#im scared of myself tbh. i have no idea how i did any of this. i feel like i just. blacked out and now im here and FUCK I JUST FUCKJFHLGJSR
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PSYCHIC DAMAGE LMFAOOOP omgâŠnow Iâm shaking just thinking of the wc HAHAHA Iâll start mentally preparingâŠ
OK DID YOU READ THE CH???? ANOTHER MANIFESTATION OFF THE LIST?? Iâm strike throughing this to make it harder to read at first glance in case you havenât read yet We literally said tabieita best duo because theyâre mature enough and confident enough alone which allows them to duo without dependence THAT WAS LITERALLY LIKE HALF THE CH????
Yuki third wheel friendâŠyuki the âwalk behind the duo on the sidewalkâ third friendâŠ.tbh I think the person Iâve seen him with the most is actually Isagi??? From his little tantrum/rivalry momentâŠ.no ykw youâre so right we claim yuki!!
LMAOOOOOOO Iâm crying this is so true to their dynamic and I love it smâŠ.barou nagi honestly another iconic duo I can imagine Barou being like âyou better stand six feet away from my ball at all timesââŠ
STOP WAIT THATS GENIUS Barou one of the girls HAHAHA thatâs so real though!! It kinda reminds me about how Kunigami was canonically like that before bllk because he hung around his sisters a lot!! IM GONNA SHIT MYSELF LAUGHING ây/n l/n is a lovely girl who can really keep a house clean. any man would be lucky to have herâ GOODBYE the duo wingman plus imposter wingman dynamic im so living for thisâŠ.
OOOH NICE!! Except for the knocked out part LOL I feel like Iâve heard that they have that effectâŠbut fr!!! I have no idea how itâd work exactly but you could also maybe consider taking a smaller dosage to see if itâs enough to keep the nausea under control without glueing your eyes shutâŠ.thatâs sometimes what I do with allergy meds LOL
PARAGLIDING omgggg HAVE FUN!!!! I can def imagine how itâd seem intimidating but I bet youâll have a lot of fun once youâre in the air!! Just channel your inner crow HAHA THE EMO MOMENT LMAOO BUT DONT LOOK OUT THE WINDOW /hj I feel like seeing the scenery and other cars move from the side perspective makes that dizzy feeling worseâŠ..could be different for you though but thatâs what Iâve noticed!
REAL lowk I wonder if itâs maybe more of a he doesnât actually know what loneliness is because heâs been left alone all his life kind of thingâŠ.but anywaysâŠ..
-Karasu anon
YOU SHOULD BE SCARED đ or alternatively grateful HAHA looking back at that 6-9k word count estimate is cracking me up because this one is making the otoya version look short đ
I DID READ IT FINALLY AND OMG WHEN NAGI CALLED THEM A MATURE PARTNERSHIP I WAS LIKE ??? why is bro reading the tumblr convos thatâs word for word what we said in the past đ also wait this is cracking me upâŠ
CANNOT believe we have a canon panel of hollyhock sengoku era otoya now âïž pov bro on his way to chill in y/nâs room instead of actually trying to find and kill reiji hiiragi as he was hired to đ€«
i do think iâve seen him with isagi the most also because of the mancity match but tbh isagi has so many more relevant duos (rin, bachira, barou, even hiori and nagi) that it feels very very one sided?? i wish yuki and kuni or yuki and reo would become a duo because i think he would work w either of them really well!! technically reo and nagi are already a thing but it could be a way to break them up and let them find new friends and partners that push them more!! and kunigami + chigiri is also a thing but chigiri is so chill w everyone that i could see kuni and yuki being like a secondary duo the way isagi and hiori are
BAROUNAGI MY FAVS IN EVERY WAY!! truly they have the relationship rin and sae could have if they were just a tiny bit more normal abt things/their rivalry (but you didnât hear that from me đ¶âđ«ïž) and LMAOO omg wait lowkey if only kunigami wasnât busy in wildcard he would also be a hilarious prospect for that kind of thing đ barou gives me such one of the girls vibes though like i bet heâd let his gf braid his hair and whatnotâŠthe SECOND one of the bllk boys says smth he tweaks heavy but he wonât take them out even if theyâre shit because like his girl worked hard on them đ LMAOOO the yuki barou team up would be wild especially when karasu is actively working against them đ° and nagi is also just there for some reason too??? i think it would be funny if he gets dragged into things as a repeated bystander and eventually he gets super invested because itâs like an episode of a drama for him but irl đ so he somehow knows everything going on but refuses to intervene on either side (which pisses barou off) because he exclusively wants the tea and doesnât really care how things end up đ© heâll randomly drop hints to move the plot along when itâs getting boring though but theyâre cryptic enough that they end up causing more chaos than anythingâŠlike âkarasu i heard y/n likes tall dark haired soccer playersâ âSHE LIKES ARYU???â
unfortunately i was knocked out on just half of a pill đ© and paragliding was super super cool + not scary at all but i DID throw up into a little plastic baggie like 5 or 6 times and was nauseous/dizzy soooo would not repeat that experience đ but honestly iâm still glad i did it because it was so fun besides the vomiting and such a unique experience!! truly felt like a little bird hahahaâŠapparently nausea and motion sickness are a symptom of my birth control so once iâm back home iâm going to call the doctor and see if they have any tips!! for now we must endure i suppose đ
truly i donât think nagi understands human connection or loneliness or anything like that too well so heâs fine living without actual relationships because you canât miss what you donât know đđ but honestly he seems like he wouldâve been very loving if he was raised normally?? like despite what everyone thinks heâs pretty loyal to reo and treats choki so nicely that if he had had a proper upbringing he probably wouldâve been such a good friend/significant other đȘ thatâs just my headcanon though until we get his actual backstory (like his childhood not just right before bllk) and see what things were likeâŠadding this to the manifestation circle because i NEED to see baby nagi!! i bet he was soooo cute (and also i need to know if he escaped the bowl cut allegations đ his hair is wavyish so i think he must be safe?? but you never know)
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do u have any suggestions on how to . meet people? ive never been approached by anyone/never even gone on a date but im 22 and so lonely and scared of dating apps:(( any suggestions on how i can Put Myself Out There
<3 sending love & a sympathetic ear because i was in a similar situation myself in my early 20s and it felt so lonely even though from talking to others i know itâs actually not so unusual. sometimes i feel like the prevalence of dating apps has made dating this activity thatâs entirely separate from the rest of your life / your social circle and itâs actually reduced the amount of casual dating we do in early adulthood. hmm anyway some suggestions:
for making friends in general: in my experience the easiest way to make friends is to pick an interest or activity + regularly show up where people do it. work or university are two obvious examples but thereâs also rec sports leagues, online meetup groups for hobbies, trivia or open mic nights at local bars, bouldering/climbing gym or another specialized sports studio, martial arts studio, group art class, knitting circles, book clubs, volunteering ⊠all good ways to expand your social circle + also valuable in themselves! it can feel intimidating to do things solo but people are pretty receptive to chatting especially if theyâre also by themselves or maybe just 2 or 3 people. additionally bumble has a BFF mode thatâs specifically for platonic connections & i have a very wonderful friend who i met from there so it might be worth a try.
and all of these ^^ situations (except bumble BFF) are good ways to meet people to date too! the only thing is for some reason in my experience, you rarely meet people to date when thatâs your only goal from the interaction. like, iâve been in social situations (outside of like bars/clubs where itâs the norm) where you can just tell that someone is only looking at new people as potential romantic interests or hookups and it just puts more pressure on every interaction. so like get out and do things and meet people, allow yourself to be open to them, if theyâre cute + available feel free to flirt but donât discount the interaction if it doesnât turn romantic yknow?
oh also tell your friends you want to start dating! you might not want to date your close friends but they probably know someone who knows someone who youâd like to date. iâve even been on a blind date that a friend set up for me and while it didnât go anywhere it was still nice + less nerve-wracking than app dates because we at least had a common interest and a single shared connection. tbh in my experience NO ONE will support your dating adventures as much as your friends who have been happily partnered and in love for years, because they want everyone else to be in love, and they need the gossip.
finally ik you said youâre scared of dating apps but theyâre not all bad! i think dating apps can be a good option for adults not in a university setting esp if you just want to meet a lot of people with low stakes. i think a lot of people (myself included) considering meeting someone on an app as less ârealâ than a cute meeting irl but the reality is a lot of single people you meet irl will also be on apps. i had a thing w this guy from an app and we ran into each a year later at a party and realized we had mutual friends and it was this nice realization like oh we wouldâve met anyway. and i know a lot of people who are in relationships that started on apps! do what youâre comfy with of course but theyâre always an option.
and of course goes without saying that there is so much love and romance to be had in life without a partner, that you can find so much joy and care and growth through friends family passions etc, that timelines are not real and that all experiences will come in time but youâve probably heard that a lot, i know i did and do. but saying it again in case u need to hear it đ€
hope some of these ideas resonate w u - ik itâs been a couple months since you asked so maybe itâll just help someone else in a similar situation. good luck! <3
finally i know you said scared of dating apps but theyâre actually not all bad and i think for adults who arenât in university itâs a great way to just kind of dip your foot in the dating pool. plus i think a lot of us (me included) tend to romanticize irl meetings when the reality is a lot of people youâd meet in a cute way irl will also be on dating apps, i had a thing w someone from an app and a year later we ran into each other at a party and realized we had mutual friends and it was a nice reminder like ok well we wouldâve met anyway, just on a later timeline. i know lots of people who are in relationships that started on them too. dating apps are also real life!!!
