#im working on it myself without a therapist but it exhausts me too much to work

[thats-cantorintuitive]

day 2/7 | 14.07.2024

some trees. not nearly as lush green as I'd seen.

a bit lengthier update, I suppose.

well, hello again! today was only marginally better than yesterday (i am still not greatly proud of myself, not at all) but. we did some work. might not be reassuringly solid, but maybe in the non-newtonian fluid typa tricky solid feeling, i guess?

well. anyhow. more calculus today (of course). but am near the end of single-variable. will start multivariable tomorrow. also a friend texted me saying that they'd finally started their summer internship report that they'd been sitting on for too long, which frankly, kinda called me out in a not-so-great way, but hey, at least there was some extra motivation to drag myself up today. yeah. we haven't been having the best of days these days.

my prof is yet to reply me back for updates about our meeting (my anxiety is through the roof, with a velocity>>>earth's escape velocity; one might assume that that is the point of Numbness but no. No. sometimes i forget to breathe and i panic-press my Violin for the Desolate playlist in sorry attempts to fend off my panic attacks). i also am planning to maybe talk to my old therapist. but i am slightly (Very) nervous about that too. because it is highly likely that he has forgotten me (i saw him last year, around summer. and i'd already done some tough sessions with him. redoing them would be... yeah, even more tough. also. i have observed a pattern; my summers have been Difficult for different reasons each year since middle school, but that's a story for another day. i should come up with a name for that. and no, Summertime Sadness just sounds too good.)

anyhoo. today's focus time was 3hrs and a bit more. yesterday's was 38 minutes. hmm. there's still a whole mighty mountain, sending me into panic. wish me luck guys, i think i might need it.

[pinksobg]

Why did this happen?

breathe and close your eyes to concentrate if you prefer. for reflection. hope you enjoy and it is insightful. ❤️

pile number 1 - Oh, yes, pile number 1. you went through a time of difficulty, scarcity, a place where you were not being treated fairly, you may have probably left an unbalanced place, where your voice was not heard and you felt rushed and devalued. That is really tough pile number 1, im really sorry to hear that. This happened because you deserved better. You deserved to leave this cramped space without scales, to a better place. Clearly a new place where you feel valued, heard and back in your personal power. you deserve the best. This situation may have been in a work environment, when rejecting a project or job proposal. But it can also be a friendship, a long-term relationship, among other varied aspects in your current reality.

cards - 5 of pentacles, queen of wands rx., temperance rx., king of pentacles.

card of advice - 9 of swords. If you are feeling very anxious, it is recommended that you visit a psychologist, therapist and return movement in your life, starting with something that you consider simple or easier, it could be cleaning something from your space and or physical exercise if it is possible. thank you so much. take care. you matter.

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pile 2 - Oh, pile 2. It's an intense energy, I tried to prepare myself as much as possible to transmit this message. It is very likely that you have gone through a situation where you cannot be the charitable, kind and loving person that you are. You had to fight not to get hurt on this situation, whether by setting limits or trying to trust yourself again. In other words, if you didn't raise your guard you would have continued in a very exhausting cycle. It may have been an argument, a fight, a cut in something that you may have asked yourself 'but I don't act like this normally, what happened to me'. These thoughts may have occurred because you are a really good person and may not be used to putting yourself first. you were spiritually guided. Strongly, I'm listening. You may have had digestive system problems probably due to stress.

But hey, here we go again. You were guided to the best path, to choose what is good for you and also choose what is choosing you. You deserve to be the charitable person you are, to do that project that few believe in, to be your authentic truth. There is also a request to improve your spiritual protection, connect with your spirituality - more messages will arrive for you, good things. Take good care of yourself, don't be too alert, you are being taken care of, but also continue your journey of protecting yourself from what is bad for you, be it habits, people, spaces, etc. thank you very much. additional message - see you soon.

cards - 3 of pentacles, queen of cups rx, 9 of swords rx, 7 of wands rx, the lovers, the star.

---------------------------

pile 3 - hii pile number 3! did you thought about something good that happened, right? This could be someone who defended you or someone who defended you without you even realizing it, 'behind the curtains' kind of thing. Or maybe you might be thinking about a crush or something that gives you happiness and a feeling of completeness, like working on something to improve your self-esteem.

In other words, you may have thought of a certain good thing that happened to you. If this is your case, my pile number 3, is because you deserve it - you radiate completeness, friendship, truth to people, you don't hide your true face. with the card of the lovers, the star, the world in a single reading - it could also have been a gift from the universe, a Divine gift.

-- With the clarification with the Page of Wands card, this may have pushed you to continue, think about your future, create new ideas, open new horizons and prepare you for what comes next on your journey. If something good happened to you after a difficult time, it could also have been a form of... kind of 'justice', from the universe towards you, my pile number 3. a plan, there is.

Four of wands also, how beautiful! Really, if you thought of something good, it really is a celebration that occurred around you. Congratulations, my pile number 3!! You overcame something, achieved something important, even if you may not even realize what it is - but in some cases, yes, it is possible to realize what you did. right. This deserves a celebration, congratulations my pile number 3! Take good care of yourself, I hope this message resonated and was useful to you. thank youu

-------- ❤️

[mercifullymad]

yeah i have ocd too and ive been reading your posts + the ask you answered and man i really really feel it. i was in erp for about two years steady, and i was genuinely able to overcome a few of my less severe obsessions that way, to a large amount of relief. but for my most severe thing, a (very visible, facially) brfb obsession/compulsion that has caused me so much strife and social anxiety for years, i got next to nowhere. even when i would manage to go a handful of days without doing it, i would inevitably lapse - and then feel like absolute shit about it, because i felt like i wasn’t strong enough to win this battle i’d been told i’m fighting. since i have some overlapping perfectionism issues, this cycle was just brutal for my self esteem. then my regular erp therapist retired, and ive been meaning to get back into it but the thought just.. exhausts me. but then i also keep brfb-ing myself and still need help with that. but then erp wasn’t really working on it anyway… it’s really left me feeling like i don’t know what to do. so on the one hand i fully agree with what youre saying about how erp is not necessarily the answer to every o/c and that reassurance is not the Worst Imaginable Thing to offer a person with ocd, but unlike some other compulsions that im sure could be lived with, the thought of going through my whole life doing what i do is… hard lol. socially, mentally, physically hard. anyway i dont mean to just vent at you.. i guess my point is that yeah its just so so so frustrating that erp and fighter mentality is treated as kind of the be all end all solution for ocd right now.

