#im really losing my entire fucking mind
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Im sorry i keep reblogging that poll so much. Its like sports. To me.
#im laughing im having a great time even if sulemio loses in the end which i dont think will happen the destiel fanatics have shown their#entire asses with their reactions#shoutout to that one person who tagged that they voted destiel originally but changed their mind and are rooting for sulemio btw#you have my heart you are the only sane person in your bracket#yumi talks#again im sorry moots its just really fucking funny to me im gonna tag the rest of my reblogs
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You don't understand this isn't even about ability theories rn or analysis on jack shit for me, I can't even think about that coherently yet. This is about the fact that I somehow managed to latch onto a character based on his appearance in the fucking Dead Apple movie years ago and become so deeply obsessed with him and he not only keeps getting restrained (by his own purposful choices) not only has gotten his shit wrecked beautifully multiple times, not only died sexily and dramatically on screen bleeding all over the goddamn place, but now it turns out he can just die multiple times? He can get his shit wrecked and it is not the end? He can keep bleeding out and getting his pathetic ass dragged past the brink and show right back up? Do you understand how many horrible boxes he checks off for me without even having to manipulate canon in my head? What have I done to deserve such enjoyment omfg.
#im losing it. i am unwell. i cant believe this. now i really have to pretend none of this is on my mind to focus on important stuff. when i#should just be focusing on this mfer#bsd spoilers#bsd ch 114#i want ppl to be able to filter but sry sry i will take the l and have this in the tags for yall to be able to do that#even though this is just me being completely ridiculous rn.#christ alive this is like the best fucking day for me#fuck my entire life
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the masculine urge to take a saucepan off thr draining board and bash myself repeatedly over the head with it until I pass out and no longer have to experience feeling Bad 😍
#struggling to tolerate this one ngl its fucking dire this weekend. i just cant do this man#thr things i would fucking do for attention please. just one person to notice and care in the slighest i feel like im losing my fucking#mind out here how does every single person who has ever mattered to me in my lifr see me in distress and choose to ignore it or maybe they#dont even recognise im ij distress in the first place i dont know whats worse i dont think i hide it well at all im just so done#listen like ultimately its fucking fine. i will get myself through it like ive gotten myself through everything else in my fuckijg life#i dont even feel bad that often these days im doing so so so much better and its so much more tolerable to only have to deal with this#once or twice a week instead of it being a struggle every single day like i dont think i could go back to feeling like that again ever i#dont know how i managed to get througyh it before jesus fucking christ. but i can deal with it i can deal with this#ik ill feel fine tomorrow. its just thr fact im so desperately fucking alone with it that makes it so much worse than it has to be#i fucking hate repression i hate being so incapable of expressing myself that its easier for me to injure myself than it is to talk about#how i feel to anyone i hate being trapped in this stupif fucking torture labyrinth and not knowing how to get out of it and never being#given a single avenue anything to hold onto i hate having to do it alone every single fucking time and when i do try i just freeze out#entirely i cant form a coherent thought my brain enters total fucking shutdown pure static white noise fuzz and i dont know why please#its so unfair i dont think its that much to want a little comfort. just once just for someone to stay with me while i cry it doesnt have#to be more than that i just dont want to be alone like this i just want to feel safe around someone just close to someone just once#and well ill survive without it bc i always have i guess. so far at least. and there are many things im grateful for and i do in general#feel pretty okay my life is pretty good at times even. i feel so pathetic and stupid and ashamed for even feeling like this#but do i have to go my entire life without ever experiencing any kind of real intimacy with another person emotionally that is#i mean physical is nice too and they go hand in hand in some ways but i just want to feel seen and safe over anything.im tired#i feel like i try.but not hard enough i know its all my fault really but i dont know how to try any harder but nothing will ever change if#i dont i cant expect anyone to do anything if i cant rven communicate in thr first place. oh i dont want to think about it anymore#i have a headache from crhing and its not even 8pm ugh. okay. well it is what it is.#ill breathe until i calm down and then tidy up whatever i left in the kitchen and get my work stuff ready for tmr#and polish my boots maybe. and read and go to bed at 9:30 i think. and ill feel fine in the morning#my fault for thinking about it earlier i know i shouldve nipped it earlier on its such an easy spiral to fall into i need to get better#it happens. okay anyway. no cause for concern im good guys. weakly thumbs up at the camera all covered in blood#my period is late actually thats probably all this is lmao. makes sense thinking abt it#cant wait for it to finally start and all earthly desire to leave my body so i never experience pain again amen#.vent#ignore this sorry for being mentally ill im not even that mentally ill anymore so no excuse rly ummmm. bit embarrassing innit.
