#im thinking: this is it. maybe i really am a fucking moron.
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#i think. maybe ill go to bed before 8 tonight#bc my brain. i can't deal with it. and im tired#but i should not do that bc i have things i need to do#like. theres an application due the 11th. but fuck it i might not send it bc fucking whats the point#why has it become so impossible to function? i mean. i kno why but its still annoying#and its like so crazy bc i just feel like im curled up on the floor with the broken pieces of my life and nothing terribles even happened#from an outside perspective its perfectly fine and good my insides have just rottef out#like i had to spend most of today plotting an experiment and i feel bad bc im just so. im so worried that looking after yhis thing is going#to hurt. its going to drain away hours of my time. i dont kno how long it take to deal with every single day for 2 weeks#ill have to water it at 7 and 5 and take measurements all day probably and im very worried about the amount of damage thats going to do#when it already feels like i should b careful where i step. and i feel bad bc im prob such a bummer to hang around like im so sullen faced#and i just dont care. like we had to make a decision bc we could do one thing or another and it would b answering 2 diff questions#and my boss was like. well which do u find most interesting. and i just. i dont care im more concern with the amount of psychic damage this#will inflict upon me so i just dont really give a fuck and that makes me so sad bc like at one point this probably would have been fun#and now im just bitter and it hurt and i jusr want to lay down and not get up#and im like how the fuck am i supposed to find a phd position when the enthusiasm for what i do now has completely burned thru me?#like hi yes r u looking for a new student? im dizzy and my life is falling apart even tho everythings my brains just on fire#but ya kno i think id b an asset to your lab! sigh... itll b fine i kno it will bc it has to b#ill visit the school i wanna go to. hopefully not make myself look like too much of an unstable moron and then leave this place#dragg my bleeding soul across the country to shrivel up in a different area code#somethings gotta give but lets hope it waits a couple months ya kno#ugh. im just tired. i should sleep. i didnt sleep enough last night. and i didnt relax on the weekend so ive got that i don't kno what day#it is type of vertigo. but tomorrow will b better. it will bc i dont want it to b worse#unrelated#i just want to study things that made me feel something. y doesn't that have to b so hard?#let me study slime. endless days alone with the green goo
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The thing about Thoschei that's so funny is that these are literally all the same people, meaning technically these are all the same ship.
We have these two. Yes? We know twissy. We love twissy.
We have spy doc, yeah? We love spydoc.
We have our beloved/beloathed Simmten. Everyone loves simmten.
We even have whatever these two weirdos had going on.
BUT - Have you ever ever thought about what would happen if you mixed them up? It feels illegal (as in, 'These two specifically are a bonded pair, do not separate' joking matter), but think about the chaos implications.
Can you fucking imagine if you shoved THIS man (6) with Simm! Master? Someone's gonna regenerate. Im not sure who yet. Mel's definitely gonna scream at him, though.
"Ello dear friend do you mind coming along and-"
"Why the fuck do you look like that?"
"Like what??"
"Like a unicorn stomped on you, ate you and puked you back up!"
"You don't like it? What's wrong with it? Is it the hair?"
"Is it the?- NO YOU MORON!"
Or Missy with 9? The amount of arguments and pouting- A lot of sarcastic banter. Maybe a hissy fit. A sissy slap fight if you will because deep down he would care if she got hurt so wouldn't actually ever hit her but would say some pretty mean things.
"Fine! Then go to your room!"
"I'll do no such thing! And you can't make me!"
"Then die! See if I care!"
"Only if you let me kill you first!!"
"Try! See what happens!"
"You dare hit a lady??"
"Pft- I'd hardly call you a lady..."
Yana! Master and 13? Tinker buddies! (They're basically in a love triangle with Chantho)
Roberts! Master with 15? I have a feeling this would kinda slap. Idk why, but I just do.
"So. What so you think?"
"Oh! Sister yes!!"
"... I am neither your sibiling.. nor a woman..?"
"Its an expression babes."
"Why are you calling me such affections??"
I feel in my gut that these two would get along decently well, except this time 12 is the bad influence, not him. If anything, it would consist of 12 showing him earthling things.
"...So.. Uno.."
"Yes."
"I have to have one card left..?"
"Yes."
"...why don't I just throw away my other cards?"
"That's against the rules I think."
"Says who?"
"Says... well... says.. the rules." 💁
Dhawan! Master and 10? 10 could fix him within an episode. I'm sure of it. Hell 14 could fix him. Might take a little longer, though. Dhawan would make tea for him after they go to therapy together. Their therapist says they should work on their co-dependency, but they think she just "doesn't get their dynamic"
I think it would be really funny if we shoved 4 with missy too. Sarah Jane and her would have so much beef. It would be unreal. I do think that Dhawan would be fond of K9 the most though, and Simm would probably be the type to get jealous of a robotic dog...
#the master#thoschei#missy doctor who#dhawan!master#yana! master#roberts!master#twissy#tensimm#spydoc#ninth doctor#fourteenth doctor#15th doctor#6th doctor#4th doctor#ainley!master#delgado!master
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i am reminded once again that people are so weird about rhaegar.
it’s interesting but nauseating to see the shift about him on the anti-rhaegar side of the fandom as it’s clear that people are still wildly and crazily deep in their fanon versions of him, but have decided he’s somewhat useful to them as the fandom becomes less accepting of the ‘targaryens are bad and all mad’ narrative that was floating around for years, so some of the antis have slightly changed their tunes.
i should clarify that the shift does seem subtle right now, so maybe it’s not going to affect the way the antis discuss rhaegar that much, but i find it interesting and a bit annoying so im gonna discuss it.
the shift is basically starting from ‘rhaegar was a moron and killed his family by fucking his whore so he deserved death’ and seems to be heading to ‘rhaegar was secretly really cunning and cruel and actually loved elia but she was iffy/neutral of him and he only got with lyanna to have a baby and left her to die cause he was always gonna go back to elia.’
both of these are crazy interpretations imo, but the second one is even worse than the first. the first interpretation is at least a tad bit understandable, but the second is completely based on fanon land nonsense.
because… how is rhaegar seen as cunningly cruel when he’s only been paralleled with dany and jon, two incredibly kind characters? one of the first times dany is directly paralleled to rhaegar is when dany was protecting others! while we do learn a lot about rhaegar through these parallels, there’s also an on page interaction that completely contradicts the ‘rhaegar is cruel and callous’ interpretation. it starts when jamie is recalling rhaegar’s departure to the trident, he remembers when jon darry snapped at him, telling him to obey and stay with aerys; then rhaegar takes the time to console a teenage jamie and ease his worries before he leaves. we have all this and yet people interpret this character as cunningly cruel and willing to use others for his own ends?
like bsffr… this is a character who prefers writing songs and singing them instead of violence and the song of swords. that says a lot about rhaegar, and it’s all good things.
speaking of good things said about rhaegar: barristan as whitebeard, when he was still sussing out dany, calls rhaegar able, determined, deliberate, dutiful, and single-minded. these are all positive descriptions. barristan also later says that there’s a lot of good to be said about rhaegar, more than any of dany’s other relatives. this is not the description of someone hiding a nasty personality behind a perfect facade, it’s a deliberate set up preparing us readers for the big rhaelya reveal and to contradict roberts anti rhaegar propaganda.
