#im so mentally well and thats why my brain doesnt like to think about anything painful Ever 💪💪

[strwbrymlkshake]

Why can't I be satisfied with everything? It needs to be perfect to me and I can't accept anything otherwise :(

[moxymaxing]

(guy ignoring all of his problems voice) holy shit. im so mentally healthy

[nightmaredxydreams]

we've been seeing transramcoa shit and we need to make a public vent about it so people who identify as transramcoa or are considering it won't.

major tw. this goes into detail about csa, deeply.

ok so, im the host. i never knew i went through ramcoa until about a couple years ago, even with clues and shit. i only found out after i met someone else who did and i could relate to their story. so i did research on ramcoa and yep, i fit it in just about every way possible. i literally checked off every box on some list of signs youre a ramcoa survivor. then i realized... i had been programmed for whatever reaction the handler wanted, whatever they wanted me to do, i felt like i was a game and they were the player. i was always told "youre so naive and dumb" and finding out i was a ramcoa survivor made me feel even more naive and dumb. like i was to blame. i felt like if i wasnt so naive and dumb, i wouldnt have been programmed. and the more i found out about ramcoa, the more i discovered the programmed alters. and thats when the persecutory voice in my head got worse. i felt like i was faking ramcoa, faking DID and faking trauma entirely. i felt like i wanted it to be cool or as an excuse for me being "born broken and worthless" with all my trauma responses i didnt even remember the trauma to have. my mental health tanked severely. i was covered in cuts, suicidal, attempted many times, and was reaching out for validation in places i shouldnt have. i drove friends away who couldnt deal with my constant heavy venting. i felt like i was faking or had too much baggage to deserve a friend. i felt like i deserved ramcoa when i believed it happened to me. i became more insecure about my body (this went with the denial- id think i was too ugly to be sex trafficked and i thought i made it all up to be "cool" and "not a virgin" since the body is disabled and cant really have sex) and more hypersexual than ever. when i found out i survived ramcoa, i either felt like it didn't really happen to me and like i was faking or i deserved it when i thought it happened. most of the time i thought it didnt, because your brain doesnt want you to know you have that trauma especially if you have DID. your brain doesnt even want you to know you have DID. if you are a real ramcoa survivor you will feel severe denial it happened and... broken for no reason. like you never went through anything severe so why are you this way? then you deal with the realization it happened and you feel used, dirty, dumb, like a game or a robot, not a real human. trust me, you dont want to be a ramcoa survivor. is that not enough for you? well heres more on how the sex trafficking affected my body and relationships...

i was hypersexual ever since i can remember. i was a three year old child and acting out sexual touching with dolls and imaginary friends. i was only three years old and had shame that i did it, even though nobody knew i did it. i was so developmentally disabled i couldnt put real sentences together or communicate, yet i felt shame for sexually touching dolls and imaginary friends. living my life not knowing i was sexually abused and asked how i discovered my sexuality, i answered with "ive always liked girls sexually ever since i could remember" and had to have it pointed out to me thats not normal and its a sign of sexual abuse. i always thought it was a normal kid thing to be sexual that little. wanting answers as to who violated me when i was so little, i asked the people who lived with me at the time who answered with "maybe it was your step grandfather. you were never alone alone with him so it had to have been brief touches that were a second" when im alone in almost all my memories from when i was little. after getting told "well its maaayyybe him but it cooouuuld be your cousin since she sexually abused you when you were older" and relying completely on external validation to validate what was on my inside, i flip flopped around with it and some people thought my inconsistency about trauma was me lying when i truly didnt know what happened. i lost friends and was doubted by people when i was desperately seeking validation. now to what it did to my body...

i have bladder issues from being sexually touched causing me to have utis. i have uti like pain almost every time i pee. ive been raped with plastic (almost sharp) objects and feel sharp pains in my somatic flashbacks to being raped. i will literally be doing nothing and boom, i feel a sharp pain down there. my vagina rejects tampons or really anything that goes inside it. i feel like someone stuck something up my ass every time i get done taking a shit. i have sudden nausea that doesnt feel like it belongs to me out of nowhere. i have been fucked so much my body is fucked up too. i want hugs, i love affection and it makes me feel important and safe, but i feel like my body is too violated to be loved and i get anyone who touches me dirty and they should feel ashamed for hugging me and i should feel ashamed for letting them.

you don't want this severe mental pain. you dont wanna be like me. you don't want this life. and if you do, you're fucking sick. fuck you.

[ultra-raging-ghost]

Okay so like.... im trying to visualize bbh's library indexing concept in my mind in relation to the desert so stick with me here

rambles under the cut

Okay so in my mind, im viewing his memories (in relation to the desert) as the buildings that he passes by in the beginning sequences

the temple he's been at is definitely supposed to symbolize the eggs (im going based off the bed in dappers room being present in this temple, along with other things it just seems obvious) , they're his tether to his memories as we see played out right in front of us but why is that?

Well im imagining the desert as an area that is able to be mapped out, an area that is supposed to be mapped out. And maybe the mind cubito navigates the desert with said map.

We've established that the poisoned water he drank in the first sequence is from that one myth about how drinking the water in the afterlife is supposed to wipe someones memories after death. I'm envisioning this as the water washing away the map's ink. Maybe not literally, but its wiped away bad's map around his mind, and he's gonna have to re-map everything all over again.

As an immortal i think hes implied that hes done that before, but maybe it wasnt as difficult as it was this time because this time he's actively resisting the reset, and what comes with that is the persisting damage from his body being inflicted on him.

So on top of a mental reset, he's very likely got brain damage and definitely has radiation damage, which would also contribute to the brain damage. He is struggling to remap his memories that hes so desperately clung to.

He's found one thing (the temple(the eggs)) that ground him, and hes clinging hard to that. He's refusing to leave the temple, and i kinda have a theory as to why that is.

I am a person who knows where things are in relation to other things, and i think right now thats what bad's dealing with. In his mind desert, there are vast empty swaths of land between memories, and he knows where things are in relation to this temple, but he doesnt know where they are in general.

Do you??? Understand what im getting at here????

Maybe he doesnt know that hes supposed to be mapping, hes confused as to why he doesnt know where anything is. He doesnt know theres supposed to be a fucking map, whats a map? HE DOESNT KNOW!!!! HE HAS BRAIN DAMAGE!!!

and hes too fucking afraid to leave the eggs to figure the shit out, hes too afraid to leave the temple so hes experiencing using the eggs as like this crutch, the eggs are with him constantly so its not an unreasonable crutch to have but like!!!!! we've seen!!! when the eggs arent with him!!!! hes just GONE!!!!!

