#im scared of myself tbh. i have no idea how i did any of this. i feel like i just. blacked out and now im here and FUCK I JUST FUCKJFHLGJSR

[scrunckled-idiot]

news for next year and my new years resolutions! (THAT IM GOING TO BRUTE FORCE MYSELF TO MAKE HAPPEN! I NEED TO PULL MYSELF TOGETHER YOU HAVE NO IDEA)

to start making more complex scene builds in sfm. things like making pockets bedroom, or more forest scene builds like i did in my "the game" comic since it was really fun to put in little details and make it look full and lived in/untouched.

now that i know i have a software that i KNOW i can use to make decent quality animations and have somewhere to post them, im planning to do more animatics and AM GOING TO teach myself to animate. things i WILL BE MAKING are demo reels for my film and characters, an "im gonna win" animatic segment for pocket, "pockets big date!" visual novel comic on my youtube, more shitposts using sfm, things like that.

IM GOING TO GET ONTO THE FANFIC. im going to do it i promise, its just harder to do when you lose motivation and move onto other projects. if it took valve 7 years to make the last instalment of the tf2 comics, then its ok for me to take a few years on the first chapter.

im thinking about setting up a kofi or SOMETHING to earn money on for here. im thinking about charging money for animated commissions only. eg: £5 for a short animation, £10 for a one minuet clip, and £15 for a 3 minuet+ clip. im thinking its a good start and fairly priced for the amount of effort i put into it. still thinking about it though. these can be things like silly little memes or eeeven some spicer content eheheh (gotta reveal to my foster mama that i have a tumblr first. also when you inevitably read this, hiiii i love you! sorry for keeping this a secret for so long i was really scared that you'd be mad :( )

im planning to do more comics like i did with "the game" since @rainderthesomeone is no longer continuing theirs and will be continuing the last one they were doing, which was actually an old plot i wrote down in 2020.

im thinking of dropping out of collage tbh cus its not doing anything for me. i've been told im defiantly worthy of working at level 2, but im stuck in level one learning EVERYTHING I ALREADY KNOW like how to use acrylic paints and water colour paints and fucking- BASIC SHIT YOU DO IN HIGHSCHOOL YEAR 7! and im only stuck in level one because i failed my maths n' English which I DONT NEED UNLESS IM DOING ARCITECHTURE OR INFASTRUCTURE or some shit like that! its not worth wasting my time over so I'm gonna try and like y'know... NOT GO.

if i cant do rusted iron helmets, i might start indulging in some pocket X soldier fics because god they make me sick and at this point pocket is literally just my self insert. making them go on stupid adventured together and mutually pining for each other except one doesn't know they're pining and the other is clawing at the walls thinking about the other.

im going to start working more on building up my animation studio, or at least prepare for it. and by that i mean looking for any high paying jobs and working on what's gonna be my first debut film. i gotta commit to this NOW or else i'll NEVER do it. i wanna be able to save animated films and set a new example.

[m1ckeyb3rry]

A

PSYCHIC DAMAGE LMFAOOOP omg…now I’m shaking just thinking of the wc HAHAHA I’ll start mentally preparing…

OK DID YOU READ THE CH???? ANOTHER MANIFESTATION OFF THE LIST?? I’m strike throughing this to make it harder to read at first glance in case you haven’t read yet We literally said tabieita best duo because they’re mature enough and confident enough alone which allows them to duo without dependence THAT WAS LITERALLY LIKE HALF THE CH????

Yuki third wheel friend…yuki the “walk behind the duo on the sidewalk” third friend….tbh I think the person I’ve seen him with the most is actually Isagi??? From his little tantrum/rivalry moment….no ykw you’re so right we claim yuki!!

LMAOOOOOOO I’m crying this is so true to their dynamic and I love it sm….barou nagi honestly another iconic duo I can imagine Barou being like “you better stand six feet away from my ball at all times”…

STOP WAIT THATS GENIUS Barou one of the girls HAHAHA that’s so real though!! It kinda reminds me about how Kunigami was canonically like that before bllk because he hung around his sisters a lot!! IM GONNA SHIT MYSELF LAUGHING “y/n l/n is a lovely girl who can really keep a house clean. any man would be lucky to have her” GOODBYE the duo wingman plus imposter wingman dynamic im so living for this….

OOOH NICE!! Except for the knocked out part LOL I feel like I’ve heard that they have that effect…but fr!!! I have no idea how it’d work exactly but you could also maybe consider taking a smaller dosage to see if it’s enough to keep the nausea under control without glueing your eyes shut….that’s sometimes what I do with allergy meds LOL

PARAGLIDING omgggg HAVE FUN!!!! I can def imagine how it’d seem intimidating but I bet you’ll have a lot of fun once you’re in the air!! Just channel your inner crow HAHA THE EMO MOMENT LMAOO BUT DONT LOOK OUT THE WINDOW /hj I feel like seeing the scenery and other cars move from the side perspective makes that dizzy feeling worse…..could be different for you though but that’s what I’ve noticed!

REAL lowk I wonder if it’s maybe more of a he doesn’t actually know what loneliness is because he’s been left alone all his life kind of thing….but anyways…..

-Karasu anon

YOU SHOULD BE SCARED 😈 or alternatively grateful HAHA looking back at that 6-9k word count estimate is cracking me up because this one is making the otoya version look short 😭

I DID READ IT FINALLY AND OMG WHEN NAGI CALLED THEM A MATURE PARTNERSHIP I WAS LIKE ??? why is bro reading the tumblr convos that’s word for word what we said in the past 😟 also wait this is cracking me up…

CANNOT believe we have a canon panel of hollyhock sengoku era otoya now ⁉️ pov bro on his way to chill in y/n’s room instead of actually trying to find and kill reiji hiiragi as he was hired to 🤫

i do think i’ve seen him with isagi the most also because of the mancity match but tbh isagi has so many more relevant duos (rin, bachira, barou, even hiori and nagi) that it feels very very one sided?? i wish yuki and kuni or yuki and reo would become a duo because i think he would work w either of them really well!! technically reo and nagi are already a thing but it could be a way to break them up and let them find new friends and partners that push them more!! and kunigami + chigiri is also a thing but chigiri is so chill w everyone that i could see kuni and yuki being like a secondary duo the way isagi and hiori are

BAROUNAGI MY FAVS IN EVERY WAY!! truly they have the relationship rin and sae could have if they were just a tiny bit more normal abt things/their rivalry (but you didn’t hear that from me 😶‍🌫️) and LMAOO omg wait lowkey if only kunigami wasn’t busy in wildcard he would also be a hilarious prospect for that kind of thing 😭 barou gives me such one of the girls vibes though like i bet he’d let his gf braid his hair and whatnot…the SECOND one of the bllk boys says smth he tweaks heavy but he won’t take them out even if they’re shit because like his girl worked hard on them 🙁 LMAOOO the yuki barou team up would be wild especially when karasu is actively working against them 😰 and nagi is also just there for some reason too??? i think it would be funny if he gets dragged into things as a repeated bystander and eventually he gets super invested because it’s like an episode of a drama for him but irl 😭 so he somehow knows everything going on but refuses to intervene on either side (which pisses barou off) because he exclusively wants the tea and doesn’t really care how things end up 😩 he’ll randomly drop hints to move the plot along when it’s getting boring though but they’re cryptic enough that they end up causing more chaos than anything…like “karasu i heard y/n likes tall dark haired soccer players” “SHE LIKES ARYU???”

unfortunately i was knocked out on just half of a pill 😩 and paragliding was super super cool + not scary at all but i DID throw up into a little plastic baggie like 5 or 6 times and was nauseous/dizzy soooo would not repeat that experience 😓 but honestly i’m still glad i did it because it was so fun besides the vomiting and such a unique experience!! truly felt like a little bird hahaha…apparently nausea and motion sickness are a symptom of my birth control so once i’m back home i’m going to call the doctor and see if they have any tips!! for now we must endure i suppose 😔

truly i don’t think nagi understands human connection or loneliness or anything like that too well so he’s fine living without actual relationships because you can’t miss what you don’t know 🙁💔 but honestly he seems like he would’ve been very loving if he was raised normally?? like despite what everyone thinks he’s pretty loyal to reo and treats choki so nicely that if he had had a proper upbringing he probably would’ve been such a good friend/significant other 😪 that’s just my headcanon though until we get his actual backstory (like his childhood not just right before bllk) and see what things were like…adding this to the manifestation circle because i NEED to see baby nagi!! i bet he was soooo cute (and also i need to know if he escaped the bowl cut allegations 😭 his hair is wavyish so i think he must be safe?? but you never know)

[celestie0]

ellie did you hear about the solar storm thing thats been going around?

my friend gave me a detailed explanation abt what it is whats going to happen n all n honestly i am TERRIFIED.

like it genuinely seems so real that i cant even convince myself that this is another one of those silly things that go around each year

the fact that research for this solar storm has been going on since 2019 is ???? scary ????

makes it seem more believable tbh bc if it was not real it wouldn't have been going on for so long

IM SO SCARED 😭 genuinely cried when my friend was telling me ab this and she also said thwt we'll get to know ab when the solar storm is going to hit about 30 minutes before AND NOW IM PARANOID BC IT CAN HIT ANY MOMENT NOOOOO

and to top this off my mother told me that not many ppl will survive till 2027 i have no idea where she got that from but she scared me even more

this is so bad.

hii my love yess ive heard of the solar storm, i know that solar flares in general have been talked about a lot for a while now but i didn’t know that there was recent news about it!

i’m sorry you’re experiencing anxiety regarding it :””( yeahh ive heard that solar flares are near impossible to predict in advance for a lot of reasons, so that can definitely heighten the fear

hm idk if it makes you feel better but i remember nasa n other news outlets were talking about solar storms the exact same way about a year ago (i just remember telling my dad ab it cuz he works in aerospace n figured his company might’ve been discussing it) but nothing happened at all within the six month period that the news had been freaking out about LOL. i panicked a lot then too n my dad said it was just fear mongering lmfaoo 💀 (he’s kind of a cynic though haha) but yea i just bring this up because it’s not the first time this sort of news has been sensationalized

following any sort of space stuff can be scary for sure n it’s super easy to get lost in article rabbit holes that can really disrupt your quality of life in the present :( but i think there have been multiple instances of space phenomena that have been hyped up in media (even by a lot of reputable news outlets) that have not really affected daily life as much as it was thought to (like the never ending cycle of news about new asteroids, the whole aliens thing, etc)

i think it’s important to remember that the scientists that are actually behind the research are completely different entities than the people writing up articles about it online, so you always have to take the news with a grain of salt or maybe try to look into accounts from the actual researchers behind the findings (who, more often than not i’ve found, don’t even panic about their own research to the level of extent a lot of media ppl do online haha)

i’m not saying i don’t believe in the possibility of a solar storm or anything like that lol i just think there’s a lot of tendency in news these days to scare tf outta people for no reason

also correct me if im wrong but the largest danger of a solar storm would be disruption of radio & internet frequencies right? i thought they werent actually powerful enough to cause any sort of biological radiation harm ;0 loss of internet access would definitely be a weird thing to see and could put stress on more developed countries, but a lot of the world doesnt even have internet access to begin with so i’m not sure how much it will actually affect livelihood (i’m aware that it’d affect a LOT of things for sure, but i’m talking ab dangers like life or death situations, n i just cant imagine that being the case? but if you’ve looked into that more than i have n have more to share then lemme know i’m really curious)

sorry, im just bringing this all up in hopes it helps w your fears, n not to invalidate them! bc i totally get it, it’s scary stuff esp when it’s stuff you feel like you have no control over. but there’s a lot of things in life we have no control over, i think it’s best to just focus on what we can control n just try to enjoy today :)

thank u for ask bb <3

[themichaelvan]

tagged by @changingcore / 15 questions for 15 mutuals (oh fuck do i even have that many)

are you named after anyone? - birth name, nope. does it count if i got my chosen name from a fictional character??

