#im tired and im sad and i hate myself bc i feel useless. i live off of ppl.around me

[amai-6]

to the ppl that denied me disability for the last 4 years, bc of this or that and finally w a "You're still able to work", i hope you're proud. i havent been able to get out of bed or hardly move for almost two weeks again. everyone else has to take care of me and i can't even pay them or financially support myself. its great isnt it

[bumpthis]

.

[hinamikasa]

AHHAHAHAAlifeissoawfulbye

[piratadelamor]

sometimes i wish i could move to somewhere far away from here and start a new life only to run away from the decisions i've made and the path i've chosen and to not have to deal with everyone else's disappointment

sometimes i wish i didnt have an intelectual job bc i just cant put myself to study and i hate university i hate graduating i cant stand it anymore and i feel like the dumbest person in the world and i feel like such a huge failure

all my friends are so smart and they are building big careers and they've always had this path paved for them bc they were born into intelectual families but i dont come from the same place as them and sometimes i wish i could just do a part time job on something like customer service and enjoy the rest of my life doing things i actually like for pleasure

this is so unrealistic and i hate this so much i wish i was smart i wish i could focus on studying i wish i wasnt living like im constantly trying to escape from my responsibilities all the time

i love being a teacher but im so fucking frustrated bc i will never become the teacher i wish to be if i dont study properly

i still have so many shit to do this year in order to graduate and i feel like im gonna break down so hard bc im so late to do everything i need and i dont have the energy for it i just dont have ANY motivation im tired of my life im tired of graduation i just wanna rest

i even chose the easiest way to get this degree and i cant even do shit with it like how much of a useless piece of shit can i be. im such a loser im such a big fucking loser i hate myself i really wish i could move somewhere else and get a customer service job and not have to deal with everyone else looking down on me. im tired of only having friends so much richer than me im tired of only listening to stories about things i cant accomplish im tired of seeing them and never becoming like them im tired of their success and of my failures im tired of having dreams and goals that dont belong to my own reality bc i only received an education for people who already had everything so i was only taught to dream so high and what if i dont fucking care about any of this shit? what if my happiness doesnt fit their idea of happiness? there are people i admire there are professionals that inspire me there is a kind of life i imagine i'd be happy to live but everything seems just. so so so far away from me. sometimes i wish i went to a public school as i should've gone, sometimes i wish i didnt had got that scholarship, i wish i didnt have to spend ALL MY ENTIRE LIFE feeling left out and behind and feeling like i was so much less than everyone else, i wish i didnt have to grow up thinking so poor of my own family bc it didnt have the money the stability the houses that my friend's families had, i wish i didnt have to study at a place that humiliated me daily for not being like them, i wish i had found friends that were more like me people i could identify with, i live my life always feeling like i dont belong anywhere i go and im so fucking tired of it, im never enough for these places im never enough for these people

i'll never be the person they taught me i should be they taught me i should dream of becoming

it would be great to be like that but maybe that's not my life maybe that's not something i can actually accomplish maybe that's not who i am

i really wanted to be a teacher but maybe this big elite school and maybe this big elitist city are too much for me. i'll just never be good enough

i cant work myself to be good enough

i cant pick up a fucking book and read bc im too busy trying to find sources of pleasure that cover up all the holes i have on me, bc im always so exhausted i just wanna rest and sleep, bc i fucked up my brain and i cant concentrate on anything anymore, and i fucked up my brain so bad bc i was SO. FUCKING. SAD. AND. ALONE. and i spent all my fucking time on a fucking screen

while my friends were going to theatre classes and dance classes and art classes and studying other languages and going to their beach houses and practicing sports and traveling abroad and having healthy and happy family meetings and learning the piano the guitar the violin

i love my friends but i cant fucking stand this bc all my entire life i wanted to be like them and now im 26 and well im starting to think that maybe this will never ever fucking happen

and maybe if i didnt grow up like this maybe if i didnt have such high expectations maybe if i hadnt lived with all this pressure maybe i'd be ok with working harder. bc i'd be doing it from my own standards. bc i wouldnt be constantly comparing myself to people who live in a completely different reality than mine.

i feel like i dont even have anyone i cant talk about this bc i feel like this is about everyone i could talk to and none of them would understand

im just so sad man im really really sad here. im tired of telling myself i should be grateful for that scholarship and ignore all the shit it made me feel and the way it cursed my whole fucking life but i just cant fucking escape from it

[fairycosmos]

chloe what do you do when you feel really suicidal? but like not like before- but NOW that you are grieving such a painful loss? dont need to answer but i read your a. to the anon that felt trapped and like they couldnt leave now bc their sibling died too and like you and that anon i feel the same. im so so suicidal chloe. i cry every day and night and i feel despertate but my parents just lost their child so. how do you cope... as much as its possible. what do we do? fuck.

dude i am so sorry you're in the same position as me and you are going to hate me for saying it but there is no satisfactory answer 😔 it's a cruel joke. we're in the worst pain we've ever been in, and our instinct is to want to make that stop. but we can't because now we're obligated to stay alive, where all the hurt is, because we're one of the only ones left. and we dont want to cause more of this feeling by ending it all. it's like a contract you didn't agree to and are now trapped in for the foreseeable. grief is the absolute heaviest thing a person can carry, it's a fucking nightmare. it doesn't make any sense, it doesn't have a cure and it's disorienting as fuck. it's ok to be exhausted by it. reality has been irreparably  worsened and it's an absolute tragedy,  it's completely unfair. personally i'm more suicidal than i've ever been, but like you, i know i'm not going to do anything.  and in moments of great pain, where i want to act on those thoughts, i find myself coming back to that fact. i watch the idea of suicide run its course through my head and then i acknowledge the reality of things, that i can't leave. that it doesn't matter how sad i am and how tired i am, because i'm still here, and processing these emotions is a part of that. the urge to kill myself is there, but the actual act of suicide has never been less of an option than it is right now. so i can feel whatever i need to feel, but there's no point leaning into it or daydreaming about it. because it's not going to happen. sometimes i'm screaming and crying to myself in absolute agony while this is all going on, and sometimes i'm just sitting staring at my phone, numb. the desperation is very real, and i understand that. but it is not as urgent as it feels in the moment. no matter how many times i think i'm at my limit, i know that there's going to be tomorrow. and at the moment that sounds like a really bad thing. but i know that by waking up my parents aren't getting a call saying i'm dead, which for now is kind of the whole point. i am living to minimize their trauma, i am living for them, and an optimist would have hope that that could keep me alive long enough until i get to the point where i can eventually live for myself again. i could definitely see that for your future, even if you can't. the thing is you don't have to know what to do and you dont have to look for ways to fill the void that has been left behind by your sibling. you just have to learn to exist alongside it, and i do mean just exist. as awful as it is. waking up, putting one foot in front of the other, crying and crying and crying. that is good enough. i know it doesn't feel like much of a life, but. it's the short term answer, or so it seems to me. another thing i remind myself of is how it all comes in waves. waves are the nature of both grief, and strong suicidal urges. maybe they're always running in the background, but the moments of pure despair where you feel like you're bursting at the seams, they're so strong and harsh that they flare out faster than you realize. and they feel unbearable, and i know those moments are very frequent when you're in our position, but it's good to remember that the intensity of their nature makes them temporary.  especially if the grief is fresh, every little thing triggers an avalanche of hopelessness.  but some part of me believes these experiences will either a. become less persistent with time or b. become a part of us we learn how to navigate.  at the moment, the simple act of being completely broken by these episodes means you're surviving them. i think it's not a matter of knowing how to cope, but knowing that if you're here to ask these questions - what do i do, how do i go on, etc - then that is proof you have been coping. and it probably doesn't feel like you have been. i think there's a common misconception that coping is thriving, letting go, having positive memories. and sure that's a part of it. but there is a lot of darkness and absolute horror to work through before that. additionally,  there is no rule book on how exactly to work through it. theres just time, experience, learning what works for you and hanging on. i'm trying to hold my own hand through it, i'm trying to look at the present moment i'm in and just think about what i need at that very second.  not what i'm going to do tomorrow, not what i should've done yesterday, but what i have to do right now to make it through.  a lot of the time the answer is nothing, and i just sit and stare or cry, because like i said, ultimately nothing can fix it. theres no epiphany that can change what happened. 

as far as practical things you can to do combat suicidal thoughts goes, i have a few suggestions that i really hope you consider as viable choices: talk to your doctor/therapist - idk where you live or what your financial situation is like, but if it's at all an option i would really urge you to seek professional help. at least let your GP know what you're dealing with so maybe they can refer you to a therapist, or give you some mental health resources. grief counselling is also a step in the right direction. having someone to talk to and implementing positive coping mechanisms into your day to day life, even if it's the last thing on earth you want to do, can work wonders. understanding your own suicidal thoughts, why you react the way you do and what you can do about it, can really come in handy when you're breaking down. it's ok to reach out. it's ok to visit different counsellors until you find one that fits you. it's ok to treat your emotional turmoil as seriously as you'd treat any physical disease. there is always support and treatment options available in some form, and it is always worth looking into.

call a (grief or suicide) hotline - i've had the hotline number open in my browser for days. if you are in a moment of crisis, it can absolutely help to have someone talk you through your emotions, listen to your pain, and then give you some gentle recommendations as to what you should do next or where to go from here. you don't have to tell them your name, you don't have to say anything you don't want to say. you're in control of the call and they care about keeping you going. you're not alone. theres also online grief support groups - i'm in a sibling loss group on fb.  it's absolutely crazy how many people are in this position. 

talk to your parents/family/friends - i know saying 'this is a tough one' is a giant understatement.  idk if it's the same for you, but i've been isolating to cope and i don't want to tell anyone what i'm thinking because they're already having such a hard time grieving my sister. but if there's anyone you trust, i just want you to know it's alright to lean on them. it's up to you how much you open up, but the urge to keep to yourself leads nowhere. those around you can relate (to an extent) with your grief, and sharing it, talking about memories and crying together - it's fucking awful, god it's the worst thing ever, but it's necessary. and i don't want to say it helps, but a shared burden is always better than trying to shoulder it alone. you deserve to be listened to and supported. and if you think you're being an inconvenience to your loved ones, that's your inner self hatred talking. they would likely rather be there for you when you need it, than have you harm yourself because you kept it all pent up. it's a lot easier said than done, but it's important to keep in mind that it's an option.

try to create a safe space - try to remove things from your living space you could use to harm yourself with, and make the environment as comforting as possible. refer back to safe coping mechanisms/ distractions that have worked in the past - this can be as simple as going for a walk, watching stupid shit on your phone, meditation, having a crying session, writing to your sibling or just about how you feel in general. these are not suggestions that will solve anything or cure mental illness by any stretch of the imagination.  they just get you out of your head. that can really make a difference. 

create a crisis plan and learn what triggers you - this is a bit of a process but that's alright. being able to identify what sets you off, and being able to recognize your own toxic thinking patterns/behaviours, is the first step towards combatting them. another idea is, if you do end up talking to a loved one or a mental health professional, come up with a plan with them regarding what they should do when you're suicidal and your judgement is impaired. you can even start by just making one for yourself, like writing down a few suggestions as to what you should do when you're in a crisis, what your other options besides suicide are. 

i think that's all i've got right now. i'm sorry this got so long, especially when i know nothing truly helps. i just know what it's like having all this useless life in front of you that you're going to have to fight through without the one person who always should've been there. i keep thinking about what she'd say to me if she could see me, and i know she'd be livid if i threw my life away, but. that doesn't change the fact that she didn't get to live hers, and that i miss her so so much it aches. i keep coming back to the idea that our relationship will continue to grow beyond  death. i can still talk to her, reminisce  with her, understand her, love her. so much of this reality was shaped by her. it's not the same as when she was here, but it's not total absence  either.  anyway, i'm so so sorry for your loss and i hope you can just focus on taking care of yourself, love. because your life still has so much worth and you deserve to see your own future even if you cant stand the thought. moments of happiness and peace are still 100% possible. it's just never going to feel like it did before. and it's ok if you spend the rest of your life struggling to come to terms with that fact, because at least you got to live the rest of your life. i'm sending so much love to you and i'll be here if you need a friend. one day at a time.

