#im so disconnected from my body its insane

[echo-s-land]

Following, "I only realized I have dimples a few years ago" and "I finally noticed I have moles although small on my face":

Something I thought was a pimple is actually a mole

Idk when it appeared bc I really didn't mind much but it has at least been several months

[dirtreally]

The ideal toy/action figure is

1) a robot: even if its a really good action figure of like a person or whatever theres always gonna be some disconnect because you cant fucking hide the joints man. And even if you can people just do not articulate like that. If you move your arm your body stretches too. If your toy is a robot it becomes way more convincing as a gestalt being

2)poseable as fuck: rheres so many insanely detailed figurines of like batman or whatever the fuck and hes got bulge definition and kevlar and whatever the fuck but hes a-posingand you can only rotate the arms. Whats the fucking point at that point man.

2.5) it should specifically also have an ab crunch. Ive seen third party transformers that can do an ab crunch while rotating the upper and middle body sections independently and that shit is crazyyyyyyy. It for real adds so much life and presence to poses. The bastard thing about normal hasbro transformers is that they will never ever ever ever make one that has an ab crunch and it makes me so so sad

3) it should transform and/or combine: u gotta give me something to do with it man. Tangentially related but city/base transformers suuuuuck.

Uh huh yeah man thats a city

3.5) it cant be too big or small: if its too big then playing with it becomes insanely unwieldy. The big transformer toys have also had historically awful articulation because of their size. If the toy is too small Its Fine but like deluxe - voyager - leader class ones always feel the best in hand ino. This is why i do not fuck with diaclone.

4) it has to come preassembled it cant be some model kit shit. Sorry im not a real one. Im not about that life. I built a cool (NON GUNDAM!!!!) robot earlier this year and i attached his arm wrong and didnt realise until after i cemented it together and im still recovering. Generally speaking model kits are also mostly hollow inside so theyre less weighty and feel less good to play with.

5) it cant be TOO stylised. This is probably the most contentious one since this is more just a result of me not being The Target Audience but like. Transformers animated optimus prime should not fucking exist in the material realm.

This thing doesnt want to exist. Of course theres the inverse of this where they try way too hard to make it realistic and its like a hypergreebled thing but like thats basically a problem only a specific genre of third party figurines have. The bayformers toys were really good imo cuz they had a lot of detail but still felt very much like A Touy

FINAL THOTS

Every night i see them in my dreams

I know one of them doesnt have an ab crunch but squeezeplay more than makes up for it with the headmaster gimmick and the insane fucking alt mode. Sometimes Just Balling Out Works. This is why i have injector and hes one of my favourite designs transformers has ever done. They for real need to do more shit like him and less Another Guy That Transforms Into A Car But This Time Its 2% More Show Accurate. Its not like i deliberately only fuck with transformers that transform into animals BUT they gotta start finding weirder vehicles to make these from. A helicopter made out of rocks does not count.

I know theres other transforming toy franchises but theyre always either some boutique shit where each toy is 200 dollars or sentai. Which has the problem of not having a lot of articulation (this is fine because these are meant for like 8 year olds but also i straight up dropped boonboomger because every combination theyve given the robot has sucked ass and not even in a fun way like zyuohger). I know theyre doing smp minipla versions that are way more poseable now but again. I dont want to do model kits.

I also really fucking love it when a mecha has like an insane number of guys combining into it. Probably the one time where i will forgive a lack of poseability. Shout outs to go-onger engine oh g12 and boukenger ultimate daibouken (though i feel like this one kind of has a lot less visual impact than the has-1-less-guy super daibouken). The kingohger mecha was a huge disappointment because they wanted to make him one of those guys but by the time they actually combine all 20 bugs literally like a third of them are attached to the back. I feel like relegating a bunch of your guys to Backpack Duty is super cheating. Also the regular nonsupercombined kingohger mecha has spiders on his dick.

[pan-gaa]

My problem with the BL industry -part 1-

Where do we draw the line?

I want to start this by saying I myself have been a BL fan for many years, I just want to share my thoughts on the issues cultivated by this industry in the eyes of a queer man. I want to focus on the sexualization of “toxic” more so abusive relationships that are portrayed. Because the manwha Jinx is one of the most popular BLs at the moment and it fits as an example of my point, I’ll be speaking a little bit about it.

What was the purpose of the BL genre? Well for women it was a media that served as escapism since most mature media was very much male oriented. Women could not feel connected to the characters portrayed only to please men’s disturbing fantasies. Between the impossible body standards and the clear lack of regard for the woman autonomy it isn’t a surprise that women felt quite disconnected from 18+ media. That’s when an adult genre came to fruition, 18+ media for women by women but no woman was portrayed in these stories in fact the main focus was relationships between 2 men. The disconnect from societal pressures helped woman enjoy 18+ content without feeling guilt or disgust. But how a genre created to disconnect toxic attributes in media became just that but for another demographic? Now the people on the other end of this discomfort are queer people, not only gay men. Romanticizing dangerous power dynamics, dubious consent, sexualizing toxic stereotypes,infantilization ect. The list goes on of all real life issues that the queer community deal with but are nothing but entertainment within this genre.

Not all BLs are bad! Im very aware since again I am quite the fan of some but this is more me criticizing the industry per se. The problem is that toxicity sells, what companies want is to sell and that opens the doors for people to make more toxicity for whatever their reasons. All that moves us to where we are today were we have one the most popular current themes being Stockholm syndrome and how it is hot. I’ve been seeing myself how I have been dropping more series than I have finished, I kept getting hit with more and more of this toxic clichés. It was like I was playing bingo and hoping I didn’t win, I would get so excited for stories that did the bare minimum and yet those were hard to find which has made my current experience quite exhausting. Of course I’m no longer the teen who would let anything pass because “hot characters” and even more hot scenes but now as an adult that just doesn’t cut it anymore. Showing toxic situations in media on its own is not the problem but it is the context in which they are shown, these are not cautionary tales but “love stories” the intent is for you to root for those characters. Not only is the relationships an issue but the way they portray queer people overall, the disrespect for bisexual people, trans people and lesbians in some of these stories is quite appalling since these are suppose to be queer stories. I think this says a lot about the industry and some of the artists involved, before it could maybe be used as an excuse the lack of knowledge but to me that no longer holds in the age of the internet.

Now I’ll like to mention one of the stories I’ve personally been a little tired of seeing, Jinx. I was quite interested in the manwha when it was announced, as I’ve mentioned before I’m all about the visuals and seeing the improvement of the artist was endearing. I’m aware the BL is still ongoing but I have read BJ Alex which can add a little context on how the artist manages their stories. This is not a personal diss on the artist or those who are reading the story, I just think with all these kinds of popular stories we gotta ask ourselves, Where do we draw the line? Jinx is your typical story of the protagonist being someone that went thru trauma and has to spent their whole life trying to pay some insane debt, then comes the romantic interest being a famous rich person with an unchecked personality disorder that takes advantage of the power dynamic and uses the protagonist to his convenience. It is quite an overdone premise and in this story we see it as a black listed physical therapist and a famous athlete, the protagonist Dan appears to act like an Angel while Jaekyung keeps bullying him and using him for other acts. The story so far has been quite literally only this, and you see in the comments people hoping for a redemption arc for Jaekyung, at some point in this story readers have to realize that a good ending would be Dan leaving this situation but unfortunately I don’t have much hope for that. Jinx is not the only story doing this but it is one of the most popular at the moment, we also have stories like Painter Of The Night which is literally the love story between a kidnapper and his victim.

BL is a genre that can be enjoyed by anyone yet it seems like lately it can become queer stories but not for queer people but more so toxic fantasies put onto another group of people that also have to fight for their own respect. It’s perfectly fine to enjoy good ol 18+ media that is morally grey or maybe somewhat toxic but when an industry gains so much money on portraying real issues as unserious fantasies so continuously, I think it’s time we ask ourselves as the readers; When is it too much? When does it get disrespectful to the people it’s portraying? Where do we draw the line?

[the-kinfesssional]

Hey.. MM.me again.. Spamton G. Spamton... Sniffle sniffle this was longer than i wanted oops sorry so sorry IM FUCKING STRUGGLING OUT HERE How do I tell A memoryfrom a headcanon is it a headcanon if its me? what is it??where ?? what?? huh??? what????????????????? I cant tell. Im a fictionkin I know that. but im like so confused al the time. Like thats me. But also Idk im really used to just dissociating I thug it out ok. i dont really go into kin spaces a lot like at all so I dont know proper terms but I know what i feel Inside but then im like No thats cringe an,d also that cannot possibly be real. I dont relaly know if i believe in past lives(?) ornot at least As a fictional character. for me personally. but at the same time. I Guess i do? Huh. Its strange. Like this guy is just me. I am him he is me because.Thats me. I dont get as bad Kin(?) dysphoria as i do Gender dysphoria. I know how i could still be happy In a human body I Guess. But it just feels like itll never fully be me. Or will it. I dont know. it makes me so happy it makes me feel such a way that I cant even explain its like this feeling in my chest and its like.......Yeah. Thats me. But Iveee been Very. Disconnected from kin stuff lately because ive been super stressed and distracted with other stuff and ive just felt like a wet sack of sand being thrown at a wall and the sand is all like gross and wet and its leaking everywhere and its gross like you know when you get sand all over you at the beach but youre also like Damp and the sand is all Sticky and Grimey and also Scratchy. thats how ive been feeling mentally onfg can someone give me a mental shower i needto get DUNKED. This ended up being a longer rant and also skewing off into different things than i wanted but its ffine whatever. Ugm. Id ont know where else to go. BACK ON THE MEM THING BECAUSE I GOT VERY DISTRACTED. I dont know. I have this one very very very specific Flash this Instance in my mind and I dont know if i consider it a memory or not???????? I thhink i am a.,, Psychological kin mostly. if thats the right term. idfk man. can i still have memories. Are these even memories? do my headcanons count as My canon is that what that is ???? I NDONT KNOW IM GOING INSANE but I can also have conflicting ones existing in separate timelines. but like. im not like a multiple timeline and past life guy. i think? its not a huge belief of mine. i just. I am. i AM. Im spamton. Are memories supposed to be In first person. is it just feelings. is it. what. how do i define. How do i tell? How can i tell. aRe the The little movies in my head the little Blorbo Situations. like. whats those count as. Also why does being canon divergent make me feel sick to my stomach. whenever new DR content is released with me involved i feel sick cause im like IM THE REAL ONE I M THE REAL ONE IF I DIVERGE IM A SICK FAKER AND THEYRE GONNA TAKE ME OUT BACK AND KICK ME IN THE SHINS!!! And its really weird. Like huh. Nobody cares. I care though. uhm. idk. call me boyfail the way i bash my head through a wall and make a hole in it and then put a pillow in it and take a little nap wiwiwiwi hoink wiwiwiwiwi (the sound I make when I sleep)

Its confusing, I know. I think psychological kins don't have memories, but you can have headcanon about yourself, I believe? Im not sure. Im a spiritual kin

[antifathomable-shapeshifter]

sometimes i wonder if im just autistic or if i also straight up have a personality disorder.

who knows. i'm not asking a professional.

besides, the whole system of diagnosing personality disorder is fucked top to bottom.

people who are diagnosed and/or people who find explanations in the diagnostic criteria will say things like "Don't use personality disorders as short hand for Evil Abuser Diseases" (and they're right) but also like. the guys who coined them coined them as Evil Abuser Diseases, no? They saw mentally ill people and said "Y'all are monstrous freaks, here's a label so we can control and abuse you."

correct me if im wrong, i have not done reasearch on this specificly, but like. im anti-psych. psychiatry has a super fucked past (and present). so i feel like its not a bad assumption that the diagnosis everyone thinks are for Evil People were made to be slapped on People Who Are Totally Evil Trust Me We Need To Protect Society From These Mentally Ill Freaks At Any Cost (to the patients).

im definitely not normal. i do not see people as equals, innately. that's earned to my brain. i treat people as equals, because if i don't, that gives others the justification to hurt me. i am selfish. i am kind because i am selfish. nothing i do isn't for my own self-satisfaction for one reason or another. and i cannot allow others the power to hurt me, and so i cannot allow them the power to hurt anyone.

i have a favorite person. i am partially disconnected from my emotions (likely autism). i crave attention and approval (adhd or pd? see my issue.) i hate the confusion surrounding the term empathy. "feeling others feelings". you can mirror their feelings, but it will always be your brain's interpretation of their feelings. im not saying your brain is always wrong! we're social creatures, most of us are pretty good at reading other people's emotions. but you aren't literally feeling their feelings. idk, maybe im just no-empathy. i feel similarly about romance, as an aromatic, so yeah.

all my feelings are my own. all my thoughts are my own. at the end of the day, im the only one who has my back, and i still fuck myself over frequently.

i strongly believe that there is no thing as true free will. i do believe we must act under the assumption we have it, but i don't think its real. its just that the amount of variables you'd need to keep fully understand is so insanely, impossibly large that no one can actually predict the future, or even the next action of a given person.

but a god could. a being of infinite knowledge and comprehension could absolute predict the future. all of it, forever.

life is about cause and effect. something caused this to happen, so it happened. it could have been you, it could have been your government, it could have been the weather.

its all dominoes. my brain is dominoes. im only in control in so much as i do what i wanted myself to do. i feel in control when my brain and body follow my directives and i don't when they don't. its arbitrary. i will never being able to force myself to do something when my body and brain refuse to do it. im not at the wheel. im a puppet monarch.

