#im so normal about how pointless this all is but also needs to happen there were so many ways to fix this there was no way to prevent this

[shitpostingkats]

been seeing ur descent into ffxv madness - the monarchy's fucked as hell, huh! - and sometimes i think about the chosen king dying for everyone and the like, almost accidential yet heavy anti-monarchy messaging you could take from the game - this long line of kings and queens dying young to preserve lucis which started from one brother wanting to be king over another brother which in turn started from one person martyring themselves to save the world which in turn started from the king of gods (the king of kings) and the starscourage that could not be cleansed,,,,,idk if im cooking really because it's been a hot minute but man. there is a world in my brain where noctis gives up the crystal and the right to be king to go off and fish in a cabin + be a hunter and a commoner. and that is how the chosen king dies. there's a world in my brain where ardyn feels the loss of the armringer (the crystal is gone...the scourge is gone...) and just before he passes he gets to see a world where there are no kings or prophesies or gods or monsters, only humans with other humans. and that is how ardyn passes on. and that is how the chosen king dies... idk! for a lighthearted game about road trippin bros this fucker really is like 'TOTAL CENTRALIZATION OF POWER ON ONE INDIVIDUAL WILL FUCK UP EVERYONE FOREVER AND EVER--' and. yeah. man. im so normal about ffxv

!!!!!!!!!!

Oh anon you have accidentally stumbled upon one of the things that makes me insane which is despite the final boss fight being framed as a smackdown between two kings! Both Noctis and Ardyn! Are very much not! Kings!

Like Ardyn was disowned and Noctis was never formally crowned they are literally two people who don't even meet the qualifications of the position and yeah they have light swords and teleporting but also Ardyn will just straight up kick you in the shins! The monarchy is not grand or special in this moment this is two guys throwing each other around arguing over a chair neither of them really wants but feels they have to want.

The fact that the gods do not care who sits on the throne. The fact that the special uber magic that gods blessed the line of kings with is just a small nuclear reactor that kills you. If it likes you, it just kills you slowly. The fact neither the ring or the crystal have any pathos, they just want to eat and consume and burn anyone that tries to touch them. The fact that the only justification the universe gives Noctis for why he has to die is that many people have already died for him. Pair that with "One aspiring to the role of King’s Shield can stake his life for none but his liege—not even for himself." Noctis is surrounded by people who are told they have to die for him and that they're not allowed to exist if they aren't sacrificing for him and then Noct gets told he has to die because of all the things already given up for him.

Fucked up!!!!!

[fireflyinks]

ooc ep with mandy hamzah and martin then hamzah introduces u as his gf 👀👀 twitter insta tiktok etc is going crazyyyy abt it too

girlfriend reveal (hamzah edition)

hamzah x reader

a/n : not sure if i love or hate this but here it is!! sorry i haven’t been as active I SWEAR im trying to get to your requests!! this was such a good idea and lmk if you want me to write a version but with y/n being a content creator as well. much love!

contains : a little fluff, slight cursing (literally just bs), cuteness, hard launching

I rocked back and fourth on my heels, standing directly beside the camera’s view. Anticipation and nervousness swirled in my stomach.

It probably wasn’t as big of a deal as I was making it, I knew that, but my nerves were still going buck-wild.

After three months of dating, Hamzah was introducing me as his girlfriend on the podcast today. We both wanted to wait until it was the right time, and we had finally decided that it was now or never.

YouTube was a ginormous part of Hamzah’s life, so the thought of his fans not approving of me was a big fear of mine. He’d assured me that they would love me, but I knew that he couldn’t be sure of that fact.

After about three minutes of rambling on about something pointless, Hamzah finally cleared him throat.

��We also have a special guest this episode. Please welcome, my beautiful girlfriend, y/n.”

I walked into frame, sitting beside Hamzah on the already crowded couch. Mandy and Martin clapped at my entrance, and I giggled nervously. This was a weird feeling for me, since I normally wasn’t this shy.

Hamzah handed me a mic he had bought specially for this episode, since normally they only had three people on at a time and didn’t own a fourth mic. He also put an arm around me, which helped calm my nerves a small bit. Hamzah’s touch could almost always make me feel better. I guess it was a good thing then that I was basically sitting on his lap due to limited space on the yellow couch.

“Hello,” I spoke into the microphone, smiling sheepishly.

“Introduce yourself.” Hamzah encouraged. He was taken aback by my shy demeanor as well.

“I’m y/n, Hamzah’s girlfriend…” I racked my brain for other facts about myself, but nothing came to mind.

Mandy chimed in, “We finally managed to get Hamzah a girlfriend guys, this is a rare sighting.”

I laughed along with Mandy and Martin, and Hamzah just rolled his eyes.

“You did not manage anything, I got her myself.”

“Bullshit, I’m the one who introduced you two.”

It was true, Mandy and I had worked together for about a year now and she was constantly telling me about how I needed to meet Hamzah, how well we would get along. Finally, she planned a night for us all to hang out, and we just kind of clicked.

“Yeah, Mandy is actually a really good match maker.” I nodded.

Mandy shrugged, “You are both socially awkward so I thought you’d be perfect for one another. And I was right, of course.”

Some time went on, and my nerves slowly started to dissolve. After about an hour, we finished filming, and Hamzah drove me home.

“So…” he began, looking out at the road as he drove, “how’d you feel about that?”

I shrugged, “I was really nervous at first but I think it turned out okay.”

Hamzah placed his hand on my thigh, “I promise, you have nothing to worry about. Everyone will love you.”

—

Hamzah posted the video the next day, and I couldn’t get myself to read the comments or open any social media until I got home from work, five hours later.

I sighed, sitting down on my couch and fumbling with my phone, opening YouTube and pressing on the new episode, entitled “Girlfriend Reveal (Hamzah Edition)”, which happened to the first video on my feed. The intro music began to play.

There were already 500 comments.

awww they’re literally perfect for eachother ❤️

where is the Hamzah to my Y/n

the way hamzah looks at her…

I couldn’t help but smile to myself as I read the kind comments.

I commented a quick heart on the video before moving on to TikTok. My feed was already mostly slushy noobz clips, so I wasn’t surprised when I was the first thing I saw after opening the app.

It was the clip of Hamzah introducing me as I tried to fit next to them on the small couch, with “Margeret” by Lana Del Rey playing in the background softly. The comments were just as positive as the ones on YouTube.

OMG?

wait she’s like genuinely so pretty

they’re so socially awkward together, it’s perfect

Last but not least was Twitter, which scared me the most. I knew that if anyone would have a problem with me, they would most likely express it on Twitter.

I opened the app, and went to search, to be met with “Hamzah’s New Girlfriend” trending. This was either a very good thing or an extremely bad thing.

I clicked on it, and began reading some of the tweets under the hashtag.

hamzah’s new girlfriend is literally so gorgeous, im actually obsessed with the two of them together

hamzah’s new girlfriend genuinely seems so sweet, my heartttt 🥹🥹🥹

“thank you mandy”, we say in unison, hamzah and his new gf are literally PERFECT

Suddenly, there was a quick knock at the door. I got up to answer, wondering who it was. Hamzah was filming a video with Martin and Mandy had told me earlier that she was getting her nails done after our shift.

I opened the door, being met with a bouquet full of colorful assorted flowers. My heart felt as if it could burst. I picked them up, grabbing the paper tag on them to read it.

I knew they would love you - Hamzah

⁺˚⋆｡°✩₊✩°｡⋆˚⁺

[transbee]

Nah okay im still on about this ig. like when someone with ptsd brings up that it kinda manifests in weird ways or they have "weird" triggers generally people have learned to keep their mouths shut and least keep opinions to themselves* But as soon as it starts it starts edging into did-talk or god forbid a system talks about the weird effects it has on their life or doesn't have a perfect cookie-cutter "Normal" experience with plurality. People CANNOT keep their opinions to themselves anymore.

(*GENERALLY. NOT ALWAYS. I KNOW THERE'S ALWAYS GONNA BE IDIOTS INPUTTING THEIR TWO CENTS ON STUFF THEY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT but my point is it happens far more often to systems)

having did and being online in any capacity is so fucking exhausting because you literally can't go anywhere without seeing the most heinous takes about your existence or validity it's like. can we be normal. can we please be normal and Chill for like two seconds.

[luffyvace]

Inosuke x black male reader

The last one from the poll!! Yippie!!

I love inosuke he’s so cool 😎

your hair is….very foreign to inosuke

this is Japan so when he sees you in general he’s very confused??

and confused=confrontational (like with giyuu)

so at first there’s a chance y’all beefed (it may have been one-sided)

but to talk specifically about your hair he probably pulls and inspects it a lot

or at least tries I know you don’t let that slide

he’d ask overly blunt questions like

“what happened to your hair, is it fried?!”

your skin is also new to him

the things he be saying is atrocious but he’s genuinely curious

mans also has no social cues

which makes him come off as rude

and even if he did have social cues he’d ignore them, cuz he doesn’t care 🤷‍♀️

to sum it all up, don’t take it personally

he be munching down on your cooking tho!

so at least that 🤦‍♀️

he always asks for so much / extras

he likes spicy too

He steals tanjiro and zenitsu’s food whenever you cook

When you use AAVE he doesn’t get it

and never will

you never even bothered to teach him

he doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would get it

if you wanna say something and don’t want him to know just teach tanjiro and zenitsu AAVE

zenitsu will get it before tanjiro does-

”WHAT?? WHADDYA SAYIN?? STOP SPEAKING FUNNY!!”