maybe some these ideas will resonate with you, ik itâs been a couple months since you sent it so maybe itâll just help someone else in a similar situation. good luck out there đ
#sorry again for taking so long to answer this!#i try to be more responsive with these types of questions#but ironically had a sort-of-breakup the day i got this ask & did not feel up to love life chitchat until recently#wishing u luck! đ€đœđ€#answers
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ellie did you hear about the solar storm thing thats been going around?
my friend gave me a detailed explanation abt what it is whats going to happen n all n honestly i am TERRIFIED.
like it genuinely seems so real that i cant even convince myself that this is another one of those silly things that go around each year
the fact that research for this solar storm has been going on since 2019 is ???? scary ????
makes it seem more believable tbh bc if it was not real it wouldn't have been going on for so long
IM SO SCARED đ genuinely cried when my friend was telling me ab this and she also said thwt we'll get to know ab when the solar storm is going to hit about 30 minutes before AND NOW IM PARANOID BC IT CAN HIT ANY MOMENT NOOOOO
and to top this off my mother told me that not many ppl will survive till 2027 i have no idea where she got that from but she scared me even more
this is so bad.
hii my love yess ive heard of the solar storm, i know that solar flares in general have been talked about a lot for a while now but i didnât know that there was recent news about it!
iâm sorry youâre experiencing anxiety regarding it :ââ( yeahh ive heard that solar flares are near impossible to predict in advance for a lot of reasons, so that can definitely heighten the fear
hm idk if it makes you feel better but i remember nasa n other news outlets were talking about solar storms the exact same way about a year ago (i just remember telling my dad ab it cuz he works in aerospace n figured his company mightâve been discussing it) but nothing happened at all within the six month period that the news had been freaking out about LOL. i panicked a lot then too n my dad said it was just fear mongering lmfaoo đ (heâs kind of a cynic though haha) but yea i just bring this up because itâs not the first time this sort of news has been sensationalized
following any sort of space stuff can be scary for sure n itâs super easy to get lost in article rabbit holes that can really disrupt your quality of life in the present :( but i think there have been multiple instances of space phenomena that have been hyped up in media (even by a lot of reputable news outlets) that have not really affected daily life as much as it was thought to (like the never ending cycle of news about new asteroids, the whole aliens thing, etc)
i think itâs important to remember that the scientists that are actually behind the research are completely different entities than the people writing up articles about it online, so you always have to take the news with a grain of salt or maybe try to look into accounts from the actual researchers behind the findings (who, more often than not iâve found, donât even panic about their own research to the level of extent a lot of media ppl do online haha)
iâm not saying i donât believe in the possibility of a solar storm or anything like that lol i just think thereâs a lot of tendency in news these days to scare tf outta people for no reason
also correct me if im wrong but the largest danger of a solar storm would be disruption of radio & internet frequencies right? i thought they werent actually powerful enough to cause any sort of biological radiation harm ;0 loss of internet access would definitely be a weird thing to see and could put stress on more developed countries, but a lot of the world doesnt even have internet access to begin with so iâm not sure how much it will actually affect livelihood (iâm aware that itâd affect a LOT of things for sure, but iâm talking ab dangers like life or death situations, n i just cant imagine that being the case? but if youâve looked into that more than i have n have more to share then lemme know iâm really curious)
sorry, im just bringing this all up in hopes it helps w your fears, n not to invalidate them! bc i totally get it, itâs scary stuff esp when itâs stuff you feel like you have no control over. but thereâs a lot of things in life we have no control over, i think itâs best to just focus on what we can control n just try to enjoy today :)
thank u for ask bb <3
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could you elaborate on your idea of treating dysphoria with therapy. i guess you don't have it figured out yet because if you did you would've already therapied the dysphoria out of yourself. but like. what are your ideas? where do you think dysphoria comes from? how could one fix it with therapy? conversion therapy gets a bad rep, how different or similar is your idea of fixing dysphoria with therapy from the spooky idea people have of conversion therapy? anything else you want add
oh i sure the fuck don't have it figured out. i have no kind of education or training or qualifications in anything like that i am just another dysphoric dyke on the internet. i just wish anyone who IS in that field seemed 2 b listening lol
so im not aware of any standardised therapy to target dysphoria in any way, but ive known & heard from soooo many detrans/desisted/reidentified/etc women that therapy has either hugely helped w their dysphoria or in some cases they've been able to eliminate it entirely. a lot of the time ppl talk like dysphoria is smthn that is just ingrained into you as a person, something you're born with and something that - unless u transition - u will eventually die with. but that's not true! there are often very real causes that can be found out and dealt with. fr example a lot of women have identified the main cause of their dysphoria to be childhood trauma, often abuse and very often sexual abuse (it doesn't take a genius to figure out why this would lead to someone hating/resenting/feeling wrong in/being disgusted by their body. doesn't take a genius to figure out why they'd want to be male instead.) and i mean. listen talking with a group of women anyway there's usually a lot of trauma. but talking with a group of transmascs is like. jesus fucking christ there is so often so much awful shit that has happened to them. (in fact this def applies to transwomen too tbh, ive known a looot of transwomen w a history of sexual abuse. not as many as transmen but definitely higher than the general male population). physical abuse (or witnessing the physical abuse of a mother) can be another cause; that feeling of never wanting to be a scared helpless little girl again and wanting to be strong and able to defend yourself - things that are usually associated w men. these thoughts aren't usually conscious, its not like u think "i want to be a man bc i blame my body for what was done to me and i feel like if i could get out of my skin and be something more powerful i'd be safe and happy" - but thats what ppl often find out in therapy, and after coming 2 terms w that they find they don't have to take it out on themselves anymore and they manage to make peace with their body.
for a lot of women their dysphoria was caused by simple social restriction - ive no doubt in my mind that a huge reason for mine is not being able to be topless in public or have my shirt unbuttoned or jesus christ even just. just fucking EXIST without them having to be an ISSUE. i weaned myself off binding years ago and for a long time i managed 2 get to a place where i didnt even think abt my chest that much. and then some guy makes one comment abt how i never wear bras and its like. oh god i had tried to forget that you people can SEE them. and that sent me into a lil spiral for like a month lol đ pair that w going to mcr nj and forgetting to wear a bra the first night and finding my movement severely restricted due to not wanting my tits flying everywhere and i came back from that trip like. can someone just fuciing cut them off. (mcr PLEASE stop transing my gender im not strong enough...) (actually i was going to say that after that trip i wore a binder for the first time in years but i think im getting my timeline mixed up. i think that was before the show actually. bc i distinctly remember that i packed it for the trip 'just in case' and that was after i'd already worn it once around the house & once to a wedding) and obviously idk what the solution is for me there but i think a combination of therapy & lifestyle changes could help me get at least somewhere. i know that for other women lifestyle changes have been a huge factor - living & being around only women has been so healing fr a lot of detrans/dysphoric ladies & ive read some really moving things abt the impact going to womyns land has had fr some. misogyny in general can really wear down how u feel abt ur body over time, without u ever necessarily attributing your feelings to that. and when i say 'misogyny' im also including the simple existence of gender in that! to be born and to be separated into a category based on your body and to have that be something thats supposed to dictate how you live your entire life - you have a vagina so you have to wear this and act like this and people will have these expectations of u and you're limited by these restrictions and if you step out of line, if u dont do femininity or dont do it well enough, you will be punished. by god of course u grow to hate your body and your role in the world. of course u wish u could be a man and just fucking. live and breathe and exist without all these stupid fucking made-up rules & requirements! for a lot of ppl, recognising that & recognising that the problem doesn't lie with them, but with a society that made them feel that way, is huge. & after that realisation they can begin a process of forgiving their body. turning the blame out from where they've internalised it. & this is definitely why so many detrans/desisted/reidentified women get so hard into feminism. that's what brought me to radblr in the first place & started my own process of reidentification!
now obv i can't cover every possible cause of dysphoria here bc its as many & varied as ppl are. and listen im on mobile so i cant see how long this is but jesus christ i know it must be fucking long. and its still going to get much longer! so there is one last obvious cause of dysphoria that no-one likes to talk abt, but which is probably THE most concretely linked: being gay! for at LEAST hundreds of years (im sure there are some ladies around here who could attest to older sources tbh, it could be millenia for all i know) lesbians have written about feeling like they're a man's soul in a woman's body. sexual inversion theory was the default belief for how and why people were homosexual for a long, long time. and that theory is so completely alive and well. im not even going to say any more on this one. it's obvious and i think almost every single butch lesbian (& plenty of non-butch lesbians) feels this at SOME point. the proportion of homosexuals in the transgender population is definitely higher than in the general population. however even if ur het that can induce dysphoria too, cause u get ppl who say they don't want to date men as a woman, they want to do it as a man - which a lot of ppl put down to gay fetishisation but i don't think its all about that. i think its abt wanting to be on equal footing. so no-one is safe really!
ok. so what is the difference between this and conversion therapy. conversion therapy in my mind is smthn that seeks to 'correct' your behaviour/identity, rather than smthn with the goal of alleviating distress. like i don't think any of the stuff ive talked abt should b done w the goal of making someone not identify as trans anymore - idk identify how u want i guess. the identity isn't really the thing that matters. u don't even need to identify as trans in the first place for any of that stuff to b helpful - it's all abt lessening the distress u feel w ur own body. and the main thing 'trans conversion therapy' means 2 me is trying to force gender conformity on someone. like trying to get them to accept their assigned gender role. to get a gnc female who identifies as transmasc to ditch not only the identity but the gnc behaviours & presentation and accept their 'place' in the world as a woman. and gender (a word which to me is synonymous with the phrase 'gender roles' like they dont exist separately that is literally what gender is. its roles.) is my greatest enemy in the world FUCK gender and i don't ever ever think anyone should b forced to abide by it. i think it is the greatest evil on this planet. to me, the comparison of therapeutic dysphoria treatment to conversion therapy is like. say if someone was gay, and was severely distressed by being gay. they couldn't accept it and they hated it and they were depressed about it. this person would definitely benefit from therapy to help them ACCEPT the fact that they're gay and to help them feel comfortable with themselves about it. which is very very different from a 'therapy' which aims to make them not gay anymore. u know?