like not to sound like a baby but. im not looking for a fight, im looking for help!! and yeah “only i can save me” or whatever but it feels like ocd is kind of underrepresented in the world of mental illnesses that are/can be utterly debilitating. because its nuts that there is kind of no other treatment suggestion for who are really suffering and simply arent - for whatever reason, temporarily or otherwise - the vigilant mentally tough fighters erp recovery models want us to be. and i dont even mean that in a defeatist or deprecating way, i mean like.. sometimes your ocd makes you depressed! and then, what with the depression and all, you just don’t have it in you for what erp demands. im not a psychologist or anything but man there’s gotta be a better a way

I really relate to and empathize with what you’re saying. I also struggle with a BFRB where I pick at my face and other very visible spots on my body, which increases my already-substantial social anxiety. It is an absolutely brutal cycle for self-esteem, including how you feel “defeated” by not being “strong enough” to be a “OCD fighter.” This is another reason why I don’t like the fight(er) framing around OCD; it makes those who don’t respond to ERP in the prescribed way feel like they have failed, rather than there being a morally-neutral mismatch between the treatment and the individual. 

I do want to ensure we don’t fall into the misconception that critiquing ERP or other “gold standard” treatments for OCD means that the only other option is to learn to live with OCD without attempting to alleviate our suffering or cut back on our compulsive rituals. I have tried, as I’m sure you have, a great many things to try and stop myself from picking (badly) at my face: countless fidget toys, thick press-on nails, NAC pills, pimple patches and hydrocolloid band-aids, reducing my anxiety levels, avoiding mirrors, etc. I doubt I will ever completely eliminate my urge to pick, but I can pick and choose (ha) from what treatments, therapies, and means of harm reduction I find most effective in combination with each other. I can try lots of different things and see what works for me and what doesn’t. And this approach — going in with the assumption that many things won’t work for me, and some will, and neither of those results is a moral reflection of how hard I’m “fighting OCD” — allows me to have a more compassionate and forgiving relationship to myself and my picking. 

You really nail my own feelings when you say “I’m not looking for a fight, I’m looking for help.” This framing of requiring mad/mentally ill people to be “fighters” in order to receive help/treatment is extremely counterintuitive for those of us too depressed to muster up the energy to “fight.” One of the reasons I stopped structured ERP was because I was too depressed to get out of bed, let alone go out into the world and do daily exposures. Like most of the mental health treatment industry, this treatment is not structured for people seriously struggling in more than one area, despite the fact that most people do. 

I agree that there has to be a better way to treat/heal from/live with OCD than the limited options we’re given now, and I believe that creating these “better ways” starts with conversations like this one: talking, sharing, and brainstorming with other mad people and forging new ways of relating to each other and ourselves. I sincerely hope that you’re able to hold compassion for yourself, regardless of whether you “lapse” in picking, and that you’re able to access means of treatment that work best for you as an individual. This is an extremely difficult thing to live with, but thankfully, we don’t have to live with it alone — there is a community ready to commiserate and create with you, regardless of how “successful” you are at “fighting” OCD.

[callmemana]

Arms May Be Wide Open, But The Brain Cells Aren’t There: #35

Dragon: pack your shit. We’re needed for a mission in Austr-

Lucky: uh that might be a problem bc I’m banned from Australia.

Birdie: wow, how embarrassing. Couldn’t be me.

Dragon: actually we’re going to Austria so it doesn’t matter.

Birdie: wait but I’m kinda banned from Austria.

Lucky: wait, what did you do to get banned from Austria?

Birdie: what did you do to get banned from Australia????

Dragon: I hate you both.

Bob: why the h*ck am I so cold and why isn’t anyone snuggling me and why do grocery stores charge so much for small amounts of ice cream?

Jake: why did you censor the work ‘heck’?

Bob: bc it’s a fucking bad word.

Lucky: it costs $400 to go see a therapist, it costs $0 to tell myself it be like that sometimes.

Cinco: *softly* no…

Birdie: I have a question.

Slider: Shoot, kid.

Birdie: in the word scent is it the s or the c that’s silent?

Slider: fuck you. Im going to be thinking about this all day long.

Ice: okay, we’ll cent is pronounced the same way as scent so I’d say the S.

Birdie: but sent is pronounced the same way.

Slider: okay, Google says the c was added in the 17th century. So I guess the c is silent.

Bob: plot twist, both the s and c are silent and the letter e makes the sss sound.

Ice: Bob isn’t allowed to talk anymore.

Spicy: *lying face-down on the bed*

Rooster: hey Gracie, are you okay?

Spicy: *muffled* I just need a bit of a break from everything… including existing.

Rooster: alright, if that’s what you want.

Rooster: *plops face-down on the bed next to Spicy*

Spicy: *looks up in confusion* what are you doing?

Rooster: *looks up at Spicy* I’m taking a break from existing with you :)

Spicy: *smiling softly* thank you B :)

[both of them lay face down in silence until Spicy feels better]

Bob: *is away on a mission*

Birdie: *talking to Ozzy* I just miss Bo. Halloween was, like kind of our thing. Every year, we would dress up in cow onesies and egg Cyclone’s house…

Cyclone: that was you?!!

Birdie: Cyclone, please. We’re having a private conversation.

[bob, bird, and roos on an undercover mission]

Rooster: *through the coms* I need you two to argue and pretend to hate each other until they leave.

Birdie: *through coms* what?

Bob: *through coms* why?

Rooster: *through coms* do it, it’s for a distraction.

Birdie: *to Bob* you are too awesome and smart! It’s frustrating!

Bob: me?! You are the- you are the most beautiful girl in the world!

Birdie: *pouts*

Rooster: *on a sigh, through the coms* why… why did that offend her?

