#im so tired of my sister making her cry
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ezraphobic that my 20% jo anns coupon excludes the yarn I want >:(
#bookbird babbles#i was going to make a sister a baby blanket#but if im spending 100+ dollhairs on yarn it will be for my momther :)#luckily the sale goes until december lol bc i cannot dump that much on yarn right this second#BUT BY GOLLY I WILL DO THIS FOR MOMTHER#im so tired of my sister making her cry
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#thinking about death again bc my dad texted an update on my mum#apparently she got a blood transfusion and threw up. thrilling stuff. but it just nudges at my head#bc it just makes me think. when shes gone its going to leave a trace. the outline of a person#i dont kno why i find that so upsetting. i just think about all the half completed scrapbooks that will whither away in my sisters old room#and it makes me cry. shell leave behind her incomplete scrapbooks. half tumbled rocks. containers of sea glass and lucky stones. digital#conversation thatll never be responded to. shoes and clothes#and memories. evidence of of a life no longer there to live it#and it just makes me sad i guess. i dunno. theres something sad about a project that will never be finished#a project doomed to be forgotten because it was only ever in the care of one person#but thats how it goes. what is is. nothing to be done about it but feel that sadness#i dunno. my head is full of static and frustration for unrelated reasons#but death pokes at my head during the day and i lose my already unsteady focus in an effort not to cry#im tired and sad and wishing my medication was working better#shes not even dead yet. im pulling a roman r0y and pre grieving. except for reals#unrelated
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My relationship with my mom has come such a long way in the past few years only to come crashing down the second I try to do something nice for my dad and/or acknowledge that she is not the main character of the universe ://
#i tried to ask her if she wanted to get sushi with us for fathers day (48 hours away) and she said 'yeah unless something happens'#and i was like 'okay well the website says they wont seat us unless we're a full party' and she was like 'maybe ill make it maybe i wont'#then hung up on me#THEN texted me like 'just put me down for a no.. i cant decide this on less than a moments notice and you clearly dont want me there anyway#and 'thats the answer you wanted right? 😘'#fucking GOD FORBID i try to do something nice for my dad on FATHERS DAY after not being able to see him for several months#bc hes been flying to and from IL every couple of weeks to care for his dying father#and the saddest part is that for mothers day or her birthday or anything like that my dad is always the person bringing it up first#to my sister and me to make sure we can all plan something that will make her feel special and appreciated#and meanwhile my mom acts like a fucking toddler the second the attention is not on her for 2 seconds#'im tired and so busy and you gave me no time to decide' i literally would have given you a few hours to think about it if youd communicate#instead you passive aggressively imply i hate you because im doing something nice for someone else#ALSO you are not the only person on the goddamned planet that is busy and overwhelmed right now like are you KIDDING#i want to cry#personal
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continuation to this post:
Meg who unintentionally and absolutely illogically gets worried when Lester gets sick after the ghoul incident and he doesn't really understand why would she do that
until he does
#meg will fidget with literally anything and stare at him non stop#and ask him so much questions which is strange (why would she ask so much questions; why she asks him to make a stop; why she stares at hi#as if he will disappear; why she frowns so much at him? he is fine?)#so she asks him questions OR doesn't ask them at all just looking at him because he is tired and sick and how for the fuck he i—#—what if he will die? she can't lose him not again he almost died je was so pale she can't lose him again its going to he her fault—#and lester doesn't really understand why she seems so unnerved but tries so hard not to show it until he stops to yk stretch or smthng and#and practically blanks out and all he can hear is his little sister's voice why it is so small why it sounds so scared is she crying why—#why would she cry he is fine why is his cheeks wet ow that hurts and then he gets conscious and realises after a pause what had happened an#and sees meg that is so so scared and oh gods im sorry i didn't mean to scare you whats wrong why are you crying—#oh#and lester will get it after some time and try to make sure that she is okay that my dear meg is not your fault i am fine just a#a little tired and its okay shhhh#i am a sucker for when lester is sick af#the author is also sick with harsh flu is had fever (39°C) for 2 days straight but now is getting better#toa#lester papadopoulos#meg mccaffrey#sunflower siblings#love them#and they love each other#platonically
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I'm starting to question if I should even bother with the stupid paper.... I'm probably just gonna fail anyways lmao