[fridgimus]

sergei unorganised thought dump

i think he's silly and funny and sily and i like him

me and my friend talk abt how dragunov's movements are so surgical, rehearsed, precise. they have such windups but when they connect they hit fast like a gunshot (the sound design helps sm with this imagery)

ive felt this way for tk7 but i love how after grapples he usually has little tactical ways to get back up

the automatic, reflexive way he fights is so cool (and attractive?! goes without saying i feel this way), he just wants to dispose of his opponent and get on with it, he's all business..

his heat startup and new rage art animation feels that way too, the glove adjust and the growl.. he's like let's get this shit done with already !!..

his heat smash shoulder bash too phwee!! <3 he uses all his body parts in such a intentional way.. he knows where and how to hit and hits hard

pair this with how he acts outside of business, he's always lost in thought and humming and in his own world.. its emphasised especially in tk8. i still love how he was a bit more ruthless in tk5-7, but i'd like to think bc he's on vacation he's a little more chill. he still has cold intros and outros tho, i forget how chilling the camera stare is supposed to be because i just think its cool </3

i always liked gap moe in my favs so yippie!

he's insanely attractive even to nonfans for a character whose design motifs revolve around the living dead; pale skin, dark lips, half lidded milky eyes (but they shine so cutely), sharp skeletal features. despite that he looks extremely chiselled its crazy.. i forget how much of a beast he is compared to the other male characters (incredibly tall.. like a scarecrow [scaring birds...no wonder the ravens have such a tough time w him] and i think one of the heaviest characters in the game)

apart from a few (nonromantic) relationships i like to think he's very solitary, so i'm not too interested in a lot of ships w him, but i usually dont care too much abt that stuff. theres like one and thats it lol. i just like seeing him be really cool. i am crazy fond of self ships like player/character, but thats mainly self indulgent and disconnected from canon..

even tho bryan and victor are my favs i like.. am not interested in them interacting seriously with him. dragunov's like toooo cool headed to really pay attention to them. i will forever love the idea that the raven unit has such a hard time with him but he doesn't really know any of them, like when he sees them he just feels like 'oh, it's them again. back to work.' with bryan too i like to think bryan likes him as per the ttt2 implication? but then gets bored because he just dispatches people too quickly and moves on, haha. a little ankle biter. i dont think dragunov is a sadist to the extent he is.

speaking of victor, in their intro, theres a little surprised squeak when he rolls out of the way of the attack, im not sure which of the two are making that noise but if its dragu EEK its super cute.

i had such a hibernation period with sergei when tk7 started declining, the difference between tk8 and 7 is insane im happy it stoked my love for him again

ohh yea and one more thing my friends keep teasing me abt his intro in the story mode, whenever i land a grapple we always quote "and SQUEEEEEZES the life out of them"

in more silly thoughts, i think he gives great hugs. i think his core/chest is very warm but his arms and legs are cold. maybe.

[sumrot]

*TW ED* in response to both ur intamacy post and ur weight loss posts as someone a bit older:

intimacy: a) we are living in an age of extreme loneliness and disconnection. loneliness is one of the most dangerous things for humans, we have evolved to be reliant on each other, as we are pack animals. you are not alone in feeling intimacy starved, as u can see by ur responses. its truly a mental health epidemic… b) in a way i envy u. from such a young age i was hypersexual (some thanks to the slut movement of 2014 tumblr). it never made me feel good about myself or wanted or valuable. it made choose bad relationships for pseudo intimacy. i put myself in harms way constantly to try to feel wanted. thats not to erase the pain u feel now but to offer the perspective that as u get older and engage with older people, who hopefully know what they want and how to be kinder, u can find true meaningful intimacy and hopefully avoid another type of heartache of having ur intimacy violated and taken for granted. being in ur early 20s and navigating relationships fuckn sucks but it gets better with age.

weight loss: i am about ur height and weight. i used to be really underweight, 108lbs, and didnt eat. ur right, i still never felt small enough then. if i kept on that track the health consequences down the line could have been awful. its not worth it. i had no energy and still hated my body. the nutritionist is maybe right, for many bodies we need to eat more foods that make us feel good, with good protein and nutrients, and move more too lose weight. not eating just shuts down bodily functions. i gained some weight and got to 140 just by eating more and then started exercising and quickly got down to 130, but i look more toned and i feel better about myself. most of that weight is in muscle and a fat ass. i dont get sick all the time. the exercise is really light too, just taking walks or doing some yoga that engaged all my muscles a few times a week for half an hour. it helped with self esteem a lot too, bc i put in the work and im so proud of myself. no im not as thin as i once was but im happier overall and in my mind thats worth it. TLDR: eat a little bit more, and move much more, u will get results. it can be a good way to meet people too ;)

I love to vent on here but receiving messages like this also make me extremely grateful to have the followers that I do on here, and also that y’all are willing to take the time to offer support and advice—that is to say, this was insanely helpful. Thank you 🫶 will seriously be coming back to this. I will be trying to pursue more intimacy, but agree that it can be easy to chalk up my self worth to that. I’ll try not to..

[raincamp]

08 02 2023

ive been feeling like different people recently. i can never predict who i am going to be when i wake up in the morning. my values, likes, dislikes, priorities, mannerisms, beliefs, and feelings all change so frequently that i can never tell what's "me" coming through— who i actually am

its so disorienting to realize when something has changed- like, i can intellectually understand that yesterday i was not an anxious person, i didn't care what people thought of me, i was so self confident, i enjoyed talking to other people, i was able to do things without becoming immediately terrified at the possibilities of bad things happening. but that wasnt me, because today, i do feel anxious, i despise other people, im insanely self conscious and self critical, and the thought of going into public has me wanting to curl up into a ball and hide in the dark recesses of my bedroom for eternity. my entire perception of myself and the world around me has completely flipped overnight and its not like anything happened to trigger it??

even my perception of gender, sexuality, my own name sometimes feels so disconnected from who i am as a person, as an identity, i have to trust that what i have written down in my bio box is true (and, as far as i have experienced, it usually is once i'm stable again) because i can't deal with questioning it again, gods know i've had enoigh crises about it for a lifetime.

its times like these that i start latching onto someone else for stability, i know a lot of pwBPD go on to construct their identity around a favorite person but i've always been one to use fiction as a source of comfort and stability. not only can i be 100% sure about a fictional character's traits and values, but it also provides me with a sense of strength and protection, because i tend to subconsciously pick characters that i admire and that i believe are stronger or more intelligent than me.

since the new season of good omens has come out, i have once again absorbed crowley into the list of personalities i've stolen. i mean, he was always there, but ive noticed him pushing through more in little ways over the past couple days. from the music that i listen to, to the way i walk and hold myself, i find myself doing things that i know I will later look back at and think "wait what? thats not like me at all", or at least, not like the me i thought i was a week ago.

because its not like ive consciously made a choice to act any differently, it's just how i naturally act in the moment. it technically is still me, it's just completely out of character for me, as far as the people around me are concerned. and i know that, eventually, this period of needing to subconsciously become "someone else" will come to and end, and when im on the other side of it, who i am right now will be completely unrecognizable to that person, just as they probably would be unrecognizable to the person i am right now.

and, i mean, it makes sense why him, why my subconscious would choose crowley. we're both going through extremely similar things right now, we both have just lost people we love, our FPs, because they thought that leaving us would save us. maybe its safer if i pretend its only happening in a tv show. maybe its safer if i let him take over navigating my life right now because at least i know that he can. i know that hes strong enough, i know that things will end well for him. i don't know if its the same for me.

anyway, identity dissociation is weird, and it sucks that i got the short end of the stick having severe dissociative symptoms as part of my BPD presentation. i mean, sometimes i feel like im 3 steps and a jump away from an actual dissociative disorder like DID. i obviously dont have it but i can fully understand how you get from here to there, yk? i can 100% empathize with how it feels up until the point where theres two people in your body at once. but the dissociation, the feeling of your body and memories not being yours, not recognizing the people around you, the feeling of a headspace, the feeling of not knowing who you are, they're all things i experience at times, so its not difficult for me to be able to understand what it might feel like. and its absolute shit honestly.

- andrew (?)

[therealaves-blog1]

I want the void to see my takes on Star Trek: Coda

They vaporize the site from orbit and the attack stops. Everyone counts their dead and Chen a friend of Taurik morns him but realizes he might have left some knowledge in her brain when they accidentally pseudo melded earlier.

The Aventine arrives with the DTI B team from Watching the Clock while Tom Paris and Belanna Torres back on Earth meet with the head of the DTI and big wig admiral (apparently a prior adventure had them remember Year of Hell, which is cool) so they can give time advice.

Dax and co beam over and everyone interrogates the prisoner whose in some kind of insane transporter prison thing due to being a time ghost. He confirms hes Devidian and is basically puppeting the time ghost body around. They find out theyre trying to kill anyone who can interfere, like Wes, but seem to imply the various god beings are sitting this one out to see how it lands. Wes confirms this as the orgainians, among others he tried to contact are gone. the time ghost mocks him, implying they’ve killed all the other travelers which upsets Wes. They get to admit that the intentional diverging of timelines and subsequent destruction is a stress test for their big idea. The time ghost disconnects and basically dies. But Wes manages to get an idea of where they might be hiding. In sickbay Picard and Beverly worry about whether Rene can be returned to his correct age and list off two separate episodes where that shit happened. Rene is apparently mumbling in his sleep. Wonder if that will become relevant later.

Wes, Picard, Chen, the DTI, and others hop on over to the Aventine where the more cool and based ship’s better tech can be used to time travel. Which they then do to that planet Picard and Wes saw, but this time to some few thousand years in their relative future. Whole section has a vibe of ‘Picard’s in charge here’ which sucks cause this is Dax’s ship and crew. Show some damn respect old man. Planets lit up with time bullshit and they go down in a shuttle finding some crystal bullshit. They go inside and its like a hub for access to different timelines and shit and is one of many installations networked together. Theyre attacked and start trying to hold them off while Wes does space magic to connect to it.