i also want to mention the other side of rhaegar. he was described as melancholy and was said to have sad eyes, and according to cersei he looked wounded. it seems like he suffered from depression. and based on the parallels between aerys and viserys, i think it’s safe to assume that aerys was likely abusive to rhaegar like viserys was to dany. what’s written in a world of ice and fire supports my case and shows that things were always very very tense between rhaegar and aerys. things were so tense in fact that aerys even brought varys in as spymaster partly because he mistrusted rhaegar. that is a very terrible environment for someone to grow up in, and yet rhaegar still pulled through so much so that characters still sing his praises years after his death. that’s impressive and shows how good of an impression he left on so many characters.
now, i also want to discuss the rhaegar x elia ship as it’s getting more popular as the tides keep shifting. one quote that these shippers use to support their ship is the “rhaegar was fond of elia” remark made by barristan, but the context of that conversation is specifically left out by these shippers. basically the conversation began when dany is telling barristan that she’ll do her duty and marry hizdahr, so she asks barristan if rhaegar wed for duty or love. barristan hesitates and tells her that rhaegar was fond of elia but says nothing about love. context is key here. and while it’s not surprising that these shippers need to strip away the context as they have to go up against rhaelya, which has a lot of textual support, it is deceitful and proves that their case is weak in compassion to the build up of rhaelya.
anyways… yeah… this shifting tide is weird af and seems like a huge backwards dive into fanon land, and while i can’t control anyone i think i’ve done my best to stay true to canon by mentioning what we know about rhaegar and trying to keep my interpretations grounded.
tbh… i don’t even like this character that much, but i think his impact on the fandom is so cool. cause it’s like… here is rhaegar, a sad boy, and yet so many people treat him like he’s satan incarnate responsible for everything bad. it’s like so wild and so far from what little we know of him. so, basically, because of this fandom discourse, i became interested in this character and am now one of his defenders. yeahhhhh….
also, because so many people liked to basically shit on rhaegar for ‘doing nothing’ and ‘just letting war break out’ i found it kinda fun to theorize about what he may have actually been doing at the time of the rebellion. as of now, i’m pretty set in my belief that he specifically went to dorne to conspire with house martell and potential allies in order to overthrow aerys. my theory is based on what we know of his personality, and i think his last words to jamie clearly hint that he had some sort of plan in place; and since he was last in dorne, it’s only logical to conclude that there was something going on.
that’s all
#rhaegar targaryen#anti elia stans#anti rhaegar x elia#rhaelya#pro rhaelya#daenerys targaryen#asoiaf fandom critical#rhaelya deniers are gonna be the ppl super disappointed by the next books#how can you think that the tower of joy… named by a depressed man… means something nasty instead of something beautiful?#y’all just hate depressed ppl admit itttt#i’m kidding#tbh i don’t care if rhaegar antis post in his main tags but stay off my blog i don’t want to deal with any of u#barristan selmy#he’s such a silly guy so down in his what if thoughts#pull yourself together whitebeard you’ve gotta hold down the fort until dany gets back#it’s late so i’m sry for any grammar errorsssssss#do i dare tag the main tag?#noooot today#i hate fanon land#what if y’all just base ur interpretations off of the text instead of off of what you want rhaegar to have been?#like what if we all just do that………#ok i’m done ☑️#that emoji is so funny
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Sun Burnt: Part 2
Sixteen grand, only half my go bags, and about three blocks of Mafia Land on fire.
That was my fucking legacy now. I was the crazy fuck that DICK PUNCHED the Dread God of hitmen everywhere. The nightmare that lesser men fear. The blood soaked luxury few can afford! Oh god. I just punch the greatest hitman on THE PLANET in the DICK.
IN PUBLIC.
CURSE YOU LIGHTNING BRAIN!
I can't believe I fucking FORGOT that panic and impossibly fast reaction times were a BAD IDEA. God DAMN it! No wonder everyone thinks Lightnings are morons! That was the DUMBEST SHIT I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE! Oh god. Oh god! I'm gonna die so slow. He's gonna drag it out! What do I DO!?
He didn't even collapse! Just hissed in through his teeth and TANKED it!
Thank god for Tazer training.
But also like!? Ha ha!!! OH GOD IM SO DEAD. I just pissed off EVERYBODY, didn't I? I can never come back! I had to have hit like... fifteen DIFFERENT SETS back there! And Colonello will be out for my BLOOD. Fuck, I wanna LIVE!
Boats. I gotta steal one of the boats!
And thank god? I DO. The island is in chaos, thanks to the fires. I dump the boats number of trackers overboard. Sure, I have to take a knife to a few fancy ass walls. But it's WORTH it.
I got a fancy ass little yacht! Perfect. It's fast, it's liveable, I can DISAPPEAR out to sea. He'll NEVER fi-!
Click.
Cool metal smoothly, cruely, presses againt the back of my head to crush my hope, just as it begins to form. The cologne is unmistakable. I can not tell you, how in God's name I missed it. The barrel of a gun pressed close, like a lover's hand, in unspoken threat.
"Bella~" purrs an amused voice from behind me. It sound like a threat. "Quite the trouble maker, aren't you? Such... CHAOS~♡ But, really? Did you HONESTLY think you could run? We're not done yet."
.....m...maybe I could swim.
I break out into a cold sweat, too aware yet completely frozen. The stairs to the deck are too far away. Fuck. I... I could MAYBE make it? Or.. or punch out a wall? Right into the water? I try to keep my breathing even. It doesn't work. I know, because Death made a man? Who stands behind me? Hums in amusement. His gun pressing tighter against my skin.
"I wouldn't, bella fulminea. I am nothing if not a gentleman, but if you keep fighting me? Well... it is a long boat ride. I'll have to find SOME way to immobilize you long enough for us to have a little chat. And an excuse to have my Flames inside you? You'd be surprised the damage one can do without lasting effects, when they know HOW too."
"And make no mistake. I DO know how to hurt you."
"So let's behave ourselves, hmm? Have a seat."
I... I had a seat. Very comfy. Didn't feel like crying in the SLIGHTEST ha ha, WHAAAT? Don't be silly! This is FINE! We're all friends here! R..Right?
The slow grin I got was NOT reassuring.
He stood there, above me, gun casually pointed at my head, as he examined me. Taking his time. As though decadently savoring the moment. Enjoying my tensed muscles. The way my Flames crackled and arced across my skin. My eyes dilated in fear. The resonance that filled the cabin.
His eyes weren't dark anymore. And that... God, that was the worst part. They had lit up. I'd HEARD about the phenomenon, but never thought I ever actually SEE it. 'Cause who could actually be that batshit powerful? What realistic person would ever be so fucking STRONG?
It was like looking into molten gold. Liquid Sun Flames. I could almost SEE the flicker and burn. I could DEFINITELY feel the Flames filling the room. It was like being crammed in a box with a tiger that barely fit to begin with. Shoved RIGHT up against its face. All I could do was hope it was friendly. Preferably ignored me.
But he wasn't.
No, he wanted to TALK.
Had finally, thankfully, put the gun away. Stepped closer to grab my face and tilt it up. Angle it this way and that. Memorizing my features. Shit. My thoughts must have been obvious on my face, because his smirk widened. His grip got tighter.
"Do you know, little lightning, how long I've waited? How many DECADES I've made do? I don't care if you're not a Sky. You could be another sun as far as I'm concerned. It is the fact that your Flames SING to mine. Crave a place with mine. THAT is why you will never escape me."
I didn't even know if I WANTED a Set. Yeah, it sounded cool. The companionship, the understanding and stuff. Like... like soulmates. Literal platonic but could be not if you wanted Soulmates. Yours forever. Best friends and balm to all wounds. But? But! If THIS was what was in store for me?!
Ha ha, NOPE!
I may not have be interested in being some meat shield for some entitled, cloying, grabby-flamed Sky BRAT, but that didn't mean I wanted a living DREAD GOD! R... RIGHT?! I just wanted, you know, substance! Mutual understanding and a mature outlook on life. Competence. Maybe some one... who thinks... I'm...funny...