Bob: *through the coms* I usually say ‘in the universe’.

Mouse: how do people just stay motivated their entire lives? What drives you? I got out of bed once and I’ve been exhausted ever since.

Lucky: you need to learn to hate life to the point where you want revenge on existence itself.

The rest of the daggers: …

Birdie: *furiously taking notes*

[family game night, playing scrabble]

Mouse: I will put down ‘a’ to make ‘a’

Lucky: I will add to your ‘a’ to make ‘at’

Birdie: I will add to your ‘at’ to make ‘rat’

Bob: I will add to your ‘rat’ to make ‘biostratigraphic’

Hangman: *flips table*

Halo: you should treat spiders the same way you’d want to be treated.

Lucky: killed without hesitation.

Cinco: thrown out the window.

Spicy: screamed at.

Halo: no.

Mouse: left alone in the corner to sit in misery.

Phoenix: trapped in a jar to suffocate.

Birdie: drowned.

Halo: No!

Ice: Dragon, Whiskey, your kids are doing it again!

Dragon’s Angels📻: @dragon-kazansky @mrsjaderogers @gracespicybradshaw @bayisdying @starlit-epiphany @breadsquash

🏷️ list: @luckyladycreator2 @interstellarloneliness @lisedanie

[star-ocean-peahen]

fuck. fuck fuck fuck i am fucking terrified. (otherwise known as it's a Really Bad One today folks im literally just yelling into the void on this one take care of yourselves)

my dad. my dad can be really scary when he's mad. he says things that are really scary and he can be rough with me and my sibling when he's angry. i. i figured out that a threat of his from when i was a little kid has left me with a specific fear. i thought about all the times he takes it too far with disciplining us. he doesn't realize how much he's hurting us and i really absolutely truly believe that if he knew he would immediately stop. it's just hard because it's very difficult for him to understand us and himself and we're all exhausted and in a bad mental place.

but i told my therapist about that today and she said what i knew, that that's manipulative and probably emotional abuse, but then she mentioned the government protection system for kids and i hadn't put those pieces together and fuck fuck fuck fuck

when i was in my mid-teens i got my first and only other therapist and she called the government on us without mentioning it to me or my family because i had spoken about digging my fingernails into my arms and about how i felt bad when my parents fought and she decided that those things together (which i did not connect to her and are in fact not connected) necessitated a report and we all were interviewed. i had not realized at the time that the things my dad rarely did were not okay and nothing came of it but i was so fucking terrified that i would lose my family and everything i knew.

and now i know that if i told a protection worker about this my family would be taken apart. that would break my mom she's working so hard to understand why my dad thinks the way he does. (HE'S NOT FUCKING EVIL HE'S NOT PLEASE BELIEVE ME HE'S NOT HE LOVES US SO MUCH HE DOESN'T WANT TO CAUSE PAIN AND HURT HE JUST NEEDS TO FEEL SAFE ENOUGH TO TAKE THE NECESSARY STEPS TOWARDS MENDING HIMSELF AND HIS RELATIONSHIPS HE WANTS US TO BE HAPPY AND OKAY JUST AS MUCH AS WE DO HE WOULD WORK TOWARDS HEALING IF HE COULD HE'S GOOD I LOVE HIM) my mom is trying so fucking hard she loves us so much if we get torn apart because of something i did i don't know if i will be able to forgive myself i don't think i could forgive myself if i destroyed my family.

this therapist says she is not going to report anything yet she just wants call my mom but if she finds something she can't ignore she will have to report us and then i will lose my family. my family could be destroyed if this doesn't go well. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck im not safe anymore the people i love most in the world could lose everything in the next few months my life could be fucking destroyed and there's nothing i can do about it but hope my therapist decides we're working hard enough towards making this better that we can be allowed to stay together. and even if she does that my parents' trust in me and each other will be broken even more.

it's too fucking late why did i say that why did i say that my parents are going to be so scared all because of me because i told her all the gritty details and didnt realize that could fucking doom us.

help i can't do this i can't do this i don't know how im going to be okay or be able to trust my therapist again what am i going to do can i even do anything knowing that i could be losing everything

this is bringing up ALL the traumas and anxieties i feel so much worse what am i going to do fuck fuck fuck

[fawnoir]

Thoughts time!!! Im not butch in a I can fix things and get dirty way. I actually have poor hand eye coordination and less than ideal motor skills. I cannot pay attention long enough to follow directions to put furniture together and I hate touching dirt or any substance my OCD or sensory issues deem to be Bad. I’m butch in the “hey that boy is a little malnourished and small for his age and looks like he shops exclusively at zumiez and old navy”. My pockets will have at least one fidget spinner and tamagotchi at all times. I do not have a problem with this or my interests. First of all, I’m black so I’m extra hot. I’ve got curly hair a gorgeous smile and dark brown eyes. My speech patterns very much give socialized female but I do speak in a masculine way too. Btw my therapist recently told me she thinks I’m autistic, but I’ve made it this long without any sort of ‘intervention’ so it’s not a huge deal. I’m realizing that I 100% mask and unmask. I’m totally myself at home with my friends but can switch how I speak at work. It’s exhausting as fuck but I’m very much used to it.

[gabapentinblues]

1.8.2025 nightly journal, tw; ed, sh and si

i feel absolutely awful. ive had such a horrible day just feeling suicidal all day and like i cant picture any kind of future for myself. i feel terrible.

i literally feel scared, like i dont know how much longer i can deal with feeling like this bc all i can think about is wanting to die. wanting to walk into oncoming traffic or step in front of a train or throw myself over the side of a bridge. i encounter all of these things every day and i dont know how long i can control my impulses. its strange to feel conflicted like part of me is having these urges but part of me is still stopping myself from acting on them and wants them to go away. i dont want to be suicidal, but its hard to believe that this feeling is going anywhere anytime soon. i feel defeated and frustrated.

it was absolutely bitterly horribly cold outside which doesnt help my wanting to die at all. i accidentally forgot to take my meds again and i just want to stop taking them all together bc i swear theyre not doing anything for me.

