#im so ashamed of him and the situation that i cant even talk about in therapy i dont know why im tyoing all of this in a tumblr post that m

[gardenerofstars]

literally why does leaving people that cause you literally so much harm hurt so much

[eustasskidagenda]

omg hi hi! i adore your writing so much :3! if its alright with you, could i get headcanons for how crocodile, law, kid, and ace would be with an autistic s/o who loves to infodump, but is nervous to do so. theres always this odd bit of shame that accompanies infodumping for me because i get so excited i cant properly articulate myself *lays down* its just a mess of stimming, stuttering, and laughing at my own jokes. i feel embarrassed after, even if its totally an illogical response. im unsure if you write for autistic y/n so feel free to ignore this if you dont. thank you so much <33

☆Crocodile, Law, Kid & Ace with an autistic s/o who loves to info dump 

Hello, dear anon! I'm not used to write autistic y/n, because I don't know enough about this and I wouldn't like to be harmful. However, the situation you're describing is something close to ADHD, which I know well. So I've made some additional researches to be sure and come up with something, I hope you will like it. Thank you for your request, it was a sweet one ♡

CW : g/n reader, slight curses for Kid, fluff 

WC : Around 1,500 words

Crocodile 

Crocodile doesn't talk much, he's always serious and quiet. It's just that he's often thinking about his business and plans. But he's a good observer and would immediately notice if you want to say something but are too nervous to do it. He knows you perfectly, so he would recognize the way you're fidgeting.

He's a man with good manners, so his first reflex would be to lock the door and make sure no one can enter and destabilize you. When it's done, he will point his chair towards you.

"Sit. I'm listening, y/n." 

Actually, he likes hearing you speak during hours. He knows it's a way to express your love and feelings. He's flattered that you want to share your world with him. Go ahead and speak, he will listen. Even if he's just nodding or commenting short sentences in response, he has a good memory and will remember everything you said to him. 

If you're talking too fast and start to get really flustered, he will let you know that you're speaking too fast, like 'y/n, what did you just say?' 

Your hyper-focus and info-dumping are appreciated by Crocodile because he enjoys learning new things and you're a source of knowledge. Maybe he's impassive and struggles to express his feelings, but sometimes you will hear him talk about what he learned with you, so clearly he listened to every single word. 

"Don't be ashamed, it was interesting. Can we talk more about this specific point?" 

If you say something that he is really curious about, he has no shame asking for more. It's a way for him to express his genuine care for you. For him, it's a way to prove to you that even though he's always quiet, he cares.

Law

Law is similar to Crocodile in his lack of emotional expression and limited speech. He is always busy, struggling with his parasitic thoughts and taking care of his patients. Finding some private time with you is a challenge for him. 

If you run into Law with excitement about your passion or new hyper-focus, he may feel embarrassed because it's not the perfect time for him. Autism is something he knows about, and he is an intelligent and educated man. And, he wants to make you feel safe and comfortable. 

"I'll be yours in a moment, y/n-ya."

He has a complete understanding of you and is an excellent observer. The way you're already blushing, fidgeting, and swallowing nervously. He can even hear your heart racing. So first thing first, he will tell you to take a deep breath. After all, he’s a doctor. 

"What do you wanna talk about?" 

As Crocodile, he's a great listener. When you're full of passion and excitement, he thinks you're cute. He likes the sound of your voice. He loves when you want to find him and talk about your passion, because you're offering him a break from his work. If you weren't there, he would be stuck either in work or in his own head. When he's with you, he can forget about his dream of avenging. You're his safe place, truly. 

He doesn't speak a lot. But he is listening.M and asks questions from time to time.

"Yn-ya, there's been no urge. Take your time." And if you're stuttering a lot, he would just say nothing because it's pointless to make a remark, as long as he can understand what you're saying, he will never say something about your elocution. 

"That's interesting, where did you learn that much?" 

Law is a curious and intelligent man, so he likes to learn more about almost everything. If it can help him with his plans or maybe his patients, it might even be beneficial for him.

During your bedtime together, he would ask you to talk about your passions. The way you talk and laugh is like his own lullaby. When you speak, he can find inner peace because it shuts down all the voices in his head. He might fall asleep sometimes when he feels tired. It's just that you're providing him with some relief. When he wakes up, he would be deeply sorry. "So, yesterday, you stopped at this precise point… what were you trying to say after?"

Kid 

Kid is so goddamn loud. And really passionate. He's focused on his goal of becoming the next PK and has loved mechanics and robotics since childhood. He would be aggressively sweet, like frowning when he notices how stressed and nervous you act towards him. "Hey, Y/N, why are you so fucking nervous? Just speak" 

He thinks you're cute with your cheeks all red. On the flip side, he's a bit confused. Why are you nervous? Is it his fault? He knows he's loud, hard to love and rough, but he cares about people he likes. Have you seen how he acts with Killer and his crew? He loves his people. 

And, as a punk, Kid is marginalized. He knows a lot about being different, and if you feel ashamed about it, he can understand. "Come on y/n, let's find a private place" 

Grab your wrist in an aggressive yet sweet way and lead you to his workshop or bedroom. He sits you on the bed with his arms crossed and eyebrows raised. "Now we're alone." 

So, you start talking nervously. It doesn't matter if the topic is interesting to him or not, he will listen. Because as I said, Kid is a passionate. Everything can be made interesting by passionate people. So, yeah, talk about birds, cakes, plushies, or anything stuck in your head. He will like it. And he enjoys the sound of your voice. He’s even flattered to be your special someone, the one you’re looking for when you need to talk. It fuels his ego and pride.

He will deal with your stuttering as he deals with Killer's laugh. He'll shut up and smash all the people making fun of you if there's something you hate about yourself. You're his s/o, no one can laugh at you and continue to live without facing his rage.

"Goddamn, slow down" yes, not the best with kindness, but at least he's paying attention. 

He wouldn't help but think you're really cute, with your eyes shining as you finally manage to relax and express how passionate you are. He understands your excitement because when he talks about robots, music, punk or weapons, he's exactly the same. 

Kid is not the most culturally advanced, it depends on the topic. He enjoys learning new things thanks to you or Killer, it's important for him to be credible, and he hates looking inferior in front of others. 

"See, there was no reason to be that nervous" When you finished speaking.

Just poke your cheek, grin and leave a mark of lipstick on your front-head before returning to his activities and yelling proudly to everyone he knows everything about the subject you just info-dump about.

Ace

The sweetest. Ace's personality is both compassionate and protective. He grew up with Luffy, so passionate and talkative people are something he knows a lot about. As he's proud of his brother, he's proud of you and can listen to everything you say for hours. 

"Y/N, is there something wrong?" 

Yeah, he would immediately notice that you're starting to get nervous. His first reflex is to find a more private place, if that's not already the case. He wants to do everything to make you feel safe and loved. If it's winter or just cold, he would even use his DF to warm the room. As soon as you're all comfortable, he'll run his fingers through your hair. "You know I will always listen." 

Ace doesn't speak a lot about what's on his mind. He's way too stubborn and always struggles with guilt due to the blood running through his veins. So he enjoys having someone like you. Your voice is soothing him, and he loves how passionate and honest you are always. 

For him, it's even amazing and unreal to have someone talk to him. You're treating him like a normal human and not a failure, because he feels like it often: unloved, unwanted and unworthy.

"Sweetie, you don't have to rush, we have the time, I'll always listen" if you start to speak too fast.

Would entwine his fingers with yours when you're stuttering and laugh heartily at your jokes. You remind him of his dear little brother. He feels lucky to have you by his side. 

"I could listen for hours." And he's totally honest.

If someone makes fun of you, he's truly mad. You are as significant to him as his brother or Whitebeard. And if someone makes fun of his loved-one, Ace is merciless and really impulsive.

"Please, say more about this specific point!", "Oh, really, that's so funny?" He wants to make you talk even more. Until you're finally relaxed and able to speak without stuttering, blushing, or anything else. He doesn't mind it, even if it lasts for hours. Once you're done, he has his usual sweet smile on his face. "That was so interesting, why are you so embarrassed?" 

