#like i genuinely have no idea what to do ive struggled w it for over a year

[garpond]

idk i just feel like. i am bothered immensely by how quick people can be to say 'well it was a different time back then' in response to learning about or hearing discussions about some of the truly horrific stuff that went down w/ groupie culture and etc in the sixties and seventies. it upsets me deeply when like thats the extent of it. and idk it just makes me feel insane because i wonder how anybody else handles it emotionally at all when i just can't. its getting to the point where i can hardly engage with music at all without the nagging thought that whoever i'm listening to and getting attached to probably sexually abused minors. or did something else abhorrent. and like every time i learn something about someone whos music i admired it only reinforces how common it was and terrifies me that chances are it's true of my favorite too and i just havent found anything yet. like no matter how much ive read about the person without encountering anything. it makes me feel freaked out that maybe someone else knows something i don't and i'm just being willfully ignorant by being this deeply involved with the person side of music. and like i hate to sound like im calling any other fans bad people its just that i dont understand how it doesnt affect some people at all like i know its just bc i am a victim of sexual trauma and i am so painfully aware day after day about how that happening to me as a teen permanently screwed me up and I just cant handle it. but its like obviously i cant like, switch off a special interest because thats not how autism works. im sorry this post is really cringe i feel super embarrassed talking about this its just that i dont think ive ever really fully been honest about why ive deleted and remade twice and tried to get this interest to go away multiple times. its just really really evil what this does to my brain and every day i wish so deeply that i could be interested in literally anything else that wouldnt do this to me mentally

[phagodyke]

SUDDENLY STARTED RAINING SO HARD WE ARE SO FUCKING BACK

[oracld]

2, 4, 9 & 12 perhaps for your love ratio?

hi adam. theres so much i can say about this actually. so i have to put it under the cut because something is wrong with me

2. On what do you disagree with other fans of your f/o?

so many things dude. SO many things im actually struggling to think now i'm actually being asked.

his personality as a whole is one. a lot of people really like to misinterpret him as unfeeling/uncaring, when at his core he's a humanist who cares more for humanity in the now and in the future & what he can do to educate and prevent ignorance than his own self interest.

the major one is his fucking rejection from the genius society dude oh my fucking god dont get me started how many times do i have to say HE DOESNT CARE THAT NOUS DOESNT PAY HIM ANY MIND. he got over that so fucking long ago. screwllum literally states in the first simulated universe expansion that ratio is someone who doesn't care for the aeons, and in fact believes focusing on them rather than other humans / living beings isnt worth the time. thats why the first expansion he worked on is called the human comedy. previous simulated universe was about herta's study of the aeons and how to connect with / reach out to them. ratio's study is specifically on humans. yes, there was a time where ratio did genuinely care for the approval of nous and the genius society, hence why he's been shown to be upset at his rejection. have some of you considered its been years upon years since then and he DOESNT GAF ANYMORE STOP MAKING THIS A CORE TRAIT OF HIS BECAUSE ITS NOT

4. Do you feel like you have to defend your f/o all the time? 

YES because every fucking week theres new discourse about some shit he didnt fucking do and i feel like im going insane whenever i have to state the obvious for the 5th time this week

it is never once stated he worked on the anti-planetary weapon with the intent for it to cause the destruction to life it ended up creating. literally why would he ever do that. what reason would he have to do that. Point it out to me. ratio, someone who does everything just for the sheer love of humanity, who cured a disease previously thought to be incurable, who solved an energy crisis on another planet he had no connection to. its so fucking obvious the patents to the design were given/sold to the ipc with the idea in mind that providing them with it would allow it to reach a wider area and help more people. somehow i dont think he intended for it to fucking kill people dude

and i'm not even getting into the racism discourse Learn to read

9. Do you distance yourself from other fans of your f/o or their source?

surprisingly not? i mean. kind of. i dont bother to interact w fans of him that i don't already know, but the majority of my friends are also big enjoyers of him and i trust them all w him because we literally met via having similar opinions on him. so like. Nuanced answer or smth

12. Aren’t you tired of being nice? This is an excuse to rant.

the next time someone claims him as unfeeling, describes him as a "sociopath" (not even the right term. get with the times), a narcissist (interpreting him as having npd is something ive explored and enjoy on occasion too but yall just use this as a pop psychology narc way and im sick), an asshole, someone who genuinely doesnt care for others, i'm blowing this whole fucking platform up its SERIOUS

av.entio fans are literally my opps and i say this as one of their most dedicated soldiers. Yall come up with some new shit to make the fuck up about ratio every week and every time your interpretation of him gets further and further from who he actually is and just morphs into some weird fucking yaoi slop when the source content of them is literally already good and has enough for you to work with without changing him to be some weird like daddy dom shit. alternatively people who woobify him to hell and make him some like uwu sub make me wanna explode too and i say this as a firm sub ratio enjoyer. EVERYONE BE FUCKING NORMAL NOW!!!!!!!!!!!

theres like 3000 other things i could say but i have a headache so whatever post over Thank you for asking

[elaichoi]

tw: bit of discussion on mental health [diagnoses]; talks of depression/major depressive disorder, [social] anxiety, panic disorder, mention of agoraphobia, god idek tbh im sorry

YES LOL THEY WERE ANNOYING TO DO BUT $5 GIFTCARDS N SHIT ^_^ nooo i almost never did the surveys cus i get random emails and thats annoying and they also take forever,, so i only did the ones where u have to download whatever app (usually a game) they tell u to, use it for x amt of seconds/minutes (i forget) and u go back to the app and it gives u points or whatever that u redeem for giftcards! that's how i got superimpose actually 😭 edit tutorial accs would promote their code for that app/site (i don't remember what its called im not gatekeeping i swear) bc using their code gives both u and them extra points,,, and i wanted superimpose so i gave it a try and well what do u know 🥰🥰

my mental health story is kind of long and redundant and not that exciting so i shall spare u,,, well actually i rewrote this 383299 times bc i ended up trauma dumping i think... so um basics i got depressed my freshman yr of highschool, time skip- got diagnosed w depression, generalized anxiety disorder & agoraphobia, which the agoraphobia turned to be a misdiagnosis and i went somewhere else and got rediagnosed w panic disorder. child of a generational trauma that my asian parents do not think exist🫶 i alr knew a lot (90%) of my anxiety was social anxiety but i did not receive that diagnosis until this year. i lost my panic disorder diagnosis yay! andddd also got a diagnosis for major depressive disorder which was kind of an 'ohhhh' moment for me bc a lot of times i felt like antidepressants made me a lot better i felt cured lmfao i was hardly ever depressed,, except i sometimes get depressive episodes and im still struggling w the symptoms of depression that is not depression itself...if that makes sense...those symptoms being memory issues!! quick act surprised!! focus issues, i procrastinate a lot now.... which is important bc before all of this i was a very.. is high-functioning the right term? i genuinely dk if that's a term im supposed to be using,, but basically i was like top of the class student, always on-time and organized, never procrastinated, always remembered everything, i guess kinda type A personality lmao,,,, and now i am not 😃

im probably forgetting some other key stuffs but its okie,,,,, probably irrelevant but ive always been a fairytale hopeless romantic except a dumb long-term relationship got thrown into the middle and peak of my mental health mess (who told me that was a good idea 👺) has made me v antiromantic if u will 💀💀 i girlbossed myself into thinking im wise emotionally but i honestly am v v naive and sensitive and i will be a crybaby if snri's allow me to at that moment 👍

i used to be v smart but im kinda v dumb now but im also kinda trying to get back up again bc i feel? like im slowly improving in general? idk tbh,,, idk what im doing 😁

erm im v sorry this was very mentally unseggsy of me 😗 can u tell i have no concept of oversharing im so sorry for clogging your feed, qiwis followers pls forgive 🙇‍♀️

wbu? same question u asked me on mental health n cognitive functions ^^ only if ur comfortable answering ofc!

i think u could do it if u rlly wanted to, again u talent/hobby vacuum 👺 /j maybe like for blog milestone or something would be an excuse for a one-time video edit then you wouldn't have to continue if u don't want to ? hmm

whenever i didn't have ideas i would like choose a specific edit i rlly liked and use the same audio and like ""recreate"" it (not to post, its just for me & practice purposes lol). like the editor wouldve already split the audio for transitions and stuff so you can split your audio according to the transitions in their edit and add ur own clips over top. u can try to imitate their transitions or do ur own or whatever. i like doing that to practice bc it gives me somewhere to start! idk that's what worked for me personally,, just an idea for if u ever feel up for it no pressure!!

i don't think i could get into the video editing scene again bc i would want to progress to be a good editor and be confident ab my edits but capcut makes me insecure lol bc if everybody can do it then why should i take the time to grow and progress 😗 (that makes me sound like a pick me but again.. its similar to like ai replacing real working humans yk..😭😭)

my relationship ramble thingy ^ means that i also i love angst and making myself cry 😍😍🫦🫰 crack anything is 1000% your brand ‼️

omg yea real life inspo for ur reincanation aus ☺️ ehehe BUT YAY I LOOK FORWARD TO UR REPLIES SM HAVE UR NOTIFS ON LOLL i love talking to u! <3 consentual kisses! ^_^

wait....did we get engaged and/or married here,,,,,,,, on ur nsfw acct FJDJSK😭💀

oh my god i never tried that but i think there were some apps fr that were like ah yes get this free version and then watch a few ads and get one or two watermark free edits per day. BROOO THSI BRINGS BACK SO SO SO MANY MEMORIES!! (i think i rarely did that bc i was one lazy mf also vindictive so i did what i could to work with free apps)

life really tossed you like a salad damn baby I'm sorry you had to go through all that LIKE YOU COULDN'T CATCH A BREAK oh my god bro it seems like you kinda burned out? if that makes sense? because im sure a lot of things were expected of you ( asian parents here too also BRO THEY DONT think trauma EXISTS!) im glad you're getting better bit by bit HERE'S TO GETTING EVEN BETTER IN THE UPCOMING DAYS!!! we will kick mental illness's ass together lmao!

tbh third world country so never really got diagnosed properly but like most of my time i was suffering from. depression i was gaslit into thinking I'm just being whiny and uts not depression and because of this i developed repressive emotions where NOW it's my own turn where i refuse to acknowledge any kind of shit that happened to me like theres a sense of embarrassment where i can't like outright say like yeah this, and this happened to me because I don't anyone's "pity" and some huge ass shit happened to my family which made me haha something i cant say on here but im like over that now ( lol i need to go therapist for this) but yeah OH and I get the depressive episodes because i get that too oh my god like for weeks but my best friend once gave me, like just feel the emotions and let it pass like sure it will feel like a tractor running u over but it will get over and then one day you will take that shower and brush ur hair and feel a lil better!!!!

ooh but LIKE TUMBLR video platform sucks ass but i really like the idea omg i will think it through!!!

BRO NO WAY CAUSE I DID THAT TOO BUT LIKE WITH edits lmao but you're so freaking TALENTED DO YOU KNOW THAT?! i will have to try it I think with all thr tiktok edit trends now it's become easier to do those things i actualky tried to do some of it for my friends bday and it's coming up again so ill have to try!!!

okay but even if capcut exists which I think in a way is kind of good for people who loved editing but couldn't edit bc they couldn't work with, or afford fancy softwares yk but you can't deny the polishness that alight motion or vs will give you. you can't outdo the doer 💅🏼💅🏼 so you really should give it a try!!

you're SO SWEET I LOOK FORWARD SM TO YOUR ANONS TOO LIKE I ONLY COME HERE TO CHECK FOR YOUR ANONS LMAO i love talking to you too 🤭🤭

we're already married,, yes on nsfw kinda on theme don't you think so??

[wackywatchdotcom]

SHES VERY FUN TO CONSIDER!!!!

on the entomologist thing- i absolutely get it the only reason i dont hc her as an entomologist is cus i cant figure out how itd work lore-wise but emotionally??? i want her to be one SO BAD. ill be so happy if im proven wrong. its why i settled on the idea that shed done ento related jobs in the past- bc ive worked in labs myself so i know u dont necessarily need a degree to get in and it gives me an excuse to imagine she knows some lab stuff HAHA

kinger like. he definitely reads to me like he was always a pretty nervous person, though likely wayyy less so entering the circus. i imagine it was something that just got worse with time as the reality of the situation set in and the adventures just.... kept happening. its very sweet to imagine that queenie helped to even it out- i think she leaned sadder where kinger leaned more nervous

also YEAAA!!! i think when it comes to some interests its like. it depends on the context but personally it makes me so happy considering entomology is SUCH a big deal to my brain and influences a LOT of how i see Literally Everything, so the idea of queenie being like that too is very joyful to me. i like the idea that she was genuinely so confident in her interest in entomology- and also the communication thing cus i like when characters Enjoy talking to people but still Struggle with it in some way, it feels realistic and impactful to me

the circus is definitely a huuuge nightmare for any person who in any way doesnt like loud noises, bright colors, constant activity, and it would work very well if queenie made the fort because of that... theoretically maybe theres SOMEWHERE in the circus queenie could have gone that was quieter and darker but given whats been shown i get the feeling that the fort became the only real consistent place to get away from it all. which SUCKS but its good it eventually existed

personally i DO like to imagine some of the others have met queenie!!!! my timeline ive made is truthfully a little wonky, but i like to imagine that at least ragatha knew her…. theres no real reason for me to think as much, but the idea feels very potent for me… im generally very curious abt the shows timeline though. i hope we get a better picture of it eventually. though also if its left ambiguous so that ppl can come up w their own ideas for the smaller details that arent a super big deal for the events of the show itself id also understand

either way, it gets really confusing but i like to imagine queenie and kinger having one another kept the other from abstracting for a long time (once again this is heavily influenced by that fic i like HAHA), even if it didnt last forever (though it does feel like its been a decent amount of time since shes abstracted)- and since i hc ragatha in particular as having been around for a pretty sizable amnt of time too, i imagine she knew queenie. and also because the idea of both of them mourning queenie makes me sad and i dont think either would have coped well especially in the immediate aftermath, but the idea that theyd still be able to know that the other knows about it has some sort of psychological effect on me

