#living is a chore and im tired. im just so fucking exhausted from EVERYTHING. i dont want to...

[j1998v]

my big sister is so fucking exhausting to be around that i have to leave the room in order to protect myself.

im seriously so tired of her, the way she acts, behaves, her mindset, every. single. thing.

im constantly in a turmoil bc im a Christian and love thy neighbor, but she is one of the only two people i hate in this world (the other is my father of course)

i have forgiven everyone but -

oh im tearing up typing this haha . i have forgiven everyone but she. she. i fucking hate her so much , she makes my life miserable. it is an absolute HELL to live with heri hate living with her

she doesnt know how to turn down her volume in the house for my baby sister at all

-she is the messiest and most disgusting person ive ever fucking known. i dont even know how its possible to live like she does, she LOVES filth im actually starting to cry from the rage in my heart. im so fucking sick and tired.

-i even told my mama that sometimes i pretend she doesnt exist ; the reason is because, we have chores right ? she never does her chores AT ALL. we are 4 sisters, her the oldest, me second, another sister and a baby sister . SHE NEVER DOES ANYTHING . I CANNOT . CANNOT EXPLAIN ENOUGH HOW MUCH SHE DOESNT DO SHIT.

i have prayed. countless fucking times about her to the Lord. asking Him to give me strength to keep tolerating her, times when i pray and just scream. she is insufferable. the heavens knows how miserable she makes me. saying that i am sick and tired of her is an understatement.

my parents joked . "haha youre like the oldest sibling haha"

oh. how fucking funny. that fucking hurts me so fucking bad. i assure you that she was never in my life. she was never there for me. she was absent my entire life. so of course im the most mad at her in my family; where was the big sister i needed? now im full on crying lmfao.

i am. just so sick.

we have a small shop, we'll never be rich but food is always on the table

but she.... SHE IS SO FUCKING STUPID

SHE THINKS WE ARE RICH OR SOMETHING, SHE JUST EATS EVERYTHING IN OUR SHOP. SHE DOES NOT THINK. LORD IN HEAVEN ABOVE I AM FUCKING SICK OF HER - SHE EATS ALL OUR PROFIT. i want to scream. please...

does anyone get me PLEASE... please understand how frustrated i am.. she just eats and eats and takes and takes.... we have no profit... how will we make a living if she keeps up this act? i only take things from the shop when necessary , anyone would be angry too........... im tired

and when i tell her about this she just rolls her eyes, sometimes saying "you are younger than me dont tell me what to do" you are acting like a child you bitch.

its not just me as well, my mother, MOTHER, has vented to me multiple times about her . about how nothing can get to her head . do you know how fucking stupid u have to be that your MOTHER vents to her child about you ??

i hate living with her .

[confessions-official]

I'M SO FUCKING SICK OF LIVING WITH MY MOM!!!! I'm in university and I work from home 3-5 out of 5 days of the week (i'm called to the office pretty randomly) for 6 hours, 8 hours when I have days off from school. obviously I can't afford to move out otherwise I already would have. today i broke down crying. i struggle with time management so bad bc i'm always exhausted, i have hashimoto's disease and i can totally be functional but i have little energy and if i don't manage it well i can end up virtually useless by a certain time of the day. last year i pretty much neglected my health entirely while working and studying: i wasn't sleeping or eating well, i was sedentary, etc. the last few weeks i've been finally FINALLY getting into a routine of excersising at home that works for me. today I put time aside during my lunch break to do a short but intense cardio workout I promised myself I would try to do at least once a week to see my endurance level. My mom calls me as I'm just starting out to tell me she "forgot" she ordered a package and it should be home in 10 minutes. I almost broke down fucking crying. I had to cut everything short and shower to be ready when the package got here. Of fucking course it was delayed so I wasted my break waiting for her package. I can't take it anymore, she always does this and I always tell her i have ZERO ISSUE if she wants me to recieve a package she orders, but to PLEASE check in on me so I can schedule my day around that, or so I can let her know if I'm not available. I have no problem waiting for a package or the plumber or whoever if I'm home but I need to KNOW. she always tells me 10 minutes before "oh btw i called a painter for the kitchen" or "i called a plumber for the bathroom". there was one time when i was SO exhausted after finishing an assignment from school, i had literally not slept for days and I had taken a vacation day from work so when i got home from class i could nap (i was at the level of exhaustion where i knew even if i napped i'd be tired enough to sleep well at night). as im finishing some chores and laying down on the couch she calls me like "oh btw i know i said the painters weren't coming today but i told them yes they can. they're on their way". She NEVER checks to see if i'm available and NEVER checks in on what's going on with me in work and school and basically assumes i'm just in the house all day doing nothing. i can't even go out for a walk or to get coffee during my break bc if i miss something she gets pissed at me and says i'm unreliable. i decided i'm moving out with a friend by the end of the year even if it's a one room apartment, because she won't change. she's grown and she has clearly communicated she does not give a shit about my time (we have discussed this multiple times and she's like yea yea okay i'll let you know and she doesn't change). i don't know how the fuck i'm going to move my desktop computer to wherever the fuck i move to (i don't have a laptop, cannot afford one if i want to move out soon, and i 100% need a computer for work and school) but i don't care. i'll figure something out.

 

[foxtriestobiteandmaimandkilland]

ok bc im fucking exhausted tho and havent slept for ages im gonna take advantage of this. and like. i mean. i dont write so idk how helpful this would b 4 me. but. i think itd b cool 2 know this nonetheless in the future. so. what it feels like 2 go 30 hrs w no sleep. errrr. well. after about 24 hours i was like. tired as FUCK. i felt physically sick and like. not good. and i was so exhausted and not even in a sleepy way but just in a way it felt like everything was just giving up on me. time also felt like. it was going wrong. an hour would feel like a minute or 5 minutes would feel like fucking forever. i felt rllyyyyy heavy and just generally disorientated. anddd now im 30 hours in. and im less like that. dunno if its bc i concentrated on playin stardew valley or bc i had a meal. but now its just. i feel sorta. spiky on the inside. my eyes feel sharp and both wide and like. closed. at the same time. my balance is realllyyyy off but when i walk it feels less like im a million pounds heavy and goin all over the place. it feels more like. cant feel shit. and i didnt even feel like my balance was off til i almost dropped my plate i was carrying. my body feels sorta like its split into pieces n stuff. anddd my brain is like. im not rlly thinking clearly its more like. i mean normally when i think and im thinking clearly its like theres this big gushing river ending in a little waterfall. and i have a bucket. and its like the water is all my thoughts and the bucket is me articulating them properly. and sometimes i have a rllyyyy big bucket n i catch mostttt the water and sometimes my buckte is tiny. but its essentially the same. when im usually tired its like. er. i forgot. idk. but rn its like. the water is no longer my thoughts the waters just my brain. and im not at the end of the waterfall im to the side of the river. and theres tiny little like. idk floating things. sayyyy petals or smth. all going down the river. and the petals r my thoughts. and im standing at the end of the river fishing out some of these petals at random. and like. putting them beside me. but i feel veryyyy distant from the river. im not in the waterfall and getting soaked and surrounded by water. im off 2 the side and my hands r barely even gettin wet. so. yea thats  what thinking feels like rn. and my feelings r. um. difficult to pinpoint. one i knew for sure i had earlier was guilt. bc of smth my mum said. but now i feel like. Not. Real. yknow. likeee. like im living in a memory rn rather than actual stuff. and er yea. also theres this biggg weight in my chest. its veryyy heavy. and its making breathing a bit of a chore. but yea. thats how being tired after 30 hours of no sleep is. like. er. yeah. ok. bye love u

[bumpthis]

.