when was the last time you cried? - this morning!! nothing 2 be concerned about i got woken up by the fire alarm (also nothing to be concerned about it just needs the battery replaced) and was so tired & upset i started crying, which happens. more often than i would like. hm. maybe i named myself after the wrong afton kid

do you have kids? - nope!! i do like interacting with them though but only like 3 max at a time JFJRJFNG

do you use sarcasm a lot? - irl yes, online only sparingly. & i make it very exaggerated not usually deadpanned or anything so people can Tell (which of course nobody needs except for Me but i digress)

what sports do you play/have played? - did soccer when i was a little kid (Hated It), was on a swim team for a while, and did marching band for the longest (which is my favorite and yes it counts as a sport and you cannot say it doesn't until you've been in marching band. cunt)

what's the first thing you notice about other people? - typically clothes and then hair! i have a relatively mild (but still pretty bad compared to ppl without it) case of face-blindness, and i CANNOT tell people apart by their faces at all unless they have smth like a bunch of facial piercings or a scar or smth Noticable so i tend to look at other things first.

eye colour? - ??? hazel-brown ??? no idea tbh but at least partially brown

scary movies or happy endings? - HAPPY ENDINGS. i am soso scared of scary movies i will gladly watch the little prince for the 60th time. Alternate Universe - Everybody Lives / Nobody Dies is one of my favorite tags on ao3.

any special talents? - ? What does this mean. i guess proofreading/editing?? i have always LOVED doing it and i just. naturally keep track of all the Language Rules and enjoy using them. the autism kicking in i suppose. and yes it does count as a special talent actually you would not BELIEVE how many candies i got in 5th grade from ppl bribing me to read over their essays.

where were you born? - arizona/usa. same town as my mom actually (despite her moving like 7 times in between her birth and mine)

what are your hobbies? - listen to music and pace around my room until i pass out. and painting, writing, drawing, various other arts n crafts, guitar, percussion when i have the chance (rn i only have a practice pad :|), and mobile games of heavily varying quality.

do you have any pets? - not atm but i used to have two cats (both still alive just in different household) that i still consider my little kitties :] i have 150+ pictures of them on my phone if you ever need cats i Got you

how tall are you? - 5'11" now!!! was hovering around 5'7"-8" for the longest time but i recently had a growth spurt and now im only the SECOND shortest in my family (out of six)

favourite subject in school? - by the material probably math! it is sometimes difficult for me to get a concept but once i do it's Easy. i also do have an advantage (parent has math degree and is good at explaining) but i try and make up for it by helping everyone else as much as i can jfjdndjf. by the Class def band/music class if that counts. both of my music teachers have been both very scary yet very nice to me and i loved their classes so so much and i extremely enjoy playing instruments with other people (when they behave)

dream job? - sorting pokemon cards in a comfortable chair as a day job with a 4 day workweek, being a freelance renowned fiction editor on my own time, with occasional music-related gigs (tutoring, repairing stuff, playing in concerts, etc). i give you no shit if i could do that for the rest of my life and get paid well enough to live on my own or with roommates i like, have a cat, and have enough time and energy to homecook a meal 3-4 nights a week i would be so happy. that's all i want in life. "oh you would get bored doing the same thing day in day out" no i wouldn't "how" autism.

tags: @irradiatedblood @schmope-is-dead @sapphireclaw @bmo-2143 @pokette @soldiertransgender @astral--horrorshow @catnerdenby @unrestrainedbalderdash @buggiboo @lunar-anomaly @altruisticmystik @syntacticerrortxt @catlokis-blog @rosesareredjaybirdsareblue . okay. okay i think that's 15. im pretty sure. jegus.

[faint-frankie]

（ 11-15-2024 ） daily post? idk how often i’ll do this.

tw(s) - none. i just have a panic attack / meltdown lolllz

f; Mikey/Frankie - host

— art ; 9:20AM - 10:30AM ( 2nd period )

i'm so behind in this class 😭 im literally an artist but like i just don't pay attention alot of the time.. im trying to get back on it but idk

next period is urban conservation and i'm going crazy because my boyfriend won't be here today and that period (+ the rest of the day) is whenever i spend time with him.. AND HIS PHONE IS BROKENNNNN I MISS MY HUSBAMMDNDND (hashtag bpd struggles i want my fp)

speaking of husband our 2montths is tmrw!!! yay! im peeing with excitement like a dog cuz like 2months???? YAYYYY cant wait for marriage

uodate im not trying in art class rn. i dont care rn y’all im just gonna draw on my own. EFF ZEN TANGLES IM TOO TIRWDDDDDD DUDE 😒

my mom has no money but i want food frm the vending machinr and she doesnt let me get a job (or my permit.) so im just fucked i guess!

ok rn im lowkkey having a huuuuge fuckin panic attack like okay!!!!!!!!! awsum!!!! ahahahababababbaa. can i be okay is that an option

last night i had a dream about being in a psych ward. i’ve had them in the past, usually like a few time a year? they’re slowly getting more personal and realistic and i’m actually so scared that’s a sign.. cuz i’ve had dreams wiht meaning before that come truw :/

im so anxious im DYING!!!!!! my head hurttss... listening to misfits while crashing out is probs stupid on my end so ill chnage it.... :(

— urban c. ; 10:40AM - 11:50AM ( 3rd period )

ugh i actually camt focus :( ill probably just draw i feel lkke shit. walking frm my last class to this one wore me outtt....... :/ i got so fuckkng scared since my safe person isnt here and i kinda thought so.eone would kill me at any moment but ir hasnt happened yet.

oh thank god he went bcak over the answers.... i had no idea what was going on...

f; Khris & co; Johnnie

— lunch ; 11:50AM - 12:20PM ( approx,, )

i'm sitting at lunch with our friend rn! she's like on the phone rn,,, so i'm fucking around on my computer until next period i guesss. i think our bf is hopefully getting his phoen fixed??? god i hope so .. im stalking his location like a freak but tbh frankie showed me it because he stalks him alot... WITH HIS CONSENNTNTT

our friend rly likes andy biersack so she told me abt his tattoos... i sadly know like nothing abt black veil brides but i think its coooll

some kid is shouting abt cishet white men,,, errr like ok i get the hate but cmon. i'm not really eating at lunch im just hangin hereee

someone is talking loudly about their alters, idk how to feel abt that.

i did one assignment in the middle of lunch, its so fucking hot out im dying....FUCKKK IT WAS LIKE 37 THIS MORNNINGNGN

— asian studies ; 112:30PM - 1:45M ( 4th )

i got to class late... by like 1 min tho so its chill. i talked to my friend abt some weird shit which was interesting? im exhausted kinda. im hot but cant take off my hoodie cuz my scars :/

ughhhghghhg i have catch up work to do and suddenly im dissociating this is bullshit

f; Loretta

I'm going to be typing properly, because typing.. however that is, makes my head hurt. I'm currently trying to get some work done while keeping us calm. I want to work on our craft/practice, but school comes first. I have no idea what's happening after school, as our boyfriend cannot text and school ends soon. I'll just plan it out as best as I can in my head? I definitely need us to do laundry. It's piling up very bad.

f; mikey / frankie & co ; loretta

BO9YFRIEND HAS PHOENBBACK OGGOG BOFYRIENDNDDND

i'm so shakey and can't process noise and all that.. everything is so weird im so scared of everythint spsoososooss bruh. time to research the brobecks to soothe myself

— media ; 1:50 - 3:00PM ( last period. )

i feel absolutely horrible. i cant brwathe i reel like im going to sob amd puke i jsyt wannabgo hoke

my mom isnt answrring me like o hate her but lowkey olease acknlwlddmge im habing a panic attaxi

im aboutnto cry in class i cant takehrhjjs. im havjng flashbadks too. i justbwanna go home

im about ti leave school thank fuck. i feel awfuk and just cant think. i keep thinking abt the weird psych ward dream i had.

okay im going to ennd this journal thing here since its longnand boring and infeel like shit

if you actuallt read this, thank you:3

[redheadbigshoes]

do you have tips for experiencing shame around your sexuality? specifically the part where i like girls.

for some context, i’ve known i like women for about 5 maybe a little more years now and i never had any issues with it, i love women and dating them seems like an ideal for me, i’ve had a crush on my bsf (how typical) then another two girl crushes and then i had a break in crushes for a good moment before having two crushes on men, now i think i like a girl? i mean she’s pretty and im interested in getting to know her so i classify that as liking someone, as i am interested in pursuing her.

so the issue, im not like sure if it’s an issue but kinda? it’s very hard for me to speak about her and the fact that i like her, i was discussing crushes recently with a friend and our whole conversation was based on my male crushes, because i just felt this like blockage when i wanted to speak about the girl, (my friends knows i like that girl, so it’s not even about telling them, which i casually mentioned it maybe twice.)

im also scared to talk about the girl because im afraid someone around will hear, whether that’s someone in my home or at school, i just seem to be terrified at the idea that other people will know i like women and while i don’t have to make this a well known fact about myself, if i were dating a girl hypothetically [as i am not now :(] i wouldn’t want to hide it, but im scared i will have the same approach, like my sexuality has to be hidden.

i know my sexuality is nothing to be ashamed of, but in practise it seems harder to accept it.

You mentioned you had a few crushes on girls before having crushes on those 2 guys, how was it for you those crushes? I mean, back when you had them did you talk with anyone about them?

Tbh from everything you said it doesn’t seem like your issue is about being ashamed regarding your sexuality and your attraction to women, from what you said the main issues you don’t really talk about that crush is because you’re afraid people will know about it, and that’s a perfect reasonable worry considering a lot of people are homophobic.

If you really want to talk about your crushes on girls I’d do it either online (like through messages with your friends) or in places where you know other people won’t hear you if your main issue is other people finding out about your sexuality.

[stealingpotatoes]

POTES GETS TRAUMATISED BY KOTOR!

i was gonna part 2 of this when I got to the end but i got to That Bit™ this morning and i need to tell everyone ever (im aware im probably towards the end of the game now but still plz dont spoil i assume theres more insane shit to come!!)

without further ado, sessions 7-9:

seven rhymes w revan so they better show tf up now

this game is so pretty esp when you land the ship

CARTH HAD A WIFE AND SON?????? CHRIST POOR GUY SAUL SUCKS

omg they never found the son that feels potentially relevant

'they didnt send a master bc itd draw too much attention' bastila, malak is obsessed with u rn i think that mission has been failed

wow so the council sent juhani with me just bc my vibes are so great

i might sound completely batshit insane for this but with all these redemption themes/talks i keep thinking abt 1. the fact i was so certain u played as revan 2. that revan is never given pronouns like ur supposed to pick their pronouns and 3. i have amnesia and im good at being a jedi (+ they clearly know smthn i dont). im not gonna say it bc i will look incredibly stupid if im wrong but do u pick up my theory. do u pick up what im putting down

ok that feels like the biggest reach in history PLEASE IM CLEARLY GOING CRAZY JUST SHOW ME REVANNN PLEASEEEEEEEE

i don’t even know if i have amnesia tbh but nobody’s given me a chance to prove i don’t

they could just be trying to make revan extra mysterious w the pronouns. i think im talking to carth too much, him not trusting anyone is making me not trust the game now im worried the lack of pronouns is there to hide their identity for some betrayal LMAO

oop i thought bringing zaalbar would be a good idea but apparently hes an exile. great

is stopping slavery even the jedi way cause qui-gonn sure as shit didnt do that in tpm

ZAALBAR'S DAD IS CHIEF??

i should bring Mission on this meet-zaalbar's-dad thing but shes 14 and i dont want to bring her into active combat scenarios ok

ok zaalbar's dad WAS chief. odds on him being this 'mad-claw'

A JEDI?

a grouchy hermit jedi!!!

why am i allowed to use the computer what previous user would make it usable for ME?????? SUSPICIOUS

what if im a wattpad character and revan is my older sibling or cousin

this is star wars, The Family Drama Franchise, im not ruling out that theyre my dad. my woke nonbinary dad

I LOVE THIS BUILDERS MYSTERY WHO TF WERE THEY. THEY MADE KASHYYK A FOREST!!! THEYRE SO COOL!!! I LOVE AN ANCIENT PEOPLES MYSTERY

was the builders my evil dad is this like assassins creed (everyone else has parental issues i'll feel left out if i don't have any)

big fan of how creepy the forest mandos are

im fighting little beasties and a massive beastie. this is just like jfo

well we dealt with a planet of slavers and helped with Zaalbar's daddy issues, now it's time to go to a new planet of slavers and help with Bastila's mummy issues!!!