”THAT DOESNT EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE IDIOT!!”

him calling you a idiot is irony I know 😂 /j

your culture/dances also don’t make sense to him..😞🙁

he might get the culture a little bit more than the dances

i mean it’s just dancing but he’ll be wondering why you have to do it a certain way

and as far as culture he’ll be like

”whaddya doin all this stuff for?! ITS POINTLESS!! lets go train instead!”

Tanjiro will get it tho!

he’ll explain his dad used to do a fire dance to ward the demons off

”is it something like that?”

close enough..🧍‍♀️

your bonnet/durag is very strange to him

He doesn’t get why you need something on your head to sleep

You explain to him that it’s to keep your pillow from soaking the oil in your hair and to keep your hairstyles neat

speaking of which when you braid your hair or if you have locs he thinks it’s very cool!

(that’s like the most positive thing I’ve wrote so far..)

Only problem is…..he wants you to do his hair like yours..

”but inosuke, your hair’s gonna fall out! And you can’t loc straight hair!”

He doesn’t wanna hear it..

he gets loud/starts yelling and you have to calm him down

your features are something he notices right off the bat but at the same time it goes right over his head

like he sees you may have a big nose/big lips but he doesn’t really pay much attention to it

like he doesn’t even think ‘everyone is different!’ so why would he pay attention to everyone’s individual features?

he’s looking for if your strong or not if anything 🤷‍♀️

im just gonna put a collage of his questions here cuz I can

”WHY CANT YOU DO MY HAIR LIKE YOURS?!”

”HOW’S YOUR HAIR SO BIG!?”

”HOW COME YOUR HAIR GOES BOING AND MINE DOESNT?!”

”what’s that black thing on your head?” (Durag)

”WHADDYA MEAN MY HAIRS’ GONNA FALL OUT?! YOURS DIDNT!!”

”is your hair a defense technique?? What does it do?”

“how’d you get your hair like that?”

”WHY DO YOU TALK LIKE THAT??”

”I CANT UNDERSTAND YOU!! SPEAK NORMAL!!”

”does your whole village look like that?? SHOW ME!”

his bluntness be getting outta hand ngl

You being a male doesn’t NOT affect inosuke whatsoever

he realized he wanted to be with you, and his mind, you were already his

(he didn’t actually ask you out 🤦‍♀️)

and yeah I pretty much have nothing else to say bc inosuke don’t care.

he’s him like that 🤷‍♀️

Inosuke’s love languages are quality time and gift giving

quality time = training

training = beating

not because he wants to beat you

but just because he doesn’t hold back at all

i hope your stronger than him

cuz if your weak……..😃

with gift giving he’ll remember the things you say you like but……it’ll just end up going..wrong..

for example! You say you need a new durag because it has a hole?

well! The great inosuke has taken the liberty to make you a new one!

like it? 😁

(oh gosh…..you don’t. What is this even made out of??)

”gee thanks..! Inosuke..”😟

”HHAHAHAHAHAH YOU BETTER BE GRATEFUL!! THE GOD OF MOUNTAINS HIMSELF MADE YOU A NEW DURAT!”😼

(yes durat 😋..he doesn’t remember the name)

zenitsu and tanjiro support you two

zenitsu was already aware of non het couples

he doesn’t see the attraction but it’s none of his business to him really

tanjiro is 100% supportive and doesn’t see it any different from a hetero couple

kind confused?? But he’s supportive :)

also commends you for taking on the rambunctious inosuke 😅

inosuke doesn’t care what anyone else has to say about your relationship

Now if they’re passive aggressive he won’t get it-

but if they directly insult either of you—your gonna have to stop him from beating them up 😜

(or join him! 😊)

all in all….your relationship is very chaotic!

you love him regardless <3

Lol inosuke so silly

Hope you enjoyed💝

[gayalanwake]

hey guys so I’m crazy

I KNOW NOBODY GAF i am hyperfixated with literally have no other outlet to unleash my Demons

okay so basically this isn’t like a “normal” playlist (i have one but it’s private as of rn)- it’s basically like. 2 songs per chapter. In order. like the first two songs are about chapter one, the next two songs are about chapter two, etc etc etc. HOWEVERRR I’m not adding songs for chapters that aren’t released, because they can give vague spoilers. HOWEVERRR (again) I went ahead and added the Chapter 10’s songs anyways for fun :3

im not done lol here is an analysis of every song so far bc again im hyperfixated to high hell and this took 15 hours to organize. HEART EMOJI

(Chapter One)

Welcome to Paradise:

WTP is obviously an ironic song.

Pay attention to the cracked streets

And the broken homes

Some call it slums, some call it nice

I want to take you through

A wasteland I like to call my home

Welcome to paradise

This doesn’t need explaining as to why it’s relevant to B&BH lmao. But if you view these lyrics through their perspectives, the song loses its ironic tone. This wasteland of theirs probably GENUINELY IS paradise for them. It’s kinda comedic.

However, in this song, the narrator is speaking to his mother, asking if she can hear him “whining” as well as “laughing.” And viewing that through B&BH’s perspectives adds the slightest bit of tension- a tension that is very relevant and that will be harder to hide as the story progresses.

Another thing- this song being the first on this playlist is also part of the irony, with “paradise” referencing the plot that’s about to unfold, which takes place nowhere near any kind of paradise.

Come Out and Play:

This song is supposed to initially come off as a nothing more than a reference to B&BH being deranged teenagers. And for the most part, it is. It’s placed in Chapter 1 for a reason: Nothing’s happened yet, this is just B&BH as we know them. AKA, deranged teenagers.

However! Some of the lyrics do hint at what’s to come.

It goes down the same as the thousand before

No one's getting smarter, no one's learning the score

Your never-ending spree of death and violence and hate

Is gonna tie your own rope, tie your own rope, tie your own...

Hey, man, you disrespecting me?

Take him out (you gotta keep 'em separated)

Hey, man, you talkin' back to me?!

Take him out (you gotta keep 'em separated)

Over and over and over again are B&BH going to fight each other because of- unbeknownst to them- their suppressed romantic feelings. and it’s frustrating to watch because their self-destruction is so clear and yet they remain blinded by and to their own dysfunction. This is symbolized in the song, where the narrator has called out the teenagers’ destructive behavior more than once but is continuously interrupted mid-sentence by the cycle of needless violence that never seems to end (is gonna tie your own rope, tie your own rope, tie your ownHEY!!!! MAN YOU TALKING BACK TO ME???). Nothing is getting through. Nobody’s learning.

But you probably shouldn’t separate them.

(Chapter Two)

Fat Lip:

Okay this one is not that deep LMAOOO. Unlike Come Out and Play, this one is purely about them being deranged teenagers, bc this chapter focuses more heavily on their antics.

All The Small Things:

This chapter plays out like any normal day for these characters, and because of that, it may seem like pointless. But what it’s meant to do is serve as a reference point (all of the first three chapters are, actually). What that means is that the more the plot and B&BH will spiral, these first 3 chapters are a reminder of what once was, and they go from funny to bittersweet.

ATST is about how while this chapter is more so slice of life, the “small things” are nevertheless really important to these two. AKA, this is their ten-thousandth uneventful day together, but they’re together, and that’s what they care about. I am making no sense . Fuck it we ball

(Chapter Three)

My Hero:

Reminder that Chapter 3 is the chapter when Beavis falls down the stairs and Butt-Head starts tweaking. This song is meant to be taken through Beavis’ perspective.

There goes my hero

Watch him as he goes

There goes my hero

He's ordinary

This song in the context of the fic appears to be nothing more than a sarcastic jab. Like wow Butt-Head what a great fucking hero you are. However, we know that as much as Beavis talks shit to Butt-Head, there is a very strong love within him. He will never admit it, but this guy IS his hero. This song is genuine, and Beavis doesn’t know it. We have genuine love that is being sarcastically sung. Have you guys caught on that im bad at explaining things. This is a lot better in my head

Where Are You Going:

Meanwhile! This song is through Butt-Head’s perspective!

I am no Superman

I have no reasons for you

I am no hero

Oh, that's for sure

But I do know one thing

Is where you are is where I belong

I do know where you go

That's where I want to be

see why i bolded those lines LMAO

He’s Beavis’s hero… but Butt-Head is no hero. He loves Beavis, but he is also an unhealed, traumatized victim of Joanna. He is terrifyingly emotionally stunted, violence is always his answer, and much, much more. I mean goddamn he was this close to KILLING Beavis in this chapter- not that it’s the first time either of them have tried to or have indirectly nearly caused each other’s demise and not given one singular fuck (except for the episodes Take A Bow and The Day Butt-Head Went Too Far). And in the song, the lyrics just straight up state this (again, I am no hero).

