#im so unbearably obsessed with this film

[dr-wormman]

Did you know I actually have no idea how to draw hands

[yenonnoff]

TEACH ME HOW TO LOVE! 31. i hate unrequited love tropes

masterlist ⌒☆ previous ⌒☆ next

fun facts:

bokuaka is in this chapter bc i love bokuaka

usually whenever kuroo drinks it’s not too bad. he fell ONCE and got back up like nothing even happened. still, everyone was shocked and worried about him so kuroo likes to feign and exaggerate sometimes to get attention (especially kenma’s). kuroo’s a grandpa using kenma as his little cane.

kuroo read the entire harry potter series when he was little. he’d obsess over the spells and memorize them; he’d also drag kenma into his shenanigans and they would play pretend with the spells sometimes.

kenma secretly enjoyed it.

(lol guys i did in fact not read harry potter growing up i only played the silly little games im a poser but a lover at heart!!!)

kuroo has a very thorough skin care routine! however, he has mixed feelings when it comes to working with skin care brands. sure he gets to keep the products afterwards but he’s always crossing his fingers that they don’t make his skin breakout.

he definitely waits an hour for his products to dry before going to bed.

TEACH ME HOW TO LOVE! ｡ｏ♡ an atsumu miya smau

synopsis: when y/n l/n, a rising actress, decides to star in a romance film that could make or break her career, she’s unable to showcase her skills, revealing her inexperience within the romance department instead. worst of all, atsumu miya, her co-star and the main lead’s love interest, seems to hate her guts! with absolutely, unbearably zero chemistry between the two, an idea was proposed: spend time with one another in the upcoming weeks. will y/n be able to ignore her professionalism and listen to her heart? and will she, a clueless romantic, be able to pick up on the signs her co-star is sending her?

a/n: this is coming from someone whos never been in a relationship before booooo!!! 👎 the slow burn is burning me alive in a giant wok and im slowly losing my mind (i hate unrequited love AND slow burn maybe this is my way of coping) 🤕🤕

taglist is open! dm or ask to be a part of it! (those bolded were unable to be tagged)

⌒☆ @kqbukimono @empathum @clyver @chosoluv @oceansfloor @sunarots @marga-j @rukia-uchiha-98 @wyrcan @thechaosoflonging @rintarousgirl @ast4rg1rl @seiamor @saiewithakatana @usermins @literally-a-ferret @terrarain @iuspired @haruskatana @wolffmaiden @ris-krispie @vellichxrr6782 @animenaces-world @reignsaway @emii4evr @writing-for-the-hell-of-it @yuminako @tojirin @v3nusplanetofluv @vyvixen @secondary-character-25 @tenjikusstuff4 @444choso @mylahrins @deimmortales99 @hisfuture @staywhelmed8801 @dl-yum @nessaasstuff @milesmoralesluvs @101tsumu @ryeyeyer @cherrypieyourface @azharyy @mimi3lover @stayyyyyyyyyyyy21 @dazball @whykirbo @r0seandth0rns @localgaytrainwreck @miyamoratsumuu @zephestia @luvvmae @seeyapizzazz

[listofwhyyouloveher]

i saw your imagines where it was a matt dillon x fem! reader and i loved them!! i was wondering if you could do one where matt and the reader broke up but they still have to film this movie together, and in the movie matt and the reader are dating and they end up getting back together. 💗

ok so im genuinely like obsessed with matt dillon. like it isnt even funny anymore im so crazy abt him. im kinda thinking abt doing this for drugstore cowboy filming because it kinda makes sense

"i want all actors in five!" says an assistant manager. you groan, the next scene is the one you had been dreading since you broke up with matt. you actually hated how clean the break up was, like a simple goodbye to someone you actually wanted to spend a lifetime with. but you brushed it under the rug as you re-read the script. matt was supposed to be ranting about how stealing his drugs made him feel so hot and then you say something about him making love to you. you ran a hand over your face, it was all so embarrassing! "c'mon y/n, they want you up there" says your manager. you reluctantly get up from your chair and hurridly walk onto the set. "and action!" yells the director. "baby, you know how these things go. it's like a crap game, when you're hot, you shoot the works...when you're cold, you lay off a bit." matt -playing bob-, says, the lines perfectly rehearsed so it sounded as real as it could be. you give him a look, you knew the next 2 lines. you bit the inside of your cheek and you could tell he knew as well. He starts, "well, right now, baby, i'm so hot, I'm burnin' up all over!" you take a step towards him, really feeling the moment, the unspoken want between you two because you were both too stubborn to let go of the breakup. "alright buster," you cross your arms over your chest and matt's eyes flick over your body before looking out the window and avoiding eye contact. "if you're so goddamn hot, why don't you lay me down right now and make love to me!" "and cut! that's a wrap, take ten while we block out the next part." the director interrupts. you clear your throat and look away from matt. he stares at you, straight through your soul. "uhm, good job" he says, an awkward attempt at small talk. "you too." you cleared your throat, "really sold the part" you mumble. theres a beat of unbearable silence before matt speaks. "maybe this isn't the best place to talk about this, but I think I still love you." "..." "like really, really love you. it's so uncomfortable...like, y'know having to wake up next to not you, and having to drive with...not you." he phrases it in that awkward way that you always adored. "so, why'd you break it off.." you mumble, "thought you were sick of me. especially since we're filming together for so long" he mutters. theres another silence that lasts longer. "i think you're dumb for thinking that." you say and he looks up at you, a smile playing on his lips. "would you...like to try again? maybe?" he asks "i would like that."

[hypocriticaltypwriter]

As the local reserver, (and obsesser) I'm here to tell you things about Book! Ace Merrill!!

NOTE!!!!!! Abuse mentioned! Please note this!

In the Book, The Body, which stand by me is based off of...Ace rides a motorcycle with the Cobra gang! He's also just as calm in the book as he is tbr film, cocky too.

It's implied he's a drug dealer however, and horribly abusive to all his girlfriends, tending to slap them around and such. It's also noted that he, and the gang, aren't much older than Gordie and his gang of friends.

Gordie and his friends are ment to be right at 13, or defiantly 12 going into 13, it is a coming of age film after all...so Ace Merrill and the gang are maaaybe 16-18...is what it's implied. (Denny lachance however, was a week away from turning 20 when he died poor boy)

The age thing is so weird, becuse it's implied Ace sleeps with a bunch of girls, and it's just like...okey?? Steven King can you lay off the weird obsession with teens sleeping together- (I'm not sorry)

Also the dug part: it's implied he deals in week since it's right st the turn of the 60s, but I'm sure he gets his hands on cocaine to.

In the book, Ace isn't actually the leader of the Cobra gang, Richard "Eyeball" Chambers is! And Ace is his right hand man, which in the movie, well I get why Ace was the leader yeah, but it implies he has pretty boyfriend private from Richard who loves him I bet.

He has a looong history of stealing, and gets caught trying to break into the safe at the general store and they send him the juvenile prison for a few years at the end of the novel the body.

Also he has at least 4 other siblings. He's the second oldest and there's an infant? And then a kid kinda?? Nesr Gordie and their age but younger?? Kinda??? But he's the second oldest and hates his home life....he's named John Merrill after his uncle or dad?? And he hates that name so much he gets violent over it because he can't stand his family or to be John, and then his uncle runs that junk yard..

Not much is diffrent, other than he and the cobras ride and work on their motorcycles a lot, AND own the cars.

Then he gets mentioned in another book, and has yet ANOTHER where it's about his death.

The other book he gets mentioned in a few times, and hes an adult now, but it's vaguely mentions he's a violent alcoholic, and horribly abusive to his current life? Girlfriend? So much so she's like...missing teeth...and brushed up when another character sees her. Ace is also very much addicted to coke, and his alcohol, and it's implied the Cobra gang went separate ways and some are more functing members of society others died.

It's implied Richard like...has a steady job and wife now?? Yeah, anyways, Ace is unbearable still...but he works at a mechanic shop and a factory too I think? Just mentioned, vaguly that he works in those places...he could have been fired as well.

The next book, and then later movie, (which doesn't have kiefer..) Ace is an older adult, and it goes into more detail on him. He wound up homeless, and inherited a massive house along with a bunch of debt, he finds a tressure map in the house and much like the young biy he still is at heart I supose(or greedy desprate adult) he rushes off to try and get the money in hopes of saving his ass from debt and becoming rich.

Only to be slowly, brutally murdered by...weird??? Native american??? Burial ground ghost?? Haunted ass lands and they kill him becuse he's bad??? Okey???

Like Steven king please change it up some, all that man knows is nature American haunted land, underage sex sceans, and sad endings....CHANGE IT UP SOME!!!!!

But that's book Ace!! ...yeah🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉

I'm sure you can see why I like my fan version of Ace, even film Ace more...I think you can see why I made him also be Mary at times.

Also accidental thing: Deadname/hates the name John, chooses the name Mary instead~ (accidental...Bible thing, you tell me please-)

NOOOOOO NOPE THIS ISN'T REAL NONE OF THIS IS IM IN DENIAL

IDK WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THIS TOTALLY DOESN'T HAPPEN WDYM

[No but on a fr note I'm definitely stickin to the movie and my thoughts on movie Ace more than the books 😤 I honestly feel like- as much as I wanted more of him in the movie, you can work with redeeming or changing up his character for later events if you'd want. YEAH. Thaaats right. Fixing him and making him try to be a better person for his GIRL and his BABIES 🫵💪💥💥]

The only thing I did keep that I researched about in the books is that he works at a mechanics shop- and that he has a motorcycle later on too.

STEVE HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO MY BOY?? ME AND MIKEY gotta write him his own story smh. If he ain't gonna give Ace a shy little girlfriend to protect and be all sweet with OR make him genderfluid and be happy as a shy darling gal like Mary she deserves to be WE WILL

[thelesbianpoirot]

“Who else feels like a bottomless pit, black hole, well of loneliness seeking nourishment, pleasure and fulfilment that never comes”

👋🏾 meee

i can never enjoy something in moderation and when i do it’s through an almost excruciating sense of self-control that honestly isn’t even worth it. just feels like im depriving myself ofsomething that I deserve. idk what it is i guess i feel like after coming back from work and surviving this racist, homophobic, sexist society, what else is there. why shouldn’t i indulge in the tiny pleasures bring me joy? why should i hold back when the world also doesn’t hold back in its cruelty? and when i explain this to others they never get it. but you worded it it perfectly and ive never heard other women speak on this though I’m sure there are many who feel this way so thank you. 

SAY MORE! I am sick of feeling like I am depriving myself. It makes life unbearable. But it is scary that there doesn't seem to be a limit for me, I can't sense a natural cut off point, what if I just keep consuming until I burst, metaphorically. And after consuming I am just left with a feeling of self disgust and the desire is still there. The desire is there and I don't know what it is and I don't know how to satisfy it. And you're right what is the purpose of holding back in this horrible (racist, sexist, classist, ableist, homophobic world) where our little comforts are all we have? What is left? WORK. EAT. MAINTAIN (cleaning self and your space and grocery shopping and paying bills). CONSUMING MEDIA. SLEEP. AND REPEAT until dead. I have hobbies I just lose interest after the obsession boom fades. I don't mean to be a Debbie downer, but Women need more! We need more. There is media for men explaining their petty little version of this dilemma (fight club for one famous example), but I don't think there is media like this for women that doesn't turn into a reason to film softcore porn. Yes, some women fill this yearning with sex, but that is the easy to market version of this, the "sexy side", the rest of us binge eat, drink, do drugs, rot, self harm, and deteriorate in our rooms like agoraphobic hermits. Forever seeking satisfaction.

Yeah there are women who feel the way I do, but are afraid to speak because they can't articulate it in a way that sound poetic and important, and worth listening to. But I believe every woman is worth listening to, no matter her education level or public speaking ability. I shouldn't have to be a scholar to say I want more than I am allowed to have, and sometimes I don't know what I want, and wish I could live in a world where I can go searching for what I wanted without being summarily punished for being an insatiable, greedy, curious, empty woman.

[married-to-google-translater]

Request for yandere neige, leona, ruggie, jamil, malleus with an agressive reader doesnt return their feelings. One day, they had enough and pull their collar, "im not your fucking lover so get lost before i fucking kill you"

This is part 1/2 for Malleus and Neige.

Leona, Ruggie and Jamil is here. (Not yet)

Yandere Neige LeBlanche

Oh fuck...

Listen my friend you are now in really big problems.

It all started the day you decided to go shopping.

And "by chance" Neige happened to run into you at your favorite store.

(This stalker is definitely a planned everything)

And now Neige is following you everywhere and refusing to understand what the phrase “I want to be alone” means.

This will really frustrate you.

Because every time you go somewhere Neige is there and this same formula is repeated.

Now, however, you got enough and because you knew that speaking kindly wouldn’t help you decided to start threatening him.

And after you said “im not your fucking lover so get lost before i fucking kill you” Niege starts to cry.

And that's not a problem.

The problem is that some Neige fan saw the situation, filmed it on video and now everyone hates you.

Neige takes full advantage of this situation and begins to sacrifice oneself on social media (cunning bastard)

And because it doesn’t fit in his delusional minds the idea that you don’t like him, Neige begins to indirectly blame Vil for what happened.

" I am really shocked by what my dear girl / boyfriend Y/N said to me. *start cry* I don’t think I’ll ever get over it because I love Y/N so much. I-I just hope they had a bad day and they didn’t mean it... Or maybe one of my competitors from the same school has talked badly about me. I just can’t believe my loved one hated me. This is bound to be some evil curse. Y/N if you hear this come back to me. I forgive you and we can be together forever."

Yup

You will eventually have to apologize to him because the anger you get from others will start to become unbearable.

Vil is also putting pressure on you because he doesn't want his career ruined because of you.

Neige can only win in this situation.

Yandere Malleus Draconia

Malleus has started something that dragons call choosing a mate and people call it harassment.

He will leave you a lot of expensive gifts, follow you everywhere and try to scare everyone else away from you.

Malleus is really good at it.

But well, would you be happy if you were stalked 24/7 by an obsessive dragon who has decided to make you his partner?

( Note the question was rhetorical. )

And you endured it for a week.

Which is a really good performance considering your personality.

So you decided to stop this

"So my dear, what do you have for me? Why are you standing in a chair? If you want to kiss me I can bow to your level. Don't get mad my dear it was just a joke... So you wanted to tell me that if I didn’t stop loving you would kill me? *laugh* That was a really good joke. I have to tell Sebek and Lilia this. I-it wasn't joke? You can try to kill me for gold but you can't. Tell me who you got this idea from. From another man? I knew they would only give you bad impressions. Don't argue dear. Don't worry soon they won't bother you anymore * smile *"

So the only thing you succeeded in was that now Malleus is even more paranoid and skeptical.

He'll kidnap you really fast after that.

And Sebek is really mad at you for threatening his master.

I really do not recommend doing this.

[kimvvantae]

puzzle; 6 (m)

➜  you and jungkook are best friends of a lifetime, even though your personalities are like unmatching pieces of a puzzle. the line between friendship and something more has never been crossed between you two - but that changes after a break up and a drunken night, when you not-so-accidentally cross this line to something much more. what happens when after this accident your non-matching puzzle pieces seem to match in a way you’ve never imagined?

pairing: jungkook x (f) reader

genre: smut, angst, comedy; friends with benefits au; college au

warnings: lots of swearing, unprotected sex (use condoms y’all kids)

rating: 18+

word count: 13k wooohoooooo

A/N: i listened to the same 4 songs over and over again while writing and i think it kind of sets the mood for this chapter so hm if you guys like listening to music while reading here goes a small playlist:

Jungkook - If you (read the lyrics pls)

Whitesnake - Is This Love

BTS - Jamais Vu

Sam Smith - Lay Me Down

enjoy!

➜  Chapters: check up masterlist in bio!

« playlist »

“You’re acting weird.”

You finally look up when you hear this, just to see Hoseok frowning at you.

“I’m not.” You’re quick to say, shrugging.