HES GOTTEN WORSE!!!!! the eggs being back have somehow made him WORSE hes no longer having lapses of memory when theyre not around, he consistently and continuously remembers FUCK ALL when an egg leaves his sight. We saw it today the MOMENT pomme and dapper left his sight he was just GONE there wasnt a buffer there wasnt a moment where he remembered anything, he was just head motherfucking empty

and hes honestly kinda worse than that!!!! Hes still not remembering absolutely everything around the eggs, so theyre not even helping as much as they should be!!

my head hurts i mightve lost the plot halfway thru this was such a shitty rant, but its 3 am and im gonna probably make 3 more posts in this vein tomorrow

[calumhoodgoss]

Brandy isn’t ‘lazy’ she’s depressed and has been very open about this and how this year has been one of the worst and hardest of her life (her words on Twitter). She’s now working a full time job while dealing with all her mental health issues so of course she doesn’t have much time to dedicate to her music career, like as soon as I get home from work all I wanna do is sleep and not think about doing anything else lol depression can really take out most of your energy and passion to do things you love.

I really don’t think it’s fair to call her lazy and say she’s squandering her opportunities especially because she’s obviously going through a lot right now, but that’s just my opinion 🤷🏽‍♀️

look i get that, i really really do

if she wasnt posting on socials at all then i definitely wouldnt be so harsh on her but shes literally posting every single day. i know that whats posted doesnt necessarily reflect someones mental state or reality but she literally just needs to post screenshots of her music. thats it. thats literally all she has to do. maybe mention a song once a week, like it's so so simple

i will admit i might be fairly biased though cause i was down bad depressed in highschool/uni and i managed to make it through schooling/my degree. i know it doesnt work like this but, my brain cant help but see it as 'if i could do it then why cant she?' - like its hard, i know that, but just push yourself a little ? (THIS IS PROBS PROBLEMATIC but its my subconscious thoughts. thats my point though, im admitting im probably viewing it in a very subjective way)

i just personally find it very hard to sympathise when her bf has done all the heavy lifting for star baby promo so far and she is out here posting 24/7 but can't even mention her music once. like girllll youre already doing what you have to do (being active), just mention a song - you're already doing 50% of what needs to be done ???? why not just put a song title on a selfie every once in a while like huh ? its literally not hard to do

i know as well as the next person that depression fucks with your motivation and passion but shes still out there being active as ever. idk im probably being too judgemental in thinking that social media promo is easy. but also im not sorry about it, it literally is easy when all you have to do is talk about your own project however you want to with no constraints

also is her job not in social media marketing ? how can she do that and not be capable of her own marketing ? huh ?

also she literally only just got a job - shes had alllllll the time in the world up until now

i get it but at the same time i really really dont

[caffeinatedopossum]

AH! Okay Im reading the Book of Joy by the Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. The Dalai Lama was asked how he could experience joy when he had so much stuff thats happened to him and he said, based on a practice from another teacher, basically it was if you cant do anything, why worry, and if you can, why be worried? In other words ofc but thats a phrase we use a lot, isnt it?

But then he talked about being exiled and all his people who are suffering from it, too. If he looked at just that he would be really worried, but if he looked at how the muslims are also struggling and the people in China? He can unite his suffering with theirs and not be so worried. Like, he can see we are all human brothers and sisters suffering together (not comparing pains and saying his is less than or anything). Which I guess means he cant do anything with worry on that scale except be responsible for his joy and mental state. (And point to ignore, since western ideals is that if youre not worried then you must not be doing anything, it doesnt mean that at all. Hate that bit of propaganda, i swear).

How do you think this works? And what it means? And how to apply it to other situations, like being disabled or having been hurt by another in the past or something. I really like the idea but my brain is giving me an error warning. Though buddhism is one of those things you just vibe with and cant think about lol

Oo! First of all, I love thought-provoking things like this so thank you c: also hope you're doing well!

I think the simplest way I've heard it put is "pain shared is halved, joy shared is doubled" so even when we or people around us are suffering from things outside our control, the simple ability to connect with or relate to each other is really powerful.

On that same note, though, I don't think happiness/contentedness is something we have complete control over. I mean, it'd be a little weird if I did, as someone who was miserable until I got the right antidepressants recently. I always used to feel like I was just doing something wrong, like there was something I was missing if I couldn't make myself happy or okay. But then I got these meds, and it was like a switch was flipped, and suddenly everything was just okay.

I think ultimately this concept is about acceptance and connection - like accepting what you can't control and taking comfort in the unity of pain. With being disabled, I guess what that means for me is just reminding myself that this could happen to anyone (and it does happen to others) and that even though my pain and limitations may be of a different nature or intensity than most people I see day-to-day, that doesn't mean we don't have anything in common. We both still have felt pain, no matter what. That's just a part of life everyone can relate to.

[dykenastasyafilippovna]

Nastasya Filippovna: 1, 4, 5, 12, 14, 22, 23, 25 (you don’t have to answer them all I just went crazy)

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

kind of the logical progression for character for me to be obsessed with after all the femme fatales i was obsessed with a year and a half ago really shes just my type. i also relate to her a lot sadgirl mentally ill style . and yuouknow. the complexities. shes just so well written shes such a WOMAN OF EVER!! and also im lesbianism for her . shallow reason but i am in love wth her for real.

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

THINKIE... im putting her in WINNIE THE POOH. she needs to take a walk in the hundred acre woods and calm down a little bit. any lighthearted calming enviroment would benefit her. none of the other medias im obsessed with bc that would be too upsetting she doesnt need to be in any more murder suicide tragic plots. she needs to eat some honey.

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

my love all mine by mitski :-) i think a lot of people assign this to blorbos who dont deserve it its literally her

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

this is hard to answer bc i have so many i have to flip through the brain catalogue. she is an opera girlie and when shes alone she sings and is good at it:-) this one makes me happy unlike many thoughts abt her that make me SAD!

14. Assign a fashion aesthetic to this character.

sanrio goth . kuromi. idk if thats the actual term but it is to me. pastel goth maybe.