And like Beavis in the last song, these meaning of these lyrics are also something Butt-Head “doesn’t know.” At least, not consciously. He is no hero. He is cruel, borderline barbaric, oh, that’s for sure. But the love he has for Beavis is literally life-defining. Where you are is where I belong, no matter where that is, even if it’s in hell. This song represents Butt-Head’s constant psychological battle between the love he feels and the person he was abused into becoming. (Note: this symbolism can also be applied to Beavis).

(Chapter Four)

Highway to Hell:

haha look it’s the guy named butthole’s song

I’ll try to keep this one short. This song is referencing their antics at the beginning of the chapter (aka, robbery LMAO). But… also… they are literally on a highway to hell, since at the end of the chapter is the cuddling scene that sets everything off.

I’m So Into You:

not a lot to say here either! I actually already talked about this song before (on a post I cannot find! eye twitching). The lyrics are self-explanatory.

I'm so into you

I don't know what I'm gonna do

Boy, you got me so confused

I don't know what I'm gonna do

The song is also about pining for a man who is already in a relationship, which is fitting, since this is the chapter where Butt-Head meets Hannah.

(Chapter Five)

So Much To Say:

I have also spoken about this song before! And while it’s mentioned in Chapter Seven, it’s referencing the events in Chapter Five, which is why I made it Ch. 5’s song. Okay anyways

I say my hell is the closet, I'm stuck inside

haha get it. gay. okay anyways

Can't see the light

Keep it locked up inside

Don't talk about it

T-T-Talk about the weather

Yeah, yeah, yeah

What were they doing in Chapter Five again??? Ohh yeahhh keeping their feelings abt the prior night locked up inside and talking about the weather instead. It’s simple and straight-forward but fits so perfectly i love it so much lmao

Take On Me:

okay so I will be completely honest here. I stole the idea of using this song for emo reasons from The Last of Us 2 LMAOOOOO

Youtuber TLOU Explained did a beautiful analysis video on the relationship between Ellie and Dina, the game’s main characters. In one scene, Ellie sings an acoustic version of “Take On Me” to Dina, and TLOU Explained describes the song’s meaning as this,

“I also think the lyrics of this song are especially poignant, summarizing Ellie and Dina’s relationship in just one line. Ellie sings, ‘Take me on,’ including all of her grief and baggage, everything that she is now, which Dina has already shown that she’s willing to do and will do for as long as she can. Ellie sings, ‘I’ll be gone in a day or two,’ and tragically, in two days from now, the Ellie that Dina knows and loves will be gone.”

I’m only mentioning this because that video is what made me realize what the writers of The Last of Us 2 were doing- what these lyrics, sung in an upbeat tone, can symbolize in a more tragic way. And I don’t want people to think I came up with the idea of using “Take On Me” in a serious way because i absolutely did not LMAO (Note: I wouldn’t do this if this story was an original project. This is just a fanfiction, so I don’t mind taking inspiration from The Last of Us 2 so directly).

Anyways, this song is meant to represent the end of Chapter Five, when Beavis finally recalls what happened the night before and is wrestling with the weight of it all. Using such a fun song seems ironic, but 1) I am a sucker for upbeat songs playing during dramatic moments (i.e., the song “Our Love” in Episode 2 of Arcane). 2) Like I already explained, the lyrics mean more than they appear.

In the context of the fic, the verse, “Take me on,” is a dare. It’s a dare to both characters. Take on what happened between us. I dare you. I dare you to take on what it means to be in love with someone like me. Take me on.

I'll be gone

In a day or two

(Chapter Six)

Bullet With Butterfly Wings:

While both characters can work with this song, this chapter is about Butt-Head being more awful than usual to Beavis, who is trying his best to get back to normal. So, this song is about Beavis.

The world is a vampire

Sent to drain

And Butt-Head is Beavis’ world.

(I feel like the rest of the lyrics don’t really need explaining lmao)

Smile Like You Mean It:

Not too much to say here! The title of the song alone pretty much sums it up. These two (Beavis, especially) are trying to act like everything is okay, but it’s not. They’re “smiling,” but they’re not meaning it.

(Chapter Seven)

In The End:

Once again, this song was mentioned in Chapter Eight, but it’s about Chapter Seven, so that’s why it’s here.

This one is basically Beavis’ breaking point. He’s tried and tried and tried to get things back to normal, and Butt-Head is being everything but cooperative. The last song, “Smile Like You Mean It” is like his final Hail Mary, he’s demanding himself to “smile” like he means it. But in “In The End,” he’s completely given up on trying to fix things. Well, not really. We know that Beavis would never actually give up on Butt-Head. But emotions are high, he’s pissed, and Butt-Head is continuously making everything worse.

How long will he last

Before he's a creep in the past

And you're alone once again?

Will you pop up again

And be my special friend

'Til the end?

And when will that be?

I figured out what you're all about

And I don't think I like what I see

So I hope I won't be there in the end

If you come around

No More Like That:

This song is through Butt-Head’s perspective, and it’s almost a whiplash. The song is a slow, depressing ballad, which is 1) in stark contrast to the prior song, and 2) doesn’t match Butt-Head at all. But it’s representing how Butt-Head put himself aside at the end of this chapter to try to fix things with Beavis. The song is different, and so is Butt-Head’s behavior.

You know you're breaking my heart

And I'm coming apart

Calling in sick

(Chapter Eight)

Hook:

oooo one of my favorites lmao

Okay, so if you’re unaware of this song, its point is that it’s pointless. These are literally the lyrics:

It doesn't matter what I say

So long as I sing with inflection

That makes you feel I'll convey

Some inner truth or vast reflection

But I've said nothing so far

And I can keep it up for as long as it takes

And it don't matter who you are

If I'm doing my job then it's your resolve that breaks

Because the Hook brings you back

I ain't tellin' you no lie

The Hook brings you back

On that you can rely

In the context of this fic, it’s meant to call attention to how this is pretty much the state Beavis and Butt-Head are in right now. Sure, they’re no longer fighting, but have they… actually resolved anything? They didn’t directly confront the issue, and more so swept everything under the rug in an attempt to get things back to how they were. They’ve said nothing so far, but the hook brings them back, the hook being the somewhat familiarity that has returned. It doesn’t matter how shaky or unstable it is, it’s familiar, it’s the hook, and it keeps bringing them back. It doesn’t matter what they say, as long as they sing with inflection. You get it lmao. This is a banger song btw i highly recommend it

Mt. Washington:

This one is about the end of the chapter, where Beavis has a breakdown over his mother.

Face stained in the ceiling

Why does it keep saying?

I don't have to see you right now

I don't have to see you right now

This part is literal. Beavis literally stares at the ceiling the entire night instead of sleeping.

Digging like you can bury

Something that cannot die

We could wash the dirt off our hands now

Keep it from living underground

This is a call to how Beavis has suppressed everything about his mother. What she has done, what she has not done, Shirley herself. Shirley cannot die, yet Beavis keeps digging.

Lazy summer goddess

You can tell our whole empire

I don't have to see you right now

I don't have to see you right now

“Goddess” being Shirley, for she is weirdly like a divine figure to him. She has hurt him over and over again, telling him, “I don’t have to see you right now,” and yet he clings onto her.

The rest of the song repeats the verse, I don’t have to see you right now. The instruments get louder, the singer starts shouting, everything starts getting faster. It’s like a spiral. Beavis is spiraling.

(Chapter Nine)

Here Before:

This one is Van Driessen’s relationship to Beavis and Butt-Head and how he sees their mothers in everything they do, how they have been here before.

Once I had a child

He was wilder than moonlight

He could do it all

Like he'd been here before

This is about Beavis and Shirley. Wilder than moonlight (Interesting… moonlight isn’t that wild). He could do it all. She could do it all.

Then I had a child

Took his while like northern summer

And he knows it all

Like he's been here before

This is about Butt-Head and Joanna. Took his while like northern summer. He knows it all. Joanna knew it all (We see this trait in the way she talks to Van Driessen in the Chapter 8 flashback) (And of course, in reality, Butt-Head and Joanna do not know it all. It’s the exact opposite. But in their minds, it’s very true).

Somethin’ Stupid:

And of course, the love ballad between a man and a woman is about Butt-Head and Hannah. orrrrrrr is it LOL

The time is right, your perfume fills my head

The stars get red, and, oh, the night's so blue

And then I go and spoil it all

By saying somethin' stupid like, "I love you"

Something interesting here, is why would saying, “I love you,” spoil anything? The narrators are clearly in love. They are on a date, singing fondly of the experience and of one another. But in the context of the fic, as we know, Hannah saying, “I love you,” does. spoil. everything.

And the sentence repeats itself, over and over again. It’s a sweet, genuine echo in Hannah’s head. But for Butt-Head, the echo is a slow, suffocating realization.

