#im so so so grateful i was able to go it really was the exact thing i needed in that exact moment

[re-decorate]

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[knavesflames]

chat this contains sh DO NYAT read if uncomfy

putting this in ur ask box cos im desperate for it to be written on my knees screaming

genshin girlies tracting their s/os skin where they see scars while u cuddle naked maybe after a sesh or even just skin to skin cuddling and they speak softly telling you you did a good job and everything and even kissing them AUGH HEHEHRHEHEGRGEGRGRGRGRBDJFJSLANHAHA

Hi <3 sorry this took me so long to get to! I have had a whirlwind of health struggles both mental and physical but I am trying to Lock In again. I’m sorry you went through such tough times :( I understand, and I get the struggle, if you get what I’m implying. Stay safe and healthy fr<3

Word count: 867

Content: sh implied in the past but it’s not graphic, just briefly mentioned, talk of scars, fluff

tw utc

Arlecchino has a rule— as blunt as she may be, she isn’t as cruel as the world likes to make her out to be. Judgemental, though she is, she refuses to comment on something that a person cannot change. She deems it basic decency (it is), but even some of the most polite people she knows don’t hesitate before speaking, or, well, looking. Despite the discomfort she knows you experience when people’s eyes wander and dwell on the exact thing you don’t want them to look at, she herself has never done so. Curious, she has to admit she has been, as would most be if they had a girlfriend with such marks littering her skin. Purely out of concern and care does she wish to know the story of what led you to make such decisions. She does not ask. Arlecchino herself has scars from countless hours of training herself to execute ‘Mother’, ones she keeps hidden under the fabric of her pristine white suit. Ones only you have seen, during moments of intimacy when the night is dark and the air in the room is so suffocatingly warm. You know her story, so you don’t ask.

It seems to be a cycle. She sees them, says nothing, and holds back from doing what she’d really like to do for fear of being insensitive or revealing the softness she keeps hidden. The marks are hidden again, and neither of you say a word. In truth, they shouldn’t be the main focus of the conversation and she understands that, but a part of her yearns to know you, and to understand the parts of you that you’ve refused to reveal.

On the days she catches you staring just a little too longingly at That Drawer in the kitchen, or the days where you seem a little more miserable than usual when you glance at your skin, she’s sure to pull you away from the mirror or the kitchen under the guise of needing you to look over some of the plans for the orphanage, or needing to go shopping. She’s so good at doing so, you don’t even notice she’s done it until hours later.

One particular night, after multiple hours of pleasure and mumbled words of affection, she decides to be bold. Hesitantly, her blackened hand reaches to rest on your thigh. The act itself is nothing new, with you, Arlecchino is a very touchy person, always reminding both her and you that you’re hers. Her thumb however, strokes over one particular scar she’s eyed for a while. It’s a feather light touch, testing the waters, and she’s perfectly prepared to lift her hand away should you indicate as such. You do not. You lean into her touch, almost, like you’ve been waiting for her to get comfortable enough to touch them. You become lost in your own thoughts, and you become unaware of how much time passes before her voice cuts through them, as stern as always, but softer than usual.

“Is this recent?” She hums in slight disapproval as her thumb grazes over it, but she says nothing more, which, if you’re honest, you’re grateful for.

“I had a moment,” you mutter in reply, your head buried into her neck. Her perfume still adorns her skin, and you wonder how expensive said perfume must be if it’s been able to last such a long time, and through such strenuous activity. “I realised and I stopped.”

“Good.” A breath, and her voice lowers until it’s barely louder than a murmur. The sincerity is there though, and her lips move against your hair. “I am proud of you. You have done well.”

“I have not done well, it is—“

“You would not have stopped four years ago. Or two, for that matter. Any progress is better than no progress.” Arlecchino’s voice is gentle, yet unwavering. When you go to protest again, she can practically see the words form before your voice can carry them. “Of course I know how often you were doing it. I am no fool. I said nothing because begging someone to stop doing something when they do not wish to stop is a fruitless endeavour and harmful for both parties in the long run. I just wished you would speak to me if you needed.”

You decide to continue letting her trace every scar she finds on your body. She traces random shapes with the tip of her nail (lucky for you, she filed them a while ago. For.. other reasons). In a moment of affection, she traces little hearts over each one, never missing one, and never giving one more care than another. Both of you stay silent, but the words don’t need to be spoken, and any words that did, have already been said. Arlecchino sees no need in making you uncomfortable when she knows you’ll speak if you need.

Speak you do, eventually, and she remains silent as she listens, giving the occasional nod or ‘mm’ to reassure you that she’s listening. She files all of the information away into her mind, and vows to herself she won’t forget a single word. Arlecchino vows she will love you always.

[pastanest]

if you’re wondering why I’m having to repost this, or why you were perhaps previously following me but no longer are, please refer to this post. I was able to retrieve this thanks to @dreatine - thanks so much!! ♡

Spencer Reid x she/her!reader

Always Been You

It was around 3am when Spencer’s phone awoke him. He recalls it being around 3am rather than a specific time because the sound that greeted him in consciousness was your favourite song, which he had selected as your ringtone, and the fact that you had called him at a time when he had been sleeping meant that he was already far too distracted by thoughts of you to take notice of what the exact time was. For a genius, and for someone who takes as much notice of every little thing as Spencer can, this action alone was enough to give away how head over heels in love with you he was. By the fifth word of the first line of the song, Spencer had answered your call, and before he could utter a word, the sound of your sobs getting caught in your throat caused his entire body to malfunction, reboot, and go on full alert in under a second.

“Spencer...h-he’s gone!” You managed to say before bursting into tears again.

Of course, your best friend on the other end of the phone knew actually who and what you were referring to.

“I’ll be there in five minutes and thirty two seconds, count for me, I’ll stay on the line.” Spencer encouraged as he practically flew out of bed, knowing that his presence and having you count would be two much needed distractions for your state of panic.

“O-Okay.” You answered, while Spencer clumsily shoved his feet into a loose pair of shoes.

“1, 2, 3...” You began, your best friend throwing on a shirt and expertly holding the phone to his ear using his shoulder so that he could hear you, and respond to you immediately if you had any reason to stop counting.

“...9, 10...” And he was out the door, bounding down the hall of his apartment block to the elevator, knowing you needed him more then ever.

“...60, 61, 62...” Spencer had reached his car, and he was reversing out of the parking lot with a determination that made him a force to be reckoned with if any irritable 3am drivers sought to interrupt his journey.

“...116, 117, 118...” He was almost halfway to your apartment and he could hear that your breathing had calmed considerably, your voice quieter in between sniffles.

“Im still here, it’s alright. Keep counting for me, you’ve got this.” Spencer told you, his tone soft as he spoke into the silence left by you pausing your count.

“Thank you.” The words were broken, and so sad, but always grateful, and with that you continued.

Another two minutes passed before Spencer found himself pulling up outside your apartment block. Despite the rush he was in, he did his best to shut his car door quietly, because he knew you liked to have the window open whatever the weather and he didnt want to risk frightening you with a loud noise, even if it was three floors below the room in which you were crying.

“...243, 244, 245...” Your voice spoke in Spencer’s ear as he bounded through the doors of your apartment block.

He stood at the elevator, tapping his foot and jumping on the spit impatiently, before deciding that he couldnt wait the two extra seconds, and he headed for the stairs. By the time he reached your door, Spencer realised that his estimation of how long it would take for him to reach you was a little inaccurate, which again goes to show how much worrying about you really affects him.

“...307, 308, 309...” He was reaching for the spare key hidden on top of your door frame, the one that was reserved just for him.

“...3110, 311, 312, 3-”

And then he was face to face with you, the rest of the number lost to the silence as your eyes met his. Spencer’s gaze focussed only on the image of you, curled up on the floor by the window, wearing a soft pyjama set that he knew to be one of your favourites, in your arms you clutched a picture frame close to your chest, but Spencer couldnt see the picture within it because you had it as near to your heart as you could get it.

Seeing Spencer, you released the picture frame, but it fell against your chest, continuing to conceal whichever photograph you were treasuring. You held your arms out to him, and he knew it was safe for him to run to you without scaring you, so he did just that. Once he was within grabbing distance, you took ahold of his face in your hands, your tearful eyes searching his. Spencer noticed this was something you always did upon being upset in front of him, he never asked why and you never explained, but he realised that in your moments of distress, being able to see that he was alright was reassuring to you, and that warmed his heart. He held your hands against his face, gently tracing his thumbs over your knuckles.

