#not to mention the stress from the theatre situation has been really screwing with my seizure activity (and other medical problems -

[mycological-mariner]

God you ever cant remember whether or not you took a medication? On the one hand you don’t wanna flood your system if you DID, but on the other you really don’t wanna fuck around and find out what happens if you didn’t.

[auditionsuggestions]

The List

A list of songs to maybe avoid in the audition room.

Pre-List note: This list goes out the window if they tell you singing from the show is ok or if they specifically tell you to sing from the show. Remember, this list is generally speaking. Also, for some of these songs I’m going to offer some alternative suggestions – songs that sound similar or have a similar arc or character, but maybe aren’t done so often (that I know of).

Also, this list is a lot less important when it comes to community theatre, generally speaking, though it does depend on the director. Still, don’t sing “On My Own”.

Additionally, songs from shows that have been on Broadway in the past 5 years tend to be a bit too new to use for auditions, so they should probably be avoided.

There’s exceptions to every rule, but please if something is marked with a ~ REALLY think about whether you want to sing it.

The list is below the cut due to length

~Adelaide’s Lament from Guys and Dolls

This song within the show is adorable and hilarious. In an audition setting it’s just not great to sing in an accent with an affectation (the typical New York accent that Adelaide is played with on top of her having a stuffed nose from the cold). Unless you’re able to pair it with another song that shows off your real voice, it’s best to leave this one for cabarets and karaoke.

Maybe look at:

“Waiting in the Wings” from Ain’t Broadway Grand

~Astonishing from Little Women

I love, love, love this song…but not for auditions. It’s a great ‘I want’ song with a killer money note at the end if you have that Eb5. However, unless you can do it better than Sutton Foster, leave it at home. Those behind the table will probably have heard it butchered at auditions a lot and just end up comparing you to the OBC in their minds (not intentionally, it just happens) or tuning out.

Maybe look at:

“Woman” from The Pirate Queen

“Sweet Liberty” from Jane Eyre

Being Alive from Company

Sondheim at an audition is always a gamble. Additionally, the stakes for this song can be VERY difficult to build up in 16-32 bars. My gentledudes and gentledude identifying people, maybe skip this one.

Bring Him Home from Les Miserables

Unless you are going to sing the hell out of that Bb, don’t. Just don’t. It’s what we’re all waiting for. If you screw it up, you look bad. If you don’t sing it, you look bad. So my dear tenors, please have that note and have it perfectly.

~Defying Gravity from Wicked

If your name is not Idina Menzel, they don’t want to hear this. It has been so over done over the last 15+ years that the team behind the table may just tune out entirely. Also, if you can’t guarantee belting that F5 every time, you can’t do it under the stress of an audition, so don’t risk it. Yes, you can belt safely but you’re more likely to slip up with your technique if you’re nervous and hurt yourself.

Maybe Look at:

“Look at Me Now” from The Wild Party (Lippa)

“Carrie” from Carrie the Musical

~Don’t Rain on my Parade from Funny Girl

This song belongs to Barbra Streisand. It’s another one that you’ll just end up being compared to the original and that doesn’t bode well

Franklin Shepherd Inc. from Merrily We Roll Along

If you have ever looked at the sheet music for this thing you know exactly why it’s on this list. Trust me, I did this show in college. It is cruel and unusual punishment for your accompanist if you don’t know for 100% sure that they can play it (And typically that’s only because they’ve either played the show or already learned the song in advance). (Listen to it though. I love this show so much and it needs more love).

(Also I don’t really hear this one a lot, but it’s on the list as a precaution)

Forget About the Boy from Thoroughly Modern Millie

Millie in general just gets done a lot, best not to.

~Gimme Gimme from Thoroughly Modern Millie

See above and mix it with the Astonishing explanation and the fact that so many girls sing this in auditions. Heck, I used to use it a lot as my go-to for belting auditions. But it just tends to be severely over done (hence why it’s here with the ~ beside it)

Girl in 14 G

It’s hard to play the joke of the song in only 16-32 bars, so it really doesn’t work for auditions.

