#im working on it myself without a therapist but it exhausts me too much to work

[stemacademics]

day 2/7 | 14.07.2024

some trees. not nearly as lush green as I'd seen.

a bit lengthier update, I suppose.

well, hello again! today was only marginally better than yesterday (i am still not greatly proud of myself, not at all) but. we did some work. might not be reassuringly solid, but maybe in the non-newtonian fluid typa tricky solid feeling, i guess?

well. anyhow. more calculus today (of course). but am near the end of single-variable. will start multivariable tomorrow. also a friend texted me saying that they'd finally started their summer internship report that they'd been sitting on for too long, which frankly, kinda called me out in a not-so-great way, but hey, at least there was some extra motivation to drag myself up today. yeah. we haven't been having the best of days these days.

my prof is yet to reply me back for updates about our meeting (my anxiety is through the roof, with a velocity>>>earth's escape velocity; one might assume that that is the point of Numbness but no. No. sometimes i forget to breathe and i panic-press my Violin for the Desolate playlist in sorry attempts to fend off my panic attacks). i also am planning to maybe talk to my old therapist. but i am slightly (Very) nervous about that too. because it is highly likely that he has forgotten me (i saw him last year, around summer. and i'd already done some tough sessions with him. redoing them would be... yeah, even more tough. also. i have observed a pattern; my summers have been Difficult for different reasons each year since middle school, but that's a story for another day. i should come up with a name for that. and no, Summertime Sadness just sounds too good.)

anyhoo. today's focus time was 3hrs and a bit more. yesterday's was 38 minutes. hmm. there's still a whole mighty mountain, sending me into panic. wish me luck guys, i think i might need it.

[pinksobg]

Why did this happen?

breathe and close your eyes to concentrate if you prefer. for reflection. hope you enjoy and it is insightful. ❤️

pile number 1 - Oh, yes, pile number 1. you went through a time of difficulty, scarcity, a place where you were not being treated fairly, you may have probably left an unbalanced place, where your voice was not heard and you felt rushed and devalued. That is really tough pile number 1, im really sorry to hear that. This happened because you deserved better. You deserved to leave this cramped space without scales, to a better place. Clearly a new place where you feel valued, heard and back in your personal power. you deserve the best. This situation may have been in a work environment, when rejecting a project or job proposal. But it can also be a friendship, a long-term relationship, among other varied aspects in your current reality.

cards - 5 of pentacles, queen of wands rx., temperance rx., king of pentacles.

card of advice - 9 of swords. If you are feeling very anxious, it is recommended that you visit a psychologist, therapist and return movement in your life, starting with something that you consider simple or easier, it could be cleaning something from your space and or physical exercise if it is possible. thank you so much. take care. you matter.

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pile 2 - Oh, pile 2. It's an intense energy, I tried to prepare myself as much as possible to transmit this message. It is very likely that you have gone through a situation where you cannot be the charitable, kind and loving person that you are. You had to fight not to get hurt on this situation, whether by setting limits or trying to trust yourself again. In other words, if you didn't raise your guard you would have continued in a very exhausting cycle. It may have been an argument, a fight, a cut in something that you may have asked yourself 'but I don't act like this normally, what happened to me'. These thoughts may have occurred because you are a really good person and may not be used to putting yourself first. you were spiritually guided. Strongly, I'm listening. You may have had digestive system problems probably due to stress.

But hey, here we go again. You were guided to the best path, to choose what is good for you and also choose what is choosing you. You deserve to be the charitable person you are, to do that project that few believe in, to be your authentic truth. There is also a request to improve your spiritual protection, connect with your spirituality - more messages will arrive for you, good things. Take good care of yourself, don't be too alert, you are being taken care of, but also continue your journey of protecting yourself from what is bad for you, be it habits, people, spaces, etc. thank you very much. additional message - see you soon.

cards - 3 of pentacles, queen of cups rx, 9 of swords rx, 7 of wands rx, the lovers, the star.

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pile 3 - hii pile number 3! did you thought about something good that happened, right? This could be someone who defended you or someone who defended you without you even realizing it, 'behind the curtains' kind of thing. Or maybe you might be thinking about a crush or something that gives you happiness and a feeling of completeness, like working on something to improve your self-esteem.

In other words, you may have thought of a certain good thing that happened to you. If this is your case, my pile number 3, is because you deserve it - you radiate completeness, friendship, truth to people, you don't hide your true face. with the card of the lovers, the star, the world in a single reading - it could also have been a gift from the universe, a Divine gift.

-- With the clarification with the Page of Wands card, this may have pushed you to continue, think about your future, create new ideas, open new horizons and prepare you for what comes next on your journey. If something good happened to you after a difficult time, it could also have been a form of... kind of 'justice', from the universe towards you, my pile number 3. a plan, there is.

Four of wands also, how beautiful! Really, if you thought of something good, it really is a celebration that occurred around you. Congratulations, my pile number 3!! You overcame something, achieved something important, even if you may not even realize what it is - but in some cases, yes, it is possible to realize what you did. right. This deserves a celebration, congratulations my pile number 3! Take good care of yourself, I hope this message resonated and was useful to you. thank youu

-------- ❤️

[mercifullymad]

yeah i have ocd too and ive been reading your posts + the ask you answered and man i really really feel it. i was in erp for about two years steady, and i was genuinely able to overcome a few of my less severe obsessions that way, to a large amount of relief. but for my most severe thing, a (very visible, facially) brfb obsession/compulsion that has caused me so much strife and social anxiety for years, i got next to nowhere. even when i would manage to go a handful of days without doing it, i would inevitably lapse - and then feel like absolute shit about it, because i felt like i wasn’t strong enough to win this battle i’d been told i’m fighting. since i have some overlapping perfectionism issues, this cycle was just brutal for my self esteem. then my regular erp therapist retired, and ive been meaning to get back into it but the thought just.. exhausts me. but then i also keep brfb-ing myself and still need help with that. but then erp wasn’t really working on it anyway… it’s really left me feeling like i don’t know what to do. so on the one hand i fully agree with what youre saying about how erp is not necessarily the answer to every o/c and that reassurance is not the Worst Imaginable Thing to offer a person with ocd, but unlike some other compulsions that im sure could be lived with, the thought of going through my whole life doing what i do is… hard lol. socially, mentally, physically hard. anyway i dont mean to just vent at you.. i guess my point is that yeah its just so so so frustrating that erp and fighter mentality is treated as kind of the be all end all solution for ocd right now.

like not to sound like a baby but. im not looking for a fight, im looking for help!! and yeah “only i can save me” or whatever but it feels like ocd is kind of underrepresented in the world of mental illnesses that are/can be utterly debilitating. because its nuts that there is kind of no other treatment suggestion for who are really suffering and simply arent - for whatever reason, temporarily or otherwise - the vigilant mentally tough fighters erp recovery models want us to be. and i dont even mean that in a defeatist or deprecating way, i mean like.. sometimes your ocd makes you depressed! and then, what with the depression and all, you just don’t have it in you for what erp demands. im not a psychologist or anything but man there’s gotta be a better a way

I really relate to and empathize with what you’re saying. I also struggle with a BFRB where I pick at my face and other very visible spots on my body, which increases my already-substantial social anxiety. It is an absolutely brutal cycle for self-esteem, including how you feel “defeated” by not being “strong enough” to be a “OCD fighter.” This is another reason why I don’t like the fight(er) framing around OCD; it makes those who don’t respond to ERP in the prescribed way feel like they have failed, rather than there being a morally-neutral mismatch between the treatment and the individual. 