now im not going to pretend i know or even believe that everyone's dysphoria can be alleviated or erased with therapy. i have no idea how many ppl this would work for. maybe it would help 5% of ppl, maybe it would help 50%, or 95%. honest to god i have no idea. and sometimes figuring out the root causes of your dysphoria doesn't really do jack shit. there's a lot of things in my life i could point to that explain mine. but the trouble is that knowing that doesn't make it go away. it's a mental illness & it's as complicated & often stubborn as any other. chances are that therapy would help some ppl and not help others. and if u try it out & it doesn't help & u still think transition is the right path, then cool! if that's an informed choice and a medical risk/commitment you're willing to take then honestly i believe in giving ppl that right. but like i said the other day, the big thing is that without the OPTION of psychological treatment, there's really only the option of transition. well that's not tru actually, because some people do choose to simply live w their dysphoria, much as one might live w many other mental illnesses. i feel like that's also not an option spoken about often. u can actually just live with it. learn to manage it rather than try to cure it, let it ebb & flow. a lot of the time that will suck, but what mental illness doesn't? for many ppl, learning ways to manage & live w their dysphoria is a more sensible choice for their lifestyle than transition, which basically makes u a lifelong medical patient. for some ppl it's better than taking the health risks. sometimes u just gotta power thru.
anything else i want to add - yes, of course there is. there's a million things i could probably add. i could talk abt this for hours. actually i probably have bc i kept coming back 2 this on breaks at work so im sure ive put a couple of hrs into it by now. i didn't even mention eating disorders and how commonly comorbid they are w dysphoria; how it's all just different forms of body dysmorphia (but as many ppl have said, when an anorexic tells a doctor their body is wrong the doctor tell them no, your mind is wrong, and you need psychological treatment. not so with dysphoria.) the transwomen ive seen basically turn into plastic surgery addicts always seeking more and more changes bc they don't reach the end-point they'd imagined, where they're happy w their body now, bc the discomfort always came from inside their head and their body was never really the problem. the transmen who plan on just taking hormones but not getting top surgery, or vice versa, and then end up doing both AND getting phallo and often still finding themselves unsatisfied at the end. the unrealistic expectations people often have in the first place when starting transition, and the doctors who, instead of being realistic and helping patients to manage their expectations, promise the absolute world - leaving ppl completely mentally unprepared if things donât go so well, where perhaps some therapy beforehand could have helped them accept what theyâre getting into. the studies showing that although ppl REPORT being happier after transition, their life satisfaction scores on assessments aren't actually any higher than before. but i just got home and got to my computer and it turns out this reply is already. my god. over 2,000 words long. and holy shit even viewing it on desktop itâs enormous. so u gotta know when to quit i guess.
thank u so much for asking this. yâall know how much i love to talk abt this topic. i know everything is split into âsidesâ on this sometimes, like itâs just some discourse, but itâs real peopleâs real lives and itâs so so important to me for everyone to see that. i want trans & dysphoric ppl to have more options, and to know about the options that they do have. there may not be any standardised dysphoria therapy but as i say, many women HAVE had life-changing results with other kinds of therapy, and there are many professionals out there who will absolutely work with you to the best of their ability if you want to get to the bottom of your dysphoria and come up with ways to lessen it or manage it. unfortunately, there are also many who will run for the hills because they donât want to endanger their licence or reputation by being branded as conversion therapists. and i want feminists who see this as a solely political issue to see the humanity here and to recognise that dysphoria is a very real and often very debilitating mental illness that canât always be cured by just explaining to someone that gender is made-up and bad. and no-one is a traitor to the female sex or an inherent misogynist for the choices they make to deal with that mental illness and live their happiest life.
and im. so sorry for all of ur dashboards. but hey, if u can scroll past 79 images per day of my chemical romance, then im sure u can scroll past this too if itâs of no interest to u. i hope not tho. if u read this all then god bless i am so thankful. everyone have a wonderful day <3 i am going to go have a nice big glass of mead bc itâs been a long night & all this thinking make hal head hurt. peace âïž
#ask#anonymous#that's 2500 words. thats literally an entire essay. thats insane. llisten.. i just hve a lot of feelings ok :(#and. a lot of opinions.#trans#â tag just so i can find this in future. i spent so long on it i feel like i shouldnt let it just get lost in the archive lol
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tagged by @changingcore / 15 questions for 15 mutuals (oh fuck do i even have that many)
are you named after anyone? - birth name, nope. does it count if i got my chosen name from a fictional character??
when was the last time you cried? - this morning!! nothing 2 be concerned about i got woken up by the fire alarm (also nothing to be concerned about it just needs the battery replaced) and was so tired & upset i started crying, which happens. more often than i would like. hm. maybe i named myself after the wrong afton kid
do you have kids? - nope!! i do like interacting with them though but only like 3 max at a time JFJRJFNG
do you use sarcasm a lot? - irl yes, online only sparingly. & i make it very exaggerated not usually deadpanned or anything so people can Tell (which of course nobody needs except for Me but i digress)
what sports do you play/have played? - did soccer when i was a little kid (Hated It), was on a swim team for a while, and did marching band for the longest (which is my favorite and yes it counts as a sport and you cannot say it doesn't until you've been in marching band. cunt)
what's the first thing you notice about other people? - typically clothes and then hair! i have a relatively mild (but still pretty bad compared to ppl without it) case of face-blindness, and i CANNOT tell people apart by their faces at all unless they have smth like a bunch of facial piercings or a scar or smth Noticable so i tend to look at other things first.
eye colour? - ??? hazel-brown ??? no idea tbh but at least partially brown
scary movies or happy endings? - HAPPY ENDINGS. i am soso scared of scary movies i will gladly watch the little prince for the 60th time. Alternate Universe - Everybody Lives / Nobody Dies is one of my favorite tags on ao3.
any special talents? - ? What does this mean. i guess proofreading/editing?? i have always LOVED doing it and i just. naturally keep track of all the Language Rules and enjoy using them. the autism kicking in i suppose. and yes it does count as a special talent actually you would not BELIEVE how many candies i got in 5th grade from ppl bribing me to read over their essays.
where were you born? - arizona/usa. same town as my mom actually (despite her moving like 7 times in between her birth and mine)
what are your hobbies? - listen to music and pace around my room until i pass out. and painting, writing, drawing, various other arts n crafts, guitar, percussion when i have the chance (rn i only have a practice pad :|), and mobile games of heavily varying quality.
do you have any pets? - not atm but i used to have two cats (both still alive just in different household) that i still consider my little kitties :] i have 150+ pictures of them on my phone if you ever need cats i Got you
how tall are you? - 5'11" now!!! was hovering around 5'7"-8" for the longest time but i recently had a growth spurt and now im only the SECOND shortest in my family (out of six)
favourite subject in school? - by the material probably math! it is sometimes difficult for me to get a concept but once i do it's Easy. i also do have an advantage (parent has math degree and is good at explaining) but i try and make up for it by helping everyone else as much as i can jfjdndjf. by the Class def band/music class if that counts. both of my music teachers have been both very scary yet very nice to me and i loved their classes so so much and i extremely enjoy playing instruments with other people (when they behave)
dream job? - sorting pokemon cards in a comfortable chair as a day job with a 4 day workweek, being a freelance renowned fiction editor on my own time, with occasional music-related gigs (tutoring, repairing stuff, playing in concerts, etc). i give you no shit if i could do that for the rest of my life and get paid well enough to live on my own or with roommates i like, have a cat, and have enough time and energy to homecook a meal 3-4 nights a week i would be so happy. that's all i want in life. "oh you would get bored doing the same thing day in day out" no i wouldn't "how" autism.
tags: @irradiatedblood @schmope-is-dead @sapphireclaw @bmo-2143 @pokette @soldiertransgender @astral--horrorshow @catnerdenby @unrestrainedbalderdash @buggiboo @lunar-anomaly @altruisticmystik @syntacticerrortxt @catlokis-blog @rosesareredjaybirdsareblue . okay. okay i think that's 15. im pretty sure. jegus.