“I overestimated, it only took five minutes and thirteen seconds to get here, Im sorry I made you think it would take longer.” Spencer apologised, his voice careful.

Rather than replying, you simply shook your head, indicating that you saw no reason for him to be sorry, but Spencer was not comforted by your lack of response.

“Talk to me, buttercup.” He used your favourite nickname that only he ever called you, and that was all it took.

Your lip began to tremble, your chin wobbling with it as tears clouded the view of Spencer almost to unrecognisable. Almost. But he knew you so well, and he was quick to assess what you needed as soon as he could; before a single tear fell, you found yourself in his lap, your face in his chest and his arms holding you tightly. You sobbed into his chest, unable to form a single word, and he was smart enough - even when in love - to know that now was not the time to ask questions. Instead, it was the time for comfort, and he was always ready to offer that to you in whatever form you needed. He ran his fingers through your hair, drew patterns on the back of your pyjama shirt with his fingertips, rocked you back and forth in his lap while shushing you gently as your tears soaked through his shirt. It was only then, Spencer glanced around your apartment.

Mess. All he saw was mess. Shelving units had been pushed over, glass ornaments you adored were reduced to shattered pieces in the floor, the wooden table had a hole punched through it and the chairs had been thrown at the walls. If Spencer didnt know enough about the situation already, he would assume that you had been robbed, or someone had attempted to take you. Instead, someone had gotten angry and destroyed the things you worked hard to buy. The ornaments that you never failed to tell Spencer about every time he came over, which all had unique stories of the garage sales or antique auctions you’d found them at. The table and chairs that you had used to treat Spencer to countless homecooked recipes that you had just learnt. Well, you would say countless, Spencer would say 56.

Within the mess, though, Spencer noticed something odd. Not a single picture frame had been taken off the walls, nor had any photograph you displayed on a shelf been damaged. Every picture of you and the man Spencer hated more than anything in the world, was still intact. So what was the photograph that you were still keeping close to your chest?

That wasnt important, not then at least. He needed to get you out of that environment, that was his priority.

“Do you want to stay with me tonight? There’s shattered glass everywhere, it’d take at least another hour to clear it all up until it was safe to walk around, and you need to get some rest.”

All he got in response was a nod against his chest, and that was enough. Without any further questions, Spencer helped you to your feet and then lifted you to carry you bridal style, which he would have done even if you werent barefoot in a room with glass all over the floor. He carried you to your room and gently placed you on the bed, where you sat up and immediately reached for his hand. Squeezing it gently, Spencer gave you a reassuring smile, and you managed the weakest of smiles back. He kept ahold of your hand as he found your over night bag, which he packed with items you would need, each of which he showed you and waited for you to give a nod of approval before he placed them in the bag. Once the bag was packed, Spencer helped you into a pair of shoes and you stood, placing the picture frame face down on your bed while he held out a jacket for you. The photograph was back in your arms as soon as the jacket was on.

On the way back to Spencer’s apartment, he put your playlist on to fill the silence with something he knew you enjoyed, and one of your hands kept ahold of his arm as you stared out of the window in a daze, the picture frame locked under your other arm.

When you arrived at your destination, Spencer opened your door for you and helped you out, sensing that the whole situation had exhausted you substantially. You walked slightly behind him, holding onto his arm, like a child being led back to their room by a grownup after a nightmare, exhausted but kept awake by the fear that loomed over you.

It wasnt the first time you had stayed the night at Spencer’s. Prior to getting into a relationship, sleepovers with your best friend were a regular occurrence, despite spending all day everyday at each other’s sides at work, sometimes that wasnt enough. Sometimes, you both needed your best friend for just a little longer. But that hadnt happened for a long time, for the year and a half you were in a relationship you hadnt visited Spencer at all. He had stayed at your place for dinner multiple times, but you never visited him, always making up an excuse when he tried to invite you over, because unlike you, when Spencer was at your house he had the strength to leave. But as you stepped into his apartment, memories flooded your mind. The countless times you had played boardgames together sat on the floor of his living room, how you’d helped him paint the walls and hang new pictures up, the mass of books he let you borrow from that bookshelf, the dinners and desserts you cooked in that kitchen, and the laughter. The chorus of yours and his laughter sounded faint and distant, but not out of reach.

Spencer led you to his room and opened his closet.

“You can take anything for a change of clothes, and if you’d like to have a shower, it’s all yours. Make yourself at home.”

You smiled weakly. “I’ve missed home.”

Spencer’s face visually fell at the meaning behind your words. This was what you regarded as home, not your own place with your boyfriend of over a year. What Spencer didnt realise was that he had in fact misunderstood you. His apartment want your home, he was.

Once you’d taken a shower, you re-entered Spencer’s room and started flicking through the clothes in his closet. You settled for a shirt that you had seen him wear more times than you could count, it felt the most him, and as soon as you slipped it over your head, his scent enveloped you.

Your best friend knocked on the door lightly, and you called to him to come in, which he did, a small smile on his face. That smile grew exponentially when he saw you wearing his shirt, despite him expecting the sight, nothing could have prepared him for it. Spencer noticed the picture frame that you had left face down on his bed, and he frowned curiously, walking over to it without looking at you. The sound of your heartbeat filled your ears, and as he lifted the frame to turn it over in his hands and see the picture it held, you froze in place. Spencer had expected to see a picture of you and your ex, assuming that you were clinging to a happy memory. The latter was correct, but the happy memory you were clinging to was Spencer’s 27th birthday, three years ago, which consisted solely of a sleepover at your place, bundled up in blankets, just the two of you. It was at the end of the first movie that you pulled out a disposable camera you had bought for the occasion, and the two of you smiled together, laughing slightly at your effort to hide the disposable camera all that time. You had gotten the picture printed large enough to fill a picture frame, which Spencer now held in his hands, staring down at the picture, slightly distorted by the broken glass that sat in front of it. He was about to ask why you had treasured that photograph in particular, but before he could, he heard you sniffle, and Spencer forgot any question he had.

“H-He broke it! Everything that involved you! All of it! E-Everything that made me feel at home.” You blurted out hurriedly, stumbling over your words as tears stung your eyes.

Spencer took two quick strides to reach you and pull you into his arms.

“Why did he do that?” He asked, not understanding why your ex would destroy things that meant so much to you that all specifically linked to him.

“B-Because he knew, he f-figured it out!” You cried, the tears falling freely from your stinging eyes. Spencer gently moves you to his bed and keeps you in his arms as you both lower yourselves to sit on the edge of it, with the photograph on Spencer’s lap. He carefully pulled away from you, just enough to see your face, and the pain on your countenance as you cried broke his heart.

“What did he figure out?” He asked quietly, his curiosity eating him alive.

At first, you didnt answer, you couldnt, the words were too heavy, too full of a meaning that scared you so much. But you knew it was time. The truth had been suffocating you for far too long, and after attempting to distance yourself from it in the hopes it would simply evaporate, you knew the truth was sticking around. So, in the quietest, most vulnerable voice that had ever passed your lips, you told him.

“It’s always been you.”

Spencer’s mind went blank. He was a smart man, a genius, and his extensive knowledge on everything included the art of what it means when things are left unsaid, the weight such short phrases can have. If he had heard this as an outsider, if he wasnt directly involved, he would know exactly what those words meant. But it was you, it was him, and he could not believe that you had intended to say the words he’d been dying to hear.

“What do you mean?”

His question was innocent and curious, but you couldnt help laughing. Of course his mind would short circuit at the one time you didnt want to elaborate. Spencer couldnt help but notice the conflict in his heart at seeing you chuckle through your tears.

“Since the start, it’s always been you. I thought it was simple at first, something I’d just get over, but everyday I got to know you better, everyday I learnt more amazing things from you and about you. You became my favourite person in less than a day, stole my heart the second you introduced yourself, and you had the audacity to hold onto it for all these years. When I met him and there was a shred of a spark, I threw myself at it, desperate to find something that wasnt as doomed as my feelings for you. But it was never going to work. Keeping myself away from you as much as I did only hurt me more, the feelings I had no longer brought excitement and butterflies, instead painful sadness because I was even less likely to have your heart in return for giving you mine. H-He figured it out, he accused me of being in love with you, and when I couldnt deny it... he, he lost it, to say the least. Broke e-everything that reminded him of you. I-I didnt mean to hurt him Spencer, I did love him, I did, but not enough, I could never love anyone else, because it’s you. It’s always been you.”

