#im pmsing leave me alone

[malachitezmeyka]

Okay update I’m no longer just singing the sound of music soundtrack to myself all day instead I am now actively crying over the sound of music

[norrisleclercf1]

I've been annoyed before after a race but I don't think I've ever truly been hurt by this......damn

[eve-youagainpms]

[wenchpop]

ok i can't tell if it's because im pmsing but my roommate has been getting on my last nerve lately their voice annoys me they're so needy i cannot do this anymore I WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE!! IF I DONT TALK TO YOU ITS BECAUSE IM TIRED!! GOD DAMN!!! so ANNOYING!!! URGHRHGHGHHGG LITERALLU CAN U JUST LEAVE ME ALONE I DONT CARE J DONT CARE OH MY GPOOOD I DO NOT CARE STOP TRYING TO RELATE TO ME I DO NOT CARE STOPITSTOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP SO ANNOYINGGGGGGUUUUGGHHHHHHHHHHHH SHUT UP

[texasinnersmile]

my housemate is so so chatty which is nice but im pmsing so hard and need everyone to leave me the fuck alone but she keeps coming and bothering me to tell me uninteresting work drama and idk how to tell her to leave 😭

[romeowsblog]

I keep wondering about what is it exactly i want, why do i keep delying stuff, am i really wasting my chances? I mean none of the chance i got were that impressive so probably not. Its not like i had a choice. But at the same time what am i waitig for? Im terrified of marriage terrified of commitment and what comes after especially if my partner wants children in the future emphasise on children and not just one which is a concept i cant even imagine. What i really want is to leave this town bjt i freak out whenever i think of something happening to my family even though i live with them maybe i should give up and ecccept everything? Maybe its really time to give up and just do whatever people want me to. I mean my parents have been okay with it lately but mmaybe i should just . I dont know i dont k ow i dont. I really want to sleep. Im so tired and im afraid of being forever alone bjt at the same time i dont want to commit to something bad and regret it later i dont want to settle fown for less i dont want to accept thigs just bc i might never get it a better chance. I dont know. I want to feel. ETter and alive and free and happy and loved and this feels so bad now. I keep relapsing and i cant seem to think straight and my confidence levels is throught the floor and i keeps goig lower and lower and i thi k my luck has run out. I feel weird i feel sad i feel a lot feeligs and im afraind i might never get my happiness im afriand of gettj g stuck in this sad and pathetic loop where i suddenly feel happy and the next minute i wanna cry and give up on the world if eel tired and maybe writing this down will help thigs or maybe it will make it worse i want my good days back i want my happiness and hopefulness back i want my luck or faith or anythi g that could help me through this, maybe its the pmsing and maybei should not fast tomorrow but at the same time ive been wasting so much time just waiting and waiti g andiwating and ugh. Im tired take a shot every time you read the word tired huh. U would die of intoxication im terrified of missing up maybe i shouldnt have agreed to go on that dum course maybe i should have left or given up by now mahbe anoth versiom of mme is feeling better maybe it dstole my bette rlife and mmaybe it s happier. And maybe that s hy its going to hell here. Like literally everythig is bad and im hopi g the course gets canceld orr sth

Bc this is ridiculous but who cares

Unless shit goes to hell mothing will chage and ill suffer forever and ifont want to be alone ai want someome who loves me and wants to be with me whih sound hard but maybe bec its hard.

[androidboy]

i know it’s really not funny but it’s also extremely funny trying to imagine what an apartment kitchen would look like if i lived alone. fridge is stocked with meal replacements, water, and sparkling water. pantry? empty. cupboards mostly empty. id buy shit for special occasions or like nonperishable snacks but anyone who comes over can clearly see it’s not used. everything is geared to me being nocturnal. i don’t partake in my out of practice meal i make in but watch them eat just excited about the novelty about participating somewhat in a normal meal

[witchaywoman]

do u ever cry bc having bipolar disorder means that you never trust yourself you only control yourself

[sanchos]

god taketh (spurs) and god taketh (liverpool)

[stars-in-our-skies]

depressive episode cancelled Bob Muyskerm is going to be a dad. everything is good and right in the world

[geeeooorrrge]

biggest pet peeve is people taking ages to reply semi-urgent texts regarding confirmation of plans

[theoldwendi]

About to start PMSing, watching Gilmore Girls and crying a lot. I love them so damn much.