Glitter and Be Gay from Candide 

I’ve seen this one on a few lists. I personally haven’t heard it done a TON at auditions, but if you want to show off your more classical sound and some high notes without being all the way in the stratosphere…

Maybe look at:

“The Finer Things” from Jane Eyre: the Musical

Good Morning Baltimore from Hairspray

Eh, a fun song but Hairspray in general just tends to be done a lot.

~I Can Hear the Bells from Hairspray

The same reason as above with the added caveat that your body type becomes relevant due to the lyrics. If you don’t fit the body type for Tracy it just seems silly, like singing the title song from Legally Blonde if you have dark hair. Also this one is pretty damn repetitive.

I Dreamed a Dream from Les Mis

Between the movie in 2012 and Susan Boyle this has come back into some high popularity. Yes, it’s a lovely, moving song. This has a lot of the “Ballad face” thing that can happen (See below for where that term comes in) but you know the face, the “I’m acting like I’m sad right now but not actually feeling the emotion” face

Maybe look at:

“When I Look at You” from The Scarlet Pimpernel (Just a heads up, I suggest this one a lot in this list.)

If I Loved You from Carousel

As an article I read about overdone songs put it “Ballad face alert.” This one is hard to pull off without giving that face. If you are going to do this song focus more on the acting of it. Really think about what Julie is saying to Billy and why. Give it some background and depth not just “this is a pretty song, I’m a soprano (or baritone) and it’s a ballad”

Journey to the Past from Anastasia

Ooooh, this used to be a go-to of mine, but with the show being on Broadway now it’s best to avoid it. It’s still a nice song though. Maybe in a few years when the show has left Broadway it’ll be safer to use again.

~Let it Go from Frozen

This was on this list back when it first came out with how popular the movie was (and still is). Also belting that E and the end has a little bit to do with it being on the list. Also chances are if the people you’re auditioning for have young children, they already hate this song a lot from over exposure.

~Maybe This Time from Cabaret

This is one of those where you’ll be compared to the original. Liza is forever connected to this song in a lot of people’s minds and you don’t want to deal with that comparison.

Music of the Night from Phantom of the Opera

Why? Just why would you sing this song at an audition? It doesn’t have particularly high stakes, it’s hard to sing, and is VERY specific to its show. Also it’s really plodding after a while (duhduhduhduhduhduhduh ^duh).

No Good Deed from Wicked

The stakes are high, the song is great, but Wicked may elicit some groans from the table. If you are absolutely bent on singing from Wicked this or “I’m Not That Girl” are your best bets.

Maybe look at:

“Painting Her Portrait” from Jane Eyre (The belt’s not quite as high, but it’s got the same intensity”

Not for the Life of Me from Thoroughly Modern Millie

Again with the TMM… I heard this twice in about 20 minutes at a recent audition.

~On My Own from Les Mis

If you are considering this you are either just getting into musical theatre or very ballsy. This is the archetypical audition song for women. It’s one of the most overdone audition songs. You may even hear a groan or two if you say you’re gonna sing it. Do yourself a favor and leave it for your shower.

Maybe look at:

“When I Look at You” from The Scarlet Pimpernel (Maybe)

“Wait a Bit” from Just So

“I Don’t Know How to Love Him” from Jesus Christ Superstar (Might be a  little overdone)

 “As Long as He Needs Me” from Oliver (see above note, though I think it’s a bit more classic than overdone)

Out Tonight from Rent

This song is very tied to dancing and a lot of high energy movement. That’s hard to do a) in an audition setting and b) if you’re not a choreographer. Not to mention the register switch on the melisma of “Out” is a bitch to get right even when you’re not nervous.

Maybe look at:

“The World According to Chris” from Carrie the Musical

~Over the Rainbow from The Wizard of Oz

Judy Garland sang it first and sang it best (at least in a lot of people’s opinions). The octave jumps in this are ridiculous tbqh, and if you’re nervous you may not quite make them.

Pity the Child from Chess

We call it “Pity the Singer” for a reason. It’s a difficult song. It’s super range-y. Just don’t. (Plus you’ll be compared to Adam Pascal)

Maybe look at:

“Why God Why” from Miss Saigon

~Popular from Wicked 

Say it with me: Wicked is not good for auditions because it is one of the most popular musicals of the past century.