(ftr i dont abide by it super heavily and i came up with it like over a month ago and i should go back and workshop it, but the hc timeline i have set up for myself puts kinger and queenie as both having joined the circus at minimum 16 years prior to the show, and ragatha 12. i need to think on these numbers more but either way i like to think queenie DID manage to last in the circus over 5 years- hopefully more- getting the opportunity to meet ragatha. i dont know about the others though, theyre more ambiguous to me)

anyway, yr all good!!!! talking abt this is SUPER fun i love talking abt characters at length, and queenie may not have any canon appearances (yet. i can hope. we already got a flashback scene in ep 3 meaning its something the show IS willing to do) but its still sooo so fun to consider what she was like!!!!! :D

What do you think Queenie was like when she was around? What do you think about the HC of her potentially being on the spectrum?

i dont have a super concrete idea, but i do imagine, true to kingers word, that she was very funny and creative!!!

ive mentioned it before but i dont think she was actually an entomologist- just someone invested in it! (the only way i could see her being an entomologist is if, for some reason, c&a wanted an entomologist on board for... something? but thats a very biological field so i dont think this is the case). at most i think shed worked related jobs in the distant past, but nothing recquiring a degree in the field

despite this i do think she was just as weird as entomologists are. because theyre all weird and its great. every entomologist or person DEEPLY dedicated to entomology ive ever met has been eccentric in some way. i think she was like this. what this entails is ambiguous

(id use myself as a source but i think im closer to kinger in terms of knowledge on entomology, in that its above standard knowledge of insects but still not nearly as much as an actual entomologist has)

also i think she was bad at completely dialing down talk about insects. i think shed try but as she talks itd gradually veer right back into just her saying her own thoughts, complete with abbreviations and ento terms that no one else but her knows

she was definitely very funny and probably in like. a very goofy way. i think she was generally pretty composed but had a very lighthearted sense of humor. i think with her general like... demeanor of Knowing What Shes Doing that shed just Say Things that would catch people off guard in a very silly way

in terms of creativity, i dont imagine she was an artist (or if she was i think it was a recent skill she was learning- maybe gangle was teaching her...) but i do imagine she had a very good ability to problem-solve and generally had a really good grasp on methods of doing things. creative is the best way to put it again. she was clever!!

i do think she was probably the more grounded of the two, less jumpy and more prone to thinking about the situation the two were in (what with how kingers personality ties into his chess piece being a king, i like the idea that hers ties in too). it gave her more of a tendency to really think about it all which contributed to her abstraction :(

i dont think she waas TOOOO much more serious than kinger though... i think they were both huge goofballs and it was sweet

tbqh my idea of her is ALSO influenced by my favorite tadc fic that i read a few weeks back and am still obsessed with (metamorphosis by beepborpdoodledorp!! its REALY good). i like to imagine she was like how she is in this!!!!

in terms of her being autistic i am ALWAYS a fan of interpretting characters as autistic. i looove the idea of entomology being a special interest of hers (especially bc i can certainly relate), and even w the minimal knowledge we have of her i think it works really well. i think i could come up with more elaborate details abt this other than the surface level stuff but id need to think on it more...

(i myself try to avoid hcing a character as autistic and then just making it about having special interests since thats only one facet ofc, though w the little info we have on her its one of the easiest things to point to... i would love to have more ideas for it)

though, i know its implied to be an abstraction thing but i DO like the idea that she found bright lights overstimulating. i could see her finding MOST things in the circus overstimulating. if she were around to meet pomni i think theyd be able to connect over that (considering i hc pomni as autistic too but i dont wanna derail this w rambling abt that HAHA). the humor thing may have created strange moments though since i think pomni has very little sense of humor- or at the very least, a highly specific one that is hard to hit. maybe queenie could have managed to make her laugh...

either way i REALLY like the idea. autism entomology combo WIN!!!!!

[lilyswrittenworks]

IV| First Match

Warning(s): None

Synopsis: You and Piccolo agree on a friendly sparring match that solely relies on each other’s skills through close quarter combat.

The odd little friendship you had with Piccolo had evolved over the course of months. From hardly talking to one another, to engaging in a conversation—well, it was mostly you that did all the talking. Piccolo might not be a man of many words–a Namekian as you had recently learned– however, his body language accompanied by the way he pays close attention to every word you say and would gesture for you to continue on whatever you were explaining is proof enough that he’s always listening.

Of the times that you aren’t rambling like usual, he would be the one to initiate a conversation with you. In those moments when he did, it was him giving you pointers on certain techniques you were practicing, even sharing you a great deal of knowledge about his own martial art skills.

That’s what he was doing right now, the only difference was that he was genuinely intrigued by your own techniques.

“Those techniques… are unlike anything I’ve ever seen. Where did you learn that from?”

You chuckled at his genuine curiosity as you straightened yourself from your stance. “They were taught to me by my sabumnim, of course I perfected them over time and tweaked them to my liking. Don’t get me wrong I still uphold her techniques and will continue to do so in her honor. But I am always experimenting with newfound techniques that work for me nowadays.”

His eyes shifted to the ground with his brows drawn together in thoughtful consideration before meeting your gaze. “I see… your master taught you well from the looks of it.”

You smiled, placing your hands on your hips and puffing out your chest with pride. “Of course she did! People often questioned her brutal training methods as being too harsh, as crazy as her methods were. It gave results.”

Piccolo raised his brows in surprise. “She? So your master was a woman then?”

“You sound surprised.” You saw his features hardened almost immediately to hide whatever he was thinking.

“Well, yes, it's uncommon to see any women being a part of the martial arts.”

Piccolo does make a valid point. Throughout your years of being a martial artist it was rare to see any women taking part in a mostly male oriented art. Knowing that not many young women take part in it is mainly due to the lack of inclusivity especially the stigma that women shouldn't be involved because of some dumb reason to scare them off and it was frustrating. You wanted to make a change, the same way your master did too to get to where she was. You worked your way up until you were worthy enough to open your own school and teach not only young boys but to young girls as well.

“You're not wrong. That's why I became an instructor in the first place. To prove those egotistical instructors and masters alike that a woman can be better and stronger than a man.” You adamantly expressed.

Before he could even respond you had suddenly blurted out.

“Fight me.”

His eyes widened and for a moment his left knee gave way in a comical way but he quickly righted himself. He wasn't even certain if he heard you correctly, quite ironic since he has a good sense of hearing. “W-What?!”

“I said: fight me.” You repeated.

Your eyes remained locked onto Piccolo for a response. He remained frozen in place struggling to find the words and was hesitant to accept your request. You could tell from the look in his eyes that he was having an internal debate and you found it funny that he was freaking out about fighting you.

“How about this,” He blinks to focus his attention on you, “We treat this like any other sparring match, with the exception of only using close quarter combat and kicks. No flying, no strange energy beams—you get the idea.”

You were hoping he would at least consider it even if he refused. It wouldn't upset you in the slightest, in fact, you will be looking forward to it when he does decide to accept your proposal. It makes you wonder why he’s even hesitating in the first place.

“Fine.” Piccolo unfolds his arms and begins to take off his cape.

To your surprise the pointed shoulder caps that were attached to his cape landed with a loud crunching thud. Is his clothing…weighted? You couldn’t believe what you were witnessing as he removed his turban revealing a pair of antennae that were hidden underneath.

Just when you were beginning to slowly learn more about him only to be reminded that there are still some details about him and his physiology that you're unfamiliar with. Fueling your ever growing curiosity towards him.

You gestured towards his discarded clothing with a chuckle. “Never would’ve thought those were weighted.”

Piccolo’s lips curled into a smirk. “Don’t tell me you're easily scared by the weights alone.”

Did he just…? He’s teasing you!

“Pff, please! I’m not so easily scared.”  You took a deep breath as you shifted your stance, positioning yourself into an L-stance. With your palms open where you extend your left arm outward matching with your leg and your right hand resting lightly onto your forearm. This was your signature fighting position. “I’ll be letting you know when we should start. I'm looking forward to this.”

“Is that so?” Piccolo followed suit. The smirk being more prominent that you could see the white of his fangs poking out from under his lips. “I won’t disappoint.”

You and Piccolo remained grounded from where you two stood— still as a statue—until you shouted.

“Shijak!”

With unnatural speed, Piccolo bolted to strike you with a flurry of punches, of which you barely avoided if not for your instinctual evasion. He kept on striking with his speed to overwhelm your small frame. You won’t lie, it had taken you by surprise and you should have known better since he’s another race entirely, a Namekian no less. Gradually as you kept up with his pace you were able to predict his movements.

Without warning you evaded his oncoming strike and then simultaneously grabbed a hold of his wrist and struck him in the knee which caused him to lose balance. In one swift motion you twisted his wrist and used your free hand to add pressure to the back of his neck, more particularly where a pressure point was located. Piccolo’s body went slack for a moment before his muscles flexed and was overcome by a wave of pain from both neck and wrist. He was gritting his teeth and his eyes were shut.

You then manipulated his body to move wherever you pleased and so you took him by the edge of the lake and then tossed him in.

By the time he went under you had already moved far away from the lake as you waited for him to resurface. You watched as the surface bubbled—the water rippled and suddenly breaking the surface was Piccolo soaked to the bone that his gi was sticking to his skin. It was comical seeing him dart his head around before eventually turning around to face you. He wasn’t all too thrilled that you had puppeteered him so effortlessly and then had the balls to throw him in the lake. You could tell from the glare he was throwing at your direction that no one had ever thought to throw him in the way that you had, in fact, you were the first.

Your body moved along with the strong gust of wind that was hitting in your direction causing the fallen leaves and wildflowers to fly around with the current that was swirling around you. Your right leg curled elegantly in a semicircle, positioning yourself into a more grounded stance. Using your extended hand that was pointed towards him— “the giving hand” as you’d like to call it— and coaxed him to come over.

Predictably it set him off.

He jumped out of the water and once his feet touched the ground he instantly made a dash. When he was close enough he went for an uppercut initially aiming towards your stomach, however you simply moved out of the way at an angled displacement and struck him hard by the side of his neck with your fingers.

Piccolo cried out in shock, the feeling in his right arm was rapidly weakening as you went to strike him from behind. He was quick to recover however, and whipped around to grab your arm in an almost death grip, which he had to lessen so as to not accidentally break your arm. Piccolo was preparing to yank you towards him until you utilized a quick sleight of hand movement to free yourself from his grasp giving you a chance to distance yourself from him.

He was beginning to grow frustrated at how easily you have been outmaneuvering him with such little effort, barely breaking a sweat. Meanwhile, he was starting to pant and sweat was trickling down his face.

As he went to do a back kick only for you to dash towards him effectively stopping his kick midway through. You grabbed his already weakened arm by the wrist and twisted it in the opposite direction using your other hand to hold down his shoulder and forcefully made him bend over. There you forced him to follow you into a circle and he had no choice but to follow alongside you.

In the midst of it all the moment the two of you locked eyes and time seemed to slow down. You were fixated on him with a smile that reached your eyes. Through Piccolo’s steely gaze you caught it just in time when there was a quick subliminal look in them that you couldn’t quite pinpoint what he was trying to convey to you.

Then time seemed to resume and so did your match with Piccolo. Exchanging blows, blocking, and counter attacking each other’s strikes. Piccolo went to push you away; he had accidentally used too much of his strength and because of this mistake he had sent you hurtling towards a tree. Almost immediately he extends his arm to incredible lengths catching you by the waist and pulling you towards him.

Your head was spinning for a good minute and massaging your temple to ease the wave of nausea that swept over you. Meanwhile Piccolo kept a close eye on you with his arm firmly wrapped around your waist until you had recovered your bearings.

Piccolo carefully lets you go. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m ok.” Your hand was pressed up against his abdomen for support. When you met his gaze you were surprised to see the worry written across his features.

This is the first time you’ve ever seen him show a visible reaction besides the usual stern, if not, indifferent front. Seeing him worry for you was causing your chest to swell with a strange warmth.

His eyes examined you one last time as he then hummed in thought. “You fought admirably back there. It’s not everyday I get to spar with someone that’s different from what I’m used to.”

“Different is good, you know?” You hid your hands behind your back and averted you eyes to the ground where your hair covered just enough to conceal the redness of your cheeks, “It has  helped me in many ways by just sparring with different people, because if you think about it, do you really think your learning by sparring the same person? Or maybe someone similar? Not really.”

As you looked up to him the redness of your cheeks were no longer present and the corners of your lips curled into a smile. “Thank you for accepting my proposal, Piccolo. I’m looking forward to sparring with you more often from now on!”

(2,009 words in total)

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Part I

Part II

Part III

You are currently reading Part IV

Part V

[i-did]

hey! I hope those aftg asks aren’t getting tiring lol but I was wondering if you had any thoughts on the recent fandom treatment of Kevin, which seems to be mainly seeing him as a victim mistreated both in canon by the other foxes & by nora himself? Like I remember in the earlier days of aftg (like maybe around 2016? 2017??) there definitely wasn’t this kind of focus or view of Kevin & I feel like he was treated with somewhat more nuance then? And this could be related to the growing hate for Nora since then but you don’t see people say the same things about the other foxes?? This is a very messy ask lol but I’m genuinely so confused about this trend esp because Kevin seems to be the only fox (as far ive seen anyways) that people are holding up as a victim w/o any nuance

I have a lot of fun answering these, I just sometimes take a minute to get to them lol

Okay so I definitely know what you're talking about with the Kevin thing. The first major factor is that AFTG has finished coming you years ago, and Nora has not actively engaged with the fandom since 2016. I came around into AFTG in 2017 as a reader, and looking at the fanart. Mostly by then you see the race headcanons locked into place and the beginning of the split between fanon and canon. Without more canon, fanon content starts to develop as whoever is more influential the fan creators (fic authors, fan artists) start to do things that trend. As a time passes in a fandom, it tends to split into niches, people who see things a certain way and want to see more of that follow each other and gain followers who agree with them. 

