#im recovering from a cold and i have no physical or mental energy

[amoripomoea]

ofc the second i have free time to rest and actually enjoy my hobbies all this shit pops up

[lovebvni]

Shifting tips plz?

hey hon!! i’m going to be honest, i’ve been avoiding answering this because i feel like this is a three part thing. before shifting, during shifting, and after an attempt. so im gonna try to answer it like that.

!! long blog ahead !!

pre-shift

• before a shift, it’s good to meditate. get your mind, soul and intention on one thing, making an attempt.

• set an intention/affirm! for a few minutes, just say “i am going to shift.” “i have shifted.” “i will shift this attempt.” “i always succeed when i shift” or things like that. get it deep into your mind, into your bones! let the universe hear it!!

• do something to tire you out PHYSICALLY! this is some advice i haven’t seen before, but has helped me. if your physical body is tired, it’s easier for it to fall asleep so it can recover. but, after exercising, your mind and subconscious wasn’t doing much, so it still has energy to spare!

• hype yourself up! another thing i don’t see much, making yourself excited to shift. if you’re pumped with adrenaline, and then you’re about to do that action to get where you’re going (example, you got ready for a party and you’re getting ready to go in your car) you’re going to be like going CRAZY mentally and this will help u so much!!

• reflect! yeah, this is similar to affirming, in the way you’re reminding yourself of what you did and what you can do. remind yourself of that he attempts you made in the past, the symptoms you got, the times you temporarily shifted (or minishifted if u call it that) remind yourself of your power, your abilities!!

• read your script to where you’re shifting! if you have a script, of course, i know some people mentally script or don’t script much, but look over it if you have one. change little things, remind yourself what you look, the colour of your eyelashes compared to your eyebrows. random things like that.

• visualize it. “thoughts become things. if you see it in your mind, you will hold it in your hand” — bob proctor. this isn’t limiting yourself to visualizing, hell, you can SAY you’re doing it. like i sometimes tell myself “i’m going to shower” or “i’m going to make a blog today” then i do it. i saw it in my mind, i spoke it, now i hold it in my hand. and there’s proof! witnesses, bro! sometimes, all you gotta do is think it and believe those thoughts are real.

during a shift

keep focus! or as my pastor once said, keep watch! watch your thoughts, watch your mind. if it starts drifting away from the method and you start thinking you want a sandwich ( *cough cough* me and @shiftingwithhale *cough cough* ) then refocus and redirect your thoughts. “i accept this thought, i will now move back to shifting.” then focus on shifting again. your mind WILL wonder, and that’s not a bad thing! you are human as much as you are god! you will make mistakes! but that doesn’t mean you keep making those mistakes. yall, i accidently stole once and i CRIED MY FUCKING EYES OUTTT!! before returning it. i was so upset i accidentally stole, and i went back in that store CRYING when I gave it back.( i was like 4 btw. i was so scared, it was cold n i wanted to ask my mom for smth but i forgot when i was holding her hand 💀)

listen to a sub/theta waves/a guided method! just something! it helps the brain focus and calms the crazy side. this is obvs if u have the ability to. for example, i know someone who can’t have their phone after a certain time + their parents make sure to take it before and check on them. they aren’t into shifting, it just makes it extremely difficult to talk to them after a certain time 🙄🙄 if u can’t do this, dw!! listen to a sub before going to bed/while doing hw :)

when intrusive/negative thoughts come — “why am i doing this?” “this is stupid.” “i what if i mess this all up bc i gotta sneeze” WHO TF CARES!! LITERALLY MOVE. TELL THEM TO SHUT UP. TELL THEM U WRE BETTER! OR EVEN TAKE A BREAK BRO! the break can literally b a few minutes js to regroup. sit up so you won’t fall asleep, open your eyes, count your fingers and toes (LMAO?? this is specific to someone) and tell yourself “i can do this because i’ve done it. plus other people have done it, all over the world! if one can achieve, so can another.” i feel like it’s so powerful just to remind yourself that if other people can do it you can. if you wanted some new shoes but js got fired from your job n you don’t know what to do, then just wait for a moment. talk to ppl you know. get it done somehow, because eventually you’ll get those shoes, if not better ones!

just do it bro 💀💀 like actually. if you fall asleep after counting to 17 WHO CARES! an awake method can b an asleep method. your brain shutting off does not equal your subconscious shutting down. dude, it CANT DO THAT!! it’s always working, and it works better when your body is resting. keep that in mind.