By the end of your speech, your tears had slowed, and Spencer understood that talking about him in any capacity was enough to calm you, which warmed his heart. Your words were sinking in, slowly, and he processed them so quickly his head was spinning.

“Why did you think your feelings for me were hopeless?” Spencer questioned, that particular sentence not making sense to him.

You shook your head and met his eyes “Really, Spencer? Do you honestly think Im delusional enough to believe I had even a fraction of a chance with you? You’re a perfect genius, and Im just...me.”

It was Spencer’s turn to chuckle. “The only correct thing you just said is that you are you. The only person that laughs at my stupid jokes, the only person to smile and encourage my rants and fact-explosions, the only person to actually like me enough for me to believe it, the only person who makes me light up at the mention of her name, the only person I have ever felt safe enough to give me heart to. You are you, and you, (Y/N), are everything I’ve ever dreamed of, and so, so much more.”

Your heart skipped a beat. Or did it stop completely? You couldnt tell, you were too busy floating up into the clouds, ready to take your place among the stars, because you were glowing just like them. You stared at Spencer, fresh tears filling your eyes, but this time there was no pain in sight. Instead, a wide grin spread across your face, which Spencer reflected back at you. Soon enough, the two of you were laughing, unable to comprehend how ridiculous you had both been to hide your feelings for so long, to go to such extents to distance yourselves, to not just say it. Once you had quietened down, a question hung in the air, an uncertainty regarding what was going to happen next, and you locked eyes, waiting, until...

“So, wanna go on a date sometime?”

[blookmallow]

hey who wants some fuckign. fallout oc lore

nobody, probably. is that going to stop me. absolutely not. here's everything you never needed to know about my new vegas courier (my first one/my main file, also my first time playing a fallout in the first place)

ive probably posted some of this somewhere before but heres the exhaustive info dump version. also heres some random picrews/dolls of her, the first one is the best one. her hair is supposed to be vaguely purple tinted but picrews never have that exact shade

Bonnie Sterling - The Courier. Lone Ranger of the Mojave wasteland

Nicknames: "Bon" on occasion. i want her to have a really cool nickname as a ghoul later in life but i cannot figure one out.

--

current plot status: Completed main storyline and every questline I could find. I went with independent vegas as my endgame but I don't think bonnie would've kicked the NCR out completely so I'm going with, she probably figured a way to negotiate a truce or something. mostly im just not thinking too hard about it since new vegas just sticks you in endgame limbo forever anyway since the game Ends when you do the final quest. Completed Dead Money and Old World Blues (but there might still be some bits left around that i didnt finish).

--

Faction Info:

NCR: Idolized. Works closely with them most of the time, but doesn't agree with everything they do.

The Kings: Idolized. Only faction she has explicitly joined. Has a close, unspecified relationship with the King. Regrets getting the NCR involved with them, but couldn't find a better solution without more bloodshed.

Caesar's Legion: Vilified. Kills legionnaires on sight. Hopes to one day take out every last one of them.

Brotherhood of Steel: Neutral. Stays out of their way, stays out of their business. Has helped them out a few times, though. (I'll be honest I cannot figure out what the hell the brotherhood is doing or stands for or anything in new vegas so i just left that one alone)

Great Khans: Mostly neutral. Doesn't really like them, per se, but is able to maintain civility with them, and convinced them not to side with Caesar.

mostly if you support the legion, you're her enemy. otherwise, it pretty much boils down to "can you be reasonably negotiated with? then we're okay"

--

Family: Mother, Cathy Sterling (deceased; suicide.) Father, Russell "Rusty" Sterling (deceased; combination of illnesses over time. Bonnie thinks the radiation caught up with him in the end.)

Partner/s: Ex-wife, Jolene (Unofficially divorced. Status and location unknown.) Undefined ongoing Something with the King, but immediately deflects any questions asked about it. Unlikely to ever really get serious, though the King often claims he'll get her to marry him one day. he's probably joking, but then, maybe he's not. (no basis in canon for this but ive decided it. try and stop me)

Found Family: Ed-E (best friend forever. she takes it everywhere and is extremely protective of it). Arcade (practically a brother), Raul (close friend, reminds her of her grandfather. he's the only one she has left in her future ghoul days.) Doc Marten (like an uncle to her. she visits him often and is still grateful to him for saving her life.)

--

Notable Injuries: Gunshot wound to the head (Benny in the Goodsprings cemetery. scar, some neurological damage). Machete lacerations on her arm and neck (Benny in the deathmatch at Caesar's camp. Scars.) Frequent ongoing radiation poisoning and early stages of ghoulification. Lung damage due to smoking, wasteland life, and exposure to the red mist post-Sierra Madre. Suffers from PTSD from the Sierra Madre. Acquires a cybernetic heart and spine at Big MT. (I have not yet played the other DLCs so I don't know what ELSE is going to happen, )

--

Favorite Items: pool balls (i obsessively steal these every time i see one. i have so many), dinosaur toys, cigarettes, whiskey, mentats, sunset sarsaparilla. Will use any weapon she can get her hands on, but likes a good old fashioned pistol best.

--

Future: Never has children. Becomes a ghoul eventually, too stubborn to die and increasingly reckless with radiation over time - part mojave legend, part cryptid.

-----------------------------

Has some memory loss from the gunshot injury; probably has a few screws loose in general. Her hands shake sometimes and she gets frequent headaches. Often doesn't sleep for several days at a time.

chainsmoker. drinks a lot but can handle her liquor. has a bit of a mentats habit that only got worse after the brain injury. she isn't blatantly reckless, at least most of the time, but just doesn't care very much about her health. once you've survived getting shot in the head nothing really seems like that big of a risk anymore.

general attitude of Anything Goes - whatever happens will happen. whatever situations she finds herself in, she'll find herself out of, one way or another. or not, for that matter. she figures she won't be all that concerned about it if she's dead, anyway.

from oklahoma originally - you can definitely hear it in her accent

good at tinkering and figuring things out, but never had any kind of actual education or training - learned a lot from her father, though. she's taken to reading pre-war books about anything and everything when she comes across them. learned some combat training from her dealings in the NCR, and some functional medical knowledge from doc marten.

A drifter who just sort of wanders around looking for oddities, mysteries, people she can help, things to keep busy with. vaguely wants to find the men who wanted her dead - not really for revenge. just to know why. but ultimately she's just trying to live whatever kind of life she has left, and help whoever she can

has a very uncanny ability to solve problems by just asking nicely. she isn't particularly witty or charming - just really unsettlingly calm. something about her catches people off guard. she doesn't really fear anyone or anything, but knows when she's outnumbered or outmatched, and has no problem walking away. "pride's damn easy to swallow when y'keep it in a small enough pill."

isn't really on anyone's Side, but will do what she can to resolve conflict - she doesn't much care about who started it or why or who's right or who's wrong. she just thinks the world would be a little nicer if everyone stopped shooting at each other so much. she doesn't really hold grudges well, and nobody's too crazy for her to stop and listen to.

she does, however, occasionally find reasons to care. after she saw what the legion did to nipton, she's firmly against them, but also isn't interested in running after them with guns blazing. if she had an opportunity to help bring them down, though, she would. [HOWEVER: After the Sierra Madre, something broke in her. after surviving that, and having seen the NCR do nothing enough times, her long-suffering patience finally ran out. she took matters into her own hands, and with a stealth boy and a damn good gun, she broke into the legion camp and assassinated caesar herself, alone. one day she intends to go back to take out the rest of them.] ((yes i did do this. i don't know how i got out of there alive. i was really surprised by how little actually changed by doing this but i do still want to go back and try to kill the rest of them. fuck you legion))

can be very detached and cold hearted if pushed far enough. if she needs to kill you, she will.