[lars-and-sadie-doyle]

I..... don’t wanna be alone any more

[cum-and-tigs-aftershave]

This may or may not have made me cry :))

Wrong Number Part 3

Part One  ♔    Part Two

(Warning: Mentions of illness and death)

♔♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ 

Sunlight beamed through the crack in the curtain, illuminating the dust particles floating through the air. You groaned and rolled over, pulling the covers of your head. Your phone rung loudly and you groaned again, sitting up and grabbing it. “What?” You growled into the phone, holding  it to your head and running your free hand through your ragged hair. “Goodmorning sunshine!” You heard Julian laugh through the line. You sat back in the bed, your head resting on the pillow and your hair pooling around your head. “Jujuuuuu!” You groaned into the phone, closing your eyes. He laughed again. “Where are you, (y/n)?” He asked cheerily. You looked at the clock next to your bed. 7.36am. “Julian its seven fucking thirty.” You said, playing with your hair. “I know. Where are you?” He asked again. laughter in his voice. You sighed and rolled over, eyeing the hotel room. “Vegas.” You said as you yawned, lifting a hand to your mouth. “Come to Charming.” Julian said through the phone. You rolled your eyes. “Why Juju? You miss me too much?” You purred into the phone as you stood up, and headed to the kitchen, grabbing a mug and making a coffee. “You know i do boo!” He laughed before his tone turned more serious. “No, really. Come home, I uh, I have news.” You paused, spoon full of coffee floating mid air in your hand. “What news, Juju?” You asked, curiosity thick in your voice. “Come here and find out.” He hung up the phone and you pulled it from your ear, frowning at the screen. You dumped the spoonful of coffee in your cup and added boiling water, stirring as you sent a text to Julian. Fuck you, ju. You hit send and leant against the bench, raising the strong coffee to your lips in both hands. You heard your phone go off and you looked down at the screen, rolling your eyes at the message from Julian. See you soon boo. You sighed and placed your coffee on the counter, heading for the shower.

♔

Six weeks had passed since you’d left Charming and thoughts of Happy still played on your mind.You had stayed in the small town another week after you met Happy, staying with him every night, fucking like rabbits. But it was a morning when you woke up and he wasn’t next to you that you realised you were falling for him. You had packed your bags and left, leaving only a lipstick stain on his mirror to remember you by. You didn’t do feelings, you didn’t do love. You didn’t want anyone holding you down and the thought of falling in love with Happy scared you. You really liked him, he was sweet, he was caring, loyal. He was hot as hell and he made you moan like no one else ever had. But you had always been independant. You were a tornado, ripping through every town you visited, wrecking havoc and moving to the next town, leaving burning ashes in your trail. You didn’t know how to love, and Happy deserved to be.. well, happy. You couldn’t give him that, you couldn’t give him a stable life. You knew you could be loyal, but you weren’t what he needed. He needed someone to ground him, and how could you, when your wings carried you every where you went. But it didn’t matter how many strangers you slept with, how much tequila you drank. Everyone you slept with left you feeling empty, because they weren’t his hands on you, weren’t his lips. It wasn’t his voice or his eyes and you knew you were fucked. He was on your mind constantly, and you found yourself missing him when you lay awake at night. You were in love with him, hopelessly in love with the Tacoma Killer. And you’d left him, not knowing what else to do.

♔

Two days later you walked into the bar on the end of Main St, Charming. Julian sat at the bar with his back to you, and you snuck up behind him, covering his eyes with your hands. “Guess who, mother fucker.” You said in a low, gruff voice. He laughed and you moved your hands, letting him see you. He turned and hugged you, a grin on his face. “Lookin good, (y/n)” He smiled at you. “I know.” You winked and sat down on the stool next to him and ordered your tequila. “So whats the news too important to share on the phone?” You asked, raising an eyebrow and thanking the bartender as he passed you your drink. His face fell, and you furrowed your brows, a frown forming on your face. “Juju, what is it?” You asked, your voice quiet and serious now. He sighed and looked at his hands, a sad look crossing his face. You put your hand on his knee, squeezing gently. He looked up at you, his eyes filled with pain. “Im sick,(y/n)” His voice was sad and quiet. “Glioblastoma multiforme, i have a brain tumor.” Your heart stopped and you froze, staring at your friend. “What?” You breathed, tears stinging your eyes. “Its stage 5. I.. I don’t have much time.” His voice cracked as he looked at you and you stood wrapping your arms around him. “Juju.” You said, your voice full of pain as you hugged your best friend, your only friend, really. He hugged you back, squeezing your body to his tightly. You ran your hands through his hair, tears falling down your face.

