romeowsblog

[romeowsblog]

Sex might be cool but have you ever said a joke under your breath and everyone in the room laughed like you were the best comedian out there

[romeowsblog]

I had a dream i was cutting basil because i wanted to make some pesto and i spent the dream cutting basil leaves and puting them into a jar. Then before i woke up ibwas cutting bell peppers for salad

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Dreamt i was in my room sleeping maybe and then the living room outside mine is filled with starnge people mostly women i think and some men too. I go near the kitchen a get stand for someone who looking to buy a hair tie. It takes me somw time but i find it, then my aunt fid cimes and ask for a hair tie too and i get her one with her is my cousin isr and she asks how much the rings are and i tell her its 5 knowing very well they are 10, she gets the ring and pays. Then im looking through a drawer for my " college library books" and i go to the library and find only study stuff. Then im at home in my room again and there is a big group of people outside, and there is a zombie apocalypse approaching but the zombie are still far away and i decide to change my red dress but halfway through changing i realize there are two (3?) Guys hiding in the corner watching me and i yell at them and then i hear something about the zombies approaching the hospital and i started yelli orders but my voice box is gone and nobdy is listening, i get a microphone but it doesnt work,, its full of dust and creaking and so i get another girl to start yellig the order but because my voice keeps going out i get more people to yell with me until they are doing is yelling and not hearing so i shut them up, and tell one dude who i know his voice is loud to yells the exact instructions then go to make sure everything is okay, and ensure the closing of the door and gates and while im doing that a huge geoup of approach followed by one zombie and i help them to get inside and then try to climb after them but i feel paralysed and cant so i ask them to help but they just atand and watch so eventually i jumpthem, "you know, i could have jumped, or done a somersault byt i just wanted to test you and now i know, so come with me" i ensure the clos8ng of the gates and they follow me and i start walkig through this complex living complex, i go through windows and get out through doors, i lean and kneel and crawl to get places and then i get to a fridge (all while giving them instructions about me being the leader and things i would kill them for like wasting resources like water and food and im in the midst of telling them that if i catch someone eating something tthsy werent assigned that i woll kill them, so i open a fridge door and take a banana and bite into it and then take a milk shake or something while still doing the tour. I think im alerted of another group or of zombies or something when i finally wake up

[romeowsblog]

The reason i cried that day and why it didn't stop .

I was on my way to pick up my brother, since my dad was busy so i offered, my mom wanted to visit her mother so i told her i will drive you there after i pick him up - two good things. I was doing good things, or at least i wanted to.

The next thing, an accident! A tractor hits the side of my car. Im shocked of course, i call my dad, im embarrassed, i try to hide it, im angry, i do nothing about it. - the car will take a week to fix , im told. Im frustrated. We get home, i decide to clean the stairs to do anything jist to get my mind off things. Im thankful for my dads support and sure things will be okay. I text my dad to ask what happened. My brother gets home with my car, he tells me they fixed it temporarily with a screw until they get the parts needed. Im frustrated even more because ibhave woork and i have to drive to uni and i dont know what im gonna do now and this is really not the right time, why me.

My dad calls me to explain the situation, he tells me they wont fix it until monday, and that i can drive to work with it in this state. I argue that it could be dangerous and that its okay, i can take a taxi until it's fixed. I fet yelled at for supposedly yelling and not speaking properly, i shut up after an "okay, you do what you think is good" because arguments and opinions are not allowed in this house.

I try to distract myself with a tv show and it works, until my dad gets home, he starts by yelling at me again and saying how he didn't like the way i spoke to him, i try to explain how i dont think driving to work would be the smartest idea and that it should be fixed asap even if it means me taking a taxi- i get yelled again because "do you see how you are yelling? Are you seeing yourself right now."

I shut up because i already feel dumb and hideous and every terrible feeling since this week has been hell already before all this shit and i have already been in so much mental and physical pain that i told no one about. My tears betray me. My parents stare at me as if im stupid. I shout "yes im crying "

"Why are you crying?"

" because i feel. Stupid, i have no idea what is going on and youre just yelling am i not allowed to cry"

"No, crying makes you weak, be strong. Why do you cry every time someone disagrees with you" (false i cry when he screams at me and i feel too weak to reply)

"I think i havent cried in front of any strangers, im allowed to cry at home, where else would i cry if not at home."

"Stop crying "

"Okay " i try and fail

My parents start talking about plans for tomorrow's lunch, im desperately craving a hug, soft words , qny type of comfort although i already know it wont come. Im the one who always comforts never the one being comforted. No matter the situation.