i went to therapy and cried talking about how hopeless ive been feeling. my therapist said to keep putting words to it and talking about it even if it feels like im always feeling and saying the same things, that it takes a long time but i'll be able to get thru it. i want to give up so badly. i dont see what reason there is not to. all of the reasons i can identify are for other people and it just doesnt feel fair. she said that i have to sit with my depression and be honest and try not to do things that are going to make it worse and try to say yes to anything i can that might help even the tiniest bit. its fucking exhausting. i want to die but all i can do instead is sleep.

i want to quit my job and give up completely. im so tired of living like this. even days where good things happen or i feel okay for a bit are just over so quickly and im right back to this. no reason to keep going.

they really want to support me in therapy but i dont know how much they can really help me at the end of the day. im running out of hope. im reaching the part of the month where my pms will be starting too so im about to be even more suicidal on top of my regular suicidal. it was horrible last month.

im having a hard time believing that anyone truly cares about me too. i feel lonely. i think about my ex and i feel stupid. i think about my friends and i think theyre selfish. i dont think they really need me or care about me or wouldnt be able to continue without me. even my family, it feels selfish, like how badly do you really need me here? why? im miserable. its not fair. i cant picture anyone unselfishly caring about me and really taking the time to understand how i feel.

we worked on coping skills toolboxes today and i wish i had gotten to stay all day bc i started to feel a little better at group but then i had to leave to go to work.

i was absolutely miserable and suicidal the whole time i was there. my pants were too tight, my new piercings are sore, and i wanted to scream. i wanted so badly to just walk out, and then not being able to made me want to cry. and i wasn't able to cry either so i just kept picturing cutting myself when i got home but now i dont even have the energy.

i started getting vertigo on the train from not having taken my meds for two days. i took them right away when i got home. there wasnt even anything i wanted to do when i got home. i just wanted to stop existing.

i took three pastries from work and ate all of them, who fucking knows how many calories, i just ate until i felt sick and called that dinner. i don't even care because i just hate myself right now. honestly i feel so upset and powerless and hopeless maybe i will self harm. i feel like theres nothing else i can do. im so tired and im so angry and i feel like no one can help me.

i took a fast shower which wasn't really relaxing or nice or anything. my shower is disgusting and doesnt drain and the water never stays the right temperature. i just got out as fast as i could.

i made a cup of tea and watched an ed youtuber to trigger myself. i want to start starving again so bad. i hate that im binge depressed right now and not starve depressed, i want to be able to make that switch.

anyway i just feel absolutely awful, feel like no one cares about me and that theres no point in anything and im just going to cvt myself and sleep for 12 hours.

[komaedamizuki]

for reasons this season holds bad feelings for me

had an uncomfortable dream about the person I'm still mad at and like. it was uncomfortable because it keeps showing me that i miss her and i just want her to fucking apologize. i miss our stupid inside jokes. there was an advertisement video for one of her projects in my dream and i made a joke about the character featured in it. i felt so happy about the prospect of inviting her back into my life because she apologized in that dream.

but im still mad because i was supposed to play the role of "the stable, sensible one" and the moment i snap under the pressure of pretending to be a person who doesn't exist anymore im a "sociopath". all double standards. i never called her a psycho before during her crisis moments/mental breakdowns. so why did i get that treatment?

she abruptly leaves the room to calm down and leaves behind an uncomfortable atmosphere for everyone still present and that's supposed to be okay but when i do the exact same i get "so is my entire visit here going to be like this? are you going to act like this the entire time?"

or how i warned that i "wouldn't be a good host" if i had to host visitors while also working during the day because of (unbeknownst to me at the time) autistic burnout but when plans were getting muddy she said "I don't care if you're not a good host" which would've been a lie due to the aforementioned crisis moment that actually happened above

I was going through crisis at the time and she thought she would be able to cheer me up so much that it would fix my undermedicated sick brain and make me the cheery old me again. and when that didn't work she threw a fit.

as an autistic person she should understand how fucking exhausting it is to mask too but no, i was expected to perform an act 100% of the time for her. i knew i was masking and stayed up later at night to be alone to compensate, but didn't realize i was masking to fit her role that she made for me. she expected me to be perfect and understanding and functioning and not get nervous in the grocery store when people can just walk up behind you and you need your comfort person to get through the store without crying or throwing up. it actually was tense the entire time. it was and i didn't realize it. i didn't realize i was wearing a costume of myself the entire fucking time she came to visit.

and she thought i wasn't making quick enough progress with my current therapist of 4.5 years so she was all too willing to suggest that I get a new one and undo all the progress i made. because i wasn't performing up to her stupid made up double standards. she's allowed to break down and I'm not. and i never wanted her to fucking save me, but she wanted to save me and then got mad when she couldn't fix me. all i wanted was a friend to bitch and complain to without wanting her to fucking fix me. hero complex ass. toxic positivity ass.

[fluffyseal322]

Wed Oct 2

Therapy. Breath work; identity; ADHD bubble

words learned during this entry(an item written in a diary): entry , disincline , agape —read after the highlighted word for the definition

[NOTE: i tried breathwork before writing for the very first time and i feel as if I was able to write better] Just got out of therapy... Jackie wants me to practice breath work once a day and at least 5 breaths. [count how long it takes to breath in then breath out for one second longer.] This week ive been noticing myself really stressed. I've recognized that i fell into this unconscious state of mind called an ADHD bubble. #Note, it is not always bad this could just mean that I'm in the zone but there are other experiences to this as said here: It feels as if I lost touch of reality long periods of time if its not right before my eyes. I feel as if I need a mindful moment and to feel and remember everything outside of the bubble. I feel stuck. I get extremely stressed, drained but not tired, and then exhausted... My therapist thinks its a protective state but I'm not entirely sure yet, i'm sure that's something I will come to know in the near future, like where this part of me comes from.