DARTH BANDON (ill call him brandon out of disrespect) SHOWED UP AND IMMEDIATELY THREW A RANDOM GUARD INTO A TERMINAL INJURING 2 OTHERS. AND HE LOOKS LIKE AN EVIL SIMS 2 TOWNIE bet hes lowkey mid

malak you will never replace your best friend revan with this brandon fucker. and revan is going to be MY best friend soon when i find them

massive fan of how imperial tatooine looks near the same as it did in kotor 4000 years ago. this planet is the true no.1 shithole ever

btw the 8th fast n furious was called f8 of the furious

im still so scared that revan's pronoun sitch means they're gonna be someone i know like what if revan is already my best friend CAN SOMEONE JUST TELL ME I DONT HAVE AMNESIA SO I CAN RELAX AND AT LEAST RULE OUT THE CRACK THEORY OF ME BETRAYING MYSELF

whatever let's think about the fact i'm on the sand shithole. fuck this star map bastila where's your mum i want some soap opera drama

WHY DOES EVERYWHERE CHARGE ME 100 CREDITS

tatooine used to be a lush green planet??? arrakis who?

omg this guy knows carth does everyone on tatooine know my friends

HIS SON IS W THE SITH??????

'he must be a man by now' how old are you carth i thought you were like 30 at most. carth were you a child bride

when are we gonna run into someone who knows ME so i can dispute the amnesia allegations

AH! BASTILA'S BITCH-MUM JUST ASKED ME IF I TALK TO MY MOTHER LIKE THAT AND I GOT OPTIONS!! IS THIS EVIDENCE AGAINST MY AMNESIA???? AM I A REAL CHARACTER??????? GET IN!!! I HAD A MOTHER

i love how bastila n her mum havent seen each other in presumably like 20 years and yet their reunion was so immediately hostile

or more than 20 years who knows how old any of my companions are carth apparently has an adult son!!!

the only person i can trust is mission who is for sure 14 and the old men who are old man aged

thank god there was a guy who immediately told me the nonlethal option for the tuskens i thought i was gonna have to search for it

just did baby's first savescum cause i accidentally picked a dark side option and my friends were sad LOL

THE WAY HK47 SAID "shall i kill something for you? (:" LMAO IM IN LOVE W IT ALREADY

LMAOO HK IS ALMOST ALL THE WAY INTO THE DARK SIDE METER

having bastila and hk at the same time feels like having an angel and a devil on my shoulder every time they chime in on dialogue

i love them

MEATBAGS

"would you rather be caught with contraband that is very illegal or just a little illegal" "whats the difference" "about 20 years, master" HE IS MY FAVOURITE

love getting the murderdroid to do peace negotiations

hilarious that we're negotiating in our underwear

tatooine really makes you realise that this game is a walking simulator

LETS GO FIGHT A DRAGON

but respectfully. bc im a jedi

fun fact if you walk straight into the cave without using the hunter guy's mines then you will die and have to reload your save. not saying i know this from experience bc i just did exactly that and died or anything it's just a random fact i know

dragon: exploded

DARTH BRANDON??!??!?!?!

NOW TELL ME WHERE REVAN IS YOU SHITBRICKED SON OF A BITCH ok hes dead he cant tell me anything

bastila is drawn to landmines like a moth to a flame she loves getting exploded by them

BASTILA'S MUMMY ISSUES: SOLVED

i should be an intergalactic family issues counsellor. my character could've solved vaderkin and luke's whole thing in less than one film

bastila just PAID ME A COMPLIMENT INSTEAD OF NAGGING ME! CALL THE UH-- i guess star wars doesnt have the vatican just uhhh idk tell yoda when he's born

i love this game bc you get a very distinct feeling that they pulled '4000 years' out of a hat and didnt think about how the buildings or technology would be different. in 4000 years all that's changed on tatooine is how many towns there are but i guess it's the law of diminishing returns or whatever

WE’RE BEING TRACTOR-YOINKED???

why are we in our underwear. saul you pervert

what history between us

WHAT HISTORY SAUL. WHAT HISTORY

WHAT HISTORY?!!!!!!?!!????

what does he MEAN my loyalties are switching WHAT FUCKING HISTORYY

LMAOOO you can say the academy was on alderaan instead of dantooine thats such a good anh reference

THE JEDI ON DANTOOINE HAVE BEEN KILLED?!!?!!!! WHAT IM NO LONGER LMAO-ING

WHAT THE HELL CAN I HAVE A SECOND TO PROCESS EVERYTHIN

sorry carth i got you soooo electrocuted it was for the republic tho

seriously WHAT THE DANTOOINE JEDI CANT BE DEAD LIKE ??????? what????? no??? master tortimer???

LMAOOO HALF NAKED JOLEE IS GONNA KILL A SHIP

NAKED OLD MAN RAMPAGE LETS GOO!!

this is good we should get out of here but also can we ask saul and malak what the fuck he meant by history

presumably?? i was a sith before?? my amnesiacs??? like that seems certain going off saul's comments

god if the crack theory was right im gonna cry i dont even want to think abt the implications of that

at least my amnesia has been semi-confirmed. or i have an evil twin

LMAO JOLEE HAS NO ARMOUR PROFICIENCY ALL HE CAN WEAR IS HIS UNDIES. NAKED OLD MAN RAMPAGE CONTINUES!

“i have an army” “we have a naked old man”

rip naked old man times i have my equipment back

bastila thinks we can't fight malak but i literally have grenades we'll be fine

also i want to talk to him what the fuck did saul mean we had history. is MALAK my evil dad??? (i dont want 2 think abt the alternative option)

IM IN SPACE!!!!! IN A SPACE SUIT

what the hell do they put in these star wars games man, kotor is reaching jfo/js levels of "basically coke for me"

i cant think of a session nine pun i just wanna play it

CONTINUING ON FROM BEING IN SPACE LETS GO PUNCH SAUL IN SPACE

the crack theory can't be right its just a crack theory i'm not. like im just a normal woman i cant be ya know. i dont even wanna say it

SAUL PLEASE TELL ME I DONT HAVE AMNESIAAA

omg YES WE GET TO KILL SAUL!! GAME OF THE YEAR!!

HES ALIVE WHAT THE FUCK DID HE TELL YOU CARTH. WHAT THE FUCK DID THE WHOLE JEDI COUNCIL KNOW

CAN YOU GUYS TELL ME

WHY IS THE ONLY DIALOGUE OPTION LET'S MOVE ON. I DONT WANT TO MOVE ON TELL ME WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS ARE TALKING ABOUT

ah! malak! you bitch!

REUNION? VENGEANCE?? OH GOD NO

NO

ITS SHOWING ME THE EVIDENCE

OH IT WAS CARTH WHO SAID ABT THE MEMORY WIPING IT WASNT A LOADING SCREEN TIP

NO

WHAT

NO??????????? NO

IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A CRACK THEORY IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A CRAZY REACH I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE RIGHT

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

wow revan (my???) eyes are fucked up

AGH HE CALLED ME REVAN

OH MY GOD

I WAS ALWAYS PLAYING AS REVAN

THIS WHOLE TIME. I WAS NEVER PLAYING AS SOME RANDOM CLOWN WHO IVE GROWN TO LOVE AS A CHARACTER. I WAS ALWAYS PLAYING AS REVAN

WHY IS THERE NOT A DIALOGUE OPTION TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK I NEED TO HAVE A PANIC ATTACK

FUCK MAN ILL HAVE ONE IN REAL LIFE AT THIS RATE THERES NO WAY

i dont feel like im abt to cry but i kind of want to cry anyway what the HELL MAN

IT GETS WORSE EVERY TIME HE CALLS ME REVAN IM IN MROE AND MORE SHOCK

LIKE IVE BEEN PHYSICALLY GASPING ON REPEAT N SAYING NO OUT LOUD. IF I WAS HOME ALONE I THINK ID BE SCREAMING

there has got to be a speneva (space geneva) convention against this this seems so illegal

i literally cannot work out if this is better or worse than death. tbh it is death like the body lives but they stole my fucking brain man what the hell BASTILA I THOUGHT WE WERE FUCKING FRIENDS

oh my god she said "to capture revan… to capture you" WHY DOES IT HURT MORE WHEN MY FRIEND BASTILA CALLS ME REVAN

STOP CALLING ME REVAN MY NAME IS LEALA MACHAI THATS THE NAME IVE HAD FOR THE LAST 16 HOURS THATS MY NAME SHUT UP SHUT UP

NO STOP CALLING ME REVAN BASTILA!!!!

malaks a fuckin pussy he keeps running away

WHAT NO BASTILA DONT SACRIFICE YOURSELF DONT DO THAT STOP BASTILA WE CAN TAKE HIM IVE BEEN BEATING HIM 1V1 HES FUCKING EASY TO FIGHT COME BACK

NO I DONT WANT TO LEAVE HER!!!!!!! THATS;. SHE LIED TO ME BUT SHES STILL MY FRIEND BASTILA NO CARTH I DONT WANT TO LEAVE HER I NEED TO TALK TO HER

jesus mary joseph and the little donkey im revan. what the hell. im revan

this whole time

JOLEE IS STILL NAKED LMAO

yes mission! yes i love you yes it just matters who i am now yes exactly

CARTH DONT CALL ME REVAN I WILL START CRYING

thank you mission and zaalbar youre real ones

THANK U CANDEROUS

jolee knew but im not pissed off he wanted me to find out on my own and it wasnt his place to say, candy-o respects my/revan’s defeating his ppl and is the first person to make revan not sound like a slur

HK WAS MY DROID THIS WHOLE TIME?? HE WAS MY ASSASSIN DROID???????? LMAO AMAZING ok i feel less bad i can be revan if it means hk was mine all along

omg yay that means i DID run into someone i knew on tatooine just like carth and bastila!

tatooine must be crazy to do as the last planet lmao like does hk immediately go WADDUP MASTER and you cant even solve bastila's mummy issues bc shes not there. good thing i already did it

LMAOO CANDEROUS BEING LIKE girl its the force anything can happen its not just convenient

am i the force's specialest girl

yay carth listened to everyone and UNDERSTOOD THAT WHATEVER SHOCK HES FEELING I AM FEELING IT MUCH MUCH WORSE GODDAMNIT

agh no what the hell i just have to go about my day now?? i just have to work now????? until i can play the rest later?? when that just happened???????? i need bereavement leave

ive closed the game but im just blankly staring at my computer screen. what the hell. what the hell man

i have never felt so violated and traumatised by a bunch of pixels

somehow it feels worse that i basically clocked it but then was immediately like nahhh thats an insane reach, anyway! like somehow that feels worse than if i'd just never thought it was a possibility

what the fuck man what the fuck

POTES SEMI-LIVEBLOGS KOTOR!