I do want to ensure we don’t fall into the misconception that critiquing ERP or other “gold standard” treatments for OCD means that the only other option is to learn to live with OCD without attempting to alleviate our suffering or cut back on our compulsive rituals. I have tried, as I’m sure you have, a great many things to try and stop myself from picking (badly) at my face: countless fidget toys, thick press-on nails, NAC pills, pimple patches and hydrocolloid band-aids, reducing my anxiety levels, avoiding mirrors, etc. I doubt I will ever completely eliminate my urge to pick, but I can pick and choose (ha) from what treatments, therapies, and means of harm reduction I find most effective in combination with each other. I can try lots of different things and see what works for me and what doesn’t. And this approach — going in with the assumption that many things won’t work for me, and some will, and neither of those results is a moral reflection of how hard I’m “fighting OCD” — allows me to have a more compassionate and forgiving relationship to myself and my picking. 

You really nail my own feelings when you say “I’m not looking for a fight, I’m looking for help.” This framing of requiring mad/mentally ill people to be “fighters” in order to receive help/treatment is extremely counterintuitive for those of us too depressed to muster up the energy to “fight.” One of the reasons I stopped structured ERP was because I was too depressed to get out of bed, let alone go out into the world and do daily exposures. Like most of the mental health treatment industry, this treatment is not structured for people seriously struggling in more than one area, despite the fact that most people do. 

I agree that there has to be a better way to treat/heal from/live with OCD than the limited options we’re given now, and I believe that creating these “better ways” starts with conversations like this one: talking, sharing, and brainstorming with other mad people and forging new ways of relating to each other and ourselves. I sincerely hope that you’re able to hold compassion for yourself, regardless of whether you “lapse” in picking, and that you’re able to access means of treatment that work best for you as an individual. This is an extremely difficult thing to live with, but thankfully, we don’t have to live with it alone — there is a community ready to commiserate and create with you, regardless of how “successful” you are at “fighting” OCD.

[callmemana]

Arms May Be Wide Open, But The Brain Cells Aren’t There: #35

Dragon: pack your shit. We’re needed for a mission in Austr-

Lucky: uh that might be a problem bc I’m banned from Australia.

Birdie: wow, how embarrassing. Couldn’t be me.

Dragon: actually we’re going to Austria so it doesn’t matter.

Birdie: wait but I’m kinda banned from Austria.

Lucky: wait, what did you do to get banned from Austria?

Birdie: what did you do to get banned from Australia????

Dragon: I hate you both.

Bob: why the h*ck am I so cold and why isn’t anyone snuggling me and why do grocery stores charge so much for small amounts of ice cream?

Jake: why did you censor the work ‘heck’?

Bob: bc it’s a fucking bad word.

Lucky: it costs $400 to go see a therapist, it costs $0 to tell myself it be like that sometimes.

Cinco: *softly* no…

Birdie: I have a question.

Slider: Shoot, kid.

Birdie: in the word scent is it the s or the c that’s silent?

Slider: fuck you. Im going to be thinking about this all day long.

Ice: okay, we’ll cent is pronounced the same way as scent so I’d say the S.

Birdie: but sent is pronounced the same way.

Slider: okay, Google says the c was added in the 17th century. So I guess the c is silent.

Bob: plot twist, both the s and c are silent and the letter e makes the sss sound.

Ice: Bob isn’t allowed to talk anymore.

Spicy: *lying face-down on the bed*

Rooster: hey Gracie, are you okay?

Spicy: *muffled* I just need a bit of a break from everything… including existing.

Rooster: alright, if that’s what you want.

Rooster: *plops face-down on the bed next to Spicy*

Spicy: *looks up in confusion* what are you doing?

Rooster: *looks up at Spicy* I’m taking a break from existing with you :)

Spicy: *smiling softly* thank you B :)

[both of them lay face down in silence until Spicy feels better]

Bob: *is away on a mission*

Birdie: *talking to Ozzy* I just miss Bo. Halloween was, like kind of our thing. Every year, we would dress up in cow onesies and egg Cyclone’s house…

Cyclone: that was you?!!

Birdie: Cyclone, please. We’re having a private conversation.

[bob, bird, and roos on an undercover mission]

Rooster: *through the coms* I need you two to argue and pretend to hate each other until they leave.

Birdie: *through coms* what?

Bob: *through coms* why?

Rooster: *through coms* do it, it’s for a distraction.

Birdie: *to Bob* you are too awesome and smart! It’s frustrating!

Bob: me?! You are the- you are the most beautiful girl in the world!

Birdie: *pouts*

Rooster: *on a sigh, through the coms* why… why did that offend her?

Bob: *through the coms* I usually say ‘in the universe’.

Mouse: how do people just stay motivated their entire lives? What drives you? I got out of bed once and I’ve been exhausted ever since.

Lucky: you need to learn to hate life to the point where you want revenge on existence itself.

The rest of the daggers: …

Birdie: *furiously taking notes*

[family game night, playing scrabble]

Mouse: I will put down ‘a’ to make ‘a’

Lucky: I will add to your ‘a’ to make ‘at’

Birdie: I will add to your ‘at’ to make ‘rat’

Bob: I will add to your ‘rat’ to make ‘biostratigraphic’

Hangman: *flips table*

Halo: you should treat spiders the same way you’d want to be treated.

Lucky: killed without hesitation.

Cinco: thrown out the window.

Spicy: screamed at.

Halo: no.

Mouse: left alone in the corner to sit in misery.

Phoenix: trapped in a jar to suffocate.

Birdie: drowned.

Halo: No!

Ice: Dragon, Whiskey, your kids are doing it again!