Ooooooh no.
Oh no no NO!
"REBORN! Did you KIDNAP a random thief?!"
Thuds up on the deck. A roaring voice sounding vaguely hysterical. A god like Cloud kicking the door to the lower levels clear off it's hinges. Vongola. Oh thank MERCIFUL FUCK. I risk a glance across the table. His face has frozen in it's pleasantly smiling mask. Pissed at being interrupted. Again.
His eyes say "don't you do it. Don't even DARE.
My eyes shoot from him to the Cloud slowly walking down the steps. Followed by the rest of the Tenth generation of the Vongola Familgia. The clear exit they've left open behind them. Back to him. His gaze now promising to break both my legs.
.....he'll have to fucking catch me first.
I BOLT.
#threepandas#yandere#sun burnt au#yandere khr#yanderecore#yandere reborn#yandere x reader#stalker yandere#tw threats#he's a cutie#a silly lil guy!#he WILL break every bone in your body though#because he is a violent fucking sadist when he chooses to be#being cursed really fucks with a guy#katekyo hitman reborn#reborn khr#sun burnt
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status of babbit's life yeehaw
tl,dr: busy moving and a couple of other big life things that just complicate things, but well on the way to being back to normal! new fic chapters and better quality art coming soon.
tl,wr (too long, will read):
Helloooo what's up its me, Babbit. or Rabbit. or Bones. or Idiot Moron Menace Child, idk im not picky lol
i know a lot of you guys have been wondering wtf is up with my upload schedule lately and the extreme lack of even basic content and also i am extremely aware that i have not updated my fics in a few millennia and for that i am very, very sorry. this post is to answer a few questions you might have, if anyone was curious about the 'reason' instead of just the 'when.'
my family and i have had a hell of a year, y'all. like, jesus christ, i really hope things level out and calm down for a while once we're moved in to our new apartment bc god damn we are so tired. the list goes: 1. we got kicked out of the house we were renting-to-own bc we wouldn't be able to afford the new rate, so they gave us two months to find a new place to live (not long enough, it turns out) and then foreclosed to get us out. 75% of our belongings were still in the house when we had to leave. that includes all of our christmas ornaments- including the ones kept for decades, and the ones made by me and my siblings, and the fancy ones made from blown glass. 2. the first night out of the house, one of our dogs, freaked out by the strangeness of the situation, panicked and slipped her harness and ran off. that was over a year ago. we haven't seen her since. 3. my cat got very ill and became unable to eat. she passed away almost exactly a year ago. she had been 14-15, and had been my baby since i was maybe 8. 4. one of the tires on my dads car blew out. during the night, while it was parked on the curb so he could put the spare on in the morning, one of the in-tact tires was fucking stolen LMAO 5. we applied to rent at so many places and got rejected so, so many times. it costs money to apply, btw. we're talking like $200+. no, u don't get that money back. 6. i lost my job bc knowing i would have to work 8 hours at a job that stresses me out to the point of exhaustion (at a place where no one takes me seriously and would actively laugh at me when i try to express my need to step away for a minute) sometimes paralyzed me and made me sick to my stomach and made me feel unable to leave the house, and i called out one too many times. a day after my birthday, too! 7. just recently, like within the last week, my dad's car got fuckin totalled!!!!!
THE GOOD NEWS IS WE OFFICIALLY, FINALLY, AFTER A SOLID YEAR, HAVE AN APARTMENT!!!!! I'LL HAVE MY OWN ROOM AGAIN!!! THERE'S AN ENTIRE KITCHEN!!!!!!!
the 'oh god' news is we still have to move in, and replace a lot of the stuff that we just couldn't take with us when we moved out (mostly stuff like bookshelves, dining table, dressers, etc) AND get the few things we could cram into a storage center out and moved into the new place, which isn't a lot but at the same time is more than we can realistically handle on our own. and then, we have to get my mums cats (a pair of kitty sisters that we had to temporarily house with my aunt, who got tired of looking after them and let them outside to be outdoor cats a few months ago. yes, this was an extremely shitty thing to do, and we've been working hard to get them back safely) AND my gecko (who my cousin has been looking after, even tho feeding him worms freaks him out LMAO yes i plan on compensating him) moved in, as well... basically oh my god there is so much to worry about but at the same time it's nice to have to worry about it bc it means we're making progress sdkfhsjdkfhdsjfh
basically i am just so tired but so busy and also thinkin abt so much im so sorry for lack of stuff but i am so looking forward to being able to bounce back, pls stick with me, it'll be sorted out soon i think and then i'll hit y'all with some good stuff i promise!!!!!!!
anyway thank u guys i love u and appreciate u all for sticking around
#bones of a rabbit#rambles#life update#lore of a babbit#babbit lore#personal stuff#vent#rant#in case anyone was curious#long post#tldr#tw death#tw grief#tw pet death
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parappa the rapper characterz that i think they would do drugz :3 (thiz iz a joke btw)
joe chin and my proof iz: that he sold me drugz outside of the 711 last thursday nite and they weren't even drugz they were hiz branded "joe chin super drugz" AND THEY WERE PIXIE STIX still very tasty tho highly reccomend
prince fleaswallow my proof iz: he mentionz in hiz song that hez "on the run" 4 sumthing 4 what exactly im not sure but im gonna guess drug dealing i mean like he runz a flea market that soundz like a front 4 a drug ring also he lookz like sum1 who dressed themselvez while constantly stoned (trust me i would know) i just know he would smoke weed he soundz high out of hiz mind and also singz about how hez been working in the "flea market" since "hiz mama waz a baby" soundz like sumthing i'd write while high out of my mind oh and also while im on about hiz song
parappa: maybe not nesaserally DO drugz but he unknowingly sold drugz (allegedly) with prince fleaswallow 2 fix hiz dadz car altho mayb he would do weed idk XP
lammy my proof iz: thiz image (thx 2 lil mrs matter on discord 4 the proof XD)
5. guru ant my proof iz: thiz iz just a hc i have that he and fleaswallow smoke weed 2gether and he smokez 2 calm hiz nervez now iz there a good reason that i have thiz hc nah not really am i what the kidz would say "delu lu" no and who the fuck sayz "delu lu" anywayz thatz stupid tiktok kidz r stupid 6. cathy piller, ma san and randum onion lady who waz in stage 2 in the 2nd parappa game my proof iz thiz image:
7. pj berri my proof iz: ok now thiz iz another purely hc thing (actually thiz whole list iz XD) but hear me out the reason why that hez constantly eating and sleeping iz bcuz hez smoking that marijamige that mary jane that grass y'know weed makez people have the munchiez real bad and also makez u real sleepy so it makez total sense i don't c it being anyother way and if u disagree with me then letz go toe 2 toe by the slide @ the preskool i'll beet u up >:( 8. crash bandicoot my proof iz: ik ik that crash izn't TECHNICALLY a parappa character but shut up look @ this image
c look they have met thiz countz anywayz crash iz def 1 of those flordia man typez who run around on bath saltz screaming no further comment
9. colonel noodlez my proof iz: what fucking moron would try 2 make noodlez the only food on earth a moron on drugz thatz who basically the whole plot of ptr2 iz that he goez on a drug binge and thinkz that all other foodz r evil and tryz 2 make everything noodlez but then parappa helpz him sober up and he realizez hez a fucking idiot and thatz why kidz u shouldn't do drugz (or do them i don't give a shit im not ur dad)
feel free 2 leave ur hcz in the commentz below <333 (btw if u didn't read the title thiz post iz satire so don't take offense 2 thiz or sumthing idk)
#parappa the rapper#um jammer lammy#satire#satire post#joke post#this is a joke#why did i write this#i'll post actual art soon :P
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the overturning of Roe v Wade happened and pregnancy felt disgusting and a physical threat to be defeated
I felt that. I an asexual person with zero intention of getting married or having a baby but seeing Roe v Wade, I just... feel the need to have my tubes tied? Which should not even be a thing I consider since I have no plans to have sex. Those radical religious/misogynisitc views that are popping up nowadays just make me feel very disgusted at things that are... Really not horrible. Nothing wrong about being a housewife, or getting pregnant, but the way those incels with a mic talk about women in their podcasts just create very unhealthy relationships between women and "womanhood"/traditionally feminine things.