"I love you"

"I love you"

"I love you"

"I love you"

aaaaaaand unless I’ve been executed by the state i will go off about the rest of the songs when the chapters are released. BUH BYEEEEEEEEEE

[suosage]

it just fits so well that the 'quarrel' after night snow is one-sided lol idk i think it fits sae that he probably thought of night snow and all the things before that as like. shrugs. 'things happened.'

it's just all too normal yk. the little brother admired the older, the older protected the younger; the older leaving home first and they faced the world alone while the younger stayed back and saw only the house without the older. the older came back different and the younger only different in a way where time was the culprit while the older a victim of something much more real, something something?

going to spain and living in a competitive environment alone gave him a sense of stoicism unmatched i cant help but giggle a little im sorry.. to me, sae saw night snow as a mere hiccup in their brotherhood. i do think he was hurt, he was angry; he told rin that he'd always be on his side but that night rin declared he wasn't on his, like blaming sae for it even, even if he didn't mean to but it's also like. i think sae realized that this too partly happened because of him, and that. rin didn't mean it. need to have a footnote for this part i feel like.

anyways i just think sae has the capacity to acknowledge all of this and then move on. first off it's not a big deal, secondly it's too much of a common story to make such a fuss of (i think he also has the capacity to compartmentalize his problems n not deal with it), and thirdly i think he sees this as an opportunity for rin to grow up. he does love rin after all. maybe becoming the main target for all rin's rage is his way to love him this time

footnote bc augh night snow sae was. A Lot

i love rin's kaijuu backstory chapters it shed a new light on itoshi bros' relationship and how night snow was so precise in hurting sae lol. obviously we don't know yet what sae was thinking, but i think he went home with certain expectations; him taking early flight and visiting kamakura youth to tell rin about all that felt like it. and rin turned all of those expectations upside down.

both sae and rin took their siblinghood for granted, and it is how night snow hurt them. sae, probably, being the one that proposed he would always be on rin's side, thought rin would take his new convictions well and they'd continue on with their life. <- he didn't think he'd let rin down in the sense that oooohh our dream is overrrr what do we do now, only probably a little bit in a sense that he's not as cool as rin had thought of him anymore, but whatever, right? sae even said that rin could still become the no. 1 striker. it's no big deal. but rin thought it was!

after all, it was sae himself who told rin that anything besides being a striker was pointless. then sae found out rin had 'become' him in order to support his team. that's another punch in the face: how could he let his true self gone like that and still expect the world to recognize him? using sae as his mold at that, as if sae hadn't just been beaten up by the world!

and then rin said there's no point in playing anymore. he could just say his failure was all sae's fault really they're the same thing

so i think he was angry, understandably so, but anyways i just wanted to say that i think despite sae's words sounding like he wanted rin to disappear from his life, and despite those actually expressing his inner turmoil, it was also in some twisted way reflected his brotherly sort of role that was shown in kaijuu chapters. he wanted rin to grow up.

and that kaneshiro said that only rin thought that they're still having a quarrel is just so funny to me... it's true. i think sae revising his dream showed that he had the ability to accept reality and then move on with what he realistically had, he also said that he 'only lives in the present' in the bible. i believe he would recognize that rin only lashed out like that because sae had been coddling him so much before he went abroad and that rin was partly correct that this was all because of him, and that was the reason why he was hurt the night before, and then just. move on. like what can he do about it.

after night snow and some pondering, in my head he'd find rin lowkey ridiculous for lashing out like that because it's like. it was only sae who had lost, why did rin suddenly give up like that. that's ridiculous. it may be good that he'd left rin to ponder over this problem and find what he truly wanted by himself but also like lol. he's probably wishing rin would get over it quickly bc else it's just gonna be embarrassing for him

[therearenonutsforsomeendermen]

Its currently 5:30 am as im writing this cuz I just woke up from a dream that actually made me mad

Im sitting on the steps in my house scrolling through youtube when I see a spiderverse shortfilm that was "an early script rendition that was scrapped" that they decided to animate for some reason. I Iater find that theres also one released to netflix that had an alternative beginning. I'll talk about the bits that I remember. We start with an interview with a news reporter who is interviewing miles as spiderman where after the interview it reveals that she knows miles personally and knows his secret. He then rides a motorcycle home? (Don't ask cuz I dont have an answer) He goes to the roof to find his dad gardening. (cuz why not) they talk for a bit and it seems like he want to tell him that he's spiderman, but before he can, the spot shows up and is angry at miles, as per usual, and starts tryna pick a fight with him when Miguel appears out of nowhere and decides that he wants to kill all 3 of them and he'll do it in anyway possible. He start by webbing jeff and the spot and throwing them in the air so he can focus on destroying miles. (or something) The spot, who could easily catch himself and land safely, decides that he can't do it, so Jeff has to. How could he do this, you may be asking yourself? Well, the spot, now free from the webs starts to TAKE HIS SUIT OFF REVEALING THAT HE WAS HUMAN UNDERNEATH THE WHOLE TIME. It was at this point that my dream self paused it and tossed the phone across the room, which is what I do when I'm mad at something I see on it. My sister then looks over at me and asks why I did it and I just look at her and go "I CAN'T TELL YOU >:(" there was a good ten minutes left in the video that I didn't watch so I don't know what happened after that

So lets talk about the fact that the spot wearing a SUIT COMPLETELY DISREGARDS HIS WHOLE STRUGGLE IN THE ACTUAL MOVIE. His struggle was that his whole life was destroyed because his face was gone and there was no way to get it back, and he resented spiderman for it. I know that in the comics, he had a suit and that he can make himself look normal when need be, (which is probably where my dream got the idea from) but the same does not go for the movie. His whole identity as the spot revolves around how everyone and everything he had was taken from him because of him no longer being human, so to make him human again makes it all pointless. So needless to say I was pissed off and dream me was glad that it was a scrapped version of the script.

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk

[stabbedthrutheeye]

okay so im posting those tags from that last post as a separate post because i want to talk about this shit:

here we go on one of my tangents but i firmly firmly firmly believe that judaism needs to completely get rid of fasting as a practice#that shit never made me feel closer to god but you know what it DID do? it made my body forget how to feel hunger!!! because my body started to learn that i will willfully ignore my hunger signals#and my body decided that my hunger signals are basically pointless. i know this probably sounds exaggeratory because we only have 6 fasts a year but im telling you i could feel my body 'training'' itself to stop feeling hungry. i watched it happen year by year did i have the ''option'' to take a medical exemption? sure. did i also have my mom in my ear telling me how RiGhTeOuS it was when people could take medical exemptions and chose not to? ALSO YES. so little ocd me WATCHED AS MY BODY LEARNED TO STOP FEELING HUNGRY. FOR YEARS. and now i dont feel hungry until i reach the point that im shaking and dizzy.

okay and to add onto all that^... today was apparently a fast day. i had no goddamn fucking clue because to be keep it real with yall i have not been practicing judaism very well for. uh. a while. because of a lot of reasons (executive dysfunction, not having the time or resources for it, ~trauma~) and jodi decided to bring that up in front of her boyfriend and basically made me feel like a bad jew and i just. this woman has taken so fucking much from me. she permanently injured my back. she gave me so much ptsd that im surprised i can function as a social creature at all. she made the holiest day of my culture/sort-of-religion into a massive trigger for me to the point that i dont think i will EVER be able to participate in yom kippur normally as long as i live. but i think ruining my ABILITY TO FEEL HUNGER is like. the fucking PEAK. i can deal with the social issues and the chronic pain and the ptsd and the psychosexual problems but... i dont know how i will ever be able to fix this particular issue. i cant magically bring my hunger signals back. i can journal out my mental problems, i can get ibuprofen and a cane for my back, but i cannot, i CANNOT. bring back my ability to feel hunger. that woman ruined my life before it even started. i hate her six different ways on a good day.

[auspex]

for mark: 13, 19, 21, 32, 36, 51, 59, 63, 69

HIII thank u for sending! - 13. what are some motifs you associate with them? did you intentionally bring in those motifs, or did it happen over time?

Uhmmm I don’t know if I have specific motifs but here are some things that are like. His. ~He says “very funny” a lot sarcastically - intentionally done early on ~He wears sweater vests a lot - ST made it canon because he is wearing them in a lot of art of his ~In general themes of privacy (or the lack therof) are things his story deals with FUCK IDK I can’t think of anything good im sorryy

-

19. what sparks genuine, unadulterated rage in them?

Due to the blood bond, criticizing/demonizing (in his view) Julius can piss him off really fast. It did so in game even when his touchstone did it, to the point where he shoved him and had to leave to prevent more violence. He will also get incredibly angry if someone were to tell him that humans are all evil/useless/pointless but is better at hiding that if needed. 

-

21. do they have an idea about how they’ll die? do you?

Me? No idea. I hope he does not die anytime soon. I want him to die after unliving longer than a human one but not so long that he loses too much humanity. Him? He is hoping that he lives forever. If you got an honest answer out of him he would probably say he expects to die trying to free himself from Julius one of these nights, but hopefully not anytime soon. 

-

32. which of your decisions led to their voice being the way it is?

I’m confused on this being literal voice or like. Voice in like how they speak so I will answer how he speaks because I feel that actual has reasoning behind it other than vibes? His pretentious way of speaking came from me deciding he will put on a strict persona normally of being a professor nerdy guy. He hides a lot of himself which is why he keeps his tone more flat, and sometimes snarky, to fit that persona. 

