like I’m crazy and imaging it. “I’m a bad person,” she repeats. Sometimes we fight until I’m sure the police are going to be called by a neighbor. “If I didn’t love you, would I give you this?” she throws a stoneware bowl at my head that reads, you and me forevermore. I don’t stay. I can’t stay. My heart lurches and I reel for weeks, months, then years. Eventually I stop caring about her, but I care about myself. I can’t forgive her, but my heart still hurts.

I swipe through apps. As a survivor, it’s always been hard for me to match with men, worrying that they’ll ignore my autonomy and take what they want. Now I’m afraid of women, too. How do I know a partner won’t manipulate me? How do I know they won’t give love and take it just as quickly? How do I know they won’t scream at me until I cry? How can I trust anyone enough to ever open up to them about anything at all? Is it stupid that I’m still this scared? I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. It gets lonely, but it’s self preservation, I guess.

[therealvinelle]

Hi, love your metas and your fic. I think you mentioned somwhere that at the end of BD Aro was trying to prevent the fight. What were his motives? According to Edward, the Volturi are cowards, but I didn't get this feeling. Caius was begging for a battle, the guard vocally proclaimed willingness to die for the cause... hell, Jane had to be restrained from running to Bella and punching her in the throat. And I find it unlikely that their leader is less brave than them. Explain Aro's brain pls

Thank you so much! That’s really nice of you to say. And sorry for the late answer.

And explain Aro’s brain, whew. That is a very big question with a very long answer and this post will be a manifesto by the time I’m done. But you wanted Aro’s brain explained so manifesto it is.

So, before we go anywhere I have to make the distinction between Aro of the books and Aro of the movies. Those two are different people.

Starting with appearance, because casting does a lot for me and if a big deviation is made it better be like Ruth Wilson as Marisa Coulter, which is to say it better fit the character. Also, disclaimer, I think most of Twilight was miscast, and especially the Volturi. I’m forever dying at Caius looking like Lucius Malfoy. However, this is an Aro post, so we’re highlighting Aro.

Aro of the books is a twenty-something Greek with skin that has petrified and eyes covered in a milky sort of film, which totals to him looking perfect, as all vampires do, yet frail. When he walks it looks like he’s gliding. This is an otherworldly, ancient, inhuman being. He’s energetic and excitable, yes, but if anything that should add to how very other he is. Casting Michael Sheen is a clear signal that the movies were going in a completely different direction with Aro. Sheen is a great actor who played what he was given perfectly, but what he was given was a very different character.

In New Moon the book, Aro first rejects Edward request because this is Carlisle’s gifted son, and more, this is not what the Volturi do. They are not hitmen. It’s just a big no all around.

Bella enters, and the Aro she meets is a very polite and gracious man who’s delighted to see the human still alive, and pleased Carlisle’s son won’t be suicidal anymore. However, Edward fully intended to step into the sunlight in the middle of Volterra, specifically to provoke the Volturi, and he has broken the law with Bella. Further, Edward makes it clear that he fully intends to walk out of Volterra with his human still human, and that she’ll die of old age if he gets his way. Edward’s contempt of the law could not be more clear. However, Alice shows Aro that Bella’s fate is sealed, she turns or she dies. The law will be upheld. Aro is glad to hear it, and lets the Cullens all go home.

All in all, it’s a very tense occasion where Edward has put Aro in a difficult position, because he’s trying to force him to kill his best friend’s son, and Aro goes “YES THANK GOD” when Alice finally gives him an out.

New Moon of the movies was not this. Starting with the flashback (because I’m being thorough), Aro executes a lowly criminal himself.  I object to that, I think that’s a menial task and Aro doing it himself made the Volturi look less regal, not more. Cut to the present day, Aro rejects Edward’s request because he doesn’t want to waste his gift. We get the whole meeting with Bella, and Aro… well I don’t know why he does any of the things he does. This guy never mentions his friendship to Carlisle, tries to kill our plucky heroes three times in the space of one minute (one, gives Felix the order to kill Bella, stopped by Edward. Two, moves to decapitate Edward, stopped by Bella. Three, he’s about to eat Bella, stopped by Alice), and when he lets them go it feels terribly convenient.

This was a guy written to be the villain of the series, and it showed.

Cut to Breaking Dawn part I’s ending scene, and while I love the song choice for the scene, and fully agree that Aro considers misspelling Carlisle’s name to be a capital offense, the scene itself… we are presented with a villainous, power-hungry megalomaniac who’s just waiting to strike against the Cullens.

We then get Breaking Dawn part II, and I haven’t seen that movie in years but I remember the fight scene well enough. Aro kills Carlisle with the biggest grin on his face, and gives the go-ahead to his Volturi to kill the surviving Cullens and their witnesses.

Contrast that with canon, where Aro’s first words to Carlisle are «Nothing would make me happier than preserving your life today». Now, he’s making it very clear that this meeting will most likely end with Carlisle’s death, but he’s not happy about it. He’s certainly not going to kill him with a smile on his face and laughter in his heart.

The movies needed a hammy villain, and that’s what Michael Sheen played. It is not who Aro is, at all. And he’s not the only character this happened to, but again, this is an Aro post so I’m not going to start raging like Don Corleone about what they did to my boys.

So, with the movies firmly expelled from the post, let’s look at the Twilight series from Aro’s point of view.

Or, rather, we’ll have to start earlier because Aro’s decisions throughout the series are pretty clearly motivated by Carlisle. And that means considering, “why is Carlisle so important, anyway?”

Consider these things: one, Aro is gifted with the power of knowing every single thought a person has ever had. He knows your soul. Two, Aro is the leader of the supernatural world, he has been for over a thousand years.

How many friends does a person with that power and in that position have?

Three, who does Aro even come into contact with?

Starting with number three, for Aro it’s going to be 1) criminals, 2) Volturi guard hopefuls, 3) Weirdos like Laurent who are wasting Aro’s time.

(“But what about the guard!” Well, while we observe close interpersonal relationships between Aro and Jane, and Aro and Renata, and one can assume Corin to be close to the wives, the distinction between Volturi coven and Volturi guard remains. The guards are servants, in some cases beloved servants, but servants nonetheless. It would be inappropriate and weird for Aro to start slumming it with Demetri and Felix)

So, Aro doesn’t get out much, which brings us to point two. The people he does meet, and who are willing to entertain a friendship with the Volturi leader, are going to be people who want something. And that might work for some rulers, Louis XIV built Versailles specifically to make his subjects do this for him, but he had something to gain politically from that. Aro does not, his power is supreme without a need to tolerate brown nosers. More, with his own and Marcus’ gifts, he’ll know right away that he’s being used for power. He would get nothing out of it.

Finally point one, Aro’s gift. Say that we have a vampire who’s not a weirdo and who thinks Aro’s a cool dude. Well, the question now is, who would ever want a person in their life who knows all there is to know about them? I wouldn't want anybody to know every thought I've ever had, I certainly would never seek out a person to know me that deeply when I could just go find normal people to be friends with instead. Not to mention how incredibly unequal such a friendship would be.

In short, I don’t think Aro has any friends.

Enter Carlisle a very amiable person who cherishes Aro for his personality, and doesn’t mind having his mind read. Aro just found a unicorn. Carlisle on his end likes Aro so much that he lives with him for decades. Even if you want to read their relationship as platonic, that’s still a very strong friendship.

Point being that Carlisle is unbelievably precious to Aro, and so very unique. Aro has lived for over three millennia, and never met anyone like this before. There won’t be another Carlisle.

This in turn makes him willing to stretch as far as he can to preserve that friendship and, as the plot thickens, keep Carlisle alive.

Fast forwards to 2006, and Aro is sitting in Volterra minding his own business when Carlisle’s son walks into town demanding his own execution. He has not committed any crimes. Not only is assisted suicide not something the Volturi even do, but this would ruin Aro’s friendship with Carlisle. Even if Carlisle was miraculously understanding of Aro killing his son (which I can’t imagine he would be), this would never leave the air between them. Carlisle could never be around him again after something like that.

So, Aro turns down Edward’s request. “Stupid Volturi man ruining my dramatic suicide, I’ll show him who’s boss!” Edward replies, and runs shirtless into the sunlight. I’m sure Aro was just dying, you had “The Sound of Silence” playing as he stared into nothingness because how is this happening to him. A whiplash of an hour later, Bella is alive again, Aro is happy, we can be done with this now, right? Right?!

No, Edward says, we cannot be done with this. He’s still refusing to turn Bella.

And so we get that whole New Moon exchange where Aro very tellingly shoves the part where Edward WALKED INTO THE SUNLIGHT IN VOLTERRA under the carpet and out of the conversation (for comparison: Irina is executed for false testimony and Bree for breaking a law she didn’t know existed), and he even allows Bella to leave human when he could easily have bitten her himself to keep the Cullens honest. This guy went out of his way to be lenient and show the Cullens good faith.

And then a few months later Irina walks into Volterra, bearing memories of what is unmistakably a Cullen immortal child.

Aro may care for Carlisle, but this is the guy who killed his baby sister so he’d still have Marcus’ gift. He will bend far, very far, for those he cares about, but he will not break. It’s duty above love, Volturi above Aro’s personal preferences. An immortal child is not an offense that can be tolerated, and so it’ll be Didyme 2: Aro Kills Someone He Loves Boogaloo.

By now I think it should be quite clear why I think Aro was trying to prevent the fight. Battle would have meant Carlisle’s certain death.

(And that’s even assuming the Volturi won the fight. With Bella there, there was a chance the Volturi wouldn’t prevail. But even before Bella started showing off, Aro was very much hoping this wouldn’t be another Didyme situation.)

[mikeshanlon]

i really enjoy the way young royals explores the theme of legacy and how detrimental it can be to have to live up to a legacy or be obsessed with reputation. (analysis and thoughts under the cut)

i think wilhelm resents the fact that he has to live up to the role of being in the royal family and yet is very afraid of ruining that legacy bc of all the pressure. before he was sent off to hillerska he went to a normal school and wanted normal people around him and was content with erik having to take on the responsibilities of crown prince. and when he does have to assume that role he says he can never be erik, that he’s always had to be compared to him and obviously doesn’t like that. but even before erik passed and he had to take on those duties he was afraid of fucking up the legacy of the crown, when he sees that sign in the hallway that says you are in charge of your own legacy after he holds hands with simon, his anxiety worsens. you can tell it’s been instilled in him for a long time that what is most important is the crown’s reputation rather than his own wants. in the scene where him and simon fight about alexander being caught, he obviously wants simon to stay, but he focuses on how him doing drugs will fuck up his family’s reputation if it gets leaked. as much as he cares for simon, his legacy and his duties are like this oppressive cloud hanging over him. 

i do think that wille cares for his family of course but to me it’s different that the sort of loyal unconditional care with simon and his sister/mom. erik and wille had unconditional love, erik understood how difficult being a prince in the public eye was, and wille obviously cared for him deeply and felt like he could to talk to him about issues. his relationship with the queen is much more strained, she wants a tailored, doctored representation of him in the media, he cannot be anxious and bite his nails, she makes all the decisions for him. family is important to wille partially because it has to be bc of how special his family is. he helps his family, he helps august pay his tuition, and then makes a point of disowning august after his betrayal as his new “brother”. but again, because of the royal status and expectations upon the family, that supersedes and colors all of their relationships with each other. it seems to be more a sense of “duty” than unconditional love. especially after erik’s death, wille always has to consider how the crown’s image will be impacted, even though he never wanted to have this responsibility, or even the responsibility of being the “regular” prince under erik. being a family unit that is under constant public scrutiny is going to strain relationships. the queen knows that the anxiety of fucking up his legacy will get to him, and she uses that to get wilhelm to back out of admitting it was him in the video and coming out. wilhelm has to choose between his own happiness and their reputation, is forced to think that denying it’s him in the video is the only way. he loves simon and wanted to live freely, but that pressure of legacy won out.

i don’t know if i think wille necessarily values the crown over his own personal happiness and relationships, like in the way maybe the queen does--i don’t think it comes from a place of “i’m lucky to be prince and owe my duty to the crown, so i do what i have to do to stay that way” (like how the queen said the crown is a privilege not a punishment), but from fear of destroying the legacy and his family. afterall, he still wanted to pursue a secret relationship with simon, i think if he fully valued the crown and uplifting legacy and fulfilling his duties he wouldn’t have tried that. he wouldn’t have made a point to tell simon he loves him. hopefully we get another season because i think with the iconic ending revolution rendition and him looking in the camera, which also parallels the shot of him being forced to apologize/go to hillerska, he is realizing that focusing on legacy is taking away what’s important to him, and he’s going to shake shit up.

august is definitely the most obsessed with legacy, wanting to carry on his father’s business, being persistent on befriending wilhelm and trying to social climb, wanting power and perfection with being prefect, rowing captain etcetera. he is so obsessed with perfection and reputation he gets addicted to drugs, he fucks with simon and makes him get stuff for parties he can’t afford because good parties will make him look better, he manipulates sara multiple times, he mostly wanted felice because of her nobility, he fucking films wilhelm and simon and OUTS him, his own cousin. he hates that wille has everything he wants but isn’t as interested in preserving and more importantly improving the legacy he’s inheriting. meanwhile august’s familial legacy is dwindling, and he holds on to the last bit of assets and names that he can.... v much sick and a weirdo that shows how harmful being obsessed with legacy is

the queen is of course v focused on legacy and it really breaks my heart and makes me angry that she doesn’t care about wilhelm’s happiness more than their reputation, and moreso doesn’t get august in trouble for literally leaking child p*rn of her kid for the sake of appearances?!?!?! like how is he even remotely trustworthy she is wrong for that! like i said earlier the obsession with legacy puts a strain on their mother/son relationship. she doesn’t even really say anything about wille’s sexuality or his relationship, and barely comforts him, mostly goes in with a plan she’s already concocted without him to fix everything. 

erik seemed to understand and accept his role as crown prince but obviously had issues with it as well, like when he makes the plan for him and wilhelm to run from the press, or when he tells wilhelm to enjoy himself while there aren’t so many eyes on him that care. erik shows someone who has more unconditional love and empathy but still has to focus on legacy and is much more inclined to continue his legacy, but we do see those glimpses over how even the most “ideal” attitude of preserving legacy causes issues.