22. If you're a fic reader, what's something you like in fics when it comes to ths character? Something you don't like?

i am nawt a fic reader unforunatly if i read fics about her it would only make me sick in the head /neg i dont want to read abt other people writing abt her because im attached to her in a weird way

23. Favorite picture of this character?

looking thru the folder in my phone thinkie. Probably this one it’s on my wal in the Nastasya corner and I just think she is so. She is so. She is so. I think I hauve cholera

25. What was your first impression of this character? How about now?

This was the first annotation I made abt her I pretty much knew right away I was going to be obsessed with her and I was right. My impression now is that she’s my second favorite (you know. Varvara has to be first) dussy character ever and she’s so so so important to me and I think about her all the time so yeah. A general good impression. My special girl.

[piplupod]

its all good and fine when I can recognize smth is the moral ocd because then i can at least tell myself im being silly even if i don't always believe it.

however. the real issue arises when i cannot tell if smth is the moral ocd or if its a genuine thing that i am doing badly/not trying hard enough with/etc.

example of brain spiral under the cut:

because then im tearing myself apart and telling myself i need to read books i dont have the energy or brain ability for (not in a lazy way, in a genuine "words are not processing in the brain and i cannot understand a single sentence of what I'm reading" way) and fight everyone on every bigoted thing they say until i have no friends left and my family truly hates my guts and i commit suicide because then maybe I'll be a real activist who's trying hard enough, because if I'm not doing enough to the point where i call out every single thing thats wrong and want to die then am i really actually learning enough and thinking abt things enough and doing enough? if I ignore Anything in favour of my own safety and well-being then I'm complicit in fascism and bigotry and would probably be better off dead anyways because the world doesnt need more self-hating self-serving cowards like me. why should i ensure my own safety when other people out there are unsafe because they don't have the option to hide? i should be experiencing every little bit of hurt and danger every oppressed minority out there experiences, otherwise I'll never understand how it really feels and i must understand it fully so that i can be a better activist and fight for real change.

this is a genuine train of thought that i continuously go through until I'm able to either stress myself out over something else enough to distract myself or get distracted by smth else. this comes up at once every two days, often more, and I genuinely cannot tell whether this is the moral ocd tendencies or if it's a correct line of thinking.

because what if it Is the correct line of thinking and everyone who tells me otherwise is just too complicit in bigotry and fascism to "put in the real work" and sacrifice their comfort? i dont know! im so tired of this though because i feel like a terrible person no matter what direction i go with this, and i obviously cannot tell any mental health professionals (counselor and psychiatrist) i see about it because they're all useless for me and I wouldn't believe anything they say anyways. (also i am ashamed of it and dont want them knowing lol)

anyways. if anyone has any insight lmk bc i am desperate lol. if this is the correct line of thinking then i would like to know so i can start doing more shit, and it its the moral ocd then I'd like to know so i can stop agonizing over this so consistently.

[garpond]

idk i just feel like. i am bothered immensely by how quick people can be to say 'well it was a different time back then' in response to learning about or hearing discussions about some of the truly horrific stuff that went down w/ groupie culture and etc in the sixties and seventies. it upsets me deeply when like thats the extent of it. and idk it just makes me feel insane because i wonder how anybody else handles it emotionally at all when i just can't. its getting to the point where i can hardly engage with music at all without the nagging thought that whoever i'm listening to and getting attached to probably sexually abused minors. or did something else abhorrent. and like every time i learn something about someone whos music i admired it only reinforces how common it was and terrifies me that chances are it's true of my favorite too and i just havent found anything yet. like no matter how much ive read about the person without encountering anything. it makes me feel freaked out that maybe someone else knows something i don't and i'm just being willfully ignorant by being this deeply involved with the person side of music. and like i hate to sound like im calling any other fans bad people its just that i dont understand how it doesnt affect some people at all like i know its just bc i am a victim of sexual trauma and i am so painfully aware day after day about how that happening to me as a teen permanently screwed me up and I just cant handle it. but its like obviously i cant like, switch off a special interest because thats not how autism works. im sorry this post is really cringe i feel super embarrassed talking about this its just that i dont think ive ever really fully been honest about why ive deleted and remade twice and tried to get this interest to go away multiple times. its just really really evil what this does to my brain and every day i wish so deeply that i could be interested in literally anything else that wouldnt do this to me mentally

[solardick]

Year one.

As to pluto and uranus seeming interchangeable, one always has residue from the other.

Prime seal.

… ugh. And i give up having any human connectiin to anyone. Its never going happen. Been trying for 40 years. It diesnt exists in hell.

I was just born for the sole purpose of being fucked. And never experiencing anythign other.

Yay, neptune is coming to aries. Time to soems the rest of my life in a delusion.

Well, guess i’ll if i survive another year. Its another eros/psyche conjunction this Christmas. A spyche/ Eros return for my birthday. With okuto square oluto. And saturn square/ opposition uranus. Everything is hapoening on the late. 26th ish degrees. Ass is still sensitive. Makes me want to die. Another year stolen by the enrourage pf people working me over these last few decades. And this rapist culture. They tild me 20 years ago that i may not survive this.

But they’re dumb and biased and have my motives all wrong. Doesnt matter im always im the wrong being wronged.

Moral of my life story, dint fight for what you beleive in.

All my dreams are dead. Theres no point being alive. In hust a villain framed by fucken villains.

Maybe if i live to see neptune in aroes in this scrit dedigned yo rape my life. Ill spend the rest of my “functionsl” yeRs veinb an alcoholic.

Freat my ass is going to keep me up all night again. Miss more work. Lose more life. Not like im

Not serrounded by there anyway. Its always been that way. Since birth.

Well, tarot’s dead. Now i no longer even have a hobby. I have nothing.

I din’t need a brain or personal development or to learn anything. Ill just be pure sex. Nothign else.

And ill nusy pretend i like the people im with. Bit i really do not give a shit. Thats too bad i was good at tarot. I can just go back to indiscriminately watching tv again. And ill just go back to fantasizing about sex all day. Cause thats all im good for.

Wonder what hating myself for the rets of kife is going to be like. I don’t need to produce or create anything. Im just here to satiate desires for others to stabd over me. Its been 40 years of it. Its not going to stop now. Do need life guard qualities either. Don’t need to help and try to fix others. Or take any position of assertion. Theres no point.

There’s only tei reasons to be alive. To reproduce or to produce. I cant have either. Im just here to consume whatver cock they through at me. Cayse i live in a hypersexed perverted, rapist civilization. That Just shits all over natural law. They’ve destroyed everything. I dont even childhood memeries.

Well huess im not dtaying at wirk todsy.

Go hime play video games by myséf. In the dark. While syill being open to

Abuse. And smoke dope. I dont need a brain. Or a life.