after an attempt

CELEBRATE i don’t give a shit if you fully shifted or not. you did something. you committed to it. sure, i know it’s hard to keep high spirits, but celebrate the little things. isn’t thanksgiving coming up? be thankful that u found out abt shifting. be thankful you can do an asleep method n shift that way. don’t b mad u didn’t wake up in ur dr, be happy you woke up in a parallel reality and you’re even closer!

write down what worked and what didn’t! if something in your method frustrates or confuses you, change it or remove it. if you visualize in the middle of the method, and you don’t like it, drop it 🤷 do what helps YOU PERSONALLY! use this as a form of journaling. and also, take a deep breath and write out your frustrations w shifting. then write what you love about it. always balance the negative w positive <3

do a reality check! make sure you’re not in a dream. weather you shifted where u want to or not, it’s always good to get in the habit of doing reality checks. it may surprise u and allow u to lucid dream and then shift!!

be in the present! if you didn’t shift, fuck that! you’re here right now and that’s what you can control! sure, you didn’t shift in the PAST but you can in the PRESENT and the FUTURE! so focus on that. it helps with your hope and motivation <3

that’s all i have for u lovely! if i think of anything else, i will update this blog, bc i do rlly believe and hope it will help people <3 this is another blog that made me think, so thank you for that! :)

i love u honey!! i wish u the best on your shifting journey !!

[makur0]

hiii hope u r having a great day ! ur writing is so..... [froths] /pos

is it ok for me to rq a "morning after sex" fluff fic w keito? im a complete sucker for aftercare/morning after sex fics lol. also i have mo idea if this counts as non-nsfw since this is a bit suggestive so uhhhh u can ignore this rq ! i dont wanna trouble u !!

thanks in advance ^_^ (btw sorry if im not making any sense i only got two hours of sleep last night lmao)

hmmm ok! in fact, let's do all of AKATSUKI (cause why not lmao)

Keito Hasumi is a GOD at aftercare... maybe even more so than when you actually sleep with him. I will admit he follows a strict schedule and throws you off a bit, but after a while it's common between the two of you and definitely relaxing. I don't think he's the type to stay in bed and cuddle after an hour or so the two of you wake up; he's going to likely wake you up around 8 sharp and bring you into the shower, then you guys can snuggle as he gives you the massage of your life. And as you are getting dressed he'll set up all these scent sticks that he knows that will have a calming effect on you. And his favorite part: You guys sit down together and read quietly, basking in each other's warmth and silence. His aftercare is mostly mental aftercare, but will still make sure the physical side is well taken care of.

Kuro Kiryu may have a lot of energy to burn whenever the two of you go at it, but the following morning he's out. It's likely you wake up before him, his snores muffled by the blanket, and you get out of bed to do your morning routine and recover from last night. But even if the man is knocked out cold he knows that your warmth is now missing, and will fight in his sleep to try and gain it back. When you walk into the bedroom again he has his face shoved in your pillow, splayed all over the mattress. Because he's been fussing so much he woke up just a little bit to realize your presence in the room, and opens his bleary eyes to see you all freshened up and all. Will definitely complain that you didn't wake him up so that he could do it for you. But no matter- within a second your diving back into the sheets, hooking onto Kuro like a koala and shoving your face into his chest. General aftercare is just bear snuggles and nothing else :)

Souma Kanzaki would have to be taught how to do proper aftercare, just like sex. To be honest I feel like the first few times he would be needing the aftercare, you cooing little cute things into his ear as you force his sore muscles to relax. But after a while he gets more attuned to it, and soon enough he'll be the one to give you those well-needed massages and sweet words. Generally though it's never directed toward just one person, but you guys hold down each other. Either one needs it more than the other, or you guys just stay in a stiff blanket ball until you get hungry. Deadass tbh-

[julykings-blog]

okay guys it's been a while since i posted a blog here in tmblr, this blog is about my story of while i'm staying here in my mom's and sisters house, as you can see guys my previous blog was i got robbed at the beach where i tried to go for fun but unfortunately i was robbed by bad people, then i went to my mom's and sisters house since I don't have a choice where i should go and maybe this is Gods way, i was almost living here for about almost a month now all i did was sleeping and watching movies reading manga, and checking for an online job but i feel like i don't want to commit to any jobs right now since i have lack of money and i didn't feel physical and mentally well and i'm thinking about my mom as well if i left who will look for her she's getting older now. i am also worried about my health and what if i got sick again since i have diabetis,

Actually while I'm typing this blog i have a fever and cold, i feel so weak at the same time i feel guilty by not doing anything in my moms and sisters house, i feel useless,

