#im thinking maybe it's why i feel like ive been struggling so much more lately with sorting through and vocalizing how i actually feel

[b0ngwater69]

All this me-posting is a side effect of me coming to terms with the way my brain works and what it can handle and also handling some revelations that mightve been accelerated by the acid i dropped on my birthday and dealing with all of this without a ride out to some scenic spot late at night with an old friend where we stare off into the distance and talk about anything and everything for 3 hours

[foressfaction]

Im gonna ramble

Or well its more of a vent cause i love yall and feem comfortable being able to just randomly vent yet ramble about thoughts like this.

NOTE: i am Not attacking or hating on other's takes or head canons if anything im just expressing a thought ive had that ive had personal mixed feelings with.

Trans Toby is such a comfort yet scary to me at the same time. Its obvious i use him as a sense od escape and project myself heavily onto him since I've pretty much identified as him for a whilw now due to my silly brain. The idea of putting what pains me so much onto him makes me so fuckin sad. I use him as a way to present CIS and like..be a biological male ofc.

Me, being pre T and pre surgeries coming summer time it gets worse every year and that ive actually thought of having alternate realities where i could make him trans but like me, before the medical transitions. But as someone who uses a CIS character to escape being trans its super hard to think that.

When i see other's takes on it its so fuckinh cute and almost comfortable but when i thought about it...It made me really sad?? Obviously i hc him as just a cis dude.

The thought of him like doing his own top surgery is like, relatable? Im about there myself tbh. Maybe he's already years on T but realistically idk

How that would be possible giving he lives in thw woods and how would he have medical access to that ect ect..

With others its easy to project their actual lives onto characters in the form of head canons but its like i almost wanna stray as far as i can away from mine so i dont have to also live it through whats suppose to be my escape, my relief.

Although its painful for me personally and a sensitive topic, its been on my mind alot lately. Especially thinking about senarios thay couod happen with Jack about it, him being quite knowledgeable in the medical field and finding out that type of stuff and loving no matter what because maybe i just

i dunno maybe i crave something like that myself..

Sometimes i just wanna draw him with the scars, or with a binder, but i don't personally headcanon that. That sucks cause i almost want to? My mind won't let me, as that would just be me thinking in headspace like...Im trans in both worlds, and theres nothing wrong with being trans obviously. Its just the huge source of mu depression and it holds me back from so much, why would i want that for something that i escape to, and sometimes i want to cry cause of the writing senarios and ideas that would hurt me to write but could also stim as a vent of some sort.

Though the idea of it all being pre operation and HRT hurts me as that's my current issue, maybe having it all be already done and in the past..So i can live through someone that has achieved what i desire. Sometimes i think of that..

Being trans is a big part of me but i don't let it define me like the stupid state i live in. Why do i find it so hard to project it? It's not a bad thing. Its a beautiful thing, plus i love representation.

I can always just live through the other's takes on it. It is vert cute and would honestly make sense giving he is actually most appearance goals for MOST trans mascs.. I. Feel like we all just kinda gathered towards him as a character due to his lore sorta being able to have multiple meanings.

And that's why i just think he's neat and that the trans hcs are amazing. And my struggle to ever personally think that :((

[needtoloveoutloud]

hey Becks! North_was_here here (pun intended). i mentioned in a comment on SPPF that i've been working on a fanart. i said i wanted to take my time to make it good...

well, i lied! (unintentionally)

i didnt take my time at all and finished it that same day, after about 4 hours (i think. could be more and closer to 5 or 6, as i'm using an older version of my program that doesnt track work time). i've just touched it up and decided id share it now before i can overthink anything else about it!

i recorded a timelapse (around 3 minutes) of me working on it but i dont think i can upload videos to tumblr via Ask. if you want to see it id be happy to share, i think i can just upload it on my own tumblr. I've literally never uploaded anything on tumblr before LOLOL

here it is! I'm quite happy with the result. heres a breakdown of the drawings, my struggles, extra info, stuff like that if you wanna read it!! (timelapse shows more detail and probably makes this whole breakdown make more sense):

before we start off, let me just clarify that since i'm getting back into art, ive been experimenting with different art styles (and with that using references) which is why some things look different than others in this drawing

I started with the left drawing (labeled with her hero name) with a pose reference, then drew her body and clothes. i used that ai image of Yoru you provided during the battle training chapter as reference for her hero suit. it was actually quite fun drawing it, especially the wrinkles in the clothing and such!! did her face, scars, eyes and then her hair (which i later redid as i was unhappy with how it came out).

the second drawing, the USJ attack, in the bottom right, is by far my favorite of these three. i used a reference drawing i found on Pinterest, and added some more detail to it and it turned out great. the hair was minorly tweaked from the reference, hence why it looks so much better than the other three's hair. i added her scars, and added the wound on her throat toward the very end of this whole project as i debated whether or not (or rather, how) i would draw it

the third and final drawing, top right, is probably my least favorite because its so simple, even though thats the point lol. i was thinking about making it an art of younger Yoru at first then decided id stick with older Yoru, so i made her hair longer, since i originally had it quite short on this drawing, and added her throat scar (i faded it out quite a bit, maybe more than i should've, as this is after the USJ). after all these drawings i shaded and added some more details

finally, after i added the watermark, title, your user and mine, i went back and polished it up (this is where i, as i mentioned earlier, changed the hair on drawings #1 and #2, added the shiggy scars, and even more details to make me more happy with it, and hopefully raise your chance of liking it) and now im here!

as im writing all of this, ive already noticed quite a few things id go back and fix up on this drawing, but im not going to because 1. by the time im done overthinking, SPPF would be finished lol and 2. i can go back and look at mistakes during future projects to learn!

anyways thank you so much, first of all, for even creating SPPF in the first place. This series is one of if not my favorite fanfics of all time. you're an amazing writer and i cannot wait for more chapters and things from you in the future. secondly, i really hope you like this fanart! this is actually my first time doing fanart for anything, but i plan to do more in the future - especially for SPPF. and hopefully, in the near future, i'll relearn how to color and render again to provide you with better art than this haha

feel free to include this drawing in the next chapter's notes. if not thats alright too! (that'd actually be such an honor tho not even kidding)

yap session over lol <3

NORTH! HELLO! 🙌

Sorry for the ultra-late reply, I just came back home from France and was out and about with work, walking through Marseille, and flying back home and all that, so it took me a long ass time to give your message the time it deserves! :(

This is so ridiculously AWESOME! I want to hug you and gently pat your head (maybe even give you a kiss on the forehead if you'd be comfy with that) because THIS IS SO DAMN AMAZING!!! 😍😍🥹

You got her hero costume down to a T! It's perfect! And the way she's standing kind of reminds me of her Dad's seemingly disinterested stance. And her scars and her face and expression!