*no pressure to read all this you can just refer back to it whenever you feel the need

[mousehole5000]

wow i made this draft on november 1st i really took a break from this huh anyway tgcf chapters 121 - 142

i realize now this coffin scene was inevitable. feel kinda weird about hua cheng  back and forth from Teen to Big Man but it is very funny that theyre having their “dude dont look at my boner” moment while in the jaws of a water dragon

pei ming: why didnt you guys make a bigger coffin so you didnt have to squish together like that? xie lian: haha yep!! anyways what brings you here?

“In the grand, spacious centre of the entrance hall sat a person. And this person, dressed in all black, its face snow-white—was a corpse! Instantly Xie Lian shut the doors soundly.” - king of minding his own business.

okay this is where i stopped putting notes here for a while but i did save some in my e-reader so here’s some of the highlights

“Guzi used to have a good sleeping form, but perhaps with his cheap dad’s bad influence, now he was also spread out on top of Qi Rong’s stomach like a dead fish. Lang Ying himself was curled neatly in the corner, and was covered by a few shirts. Xie Lian lifted the blanket covering Qi Rong, suppressed the urge to smother his face, and covered the two small children.” - xie lian funny moments. also it would be really funny if qi rong redeems himself by learning love through these misfit chiildren and it might actually endear me to him but i hope that doesnt happen

Every heavenly official was yelling, and even Ling Wen was throwing a fit. “DON’T THROW EVERY BIT OF USELESS INFORMATION MY WAY, HOW MUCH DO YOU THINK I HAVE TO GO THROUGH EVERY DAY? DON’T YOU ALL KNOW TO USE YOUR BRAINS A LITTLE BEFORE ASKING ME?!” - ling wen marry me right now

“An expression like “seen a ghost” that only mortals experienced was now showing on his face for the first time. Shi Wudu’s pupils shrank to the smallest they could, and he blurted, “You’re still alive?!” “I’m dead!” He Xuan said coldly.” - okay everythings going tits up rn but i did laugh

i did see spoilers re: ming yi/he xuan reveal + shi wudu’s fate beforehand so i dont have a genuine reaction other than oh shit

“He slowly enunciated each word. “I won’t touch your fate. But, here in this place, chop off your brother’s head for me.”  CLANG! He threw a rusty blade onto the ground. Shi Qingxuan stared at that blade, his eyes wide. He Xuan continued, “Then, never show yourself before me again, and I will pretend you’ve never existed in this world.” - okay idk what else is going to happen but rn im concerned that this is like the 2nd biggest ship. i guess we’ll see?? i mean i am really curious whats going to happen to them. shi qingxuan keeps calling he xuan “ming-xiong” and i... sad

shi wudu im not really invested in you as a character but these next two bits... interesting

“If I don’t die but have nothing, then that’s truly a fate worse than death. If I’m not the Water God, I can’t take care of you. I won’t even be able to protect myself. I’m scared that we won’t even last two days…TAKE IT!” - damn. something about the wealthy losing everything and not knowing how to live without it bc thats their entire life and identity

“EVERYTHING I HAVE TODAY, I FOUGHT FOR MYSELF. I WILL FIGHT FOR WHAT I DON’T HAVE. I WILL CHANGE FATE I DON’T POSSESS. MY FATE IS UP TO ME AND NOT THE HEAVENS!” - okay so the whole committing spiritual fraud by tormenting a man and his family to get your brother a cushy title thing aside this was kind of badass. heretical? possibly. but still. also is he intentionally riling up he xuan so sqx doesnt have to kill him? if so damn...

also okay as long as im here im just gonna say it. the choice that he xuan gives shi qingxuan is fucking brutal but i actually think its probably as fair as it could be. sqx didnt know about or participate in what happened to hx but they did benefit from it greatly while hx lost EVERYTHING and i can understand he xuan’s thinking of “if you really feel bad for what happened to me then you have to make a sacrifice and understand the suffering and this is as clean as its going to get” and theres a bit where sqx is trying to beg for mercy but cant get the words out which im guessing is bc theres no good argument!! what happened was fucked up!!

“When Pei Ming saw that reinforcements had arrived, he didn’t appear particularly delighted; instead he threw the sword into the ground, then rubbed his nose and said, sounding grim, “You all just had to come just as I finished making these, what the heck.” - pei ming making coffins chopping down trees with his sword i love it #wastehistime2k17

“Xie Lian brought that basket of eggs along, and gave them away as souvenirs from the mortal realm. Many who received the eggs were overjoyed; some deciding to eat it along with their own blood, and some proclaiming they would hatch an eight-foot monster.” - GHOST CITY GHOST CITY

“Placing the brush down, he blew lightly at the ink and smiled. “If I like something, then my heart will not have room for any other, and I’ll always treasure it. A thousand times, a million times, no matter how many years, this will not change. This poem is the same." - thats nice and all but king... get therapy. i actually have further thoughts but tbh i dont want to put them into words bc they are simply too personal! moving on

didnt take any notes but somewhere in here was the bit with mount tong’lu opening and hua cheng losing it and kind of um. hm. that scene. thats another trope i really hate tbh i dont care for it as a way of including physical intimacy between characters and idk if it really ever adds anything but whatever moving on

The Half-Maquillage Woman - kind of interesting monster idea bc women and aging…. yeah. however i think this would be a lot stronger if there were a) more girls and this was b) discussed or illustrated at all prior to this moment. still interesting that its included knowing the author is a woman tho and there’s been comments on how ling wen is perceived vs pei ming. this book does keep giving me hope for interesting female character arcs i really want it to deliver something

quan yizhen..... i get u

lmao i have a note on a bit with lang ying that says “please dont be hc in disguise” and..... my clown nose was on but at least i knew that. for real this is bothering me how much he’s just. always. there. i know he’s a lead but we didn’t really need him around for a lot of this. oh well.  okay now to my current notes

“Yet it was precisely because it wasn’t cooked that it had to be eaten quickly. Once Xie Lian cooked it, it wouldn’t be edible anymore” - fucking fantastic

“Xie Lian hugged his belly. “Of course! Only after having met you did I rediscover that it’s such a simple thing to be happy, hahaha…” Hearing this, Hua Cheng blinked. Xie Lian’s laughter quieted a bit, realizing what he just said was a little too revealing.” - okay i know i said what i said about being tired of hua cheng being everywhere but... the line…. the fact that theyre laughing together…. :pleading:

“It’s not,” Ling Wen said. “At least, I believe, there will definitely not be another in history who can create a dish called ‘Incorruptible Chastity Meatballs’” - and truer words were never spoken

“I, DO NOT WORSHIP GODS. “I, AM GOD!” - this was every bit as badass as i hoped but no one told me it was immediately followed up by a little bit of the ol dinner theater fjalkdsfjsd. also puqi shrine noooooooooo

“Xie Lian sighed as he thought, “Qi Rong has taken Guzi away, who knows if the poor child was eaten or abandoned. Wind Master...... ..... who knows if Black Water took him away. Pray they’re both safe.” yeah hey are we going to fucknig. find out what happened to the child???

and yeah i dooooont really care for the age regression? thing thats going on. i just dont like that trope tbh. but tiny hua cheng whipping out his fat ghost king wallet in the store was funny tho. it is really funny that hualian are just like wandering around some random towns while the heavens are in an uproar. i guess theres not much else to do but its funny

“Me too, me too. You all know of my shixiong, right? Talented, with an infinite future! He only had one small vice: he loved playing women. Decades ago, a little prostitute ghost seduced my shixiong and sucked him dry into human jerky, and that Hua, Hua, Hua, that ghost king dared shelter her.” - yes omg give me the forbidden hua cheng lore i love this for him for real it goes along nicely with xie lian’s principles about giving another cup. god i love shared values

“Hua Cheng poked again, and a small hole appeared on the wall, as if the wall was made of tofu.” - how’d he do that. why is this a ghost king power. its useful tho

*me shaking qi rong when he pops up* WHERE IS THE CHILD

mu qing fu yao is here okay im happy now. once again no one has a good grasp on their secret identity and i love that. this inn has descended into chaos and im delighted and im glad lan chang is back

“The good ol’ kitchen was suddenly squished and crowded, loud and noisy. Fu Yao was chasing that fetus spirit leaping up and down, Lan Chang was chasing after Fu Yao like she had gone mad. Half of Qi Rong’s face changed shape by the way Xie Lian was pressing him down on the chopping board, his back turning into a target for those yellow talismans Fu Yao hurled while being observed by a crowd, and Lan Chang would step on him from time to time.” - this is pure chaos. i love that mu qing was in that room when the mob checked and he didnt say a word didnt open the door just sent out a talisman as a warning. king your disguise is transparent

“Xie Lian remembered the way Feng Xin laughed until he was hoarse when he first heard that verbal password all those years back, and couldn’t help but feel nostalgic, even though it wasn’t the right time.” - awwwww omg im emotional about this... faithful friend feng xin laughing at xie lian’s stupid joke password and remembering it!!! ;_;

“They have, but they’re not effective,” Feng Xin said. “Usually they’re the most diligent in scorning the Palace of Ling Wen, like they could do the job way better if they had the position. Now that we need them to take up the task, not a single one can do even half of what she does.” - typical... typical typical typical

also emotional about the fact that feng xin contacted xie lian at all.....

also!! emotional about lan chang as a mom and wanting to help out sick lil guzi.....

xie lian forcing “fu yao” to let him help “his general” is making me.... what is friendship if not playing along with your buddies little shenanigans while also making them accept your help

“Someone like Mu Qing, even though he’s narrow-minded, petty, sensitive and skeptical, has a bad personality, constantly guessing, doesn’t say nice things, likes to nag, always offending people and has a lot of people who dislike him, has no friends, can remember small, unimportant details for a long period of time…” ”Xie Lian went on in one breath with a straight face, but in the end he concluded with, “...But I’ve known him since we were kids, after all, he’s still got principles.” - XIE LIAN PLEASE AFJDLKSFJDL omg ive seen this quote before but i figured he was talking to someone else not actually to mu qing himself fgjasdkfjsl. god thats amazing. hey im gonna help you out because i care but i will roast you first <3

waaaaaait so is lan chang aka jian lan that girl from book 2 we took a page to talk about and then disappeared? that has to be it why else would we have stopped to discuss her

“Jian Lan spat on his face, then choking his neck, she slapped him twice again. “WHAT SHITTY SUPREME! YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO BLOW YOURSELF UP! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, THINK YOU’RE EVEN WORTH TO BE THOUGHT OF AS EQUALS WITH THE OTHER THREE SUPREMES? WHAT ARE YOU EVEN GOOD AT? YOUR THICK SKIN? OF COURSE I DARE HIT YOU!” - oh this feels so good i cant lie. YES GET HIM!! CHOMPING AND VIOLENCE YES!!!!