“You’re really acting weird. Is everything okay?” Hoseok insists, crossing his arms.

Hoseok is not what bothers you the most, though, but another pair of eyes watching you like a hawk.

Jimin knows why you’re acting weird. Since that day at Joy’s house, he has been staring at you like this constantly - half judging, half worried. 

It’s very annoying, to be honest.

“I’m just… a little bit stressed.” You admit, shrugging again. Fortunately, Hoseok isn’t as observant as Jimin, so he seems convinced.

“So, what did you guys want?” You ask, changing the topic. They came after you in the cafeteria while you have lunch after all.

“Ah! I almost forgot,” Hoseok starts. “You quit your job at the coffee shop, right?”

“Yes. It was way too stressful and my boss was a bitch.” You huff. 

“So you’ll be free this weekend?” He asks. You nod, but if he’s about to invite you to a party or something, you’re ready to say no. “The thing is, you know that me and Jimin have this job as waiters, right? There’s a wedding this weekend and they’re needing staff. So, if you’re interested, you can come with us on Saturday night. The payment is decent and it’s just easy stuff to do.”

Your mood lightens up at this. “Yeah, sure! I’ll go. I really need money right now.”

Hoseok smiles and claps his hands together. “Alright! I’ll send you all the information later. They’ll give you a uniform, so don’t worry about clothes. I have to go now. Bye!”

He leaves.

Jimin stays.

You just keep eating quietly, Jimin’s heavy gaze on you, until you finally get annoyed.

“Jimin, what do you want?” You cross your arms and glare back.

Jimin slowly quirks one eyebrow. “Won’t you ask me if Jungkook’s going?”

“Why would I ask if he’s going or not?”

“Because you guys aren’t talking anymore.”

“Thank you so much for reminding me of this, Jimin." 

He realised that he went a little too far just by seeing your clenched jaw and the anger in your eyes. Jimin sighs and shrugs. "Anyways, yes, Jungkook is going. But not to work as a waiter, he’ll take pictures instead.”

“So what?" 

Jimin swipes his hand over his face and shakes his head as if he can’t believe what he’s seeing. "I think you’re so stupid. Both of you. My fucking God.”

“You know what, Jimin? That’s none of your business.” You finally get up and take the tray rather roughly, walking away without looking back.

Maybe you were a little too rude with Jimin, but he’s being unbearable these days. 

It’s been one month since that day at Joy’s house - one month since you and Jungkook have been avoiding each other like the plague.

And maybe you were a little too rude with him because deep down, you know he’s right.

As usual.

tae: wyd?? 👀👀

you: working

tae: ??? didn’t u quit ur job

you: yea

you: it’s one night thing

you: i need the 💸💸

tae: oh

tae: ok

tae: i’ll ask later then

you: wAIT

you: ask what??????

tae: later

tae: u should work first~

you: but im curious

you: i can’t work if im curious >:(

tae: 🙊

you: tae????

you: taeeeeeeee

you: TAEHYUNG

He doesn’t reply anymore.

You groan, shoving your phone on your back pocket again, and leave the restroom. The guests hadn’t arrived yet since the wedding ceremony is still ongoing, but the kitchen is already a mess: people yelling orders, the delicious scent of good food in the air, cooks cooking (duh) and waiters getting ready. The boss has already given you the last instructions, but it’s not as if working in an event like this is a difficult task: serve the guests, smile, be polite, walk around the hall, try not to break the crystal glasses that cost more than what you can pay.

The hotel is pretty fancy, actually. You were expecting a smaller wedding. Not that this is a problem, of course. The only problem here are the heels that all women are forced to use; it’s not too high, but walking around endlessly the whole night in these will be painful for sure. The rest of the uniform is that standard - black pants, white button shirt, black vest and bow tie, hair tied in a perfect high bun, simple makeup. 

You walk to the hall to make the last adjustments in the decoration. Pretty much everything is in place, so there isn’t much to do. The tables are organized, the floor is pristinely clean, the white flower bouquets are in place. A DJ will be in charge of music tonight.

You stand at the back of the hall, almost hidden, just to check your phone once more; no new texts. Now, you can’t stop thinking about what Taehyung wants to ask. He knows you’d get all curious. You and Taehyung have grown closer these days: late phone calls, endless texts, random memes at random times. You hadn’t gone on a proper date yet, though - and you don’t think you want to.

Taehyung is a nice guy and a good friend, but you don’t want to take things to the next level - even though this seems to be Taehyung’s intention since the beginning. He has been insisting in you for quite a long time now meanwhile all you do is keep a certain distance. You didn’t really give him any real hopes yet and you’re afraid that Taehyung might be reading your actions in the wrong way. Truth be told, it’ll be so shitty of you to keep his hopes high when you won’t go anywhere with this.

Your feelings are all messed up. 

Because you shouldn’t even be feeling anything in the first place.

Ironically, you’ve never been friends with benefits with anyone before. You did have some fuck buddies in the past, though - but you were never friends with any of them. You never got involved with any of your actual friends. Sure, there was that night when drunk-you and drunk-Jimin made out at a party (you don’t talk about it), but at that time, you had just joined college and neither you nor Jungkook were close to Jimin yet, so it doesn’t really count. Also, you and Jimin never had sex - you just kissed, nothing more.

But of course dumb you had to be friends with benefits with your best fucking friend. Of course you had to destroy your friendship like that. Everyone knows that sex is a friendship destroyer. Everyone!

One month without Jungkook felt like being in the desert without rain. You have good friends, but none of them are that special person that’s somehow able to read you mind and understand you even if you don’t say anything. None of them know the type of meme you’d laugh at, none of them sent you random snaps at random times of the day. Worst of all - you didn’t watch Endgame together, when you’ve been watching every Marvel film together ever since you both started obsessing over heroes years ago. Every. Single. Marvel. Film.

You didn’t get to see Jungkook crying during the last scenes of Endgame. Jimin didn’t say if he cried or not, but you know he cried.

That’s devastating.

Truth be told, you don’t even miss sex. Sure, you and Jungkook are the perfect match in bed, and you caught yourself masturbating at night wishing it were Jungkook’s fingers inside of you instead (touching yourself has never been so depressing), but what you actually miss to the point it hurts your chest are the small, familiar things. The comfortable silence. The funny banter. Going to Burger King together late at night after a party or when none of you want to cook. Showing each other funny videos or discussing about the latest chapter of the manga you’re both reading. Jungkook ignoring your texts for hours because he’s too focused on playing Overwatch. You even miss the way he never lets you eat the last slice of pizza, goddammit.

You simply miss him.

What leads you to another thought - something that has been growing stronger in your mind.

After days of self denial, you finally admitted that you were jealous of Jungkook and Joy.

There’s no other explanation for the way you acted that day at her house. You were mad that she was touching him and getting too close. That’s weird. You’ve never really been the jealous type. You never minded when people tried to flirt with Jungkook.

You’re not jealous of friends.

Even so, you had a jealousy attack and didn’t rest until Jungkook’s attention was yours again.

Being totally honest with yourself, you’ve been jealous of Joy ever since you found out she was interested in him.

…what the fuck?

Something inside of you have changed, and only now you’re brave enough to admit. Somewhere along the road, you stopped seeing Jungkook as just a friend. He’s currently in that blurry and confusing level - not only a friend, but at the same time, not more than a friend. You don’t know what the fuck he is anymore.

More importantly… do you want to be more than friends?

If you and Jungkook make up, will you be able to go back to what it was - just friends?

Or are you just being possessive? Did you start seeing him in a different way just because you realized you’re about to lose him?

You don’t know the answer to none of those questions. What you know at the moment is that being away from him fucking hurts. You have the same friends, go to the same places, study at the same university, but barely see each other anymore. What’s that thing people say? You just start valuing things after you lose them.

Jimin asked you not to play with Jungkook’s feelings. What he doesn’t know, though, is that you’re so confused about yours that you don’t have time to play with his feelings.

When you realize the guests are about to come, you force your brain to focus on your current task. You stand back with the rest of the waiters as, slowly, the elegant guests get into the hall, sitting at their respective tables, and soon the place is filled with conversation, laughter and music. 

After everyone took their places, the main couple finally come.

The lights change. The DJ plays a special song. Guests stand up and applaud when they enter the hall, smiling, and walk to the center to have their first dance as a married couple.

You could have noticed how the bride’s dress was beautiful. You could have noticed how her front teeth was dirty with lipstick and how the groom tried to discreetly tell her about this. You could have even noticed how one of the kids was starting to have a tantrum and his mother half-screamed, half-whispered, if you don’t be quiet you’ll be grounded for one month!

But you don’t notice any of that, because the photographer enters the hall right after the couple does.

Your heart flutters in a funny way.

Jungkook is wearing a suit (you don’t even remember the last time you saw him in a suit); black and simple, but it fits him so well. He isn’t much different from all the other man, except for his long hair - his black hair is so long he can probably tie it now - and his ear piercings. He holds his camera to eye level, capturing every moment he can from the couple’s first dance, a backpack with other tools hanging from his shoulder. 

Everyone else is focusing on the couple - but you can’t look at anything else but him.

He looks so handsome and focused and hot and-

Hey, you’re here to work!, you remind yourself angrily, shaking your head and walking back to the kitchen.

Drink after drink, tray after tray - you and the other waiters and waitresses walk around the hall to serve the guests. It’s not a difficult work, but still tiring nevertheless. It’s also hard to balance yourself and the trays with these high heels. Soon, you’re immersed in the work and momentarily forget about everything else, although (unconsciously) you try to avoid being seen by a specific someone.

Time passes by and the party goes on. Parents make heartfelt speeches, everyone cries. The DJ plays popular songs and soon the dancefloor is full. Alcohol already starts to get into their heads. Men are either speaking and laughing too loud or crying, hugging the groom. Women already forgot their high heels and their elegance, twerking shamelessly and screaming. Kids do the usual - run, yell, fall and cry - and they almost throw you on the ground twice. Someone spills champagne on the floor; you rush to clean it before someone ends up slipping. There’s the eventual noise of glass breaking. A certain dude has asked for your help far too much and you start to avoid him, noticing that he’s staring at your ass. Another guest pukes and is taken to the infirmary. As usual, you hear old women complaining about the food, how the decoration is ugly, how one waiter was rude, how the DJ doesn’t play the songs they want-

“The photographer is so hot! What’s his name?!” You hear someone giggling.

You gulp.

Jungkook is just doing his job, but that boy can’t go unnoticed, not even when he tries. You don’t know if he saw you yet, and honestly, you hope he didn’t.

Just do your job. Just do your job.

The night goes on. Your left foot hurts and you need to pee, but gladly most of the guests have already left - the groom and bride left first and the party went on without them -, the hall is almost empty, which means it’s almost ending. Now, you busy yourself with cleaning the hall.

“Man, I’m dead,” Hoseok groans, stretching his back. You nod, putting some empty glasses on a tray to take them back to the kitchen.

“Now imagine bearing it all in heels,” you say, not being able to keep your nice posture anymore. Not that there are many guests anyway - most are too drunk or sleeping on the tables. The DJ is still diligently playing, though. 

“The night was productive after all,” Jimin chirps happily, approaching you two with a smug  grin on his lips. You see he’s holding a small paper between his fingers… someone’s phone number.

“Son of a bitch,” you say under your breath. Jimin just shrugs and smirks. Much obviously, you apologized for your rudeness before you came. The fact that he forgave you so easily made everything worse, honestly. Jimin is a nice guy with his friends (way too nice for his own good sometimes) and it just shows how he doesn’t deserve to be treated in a rude way.

“I’m just taking the chances life gives me!” He chirps again, making you roll your eyes.

“Anyways, what’s wrong with Jungkook?” Hoseok wonders, crossing his arms and frowning. “He didn’t come over the entire night. Is he avoiding us?”

You gulp.

Instantly, your eyes travel to where he stands in the nearly-empty dance floor. He smiles politely to some women that stand around him. Everyone’s obviously too drunk and they’re probably talking nonsense.

He’s avoiding me, you realize sadly. 

“He’s working, Hoseok. His job won’t end if the guests keep asking for pictures.” Jimin is quick to say, what indeed makes sense, but Jimin also knows very well why he has been keeping his distance. Hoseok is the only one that doesn’t notice the strange tension in the air.

When you notice you’ve been staring for an embarrassing long time, you immediately shift your gaze to the dirty plates in front of you, organizing them in a pile to take them to the kitchen. You came here to work. That’s it. Focus-

An excited scream tears the air.

“I loooove this song!” One of the girls on the dance floor scream, the one that has been clinging on Jungkook ever since the crowd started to dissipate. Much obviously tipsy, her eyes were glued on him the entire night (not that you’ve been noticing the people checking him out. Of course not). “Jungkookie, dance with me!”

You almost gasp.

Jungkookie?!

That’s when you finally notice the face Jungkook is making - and you try your best not to laugh.

He has that look that means oh my fucking God someone please take me out of this situation.

The two boys by your side don’t try to hide the laughter as well as you, watching the desperate Jungkook try to turn her offer down - an awkward smile, eyes shifting from her, a muttered apology (I still have some work to do…) but the thirsty girl is surprisingly insistent (you can stop for a little bit, come on!).

“I feel sorry for him,” Hoseok almost chokes as he tries to stop his giggles. You kind of feel sorry, too. He can’t be rude to a customer, otherwise he’d be punched by her relatives - not that Jungkook would be rude anyway. He steps back, scratches the back of his neck. The girl is almost climbing him. He looks around desperately, trying to find a way to escape-

“Why don’t you help him, Y/N?” Jimin says sweetly.

You side eye the sugar-coated snake you call friend. “Jimin.” Is all you say in a warning manner.

Someone that doesn’t understand the situation wouldn’t think anything weird, because you’re actually used to save Jungkook from crazy girls. The thing is, sometimes he’s too nice to turn girls down - and yes, girls do chase him. When he’s not interested in them, you’d usually understand the situation and run on his rescue, most times pretending to be his girlfriend so the girls would stop bothering him. It’s something funny and you’d always laugh your asses off right after.

Not now.

You definitely don’t want to laugh now.

Jimin is being far from innocent. He just wants to push you two into each other. He may have good intentions, but he’s not considering the fact that you don’t feel ready to face Jungkook - not when your feelings are so messed up. This ain’t happening.

“Yeah, Y/N. Jungkook looks pretty desperate,” Hoseok remarks, again, oblivious to the tension lingering in the air.

“Jungkook can handle himself very well. He doesn’t need my help.” Even though Jimin feels your menacing glare and sees your jaw clench, this boy is very brave and insists:

“Come on, Y/N! It won’t hurt.” He says innocently.

Yes, it will hurt. It already hurts, dumbass.

“Did you guys forget that we’re here to work? I don’t want to be reprimanded.”

“The hall is near empty. There’s literally nothing to do anymore.” Hoseok doesn’t understand why you’re glaring at him now.

You’re trying to control your nerves, but it’s getting hard not to feel your stomach jump in a weird way and your fingertips tremble. Just the idea of approaching him makes you weak, and not in a good way. Why these people can’t just leave you alone?!

“Do you think that avoiding him forever will work?” Jimin hisses on your ear, low enough so only you can listen, finally showing how pissed he really is.

What he says gets you.

Avoiding each other isn’t working, you know this very well. You remember the way you used to deal with things in the past - talking. Sure, you won’t be able to really talk right now, but at least you’ll have a chance to approach him.

You don’t want to. You really don’t. But at the same time, you want to. You miss Jungkook. 

Besides, he can’t run away from you in this situation.

You take a deep breath and gulp, trying to ease the tension. Come on. I know Jungkook. He’s the same bastard I’ve known my whole life. Stop being a pussy. I’m not a pussy!

“Just to make clear,” you whisper back to Jimin. “I fucking hate you.”

“You love me.” You wish you could rip that triumphant smirk off his face.

You walk over to the dance floor.

The few couples dance slowly and intimately. Because of course it had to be a slow dance. Of course it had to be a romantic song. Haha. Of course. The Universe must be playing some trick on you. 