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ten in the journey’s end makes me so goddamn mad…rose punched through MULTIPLE dimensions, tracked you through all of time and space, single-handedly saved Donna while you were doing fuck all in a market, gave EVERYTHING to find you again and ALL. SHE. WANTS. IS. FOR. YOU. TO. LOOK AT HER!! WHY WON’T YOU LOOK AT HER ITS ROSE!! ITS THE HEART OF YOUR HEARTS!! YOU COULD EACH DIE ANY SECOND NOW HOW MANY YEARS HAVE YOU SPENT WISHING YOU ACTED SOONER HOW MANY YEARS HAS SHE WAITED FOR YOU, BURNED HOLES IN THE UNIVERSE FOR YOU AND YOU’RE STILL! LOOKING! AWAY!
#WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOURE HUGGING HER??? FRENCH THAT GIRL!!!!#MARTHA WAS MORE EXCITED TO SEE HER THAN YOU!!!#somehow stephen moffat returned….#we really need to explore what the fuck would have happened if the metacrisis ten never existed bc WHAT was he going to do about her…#they were all alone inside davros’s little cave. just the two of them. and every glance she gives him is so full of love and care.#and he can’t look back. why can’t he look back#what happened.#what happened to if I believe in anything I believe in her what happened to how long will you stay with me#what happened to the way he looked at her on Christmas Eve as they charted out the stars#WHAT HAPPENED!!!!#the entire arc of doctor Who from seasons ONE to four has been that Rose Tyler is the center of the Doctor’s universe#one touch from her reanimates him he’d bend worlds for her he couldn’t save the world but lose her#she looks into the time vortex and rearranges time and space for him he kisses her and saves her and saves her and saves her#when he loses her he FALLS APART#he spends 12 episodes descending into literal suicidal madness for GRIEF of losing her#and then he gets her back.#SHE comes back#SHE defies the laws of UNIVERSES to get back to him#AND HE DOESNT !! LOOK !! BACK!!#im losing my mind#doctor who#rose tyler#tenrose#timepetals#tenth doctor#10th doctor
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surprise no surprise therapy was Not Long Enough 🫠
#i basically ended up only talking about korra the entire fucking time and !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#im!!!!!!!!!!!!!! losing my fucking mind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and yeah sure it was me talking about the things i'm too scared to talk about on here bc i'm scared of some wackjob twisting my words#((bc whoopsie i actually really like the complicated moral political and ethical stuff in korra))#but every fucking time we talk about something like this i have to take like 10 fucking minutes explaining what doxing is#and that YES it's a genuine thing people do over fandom bullshit!!#also i have ''homework'' to reach out to someone to either go to a physical or online pride event and fucking kill me i don't wanna#went to an event last year and it SUCKED i dont wanna#negative
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Jacob Geller wasnt kidding, that time loop can nihilism
#deathloop#guess whos got deathloop brainrot 2 years later#the ethics of this game drive me insane#if ur the only person trapped in a time loop who knows are you obligated to save it or destroy it?#are you really better than the rest of the visionaries when you kill them all over and over and over?#i have never had a game take me from 'Oh No NPC dont come over here i dont want to kill you!'#to 'how can i kill these guys as efficiently as possible so i can explore easier' this fast#it even has me considering leaving stealth almost entirely which is wild i love stealth :(#but stealth is only really fun the first time through an area or when its avoiding consequences sucessfully#but like fr the more i think about juliannas perspective the more its so crunchy! Like shes basically protecting a bunch of people#living the same day over and over forever#and thats not even getting into the sheer crunchiness of colt and franks relationship like! god i have so many thoughts#anyway shutting up now#gaming#jacob geller#still not done so no spoilers pls#anyway guess who just found out juliana is *spoilers redacted* and im losing my fucking mind a second time#this time loop ruined peoples lives not just once but twice#did colt make all this just to try to recreate the *spoilers* time he lost trapped in a loop?????#im going insane#i speak
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see the reality is i post on my rps usually when nobodys been there a bit and nobody is probably online, but the mental illness in me keeps saying its bc everyone secretly hates me and i dont deserve love, and when i tell a gov doctor that, they basically just say ‘take your antidepressant’s and shut up’ which is also funny when said gov doctor wont refill my fucking antidepressants in the first place