What's so fucked up is like the exact same people saying shit like "oh these gross LGBTQRSTUV alphabet mafia freaks are trying to groom and molest our kids! How dare they try to say kids need to learn about safe sex and periods and not to send nudes or address sex in any way other than abstinence!" will then turn around say "wow, asexuals? How UNNATURAL. You aren't PROCREATING like GOD INTENDED. You're ALSO somehow grooming our kids" and it's just like. Fuck. Leave people alone about their fucking sexuality and gender presentation.
And then sometimes I try to discuss this with my mom because like we discuss politics a lot and she's, you know, a woman and has raised me and ill seek her perspective as my mom and a woman and an adult, and sometimes she'll just be "oh don't read all that, youre getting upset over trolls, people are just stupid" ok well these stupid people can VOTE and sometimes these stupid people ARE the ones we're voting for!!! Like! I'm so tired of seeing bullshit like Americans saying "haha good on Country XYZ for making it legal to beat those t slurs in public, this is just MODERN WESTERN PROPAGANDA" and I want to scream shit like "India has recognized trans people for over 3000 years you fucking bigoted moron"
Like!!! Ugh!! Should I be furious or sad!!! (Putting the rest under a rm because this gets a little long and I also discuss abortion/miscarriage)
Fucking idiots saying shit like "oh just use birth control there's like 30 kinds" and guess what motherfucker literally the only 100% effective ones involve SURGERY. Even my OWN MOTHER got pregnant on a diaphragm. Fuck you! Fuck you! You think abortions are being used as birth control? I know at least two people who've had them and they can be ABSOLUTELY EXCRUCIATING, I am talking SCREAMING TO STOP THE PROCEDURE KINDS OF PAIN. "Oh women just want to avoid accountability" bitch some of them don't want to DIE, some of them can't raise a disabled child, some of them have diseases and conditions that can't be passed on
I... may have had some risky sex a while back with, minor precautions, ok I'll be the dumb irresponsible slut and say the pull out method was used, and while nothing came of that, obviously, literally my game plan after it happened and post nut clarity hit was "ok well I know if I need an abortion there are people who literally terrorize you outside the clinics so maybe I'll just kill myself". And you know what, I wasn't even intending to do that kind of thing, the unsafe sex, it was just, you know, happened fast and in the heat of the moment, and it happened briefly. Even I, as someone who has never wanted children and FEARED motherhood all my life, made that kind of mistake. And I spent the following three weeks in absolute TERROR waiting for my period, thinking of all the people who would happily force me to carry a child that would no doubt inherit my physical disability, my genetic disorders, and wouldn't be wanted by me or the father (and im not saying that as anything against him we are both very anti kid lol)
It's so upsetting because like, people have different opinions, and in some cases can you really say if an opinion is right or wrong? But so often do I see things that are inhumane, grotesque even. I was reading a story of a woman who was forced to carry a malformed fetus to a full pregnancy where it passed that same day. Here you have a woman who was forced to deliver what was essentially a corpse, the trauma that must have caused her, not just in mind but also in body. 9 months, 9 months of knowing it was being born just to die. And. People were legitimately replying "better that than to be ripped limb from limb inside the womb" that's a specific form of third trimester abortion which wasn't even what she was asking for you fucking idiot. "Better for the baby to know its mother's touch" it literally didn't have a properly formed brain and we don't even know if it could have even SENSED anything besides agony. "I would have wanted to hold my baby before it passed" you would have let a fetus which had abnormalities discovered in the first trimester to fully develop into a child so it could die in horrible pain just for your moral closure?
I read a comment just a few days ago that was legitimately one of the most disgusting things I had ever read and dear God I hope this person was lying but they said "I know a catholic woman who was pregnant and found out her baby would be born terminal and die shortly after birth. She carried it the full pregnancy so she could baptize it" THAT'S ABHORRENT. For you non religious folk, which I am too but I have some secondhand knowledge, the point of baptism is the idea that we are all born into sin and must be like cleansed to be children of God or something like that. And to be blunt I consider this woman an absolute monster and I replied as such.
"She let a newborn baby suffer in agony just so she could dip it in her magic fairy water? And she thinks she's the GOOD GUY?"
It's just. Ugh. I don't even know. I use culture and country as an excuse for religious freedom and sexual and gender expression (ie. Banning trans people from being visible is prejudiced to Indians, Native Americans, Samoans, Judaism, etc) but then people turn around and say "but it's my culture or religion to be homophobic/not allow abortion" and then I just want to say "well you're just an idiot who can't think for themselves then and you need to get with the fucking times :)" like obviously I am not perfect but I believe basic human rights transcends borders and beliefs. Like for example, similar but different, Malaysia is about to literally hang a man just for having a kilo of weed and people are happily saying "don't do the crime if you can't do the time" and its like do you understand it's inherently problematic to just say "their country, their rules" right. Like some places use that as an excuse to keep forms of slavery. Like to circle the argument back around states rights was an argument to try and keep slavery and now states rights is being used as an argument to criminalize abortion?
Like I try not to bring the vibe here down too often but these conversations are important. We as human beings should be helping and protecting each other and I feel a legitimate fear of society approaching some sort of social collapse or civil war. Like even if you're opposed to abortion you should actually still be voting in favor of keeping abortion because, if abortion is outlawed on moral and religious grounds, it will start the ball rolling for banning other medical procedures out of opinion and not fact. You know we already let the insurance companies do that right? Tell people their life savinf treatment isn't covered because they don't deem it medically necessary even though insurance agents arent doctors? Even on my main blog I boosted a post about a person with severe endometriosis who is being denied a hysterectomy because of their weight by the NHS but a private clinic will save them for a price, and meanwhile the endo is impacting organs outside their reproductive system
It's just. God. I'm sorry I guess I went all over the place in this post but everything is so scary now. Transphobia is on the rise, homophobia, racism, gun violence, they keep finding horrible child labor shit like 15 year olds cleaning slaughterhouses, even in my current blue state, red senators are arguing we should let young teens do construction, they're changing legislation on healthcare, on the internet, on student loans, inflation is HUGE NOW, rent is skyrocketing, homelessness is rising, just
It can be hard to keep your head up you know? I try not to be a doom and gloomer but there's legitimately scary shit happening? Like I didn't even touch on climate change and how all of these issues are going to intersect and snowball until our entire species is fucked. I know what I'm voting in 2024 but, it doesn't make anything less terrifying. If we weren't protected before, if we still really aren't now, can we really trust it to happen in the future?