Jungkook managed to run away from the girl, trying to hide in the corner of the hall, and she’s searching for him like a hawk. You wonder if she’s this drunk or if she’s just stupid. A guy literally running away from you isn’t already a message enough?

You walk quickly to where he stands, and the moment Jungkook turns around and lays his eyes on you, shock covers his features.

“Y/N-?”

“Quick, dance with me,” you say hurriedly, placing his hands on your waist. “She’s coming.”

Instead of questioning, Jungkook immediately starts to play along as you place your own hands on his shoulders. You discreetly watch when the girl finally finds you.

She stops on her tracks.

“She saw us?” He asks without looking back.

“Yes.”

“And?”

You see fire in her eyes.

“If she had a gun, she’d probably shoot me.” The girl looks outraged that you stole her chance to grind on him. “Oh, she’s turning away.”

Jungkook sighs in relief. “Thanks God. She’s been bothering me all night!” You can’t help but giggle.

For a millisecond, it feels like nothing has changed.

But then you look at each other for the first time.

It might be dramatic, but you almost feel that the temperature drops around you.

Oh shit.

You avoid each other’s gazes at the same time. It feels so tremendously awkward to be in front of him again - especially when you’re slow dancing in the dim light of the hall, almost hidden. It feels uncomfortably intimate. Especially because you’re both keeping a distance that normal couples wouldn’t. You probably look like a weird couple at a prom party that were forced to dance together.

It feels foreign.

The way you touch each other doesn’t feel right. You have touched each other in the most intimate and obscene ways, yet the simple touch of his hands on your waist doesn’t feel right. Despite this, you feel your blood boiling with a strange type of excitement; you missed him so damn much. Even in this uncomfortable situation, you can’t help but feel a little bit happy. You didn’t know you’ve been craving for his touch so much up until now.

What’s weird is that you don’t even feel like this in a sexual way. You’re not aroused. Considering how your relationship became strictly sexual these past months, your lack of arousal to be around him is weird.

The butterflies in your stomach and the way your hands are shaking a little bit is also weird.

For some moments, you just sway from side to side in an overwhelming silence. You have no choice but to listen intently to the song being played. As if you already don’t feel fucked up enough, you’re forced to listen to a love song - an 80s love song on top of that. Of course it has to be Is This Love by Whitesnake. Of course. Haha.

“Uhm… thanks.” Jungkook finally breaks the silence. His voice lacks confidence. He probably never talked to you like this.

“Just helping out a friend,” you say and instant regret smashes you. You don’t know if he’s still your friend. 

Jungkook looks scarily annoyed for a second. “A friend. Sure.”

Is it inappropriate to notice how he looks handsome when he clenches his jaw?

Honestly, has Jungkook always been this handsome?

Sure, he has always been like this. Maybe not seeing him in a long time made you feel this way. His hair has grown a lot. He looks extra fine in this suit. Every man looks better in a suit, but Jungkook looks like a deity. 

The butterflies in your stomach are going crazy.

You did miss him a lot. 

The silence makes you pay attention to the song again.

Wasted days and sleepless nights

But I can’t wait to see you again…

Hah, I know how it feels, you think - what makes you widen your eyes, shocked with your own thoughts. No. You won’t suddenly relate to a cliche 80s love song. 

Right?

“H-How’s school going?” You stutter. Are you trying to do small talk? For real?

“It’s doing fine,” he simply says. Oh fuck. Not good. He sounds so uninterested in your weak attempt at engaging a conversation it hurts. You came here to try and talk about what really matters, but you don’t feel ready to do it yet. Can’t he understand it?!

It looks like your presence bothers him, honestly.

That’s new.

Wow. Your heart suddenly feels clenched.

Awkward.

Why am I feeling this way?

A heavy silence weighs on you again. This isn’t going as planned - not that you planned anything in the first place. You’re going through a lot of weird sensations now.

Why is that?

You look at Jungkook timidly (timid and Jungkook are two words that used to not make any sense together in the past), but he doesn’t look back. You avoid his gaze again.

Being hit by a truck would hurt less.

What’s happening?

Why are you so damn confused?

When the song hits its chorus, you start to think the Universe is definitely playing with you. The deep voice of the singer floats in the air:

Is this love 

That I’m feeling?

Is this the love

That I’ve been searching for?

Fuck you, Whitesnake. 

For real. 

Fuck. You.

“Did Taehyung ask you?”

This brings you back to reality in an instant.

“What?” You look at him, confused. Why is he talking about Taehyung of all people out of nowhere?

You’ve always been very good at reading Jungkook, but right now, he’s unreadable.

“So he didn’t.” He says blatantly, devoid of any emotion. “I thought he would have already.”

“What are you talking about?”

“He talked to me about a double date.” Jungkook replies, looking back at you for the first time - again, a blank face. “You and him, me and Joy.”

Your blood honestly feels like frost.

It’s like you lost the ability to move or talk for a moment. You blink and gulp, trying to keep composed.

“What? Why?”

“Because he said it’d be fun. And less awkward, since I’m not very close to Joy yet and you’re not very close to him.”

Again, you don’t say anything for long seconds.

“But we’d just be cockblocking each other during the whole date,” you say.

“I know. I think the idea of a double date sounds weird, too. It’s not as if we don’t know them.”

You remember what Taehyung texted you earlier today; he said he’d ask something later. Is he going to ask you out?

He thinks that, since you and Jungkook are best friends, you could ease the tension and even help each other out.

This is so fucked up.

The immediate answer that comes to your mind is no. You don’t want to go on a date with Taehyung when you’re not interested in him. It’d be cruel; you don’t want to keep his hopes high. 

But as you’re about to say it, you stop.

What if Jungkook wants to go?

All this time, you’ve only been considering your feelings. Your confusion, your wishes - it’s always about you. You don’t know if you want to be just Jungkook’s friend, but you don’t know if he wants to be more than a friend - or if he wants to be your friend at all. The fuck buddies thing started because you asked. Not even once did you think about him.

Is this what Jimin meant when he asked you to not play with Jungkook’s feelings?

How selfish you’ve been acting all this time?

What if he’s been developing feelings for Joy and now decided to try something? He’s probably feeling hurt because you’ve not been acting like a good friend. You’re always putting yourself first.

That’s why you hear yourself asking:

“Do you want to go?”

It’s scary how every tiny little piece of you wishes he’ll say no.

But Jungkook tilts his head and says:

“Yes. I know it sounds weird, but we can part ways as soon as we get there.”

And this is the moment you feel as cold as you’ve never felt in your life.

It’s as if your ears got obstructed for a moment, because you can’t hear anything but your heartbeat. You can’t even see properly for a second. Yet, you ignore all that, gulp and nod.

It’s time to be a good friend for once.

It’s time to put Jungkook’s wishes first - even though it crushes your heart.

“Okay.” You say quietly.

You’re coming to the conclusion that you’re a walking disaster.

You’ve never been so nervous before a date in your life - but this is not the usual type of nervousness, when people are excited to meet their crush and impress them etc etc. You’re nervous because you don’t want to go. You thought of coming up with a thousand excuses (from the classical “I’m sick :(” to “Seulgi’s sick I gotta take care of her :(” to “my cat’s sick :(” but then you remembered you don’t have a cat to “I’m being chased by the police and I gotta leave the country :(”), but in the end, you couldn’t bring yourself to lie.

Not when Taehyung sounded so painfully happy when you said you’d go.

That’s why you should have said no: Taehyung doesn’t deserve this. He’s a good person and he will certainly get hurt when you tell him you’re not interested. Who cares about Jungkook? That fucker can go on a date by himself, he’s not a kid anymore.

But…

There’s something very tiny and mean inside of you called jealousy that didn’t let you simply text an honest apology to Taehyung.

And now it’s too late, because he’s standing at your door.

Handsome as always, Taehyung wears casual clothes: it’s almost as if he didn’t put much thought on it, but he still looks drop dead gorgeous on his black baggy pants, white shirt and black beret (no other man in this planet can manage to not look stupid in a beret other than Taehyung). As usual, your brain malfunctions as it tries to process his beauty.

He has a small, beautiful smile on his lips.

Shit.

“You look beautiful,” he says, and he sounds like he means it. You did put some effort on your clothes, makeup and hair after all. Being complimented by him feels nice.

Shit.

“Thanks. You too, but that’s just your usual self,” you say thoughtlessly and instant regret slaps your face again. Yes, bitch. Flirt with him. Make things more difficult.

Taehyung looks shy for a moment. The sight is endearing.

S. H. I. T.

“You’re just being nice to me.” He tilts his head. “So, let’s go?" 

It’s too late to go back now, so you have no choice but to take his arm and show your most plastic smile. "Yeah.”

You’re definitely a walking disaster.

You two arrive in the park first and, instead of just showing your tickets and getting in, you’re forced to wait for the bastard and his hot date.

An amusement park of all places.

Not that you hate amusement parks, it’s pretty much the opposite. It’s just that everything feels so wrong. Especially how Taehyung is making a lot of effort to keep the conversation alive while you wait. It’s not hard to talk to him, though, because he’s an interesting person, but seeing his efforts hurts.

What hurts more is the sight of Jungkook and Joy arriving with locked arms.

You hope Taehyung didn’t notice you holding your breath.

Joy looks hot as always, but you don’t even look at her (yes, it’s not nice to be mad at someone that didn’t do anything wrong), eyes glued on Jungkook instead. Just like Taehyung, it seems that he didn’t put much thought on his clothes, only their styles are completely different: Jungkook wears an oversized grey t-shirt, black pants and sneakers. It might seem simple, but he can manage to look good in anything. Joy surely didn’t mind his choice of clothes.

You lock gazes for one second and proceed to avoid it.

The four of you greet. It’s hard to act natural, but you try to; you don’t want the two others to notice the weird tension between you and the black-haired bastard. Joy looks happy, too.

…

Shit.

Soon, you get into the amusement park. As expected, it’s crowded with kids, families and couples. The weather feels nice this afternoon.

“It’s been a long time since I don’t come to an amusement park,” you confess. 

“Really? Then this was a good choice. I was worried if it’d be too cheesy…” he also confesses sheepishly.

“It’s not!” You reassure him. Joy agrees with you. Jungkook keeps silent. “I just have some traumatizing memories about amusement parks.”

Taehyung quirks one eyebrow. “What?”

You sigh.

You and Jungkook end up saying in unison:

“5th grade.”

You look at each other and avoid your gazes again.

“What? What happened on 5th grade?” Joy asks excitedly.

“Our school came to an amusement park that year,” Jungkook explains.

“Why was it traumatizing?” Taehyung still seems confused.

“Because… well…” you hesitate to say.

“Because she was so short back then that they didn’t let her go on the rollercoasters. And she cried the whole trip,” Jungkook suddenly says.

You glare at him.

He has a playful smirk on his lips.

“Oh, so what about you?” You can’t help but smile, too.

“What happened to him?” Joy asks.

“He laughed at me because I couldn’t ride, but he puked his lunch after he went on the coaster and spent half of the trip in the infirmary,” you reveal. 

“You’re still bitter that you stayed with me in the infirmary?” He inquires.

“Of course I am! Also, you puked on my shoes!”

“I already apologized. Besides, I paid you banana milk for two entire weeks. Isn’t it enough?”

“It isn’t!”

“Are you saying that banana milk isn’t enough?!” He gasps. “You psycho.”

You both giggle.

Again, for one moment, it feels that everything is back to normal. You feel comfortable having these old memories, as if you never stopped being best friends, as if you have the intimacy to play like this again.

But it’s only for one moment.

You avoid gazes. It feels so out of place. 

At least the sadness in Jungkook’s eyes shows that he feels the same about this all.

Before the tension between you two can become too strong, you change the topic and engage both Taehyung and Joy in the conversation - during that moment, you two forgot about them. As wrong as it is, Taehyung is your date for the night. He’s the one you should pay attention to.

So you try to completely ignore Jungkook’s existence for a while.

You only look at Taehyung and don’t even touch your phone. You answer his questions and ask things about him. It doesn’t feel like a punishment, though, because he is an interesting person and you genuinely enjoy his company.

But you can’t help but look at Jungkook from time to time.

You can’t help but notice his smiley-eyes as he looks at her.  You can’t help but see their closure.

You can’t help but feel your heart clenching.

And then, you see yourself locking your arm with Taehyung’s.

“What’s that?” You say excitedly. “I wanna see it!”

You drag Taehyung away from the other couple until they disappear in the crowd. Only then you remember how to breathe again.

Considering all the odds, this going better than you expected.

You tried your best to completely erase Jungkook’s and Joy’s existence from your mind, and at some point it finally worked. Taehyung is a funny guy to be around. There’s something very particular and endearing about his personality that captivates you; he’s obviously trying to impress you, but he’s still being very honest. He has some type of innocence that makes you realize that this guy is seriously one of a kind. You can’t think of a single sign that he might be a bad person.

You’re genuinely enjoy this.

But not in the way Taehyung expects you to be enjoying it. 

As wrong as it is, you unconsciously end up comparing him to Jungkook. 

If Jungkook was your date, the first thing you’d both want to do is try all the rollercoasters and the wildest rides in this park. But Taehyung is scared of heights. You didn’t want to make the boy vomit his own stomach, so you ended up avoiding it - even though you really wanted to go on that orange coaster that looks high as fuck.

Taehyung didn’t really get your jokes. The fact that he still laughed politely is cute, but still - Jungkook and you have the same sense of humor. You two like the same stupid type of meme. It felt strange when you had to explain more than once a certain joke so Taehyung could understand. 

Taehyung didn’t know your favorite ice cream flavor or your favorite soda. He doesn’t know the kind of movie you like, nor your favorite series, nor your favorite singers. You know you’re being stupid - the whole point of going on a date is to get to know each other, but every now and then you end up remembering how Jungkook knows every dumb detail about you…

What makes you realize that, as much as Taehyung is an amazing guy, you are too different from each other. 

What also makes you realize that, maybe… you don’t really want to get to know anyone else.

And suddenly, an image starts to build in your mind - an image you try very hard to erase, but it’s already too strong to be forgotten.

Instead of Taehyung, you arm is locked with Jungkook’s. You’re both laughing and having fun, just like things used to be. Only now you’re not just friends. 

It’s the first time in all these years that you see yourself dating Jungkook clearly. Painfully clearly.

The cotton candy you’re eating suddenly tastes like iron on your tongue. You feel your throat tightening. All of this became painful. The fact that you’re trying so hard to forget Jungkook for a few minutes, yet he’s everything you can think of. The fact that he’s in the same park as you having a date with another girl - said girl that is a friend, by the way, someone you encouraged to be with Jungkook, and now you’re hating her existence even though she did nothing wrong, all because of jealousy. There’s also the fact that Jungkook is much obviously avoiding you.

And the most painful fact of all-

“Are you okay, YN?” Taehyung asks, the smile vanishing from his lips the moment he sees your expression. 

The fact that this incredible person likes you much more than you expected. It’s obvious now that you look at his eyes. He really likes you - a funny, smart and special guy, someone that didn’t check his phone not even once ever since this date started, someone that has been trying his hardest to make sure you’re having fun, a guy that is usually very confident, but at the moment looks very uneasy around you.

He’s the perfect guy. He wasn’t disrespectful, wasn’t trying to get into your pants, treated you very well. You went on dates that were far worse than this. There was nothing wrong with him. You’re also sure he’d be a loving and caring boyfriend.

But all you can think of is Jungkook. 

And even though you knew this date wouldn’t work, you still accepted to come anyway. You kept Taehyung’s hopes high. Just because you were jealous.

You’re definitely the worst person on this planet.

But this has to end before Taehyung gets more hurt.

“I’m not feeling very well,” you hear yourself saying. Worry covers Taehyung’s features. “What’s the problem? Was it something you ate? Do you want to go to the infirmary?”

Damn. It hurts to see him like this.

“No. Can you… can you just take me home, please?” You ask sheepishly. 

If Taehyung feels disappointed, he doesn’t let you see; he just nods instead. “Okay. Let’s go.”