These past few days i met a girl named Gloria on Facebook, She was a cryptocurrency trader a half japanese girl i like her appearance she has everything i like about a girl, cute and beautiful and she has a stable job and a professional graphic designer, we chatted for about a month then we both want to have in relationship since we have the same bad experience in relationship i thought she will understand me until, at first we are good we share our problems and my problems too we are both empathetic to each other which make me fall to her but since i have been on a lot of relationship it is not new if she will left me,

Then suddenly the kind and understanding girl was changed in an instance, she forced me to find a job though i know that she is correct that i need to secure our future since we promise to each other to get marry once we settled everything and she will tried to visit me and i told her i will visit her as well on Cebu since we have different province im in Bataan province and she came from Cebu province but i felt that it is not the time yet, Then she tried to teach me on how to do trade with the permission of her uncle then when she asked me to bet i said I don't have money then she tried to insist though she said she will send me one thousand and the rest I'll find a way to atleast learn and do trade, i said that it is not the right time but she still insisting and forcing me but i felt a little bit mad since she's not listening, then we ended up fighting and argued about my current situation,

She belittled me and humiliated me i felt oppressed, she humiliated me from my situation and she said if I don't do anything right now she will break up with me, she said I'm depending on my mom though i already told her why i went to my mom since i was robbed, then I don't want to accept the fact that this is another mistake relationship, I don't have a choice now..

But to let her go, without a second thought, Base in my past relationships I'm really afraid to lose someone they always left me due to my situation in life but now I don't want to force anything i knew that i already did my best they what I'm thinking is if they want to leave just leave if they want to stay then stay, I don't have any energy to fight for someone to stay since i experience many heart breaks before, this time i don't want to fight or chase or sacrifice, I believe that if the girl really love you she will accept you and help you no matter what though i know that she is right i feel useless i still don't have a job but i know in the right time everything will be alright,

If time comes that i recover from my health and become mentally fit I'll find a job as soon as possible, while at home i read many books, history and practicing english, but i need time, jobless is not a valid reason to leave your boyfriend or your love one in this difficult time she is not the right girl to keep, though most of the girls wants a guy who have stable job and good income but i already told her everything before she make promises and commitment and she said she will not going to leave me no matter what happen but she lied so i decided to let her go but i still believe that there's still a girl that will accept your situation and help you to grow and she will stay untill you succeed that's the true love,

But if there's none I don't know, my mind was just floating right now,i know that she is right but if she can't wait then she is free to find someone else,

I told her I don't deserve her i don't know but I don't have regrets losing someone since this happened many times in my life my heart get numb.

What i want now is to spend time with my family though i felt guilty and felt pity but there's always time for everything, since i never went home for years, When i left i experienced a lot of troubles and my health became detrimental this is all because of willingness to become financially freedom and financially independent, i want to replenish i want to regain my strength and motivated and i want to condition myself i felt depress before so i wanna make sure that i could use my wings again to fly before i decided to find job again and fight for my future.

#mylifestories

#gettingnumb

[extravalgant]

Any headcanons for how an earth born wizard would adjust living to the spiral from a biological/laws of physicals stand point?

OOH IVE BEEN MEANING TO TALK ABOUT THIS.... i havent really gone in depth and written these down so im writing them on the fly omg

— i think the atmosphere with the different worlds differs compares to earth, so i feel like the wizard would get constant headaches, or constant nosebleeds

— speaking of that.... i feel as if spiral medicine is much stronger than the standard stuff the wizard might be used to . the wizard might feel its side effects more strongly :0 or possibly become allergic to it in the future...?!

— every time they travel to a new world their ears pop. each world kind of has a different temperature and atmosphere and it looks like our wizard seems fine for the most part. perhaps on some worlds the air is a bit thinner? thicker? or theres something in the air that always makes us feel stuffy..... wizard allergies .

— im not sure if the spiral bypasses the laws in which that energy cannot be created or destroyed - were not really working with energy more than it just being... magic .

- THIS DOES MAKE ME THINK.... DOES MAGIC HAVE ITS OWN LAWS? are their magic scholars?? magical studies that go into their own studies and classes??

- i COULD try and make some magical laws but.... that requires too much brain power and im still recovering x_x BUT PERHAPS ANOTHER TIME....

