#im thinking a lot lately i think its the anxiety and a lot of important things

[coridallasmultipass]

.

[candyunicornsateme]

One day I will write a multi chapter fanfic but I’d really have to go quiet to focus on it and hopefully people will still be around by then cuz I’ve already had projects I finally did only for it to be literally dead times hahahsoidhsdfhik

[hoodedjelly]

Sleep walk BTS post!

will go in depth with my process and put better quality drawings in here!

Before any of this i was listening to several fiddauthor/ford playlists to hear a song that really got my brain moving. Funny enough i didn't get Sleep walk from one of the 100+ song playlists i was listening to, it was in my oc playlist (thats a mad scientist who would've thought). Originally i wanted to make a fiddauthor animatic (who knows maybe i will), but THIS SONG just caught my brain in a way i couldn't refuse.

So i technically started working on it the late night of September 27, exactly a week ago! which yes yes i hear you all in unison go "WHAT???" to that, and all I have to say to that is.... I have untreated adhd and lots of caffeine in my system! (honestly felt like ford sometimes while workin on that animatic)

Started it off with some notes, then thumbnails. I had my tbob AND J3 open next to me stood up with clips for reference (prob looked a little insane looking back but its fine)

now for the rough animatic! i did this in Adobe animate 2022 (i'll get back to that later) the only thing that really got changed was i wanted to add the diner scene from j3. i realize now that it messed up the timeline i was going for with the animatic but i like to think things are out of order because of the state ford is in, things start to merge together.

After i sat with this rough animatic for a bit, i wasn't sure if i was going to make it in Adobe animate (what i usually do) or make it all in Clip Studio Paint. I wanted this animatic to be way more visually interesting then i usually do, so CSP it is. But! i only have CSP Pro, so i had to draw and export every single new frame from this animatic.

it was a little tedious at first (again never done an animatic like this before) but i got used to it! I edited it all together in CapCut and thats really it!

The missing J3 pages from TBOB spoke to me in a way that im not fully comfortable talking about to my followers. I put a lot of myself in this animatic then i'd want to realize, it's very important to me. The night when i uploaded it i was literally shaking with anxiety (and caffeine-) but the overwhelming support for it is really amazing, thank you so much! if you have any more questions please ask away i love talking about the art process.

Below im going to talk about the code and put HD backgrounds!

thank you for dyemro on here for cracking the code first! now i can talk about my insane little thought process about it

So i never planned to add a code until halfway through with the animatic. i was watching ThatGFFan videos and him talking about gravity falls codes got my brain cooking. i wanted something sweet and simple (i realize with dyemro's post it wasn't as simple as i thought, give me some slack it's my first time). like what you should with making codes you start at the end. And i wanted something that was a nice send off for drawing ford be fucking miserable for 1 minute and 30 seconds.

so i got this. (honestly every time i look at this drawing after finishing the animatic it makes me real emotional)

There are 4 codes in this whole animatic 0:02, 0:15, 0:30, and 0:58

wanted the first one to be REAL noticeable so people can stop and be like "wait... theres stuff in here". people usually think to use the bill symbols, but no! from the description theres a little hint to use the Author symbols

doing that code it leads to: imgu r.com /a/uZa iVfu (and if you know that double line a under a letter means capitalization + im a dumb dumb that used a code image that didn't have a Z so thats just a normal Z)

it makes a LINK! > imgur.com/a/uZaiVfu <

now enough of that boring stuff, heres some HD screenshots and backgrounds of my fav parts

[proud-cloud]

Three Cheers for sweet revenge plot song by song according to me

My credentials are that uhmm ive listened to this album like weekly since i was like 12 and uhm im taking english A-Level (crime and tragedy) sooooo

Full disclaimer i could do a line by line analysis on pretty much all of these songs but then this would be stupidly long so im just touching on the points or lyrics i think are most important for the plot! Oh and i cant spell and im trieddd of writing academic essays so im kinda yapping ngl

HELENA

honestly i barely have anything to say here but i imagine its the demo woman’s funeral (yes ik its abt Gerard ways grandma but let me cook) kind of setting the tone and exploring his grief, creating the circumstances for his deal with the devil - especially in the bridge.

GIVE EM HELL KID

Ok so here!! Is where i start to have more to say!! So in my head the man (im just gonna call them tje man and the woman or like he/she from here on) has accepted the deal with satan to kill 1000 evil men and is basically on a killing spree? So from my immense medical knowledge of watching house im preity sure epidrene is a steroid, which like gives him energy (interestingly ive been on them a few times for asthma and they have a long list of mental side effects such as uhhh mania (fall out boy whooo) anxiety and depression which maybe foreshadows his sorta insanity towards the end as his guilt haunts him) acting as a symbol of his immense motivation to see his wife again, so verse one especially is before his downfall where hes like yippee killing people to see my wife again!! The chorus i imagine is sang by both him and the woman in heaven as they both long for each other uhm and later on in the song it does seem as if hes begining to kind of loose it a bit due to his grief? kind of foreshadowing his well everything later on in the album. In the bridge i imagine hes kind of mocking their teenage selves (linking to im not okay later on) especially in the line “we are young and we dont care” criticicing their hopefullness by comparing it to their current circumstance - ironic as it only gets worse from here.

TO THE END

Now i know this is based on a rose for emily (i tried to read it and there were a LOT of slurs from what i remeber so that was yeah) but for the sake of my silly little narrative were kinda just not gonna touch on that. So here i believe the man has been set to kill this couple, just to find the wife has killed her husband (with the “cyanide you drank” i assume) which drives him into a sort of crisis, questioning if this was what would have happened to him and his wife if she had lived and they had stayed married for this long (fueling his sexuality crisis in prison). I could go so much further into this, especially language wise but for the sake of everyones sanity ill leave it here :)

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO TO GUYS LIKE US IN PRISION

so hes literally in the middle of a gunfight in the centre of a resturant and the police come and theyre like come with ur arms raised high and ok so!!! Theres many people who could explain this better than me but the man gets arrested for killing all these people and gets sent to jailllll. Ive heard some people talk about it as an allegory for SA in prison and others who talk abt it as him realising his gay/bi ect and honestly i can see both. I really like the line “too much to late or just not enough of this, pain in my heart for your dying wish, i kiss your lips again!” Which, running with the latter intrepretation, suggests hes feeling regret for all the murdering hes done and is questioning if he ever did love his wife this much, and if he should move on and fix his mistakes. So to make a long story short he has a sexuality crisis in prision! Toward the end, he escapes prision and with his “friends” from jail, lilely from setting it on “fire” (i got the friends bit from the lyric “but ill go down with my friends”) escaping jail but at the cost of further loosing his sanity and grasp on morality.

IM NOT OKAY (I PROMISE)

for conveniences sake he either gets knocked out (the giggles at the end of prision i guess beinf from a concussion or something?) or just like goes to sleep somehwhere after the prison break with the other ex inmates and has a flashback to his time in high school, when he fell in love with his wife. As an audienve were kinds like dude she did not like you back then calm down which makes us question the morality of his mission, but for him it reminds him of what hes fighting for and erases the doubt he had in their love in to the end and prison. I will say im kinda pidgenholing this in with the flashback but uhm yeah!

THE GHOST OF YOU

This song acts as a continuation of his grief, back in the present day after im not okay made him remember what he was doing this all for. This basically confirms his belief that killing all these people is right because he needs to see her again. He battles with his morality knowing that she should be “never coming home” cause shes dead but then considering the deal with satan and its morality asking himself “could i? Should i?”. Towards the end, it seems like he decides killing the men to bring her back is the right thing to do. the line “If i fall, down” seems to show his commitment to her regardless of morality, hes willing to ‘fall down’ to hell if it means he gets more time with her which is ironic as he later does go to hell, but never gets to see her again.

THE JETSET LIFE IS GONNA KILL YOU

and hes back to killing again!! I think “her killing jar” is a metaphor for his fixation on his wife and the things its driving him to do. Hes trapped as if he was in a jar by the deal he made with satan for her. Its kind of difficult to explain but essentially hes assuring himself that hes doing it all for her and its all worth it as his sanity slowly dissipates, which i believe is demonstrated through the lyric “pull the plug” kinda symbolising hes giving up on himself and dedicating everything to her. Now this is obviously unhealthily obsessive and is the point where we definately start to question if what hes doing is right - is he not essentially playing god now? Should one man act as judge, jury and executioner?

INTERLUDE

ok its literally just the interlude but here i beleive he is praying for god, the “saints”, to “protect” his wife in heaven further showing his like motive? For all of his murders - his love for her however dangerously codependant.