The portrait is awesome, too! OMG I love it!

AND THE USJ ONE!

!!

It's perfect, shows her exhaustion and her empty stare so well! Like, her swollen eye and the dirt and grime and messed up hair and all that!

Now, personally, one of my most favorite things about your stunning drawings are the handprint-scars! I never managed to got them right and had such a hard time explaining the placement, and you did it exactly how I envisioned it in my head!

THANK YOU so much for this, North! I feel so damn honored that you (and people in general) draw Yoru! And put in so many details and thought behind everything, too! And since you said that it'd be okay for me to include it in the next Author's Notes, I'll definitely do it - thank you for allowing me :)

And thank you so much for your kind words, it makes me super happy to hear that you like the story so much! 🤍 Especially to such an extent that it inspires other people to get creative and bring the story to life even more. That fact is still so wild to me. I'm giggling like a schoolgirl (kicking my feet, twirling my hair, and all that!) everytime I get a new comment, even more somebody making art for the story. I love you readers all so much. People spending their precious time doing something like that is really moving

P.S.: Also, I'd love to see your drawing process! It's so interesting to see how people's brains work when they draw + I learn so much by watching it, too!

HAVE THESE FLOWERS AS A THANK YOU!

[kroosluvr]

(PLEASE FEEL FREE TO NOT POST THIS IF YOU ARENT COMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT THIS) Hi Celeste! I'm doing this on anon because I don't wanna seem like I'm being overly friendly even though you don't know me -- but i saw your vent-y posts yesterday, and just wanted to say that I relate pretty strongly to some of the stuff you said. I'm not an artist, I'm a writer, and like, 6 months ago? Maybe a bit longer ? I was in a pretty similar rut with my writing, and had a hard time seeing "the point" and even why i was writing at all. I had a few really close friends and confidants and even my pseudo-mentor reach out and be like "hey, this too will pass. you're just 23 and have only been writing in earnest in the last 18 months." I don't know how long you've been drawing! But I do want to give some encouragement and tell you what I was told myself. That this too will pass, and you'll find that people do want to look at your art and do enjoy what you do and are genuinely brightened by it. Anecdotally, I'm not a Persona fan myself (just bc ive never gotten into playing it) -- but I am more 'online' than my girlfriend is, and she loves P5R, and so sometimes I send her your art when I see it and she always gets super excited because we both originally know you from your Arknights posts, but then found out you do a whole bunch of Persona art as well so there's something for both of us that we both really love seeing on our dashboards!

I hope this isn't overstepping or anything, and I hope that you have a great day and week!

NOT OVERSTEPPING AT ALL!!! im so sorry for getting to this so late anon, but i read it when you sent it in and it made me feel better ;w; so thank you so so much for taking the time out of your day to type this up and send it to me, it really means the world..!!!!

creative struggles really are a pain in the ass,,, i was thinking abt all of it even more lately. like it only matters because i put importance on it. so if i simply 'didnt care' then it wouldtn affect me as much. however........... thats the beauty of life, isnt it? being able to care. being able to care This much. so i guess its alright just to let myself feel things. ...

best of luck with your writing!!! writing is SO difficult uagh i truly respect writers/poets/etc frm the bottom of my heart..... SHAKIGN HANDS EMOJI.... AND ALSO pass on my thanks to your girlfrined uafudsjgsdjkfhwk that makes me so happy to hear!!! ///w// I SHOULD GO BACK TO DRAWING ARKNIGHTS!!! ITS BEEN SO LONG!!!! BUT IM SO FLATTERED YOU STUCK AROUND REGARDLESS OF MY LIL FANDOM SWAP AKJSDJKSDJKFS (SHY) (SHY)

i hope you have a wonderful day/night and week too ;w; )// take care of yourself!!!! and THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN!!!!

[darkniters]

i wrote this in 2021 for cscoop but i will replace coopers name with schlatts. enjoy!

-

"very sorry about having to delay the video again! i'm working really really hard on it, just give me some extra time, and i'll have it up by next week!"

... i feel bad for lying to the fans, but what am i supposed to say in a situation like this. 'oh sorry loyal viewers of the y/c/n youtube channel, ive been a bit busy having a child.'

i hadn't told anyone about her, and i wasn't really planning on it until she was old enough to conveniently walk into my recording studio. i made a really bad decision months ago when i decided to fuck a dude i didn't know, but the outcome was truly someone beautiful.

i sighed and decided that i should maybe try get a video out by next week, so i get off my ass and head to my recording room. however, before i do so i go to my own room to check on my little girl.

she's sleeping peacefully in the dimly lit room, nothing but her soft breathing being heard. i smile, not in a million years would i expect this to happen. when i found out i was pregnant i was mortified, i told nobody, i still haven't, what will they think of me if they found out i just fucked a random dude? i'd be slaughtered for sure. however, when i first lay eyes on her, i knew that she deserved all the love in the world, for she was perfect.

instead of staring at my child for the next hour i decide to finally get out of the room and work on the video i promised. it was already recorded, just editing to do, so the fun parts already over with. instead of wearing headphones, i let the sound come straight from my speakers, with my pc turned down extremely low, just to not disturb my daughters slumber.

the videos not too hard to edit, just a gameplay of castle crashers with the sleep deprived gang. the memories of the recording session rushed back as i was editing, a smile was brought to my face.

"go dude get his ass!' i yell into my mic.

'you're fuckin alive too y/n, help me out here!' schlatt responds 'besides, you were all talk earlier, what was that you said 'ougghhh i'm sooo good at castle crashers i finished all of it on the original xbox, you guys wont get any opportunity to shine.'

the rest of the group laugh as schlatt teases. mika ended up getting the final kill on the boss.

'god, you two tease SO much, why dont you two just fuck already?' mika joked. the group laughed once more, however, i was left thinking... is this really what everyone else thinks? do they know im pregnant? oh god...

