#im tired i need a nap

[sketchesandnonesense]

I feel like hell so I'm having profoundly Selfish thoughts today like

"I wonder if any doll makers would want to do a make-a-wish for my pathetic cancer riddled ass and make me a doll just right to my specifications as some kinda charitable christmas miracle"

Like

A doll is a very time consuming thing to make. And expensive. Theres a reason sculptors n customizers are expensive.

It's stupid to even think about.

Like yeah I'm 2 years into dealing with cancer and things are not looking Great if I'm entirely honest but I dont have an expiration date on my forehead and given the circumstances with the people in my life I am incredibly lucky.

So like.

I feel like a bad person even thinking about it.

Yknow?

Idk. Putting a cut just bc maybe it'll make me feel like I have SOME shame about overthinking this if that makes sense.

But I can't get the thought out of my head. Like.

Maybe in some fucked up way it could be mutually beneficial if they were one of those youtuber types or even just a smaller maker.

Doing something like bringing a cancer patient's dream doll to life could turn heads. Would make one hell of a good youtube video, for sure. Lol.

Worst thing is though is just. My dream doll is BB. Theres details I could alter and concede on and things but for the most part I want her to be directly like my sketches. Cartoony and simple.

I feel like I'm like a loser telling a sob story on deviantart saying my mom's uncle's hamster died n the only thing to help is free art from a stranger. A shameless choose-y beggar with a sob story.

But if you'll let me be alil melodramatic for a minute just so I can get it out of my system.

But

I've loved dolls all my life. Not always seen myself as much of a collector, really, but I love them. And one thing I always wanted was a doll that was Mine. Made exactly how I wanted, just for me. No hangups, no skimping on things, no compromises. It was a pipe dream. I wanted to be a doll maker so badly. But I was never good with physical crafts. They never came out right (rarely even came out GOOD at that). I tried and tried everything I could. Making plushies, clay, customizing pre-existing dolls, anything. Nothing worked. I just am not cut out for doll making.

So, I accepted this was something I needed a professional to do for me. And over the years I've trusted people with my characters and while I do adore the work I've gotten. None of it's ever Done It. Because I was always having to make a dozen little sacrifices. Having to account for the artist's style. Sometimes the design had to change to be more feasible and so it didnt cost as much. Sometimes it just straight up didnt turn out.

I remember as a kid I got enough christmas money to commission an itty bitty plush of my sonic OC from an expensive plush artist. I was so excited. I thought it was finally happening.

It was awful. Quality was mediocre at best. It was maybe 3 inches tall. And the eyes were this weird stiff fabric piece that kinda jutted out from the felt and looked glued on.

V petty side tangent, i know, but just kinda the first example where I tried to fufill this dream and it just. Fell through.

Its always still stuck with me through the years, trying again and again to make a doll, but all I have to show is boxes of half-used supplies im too ashamed to even look at.

And now I'm here again. Thinking about it.

I've said it before, but my past two years have been awful. 2023 was entirely eaten up by my chemo and radiation and recovering from having my entire stomach removed. Thought I was cancer free and was starting to find normal again. Then in january scans and biopsies I was told it came back. Liver, this time. This entire year has been trying different chemo drugs and scans and things looking up only to crash back down again.

And I'm so tired.

I actually was (technically still am) trying to commission someone to make my doll. Pay an artist properly like you should. I saved up and I figured I deserved it with everything. Im 27, I'm an adult, i can make my own decisions.

She didnt disclose she'd just moved. To a rural area. And was still struggling to get internet and plumbing situated. Or that there was much of a queue infront of me. Its my fault for not looking into it more and finding the practically defunct social medias and untouched-for-months trello page. I was promised a turnaround time within a month. That was back in august.

Anytime I check in there's always something new going wrong. Broken tablet pen, power outages, family stuff. I dont think she's a scammer or trying to make excuses. She's sweet. But im exhausted of waiting.

Im sort of just accepting I'm never seeing that money back, or getting my doll. The paypal protection will still let me charge back, but I'm not about to put a woman in her situation in the red, especially when she's got a kid to feed. Maybe she'll get done eventually, but if I can be morbid and dramatic, i think by that point BB would have to be a grave decoration.

And I can't bring myself to save up again hoping that maybe I can find another artist who MIGHT be able to bring her to life in the exact right way and maybe finally. FINALLY I can have this one thing in my life.

I guess it'd help for people who dont know jack shit if I actually showed the character on partially Why she'd have to be a christmas miracle.

Its not overly complicated or a really old Beloved OC. She's honestly one of my newer babies. But I made her SPECIFICALLY with the idea of her being my dream doll. And its very. Very silly.

But. This is BB:

I tried to imagine a character thatd be in a cartoon I'd watch as a kid and be VIOLENTLY mad didnt have some sort of doll I could buy, lol. Retro anime, cute and round, robot girl.

To avoid an infodump: she's a little fighting robot. Think medabots or angelic layer. She has a human who she's best friends with and she fights other cute little robot dolls. She talks only in beeps and boops and is 11inches tall (without antannae) and she's silly and I love her.

