#all the while the cis men in the room are fucking bullying me with all this toxic masculinity bullshit!

[erisolkat]

god i hate everyone

[tigerdrop]

I think we should talk more about breeding kinks here specifically with whatever men you're currently thinking about. I finished read your snippets on your website so that inspired this anonymous question.

god. i have a lot of insane things i could say about it. WRT daniel and jamie. i want to put it under a readmore b/c im embarrassed but i dont want to use one b/c they dont work right on my theme (SO IVE LEARNED) so heres captain sisko cardboard cutout

this is probably going to get weird but daniel is a weird guy. full disclosure

uh. god. i had a whole long thing typed out justifying it but all u really need to know is that daniel is one google search away from being a massive furry. if he had any idea how much anthro knotting porn is out there on the internet he would never leave his fucking room. he has it so bad dude

so like. this poor fucking guy wants to come in something so badly he cant see straight (who doesnt) and the only thing hes got is another dudes mouth on a blue moon. it would be a lot easier if he could just sniff out who wants to fuck on the air like a big stupid dog. a big mean doberman fursona with a spiky collar and a stupid hat. yknow. whatever

i think the idea of being a thrall to instinct and not having to navigate impenetrable social norms in order to have sex appeals to him. hes learned the hard way that he cant wrap his head around the intricate rituals. so its really great for his, uh. self-actualization. that he ends up with a buddy who likes to play along and makes it really, really obvious that he wants to use daniel like a dishrag

the ultimate torture, though: being a guy with a breeding kink dating a guy who gets off on edging you and stringing you out. imagine

daniel: i need to come in you so fucking bad. I need to knock you up jamie: Thats great buddy. If you come before i do im going to fucking kill you

tbh jamies standpoint on it is that he both never wants to have kids and is physically incapable of having them in the first place so daniels whole breeding kink is. like. a little oddity to him. something he feels a little conflicted about, given, you know, the gender . its a thinker

but really in the end its the ideal scenario b/c he gets to indulge daniel and play pretend with no consequences. its the same as if he was a cis dude indulging him. and tbh its worth it to see how fucking strung out it makes him. daniel sweating bullets at the idea of nutting in some big muscular hairy dude..........its neat. to him. and not to me. i dont care

its also neat to have jamie be a big ol bully about it too. all demanding and pushy. treating him like a bit of an animal about it...............whatever. insane animal style sexo while jamie doms the unholy hell out of him. sweet and sour both. Whatever

ultimately tho the goal is to nut in jamie and to do it over and over again and i think thats great for him. i think its even nicer if he accidentally comes too quick. all sweaty and desperate......poor guy.

(as an aside: jamie would never be for-real mean about his dick because - and not to be a huge fucking dyke here for a moment - your dick doesnt need to work like a pornstars b/c you dont even NEED one to have insane screaming bed-shaking sex. his fingers work just fine, right? get in there, buddy. finger your cum deeper into him. Jesus christ man)

alternatively. overstimulation. jamie using his iron thighs to keep daniel right where he is after he comes while jamie gets off. its like a punishment in its own right.....making daniel stay in place, all raw and sensitive and trembling......he would whimper. i think. cant do nothin but feel it. really really cute. stuff. i think

ok. sorry. this went a lot of places. goodbye forever

[velvetvexations]

Lol, people started to write their headcanons about me instead of, like, asking.

I didn't say that it's good to be literally paranoid around cis men and people you perceive as such. And most women, trans or cis, are not like this, except if they have severe trauma. But there is a difference between being paranoid in mundane interactions and being cautious in potentially dangerous situations.

Most women-only spaces that are talked about deal with situations where people are vulnerable. All people, I saw quite a bit of sexual harassment in male locker rooms or bathrooms, and female ones don't guarantee complete safety for women either, because shockingly some girls are bullies and abusers. But as long as patriarchy exists, denying danger of cis men is wishful thinking.

I didn't accuse you of anything bad, sorry if it sounded this way. I will read your fanfic to get your situation better.

As for hatred part - I didn't say that their hatred of transfems stems from them secretly seeing us as women because they don't. It stems from hatred of deviance, rationalised as our malicious intentions or perverted nature, all to feel righteous about hating people who already gave you the ick. All while dating absolutely typical cis men whom they rationalise to be actually not as bad. And this is if we are talking about TERFs, who are a minority among transphobes.

I didn't think you were accusing me of anything. It annoys me that your really absurd combination of positions is WHY I get accused of things, or at least a big part of it, because the people who get pissed at me for disagreeing about their raging bitterness towards other trans people lump me in with you when they see things like me identifying as a male girl or trying to be understanding with cis women not immediately understanding the totality of trans theory.

Your clarified stance isn't better because yes, obviously there's still a difference between how cis women view trans women and cis men, and there's a lot that goes into that difference, but the fact remains that with radfems it rests on a solid bed of "fuck men" that's so extreme many of them hate cis butch lesbians for bringing masculinity into their spaces.

I don't know why you sent this on anon since I didn't block you.

[bumblebeerror]

oh so your levels are actually the same as mine, oh wow. i'm around 400 too. same levels, yet we have such different bodily experiences. that's so interesting.

maybe you have an excess of free testosterone or increased conversion of t into dihydrotestosterone? have you gotten those blood tests done? if you haven't, maybe you should.

also your levels fluctuate a lot. to go from 400 to 600 within the same week is kinda drastic. i've read that only small fluctuations are normal. my levels fluctuate within a much smaller interval (430-450), and i think it's like that for the majority of cis guys.

the reason i know my t levels is because i've been struggling with things like fatigue, joint pain, stiffness, dry skin, cold skin, dry eyes, brittle hair, sleepiness & autoimmune symptoms for a while now so i thought it might be due to low testosterone and went to get tested. but my levels are on the lower end of the normal range... so apparently not.

that's an interesting fact about t injections. you learn something new every day! that's gotta hurt though.

now that you mention it, there was one boy in my class who had bad body odor. but just one. and we only really felt it during gym class. he was very short like a kid and kinda chubby, but boy did he sweat a lot. he was also pretty poor and from a remote village so maybe that had something to do with it. whenever we were changing in the boys locker room for gym, it would smell pretty bad. the gym teacher was very mad at him for that and all the other boys would give him shit for it. fun fact: teenage boys can be very cruel to each other in male-only spaces. i stayed quiet, of course, because i was going through my own problems that i would rather not get into now. and one time we had to learn a traditional dance in pairs (there were more boys than girls so some boys had to be paired with boys) and when i was paired with him and had to touch his hands they were so sweaty and i was kinda grossed out ngl. maybe i should've been nicer to him tbh.

wow, i got off track there. you unlocked a hidden memory.

anyways, maybe you're right. but there's a fine line between treating these teenage boys humanely and actively encouraging lack of hygiene & laziness. teenage boys can be very immature and undisciplined and quite frankly, they don't need any more coddling and babying than they already receive. teenage boys and young men nowadays have a big problem with immaturity and not wanting/knowing how to grow up (i know from experience). they should be encouraged to display maturity for their own good. and knowing how to take care of yourself and practice proper hygiene is a part of maturity.

The amount changes as it’s absorbed, and it’s absorbed over the week, so large fluctuations aren’t unexpected, since I’m not making the excess myself. It just depends, and that’s just the range of results my tests every three months or so have turned out. Like I said, this is unsolicited medical advice and I don’t need it.

The injections don’t hurt any more than any other shot, they’re just done into any large muscle group. For me that’s my thigh.

Anyways.

That’s the thing, though. Maybe you received coddling, idk your life - but for the most part if you stray from the perfect normal you are extremely fucking bullied. The only thing my friends did was be unfortunately extra sweaty.

Boys being immature isn’t my responsibility - what is my responsibility is not bullying them for it? Like the problem you’re describing is A) kid doesn’t know how to control BO bc he wasn’t taught, B) kid’s parents never enforced/assisted with hygiene practices, or C) kid’s family doesn’t have the money to buy hygiene products, which is extremely common and hygiene products aren’t covered by things like food stamps or other welfare programs. None of which are my business as an adult and are things I will gladly completely ignore because that’s a child who doesn’t have complete control of that.

I assume most of the teen boys in my class didn’t want to stink just by the sheer amount of axe body spray that filled my highschool.

I’ve never really met anyone who wanted to stink. Just people who can’t afford, never learned, or were never taught.

Not to mention that, in general, kids learn from parents about the kind of shit they relentlessly bully each other about.

You aren’t wrong, hygiene is important to someone’s health. But the thing there is that making someone feel bad about being smelly doesn’t make them cleaner. It doesn’t give disabled folks or folks with mental health issues the ability to have good and consistent hygiene habits. Like, as someone who’s disabled… yea part of that is sometimes you do not have the ability to be clean. Or you’re at the mercy of someone else to be clean. Or you struggle with the process. There’s a million reasons and none of them deserve to be hassled over it.

Like what I’m saying here is other people’s hygiene habits aren’t your personal business besides idk, reminding someone to wash their hands if they forgot, I guess.

This conversation just comes back to idk how to explain to you that you should be nice to people. Sometimes people stink. Use your manners anyways.

[pansyboybloom]

I remember when some ppl on here got so mad at an innocuous post (that i think didnt even had to do with this) that they started posting "masculine men positivity" of just... cis men with beards and all that, and a bunch of people started making think pieces that if you read them you would have thought that men get beat up on the streets for NOT wearing skirts or pink eyeshadow... I can't belive that there's QUEER people that think that for some reason masculinity, specially on men, is under attack when men being masculine is what society expects and NOT being masculine is what a lot of people not just men get punished for, like if you didn't know these people were queer you would look at the way they talk about how masculine men are being oppressed and immediately think "this was written by a right wing bigot", like guys on here writting about how masculine men are oppressed... what separates their argument from homophobes commenting "make men masculine again" on posts of a man wearing a skirt, I think it's specially obvious when they get super mad at joke posts that are like "all men need to wear skirts or they aren't worth it" and take it as a personal offense and a real instance of the world??? Do they think men are getting jumped outside because they don't have their nails painted? I think it's specially horrible when they bring up butches, and black men to defend their argument of masculinity being "oppressed"

like, i absolutely wont pretend to know what life is like for all masc queer men in all parts of the world, but as someone who has grown up in Ye Ol' South, even in a safer area than most, the expectation here is 100000% that a queer man who is hard masc is inherently more deserving of humanity than a fem queer one, including trans men. 'make men masculine again' is written on real life bumper stickers that you can see in high school parking lots. while mike the jock is obviously still in danger of being queerbashed, if he presents as hard masc and plays his cards right, he is less likely to be than the 'dirty sissy' fem man. and it's the same for trans men-- being extremely masc won't make your gender respected, but you are slightly less likely to be beaten up than a guy like me who wears a skirt.

heavy irl example of a queer-bashing hate crime description below heads up:

when i was in middle school, there was one very, very fem gay boy who had his head bashed into a mirror in the boys' locker room hard enough to break the mirror and send him to the hospital. would the boys in my school likely attack a masc gay classmate as well? yes. but everyone, cishet and queer, knew that that was less likely to happen because the masc queer men were the 'good ones' who 'didn't shove it down your throat' and 'kept it in the bedroom' unlike the 'sissy fags' (GROSS stuff to say about a fucking middle schooler but ya know, homophobia!)

like i said, can't speak for everyone and everywhere! but my life experience? a lot of guys forced themselves to be masc for safety. i know guys who faced so much horrible rhetoric that they would google speech therapy to 'talk more masc' or join in on the queerbashing and bullying, bc even if they couldn't be 100% masc, beating up the other, more fem guys would earn them some basis of safety.

are queer women threatened for being gnc? for being butch or masc? yes. absolutely. but at least in my neck of the woods, it ain't the same for queer men. but like i said. just my experiences

[maggotmouth]

          hillo sexthy legends !!   i’m nora and i’ll be writing margo colby n probs sm1 else bcos lets be real, i lack self-control. u can find her pinterest here n some info abt her sexy self below the cut. plot with me on discord ( hot girl midsommar#8664 ) or in my ims !!  x o x

     * CAMILA MORRONE, CIS WOMAN + SHE / HER  | you know MARGO COLBY, right? they’re TWENTY-THREE, and they’ve lived in irving for, like, ELEVEN YEARS? well, their spotify wrapped says they listened to SCRAWNY BY WALLOWS  like, a million times this year, which makes sense ‘cause they’ve got that whole BLEACH WHITE SNEAKERS POUNDING ON A GYMNASIUM FLOOR, USING THE SAME BLUNT SCISSORS TO HACK THE SLEEVES OFF AN EXES T-SHIRT THAT YOU USE TO CUT YOUR 3AM FRINGE, A WALNUT-SHAPED ACHE IN THE PIT OF YOUR STOMACH FOR THE PERSON YOU COULD HAVE BEEN thing going on. i just checked and their birthday is AUGUST 8TH, so they’re a LEO, which is unsurprising, all things considered. ( nora, 25, gmt, she/her )

CLICK ANYWHERE ON THIS SENTENCE FOR SEXII GOOGLE DOC!!

bullet point summary of margo.