And this is how you managed to destroy a perfectly fine night.

You still try not to think of Jungkook and Joy on your way back home; you don’t want to know if they’re still in the park or if they went somewhere else. The idea of what they must be doing makes your stomach twirl in a bad way. It feels like a weight installed itself on your shoulders. Everything seems too oppressive and suffocating. You can’t wait to be alone and peaceful to process all of these feelings. Fortunately, Seulgi isn’t home - she went to sleep at a friend’s house to finish a project. 

For the first time, being with Taehyung feels awkward as you walk to the front door of your apartment. You can see he isn’t exactly glad. It makes everything worse.

You stop in front of the door and you turn around to face him. Everything you have to say must be said now.

“I’m so sorry, Taehyung.” You say in an embarrassed tone, scratching the back of your neck. “I ruined everything.”

“What? No!” He’s quick to reassure. God, his eyes are beautiful… “It’s not your fault. People feel ill, that’s normal.”

You gulp. Oh Gosh. He believed what you said. This is getting worse and worse… “I had a lot of fun today. Really.” You sigh and tilt your head tiredly. “Honestly, it was the most fun I had in a long time…”

“I had a lot of fun, too.” His smile is able to melt any frozen heart. “I noticed that you had a lot in mind, so I’m glad I was able to distract you at least a little.”

It gets you off guard. 

He’s way more observant than you expected.

“You noticed…?” You gulp, even more embarrassed. He nods. “I’m so sorry…”

“It’s fine. Everyone has a bad day every now and then. I just have to admit that I’m kind of worried about you.”

You stare at each other in silence for a while.

“Are you?” Why suddenly all you can do is make stupid questions?

Taehyung tilts his head. “Yes. You’re always such a bright person. Seeing you being quiet these days makes me sad.” First of all: did people start to realize that there’s something wrong with you? Are you acting this weird?

Second of all: that was adorable. He’s so honest about his feelings.

“To be honest, Taehyung… I’m not really a bright person,” you end up confessing in a quiet, weak voice. You don’t know why you’re saying this. You were supposed to push him away, not pull him closer. “I think I’m just used to pretend I am.”

“You don’t have to,” your eyes widen when you feel his fingertips brushing on your cheek as he gently tucks a strand of hair behind your ear. “You don’t have to pretend you’re fine when you’re not. To suppress this type of feeling… it hurts. Believe me, I know.” For a moment, you feel your breath hitch. The skin where  his fingers touched feels warm. He’s mesmerizing. His voice sounds like a sweet melody on your ears: deep, silky. “So, if you ever feel like opening up… I’m here, okay?” He widens his eyes for a second. “I-I mean- you can open up to Seulgi or Jungkook or Jimin, sure… anyone.”

This moment of shyness coming from him makes you giggle. “I don’t feel like opening up to anyone right now,” especially not to you, you think. “but thank you, Tae. It… it makes me really happy. I’m glad I went on this date with you.”

You shouldn’t have said that.

You shouldn’t have called him Tae.

Even though you’re saying the truth and there’s no second intentions hidden, Taehyung hears something else. 

His hand is still resting on your cheek.

And he says nothing.

He just… stares right into your eyes.

You can’t move.

You clearly see when his face starts coming closer and closer to yours, slowly but surely. You see his heavy-lidded eyes, his clouded gaze, his parted lips. You feel the thick tension in the air around you - the electricity. 

That’s when you should have pushed him away.

But you can’t.

Instead, you unconsciously close your eyes. You feel his lips ghosting over yours for a second - until his lips finally touch yours.

The kiss is suave - gentle and delicate. He doesn’t move his lips at first, merely pressing his against yours. Your body warms up in a way you haven’t felt in a long time; not because of arousal. It’s the pure excitement of being kissed.

Maybe that’s why you let him kiss you. You had forgotten how it feels like to be touched without any sexual intention. Kisses are too intimate, so you and Jungkook didn’t really kiss that often - and when you did kiss, it was always heated and obscene, tongues entangling wildly until both of you could barely breathe. It’s been a long time since someone kissed and held you like this: with gentleness and care. Taehyung isn’t treating you like a sex toy.

You melt.

Your lips part as he deepens the kiss; he is undemanding, careful and delicate. His lips taste like lip balm. No one is fighting for control, no one is desperate. It’s slow and synchronized. It’s sweet and innocent. Most importantly - it’s way different than you ever expected it to be. You never thought he’d kiss like this.

When Taehyung pulls away, the purest smile adorns his features.

“I’m sorry.” He says quietly, but he doesn’t sound sorry at all. “I should have asked permission.”

“It’s okay.” And it really is. You shouldn’t, but you liked it. 

“I'll… I’ll get going.” He says, the smile never disappearing. His eyes are also smiling. He stands there awkwardly in an adorable manner. “Can I text you later?”

“Sure.” You nod. “Good night. And thank you again.”

Taehyung grins. “Good night.”

Before leaving, he presses his lips on yours quickly one last time. 

You watch until he disappears inside the elevator, entering the apartment and standing there alone in the dark for a few seconds.

Then you unceremoniously slam your forehead against the wooden door.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” You hiss between gritted teeth. “What have you done?!”

You were supposed to push him away. You should have told him the truth - that you don’t have feelings for him, that you’re confused and almost certainly in love with another guy. Instead, you just stood there and let him kiss you. You not only kept his hopes high, you increased them.

How will you get yourself out of this situation now?!

You throw yourself on the couch, grab a cushion and scream into it. I’m the worst of the worst. I’m a walking catastrophe. 

For a long time, you just lay there and torture yourself with bad thoughts. Taehyung is the nicest guy you’ve met in a really long time. If you gave him the opportunity months ago, you’re sure you’d be dating right now - and the idea isn’t even unpleasant. He’s hot and smart and funny and sweet. It’s even hard to believe that someone like him is interested in you.

But…

No. Don’t think about him.

You want to punch yourself and scream and eat tons of ice cream and cry - all at once. You’re the queen of taking bad decisions. You’re the heart crusher and friendship destroyer-

There’s someone knocking on the front door.

You sit up in a jump and frown. Is it Seulgi? Did she forget her keys?

You walk slowly around the living room, defeated as if you’ve just came home from war, your hair a mess and shoulders shrinking. You turn the doorknob and open it-

And gasp.

Because standing at your front door is the person you least expected to see.

Jungkook is casually leaning on the door frame as if his presence didn’t make you burst a lung. He looks down, eyes avoiding yours; although the hallway is considerably dark, you can see his expression well. You know him too well. You see sadness and guilt and fear in his eyes.

Your heart beats so fast that you’re afraid it’ll stop suddenly. Nervousness crawls over your skin and makes your stomach feel cold.

“J-Jungkook? What are you doing here?” You’re brave enough to stutter. You completely forgot that Jungkook used to come over so often that you gave him full permission to enter and leave the building whenever he wanted.

He doesn’t say anything.

Instead, he lifts his left hand and shows you what he’s carrying: a plastic bag full with a pack of…

Banana milk.

“I think we really need to talk.” He says quietly, his eyes meeting yours for the first time.

You inhale sharply.

He’s right. You need to talk.

The cold night breeze makes you tighten your coat around your body. Yours and Jungkook’s hairs sway softly with the wind. You can hear the sounds of the city from up here, in the empty terrace - cars, sirens, voices. A glowing map of endless streets and buildings extends itself in front of your eyes.

You’re both leaning on the railing side by side. You’re hyper aware of the distance between you - both physical and… spiritual. You’ve been standing here in silence for quite some time now, quietly drinking the banana milk he brought, and none of you were able to engage a conversation. The tension is heavy. It overwhelms your whole being. Nervousness makes your nerves tense. You can’t even look at him.

Dozens of questions float around your mind; what is he doing here? Why did he decide to come in the first place? What happened to his date? It’s still very early, he could have stayed with her much longer…

You also can’t help but feel helplessly excited that he is here. With you. Not with Joy. He took the initiative to meet you. 

You can’t lose this opportunity.

“It’s kinda cold.” Is the first thing you say. It doesn’t even sound like you.

“Yeah.” He agrees, and he also doesn’t sound like him.

The awkwardness is almost solid right now. Things used to be so different… you can’t remember one moment in the past when such an uncomfortable feeling lingered between you. 

“Hm…” you cough. “What, hm… what about you and Joy?”

Why the fuck are you asking this?, you yell at yourself.

Jungkook looks down and shakes his head. “Let’s not talk about Joy or Taehyung right now, okay?”

You shrug. “I’m just trying to start a conversation.”

“That’s not how you do it.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t know how to do it anymore.”

Jungkook goes silent with this, the quick aggressiveness disappearing as soon as it came. He gulps and looks down at the banana milk between his fingers again. 

More silence.

“Can I… can I ask you something?” Jungkook says after a long while. His voice is quiet, hesitant, almost being carried away with the wind.

“What?” You feel your body heating up in anticipation. 

He finally looks up to you, and in the moment your eyes meet, you have this weird feeling that everything except him looks blurred.

“Why did you start dating Mike?” He asks. “I warned you about him. I mean, you used to listen to me in the past.”

Oh.

Certainly not the type of question you were expecting.

What a mood killer, Jungkook.

You avoid his gaze again, trying to hide your disappointment. “Why are you asking me this now?”

“I just really want to know.” He takes one more sip of the banana milk.

A sigh escapes through your lips and you stare at the shiny city ahead. You didn’t think you’d have to bring up memories of Mike. It’s been a long time, but it still hurts to remember him.

“I… I just…” you start, trying to organize your thoughts. “You know that Mike had like a… bad relationship with his parents, right?” Jungkook nods. “Mike opened up about this to me. I saw how much it hurt him. He was lonely, broken. And I…” this is being way harder than you expected. You shrug, shake your head. “I don’t know. I was just being my stupid self. I thought I could… I wanted to fix him. I realized that I have this heroine complex, you know?” You side eye him sheepishly. “But there are a lot of things I can’t fix… I’m better at breaking things, not fixing them.”

“Don’t say that. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to help people.” The confidence in which Jungkook says this makes, yet again, an odd sensation set in your stomach. 

It is probably the first time Jungkook managed to make you blush in your entire life.

A little more silence.

“Did you actually like him?” You can barely hear his voice.

You have no idea why he’s making this questions. Why is he bringing up Mike after so long?

“Well… yes.” You can’t lie right now. “I did.” You make sure to reinforce the did. It’s in the past.

Jungkook nods and says nothing. He takes another banana milk from the plastic bag and opens it.

You inhale, building up your courage to ask something you’ve been wanting to know for a long time. He touched this subject anyway.

“You asked me something, now it’s my turn to ask you something.” Jungkook nods. You have the feeling that he already knows what’s coming. “Why did you break up with Yeri?”

“She broke up with me.”

Oh.

“Why?” You repeat. You can see that Jungkook gets clearly uncomfortable, but you’re not letting him go without an answer - and he already knows how stubborn you can be, too. He shifts, tilts his head, exhales heavily.

“It just didn’t work out.”

“But you liked her. And she liked you, too.” It was pretty obvious to anyone that saw them together. 

Jungkook takes a long while to speak again. “I did like her. A lot.” The way his voice sounds fragile surprises you. Seeing him like this is very rare. Jungkook isn’t one to get all emotional too often. It seems that confessing this to you is important to him, somehow.

It also scares you a tiny bit. What if Jungkook still likes her, just like you suspected in the past?

“I didn’t want things to end the way they did.” He continues. His eyes are far away, watching old memories. His shoulders seem tense. He fiddles with the small banana milk bottle between his fingers. “But… some things aren’t meant to be, it doesn’t matter how much you want them to.”

This answer sounds… way too vague. Not what you want to hear. You know there’s more behind their break up, but just by looking at Jungkook you see that he isn’t telling you anything else. Well, this is the most he ever said about his past relationship in almost one year. It’s better than nothing.

And back to silence.

You want to push this awkwardness away. But how? You don’t feel as close to Jungkook as you always were. It’s not as if you could simply say anything in this moment… especially because, somehow, you feel that Jungkook expects you to do something, even though he came all the way to your apartment just to talk.

Say something, goddamnit!

“I’m sorry.” you blurt out.

Jungkook looks at you, but you’re not strong enough to look back at him. You hold the tiny bottle so tightly that it might get smashed at any moment; that’s just how nervous you are.

“Sorry for what?” he asks quietly. You hear the expectation in his voice… almost as if he’s holding his breath.

You can’t help but gulp. I’m not good with this type of thing. 

“For everything.” you hate the way your voice sounds so damn fragile. Being sincere like this is somehow… painful. But that’s what Jungkook expects of you: sincerity. So you keep talking, although you don’t know the right words to express yourself. “I… I don’t know why things got like this between us…” you almost gasp. “I mean, I know why. We know why. And I feel very responsible.”

“You have this habit of taking the blame to yourself, isn’t it?” He murmurs. Jungkook shakes his head softly and passes his hand on his hair.

“But I was the one to propose it in the first place.”

“And I agreed.”

“Okay, but…” you have to stop for a moment to recover your breath. “I don’t know, I just feel sorry. I didn’t think of anyone except me all along. I’ve been an awful person to you… and awful friend. Also…” you need to stop again. Why is it so hard to speak? It feels as if there’s something obstructing your throat; the words hardly come out. “What I did that day at Joy’s house… it was wrong. I’m sorry that I made you upset that day.”

Jungkook sighs heavily. You’re still scared to look at him. 

“I’m sorry about that day, too. I was rude to you.” Is he apologizing for calling you a slut while you had sex in the bathroom? Well, you definitely didn’t care about that. “I feel sorry too, Y/N. The way we drifted apart from each other…” he gesticulates with his finger between you and him. “The fault is on us both. I already told you, you shouldn’t take all the responsibility to yourself. We were both stupid.”

“Very stupid.” you both chuckle. You feel your heart lightening up for a moment; that strong tension still hovers around you, but now it feels like a different type of tension. Seeing that tiny smile in Jungkook’s lips makes your heart race. 

You finally look at each other.

The shadows of the night paint Jungkook’s face. His hair sways with the wind softly. His dark eyes shine as much as diamonds. You never really understood the expression “to get lost in someone’s eyes…” 

Well… now you do.

The small moment you two share feels fragile… featherlight. You’re scared that if you say or do something wrong, it’ll break and disappear. You’re scared to break him. To break yourself. This makes you remember that, ever since you were kids, Jungkook has always been the most fragile of you two. He has always been the most sensitive, the one to get hurt easily. Jimin was right all along. How could you do this to him? Why did you let this happen between you two? 

“I missed you.” your voice is barely a whisper. Admitting this makes you feel exposed and relieved at the same time. Your throat feels even tighter.

“I missed you, too.” he confesses. 

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too.”

You smile at each other.

That’s the moment you almost confess something more… your confused feelings for him. You feel the urge to say that you don’t see him as just a friend anymore; that you don’t want to be just a friend anymore.

But something holds you back.

This is maybe the moment when you’re finally being able to reconcile. You don’t know if Jungkook feels the same about you; you don’t want to push him away by throwing your feelings over him. This might destroy you friendship forever.

Then, you decide to keep it all to yourself. At least for now.

“So,” Jungkook says, sighing. “What about that group project?”

You quirk one eyebrow up. “I’m pretty sure you know about the group project.”

Jungkook giggles. “Jimin has been annoying you, too?” you nod. He shakes his head. “He’s a little shit, isn’t he?”

“Yes. He had good intentions, at least.” You shrug. 

“He could be a little more subtle, though.” You can’t help but agree. “Congratulations for getting the highest grade.”

“Thank you. Jimin also told me that you’ve been talking to some important people…”

Jungkook smiles beautifully with this. “Yes. It’s a director. He said that he likes my work and that I have talent. I think he’ll invite me to work with him as a trainee for a while.” Your eyes widen in a surprised expression.

“Really?! That’s great, Kook!” It feels so nice to call him Kook again after so long. Slowly, you feel that unbearable tension vanishing and all that’s left is you and him. Two people that know each other better than you know yourselves for most of your lives. In a matter of seconds, the distance that put you apart for months seems to disappear. 