Run Away With Me from The Unauthorized Autobiography of Samantha Brown

If you really want to pay 10$ for sheet music, sure. Still, between Aaron Tveit, Jeremy Jordan, Michael Arden, and just about every other Broadway heart throb singing this, it may be a comparison you want to avoid.

Screw Loose from Cry Baby

I’ve seen this on a couple other lists and I know a lot of people who love this song (and love this show). It’s cute. I see why they like it, but the joke of the song is a bit hard to play in 16-32 bars. If you’re in an audition situation where they’re letting you sing the whole song and this one fits the show and the character you want, go for it. If not, I’d say look for something else.

Seasons of Love from Rent

This is the song everyone knows from Rent. Also it’s a group number it’s not gonna sound as good without at least 3 other people to sing the harmonies.

Send in the Clowns from A Little Night Music

Aside from being one of the most well-known Sondheim songs, it’s just sung a lot. Also, a note to you teenage singer/actors who want to sing this at auditions: Don’t. As my old voice teacher often says “You’re not used up enough for Sondheim”

Maybe look at:

“Losing My Mind” from Follies

Show Off from Drowsy Chaperone

The whole tap number in the middle, the Sutton Foster association, and the “toot your own horn” factor should keep you from doing this song. It’s like when people sing “I’m the Greatest Star” from Funny Girl, you had better damn well be the greatest star or it’ll just make you look bad to the casting team.

Someone Like You from Jekyll & Hyde

FOOOOORRRRR IFFF SOMEONE sings this song again while I’m in the room I’m gonna scream. Yes, it’s a pretty song. Yes, Lucy tugs at our heart strings as a character. Yes, people sing this all the time. Hell, I’ve sung it in my voice lessons. It’s range-y though and Wildhorn can be kinda weird for auditions (also in my opinion this is not one of his better shows anyway).

Maybe look at:

“When I Look at You” from The Scarlet Pimpernel.

Somewhere That’s Green from Little Shop of Horrors

Personally, I haven’t really encountered this one so frequently in auditions, but a friend of mine had actually complained to me once about how it’s all he hears from women at auditions. It’s a beautiful song, but between its popularity and the urge to sing in the accent/affectation that Audrey is usually played with I would leave it at home.

Springtime for Hitler from The Producers

WHO IN THE 9 CIRCLES OF HELL SINGS THIS FOR AN AUDITION?!

(Again, haven’t really heard this, but it is funny to think of anyone with the balls to sing this in an audition NOT for The Producers)

Stars from Les Mis

Beautiful song. The problem here is you REALLY have to raise the stakes for this to work in an audition.

Stranger to the Rain from Children of Eden

Another great song. However I hear this one done a lot at auditions…even once at a Hairspray audition of all things. It seems to be dying down a little in popularity though, so you may be safe with it depending on where you live/are auditioning.

Taylor the Latte Boy

Another Kristin Chenoweth, not from a show, needs the full song for the joke to really land.

The Wizard and I from Wicked

We’ve gone over Wicked 500000times now (lies. It’s like 5, but still).

Maybe look at:

“The Spark of Creation” from Children of Eden

Think of Me from Phantom of the Opera 

The cadenza at the end is tricky as hell also this has no actual purpose in the show other than “oooh see how great Christine is” and to have Raoul recognize her. There’s not a lot of context you can add to it.

Maybe look at:

“The Finer Things” from Jane Eyre (Fun fact, Elizabeth DeGrazia who played Blanche back in the OBC was also Christine in Phantom at one point in Toronto. She’s Canadian)

This is the Moment from Jekyll & Hyde

My feelings on Jekyll and Hyde are now known. Please see the entry for Someone Like You.

Maybe look at:

“The Impossible Dream” from Man of La Mancha

“Anthem” from Chess (similar sound-at least to me)

~Tomorrow from Annie

This song is great until you’re about 12-14. Once you’re too old to play Annie, you’re too old for this song.

For my younger singer/actors who want something else that fits their age...