'you good y/n? shit was a joke please dont think too much about it. i dont wanna get too many thoughts into your head.' mika interrupts your thought process.

'dont worry moka, i was just thinkin of a good response, since schlatts mouth is a little too full at the moment.' i smile, leading up to a bit, hoping schlatt gets where i'm trying to go with it. i never actually thought of cooper as such, however, the idea was intriguing... i wouldn't say no if he ever asked me out... and with this little dude on the way, itd be a good help.

'my mouths too full? what the fucks that supposed to mean?' schlatt quizzes, surprisingly he doesn't know what i'm leading up to. thats not like jschlatt...

'your mouths filled up with deez nuts dog, jesus christ' you giggle, schlatt groans in response, a bang on his desk being heard over the discord call. once again the other members in the call erupted into laughter.

'how'd you miss that coming, schlatt! i saw that shit from 300 miles away!' aztro struggles to say, her voice filled with laughter.

'surley.' mika simply says.

'look shut up, i'm a bit stup- oH SHIT WATCH YOUR ASSES WE HAVENT SAVED' schlatt yells out, but it's a little bit too late, as each knights health runs to 0.

the video was edited in the span of 3 hours, and with regular checks on the wee doll, everything was going fine.

you let your subscribers know that the video was done and ready to be uploaded with a tweet and youtube community post.

'hey dudes! the videos all ready to upload! see you guys again next week!'

as soon as i posted, likes and quote retweets were flying in. the people in the replies were ecstatic, and all of the dudes were dropping 'welcome backs :D' in the comments.

however, when i saw the response from schlatt, i swear my smile beamed more.

'welcome back fuckhead, we hangin later, yea? awesome, i'll be an hour ;)'

though my smile didn't last, for i looked down to see my daughter in my arms. oh. fuck.

what's schlatt gonna say when he sees you?!

hes gonna think im a whore! oh fuck my friendships gone hes gonna tell everyone, and im just getting feelings for him and everythings goin- woah hold on.

. . .

it sounds so right to say that?

i have feelings... for johnathan jschlatt...

i have feelings for johnathan jschlatt...

i have FEELINGS for JOHNATH okay we get it.

there's definitely a blush on my face, but i gotta put this newly discovered truth to the side, cause this silly little goobers here. what do i do?! i cant just stuff her into a closet! my plans foiled!

aegghhh...

this panic ensures for an hour, until that dreadful moment where theres a knock on the door.

i put her back into my bedroom, hoping that theres a chance that maybe she'll sleep again?

and walk back down the hall...

to the front door...

and slowly pull the handle...

to reveal...

...

schlatt, of course, who else was i expecting.

"schlatty!" i exclaim, pulling him into a tight hug.

"ey, whats up y/n," schlatt responds, return the hug, placing his head atop of mine. "you've been offline for a bit and wanted to see if everythings good. i hope you don't mind me suddenly coming over." he chuckles.

i smile in relief, hes so chill all the time. "don't worry, i've just been a bit.. pre-occupied, i'm perfect as usual dude." i close the door after schlatt, and we both walk into the living room.

theres no shortage of conversations, johnathan talks about how him, mika and pandah recently had a massive clear out, and he found an old glow in the dark ring i won for him in an arcade years ago.

-

"'we're only 20 points away from being able to get anything from the prize counter, come on john, lets play some easy mini games!' a 18 year old y/n replays in your mind.

'you want to get something so bad get your own points... i'll keep watch though cause i know you too well, y/n.' johnathan responds. 'besides, you wouldn't want me to miss if you got something huge, right?'

i stick my tongue out, preparing to spin a wheel with numerous numbers of points on them. it finally lands on 100 points, which definitely isn't the most but it's not the lowest amount either.

'YOOOOO!' you yell in unison, claiming your points.

as we arrive at the counter, i see this glow in the dark ring and decide 'john will hate me for this'

so i purchased it, and jokingly proposed to johnathan. to my surprise, he said yes, and wore it back to his house, his parents question it, i remember. they've been very keen on johnathan and i getting together, ever since we were younger. too bad my plans changed...

as we both kept reminiscing of the past and our food arrived, everything was going quite well. she was silent for majority of the time schlatt was in my home, which is really lucky.

we would occasionally go silent, and during that time i would scan johnathans face. he'd catch me starting from time, and he'd stare at me with forced wider eyes. we'd laugh at this.

unfortunately the moment was ruined, for a small, frail cry could be heard down the hall. at this moment i could feel my soul leave my body FUCK

"dude..." johnathan begins hesitantly. he looks extremely confused. "you.. you fuckin... child dlc?"

you both laugh at the comment, however he still looks lost. the kids probably best not to be left crying, so i head to the room to bring her down the hall. i come back, and his face shows a bit more understanding.

"woah." he gawks. his head relaxing on his shoulders and his muscles un-tensing. a smile is brought to my face.

at this point the small wails from the girl has stopped, her tiny frame in your arms as you sit down next to johnathan, a little closer than last.

"shes my little dude! sorry i didnt really say anything... i didnt want anyone to know, especially the youtube dudes..." at the end i trail off, thinking how stupid that sounds. these guys are some of my closest friends, why would they judge me for something like this?

one of his arms wrap around my shoulder and the other wraps around the little girl in my arms. theres a tranquil smile on his face, as he looks down at her.

"why'd you think hiding something this cool was good idea, y/n? look at her! she's awesome, i'm sure the dudes will love her!" he laughs. he leans his head against mine, and my face grows warm. "still surprised you 'got some' though, yknow what im sayin?" you can feel a faint smile tug your lips.

schlatts finger runs down the childs arm softly, and ends at her hand. he stopped and stared as her tiny fingers gripped around his finger. truth be told, he was astatic that his long time friend had a child. he was so happy to see his friend happy, and to have her here in his arms, and her daughter made everything better.

he loved you.

he kept staring at the little girl in my arms, his eyes unmoving, but there were another set of eyes that were unmoving.

my eyes kept on schlatts face, a dazed smile plastered on both of our faces. unnoticed, i put my hand over johnathans which rested on my shoulder.

his eyes move to look at mine, a shimmer in his eyes as his pupils grow. i study his face, his pasty physique now grazed with a soft pink, and his lips slightly parted. his eyes seem to be doing the same as yours.

his hands turning around to grasp mine, and just now am i noticing how silent the room is, all that is heard is the breathing from the three of us. a nervous smile once again graces my lips, leaning my back into johnathan a little more.

after a couple of more seconds of decision on wether or not this is what we should be doing, our mouths finally meet.

it was a very quick kiss, but we take no time at all to go back for a second, then a third.

and then a fourth.

once finished, we both smiled and looked down, both of our faces a rose like color. johnathans hands still caught by the girl in my arms, and my own.