can't stand the silence of the wilderness, so she listens to the radio near constantly. developing a complicated love-hate relationship with mr. new vegas, her oftentime only companion out in the desert. often listens to the black mountain station as well, following the drama and raving like her own personal soap opera (post tabitha plotline she misses it a lot. doesn't feel good about killing her)

hates underground/enclosed spaces and becomes mildly panicked if she feels trapped. hates vaults but knows there's often useful/interesting things in them, so she ends up exploring them anyway

has a habit of picking up odds and ends she finds around the wasteland and has filled her Novac apartment and half the lucky 38 with junk she swears could be useful one day, somehow. started collecting pool balls and has now practically developed a compulsion around them. seems to end up with another dinosaur every time she stops by the novac gift shop

frequently just jumps off railings/small cliffs because stairs take too long. this absolutely drives arcade up the wall and he hates trying to keep up with her. self preservation instinct sometimes just Doesn't

played guitar years ago. doesn't think she'd remember anymore, but some part of her hopes to find one someday to see if it's still in her somewhere. [post-sierra madre: she did find one, and against all odds managed to get it home. she didn't touch it for months, recovering from the trauma, but has started toying with it a little. she's not as good as she once was, but it's starting to come back.]

fiercely protective of ed-e, and never goes anywhere without it. (in my mind ed-e comes too even if she has other companions, game limitations be damned) doesn't really trust most people to travel with her for long. spends the most time with arcade and raul otherwise. (has traveled with veronica and cass briefly, but doesn't know either of them all that well, and doesn't really trust the brotherhood enough to let veronica very close. i havent really spent enough time with lily to decide what their dynamic is. i love her though)

brought a sarsaparilla star badge for primm slim. he loves it

also gives stars to all her companions and insists they wear them. refuses any explanation as to why. may in fact just be messing with them. she taped one on to ed-e as well.

as much as she loves arcade, kicked him out of the lucky 38 for stealing her rare nuka colas (this is canon. he did this to me.) raul is the only one who lives there. she doesn't really like sharing a living space, but the lucky 38 has plenty of room, and she trusts raul more than anyone else (and over time he becomes her oldest friend, given her eventual ghoul lifespan)

often sits and talks with no-bark. doesn't understand most of what he says, but she likes to listen anyway

stops to visit rotface every time she's in town. i wish i could be his friend i love him

sometimes goes to visit victor (or what's left of him) in goodsprings, even though for all she can tell, he's dead. treats his deactivated shell like a grave. doesn't understand what happened to him and can't figure out how to fix him.

--

was badly traumatized at Caesar's camp. seeing how many of them there were, talking to the slave women and seeing the pain and emptiness in their faces, hearing the cold laughter of the legionnaires and feeling their eyes on her did something to her. she felt scared for the first time in years. she was given her revenge, and it felt awful. after everything benny did to her, she felt nothing but disgusted with herself when he lay dead at her feet.

(note: I had intended to spare him here, but then discovered there was practically no way to get him out alive, and nothing actually happens from what ive read if you somehow do get him to survive. so like...... he's Supposed to die here. i decided the next most in character decision i could make was to at least make it a fair fight. i think that turned out to be more narratively interesting anyway) (i cant explain my feelings for benny. i don't know why i didn't want revenge. i don't know why i felt so empty after he was dead)

has deep scars across her neck and her arm from the machete duel. She still uses Benny's lighter, and refuses to talk about it.

she also suffered severe trauma in the Sierra Madre incident. she was fully delirious when she came back to the mojave, and managed to stumble her way to camp forlorn hope before she collapsed and remained unconscious for several days. the NCR medics weren't super she would make it. she finally awoke in a blind incomprehensible panic. after some time, she calmed down to a numb, raw emptiness, and still refused any explanation for where she had been or what had happened to her - just insisting to the point of desperation that she had to get home. She never talks about the Sierra Madre. Not to anyone. She has lasting lung damage from the effects of the Cloud to this day.

Wanders the wastes looking for Dog from time to time, but never saw him again. She has PTSD around beeping noises, and cannot stand feeling anything against her neck. Has fully torn collars off of her shirts just to relieve this anxiety before.

--

backstory

Only child. her mother cathy was a strange, melancholy woman who never smiled and was always ill, likely radiation sickness. she was mentally ill, as well, and spent most of her time staring off into space with blank, empty eyes. bonnie's father claimed she wasn't always like that, but never said a word about what had happened to her. Cathy committed suicide via taking as many chems at once as she could when Bonnie was 12 years old.

Her father Rusty was a rough, stubborn man, and was often hard on her, but loved her, and taught her how to survive. he smoked and drank a lot, and didn't care to watch his radiation levels, believing he was strong enough to withstand it (and didn't take much stock in threats he couldn't see). He was injured when bonnie was around 19, and his health declined rapidly, but he refused to see a doctor. He died, maybe from radiation, maybe from infection, maybe from a lot of things. Bonnie misses him, but felt it was inevitable that something would take him eventually

Bonnie once had a wife - Jolene. things ended very poorly. Jolene betrayed her and sold her out to a group of gangsters (for what reason/exact context i dont really know) - bonnie almost killed her in anger and grief, but shot the wall above her head instead and left her there. She never saw her again. doesn't know if jolene is alive or dead, and isn't sure which news would be worse.

✨ bonnie

[aprismaticodyssey]

im almost (ALMOST) grateful that raziel and luci aren’t ROs because then how tf would i pick between them and andrei? i’d be doomed. anyways, i finished a first time playthrough and i had so much fun. there’s something about the writing and the characterizations that had me talking to myself. you know the story is good when im talking to myself about it. im invested in this hardcore style. i really love how many options you give us too, it feels like you can find the exact response you want for the mc you’re playing. kudos!!! 🫡

Anon, I will be honest with you.

When writing the draft/"base", my MC, Talia, was legit going to end up with Eugene. Then a scene happened in Book 2 where I'm side-eyeing Raziel. Somewhere in all that, is Lucifer, calmly sitting with his hands folded in his lap, a teasing smile playing at his lips because that jerk just knows.

I'm really glad you like it, anon! I know the WIP could use more interactivity and personality reflections, so I'm hoping as this progresses, I'm able to come up with those things or get feedback!☺️

[addictedtostorytelling]

Still loving the newest addition to the Happy Accidents series & your last chapter got me thinking about a potential scene I would love to hear from your perspective (or maybe you’ve already written it & I’ve just got to be patient…)

In the last chapter you mentioned Sara’s PTSD & Grissom was so sweet. Particularly this part “She knows why he is worried: Over the years, he has learned to associate nerviness in her with periods when her mental health is poor. She isn’t usually quick to startle, but during the times when her PTSD is bad—around anniversaries—she can be. She gets so in her own head that anything happening outside has the potential to shock.”

It got me thinking about how in this alternate universe, Sara would be about 6-7 months pregnant when the anniversary of her abduction came & I would love to read her thoughts on that & how Grissom helps her deal with it. Does it cause her to reflect on how different her life looks now than a year ago? Does she think about all the reasons she didn’t give up in the desert? Does she feel the baby kick & is brought out of her thoughts, grateful for how her life looks?

And if you’ve already written a scene like this…I’ll sit over here (im)patiently waiting.

hi, @chelsshearman!

good to hear from you again! i'm so glad to know you're enjoying the story so far.

i've taken a while to come up with an answer to your (very thoughtful) question, and though i can't show any prose from that part of the story just yet without revealing some major accidentsverse spoilers, i can offer you a more pared down answer after the "keep reading," if you're interested.

note: in order to avoid major accidentsverse spoilers, i purposefully use ambiguous language surrounding sara's pregnancy in this answer.

__

sara knows from experience: trauma doesn't adhere to a strict calendar.

sometimes exact anniversaries are bad, but other times the days and weeks surrounding are when the cptsd symptoms really hit.

november has historically been a crapshoot for her, any day—not just the exact anniversary of her father's murder—liable to be a bad one, the whole month something of a slog.

though she is hopeful: now that her wedding anniversary falls mid-month, maybe she'll have better associations going forward.

she is well-aware of this temporal idiosyncrasy in her brain, and so is her therapist, which is why he starts counseling with her in mid-april about what to anticipate come may, for what will be the first anniversary of her abduction by natalie davis.

admittedly, she is, at this point, distracted. not only is there a lot going on in her life pregnancy-wise, but things are busier than ever at work. by now, she is no longer in the field and has instead become the de facto "point person" for her teammates at the lab, which, contrary to what she had expected, has somehow upped her caseload. still, she tries her best to complete her therapy assignments with what few spare hours she has. is diligent about going in for sessions. practices all of the self-care techniques her therapist recommends. stays on top of taking her meds. makes sure to look after herself as well as she can.

