#im so sorry this is so fucking long

[zombehfaggot]

Hey!

I think I'm probably in love and that's pretty scary

When exactly do you pin point that? Like there's been a few times where my heart was like uhuuuh, now? And I was like well. Hm?¿

I think.. well.

i think there are people i have not met yet, that are going to be my all time favorite people. people come and go.. and you just... never know what role someone is going to play in your life? and.. i keep thinking.. about sitting on the bus.. coming home from away games at night, in 20fucking13. and now i stuck my hand in your pants. and 2013 nickel would just go WHAT she'd go YOU DID FUCKING WHAT. and i'd go YEAH I STUCK MY HAND IN THERE I SURE DID. AND I LIKED IT. AND THIS REALTIONSHIP IS FUCKING GREAT and well. baby nickel would just go. bitch. what the fuck.

and thats the THING I cannot go back in time and experience being in the 10th grade and being your friend. or the 11th grade. i cant go back and know what it was like to pass you in the hallway. i feel so weird because like. the signs gotta be there. somewhere hidden back in the past. i do remember the first few foreshawdowings of you. but like. some of them are so foggy and old now. just.. like prom nickel. knew you had feelings for me but. man i was so obsessed with jade. i think one of the first and clearest times i remember being like "shit" was graduation. because you were so fucking beautiful and i was like... shit. youre so beautiful.

and at kylies birthday party when you layed in my lap. and i was like lol im gay. gay for jade. but now you really do lay in my lap!! in my apartment and i DO play with your hair!!! this really is my life!!! 201...6? nickel woud GO WHAT? IM DOING WHAT? yes! baby! you are!

and like when i knew for reals you had feelings for me and i walked out of your moms office and told nathan i thought i liked you. bc you make me stupid and quiet and nervous. thats the biggest and clearest foreshadow. moving in here. is the big fucking flag.

and then the first time we hung out. silence. i think about this all the fucking time bc i cant believe. how stupid gay youve been for me, and how stupid gay ive been for you. and everything leading up to this point.

am just now considering maybe you dont want people to read about my hand being in your pants but like this is tumblr and idk what to tell you.

i just know youre so special that its scary. youre so real its scary. and i think its kinda easy to just put on sunglases(with a rug) and like.. be blind about it. because its so much. and so overwhelming and so real. i love you so much. this could really be THE relationship. and thats fucking scary.

and then i get sad cause like what if its not? i know my big strong /i can take care of myself/ attitude is like ITS WHATEVER ITLL BE FINE but my heart will be fucking crushed. so i literally dont think about it. because i think itll be a heart break i havent felt since 2009/2011ish.

but at the same time you gotta stay grounded because things happen for a reason. and i know were making a huge impact on each others lives even if this isnt happily ever after.

this turned into a vomit post and im so sorry for wheoever is scrolling away from this on their dash lmfao.

im gunna go lay down now but like... im probably in love with you and thats just.. the right in front of me truth. and its not like it happened yesterday, its been building up over several months, just like nickel this time last year told me it would. and she was right. and here we are. bc it be like that sometimes.