"i could get used to this." johnathan says after some time, his head leaning into mine. all three of us falling asleep on one another. i hum in response, with a small chuckle coming through. i turn my head and give him another kiss on the cheek, and as i do it his cheeks turn red again. some of his brown hair falls down closer to his face as he looks at me again, simply to return the favor.

his lips are slightly chapped, but still feel soft and perfect against yours, he parts first, feeling his finger finally being let go. she had fallen asleep.

"my fingers sweaty... euch" he whispers, making a grossed out noise at the end. he leaned back into you. "love you."

i feel hot again.

"love you too johnathan."

-

this story was better when it wasnt jschlatt dont care hope you enjoyed

[sophieinwonderland]

Hey so idk if youll have an answer but ive been struggling a lot lately

So basically im frontstuck, i cant rlly interact w my headmates or headspace

And like, my headmates can front w me but afterwards + during its like a distant dream

Also my memory is horrible, like i cant remember half of my day.

Ive tried journaling, it didn't work, i forgot about it completely :/

So, yea.. Im just asking in case, yk, you might have advice or something

Hi there. Sorry that you're going through this right now. 💖

Regarding journaling, if your main problem is that you forget to journal, try setting alarms for certain times that you want to journal through the day.

Also, journal in whatever way is most convenient for you. I know that some people will insist on bringing a physical journal with them that they can write in with an actual pen, but if this is inconvenient then you don't need it. A lot of people's communication today is done by text, and if that's easiest, then journaling can be done the same way.

If talking is easier, then you can even use a voice to text app on your phone.

An alarm goes off on your phone, that lets you know that it's time to journal, then you can immediately open up a doc app that you have saved to your home screen.

You can try doing this daily, or if you can, maybe even twice a day. If you really want to exercise your memory to the max, add in a dream journal to that too. Do a dream journal in the morning, journal about your day at a scheduled halfway point, and then once more before bed.

This is obviously a lot of journaling to do but I think that it's best for building habits.

And I think that dream journaling might especially be helpful for overcoming dissociative barriers because dreams are sort of dissociative. That's why it feels so much like a dream when you try to recall what someone else did in front.

So in theory, remembering dreams should help train you to remember what happens in dissociative states as well.

You can also try out an app like habitica to help you build these habits.

Regarding access to the inner world, it's a little hard to know what to say without knowing what you want out of the inner world.

I believe the inner world comes in roughly two varieties. What I consider a deep and surface inner world. A deep inner world is where you would go whenever you aren't fronting. This is where headmates can live out elaborate and complex lives. This also may or may not actually happen, and could possibly just be confabulated memories that are created later by the brain to fill in the blanks.

We don't really experience a deep inner world, aside from maybe a vague sense of having been in the inner world all along whenever one of us fronts or becomes co-conscious for the first time in the while.

But we do experience the surface inner worlds. These are accessed voluntarily through the imagination.

Meditation isn't necessary for this. We've been able to enter surface inner worlds with our eyes wide open before. But meditation is probably best, especially using something to cut out external sound.

Try setting a timer for at least 10 minutes, imagining yourself in whatever place you want to be in, and imagining your headmate that you want to talk to there with you. Then just imagine talking to their form. It's possible that you might not get a response back, but you should stick with it anyways.

I would also advise not waiting until you are too tired before starting to meditate, as it wouldn't be helpful to fall asleep since the goal is to go into the inner world and talk to your headmates.

Hopefully this can be of some help. Best of luck to you!

[general-marzipan]

hello i have le question. who is your favourite tf2 mercenarie

Hello Heough! My favorite for quite some time has been the Engineer! I love the emotion shown in his Meet the Team short despite his laidback nature. I love his newest cosmetics from the summer update - they really suit him well! Even with the development of my oc Darnell, I get to think about how Dell is written as a character and how he and Darnell would interact on the job (i think about these two constantly!). AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT LIL POOTIS SEASON 2 PREMIERE!! I think about that specific Engie all the time, how it took a completely different interpretation of Dell and still made it believable to the actual character (Dell is such a versatile character i love it).

Though I do think I’m going back to liking Scout again as my favorite merc. I’ve seen a lot of SFMs and other memes and shorts with him lately, and its so funny to see how people would interpret in modern day. The accent is also a plus! I love quoting him at random points of the day - the accent is just so fun to do! You even feel like a Scout when you’re doing it!

However, I’m slowly starting to realize the potential of Sniper being my favorite. Throughout the years, Ive fallen for each class at least once, but somehow never could see myself liking sniper as my favorite. Sure, he’s super cool and professional at his job, you cant deny that, but something was always missing. I’d see every go crazy for him, and i just wouldn’t understand why exactly. Id see sniperscout shippers thirsting over sniper and wonder ‘whats that all about’ (in a good way tho). After rewatching the Meet the Sniper short a bunch of times tho recently, I felt a sort of realization, and a little more of a connection to his character (not much, but enough for me to like him a little bit more than before). Something about his standoff nature always perturbed me before, but now Im slowly starting to unravel the mystery of his character. (Not to mention im also starting to see more SFMs with him in it). Maybe also one day finishing the comics will help me to better understand his character, but for now i just think he’s pretty cool.

Similar to sniper, I’m also starting to realize the potential of medic. Yeah, i kinda liked him before when i first started getting into tf2, but i think that was bc most content was made about him and being shown everywhere. Like you’d find fanart online and it’d be a chibi medic or a medic with slicked back hair or something (lol the 2 genders of fanart). Still, in a way, i never could understand the character more than what people thought of him at the time: “sexy doctor that is covered in blood but also kawaii when heavy is around”. Though, once again, im going through content again and love seeing the character development within all sources of media (i think emesis blue also made me like it bc of his struggle with the events going on around him :p). Still, babysteps when it comes to liking characters i suppose. (The recent SFMs ive seen with him tho are amazing).