felice is expected to live up to her mother’s legacy, of being an equestrian, of being the lucia, but she doesn’t want either of those things. her mother wants her to be thinner and straighten her hair, and find someone of nobility to be with. obviously she does find wilhelm attractive lol but i think the main reason she pursued him and definitely why she pursued august was because she was expected to social climb and have royal kids. felice feels the need to portray a false narrative of herself on social media to uphold a certain image of herself. it’s very fucked up that her mom wants those values instilled in her but i love that felice was putting up boundaries and pushing back against her mother and the narrative she’s supposed to live up to. her giving sara the role of lucia and focusing on supporting her friends more in the latter half of the season shows growth and i’m excited to see where her story goes. 

sara is interesting because she seems to want to reject the legacy of her family and being working class and to fit in with the elite of hillerska. sara hates micke, hates that simon contacted him because it’s bringing in this “shameful” and painful part of their past (which i mean is def fair). other than sara’s betrayal in 1.06, i think the scene where she tells her family that she wants to reside at hillerska really exemplifies where she’s at in her relation to legacy/class. after dining at hillerska and living amongst the elite she gets annoyed at eating around the TV, she blames her mother for not leaving micke sooner, she gets angry with simon for caring for her. she wants to lead her own life, be popular and wanted because people want her, not for pity (even though i think simon of course truly cares abt his sister she feels annoyed with his protection and care). felice says early on that she thinks sara doesn’t care what other’s think or having friends, and sara says she still wants friends though. i think sara’s biggest thing is she wants to belong, her and simon moved schools after she was bullied for being autistic so i think that definitely affected her even though she tries to act nonchalant about hillerska at first. we see sara’s longing to fit in in smaller ways at first, like her asking her mom for a better piece of her uniform because hers are “cheap” and already worn out. she gets annoyed at simon for chewing loudly, or her mother sitting casually at the table. as she gets closer to felice and madison and all the other students, the allure of the upper class and their lifestyle draws her in more. so much to the point where she gets very anxious and upset at the idea of her and simon leaving hillerska because he’s having his own crisis and doesn’t consider his pov. so much so that she effectively betrays simon and felice, the people she’s closest to, to make a deal (and make out lol) with august to room there and “be just like him”. personally i think sara’s attraction to august is mostly that allure of the elite and that he seemed to “desire” her when he kissed her because he was being a manipulative dickhead--again that want to fit in and be wanted. and  i think there is a really interesting angle of jealousy and competition in female friendships, even if it is really subtle or not intentionally insidious or anything, sara does slowly start to trying to assume all the roles/fashions/mannerisms of felice to live that life she wants. i do think felice and sara’s care for each other is genuine and one of my fave parts of the show, but i think a lot of people who experienced being a teen girl know how we are always pitted against each other even in our subconscious because of how society treats and values women.

simon seems to be the character that is least interested in upholding legacy and tradition or giving a fuck what anyone thinks (as omar said here lmao) and that makes him a really interesting foil to wilhelm. there could be something said about micke fearing that simon is following in his footsteps, but to me that plot more so reveals how the upper class (august) continually exploit the working class for their benefit, and the trappings of generational oppression. the other thing that can be said is simon signing up for private tutoring and rowing, but again i think that serves to further show that he is forced to “play” by the game of the elites because the school/society is corrupt, and also, that simon has further ambitions outside of where he’s at. he wants to get good grades because he wants to explore new places and avenues. to me simon’s biggest motivations are his passions, the things and people he loves--music, his family, wilhelm. he isn’t loyal to others just because he’s expected to be, or uphold a certain image but because he really cares. he doesn’t watch out for sara because that’s his expected role as her brother to do so, but because he cares. he wasn’t interested in knowing wilhelm because he’s a prince like everyone else, he makes it clear he thinks the royal family are privileged and exploitative, but he is interested because he saw the real wilhelm. he’s out and proud even though his elite classmates are more conservative, he doesn’t care about voicing his unpopular opinions, he has no problem walking away from august’s dickhead behavior or calling him out on his shit. simon doesn’t care if people don’t think of him in the best light. (the only exceptions ig are the drugs conflict and the video, though literally anyone would have a problem with that because it’s much deeper that public opinion and has ramifications and is deeply traumatic--but just adding that before someone is like “well actually!”) i also think it’s interesting that most of the songs simon sings has themes of pushing back against the societal norms, and being remembered in history, plus of course the revolution song motif, and how much those songs affect wilhelm, he seems to connect deeply, like he wishes he could do those things but simon is the one who gets to sing them and actually live them.

[ajournalingtrex]

uh so do you ever realize that you’re like really not over someone ??? not in like a first love kinda way just in like a

“we almost dated last year and then it made my friend upset because we found out you a little bit played both of us and i had to reject you if i wanted to keep talking to my friend. and that was probably for the better bc i got really depressed and su!c!dal last year and that would’ve been a bad mix in a relationship. and so we stopped talking for a while and then as the year went on we got a little bit friendlier with each other to the point where we said goodbye at graduation. and i realized independently yesterday that i never totally stomped out my feelings for you, but in an effort to try to preserve momentum (and also not knowing where i stand with said friend bc her and i haven’t talked since graduation and i’m not sure if she’s still in it on our friendship) i mentally swore off dating or even the thought of dating this year because any time i try i either fuck up or it turns into a Situation and i really just can’t do that when i have so far to rebuild. but this morning you added me to your public snap and now i’m scrolling through your photos and rethinking everything”

kinda way. y’know?

[itsclydebitches]

Is it me, or does Hazel die an unapologetic hypocrite? I don't think he ever changed his mind about blaming Ozpin for his sister's death, nor apologized for trying to kill and torture Oscar, did he?

Not to my recollection, no. His arc really doesn’t answer questions like what he thought Salem was going to do to the world beyond getting rid of huntsmen academies, why he’s presumably no longer interested in pursuing that, why he’d bother to listen to Ozpin long enough take him and Oscar to the relic at all  — seriously, that could have just been a plan to waste the last question so Salem can’t have it (he even lets Oscar summon Jinn!!), or some half-baked idea to use her time-stopping abilities to escape  — and the story certainly doesn’t grapple with the hypocrisy of Hazel trying to protect children... by torturing a child. I’ve always had problems with RWBY telling me I need to feel a particular way about a character purely because we’ve been told to feel that way. The story says, “Hazel has turned now. Don’t question why, he just has, and that makes him a hero” and... I need more from my redemption arcs than that. It’s the same with Emerald. Though RWBY did a decent job of setting up her hesitancy about working with Salem and gave her an easy out in the form of Oscar and Hazel already leaving, none of that explains why the characters trust her. “Helping Oscar escape proves she’s good now!” No, helping Oscar escape proves that Emerald is smart enough to snag like-minded allies when she also wants to escape. The closest the story gets to grappling with her villainy is having Yang point to one of the few things Emerald wasn’t directly responsible for (her arm) but the scene as a whole making it clear that her anger and mistrust (regardless of the examples she uses) is Too Angry and Mistrustful and should therefore be discarded. How dare you doubt the woman who has been trying to murder you for at least three years! 

 And that feeds back into Hazel who is presented as this tragic loss in the war against Salem, rather than the murdering, torturing hypocrite he was. Which, as I’ve mentioned in other posts, wouldn’t be a problem if RWBY had a blanket rule of treating everyone with that level of compassion... but it doesn’t. Ironwood is a struggling ally they abandon when he needs guidance the most, Ozpin they actively attacked despite seeing in high definition how not responsible he was for this mess, the idea that they might try to preserve some of Lionheart’s character post-death is outright rejected... it’s so weird to see these morally gray/heroic/formerly heroic characters treated with a No Compassion policy, but then when Hazel and Emerald come along  — characters who have been trying to kill our characters for years; characters who have never been anything but villains in the eyes of the cast: never a beloved headmaster, never a respected authority figure, never an ally they worked beside for numerous months — and they get an insane level of blind trust, instant forgiveness, laughter and the beginnings of friendship. I’m not saying that characters like Ozpin, Ironwood, and Lionheart haven’t done incredibly messed up things (the latter two in particular), but imagine for a moment if, after shooting multiple people and threatening to bomb Mantle, Ironwood randomly decided to stop now and Ren told the group to trust him again because they can’t be ruled by their fear. And they do. If your reaction to that is, “That’s ridiculous. He’s killed people! Threatened so many more! He’s a bad guy now! How do they even know he’s telling the truth? That this isn’t a part of some plan he’s concocted. Aren’t they at least going to take some precautions around him?” then that’s my exact reaction to all of Volume 8 with Hazel and Emerald. After everything they’ve done, we didn’t get anywhere near the level of character work needed  — let alone work that made any sense  — to justify feeling anything over his death, or being excited for her inclusion in the group. (Beyond, of course, people who just like Emerald and are happy she’s here lol). It’s like RWBY doubles down on the characters who make arguably unforgivable, but still understandable mistakes... while giving free passes to the characters who are 100%, undeniable villains. As said, it’s weird. 

[suits-of-woe]

can you do a gay two gentlemen of verona?

(aka the post where i try to find some emotional coherence in the worst line in the canon)

well. can you do a gay two gentlemen of verona?

a. yes

b. but should you?

honestly, i'm really not sure. this play is bad. really, really bad. i assume most people reading this post know how it ends, but let's just be crystal clear: (cw rape) proteus, one of our supposed romantic heroes, tries to rape silvia after she rejects his advances. valentine stops him, but after proteus apologizes, valentine, our other hero and silvia's love interest, offers to give silvia to the man who just tried to rape her in an act of friendship.

so no, i don't think this interpretation (or any interpretation) can make that moment okay. even if it somehow could, it's just one moment, and misogyny is baked into almost every part of this play. and no, i absolutely do not mean to suggest that interpreting characters as gay can be used to excuse any of this, or that gayness is somehow an explanation for violent misogyny.

that said, we live in a world where this play exists. people talk about it and write about it and perform it fairly frequently, and since that's not changing any time soon, i do think it can be worthwhile to see what we can do with it. my interest is not in sanitizing anything but in creating some emotional coherence out of something that just feels nonsensical at first glance.

phew. so. can you do a gay two gentlemen of verona? does it actually make the play more compelling? i think it could.

you really don't have to look that far for homoeroticism in this play. i mean jesus, the first line is valentine calling proteus "my loving proteus." we get shit like this, which feels like it's just begging to be played as tender unrequited love:

PRO: [...] If ever danger do environ thee, Commend thy grievance to my holy prayers, For I will be thy beadsman, Valentine.

VAL: And on a love-book pray for my success?

PRO: Upon some book I love I'll pray for thee.

individual lines aside, the whole first scene is just...a lot. proteus has clearly been begging valentine not to leave and trying to delay their parting as long as possible. valentine makes it very clear that he wants proteus with him and he wouldn't be leaving without him if it weren't for the fact that proteus is in love. it's all just very...yeah.

so here's the interpretation i think works best: proteus and valentine are in love. they have been for a long time. valentine is aware of it. proteus isn't. he's deep, deep in denial, fixating on julia to avoid the feelings that are harder to acknowledge. and valentine's decided it's finally time to stop waiting around and let go.

so valentine goes to milan. he starts to move on. he finds genuine love with silvia (valentine is definitely bi in this interpretation), and maybe she's not proteus and he's not quite over the situation, but they're good for each other and they're happy. at least, until proteus shows up.

and proteus takes one look at valentine and silvia together and hates it. he's instantly very, very upset by that relationship, even if he can't quite put his finger on why. there's even a line where he wonders if his fixation on silvia is specifically because of the way valentine talks about her:

Is it mine, or Valentine's praise, Her true perfection, or my false transgression, That makes me reasonless to reason thus?

but it's because he loves silvia. obviously. that's the source of that jealousy. no need to investigate that any further.

and valentine is too easily falling back into old habits. we get shit like this from him:

Forgive me that I do not dream on thee, Because thou see'st me dote upon my love.

forgive me that i do not dream on thee? hello?????

meanwhile, proteus is having his own crisis. mostly about how he's betraying both julia and valentine through this, and hm, isn't it weird how those betrayals feel like the exact same thing? i mean

To leave my Julia, shall I be forsworn; To love fair Silvia, shall I be forsworn; To wrong my friend, I shall be much forsworn

the exact

Julia I lose and Valentine I lose: If I keep them, I needs must lose myself; If I lose them, thus find I by their loss For Valentine myself, for Julia Silvia.

same

I will forget that Julia is alive, Remembering that my love to her is dead; And Valentine I'll hold an enemy, Aiming at Silvia as a sweeter friend.

THING???

then we get to the part of the play that i think needs the least interpretation, because it's basically just the same. proteus is still proteus and proteus is still awful to everyone around him, just this time with the added context of all those layers of denial. valentine is still devastated to leave silvia, because he does love her, and she's the first positive force in his life in so long, and he was just starting to try to move on.

side note: ymmv with regards to silvia, she doesn't have to be in the know for this interpretation to work, but i think it works better if valentine has confided in her about proteus, at least if we want a chance at an ending that doesn't feel like pure tragedy. she knows what he's going through, knows proteus isn't good for him, and is trying to help him get past that. i think it could make the way she berates proteus for betraying valentine extra compelling, because she knows how desperately valentine cares for this man who didn't think twice before ruining his life.

and then we get to. the scene. proteus, at this point, is desperate and volatile in his obsession with control. he's convinced himself that if he just has silvia, that will be it, and he'll finally be happy. and thank god, thank god valentine is there to stop him. but valentine is also seeing his friend for the first time in a long time, and he still has this weak spot that never fully went away, and even with the absolute horror of the situation, proteus is there and proteus is apologizing and there's still a part of valentine that wants so desperately to forgive him.