[stackslip]

funniest and saddest thing in akis arc is right after aki meets kishibe after returning from hokaido and kishibe is like man living with them has to be a handful WHICH IS COMPLETELY TRUE we just followed a whole chapter of denji and power being utterly insufferable. like the absolute worst most exhausting duo of feral kids who aki cannot leave unsupervised for 5 seconds before they start eating week-old funerary offerings because as chaotic as they are individually as a duo they literally become 5 year olds who chop off limbs for fun. and akis like reluctantly WELL yeah theyre awful but like, theyve done so much progress, power no longer flings veggies across the room and very occasionally once in a blue moon denji actually pays attention to what i say. its so fucking funny kishibe is like "man youre a saint theyre exhausting. i mean i like them but boy are they tiring." and instead of bitching about it and agreeing aki fucking DEFENDS them. like "they dont shit over the furniture anymore, thats big progress, im proud of them." the bar is so low but listen theyre doing their best.

:readmore:

and then its followed by the immediate gobsmacking bitchslap of aki asking kishibe if he can abandon his life-long dream by withdrawing the trio from the gun devil expedition. his sole goal in life for years, it is so close, and he knows he has so little time left at all, and he gives it all up there and then. right after his trip with power and denji, the one they bullied him to join in. right after having to scold them and rein them in for two days straight like toddlers. less than a month after being confronted with the possibility of a world where neither of them are alive, and realizing that he cannot bear that possibility. it doesnt matter that he would be able to die finally fulfilling his dream of destroying the gun devil, of avenging all his losses, of going in peace. the idea of denji and power dying there, or being left with nothing when hes gone... its enough for him to give it all up. he's willing to spend whatever time is left seeing them fuck up his apartment and squabbling and just.... living, free of fear or danger. his sole goal now is to die with the certainty that they will both have a long and happy existence, that he'll have protected them and fulfilled his role as an older brother. he is fine with dying still! he has accepted it as long as theyre ok. he saw these two gremlins who were supposed to be everything he hated, he grudgingly himself take care of them bc he was asked to, grew used to them being in his life. and then he grew to love them, to love how much denji enjoyed his cooking, to love how power played with her cat, to enjoy their squabbling and appreciate the efforts they did make. these two feral strays with no manners grew to trust and rely on him, they started sharing the chores (with much complaining) and allowed themselves to be vulnerable with him, they clung to him when he wanted to leave for hokkaido. and aki fucking gives up on revenge! he gives up on fighting! he will not live for much longer, but he wont spend his remaining time on taking down the creature that has haunted his life. because he isnt alone now, he has a family hes grown to love and who loves him. he will spend these last few weeks teaching denji to cook himself, making sure power learns healthy eating habits. he will sit at the table and share meals with them and savour every last moment. its the only thing he wishes for anymore, he has nothing else, and yet he has more than he ever thought possible.

he finally allowed himself to love, to give up on revenge, to be at peace. its fuckjng gutwrenching that makima took that away from him, that he died not only as what he hated, but burdened with the knowledge that it was too late and that his family would suffer. he was willing to give everything over and over again, spent his last minutes begging for a way for power and denji to be happy. for power to live, for denji to not be burdened with grief and guilt. he never blamed denji when the future devil told him about how aki would die, he inherently knew that it would not be of the boys own volition and that it would wreck him. mere minutes left, spent begging for power and denjis lives. he didnt even get to realize or fight back, he didnt get to say goodbye. he died a mockery of himself, turned into an instrument of pain against his family. he died as a shambling corpse whose instincts guided him home, only to unknowingly destroy that home. he died because from the very start, makima *intended* him to love power and denji and take care of them, she was building this edifice so that the collapse would be that much more devastating. he died because makima understood the power and pain of real relationships and love, and it was all in the goal of punishing denji for being chosen by pochita. it was all because she never had it herself, and wanted it so badly, and aki and power were merely dolls for her to get what she thought she deserved. its so fucking cruel and evil and it is so fucking tragic for everyone involved including her.

but man akis arc is not "a lesson in the futility of revenge" or a punishment for his early singlemindedness. he did realize these things. he had them in his hands. he was going to succeed, he was protecting his family until the end. it's just that makimas control was so absolute, her chains so strong, he never had a chance anyway. none of them ever did!

[bokutobaes]

inarizaki boys when you have a bad day

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭ .・.

☆-with: atsumu, suna, kita

☆-!warnings!: swearing, parental issues, parents fighting, (there’s nothing physically violent), illness like the flu

☆-a/n: yall these are longgg LOL sorry

☆- author: lu <3

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭ .・.

☆ atsumu:

-his baby had a bad day :((

-just kidding he didn’t notice at first I’m so sorry nzjsjjsj

-your lockers are nearby so he’s usually waiting for you there first thing in the morning

-you woke up today with a headache and you were just really tired from studying last night :/

-you wanted to suck it up because it was your own fault for leaving the studying until the night before the test you had

-anyways, you were walking up to your locker lowkey trying to avoid eye contact with him

-“hi tsumu :)” u fricken liar with that fake smile

-“morning babe!” atsumu pulled u in for a back hug “i have to get to class kinda early for a test review so i’ll see you at lunch”

-and with that he was pecking your cheek and leaving

-“okay.. kind of good” you thought.. you didn’t wanna worry him or anything so you headed to you first class, math

-hell literally broke loose.. you forgot your pencil case and had to ask like 4 people until you got one which was embarrassing

-AND THEN the teacher called on you for an answer that you didn’t know like the universe

was against you or something

-“uhh... ummm i don’t know..” headass😩

-the class after that was slightly less dehumanizing but it was also japanese class.. the class you had a test in that you just barely studied for

-you did the test and lost braincells, blood sweat and tears LOL

-“okay class these will be graded by lunchtime so please come by to collect your scores before your next class”

-ogey :/ anyways u went to ur next class and before u knew it, it was lunch time.

-a text from atsumu made your phone vibrate while on your way to get your test scores

-“hey babe im actually gonna eat lunch with samu we’re practicing a bit at lunch”

-oh :) ok :) that’s fine :) not like u :) desperately:) need a hug :) right now :)

-“oh okay babe” you text back

-whatever u don’t need him independent queen

-that’s your mindset.. until you get those test scores

-it’s a literal fail .. did not pass the test.. ok..

-“y/n san, these test scores were not your usual best. I’m slightly disappointed, if there’s anything going on please let me know”

-“thank you sensei. i’ll do better next time.

-at this point you were just tying not to cry so you took your test and shouldered your bag and walked to a bench outside for some fresh air.

-right.. you didn’t bring lunch today

-so now you were hungry, tired, defeated, disappointed and lonely :,(

-the last class of your day went by quickly probably because you were zoned out the whole time

-the end of the day came and you were at your locker when your guardian texted you

-“Y/n, you had that test today right? I’m expecting to see the grade when your back home. Didn’t have time to make food tonight so find something to eat on your way home.”

-oh that test ? lol hahaha the one that you failed?! yeah that one haha lol lollll

-so with that, you started your walk home

-“y/n!!”

-fuck. atsumu.

-if you saw him now you knew you wouldn’t be able to hold in your tears and you really didn’t want to cry

-so your solution? pretend you didn’t hear him and walk faster lmfaokdhdh

-but atsumu, being.. well atsumu, decided to just full speed sprint towards you to put his shoulder around you

-“i literally know you heard me. i missed you today sorry about lun- why are you crying ?!!?”

-“bad day” you choked out before a shuddering gasp wracked your chest

-atsumu didn’t say anything he just wrapped you in a tight hug, petting you hair while you cried into his chest

-“its okay babe.. “ :(

-“you wanna come over? we can get food and cuddle”

-you nodded your head taking a shaky breath

-his hand reached out and wiped your tears, brushed your hair behind your ear and kissed your forehead like it was natural to him.