Maybe look at:

“Everlasting” from Tuck Everlasting (Or really any of Winnie’s songs from Tuck Everlasting, I just happen to really like this one)

Watch What Happens from Newsies

The patter is tricky, and it’s sung a LOT. (It does have a nice 32 bar cut there though, but even so don’t bother with it unless you want to be girl #387 that they hear sing it)

Maybe look at:

“Spark of Creation” from Children of Eden

Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again from Phantom of the Opera

Phantom is kind of like Wicked in that you just shouldn’t sing from it for the most part. This song also seems like it could become over indulgent with the “I am sad now” and less genuine if one takes it just as a cut for an audition.

Maybe Look at:

“Unusual Way” from Nine

“I Remember” from Evening Primrose

Your Daddy’s Son from Ragtime

This is apparently overdone in some places. It’s a beautiful song but it is also one specifically attached to a character of Color. If you’re not of her race (Sarah is Black), maybe just don’t sing it for an audition.

A note on composers that you “shouldn’t sing”: Yes, there are some who are notoriously difficult to sight read (see: Sondheim, Stephen and Brown, Jason Robert). But you’ll generally be able to find a few by these that aren’t too tricky (or you’ll find a key that makes them a bit easier to sight read). One thing I’ve come across (just in my experience mind you) is that the accompanists at professional auditions tend to be excellent. They can play just about anything you throw in front of them. At community theatre auditions you may be a little less lucky (Again, in general. I love community theatre and think pretty highly of it) but then again you may have a great accompanist there too. A general rule is if you’re worried about the difficulty of your song for the accompanist either don’t choose that one or bring a backup in case you hear that the accompanist isn’t all that great.

[grandmaster-flashraf]

.

