#im tired and scared for my country
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i am actually so tired of the way westerners treat eastern europeans
#fair warning for. a very very long ramble and rant in the tags. apologies#westerner or russian. no other option#westerner because the only thought they ever have is 'but they had universal housing so if you oppose ussr you oppose that'#(which is stupid becuse you can believe in that WITHOUT WANTING LIKE 6 COUNTRIES TO BE FORCED TO BE RULED OVER BY RUSSIA)#(SORRY FOR WANTING TO LIVE IN MY COUNTRY WITH MY HISTORY AND MY CULTURE AND NOT RUSSIA!!) (poland was a sattelite state but GOD)#or russian because they have a victim complex and are convinced that they deserve to rule over the entire damn world#'well you had universal housing so you had it easy' right yeah. okay. forget about like. everything else that happened#to eastern europeans during that time#forget about the things that are STILL issues all these years later not only in poland but like the more eastern countries too#its not about. the fact that the houses 'didnt have 3 bedrooms and a jacuzzi' in them. you DUMB SACK OF SHIT#god sorry. sorry. i also know so very little but like god damn i fucking live here. i didnt sit thru all that modern history#for some dumbfuck to say that 'ohhh only rich and american middle class people are happy the ussr was dissolved'#'oooh the dissolving of the ussr was illegal and the countries within it actually liked being there'#im just so fucking tired man i need to. i need to start killing people#and this is all not to mention that theyll say this stupid shit and then deny eastern europeans the things they actually did that were good#FUCK french people for trying to claim maria skłodowska. fuck americans for trying to claim the witcher as their own fantasy world#fuck the way the west is allowed to claim and destroy eastern european culture without any consequence because we dont matter enough#vaguely related but ill throw this in here since anyone finding it is unlikely and im scared of having this opinion#i think one underappreciated aspect of DE (which might be underappreciated because its not actually there and im stupid)#is that its pro-communist while still also giving some criticism to how it was handled and acknowledging that its still not perfect#which makes the writers much better communists than any self-proclaimed one ive ever met in my life who just worships the idea#perhaps its because the writers of the game were not white upper middle-class americans living in the suburbs. among other things#idk de is a game for people far smarter than me and i only played it once and im sure anyone who played it well can clock me as a bad perso#horrible horrible person even which is why im scared of mentioning it. but its an interesting thing. to me#the main thing is that im just not. im not far left enough i suppose. i agree communism in theory is a great idea. as far as i know it#(which isnt very far)#but chances of implementing it correctly in a way that doesnt take away from peoples happiness in other areas is. low. very low#i wrote a short essay about how utopias are inherently contradictory ideas once it wasnt very deep or good but like#you cant have universal happiness without restricting certain freedoms. and when those freedoms are resticted not everyone#will be happy. and then theyre unhappy they will have to be somehow removed or ignored
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🤧🐀🌧️🌊
#need to clear my head;#im in such a bad mood. my face is in a perpetual angry state. im just so so bitter nd pessimistic rn#trying not to get stuck in negative chaos thought spirals nd to just take it as it come#nd be patient bc recovery takes time i know. but i havent been able to feel healthy or functional for 7 months nd i am so tired#i cant help but worry abt my health nd what kinda diet i can have nd how to work all of that out.#like the removal of the gallbladder dont ensure a good digestive system. they remove it bc it can irrepairably hurt u#also im so so stressed out abt school nd my courses. i already had to drop one last week. nd it isnt looking like i'll be able to pass my#eng class.. it just isnt looking like it's realistic at all :/ i personally dont mind if i fail. but i can get issues w my wellfare hmm#bc like im still feeling rough nd u only get sick leave for one week after surgery.. so i have to go on thursday nd friday but im gnna#be in pain plus be so hungry nd be unable to concentrate idk#idk idk!! im already willing to take out loans to finish my upper secondary school.. but i have to make it work w timing nd stuff so im not#sitting here unable to pay rent or the bills or food lmao. so idk have to fix it somehow#nd the pressure of this country rapidly declining state is stressing me tf out!! having nazi conservative rightists in the ruling is just#dreadful!!!! for many reasons but atm idek if i can do distance classes like i wanted to ://#i just.. wanna be able to go for my long walks. go to the gym. eat normally. have coffee. study nd finish highschool.#then apply for whatever program i can nd move to another calmer city. prob eventually find a path to move to another country. like norway..#im thinking too much but my thoughts are spinning nd killing me like i cant stop it im so scared nd anxious lmao 💀#im also trying to be brave and write to the psych clinic for personality disorders nd be upset nd 'beg' them for help ksksksks.#but like... the thing abt having avpd is that i kinda dont wanna bc im scared of the possibility of them helping me lol#im just in a low place nd bad headspace and it's just getring worse nd im getting more nd more tired#i dont have much more energy to keep it together nd pretend like im ok or like i have hope lmaoooo idk what to do#anyway... idk idk guess i just gotta .. keep crawling forward anyway i can
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opened the explore tab on here and immediately got whacked in the face with people saying that people drawing fucking hatsune miku as my nationality/heritage should be. killed and tourtured. oh boy i love the internet and people being normal.
