#im thinking 'have i messed up and how do i fix it'

[olderthannetfic]

Im neither a proshipper nor an anti at this current stage in life, but at one point i was an anti i guess? And I hate it say it, but looking back, I understand why. I don't think I actually gave a fuck about Harmful Fanfic or whatever, it was just a substitute for therapy that i couldn't get at the time (because "literally neurodivergent and a minor" or whatever, but like...actually literally neurodivergent and a minor LOL).

As weird as it sounds like, no one cared about my ACTUAL PAIN, and that made me feel EVEN MORE PAIN, so i took it out on ppl who shipped "abuse", or whatever.

It's so stupid now, as an adult who is mentally better than I was then, but as ridiculous as it was, seeing someone ship an "abusive" ship or a "queer erasing ship" (like a canonically gay character with someone of the other binary gender)...it felt eerily similar to the actual abuse I was facing and the stress that everyone was putting on me to find a boyfriend or ask why my (closeted lesbian) self didn't like any boys.

But it was so much easier to keyboard warrior about how people who ship Bad things are Bad people, than it was to fix any problems in my actual life because...well, the actual problems in my life COULDN'T be fixed. That isn't a learned helplessness thing, there was genuinely nothing I could've done. So pissing off Shippers was, like, a vessel for that, and it *felt* like I was getting to lash out at the same people who were ACTUALLY hurting me, even though that obviously is not the case. Funny thing is, it wasn't actual fandom discourse that made me switch sides, it was getting to learn more about youth liberation movements and stuff, because it was then that I recognized the actual structures that were making me hurt.

I think one silver lining is it's made me more compassionate an adult. While I don't have any defense for the antis who do actual horrendous stuff like doxxing or sending death/rape threats, etc, I do have a lot of defense for the ones who were like me and would just make posts talking about how Wrong it is to ship certain things. I know that not all antis are in the same place that I was once was, and some are just genuinely immature brats, but it's like. . . I get it, you know?

The cycle of abuse/bullying is weird and it's not often a 1:1 "I had an abusive parent so now i'll be an abusive parent", sometimes it's the chronically online stuff like I did. It's also why I'm careful-careful to not engage and to just block or, even try to have a mature discussion if I can, and if the person I'm talking to is just "a little bit annoying" rather than "actual bully doing/sending illegal stuff". A lot of them just want to be heard, I think, and it really makes me sad that this is the way they choose to be heard...but also i get it, because i was that.

--

Yup. We often discuss anti tendencies in this framework.

People want control over their environment when they have none. They want the world to make sense and for there to be simple rules they can follow to Never Mess Up. This is a very common reaction to trauma and also typical of brains that like order and neat boxes and a world full of justice and logic.

The trouble is that a critical mass of "I'm just pointing this out" type posts does tend to make all the other teens with an issue around moral scrupulosity implode. (And let's be real, plenty of the antis themselves are secretly into dark content and are trying to pray the gay kink away.)

I have some sympathy, but I'm still going to tell people they're sealioning when they are and tell them they're flat out wrong about how fantasies work, not sugar coat it because they're probably a delicate teen. There's no need to be excessively mean or treat people as irredeemable, but I also don't like how we talk endlessly about compassion for teen antis and not for teens targeted by antis. It's similar to how there are all those complaints like "Hey, I work hard to manage my mental illness, but all the support seems to go to people who are letting their issues rampage..."

[stargirlsturns]

MY CREATION MY BEAUTIFUL CREATION.

ˏ⸉ˋ‿̩͙‿̩̩̽‿̩͙‿̩̥̩‿̩̩̽‿̩͙‿̩͙‿̩̩̽‿̩͙‿̩͙‿̩̩̽‿̩͙‿̩̥̩‿̩̩̽‿̩͙‘⸊ˎ

Summary - Matt lives on the top of a hill in a normal town, but Matt.. He's not normal. Instead of returning his brothers calls he spends all his time in his laboratory, making his new creation.

Warning - smut, p in v, no protected sex. (DON'T DO THAT.)