—   born margaret but NOBODY calls her that. its colby, coach or margo, and go to the privileged few. margo grew up in the creek commune n then dropped out of school cos of a teenage pregnancy so she was a bit of a cautionary tale back in’t’day (said tht in my yorkshire accent). she now works for summer camps coaching pee wee soccer and pee wee cheer, as well as helping out her beekeeper dad on his honey farm, which is jst north of abernathy creek, and working at scuba on the off seasons.

—  its just her and her dad, and has been for as long as she can recall !! everything she knows about her mum could fit on the back of the weathered passport photo she keeps in her wallet of a stranger who shares her face - her name’s melody, or at least tht was name she used when working as a dancer, she’s from argentina and dropped mag’s dad as soon as someone w more money came along.

—  margo’s father is a beekeeper with his own organic honey company. margo and her dad moved to irving in the early 00s, the summer between grade school and middle school, because her dad had heard about the communal living in abernathy creek and wanted to lend his skills there and live off the fatta the land in a very lenny from of mice and men kinda way.

—  for a few years of middle school margo was bullied for living with the ‘freaks from the creek’, but when they realised how chill her dad was with underage drinking, margo ‘keg-bringer’ colby soon gained popularity among the more renegade students. every so often, the high school parties would happen at her end of town, occasionally with members of the commune even offering the high schoolers a spiritual experience they’d never forget (often in the form of mushrooms) which meant people tried to stay on her good side. to get an invite to a margo colby party handed you a free pass to make up the most ridiculous shit about the commune you liked and nobody else could say anything, because they’d never been to the creek.

—  at school, margo had a lot of ‘behvioural issues’ bcos of undiagnosed adhd, she found it difficult to sit still for hours n write down huge chunks of information n her restlessness was seen as laziness. she was encouraged to do sports, as were most of the kids who weren’t that academically inclined, but she turned out to be pretty hot shit at sprinting, because she grew up surrounded by bee houses and he who runs slowest gets stung, baybeyy!! so yea, in school sports became her LIFE. she was gonna get a sports scholarship to college but ended up dropping out of school in senior year n becoming one of those kids who could have had it all but lost it.

—  she had sex with sutter at a house party when she wasnt really ready because it felt like the right thing to do at the time and everybody else was doing it. she’d attended health class, she’d seen the corny videos. she knew about all the statistics, but she also knew that it had never happened to anyone she knew and the pull out method was basically safer than the morning after pill and way less expensive.

—  a teenage pregnancy knocked her out of the runnings for prom queen and meant she had to leave school early. she didn’t go to college when her friends did, instead she spent the time interviewing potential foster candidates and eating her weight in lindt chocolate while marathoning love island in her room.  

—  she had a son, who she passed off to someone else a couple of towns away.  it was a closed adoption which seemed like the best idea at the time, but she now wishes she had access to his life.

—  after peaking in high school and jumping between jobs for a few years, she got a more permanent role at scuba which she loves with all of her heart and soul, but unfortunately a bar job doesn’t pay the rent.  

—  she works at summer camps coaching  junior soccer and netball on the side. she’s extremely competitive and takes it very personally if her team lose. the kids all call her, coach colby n write her longwinded letters about how they’ll never forget this summer camp before they go back to their suburban picket fence houses n she keeps all the letters in a drawer n takes them out to read when she’s feelin depressed.

—  enjoys surfing and worked for a number of years on resorts like mila kunis’ job in forgetting sarah marshall. she went on to work 18-hour days as a stewardess on luxury yachts which is a part of her backstory i added after watching season one of below deck because i guess i really am that fucking impressionable. met most of her surf friends doing tht but said she’d never in her life do it again bcos it was mostly just picking up after rich white ppl for shit pay. she came back to irving n thats when she started doing the summer camp jobs so she could move out of the creek n get her own apartment. 

—  she never actually finished senior year so she’s currently going to night school at the community college to get through her exams and is trying to save to go to college or open university. she wants to major in criminology. she’s super ambitious but also super adhd so she fluctuates between thinking she can achieve anything to just feeling like a failure n thinkin whats the point

—  used to shoplift to feel joy and as an act of resistance to her hippy commune routes, but now sees herself as a reformed, bin-diving freegan (sims 4 eco living can i get a hell yaaaa). also she thinks it’s totally wrong to steal when you have enough money and clearly don’t need to steal to survive, ppl risk imprisonment for basic necessities, so for her to do it for a brief thrill and some new shades felt a bit derogatory

—  was raised jewish. became a vegetarian as a child because it seemed, at the time, easier than having to explain which foods she was and wasn’t allowed to eat together, so she just cut out meat entirely. still a vegetarian now and dabbles in veganism, although its become less about not eating certain meats in the milk of their mother and more about her global impact / carbon footprint

—  nurses little animals to health in her garden. has a hedgehog name OJ short for orange juice not the other one filthy pig. her and her dad have always been huge animal rights activists and existed on a vegetarian diet. the only one in their house who isn’t vegetarian is their cat, auggie. (short 4 augustus gloop)

—  has a lot of stupid ass stick and poke tattoos. there was a phase during her years as a barmaid where she wanted to train as a tattoo artist n would mostly practice on herself or any friends who would let her

—  she doesn’t form many long lasting friendships cos she tends to be super excited when she makes a new friend and just see them all the time but then it wears off and she can ghost a bit. she’ll always coming pinging back but she’s not the most predictable or loyal friend, sometimes she’ll sleep in your house every night for a week and then you won’t even get a text from her for a month. her best friends are elderly neighbours and houseless people she meets when volunteering at the foodbank. she thinks they’re more authentic than most of the ‘fake posers’ she meets down the vela pier

—  calls herself a butch lesbian but still has sex with men when she wants validation. sexually attracted to some men, especially effeminate men, but only romantically attracted to women. very possessive of the gals in her life.

—  stopped giving a shit about getting older or adhering to anyone elses bullshit standards, realised it was all fake p much as soon as she dropped out of school and one by one her friends just stopped texting her

—  lives in one of the lofts in port apartments. it’s open plan with rugs and lava lamps everywhere. she has a palette bed. its all very ‘sustainable chic’. like, oh wow, a pallet bed that im supposed to think you made from scratch but i KNOW you got it  off ebay because you thought it looked trendy

—  constantly says shes poor but still buys clothes from urban outfitters. sus.

—  frequently found at fannies flirting with the cute bisexual bartender with a choppy black bob.

general vibe / personality

vibrant, vulgar, self-absorbed, tenacious, veers bewteen apathetic and dogmatic, temperamental, flighty, unreliable, magnetic, charismatic, passive aggressive, likes to play devil’s advocate, takes the moral high ground. estp and a leo

likes: 70s music, john wayne movies, black mirror, philosophy, cowboy chic culture, dc comics, the smell of locker rooms,, deep red lipstick, lacrosse sticks, smoking weed from a bong, dogs, karaoke, pet rats, kate moss, late-night strolls, hawaaiian shirts worn open over a bralette, skinned knees, thai food, picking the apples at the very top of the trees, zip-lining, cigarettes, the idea of pegging but not the practical application of it, decorative lamps, LGBTQ+ pin badges, worn-out furniture, twangy electric guitars.

dislikes: girls who call other girls ‘pick me’ girls, woody allen movies, mental mathematics, wealthy children, quentin tarantino, ironing, institutionalised misogyny, the imaginary future, french literature, ‘dump him’ feminism, wes anderson films, spoken word poetry nights, college-educated bar staff who act like they’re better than you,  indie softbois, the general mentality of cheerleading squads.

aesthetics

orange peel, the smell of bleach, skeleton drawings in the margins of a journal, thumb holes poked through the cuffs of your sleeves, bleach white sneakers pounding on a gymnasium floor, setting dumpsters on fire for the hell of it. a hit flask of vodka decorated with hello kitty stickers, split knuckles, alien conspiracy theories and sci-fi paperbacks, doc martens with fraying laces, a child in an oversize bee keepers suit, scabbed knees, not eating your greens, smiling with a mouthful of blood, and piercing your own ears with a safety pin when your dad wouldn’t take you,  a tennis racket you punched through in a fit of temper, feet pounding the earth until your soles bleed crimson, sleeping in a cherry lip balm and scrunchies to keep the wild locks from your eyes.

hoo boy this is getting LONG AS FUCK but here are my wanted plots

wanted plots

ok margo’s been in irving since she was like 10. she’s quite a vivacious person?? she dresses completely instinctively without any sense of cohesion so she stands out. a guy once told her she was wearing the ugliest outfit he’d ever seen and he thought that was so cool and brave of her. but anyway where was i going.. she grew up in the abernathy creek so stuck out like a sore thumb,,,, maybe ppl who were super interested in the creek or maybe poked fun at her bcos of it idk.....

b4 she dropped out, margo used 2 b in with the cool kids at school bcos her dad would buy them booze and rarely ask for the money. maybe a fun plot cld b with some of the ‘it girls’ she used to hang around with b4 she got pregnant n dropped out and they all went off to college n stopped texting her.

frinds !! unlikely friends !! toxic friends !! some1 she feels like she knew before irving ???

since margo literally can’t differentiate between romantic and platonic love, she’s got off with so many of her mates, so i want awkward friendships where they nearly dated, or exes that have now just turned into weird friendships. fwbs. enemies with benefits. all the angst. all the slow burn mutual pining we hate each other narratives

locals who play sports. margo wld be all over community soccer n take it way too seriously. maybe ppl she plays hockey with. girls who she’s like, weirdly intimate with but its not a thing cos the other girls straight !!! what do u mean !! aha just fun !

she works part time at scuba. i want a mate that just goes and sits in there talking to her until her manager gets angry.

she's also a surf instructor and occasionally works as a lifeguard!! gal has like 7 jobs ik but regular swimmers hmu

ppl she coaches at the gym !! she wants to be a personal trainer

i reckon she might have recently started meditating to try and calm down her mind cos its always bustling with thoughts, n i think she’s p interested in buddhism so if anyone’s a buddhist hmu

someone she’s trying to make a zine with on female empowerment and women in film and art, etc. just a very feminist zine. 

TLDR:  angry sports gay, former high school track prodigy turned drop out, who likes feminist literature, wearing leather jackets over slip dresses, and smudged red lipstick.

this was so long !!! im sorry !! if you’ve read this far have a biscuit, love x

[asteroiideae]

okay, so I don’t make these kinds of posts often because tbh I’m a little lazy and very tired like 24/7 lmao but I’ve been seeing a lot of Pride reading lists hit my dash (and they’re excellent, and I save them all!) buuuut reading books is still a roadblock I’m struggling to mentally overcome -- and audiobooks are great, but they take 84 years (sometimes literally???) to get through. so! I thought I’d share a (very tiny) list of the queer manga I’ve read this year that you might enjoy for Pride, with some descriptions/trigger warnings/thoughts to go with them. so here we go in no particular order other than where they sit on my bookshelf:

What Did You Eat Yesterday? by Fumi Yoshinaga

okay so I know I go on about this manga at literally every presented opportunity, but I honestly just can’t help myself??? as a thirty-something queer adult, I really love the quiet maturity of this relationship between Shiro and Kenji; especially when it’s highlighted by references to shenanigans of their youth, and the ways in which they are still growing as both individuals and a couple. I’ve only read the first six volumes but I’m OBSESSED.