— i feel like there are spiral versions of the cold and the flu, and they are nothing like the ones back on earth, since i feel like wizards born in spiral worlds like wizard city have an easier time regulating them because their biology was built for an influx of magic

- the wizard is... different since their body wasnt built for that from the get go. thats why i think spiral flus or colds, or just over exerting themselves on their magic can have disastrous consequences to both their physical and mental health

[diwyllian]

mental health/medical rant below i just need to put my thoughts into words bc??? man i might be onto something here 

okay so ive stumbled upon the definition of chronic fatigue syndrome a few times and i finally decided to check it out, due to a few symptoms ive been experiencing since about last year and i dont know how to feel about the fact it really seems to suit my experience? i do classify myself as a burnout victim and have for many years, but my symptoms never get any better, and although i dont experience a depression anymore im still sensitive to stress and have very limited energy, especially after ive been to work or done almost basic tasks such as going to the store. (like imagine having to take a nap after a 20 min walk, thats what im talking about) however theres a few symptoms that dont show up in the criteria for burnout which shows up in the other one and wow. 

ex: 

feelings of being sick, whilst not actually being sick (been happening for 1+ year now and its only been getting worse lately. its often fever type symptoms at that.) 

feeling worse due to exertion, something that can last for days or longer - with a slower ability to recover from it (took me a month to recover from my night shifts back in november hah) 

“brain fog” (happens regardless of whether i feel somewhat rested, makes it super hard for me to read and type when it happens. i cannot focus whatsoever or recognize spelling errors. i just feel mentally gone and out of it, my head tend to “shake” a bit.) 

muscle pains (tend to happen to my lower back back and shoulders.)

breathing issues (ive literally been to the doctor as well to check this one, but they couldnt find a cause as to why breathing became harder for me whenever im physically active. like it sometimes feel like i cant breathe at all and i need to fully stop and catch up) 

reoccurring throat pains (the throat is sensitive place in general, at least my tonsils. cant go a cold without them being infected.) 

then theres those things that sort of overlap but the gist is still there like i just cant help but to feel like the symptoms seem more in tune with my general experience of exhaustion. only thing is that its super damn hard to get a diagnosis on this shit in sweden, like you have to fight so hard for anyone to take you seriously at all and you often end up misdiagnosed :( when you already have limited energy and stress makes your life worse youd think theyd make it easier for you but nah. im able to work and stuff like that, so id be a milder case but i also know i have a hard time working full time and would prefer to cap myself at 80% but yeah. those two days extra in terms of freedom and the ability to rest up makes wonders. 

i need to dwell on this a bit further and make some more research. im definitely no doctor and i refuse to diagnose myself in that sense, but it could be worth checking up on it with some info so that i know what questions to ask and what symptoms to highlight if i decide to see someone about it. (i probably should but ya know its covid and everything.) ive just been wanting to find a solution to my fatigue for years and no one ever seems to be able to find the cause, maybe this could be it? 

[itsnewstome]

#4 ("God, you're pretty) for the prompt list! (and i love your writing so much its the best k thx bye)

send me more prompts

MUHUHAHAHAHAHA

So you didn’t gimme a pairing, so it’s Gen. Sorry? im not sorry i like how this turned out

Rating: g

AU: theater au! they’re in a production of falsettos, it’s dope

  “Okay, start again. Dave, for the love of God, try to look less gentlemanly, and more like you want to just eat him.”

  Davey frowned at Jack. “That doesn’t help me very much,” he noted dryly.

  Sitting at the table, the chess board between Davey and Race, Davey felt inexplicably tired. They’d been trying to get this scene down for the better part of an hour, never even getting through the entire Chess Game song before Jack was getting on their asses, saying that they weren’t doing something right.

  He had decided that Davey was too cold. He thought that his gaze was leering instead of smoldering. Forget the fact that Act I Marvin is mostly a leering asshole, Davey isn’t selling the passion enough!

  “Let’s just try it,” Jack said. “Here we go. Go ahead, boys.”

  “From where?” Race asked. His hands were folded together and stuck between his thighs, looking ready to work, to learn. God, how was he not tired of this scene by now?

  Jack hummed, making a little face. He shot a look to Elmer, who was at the grand piano at the edge of the stage. They had a small, silent conversation before Jack turned back to Davey and Race. “Your move the pawn,” he said finally.

  Race nodded firmly, and sat up just a little bit straighter, looking proud of himself. Davey leaned his elbows onto his knees and put his steepled hands up to his mouth, looking like he was contemplating particularly hard about the chess pieces in front of him.

  “Move the pawn,” Race sang, prodding Davey along with a little lift of his brow. All teasing and fleeting expressions. Davey didn’t budge, so Race moved to mirror his pose, leaning on his knees. He pointed to Davey’s immaculate line of chess pieces with his index finger. His finger poked in his direction with every word he sang. “Move the pawn.”

  Davey sighed, flicked an unimpressed glance to Race, but he didn’t move.

  “Take my hand.” Davey softened his eyes and took Race’s offered hand, his fingers trailing over Race’s palm. Race flipped Davey’s palm in his hand and put it over one of the pawns, sliding it forward two spaces. “Play the game.”