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i was asking for your take out of genuine curiosity so maybe don’t such a holier than thou know it all attitude with people who dare offer a different viewpoint? i was offering my *opinion* and some hypotheticals on the situation and you’re freaking out at me asserting things as facts when at the end of the day you know these people just as well as i do- that is not at all since we’re strangers to them.
but to my actual point. if austin does indeed feel trapped, is miserable, this whole “situationship” is draining him, he’s gaining nothing…and kate isn’t doing everything in her power to get him out of that situation as opposed to just “correcting the record” on odd occasion she is unfortunately, imo, no friend or ally to him. i didn’t think that was a controversial take. and my opinion on all this at all just comes from thinking that to really analyze it we need to look at both sides contributing, not give one all the power while letting the other off the responsibility hook completely. i like austin plenty so please don’t treat me like a bad/stupid fan for being slightly critical.
just trying to birds eye view things here. again- if he’s gaining absolutely nothing but suffering, why is his team allowing it to continue? The Lede Company is an awarded PR firm staffed by industry lauded professionals. kate, who also works for riley keough who seems to really adore her, nor anyone else working there is a rookie that i can see just shrugging their shoulders and allowing their clients to needlessly suffer. that’s not what they’re payed the big bucks for.
i see you're back for round two. you say i've got a holier than thou attitude when you literally came waltzing into my DMs with an agenda, trying to poke the finger at me and accusing me of giving austin the slide but meanwhile giving kaia the brunt of the accosting that you seem to think she doesn't deserve. also, you are not helping your case at all by saying outlandish shit like he's being groomed to take on rande's business as if he is already his son-in-law, and austin is nothing but a freeloader to this family. what do you think this is, an episode of As The World Turns? seriously, you have some nerve coming to me with your nose high in the air with this snobbery attitude, and you have the fucking balls to say that i am holier than thou?
i have given my opinions on this matter for the last year now, and i have spoken about this exact thing with his PR team and her PR team at length. you would not have come in my DMs the way you did if it was out of friendly banter. everybody knows i am open to discussion. but you came at me sideways with your bullshit that i smelled a mile away and i have my right to give it right back to you. you must think i was born yesterday to not understand the nuance of how you were asking me your question. i don't owe you a damn thing. and clearly you are willing to give kaia all the grace in the world but put austin under the microscope that he does not deserve. he has a great PR team and my point, if you cared to read it, was that his team DON'T step in at all to guide him in these matters. they seem to let austin do his thing within reason, unless they have to come in and set the record straight. so WE AGREE, moron. it is HER team that does a great deal of the string pulling. so you are once again making a damn fool of yourself by coming back to my blog not satisfied in the original answer i gave you. well that's too bad because i gave you an answer and it's not my fault that you didn't like it.
i am not entertaining your snooty, nose in the air, fake "i just wanted to know your opinion" bullshit. you must not know me because i ain't backing down on this one. you started this and this is me finishing it. if you can't comprehend what im saying, when i gave you a response last time in regards to his PR team and now a second response, then you're nothing but an instigator.
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(hey if this is too aggressive and it’s against the rules i understand, and sorry about sending it if so, i know chara hate and angry rants are allowed, but idk if this crosses the line or not, im sorry if it does)
tw: child abuse
god i get so fucking mad when i think about Bro. dont even wanna call him that stupid shit. my fuckin father, i guess, strictly biologically speaking, or that dipshit who raised me (with a generous-ass definition of “raised”). why adopt me if you didnt fucking want me? actually dont answer, i deadass could not give a single fuck if i even cared enough to try. my “training” didnt really do shit for anyone. i mean i couldnt save the earth. maybe that was impossible, but also maybe you were a dumbfuck shit for brains who did a terrible job at the one thing you cared so much about that you dedicated your life to it. yeah, i am being a little shit, but does that mean im wrong? not necessarily. i know you know somethin about saying shit thats true but being a total ass about it.
so great fucking job makin me into the strong emotionless hero, no, really, bang-up fucking job on that one, man! i only had ptsd and got scared by loud noises all the time, yknow, cause of the goddamned ptsd. are you proud of yourself? is this what you wanted? well its what you achieved regardless. this is your doing, man, this your grand accomplishment, your legacy: a stuttering mess of a motherfucker who hates fighting and violence and jumps when someone slams a door. great job dude!!!!!
i hope your blood boils when you think about me hugging my boyfriend and telling my sister that i love her. i do love her, and i love john, i love jade, i love terezi, i love kanaya, i love karkat, and i love the mayor. i LOVE my friends and i fucking mean that. all those years of trying to beat the emotion out of me were for nothing, you absolute moron.
i sure hope im a disappointment to you. this isnt cope, its just that i disagree so deeply with all of your beliefs that if i didnt let you down, then i must have done something wrong.
i mean, i guess i really hope that youre a changed person. im never talking to you either way, but itd be for the best if you were. i dont really think ive gotta get into defending why im not, if youre a good person now then you should get it. and if you haven’t changed, then i straight up could not care less what you think
-dave strider
'
#fictionkinfessions#fictionkin#davestriderkin#homestuckkin#child abuse cw#long post#prevabuse#ableist language cw#repetition cw#chara hate#mod party cat
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I hope this okay to ask feel free to ignore if not but how do you manage to cope with people saying such inflammatory stuff about matty constantly? You seem very adjusted to it, I am usually alright at ignoring it and I know its not true but sometimes I see things people say and I feel a bit sick because that's what people think and what if they think I support that and idk. I get scared there might be truth in it sometimes even though I don't think that and it gets difficult to cope with. I really strongly believe in having nuance in a situation, being critical of the people you enjoy instead of blindly praising them and not putting people on pedestals, which is why I still engage with matty because to me he is a guy who says and does stupid things occasionally like most people realistically do. But people see it so black and white and you're either a good person or you're not and I hate that and it gets to me sometimes.
no worries at all! that's what fandoms are for. to debate and cope with things like this. especially at a weird time that this fandom seems to be in rn.
For me, it's a mixture of different things. The first being that I've tested my own beliefs and so I'm more sure of them than ever. That's part of what I love about being a fan of Matty. He's constantly challenging me. Whenever he does or says something that I personally wouldn't do, I stop and ask myself why. Would I not do it because I think it's wrong? or would I not do it because I have been conditioned to behave a certain way automatically (whether by culture, by upbringing, by societal expectations of women and femininity, etc) and its never occurred to me that there might be an alternative until he just showed me? So, that way, my own thinking is under the microscope, and if something doesn't hold up, I get rid of it, if something remains firm then I have to agree to disagree with him on it (the nepo baby thing is a good example of that. He's just wrong there, lol. Sorry Matty.)
I had a similar moment of doubt to what you're describing when the podcast shitshow happened. Cuz I wasn't entirely disgusted by it. Did I think that some jokes were tone-deaf? Yeah. But I didn't feel AS offended as everyone who was saying they no longer support the band, or their opinion of him has changed forever, or that hes not the same guy who wrote "loving someone" or "love it if we made it" or "jc2005gba" or "people," and hes showing his true colors or whatever. So, I was like "broooo am I the problem? am I blind? is his sexiness making me think that he could do no wrong and its to the detriment of my moral character? so I went back and listened to the podcast THREE FUCKIN TIMES. After some thinking, I felt like okay some jokes really shouldn't have been made, period. Like he fucked up at a handful of moments, BUT the VAST MAJORITY of the reactions were to things taken out of context and were exaggerations of how one SHOULD react. fucking up doesn't mean he's secretly evil and it doesn't cancel out all the good that he's done.
So, I walked away from the whole situation even firmer in my beliefs about what is appropriate and what's not, what I personally stand for as a human, and what I believe about Matty's character. Which is why, when I see that shit that people are saying now, I'm like "they're a bunch of morons." cuz I thought about it and know what's what. I think they did as well maybe they wouldn't be saying half the shit that they are saying. Kissing fans at a show after checking their ID to see that they're of age and after they've consented to it and BEGGED for it is NOT grooming. Saying that he likes hot women is NOT misogynistic, "thank you Kanye very cool" is a LITERAL TWEET by Donald Trump used in an ironic context of a protest song, it's NOT anti-semitic. you see where im going with this...