This is just me trying to get all of my emotions out of my person so I can focus on studying for my last 2 exams this semester so if you read this and feel any sort of emotion at all whatsoever then yay I did a thing. I'm literally just venting but I don't want to just write it down and I know writing some fkn tumblr post about it is corny as fuck but oh well I don't want to write it on paper only to throw it in the trash. So basically on February 4th 2017 I tried to overdose on Tylenol because I just couldn't deal with my life anymore and frankly I'm feeling the same way now as I did on that day but maybe getting these feelings out will somehow get rid of it. When I was younger I thought I was just above relationships, that they weren't for me at all and I couldn't see any future version of me being in a relationship with a girl. I thought kissing and the idea of sex was nasty unlike people around me who in grade 6 were already turning into little horny animals. I was so high and mighty in my own mind thinking hah I won't be distracted by girls I don't like them at all screw relationships. Then I realized; oops, I like boys, not girls. But being in a middle eastern Muslim family didn't exactly make that easy and so I kinda bottled up that feeling. Apparently I wasn't very good at it though because supposedly it showed in the way I walked and talked and carried myself as a person. My dad had his suspicions and for some reason thought my brother had sexually harassed me which is genuinely disgusting to me especially considering that this is my only brother now that upon hearing about this part of me didn't try to make me change it. So anyways he asks me about this and if I'm gay and I deny both because the first is outright disgusting and the other I'm not ready to share. He basically pushes me further into the closet when he tells me that if I'm gay he can just take me back to Egypt and I can marry a girl there and have a family. Oh I forgot to mention this was when I was like 12 or 13, so needless to say I didn't take it very well. So there's me just trying to get good grades in elementary school because, you guessed it, I was (and frankly still am) an overweight socially awkward child. All I had was a slight predisposition to be intelligent. So life goes on and I do make friends and form bonds with people, but never get into any relationships. Then high school was a thing and I went to a high school where I knew like 5 people going into grade 9. That was probably the most uneventful year of my life until I fall in love with theatre at the end of the year and decide to start doing improv in grade 10 and throughout high school I find joy in it. I make more friends and become closer with the people around me, but still not really impressing anybody at home with anything I do. My love of performing was pushed down by my doctor dad, and when I came home from an actual scripted show I performed and won the competition that night, all I get is the remark that I can focus on school again because all this stupid theatre stuff is over. It's funny how I became so interested in something so looked down upon by my parents, and honestly a huge part of me loved performing and I definitely liked that something I loved to do also pissed off my dad. I also perform at a coffee house event and when my parents find out that the funds were going to support LGBT homeless youth my mom tells me they deserve to be homeless because they might as well have killed somebody and my dad just outright gets mad. So then I'm deciding to go to university to study math, and I was pretty good at it coming to the end of high school. I get accepted to an actuarial science program and I tell my parents I want to accept my offer, but to no avail. They make me take another offer to a science program. I enjoy science, but I had just put in so much effort into researching actuarial science programs and learning about future career opportunities that having my dream thrown under the bus was gut wrenching. They also make me move into an apartment in the same building as my grandma, a 30 minute bus ride from campus. But I'm excited because at least in this city I can just be myself. Even though I had uncles and aunts also living in that city, I was going to take the opportunity to just be myself and not hide my sexuality. I came out to a handful of my close friends in high school, and honestly with the way I was acting I was overcompensating for the fact that I hadn't actually just come out by liking stereotypical gay guy things like Beyoncé and lady gaga and that's a part of why I did theatre too. But regardless, my dad must've predicted that I wanted to be myself when moving to this city because he told me one of his doctor friends said that I'd been fucking guys all throughout high school, keep in mind that I literally never went to a single party because I was barely ever allowed out of the house after dark. He told me that if I was gay I should just wait until he's dead because this would kill him anyways. That he'd never be able to look any other family member in the eye when he has a gay son. That I should watch out in this city because I have other family members in the city who know people and if word gets out everybody is going to know. I don't know to this day what he expected to come of that conversation. He wanted me to change the way I walked, talked, and moved my hands around while I talked, but that person was the one that got accepted to the every university he applied to. I had adhered to every single rule put on me my entire life, and still being me just fucking wasn't enough. We had this conversation while my mom was visiting my sister and her newborn kid, and this was also the day before I was going to drive to this new city and move the rest of my things into this apartment. I had sushi the next day with a close friend of mine who knew I was gay but didn't tell her about what my dad told me. I don't go home from university until one of my other siblings is getting married. I'm the youngest of 7, and when my parents got married they each had 3 kids of their own and they together just had me, so there's a pretty big age gap between my siblings and I. So this brother of mine is getting married over thanksgiving weekend in October and I'm stuck with my family in a hotel trying to study for midterms but being forced to do a bunch of wedding stuff because the wedding planner just disappears as usual. That whole weekend just stressed me out, but I still did okay on my midterms. It wasn't until around the end of October where I went home for 2 days because we had a study break from school Thursday/Friday followed by the weekend. My dad asks me that weekend if I can