Dragon’s Angels📻: @dragon-kazansky @mrsjaderogers @gracespicybradshaw @bayisdying @starlit-epiphany @breadsquash

🏷️ list: @luckyladycreator2 @interstellarloneliness @lisedanie

[star-ocean-peahen]

fuck. fuck fuck fuck i am fucking terrified. (otherwise known as it's a Really Bad One today folks im literally just yelling into the void on this one take care of yourselves)

my dad. my dad can be really scary when he's mad. he says things that are really scary and he can be rough with me and my sibling when he's angry. i. i figured out that a threat of his from when i was a little kid has left me with a specific fear. i thought about all the times he takes it too far with disciplining us. he doesn't realize how much he's hurting us and i really absolutely truly believe that if he knew he would immediately stop. it's just hard because it's very difficult for him to understand us and himself and we're all exhausted and in a bad mental place.

but i told my therapist about that today and she said what i knew, that that's manipulative and probably emotional abuse, but then she mentioned the government protection system for kids and i hadn't put those pieces together and fuck fuck fuck fuck

when i was in my mid-teens i got my first and only other therapist and she called the government on us without mentioning it to me or my family because i had spoken about digging my fingernails into my arms and about how i felt bad when my parents fought and she decided that those things together (which i did not connect to her and are in fact not connected) necessitated a report and we all were interviewed. i had not realized at the time that the things my dad rarely did were not okay and nothing came of it but i was so fucking terrified that i would lose my family and everything i knew.

and now i know that if i told a protection worker about this my family would be taken apart. that would break my mom she's working so hard to understand why my dad thinks the way he does. (HE'S NOT FUCKING EVIL HE'S NOT PLEASE BELIEVE ME HE'S NOT HE LOVES US SO MUCH HE DOESN'T WANT TO CAUSE PAIN AND HURT HE JUST NEEDS TO FEEL SAFE ENOUGH TO TAKE THE NECESSARY STEPS TOWARDS MENDING HIMSELF AND HIS RELATIONSHIPS HE WANTS US TO BE HAPPY AND OKAY JUST AS MUCH AS WE DO HE WOULD WORK TOWARDS HEALING IF HE COULD HE'S GOOD I LOVE HIM) my mom is trying so fucking hard she loves us so much if we get torn apart because of something i did i don't know if i will be able to forgive myself i don't think i could forgive myself if i destroyed my family.

this therapist says she is not going to report anything yet she just wants call my mom but if she finds something she can't ignore she will have to report us and then i will lose my family. my family could be destroyed if this doesn't go well. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck im not safe anymore the people i love most in the world could lose everything in the next few months my life could be fucking destroyed and there's nothing i can do about it but hope my therapist decides we're working hard enough towards making this better that we can be allowed to stay together. and even if she does that my parents' trust in me and each other will be broken even more.

it's too fucking late why did i say that why did i say that my parents are going to be so scared all because of me because i told her all the gritty details and didnt realize that could fucking doom us.

help i can't do this i can't do this i don't know how im going to be okay or be able to trust my therapist again what am i going to do can i even do anything knowing that i could be losing everything

this is bringing up ALL the traumas and anxieties i feel so much worse what am i going to do fuck fuck fuck

[one-abuse-survivor]

hi i kinda need some advice on how to deal with everything but dw if its too much to help with

i live with my abusive parents, but despite them being very 'chill' the past year or so im still constantly on edge around them, my dad is practically nonexistent to me, i ignore him and have cut myself off from him emotionally, and im still pretty close to my mom as i kinda have to talk to her so often but she can get angry really quickly and want to hurt me so im constantly making sure my tone and wording are always correct and that can be exhausting in itself ngl lol. i work nights, im only slightly on edge around my coworkers as im still a little unsure of them but ik thats just 'fake news' and its just my anxiety talking. the issue is that, when i saw my boyfriend a few days ago, (i left the country and travelled alone), it was heaven. i felt safe 24/7, i got hugs, kisses and affection AND got to give that to him too and honestly, i was the happiest i think i have ever been in my life. i felt so free. then i had to go home, and once i saw my mom at the airport and getting in the car with her, it all crashed down and it was hell. ive only been home 3 days and ive only just managed to settle it down in my head lol its crazy. its just so opposite to being with him. my brain was just acting as though it had been shocked very hard and it was hard to just focus or be happy and i got suicidal pretty quick. i did start my period too, and i get bouts of depression whilst that happens so it really really did not help my situation at all and it sucked lol. i leaned on him a lot for support and it was so so hard to process and i just dont fully understand why. its so confusing as to why i practically had a breakdown when i got shoved back into that environment like i mean ik it makes sense like going from safe to unsafe very quickly can do that ig but i mean more like its just weirding me out a lot lol. i just cant believe i have been so on edge with my parents and how high my stress is all the time at home. id gotten very used to it, and ig a few days without it was enough to make my brain forget about it all. but idk. ik i need therapy or something like that lmao but i was wondering if you could help me understand it a little more and if youve gone through this before and like if i can get some advice on how to get through it a little more smoothly. my bf and i had a talk earlier and he wants me to try learn how to do all that by myself as it exhausts him when he has to help so much even though he wants to help as much as he can. i understand that fully and dont blame him at all for feeling that way, cos yk, hes my bf not my therapist so ik i can go to him for help but sometimes, like the past few days, hes not the best helper for that haha but im just struggling to know the steps i have to take to get to the self sufficient person we both want me to be lol. ik this is probably a lot, im sorry about it, but i hope your day is going the best it can go, thank you for helping us all out 💕

Hey, nonnie! Sorry for the late reply.

I'm sorry this happened and you had such a strong reaction to going back to an unsafe environment after feeling safe around your boyfriend. This used to happen to me too, and I can really relate to your experience.

When I was still living with my mother, my dad lived half a country away, and every year on summer and Christmas, I would travel alone to spend a few days/weeks with him and his wife. Being with them always felt like an oasis in a desert, and at the same time, it made me forget my mother's abuse. It was... Blissful, but also numb? I don't really know how to describe it. But, if I combine that with my experience with cutting out my mother for good, I can tell you that traumatised brains are experts at repressing all memories of the abuse the moment they feel safe so that you can keep on living without having to process all of it at once, which would paralyse you.

So then of course, going back to the unsafe abusive environment can be really distressing. It's like getting slapped in the face with all of the fear and horror that your brain had already locked away the first chance it got. When you're consistently feeling unsafe, you barely even notice it because your whole being is focused on surviving. But being able to lock that away in the back of your mind, only to have it shoved in your face again? It's absolutely going to mess up with your mind. It's how I felt every time I returned to my mother's house as well. And, in my experience, the longer you spend away from the abusive situation, the more your tolerance for abuse decreases, and the harder it hits you if you're exposed to it again.