THANK YOU FOR THE VENOM

HE KILLS MORE PEOPLE 🔥🔥 its almost like he has to kill 1000 evil men damn. BUT now hes starting to loose his grip on reality and is killing innocent people. I like to think he goes to the church he married his wife in and starts killing people - hence the line “sister im not much a poet but a criminal” - hes changed completely from the man he once was. They try to convince him to like stop saying its not what his wife would have wanted but he does not listen - in the lyric “preach all you want but whos gonna save me” - and continues to spiral into a life of crime and implied addiction (when in the chorus he says “give me all your posion and give me all your pills”)

HANG EM HIGH

THIS!! This is the one i can never fully figure out despite it being so good 🙏🙏 it feels like a cop out to say he suddenly becomes a cowboy or idk has to kill a cowboy but any other way i can interpret it is just the same old back to mourning his wife and dedicating his life to her so uhm yeah take any of those 3 or your own and run with it (please tell me if you know how to make this fit better than me)

ITS NOT A FASHION STATEMENT ITS A FUCKING DEATHWISH

Hes now so deep into his mission he cant quit despite the regret he feels. This kind of links back to his mocking of their younger selves in give em hell through the lyric “do you remeber back there when we met you told me this gets harder, well it did!”. Hes kind of pondering how his life got this bad wishing it didnt have to be this way. however he believes they will soon be reunited - evidenced through lines such as “im coming back from the dead” and the repeated references to resserection and him finding his wife, “your running out of places, to hide from me”. At the end, he says “i lost my fear of falling, i will be with you”, further showing he thinks he will soon see his wife again and simmilarly to the ghost of you shows hes willing to sacrafice his soul just to see her again

CEMETERY DRIVE

trust me the fake music video in my head for this goes HARD. So he visits the cemetary where his wife is buried to kinda tell her in a way? That hes almost finished and he’ll see her soon. And in my like the cool cinemetic imaganary music video he dances with her ghost but uhm plot wise hes kinda lamenting how much he misses here as the chorus goes “i miss you, so far”. Now theres some confusion as to how she died as here it says “and they found you on the bathroom floor” but in i never told you it says “they gave us two shots to the back of the head” so i imagine he got caught up in some like bad stuff and they killed her in their home - the bathroom - which does add some depth to his grief as he feels responsable for her death hence why he wants to bring her back so bad. His dedication to her is reinforced through the lyric “so i wont stop lying wont stop dying” which as ive said a lottt shows his like questionably large levels of motivation in this mission from satan. The repetition of “way down” at the end foreshadows the twist in the next song - that he's going to hell - and this idea has been building up throughout the narrative but its reaching its peak now and we begin to see it as a serious possibility considering the innocent people he has killed alongside the guilty ones.

I NEVER TOLD YOU WHAT I DO FOR A LIVING

Aaaaand im realising ive made it all the way through this without even having to check the tracklist which shows that i lack a life! But anyways this song communicates the concept so well and i genuienly could line by line delve into it but for the sake of conciceness as i have been i will just cover the basic concept

OK SO! Hes metholodically getting through this list (im inferring he has a list from the line “i keep a book of the names”) kind of rushing through them, seen through the fast pace of the first verse, in my head it resembles a video montage of the murder of multiple people off of the list. This is further evidenced through the lyric “another knife in my hands” showing this has somehow become his everyday life as hes become so detached from normalicy in his grief. NOW NOW NOW the lyric “a stain that never comes off the sheets” is an allusion to lady Macbeth (I FREAKING LOVE SHAKESPEARE) (im a hamlet girl tho honestly) where she couldnt wash the blood off of her hands which is a common literary symbol for guilt showing his mission has taken a massive toll on him mentally if we did not already realise this. “It aint the money and it sure as hell aint just for the fame” implies he does not enjoy killing these people despite the fact hes killed probably over a thousand people which againnnn shows his dedication to his wife. Now i know ive said that about a billion times but thats important to consider when we take into account that he does not get to see her again - everything he did was essentially worthless, in fact if anything everything he did just sealed his fate. Therefore, if we view him as a tragic hero (i can go so much more into this but thats for another day) then his hamartia is his love for her, his loyalty which kinda gave him tunnel vision meaning he could not see the flaws his plan and the way he was being exploited by satan.

now theres so much symbolism in the lyrics i could discuss (I LOVE THIS SONG) but i will refrain and kinda skip forward to the bridge/the end. I like to think he turns the last page in his book of names to just see his own name and then begins to spiral - this is where the song goes “and we all fall down”. Im preitty sure gerard ways like screams say “i tried” which like furthers this breakdown as he comes to understand all the wrong he has done and his inevatatable damnation. After a large moral debate he thinks it would have been better if they were both killed together originally “never again / they gave us two shots to the back of the head” and he shoots himself in the hope he will eventually be with her in the afterlife, and if not then a life without her is not a life worth living anyways. It ends with the lyric “were all dead now” (which they are) which reminds me of the rhyme/ game from when i was a kid ring a rosies (which i swear is about the plauge) and how that ends by saying “we all fall down” kinda showing the corruption he brought into the world and that everything must come to an end. This is typical of a tragic hero - his anagorisis (realisation of his flaw / mistake) and then his death - which is why i personally do veiw this album as mostly conforming to troupes of traditional greek tragedy :).

aaaaand thats it!! I dont count bury me in black or desert song as part of the album plot uhhh if anyone else does id love to hear how that sounds so cool but yeah!!! Oh and sorry again for any typos and spelling errors i cannot spell for the life of me uhmm this could be so incoherent for all i know (if so sorry!!) but i hope not 😛

lmk if you’d actualy wanna hear the full yap poetry annotation style for a song cause i love nothing more if not talking i might do the same for danger days if i feel like it so watch out 🔥🔥

[reidmania]

KISS IT BETTER !

miguel o’hara

PLEASE READ AN, ITS VERY IMPORTANT TO THIS STORY

summary: reader has never been good at talking about emotions, always dealing with the guilt and feeling as if a burden so it often leads to pushing people away… but miguel wants to know.

warnings: mentions of mental health, mentions of depression and depressive episodes, pushing away, self sabotage etc

I HATE the end of this, it was so rushed im so sorry

an/ i want to start a series where i write different characters comforting readers or characters with certain mental illnesses because i know a lot of people don’t get that sort of comfort and recognition and i know theres a lot that isn’t talked about and i really want to bring awareness to it. this touches on a few topics but im happy to write individual works, and they can be about any character.

this

PLEASE if there is anything you want to see written about in this series send me a message and tell me whatever it is, and any certain details you want included. it would be so so deeply appreciated.

the kiss was soft, so soft you wouldn’t have felt it if you weren’t already half awake, despite your eyes being closed. you knew it was miguel, leaving for work.

you could feel the way he lingered in the door way after whispering that he loved you. you could almost sense the worry in his posture, not even having to look at him.

you stay still, eyes closed. it was early, you had no reason to be awake, yet you were. you waited until you heard the front door close to open your eyes and stir in your position on the bed.

you missed miguel, you were asleep when he got home, from late hours, and you were asleep when he left in the morning. you no longer visited him at the HQ like you use to, purely just not having the energy to even leave the bed most days.

it seemed as if every moment, that should shine in golden colours, had been replaced by grey. the days blended together, you couldn’t remember what day it was or what time it was.

you held it well though, the house was always cleaned by the time miguel got home, his food was ready in the fridge, for when he got home. he had no idea about the constant overwhelming fear of day to day life.

you wanted to tell him, but he was dealing with so much as it was, and the last thing you wanted to do was put more pressure on him then necessary. you grew up in a house hold where talking and showing your feelings was seen as weak, and it had just stuck with you.

it wasn’t that you didn’t trust miguel, you did, more then anything. but you didn’t think it was important, of course you had gone through things like this before, you could get through it.

the day went on, eventually you got out of bed, showering, no matter how shit you felt, you’d shower, if it was just you there, you probably wouldn’t but there was that fear that if miguel saw how bad you were effected by this, he would leave.

the house didn’t need to be cleaned, miguel had cleaned his dish when he finished eating. it was late noon, miguel wouldn’t be home till later, but you preferred ered to cook earlier so you could go back to bed and wallow in self deprecation.

halfway through cooking, just basic spaghetti bolognaise, you heard keys, the front door. you furrow your eyebrows, wondering who it could be since miguel wasn’t supposed to be home till later.

until you heard his voice.

“amor, i got off early” he yelled out, you squeeze your eyes shut, as he yells out your name, eventually finding you in the kitchen, body turned to face the stove where you were making the meat.

“baby- it’s early. why are you cooking so early” he asked, walking up to stand next to you. you just shrug, not saying anything. your mind now linking with your stomach, a bubble of anxiety filling it.

“hey- talk to me” miguel said, grabbing your wrist to stop you from mixing, which was just an excuse to avoid the conversation- he knew you.

“wanted to get it done so i could finish cleaning” you mutter, miguel looks around at the already spotless house. “baby- its clean already”

you just shrug, still not looking at him. he turns the stove off. “miguel” you sigh. you were burnt out, completely burnt out, tired of everything lately, waking up, everything being so repetitive.