So you explain to him that you feel embarrassed about your info dump because you're afraid to annoy people or talk too fast etc." It's alright, you won't bother me." 

You're his sunshine. He feels loved with you. He feels more than just the son of someone; he's just Ace, and that's the most beautiful thing in the world for him.

Such a sweet boy. ♡

[eepywriters]

I LOVED YOUR MESSAGES WITH QUACKITY ❤️❤️❤️

please do getting into an agrument with quackity headcanons please 🙏🏻🙏🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻😙😙🫣‼️💕💕🩷🩷

.✦°. • getting into an argument hcs (*´Д｀*)

warnings: a bit of angst and maybe a bit ooc? I tried 😞🤚🏻

a/n: HIII!! THANK U SO MUCH! It means a lot :D and sorry if it took so long ｡ﾟ(ﾟ´Д｀ﾟ)ﾟ｡ finals kicked my ass so I couldn’t write for a while BUT IM HERE SO LET’S GET INTO IT

EARLY INTO THE RELATIONSHIP

(thinking of a young, little experienced Alex)

Oh it’s jover

This could actually be something that could cause a breakup cuz let me tell you THIS MAN just can’t stand confrontation

If it’s something that bugged you, he’d probably understand your point of view but would also be very overwhelmed at the thought of losing you cause he hasn’t been good enough for you, resulting in him hyper focusing on his spiraling thoughts rather than listening to what you are saying

I feel like he’d also be the type to act like nothing happened right after an argument; he’d ignore the tense situation and make jokes to light up the mood and forget about it. He’s not dense, he knows it hurts you to see him seemingly ignore your feelings like that, but he’s not used to being listened so he ends up making his partner go trough his predicament as well

BUT it’s even worse if it’s something that bugged HIM; he probably wouldn’t tell you about it, much preferring to suck it up and don’t cause problems, even though he IS creating more problems

the underlying tension caused by his silence would bring the relationship to a breaking point:

1 you break up and the regret eats him up (probably also wouldn’t reach out again because of shame and a tiny bit of ego)

2 you talk about it cause it can’t go on like this

When I talk about bugging tho, I’m thinking about things that don’t surge an immediate reaction from him, because if he’s mad, he’s mad.

He’s the venomous type, forget his silence and self pity, he’ll probably laugh in your face in irritation and say whatever the fuck he thinks

He’ll retreat to his office as soon as he sees the hurt in your face, understanding he went to far and going back to he’s usual silence, ending up giving you the silence treatment. (he also feels incredibly ashamed) (he’ll just stay in his office all day, editing mindlessly since his mind is anywhere but in the work he’s doing)

He’ll either leave you alone in bed that day, making you sulk and feel as lonely as ever, or will sleep with you but it’ll be the coldest shit ever (like the typical movie scene where two people sleep super afar from each other)

Don’t misunderstand tho, he does feel guilty, he just struggles with communicating his feelings properly (*´ー｀*)

“(Name) I’m not a child, stop acting like you are my fucking mom” he spat, a look of indignation spreading on his features, shaping his otherwise gentle appearance into a strong, furious one.

“Cant you understand that I’m worried about you?” you strike back, jaw impossibly tightened “I understand that you’re very dedicated to your job, but you can’t get yourself to this state.” You sigh, not able to keep up the mad act: “You look very tired Alex”.

You take a tentative step towards him, determined to show him you weren’t scolding him, nor were you mad at him. You were trying to establish contact with him, not start a fight, after all your irritation came from worry, not anger. But he didn’t receive that well. His brows scrunching even further while his mouth twitches downwards.

“Stop acting like I’m some fucking rabid animal. I can take care of myself just fine, I don’t need a fucking babysitter”.

Seems that wasn’t the right move.

The way he was saying your name was probably what hurt the most. You find yourself missing the gentle tone he usually reserved to it when spoken.

“What are you even saying?” you breathe out, your voice being so fragile you almost don’t recognize it as your own. “Do you hear what you are saying? You are being impossible Alex”.

At this point his foot is stomping nervously on the floor. He’s getting annoyed by the minute and he can’t wait to forget about this tense situation. Arguments always put him on edge, but instead of working on the root cause of his discomfort, he always had preferred to just get himself out of the mess as soon as possible. (He hadn’t yet grasped how much that could hurt others). And that’s why, out of everything he could’ve gone, he replied with the one of the most uncalled for things he could ever come up with.

“Maybe instead of worrying about me, you should take a good look at yourself first”.

And you know what he was trying to entail.

You were never insecure of your dark circles, or at least, it wasn’t something that bugged you on the daily ever since you had found a common ground with Alex, knowing he struggled with very prominent circles cause of his lack of sleep. But for someone like him, who always had a hard time with his appearance, to clap back at you by going for your looks? Foul. Unexpected. Not like him at all.

You were sure he could tell from the look of disbelief on your face that he had fucked up.

Alex’s breathing keeps up, his chest constricts, and the anger and the pride that he has wearing like a tailored suit are stripped out of him at the sight of your frown. His mind goes haywire trying to come up with any response.

Maybe if you would’ve known him better by then, you would’ve known how terrified he was of your judgment. Even though his fame often had him deal with horrible comments filled with free hate, if judgement came from you, it scarred 100 times more than anything could ever do.

“Just leave it be, I’m fine” it’s all he mutters before booking it and hiding himself in his office, leaving you to stand there, in the middle of your living room.

Tears prickle your eyes, threatening to fall at any moment and your lip begs you for mercy as you bite into it.

God, why was communicating so difficult in this house?

LONG INTO THE RELATIONSHIP

It took time, it took healing, it took sitting down and TALKING to finally find your balance

He’s still pretty much venomous when it comes to immediate triggers, but after you are both done fighting and cursing each other out, you talk about it and come out of it somewhat unscathed

Anger isn’t easy to control or refrain after all, but you both try your best, and you are able to make up most of the times without falling into old dynamics of silent treatment or isolation

If something bugs him, he most likely will tell you; he is hesitant about it, but after many nights spent in your arms, he starts to let go on some of his biggest worries (anxiety still gnaws at his core every time he opens his mouth though, that doesn’t get old at all)

If something bugs you, he doesn’t shy away from confrontation anymore; he’s not perfect at it either, he still feels the urge to run away and laugh about it all, but he’s gotten way better at it

He’s still very scared of you having a negative opinion about him, but now you know him well enough to spend some extra time to reassure him that you won’t stop loving him for a petty fight, and that arguments in relationship are important to grow not only as a couple, but as people too

“(Name)” he calls out, and you instantly recognize the hint of anxiety that he’s trying to hide from you.

“Yes honey?” you reply, taking your eyes off your phone to stare into his pretty, brown ones. They screamed stress, fear, yet also determination. He did so much progress compared to the beginnings of your relationship. You were proud of him.

Alex took a deep breath before saying: “Uhm, It’s about the photo of us you posted earlier”. You could practically smell the tension in the air. His body is stiff, his chest is heaving, but your gaze is captured by his fingers and by how his nails are digging into them continuously, tearing his already red skin.

You take his hands in yours, preventing him from doing further damage to his poor, abused fingers. You knew he does it as a way to ground himself, but he really needed to find a new coping method - one that didn’t feature him torturing his body if possible.

He stares at his hands in yours for a while. You don’t say anything, allowing him to take his time.

“Okay fuck it” Alex whispers under his breath, so quietly you almost miss it.

“It makes me feel insecure, I don’t like it” he admits, keeping his focus on your hands as he munches his bottom lip nervously. You, in response, draw slow circles on his hands, offering him a gentle smile.

“Can you delete it..?” he sounds unsure, like he’s testing the waters instead of actually making a request. Either way you welcome it.

You put one of your fingers under his chin, gently applying pressure for him to lift his head, just enough to look at you. “Of course I can. Thank you for telling me Alex, I know it’s hard”. His once tense body relaxes.

He avoids your tender gaze, seemingly preferring to stare at the floor, yet you see the soft blush that was quickly taking over his cheeks. You also can’t help but notice that he already had found his charming smile back.

“Stop looking at me like that” he mumbles as his smile spreads. Uh oh, that can only mean trouble.