-and so you walked together hand in hand to atsumu’s house where you ate samu’s leftover onigiri and vented to atsumu about the day while you cuddled

-he also gave you a hoodie :,)

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭ .・.

☆ suna:

-“living is a chore :|” you thought as the alarm rang through your room ruining your peaceful sleep

-it was raining outside and your mind went back to last night, the screaming match your parents had

-normally you’d be used to it but it felt like they were starting to take the anger they had for each other out on you now

-you tried not to but you started thinking about all the things your mom had yelled to you through the closed door of your bedroom

-“your just like your father. you’re selfish, lazy and all you do is run around with that little boyfriend of yours! what about your family?! you think your better then us? why don’t you move out then since your so good at being independent?!”

-everything she said was always completely blown out of proportion, she lied all the time. it’s exhausting for you

-you started getting ready for school, you wanted to see suna and your friends and laugh and just forget last night even happened

-when you got to school suna was there at your locker scrolling lazily through his phone

-you smiled, genuinely as he looked up and greeted you with a smirk

-“nice hair.”

-“wha-“ you started and then smacked his arm when you realized that your baby hairs were out of sorts “shutup” you scowled

-“good morning” suna hugged you

-“good morning”

-now you were off to class, it always went by too fast, you thought. school was always done in the blink of an eye

-“what’re you doing at lunch?” your friend tapped your shoulder and whispered to you

-“mmm nothing probably why?”

-“let’s eat on the roof today! yui told me there’s gonna be a rainbow cuz it stopped raining.”

-“okay” you smiled

-now at lunch with your friends you ate the bento you had packed before. the rainbow was there and it was beautiful

-you were having fun just laughing with your friends and texting suna while he sent terrible photos of atsumu. things were good, you had forgotten about your mom

-until the end of the day came and you had to go back home

-as usual suna was at his locker waiting so that you could walk home together

-after crossing the street you and suna were at a bike path, trees surrounding the fences

-it was a comfortable silence until...

-“what’s wrong?”

-suna asking took you by surprise, you didn’t think you were acting any different. were you?

-“what are you talking about”

-“you look sad, you did this morning too but then you were fine the rest of the day so I didn’t say anything. but, you look sad again now”

-“oh..”

-so suna just saw right through you

-“ um.. i’m okay.. it’s just ..” you laughed dryly “i don’t really want to go home”

-“did something happen?”

-“yeah.. my parents were fighting, it turned into this whole thing.” you felt a lump in your throat start to form “i don’t really wanna talk about it”

-“okay. you should just come over then, right?”

-“can i?”

-“you literally don’t even have to ask me anymore y/n” suna grabbed your hand and led the way

-when you got there suna hopped on his couch and started putting on something from netflix

-“my parents aren’t home, my sister has a dance thing today” he grabbed a blanket and you sat down, putting your head in his lap

-suna put on a comedy show, of course he would

-he played with your hair while you watched and after an episode or two, he asked

-“do you want to talk about it now?”

-and so you did, you told him what happened last night and what your mom said. your plan was to not cry but that failed miserably

-suna listened intently, he told you the truth, he said that what she said wasn’t true, he told you you could sleepover whenever you needed to.

-kissed you and wrapped you back in the blanket

-“i love you, you know that right? always.”

-he always knew what to say and you loved him for that

-“i love you too, suna”

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。. .・。.・゜✭ .・.

☆ kita:

-kita knew, first thing he noticed when he saw you that you weren’t okay

-you woke up with a terrible headache, aching body and stomachache

-so this is it? this is hell? ok.

-but the test.. you had a test today. fortunately you had actually studied for weeks because you knew it was important

-mentally? you were ready for that test. physically? you had the spanish influenza

-so you weighed the options and decided you would go to school, take the test and then come back home after.

-the problem with that was that kita would in fact lecture you on all the reasons you should not have come to school

-he was right of course, but you still decided that you would need to avoid him for today

-spoiler alert it did not work

-your test was your third class of the day so you only had to get through 2 classes and you’d leave at lunch perfectly avoiding kita

-this was what you thought while you were at your locker until you closed it and walked directly into kitas chest

-“wow”

-“good morning y/n-chan”

-“morning kita! i have to go or I’ll be late!”

-you ran😭 and you almost got away too but kita grabbed your arm and pulled you to one side of the hallway

-he felt your forehead and both cheeks

-“you have a fever y/n”

-“no I don’t I’m just hot from walking to school”

-he said 😐

-you signed and rested your head on his chest letting your arms dangle

-“why did you come? you look sick”

-“thanks. I have a test.”

-“how do you feel?”

-you told him your symptoms but also that you were leaving right after the test and you could pull through

-he really didn’t want you to overwork yourself but he knew you were set on taking the test

-so he let you go and he made you promise to text him between classes and let him know if you felt any worse

-and off you went

-honestly, you were fine up until halfway through your second class.. then you started feeling really cold and tired even kind of nauseous

-then in the third class your test was put onto your desk and before you knew it your teacher was saying “begin”

-okay. you can do this you thought to yourself. the test was easy enough with how much you studied, you thought about every answer and you tried to finish quick

-but then it was like time cut itself in half and the bell for lunch was ringing

-you weren’t even done the test yet

-“y/n you can stay in here until your done but i expect you to have it finished soon”

-one question left

-you don’t even remember what you ended up putting before you were up and giving the paper to your teacher

-kita was right there when you left the classroom

-“hey ..hey.. y/n”

-you could barely hear him you just flopped into his arms

-“okay I’m taking you home.. “

-“but..”

-“shh let’s go”

-you don’t remember getting there but then you were in your bed smothered in pillows and blankets

-kita came in

-“what time is it?”

-he looked at his phone “half past 4”

-“4?!” you jolted up “did you even go back to school?” “kita?!”

-he smiled at you “no but it’s okay y/n it was only one day. i wanted to take care of you

-you noticed he had a steaming cup of something in his hands

-“what’s that” you asked

-“its tea, but it’s special tea :)”

-“what do you mean” you laughed

-“my grandma showed me how to make it, it’s gonna make you feel a lot better”

-he’s so cute...

-“kita... you didn’t have to do all this”

-“i wanted to” he sits beside you and hands you the tea

-literally tasted like heaven

-“mmmmm oh my god”

-kita laughed and kissed you on the cheek before joining you in the bed

-you cuddled and watched movies on your laptop until you fell asleep, comfortable in your boyfriends arms

[misqnon]

big long vent under cut

i'm really tired.

of this pandemic, of the world's reaction to it, of peoples worst sides coming out, of people moving on, of people acting like its back to normal now, of people not accommodating, of people having no sympathy or flexibility in a terrible time in the world.

and i don't just mean removing mask mandates and reopening the public. I mean people won't even accommodate for mental health issues or the sheer utter pressure everyone is under right now. even less than accommodating, they can't even lift the pressure or try to be a little more understanding. I saw a classmate say with everyone that's going on we should just give everyone an A this semester and be done with it.