ive been writing my thoughts in the notes app but due to popular demand (one person asked for it) i'm posting my liveblogging DO NOT SAY/TAG/COMMENT SPOILERS PLEASE i read tags

warning im a yapper, im 10 hours in and theres a lot already (separated into sessions):

SESSION 1

whos this clown i thought i would be playing as revan

ive been too spoiled by dragon age origins this character creator sucks ass

only human???? ): fr?? ill just imagine her different in my brain or some shit

my life is being mansplained to me. is this bad writing or do i have amnesiacs

hes meta now??? hes talking abt the screen controls?????

omg a jedi and an evil jediii

omg their asses suckedddd they both died immediately

i <3 bringing a sword to a gun fight

WHY R THERE SO MANY SITH WHERE IS TJE RULE OF TWO

i clicked a workbench and it said lightsaber so either i get a lightsaber or i get a jedi friend whose lightsaber i can steal if im careful

I assume u play as revan in kotor2 so im gonna buy that now so i can play it when im done playing w this clown

i got light side points im getting a good grade in game morality which is something both normal to want and possible to achieve

everyone keeps saying revan is dead but thats my friend revan from tumblr hes clearly alive. or they???

my characters ass is distractingly present onscreen

huge fan of the way everyone collapsed drunk what the FUCK was in that wine

ok these sith ppl might be the bad guys but their armour is DRIPPY AS FUCK

ideologically i dont agree w the sith but they kinda went off w the fits

googling how to become a sith without being evil cause they have Drip

SESSION 2

i paid £1.19 to see revan he better show up in this game at some point

all these sith n i still cant find one revan….. stop faking ur death rn come out n talk to me babygirl this isnt like u….

why can i be light/dark side if im not a jedi. give me a laser sword

maybe this jedi gyal will know where revan is faking his death. or give me a fuckin lightsaber PLEASEEE

was just thinking 'does this game have romance' and then carth called me beautiful. i dont think im gonna romance anyone until i get this amnesia sorted

why is carth questioning me so much abt the crash im pretty sure i have amnesia

why tf did the jedi lady have me transferred to this ship are we in lesbians with each other???

carth's not wrong it is suspicious but i lowkey have amnesia so i coulda done that i coulda not

a lot of clone wars voice actors in this. was lucasfilm so broke in the 2000s that they could only afford the same 3 VAs for every project

mission is 14??????? we need to get my girl back in school

SESH 3

tale as old as time i fucking suck at racing games

ok i didnt realise you had to mash click i won

REVAN!!! REVAN!!!!!!!!!

why am i dreaming abt revan tho. real as hell but ?????

lmao cringe revan getting blown up. i thought the jedi beat rev-meister in a fight but no. accident

"such visions are often a sign of force sensitivity" COOL YAY GIVE ME A LIGHTSABER

BASTILLE LOST HER FUCKING LIGHTSABER??

CARTH IS RIGHT THATS LIKE DAY ONE JEDI SHIT. ok i still love her even tho shes a bit of a bitch and also doesnt have a saber

if we find a lightsaber im taking it first tho

whys carth getting weird abt me being weird that he doesnt trust me. i just wanna be friends mate

SESH IV: A NEW HOPE

'i mean no disrespect, but perhaps one of the male slaves could serve you better' i went in here to start a slave revolution and instead got called a lesbo

LMAO THERES A SPICE LAB???? WALTER WHITE WHERE ARE YOU

thats insaneee they blew up BILLIONS of people to get to one jedi?????? these sith arent fucking around theyre scary

UM THIS IS CRAZY GRAPHICS THE LIGHTING IS CLEARER/DARKER WHEN I COVER THE SUN W THE SHIP EDGE?? 2003 IS THE YEAR OF THE FUTURE

someone just called me padawan i kinda assumed i was in my late 20s do i just have baby vibes

all the jedi in the movies are so chill but every kotor jedi i've met so far has been a bit of a bitch

YO THEY HAVE A YODA!!! its not THE yoda but

cool so these guys are just the regional managers at best. your asses are not the council

why can everyone smell my force juju so strong

THATS STRAIGHT UP YODA'S CLONE WARS VA

why does fake yoda not blink both eyes at the same time. im calling him master tortimer he reminds me of the animal crossing mayor

bastila there was no need for such a fancy bow

malak is like evil aang

revan is so much shorter than malak omg

are me and bastila sharing dreams. are we both obsessed w revan

poor mission ):

WHAT WAS MASTER TORTIMER ABT TO SAY????????? EVER SINCE WHEN??? DID WE KNOW EACH OTHER BEFORE MY AMNESIACS????? DID BASTILA TELL U SMTHN MORE WHEN I WASNT IN THE ROOM???

im intrigued i like this whole hidden jedi shtick its very compelling. so is whatever theyre hiding from me

kinda surprising no jedi found me before tho given my force juju is so strong

IM A LEGIT JEDI NOW??? SICK!!!

does revan rlly not have pronouns i thought that was a tumblr thing but they straight up are a nonbinary icon ive never heard a single pronoun used. revan's pronouns are revan/revan's

damn revan seems so cool in these stories (charismatic war hero that convinced their troops to join them as conqueror?? julius caesar) and yet all we've seen them do onscreen is get blown up and die by accident

A YEAR AGO? the way they were talking i assumed revan died like. a week before the game started

master uh i forgot his name he has martin scorcese vibes said revan was a paragon of the jedi so what im getting is that all jedi gifted kids turn evil

even if i didnt know revan as a tumblr darling id KNOW revan has to be alive somewhere they way everyone talks abt them is too cool for a character who exploded and died. i think. i hope. I PAID £1.19 TO MEET REVAN

'only you and bastila can stop malak' seriously????? just us two?? ive been a jedi for like, 6 minutes and you guys keep calling bastila young???? do you guys not wanna help??

omg im getting carth to traumadump! <3

HE WAS ON REVAN'S ARMY>??

i totally knew the jedi code and did not have to google it whatsoever

they rlly said fuck going to illum heres a crystal from the bin

he told me id be a great sentinel and i was like i know but i want blue cause i dont wanna be matchies with bastila

OGH!!! I HAVE A LIGHTSABER!!!! THIS IS GAME OF THE YEAR!!!!

omg i made my lightsaber perfectlyyy which is rare <3 getting a good grade in jedi

maybe i was a travelling lightsaber salesman before my amnesia

seriously though WHO was i everyone's kinda stopped acting like i have amnesia since the first mission BUT IVE PLAYED DRAGON AGE THAT GIVES YOU OPPORTUNITIES TO RP UR PAST. THIS DOESNT. EITHER THIS GAME IS BAD (but i love it so its not) OR I HAVE RETROGRADE AMNESIA

also everyone keeps being like "Oh ur force juju is so strong" AND NOBODY FOUND ME TIL NOW??? suspicious. did getting a really bad concussion activate the force in me

im too confused and amnesiac'd to think abt anything except the fact i have a glowing stick now

FSESH FIVE:

big fan of using aliens to avoid having to get VAs to read every line

oh so carth's boyfriend saul betrayed him and became leader of the sith fleet so he has trust issues

well he needs to calm down. i can't betray him cause i dont know what the fuck is happening

yooo i love the design differences on the mandalorians

oh my god this lady wanted to fuck her droid cause it was her husband's. and then it killed itself. wtf. game of the year tho

wtf they jebaited this juhani person into going dark side but then i talked her out of it. that seems a bit mean of them

i hope she can join my party she looks too unique to be a random npc

ive been thinking and I might be going crazy but there was a loading screen tip ages ago that said jedis could wipe ppl's mind and all i thought at the time was 'fuck the shitshow acolyte didnt make that up'. but what if one of them wiped MY memory and i used to be a jedi or smthn ????????

cause they keep being like ur weirdly good at this??? did bastila steal my memories??????????

I KNOW I HAVE AMNESIA!! EVEN IF EVERYONE DOESN'T BRING IT UP BC THEYRE PROBABLY TRYING TO SAVE MY FEELINGS

if i dont have amnesia and im just deeping the fact the opening had my life being mansplained then im gonna look real stupid

anyway time 2 go to the fuckshit ruins cave where r-dog and malak went to

"it must be referring to revan. the dark lord and malak--" revan's pronouns are revan/thedarklord

bastila said theres no mention of the Builders in the archives. does she just know every text off by heart

THIS DROID IS 20K YEARS OLD ???

omg i can equip 2 lightsabers at once. game of the year

OK I TAKE BACK EVERYTHING I SAID ABOUT THE AMNESIA BASTILA IS ASKING ME QUESTIONS ABOUT MY BACKGROUND THAT I CAN ANSWER. I REPEAT I DO NOT HAVE AMNESIA

ok i didnt get choices and i didnt really uh… say anything that i didnt already get told im still not ruling out amnesia

also booo i didnt get to find out how old i was

master tortimer rlly looks like the ultimate ketamine yoda

LMAO THERE WAS A DIALOGUE OPTION 2 CALL JUHANI A CATGIRL

omg kashyyk from jedi fallen order!!!

I CAN UPGRADE MY LIGHTSABER THIS IS JUST LIKE JFO

omg this ship is fun i wish everyone had personalised bunk spaces like hfw… a game which came out 19 years after this i should probably just take what we have

im gonna start w manaan cause im p sure thats what B-dog said n its the same language the droid was speakin

omg hyperspace from star wars

THE GUY THE BUILDING FELL ON???

am i having dreams abt revan bc bastila killed revan and im connected to her this is so roundabout

maybe i'd sleep better if my ponytail wasnt clipping into the pillow

[kiwi accent] six

carth needs a xanax every time i think we're friends he stops trusting me

also lmao he actually pointed out how wild it was that a day one padawan is being sent on this uber important mission and HES RIGHT IT IS WEIRD!! i thought it was main character logic but he's calling it out

i really really like the sense of unease that's setting in like at first i thought it was just cause im not used to 2003 games but no this is on purpose bc carth my friend carth keeps calling it out

THERE IS A CHILD ON MY SHIP ??????????????????

lmao the representative for menaan is roland wann. its like poetry it rhymes

there are no cameras in the sith hangar <3 rookie error i can commit crimes now

bastila's favourite hobby is getting shot and walking into my grenades

this isnt a combat system this is a missing system

I GOT ARRESTED???? IM JUST A GIRL

nvm i had a datapad that said the sith were evil so theyve let me go free and we're besties

why do i feel like ive just walked into an underwater horror mission

this suit waddles at the speed of a penguin on fentanyl

i tamed the beastie this is like how to train your dragon

MALAK FIRED ON REVAN?????? WERENT THEY BEST FRIENDS???????

but maybe revan escaped when bastila wasnt looking THEYRE FINE THEYRE OUT THERE SOMEWHERE. I BELIEVE

so hopefully when we run into revan they'll be like agh i changed my ways cause of the being shot thing and they'll be my bestie

great news i successfully communicated w the ship child and gave her back to dantooine. my girl has shockingly good linguisitics skills

bastila is so dour "oh watch out for the dark side" GIRL I AM. I NEED TO GET THE BEST GRADE IN GAME MORALITY

ok OFF TO KASHYYK i hope cal kestis is there… thru the force i guess… bc he wont be born for another 4000 years but its whatever

omg you'll never guess what. another vision. wow its one of the thangs. cool this is a tomorrow me problem

[j2zara]

🧭♻️🤔🖍️🤡 teehee

🧭An alternative title to your/ one of your WIP(s)?

I’ll cheat b/c im scared to say with certainty what an alt title is for my WIPs when i might go back to it. That being said, if you wanna know the titles of my Docs they’re so funny bc im scared of giving myself away so they’re all titled stuff like. LJ3P, ZJP, Pre-SB, J2JP etc etc.

Anyway. Why is it all of sudden i can’t think of anything…. The problem is there are a couple i could throw out but i also am considering using them for LJ3P or LJ3 fwb wip titles

There was a version of Biggest Lie that had a lyric from Casual as it’s title but i genuinely can’t remember what it was.