—and especially because grissom is so obviously worried about her.

not only does he admit as much outright, sans prompting, but he also is so careful with her. he had already been wonderfully attentive, but now she hardly even has to think she might want something before he appears to offer it. she swears to god: the man is telepathic. also, far too sweet.

thankfully, as the calendar turns over into may, there are some fun, new pregnancy developments to help to take her mind off the impending anniversary: grissom is finally able to feel kicking. (for a long time, she had felt fetal movements internally, but they hadn't been detectable in any external way.) also, a first instance of fetal hiccups, which is just about the weirdest, coolest sensation she has ever experienced.

that said, about two weeks before the big anniversary™, she does start experiencing some "trauma residuals" from her abduction. she's not having flashbacks or nightmares or full-on panic attacks, per se; she just feels off. spacey. emotionally unbalanced. like everything in her head has just been shifted two inches to the left of where it should be.

she keeps expecting to have some kind of big breakdown at some point, but the catharsis doesn't ever come.

and, honestly, the lack of punctuation is what bothers her more than anything.

she confides in grissom: she's scared. she tried to get out ahead of her trauma by "doing all the right things," but she is still being affected, not in any obvious, dramatic way but enough so that her trauma is inarguably impacting her behavior. coworkers keep asking her if she’s okay. looking like they don’t fully believe her when she says she is. she can’t help but be concerned: what if the same thing happens a few years on from now? the last thing in the world she would ever want to do to her child(ren) is make them feel like mommy's sad or upset for no reason.

so she and grissom talk the issue through: they both agree that trauma is a fickle thing—particularly as trauma reactions can't always be pinned down to one day or easily predicted in terms of how they'll manifest. show great variance in intensity, duration, form, etc. also can't be totally prevented, even if one tries to account for them as much as possible. chances are, she will be dealing with after effects—from her childhood, from her abduction—for the rest of her life.

sara explains: logically, she knows all of these things. but she still doesn't want their child(ren) to suffer for having a traumatized parent. she has experience that way with her own mother. remembers how helpless she felt when she was little, watching her mother struggle; how much she internalized her mother's sadness and anger. though as an adult, she (mostly) knows better now, back then, she wondered if she caused or exacerbated her mother’s misery and questioned why she wasn't enough to make her mother happier.

here, grissom digs in: "and did your mother ever answer those questions for you?"

her silence tells him no.

grissom offers his postulate: the truth might have helped—not by making sara’s mother “magically better” but by allowing sara, even as a child, to contextualize the situation and understand her mother's mental health conditions existed independent of anything having to do with her. just hearing, in no uncertain terms, that her mother wasn’t sad for any reason having to do with her may have alleviated some of her misplaced guilt.

sara agrees: they should be honest with their child(ren) and explain things at a level they can understand.

but she still worries: it will be a long time yet before they can have those kinds of honest conversations. what will happen in the meanwhile? babies pick up on their caretakers' cues and moods, after all. she doesn’t want to do damage by exuding sadness or fear in their child(ren)’s presence.

grissom reassures her: in all the time they've been together, even during periods when her mental health has been at its poorest ("even in november"), he has always felt loved by and safe with her. he has not been oblivious to her sadness and fear. but he also has never felt that those reactions in her negated her affections. he suspects their child(ren) will feel the same.

still, she makes him promise: if she ever gets to the point where she can't be a good caretaker of their child(ren), he'll intervene. "that was part of the problem," she explains, "with my parents. no matter how miserable things got, no one said anything or did anything about it. no one asked for help. we all just sat there with it."

grissom agrees: they'll ask for help if they need it. offer help when they see it's needed, even if it hasn't been asked for. and neither one of them will give up.

the promise does make sara feel somewhat better.

—though, of course, it doesn’t fully alleviate her cptsd symptoms.

may proves to be a hard month, not only because of the trauma but for other reasons, too.

[insert major accidentsverse spoilers here]

but it also is not without happy moments—sometimes impossibly happy, like the first time they see a footprint, clearly discernible for what it is, show through the skin of her belly—and, most importantly, never without love.

she reflects: one year ago, she was alone in a desert, sure she was going to die. now, she is never alone, and she has never been surer of what she has to live for. lying in bed with grissom, his hand over the footprint protruding slightly below her navel, she feels a kind of peace she could never have imagined she would feel, just one year on from that day. she knows: what happened to her will stay with her for the rest of her life—will sometimes rear up in unaccountable ways—but it won’t be what defines her. won’t be the main throughline in her story. she’s writing that one herself, here, now. and she loves where her story is headed.   

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.

[fuckyoutommie]

just realized what this band has given me. i’m about to be really vulnerable after the cut, you’ve been warned 🤪✌🏼 i’ll tag the trigger warnings 🫶🏼

i first found Greta during a kind of traumatic time for me. i was in the middle of losing my 3rd pregnancy, the baby was 23 weeks and it was a baby i was loosely planning to keep. finding a band that preached so adamantly about love, acceptance, change, among other things, was so needed in that time. since November 2022 i’ve been able to respond to situations in my life with new, better intention. the love i’ve been listening to the last nearly 8 months has had an impact on how i look at people and has helped me respond with the love every person deserves. im not perfect but i have grown a LOT. as a person who has BPD it’s not very common you can go without medications, however, im no longer able to afford it meeeeeeaning i’ve been raw dogging life since November, and! my life is better than it’s ever been. i’ve done the work to look at how i respond to my environment and have changed that for the better.

it’s been a few months that i’ve been on tumblr now, in that time i think my capacity to love has grown exponentially! i’ve been blessed with some really beautiful people in my little corner of the internet! people i’ve met through this fandom!!!!! i had a bad time on twitter so i remember feeling nervous when i started interacting with people on tumblr. but boy!! if tumblr isn’t the exact opposite. i have filled my dash with people that are preaching the same love the band does!

im really grateful that i’ve found a peaceful place in my life. i did a lot of hard work to get to where i am! im proud of myself for choosing to respond now with love and understanding. i love all of you and all of me!

cheers to those four white men from michigan 🫶🏼

[askanimperviouspeach]

Hi, I’m not sure if you remember me, I was the person who roleplayed with you on this account, I wanted to check in and say hi and hru

I AM OK, ALIVE, AND VERY SORRY!!! I am SO sorry for the inactivity and for basically ghosting the rp. I recently moved, and it was hell. then a year later we moved again, into a lesser hell but still hell. then a few months later another move but into our dream home! Busy is the biggest factor in why I went poof, be gone. to be completely honest, i have been going through the worst of art blocks. its now lasted a year and is still affecting me mentally, i had left art college because pursuing art as a job just... it really fucked me up ngl. Lately, it HAS been slowly getting better, as now our family in a more stable and amazing house (that i find frogs in the backyard every night, its literally heaven on earth) i've been able to recover No, my family life isnt unstable, no we arent financially destitute, and nO i dont have any mentally debilitating conditions (none that i can see and never been diagnosed). I say this so no one is disillusioned, I just had a long rough patch and consciously knew i had been neglecting my blogs, i just couldn't figure out how to get back into it. Procrastination really to you specifically, redzirpinkasmt, i am deeply sorry for falling off like that. There is no excuse. I know how annoying and maybe even scary it is to have a rp partner suddenly disappear, to be frank i didn't even know you responded. thats how out of it I was and i wont let that happen again, everyone at least gets a small message to ensure them they are heard and not ignored from now on. And im grateful you checked in i think thats very sweet and thoughtful.