I think just knowing that this is a thing that can happen can help you a lot. I'm assuming this was the first time you went through this, or at least the first time you noticed it. First times in any context can be tough, because you can't know what to expect. But, now that you already know this can happen, it won't take you by surprise, and that in itself might lessen the blow a bit.

And now that you know this can happen, you can also plan ahead so you have ways to ride the wave of emotions when it comes. Can you think of anything that helps you during bad trauma moments? Talking to friends, being outside your parents' house? Writing, reading, listening to music? Hiding in a safe-ish space? Personally, it used to help me to talk to friends and vent to my diary about the trauma back when I was in this situation, and also being away from home as much as possible.

I hope you can find things that help you! But I also want you to know that these trauma reactions probably won't go away for as long as you're living with your parents. Brains aren't wired for happiness—they're wired for survival, and it's not realistic to demand them to stop trying to help us survive. So please, be gentle with yourself if you continue having this (or any other) trauma reaction while you live with them. Being self-sufficient is a great long-term goal, but it's absolutely not worth punishing yourself for if you can't get there while you're still actively living in an unsafe environment.

I also want to say that I, too, went through still having trauma reactions around my abuser even after her abuse had "calmed down". I know it can sometimes feel like trauma reactions to being around our abusers aren't justified if their abuse isn't as bad as it used to be, or if we feel like it's stopped altogether. But, nonnie, they are. They're completely justified. Again, it's about survival. These people have shown they can hurt you, so the possibility of it happening again is always going to be there. And your brain isn't going to risk letting its guard down and being defenceless around them.

Hope some of this helps. Sending a big virtual hug ❤️

[vulnerablea]

@worth-beyond-a-number-scale hi, i also have severe ocd with morality, harm, and related themes. i empathize deeply with what you’re saying, and i also think @nothorses and the OP are making important points here.

yeah, having ocd in progressive/leftish spaces really is hell. i feel like that all the time. it’s ironic that i can feel so much less safe in queer spaces sometimes, even BIPOC spaces, which just leads to me constantly feeling alienated as a queer and non-binary person of colour. some of the worst betrayals i’ve had have come from these spaces.

and yeah, there is so much misunderstanding of ocd and lack of compassion around it. people don’t get how we just constantly question ourselves and worry worry worry and fear we’re capable of terrible, awful things. it’s exhausting. constantly.

i’ve found some exposure therapy and ACT (acceptance and commitment therapy) techniques to be helpful in addressing my ocd, and my therapist also just started introducing inference-based CBT, so we’ll see how that goes. i’m interested in how different techniques can work together and across each other to help me deal with the massive uncertainty and chaos and fear i live in all the time.

but also, there is a gift in being so attuned to uncertainty, and always asking questions. it allows me to see the grey areas and nuances more.

it’s so hard to actually sit with it all, and to not having everything just completely capsize me in its immense impossibility of “true” knowing. it’s made and still makes me cling to absolutes and wanting specific people to somehow save me from the world and be the arbiter of the “truth,” but then i can never actually believe in that and it ends up drowning my relationships in the pressure of it all, and the confessional/morality dynamic. and the nuances of existence are terrifying.

but having this intimate struggle with, and understanding of, nuance and complexity and im/possibility, also helps me to be more empathetic, and to learn to try to give myself a break more (still doesn’t really work most of the time…) it really is so hard. but i wouldn’t give up my ocd, my awareness of the hard space of uncertainty, even how it can tip into psychotic delusion and terror. i wouldn’t give it up because i think there is something that is also really beautiful and creative about being able to question things so much. i wish it didn’t tip into such extremes so much of the time, but i’m working on cultivating a balance. it sounds like you are too.

being able to question one’s principles and values and ideas is so important for the reasons mentioned in the op & by @nothorses, but it’s also true that how we go about it is going to vary a lot depending on our particular struggles.

i’m intrigued by therapeutic techniques that emphasize cultivating trust in one’s values, while also figuring out how to sit with uncertainty and questioning. and, even as people with ocd who question everything, we do also need to challenge our own biases and assumptions, and to recognize our mistakes.

i wish there was more understanding of how it’s important to do this without just moralizing everything, how it’s important to dismantle the culture of punishment that we live in. i think that’s a real problem, that questioning gets so intertwined with punishment, and that “checking your privilege,” for example, becomes a moral/punitive injunction rather than a process of developing empathy, curiosity, and care.

anyway, there’s a lot more i could say about all of this, but i’ll pause for now

It's very possible that the only way to ensure you don't become a conservative old person is to keep checking whether you're wrong. Every time. Genuinely mull over the opposing viewpoint even and especially when it's uncomfortable. You absolutely cannot a) consider yourself safely incapable of terrible principles because you're a good person, or b) treat a your disgust reaction to something as a moral truth. You can't get comfortable. Tiring! But you'd rather be tired and choose the right path, you know?

[evilmothblog]

i want to sleep but then im going to wake up and have to get up and im too tired to do that so i cant sleep does that make sense

i know for a fact im going to be exhausted whether i sleep or not so i dont see the point. but i really want to sleep im so tired. but then it will be tomorrow already.

i keep lying down with a rock under me so i can enjoy the feeling of resting without worrying about falling asleep because then i cant feel the rest anymore

i want to sleep but if i sleep i run out of time to rest so i have to do something else instead but even staying awake all night isnt enough time anymore tomorrow comes so fast and then i have to get up and go to class again

i wish summer break would be now already so i could spend a few weeks doing nothing much but sleeping and enjoy feeling well rested before the realization that its already been a month because i spend all my time sleeping and then i cant sleep well the rest of break because i cant let it all slip away so fast i need the break

i just want to go back to when a normal nights sleep was enough and sure its fast forwarding to tomorrow when you have to get up again which sucks but youll be so much less tired so itll be worth it. its not worth it anymore

im just so fucking tired i cant fathom getting a job and having even less time off. what do i do the doctors never found anything except for eventually 'your iron reserves are a little low' but even then taking the supplements for weeks i cant feel a difference im so tired i cant do anything life is falling hopelessly behind waiting for energy to strike so i can do my fucking laundry or something and then its back to waiting. what do i do.

my mom laughed when i said i was scared my legs were gonna start hurting so bad i wouldt be able to walk and id be disabled she thought the idea of me becoming physically disabled was ridiculous but im already disabled because im so tired and now the joint pain isnt helping like what the fuck do i do im failing my classes that they are paying for because im too tired to do any work what happens when they find out what happens when i have to live at home again what happens when i cant live independantly

i genuinely dont know if this is catastrophizing or not because so far the pain has just steadily gotten worse i wish i could be optimistic but i dont think lying to myself is going to help all it did was stop me from realizing earlier how much a walking stick helps

im tired of my therapist telling me i can do it i just have to believe in myself because i can say that all i want it wont make getting up any easier it doesnt make it hurt less

and now i cant sleep even if i wanted to because yet another random shaking episode is back am i actually just dying what is happening to my body