Then I am paid; And once again I do receive thee honest. Who by repentance is not satisfied Is nor of heaven nor earth, for these are pleased. By penitence the Eternal's wrath's appeased: And, that my love may appear plain and free, All that was mine in Silvia I give thee.

this line can't not be appalling, but this is the only way i can see it making sense to me. it's not an actual offer, it's more just a recognition of how desperate valentine is in this moment, how much he hates himself for still caring after everything. this line spat out through angry tears, as in "fine, fine, take her if you really want her so badly, if she's really the one you care about, because for me it's always been you, so fine, take her if you really just want to take everything from me."

as for the ending, i really don't know. maybe there's a long moment when valentine and proteus hug, or almost kiss, or even just stare at each other, and maybe it seems like proteus finally gets what he's been denying the entire time.

and then proteus' page faints. the moment is broken. and then it all comes out, and face to face with julia, proteus slides right back into that comfortable denial.

i think you could maybe make the valentine/silvia ending work, if you set it up well enough. if she understands what he's been going through the whole time and is willing to forgive him, to try to move on and heal from this man who's hurt them both so much. it's messy and upsetting but maybe it's enough.

on the other hand, though, i don't know how you could preserve that emotional coherence without cutting at least some of the lines from this mess of an ending. i really don't know how you make proteus and julia getting together again anything other than horrifying. maybe you cut that part. maybe you lean into the horror. maybe- WHAT'S THIS? IT'S CRAB WITH A STEEL CHAIR

all that to say, i don't think this (or anything) can really "fix" two gentlemen of verona. and if i'm conveniently disregarding a lot of lines in favour of finding a story that i hate a bit less, well, here we are. but i do think this version could potentially make something compelling out of shakespeare's greatest trainwreck.

[mikauzoran]

The Ascendancy of The Plan ™ (re: Mikau’s WIPs)

So, I feel like I’ve gotten a lot accomplished in the past few months since I last did one of these status updates. Most of the stories I ended up writing were much longer than anticipated, and I’ve had a lot of ideas just pop into my head that I hadn’t originally been planning, so this list isn’t going to look very different from the last one, but I promise that I have accomplished things, and there are some new projects in the works. ^.^;

I’m currently posting the final chapters of Among the Wild Things and Betting Against the House. Below is a list of works I have planned for the coming months. Let me know what sounds interesting or what you’re excited for.

Anhedonia: When Adrien Met Marinette: (Adrienette, post-reveal/pre-relationship, roommates) So, I’m taking a screenplay writing class, and we’re studying the scripts of several movies to get a feel for how the writer evokes different cognitive responses from the audience. One of the movies is When Harry Met Sally. I’ve never seen this movie, but apparently it’s about two friends finally ending up together after some trials and tribulations. It’s about never giving up on finding love and happiness...only I’m feeling depressed at the moment, and I don’t want to hear about true love because I’m lonely and despair of ever finding someone to share a life with. So I’m using my feelings to write a story. ^.^ Naturally. XD

It’s post-reveal/pre-relationship Adrienette. They’re roommates, and there’s been a misunderstanding because Marinette didn’t tell Adrien how she felt about him after she found out he was Chat Noir, and he’s told her that he’s over her because he thinks that the only way to preserve their friendship (since she’s already turned down his advances as Ladybug, so, obviously, she wouldn’t want him as Marinette either). It has a happy ending, and they straighten things out because I still believe in finding true love and happiness. XD I’m a sap like that, and these two deserve happiness.

Ladrien Present: (Adrienette, Ladrien) I’m still trying to write a story where Ladybug brings Adrien’s birthday party to him. ^.^; I have half of it written (the Adrienette half), and I have an outline for the rest. I just...need to sit down and make myself write it. I’ve seriously been procrastinating on this one. I don’t know what my deal is. -.-;

Marichat Prompt: This is an overflow prompt I received as part of my Productive Procrastination Prompt Giveaway. It’s about Chat Noir visiting Marinette and it somehow coming up in conversation that Marinette has always thought of Chat as a player. For some reason, this makes Chat really angry because he can’t stand her in particular thinking that about him. I thought this story out a couple months ago, but I didn’t write it down, so now I’ve forgotten, and I’m going to have to think up the plot all over again. XD

Alyadrino Prompt: Someone sent me an Ask that said, “Snuggle party makes me imagine what if nino and alya accidentally did to adrien what luka and marinette intentionally did to him in shades 12″, and I thought, “…Oh, all right. Why not?” I had a basic outline of what I wanted to do with this story a couple months ago, but I didn’t write it down, so now I have to figure it out all over again. Oh, well. I have the basic idea, I think.

Lukadrigaminette: At the beginning of the month, I thought, “I should do Valentine’s Day stories!” I ended up writing a Marichat one, and then I had this idea. It’s not Valentine’s Day related, so I decided to shelve it for later. So, several years ago, my friend and I concocted this scheme to bake for our respective crushes and win their hearts that way. It’s a really fond memory for me, and I’m turning it into a Lukadrigaminette story. Luka and Kagami join forces to bake for Adrien and Marinette in order to win their love.

Plagg and Wayzz Prompt: I got a comment on one of my stories that said, “Can you do a top wayzz bottom plagg one? Preferably in universe and in human form. Doesn’t have to be smut.” First I thought, “What the bloody hell?” because it was a comment on a Lukadrien story, and that’s all it said, and I thought, “Well, that’s random.” I’ve never really written Wayzz before, but this gave me the idea for a story where the team is up against an akuma that somehow separates them from their kwamis, leaving the heroes unable to detransform and the kwamis in defenseless human form. What I came up with really doesn’t have anything to do with the prompt other than Plagg and Wayzz will both be in human form. It will probably just end up being a Lady Noir identity reveal piece, honestly.

Supportive Adrien Lukadrien One-Shot(?): I haven’t actually pinned this story down well yet. ^.^; I was just thinking that I wanted to write something where Adrien is the one supporting and encouraging Luka, since I typically write Luka being a supportive presence for Adrien. I was thinking that the scenario could be that Luka is feeling down because Marinette still loves Adrien and things aren’t going well between Marinette and Luka, so Adrien takes Luka on an outing and confesses his love and they live happily ever after or something.

The only thing is that a different scenario is trying to creep into this story. It’s really weird. It’s post-Papillon defeat, and Adrien is twenty-four (Luka is twenty-six). He’s been in kind of rough shape the past few years since his father was arrested and he lost his family and home and fortune. He couldn’t finish university, and he’s been travelling around, trying to find work and make a life for himself. He ends up back in Paris, broke, and auditions for a band because he happened to see a flyer advertising for a new lead vocalist. It just so happens that it’s Luka’s band, and Luka ends up finding out about Adrien’s situation and taking him in and feeding him...but that scenario is just more Luka taking care of Adrien, and that’s not what I wanted to write. XD It also feels like multiple chapters, and I don’t want to go there. Oh, well. We’ll see what happens.

Adrien Trapped in AU-Land: (Adrienette, canon universe featuring AUs) My idea is based off of a writing prompt submitted by @graaythekwami on the @miraculousfanworks Discord server: AU where all the characters wake up in a different AU every chapter, fully remembering what happened in the last AU. My idea is for Chat Noir to get hit by an akuma (probably named Escapist or something equally dumb ^.^) who traps Adrien in a series of alternate realities (AUs) until he realizes his feelings for Marinette and manages to break free.

L’Amour de Loin: (Lukadrien, post-Papillon defeat, Félix wingman) I did a sneak peek for this here. This was one of the two “Winter Lukadrien Pieces” mentioned on my last status update. Adrien is living in London with his aunt and cousin three years after Papillon’s defeat and arrest. He’s in rough shape and hasn’t kept in touch with anyone from Paris. One day, he gets a text from Luka out of the blue, and they rekindle their friendship. Félix acts as wingman to ensure that it turns into something more.

Adrienette Hanahaki: Awhile ago I did an ask game about a trope I’d like to try writing, and the one I came up with was Adrien with Hanahaki disease (The one where you start coughing up flower petals due to unrequited love making flowers grow inside your lungs). I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve decided I’d like to actually write this story. My basic outline is: Adrien starts showing symptoms, and Gabriel badgers him about whom he’s in love with, and Adrien just blurts out, “Marinette!” And Gabriel threatens Marinette into dating Adrien, and they start fake dating but then fall in love.

Happenstance and Magic: Marichat May 2019. Marinette and Chat Noir adopt kittens together, and Adrien tries to get Marinette to see that he’s not perfect but still a worthwhile person deserving of her love.

I’ve been thinking about this one, and I think I’m going to cut the number of prompts I actually use. Once I’m done with the other stories, I want to sit down and make a more thorough outline of what I want the story to be and which prompts I’m going to use to get me there.

The Seduction of Adrien Agreste: This is part of the Springtime in Wonderland (Daisy/Jabberwocky) series. It deals with Luka and Adrien experimenting with physical intimacy to see if they can reach a compromise where Luka and (asexual) Adrien are both comfortable and have their needs met.

Things Currently on the Backburner:

The Rejects Club: Predominantly Marichat with Adrienette. Chat Noir and Marinette unexpectedly grow very close very fast as they open up to one another after Marinette overhears Adrien seemingly dismissing her as a romantic prospect. Identity shenanigans at farcical levels ensue.

I can’t really deal with Rejects right now. I’m feeling super overwhelmed by basic life stuff, so I don’t really have the mental or emotional energy to put into a story where I don’t know how many more chapters there will be until the end. I’m thinking that what I have planned will take at least another one or two hundred thousand words. This thing is just so massive, and I’m not in good enough mental heath to deal with it right now.

Springtime in Wonderland: Yeah, no. See the paragraph directly above. This is another one that’s going to take another couple hundred thousand words to complete, and I just don’t have the stamina in me right now. I’d rather focus on smaller projects that actually feel attainable. I’m trying not to burn myself out.

And that’s it for the moment. I’m sure I’ll come up with plenty of other stuff between now and the next time I do a status update post, but is there anything that you’re particularly interested in? Let me know what you’re thinking.

Thoughts? Feelings? Suggestions? Opinions? ^.^

[faelapis]

Help, 2 of my best friends think Spinel going with the Diamonds at the end throws away her character arc because she goes from her toxic dependant relationship with Pink to the Diamond's codependant adoration. They know that the show is likely to go into their dinamic in season 6, but they don't care since they think the movie should stand on it's own. I think their relationship will give them all a chance to grow, but I can't help seeing their point.

so… here’s the thing. i think the movie intentionally leaves room for feeling like spinel and the diamonds rushed into things because they’re both quite early in their growing process, but i would hesitate to call it toxic codependence (it’s more of an intentionally flawed starting point), or in any way a break from their character growth or the film’s themes as a standalone piece. i’d like to point out three things:

point one: most familial relationships start out on the basis of knowing someone else related to the person. like. your grandparents wouldn’t take an interest in getting to know you if you weren’t their child’s child. that’s just how it works. 

and this is kind of similar - if “daughter-coded” is a thing, then pink diamond is that in relation to the other diamonds. and the diamonds have always loved gemkind *in relation to their diamond* - like, in a “we take care of our people because they’re Ours” kind of way. all gems are made by the diamonds, and if that’s the case, then the ‘daughter diamond’s’ gems may be perceived as a kind of grandchild or psuedochild it’s important to preserve and protect. 

so that’s a very benign, “we’re gonna take care of what our child made” read on it. which is pretty hard to say is inherently abusive or codependent, i think.

point two: the movie’s point is not to entirely undo spinel’s and the diamond’s issues. so to read it as a failed attempt to do so is, i think, incorrect. 

by contrast, the movie really stresses how you SHOULDN’T think there’s an endpoint to your growth. you have to keep trying to become better. you may have to keep struggling your entire life. that is very much compatible with the characters still being somewhat flawed by the end of it. it reinforces the movie’s message, rather than working against it. it’s thematically consistent.

if the movie has a thesis statement, it’s this: “there’s no such thing as happily ever after. i’ll always have more work to do”.

this is reinforced by the finale song in a number of more subtle ways: 

“happily ever after, there we were - and here we are” implies we are now somewhere else. “i’ll be ready every day, for as long as (…) i’m in the future with my friends - that’s why happily ever after never ends” carries that through. here, instead of meaning “complacent happiness without growth”, steven transforms the “happily ever after” concept into his own, more accurate version. the meaning he gives it is “i’ll keep growing with my friends by my side, and i’ll be ready to change & work on myself for the rest of my life”.

this is also reinforced by spinel herself. she admits that friendship isn’t going to be easy for her. she has to work on herself. that’s a blatant reminder to the audience that she’s ready to keep growing instead of becoming complacent - and it’s a reminder placed right before the diamonds arrive. that’s not subtle. 

so the intent here isn’t to give spinel a perfectly happy ending - it’s sweet, but its primary purpose is acknowledging the possibility of healing by giving her a new beginning. a chance to have a relationship with people she hasn’t hurt. “i’ve already messed things up with you”. this was the same thing blocking steven & the diamonds’ relationship. they’d already hurt him. so he was uncomfortable spending all his time with them. 

“you guys have really gotten better at showing affection” has two meanings. 

1. i’m proud of your progress.