okay this description of cuocuo.... im... that sure the hell is a creature

this book is so entertaining bc i already saw spoilers for the feng xin/jian lan/cuo cuo reveal and yet i could never have predicted the circumstances that brought it about. imagine being feng xin. the heavens are in an uproar and your only friend/enemy has been jailed for possible fetus spirit-related crimes but he escapes along with this female ghost who keeps causing problems. you figure “fuck it lets see if dianxia kept his old phone number” and he has but then he hangs up on you. you’ve got fuckall else to do so you go find him. mu qing is there but he’s in his disguise the two of you were using so you could watch over his highness while staying aloof. you think you see hua cheng only he’s a chiild for some goddamn reason but who knows at this point. the female ghost is also there and theres a fetus spirit climbing trees and biting your arrows in half. you realize the female ghost is your ex and the little demon is your son. it bites you. what do you do

amazing that despite everything going on everyone is still playing along with the “fu yao” persona when it would probably be easier to drop pretenses at this point. then again tbh if i could explain my actions to my friends while pretending to be a third party.... i probably would so.. carry on

“With all his devotees gone, only Feng Xin still treated him like the Flower-Crowned Martial God and His Highness the Crown Prince. ” “...his protection charms were all seen as trash. However, Feng Xin was still determined and tireless in handing them out; telling Xie Lian, look, you still have devotees.” “After all, he was the darling of the heavens since birth, high and mighty. Feng Xin so naturally spun around him like he was the world, so how could he possibly have his own life, his own heart” “Whether or not that fetus spirit was Feng Xin’s son, if it was that period of poverty that made Feng Xin lose the girl he loved, Xie Lian wouldn’t be able to forgive himself no matter what." ohhhh my god this relationship i. im...

oh my god i still have 30 more chapters until book 4............ its naptime now i think

[juni-ravenhall]

personal bad feelings dont read if sensitive

im doing really badly lately

i keep waiting for the new counsellor to call me (its been a month since she said she would call next week aka 3 weeks ago, and yes i have messaged the clinic and they said they would tell the counsellor, then nothing)

i feel like shit in my body (i have body dysmorphic disorder since i can remember and just hate my body and face immensely for being fat and ugly and dont want to live in this body and aside from that my body is also sick from being fat and unhealthy which makes me even less want to be in this body but i have zero energy to take care of it) (all my energy goes to not killing myself every day aka all my energy goes to try to cope with my mental illness and hopelessness about ever being able to live life) 

i feel really extremely sad and upset about everything about living this awful life and having no possibilities and chances due to my mental illness due to being abused for my whole life and nobody helping me and even when ive been trying to get professional help for YEARS i still havent gotten help and they keep lying and changing their mind instead of helping me and i wonder how many people just like me, kill themselves because of this healthcare system being their last chance to survive and then it doesnt help 

i cant trust anyone of my “”””””family””””””” or “”””””relatives”””””””””” (i renounce all of them they are not mine) and i dont have any other friends than my gf (who is in israel and we’ve never met irl but we voicecall every day and video call etc) and you guys on ssoblr and i cant trust any doctors or counsellors because they keep not helping or victimblaming me or just leaving me hanging as if i will be fine on my own when i tell them over and over that im suicidal and that ive been trying to get help for years because i dont know how much longer i can go on

im physically sick but im too scared to go to the doctor about anything whatsoever until im vaccinated because people are FUCKING USELESS DISGUSTING WORMS FOR NOT BEING CAREFUL ABOUT CORONA aka not isolating and not wearing masks and not social distancing and therefore im TERRIFIED of going to clinics and hospitals until im vaccinated so i just have to handle no matter how sick i am (while hoping to not die from it) until i can get vaccinated (the reason im esp scared of corona is bc im fat = higher risk of severe symptoms and death)

(“why are you scared of dying if youre suicidal” because i try to not kill myself every day and im terrified of killing myself i just cant handle being alive and i dont know how much longer i can handle it, also if i was sick with corona and needed to be hospitalised (again due to being fat etc higher risk) there is no saying whether i would just feel that this is too much and i will just give up, and if you think “why are you scared of dying if youre suicidal” in general youre uneducated so shut up)

i feel extremely sad and extremely bad and im sick and im scared and im really struggling to handle being alive right now and ive tried to get professional help for years but they dont help me, and i cant go to the emergency or anything when i feel extra bad because of corona (because of people being useless worms who refuse to take precautions) 

i really dont want to be awake beacuse every moment being awake i have to handle being alive when i feel like i cant, but when i sleep i always always always have nightmares for my whole life and either way i cant sleep when im not sleepy so it doesnt matter even if i chose the nightmares i dont have the ability to choose to sleep more than i already do

i keep thinking about starving myself (ive had eating disorders for large parts of my life) because of the dysmorphic disorder and suicidal feelings and every day i just think about staying in bed and not eating anything and just wilting away and at least i would be skinnier before i die

i tried to cook healthy food (which i did for years before) and i got so tired from cooking for 1 hour that i didnt have energy to eat anything when i was done cooking and just gave up and left everything on the stove and went back to lay down

i dont have any energy and no motivation and everything feels hopeless and i feel extremely sad and alone aside from my gf but she is far away and its a long time until we can be together

[cirilee]

i just found a text my browser had saved on a word count website, and i apparently typed it last november while being sad - i just wanna have a place to post it, and it explains why i was gone for most of may through november last year.

if you’re interested, u can read, it’s basically just a long long long vent and i wanna save it somewhere :’)

(and if you wanna, you can tell me what u think of the whole thing, maybe share if something like that happened to you too, because man, this whole thing was WEIRD for me)

bottom line is: i’m much better now and have way better friends then back then and in general, i’m a pretty happy person again^^

My parents and me had been fighting a lot the past years. I still love them. For a while though, it was just shouting matches between us. We weren't really speaking to each other throughout january 2019 until april 2019, so i wasn't informed by them that they were planning to mOVE OUT. And the place they wanted to move to only had enough space for 2 people. now my brother and me had 3 months total to find and finance our own flats. i was desperate. 2 months i unsuccessfully searched for a job or a flat or a way to make a deposit for said flat, without any saved up money. an old school friend offered to move out together. i only saw him once every month for group activities. he was nice, but we also had a bit of a history. 3 years ago he had acted kinda scummy and tried to get me to be his girlfriend because "he couldnt find anybody else” - ending in a "movie night with friends" that turned out to be a trap, where the only one spending the night was me because he only invited me. creepy. he apologized and i forgave him and we were chill and it was normal between us. i realize now, that i should have just left him out of my life at that point. but time was running out, so i gave in and asked myself "whats the worst he could do. i’ve known this person for 12 years and the he's part of my friend group" we set up basic rules, how we would pay for stuff, etc. .. we moved in. it seemed fine. then i noticed that he talked A LOT. and he wanted A LOT of attention. after a day of working on my diploma or working at my job, he would assert himself in my room and try to engage in smalltalk. i am not the hermit type. i engaged with him, i joined in on his conversation. but when i was already tired he wouldn't accept "i'm gonna go to sleep". there was always something else he needed to talk about. I was trying to make clear to him that i needed alone time too, but no matter how honest i was, the message either didn't seem to stick, or he'd get upset and start asking me if i hated him. With that, i could have kept up with in the long run. Then he started knocking on my door. even when it was already late and i already told him i was gonna go to sleep. Repeatedly knocking on my door. At some point he just opened the door. It was 1am. I pretended to sleep. I could hear him breathing, it sounded angry. He eventually closed the door. The next morning i confronted him. He argued it away as him trying to warn me that he was going to take a shower, so that i wouldn't use the bathroom. He started commenting on how i wasn't funny enough around him. in that friend group, i'm the funny one :c. but i cant keep up that energy 24/7 (this was supposed to be a home, not a free neverending standup act, for this one guy). that confused him. the next day he asked me if i had depression. My parents had given me a griller/toaster as a parting gift (there’s a backstory for that too but anyways) my flatmate ALSO had that same toaster. He demanded we make up our minds which one to keep. i didn't understand why this was important to him and i hated discussing this useless topic with him so i stored the toaster in my room. He repeatedly suggested i throw mine away (?). One evening i got hungry and decided i'd make myself a toast in my room. So i made some toast. Suddenly he bursts in. And he starts ranting. "why are you doing this are you CRAZY you cant TOAST in your own room thats DANGEROUS you're gonna start a fire, don't ever do that again, we have a KITCHEN for that. why don't you want to use the kitchen you cant just HIDE from me every day, this is OUR flat  and i want us to live TOGETHER!" He didn't stop talking and it overwhelmed me, so (this is embarrassing, but) i actually started crying and i turned away from him so i could try to control myself. and he just started babytalking me "awww its alright i didn't mean to scare you, but you see, you shouldn't have done that". he tried putting his arms around me, i told him to stop. "you need a hug right now" ...... i was so angry i think my brain might have short circuited because the next hour was me just acting the whole way through. i told him everything he wanted to hear. i was so sorry for almost burning the house down and made up some explanation that my parents were still making me sad, so i needed distance. The next big thing involved one of my best friends. she wanted to spontaneously go out for an evening. so i put on some pants and of course: HE appears in my room, asking where i'm going. i was surprised by the question and just answered "going out with Lina" he left it at that. then suddenly: "can i come too?" He threw me off with that question. Lina had said she needed some advice on personal stuff, so I said "no" because i didn't have a better answer. he got ANGRY. i explained. "Lina wants some privacy, i'm sorry" He starts arguing that Lina is just as much his best friend, and that he should be allowed to hear what she wants to say to me. Before i can reply he slams his door shut. "Don't even try to explain yourself", he says. I told my friend while meeting up with her and she began with the sympathetic "you should have said yes" and we argued about it and then she came out with this absolutely horrifying sentence: "you know how he is. you cant be *too* honest with him. he's sensitive. you need to lie to him so he doesn't get mad" it was as if i'd been splashed with cold water. i said i didn't agree with that. that that was actually unfair to HIM. nobody likes being lied to and treated less than. she called him, told him i was gonna apologize and he showed up with the angriest expression i ever saw in his face. he accused me of being depressed and that he now has the burden of my mental issues to bear. This he assumed because one night i told him about me dissassociating sometimes a few years ago. Then he wanted me to promise i would never leave him, because he's afraid i won't be able to pay my part of the rent. the crowning moment was my friend Lina mostly agreeing with him and both of them berating me for not having my life together because i still hadn't managed to find an open-ended contract job, only limited-time jobs. at the end he justified himself by saying he cant stand my parents phoning me. (at that point they had started calling me everyday and showed genuine concern ... i was trying to reform a bond with them) - apparently he resented that. he knew about my parents disciplining me with face slaps as a kid (when i was 9-11 yrs old) (they feel bad about it, and they they stopped doing it fairly early) in that moment my flatmate chose to tell me ..... (hoo boy i need to get ready to type this) .... "i'm concerned about you. if your father would ever beat you, i would beat him  to a bloody pulp" then he repeated "i would beat him/kill him" a few times, VERY agitatedly. it was scary and at that point i was numb. i didn't really respond, i just said "its fine" or something to that extent. the  thing that made me decide to move out (although certainly among many that followed that night) was this: one morning i informed him i was going to visit my parents that weekend. we had started talking again (as i mentioned before and i wanted to meet them without fighting for once). he says "but you're coming back, right". i say "of course don't be so nervous". i go to work. i get a LOT OF texts from him suddenly. i skim through it. he's mad about me calling him "nervous". i don't reply/read bc i am at work. Then he actually CALLS me. i don't pick up.  now i'm thinking: What is so  important, that he has to call me during work.  there's a 4 paragraph essay in my inbox. "watch your mouth", "you have no right to speak that way to me", "you should have more respect". he was mad i called him nervous. i responded that i don't have time to reply. he argued back. at one point i said "if i cant even call you nervous then i'm ACTUALLY gonna stay with my parents" he fiNALLY didn't reply to that. after a 10hour day i come home. i wanna shower. i go to my room, close the door and start undressing myself. of course, there's knocking on my door. i say "No" he flips out. i calmly tell him i'm only half dressed. he flips out even more, says i'm a horrible person who WANTS to fight because my "no" wasn't a good enough answer and i should have explained in full detail why he couldn't get in. he was actually SERIOUS. this was his reasoning for flipping out. he goes away. not even a minute passes by and he hammers his fist against my door again. "OPEN UP THIS TIME I *HAVE* TO COME IN" at this point i'm beginning to get kinda scared  so i say "come in" He comes in and says he needs me to disconnect with the wifi because he needs it for his work. i calmly say "ok" and disconnect my wifi. he goes away, leaves the door open. i stand up to go and close my door. HE ACTUALLY GOES AND PULLS AGAINST ME TO TRY TO PRY IT OPEN AGAIN. eventually he lets go and then he flips out FOR REAL. he starts screaming about how i'm a psycho, and that im crazy and awful and he has been nothing but nice and that he "saved" me and i haven't been thankful enough.