“talk to me” he says, his tone wasn’t quite begging yet, but wasn’t demanding either. “what am i meant to talk to you about” you run a hand through your hair as you walk away from the stove, leaning against the counter.

“whats going on with you” he says, tilting his head softly, you squint your eyes. “nothing, miguel” you say.

“obviously it’s something, its like i haven’t see you awake in days, you don’t come to the hq, the house has been spotless lately, which is a massive indication of something being up since you only clean when you’re stressed, just talk to me”

you feel anger, but you aren’t angry, youre so insanely tired and drained that everything is just pissing you off. “can you just drop it, oh my gosh” you say, leaning off of the counter to walk away, miguel only follows.

“i just want to help you, baby.”

you audibly groan. “god!! miguel you’re a superhero, you help people who are being attacked or are in danger!”

“i think you are in danger” he says softly. you scoff, miguel doesn’t take it to heart. he knows something is up, and he knows its bad. you aren’t one to yell or get angry like this.

you cant really explain how your feeling besides wanting to smash your head into a brick wall.

“miguel, can you just leave it alone!”

you walk away this time, miguel doesn’t follow. he runs a hand through his hair, beating himself up on the way he approached the situation.

you sigh as you walk into the bathroom, locking the door behind you, you slide down against it, pulling your knees to your chest, guilt eating you alive at how you reacted.

you hated how your hurt always came out in anger, it was like you had no control over it. this is why you just deal with it alone.

you don’t realise you’re crying until you open your mouth to take a shakey breath, the taste of salt filling your mouth from your tears. you know miguel deserves an explanation, he deserves better.

you want to be better, but you have never been close to anybody like you are with miguel.

its insanely scary, the fear he will leave if he finds out how truely fucked you are.

you didn’t know how to cope with having people close to you, and having people who genuinely care, it had always been a challenge to open to.

you run your hands over your face as you hear a soft knock on the door, “princessa.” miguel says softly, probably the softest you’ve ever heard him talk.

you stay silent on the other side. “you don’t have to talk to me about it, and im sorry i pushed, i just care” miguel said, you could tell he had his head against the door, because of how close his voice was.

“just come out” he says softly. you pause for a moment as you hear the slight crack in his voice, you were shocked that he hadn’t already left, your outburst was embarrassing and you shouldn’t have taken it out on him like that.

you shuffle, miguel hears it, then he hears the click of the lock, he steps back as you open the door.

“im sorry”

“im sorry”

you smile softly as you and miguel talk at the same time, “i am sorry, i shouldn’t take my feelings out on you.” you say softly.

he shakes his head, opening his arms, you shuffle towards him, letting his arms wrap around you tightly. “just want to make sure you’re okay, baby”

you frown, “im sorry-“

“i know baby, ive noticed” he cuts you off, he could sense you didn’t want to talk about everything that was going on, but he wanted you to know he was there.

“im going to have tomorrow off, an us day. lets lay in bed and cuddle all day, do whatever you need to do,” he says.

you look up at him.

“thank you”

“course, cuddles and kisses can almost fix anything” miguel says softly, kissing your forehead.

“not dead, kisses wont fix dead” you say, smiling up at him from his arms.

“yeah, but you aren’t dead, so i can kiss you till youre all better”

[knifearo]

Hi! i've recently been coming to terms with the fact im very likely aroace, with aromanticism being the Main One on my mind since i've been struggling a bit with accepting that its possible i may never Be in a traditional relationship, mostly due to the fact that so much of what people set up as milestones to reach in life revolve around romantic love.

I just wanted to say i've really appreciated your blog, its been really nice see your posts and its just been helping a lot in trying to navigate all this :) aromanticism feels like its not talked about anywhere near as much as it should be (feels like it'd help not only aroace ppl but like. everyone), and if i'd known that so many people felt this same way sooner i think it would've brought some relief.

it's been especially tough lately i think with not being a teenager anymore, meaning all my friends around me are finding romantic partners and i guess its tough not to feel like the 'second choice' (some of this stemming from anxiety rather than actually how they treat me), and navigating how i feel around all that (also realising that at this point im not just a late bloomer lol). its been a real help finding spaces online that have people talking about their variety of aspec experiences, and its nice to know there's others like me :)

hello, my dear anon <2

first of all: i'm so glad to provide a space for you that's helpful and comforting. community is so important, especially in experiences that can feel so isolating; no matter how you're feeling, at any point, there will always be people here to support you and listen to you and stand by your side. the aspec community is so important to me and i'm so happy to hear that it's been good to you :)

second of all: coming to terms with being aromantic can be difficult, for sure. the fact that so many of us use the words "coming to terms" is significant to begin with; it was very much the same for me, where it felt like a grieving process for a life that i never really wanted but was Told that i should have. it's difficult to work through the knowledge that the entire course of your life, as people set it up for you, is going to be changed away from what you were told would make you happy. this obviously isn't the same for everybody—i have a lot of people in my notes talking about how aromanticism was a wholly positive, freeing discovery for them—but. y'know. it's not like that for everybody, especially not at first. breaking out of amatonormativity is no easy task. just to express that i felt the same things right alongside you <3

especially with the fear of losing everyone around you to relationships... i mean, i think this is where community comes in again. there's a beautiful world out there where people are more aware of the intricacies of non-romantic relationships and the harms of amatonormativity and in that beautiful world we'll all be secure in knowing that our relationships with people will be important no matter the nature of them, but in the meantime, the security of being friends with other aspec people who are aware of all of this can be really comforting. you'll find the people who will stay by you no matter what, eventually, but forming those relationships with people who already understand is really nice. just like any queer relationships, i think. obviously there are cis people who will be cool but oh, the beauty and comfort and joy of t4t relationships in any form... aspec4aspec (a4a? do we have a general term for that? ace4ace aro4aro etc.) relationships are very important to me. helps to deal with that irrational anxiety, too. :)

one thing about being aromantic is that you will look around at the world and realize how innately helpful and revolutionary aromanticism would be if more people knew about it... again. a beautiful world someday. what we do for now is keep talking about it and keep sharing aro joy and keep developing our own important non-romantic relationships and promoting relationship anarchy and establishing our own lives and personhood on our own terms. so happy to have you here as aroace if that's the term you do land on <2 adore you, treasure you, etc., and i hope you have a wonderful wonderful day. feel free to check in anytime about anything! the ask box is always always open. xoxo

[transfemme-shelterdog]

foxtrot here. (before i get into it, i am an adult, i was just put into school late by my parents, like age seven instead of six for grade 1 etc. im also from the global south if its of any importance. so i graduated with kids a few months to a year younger than me. you can call me a baby or whatever i suppose but its important for what im going to share aha) so i had my last day of school today, and i have my graduation party tomorrow. and i am so incredibly sad about it. because school was literal hell for me (such severe anxiety that i physically could not go to school sometimes + parents who "dont believe in mental health" and also im in stupid amounts of pain. but my parents dont believe me and i hesitate to call it chronic pain) and i literally hated every moment of every day but. my god will i miss my lunch period with my friends and skipping PE classes with a fellow artist to do art instead. i started crying when i realised ill never get to laugh with all twenty of us in the same room ever again and it was soo embarrassing but like. yeah idk shit hurted. i also failed physics which is SO inspiring for me, an aspiring astrophysicist. i nearly had a breakdown in school but im so brave i kept it together until i got home. i cant believe ill never get to go in the bus again. uh yeah so i failed my physics preboard but i still have my boards to give and im so so scared for them because i literally studied 11 hours a day for all of my subjects and still only got about a 50% average grade across chemistry, biology, maths, and english, PLUS a failing grade in physics. i just. man. its been such a rollercoaster of emotion. i was so excited to make the most of the day and i DID. i DID make the most of it. i cant believe ill never play basketball with them again. or kho kho. or kabaddi. god. but i also failed in the one subject i truly adore and i will never see my friends in school again. god... sorry it got so rambly im just. not feeling it.

You poor thing, I'm sorry to hear you're going through all that.

Let me tell you something, high school grades, they're important sure, but not as important as most kids think they are. They're never as set in stone as you think they are. If you're wanting to apply to a university course, there's a lot of places that will do online courses, that you can do, to redo grades you failed or missed, and they'll replace the existing grade on your record when you apply.

I took some online courses to pick up courses I didn't grab first time around when I applied to my University. I took a year off, studied and took the courses, and applied and had no problem getting in.

My point is, learn from your mistakes, ask for a copy of your exam, and see where you missed marks. Then, hire a tutor. Have them sit down with you, go over what you didn't get right, identify your weak spots, and study those. Then, retake your courses online, and apply to your program.