#ive been running around stuck on Babysitter Duty for the past three days and the teacher only gave us any instructions on thursday yet#somehow expected a full paper done and edited by sunday. even if i wasnt stuck on babysitter duty she'd get a shitty paper just due to how#little TIME that is to get things done. but because i am on babysitter duty uhhh..... well so far there's no paper#ive been spending practically full days having to take care of my sister and i cant just Ignore Her so i havent done my paper while watchin#her because again: my focus needs to be on Her. and shes incredibly loud which makes it super hard to focus. fun combo /s#so i was like 'i'll just stay up Really Late and do it then' but that hasn't worked because my sister WONT GO TO BED if im awake. i was up#until 4am last night hoping she'd fall asleep and shut up and i could work but Nope!#and then i got too tired to even care anymore#i've tried explaining this to others and they're just like 'ok well you just need to find a way to make it work :/' which is very much#easier said than done! and im scared about this paper because this teacher doesnt accept late work at all for pretty much any reason#and im sure she wont understand my situation. because shes also the teacher that didnt understand that i didnt have the textbook on time#because it was still being shipped and i dont control the rate at which book ships and she was like#'..........okay well you still need to have the book by tomorrow at least <3' when i told her the book had Just shipped and idk when i'd ge#the dumb thing. so yknow i dont have high hopes about this#also just as extra 'make stuff more difficult' i have zero accommodations because my mom cant keep track of my fucking IEPs and they wont#let me have accommodations unless i have that and idk how to get a copy anymore. so i've also been running around with no help in that area#and it's not great </3#idk im just stressed out and frustrated and i Want To Cry :)#vent
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My sister’s graduation day 😤 let’s go 👏🏽
#gosh it’s gonna be a long day and I’m running on two hours of sleep again#i only get the chance to work at night because I don’t have ✨privacy✨#and I’ve been going to bed late and waking up even more tired than usual and my mom’s been scolding me for it#and now I’ve had to tell her what I’m doing and I feel like I just gave another piece of me away again#everything I am everything I do has to be for other people#im so tired when will I give my last piece away 🥹#this was to make ME proud of ME I was doing it for myself and now I feel like it’s for her#and then she’s going to tell my dad and now it’s for him too#also I can’t even cry about it because she HAS to know why I’m upset#she keeps glancing up at me and talking to me in bits#all I have left is my emotions 🥹#anyhow sorry to start the day off so gloomy and depressing I have literally nothing to be sad about I’m very privileged#sorry you guys see me being a baby constantly 🥺 I really do have a good life and shouldn’t be complaining#here’s to a better day for us all#melifails#now i feel like a jerk subjecting you all to this😭 sorry sorry let’s move on#im gonna be a busy bee hopefully I can squeeze in a time for a nap#😭 I don’t waaaaaannnnnaaa sit for hours in the California heat MAYBE with the sun hitting us in the face#our football field is NOT kind in this way#hopefully my sister gets the shady side but even then the sun will hit us in the face eventually just not as long#im !!! excited!!!! I bought ice cream for today 👏🏽 I originally bought choco chip and minto moose tracks?? my sister loves mint flavor#so I bought mint Oreos too so she can eat them with her ice cream 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽#i assume we’re getting take out of some sort so that; ice cream; and uuuuuuu I don’t remember anything else I bought; my best friend did#bring us snacks yesterday!!! pretzels and cookies!!! so that!!!#okay brain no work no more I gotta get dressed love you muah muah muah
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As nice as my grandparents can act, they really are assholes about things that count p
#everyone got a cross necklace in our stocking except for my sister#bc shes gay#also my grandparents just dont believe im bi#and everyone is sitting in the kitchen eating#but my sister and her fiance and i are all alone in the living room#theyd be all alone if i was sitting at the kids table#also when i went to get seconds my papa moved the bowl while i was still getting food#and said more?? i told him yeah this is the only food im eating#i wanted to cry lmao#funny how one comment can make me want to purge 👍👍#ANYway#yeah im so tired of them
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not to be dramatic but im about to kill myself
#suicide#director'a commentary: no it won't#had to cancel my plan bc my sister just decided to not come home today n ive been so upset all day#held it in all day n now it's crying time baby#i don't know why I'm putting so much effort into connecting w her when she doesn't return it#im tired man i just wanna make my family actually feel like a family instead of a bunch of strangers related by blood#but whatever im going to sleep