The Aventine is also attacked but because they are better than the Enterprise they hold them off more effectively. Theres a breach and attacks continue but they buy enough time to let engineering do a energy wave that kills everything. on the surface a ton of people die before another ghost shows up and is talking mad shit before it gets 86d by the security detail. Chen is injured and starts old aging, one of the DTI and most of the security team are killed before Wes finishes and they get beamed back up.

We skip ahead to their return to the Enterprise to learn that the end of the chapter where Dax was under attack? that oh yeah that was her fucking dying. We learn this from her sad second in command (now acting Captain) Sam Bowers, as he talks with Picard about how sad it is that Dax is dead. Host and worm.

BOOOOOOOOO, fuck this, how dare. Ezri deserved better, cant believe they’re just trash canning her before she even got to talk HER GOOD FRIEND WORF OR CAPTAIN SISKO OR KIRA. OR EVEN FUCKEN BASHIR. HOW DARE SIR HOW DARE. 

I’m okay, im normal about Star Trek and can be trusted with material. Worf has another weird dream about fighting in the Ent D with the time ghosts and watching a security officer die. Hes weirded out but feels its important somehow and opts to discover it on his own. Its clearly Riker’s D that got got (teehee). Worf you have been through so much cosmic bullshit, I feel like not bringing this up straight away is a failure on your part. Your cool commanding officer (Sisko) straight up had religious visions and you were happy to engage with them. Now is not the time to revert to pre DS9 neuroses Worf.

Wes goes over the data and is like ‘Good news, we know what they’re up to. Bad news, oh fucking shit fucking good god no.’ So they’ve built a ton of those hubs across time space and different realities time and space. and they use them to funnel energy back to the main nucleus thing. They started with going into busted up timelines that were already near their end and triggering natural decay but this has expanded to higher and higher branch points along the timelines. with places that have natural time anomalies being inherently less stable. Wes muses whether this means that their branch can even be saved or if he’s done this many times on lower branches and this is just the furthest any version has gotten. Everyone is bummed out and they head for Earth to meet up with ol Bill Riker. End of book.

WORF DOESNT EVEN GET A REACTION TO EZRI’S DEATH. THAT IS BOTH HIS CLOSE FRIEND AND THE CONTAINER OF HIS LATE WIFE MEMORIES. HOW IS THERE NOT LIKE EVEN A MOMENT FOR HIM TO MOURN AND RAGE. BOOO. BOOO I SAY. BAD DEATH. EZRI DESERVED BETTER.

Next time, book 2, which opens with Sisko so Im already back in.

[graceful-not]

HI VERY NEW ECHOHEAD HAVENT EVEN FINISHED S7(8?? I'm on Hands of Time) BUT HES. HE MAKES ME INSANE YOURE SO RIGHT AUUTHRHFHJD.

I want him to get a hug and a mug of hot chocolate but I also want him to go on a path of destructive cathartic rage. I want him to stumble upon Zane's place of creation in the forest and break down in the snow and drag himself inside to the warmth and the carefully and lovingly made blueprints of the man he is not. He's so. THE WAY NYA AND JAY TREAT HIM HAS ME SO PISSED ITS SO. HES A PERSON!!!! HES A WHOLEASS PERSON!!! HES NOT JUST SOME COOL FIGHTY WEAPON??? aurgh.

AND ARRHDHUDUEH THE STUFF ABOUT HIM AND ZANE AND BROTHERHOOD IM LITERALLY INSAAANE BC. LIKE ok in one of the earlier seasons the Ninja depart on the Bounty to go someplace and there's this whole point abt how Zane doesn't have anyone to say goodbye to, and he says "The only family I have aside from my father is my Falcon." Or something like that, and I. Obvi he considers the Ninja et al. His family, but he still wants the connection of where he came from and that unique perspective. Something like him, or something that knows or understands him that way. And I'm imagining what if he meets Echo and...

From what I've seen there's a lot of Echo being the one to want that relationship, but I love the idea of Zane reaching out for that, needing that, finally there is another that has the capability to truly deeply understand, to be a brother in a way the others cannot, and Echo... Rejects that. Because for so long he's been building up these thoughts and emotions and it just isn't that simple for him anymore, Zane isn't considering his existence as a separate entity who has ruminated on this themself. Zane hasn't lived his whole life knowing he was a model and replacement for someone else. Echo can give Zane a connection of understanding through their shared creator, but Zane cannot do the same for him and it's just,, AUHHFHDJFN. God. GOD. And Zane is so excited to learn about him and keeps reaching out but Echo doesn't know what to do in response bc Zane just. Doesn't have any of the weird complexes Echo has abt the situation, he's just "!!! My dad made another person??? Brother? Brother??" so there's a fundamental disconnect and it's so.

Like of course I want Echo to reconcile with Zane bc of all that entails, but I feel like he'd get along better with Pixal? Someone entirely different who also understands like. the whole "being created as a copy of something else" by virtue of the Borg Industries production stuff, and she doesn't have the whole weird convoluted background stuff, shes a stranger. And I think he'd get along with Cyrus bc he is goofy and silly but respects his creations as equals and as adults and doesn't force any kind of subservience or relationship on them. Also bc Cyrus is my bbygirl but that's irrelevant. I feel like him befriending them would allow for more opening up to Zane once he is introduced like that into Zane's world. I also kind of want him to snap at Zane in the beginning and for Zane to be utterly confused bc the the possibility of Echo hating or resenting him didn't cross his mind, bc he never viewed Echo as an extension of himself. He treats him like a long lost sibling, but forgets to factor in Echo's abandonment and backstory.

Also sidenote the differences in their personalities make me. Zane having to learn and make an effort to laugh and figure out his sense of humor VS Echo chronic giggler even during inappropriate moments (just like me frr😭). Zane inclined to lead and give pointed advice and direction (confident in his body and his place in the group) VS Echo eager to follow (to be wanted, to belong, to establish a role for himself) and giving input related to others plans. Zane bright metallic shine, perfectly fitted, sleek, VS Echo dulled brown, unnasuming, cogs and gears, rust. AuGH.

my piece on why i really like echo. i have ruminated a lot of these thoughts in my brain for awhile but i realized ive never actually made a public post abt it .. echoheads lets discuss extensively

see. i think we can all agree about the most common echo characterization. at least the one i usually see in fics? and generally most fan content. hes a happy-go-lucky guy whos a bit child-like or naive, very innocent and mostly just glad to be here and full of wonder and whimsy and etc. and also really loves zane and is very kind and sweet and etc.

i am not saying this is an incorrect characterization by any means . obviously. because hes literally got like 5 minutes of screentime and most of that is spent not talking so its really up to whoevers writing him how they want to take his character. but i also think that making him just. Fine with everything is a very underwhelming way to take his character. because he could be so much more than just. zane's brother who is innocent and silly. he can be innocent and silly and still have complicated feelings about his situation and existence yk.

i enjoy villain/antag echo bc it gives him a role in which to explore those complicated feelings as Himself. not as second fiddle to whatever zane is doing, but as a story of his own to come into his identity. because often times when hes included in fan content hes there just to be zanes brother and nothing else. which is so sad for him. because in canon thats all he ever was and all he'll ever be to his father. to zane. to the ninja. he's just the copy. the lesser version. he can never be his own self he will always be a derivative of zane.

like how is that not an interesting thing to explore. and how could we not think about the complicated feelings he would have about that. echo isnt stupid. he isnt incapable of having those kinds of feelings about his identity or role in the world because he is Literally Zane. he is programmed to be identical and he is in every facet of his personality and mannerisms a reflection of how zane was before he met wu/the ninja. when he was just a bit clueless about the world but not Stupid. just unknowledgable. and he was still capable of complicated feelings about himself because we see as early as episode 2 of season 1 he is wondering about himself and his role in the team and how he feels about the world. he isnt just content every day of his life to simply be there; he questions things and thinks about them deeply. why do fan creators often rob echo of this same capability and dumb him down to simply being child-like or incapable of complicated thought?

i always see him just. Fine with everything. and i dont think he needs to be a villain or evil or even violent to make him an interesting character. but i also think that anger and violence is a natural progression of the situation he has been put in by the doctor and by extension the ninja. they too do not regard him as his own individual, only as an extension of zane. which is literally crazy. because he is a whole ass person. they disregard his identity because its the same exact one as a person they already know; but he has no control over that. he didnt ask to be made as a copy of someone else, and now he exists, and he is forced to live knowing he was never his own person, even though he Is. Because he is Himself and he Exists and yet he isnt because his face doesnt belong to him and his voice doesnt belong to him and his name doesnt belong to him. the world decided he is someone else and he cant be who he actually is because someone else is Already him. like christ man. why are we sleeping on this and just making him like yayyy:3 im so happy i love everything or whatever. bro should be questioning his existence!

because i do think joining the SoG gives him such an excellent entry into both formulating his own identity while also paralleling harumi in an interesting way; for both characters in their attempts to create their own identities opposing the ones theyve been forced into, they end up only relating themselves to that identity anyway. in echos attempts to separate himself from zane he ends up relegating himself to hating zane because zane took something from him, an acknowledgement that he is a copy in the first place. their scrapped fight dialogue is so interesting guys. a discarded replica an experiment left to rust. should he not be upset that despite not asking to be made, much less in the image of someone else, he was left abandoned? that he was created solely to be hated by his creator for not being Someone Else? And now he is stuck always chasing after the shadow of that person because he was never meant to be his own person. only zane's copy. never as good as the original. and he has to live with that. its so devastating and good characterization and so interesting that i cannot pass up on it for simply having him be Guy Who is Happy and Innocent.

He is not stupid. He would definitely have less anger in his heart if the ninja got to him before Harumi did, but i think its so impossible that he can simply look at zane and feel nothing. that he can see the person who has cursed his existence into meaninglessness and just be like omg brother:3 because he is doomed to constantly be relegated to Zane's Brother and he will never be Echo to these people that call him a friend. He cant even use his own name he has to be Echo. because its someone elses name and not his even though it Is His its the name his father gave him. but hes not allowed to use it because hes not the original. and he is lesser. and he will always just be zanes brother and he will never be zane. and he will never even be echo. isnt that so fucked.

[beesmygod]

is 9/11 funny? 🤔

im putting a rare CONTENT WARNING on this post for frank discussion of 9/11. there are no pictures (they are linked and no gore), just words.

i feel compelled to answer this since 9/11 was on my mind lately. very american thing to say lol. anyway: i was thinking about the emotional/social disconnect between generations and how difficult it is to convey how vastly and terrifyingly different things became almost instantaneously. american has been in a freefall since, we've all just become accustomed to the perpetual pit in our stomachs.