.... ..

yes, i was in a difficult position. but that flatmate arrangement was made on even ground. he had wanted to move out from his parents for years. i fled and left. called my parents, but they were miles away and laughed it off. i would have probably too. i called my friends. Lina offered to come and mediate. He continued screaming even with Lina there. It culminated with him roaring at me, pointing at the door saying "if you don't like how i treat you, there's the door, leave right now" with lina replying "don't say that, you NEED her money to pay rent!" it was awful, and an eye-opener. the next day, on the way to work, i decided i was gonna move out. and before i could tell him, i get a message from him (!). An ultimatum. he tells me i have 3 options. 1) leave immediately and take my stuff away within a week. i wouldn't have "pay any more than i've already payed" (it was the first day of that month and i had already payed my rent. nice) 2) stay for half a year, but immediately pay him something so that he knows i'll stay 3) stay indefinitely, but set up a " bevahiour contract" with him, so this "never happens again" i told him i'd take option 1 and then i stayed over at a friends house. then at a friends shared appartement. then at dormitary and soon i'm gonna move in with my younger brother. we've been estranged a bit but grown closer through this whole thing. now Lina and him are still friends and lina blames me for "everyone in our friend group" being mad at him. one of her first concerns, was that her birthday parties are gonna be weird now. i am completely done with her as well and don't want her in my life anymore. according to her, I left him with a rent he cant pay  and i should feel bad for that. except i dont. should i though?

[aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaoldretired]

some p!g-drv3 theories (spoilers obvi)

First of all I think people demonize the pg versions wayyy too much because its a good way to be le sexy in like fanfictions. And i get it, villains are hot or whatever. and also hs is a horny age to be. But even the edgiest and horniest of teens aren’t like. that sexual/monstrous. its kind of insane the portrayals people are placing

maybe this could also be like me being older bc when i was early hs i was like yea its fair to place these super mature portrayals on a 18-22 year old they are like adults but young and now im that age and im like woah there pardner. might be an age/maturity thing. 

also like its normal for people to relate to and portray characters their same age in a similar fashion, but when adults write more sexual content about the dg kids i get hella fucking sus

idk where i was going with that first comment i guess its like a preface and in the end i think its important when characters especially teenage characters are morally grey not because they’re mature and dark/brooding but because they are still young and learning. fuck im older than like most of them, but im still young and learning. its good to be in turmoil and confused, especially the drv3 cast. they are more confused than anything.

which i think is a reason why people would join dr because if you are completely loss and in turmoil, it is appealing to be given a purpose in life and amazing talents/abilities. despite the morals of danganronpa, it is a simple reality to be told who you are and what to do

OK ONTO HEADCANONS (not doing all bc i dont have thoughts about all)

first of all i understand changing stories but i think, deep down, you can’t change fundamental personalities/values. so while the backstories might be different i think, in the end, a baseline is always the same

SHUICHI being a Bad Boy is like canon obviously but i dont think he’s as manipulative as people make him out to be. i think he falls in the more the bully role that like. mae borowski or tf2′s scout filled before they grew up. rough background, bad anger issues, lots of emotional turmoil, and the only way he knows how to deal with shit is by committing crimes and beating the shit out of people. and, similar to those characters, drv3 represents an older, more emotionally sober yet equally confused version of himself. the urges are still there as foreshadowed in the dialogue. i think he struggles with guilt, mostly survivors, but there is still a lasting impact of guilt of what he did in his past, even if he can’t remember.

KOKICHI is a child. a piece of shit motherfucker child but a child. I really do think he’s like one of the youngest people in the cast. he reminds me a lot of when my brother doesn’t take his adhd medicine and takes jokes way too far and does mean and cruel things because he thinks its funny and that its just a fun joke, but is hurting people. he desperately wants approval, which is why his leader role is so interesting because in the dr narrative he has the approval he craves and so he is satisfied. still, he does try to impress characters like rantaro and values his opinions a lot, even developing a brotherly relationship in the time they knew each other. this being said, its established kokichi was bullied before, but i dont think he’s like. the wimp people make him out to be. i think he’s more of like the class clown who desperately uses humor to make people like him, and ends up resorting to be the butt of most of his jokes. you don’t just develop a good sense of humor out of a brainwash, and that’s not something you can program in. i think that was a remnant of before, and he’s so good at bullying people and coming up with roasts - i just think that in p!g the roasts were about him.

KAEDE is baby but her p!g personality seriously reminds me of any ~quirky/edgy~ girl in a teen coming of age story who tries to be edgy and cool and act like she doesn’t care but deep down, she really does. if she didn’t have an empathetic personality, she wouldn’t want to end the game. i also think she has that self-identifying QuIrKy personality because its like she lives in her own narrative, practically announcing this story is about her and she is the protagonist. i know i used to self narrate like that and distinguish how i was different when i was like. 15-16. she has a tumblr. 

I really like the theory where KAITO is a make-a-wish kid who was better when he was younger but relapses later in teens. he never used his wish before, so he decides to use it now to be on danganronpa and become the hero he always wanted to be. i also think he might have joined as a way to raise awareness about adolescent healthcare. definitely the type who puts on a “heroic” character to make everyone else feel better about the fact he is literally dying of a terminal illness, and keeps that act up till the end. 

i think KOREKIYO is still a serial killer. i think honestly a reason why he mightve auditioned for danganronpa is because he is a serial killer. maybe his sister found out and he felt so much shame that’s why he auditioned. he probably mentioned why in his interview because duh, tell them im a serial killer and then only reason im coming clean is my sister found out and im ashamed, that is like a guarantee to get on the show.  i LOVE the theory that his sister is still alive, however, and has to watch her brother go insane because they wrote her into the story as the villain. because technically, she brought on this guilt, and is the reason why he auditioned - as a way to cause despair, twist it around so she’s the one to blame for his insanity. also, because its pretty accepted DR members become celebrities, kork’s sister is totally bombarded with paparazzi and is demonized in the media. she might end up writing a tell-all memoir about kork’s actual childhood and personality. quiet kid, thoughtful, interested in anthropology, she never thought he’d hurt a fly. watching her brother go insane probably destroyed her. 

I also think, timeline wise, kork is probably one of the oldest members along with rantaro. tbh i think kork actually graduated hs and went on a gap year doing the whole “hitchhike around the world to discover myself thing” which is where he began killing people. he was getting ready to go to college when his sister found out about what he did. this is when he decided to go on danganronpa instead of university. this would help explain why he knows so much about other cultures/travel/been so many places with so many memories/killed/is knowledgable on a level most other students are not. this would place him at like, 20-21, where everyone else is like 15-18.

ok so there’s two p!g RANTARO, p!g before 53 and p!p!g before 52. i’d like to establish now i think rantaro is the oldest of the characters, seeing as though he was already pretty old to begin with in 52, it takes time between television seasons, and he was in another game. so im placing him like 21-23, similar to yasuhiro in d1 being so much older than everyone else. i do think, in all iterations, rantaro was pretty much raising his sisters, though i don’t think he had twelve like the story (i think that’s an exaggeration, his sisters mean a lot to him, lets make him have a TON and then lose them all and feel GUILTY) rantaro joined the first game, partially to get money for his family and hopefully establish them as celebrities and let them have a comfy lifestyle, even if he doesn’t live...and also to finally ahve some sort of experience without his siblings tagging along. if he’s been raising his sisters all his life, he’s never had like something that’s JUST his. that’s his adventure. 52 is his ULTIMATE adventure. ahaha. mostly for money, kind of dreading it, still a tiny bit excited

ok p!g rantaro between 52 and 53 probably came back broken. he did the signings and appearances, but mostly wanted to spend time with his family and make sure they were set up. i think he knew the whole like few months between seasons he had to go on another show, but he did’t tell his sisters. his family found out when they saw a billboard with his face plastered on it hyping up the return of a fan favorite. yikes!

ok i get it a lot of people hate HIMIKO but i think she’s not nearly as similar as other “useless” characters in other games. its like, pretty clear she’s depressed, and the only thing she’s holding onto with dear life is magic. lack of hygiene, lack of personal care, constantly tired, social interaction exhausts - she has depression, but she’s not an UWU depressed character. so people find her depressive traits (which are some of the most realistic portrayals of mental health in the series) SUPER annoygin. she joined dr because she was completely lost and needed some sort of direction in her life, even if she’ll die for it. the thing is, even with direction, her mental state didn’t change because she wasn’t getting legitimate help. it’s like that one SNL skit that’s like. same sad you from before but in a new place. i also think she knows the magic is not real, because how could she not. i think she’s so adamant that it IS real, less as a way to convince others, and more of a way to convince herself. it’s like really super cruel that team danganronpa took a girl who is desperate for meaning and gave her literally a meaningless, fake talent.

i also kin himiko and find her a comfort character because i feel seen by her, replacing her useless talent of magic with mine of like shitty film making and comedy. i am seen.

related i don’t think she’s nearly as ugly as everyone says she is, i think she’s probably just depressed and takes absolutely no care of her hygiene and sleep and looks like sick and greasy all the time. same queen.

honest to god i think RYOMA’s backstory, tennis and all, is like 100% real and he’s the only one who keeps all of his memories except for the fact this is a tv show. i think he rolled up, a hot fucking mess, and the danganronpa team were like damn. we cannot improve upon this. 