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I need insane amounts of therapy
#i still can't stop crying#and also! got stuck at the door again checking if its locked#and to try to get myself away from them i hit ny head against the wall#im so exhausted#and now my sister and her bf saw me crying yippee i feel like shit#i feel like my mental issues are making their visit here worse#whatever is fucking wrong with me makes me unbearable to be around#i hate my stupid fucking brain i wish i could fucking take it out of my head and smash it against a wall#i hate being so useless and at the same time having to do everything#i hate that im nkt able to funcion properly#im tired and in a bad mood for a while and my brain gets stupid again#getting stuck checking the door. not being able to stop crying. hitting myself#i have no control over my own fucking mind and body and im so tired of that#bee buzz
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#crying and watching bluey bc my mom and sister are being not nice to me :(#i would just like. 5 minutes of positive attention PLEASE#between spending the morning with Autism Brain wondering if my coworkers might not like me bc im not acting normal somehow#to my mom and sister nitpicking my facial expressions and my mom absolutely SCREAMING bc i walked away frm the convo#its just. to go from ur mom treating any minor criticism of her behaviour as a massive attack on her character#to seeing bingo the little cartoon dog tell her dad not to play rough w her and him going 'i'm sorry. lets see how we can make it better'#yeah man im bawling#i just want to move out and be financially stable and make my cartoons so *i* can choose when i see my family#she was fine all day i dont know why shes acting suddenly like i hate her or something? i'm so tired
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every day on this trip is worse
#i can not stand my sister at all i truly can't#she's been yelling and arguing for 10 minutes because she has her hair straightner but mum doesnt have a plug converter#and she keeps yelling ab how her fringe is fucked when it looks literally the same as it has this entire trip#and is yelling ab how its mums fault as if she couldn't have bought this shit herself before we left#i am just. so over this#any fun that would come from being on an international trip is immediately taken away by my mum and sister constantly getting angry#and either yelling or getting passive aggressive and making me feel horrible its just so tiring#bc i feel like such a fucking asshole for not enjoying an international trip that i will never get the opportunity for again#like this cost so much money and it feels awful to say i dont want it or that its not fun or whatever#but i am constantly dissociating and trying not to cry and ive had meltdowns and panic attacks almost every day but im not allowed to show#them bc my sister tells me to calm down and not be so dramatic and everything is a sensory nightmare#and i have a very specific diet at home and its not available outside of nz and there arent really any worthy substitutes and even if there#are i wont know bc i dont speak the languages so im just living on shitty little protien drinks and hot chocolate which makes me feel worse#and on top of it all im sick and i havent had any chance to rest bc my sister wont stop ab going places and doing thingd#and gets pissy if i dont want to#and its just so fucking difficult i knew that being stuck w them for 2 months would suck but its been 1 week and i cant do this anymore#i have no other option but i seriously don't know what to do i don't know how to handle this im at my limit#travelling is stressful and anxiety inducing and its hard enough doing it once on my own#let alone every 2 or 3 days w family that rushes and runs late and has 10000 bags that never fucking fit on the trains#and its always me left standing in the aisle blocking peoples path with nowhere to go bc my sisters giant suitcase wont fit anywhere#i hate this so much and its making me hate all the cities and countries we go to bc i dont get to experience the places i only get#to experience fucking breakdowns and im constantly drinking water bc im constantly dehydrated from either crying or panicked breathing#its a mess and i hate it and i want to go home I haven't felt comfortable or safe since i left home and i wont feel either until i go back#but that isnt until the last couple days of january so i just have to keep dealing with things getting worse by the day#negative cw#rant cw#ask to tag cw
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Sorry for yesterday me bein weird, mom was bein weird and keep spouting hateful shit around me and only me which dampened my mood. Sorry
#ignorelist#she keeps talking about how no one take cares of the cat and keep thretening to throw them#even though i have been taking care of it#she also says she hates me dad sister but i dont think she hates my brother because hey he got successful or smthn#she also threatened to not pray if i didnt pray as if i would care that her ass goes down to hell#beside iam planning to be an atheist soon so good luck mom with that haha#idk im just tired with her#is it bad?#listen i love my mom but she always make me feel bad#i really want to help i really do but im tired#im tired seeing him crying onto me#im so tired#i still remember when she tried to off herself lmao#i wish dad did something