My last therapy session she wanted me to find my identity and I told her i've discovered a new crush. :3 She knows about Azrael. She says its a good idea that i'm getting motivation from him to be a better version of myself. She agrees in a sense of him being busy is forcing me to learn to have patience and be okay with being in the presence of myself. I'm learning to find myself without the company of a man. Ive also told her I've looked into finding an aquarium job! :3 eheheheh!!! I love marine life way too much :3 heheh !! I told her that my dream is to be a scuba diver! I've been going to the gym and I'd like to train my body to be scuba diver ready! Azrael once told me god will put you in a situation in which you have to prove you are worthy of it. So now that is how I look at life through most of anything that I think is hard. If it is an opportunity given to me, I shouldn't turn it down and be reluctant {unwilling to try} to the offer just because it seems difficult. I see it as a significant path given to me. I adore how wise Azrael is. Oh! I also told my therapist about my little blessing of a girl ive met :3 God has given me a soul sister and I will offer her agape {the highest for of Christianly love} for as long as she accepts it. I'm extremely grateful of her and that i've met her soul and she's met mine. My therapist says sometimes we are given soul sisters and soul brothers that we connect very well with and we may or may not keep them forever but they are like a mentor in that current moment. I should keep that in mind, as sad as it would be to fade away from someone I love very much, it will all be okay.

So until my next therapy session, I will focus on breath work and continue discovering my identity without a presence of a man! I have been doing and feeling amazing about life lately. I thank god everyday and I haven't given up. I prayed for strength and protection and that is what i've gotten. I'm extremely grateful. Signing off on my laptop...

p.s. I want to give all my electronics names :3 it would be super cute to say to my laptop as im signing out "see you later, (laptop name)" eheheh!!!

[hekkoto]

Updateeeeee~!

Heya darklings <3 Im coming with update, overall Im doing better so dont worry ;p In last days Im recovering from removal of wisdom tooth, quite problematic one to be honest – it was mostly under gums, at 45^ angle, right next to nerve ;p they had to force my gums away and they had to cut it into pieces to remove it >XD on first day I was in such excruciating pain I was almost walking on walls >XDDD thankfully it got better, I was sleeping for most of days on begining but Im feeling way better now ^^ last two days it hurts more again but I hope it will be fine soon ^^

Oh, Im starting therapy! I already had first session with new therapist and I I gonna have it once per week :> Im starting therapy which should be great for my borderline issues so maybe I will be able to have any progress when it comes to my stupid head. So far I told like half of my story, next appointment I gonna talk about past too so she will know on what we need to work the most. Tho she already told me I suffer from PTSD and that my childhood was really awful, we will also look what personality disorders I exactly have [cause yeah, borderline is sure but it seems there is moooore ;p]

Ye, my health is getting better, both physical and mental, when I have those downs its not that bad now and its easier to cope with. Also Im mostly on euphoric side ^^ yayayaya Im so happy! Of course, Im aware that my issues will need years to get better but at least Im moving forward ^^

And I will tell you something funny, lately me and my husband watch a lot of South Park aaand today I came to realisation... Im like fucking Cartman aaaaaaa >XD Like his behavior and mine have so many things in common >XD damn kill meeeeee XD tho dont worry, my marriage is doing fine, my husband really recognizes I try my best to show my love and affection and I work on myself to be less fucked up [I mean, I told him a lot before we even started dating, I just wanted him to be aware Im quite... problematic person ;p]

I should be fully back this or next week ^^ I have a lot of things waiting to be posted or finished since eternity lolz I have a lot of stuff that is awfully late but yeah, I gonna catch up soon ^^ I must do few more things like cleaning my flat, of course doctors cause I go there so often >XD but I feel like Im finally sorting out my life ^^ ye, Im positive things will get better <3 I again struggle with very often nightmares so my sleep is fucked up, like my insomnia is bad enough without it but now I struggle with often being super exhausted so I cant do too much at once. But step by step and I gonna do everything ^^

oh, I plan to make [probably few] videos cause I feel like I wanna talk about my past, my life, my health, my nightmares and other shit. Maybe someone would be interested and would find something they relate to and maybe it will be useful to anyone ;p if you have request about what you want me to talk just leave it in comment here ^^ and trust me, some of the stuff gonna be so fucked up >XD

Love ya pumpkins, stay tuned <3

[phantom-pizza]

My friend came out publicly a couple days ago and it effects me

I just want to make one thing clear: I didn’t talk to her about how her coming out affects me. Im not going to, it’s her life and her decision. Its not her fault I have trauma from being trans and fear of rejection. I more than anyone know what it’s like to have a shitty coming out experience and I am not going to let my friend get hurt in any way. This is just a vent post where I share my experiences , not something I’d tell anyone irl (other than my therapist. Yes I’m in therapy don’t worry about me)

My best friend is a trans girl, she came out to our school a week ago. And it went really well for her. All our teachers use her correct name and pronouns, everyone is being supportive and the transphobes keep their mouths shut (as they should).

I’m a trans guy. I realised it when I was 14, I’m now 17. I struggle with my identity and self acceptance to this day. My elementary school friends, parents and online circles were all transphobic at that age. I internalised society’s messages about trans people very deeply. I believed and still do to an extent that nobody will ever accept me. I had a rough time coming to terms with my gender while also having to support my trans sibling’s gender (they eventually closeted themselves) and listening to my parents talk about how much they dislike the fact my sibling is trans and blaming me for transing their gender.

I am at a point where I am as sure as I can be in my identity as a man and am comfortable living as a guy online, with my friends and with my immediate family, but the idea of coming out terrifies me. I’m at a point where I can safely come out but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I feel like crap. I feel left behind. I’ve known I’m trans for a year than my friend, but she’s already out and is getting a legal name change and scheduling meetings for hrt. And now I also know for certain that coming out in school will be completely fine. Maybe even a positive experience. But despite that, I’m too scared. To this day I worry all my friends are secretly transphobes. I can’t have a conversation about gender with anyone without crying. I’m jealous of my friend, I’m scared, I’m mad at myself, I’m dysphoric and I’m exhausted.

I just want to be myself. And I don’t have the energy to work for it.