"God - Fucking - Dammit!" Matt yelled, throwing his glasses to the ground, shattering the left eye. His lights flickered, another yet.. Failed project. Matt jogs up his stairs and through the basement door. He makes it ground level and sits on his living room couch.

He turns on the tv with a groan. He pulled off his lab coat and throw it to the side. The moment he got comfortable, there was a shatter. It came from the basement. He crept his way down. He opened the door to a void of darkness. He turned on the light as it flickered loudly.

He stepped down the old wooden stairs, each creaking as he put his weight on it. There was a slam then a loud 'fuck!' he looked past a pillar, and saw her. He laughed loudly. He saw his glasses and the bottom of the stairs and quickly went to grab them. He put them on, he groaned when he realized the left one was shattered. He turned to face his stretcher that was supposed to have a body on it. But the body... Was gone. When he turned back around she was closer. She had a sewn together leg, 4 arms, 2 on each side, and a crooked torso. She looked like a messed up science experiment, like she was. Because she is.

"You are a beauty.." Matt began to speak, she flinched as he spoke. She took a step back. Matt fixed his glasses. "My creation.. My b-beautiful creation." he stepped close to her.

"W-who are you?!" she screamed.

"Your creator, call me Matt." he said trying to calm her down. "I created you.. On accident. But you are.. Wow." he said in awe. "I'm going to call you... Y/N."

"Y/N..? Is that my name?"

"It is now, darling. You are perfection. Come here." Matt pointed to a mirror. She slowly walked over to it, stumping on her way. She stood in front of it. She screamed in a mix of fear and excitment.

"I'm..im a monster!" she covered her eyes and fell to the ground. She pushed herself to a corner and cried.

"Your not a monster! Your a beautiful creation. You took years and finally... I have you." Matt crouched down closer to her.

"How many others have you... M-M.." she struggled to find the word.

"Made?" he asked a she nodded. Looking up from her hands. "Your my third. But you know what else you are?" Y/N made a confused face. "My favorite."

"I h-hate to ask but.. Can I have clothes?" she asked. Matt didn't realize, he was to distracted by her face. Her beautiful face.

"Oh. Yes of course. Follow me." Matt stood up straight and offered a hand.

She took in and stood up. He lead her upstairs to his bedroom. He went through his closet and handed her a shirt that was big enough to cover her (he cut out holes for her other arms) . He found old joggers, he thought for a minute then went into his bathroom and grabbed scissors. He cut them into shorts then handed them to her. She put them on and sighed.

"How do you feel sweetheart? Sick, at all?"

"No. I just need to rest."

"To be honest.. Sleeping would be the worst thing for you right now. How about a nice drink?" he held out his hand. She took it and held on.

He took her back down stairs to the kitchen. He sat her at the counter and started a tea kettle. He heated it up on the stove then leaned against the counter.

"How do you feel?"

"Light headed.."

"You can speak just fine. You used to be alive, I assume. Do you like tea?"

"Chai."

"Mm. My favorite. Just like you." Matt brushed her hair behind her ear, and out of her face.

"How old are you?" she asked.

"34. Old. I know right."

"I was younger when I died." she said causing Matts eyes to widen.

"What do you remember?"

"I was... 23. And I think I was poisoned."

Matt sighed and took off his broken glasses. He tugged at the collar of his blue button up. He unbuttoned the shirt halfway. Y/N stared at his bare chest.

"Do I.. Intrigue you in any way?" Matt asked, undoing another button.

"K-kind of." Y/N adjusted herself in her seat.

The tea kettle went off and Matt turned around to make her tea. As he was stirring it. He unbuttoned his shirt all the way and left it fall the the floor. He handed it to her as she choked.

"Kind of.. What about now?"

"Yea." was all she said as she took a sip.

"I do have to do a couple more Experiments with you. How would you like to have sex with me?" Matt asked.

"What?"

Matt just nodded and gazed deeply into her eyes. "For experimental purposes.. Obviously."

"If it helps you. Then yes."