[fluffyseal322]

Wed Oct 2

Therapy. Breath work; identity; ADHD bubble

words learned during this entry(an item written in a diary): entry , disincline , agape —read after the highlighted word for the definition

[NOTE: i tried breathwork before writing for the very first time and i feel as if I was able to write better] Just got out of therapy... Jackie wants me to practice breath work once a day and at least 5 breaths. [count how long it takes to breath in then breath out for one second longer.] This week ive been noticing myself really stressed. I've recognized that i fell into this unconscious state of mind called an ADHD bubble. #Note, it is not always bad this could just mean that I'm in the zone but there are other experiences to this as said here: It feels as if I lost touch of reality long periods of time if its not right before my eyes. I feel as if I need a mindful moment and to feel and remember everything outside of the bubble. I feel stuck. I get extremely stressed, drained but not tired, and then exhausted... My therapist thinks its a protective state but I'm not entirely sure yet, i'm sure that's something I will come to know in the near future, like where this part of me comes from.

My last therapy session she wanted me to find my identity and I told her i've discovered a new crush. :3 She knows about Azrael. She says its a good idea that i'm getting motivation from him to be a better version of myself. She agrees in a sense of him being busy is forcing me to learn to have patience and be okay with being in the presence of myself. I'm learning to find myself without the company of a man. Ive also told her I've looked into finding an aquarium job! :3 eheheheh!!! I love marine life way too much :3 heheh !! I told her that my dream is to be a scuba diver! I've been going to the gym and I'd like to train my body to be scuba diver ready! Azrael once told me god will put you in a situation in which you have to prove you are worthy of it. So now that is how I look at life through most of anything that I think is hard. If it is an opportunity given to me, I shouldn't turn it down and be reluctant {unwilling to try} to the offer just because it seems difficult. I see it as a significant path given to me. I adore how wise Azrael is. Oh! I also told my therapist about my little blessing of a girl ive met :3 God has given me a soul sister and I will offer her agape {the highest for of Christianly love} for as long as she accepts it. I'm extremely grateful of her and that i've met her soul and she's met mine. My therapist says sometimes we are given soul sisters and soul brothers that we connect very well with and we may or may not keep them forever but they are like a mentor in that current moment. I should keep that in mind, as sad as it would be to fade away from someone I love very much, it will all be okay.

So until my next therapy session, I will focus on breath work and continue discovering my identity without a presence of a man! I have been doing and feeling amazing about life lately. I thank god everyday and I haven't given up. I prayed for strength and protection and that is what i've gotten. I'm extremely grateful. Signing off on my laptop...

p.s. I want to give all my electronics names :3 it would be super cute to say to my laptop as im signing out "see you later, (laptop name)" eheheh!!!

[hekkoto]

Updateeeeee~!

Heya darklings <3 Im coming with update, overall Im doing better so dont worry ;p In last days Im recovering from removal of wisdom tooth, quite problematic one to be honest – it was mostly under gums, at 45^ angle, right next to nerve ;p they had to force my gums away and they had to cut it into pieces to remove it >XD on first day I was in such excruciating pain I was almost walking on walls >XDDD thankfully it got better, I was sleeping for most of days on begining but Im feeling way better now ^^ last two days it hurts more again but I hope it will be fine soon ^^

Oh, Im starting therapy! I already had first session with new therapist and I I gonna have it once per week :> Im starting therapy which should be great for my borderline issues so maybe I will be able to have any progress when it comes to my stupid head. So far I told like half of my story, next appointment I gonna talk about past too so she will know on what we need to work the most. Tho she already told me I suffer from PTSD and that my childhood was really awful, we will also look what personality disorders I exactly have [cause yeah, borderline is sure but it seems there is moooore ;p]

Ye, my health is getting better, both physical and mental, when I have those downs its not that bad now and its easier to cope with. Also Im mostly on euphoric side ^^ yayayaya Im so happy! Of course, Im aware that my issues will need years to get better but at least Im moving forward ^^

And I will tell you something funny, lately me and my husband watch a lot of South Park aaand today I came to realisation... Im like fucking Cartman aaaaaaa >XD Like his behavior and mine have so many things in common >XD damn kill meeeeee XD tho dont worry, my marriage is doing fine, my husband really recognizes I try my best to show my love and affection and I work on myself to be less fucked up [I mean, I told him a lot before we even started dating, I just wanted him to be aware Im quite... problematic person ;p]

I should be fully back this or next week ^^ I have a lot of things waiting to be posted or finished since eternity lolz I have a lot of stuff that is awfully late but yeah, I gonna catch up soon ^^ I must do few more things like cleaning my flat, of course doctors cause I go there so often >XD but I feel like Im finally sorting out my life ^^ ye, Im positive things will get better <3 I again struggle with very often nightmares so my sleep is fucked up, like my insomnia is bad enough without it but now I struggle with often being super exhausted so I cant do too much at once. But step by step and I gonna do everything ^^

oh, I plan to make [probably few] videos cause I feel like I wanna talk about my past, my life, my health, my nightmares and other shit. Maybe someone would be interested and would find something they relate to and maybe it will be useful to anyone ;p if you have request about what you want me to talk just leave it in comment here ^^ and trust me, some of the stuff gonna be so fucked up >XD

Love ya pumpkins, stay tuned <3

[wherestarsfallaway]

I feel like this is a scary place. It holds some of my deepest hurtful memories. Memories of anger and spite. Memories of loneliness and sadness. It holds everything I wish to forget. Yet why do i find rereading my horrible thoughts so comforting?

Is it because I’m so goddamn alone that reading someones darkness… even if its my own.. feels comforting. Because someone out there is feeling that darkness too. Except. Its all just me anyway. Sometimes i feel like I come back here because I can look at these memories and think wow but I dont feel like that any more… so ive healed and grown.

Sometimes… I come back here to read all my thoughts about being hurt. And literally validate myself. Reread those thoughts and think ok. Well. She documented this years ago. So it mustve actually happened. Instead gas lighting away my own hurt. And chalking it up to nothing because thats easier

Today is the 20th.. well 21st now of December. In a few short days itll be christmas time and ill be back at my parents. I typed home first. But… i just really cant consider that true.

It hurts me so so much that I can’t truly love my family. It just does. I have this fantasy that I go on a podcast and I admit all the trauma I grew up with and people comment on that video that they understand and thank me for my vulnerability. What the therapist in me says that means is, i just want to be asked how Im actually doing and feeling for once without lying. And then get the chance to vent my true feelings. And then be thanked for being honest and vulnerable because I never got that experience growing up.