9/11 is the point i think most people can point to as the moment when america became completely bugfuck insane

in a complete failure of leadership in a time of legitimate fear and confusion, the american right-wing government used the loss of civilian lives as casus belli to start a war predicated on a complete lie with the sole intention of lining their own pockets. 9/11 has been invoked countless times as america's free pass to run roughshod over the middle east, eliminate personal freedoms, RUIN AIRPORTS FOREVER, and enforce a narrative of victimization in which we were attacked by people we trained and armed ourselves. it's insane how fucking bad the bush years were culturally and its honestly hard to convey to a generation that doesnt know what it was like before all of america started suffering from a gas leak. as such, the attack has come to been associated with opportunists, grifters, warhawks, racists, and the biggest monsters in modern, if not all of, history. no exaggeration.

its human nature to want to sully the sacred. for 20 years it was a surefire way to hit ANY conservatives berserk button instantly. then i guess when trump had to account for one of his classic bangers, conservatives decided they didnt give a shit any more

the older and more cynical/internet poisoned i get, the more i start to sincerely believe that the ongoing attempts to shield people from the gruesome reality of what happens to the human body during a violent death has not done much to improve the human psyche. there are plenty of (good) resources and first-hand accounts about how unhealthy it is to repeatedly expose yourself to human death (like, i dont think its good to sit on ogrish and likeleak all day. it is bad to jack it to human suffering and mutilation lol), but now we completely refuse to engage with it at all. this is the part thats complicated for me lol. i dont think people should be FORCED to look at gore. i dont think it makes you a stronger or "better" person. but exposing myself in small doses to The Horrors has given more more of a uhhhh...understanding. as someone who was a kid and lived literally 3000 miles away, the way the culture shifted around me was significantly different than on the east coast. there really is a lot of information that deserves to be known by more people as common knowledge.

dont worry im not 9/11 truthing lmfao. im talking about things like the oral history of 9/11 book which includes an account from an EMS worker who had to argue with a woman who was just lungs and a head over putting a black triage tag on her. the new york times has an enormous archive of survivor accounts detailing how, in the middle of evacuating the second tower after the first plane hit, they were told to go back to work and stay in their seats, leading to an unforgivable number of needless deaths. there's the families that refuse to accept that their loved ones are "jumpers" in attempts to identify them because jumping to your death is suicide and bars you from heaven. can you fucking imagine? the idea of being forced out of a window because of the unbearable heat and into certain death freefall is horrifying enough to even have to contemplate but to have your family members pass judgement on you for it after would be beyond mortifying.

there's a lot i think about when i think about 9/11, even when i clown on it. the man who tried so hard to climb his way to safety and fell to his death while the camera watched helplessly. the scream of the man on the phone with 911 for almost 20 minutes before the tower fell on him. the sheer, impossible to comprehend scale seen in the photos of people hanging out the windows for air. or what it felt like to see the second plane hit; the ice cold terror of realizing this was not a horrible mistake after all.

ehhh but on the other hand

lol lmfao

[loving-villanelle]

honestly the more i think about it season 4 is exceptional storytelling. eve struggling to deny her feelings for villanelle is sexy and interesting and youre acting like its just the result of incompetence from the writers?? insane dude. and yeah yeah its the last season but why would you want the last season to be soft and boring. this is killing eve im here for gay chaos, doomed romance, love makes you crazy, etc etc !

I've never once said that Eve's repression of her feelings is the result of incompetence from the writers actually? I'm also far from the only one who has been confused about the direction this season took given how s3 ended. My issue has always been the disconnect between the pivotal scenes in the s3 finale vs where we picked up in s4. Is that the result of bad writing? Yes partially, because you should never tell a story in such a way that the audience has to do this much work to connect the dots. I've stated this before, while we don't need everything spoon fed to us, it would be nice to at least have a point of reference for where this season picks up. Sandra and Jodie themselves said right after s3 that they felt the turn on the bridge was Villaneve's way of saying that the other was the only one that they could really trust. So what I'm disappointed about is that the scenes and the dialogue and the analysis from the s3 finale do not mesh with where we found ourselves at the beginning of s4.

I don't write the show, they are welcome to take it in whatever direction they so choose. But I'm also allowed to have opinions about that direction. I have seen from fans and professional critics alike that had there been another season of development between s3 and s4, maybe this contrast wouldn't be so jarring. But we have spent so much of the season just trying to get the ground underneath our feet that now we're looking up and are like oh crap, the season's half over

I hate the "soft and boring" line. Why does soft have to equal boring? Why can something only be interesting if it's draped in chaos and drama and angst? I'm not saying they should've given us a season full of hand holding and pillow talk, Killing Eve is not that kind of show. But there were certainly avenues that could have explored their newfound trust while also maintaining the chaos and conflict

But instead, they essentially made the first 2 episodes filler. You can't tell me that there was no way for them to introduce the elements of "Eve has changed" and "Villanelle is trying to change" without taking up 2 whole episodes. So I'm annoyed that material that probably could've been wrapped up in one episode was instead spread out over 2. When you have an 8 episode season, there's not much time for buildup. The momentum needs to be there pretty much from the get go. There's basically been a general consensus that this season really didn't gain traction and find it's direction until the end of ep3 going into ep4, which is already the halfway point of the season.

I'm not going to apologize for wanting more Villaneve material in what is the FINAL season. Their dynamic has always been the heart and soul of the show. While it would have been nice to have more scenes with them physically together, even the scenes with them apart haven't really been about them. And I understand that they are on their own personal journeys, but why is the show so incapable of giving them actual dialogue when they are in the same room together, instead of making the audience read between the lines so much? The lack of dialogue worked in the past because you could read so much through their body language, but with this repression of feelings they are exploring with Eve, that body language is gone and we are left questioning what happened in a scene as much as Villanelle is. We do get glimpses of slight cracks in the armor Eve has built around herself, but their first interaction being so physically and negatively charged came completely out of left field and set the tone for the season in a way that I don’t think the audience really expected 

I really didn’t anticipate the season playing out the way it has so far and it's getting concerning how they will be able to wrap things up with the little screen time left. The reviews for eps 5 & 6 seem promising. I'm here for the ride, always have been, and maybe I'll be worshipping the ground Laura Neal walks on by season's end.

But I'm also allowed to have hoped for more by this point of the season. You have your show watching experience and I'll have mine

[4dtk]

stuck with you

pairing: enemy!journalist!haechan x journalist!reader

genre: angst, fluff, humour, enemies to lovers (hope i did the trope justice tbh TT)

warnings: cursing, f words lmao, i mention stranger things a lot in this??? mainly bc i just finished watching it w a friend. i also only use ‘haechan’ when narrating the story so i don’t get confused! the timeline for this is Very Weird as well bc like i didn’t consider how long a pandemic would last…… so Uhm. pls just excuse the weird ass time sequence. also referenced yangyang’s bastard child behaviour from dream plan where he packs his things messily and kun had to mf intervene and yangyang had the audacity to go like “see, this is how u get ppl to pack for you, now i don’t have to do anything” 💀

word count: 8k (a headache to proofread...)

A/N: first time trying an e2l trope and im not sure if it was done ok??? i didn't want it to feel too rushed so i tried to spread out the days as much as i could!! i also included small snippets of their life w the other so it won’t seem like the fic is just focusing on the e2l concept! was inspired tons by the lyrics of stuck with u by ariana grande and jb, so that song is definitely something you can listen to if you read this! hope you enjoy ^^

[day 1]

"you're insufferable," you groan, reluctantly handing over the remote control for the hotel's television after some unsuccessful scrolling.

hotels never exactly had much range anyway. 

you were very much already dreading the time ahead with the male, sadly having been stuck in quarantine not even half a day with haechan. 

offering to go to a neighbouring country to report on the rising covid-19 situation, you didn't expect your rival to tag along, no doubt seeking to craft up a better story than you would.

and so, you were now nudging the remote control into his waiting palm with a roll of your eyes. you hoped it emphasised your annoyance with him even a little, standing up to prepare a cup of tea before bed. 

"are you going to keep watching television while i sleep?" you ask a genuine question, peeking at him through the mirror of the vanity that sat outside the bathroom.

he just shrugs with a tired sigh, turning his attention back to the cartoon playing in front of him. 

"okay, well, keep to your side of the bed and i'll stay in mine. we need to be social distancing, anyway."

there's a hint of "okay, loser" mumbled under his breath, but you pay it no thought as you finish your tea and brush your teeth before you skillfully set up a fortress made out of pillows.

"ow! what the hell?" 

"your leg was in the way, jeez! move it, and i'll stop annoying you," you said, putting up the last of your requested pillows beside where haechan currently sat. 

taking one last glance at haechan, you wondered when the lockdown in your country would last before they start letting people fly in. for now, you were trapped with the nightmare himself in a sad hotel room, with only a bed to share.

"goodnight," he tells you, but the sardonic way he says it irks you to the point where you settle for silence instead. the only thing that drones on are the voices of the cartoon, soon fading as you feel into a dreamless sleep.

[day 4]

"this virus thing is probably driving me insane by day, and you, lee haechan, are adding on to it!"

"no headlines, no idea what style to write in, minimal pictures-" the doorbell to the hotel room interrupts your current rant, prompting you to storm off to answer the call with an annoyed look. 

"what now?" taken aback by your quick response, the housekeeping girl retracts with downturned eyebrows and a voice hesitant to speak. your roommate comes to the rescue almost immediately when he's heard the commotion.

you watch as he sends her a smile and a wink, deflating when he's let her in to clean up the room. you're not sure why you can't keep your eyes off the both of them as they converse, blaming it mostly on your hatred for the male.

with the last of her duties fulfilled, you offer to help her with the cleaning supplies as an apology, but she cuts you off almost immediately. there's a linger in her step, however, as she walks the short hallway to the door, evident in wanting haechan to send her off as he received her.

turning back to call him, he holds up a hand as he types down his opening lines to an article, prompting you to shoot the housekeeper girl another apologetic look.

"sorry again," you mumble, letting out a sigh at how this was all playing out. day four and you were already making enemies with the hotel crew.

"maybe day forty-one is where i fall in love with lee haechan," you scoffed, perhaps listing down all the unfortunate things that could happen while you were in quarantine.

one of them was catching feelings for your rival.

rolling your eyes, you settled on the bed to catch a few Zs as he continued to work on his article, though you weren't exactly sure about the weight your words held.

[day 9]

"haechan, what is this?" you ask with an eyebrow raised, his dirty boxers barely hanging off your finger. 

haechan only groans at that, knowing you were relentless in the laundry. even in a pandemic, he was sure you'd prioritise your clothes first.

"jesus! don't go picking up my underwear just like that!" he snatches it from you, folding it neatly and placing it next to where his luggage sat. unfortunately, yours was right beside his. 

"you think just because you're doing the laundry you're able to look through a man's prized possessions-!"

your jaw drops, "it was near the sink, haechan! i don't want to look at the checkered pattern on your boxers when i brush my teeth. i don't want it near my face either." 

haechan groans yet again, running a hand through his hair in frustration before turning back to the computer, a blank document opened up in front of him.

despite gathering findings, interviewing healthcare workers and serving the public alongside frontline staff, he had deleted every attempt at writing.

there's a rumble from the bathroom, perhaps from your upset stomach or the choked pipe, but sometimes they sounded too similar he couldn't tell it apart. haechan stifles a laugh when there's a "fuck!" echoing behind the door, though unsure if he should help you or not.

when haechan hears another crash, he comes running without hesitation with a face morphed into furrowed eyebrows and a tilt of the head.

"don't just stand there, you moron!" 

haechan snaps out of his daze to assist you off the floor, swiftly helping you even more off the floor as he carries you to the bed with a stiff one arm. you notice his other hand hanging awkwardly, probably not knowing what to do with it before you feel the soft sheets under your butt.

he gets to work within a minute, fishing for an ointment and some bandages his mother forced him to bring. he remembers it as he always has: a caring mother looking out for her son, maybe a little too much sometimes. 

haechan is thankful for his mother, now, for the stray bandages laying around in his pouch.

you watch in silence as he cleans the cut with alcohol, wincing when his hand hadn't even touched your skin.

"my hand isn't even on your skin yet! jeez, calm down." 

you shake your head, holding onto his bicep to halt his arm, "just use water, please."

exhaling in exasperation, you wonder if you've pissed him off tenfold when he leaves for the bathroom with a side-eyed glance, though not hostile.

"problematic," haechan whispers, dabbing a wet cloth over the wound carefully before applying the ointment and securing the bandages. 

"your words contradict your actions so much, haechan. i never know what you're thinking." sighing, you pull your leg away from his hold after he's done with the bandages, making your way to the bathroom and leaving him in his thoughts.

"why do you want to know?"

haechan gets silence; the lock of the bathroom audibly turns to signal another wall put up between the two of you. with another frustrated groan, the boy plops down on the chair to work on his article with the right words forming in his mind.

even if he was the one who asked, he wasn't sure if he was ready to tell you.