"Great. Finish your tea." Matt walked over into the living room and sat down.

He waited for her to finish, soon after she walked over with her head held up high. Matt stood up without a word and grabbed her hand. He lead he back up to his room and set her on the bed. He locked the door. He walked back over to her.

"Do you know what to do?"

"Yeah. Can I ask.. Why are we doing this?"

"I need to know how your body reacts to different things, Y/N."

"Got it."

He leaned down and pressed his lips against hers. He lifted the shirt over her, as he arms plopped back down. He reached down, looking up at her, he Roughly pulled down the makeshift shorts. She huffed in response. He took off his pants, he stepped out of them then laid her down. He crawled on top of her, positioning himself in between her legs. Y/N breathed out heavily at the sight of his hard cock. He pulled down his boxers slightly and alligned himself with her. He held onto her waist as he pushed himself into the wet, soaked, lips. She let out a gasp. Her second left hand going on his chest, her first right going over her mouth. He went slow, deep. He moaned at every slight push, everytime her tightness pulled him back in. He hurried up his pace, sound of moans and pants filled the large room. Matt wrapped his arms around her and humped fast. He pulled himself closer, her arms and legs wrapping around him. He thrusted hard, making the bed creak and the bed shake. Y/N on the other hand, was trying to find the words to tell him how good it was, how big he was. Matt had done his research, a dead creature like her could not get pregnant, so yes, he was excited to fill her up.

"Fuck your so tight." Matt said causing Y/N to whimper.

"W-whats this feeling?" she whispered into Matt's ear.

"Does it feel like a knot in your stomach?"

"Yeah. How'd you know?" her breath hitched.

He looked at her, then leaned in closer with a smile. "I'm gonna make you come." Matt laughed.

--

They sat up on the bed and took a second to breathe. Matt grabbed a notebook and wrote down everything about Y/N, how she reacted, how her body reacted, her emotions, everything. Y/N brushed her hair back and sighed. She put her clothes on laid down in the bed.

"Are you okay?" Matt asked, placing a hand on her thigh.

"Did you get everything you needed for your.. Notebook thingy?"

"Yeah."

"Are you sure?" she asked sitting up with a smile.

"I could add a couple more things."

A/N

This took a minute I fell asleep halfway through but wtv

[mushroom-through-the-stargate]

I have had so many "best friends" over the years, and none of them have ever quieted the voice that tells me that everyone always leaves me. because it's right - either I've left because I was getting hurt or they left usually for reasons out of my control.

BUT SOME RANDOM CANADIAN IN MY PHONE IS THE ONE I'VE NEVER DOUBTED?!?!?!

[waywardsalt]

with my phantom hourglass replay, there are two things i noticed;

a possible theme you could glean from the game is action vs inaction, and i think it's especially prevalent before you even leave mercay the first time, with oshus frequently urging link to not go after the ghost ship, then to just wait until the broken bridge is fixed, and seems reluctant at every turn while link and ciela are more than eager to go and do something about this problem, and the people of mercay in general talking about things and their problems but never seeming to act on their fears or desires, as well as the mention that due to the ghost ship, very very few people are still sailing around, while linebeck is one of the only people we see in the game actively going after the ghost ship and still sailing around. i might make a longer post just talking more about the action vs inaction in phantom hourglass but i just noticed it a bit and thought it was a bit of an interesting sort of theme you could find in the game.

linebeck moves so fucking much. i think he moves more than any npc in the rest of the game. not just in his intro cutscene where he is very animated, just in how much he moves when just standing in his little idle post, it's damn near distracting when the camera is focused on him, he moves a lot. i don't think i've really acknowledged how much he moves, and it really gives the impression that he's antsy or eager to get going, both of which fit him pretty well with how he acts.

[nomairuins]

i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is

[nerdie-faerie]

Just when I think the day's going well, I crash a golf cart

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[creaturefeaster]

the panic this document enduces in me when look at how much i need to edit is unreal...