Its so complicated. There are months even that we are fine. Months where i think life is okay. Months where i finally feel like ive moved on and learned to get over all this bullshit. But that isnt true. And i fucking know it. Because the smallest randomest things will trigger me and I realize I havent healed at all. Im just hoping that the passage of time will dull the pain. But it wont. At least not fast enough for me.

I want to elope. And thats mainly because I feel like the only people who truly made me safe deserve to be there on my biggest most special day. And that person happens to be the person im actually marrying. And literally no one else. Why should I pay for people who didnt do the absolute bare minimum to celebrate my day? What did you do to earn the plate of my dinner because this isnt some fucking charity event.

I just saw someone say if youre considering ending it all because you think your family will be better off, dont because it isnt true. Yeah. I sometimes feel that. Ive felt both. Ive felt that sheer loneliness so deep and bitter that i think my family will be better off without me. But other days I know it would ruin them and that makes me happier because I actually wanna end it all out of sheer spite. Can you believe that. Sometimes. I was so angry at it all. Angry at the facade everyone else seemed to believe about us being the perfect family, that i wanted to die just so people would have to attend my funeral and realize what a shitshow it all was. Can you imagine how much fucking pain you have to put someone through for that to literally be their dying wish.

I’ve been paying rent on my own for months now. Which. At some level I understand. Im grown. But im literaly addicted to living here on my own because im terrified now of ruining the one space that makes me happy. If i have to hold my breath any longer Ill just pass away. I cant stand to compromise any more because I’ve just done this shit for too fucking long. I dont wanna hold my breath and tiptoe around my own house. I wanna relax and feel something other than anxiety in the space thats supposed to be my home. But im also exhausted. I finished my final two days ago but I’ve already worked so many hours. Ive been falling asleep midday because Im so emotionally exhausted. I just cant.

And meanwhile my family is fucking partying in las vegas. That shit builds so much resentment in me. I dont have to explain it. You know it. You understand. You dont wanna feel the betrayal anymore of knowing you were going thru a crisis just as deep and bad as your sister. But you just shut your mouth better about it. And nobody ever apologized for what they put you through. So you dont ever get closure.

At this point im so tired and sad I cant even continue this letter. Even though i have so much I want to get off my chest. My head hurts. My head hurts so bad from staring at a screen for 9 hours.

I have the sinking feeling this xmas season… sigh. I dont want to manifest it. But I wish I didnt have to go. I wish I could spend that week here. I’m tired. I barely have the strength to do anything anymore. And now Ill have to spend this break pretending. I wish I didnt want their approval so much. And i wish I could just let them go and live the life i truly want to live. Im tired.

Sometimes I fantasize about moving somewhere in secret. Turning off my location. And just vanishing. So i would have no more obligations.

But i never get what i want.. so heres to more hopeless dreams

Gnight

[phantom-pizza]

My friend came out publicly a couple days ago and it effects me

I just want to make one thing clear: I didn’t talk to her about how her coming out affects me. Im not going to, it’s her life and her decision. Its not her fault I have trauma from being trans and fear of rejection. I more than anyone know what it’s like to have a shitty coming out experience and I am not going to let my friend get hurt in any way. This is just a vent post where I share my experiences , not something I’d tell anyone irl (other than my therapist. Yes I’m in therapy don’t worry about me)

My best friend is a trans girl, she came out to our school a week ago. And it went really well for her. All our teachers use her correct name and pronouns, everyone is being supportive and the transphobes keep their mouths shut (as they should).

I’m a trans guy. I realised it when I was 14, I’m now 17. I struggle with my identity and self acceptance to this day. My elementary school friends, parents and online circles were all transphobic at that age. I internalised society’s messages about trans people very deeply. I believed and still do to an extent that nobody will ever accept me. I had a rough time coming to terms with my gender while also having to support my trans sibling’s gender (they eventually closeted themselves) and listening to my parents talk about how much they dislike the fact my sibling is trans and blaming me for transing their gender.

I am at a point where I am as sure as I can be in my identity as a man and am comfortable living as a guy online, with my friends and with my immediate family, but the idea of coming out terrifies me. I’m at a point where I can safely come out but I just can’t bring myself to do it.

I feel like crap. I feel left behind. I’ve known I’m trans for a year than my friend, but she’s already out and is getting a legal name change and scheduling meetings for hrt. And now I also know for certain that coming out in school will be completely fine. Maybe even a positive experience. But despite that, I’m too scared. To this day I worry all my friends are secretly transphobes. I can’t have a conversation about gender with anyone without crying. I’m jealous of my friend, I’m scared, I’m mad at myself, I’m dysphoric and I’m exhausted.

I just want to be myself. And I don’t have the energy to work for it.

[fairycosmos]

i just spent 2 hours trying to hang myelf and when that didn't work trying to strangle myself with a cord. i tried so hard. my face is full of broken blood vessels, my eyes too and my neck feels tight and is bruised and i cant swallow. im in such pain. physical and emotional. why is it so hard. i want to die. im so alone. i hurt so much. even killing yourself is a luxury i have no access to pills or drugs. i want to die it hurts so much my neck hurts everything i want to die

hey, jesus dude i’m really really sorry. obviously you’re in a lot of pain right now and i don’t want to condescend to you when i don’t know your specific needs or history. you may not be in the headspace to be able to take any of this seriously and if that’s the case i understand, but i hope you can come back to it when you are ready. i just want to let you know firstly that i’m so so glad you’re still here and that you are absolutely not alone. can’t imagine what has gotten you to this point and i don’t blame you for being tired because whatever it is, i can see that it is all so very difficult in the most unexplainable way, and i don’t want to minimize that at all. but the fact that you’re alive and surviving this moment, no matter how much you don’t want to, counts for so so much. your future self knows it too. please for now, just get yourself to a safe and familiar location and work on trying to come down from the adrenaline rush. breathe in for 4, hold for 4, out for 4. name 5 things you can see, 4 you can physically feel, 3 you can hear, 2 you can smell, 1 you can taste. understand that these little habits are not cures to your situation obviously, i’m not saying a few deep breaths is going to fix anything. there is clearly a much larger issue at play here, it’s just a matter of grounding yourself in this moment so you can find some clarity. mental illness only functions to warp your entire reality and level of judgement, you can not trust your brain or your beliefs about yourself/the world right now. i know it hurts and it feels like the realest thing in the universe. but these impulses are so strong that they’re generally not built to last - you CAN move forward from this and you CAN find a healthier way to do it. no matter what your mind is telling you. if you have ever felt like this before and gotten through it, then that is proof of this.