Fuck tour shadow work and fuck yoyr byllshiy

My own family, took pleasure in being superior over me. Since my first memory own. Well except that short while i got to be a big brother and look out for them from all the negative influences on impressionable youth. Or dumb old people. Why wouldn’t the rest of the world too. If your own famuly did it. It doubles extra for the rest of the world.

So my suicide is still on the horizon. As with this fucken horrorscope is to year one.

Whilw this entire fucken entourage micro manages my fycken spyche, mirroring reality. If i do anything remotly masculime or hetero theyd put and leave signs around. That correspoded to ehat i was foing.

Doing everything in their power witj their homo nazi manifesto. Being totalitarians

Suppose to be happy right now with a wife and three year kid but whaéve r

I feel so wrkng and unatural i fucken hate this. Fucken kill me. My father is fucken laughing at me.

How many more years i am going to be tortured by assholes.

Im quitting my day rape job and hanging myselg.

Everyone including my family are forcing me to kill myaelf how do you think i feel. 40 fucken years of this shit.

Yeah ok, sure. All rainbows and sunshine abd mental bs. With no sleep, and a vagina that never goes dry.

And wveryone thinks im sonething im not.

Fuck your horrorscope and fuck uranus.

Fuck you all for dtanding by watching and reading and not helping me be rid of those fucken assholes being abusive fuckers. And for joining in on keeping mw envlosed in this bs. Perpetuaying the disorder and then raping me for it. Your entire way of oives deserve to burn.

A real himan bwing wouldvhave killed me instead of torture. What the fuck is wrong woth this picture. It aint me.

It dirsnt fucjen matter im being murdered ians im not hping to be alive much longer. So cheerios to a world populated by dipshits and rapists. Worse than whst russia gets flaked for.

Fucken woodpeckers.

Put that up on the list of sexual derogatories. It has the word pecker in it.

And eating chivken makes uou gay.

Finger livking good. Now im going to go buy some chocolat bars named after various cocks.

And good fortune. Saturn is the good guy. Keeping the fucks above at bay from crowsing its fucken boraders. And raping existance.

Pretty french girl with a daughter. She needed love. And to be noticed. So i watched a bit. She was trying to be inconspicous about noticing me. I smiled. Whether she saw. Im not sure maybe. My periphery iwas being used into somethign else. But, she came back aftwr she left. And whenni was walkign out the door she came back. Had her cart stuck in the door. I moved it. And like a ghost. She said something to me. That she has to go over there. An di had to move out of the way. For her to have the room to do so. I gave her the love she needed. If only in a small part that leaves her memory by tomorow.

Too bad im being murdered.

This os another part of me im teying to protect. But the world doesn twamt it.

I shouldnt show this side of me though. Unlike the sickness and bs. Its never been supported.

But their “therapy” is working.

And ill

Live out all the worset parts of me for the rest of days. And cry over never knwoing what love received feels like. Giving in to every craving, losing the conscience. Being envoloped by darkness and retard clowns.

Always filling a need or a desire over everything else. Over life itself. And the bodies it inhabits. Thats ehat the eorld wants.

I dont want to be slive anymore. Why cant i judg kill myself.

I dont need to be able to focus on anything. Or even sleep.

And i dont need to self -develop at all. In any posotive capacity. I have othets to do that for me. Save that they dont care.

I coukd be a normal person going through a divirce settlement at moment. But no.

Be on pills for the rest if my life. That restrict me from driving.

I aont taking anti depressants. That shit fucked me up. Made me unstable. And imbalanced. Even after 2-3 years of “covid” or emasculation. Same thing. I still firgot my mask everyday. It was the same with the pills. Then i got beat up again and family members ayanding over by body on the ground. Lecturing me. Then i quit the pills and got raped by the world.

One homo or drunk or drug addiilct after the bext fucken abusing me. Year after year. Place after place. While being in this entrapement of shadow assholes guiding me to everything negative experience. To force me into being a sissy slut.

[strwbrymlkshake]

finished my normalcy phase returning to the horrors

[cow-legs]

Of course it does feel a little silly to make big update posts about how im burned out and am trying to take a break from drawing right in the middle of a time where im uploading new art more relatively consistently than i have in a very long time it feels like but i guess it was still important to make the distinction, between things that i enjoy drawing and can keep doing vs things i dont enjoy doing at all and need to stop immediately, just for my own sake.

Openly telling people "yuuup i'm not going to be drawing anything other than super basic shit from now on for a long time" means that whenever i think of drawing anything post-worthy i know i will feel silly for posting it after saying that, and from there if i still decide to go through with it anyway it was probably something i actually wanted to draw and enjoyed doing while if this thought made me self conscious enough to not go through with it then it was probably something i wanted to draw only due to impulsive obligation rather than something i wanted to spend time making just for the fun of doing it so the spell gets broken. So its a functional enough system, i guess.

&now that this distinction has been made in my brain i can spend more time doing shit i actually enjoy instead of letting it get beaten out by the things i "should" be working on every time

Putting my foot down and going "no, i am not going to keep forcing myself to do detailed clean lineart on even more detailed sketches when i get much more enjoyment out of just doing really rough and simple shit instead" after i have found myself independently coming to realizations about what kinds of art just suck the life out of me over and over again and then just disregarding these realizations every single time to go back to the shit that kills me because "well this is how you normally do it" or "this technically looks nicer, in some aspects" and finally just fucking forcing myself to stop doing that is probably overall more helpful to my mental health than just forcing myself to stop drawing altogether when thats a drastic move that may or may not be the actual solution. Now i am finding and re-learning ways to create things that don't make me feel like i am a walking corpse so i think i will take the feeling of thinking i look a little silly for seemingly disregarding my big life updates over never having found these things out for myself at all any day.

I don't really know why i feel like making update posts in the first place when to be honest i dont think it really matters, people arent paying me for any of this and i stopped feeling "sorry" for "not posting enough" or such things as that a long time ago so it's not like i feel any kind of legitimate need to tell people about what my status is creative-wise. But i guess a large part of it is just that i like talking and have a lot of things to say but for various personal reasons have no desire to post 99% of these thoughts publicly so it's the like rare chance i get to actually start saying shit on any of my art accounts that is actually relevant to the subject at hand without crossing my own boundaries and saying more than i am comfortable with

It is a little weird feeling writing update posts though because i dont really know how to word them in any way that doesnt come off as a fanfic authors note going "sorry its been a whole 20 minutes since the last update i got mugged and all my money was stolen and he broke my leg also but im trying my best to write more despite this" like girl focus on the mugging not this shit. When in reality i actually dont care very much about providing Content as much as the hypothetical fanfic author i just felt the need to say something because why not and didnt know how to word it in a way that makes me not come off like that. which is how you get this i guess. anyway i already forgot what the point of this post was i guess i just wanted to say some shit. which tracks i suppose.