♔

The door slammed shut behind you and you threw your bag to the floor, sobs taking over your body and you fell to your knees. Your best friend was dying. You didn’t have many friends, the way you lived, moving from town to town every few weeks never really gave you the chance to build those bonds. It had never bothered you, but your loneliness washed over you as you sat on the floor, tears streaming down your face. Julian was your only constant, the only person in your life who had stayed a part of it. You had grown up with him, partied with him, he knew you better than anyone else. He was your rock and whenever times got tough, and you had moved on from the last town, Julian was the person you called, the person you came to. And now, you would lose him. He had told you that the doctors had said there weren’t any treatment options, he was too far gone and he should live his last days as full as he can. You had seen the pain in his eyes, the fear. He was never scared of anything but now he stared down the barrel of a gun, waiting for the trigger to be pulled at any moment. You vowed to stay in Charming, you would stay with him for as long as he needed, as long as he had.

♔

The air was warm as the sun began to set, and you walked into the lot, a gentle breeze running through your hair. You felt nervous and scared, what if he didn’t want to see you? You weren’t used to feeling nervous and you could of hated him for doing this to you. Only you didn’t hate him, you loved him. The lot was empty, except for the line of bikes and you walked to the clubhouse door, taking a deep breath as you pulled it open. The familiar smell hit you instantly, along with the song of old rock ballads and laughter. You walked in slowly, taking in the scent and the sounds, eyeing the room. Tig saw you first and he grinned, standing up and running to you. He threw his arms around you and you smiled, breathing in the scent of leather that had drowned you for the last six weeks. “Hey beautiful! Long time no see, doll.” He grinned at you, his eyes running over your body. “Hey Tiggy.” You smile at him. You had become close with him over your short stay in Charming. You got on like a house on fire, making dirty jokes and laughing together. His arm swung over your shoulder and you walked with him to the bar, the rest of the club welcoming you with smiles. Happy wasn’t there, and you didn’t know whether to be relieved or dissapointed. Chucky passed you a tequila before you could ask and you smiled at him, truly thankful. The club had welcomed you and it was everything you needed right now. You sat and talked to the boys, laughing with them for a while. Juice turned to young spoke lowly. “He misses you.” He looked at you, his knowing eyes burning into yours and you nodded, a sad smile on your face. Juice squeezed your knee and stood, heading to the bathroom. The front doors opened and in he walked, dangerous and sexy, signature toothpick in his mouth. A blond man with short spiky hair was behind him but your eyes stayed focused on Happy. He walked towards the bar, not noticing you yet. His eyes looked over his brothers and soon fell on you, making him freeze midstep. His face hardened and you gulped, your earlier nerves coming back. You stood and walked towards him, the room falling quiet as the brothers watched the two of you. His dark eyes swallowed you and you stood shakily before him, his jaw clenching. “Can we talk?” Your voice was quiet and weak, and you cursed yourself silently. He nodded and grabbed your wrist, pulling you outside.