2. there was a time you guys were awful at this. towards me. i remember that.

and one does not erase the other. steven is genuinely happy for the diamonds! he’s not about to downplay their growth or abandon their cooperative partnership - but he’s not gonna let them smother him either. he wants his own life.

point three: the diamonds and spinel have genuinely grown.

no, not in the way where they are no longer flawed. that would be weird. the diamonds still primarily relate to others through a “diamond’s creation” lens, even if they are making the effort to see those creations as equal. 

spinel, on her side, is not too trusting as much as she’s still trying to find a puzzle piece to fit a void inside of her. but that’s kinda normal, at this point in her development. everyone needs reasons to keep going in life when everything falls apart, and those reasons need not be perfectly fulfilling - they just have to be enough for the person in question (for now). 

so okay, how have they grown?

spinel is growing past her toxicity. her issue was not so much codependence as it was an inability to handle rejection and abandonment. those things are connected, sure, but there’s nothing inherently wrong with latching onto someone. even someone you have a familial connection with. the problem is when that becomes so all-consuming - as it did with pink, albeit understandably - that one lashes out in its absence. 

and the first step towards dealing with that is acknowledging one’s flawed behavior. which spinel does, finally, when she realizes she can’t hurt steven anymore and trying isn’t making her happy. she understands that she’s being ridiculous, toxic, and the antithesis to a good friend.

also, spinel accepted that she’s not entitled to anyone’s friendship. heck, she thought she may be alone for a while, and still thinks that working on herself is a prerequisite for keeping friends. that cannot be undone by finding someone else willing to give friendship a try. this, along with the understanding of “no happily ever afters”, shows that she is self-aware and won’t let herself get complacent in this new relationship. she’s gonna keep trying every day, just like steven.

so in summary, for spinel - she’s unlearning her toxic behavior patterns, trying to undo her damage, self-aware about her flaws, and wants to start over with new friendships. none of which is undone by the diamonds.

as for how the diamonds have grown - firstly, in actually listening to people. 

communication on equal grounds is the first step towards better relationships. this is perhaps obvious, but their flaw was never exactly codependence, either. it was a power imbalance where they ignored, tormented and condescended their “daughter” into running away. steven has helped them realize how they were wrong to do so, how their perfectionism didn’t justify what they did to pink. or to anyone else. or to themselves. 

so now, they’ve come face-to-face with their self-justification and found it invalid. they have to start over from there. they have no excuse not to listen to people anymore, and are still figuring out how to do right by others.

this is something they’re actively trying to correct - firstly, with steven, who they Very Much listen to. to the point of putting him on a pedestal. this is perhaps an overcorrection, along the lines of how rebecca sugar described peridot’s turn as, at least at her “new recruit” stage, overzealousness towards a form of caring that had never been on her radar before. 

this, of course, steven partially rejects (albeit gently) and tries to distance himself from. it’s not untrue that they’re not entirely over pink, either. for him, that’s still a sore point. but they are trying to grow & listen to others, however slowly.

like spinel, they understand they have flaws. they are earnestly trying to correct them. what both sides “need” is a chance to put these lessons into practice, forming new relationships instead of insisting on clinging to someone you’ve hurt (like they both tried with steven). 

now, they will attempt with each other. perhaps successfully, perhaps not, but nevertheless, it’s a chance to grow together, with a newfound understanding of how they, themselves, can screw it up. that, in  itself, is a good thing.

it’s a flawed starting point, because the characters themselves are supposed to still be flawed, yes. but to say that this undoes their growth, i think, is quite… heartless. like. they don’t need to be alone and in pain until they’re Perfectly Emotionally Mature, and only Then do they get to have relationships again. that’s not how people heal. they should be allowed to try, fail, explore, try again. that’s certainly in line with the movie’s core message.

[krosaceae]

1, 3, 5, 15 :)

Fanfic Writer Questions! Feel free to send me an ask :)

Thanks a ton for the ask! I'll be answering all these in regards to Barriers, quite possibly the world's most self-indulgent Graire fic (Read on AO3 or FFN)

1. If you had to create a soundtrack for your story, what songs would you choose? Why?

Damn, this is so hard considering how much music I listen to while writing/planning Barriers. I do name my chapters after songs that inspired me while writing said chapter, so I figure my soundtrack would end up being those songs. 

There are over 20 songs on that bad boy, and I already feel like this post is going to be long, so you can view/listen to the playlist HERE! I’ll continue updating it as I post new chapters :-)

As for why I picked these songs… or really why I pick any of the songs on any of my playlists. It’s all about the feels, how the music and the lyrics come together to take me to a place I need to go to be creative. You know the feel you get when you listen to a song, and it just reminds you of an emotion, a place, a memory, etc.? I’m not sure if that makes sense lol, but the mood that a song creates in my little Brain World helps me find words to put on the page. Music a lot of the time helps interface Brain Scenes into Written Word, and these songs above did just that… and happened to have names that I enjoyed as chapter titles lmao. 

Either way, I do have some Barriers playlists that I will shamelessly plug here.

Gray’s playlist

Claire’s playlist

The ~Graire~ playlist

Rest is under the cut because ya girl went in hehe

3. If you had to direct a scene from your fic, what would you choose? Why? What would it look like? What techniques would you use to convey certain emotions? What would the set look like?

Oooh. Hands down Chapter 8, the Fireworks Festival, particularly when Gray finds out that Claire’s pregnant. AH. Such an emotional scene and I would love to take advantage of the fireworks in the background. I’ll be honest that I don’t watch very many movies, and I’m not a director in the slightest, so I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about.

So obviously our set is Claire’s farm at night. I imagine everything dark and quiet outside, the only light being Claire’s house. Almost shooting that bitch like a scary movie at first because like, Gray is terrified and I’d want viewers to feel that same way.

When Gray finally finds Claire and she’s on the verge of losing her shit, you zoom in on the tears, the soaked blanket, just Claire’s general state of disarray (which at this point, is out of character for the way she's presented herself) the way she grips Gray’s shirt, etc. And once she finally starts talking I picture the camera just focused on the two of them, because Gray is on the edge of his seat waiting to find out what the fuck is going on and doesn’t see ANYTHING else. Plus the booming fireworks going off in the back just as the situation is getting more intense. Claire would say that she’s pregnant and then the screen would go black lmao.

5. What makes your main ship so compatible? Or, what makes them so incompatible? What do they see in each other?

Oooh. This is complicated, because right now where I’m currently at in the fic it could go either way. As much as I would LOVE to spoil everything, I’m going to speak only for where I’m at in the story.

Gray and Claire are quite compatible at their best, v incompatible at their worst. When the two of them both get out of their head and are real with the other, they work well together. Both are sarcastic, sassy, witty, and have similar senses of humor. They both appreciate the value of hard work and dedication to their craft, and overall, want to be successful in life by their own means. In addition to liking the way the other makes them feel and just like… generally finding the other attractive, I think Claire and Gray admire the other’s drive and passion to some degree. They feel like having someone like that around them (whether it be a friend or… y’know, something else >.>) helps them stay on track. Additionally, some of the things they experienced before moving to town, in addition to experiencing the whole pregnancy thing together, helps them connect and understand each other in ways that maybe others around them can’t. Neither of them likes to be judged, so at times this is conducive to them feeling safe enough to confide things in the other that they may not do with anyone else.

However, Claire and Gray are both also really fucking good at building walls (Hence the name of the fic lol.) and spend a lot of time either hiding, running, or pushing people away. At their worst, their relationship is a grease fire. Both have a tendency to mask how they’re actually feeling for various reasons, despite both of them ALSO valuing honesty from others. It's the hypocrisy for me. Claire’s gut reaction is usually to tell people what she thinks they want to hear, lying for the sake of self-preservation because GOD FORBID she be rejected or be perceived negatively. Gray’s gut reaction is to do or say nothing. He fears vulnerability and doesn’t want to be seen as weak, so if he’s not consciously thinking about it, he’s going to say and do whatever will keep the illusion that he’s got it together. Which is just usually acting unbothered and pushing everything down until he’s beyond bothered. The main issue is that they both also say and do things they don’t mean when upset, and it doesn’t help that for some reason Claire seems to really get under Gray’s skin, and vice versa. Their arguing styles are pretty combative, so without any framework for de-escalating the situation, shit can get pretty nasty between them. Especially when jealousy and other complicated feelings get involved. *Wink wink*

15. Pick a previous relationship (or multiple) of your character’s. Explain how that/those impact the way they navigate their way through relationships now.

Hehe. I’d love to talk about Claire’s previous relationship(s), but I’m going to focus on Gray because he’s the main character and like, major spoilers.

Gray and Mary though. Ah. What a beautifully confusing clusterfuck. There was a lot of push/pull in Mary and Gray’s relationship, and it's intentionally confusing in the fic. Idk if any of you have ever had a friend that you’re really close with, one that you’re crazy about, and you know they like you too, but for whatever reason, they don’t actually want to be exclusive or make it official? Whatever the kids are calling it nowadays. But like yeah. Both loved having the other around and hated the idea of losing them to someone else, even if they couldn’t have them. So on top of their actual friendship was a ‘relationship’ based on impulsive, desperate acts of affection, wobbly boundaries, and evading any actual conversations about it all.

For that reason, Gray is determined to be more open about how he’s feeling rather than sucking it up for the sake of not being lonely. He’s trying to be more honest and expressive instead of holding it all in moving forward, as scary as it is for him. Gray’s relatively been a man of inaction in his relationships (even before Mary), and when he did act, it was usually backed by anger, alcohol, or both. Basically the dude is just trying to take control of his relationships rather than being a passenger.

WHEW. That was a blast! I definitely wrote too much but I super appreciate the ask! <3

[feuilly-cakes]

New Moon - Review - 3*

The problem with first-person narration is that when the main character is in distress you can't have fun reading the book, because everything is coloured with that viewpoint. As a result, I was more annoyed by this than I needed to be, because of the way Bella changed and also Edward's actions. It did, however, do some cool things too, in the way of important messages and descriptions of poor mental health, and also what it's like to begin to recover from that. So this was less enjoyable than Twilight, but not less important to read. Spoilers beyond this point Bella starts off on a high note, with a new-ish job at the Newton's shop and a close relationship with Edward and Alice, who are both friendly or even besties with Charlie in Alice's case. She's living the dream, and then the birthday party happens, and it all goes downhill. Edward is acting strange and indifferent to Bella, Bella is freaking out about that because she's a smart cookie and thinks he's going to ask her to leave with him, and then suddenly she's dumped, depressed, and hallucinating Edward's voice. It's not a great time for Bella. This whole experience makes her change from a strong, funny, normal girl to a selfish, hypocritical girl with zero self esteem or self preservation. As character growth goes it's not nice but it is realistic and it needed to be that way to further the plot. Let me be clear: she is still all the Bella things of the first book, but it's hidden away behind the depression and desperation and the way she can't think rationally anymore. I want to talk about Edward now, because I now think he's trash and am firmly on #teamjacob for the first time in my life. Edward is so pitiful here that he literally dumps her on the trail to some woods like a moron and then runs away and never expects her to, I don't know, follow him? He didn't think she would be too hurt by him rejecting her either because "how could you let one word break your faith in me?" I don't know Edward, perhaps because it was you that said those words? Also that's very 'let's blame Bella for my actions' of you... but I digress. After he's back he even tells Bella he "was coming back anyway" and "it was only a matter of time." Sir, if you're going to abruptly dump your girlfriend of 6 months and not so much as check in on her, then at least have the willpower to stick to that, because if this were a normal story you'd have gotten punched in the face the minute you showed up. The only saving grace for his character in this book is when Bella uses logic on him to get him to see he has hope for his own soul after all, and he begins to really come around to changing her, so there may be hope for him after all. The Werewolves I'm not going to talk about Jacob much because nothing massive stood out to me, just know that I love him and he should've been with Bella. The way he let her know he was into her and then remained her friend without pushing unless she did something was lovely, and I truly believe that if Edward hadn't been come back it would've been a perfect sequel. I am already expecting that to change in Eclipse because of the thing that he's going to do. Anyway, I also love the pack and wish we got more time with them. They call each other "brothers" and I just wanted some found family goodness and got nothing. I also wish we had gotten more interactions between Bella and Emily, because Bella starts calling herself a "wolf girl" and hanging out with Emily but we don't see that and it's so frustrating. I need a whole book dedicated to what exactly she was doing when she was spending all of her time at La Push. The Vampires. The Volturi are finally named in the scene where Romeo and Juliet is used to foreshadow the whole book. They are also used to foreshadow the rest of the book. Later we discover that they are a family of 5, with 9 main guard members plus an unknown number that changes. This is the information I always wanted to know but never did. Aro has "clouded, milky" red eyes, and "papery" skin. It isn't clear if this is from age or something else, but it kind of creeped me out I'm not going to lie. He also goes on a little tangent about how it "pleases" him that Carlisle was successful in being a vegetarian. This could have been a lie, but remember that Edward is a mind reader and would have given some indication. I actually like him in this book, he's very friendly and as soon as he gets confirmation Bella will be changed he's content to leave them be, though is a bit wistful that they won't join him. Caius is the one who tells them they have a time limit. Onto the big differences from the film -The Romeo and Juliet scene takes place in Bella's living room instead of the English classroom. As does the second half of the Volturi explanation scene, the first half of which took place in the first book. -Bella knows something is going to happen with Edward before he takes her on the walk. -The motorbike scene in Port Angeles isn't a motorbike scene, it's a walking towards dangerous men then leaving scene. -Bella and Jacob go hiking together to find the meadow, and Bella finds it on her own after all that hiking practice. -The werewolf reveal scene where Bella smacks Paul doesn't happen. Bella and Jacob deliberately meet them somewhere, Bella doesn't smack anyone, and Paul loses it anyway. -Jacob gets a grounded Bella in further trouble by showing Charlie the motorbikes they rose together many times, not just once. Parts I actually liked, because it wasn't all bad. -Bella stands up to Edward about her truck stereo in the beginning. It was a good moment. -Bella says that the birthday incident wasn't Jasper's fault at all. -A funny moment: (when Sam Uley introduces himself less than a year after she met him on First Beach:) "There was nothing familiar about his name." (And yes, I checked and she definitely met him, age 19, never learned how to read...) - Chapter 6: Friends. The whole page where Jacob and Bella are giggling and tripping over themselves and each other had me beaming. Such a happy section. -"I wanted to be fierce and deadly. Someone no one would dare mess with. Someone who would scare Sam Uley silly. I wanted to be a vampire." -There's a part during the voting scene where Edward grabs Bella by the face and she's talking to Carlisle and hoping he will understand because it was hard to talk properly the way Edward was holding her face. The mental image I got... he was squeezing her cheeks to the point she was doing fish lips and it nearly had me in tears. -Also with the voting scene, Rosalie votes against Bella, but she has no aversion to being her sister, only a vampire. Bella then tells everyone she feels the same about them as they do as her, which hurts Rosalie, and Bella realises that could be taken the wrong way. She didn't mean it in a bad way and the fact that Rosalie got hurt shows how their relationship is already developing from the first book. I found this part interesting and lovely to see, as I used to see it as a very abrupt friendship in book 4. There was no outright offensive language in this book, however there were several instances of questionable and uncomfortable behaviour, so I'll be listing them below. -When telling her about the birthday arrangements Edward and Alice don't listen to her protests, and pretty much force her into going to a party she doesn't want. It's creepily reminiscent of the prom incident, only with much worse results. -The Port Angeles post-cinema scene. Bella endangers her own and Jessica's life just to hear a hallucination of Edward. She then decided they were "probably nice guys. Safe." and just walked away, after realising they weren't the same men who wanted to r*pe her in book 1. She then thinks that Jessica is upset because she "must have really offended her" and not because she risked her life and well-being on a whim. The whole mindset Bella is in here is obviously not a healthy one, and I think we as readers are supposed to understand that and empathise with Jessica, but I can't be sure, and either way it's really bad and reckless behaviour. -Bella describes Leah as "exotic" which is not only weird but incorrect. Leah is native american and therefore the opposite of exotic. Leah isn't an animal, she isn't unusual or from far away, she's a person living in the place she was born, and it's beyond weird to call a person 'exotic'. -Jacob is back at it with the weird hatred of his own tribe. Pre-werewolf anyway. Before I get into it, I'd like to remind you that Jacob is not a real Native American because he was written by a WHITE woman, and therefore anything he says is a reflection of Stephenie Meyer and not of an actual Native American person. Now that's out of the way, Jacob is telling Bella about Sam Uley's behaviour, and while doing so he says this: "They're all about our land, and tribe pride... it's getting ridiculous." In the context of the book only, he's talking about how Sam's pack (though he doesn't know it's a pack yet) have become "protectors" and he thinks it's weird. In the context of who the author is, however, it's a bit more complicated. This line makes it seems like Stephenie Meyer may believe having lots of pride in your tribe as a native american person is ridiculous, and it skirts a dangerous territory. Remember she is a white woman and who clearly hasn't done research into why native american people are protective of what little land they have left and what culture hasn't been taken from them through genocide. This is your reminder to seek out native american voices, and especially Quileute voices in this circumstance, and learn their opinions and views on these matters. -Quileute is described as "an unfamiliar, liquid language." I couldn't find any video or audio of this language except the alphabet, and so I very much doubt Stephenie Meyer found something 14 years ago. It's my opinion that just like with the legends, she made this up and slapped the Quileute name on it for exploitative reasons. From what research I've done no young person would've known the language fluently anyway because it was dying before 2000 and is barely being kept alive. It wasn't hard to find this out, and as someone who was set to make millions off this book she should have done her research. -Bella's attitude regarding Gianna. She's horrified by her desire to become one of the Volturi, to be surrounded by vampires, and it doesn't seem to click that Bella herself has that same desire with the Cullens. She looks down on Gianna just because the vampires she desires are human drinkers and not animal drinkers, and it's clear she doesn't think of them as the same. All of the Cullens have killed humans or drank from them, so Bella is extremely hypocritical here. -"I mean, 'Fine, I'll move out.'" Bella holds this ultimatum over Charlie's head when he doesn't want her seeing Edward. She's being selfish and childish here, not caring that he's trying to look after her. When Edward left she was ruined, and Charlie is trying to stop that from happening again. Her actions in this scene are horrible and show how little she cares for Charlie, the man who looked after her while she was broken, who is her father. This is where we truly see how selfish Bella has become over the course of the book, or perhaps since being in a relationship with Edward, as in Twilight she would have never said this to Charlie. She may be an adult but she is sure acting like a child. -Finally, the vote. After it takes place, Bella demands Alice turn her immediately, and refuses to listen to reason when Alice tells her she can't just do it right away. She then turns to Carlisle, putting him right on the spot, and demands the same. He agrees but it's not right or proper behaviour, but unfortunately it's behaviour we come to expect from Bella by the end of the book. The switch from vote to demanding she be changed was jarring, and it really rubbed me the wrong way.