Does it break my fuckin heart when I see people wishing him relapse and overdosing and death? fuck yeah. This person stopped me from killing myself i don't wanna see people wishing him dead! ESPECIALLY that half the time, I remember that interview moment where he said that he gets nervous when hes not with "my people." like he's aware that hes rough around the edges, he knows it takes a moment to, like, figure out who he is and that not everyone gets it, and he's genuinely grateful to those of us who have given him the space to be himself and who believe in his art enough to take a moment and think about what he does to the point where it makes him feel safe and he doesn't take it for granted. So, to picture him, perhaps scrolling online or whatever and seeing people say this vile shit about him....it makes me sick to my stomach. But I try and deal with it in three ways. 1) I remind myself who Matty truly is (he didn't HAVE to put hijab wearing women in TOOTIME we are literally invisible to popculture i never see myself represented anywhere. we are not considered a demographic at all; he didn't HAVE to write LIIWMI, he didn't HAVE to give airtime to the speech that he gave at the brits in 2019, he doesn't HAVE to go out of his way to support the artists that Dirty Hit supports and keep in touch with young people's concerns, etc) That's Matty. He's always saying that people take girl fandoms for granted but younger female fans are smarter than him and have taught him so much. HE LEARNS from his fans. he doesn't think of us as something has accumulated because of his genius or whatever. 2) I remind myself that this isn't really about Matty at all. These swifties don't believe in being social justice warriors! if they did, they'd be okay with calling out taylor for her mistakes. Or they wouldn't be so nasty as to threaten to listen to her stolen music and stop supporting her re-records. They want justification for their hatred of Matty, and cuz matty's mistakes are so public, they have a lot to use against him. People who use his mistakes and his addiction against him aren't people I should concern myself with. what they believe is worth shit to me. Where do they get off calling him a bad person when they're dragging him for things he didn't even do???? yeah, they can go to hell for all I care. When someone has a legitimate criticism of him, or when he does something actually bad, then I'll listen. Like I did when the pod happened. 3) I live in my happy little bubble, lmao. I SCROLLLL bestie. SCROLLL past them comments. I know that shit is gonna break my heart and ruin my day, so I will not subject my eyeballs to it. At most, if it shows up against my will as it sometimes does on tiktok, I'll remind myself that the stupidity of the human race is kinda funny, I'll laugh about it, imagine Matty's brutal humor making a meme out of it if he were still online, crack myself up. and move on...
Unfortunately, people who don't take the time to actively seek growth remain in their black and white thinking. Just because a massive number of people think something is true, doesn't mean it is. recent political changes across the planet have definitely shown us that there can be great idiocy in greta numbers, lmao. this is no different.
Sorry this is a long ass rant. you were probably looking for a concise and simple response but i just....dont know that there is one, lol. Hope this helps but i know how you feel and it's really hard to remain calm in the face of it all. ohhh god. hopefully it ends soon.
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after playing morrowind (im not finished i am just too exhausted to play rn) i am just overwhelmed with the desire to take a hammer to skyrim, rip it up, and build smth new
i dont hate the setting of skyrim. i dont hate the main ideas behind it. i just think it was done dirty by oversimplification of the plot progression. the way it is structured and written feels like it presumed the player is a lazy moron incapable of thinking things through or making choices. there is rarely ever 2 ways to solve a problem. not to mention it is mostly annoying dungeon crawling with little justification. just go to this nordic tomb and get this thing. only exceptions are thieves guild and dark brotherhood missions only because it would make less than 0 sense. but the mages college? main story? BARDS COLLEGE? dungeon crawling baby hope you arent fucking sick of draugar by now bc you’ll be seeing a bunch of them. most of the time in morrowind i wasn’t in random dungeons or caves. people sent me to track down other people, solve problems for them. you can wipe out a mine or you can extort money from the owner. you can talk your way out of problems. in some sections you can kill ppl annoying you who wont name you horator.
some suggestions i have to make skyrim feel more alive and complex (under the cut bc i wrote too much) based on now other elder scrolls games so i know these things arent impossible or never occurred to anyone at bethesda:
>reputation and disposition should come back. why are these random ppl answering all my questions? if im a nobody except named dragonborn by some monks in a monastery no one really does to, why does anyone give a shit i say stop the civil war?
>much like the nerevarine, people don’t believe you are dragonborn right off the bat. hell, even if they DO, that doesn’t make you THE dragonborn. many dragonborns have exists. you claiming to be one more so makes you a potential problem for politics--the empire could be weary of you trying to drum up support to overthrow the empire, something they DONT NEED. the monks meanwhile ask you to do a VARIETY of spiritual tasks before they will begin training you. gather artifacts not just in tombs. go to various locations around the world. after every shout they teach you they don’t just give you a tutorial but then set you on a clear task to use it. maybe i need to go find a fox that is an avatar of lorkhan, or travel to that tree to speak to kyne. and even after they name you dragonborn, see above, not everyone is going to agree with their judgement or necessarily care. but also if you DO prove yourself, you could gain a lot of respect and reputation around various factions. this would also incentivize exploring instead of just fast traveling to your next dungeon.
>a dragon cult that isn’t undead as an overworld faction. im sick and tired of all dragons being mindless killing machines with few exceptions. im sick of all the dragon cultists being basically zombies and liches. if theyre a real threat, they should have a bigger presence. dragons taking over towns and small settlements where there are acting priests or priests in training. cultists taking people captive. draugar waking from their tombs and wandering into town to kill people. make them a third player in the ‘civil war’. maybe some dragons ruling these towns dont even kill you on sight--to them you are a weak little baby dragon who poses no threat. the soul of a human in a weak, fragile body who does not understand what true power you could attain, a pitiful creature who doesn’t even know flight or the full extent of their knowledge. they are sentient beings with their own culture and ideas after all. and the cultists could have a very real motivations for joining like being fed up with both the empire AND stormcloaks, or not wanting to be the next helgen.
>i actually liked morrowind’s dialogue system ngl. i understand the limitations of a fully verse voice cast, but they already reuse voices and dialogue. i wish we could just ask more conversation topics and get more varied answers. weird responses from npcs made interacting with characters more memorable and enjoyable than a basic stupid fetch quest. caius being like “uhhh you’re starting to scare me” when i questioned him about my weird dreams made it feel like we were actually having a conversation and i was asking questions not just “this is scripted dialogue and i am basically a story prop with no thoughts or feelings” like i often get in skyrim (with a few exceptions)
>more weird shit. frankly we just need more weird shit in skyrim. i wanna see funny in jokes or weird things that add depth. there is no scamp serving drinks or a sheogorath cultist that only meows. no woman on the side of the road who fell in love with the rogue that robbed her and begs me to reunite them. i want more intentionally weird things. no necrophiliac saying “im not a necrophiliac BUT what is the punishment if you were one lol”. no town based off of lovecraft’s work in the middle of nowhere. the elder scrolls series used to have SO MANY weird things in it and frankly those were the best parts.