#chatter#tag game#as usual no pressure and lmk if you don't want to be tagged in things like this!!!#terrence. if u r seeing this. i am so sorry this took insanely long JGJFJJSKFMMGJT#i realize i did not have to do it but i DID .!!!!!!! it's been in my drafts forever ive been slowly chipping at it
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How did you get passed that? (Feeling uncomfortable) Im having a hard time putting myself out there and honestly that's encouraged me
tbh i had to take my own advice and just be myself. a lot of what made me uncomfortable was how much staging, both un front and behind the scenes, that can go into 'content production'. i used to create content and do branding for a pr firm, and i found the whole thing to be farcical and off putting in every sense. the idea that i had to 'edit' or present myself/everything in the background in a certain way felt unnatural and awkward. so i had to get over that and myself, and prioritise what was important to me which is delivering the information and knowledge that i wanted to share as well as i could. âid encourage you to do the same. look at the obstacle (what makes you uncomfortable doing what you want to do), and go about doing it in a way thats lets you show up comfortably and authentically. the worst that can happen is that ppl will perceive you and not like what they see, but u might as well get that over and done with if its the case lol, because you are you and that is what it is. whats most important isnt perception but being good at what you do and enjoying it. so study, enjoy the study and once you think your ready go for it. if you never think your ready, go for it and find out if you are.
i rly hope that helps. and if its any consolation, there was a time (a while ago now but whatever) that posting anything online made me feel super awkward. id over analyse everything about myself to the point where i didnt want to post at all. going over the videos i made, considering how i could have worded things differently, felt very similar to that. but 1) there is a difference between having standards and scrutiny. 2) feeling discomfort isnt the same as evidence that you shouldnt do the thing. 3) if i didnt get comfortable being myself out loud, you would never be asking me this now. the things i put out into the world do represent me, but them not being perfect wont kill me. what will kill me is 40 years from now, when i realise i never gave myself the opportunity to exist as myself freely, and the regret and untapped potential either makes me so bitter im a horror to be around, or so resentful and scared of my mistakes that i off myself :). so go be free love. send me links to ur stuff when your ready (whatever it is) and ill check u out. best of luck <3
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ïŒ 11-15-2024 ïŒ daily post? idk how often iâll do this.
tw(s) - none. i just have a panic attack / meltdown lolllz
f; Mikey/Frankie - host
â art ; 9:20AM - 10:30AM ( 2nd period )
i'm so behind in this class đ im literally an artist but like i just don't pay attention alot of the time.. im trying to get back on it but idk
next period is urban conservation and i'm going crazy because my boyfriend won't be here today and that period (+ the rest of the day) is whenever i spend time with him.. AND HIS PHONE IS BROKENNNNN I MISS MY HUSBAMMDNDND (hashtag bpd struggles i want my fp)
speaking of husband our 2montths is tmrw!!! yay! im peeing with excitement like a dog cuz like 2months???? YAYYYY cant wait for marriage
uodate im not trying in art class rn. i dont care rn yâall im just gonna draw on my own. EFF ZEN TANGLES IM TOO TIRWDDDDDD DUDE đ
my mom has no money but i want food frm the vending machinr and she doesnt let me get a job (or my permit.) so im just fucked i guess!
ok rn im lowkkey having a huuuuge fuckin panic attack like okay!!!!!!!!! awsum!!!! ahahahababababbaa. can i be okay is that an option
last night i had a dream about being in a psych ward. iâve had them in the past, usually like a few time a year? theyâre slowly getting more personal and realistic and iâm actually so scared thatâs a sign.. cuz iâve had dreams wiht meaning before that come truw :/
im so anxious im DYING!!!!!! my head hurttss... listening to misfits while crashing out is probs stupid on my end so ill chnage it.... :(
â urban c. ; 10:40AM - 11:50AM ( 3rd period )
ugh i actually camt focus :( ill probably just draw i feel lkke shit. walking frm my last class to this one wore me outtt....... :/ i got so fuckkng scared since my safe person isnt here and i kinda thought so.eone would kill me at any moment but ir hasnt happened yet.
oh thank god he went bcak over the answers.... i had no idea what was going on...
f; Khris & co; Johnnie
â lunch ; 11:50AM - 12:20PM ( approx,, )
i'm sitting at lunch with our friend rn! she's like on the phone rn,,, so i'm fucking around on my computer until next period i guesss. i think our bf is hopefully getting his phoen fixed??? god i hope so .. im stalking his location like a freak but tbh frankie showed me it because he stalks him alot... WITH HIS CONSENNTNTT
our friend rly likes andy biersack so she told me abt his tattoos... i sadly know like nothing abt black veil brides but i think its coooll
some kid is shouting abt cishet white men,,, errr like ok i get the hate but cmon. i'm not really eating at lunch im just hangin hereee
someone is talking loudly about their alters, idk how to feel abt that.
i did one assignment in the middle of lunch, its so fucking hot out im dying....FUCKKK IT WAS LIKE 37 THIS MORNNINGNGN
â asian studies ; 112:30PM - 1:45M ( 4thïżŒ )
i got to class late... by like 1 min tho so its chill. i talked to my friend abt some weird shit which was interesting? im exhausted kinda. im hot but cant take off my hoodie cuz my scars :/
ughhhghghhg i have catch up work to do and suddenly im dissociating this is bullshit
f; Loretta
I'm going to be typing properly, because typing.. however that is, makes my head hurt. I'm currently trying to get some work done while keeping us calm. I want to work on our craft/practice, but school comes first. I have no idea what's happening after school, as our boyfriend cannot text and school ends soon. I'll just plan it out as best as I can in my head? I definitely need us to do laundry. It's piling up very bad.
f; mikey / frankie & co ; loretta
BO9YFRIEND HAS PHOENBBACK OGGOG BOFYRIENDNDDND
i'm so shakey and can't process noise and all that.. everything is so weird im so scared of everythint spsoososooss bruh. time to research the brobecks to soothe myself
â media ; 1:50 - 3:00PM ( last period. )
i feel absolutely horrible. i cant brwathe i reel like im going to sob amd puke i jsyt wannabgo hoke
my mom isnt answrring me like o hate her but lowkey olease acknlwlddmge im habing a panic attaxi
im aboutnto cry in class i cant takehrhjjs. im havjng flashbadks too. i justbwanna go home
im about ti leave school thank fuck. i feel awfuk and just cant think. i keep thinking abt the weird psych ward dream i had.
okay im going to ennd this journal thing here since its longnand boring and infeel like shit
if you actuallt read this, thank you:3
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do you have tips for experiencing shame around your sexuality? specifically the part where i like girls.
for some context, iâve known i like women for about 5 maybe a little more years now and i never had any issues with it, i love women and dating them seems like an ideal for me, iâve had a crush on my bsf (how typical) then another two girl crushes and then i had a break in crushes for a good moment before having two crushes on men, now i think i like a girl? i mean sheâs pretty and im interested in getting to know her so i classify that as liking someone, as i am interested in pursuing her.
so the issue, im not like sure if itâs an issue but kinda? itâs very hard for me to speak about her and the fact that i like her, i was discussing crushes recently with a friend and our whole conversation was based on my male crushes, because i just felt this like blockage when i wanted to speak about the girl, (my friends knows i like that girl, so itâs not even about telling them, which i casually mentioned it maybe twice.)
im also scared to talk about the girl because im afraid someone around will hear, whether thatâs someone in my home or at school, i just seem to be terrified at the idea that other people will know i like women and while i donât have to make this a well known fact about myself, if i were dating a girl hypothetically [as i am not now :(] i wouldnât want to hide it, but im scared i will have the same approach, like my sexuality has to be hidden.
i know my sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, but in practise it seems harder to accept it.
You mentioned you had a few crushes on girls before having crushes on those 2 guys, how was it for you those crushes? I mean, back when you had them did you talk with anyone about them?
Tbh from everything you said it doesnât seem like your issue is about being ashamed regarding your sexuality and your attraction to women, from what you said the main issues you donât really talk about that crush is because youâre afraid people will know about it, and thatâs a perfect reasonable worry considering a lot of people are homophobic.
If you really want to talk about your crushes on girls Iâd do it either online (like through messages with your friends) or in places where you know other people wonât hear you if your main issue is other people finding out about your sexuality.
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đ§â»ïžđ€đïžđ€Ą teehee
đ§An alternative title to your/ one of your WIP(s)?
Iâll cheat b/c im scared to say with certainty what an alt title is for my WIPs when i might go back to it. That being said, if you wanna know the titles of my Docs theyâre so funny bc im scared of giving myself away so theyâre all titled stuff like. LJ3P, ZJP, Pre-SB, J2JP etc etc.
Anyway. Why is it all of sudden i canât think of anythingâŠ. The problem is there are a couple i could throw out but i also am considering using them for LJ3P or LJ3 fwb wip titles
There was a version of Biggest Lie that had a lyric from Casual as itâs title but i genuinely canât remember what it was.
Oh! I remember one. i mightâve mentioned this before but âand heâs not with you (the universe must have divined this)â from Boyfriend was in the running for Stay / Leave! Picking something for that one was tough. (IYWD and Almost were ones that once it hit i felt so Certain w/ honestly not that much waffling. IYWD was a joke title i just started to like For Real and meanwhile settling on something Biggest Lie n Stay / Leave were llke UGH.)
â»ïžA scrapped idea for your current WIP
There was a whole version of LJ3porter that actually DID involve devils honey but I think the idea of a substance like that fucking with Ellieâs head had like darker implications for her than it did for blue b/c he was like. kinda into it. that being said in the draft she subjected herself to it but it still felt weird b/c it was fucking with her memory and making it unreliable narrator and i wasnât sure how to convey that without the vibe coming across that like. Porter had a hand in it or something.
Tbh the devils honey stuff is actually a better fit for the LJ3 LSOP macbeth concept so im glad thereâs a place for it bc i do think Ellie having a devils honey moment IS interesting but its not right for this story
đ€Whatâs a story youâd love to write but havenât even started yet?
mentioned so so so so so briefly but again i think writing some sort of reincarnation au fic would be fun. I donât have any concrete ideas for it but i do want ellie to find her boys.
I also geuinely am. still. like so so so so so so compelled by the concept of a LJ3 LSOP macbeth fic, especially the version with the use of devilâs honey which i know is a hard sell but idc. But i think something like. intentionally kind of disorienting and maybe even J4 pov would be difficult but like so so interesting. The Eternal Sunshine angle like really got to me but ALSO there might be an excuse to write LJ3Porter toxic threesome which i think is fun
I wonât lie. the thing about anxious overthinking girlfriend Ellie x boyfriend who fucks her till she canât think straight j3 convo especially the degredation stuff where they get kinda mean w/ each other like absolutely gripped me so like. I may do that too. Lol
đPost Any sentence from your wip
Ellieâs arms dangle off the bed.
âThis thing is too small for the both of usâŠâ says J3 with a shaky laugh. He knows what he wants to really say, but heâs too afraid to say it.