The moral of the story or some shit i guess is that even if you are not doing art as a job it can still end up feeling like one and killing your creative spirit like one would and you need to be able to identify when this is happening and what things you dont actually want to create even though you feel like you "should" so you can kill these practices before they kill you

or something like that

I dont really care about having a point here i wrote this at 2 am

i just like talking

[hiddenreflections]

cederic vent

"I know Adam did it too, adapted the pedophiles value system. Because this is how we survived. I know im not the only one that did it. I know he taught us what right and wrong is, what strength means. I know it cause Adam does see where we are similar. I know we mirror a specific type of abuser. I know we are not just that, by far not. But thats where we get it from. But like you say, the child rapist has no right to dictate was strength is. But still your brain really had to learn might is right, the stronger one wins, when someone can hurt you it makes them superior, and Adam acted this out on others. He actually harmed people weaker than him, or people even technically older or stronger than him, he still got them piss-poor and down. But you know... how deeply we had to learn that. How deeply we had to learn that this just is the kind world we are living in. We had a shit window for reference. And Adam probably curses himself right about now that he fucked up by hurting other people behind your back at all, he curses himself for not having thought of how it would impact you more. He feels shit for that too. Cuz anything he does impacts you too, will make you feel bad, guiltridden, scared. He doesnt just have the right to do whatever he wants in your life. He sees it as your life, he only lend it to do some damage, to vent what he felt. We grew up in a different world than you did, you got damaged, abused as well, but you never had to survive in a world so tough, with one single dictator that decided what is right and wrong, in a world so lacking in morality so thin with anything to hold onto. And its not fair to rip you into our world without preperation to confront you with what we had to survive, to make it your world too. When youre the one in the right. Adam long saw that before I did. Youre the healthier one. The one that actually understand, has values, morality, has some kind of mentally healthy outlook.

Its like you are resocializing us so we too.. can be, or exist in the world, without just carriying our abusers disease and wrong thinking. Its not fair that his abuse was our entire world, its not fair at all. Its not fair that he taught us that being stronger makes superior, that weakness exists to be taken advantage of.

But it wasnt fair on you either to dominate your world with our pain. Which is why im so pissed at Joshua. He really.. just.. he had no right to do that. I had no right to do what I did. I carry on somebody elses disease, because we internalized his lack of morality. I didnt have any right to try and hurt your boyfriend. Just because im detached from this life doesnt mean I just get to damage it, damage you, I mean I was in the end what fucked up your entire relationship. I did that. You had no say in it. I ruined something you held dear. I had no right to do that. At the time I felt justified, I felt justified with ruining anything, maybe not as badly as Joshua. But I felt right to do it. Strong for it. The raw power to take anything from you, to ruin any chances, any potential.

To know others do not understand what it is like to be in your position, to really be that bullied and harmed by persecutors and alters. To really have their life turned upside down from one day to the next, just for remembering repressed trauma.

And I laughed at it. I laughed at making you look violent, and out of control, aggressive in ways youve never ever been before. I laughed at how I have that power to destroy your life, tear it into bits. Completely detached from the idea that this is my own life too. I understand why ou thought this is all I am.

But raw strength.. it proves nothing. Its worthless. It can be useful if theres an actual objective behind it. But it doesnt make me anyone. It didnt prove anything about our abuser either. He wasnt superior to us. He wasnt stronger than us. Im starting to slowly, slowly understand why you see our abuser as so pathetically weak, sure you never had to learn to adhere to living in a world that painful as the one he created for us, you never had to learn these lessons. It wouldve robbed you blind of kindness too. Im sure. But it doesnt make you wrong, you know? You come from the healthier world. We come from the sick world. The upside down world. Youre right to tell me he was weak, he was never right to do what he did, he wasnt strong. Raw strength as weird as it sounds, it doesnt make strong. Sometimes winning can mean youre.. weak even. It matters how you win, the why is important too. He was a sadist, an endless sadist, a fucked up sadist with a probably tiny ego and a fear of rejection. Youre right, he could feel strong with a child, but he probably felt undermined and weak in his daily life. Not an equal to anyone. And I feel sick for paralleling him. But im slowly letting go of my old beliefs. Id rather.. id rather be yours. your version of strong. and be loved. loved more than anything. admired even. held dear. to be warm. to not feel like such a monster.

youre right to teach me. youre right to teach me your values. youre so so right to do that. Im not strong for taking advantage. Theres no skills necessary for that. Its laughably weak. so weak. im pathetic for it. I cant quite believe that yet, but.. maybe one day I will.

I think what abusers dont understand that there is something that is so much more addictive, so much more superior than raw overpowering someone, than raw strength, than winning and its being loved. its being held dear. its finding true connection and belonging. something true abusers may never find, never in all seriousness, they wouldnt be capable of it. And maybe that does put me apart from him, even on my worst I knew I value and like this more than the power.

In the end im yours, im yours. Ill always be yours. Ill never just be what that pig made me into. what he made us internalize. I exist inside us. Inside you. And ill never not be yours, no matter how harmful ive been. That idea fueled me. That I find belonging with you. warmth. love. care. everything he deprived us, I mean Adam comes from a world where love and care simply did not exist, and it made him stronger than it made me. He adapted well to that. I did not. I just became cruel. But I have my own strenghts, right? You keep telling me I do. Things that make me superior to him, too. in my own little ways.

Ill always be a part of you. Even as independent of you as I see myself. I love the idea of belonging to you. It rescued me to know that im yours no matter how low I went, how badly I hurt you. It made me feel warm and seen.

I know I have something our abuser could never have. Something that in your eyes makes me so much stronger than him. Itll take years maybe to really teach all of us that our abuser was weak, when he so clearly demonstrated hes stronger, better than us, has a right to harm us. How can you call a man like that weak? We didnt understand. But youre right. So right to call him that.

I like your world better. I like the world in which power-hungry sadists like him are actually weak better, and people who are honest with their emotions, who makes themselves vulnerable and work very hard to be capable of that, where that is rewared, that is chosen and loved, so much better than the world I grew up in, that the other alters too, grew up in.