I know that's an exaggeration, but God, the point they were making hits too hard. as a university student I am without a fucking break these past 2 years. i'll come back to this point.

im tired, and I'm angry. in fact I'm infuriated. stupid word, but I'm feeling a stupid fucking feeling. it's not that people haven't complained about the pandemic still being here- people have made the same point I'm making now. But I haven't see anyone say it with more than jjst a disappointed tone. I'm saying it with way more emotion than that.

every single day I get up and struggle to get out of bed from how utterly tired I am, and this is with 8 to 9 hours of sleep every night. I walk through the snow and slush to my car and I spent 10 minutes defrosting it and shaving it of ice. I drive to work and school with idiots who can't drive and on roads so full of potholes it should actually be a lawsuit. i go to classes for 10-11 hours a day, every day, and the workload is enormous and no less than it was pre-covid, if not more (I'm not kidding. they've incorporated things from covid times in IN ADDITION to the previous normal workload, so now there's even more to do and think about)

I consider taking the bus every day but never do, and I walk 15 minutes to my car in the snow and wind again to drive home.

The worst and best moment of every day is finally getting in my car after all of this and taking off my mask(s) to realize how raw my ears are from the mask straps, how cold my face is, how my nose is running and has gotten snot all over the inside of my mask,which has smeared on my face, how my bones ache, my nose has a red line where my mask sat.

And I sit there and arrange my shit and get ready to drive home where I can rest for only a couple hours in between chores and tasks and more homework before I go to sleep and do it all again.

the professors don't care that we've lived through, and are living through, a pandemic. We lived through an insurrection. We're possibly about to live through another world War. And aside from these major things we live through social issue after social issue of minorities being fucking pummeled into submission and oppression

But thr workload is the same. The grading is the same. There is no "these kids have been through a lot lately, I'm gonna grade them a little easy." there isn't even a lenient attendance policy anymore. Some classes I'm in only allow 2 absences per semester before you go down an entire letter grade on your third absence. 4 absences in one semester and you fail the class.

In one class we all hate and have been struggling in we had a mechanical issue (nkt the students fault) that affected everyone that set everyone back a few weeks. But the amount of work to be turned in at the end of the semester hasn't changed despite this.

our school doesn't require the vaccine, it doesn't regulate large frat parties, it doesn't even allow workers to tell people to wear a mask even tho8gh it's required.

classes are 100% in person and full capacity despite everything.

but they still want us to to as much work as we used to and at the same quality.

We are all fucking tired. Actually. We are fucking exhausted. I feel like a fucking machine that just repeats work over and over again every day and I'm breaking more and more. More tired each day. But the world doesn't give the compassion it should in response to all this.

[wasteyrselfkid]

on turning 21 and other things,

(tw: suicide, mental illness)

i'm okay with being alone on most days, in fact, i love being all alone in my room all day. a book i read a while ago said 'i never found the companion that was so companionable as solitude' and i agree for the most part but sometimes the loneliness gets so overwhelming that being alone feels almost scary, especially on your birthday. i guess loneliness really sets in when you're finishing another revolution around the earth all alone in your bedroom but it's not like i felt any less lonely when I was surrounded by people i know in a crowded club in delhi. I guess what im trying to say is that I am bound to feel this sense of loneliness on every birthday. I fell asleep after writing the last sentence because it got too much even though I told my best friend I need to lie down and cut the call. maybe I just wanted to end the day on a sad note because that's what I've known since I stopped opening birthday gifts on the living room floor at my old house after all my friends left... and i was too distracted or unaware for a lack of better word that everything is not as great as it might seem for a moment.

i never finished writing this and it's been almost a month since i've turned 21. i won't lie i never thought i'd make it to 21. i'm surprised but i won't say i'm not disappointed. last year, on my birthday, once again alone in my room - crying, i promised myself that i'm going to try to become better in every way possible and actually put in the little will and hope i have into taking care of myself and see how it goes till my next birthday. if it doesn't work out, 21 doesn't sound like the worst age to disappear. i made it to 21, a little better in every way possible, still fucking sad from time to time, but i did everything i could or so i say. but i made the same promise myself to again and to be fair, it's not a bad deal. it's ironic that i'm postponing my demise in hopes that i get better, not even happy and content, just better. isn't that what everyone does until they realise it doesn't get better? i won't lie, on a day like today, it feels like it won't get better. but the little voice at the back of my head tries to convince me that it does and until my next birthday, i'll try believing her.

i don't think my life sucks, i don't think i suck either, i just find it extra hard to live life the way its supposed to be lived - to wake up, brush my teeth, work, talk to my friends and family, all of it. it doesn't come easily to me and it never has. even though, anyone who is even close to me or lives in the same house as me, would think that i've got my shit together in every sense possible - i wake up, brush my teeth, work, talk to friends and family, all of it. but every night before i go to bed, i can feel life draining out of me. every consecutive day it gets harder to wake up, i can't even fathom brushing my teeth on some days, and at times, for weeks. i don't know if this is how life is supposed to be lived, in fact, i know even if there's no one correct way to live - this definitely does not come under it. i guess having a couple of screws loose in your head makes you feel grey in every sense possible. even on your birthday. even when you're going to meet your best friend after months. even when you achieve things. it's tiring to experience pain so greatly and pleasure so fleetingly.

thinking about the future has never been exciting, not when i was 13, not now, not ever. how can something that i cannot guarantee be exciting? if anything, it's nerve-wracking. but to disappear forever as a last resort, if nothing works out, is so so so comforting. even though it's at the cost of disappointing everyone around you, but when you've been selfless your entire life - putting everyone else before yourself, this amount of disappointment is warranted for. and i hate the idea of not ending your life because it will disappoint other people, and i never think about this but what about me? how do i feel? i don't know how i feel about turning 21, i don't feel a lot of things these days. i've been living on autopilot. i don't feel the same love i felt for my friends. i can see my family disintegrating day by day and it has been years, i can only wait for it to crumble completely now. i don't feel as scared about losing my boyfriend anymore. i don't feel excited or nervous about future prospects. i don't feel anything about how i look, i don't even care to look at myself in the mirror anymore. i don't feel much but i do think a lot.

everyday i get closer and closer to just disappearing, not dying, but just disappearing from everywhere and everyone's lives. what kind of life is it when you're exhausted at the thought of speaking to your closest friends? what kind of life is it when your favourite hobbies start feeling like chores that require you to move mountains? what kind of life is it when you look into the mirror or your front camera and you don't recognise yourself anymore? what kind of life is it when you don't even care to listen to music or watch movies and use books as an escape, not for pleasure, but just to feel like you're doing something, if nothing at all? what kind of life is it when you don't feel like taking pictures of anything anymore, but you do anyway, because what if your next birthday is your last and people will have more of something to remember you by?

i guess what i'm trying to say is that turning 21 doesn't feel any different than turning any other age, my entire life has been one big blob of grey and as i get older, the blob keeps getting greyer and smaller. i found time to write this today because something disrupted my autopilot mode routine - i did nothing, i cried a little, i smoked a cigarette and thought about all the work i had to do, i skipped my workout. that made me feel shitty enough to sit down and continue writing this. i wonder if when i started writing this, it was meant to be much more hopeful - about how i enjoy solitude and i don't need anyone. and this still holds true. on most days, i'd rather be alone than with anyone. i can probably go days without speaking to people. but what kind of life is it...to enjoy solitude because you're too tired for anything else? and what kind of life is it that requires you to function like a robot to feel alright? and what kind of life is it that this is the kind of blog-post you write on turning 21?

[maywildflowers]

im tired

Harley Keener is tired.

Every day is a goddamn chore. It’s more energy than he feels that he has to pull himself from bed. Today, he’s able to make it in the shower and clean himself. He gets his teeth brushed. His jeans pulled on and his shoes tied. He’s been awake for half an hour and he’s thinking he can’t do anything but get back in bed.

You’re tired, he thinks. Just go to sleep. It’s okay.

And he could. He knows he could sleep all day, maybe roll over and fall asleep again into the night. He’s exhausted. It’s hard to continue, and he isn’t sure he can keep going. He has to. But he can’t.