There is definitely a Kevin centric niche that thinks those things. I don’t think there was as much focus in general on Kevin back in 2017, but I also was pretty new. But there were no extreme Anti-Andrew fans, back then it was “you are either a fan of Nicky or a fan of Aaron.” People didnt have “dni choking apologists” on their blogs. 

I think choking discourse is a good example of the rise of Kevin. Andrew must fall for Kevin to rise. There are kandreil fans that genuinely like all three, and some ace/aro Kevin fans that like him just as he is, but a lot of Kevin centric content I see now on tumblr is about how Andrew is the real villain of AFTG for choking Kevin, despite Kevin violently choking Neil in book 1. 

Back in 2018 they weren't pitted against the other and I think the whole “you can only like one character or the other” thing is stupid imo. I like Nicky more than Aaron, but I still think they're both interesting characters. Ive seen a lot of “Kevin was only a victim” takes, and in fact got cyber bullied for a while by some people who thought I was too mean to Kevin in some of my HC by implying he also had some power in the nest and likely hurt others, and that he feels guilt over it. :/ but there is also a similar niche with “you can't blame Aaron for his homophobia, his mom was abusive, and she likely made him that way.”

It's the most similar discourse trend I've seen to the Kevin discourse. It’s a similar lack of nuance, and I think people inflict it their favorite character because they don't want to have a ‘problematic fav.’ Aaron is canonly homophobic, Neil says directly after him and Andrew ‘come out’ to the others, that he was waiting to see the same grief Aaron gave Nicky over his sexuality. It doesn't mean he can't be also a good character or a person someone likes, in fact well written characters have dimensions and flaws. 

Which that whole mess is similar to the whole Kevin thing. I think people fall in love with the idea of Nora’s characters, or maybe the fanon characters–but not the real characters. Which is also why they say the author hates them, because they got written to do bad things or not be in the story as much, they defend these characters as if they were real people who need defending, need to be saved from being erased. These characters become “their character.”

I think this also happens because people kin characters and identify with them a lot, so when I said “Kevin was in a position in power in the nest too, even in second place” and then receive threats for how I personally hurt someone who's a CSA survivor because of my Kevin HC I'm like (o – o). I think these people project so hard onto Kevin and design him in their mind, they feel as if character flaw HCs or depictions of Kevin struggling and being mean are personal insults, or at least very personally insulting. And I don't want to sound like an ass, but like my Kevin isn't the same as their Kevin, my Kevin is my Kevin. 

I see skinny art of Andrew and art of Neil as white or ginger, these don’t align with my personal HC’s about them, but like that's what I chose to go with. Nora uses language that makes me believe Neil has dark auburn hair, but if people want him to be ginger idc. In canon he was written with the intent to be white, I ignore that because I think him being mixed adds more depth to his character (as well as me being tired of only white mlm, and have updated my reading list). Andrew wasn’t imagined by Nora to be fat either, but I HC him as like a mini muscle bear instead of Toby Hemingway. 

I keep the canon intent in mind to remind myself how she actually saw them and how that can color canon and how other people are allowed to see Neil as white and Andrew as skinny. Like I understand why people get annoyed over other peoples hc’s, I feel similarly sometimes. But like at the end of the day, you just gotta move out of that fandom niche and into a new one or just ignore the post.

[aegialia]

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

[writing-gifts]

datura (moth!bruno x butterfly!reader)

—–

A/N: this fics 30k+ words now and im happy that ive stayed with it this long, but yea thats it lol

First Chapter || Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

Reader is gender neutral!

-----

[Late Fall]

You didn't think you'd be meeting Abbacchio so soon--perhaps sometime after Winter. But one day you're taking shelter from the cold when Bruno comes to visit.

These days you never really know for sure when he'll show but this was definitely earlier than usual. Nevertheless, you're glad to have someone to cure your boredom...until you see there's someone else very familiar with him.

You hide partially behind your door trying to slow your racing heart. Was this excitement or fear? Maybe both?

“Er, you’re Abbacchio right?”

When the wasp nods but doesn’t further speak you look at Bruno, but he simply gives you an encouraging smile. You wanted to scold the moth for the nonexistent forewarning, but at the same time with a surprise visit you didn't have time to fret before the actual meeting.

You’ll have to go along with this either way so you put on a polite smile. “You guys want to come in?”

“No, I'd rather stay out here,” Abbacchio replies.

Your brows furrow and your smile becomes more forced. “Uh…”

But it's cold! What the hell, do you two not get cold or something!?

It takes you a moment but then you realize that the wasp was being sarcastic. Probably. But you’re not sure if it’s because he’s trying to be funny or if he doesn’t like you. Or maybe he was messing with you?

Bruno throws him a bemused look. "It would be more comfortable inside don't you think?”

The wasp stares at you in a way that makes you feel like you're being sized up but eventually relents. “Alright.”

You move so Abbacchio can walk in, but Bruno stops next to you.

"Don't be intimidated. He can be like that toward new people and he’s a little grumpy that he had to walk all the way over here," he whispers.

You look over at the wasp already sitting on the daybed remembering his lack of flight and nod. But you weren’t sure if you wanted to deal with a bitchy bug right now.

Bruno goes to sit, but you scuttle to your room with some quickly mumbled excuse so you can collect your thoughts.

What were you supposed to do? Entertain them both? You were far removed from having to actively entertain Bruno when he came over so you felt out of your element.

This meeting should have happened in Spring instead.

You must have been in your room for too long because Bruno shows up.

When he sees you sitting on your bed he raises a brow. “What are you doing?”

“Nothing really. I’m just unsure what to do so I'm hiding. Are we like hanging out?”

Bruno shakes his head. "I don't understand. You don't need to do anything."

"But I feel like I have to since Abbacchio is here though. And he really doesn't look like he wants to be here."

"Well, we aren't going to stay too long if that makes things better. He just wanted to see you. Of course he's too prideful to admit that though."

"Well…He could just be more polite though," you grumble.

"Then he wouldn't be Abbacchio…" Bruno sighs. "Don't worry I talked to him so it'll all work out."

You purse your lips. "...Hey next time just give me a heads up if you're bringing someone over, okay?"

If your unexpected guest was just a little amiable then you wouldn't have cared but that wasn't the case.

Bruno looks a bit surprised that you seem genuinely annoyed, but he gives you the affirmation you want. So even though you're still reluctant, you move off the bed.

“Okay we can go back.”

You walk ahead of Bruno and when you get to the main room you try to talk to the wasp again.

“Uh...Do you want anything to drink?”

"No thanks."

"...Okay."

Instead of sitting down you stand there. Bruno wouldn't lie to you but the wasp's behavior said otherwise. Your friend gently grabs your arm and leads you to the daybed to sit.

"Do you want me to get you something to drink ____?"

"...Sure? It can be whatever."

You realize too late that if he's getting drinks, he’s going to leave you alone with Abbacchio. You squint at Bruno as he exits the room. It shouldn't take long but you're sure Bruno's going to take as long as he sees fit.

So while he’s gone, you sit there quietly sneaking peeks at the wasp trying to figure out how to move things along. He sits, leg spread, looking at nothing in particular.

You had seen the occasional albino insect but this was the first wasp. Which isn’t surprising since you kept clear of any. Until now.

“What?”

You flinch from the sudden break in silence. “W-What?”

“You keep looking at me.”

You try to smile but it definitely comes off more as a grimace from the weird look you get in return.

Sighing, you frown. “I’m sorry. I’m going to be straight forward and say that I feel super awkward right now, and I don’t know what to say or do.”

The wasp crosses his arms. “...You don’t need to say anything. I actually prefer the silence.”

"Oh."

You continue to sit in silence that's slightly less awkward, but again the wasp breaks it.

“How’s your leg?”

Your eyes widen a bit from him trying to start a conversation. “Oh, it’s okay.”

You stretch out your leg, bending it a few times. There was no more pain but a bunch of scars were left behind around your thigh and calf.

“That's good.”

Since he was here you could show your gratitude in person. You hesitate for a moment but remember what Bruno had told you at the forest clearing. And you didn't want to let this possible conversation die.

“Hey, thank you for helping me that day. You really saved my life. And the fact you managed to open that lizard's mouth was pretty amazing!"

You see the stern expression on the wasps face slightly fall, and he gives you a nod. “It wasn't anything--I mean….You're welcome.”

You give your first genuine smile today and Abbacchio looks away looking a bit flushed.

A moment later and the moth finally returns.

"I’m back with your drink ____."

You turn towards Bruno as he walks towards the daybed.

“What the hell were exactly doing in there Bucciarati?” Abbacchio looks over, sounding unimpressed with Bruno's little plan.

"You're not slick Bruno," you add.

He raises a hand in surrender. “Okay you got me. But it worked didn't it?”

You look at Abbacchio.

“...I guess it’s a start,” Abbacchio says.

"I saw you blushing from the kitchen," Bruno says.

“I--Leave me alone.”

You hold back your laugh lest you want to be scowled at by the wasp next.

Bruno hands over your drink and you thank him and relax back into the daybed. Maybe it's okay if they decide to stay longer.

----

For the first time this season, you can't fly. Even after trying to warm yourself up with all your blankets, you'd only be able to stay off the ground for a short time before your wings would give up. And unless you were planning on climbing up the stems of the flowers near your home there was no way you were getting any nectar.

So over the next couple days, whenever you couldn’t fly, you were content with spending most of your time sewing, knitting or sleeping. Even the days where you could fly you'd find yourself spending most of the day inside anyways.

But after a while you start to feel confined in your home, and you suppose you need to do something different. So you finally gather the courage to venture a good distance from your home by yourself.

You decide to use this opportunity to visit a neighbor--a self-proclaimed “vegetarian” spider--so you can get started on Bruno's 2nd gift.

Before you were hesitant to go, even with the gift on the line, but after everything that's happened with Abbacchio you were more at ease with the idea.

Once you actually see the spider's small home, you notice there's no webs for you to get stuck in.

With the spider's help, you hope to learn how to create sheer cloth or lace as he called it. In return, you're willing to part with the rest of the honey you had sitting around.

There was the option to trade for already made lace but you were hellbent on making this gift all on your own. When you tell the spider, Ilyas, this he seems even more excited to share his passion.

“Rarely anyone likes to visit me!”

You smile feeling a bit sad for him. Now that you actually had met him properly you can tell the "rumors" about him being completely harmless were true. He only seemed to use his webs to make lace. How it wasn't sticky was a mystery to you though.

After trying for the first time, Ilyas tells you that you're a natural but that feels like an over-exaggeration. You decide to visit more often though because of his enthusiasm.

He encourages you to practice with small squares first before doing any complicated shapes, and to also experiment with different lace patterns.

When you try to practice on your own, you struggle with making the lace without the spider's help, and the strange tool they had to speed up the process. All you had was your needles, threads, and your inexperienced hands.

There were many times where you would miss a stitch and not notice until you had finished the square. It was frustrating but you would keep at it, trying to finish at least one square a day.

You stare at your most recent square. You didn’t miss a stitch this time so that was good, but you didn't really like the pattern the threads were forming.

You rest your head in your hand, absentmindedly tracing your scars as you study the intricate web-like lace.

The sleep schedule you had somewhat managed to fix at Abilene’s house had slowly drifted back to the way it was before. Along with the days becoming shorter, you felt like you spent a good chunk of the night wide awake. So even though it was pretty late, you weren’t tired at all.

You guess you could start another square with a new pattern but even with your lantern, making lace in the night was a strain on your eyes.

You pull the covers sitting around you on the ground over your shoulders and rest your head on the table.

I wonder if Bruno will show….

While you stare at the lace, you somehow manage to fall asleep. You're not sure how long, but you're woken up by a knock at the door.

Knowing it's Bruno, you quickly get up to answer.

He greets you with a smile. “Did you just wake up?”

“Yea, I didn’t even feel like going to bed at all so I don’t know how that happened."

“Too bad I woke you up then.” He pulls out 3 canisters. “I brought you nectar though.”

“I don't have any to trade though? I stayed in today."

"Don't you think we are past that point in our relationship? I’m just giving it to you as a friend."

"I guess you're right. I’m so used to trading...” you trail off and take the canisters.

"Are you okay?"

"Huh?"

"You just seem down."

You open one of the canisters to see what's inside and avoid Bruno's analyzing gaze.

"Honestly, I guess I do feel strange? I want to go back to sleep but I don’t really want to at the same time. Maybe I slept weird…"

"I know you probably don't want to hear this right now but maybe you should go out. It might make you feel better."

You shrug. Other than walking to Ilyas's and sometimes getting nectar close by, you spend most of your day inside. Maybe your body wasn’t used to being inside this much. Even during Winter you'd try to go out when you really shouldn't.

“Maybe you're right.”

"Do you want to go to the lake, obviously not near it of course."

Bruno seemed to be trying to tread carefully with you. It was appreciated but at the same time you want him to treat you like usual.

You huff out a laugh. “I know that, but sure let's go.”

You were already dressed in a sweater but invite Bruno in so you can go find a scarf.

While wrapping one around your neck you remember the moth's sweater and see no better time to give it to him.

You grab it off the chair you left it on and walk into the main room.

"Bruno, I finished your sweater!"

You hold the off white sweater out to the moth and he gently takes it from you.

"You finished it that fast?"

You nod.