are you so injured that you need to call an ambulance or go to the ER? are you struggling to breathe, having chest pain or coughing up blood? if so, please call them right now. please. if not, is there anyone less immediate that you can call? i’m talking a suicide hotline, a friend, a family member, your doctor, your therapist if you have one, literally anyone. your brain is likely going to reject this idea but it’s one of the most effective ways of stopping this suicidal cycle that you’re currently stuck in. people care about you, they do, and it’s important to give them the opportunity to show that. you need outside intervention to mediate the situation, and it is perfectly ok to need that support. it is truly completely understandable and it is not going to be anywhere near as bad or as scary as your fear is building it up to be. please consider reaching out to someone my love. i’m not just saying this just to say it, your life has so much inherent worth and your current circumstances are not where you’re destined to stay. i understand that it’s tiring and sometimes it doesn’t feel worth it hanging on day after day, just for some vague notion of improvement occurring in some far off future. but even on a day to day basis there are small things work sticking around for. even in the midst of absolute agony. please try to consciously explore these reasons for living, even if all you want to do is lean into your reasons for dying. it can be something as simple as eating your favourite food again. no, it doesn’t compare to the amount of pain you’re in, but it is a good reminder that the pain isn’t all there is. please just focus on getting through the next hour and doing whatever it takes to achieve that, rather than trying to figure anything out. it’s alright to be all over the place, to be exhausted, it is not alright to harm yourself because of it. even if it takes you forever to learn that distinction, the whole point is to try. that is more than good enough. you are so strong and capable and good. you are supposed to be here and things would be irreparably different without you even if you genuinely can’t see that. you deserve to move forwards, you deserve to have a strong and healthy support system, you deserve to get to a place that feels less chaotic and more peaceful. i believe in you and i honestly think you can do it. speaking and working with the right professional over an extended period of time honestly gives you the tools to learn to manage these feelings and emotions in a way that stops them snowballing and getting to this point. being listened to, acknowledge and formulating a plan can make all the difference. as with any physical illness, treatment is necessary in order to heal but it is not some far off impossible thing to seek. it can be done, even just through a mental health organization in your area or by talking to a friend about what’s going on at first. any step in the right direction is something to be proud of. and sometimes that just looks like laying in bed surviving the day. i appreciate you sharing this w me and i know this must’ve been one of the worst days of your life, i really am so sorry. please, please consider calling or texting someone and getting some rest when you can. my inbox is open if you need a friend, i’m sending you so much love. please take care. x 

https://www.opencounseling.com/suicide-hotlines

https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/get-help/a-z/resource/50/suicide-coping-with-suicidal-thoughts

[dem-khuya]

maybe im making a big deal outta nothing. but i think im rly sensitive to the energy of the ppl i surround myself with even if its an online community. the writing community i was pretty active in was really rewarding to write with but on a conversational level i think i felt really unable to vibe with like anything happening in the discord server, and only after taking a break from the community did i realize i was always portraying a version of myself that was just... inherently false. just not me at all. maybe it didn’t feel terribly different at the moment but i think i was taking the extra mile to hide and show only certain aspects of my own life to create this image of myself that was simply inaccurate. you do this every day w strangers!! its normal! but i think i was doing this extensively so within this community and with this hobby that also asks me to be incredibly vulnerable. also while i was cool with the members of color there i was exhausted by being surrounded by a lot of white ppl. its just exhausting to talk to crackers lmao. and pulling away from that aspect of the community has done me so much more good too, and it shows me just how important it is for me to curate my space away from white ppl.

i feel a lot more light and unfettered now that im taking a break from the community. but i mean i use it as a means to write with my best friend whos also taking a break bc of health issues so not having that channel will make me sad. at the same time im making stories on my own and exploring my personal art more. and i think that has been so rewarding too esp since ive just spent the past few months doing collaborative writing. maybe its just tunnel vision but i think i like being able to return to my own stories and my own art, without the specific need to exchange ideas with people. like here is where my home is, the art and stories i make for myself. i think a mix of both working alone and working with others is healthy, maybe in my case i’d emphasize working mostly with myself at the end of the day the way i have been doing. but i feel like im veering very close to self-isolation again, which feels really nice but also comes with its own set of regrets too.

whenever i hint at or mention doing this stuff by myself though my friend is visibly hurt. so it feels a little taboo to say aloud that i need to keep a part of myself with ME, not available to be shared with anyone else. its the same as when i mention to my mother that i want to go to therapy. i know there’s a moment of her trying not to ask me “what do you want to say to a therapist that you can’t say to me?” bc we’re close. but she has her own secrets too. im not hurt when ppl draw a line in the sand in our relationships. boundaries are boundaries and i’ll respect them. but things are different with my friend. and i don’t really know how to approach this subject yet without it being hurtful to her.

i feel like this friendship has been so full of rocky points lately, more than it ever has, bc we’re both sensitive people and bc we’ve known each other for so long. i’ve been reading more articles about love and friendship and that line in the ask polly article that said something about how long time friends are like siblings bc we love each other while tolerating each other is hitting really hard. its like that other article, that famous one about the fear of being perceived, asks how often we love and are loved in spite of our flaws rather than because of them. it makes me think about my own flaws, of which there are many. my more ugly one, uglier than being short-tempered and hurtful in my anger, uglier than demanding that all of my efforts be repaid in some way (it reminds me of a line in qianqiu, in one of the later chapters when shen qiao says something like “it’s so rare to see that any effort we put into anything be repaid to us”), is my utter lack of faith. i don’t think i have faith in anyone, no matter who they are to me, and it’s an unfair and cruel thing to do to people who love you, even if they love you imperfectly. im so quick to accept my own disappointment and leave it where it is without putting in the effort to work with someone so that we can build a better path ahead of us. we! us! not just me and me alone. being hopeful and then being disappointed is terrible and i just have no endurance for it. so i think the answer to that is to see things differently maybe. not to settle, not to make further attempts to lower my expectations... just differently. just being more compassionate. i don’t know how or where to start but i mean a realization is still a realization right?

[rfaromance]

Hiii im not seeing time stamps on mobile so I hope matchups are still open? I’m totally up for it! I’m never sure which guy might suit me best, they’re all so amazing and I’m weird.

I’m 26, but I’m a child at heart. I props have ADHD, my therapist isn’t sure lol. But it makes me extremely passionate about everything I do. I’m a ENFP and it shows. I love love love history. I’m about to graduate to be a teacher (majoring in history, English and German as a second language) so I can work abroad. Might go for a PhD program; already published a linguistic paper and worked for my uni for a bit. Or just mixing up some school and being the best teacher ever. I’m not sure if I’d rather have a life of adventure or just be an adult and kick ass career wise. Reallllly unsure lol. But that’s for now. I really want a farm and work as an author once I’m done conquering the world. I like being outdoors (I’m a scout), I’d totally be up for vacations in the jungle and off the beaten tracks.