[lilytcyip]

December 31st, 2019

1.3 tera v w/ rjin & ggao

1.4 cactus & la foret w/ jng

1.8 talked it out with jng ; tried to understand that if i were happy, what more could you ask for

1.11 cyns bday dinner

1.11 craft beer w/ aleung & lwong

1.13 arisu & standing egg with efeng & aleung ; drove on highway for the first time

1.18 west dineout w/ annie pkp

1.19 glass w/ fifi

2.10 first snow of the year

2.3 cny lunch at home with the fam - tong yuen & poon choi

2.4 mooseknuckles - grateful

2.5 lunar new year

2.16 hangiout with mamayip & sis: beta 5, fixing the parka, meetfresh, miku sushi dindin

2.17 mom leaving for 2 months, wandering earth with the yips

2.19 happy hour cactus w/ fifi

2.20 kokoro lunch & shopping w/ rjin

2.20 so hyang w/ veda & nwu

2.21 black been noodles & tonkatsu lunch & usagi matcha sweets w/ ewong

2.22 green leaf sushi & grounds for coffee w/ vtan

2.25 sushi mura w/ acao ; larry berg planes and kisses for the first time

3.13 mental health talk w/ nwu & tchiu + jamjar

3.15 virtuous pie & nanas green tea w/ rjin

3.16 wine night w/ claw, aleung & fsyal

3.17 tabom & stanely park w/ jerpilla

3.23 pool & rc shopping with jyang

4.3 studying with jyang on campus & langara bye

4.9 studying with jyang at my house

4.18 ramen danbo & official date 

4.20 so hyang & off the grid waffles w/ ayip

4.26 sci ning off w/ aleung, claw, fsyal, lwong & mcheung

4.27 clay llama terra pot class

4.29 so hyang budae jjigae & yifang w/ ewong

4.30 rc shopping & sushi lover with the yips 

5.1 maenam, kits beach & rain or shiine ice cream w/ rjin

5.2 our first little tiff & being called chubby by mlo

5.3 shopping w/ vchan, aleung & fsyal

5.7-5.11 LA trip

5.8 LACMA & melrose & century city field

5.9 warner bros tour

5.10 malibu

5.28-6.1 hokkaido, japan

5.29 a 2-floor hotel with own onsen

5.31 otaru food adventures

6.1 doraemon painting & royce airport

6.2 macau: got scammed by taxi & lost luggage

6.7-6.15 inner mongolia & beijing

6.18 first co op offer 

6.21 fire port party at fifis house

6.29 pottery painting w lwong, aleung, vchan, fsyal

7.5 brunch w/ rjin at jethro’s fine grub, baker & table

7.6 nwu’s birthday dindin at coast, hangout with aleung & nwu at nightingale

7.14 leavenworth cherries

7.17 brunch w/ rjin at OEB

7.19 nightmarket w/ jyang, mlaw, rjin

7.21 beach day w/ aleung, fsyal & lwong; hy’s with fam

7.24 chau veggies w/ acao

7.27 shiok & icy bar w/ ewong

8.3 first day of work at doctors office

8.4 escape room w/ vchan, fsyal & jyang; bowling & anh and chi

8.17 dindin w/ fsyal, aleung & tlim; double date walks at olympic village with ancas

8.18 - 8.19 kelowna

8.18 polar grove & penticton lazy river, mission hill

8.19 kayaking, quail’s gate

8.24 lit night at fifis house with the girls and boys

8.25 aleung’s bday harrison trip

8.27 work shopping & nuba w/ fsyal

8.28 sleepover w/ rjin

8.29 brunch w/ aleung, moii cafe chill with fsyal too

9.3 first day of co op work

9.7 grave of the fireflies & wildtale cuddles

9.14 eric chou meet & greet

9.19 amandarachlee neg comment and posted my encouragement on her story

10.5 maiko parfait & shopping w/ jyang, earls with the amigos

10.18 gmen & oncecake: melody, rillakuma, card & collage

10.24 dark table w/ rjin

11.7 moii after work 

12.15 baking custard souffle pancakes w/ ewong

12.18 office christmas party & bbt w/ slim

12.19 glow

12.21 fifi’s christmas party

12.22 christmas market w/ rjin: churros & chimney cake

12.23 psyc team secret santa & mahjong

12.25 christmas dindin at market by jean-georges

12.26 birthday dindin at zeferelli

12.27 ring & birthday dinner at brix and mortar w/ jyang

12.28 skated alone, worked out, baked & dindin at botanist

looking back at it now, i definitely went out a lot more compared to previous years LOL i had some struggles in january, and at multiple points in my life i blamed myself for being ungrateful, for seeking more when i already had so much in life compared to other people. my friends were there for me and i wouldnt have been able to live through it without them. then again, during reading break in february, i got myself into the same hot mess and i was sad about it for a week and i blamed myself for getting so attached so quickly. because of these experiences, my expectations were v low and i didnt really expect anything when i talked to jyang, what they say really is true, you get it the moment you stop seeking for it. it comes and find you (: the 3 most important that happened this year is burbur, co op job & me getting more comfortable around doggs; this is a big deal !! i actually like cuddling dogs and i feel less scared of them as long as i have some time to get used to them!! im proud of myself for making progress with my phobia! after i started my co op job, bc i didnt have a lot to do, i felt like i wasnt actively contributing to my workplace and that i was very useless. i still feel the same way now, but i think i am slowly getting used to it. thankfully, my coworkers are VERY nice and i enjoy working around them. while i did not get a different position for january, im still grateful that i got an extended placement. nonetheless, meeting with the different PIs and sumeet pointed me in the right direction of looking for nserc / volunteering opportunities when i do go back to school. AND ofc burbur! im grateful that we were able to be there for each other for the past 8 months, both the ups and downs and i am so so thankful that we’re understanding and patient with each other, as we help each other learn along the way and help each other become a better version of ourselves. this companionship is better than i have asked for and i always remind myself to focus on the important things rather than the minor inconveniences. this year, in terms of fitness goals, ive been doing really well before asia. but ever since i came back, it all went downhill and i gained back all the weight that i lost this year year LOL so in 2020, one of my biggest goal is to eat healthy again, and workout more consistently. getting a job in sept kinda interfered with my progress too, bc i was so tired after work, even when i wasnt doing anything and i stressed eat bc i felt terrible. a lot of diff factors made me feel super stressed, and the fact that i wasnt eating clean / exercising reguarly made me feel worse about the whole situation ): so in 2020, maintaining a healthy lifestyle will be one of my top priorities and gifting myself a healthy body is one of greatest things i can do for myself. this also contributed to the lack of journalling near the end of the year, it felt like bc i wasnt doing the things i was “supposed to do”, i just felt so bad whenever i couldnt tick off that particular habit whenever i fill in my trackers. but tonight, i watched this video and it talked about habits should be for awareness, not for self-hate or self-loathing. this is something that i need to keep in mind. ever since april really, the issue of leaving my house and meeting up with my friends have always stressed me in fear of dealing with passive aggressiveness with my mom lool everytime i get inviited to plans, i just get anxiety about having to tell her about it LOL and even when im out, having a msg/ call for her freaks me out in fear that she will get mad at me for being home late and etc and fifi really woke me up with her words, i should just care less LOL i need to stop caring so much about what she thinks, bc at the end of the day, this IS my life and if i never make any changes, i will never be able to grow and be independent. i think this pree much sums up all my events and emotions in 2019, the last year of the 2010s. in the next decade, a lot of things will happen as i will be in my 20s - 30s, where new opportunities will arise, and graduate uni, do my masters, find a job, maybe even marry and move out LOL the 2020s will definitely be an impt decade, but just for next year i want to:

1. understand that i am old enough to make choices, and in general, care less about what she thinks

2. at the same time, i want to appreciate and be grateful for what my mom, dad and annie have done for me; a lot of the times, i feel like i take them for granted just bc i know they will always be there for me and this is not how you should treat your biggest supporters

3. trust that everything will workout in the end, while you may not be able to envision what you career / life would be like when youre 30, you can definitely take small steps and move towards your goal

4. be mindful of what i eat and exercise regularly (4x hiit & cardio a week) ; treats & sweets in moderation; use those habit trackers for awareness, not for self-loathing / self-hate

5. create art regularly, read more and at least do 5 duolingos every week! 

every year, time just seems to go by faster and faster and i feel scared at times. as i type this, theres only 8 minutes left of this decade LOL so in 2020, continue to live in the moment, be present, cherish those that are around you, and have faith that everything will come together, one piece at a time. at the same time, always rmb that you can make small changes to be a better version of yourself, whenever & however you want and this is the 1 thing that other people can’t stop you from doing! 

[ultrachuupiee]

29 march 2021

god I'm so sick and tired of all this i just want to fucking disappear i hate school so fucking much stop trying to get into my personal life like this bitch leave me alone. get a fucking life instead of bullying your students and making them feel like shit. my hatred towards my school is getting so big i think i might just throw up. ngl school makes me so suicidal and i already have a pretty shit lifestyle so thanks for adding reasons to my nonexistent list of reasons why i should k!ll myself..god i really hate this school i really wanna move but my parents fucking re-enrolled me in this garbage ass ghetto ass school like THEYRE FUCKING USELESS..the money we pay for the school they dont even use for the fucking school, instead use it for the fucking roads or something. this school is so evil they dont give two fucks about our mental health its so sickening. the guidance councelor isnt even a fucking licenced councelor. just some random old white woman. pls this is bullshit. they dont take us seriously until someone attempts again then when the law gets involved THEN they take shit seriously like they’re so fake. they only care about their reputation. its so fucked up because we have so many fucking rules and so many of the higher punishable rules are “disrupting school’s image” or some shit like your fucking school is already so fucking bad lmfao nobody wants to fucking be here the fuck. stop acting special. these white women acting like they know how asian/arab households work and be like “ask nicely” or something like BITCHES GETTING ABUSED IN THEIR HOUSEHOLDS OUT HERE THE FUCK??? they grew up in such loving households that they literally have no idea how our lives work. then stop acting and butting in as if you know everything and want to talk to our parents 24/7 like bitch our parents dont even like yall but keep up with yall ONLY because of me. stop making me look bad infront of my parents. in fact this school fucking lied to my parents so fucking much its insane they’re using our weakness against us which is including our fucking parents like bitch stop??? JUST FUCKING STOP?? they’re lucky su!c!de is prohibited in my religion if it wasnt i would’ve been gone so long ago. but bc it is i aint doing shit i dont want to fucking go to hell bitch or else i’m seeing them there & thats the LAST PLACE EVER i’d want to see them. i just cant wait to move out bruv and graduate. this school brought nothing but pure trauma and su!c!dal thoughts in my life and genuinly made my life 50 times worse :) no joke i’ve never been this sad about school but here we are, all “thriving” anyway my birthday is next week your girl is turning 16 NAURRRR cant believe i have to face life im not readyyyy 

[gayspock]

dont rb, dont rply

m just really sad bc im rlly halfway into my degree and its just hitting me and i still have no friends and i m still failing and im so scared because i have nowhere to go after this is all over i have nowhere to go whatsoever im going to end up failing and i dont care bc i fucking suck at it but this is also literally like. ... like this is the only place tht i could go to, the only uni tht would take me and the only course, and i have nowhere else to go bc i just cant do anything else but i cant even do this like. i dont belong here so. obviously but i dont belong fuckin anywhere man im just terrified im just going to end up alone and i cant. i cant work im such a fucking mess i cant evenget up most days and i cant... do anythin. im just going t be stuck with all this debt and without anywhere to lvie and i just. bro what am i going to fuckin do man i jsut it was such a waste of time just delaying the inevitable . like every year tht passes im just filled with more regret like why DIDNT i kill myself at 18, at 16, at 14, at 12, at 9 at whatever liek . why did i keep ... thinkin i could outrun everythin like.... i dont know. i hate bein dramatic. but  it just feels like. a fucking lifetime of shit tht just never fuckin goes away man ... im still cryin abt half the same shit i was when i was 9.   im still so so fucking scared of my parents . like im still life terrified of my dad & i keep having nightmares abt him & he lives hundreds of miles away.  i still dont have friends - i still just keep finding myself useless and on the fringes of everything, at the butt of every single goddamn joke when im with people,  and just every single fucking night for years ive just... ended up crying alone in the dark .... and i still jsut. suck at everythin g. like theres still just been ntohin tht jsut . like i just want to feel GOOD for once, happy or proud of myself for once but i just. consistently fucking humiliate myself, embarass myself, and prove myself to be a disappointment and a let down to everyone and its just..... .  the stupi d fantasies cant help u at a certain point any more man. losing urself in a possible future where maybe its okay and just constantly being told it gets better ... like ggggod . im so so tired and im so tired of having to sustain myself off of tht. of it just being so worthless no matter what u do or how hard u try and ebing told tht ur so young you have worth . and it just comes out the mouths of ppl who dont know u, of strange fuckin proffessionals or strangers who dont know you and its just... i dont know im getting older and i jsut feel like ive missed out on so many years bc i cant manage any of it i cant cope and im getting worse and worse and theres nothing making it better. and i cant sustain myself on the .. stupid hollow empty shit im not strong at all im a fucking . BITCH frankly and i just dont want to fight like tht man i just want to be okay in some capacity even if i was just fucked up as hell still but jsut. at least had some ... something.... anything  but i dont and i cant. i cant get a grasp on anything even when i try and i jsut. im just so fucking inadequate man at everything and    like thts the thing right thats he thing there has to actually be something to make it worthwhile, to start change but it jsut... i can try alli want im just fuckin useless man. i dont kno whats wrong with me and i just feel fuckin trapped  and im going in circles ive been goin in SO many fucking circles jesus CHRIST love us all

[parkjmini]

Reminisce | 4

Park Jimin “I found myself falling more in love with you as I grew older.” You and Jimin were childhood best friends until you had to move away. As years passed and you both aged, the separation between your friendship deepen and you never heard from him again. More than a decade passed and you suddenly stumble upon the man who you never stopped thinking about. Word Count: 3,314 Italics = flashback (Y/F/N) = Your Full Name

Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | the end

thank you to everyone who reads my horrible writing )): im really sorry i haven’t been updating, my life has just been so hectic !! pls give me feedback bc im always looking to improve ((: this is NOT the last chapter !!