♔

The door shut behind you and Happy sat on the picnic table, elbows on his knees as he twirled his toothpick across his lips. You sighed and walked closer, sitting down next to him. You stared down at your lap, playing with your hands nervously. This wasn’t like you. You weren’t sure what was happening to you. You were always confident, always pulling every ones attention to you and you bathed in it, loving every second. But here you sat, staring into your lap, unable to look at him. “Im sorry.” You finally said, breaking the silence. He turned to you, his dark eyes burning through your soul. “Why? Why did you leave?” His voice was low and raspy, just like you remembered. “I.. I dunno, Hap. Im not good at..This.” You gestured between the two of you. “I don’t do this. I don’t know what Im doing. I had to go.” Happy stared at you, his toothpick twirling between his lips. “I didn’t know what to do.” Your voice was quiet and you saw his face softened. “Why are you back?” His voice was quiet and his eyes ran over you, taking in every inch. Tears stung your eyes and you blinked to hold them back. Your mouth tried to form words but nothing came out and your body shook as you began to cry. Happy looked at you, alarmed and wrapped an arm around you. You leant into his chest, drowning yourself in him as you cried. His fingers ran through your hair, comforting you. You looked up at him and he saw the pain in your eyes, the loneliness from all your years on the road catching up to you. “Hes dying, Hap.” You whispered, as more tears streamed down your face. You had bought Julian to the clubhouse last time you were here and Happy knew who you meant. He knew he was your best friend and he knew how much Julian cared for you. Julian had made him promise to protect you, and the pain that you were feeling ripped through him. “Come here,” Happy said, pulling you into his lap. You wrapped your arms around him, burying your face in his neck. “Its okay, baby girl. Its okay.” He cooed at you as you sobbed, his fingers tracing around your back. You pulled your head back and looked into his eyes. “Im sorry i left, Happy. I.. I think I l-love you. I didn’t k-know what to d-do.” You whispered. He stared deep into your eyes, like he was searching through your soul. “I know. I think i love you, too.” He whispered, his eyes softening.

♔

You had always hated the smell of hospitals, and now you hated it even more. Your hand clutched around a bouquet of flowers as you walked down the corridor. Sadness surrounded you but you forced a smile onto your face as you opened the door and walked into the room. “(y/n)” Julian smiled at you, his voice was quiet and weak. “Hey Juju.” You smiled back at him, moving slowly and sliding into the chair next to his bed. You lay the flowers on the table and reached for his hands, your eyes studying his face. His skin was pale, his eyes empty and he looked tired. You fought back tears as you looked at your friend. Four months had passed since you’d arrived back in Charming and his health had been deteriorating rapidly. You spent all your time with him, Happy would drive you to see him and he’d even sit with you both, knowing how much he meant to you. Things with Happy were good, you were even dating. You didn’t know how to be a girlfriend but that didn’t really matter, because Happy didn’t know how to be a boyfriend. But you loved each other, and you made each other happy so you spent most of your time together getting drunk, smoking weed, watching cartoons, and fucking. It worked for you. You had never stayed in one town this long, but you kept your promise, visiting Julian daily and doing whatever he needed you to do. “Promise me something?” Julian asked, rubbing his thumb across your hand. “Anything.” You smiled at him, squeezing his hand. “Promise me you won’t let them play Nickelback at my funeral.” You laughed, throwing your head back, trying to stop the tears from flowing. Julian grinned at you and you met his eye. “Promise me you’ll stay here.” His voice went serious and you couldn’t stop the tears. They slid down your cheeks as you nodded. “Promise me you’ll stay in Charming, with Happy. You deserve to be loved, boo. Promise me you’ll stop running.” “I promise.” You said, a sad smile on your face as tears flowed down your cheeks. “And (y/n)?” Julian asked. “I wasn’t kidding about Nickelback, I will haunt you if you play them at my funeral.” He grinned,  his playful spark in his eyes and you laughed.

♔

A year after Julian passed you sat on the floor of Happys dorm, in only your panties and his Samcro tshirt, his crow tattooed proudly across your thigh. Happy walked into the room, smiling down at you. “Whatcha doing, mami?” He asked you, his voice thick with love. He knelt on the floor next to you, his head resting on your shoulders as you flicked through old photos. His hands reached around you and he laid his hand on your bulging belly, stroking it gently. You kissed his cheek before looking back at the photos of when you were wild and carefree laughing at a bar next to Julian.. “Your beautiful.” He whispered in your ear and you smiled, leaning into him. “I love you, Happy.” You said. “I love you too, (y/n). And i love you, Julian, my son.” Happy said, his hand strong your belly gently. You smiled widely, surrounded by love for your little family.