  Davey took barely a pause, flipping his hand to hold Race’s again. He leaned in even more, his eyes on Race’s mouth, tracing down the slope of his neck. “God, you’re pretty,” he sang.

  Race rolled his eyes, pulling away. “More’s the pity-,” Davey looked like he withered as Race pulled away, crossing his legs and taking his hand from Davey’s. He crossed his arms across his chest, sizing Davey up “-since you need a man-,”

  “What?” Davey jolted up.

  “-who’s brainy.”

  Davey rolled his eyes and glared at Race. “Or witty,” he said. It was as if accusing Race of being anything but. “Move,” he commanded.

  Race looked back down at the board. “What should I do now?” They went through the lyrics effortlessly, Davey seeming more than a little peeved at Race and at how unable he was to grasp the concept of how chess worked. “Chess ain’t how your boyfriend thinks!” he snapped.

  “This game stinks.” Davey looked at Race plainly, letting him read between the lines as he wished.

  After a second, Race bit his lip and looked back to Davey. “Let me win?”

  Davey put up his hands. “Yes, sir.”

  “Please?” he batted his eyelashes, and Davey nodded.

  “Yes,” he sighed.

  Race’s grin was unreal. “Thanks!” He began shifting the pieces on the board, and Davey tensed, opposing. “Whizzer wins!” Race declared, grinning with a childlike excitement. He picked up Davey’s king, waving it in front of his nose. “Whizzer wins! Checkmate.”

  The two of them twisted in their seats until they faced the audience. “Life’s a sham and every move is wrong.” Davey didn’t need to spare Race a glance to tell that he was still smiling, still high off of his cheated win. Davey dug his fingers into the knee of his jeans and kept his eyes straight ahead. They sang the last line together before Davey stood up. He bit the inside of his cheek and did his best to look pissed off as he walked away from their table, and away from Race.

  “What’s the matter with you?” Race called after him. Davey could just see him gaping.

  He reached the end of the stage and and turned around. He watched Race play with the black king, twisting it in his fingers before slamming it down on Davey’s side of the board. He sighed in an exaggerated motion, his shoulders slumping. “Marvin!” he yelled to the ceiling.

  Davey took a breath and shook out his shoulders before marching back on stage. He didn’t have the physical suitcase with him, but he mimed putting it down anyhow. Race looked between Davey and the invisible suitcase, understanding and hurt showing on his face.

  And then Jack Kelly bursted their little bubble, getting out of his seat so he could climb the steps onto the stage. “I think we’re going to stop there today,” he said.

  Davey tried not to wither, but he wasn’t too sure how he did. He moved to sit on the back edge of Race’s seat. Race twisted around in the little space given and grinned at Davey.

  “I thought we did a lot better,” he said quietly between them. “You didn’t look like you wanted to eat me, but I could actually believe that you wanted to kiss me that time.”

  “Yeah,” Davey murmured. “Honestly, no offense-.”

  Race patted his knee. “I get it. It’s not me, it’s you. Literally. Your aro-ace ass hurts me deeply, Davey.”

  Davey snorted. “You’ll recover,” he told him flatly.

  Jack pulled his cardigan closer around him and consulted his clipboard. He was really fitting the Theater Director Aesthetic, Davey thought. The skinny jeans and glasses instead of contacts were fine, but the cardigan and the clipboard-easily-swapped-for-an-iPad really cemented the look.

  “So, Dave, I want you to come in just a little bit earlier when he yells ‘Marvin,’ okay? Maybe already be walking out by the time he says it. It just drags on a bit long and I’m not about it.” Jack scribbled something on his paper and hummed. Davey made a mental note, nodding to himself.

  “Marvin,” Race said quietly, amping up the whiny tone in his voice before smirking sideways at Davey, who snorted in amusement and knocked his shoulder with Race’s.

  “Davey,” Jack went on, “I liked it better this time around. It’s starting to get the same energy as Thrill Of First Love. Good job. Keep at it, alright?” Davey bobbed his head. “There were a little rough patches in the music, too. Race, you’re going flat at times. Please, for the love of God, be practicing those parts. Meet Elmer and I after and we’ll go through them.”

  “Got it,” Race said.

  “Davey, I liked your high notes.” Jack kissed the tips of his fingers, reminding Davey of Spot’s Italian grandmother. “Good shit, my friend. It’s like when JoJo goes high on-,” he sucked in a quick breath, straightening his shoulders, “-and still the bastard divorced me!” Jack’s face contorted and his pinched together fingers twisted in the air. His voice was almost a screech, and he wasn’t on pitch, but Davey knew what he meant. Race stifled a laugh into the top of his hand. “You know? It’s Good, I want to cry and bottle that sound up to give to my mother-in-law for Christmas.”

