#im so................ FUCKING exhausted yknow !
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god i hate everyone
#who thought it would be cute to immediately start ribbing me about how hairy and bald and ugly im gonna be when i go on t#one. im taking minoxidil. two. i wanna be hairy. and three. im not transitioning to attract you guys im transitioning to attract other trans#people! other trans guys find it hot come on!#like ok so dads brother is out here rn right#so first mom tells me hes gonna ask me questions about being trans. ok fine.#second she starts going on about how i had to be emotionally vulnerable with like 3 different therapists for this. whatever.#then when i start participating in the conversation she immediately asks “so how are you feeling about losing all your hair”#THEN she has the audacity to say to my uncle “yeah its sort of a gamble hes either gonna end up hairy like the italian side or fairly#baby smooth like yall“ when she fucking KNOWS that im dysphoric about my lack of body hair#and this happens every time! and its out of nowhere constantly!#all the while the cis men in the room are fucking bullying me with all this toxic masculinity bullshit!#sometimes i just wish i had never come out is all im saying#kept this a secret until i became an adult yknow. yeah i would have to do everything myself but it wouldn't be like this#just because i told you that you could call me a fag doesnt mean youre suddenly allowed to do microagressions constantly#shes tickled to fucking death with calling my future bottom growth my “teenie weenie” what the fuck! what the fuck!!!#and meanwhile every time i try to say words or make a joke my dad and grandpa jump on the fucking opportunity to correct me! or cut me off!#sorry im fucking exhausted i barely slept at all the night before last and got i think maybe 7 hours of sleep at most last night#and i just got out of therapy which always wears me out
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Every time I write a comment on ao3, every single time I always start the comment off by saying "I wish I could write a longer comment but-" and then I always have to go back and delete it because I end up writing like at least 3 paragraphs....
#its like: ah i dont have the words to describe- ah nevermind yes i do#i get self conscious abt it but then i realize that whenever someone wants to talk to me abt my work +#or leaves a lot of tags. i get so fucking excited or happy#and rvery time i post smth internally im like:#if you liked this could yoh please leave an MLA formatted 500 word minimum comment thank you#not because i think my stuff deserves to be praised that much im not that egotistical lol#but like yknow i always wanna talk about it deeply and exhaustively so yeah!!#so i should not feel weird aboht ir bcs id probably cry if someone did the same to me so :)#catie.rambling.txt
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vulture update: so many that apparently multiple people called the police, who showed up and proceeded to say "yup it's a dead dear, that's a lot of vultures, maybe try animal control? good luck" and then left. so that was cool.
#also i got denied for giving blood bc they couldnt find a big enough blood pressure cuff#to take a good reading. which is bullshit because ive given blood there and at other red crosses a dozen times before#so that was really embarrassing. and then when i got home the police were here.#and then they left and my family got home and my sister had a huge breakdown#because my dad was an asshole- like always#so it's been a fucking day.#yknow when every straw feels like your last straw but there are always more fucking straws#because i came home at the end of my rope and had to put it aside in order to be the only one advocating for her#and helping her recover. like.#it's exhausting. im not allowed to have a breakdown because then who would fucking empty the dishes and put the groceries away#and sit with her while she sobs so hard she throws up and get her medicine for her after.#i dont know guys i dont know...