J4 is quiet, still on top of him. âSorry, I didnâtâI⊠I donât want things to be complicated. You know?â
He should tell her the truth. âProbably for the best.â
đ€Ą How many Wips are you actively working on?
Tee hee indeed. I am boo boo the fool.
oh my god. Um⊠LJ3Porter wip (i will not shut up abt this). LJ3 FWB fic. Are the main two.
J2JacePorter w/ creeper Jace is waiting until AFTER i finish at least one of those but its not abandoned so it counts and it is something i do wanna finish so badly. The docs for my Pre-shatterstar sb fic and the Zarajaceporter fic i havenât touched in a hot sec but like. I wouldnât consider them abandoned, iâll probably return to them⊠And I almost forgot that I have a j2j3 prompt i need to finish that i did work on a little bit the other day but like. wasnât happy with. And i technically have written for the Oliviaviola J2 seducing Jace for Porter fic. Like. A few sentences but i do want to finish it. Anyway itâs absolutely histerical that I am genuinely like. But what if i started a reincarnation au wip or an LJ3 macbeth fic!
So like. 2.75 that iâm actually volleying between with real sincerity, and i think 7-ish to count like. i have not given up on it and do plan on finishing it.
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THE TRAINEE RMABLINGS (FO NOT READ TILL YOURE DONE WITH THE RECENT ELISODE(
first off . im a little bit in love with ryans sister (ink is his sister if i'm remembering correctly lmao) shes really pretty & makes me laugh i love her
ba-mhee & judy ???? i cant Wait . im so excited đđđ
pahs hilarious. him and pie ?? im Excited . i like both of them so much already individually and what we've seen in their dynamic so far has me on the edge of my metaphorical seat wanting more
then . pie. the scene where she cries ? i Did Not expect to cry along with her. like holy shit. the emotions in that scene were so fucking poignant i couldnt not cry.
someones comment:
and theres no part of me that disagrees lmao i love him so much for that & for this entire episode tbh hes just . so fucking cool. & unfortunately constantly under a shitton of stress :/
jane & ryan having fucking Moments ajdjskfl for a little while i actually forgot that there was gonna be romance & when it happened i was like sjdjkslflskfjsh
+ the talk they had after ??? made my day . ryan was smiling all the way home & so was i . cant wait to see them lose focus and have a consensual workplace relationship lmao đ«¶đŸ
ryan ryan ryan & his eyes that are like . Always so Big and so Scared at first it was a little funny but now i'm constantly wondering if hes just Like This or if something happened in the past to make him so scared all the time ??? + whats the backstory on his name (he mentioned smth about that in ep1 i think) (im holding myself back from rewatching any of it till the entire shows over lmao) and will it be relevant to the story ??
anyways . you have No Idea how much i appreciate being able to say all this to you thanks for this đ«Ą
the fact that the episodes come out while iâm asleep is so rude, plus i had to wait for my sister to wake up and watch it with me. so without having read any of your thoughts here are mine while watching ep3:
someone needs to sit down with ryan and go through how it all works. also work out how to get him to communicate instead of shutting down. heâs kinda getting on my nerves with the incompetence but also literally everything is going wrong for him so i can relate
i actually love Pie, sheâs great
ok actually enjoying ryan being more settled and confident in what heâs doing after talking to ink and then jane. also jane trusting him seems to have helped a lot
i feel so bad for pie for messing up, she was not having a great day. but then jane sort of standing up for her and showing he isnât as harsh as everyone thinks worked so well as a scene right after her complaining about him.
ryan is such a cartoon character sometimes lmfao, i canât even describe it
iâm so invested in this show i canât even
having finished the episode and read your thoughts:
also terribly in love with ink, you are so right. can we get a spin off show with her please
pah and pie with the mangosteens was such a good scene, love the awkward bonding and i too am so excited to see where their dynamic goes
pie needs a hug. sheâs gone from being confident and the best to the bottom of the food chain and making mistakes. itâs actually so interesting to her and ryanâs characters go in opposite directions this episode. as in she goes from being confident to being pulled down and unsure and ryan goes from being scared and lost to knowing what heâs doing.
i canât not love jane standing up for and protecting his interns, what a guy
all the jane and ryan moments are so fucking funny to me. cause itâs fully from ryanâs perspective and every moment is just jane stopping to take care of him and ryan being head over heels because of that
maybe a relationship would fix jane. his job being everything cannot be healthy and he needs to lose some stress
i need need need ryanâs backstory. why is he so scared of messing up to the point of freezing up and yeah whatâs up with his name? why is it so important
i am loving being able to read your thoughts and word vomit my thoughts in return itâs so great. best start to the week !!
#also iâm fully pushing the found family agenda onto these interns#i love them#asks <3#kal!#the trainee
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noo i donât think ur wrong for that, in my opinion fanfiction as an interesting⊠is just a very grey area type of thing in general, and if u donât like reading sexual wlw fics (with idols) then like, u shouldnât be made to do that lol⊠i get it. tbh i donât rly read female idol fics, i like a few girl groups that i keep up with and 2 girls that come to mind that i really like are chaeryoung (itzy) and nayoung (lightsum)⊠like they just give me butterflies lmaooo but like i donât even rly see them in that much of a sexual way but itâs def like a gay way.. i sound insane but again, i fear you understand međđđ but bottom line, if ur not into smth in fics.. thatâs fine. it would be weird if ppl were like âu have to read [fic genre]!!!!â lmfaoo
i had a slight issue when i started reading fics again with toxic and noncon stuff and honestly i still read things sometimes and am just like⊠wtf is wrong with pplđłđł but i also understand this is meant to be a safe space and itâs all fiction and sending hateful messages to people is not productive so if i donât like smth i just donât continue reading it or try to avoid fics with similar content lol.. something more ppl should do! but i obviously like toxic headcanons and such now but itâs.. fiction, itâs like,, a roleplay almost itâs like a story and itâs not something i would ever want to experience irl.. and i think itâs just one of those things that if u get it, u get it and if u donât, u donât.
im also slowly starting to understand more and more the idea of dark fic content as a coping mechanism, and i think thatâs really cool. itâs definitely not for everyone and thatâs okay! but again, if itâs not for u, donât do it, simple as that.
i donât want to turn ur inbox into a soapbox or whatever the expression is, so chubby chaser jake time! im just making excuses to talk about chubby!reader but of course this is ur blog though and i like talking to u so if u ever did want to talk more about such topics im down!! im just getting myself away from going on a tangent atm
jake would 100% think itâs really hot if ur collarbones werenât visible at all because of how soft u weređ€đ€ would go crazy for the arm pudge that sticks out from your sleeves, being pushed outwards by your bra wiring.. and if you lift your arms up and your shirt rides up to expose the underside of your tummy, itâs over for him<333 he looks so soft n sweet in the new enha concept pics.. need that jake to be an obsessed loser boy⊠again, going dark mode, thinking about him masturbating at home to pictures of u on social media thinking about getting his hands on your soft squishy body and making u all his :((((
- đ„ anon
Bro that girl from itzy is sooooo pretty, i honestly can't understand how some people call her ugly??? but yeah, fanfiction is full of grey areas and of course I'm not forcing myself to read a type of fiction I don't enjoy. Still, I'm afraid I could be also be categorized with those guys that have the madonna-whore complex which is the only thing I'm scared đ I understand that is not a requirement for me or any human to sexualize people. Still, at the same time I hate that my aversion for reading fics with real women idols as lovers could also be seen as a way to project them as people that shouldn't be seen in a sexual light when all women are individuals who deserve feeling pleasure too (okay maybe right now I sound crazy but I swear I have many things in my mind that I can connect with this idea I have). Well, in the end I know that I'm not having any kind of real relationship with them so not the world or any person will be affected by the fact that I don't enjoy that kind of content, I'm just an overthinker who reads and feels too much đđđ
Also, sure people can enjoy any kind of content while not harming others. Personally, I love death dove do not eat, dubcon, noncon, etc, and it's totally okay to see dark fiction as a coping mechanism, but I don't think that is the only reason why people enjoy it or should base liking dark content (not that you said this, it's just a little thing I've had in my head). People, like I said, can like anything they want, and dark fanfiction it's all words and no real act of harm, and writers, and readers, being real individuals in a society with values to coexist, should understand what is correct or not in real life, and we can't control people by hiding or creating certain a kind of content, if they want to find something, they're going to do it, whether is on tumblr, ao3 or any other platform. Also, I find it dumb how the people who go out to defend the morality of fanfiction (not only with dark content but with smut in general) are also the ones sending a ton of hate to people who do enjoy it as if they had a special spot in heaven to fight for đ. (sorry I'm half asleep so maybe I don't make any sense and I'm just blabbering, I can talk about nothing and just keep and keep going)
CHANGING SUBJECTS, JAKE WITH CHUBBY!READER... I can't lie, the last concept pictures are fucking good. I love the lightning, the palette, THE PICTURE OF HIM UNDER THE TABLE WITH THOSE GLASSES???? It's totally dark fic potential. I can't help but imagine obsessed!coworker!Jake hiding in the weirdest places to spy on you. Jake going under the desk and looking up at you with those puppy eyes and those glasses begging to eat you out. So pervert!Jake too, tilting his glasses and maybe sometimes his eye twitching?! (that maybe sounds insane but with that pretty smile I imagine him looking at your mouth when you talk, his eye twitching and then moving his eyes down to your chest, pretending is because of something he can't control đ). AND THE SHIRT THAT RIDES UP, ARE WE THINKING THE SAME??? Maybe loser!Jake working in a store with you and asking you to help him accommodate things up just to see your uniform moving with your movements đ- this boy would totally make something sick too, maybe masturbating with pictures he took of you while you were in the changing room, or what if he's a manager... asking for some help after the end of a shift and convincing you to open your legs for him if you want that special help from him with your schedule since you have an important exam đ„ș, oh but, also, if he feels like being kind to you because he likes you a lot, he won't try to fuck you, not at all, yeah, Jake is such a respectful boy, he only wants to see your plushy legs and maybe for you to show him your pretty ass to then slid his cock between your thick thighs... and maybe you could get used to the extra help too, telling him that he could slip inside if he gives you extra vacations day too...