Status: Ongoing (17 volumes; 15 translated) Summary: Shiro and Kenji are an established adult couple with separate careers and interests, whose relationship is depicted over the meals cooked for them by Shiro. This doesn’t have an overarching plot, which might be off-putting for some readers; each chapter can be compared to a fanfic one-shot, usually containing it’s own tiny storyline or theme. It’s literally just domestic moments and meals shared between these men. Warnings: While I didn’t personally have a problem with this, younger readers might find some of the dated terms offensive. If you’ve spent any time with older queer folks (older as in 45-50+) this won’t be anything you aren’t used to, but if your experience of queer folx skews younger or online, you might get taken by surprise. There’s also some internalized homophobia; and by some I mean quite a bit. Shiro’s personal arc (at least in the first six volumes) heavily revolves around how much he closets himself and tries desperately to pass as “normal” in Japanese business culture.

Boys Run The Riot by Keito Gaku

holy shit holy shit holy SHIT. this story is so good??? so VERY good??? I was a little cautious, and a little bit uninterested in a story about teens (only because I’m in my thirties and crave more adult representation,) but I was VERY WRONG to be. Boys Run The Riot is beautifully drawn, beautifully written, and probably my favorite work on this list. the mangaka is also trans so the inherent understanding and nuance of our protagonist’s experience is really lovely. Also featuring a fantastic brotp between a trans boy and his new himbo bestie; no seriously if you want a story about a trans boy getting to have good broships with other boys his own age I CANNOT stress this enough. Volume two is releasing next month; I have it preordered. I’m laying on my floor wishing for time to hurry the fuck up. I need more of this smol angry trans boy and his big soft himbo bff. PLS. Status: Ongoing (4 volumes published; 2 translated) Summary: Ryo Watari is a second year high school student who is trans and struggling to feel comfortable with his very rigidly structured life at school, at home, and among his friends (to whom he is not out.) By chance he meets Jin Sato, a cis boy who also feels outcast (often judged for his appearance without any deeper thought.) When Ryo comes out to Jin in a state of frustration, Jin accepts who Ryo is and makes an offer -- why not start a fashion line that subverts all the expectations that have been put on them both; why not express themselves even when they’ve been told they shouldn’t. Warnings: Ryo is struggling with gender dysphoria, and it is written by someone who has probably experienced it, so it might be a little real for any trans folks who deal with that. Also, while neither the narrative nor Jin misgender Ryo (at least, not once he expresses to Jin that he is a man), Ryo is not out to anyone else and so he frequently is misgendered at school and we see how badly that impacts him and the way he views himself and processes his emotions. Ryo spends a lot of time being angry and trying to swallow it down, and that can be very raw to witness at times. There is also a depiction of unsafe binding (though the mangaka has an immediate note about binding safety, and goes further in-depth at the back of the manga.)

Our Dining Table by Mita Ori

okay, so I was a bit on the fence about whether or not I wanted to include this as a rec, but I decided that it might actually been what someone wants or needs, so here it is! while I really enjoyed this concept, and I’m always a sucker for found family stories (let me tell you I’m queer without telling you I’m queer, much?) it feels like this story is a bit rushed at times, and the romantic relationship between our protagonists is very blink and you’ll miss it. I don’t even want to call it subtle so much as it is just not remotely the focus of the story so it’s a little startling when it happens. but! if you’re looking for a story about adults processing grief and trauma together, and learning how to care for another person (and as a result, learning how to care for themselves,) this is a nice read that isn’t too heavy!  Status: Complete (one volume) Summary: Yutaka is a salaryman whose past experiences prevent him from reaching out to others, even through something so simple as sharing a meal. Despite this is REALLY loves to cook, and wishes he had a reason to do it more often. Then he meets Minoru, and his muuuuuch younger brother Tane (it’s like a 17 year age gap between the brothers?) and finds himself teaching them how to cook, and overcoming his fear of eating in front of others. Warnings: Good news, there’s no overt homophobia in this story! Bad news, the other trauma makes up for it! We have a lot of trauma surrounding parental death, childhood bullying, and adoption; in addition to an actual fear of eating in front of others.

Our Dreams at Dusk / Shimanami Tasogare by Yuhki Kamatani

this is the first manga series I collected, and I’m still very pleased about that. the art is ABSOLUTELY stunning? the use of visual imagery and surreal analogies to explain queerness is fucking on POINT. I cried so hard during a couple of these volumes I developed a migraine. I only have one piece of critique on the whole thing (addressed in the warnings,) and I intend to do another re-read when I’m ready for the catharsis of sobbing into my pillow again. Like Boys Run The Riot, Our Dreams at Dusk is drawn and written by a member of the queer community (a non-binary mangaka, this time,) and as a result it hits pretty fucking close to home in a lot of ways. while I really love this series it’s super not for the faint of heart, you WILL come out of this reading experience with some things to unpack. Status: Completed (4 volumes; 4 translated) Summary: We mostly follow Tasuku Kaname, as he is outted at school by a classmate as being homosexual, and his initial despair and subsequent journey of acceptance. In this process, Tasuku finds himself at a drop-in center, which seems to primarily function as a safe space for queer people; we meet several lesbians, an elderly gay man, a trans character, and a young character who isn’t ready for any kind of label because they are still ??? about themselves and their identity. Each of these “secondary” characters is given room to breathe and to work through difficulties of their own while Tasuku watches and learns that even though life is hard sometimes, there’s beauty to be found in one’s own strength. Warnings: hoooo boy; well there’s all kinds of homophobia and transphobia; a character is outted against their will (multiple times), there’s some really insidious transphobia covered by “concern”, there’s internalized homophobia everywhere, and a very complicated asexual character whose presentation left me (as an ace) with super mixed feelings and a lot of frustration (though I wouldn’t call it bad necessarily; just wanted to put that out there for my fellow asexual folks.) If you have read (or go on to read!) any of these, please let me know! I’d love to chat about the stories, and hear your thoughts on them -- because we’re a broad/diverse community and our own experiences shape us differently and give us different insights. <3 ANYWAY, for those of you who read this monstrous self-indulgent post, thank you! Feel free to add any queer manga you’ve been reading below - I’m always on the hunt for more recs!

[bi-dazai]

honestly i think i have a weird anger or cultural confusion where other gay and trans ppl are like much happier and comfortable to come out and shit and be open, but I've always had an extremely complicated relationship with it because it's always made me feel so isolated and lonely, even with other gay ppl around. and younger ppl especially will like go around coming out so frequently and meanwhile if I'm going to even tell you that I'm attracted to women I have to trust you 110% and that isn't something that comes easy.

I'm terrified of like. Wearing even rainbow goddamn socks because I'm scared shitless of getting bullied, or harassed, or even assaulted. Which is ironic considering I try to be quite fashionable in public but with being openly bi (let alone being openly TRANS) it's a complete no-no.

Like I think as much as I love being bi and nb at the same time I still despise it, I still think it's ruined my life. I have gender dysphoria about my chest whereas if I was cis I would be so happy with how feminine my body is. My first ever relationship with another girl at the moment being cut short by abusive homophobia fucked me up in innumerous ways, leading me to like...severe issues with the way i feel about sex and emotional attachment and touch.

And ofc there's the homophobia, like at this moment I'm probably leaning towards getting a fuckbuddy or smth over tinder but like a romantic relationship with another person is terrifying, like I'm insanely private w relationships even w men, I won't let us hold hands if I think too many people might see bc i have this stupid complex

There's more and more but my relationship with being Out is one where it's something that I simultaneously desire and despise, being Out is one of the most terrifying concepts I can think of and to me having someone refer to me as "they" and not as a woman is simply not as important as being safe, as not living in even more fear of assault.

And then all around me ppl my age (although usually younger) are all coming out to anyone and everyone like it's just casual, saying their pronouns like it's nothing. And first it's disbelief and shock because holy fuck, has everyone gone fucking mad?? Are we all so fucking stupid that we just forget the everloving fear homophobia strikes into you?? And then it's the jealousy, that these people have this comfortable relationship with their own gay/transness and enough trust to actually open up and tell a room full of strangers "please call me they not she". It's disappointment and anger in myself that almost 7 years after forcing myself to whisper "I'm bisexual" to the bathroom mirror in the middle of the night and then cry my eyes out because it felt like I'd been cursed, and probably over a decade since I'd started having sexual feelings about all genders, and an entire lifetime of having feelings for men women and others, after so long I'm still just a coward who sits and hates it all, who fears it all.

But then recently I've come to the realisation that the way I realised I was gay was a way that's kind of...dying out. That being the mostly offline way.

Don't take this the wrong way but I've found a lot of people go online and find this overwhelming amount of support and representation for gay and trans identity. You can argue validly this statement, but the context I use this in is comparing it to like. 2013. People were way less online. Being an online celebrity was a novelty.

At school there were dyke, faggot, tranny, etc, thrown around as if they were confetti. Jokes about "lesbos" and "lesbihonest" humiliated any girl who was too close to another girl. I grew up not just in Brisbane Queensland but in a town that was connected to the mainland only by two bridges - a landbridge and a humanmade bridge. The school was overwhelmingly anglo. Overwhelmingly right wing.

I realised I was bi with minimal help from Tumblr. I realised I was bi because I fell, hard, for my best friend. And then she liked me back, and our relationship was amazing. But the school found out. We held hands under the table, we found a quiet moment to kiss and everyone pointed and stared. We made out in the shadow of a building and turned to find twenty people watching gawkeyed, pointing, fascinated.

The entire time her mum was abusive, and massively homophobic. She blamed me for turning her daughter gay. She forced us multiple times to break up at the threat of violence. Eventually we did. We never talked about it. Our friendship never returned like it used to. It was awkward, tinged with sadness, regret, yearning and young love cut short.

It was traumatic, to say the least.

Tumblr in 2014, despite the cringe screenshots, wasn't actually mostly about LGBT positivity or whatever. I first saw the term bisexual on, if you can believe me, a quotev story in 2011 about a cheerleader and an emo girl who get together in a secret relationship. You were either gay or straight, or you had an exception. Bisexual felt right, though, for me, felt accurate, was accurate.

It was years of confusion and secrecy and guilt, peeks at other girls in the changing room that I couldn't help and I didn't understand why. Then it was months and months of anger and frustration at myself that I was feeling this way and confused about myself, and then when I said those words it felt like I was being torn apart. It felt like my life had fallen apart. I cried every goddamn night, I felt awful all the time.

At school the kids noticed. They noticed before I started dating my friend, they noticed the way I looked at her and they interrogated me about it. I'd claim up and down I had a crush on another boy - true perhaps, but it was a passing interest - and then they said they told him and analysed how I reacted. And then the interrogations continued for months because the gay girl was entertainment for them. Around me, as I walked between classes, had lunch, walked home, dyke dyke dyke faggot hahaha.

And then the relationship happened and then leelah alcorn happened and I learned what a trans person is. And sometime when I was fifteen I saw nonbinary begin to pop up, terms like genderfluid and nonbinary and they rang true like bisexual did, but the last time I went down a rabbit hole like that it ended in trauma, and another person got hurt. I didn't throw homophobia at her, but I felt and still feel responsible for it. I didn't turn her gay, but I made it obvious. I don't quite know how to say it.

I knew I was nonbinary, deep down. One day I decided to add that to my tumblr bio. Nobody gave a shit, just like nobody gave a shit when I said I was bi. But that was because I wasn't open about it even online. I couldn't talk about that stuff or I'd curse myself.

Time went on, I got more comfortable, collected fresh new traumas. My brother came out as trans. Around me, friends came out as gay and trans. But they kept coming out. They didn't stop at close friends and trusted family, they told teachers, their entire class. I didn't understand. Why the fuck would you put yourself at risk like that?? And I still don't. I said it was jealousy and anger at myself before, and maybe it is still a little bit, but now, it's just concern.

As I said, the way I realised I was gay is the rather old fashioned way - offline, through trauma, and almost entirely unenjoyable and traumatic. A lot of kids still go through that for sure. But the ones I see telling everyone over that they're gay or trans are, in my experience, not those ones. As the internet began to become more of a general use thing and less of a "only recluse weirdos" space, the online LGBT safe space began to expand into an audience bigger than before. Online, you were safe. Nobody knew your name, you were behind a screen. Homophobia was veiled, you could just delete a hateful anon, could just log off. You could put up your pronouns and people would use them because, well, ppl didn't really have any other identifier someone might use for your gender. So this positive uplifting atmosphere spawned for the most part. And instead of learning through confusion and rare chance encounters with random words and crying into the sink every night that you're gay, you much easier come across this content that tells you indepth what this is and that it's okay. And you think, well wow, that's me, and then...you know, I guess. Not denying there's some of the classic self hatred etc but...you have this safe space online to fall back on, and I cannot emphasise how much that has pushed the acceptance and widespread knowledge of lgbt people in the past 5 years. I didn't exactly have that space, and my realisation was through mostly real life channels, which were swamped at all sides by homophobia, at worst, abusive, at kindest, it would treat you like a sideshow attraction.