“Dad!” You yelled as the familiar man stepped out of his car. He looked tired, eyes heavy with dark circles that rimmed the bottom. His face sagged and his posture was bent. However, the sound of your voice instantly lit his sulky face.

“My dear!” He whispered as you quickly jumped onto him for a hug, like a small child would do. He laughed, hoarse and deep. He had grown older and weak, so he stumbled back to maintain his balance.

“Dad, I missed you!” You squealed, giddy and eager to see your parent after several years. 

“Honey, when did you get back?” He set you down and tried to take in your grown face.

You went on to explain how you were to be in town for the next couple of days. “Did you not hear my voicemail?”

He lightly knocked his knuckles against his temples and groaned, “I forgot to check my machine these past couple of days. I’m sorry, my love. Where are you staying?” 

“Dad, have you been well lately? I slept at Jimin’s apartment last night.” Your father looked behind your shoulder to see the cool Jimin leaning against his door frame, observing the daughter-father reunion. 

He smiled lightly, “I’ve been a little tired recently. You are staying for dinner tonight, right?” 

“Yes. I was planning on staying here now that you know I’m back—”

“–No, no, my dear. Your room is no longer here. I don’t have your bed anymore. You should go and stay with Jimin.” Your dad began walking towards your home. Confused, you followed after him.

“The last time I visited was six years ago and you got rid of my bed?” You were slightly offended that he gave away your bed, let alone demolished your entire childhood room.

“You were here six years ago?” Jimin suddenly appeared out of no where. You jumped at the sound of his voice and nodded. “Why didn’t you come say hi? Why didn’t you come and see me?”

Groaning, you were reminded by the painful memories of your shattering friendship. “Because we weren’t really.. friends.. anymore.. at that time.” A sugar coated explanation was all you could give, along with a sympathetic frown.

Jimin was taken aback and didn’t move from the doorway of your house. He was absolutely clueless. “What are you talking about?” 

“Nevermind. You don’t remember because it didn’t hurt you as much as it had hurt me.” You answered passive aggressively and tried to find your father in the big house.

“(Y/N), wait.” Jimin caught on to your wrist before you fled off. “Talk to me.”

“Jimin.. we can talk and talk, but you’d never understand how much I was hurting when I grew up without you.” Knowing that you were hurt would only hurt Jimin. Knowing that your pain was because of him made it even worse. Jimin never wanted to be the reason behind your painful sorrows. He merely wanted to be your happiness.

“I wanted to be there for you.” Jimin began to defend himself.

“But you weren’t, that was the thing.” You didn’t know where the sudden fuel of anger and sadness came from. Maybe he wasn’t allow to feel upset that you didn’t bother to see him when you came to visit in the past. 

“Why don’t you go see Jimin?” Your dad asked as you laid underneath your soft, cotton covers. 

You viciously shook your head, so hard that he was afraid your head would fall off. “I don’t want to see him.” 

“Why not, honey?” Your dad tried to be as comforting as your mother. The bed shifted due to his weight and his warm hand rested on your shoulder.

“Because we aren’t friends anymore.” 

“His graduation is today.” 

Cuddling closer against your window sill, you buried your head deeper into the mattress. “I don’t care.” Your dad hated those words and he decided that there was no point in pushing you anymore. He lacked persistence, contrasting your mom, who didn’t take no for an answer.

“Can you believe it? We’re graduating in a few hours.” A young girl’s voice traveled through your open window, into your room.

“Yeah. It’s crazy.” Jimin’s voice made you still in your blankets. The fact that he lived in the same neighborhood made it harder to ignore his existence. He was obviously walking past your house to get to his own.

“I’m going to miss you.” She said sadly. Jimin exhaled and there was a silence. You thought they had left and escaped into his house, so you peeked out your blinds. There he stood at the corner of your driveway, with a girl in front of him.

“Me too.” He had hesitated before saying it. You ducked quickly before either one of them saw. The obnoxious rattling noise of the blinds caught her attention.

“Did you hear that?” The girl asked. “I think it came from this house, that window.”

“This house? No. I know who lives here and no one lives in that room.” You heart was pounding so loud, you heard it in your ears.

“How do you know?”

“They’re a family friend of mine and I’ve been in that house.” 

“For what?”

“Are you done asking me all these useless questions?” Their footsteps picked up again.

“Jimin, you’re hiding something. I can tell.” Her voice faded and Jimin’s response was no longer audible. 

“Jimin, I don’t want to talk about this right now.” You trailed and looked behind you to see if your dad was still in sight.

Jimin shook his head, unable to let go of the topic, “we’ll talk later tonight, when we go back to my place. I mean, you still need a place to stay and I’m more than happy to offer my place.” 

You sat across from your father at your old dinner table. The once small square table use to have three filled chairs. Now, it seemed too big for only two people, let alone one. Your dad’s cooking tasted exactly the same and reminded you immensely of your childhood.  

Your house was practically empty since you and your mom moved out. It was also more dark and disheartening. Your dad completely let go after the divorce, but not enough where he was living in the streets. He also never remarried or had many friends.

You cleared your throat as you both ate in uncomfortable silence. “Why did you clear out my room?”

“I thought that you wouldn’t really need your childhood room anymore. It was too childish for a young woman like you are now.” He sipped his soup nonchalantly.

“I am barely a young woman right now. I’ll always be your little girl, Dad.” You sighed and he smiled lightly. 

“I know, my dear. However, you’re getting older now. You have a boyfriend and..”

“Boyfriend? Dad, I don’t have a boyfriend. Where did you get an impression that I had a boyfriend.” You were taken back at how your father thought you were with someone. You never mentioned anything about your dating life.

Your father stared back at you and raised his brow. His head tilted in confusion and he blinked back at you, not understanding what you meant. “Honey, what are you saying? I thought Jimin was your boyfriend.” 

“What?!” You stood up quickly. Shaking your head, you ignored any way your dad was trying to calm you down.

“I mean who else would have given you that mark on your neck–”

“Dad!” You had totally forgotten about the small mark Jimin left on your neck from this morning. You didn’t even remember which side it was on and proceeded to cover your entire neck. “We’re only friends, you know that!”

“Well, you staying over at his place and then showing up together. He practically chased you down. Now, you have this purple mark—”

“Dad! Seriously, it’s not what you think!” Your face turning a humiliating shade of red. Your father laughed and continued with his meal.

“Then I suppose you fell and hit your neck on something to get that bruise?” He was being sarcastic. That was the thing with your father — always witty and sarcastic. 

You sighed and remained silent. Anything else you would’ve said to defend yourself would have been used against you. You were already upset from the earlier conversation with Jimin, and now your own dad thinks you two are together. You didn’t want to go back to Jimin’s place so soon. He would’ve wanted to talk about the loss time, but talking about a time without him made you incredibly heartbroken. 

You texted Pilot Kim underneath the table. He responded almost immediately. You were going to take his offer for drinks to get your mind off of Jimin.

“Dad, I’m going out with someone.” You helped him put away the dishes after dinner. He peered over at you, an eyebrow raised. “No, not with Jimin. I’m going out with a coworker of mine. She wants someone to explore the city with and who else knows it best besides me?” You lied.

“Alright honey. You two girls be safe. I’m heading to bed anyways. I’ve got the early shift tomorrow morning.” He smiled and hugged you close. “I’m always thinking of you, dear.”

“I’m thinking of you too, Dad.” You returned a small smile before heading out to meet Pilot Kim.

He pulled up in a sleek black rental car. The headlights were blinding white as he pulled up to your sidewalk. You entered the car and the new car smell hit you unexpectedly. “Hello Pilot—”

“—Taehyung. (Y/N), just call me Taehyung.” He cut you off and ended his sentence with a grin. He wasn’t in uniform, so you felt strange seeing him in casual clothing. He looked ravishing. His patterned button up wasn’t buttoned all the way, his dress pants fit his long legs well. He was expensive.

“This is a uh– a fancy car.” You gulped. You were trying to make small talk, anything to fill the empty air.

He smirked and leaned back coolly. “Only the best for you.”

You turned to face him, confused. He shifted in his seat and cleared his throat. “So how was your day?” Taehyung changed the subject rather quickly.

You sighed, remembering all the events of the long day. “It was good. I haven’t seen my dad for a long time, so having dinner with him was really nice. What about yours?”

“Ah… I stayed indoors practically day, besides going out to eat. I had breakfast with Jen, lunch with Gabriella, and dinner with Kimberly.”

“And now you’re getting drinks with me.” You laugh uncomfortably. You really meant for it to be a joke, but you couldn’t help the way it flew out of your mouth.

Taehyung was very popular among the female crew members and pilots. He was a young, probably a year or two older than you, and handsome. Taehyung had a smaller frame, but his height made up for it. He was a fresh face that everyone wanted their hands on. Also, he was single.

You two have never really spoken much, considering you switch coworkers almost every flight. However, you’ve crossed paths enough to have minimal conversation. The talk surrounding him helped with building his character. He was funny, or so people said. He had great morals and a real down to earth guy.

Even though Taehyung was everyone’s dream, you didn’t understand the hype. He was undeniably gorgeous, a work of art, but there was something missing. He didn’t have his own ambitions. Taehyung wasn’t passionate about anything really. He reminded you of a lost boy who has yet to find himself.

“(Y/N), you were the first person all day that I invited out first. The others offered to take me out and I just went along with it.” Taehyung explained.

You shook you head. “You don’t need to explain. We’re not dating or anything. You don’t have to tell me excuses.” The car came to a stop and the neon lights of the club caught your attention.

It was a small bar and it wasn’t a busy night. Taehyung and you sat at a table. You were never big on drinking, so you had no clue what to get. You merely followed along to what your colleague got.

“You don’t drink much, do you?” Taehyung raised an eyebrow.

“I don’t. I don’t enjoy the taste of alcohol.” Your eyes couldn’t stop scanning the room, you didn’t want to make eye contact with him. Playing with your fingers, you two sat in stiff silence.