“Hey, baby,” Peter says from the kitchen. He’s holding two peanut butter smoothies and a banana. “I made your favorite!”

“Yeah,” Harley answers tightly. “I can smell the peanut butter.”

Peter tilts his head. “Harls?”

Harley feels his lip tremble and shakes his head.

“Oh,” Peter sighs. He puts down the smoothies and pushes up the sleeves of his shirt. “Oh, Harley.”

Harley sucks in a breath. “I’m trying. I’m trying, but the past three days have been bad, and I-I-I can’t, honey, I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.”

“Can’t what?” Peter asks in a whisper, raking his fingers through Harley’s hair. “What can’t you do?”

“Today,” he hisses. “I can’t do today. I’m so tired, Peter, I can’t do it. Everyone wants me to be better and I want to be better, but I’m just…I’m not. I’m not strong enough. I can’t.”

Peter’s arms encircle Harley. They sink to the ground in the living room of their tiny apartment, Peter shushing Harley as sobs claw their way out of his chest. “I know, baby, I’m so sorry this is happening. It’s okay. I’ve got you, and you are strong enough.”

Harley shakes his head again. His throat is raw, it aches with the force of everything he’s decided not to feel over the last couple days. The compulsion to sleep, the falseness of his smiles…the desire to just stop hearing his mind roll over on itself. It’s all finding its way into the open and it hurts.

“You are,” Peter argues, holding tighter. “Fuck, Harley, I promise you are. It doesn’t feel like it, and that’s okay right now. Its okay to be tired, it doesn’t mean you’re weak. You’re just fighting a battle all day, every day, and on bad days. If you’re tired, it means you’re putting the effort in. And you can stop, for today. Let me fight for you instead, alright?”

“H-How?” Harley asks, nails digging into Peter’s skin. “How can you do it, how, I can’t—”

“I don’t know.” Peter’s voice is honest and a little broken. “I don’t know, but I will figure it out, goddamn it. You and I, we’re gonna get through this. It isn’t just your fight. I’ll take it to.”

“You can’t.”

“Fuck if I can’t. Its our fight. You and me against your demons, yeah?”

Harley doesn’t feel…better, exactly, but he does feel something. A solid footing in Peter’s embrace, as if the ground is back under him. He’s still sick, he’s still tired, but he isn’t…falling. He’s got Peter. The smell of Peter’s cologne, the feel of his sweater, the sound of his heartbeat. It’s there. It’s his rock. It’s his stability, for now. He doesn’t have his own, so he twists his hands tighter into Peter’s shirt and holds on.

It’s our fight. You and me against your demons, yeah?

Yeah, Harley thinks. You and me.

[s-omething]

i reaaaaaaaaally wanted to do this and now the feeling is gone actually that is good because now i have somewhere to start, and its exaclty that i really want to start drwaing again, i really want to start reading again, watching stuff i like again, loving something, tattooing, planning, making, creating, i really want to do everything nothing feels how it should or used to, nothing hits, nothing makes me feel anything, im deeply bored by everything and right now talking about it, i thought i would feel something, like i usually feel when im writing, but nothing comes and i rlly feel like stopping right here of course i wont, im not just gonna give up.  point is, im bored, i have all these references in my head, all that pop culture where characters feel exactly lke this, fiction where i can see myself not having to look directly at me, where it hurts the most.  “i got bored one day and i put everything in a bagel” and “i dont feel anything. it is so boring (...) i try to find ways of making myself feel something more and more and it doesnt make any difference, i hurt myself, it doesnt hurt. i buy what i want, i dont want it. i do what i like, i dont like it.” and at some points i just dont care anymore, im just waiting and waiting, i almost think “maybe in two or three months when things start happening, i just have to wait until then, and life will start and i will feel something again and i just wait, and it is so stupid to accept such thing when i have this suffocating fear of losing my life, wasting my youth.  and its “and i wake up in the middle of the night, its like i can feel time moving. how can a person know everything at 18 but nothing at 22?”  and oh all of Sidelines, if im being honest “im not afraid of anything at all, not dying in a fire not being broke again. im not afraid of living on a fault line cause nothing ever shakes me, nothing makes me cry...”  and yes everything else a burning hill says it too in general, it almost feels like life stopped and since it stopped, i should not feel anything but shit keep happening and life continues moving and moving and going away i dont want to be stuck!!!! i hate it, i hate not moving, its impossible actually to just stay still, and being bored feels like being dead so sometimes  this bursts inside me and i feel everything i feel alive and its so strong that i want to scream and laugh and sing and do everything and i feel llike time is not enough for all the things i want to do and live and that sometimes depresses me into not doing a single thing i feel suffocated when time is moving too fast too, i guess and i stay awake too much and even tho im tired, im euphoric and i do things that i should have done like cleaning and doing general chores.  but then i get exhausted fast and suddenly im sleeping too much again, not trying anything, not doing anything i get stuck on scrolling for hours and hours and i really wasted hole days like that, almost everyday high or drunk or both, which helps a lot with feeling boredom because when im not sober, being bored doesnt hurt, it turns into... being alone in a good way, with no problem, no time, nothing, just alone and completely quiet. but im still not here and floating around is not how i want to spend my youth.  i want to create, to connect and scream, laugh, cry like im dying just because i am, because im alive, and i want to feel very fucking alive and fuck, besides all of this, i feel completely okay, or just so numb that nothing rlly hurts, so im just... ok  i might spend all days meditating to believe im just a rock, you know? maybe thats what i need, to be here? but being a rock lifts all of the worries away, cause nothing matters irght? that movie knows everything, fuck!!! im not sure if writing about all this has done something, i dont feel like anything rlly shifted in me, and i was rlly hoping it would i was hoping i  would get some clarity and understand all the connections about the state i am, understand where they come from and where they will go, how to change it, just anything i guess i will just wait for the next time i go crazy and feel everything again, hope it happens soon

[sansfangirl4life-blog]

Souls of Glass Chapter 5

A timeskip and some insight into poor Lost’s depression QwQ My poor baby

Lost is mone, and Undervirus belongs to @jeyawue

Chapter 5

Three weeks later....

Lost hummed as he pushed the vacuum around the house, ear buds in his ears. "Take me down to the river bend...." He pushed it along the carpet, his bare feet enjoying the feeling of the soft material beneath it.

"Ya look goofy." Xans said as he flipped through a book, chewing on some gum. He blew a large bubble and it gave a soft 'pop' as Lost looked his way. "I mean, Vapyrus usually does this."

"Well I don't see you helping with chores. And besides, Vapyrus is outside tending to the flowers with Frisk today." Lost said, turning his music back on. Xans smirked and pulled a screen up, flipping through songs until hitting one. Lost frowned when the song changed and he glared at Xans as he laughed. "Quit messing with my music!"

"Aww, c'mon! I wanna see ya 'dansen'."

"Ugh...." Lost's blue eye flashed and Xans was lifted into the air, hanging upside down. More magic surrounded the couch as he vacuumed under it before placing it gently back down, and depositing Xans on the floor roughly.

"Ow!"

"Serves you right." The teen huffed and continued to clean, changing his music back. Xans smirked and his large, data wings formed and he flew over Lost and back to the couch. "Why don't you help Sans clean up in the kitchen?"

"Cause I don't want to." Lost rolled his eyes and continued cleaning. Xans took a moment to look the young man over, his teal and green eyes narrowed slightly. He's getting circles under his eyes....is he not sleeping? He frowned and shook his head. Nah that ain't right. He sleeps like a log. He watched Lost finish up and put the vacuum away. "Did that wear ya out?"

"Hmm? No, I'm fine." Lost stretched and headed to the kitchen. Xans scowled a little and put his book down, following him. Sans was at the sink, scrubbing the dishes with a pink apron over his clothes. "You need any help?"