Suddenly, you feel a cold drizzle start falling over your heads. Jungkook frowns. “I think we should get down there.”

“Yes.” Before you can think better, you blurt out: “You can sleep here if you want.” Perhaps you shouldn’t have said that, because Jungkook’s frown deepens as he stares at you with suspicion. A shiver of fear runs down your spine. “Hey, that’s not what I mean.” You’re quick to say, waving your hands. “Before this sex thing started there was just us, remember? I… I miss us.”

Jungkook thinks for some moments, his eyes never leaving yours. 

Then, a tiny smile makes its way to his lips - and you’re happy to see that the smile reaches his eyes, too. “Okay.”

“Wait- so Irene and Jennie made up?” Jungkook asks from the kitchen, surprised.

“That’s what it looks like. I mean, they did post some photos together on Instagram.” you say while adjusting the pillows and blankets on the mattress you placed in the living room. Yours’ and Seulgi’s friends come to sleep over a lot, so you’re used to do it - you even bought some spare sheets and blankets for this occasion. 

“But you can’t be sure that they are together just because of some photos.”

“Yeah, but you know Seulgi. She jumped to conclusions. Being honest, they don’t look like a couple in these photos… but I don’t think there’s anything I can say that will change her mind at this point. I tried everything.”

“I don’t really think that they’ll make up this time.” Jungkook admits. You walk over to the kitchen and lean on the counter, opposite to him.

“I feel bad for her. Seulgi still loves Irene and she can’t get over it. I think it’s the first time she spends the night out in a long while… and it isn’t even to have fun. I’m worried.”

He pouts and shrugs, eyes focused in building up his sandwich. “Maybe we should just let her figure things out by herself.”

“But she’s doing nothing.”

Jungkook stops adding ketchup just to stare at you and quirk his eyebrows. “Y/N. I think I already said that you should stop trying to be a cupid, like… a million times.”

“I didn’t say I’d do something!” You do your best to sound offended. 

“I know you, woman. I’ve seen this face many times. You look like an evil gremlin.” 

“I don’t!” you cross your arms. You forgot how annoying it is that Jungkook knows you so well, because you did think of doing something to help her. You’re so tired of seeing you friend being sad all the time. All she does these days is watch Netflix and complain. She already started to look like a zombie at this point. No one can blame you for being concerned. “Besides, gremlins are cute.”

“You’re the only person on this planet that thinks this.” He shakes his head slightly, his hair waving in the process.

“Why did you let your hair grow so much?” You ask, resting your chin over your palm. 

“Because I look good with long hair.” Jungkook shrugs, a smug smirk on his face. 

“You cocky little shit.”

“Am I wrong for telling the truth?” He looks up at you again, playful. You can’t even tell he’s wrong: that long hair really matches his looks and personality. 

“Hey, are you still helping Namjoon and Yoongi?” you ask when Jungkook starts to make a fourth sandwich. Yes, you guys do eat a lot.

“Yeah. I haven’t been to the studio in a few days, but they still call me whenever they need me.” Jungkook presses his lips together and shifts a little: nervousness. “I… I kind of helped them write a song.”

“Really? But you said you were just ‘lending’ them your voice to record demos.” 

“Yeah, but I felt kind of inspired. It was just for fun, though.” He shifts his eyes to you then back to the sandwich very rapidly. “Maybe I’ll let you listen to it any other day.”

“Aw, come on! I’ve been wanting to listen to your songs for so long!” you whine.

“I said maybe. When the right time comes.”

You don’t really get what he means with it.

For a while, you just sit there and watch Jungkook. He looks so carefree and relaxed; he moves around the kitchen as if it’s his own house. He knows where everything is in the cabinets. In a way, this really is his second house considering how often he comes… even when he used to come just to fuck during these past months. It feels so nice to see him not being all tensed up and uncomfortable around you anymore. He even starts to sing quietly, his voice as sweet and smooth as cotton candy filling up the entire house.  You’re one of the few people that Jungkook feels confident enough to sing around. It’s almost a privilege.

You have been staring at him unceremoniously for so long that Jungkook frowns and looks back at you, frowning. “What?”

“Nothing.” You shake your head. “It’s just that… Namjoon is right. You could’ve been famous with this voice.” Jungkook smiles shyly. “And this face.” He turns around to open the fridge. “And this ass.”

He frowns. “Seriously?”

“What? I’m being honest. And don’t act like you don’t stare at my ass all the time.”

Jungkook chuckles and shakes his head in that way that means I can’t stand you.

“Done.” He claps his hands together. Four giant sandwiches, coke, popcorn and m&ms (let’s say that you and Seulgi don’t have exactly the healthier type of food at home). 

“Okay. I’ll take these, get changed first if you want,” you say while taking the plates to the living room. Of course there would be some of his clothes at your place.

When Jungkook sees the clothes you chose, he stares at you with an outraged expression. “My grey hoodie!”

“…yes.”

“You said you didn’t know where it was!”

You stop and click your tongue. “…funny how I found it at the bottom of my drawer tonight, huh?”

He knows you’re lying. But you won’t tell him that slept wearing his hoodie some nights because it smelled like him. He doesn’t need to know this.

“Hoodie thief.” He says and taps your head jokingly, making his way to the bathroom. You’re wearing sleeping clothes as well - and you made sure to choose your ugliest and largest ones. You don’t want Jungkook to think you asked him to sleep here just to end up having sex. 

He comes back and throws himself on the mattress by your side. You’re very aware of the immense space between you; another person could fit in here. “What are we going to watch?”

“I think I’ve watched the entire Netflix catalogue at this point because of Seulgi.” you admit, shoving popcorn inside your mouth. Jungkook takes your phone and scrolls down the Netflix page. 

“There’s always something more to watch.”

You end up arguing about what movie to watch. Actually, you spend more time arguing and scrolling down through the Netflix endless catalogue than watching something. 

You don’t touch each other not even once. The physical distance almost feels like a living being.

You end up giving up on Netflix and watching Avengers Endgame for the hundredth time anyway.

And yes - Jungkook cries at the ending of the film.

You wake up with the sunlight touching your face.

It’s awful. You close your eyes tightly and yawn, a little bit confused at first. What am I doing in the living room? You search for your phone to check the hour: it’s seven in the morning. Shit. Whenever you can sleep until late hours, you end up waking up early…

You turn your head to the side and freeze.

It’s Jungkook.

Now you remember everything. The TV is still on, which means both of you fell asleep while watching it. The empty plates and glasses are placed over the coffee table. 

You never slept together before.

There was only one time when it happened - the first and only, when you two got wasted and the whole story started. Other than that, you never slept together. First, because you had more interesting things to do other than sleep. Second, because sleeping together feels way too intimate. It didn’t matter how tired you were after fucking, when you finished cleaning up, you’d both put your clothes back on and walk back to your respective homes. You vehemently avoided doing anything that might feel too intimate - kissing, sleeping together… after a while, you even avoided looking at each other right in the eye while having sex. 

You’re not touching; there is still a great space between your bodies. Yet… just the thought that you slept with Jungkook makes your heart race.

You don’t move a single centimeter. You just lay there and… look at him.

His long hair is a mess. His face is adorably puffy, lips slightly parted. He looks peaceful. The way his chest moves up and down as he breathes is hypnotizing. 

He’s seriously so beautiful.

But now, you don’t think of it in a sexual way. Back then, you’d always admire how hot Jungkook is, his godlike physique, how lucky you were to be having sex with a guy like him… not now. You just feel mesmerized by his features. The long eyelashes touching his cheeks. The tiny moles on his face and neck. Some old acne scars. 

It’s odd, but right now, you realize just how much you’ve been missing him. It doesn’t make sense - Jungkook is right here, barely an arm apart from you. You made up last night and it seems that everything is back to normal. Still, you desperately miss him. 

Your chest fills up with something strange and unknown. It’s sweet and painful. It makes your heart feel tight, your nerves feel like burning and your eyes well up with tears. 

This is the face of the person that has been with you during most of your life. 

He’s a part of you.

The most important part of you.

In this moment, your feelings for him are so great that it seems that they can’t even fit inside of you anymore.

You watch him sleep for a long time, too scared to move and wake him up. But eventually, he sighs heavily and moves his head, indicating he’s about to wake up.

His eyes finally open and he yawns.

“Good morning.” He says when his eyes focus on you, smiling softly. Jungkook’s voice sounds deep and raspy. He stretches his arms over his head. “I mean… if it’s still morning.”

“It is,” you say softly.

He stares at the ceiling with heavy-lidded eyes. “I dreamed that babies came from eggs. Like ostrich eggs.” He chuckles. “And women gave birth to the eggs like chickens.”

You don’t say anything and just keep watching him instead.

Jungkook finally turns his head at you and frowns, still smiling softly. “What?”

“Nothing.” You say so quietly that he can barely hear.

He gazes back at you.

Slowly, the smile on his lips disappears.

You feel the tension building up around you - but this time it feels different. It’s not a bad tension like what you experienced last night at the terrace, nor is it dense like when you two were aroused and desperate to find a place and please yourselves. This time, it feels delicate but heavy nevertheless. It makes your blood boil and your heart race.

Jungkook’s eyes are serious, heavy and intense over you. All the playfulness is gone. None of you say a word. You don’t even know if you have the power to move considering how heavy the tension is.

He extends his arm and his fingertips touch your cheek. Your skin feels burning hot. Delicately, he puts a strand of hair behind your ear. It’s strange how he’s doing the exact same thing Taehyung did, but with Jungkook, this simple touch made you feel like exploding right there. 

Jungkook is the one to come closer. Closer and closer and closer. Your breathing is heavy. He caresses your cheek his his thumb. Soon, his face is right in front of yours - noses touching, eyes locked and burning with something you can’t quite name.

You stare at each other like this for a moment until his gaze finally drops to your mouth.

You both lean in for the kiss at the same time.

You have already tasted these lips multiple times before - but now, it’s different. The kiss is slow; you move your lips unhurriedly and sweetly. Yet, this kiss feels much more intense than any other you have shared before. None of those times when you kissed him desperately with luxury being the only thing on your mind comes even close to the intensity of this kiss.

It almost feels that this is the actual first time you kiss Jungkook.

Your breathing gets even heavier as the kiss deepens. His hand rests on your waist, while yours hold his neck. The sloppy sounds of your lips and tongues moving together are the only audible thing in the apartment. Your whole being screams in excitement and anticipation when Jungkook moves his body to hover over yours, not even once breaking the kiss. Your right hand grabs his smooth hair while the other travels up and down his back; your body is getting burning hot. Jungkook moans very softly. You start to feel the familiar wetness on your panties.

Jungkook leans away for a moment; his lips are red and swollen, his hair is even messier now, his dark eyes are clouded with want and something you can’t name - something so strong that he’s able to make you shiver with that look alone. He leans down again and starts to kiss and suck your neck very slowly, making soft moans escape through your lips. His hand sneaks under your baggy shirt and he squeezes your breast. Soon, his lips are on yours again and the kiss becomes much deeper. You can already feel sweat forming on your forehead. Jungkook starts to grind on you; you can clearly feel his clothed erection rub against your own core, what makes more and more strangled moans come from both of you.

This is the hottest make out session of your life. The entire atmosphere is not what you’re used to; it’s not playful, none of you say a word. No teasing, no dirty talk. All you do is try to touch each other the best you can, never once breaking the kiss. It’s as if, with this kiss, you’re having a conversation… you’re telling each other everything you’re not brave enough to say out loud.

Soon, the desperation becomes too big. There’s no time to play, you just want to have him inside of you and feel his warm skin against yours. Unceremoniously, you start to undress yourselves, kissing every spot you can find in the process - neck, chest, stomach. Your clothes are thrown around the living room. You lay on your back again and Jungkook hovers above you once more, your legs entangling around his hips as he positions his hard member on your entrance.

You always avoided this position because it is too intimate; you’re forced to look at each other like this. This time, though, it doesn’t matter. You want to look at him - and the sight of his face contorting in pure pleasure, lips parted and eyes closed tightly as he eases himself inside of you, is almost as good as the feeling of being stretched after a long time.

Jungkook doesn’t move at first. He knows he’ll hurt you if he goes too hard right from the beginning. Instead, he waits until you call his name quietly in a strangled moan - the sign he needs to start thrusting. He rests his head on your shoulder and grabs the pillow under your head tightly as he picks up his pace, slow and steady, soft groans coming from the back of his throat that make you feel goosebumps. You hold his back with both hands. You can’t shut the moans anymore.

Sweat makes your skin slippery as he thrusts faster. Jungkook licks and bites your ear, moaning right into it, and it feels that this alone could make you cum. He then leans away for a moment, creating some space between your bodies to have a better angle to keep smashing himself into you - faster and faster, stronger and stronger. The usual sound of skin hitting skin, heavy breathing and moans is all you can hear. 

You said that you didn’t ask him to sleep here just to have sex - and you weren’t lying.

But this doesn’t feel like just sex.

This isn’t fucking.

The pleasure is getting unsustainable and you both feel it. You close your legs around him even tighter and pull his face with both hands, sealing your lips in another intense, desperate kiss. It’s sloppy and unsynchronized. It’s raw and rough and so full of emotions you can’t comprehend that you feel your eyes tearing up again.

What you’re experiencing right now isn’t just two people finding pleasure in each other. It isn’t simply carnal instinct. 

It is the deepest and most sincere way to connect with another being - without any words, through touches only.

You never felt anything like this in your life - not with Mike or any of your past boyfriends and hook ups. This is beyond lust. This is beyond sex.

Jungkook breaks the kiss apart for a second  to look at you. Your gazes lock. God, he’s beautiful. Not only his appearance, but everything about him is beautiful.

And it is right now - stating deep into his eyes - that you come to a conclusion.

Jungkook has always been a part of you. But, in this exact moment, it feels like more.

It feels that you two became one.

He leans down and kisses you again. Your lips are tightly sealed when you both come at the same time.

Your trembling fingers still hold the strands of his damp hair tightly. You caress his face softly, putting some hair away from his eyes. Jungkook kisses you again. And again, and again, and again, and again.

You’re glad when he rests his head on your shoulder again, because like this, he can’t see the tears trickling down your temples.

It’s still hard to understand what just happened. Honestly, you think you’ll never fully understand.

But one thing you do understand, one thing that became as clear as the morning sky, is that your feelings for Jungkook are deeper and stronger than you ever imagined. He’s so much more than a friend.

Yet, you don’t know if he sees you the same way.

You don’t know if he felt the same things you did or if this was just one more time having sex with you. You don’t know if he still has feelings for Yeri or if he’s developing any for Joy.

You know nothing - and this fact makes your heart hurt as if it is being stabbed…

Because Jungkook, the best and most important part of you, might never be truly yours.

[henrysblake]

definitive dragon series ranking based on what i can half remember from books i read aged 8 to 12:

1. Eragon, obviously. FORMATIVE MEDIA. my favourite pastime aged 10ish was coming up with eragon OCs. i spent hours drawing dragons based off the book covers. Obsessed.

2. Last Dragon Chronicals. This series has Everything: squirrels, dragons, arctic expeditions, a dissapearing house!? and whats that, is it a coherent continuation of the series that will wrap everything up nicely soon enough? NO! its an alternate universe where everything is even more batshit and there are apostrophes everywhere! Probably read these before Eragon if im being honest, and fully didn’t have a clue what was happening for the entire series. Who was the target audience for these. 10/10.