“Then why did you agree to meet with me?” He was asking difficult questions now.

You shrugged and sipped your bitter drink, “maybe because I wanted a friend.”

Taehyung sighed and leaned forward. There was a live band playing quiet jazz music. The beat was soft, something to sway to. “When will you realize you mean more than a friend to me?”

“Excuse me?” You weren’t sure if you’d heard him correctly. Right on cue, your phone buzzed with a text message from Jimin. He was wondering where you were at such a late hour. It didn’t occur to you to warn him that you didn’t need a ride back to his place.

Taehyung placed his hand on top of yours. Your head was ducked down at the device on your lap. “I like you, (Y/N). I want to spend more time with you.”

“I think you’re super cool.” Your eyebrows wrinkled together. Your table partner was scribbling compliments all over your notebook.

“You guys are so cute! Why don’t you just date each other already?” A girl across from you stated.

At your new school, people were nice. It was nothing like how it was back before you moved. You made a lot of new friends who loved your big hair and didn’t take advantage of your big heart. You were a little more outgoing than before. Eleven was a big transition in a child’s life. You were slowly becoming a preteen.

“We should. I mean I do like you, (Y/N).” The boy smiled boldly. Your friends squealed next to you and started slapping your shoulder to edge you to respond.

You were still very sensitive from Jimin abandoning you. A huge part of you didn’t want to let go of your childhood best friend. Your mind was telling you to lie to your table mate that you felt the same. Your heart, however, told you to stay true to who you felt for.

“I like you too.. but not in that way. We’re great friends. I’d like for us to stay that way.” You smiled halfheartedly.

Everyone paused at your reaction. You rejected him. It was a good thing he was an amazing sport about. “No problem. I still think you’re cool. I’ll have to like you from afar then.”

You chuckled, but it wasn’t funny. It was sad, honestly. You couldn’t ever like another guy because of Jimin. Jimin ruined every chance of a relationship for you. No one was ever going to be like him or live up to his standards. It needed to be him or no one. That was how you felt. And you felt that way for almost your whole life.

“Pilot Kim.” You addressed him formally again. You needed to be firm with him. Drawing your hand back, you stared him in the eye. “I feel it’s best if we were friends. If we were to be with each other, it would be inappropriate. You are my senior and I respect you. I think we shouldn’t cross that boundary. You’re a fine young man and you’ll find someone else.”

“Let me guess, you have a boyfriend already.” He sipped his drink and fell back into his seat. “He also just texted you, right? He was the guy you were with today, the voice I overheard on the phone.”

“He’s not my boyfriend. He’s only a friend. My— our — job makes it difficult for us to date, you know that.” You sounded more nervous than you intended.

Taehyung nodded and asked for the bill. “Maybe you should text him back.”

You replied to Jimin with a quick, vague message. He demanded for you to come back to his apartment. You rolled your eyes at the messages he was sending and muted your phone for the rest of the night.

As you were getting out of Taehyung’s car, his hand gently grabbed onto your forearm. You shifted around and he had a disappointed, but hopeful smile. “I know you said that you want to stay friends. I’m perfectly fine with that. I’m sorry if I made you feel uneasy or—”

“—Pilot Kim, it’s okay.” You patted his hand and he nodded, letting you go. Entering the elevator, you punched in the floor of Jimin’s apartment. Anticipation bubbled up your stomach. You’ve been mainly avoiding Jimin your entire night.

There was still a chance he was asleep. You prayed that he was in bed, so you didn’t have to speak or explain yourself. Opening the door, it was revealed an angry Jimin leaning against his dining table. The lights were a fluorescent yellow and the apartment was quiet, except from Jimin’s heavy breathing.

“Don’t.” You said as you took off your shoes and shut the door.

Jimin crossed his arms and got off his table. “My room. Now.” 

You groaned and followed him to his neat, dark bedroom. As you closed the door, Jimin was pressed closely against you. You scanned his face for any clue of it being a mistake. Any sign of embarrassment. 

He tilted his head and it was the scene from earlier all over again. His sweet, soft lips roughly pressed up against yours. His hands held onto your face and lifted your head off his door. Before you had the chance to kiss him back, he pulled away aggressively, leaving you in complete shock.

“You reek of alcohol.” He rolled his eyes and stood before you again, bold and towering. “Where were you and why weren’t you answering my messages?” 

“Who are you? My boyfriend?” Crossing your arms, you traced steps around the heated man. 

“Answer my questions.” 

“Fine. You want to know so badly, here it goes. I went out to get drinks with my coworker to avoid coming back to you.” You exploded at him, unsure where the sudden burst of rage came from. 

He exhaled sharply and said in a low voice, “now was that so hard to say?” 

“Don’t tempt me, Park Jimin.” You spat back, your words laced with venom.

“Why were you avoiding me?” He soften up. Lending out his hands, they touched your gracefully. Automatically, you unwind in his grip.

“Because I didn’t want to talk about the past. I didn’t want you to interrogate me about why I didn’t visit you when I came back. I don’t want to relive the pain of losing my best friend.. no, more… you were more than my best friend.” You were crying now. Tears spilling onto the floor. Jimin encapsulating you in his arms.

“I know, baby. I’m sorry.” You pushed him away the instant you heard that nickname.

“You don’t get to call me that.” You sniffed.

 “Why not?” He looked down at you with confusion.

“Because you’re not my boyfriend, Jimin! What don’t you understand?” You screamed and cried harder.

Jimin was back, holding you with such care. “What if I want to be?” 

“You don’t want that..” Your voice trailed, afraid of his next answer.

“Like you know what I want, babygirl.” Peering up, he had a delicate smile on his handsome face. “I want to be with you.” 

You sucked in your breath. Standing there, you contemplated whether you were drunk and imagining all of this. It was all too good to be true. 

[blackmagistertd]

Would You Rather - TWD Edition

tagged by @ocegion @hatterized @genevievedarcygranger ty and ily all !!

Daryl or Rick – i like daryl well enough but rick is absolute fucking fave. my sweet oblivious murder boy.

Maggie or Beth – beth has always resonated with me. i couldn’t tell you why bc i don’t know, but there’s something about beth that reminds me of me, a lot. also she had a stupid shitty fuckin death but w/e

Michonne or Andrea – from what i can tell comic!andrea was a badass, BUT michonne holds my literal heart ? my heart and a katana

Dwight or Negan – god negan is fuckin fave too. self-confident bridging on over-confident, and then a redemption arc where instead of just instantly becoming good he actively has to work on himself as a person and puts effort into being better ? like. i’ve got a weakness for chars like that gfdjkghfdjkh

Glenn or Abraham – we didn’t deserve glenn he was so good. his development was a fave bc it’s... like my own... lol do y’all see a pattern

Abraham or Eugene – i just. i cannot stand eugene. it’s like.... all the bad parts of myself... in a person. idk i just cannot stand him

Eugene or Gabriel – gabriel is one of those fascinating characters to me. just bc he’s still balancing religion during all this shit happening, despite everything. that and i will never forget his talk with spencer GJDGHDJFH

Team Negan or Team Rick – i’m probably more likely to die under rick, but rick is a better person and he’s kinder. so as much as i love negan i gotta go rick.

Carl or Enid – he’s literally almost exactly like me? like, fuck, carl is one of those characters i see myself in, especially now, and i just. have a lot of respect for carl. he’s been through a lot you know

Ezekiel or Shiva - i love ezekiel ok but. but tiger. like thats uhhhh basically my only reasoning....... animals aren’t inherently bad !! she is a Good Tiger

Rosita or Sasha – sasha has always, always been fave. she did her best with the bullshit in the world and FUCK her ending makes me sad ;_; also rosita tends to rub me the wrong way bc she was the type of girl i fought with in school jkdhdfkjh

Aaron or Eric - i don’t.....,,, know much about eric so its kinda. moot point

Shiva or Lucille - two for two on shiva. again - tiger. i love aminals ok, thats my intended major for college so

Daryl’s crossbow or Rick’s Python – guns tend to . freak me out. even the fake ones make me uncomfortable. and also crossbows are fucking cool ok no matter who they belong to

Jesus or Ezekiel – i love my gay son

Carol or Ezekiel – carol & her development is fascinating to me? not just her development in the good way but like, her development even in the bad ways. struggling against her own mind is something i can appreciate, and she shouldn’t be cast aside bc she’s weak/useless/whatever when shes n o t

Negan Or Daryl – LOL I DONT THINK I NEED TO EXPLAIN THIS ONE

Simon or Dwight – uhhh i gotta go dwight here? because simon, despite being the Tired Friend, is . an asshole. i call him negan 2.0 for a reason, he’s like a negan without feelings. and without monologues

Glenn or Maggie – they’re a package deal bro, you can’t separate them :\

Michonne or Rick – michonne is just. god i cannot articulate how much i love her but i DO and im sorry rick but your warrior girlfriend is just so much more badass

Rick or Carl – i cant help but feel i’m snubbing rick on these FDHGDHF but again, carl is a character i really understand. like in s4 after the prison exploded, mom called him “bratty”, and i just ?? no, he’s a teenager that’s been through A LOT OF SHIT ?? trust me if an adult can barely function in those circumstances, a teenager has no chance

Hilltop, Kingdom, Alexandria, or The Saviours – i like comfortable living OTL friendly suburban neighborhood is just the place i should be

Gregory or Spencer – at least spencer wasn’t a coward lol. also i hate xander so jot that down

Morgan or Ezekiel – ughghghh this was a hard choice but i like morgan more i think ? he’s just. a fave.

Governor or Negan –GOD i don’t even have to make a choice. tv or comics, negan is just a better man and a better antagonist. (and, you know, not a rapist? he’d kill the gov on the spot LOL)

Governor or Shane – this is .... basically for same reasons as negan...... better man, better antagonist, not a fucking rapist. also not into whatever weird dead-incest shit the gov was into

Shane or Negan – GOD THIS ISNT FAIR i hate this one. worst question. idk shane is MUCH MORE INTERESTING to me as a character. he was a mentally ill man put under great stressors and he reacted, and while i’m not trying to jusitfy any of his actions, it would have been interesting to see how he grew and evolved throughout the series. there could have been redemption for him, eventually, i think.

Governor or Merle – can i pick neither ? like uhhhh tv wise, i have to go governor.... tv governor wasn’t as bad..... u almost feel sorry for tv governor. almost. idk abt comic!merle though, so based on tv, merle was a HUGE PIECE OF SHIT and im kinda really glad hes gone

im tagging uhhh @you-answer-to-me and anyone else who ? wants to?

[hannibalismycannibro]

the last 4 years of my life have been a living hell and it’s honestly so exhausting that at this point when something happens i’m just like “yep. that seems about right. anyway...” i mean, there’s no one specific thing that’s made everything bad the past few years. It’s a multitude of shit that’s happened. but something bad has happened in every single aspect of my life. social life/friendships/relationships - pfft. gone. fucked up. has been for years now and honestly im just really tired and sad.

my family life - bitch i dont even wanna think about the bullshit thats been going on here i am emotionally numb 99% of the time. EATING - i struggled with an ED mindset my life and it eventually overflowed into one of the worst experiences of my life. i wouldnt wish it on my worst enemy (which is saying a lot because i hate a lot of fucking people). bulimia/restriction/bingeing/over exercise are all things i still struggle with daily and try not to fall back into. however i can feel myself falling back into restriction bc fuck me. my future - what fucking future im too stupid to do anything and all of my goals are unattainable and useless. besides 99% of the time im too tired to do anything or im unmotivated because whats the point ya know bad things have touched literally every aspect of my life. i have no where and no one to go to. i am completely alone. everything is tainted by something. the only bright aspects of my life are my pets and the joy i get out of following dan and phil/my phan blog. which sounds... fucking pathetic lmao. the only bright spots in my life are DOGS and two people who will never know I exist.