Being someone who arguably isn't old enough to brush this difference away with being an "older gay" but still having had a gay experience quite different to the majority in my generation (applying this to area as well) I have to say I'm confronted with this comfortableness other days have a lot and it's always jarring. I think also that while it's important and I'm happy that "younger" gays and transes have at least one good support network/space to fall back onto online, I do think it creates this kind of...dangerous other side, especially for those who go to schools that are LGBT positive and have families who are also friendly to that sort of stuff. I find that young gay teens are totally unprepared and unhardened for the fact that most people you run into in real life despise your guts for existing as who you are. And while we can make as many soppy gay narratives as possible about being honest about who you are and losing shame, we need to face the fact and teach young lgbt kids that being Out isn't just something you do as a ritual in being gay or trans, it's a brave thing and it's completely optional. And furthermore, most importantly, it's insanely dangerous.

I don't think that teenage, raw fear of the consequences of even the very concept of being Out has ever left me. Perhaps I have to thank the homophobic 14 yr olds who swamped me in slurs and trauma, because it's given me a survival sense that's kept me closeted so far you'd never get in.

But occasionally I'm tempted, particularly with my transness which I am only out to perhaps 3 people about, to venture into the world of telling people about yourself. I started a new uni semester and in a tutorial, the teacher handed out cards. We were to use it as a placard to write our names on it so the teacher would learn our names over the next few classes. And, if we chose...our pronouns.

I stared at that card for what felt like a million years. This has always been an ordeal. People don't know how to pronounce my name, even though it's a rather simple one. But pronouns? I'd never really told anyone those. Online, yes, and once when I was asked by a friend i was brave enough to say "any will do" but this - this wasn't the curated safe online space, this wasn't a one-time phrase to a friend. This was an open, permanent thing that would sit below me every class, declaring me to 18 other people. I wrote down "NATALYA", then beneath "she/". And then I stared some more. I felt like I was going to die. I felt like I was the biggest fool, because before I could stop myself I wrote "she/they". No "he", not yet. But...it was there.

At the end of the class the teacher collected the placards. I wanted to run back screaming, wanted to ask her for a new card so I could be safe again. But I didn't because I would look like a freak and a coward.

I still think it's stupid. I still think I've put some petty gesture that no one will ever respect (if they can call you she they won't ever call you they) above my own safety. The thing that really struck me was that it didn't feel good. The reason I wrote it like that, I believe in hindsight, is that I was curious what those other kids feel like, because it must feel good to declare that you're a tr*nny d*ke in front of the entire class, good enough to beat the stomach-lurching dread that precedes such an action. But it didn't. It just felt like an unnecessary risk. And it made me feel worse, like there was a target on the back of my head.

I think I could talk about this forever, about how so many kids believe coming out is this thing you're required to do to be a good gay, but it's not. It's stupid stupid reckless, and in my case it ends with you getting fucked over.

But Ive written for ages and gotten prosaic halfway through so I'm gonna shut up. Basically why the fuck do you guys come out to everyone like please stay safe instead of this it isn't worth it.

[lucienne-thee-librarian]

#the fact that he essentially called us privileged as if corrective rape isn’t one of the biggest issues we face

NO BUT REALLY. Also you made it plenty clear op I think, the sad thing is it only needs clarification to well. Anyone who isn't us and isn't used to seeing this nonsense happen (or perpetuates it themselves). We've almost all seen this before. What James Somerton said and did was egregious but it's nothing new. Him acting like cishet men are and were always so uncomfortable with our sexualities that as a result they...leave us alone and uh. Lol. LMAO even. If only.

And I know it's bad praxis or whatever supposedly, to blame people who were conned, but...idk. I'm not saying you need to go into the town square and self-flagellate while loudly proclaiming your wretchedness or the internet equivalent, but. Part of me feels like people who saw this and the worst of his misinformation (like the Pink Swastika conspiracy theory iykyk and I'm so sorry) and STILL took him seriously and sent him money should maybe feel a LITTLE bad?? (And then critically try to do better cause guilt by itself is just useless wallowing.) Like, if you really heard him say all this misogynistic lesbophobic and biphobic shit and still uncritically stanned him and sent him money, maybe a *tiny* bit of responsibility taking is in order? Even just moment, thinking to yourself like "ouch. Fuck, I shouldn't have listened to him without doing some fact checking? Maybe I shouldn't have let those things slide when he said it"?? Would that really be too much to ask?

Everyone hyperfocuses on this one dude and on the way he did his best to bury the evidence because it's more comfortable to ignore the looming elephant in the room...that he didn't happen in a vacuum. We can go on about how he bullied and lied about his few critics to silence them. And that's true, he did. But also...cmon, let's be serious.

The lesbophobia, biphobia, misogyny ntm transphobia and racism being basically okay as long as you use enough buzzwords...or just happen to seem Educated and Serious (being white ntm a man, a cis man, is not a requirement 100% of the time but it sure does help, and often seems to be the unspoken code for what that means to people) needs to stop. And so does the way people just never fact check things, ever, if someone says something they want to believe. (And I'm not saying I'm immune to that last particular issue, I'm not. I've been trying my best to be religious about it but I wasn't always.) If all that results from this whole Expose is...a bunch of ppl dunk on the visible, easy target then nothing is ever gonna change. There's gonna be more small-scale James Somertons if there aren't already (there are. I just know there already are).

I love all the dunking on James Somerton but I don’t think we’ve focused enough on all his lesbophobic rhetoric because the things he says are genuinely so astoundingly ahistorical and insensitive and it infuriates me that he was allowed to get away with it so long.

He literally said lesbians didn’t face police violence on the same scale as gay men when that’s just demonstrably untrue. Lesbians, ESPECIALLY butch, GNC, and trans lesbians, faced MASSIVE amounts of police violence AND STILL DO and if he gave a single shit about like. Women as people. Or even just LGBT history in general as he so proclaims to care about, he would know that. I’m going to start beating people to death with copies of Stone Butch Blues until they fucking listen

And I’d really love to know which fucking planet he lives on where lesbians apparently have all this great representation, and where we as lesbians are allowed to write our own stories, because I’m really not seeing that pretty much anywhere in mainstream media. I’m still seeing lesbians portrayed in stereotypical or fetishistic ways, and that’s when I see us portrayed at all. And yes cartoons are great and fine but there is so painfully little lesbian representation written by lesbians geared primarily towards adults.

But at this point, the wider community’s general lack of a reaction to lesbophobia in their ranks disappoints but doesn’t surprise me. It’s sad and somewhat astonishing that he’s escaped accountability for his lesbophobic comments up to this point, but again, not surprising. We need to stop letting our community, especially people like James Somerton who get held up as voices for the community, get away with lesbophobia.

[ftgage]

*stumbles into the room w shades on & a margarita in one hand* beezus again...fair warning i just got back from chili’s & i’m tipsy cause my roommate spent like $100 on alcohol for me...a fcking king ! 

「 herman tommerass. cis male. 」have you seen gage rowland around yet? i hear he decided to be in AUDAX for their SOPHOMORE year as a CRIMINAL JUSTICE major. the 21 year old SHEEP is known to be kindhearted, resourceful, dull witted and irresponsible. ➨ the muse is written by beezus. she is 21+, in est.

(this intro might be a mess but gage is an old muse of mine so i know him like the back of my hand i swear....& i haven’t fixed my theme yet so forgive me eep i’ll do that when i’m sober later)

trigger warning mentions of neglect, alcoholism, drugs, violence, homophobia 

stats: 

full name: gage michael rowland 

nicknames: none (someone give him one)

date of birth: march 16th, 1999 

age: 21 

sexuality: homosexual 

religion: agnostic 

occupation: student/escort 

likes: black eyeliner, socks w slides 

dislikes: watching movies 

tattoos: none 

piercings: ears, nose, cartilage

backstory: 

gage was born & raised in new york by a single mother. they didn’t really stay in one place they kinda lived everywhere in the area. hopping from home to home for a majority of his life. his mother has never had a stable career. she can go from being a waitress to a babysitter in like three days because she’s so quick to give up. she’s an irresponsible, lazy, struggling alcoholic and that’s all gage has ever known her as. he never met his dad but the man wasn’t any better. the two of them just weren’t fit to be parent’s and his mom unfortunately never stepped up after his dad walked out

before going to college he never had his own bedroom. they could only ever afford shitty, run down, one bedroom apartments and his mom would shove him onto the couch so she could have men over whenever she wanted. he didn’t mind much because he had a really old xbox that he’d play until he was so exhausted he just passed out. that was his nightly routine throughout middle & high school  

his mom wasn’t abusive...she’s a very loving women & cares about gage when she really needs to but for the most part he was on his own growing up. sometimes when they were in between homes he’d have to hunt down friends & sleep on their couches. he was only nine the first time they were homeless. she hardly spent money on him so he had the same wardrobe all through out elementary school despite growing out of it. they also never had food in the house so he’d work for free at local deli’s...like sweeping their floors & stuff & they would throw him some food ! if it weren’t for kind neighbors he wouldn’t have eaten 

when he was a kid he got bullied pretty harshly for being poor. like...these kids would steal the shirt off his back & laugh because they knew he didn’t have another one. he grew up in a pretty bad neighborhood :/ when he got a little older...probably around thirteen he started to come to terms with his sexuality & he didn’t feel the need to hide it at all ? he was a happy, bubbly kid that was comfortable in his skin. but there was a lot of homophobia in his neighborhood & they didn’t take too kindly to him. he got beat up pretty severely & it happened often. partly because he had a big mouth but mostly because they didn’t like how flamboyant he was. 

flash forward to when he was fifteen & he started experimenting with sex. he met this older guy in his neighborhood that took a liking to him (this guy was like forty-five ew) & they started hanging out a lot. after knowing each other for a few months the guy asked gage if he would meet up with one of his friends & gage being the innocent babe he was just said ok ! so he meets up w this guy & long story short this guy got him into being an escort...at only fifteen :/ 

he’s been working as an escort ever since & it’s done a lot of good for him ! he was v v popular & was getting paid like 10k for dates back in new york. he saved up money for a few years while he was in high school & eventually made enough to buy his mom a house (not that she deserved it). even though his childhood was shitty he’ll always love her...he’s away at school now but still sends her as much money as he can so that she doesn’t have to work. he’s such a giver & takes care of the people he loves...even when they don’t take care of him *cries*. business is slower while he’s at school but he still makes enough money to pay his tuition & support his mom. he doesn’t spend much money on himself because he already feels like he’s kinda selfish just for going to school

he’s a criminal justice major because he wants to be a probation officer one day ! he wants to be the nicest most lenient probation officer he can be...& he wants to be able to get his homies off the hook that’s his mentality w it. he’s a sheep as well because....he’s not smart enough for that app 

personality:

such a sweet fucking boy i swear. not only does he take care of his not so great mother but he’s also big on taking care of his friends. the type of guy to give a drunk girl his shoes, pay for everyone’s hangover meals, pay for all the ubers....he really milks himself dry for other people honestly 

he’s really gullible & kinda dumb. will say yes to just about anything, doesn’t know how to use a microwave without burning something, can’t follow instructions for shit either 

i’m sure he has to go through A LOT of tutoring to keep his grades up to par but he really does try his best *gives him a gold star* 

he has a really bad habit of letting people use & abuse him. like there’s been plenty of times where he’s gone to meetup with someone that was suppose to pay him but instead they just...had their way with him & hauled ass & yea it makes him feel like shit but he tries not to let it get to him :/

when he was six yrs old he told his mom that one day he would own all the legos in the world & she called it stupid so now he has a collection of legos ! i’m proud of him :) he has a lego house that he built when he was twelve & he keeps a couple grand stashed in it for a rainy day...& if someone were to steal it he wouldn’t care about the money he’d just be sad that they broke his lego house :( 

appearance wise he always looks pretty disheveled, might smell a little bad because he’ll buy a shirt from the thrift store & not wash it, he never spends a lot of money on stuff for himself. the nicest clothing items he owns are things that sugar daddies have bought him & he only wears them on dates 

he does a lot of expensive drugs & drinks a lot of expensive alcohol because it’s given to him & he doesn’t know how to say no 

he looks tired & worn out all the time because he 100% is but tries to keep a smile on his face anyway...if you ask him how he’s doing he’ll always say he’s doing well because tbh compared to how his life was as a child he kinda is ? he’s not hungry anymore, not struggling financially, putting himself through school...i love him 

he’s gay but doesn’t exclusively sleep w men. he has just as many sugar mamas as he does daddies. older women really love him ! he’s young, pretty & dumb...again he’s a giver so he’ll give head to just about anyone  

he does an unhealthy amount of cocaine which explains why he’s so awake & talkative all the time. it’s offered to him so he takes it ? someone stop him. he see’s a lot of men that will pump him w drugs just to take advantage of him & he knows it the back of his mind that it’s happening but the money & the buzz is too good 

ending this like an essay because i’m drunk at this point omfg so in conclusion gage is a sweet boy w a big heart that get’s kicked around for no good reason love him  