-

36. how do they fidget?

Mark plays with his glasses a lot of a lot. Usually keeping them on his face, constant minor adjustments. He’ll wring his hands excessively if he doesn't have them for whatever reason; he isn’t comfortable without them. 

-

51. what element of their backstory are you proudest of?

Honestly a lot of his backstory came much later and was fleshed out after a very long time and the ST helped a lot with the more immediate backstory bits.. Hm. 

On initial creation the thing I am most proud of making A Thing was making him a former street racer cause that really helped to start fleshing him out. At this point the thing I am most proud of is probably essentially tracing the broad strokes of his whole human life - the city he went to. How school was for him. His parent’s jobs. What his uni life was like. Why his touchstones were so important. Stuff like that. I also like that I figured out things about his autism that are similar AND different from mine. That isn't one element so uhm. One element is how he believes in the good of humanity and how that is tied to his passion for history :)

-

59. what’s an element of their philosophy that you disagree with?

Mark thinks human society gets better slowly and incrementally. That’s fine and I agree it is getting better - I just disagree that it's a slow incremental process. People have to fight for it and people have fought for it. It doesn't happen naturally over time. Hmm what else. Oh he also believes in soulmates and ‘the one’ and all of that, and has a very idealistic, non-materialist view of love and romance. I don’t agree with that either - soul mates aren’t really a thing. And unlike Mark I do not think romantic relationships have to be/are always the most meaningful ones in someone’s life. 

-

63. what’s a meme or tiktok or vine (or whatever) that you associate with them?

I don’t really have any augh. :( I mean. When I hear ‘sad wet pathetic dog of a man��� that’s Mark 100 percent. Does that count. OH WAIT I DO HAVE A VIDEO: https://www.tumblr.com/blood-bound/728585123578118144?source=share&ref=_tumblr

him as a living professor

-

69. what’s one secret they don’t want getting out?

Mark has a lot they don’t want getting out… he doesn’t want people to know Sampson is not blood bonded to him, nor that he cares about him. He doesn’t want people to know who his sire is. He doesn’t want anyone to know he is trying to kill his sire. He doesn’t want people to know he’s gay. He doesn’t want people to know that he feels lonely. He doesn’t want people to know that he finds most kindred’s attitudes towards kind abhorrent. He doesn’t want people to know that he has a soft spot for the gargoyles. 

Honestly he doesn’t want the vast majority people to really know him at all. Only the image he projects. 

Still though, of the above the one he would choose to hide if he could only pick one is the one about killing his sire. That one would cause either his final death or total blood-bond enslavement forever. 

[pesterass]

twistedEcclesiastic [TE] began trolling tawdryCaricaturist [TC]

TE: I aM herE ouT oF purE fuckinG desperatioN. I aM minD-fuckinG fuckinglY fuckinG BOREd TE: mY matespriT iS DEAd oR likE probablY sleepinG anD I donT reallY talK tO anythinG elsE?? TE: anD yourE A faT stupiD fuckinG punchinG baG anD thatS FUn. NYEHEHEHEH TC: aww im really that entertaining to you? : P TC: i thought you had lots of other troll friends karmis! what happened?? TE: dO yoU havE dementiA?? wheN diD I eveR saY I havE trolL friendS I fuckinG HATe EVERYONe TC: well they all seem to know about you! i just figured you were all friends : ) TC: so if your lying your not really doing a good job of it right now : P TE: thatS jusT becausE I makE enemieS whereveR I gO NYEHEHEHEH TE: fucK thA haterS TC: haha true : ) TC: arent you a hater though? TC: just like in general TE: yeaH duH. fucK mE fucK yoU I donT givE A shiT! NYEH TE: whateveR. I donT carE foR labelS TC: thats cool me neither : ) TC: your friends are cool though i think you should hate on them a little less TE: ugH fucK WHo arE yoU EVEn TALKINg ABOUt???!!!! TC: ummm TC: well i met rozzie the robot and the guy that built him TC: he made it sound like your friends with him : ) TC: unless he was lying? TC: i dunno he sounded kind of tricky TE: STOp TYPINg!!! TC: WHAT? TE: STOp TE: rozziE iS NOt mY "frienD". fuckinG perioD! enD oF storY!! TE: itS A triggeR happY psychopathiC littlE freaK anD thaT nerD lukE needS tO keeP iT oN A leasH TC: his name is luke? TC: you guys are aliens and one of you is named luke? TE: welL youR namE iS ryaN. NYEHEHEH TE: hiS namE iS lukeiS anywayS TC: luke is what? TE: lukeiS TC: oh thats his name? TC: how do you even pronouns that TE: whaT iS fuckinG wronG witH yoU arE yoU actuallY braiN damageD? TC: no im actually normal!! sheesh TC: anyways LUKEIS (still weird) says that hes your best friend : ) TC: trust me! TE: whaT fuckinG eveR? I donT reallY carE TC: are you sure? TE: arE yoU stupid? TC: i dunno! TC: you came to me for entertainment so you dont get to complain TC: dummy TC: hey so whats a matesprit? is that another weird word your going to make fun of me for not knowing about TE: yeS iT iS! NYEH. lonelY loseR dickwaD TE: alsO I donT knoW whaT itS likE oN youR stupiD planeT buT oN ourS wE havE A littlE thinG calleD freedoM oF insultS sO I caN complaiN alL I wanT TC: yeah i guess we have something like that! its called bullying TE: "meeeH meeH meeH mY namE iS wayaN yourE bullyinG mE becausE iM sO stupiD anD I donT eveN knoW whaT A matespriT iS oR probablY eveN hoW tO spelL halF thE alphabeT meeH meeH" TC: i didnt say that! TE: yeS yoU diD looK yoU jusT diD, weirdO TC: how come your allowed to complain but im not? thats kind of stupid TC: if your going to try to be mean you might as well be fair about it! >: P TE: therE yoU fuckinG gO agaiN beinG thE mosT stupiD persoN iN thE fuckinG universE. itS likE yourE ADDICTED TE: I neveR eveR saiD yoU couldnT complaiN itS jusT youR complaintS arE 1.stupiD 2.dumB 3.bullshiT 4.pathetiC(verY) 5.donT matteR. NYEH TE: NYEHEHEH TC: i guess but you complain about EVERYTHING TC: literally every single little thing TC: i think that makes your complaints even more pointless TC: i dont really take you seriously anymore : P TE: diD I asK yoU thougH? TE: XP TC: hehehe TE: yoU caN takE mE seriouslY oR noT, aS lonG aS yourE stilL A stupiD nobodY I wiN X) TE: yoU arE fuckinG dirT undeR mY cooL shoeS, PATHETIc TE: NYEHEHEHEH TC: suuuuure karmis : P TE: lalalalalalalA I canT heaR yoU TC: yeah you can : ) TE: whaT? TC: okay if you cant here me then i guess you wont react to me calling you a STUPID JERK TC: karmis smells like AAAAAAAAAAASS!!! >: D TE: nyeH TE: NYEHEHEHEHEHEH TE: NYEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH X) TC: nyehehe! >: P TE: heY thatS My THINg TWERp TC: SEE you heard me : D

twistedEcclesiastic [TE] ceased trolling tawdryCaricaturist [TC]

[single-malt-scotch]

ok so i am home from my vacation and i have only had time to watch bdubs' SL pov and hlf of cleo's rn. regardless wanted to ramble my thoughts on this session and fair warning it isnt gonna be super positive (the short: didnt really like it) so yeah.

reminder though i absolutely Love these people. i love how they play and theyre great and im watching first and foremost bc i like seeing them have fun. my issues lie in the series' mechanics, how it plays, the technical function, management etc.

the thing about watching one pov is i feel like it can also spell out other issues but i will get to that later

obviously the big thing. the "infection" task. listen.... the concept of a boogeyman infection by itself is cool! i like that! but.... not here?????? out of all series.

there is no regen, and this fact is conflicting to me because i feel like the boogey should be struggling against those theyre trying to infect, and minecraft's regen would be that struggle, like it has been for every past boogey chasing their targets.

you have to kill everyone not red? not red???? so like 90% of the server? insane.

this was an EASY TASK........... this pisses me more on what this season's rules have been implied to be. suddenly, they arent really making sense. i will go into this deeper.

this just doesnt seem like the right place to plant this task. it is hugely impactful and feels like it is happening for no reason. if they were going on like 10+ episodes and grian was formally like "well, secret keeper wants this wrapped up so lets see what task hes gonna give all of us!" and then boom, this is it. then cool. make up a proper excuse like wrapping up the season.

it was too much of a shocker, unprepared for, and with how intense it is by needing to kill everyone left it feeling very unfair to the people i was watching. Bdubs had just died previously and now lost all his hearts in one session because of the force of another task. as did many others. if there was to even be any slight alteration to more "fairness" it could have been "the one you killed is now boogey. hand them the book and make them kill someone by themself. you are no longer infected. you cannot kill the person who killed you." or something idk. every part of the server going after one person is way too much.