Life, it happens, ok? Shit happens. Nobody is perfect. We all get knocked down here and there. But, it's what you do when you fail that matters. Don't let this discourage you, let this motivate you to get into your dream program.

I believe in you Foxtrot, I know you can do it. Even then, I'm very proud of you for trying your best, and this setback doesn't make me think any less of you <3

As for your friends, I'd get their Discord or Skype or WhatsApp, and keep in contact with them. Set up monthly meetups where you do things together, keep the friendship alive.

[mathlann]

Thought Dump about YM and being heir, and some other stuff.

The circumstances in which YM got declared heir is a whole nother long-ass post in itself, but I do think the starting trouble of his heir-dom is both that he represents a Lot™ as far as the von Valancius dynasty goes and the choice to foist that on him was mostly a rash decision Casimira made before he was born and now they're both stuck with it because by the time she started to reconsider it was far too late.

Like, being a regular Rogue Trader's heir is a lot of pressure, but he is also the first von Valancius born in the Expanse for at least the last 3-400 years (Theodora being from Scarus and Casimira being Calixian), the first heir born after his dynasty became the most powerful one in the region, and (quietly) a living result of his mom's particular policies regarding Aeldari.

Which is a lot even without even without factoring in parental issues! And no doubt the above became a factor that contributed to Cas deciding not only to publicly make him heir presumptive but also go out of her way to have the "Royal Baby Legitimacy Experience" (with plenty of bribes and negotiations under the table) on Dargonus. Which, barring some quarrels about not having him be born in the capitol world, worked very well in signifying the continuation of the dynasty etc etc.

But at the same time being an only child and heir presumptive kinda did mess him up in a way that definitely isn't helpful to making him want to be heir. Because Cas is very disdainful of hereditary nobility without merit, and inasmuch as Cas' protective shield of exceptionalism extends to her son, YM does on some level recognize he is the very type of person his mom would usually be bitching about after a long day at court. And so, like both his parents, he tends to draw on his origins as a form of self-justification but unlike his parents he doesn't yet have any big deeds to back up that self-belief and therefore deepens his own anxiety around failure because if he's not careful he rationalizes himself into being the thing he's scared of being.

Another "not helping" thing is that Cas learned how to be Rogue Trader by trial and error but doesn't really want YM to have to do that yet. So she gets big on him having a formal Noble Education so that he'll have a good base to work with, despite that fact that he is her and Marazhai in all the ways most calibrated to frustrate her and so doesn't take to hardly any of them. Not because he's not smart enough to grasp the material, but because neither of his parents had to sit in school like this and they turned out fine, so why should he care about Administratum procedures when he could be out in the Heathen Stars adventuring or something? The underside of this is also avoidance, in that failing these things are also a reflection on him so to get out of being "the Heir who tried and failed Administratum Procedures 101" its best to blow it off entirely. Which irritates his mom, because while she understands his wanting to go out and learn the hard way, the tedious shit is important too and its not boding well that it doesn't seem that he sees that. And thus the eternal war of "Im too good for this" and "I'm failing" continues eternal.

Having parents with very different timescales also doesn't help, nor does the fact that his mom and direct comparison point is kind of a fluke. Like on the one hand his young adult years mean nothing to Aeldari in total lifespan so he has time, on the other hand his mother was ruling a large chunk of the Independent Expanse by her early-to-mid thirties, Realspace Time. So being in his twenties and still not even having command of his own ship stings.

Making Marazhai more explicitly a Corsair Prince in my canon does offer a lot more when it comes to "what could've been" for YM. Because by the mere fact of his existence he was never going to be a bastard with nothing. There is a potential future (and one he'd probably like more) where he was just Cas' bastard and was Marazhai's heir presumptive. He wouldn't have the same cushy future job security for sure but the role might have fit his temperament better. Or he would just inherit a different flavor of parental issues and long to be a Rogue Trader's heir. Who knows.

Heir blues aside, YM also does have a perfectly calibrated "fucking with my parents" gene and makes it his business to cultivate a circle of "not necessarily harmful but personally irritating" set of friends and acquaintances to be on hand for social occasions where annoying either parent is the goal.

One of his "learning how the Administratum works" lessons was absolutely getting Jae the renewal of her Mercatum Tabular Rasa. It was a success....ignoring suspicious blood stains and the disappearance of a particularly annoying clerk.

During his eventual Gap Decade with Marazhai he probably gets some training from a Void Dreamer, a type of Aeldari Corsair Psyker that helps ships navigate both Warp and Webway. This solves one of the bigger problems in his life, being that he can't totally atrophy his abilities to the same extent as a Drukhari but following a Path like an Asuryani would send Marazhai into a fit. Void Dreamers, being adept at Warp travel, would be able to help him manage his senses during longer Warp Jumps without necessarily having to resort to violence.

[likesunsetorange]

I’m a e2l fan so I want anything you could give us about it like characters likes /dislikes ? Small snippet (sorry Im so excited for this fic I’m asking for alot :,(no pressure though <3)

love you hope you’re doing good

hiii! you're so sweet, ily2! i'm mostly good! a little stressed bc school but i'm keeping it pushing haha

and you're not asking for a lot!! i've actually been talking a lot about this au with a few of my moots lately so i've been itching to share about it so honestly go crazy with asking about it!!! since i haven't gotten as many asks about this au i guess i'll make this ask kind of long and just kind of dump some of the stuff from my notes into it? and i have a tiny snippet i can share too!

so i'll just go on a long ass tangent below lol

okay, so first thing about this au, the one thing i really want to emphasize (without spoiling) is the whole thing about this au is that their breakup reason is important, but also that nobody in particular is at fault. sometimes life just happens, and things happen, and sometimes you just need to take a step back and re-evaluate yourself, your goals, and what you really want! it's about coming back together and choosing that person in the end because you realize not being with them is worse than whatever drove y'all apart!

tbh a lot of this au is partially inspired by my own breakup & how the experience of me getting over it! i was in my early 20s for the first time being single after being in a relationship since i was a teenager and i was like woah wtf idk how to be single/without a partner. so that's a big focus of that! learning how to find yourself and realign your goals and all that!

but we can get into the characters now!

eren:

definitely is a bit more obvious about missing mikasa, but tries to act like he doesnt (he has her highlight still up lol, not doing a good job at it)

mostly just works a lot while they're not together

after they breakup, mikasa moves out of their apartment, so he's stuck seeing all their stuff all the time

the first time they see each other its messy, they get into a big fight lol, they aren't allowed to hang out together lol

but he realizes pretty fast that he regrets the breakup, but he sees that mikasa seems to be doing okay, so he wouldn't wanna intrude on that

he gets armin in the breakup basically (mostly bc he sees armin more, but armin still talks to mikasa, just not as much as he does to eren obvi)

he picks up some of mikasa's hobbies bc he misses her so much lol he's down horrendous

at the very least does miss mikasa at least as a friend

mikasa

after their breakup, because she's kind of trying to spite eren, she starts going out a lot to cope—her "hot girl era" essentially lol

she definitely starts prioritizing herself a lot more, and spends more time with her friends and figuring out what she wants outside of eren

but she definitely misses eren, she's just better at hiding it lol

she partially thinks he just doesn't want anything to do with her anymore (a lot of this is just them being fucking idiots lol), and she basically doesn't try to stalk him or see what he's up to bc she doesn't wanna know out of her own peace of mind

she has very bad flight anxiety so when they fly to italy, she lowkey kind of hopes that eren doesn't change his flight (he does bc he has to do something not even to be petty), and she has a very terrible flight experience and all she wishes is that eren were there

and here's a little snippet! this takes place the day after they break up!! sorry for rambling LOl but hope you enjoyed my little tangent! :)

“Damn, Mikasa,” Gabi called out from behind her, only causing Mikasa to turn around. “We didn’t know you went out on weeknights.” 

Gabi, one of the college freshmen who worked at the gallery, had a tendency to say whatever was on her mind, never bothering to filter herself. Even if Mikasa had grown rather close to her since she started working at the gallery in August, sometimes she wished Gabi would just shut up.

Mikasa scoffed, confused as to what even prompted her to say that. “What are you talking about, Gabi? And don’t cuss so loud, especially where guests can hear you.”

“Your eyes, they’re all red. Not to mention how bad your bags are,” she said, pointing to her eyes. “Seems like someone was a victim of Sunday Funday.”

Mikasa lifted a finger to touch her eye—still puffy, but from tears, rather than drinking.

“Gabi, you’re not supposed to say stuff like that—it’s rude,” Falco chimed in.

“Hey, it’s not my fault she can’t handle her alcohol,” she shrugged, turning back toward Mikasa. “It’s okay, Mikasa, the prettiest girls are always the biggest lightweights. But anyway, are you feeling okay? Does our favorite party girl need some Tylenol? A Liquid IV, maybe? Even a Gatorade?”