[roidespd-blog]

Chapter Three : THE DESOLATION OF THE GRINDR USER

« Grindr is a sociopath nest », Anonymous 

Grindr was launched on March 25, 2009. About a month or so earlier, I lost my virginity to the sweetest guy you could imagine. I met him on what we could consider one of Grindr’s ancestors, Gaypax— I still have that account, out of nostalgia. The design is so ugly I wonder now how I did spend so much time on it (we weren’t picky back then…) So Grindr was born at the exact time my sexual and romantic life was unfolding. It means that, except for the few years I’ve spent frenetically masturbating to La Redoute’s underwear catalogues and downloading dirty pictures of Brad Pitt naked with a very slow wifi, I’ve always been accustomed to gay apps.

Recently, the new and improved french magazine Tétu published an article called « Faut-il brûler Grindr?». Though not as detailed as I was hoping it would be, it did not changed my general opinion about the dating app paradigm. 

FLASHBACK France, 1971. A young gay man living in a beautiful city called Paris. Mike Brant just released his first major hit, Rock’N’Roll is slowly dying and Les Bidasses en Folie is this year’s biggest success at the box office. Unfortunately for him, the Gay Rights Movement is just at its infancy, homosexuality is still considered a mental illness and sodomy is punishable by law. So he shut his mouth and do his dirty business privately. he spends time around Place de Clichy and finds very discreet bars that can welcome him without too much judgement. He takes long walks toward the Tuileries bushes and sucks a stranger’s dong without any verbal exchange. He ends up marrying that fine young Marie, daughter of a friend of his dad, makes a couple of kids and from time to time, goes back to those places, shameful of himself.

That was the life of a gay man in France. If he didn’t get killed along the way. CUT TO 2009. Grindr is the first official gay dating app launched around the world. In France, the ban on sodomy disappeared in 1981 and since 1992, you are no longer considered a crazy person for being attracted to a person of the same sex (well, not from an official medical point, anyway). The app came to fruition through a simple question asked by its creator, Joel Simkhai : « WHO ELSE IS GAY AROUND HERE? ».

By 2012, 4 million people were using the App. 27 million as of 2017. Tinder followed in 2012 — you are welcome, straight people. Then SCRUFF, GAYROMEO, HORNET, BLUED, … What is wrong, then ? You damn well know something is wrong.

SMARTPHONE, 21st CENTURY’S NEW BACKROOM

If you go to a bar, you have to talk to the bartender, exchange a least a fews words with strangers, even dance as your look around and are being seen by others in the flesh. If you go to a gaybar, the same thing happens. If you go to a gaybar then the gaybar’s backroomn, rules change.

As the dating apps was closing in on worldwide domination, it became clear that the natural human kindness and respect would ultimately have no effect on the way people would communicate with one another on Grindr. I’ve been working in a bookstore for the past four years, you see. I expect a “hello”, “goodbye” and a smile during any interactions with clients — from them and myself. So there’s nothing more annoying that someone coming up to you, barking what they want to and leaving without any civility whatsoever. The Grindr equivalent would be Step 1 : A DICK PICK (or ass pick. I once had a fisting commemorative photo sent to me) straight up. Step 2 : A terribly convenient “cc sava tu ch?” or a “cho?” Step 3A : If you are polite enough to answer something, a conclusive “tu reçoi” or “tu bouge” Step 3B : you did not answer a singe word and the guy either sends you a “????” or insults the shit out of you. I sometimes do not answer impolite clients at work. Guess what ? Bitches say hello if you stare down at them long enough. On the internet, never gonna happen.

I remember the first couple of times I went on Grindr. I tried to answer everyone, even a “no, thank you”. There was always some “Hello”s, “How are you?”s, a few “My name is”s. But as the years went by, gay men (as I mostly talk to gay or bisexual cis men on these apps, I can only give my opinion on that category of people) adopted a series of unofficial rules to talk to each other.

1. If we are on this app, we are ready to fuck. 2. We do not have time for small talk. 3. We do not need your name, but dick size and multiple nudes are welcome. A picture is worth a thousand blablablahs. 4. We need to be very precise about what we want, so as not to waste our precious time. 5. Seriously, give us a full diagnosis of your body shape through pics, boy. 6. Chems ? 9. There are no rule 7 & 8, because 6 & 9. Now, turn around.

There are also lots of personal rules users seem keen on sharing them publicly as to implement unofficial rule number 4.

NO FEMS, NO BLACKS, NO ASIANS

“Pretty chill guy here. Very open minded and friendly. I love men from different cultures. Just no Asians. Asians leave me alone. I’m not racist” “Don’t message me. I’ll message you :). No Blacks Asians or fems. Love it when fats call themselves masc. hahahaha.” “Tell me if top/btm. Don’t really believe in “vers”. […] Attracted to Latin & White (trying to sound PC)” “Chill masc sane… just described nobody on here… Over 35, Asian or fem = block.. haha” “99% of you are losers. I’m the top 1%. So prove yourself first” The last one was written by a white male, by the way. They all were.

In our modern society, we’re not fools enough to believe that racism disappeared and everyone is accepting of others. Just look at the whole series of events called “while Black” where white people called cops on black folks for getting out of their airbnbs, talking in a Starbucks without ordering or falling asleep in a communal room at college. Nevertheless, you don’t see parades of racists proudly marching with “NO BLACKS” signs on the streets — you see another type of marches, yes. Free speech and stuff, sure. So why has it become acceptable in people’s minds to shade light on their racism in their profiles, barely hiding behind the “sexual preference” bullshit excuse ?

In an article dated September 2018 called “Why is it OK for online dates to block whole ethnic groups?” (2), the Observer related the appalling anecdote of an elderly white man who responded to a Grindr user of asian descent : “Asian, ew gross”.

I myself was told that I was too fat, too small, too twinkish, then not enough of those, or too white (but so we’re clear : RESERVE RACISM IS NOT A THING. STOP TRYING TO MAKE IT A THING!).

Racism also works with the beliefs that if you look or act a certain way, you obviously are what someone’s fantasy is. You are a black man so I assume that my hole will expand by ten once you’re inside me. You a blond light weight with feminine traits. You’re a submissive bottom and a real whore.

The world works on assumptions (ex : the myth of the BIG BLACK DICK or the for-sure global instinct that Tom Hanks would never have to face any #MeToo accusations) and apps follow that same path but without any policing. The absence of ramifications from someone’s actions further implement a feeling of unapologetic mindfulness — the same way being in a dark backroom with strangers you can’t see does not seem to add any consequences to what you’ll do next.

Recently, Grindr tried to course correct its past errors by creating “Kindr” (3). Was it a new app that would prevent people from actively using hate speech ? WELL WHY DON’T YOU PREVENT IT ON GRINDR THEN ? Was it a new platform to exchange ideas and experiences so that we can find another way to communicate together ?

Here’s how they introduce Kindr on their official site : At Grindr, we’re into diversity (MONEY), inclusion, and users who treat each other with respect. We’re not into racism, bullying, or other forms of toxic behavior (YOU ARE THE TOXIC BEHAVIOR). These are our preferences, and we’ve updated our Community Guidelines to better reflect them. Same app. New rules (DID YOU THOUGH?) Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Their type. Their tastes. But nobody is entitled to tear someone else down because of their race, size, gender, HIV status, age, or — quite simply — being who they are. (AS LONG AS IT DOES NOT PUT YOUR BUSINESS IN A RISKY POSITION) Join us in building a kinder Grindr. (DO YOUR OWN DAMN WORK). Express yourself, but not at the expense of someone else (OR US). Report discrimination when you see it (LIKE WITH THE JEWS BACK THEN. ALSO, WE THE USERS, ALREADY DID THAT). Use your voice and share your story to call out prejudice and spark change. Together, we can amplify the conversation and take steps towards a kinder, more respectful community (SEE, WE AT GRINDR ARE WOKE).

There you have it. A marketing scam to ease the pain of millions of users whose relationships and self esteem were affected by Grindr’s lack of interest in their consumers. How many years did it take for a simple statement from the CEO ? What’s actually concrete about these actions ?

in the community guide lines, it is stated that they “will remove any discriminatory statements displayed on profiles. […] Profile language that is used to openly discriminate against other users’ traits and characteristics will not be tolerated and will be subject to review by our moderation team”. FINE. So, if someone says “no short fat asians”, theoretically it would be removed from the profile. But if it says “more into vanilla and spice than chocolate and rice. So hit me up if this is you” (an actual Grindr profile, by the way), what can a Grindr moderator do about it ? The racism is still there. Are we to believe that EVERY single profile is being reviewed in detail ?

#deletegrindr was a popular hashtag over a year ago. I’m not on twitter and I still heard about it. Was it a cultural shift in the way gay people wanted to treat other gay people ? Were we on the verge of a revolution ? Nop. Grindr released data informations of thousands and thousands of profiles about HIV status (something that you can put on your Grindr profile) to third party companies. Since then, Grindr released the Kindr initiative and rewrote its policies.

I’m not against dating apps. I think it was a wonderful tool back in the day to extend one’s horizon, explore and experiment with love, sex and adventures. It no longer works that way. I didn’t even talk about the spreading of drug using through profile description and the real danger of stimulants in someone’s sex life.

#deletegrindr should come back and this time, it has to work. Silicon Valley, go make an app from scratch. One that would implement actual kindness to the machine, not based on popularity. Think of what people need, not what they want. People are shitheads. I’m a shithead. What I want is never good for me.

And YOU. You, little queer boy reading this. Don’t go on Grindr before going to bed to check the hotties in your area. Forget about that 6'2 monster cock Swedish god that lives nearby and offered you a quick hump for the ride. Ask him for a drink, put down your phone, get to know him a little and then fuck his brains out. You’re still gonna fuck but you’ll find humanity where there was once none.

That’s my preaching for the night. I gave up long ago on apps. I delete them all and stay away for months. Then, I feel lonely and get back to one or two. I met this new guy that way (4).The nice thing about it was that we did not talk dick sizes, favorite positions or any sexual desires until way after we actually met (and we’re talking two full weeks of messages). I’m not on any dating apps now.

(1) https://tetu.com (2) https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2018/sep/29/wltm-colour-blind-dating-app-racial-discrimination-grindr-tinder-algorithm-racism (3) https://www.kindr.grindr.com (4) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ezra_Miller

[thecinephale]

Magic Mike XXL: Masculinity Worth Appreciating

I saw the first Magic Mike with my sister the summer before I left for college. I remember this day the way I remember just about everyday I’ve spent alone with my sister. I remember the day we spent visiting her favorite “spots” right before I started high school. I remember when we got into a hip NYC club because she looked like her even though I looked like me. I remember the difficult lunch we had my first visit back after coming out as trans. I spent most of my life with my sister, usually our parents were there or nearby. But once she learned to drive, the days alone, I remember all of those. This day, in June, in 2012, we were seeing Magic Mike.

There were two men in the theatre, sheepish looking boyfriends whose body language and facial expressions tried to make clear that they were just being good sports. Otherwise it was all women, ages ranging, ready to express their sexuality in public, an experience rarely allowed. My sister commented several times how weird it was to be seeing this with her little brother. I deflected with discussion about Steven Soderbergh and his varied filmography, abuzz with the comfort and confusion I’d always feel when in majority-women spaces.