And she's my dream.

Imagining in my head the anime that I would've adored as a kid, and a doll thats literally her plucked off the screen. Not a barbie in an outfit, not something close enough, but the simplistic cartoony lil goofball.

I know its really. Really silly. Its silly to be caught up in this kind of idea and its silly to get all bent out of shape over and its silly I'm even like.

Putting these thoughts into the world

Feeling like a kid writing a letter to Santa

But thats it. Thats my wish or my dream or whatever. Its selfish. Its so so so selfish to imagine not just putting someone through doll making but making such a weird hard-to-translate-to-3d-space design and potentially having to work with me abunch to make sure she's just right. Without like. Thousands in compensation, lol.

Like I said, im willing to work with and do some adjustments to make her more do-able (fiddle w/ proportions alil, figure out a way to do the joints in a way that still fits her style while being actually moveable, more engineering side than aesthetics obvi lol. I really would love her to be stupid posable).

But i dont think that really probably means much

Idk.

I feel silly and selfish even putting this into the world but hey. Can't hurt to wish on stars and hope for christmas miracles. Right? It's not like I'm gonna go knocking on doors asking for something this batshit, lol.

Like. I wouldnt survive the shame.

If they dont respond I'll die of anxiety n guilt. Getting turned down might hurt even worse because then I'd know for sure they'd read it and probably felt Really Fucking Uncomfortable.

If i was a kid or whatever then maybe it'd be atleast endearing to get that kinda message insteada Just Sad.

No winning. Lol.

Im tired out now and the post-chemo-day agonies are starting to rev up again so I think I'm gonna go lay down now.

[spookytimecollective]

im tired of trauma thank you

[lastchr1stmas]

[hellas-himself]

While I might’ve made the icing too watery, this is really good. It’s not too sweet or bitter, everything balances each other out. I didn’t find apricot liqueur so I used apricot syrup. Maker bless all the tumblrs on here for sharing the recipes and pictures and the codex. I haven’t played the game yet but I’ve been dying to make this since finding out about it.

Shout out to @kakibot for the visuals- this was so vital lol shout out to @spare-coffin for the converted recipe which I kept on hand the whole time as I can’t remember anything ever. And one more to @eveninglakehomeworld for sharing the additions/changes they made which gave me confidence to do the same.

[dogwater56]

Post-it note doodle of sleepy Sydney(s)

[halebobgr]

tired lately...

[inknbrew]

Easy Dark Academia Activities

Learn your favorite words in another language

Watch a movie in another language

Look around a bookstore (you don't have to buy anything)

Look around a thrift store

Learn to play chess/watch someone play chess

Journal or write stuff down

Pay extra attention to how people think and how they react to things (philosophy?)

Read your favorite book (Dark academia is about a passion for knowledge, not reading because it's on a booklist)

Practice an instrument if you have one

Learn an instrument if you want to have one

Crochet or knit something

Make candles

Make vintage looking paper (I use brown + red food coloring for mine, works fine)

Spend time talking to someone about mutual interests (mutual is important so the conversation is truly understood)

Teach a stuffie or little sibling something you learned so you remember it better

Sudoku.

All forms of puzzles

Use murder mystery board games (Clue)

Play dark academia video games (Strange Horticulture, Book of Hours, etc.)

Write a short story

Cozy up with a drink (not any in particular) and a blanket

Paint something. Anything. It can be a cat in a tuxedo. Just have fun with it.

[moeblob]

OC

[soulzerofever]

a little late but day 3 (trust no one) and day 4 (blind eye) WOOHOO!! iii definitely took some creative liberties with day 4 but i couldnt resist WAHAHA

[hiddencircus]

LEONA BLINKIES! | requested by anon

likes & reblogs are appreciated! | reblog if use

[waitineedaname]

I was in such a bad mood but turns out all I needed was a snack and a nap and now I'm a changed person. There's a rainbow outside and I just stared at it until it disappeared. Fucking awesome.

[siriusly-the-best-bi]

Ya know what’s curious to me? In Episode 2 when Crowley asks Aziraphale in the cellar whose side he’s on, Aziraphale responds “God’s, of course!”

Ya know why this is curious?

Well, for one, they’re talking about sides. Heaven and Hell. Their respective bosses. Crowley’s response of going along with Hell as far as he can makes sense, it’s what we expect to hear, but when he turns the question on Aziraphale, he doesn’t exclaim ‘heaven’s obviously!’ He immediately associates himself and his values with God directly.

Second of all, In episode 6, when talking about accepting the Metatron’s job offer as the new supreme archangel with Crowley, Aziraphale says “but heaven! Well, it’s the side of truth, of light, of good.”

For the entirety of Good Omens season 1, Aziraphale had always talked about following God’s ineffable plan, which was a noticeably different turn of phrase than those such as Gabriel used in heaven, always referring to it as the Great Plan. This is even the very thing that lead them to wiggling their way around Armageddon in the first place when confronted by Gabriel and Beelzebub.