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*shakes curly awake* PLEAZE WAKE UP AND FRONT JIMMY IS DRIVING ME INSANER
#GOS WE'VE HAD A DAY SO FAR AND ALL WE'VE BEEN DOING IS SLEEPING!!! FHFHFJFJFJFCJDKDK#jim's being very. very. very. clingy. and im going Insane ok#idk what we are anymore but im not scared of him at all he's fucking PATHETIC he's not even a poor little meow meow he's just pathetic.#it's hilarious actually. it's hilarious how pathetic he is#but also holy shit it's been just me and him up front today and yknow you'd think that would be Hell for me given what he did to me#but no he KNOWS. HE *KNOWS* I HAVE THE UPPER HAND HERE#HE *KNOOOOOOWS* I CAN JUST KILL HIM DEAD IF I WANTED TO. and i think h#Oh I can't say that? ok! HDDHNDDNDJDJ#anyways can someone take him away from me. he wants attention and he wont leave me Olone <3 SHDHFHFJXJXJX#pk;m Cloudy🌦️#and i DON'T know what's up with curly man mr 'i wake up with the body :))' NO YOU DON'T BITCH#YOU'VE BEEN ASLEEP FOR 3 DAYS!!!! WHAT!!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#we've been exhausted ig and recovering spoons is. certainly a Process. but jesus christ 3 DAYS?#I'M TIRED OF BEING TIRED. CURLY IM GONNA FUCKING DEFENESTRATE YOU
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back to thinking i should never speak to another human being again
#probably just bc of the weather#see i got really overstimulated from the heat a bit ago#& now im just exhausted#will be going to sleep soon#i dont think i can be fully calm until i sleep for a bit anyway#but :( i dont want to have to stop listening to music :(#:( im also sad that my father fucked me up so bad about music that i had a hard time really enjoying it even just a few months ago#bc <3 music <3#im just sad in general#kinda want to look at old childhood pictures#or those books we wrote together#:( but unfortunately i ripped those up & threw them away years ago#bc i was so angry at her#& i didnt want anything of hers in my room#but those were also a really big part of my childhood#& thats just gone#yknow someone from my old school got married recently#at 18#which sounds quite worrying#she was lovely :) her whole family was really nice#but they all married early (generally not to the greatest people)#i think i actually might throw up#??? ive never felt this sick just from some memories before ????#mine
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just woke up from accidental nap to find out that now that ive endured hell last night (3 hour graduation ceremony) theres also a celebratory dinner happening. i have to shower and get ready to go out. AGAIN
#leologisms#throws a tantrum about it. god im so tired im fucking exhausted.#yknow what my fault for being unemployed and the younger child. and not wanting to get a job and never leaving the house.#yeah its fair that my parents will continue to treat me like a toddler forever. because ill never get a job. so i guess once i get sick of#it ill just kill myself. smile.
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oh i need a long hug or something
#or yknow like to be held while i fall asleep. or something#being sick ish and so fucking exhausted is doing this to me im so sorryhjdgfj#rambling
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it hit me what makes me the most miserable abt my work week is how it’s just school all over again. just hanging in there until the weekend. repeat. repeat. repeat
#5 outta 7 days im at work. 2 days of freedom#2 days to do chores n run errands n relax n sleep n draw n catch up w/ friends n go places#and if u gotta reschedule itll be weeks before ur available again#like for months now ive tried to get together w/ friends but our days off dont match n shit keeps coming up#not to mention im fucking tired! im exhausted! i want to sleep in and then draw the rest of the day!#i think the worst part is that back in school.. at least it didnt matter as much? because it all led to an end aka graduation?#like i didnt mind the wait for next weekend as much cuz it was temporary#like eventually ill graduate and then ill have freedom! (i thought? for some reason??)#but now its like.. the weeks are going by so fast this year is already almost over i turn 26 in 2 weeks#and this is.. the rest of my life? like youre kidding right? this cant be it?#i get off work n then i have to take care of the cats n chores n then eat dinner n then shower n then its late and i gotta sleep#before work the next day. i dont have time nor energy to rly do anything#and ill get that feeling of like. oh well at least it brings me closer to the next ‘weekend’#but i dont wanna live weekend to weekend#i mean im thankful to have a job n coworkers i love like i truly hate it there sometimes but i also am happy and thankful for it#but yknow.. it shouldnt have to be like this#i worded this so much better in the shower but im tired of feeling like school part 2 like what the fuck man#ive had work every single day since we came back from our trip n i just dont have time/energy for anything#i need to open commissions back up but i havent even gotten around to starting one a friend asked for#not to mention this years christmas card ive barely got the sketch done for#and again. my favourite holiday. halloween is on tuesday and while we did plan halloweeny stuff it just has not felt like halloween#i havent had any ideas/energy/time for any halloweeny art#+chores n errands etc lmao we havent even been to the grocery store yet (calling us out here)#it just. suuuuucks aaaaaass man the world is so beautiful life is a gift i dont wanna spend it like this
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tell me you've never been around non-white leftists on tiktok w/o telling me you've never been around non-white leftists on tiktok.