3. dragon riders. listen i dont remember much about this one but i do remember loving it. books that make you go ‘oh my god i wish dragons were real so so so bad’

4. how to train your dragon. Ok im not actually ranking these at this point and i only read the first an maybe second of these (very good, i think). Special shout out to the films and more specifically the tv series Race to the Edge which bridges the first and second films and is genuinely a masterpiece of kids tv. It was paced well enough that there was a fair amount of fun filler stuff that made it not unbearable (looking at you v*ltron), but still wasn’t too slow and had genuine stakes. You know the villain decay trope yous always talk about? executed BRILLIANTLY. Don’t even talk to me about villain decay if ur not prepared to talk about dagur the deranged. The final season leads impeccably into the second film in a way that is genuinely really rewarding (i think the second film came out a fair bit before). the dragons. OH BABY the dragons!!!!! so many wonderful dragons!!!!!! is anyone reading this anymore???? Hellooooooo!!!!!!! im gonna do my degree in dragons i swear to god

5. harry potter. not a dragons series, but that scene where they escape gringotts and free that dragon is a literary and cinematic masterpiece.

[joaquinfeed]

ABC’s of Arthur Fleck (fem!reader)

A/N: I’m not sure if this has been done before many times, so sorry if it’s repetitive. I saw this prompt list online and thought ‘why not?’ ALSO. I don’t know who to credit for the list. So, if you know…tell me and I’ll give credit where it’s due! :) 

A = affection (how affectionate are they in day to day life? Do they show affection publicly or keep that more in private?)

It’s no secret that Arthur is touch starved. He is always finding some way to show you his deep and meaningful affection for you. He’s not used to public display’s, and he likes to keep you all to himself, so he’ll typically opt for private moments over public ones. He absolutely adores playing with your fingers, placing soft kisses on your neck, or drawing patterns across your skin. He has to feel you to know that you’re really there.

B = best memory (what is the best memory they have with you)

Arthur finds something new every day that he swears will be his favorite memory. He cherishes every single moment with you, even the little arguments, because it all reminds him how much you love him. If he was forced to choose, he would say that his favorite memory is the first time he opened up about his mental illnesses to you. You, of course, were incredibly supportive and patient. He had never felt so loved before in his life.

C = cat or dog person (this is pretty obvious)

Arthur loves all animals, but he has always wanted a little kitten. They are playful, but not too hyper. They also don’t require as much care, and Arthur already has a lot on his plate. Although you’ve never talked about it, he secretly hopes you both will get a pet one day. 

D = dreams (what do they want to do in life?)

Besides spreading joy and laughter, his biggest dream has already come true. If Arthur could, he’d spend the rest of his life making sure that you’re happy. He wasn’t sure if he’d be a good father or not, but if a baby was something you wanted or desired, he would put every last inch of effort into making that a reality when the time is right. He barely believes that you love him unconditionally, let alone another little human. He would be grateful either way.

E = evenings (how do they spend their evening? Do they go out? Do they read?)

Arthur’s perfect evening would go like this: cuddle with you, cook you some dinner, practice his standup routine to see your pretty little smile, cuddle with you, watch the Murray Franklin show, and then cuddle with you. He couldn’t get enough of your arms around him, and if he had to save up a little extra money to buy a few more soft sweaters (just so you would lay your head on his chest), so be it. Let it be known that he’s also not opposed to spending the evening in the bedroom. He can always watch Murray another time.

F = first date (what was it like?)

It was a little awkward for the both of you. Arthur was still so new to dating, and he didn’t want to do anything wrong. Plus, neither of you are rolling in money, and so you just stayed in at Arthur’s apartment. He cooked a nice meal for the both of you, put on a Charlie Chaplin film, and introduced you to his mother, Penny. It was unconventional, all over the place, and different from what you were expecting. However, you wouldn’t trade it for the world. The night was very Arthur, and it only made you fall harder. 

G = giggle (what is their laugh like? What makes them laugh?)

He has different types of laughs. Some fill you with absolute adoration and joy. Others fill you with sadness and pain. His attacks come when he’s feeling anxious, dissociative, or under-appreciated. His beautiful, real laugh comes out while watching Murray, joking around with one another, and when he plays practical jokes on you. You taught him a few pranks because you knew they would make him happy, and boy did they. Switching sugar for salt is funny, but only the first time.

H = hugs (do they like hugs?)

He LOVES hugs. He likes ‘goodbye, I’ll see you after work’ hugs. He adores ‘we just had a fight, and I’m really sorry’ hugs.  He fonds over ‘I missed you so much’ hugs. He feels lucky to get ‘it’s okay, I’m here for you’ hugs. But his favorite hugs are ‘there’s no reason, I just wanted to be near you’ hugs. Yeah. He loves hugs.

I = instrument (do they play an instrument?) Arthur doesn’t play an instrument. When he was a child, he never had the time or money to learn. As an adult, he thinks it’s too late to try and get into the hobby. He figures he probably wouldn’t be very good at it. You assure him though, if he wants to try, you’ll find a way to make it happen. He feels music deep within him, and you know he’d be a wonderful musician.

J = joy (what brings them joy in life?)

You do. Nothing brings more happiness to Arthur’s life than you. Your smile, your laugh, the way you look at him. It’s all so overwhelming sometimes. Not many other things bring him to pure joy; Gotham hasn’t been kind to him. However, the city almost seems like Heaven when you’re around.

K = kisses (what kind of kisser are they? Shy? Passionate?)

It depends. When Arthur is feeling confident, he can take charge and definitely get caught up in the moment. His first priority is pleasing you. Early on in the relationship, he was incredibly shy. He felt like he would break you, or scare you away if he touched you too much. He’s come a long way, but he still has days where all he can give are small, timid kisses. Either way, you love them. 

L = love (how do they act when they have a crush)

Arthur doesn’t mean to, but he’s pretty obsessive. As soon as he set his sights on you, he knew he had to be near you. It took him awhile to get the courage to actually talk to you, but he admired you from afar quite a bit. 

M = memory (what’s their favourite memory?)

Again, Arthur loves every memory with you in it. His childhood memories weren’t exactly pleasant, and life before you was…difficult. He can’t wait to spend the rest of his life creating new memories with you.

N = no (what is their pet peeve?)

His biggest pet peeve is unkind behavior. Sure, he hates when people are so mean to him. Especially when he’s only been kind to the people of Gotham. But no. Unkind behavior to himself was one thing, but unkind behavior to you? It made him livid. If someone was rude, said a snarky comment, or harassed you in any way, he would furiously write his feelings down in his journal. So much so that his therapist asked when his joke diary turned into a Y/N diary. He just blushed at that.

O = occupation (what’s their dream job?)

It’s always been Arthur’s dream to be a comedian. Well, except for that one brief moment when he was a child when he wanted to be a pirate. But he doesn’t talk about that. He knows just how cruel this world can be, and he wants to spread love and joy as much as he can. What better way than making people laugh?

P = parent (what kind of parent would they be?)

Arthur would be a…nervous parent. During the pregnancy, he would be constantly afraid that you or the baby would get hurt. Not to mention, he’s read stories about women dying during labor. 

It terrifies him to think of that. 

After you and the baby were safely home, he would always make sure you both were happy and healthy. He often wrote his worries down about parenting in his notebook. A few of them being: “What if my kid thinks im as weerd as other people do?” “My baby mite have some of the same mental illnesses as me. Maybe insomneea.” Arthur also knows how bad he is at spelling. What if his child needed help with their homework? Would he be smart enough to do so? Would his kid be embarrassed by him? These thoughts often plagued Arthur’s mind. He kept it to himself for now though; he didn’t want to worry you.

Q = questions (do they believe in the super natural? Aliens? Anything along those lines)

Arthur doesn’t even know what’s real in the natural world around him. Or at the very least, he questions it quite a bit. He spends too much of his time trying to convince himself that you’re real; he hasn’t had time to think much about ghost or aliens. 

R = romantic (are they romantic during the relationship?)

Of course he is romantic. He gets discouraged by his gestures, and he wishes he could do more for you. He hopes every day that you’re not disappointed in him (you aren’t). He loves cooking you good meals, buying you flowers when he can, or taking an extra shift at HaHa’s in order to buy you a gift. He’s seriously considered selling his Charlie Chaplin movie collection to take you out to a fancy dinner. The only reason he hasn’t is because he knows you’d be upset if he did.

S = smile (what makes them smile without fail)

Is this even a question? YOU! When you’re smiling, Arthur’s smiling. The Murray show often makes him smile too, but he still loves you more. (You hope!)

T = together (how clingy are they? How long do you two spend together per day on average)

He’s pretty clingy. Being apart from you for too long makes him anxious. You’re the one who grounds him and makes him think positively. Without you, all he’s got is himself and his thoughts. Both of which, can lead him down a spiraling path. He prefers to be with you at any hour he can; if he could spend all 24 hours with you, he would.

U = unbearable (what habit do they have that’s unbearable? What habit do you have that they find unbearable?)

You love Arthur, but you hate how insecure he is. You’re patient because it makes sense, and you understand him. However, you wish more than anything that Arthur could see just how beautiful and amazing he is. You hate when he talks down about himself; after all, that’s the man you’re in love with. As for you, he likes everything about you. The only thing that irritates worry’s him at times is your need to make sure he’s okay. You’ve nearly fought people who are blatantly rude to him, and it upsets him to know that you could be hurt in the process. 

“I’m not worth it,” he’ll tell you. 

There’s that self-doubt again.

V = videos (do they take lots of videos or photos during your relationship?)

You don’t really take any videos; neither of you have the money to spend on a video camera. You do have a polaroid camera that you’ve kept with you, and you love taking pictures of Arthur. Pictures of his face are scattered around your apartment. Sometimes you’ll take pictures of yourself too and tape them where he can find them. It helps remind him that you’re real, and you love him.

W = wedding (what will the wedding be like?)

The wedding is small. Neither of you even expected to get married when you did. Arthur decided it was time to marry you, and so he asked. He saved up money for months to buy you a ring. The ring still wasn’t all that big, but you didn’t care one bit. It was beautiful to you. His speech was short and sweet, complete with nervous stutters and blushes. 

“I-I’m sorry I couldn’t buy you something better,” Arthur blushed, looking a little ashamed at the small ring he held in his hand. “But-but I wanted to marry you now. Or, I wanted to ask you. Shit! I didn’t- I didn’t ask you. Do- do you want to marry me?”

It was perfect. You both were so excited to marry one another that you couldn’t care less about the actual wedding process. That night, and way into the morning, you both surely had fun celebrating your love. 

X = eXtra (what’s an interesting fact about them that they don’t tell anyone about?)

The 1920′s silent film Treasure Island made him want to be a pirate when he was younger. He thought he would go on adventures, find treasure, and sail the open seas. As a kid, that looked like ultimate freedom. 

Y = yuck (what do they hate? Could be a food, scent, word, anything)

Arthur hates bully’s. He also hates when you shrug after he asks you something important about yourself. For example, all the times he asks what’s wrong, or why you feel insecure, or if you think you’re beautiful, and you shrug? Yeah, he hates that. He knows you might just need some time, but he doesn’t like to see you upset.

Z = zzzz (how heavy of a sleeper are they? How do they sleep? What mood do they wake up in? Really any sleeping headcanons)

Arthur is a heavy sleeper when he can actually fall asleep. Because of his insomnia, he has a hard time getting to sleep and staying asleep. You often find yourself awake with him, keeping him company or stroking his hair until he’s tired again. When he does get a few hours in, you try to be as quiet as humanly possible so you don’t wake him up. Arthur loves falling asleep with you tucked into his side, or he into yours. He has to admit, he’s never slept more peacefully than with you by his side.

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

I just got home from the HTTYD trilogy marathon at the cinema and I started sobbing again, and I really need to talk about it. Im sorry if I’m bumming anyone out but it’s not necessarily a negative thing, I just need to talk and for someone to maybe just humor me and my emotional day.

There’s nothing triggering in this post, but putting it under a read-more just to be safe, and so I don’t bother anyone.

I’ve mentioned before that I didn’t get into HTTYD until very recently - February of this year, actually. So I’m aware that my emotions/feelings surrounding the Dragons franchise are nowhere near as valid or whatever as those who have been fans for years, essentially growing up with it. I know I sound like I’m being overdramatic but I’m really not.

I didn’t see the first or second movies in the cinema - I only ever got to see the third. It was because the third movie was out that I even watched the first two, actually. For months, I’ve felt regret over the fact that I would never get to experience the first two movies in the cinema, and I managed to come to terms with that.

But today I did because an independent cinema was showing the whole trilogy as a marathon. Until a week ago, I had no idea it was happening - it was only by chance that I was on their website looking to see if they were doing another Potter all-nighter-marathon that I saw it. 

Seeing the first two movies on the big screen, followed by the third...it’s been a long afternoon. There was perhaps five minutes between each film to get food/drink and go to the bathroom (and that’s including the end of the credits). It wasn’t particularly comfortable because it was in the downstairs screen, which for some reason has the seats sloping down and then up again, so I was doing a bit of musical chairs before the marathon started to try and find a seat where I could see properly and not have my view blocked by someone in front. When you’re sat in the same seat for five and a half hours, you get very sore and uncomfortable.

But it was worth it. Oh so worth it.

I managed to get right to the end of the third movie with minimal tears, despite being aware that people around me were openly crying. It was only when the credits started to roll, “Together From Afar”, that it fully hit me - and then I started to sob. And once I started, I couldn’t stop. There’s so many feelings and emotions and thoughts that I feel overwhelmed, and I feel stupid and silly because I’m a 21 year old woman crying over a trilogy about dragons, but I can’t help it. I didn’t even cry this hard over Fantastic Beasts - there, I said it. 

I feel regret for not watching the movies sooner, not watching the first film when it came out and I would have been the right-ish age. I feel upset and emotional because I’m never going to have this experience of watching the three movies again - I’ve requested already that the PCC do the marathon again in the future on their request board, but who knows if they will. I can only request and hope. I feel embarrassment for being a fully grown adult and so obsessive, so dependent, on these films but I can’t help it. These movies have made me so happy that I’ve stopped self-harming for good now (there was one incident a while back but it’s in the past), that I’ve wanted to keep living. I feel regret that my late grandmother never got to watch these movies, at least not with me. I think she would have at least liked them. She’d have understood.

I’m really scared that the HTTYD fandom is going to die out now that the last movie is released - that I’ll be the only one obsessing and loving it. 

It’s not all bad; I feel thankful that I got to see these movies in the cinema today as a marathon. I feel happy that I have my collection of dragons and other merchandise. I’m happy that these movies exist at all, that in all the time in the world that I could exist in, I exist in a time where these movies exist too. 

I feel very grateful for the cast and crew behind these movies. For Cressida Cowell, for Dean DeBlois, Chris Sanders, Bonnie Arnold, Gerard Butler, Craig Ferguson, Kristen Wiig, TJ Miller, Christopher Mintz-Plasse, Kit Harrington, Cate Blanchett, Jonah Hill, for Dreamworks in general. Most especially I feel grateful for America Ferrera - and for Jay Baruchel most of all. God damn it, I’m tearing up again just thinking about how he is well and truly Hiccup, how the character would be different without him, how he’s managed to carry these films and the TV shows as the lead even when he’s had a shit time in his personal life, even when he’s overworked and exhausted. I think about how much he loves the character, just as much - if not more so - then we do, and how he’s always seemed to be so grateful and supportive of the fans.

I feel so much right now that it’s unbearable.

Even though I’m 21, in a sense I feel like I am still growing up. Inside, I feel like I’m far younger than I am sometimes - maybe it’s something that’s happened as a consequence of years of mental health problems, maybe it’s something else, but I feel like while I know I’m 21 and accept that, inside I feel like I haven’t matured beyond a much younger age. Weirdly, I look at 15 year old Hiccup and see myself in him; I look at 21 year old Hiccup too, and I see myself in him. Same goes for Astrid, it feels like I’m still growing and that I’ve grown with them even though I haven’t. I know that makes no sense but that’s how I’m feeling.

Maybe I’m still sobbing because I’m tired - it’s a long way to Leicester Square and back, plus watching the movies - maybe it’s just because I feel lost and distraught. I’ve been looking so forward to this trilogy marathon, and now it’s over...I don’t know what to do. Wait and see if it happens again? Ignore it and go back to being an adult? 