And deep down we do exist to protect you. This wish to protect you so imminent in us. No matter how badly we turned on you. how much our abuser rubbed off on us. Itll never change.

Youll win against me again and again and again. And I will be happier. Isnt that ironic? I lose and I feel better. So dont be down on yourself. dont judge yourself so harshly for your shortcomings. youre a winner in my eyes. youve survived so much. youre surviving so much still. all the variables you hold. everything you balance and juggle. youre doing so well for that.

Maybe you cant fix the world, you cant make people like our abuser right, and I know you wouldnt even try it, youd just fuck off, cause people like him do not deserve it. But you can make OUR world right again, me right again, our internal world safe again. make it good on our inside. make it safe to be loved again. to love. to connect. to be. just to be. You have such an impact over that. And itll impact how you navigate the outside world too, youll grow throughout this. I love you more than anyone. I really do. Ill always do. Ill always be here. Ill never go anywhere. I couldnt. we are stuck together for life. and its a pleasure, knowing you, loving you, its a pleasure."

[furiosity-wills-the-cat]

Chara, the fourth Blook cousin:

A crack theory that accidentally become way more serious than it should have because it somehow, despite my best efforts, ended up making sense

Brought to you by my idiot conspiracy brain (affectionate) and by encouragement from my Tumblr followers

Under the cut for the sake of your dashes and sanity

Ok here we go my very elaborate accidental theory, because in order to answer the complex questions simply you must first make simple things more complex or something

First, you need to know that Chara became a Blook cousin by adoption.

All of the Blooks are adopted.

Ghosts are not born into families, they make their own.

Got it? Great, because we’re about to start running

so first, im gonna make surprisingly uncommon claim in this fandom, and I am going to say that undertale ghosts are all dead

I’m taking the tiny details we know about ghosts and sprinting with them to new places

Ghosts also do not have souls I decided

Undertale souls do not work the same as souls in traditional mythology

So every ghost is soulless Unless and Until they become corporeal

Evidence: Monster souls cant exist without bodies, and ghosts are monsters, therefore ghosts cannot have souls without bodies

Further evidence: Asriel doesnt steal blooky’s soul, blooky is unkillable, we have no concrete evidence that blooky has a soul

What about mettaton? He only has a soul after he has completely committed to being corporeal and to a specific body.

Also maddy and mettaton are both only killable while corporeal

Im also connecting the dots we have about souls in a new creative way so let me live for a second

Additionally, i am going to claim that there are a lot more ghosts than just the blooks, some evidence given below

Theres like actual scientific knowlege of ghosts in the undertale verse which seems unlikely if theres literally only three or four

The underground is so much bigger than you think, theres that giant forest in snowdin, a large town in the ruins, the huge city of new home, who knows how much space in the large open areas of waterfall etc. Its really really big okay

Also based off evidence of blooky, we can conclude that ghosts can turn invisible whenever they want to and/or haunt objects to hide

So I personally think that ghosts are, generally speaking, extremely reclusive

And the blooks are just a special exception, a beautiful family, amazing for them

So anyway im going with typical ghost lore for now, for the sake of ease, so im gonna say ghosts generally come from monsters who are particularly restless or unsatisfied when they die

HOWEVER i dont think they remember being monsters or anything before being a ghost. They just kinda fizzle into existance with a fully formed personality and immortality while being unkillable and feeling vaguely uneasy

ALSO i personally think that chara was a ghost for a long time before they became a blook by adoption

Based on game lore, i think ghosts can possess any inanimate object and just kinda wear it? But it takes a lot of strong emotion to become corporeal

And chara is the super weird exception because they were a human not a monster.

They dont have a soul (i headcanon that their soul got destroyed when asriel died)

And they KNOW this, which is a huge part of why they kinda just... give up

Because they lost their ability to fulfill prophecy

Also, without a soul, they lost their ability to reset, so for the first time since falling underground, theyre subject to the relentless march of time

But theyre still weirdly strong and powerful and more emotional

ALSO they DO still remember being a human but they catch on pretty quickly that other ghosts dont have memories and because chara is stupid they just lie to fit in

Theyre too tired to explain themself, they just want to be alone and feel awful

Now back to ghost lore

Emotions are a lot harder for ghosts??? I decided

And they dont know why,, they tend to blame it on the soul thing

But realistically its actually more of the immortality thing making actions not have consequences and/or or not having a body so they cant have a sense of touch or have physical effects of emotion

They all know that ghosts just tend to be way more floaty and bored and numb

And thats part of why the blooks are so special

Maddy’s rage and Mettaton’s yearning and Napstablook’s misery are like... not great all of the time...

but theyre also way way more emotion than most ghosts have,,, they are just a family supporting each other, being as functional as they can,, just an emo(tional) ghost family

most ghosts barely do anything except like stare at walls but the blooks have their snail farm and that helps them have purpose and it is good

And they hold each other accountable and it is nice

So anyway chara just chills and is in a depression coma for a few decades before the blooks find them and are like “our child/baby cousin”

and they raise them for a cool minute

They are all very protective of the new baby emo blook

And chara doesnt get therapy but at the very least they once again have a family, and they decide they want to try to become corporeal eventually just like mtt and maddy

So anyway chara starts hanging out in the ruins a lot more and they finally tell the blooks theyre leaving to go become corporeal in the ruins

This is actually because they are trying to hang out with toriel

because they miss their mom ;;

but chara’s not gonna admit that to anyone, especially not to themself

And because theyre still repressing their emotions constantly and pretending to be fine, they cant become corporeal

And they hang out in the ruins for a long time because they feel guilty lying to everyone about everything

They still feel like its their fault that all the monsters are stuck underground, because they were SUPPOSED to save everyone and they COULDNT and it HURTS

But again, they are doing too much repression to use this guilt to become corporeal,

so instead they just kinda hide and watch toriel from a distance and cry

Blooky visits them the most, thats why blooky is chilling in the ruins so much at the start of the game

Theyre just there to visit their shy baby cousin ;;

Ofc they wont tell frisk about this because chara wants space and privacy and blooky respects that

but maddy and mtt also visit them a lot

Oh also when mtt and maddy start dissapearing, blookys mental health plummets as their family and support system starts to dissolve

Blooky was actually doing extremely well (for a ghost) for a long time, i headcanon,

but theyre doing the worst theyve been in a long long time during the game, because of family issues

So anyway, chara dissapears when frisk shows up, and maddy assumes this is becaude frisk hurt their fragile feelings