regarding rules and whatnot, i was already kind of annoyed by this previous session too. there are two tasks now that have me going "how tf is this "easy"?" Bdubs' task of chicken causing damage-- an amount that had to go as high as anyone could stand it-- seems way too harsh as an easy task. there were a few tasks where health could be lost, but none of it was deliberate "lose as much as possible". losing the same amount of health as another player (like grian and joel) is not the same as telling the player they basically need to lose as much as possible compared to someone else in order to win the challenge. grian and etho's hard tasks took a lot of damage (to others mostly lol) but it was a destructive hard task. bdubs' with the dragon was as well.

but gem's task especially... i mean, holy crap. that is a red life's task, or a hard task at most! even if i liked the whole thing i think id still be on the page of saying that is not an "easy" task. a red life getting this task would have been interesting too because it would put a ton of risk on them to survive and get it done. and sure, theyd get some allies in the infected but theyd still be a target in the fights. that would have been tense for them!

cancelling out all of the others' tasks when they were infected made sense but it totally changed the direction of people's videos. it forced them to be different to everyone. suddenly the first quarter or half of the video is just void and pointless. when the tasks basically direct their entire motive and how they act towards everyone, forcing them into big choices they cannot change, i think its bad. social tasks that pass off as kind normal are funny (etho's weeping angel, get scar to talk abt star wars, compliment ppl when they take damage etc), or outward and confusing but not character controlling ones (kill the dragon, connect your base to others, etc). ones that direct a player so strongly shouldnt ruin their interactions with everyone else either (playing tag-- took up a lot of time but players were "neutral" to everyone and carried on as normal).

some people were saying this task could be to speed up the series. im not really sure abt that. regardless i am sure they thought this would just be an interesting thing to do and thats why they did it. (i have seen martyn on here sometimes talking vaguely abt tasks being random and whatnot and no offense to him but it doesnt sound like at all he does have all the information to knowing this. i mean, why would he? hes a player. the admins are doing things he has no clue about. hes not even firmly stating anything. hes just saying what he knows, which i dont think is at all everything the admins are doing in front of them). i have seen this series play with many balance issues through its lifetime and i think this season esp shows a lot of that again. grian stated around one season how theres no play testing really. the admins might run some stuff i guess but theyre not testing much. and thats very obvious when limlife had that issue of deaths not showing in chat (and hey look, it happened again!) or boogey kills in LL and LimLife (along with normal kills in Lim) not being detected by means that were not direct (mechanically this just happens, you cant fix it. but they did not prepare to deal with this at all and it was chaotic to watch in Limlife and caused a lot of confusion on who got time).

i have repeating some of these things about SL already so i dont want to drone on again. i have been kinda neutral to SL because many eps were fine, i didnt love every task (personally didnt like etho getting so many "out of character" ones, like please give this man a break he is so socially awkward its hard to watch). but this session and last session have me not enjoying the task concept.

from the start i just wished this season was about not being able to regen hearts and thats it. i need something simple, dude. its getting convoluted. and its obvious with the amount of hall monitoring and the amount of talk the cc have in these videos telling hall monitors to stop, to explain successes or failures, etc etc. they should have to do that. limlife already had some ppl getting picky about who got time or not but this is even more subjective and confusing!! im sure theyre still having fun and i like seeing them having fun here but as a viewer im just seeing a concept that has too much going on, stuff that doesnt have a simple yes or no answer sometimes and i dont think thats good for a series like this, one that started out so incredibly simple and straight forward.

[autisticlee]

almost every time I have met online friends irl, they stop talking to me either immediately after or very soon after, usually after increasingly acting weird or distant towards me. it makes me feel awful. and then i'm afraid to meet anyone irl again.

I feel so silly and stupid that I have a lowkey fear creeping below the surface about going to visit my friend and their gf this summer. what if they end up hating me 🙃 i've thought about mentioning it to my friend, but I don't want to make them feel bad about it!!!!!! it's not their fault I feel this gross fear. they didn't do anything to make it happen. they're super excited and always tell me about it!! i'm the one that is struggling to feel excited because i'm haunted by past experiences that will not stop repeating like i'm stuck in an endless loop of hell!!!!! 😭

I try to remind myself that thos friend also

I seem to give off this bad vibe irl that everyone except me notices and it makes people want to avoid me. I don't know what it is or how to fix it but I wish I could!!!! perhaps i'm just simply not likable 🥲 i've had people want to be roommates and act like best friends meet me irl and suddenly start avoiding me until they straight-up ghost me. I don't understand 😔

i'm very willing to work on myself....if I knew wtf was wrong with me!!!!! but I do not!!

I also fear it's something I can't change and it's something that's part of me, so I literally can't do anything unless I mask and become a fake person. but that's so uncomfortable and lonely in itself and feels pointless. what if it's just normal autism traits and people are assholes???? then I have no choice in the matter.

everyone tells me i'll ~find the right ones~ or whatever. befriend other autistic or ND people. but it never matters. they all end up the same in the end!!!!! fellow autistic and adhd people have hurt me MORE than NTs!!! do you know how many times I thought I did find "the right people," made them promise to not do what the last ones did, promise to respect my needs and boundaries, and promise to be honest and talk everything out, but then a little while down the way they do exactly the same shit they promised not to that everyone else did?!

when the same shit keeps happening over and over, at what point does it stop being "other people are the assholes" and become "im obviously the problem" ??????? i'll have people tell me it's not me that's the problem. it's other people. those same people will become "the other people" themselves. so is it REALLY them that's the problem, or am I too goddamn stupid to know what's wrong with me and what i'm doing wrong ?!

sometimes people will put a blame on me but not tell me why it's me. just a broad statement with no details that point fingers at me. "you're gaslighting me" (after opening up to a close friend group about a difficult thing I had just experienced and that was the response one gave and then completely ghosted with no explanation, leading to the whole group abandoning me)

sometimes people will complain about certain things I can't help. "you ruined my whole day!" (some girl telling me this, a few months later after kicking me out of a group. I needed help navigating nyc subway to the bus station because my phone GPS didn't work there and she said it was ok, she'd gladly help me. then yelled at me about it a while later when she got mad about something else, about how I ruined her day that time by making her help me and being a burden 🙃✌️)

sometimes someone will drop out basically mid conversion, get extremely distant, go from replying with novels to one word replies until not responding at all, then suddenly block me a year later after ignoring me. only to come at me with "you stopped caring about me and haven't messaged me in a year" despite our last messages being me saying I miss them, them saying they've been busy (despite having the time to talk to multiple other people and ppat their message screenshots online every day and be online all the time) and me responding telling them to message me when they aren't busy so we can chat again, but never getting a response!!) only for them to admit they muted me and didn't want to talk to me "for no reason" they literally said that to me lmao wtf. how is there "no reason"

sometimes it IS them that's the problem though. like one girl who accused me of liking her and sabotaged our whole friendship based on these baseless delusions she had. sje decided she was going to "choose" to be straight (she's bi) and decided i'm a "man" (I was trans masc and starting my transition at the time, but am actually nonbinary. it was just required to be trans masc where I live to get treatment. nb people aren't allowed) and she decided guys and girls can't ever be "just friends" she even got very upset at me when I told her she's wrong and not even my type and i'm asexual/probably aromantic. she claims I ~knew saying that would hurt her~ because she apparently told me that kind of thing hurts her before. I did not know this, she never told me this. that's also a weird thing to think/say??? saying it upsets you that someone ISNT attracted to you but also being upset and ruining the friendship if they are??? what the fuck lmao. goofy behavior. I thought she'd be delighted to hear she was wrong about that but nope. she wanted to feel good that someone liked her even if it cost the friendship. haha weird 🙃 she also talked shit about me being autistic at one point lol. fellow ND being a ND hater. sue was all kinds of messed up, but at least I knew it was for sure her that was the problem and not me this one time. but she wasted so much of my time and energy that I can't get back.

it's not always clear why people do what they do, and it drives me insane until I can figure it out. most of the time I cannot. so I go on knowing i'll unknowingly fuck everything up yet again. it feels guaranteed.

I just want a stable and comfortable friendship that's close and secure. one I know will last. one where I can relax and enjoy the time with the other person and not have to be hyperaware of every little detail and look out for potential patterns I recognize that every friendship seems to fall into just like the last, that will lead to the same shit. then force me to have to try harder to save the friendship before it gets worse!!!! but trying seems to make it worse somehow. I don't fuckijg know.