I don’t know. I feel like I need to talk to someone who won’t judge how I feel, someone who loves Dragons just as much as I do, someone who can understand what I’m going through maybe. Maybe I just need to try counselling again (which I don’t really want to since all my counselors have been terrible, the last one ended up screaming at me so...), maybe I just need to wait until I get a call from the Aspergers people to see if they’ll diagnose me with it or autism (the waiting list is ridiculously long)

I don’t know, guys. Replies/DMs would be very kind, but I don’t want to force people. Just some thoughts.

[katievolker]

#baymtgo day twenty eight - movie

hi im katie and i love FILM

Movie.

Fun fact: I fucking love movies.

I love the medium of visual storytelling in any form, actually. Movies, TV, video games, theatre - I love it all. But I do have a special love for movies. I love them all for their different crafts - because they are different crafts. You cannot approach a movie the same way you would a TV show or a video game, it just doesn’t work. They’re different disciplines, and sometimes I’ll be in the mood for one type over another.

Sometimes I’m in the mood for long form storytelling - for hours and hours getting to know and completely falling in love with a character, or a cast of characters. Getting into the depths of their psyche until I feel like I understand them better than I know myself. That’s what I watch TV for. That’s why I love TV. With movies, I’m going in for a different experience. With movies, part of the joy is sitting down, and knowing you only have a limited amount of time with the people who are in front of you. It’s a miracle that we can sit with new characters for ninety minutes and come out the otherside bawling like a baby. At least, I can. It takes so little time to fall for a character when it’s done right. And knowing how that works? Holy shit, good filmmakers are geniuses.

Something people have said to me when I’ve told them I studied film is, “I feel like that would ruin films for me.” Perhaps it is for some, but it was never the case for me. I decided to start studying film when I started my GCSEs aged 14. I picked media as a subject, and through that I learnt all about different narrative theories - Propp, Todorov, Barthes, Syd Field - and I learnt to apply them to the things I was watching. I started to develop a far more critical eye. On the one hand, over the years that has made just fine movies become unbearable, but on the other hand some of my favourite movies are my favourites because I can point to small moments that stand out like headlights on a wet road.

Examples? The entirety of Edgar Wright’s filmography. He was the first director I really got obsessed with because his attention to detail is utterly staggering. Recently, I went to get something from a room where my little brother was watching Hot Fuzz. I’ve seen that movie well over ten times, but within the five minutes I stood watching the movie I saw and heard jokes that I had never seen nor heard before. His understanding of how to use the frame is mind boggling to me, and then to use said frame to subvert audience expectations and create comedy as well? Out-fucking-standing. I don’t even have to point to huge scenes to make my point. I have analysed Shaun’s walk to the shop on Sunday morning when the zombie outbreak has reached critical so many times I know it like the back of my hand. I once wrote a full 300 odd words on Scott jumping out of a window in Scott Pilgrim because in one small movement was the perfect decision. Wright managed to create comedy by doing something absurd on more levels than one. Baby Driver is some of the most astounding editing, period. He has this intense and complete understanding of how film works, and it flows out of every single movie he makes.

What’s my point? Studying film made me appreciate those things even more than I did as a casual fan. Some of the best cinematic moments are ones where directors have made the decision not to make the obvious cut, because they don’t need to. Moments where, because all the set up has been done so well, a moment of realisation doesn’t need to be spoon fed to the audience.

Filmmaking is such a fine art. I think it’s easy to brush it off as something frivolous and unnecessary, but those people who act as if filmmaking isn’t tough have never made films. Hundreds and hundreds of hours are put into something that is made for other people. Every name you see at the end of a movie did something for that story. They contributed toward a singular vision to capture some aspect of humanity at a moment in time.

Don’t you see how beautiful that is?  

[chiseler]

Teinosuke Kinugasa’s CROSSWAYS (1928)

Teinosuke Kinugasa

Imagine your typical Japanese silent movie – and you’d have to imagine it, as only approximately 1% of the country’s output produced before the 1930s survives and precious little has made it to the home-viewing market – and you might well picture straightforward filmed renditions of Kabuki plays or action-packed swashbucklers featuring samurais leaping vigorously around the screen flourishing wooden swords.

This was the field from which the director Teinosuke Kinugasa emerged, initially as an actor, or more specifically, an oyama performer (sometimes read as onnagata, literally “woman’s form”) specialising in female roles, then de rigeur for a nascent industry tied to the traditional theatrical conventions that kept women from both stage and screen. Born the same year that cinema arrived in Japan in 1896, following his debut with the anonymously-directed The Seven-Colored Ring in 1917, he made dozens of such appearances.

We can imagine he must have cut a suitably demure figure, clad in decorative kimono, neatly coiffured and fan fluttering over a porcelain painted face. Alas, the writing was on the wall for this pantomime style. The tsunami of silver screen sirens in the foreign films pouring into the country was ample evidence that such performative parodies of femininity were no substitute for the real thing. When the studio to which he was under contract, Nikkatsu, started hiring actresses on a regular basis following Yaeko Mizutani’s breakthrough role in Winter Camellia (Kantsubaki, 1921), Kinugasa fruitlessly led a dozen or so of his fellow oyama on strike. While the onscreen Japanese femme morphed into the more cosmopolitan, alluring and sexually assertive figure of the moga (modan garu or “modern girl”) across the course of twenties, Kinugasa migrated behind the camera, churning out over fifty films from his directing debut with Spark (Hibana, 1922) until the end of the decade and many more in the ones that followed.

Most of these fell within the field of pulp period sword-fighting movies known as chanbara (an onomatopoeic word in Japanese for the sound of blades clashing). Indeed, Kinugasa might be as obscure a figure to film historians today as contemporaries like Daisuke Ito and Masahiro Makino – prolific journeymen capable of occasional flashes of genius whose almost exclusive operations within the field of the samurai drama and, during the 1960s the yakuza film, barely registered on foreign shores – were it not for one particular title.

A Page of Madness (Kurutta ippeji, 1926) is a film that seems to have emerged from the void. It stands unique, not just in Japan but anywhere in the world, as the first feature to attempt to convey complex psychological content without any textual intertitles and purely by cinematic technique, according to the filmmaker-theorist Vlada Petric. Scripted in collaboration with the author Yasunari Kawabata, who in 1968 would become Japan’s first Nobel literary laureate, this pioneering piece of cinematic avant-garde relays the tale, in fractured flashback, of a retired sailor who takes a job in a lunatic asylum to look after his mentally-disturbed wife.

The Cabinet of Dr Caligari (1920) is often check-listed as an influence, though the comparisons are superficial and Kinugasa stated he’d never even seen the film. Rather than the distorted sets of Wiene’s early expressionist masterpiece, Kinugasa’s evocation of insanity comes in a barrage of jarring juxtapositions of striking, near subliminal images that thrust the viewer into the pandemonium of its asylum setting, with its inmates clamoring at the bars. There is little in the way of narrative, so to speak, the characters’ flashbacks and feverish flights of fantasy presenting a meta-critic of the madness of the age in a dream-logic manner that is impressionistic and disorienting. Kinugasa himself cited Eisenstein’s newly-translated essays on the theories of montage as an important influence, although he would not have had any direct acquaintance with the Soviet’s films themselves, banned from importation as they were following Japan’s passing of the Peace Preservation Law in 1925 due to their purportedly subversive content.

No Japanese studio in the 1920s would have backed a project like this. It was left to Kinugasa to raise the meagre budget, and to use his connections in the industry to ensure a limited release for Page of Madness. Despite some positive reviews, its initial impact in Japan and the rest of the world was negligible. Barely a handful of domestic productions made it before the eyes of Eurocentric film critics and cultural commentators in this period and, unreleased outside of Japan at the time, Page of Madness was certainly not among the rare few that did. By the time the talkies arrived, Kinugasa was back at work within the studio system. His passion project was soon forgotten, shelved within the Shochiku company’s warehouse at their Shimokamo studio facilities in Kyoto where it had been shot. In 1950, the warehouse went up in flames, and the last known print went with it.

That Page of Madness ever saw light of day in the first place is miracle enough. A second miracle occurred when over 20 years later, in 1971, Kinugasa discovered the original negative misplaced in a rice barrel in the storage shed of his country house. A new print was struck, leading to a wave of international screenings and critical reappraisals of Kinugasa’s place in film history. Ironically, Page of Madness went on to become one of the best-known and widely-shown Japanese silent films.

But history is a fickle thing. Few remember now that Page of Madness was not Kinugasa’s only attempt at expanding the language of Japanese cinema. Just two years after its release, after retreating back into the comfort zone of commercial studio production to realize some further twenty period potboilers, the director embarked on the production of what he would describe as a “samurai film without swords”, cast in the more readily-recognizable tenebrous sturm und drang of German Expressionism. The resulting film, released under the title of Jujiro (Crossways or Crossroads), follows a more conventional dramatic arc than its experimental predecessor, and is perhaps more significant in that it was the first Japanese film to be screened widely outside of Japan.

Set in the 18th century capital of Edo’s entertainment district of Yoshiwara, the story again adopted a non-linear flashback approach in detailing the misadventures of a young man, Rikiya, who lives in poverty in a ramshackle attic apartment with his sister, Okiku, who herself is besieged by the regular predations of their landlord to settle their outstanding rent. Besotted with the unattainable courtesan O-Ume at the local fairground, he steals the kimono his sister is making to present to the object of his obsession. Unfortunately, a cocksure rival for O-Ume’s affections publicly humiliates him by tearing it to shreds in front of the baying crowd where she plies her trade before temporarily blinding him by flinging ash into his eyes. The irate Rikiya retaliates by lunging his sword toward his rival, who promptly falls to the ground in jest. Believing he has committed a murder, Rikiya flees back to his sister and awaits his fate.

Crossways at times presents the same visual tour-de-force as Page of Madness, notably in the series of hallucinations that accompany Rikiya’s nursing back to health by his sister – a striking montage of superimpositions and dissolves of spinning archery targets and gaudily painted geishas parading around the carnivalesque fleshpots of Yoshiwara. The fairground locale is dominated by a prevalence of lanterns, spinning balls and other circular motifs rendered as dynamic abstractions, to delineate it from the brooding atmospherics of the interior scenes.

Crossways travelled further afield as well. Kinugasa had barely waited until the end of its theatrical run before taking his fate in his hands and hopping on the Trans-Siberian Express with a print of the film in the hope of selling it in Europe. His mission was successful, as it found a natural home from home when it opened in Berlin under the title Im Schatten des Yoshiwara (The Shadows of Yoshiwara). It went on to play a number of major metropolitan centres in Europe, including Paris and London.

Sadly, the Variety review that accompanied its New York premiere in July 1930 under the title Slums of Tokyo, suggests that North American critics were not quite ready for Kinugasa’s vision, summarising it as “…terribly slow and draggy. Full of heavy acting, appealing looks, much weeping, gestures etc. all at slow pace and mostly in close-up. The ordinary picture audience over here would find it unbearable. The film doesn't even live up to its title.” The charge that “the story is somewhat incoherent, due primarily to what appeared bad cutting” could well be due to the intervention of its American distributor Joseph Fleischer. A Japanese DVD release of the film lists its five reels as running 74 minutes, whereas Variety cites a runtime of 60 minutes. Nevertheless, the dismissal that the “photography is modelled along the lines pioneered by Germany… of the foggy, shadowy effect with frequent unexpected switches and flashbacks” hints at a general condescension, not atypical of the trade paper during this period, toward those national industries exploring different aesthetic and narrative possibilities beyond those traded in by the dominant Hollywood dream machine. One wonders what the anonymous Variety critic might have made of Page of Madness had it made it to New York at this point.

There was a time when Page of Madness was subject to regular one-off screenings across the world, its extraordinary visuals providing a perfect foil for musicians across a number of genres to riff to, although the film now appears to be in a licensing limbo due and we’ve yet to see a legit DVD release. Meanwhile, a print of Crossways with English intertitles currently lies neglected in the British Film Institute’s archives, all but overshadowed by the reputation of its better-known bombastic predecessor.

As for Kinugasa himself, one could well describe the bulk of his considerable subsequent output, right up to his final film, the Soviet coproduction of The Little Runaway (codirected with Eduard Bocharov, 1966), as undistinguished and certainly never gaining the same traction worldwide as these two avant-gardist one-offs, were it not for the surprise international acclaim of one later title. Japan’s first ever Eastmancolor production, Gate of Hell (Jigokumon, 1953) was garlanded by Western critics gushing with a newly discovered post-Rashomonenthusiasm for Japanese exoticism. It won the Palme d’Or at Cannes in 1954 and Oscars for Best Foreign Film and Best Color Costume Design at the following year’s Academy Awards. Back in Japan, few were as bemused by the plaudits for this ponderous 12th-century period drama as Kinugasa himself, who dismissed it as one of his worst.

by Jasper Sharp

[horizonreviews]

“The Babadook” Film Review

The Babadook: A Redefinition of Horror

           In recent years, horror films have taken a downward spiral. Several productions such as Krampus, The Ouija Experiment, and The Mummy Resurrected have left a great deal to be desired. The characters, production value, and overarching plots for these films among others these last ten years has been reduced to a film making formula that results in a handful of jump scares and no redeeming value. However, one film has proven itself to be paragon of horror films at the peak of their powers: The Babadook. With a gripping premise, intelligent storytelling, and impressive performances, the story of a young boy and his mother facing a monster breaks beyond the expectations of its genre and becomes a horror film that has redefined the standards of its failing genre. 

Act I Summary

           The film opens on a woman named Amelia Vanek. She is about to give birth, and her husband reassures her that everything is going to be all right as they drive to the hospital. But as he comforts her, he is distracted and they both get in a terrible car crash. It is revealed that Amelia survived the crash and gave birth to a son named Samuel, but her husband, Oskar, didn’t survive. Six years after the accident, Amelia’s life has been marked with anxiety and high levels of emotional distress. The situation isn’t helped as her son begins to exhibit strange and erratic behavior.

           Samuel develops insomnia and believes that a monster follows him wherever he goes. In order to cope with the situation, Samuel develops crude weapons out of objects around the house. He has crafted a small catapult and a crossbow. His odd behavior is contained for a time, but it is drawn to his school principal’s attention when Samuel brings a crossbow to school with him. The mother is clearly distressed with Samuel’s behavior, and she doesn’t know how to cope with him without her husband for support.

           One night, Sam finds a strange book waiting on his doorstep: Mister Babadook. He insists that his mother read it to him, and she reluctantly agrees. Immediately, the book is alarming as it depicts a monster that you can’t hope to rid yourself of. The Babadook is depicted as a pale-faced humanoid being in a top hat with fingers shaped like knives. Amelia doesn’t believe they should be reading this, but Samuel insists they continue. Amelia finishes with “if it’s in a word or in a look, you can’t get rid of the Babadook.” The book disturbs Amelia, but Sam is convinced that this creature is real. Samuel then proceeds to keep his mother awake with his anxieties, unable to relax.

           Soon after this story takes its toll on Amelia and Samuel, supernatural occurrences being to take place around their house. Doors open and close on their own, strange sounds go off at night, and Amelia even finds broken glass in her food. Amelia believes that Samuel is responsible for these incidents, but Sam insists that it’s the Babadook. Unable to cope with Samuel’s obsession, Amelia rips up the Babadook storybook and throws it in the trash. She believes that she’s finally been rid of this poisonous influence on her and her son.

           Amelia tries to regain some semblance of her life by attending her niece, Ruby’s birthday party, and she brings Samuel with her. Amelia becomes preoccupied with the other mothers attending, and Samuel is left alone. He is soon bullied by Ruby. She mocks Samuel, saying that not having a father is shameful. Samuel retaliates and breaks Ruby’s nose in two places. Ruby’s mother rushes to her daughter’s side and claims that Sam is unbearable. Amelia takes offence to this and storms off in her car with Samuel. On their way home, Samuel suffers a febrile seizure, so they stop to see a pediatrician. After extensive begging, the pediatrician writes a prescription for some sedatives.