Now finally, as the blog itself i have no idea if i will be continuing it. i want to. but I dont know if i will commit. when i first started it i never imagined this could be so demanding. and i guess im the one who made it demanding, lol. i have a tendency to make things harder on myself than need be. but should i start posting, things are gonna be D I F F E R E N T LIKE, VERY DIFFERENT. and WAY more laid back, with no exact timeline. The blog may have been neglected but the characters have been thought about a lot. VERY different, but I like them now. to give you guys a taste, ripper is no longer the bad guy. its morally ok to simp for her now/lol. anyway, ive been meaning to make this update for a long time but didnt have it in me. a few weeks ago, this would have had me sobbing. now im doing better and realizing that this should be a fun lil thing to do on the side. maybe ill start posting doodles or lil text stories, make this blog more casual. i dont know yet, but what i do know is that im very grateful for those who stuck around, and those who still send asks and like my stuff. IF i continue the blog, the asks i have in my inbox WILL be answered, dont worry. but they will be answered by the newer versions of these characters, the "rebooted" I'll call em. Anyways, thank you all and i wish you all a good night/day. also, gem galaxies controversy has led me to not play that game anymore. wont get into it now as this post is long enough but yeah, thought i should mention that

[fugsbunny]

ok so i had a rough therapy session on friday and just finished the sunshine court and since this is tumblr why am i here if not to compare me to my favorite fictional characters so either buckle up or keep scrolling

so on friday i basically cried for half an hour to my therapist about how i my depression has dominated my life for the last 7 years and im sick of it and i that struggle to accept that im not able to work a 40h week or even a 32h week and than cannot even use this extra time to do as many social things as i want to do even though many people strive for this exact kind of lifestyle of work less and have more time

and my therapist said im not able to accept that i didnt get to choose the life im living even tho i can see that its objectively i lifestyle i think is really good and she really got me with that one

so when i was binging tsc over the weekend i realised that Neil, Jean and Kevin also didnt get to choose, their mafia ties already dictated so much of their life but Neil also made the deal with Ichirou and i see myself and my struggles so much in this deal, it was the only thing he could do to ensure not only his/their survival but also a somewhat normal life, it was basically the only real choice he had

and for Neil it was a good choice because it was what he wanted and the life he wants to life so he not only accepted it but embraced it and i guess for Kevin its the same even tho we never get his pov

but in tsc Jean struggles, he does for multiple reasons but he also hasnt accepted that this is his future, his only future that he has to accept and im not saying my difficulties and his with this are the same but i really see myself in this struggle, he never got to choose anything for himself and now has to build his own life in the constraints that he was given and he cannot do it, cannot let go of his old life and what people told him to do with his life and what was expected of him and now he has to accept this new thing

and its also so obviously a way better life than he had before and i think at the end of the book he started to really realise this but it also was forced upon him and he has to somehow reshape his whole self around it and thats fucking hard

i think my point is i really really want to be Neil, i want to be grateful for the chance i was given, that im able to still life a pretty good life despite my depression that i can make the best out of, to really see it as this great chance that it is and all the great things i can do with it

but right now im Jean, i was given something i didnt ask for and cannot see how good this is because all i can see is the past and that was taken from me and how stuck i am in old thought patterns that harm me more that help me but its all i know and i ever was even tho deep down i know how bad and wrong they are

but the good thing is, there are more books coming and Jean will get through this and i will get to experience it with him and one day also make it through

[hermespie]

HIHI same person as last time !!! im really grateful for the nagito interaction and i was wondering if you could write some headcanons on who from the danganronpa 2 cast would give the best hugs :-]

Prompt: who would give the best hugs?

pairings: sdr2 cast

A/N: yes HIIII!! I'm so glad you liked that oneee, I hope you enjoy this one as well! Thanks for supporting<33

4TH PLACE -IBUKI MIODA

I put Ibuki as fourth because yes she would give very big and nice hugs, but she would be careless about the strength. Though it wouldn't be as exaggerated as Akane or Nekomaru, and that's why I put her as fourth place.

And it is very easy to get a hug from her, so that's a bonus!

3RD PLACE- TWOGAMI

HEAR ME OUTTTT

It's gonna use a lot of convincing for twogami , especially when he is in the Ultimate Affluent Progeny, Byakuya Togami's disguise, to give anyone a hug.

But when you do, I can really see it's going to be so nice and cozy!! I ask evidence! from Ryota!

2ND PLACE - SONIA NEVERMIND

Though you might think, as a princess, she might not be able to hug anyone, since that would be too much intimacy. But I think she would surprisingly give very good hugs! She would really want to hug you too! I think that's one way for her to show affection

I also think once she started hugging someone, she would want to hug everyone at the end.

FIRST PLACE- CHIAKI NANAMI

Prove me wrong, I bet you can't. She would be an amazing hugger, if she wants to hug you to be exact.

And she often would be the one initiating the hug when she trusts you and likes you.

She definitely would smell good too <33

Tbh her sprite just seems huggable, it's so cotton candy feel

[vivianleighwishesshewasme]

The Academy Secretary part 3

Chapter 3

Awkward family dinners

Patrick seemed really taken with your quiet nature and had spent the whole car ride trying to be near you and engage in some type of conversation. He was calvary you learned. Nothing wrong with that, you just weren’t interested in him.

Grace had been quiet too but you saw her watching you. The situation was doubly awkward with Grace seated to you right at the table, her hand resting near your thigh under the large dining room table.

Even with your fathers position, you’d never been at a dining experience quite as fancy as this one. You wondered if Grace had a title or what positions her family held in the military to be able to afford such an experience. 

The cream and rose colored room had ceiling’s you swore were meant for a cathedral, huge crystal chandeliers sparked above every table and the live band felt more like an orchestra then anything. 

“So Y/n, what’s the king like? Did you meet him?” Grace’s other brother didn’t seem interested in anything other than adder climbing. You were used to people like that so it was nice not to have a man swooning over you. 

“Y/n designed the test and met with the king to finalize it. Shes very intelligent.” Grace's compliment left you blushing. You really didn't think you were highly intelligent. You just didn’t want to waste your brain on silly things. 

“That's quite a feat to come up with a test that fails most candidates and only selects the smartest, bravest ones.” Patrick was grinning at you and even slipped in a wink. You smiled tightly. You never cared for attention. Compliments, while kind, were uncomfortable at best. You came by it honestly. Your father was the same way.

“It was only one test.” You said hastily, happy to stuff your mouth with food. You were grateful that Grace's mother and other siblings were happy to talk amongst themselves leaving you alone.

“Stop downplaying how smart you are, it's interesting.” Patrick was leaning into you more sitting on your left. You weren’t sure he was even on his seat anymore. Practically on your lap. 

“I'm not downplaying anything. I took the job because it was quiet and gave me time to read.” And meet interesting people, like your sister who keeps squeezing my knee every time you flirt with me. Obviously you weren’t going to say that outloud but it was true nevertheless. Grace definitely went for what she wanted.

“Dad was super smart and quiet too.” A smaller sibling piped up causing everyone to look at her. You smiled warmly. It was nice to hear from someone other than Patrick all night.

“Maybe that's what it is. She's smarter so she's quieter.” Connor, Grace's older brother, said glaring at Patrick.

“I’ve tried to tell you all that.” Exasperation draped thickly in Grace’s voice.

“

Grace,you're failing to mention you're in the top 7 percent that passed.

Top 3 to be exact.” You blushed, happy to brag about her accomplishments. Her family seemed impressed with that and started bombarding her with questions. You sheepishly smiled as she playfully glared at you. 

“When do you get your assignment?” Connor asked. He seemed bored but why was he staring at Grace if he was. 

“Im training now and going over the files There is a lot more to it than I realized.” Grace confessed. You knew she’d do well. She was too smart to fail.

“Should it ship out soon then?” Patrick asked.

“In a month or two.” You started choking on your water. For whatever reason you hadn’t thought about her leaving so soon. You’d seen the briefing. It was very dangerous. A month or two didn’t seem fair, especially for a new agent. 

“Y/N? Are you alright?” You nodded trying to ignore the blood rushing into your ears and fogging your head. Just a month or two….

“Hey, have you seen the pictures, y/n?” Grace's lovely mother smiled warmly and waited for your response. 

“Her father was a major general, I'm sure she was.” Grace gently reprimanded the older woman. She seemed surprised by your answer however. 

“Nope, dad thought all that creative stuff was silly. I read at home. Mostly non fiction books.” You didn’t want to talk about this. You missed your father dearly and the whole dinner was now making you very anxious. A month or two…

“Explains why you're so quiet compared to us.” Grace looked at you with awe. You stared ahead lost in your thoughts. 

“Grace is going to drive you nuts with all her chattering.” Patrick laughed as Grace kicked him under the table and clearly missed. He just threw his head back earning a stern look from his mother.