I AM TIRED AND EXHAUSTED AND DONE. i've reached the point where I don't have the energy or willpower to try getting closer with anyone and have to sit here feeling lonely and disconnected from everyone. I don't feel like I have even one single person I can trust or rely on. not one. if I go to anyone, i'll just burden and annoy them. they can say I won't all the want, but that's always a lie. always. last time I trusted a group wo told me that, I got told I was gaslighting them. not told why or how. but apparently losing a thing important to me and confiding in my closest friends about it is "gaslighting" now and is justification to cancel me from our group trip and then not invite me back into the group chat when I switch accounts LOL.

after that shit, I just cannot. I genuinely thought that were "THE ONES" you know, those mythical "the right people" i'm alwaus being told about thar apparently exist. but every time I find them, I am wrong. so I have no fucking clue what to even look for. they seemed so good at first!!!! how do I find better???? and how do I not fuck it up wven thought I can't figure out what the FUCK I did wrong by sharing a very deep, personal, important thing with my closet trusted friends?!

if "the right people" can't even accept me then wtf am I supposed to do??? I feel like I either deserve this, not having friends or anyone to rely on, or I just have to accept that i'll always be alone. maybe I can have little casual surface friendships....but I'll never have anything deeper and closer. i'll never have the type of thing I feel I need that's hard to explain. maybe it's just the trust of knowing something will last and is stable. i've never had that. i've been walking on egg shells my whole life around everyone. and its so uncomfortable and sucks. it makes me feel so goddamn lonely. especially when I see everyone else has their person or people.

and don't get me wrong, i'm fine with being alone by myself. if I lock myself up and don't see or pay attention to others, i'm perfectly fine and don't feel lonely. it's as soon as I see other people being together, and ESPECIALLY when i'm woth other people that I feel this deep and painful sad/loneliness that doesn't go away until i'm away from people for a while again. but even of i'm enjoying my alone time, there's often things I want to do that require others, so I can't do them and it makes me feel bad. my old therapist telling me last time I was avoiding people due to (unknown at the time) autistic burnout, that we are a social species and require interaction with other people, so I NEED to make friends and interact with others always echos in my mind. I wish I DIDNT need others and can lock myself up alone forever. that feel less painful than trying to be with others. seeing and being with others makes me feel awful and alone. being literally alone feels comfortable and not lonely, most of the time. as long as I have a single-person hyperfocus to occupy my entire existence with.

but despite feeling like this, the burnout I hit from losing several important things to me at once about a couple years ago and my friend group ditching me when I needed them most is debilitating and still going strong. I feel like this is my new permanent state of being. I don't have the energy to put any effort into friendhips. if they don't maintain themsleves or the other person doesn't put in most of the effort, I WILL let it die and act like I don't give a fuck (I do, I just don't have the power to stop it). it's all on the other person's shoulders to carry the friendship the way I carried all the ones in my past. it's my turn to be the unresponsive friend who doesn't put in effort and responds with one word. not because I secretly hate the person/friendhipz but because i'm perpetually burnt out and literally can't do much anymore. I just can't.

that doesnt mean I can't keep complaining about how lonely and disconnected I feel!!! just because i'm not trying to fix it doesn't mean my feelings are invalid! "just keep trying" only works for people who have the ability to try. my ability was destroyed and am now unable. I would need a miracle of a person who puts in enough effort and genuinely cares enough about me to nurse me out of burnout hell to the point where I can put full trust and faith into them and call them my best friend.

but I doubt that will happen. I won't believe it until I see it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! being "positive" and hoping for the best keeps biting me in the ass and makes the fall hurt even more. I do not have the spoons and willpower and energy for that again i'm sorry 😭

wow this was a long ramble. it's taken me 2 hours to write this. I just wrote exactly what my brain was saying and rambled off topic. this was originally supposed to be about how, while I want to be excited to visit my friend and their gf, it's really hard to because all my past experiences make FEAR lurk around every corner.

I expressed an anxiety to my friend about the trip but only said it was about going to the airport and flying for the first time ever. and alone at that. if I tell them about this little hell demon on my shoulder, it may upset them. they're always telling me how they're so excited and I can't ruin that!!!! the more excited they are, the more comfortable/less worried I feel i'm allowed to be about it??? I NEED that energy personally. and I want them to keep that for themsleves as well. especially when it's not that I don't trust THEM. I don't trust myself. I could do any number of things wrong and make a good, fun, exciting trip go bad, or create a bad after-effect that makes it all slowly break down after. my friend expressed even wanting me to move in with them and their gf. be roommates. where have I heard that one before lmao. multiple other times before a seemingly good friendship gets destroyed for unknown reasons 😭

I hate that my brain has to live this way thanks to past traumas. cptsd mixed with autism/adhd is literally hell. but when you basically never know if you're the one fucking everything up accidentally, are afraid to hurt someone important again, don't know what a real/healthy friendhip is meant to look like due to never experiencing one, and don't have the energy to deal with this shit anymore, it's impossible to make your brain chill the fuck out.

there is a chance everything will go well and nothing will change. there is a smaller chance things will even improve. I can only hope, even if I know hoping for things ends up hurting more.

"what's the worst that can happen" i'm always asked, as if the person asking thinks nothing bad can happen. imagine being very far away from home and your trusted best friend you're there with betrays and hurts you for who knows what stupid reason, and you're stranded there, alone and upset, with no one around you who cares or wants to help or comfort you. you're treated like a burden and have no one to turn to. you're trapped and alone, surrounded by strangers in a big scary city. your whole world and everything you knew is falling apart in your hands as you try desperately to patch it badk together, but your once trusted person is purposely pulling out the seams. your supposed-to-be-happy experience is forever tainted and ruined. you get blamed for it all when you're confused and lost as to what even happened! it takes years to put the pieces together and come to a conclusion about what and why it happened. but that experience left deep scars that affect everything that comes after.

I don't want want that to happen again lmao. I cant make my brain not have intrusive flashbacks when faced with a similar scenario. it's literally how trauma works.

i've heard you can heal from trauma. but is that possible when the trauma wound constantly gets reopen every time it even starts to heal? if the same shit that caused you trauma keeps happening over and over and over and over....things replying in your head end up repeating themelves despire your best efforts to go a different direction....how do you heal? how do you convince your brain to not feel like this and think these things when it feels like reality rather than a worry since these things have happened literally 100% of the time!

that's the problem. you can't heal a flesh wound by rubbing dirt and shit and sharp objects on it all the time. I feel like the only way to heal is to be able to have someone I can actually trust and reply on. someone who proves to me that they won't become another source of trauma. the wond needs a clean and stable environment to heal in.

but i'm broken. i'm annoying. i'm incredibly boring and have no personality. my interests are few and very weird. i'm not likable to most people or for very long and do and say the wrong things all the time. etc etc. *throws pity party or whatever that's actually based on facts probably because no one proved them wrong yet and idk the real reason so i'm simply guessing* so how am I supposed to make a person do this lmao since you can't force people to like you and be a good friend. I also can't force myself to like people so the person needs to be someone *I* like and feel comfortable and connected with as well. hitting two birds with one stone is.....not easy. especially when you're as clumsy and uncoordinated as me.

hopefully my trip goes well. hopefully a miracle happens and we get closer. but I can't rely on it. I can't even think about it. I keep making myself focus on other things and nkt think. but sometimes something reminds me and then this now THREE HOUR long rant happens. 😭✌️

[dexaroth]

it also seems kind of pointless trying to come up with a species that still appeals to what we as humans thinks are familiar, like the nose having two nostrils, the eyes being on the top of the head and etc because like.. by definition if its different it isnt familiar.

if you deviate from that they look too alien, if you keep too many defaults then it doesnt look different enough

my basic thought process is like "hm. the animals that can produce light, as far as i know, do it either by beneficial bacteria or chemical /heat reactions. i think it'd be cool if you didnt need bacteria to do so and that they could somehow generate it via other means that doesnt depend on 3 types of chemicals." and then i get stuck because like however the fuck else could i come up with an alternative to this.

i wanna break part of the barrier of the known elements and laws of the universe but not too much, but every idea i have seems to necessitate creating new chemicals or body structures or physical laws and to me that feels like bullshitting it. "teehee they glow because most of the universe happens to have souxin neprinium, which they absorb through their skin or produce it themselves! oh whats souxin neprinium? erm ehhg..ah.. *starts sweating* and the producing themselves part they uh.. they.. well you see.. excuse me for a second." > runs for my life

when i look into fantasy worlds they very much often do not give a shit if you can trace it back to something irl or deduce how it works with what you know of the current world. but i wanna have this kind of depth!!

i think of like the cyan lizards from rain world which can do many small jumps with a burst of gas that propels them forward, but never in any place is it mentioned what that gas is or how they store/use it. or the vultures for that matter too who are incredibly heavy yet somehow float about in the air like they are made of cotton. and it doesnt need to, its a game! theyre fun cool little guys! the most you need to know is 'this thing can and will kill you, and will do so with these special jumps'. thats it. and thats enough.

talking abt anatomy again, im sure we can agree that it'd allow for much more control if we could rotate all our limbs in practically every direction instead of being limited by the bone joints, right? but then you want to keep the familiar look - in my case, an anthro/furry animal - and then i just. make them bend their arms in an opposite 90 degrees like this <0|_. that would look horrifying and unnatural because.. well.. thats not whats normal to us! or for the muscle and bone strcuture either, it just isnt possible! and so the jaws of familiarity grip an idea once again. its no use!!! aeeeughhH!!!