I’m a storm of feelings, like, all year around. I like to think that the whole “MC you’re so kind and warm-hearted” bit fits pretty well. But sometimes I forget my own well being while caring for someone else. Been f*d over a few times already :/ have pretty weird mix of anxiety whenever I go out. I don’t trust super easy but I’m ride or die for the people I love. The guy would have to be ok with constantly giving reassurance haha. My love language is touch and I love giving love, but sometimes I’m pushing the whole world away if I’m having a bad day. I’ll make up for it with thousand little surprises. I may be annoying sometimes, but I still think I’m a good girlfriend. Sometimes it’s hard for me to stop my emotional side from running wild, but if I do I am pretty logical and analytical. This whole ADHD thing where I notice tiny details about everyone? Yeah. Exhausting, but sometimes it’s a gift. As long as I can just be myself at home. I do need quite a bit of time for myself sometimes. I can get worked up when there’s too much noise or when I feel ignored. Sometimes I get angry, mostly at myself. I think I look like a lost puppy or something, sometimes I don’t even talk bc I’m so confused and overwhelmed lol. I won’t let go of someone who’d help me steer through that stuff.

. .... Other than that I love to play the ukulele (campfire amateur) and sing. My friends say I’m pretty good- or at least they love to listen :) I’d totally love to learn to dance. Also: I normally work as a bartender/waitress and i totally think about mixing drinks at the RFA parties all the time.

Last thought: I’m wildly independent. I would definitely NOT let anyone get overly protective all the time (or reach a toxic level of jealousy for that matter). I’ve been in a relationship with extreme gaslighting and verbal abuse before and I like to think I learned my lesson. It’s all about admiring and respecting the shit out of each other. Total equality.

Sorry if this is too much, I’m totally bored today bc of lockdown.

Hi! I am so sorry for the delay! After much deliberation, I would pair you with...

Jihyun Kim (V)!

V has dealt with a tumultuous relationship before, and honestly, he would be well-equipped to handle both your emotional and your more logical side. He’d understand that you have your limits and your boundaries, and he would respect them. He’d also support you unconditionally--he’s self-sacrificing to a fault for the people he loves. Just as we saw him trying to do everything within his power to get Rika the help she needed, he’d stick by your side through thick and thin.

His artistic side would LOVE hearing you play the ukulele and sing. He’d maybe use your songs and your image as inspiration for some of his own works. He’d also be in love with your brain; he’s drawn to the wise, to the clever, to the eclectic. Plus, being a bit of a wine connoisseur, he’d probably be fascinated with your mixed drinks and be willing to taste test all of them!

He’s protective but he also respects boundaries. He doesn’t have the same jealous tendencies that some of the other boys have, either. He had to grow up too fast, unfortunately, but because of that he’s learned a LOT about love.

Jihyun was a selfish boy who grew into a selfless young man. Total equality is what he’s all about. No more secrets, just open, true love without smothering one another. Not everyone needs love like the sun, but if you asked for it, he’d give it to you in a flash.

[broodsys]

so. just like - updates, overview, mood, what im trying to deal with, lowkey venting

ending week 7 of school (out of 10) and im so glad that both classes are rly laid back bc i am struggling sfm with everything lately. and i mean, spanish is still challenging bc its a whole different language, but it’s a very familiar challenging and the prof, for all her faults, is a soft grader which i appreciate.

im a lot calmer about the kitten situation bc even tho (stray) momma cat had five kittens this time, good!neighbors helped last year and have been involved with me thru momma cat ever since, and im a lot more familiar with what to do. for instance, i didnt panic and temporarily steal all her babies at fair injury to myself only to research, see that they should be with their mom at this age, confirm it with the vet, then let them go right back outside lmao. instead im just leaving them with her but beginning to interact with them. and im sure the neighbors socialize them, too - after all, they’re mostly on/under their deck and who wouldn’t want to play with tiny kittens?

and yall, they’re so fucking cute im ;;;;;; one gray, one pure black, one tuxedo like its mom, and two tortoiseshells, one with a black splotch right on the middle of its face and nose ;o;

and in less fun but still good-ish news, i think i got the one concession that since alcohol has become such a big trigger of mine, if my brother is going to drink he has to be kinda subtle about it, ie no beer cans left in the sink for me to wake up to and feel like ive been punched in the gut literally first thing in the morning (:

actually bc ive been so triggered by that (it’s been going on for like 4 days as of yesterday) i had a Ton of anxious energy and, in part bc ive been needing to anyway, rearranged my room p significantly. but now im on my desktop at my actual desk instead of trying to work on, literally, a folding tv dinner tray. but my 10g aquarium was on my desk and its a pain to move - still, it was one of those rearrangement sessions where after u move one thing u see how another thing should be moved, and it all works out really well. the new location for the 10g is so close that i was able to slide it over and have it rest at one point on both surfaces

im still exhausted and still fighting so many different things, health, stress, etc. - but i have my root canal appointment on monday (finally!) and while, like, the tooth is already dead and a drainage point has developed naturally, both of which mean im not in pain, its still an ongoing infection and that’s Not Great for anyone and esp for my immunocompromised ass. so, yeah, looking forward to that. also bc it’s a complicated root canal job (my root splits midway and has two ends, and it’s one of my front teeth! even tho it’s a pain, neat) i need to see an actual endodontist, but im honestly p excited abt that bc endo is my personal favorite dental specialty and it’s so cool. i love watching them work? even when they’re working on me?

im gonna run my name & gender change forms done to the courthouse this upcoming week, and im rly excited! and nervous! i don’t think i have much cause to be, like i think it’ll go thru without a hitch, but official paperwork of any stripe makes me hella nervous

but also i have been... rly relieving my past a Lot lately. some of u may’ve seen me mention this in now deleted posts but just, yeah, i think everything that’s going on just stirred up all my old traumas and i cant rly ignore it anymore, so im thinking abt getting a therapist of some kind, more just to have someone external to the family and not, yknow, tumblr to talk to abt all this. even dug out my DBT handbook, which should say a Lot abt my state of mind bc that thing was a pain to dig out and it’s heavy and unwieldy (and great, and written by someone with BPD, and great and personally completely revolutionary and did i mention great?)

but the garden and all the growth and the birds and squirrels and bugs and everything else makes me feel so calm, so connected to smth a lot greater and vaster than my household or immediate family or the stressors (living) downstairs, which helps.