♔♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ ♔ 

Masterlist

[zeamusic-blog1]

3:01 am 31/05/19

i almost killed myself 3 days ago. or almost tried to at least. i also relapsed and self-harmed again for the first time in almost a year i think. well idk if you can call it self-harm, i just scratch myself as hard as i can all over my arms. doesn’t draw a lot of blood but it does leave marks for a few days. i just like how my arms literally burn afterwards and they go all red and there are welts for a few hours. it feels good. im not sure what triggered it. everything had been irritating me and getting on my nerves for the past 2 weeks, probably bc i was PMSing, but it got so dark and so deep 3 days ago. i think bc it was his birthday the day before and it just made me remember everything that happened with him. and it just made me realise that he probably has not thought of me at all in the last 2 months at least. people forget me a lot easier than i forget them. i care way more about people than they care about me. and i spent a full 6 minutes in front of the mirror that day, crying and repeating to myself “i deserve better” i deserve fucking better bc i do, i deserve the whole world. but then why does everyone leave so easily. no fight or argument, they just exit my life. like a, s, s, r, d, m, a, i, a, e, all just left me in their past. replaced me with someone else. if it’s that easy then do i really mean anything at all? surely if i was significant it wouldn’t be so simple for so many people to leave me and forget me. whilst i’m left reminiscing every day, wondering what i did so wrong and what could’ve been if i’d done something differently. i never want to have any regrets bc what’s happened has happened. but lately, i regret everything. i dont know where to start or where to end or how to sit with myself. i hate being alone. i cant be by myself, thats when everything starts going downhill. i hate how i always need someone to make me feel complete. i wish i could give all the love i want to give to someone else, to myself and be okay with just myself. but i cant. when im alone i just get in my head and then try and kill myself apparently. i was high as fuck that night and took a knife to cut open a box and i just looked down at it in my head, so light and easy, and it just struck me how fucking easy it would be to just press the blade to my wrist and drag vertically and let it do its work. but the tiny rational part of my brain was terrified at the thought and so i never got to that point. i just pressed the knife to the corner of my palm and dragged down over and over. but i must not have been pressing that hard bc i didnt cut into muscle, just split the first few layers of skin. i’ve always been averse to cutting and i guess it was my subconscious preventing me of committing it in that moment. but i came so close to drawing blood and that terrified me. the real, serious thoughts i had of just cutting open my wrists or stabbing my jugular or getting the box of paracetamol and just taking all 40 pills in there, they terrified me and i had the first ever paranoia i ever felt whilst high. the 2 days following that were just as bad, although i didnt pick up a knife or pills. just sat in my room crying for most of the day, if not the whole day. today was okay. i didnt cry until half an hour ago when i reinstalled snapchat and saw m and y had messaged me to make sure i was okay. i know there are people who care but at the same time, there’s this voice constantly saying that they don’t really care and they definitely dont care the same way you care about them. and i find myself listening to that voice a lot more nowadays. all the same, i want to talk to them. i want to reach out and ask for help and just tell someone who cares, even if just a tiny but, whats been going on and how scared and fucking miserable i am. but i just couldn’t bring myself to. i didnt want to face the disappointment of not getting the reaction i want, which i dont even fucking know what reaction i want. i also just dont want to burden them. i know they have their own shit going on and i dont want to add to that and make it worse. i just have no one to speak to at this point and i’ve never felt as alone as i have this whole week. its been really shitty, to say the least. i guess thats why i wrote this. i just had to get it out somehow and i couldnt tell people in my life so here it goes forever into the interweb. nobody’s going to read this anyway, who’s going to click on my tumblr. so i guess it’s alright. just a place for me to get my thoughts out and hopefully find a better, healthier way to cope with all this. i love you and you deserve better okay. you will be okay. help yourself. please.

[sweetestsugar1996]

ive gotta stop using my menstal cycle as an excuse for my moods and emotions cause you can really be PMSing and then on your period and then ovualting and thats the reason im crying or lethargic but tbh theres def more to it. 

i found myself crying after orgasm or even after sex w my bf or even alone masturbating pretty frequently. i would say its about 50-60% of the time. and i cry randomly other times too, and i can never pinpoint just why except for an overall feeling of loneliness or release. 

my bf is amazing and i think thats why im comfortable enough with him to let my emotions go but at the same time it frustrates me and i dont wanna be a burden/downer but i have a hard time regulating it. my overall mood is pretty positive but these waves come over me. 

its coming up on the 1 yr of my brothers death too. and retiring from in person work leaves me in this dreadful identity crisis and feeling unworthy and not knowing how to identify myself. im trying to shake that. i wish work wasnt so deeply tied to my identity.