[twoidiotwriters1]

Starcrossed Losers XIX (Josh Wheeler xReader)

A/N: I don’t like angst, yet it’s the only thing I’m able to add at my stories. Also, the vamps are teen-band certified. They had to be in the soundtrack of Josh’ life cause they’re as dramatic and passionate as him. I don’t exactly mean that as a compliment. We’re getting close to the end!

Words: 2,677

Warnings: None!

Previous chapter // Last chapter

I had no way to introduce the song smoothly into the plot so I’ll just attach it here.

It’s four in the morning and the three of us are in my old room. You could say I’m miserable.

This place is even more depressing than I remembered, seriously, why there are so many pictures in my room? What was I trying to prove, that I know how to use a camera? 

Every single picture with Maya in it I took it down, even if this isn’t my room anymore, I don’t want this to remain untouched like it’s worth preserving.

I’m still awake cause I hadn’t finished Wesley’s podcast, and god I wish I hadn’t heard the end.

It got me thinking, everything is out of control right now. One moment we could be sleeping and a second bomb could drop, then none of us would know what happened.

I have been living on wasted opportunities, on ‘what ifs’ and shitty friendships cause I don’t think I’m worth it. Maybe I’m not, but the kids back at the mall are, they are this city’s future, even if that sounds crazy right now. 

I decided I’ll help them, which means I’ll have to help Eli.

I have no choice.

_______________________________

Josh knew he’d fucked up big time.

When he came back after talking to Mavis, he knew that things needed to change, he was pushing people away, it was calculated at first, but now it was out of control and he had lost the only person he wanted to keep around.

It was his fault. There was no way to excuse his behavior, Y/N only wanted to keep him safe, she cared about everyone, something Josh was too self-centered to accomplish.

He regretted every word he’d ever said, to Sam and Y/N. They were good to him, trusted him. Fuck, Sam trusted him enough to sleep with him even if she knew it was his first time. 

Y/N had followed him to a mall where a psychotic killer was threatening to kill them just cause he asked for help... one thing seemed bigger than the other, but priorities shifted dramatically once the world ended, to be fair.

So when he entered the pharmacy only to find the lonely notebook laying on top of the counter, he panicked. Y/N was gone, and now he didn’t have a way to know where she was.

Unless...

Right, it was around 7pm and he had a target painted on his back, but she was worth it, more importantly, she was right.

He was going to fix his own fuck-ups, but first, he had to find Y/N.

So at 9pm, he left the mall.

He went on his skateboard, though it was loud during the night, it was also quieter than cars. He stopped at a store and took several spray cans of bright green paint, ready to start looking.

The question was, where?

Maybe Alex’s house? But he didn’t know where he lived. A house didn’t sound right, she would’ve been more careful than that, Y/N was super smart, so she’d have to be on a safe place that’s also out of any tribe’s territory.

The problem was that most of those areas were difficult to live in, they’re infested with Ghoullies or mutant things. Josh thought carefully, for Y/N, the worst choice wasn’t a Ghoullie-infested area, at least they wouldn’t be smart enough to catch her. She had to make a choice.

Josh started looking in the infested areas.

He wasn’t expecting to just find her and watch as she ran into his arms. Y/N was sick of him, she would be pissed for sure, so he was ready to get extra-roasted. 

He didn’t worry about that, what worried him, was Y/N not wanting to have anything to do with him anymore.

He’d thought things through and he knew (even before Y/N had said it) that Sam would reject him after all those months apart, he was okay with that. Sam had every right to say no.

Did it upset him a bit considering he had lost a finger for her? Yeah, but that was just life being shitty. Like Y/N said, you can always learn from your mistakes.

It’d clearly gone over Josh’s head the first time, but now it was stuck on his mind.

“I'm sorry for the way I behaved And I'm sorry that I let you down again I probably threw it at you I know Yeah I worry you didn't like me anymore”

Actually, it was Y/N L/N who was stuck in his mind in general.

The crazy things she could do, the silly short-overalls that she insisted on wearing were a nightmare, but Josh was now in love with them for the simple reason that they were hers.

He knew he overreacted when Y/N told him Sam was a jock, but it was just that the idea seemed impossible, Sam was too chill for that, she had to be against her will.

So he figured since he couldn’t fix what he had done to her months ago, the least he could do was to save her from Turbo. Afterwards they would be even, and Y/N and Josh would be finally free from any unfinished business.

He would be free to be with her without feeling guilty.

It was around 1am and his hand was starting to hurt from painting the walls on every block. He was also wasting time, what if Y/N had left the city already?

No, he needed to calm down. Y/N didn’t want to leave the city, that’s what she told him before. She was definitely here.

Where the hell was she?

“Alright, ponder,” Josh rested a hand on his knee, closing his eyes for a moment, “fuck, I need sleep...”

She wasn’t around the Ghoulie area, so the next stop was the X-Pug district. There was something about that place that could help him: Y/N’s house was in it and he still remembered how to get there. He hoped he was right.

By 4am his legs were sort of giving up, Josh forced himself to continue, he had about two more streets before he would reach her house and then maybe, if she wasn’t there, he could rest a couple hours and keep searching the next day.

There was obviously no lights on, so he whisper-yelled.

“Y/N?” He looked around to make sure he was threat-free, “Y/N?”

Josh wasn’t religious, but he felt the touch of god on his chest when a pair of shiny eyes peered over the second-floor window.

_____________________________________

Well, look what the bitch-wind brought to my humble home.

“Josh?” I frown, getting up from my desk chair, “What the fuck are you doing outside my house?”

“I had an epiphany”

“You had an- have you slept at all?”

“No, but I’m not crazy!” He tilts his head, “Well I did see my dad for a moment, but I think I imagined that...”

“Leave,” I say simply, “I don’t want to talk to you, I’m done.”

“I know you are”

“I won’t help you save Sam”

“I wasn’t going to ask you that.”

“What do you want?” I hiss.

“Can you... come down for a moment?”

I’m tired, but my heart is also hammering against my chest. 

He came for me, he’s here for me.

I hope I’m not wrong.

“Hold on,” I reply with a neutral expression.

_____________________________

At last, he had found his savior. 

Y/N appeared at her doorstep with her arms crossed, glaring at Josh.

“So?”

“Uh, yes?” His hands were sweating profusely.

“What do you have to say to defend yourself?”

“I'm sorry that I pushed you away And I'm sorry, I couldn't give you everything And I need you just to try to understand I let you take from me it all, it's just I feel like half a man”

“I...” Josh gulped, giving one step forward, “my brain is the size of a bean”

Y/N’s frown deepened.

“Okay?”

“I have tons of issues. We said it was nice to be around each other cause we understood, we knew,” He explained slowly so the words wouldn’t get all mixed in his head, “But after a few days I watched as you evolved into this super cool version of yourself: you had this new outfit and a new identity on which you were comfortable. You got over your problems and everything just seemed to be... going so well for you.”

“So it’s my fault?” Y/N scoffed.

“No!” Josh was quick to respond, “What I’m saying is that we promised to fix our stuff, and we were supposed to find out together. I fucked up. I let you do the whole work while you fixed your own issues and I stood there on big denial, focusing on other things.”

Josh stepped closer to her, Y/N remained still.

“I know I put everything on your shoulders and let you do the work, that was such a huge dick move I can’t even pretend to have a reason for that, I just need you to know that I’m sorry. I regret all the things I said. It’s all a lie, you do know me. You know me and it scared the crap out of me. When you said Sam could be a jock my mind knew you had a good point, but I got scared”

“I’ve been scared too,” She replied harshly, “I was terrified to stay around, I was shitting my pants just thinking of what could go wrong if I decided to give in to what I really wanted.”

She looked up to the sky, maybe trying to find an answer.

“This won’t work, Josh. Not if we keep pushing each other away in our own little ways, you with your words and me... doing it literally.”

“Then... now what?”

“And now I found That I've tried, tried my best just to keep you around But the weight of the world keep on dragging me down”

“Now nothing,” Y/N’s eyes avoided his, “do your thing and I’ll do mine. Fix your issues, then maybe we’ll have a chance. You have to make up your mind, Josh. Where is your heart?”

He knew the answer to that, but it wasn’t much of a difference if Y/N didn’t know. He could live all his life like this and still not be with her because she doesn’t have a way of knowing.

How could he tell her without actually tell her, now that his words lacked truth in her eyes?

He was still thinking about it when Y/N spoke up again.

“Did you know that Triumph dethroned Turbo?”

It took him a moment to understand what she’d said.

“What?”

“We saw it this afternoon,” Y/N shook her head, “we don’t know how did he escape, but now he’s the tribe’s leader. Your wishes became reality, Sam is truly in danger”

He didn’t like the way her voice sounded in the last part, but that wasn’t important at the moment.

“You know what he’s planning to do?”

“We don’t,” Y/N shrugged, “nothing good for sure... Eli found us there, he wanted to convince me to go back and kick you out of the mall, he’ll be pleased to see you’re already out.”

Josh looked over to the window on the second floor.

“Is he in there with you?”

“Yes, so is Alex,” She stayed silent for a second, Josh saw a question forming on face, “How did you find me?”

He smiled for the first time in the day.

“The day we made our group project I took you home in my mom’s car, remember?”

“I didn’t think you’d remember,” Y/N replied honestly, “it’s been a while”

“My bean-brain can hold any information as long as it has to do with you.”

He thought he saw a glimpse of her smile for a second, it didn’t last enough.

“It’s late, you should come in and rest”

“I’m fine”

“You haven’t slept, I know,” Y/N stepped aside so he could get in, “I can see the dark circles under your stupid puppy-eyes.”

“Was that a compliment?” He teased lightly.

“Get your ass in before I feed you to the mutant pug,” She waited until he was fully seated in the living room, “for the record, I’m still upset. This does not mean you’re forgiven, and it definitely doesn’t mean I want to keep our... thing, going on, you got it?”

“I got it”

“Goodnight,” She replied, going upstairs.

“Y/N?” She looked down to where Josh was, he hadn’t moved to lay on the couch, “I promise I’ll make things right”

She raised her eyebrows.

“Let’s see how it turns out.”

_______________________________

It’s morning time!

Well, it’s ‘acceptable-hour-of-the-morning-to-be-up’ time.

I wake up in my own bed, I see Alex sleeping beside me and it’s almost like we went back in time to those good days when we had sleepovers. However, we know that’s not true.

I sit on my bed and realized there’s something missing: Eli.

Thinking that maybe he woke up before us and found Josh sleeping in my living room, I get up quickly, afraid that he might have cut his throat while he was still sleeping.