Oh! I remember one. i might’ve mentioned this before but “and he’s not with you (the universe must have divined this)” from Boyfriend was in the running for Stay / Leave! Picking something for that one was tough. (IYWD and Almost were ones that once it hit i felt so Certain w/ honestly not that much waffling. IYWD was a joke title i just started to like For Real and meanwhile settling on something Biggest Lie n Stay / Leave were llke UGH.)

♻️A scrapped idea for your current WIP

There was a whole version of LJ3porter that actually DID involve devils honey but I think the idea of a substance like that fucking with Ellie’s head had like darker implications for her than it did for blue b/c he was like. kinda into it. that being said in the draft she subjected herself to it but it still felt weird b/c it was fucking with her memory and making it unreliable narrator and i wasn’t sure how to convey that without the vibe coming across that like. Porter had a hand in it or something.

Tbh the devils honey stuff is actually a better fit for the LJ3 LSOP macbeth concept so im glad there’s a place for it bc i do think Ellie having a devils honey moment IS interesting but its not right for this story

🤔What’s a story you’d love to write but haven’t even started yet?

mentioned so so so so so briefly but again i think writing some sort of reincarnation au fic would be fun. I don’t have any concrete ideas for it but i do want ellie to find her boys.

I also geuinely am. still. like so so so so so so compelled by the concept of a LJ3 LSOP macbeth fic, especially the version with the use of devil’s honey which i know is a hard sell but idc. But i think something like. intentionally kind of disorienting and maybe even J4 pov would be difficult but like so so interesting. The Eternal Sunshine angle like really got to me but ALSO there might be an excuse to write LJ3Porter toxic threesome which i think is fun

I won’t lie. the thing about anxious overthinking girlfriend Ellie x boyfriend who fucks her till she can’t think straight j3 convo especially the degredation stuff where they get kinda mean w/ each other like absolutely gripped me so like. I may do that too. Lol

🖍Post Any sentence from your wip

Ellie’s arms dangle off the bed.

“This thing is too small for the both of us…” says J3 with a shaky laugh. He knows what he wants to really say, but he’s too afraid to say it.

J4 is quiet, still on top of him. “Sorry, I didn’t—I… I don’t want things to be complicated. You know?”

He should tell her the truth. “Probably for the best.”

🤡 How many Wips are you actively working on?

Tee hee indeed. I am boo boo the fool.

oh my god. Um�� LJ3Porter wip (i will not shut up abt this). LJ3 FWB fic. Are the main two.

J2JacePorter w/ creeper Jace is waiting until AFTER i finish at least one of those but its not abandoned so it counts and it is something i do wanna finish so badly. The docs for my Pre-shatterstar sb fic and the Zarajaceporter fic i haven’t touched in a hot sec but like. I wouldn’t consider them abandoned, i’ll probably return to them… And I almost forgot that I have a j2j3 prompt i need to finish that i did work on a little bit the other day but like. wasn’t happy with. And i technically have written for the Oliviaviola J2 seducing Jace for Porter fic. Like. A few sentences but i do want to finish it. Anyway it’s absolutely histerical that I am genuinely like. But what if i started a reincarnation au wip or an LJ3 macbeth fic!

So like. 2.75 that i’m actually volleying between with real sincerity, and i think 7-ish to count like. i have not given up on it and do plan on finishing it.

[sehodreamsthoughts]

noo i don’t think ur wrong for that, in my opinion fanfiction as an interesting… is just a very grey area type of thing in general, and if u don’t like reading sexual wlw fics (with idols) then like, u shouldn’t be made to do that lol… i get it. tbh i don’t rly read female idol fics, i like a few girl groups that i keep up with and 2 girls that come to mind that i really like are chaeryoung (itzy) and nayoung (lightsum)… like they just give me butterflies lmaooo but like i don’t even rly see them in that much of a sexual way but it’s def like a gay way.. i sound insane but again, i fear you understand me😔😔😔 but bottom line, if ur not into smth in fics.. that’s fine. it would be weird if ppl were like “u have to read [fic genre]!!!!” lmfaoo

i had a slight issue when i started reading fics again with toxic and noncon stuff and honestly i still read things sometimes and am just like… wtf is wrong with ppl😳😳 but i also understand this is meant to be a safe space and it’s all fiction and sending hateful messages to people is not productive so if i don’t like smth i just don’t continue reading it or try to avoid fics with similar content lol.. something more ppl should do! but i obviously like toxic headcanons and such now but it’s.. fiction, it’s like,, a roleplay almost it’s like a story and it’s not something i would ever want to experience irl.. and i think it’s just one of those things that if u get it, u get it and if u don’t, u don’t.

im also slowly starting to understand more and more the idea of dark fic content as a coping mechanism, and i think that’s really cool. it’s definitely not for everyone and that’s okay! but again, if it’s not for u, don’t do it, simple as that.

i don’t want to turn ur inbox into a soapbox or whatever the expression is, so chubby chaser jake time! im just making excuses to talk about chubby!reader but of course this is ur blog though and i like talking to u so if u ever did want to talk more about such topics im down!! im just getting myself away from going on a tangent atm

jake would 100% think it’s really hot if ur collarbones weren’t visible at all because of how soft u were🤭🤭 would go crazy for the arm pudge that sticks out from your sleeves, being pushed outwards by your bra wiring.. and if you lift your arms up and your shirt rides up to expose the underside of your tummy, it’s over for him<333 he looks so soft n sweet in the new enha concept pics.. need that jake to be an obsessed loser boy… again, going dark mode, thinking about him masturbating at home to pictures of u on social media thinking about getting his hands on your soft squishy body and making u all his :((((

- 🥟 anon

Bro that girl from itzy is sooooo pretty, i honestly can't understand how some people call her ugly??? but yeah, fanfiction is full of grey areas and of course I'm not forcing myself to read a type of fiction I don't enjoy. Still, I'm afraid I could be also be categorized with those guys that have the madonna-whore complex which is the only thing I'm scared 😭 I understand that is not a requirement for me or any human to sexualize people. Still, at the same time I hate that my aversion for reading fics with real women idols as lovers could also be seen as a way to project them as people that shouldn't be seen in a sexual light when all women are individuals who deserve feeling pleasure too (okay maybe right now I sound crazy but I swear I have many things in my mind that I can connect with this idea I have). Well, in the end I know that I'm not having any kind of real relationship with them so not the world or any person will be affected by the fact that I don't enjoy that kind of content, I'm just an overthinker who reads and feels too much 😭😭😭

Also, sure people can enjoy any kind of content while not harming others. Personally, I love death dove do not eat, dubcon, noncon, etc, and it's totally okay to see dark fiction as a coping mechanism, but I don't think that is the only reason why people enjoy it or should base liking dark content (not that you said this, it's just a little thing I've had in my head). People, like I said, can like anything they want, and dark fanfiction it's all words and no real act of harm, and writers, and readers, being real individuals in a society with values to coexist, should understand what is correct or not in real life, and we can't control people by hiding or creating certain a kind of content, if they want to find something, they're going to do it, whether is on tumblr, ao3 or any other platform. Also, I find it dumb how the people who go out to defend the morality of fanfiction (not only with dark content but with smut in general) are also the ones sending a ton of hate to people who do enjoy it as if they had a special spot in heaven to fight for 😭. (sorry I'm half asleep so maybe I don't make any sense and I'm just blabbering, I can talk about nothing and just keep and keep going)

CHANGING SUBJECTS, JAKE WITH CHUBBY!READER... I can't lie, the last concept pictures are fucking good. I love the lightning, the palette, THE PICTURE OF HIM UNDER THE TABLE WITH THOSE GLASSES???? It's totally dark fic potential. I can't help but imagine obsessed!coworker!Jake hiding in the weirdest places to spy on you. Jake going under the desk and looking up at you with those puppy eyes and those glasses begging to eat you out. So pervert!Jake too, tilting his glasses and maybe sometimes his eye twitching?! (that maybe sounds insane but with that pretty smile I imagine him looking at your mouth when you talk, his eye twitching and then moving his eyes down to your chest, pretending is because of something he can't control 😭). AND THE SHIRT THAT RIDES UP, ARE WE THINKING THE SAME??? Maybe loser!Jake working in a store with you and asking you to help him accommodate things up just to see your uniform moving with your movements 😭- this boy would totally make something sick too, maybe masturbating with pictures he took of you while you were in the changing room, or what if he's a manager... asking for some help after the end of a shift and convincing you to open your legs for him if you want that special help from him with your schedule since you have an important exam 🥺, oh but, also, if he feels like being kind to you because he likes you a lot, he won't try to fuck you, not at all, yeah, Jake is such a respectful boy, he only wants to see your plushy legs and maybe for you to show him your pretty ass to then slid his cock between your thick thighs... and maybe you could get used to the extra help too, telling him that he could slip inside if he gives you extra vacations day too...

[kuro4thegays]

HELLO SWEETHEART HOW R U TODAY? haha im hypersensitive because yuck last night i didn’t sleep at all, stayed up till 7am to edit/fix my newest update. i was too depressed in may and whole month i didn’t post or touch wattpad. i was surprised that it actually took me only 2 nights to finish my planned writing. i tend to write between 1k-2k words for 1 chapter because i do long series. only prob is do i have the mood for creative ideas or not. it needs to match my vibe of that fiction.

oh and tbh i crave for smut but i rarely write them (mostly avoid them intentionally) because it hurts my back (whole body). writing smut is a bigger form of art and yeh i usually enjoy eating up than cooking. 1 smut chapter tends to be somewhere between 3-6k words so... i... i mean... 😓 sorry for my readers. tbh i was sooo happy that they all greeted me when i came back after disappearing for a month without any warning 💀 (i feel so bad but at least i survived and served them hehe). 🤓💖✨ lucky and grateful to say that they love the newest chapter so much. they said i did so well (im so proud of myself and them 👽🚀 literally wrote that in 2 nights wtf).

sorry honey i talked too much again. just im very happy today ✨ u can totally tell cuz i usually do not use so many icons hehe. expressing love!! anyway i gain courage and support and yeh most importantly the mood from you after sending in the latest ask (i went to wattpad right after that ask to note down my ideas then fucking went feral with speed running) hope you’ll receive the same energy and have some good free time to write your lovely words down! writing and imagining is my way to relax/run away from reality/save myself so i usually use it as method to calm my unstable mental health hehe. wish you a great day/night honey. ily 🐰

That actually so cool for you. I can definitely relate to the speedrunning part because since I started this blog I had to do it an embarrassing amount of times. It's not my fault that Alhaitham was born so close to Valentine's day. Sadly all nighters aren't possible for me yet, but as soon as this shit is over I'm becoming a nocturnal creature.

And yeah, smut is hard to write. My biggest thing is that I'm scared of getting repetitive, like how many ways is there to describe a hole? I was actually planning to ask if I was becoming too repetitive.

I've already told you this, but I really don't think you need to worry about your audience. Like, if someone like me who disappears for a month after dropping each work can sustain decent following I don't think that you're in any trouble. But I'm really happy your readers like it. You should be proud of yourself.

I love reading your rambles, please don't stop sending them. It warms up my heart whenever I see you in my inbox it's genuinely insane. I'm glad my writing is having a similar effect on you. Coping with life has been becoming harder with each day, so many things going on at the same time, you know? If my presence means anything to you then I'm content with this blog.

[b0mblover]

Hate, in Every Sense of the Word.