The moth unfolds it and holds it out. You made it so it would be on the baggier side so he wouldn't feel constricted.

You watch as he turns it around and pulls it over his head. Once he puts his arms through the sleeves he pats down his hair.

You watch as he fiddles with the buttons on one of his sleeves until it comes off allowing his forearm to be free.

"Feels comfortable?"

He nods as he rebuttons the sleeve. "Yes, thank you! I don't even want to take off the sleeves either."

You grin, pleased that he likes it that much. "That's great! Honestly this looks quite good on you..."

"You think so?" The moth strikes a subtle pose.

"O-Obviously! Honestly I think you'd be able to pull anything off."

This gives you even more motivation to make that lacy top for him.

"Okay, let's go before I say anything else embarrassing," you say.

You both head outside, but you find yourself struggling to get off the ground. Apparently the temperature had dropped slightly too low.

"Do you need help?"

"No, no I got it."

You flap your wings a couple times hoping for the blood to finish circulating and with a little more struggling you're off the ground.

“Oh this sucks!”

You couldn’t help being jealous that Bruno could still fly so easily.

"You really don't need to push yourself."

“It's fine. I just needed to stretch out my wings. You do the vibrating thing to warm up and fly right?"

"Yeah."

"So lucky,” you say with a sigh.

"Have you ever tried doing it yourself? It'll get you in the air quicker."

"Hmmm…"

You momentarily stop flying. Clenching your fists, you tense your whole body and try to vibrate, but it’s literally impossible for you to reach the speed Bruno is capable of.

You notice Bruno is covering his mouth as he watches your sorry attempt.

"Are you laughing at me?"

"I’m sorry, the look on your face was cute."

You open your mouth but actual words struggle to come out.

"You--! Don't….Let’s just go already."

While the two of you make the flight to the lake, the moth insists on holding your hand 'just in case your wings give out'. Even though flying so close to someone can be a pain, his hand kept yours quite warm so you don't complain.

The lake feels so much different when you arrive. Without all the insects around, singing, dancing and playing, it felt somewhat lifeless. Even the lilies from before were shut.

“It’s so quiet…”

“Yea but it can be nice like this too. Sometimes I prefer it.

You both sit at the same place you did last time. Even though the rock's surface is cold, you already feel better. You had been nervous stepping out to places that weren’t busy, but with Bruno that nervousness was almost nonexistent.

You wish you had taken the time to come out more often like this with the moth, because once Winter came you wouldn’t be able to see him. You look over at Bruno. He seems lost in his own thoughts.

“Are you ready for Winter?”

He glances at you. “I suppose so…I won’t be able to visit you anymore though. It’s going to feel quieter.”

You hum in agreement. "Why does Winter have to exist? It's like Fall's terrible older sibling."

That gets a chuckle out of the moth. "That's the first time I've heard some describe the season like that."

"Well it is…"

"I guess you could say that."

Silence settles between the both of you but you move slightly in your spot from the restlessness you were beginning to feel. An idea had come into your mind and you were nervous to try it.

Holding your breath, you lean against the moth, but keep your eyes focused on the lake too afraid to make eye contact. If your time with him was going to be limited then maybe you should send even more hints.

A tense moment passes before you feel him shift against you. Your heart jumps when you feel a hand brush against your hip.

"Is this okay?" Bruno’s voice is low and it makes the action feel more intimate.

Don’t panic. This is a good thing!

“Y-Yes.”

You take a moment to calm down and continue speaking. “Is the sweater still comfortable?”

"Definitely. I think you’ll be happy to hear that I don't want to take it off.”

There was a weird sense of pride within you from getting the moth to willingly wear clothes.

"Then my work here is done. Well I'm going to make you more stuff though.”

You cross your arms and snuggle more into Bruno’s side when a particularly cool wind blows through. The moth's hold on you becomes more secure as he brings another arm to your side.

“Too cold?”

“Definitely underestimated it.”

As much as you wanted to stay in this position, you didn't want to stay out here any longer.

“Let’s go back,” you say.

Bruno gives your side a gentle squeeze before removing his arms. He helps you to your feet, but he doesn’t let go of your hand.

With that you're ready to go. But when you try to take flight, you can’t, no matter how hard you try.

You look at Bruno unsure what to do.

"I can carry you, if that’s okay with you?”

You didn't exactly have another choice so you agree.

He places his arms on your back before he bends down to lift you behind your legs.

You immediately wrap your arms loosely around his neck as soon as he’s off the ground. This was the first time you had been in a situation like this before so you're kind of nervous.

The air passing by as he flys gives you chills. When you shove your face into the fur on his neck to protect your face, you feel him pull you just a little closer.

"You okay?"

"Cold!" The word comes out muffled. Your tolerance to the cold was almost nonexistent.

"Don't worry, it shouldn't be much longer."

You pull your face away just an inch to peak up at the moth “I'm not making you uncomfortable am I?”

"Of course not. We should actually do this more often."

“Flying together?” you ask confused.

"No. Me holding you."

That has you sputtering and you shove your face back in his fur.

Was that...flirting?

It couldn't be anything else but you still try to convince yourself otherwise.

You try to think of other things but just end up thinking about Winter again. Soon you wouldn't be able to spend time with him like this so casually. You wouldn't get to see him for a whole season!

You frown and your arms tighten around his neck.

When you reach back home you feel reluctant to let go of Bruno. Partially because he's so warm.

"____? We’re back.”

The moth lowers your feet to the ground so you can stand but you still hold on.

"____?"

You finally pull away and look at him.

"It’s--Don't you think It’s gonna suck not being able to see each other everyday?” Your voice wobbles. “I don’t want to wait that long...”

Your only option during Winter was to walk but you’d be dead before you even reached Bruno’s home.

It wasn't forever but if you ever messed Abilene she was a short walk away. Maybe you just weren't used to this.

“What if you forget about me?”

“You’re exaggerating. I wouldn't forget you that easily and Winter will pass before you know it.”

"You say that but you’re frowning! What...What if I stayed with you?"

Any shame you had in your body was dwindling away the longer you stayed up apparently.

"I mean...Isn't it weird that you’ve visited me so many times and I’ve never been over to your home once?"

Bruno seems surprised by your sudden suggestion but not displeased.

"I'm not against this but are you sure you’ll be comfortable staying there all Winter? You won’t be able to come back for some time."

You haven't been away from your home for that long ever, but you can’t think of any heavy cons to being away other than not getting to see Abilene.

You sigh, Winter really was cruel.

“...I’m actually already looking forward to it. The next time the temperature increases I'd better fly over there! Or you could just carry me if that doesn't happen soon enough.”

Bruno is unconvinced though. "You don't look completely sure."

"Because I don't want to be seperated from Abby for that long either..."

You look at the moth hoping for him to solve your predicament for you. "What should I do?"

"I have no problem taking you with me, even if it might upset Abilene, so I don't feel right making this decision for you."

You groan. It was definitely a commendable answer but it still left you with a tough decision. But after some pacing you come to a conclusion.

If you're struggling this hard to just stay at home then it would be best to go….Right? And Bruno wants you there too...

You nod to yourself. "I'm going. I don't want to regret staying here. Even if I have to say goodbye to Abby for some time."

"Okay. I know it's selfish of me but I was actually hoping you would still want to come."

At least someone here wasn't conflicted.

You immediately start mentally making a list of the stuff you need to take over. The biggest hill would be your necta.

“Um Bruno…”

After you explain the situation and show him how many jars you have stored up Bruno looks a bit perplexed, but you both accept that you'll have to just start moving things now. So that night Bruno takes bags of your jars home with him.

The next time you’re able to fly, you make sure to head over to Abilene's to tell them where you plan to spend the Winter.

You expect them to be disappointed, and they are, but they mostly end up teasing you.

"What if you guys are dating by the end of Winter?" they ask with a smirk.

You shake your head at the ridiculous statement, but was it really that improbable? A hopeful part of you said no. Bruno obviously didn’t mind being close to you so maybe...

Abilene touches your arm taking you out of your thoughts. “But seriously, I’m happy for you.”

“But will you be okay by yourself?"

They put their hands on their hips. "It will definitely be more quiet but I'll be okay."

You purse your lips but nod. You wish that the distance between here and Bruno’s home wasn’t so far.

"Do you have your stuff already packed?"

"Actually I kind of need your help, if that’s okay. I need to move a good chunk of my nectar over to his home and it’s a lot."

Abilene shrugs. “Yea, sure.”

"I’ll definitely make it up to you!"

"You don't need to make it up, I want you to get to spend time with your little boyfriend."

You almost deny it but know that you’d be reacting just how they want. “Whatever, let’s just go and start moving everything!"

You, Abilene, and Bruno spend the next several days making multiple trips between you and the moth’s homes. With the help of Abilene, the work doesn’t take as long and helps make up for the days you can't fly.

However with Winter getting closer and closer you decide to leave some of your stash behind. You would just have to be extra careful with how much you drink. Bruno reassures you that he has extra nectar just in case though.

You also make sure to bring all your sewing, knitting and lace equipment, AND all your blankets and pillows!

By the time you finish your last day of moving, it's already night and you and Abilene had said goodbye way before the sun set. You were already planning on making them an extra sweater for all their help. Or maybe a hat?

When you finally get to properly take in Brunos home you already feel at home. It was embedded in a tree stump. And the surrounding area had way more trees than your own home. You could tell sunlight struggled to get through even on the hottest of days.

The thing that amazes you the most is that the inside of his home is lit with multiple lanterns.

Bruno drops the last of your blankets on his bed. "Since you’re diurnal we can just switch out sleeping here--well until it gets too cold."

“Where are you going to stay then?” You had already been reluctant to take up his bedroom but he insisted. Not sleeping in a proper place would start to affect you negatively so it was probably for the best.

"There’s space in Narancia’s room."

You nod before yawning, today was a long day and you wanted to put everything away quickly so you could get into bed.

“You're still up?”

At first you think that Bruno’s talking to you but then you see he’s looking behind you. You turn and see a very young insect walk into the room from behind the wall at the entrance.

Your eyes widen slightly. You had expected to see a squishy baby caterpillar when you first met Narancia but what you see instead is a bumblebee already growing out of grub stage. He was a long way from growing out his wings though.

He wasn’t the same as Bruno?

Still you see the messy, random tufts of yellow and black fur on his small body and can't deny how adorable he is.

“I was but ____,” he says.

The youngling then runs towards you and stops in front of you shifting from foot to foot. You smile down at the energetic little bee.

“Hello, Narancia!” His energy was almost infectious.

“Hi! Papa talks 'bout you. A lot!” His small hands raise out and above him.

You grin at the slightly embarrassed look on the moth's face. He was doing his best to hide it though.

So this whole time I wasn’t the only one.

"Narancia--"

“What type of stuff does he say?”

Bruno deadpans at your interruption.

The bee tries to explain but part of it comes off unintelligible. You nod along though to the stuff you can understand like 'nice' and 'flowers'. You think you catch something about your wings too.

“Narancia, it’s bedtime,” Bruno says after his son seems to run out of words.

“Why? I’m not sleepy."

“I know, but we need to fix your sleep schedule.”

Looks like you weren’t the only one struggling to sleep at the “proper” times either.

The bee huffs. "I wanna stay here..."

Bruno holds out a hand to him, which Narancia pouts at but grabs.

“I’m going to go put Narancia back to bed and I’ll come back to help.”

“Goodnigh’,” Narancia says to you.

“Night. We can play later, okay?”

The bee nods obviously still not wanting to leave.

Once he and Narancia leave you use this chance to properly look around his room. Other than the bed and the small table next to it, there's a small dresser (where he probably kept some of the clothes he never wore) a floor length mirror, and a shelf.

This room was also lacking in lanterns compared to the others. You take notice of one of the lanterns sitting on the shelf in between some books and get the feeling the moth put them in here for you.

Other than that, the room was quite neat and the furniture looked elegant and costly. It was definitely a bedroom that said ‘Bruno Bucciarati’.

You decide that's enough investigating and go back to organizing, and soon after Bruno returns to help.

The both of you work, talking about small unimportant things but you finally ask what has been at the back of your mind since you saw Narancia.

“Um...why is Narancia living with you?”

A bee usually lives within a community of other bees of their type their whole lives--kind of like ants or wasps--so you were curious, but almost not surprised since Bruno seemed to have a penchant for gathering deviant insects.

“...I found him alone in a dead hive and I took him in.”

Bruno seemed reluctant to go into it and honestly you didn’t think it was your place to intrude, so you accept that answer with an “Oh”.

Bruno stops stacking jars in his closet to look at you. "I should have told you he was a bee sooner, yea?"

"Hmm, not really. Does it really matter?"

"...I guess you're right,” Bruno says but he doesn’t sound too sure.

Maybe some insects told him it was weird.

“Well it’s great that you found and took in Narancia. Nature isn’t exactly patient with larvae.”

The moth nods. “That’s true. The only problem is our different sleep schedules and the feeding. Well it was until you told me about how honey can be watered down."

“So you gave the honey I gave you to Narancia?”

“Well I might have eaten some too.” He smiles a bit. “But I got more ‘straight from the source’ so it’s fine. And Narancia doesn't go through the supply as quickly anymore now that it's better quality.”

You feel pleased that you had managed to help the moth, even if it was unintentional.

By the time you, Bruno, and Narancia--who wouldn’t stay in bed--finish finding spots to put all your jars, it’s well into the night.

You lay in Bruno’s bed under numerous covers and among all your pillows. It smelt faintly of flowers, ones you would usually smell on the moth. It’s almost like you're shoving your face into his fluffy fur.

For once you’re ready to go to sleep the moment you’re in bed. You shut all the other lanterns in the room but kept yours open. At this point, sleeping with it was necessary for you.

As you feel yourself drifting off, a knock on the door pulls you back.

“Come in…” you say through a yawn.