Was she supposed to answer honestly? Tell them that she had spent the entirety of her night crying because she and her boyfriend had broken up. That she was sure that the cops almost got called by their neighbors from how loud they were yelling at one another? That Sasha couldn’t even understand her when she called, telling her she needed somewhere to stay because she stormed out of their apartment, not even giving Eren the chance to finish his sentence, somewhere after one of them had uttered the words, “We shouldn’t be together anymore?”

She had been doing so well, pushing the thoughts to the back of her head, trying to get through the entirety of her shift without thinking about everything—about him. She only had an hour left in her shift, but all of her efforts had been to no avail.

It was as if the wind had been knocked out of her, she suddenly lost the ability to breathe, and she felt all the blood drain from her face.

We aren’t together. We aren’t together. We aren’t together. The words playing in her mind on loop.

“Hey, Mikasa. Are you okay?” Falco asked, his eyes flooding with concern as he looked over Mikasa’s current state.

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” she said quickly, before running off to the bathroom.

But maybe just this once, Mikasa was lucky for Gabi’s inability to shut her mouth—at least being hungover was a good enough cover for sobbing her eyes out in the bathroom.

[wulfums]

how is the domestic labour split up in the scudwulfertron household…... Is it all mr b…. Do shenanigans and arguments break out ?!? also you should just talk about your thoughts on their domestic life in general i would love to hear Your Ideas :D

I think it tends to be mostly Mr B and Wulfington cleaning up! I feel like Scudworth claims to be there for emotional support. When Wulfington was pregnant + for a while after it was just Mr B cleaning, though Scudworth was very very involved with taking care of baby Wesley so he does do something.

Cooking is almost always left to Wulfington because he enjoys it + is good at it! though sometimes they all just say "fuck it" and doordash or microwave some pizza rolls.

The only part of the house that Wulfington + Mr B don't do anything chore-wise with are the bathrooms- Scudworth has to clean them because it's his fault they get so bad. And he does but he's mad about it the entire time- though he does get the most grateful thankful kisses from his husbands when he does so its worth it even if he personally does not see the big deal about Cleanliness.

Jumping all over the place but I think before Wesley was born, Wulfington was very worried that Scudworth wouldn't want to be involved in her care at all, so he was so pleasently surprised that he is very much so. Man doesn't even complain abt changing diapers(Not like that could smell worse than his personal bathroom we saw in s2 e1...no im not over that) and loves his daughter so so much.

I think both him and Mr B really love taking care of baby Wesley, and since he is the only with with actual experience raising a baby, I think Mr B tends to be Overinvolved because he's so used to his two husbands messing things up a lot (While he loves that about them......the baby is important) and he will overexplain how to do certain things. I think it takes a while for him to finally step back and let the other two parent more. Like, while Scudworth and Wulfington do take care of her, Mr B just gets very anxious with all the terrible what-ifs. Man does NOT want to lose another Wesley, you know? So I think its understandable.

You know that convo between Trixie and Stripe in the Bluey ep Faceytalk? About how Stripe feels like Trixie won't let him be much of a parent bcuz she gets worried and wants to do everything herself? I feel like a convo like that had to happen. And honestly I think Mr B is like. Pleasently surprised specifically with how good Scuds is for caring for their daughter.

Wulfington is more anxious trying to take care of Wesley but he tries very hard- but Mr B is always there to re-explain to him how to do things without judgement. Wulfington forgets things due to his anxiety a lot and is so scared of messing up and appreciates that his husband will calmly re-explain things.

I think the household does not have to invest in pest control when it comes to like. Rats...skunks(you know thats an issue here)...critters. Wulfington will catch them. He will dress them + cook them and use their pelts for taxidermy. He mostly just has the urge to Attack Kill small animals(Dog Instinct. Wesley dealt with this until she was around 5 or 6, and ended up growing out of it.) but he doesn't want to just...kill it and leave it there. He still respects the animal(Except a specific skunk </3) and wants to use all of it, which is why he learned how to do all this.

I think every morning before school they all do eat breakfast together. Someone is ALWAYS gets up late so they're always kind of rushing- but in a sweet way like in disney sitcoms you know? They also just tend to lean towards Eggos and English Muffins and other instant stuff or things like bananas rather than like. Actual cooked meals. It's way too early for Wulfington to do that. He will on special occasions but otherwise do not ask he will Growl at you.

Since they are all going to the same place, I feel like the layout of the car is Scudworth driving, Wulfington in the passenger seat (Sometimes he sticks his head out the window. Wesley thinks this is embarassing, but his husbands think its adorable. Until they see Hereditary and are like yeah maybe don't do that anymore. And Wulfington is like :( ) and Mr B and Wesley in the back. It's the same when going back home as well.

When high school first started, Wesley really really wanted to use the bus like the other kids. She didn't *need* to but her dads wanted to at least let her try it- turns out she hated it. It's overstimulating as hell. So while she was embarassed to always come to school with her dads before then, she know feels smug about it because she doesn't have to be on the schoolbus.

At bedtime, Scudworth, Wulfington and Mr B cannot sleep without

Telling Wesley they love her and goodnight

and 2. Sleeping in each others arms.

I feel like they have such a hard time sleeping if there isn't at least one of them there with whoevers there...which does happen. Mr B and Scuds still go on trips with just them, Wulfington has to make trips to the compound, and then sometimes Wulfington will either go out on a trip with Mr B or Scuds. They love all being together but alone time like this is super important too so everyone feels equally loved. But during these times, whoever is at home alone usually struggles to sleep.

.............alright that was a Lot im so sorry. this actually uhh calmed me down from how i was feeling? so yippeeee!!! i love talking abt this family sm. im always down to answer questions abt them

[hex-maniac-rambles]

Long overdue intro post,,

HI HOWDY HELLO!!!

- My name is Vil, but for tumblr purposes you may refer to me as Hex as well - I use he/they/she pronouns, but i tend to prefer masculine terms - I'm 17 going on 18, so please keep your comments SFW until then - I have awful social anxiety so i rarely respond to things, but i do love being interacted with!! it makes me jolly - I know i started with pretty much only Pokemon, but this blog is multifandom!! My fixations change VERY fast, so dont expect one thing for too long - I am very much aroace, so my interest in characters is usually only really strong admiration

My other blogs:

@pkmn-hex-maniac - Colress insanity. will likely be pretty inactive due to my fixation changing @hexthanasia - For the occasional shitty edit. ive been editing a lot lately because its fun, but theyre too bad to post on main LMAO

Thats all the important stuff i think.. I'll put some other unimportant stuff below because I'm having fun doing this :]

My interests!! (current ones are bold)

Guilty Gear

Team Fortress 2

Pokemon

Madness Combat (mostly due to my boyfriend)

Persona (Persona 5 Royal specifically)

Soul Eater

Delicious In Dungeon

Undertale

Overwatch (unfortunately)

Mob Psycho 100

Jojo's Bizarre Adventures

Lupin The Third

Ultrakill

Vocaloid

Random tidbits:

I like cats. like. I really, REALLY like cats

My favorite color is yellow

I yearn for the men in white coats.... (i like scientists)

I LOVE MY PARTNER!!!!

I usually draw without sketches (traditionally)

I tried a drawing pad once, but ive gone back to using my mouse (i was too used to it, couldnt move past it)

My favorite trope is found family

my favorite types of characters are big intimidating guys with big hearts (i just dont get to draw them because im so awful at drawing different body types and i dont want to get them wrong. i need to practice that) ((also scientists. i love scientists.))

CHARACTERS I RELATE TO!! HELL YEAH

Crona - Soul Eater //if we ignore the mommy issues, theyre literally me

Chopper - One Piece //creature... myees...

Purson Soi - Welcome To Demon School, Iruma-Kun! //guy who blends into the background but yearns to be noticed? yeah

Futaba - Persona 5 //she even dresses like me man i dont know what to say

Sobble - Pokemon //I LOVE THAT THING!!!!