But if we’re talking about Soldier, oh man oh man. HE IS ONE OF THE FUNNIEST AND MOST COMPLEX CHARACTERS IN VIDEO GAME HISTORY. Every day i learn something new about him. I love his gruff voice, similar to scout, you’re just compelled to do it all the time cause its so fantastic and comical. I ALSO JUST READ THE SCREAM FORTRESS COMIC FOR THE FIRST TIME FOR HALLOWEEN AND HE’S HILARIOUS IN IT HELLO?!?! Love his dynamic with everyone in that one, he’s such a fricking man child i love it. For the past few days ive been thinking about his scenes in that. Absolutely love it. The SFMs and memes of him are super funny, AND THE RENDITION OF HIM IN EMESIS BLUE IS SO COOL, I DIDNT EXPECT ALL THAT TRAUMA TO HAPPEN TO HIM. Not to mention the workshop taunts i see of him are absolute gold, star spangled strategy will always live in my head rent free. CAN WE ALSO TALK ABOUT HIM IN EXPIRATION DATE PLEASE?! He is so funny in that one, every scene with him in it is hilarious, people are even pointing out new things i havent even noticed before years later. If i could, i would be Soldier tf2. I wanna be him so bad.

Uhhhh the other mercs are also really cool, but i havent made that much of a connection to them, though i will say when they have their moments, they truly shine through. Every day I learn something new about tf2, and it always throws me for a ride.

Lol sorry about the long post, can you tell I like these guys a lot?

[orbees]

rambling about everything thats been rattling in my brain as of late

i think the hardest part about my 20's -- especially my mid 20's cause thats when The Disabilities emerged -- is reckoning w/ the fact that my time + energy are becoming Increasingly Finite. i cant Do it all like i use to. my to-do lists will probably never be completed, probably even get to a third of everything thats on there :(

a Big part of this is because i cant rly... Ignore what my bodys telling me like i use to. which. is a Whole Thing because yeah that wasnt really Great to begin w/ and is probably even part of why im struggling sm rn

the obvious answer is like: well stop doing that dumbass but its kinda hard when you've spent your entire life being told by THE ENTIRE WORLD!!! that everything you feel is a.) wrong and b.) really inconvenient actually :/

its rly hard to put into words so ill give an example. ive struggled w/ chronic pain pretty much my entire life. ppl were kind at first. but when it didnt go away, when it Continued to cause problems, when i Continued to complain about it... ppl got tired of it. u learn pretty fast that its something u basically Have to deal w/ on ur own. this + the Undermining that tends to come w/ annoyance, at such a young age, really messed w/ my ability to like. perceive What my body's actually feeling.

to this day i still rly struggle to tell what my Body is actually feeling. my limitations, energy levels are still mostly a mystery to me because im so use to just Having to push past them. ofc Living a capitalist society only reinforces this as it feels Basically Impossible to work AND respect your body's needs.

one of the biggest ways i learned to "cope" was to basically detach myself form my body. so it is less i am Integrated into my body and more like Myself and my Body are separate things. i am me and the body is a shell that I Unfortunately am bound to.

Shockingly, thinking this way- neglecting your body, ignoring its needs, its limitations, and when things are Obviously Wrong, sometimes even outright abusing it-- has Consequences. and i have become very, very, very aware of the fact that my way Of Conceptualizing Myself, the body and self being separate, was Very Wrong. they're very much connected and dependent on each other. my late 20's especially has been a Very Harsh lesson in this. so i need to reintegrate, for the sake of both, but its hard cause those connections were burned out so long ago. its like im having to Reforge those pathways. im having to relearn how to even Exist inside my body again let alone understand anything its telling me.

and even all this, i still havent rly "figured out" how to address the fact that if i do this, im still going to have to work ._. idk. im hoping that if i actually Start Living in my Body, and Listening to it, that i can maybe take care of it a lil better, which will in turn make even that easier. but who knows. one step at a time ig. its just hard out here =_=

okay incoherent rant over thanks for reading

[the-kipsabian]

just wanted to say thank you to everyone for today, i love you all 💜

im putting the rest under a read more, in case you wanna stop reading here, but um. trigger warning for suicidal thoughts

i tried writing this yesterday but it didnt come out right, but after dealing double with these emotions and then some today it feels like i can finally kinda put things into words that maybe make sense

i guess everythings just kinda hitting me very hard right now cause ive been 31 for four hours now and its just. in my brain right now that i didnt think i'd see this day honestly. like i had doubts about this even as lately as earlier this week. literally two days ago. so its kinda like. very mixed feelings. ive been thinking a lot about how i dont deserve this, deserve to be here, that im taking this space away from someone else. i dont know why, but its just how ive been viewing my existence lately

this year has been rough to say the least. yes i know ive had some incredible ups as well, but rarely have i felt like i deserved them in the end for one reason or another. ive struggled immensely, ive been going a steady downhill since the change of the year with no idea how to change it or when to change it. its been incredibly taxing mentally, and im just.. idk. oftentimes its just very overwhelming as youve probably noticed

it all just kinda came together today, with the previous thoughts as well as being largely ignored by my family today. like i know im very low contact with most of them, but when you have two people completely forget you and one only talking about themselves and asking when youre going to give them grandkids and start a family "since youre old now" it just.. sucks a lot. ofc this is beautifully balanced out by every friend thats been so wonderful today (literally had one busy friend jump into a voice call with us earlier just to tell me he remembered my birthday like... it means so much honestly) but. yeah. idk it just makes me feel like im at the age now where since i dont have life figured out im very useless and not worth their attention and..

i dont know what life brings these next 365 days. i really dont. all i can hope that it brings something that lets me keep going. its a tough topic for me to talk and think about rn but i feel like its better for me at this point to bring these out either way cause.. for whatever reason and somehow im still here. the fact that i saw through the entire day when i turned 31 just feels very significant right now. knowing i passed another safe point makes me feel safer tonight, no matter how much ive cried both good and bad tears tonight

thats all i think. just.. just wanted to get this out. i love you all, thank you for existing in my phone even if i dont talk to like anyone regularly cause im so mentally exhausted by just having thoughts on the regular its really hard for me. thank you 💜