“Like what” your eyes narrow, not trusting his new found confidence.

“Like this”.

His imitation is pitiful: furrowed eyebrows, small frown and large puppy dog eyes. The more you look at him, the more he reminds you of that one emo guy that kind of looks like him (he definitely does). He looks ridiculous. How did you even fall in love with this dude?

You slap his arm, scoffing out a laugh as you look at him incredulous: “I don’t look like that!”.

“I think you do” he says with a smug tone, one that makes you want to hit him with a pillow till he goes back to sleep. And maybe you just will.

“Oh it’s on you motherf-“

The room was filled with laughter instead of unconfortable, loud silence.

(first post of 2024 yippiee)

[strawglicks]

i genuinely cant believe how insecure and almost saddening graham's ending cutscene is. im so serious

Graham's IMMEDIATE reaction to losing is trying to project onto the toons. Instead of admitting defeat, he tries to twist the situation to make it seem like the toons are the ones who've lost the battle.

The fact that Graham cant handle any imperfections in the first place is horribly insecure. someone who's really confident in themselves should be able to admit their flaws and still be happy with themselves. But that's not the case with Graham. He can act confident all he wants, but he's really lying to himself if he can't accept his own flaws and imperfections.

This entire cutscene is Graham projecting his own embarrassment onto the toons. HE'S embarrassed to have lost his own battle. HE'S embarrassed to have gotten burnt out so fast. But he tries desperately to flip the situation to run away from his own shame.

This is a fat lie. Deadass.

I see people speculate abt this line and what his "other forms" could be, but nah he's just lying. Graham was giving his all in this fight, given by how exhausted he is at the end to the point of passing out. It's WHY he's ashamed to have lost, because he was genuinely trying his best and giving it all he had. Yet, he STILL didn't win and it destroys his pride. And in an attempt to save that pride, he lies about "just getting started".

More projecting onto the toons. Graham needs a breather himself, given how he literally faints at the end of his battle. But he can't even admit his own exhaustion or allow himself to be tired because he has this idea that he needs to be perfect. He's built his whole "brand" on being "perfect", so when those flaws start to inevitably show, it shatters this image he's created for himself AND others. He will inevitably be embarrassed and humiliated again and again, merely by his own flaws that he really doesn't NEED to be ashamed of. But he will be ashamed of them because of this "perfect" image he desperately wants to be. It's just self-destruction.

Despite his attempts to flip the situation and project onto the toons, he collapses at the end of his fight from exhaustion. Graham pushes himself to the maximum and then forbids himself from feeling tired, which. Golly! That's unhealthy.

This cutscene, more than reeking insecurity, is also just self-destructive. Graham refusing himself a break and working himself to exhaustion just to prove his worth is so unhealthy, not to mention twisted companies like Cogs. Inc WILL leech off this behavior in an employee and use it to keep them working nonstop. It happens a lot IRL when employees pride themselves on constant productivity because it's what jobs like to see. And those jobs will take advantage of those qualities to keep employees productive with little regard to said employees' health. Graham's pride is destroying him.

I never see people talk about how truly insecure or unhealthy Graham is. I'm all for sillies and poking fun at Graham, but real talk this is a really underrated aspect of his character, and something that should be explored when discussing how companies like Cogs Inc. hurts their employees. Jobs love workers like Graham, but that's. not necessarily a good thing. Esp when they love the workers bc of how hard they'll push themselves without taking breaks. It's an easy trap to fall into when you're trying to impress your employers, especially when you're desperate for a job. (and graham WAS desperate for this job, as seen in MOTM.)

anyway, heres a doodle i thought was fitting

[kei-maki]

Thank you for doing a matchup trade with me <3 here's my matchup!

FANDOM: I would like a ADULT MALE MATCHUP for hazbin hotel, please. I don't wanna be matched with angel dust or husk (I have no problem but I don't see myself being romantic partners with them)

ABOUT ME: My name is Jaxrel! People call me "Jax" for short. also use other names like Himawari, Rin, etc, He/Him (They/Them is acceptable), I'm a Trans Man who's pansexual and I've been diagnosed with mental illness and disorders that I do not wish sharing ATM.

Personality(+ Notes): I'm a ENTP Ravenclaw, 5w4, Extroverted. I'm a very chill and intelligent person, I'm very polite and sweet! at first awkward, shy and distant when meeting people, extremely independent, when comfortable I talk about a lot of stuff for hours, loud talker, emotions come off as sarcastic or silly (due to autism), confident, straightforward (I have a urge to correct someone of faulty information), uses "big" words, good sense of humor, playful, entertaining, optimistic, mischievous, curious(l'm nosy and I love gossip), i can be a rule breaker(sometimes don't mean to), dad/ tharapist friend, when | go out | bring water bottles, first aid kit, chapsticks) just in case, chill but some people would say I have some "repressed anger issues, get a reallyyy overractive Brain, tend to get deep and philosophical when I'm left on my own for to long, I can be verbally aggressive when prevoked. If this helps more the characters I kin a lot are: Victor Nikiforov (Yuri On Ice), Tei (Nameless), Cutthroat (Akudama Drive, Except the Bloodlust cutthroat has.), Ranpo Edogawa (Bungo Stray Dogs), Dazai Osamu (Bungo Stray Dogs), Space Ishtar (Fate), Okita Souji (Fate), Langa Hasegawa (Sk8 The Infinity), Sherlock Holmes (TGAA), Zack (Final Fantasy 7), Vash The Stampede (Trigun), Roy Mustang (Fullmetal Alchemist), Otonashi Yuzuru (Angel Beats), Karma Akabane (Assassination Classroom), Vanitas (Study Case of Vanitas), Zoe Hange (AOT), Shinoa Hiragi (Seraph of The End) + more

things I love about myself: when someone is going through anything or needs help with anything they will call me before anyone else, i have an ugly laugh so guaranteed if i laugh someone else will as well, how much i love animals if i see a stray around my house i will adopt it immediately, if i see a stranger crying in public my eyes will not leave them alone until i get the courage to walk up to them and ask whats wrong, i am very confrontational i will always stand up for whats right no matter how scary the situation may be, how greedy i am for money but when i love someone i will spend the world on them, how excited i get for little things like when someone buys me redbull, monster, cherry pepsi or chocolate pretzels/strawberries my day cant be ruined, how in touch i am with being grateful if someone helps me in anyway or does something in general to benefit me i will never forget it, dont take people for granted, ive been told anytime someone hangs out with me that being with me feels safe and peaceful, pay attention to the little things, how even though i dont care about plushies i have been given some and i make sure to kiss them all goodnight in case they are actually real and see what happens, if i know someone is having a hard mental health day i will clean for them/ get them icecream and be patient till they are ready to talk about it, without fail a quiet person will always be loud with me, i am the type of person who just wants people i love to be happy even if its not with me, i will always choose them i dont say i love you until i mean it i will celebrate the people i love, i am very observant if i see that someone wants something i will get it for them no matter what, i will make it my mission to compliment a stranger that looks like they are having a hard time so their day is a little better, how i say i love kids even though if they can be annoying i will protect them with my life and im so gentle with them, I am not ashamed of what i love like anime for example even though when I was teased for it when I was little i never once hid that i loved it even if i dont like a song that someone shows me i will be hyper while listening to it so they dont feel small and embarrassed around me, how soft i become when someone holds my hand, I love psychical affection a lot so it's not a problem for me, i love how hardworking i am, whether its how much i love actually working or just getting out of bed knowing how hard my mind is fighting i love how i have gotten up everyday despite how challenging it is to, i am an emotional person but i will always cry for a sad scene in a movie, if i love someone, they'll be seen.

MORE KINS: hiyori tomoe (enstars), yoosung kim (mystic messenger), jumin han (mystic messenger), hanako (tbhk), felix kranken (twf), albedo (genshin impact), shoya ishida (a silent voice), tom (eddsworld). eridan (homestuck), karkat (homestuck), shu itsuki (enstars), miyamura izumi (horimiya), micheal afton (FNAF), lolbit (FNAF), mangle (FNAF), natsume sakasaki (enstars), sora harukawa (enstars), urumi akamaki (alice in borderland), V (mystic messenger), hagumi kitazawa (bandori), matsubara kanon (bandori), shinji ikari (neon genesis evangelion), minami kotobuki (oshi no ko), lain iwakura (serial experiments lain), hajime hinata (danganronpa), k-angel (needy streamer overdose) and more LOL.