"No, I'm fine. Thanks for asking Lost. They're almost done." Sans smiled and Xans felt his scowl deepen looking at the two of them. He used his own magic to yank Lost to him and looked into his eyes.

"What the hell Xans?!" Xans smirked and leaned in close, his lips ghosting over his captive's. "Let me go Xans."

"Heh, last time ya said that....ya were begging for a different kind of 'release', no?" Just as Xans hoped, Lost's face turned beet red and he licked his lips. "If ya want....I can do that again."

"Fuck off!" Lost shoved him away and stormed outside as Xans watched him go. Sans stood in front of him, having finished and hung the apron up.

"Do you always have to be such a damned prick?" He asked. Xans looked down at him and clicked his tongue slightly. "You don't need to be so rude."

"I ain't actin' any different just because he doesn't like it." Xans said, shrugging. He turned to see Lost outside, kneeling next to Vapyrus and Frisk, helping them pull weeds. He walked outside and leaned against the door, watching them all interact. Sans teleported beside him and sighed. "What now?"

"I've noticed that he never looks at her when he talks to her."

"Who, ya mean Frisk?"

"Yeah....I asked Valphys to look some info up on why...her and Gaster are currently looking at information but it feels kinda...invasive." Xans just chuckled and Sans frowned. "You just made that dirty, didn't you...."

"Heh, I could go for an 'in depth' look if ya want."

"Ugh, Xans no." Sans shook his head. Xans leaned in close and Sans could feel the smirk against his skull.

"That wasn't what ya said a week ago Sans~...." Sans rolled his eyes and pushed him back. "Heh, just messin' with ya." Xans watched as Loat helped them plant a few new flowers, showing her how to do it. "Although he does have rather nimble fingers it seems..."

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Footsteps crunched the snow beneath his feet as he wandered in the dark. He felt the cold through his hoodie and shirt, the chill air like ice in his veins. Why...why is it so cold? Was it always this cold? Lost wondered as he wandered around. There was no moon above him, yet he could see his surroundings with ease. This looks like the woods but...it feels different...

He zipped his hoodie up and continued walking when he heard a familiar growling sound. Amalgams.... He held his hand out, but when no magic formed he froze. No....no what's happening?!  The noises grew louder and he felt terror grip at his soul. I....can't fight back? What's going on?!

He turned around and began to run. The tree branches seemed to grab at his clothes, like icy hands tearing at his clothes. He tripped over something and fell face first into the snow. "N-Ngh...." He wiped his face away, only to freeze when he noticed what was on his face. "D.....dust..."

"Help us...." Lost turned around as the voice echoed in the distance. Something grabbed his leg and he tugged away. A hand made of dust released him, but tried to grab him again. "Help....please...."

"We're so scared...." Another hand grabbed his left leg, the hand hot and sticky. He looked down to see the hand was formed of blood and bone, the bone piercing his pale skin. He shook and screamed, trying to get out of their hold.

"Let me go!"

"Please help!"

"They're coming!"

"They'll eat us!"

"No...no stop....stop it please!" Lost could hear loud, pounding footsteps coming and his eyes widened. The creature was large and dripping, the smell of its breath like rotting corpses and mold. The creature loomed before him and his Soul seized up. "L...let go..."

"It's coming....."

"It's there...."

"It's here!"

"Ah!" Lost's eyes snapped open and he fell out of his bed. He rubbed his head, groaning slightly. "Ugh......damnit...." He listened for a few moments, sighing when no one stirred in the house. "Good...didn't wake anyone." He slowly stood up and sat on the edge of his bed, burying his face in his hands. "Fuck.....what the hell is with these nightmares?" He walked over to the coatrack and slipped on his blue hoodie, then he put on his usual slippers. He grabbed the small cellphone Frisk had gotten him and headed outside.

Locking the door behind him, he breathed in the night air and began to slowly walk down the street. I've forgotten why I never slept... he thought, hand stuffed in his pockets. He looked up at the sky, his sharp eyes still able to pick out a few, dim stars, the rest blocked by city lights. He wandered into the deserted park, glancing around before sitting on an iron bench.

The moon shone down gently on the pond, the small stirrings on the water making the reflection waver. It's a rather peaceful night out here... He smiled a little. It's so calm and quiet.... Lost sighed and looked down at his hands. Do I...even deserve this kind of peace? After everything I've done.... He gripped his hands into a tight fist, nails almost cutting skin. After all the lives these hands have stolen....do I dare to even think I deserve this chance?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Xans walked down the street, a slight limp to his steps. "Heh, damn that guy really hit me hard..." He smirked and licked his lips. "Then again...I was able ta give as much as he took..." He chuckled to himself before stopping. A streetlight flickered above him as he looked around. Huh.... He closed his eyes and focused before he picked up on a familiar presence. Lost? What the hell is he doin' out 'ere?

He snuck behind a tree to watch the young man gazing out at the water. He had an odd, lonely look to him that made Xans's Soul and gut twinge at the sight. The moonlight made the white tips of his hair and skin give off a faint glow. To Xans, in that brief moment, he almost looked ethereal. The moonlight was covered by a cloud and the moment passed. Huh....

"I just...don't know..." Lost whispered to himself before sighing. Xans walked over and Lost turned, red eye flashing as a faint red glow covered his left hand. 

"Who-"

"Take it easy there Lost." Xans raised his hands and the glow faded. "Yeesh, ya glow around every handsome guy ya come across?" Lost just shook his head and Xans frowned. Huh....he usually retorts....what the fuck?

"Sorry Xans." Xans just stared at him as he turned back around. His shoulders were slightly slumped, making him almost look small in the shadows of the trees around them. "I just...I'm tired." Xans frown deepened as Lost brought his legs up to his chest, resting his chin on his knees. Xans moved and sat next to him, wincing a little as his still sore rear sat on the iron.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"There's nothing to talk about." Lost said quickly. "Just....I'm just tired."

"Of?"

"......I don't really know. Everything and nothing...." He admitted softly. 

"Life...death....pain and joy.....just..." He sighed and shook his head, hiding his face behind his legs. "I don't know." Xans placed an arm around Lost's shoulders, feeling him flinch and almost pull away. But he stopped and instead let the virus pull him gently closer.

"I don' have a fucking clue what's eatin' at ya. And yer refusal to talk about it doesn't help out much." He felt Lost tighten his grip on himself and shook his head. "But...ya don't have to worry. Ya got people here ta lean on, alright?" He felt Lost slump against him and he turned to him. "Oi, Lost?" Lost's legs slid from where they had been and for a small moment, Xans felt panic grip him. "Lost?!" He looked down and sighed when he saw Lost's face. Sleeping...ya damned jerk.

He watched as Lost shifted a little closer as a breeze blew past, making him shiver. Heh...ya'd prolly be blushin' like mad right now if ya were awake... He thought. He brushed a few strands from Lost's forehead to gaze down at his face. Dark circles were visible under his eyes, and Xans noticed how his body sagged from exhaustion. He sighed and looked up at the night sky. I can't wake 'im up. He looks.....happy. Xans frowned and looked back down at him. Happy, huh? Ta be fair...he's never happy around me. Then again I tease the shit outta him, but... Lost's head slipped against his shoulder, leaving a comforting warmth.

Xans watched as his chest rose and fell, his breathing even and deep. He shifted and lifted Lost into his arms with ease. "Alrighty...let's get home, hmm? So we're not sleepin' out here and catching a cold." He closed his eyes and focused on the living room. He opened them and he frowned a bit. He was standing in the kitchen, just a few feet from the blanketed couch and roll out bed. Weird...I know I teleported us ta the living room....whatever.