[mizuta]

god im tired (longer winded ramble under the cut about disability?)

the thing they dont tell you. about being the son of two disabled parents, two people who hate themselves more than they could hate you, a woman who swears up and down that her becoming disabled enough to need a wheelchair full time is the worst thing thats ever happened to her, thats Ruined her life.

the thing they dont tell you is their constant insistance that you can do better and are just lazy warps your fucking perspective to yourself until its unrecognizeable. they push themselves until theyre now falling apart at the seams with worse and worse damages that couldve maybe been avoided somewhat and refuse to allow you to be 'weak' and 'need help'.

they dont tell you that when youre navigating constant persistant wrist pain at 22, when your cognitive functions have always been bad but not bad enough, that youre never gonna feel like you deserve help or accommodations. that you cant do math or numbers and thats a larger symptom of something, of when words blur together and you read chunks of writing as nonsensical regularly, when you hear one thing but someone said something completely different and you have to just bashfully laugh it off.

when your language function breaks down and youre speaking in fragmented sentences. no proper grammar. the words are hard and dont make sense and youre just desperately screaming in your own wy trying to be heard. you get told that one might be a symptom of your psychosis but fuck nobody ever told you that wasnt normal to begin with other than making fun of you when your guards down.

when you can barely tell time between two days from each other and your disassociative disorder makes you all lose so many gaps in time, and youre not mad at each other for that, but you just kind of wonder because between that and how much time doesnt exist to you all and how much you forget from adhd to the point that entire days are forgotten after youve lived them, when youre so exhausted and your head feels like fog 80% of the time, when your mood tracker never puts you above a 5 on the mental health scale on your best days.

when you know damn fucking well youre not abled enough, but nobody tells you that youll constantly be told youre not disabled enough, either. not abled or disabled. some fucking other thing, something thats useless, something thats just fucking pointless.

its like, i know im mentally ill. severe clinical depression. adhd. probably cptsd that im still coming to terms with. likely ocd. possibly autistic as well its hard to tell. psychosis. but im also in pain pretty regularly, but its 'only' wrist pain, so does it matter? i cant think straight most days of the week and its a genuine struggle full of spoons to keep my speech coherent and just tonight alone i keep hallucinating my bathroom lights on and getting up and discovering when i come to turn them off theyre already off.

ive been sick for a week and a half and i could barely manage to get out of bed and shower twice. or get a sports drink so i didnt just... faint. i need constant access to electrolyte water/sports drinks or my near-constant dizziness and lightheadedness and sometimes physical pain gets way worse, rather than 'manageable and liveable'. i feel like im going fucking insane.

all signs point to me having asthma. my parents literally think im insane at the idea. i have so much breathing trouble and this last week i couldnt breathe for multiple 10 minute chunks because i went to work sick because i need the money.

christ almighty. not abled. not disabled enough. cant quantify my cognitive problems because itll never be 'enough'. god.

im so fucking tired, dude. i just want to sleep for a really, really long time

[burnerblog333332]

twistedEcclesiastic [TE] began trolling tawdryCaricaturist [TC]

TE: I aM herE ouT oF purE fuckinG desperatioN. I aM minD-fuckinG fuckinglY fuckinG BOREd TE: mY matespriT iS DEAd oR likE probablY sleepinG anD I donT reallY talK tO anythinG elsE?? TE: anD yourE A faT stupiD fuckinG punchinG baG anD thatS FUn. NYEHEHEHEH TC: aww im really that entertaining to you? : P TC: i thought you had lots of other troll friends karmis! what happened?? TE: dO yoU havE dementiA?? wheN diD I eveR saY I havE trolL friendS I fuckinG HATe EVERYONe TC: well they all seem to know about you! i just figured you were all friends : ) TC: so if your lying your not really doing a good job of it right now : P TE: thatS jusT becausE I makE enemieS whereveR I gO NYEHEHEHEH TE: fucK thA haterS TC: haha true : ) TC: arent you a hater though? TC: just like in general TE: yeaH duH. fucK mE fucK yoU I donT givE A shiT! NYEH TE: whateveR. I donT carE foR labelS TC: thats cool me neither : ) TC: your friends are cool though i think you should hate on them a little less TE: ugH fucK WHo arE yoU EVEn TALKINg ABOUt???!!!! TC: ummm TC: well i met rozzie the robot and the guy that built him TC: he made it sound like your friends with him : ) TC: unless he was lying? TC: i dunno he sounded kind of tricky TE: STOp TYPINg!!! TE: STOp TC: WHAT? TE: rozziE iS NOt mY "frienD". fuckinG perioD! enD oF storY!! TE: itS A triggeR happY psychopathiC littlE freaK anD thaT nerD lukE needS tO keeP iT oN A leasH TC: his name is luke? TC: you guys are aliens and one of you is named luke? TE: welL youR namE iS ryaN. NYEHEHEH TE: hiS namE iS lukeiS anywayS TC: luke is what? TE: lukeiS TC: oh thats his name? TC: how do you even pronouns that TE: whaT iS fuckinG wronG witH yoU arE yoU actuallY braiN damageD? TC: no im actually normal!! sheesh TC: anyways LUKEIS (still weird) says that hes your best friend : ) TC: trust me! TE: whaT fuckinG eveR? I donT reallY carE TC: are you sure? TE: arE yoU stupid? TC: i dunno! TC: you came to me for entertainment so you dont get to complain TC: dummy TC: hey so whats a matesprit? is that another weird word your going to make fun of me for not knowing about TE: yeS iT iS! NYEH. lonelY loseR dickwaD TE: alsO I donT knoW whaT itS likE oN youR stupiD planeT buT oN ourS wE havE A littlE thinG calleD freedoM oF insultS sO I caN complaiN alL I wanT TC: yeah i guess we have something like that! its called bullying

TE: "meeeH meeH meeH mY namE iS wayaN yourE bullyinG mE becausE iM sO stupiD anD I donT eveN knoW whaT A matespriT iS oR probablY eveN hoW tO spelL halF thE alphabeT meeH meeH" TC: i didnt say that! TE: yeS yoU diD looK yoU jusT diD, weirdO TC: how come your allowed to complain but im not? thats kind of stupid TC: if your going to try to be mean you might as well be fair about it! >: P TE: therE yoU fuckinG gO agaiN beinG thE mosT stupiD persoN iN thE fuckinG universE. itS likE yourE ADDICTED TE: I neveR eveR saiD yoU couldnT complaiN itS jusT youR complaintS arE 1.stupiD 2.dumB 3.bullshiT 4.pathetiC(verY) 5.donT matteR. NYEH TE: NYEHEHEH TC: i guess but you complain about EVERYTHING TC: literally every single little thing TC: i think that makes your complaints even more pointless TC: i dont really take you seriously anymore : P TE: diD I asK yoU thougH? TE: XP TC: hehehe TE: yoU caN takE mE seriouslY oR noT, aS lonG aS yourE stilL A stupiD nobodY I wiN X) TE: yoU arE fuckinG dirT undeR mY cooL shoeS, PATHETIc TE: NYEHEHEHEH TC: suuuuure karmis : P TE: lalalalalalalA I canT heaR yoU TC: yeah you can : ) TE: whaT? TC: okay if you cant here me then i guess you wont react to me calling you a STUPID JERK TC: karmis smells like AAAAAAAAAAASS!!! >: D TE: nyeH TE: NYEHEHEHEHEHEH TE: NYEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEH X) TC: nyehehe! >: P TE: heY thatS My THINg TWERp TC: SEE you heard me : D

twistedEcclesiastic [TE] ceased trolling tawdryCaricaturist [TC]

[rfks-brain-worms]

god I love house of leaves, probably spoilers under the cut im just exploding rn

this book understands, it was made for ME the fucking poem at the end IS LITERALLY HOW MY LIFE HAS PLAYED OUT FOR THE PAST 7 YEARS, IT UNDERSTANDS IT WAS WRITTEN FOR PEOPLE LIKE ME.

in it there is a poem, tucked away at the end that just goes like this:

“Little solace comes To those who grieve When thoughts keep drifting As walls keep shifting And this great blue world of ours seems a house of leaves

moments before the wind.”

a person I cared for and i thought cared about me left abruptly and my last sight of him was a look of digust, I never got and solace for that you could say, no words or anything, and ive been trying to move on but I cant and my minds been a constant whirlwind. Thoughts do keep drifting I change subjects a lot I change everything a lot I change my friends a lot I change how I present myself a lot just hoping I would feel happy again. I moved around a lot after it happened, my parents and sibling were in their own layer of hell and so was I but I tried to keep it together because the world needs a child to go to school and fit in. Never could hold any relationships after that, this book understood me deeply, every relationship I build feels like it will collapse at any moment and its scary and keeps me awake and I try still, you could say its like a house made of leaves about to be blown away. And the worst part about it all is I am continuing this cycle and I dont know how to stop it and it knows I am also the minotaur, it isnt for normal people its for traumatized people its about the grief and the inability to move on and the depression and fixation and coping mechanisms be it pointless sex or substance abuse and just trying to figure it all out because even I struggle to find why I act this way and so do the people inside the house struggle to understand it because the house is a representation of human relationships and the minotaur and darkness is the trauma

this is a book of grief made manifest with the characters all being parts of it and actors you could say