it's SO fucking prevalent over there, it happens constantly, i accidentally typed out bisexual at one point and got a threat of suspension, another one for just saying ass or bitch, you Can get flagged for saying politically leftist things, and it's also not just tiktok. it's been years since youtubers experimented to see what would get them banned and demonetized based on titles, descriptions and content in the first 30 seconds. channels i watch are constantly uploading and reuploading with new titles and cards and it's all that same thing - can't talk about race, can't mention black people whatsoever, can't mention queerness.
This Is A Thing. you're just telling on yourself and what your fyp looks like. because it's very clear as to what gets shadowbanned and what doesn't. y'all seriously sound like conservatives.
#original#fucking hate it here#white liberals arent far off from conservatives and it drives me fucking crazy#idk what the person in the tags is but i sure know that the op of that post + the person i got it from + most reblogs are yknow#obnoxious and annoying white liberals#im fucking tired#the original post is just exhausting too. especially with how people were grandstanding with it and showing their ass#so im down a mutual 🙃 because i cant do this shit anymore w them
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this is going to sound bitchy and it is. but its my blog so who the fuck cares. i am so annoyed with all the fucking x reader fic in the challengers tag right now - it wouldn't matter if people were polite and tagged it as such, but it's crazy that you have to block individual "[character] x reader" tags because people don't have the common decency to tag their fic as "x reader" generally to make it easier to filter.
#i hate yall for real sometimes#like ykinmkato yknow#but also im sick and tired of fucking reader insert shit in EVERY tag of things i care about#and people dont tag in a polite way! so its exhausting to have to block a million fucking tags#im mad.#if you like/read/write x reader fic i dont hate you. but if you wont fucking tag it....#tree talks#im not putting this in the movie tag im not a dick. not that much of one but still#and even if you filter the tags half the fucking search results are 'this post contains filtered tag' like GO AWAYYY#but i'd rather deal with that. id much much rather deal with that
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im still not over the sleep thing one sec i gotta rant about this shit
#i think the problem now is that historically my sleep habits have been Really Messed Up by what can loosely be called insomnia my whole life#its always kinda just been a given that if im in bed and i cant sleep there is absolutely nothing that can be done to help#and thats not for lack of trying i have tried every meditation and suggested solution possible. it does not happen.#if i cant fall asleep and try to force myself w/o distractions i will be awake staring at the ceiling for hours. usually till the morning#thats not an exaggeration it happened often before i gave up on it. so i figured out coping methods!#namely 1) making sure my body is taken care of as well as possible to make sure its not caused by pain or hunger or anxiety#and 2) not trying to force it and accepting itll happen when it happens. and then reading a book or watching a show on a dim screen#until i physically cant keep my eyes open and then i can fall asleep. if i try any earlier than that no dice. my brain wakes itself up again#these worked for years! but now thanks to adhd meds that actually make my brain quiet. uh. these same coping methods are. not working#im physically tired and start my usual routine and wait to pass out while reading but i just. dont. ever.#like. the physically tired feeling has never made a difference in my body cooperating with sleep. but now apparently it will????#and ive been ignoring it??? bc im used to it not working? i tried just. closing my eyes and trying to lay still yesterday and it WORKED#after like. 10 minutes or so. it was fucking crazy. i thought media and pop culture was lying about people doing that.#anyways. apparently i can fall asleep like a human and not some kind of weird chronically exhausted cryptid now.#(because of new adhd meds to be clear) but i havent been because i didnt even think to TRY it. since. yknow. cryptid status.#shits weird.