Maddy spends hours desperately searching the ruins for chara and cant find them and assumes that they had their heart crushed and went to hide and disappear in a depression coma for another few decades, and thats part of why maddy is so furious with frisk

Like,, to be clear, maddy is still jumping to conclusions and throwing blame around with no proof, but also, its a logical conclusion to come to

And mettaton has already disappeared too and been gone for a while, too, by this point, so it hurts even worse

But anyway, what actually happened to chara is that;

Because chara is a human ghost, not a monster ghost, normal ghost rules dont apply to them

And they can possess living things too they find out

Maybe they knew it a long time ago, maybe its a new discovery, but for whatever reason they end up possessing frisk and theyre like “what the heck”

And frisk still has most of the control

But now chara is like,,, “this is my chance, im a human again, gotta save the world for real,,,”

and they cant explain this to anyone without revealing their past

so they just chill in frisk’s mind while being super crypic and trying to figure out how it works

Pacifist route, this is pretty much exactly what happens

They manage to help frisk save the day

And in my headcanon, the no mercy route is started by frisk who is scared when faced by monsters attacking them

And then chara, who was aready hiding in a semidepression coma for a while, immediately transitions to a panicked “gotta protect this body, gotta protect my chance to be human, i died and threw away my chance to save everyone the first time, i CANNOT lose this chance again”

And so the combination of both frisk and chara is the genocide run

Because frisk kills in self defense, and whenever frisk hesitates, chara jumps in

Also theres leftover feelings from the whole asriel incident

Because again, ghosts come from monsters who died unsatisfied

And chara’s main source of unsatisfaction is how they were trying to get asriel to kill people before he died and then he didnt

So thats a strong strong feeling ruling them

So anyway by the time they both realize how bad its become they figure its too late and also the amount of LOVE has made them numb

And thats when chara who, despite everything, still has idiot hero complex and thinks they need to save the world

So, while panicking, they step in at the very end, and erase the timeline and delete everything

And also to clarify

They DONT HAVE this power at any other point in the game

Because, guess why

They become corporeal

Just like maddy, the no mercy route is the only thing that gives them strong enough emotion to spontaneously become corporeal

So they become corporeal and as soon as they have a soul again and can reset again, they just erase everything

Ok back to fluff

Post pacifist route, they are still a non corporeal ghost

They can still float around and look just like the other blooks

And it takes them a while to open up about things, but they do end up moving back in with blooky so that blooky isnt completely alone

And also they do way better with a family

Also they can float through the mountain and talk to flowey down below and bring him news

And now that they know about him, they can bond with him and explain that they dont have a soul either but that doesnt mean theyre worthless

Oh ALSO

The other dead humans dont have ghosts

BECAUSE

ghosts only come from restless dead MONSTERS

and chara is the weird special exception

Because they were a monster when they died

They became a ghost and asriel didnt because they were way more restless and stressed than asriel was when both of them died

Like sure, asriel felt awful, but chara was the one who was way more like “this is my fault, i CANT die now, the world NEEDS me”

So anyway

charablook the emo tween ghost and asriel flowey the eldrich goat daisy are siblings once more and they hang out and eventually they are okay and have a family again

Thank you for reading, this has been my thoughts on a crack theory that accidentally went too far

This isnt even everything, maybe i’ll make a part two eventually, but i promised to have this post out like two days ago, so i wanted to post SOMTHING

Anyway leave your thoughts if youd like

Im not looking for people to disprove it, i already know its crazy, i dont think it was intentional by the game writers, but i do think its a fun concept

thats the fun of it, so if anyone wants to run with it im all for it lol

Thanks again! Have a nice day!

[littlx-songbxrd]

Zia I have an important question. (Also hi!!! How are you? 🌻)

If the bullies from the academy beat Alastair for a whole year, why do they never physically harm the Merry Thieves? (Save for the demon incident with dumbass Clive)

Especially say Thomas? Who was unusually frail for a shadowhunter?

Why do I feel like it was racism? I mean it could be something to do with their families maybe? That there would be consequences for them, but also there was no consequences for the demon thing soooo

Did Alastair's method of verbal humiliation just make them laugh more so they didn't feel the need? Like WHAT is happening? Did they only beat up Alastair and no one else??

(Also why is no one angry with Eugenia for dating Augustus? He actively bullied them too, even insulting Tessa while staying in her home....James literally threw him into the Thames? Why is it never mentioned that the Thieves at least didn't approve? It sort of makes the "they hate Alastair more because he is actively in their life" theory lose some credibility?)

I don't mean this to sound rude or critical of the Merry Thieves, I mean it more as an inconsistency in CC writing

I feel like you've come to the right place for this because I partake in the hobby of overanalisis wayy too much (and am critical of the mt to a certain extent but fjfnnfnrmfnnf)

Now, this could all very well be CC not being consistent or maybe not thinking of certain plot points before she publiahed nbs and cls

But if we see it in canon context, it does keep the question, why do they hit Alastsir and not the merty thieves

In my opinion theres a simple answer

Merry thieves had power

Alastair did not

Yes the merry thieves were potrayed as "outcast" in the academy and were tormented verbally

But the merry thieves are also very much the sons of 3 of the most influencial families in london. If they contiously hit and phydically harmed them, do you think their parents would sit and do nothing?

You really want to deal with the Consul, head of the london institute perhaps

I do not claim verbal bullying has any lesser effect than physical (both can be extremly damaging). But verbal sure is a lot easier to hide, specially in theyre society

Where they dont really have any sense of mental health, which is the side verbal bullying affects. If shadowhunters dont believe in mental health ot wouldnt be such a hard thing to hide within the school itself. Meanwhile if they hurt any of them, thatd be a lot harder to cover up

They could get away with an incident, once. But if it happened again are you gonna be the one to deal with the consul?

They might have been outcast, but their families did have power

Now Alastair

Lets go by simple logic

If you see you do smth and you can get away with it

Why would you stop?

If they bullied Alastaor and got away with hitting him with no consequence

Why would they stop?

Alastair has no safetly net, maybe all they know about his father are through rumors of his fall of grace but if they harm Alastair and really nothing happens. No repricusions from his family, why would they see reason to stop picking on him?