promise him that he'll see me get married to a girl and have a child before he dies and I just agree and brush it off but I know what his intentions were with that comment. So I leave home early and head back to my apartment because I'm not putting up with that kind of bullshit anymore. But it had to manifest into something so I started self harming. Wow cutting yourself in 2016 so edgy. But anyways I literally just couldn't function anymore so I went to a 24 hour crisis centre in my city and just spill all of this information on to one of the counsellors there. I forget her name, but she was an older white woman who was very aware of the fact that she couldn't understand the cultural implications of my situation, but I still wanted to just try and talk it out. I have it in my head that I just need to become a doctor or successful whatever and then tell my family I'm gay and at that point when I'm financially independent they can't touch me. I confide this is one of my friends from high school and he tells me that he cares about me but can't help me from where he is and that I need real help. He also tells 2 of my other best friends from high school about my situation. All of them knew I was gay but they were so genuinely worried about me that I just carried myself on. So the end of my first academic term comes around and one of my best friends calls me telling me she'd overdosed. I was in the library studying for my calculus final so I panic and call somebody else close to her to go get her asap. I don't know how I managed to stay calm and get her help while simultaneously getting the highest mark I've ever gotten on an exam the next day while thinking about one of my friends being in a hospital without me there. I just finish my exams and I don't actually end up seeing her over the winter break. I say break with a grain of salt because it definitely wasn't a break for me. I left my car at my apartment because there wasn't space for it with all my siblings visiting, so I couldn't leave the house for basically 3 weeks. On top of that I didn't have a room to stay in, just a mattress in the basement next to some gym equipment nobody used. My dad tried to make me use it, and came down multiple times a day to tell me I should use it instead of laying around all day. I'm pretty sure that this lack of a break is what really pushed me over, but it was still only December heading into 2017. I was exhausted from finals and wanted to relax, but life didn't award me such luxury. I headed into the second academic term mentally exhausted, still didn't go home at all. I had a chem midterm Friday February 3rd and then a bio and physics midterm Saturday the 11th. Oh, and another one of my close friends tries to overdose in January, once again I'm the first to know about it and I freak out and call her roommate. She gets the help she needs and because she told me so early they flushed her system fast and she was out of hospital a day later. I feel bad that I don't remember exactly what day it was. So after my chemistry midterm that I studied for the entire week, I tell myself that February 4th is going to be a productive day of more studying for my next two midterms. I did absolutely nothing all day and at around 6 or 7 pm I decide I want to die. But I know I'm too much of a bitch to just take the pills, so I drink some vodka and 30 Tylenol 500mg each. I found something online that said how much Tylenol was lethal, and calculated it based on my body weight how many I needed to take. By the time I was taking the pills I'd sobered up and didn't take enough of them for my weight. I bitched out. Thought I'd be fine and I just went to sleep. I woke up the next morning vomiting bile. One of my high school friends snapchats me something funny, but I ignore it and respond to him telling him what I did. We go to the same university, so he's just a bus ride away. Still, his response is just "wtf why did u do that." And when I respond telling him why, he never opens it. So a few more hours go by and I'm going back and forth between my bed and my bathroom every 20'minutes or so until I message one of my friends I've made here at my university. I tell him what I've done and he does the responsible thing of telling his parents who also live in the city and they call an ambulance. At this point I'm so defeated I give them my address and the ambulance shows up. Nobody sees me get taken out of the building. I forgot a phone charger though, and that was just another mistake I made that day. So I get to the nearest hospital and they ask me if I want my emergency contact to be called. It's my mom, and because I'm 18 I decline. I don't want any family to know I'm there. I have blood work done and they put me on an IV. I'm falling behind on schoolwork by the second but I have my phone so I ask my nurse if she has a phone charger. They don't have any laying around the hospital, but she says I should call a friend and have them come see me. I really regret putting my friends through all that stress. They don't deserve it. I call one of my friends who I've known since elementary school. He lives on campus. I tell him I tried overdosing and I can hear him tear up. I feel bad because I hear people around him so I know that must've been embarrassing. He's one of the three friends who in November knew how I was feeling. I guess he tells my other friend from another school who told him about it, and then this friend calls me, also tearing up. I still remember exactly how he sounded on the phone. He calls the last friend from November who knew how I was feeling, and she's also the one who overdosed back in January. She calls me, and as we're talking my phone dies. She didn't cry at all; she was stronger than me. As my phone dies my friend on campus that I called shows up with my other friend that I Snapchatted that morning. I just feel embarrassed at this point. I'm in a stupid hospital robe and I'm just over exposed while laying on a hospital bed in emerg. They're shocked when they walk in. They start of by just acting normal but eventually the conversation just takes a turn and they're concerned for why I didn't talk to them. I always just felt like a burden on people, I always wanted to be self sufficient. That's where my plan of waiting until I'm financially stable came from. I didn't say that to them. I just say I don't know, and at the time I couldn't formulate any reason why so basically I really didn't know. What I knew is that I had friends to cared about me. After they left, my friend who tried to overdose in December took a bus from her different city to come visit me at 1am. I told her not to come but I'm so glad she did. She sat with me and talked to me like a normal