Looks: Half Polish and Vietnamese and Half Middle Eastern(Iraqi)/Filipino, I'm very skinny like just flat, I have hazel eyes and some slight flecks of amber and blue, I have upturned eyes but they seem like they are almond shaped but they aren't too noticeable, I think I have a heart shaped face but from different angles it looks more diamond shaped(?), I'm approximately 5'8, 1 have a dimple only on my chin, I have dyed black hair, I also have bangs too, my clothing style tends to stretch widely from comfy to... a lot like this! I wear gyaru (hime gal, himekaji, agejo, gyaruo, rokku, manba, banba, kogal, tsuyome, and kigurumi), goth (trad goth, romantic goth, mall goth, cyber goth, and victorian goth), scenemo/emo (ofc), & vkei ouji and lolita, I can also pull off a kpop idol look, i also wear a lot of cool dresses and suits, I also wear Y2K and I also dress in alternative clothing a LOT, I wear a lot of other harajuku styles such as, jirai kei, decora and more so on, I’ve also been told I look like choso (JJK) and dazai osamu (BSD).

hobbies: gaming, anthropology, pathology, theology, zoology, music, dancing, filmmaking, art (drawing, painting, pottery, digital art, etc), learning different instruments/languages, cosplaying, skateboarding, tabletop RPG's, taking pictures of things that I think are pretty, collecting figurines/stuffed animals and puppetry, science/history, soccer(football)/volleyball/ basketball and swimming, cooking/baking, art is definitely my main hobby I dedicate a lot of time to it, I can play 5 instruments which is the piano, cello, koto and bass/electric guitar, I know 6 languages (look in my bio hehe) and I'm learning more right now (which is hindi, vietnamese and taglong if your interested).

Likes: Chocolate, Strawberries, Iced Coffee and Boba Tea, Anime/ Manga, Music, Food, Winning in arguments online or irl, Reading, Cats, Sharks, Animals in general, Cold/or Rainy Weather, Shopping, Abstract or Romance movies, Kdrama(pretty much any asian dramas), Spicy or Sweet Food, Ramen.

Dislikes: Loud Noises, Slow Walkers, People who don't know when to close their mouths when chewing and hot weather.

Love Languages: all of them, LOL. (giving). gift giving, words of affirmation & physical touch (receiving).

Thank you so much! Have a good day!

IM SO SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONGGGGG

But based on the information you’ve given me, I match you up with…

🐤❤️Lucifer ❤️🐤

I KNOW YOU SAID YOU LIKED HIM BUT I HAD HIM IN MIND BEFORE YOU SAID THAT, LET ME EXPLAIN

- First of all, would go shopping with you if you ever asked if he wanted to, might be a bit skidding since it’s you know, OUTSIDE, but if it’s for you he’ll do it

- Doesn’t care what you’re wearing, he thinks you look amazing regardless and will heavily praise you

- PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE P L E A S E Spoon him, especially since you’re taller, he will literally melt in your arms, whisper sweet nothings into his ear before bed while you do and he’ll start crying from feeling so loved

- Honestly pick him up and he won’t even question it, he’ll just be like “oh ok”

- Will definitely show off his wings to compensate for the height though

- He has given you a duck of every kin you listed, and overall just for everything you like or represents something you like, all presents, he just came up to you blushing, like a penguin with a rock, one day and was like “here” and he hasn’t stopped since, and probably never will

- I feel like speaking of presents, that’s a good transition into love languages. This man will gladly accept all of them and definitely needs it. As everyone can tell he needs words of affirmation and physical touch he is touch starved, so like previously said, hold him and tell him he’s the best and he’ll melt. And gifts? If you’re from you they’re the best thing in the world, even if it’s something like a cracker with a flag on it he’ll call it cute and share it with you. Will spend all his time with you, being the shut in he is, and is beyond grateful for you helping around the palace, it helps take away the thought of some of his responsibilities so he can just rest and spend time with you

- As for YOU he will definitely return the favor, always telling you you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to him, that you’re his entire life, all while constantly cuddling you and peppering kisses all over your face, and giving you the most extravagant things He’ll has to offer, but if that’s too much for you? Don’t worry, how’s a chocolate scented cat shark plushie sound? Or how about that new manga volume you told him about that you wanted?

(Something like this visually for the plushie)

- I feel like he doesn’t like loud noises either (unless HES the loud noise, which might cause problems between you two), so he���s got noise canceling headphones at the ready to summon at a moment’s notice

- Movie/show date nights watching any anime, kdrama, or hopelessly romantic movie you want

- Will make your tea for you (and will spill it in regards to the hotel of course)

- Info dump to him and he will gladly listen, engraining every single detail to memory, asks questions and shows genuine interest as well

- With you both being mischievous and playful, and you having a contagious laugh, I can see many laughing fits over the silliest of things

- If you spoil him with gifts his heart will flutter, it’s usually the other way around

- Not at all afraid to show you off either, all the PDA in the world. Want to hold his hand? (I’ll take that hand now-) He has four now so he can do that AND hug you, no one has a doubt in their minds that you’re together, he will proclaim his love to you with a 99 power point slide on the News with no hesitation

- Will honest on his fathers name kill anyone who makes you feel like shit or like you have to hide your wonderful personality. That double Hell comment Angel made in the pilot? Yeah, that’s what’s gonna happen if ANYONE messes with you

And… I think that’s it? Lmk if you want more though! I’m not sure if this was long enough ;-; but I hope you enjoyed it! This was actually pretty fun to do!

[blossom-boo]

Hey blossom boo! Just want to say how much I’ve loved your work on saucy’s blog. Now, you were talking about inserting Bojan and Jure into the miniverse. Have you had any thoughts about that? Can’t have my boys feeling left out of the feminisation fun. Bojan needs to be put in a pretty dress to go with his collar. Perhaps Jure wants to look pretty too? 👙👗👠

hey boo!! im extremely grateful you like my work. i am working on expanding the narrative i started (with the help of 💫boo, who has gratefully gotten in touch) on saucy's blog. im not sure how plot intensive i want to that to be, but at least enough for all the situations im about to put the boys through to be cohesive - if that doesnt work ill just say fuck it and write a million one shots lmao - we will see.

having said that, why not do some headcanons for jure & bojan while you wait, hm? (semi?) nsfw underrrr

for bojan :

* initially, he probably got extremely upset thinking he couldn't wear short body con dresses - his thighs are so thick, the band barely even touches the back of his legs with how it stretches. fortunately, his dom loves it. come on, its easy access. also a big fan of sundresses (see : easy access. that much better if it has a plunge neckline or a cut out on his chest or back). gets extremely distracted while wearing dresses from all the sensation and not so secretly gets off on how clumsy it makes him.

*as for lingerie, he starts with lace boxers, and then just spirals.

*not the biggest fan of g-strings, but will wear them if you ask. lace is definitely his favourite - its all about sensation for him. initially, he was a little bit ashamed of just how much he enjoyed wearing bras and bralettes.

*100% loves wearing harnesses and garter belts too.

*refused to try stockings initially but relented and regrets not doing so sooner. so much sensation.