#vent#im just. tired and pissed and sad and scared and i never talk about it on here#because this is Not the place and Not the people#and because a part of my identity has been taken and run with and so heavily stigmatized#that nowadays im scared to even make a mention of the fact that im jewish.#because who said its ANYONES deal except for the people who have a stake in the conflict#everyone else is just following trends and what their friends tell them to think#without even ever realizing conflicts arent black and white and there arw complexities to things that go#so much fursther than ‘this person is bad’ or ‘this country needs to be gottwn rid of’#everyone who is not personally tied to the war should really just. shut the fuck up. and use their brain for once.
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*takes psychic damage some stank ass political opinions from multiple moots*
....... I don't have the spoons for this shit.
#im scared and tired and if i look at politics rn my disoccociative disorder will kick in and ruin the next few days for me#so fuck this shit im going and hiding in some fanfiction#yall have a right to your (actively detrimental) opinions but I do not have to stick around for them#(jfc we need to stop fucking infighting and daydreaming about unrealistic “alternatives”)#(voting third party in this country is going to do jack shit except dilute the vote on the Left)#(which is EXACTLY what fucking happened in 2016)
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genuinely so angry and scared im shaking. how many other times this week this month this year have i been exposed without knowing it. do people even tell each other anymore. it’s just so grim. it’s so fucking grim
#purrs#delete later#covid19#i am fighting for my fucking life every day to stay safe and to keep the people around me some of whom are disabled / chronically ill /#immunocompromised / medically vulnerable safe. i am fucking fighting for my life. it’s already hard that i am usually one of two people in#any given room still wearing a mask let alone an n95 mask. hard and bad enough that we get looks for wearing masks and people think im crazy#for my life still being on hold and for my family still basically never going anywhere. ITS FUCKING WORSE that we are still very much in the#throes of all of it and we are in constant physical and quite frankly EXISTENTIAL danger not only of getting sick / becoming (more)#disabled / literally fucking dying but also returning to the absolute hell of lockdown which while important was psychologically damaging in#ways that are difficult to even articulate. like not only have we as a society decided to not give a shit about unpacking all of that and#healing from the trauma and assuming everyone went through the same thing when we very much did not and to just send everybody back to#school and work because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 but we have ALSO decided to pretend like the freakish unceasing danger just doesn’t exist#anymore and to get rid of every tool we had available to keep us safe or at minimum make people have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to#access them because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 !!!!!!! im TIRED. im so fucking tired of it. i am so fucking exhausted and angry and scared. and i#HAVE the luxury and privilege of being able to afford n95 masks and covid tests and to be able to work a job that i can do remotely if i#need to and to not be disabled or immunocompromised. what makes me fucking furious is we decided to throw all the people who don’t have#that access or privilege under the fucking bus and forget about them lol. but what do you expect from a country rotten to its core the way#it is lol. im fucking despondent. why are we living in an incinerator.#* the lockdown(s) werent just important they were necessary. and arguably we should have another one even though if we do i genuinely fear#for my mental health both during and afterwards and quite frankly before. im tired. i am grateful for the life i live which has resulted in#part from the different things that have happened because of the pandemic but i also so desperately wish this never happened and every day I#think about what life would be like if it hadn’t happened. the grief of it all is unspeakably big.