  Davey laughed. “Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome.” Jack grinned at him. “And I think that’s it. Y’all pack up and head home.” He looked to the front row behind him to the five others in the cast. He gave them all pointed glares. “Take care of yourself, you heathens. Get some sleep and work on the notes I gave you.”

  Davey heaved himself up from his chair and exhaled deeply. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Race.” He smiled at the man, who grinned back.

  “See you later, man. I’m off for consultation.” His eyes widened in mock horror as he stood up and began to walk away.

  Davey snorted. “Good luck!” he called after him. Davey was quick to gather his things, and he met his little brother Les out in the aisles of seats. “Was it convincing?” he asked Les after they told everyone their goodbyes and began to leave the theater.

  Les paused for a second, thinking. He nodded, glancing at Davey. “It was better,” he said finally. “Needs work.”

  Davey laughed and ruffled his brother’s hair. “Come on. I’ll take you to that sushi place you like.”

  Davey was graced with a larger-than-life smile and an excited pair of brown eyes.

[majorasnightmare]

personal

hate how im losing speech daily, hate how my brain is constantly short circuiting once im home from work to the extent that i cant even talk to my partner at all, hate how ive been in an extended mental breakdown for months now, hate that my living situation excaberates all of my worst symptoms of all my neurodivergencies, hate hate hate that instead of getting better everything just gets worse

i go weeks on end without any form of stress relief while everything gets exponentially worse, my brain is so fried i cant even watch tv anymore because the level of under stimulation physically hurts, and i no longer have the mental strength to maintain my focus on anything. if theres a show on or a sudden sound or sudden movement, my brain blue screens and im unable to do anything else

im solely responsible financially for three cats i didnt ask for (even if i love them to pieces) and because of that none of them have been to the vet or gotten fixed, which means the two females have to be seperated from our male, which means they sleep in mine and my partners room. and one of them wakes me up every two hours on the dot trying to tip over my partners 50 inch flatscreen he got as a gift from a now disowned relative that we cant afford to replace. i havent slept longer than 3 hours at a time for months plural

my body is breaking down on me at a pace i cant recover from with constant shooting leg pains and constant arm and shoulder pain that makes it difficult for me to move. on top of that 3 weeks ago i went for an emergency dentist visit for tooth pain and i have to somehow schedule and pay for two removals, two subsequent bone grafts and implants, and four crowns. and im trying to schedule more xrays but the office never calls me back even when they say they will so i end up waiting weeks to have enough free time to actually call them because of my work schedule

im constantly hysterical, im constantly exhausted, im constantly in pain, im constantly sleep deprived, and my workload increases exponentially. my partners mother expects the two of us to end a summer infestation without using bug spray or calling in exterminators. she expects us to tear the whole house apart cleaning with broken worn down bodies and then keep going to work for 8 hour shifts in jobs without air conditioning in 90 degree weather surrounded by asphalt, where we are constantly on our feet, where her job is mostly deskwork in an air conditioned office with occasional bouts of admittedly back breaking cleaning.

im no longer capable of relieving my own stress by any coping method i have available. it feels like my brain is rotting in my skull. i cant focus on anything. the amount of effort its taking to write this post is insane. everything is tv static and misery and im so suicidal im genuinely alarmed. im so miserable and so relief deprived that i cant bring myself to find any reason to continue existing in this torture. i cant even get any relief from my partner anymore.

any attempt at stress relief that i dont have to manage or be responsible for is sabotaged by my hysteria and anxiety, further denying me any chance to recover emotionally and worsening my emotional state.

im breaking down daily. im losing my ability to formulate sentences and coherent thoughts daily. im losing my ability to leave the bed daily. im only able to eat one meal a day. i havent been able to shower for months because my body is so run down that i cant go through the sensory load of standing in my narrow cramped tub while scratchy clingy shower curtains stick to me, just to force myself to scrub my body and wash my hair, only for the experience of washing my hair to be so nightmarishly bad it causes another breakdown and i go into overload. ive had to rely on wet washcloths, wet wipes, dry shampoo and deodorant for so long im scared itll make me sick, but im physically incapable of standing in a shower and going through that, even if someone else does it for me. the sensations inherent to showering are so god awful that i cant power through it. im scared its gonna make me sick and my only saving grace is that its difficult for my body to sweat in high heat, and while it makes me more prone to heat stroke, it keeps me from getting too dirty and gross