[dem-khuya]

maybe im making a big deal outta nothing. but i think im rly sensitive to the energy of the ppl i surround myself with even if its an online community. the writing community i was pretty active in was really rewarding to write with but on a conversational level i think i felt really unable to vibe with like anything happening in the discord server, and only after taking a break from the community did i realize i was always portraying a version of myself that was just... inherently false. just not me at all. maybe it didn’t feel terribly different at the moment but i think i was taking the extra mile to hide and show only certain aspects of my own life to create this image of myself that was simply inaccurate. you do this every day w strangers!! its normal! but i think i was doing this extensively so within this community and with this hobby that also asks me to be incredibly vulnerable. also while i was cool with the members of color there i was exhausted by being surrounded by a lot of white ppl. its just exhausting to talk to crackers lmao. and pulling away from that aspect of the community has done me so much more good too, and it shows me just how important it is for me to curate my space away from white ppl.

i feel a lot more light and unfettered now that im taking a break from the community. but i mean i use it as a means to write with my best friend whos also taking a break bc of health issues so not having that channel will make me sad. at the same time im making stories on my own and exploring my personal art more. and i think that has been so rewarding too esp since ive just spent the past few months doing collaborative writing. maybe its just tunnel vision but i think i like being able to return to my own stories and my own art, without the specific need to exchange ideas with people. like here is where my home is, the art and stories i make for myself. i think a mix of both working alone and working with others is healthy, maybe in my case i’d emphasize working mostly with myself at the end of the day the way i have been doing. but i feel like im veering very close to self-isolation again, which feels really nice but also comes with its own set of regrets too.

whenever i hint at or mention doing this stuff by myself though my friend is visibly hurt. so it feels a little taboo to say aloud that i need to keep a part of myself with ME, not available to be shared with anyone else. its the same as when i mention to my mother that i want to go to therapy. i know there’s a moment of her trying not to ask me “what do you want to say to a therapist that you can’t say to me?” bc we’re close. but she has her own secrets too. im not hurt when ppl draw a line in the sand in our relationships. boundaries are boundaries and i’ll respect them. but things are different with my friend. and i don’t really know how to approach this subject yet without it being hurtful to her.

i feel like this friendship has been so full of rocky points lately, more than it ever has, bc we’re both sensitive people and bc we’ve known each other for so long. i’ve been reading more articles about love and friendship and that line in the ask polly article that said something about how long time friends are like siblings bc we love each other while tolerating each other is hitting really hard. its like that other article, that famous one about the fear of being perceived, asks how often we love and are loved in spite of our flaws rather than because of them. it makes me think about my own flaws, of which there are many. my more ugly one, uglier than being short-tempered and hurtful in my anger, uglier than demanding that all of my efforts be repaid in some way (it reminds me of a line in qianqiu, in one of the later chapters when shen qiao says something like “it’s so rare to see that any effort we put into anything be repaid to us”), is my utter lack of faith. i don’t think i have faith in anyone, no matter who they are to me, and it’s an unfair and cruel thing to do to people who love you, even if they love you imperfectly. im so quick to accept my own disappointment and leave it where it is without putting in the effort to work with someone so that we can build a better path ahead of us. we! us! not just me and me alone. being hopeful and then being disappointed is terrible and i just have no endurance for it. so i think the answer to that is to see things differently maybe. not to settle, not to make further attempts to lower my expectations... just differently. just being more compassionate. i don’t know how or where to start but i mean a realization is still a realization right?

[rfaromance]

Hiii im not seeing time stamps on mobile so I hope matchups are still open? I’m totally up for it! I’m never sure which guy might suit me best, they’re all so amazing and I’m weird.

I’m 26, but I’m a child at heart. I props have ADHD, my therapist isn’t sure lol. But it makes me extremely passionate about everything I do. I’m a ENFP and it shows. I love love love history. I’m about to graduate to be a teacher (majoring in history, English and German as a second language) so I can work abroad. Might go for a PhD program; already published a linguistic paper and worked for my uni for a bit. Or just mixing up some school and being the best teacher ever. I’m not sure if I’d rather have a life of adventure or just be an adult and kick ass career wise. Reallllly unsure lol. But that’s for now. I really want a farm and work as an author once I’m done conquering the world. I like being outdoors (I’m a scout), I’d totally be up for vacations in the jungle and off the beaten tracks.

I’m a storm of feelings, like, all year around. I like to think that the whole “MC you’re so kind and warm-hearted” bit fits pretty well. But sometimes I forget my own well being while caring for someone else. Been f*d over a few times already :/ have pretty weird mix of anxiety whenever I go out. I don’t trust super easy but I’m ride or die for the people I love. The guy would have to be ok with constantly giving reassurance haha. My love language is touch and I love giving love, but sometimes I’m pushing the whole world away if I’m having a bad day. I’ll make up for it with thousand little surprises. I may be annoying sometimes, but I still think I’m a good girlfriend. Sometimes it’s hard for me to stop my emotional side from running wild, but if I do I am pretty logical and analytical. This whole ADHD thing where I notice tiny details about everyone? Yeah. Exhausting, but sometimes it’s a gift. As long as I can just be myself at home. I do need quite a bit of time for myself sometimes. I can get worked up when there’s too much noise or when I feel ignored. Sometimes I get angry, mostly at myself. I think I look like a lost puppy or something, sometimes I don’t even talk bc I’m so confused and overwhelmed lol. I won’t let go of someone who’d help me steer through that stuff.

. .... Other than that I love to play the ukulele (campfire amateur) and sing. My friends say I’m pretty good- or at least they love to listen :) I’d totally love to learn to dance. Also: I normally work as a bartender/waitress and i totally think about mixing drinks at the RFA parties all the time.

Last thought: I’m wildly independent. I would definitely NOT let anyone get overly protective all the time (or reach a toxic level of jealousy for that matter). I’ve been in a relationship with extreme gaslighting and verbal abuse before and I like to think I learned my lesson. It’s all about admiring and respecting the shit out of each other. Total equality.

Sorry if this is too much, I’m totally bored today bc of lockdown.

Hi! I am so sorry for the delay! After much deliberation, I would pair you with...

Jihyun Kim (V)!