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HELLO SWEETHEART HOW R U TODAY? haha im hypersensitive because yuck last night i didnât sleep at all, stayed up till 7am to edit/fix my newest update. i was too depressed in may and whole month i didnât post or touch wattpad. i was surprised that it actually took me only 2 nights to finish my planned writing. i tend to write between 1k-2k words for 1 chapter because i do long series. only prob is do i have the mood for creative ideas or not. it needs to match my vibe of that fiction.
oh and tbh i crave for smut but i rarely write them (mostly avoid them intentionally) because it hurts my back (whole body). writing smut is a bigger form of art and yeh i usually enjoy eating up than cooking. 1 smut chapter tends to be somewhere between 3-6k words so... i... i mean... đ sorry for my readers. tbh i was sooo happy that they all greeted me when i came back after disappearing for a month without any warning đ (i feel so bad but at least i survived and served them hehe). đ€đâš lucky and grateful to say that they love the newest chapter so much. they said i did so well (im so proud of myself and them đœđ literally wrote that in 2 nights wtf).
sorry honey i talked too much again. just im very happy today âš u can totally tell cuz i usually do not use so many icons hehe. expressing love!! anyway i gain courage and support and yeh most importantly the mood from you after sending in the latest ask (i went to wattpad right after that ask to note down my ideas then fucking went feral with speed running) hope youâll receive the same energy and have some good free time to write your lovely words down! writing and imagining is my way to relax/run away from reality/save myself so i usually use it as method to calm my unstable mental health hehe. wish you a great day/night honey. ily đ°
That actually so cool for you. I can definitely relate to the speedrunning part because since I started this blog I had to do it an embarrassing amount of times. It's not my fault that Alhaitham was born so close to Valentine's day. Sadly all nighters aren't possible for me yet, but as soon as this shit is over I'm becoming a nocturnal creature.
And yeah, smut is hard to write. My biggest thing is that I'm scared of getting repetitive, like how many ways is there to describe a hole? I was actually planning to ask if I was becoming too repetitive.
I've already told you this, but I really don't think you need to worry about your audience. Like, if someone like me who disappears for a month after dropping each work can sustain decent following I don't think that you're in any trouble. But I'm really happy your readers like it. You should be proud of yourself.
I love reading your rambles, please don't stop sending them. It warms up my heart whenever I see you in my inbox it's genuinely insane. I'm glad my writing is having a similar effect on you. Coping with life has been becoming harder with each day, so many things going on at the same time, you know? If my presence means anything to you then I'm content with this blog.
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Hate, in Every Sense of the Word.
By: J
major tws for; suicide mention, domestic abuse, abuse, sexual assult mention, murder mention, (really just alot of violence tbh) self harm mention
uh, sorry? that theres so many tws, ig also minor tw for mention of sex too.
uh haha i uh, can you tell what happened tonight? it wasnt even the worst one, just, im tired of it.
talk abt living out of spite bc mannnn, thats all i been going off of for a good while now!
i uh, i really wanna make a certain food bc um. (LOOK I WANNA MAKW A LESS OILY FUCKER OKAY) but my father is awake meaning my mother will be too soon but im scared to even go out of my room bc theyre prob gonna fighttt.
hhhrbd okok ill shut up for now, go ahead and read the angry jirou bullshit ig đ
(oh yea, if it wasnât obvious. im talking about my mother in this.)
ââââââââââ
yknow,
you havent been a great person
or a good one even.
yet you still question as to why i dont love you
or like you,
maybe you have an idea of how much i hate you.
maybe not
i dont really care about your feelings.
at all.
not now.
i put up with this for fucking 14 years.
my entire fucking life.
ive put up with your shit.
but now?
now im done.
you have no idea how badly you fucked up.
when he said that âim sorry im a fuck upâÂ
yknow.
he mightve not been right for what he did.
but,
it was just a mistake.
it was a goddamn mistake.
you have any idea how many times ive uttered those words too?
how many times ive repeated them?
how many times i fucking meant it?
just because you âhad it badâ doesnt mean shit to me.
you have no goddamn right to treat others the same way.
dont give me that âi dont know how else to act!â
bullshit.
bullshit you dont.
you treated your damn boyfriend just fine!
you had a goddamn kid
you had two goddamn children.
with this man that you fucking DESPISE.
you knew it back then too.
you told me you did.
you fucking told me.
almost nothing can compare to the anger i feel to you right now.
nothing.
you have no right to act like that.
no.
you have no goddamn right to hit another fucking living being.
for such a simple mistake.
i dont care if he talked about it since friday.
i dont give a fuck if he talked about it for months.
you.
you as a goddamn human.
have no right.
none.
in the slighest.
to hit another living being.
for talking about something in your eyes âtoo muchâ
or making a mistake.
youre a hypocrite.
need i remind you?
you said that after you broke up with the man you were having an affair with.
that youd be a better person.
stop the fights.
stop the beatings.
stop all of it.
and everything would be okay!
.
i didnât believe you for a goddamn millisecond.
youre a liar.
just how you said i was.
you didnt quit.
you didnt stop.
hell two months after you hit him again!
you threatened to kill him and yourself!
cmon.
dont you get it yet?
i fucking despise you.
maybe to a degree i feel shocked.
but.
i really dont think thats it.
youre the root of my problems.
every single last fucking one.
ââââââ
need i remind you as how i had to learn to cook, because you were too busy with your damn boyfriend to help me?
.
need i remind you how when i tried to show you that i was fucking cutting myself when i was 9 you only talked about how it looked ugly?
.
need i remind you about how many times you said that you didnt care if i hurt myself as long as no one can see it?
.
need i remind you about how you ignored the rope burn on my neck god knows how many times?
.
need i remind you how you denied fucking multiple peoples sexual assault because âit couldntve been like thatâ?
.
need i remind you of how many times i almost had to be hospitalized because of your neglect?
.
need i remind you of how many nights i spent alone, in the cold, in the dead of winter, just because you wanted to fuck your boyfriend?
.
need i remind you of what you yelled at me so many times?
.
need i remind you of what i seen?
.
need i remind you of how many times you blamed your abusive behaviors on medication?
.
need i fucking remind you of my entire purpose?
.
i dont care about your feelings anymore.
i gave up years ago.
but now.
i dont feel just numb for you.
i hate you.
in every sense of the word.
.
i dont care of what you or anyone else thinks of me.
.
i dont care about what you think of my appearance.
.
i dont care if you think im too thin or fat or whatever word youll use next.
.
i dont care about what you think because youâll hate me no matter what.
.
you thought id stop being xxxx when you broke up with him.
you yelled at me.
no.
you fucking screamed at me for weeks.
im tired of even putting in the slighest effort of acting as if i fucking care.
i dont give a fuck about you.
and yknow?
if.
no.
if it would work.
if it was possible.
id fucking kill you.
id stab you.
right here.
right now.
to end my suffering.
to end his suffering.
all of it.
id end it all.
i dont care if its wrong.
because i know no one else knows about whats going on.
yknow.
only one person around here knows what youve done to him and me.
and i havent even met her in person.
yknow.
the people i used to be close with from school.
only just learned you had an affair.
i know that.
the police are do-less.
since you know them.
and hes a man.
not a woman.
it wouldnt be taken seriously.
that he should just fight back.
yknow.
youve ruined what life he has left.
his parents beat him.
his ex wife beat him, and cheated on him.
and here.
youve done the exact same thing.
yknow.
heâll never get to see how love truely is.
because of you.
because of what youve done.
i cant say i really like him either.
but.
that doesnt give you the right to ruin his life.
.
yknow whats worse?
how i know the only reason that so far youve never dared to lay a finger on me.
is because ive proved that i wonât hesitate to beat the fuck out of you right back.
i know i joke about that night.
but.
really.
hitting you for doing that was the best decision i couldve made.
its kept me safer than i wouldve been for years.Â
and even now.
if you were to as so much to touch me.
while in a fight.
id do it all over again.
you maybe 100 pounds heavier than me.
but you dont know how to fight against someone who wont just sit there and take it.
i wont forgive you for what youve done.
even if he will.
.
i want nothing to do with you.
get out of my life for good.
#j writes badly#woohoo i just love living in a very fucked up house its soo great /sarcasm#ughnf whats worse is that if it werent for my parents rn my life would be quiet literally perfect.#holy shit the being pissed at my mother instead of destroying my arm thing is actually working irl holy shit#(actually shoked abt that tbh)#unironically i wanna make a less oily fuck rn. like so badly. bc my parents went to the store and got eggs so i can#oh yea for the new gen folk that dont know all of the j lore (this has been bothering me bc its coming up on the anniversary)#i know how to break someones fingers and make it look like an accident!#turns out theres a specific way thats more common in abuse versus accidents!#dont ask why i know this đ (or do- it reallt doesnt bother me) (also not that i would- /gen)#this is basically me catching everyone up through j lore im not even kidding tbh#and yes. i have hit my mother before bc she wouldnt stop âplayingâ as i had hot ramen in my hands!#(look. it wasnt the best move at the time but uh. really saved me in the long run unironically!)#THERES FUCKING GEESE FLYING OVER MY HOUSE RN HOLY SHIT#sorry. uh. i cant help it tho. i heard them and it was cute#oh yea even MORE j lore; i have a mildly unhealthy obsession with âbeing strongerâ because im consitently (and rightfully)#paranoid that my mother is gonna try and hit me!#when the whole 2020 chrismas thing (when i hit her) happened i had just got done wih archery so i was still pretty strong#but then eating disorder happened and i quit archery. muscle atrophy etc etc#so like. its a big ass thing i think abt every day now!#yea theres a real reason why i consider my friends as âsafeâ đ#heheheheeeeee when no where else is safe thats just life ig!#oh god i need to brush my teeth fuck.#hhvtbd but my mother is awake :(#HHGBHGBSNS i need to start doing that at an ealier time bc it keeps getting in the way of things#again. how the fuck does smth so simple as brushing my teeth make so much feel better đđ its weird#sighh well! time to go back to trying to find drawing inspo!#(i unironically cannot use my own trauma as a drawing point bc it makes me actually suicidal. thats why i write it! /srs)#CHOKEKSSSJ ok ill hush now!