“I'm chattering, you haven't stopped talking to Y/N since you saw her.” she scolded him, anger flashing in her green eyes. 

“I don’t mind a little conversation.” You mostly said it to Grace but everyone seemed pleased.

________________________________________

[confessions-official]

this situation will already have blown over by the time this confession is posted, but... tomorrow night, i am going to a beabadoobee concert. last week, my friend told me that he has extra tickets and invited me to go with him. i dont really listen to beabadoobee and dont know her music aside from the viral parts of some of her songs. i am going to the concert with him and i am excited about it, but im scared that i wont be welcome there. i dont know any of her music. im listening to the setlist tonight and i will tomorrow, but i wont know any of the songs by heart. i saw a video that beabadoobee made about unenergetic concery goers and was talking about how they shouldnt have even bought tickets + are taking the ticket from someone who actually deserved to go. im worried that i am those exact people she was talking about. i doubt i will be unenergetic, i will be excited and enjoying a night with one of my best friends, and i love live music. i just wont be able to sing along with the songs. i dont know. im just very anxious about it. im so grateful for the opportunity, but i dont want to appear disingenuous to fans we will meet there. ughhh i dont know i dont know i dont know i just feel like a bad person

 

[blinkvlink]

the detective gets turned into a vampire by the ub when they are about to die but it goes wrong (in nearly every way you could imagine)

no because i was literally thinking about this the other day and had a brain rot over it so fuck it im writing an entire essay about it.

also thank you @wayhavenots for inspiring me with that reblog

i will warn that this might get dark a little. Also long. LONG LONG

TW FOR: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND SUICIDE

there are so many ways this could go:

The detective is extremely sensitive to everything around them (like Mason/Morgan but if you want extra angst make it even worse) from the moment they wake up: The lights, the way the sheets feel, the smell, everything is so sharp and there that it hurts and they are so over whelmed that they can't even form a thought. they can hear every single muscle shift, feel every single pore when someone touches them. imagine the way the LI tries to touch them, or talk to them to try and comfort them but they can't because even the slightest touch or word makes them so uncomfortable that they can't move. And maybe it doesn't go away. Maybe it's just stays and they have to live in a way that is limited. An endless life with never ending discomfort.

Imagine Morgan/Mason as they especially understand what the detective is going through but there is nothing they can do. they just have to watch be there in a way that doesn't make the detective disappear. think about how much they would just want to hug the detective because they were never really that good with words but they can't. and they can't tell that it gets better because they kind of know that it won't. they themselves grieve the one person they could touch and feel better, because the detective was the only one who helped them tune out the rest of the world. imagine how they would blame themselves for making them feel the things they feel every single day.

The detective especially didn't want to become a vampire but with UB not thinking right in the moment, being scared out of their mind because they were about to lose the love of their life, the detective turns immortal without their consent: if your detective doesn't think positively or just straight up doesn't want to become a vampire, imagine them waking up to a life that will never end . they see their LI, feeling everything they possibly could. Relief because they get more days with them, grief over their past life and the people they will lose to time in the following years, anger because their choice was taken from them, fear because they don't know how to live for years and years; it's just not something they can comprehend. they refuse to drink blood for days and days until they have to because otherwise they will die and the moment they swallow it's back in their mouth. they just can't do it, neither their mind or their body can accept it and they never get used to it even after all the years.

I haven't finished their route yet but as far as I've heard Nate/Nat were also turned without their consent. Imagine how guilty they would feel because they know what it's like: to have your choice taken away. the amount of regret and guilt they would feel because they did the exact thing that was done to them (in a way) and the shame they would feel because in the end they are still grateful the detective is there with them.

The detective turns but the power of their blood stays the same so they are now hunted for the rest of their immortal life (OR WORSE THEIR BLOOD GETS EVEN MORE POWERFUL SO NOW THEY ARE WANTED EVEN MORE): One fight after another, never knowing what might be next. Always looking over their shoulder because they just don't know who might be coming after them. not even being able to celebrate defeating a foe because they know another is somewhere out there, on the horizon. or someone somehow gets ahold of their blood and hurts people that are innocent, hurts people that they care about. their life just turns into surviving rather than living. and so they slowly start to lose sight of who they are. because they are tired. they are just so tired of fighting and sometimes they just wish they were dead because they knew it would be easier for everyone, safer for the world. so they slowy lose their identity, lose their little quirks and become a shell of a human/vampire being. (TW: SUICIDE if you want to get real dark, imagine they just take their own life at some point because they just can't do it anymore)

Imagine Ava/Adam, (who was always worried for the detective because they were human and while they could protect themselves, they could never do it in a way that would guarentee it) seeing the detective gaining the powers A themselves have always seen as superiority now have those advantages but still fear for their life every single day. Imagine them seeing the way the detective gets stronger and stronger but lose everything else they had that made them fall in love with them. them seeing the immortality they used to assure themselves with destroy the detective because now they are basically nothing but a never dying being with a target on their back. and they try to deny to themselves that it would be much more merciful if the detective was just dead.

Also Farah/Felix, seeing the love of their love lose the spark in their eyes, seeing the detective not responding to their jokes and quips the same way, the way they lose the joy or the will to live. Farah/Felix also losing themselves because it just hurts to see the person they were in love with not being themselves anymore. Imagine how much they would blame themselves because they took that from the detective. They pushed them to a road of never ending misery.

the detective loses control because of extreme thirst: the detective lashing out violently, not being able to stand around people because the scent of blood is too much, too overwhelming and inviting. they lose control, blacking out and hurting someone innocent, someone they love or worse they kill them without wanting to because they are slipping. and can't see anything else other than a monster when they catch a glimpse of themselves in any reflection.

(sorry im doing two for A and N but these just fit so well)

Adam/Ava (who viewed themselves as a monster, couldn't drink in front of the detective because they feared how they saw them) watching as the detective descends further and further down madness without wanting to. them seeing the detective crying and keep repeating that they are a monster. the fears of A become the detective's reality, knowing this happened because of their choice.

N still loving but struggling to be around the detective because they can't recognize them anymore. N who was in love with the detective's humanity slowly seeing the way they lose it and turn into something else entirely. how scared they would be of them, secretly. But they can't bring themselves to leave because in the end, the detective is their responsibilty. because (again) N choose this for them and they are willing to stick around until the end, no matter how much all of it kills them slowly.

And that's just the tip of the iceberg

So..yeah.

[vanikolya]

cw: mentions of death, spoilers for volume 9 of vnc

reader info: meant to be f!reader but i'm also kind of bad at writing for specific genders it never really comes up that much

notes: @rin-idk i posted this early and i had to delete it im so sorry sjdjdjf, i'm basing this off this theory! (spoilers for volume 9). this is also a continuation of my past louis x reader headcanons, the reader will be the same and have that history with louis!

LOUIS DE SADE X READER HCS (AU WHERE HE LIVES)

being domi and noe's friend, it's likely to say you would later go on to meet vanitas just as they did, so you'd reasonably have an idea about the comings and goings of the main plot

although even after meeting a vampire doctor who held the book of vanitas and used it for good... louis "coming back to life" was the last thing you'd ever expect to come out of this

at first it felt a little strange because it had been so long, you'd thought he was dead for all those years, it was hard to just pick up where you left off even with your friendship let alone with any romantic feelings

but alas with time louis being around again slowly felt more natural

he doesn't talk to you very much about things that happened in moreau's lab, it's mostly just kept a secret between him and vanitas as they were both there, you, noe and domi are kind of just only filled in on the basics of "after my head was cut off i was taken to this lab to be saved and i stayed there"

although he does have occasional nightmares that he goes to you about for comfort, though much context of what happened isn't given

not that he doesn't trust you, he doesn't want to upset you, so aside from that he refuses to mention it and if asked will just brush it off and make some joke

of course there's also the obvious thing of him. not being able to speak now. on the offchance he was taught any kind of sign language by moreau and the teacher, he teaches you as well so you can understand him, but otherwise pen and paper works just fine

i feel like i need to add my big headcanon that he kinda just doesn't like vanitas 💀 "(name) why has your taste in friends gone down since i've been away, after seeing you with vanitas it was a miracle to find out you're still friends with domi and noe"

although i guess it's more like frenemies there's no like extremely malicious stuff it's just like "ew it's you" whenever they see each other