human being, and stayed up all night. I fell asleep in my bed but she stayed up all night doing her psychology work, and I woke up in the morning with a note from her that I still keep on my phone case behind my phone to this day. She had to catch her bus back at 7:30 am because she had class that day, but still she came to visit. I see more and more people that day to ask me questions but it took me until Tuesday to see the psychiatry team. I was feeling better emotionally, but physically just gross. I hadn't showered or changed since Friday or Saturday. My facial hair was nasty too. The first person from the team who sees me is an Indian guy. We connect immediately, and he understands my perspective and the significance of my situation. He was only a student doing his residency though. The other three team members were old white women who basically gave me the decision to stay in the hospital for 2 more weeks or call my family for support and to come out to them officially. One of them even had the audacity to even ask me "do you really think they don't know you're gay." That struck a cord, and to this day I still hate that bitch. But Wednesday I called my brother, the one who my dad thinks made me gay, and I tell him what happened. He calls my parents and starts to drive to where I am but he's farther away than they are, so they get to me first. The first thing my dad says to me is that he knew I was at a high risk for this kind of thing. I thought at the time he meant to OD, but soon after I realized it was still the gay thing. I let him talk and tell me all this bullshit, but he just goes on and on about how put all the gays on an island and we'll die off, how it's not in our genes to be gay, and that this was my choice. He also said that I'm the one who chose the program I went into and chose to live off campus. He said all of this was on me. He and my mom came to this hospital to tell me that everything was in my head. I couldn't believe it. Then my parents asked me who else from my hometown knew so they could "deal with it" whatever that means. They asked me who I was having sex with, and that if my guy friends were really just people I was having sex with. It was the most demeaning experience I've ever had in my life. But my brother showed up and shut it down. I don't know how, but he did. We were speaking in Arabic the whole time, and disagreed entirely on just about everything we talked about in that hospital except for the fact that I needed to leave asap. The next day my parents and brother spoke to the psychiatry team and by some stroke of luck got them to lift my form and let me leave. My mom stays with me for the next 3 weeks and psychiatry sets me up an appointment with a professional at the university to talk to for some follow up. In the meantime I've missed a week of class and have to get my midterms moved from the 11th because I left the hospital Thursday afternoon and no way I could write them in less than two days. Walking on to campus the next day with a doctors note saying I was in the hospital was the most embarrassing moment of my life. I was so out of touch with how to interact with people. I walked up to an academic counsellor to ask her what I needed to do to get my exam moved and missed assignments taken care of and she told me to go fill out a form. While I was filling it out she said "maybe you should ask somebody else next time how this works or just look it up online ahead of time." I had almost burst into tears right there in the academic counselling office but I got everything moved to the next week and tried to make things go back to normal but everybody treated me differently. Only one of my new friends I had made new what happened because he's the one who called the ambulance and I had 5 high school friends who knew. My family was still all over the religion thing and how being gay was just wrong and it not even being a religion thing. My sister called me while I was waiting in the hospital for my parents and brother to come but I was still balling my eyes out to the nurse on duty about it so my sister found out and told me that I shouldn't act on it because we all have to do our best to be good Muslims. I just told the new friends I had made in university that I was sick in the hospital, not that I had actually put myself there. I think I might be more open with them after exams are over because I can't put that burden on them while we're stressed about exams and school. I just feel like utter trash. I'm 3/5 of the way done exams and gotten marks back for 2 courses already, and my marks have dropped another 10% from first semester on top of the 10% I dropped between high school and first semester. I need an 80% average to keep my scholarship for next year and I'm pulling it way too close. I'm a part of the orientation program for first year students over the summer and in the fall, as a way to try and do some good for new students and put an emphasis on letting people know about the importance of getting help when you need it. There's so many on campus resources, but I just didn't go to them. I went through a 2 week period where I just felt like trash and missed my second appointment with the specialist on campus, and I got fined 160 bucks for it, and they treated me like absolute trash for it when I went to pay. "You shouldn't skip these appointments," "playing hookie doesn't get you anywhere." I had barely made it out of my bed to class on day that week because I had a presentation to do which I physically and very visibly shook through but I guess the TA felt bad for me because she gave my group 95% on it. So here I am trying to pull myself together at the end of the semester trying to spill my feelings on to my Tumblr blog that I've had for 6 years that nobody reads from. I might add some screenshots of what I vented to my friends just to make sure those never get lost either. If you read this (which I genuinely know is nobody) then I'm sorry I put you through that. To my best friends in this world I love you so much. My last final exam is this Friday night and finishes at 10pm. Hoping to go home to at least see my mom because my dad is visiting family overseas. I wanted to drive home to see him before he left but he just facetimed me for 2 minutes asking me how I'm doing socially. Socially. As in am I fucking anyone behind his back. The answer is definitely no. I get hit on by 60 year old me. On Grindr and anyone I match on tinder either doesn't message me or if I message them we just have a short conversation before they just ignore me entirely. I needed to get this out of my system though. Out into the world somehow. Oh well. Guess it's time to see how my life goes from here. April 24th 2017