Alastair was small, just out of a toxic family and very vulnurable. No one came for him when they first did it, neither the second. Because I dont think Alastair would write back, because what would he leave the academy for? To go back to Elias? Again? After this was his final chance

I do certainly believe racism did play a part of it to a certain degree. I feel this part (given the shadowhunter world building) would play more part into the verbal side of it

Cause heres a noy who doesnt look like them, doesnt speak like them (yes Alastair did not have a brittish accent, he developoed it in the acadeny fight me djjkfk) and will never be like them

Do you think the mundane kids working for assension wouldnt give him weird looks? Those raised in mundane society who are only used to seeing people like him as beggars or "my mama and papa told me we shouldnt trust them?"

Which adds in itself more reason to not write home, cause how does he tell his mother they dont trust him because of the culture she gave him?

This got way to long and idk if it makes sense but i've been thinking wayyyyy too much about it

ALSO YOIRE RIGHT ABOUT THE AUGUSTUS THING BUT I GUESS THATS ON CCS PART. ITS IDIOTOC BUT-

Also im doing fine!

Quick question since I just realized this

Is there anything I can call you by? Cause I dont think I call you anything and its messing with my brain

If not I'll give you a nickname!

[fairycosmos]

lmao im actually so desperate to die im considering swallowing two peach pits just to see if i will choke to death because nothing else ive tried has worked so far . you know what my life doesnt fucking matter ill do it. with my luck it wont work i feel im being punished and thats why i cant die. ill do it. if i dont get back to you something happened but i doubt it. im tired like you said i deserve peace. we do. bye maybe i hope this works this is pathetic but im desperate to die

hey, i'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. it seems like you're totally overwhelmed right now and i completely understand how debilitating that can be. i know there's nothing i can do or say that will really change how awful it feels, and you're probably not in the headspace to read all this. but if you ever want to come back to it, it'll be here. maybe you could try some of these grounding exercises, here / here and here beforehand to get you in a place where you can focus a little. it's alright, there's no rush or pressure. i just wanted to say first of all that this is not pathetic in the slightest. sometimes the world gets on top of you and you go througn so much trauma and hurt that it really does feel like giving up is the only option. people can only take so much, and i get it. that's the trick of the suicidal brain though, i think. it uses life's suffering and your own past experiences to convince you that it is always going to be this way. to romanticize death and make it into something it isn't in your head. it is actually very hard to die, as i'm sure you know. and it's not the peaceful option or escape you're looking for, either. and the most paramount thing i want to say is that your life 100% does matter. this was never up for debate. you were born with an inherent worth and it hasn't went away just because you can no longer see it. you honestly can't fathom how you've impacted peoples lives, directly and indirectly, and even just the world itself. you don't have to be anybody but who you are, i promise, the whole point is just having the human experience you're having. you're fulfilling your purpose by existing, no matter how hard it is at times. i think it's a good sign that you reached out to me, i honestly think it shows that you have a lot of self awareness regarding what's going on and that you're truly capable of asking for the help that you need. you're not in a place right now where you can trust your thoughts and feelings, so it's good to seek an objective perspective from somebody else. this state of mind is so transient, it's so intense that it's not built to last. i'm not trying to downplay how unbelievably hard to live with, of course, but it can be freeing to acknowledge that this is not all there is, no matter how difficult it is to endure currently. you deserve to be here and to exist in a way that heals you, no matter what your mind is telling you. there can be a variety of underlying causes for suicidal feelings, and obviously they're very serious issues that need real medical attention in order to begin to overcome. but with that and with time, it is totally possible to learn to live a full live along side all you've been through. even though right now i'm sure that's the lastthhing on earth you want to do.

are you currently working with a mental health professional of any sort? your doctor, a therapist, a support group, even a hotline? if not, i would really urge you to get in touch with them as soon as possible. and if you already are, let them know where your thoughts are at lately so they can focus on upping your level of care. if you're worried about money, there are cost-effective choics available, like finding a therapist who offers a sliding scale price, or looking into mental health resources within your community. i know your brain is probably screaming at you to do the opposite, but i promise any baby step in the right direction is going to pay off. the prospect of reaching out and being honest is a daunting one, and i'm only bringing it up as something to consider at the moment (or when you feel able to) so please don't write it off all together. you don't have to do anything right now, just know you have options. you honestly do. and talking to someone really is not as bad as your brain is probably building it up to be. just like with physical illness, mental illness can be confronted and treated. it's all about learning how to manage your unique mind, and even if it takes a lifetime, it is so possible to lessen the frequency of episodes like this. or to become more prepared for them so they feel less erratic when they do occur. discussing about what you've been through, pinpointing root causes of your suicidal thoughts, learnng how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your daily routine, building a support system, finding the medication for you if needed - all of this is going to make a tangible difference. it is not going to fix everything, obviously, but it is going to lighten the weight and broaden your perspective on yourself and on living. you deserve to be supported without judgement and with genuine care, you deserve to be listened to. there are a lot of people, professionals or otherwise, even just strangers like me, who are willing to filling that role for you.

idk how it is for you and i won't pretend to, but sometimes suicidal people don't want to lose their lives, they just want to stop living the way they are. with so much chaos and unresolved pain and exhaustion. you don't have to hurt yourself in order to get there. i know when you're in this mindset, any even slightly positive piece of advice just feels impossible to believe. but even if you can't seriously take it on board at the moment, i hope when you're in a more grounded place, you can at least consider as an alternative to absolute hopelessness. you may as well, because you are alive and that is not always going to feel like a curse. it is so hard to believe it, i get that, but it is a fundamental truth. you are in an extremely difficult moment but that is not your whole existence. the future is ever changing, and you've already made it through the past, so the only thing that really matters is this moment. focus on what you need, not what you want, but what you need to do right now to truly self - prioritize. even if that feels like the last thing on earth you want do. if self destruction and self harm was gonna make you feel better, it would've by now. welcome the idea of trying something new, maybe just the notion of attempting to guide yourself through this with a bit of self-compassion. please, if you feel like you are an immediate danger to yourself, please exercise any sense of self preservation/ survival instinct and call the authorities, a hotline or a friend/family member right away. no matter what bullshit your brain is telling you, no matter how heavy your heart is right now . everything is always always always changing and things are going to change beyond recognition, it's the one thing you can count on. you deserve to stick around to see it all, and once you've made the decision to do so, you won't feel so stuck and conflicted anymore. i'm going to leave some links that i think might help a little in this moment, but like i said, please call someone if you feel you can't be alone right now. i'm rooting for u a lot and i really hope you are able do the right thing for yourself. if it's all too hard, focus on getting through the next hour. if that's too much, the next minute. and if that's too much, the next second. break it down into what you can handle and let yourself live. and then just go from there. sending you all my love.

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