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#please feel free to ignore me i just really need to fucking scream#living in the us is really feeling like a fucking death sentence and im sad and scared and tired and i STILL HAVE TO LIVE LIFE SO LIKE WHAT#THE FUCK#am i supposed to do#like im trying so fucking hard not to feel hopeless but fuck me#my anxiety and depression have been so much worse lately and im trying so hard to do better#this country is a fucking nightmare
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im actually so mad right now but im being really brave and not making posts or suibaiting on twitter i deserve ten billion dollars every time i dont kill people who are assholes to trans men
#DONT EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT <- seething#sorry for saying i want to kill people it’s my inherent masculine violent urges 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄 or whatever we’re saying abt trans men these days GOD#I HAVE GOT TO ATART HITTI LMG PEOPLE WITH HAMMERS#*HITFING#*HITTING#fucking christ#Sorry 👍 do not want 2 complain on main bc i dont want 2#open a complicated bag of worms when im tired & cant. whTs ethe word#express myself right#tldr i saw a really bad tweet being super condescending to (murican) transmascs who r scared by the stare of our country rn and i am very ma#*mad abt it 👍 also it was super#dangerous advice. like girl.
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#im so tired#im so fucking tired#im so fucking tired of the world being incapable of accepting things that scare them#forcibly detransitioning.#forcibly fucking detransitioning#my trans friends in tennessee are going to be forcibly. detransitioned.#and we are sitting here in our fucking classrooms not saying a thing.#and i am just a fucking teenager#incapable of doing anything#and i am sitting here on my ass in my room watching these thousands of people speak and protest and scream and remain completely fucking#unheard and i am so tired. i am so fucking tired.#this is genocide. does anyone FUCKING HEAR US THIS. IS. GENOCIDE.#GENOCIDE IS BEING COMMITTED IN THIS COUNTRY AND WE ARE SITTING HERE PLEDGING ALLEIGANCE TO THE GODDAMN FLAG AND NOBODY. FUCKING. HEARS. US.#im just so tired#im just so. so tired.#tw transphobia
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#genuinely sad cuz i know even if mp was a very big movie and aims for cinemas my country wouldn’t allow this movie to play out#im very tired and worked up about the anti-lgbtq politics in my country..#they even tried to ban the parade that’s been going on for 15 years!#i am scared that i would never be able to support my rights with my people. without getting worried about getting killed. or arrested#hate crimes are really high these days.. upff i really hate it here
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bluerhhh WHY do people put gross photos in their articles i hate that i hate thatttt... im just reading through articles so i can feel more at ease with a spider near my bed (because there's no way for me kill him without getting close, which i will not be doing, and a vacuum is going to wake up everyone in my house) and wikihow was really helpful and nice but ughhh the moment i clicked into an article if spiders move around more at night or day there were SO many photos of the most big and grossest of them just. eughh im going to throw up i can't even think about it. anyway. can we. can we change that somehow. that shouldn't be allowed.
#i hate having arachnophobia because as it is so scary it is also just. very annoying.#because i KNOWW theyre not going to do anything to me (especially the ones we have in my country) but. the moment i get closer#brrhhh that wave of fear washes through me and im about to have a panic attack#FOR NO REASON TOO#HES JUST A BLACK BALL FOR ME I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY IM SCARED SO BADLY#i do actually that was a lie#sigh#very heavily considering going to my sisters or parents room to sleep tonight shhss im too scared to sleep in my own bed#(rereading this and noticing many grammatical mistakes sorry im not abt to fix all that im so tired shsh)
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Babes I don't want to get today's politics on my page too much but we are dead.
After that election we can say goodbye to our rights. Like that ship has sailed.
#i should be scared#i know#but im kinda just tired#like this is not what i expected#but this is basically what has been going on in my country for years#so while im shocked and frustrated i can't really speak on it because i live here and the situation hasnt changed#which sucks ass btw#but you can't really go down from zero#my heart goes out to all the peopleout there who will suffer from the consequences
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Is it just me or is the world going towards a WWIII
#my gay ass voicing actual concerns i have while im very tired and sad#and never when im being normal#but the amount of conflicts everywhere right now is scaring me a lot ngl#especially since one of them is like almost right next to my country
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Not a fan of how when I'm really struggling my parents get madder at me because I make little mistakes. So I forget something (that maybe I wasn't aware of) and then they get mad at me and start saying all this shitty stuff which makes me feel worse and then keep making mistakes because I'm scared of doing it again, but I focus so much on the mistake I forget everything else.
And they're aware I'm not doing well, that's obvious, they've pointed out things that are signs of these times, which they are aware of. So have they forgotten or just never cared. I mean they didn't care before so why would they now.
I hate more that I am convinced they want me dead. The rest of the world just wants to catch me when I leave the body and start again like resetting everything, but my parents, they want me gone forever, even I don't want that, I just want to go home regardless of what I have to do to get there.