Also, i would like to thank the few mutuals i have here. As corny as it is, knowing that there are a few people who check my posts is pretty much the reason i have motication to still check this website (often i get too anxious to even open social media) you guys are cool :3

[deludedmarimo]

don’t worry about a late response!!! i don’t mind waiting for you!! i hope your anxiety eases with sleep!! i’m trying to type this as fast as i can but i have so much to say… i took a little nap while you were away!! i’m sorry your food wasn’t good :( i’m proud of you though!! sustenance!!! chicken tenders and cheese quesadillas are usually soo so good!!! i hope you’re improving too!! eating issues are such a problem for me.. taste and texture and smell are so important and i will also refuse to eat anything i dislike !!! i’m glad you’re feeling better after your bath!!!

there’s definitely a balance to be had between relaxing and working!!! i like to be busy only when it’s stuff i want to do!! which isn’t always the case… sniffles and cries!! i have a comfy cave too!! my mom calls me a bat because i keep it dark, but it’s literally the most comfortable room in the house!!!

a set sounds so fun!!! i don’t have a lot of space either which makes it hard to create things!!! i have so many projects off to the side that i just don’t have room for!! mess for the win!!! organization feels too stifling… i definitely want to!! easy sounds nice!! i hate challenges tbh, it makes me feel all wonky!!! i’ve had Enough challenges !!! but i need to work on that.. delayed rewards and all!! i’m glad you can stop when you get too frustrated!! that’s so !!! silly of you!!! glue is fun but the texture is Not fun for me!!

studying you under a microscope!!! watching you eat and grow!! taking little notes on your behavior!!! you’re so kind !!! i’m glad to have helped!!! you aren’t silly for your worries!! your love of nature and wildlife if so endearing!!! i am. a fan of bugs from afar!!! <3 i apparently had an ant farm when i was younger that i straight up do not remember!! what kinds of plants do you have?? i don’t see enough sunlight to keep plants i don’t think, but i’ve had a few before!! i had a cilantro plant a few years ago and i had some kind of bigger leafy plant i don’t remember the name of !!! i haven’t heard the word vivarium before!! i think . i hope you get to have all of the plants and bugs your heart desires!!! would you want to have fish too??

i have to be in a specific mood to enjoy gore!!! but i got really paranoid over the episode with the mushrooms and the episode with the angel guy.. i couldn’t comfortably sleep for a while :( but!! i really liked everything else!!! it’s so cool that you met the actors!!! will graham coded… unhealthy/toxic relationships in media are fun !!! fun fun!!!

they are literally so so evil wtf. it’s so unfair that stress and anxiety can cause nightmares !!! i am always stressed and anxious </3!!! i can feel pain in my dreams too!! and sensation in general!!! i wonder what the cause is… that’d be interesting to know!!! i’m glad you don’t have nightmares as often anymore!!! i had a dream journal and i’ve had friends who asked about my dreams but !!! no longer… that’s okay!!! my dreams are super detailed and silly, they’ve been likened to books and movies!!! my mom thinks i don’t sleep well because i dream in such detail, but i don’t know if that’s true!! i tend to work backwards but forget the earlier parts of the dreams… i wish i could just Project Them down somewhere in perfect detail!!! i want to save some of them!!!

ba dum tss!! your pun made me giggle!!

soon soon!! i’m a nervous little thing!!! i’m glad you find me delightful !!! that makes me unbelievably happy to hear!!! you’re very nice to talk to, too!!! ໒꒰ྀི´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა <- i love this little sheep..

-🦦

good morning! (evening now by the time this is out ..) (edit. it is 3 am. i am probably sick .) yawns . i woke up a few times, so im a little bit sleepy still ... even if its . still rather early in the day. oops .... there also is still not enough food to energize me . may try scrounging around for ingredients to make a smoothie in a second!! if it ends up giving me more energy, i'm going to go work out! my anxiety did cease, thank you! no worries about typing fast, i'm also alright with waiting. you have a life of your own, after all. i also. type a lot so it can be difficult to properly respond !!! i hope you had a good nap. i'm not the greatest with naps myself as they usually end up with me still being exhausted and wanting to sleep more ... i fall victim to sleepiness far too often !! during finals week when i woke up early to study, i'd get grumpy over being up early and chose to just sleep instead . it's better to sleep than study anyways !! it's rather crucial to have your brain properly functioning for exams. it's alright that my food wasn't tasty, at least i tried it! i agree that they're yum!! they're usually my comfort pick when i'm somewhere different. they can be bland and/or basic, but some places make them taste so good.... i'm glad i enjoy at least one meat so i can consume it for protein . i dislike the others.. i hope we are both able to work through our eating issues!!! i am sure we will, with enough effort!!! food is so frustrating to work through, especially when our brains will fixate on the smell/taste/texture/looks unconsciously .. i am determined!

i struggle to find that balance Often .. looks away and whistles. i don't feel fully relaxed and free from work until it's all done. even if it isn't due for weeks or months away, it's stuck on the back of my mind like a parasite .... so 'relaxing' in the middle of my work isn't ever really a break unfortunately. you're valid for that! not many wish to work on things they don't like, i think it's rather common to only be passionate for your interests. luckily i enjoy any kind of work!! (nerd). i try to keep my blinds open to let the light in my room, despite me not wanting it, to Try and get sunlight to not be a complete shut in ??? but perhaps i should just fully embrace it ..... i'm incredibly pale anyways ! our families should just allow us to live in our caves. shakes my head ...

it's lots of fun so far! i've already spoken about how my crafting is messy, so having a set does eliminate a majority of it. even if it's . still messy .. a lot of the items are done for me and i just have to connect them myself so! there are crafts that don't take much space, like digital art, but i much prefer doing things with my hands unfortunately... i do do digital art, but i haven't in a while since ive been so busy. (also have been craving to do more physical art!) perhaps i'll try it out more once i finish my current project. i can't do much else anyways, with my limited space. organization is far too limiting, you're correct! why add another thing to stress over while you're already working on something else? it makes no sense ... i enjoy challenges myself! i like having something to consume my mind and put my effort towards. i often have nothing to do, so having an activity to take up my time is nice! they are rather stressful for most, so i get it!! sometimes i'll end up far too irritated for my own good, but emotions are nice to feel! changing your perspective on something you dislike can be rather difficult, but i believe in you !! even just the feeling of completing an arduous task can be worth it. (coming from someone who has played several challenging games in my free time with . No reward ..) i am just a silly guy!!! i've never considered the texture ... it is rather oddly . Goopy. what i hate about it is when it sticks to your fingertips. one of my most hated sensations is the feeling of my fingerprints . so when i have to touch it in order to get the glue off ... (　˙-˙　) eugh. . .

i hope i'm helping with whatever research you must conduct (๑>◡<๑)!! feeling so studied right now !!! rolling around in my petri dish. my brain is often goofy.. it feels many things as nonsensical to worry over, but that is also how i was raised. must be independent and cool.... i love animals so much!!! autism !!!!!! i have so many books about animals . . . do you know what a coati is? i think you'd find them silly. sometimes it is better to admire things from afar, so no worries! better than outright demanding bugs as your enemy and wishing to kill them all. i dislike people like that . . . ant farm ?? i've never had one! i've seen plenty in museums and videos, but never of my own. it seems like it could be fun!! i enjoy watching creatures progress through their life. with my pet isopods, i usually open the lid and just stare at them for a bit .. love watching them crawl around everywhere and navigate their surroundings with their tiny legs. i have a money tree, sorrel tail, some other succulent i do not know the name of, snake plant, another plant i do not know the name of, and a lemon lime prayer plant. not a lot, but it's something! i used to have more cuttings since i was propagating them but . the propagation failed . so . . there are low light plants out there! i had some in my dorm and they thrived just fine (got zero sunlight!). i also don't get much light through my windows... if i could, id have a monstera... alas, those require bright indirect light which i do not have! a cilantro! herbs are always pleasant to take care of. i love reaping the rewards of my success.. my all time favorite are peppers . so fun to grow and snap off .... a vivarium is an enclosed area used for raising animals or plants! vivariums are specifically for animals, while terrariums are specifically for plants . mine had isopods roaming around! yes!!! all the creatures!!! i have had some fish of my own before! i love caring and looking after things. it's also a good way to get me out of bed in the mornings, as ill need to be feeding them or whatever they need. they're also nice to stare at. free entertainment.. well. not exactly free since you pay for their existence but. you get my point!