[moving-to-dreamwinged]

my dad came in and saw me on the couch (for the first time all day and i had literally just sat down for less than a minute when he came in) w heating pad and immediately goes "you have two options" (different chores to do) (as if i was like 10 years old and getting punished for something that i didnt even know i did wrong). what about secret third option where you treat me like an adult or i don't come home for winter next year. Lol

[collar-shocked]

//Great time to remind everyone IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 18, YOU SHOULD BE NOWHERE NEAR HERE. You're only a kid for so long, you get to be an adult forever. MAKE IT LAST. FRIGGIN' WAIT TO ENGAGE IN CONTENT LIKE THIS.

//No one can protect you if you refuse to let them. These games and this fandom and content have 18+ tags on them for a REASON, and it's to PROTECT YOU. You're not cool, you're not edgy, you're not special, you're not grown up for ignoring warning signs that are set there to KEEP YOU FROM HARM, you're just an idiot for exposing yourself to that ON PURPOSE.

[bisaster-energy]

think i'd actually rather die than read another fic where the main plot point is cas trying to make up for something "bad" he did

[nomaishuttle]

anything exciting going on today guys. ive been playing sdv all day due to the devil resides within me

[waywardsalt]

mmmmmm two sketchbook linebecks im pretty happy with

[unproduciblesmackdown]

being alive at the time i gleaned some general elements abt encanto but never actually heard we don't talk about bruno beyond awareness it existed popping off & i think i heard like the title recited off key off rhythm but in a way that indicates speak singing nonetheless lol so upon experiencing it it's like oh but it's the Verses? while the last refrain goes harder but prior to that it's comparatively underwhelming to said verses which feels appropriate like verses / pieces of a larger picture & that a "we don't talk about him" as a disappointing Lid on infinitely richer more characterful & dynamic "but: talking about him" instances. like well personally it'd be like um seven foot frame....anyway besides being able to firsthand go like oh damn Real (the kind of thing you know exists if alive at the time) it's like alright hang on lol. one thing when a core theme is yeah like "is it a refuge if 'especial' vulnerability ultimately gets pushed out rather than made safer" subset like the parties whose even observation of truths (problems) & drawing attention to them is seen as Ruining Things, like if you're painted as Making futures that aren't simply what's desired or reassuring rather than a guidance via just observing & sharing the truth. but then it's like whaddaya mean living in fear of bruno stuttering and stumbling you could always hear him sort of muttering and mumbling lmao like now that's just Association between the Truth Perceiving & Telling behavior & behavior that's just apparently distinctive of the same person. & like Not Accidentally when [what if people were magic] specifics are obviously primarily abt a metaphorical meaning & like, indeed it was made clear like oh this situation isn't Just b/c [boo we hate your prophecies] & that [an Ability that isn't directed towards what anyone Wants / is "weird" even by these magic standards] isn't Coincidentally given to someone who just so happens to already be "weird" in other ways & be set up to have a different perspective & be pushed away due to having the supposed "extra" vulnerability of unmet needs / insufficient support, same as someone who doesn't "correctly" have any kind of magic ability....like yeah banger and also like Oh Yeah Kind Of Devastating re: that metaphorical resonance allowing for like [set the metaphor aside] now hang on with this about this disabled family member lol. misinterpretation to The Ruinerrr / The Problemmm / The Maliciousss etc (i.e. the scapegoatinggg) despite their efforts likely entirely to the contrary. then despite like, efforts aside, Just Existing, always kind of muttering & mumbling like & what of it. & then like oh sorry weird pets. weird [auspicious for adaptable tenacious thriving surviving; either way simply creatures, existing] pets.