my parthers mother agreed to foster sugar gliders, who are very sensitive to cold temperatures, and so the whole apartment is forbidden from using the ac. in aforementioned asphalt surrounded 90 degree weather. our window doesnt have a screen, so because we keep the two cats in our room we cant open the window. we cant keep our door open because the cats have to be seperated. our room is consistently the hottest room in the house, with differences in temp being 10+ degrees between our room and the living room directly outside it

i cant talk to anyone. i dont have the energy to form sentences or maintain a conversation. im a ghost in every group chat im in. i cant string words together enough to even indulge my special interests or hyperfixations. i cant focus on them enough to enjoy them. i cant focus on my games or my own thoughts. i cant string my thoughts together enough to participate in any of my creative outlets. all my energy is devoted towards work and then to cleaning, and i am a hollow scraped out shell of a person for it. the one thing in this world that has deep comforting spiritual and philisophical importance to me, food and the making and sharing of it, has been reduced to barely registering to my body. it tastes like ash and dust to me now and i dont even want to eat it anymore.

ive lost everything that keeps me going while my living situation tries its damnedest to wring every last drop of energy out of me

my life is a living hell and i just want it to stop

[tiny-dinos-running]

update ...

alright, here we go. I’ve put on some music and lit a candle. this is gonna be a long one so buckle up buckaroo. (if you are a stranger reading this i am SO sorry)

let’s start by saying i did write a long-ass letter to swim about two months ago but Tumblr deleted it when it tried to post. i got so frustrated that i logged off and tried to forget about it. In the future i plan to rewrote that post but i want it to be sincere so I'm holding off for a while longer. I do want it to be documented though. 

time to get into life. i think I'm gonna do it list style 

1. Graduation.

I haven’t updated since before Disney world (amazing btw,, will post pictures soon). I graduated in May of 2019. It was freeing and added more pressure all at once. All of these memories are jumbled up with my hatred of swimming at the time. Everyone was asking my plans for the future and i had to say “I’m going to Northern State University in South Dakota to swim and study to become a ped. physical therapist.” even though i wasn't quite sure that was what i wanted to do. I mean that WAS the plan. BUt maybe i didn't love swimming anymore and SD is awfully cold. My graduation party was pretty sad tbh. barely anyone i know showed up and it made me sad. i felt very alone the whole day and just unwanted. I told my mom i didn't want a party for that exact reason but she didn't listen and i was left feeling beaten down by life. I was honestly very depressed at this point but hadn't realized just how bad it was. 

2. Summer. 

summer was strange. i taught cole and mase how to swim and that was great. i got to start a love for a swim while mine was slowly dying out. Bri was one of the first people to know that i was thinking about quitting. At the end of June, i had made the decision 99.9% of the way that i was ready to be done swimming. I held out till July and i went into EPIC looked at Coach Kirk and told him i was done. This was it. I was retiring. a swammer. those words bring tears to my eye still but not because i regret it but because it's hard to picture my identity without swimming. I loved swimming so much and here i was walking away from it. a strange mix of emotions. ( a letter for another day). the rest of the summer consisted of telling NSU that i would not be coming, getting very tan, and enjoying the first summer i can remember that i had no responsibilities. I lifted with Kevin, kai, cass, and Hannah which was really fun and a great way to keep my body moving. i still live but its just Kevin and me )and a few of his friends) oh and also I and Abby decided that we were gonna learn how to skateboard. we are not good. we are reaallll baddd. and i turned 18! by dad

3. Nanny.

so since i was taking a gap year i had to get a job. I ended up with this AWESOME job nannying two boys. D is 4 and so so fun. I spend most of my days with him. He is such an introvert and has the stubbornness of 100 bulls. My mom says that we sound like we are the same person which i would have to agree with. I find him so funny and i truly love that little guy. he's like my little best friend. M is 8 and so crazy cool. I don't see much of him because school but when i do i am constantly amazed by him. He does biking ( like ticks and stuff) and is an awesome little climber! also is probably one of the bravest people I've ever met. a daredevil at heart. he is gonna be such a cool person one day and i hope that he continues to carry his bravery and love for life with him. 

4. Winter.

well, a little mental health update. After i quit swimming things got so so much better. July, Aug, Sept, Oct and the beginning on nov was GREAT! i felt so normal. i was able to get out of bed and do things and function as a real-life person. my anxiety levels haven't really recovered and i still find my self on the edge all the time. We talked about some anxiety meds but that never really went anywhere. I don't want to become into a zombie person so i guess ill hold off. now that winter had appeared I’m feeling worse. my energy has dropped and its harder to get out of bed every day. I feel gross again. it scared me because I don't want it to get bad again but im not sure what i can do. im just ready to be somewhere warm. the hot air and shinning sun revive me. 