>the blades should be introduced later. I think, as annoying as it might be, you should only be contacted by Delphine when you have enough reputation in the world. she’s supposed to be a cautious woman. why leave a note like that in a random tomb and then have you do a test AFTER revealing she’s a blade basically. she holds the key to moving forward, only after you do various tasks for her that you then realize only after the fact was gathering up various blades members who are in hiding. i know the network is being hunted down, but i think there should be more than like. 2. give us some people pretending to be crazy skooma junkies, or people who have integrated themselves into various jarls’ courts. she seems like a random innkeeper with a penchant for archaeology and might have secrets of the dragons you’re looking for, asking you to deliver mail in exchange for some information, but in reality you’re contacting her allies she hasn’t been able to speak with out of fear because by this point she thinks you won’t be killed by the thalmor very easily or are a plant for them.
>breaking into the thalmor embassy should just be redone or have multiple ways of going about it tbh. i can also be the most stealthy person alive literally invisible yet the thalmor just fucking know i am a spy and they have captured my accomplice so it doesnt matter if i hack and slash my way out of there or not. so it just feels like a lazy way of trying to be interesting while giving you basically nothing they couldnt have done another way. all you learn is esbern is alive and the thalmor have manipulated ulfric against his will for their own agenda and dont know shit about dragons. why would they EVEN KNOW ABOUT THE DRAGONS I DONT GET IT. it doesnt make the thamlor seem more intimidating, doesn’t teach us anything about their goals, nothing.
>furthermore the blades’ motivations and history should be told more clearly. after the septims they basically refused to directly serve the emperor apparently. but their spy network was still there for 170 years???? they still served in the army???? why do the thalmor wanna hunt them down if they don’t seem to like the current empire either. i know its to fuck over the empire and tie them in like previous games but the blades were already a cool intelligence gathering faction living covertly among the people to monitor various powers for the benefit of the empire and emperor. if they are a threat to the thalmor still, why have them have a fall from grace prior to this? why are they even still working for the empire? if anything they should have been using this dynasty’s imperial family as puppet rulers after the whole oblivion gates thing. see above: even if the thalmor have been hunting them i find it hard to believe there are only fucking 2 left. the blades were pervasive in the empire. most having been wiped out doesnt leave only 2 left. there should be more. enough to give them weight.
>redo the mages guild entirely. and most faction guild questlines but ESPECIALLY mages guild. bring back needing a staff. rising in ranks bc you had to do things for the guild and work at it and level up your skills. how am i archmage when i know like 5 spells? what??? i also think there should be more outposts for the college across skyrim. “but the nords hate magic” well having more mages around would certainly show that more wouldn’t it???? have there be tension still. random mages hating being assigned outside the college bc nords are assholes. preferring places close to the border or solitude where they are less in the heartland of nord pride. there being shut down mages guild buildings in some areas left abandoned.
>bigger guilds. bigger towns. i dont need daggerfall sized cities but at least oblivion or morrowind sizes. yknow. just bigger. i feel like we were allowed stuff like guild outposts bc of the town sizes. whiterun does not feel like a hub of trade. its rarely even mentioned despite it being a key point of the civil war both sides want for that reason.
>more settlements and places. vvardenfell is smaller than skyrim. why is there more shit to do. more places to be with more variety and interest. fix that too
>civil war needs to be redone in the fact there is frankly nothing to do. use the camps and outposts. have us clear out bandits to make a new base. negotiate trade. escort caravans that carry supply. take out smuggling operations. spy on the other side using their armor. we have bits of this with taking out agents and stealing papers but i want More. also ideally have different play-styles incorporated into it like you can be an archer, or steal and gather intelligence, or even just different ways to solve the same problems. maybe you threaten someone selling supplies to the other side, or kill them, or destroy their business, or convince them not to. you burn enemy fields so their troops have less food in a really fucked up battle system, or you can refuse those orders if you find them morally repugnant and either get punished for it or have to find a work around through another commanding officer who gives you an alternative. consciously make the choice to just follow orders or think through your actions and refuse. war is ugly and some sides will do anything to win. wouldnt it be interesting to fight dirty one playthrough and the next choose to try and only fight fair and just?
>i know some characters must die because the plot has demanded it. but frankly i feel it is overused sometimes. mages guild, companions, etc. you are promoted bc everyone else died or whatever. can i save them even if i like them as characters? no. nothing i can do can change that for them, even if them being alive could very well be possible and interesting. exception to this is the woman abt to be murdered in markarth when you walk in. why CANT i save skjor if i am fast enough. why cant my choices effect if the arch mage dies or not. it doesnt matter what i do or how fast i do it, they die, so whats the point of trying to do it different ways or try harder. see above for how you always get caught along with your accomplice when breaking into the embassy. it just robs the player of agency. their choices, performance, play style, and skills don’t matter. they will always be arbitrarily rewarded or punished in the linear narrative the devs have decided to make things as simple as possible bc every day people cant make choices and think things through or accept consequences of their actions they might have to live with. they cant want to craft their own narrative, it needs to be as simple as possible, people only like simple things.
if i think of more i can add more but most of these things have core issues behind them that i think if addressed could fix large swaths of issues.
#skyrim#the elder scrolls#tesv#i wish i had the ability to mod with my brain and just implement all of these#sadly i cannot mod at all let alone do all this in less than a decade
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☕ fave mcr eras and albums?
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OKAY OKAY I LIKE THIS ONE AND HOPE NO ONE HATES ME FOR MY ORDER BUT
1. revenge (obviously i mean look at me i am drenched in black and red at all times and gerards hair was just so nice) specific parts include flour face gerard and that photoshoot with the blood covering his hand in a building with brick walls and arches it looked like a church basement and the vampire one for kerrang where its a girls back and theyre covered in blood and hes biting her neck hehe, reasoning for it being my favorite is it has only one song i skip (ghost of you) and every other has a lot more that i usually do and just how theatric and dramatic but also edgy everything was, tbp is more theatric BUT theres more Hope vibes and this is that but with despair and blood and guns and coffins and that just appeals to me fundamentally way more especially when im in my bag. it probably has my most favorite songs too, like to the end cemetery drive jetset life and HANG EM HIGH OR MOTHERFUCKING DIE. maybe my favorite mcr song but im not thinking too hard when i say that
pic of my closet below lmao two of my favorite drawings ive done (theyre for sale wink wink! dm me if interested anyone, gerard is blacklight reactive)
2. bullets, its just so suburban i feel like I'm back in Jersey its October and im walking past cul de sacs and the sunset is bright fucking orange its fantastic its art in every sense and its full of sorrow bc its the closest album chronologically to 9/11 and gerard had the least sureness in the future but he was so confident and it just bleeds into everything so hard, my favorite moments in life are majorly moments similar to what i described. wearing a hoodie and jeans and converse and observing the way the streetlights color the concrete and asphalt, especially if theres been rain. chinese food from family restaurants and rolling rock beer and sitting at neighborhood playgrounds on the swingset rocking back and forth with the carbonation buzzing in your brain. favorite moments include the pic of frank and gerard smoking on pool chairs and that pic of them in some grandmas house with wooden walls and a china and tchotchke cabinet and lace curtains and im pretty sure mikeys sitting on the leg of a couch.it was my desktop bg for a year or two.
3. black parade; i really appreciate the death topic and i will admit i struggle to get on the Hope wavelength throughout esp in famous last words ykno the keep on living part but there are some of my favorite fucking demos like emily and all the angels and im Pretty surE desert song but smack my ass and call me a moron if its wrong. i will say visually other than the marching band outfits its the least interesting era, the white hair was just kinda there to me and no one else had anything outstandingly russling my jimmies. frank did have some cute hair curls on his bangs tho sometimes. i do rlly like the whole haunted vibe tho bc of the paramounts effect on them tho, when i notice it in songs and lyrics it is pretty effective in makin my spine straighten with the hollow eyed, sleepless and frankly a little scared nervous energy. house of wolves has been in my rotation the past month or so bc it reminds me of trevor gta a lot. wttbp i skip every time just about. i save that song for when people are trying to be emo allies and queue it on the aux or when it comes on the radio or in public. blood is AMAZING and reminds me a lot of the song air from the hair soundtrack, and i wonder if gerard was trying to specifically mimic that songs vibe because if u ask me thats very gerard. i think overall the concept and the lore of the album's fruition appeal to me more than anything else, i also love mother war and some of the other various character designs.