(sorry if i'm incoherent or jumbled from here on out ... it's rather late and i have a headache. sigh!! cursed!) that makes sense! it's better not to force yourself into those things, as it can be intense!! i unfortunately was revealed to it at a young age ... the internet was Not regulated back then. oh well! i personally only have myself enjoying SFX gore in movies or film, as i'm iffy about the ethicalities of actual gore-- much of it is of actual victims. i used to suffer from paranoia when watching any sort of horror! looks around . leans in close and whispers. when i was younger, watching danganronpa made me insanely paranoid . . . it's odd. attack on titan Also gave me such feelings! i'd constantly be fearing over titans being real and doing my best to mentally prepare for it-- though it would. never really happen. brains are weird! i apologize that it made you feel like that, but i hope you're able to take the steps to avoid the triggers in the future!! never force yourself to consume things that make you uncomfortable. you should seek out that which brings you joy! i am very will graham coded!!! we are both insane dogs that need to be tamed by an insane person... they are so fun!!! many have lots of intricate symbolism to look into, especially hannigram !!!! the director did so good with the figurative language he used within the show... i hope to become that skilled in writing as well someday. i struggle lots with expressing myself properly ... i like unhealthy relationships since i can project onto them ! society's version of 'healthy' never really worked much for me. it gave me much more stress than it was worth . being the one more obsessed never ends well ... unhealthy dynamics are also more intriguing to me.

incredibly unfair!!! especially since i am constantly riddled with it anyways! it's mediated with my medicine so i don't have as much as i could, but . still. i hope you're able to garner ways to remedy your anxiety! for me, distractions work best. breathing exercises don't really do much ... i'm too impatient to sit in place for that long, and i'll also be tense over doing it correctly. sometimes i have to let it boil over which is always the worst ..... if you ever need someone to talk to, i'm here! i promise i'd be better with advice/comfort when i'm actually functioning . i am malfunct at the moment!!! i should really sleep, but i wanted to get this out before i do so. you can?? i've never met someone else who shares that trait! it's a very odd phenomenon. i also wonder the cause! and the reasoning as to why it happens. i can't think of a good explanation as to why our brain would cause us to feel More pain than we need.... perhaps the reason is that our brain is just a silly guy ..... nods in understanding.. i'm also glad i don't have as many nightmares. for you, i hope you don't have many either! friends come and go unfortunately. i've never really been able to ever keep them for long... but i also am rather unlucky with the people i run into. i do not know how to make friends, so ill leave it up to random chance and it doesn't usually end well. i meet far too many that are emotionally immature ... which makes sense considering my age but. still. you can always tell me about your dreams! i'll ask you about them. mine are the same, being insanely detailed and taking after books/movies! they won't be direct copies, but there's definitely similarities. i believe some of them would make fantastic stories. your mom does?? i've never heard of that being a thing ? i wonder why she thinks that. i believe that it's so detailed because you're in deeper sleep. you want deep sleep! there's probably a much better reason than mine, i'm just saying off the top of my head !! now i want to go read studies on dreams..... i think it's normal to mostly remember the ending of your dream? as you'll wake up from that and immediately process what just happened. now that i'm thinking about it, i also work backwards.. i'm sure if you got back into dream journaling, you'd work up to being able to process your dreams in better detail!! just would take a while.

i'm happy it wasn't too horrible! i adore puns. i'm easily amused by them!!

no rush at all! it's definitely nerve wracking. i've never been an anon, but i can imagine... of course i find you pleasant to speak with, you've been nothing but good to me! i also enjoy having my energy returned. usually i'm too energetic and talkative for others so i do my best to tone it down... looks at this ask. looks back. i'm rather talkative aren't i.... apologies.... don't force yourself to respond to all of this! i'm perfectly fine with responding in short asks, so we can talk easier. usually i have one long conversation and one short conversation with people. (´∀｀=) silly little sheep!!! i love kaomoji!!! the sheep has such cute bows ....

[naturenaruto]

ksjdjsjdjd just saw a post about how 0-29 is the ~prologue~~ of ur life and how ur life doesnt ~Reyally™️~ start until ur 30.....and how ppl are just gOiNg To Be smarter more attractive more talented more comfortable over 30.........listen im 31 and let me tell you i would rather have been attractive talented comfortable with myself etc BACK WHEN I WAS A CHILD A TEENAGER AND IN MY 20S OKAY I DONT WANT MY LIFE TO JUST B E G I N AT FUCKINF 30 i wantes my life to begin at 0!!!!!! at 1 day old!!!!!! at 5!!!!! at 10!!!!!! at 15!!!!!! at 20!!!!!! fucking even 25!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i wish i had been hot and talented and comfortable younger, because then that means you can ~~~get started~~~ sooner and have so much more time more experiences less time waiting to Become™️~~.........i really hate this new trend of people saying ur life starts at 30 theres really something so grody about that to me like they try to make it seem encouraging but it seems like they just want you to cosntantly keep waiting waiting waiting for ur life to begin and then BY THE TIME IT DOES its too late its already fuckin over i donr want to be a fucking 50 year old with a sports car i wanted to be a 25 year old with a car, did not have to be luxury. i wanted to be happy with the way i looked as a teen and in my 20s, what the fuck do i care now that im over 30? i wanted to be attractive in my youth because thats when it actually fucking matters i dont enjoy the fact that so much of the problems i had were because no one would help me and i didnt have the money or the awarenes to help myself which is complicated ofc but its not like life is about being hot im just saying i really resent the fact that i wasnt hot when i was young because THATS WHEN YOU WANT TO BE HOT. WHEN UR YOUNG. i look back on my teen years and my 20s and go wow it wouldve benefitted me a whole lot more to have money and be attractive and be more comfrotable with myself than now...after 30........like its great that it FINALLY happens but wouldnt you have rather. ot had crippling anxiety and been able to just go out ans have fun in ur youth.......id rather be hot from 13-29 then have it go downhill rather than to just start being hot at 30.....its like those are the Fun Years those are the important years i hate this idea that ur life only starts at 18 or 30 like what the fuck. ur life is continuous lmfao it doesnt just pick a day to start and i wish i had done things a whole lot sooner than waitingwaitingwaitjg until finnnnnallyy i gettttt to begin my life like what the fuck i wish i had been hot and talented and carefree in my 20s rather than in my 30s BECAUSE THAT WAS AN ENTIRE DECADE OF ANXIETY AND STRESS AND MISSING OUT ON EXPERIENCES AND NOT FEELING HAPPY OR COMFORTABLE WITH MYSELF so why wouldnt!!!!!!! i want that to start earlier!!! the sooner the better lmao like try to do thigs as soon as posible so that u can enjoy as much time and experienxes as you can dont just wait wait wait until u can finallllly start ur life it reminds me of that shit where they go dont wait to use the good vanilla dont wait to use that candle or that stationary set like use it now!! and i love that bc i think theres something wrong with telling ppl to keep on waiting for their life to begin bc it takes somuch time and experienxes from them and it puts them on a staved off backburner and then theyre finally too old to really enjoy things like yay i have a sports car...but im 50 and what people are gonna fuckin care about that? like i finaly achieved it but its so late???? how can u enjoy it if ur old....like yay i finally get to go on that tropical vacation but ur 55??????? like what does that ecen matter anymore lmaooo like yay i finally get to travel the world.....after retiremenr?????? in my fucking 60s???? when i have to stop every ten minutes to catch my breath and my whole body aches and i cant just run around and be carefree and enjoy????

i wanted good health and to like the way i looked and to be doing something interesting in the beginning of my life, not the fucking end.

i wish i had gotten thingns done sooner and not waited so that i wouldve had so much more time and experiences. ur youth is the time that matters anyone who says ohhh ur life is just beggingi g at 30~~~ hee hee is suspicious to me like why do i have to wait? until im too old to care? too old to feel like i can still do things? too old to have a wild time? ur suppsoed to do that in ur teens and 20s, thats what that time is for. anyone whos like ohhh just waiiiit for it is conniving to me like why cant i go have fun and be what i want and do what i want now? why do i have to wait? and its because they dont want you to do the things you want they want to stave u off so that by the time you DO get around to it itll feel like its too late and theres no point

they want you to just wait so that youl end up changing ur mind and feel like well youths over theres no point and thats why......they dont want yoy to be young and carefree having fun they want u to be stressed and workworkwork until ur miserable and by the time u finally!!! get that car or house or plastic surgery or vacation then ur old and bitter and it wont even fucking matter any more and thsts wha they want! to ruin ur youth and childhood so that u dont have fun and it wastes ur potential

they dont want you to be carefree they want u on the grind worked to the bone fixated on until whenever yoy finaly get to ~start~ living ur life!!!!!!

its a scam!!!!

ur life is 0-30 thise are the inportant years anyone who says otherwise us just trying to ruin ur youth and tell u that thise years dont matter, they dont even count, theyre not important, only sfter ur 30 and have a career house mortgage marriage baby #1 THENNNN ur life finally begins and hmmmmmmmm why would they say that????? huhh?????

because they think the only shit that matters is work marriage baby baby baby baby baby

thats all they want from you, ur production value

work work work and then make baby baby baby

so ofc ur lifes gonna start after 30 thats what they want bc by then its all over snyways

they dont want you to see ur youth as important they want it to be as awkward and stressful and boring and unsatisfying as possible, so that u just feel like u have to waitwaitwait until ur finally able to begin actually living, which, convieniently enough, is only going to start AFTER its really over!!!!! they dont want u to know this

they just want youth to be uncomfrotable and stressful when it should be the best time of ur life

i wish i had been thinfs and done things sooner. i refuse to fall for the bullshit of ohhh it doesnt reyallllly start until ur 18/21/30/etc. like it starts from fuckin day one id rather have a sports car and be attractive and doing things in my 20s rather than my 40s. thats when it matters.

they just want you to waste ur youth waiting

because then ur not at ur full potential and ur limited and unhappy then thats how they get you

it matters so muchmore in ur youth pls dont waste ur teenage years waiting for life to start

[lovsome]