By: J

major tws for; suicide mention, domestic abuse, abuse, sexual assult mention, murder mention, (really just alot of violence tbh) self harm mention

uh, sorry? that theres so many tws, ig also minor tw for mention of sex too.

uh haha i uh, can you tell what happened tonight? it wasnt even the worst one, just, im tired of it.

talk abt living out of spite bc mannnn, thats all i been going off of for a good while now!

i uh, i really wanna make a certain food bc um. (LOOK I WANNA MAKW A LESS OILY FUCKER OKAY) but my father is awake meaning my mother will be too soon but im scared to even go out of my room bc theyre prob gonna fighttt.

hhhrbd okok ill shut up for now, go ahead and read the angry jirou bullshit ig 😭

(oh yea, if it wasn’t obvious. im talking about my mother in this.)

——————————

yknow,

you havent been a great person

or a good one even.

yet you still question as to why i dont love you

or like you,

maybe you have an idea of how much i hate you.

maybe not

i dont really care about your feelings.

at all.

not now.

i put up with this for fucking 14 years.

my entire fucking life.

ive put up with your shit.

but now?

now im done.

you have no idea how badly you fucked up.

when he said that “im sorry im a fuck up” 

yknow.

he mightve not been right for what he did.

but,

it was just a mistake.

it was a goddamn mistake.

you have any idea how many times ive uttered those words too?

how many times ive repeated them?

how many times i fucking meant it?

just because you “had it bad” doesnt mean shit to me.

you have no goddamn right to treat others the same way.

dont give me that “i dont know how else to act!”

bullshit.

bullshit you dont.

you treated your damn boyfriend just fine!

you had a goddamn kid

you had two goddamn children.

with this man that you fucking DESPISE.

you knew it back then too.

you told me you did.

you fucking told me.

almost nothing can compare to the anger i feel to you right now.

nothing.

you have no right to act like that.

no.

you have no goddamn right to hit another fucking living being.

for such a simple mistake.

i dont care if he talked about it since friday.

i dont give a fuck if he talked about it for months.

you.

you as a goddamn human.

have no right.

none.

in the slighest.

to hit another living being.

for talking about something in your eyes “too much”

or making a mistake.

youre a hypocrite.

need i remind you?

you said that after you broke up with the man you were having an affair with.

that youd be a better person.

stop the fights.

stop the beatings.

stop all of it.

and everything would be okay!

.

i didn’t believe you for a goddamn millisecond.

youre a liar.

just how you said i was.

you didnt quit.

you didnt stop.

hell two months after you hit him again!

you threatened to kill him and yourself!

cmon.

dont you get it yet?

i fucking despise you.

maybe to a degree i feel shocked.

but.

i really dont think thats it.

youre the root of my problems.

every single last fucking one.

——————

need i remind you as how i had to learn to cook, because you were too busy with your damn boyfriend to help me?

.

need i remind you how when i tried to show you that i was fucking cutting myself when i was 9 you only talked about how it looked ugly?

.

need i remind you about how many times you said that you didnt care if i hurt myself as long as no one can see it?

.

need i remind you about how you ignored the rope burn on my neck god knows how many times?

.

need i remind you how you denied fucking multiple peoples sexual assault because “it couldntve been like that”?

.

need i remind you of how many times i almost had to be hospitalized because of your neglect?

.

need i remind you of how many nights i spent alone, in the cold, in the dead of winter, just because you wanted to fuck your boyfriend?

.

need i remind you of what you yelled at me so many times?

.

need i remind you of what i seen?

.

need i remind you of how many times you blamed your abusive behaviors on medication?

.

need i fucking remind you of my entire purpose?

.

i dont care about your feelings anymore.

i gave up years ago.

but now.

i dont feel just numb for you.

i hate you.

in every sense of the word.

.

i dont care of what you or anyone else thinks of me.

.

i dont care about what you think of my appearance.

.

i dont care if you think im too thin or fat or whatever word youll use next.

.

i dont care about what you think because you’ll hate me no matter what.

.

you thought id stop being xxxx when you broke up with him.

you yelled at me.

no.

you fucking screamed at me for weeks.

im tired of even putting in the slighest effort of acting as if i fucking care.

i dont give a fuck about you.

and yknow?

if.

no.

if it would work.

if it was possible.

id fucking kill you.

id stab you.

right here.

right now.

to end my suffering.

to end his suffering.

all of it.

id end it all.

i dont care if its wrong.

because i know no one else knows about whats going on.

yknow.

only one person around here knows what youve done to him and me.

and i havent even met her in person.

yknow.

the people i used to be close with from school.

only just learned you had an affair.

i know that.

the police are do-less.

since you know them.

and hes a man.

not a woman.

it wouldnt be taken seriously.

that he should just fight back.

yknow.

youve ruined what life he has left.

his parents beat him.

his ex wife beat him, and cheated on him.

and here.

youve done the exact same thing.

yknow.

he’ll never get to see how love truely is.

because of you.

because of what youve done.

i cant say i really like him either.

but.

that doesnt give you the right to ruin his life.

.

yknow whats worse?

how i know the only reason that so far youve never dared to lay a finger on me.

is because ive proved that i won’t hesitate to beat the fuck out of you right back.

i know i joke about that night.

but.

really.

hitting you for doing that was the best decision i couldve made.

its kept me safer than i wouldve been for years. 

and even now.

if you were to as so much to touch me.

while in a fight.

id do it all over again.

you maybe 100 pounds heavier than me.

but you dont know how to fight against someone who wont just sit there and take it.

i wont forgive you for what youve done.

even if he will.

.

i want nothing to do with you.

get out of my life for good.

[bretwalda-lamnguin]

#hey what the hell the idea of DENETHOR AND ECTHELION having had a REVERSE second best situation while turgon was alive is sooooo…… #of him being better thought of than ecthelion…i mean im SURE ecthelion felt threatened by that even before turgon died! #and then denethor Instantly validates all his concerns! and depending on how publicly his sidelining of denethor was. it kind of destined #him to be remembered by the pro-denethor contingent in gondor at the time as the father who should’ve stepped aside for the son #and yet clung to power…..There’s So Much Here. #i just think it would be sooooo fun if in the ecthelion-denethor:denethor-faramir parallel #denethor is smart enough to see the parallel that one duty outweighs the other but NOT emotionally intelligent enough to realize that maybe #faramir is coming from a similar place (or at least line of reasoning) as himself… #that he doesnt intend to do his father any wrong but to him he is making The Only choice that he possibly can#and honestly he’s probably doing his father a favour. its emphatically Not his fault that his father took it as an insult #its just. really delightful to me. ur so close and yet so far. ALTHOUGH maybe it doesn’t even matter #to him duty to gondor comes above all else. augh wait. the fact that in this interpretation he kind of UNINTENTIONALLY sacrifices his #relationships with both his father AND his younger son. for the sake of his duty to gondor. god. well that was a fun revelation for 10:12am #theres such a tasty opportunity for just some Major cognitive dissonance in how he processes all that! #i never took from you / asked of you anything that was not already mine to have. it is NOT my fault how you decided to take that #vs just like an enormous (self centred of course) regret. not ‘if i hadn’t done that’ but more of like. #i cant allow myself to regret what i did because i did what was right. but i wish i could’ve lived in a time when it wasn’t necessary

#MAN ONE MORE THING. and then i promise im done. i am literally still thinking about what you said last week about denethor and thorongil #that denethor either has to defeat thorongil or claim him for himself. AUGH THAT WAS CRAZY. #but my point is that i feel like ecthelion looks at the intensity of denethor’s rivalry with thorongil and thinks Well. #i think it is definitely partially engineered on ecthelion’s part but im going back and forth whether it was that the rivalry was born #completely out of their battle for ecthelion’s favour or if thorongil came in and he and denethor kind of See each other #in a numenorean2numenorean moment. and experience immediate self recognition in the other (DEROGATORY) and ecthelion looks at that and goes #hmm. an opportunity has arisen. idk both are fun #FASCINATING IMPLICATIONS RE: HIM NEVER TRYING TO TAKE ANYTHING HE DIDNT THINK HE HAD THE RIGHT TO HAVE!!!! #WOW. WOW…i mean just holy shit the idea of maybe the first time he’s allowing himself to want something (someone) out of not even Not Duty #but just Pure Fucking Spite. but also maybe at the same time being like. he (ecthelion)’s claimed something that should rightfully be mine. #now it’s my turn. see how he likes it when i take his favourite captain for MY own. god thats so messed up im fucking delighted #man this is like three essays compressed in here LOL i prob should’ve put it in a reblog but i wanted it to go through peer review first….

@afaramir's tags, I'm so glad you get this! It's the only way this works for me tbh, and the triangulation between Ecthelion-Aragorn-Denethor is so potentially interesting.

Ecthelion isn't evil or stupid, he knows full well that Denethor is powerful and cunning. I also do not get at all interpretations where Ecthelion thinks Denethor is weak, I don't like that with Faramir, with Denethor it's just incomprehensible.

Denethor was always clever, driven, eldritch and had a ruthless streak I think, and that scared Ecthelion.

I love what you said about Denethor being clever enough to see the parallel with himself and Faramir, but not emotionally intelligent enough to understand where Faramir is coming from! That's so tragic I love it.

Also yes Denethor and Aragorn are definitely rivals for their own sake as well! Denethor sees Aragorn as a mystery to be solved and a bomb he must diffuse before it goes off, but who in his hands could be a powerful weapon. Meanwhile Aragorn knows short term that if anyone blows his cover it will be Denethor, and long term only he can deny him the throne. But beyond the political dynamics of the trio there are all kinds of messy personal feelings, both love and hate that get in the way. Denethor claiming Aragorn out of spite is great.

I’ve said before that I find Denethor and Ecthelion’s relationship strange. Denethor is clearly very competent, very dutiful and very Númenorian. You’d think he’d be seen as the perfect heir to the Stewardship, and yet his relationship with Ecthelion seems abysmal. Ecthelion prefers Thorongil over him, despite them giving him basically the same counsel.

I think I’ve managed to wrangle a set of headcanons that make sense to me. Most of this is speculation, but hopefully in character.

Denethor saw himself as being destined to lead Gondor during a time of great need, and Sauron’s return to Mordor happens when he is in his early 20s. Turgon still lived, with Ecthelion as his heir. Denethor’s power and cunning were presumably obvious from a young age. Perhaps by this point he was already better thought of than Ecthelion by some.

Ecthelion seems to have been a competent leader, and certainly no fool. The appendices call him “a man of wisdom”, but this seems a far cry from Denethor’s description:

“a proud man, tall, valiant, and more kingly than any man that arisen in Gondor for many lives of men; and he was wise also, and far-sighted, and learned in lore.”

“A masterful lord, holding the rule of all things in his own hand.”

In this context, Ecthelion almost seems to be being damned with faint praise. Denethor was dutiful and did not take that which he did not see as his right. He made no claim on the throne. His use of the Palantir however shows great self-confidence, which along with his belief of being destined to lead Gondor and the old Húrinionath tradition of being led not by the most senior but most competent man of their family may have led to strife with Ecthelion.

I think shortly after Turgon’s death Denethor made Ecthelion an offer, to make Denethor joint or sole regent to rid himself of the troubles of ruling, similar to Romendacil II with his father and uncle. Ecthelion took this (understandably but wrongly) as Denethor threatening him and plotting a coup. This shatters their relationship and leads to Ecthelion’s close relationship with ‘Thorongil’. He’s the perfect answer to Denethor, removes any need for dependence on his son and is undoubtedly loyal (while also serving as a surrogate son). Thorongil is a perfect shield for Ecthelion, and Denethor’s rivalry with him keeps Ecthelion’s position safe.

This holds until Ecthelion begins to show his age. Unable to rule anymore, he’s forced to concede more power to Denethor, who now starts to take up the regency. Aragorn is backed into a corner in this potential powder keg and decides to take his victory at Umbar and quit while he’s ahead.

This also neatly parallels Denethor's own relationship with Faramir. Ecthelion believes Denethor is disloyal because his duty to Gondor outweighs his duty to his father. Denethor in turn sees Faramir as disloyal because his duty to his own moral code outweighs his duty both to his father and his country.