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đ°ïž finished saint germainâs route!
okay, this one was a wild ride & i got some thoughts about it below the cut! finished it fairly quickly too considering how i just recently finished franâs!
okay, wow. not sure where to start LOL. while i was following a walkthrough for this route, i was like hm, there really are a lotta bad ends, kinda bracing myself (flashbacks to amnesia ukyoâs route). i remember back when i played this game years ago, i loved saint germain so much lmao.
it was so odd to see saint germain grow more and more mysterious the more he and cardia began to talk more, especially during the little walk to the other mansion. he definitely dropped a lot of hints & foreshadowing throughout his route, which was fun bc it made me have a bunch of predictions & such abt him. the more they talked and got to know each other, the more mysterious and farther away saint germain seemed :(. also not to mention how much the bad ends hurt so bad.
anyways! you guys dont know how confused & scared i was when saint germain was like, youâre mine, im going to keep you here, drugging the food & everything. the yandere vibes were going on & i did not want another toma situation going on here đ but it was so great to hear more about the apostles of idea after seeing him kill finis in each of the routes lol, which also makes me reminisce the times when finis was still alive & mysterious also. im hoping that he makes an appearance in lupinâs route bc thereâs just so much we dont know about finis or have any clear intentions or thoughts (at least, from what i remember of).
i literally did not expect saint germain to have been alive for thousands of years now, how he and idea have existed & the backstories and histories of everyone??? the countâs story with the young child he saved & its connection with the tradgedy caused by the black plague, guinevereâs story with arthur and lancelot, omnibusâ story ranging allll the way back the Adam and Eve and the forbidden fruit??? it was such an interesting and great concept, and i loved it SM (and very emotional as well,,,)
also, not at lupin already falling in love with cardia in this route??? or just caring for her in a more intense way than he had in other routes? my heart hurts. also from the amount of angst in this route too. saint germainâs va did soooo well.
the way that cardia called herself a monster, but saint germain saying so what, that he was one too. that they both loved each other to the point of wanting to sacrifice themselves for each other if it meant their partner living. the way that saint germain was the only one who could touch cardia, & no one else? there was a lot of thing like this that made me go damn, theyâre so in love LMAO. at first i had some thoughts abt how i felt like they fell in love too fast, esp with saint germain saying he loved her way near the beginning of the route, but their actions backed each other up tbh & i always loved the walks they took. not to mention i havent played or read the common route in months lol. anyways, love this for them!
tbh im not sure what else to cover, these were just some of the main points i wanted to go over for sure. this was a great route for sure, cant wait to see what the sequel brings bc these twoâs journey isnât over yet!
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#hey what the hell the idea of DENETHOR AND ECTHELION having had a REVERSE second best situation while turgon was alive is soooooâŠâŠ #of him being better thought of than ecthelionâŠi mean im SURE ecthelion felt threatened by that even before turgon died! #and then denethor Instantly validates all his concerns! and depending on how publicly his sidelining of denethor was. it kind of destined #him to be remembered by the pro-denethor contingent in gondor at the time as the father who shouldâve stepped aside for the son #and yet clung to powerâŠ..Thereâs So Much Here. #i just think it would be sooooo fun if in the ecthelion-denethor:denethor-faramir parallel #denethor is smart enough to see the parallel that one duty outweighs the other but NOT emotionally intelligent enough to realize that maybe #faramir is coming from a similar place (or at least line of reasoning) as himself⊠#that he doesnt intend to do his father any wrong but to him he is making The Only choice that he possibly can#and honestly heâs probably doing his father a favour. its emphatically Not his fault that his father took it as an insult #its just. really delightful to me. ur so close and yet so far. ALTHOUGH maybe it doesnât even matter #to him duty to gondor comes above all else. augh wait. the fact that in this interpretation he kind of UNINTENTIONALLY sacrifices his #relationships with both his father AND his younger son. for the sake of his duty to gondor. god. well that was a fun revelation for 10:12am #theres such a tasty opportunity for just some Major cognitive dissonance in how he processes all that! #i never took from you / asked of you anything that was not already mine to have. it is NOT my fault how you decided to take that #vs just like an enormous (self centred of course) regret. not âif i hadnât done thatâ but more of like. #i cant allow myself to regret what i did because i did what was right. but i wish i couldâve lived in a time when it wasnât necessary
#MAN ONE MORE THING. and then i promise im done. i am literally still thinking about what you said last week about denethor and thorongil #that denethor either has to defeat thorongil or claim him for himself. AUGH THAT WAS CRAZY. #but my point is that i feel like ecthelion looks at the intensity of denethorâs rivalry with thorongil and thinks Well. #i think it is definitely partially engineered on ecthelionâs part but im going back and forth whether it was that the rivalry was born #completely out of their battle for ecthelionâs favour or if thorongil came in and he and denethor kind of See each other #in a numenorean2numenorean moment. and experience immediate self recognition in the other (DEROGATORY) and ecthelion looks at that and goes #hmm. an opportunity has arisen. idk both are fun #FASCINATING IMPLICATIONS RE: HIM NEVER TRYING TO TAKE ANYTHING HE DIDNT THINK HE HAD THE RIGHT TO HAVE!!!! #WOW. WOWâŠi mean just holy shit the idea of maybe the first time heâs allowing himself to want something (someone) out of not even Not Duty #but just Pure Fucking Spite. but also maybe at the same time being like. he (ecthelion)âs claimed something that should rightfully be mine. #now itâs my turn. see how he likes it when i take his favourite captain for MY own. god thats so messed up im fucking delighted #man this is like three essays compressed in here LOL i prob shouldâve put it in a reblog but i wanted it to go through peer review firstâŠ.
@afaramir's tags, I'm so glad you get this! It's the only way this works for me tbh, and the triangulation between Ecthelion-Aragorn-Denethor is so potentially interesting.
Ecthelion isn't evil or stupid, he knows full well that Denethor is powerful and cunning. I also do not get at all interpretations where Ecthelion thinks Denethor is weak, I don't like that with Faramir, with Denethor it's just incomprehensible.
Denethor was always clever, driven, eldritch and had a ruthless streak I think, and that scared Ecthelion.
I love what you said about Denethor being clever enough to see the parallel with himself and Faramir, but not emotionally intelligent enough to understand where Faramir is coming from! That's so tragic I love it.
Also yes Denethor and Aragorn are definitely rivals for their own sake as well! Denethor sees Aragorn as a mystery to be solved and a bomb he must diffuse before it goes off, but who in his hands could be a powerful weapon. Meanwhile Aragorn knows short term that if anyone blows his cover it will be Denethor, and long term only he can deny him the throne. But beyond the political dynamics of the trio there are all kinds of messy personal feelings, both love and hate that get in the way. Denethor claiming Aragorn out of spite is great.
Iâve said before that I find Denethor and Ecthelionâs relationship strange. Denethor is clearly very competent, very dutiful and very NĂșmenorian. Youâd think heâd be seen as the perfect heir to the Stewardship, and yet his relationship with Ecthelion seems abysmal. Ecthelion prefers Thorongil over him, despite them giving him basically the same counsel.
I think Iâve managed to wrangle a set of headcanons that make sense to me. Most of this is speculation, but hopefully in character.
Denethor saw himself as being destined to lead Gondor during a time of great need, and Sauronâs return to Mordor happens when he is in his early 20s. Turgon still lived, with Ecthelion as his heir. Denethorâs power and cunning were presumably obvious from a young age. Perhaps by this point he was already better thought of than Ecthelion by some.
Ecthelion seems to have been a competent leader, and certainly no fool. The appendices call him âa man of wisdomâ, but this seems a far cry from Denethorâs description:
âa proud man, tall, valiant, and more kingly than any man that arisen in Gondor for many lives of men; and he was wise also, and far-sighted, and learned in lore.â
âA masterful lord, holding the rule of all things in his own hand.â
In this context, Ecthelion almost seems to be being damned with faint praise. Denethor was dutiful and did not take that which he did not see as his right. He made no claim on the throne. His use of the Palantir however shows great self-confidence, which along with his belief of being destined to lead Gondor and the old HĂșrinionath tradition of being led not by the most senior but most competent man of their family may have led to strife with Ecthelion.
I think shortly after Turgonâs death Denethor made Ecthelion an offer, to make Denethor joint or sole regent to rid himself of the troubles of ruling, similar to Romendacil II with his father and uncle. Ecthelion took this (understandably but wrongly) as Denethor threatening him and plotting a coup. This shatters their relationship and leads to Ecthelionâs close relationship with âThorongilâ. Heâs the perfect answer to Denethor, removes any need for dependence on his son and is undoubtedly loyal (while also serving as a surrogate son). Thorongil is a perfect shield for Ecthelion, and Denethorâs rivalry with him keeps Ecthelionâs position safe.