#what i need is smthn for my anxiety and PROBABLY the obviously worsening ocd#but anxiety meds and antidepressants dont mix well#just like adhd meds and anything else dont mix well#which is why i just have a redbull if i need to focus bx it works for a few hours and then i pass out#which isnt healthy but its better than going through the diagnosis process AGAIN bc they dont have my info anymore#its early sad times rn w brina who hasnt gotten an ounce of treatment at all hi#see the other thing is#if i talk about my mental health at all#people will either hate me for being annoying which is what my brain will pinpoint#or feel sorry for me which i also dont want#all i rly wanna do is vent but thats never really an option at all#like yes i know its not normal to want to have a breakdown and cry bc your fucking pillow isnt the correct fluff and wont dluff#i know its not normal to feel like you should die because something wasnt in fhe spot you put it in and was moved slightly#im aware. and the reality is nobody who can do anything about it cares#i have to get an authorization to see a therapist or get meds at all even tho the card claims i dont have to#and the doc tbey gave me wont give me one#they dont allow email so i cant leave a paper trail when bitching at them and my calls go ignored#im losing my mind steadily#and thats not even onto the physical problems#but also the sheer fucking audacity of the website being all ‘oh just go to ERs and UC snd we’ll cover it’ vs hospitals specifically saying#‘we will refuse you if you have Gov Ins unless you have the money to pay out of pocket#if youre on gov insurance you dont have fucking money thats the entire fucking point. you creedy fucknuts go shove tour nepotism in your#fucking eyes and die if anyone doesnt deserve to fuck its you fuckfaces#sometimes i just want to scream esp when this doesnt seem to be most other ppls issues#but then i talk to other women and it is#it just doesnt make sense and i hate it#but i never rly got help on private insurance either so#tbd#depression cw
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As expected I am frustrated, annoyed and overwhelmed. The group I'm with are actually decent and they're all doing things but I fucking hate this ANYWAY
And I just got an email about my portfolio (which is 18000 WORDS LONG) saying that I need to do YET ANOTHER piece of coding and write YET ANOTHER analysis on top of bothering my manager to put down in writing whatever the fuck she said about my results 7 months ago
I am going to drown my sorrows in fried food
#delete later#fucking hell#i just. i keep telling my data mentor that i discussed thihgs in meetings and that i dont hsve TIME TO DO BIG PIECES OF#DATA ANALYSIS AND SHE WONT FUCKING LISTEN#i still hsve a few assessments to complete and im losing my fucking mind#whats really frustrating is that i did a good job staying on top of it#like i genuinly tried. i just haven't had any fucking TIME#i want to cryyyy. oh well!!!#the impulse to fuckinh self desctruct this entire apprenticeship is so fucking strong. i will not do it. i will order kfc#and eat fried chicken#and ignore work#anf then make up the time after working hours
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God you ever cant remember whether or not you took a medication? On the one hand you don’t wanna flood your system if you DID, but on the other you really don’t wanna fuck around and find out what happens if you didn’t.
#and its not a med I’m like ‘oh No worries I’ll just take it next time’#nah this is 1000mg of an anti epileptic that I take 2x a day#looking at the packet of tablets like ‘WERE THERE ONLY FOUR OF YOU SIX HOURS AGO???’#not to mention the stress from the theatre situation has been really screwing with my seizure activity (and other medical problems -#but heart attacks and high risk if kidney failure aren’t as exciting rip)#and BECAUSE of the stress I KNOW ive missed a couple of doses of meds over the last week#seizure threshold isn’t lowering its dropping like a guillotine#but that’s no worry - ive got my seizure alarm charged and IF I have a grand mal ive gone ahead and removed everything in my space#that could potentially cause bodily harm (I’ve sliced my face open before lol but that was coz I went throng a glass coffee table on tile)#pain meds for the migraine are finally kicking in#thank god sweet relief#I cannot believe this whole theatre situation has put my HEALTH at risk#im gonna lose my mind#its just. three. more. weeks#and even then with the stupid fucking coronation we LOSE an entire day of work!!#fuck the monarchy#for that reason alone!#(/j but eh the sentiment is still the same)#how do people remember if they’ve taken a medication???#ive only been doing this for 12 years lmao#I should buy a pill box. but then I KNOW I’ll forget to refill it#besides every pill box I’ve owned doesnt fit all the pills - not even for a single day#MAKE LARGER PILL BOXES DAMN YOUR EYES#I ought to come up with a pillbox design for ppl with a shit ton of meds - something accessible ya know?#coz I KNOW I’m not the only one who struggles with memory and cognition + takes a ton of pills throughout the day#but as it is I just look at the packaging and do my best#anyways