[peachcitt]

fanfic year in review - 2020

hey laddies i was tagged by both @miabrown007 and @strangerahne to do this, so without further ado here we go!

1) List of fics completed this year in the order they were finished: 

Bone Tea (march) // All These Selfish Feelings (march) // Doomed from the Start (may) // Wouldn’t it be Nice (may) // my favorite set of stairs is the one up to your room (may) // screw the classics, and screw you for believing in them (june) // Friendship Bracelets (june) // Those Benevolent Stars (june) // the dark and the stained glass watchers (july) // Bloodsucker (july) // Messy Advances (july) // Happy Endings, the Sun, and Other Steps to Madness (july) // Guessing Game (august) // Passion Fruit Sunset [zine piece, currently unavailable] (september) // Home Coming [zine piece, currently unavailable] (november) // here (november) // bread and oranges (november) // clarity (november) // burgundy, near black (december) // About Emma Martin (december) // cherries (december) // falling, flying (december) // aloe-infused fuzzy socks (december)

23 fics??? okay well looking at it like this just makes me feel ridiculous

2) Number of words written:

219,184 words (which includes my unfinished fics on ao3 and the wips i haven’t posted)

again looking at it like this just makes me feel ridiculous

3) Your most popular fic:

friendship bracelets - the first in the series of my homoerotic college au zukka fics. honestly? i can’t even say im surprised

4) Your personal fav:

MAN this is hard. okay it’s gotta be a four-way tie between bone tea, those benevolent stars, home coming, and screw the classics and screw you for believing in them but really i could be lying because i wrote so much this year (i guess now last year?) that i was really really proud of 

5) Your fav scene:

okay i have a lot of favorites but for right now i’ll say: the scene in chapter 3 of those benevolent stars when adrien and marinette are sitting on the banks of the seine and they talk about their favorite colors and adrien’s soulmate - it’s such a quiet and gentle moment, and because you know that their favorite colors are based off each other’s eyes but only marinette knows that and because you know adrien is talking about his soulmate to his soulmate and she knows it but he doesn’t. it’s full of such beautiful, tragic dramatic irony that i just love so so much

6) A fic or scene that challenged you:

hm okay the last few chapters of bone tea were definitely challenging not only because of, like, the big fight scenes (which, im not really comfortable writing fight scenes) but also because i had take all of the mess of emotions in bt and wrap it all up into a conclusion that needed to be satisfying. the same could be said about happy endings, the sun, and other steps to madness (minus the fight scene part)

writing impure - my changeling jim au fic - has also been a fun challenge because i basically watch trollhunters episodes as i write, examining each line of dialogue and each character interaction and seeing how that scene or relationship would be changed by the fact that jim is a changeling. it was also a little challenging to keep everything fresh and new - especially at the times when the dialogue from the show stayed the same in the fic, but so far, im really really happy with the way the fic is going

7) A line of writing you’re proud of:

off the top of my head are these two lines, both from screw the classics:

It was the ‘Daisy, Daisy, Daisy’s, over and over. Like her name conveyed some sort of deeper meaning that she expected Daisy to be able to understand. Like if she repeated it enough, it would become a sort of prayer that God would listen to, that He would enact to make Daisy put her fists away for once in her pitiful life. It was just “Daisy, Daisy, Daisy” over and over until her name stopped sounding like a name, like a word, and it was just a sound to fill the silence so that neither of them would have to talk about the way Basira’s touch lingered each time she wiped blood away or the way Daisy would always sit so that her knees touched Basira’s even though they were on the floor and there was more than enough room for them to breathe different air.

and

But sometimes Jon was easier than Basira. He didn’t have any of Basira’s softness - he was all edges and sharp lines. His elbows were basically knives, and his hips were edged with broken glass.

the first paragraph i really love because there’s almost a rhythm to it - like poetry - and i love the sound of it and all that it means in the context of the fic. 

the second little bit i just love because every so often i think about it and i love the imagery and metaphor and the way it fits jon - in canon and in this fic. in this fic, they’re all in high school so jon is gangly and skinny and bony and in general, he’s just abrasive and a little rude. this description of him i just love (and the way i described him from martin’s pov in doomed from the start; “Jonathan Sims looked, even from a distance, as if he was perpetually smelling something awful. His features, just left of handsome, were marred by furrowed eyebrows and a distasteful frown.”)

8) A comment that touched you:

LITERALLY SO MANY????? the comments on the final chapter of bone tea, telling me that the story was something that they loved and found comfort in, the long comments on any of my fics detailing their exact favorite parts, the comments that were just short jokes that made me laugh out loud - literally i can’t pinpoint one. im just so thankful to have written things that people respond to with such kindness and love

9) Something that inspired your writing:

music!!!!!! i found myself making playlists for a few of my fics this year or listening to specific old playlists of mine for the right mood for a fic, and it’s really inspired me to write

also, as always, my own personal experiences. i thought and felt a lot this year, and i think in every single one of the fics i posted this year, you can probably find a central thought or feeling driving it that no doubt comes from my personal life

10) Your proudest accomplishment (that one scene; finally finishing that one fic; posting your first fic; etc):

finishing bone tea and tying the title to the fic!!!!!!!! finishing happy endings and also tying that title to the fic!!!!!! getting accepted into two different zines and working with two different amazing artists and completing those fics!!!!!!!! literally writing anything at all!!!!!!!!!

11) Do you have any writing goals for the next year?

i think mainly i just want to write, you know? i want to stop putting so much pressure on myself, because this past year i put so much pressure on myself that i was constantly feeling like i was underperforming (which was, like, super untrue, but you know how it goes) so when i wasn’t writing i felt like i was wasting time. i mean, don’t get me wrong, i had so much fun writing and creating all of these things that im so so proud of, it’s just the space in between writing sessions that i want to let myself breathe in. i don’t want to dread thinking about writing for fun anymore because that’s not fun

besides that, i think my other goals are to just continue forward with my unfinished projects - impure, the new wave, the bone tea extras - and to officially start the other two long fic ideas i have for mlb that ive been really excited about for a long while. this past year i wrote a lot of one shots (like. so many. oh my god) so maybe this year i might focus on long projects. who knows though definitely not me it’ll be a surprise for all of us

=

anyway that’s all!! thanks mia and strangerahne for tagging me!! ive been needing a lot of reminders lately that i have, in fact, written this year, and having to, like, do math and scroll through my ao3 page and all my google docs has been really enlightening so thanks so much for this

i tag: @lnc2, @chatnoirinette, @deinde-prandium, and @rosekasa! y’all don’t have to do this, but i’d love to see how y’all felt about your works this year and also to see y’all love yourselves very much because you deserve it. also literally anyone can do this you can just say i tagged you i don’t mind it’ll be our secret - i highly encourage it because it’s very sweet and very fun to look back on all you’ve accomplished this year

<3<3<3<3

[omenics]

ive had this idea.. say that mc is extremely good at spell drive like has amazing technique and power (almost on par with malleus) but since they’re in ramshackle, crowley let’s them pick which dorm they want to represent. how would the dorm leaders try and appeal and try to get you on their team? this can be any dorm leaders you want!! ty!

[𝐍𝐀𝐌𝐄] 𝐒𝐋𝐀𝐘𝐒 𝐀𝐓 𝐒𝐏𝐄𝐋𝐋𝐃𝐑𝐈𝐕𝐄 , leona, kalim, jamil, azul.

› ..[name] aka the best student in the school loses 90 years off of their life <3 gn reader. — this is so cool! tysm for the request

LEONA.

yk damn well he’d want you on his team

the second he hears that (honestly probably from grim or crowley or whatever) that ur close to malleus’ level?? bros hatching a plan already

said plan is going up to you and forcing asking you to be on savanaclaw’s team, dw he will ask nicely (spoiler he wont)

bro would probably be too scary to say no to. tbh im speaking from myself but he would just scare you into playing smh like hello leona be nice ;(

honestly hed probably just make ruggie ask and since its someone who isnt leona u’d say yes bc its not leona 😊 so u join either because of intimidation or just someone asking who isnt the dorm leader

KALIM, JAMIL.

tbh i think it wouldve been jamil’s idea

or just the dorm collectively agreeing that they’d have a chance to win

oh [name] is on par with malleus?? guess we have a new teammate 😊 not only for that tho dw theyre probably the only ones that actually like you

anyways it would be mean to say no to kalim hence why he asked. personally. this was all jamil’s plan bc he knows no one can say no to him because why would u hurt his feelings?????? thats just mean [name] 😐

god i sound like im babying him but i am not. in general no i dont wanna make him disappointed okay i would feel too guilty so you would be too

in conclusion youd join bc no one wants the best twst character to be disappointed 😪

AZUL.

i forgot if their dorm competes LMAO

but anyways in this they do and by the minute youre done talking youre playing with octavinelle bc theres no way hes not convincing you

mf is standing behind you with jade and floyd after they overhear ‘powerful’ and ‘choose’

i dont even know how but its probably just the shadiest bet sugarcoated in a way you absolutely cannot refuse. they have the worst blackmail too or smth. oh you ate worms as a kid? everyone’s gonna know if you disagree.

they even tell you ‘nd ur just like ‘how did you find out abt that????’

note i did not eat worms as a child that was my cousin

anyways your best best is joining azul if you cherish your ego and or reputation 😭

[butchviking]

could you elaborate on your idea of treating dysphoria with therapy. i guess you don't have it figured out yet because if you did you would've already therapied the dysphoria out of yourself. but like. what are your ideas? where do you think dysphoria comes from? how could one fix it with therapy? conversion therapy gets a bad rep, how different or similar is your idea of fixing dysphoria with therapy from the spooky idea people have of conversion therapy? anything else you want add

oh i sure the fuck don't have it figured out. i have no kind of education or training or qualifications in anything like that i am just another dysphoric dyke on the internet. i just wish anyone who IS in that field seemed 2 b listening lol

so im not aware of any standardised therapy to target dysphoria in any way, but ive known & heard from soooo many detrans/desisted/reidentified/etc women that therapy has either hugely helped w their dysphoria or in some cases they've been able to eliminate it entirely. a lot of the time ppl talk like dysphoria is smthn that is just ingrained into you as a person, something you're born with and something that - unless u transition - u will eventually die with. but that's not true! there are often very real causes that can be found out and dealt with. fr example a lot of women have identified the main cause of their dysphoria to be childhood trauma, often abuse and very often sexual abuse (it doesn't take a genius to figure out why this would lead to someone hating/resenting/feeling wrong in/being disgusted by their body. doesn't take a genius to figure out why they'd want to be male instead.) and i mean. listen talking with a group of women anyway there's usually a lot of trauma. but talking with a group of transmascs is like. jesus fucking christ there is so often so much awful shit that has happened to them. (in fact this def applies to transwomen too tbh, ive known a looot of transwomen w a history of sexual abuse. not as many as transmen but definitely higher than the general male population). physical abuse (or witnessing the physical abuse of a mother) can be another cause; that feeling of never wanting to be a scared helpless little girl again and wanting to be strong and able to defend yourself - things that are usually associated w men. these thoughts aren't usually conscious, its not like u think "i want to be a man bc i blame my body for what was done to me and i feel like if i could get out of my skin and be something more powerful i'd be safe and happy" - but thats what ppl often find out in therapy, and after coming 2 terms w that they find they don't have to take it out on themselves anymore and they manage to make peace with their body.