He walked over and placed Lost on his bed after removing his slippers and hoodie. Hanging the jacket up and placing the slippers by his bed, he made his way under the covers on the couch. Lost had turned to face him in his sleep, letting out a soft sigh and a tiny smile graced his features. Whatever the hell is eating at ya Lost...I hope it isn't that bad. Yer with all of us after all.... He smiled a little and closed his eyes. Night Lost....ya big softie.

[escriturasss]

'And five six seven eight'

'One two three four five six, no Yeonjun you have to move your shoulders not your arms. Like this'

Yeonjun passed a hand through his hair and sighed frustrated. The choreographer went to where he was standing and gave him a bottle of water.

'Easy dance machine, everyone were having a break of 5m, dont cool off ok?' Eunji said after taking a look at the exhausted boys.

It was a thursday. God how Eunji hated thrusdays. It wasnt her longest day of work, or her day off where she had to make every chore in the house because her roommate didnt show up till 9pm.

She hated thursdays because she choreographs new dances to tomorrow by together. And although they were sweet to her and always fun to teach them, it was a pain in the ass when one of them grew frustrated for a step that "didnt feel right".

'Eunji i didnt understand that step too, do i have to move my arm up this way and then...' Soobin walked towards her and try to immitate the movement previously shown.

'And then?' Eunji tried to repress her laugh. For her, it was cute to see hoe her students tried to guess what or how she did what she did.

'Thats it' Soobin grasped his hands giving a shy and tired smile.

'Dont worry after this break ill show you guys once more' then she turned up and raised her voice so all of them could listen to her. 'Okay guys we have like 2hs more of practice and i kinda smell so, im gonna change clothes-its so hot in here i dont know what i didnt put some shorts- and then ill show you this part once more and you can practice whatever you want'.

'So we have like and hour or so to do whatever dance we want?'

'Good question, Taehyun. Yes and no. I need to make a choreo for MAMAs and i want to make each of you stand out.'

'So do you want us to improvise?'

Eunji nodded while sipping water of her bottle.

'Im gonna change real quick'

Eunji sighed while in the restroom. Pulling her pants off and changing them for some shorts she started to wonder if they should end the day. It was hot, she felt sticky, smelly, and the worse part it was the day felt humid.

It felt humid.

And spare her a moment but her knee hurted really bad.

Eunji sighed again and left the restroom.

---------------------

'FUCKING FINALLY'

'Kai, language'

'Kai, language' mocked the younger.

Eunji sat besides Taehyun on the floor and watched how Beomgyu and Kai began to bicker. Again.

'Dont you ever get tired of this shit' asked Eunji irritated.

'Nah, its pretty normal actually. When theyre frustated or tired Beomgyu always goes to Kai and tries to cheer him up. And him in the meantime.'

'Pff pussies. From where im from, if people started bickering we would shut them off'

'How?' Asked Taehyun only because he knew he was gonna hear some bullshit.

'Punching them'

Taehyun smirked. 'Argentinians seems so violent'

'Nah thats just me. Look want me to shut them off in spanish' Her friend nodded. She inhaled and shouted 'se pueden dejar de romper las pelotas son como las 11 de la noche callense o los duermo de una patada en la cabeza!'

Beomgyu and Kai stared at her.

'I dont know what to feel about that'

'Me neither' responded the older 'i didnt understand anything but it didnt sound kind'

'It wasnt' said the woman.

----------------------------

After her shift of eight hours her day ended. Eunji started to collect her things while trying to distract herself off her knee.

'Hey'

She froze. 'God dammit everything was sailing so well'

'What is that supposed to mean'

'I dont know Beomgyu, what do you think'

Beomgyu stared at her with tired eyes.

Eunji broke their staring contest and sighed.

She sighs a lot.

'I had a long day and you too. Can we just skip whatever deepshit you want to ask tonight?'

Beomgyu laughed. 'I want to ask if youre okay like i see youre strugling with your left leg'

'You know im not, it was awful today' she took her bag and the two of them began to walk towards the door. 'I mean yeah it hurts but i can manage'

'I know you do but that doesnt mean you have to'

'Not this again. Listen, im okay. Im really okay. I lived with this half my life so im pretty used to it.'

'Okay but can i help you in any form'

Eunji watched at the boy in front of her. She smiled.

'Yes, actually take this. Its pretty heavy' she handed him her bag. 'And ask that stupid question that lets you stay awake at night'

[serenavonromvesen]

September 21st, 2019.

I really don’t know where else to vent but on tumblr. I have always used tumblr as an outlet for venting and I’m reaching a point where I really just need to write out how I’m feeling, without cramping my hand writing with pen and paper.

I feel really lonely as far as friends go. I have an AMAZING group of friends, but so many of them live far away. I have my tribe and I feel I will always have that, but its never the same as having lady friends, I literally have like three or four ladyfriends that I can actually hang out with in person, and only one of them is someone I didnt meet through my boyfriend first. its not that I have anything I want to share behind him, its that I always feel like on some level they’re always more his friend than mine- and at that, I didn’t choose most of them to be in my life, they were given to me. don’t get me wrong, I’m SO grateful for anyone I do have currently in my life. I just don’t have any friends who truly understand me, and especially not that are into the things that I am. I would love so much to be able to be friends with another tattoo model in my area, and ACTUALLY genuinely have a real friendship. I emphasize ‘genuinely’ because this industry is FULL of backstabbing bitches that would throw you in front of a bus to get one more step ahead of you. I just want a girl I can hang out with all the time SO bad. and the one person here who is awesome, works like ALLLLL the time. it sucks pretty bad when you only have one true friend and they end up getting way too busy for you. she’s supposed to move away anyways she said, so I guess I better get used to it now anyways. I’m just so sad of having no girls to actually hang out with. Skyping with my best friend is great, but it just isnt the same- and a lot of time I do get put aside compared to actually going to hang out with people anyways. which i dont have here.

now, I’m SUPER introverted, nervous, shy, socially awkward AND anxious, and sometimes I have a hard time making normal conversation. in fact, I am always secretly bothered by the fact that I’m PRETTY SURE i have some form of Autism, but I would never actually say that I am being diagnosed, but I am terrified to find out. I once emailed a place to ask some questions and set an appointment, but I never heard back.. that was i think last year. Anyways, I don’t want a ton of friends or anything. I dont want to hang out every day- it’s exhausting. but I still want the option to be able to call someone up in those rare days where I do feel like going outside or seeing people, to actually have fun. I used to have that in New Jersey, my group of girls that I hang with an we all really support each other. I miss them so bad. I am SO homesick for like, the last two years now. I try not to think about it if I can help it, but I miss my friends, I miss my mom.. I hate that I’m missing my baby cousins grow up, I hate that I’ve FINALLY made a connection with some of my cousins and now I’ll rarely ever see them, I hate that I can’t do body suspensions more often, I hate that I don’t get to see my brother Sean when he visits... but most of all I do HATE New Jersey and could never live there. I just wish so bad it hadn’t been like 4-5 years since I’ve seen my friends and family. it hurts. I’m so homesick for just the strong friendships I have.