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Vent
Tw: sewerslide and SH
#....i really miss being 4yrs without a care in the world and my family loved each other so purely#fuck its not fair that she does this to me#im shaking over how upset this is making me#i cant always be the one at fault thats IMPOSSIBLE and not fair#she sees it as im lazy n dont like being told to do stuff#i see it as she literally picks on me everytime her health anxiety gets to her or her fiance......i watch it happen like fuckin clockworm#but im the bad guy im the lazy emotional youngest sibling whos life was sooooooo perfect cus mom n dad treated me different#I WAS HIGHLY AUTISTIC#im sorry that you wanna feel special so you gotta pretend my life was just so great cus i got extra attention#I NEEDED EXTRA ATTENTION#Dad did his best to make us all feel equal and you know thst#i du no im jjst fucking done with the littlw comments#i read over my dads shoulder so i already knew but my sister brought up what he said to her before sending me here since the waters broke#he said “please dont say anything to her she has enough on her plate”#and she just got all snippy with me about it#....i literally came to your house with 3 big slashes on my arm when do i get a fucking break from the picking????#next time ill do both my arms maybe then shell have nice emptions for me#im literally frozen in my seat sweating cus of how upset im trying not to bw#its very rare she has a soft moment with me and she completely ignores my scars or my mental health#shes now crying in the other room......#like....i dont even know what to do abymore its not fair im always the bad guy#i shouldnt have to deal with a shitty attitude ontop of the other stuff i got going on#its like shes allowed to stab me but i even react to the pain suddenly im a horrible person#its times like these i just wanna end myself cus im tired of trying so hard and having no one to unmask with#im constantly performing for other people only to not get the same energy back im SO tired#update: i escaped#i love my sister but when shes struggling she acts bitchy towards me and thats not fair#literally did the oppisite of what my dad asked her lmao#i bet she stopped crying and is now finding any lil mistake to bitch about#now im blasting sad music into my ears in hopes of not spiraling
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being a lesbian is so lonelyy
#im tired of crying about it#im tired of feeling out of place all the time#funnily enough chappell roan has really helped#reminding me that it's not just me and it's just inherently part of the experience#and that there's nothing wrong with me#her songs make me feel so seen it's so silly#im slowly getting more and more proud of being a dyke but it's such a slow process#my sisters accept me though and that makes me so unbelievably happy#i just gotta own it ig i don't want to feel ashamed anymore#anyways i bought wine for tonight as a treat for myself :)#txt
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Don't you wish the good times could last forever?
#i have to go to fuckin school next week#i was free this week cause ive been with my sister ather apt near her university#but now im going back#what if i cried#please dont make me go dude#let me have fun let me live#i wouldnt even have a problem with going back if it werent for school#thats it thats my entire problem#school is such a fucking nightmare#if im not pulling my hair out and crying by the end of the school year itll be a christmas miracle#i literally already want to cry just thinking about it#SCHOOL IS A LIVING HELL#ITS A WAKING NIGHTMARE#I HATE ALL MY TEACHERS AND EVEYR SINGLE PERSON IN MY GRADE IS AN ABSOLUTELY ASS PERSON#IM LITERALLY SO FUCKING SICK AND TIRED OF THIS SHIT I DONT EVEN CARE IF I GET EXPELLED AT THIS POINT#PLEASE EXPEL ME I DONT FUCKING WANT TO BE HERE ANYWAY#YOU THINK IM GONNA BE SAD BITCH IM HAVING A FUCKING PARTY#LET ME LEEEAAAAVVVVEEEE#anyway yeah i wish i coukd stay here forever and NOT go to school
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I need a low stress environment SO BADLY right now
NO STRESS
#living with and being forced to raise kids that are NOT YOURS is insanity#why are you the child coming to me the sister when your mother IS RIGHT THERE#im literally not anyone mom#im so tired of playing mother#im tired of being responsible for these kids in any way other than me taking them out and being their guardian#im not babysitting your children's#i live here#leave me the fuck alone#if you need them watched over hire a damn babysitter#i just needed a place to stay because theres no way i can afford to live anywhere#im just so tired of it#so so so tired im tired of my mom treating me like a second parent#when i have told her time and time again i DONT WANT TO#the only reason i do is because all they do is scream at each other and nothing gets fixed and it makes it HELL to live here#i dont want to stand by and watch two children become insufferable idiot adults#all because my mom wont go look for answers on how to raise children#im so mad i could fucking cry
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