*not yet comfortable putting high heels on, but okay with other feminine shoes, like mary janes, especially if hes wearing a longer, more flowy dress

*call his hole a pussy if you want him to cum instantly ❤️

for jure :

*into silk more than lace

*loves wearing g-strings

*more into skirts + bra combo or maybe skirt with a crop top, but will wear dresses on occassion if you ask

*loves garter belts but not stockings, they rip too easily, and while yes, thats part of the fun, he cant help but feel like his fun is dampered if they rip randomly and its not his dom doing it

*that much more enjoyable if his lingerie is matched with his outfit

*hestitant to try high heels initially, but actually extremely comfortable walking and playing in them once he actually starts

*loves putting on makeup for his partner(s), puts on lipstick and mascara for the sole purpose of getting it messed up

*neutral about having his hole called a pussy, but call his dick a clit and hes instantly going down ❤️

[squeakheart]

talking abt doc's gender swap attack... ik its not that deep and oda just wanted to draw ppl growing tits but whatever! doc q genderposting UTC

-

doc's powers kinda hold a lotta my bbp gender hcs together so like... untangling what he can and can't do... i think he has limitations (especially since one piece already has ivankov's power to instantly permanently transition ppl)

we know his attacks wear off (or can be cancelled out with willpower) so if u wanna keep the changes you'd hafta go back to him for a top-up

he's illness themed & his attack worked like a transmissible virus so thats something to keep in mind logistically ... but the optics of it are a bit "chemicals in the water to turn the frogs trans" so like... i wanna be kinda careful with it yk...

in my hcs i think its still transmissible but closer to the irl "if your partner is on tgel and you touch them you might absorb some" thing than like "if you cough everyone in the room suddenly transitions"

i dont think he can "swap" genitals even tho that kinda felt implied in canon... prob just size changes and erectile function changes

he objectively sucks as a doctor (and as a person) so i think hes not very good at balancing ppls hormones .. inconsistent ass levels compared to what other (normal) one piece doctors could give u

weird side effects likely since like. its doc q

he can probably diy some regular hrt (premarin at least .. hes literally a horse guy) but he would prefer doing it w his powers

basically his attack functions more like real-world HRT than a magical gender-swap button in my hcs

the bbps i hc as trans are augur (trans girl) laffitte (transfem nonbinary) shot, burgess and kuzan (trans guys) and he manages their hormones for them ... he was extremely chasery in canon with the femlaw thing and unforch i cant imagine him being less of one for his crewmates erm ... they all have fucked moral compasses so a lot of them probably arent bothered (shot especially wouldnt give a shit) but i think kuzan might be uncomf since hes used to having access to more professional/less pervy doctors :p i also go back and forth on whether laffitte would medically transition at all? burgess is definately roiding as well as regularly transitioning. basically i think he does a servicable job managing the crew’s transitions while still being who he is & with them all being who they are

as for doc's own gender .. i think he tested that shit out on himself for sure (both bc i think he has to be patient zero for his power to work and bc he would just want to) ... i don't neccesarily think hes trans but i do think hes very open to temporary experimenting .. again kinda goes back to the extreme chaser energy

wrt bebe - this part is straight up sooooooo personal!!! but if youve read my fics you alr know the situation with him getting super weird and fetishistic about her body. ive written him saying a lot of stuff that would be kind of inexcusable for a real person to say to me (perisex ppl dni with any of my doc q is weird about intersex ppl hcs fr. 🔫 its on sight) but ig im kinda working thru negative feelings about my own body by making my fictional guy super enamoured with it OTL anyway fetishism aside he is helping her balance her hormones and achieve some changes she wants while also encouraging her to not hide features that she shouldnt have to be ashamed of ... the rat whiskers thing is a facial hair analogy & in my canon hes a lot of the reason she lets them grow out after the timeskip. the boobs she gets after the timeskip are also his work (i think ive drawn/posted this before) .. thats about all i'll say rn im getting embarrassed tbh

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

i had sex for the first time and it was kind of a horrible experience. i was checking out a bdsm club for the first time and a man in his 50s invited me to check out a different (sex) club the next day and bc i genuinely, idiotically thought he just wanted to introduce me to the scene and show me around i went. at the club he bought me a couple drinks, we talked and then he took me to a private room and went down on me. i didnt say no bc i was drunk and curious, and im bad at saying no to people in general. i thought maybe it would be fun. i wasnt into it at all but felt too bad to let him know. i faked an orgasm and left after a while. as we parted he kissed my cheek and said he hopes we can be friends. drunk me told him of course we could. the next morning i was hit with the worst wave of self loathing ive ever felt in my life, as well as just general disgust and regret. i cannot believe my first time was with an old man i feel zero attraction to. i already knew im probably a lesbian, but still i keep trying to be with men and i dont know why. i guess my question is do you have advice on how to get over a sexual experience you regret? how do i come to terms with the fact that my first time was with someone i feel grossed out just thinking about? and was i taken advantage of? im in my early 20s, he didnt know i was a virgin (i active implied that im not), and i know if i had said no he wouldve stopped. i wasnt falling down drunk or anything. he didnt really do anything wrong. i feel so stupid and ashamed of myself. i just wish my first time had been with a woman. i wish i hadnt been so naive and stupid and i wish i hadnt gotten drunk. i know its not true but i feel like no woman will ever want me now. i cant even masturbate bc the idea of doing something sexual, even just alone, reminds me of him and what i let him do to me. how do i move on from this?

hi anon,

I'm deeply sorry that this happened to you.

in this case, I would say the way to make peace with a sexual experience you regret is to understand that you aren't responsible for what was done to you.

to answer your question - yes, you were absolutely taken advantage of, and this person very much did do something wrong! quite a lot of somethings! he made the choice to lure someone younger and less knowledgeable to a secondary location you weren't familiar with, get you drunk, isolate you, and pressure you into sex that you didn't give enthusiastic consent to. all of that is CLASSIC predatory, manipulative behavior and reflects on him - not you.

you mentioned that you feel stupid; PLEASE don't. people are pressured into unpleasant sex all the time, very often in the exact same way you were: being entrapped in a situation where going along with it was easier than saying no. it's vile! and none of those people are at fault!

listen: you need to be on your side about this. would you tell anyone else who experienced this that they're stupid and naive? I hope not. I really hope you can find the compassion you'd extend to any other friend in this situation to yourself, because you're going to be the #1 person getting yourself through this.

feeling bad and gross about what happened is fine; what happened was bad and gross. please let those feelings happen and care for yourself while they do, because those feelings need to be felt! just be conscientious about which feelings you're indulging. it's fine to feel betrayed, violated, regretful, angry, sad, even to mourn for a better first sexual experience you could have had! just make sure to gently nudge yourself back if those feelings start veering into the realm of feeling guilty or responsible for the situation. not only is it unhelpful, it's not even true!

it's very sad that your first sexual experience was with someone you didn't want who treated you the way he did. in the future, when you're ready, I hope you'll be able to pursue healthier, mutually pleasurable experiences on your own terms. don't rush yourself to get back to any kind of sexuality, masturbation included - a good long break while you sort through your feelings may be very needed. there's no timeline you need to be on to recover from this; please don't get down on yourself for taking the time and space you need. if you don't have anyone in person you feel able to talk with, looking up online support and resources for people who have experienced sexual assault may be beneficial.

also, hey, please don't play the game of trying to say you don't belong in survivor spaces or how this wasn't an assault because your belief that he would have stopped if you'd told him to (a very generous assumption!) or because you led him to believe you had more sexual experience or it could have been worse or whatever. the feelings you're experience in the aftermath are textbook of assault survivors; that means the resources are for you!

also hey. listen to me. look at me. if any woman tries to tell you that you are less worthy of lesbian love and companionship because you have had sex with a man. ESPECIALLY a man who was taking advantage of you. you are going to send me their address and I will personally attack them with a baseball bat.

[dokoni-mo]

Heya! I absolutely adore your writing of Crave and I heavily look forward to seeing more of your work! It’s amazing and your version of William in here is just.. perfect! Words cannot describe how much I love your Crave William!

I have some questions about these two! For example, how would William handle a situation in which he and his lovely Bunny are talking, but Bunny’s too ashamed, embarrassed, shy, etc to give proper words.

Second question would be how William and Bunny spends the holidays! What are their favorite holidays and what would they do?

And last question (I am so sorry for all the questions I’m just so curious about this all, AAA!!) I noticed when you replied to another user that you said Bunny wasn’t very vocally clingy! Would this mean that they’re more Physically clingy? How clingy are they in general and how does Sir react to this? :O

P.S

Thanks for answering all of our questions! And just.. generally being active and lovely! Apologies if I’ve annoyed you with the length of this!