[trouvvaille]

[[I want this here for reasons... i love this so much, and it needs to go on this blog]]

vvicissitudo hey meen hey did u see im on for nearly fivve days noww

brackishbarracuda im proud tbh

vvicissitudo yeah? i feel accomplished

brackishbarracuda how long have I wanted u to interact w ppl istf

vvicissitudo i mean i wwouldn't call this accomplished but i feel that wway

brackishbarracuda I do shut up

brackishbarracuda don't actually shut up

vvicissitudo ahaha i lovve you i aint really TALKIN to people offerin idle comments maybe

brackishbarracuda it's a start

vvicissitudo yeah yeah it is am i uh doin good

brackishbarracuda you could stand to loosen up a bit

vvicissitudo yeah true but u kno me prickly af they gotta get thru the hard shell first

brackishbarracuda it helps when you give em half a chance

brackishbarracuda they aint gotta b best buds right off the bat u can b a casual friend

vvicissitudo u really think im bein TOO prickly

brackishbarracuda i just want u to have a chance to get out more clams

vvicissitudo i like wwhere im at

vvicissitudo besides most a these guys they aint gonna be here in six perigees

brackishbarracuda casual friendship enjoy em while it lasts get a decent conversation an if they dont come back oh well

vvicissitudo i guess so hmm but half a them aint replied to me or commented on my followw

brackishbarracuda so let it go and start another one later ppl got lives

brackishbarracuda whats up w u tho

vvicissitudo listenin to music up top lookin at the wavves s gonna rain not storm i think just rain

brackishbarracuda u wanna go for a swim when it starts

vvicissitudo shore its alwwavves nice

brackishbarracuda what uh

brackishbarracuda I mean we ain't talked reely much

vvicissitudo do wwe gotta?

brackishbarracuda and I got quads commin outta my ears

vvicissitudo ahaha that u do wwhat wwould wwe talk aboat me still feelin shitty ovver the other night? cause thats a thing

brackishbarracuda we aint gotta

vvicissitudo there aint much i feel that needs t be talked aboat

besides the wwhole thing ww... that.

i feel guilty

is it my fault?? wwhat can i do for that

but uh

other than that, nah. storms an rain an wwavves are good

talkin about that spill earlier tho got me itchy ZZ3B\

brackishbarracuda ive been takin deep breaths and movin em

vvicissitudo yeah

does that help

brackishbarracuda no

vvicissitudo tried pourin spring wwater dowwn my neck

felt nice but ddn't wwork

brackishbarracuda I just been tryin naut to think aboat it sometimes they ain't wanna open and I half panic for a second also it ain't ur fault also what do you think about the bouys 38/

vvicissitudo thats terrifyin to think aboat

noww i gotta open mine up an check em

ugh

wwhat you really think so?

an uh, wwhich bouys

brackishbarracuda yeah u didnt force her hand she fucked up an she shoulda been straight w him and i tried to fuckin tell her that but no an the clowns

vvicissitudo They're good. I aint too much talkin to em yet Tho uh.

Wwhich clowwns

brackishbarracuda clams the two im datin zee and arlequin

vvicissitudo I kno that... Just wwondered

Theres a lotta clowwns U kno i nevver paid much attention to em

brackishbarracuda would u

vvicissitudo Pay attention? Noww, yeah, I'm startin to

brackishbarracuda theyre good people

brackishbarracuda an i want u to be a part a all a my life vvicissitudo

i wwant to be part of it all a it i didn't followw any clowwns before an noww that i do

its hard

vvicissitudo i keep seein the text, the wways they talk an i see you happy an i feel bitter aboat me because you're my happiness u got a full house im glad for u

brackishbarracuda nearly anyway

vvicissitudo i just hate myshellf rn its nothin that

vvicissitudo its nothin to wworry aboat itll pass

brackishbarracuda i alwaves worry aboat you

vvicissitudo i hate wwhat loz did meen i hate it i think i'd rather havve just had one heartbreak to deal wwith i didn't evven get any closure i got to kiss him once i got to hold him as he fuckin died along wwith you an wwhere does that leavve me

vvicissitudo in limbo wwaitin wwonderin wwheres my makara wwheres my red wwheres the one wwhose gonna fill that hole an then i see ur makaras an i feel terrible cause i don't

vvicissitudo want to get to knoww them because i knoww ill just get hurt an i knoww they aint mine evven if i wwant them to be part of this family an its part a wwhat i posted aint no one talked to me last night i mentioned arlequin once in his owwn post

vvicissitudo that other captor  nevver replied to me evven after i said somethin that other ampora, the wwhiny one he liked posts datin back a wwhole swweep an pike a hundred posts besides im trying, i swwear for you but i dont my heart aint in it i dont i don't knoww wwhat to do here anymoray

brackishbarracuda you keep tryin

vvicissitudo been almost a wweek a godamn record that ivve been on doin social things

brackishbarracuda an im proud a u for it

vvicissitudo i got you thats al i got its all i wwant

brackishbarracuda an im tryin my damdest to help u change it

vvicissitudo i aint wwant to be hurt no more meen

vvicissitudo prince or princess charmin is comin to me this tide i wwanna knoww ur makaras but not ovver social media i wwanna knoww em wwhen they're ovver for tea or  sleepovvers or meetin the kids or meetin me

vvicissitudo it feels useless. *i* feel useless

brackishbarracuda you dont want to know where id b without you

vvicissitudo youd be sadder

vvicissitudo probubbly givven up by now

brackishbarracuda id be dead

vvicissitudo wwhat about ur cro

brackishbarracuda what the fuck about him

vvicissitudo wwould he havve found you or wwould you havve been dead beshore then

brackishbarracuda long fuckin before then

vvicissitudo wwhat wwould havve happened i can see u runnin urself into the ground

brackishbarracuda runnin myself into the ground bitin off more than i can chew gettin pissed and sad and naut havin a good enough reason to naut do stupid shit

brackishbarracuda every single tide you patched me up every single tide youve found me when i was low every tide you talked me outta somefin or made sure i was safe i mean fuck clams you saw what i looked like w/o u for a fuckin perigee

brackishbarracuda efin if id never met you you know how closed off i was how angry id have gotten into a fight i couldnt handle burned myself from the inside out

brackishbarracuda itd a been the oil clams

brackishbarracuda efin if naut literally cept thered b nobody to clean me up to carry me home to show me what the fuck home /was/

brackishbarracuda i wouldnt a had the kids oar you oar vis

brackishbarracuda you are fuckin necessary

vvicissitudo u wwouldn't havve evven had loz wwould u i i just realized that it wwas cause a me you met

vvicissitudo wwasn't it the first big thing wwas wwhen tavv tried to "help" me

brackishbarracuda i woulda had rez and fangs and they woulda left me and thats it

vvicissitudo yeah. wwhat about noww

brackishbarracuda i aint efin shore i woulda had sally

vvicissitudo pike are you happy noww

brackishbarracuda all i know is i aint happy w/o u

vvicissitudo awwww

brackishbarracuda youve literally saved my life so many dam tides mine and sallys and the wrigs does that sound useless to you

vvicissitudo you an the wwrigs are the only ones wwho seem to appreciate me yes, you're the only ones wwho count really an truly u remember wwhen u took me to that play

brackishbarracuda yeah

vvicissitudo an they stood in a roww an thanked us personally for comin i wwant that i wwant it all the tide i wwant people appreciatin me i tell people im wworkin on somethin to make helmsmens livves after the helm better i get "its impossible"

brackishbarracuda that aint a good example clams u kno how hard it is to accept good shit when it aint in your hand

vvicissitudo i tell people im a docterror an a chemical engineer an i get "so wwhat else do you do" i tell people im a reader a wwriter

vvicissitudo a pacifist an i get blank stares an topic changes i get fivve note threads on this hellsite an then nothin thats howw it alwavves goes

brackishbarracuda did u think for a minute that maybe ur just ten levels above everybody else an they aint kno how to talk aboat that shit

vvicissitudo i mention my name an people are pike "who" an i gotta say "eridan" before they realize an then they assume wwrongly a me i aint wwanna be smart if it means no one wwants to talk to me

brackishbarracuda ur doin good shit clams bc ur smart

brackishbarracuda bc a whats happened to u and who you are

vvicissitudo am i a good person

brackishbarracuda betta than me by a long shot

vvicissitudo wwhy i dont wwant to be better than u i wwant to be ur equal

brackishbarracuda then get me to where u are and dont u dare lower urself for anybody

vvicissitudo > You're stunned into silence for a bit.

brackishbarracuda i aint the best person in the world i aint that smart

brackishbarracuda im shit at p much anyfin that aint kissin somebody oar fightin em you aint

vvicissitudo or makin someone feel good aboat themselvves u do a damn good job of that

brackishbarracuda shut up for a second that aint the point

vvicissitudo im cryin AND laughin ill havve u knoww

brackishbarracuda good 3B* point is you deserve a crown more than i ever have

vvicissitudo wwhhat

brackishbarracuda you can patch ppl up and help people w real cod dam problems w real applications you kno history and all that shit you read you write you study ur in ur lab u work hard too hard but u aint a useless bump a log

vvicissitudo but you aint wwanna rule

brackishbarracuda do i look like i could manage anyfin close to rullin rn by myself

vvicissitudo that aint the point u don't WWANNA rule

vvicissitudo period do you??

brackishbarracuda why do you think i asked dirk to let me do political shit

vvicissitudo but wwas that because u foresaww this convversation or because you wwant to

brackishbarracuda its pike i told him im tired a runnin

vvicissitudo yeah?

brackishbarracuda yeah

brackishbarracuda idk wtf good is gonna come outta it but

vvicissitudo i can name good

vvicissitudo u bein by my side me being by ur side are you sure u wwanna do this last chance to back out u knoww

brackishbarracuda i aint got nofin to rule clams its kinda far from a last chance but yeah

vvicissitudo alright then

vvicissitudo so uh wwhat rule wwhat the wwhole planet?? this uh provvince, this continent, this bit of planet wwe call home i mean theres things wwe gotta think of

brackishbarracuda hb we just start w the bit were on yeah

vvicissitudo so wwe need to get scoutin parties together to see HOWW big it is an if anyone else livves on it an if anyone else livves on it then we gotta dispute

vvicissitudo buy their land rom em in exchange for goods or services a emperor aint bein servved hes servvin others pike wwe provvide food or electricity an they trade us

brackishbarracuda clams calm down

vvicissitudo ideally rn wwe feed their family/take care a their land in exchange for their servvices in helpin us scout out- wwhat oh

brackishbarracuda do u kno how many tides i had to retype clams calm bc lemme tell u

vvicissitudo uh oops

brackishbarracuda too much at once aight lets just

brackishbarracuda keep our shit to ourselves baby steps yeah

vvicissitudo babysteps yeah ideally this thing wwe livve on is only an island otherwwise wwe got barriers to wworry about pike cae said

brackishbarracuda either plan on defendin what u got or be ready to run right i aint runnin

vvicissitudo i lovve u <>

vvicissitudo u an ur beautiful soul

brackishbarracuda i love you too

brackishbarracuda <> <><><><><><><><><><><> aight im done im good thats outta my system

vvicissitudo thank you for listenin

brackishbarracuda you aint quaded to me for my looks 3B*

vvicissitudo damn right im quadded to u because of u