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#met the hottest butch ive ever seen in my whole entire life tonight#nigh-on everyone in the room had fucking heart eyes SO BIG for her the WHOLE TIME. and then#when she said she ''really couldnt do a relationship right now''#you could hear hearts break in that room fulla gayass bitches#ABSOLUTELY including mine in that count lmao. but also im delusional so even tho after tomorrow i know ill probably never see her again#i am sitting here in bed -- HOURS later -- SIGHING WISTFULLY like a moronnnnn#lmfao. goddamnit.#hopeless romantic central; emphasis on hopeless#she was so fucking funny oh my god. and the goddamn butchivalry was off the CHARTS#i couldnt decide whether to swoon or let my own butch tendencies make me start competing lmfaooo#she was a friend of a friend visiting from the next town over; and this mutual friend had been hyping up her arrival so much id started to#think it was bc she was trying to set us up or something. which legit started to make me kinda nervous before she got here#and now im going fucking insane because oh my GOD#OH MY GODDDDD.#literally just. losing my goddamn mind. i dont know this girl at ALL & ik i dont do casual eeeeeven a little bit & shes NOT looking for That#but... fuck. goddamn. gotDAMN she was so cool#i doubt she was looking at me much If At All lmao; we were all just chilling... im just. objectively Not Good at Being Chill#anyway im writing this here hours later so i dont text our mutual friend at 5am about how rad meeting her was like some kinda creep lmfao#bee speaks#my outfit was cute but i doubt she was lookin; esp since i came straight to the party after a performance so i was in... weird shape lmao#altho im VERY glad we got to meet Before shes supposed to come see the show tomorrow lmao.#like. now at the very least her first impression of me isnt me-as-kreon; asshole misogynistic tyrant dictator-in-chief that he is hdkdgk
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manic mixed depressive episode on my bday is so fun especially when ur going on 2 days no sleep n have a 12hr shift starting at the asscrack of dawn in 6hrs
#idk if i want to sleep like i do but i don’t i just keep walking in circles n staring off blankly#also bursted into tears for no reason bc i missed my mom and remembered how much i hate my fucking birthday#was in the middle of a borderline argument w my family then just zoned out n glanced at the time and tears welled#6:13???#then i pretended to go to the bathroom to hide my tears from my dad cuz he would’ve yelled at me if i went to my room w/o saying anything#so there i am crying like a pathetic loser on the toilet trying to suppress n swallow down ugly sobs#and there i am crying in my dumpster fire of a room on the floor#i literally go the entire year without crying abt her but every time december hits i always get into this weird funk#and idk why it’s still happening it’s been 7 years#i think my subconscious mind is influencing my body to release the trauma stored inside it bc i was never allowed to grieve her properly#so now in blips of time leading up to my birthday and the next day of her passing i’m 15 turning 16 again#i wish i didn’t have to work tomorrow so i could go visit her at her grave instead like i never go to the cemetery but i really want to#i guess i can go on her actual death day but i don’t want to go with my dad and brothers i just want to be alone#they don’t understand the feeling of losing your mom and best friend on your 16th bday#they don’t understand what it’s like carrying all this guilt and trauma and holding her hand and feeling her hand go limp at my words#i told her it was okay she could let go i would take care of my brothers and protect them from my father and i would be strong for everyone#meanwhile i’m listening to my dad n my aunt throwing all her clothes in trash bags upstairs#i didn’t even get to pick out what clothes i wanted to keep of hers im so angry my dad refused to let any of us miss her#“i miss mom-‘ ‘she’s dead get over it!’#i got over it alright but then this time of year rolls around and i’m under it all again#i miss her so much i wonder if she’d be proud of me i wonder what it would be like to feel her hand in mine again#ooos im crying again lol#im so pathetic i’m literally 23 in less than 30 minutes why am i behaving like a crybaby child#23:33 when i was typing that btw n 333 is my angel/life path number lol#i wanna saw my arm off but i won’t#i debated staring an iv on myself instead but i’m too drained i just want lay down n cry lol#pathetic loser crybaby girl can’t function can’t shut up making everyone uncomfortable with her sadnes n tears stupid stupid stupid#drown in them and die nobody here loves you anymore nobody cares you’re the problem always the problem#i can’t remember if my mom loved me or not everyone says she did but i forgot what it feels like#i wish i never told her it was okay to let go i lied to her i said i’d be okay but here i am manic depressive
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no one bring any glass or ceramic around me bc i am soooo ready to start throwing things