I accidentally kick Alex on my way out, he wakes up in confusion, asking me if my mom’s making breakfast.

“I sure hope not,” I reply with irony, “cause she’s been dead for half a year”

“What?” He opens his eyes and looks around, suddenly coming back to the present, “Sorry, I was dreaming with-”

“The past?” I ask while I put on my converse, “I figured you were.”

“Where are you going?” He sits.

I explain to him briefly what happened last night while they were sleeping and how I’m about to check if Eli hasn’t killed Josh. Alex decides to join me and while we walk downstairs I see his little smirk.

“Don’t you dare,” I warn him, “I know what you’re thinking”

“And what am I thinking?”

“I told you so,” I huff, “like you’re some kind of wise Dr. Love”

“You know I’m right”

“He came for me, big fucking deal. He also spent six months looking for Sam, he does these things all the time, it doesn’t mean he cares”

“They not here,” Alex stops in the living room, “and there’s no blood, so we can assume they didn’t kill each other.”

I walk into the kitchen and my eyes land on the fridge, they left a note stick to it with a magnet.

“Alex?” I say, “There’s a note...”

I grab it and read it, not waiting for my friend’s reply.

‘Y/N,

Eli found me downstairs and tried to kill me. It’s alright, I told him you let me in. He was upset, he has reasons, I kicked him out of his home.

I told you I’m going to fix things, so I convinced Eli to help me get to the school safely so we can put Triumph back in a cage and the jocks (yes, Sam too) can have a better life, not one as slaves of a cannibal adult. He is also willing to let the kids stay and share the mall with him, along with Wesley, Angelica, and Ms Crumble if they decide to return. In exchange, I promised that I won’t.

Last night you asked me about where my heart is, I hope that once you leave the house, you get the answer. 

I don’t have the best taste in music according to the witch, so I can’t leave you secret messages hidden inside lyrics like you did for me on our Homecoming do-over. Still, I hope the message is readable, cause otherwise, I forced Eli to help me on a useless mission.

DON’T try to find us, we have it under control.

-Josh.’

“Y/N?” Alex calls me from the front door, “come see this...”

I put the note in my pocket and follow his voice.

“What’s...” I walk out of the house and gasp, “fucking bastard.”

In front of us, bright-green letters spell the phrase:

“IT’S WITH YOU”

It’s painted on every entrance, on the asphalt is he wrote the biggest one, his handwriting unmistakable. 

That sure answers my question.

“You know what that means?” Alex stands next to me.

"Yes," I say breathlessly, "it means we have to help Eli and Josh stop Triumph."

“Are we saving the world?” He smirks.

“We’re saving the world.”

Taglist.

@letsbloodmagic @slythermyg @loving-u-3000​

[kcwcommentary]

VLD6x04 – “The Colony”

6x04 – “The Colony”

I really, really, really hate this episode. (By the time I finished revising and editing this commentary, I was physically shaking.)

I hate what this episode (and subsequent story) says about people who are abused. By the end of this episode, we’re supposed to feel betrayed by Lotor and confused about seemingly being betrayed by Shiro. Instead, I feel betrayed by the EPs and the writers of this show.

We start at Daibazaal. While Lotor and Allura are going through their launch checklist, preparing to test to see if Lotor’s ships can go into the rift and collect quintessence, everyone else is on the bridge of the Castle Ship. As they discuss things, Lance says that being in the rift “turned Zarkon evil,” but if you’ve read any of my previous commentary on this attempt to retcon Zarkon and Hoverva/Haggar, then you know I fundamentally reject the idea. Zarkon and Honerva/Haggar were terrible people long before the show started trying to blame it on quintessence.

At least Shiro backs me up here, saying, “Zarkon fell prey to his own evil instincts. The quintessence field didn’t create them, it revealed them.” And yet, given how the story continues to unfold, the show does expect us to forgive/absolve/redeem Zarkon and Honerva/Haggar. It’s like the show is trying to have it both ways. The show, outside of what Shiro says here, wants us to think it’s not really Zarkon and Haggar’s fault that they spent 10,000 years as brutal dictators (and abusive parents) because they were poisoned. In a way, the show tries to make Lotor into being worse than Zarkon and Honerva/Haggar because he’s revealed in this episode to have been a deceptive villain all along, whereas they were (the show claims) poisoned into it. What message is this show sending by trying to say the man who was abused by his parents is worse than his abusive parents?

Lotor and Allura take the ship into the rift. While they’re in there, Keith arrives via an Altean pod. This is the first time any member of Team Voltron has been shown talking to Keith since 4x06 “A New Defender” with the big Naxzela fight, and this episode is the first time anyone from Team Voltron has been face-to-face with Keith since 4x01 “Code of Honor.” It seems like such a long time for a show supposedly about friendship.

In the rift, Allura says, “In the hands of the wrong person, this power could easily corrupt” to basically be a giant flashing warning that the show’s about to turn Lotor into a villain and wipe away all the character development he’s gone through.

Keith boards the Castle Ship, and he aggressively says they have to stop Lotor, “he’s been lying to all of us!” About what? “Everything!” says Romelle. What lies he’s supposed to have told, I don’t know.

While in the rift, Allura, being subject to the exact same quintessence as Lotor, says that the experience is “like my whole being is more alive.” The show is doing this to trying to justify reducing Lotor to nothing but another villain. It’s different for Allura because she’s somehow perfect and has nothing negative about her character to be “revealed” (as Shiro put it earlier). Allura having a positive experience with the quintessence negates the idea that exposure to quintessence in the rift accentuates one’s bad qualities.

Haggar continues to stand awkwardly in the center of her room. She’s using the clone to spy on Team Voltron.

Krolia thanks Shiro “for raising [Keith] to be the man he is today.” That’s such an odd thing to have her say because the show has not included any of that detail about Shiro and Keith’s past at this point. All we’ve gotten from the show to this point is that Shiro was something of a mentor for Keith, nothing to the level of Shiro “raising” Keith. This is another example of the difference between showing and telling in writing. We were just told this; we haven’t been shown it. It’s a significant aspect of Shiro and Keith’s relationship, but all we get is a little exposition. (We do eventually get the flashbacks in 7x01 “A Little Adventure,” and then Shiro and Keith’s relationship pretty much ceases to exist.)

Romelle begins her tale. She’s from a planet of thousands of Alteans who’ve lived there since the war with Zarkon began (so she, being a descendant of those first Altean colonists has been taught about Zarkon apparently). Alteans who weren’t on Altea when it was destroyed went into hiding. I really do like that that the hiding Alteans used their shapeshifting ability as part of that hiding. Lotor found some of these Alteans and told them he was trying to preserve Altean culture. This makes sense since we know that part of Lotor being abused by Zarkon was that he became eager to embrace his Altean heritage. This is clearly a good thing, and it is clearly genuine, but again the show wants us to ignore these parts of what we’ve been and are being told about Lotor and instead think of him as being nothing but a villain. He told these Alteans that he secretly set up a haven that will help protect them from the Galra.

I’m suddenly thinking of the parallel of the show having both Lotor and the clone each work to protect people only to be rendered into a simplistic “evil” by the poorly written surprise twist the show uses to kill them this season.

Romelle continues that the Alteans eventually started to “worship Lotor.” She says that also eventually, Lotor told them that he was creating another colony far away from this one. He had every Altean subjected to a series of tests that resulted in some of them being taken to the other colony. No communication between the colonies was allowed.

“This was the world I was born into: one of unquestioning devotion to a supposed messiah,” Romelle says. This is supposed to be getting us to turn against Lotor as a character, priming us to accept the premise that he’s always been a villain, but it’s more that it just turns me against the writing. It makes me feel like these Alteans are being written purposefully unintelligent, that they’re little helpless sheep. I don’t buy the idea that these Alteans would all just give up their agency like this.

“My brother Bandor was always faithful, but I had questions,” Romelle says. There’s also this really heavy-handed attempt to do a story about faith versus doubt and the value of always questioning things, and that’s a fine story premise, but Romelle’s story has no finesse. We find out through her storytelling flashback that her parents were part of those taken to the other colony. Are we really supposed to believe that they just gleefully left their children behind? Really?

We get another instance of Alteans being tested, and Bandor is selected to go to the other colony. And off he runs to board the ship. He doesn’t even want to say goodbye to his sister before going. This is not realistic behavior. Honestly, these Alteans are all creepy. The show wants me to identify with them and thus feel affronted through them over this Lotor retcon/plot twist, but I can’t become invested in what’s going on with them because they don’t feel like actual people. They’re not characters, they’re caricatures.

Bandor’s absolute lack of emotion about being separated from his sister makes me question Romelle’s story and her reliability as a narrator. Lots of fiction is written with unreliable narrators, but this show doesn’t reveal Romelle to be one. Kknowing where the story is going, I don’t think the EPs and writers realized that Romelle functions as an unreliable narrator.

Romelle calls out for Bandor, who has no problem with leaving, and she cries, “I’ll never see you again! Don’t let him tear our family apart!” Bandor does not seem to really care that his sister is in distress. Also, I usually think this show does a decent, sometimes even great, job with voice acting, but Romelle’s performance here feels absolutely hollow.

Bandor secretly gives Romelle a communicator. “Will I be able to talk to you on the other colony?” she asks. How did someone think this line was well written? Also, Bandor giving her this instantly destroys his character because the show has presented him as the unquestioning faithful who just a few moments ago rejected Romelle’s concern about their never being able to communicate with those who’ve been taken away. So, this is more of this show’s infamously inconsistent writing.

Also, his giving the communicator to her is inconsistent within just this single scene. Once he was chosen, he went running off to jump on the ship, not caring about saying goodbye to her. But then now, just a few seconds later, he has a communicator to give her? If she hadn’t run to him to hug him as he was ignoring her and running to the ship, he never would have been in position to give it to her.

She says she could never get Bandor’s communicator to work, but one night Bandor contacts her through it. He tells her that she was right and that he’s in the forest outside of town. We have no idea how much time is supposed to have passed.

She runs to find he’s crashed an Altean pod through the holographic sky and crashed into the ground. He’s emaciated and has stripes on his face. “The other colony, it’s all a lie,” Bandor says right before he dies.

The crash through the holographic sky, with the area Bandor’s pod broke through now not functioning, makes me realize that I don’t know if Romelle and the other Alteans know they’re living in a holographic environment. I mean, at least the sky is holographic, even if the buildings and trees and water are real. Romelle is never shown reacting to the new hole in the sky.

Lotor slowly walks like a cliché villain to the crash site. Romelle overhears him ordering the wreckage to be cleaned up and no evidence left behind. Are Lotor’s forces really that good that they can repair a non-functioning hole where holographic sky used to be without anyone in this colony seeing them do so?

Romelle says she knew “the truth or at least part of it” and that she knew no one would believe her. But when she saw Keith, Krolia, and the space wolf, she then knew she had a chance to learn more about what was happening. I’m not sure how reasonable it is that she would trust them on sight, especially with Krolia being obviously Galra, but whatever.

The show then connects the missing Alteans with the quintessence that Blades have been tracking. Keith, Krolia, and Romelle discuss things, and Keith says that given how weak Bandor was, wherever he had been had to be nearby. Krolia suggests a nearby moon. Romelle has an idea about how to get to the moon: she takes them to some more Altean transport pods, which she says they “haven’t been used in generations. None of the Alteans in the colony would know how to fly one if we desired to.” (And yet, her brother piloted one with precision from the other colony back to this one while under severe physical distress.)

This transport pod is in a small shack-like hangar very much in the Altean town. There’s no way they’re getting out without a lot of people knowing it. But the show doesn’t show any of that, instead it just cuts to them having left the planet and heading toward the moon. So, did Romelle know that she and all these other Alteans lived inside a manufactured environment? This is the first time she’s ever been off a planet, that’s a big deal, but we don’t know how she reacted to that. Despite Krolia saying that there was a nearby moon, we actually see three of them, so that feels like the animation not matching the dialog.

They descend to the other facility. Inside, they find emaciated Alteans floating in liquid filled pods, cables plugged into them. In typical fashion for this show, Keith instantly understands that “Lotor’s harvesting their quintessence.”

Flashback complete, we return to the Castle Ship.

“All this time,” Pidge says. “I can’t believe he fooled us,” Lance says. “He’s a monster,” Keith says. At this point, the show expects us to feel excited because look at this big plot twist. It doesn’t feel earned though. When a deceptive villain’s deception is revealed, it still should feel in character, but this doesn’t. Lotor has not been written to be a deceptive villain except for now in the moment that the deception is revealed. That’s why this feels like a retcon rather than a character arc.

Lotor and Allura are returning. “Once Allura is secure, we will take Lotor down,” Shiro declares.

In the hangar, Lotor is holding Allura close to him. They kiss because the show thinks that it reaffirms how villainous and manipulative Lotor is. None of Team Voltron is subtle, standing in a circle around Lotor and Allura as they enter the room. They aim weapons at Lotor. Lance tells her to step away from Lotor, and she stands between him and Lotor. It feels like this small part of this scene is supposed to be some of Lance being right and Lotor wrong, and Lance having been there for Allura all along but she was just too stupid to realize it relationship plot.

Romelle out of nowhere yells, “Lotor is a monster and has been harvesting Altean quintessence for generations!” Does Romelle even know what quintessence is? Also, this is the first time Allura’s seen Romelle. Did no one think that maybe they should have hidden Romelle and arranged for Allura to meet and speak with her before jumping right to confronting Lotor? Between all of them, none of them thought that it would be better to work this situation more smoothly than this?

“You killed my brother and thousands of others,” Romelle yells. Pidge adds, “Lotor has been lying to us the whole time. He’s a murderer, just like his father.” I have to agree with those who’ve strongly criticized this show for doing this. Lotor was abused by his father, and this show did not care about the message it was sending here by saying that if you’re abused by a parent then you are doomed to become an abuser just like them. This is horribly offensive.