Hiiii there! Thank you so so much for reading ahhhhh it means a lot!! I can def help you out with these!! Its no problem at all :)))

1 - in terms if bunny was too shy to say something, i can see will just thinking its really cute that youre still shy around him after like,, everthing loolllll

BUT he is still very much big about like, you vocally telling him what you want, even if its pretty obvious. Its mostly because he likes hearing bunny say how much they love and want him and what they want him to do to them, but also because he doesnt wanna get the wrong idea of what you want and potentially make you uncomfortable. If youre too shy to tell him he'd just gently try and coax it out of you, reassuring you with his soft touches and kisses and all that good stuff. He's pretty patient when it comes to you, so he's happy to wait for you to muster up the courage

2 - oooo holidays?? i didnt really think about that too much!!

I can see Will not being a big fan of holidays tbh. Like, hes just really generally old and grumpy when it comes to that sort of thing LOL but if you enjoy the holidays he'd at least TRY to have a good time. Out of all of the holidays I can see him liking Christmas the best, even though he's not religious (at least, in my version of him he isnt). He just finds that people are more tolerable around christmas time, and there's just something peaceful about having a busy year wind down to him.

Michael doesnt want anything to do with Will around the holidays so he often just spends it at his mom's house with his siblings. It never bothered will (because he doesnt want anything to do with michael either) and it REALLY doesnt bother him since getting with his bunny. with you off of school and stuff he just has you over at his house the entire time you're on break. He also takes a shit load of time off work and just stays home with you.

I can see him liking a nice cuddle session by the fire when its REALLY cold out :))

3 - so i didn't talk about this one too much in Crave because i didnt really know how to explain it,, but im glad you caught on!!

Bunny is more physically clingy, but only because its a learned behavior they learned from Will. Will can be really handsy when his bun is over, like you practically cant get away from him. He likes to be touching you in some way at all times (holding hands, sitting you on his lap, guiding you with his hand on your back, etc), and you just kinda,, pick up on it. Being close to him helps his bunny feel safe, and he's more than happy to reciprocate. He knows words can be hard for his little bun at times, so when he's not teasing your words out of you, he's perfectly happy to just have you nestled up close to him

hope this makes sense anon!! feel free to send in any more questions you have :))))

[jvrssy]

hello all of tumblr users,today i want to share my opinion about men in these times,so..lets start. at first i want to say that im not saying it about ALL men,but about those who are like this. as you know,in our times men doesnt have respect for women (talking especially about 12 yo boys who had just watched american psycho and they think they are sigma's). but my question is - why men are so disrespectful to women? many women were mathematics,writers and inventors etc. and i've heard about female inventor who found out something about DNA (idk what was that about DNA especially). but then i heard that men stole her discovery and took credit for it, even though they didn't invent it themselves. it shows how men were jealous of her,or just wanted to be seen,but at her expense. men literally disrespected women for centuries,thinking females are worser,not strong enough,that they cant rule country and many things! im just so pissed off by that,cause human is human,and one person cam be good at something,while someone doesnt have to be either. men saying that women belong to kitchen are showing that they are dependent and immature honestly. its like you dont have 2 legs and 2 hands to cook for yourself,but woman does? i have one boy at school,who is/were saying that women do belong to kitchen,and when a girl would argue with them,they would say like "youre woman,you have no rights" bro WTF is wrong with you? or when in history class was topic about feminism,most of boys started laugh. women fights for their rights for ages,maybe even decades. i bet that if men would have to fight for their rights,it would be easier for them. oh sorry,i forgot that they would never experience,how it feels like,how it feels like to be Arabic woman,and have to cover your whole self under hijab and many clothes,and you can only see. imagine its summer and you have to dress like that. thats humiliating in some senses and very uncomfortable i think. the same is about empathy, maybe women are more "emotional" than most men,but they at least have a heart,to help someone,to put yourself in someone elses situation (not all women idk,it depends on personality). and not to be seen as man hater - most fathers are telling to their sons after they example: fall on the ground and little son start crying cause it hurts him,father would say like "real men doesnt cry" i hate it. everyone can show their emotions,not matter if its a boy,a girl,adult,or old person. everyone should show it,cause in 20 years after hearing things like "dont cry,are you a p***y?" they became hard to show emotions to someone,even to be ashamed of them. and about feminism also: men like to manipulate women,and have fun with them,but tell me why? i know that manipulators cant love theirselfs,and nobody else,but its just..really sick and hurting..same thing about sexualising women from men who are 40+ (but it can be every age) i have seen many catcalling situations on tik tok and im honestly disgusted,cause how dare you say it to a teenager or just to any woman?! do you think that "compliment" like "nice ti*s" or "nice ass" is something cool that someone can hear? i had situations like this in my life too,guy smirking at me,and i was already disgusted by him. thats why sometimes i dont understand the second gender. ofcourse anything can work on two sides,woman can got sexualized like men too,so read whole post before judging and typing mean stuff.

[sanestparadisecitizen]

I NEED UR P1 HCS…..AND… ur edit of him holding the cat plush makes me wanna ask..do u think he has any certain comfort items ?! I’m a ‘he has a plush with him in his backpack when he’s in public’ believer

hehe tysm for asking!!! now i have an excuse to talk abt him >:3

its the most basic knowledge imo, that hes the autism. i refuse to believe otherwise. anddd i may be projecting a bit but ocd along with psychosis ofc (an awful combination tbh)

MEOWING VOCAL STIM!! IM RIGHT. lets absolutely dump my behaviors on him rn, stims also by fidgeting with his fingers, his coat sleeves (they are. a bit too long. for that purpose). and swaying back and forth.

and maybe nail biting. but he paints them black to prevent himself from doing that.

but he is very ashamed of any behavior that comes with being autistic. sadly

and the whole thing with the demon... i have my own thoughts abt it, mostly based on a real life situation. but exaggerated,my bestie would never kill the whole city...

here it goes: so, all these violent homicidal thoughts and tendencies come from dude himself. but he doesn't wanna acknowledge that, pushing away that part of himself. and thats where the psychosis comes in, showing it as a kind of separate entity, the "demon". it can generally be really nice! makes him feel better about himself, motivates him (to murder people :3). a weird kinda hallucination thingy.

(i hope its understandable lol)

man definetly tried to excuse himself in the mental asylum that "it wasnt me, it was the demon!!!" digging his grave even deeper. sorry dude, not everyone has an imaginary friend...

his special interest would be guns, i think

i think he would be more of a cat person (or a cat-person... meow)

that kind of person to overthink every possible situation so he can plan how to act

definetly has a map of the city marked with the safest and most dangerous routes, so he knows how to move around it. paranoid mf.

not immune to the dude personal hygiene pattern. he's gross!! (i love him either way)

definetly takes drugs too, but he's more of a weed / benzo person. anything that makes him more chill (tho weed may not be as good for it)

pyromaniac. i bet his favorite way of killing is with a flamethrower.

those glasses are perscribed. he cant see shit without them

man undeniably has a shitton of trauma. you dont go postal just for shit and giggles (maybe a bit of religious trauma too)

he tries to be nice to people but he's tall, weird and scary looking. so people dont want to interact with him :(

and thats actually canon but i have to include it. its 100% real that im his boygirlfriend, lover or whatevr i'll call it. we are so incredibly in love its unreal!!!

and about the comfort item ... you're right. i did the edit as a joke, but he definetly needs a cat plushie, or a tiger plushie. maybe not that big, but he does. i wish i could make him one!!!

also i think the trenchcoat could be a comfort item!!

[writemywaytoyourheart]

hiiii i found your blog and saw that you’re talking abt tae’s current situation i wanna say thank you for your kind words as i’m feeling overwhelmed too abt the news. i always seek comfort by reading his fics whenever i’m feeling down but now when im sad abt this i cant read his fics bcs he’s the reason why im sad. i know it’s weird and cringed but how do i overcome this huaaaaa :(

(sorry for ranting and sorry if this post made you uncomfortable you can just ignore it if you feel so!)

Hey bean, first of all this did not make me uncomfortable in the slightest, and you have no reason to apologize for your feelings.

Lots of people are feeling this way and have been made time and time again to feel ashamed for it. I think that's wrong. None of you deserve to be ridiculed and made to stuff your feelings down deep so that you don't get targeted.