#on one hand this is kinda my fault bc i got into this school on may 4th and didn't start seriously doing housing stuff until this week#but on the other hand may 4th is also pretty late!!!!!!!!!!!!! and i didnt even decide to commit to this school until the end of may!!!!!!!#FUCK#FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK#im so stressed about this guys i really hope it works out at this point i might have to live by myself which. is a great way to make sure i#im isolated the entire year and lose my fucking mind#godddd please help me#ramblings
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treated myself to the very short beginning section of three houses just now but i had to stop n turn off my switch when the game asked me to pick a house bc i started agonising over whether to go w edelgard first or just jump straight into the claude route
#x#fe posting#everyone and their momma says to leave verdant wind for last bc it’s the most satisfying to tie up all loose ends route#and to do azure moon or crimson flower first. bc they work better as one of the first routes#and i TOLD myself ok ok sure i’ll do edelgard first then that’s fine. i like her and a lot of the black eagle characters im sure it’ll be#fun. but meeting claude in game and giggling n twirling my hair over everything he says is KILLING MEEEEEE i can’t abandon him i can’t IM#GONNA FEEL SOOOO BAD#he’s so charming crying real tears rn. i Know what i need to do but man…. pain n suffering …#i remember seeing a take somewhere once that said smth abt how claude gets so permanently shut out of the true potential of his goals on any#route that doesn’t pick him bc he doesn’t get the chance to really establish himself / figure out all the secrets of the game#and so he’s just narratively. barred/locked out from his dreams for good. and ever since i read that it makes me wanna crawl up n DIE when#i think abt it CLAUDE. CLAUDEEEEEEEEEEEE 😭😭😭😭😭😭#also just in general he’s SOO funny and quirky i love him so much he only said like maybe ten lines total but he’s literally such a riot#playing the game while knowing what his entire deal is is HILARIOUS he’s so fucking funny. and painfully tragic even from the get go. AUGH#one of his first things being calling himself the embodiment of distrust is so. it’s just so!!!!! like he WANTS u to know it’s all an act#EVERYONE knows it he’s not being subtle at all BUT THATS THE POINT!!!!! bc if everyone knows it’s an act that he plays around w then they#wont go snooping around as much!!!! AUGHHHHHHHHH !!!! CLAUDE !!!!#im going crazy i shouldn’t have played this i need to finish my last assignment first. n then i can lose my mind over claude#OHHH also can i just say his + edelgards first interactions are SOOOOO funny they’re so much fun. i love their little banter n back n forth#literally iconic showstopping no one can top them EVER#anyways. it’s almost 3am i need to sleep n write my essay tmrw lol
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Feel good occupies the same niche in my brain as this is going to hurt which is "semi-autobiographical show by a queer comedian following a relationship they had at a complicated time in their life that makes me laugh and cry in equal measures" and basically what I'm saying is I need one thousand more right now
#shows i will never stop thinking about#man i should rewatch tigth#also both their soundtracks are just like incredible#GOD these shows man. my shows.#its cause they're both so silly and extra but also so fucking genuine and they cover really dark subjects but with so much love#and like the best thing about the bejng semi-autobiographical is that all of the people are so imperfect#and they make mistakes and theyre selfish and theyre honestly complete assholes sometimes but its all so fucking human#and it's human in a way most entirely fictional shows just cant quite manage and i love it so SO much#its cause your main characters and your love interests and your beloved side characters they all do and say shitty stuff#and your asshole side characters your mates posh girlfriend your unsympathetic bosses they all do and say really kind lovely things#theres not characters they want you to like or dislike theres just PEOPLE yknow like it really feels like every character has a full life#OUGH they make me fucking lose my mind im obsessed#feel good#this is going to hurt
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shogun 👍
#im not really doing Fandom stuff anymore but holy fuck#just finished the last ep and im losing my entire mind about how good it is.#WATCH SHOGUN#if you like fantasy tv or historical drama or really just incredibly well written tv#sooooo refreshing
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#losing my mind here#what the fuck do you mean we have a house guest#i have less than two months to move#but my housemate just puts it on the whiteboard?#not even like a text to let me know#entirely possible they did this on Tuesday night but IVE NOT BEEN HERE#this is why we have phones#this is why i will message about things#so people will know about stuff#that feels#reasonable?#at least i fuckin thought so#im so stressed its making it really hard to sleep#and i feel like a bitch but really???#come on man#ignore me
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