5. College. 

i applied to a few colleges. Auburn, Alabama, University of Florida, and the Universit of south Florida, and CU Boulder. i don't want t go to CU but my mom does. i cant be in co any longer. i think ill go to usf. i really like it and its only 20 mins away from Abby and 1 and half hours away from Disney World.

in all honesty, things are good and much better than six months ago. well, see where the new year takes us. happy holidays and have a good new year 

10/8/19

[qualitypizzapatrol-blog]

Pizza fights the Sistem

Yesterday i felt very badly all day, dont know yet if it was cuz was just a bad day or because I didnt have the occasion of laying down some virtual ink soaked by anger on this page. Ill recover today. Double dose...

I wanna talk about how revolutionary is eating pizza. It just fucks all the onanist tendencies of limited people that gotta always put circles in  circles and squares in squares ( and btw that s the game the give us when we are 2 yrs old, no big progression from that point) . I dont know why this topic, maybe is cuz Im in a place, Japan, where everything has to be meticolously categorized and processed always in the same fuckin stupid way. SIDEWALKS! I mean....SIDEWALKS! How can you screw sidewalks? easy, instruction for dummies ;

- lobotomize people convincing them that every rule is fondamentally necessary to society’s prosperity

- give them a fucking “walking direction” . So you gotta keep the left as strictly as when you drive

Result? I always bump into tons of people because they dont care if you slept 3 hours and you had been standing into a cold operating room with your feelings and heart broken in 1000 pieces for 18 hours straight, they are gonna keep the “right way” no matter what. Since Im a very polite person I always say in these occasions “ gomen-nasai “ you poorly minded motherfuckers! But I m not making a racist argument about Japanese, it’s not  their fault, they were born in a society where everything was so overpacked and closed and pressed that everyone had to strictly observe rules and codes to assure a decent living. Here it comes the mighty PIZZA! Here the fucking pizza is squared! SQUARED!!! It s not a piece of sushi c’mon! 

All this post is not about Japanese ofc. I always tend to say things using layers and layers and layers of allegories. Remember the fruitless pompous style? You are knocking at the right door . I d like to expand the argument to wider horizons. Someone once told me I “ look at things as they were black or white, no shades of greys”... doesnt this sound so fucking black or white?? What I modestly think is that people are scared of strong opinions, especially about themself , so they barricade their souls behind tons and tons of confy and reassuring garbage. And the connection with Japan is obvious, you gotta walk on the right side, mesmerizing yourself in the crowd. Let’s make a mental experiment ( i m a fisics geek, well, have been ) : you are a proton, big , tanned, ripped, smart,fuckin smoking hot proton, and you have your only electron orbitating around you. This electron is the only you have ( you are an hidrogen atom ) and the only you ll have cuz the chemistry ( actually fucking atomic forces) made the matching, not you. Now, this little, pretty, soooo smart and passionate and talented and superbly crazily hot electron just get tired of orbitating at some point because she ( ops) feels like it s such a heavy job. How can this happen? well, it cant. Not in physics. Not in nature. In order to leave his proton an electron gotta recive enought energy to move to the next “orbitating station” and more energy again and again ,station after station, till it can finally be free. At this point the little pretty electron is not part of the atom anymore and it cant say it still feels part of it. That s not being black or white classist : either you are part of the atom and you keep orbitating no matter what ( cuz you just cant exist out of it )or you are free and alone and ur life sucks ( i dont wanna tell you which is the destiny of a free electron, you check it). Why people cant behave like the matter they are made of? because you know, we are not made of dreams and bullshit like that, we are made of fuckin red squishy beefy meat ( atoms-->molecules-->cells-->organs-->body--> human). I think i know why. It s cuz we have a huuuuuge problem that avoid us from behaving naturally ( like THE japanese problem)... we dont eat enough pizza, or we do maybe but without realising our act of rebellion. We gotta confront with a terrible thing; the idea we have of ourself and our interactions with the world. We give rules and limitations to what shouldnt have any of those by definition. If you love someone you should just keep doin it till there is no love anymore . If you just run away, because you wanna convince urself that all ur problems dont come from you but from someone else cuz it s easier ( and we all do this, apart from me that im perfect by postulate), you are just gonna live forever like a miserable person. Like japanese. They convince themselves they are happy, but that s the biggest lie EVER.  bye, I hate you none, but mostly I hate myself.  p.s.cLook at my writing position in the next post. how can i be soooo sad and angry?