I just...know its possible. I know its possible to have the small group of friends I want. I just wish girls weren’t so...mean and competitive. I just feel so lonely. I feel like I don’t have anyone to hang out with thats a female. why is everyone so far away? I’m home alone all day every day. you’d think a puppy wouldve made me feel less alone, but really I’m a thousand times more stressed than ever. I wanted to move for a fresh start, to breathe, so enjoy peace...and as soon as I got here everyones over all the time and it just reminds me how I dont have friends of my own, and how my friends dont come to visit me, and how I never get a second to myself. I finally got the chance and heres this puppy. i love him with my life but I AM SO STRESSED!!! I’m with him 10-14 hours a day by myself and then half of the time I’m still the one dealing with him at the crack of dawn, too. I never get time alone unless he sleeps and then I have to walk on eggshells to not wake him up- AND I DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING WANT THIS!!! when I was forced to give up my other pupper, Hades, I said I never wanted a puppy again because IT IS TOO MUCH FOR ME. it puts me on edge and greatly disrupts my bipolar. i literally CANT handle it. I said I would get a dog no younger than 2 years old. I wanted a border coli so bad, maybe even a doberman because I still miss my old dog Max SO MUCH! I like bigger dogs and never really was a big fan of little dogs. I like a dog I can give a whole ass hug to, and feel protected by when I walk alone down a street with him. but no, Michael had to choose, he wanted a puppy, he wanted a small-type pure bred dog which means it’ll be twice as expensive twice as often with vet visits. but he wanted it. he insisted. and now, here we are, just like scooping the litter boxes for all 4 cats, its pretty much almost entirely left on me to do. for so so long I told myself “well he works and I dont really work, I’m home all day and hes not here much to have the time for it.” but you know what I realized? That when I worked full time at Starbucks, or when I worked two jobs at both the Smoke Shoppe AND Spencers, that I still put in the same amount of work as all of this- I was still expected to do all of this. at that, I am SO SICK AND TIRED of him asking me EVERY FUCKING DAY “will you mop today? will you do the laundry? will you do that dogs medicine? will you change the cat boxes?” periodically throughout every morning. like oh, I didn’t realize that I was a fucking 4 year old that needs direction on needing to do basic fucking cleaning tasks!!!!! the only reason I dont get to half that stuff most of the time is that I’m annoyed as fuck at being told what to do / treated that way, and that by the time he leaves for work theres been a whole fucking list of shit lined up that I now feel EXPECTED to do before hes home from work. it literally aggravates me SO MUCH just typing about it because im so fucking pissed off that he does this EVERYMOTHERFUCKINGDAY. it makes me feel angry and completely overwhelmed and then I just spend my entire day dreading it then rushing to do it right before he gets home from work. I just fucking hate it. like I’m fucking 25 years old, I know what the fuck to do to keep the fucking house clean, thanks.

at that, between the no friends, the fucking belittlement of being given a verbal list of chores every day, and the stress from puppy I absolutely did NOT ask for, I am feeling so depressed. I wanted a new house so I could ENJOY it, but instead any moment in my backyard is spent trying to get the puppy to stop eating random crap the people before us left- like glass, I cant enjoy how the inside looks because theres puppy training pads all over the floor which the floor is always dirty because of being in and out of the house with the puppy, or just even a moment of peace at all. like literally this defeated the whole entire purpose of wanting to move. its still a gazillion times better than the trailer, I still totally love this house, but because of my stress and loneliness level, I feel nearly just as depressed as before.

what doesnt help is lately Michael has been SO negative abut things. it’s like when I finally am enjoying myself, he comes through like a wrecking ball being negative, depressing, unsupportive, argumentative, and just plain giving off vibes that make me feel so down. He still makes me feel super happy like 98% of the time, but it is such a downer when hes being super negative about EVERYTHING. or when he gets my hopes up about things and then goes back on his word. he LOVES to tell me yes to shut me up then saying no when it becomes real, a mega part of why I haven’t gotten to visit my family in 4 years. and then he makes me feel SO bad about it. he has no problem bragging to everyone about a vacation, but when its just us suddenly its “I have to do this on my own” and “it’s expensive” like really? thanks for bragging about it for two months, waiting until we have it a month away to tell me its 100% on me to plan it, then complain about everything I tried to plan, WHILE making me feel like a complete and utter loser that I’m a failure at everything I try to do so now I don’t make any money. I literally fucking hate myself again. that’s where I’m at. I’m starting to find my body, my hair, my face- all of it repulsive. I hate how I look. I hate my hair and how my dreads are all lose, but I have to ask him for money to be able to fix my hair. he always tells me just ask and it isnt a problem but then when I do want to do things he makes me wait ages and puts it off or flat out complains- or if it all goes smoothly he throws it in my face the first fight we have. I just feel like such a fucking loser, that’s getting uglier by the day. and when I finally worked up the courage to go to the gym, its like pulling teeth to get him to go- I’ve been asking for a year and we STILL haven’t gone. I want to be a breakdancer SO BAD and I’ll never get to do that if I can’t go to the gym to work out. he tells me to just go but he doesnt understand that being a woman alone in public these days you’re at extreme risk of being raped and 10/10 multiple dudes will trying saying gross things and hitting on you/catcalling. I wish so so so so so bad I could go out for a day and have not a soul talk to me or look at me. what a dream that would be. I just cant go alone. its literally dangerous. scary.

I just feel so STUCK. I want to make money so I can contribute to the house and pay for what I need MYSELF. I never ever liked being someone who fully depends on someone like that. hell, a decade ago I refused to let anyone even get me a simple drink from a convenience store. it still feels uncomfortable to have to be like this. I want to be able to take care of myself. to know that if it was just me that I wouldnt just...be out on the streets. now I’m getting married and its a great relief that thats a less legitimate fear, but I still want to be able to take care of myself so that I could help my babe. he works SO hard for us and spends SO much money taking care of us, I just want to be able to pay my part of that and make HIS life easier, so that we BOTH can do more things that we like instead of just paying bills till the next check. I feel so useless and worthless. but everything I try to do I just fail at, or I’m too depressed and just lose the passion for it. or the will to do nearly anything. I really thought moving was going to change everything for me but... I feel nearly just as depressed. the environment change has definitely helped but, it didn’t suddenly cure my depression like I hoped for..

I just feel so alone, in like, literally everything I try to do. I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. when I do think I fit in, it just turns out to be a delayed rejection. I swear I get screwed over and stabbed in the back more often than anyone I’ve ever met in my life. I’m easily forgotten and definitely easy to fuck over. I just wish people werent so hateful and selfish... all I want is to have female friends I can actually hang out with, have some help with my puppy, to talk to my fiance without him thinking I’m having an argument, to workout so I can dance, and to do something I love that makes me happy that I can make money with. I feel like I failed as a model too. I make all these plans and then.. I can never accomplish them. I often think, is it worth it really? to compete with all these girls when I dont care about competition? to be screwed over because I’m an opponent to everyone I wish I was friends with? to try and build working-relationships with photographers who seem to forget about me before I even get my pictures back? to not be paid for modeling when I spent tons of money on clothes for shoots? to not have my name out there after a year and a half? to not even be able to find a photographer that wants to shoot for publication? or be told I’m not inked enough to shoot again (the day after I got tattooed?)? I just feel like a failure. I spent over a thousand dollars on clothes for shoots, plus all traveling expenses, to have only ever profited $50 one time and then never get my edited photos back. I just feel like I’m not worth anything, that I can’t contribute or make money without making myself excessively unhappy working jobs I hate- only to be belittled there too.

I don’t even care about social media anymore. I don’t care to check instagram or post on it. why? so I can spend two hours doing makeup so I could post a selfie to write another caption telling everyone that “one day” I’ll do more? what’s the point? If only I had someone I could invite over to talk to about it :( I just feel so...unexcited by everything. like Stan in the episode about shit. I’m bored, I feel gross, I feel lonely, I’m overwhelmingly stressed, I’m growing to hate myself again, and I feel like I don’t have the positive influence I need to get better. I WANT to get better, I just need help and I don’t have anyone I feel I could reach out to that could actually help me. I just really need a friend...