[circular-bircular]

asking for some advice maybe, idk. hope you're ok with this ask and everything. i've known about my system for over a year now (and actually known its called a system that is, there was stuff long before that i knew about) but lately ive just realised some things and im just trying to work out if im making up things here or if denial is just getting to me. like some stuff i can believe easily but other things im doubting and i dont really know what to do. i feel like im making up most of us because it seems like a lot of us only are around a few times before going dormant and i dont know why. parts will show up, be around for a bit and then disappear not that long after. its not at all uncommon for that to happen and i don't think ive seen anyone else with patterns like that or if there is any reason for something like that to happen outside of being mistaken about those parts existing to begin with. it feels like we have almost no consistently present/non-dormant parts. i've been looking over stuff and i think thats been our pattern for a long time now. i guess i'm just curious if you have any advice or some way to help work out why thats a thing or maybe even an explanation. again sorry if this is a weird ask or something, thanks if you do answer.

i hope you're having a good day, and if not i hope it gets better for you

Heya! Glad you felt comfy enough to reach out. Prefacing all of this with a "I am not a professional, and my suggestion will always be to seek one out if at all possible, as they will always be more educated on this topic than I will be, as I can only speak to my own research, personal experiences, and what I've heard expressed by others."

I'll also side note that I'm writing this from a CDD perspective. I can't give you much help on the endo side of things, if that's what you're looking for -- just my support!

With that outta the way:

While I've never heard of anyone with your situation, I don't think that's beyond the realm of normality. I think it could happen. But if you think you might have a CDD, I urge you to look beyond the alters and look at all of the other prevalent symptoms.

Do you experience amnesia frequently? Do people comment on your poor memory? Do you regularly find yourself not recognizing people you know you should recognize?

Do you often feel stuck in a memory, perhaps of something bad, perhaps not, and then find yourself "returning" to the present? When you think about your life, how much do you actually remember from the moment, and how much do you only remember because it's what logically should've happened, or someone told you what happened?

Do you feel detached from your body or your emotions? Would you ever describe yourself as "numb" to things, including feelings, pain, or even identifiable trauma?

Those are all just questions I've asked myself in this journey.

Really though, I'll say what I say to everyone questioning: So what if you're wrong?

So what if you don't actually have alters? So what if you don't actually have DID? Does that actually change much about your current situation?

If you feel you're a system, focus on grounding and analyzing yourself. Figure out your symptoms and maybe look into therapy and/or self help techniques -- my therapist often uses DBT skills with me to help me process my turbulent emotions, and that's helped me a lot.

If you step back from system spaces and realize "Hey, actually, I don't think I am a system"-- Perfect! Glad you're figuring yourself out more. But it sounds like you're still distressed by what's happening and struggling, so you should still look into therapy and/or self help!

Regardless, you are welcome here, and you know this community will try to help you. We're all survivors here <3

[kiisuuumii]

Things will get better. Know your worth. Sometimes it’s hard to see, especially when you feel let down or unnoticed. Sometimes the best way to get what you want is to be open to it, no matter what form it comes in. You catch more fish with a net than a rod and line. Your talent and way with words does not go unnoticed, and your sensitivity is not a weakness. As a sensitive person, I too struggle with overwhelming emotions. It does however mean that when something feels good, it’s a deeper feeling than others will feel, and it also means your empathy is so strong that you will always be openly compassionate which will encourage others to do the same. You are capable of influencing others to do good deeds as well, and when you are able, the good you feel is incomparable. Focus on your light, what makes you happy by being you. Follow your bliss in yourself, then the need for another to make you happy will become less important. There are ways to create the love you so desire through writing. If you really see yourself in it and feel it for the thing you are writing of, no one can take that away.

-Sky Anon

its a bit of a curse, isnt it?—feeling so much, i mean. youre right though that that means we feel the good just as deeply. i know that things will get better, i'm not one to be so much of a pessimist that i start to really believe that things wont; i very much cling tightly to the probability, no matter how small, that ill one day live the life that i want, in the love that i want, with even more people who love and care about me for who i am, just like i want. one day the things i feel now (and maybe the things you feel now) will be just a memory; we wont remember how we felt, only that we did

i think that might be why i am the way i am in this moment, and lately (i promise im not usually so openly self-deprecating, this is just a particularly rougher patch lmao); i want to hold onto some of the feelings i have right now, for a little while longer, just to really feel them, until im spent. esp when it comes to trying to be open to other forms of the things i want. ive been trying to stay optimistic ofc, but i think if youre stuck on something, theres a reason for it; it wouldnt be smart for me at least to force myself open rn when there are things this closedness is probably trying to teach me

certainly doesnt mean im not trying to move forward tho ! if you can picture it, im always walking on a path forward, only looking back occasionally, while crying my heart out lol

also, one thing you might have a bit wrong about me is that i don't want someone to make me happy. id done a lot of looking for that in other people when i was younger, and as i separated myself from that version of me over the years, ive come to learn how to find and make happiness for myself (even if its not perfect, the way i do it, and even if it takes me a hot minute sometimes); i guess you could say im more looking for someone(s) to be happy with, to live life with, the good and the bad (even when i cant see past the bad at times), and that im trying to put aside some of my own feelings to make room for that

i feel like i sound condescending or dismissive, and im sorry if i do come across that way, but lowkey this helped me kinda see why i still havent let some things go despite my saying so; so thank you, sky anon, for taking the time to write such a heartfelt message !! i might not understand everything yet, but youve given me a piece of clarity thatll at least help me start

[sonny-whorezik]

what really sucks is i wanted to hold out . i understood the situation and i knew they were struggling and i tried to let them know i was here as best i could long distance with minimal contact . but it had felt so Bad just getting maybe Maybe 15 - 20 texts a day it seemed with hours in between the majority while all i know here in colorado are couples who live together and call every day . i would just keep taking myself on errands , to coffee shops , bookstores , parks , ive felt like ive been dating myself towards the end because they just did not have the time for me and i understand why and i was willing to wait for it to pass and just be there for them if they needed me . but it has been hard . i even wrote in my list notebook that by jan 10 if it keeps going on to say something and if the behavior stays the same january 20th then i would be the one to break up for the sake of both of us . i was willing to do this another month and keep giving it a chance

typing all this out does help a bit , just moments ago i was sobbing in my car ; i still have 45 minutes of my break and when this post is over i will likely sob again . i just . idk . i feel like i tried all i could but i keep thinking i couldve somehow done more . like move back to where they live , or create things for them , mail letters again , say good morning instead of replying to last night's message and not hearing back until almost 4pm when my day is halfway over and theirs is just beginning . i wish i told them i love them more