sorry this is turning into more "louis being around in the current plot" headcanons

he's very grateful for you being there and staying patient with him whilst he adjusts to Existing Normally(tm) before anything changes in your relationship

whilst he never spoke of his feelings for you when you were both younger, it's quite obvious that he missed you just as much as he did noe and domi

there's no exact spoken moment of "we should be together now", it just happens with a gradual increase of you both being more affectionate, louis being more accepting of your affection towards him, etc

he likes hugs❗️❗️give him lots of hugs. there's something extremely grounding about them and he feels safe in your arms

he'd probably get upset about something and after being comforted and calming down he'd smile and make some joke about how you're the lady, traditionally he should be protecting and comforting you, not the other way around

despite his joking he is still actually quite protective over you, especially considering you both being in a friend group that rather commonly gets involved with cursebearers and other dangerous situations

i've mentioned louis' frenemy type dislike for vanitas but at the end of the day he's very calmed by the fact that if you were to become a cursebearer, being friends with vanitas would give you an immediate cure, rather than you having to go through anything near the likes of what louis did

i also think that louis would have to keep his being alive a secret, domi is the only member of his family to know he's still alive

so being in a relationship with him feels a little easier, he's just louis, not "louis the discarded twin of dominique de sade who the majority of his family dislikes" because you don't have to deal with the opinions of people like veronica and antoine because- louis was executed as far as they're concerned

though the trade off here is that louis has to be more secretive in general, perhaps using different names or not being able to go to altus with you if invited

with you being domi's friend, it would probably also be that he'd have to be kept secret from your family too, not just his own, with class divides and the de sade's being a higher class family, it's pretty much given that to have been such good friends with domi as a child, your family would have to have already known the de sade's and be close with them

it's still a common theme with him that he prefers quieter time with you than a larger gathering with more people around, reminiscent of him preferring to sit and read with you rather than play alongside domi and noe

overall i think he'd be pretty gentle with you and as a partner despite his more sarcastic and, what i'd affectionately call "bastard" personality

[lunasuccor]

Help a transgirl achieve her dreams and cheer people up for a living??

Hey all, it’s really hard for me to be doing one of these since I’m terrible at asking for help as my friends are all well aware of by now.

I’m currently in very deep debt and should be able to make rent this month but i am at risk of my internet being shit off. The past few months it’s become more and more difficult for me to put on a brave face and mask through the constant stress and mental/physical pain i go through everyday. My doctor has been unable to give me an exact diagnosis on why i have full body pains but he’s pretty sure it’s arthritus because of the pain i get in my hands and fingers.

Currently I’ve borrowed money from many of my friends and family for help which I’m so grateful for but I’m still struggling to survive. Right now I’m trying to focus on getting an official diagnosis for my pain so i can hopefully get something for disability, as well as find a new job thats less taxing on me physically at least.

My ultimate goal is to stream games for a living and cheer people up in these awful times so many of us especially in the US are finding ourselves living in. I already have a webcam, mic, and games but haven’t been able to even start streaming because my energy is always so low from what little work im able to do.

Anything that anyone can spare would be so so appreciated right now thank you for your time even if you can’t afford it and please don’t put yourself in a bad situation like me by trying to help ;-;

[growandrecover]

hello, i hope you're doing well !

i started recovery a few days ago because my parents noticed my low weight and told me i need to eat more/gain weight, which im very grateful for them stepping in and im ready to recover.

however, im still sorta paranoid about how much and what im eating, because a lot of my ED has been me being in denial that im "just being healthier" (which my parents used to believe until they realized)

so now that im eating unrestricted, i feel kinda bad that im allowing myself to eat the foods i didn't before and bigger portions. im worried that it means im letting myself be unhealthy, and im especially worried about potential comments from anyone about it.

any tips on how to challenge said thoughts or responses to comments people may make would be super appreciated ♡

(p.s. sorry this is so long, but also do you know of any other ed recovery blogs ? they're kinda hard to find here..)

Hey, anon! I'm so proud of you for listening to your parents and choosing recovery. That's one of the hardest steps, if not the hardest. Congratulations!

I felt the *exact* same way when I started recovery. I don't know about your experience, but I think I may have been orthorexic to a slight degree. You may want to look into that as well, if you haven't. I'm not saying you are, I'm not a licensed professional. Just the mention of being unhealthy spurred that thought in my mind.

Eating bigger portions and introducing our fear foods is a very difficult part of recovery, so I completely understand your worries. I'd advise you not to go too quickly, especially since you mentioned only being in recovery for a few days. Maybe you could try introducing your fear foods incrementally? Like maybe one a week, or something like that? That would probably help ease a little bit of the fear. I know when I tried to eat too many in a short amount of time, I only got more anxious and took a few steps back. Not implying that you will, just advising caution here.

It's great that you're eating more than you have been, and I'm really proud of you for that. You should be proud of yourself as well. Unfortunately, your ed is going to be very unhappy and go into overdrive trying to lie to you. Here's something I wish someone would have told me: You're not eating too much. It doesn't matter if you think you're eating a mukbang sized meal, if you're hungry/need to eat, whatever you consume is not too much. Also, this beginning period is not one in which you need to worry about eating "healthy". I know you will, and I did, too. But if you are willing to eat something, and if your ed is not fighting you on it, eat it. I don't care what it is. Eat it. Your body is extremely confused right now and just wants nutrients. It's trying to help you and keep you alive. I went through periods in the beginning of my recovery where I had ice cream all throughout the day because that's the one of the only things I could eat without extreme fear. (I know that probably doesn't make any sense, but I guess maybe it's because I liked ice cream so much I was able to override the ed? idk.) I went through another where I craved fat so much that I baked multiple cakes within a few week period. Now, there are definitely people out there who would disagree on that, and maybe you're one of them. That's cool. My number one piece of advice would be to listen to your body as best you can. You may not be able to, as I'm sure you've gotten pretty good at ignoring what it wants (as we all do), but whatever signals you get, listen to. If you want ice cream, eat it.

If you're able to, I'd also recommend that you find a therapist/treatment center/nutritionist if you haven't already. You definitely can recover on your own, but a professional would be very helpful.

You're not letting yourself be unhealthy. You're doing the opposite, actually. Having an ed is unhealthy, no matter which one it is. Choosing recovery is the option that will lead to a healthy relationship with food. And to choose recovery, you may feel unhealthy sometimes. That's okay. You may feel like you're making a mistake, gaining too much, or like you're worse off than you were before, but those are all eating disorder distortions. Try to keep that in mind if you can. If you're having trouble, maybe talk to your parents about it since they seem helpful and supportive of your recovery journey. My therapist always recommends sitting next to someone while I eat during my harder times. That might work for you as well.

As for what people say, at the end of the day, they don't know what's happened to you. Even if you're talking about your relatives or friends, they still most likely don't know the in-depth horrors that come along with having an ed. Lots of people don't know anything about what we struggle with, and that leads to the ignorant comments we all fear.

If someone says something to you, here are a few things you could say:

"I'm not comfortable talking about my food choices/body/ed right now."

"Can we change the subject?"

"It's a private matter, and I don't really feel ready to speak on it now."

"Please don't make comments about my body/food choices/ed."

Or if you're more shy, like I am, you could always ask a question or say something about something widely different or get them talking about something you know they love to talk about.

You could always just get up and leave. That one has worked for me countless times. Say you're getting a call, excuse yourself to the bathroom, say you're getting something and will be right back.

It's going to be hard to hear negative things about your recovery. If you can, try to remember that someone speaking negatively on someone else's body or food choices is caught up in diet culture themselves. It sucks, but the world places too much value in losing weight and being thin. If someone says something to you about your weight, you could tell them that you're actually doing the healthy thing. I think I've actually told someone who was talking about my body that I used to be anorexic, and that shut them up pretty quickly. You totally don't have to do this, I just thought I'd mention it lol.

Some of my personal favorite recovery blogs are:

@ed-recovery-affirmations

@recoverycat

@ana-recovery-positivity

@atinycupofpositivitea

if anyone has any other recs please leave a comment!

I wish you nothing but the best in your recovery journey, anon. You can do it, I promise. Again, I'm so happy for you and very proud you've chosen this journey. Sending you love <3

If you need to talk, please don't hesitate to send me a message or another ask!