4. current era; im saying this because foundations of decay is literally that promising of a single and the shows' outfits are so wonderful and the energy and love and happiness is just so fucking palpable that i already know this is where the new album is gonna sit for me. its gonna be so fucking good. we all know this so well. favorites include nurse gerard the mikey fuckin way shirts and that slicked back hair gerard mmf yum
5. danger days; im SORRRY i just. the songs only appeal to me on a surface level aside from destroya and i always just get rlly bad feelings when i see pics of gerard bc i know he said he was starving himself and it makes me :/ more than anything else seeing him. i feel Bad saying he looked hot. this is also the only album with songs i actively dislike within. i will say that when i say i like destroya. i fucking Love destroya. its so good its so fucking good its everything to me. OH and im gonna include the killjoys comic in this and say that even though i love it so fucking much its not enough to put it above current era. its not that i dislike danger days. its that every other era is so strong compared in my mind that since something has to be last it will be this. favorite moments include the videos of them behind the scenes for na na na laughing and having fun the photoshoot with the backdrop where they're all underneath it and gerard looks like a fucking otherworldly being level insane like hes made of porcelain and the mv shots of them in the trans am at night especially going in the tunnel speeding ass out of town. i will add that i discovered mcr thru sing bc it was on a rhythm game i owned at 11 and i still remember the two days before mcr broke up when i finally remembered to give them a listen and openly cried watching them all die in the killjoy vids so theres a nostalgic rawness that part of me wants to leave preserved like an artifact at a museum.
anyway novel over those are my full thoughts on the mcr eras
things i didnt mention that i shouldve include the bat buckle the infamous stage kiss the spitting and gerard palming his cock through his jeans on stage lmao
oh also dewees is great and needs more recognition
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please dont come back
Last night i did something really stupid. Theres one of my customers that i really like and he posted something on his story about wanting anonymous confessions and posted a link to one of those sites that lets you get submissions anonymously. Well, i was feeling bored at work and decided to send one in that said "i think ur cute ngl, but im too shy to ask you out" which is the truth but i still shouldnt have said it. Well he posted that on his story with the caption "slide up" and i fucking did, like the moronic idiot i am. And big surprise, he doesnt like me like that. he said i was "a homie" which like fuck off, im not your friend. I sell you crown menthols and 5 hour energy shots. I just thought you were cute.
And i mean i dont even really want to date him. Hes got alot of emotional baggage right now. He hasnt even been seperated from his ex wife for a year yet. i guess i would have fucked him, maybe. I feel like he at least has an average sized dick, if not a little bigger. But now when he comes in its gonna be weird. Cause if i hide in the back when i see him pull up im gonna look like a lil bitch and if i stay behind the counter and help him im gonna look like a freak. But the funny thing is i know he tried to match with one of my coworkers on facebook dating, so...
Im honestly over working weekends. Its 8 hours of mind numbing boredom. Half my shift the registers havent been used in so long that they go to sleep and have black screens for an hour. But my boss will yell at me if im on my phone?? Even though the girl im working with is on her phone 7 out of the 8 hours we work together?? Yesterday she was literally watching a movie on her phone. but im the one whose a problem?? Ok. Sure. Whatever. Maybe if i had something to do i wouldnt be so fucking bored.
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the epically sauceless
i just feellike fucking dogshit again today every day another fucking weekend gone by who fucking cares blah blah blah. do you ever havethis feeling of fucking burning anger . so cyclical cuz u realiseits just bc u want something to matter and it never does so it just ufcking eats back at itself over and over. i thinkmyhead is fucking being chipped away at. somethignabout loneliness that makes it somuch worse is just rememebring people will never listen. you can try and ask forhelp and people wont ever listen to you. thats my honest truthtoday. you can fucking beg and plead and you willnever amtter to the point where they'llall accuse you of never sayinganything when you eventually kill yourselfbecause they never fucking listened inthe firstplace . i dont know what it is really. idontknow if itsjust because people dont careor if theres just something wrong with me or what. every timei try to fuckingtalkk i just feel bulldozed and ignored . even when its shit i am right aboutcuz i know itsnot me being fucking stupid when someone else says the exact.same.thing.ten seconds later and it gets reaffirmed. id ontknow why i fucking exist half the time i feel like imalone constantly and when i do tryto talk its like talking to a brick wall and when i donttalk its my fault and when i do again and get ignored or laughed at and it feels liketheres nothinfg. else. ever. and jsut feel so hurt and rejected constantly nomatter what an rn out of it more and more and more fucking patience and fucking energy and fucking anyhting i havbe left to give andwhen you give up itsyour fault and when youdo anyhting its just a fucking slap inthe face and feeling ntohing from anyone else but this fuciking superior fucking judgement and iwonder if thats what my fucking purpose is sometimes except its not that cuz i dontthink people even care and im just trying to attribute it to something largerso im not stuck with thinking too hard aboutthefact ive been bearing it for notihng and there they go again and again and again . sometimes i think about killing myself and i think its really evil but theres a little voice in me that tries to say maybe people will care then before i remember how that wont happen. nobody will care. i might even get laughed at cuz fucxking idiot just fucking lost it always fucking does that shit. and how i'll nevereven get to feel the releif of it all ending it'lljsut be fucking nothing how eventhat fucking single answer will get me the best i can ever get out this world which is fucking nothing which is everything ive always fucking felt but for forever confirmed and i dotnknow dude. moron fucking criyng again because of loneliness and somethingsomethingsomething do you ever fucking lie there and want to hurl cuz its like the mostyoure evert going to do is fukcing sit and cry on your tumblr blog for the restof your existence i think im going nuts im trying ntoto be aufcking asshole but i really want to snap at someone right now liek thats going to change anyhting FUCKKK me man
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the amount of people come in and out of my life who've said, "saving my first kiss for someone special" and that someone was me.... lmao rip to them...major L....
#BLOGGING LOUDLY#don't know why i thought of this i think a thought came up about boundaries in sex work and i pondered... people who don't kiss#like on the job#its definitely an understandable boundary in any case. just had this thought immediately afterward and found it funny..ish?#maybe its sad#damn fuck#wow i didn't consider. fuck. wonder if any of them regretted it#i mean ive always been told im an exceptionally good kisser which is funny i guess but what if like?#one of those folks is just like damn i should've waited#maybe for a more serious partner. or a better one.#wow nah this is a bullshit train of thought most of them said it was amazing and they're glad it was me#man im a moron that undeserved doubt really set in quick huh#anyway i shouldnt have applied so much thought to my own experiences because now im thinking about how lonely i am#oh well. major L ross#Im still getting queuesed to this
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people really want to be condescending in how they’re treating me like an idiot today, huh?
#like yes i am a fucking moron and highly damn unintelligent#and i won't even begin to deny it#but i really hate the fact that people really think they have to go out of their way to act like i don't know anything#or fucking explain to me shit that i clearly already know#and i am really fucking tired of hearing shit like "let me explain it to you in terms that maybe you'll understand'#AND FUCK IT'S NOT EVEN JUST TODAY#it's most days in a fucking week!#everyone treats me like a fuckin child!#im gonna blow a fucking fuse
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