[day 13]

"stranger things is freaking me the fuck out, man!" haechan whispered, ignoring your pleads and groans to continue writing. 

"haechan! give me the damn laptop! i don't even know why you brought an HDMI cable when it doesn't work with the television system here!"

"well, we got one that matches it, didn't we?" he said, eyes peeled to the screen that showed the young boy, will, in the upside-down.

"you mean you did!" you shoved him, ready to disconnect the devices before haechan held you back, clearly entranced by the next sequence of eleven being able to see will in a pool of salt. 

"ugh, god, i don't even know why people watch the show!" you spill with sourness, knowing the show was praised for its excellent acting and writing.

haechan raises an eyebrow, turning to you with a strangely slow speed. 

"stranger things have received multiple awards, and you didn't give any other reason. are you scared?"

when you struggle to find words, haechan laughs at his revelation, hiding his pearly whites behind his hand as he continues to make fun of you.

"yeah yeah, i'm scared! so what?" 

"'oh haechan! oh no~ i'm terrified, would you care to provide some comfort?' jeez, don't worry, man, i'll protect you." there's a cheeky glimmer in his eyes and a cocky smirk on his face which you very much want to wipe off with the disinfectant in the toilet.

"it's not all that bad, c'mon! give it a-" turning back to the tv, the sudden attack of the demogorgon lashing out at the camera has the male screaming, hiding behind your body in fear.

"you were saying, mr superman?" you deadpan, unlatching his arms around your waist as you sink deeper into the sheets with your phone in hand.

[day 17]

haechan thrashes in his sleep, almost knocking the wine glass you had in your hands when he crosses over the pillow barrier you made. 

"what in the hell-" you winced, keeping an eye on the male should he have any more outbursts that would ruin both wine night and the stuff you were working on for the article. 

with tipsy hands, your keyboard keys unconsciously write out a letter of disdain and confusion regarding haechan, the boy sleeping next to you with a cute drooling face and curly hair.

with beautiful tan skin like that, you wondered why he didn't model instead. with a voice as impressive as his, you wondered why he didn't sign a contract. with natural hosting capabilities, you wondered why didn't fucking get the place of a talk show host. 

because man, he can get pretty bothersome sometimes.

[day 20]

the next few days pass by with a breeze.

despite not knowing how the current pandemic will turn out, you find haechan more bearable, his habits being dumped in the past with a wave of a hand.

petty arguments occur, of course, until one of you brushes off the matter like nothing.

today was one of the days you won't back down.

there's worry evident on your face, eyes scanning through every last document on the stupid laptop. fingers travel fast over the keyboard as the realisation slowly dawns on you. 

with slumped shoulders, you take a deep breath before turning to the male.

"what do you mean you accidentally deleted my article? i know we're sharing the damn laptop, but we established that you stay on your files and i stay on mine."

the other waved his hand, "i did not touch any of your files, (y/n), i'm not sure what happened."

"how could you not know? what the hell? i had good content on it, but now i have to spend more hours reorganising the news and interview answers and everything else in my notes. thanks, lee haechan."

"maybe if you weren't so caught up in me trying to sabotage your place in the publication team, then you would've believed me." he shrugged, taking a seat on the one bed like nothing.

you scoffed, arms crossing across your body. "funny how you mention sabotage because a villain never reveals their motive. that's why you came with me, didn't you?"

haechan stuck his tongue out to the side of his mouth, eyes blinking and rolling like an 8-ball that it sickened you to the core.

"villain? i'm the villain?"

"was i not clear?" you hiss, stepping closer to the male.

"no, make it more precise, please. i wanna hear it word for word. spit it out, coward."

with every word, you plunged your finger into his chest, looking deep into his eyes. "you're set out to take my place for department editor, where you know i'm best at."

"and that department would be...?" he crossed his arms, looking down at you with scorn you wished you could slap off his face.

"the..." you gulp with his face all up in yours, eyes boring as he awaits your answer, no doubt losing confidence at your realisation.

"the world depart...ment? you love to travel, right?" you trail off, biting your lip in anxiety when you remember how he was on the plane. you don't exactly remember whether he was more excited or scared.

"wrong! try again."

"politics?" you propose.

haechan's face contorts into disbelief, with his mouth twisted with perplex and eyebrows furrowed. "me? politics?"

your mouth runs dry at the roadblock you've faced, and as that annoying, stupid smirk grows, your hatred for him increases by the charts.

"naming departments i'd rather die than join, running your mouth, accusing me of deleting your files..." haechan shakes his head dramatically, rolling his eyes and letting out a fat sigh.

"you think i wanna be stuck here with your infuriating ass? god, you're so entitled, aren't you? aren't you?!"

"talking like you own the place, talking like you're the only one in this world, talking like- mhfh-"

within three angry steps, you were across the room.

within three booming steps, your hands were on his face.

within three significant steps, you were kissing lee haechan.

"you never learn to shu..." with horror, you're brought back from the trance with widened eyes.

"oh, god, sorry. what. what the hell. what the fuck?" you whisper, pushing the boy away with both hands in a panic, trying to highlight your scorn for him by wiping your lips on your sleeve.

had you liked it?

the other scurried to the balcony in a frenzy while you collected yourself in the bathroom, although no amount of water could calm your nerves. 

with shaky words in bed, you both agreed to never talk about it again.

[day 25]

"hey, i can see your damn annotations on my article, (y/n). will you stop it?" haechan whines, making you second guess if he was joking or not.

for the nth time that day, you roll your eyes and proceed to sip from your cup of gin tonic that haechan desperately wanted you to try. it was... a refreshing taste, but hell, you wouldn't drink this even if it was the last beverage on earth.

"i'm just giving my feedback, be thankful i didn't bring up that stupid kiss five days ago. bleugh." 

haechan falls quiet at that, fingers lingering over the keyboard as he typed out some note with the speed of a sloth's. 

"hey, call me donghyuck. that's my actual name," he mumbles, glancing at you through his bangs while he awaits your reply.

"donghyuck? is haechan an alias?"

the boy shrugs, "i don't know, maybe. my friends gave it to me when i was younger, and i just stuck with it."

"full sun? your friend gave it to you, sure." you grin with a gesture of your hand, almost spilling the gin in the clear glass before breaking into small laughter with the other.

[day 28]

"hey! hey, what the hell?" you whisper, feeling the boy huddle up to you in lightning speed. 

"what is wrong with you?" you whisper-shout, nudging him off your body as his phone screen remains as the only thing illuminating his face.

"sorry, i- i was watching stranger things while i was shitting and after i cleaned up... i heard something and bolted out of there."

"so now you're butt naked? hyuck, ew!" you groan, thankful for the sheets that were covering your body and his junk. his reluctance to get off you didn't seem to bother you as much as earlier, but you still wished he wasn't literally naked against you.

"go put on your underwear, you big baby. i'll be here when you come out. no demogorgon is going to come out, for real."

"no no, i was watching season two and it was that big shadow thingy that freaked me out. can't you feel this poor boy shivering?" haechan sighed, eyes never leaving the corridor that led to the bathroom.

"i can, and i also can feel your dick. please get dressed, or you're sleeping on the floor," you mumble, pulling the sheets to cover your freezing body.

[day 31] 

your face hits something soft, cuddling into it even further because of its warmth before you realise there was only one other thing that would be warm in the room.

haechan.

your breath shakes, and your eyes widen as you pull yourself away from his embrace. your subtle movement leaves him thrashing around, though, and his arms tighten around your figure slowly and endearingly.

gulping, you will your hands to stay in their place, opting to freeze to death although there are hints of heat crawling onto your face.

when you wake up, you find that his hand's in yours and maybe you were searching for one wrong thing. an anomaly, an exception. it fit in yours perfectly, however, his tanned skin glowing lightly under the rays of sun filtering through the curtains.

you hoped he didn't realise the small shift of your fingers as they enclosed around his hand.

[day 32]

"what are you doing out here?" haechan asked quietly, peeking around the sliding door before joining you on the chilly balcony. it wasn't much, but it was still different and refreshing from the old, stagnant aircon air that was blowing in the hotel room.

"can't sleep," you whisper. you had your arms around your figure cautiously, as if it could protect you from all the bad, evil and terror in the world. at this point, you weren't sure what was it that you were feeling, but it sure didn't involve entertaining haechan's teasing. 

luckily, he bit his tongue from making the usual snarky remarks.

"it's two in the morning, what's up?" 

you shake your head in reply, watching the empty streets as the last light in the apartment across you switches off. sure, at two in the morning, pavements were dusty clean, and the birds were sleeping, but there would always be younger boys smoking along the road, or a drunken group of friends laughing about a past memory. 

now that the pandemic forced everyone into their homes, everything was pretty much dead. there wasn't that excitement you felt when you saw a late-night kiss shared between two lovers or the snug hug of a child to his father who was working overtime that day.

"nothing's up, hyuck, it's fine. you can get back to sleep if you want."

maybe today you two were the one causing the ruckus this time, though. haechan may have let his words slipped, and at that moment, you knew you regretted that bloom in your chest when his lips met yours.

"you're so hard to read, (y/n). i want you to be able to trust me, tell me what's going on."

"why do you wanna know anyway? so you can expose me of my bad habits and weak points?" you whisper, eyes trained on the flickering lamppost a few yards away.

"there you go again! again with the sabotage?" haechan scoffed, exiting the small space and stepping back into the room of mixed emotions.

"is this just about your feelings for me?" 

haechan laughed, "my feelings? might i remind you that you were the one who kissed me full on the lips twelve days ago? what was that all about? i wanna talk about it, even though we said we wouldn't! i wanna talk about why you hate me so much. i wanna talk about why your emotions are so contradictive!" 

your mouth hangs open as you sputter out a heated reply, but instead gets interrupted with a knock on the door. 

"keep quiet, you damn teenagers! i don't need your petty fights at two in the morning!" with padded feet, the guest returns to his room and slams the door to emphasise his complaint. swallowing, your mind goes blank as it focuses only on one question.

"why do you want to know so much lee haechan? what are you gaining out of this? if it's not sabotaging, then what is it?!" you whisper, standing your ground as with the first argument. 

your throat is clenched up, and your fists are balled up tightly with nails digging into your palm. your heartbeat races like a fast car and your breathing's laboured in the cold room. there's no movement for a second, though they feel like minutes on end as haechan struggles to answer your question.

"what is it, lee donghyuck?" you cry out again, the sparkle in your eyes shining brightly from the tears of your never-ending dispute. he wished it was from the moonlight, instead. he wished the two of you were laughing over the rim of wine glasses and sharing the mischievous glimmer of the moon in your eyes.

"it's nothing. don't mind it." the other turns to catch up on sleep, leaving you to bite your lip.

"now you're doing it, now you're the one doing it. just tell me, you dumbass!" you mumble, pulling on his pyjama sleeve and tugging you to him.

"i like you, okay! it's out there now, i like you a lot, but you make it feel like a crime to do it," haechan whispers, "whatever. fuck this."

"no- what- no, we'll talk this out." you propose, adjusting your grip on his wrist with the curl of your fingers.

the male shakes his head and snatches his arm back, "no, forget it, and i'd prefer if you left me alone, (y/n)."

even with the warmth of his body next to yours, your body felt frozen and stiff. even with the thick duvet cover over you, you felt out of place in the stale hotel room, with colour becoming black and white, they merge into grey as the moonlight shone without a care for your problems.

there's action on the balcony when your eyes flutter open in the morning, noticing the quiet way haechan observes those rushing to work as well as social distancing officers making their rounds.

his eyes look hopeful and youthful, different from the tired ones the night before, or rather, this morning. you hadn't forgotten the angry neighbour banging on the door, and you definitely hadn't forgotten about how much you've wounded haechan this morning.

with a soft knock, you let him know of your presence and you just miss the way his eyes soften at your bed hair and messy appearance. his gaze turns hard in a second as he turns back to the apartment across yours, the balcony door showing your reflection of how hesitant you were.

haechan wished he could take your hands in his and accept your apology in a heartbeat, but he stayed seated and waited for whatever you wanted to say.