I'm sorry you've all felt so alone during this. I promise you that you are not alone.

ARMY, let's do better.

These are our friends, basically our family at times. Why do we have to shun them just to make ourselves look "better"? How disappointed do you think BTS would be in some of us to find out how some of their beloved fans were treated for having feelings?

I for one don't think they'd be all too proud.

Nonnie, it is totally normal for you to be avoiding fics about him right now. Like I said in earlier posts, the love is very much real and along with that comes the very real heartbreak, even if some people can't understand it.

Things that used to make you happy are now a direct trigger.

As for overcoming it, there are things that work for some people and things that don't work at all for others. Do what feels right to you, okay?

You can face it head on and bulldoze your way through it, that's how some people heal and feel better.

Or you can find other things that make you happy. It seems like a distraction that won't help in the long run but if this way works for you it isn't that. It's simply filling your life with so many things that bring you joy that you will eventually realize there's more to life than you thought, and it won't hurt as much anymore.

The first step is acknowledging it, which you have done, and I'm so proud of you for that.

Right now, it probably feels like it'll never stop hurting. That you'll never be able to come back from this.

I'm not gonna tell you that you can or cannot.

That's up to you, bean.

This is your story.

You make the rules.

You are the main character in your life, no one can take that from you.

So.

What does that character we love so much do?

Does the book end here, or do we get to see another chapter?

Will our MC give up, or will they break only to become so so much more beautiful?

A character with no struggles is hardly one we can connect with. We root for them because they are broken, and yet we love them and fully believe that they will pick themselves back up and keep going. It's okay to stay down there for a while, it's okay to sit there and cry. We'll all be crying there with you.

But I truly hope the story does not end there.

I for one would love to turn the page and keep reading.

ILY 🥰

-chip

[green-pine]

I dont wanna read my old posts, i dont wanna feel them lol.

Right now Its the 4th of october 2024 and it is so different from last year... but different doesnt mean better.

Im not sure about how i feel as usual, but i do am really sad lol.

Im feeling lonely mainly, artistically blurred and confused. The guy i had a story with now hates me, or he is ashamed of seeing/ talking to me, i cant tell. Althought i dont like him anymore, i hate this feeling of disgust towards me, as if he didnt start everything in the first place.

I really dont know why he feels that way nor why i feel this thing so much, it shouldnt matter to me. I bet he doesnt even think of me anyway.

Idk all this situation was strange and it left me broken as i thought i would. I should have blocked him back in january, but i was too curious and lonely to do so.

Whats going on with my life? It feels weird as usual, unreal...everything that was supposed to make sense doesnt. I feel that void again, but now it cannot be stopped even for a day like it did last year; I knew that would happen, but i wasnt prepared for it.

I should carry on with my life, but is there anything to carry on at all? Idk what to do.

Im just ranting random disconnected things, just like how i feel about everything disconnected and hurt.

[taeyungie]

em, well.. he called me today. the irony of it all is apparently when i was talking w/ that 1 guy after my ex years ago, i only told him cus he asked me out & i apparently said he didnt need to know that stuff and i dont remember ever saying that but he said he was hurt/caught off guard & therefore never shared any of his personal relations with me. i think i blacked those yrs out. i went thru a very bad & messy breakup and wanted a distraction, i don't remember him ever asking me out then but he said he remembered very well. i feel so fucking stupid. this basically all happened bc of me. and u were right, he said he /always/ had those feelings even after my ex but i felt they weren't there... so i never attempted anything until i built up our relationship again which is how it is now. but, the real kicker is.. i told him that i didnt want to be put in a position where if he was serious about me, that he'd talk to other ppl, but he said im basically asking for commitment and he cant give that to me unless i show that i'm willing to let him come see me or vice versa (which i just need more time for), until then, he's not going to tell me if he's messing with anyone but he said if things do get serious with someone, then he'll let me know to not lead me on. thats not what i wanted to hear. basically he's open to whatever happens with whoever, even if he cares deeply about me, but he cant promise to not talk to other ppl and i know its selfish, i just wanted him to wait for me, esp after all this time with trying and failing with wrong timings. the way he said "IF i get into a relationship, i'll tell u" gets me cause i'll only know if he makes it official, he said thats how its gonna be. and i honestly feel like i'll end up pushing him away cus the reality of that being possible hurts too much. he said he'll just have to accept it then. but even after talking i still feel as lost. i feel sad, ashamed i said those things i truly don't remember. but now i'm confused with my feelings. i know this is going to change everything. i can already feel myself wanting to pull away emotionally & put the guard i barely let down back up 😣

i am sorry sunshine :( but i'm really happy that you guys had the talk, you need to stay in contact with him no matter what, the silence can be the worst thing to do right now, so please try your best not to become closed off. the fact that you're both so hurt by this situation is so visible, my heart is breaking. although i really do understand both of you, and he is clear about what he expects and it's in your hands to decide what to do with it 🥺 you know... you have to understand that he is just trying to be happy too, just like we all do. it doesn't mean he only cares about himself, he was there for you through the bad times and he did wait for you, honey, but the thing happened years ago and he might be just tired of waiting, he just wants to find happiness and love too... i'm pretty sure he's probably just as hurt and confused by this situation as you are, but he cares about you and he wants to be with you, but maybe he cannot handle long-distance relationship, maybe he is tired of waiting, maybe there are other reasons he doesn't want to share because it's hurting him too much at this point, yeah? he probably started closing up on you because of that as well, that's why he stated his feelings in such harsh way. he probably doesn't mean to hurt you at all, he is just trying to protect himself.

so please, don't get me wrong, i may not be giving you the best advice or making you feel better which i'm really sorry for :( but i want to stay objective because the situation is tough, and help you understand how to deal with it, to look at your situation in a different light. I'm trying to guess what can be the issue and what you guys are going through, nothing I say is 100% right because I don't know the exact details and I will never know how exactly each of you is feeling. but what i know for sure is that one can stay strong for long enough, sweetheart :(

i understand that you might have blocked out the memories because of traumatic past and that is completely valid and I'm really sorry for what you went through, you deserve the best of love and care :( it's something he should be understanding about especially that he asked you out when you were still in pain, you probably weren't ready for something serious and i will allow myself to guess the guy you talked with was not considered as something you were serious about, right? you probably hoped for it, looked for it, but deep inside you probably might've been looking for a distraction, something to make you feel better, right? and since he was your best friend it was a different situation, although he probably chose to ask in a bad moment, he shouldn't blame you entirely for that and now act like it's all your fault, but i also understand why he was caught off guard and hurt by that, he was angry and jealous, he wanted to be with you and realizing you didn't choose him was probably very painful, although now he might feel like you realized you have feelings for him because you have no other options, and he wants you a strong and secure feeling from you to feel safe in it, but please don't get upset with my words, let me tell you something first, love.

Let me tell you a story, I myself also went through a similar thing and i also had to deny my best friend a long time ago, because of other reasons but one of the main ones was long distance, i never loved him but i cared for him that's another difference because your friend actually HAS feelings for you, but i know how my friend has felt when i kept explaining him why we can't be together, it made me feel terrible. yet, his feelings for me didn't lessen apparently, and to this day, sometimes, he still implies that his crush on me never went away. but in the meantime he was in many other relationships, serious ones and purely physical ones, while also not telling me much, i probably don't know about a lot but it's his life and not my business - my point is that, he also tried to be happy even while still actively hoping i would give him a chance, because he cares for me more than he does for the people he dated (but again in my story it didn't affect me because i never loved him that way). now picture yourself in our situation, he actually does love you but you guys can't be together right now because of some reasons, and he probably isn't feeling confident about your feelings for him because of the past events, which is why he asks you for "100% yes" or "100% no" right now. unless you give him an answer he waited for for a long time, he has the right to try and look for happiness elsewhere and not involve you in it, he might not be comfortable with sharing that he is having flings with others with someone he actually loves, simply because he doesn't want to hurt you, but it's just natural that he is looking for distractions, he is not looking for someone to replace you but he's also clearly not sure of your feelings for him, do you know what i mean now? he doesn't want the past to repeat, when he already waited for a long time, maybe tried to move on even. i know you don't want him to treat you like a 2nd choice and what i just said might look exactly like he's doing it but i personally don't see it that way, that REALLY is not the case, in my opinion it's the opposite and you are clearly his 1st choice, from what i deducted he also just told you that, but since you were/are out of reach he is trying to find other ways, even if it hurts him that they're not you.

don't close your heart up on him, honey. i know you're anxious and in pain, just try to understand his position, alright? you're both hurting a lot but you care for each other deeply and misunderstanding is not something that should be an obstacle, so please, the only way out of it is to talk to each other and be honest. maybe you could consider making some sacrifices to defeat things that stay in your way of saying "yes" , if relationship with him is something you truly want?