they got nervous when i didnt acknowledge they were excited to see me in february because i was distracted christmas day dealing with my bank i should have told them how much i look forward to it , how it is what keeps me trying to be productive : seeing them in the future . i just had to hold out til february until i felt i couldnt , then it became january 20th as a last resort because i didnt know what to do anymore . i didnt know who they wanted me to be for them, how to be engaged when all they talked about was how hard it all is and how tired they are while i couldnt do a single thing it seemed but text , what could i do almost a thousand miles away ? im sorry i keep posting these i dont know what to do with these feelings and thoughts but purge them and have them acknowledged , whether or not someone reaches out which i dont really want , i think i just want to be heard . i cant tell my roommates due to our unorthodox situation i dont want to hear anything bad said about them from their ex , i dont care what he feels towards them or how he's never been supportive but still has been in my life knowing how involved they have been for my entire adult life . theyre not a bad person , ive never thought of them as abusive or toxic or bad or selfish or all these things people have told me to think when i just wanted to vent and be heard , not hear that they think we're incompatible . and i guess we are incompatible or else this wouldnt be happening . ive told myself this is just a situational issue and not The Relationship but maybe i have been wrong

i dont want that to be the truth . i swear it was just circumstantial , that it just got a little extra hard for a little while but we could get through it and they would know throughout this i would be there for them . i wanted to get them a promise ring while theyve been going through recovery just to give them something to remind them im there for them until the end , however that looks . i will never get the chance to do that for them now , it's too late and i am left just in horror it feels like . im so scared . im So , so scared of everything but ive always had them , now i do not and i know im capable of living without them , but why ? why do i have to do that now ? what could i have done different ? i just feel so , so sorry i couldnt be a better partner and i know they said its not my fault it's just where they are in life , but they didnt seem as sure as i feel about reuniting down the road after we work on ourselves. i just want to throw up but i havent eaten in 24 hours i dont feel hunger or anything but absence and anxiety . cant even listen to tmbg anymore everything i love reminds me of them and theyre not here anymore

[mental-health-advice]

im sorry that it's so long i dont have anyone to share it with and i dont have money for psychological help but i am desperate

i have this problem that i cant listen to people, it's very rare for me to find other people's lives interesting, even my best friends'. sometimes i have this moment when im curious and ask but I don't ever catch myself as little as having thoughts about other people and i can see that i struggle with empathy

i realized lately that all my attempts to help other people in the past were caused by my feelings of superiority towards them, now i just don't attempt to help them at all. i've never been listened by my family, no one ever listens to one another and none of us seems to be truly interested in each other that much. all my friends through my entire life have never been the types to get into any deep conversations as well. ive been heavily bullied my entire life and my parents never asked about anything, my friends witnessed me getting bullied a hundred times and it was all just ignored and no one ever reacted or talked to me about it. since i was 10 i live in some other world in my head and that's all i think about in life, i feel like i built my entire life around it and it's terrifying because it doesn't seem normal to other people. sometimes i get people telling me that i might be autistic but i feel like it's such a heavy word for what im going through and also ill never probably be able to find out

now that im at university in a completely different environment and city, it scares me that i don't know how to fix it. when someone asks questions about my own life i have no idea what to say. i've never been asked about my opinions, my health, things that i like. i barely think about these things myself and to that i am expected to show interest in other people and ask them the same questions

i want to have friends but i feel like i just deserve to be isolated because im not empathetic and it seems like im also fake. it's complicated i guess i just have to ask if there are any advice to find people around me interesting so i can have friends

Hey there,

I’m so sorry that whilst you were growing up, no one really seemed to listen to you or take an interest in you and your life and also that you grew up being bullied. It actually also helps to paint a picture of why you may find it difficult to make friends and hold conversations with them now.

It’s really important that you know and remind yourself that you definitely do not deserve to be isolated from other people. You did not ask to be treated as you were whilst growing up and nor were you always able to stop it from happening and especially in regards to the being bullied by others. When you feel like you don’t deserve to have friends or to socialise with others, it can be helpful to remind yourself that we as people are social beings and so we all need someone in our life, even if it’s just one or two people! Remember that it’s also not about the quantity of friends that we have in our lives either but rather the quality of the friendship!

In regards to making friends now, sometimes it can he helpful to just casually catch up first and then form a bond with them from there. So for example, do something with them where talking is not the main focus. So, maybe go to the movies with them, to a local attraction like to a zoo or a walk with different sceneries. Try and do something that you can talk about what is going on around you as opposed as just ‘talking in depth’ about things. This can also be a great ice breaker as well! From there when you see them, perhaps speak to them about the experience you both shared, likes and dislikes/ what you most enjoyed and didn’t. Again, this can take the pressure off just talking and will allow you both to have a focus in the conversation with them. It will also allow you to get to know the other a bit better and in time you may find that the conversation may flow a bit more easily and especially if together you do different things that you can then both chat about!

Showing empathy to others is a little harder and especially if you weren’t shown it in your early life. It is something you can definitely learn and do though so don’t be too hard on yourself! Maybe a good starting point may be to look at yourself and how you would like someone to treat you or react to you in different situations. This can really help with the learning process as even though people need different things after going through different things in life, often what we all have in common is wanting a friendly ear, someone we can talk too who we feel like really cares about us!

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[substanceuser971]

made the connection between my addictive tendencies and my attachment issues both stemming partly from a feeling of wanting to recreate initial happy memories. it feels like other people are able to move on with their lives easier than im able to. people seem to n=be able to move on from me as soon as i stop being interesting and novel to them, while im stuck wanting to keep replaying what we had when we started, and it plays out the same way with drugs, trying to recreate that same way i felt those first few times i got drunk or high. it feels like i keep trying to create a tiny little time loop that i can live in forever instead of accepting when things arent as good as they used to be. and one feeds into the other too, people have left me for struggling with substance dependence and i depend on booze and weed to cope with feeling abandoned. its a really vicious cycle

ive been doing pretty okay with staying sober lately, but its mostly because i cant afford to stock back up on weed and the only alcohol i have is beer which isnt kosher for passover. today my landlord and his friend came over to do some renovations and they shared a joint with me, and it felt great to finally get high again but i also feel like it sent my brain right back into the mindset of needing to get high daily and keep it in my system. another part of why i get intoxicated so much is because i get fucking horrifically bored and understimulated, and weed and booze are the easiest way to stave off the feeling, so lately ive been trying to put my energy into hobbies and find other ways to stay stimulated as replacement behaviors for using. its been effective and its been a great feeling to be more productive and have more mental capacity to do things i enjoy. but after smoking this afternoon, once i came down from the high, i felt more bored than i have in a good while. the experience makes me think that maybe pot in particular causes me to be dependent on it to fight off boredom, and the lack of boredom it temporarily provides me makes anything i do while sober feel more boring by comparison.