for a lot of women their dysphoria was caused by simple social restriction - ive no doubt in my mind that a huge reason for mine is not being able to be topless in public or have my shirt unbuttoned or jesus christ even just. just fucking EXIST without them having to be an ISSUE. i weaned myself off binding years ago and for a long time i managed 2 get to a place where i didnt even think abt my chest that much. and then some guy makes one comment abt how i never wear bras and its like. oh god i had tried to forget that you people can SEE them. and that sent me into a lil spiral for like a month lol 👍 pair that w going to mcr nj and forgetting to wear a bra the first night and finding my movement severely restricted due to not wanting my tits flying everywhere and i came back from that trip like. can someone just fuciing cut them off. (mcr PLEASE stop transing my gender im not strong enough...) (actually i was going to say that after that trip i wore a binder for the first time in years but i think im getting my timeline mixed up. i think that was before the show actually. bc i distinctly remember that i packed it for the trip 'just in case' and that was after i'd already worn it once around the house & once to a wedding) and obviously idk what the solution is for me there but i think a combination of therapy & lifestyle changes could help me get at least somewhere. i know that for other women lifestyle changes have been a huge factor - living & being around only women has been so healing fr a lot of detrans/dysphoric ladies & ive read some really moving things abt the impact going to womyns land has had fr some. misogyny in general can really wear down how u feel abt ur body over time, without u ever necessarily attributing your feelings to that. and when i say 'misogyny' im also including the simple existence of gender in that! to be born and to be separated into a category based on your body and to have that be something thats supposed to dictate how you live your entire life - you have a vagina so you have to wear this and act like this and people will have these expectations of u and you're limited by these restrictions and if you step out of line, if u dont do femininity or dont do it well enough, you will be punished. by god of course u grow to hate your body and your role in the world. of course u wish u could be a man and just fucking. live and breathe and exist without all these stupid fucking made-up rules & requirements! for a lot of ppl, recognising that & recognising that the problem doesn't lie with them, but with a society that made them feel that way, is huge. & after that realisation they can begin a process of forgiving their body. turning the blame out from where they've internalised it. & this is definitely why so many detrans/desisted/reidentified women get so hard into feminism. that's what brought me to radblr in the first place & started my own process of reidentification!

now obv i can't cover every possible cause of dysphoria here bc its as many & varied as ppl are. and listen im on mobile so i cant see how long this is but jesus christ i know it must be fucking long. and its still going to get much longer! so there is one last obvious cause of dysphoria that no-one likes to talk abt, but which is probably THE most concretely linked: being gay! for at LEAST hundreds of years (im sure there are some ladies around here who could attest to older sources tbh, it could be millenia for all i know) lesbians have written about feeling like they're a man's soul in a woman's body. sexual inversion theory was the default belief for how and why people were homosexual for a long, long time. and that theory is so completely alive and well. im not even going to say any more on this one. it's obvious and i think almost every single butch lesbian (& plenty of non-butch lesbians) feels this at SOME point. the proportion of homosexuals in the transgender population is definitely higher than in the general population. however even if ur het that can induce dysphoria too, cause u get ppl who say they don't want to date men as a woman, they want to do it as a man - which a lot of ppl put down to gay fetishisation but i don't think its all about that. i think its abt wanting to be on equal footing. so no-one is safe really!

ok. so what is the difference between this and conversion therapy. conversion therapy in my mind is smthn that seeks to 'correct' your behaviour/identity, rather than smthn with the goal of alleviating distress. like i don't think any of the stuff ive talked abt should b done w the goal of making someone not identify as trans anymore - idk identify how u want i guess. the identity isn't really the thing that matters. u don't even need to identify as trans in the first place for any of that stuff to b helpful - it's all abt lessening the distress u feel w ur own body. and the main thing 'trans conversion therapy' means 2 me is trying to force gender conformity on someone. like trying to get them to accept their assigned gender role. to get a gnc female who identifies as transmasc to ditch not only the identity but the gnc behaviours & presentation and accept their 'place' in the world as a woman. and gender (a word which to me is synonymous with the phrase 'gender roles' like they dont exist separately that is literally what gender is. its roles.) is my greatest enemy in the world FUCK gender and i don't ever ever think anyone should b forced to abide by it. i think it is the greatest evil on this planet. to me, the comparison of therapeutic dysphoria treatment to conversion therapy is like. say if someone was gay, and was severely distressed by being gay. they couldn't accept it and they hated it and they were depressed about it. this person would definitely benefit from therapy to help them ACCEPT the fact that they're gay and to help them feel comfortable with themselves about it. which is very very different from a 'therapy' which aims to make them not gay anymore. u know?

now im not going to pretend i know or even believe that everyone's dysphoria can be alleviated or erased with therapy. i have no idea how many ppl this would work for. maybe it would help 5% of ppl, maybe it would help 50%, or 95%. honest to god i have no idea. and sometimes figuring out the root causes of your dysphoria doesn't really do jack shit. there's a lot of things in my life i could point to that explain mine. but the trouble is that knowing that doesn't make it go away. it's a mental illness & it's as complicated & often stubborn as any other. chances are that therapy would help some ppl and not help others. and if u try it out & it doesn't help & u still think transition is the right path, then cool! if that's an informed choice and a medical risk/commitment you're willing to take then honestly i believe in giving ppl that right. but like i said the other day, the big thing is that without the OPTION of psychological treatment, there's really only the option of transition. well that's not tru actually, because some people do choose to simply live w their dysphoria, much as one might live w many other mental illnesses. i feel like that's also not an option spoken about often. u can actually just live with it. learn to manage it rather than try to cure it, let it ebb & flow. a lot of the time that will suck, but what mental illness doesn't? for many ppl, learning ways to manage & live w their dysphoria is a more sensible choice for their lifestyle than transition, which basically makes u a lifelong medical patient. for some ppl it's better than taking the health risks. sometimes u just gotta power thru.

anything else i want to add - yes, of course there is. there's a million things i could probably add. i could talk abt this for hours. actually i probably have bc i kept coming back 2 this on breaks at work so im sure ive put a couple of hrs into it by now. i didn't even mention eating disorders and how commonly comorbid they are w dysphoria; how it's all just different forms of body dysmorphia (but as many ppl have said, when an anorexic tells a doctor their body is wrong the doctor tell them no, your mind is wrong, and you need psychological treatment. not so with dysphoria.) the transwomen ive seen basically turn into plastic surgery addicts always seeking more and more changes bc they don't reach the end-point they'd imagined, where they're happy w their body now, bc the discomfort always came from inside their head and their body was never really the problem. the transmen who plan on just taking hormones but not getting top surgery, or vice versa, and then end up doing both AND getting phallo and often still finding themselves unsatisfied at the end. the unrealistic expectations people often have in the first place when starting transition, and the doctors who, instead of being realistic and helping patients to manage their expectations, promise the absolute world - leaving ppl completely mentally unprepared if things don’t go so well, where perhaps some therapy beforehand could have helped them accept what they’re getting into. the studies showing that although ppl REPORT being happier after transition, their life satisfaction scores on assessments aren't actually any higher than before. but i just got home and got to my computer and it turns out this reply is already. my god. over 2,000 words long. and holy shit even viewing it on desktop it’s enormous. so u gotta know when to quit i guess.

thank u so much for asking this. y’all know how much i love to talk abt this topic. i know everything is split into ‘sides’ on this sometimes, like it’s just some discourse, but it’s real people’s real lives and it’s so so important to me for everyone to see that. i want trans & dysphoric ppl to have more options, and to know about the options that they do have. there may not be any standardised dysphoria therapy but as i say, many women HAVE had life-changing results with other kinds of therapy, and there are many professionals out there who will absolutely work with you to the best of their ability if you want to get to the bottom of your dysphoria and come up with ways to lessen it or manage it. unfortunately, there are also many who will run for the hills because they don’t want to endanger their licence or reputation by being branded as conversion therapists. and i want feminists who see this as a solely political issue to see the humanity here and to recognise that dysphoria is a very real and often very debilitating mental illness that can’t always be cured by just explaining to someone that gender is made-up and bad. and no-one is a traitor to the female sex or an inherent misogynist for the choices they make to deal with that mental illness and live their happiest life.

and im. so sorry for all of ur dashboards. but hey, if u can scroll past 79 images per day of my chemical romance, then im sure u can scroll past this too if it’s of no interest to u. i hope not tho. if u read this all then god bless i am so thankful. everyone have a wonderful day <3 i am going to go have a nice big glass of mead bc it’s been a long night & all this thinking make hal head hurt. peace ✌️

[somethingelse-inaflash]

some fun highlights of the interaction:

He asked if I was single and my dumbass was HONEST?? I said yes and then immediately after clarified that I wasn’t looking for a relationship. But I was just scared that he was going to know I was lying ok?? Idk I was just worried he’d clock the lie and get mad that I said that just to get him to leave me alone. 😭 idk man I panicked. i also briefly considered just telling him I was gay but that didn’t seem that safe either tbh.

at one point he had a really great non-sequitur of ‘im sober by the way’ (ok??? cool?? that’s a great way to make me think you’re not actually but ok)

He said the classic lines of ‘im not trying to be a creep you know?’ ‘I promise I’m a normal dude, I’m not being a weirdo.’ (😀 thanks! That’s a totally normal dude thing to say!!)

Mentioned his favorite sex position is 69 (😐)

told me was 29 then later on said he was thirty. (hmmmmm which is it)

asked me AT LEAST 10 times if I thought he was ugly throughout the whole conversation after I told him no I didn’t have social media and I wouldn’t give him my number (me: no! 😀 of course not! 😀 it’s not you, Im just really not interested in starting any relationship 😀😀😀) 😭 i hate myself. why was I so nice 😭😭😭

responded to my deflection of his advances by saying he wasn’t looking for anything either but we could still be friends!

five minutes later says he’s looking to settle down and ‘you would make a great wife mami’ (stop😭)

mentions he has three kids (I see this as a perfect opportunity and say oh! Tbh I’m really not good with kids. He sees this as no obstacle and says that’s not a problem. …????cool.)

Calls me beautiful despite the fact it’s literally so dark?? like bro be fr you can’t see me lmao. not to mention I had been walking for like 20 minutes at that point in 80% humidity and hella wind?? am i beautiful or am i the only woman you came across be fr

Tried to ask where I live (😬 hello???)

Promised me he wasn’t a bum and that his truck was in the shop.I also think he tried to impress when he rattled off the type of truck but i quite literally have no idea what the fuck any of it meant

said he owned two businesses and also *gestures to fire station* ‘they asked me to come be a firefighter but I’m still thinking about it.’

Lifted his shirt to show his abs. ‘Looks can be deceiving, I can lift 250.’

Tried to compliment me by saying ‘I know you’re not like those other girls trying to be bad bitches out there cheating and shit’ (😀👍🏼 wow thx)

At no point during any of this did he ask for my name.

I also have no idea what his name is either??

He did want clarify that I was in my twenties like 5 times tho so that’s cool??

I truly don’t know how he managed to talk for so long while I said so little. And oh my god there were so many times I thought the whole thing was finally over and I’d start walking away only for him to be like ‘and another thing-!’ When I finally got away for good i wanted to smash my head into a wall after realizing how long I stood there and just played along with the guy. Like damn honestly I should have just walked across the street after the third time he tried to wheedle a yes out of me.

wtf wtf wtf im so angry at myself right now because I’ve always prided myself on my ability to quickly shut down interactions I want no part in and get out of there but every single iota of my ´take no shit’ attitude just went right out the window??

literally tell me why I just got roped into a THIRTY. MINUTE. conversation with a random ass fucking man at 1am while I was just trying to walk my dog in peace. I feel like I got possessed by the ghost of every people pleaser ever the way I was just smiling and nodding with every other word. I also think I must’ve said ‘well I’ll let you go’ and ‘well have a nice night’ like 5 times at least?? 😭

I love the vibes of midnight/1am walks so much but I think it’s ruined for me now. like I don’t think I can do that again, good lord. and honestly the only reason I wasn’t more freaked out was because my dog is a whopping 70lbs and we were right across the street from a fire station. but god longest half hour of my fucking life holy shit.