Lotor says, “You know nothing about what you speak. […] I’ve dedicated my life to preserving Altean culture. Now that we have unlocked the quintessence field, all of your people who would have been hunted down long ago had it not been for my intervention can live in peace. Were some lives lost in the process? Yes. But they were martyrs to a noble cause. I sacrificed a few to preserve a future for millions.” I won’t defend his killing the Alteans, just like I won’t defend his killing Narti. But his argument is a complicating one. Unfortunately, the show does nothing with that complication. It’s wiped away, left to be forgotten, in turning him now into a maniacal villain. He’s not wrong that these Alteans would have been hunted down and killed by the Galra. He’s not wrong that there has to be something to serve as a lever to shift Galra culture, and he was hoping a source of quintessence that doesn’t require killing to do that. By turning him into a maniacal villain, the show doesn’t deal with any of this. Whatever complexity Lotor was adding to the Galra as a whole, it’s now instantly destroyed by the narrative. By writing Lotor this way through this plot twist, the writers are making the story world narrower.

Allura grabs him and throws him across the room.

Somehow Axca and Ezor have gotten onto the Caste Ship undetected until the exact moment that they’re stealing Lotor’s ships.

There’s a flash, Haggar is affecting the Shiro-clone’s mind, and he falls down in the pain of it. “You are mine now, give in!” Haggar says. Shiro attacks and knocks out Hunk, Lance, Coran, Allura, and Romelle. He picks up Lotor’s unconscious body.

In the hangar, Pidge, Keith, Krolia, and the space wolf are too late to stop Axca and Ezor from taking Lotor’s ships.

Allura comes over the intercom, “Shiro’s gone mad! He’s escaping with Lotor!” as he runs past Pidge. Pidge hesitates to attack Shiro though.

“Good,” Haggar says, “now bring him to me.”

Keith asks if the Paladins are in condition to fly their Lions. Keith declares he’ll pilot the Black Lion. Black lets him.

Keith tries to contact Shiro, but Shiro turns off the communication. The Lions attack Lotor’s ships, but Lotor’s three ships are better at fighting than the five Lions, which honestly seems unrealistic to me. The Paladins form Voltron, and the episode ends with them in a standoff.

I really hate this episode.

Here’s part of my problem: I don’t care about Romelle. The show has given me no reason whatsoever to care about her as a character. The show clearly wants me to think through Romelle’s story that Lotor is a horrible person but to do that I have to care about Romelle and these Alteans. Given what the writers are trying to do in this Lotor’s-evil-surprise-twist, I’m supposed to feel betrayed by Lotor. But the emotions of feeling betrayed are fundamentally connected to a person’s sense of investment. I am not invested in Romelle. Here telling this long tale is the first thing she does in the show, and it’s pretty much the only thing she ever does. Romelle ends up being more of a gimmick than a character.

I am attached to Lotor as a character though, and this doesn’t make me feel betrayed by Lotor’s character, this story makes me feel betrayed by the EPs and the writers. They are the ones who wrote Lotor to be abused by his father. They’re the ones who wrote Lotor to want to connect to his Altean heritage. They’re the ones who wrote Lotor to want to find a way to change Galra culture. Throughout the first half of this show, it seems our heroes thought they could stop the Galra Empire by killing Zarkon and that that would take care of everything. Lotor introduced a more realistic depiction of what it would take to change the Galra through his argument about wanting to find a source of quintessence that would allow for significant supply but without destroying life. They wrote Lotor to be sympathetic, and they apparently did so all the while planning on destroying that because they thought they were being clever in creating a surprise plot twist.

They purposefully manipulated the audience. I don’t come away from this story feeling elated through the surprise. This story leaves me feeling offended. Not only does it offend my sensibilities as a storyteller, it offends me as someone who was abused by his father. It offends me that this show made it look like they were telling a story through Lotor about struggling to overcome being abused, only to then declare that Lotor is as bad, if not worse, than his abusive father. As I said earlier in this commentary, I think the show is actually saying Lotor is worse than Zarkon because the show blames Zarkon’s behavior on his being poisoned by quintessence, while Lotor’s behavior is just because he’s inherently evil and has been a maniacal villain the entire time. In a way, it feels like the EPs and the writers of this show are gaslighting their audience who are upset at how this twist destroys Lotor’s character and all his depicted struggle to overcome his abuse and Galra cultural toxicity.

And finally, I hate what the show does with the clone twist that’s been fully activated now. I hate how the EPs and writers so easily discard the clone as a character, again, acting like there’s something wrong with us for being bothered that this plot twist erases all the good we’ve seen from the clone up to this point. The story is written that the clone is being psychically manipulated by Haggar, the clone has had his agency taken from him, and the show wants us to think that he’s an “evil thing” because of it. Haggar is abusing the clone just like she and Zarkon abused Lotor. Between Lotor and the clone plotline, the show is giving us a double punch that those who are harmed by others are to blame for being harmed. That those who are harmed by others are inherently evil.

[elsaclack]

hi em how are you? i've been dying to get your opinion on the lover album, if you have the time/interest :)

hi i’m good!!! i’m real good my mom’s doctor gave us really good news yesterday so i’m cruising on good vibes rn and yeah i’m great!!!

literally i have been DYING to unload my thoughts on lover since 3 seconds after it came out omg????? i had a deeply intense discussion with my roommate last night about each song on the album and what it specifically means to us so like this is Peak Talking Opportunity For Me which as a messy hoe i honestly love

i’m putting it under the cut though bc i do not want to be Obnoxious

okay first and foremost, i forgot that you existed? DEEPLY iconic. my roommate doesn’t like this one as much as some of the others on the album but it’s def top 3 for me. like, everything about it is so perfect - the message the song sends is one of hope for people who are kind of hopelessly tangled up in drama at the moment (i.e. don’t worry, soon enough you’re going to wake up one day and forget that all of those people even exist (which is HELLA true)) but like!!! even the music she wrote with the song kind of supports the message!! my roommate’s biggest complaint with that song is that she feels like the music needs to Build and Go Places more than it does, but like........god the whole point of the song is that it’s written to a person taylor’s indifferent toward, shouldn’t the music seem a little indifferent too?? like yes there’s joy and it does build and it does move but if it DID get super dramatic it would actually contradict the message of the song so like??? it’s??? perfect??? and i have scream-singed it in my car a million times already thank u for asking

i’ll be honest, cruel summer doesn’t do as much for me as some of the other songs on the album,,,,,i mean i like it and i can DEF sing along to it and the line “i love you ain’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard” is such a mood. it’s the first song on the album that i was like oh she probably started writing that (or at least getting the idea to write it) the summer every angry mob in america was calling for her head bc like there’s definitely a sense of self-deprecation/preservation in some of the lyrics. idk it strikes me as a song about how terrifying vulnerability is especially in the face of such public and global hatred directed toward you

LOVER. lover. lllllllover oh my god i love lover which i was not prepared to do since that word seriously bums me out 100% of the time but it’s so sweet??? so sweet and honest and like. what i thought love was when i was a kid?? just finding that other person and being like “oh, you’re like....you’re IT” and like HA wouldn’t it be grand to be in love?? also the brIDGE??? THE BRIDGE!!!!! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN WILL YOU PLEASE STAND!!! WITH EVERY GUITAR STRING SCAR ON MY HAND!!! I TAKE THIS MAGNETIC FORCE OF A MAN TO BE MY LOVERRRRRR!!!! MY HEART’S BEEN BORROWED AND YOUR’S HAS BEEN BLUE!!! ALL’S WELL THAT ENDS WELL TO END UP WITH YOU!!! SWEAR TO BE OVER-DRAMATIC A N D T R U E TO MY LOVERRRRR!!!! and oh man i wanna be in love anyways moving on

the man honestly took me a few tries to like but i definitely have a healthy amount of respect for it now. like idk it felt a little out of place at first given that this whole album is supposed to be about love and that song is,,,,,,not (at first glance) but the more i listen to it the more i realize that it sort of is in a way? like she’s been painted as this serial dater since day one when in reality her dating history isn’t really that sordid?? just extremely public. and in listening to the lyrics it sort of dawned on me that her frustration with the way society treats women stems from that reputation (ha) that was forced on her and the way that reputation colored every other interaction she’s ever had with popular culture. like every microinteraction i’ve heard about involving her has been overwhelmingly positive but then you look at media as a whole and they make her out to be this entirely different person and part of u has to wonder if it would even be an issue if you took all the same behaviors, dating history, microinteractions etc. and applied them to an equally famous man. and the answer is no it would not be an issue

the archer made me cry the first time i heard it and it still kind of strikes me at my core a lot if i don’t distract myself with other things while it’s on? like sitting down and actually listening to the words is. tough bc i relate to it a lot and not in the fun scream-sing in the car way that i relate to i forgot that you existed. that song actually makes me really uncomfortable with who i am bc like god!!!!! i have been the archer!!!! i have been the prey!!!! i don’t understand why people have left me and i REALLY don’t understand why people stay!!!!! in all seriousness though it goes back to that struggling with vulnerability thing - by being vulnerable you’re opening up the scariest, rawest parts of yourself to other people and risking being rejected for those scary raw parts. it’s a song about struggling between building those walls up to protect yourself or risking getting hurt for the sake of love - and lucky for her she seems to have found someone who has seen the scary raw stuff in her life and has decided that he wants to stay

i think he knows is the song both me and my roommate bump in our cars whenever we go places together because it’s SO FUN i don’t even know what else to say other than i cry laughing every time my roommate tries to sing “lyrical smile indigo eyes hand on my thigh we can follow the sparks i’ll drive” bc it’s SUCH a tongue-twister for her it’s fhaldskfhadslfkj FUNNY

miss americana & the heartbreak prince is another one that i was kind of so-so about at first but the more i listen to it the more i love it?? it’s so Dramatique in the best way like it makes me feel like i’m watching a movie preview about a dystopian high school in slow motion and honestly i LOVE it

my roommate’s favorite song on the whole album is paper rings and i love it too honestly it’s another one we bump in the car bc it’s SUPER fun to sing with other people lmfao she described it as “the song you hear in a preview for a romcom set in new york city” and i was like YEAH THAT’S ACCURATE but what’s really funny is that?? that’s probably?? exactly?? what it is?? anyways

i’m kind of...meh...about cornelia street yikes i’ve read people talking about how good it is and i’m trying to like it but it’s just,,,,i mean it’s not bad not by any stretch of the imagination but personally i like other songs on the album more hfaldskfjs

death by a thousand cuts!!!!!! that’s my roommate’s other favorite song lmao!!! again the more i listen to it the more i like it but i def like others on the album more at this point

i had london boy stuck in my head all day yesterday it’s so funny god i know a lot of people who live in and around london have some issues with it which is FINE i won’t pretend like i know anything about it but i think it’s cute LMAO

i can’t listen to soon you’ll get better without legit ugly crying (like we’re talking full on sobbing) just because of everything going on with my own mom right now so maybe in a year or two when things have cleared a little for her i might be able to listen to it again but rn i’ve only listened to it all the way through once

honestly i don’t really like false god that much and i can’t really identify why it’s just,,,,fhasdlfk

you need to calm down is just a straight up bop that i sing in the shower a lot and i know it was controversial esp after the music video came out but like. on a base level the song is just fun

afterglow is one of my other top three on the album,,,,,,,,bc again,,,,,,,,,,relatable,,,,,,,like realizing that she’s safe with this person after kind of instinctively flying off the handle,,,,,,,god. idk i’ve heard a lot of apology songs in the past but this one kind of strikes me bc like,,,,idk she takes full responsibility for it rather than trying to justify it with the conditions that beat that kind of behavior into her over the last few years. she’s taking responsibility for her actions, she’s apologizing, she’s asking him to stay, and at the same time she’s pointing out that she’s human and will probably make similar mistakes in the future and idk that’s just reassuring? bc i’m also human and i also make really big dumb mistakes that hurt other people in the name of self-preservation and i can only hope that someday i’ll meet someone who will stick around anyways

me! is a bop as well it’s massively overplayed at this point and i kind of skip it when i’m listening by myself but my roommate and i scream-sing that one too LMFAO

it’s nice to have a friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! this really is what i thought love would be when i was in like 3rd grade and just becoming aware of it as a concept!!!!!!!! there was a little boy who lived next door and we were best friends growing up and there was never any romantic aspect to our friendship (that i am aware of) but we used to play outside together all the time and it was sweet and simple and secure and that’s the way that song makes me feel!!! also i read that every single instrument/vocal performance on that song (outside of taylor herself) was done by a children’s music group which just adds to the childlike sweetness of the song and gah it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside

daylight,,,,,,,,,,,,,that’s my number 1 y’all i freaking LOVE daylight holy HELL i can’t wait to make my other roommate play/sing it with me at our house show next month??? god it’s just. it’s so indicative of where she’s been, the hell she’s been through both internally- and externally-imposed, and how it makes this moment she now gets to have with the person she loves that much sweeter?? i don’t know i feel like my heart is going to explode every time i hear it and i’m not even remotely close to being in love so i can’t imagine how much deeper it’ll hit if/when i ever do fall in love again and

god i just

i really like lover as an album a WHOLE lot 

[squidproquoclarice]

dude, new sunrise chapter is absolutely stunning. "Liking, that’s even harder than loving" line was my favorite. And that kiss on the chick just killed me. keep doing this!

Working on ch 15, I promise!And “Liking, that’s even harder than loving” is a line I had jotted down for a while, inspired by his fairly astute observation about Mary in his journal that “All I know is that I love her and she both loves and detests me.”So between romantic infatuation with her, and his filial infatuation with Dutch, I think he’s learned that love is a truly powerful force, but not always a good and healthy one.  He’s also verging on that notion with his journal observation of how Sadie fights at Shady Belle, how much it kind of scares him, and “She is moved by powerful forces I scarcely understand.  That is what love has done to her, I guess”.Love can build you up, but it can also become something twisted that can destroys you and others.  So he’s more cautious about the notion of love at this point to begin.  And in seeing that Sadie genuinely likes him, cares about him, and has been a truly supportive friend throughout a very difficult thirteen months, he’s learned to cherish the value in that as something steady and supportive.  You can’t always control where you love, but earning someone’s genuinely liking you, that means something.  Given how bad his self-esteem is, seeing that he can earn that kind of rock-steady affection that’s not based on attraction or overwhelming emotion and where they meet as equals is going to help him a lot, and has already.I do give him credit, though.  Much as he’s in anxious panic mode and denying any possibility of Sadie loving him back--hi, fearful self-preservation against rejection and pain kicking in--he’s handling some of this very well regardless.He’s admitted she doesn’t owe him anything simply because he has those feelings.  He respects that she had a husband she loved dearly and that she’s still grieving him.  And he places maintaining the supportive friendship that they have as the most important thing to him.  He won’t run away because he assumes she can’t give him what he now suddenly realizes he wants and he can’t handle not having that.  He values her deeply as a person and as a friend first and foremost, and that’s probably the right way to look at any would-be romantic partner.   Our boah is growing up.  ;)  

[soldierwinterthe]

Illusion

Pairing: Loki x Reader

Word Count: 2880

Warnings: Mentions of fight. THOR RAGNAROK SPOILER

Feedback is always appreciated.