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im having so much fun on this uni work trip i wish i could post abt it
#im saur fucking exhausted like yknow that kinda exhaustion that makes your entire body overheat. it's that#but most of my friends are here and a lot of us got put in the same room so it's especially fun#it's like a holiday except way more tiring#also they said there'd be one meal a day but that meal is literally NOTHINGGGG and there's#no plates and no stove and the village we're in has 1 store and 0 restaurants so we're constantly hungry#but like i dont even mind any of it it's all so fun. hopefully this adrenaline will carry me through the rest of it too#barking#also it's not confidential or anything im just too private to go into details but mann
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another day anotherrrrrrrhfffffhffhfjfnggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
#pk;m stan👓#th. oh god the fatigue it hurts#ffuckin.... our body is exhausted it hurts to lay Down. it hurts to sit up#we feel so weak. what thte fuck#the question is would a cane fix this? would it help? i ront ono2 im scared.#the insuertts dont help anymore#we feel. so dizzy and weeak make it stop#yknow i think we'd benefit from arm crutches or a walker more tuan a cane and that SCARES me. we cant ask for that#not because of the fear but because mom would NOT get us 9ne of those#... mm. i hate it here
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I've officially dropped out doing the pinefest. The fic I had planned and started is currently about a 6th of the way done. I don't know if I'll save it for next year's pinefest or post it sometime in 2024, but this one is important enough to me for it to definitely get finished. Trying to do the pinefest has pushed me even more into wanting to write, but also made me extra aware of how much my disabilities impact my writing. I really look forward to next year, and hope I won't run into something huge that stops me then like happened this year.
All of this fucking sucks and I'm super disappointed, but I'm not really disappointed in myself. There are obviously times I could have been writing on it that I didn't, but also I've got a bunch of various physical and mental health issues that severely impact my ability to write and to make myself do things. It's been nearly a month since I got covid, and I'm still struggling to recover. I still have shortness of breath, coughing, fatigue, and various cognitive issues. All of those things impact my already existing issues, and the fact that I'm able to get even just a little bit of writing done is great.
So overall, basically all of my writing is on the back burner at this point. Things will get written when I have the urge to write them, and at this point only one thing has a due date. The plan is to not commit to anything new with a timeline unless I can quite literally finish it before signing up, at least until I can breathe properly and sit in my chair without flaring up my back.
#zeph posting#my impulse attempt from this morning is only at a total of 492 words bc I started having Symptoms™#that one will also be finished and either saved for a thing or posted. probably posted.#being disabled is fucking exhausting and the fact that it stops me from doing the hobbies that keep me insane is just. its a lot yknow#this post doesnt come across as super upset and im glad bc im not upset at myself at all but im just super fucking disappointed#im tired and i want to do the things i love without being in too much pain to do them#anyways. im either going to go take a nap or lay in bed and read#ive been at my laptop for too long bc i just hoped i would go back to writing but im just so fatigued
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me: i feel a little better :) maybe i can do things now!
me as soon as i wake up: ah.
#a dot original#god help me im exhausted#and nauseous#storm dont look im about to talk about food things %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%#the good part about not eating enough most of the time. is that i dont feel hungry when i have Sickness That Makes Me Incapable Of Eating.#the bad part (other than the obvious) is that i do not have stored energy#so im just wiped flat.#JDDJJGJDJGD#*i know my eating habits are bad unfortunately i am too exhausted to make food most of the time#so i subsist on sandwiches and trail mix#and fruit.#unfortunately neither of these things are edible when im having issues keeping food in my body so. yknow. im a little fucked. hdjdjgkdgd
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i already took medication for my leg today but it still hurts an incredible amount. this world wants me dead.
#i am. in so much pain.#like it started getting rlly bad when i was on the phone with friends and it made me like. shut down#i didnt wanna complain bc i dont need solutions. i really dont need their advice.#nothing against them there's just nothing they can do about it so why bring it up yknow#fuck im so tired#this is so exhausting it actually takes so much out of me just to exist#i need to just sleep forever. anything to get this shit to stop.#the medication does not help. not that ive seen.#im prescribed an anti arthritis medication and iiiii dont think its helping#im so incredibly tired u guys#like. fuck. im so.#ugh. kill.#is this a vent???? sure we'll call this a vent#vent#rant#chronic pain#long tags
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