The movie was fine. Soderbergh knows how to shoot and edit, Channing Tatum knows how to dance, and Matthew McConaughey knows how to chew scenery. But in making two films about the sex industry, Soderbergh failed to understand the difference between what men and women audiences are regularly given. It’s subversive to send a bunch of horny guys into The Girlfriend Experience wanting to see Sasha Grey fuck and then giving them a cold film about economics. But doing the same to a bunch of horny women wanting to see Channing and the gang is just… disappointing. 

Still there were enough abs to keep the audience relatively happy, and I left the theatre with the excited feeling that I’d gotten away with something. The same feeling I always had when I’d hang out with my sister and her friends, the same feeling I’d have any time I managed to be around groups of girls, conversations, car rides, karaoke rooms. While I never felt fully relaxed, I did feel more comfortable. It was as much about being near women as it was about being away from men.

***

We talk a lot about trans women’s relationship towards femininity. Every corny movie with a trans femme youth has her trying on makeup, heels, painting her nails. My experience was certainly filled with a lifelong admiration towards girls and women that fluctuated between envy and lust, admiration and resentment. I obsessively loved women and then turned on them when I felt dissatisfied. I convinced myself that relationships needed to be romantic, because I confused the deep desire to consume their bodies, their fashion, their entire being as a sexual impulse rather than one of imitation. I ruined so many friendships this way.

But what we talk about less is how much of my life was spent with masculinity, immersed in it, confused by it, desperate to understand how to embody it. I know some trans women have clarity from a young age that they are girls and it’s just a matter of others accepting it. But that was not my experience. My discomfort with boyhood and attraction to girlhood never seemed like something I could embrace. Instead I felt a pressure and desire to adjust those attractions, to be a boy and then a man to the best of my ability.

I’m fortunate to have a father who is sensitive and kind. I’m also fortunate to have a father who coached my baseball and soccer teams throughout most of my childhood. Sports became something that was undeniably masculine but that I also loved. I may have watched my sister’s dance classes with envy, but I also found genuine pleasure in being on the field, being physical and focused and competitive. It helped that my dad always prioritized sportsmanship, team spirit, and fun over winning. The league recognized this and rewarded him with the absolute worst players they could find. Our team of misfits may have frustrated me at times, but it also allowed me to think of sports as an exercise in empathy rather than a terrifying world of standards and punishments. I wonder now how many other boys on those teams were queer. I know at least one.

My positive experience with sports allowed me to navigate my early childhood fairly unscathed. I was bullied incessantly by other boys (and even some other girls) probably picking up on something about me. And my “crushes” (as I’d wrongly call them) on girls were intense to the point of all-consuming obsession. But my immense discomfort towards masculinity didn’t really start until middle school, until puberty.

I couldn’t figure out what masculinity even was. I knew certain expectations placed on me and felt like they were all terrible. I was supposed to objectify women. That was the most obvious. The grosser I could get when talking about the girls I “liked” the more I’d be accepted. I was also supposed to be aggressive. Physically. I was not supposed to cry. Or show any emotion. It wasn’t enough that I liked sports. I was supposed to only like sports. If someone was my friend that meant they made fun of me in front of our other friends and the proper response was to make fun of them back. Or hit them. 

Some of this is just middle school. But a lot of it carried over into high school and beyond. My new friends cared more about theatre than sports, but if you’ve ever watched two 17-year-old boys fight over who gets what part in Julius Caesar you’d realize it’s all the same. *** The summer before I came out, the greatest sequel of all time graced our movie screens: Magic Mike XXL. 

This masterpiece of masculinity is a modern-day Old Hollywood musical. Blah blah La La Land blah blah. Go watch On the Town and it becomes clear those musicals are about 1) hot guys, 2) tight pants, 3) great dancing. XXL is pure, sex-positive joy from beginning to end. It abandons the thematic and narrative overwroughtness of the original and makes a new statement: Celebrating female sexuality and non-toxic masculinity is what’s truly radical.

As a lesbian, I’ll leave discussions of the former to others (now that The Toast is gone I’m not sure where Roxane Gay’s review went, it’s really worth hunting down). But as a trans woman, who spent my whole life trying to understand masculinity, this movie was a goddamn revelation. The way the men celebrate women is lovely and sexy and new, but the way they celebrate each other is what really stood out to me.

The men in Magic Mike XXL are masculine. They embody so many of those basic, oversimplified middle school traits I listed above. And yet. It looks good on them. They’re physical, they rag on each other, they trade crude remarks about women. But they also support each other. They discuss their goals and varied interests. They talk out conflicts. Their discussion of women is crude but not objectifying. And they’re comfortable enough in their sexuality and gender to participate in a drag show. Watching XXL, I didn’t feel any closer to masculinity, but for the first time I found it something worth aspiring to. Social pressure was no longer the only thing pushing me towards it, and, as a result, it soon became clear I was never meant to achieve it.

Since coming out, I’ve had the good fortune of befriending some trans men and non-binary individuals who align with certain elements of masculinity and manhood. In these people I tend to see this same sort of Magic Mike XXL version of masculinity. I see it in my dad. I see it in a few cis male friends. I spent my life hating masculinity, but now I see its potential.

***

Last week I went to Thirst Aid Kit’s screening of Magic Mike XXL at the Alamo Drafthouse. Thirst Aid Kit is a podcast hosted by Bim Adewunmi and Nichole Perkins and is really a must-listen if you’re a person who enjoys lusting after men (and if you aren’t it’s still a good time). They provided fake money to throw at the screen and bingo cards with squares like “Mike grabs his crotch.” Cocktails were served throughout and we were encouraged to hoot, wallop, and moan as we saw fit. 

It’s been about six years since I sat in that regular movie theatre with my sister cherishing what felt like girl time. And here I was, again in a majority-women space, watching Channing Tatum grind. This time I felt comfortable, and also, finally, relaxed.

As a trans person, I’ve been forced to examine my gender, to wrestle with masculinity and femininity and ultimately decide what elements of both appeal to me and who I personally am. In a time when cis men are feeling increasingly confused about their place in the world, I wonder what might happen if they also had to ponder their identity. I wonder what might happen if they had to reconsider their own definitions of masculinity. I wonder what an all cis straight male screening of Magic Mike XXL might look like and what it might achieve.

Some need to thirst. Others need to learn. This movie does it all. <3

[hadarlaskey]

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider was an escape for queer teens like me

Celebrating its 25th anniversary this year, the Tomb Raider franchise was reinvented in 2013 and 2018 when it went all serious and explored heroine Lara Croft’s bleak origins in both video game and film prequels. Today, Tomb Raider has a new legion of fans and seems – dare I say it – cool all over again.

What’s still not regarded as cool, however, is the game’s first Hollywood outing. Upon its initial release in 2001, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider was slated by critics and fans alike for its apparent lack of thrills. But for a queer 14-year-old living in the north of England, it was the most thrilling, empowering spectacle I had ever seen.

While the film didn’t coincide with my personal coming out, it is very much a part of my formative queer years – on a par with seeing Ryan Phillipe’s rippling physique in 1999’s Cruel Intentions and wanting to be a bad ass bitch like Sarah Michelle Gellar. When you experience a daily ritual of mental and physical abuse, as many young LGBTQ+ people do, watching powerful women like Lara Croft taking zero crap, opposing the patriarchy, and running around with a big clock in her hand, makes it more bearable.

There’s a ‘Digging into Tomb Raider’ featurette on the original DVD release that’s lodged in my memory. It sees Angelina Jolie, without a hint of irony, telling viewers that she didn’t wanted to make something “cartoony, stupid or camp”. This struck me as an odd thing to say because that’s precisely what the finished product – and particularly her performance – is. What’s even more strange about this comment is that, in hindsight, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider seems to know exactly how ridiculous it is. The knowing looks, the cutting banter – the sheer camp audacity of it all – are what made the film resonate with me.

Jolie’s Lara is unrelenting in her sarcastic remarks, particularly to her skivvy Bryce (Noah Taylor), and her sense of humour never wavers, not even in the face of mortal danger. This is how I wanted to be when faced with bullies at school who saw my queerness as a weakness to exploit. I wanted to devastate them with witty comebacks, rather than the eerie muteness of a silent movie star.

In 2001, the UK education system was still reeling from Thatcher’s Section 28, so trying to understand my attraction to men while having no precedent for it was confusing. In a scene where Lara surprises a naked Alex (Daniel Craig), she looks at his groin with facetious delight before walking away, leaving him needing a cold shower. Although this scene presents a cis-heteronormative relationship, I saw myself as Lara then; a superhero, yes, but also a person with relatable desires.

Lara’s frustration with butler Hillary (Chris Barrie) as he attempts to put her in both a dress (“I’m only trying to make you into a lady”) and a gender-specific box is crucial in cementing the film in the queer canon. Dress aside, Lara’s complete individuality and refusal to be neither feminine nor masculine is essential queer viewing. She doesn’t do it out of spite, but out of need to exist and flourish as herself.

Lara Croft: Tomb Raider is far from perfect. Jolie is frequently objectified (that shower scene?!), but for those of us who have long felt victimised it provides just the right blend of humour, warmth and escapism. There are other, equally relatable moments in the film, such as when Lara, wearing black sunglasses, defiantly puts her feet on a chair in an auction room full of stuffy, privileged old white men. She simply doesn’t give a shit.

Queer people are sometimes made to feel like our existence doesn’t matter, but like Lara, we try and rise above it with a cheeky smile and ‘fuck you’ attitude.

The post Lara Croft: Tomb Raider was an escape for queer teens like me appeared first on Little White Lies.

source https://lwlies.com/articles/lara-croft-tomb-raider-was-an-escape-for-queer-teens-like-me/

[ollyarchive]

Olly Alexander on harnessing the power of sexual fantasy in pop

The Years & Years frontman talks about owning his queer sexuality in the mainstream and writing a twisted disco album about ‘holy wood’

Owen Myers

9 March 2018

“It’s like my Rihanna Loud era,” declares Olly Alexander, before breaking into a laugh. The Years & Yearsfrontman is referring to his cropped curly hair, which is freshly coloured to the hue of a nice Merlot. It’s a cold February evening, and he’s puffing on a roll-up while huddled in the fire exit doorway of a Camden venue. His new dye job has to be kept under wraps, he explains, until its official unveiling in the band’s new video. “It’s so stupid,” Olly says with an eye roll. He then flashes me a grin, suggesting that this moment of starry subterfuge is not entirely unwelcome.

Olly Alexander really likes being a pop star. He says that it’s full of “fairytale” moments, like when his Years & Years earnings enabled him to buy his mum a house, or when he and his ex-boyfriend, Neil Milan (formerly of Clean Bandit), became embraced as British pop’s new golden couple. After winning the BBC Sound poll in 2015, Years & Years’ earworm synth pop was everywhere. They had an inescapable number one single, “King”, and their album Communion was the fastest selling debut that year from a signed British band. Olly says that there are downsides to the tabloid headlines and Twitter trolls that come along with being “a public gay man” – a phrase that he puts in self-deprecating air quotes. But right now, those pressures feel far away, as he prepares to change into a bright pink boiler suit and play to a boozed-up Saturday night crowd, at an Annie Mac-curated showcase. Or, as he put it on Twitter earlier today: bring his “gay agenda” to The Roundhouse.

Years & Years’ great new single, “Sanctify”, contrasts lurking vocals with an ecstatic synth-fuelled chorus, and is as unapologetic as any of Olly’s pithy social media posts. He was newly single when he wrote the song, and reading Andrew Holleran’s 1978 chronologue of gay desire, Dancer From the Dance, had got him thinking about a couple of hookups he’d had with straight-identifying men. “It would always be under darkness,” he says. “It had this added layer of eroticism because it was somewhat forbidden. But (being with me) was a window where they could be themselves, and I felt responsible not to fuck them up.” Those conflicting feelings come through in evocative lyrics about obscuring masks and sinful confessions, with a climax that’s about as on-the-nose as chart pop gets. “I sanctify my sins when I pray,” says Olly, quoting the chorus’s payoff. “What do you do what you pray? You get on your knees. So is it a sexual baptism?” He laughs. “I was just like, ‘There’s a lot to work with here.’”