V has dealt with a tumultuous relationship before, and honestly, he would be well-equipped to handle both your emotional and your more logical side. He’d understand that you have your limits and your boundaries, and he would respect them. He’d also support you unconditionally--he’s self-sacrificing to a fault for the people he loves. Just as we saw him trying to do everything within his power to get Rika the help she needed, he’d stick by your side through thick and thin.

His artistic side would LOVE hearing you play the ukulele and sing. He’d maybe use your songs and your image as inspiration for some of his own works. He’d also be in love with your brain; he’s drawn to the wise, to the clever, to the eclectic. Plus, being a bit of a wine connoisseur, he’d probably be fascinated with your mixed drinks and be willing to taste test all of them!

He’s protective but he also respects boundaries. He doesn’t have the same jealous tendencies that some of the other boys have, either. He had to grow up too fast, unfortunately, but because of that he’s learned a LOT about love.

Jihyun was a selfish boy who grew into a selfless young man. Total equality is what he’s all about. No more secrets, just open, true love without smothering one another. Not everyone needs love like the sun, but if you asked for it, he’d give it to you in a flash.

[broodsys]

so. just like - updates, overview, mood, what im trying to deal with, lowkey venting

ending week 7 of school (out of 10) and im so glad that both classes are rly laid back bc i am struggling sfm with everything lately. and i mean, spanish is still challenging bc its a whole different language, but it’s a very familiar challenging and the prof, for all her faults, is a soft grader which i appreciate.

im a lot calmer about the kitten situation bc even tho (stray) momma cat had five kittens this time, good!neighbors helped last year and have been involved with me thru momma cat ever since, and im a lot more familiar with what to do. for instance, i didnt panic and temporarily steal all her babies at fair injury to myself only to research, see that they should be with their mom at this age, confirm it with the vet, then let them go right back outside lmao. instead im just leaving them with her but beginning to interact with them. and im sure the neighbors socialize them, too - after all, they’re mostly on/under their deck and who wouldn’t want to play with tiny kittens?

and yall, they’re so fucking cute im ;;;;;; one gray, one pure black, one tuxedo like its mom, and two tortoiseshells, one with a black splotch right on the middle of its face and nose ;o;

and in less fun but still good-ish news, i think i got the one concession that since alcohol has become such a big trigger of mine, if my brother is going to drink he has to be kinda subtle about it, ie no beer cans left in the sink for me to wake up to and feel like ive been punched in the gut literally first thing in the morning (:

actually bc ive been so triggered by that (it’s been going on for like 4 days as of yesterday) i had a Ton of anxious energy and, in part bc ive been needing to anyway, rearranged my room p significantly. but now im on my desktop at my actual desk instead of trying to work on, literally, a folding tv dinner tray. but my 10g aquarium was on my desk and its a pain to move - still, it was one of those rearrangement sessions where after u move one thing u see how another thing should be moved, and it all works out really well. the new location for the 10g is so close that i was able to slide it over and have it rest at one point on both surfaces

im still exhausted and still fighting so many different things, health, stress, etc. - but i have my root canal appointment on monday (finally!) and while, like, the tooth is already dead and a drainage point has developed naturally, both of which mean im not in pain, its still an ongoing infection and that’s Not Great for anyone and esp for my immunocompromised ass. so, yeah, looking forward to that. also bc it’s a complicated root canal job (my root splits midway and has two ends, and it’s one of my front teeth! even tho it’s a pain, neat) i need to see an actual endodontist, but im honestly p excited abt that bc endo is my personal favorite dental specialty and it’s so cool. i love watching them work? even when they’re working on me?

im gonna run my name & gender change forms done to the courthouse this upcoming week, and im rly excited! and nervous! i don’t think i have much cause to be, like i think it’ll go thru without a hitch, but official paperwork of any stripe makes me hella nervous

but also i have been... rly relieving my past a Lot lately. some of u may’ve seen me mention this in now deleted posts but just, yeah, i think everything that’s going on just stirred up all my old traumas and i cant rly ignore it anymore, so im thinking abt getting a therapist of some kind, more just to have someone external to the family and not, yknow, tumblr to talk to abt all this. even dug out my DBT handbook, which should say a Lot abt my state of mind bc that thing was a pain to dig out and it’s heavy and unwieldy (and great, and written by someone with BPD, and great and personally completely revolutionary and did i mention great?)

but the garden and all the growth and the birds and squirrels and bugs and everything else makes me feel so calm, so connected to smth a lot greater and vaster than my household or immediate family or the stressors (living) downstairs, which helps.

[i-growl-growl-growl]

hi again can i ask for a match up? im a 5"1 female. ive got freckles only on the left side of my face (weird i know). im a bookworm, artist, writer and i especially love dancing. i enjoy the company of people but not too many. im an easy-going person and easy to befriend but its hard to make me open up, thus having only a few people i feel comfortable with. im usually the therapist friend and i give out good advices. i can fall asleep anytime anywhere. im also a clumsy 1/2

person and tend to lose my things quite easily. im also a very big dog lover. im not a very affectionate person (i really cant express my emotions well at times) but if i find myself comfortable with you, you'll find me usually near you. the most affection and intimacy i could give you is me holding your hand, hugging your arm when going somewhere and the like. i find making notes and reviewers for studying therapeutic. i also get sick pretty easily. i love the stars and the flower language 2/2

hi love! the yandere i think would be interested in you is akaashi.

the main reason why i put akaashi is mainly because you mentioned that you are a bookworm, an artist, and a writer! since akaashi works for a shonen manga as an editor, i think he would be interested in you through work. he finds you captivating because of how kind you are towards everyone, even the most repulsive of co-workers but frequently notices how you don’t talk much about yourself. this unlocks an inextinguishable determination to get you to open up to him.

akaashi understands boundaries more than anyone, but you will find him silently prying into your life without you even being aware of it. often chiming in during any one-on-one conversations you’re having with another co-worker, offering you coffee in the morning, and overall being totally reliant is his plan to get you to be comfortable with him. 

but eventually, his efforts are finally worth his time and energy when he bumps into you at a library, trying your best to hold in your tears and sniffles. when he catches you at such a vulnerable moment, all he can see his red. he is furious that someone could dampen you to the point of tears, especially since it was known at the office that you never cried in public (hell, you have been working there for years, of course your nosy acquaintances and friends would know!)