I'm trying so hard to hold out this week, a promise to my sister for something we doing Saturday, but after that I can't. The more fed up they get and the more I feel under attack the less I can hold on. I'd be surprised nothing happens this week honestly.
Had an appointment earlier which, telling them everything and my concerns, is leaving me with them sending a letter in a few weeks. Well at least I wasn't outright dismissed but this isn't exactly helpful, not that I know what could be helpful in this situation.
And I'm so tired. I know I'm doing some of this on purpose, but it's like everything is heavy and the pain doesn't help. I can't say I'm surprised about the pain being worse than normal, and I at least have some stuff for the pain, but if I could just feel at ease once rather than all this fear and pain and confusion.
What I'm concerned about is none of this matters, that I'll do something anyway because I'm so fed up of my parents. I don't care how they react, except I also do because them knowing anything has also been risky.
#keeping off tumblr for a bit but still need to vent because im tired and upset#at least the appointment werent very rude even if my concerns were effectively ignored#but its still better so can i complain#if it ends then maybe ill be fine#but i can also contact someone if i am scared enough so i should maybe be safe#the worst i might do i leave the house for a while without phone or anything to help reach me - unless i have those scary things happen#but i cant cope with my parents. litterally favourite food saturday and then im out. i cant keep this going without destroying myself#when i have drowny thoughts it is scary#so that could be interesting#i could take a bus anywhere in the country too#so it wouldnt matter. i can get far enough before concern reaches#tw suicide#just in case. i cant remembwr enough od what i said :/ like im not trying to kill me im just trying to separate me from body
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religious trauma/PIMO vent again !!!
feel like ill be doing it more often now so i'll come up w a tag for it but for now #ex muslim tag (<- what im using if you wanna filter)
#everyday my mom becomes more radical and every day i get more scared and guity of having to tell her the truth someday#litterally do not care what my dad thinks aslong as he dosnt physically do anything#but seeing my mom be more and more openly homophobic as new laws permiting trans healthcare and queer education in scotland is fucking#scary man#im scared shes gonna make us move back to pakistan or smth 😭😭#and like#and all her kids are allies to (albeit in secret) so i dont want her to have noone as an old person if they take my example when i come out#and they do not know how to talk about these topic around her AT ALL (ie not at fucking all 😭😭)#she keeps mentiong how we are in 'fitna ka dohr' (time of sin) and how its all sign of the day of judgment n stuff and a tiny part of me#gets scared again. falls back into the way of thinking from before i apostated#i dont want to be afraid of hell anymore#its been 4 fucking years how much longer till i stop thinking like an indocrinated child#yall who deal w this in muslim/muslim majority countries you are so good for that#so strong#i wish none of us had to be tho#im so tired and nervous at home all the time i wish i was 18 w a job already i cant deal anymore <33!!!!!!#ex muslim#ex muslim tag#religious indoctrination#terfs dni#PIMO#vent#anyway its almost ramadan how r u guys fealing bout that 👀👀
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#im def checking out universities in other countries#im going through canada#im scared my english wont be enough gkjgjk#i just read a whole page and im TIRED#but its a great opportunity#aaa this is scary
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#sometomes it hurts a lot that im not in the right place to convert#i want to. like _want_ so bad#but im so fucking scared because im so fucking mentally ill and a part of that mental illness is about rejection#im so scared of being rejected.. fuck!#and i have no one to talk to about this#no one understands how much this hurts me#im tired constantly - i go to school and then i come home and maybe watch a lets play. that's all i can do energy wise#i don't yet have the energy to study and begin my conversion!#because that requires me talking to other people#and socialisation is so painful to me. like legit so fucking painful i feel like im dying because im so scared of being rejected#im so scared of others judging me#i want to be in a jewish space where trans and queerness is accepted#where i'm seen for my mental illness#but then there's the thing 1) i live on the swedish country side. idk if i have any practicing jews who also are lgbtq friendly here#2) my dad is a protestant priest with religious trauma. and he wants me to be a protestant so bad. and ive already disappointed him#so i don't dare to tell my parents about the want to convert#im in a religious closet and i have no one to talk to#i dont know what to do.#i feel so wrong for having thought about this for years and really wanting to! but i can't! i haven't been able to#im so SCARED of everything#i just want to have a safe space where i can approach g-d in peace . i want to feel at peace
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