I hope you can talk to them soon. I've taken many meds that made me feel icky, but I eventually found one that works great for me. SSRIs don't get along well with my brain (except for Wellbutrin), so I took tricyclics. Specifically Anafranil for depression, anxiety, ocd, etc. Don't give up. I know it's annoying but you'll find the right fit, pinky promise. In case you need antipsychotics, Latuda or Invega are good ones. I know you have it in you to keep living. One day, life WILL be beautiful for you. It took me years to get to a stable place, but the important thing is I never gave up. Fight for what you're passionate about. What brings you joy. The things you love. Even if it seems insignificant, it makes you smile. Lately, I've been enjoying things from when I was a kid. Carebears, stickers, toys, w/e haha. It makes my inner child happy. What makes your inner child happy?

im so glad to hear you found a good fit for you 🥺 i try to think that im gonna be fine one day and the thing that keeps me here the most is the fact that i dont want to hurt my parents and my grandparents and ruin their lives but my soul is just crushed. and i cant talk about it without literally sobbing and feeling physically sick, so i avoid doing that even though i really wish i could just do it.

i feel you about the little things from when you were a kid! lately ive been a lot into sylvanian families, they are soo cute. i even bought one last week.. as a little treat. also ive been crocheting little frogs but even that i know is a way to keep my brain occupied 🫠 i am also very much into cute stickers and just anything that reminds me of when i was little. it seems silly but you’re right, buying those kind of things helps to feel a little less heavy. mainly though i think painting is what is keeping me here but at the same time i know its not really because of my passion for it but because making something makes me feel like i have some worth as a person… its like i have to always be doing or making something otherwise im worthless lol

[midnightmisadventures]

Ive had so many fun dreams lately but for some reason i’m coming to write about the scary ones

Um been having nightmares. Last night and today. And they feel really heavy, but important. And frankly i do hate them. Please no more nightmares. But maybe if i write about them i’ll prove to spirit that im listening and then they’ll stop 

First Dream: 

Last night i had a dream where the fam of 5 was traveling, driving road trip vibes probably to florida. We were all together packing the car and idk how but all of a sudden erikka was missing. And we knew immediately there was foul play. We were in a sketchy area ad there were cars going in and out and we were afraid she was kidknapped for trafficking. It was so anxiety inducing, and i tried to keep praying and have a positive attitude that she was strong, she would find a way out, she would show make it home. I kept hoping she would show up any minute. But as hours past i kept getting more worried that i’d never see her again, that something terrible happened. And i was crying and and already grieving. In this dreamverse apparently something similar had happened to dalvin a while back. And erikka used some sort of manifestation power to bring him home safely. So i felt like absolutely garbage that i couldnt do the same for her, i was beating myself up. I kept saying “im supposed to be good at this, i feel useless” 

Next Dream: 

This one was so so very odd. Basically we were at chip and it was the anniversary of this well known historical environmental event. And it happened near the west end fairgrounds or something. So there was a lot of hype and press in our area during this.... 100th anniversary or something like that. I don’t really remember, but there were 10 guys all brothers and they won a contest? or something? from someone in....ohio or some random state. Back in the early 1900s. Anyway, an almost catastrophic event was witnessed by a bunch of people. A huge asteroid hurdled towards earth and grazed the side of it (near west end fairgrounds) and chipped a piece of land. It was marvelous that only a few inches kept it from hitting earth directly and splitting the earth in half. Or doing dinosaur level damage or something else crazy. It couldve killed a ton of people or been an end to humanity. So whatever....a hundred years later or so, they were able to do a super techy demonstration and show what almost happened and what didnt happen through like a hologram projector and the whole town watched and it was really snowy outside and i wasnt wearing pants. It was just trippy to think about how something like that could happen at any moment and kill us. For some reason i made the comment “it always scared me that the fact that an asteroid hasnt hit earth with humans on it is completely by chance and hasnt happened yet which means odds are it WILL happen soon. But i always forget about THIS historic moment, which makes me feel safer in that something technically DID happen” 

Final Dream: 

Okay so again, at chip present day. And i wake up with a bunch of messages from people from high school saying to call....our class prez. Which was so odd, ive never had a personal relationship with him. But everyone was blowing up all socials and talking about something crazy that happened. His twin sister reached out to me and said to call him. Like PV social media was going bonkers!! So i was busy all day, it was always ET’s birthday maybe for a date reference? And the more i ignored it, the more people hit my line. Even claire, messaged me by the end of the day saying “call class prez he’s really not doing well” and i was like WOAH. Cause that means people wanted me to call him so bad that they had reached out to my friends who didnt even go to pv to get my attention. I told erikka “idk why they want me, is it because im good at saying calming words” and she said idk it seemed more specific like he wants to “apologize.” SO then im like what?? By time i call him its 1:03am. But he answered and apparently. A couple of kids from our grad class passed away and class prez was really emotional about it. I remember one being Austin H. And he was so sad and unstable that he made a comment online saying something along the lines of “this is worse than gilaine maxwell creating slave camps for black people” ???? Bro i have no idea. 

So class prez gets ALOT of flack for this comment. I mean its career ruining, he’s getting death threats. So maybe he wanted individual calls from black peers to hear their genuine opinion? So we’re on the phone and he’s profusely apologizing, saying what he said was unacceptable. He said “im sure youve heard my ghislane maxwell comment” i said no...havent got the chance. So he plays me a historic video about supposedly the “actual history” of these slave camps he was referencing. The video had this eerie 1900s black racist cartoon vibe that makes my blood curl. It was about these talented black people being condemmed and found guilty for things they didnt do. The evidence was so blatantly there and still everyone convicted them and sent them to be tortured and die at these camps. It was EXTREMELY unsetteling to watch and to be watching with class prez. Also in the dream, it felt inescabable and scary and for a little it felt like i was there. Like it was playing in my chip bedroom but i went top bunk and i could feel the sticks they were beating the black people with. It felt soooooo evil and sinister, and seriously idk what ancestors are communicating with me via dreams or what they want because this was DARK. So then class prez is asking for my take, and why it matters, and why its bad. And im saying he obvious stuff. The videos message was basically like “it didnt matter if black people were educated, doctors, laywers, scientists, hey were gonna slaughter and torture us anyway” so i didnt know if the vibe was like “be greatful that black people are allowed to have careers?? or get vengeance on white people....it was just so intense. 

So when the video was over and i got off the call, i was so uncomfortable and unsettled. Felt like i had waken up from a nightmare or finished a scary movie. So i desperately tried to turn all the lights back on but ofc it was a dream so everything was dim. Still didnt catch it though. I tried finding my parents for comfort. 

Awful right? No more nightmares 

[love-advice-on-call]

Hi brian! I have an anxiety disorder probably and ive always kinda shut out all potential romantic or less romantic opportunities. Im twenty now, so im not that old even, but i am pretty emotionally mature in general, so I’m really feeling my inexperiencedness. I iust started dating someone, its been very nice and i am very in love. Shes been going trough a rough patch lately so at the moment shes not always great at boundaries, she tends to overshare, and i dont mind hearing the rough stuff, but i dont know her well enough to handle everything and it sometimes triggers my issues with closeness and vulnerabilty, and i dont want to feel like running away with her. It feels like we should slow down a little bit. Do you have any advice on how to communicate about this? Or advice in general about how to build good communication would be appreciated as well, i have a hard time with talking sometimes.

Hi, for sure I think you sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and I can tell that you care about your girlfriend very much. You've definitely put a lot of thought into this and having the right balance of care for your girlfriend and yourself is a great starting point.

I think you should really just tell her what you told me and I mean like exactly. You've got all the qualities already of setting a boundary and communicating how you feel. You just got to say it to the person it matters the most to. Remember to focus on the setting a boundary part and let her know that hearing some of the heavier things can make you feel a bit overwhelmed. That doesn't mean she doesn't let you know what she is going on though. You guys can still work towards a medium. For example, she can give you a little preview before talking about something really heavy so you have a chance to decide if you want to hear it.

Now, part of communicating with someone is banking off the hope that they take what you said well. Sometimes you can say everything right, but if the other person isn't open to communication, then it ends up being a bust. It's kind of a rare case that it is a bust and you seem like a pretty reasonable person so I have confidence that your partner is also pretty reasonable. And don't worry about making what you say perfect. Even if you mess up in what you said, you (and your partner) should always be patient in working towards a mutual understanding.

Good communication is something that comes with time. A good base for a communication is almost more important than what is said and a good base comes down to being vulnerable, assertive, but also cooperative. She also shouldn't be the only one speaking to you about just her feelings, you also have to talk to her about yours. And this isn't as simple as hearing about someone's bad day; good communication is tested when you two have to talk about a difficult topic. One that you both may disagree on or something you are scared to hear the answer to. After you can get through some of those, then you can build space to talk about anything and truly build the trust needed to make a relationship flourish.

May 2, 2023