Bruno slowly opens the door and walks in.

“Did I wake you up?”

“Not this time but you tend to show up when I am.”

“Sorry, I’m not doing it on purpose I swear.” Bruno comes over to sit on the edge of the bed.

You smile at him feeling even more relaxed under your covers.

“It’s okay, seeing you is better than sleeping, “ you say through a yawn. “Thanks again for letting me say. I’m really happy I'll get to see you everyday.”

"Me too. I know I tried to act like the Winter would go by quickly but...I was actually dreading it.”

You feel relief and almost happy that Bruno felt the same way.

"Why'd you come?" you ask.

"I...I just wanted to see you."

The both of you stare at each other in the dim light for a moment, you mostly confused. Then for some reason Bruno leans over closer to you, but you don’t move away.

"Can I kiss you?"

Maybe you're too tired to overthink but you feel surprisingly calm. You don't trust your voice though so you nod instead.

When he closes the space and his lips press against yours you’re unsure if you’re dreaming or not.

You feel his tongue brush against your bottom lip and you think he'll deepen it, but his hand caresses your cheek and he pulls back.

You stare into his faintly glowing eyes as you struggle to speak. "Was...was that a goodnight kiss?"

Bruno’s finger traces your bottom lip. “Do you want it to be?”

"I um--Maybe it can be more?"

His stare feels so intense and you struggle to keep eye contact but you don't want to look away either.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), the moth presses a soft kiss to your cheek before standing up.

“Goodnight ____."

“N-Night Bruno.”

Even though your body feels warmer, you pull the covers close. The fatigue you had was practically whooshed away. So you stare wide-eyed at the lantern--the only thing keeping you company.

-----

A/N: I made art for narancia! anyways im gonna make the next 3 chapters as fluffy/domestic as i possibly can (the next updates might be a little slow tho, kind of stressed with real life stuff so please bear with me)

[borom1r]

jshdnsns adz asks! I actually do have some this time!! do he and sen pick up certain hobbies that they specifically do together, maybe just to spend time together + something they both genuinely enjoy? and specifically adz-centric: I know you've discussed it a bit b4, but what are some coping mechanisms he picks up once he's able to sort of process his trauma and address it? maybe ones he learns from sen, maybe not - maybe even ones He teaches sen? I'm sorry if I asked these specific questions b4 but I am So curious!! (and maybe also some things he + sen do specifically to unwind!!)

aaa thanks dude!!! hmmm.. shared hobbies...

i don't think they have a lot that they specifically picked up together? but the biggest thing is that they make an effort to support each other in their hobbies. ik ive talked abt it before but Adz will spend time with Sen while he's working out— sometimes just hanging out, sometimes Being A Nuisance (like laying on Sen's back while he does pushups; it's always welcome), but Adz still shows an active interest. he'll ask why Sen does certain exercises and just in general is happy to listen to Sen talk abt smthn he's passionate about. and I bring this up again especially bc Sen just. doesn't have a lot of hobbies beyond uh. Something Very Important To Being A Soldier.

this is an idea i draw specifically frm my meta for Eric, since he n Strahm are my inspirations for Sen.. haha..... they both had core traits forcibly repressed by controlling forces ANYWAYZ Sen hadn't really had a reason to pursue any sort of individuality even after being freed from Primogenitor control, routine was comforting and he had no one in his life to give a shit about him or encourage him to really break out of the mold he'd been forced into. Adz is the first one who expresses any interest in what he's passionate about + though he's older n has been free for longer Sen is still struggling with the idea that he can like. Have interests that aren't inherently valuable to being a soldier

but yea they are just.. very conscious about expressing interest in each other? like i said w/ Adz wanting to learn about Sen's (admittedly limited, but growing!) passions— Sen genuinely loves to hear Adz explain the technical aspects of photography, and loves to watch him cook (he will occasionally help Adz cook but it's usually prep work, he doesn't Get the purpose of cooking food even if it tastes better sjkdfhjk). the one thing they really do Together (other than go for walks!) is read, once Adz opens up to Sen that he likes it. it's another thing Sen doesn't really get, but he's fallen asleep more than a few times while Adz lays on his chest n reads to him (telepathically, ofc)

+ ohhh Adz processing his trauma/coping mechanisms he's picked up

that’s a good one, most of what I’ve addressed is pretty early in the process; his need to rearrange things until they are as Safe as possible, his nerves whenever Sen gets hurt (and the system he and Sen developed to help). Adz is processing a Lot and he was always meant to at least appear empathetic, which he very much is, so it affects him a lot more outwardly than it does Sen (who is also affected more by different aspects, like the idea he is inherently worthless + expendable)

I’ve also touched on how tactile Adz is + I think that becomes a very big grounding tool for him. He’ll wrap up in a blanket from their bed (so it smells like both of them) and try to catalogue as many sensations as he can wherever he winds up settling. Sen will usually join him when he notices, bc he knows it helps Adz to have some company + to verbalize things to (asking for a list of everything Adz feels and Adz will run through them, and that’s usually enough to get him to relax n slump over against Sen, if not fully ground him. It takes more time if Adz is alone). Sen won’t ever admit it but there was one time Adz wound up in his lap and started sleepily listing off things he felt— hearing Adz’ perspective, even if he’s half asleep and still a little floaty, makes Sen 🥺 (he’s so used to being a Thing, disposable + without traits that he really doesn’t think of himself beyond basic parts. but Adz is laying there describing his fur, how warm he is, the cool metal of his thighs, how his claws feel brushing through Adz’ fur and it.. it gets to him)

ultimately tho sometimes he just. NEEDS to power off around someone he trusts. Protogen don’t need to sleep, but Adz was essentially built to perceive people Too Well, to assess injuries they may be hiding or may not even be aware of, and he can’t just shut it off. when it gets really bad, he’ll go into sleep mode for a while because sometimes it really is just too much to handle (especially after a bout of JRS). it helps that Sen is always right there when he wakes up— he used to be anxious about powering off for a break but he’s been getting better abt expressing his concerns and letting Sen help him work thru them + reassure him that, while they’re not unfounded, they’re also not entirely realistic. neither of them is deployed anymore and nobody will hurt them in their home, and Sen will always be right there when Adz’ systems are ready to reboot

n it’s not really a coping mechanism but I think the biggest thing Sen picks up from Adz is like, the ability to be compassionate to himself? a few years ago he never would’ve even bandaged a cut, just rinsed it off and let nature do what it was gonna do basically. If he’d burned himself doing something, he would’ve just worked through the pain— because he didn’t see any reason to show himself compassion. and maybe now he only does it for Adz’ sake (at least that’s what he tells himself early on), but Sen will stop and bandage those cuts, treat the burns, pause and let himself breathe and just have a moment. Because Adz would be worried about him. because he thinks Sen deserves to be treated with kindness, and maybe Sen doesn’t entirely believe that yet but he’s getting there. He is.

as for things they do to unwind, it varies depending on what they’re both ok with skdhdh— they both kind of struggle with being around Other People so sometimes unwinding is going out to Do smthn, usually a walk + then stopping for a little treat on the way back. Usually though, it’s just spending time at home doing quiet things. Watching dramas on TV together, or singing together. Adz isn’t as good as Sen but they have similar tastes and both love to just put on some music, curl up on the couch n quietly sing along. Adz’ lil beeps n Sen’s actual voice make a really sweet combo 💙

[all-things-mlqc]

Boys reaction to MC who never have date before meeting them. Like, the boys as MC's first love.

My first HC on here and I was memeing half the time while writing it. Included what the boys would do after hearing this news as well because why not. I’m not a Lucien fan but lord have mercy on my soul, I couldn’t help making his romantic af. He is the ideal boyfriend/date minus the l i e s that come in the MS and I hate it. All the crossed out stuff is just commentary because I couldn’t help myself. Hope you enjoy~ Thank you for your ask <3

How the MLQC boys react to being MC’s first love below the cut~

Victor:

Follows with some snarky comment after he calls her “Dummy”.

Let’s be real here, if he doesn’t call her dummy immediately, then something is wrong. Reminds me of when we streamed the first episode of MLQC and we were all yelling “CALL US BAKA” the second Victor came on screen.

While he seems cool and collected on the outside, you can hear the computer shutdown sound play on the inside.

To him, this is a shocking confession.

Victor: I’m not surprised a dummy like you hasn’t been in a serious relationship before.

Victor, internally: How has she never been in a serious relationship before??

He’s not very good at expressing himself honestly through his words but he truly admires MCs hardworking nature.

He finds that very attractive in a woman and is surprised that other men in the line of business haven’t taken their shot with her yet. it’s because they can feel your death stare on the back of their heads, kind sir

One thing he struggles with is being himself. He tries to act like everything is in his control all the time.

Because of this, upon hearing MCs confession, he invites her to a fancy dinner at his penthouse insert Victor’s Dazzling Date because THATS ALL THAT MATTERS. Jkjk haha... unless...

He wants to impress her as much as possible even though he knows deep down that she doesn’t care about what a person has and rather how they are as a person

BUT ALAS. The stress be real for her first boyfriend.

He wants her to know she made a good decision without verbally telling her out of his own bitch mouth I love you, please call me baka so he goes over the top with their first date.

Basically pulls a Mr. Krabs when taking Mrs. Puff on a date. Just add shades to Mr. Krabs to represent Victor’s “I’m calm. I’m chill. I’m all good. We vibin out here.”

All MC wants from him is his honest and genuine thoughts. and a lifetime stock of pudding because good god a girl has chocolate needs

MC eventually figures out Victor’s intentions with all the gifts he rains on her because hE dOesNt nEeD tHeM he can’t give her anything more than a cup of pudding up front

MC knows this and accepts the secret gifts with a smile.

She sends a gift in return to his office the following day along with a thank you for the wonderful date.

Can you hear that? It’s the sound of Victor’s heart rate slowing to the average persons.

Kiro:

insert pikachu meme

This boy is mind blown.

“How have you never been in a relationship before??? That can’t be true!”

Kiro sees the good in everyone, so hearing that MC has never been in a relationship before him is

He gives her a bright smile and playfully hugs her from behind.

The two of them laugh together as he whispers genuinely in her ear,

“I promise to make you happy. You won’t regret it.”

He immediately drags her off to Loveland’s Amusement Park, where they spend the whole day together.

Rides, snacks, games, you name it, they did it all.

Kiro naturally spoils MC without putting much thought to it.

It’s like a reflex for him. It’s just who he is as a person. Always wants to share the happiness in the world with the people he cares about.

As for how anxious he is after hearing the news about being MC’s first love, he is screaming at a pitch only dogs can hear.

Almost 100% of the time he has a smile on his face and even convinces himself that he’s not worried about it.

But he is.

It only hits him when he thinks about another man taking MC away from him after seeing her talking with another guy.

MC will catch him without his carefree smile at times and eventually confronts him about it.

He shows her a wide smile and says there’s nothing to worry about.

L I E S. BABIE LEMME HOLD YOU I PROMISE YOU DONT NEED TO WORRY.

After a few attempts of trying to get Kiro to open up about it, he gives in and says he’s worried he’s not good enough for her HAHAHHA, GOOD ONE KIRO

MC, however, turns it around on him

MC: I’m afraid IM the one who isn’t good enough for you.

They both smile and embrace each other, knowing they’ll get through any little concerns like this.

Gavin:

He knows.

We’re talking about the boy who has been in love with MC since high school; Who has protected her behind the scenes ever since he laid eyes on her.

He would know if she had been in a previous or current relationship.

It only comes as a shock when she says she’s never been interested in anyone else romantically before. Lies. Have you seen the other suitors, MC. In a world where guys are that hot, you must’ve had at least 1 crush, c’mon sis.

Gavin respected her personal boundaries and never looked into her personal affairs so he had very little knowledge of her views on other guys.

He gets a little bit nervous, since he believes her standards must be high if she hasn’t been interested in anyone else before.

Does the full on soldier oath, bend the knee cliche which includes “I promise to always protect you” and “Nobody will ever be good enough for you”

Mc: Gavin no...

Gavin: NOBODY WILL EVER BE GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU.

Spoiler alert: You are waayyyyy too good for me, Gavin.

He doesn’t have too much anxiety over the thought of being MC’s first love though since he’s very good at staying true to himself and knows MC is one to admire that about others.

Gavin is a quiet guy in general. He’s more of an observer and watches MC to take note of what she enjoys.

When he sees her eyes shine bright after seeing a delicious dessert cafe, he offers to take her. He makes sure to express how he also wants to go since he knows she won’t accept unless he is interested as well.

Boy literally has no interests the moment he’s with MC. He is essentially that vine

Doesn’t even wait until the question is over and just “Absolutely. Let’s do it”

MC: But I haven’t even said anything yet...

He isn’t much different from how he is now. Has around the same amount of anxiety just from being in MCs presence.

Boy just wants to PROTECC and is always panicking on the inside but tries to remain calm.

He is very good at calming his anxiety though since he’s had so long to understand what MC values and knows she just loves people for themselves.

That’s all he needs.

Lucien:

His eyes widen slightly at MCs confession.

It’s nothing too mind blowing for him since he knows how refined MC is and how dedicated she is to her work.

It’s still surprising to him that nobody has tried to sweep her off her feet yet.

With how kind MC is, it would be hard for her to refuse a date with a gentleman.

Lucien gently presses a kiss to MCs hand upon hearing her confession.

Lucien: I am honored to be given the opportunity TO WOO to take such a beautiful lady out on a date~ AND MORE PLEASE

Lucien is the definition of a gentleman shhhh we aren’t speaking of current chapters in the main route Lucien. Cover your eyes. Pretend you do not see.