Aziraphale has always made the distinction that he is an angel and does good because he believes that God is good and he trusts in their design.

Now I might just be loosing it, it is nearly 3am, but this sudden distinction and the choice of Aziraphale to not only discuss heaven in such a manner, but to refer to it as an entire Side, and use the adjectives he uses to describe heaven when we’ve only ever seen or heard him talk about God this way… it just all plays very intentional to me. It feel’s weird.

Especially once you take into consideration the flashbacks we’re shown of Beelzebub and Gabriel discussing the failed Armageddon in their little pub rendezvous. They never once mention their respect ‘boss’. Gabriel says “we are ready for round two.” And Beelzebub’s response is “as are we.” This we that they’re referring to isn’t God. It’s not Satan. They’re talking about the beings who reside in these respective places. The Angels and the Demons. And the conversation then continues with Gabriel admitting, “everyone in Heaven is all like, ‘Well, you’re the commander-in-chief, can’t you just make the war happen anyway?’ Like, I make the rules.” And whats Beelzebub’s response? “That’s exactly what my lot said.”

The pressure isn’t coming from God anymore. In the past, like seen in the Job episode, when there were divine tasks at hand they were dealt with by the angels for God, and God was directly involved in finding the outcome. There was no going through management or filing paperwork or monitoring miracles. And hey, I get it. As time evolves along with the humans, so does everything else.

My question is, is it possible that with these evolutions in the human world, that Heaven and Hell have perhaps learned a thing or two from humanity as well? Already they’ve mimicked the clothing, the office spaces, the entire design of heaven and hell down to the management hierarchy. Is it possible that these wars and these fights aren’t being started by God anymore, but an act of civil war amongst the Angels and Demons? We already see Michaels urge for power and control paralleled and almost foiled by Shax’s drive for control and power and both were the driving factors between any of the Major problems this season that lead to major conflicts between Heaven and Hell.

That brings us of course, to the Metatron. Who is he and where exactly did he come from? When did his position become necessary and why wasn’t he present as the ‘voice of god’ in the job minisode? Why suddenly are all of God’s plans, only being carried out by him?

Do you want to know why I think Gabriel was being demoted and not sent to Hell as a fallen angel? Because I don’t think they can. I think that’s something only God can do, but what kind of fear and control would that hold over all the busy bee’s? No, no, instead, let’s frame it as a Kindness. Heaven won’t cast you out because it will make them look bad! because it’s happened before, so they have no choice but to play a game of politics to keep everyone in check.

But here’s my question. Has there been a fallen angel since the great war? Why is it that after all this time, Aziraphale hasn’t fallen time and time again? Why is it that instead of an Angel falling from grace to join the armies of hell, the response to an act of rebellion is absolute destruction. The same could be said for hell. If you have demons walking around that are doing good, wouldn’t that simply just re-spark their halo’s? Why is it that they’d be destroyed by Holy Water instead of simply returning to Heaven?

It’s because God plays an ineffable game of their own design. They’re not playing with earth, or humanity. They’re toying with the Angels and the Demons. It’s why they’re placing bets with Satan.

When Crowley’s attempting to convince Aziraphale to run away for the last time, he doesn’t say Fuck God and Fuck whatever game this is, we don’t need to be a part of it. He says Heaven and Hell are toxic we need to get away from them.

It’s just so curious to me how this season has carefully and slowly taken us away from the idea of God and God’s Ineffable Plan and instead led us into this drama between Heaven and Hell, no mention of God whatsoever. No narrator.

[sunlaire]

Trying to figure out how to draw this guy.

[rou2464]

The Twins are done! (made with Figma)

[kyleecarrigan]

You cant tell but i forever need a nap…. Or need a forever nap. Idk yet 🤷🏽‍♀️

[weirdly-specific-but-ok]

goodnight maggots

Apparently you all, just like me, need periodic reminders to go to sleep on time, so here is yours. Go get some rest, loves, it's not selfish or unproductive of you, it's not you wasting time that you could be enjoying, it's something you really, really need.

Good Omens fandom, here's a miracle for you, and for everyone else reading this post, too. Let there be rest. I hope your muscles loosen up, I hope your breaths even out, I hope your bones don't ache so much anymore. I hope the pain takes a step back, lets you feel ease before you lay your head down. I hope you fall asleep without too much effort, slipping into quiet dreams that you won't remember when you wake up, but you know they made you smile. I hope you gather enough strength to wake up and live without too much pain. Let there be rest.

I know there are people reading this with their eyes burning and spine hurting just like me so it's time to go to sleep now, okay? Whenever you see this post, if you haven't slept properly, do it as soon as you can. If you see this ages before you go to sleep, think about it when you have to, okay? These wishes will wait for you. Don't worry. Do your best to sleep.

Maybe when you wake up, a nightingale will sing.

Goodnight, now. I love you.

-Asmi