Ragnarok.

All the people of Asgard know the legend of this unique and catastrophic event. It’s the destruction of Asgard, and of his people.

No one, though, had ever really thought about it, until Asgard lost the King of the Gods.

Odin is dead.

In the last two years, while we thought that Odin sat on the throne, actually Loki was: he had made everyone believe that he was dead, and had taken his father’s place.

I cried Loki’s death. He and I are friends since childhood; along with Thor, we were inseparable. Although they were two princes, and I.. a normal person, they were very kind to me. The friendship between me and Loki is much stronger than that between me and Thor.

In fact, as in a children’s fairy tale, I fell in love with Loki. Too bad he doesn’t know; I decided not to say anything to him. His rejection would be too embarrassing, and my heart would break.

When Thor found out what Loki did, they started off in search of Odin; but now it was all over. The King of the Gods is dead, and this led to the release of Hela, the Goddess of Death. Thor and Loki’s sister.

The two Gods tried to stop her, but it was useless.

Thus, while Thor and Loki are dispersed, to Asgard chaos reigns. After completely destroying the army, Hela sat on the throne, ready to conquer the other kingdoms; but, coming to the Bifrost, she discovered that the Sword -the weapon to activate the Bifrost- had been stolen.

I know exactly who took the Sword: Heimdall, who was hiding in the mountains of Asgard. He, after he was able to find me, asked me to help him. In fact, we are trying to save more Asgardians as possible from Hela.

For now we are hidden, but time is running out, and soon the Goddess of Death will find us.

I’m sitting next to some kids, and I try to reassure them, telling them that everything will be fine, and that soon the God of Thunder will save us. Will it really happen? Thor can’t be dead, and even Loki.. I know that both are alive, and they will come back to help us.

“Y/n?”

I raise my eyes, and I see Heimdall quickly walking toward me; something is going to happen, I understand from his eyes.

His eyes are beautiful; every time I look at them, they always have a strange light, and their color, a shining gold, makes me feel like it’s all going to be fine in one way or the other. Behind  Heidmall, there’s the splendid Brifost Sword, which he protects with his own life.

“Heimdall, what happens?”

I know it’s a stupid question; only one thing can disturb Heimdall. The arrival of Hela. In fact, he warns me in a low voice that we must bring all the people away from where we are now, before the Goddess arrives. All of us, we head to Brifost; maybe, if Hela is distracted, Heimdall can use the Sword, and we can run away. But when we get to the Bridge, waiting for us is a huge monster with the appearance of a wolf: it’s Fenrir, Hela’s personal animal.

I scream to people to go back, but on the other side of the Bridge are coming Hela soldiers. We are trapped.

I look at Heimdall, and nodding toward him, I pull my daggers -Loki has given them to me so many years ago- and I prepare for the battle. Fenrir roars, and starts running toward us. I try to use my body as a shield, but the more he approaches, and the more I feel smaller than he is.

Suddenly, we hear noises in the distance; I look up, and I see a small ship coming towards us. From inside it falls something: a huge green creature, which immediately launches on Fenrir.

The ship from where the strange creature falls stops on the Bridge, and I see two people coming out from the inside. A woman, and Thor. I smile, and I run fast to him.

“Y/n!”

Thor embraces me, while he tells me he’s happy to see that I’m fine. My smile soon disappears, noticing the absence of someone. Loki is not together with his brother.

“Loki is alive, Y/n. But I don’t think we’ll see him.”

A huge hole is formed in my stomach; Loki is alive. But he preferred to be saved, to save his people. I nod, accepting the reality. Perhaps Thor has always been right: Loki only cares about himself.

Thor moves away from me, headed toward Hela, intending to fight her. Meanwhile, I help people walk to the entrance of the Bifrost, but again, we are trapped. Outside, there are other soldiers who run toward us.

I begin to attack them, together with the other Asgardians who want to defend their lives and that of others, even if they aren’t soldiers. I’ve got the cable to fight –in fact, Loki and Thor taught me many fighting techniques when we were little- but I’m just me against hundreds of warriors. When it seems that everything is lost, from the fog, a strange creature appears, which seems to be entirely made of stone. At first, he seems to rise, but then I realize he’s standing on a huge spaceship, which it is approached to the bridge.

Other creatures come out of the ship, flinging on the soldiers of Hela; finally, their leader comes out of the ship: Loki. I widened my eyes when I see him get off the ship’s ramp with a smile on his face.

“Please, feel free to come down.”

People start running to the spaceship to get safe, while some of them continue to fight. I keep staring at Loki, who finally notices my presence in the midst of all this chaos; I thought I would never see him again.

Suddenly, someone makes me back to reality: one of Hela’s soldiers strikes me behind, clenching his hands around my throat. I give him an elbow right in the stomach, and turning around, I stab him with my dagger. The soldier falls to the ground, lifeless.

“I note with pleasure that you’ve become stronger.”

I turn around, and I see Loki approaching me; the first thing I would do is hug him and squeeze strong to me, but I refrain. Not to let him understand the feelings that I feel, I’ve always tried to make him believe that jokingly I hate him.

"Glad to see you, Loki. I thought you were dead. Again.”

Loki smiles, but we don’t have much time to chat; many other soldiers are threatening us.

Meanwhile, the battle of Thor against Hela moves to the bridge; Thor seems to have become stronger, though, Hela is very powerful, and seems to have the best on his brother.

So, Thor comes up with an idea, a weird and crazy idea: to make the Ragnarok happen.

His plan is to awaken Surtur, and let him fight with Hela, until the complete destruction of Asgard.

However, Surtur’s crown is in the castle, where Odin preserved the most important and powerful relics.

It’ll be Loki to go to the castle, and take the crown, while Thor distracts Hela. “I’m going with Loki.” I tell the two brothers, who they immediately beg me to get on the ship and save me, along with the other Asgardians.

“I can’t escape, Thor. I want to fight. And then someone has to check that Loki doesn’t do stupid things. Again.”

Me and Thor look at the God of Mischief, who pretending to be offended by my words, he rolls his eyes.

In recent years, Loki has done horrible things –he tried to conquer a world that it didn’t belong to him, and then he faked his death, and left Odin alone on Earth- but in spite of everything, I can’t hate him. He’s still Loki, my friend. Thor tells me to be careful, and after hugging him, I follow Loki in the castle.

This is the craziest plan I ever heard, I think to myself as I walk silently through the corridors of the castle along with Loki.

We should try to save our home, and instead we are about to resurrect Surtur, who will destroy it. And if we can’t even stop Hela with him? We will all die.

“Are you all right?”

I turn to Loki, who looks at me worried. Even if it doesn’t seem, I can feel that he is also afraid of what might happen.

Before I didn’t have time to observe him well; his hair grew a little. Seeing Thor with short hair, I thought how Loki would be without his long hair. It would emphasize his face and pale skin. He’s wearing different clothes from those he always wears; this uniform is perfect for him. But I believe that whatever he wore, I would love it. Now that I think, if Loki and I die, he will never know that I’m in love with him.

“We’re about to destroy Asgard. Our people might die. Yeah, never been better.” I say sarcastically. Should I tell him? I’m so afraid..

Finally, I and Loki arrive in the relics room, and we walk quickly toward the crown of Surtur; suddenly, however, Loki stops. I turn to look at what has attracted his attention: the Tesseract. 

“Loki.. don’t even think about it.”

Loki looks at me, and sighing, he begins to walk again.

“I don’t want to steal the Tesseract. Again.”

A sad smile comes to my face; because of Tesseract, Loki killed innocent people, but eventually Thor managed to stop him.

“You don’t want to steal it again, I know. I feel it.”

“Really? And what do you feel? I betrayed my brother, more than once.”

As Loki says these words, he approaches the Surtur crown, and after taking it from his hands, I and he go away, ready to resurrect the creature.

“You betrayed Thor, but you’ve always come back to him to help him. When Thor came back, he told me I would never see you again. Yet you are here, to try to save your people. Our people.”

Loki looks at me while still holding Surtur’s crown. I approach to him, and as I recover the crown, our hands touch.

“Actually Loki, God of Mischief, you’re a good man.”

I try to say more; maybe this is the exact time I should tell Loki that I love him. Like in a fairy tale...

Instead, I lower my gaze, remaining in silence. Then, I approach the Fire of Life, and I put the Surtur crown inside. As soon as I walk away, everything around me and Loki begins to shake. Me and the God of Mischief exchange a look, and immediately we run as fast as possible towards the castle doors, to go out and reach safety. Surtur is about to arrive, and he will soon destroy the first thing he will be facing: the castle. The place where exactly we are now and Loki.

I’m running as fast as possible, while Loki is exactly in front of me. Suddenly, I see cracks forming on the walls, growing more and more up to the ceiling. I block when I see part of the walls fall straight to me. I cover my head with my arms, but I feel my body move; when I open my eyes, I see Loki’s face a few inches from mine, he’s obviously worried.

“Are you okay?” he asks me as I swallow deeply; it’s the first time that he’s so close to me, and despite everything around us is falling, I can’t help but think of his lips so close to mine.

Unable to say a word, all I do is nod.

Loki helps me to get up, and immediately we start to run away. On the corner of my eye, I look behind what’s going on; the castle is on fire.

Suddenly, I snatch myself against Loki’s back; I turn to find out why he stopped, and my body freezes. The fire has now surrounded us.

“What are we going to do?” I scream to Loki. He approaches me, and he tightens my body to his; I blush, and not because of the fire.

“Close your eyes.”

At my awakening, everything is confused.

The first thing I remember is the conversation between myself and Loki; then I threw Surtur’s crown into the fire, and then his awakening.

The castle was beginning to fall one piece at a time, due to Surtur growing more and more. Loki and I started to run, and then I remember anything else. Maybe something hit me, maybe I fainted.

I look around: surely we are no longer on Asgard. The room I am in isn’t very big, there is only one bed, where I’m relaxed, a small furniture with a large mirror, and a window. I get up quickly, and approaching the window, I’m breathless. Outside there’s.. nothing. It’s all dark, here and there are some rocks, some smaller, some bigger. They are asteroids. We are in the space.

The door behind me opens, and Thor enters in the room. He looks at the bed, but when he sees that it’s empty, he glances through the room until his eyes stand on me.

“Thor.”

He comes to me, and clutches me in his arms, whispering to be happy that finally I woke up.

“What happened?”

“I don’t know. Surtur was born, the castle was destroyed, and before I got on the ship, I saw you lying on the Bridge, helpless. I took you in my arms, and then we escaped.”

“Where’s Loki?”

Thor low the gaze to avoid mine; he sits on the bed, and I follow him. His silence makes me feel uncomfortable; I’m afraid of what he will say.

“I think.. I don’t know, maybe.. Loki isn’t there. I didn’t find him.”

I froze; Thor only found me on the Bridge. But maybe Loki escaped alone, maybe he didn’t want to come with us. The God of Mischief is always saved... right?

“He’s alive, Thor. I feel it. Sooner or later we’ll see him.”

Thor looks at me, and nodding at my words of hope, he smiles. He still loves his brother after all. He also hopes that Loki is fine.

About twenty minutes later, I sit next to the window of my room, watching the infinite darkness of space; from Asgard I saw the sky in a completely different way. Only now I understand his true beauty. I think back to Loki, and because he didn’t want to come with us on the ship. Why did he want to leave us again? Why did he abandon me again?

“Are you sad for something?”

I jump, and in front of me, just a few feet away, there’s Loki, with a brilliant smile on his face. I smile, and I step forward toward him to embrace him, but immediately I stop. Loki seems confused; is he really that in front of me, or is it just an illusion?

“Why every time something horrible happens, you make everybody believe that you are dead, and in fact you are alive?”

“It must be my nature.” Loki says, smiling; I roll my eyes, but his laughter makes me smile too. If he’s here, illusion or not, at least means he’s alive.

"What happened in the castle?”

“The fire enveloped us; I hold you to me, and we’re gone because of my powers. But you’re faint; don’t worry. It happens when you’re too close to a beautiful God like me.”

I make a hysterical laugh when I hear his words; the funny thing is that he’s right. Well, probably I’m fainted because the fire, and the sudden ’teleporter’. But a bit is also his fault.

“I’m glad you’re alive Loki. Even if you’re not really here.”

Loki furrows, and slowly he takes a few steps toward me; my body freezes as he gets closer and closer. I’m afraid if I try to touch him, he can disappear, and this time forever.

“Y/n, I’m really here.” Loki says as if he had read my thoughts. His hand is approaching my face, and a shiver runs through my back when Loki’s soft hand touches my cheek. I look up, and my eyes meet his; Loki is getting closer to me, and I’m breathless. Is he really doing what he is doing? Loki, the God of Mischief, my friend that I love since I was a child, and I never said anything to him.. he’s kissing me. I don’t move, and I feel my face blush at the same time when Loki turns away from me, a grin appears on his face.

“W-why did you do it?” I ask Loki with the few words I can say.

“You thought I was just an illusion.”

“Well, you could shake my hand, or hug me, or give me a slap, or shake my hand..”

I close my mouth, no longer knowing what to say. Loki stares at me with a grin on his face as I feel more embarrassed.

“I missed you Y/n. I really missed you.”

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