With little to no anxiety showing on his face after the reveal that he is MCs first love, he insists on taking her out to a nice restaurant the most classy and romantic 5 star restaurant Loveland City has to offer as a way to thank her for dealing with his bs (both his bullshit and black swan hahaha I’m so funny oml) being given the opportunity to treat her as a beautiful young lady should be treated.

He’s also more on the less anxious side of being MCs first love.

Lucien is a traditional man and does stuff by the book.

Because of this, he respects and likes the idea of being MCs first love.

He doesn’t go over the top yet isn’t cliche with dates and little actions.

He knows exactly what to say and when to say it. Though he may struggle with being openly honest about his own thoughts and feelings, he tries his best to express himself for MC. a lot of the time he just assumes talking to her about his personal affairs would bring her down.

This, however, gets better overtime as they continue to date.

They spend a lovely evening at dinner together and take a midnight stroll through the city oh god city stroll PTSD

He gently wraps his jacket around her bare shoulders with a soft smile as he thanks her once again for believing in him believing he is worthy of her

Bonus:

Shaw:

Shaw, smirking: Is that so?

Oohhhhh you know what that smirk does to me. DOWN BOY D O W N.

He’s surprised but his reaction is very mutual.

His internal thoughts are more on the line of “Hmm I’m her first boyfriend, aye?” and “OYA OYA”

He very likely most definitely places his hand on the wall beside her head and leans in closely to get a reaction from her as he growls,

Shaw: So that means you really like me, yeah? I’m making this way too hot gdi. Shaw stans please enjoy your food

MC looks up to see that same playful smirk resting on his face.

highkey don’t know how to respond because Im just “ok think of 3 things she would probably say and go from there” while my brain just computer error sound

MC: and what about yourself? I’m sure there are tons of girls throwing themselves at you yet you choose me.

He pulls away and places his hands in his pockets with a chuckle.

Shaw: I’ve had my fair share before.

iVe HaD mY fAiR sHarE bEfoRe MY ASS

I’m convinced he’s had one time things with girls purely for information or he isn’t the least bit interested in relationships because he thrives on stimulation and entertainment and nOboDy iS gOoD eNouGh plus he literally asks what people do on dates when taking mc out in his first date in game SO

Either way, this is a LIE. The man can’t relationship for the life of him so he has no RIGHTS to tease her.

Just let him believe or you can try to tease him about it in hopes of getting a little pouty face out of him.

Honestly, their first date would just be the first date we got in the game and nobody can convince me otherwise.

Shaw is a wild child and doesn’t care for romantic dates. at least that’s what he wants you to think

A little insight on his character: He’s very blunt and easily pushes people away all the while keeping them close enough to gather intel. He doesn’t get emotionally attached to anyone and makes sure it’s mutual on both ends. Personal relationships only drag him down, especially in his line of work. He prioritizes other things before relationships which makes him so damn FRUSTRATING BUT I SWEAR I WILL CRACK YOU OPEN LIKE A WALNUT JUST YOU WATCH ME.

With that being said, after actually being in a relationship with MC for a while and opening up about their personal lives more, Shaw can be very romantic. He may be awkward for a bit at first since he literally doesn’t know what a date is but he gets there eventually.

He’s still full of fun but is also very gentle and makes sure MC is enjoying herself.

I got sidetracked with the actual HC on this one but Shaw stans need food I NEED FOOD

[furymint]

All Prompts

#02: Sway

#03: Muster

#06: Bonus

#08: Clamor

#09: Lush

#12:  Tooth & Nail

#15: Ache

#16: Lucubration

#20: Bonus

#22: Argy-Bargy

#24: Beam

Header  | Reflection of some of my favorite peers’ prompts under the cut!

@aethernoise​ -- #11: Ultracrepidarian

tired curses!!!! i also really love this contrast in their work..... its rly cute. alyx just saved the world and aymeric is hating the dictionary. i like how rough his narration is and then alyx calls and everything speeds up, and i especially love him staring into the empty room. it put another contrast between their circumstances, but its also rly damn accurate abt how it feels to share a moment over the phone w someone. it made me smile a lot

@ahlis-xiv​ -- #23: Shuffle

this one made me laugh ksjdf ahlis’ distaste for the saucer despite being drawn to it is hysterical, but it also mirrors a lot of her character flaws: avoiding vulnerability, placing stoicism before genuineness, planting her frustration on external things instead of herself. even confronting her own feelings draws some curses out of her, and i love that display of her personality.

@autochthonousone -- #09: Nonagenarian

i love me some reflection and mentorship. also im obsessed with “let ‘lone this ‘n”.........dialect is such a hit or miss thing when writing or reading, but god youve got it and i love that line so much. barry’s relationship w stalwart is even better tho, and i cant repeat enough how much i love their dynamic of fair/stern/wise and distant/brutish/actually-paying-complete attention.

@brave-horizon -- #12: Tooth & Nail

talk abt using the setting..............i rly struggle w incorporating setting so this was a little mind-blowing to me. we got a really cool action scene plus established an entire town and conflict all at once?? battle scenes are hard. but ur vocab is so precise and stuff like “seized midstride” and “spilling its pilot” are rly inspiring me rn!! wind magic is smth ive brainstormed in the past but u have such good ideas w it and im so pumped just rereading it. its so good

@erstwhile25 -- #05: Matter of Fact

oh my god. some kind of dialogue god comes down and hands kail all his words, or else he’s just the dialogue god himself. im leaning towards the latter. i wish to god i could say “very small dogs with the barest streaks of sanity” in daily life, and honestly i might start to. the crew of the rook are always a joy to see + the development of their conversation takes such a meaningful turn that it really sticks after the laughs

@endangered-liaison​ -- #05: Matter of Fact 

sorry not sorry jaejh is cool!!!! he’s super nasty and terrible and interesting and i loved his voice, but i esp love how well he pushed the conflict and just Ruined Everything. i rly live how his influence bleeds into the others through their fear. The kids go from hoping or expecting to smth better, to not even debating that he’s lying bc it will just turn out worse. the berry stains as a gun on the wall never struck me either, and i was SHOOK

@high-and-away -- #10: Avail

honestly this was the hardest one to pic a fav for. i rly loved so many of these bc they check a lot of boxes for my Brand. this one sits the longest with active conflict + does a fantastic job staying clear despite all the trails it picks up w max’s foil n comradeship, the chocobo’s higher level of pity over people, the chaotic pack of Resistance members, and the highlander that vicky reasons over n kills. i love that word “limning” now; ur vocab always finds ways to surprise me w the way u use them (esp in describing settings)

@holyja -- #03: Muster

usually when i think of lizzy writing, i think of how perfect ur verbs are, but this time i really liked the visuals and tone. hyana pushing food around her plate and sitting on the rooftops had such a lonely feel to them, but at the same time were rly enjoyable and clear imgs despite not having to be described forever. serella’s dialogue was perfectly on-the-nose, too. usually i rly linger on what is given too much detail, but this rly showed me how nice it is to air things out n leave the thought monologue unsaid.

@karoiseka --  #24: Beam

hell yeah memory lane time. i loved seeing CT from karo’s pov and seeing where her priorities lay or moved. i also liked the life u gave to the little parts left untouched by the narrative, like walking through CT and the heartbeat in the soul vessel. idk what could be more satisfying that a reunion either, so following karo into the ocular was some Good Shit

@mythrilreflections -- #15: Ache

does this get bonus points just for being in o’ghomoro? yes. i love how the tunnels are characterized by the senseless kobolds in them. the added pressure from their reasonings for being in this hellhole is even better, and i love the sigils concept. jace’s narration is so cold, too, which makes both the kobold’s ferocity and the team’s desperation more poignant: he doesn’t sound the type to exaggerate.

@norhimorovine -- #14: Part

this one just screams fairy tale to me. the others do too, but the repetition of events rly knocks this one up the flagpole of ‘belongs in some mid 19th century kids story collection.’ i LOVE the sisters’ banter, and how the younger daughter gets incorporated a bit further for her attention. having the soldier take little pieces of each environment to prove they were real made them a lot more real to me, too.

@snowbird-down -- #03 Muster

if u think im NOT gonna lose my mind shrieking over stream of consciousness as one of the #1 ways of writing trauma, u have not been around me for very long. the varying sentence length is rly successful here, and i esp love the part where people are rushing into the ship and she has to stab a dude to keep him from coming aboard. it’s such a back and forth determining who is humanity and who is the faceless antagonist for a minute, n ofc i love that.

@stars-bleed-hearts-shine​ -- #28 -- Irenic

i was p surprised that my fav of urs came so late, but i feel like this piece has a lot of what your really good at, and which i admire a lot: you aren’t afraid of emotional dialogue or arguments based in more than factual debate, and you capitalize on casual thoughts that reveal a lot more than they do at face value. i esp like that you rly make the most of two characters that overlap in values and personality so often--they acknowledge that overlap and work together with what they share.

@yunkinko​ -- #05 Matter of Fact

im gonna forget abt that little rat line bc the last line is a kick in the teeth. i always admire ur ability to expand tiny details into lasting events. x’arhll’s musings also cut so different from the rest of the scene, separating her from the others and mhifa even further from her, so i love that contrast. the “arc of water” stayed with me for a while too.

[matoitech]

hello u dont have to answer this if u dont want, but ur situation with gender is scarily similar to where im at except im in the mindset that im nb wlw and dont rlly kno whats going on. I guess if u kno how to explain it, I wanted to ask how u made that jump or how u could tell it isnt just a "womanhood is like that" kind of thing and is actually "i am a guy"

oh man i wish i had smth that would make it Click for u easier cuz i def understand being rly confused abt this kinda thing.. i got a few Thoughts, idk if they will help u out but hopefully they give u some more thoughts to chew on that will maybe help anyway. this got so long oh hell sorry gbfhg

i think like the main thing as like a tip b4 we get in2 the Meat of it is it is good to relax and b open to thinking abt bein a guy as a possibility, i dont know if this will make sense bc i do not know how to explain it rly but when i was struggling 2 figure stuff out what i had rly needed 2 know was that being a dif gender can just feel like You (but as u become more comfortable w it, you but happier!) for some reason i thought u had to meet certain criteria to b ‘allowed’ to make what seemed 2 me at the time a Leap but thats not how it works lol. u as u r right now can b a guy if u want to or r considering it. u dont have to feel different and u dont have to think abt ur body a different way or anything. sry if this part doesnt make sense its difficult for me to verbalize lol

it was hard for me personally bc ppl would b like ‘if u Want to b a dif gender than b one’ but like i said in those last posts, for a long time i genuinely did not know i Wanted to be a guy/was a guy, or whatever. i had no conscious longing about it or anything, that came later once i was more comfortable w accepting it. i didnt have ‘i want to be a boy/am a boy’ moments i can rly consciously remember putting into those words as a kid, cuz i just did not care about gender on that level till i was a teenager. like i cannot stress this enough, ur life and feelings abt gender n whatever do not have to match up with what u have commonly heard the trans experience is about. once u figure stuff out and r more comfortable w urself u may look back and notice things that may b like that common trans experience, but remembering this stuff or having these childhood experiences or whatever in the first place is not a ‘requirement’. like i said, no requirements for bein a dif gender

for me like.. knowing it for sure... making the Jump as it were. like its kinda embarrassing but literally the way i Found Out was i was feeling all sorts of things whenever i watched promare and i just felt this INTENSE longing whenever i saw galo that i later realized was just me rly feeling the Gender w him and being envious of that.. it had happened w other chars b4 growing up, but i had never rly noticed to that extent till now. and one night i was thinking my usual ‘i wish i looked like galo i wish i could be a guy’ maybe for the first time in like a Conscious thought, when i had never rly heard it in words b4, and i kinda stopped and was like. what? i WHAT? and then it clicked and it was like a euphoric moment for me. easily top 5 best 2 ams of my life. it is kind of a hyperspecific experience but it is also not UNCOMMON rly lol

also figuring out my sexuality was intertwined in that bc i was iding as a butch nonbinary lesbian and i had tossed the idea of ‘maybe id b more comfortable as a man’ around a bit but the idea of being a straight man didnt feel right 2 me, but luckily i kind of made the connection of wait im a man and im attracted to men at like the exact same time, it had to b both at once for me personally to figure it out and b happy about it. idk if thats smth going thru ur head at all but it was for me and was part of my Journey i guess and may help to think abt it a bit lol

and while yes its absolutely about what makes u more comfortable at the end of the day, i think it wouldve helped for me to hear ppl say that just bc the idea of being a dif gender (in this case Man) might make u feel confused and maybe even uncomfortable rn, that doesnt necessarily mean u r not one if youve been struggling w this and wondering, it might just mean u havent had that clicky moment and r ready to rly think abt it yet. i have grown much more comfortable w myself over time as ive figured this stuff out and i am still open to figuring out more abt myself and i think thats a good place to b at! just b open to stuff like this that u maybe had never thought would have a positive effect on you or make you happier.

speaking from experience i think if ur confused and maybe even miserable telling urself that womanhood is just like that and u gotta suck it up and get used to feeling uncomfortable and bad, u dont have to live like that! im not saying that ‘oh im actually a guy’ is gonna b what everyone who is struggling w thats answer is cuz obviously thats not true- and im not saying how i just described it is even how u feel- but like. as someone who thought that same thing but less consciously. womanhood does not have to be a confusing sad experience, its not an inherently miserable experience, it is possible it just isnt for you and trying smth else might make u feel better. and that can b rly hard to figure out in the moment, cuz ur Used to feeling like this and even if youve heard it can b different it might b hard to have that ‘oh theyre talking to ME, it can be different for ME not just everyone else’ moment lol

also i dont know if this is relevant to u but im saying it in general 2 anyone who needs it i guess; being a man isnt a bad thing and it doesnt make u an inherently bad person, manhood and masculinity r not inherently or naturally toxic or something. thats a harmful mindset to have for multiple reasons and a whole nother post so im not gonna b like and now a word about transphobic red flags but like, worth mentioning that that can b harmful or dangerous to trans ppl, transmascs and transfems.

my god this got rly long... if anyone else has went thru a similar thing and has anything 2 add, feel free to :0 hope i somehow got around to answering ur question w all the rambling! i am just one guy and my experience may or may not b helpful to hear about, especially bc my memory is not the best lol <3 hope it helped at all tho!