Years & Years are a three-piece, but the other two members, Mikey Goldsworthy and Emre Türkmen, tend to hunker down behind synths and let Olly take centre stage. His soul-searching lyrics give the band’s maximalist pop its heart, with a singing voice that pierces through a constellation of synths. Their videos bring acts which are often shrouded in darkness into the light, showing the singer cruising in a dank car park, or at a pansexual orgy. The new “Sanctify” visual riffs on dom/sub culture, with an elaborate sci-fi plot that is a device for Olly to perform “Slave 4 U”-inspired dance moves to an audience of androids. When he was commissioned to write a song for the Bridget Jones franchise, he made it about bottoming. “I have sex, I enjoy sex,” he says flatly. He’s sitting in his cosy dressing room the Roundhouse, which rumbles with bass as Disclosure and Mabel soundcheck next door. “In the past, I think gay men (in pop) have often shied away from being overtly sexual, or being commanding of their sexuality. But I believe that our sexual fantasies are a big drive for us all. Exploring that side of yourself is super empowering.”

In the past year or so, many well-known LGBTQ artists have begun to bring queerness into their music in sex-positive ways. Pop’s boy-next-door Troye Sivan strapped on Tom Of Finland leathers for a back alley moment with well-fluffed trade, Janelle Monáe caressed women’s bare thighs, Fever Ray returned with a concept album about queer kink. For better or worse, Sam Smith is now calling himself a “dick monster”on primetime telly. “Sometimes seeing a man express themselves in an overtly sexual way, especially a gay man, makes certain conservative people feel a bit uncomfortable,” Olly says. “I always wanna keep people a little uncomfortable.”

“I believe that our sexual fantasies are a big drive for us all. Exploring that side of yourself is super empowering” – Olly Alexander

Years & Years are far from the first mainstream British pop act to proudly put gay sexuality at the centre of their music – that’s a lineage that runs from Will Young to George Michael, Pet Shop Boys to Bronski Beat, and beyond. But Olly’s performances are a reminder that mainstream pop can be open to explicit queerness (at least, when it’s embodied in a handsome white cis man). Olly has faith that you don’t have to be “generic to be palatable,” and that “straight guys can hear a song that I’ve written about being fucked by another guy, but still relate.” LGBTQ+ people like me grew up seeing straight culture pretty much everywhere; seeing more of our community thrive is crucial.

Growing up in the Forest of Dean, Gloucestershire, Olly was a flamboyant kid. That got him bullied at school, called a “batty boy” before he was even aware that he was gay, and meant that he retreated into drama lessons. While acting, he felt it was okay – a good thing, even – to be expressive. He always nurtured a passion for music, too; he taught himself how to play Joni Mitchell songs on piano, and obsessed over “Dirrty”-era Christina Aguilera. An early performance at a year six assembly blended intimate songwriting and outré entertainment: Olly played piano and sang lyrics about lost love, while two of his friends did a dance routine.

In his late teens and early 20s, Olly cropped up in whimsical micro-budget indie films like 2011’s The Dish And The Spoon, alongside Greta Gerwig, as well as Gaspar Noé’s Enter The Void, and Skins. But his early experiences at school stayed with him. “Your first encounter with your sexuality is often from people bullying you and calling you the thing that you just pray to god that you won’t be – but deep down suspect you might be,” Olly says. “Well, no wonder we have an incredibly conflicting relationship with our bodies and our sexualities, because we’ve had to experience all of that.”

Reflecting on these difficult early years in his dressing room, Olly speaks openly about his own decade-long experience with depression, and the inadequate NHS provisions for those who are struggling with mental health. LGBTQ+ folks disproportionately struggle with depression and substance abuse, he recognises, and there’s only one UK organisation, London Friend, that caters directly to the specific needs of the queer community. “I’ve been there,” says Olly. “They’re amazing, but they are over-subscribed, with a tiny office, old chairs, and not a lot of money. When you’re seeing that people aren’t getting the help they should be, there’s an issue there.” That’s something he knows from first-hand experience. Last year, Olly fronted a BBC documentary, Growing Up Gay, about young LGBTQ+ people struggling with their mental health. His openness around the subject made him a kind of ambassador for those struggles, and he’s trying to work out how to deal with the “almost daily” DMs he gets from people at their lowest moments. “I feel very privileged that someone is wanting to share that with me, but it’s frightening,” he says. “We’re all in fucking pain, and I don’t know if we’re communicating with each other that well.”

“What do we expect a male pop star to do? As a society, how do we want them to behave or present themselves?” – Olly Alexander

Years & Years’ second album, out later this year, mixes gliding pop melodies with churning bass and twisted disco. The new songs feel more varied and exploratory than Communion, thanks in part to new collaborators like current pop’s minimalist masterminds Julia Michaels and Justin Tranter, as well as Greg Kurstin, who co-wrote “Shine”, Years & Years’ best song to date. The album’s centred around a motif of Palo Santo, a healing incense-like wood that you burn and waft around a room. (Olly dramatises this with hand motions as if he’s conducting an invisible orchestra.) Perhaps Palo Santo, with its power to expel evil spirits, could be a metaphor for the songwriting process? Maybe, Olly says. “But (when writing the album) I was angry about loads of things, particularly men. Palo Santo literally means ‘holy wood’ and I was like, ‘This is fucking perfect.’ Like, thinking that your dick is holy? I’ve known guys like that.”

Years & Years’ renewed vision also extends to creating a futuristic universe for their new music to exist in. That’s an idea that Olly’s idols – “Bowie, Prince, and Gaga” – have embraced, and “Sanctify” is the first part of an interconnected series of “weird, wonderful” videos. It marks the next step for a band aiming to join British pop’s pantheon, at a time when Olly, too, has been reflecting on his place in music. “What do we expect a male pop star to do?” he questions. “As a society, how do we want them to behave or present themselves? If I was asking myself, it would be like, ‘Well actually, I’ve always loved this kind of popstar. Maybe I should just be the pop star I want to see in the world.”

[thelcvewitch-blog]

About Claudia Daviau

GENERAL

FULL NAME

claudia adina daviau

NICKNAME(S)

cloud, dia, dee

AGE

thirty-six 

BIRTHDAY

august 7th

GENDER

cis female

PRONOUNS

she/her

FACE CLAIM: Gal Gadot (Adult), Adelaide Kane (Teen-Young Adult), Ayelet Zurer (Older than 40)

LIFESTYLE

LANGUAGE(S)

spanish, french, english, hebrew, and german.

EDUCATION

a phd in psychology (specifically, she studied criminal psychology, because originally she wanted to be a criminal psychologist)/ police academy

OCCUPATION

homicide detective

SOCIOECONOMIC STATUS

upper class

RELATIONSHIPS

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: gray-bisexual

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: biromantic

MARITAL STATUS: single and mingling 

PARTNER(S) coffee.

FAMILY

HOMETOWN

boston, ma

ETHNICITY

ashkenazi jewish, german, polish.

PARENTS

Ivan & Susanna Daviau (adopted); Steven Falk & Delphine Rosen (biological)

SIBLINGS

arabella daviau (adopted), rosemary daviau (adopted), claire daviau (adopted), ivan daviau ii (adopted), robert falk (biological), amada rosewell (biological)

CHILDREN

verse dependent 

PETS

a yorkie named ‘cerberus’ who she’s always walking

PERSONALITY

ZODIAC SIGN

leo

CHINESE ZODIAC

ox

TEMPERAMENT

choleric

MTBI

istj

HABITS

talking with her hands, creasing in her eyebrows, tapping on random surfaces, reading the newspaper in the morning, reading in general, closing her eyes to process or review information, crossword puzzles before bed, practicing conversations in mirrors, she's usually eating candy of some kind (lollipops are her go-to), using a honeyed tone of voice when she likes a person, quirking up her eyebrows.

HOBBIES

reading in the dead of night, crossword puzzles, jogging in central park, pilates

LIKES

puzzles, games, challenges, putting clues together, wine, her job, keeping busy, languages, "ah-ha!" moments, anything aesthetically pleasing, sarcasm, witty people, morning runs, people she can’t read, cleanliness, any sort of pampering, stealing clothes from dudes/chicks (she takes little things from people she’s fond of, whether the relationship is platonic or sexual), cooking (she loves to cook and watching people eat her cooking), keeping busy, dedication, the news, talking to her sisters, listening to others.

DISLIKES

mint chocolate chip ice cream, being alone for too long, people who chew with their mouth open, men who talk over her or don’t say excuse me when they’re walking past her on the sidewalk, people who are cruel to their children, nosy people, when people shove their beliefs down her throat, people who type too slow..

Normal Verse:

♦ At the age of two, Claudia was adopted by Susanna and Ivan Daviau. Susanna could not have children and Ivan wanted them. Both the Daviaus were attentive parents, even though they were busy with their own personal lives. Susanna, a former socialite, worked as a television host in New York city. Ivan worked as the owner of a hotel chain (The Daviau Hotel) and the owner of a few oil wells. They adopted other children, who they loved dearly, and were very supportive of Claudia while she was growing up. Since the Daviaus were busy people, when they weren’t around, the young children were usually in the company of nannies. Claudia found herself growing attached to her nannies and saw them as her extended family. And while her nannies were great and helped her grow into the woman she is today, they all would come and go throughout her life.

♦ One nanny in particular had grown rather fond of her, and Claudia grew fond of her as well. Her name was Lucinda and she would read with her and her siblings every night. A majority of the books were silly – mostly Dr. Seuss and Shell Silverstein. While others stuck with her and helped shape her adult life. Although the detectives in Nancy Drew and Sherlock Holmes were fictional, Claudia found their search for answers admirable. She began to pretend to be those detectives and began to search for the hidden truths and secrets found in the lives of people around her.

While Susanna thought it was wonderful that Claudia had found a new interest, she wanted Claudia to branch out and try new things. Susanna got her to try piano, ballet, fencing; but Claudia always wound up interested in her search for truth. The more Susanna tried to push her away from her new-found hobby, the more invested in it she became.

♦ During this curious phase of her life, Claudia learned her family’s picture-perfect life wasn’t as perfect as it seemed. With all this information in mind, she finally opened her eyes to the fact that the world was flawed and that everyone made mistakes. She found that beautiful, because she was reminded that no one was perfect.

♦ When she was thirteen-years-old, Claudia went to private school. It was this age where Lucinda quit to go live with her family in Mexico. The loss of Lucinda crushed her like nothing else had, but she trooped through it with the support of her siblings and parents.

♦ In private school, she was meant to learn manners and good behavioral skills. However, Claudia became even more invested in her education and speaking her mind. While making friends was hard at first, she managed to find a few people who were worthy of her time and attention. Being around this small group of people led her to believe that she really enjoyed talking to others and that she was interested in learning about what made her friends act the way acted and that pushed her to learn what made them who they were. Claudia’s friends helped her get in touch with a more humane side of herself, helped her become more charismatic, along with more open to others and their stories. In the end, though, she did choose her studies over her friends. With summer classes, determination and an intense dedication to her studies, Claudia graduated three years early.

♦ During university, Claudia focused on achieving her goal of becoming a psychiatrist. While attending school, Claudia found herself testing out the waters of various clubs, even joining a sorority for a short period. To her, university was freedom. It was a reminder of how much she could do to make something of herself. She was moderately homesick, though, and often wrote and called her family to see how they were doing.

Away from school, the start of her residency proved to much more exciting than she thought. Always on the move, always distracted, Claudia enjoyed keeping busy; it was one of her favorite things about her job. After receiving a job with the emergency psych unit and working her ass off , Claudia randomly decided she didn’t want to be a psychiatrist and decided to change her career path: she wanted to work as a cop. Having taken courses in criminal psychology and profiling, along with her prior credentials, it was something she planned on (but didn’t expect to happen) from the get-go. In order to follow this new path, Claudia signed up for the police academy. Much like school, Claudia dedicated herself to the academy and eventually got her badge. Though it took her a long while to receive her ‘land legs’ when it came to the occupation, her co-workers soon discovered her knack for profiling criminals and talking to the victims of crime. At first, she worked small jobs - like giving people tickets and stopping house parties - but eventually she made it to detective.