"don't run off, please." there's a shameful hand on his shoulders, and he's dying to get up when he sees your downcast eyes in the reflection across the street.

"i was too caught up in getting department head that i... didn't consider other possibilities. even the possibility of you uhm... liking me. it's still a weird concept to me, especially with how much we bicker."

"i'm sorry i didn't stay to hear out your feelings and rather, i just talked over you instead. i'm not sure if you want to accept this or not, but i want to open up—about this, about your feelings and... i don't know how much i've masked my emotions, i just know that we need to communicate."

the doorbell interrupts your apology, but you internally thank the housekeeping for bringing breakfast for the two of you.

with silence over breakfast, you weren't sure how the other felt as he scoffed down the croissant and almost burned his tongue with the coffee he ordered.

[day 33] 

the boy barely watches the television and instead, reads over the article you were working on. seeing as it was already there when he logged on, he skimmed through it out of curiosity, finding that you were rephrasing the messy typos and sentences frantically on your notes.

haechan never forgot the way you were typing away on the laptop, eyes reading and rereading the sentences to make sure they made sense, to make sure they were clear to the reader. 

the argument had taken a toll on you, too. he sees it in the way your eyes sink when your words turn out choppy and lacking, he sees it in the way you lug your body to the bathroom after a late night, he sees it in the way you struggle to hold your smile while attending an interview. 

'haechan. you confuse me. i'm not...' the note below it trails off, piquing his curiosity at what it had in store.

'haechan.' big and bold letters it wrote, with a few dozen question marks below it. your writing skills shine through even in an informal note about your self-proclaimed rival, each line prompting the other to read more.

'you confuse me. i'm not sure what you're at but, it doesn't seem natural for you to tag along with someone you hate, right? that's what i was thinking too.'

'jeez, i remember hating when suyeon told me you were coming along. i didn't believe her one bit until she showed me your plane ticket and the hotel rooms next to each other. god, and when i came here, it was a day of interviewing before the damn government decided to close flights and force us into a room together.'

'i heard that other people had to be separated. i didn't know why we were the unlucky two that had to be put in a room together. i wished we didn't, almost. of course, you annoyed me when we first moved in. hogging the tv to no end, leaving your dirty underwear everywhere, running your mouth just like at our workplace.'

'i couldn't take it, maybe. sure, my brother has similar antics, but there was just something about you that just set me off, you know? i wouldn't have thought it was the opposite, or at least, i think so.'

'i'm counting the days. day 17 and i'm not sure why i feel this bubbling feeling inside me. of course, there's anger—i'm sure it's there, but there's also this other thing i get whenever i look at you.'

'my heart clenches up, and my hands become clammy, but it couldn't be a crush, right? i would've wasted my breath shouting, and my strength whacking your shoulder.' that makes haechan chuckle and look over at you where the soft light dances over your face.

'and then i started imagining. how would your arms wrap around me? how would your infuriating laughter, which somehow turned out to be so contagious, feel in the crook of my neck? yikes, that was cheesy.'

'what would it feel like if we fell in love for one night? where would you bring me and what would we eat? would we make out in your car like unruly teenagers?' 

'what would it be like to love you? it's dumb, isn't it? i don't know. i've liked this bickering thing we had going on, and it's amusing to see you one-up me. i'm not sure if i want that to change and i'm not sure if you want us to, either.'

'maybe i'm wrong, and i'm the only one in this thing. this is so stupid, writing while he's sitting next to me. i'll regret this, maybe. goodnight.'

haechan sighs, closing the device in thought, confused at the words he wasn't exactly supposed to read. had you done this on purpose? he was sharing the laptop with you...

the boy brushed it off, placing the laptop on the vanity before adjusting your side of the duvet, hoping he could find the right words. with hesitant steps, he keeps to his side of the bed, thinking, thinking, thinking. 

when he couldn't no more, haechan fell into the spell of slumber in the comfortable hotel room.

[day 34]

"tea?" he asks from the bathroom as the door clicks behind you, returning from the short hotel walk with a new keychain hanging from your sling bag.

"yeah sure, thanks." 

the water runs as he fills up the kettle as the constant whir of the aircon and the conversation on the television keeps you company in the vast quietness of the room. 

you weren't sure if you should say anything, but when you saw the dishevelled appearance of your roommate, you knew you had to bring up the argument and apology.

"haechan, about our... feelings. do you want to talk about them?" you whispered, a reply reaching your ears in the form of his spoon against the porcelain mug.

haechan hands you the drink wordlessly, sitting on the chair at the vanity before sipping cautiously at the tea. there are unexchanged glances between the two of you before he sighs at your expectant hand tapping the sheets.

"i think it's about time we did," he mumbled, dragging the laptop off the wooden table with anxiety. the other opened it without saying anything, catching you by surprise when the mouse hovers over your note.

"hae- donghyuck! no! what the hell?"

he holds up a hand and clicks on it anyway, making your heart drop to your stomach as he turned the device towards you.

"read the bottom." haechan whispers as you pull the laptop closer to you, settling it on your lap as he observed your expressions carefully.

'i read it, i'm sorry.' you look at him and lift up a hand to prepare to whack him, a defeated sigh escaping you before you carried on.

'was it wrong to read it? of course, and i cannot apologise more for doing shit like that when we still have unsolved tension between us in this small ass room. it was incorrect, but.'

'do you feel the same as me? is bickering all we have to do? why can't we work anything out? they're the questions i keep asking myself after i read your letter.'

'i guess i was too caught up in the fight and not wanting to be the loser that i... can't deny that i've never thought about wanting to get to know you, even if you were that sought out to be my destined enemy.'

'when we fought earlier, you kissed me. i know we said not to mention it, but, uhm, it was good. i liked it. i'm not sure if the reason why you did it was because of the reason you mentioned in the note, but at the time, i assumed it was to shut me up. i thought something would happen after, though you pushed me away and apologised right away.'

'it was a far off dream that i had, but i think it was after i bandaged your foot. you said that you didn't know what was going on in my mind, and i told you.'

'it was like, i was granted an insight into an alternate world, another universe where you didn't feel the strain, where you legitimately assumed i was going for your position.'

'you scoffed when i confessed, right then and there, on day 9. i was counting, too, and it was a scary, confusing dream. i think that's why i held it off as long as i could until your words puzzled and angered me further because you just didn't get it.'

'you scoffed and told me to get lost, pushing on my shoulders where we fought on the balcony for everyone to see. you never spoke to me, you never mentioned my article nor the interviews. we never joked over wine, and we always kept to our side of the bed.'

'i was convinced that heaven wanted me to stay away from you and your heart. maybe it was broken too many times, and you had someone up there looking out for you.'

'i feel like i'm copying off the textbook of some greek mythology starter pack, but i'm for real! no kidding.' you smiled, looking at him with nervous eyes at the small joke he put in.

'i guess whoever put that dream in my sleep really wanted us not to be together because i think i would've told you i liked you on the spot itself. i let my conscious get the best of me.'

'i know this is a lazy way of conveying my feelings, and i wished i could do it with words, but i feel like you wouldn't believe me otherwise. i rushed it this morning when you went on your morning walk around the hotel and when you let me know of your stroll in a soft voice, i wanted nothing more than to get you in my arms as we wake up to the housekeeping service.'

'i didn't want any more tension between us, and i didn't want to be interrupted by your alarm while we avoid each other more. it hurts seeing you escape the room in haste. you said it was weird for me to tag along with someone i hate, too, and that someone was you. i guess you found out why.'

looking up, you found him right in front of you, mouth dry from his reply to your letter. with a gulp, you leaned forward to meet his lips halfway.

"i'm sorry to whoever's up there," he whispers, prompting a grin and a laugh out of you.

the laptop is forgotten on the bed as haechan situates himself over you, clutching your shoulder gently while his lips move quickly, fast to make up for lost time. 

"wait wait, wait, you're not playing me, are you?" you mumble in return, reluctantly pulling away while witnessing the way his eyes soften at your guard still up. haechan shakes his head forlornly, tongue pressing up against the side of his mouth nervously.

"no, i'm not, (y/n)," he says quietly with as much sincerity he can muster, removing his hand from your shoulder with a forced smile. 

"okay." there's a shakiness to your voice, but when you bring his lips back to yours, it gives you a rush of confidence. your skin is burning up, and your hands can't stop wandering as his lips capture yours, repeatedly moving against yours like a trance.

you grant haechan access to your mouth with a whimper, melting into his embrace as his arms wrap tighter around your figure. his eagerness lingers when he pushes forward, straddling your lap as his leg nudges the laptop.

"wait, hyuck, wait, the laptop!" you joke, placing the device on the floor before getting back into the kiss with just as much fervour. within a minute or so, the other breaks away to say the words you so hated to hear:

"we... we need to talk. we can't just kiss the fight off, although i very much like to," haechan murmurs the last part, making you stifle a smile. 

you nod quickly, repeating the word "okay" like a robot. your hands naturally travel from his arms down to his fingers, and you clutch them like your life depended on it.

"we have... established, that i like you, correct?" haechan whispers, scooting closer as his tea-ridden breath surrounds you. from here, you could even smell the buttered croissant he ate this morning.

it made you smile, something simple as that.

"why- why are you laughing (y/n)?" he asks anxiously, eyes darting to find the reason why you found this so funny.

"no. no no no, i'm thinking of... the croissant you ate just now, and," you sigh, resting your head on his broad shoulder. 

"i'm thinking of the way your eyes light up when you show me the articles you idolise so much, and i'm thinking of the way you cuddle up to me whenever we watch stranger things." 

"i'm thinking of the way you thought i wouldn't give you a chance, even though i've been pondering on the same thing as you. i'm thinking of the things that make up lee haechan, lee donghyuck. yes, you like me, and yes i like you, but i guess i haven't told you the reason."

"i hated you, i really did. i found every reason to convince my mind to hate you. gaining trust, signing up for events you didn't know shit about, sucking up to the seniors, stealing my friends when they didn't know your personality. the personality i didn't even want to know because i was too busy in my little bubble."

"assuming you'd want to get department head was the cherry on top, because why else would you want to tag along? that was the factor that convinced me and confirmed my suspicions from day one."

you grunt in opposition, clearly not liking the truth that was spilling from your lips. haechan deserved to know, however. you kept your eyes trained on his lap where his hands were holding yours in support, crumbling from the blindness that caused your hatred. 

"so from then, the plane ride, immigration, the cab to the interview place, the cab back, the hotel room, my hatred for you boiled over." you listed, voice breaking as you looked haechan in the eye. 

"it was stupid of me to assume, to assume the worst of you when i didn't even know you. i wasn't even sure why i felt so bitter looking at you, but the way you acted, the way you whined, worked me up so much that i figured that was how you were."

"now when i'm sitting here with the curtains drawn, i can see why you're so attractable and easy to talk to and easy-going and bright that my friends keep talking to you."

"i can see why the seniors turn to you because you're reliable and hardworking without uttering a single word."

"i can see why you wanted to hop on this flight with me because you're always curious about the world and how you can expand your skill set."

and as you said word after word, haechan observes you with a soothing hand against your forearms. his eyes shine for a different reason, for the lost time he could've had if the two of you didn't have this massive barrier. a massive barrier that's been up for the longest time. 

brick by brick, the wall is being torn down. as you hold haechan's face in the stillness of the room, you feel closer to him than you've ever felt and his tears match your frustrated ones. 

choking on sobs, delayed apologies were all you could whisper.