[sometimesiwriteangst]

Soul Mates Are Forever - Prologue

(Shortened to SMAF in the tags.)

Written with @scenecipriano​!

Overall story contains: torture, kidnapping, violence, abuse, r*pe, u!Remus, u!Remy, u!Virgil, u!Patton. ...two of these get better. Eventually.

Summary: Everyone wants to find their soulmate. Some people put more effort into it.

TW for chapter: Kidnapping, torture, burns, forced marriage, mystery u!character, forced kissing. General yuckiness...

(This is in first person, rest of story is in third.)

   It didn’t matter now. Nothing mattered. There’s no way around this. I’m stuck, hopelessly, despairingly stuck. I can barely bring myself to lift my head as my captor enters the room. I don’t want to do this. I can’t do this.

    “So, dear, are you ready for today? I thought we’d start with something nice and hot, just for you! I have matches, and some irons, and-”

    “Please,” I whispers, straining my throat to speak, “please, no...I can’t…”

    He sighs deeply, bouncing on the balls of his feet and drumming his fingers against his leg in irritation. My own feet hurt, still sore from the day before, and two of my fingers are broken, bent at unnatural angles.

    “Now, sweetheart we’ve been over this! There’s only one way I’ll stop and you begging isn’t one of them. You know what I want to hear my precious star.” 

    How could I not know? The words were seared into my brain, but before this I couldn’t, no, I wouldn’t say them, but now… Now I have no reason to fight. Nobody was looking for me, not anymore. My heart drops when my captor sighs in boredom striking a match as he does. 

    “I-I love you! I-I l-love you and I n-need you m-my saviour!” 

    He stops, I hold my breath in anticipation. A yelp tumbles from my chapped lips as he jerks my head back by my matted dark hair. Manic green eyes bore into my own hollowed dark ones. 

    “Care to repeat that my dear?” He asks. 

    “I-I love you… I-I need y-you my saviour.” 

    Part of me screams that I’m making a mistake, that I need to stop, but I’m tired. So tired of fighting, I just want this hell to be over. A wide grin breaks out against my captor’s face, making him seem even more demented than he actually was. 

    I close my eyes tight when he crashes his mouth against mine, trying hard to reciprocate the kiss. It only lasts a couple seconds but it still leaves me winded. 

    “I love you too, my precious star! But my dear that still isn’t enough… We’ll give it another week, now! What would you like me to use first? The matches or the irons?” 

    Tears slip down my bruised face, I take a shuddering breath, “T-The matches… my saviour.” 

    I let my head slump as my captor - no, saviour - strikes a new match. Breathing is hard. I want this to be over.

    “Are you going to ask nicely?” my saviour asks me.

    “...Please, the...the matches, please, my saviour...please…”

    I’m pathetic. I know I’m pathetic. I want this to be over. I don’t care what I have to do. I’ll do whatever he says, say whatever he wants. I need this to be over with, and that’s all I care about anymore.

    He kisses the burns after it’s over, murmurs that I look beautiful, and that I’ll look even more so on our wedding day.

    “Wed...ding…?” I echo softly, my voice seeming louder than it truly is in the otherwise empty room.

    “Well of course! I’ll ask you properly in a week's time, but we both know you’ll say yes!”

    Part of me wants to argue, to tell him that it would never happen, but I know better. I force a smile, wincing as a cut on my bottom lip splits open from the movement. 

    “O-Of course… I wouldn’t dream of telling you no my saviour…” 

    I’m startled awake when the door to the room I’m in swings open, I squint my eyes when a ray of light shines over my face. ‘What’s happening?’ My thoughts were interrupted when a deep and unfamiliar voice spoke from the doorway. 

    “My God, the kid was right. Get the EMT’s in here! Mr. Sanders, can you hear me?”

    My heart leaps into my throat as I shield my eyes from the light, a man in a dark blue police uniform walks over to me. When the officer gets close enough I immediately reach my hand out to touch his chest, a cry of relief leaves my chapped lips when I touch a solid body. ‘Not a hallucination this time.’

    I throw myself at the officer and cling to him desperately, my knuckles turning white due to how tight I held onto his uniform shirt. My body trembles from the sobs that leave me, everything was finally over after all this time. 

    The officer places a comforting hand on my back, softly telling me that it was okay now, that I  was safe and that an upstanding citizen led them to me. 

    My crying left me tired once more, I struggled to keep my eyes open. 

    “Go on and rest, you’re safe now.” 

    I feel myself relax and sigh, unconsciously snuggling into the officer’s chest. I close my eyes and allow a genuine smile to come to my face. 

    ‘It’s finally over…’ 

    “Look at how pretty you are… My precious star sleeping so peacefully!” 

    My eyes snap open and I’m staring face to face with my saviour, his manic green eyes opened wide and rung in purple eyeshadow, something I hadn’t noticed before until now. I open my mouth to scream only for him to place his hand over my mouth, he gives me a knowing smirk and clicks his tongue. 

    “Now, star, it’s not nice to scream in a hospital, trust me I know I did it once before and got kicked out!” 

    I glanced around the room, it was much brighter than the room in the abandoned building. A heart monitor and IV stand was to my left, the heart monitor going off erratically due to my fast heartbeat. 

    “Do you promise not to scream if I move my hand? Because this kind of gagging is not sexy at all!” My saviour exclaims. 

    I flick my eyes back to him and slowly nod, he removes his hand. We stare at each other in complete silence for several seconds. 

    “W-Why?..” 

    “Why are you here? Simple! I couldn’t just waltz into a courthouse with a known kidnapped victim and get married! No, far too suspicious my dear. That’s why I had to save you first. The town sees me as a hero because I saved you!” 

    I stare at my saviour, waiting for him to say that this was a joke, but it never came. 

    “Y-You…” 

    He cut me off by grabbing my left hand, his touch was gentle and foreign. 

    “Look, star, I know these past two years have been difficult for the both of us, but I was serious about marrying you. I didn’t want to hurt you, but I had to make you love me. And now you do! So… Would you do me the honour of making me the happiest man alive and becoming my husband?” 

    My stomach drops, he did say he was going to ask me to marry him properly within a week, had it really been a week? And had it really been two years since I was taken? Every part of me screams to say no, to scream for help and tell whoever would listen that this man was the person who took me, but the tight squeeze told me that that would be a bad idea. I swallow thickly and close my eyes tight to stop the tears from falling. 

    “Y-Yes… I-I’ll marry you, m-my saviour.” 

    I stand rigid in a judge's chambers, wearing a plain white dress and a bouquet of white lilies clenched tightly in my hands. I zone out most of the ceremony as the officiator went over sacred passages and then my saviours vows. I come to when my name is said. 

    “Do you Logan Sanders take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do you part?” 

    ‘Say no! Tell them the truth, don’t do this! Protect yourself!!’ 

    “I do…”

Tag List: @samuel-the-gay @alik-gl

[autisticstarseed]

👐 Hand washing guide when you have sensory issues 👐

tbh. we shouldve been talking abt this a long time ago for many disabled ppls sake but ive put this post off for like a million years out of pure solidified fear of ableist harassment/kneejerk ignorance and also generalized cringe idiots but now that we got so much covid-19 fear and autistic ppl actually tend to have weaker immune systems than most people lets jump the shark;;;

i have autism and i physically struggle with washing my hands as often as i want to, having wet hands, drying them, the temperature difference, bad soap smells/textures, etc. are all genuinely painful. the good news is that ive dealt with water aversion shit since birth (its a common sensory issue), so ive had time to figure out alternatives and coping skills that still help reduce risk of disease and spreading it in ways that i can personally manage. (ie. not lazy or selfish or gross. genuinely putting more effort into this every day task than most other people would even think about. just disability lads) so heres the guide i have to offer if you’re in a similar boat, with some keypoints about hand hygiene and tips addressing the most common sensory struggles ive noticed with it;;;

1. hand sanitizer

i love hand sanitizer, i can get it in almost any scent i want and it dries down very very fast. the problem is; hand washing and hand sanitizer do different things. it only kills certain types of germs. which is all fine and dandy, but because of this, using only hand sanitizer wont actually keep you from catching or spreading many illnesses. so what its good for is times you cant wash your hands (out in public, sensory overload, no spoons, etc), thats fine, but it should not replace all hand washing if at all possible. it is supposedly effective to covid-19, but so little is currently known that it should not be considered your go to for this, and the only unanimous statement straight from the CDC is that hand washing works best at preventing its spread.

temperature - if you have trouble with it being too cold, conveniently keeping it in your pocket or closely against your body in some way warms it up and makes it much more comfortable. 

scent - they come in almost any scent you can imagine, but if you have trouble with strong scents, there are ‘scentless hand sanitizers’. they usually have a faint chemical smell, so if there are any testers available, you should check to make sure it can work for you before you buy it.

texture - if gel doesnt cut it, they also make foamy hand sanitizers and liquid sprays, but theyre harder to find and might be a little more pricey.

and remember; always buy hand sanitizer that says it contains AT LEAST 60% alcohol, the higher alcohol content the better, but try to keep track of how high it is and how much you apply it so you dont dry your skin out. and right now price gouging is pretty bad, so dont be surprised if you cant find any for a while, and dont buy any small bottle that costs over a couple dollars, its a rip off.

2. hand washing 

so what does hand washing do thats better than sanitizer??? soap and water lift up the dirt and oils that are carrying the germs and actually wash them off, and not only that, it also gets rid of all the things sanitizer cant, such as dust/dirt, spores, chemicals, and the previously mentioned viruses that are harder to kill. ik to an outside perspective it might not seem that hard, but obviously when you have autism and these tasks are split down into bigger ordeals and sensory nightmares, it can feel impossible. 

soap - there are so many different kinds of soap! scentless soaps exist, and they very rarely have any lingering chemical smell! theres also soap for sensitive skin, and baby soap also works well for that issue. bar soaps can come in all different shapes and sizes, with many different ingredients and additives to choose from (independent soap makers are an amazing source for customized soap btw), and liquid soaps can be pure gel, frothy, mousse-y or even have tiny exfoliating or moisturizing beads in them if thats a sensory experience you enjoy. this is my number one rec for people struggling with hand washing bc of sensory issues;;; mix up the soap. finding one that gives you an okay or even a GOOD sensory experience can completely turn around an otherwise meltdown inducing task

temperature - this is the one thats always been hardest for me. cold water straight up hurts me, and our plumbing is Terrible, so the trick i have for slow pipes is to run the hot water on high as Soon as i get into the bathroom. leave it going and by the time you’re done there should be at least lukewarm water. if this still takes too long for you, try out the various sinks in your house, usually one is able to get hot water faster than the rest (for me its the kitchen sink) and that can become a designated station for you if need be.

texture - some ppl just hate water. if thats the case, it rly doesnt change much abt the process if you use less water, ie work the soap into a lather, and then only use as much as you need to rinse it off. you dont have to keep your hands under the whole time, the soap clings to the dirt, the water takes it off all together, as long as you scrub well and rinse till you see no suds, you’re good 

If it really comes down to it, a washcloth with water+soap, a disinfecting wipe, or even literally just a rinse with plain ol water is better than nothing, but the stream of water and act of rubbing the soap in is the most effective combo against disease. soap/disinfectant wipes and hand sanitizers are your second best option. if theres a time in your life where an issue is so disabling for you that you truly cant keep any of this up, rly the most important thing is to limit your direct physical contact with your face and commonly used objects as MUCH as possible until you can figure smth out. (you kno those old ladies that grab a wipe and open the doorknob with it between their hand and the knob? become that old lady) and if push comes to shove, if a safe and accepting therapy setting is something accessible to you, hygiene struggles are actually something many mental health professionals understand Very well and can help you cope with personally and directly, without shame.

3. hand drying

this is also. my personal hell. and what most people say is the hardest part of the sensory experience. but ya cant just walk around with wet hands right

towels - the obvious choice for most, but to me they actually dont dry enough. i always end up damp and with lint stuck to me. this kills the man. but hand towels do have some variety to them, you can find em with really long fibers or really short/flat, really fuzzy or really stiff, etc. sounds silly but its smth a lot of ppl dont think about that can change a lot. you can also try super absorbent towels (yes like a shamwow), and again baby bath towels are also an option if you want something gentle.

paper towels - yeah a little more wasteful and expensive, but imo much more absorbent. theyre also pretty thin so you can get between your fingers (MY BANE), and under your nails if you use a corner. 10/10

blow drying - ik this is the kind of shit you only see in like movie theaters and malls and they are definitely LOUD AS SHIT, but if you happen to have the money, and struggle more with Textures than Noise, ie a stream of warm air seems worth the sound, you Can actually find a small basic one of these items for your own home. 

4. public restrooms

everybody hates em!!! but you can make em more tolerable;;;

soap - bring your own! little travel soaps you can keep in your bag are a godsend for ppl with sensory issues, sensitive skin/allergies, and if you just prefer not sharing soap.

temperature - most public places i notice actually do get hot water pretty fast (like,,, too fast,,, like,,, it bur ns me) so if there are no faucets and its too hot or too cold, once again you can try different sinks and one might be more comfortable. if there are faucets i recommend grabbing a paper towel to turn it off, so you dont have to touch it again with your clean hands.

sound - WHY R AUTOMTIC FLUSH TOILETS SO FUCKEN LOUDD..... honestly if you have noise cancelling earmuffs or earplugs or w/e pop em in. if you dont have any of that i just literally plug my ears with my fingers when i stand up. if you struggle with the sound of the blow dryers, they almost always have paper towels as well, but its a great idea to carry something like that around in your bag with you just in case. if its really packed and people chattering is getting to you, sometimes the ‘family’ bathrooms are actually smaller and less full. if its bad enough and you feel comfortable asking, an employee might be able to direct you to a single stall bathroom or at least a different one than that.

and though its convenient, try not to use your sleeve to touch things like doorknobs, toilet handles, etc. instead use something disposable like a paper towel or wipe, bc the germs will simply transfer to your sleeve and still risk infecting you. 