honestly, i dont have faith right now that ill be able to refrain from buying more weed as soon as my paycheck comes in. my finances really arent great, but i have a slight buffer from my upcoming tax return covering my rent for may, and its way too easy for me to just take a bus downtown and hit up one of the many many dispensaries we have here. i can try to put it off for as long as possible, but itll only take a quick moment of my self control faltering enough for me to end up on the bus and then ill come home with enough flower to last me at least a couple weeks. sunk cost fallacy, if ive already bought the bus pass ill feel guilty if i just change my mind and go right back home. maybe if that happens, i can try replacing a dispensary trip with a bit of wandering downtown, check out the shops i havent gotten to see yet and maybe buy myself a cheap trinket or two, or a little snack. i think that would be a good idea, and it would most likely be cheaper without making me feel like i wasted money on the bus pass. i might try to do that if i end up on my way to a dispensary. but really, i dont know if i have the self control to keep from restocking my stash even with that backup plan in place, because its just so fucking easy to get my hands on it as long as i have the money to pay for it, and its so tempting because it feels so good to get high that i end up disregarding the consequences until they hit me.

it feels better waking up in the morning when i fell asleep sober. in the past couple weeks, when ive barely gotten high or drunk, its been a lot less of a pain getting out of bed in the morning, and i always feel groggier on the mornings after using. its uncomfortable and i dont like how hard it is to wake up. on the other hand though, my insomnia has been a lot harder to control since ive had to cut back on weed. it was far from fixed even when i was getting high nightly, but it at least kept my brain fro buzzing so much that i couldnt relax. lately i keep staying awake for like 30 hours at a time even though i get delirious staying awake that long. even right now i just feel exhausted and i want to sleep, but i have too much going on in my brain thats demanding i stay awake and Do Things despite being too sleep deprived to actually do much of anything effectively. im pretty sure i have some kind of sleep disorder, because ive struggled with insomnia and fucked up sleep patterns for years, but i also kind of think cutting back on cannabis could be exacerbating it. the joint from earlier got left with me, and we all only took a couple hits, so ive still got like half a joint left and its tempting to smoke a little more. i think the main things stopping me are the fact that my body feels too exhausted to get out of bed, and the fear of rekindling my dependence on it only to have to go without weed for a few more days.

[khodorkovskaya]

29.12.22

sooo i had the driving lesson this morning and uhhh... i don't know if it went well or not.

at the beginning i was super confident and then... the instructor stopped me and gave his verdict. basically everything im doing is wrong. the way i hold the steering wheel is wrong, i brake too late and, most importantly, i don't ever do the RTI. and i was like huh what is the RTI? apparently it's the number one thing they check for during the exam: you have to look (1) in the rearview mirror, (2) in the side mirror and (3) turn your head before you do anything. you have to do the three things in order every time. and i didn't know that... 😅 i only look in the side mirror and turn my head if i have to switch lanes and that's it. but you have to do it very often.

it makes sense why i feel like i never understand where im going when im behind the wheel. because i only look ahead. and no one ever told me that i have to look around too. and it's so stupid now that i say it. like duhh you have to look around while driving. but i never did bc i never thought about it.

when i went driving with B it was only when my stepdad asked me if my rearview mirror was adjusted that i realised that i could look in the rearview mirror... i drove around for weeks without ever looking in the rearview mirror...... and now it's the same thing. i drove around without ever looking around myself and didn't know i was supposed to do that...

so yeah the instructor said that he doesn't understand how i thought that i was fit to do the exam. he said i don't even have the basics and all i need to do now is do figure eights around the parking lot. he said i need 40 to 50 more hours of lessons before going to the exam. the problem is i only have my student license until april and if i fail i will have to redo theory all over again. and i can't afford driving lessons with an instructor.

so my first instinct was to give up on driving all together. this whole experience has been so painful and i have no idea how everyone does it! everyone ive met had passed their license on the first try and learned to drive in only a couple of weeks! meanwhile ive struggled so much with basically no progress. ive had my student license since summer of 2020 and im still at the level of doing figure eights at a parking lot. like idk i think im just r-word. like i just can't comprehend how people can balance so many things and look left and right and look at the road and read road signs and push pedals and switch gears and steer and quickly react to things all at the same time. like im not stupid, right? but why can everyone drive and i find it impossibly difficult?

in conclusion, my stepdad and i decided it would be best for me to go to therapy bc i have issues i need to resolve to be able to learn how to drive and not struggle so much. maybe im traumatised from driving with B. maybe it's my adhd. who knows. i haven't decided yet but im gonna do either cbt or nlp therapy to help me overcome my mental blocks. bc the struggle is real.

like idk. when i drove for the very first time when i didn't even have my student license, my stepdad told me that i was quite gifted and he was pleasantly surprised. i understood things quickly and progressed very well in a short amount of time. and then i started driving with B. and it all went downhill from there. and ever since i started driving with my stepdad again it's been catastrophic. i cry every time im in the car, i can't concentrate etc etc. and i don't even remember driving with B that much tbh. plus he had a manual! i have no idea how i managed to drive a manual! i remember just wishing for it all to be over and dissociating and crying. and i think that really fucked me up.

so yeah, i have until april to do the exam and i'll try my best and go to therapy to see what's up with this whole driving thing. and if i don't pass the exam then whatever, i'll try again in a couple of years when i'll be better in the head. hopefully.

[erythristicbones]

it's a weird feeling not being a part of ldov this year. like not wholly bad, im happy that im finally completely happy and accepting of my genderfluid identity, rather than feeling attached to being afab despite not wanting to be a woman. plus accepting that i'm attracted to other nonbinary/genderfluid ppl so im doubly not a lesbian anymore. but it's still an odd kinda sad feeling weirdly enough? like there's a part of me that found that identity as simpler even if it was incorrect for me in the end