[ayyden-apoloe]

ok im here to read 2 days late bc of sickyness :D !! godgodgod okaY SO thank you for actually replying omg im so excited waHhhh

readmore bc i got really autistic about this and its long aaaaaaaAa i love this ty bye

ooooourgh i feel like the walking in the dark thing could also be them both feeling isolated and looked down (maybe unintentionally) by the other guild members on for wanting to interact w each other. the gajeel side of that is obvious, nobody trusts him and they all think he doesnt belong and he cant blame them for that.

but with LEVY i feel like after The Incident she and droy and jet dont really ,, talk about what happened and seeing each other while theyre healing just makes them angry and sad so they distance for a while (maybe 2-3 weeks ? a month ? however long it takes them to physically heal) and then try and gloss over it w maybe the occasional outburst from one of them ((for that goodgood healing-from-trauma story spice)) and when she decides to listen to her heart and maybe give gajeel a second chance shes Scared and Confused and maybe a bit Ashamed, bc why should she even give this asshole the time of day, he tried to kill her family. when she says this team shadowgear gets into a fight. like a screaming sobbing awful terrible fight where jet is mostly just angry, he thinks levy feels she Has to forgive gajeel bc shes gotta be the bigger person and/or that if she Doesnt shes afraid of what gajeel might do in the future. droy is fucking afraid tho, he hasnt really had a proper convo w his 2 best friends in the world for a monTh and then suddenly one of them decides to let the guy who nearly killed them and made it a public spectacle just start ovER ?? what the fuck ! where did his headstrong and reliable levy go and who is this girl in her place ?!? and levY is the most confused of all of them bc shit jet and droy are right ! theyre fucking right !! whY is she sticking her foot back in that beartrap and why does she feel like if she doesnt her world will crumble around her ? (i think she doesnt handle anger very well she doesnt know what to do w all the energy and it just consumes her thoughts and she sits and stews) she Shouldnt forgive gajeel hes a dick and hes proven it and christ if jet and droy are feeling like this then how will the rest of the guild think, she already cant barely stand to be around most of them rn, theyve only looked at her w pity or a wince of pain for an entire month and she feels like she let everyone she knows down

NEXT !! (had to force myself to set that last paragraph down i have so many thoughts and ideas) i see your gajeel feeling like a fake and a mess bc hes not Actually a terrible guy and he doesnt want to be but fuck its all he knows to do at this point and i do the gif of the kid at the desktop nodding and doing a thumbs up, you know the one, i have no notes youre right and fantastic and SOSO smart

GOD YES DEMIROMANTIC GAJEVYYYYYY YEAAAHHHH im demiromantic and demisexual myself so i GET IT DUDE RAAAAAAGH :D !! when they first started talking a little normally i was like wait wtf this is going too fast, they should hate each other but then it grew on me. and i really Really like that feeling of gajeel and levy feeling forced and awkward and painful to watch interact for a while, its shows theyre human and you gotta have room enough for the original feeling of my the viewers' disgust to die down before jumping into even complicated aquaintance territory, let alone anything romantic [i have a bigbad hc about the SG getting beaten incident thats honestly really dark that adds to my thoughts and feelings on this but thats a whole entiRE can of wyrms]

sits and listens raptly and eats popcorn for the last few quotes bc yeysyesyes no notes, levy NEEDS to be her own 3d person who has issues and insecurities and and aND (hers is the more interesting side of their whole trust issues situation imo)

ANYWAY BITES AND TEARS AND RENDS AND CHEWS AND RIPS AND GNAWS AND AND AND AND !!! but yeah i also super get the fear of being soso invested in smthn other people might look at as weird and crying bc you Gotta share but what if people are mean waiLS ! so ty for actually answering w so many thoughts aaaa this is everything i couldve asked for bWAH im sending my admiration to you as we speak it will arrive in the mail by sunday

bore the shadows that you made, with no light of my own, i shine only with the light you gave me

sniffle sniffle …… gajevebebebeytt and this song … GRAH,, also an alternate version under the cut :3

[carouseldreamdiary]

09.08.23

i was in the streets of cornwall i think and i saw kim trying to get into this door of his house sneakily so i went up to him and was like kim kim kim heyyyy what u doing and he was like im busy and was kinda serious so i was like let me help whats going on so he let me come inside with him and immediately was like shut the door quickly lock it so i did. i asked him why and he explained like the police are coming to get him because he has his cats in the house so we have to hide him and he asked me to give him a leg up so he could climb on top of the closet and hide up there and i was like ok but i think the better idea would be to hide your cats and as i said that i heard banging and yelling at the door from the police telling him to open up so i quickly put the cats up on top of the closet with him (stupidly) and opened the door and they came in so fast they knocked me down. then once they came inside the cats immediately jumped back down but they ignored the cats and instead arrested me for the disappearence of kims mum

i dont remember being in jail but i remember arguing in court with them and being like WHY would i fuckin steal his cats i care about him so much we talk abt his cats all the time. and i think i got out on bail or smthing but when i got out i was walking around and i noticed i was next to kims same house again and it was all crime scened up and closed.

then i think i encountered kim again and he was rly sad abt his mum so i was like hey lets go to spain and for some reason he agreed to come with me so i got us this hotel and we were on the 6th floor and the room was so crazy huge it didnt really have any walls but it had all these sections for like the bedroom, the lounge, the balcony. it was really nice and he started to cheer up a bit more when we were there. i think i was sitting doing something close to him like reading and he suddenly leant his chin on my shoulder and i wanted to cry from happiness, so i think i reached out and took his hand and he held hands with me and it felt so innocent and pure. i felt like a child again. i think i was scared to kiss him so i just brushed my lips against his hand but then we did kiss and i was laughing and so was he and it was just like , not laughing at eachother but from happiness idk it was rly cliche but so nice.

and i think what was so nice about it was ok ive been battling a lot with how like messed up my sex drive is from abuse and how like i jump to sex so fast with people and try to use it to exchange for love and care, its something ive been working on and like i remember even in the dream thinking about that and thinking i dont want to do this yet because it may weird him out. and idk that made me feel happy inside too. to grow like that even if it was a dream cuz it felt incredibly real.

i think i asked if he was hungry and if he wanted to explore the rest of the hotel and he said yes so we wandered downstairs to this like big wide open dining room that had a terrace smoking area and we sat outside on it , it was so high up above the clouds and he linked arms with me which is something i love to do with people it feels so cute and like for him to do it to me felt really cute too IDK im smiling thinking about it now. it was cute it felt like he wasnt ashamed to be seen with me , he was happy and that made me so happy. i think we sat down on a table next to some other people and kim did something to offend them i cant remember what so i explained the situation and they were very kind and understanding and i talked with them a bit about the city and stuff and translated for kim and he was like not very shy i always thought he was quite shy and tbh i am shy too i would never talk to someone like that in real life but we both did and it was nice. then i think we wandered back up to our room again and i was pointing out to him like all the weird shops this hotel had inside it somehow like a bowling alley and a supermarket and a tailors . it kinda looked like asturias alisios centre the bit near carrefour lol.

anyway once we got back to our room i think i offered kim some mushrooms and he was like ok, i was kind of high in the dream already i think so i was struggling to think of a correct doseage for him so i told him eat half this mushroom and it was a pretty small one. i think he was okay but the next thing i remember was being naked in bed with him, i dont think we were having sex but i remember thinking oh hes probably never touched breasts before and then i woke up