5. schedule

the number one suggestion is to wash your hands literally as often as possible during a time like this but like. even for allistic/nt/abled/ ppl thats just not always an attainable schedule so the Best times to wash your hands are;;;

after using the bathroom - the most important time and generally the easiest to get used to. its smth you have to do multiple times a day that already has a schedule, and if you were to forget or go into sensory overload its usually immediately accessible as soon as you can. as i mentioned earlier, if you need help remembering, you can turn the water on when you first get in and leave it going.

the doctors - ANY KIND of health facility should be avoided right now unless really necessary, places where sick people would frequent is the quickest way to get sick but like. ya rly cant help it sometimes right. you cant stop dealing with your own illnesses just bc theres another one floating around. so, this is time to go apeshit on the handwashing. if your health issue involves coughing and sneezing, ask for a face mask. bring a scarf in case they dont have any, its not as great but better than nothing. otherwise, you honestly dont need it, face masks are more for these people bc they keep germs in better than out. whether you’re worried abt getting sick or infecting others, this is a time to use hand sanitizer, avoid physical contact like shaking hands [autistic cheering], and when you first arrive and right before you go to leave are the most important times to remember to wash your hands. 

preparing food - not as commonly spoken about, but also easy to work into a schedule. i personally dont care unless its food for somebody else or if im going to be putting my hands on it a lot, but if thats the case, a lot of the time thats produce you already want to wash in the sink, so you can kill two birds with one stone there. dont just get the germs off your own hands, get em off the fruits and veggies before you eat em. carpool

after grocery shopping - not very common. most ppl just slap some sanitizer/a wipe on there or dont think abt it at all, but if you just got home from walmart thats a great time to wash. you just touched a bunch of items other people touched, including the cart, money/credit cards, and all the products people will pick up and put back, so its prime germ time babey. But again, sanitizer or a wipe will help if its all you can manage after a trip out like that.

before self care - also uncommon. ppl always say ‘dont touch your face’ and ‘apply this product with clean hands’, and what they mean is that one of the fastest ways germs get into your system is through your mouth, nose, eyes and ears. if you’re simply washing your face theres not as much concern, but applying a mask, moisturizer, makeup, etc. should all be done after a gentle rinse of your hands (and face). very hard to get into the schedule of, but if you consider it a Part of your ‘self care’ or use a special fun cleanser, it can stick a little easier.

6. stim items

STIM ITEMS!! if you have stim items, its a good idea to clean them regularly, but even moreso during an outbreak like this.

rubber/plastic - if it goes in your mouth, hot water (not hot enough to melt!) and dish soap, if it doesnt, look up how to safely make a diluted bleach solution.

silicone - silicone is usually dish washer safe.

fabric - if its light, add bleach to the washing machine, if its colored, you can use white vinegar or hydrogen peroxide which are less likely to discolor any dyes. lysol detergent is also super great. small items you’re worried about losing, or items with details/loose parts, you can usually wash inside of a sealed pillow case. 

‘squishies’ - for ‘mochi’ squishies aka the rubbery ones, soap and water + some dusted baby powder or corn starch (optional) to keep it from grabbing lint for a while. for foam squishies, they can rarely be deep cleaned without the risk of growing mold or taking paint off, but a disinfecting wipe every now and then should keep it clean for a while.

slime - cant be disinfected, sorry. also a breeding ground for mold if you arent careful, so its always best to cycle through these quickly.

technology - cant really be completely sterilized, but there are many places to get sprays and cleaning wipes for the devices you use that can at least keep the areas your hands frequently touch a little cleaner.

BUT of course if your item comes with instructions on how to wash it, always follow that instead. this is just a general idea.

and as a final note;;; disabled ppl should not feel guilty or dirty for struggling with this. like. man idc abt ur cringe feels or your ignorant blame or your lack of understanding/sympathy for what goes into these tasks for us. if u dont wanna get our struggles and sensitivities when we’re working twice as hard on functioning tasks which personal ease you take for granted, thats on you. @ disabled people if you struggle with maintaining the same standard of hygiene as nts you arent gross or bad fucking person, you’re disabled and by definition that means your level of functioning will be different, and you deserve sympathy. its just that germs dont discriminate, they wanna cause problems for everybody involved (especially you!!!), so Anything you can manage is Great and if anything from this post can help make it a little easier for people in any way, i feel its absolutely necessary to talk about with respect and dignity. people with autism/adhd/sensory processing disorder/similar neurodivergencies/literally anybody else this could benefit, pls feel free to add on any tips you might have or send me questions. let disabled ppl help disabled ppl do our personal bests

[littlebitoffanfic]

Useful

Fandom: TMNT Characters: Donnie, Casey Relationship: Donnie/reader Request: Do you still write for tmnt? If yes, could you do a little fic where Donnie always helps the reader study but somethings just not working and the reader ends up getting casey to help her. But Donnie sees and gets all angst because he loves the reader and the only thing he thought he had was his brains. “I just don’t get it.” You grumbled, balling up a piece of paper and hurtling it across the lab in frustration before throwing yourself back into your chair. “that wont help.” Donnie sighed as he stood from his chair to go retrieve the ball and returning to you. “Nothing will help. Ive got less than a week to study and I don’t even know what I don’t know anymore.” You huff, burying your head in your hands as you shake your head. You were both tired, and neither of you were probably the best company right now. You were frustrated with the material and Donnie was getting frustrated with you. He knew you were stuck, and he understood why you were annoyed, but he was tired as well. “I AM trying to help you.” Donnie snapped a little, uncrumpling the ball and flattering it out on the table. “Maybe if you tried-“ “I am trying!” You snap, sitting up in your chair as you glare at Donnie. It wasn’t your fault you couldn’t understand and you were insulted that he thought it was. “Maybe if you tried harder.” Donnie snapped right back at you. For a moment, you just stared at him. Your lips were pressing into a harsh line and your eyes glared at his own. For the first time in the entire time you had known him, you felt a small spark of hate in your chest for his arrogance in that moment. “well, we cant all be as fucking smart as you.” You knew you had to leave right now. So you stood up and slammed the book close. Grabbing it and a few papers and the book, you made your way towards the door of the lab. A part of you expected him to run after you, to apologies and try and bring you back. But he didn’t, instead staying seated as he watches you leave. The problem was that when it came to teaching you something, Donnie was normally rather good. He spoke through things and explained them to you in ways you understood. But if you got stuck on a particular bit, that was when it got agitating. Donnie couldn’t get what you didn’t understand. He just ended up repeating himself and that didn’t help. You would get frustrated and that would lead to his own frustration. But moments like that were few and far between. most of the times, you looked forward to the study sessions where he would help you. Sitting beside him, you felt like it was just a small moment where you could be close to him without having to wonder about your feelings for him. But now, you were annoyed, frustrated and stressed. you walked into the living area of the turtles home, collapsing on the sofa as you tossed the math book to the side. When you left school, you thought you were done with the damn thing, but your course required you to sit a standardized math exam. “Hey, [y/n].” Casey voice called to you and you glanced over to see him leaning against the wall. He was eating a cereal bar and seemed to have just came from the kitchen. “Hey casey.” You smile, but you were unable to hid the sadness in your voice. “Exam time?” Casey asked as he walked across the room and glancing at the book. “yeah. I think im pretty well prepared for all of them apart from this standardized math one.” You sit up a little more, shaking your head as if it might get rid of the growing headache. “I could help.” Casey offers, sitting down as he opens the book. “I doubt it. im pretty much a lost cause right now.” You signed. “besides, I thought you hated math.” “I do. But when I went into the police force, we all had to sit this sort of exam. I still have a lot of the stuff I used back home.” He finished the cereal bar. “Really?” you felt a small glimmer of hope in your chest. If Casey could do it, surely you could as well. “yeah, I’ll bring them round tomorrow.” He nodded. “That would really help!” you smile widely. “What bit are you stuck on?” Casey asked you, laying out the book between you both. As you told him what you were struggling with, you didn’t notice Donnie had came out of his lab. He wanted to come find you and apologies. He hated the idea of you being upset at him, and even more because he hadn’t been in the right to snap at you while you were stressed. But then he found you and Casey. He watched as Casey was able to explain an equation to you and you… you actually understood it. Donnie frowned, backing away a little. He just wanted to be… useful to you and his intellect had always been his best asset. He knew it was a pipe dream to think one day, you might fall in love with him. But that didn’t stop him from hoping that the time you spent with him might lead to more. He slowly back away, his head low before turning to head back to the lab. -------------time skip ------------------- You sat on your couch, watching TV. For the first time in weeks you weren’t stressing about the exam. In fact, you had decided to give yourself the night off since you had been studying all day with Casey. The book sat on the table, with a number of notes written out and highlighted. you were drawn from the TV when you heard your phone buzz. Glancing at the screen, you saw Donnies name pop up with a text. ‘do you want to come over and study?’ it read. Picking up the device, you unlocked it to text him back. ‘im taking the night off.’ You tell him. Your mind couldn’t help but want to go over, to be near him again. But you really didn’t want to study any more. As you were siting with your phone in your hand, you typed ‘im was just going to put a movie on. Do you want to come over?’ when Donnies response popped up. But you had pressed send before you read his response. ‘fine.’. One word. Frowning, you stared at the single word response in utter disbelief. You never thought of Donnie to be the type of guy to be like this to you. Was he still angry at you from before? Or maybe he resented having to teach you in the first place? A sense of anger pooled in the pit of your stomach. ‘never mind’ you quickly typed a sent before he could respond to your question. You then threw your phone to the side of your sofa, pulling your knees up to your chest as you tried to fight the dawning realisation that Donnie might not be the person you thought he was. ----time skip ------------ You all but ran to the lair, your results clutched to your hand. Sure, you hadn’t really spoken to Donnie for the best part of a week. He had been distant since that night. You had just assumed he was still angry with you but you couldn’t help but feel annoyed at him as well. You were willing put a nail in it and accept that things were never going to be right with Donnie when you noticed something. Of the few times you had seen him, he seemed… sad. As strange as it was, you saw something in his eyes which made your heart ache. He would hurry from the room before you got a chance to speak to him, but the more times it happened, the more times you realised this was something far deeper than just one argument. You decided to put it to the back of your mind till after your exam. And now you had the perfect reason to go see him. Knocking on the door to the lab, you heard him asking who it was. “[y/n]!” you called excitedly through the door and you heard a small clatter from within and a yelp of pain. “Donnie? You okay?” “Yep, yeah.” The door opened and Donnie appeared. You glanced behind him and saw a few tools were lying on the ground. “whats up?” There was a forced happiness in his voice that you could identify anywhere but it did remind you of why you had came. “I passed.” You held up the paper which had your pass mark in the top right hand corner. Instantly, there was a spark of joy in Donnies eyes. “well done!” He congratulated you, seeming genuinely happy as he always had. He liked seeing you succeed. “Thank you.” You grinned. “want to come back to mine and grab a pizza to celebrate?” Donnie froze, his eyes wide in confusion. You blinked at him, frowning a little at his reaction. You were about to take it as a insult but then he muttered something. “You still want to spend time with me?” the words barley reached your ears as he stepped back, dropping his gaze away from you out of embarrassment. “Donnie?” you breathed his name in confusion as you followed him into the lab, closing the door behind you for some privacy. “I-i-I just thought, since Casey can h-help you now, that you might not w-want to…” He trailed off, turning away from you. “You think Ive been using you?” You ask, your heart breaking slightly. You never used people, and you hated the idea of someone who you cared for deeply thinking such a thing about you. “No! no, no, no.” Donnie twisted back to you, holding his hands out as he tried to comfort you. “i-I know im not the most exciting guy but, but I just wanted to be helpful.” He couldn’t look at you directly, his eyes darting everywhere else but you. For the first time, something in your mind clicked. Could Donnie have feelings for you? He was always the first by your side in danger and he did everything he could to keep you safe. He jumped at every opportunity to help you and spend time with you and yet seemed so shy when he was around you at the start. Now, he was more comfortable with you, but his touches lingered and his eyes hovered. could the behaviour have been out of jealousy? Not that you would condone it, but it would fit in place. There was only one way to figure it out. “I came to you because I like spending time with you.” You smile a little as you step closer. Donnie froze up, his eyes finally meeting your own. You saw tongue dart out to wet his lips out of nervousness. this gave you the confidence boost needed. Closing the gap, you leaned up and pressed your lips to his own. Donnie jumped at the feeling of your lips on his own but instantly melted again them. His hands grabbed your hips but quickly let go before settling on your sides softly. You felt your heart flutter as he kissed you back. “Im sorry.” He breathed, barley pulling away from his lips. Opened your eyes, you saw he was staring down at you. “For what?” you genuinely couldn’t think of what he was talking about. Your mind was still revelling the kiss that you had forgotten about everything, even the test which had slipped from your hand to the floor during the kiss. “How ive been behaving.” Donnie ducked his head out of embarrassment. “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” “Well, I can think of a few ways you can make it up to me.” You smirk, biting your lip. “Anything.” He vowed. “Buy me a pizza tonight? And I get to choose a movie tonight.” You grabbed his hand and started to pull him to the door. Donnie smiled and a soft chuckle left his lips. “anything.” He nodded, scooping up the test as you dragged him from the lab.