with a comforting smile, he led you to a nearby dog cafe. after all, everyone likes puppies! when he sees how much you laugh and return back to your usual glow, akaashi is delighted. i feel akaashi understands emotions very well, mainly because of bokuto in high school, so he would talk to you in a way that seems so open and loving. 

and eventually, your nosy office knows about this entire ordeal and some co-workers even encourage you to ask akaashi out. akaashi, when he hears this, is absolutely thrilled and when you invite him to lunch, he swears you could see hearts in his eyes.

but once the two of you become a couple, akaashi seems very...fidgety. he’s constantly looking after you and it’s almost suffocating with how expressive he is about his feelings for you. not necessarily PDA, but more of packing a bento lunch everywhere you go. cute, right? maybe, but a gut feeling is telling you that something is off with him. and besides, whenever you eat the food he makes, there’s dry, powdery taste on your tongue and you feel exhausted beyond belief. akaashi, being the “angel” he is, recommends you to take leave (despite the fact that it’s looked down upon in Japan) but you refuse, understanding the stigma behind the action.

however, akaashi is one step ahead and senses that you’ve caught him putting sleeping pills in your lunch by crushing it and mixing it with the rice. he’s good with his words and talks about settling down, while he would take up the role of bringing home the bacon. perhaps it would be a good idea, and he was promoted just last week and you both were becoming older and your families were pestering you to get married.

but when he got down on one knee, you swore you could see something darker in his eyes. 

hope you liked this! it’s a bit longer than intended, but i couldn’t stop the words from flowing haha!

- celeste <3

[spacebell]

a bit of an update/I need to vent

now that January is over I’m thinking back on how I felt the last few months of 2020 and this first bit of the new year. So Christmas and New Years celebrations did not hit that hard this time and for a lot of reasons. My dad’s side of the family couldn’t come to visit (because of corona and my cousin was working and she couldn’t ask for a few days off and my aunt and uncle wouldn’t let her stay home alone) and neither did my brother. We had a curfew to avoid big crowds and we got my cat on Christmas Eve and we couldn’t bring him to my aunt’s house because they have a dog and we couldn’t leave him alone in the house because he was so small. Oh and also, my dad wasn’t really in the mood and we were missing my brother and it was just overall weird. So I didn’t feel bad that I already felt very anxious and not in the mood to party, so no guilt.

My cat has been such a godsend, he has helped me so so so much. Whenever I’m feeling like shit for whatever reason, he either snuggles with me, or I play with him or he’s just doing his thing and just being adorable and it gives me so much serotonin.

I started a new semester of my masters degree and I love the classes I’m taking but sometimes I don’t have the energy to do anything so I procrastinate and get anxious but eventually almost everything works out but it’s exhausting. Also, I think I might have adhd or something along those lines. I know how dangerous it can be to self diagnose but when you see this traits/things people with adhd do over and over again and you do them to it can’t be a coincidence. I know that there are some symptoms that overlap with anxiety so that’s why I’m not sure. Plus the image people have with adhd is a 6 year old boy who can’t stay still for a second and who is failing every class. I’m a 23 year old woman who has had above average grades throughout my academic career and I I’m very lazy. But there are somethings that I see and I’m like “hmmm maybe I do have that, or maybe it’s my anxiety acting up.” Either way, I don’t know and right now I can’t see a therapist to try and work that out so I’m trying to do my best.

I sort of accepted the fact that I’m bi and that Iprobably will be doubting myself for the rest of my life and that’s ok. Sexuality is a spectrum and I don’t have to explain myself to anyone.

I have this urge to just run away and maybe never come back. I’ve talked about this with my parents and one time I jokingly told my mom that I wanted to live in a farm in the mountains and raise sheep and she was like “whatever makes you happy, I’m with you,” and I almost started crying. My parents know, mostly my mom, that I don’t feel like I can be myself here so they keep pushing me to look for opportunities for me to leave and go somewhere I can feel at peace. And I also realized something while watching a video of this youtuber/twitch streamer that I just love, RTgame (he’s a variety streamer, he plays a lot of different video games and his videos and streams are so much fun, even if I don’t play the game I enjoy his content so much) he made a video a couple of days ago about anxiety and just existential dread and how he has been dealing with that (I highly recommend it, he’s a sweetheart) and he’s only 2 years older than me. And he said that when he got the opportunity to live in Japan he took it and how it felt like running away for his anxiety. And oh boy, that’s how I feel but at the same time yeah I want to go to place where I feel a little bit better. So when talking to my parents about going back to my and my brother’s apartment I get a bit anxious, but when I talk to them about going abroad to Europe or Canada or some other place I feel very very excited and I just want to leave right away. And maybe it’s because I get to start from scratch, I don’t have the obligation to visit any relatives that make me feel like crap, I get to be me and let people get to know me. It’s not like my parents or my brother make feel like crap, not really. My parents are doing their very best and I have a great relationship with them where we talk about a lot of things and they have realized times where they were wrong and times where maybe they could have done better. And we talk a lot and I love it. My brother is the best too, he’s not as idealistic or as much of a dreamer as me, but he gets me when I talk to him about leaving.

My extended family is a different story, they are overall nice people, they might be a little bit too traditional and conservative (not necessarily politically) for my liking. And i say this because i have friends and ive heard stories about how their parents are really emotionally abusive and not great people, but my family is not like that. They are very judgemental, sometimes intolerant and not very open minded, and im also talking about most of my cousins (i think that my brother and i are the most open minded of the lot). Also, as a very latinamerican family, they are very nosy (im so thankful that my parents respect our privacy and when we tell them not to share some things they dont do it) and they get mad whenever we don’t share stuff. Also there’s this saying or belief that we have to love our family no matter what and I do not agree at all. They can be shitty people sometimes, very nosy and generally want to give their opinion without even caring if I asked or not. I value privacy a lot, so I don’t ask nosy questions and I expect my boundaries to be respected.

TLDR: I’m feeling much better but I still feel very weird and out of place but that’s ok, progress is not linear and I have to patient with myself