♦ Enjoying her work, she adapted to her new life and the excitement that came with it. She found a friend and roommate in a woman named Rachel and the two happily lived together. However, to her surprise, Claudia eventually ran into trouble with a man named, Jackson Kent. Jackson, an intelligent man with a fucked up sense of humor, got her mixed into a disturbing game of cat and mouse. While she was able to fend for herself and succeeded in catching the bastard – one gunshot to the knee - she soon discovered Jackson was only a small piece of an even bigger puzzle. What she was dealing with was a group of people being manipulated by one person in particular. And even though she had a long, serious, and angry conversation with Jack in the interview room about who the fuck that person was, she wasn’t given any answers. She was annoyingly given a smug laugh and a riddle on expecting the unexpected.

It took her roommate, Rachel, shooting her, for Claudia to understand Rachel was the person pulling the strings. Once Claudia learned the truth about her friend, Claudia felt stupid and decided to quit her job for a short period of time.

♦ She didn’t want to let Rachel win, however, so she ended up going back to work. With the support of her family and colleagues, she went right back into the swing of things with little problems. Now, not only does she put one-hundred percent into her job, she has signed up for various activities to keep her mind occupied and has been spending more time with her siblings. Frequently, she will go to family game nights and dinners, or will call her family to have her own.

Psychic Powers/Immortal Verse:

tw: death, bullying, brief description of corpse

At the age of two, I was adopted by Susanna and Ivan Daviau. Susanna could not have children and Ivan wanted them. They were both busy people who cared for me in their own ways, but were much too invested in their personal lives to really give me the attention I wanted. Since I was usually in the company of nannies, I found myself growing more attached to them. And while my nannies were great and helped me grow into the woman I am today, they all eventually left me. One nanny, in particular, had grown rather fond of me, and I her. Her name was Lucinda and she would read with me every night. A majority of the books were silly; mostly Dr. Seuss and Shell Silverstein. While others stuck with me and helped shape my adult life. Although the detectives in Nancy Drew and Sherlock Holmes were fictional, I found their search for answers admirable. I began to pretend to be those detectives and began to search for the hidden truths and secrets found in the lives of people around me. My mother thought it was a waste of time and wasn’t having any of it. She tried to ignore it, at first. In her mind, if she got me to try new things – piano, ballet, fencing – I’d get over my newfound interest; but I didn’t. The more she tried to push me away from my new-found hobby, the more invested in it I became. During this curious phase of my life, I discovered my father would throw away the letters my mother would give him in the mornings. I learned that my older brother pretended to be the son my father wanted him to be, instead of the cruel bully who smoked pot by the side of the house. Most importantly, I discovered my mother wasn’t the perfect wife and mother she presented herself to be in front of her friends. She was filled with secrets that ranged from one-night stands to having a son I didn’t know about. A son who had gone missing, whose body had yet to be found. With all this information in mind, I finally opened my eyes to the fact that the world was flawed and that everyone made mistakes. When I was thirteen-years-old, my mother sent me away to a boarding school across state. She also fired Lucinda, which crushed me like nothing else had. I suddenly felt lost and more alone than I’ve ever been in my entire life. I never forgave my mother for Lucinda’s loss, either. I began to hate her and made the effort not to reply to her holiday cards. I wanted nothing to do with her.  I thought she was attempting to ruin my life. During my stay at boarding school, I had picked up a few friends. The girls were my age, intelligent, and enjoyed my company – weird quirks and all.  Being around them, I learned they held their own secrets as well. Though I could easily tell their secrets to everyone, I didn’t. I trusted these girls. The girls I didn’t trust, however, I did reveal the secrets I learned about them and they weren’t very happy about it. One group of girls, who called themselves ‘The Gems’, hated me. After they bullied a friend of mine, I snitched to our teacher that I had seen one of the girls smoking in the schoolyard. I assume she got into a lot of trouble because during one of the free days we were allowed to roam around town one of the bigger girls in that group had ganged up on me and put me over her back. She took me to a nearby cemetery where the rest of the girls were. They gave me a talking to and beat the shit out of me. When they left me, I learned something new about myself …I could see ghosts. [title]What I warn you to remember is that I am a detective. Our relationship with truth is fundamental but cracked, refracting confusingly like fragmented glass. - Tana French, In the Woods[/title]

I’m not bullshiting, either. I was no ‘Long Island Medium’ pretending to see things for money. I could actually see what I assumed were ghosts. The first ghost I ever saw came to me in the cemetery I got beat up in and she was very kind to me. At first, I thought she was some random passerby who wanted to give me a helping hand. But when I reached out to her, my hand went right through her and I freaked the fuck out. I ran right out of that goddamn cemetery and I never looked back. My friends all assumed I looked as mortified as I did because of what had happened to me with The Gems. I let them believe that, too. I was too horrified and too embarrassed to tell them what I had seen. They would think I was crazy. More annoyingly, I’d be made a laughing stock. After that day at the cemetery, I dedicated myself to my studies. I adored my friends, but I no longer could identify with them. I had seen a dead woman and I could no longer shake the image away. I had matured from the experience and hid in my books and studies, instead of putting myself out there as I had before. Until that day, I did not know what it was like to have a secret I did not want anyone to know. I had dedicated most of my life to discovering secrets, and now I was scared of someone finding out mine.

Due to my vigorous study sessions, I graduated a few years earlier than my classmates. Graduating was a freeing experience, but I continued to see and hear things. I knew it would be something I would never be able to get rid of, so I promised myself that I would not let my little gift get in the way of how I lived my life. This was why, when I studied at Columbia University, I made the effort to make friends and involve myself in school activities. I put in lots of effort to be social, while putting in even more effort to make my way into a career as a psychiatrist.

After surviving my residency, I found myself working the emergency psych unit in New York. It was a lot of work. People were always in need of assistance. There were rarely ever any breaks because I was always on my feet. It was my job at the psych unit that made me realize how speaking with ghosts wasn’t as terrible as I was making it out to be. Some of the patients I saw would sometimes pass and I usually stopped what I was doing to try and communicate them. Like their living counterparts, they had secrets. The only difference now was that their secrets had the capability of helping them. I wound up helping a few of them, while a few others were stubborn and decided they didn’t need help, that they got a better kick out of fucking with me. And as much as I enjoyed my job at the emergency psych unit, I decided to change career paths in order to pursue a career as a police officer.

Working as a police officer was exciting. Even when I was doing nothing but handing out tickets and telling party-goers to turn down their music, I was having the time of my life. I felt much happier as a police officer than I did as a psychiatrist. However, once I was given the shot to work as a homicide detective, I got to combine my love of puzzles with the information I’d learned while studying psychiatry.

After about a year, I was given the opportunity to work on an interesting case with one of my colleagues. Her name was Rachel and she was beautiful in a Hitchcock blond sort of way. She was also incredibly good at her job, and for that I admired her. The case started out minor, as though it would be solved in a week or month’s time. But as we dove deeper into the case, we both began to notice things were more complicated than we assumed they’d  be.

The mutilated bodies of several of our missing victims had been found in various parts of Los Angeles. We assumed the killer would have gotten bored after six murders, but we discovered differently about a month later into our investigation. With one of the victims escaping, we learned we were biting more than we could chew. The news was surprising to both Rachel and I, and when we reported our findings we were told to let it go. Obsessed with the case, I began to get bored. All I could think about was victims I had tried to find who were found in various parts of the city. I was furious that we weren’t given any answers. Even worse, I felt like the answers were hiding right under my nose. It was a stupid move on my part, but I used my spare time to dedicate myself to the case. From a good friend who took over the case, I discovered that there had been a new body.

I walked to the scene of the crime, claiming to one of my old colleagues that it was important for my work. Of course the crime scene was still as cluttered and messy as the others, and of course, the body had been found somewhere out in the open. Like all the other bodies found, the parts of the victim I could see looked as though she was ready for a date – make-up perfectly kept, opposed to mascara stains, and well-styled hair. Not only that, but when her home was searched, none of her technological devices were found. An important thing I noticed was the fact that I shared similar characteristics of these young women – I had brown hair, I was tall, and olive toned skin. With this in mind, I continued my own investigation by putting myself on dating apps and websites. In the process, I discovered the killer I had stupidly went in search of. Instead of the killer being a man, the killer was a woman. To make matters worse, this woman wasn’t some random woman who was bored and decided to go on a killing spree – this woman was Rachel. Since I had no back-up, Rachel showed me her true colors. I thought she was going to attack me like she attacked her other victims, but instead she shot me twice, leaving me to tumble down the stairs, before telling me to watch my back. ———————————————– PLATONIC Right now Claudia works as a homicide detective. She quit her job for a little while, due to a rough case that nearly ended her life. Although claudia’s sarcastic and blunt nature has a way with pushing people away, she is quite gregarious and won’t shut up once you get her talking. She’s her most social when she’s working, because she can’t afford to be shy when looking for answers. Very active in the community, she has found herself making both wanted and unwanted new friends and acquaintances along the way. She is a very energetic and playful person, along with a very great listener, too. Being friends with claudia might be awkward at times, however, since many of her reactions to things are what she expects people want from her. Meaning, in a way, she only reveals as much to people as she likes, and very few people know the real her. Still, even with her negative personality traits, people who she decides to call ‘friend’ or ‘acquaintance’ get the see a lighter side of her, along with any help they need when they are in need of a helping hand.

ROMANTIC Oh my God, so Claudia is very adventurous and cocky and is in no way shy about her sexuality. She has been known to sleep around and isn’t apologetic about it. However, she is very loyal when she has a romantic partner that she’s serious with. It would be great for her to have a friend with benefits who is more like an enemy with benefits, because she’d have a lot of fun with someone she gets to play argue with it. She likes when people are snappy with her; she thinks it’s really hot. Other than that, I’d really want her to have a future partner (male or female) who drives her up the wall? She’s a bored over-achiever who lives off cheap thrills, so if anyone out there is willing to shake up her life a little, please do

ANTAGONISTIC  this garbage fire of a woman is bound to have a few enemies. once she decides she dislikes someone, she tends to let her opinion be known. she hates when people take advantage of her and isn’t afraid to speak her mind when bullshit occurs. sure she’s loyal to those she holds near and dear, but the people who have become her enemy know she’s not the angel she makes herself out to be. when provoked, claudia is not afraid of mind-games or even ruining one’s reputation for the sake of a little old-fashioned revenge. there’s also the fact that her sarcasm could rub people the wrong way. same goes for her realism. not only that, her job as a detective has probably given her just as many enemies as friends.

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

Trans women ARE women. Trans women are NOT men.

If a man wanted to go into the woman’s bathroom and assault women, do you really think a sign on a door will stop him?? Do you think he’ll care and bother to go through HORMONE treatment and years of persecution and hatred JUST to assault women?? Honey, don’t make me laugh.

Sure, maybe some cis men do claim to be women just to be assholes or to assault people - but why should actual trans women have their rights stripped away because of cis men? That’s the literal stupidest fucking thing.

Here’s the thing - I was bullied and assaulted in the toilets my whole life, from 5 to the age of 18. You know who actually assaulted and attacked me? CIS women. Not trans women, CIS women like myself. I’ve shared toilets and changing rooms and women only spaces with trans women since I can remember, especially at college while doing drama, and they’ve never once made me uncomfortable.

So long as they’re polite and decent, I really don’t care who the fuck enters the bathroom with me - a cis guy could use the women’s toilet for all I care, because there’s CUBICLES. No one is going to watch me or anyone else pee because we LOCK cubicle doors in the women’s restroom. A toilet is a toilet - you piss and shit in it, end of discussion.

And as someone who’s been sexually assaulted by a cis man - to the point where I had to leave my job and struggle to quickly find another one so I could pay the bills - I still don’t fear trans women, because I know that trans women aren’t to blame for what cisgender men do. It would be like me saying “the guy who sexually assaulted me was black and from a different country (which he was), we should ban black people because they’re dangerous!” - it’s fucking vile and ridiculous and it just shows how close minded you are.

Trans women are women - I’m sorry that both your ego and your feminism is so fragile that it’s hurt by trans women being who they are. Trans people just want to be recognized as they are and get on with life. Are there horrible trans people? Sure - there are horrible people in literally every group to ever exist, horrible gay people, horrible white people, horrible black people, horrible straight people etc. That doesn’t mean we should take away a whole group’s rights just because certain people in that group are bad.

JK Rowling’s back on her bullshit again, I see.

Maybe if she spent less time focusing on hating transgender people and more time writing and working on the script for the next Fantastic Beasts, the films would have a chance of being better.