Act II Summary

           The next morning, Amelia finds the Mister Babadook book fixed and on her doorstep. The book holds a new message, and she is haunted by its contents. It taunts her and says that by avoiding the Babadook, it will only get stronger. The book displays an escalation of its influence on Amelia, showing her murdering the family dog (Bugsy), Samuel, and then herself. Amelia is horrified by the contents of the book and burns it, rushing to the police for help. She tells the officers what has happened, but without any evidence of stalking or the book, they are unable to help. Furthermore, Amelia sees the Babadook’s hat and coat hanging on a hook at the station, and she leaves.

           Amelia becomes more withdrawn and impulsive over time. She also begins yelling at Samuel for no reason and her visions of the Babadook become more frequent. During one of her sleepless nights, Amelia sees an apparition of Oskar, who comforts her and makes her feel happy for the first time in years. She asks him to come back to her, and he says that he will if she gives him Samuel. Amelia is soon overcome with fear and retreats to her room. But the Babadook appears in her room and possesses her.

           In her demented rage, Amelia breaks Bugsy’s neck, and tries to kill Sam with a kitchen knife. Sam manages to outsmart the Babadook by using his crude weapons and an array of traps. The fight concludes in the basement, where Amelia is knocked out. She wakes to find that Samuel has tied her up. He remains terrified, but hopeful. He tires to reach his mother, claiming, “You may not love me anymore mum. But I love you.” Amelia undergoes a seizure and vomits an inky black substance (the Babadook).

           Amelia seems relieved at first, but Sam reminds her “you can’t get rid of the Babadook.” Sam is then dragged out of the basement and into Amelia’s bedroom. Amelia rushes to save her son, and she confronts the Babadook directly. The being never reveals its face, but forces Amelia to re-experience Oskar’s death. She gazes upon the vision, completely overcome by despair. The being continues to approach them, and Amelia says, “If you touch my son, I’ll kill you!” The creature retreats to the basement and Amelia locks the door behind it.

           ***

           After some time, Amelia and Samuel have managed to move past the Babadook’s influence. Amelia has become more caring and considerate toward Samuel. She even becomes accepting of his weapon making and his magic tricks. One afternoon, Amelia and Samuel collect earthworms in the garden and put them in a small bowl. She approaches the basement door (now outfitted with several new locks), and she says that she won’t be long. She enters the basement and places the bowl on the floor. The Babadook approaches her, but she unaffected and comforts the creature. The bowl retreats to the corner, and the Babadook begins eating the worms. Amelia returns to the yard and celebrates Samuel’s birthday with him.

Film Reaction

           While I was hesitant to watch The Babadook at first, it has proven to be a powerful cinematic experience. With a modest budget, few characters, and a modest runtime of 94 minutes, the Babadook manages to leave a powerful impression that most horror films with more resources struggle to replicate. By focusing on a scenario that elicits true horror instead of common jump scares, the simple story manages to transcend the expectations of its tired genre and gives vibrant life to a real issue: how to cope with loss.

           There are many theories as to what the Babadook is, but all of them relate to a common theme of grief. This creature that torments a broken family is an archetype of bereavement: all consuming, dark, and an elicitor of people’s lowest instincts. It is by adopting these qualities that the Babadook becomes something more than just a garden-variety monster. He becomes a physical representation of how much it hurts to lose someone you love, and is proof that the pain of losing someone doesn’t end when they’re buried.

           With this in mind, the effect of the Babadook becomes more palpable as well as realistic. People who refuse to process their grief tend to have it return in more intense and hurtful ways. As Amelia refuses to acknowledge Oskar’s death, she begins to separate herself from other people. She even begins to neglect her own son and loses touch with reality. All the while, the Babadook’s effect on her grows stronger.

           One can practically see the Kubler-Ross Model of grief being drawn as the story progresses. From denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance.  At the beginning, Amelia refuses to let anyone speak Oskar’s name. She is denying the situation at its most basic level, and this only feeds her grief. And this is around the time the Babadook make sits first appearance. Later on, her violent and erratic behavior intensifies and we see the Babadook poisoning her perceptions on reality.

           Soon, she grows desperate and begs the pediatrician for sedatives. This is a telltale sign of bargaining, showing that she wants to find some way to be rid of this grief. As the story comes to its climax, we see that Amelia is completely overcome with fear and depression. The Babadook makes an attempt to ruin the Vaneks, but when he is finally expelled, it’s only because Amelia confronted the Babadook (or confronted her grief).

          The family seems to be happy again, but it’s the final part of the Grief Model that is truly fascinating. Amelia has entered the stage of acceptance, but that doesn’t mean she’s completely rid herself of the Babadook. This creature isn’t like Dracula, Frankenstein, or the Wolfman, it’s not a physical being that can be killed. Instead, it acts as a concept that Amelia has to come to peace with. She has accepted her grief, but the pain of losing Oskar will remain. This doesn’t mean that the story has ended on a sad note, it’s acknowledging the reality of the subject matter. People suffer terrible losses in their lifetimes, but winning once doesn’t mean that the fight is over. Instead, one will have to manage and process their emotions to ensure that their grief doesn’t overcome their lives.

         In all, the Babadook is an impressive horror story that has broken the cycle of formulaic and brought horror to new heights. Jump scares, stock characters, and weak storylines are thrown out the window and make way for a story that will chill you to your bones. Babadook is story that’s not to be missed, as it leaves you pondering how you will respond in the face of grief. It’s a lesson in how you can’t hold on to your resentment and loss forever as it will let something manifest that you will be powerless to control. You may cling to the past, but it will only result in taking on a new and terrible form, the form of a Babadook.

[rrafeeg-blog]

The original Housemaid

The Housemaid Part 1 , The original Housemaid, directed by Kim Ki-young in 1960, was a claustrophobic, suspenseful masterpiece announcing Korea as a major player on the international cinematic stage. The plot was simple: A family hires a housemaid, and, in doing so, invites ruin into their lives. The housemaid is clearly “off” already, but after the husband sleeps with her, in a weak moment when his wife is away, the maid turns psychotic and obsessive. By the end of the film, the power dynamic has completely shifted, and the family has become prisoners in their own home, dominated and lorded over by the maid who now holds all the cards.

Kim Ki-young’s camera slides through the cramped middle-class house, peeking through windows and around corners, creating a tremendously unbalancing effect, with shots that repeat themselves, sometimes obsessively, heightening the intensity and the sensation that this time, this time there would be no escape from that small space. A vicious social critique of middle-class aspirations (“If only I didn’t want a bigger house,” sighs the wife at one point), Kim Ki -young’s film was a massive hit (financially and critically) in Korea, and changed the Korean film industry forever. It dealt with current issues like infidelity and sex outside of marriage in a courageous manner, and it had a bold and stylistic look that has influenced a generation of filmmakers.

It is now 50 years later. Korea’s film industry is once again dazzling viewers around the world, and in this current climate of excitement and anticipation, The Housemaid has been remade by acclaimed director Im Sang-soo. Starring Jeon Do-yeon (2007 Best Actress winner at Cannes in Secret Sunshine) as Eun-yi, the housemaid, and Lee Jung-jae as the philandering husband who seduces her, the remake takes the core structure of what was there in the original and inverts it. Instead of members of middle-class family who want to buy a television and want to have enough money just to take care of their sickly daughter, the family in the remake is wealthy and lives in a virtual palace, high above the fray of the urban streets we see in the opening sequence. The class critique is still there, but instead of chastising those on the low-to-middle rungs of society for wanting more, it points its fingers at the soulless cruelty of the very-wealthy (a less interesting choice since the target is so obvious).

In Kim Ki-young’s film, it is the husband’s story from beginning to end. The housemaid emerges as a horrifying “other,” a demon from the deep who, once she has tasted the air up here, refuses to go away. The film is a grim warning to those who stray from their marriage (even up to the last moment, when the husband breaks the fourth wall and addresses the audience directly, a jolting theatrical choice). In the remake, it is the housemaid’s story. She comes to work at the house, and she is shown the ropes by Byung-sik, the senior maid (in a brilliant performance by Yun Yeo-Jong). Lee Jung-jae’s “Hoon” is calculating womanizer, with a very pregnant spoiled wife (Seo Woo), and a young daughter who sizes Eun-yi up with a cold solemn face that manages to be both endearing and scary at the same time. She is a creepy little kid, but you get the sense that she knows her parents are lunatics. Hoon is not getting enough sex from his pregnant wife, and so he sets his sights on the new girl. Eun-yi is swept away by the sex and finds him impossible to resist. (At one point, in a moment too visceral too imagine in an American film, she buries her face in his groin and sighs, “Oh God, I love that smell.”) The mansion is a sexual hothouse and she seems to thrive in that environment. Even the uniforms the maids are made to wear play up the sexual inequalities of the situation: body-hugging grey skirts, tight white shirts, and black pumps with glass heels. The glass heels are the giveaway. In Im Sang-soo’s version, this is a Cinderella story.

By removing the struggles of the middle-class from the equation and by focusing on the exploitation of the poor by the very rich, Im Sang-soo has, ironically, removed much of the unbearable tension found in the original. We know Hoon is a jerk (put down the wine glass, bub), we know his wife is a spoiled brat, and we know the housemaid is an innocent girl. The film operates from cliché and our preconceived notions about certain archetypes. The villain twirls his mustache leeringly, and the damsel in distress wrings her hands. It’s a shorthand. There is pleasure to be had in such broad performances (the acting is fine throughout), but a lot of power and suspense is lost in that transfer.

The look of the remake, shot for shot, shows the characteristic boldness that Korean directors are known for. For example, there’s a scene in a hospital waiting room, with a solitary character sitting in a stationary chair. The camera rests on her. Rolling back and forth in front of her is another character, in a wheelchair, passing across the frame. The emotional tension is in the stationary character; it is her scene, but her emotions are made manifest in the restless pacing of the other character in the wheelchair. This kind of old-fashioned “blocking” of a scene in order to show the emotional subtext of any given moment is what the American studio system used to do so well (when the directors and actors all came from vaudeville and theatre, and where blocking like that was par for the course, since it had to be readable in the cheap seats). Every scene in The Housemaid has something interesting about it visually.

The mansion is almost another character in the film, filmed in exquisite and almost excessive detail. The space is extraordinary, echoing and endless, reminiscent of the cavernous maze that is Xanadu in Citizen Kane, or the creepy marble-staircased abode inhabited by Claude Rains and Ingrid Bergman in Hitchcock’s Notorious. The problem with the house, though, is that it is so grand, on such an otherwordly one-percent-of-all-humanity-lives-like- this level, that it is hard to know what we should be feeling about it, except envy at the beauty of it, or relief that we don’t have to be in charge of cleaning it. Neither reaction is ideal for what should be a psychologically taut and suspenseful film. Im Sang-soo and his team of set designers put a lot of love and detail into that house, and it shows. But his attention perhaps was needed elsewhere. The original still terrifies. This one, while visually exciting with a shocker of an ending, and a strange coda right out of David Lynch (a nod to the “this has been a public service announcement” ending of the original), does not terrify. It remains a beautiful visual statement, with some seriously mixed messages at the heart of it. The on-the-nose economic critique does nothing to help excavate the guts of this nasty little tale, because we already know who these people are. Nothing they do surprises us.

There is one notable exception, and that is Yun Yeo-Jong’s performance as the head maid, Byung-sik. The actress worked with Kim Ki-young in 1970, appearing in his second film, Fire Woman, and she has had a long illustrious career. Byung-sik maintains a stony face in the presence of her employers and is an efficient and brisk employee. But when she lets her hair down, sometimes in the presence of Eun-yi, but mostly when she is by herself, a torrent of anger and contempt comes pouring out of her, giving the film its funniest moments. She lies in the tub, smoking a cigarette, her gestures suddenly blasé and “over it,” and the contrast between that and her buttoned-up professional behavior is specific, humorous and eloquent. Every gesture, every look, even the slightest hint of an eye-roll behind everyone’s back, suggests volcanic rage. Eun-yi confides in Byung-sik at one point (a big mistake), and Byung-sik cuts her off coldly, in a flat tough-dame voice right out of film noir: “Listen These are scary people, okay?” To see Byung-sik flailing about drunkenly in her room, late at night, screaming her helpless fury up at the camera placed on the ceiling, is to feel the energy that should have been present in the film entire. There is your real class critique. There is the demon emerging from the deep. Yun Yeo-Jong steals the show.

The Korean film industry was, in many ways, launched into the modern era with The Housemaid in 1960. In recent years, Korean films have gained a new generation of passionate fans, due to their creative, dazzling style and confident experiments with well-known genres (Chan-wook Park’s exhilarating and bloodthirsty vampire movie Thirst (2009), Bong Joon-ho’s serial-killer-police procedural Memories of Murder (2003), as well as Bong Joon- ho’s more recent The Host, and Mother, just to name a few). A film industry that is so certain of itself, so confident in its aims, is reminiscent of the studio system in 1930s and 1940s America, where artistic aims and commercial aims often walked hand in hand. It is a rare thing today, in part because such a willingness to take big, bold swings guarantees that there will be misses. Im Sang-soo’s The Housemaid is what happens when a film-maker’s bravery isn’t quite matched by his vision

[mediawhorefics]

Are there any fic ideas you have that you wish someone else would write?

ooooooh there’s quite a few actually. but i’m also VERY protective of my ideas because i’m a picky reader so idk if that would work haha. i wish i wasn’t, but i am *shrug*.  but here are a few au ideas i wouldn’t necessarily write but would love to read :  

ANY OLDER LARRY FICS!!!! but esp. famous/non-famous older hl where they’ve had COMPLETELY different life experiences and they both feel the attraction but struggle to figure out how to merge their two lives… 

a the hour au!!!!! the bbc in the 50s ? a new news program?? passionate journalists? murders ? spies ? bffs to lovers ft. unbearable slow burn & pining ??? 

a labyrinth au ft. harry as the goblin king/or his most faithful servant and louis as sarah except louis wouldn’t be a teenager cos that’s creepy. as louis braves the labyrinth to find his baby siblings, harry falls in love with louis’ determination and courage. or something. it’d have to be a bit creepy and a bit goofy just like the film.  (ok i actually want to write this one tbh!!!!!!!)

 angsty canon ziall fic post zayn leaving 1d. I WANT ZIALL ANGST!!! 

im obsessed with anastasia (oh you guys have NO IDEA how much) and the EXCELLENT anastasia au that was written for this fandom was never finished so yk….. i need one. I NEED ONE. 

i’d really love a star wars au that doesn’t follow the plot of any of the movies but just…. yk a au set in the star wars universe. we’ve got a billion hp aus…. dare i say it’s time to move on ?

im a fake canadian and i dont follow hockey but famous/non-famous ft. hockey player harry but it would have to have a check pls kind of tone. where it’s like…. an uplifting story and harry gets to come out and love his boyfriend and be feminine while still kicking ass on the ice. 

more !!! boxer !!! harry !!!! we have like….. 1000000000 footballer louis fics and harry’s been boxing for years yet where is the material?? why are y’all depriving me ??? 

more astronaut aus!!!!!! pining except one of them is in space ??!!!! 

i want a new high romance kind of fic. something historical with a jane austen vibe ft. courtships and pining and hand kisses. 

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind au but it can’t be written by someone who’ll just follow the movie script cos that’s boring. 

that’s all i can think of rn….. 

but im always up for any famous/non-famous au and any amnesia au 

[kuroimarzipan]

questions 40-50 on the ask meme!!

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?

im that bitch w no license lmao..................

41: What was the last book you read?

the last star of deltora book...... i need to read more

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?

sorry when i hear the word gasoline i think of daddy yankee’s gasolina

43: Do you have any nicknames?

mari or mars, usually

44: What was the last film you saw?

hrm i actually cant remember lmao

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?

had some back pain for a while, got so unbearable i went n saw a physio about it. turns out i had a rib stuck the wrong way

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?

yeah when i was like. a lil kid

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?

fire emblem n overwatch tbh

48: What’s your sexual orientation?

pan with the plan

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?

ahh, high school.

50: Do you believe in magic?

im a witch lmao