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry, really. we fought so bad that day, and i was so goddamn insensitive..." you sigh, swallowing a lump when his hand reached up to wipe the tears. with a blocked nose, you breathe shakily as housekeeping interrupts the moment. 

you nod towards the door as he stood up slowly to reveal the same housekeeping girl. she cleaned up the bathroom and wardrobe quietly as the two of you stood awkwardly in the small space. she had left the sheets since everyone was practically stuck in, anyway.

haechan nudges you toward the door with a shove, shooting the same housekeeping girl a small smile and a bow as an apology to the previous run-in.

"he confessed his feelings?" she inquired softly, noticing the tear marks on your face.

you bit your lip, "yeah."

"that's good, he's finally not a coward." she laughs, folding the used towels and placing them with her.

you leaned against the door, asking for an explanation with your puzzled look.

"he was someone i liked, before. we had classes back in high school. it was just a dumb crush, honestly." the housekeeping girl shrugs, resting her head on her fist in thought.

"i think he liked me, and i did too, but we didn't do much except for exchange looks and flirt because both of us were just too scared." she shakes her head and adjusts the disinfectant spray bottle, fidgeting with the nozzle.

"i'm glad he had enough courage to admit his feelings." 

nodding along to her statement, she bids you farewell as her figure fades with each step, leaving you with a sense of calmness to the end of this situation.

[day 38]

"is... is this okay?" haechan asks, arm hovering over your body while waiting for your confirmation. you smile and nod, sinking into his side as you venture in the third season of stranger things together. 

"don't you think we should be working on our articles?" you whisper, looking up at him from where you were with raised eyebrows.

the boy opens and closes his mouth in thought, gesturing to the television with an exaggerated expression. 

"stranger things, ma'am."

you click your tongue and sigh with a smile, turning back to the show as you try to relax for an online interview in a few hours.

[day 39]

"what do you say about my set-up?" haechan nudges you, proud of the hangout area he prepared on the balcony. although small, he had no trouble making it look comfortable. 

with a smile, you pop open the wine to celebrate the last scheduled interview for the trip, clinking glasses with haechan in the setting sun.

the country you were supposed to return to was slowly opening up flights for those stranded overseas and as refreshing as a different environment was, you missed home and the warmness of it.

you missed the office and your desk. hell, you even missed the mediocre coffee from the pantry.

with the last of the wine finishing, haechan pours half into your glass and the other into his, clinking one last time before you one-shot the beverage.

the high of the alcohol is gradually brought down by the mellow atmosphere and colours of twilight. as pink and orange cross over on the horizon, haechan mumbles a low "c'mere" to you in the darkness.

you hum in response and get up from your seat, bringing a pillow with you as haechan shifts to make space. sinking naturally into his arms, you sigh while you try to contain a smile full of content.

"this is nice," you admit, the corners of your lips disobeying your command, prompting you to shoot him a smile. haechan nods against your hair, a comfortable arm around your waist while you trace the tan skin of his arm.

the other taps your waist repeatedly, turning in response as he whispers out a question that makes your heart melt.

"can i kiss you?" you grin, slipping a hand around his neck and pulling him in right away. haechan's caught by surprise, laughing into your lips and striving to savour the moment as much as he could. 

a shout from across the hotel distracts you from the kiss. looking up, you realise it was the apartment resident opposite you shooting you a 'rock on' gesture.

"you guys are not fighting anymore! congrats!" you both stifle a snort as you wave back to the resident, sighing in relief when their balcony door slides shut.

"should we go inside, m'lady?" haechan giggles, replying in the form of a nod, cleaning up the area while you head in.

[day 41]

"i didn't think they'd be letting flights in so early," you mumble, folding your clothes neatly as your vision shifts to haechan... shoving his fair share of apparel into his luggage.

"donghyuck... what the hell?" you roll your eyes, shoving the boy softly as you took over the task at hand. switching personalities almost immediately, haechan fakes an interview segment with exaggerated tones.

"see, everyone, this is how you convince someone to do the work for you," the boy lays on the bed with a satisfied expression, "now i don't have to do anyth- ow!"

"if we ever live together, maybe i should punish you by doing the laundry and then folding it," you grunt, working at the speed faster than you expected while you fold shirt after shirt.

"are you proposing we move in together?" haechan peeks through an open eye, curiosity dripping from his tone. he tried to feign nonchalance but awaiting your answer felt like a weight on his heart.

your next words lifted that weight, a seemingly invisible force bringing his upper body off the bed as he stares at you in shock.

"maybe, not now but... in the future, maybe," you mumble the last part, focusing on the clothes to prevent the male from seeing the fluster on your face.

"for real?" haechan sits up, biting his lip to contain his excitement as your confirmation. 

"we'll be all stupidly domestic and shit, and i'll say i love you five years from now before you go off for work if you want that and stuff," your voice goes lower and quieter, especially towards the end, biting off way more than you could chew.

"aw! i love you too!" haechan gushes, bringing you into an embrace as your hands go limp, scrambling to explain your emphasis on the 'future'.

"d-donghyuck, i meant the future, not now..." you manage to spit out, hoping you need not answer his queries any more. your mind blanks out at the current situation, wishing you hadn't said those dumb things.

he grins into your neck, "i know, i'm just answering for future me."

you groan and escape the hug with a roll of your eyes, "yuck, too cheesy!" the boy just lets out a laugh, watching the way you fold his clothes despite your initial annoyance.

[day 42]

suyeon switches between the two of you in disbelief, finger crooked at the ambiguity of "we like each other".

"wha-" suyeon doesn't get the chance to finish the sentence before you shoot her a thumbs up, grabbing haechan by the arm and your stuff with the other.

you were happy to leave the office after a quick debrief since you two had reported to the office right after arriving at the airport, relieved when you heard he'd spare a few more days for your articles to be cleaned up.

"so, (y/n), what would you like to do now?" haechan looks at you through the reflective material of the elevator, observing the nervous wringing of your fingers.

you're glad for the material protecting your face because there's a smile that you struggle to keep as his soft, gentle voice carries through the quiet space.

the anxiety ends when the lift sounds, prompting your eyes to trail down his arm. your hand moves on its own accord, grabbing his last finger with yours as you proceed into the lift sheepishly, not missing the way haechan's eyes show his bright smile behind the mask.

"maybe i'll get to know you more, lee donghyuck."

haechan lets out a gasp, "have you not learned about me enough? scandalous." 

you feign a punch in his direction, the luggage beside you tripping over its wheels due to your swift movement. the only response you get is a giggle from the other as he tightens his pinky around yours, pressing a soft kiss to your cheek right above your face mask just as the elevator doors open.

"man, i really do want to punch you now," you mutter as you let haechan lead you, wanting nothing more than to rest in the arms of your enemy-turned-friend? enemy-turned-someoneyoulike?

you weren’t exactly sure.

he doesn't answer during the walk to the main road, nor the ride back to your home, the only constant thing being the way he admires your profile in the taxi, shrugging when you counter with a playful "what?". 

"nothing," haechan grins.

[there are more days to come]

sure, day forty-one may not have been the day you fell in love with haechan, nor the day where he outwardly claims you as his lover.

but, taking it slow never hurt anyone, either.

you know it in the way he tells you he can't go in unless he's invited and you see it in the way he asks if he can switch the television on while you prepare some drinks.

like the hotel, you know it in the way he asks if he can kiss you and the way he deepens his kisses with caution.

you appreciate it in the way he quickly apologises for a personal question, while visibly relaxing as you brush it off with a smile.

with hours pass, day forty-two becomes day forty-three, and haechan remains as chivalrous as always.

days pass, and you submit your articles. weeks pass, and you get to know the boy more and more. months pass, and you feel his love in the way he plays with your fingers in the dark and pulls you close under the sheets.

even if you hadn't acknowledged the love between the two of you, that note you wrote half-drunk matched the way you felt now—with how your heart clenches up and with how your grin never leaves your face with haechan around.

there are more days to come with lee haechan, lee donghyuck, even if it meant getting stuck together in a hotel room with unsaid words.

[mugentakeda]

SOME EXTRA STUFF I FORGOT TO ADD IN THE NOTES i pulled an all nighter and im completely insane my bad

-the bandage face look is inspired by killer from one piece (specifically his wano look)!!!! lots of one piece inspiration in my atla art I KNOWWWWW. its mental illness i cant help it

-the "pseudo father-son dynamic" i speak of is one half of two parts of their dynamic. long feng balances "parent-child" with "boss-bodyguard" equally, because that balance will keep lu ten exactly how long feng wants him to be: 1. professionally subservient in the way a student should be with their master, easier to accept harsh punishments without severing the trust or making lu ten afraid of long feng. being reprimanded by your boss is different and more disconnected than being reprimanded by your parent. 2. the father-son parts are what keep the leash short, and what keep lu ten a practiced, steady, few paces behind long feng, willingly. in that way, long fengs thought process is kind of similar to ozais- except he actually does reward lu ten with affection rather than dangling it over his head like ozai does with azula and zuko. the easily given affection is (unsurprisingly) more effective than dangling it over his head.

(if i HAD to compare it to anything, id say silco and jinx, but like. if silco was just horrible and evil. because he actually did love jinx. but when long feng and lu ten are casual and shit on any other thursday afternoon, think silco and jinx esque.)

-specific dai li agents are trained to perform the brainwashing, but long feng has a secret group of actual scientists that come up with the shit and improve on it. the head scientist has a weird rivalry with long feng despite being loyal to him, mostly because he knows that if lu ten poses a true danger to long feng then long feng will just dispose of him, and the head scientist sees lu ten as the teams proudest work that continues to shine. pieces of work like that dont deserve to just get tossed out like trash.

-the "punishments" are basically just torture that long feng has successfully warped lu ten into seeing as tests of endurance. they gradually get worse and more creative as time goes on, even if the mistake this time wasnt as bad as the last one. eventually lu ten is basically just waking up the next day for work at the ass crack of dawn after surviving a saw trap the night before. and mind you this went on for 6 years. lu tens Least reoccurring favorite is probably The Hook. there are Many reasons why iroh would be so out of his mind over all of this

-lu tens brainwashing does a falter at the first sight of iroh. The reason in the comic why lu ten even showed up was because the firebender in him sensed their inner flame, and followed them, but ended up doing a double take when he actually Saw his dad. i think what would actually be the first big crack in the glacier of shit in his head would be long feng trying to attack zuko, because thats instinct that his body and heart know and always will, even if his brain doesnt.