truly like As Is The Idea I'm Sure quickly becomes like hands behind back standing at the window Uh Oh Sisters musing on all the [disabled person] metaphorical & already literal elements there. blair witching it in contemplation like We've All Been There whether being so resented for the mere disruption of "existing in a group as the 'abnormal' odd one out" or like people talking shit abt anything associated w/you as soon as you've left the room, which is also made relevant like, this wasn't Only directed at this person when seemingly permanently gone, nor were they unaware / unaffected prior....pacing in the Musing parlor like things don't Have to be compared to billions but i only ever even see so many things & it's like billions sure is like "get scapegoated rword" & then said scapegoating is presented as only beneficial & we hate autists & even beyond that it's like, grabbing billions, Imagine If Things Meant To Be About Something Were About Something. quite a contrast when they are & furthermore like, deliberate thought & Care for [who gets scapegoated & why] & the truth of like, people getting pushed aside & out who have a key perspective & are primed / liable to come through for others similarly vulnerable & the supposedly Ruinous, Problems Generating disruptiveness is actually the strongest effort to make essential changes to a group. & come through with like, it'd be undermining thee point if it was "reassuring" us like oh haha people will be supportive b/c bruno will be more normal, so great that it Didn't like no, no Normality Reassurance(tm), presence of abnormalities(tm), Good, & everyone Can Deal b/c if you don't then it's pushing this person away, is exactly what happens, including even if they're still Around but are being mistreated b/c that is entirely part of that pushing away like anyone's victim blaming is ready to pounce at any time but if someone can't stand to stay / leaves b/c they can't see another option like that's not out of nowhere nor Regardless of what full support & flexibility they were getting lol. these Active Measures everyone loves so much, which are everywhere always & would include Staying & Trying To Make It Work & those efforts would be "disruptive" & resented & Bringing It On Oneself & etccc smh

that is to all say like. Woww when clearly basically the core thread was these beats of like, the crucial site of [thee scapegoated], & why that comes down on someone & how that plays out. endless ideas about how someone weird(tm) & disabled (&/or queer. but there's no Or here lol. & again like it's a Context like, to even be the one person without kids? likely not living up to "full" correct sexuality in that way alone; any oppression's logics of "inferiority" being logics of ableism, ready examples being that "inferior" race, gender, sexuality (& their experiences as people classed as inferior) all being pathologized as disordered) are seen & treated as someone Ruining Things & who cannot belong like whew. bracing. winding. which, i also recall like i was watching with headphones & during this one dialogue pause i was like "?? what's this Extra Sound i heard there" & had to go over it like twice before being hit upside the head like well it Was still the dialogue pause but it was also bruno Stuttering in a very quiet whisper for the duration of that pause before continuing like iiiiiiii x_x

[steampoweredskeleton]

.

Ignore

[eruhamster]

not to be annoying but i do think a lot of people mischaracterize falin. shes got the most drastic canon v fanon thing going on. which i guess makes sense bc 1. we dont see much of her and 2. lot of the fan stuff are anime-onlies that have seen even less

but i think like a good 90% of the time i see falin-centric art or posts im like hrm hrm hrm thats all wrong no nope no-siree

she's just a cool chick that takes life as it comes, doesn't hold grudges even against a mother that apparently was trying to beat the magic outta her, finds her older brother the coolest person in the world, and has autism about observing life (and death, she loves the ghosts she has a connection to) and nature and taking care of things (including taking care of her brother, which is why she's even in the dungeons; she saw her scrawny mess of a brother and decided she had to fix that).

and i think my favorite part that people don't talk about is... she would have done the same for marcille or laios if it were one of them that was eaten. you could see it in her eyes:

it's what shuro misunderstands about her. it's easy to see her feminine, cute, good girl pieces and forget the rest of her. but she loves things to an ends-of-the-earth extent; the kind of caring that makes you a little insane. and that's how I think she and laios end up on the same page with their weirdness. they have different interests, but they are the same level of committed to those interests.

it's easy to love her, because she probably loves you just as much, if not more.

EDIT: for the love of god stop reblogging this only to add some comment or tag or reply saying 'op you forgot [BLATANTLY FANON INTERPRETATION]'. falin as we know her is not a pushover/people pleaser/infantilized, see this version of my post. also stuff like 'female shuro was in love with laios in the genderbent comic' and 'falin was going to marry shuro because she felt bad' are just things you made up in your head