This holds until Ecthelion begins to show his age. Unable to rule anymore, heâs forced to concede more power to Denethor, who now starts to take up the regency. Aragorn is backed into a corner in this potential powder keg and decides to take his victory at Umbar and quit while heâs ahead.
This also neatly parallels Denethor's own relationship with Faramir. Ecthelion believes Denethor is disloyal because his duty to Gondor outweighs his duty to his father. Denethor in turn sees Faramir as disloyal because his duty to his own moral code outweighs his duty both to his father and his country.
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fanfic year in review - 2020
hey laddies i was tagged by both @miabrown007 and @strangerahne to do this, so without further ado here we go!
1)Â List of fics completed this year in the order they were finished:Â
Bone Tea (march) // All These Selfish Feelings (march) // Doomed from the Start (may) // Wouldnât it be Nice (may) // my favorite set of stairs is the one up to your room (may) // screw the classics, and screw you for believing in them (june) // Friendship Bracelets (june) // Those Benevolent Stars (june) // the dark and the stained glass watchers (july) // Bloodsucker (july) // Messy Advances (july) // Happy Endings, the Sun, and Other Steps to Madness (july) // Guessing Game (august) // Passion Fruit Sunset [zine piece, currently unavailable] (september) // Home Coming [zine piece, currently unavailable] (november) // here (november) // bread and oranges (november) // clarity (november) // burgundy, near black (december) // About Emma Martin (december) // cherries (december) // falling, flying (december) // aloe-infused fuzzy socks (december)
23 fics??? okay well looking at it like this just makes me feel ridiculous
2) Number of words written:
219,184 words (which includes my unfinished fics on ao3 and the wips i havenât posted)
again looking at it like this just makes me feel ridiculous
3) Your most popular fic:
friendship bracelets - the first in the series of my homoerotic college au zukka fics. honestly? i canât even say im surprised
4) Your personal fav:
MAN this is hard. okay itâs gotta be a four-way tie between bone tea, those benevolent stars, home coming, and screw the classics and screw you for believing in them but really i could be lying because i wrote so much this year (i guess now last year?) that i was really really proud ofÂ
5) Your fav scene:
okay i have a lot of favorites but for right now iâll say: the scene in chapter 3 of those benevolent stars when adrien and marinette are sitting on the banks of the seine and they talk about their favorite colors and adrienâs soulmate - itâs such a quiet and gentle moment, and because you know that their favorite colors are based off each otherâs eyes but only marinette knows that and because you know adrien is talking about his soulmate to his soulmate and she knows it but he doesnât. itâs full of such beautiful, tragic dramatic irony that i just love so so much
6) A fic or scene that challenged you:
hm okay the last few chapters of bone tea were definitely challenging not only because of, like, the big fight scenes (which, im not really comfortable writing fight scenes) but also because i had take all of the mess of emotions in bt and wrap it all up into a conclusion that needed to be satisfying. the same could be said about happy endings, the sun, and other steps to madness (minus the fight scene part)
writing impure - my changeling jim au fic - has also been a fun challenge because i basically watch trollhunters episodes as i write, examining each line of dialogue and each character interaction and seeing how that scene or relationship would be changed by the fact that jim is a changeling. it was also a little challenging to keep everything fresh and new - especially at the times when the dialogue from the show stayed the same in the fic, but so far, im really really happy with the way the fic is going
7) A line of writing youâre proud of:
off the top of my head are these two lines, both from screw the classics:
It was the âDaisy, Daisy, Daisyâs, over and over. Like her name conveyed some sort of deeper meaning that she expected Daisy to be able to understand. Like if she repeated it enough, it would become a sort of prayer that God would listen to, that He would enact to make Daisy put her fists away for once in her pitiful life. It was just âDaisy, Daisy, Daisyâ over and over until her name stopped sounding like a name, like a word, and it was just a sound to fill the silence so that neither of them would have to talk about the way Basiraâs touch lingered each time she wiped blood away or the way Daisy would always sit so that her knees touched Basiraâs even though they were on the floor and there was more than enough room for them to breathe different air.
and
But sometimes Jon was easier than Basira. He didnât have any of Basiraâs softness - he was all edges and sharp lines. His elbows were basically knives, and his hips were edged with broken glass.
the first paragraph i really love because thereâs almost a rhythm to it - like poetry - and i love the sound of it and all that it means in the context of the fic.Â
the second little bit i just love because every so often i think about it and i love the imagery and metaphor and the way it fits jon - in canon and in this fic. in this fic, theyâre all in high school so jon is gangly and skinny and bony and in general, heâs just abrasive and a little rude. this description of him i just love (and the way i described him from martinâs pov in doomed from the start; âJonathan Sims looked, even from a distance, as if he was perpetually smelling something awful. His features, just left of handsome, were marred by furrowed eyebrows and a distasteful frown.â)
8) A comment that touched you:
LITERALLY SO MANY????? the comments on the final chapter of bone tea, telling me that the story was something that they loved and found comfort in, the long comments on any of my fics detailing their exact favorite parts, the comments that were just short jokes that made me laugh out loud - literally i canât pinpoint one. im just so thankful to have written things that people respond to with such kindness and love
9) Something that inspired your writing:
music!!!!!! i found myself making playlists for a few of my fics this year or listening to specific old playlists of mine for the right mood for a fic, and itâs really inspired me to write
also, as always, my own personal experiences. i thought and felt a lot this year, and i think in every single one of the fics i posted this year, you can probably find a central thought or feeling driving it that no doubt comes from my personal life
10) Your proudest accomplishment (that one scene; finally finishing that one fic; posting your first fic; etc):
finishing bone tea and tying the title to the fic!!!!!!!! finishing happy endings and also tying that title to the fic!!!!!! getting accepted into two different zines and working with two different amazing artists and completing those fics!!!!!!!! literally writing anything at all!!!!!!!!!
11) Do you have any writing goals for the next year?
i think mainly i just want to write, you know? i want to stop putting so much pressure on myself, because this past year i put so much pressure on myself that i was constantly feeling like i was underperforming (which was, like, super untrue, but you know how it goes) so when i wasnât writing i felt like i was wasting time. i mean, donât get me wrong, i had so much fun writing and creating all of these things that im so so proud of, itâs just the space in between writing sessions that i want to let myself breathe in. i donât want to dread thinking about writing for fun anymore because thatâs not fun
besides that, i think my other goals are to just continue forward with my unfinished projects - impure, the new wave, the bone tea extras - and to officially start the other two long fic ideas i have for mlb that ive been really excited about for a long while. this past year i wrote a lot of one shots (like. so many. oh my god) so maybe this year i might focus on long projects. who knows though definitely not me itâll be a surprise for all of us
=
anyway thatâs all!! thanks mia and strangerahne for tagging me!! ive been needing a lot of reminders lately that i have, in fact, written this year, and having to, like, do math and scroll through my ao3 page and all my google docs has been really enlightening so thanks so much for this
i tag: @lnc2, @chatnoirinette, @deinde-prandium, and @rosekasa! yâall donât have to do this, but iâd love to see how yâall felt about your works this year and also to see yâall love yourselves very much because you deserve it. also literally anyone can do this you can just say i tagged you i donât mind itâll be our secret - i highly encourage it because itâs very sweet and very fun to look back on all youâve accomplished this year
<3<3<3<3
#tag game#GOOD LORD.THIS TOOK ME LIKE TWO HOURS KJFBGLKDFJHLSDIHG:SD#i will admit. most of those two hours was spent trying to figure out my word count akjfghlk#also scrolling through my ao3 and linking all my fics that also took a while#BUT REALLY while i was adding up my word count i just kept on staring at the growing number like ????jfc???????#i know ive been posting about it a lot lately but the fact that i have had the audacity to keep on getting antsy over not writing???#literally im ridiculous. OVER 200k WORDS. LITERALLY SHUT UP THAT'S RIDICULOUS.#and the fact that i wrote so much of those words during a pandemic and going through perhaps one of the worst years of my life???#struggling with personal issues and mental issues and school issues and like. SO MANY ISSUES????? HOW#idk this was just so so validating. also terrifying. god#im scared of myself tbh. i have no idea how i did any of this. i feel like i just. blacked out and now im here and FUCK I JUST FUCKJFHLGJSR#IT JUST SUNK IN THAT IT'S 2021 NOW???????? H O W#like logically i knew 2020 would have to end at some point but like most days felt like fucking decades so ??#god. it's a whole new year now. that's fuckng wild bro#im feeling emotional. it doesn't help that im listening to my favorite band (armors) now and it's the song that always brings me to myknees#EMPTY AND WORN YOU CARRY ME HOME NOW YOU'RE LETTING GO OF ME BROKEN AND TORN YOU CARRY ME HOME NOW YOU'RE LETTING GO OF ME#tell me that doesn't send you into a State. you can't. fuck.#(the song is comatose by armors btw)#SPEAKING of armors when i was typing out the fics i had written this year i realized that two fics in a row were named after armors songs#all these selfish feelings (chlonette; lyric from portland by armors) and doomed from the start (jonmartin; lyric from name by armors)#im literally so lame. and that's fine#also i scrolled up just now to check and i realized that i have FOUR FICS IN A ROW NAMED AFTER SONGS???#man i really wasn't kidding when i said i was inspired by music huh sldjfhgsjfh#also in case you're wondering they're all these selfish feelings and doomed from the start and ALSO#wouldn't it be nice (jonmartin; lyrics from wouldn't it be nice by the beach boys)#and my favorite set of stairs is the one up to your room (adrinette; 11:11 by waterparks)#ANYWAY i should be done with this post now sorry for anyone who is still reading for having to deal with my rambling#and goodnight sweet dreams happy new year ily
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