-im still at loss for how id approach the azula part of this??? i hc that azula was VERY close with lu ten. like close as in he changed her diapers more than ursa, inspired her and continues to inspire her, etc. i think azula would actually kill long feng for this if iroh didnt already beat him to death in any case which would be very awesome of her but who knows. im not a fic writer

i saw fanart for this age old unfinished fic and was so interested by the premise that i simply HAD to give the concept my own spin.... Ill put my notes under the cut cus it got kinda long lol

-FIRST OF ALL. i headcanon lu ten as a powerful firebender (like, lightning bending powerful. not an expert at it yet, but can generate it at will. only recently picked it up before the siege.) that can Also use a weapon. he picked it up for funsies and ended up taking it seriously and then excelling. he learned under piandao and in turn later introduced him to zuko. His weapon that he made with piandao was a more traditional jogekama yari, which he had on him when he was captured. long feng destroyed it and had a new jogekama yari made for lu ten in a more sleek earth kingdom style, with longer and more savage blades. **ALSO: lu tens jogekama yari is based on saras yari from samurai champloo!!!! i just made the side blades curved in opposite directions (which made it a jogekama instead of saras type of yari) -lu ten does not interact with the other agents. whether brainwashed or amnesic in this, hes not even one of the secret police that go around arresting people. hes a lone agent that works Directly under long feng and is more of an assassin and spy thats permitted in and out of ba sing se for the missions and jobs long feng sends him on, unlike the rest of the agents. as a gift for his (made up) birthday, long feng gave him a hand carved stone earring. Yes, its a tracker. yes, lu ten knows that. No, he doesn't care and wears it anyway. his boss can do what he wants, and he trusts his boss with his life (lol). the other dai li agents know of lu tens existence, less have seen him with their own eyes, none are permitted to speak to him if they do. they dont know hes a "nonbender". -i havent decided on whether or not i want lu ten brainwashed in this or simply amnesic?? it would be neat if he was the brainwash soft launch since the ba sing se conspiracy brainwashing only started After the siege. lu ten is a firebender, has that fn royalty brand iron willpower, so youd think thats hard to brainwash especially if he was the soft launch, but if long feng kept up the sessions regularly over the course of 6-ish years (and as their brainwashing techniques improved), id doubt it would rub off. its a seven layer salad of brainwashing. and even if he was amnesic rather than brainwashed, theyd still need to do some adjustments in lu tens head to TOTALLY wipe out any idea of firebending, on top of regular chi blocking. -as for the amnesic part, i read a theory that introduced the idea that lu ten being killed was an inside job orchestrated by ozai. which i dont think would be canon, but it would be pretty cool?? like especially considering how FAST he jumped on azulon about heirs. very suspicious indeed. and all too convenient: have a group of moles set in irohs army, once lu ten moves out away from iroh then corner him, kill him, make it look like the earth army did it, sneak back to the fire nation, ozai gets the crown. easy as pie. -and to combine one of MY OWN aus with the above, aka the one where zhao and lu ten were both taught together under jeong jeong, the first time that zhao REALLY made a big move into ozais pocket was offering to be the head mole in irohs army. it made perfect sense to ozai, and he gladly sent zhao on his way- him being close rivals with him will catch him off guard and make the job far easier. and if zhao succeeds, and KEEPS succeeding, when ozai undoubtedly snatches the crown, he will grant zhao all the rewards and titles he could ever want until the cows come home. snazzy deal.

so whichever one of those you guys find cooler will be the one i go with because frankly both of them have the same amount of fun angst and drama idk......................

-as for lu tens face and arm, i base that off how i think lu ten died, not even gna lie. in the case where he is dead i think half his skull got crushed open and his arm was blown right off from the bicep. the stitches are just for aesthetic purposes. i was inspired by how scars are drawn in one piece, and because they give a "frankensteins monster" type look, which i found fitting, since this is a 'came back wrong' trope/winter soldier-esque au. the bandages covering his face was a suggestion from an anxious long feng to hide his face in public, while the ba sing se conspiracy was still fresh and the citizens might recognize the spawn of the dragon of the west if they looked long enough.

-as for lu ten and long fengs relationship, i havent thought about it enough, but im definitely imagining smthn along the lines of "you were always working for me, i picked you up and trained you when you had nothing, you owe me your life and loyalty", mixed with some gentle stockholm syndrome. like, a combination of "the king and his most loyal guard dog", a very strange psuedo father-son relationship??? (which was honestly accidental on long fengs part. but he kept it up because he found the irony amusing. yes he will try and rub that in irohs face. yes iroh will beat his skull in for it. its chill)

-this has nothing to do with the au but please see iroh and zukos body language in the third panel of the comic... i love to portray them as protective of each other... zukos blade placed before iroh, irohs arm switching from shoulder to shoulder as zuko turns, always placed between him and whatever is approaching... Heurghhh (GRIPS HEAD

[goldenites]

sad vibes man

cw uuuuh existential bullshit and general depression

ive just been really going through it lately my mental health has never been on the up and up i mean i was pretty content and happy most days in college i felt really good about being productive and i didnt have really any friends but i just plain like being around other people even if i dont talk to them i feed off knowing there are other regular people around me living their lives i just like being part of a crowd even if theres no other commonalities between us

but now im 25 and i feel like such a loser i have nothing to show for it i have nothing but a college degree i have basically nothing else to show for being an adult its rough man i feel like ive wasted so much time and for what who am i what do i contribute to anything i dont believe in the capitalist idea of productivity but i dont like just hanging around at home not interacting with people and not giving to other people

i feel like i chose art because its something ive always been good at and its something ive always done and i love making art but is that a good reason to have an art degree or try to build a career off it? i just feel like maybe i fucked up big time and now i have nothing to show for it other than being 25 and basically a loser i hate being a burden on other people and knowing i have to rely on others to support me

so ive taken a big mental hit i mean its been building up for a while ive felt this internal timer ticking down in my brain ever since i graduated and that was years ago now theres nothing im counting down to i just feel like i need to have something anything to really show that i didnt make a huge mistake and im not just a burden on those around me

i dont really talk about it a whole lot with anyone but im a pretty spiritual person i mean i dont like to say that i or anyone knows for certain what life is about or if we have souls or whatever but i feel like theres got to be something mystical about life? anyway im starting to feel like all my spiritual beliefs are just bullshit and maybe im wasting my time on that too ive spent so long studying spiritual concepts maybe this is dumb but feeling my faith in that sort of stuff crumbling is really scary for me i always felt that if nothing else at least my inner self is separate from this outer world like the I Am of my mind isnt determined by what happens outside of me but now im feeling like im wrong and actually everything i use to comfort myself is just a bunch of bullshit like everyone says

idk ive always coped by going inside myself and that hasnt always been good bc ill check out of reality and go into my own mind for hours just to escape things i dont want to think about so ive always felt really disconnected from what happens outside of me bc im never fully engaged and its always something ive worried about bc i dont want there to be this layer between me and everyone or everything else ive lived so long connected more with my own thoughts than with anything happening outside of me to the point i dont know if i can fully be in the moment i dont know what that means because im always half in my own fantasies or ideas of the future

i guess its just been building up inside my mind for a while and since i cope with disengaging ive been stuck in a loop of my own thoughts for months on end i feel crazy and delusional and just plain sick of my own company im sick of being me i wish i was someone else i havent felt this way in a long time but i just wish i wasnt stuck with myself 24/7 im sick of this bitch shes insane

i feel gullible and dumb that i would believe spiritual bullshit like manifesting and assumptions and thoughts crafting reality bc its comforting to think that maybe i have some control over things that ive always been told are outside of anyones grasp i hate having to give up control to anything i have always felt this anxiety to have full control over my body and my circumstances bc i dont want to be a victim to the things outside of me i just feel like OF COURSE someone so mentally unstable would believe stuff like this bc im already living in my own fantasies and i just feel like,,,, idk everyone else has such a better grasp on life everyone else is doing things right and im constantly fucking up im not doing something right im not making this work everyone else is able to be an adult and i still feel 14 i feel like everyone SEES me as 14 like im some kid incapable of fully having control of my life

its scary im not a kid im an adult i should know how to do this i should be able to stand on my own two feet but i just cant im not doing something right im not being the person i should be

i hope it gets better thats all i have i hope please please please that something will get better i need something to really live for i cant keep living like this im not suicidal or anything ive never really been the type thats able to hurt myself i just need to have something to wake up for i just hope my future self is doing better than i am right now thats all i want

[0ystercatcher]

But what is the problem with women criticizing birth control as being patriarchal? I’ve always disagreed w/ you about this but I just saw you bring it up again and I’m not understanding your points

oh i have 0 issues with women criticizing birth control, theres many things abt it that are criticizable and i encourage women to speak out abt those. I just do not think that birth control having the flaws often brought up inherently makes it partriarchal or, the way ive seen it phrased, "patriarchy personified". i also dont think sying "birth control is poison" is a fair critique of its v real problems. to be clear, im talking abt hormonal birth control, w more focus on the pill bc thats what i know most about/have more experience with, but afaik some of this applies to non hormonal methods as well.

My point here is that any critique on birth control, the way it was created and the way it exists today, cannot be disconnected from the society we live in (capitalist, patriarchal, racist, etc.) as well as the effects BC has had in it. I know the history of it is horrible and fucked up and i wish it wasnt, but this is not something we can change at this point, so it seems useless to me to veto BC based on that. I also understand (and agree!) when women criticize the way BC is over-prescribed and treated as a "cure all" by doctors in some countries, thats just bad medicine, smth we are subjected to too often. Also, yes, the way BC - like many other things related to medicine related to the female body specifically - has been left aside and not "updated" or improved on in any particularily significant ways (can we get fucking rid of those insane side effects please??) is annoying and another symptom of a society that undermines our health issues. Like, even though weve developed other non hormonal methods of BC, they are bound to the same limtations medicine for women has had for decades, ie little research, little understanding of our endocrine systems, little funding, little care for womens health, etc. These are absolutely consequences of a patriarchal world in which we are not seen as equally human, but under that logic we'd have to start arguing that all of womens medicine developed until now is "patriarchy personified" and "poisonous" and while theres def some points to be made wrt those ideas, its honestly a useless critique of them and leads us nowhere. Like, what, do we restart womens medicine from scratch? Whats the next step after "birth control is patriarchal". I also dont think its fair to act like BC is patriarchal bc men can use it to control us, in terms of, treating it as an expectation women need to carry out with while in a relationship, or taking advantage of it to pressure women to have unprotected sex. That is not a problem inherent in BC, its men grasping at every chance they get to treat and use women like objects. So like, what next??

Even though women have been (up until fairly recently basically) left aside by modern medical, anatomical research, etc., and what little exists of those useful discoveries and medicine can be used as Tools for men to maintain power over us, are some of those advances made still....not useful? Because they were developed in a patriarchal society? Organ transplants were developed w some pretty questionable ethics and still have fairly high risks and can also be used as a source of profit, and yet despite that i think the conclusion isnt "organ transplants r unethical and will kill you", bc they have saved millions of lives. I know its not the closest comparison but my point is, despite everything surrounding it, its undeniable to say BC has had incredibly positive effects on women as a whole, despite neglected individual side effects and a poor understanding of why it affects some women badly and not others (which as i said is connected to systemic issues that arent unique to BC). BC can have shit side effects, a pretty vile history, and yet it can still be responsible for allowing women to join the workforce like never before giving us so much more independance in society, and be able to control when, how and how many (if any) children to have. That alone is something women have never been able to do at this scale, this accurately, ever before in history. Unwanted pregnancies and maternal mortality plummet after BC becomes accesible in p much every country (tbf i dont think its the sole factor but its definitely one of them lmao). You can argue it can be and has been used as a tool for the patriarchy (and lets not forget, capitalism), but thats always going to be the case with every form of birth control or family planning method ever, just because we still live in a sexist misogynistic society and as such just saying "BC bad bc patriarchy" is just...kind of useless criticism and stating smth obvious.

And really, what are the alternatives. Do we go off BC just to one up men who will still exploit us whether we do or we dont? Do we need to go back to tracking our natural cycles to avoid pregnancy just so men start taking responsibility and magically stop "accidentally" getting us pregnant bc they dont want a kid theyre not going to bear anyways? Didnt dworkin write a whole book abt how doing that kinda shit just does not work out for us?? Should we rely on men to always wear condoms and act like stealthing isnt a massive, horribly common problem? Like, lmao, im not abt to act like BC is "feminist" or whatever bc thats dumb and a useless thing to say, but the reality simply is that BC has allowed millions of women around the world a chance to decide and stay true to their life plans, its lifted the weight and a lot of the fear of a potentially unplanned, maybe even forced pregnancy on sexually active women. For many of us, it has put the power to keep ourselves from having babies in our hands instead of in mens. Doesnt that get us a few steps closer to yknow, the big feminist goal of body autonomy for all women?? I just dont think its fair to take a very reasonable and necessary convo of "BC needs to be improved along w our knowledge of womens health" and turn it into "BC is patriarchal bc men can take advantage of it". The latter is just not BC's fault, as usual its just men treating us like objects lmao.