Dad turns to leave , i yell after him " at least dont go while youre angry at me"

"Im not angry, why would i be angry" he shouts again.

"Im just really frustrated and i know the accident is not my fault and i know i dont understand cars but id really like to understand "

Id also really like a hug but i think id pass out if i actually said these word out loud.

Dad leaves, mom acts as of nothing happened. I go to my room and cry , nobody checks on me, nobody asks, its ok. Im used to this but it still hurts. The next day my family acts as if nothing happened and at first its difficult but then i try to do the same. The third day im in pain, physical pain that is unrelated, so i refuse to go somewhere with me and i get yelled at because "we didnt always have cars, every time something happens to your car you treat us like its our fault" and "look at yourself in the mirror"

And im just so tired. Would it be too much to ask for someone who genuinely cares about me and will hug me when im sad without judging? I face so many tiring things daily things i really want to vent and speak about with someone but then i realise there is no one who would listen to me and genuinely care and will not end it with a lecture or cut to their own story and jist ignore me. I want to talk about my life but theres really no one to talk about t with.

[romeowsblog]

Leave it to my family to nake me feel stupid for crying when something is really upsetting me

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My mom woke me up while i was dozing off just to show me a video of a woman getting stabbed 26 times by her husband / *almost ex-husband* and now i dont know if i will ever be able to fall asleep again

[romeowsblog]

Random thought that may not translate well but i feel like maybe i need to experience another life-threatening moment so i can stay on track

[romeowsblog]

Came home to find my bedroom window open. It's just a little but i know it wasnt open before. In fact it was slammed shut. I feel violated i dont know if someone got inside of if they just opened the window. But i hate hate hate this

I wish i could change stuff i wish this could end already

[romeowsblog]

Had a strange dream but in the dream there was a vibe that i was happy and taken and then i get actually a little bit of cute romance and then im woken up by my alarm only then ti realize who i had dream of falling in love with

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.

Im actually so happy that i am single and have no one to waste my time or feelings on im really enjoying being alone and not having to worry about how cute i look all the time or worrying that my body is not that great or appealing to a certain person. Im also happy that i can get emotionally attached to a random guy and them forget about him within two weeks, i like throwing my feelings and riding them out until im done and then moving on to another crush and riding it out instead of just havi one boring human to hang all my feelings on. This way i dont expect much and dont get disappointed when nothing comes of it. This way i dont go to bed crying because this certain person said a word i didnt like or hinted at something that hurt me, thos way i can stay in my own bubble and not worry about another family gettig tangled in my business this way i dont have to worry about the money beig saved for my future this way i can think about my deathw tihout the consequences affecting another person who tied their life to mine

[romeowsblog]

my mom keeps telling me how sad it makes her feel that she cant vent to her mother or her sisters because it feels like they wont respect her feelings or even use the info against her,,, so i always try to listen and be there for her but it really really hurts having to hold all that in when i cant even tell her the simplest of stuff because she will react so dramatically and makes everything seem ten times worse instead of making it feel better i wish i=oh god i wish she would reflect on how she feels and try to be better or me but i dont think she ever thinks stuff like that. i once tried to tell her how growing up with both my parents suffering financialy as the oldest child with two siblings who were mostly in and out of the hospital made me feel like a burden and made me feel like i cant not afford anything ever, even now that i have a job and money (a little amount but stilll enough) that i still feel like things are too expensive for me and she made me feeel even more guilty because its silly and i shouldnt feel like that and i couldnt even tell her that its not an easy thing to unlearn now ,,, there are so so so many things i want to tell her i want to cry in her arms and tell her about my struggles but it never feels right or appropriate it always feels like i have to go through this world alone and just keep things in until i die on other news yesterday in my dreams i died and the only thing i thought after "oh no id ont want to die" is "oh maybe i will meet my cat" so thats another thing i would tell my therapist if i had one anyway gn

[romeowsblog]

Yes!!!! Thank you i didnt think i would actually find it so thanks

Anyone has any idea about the prinxiety fic where roman and virgil are soulmatee but virgil is dead snd patton and logan are angels or reapers who have accidentally killed virgil but they help bring back him to life ? I read it long ago but cant remember the name and been wanting to reread it. It was on ao3 but i dont know by who

[romeowsblog]

Welp. At least i tried really hard this time

I still failed but at least i tried. 15 days left to the new years and im going to do it and go into it clean and sober even if it actually kills me

[romeowsblog]

Guess who caught a cold

[romeowsblog]

Oh snap i guess it is a flashback sort of day.

[romeowsblog]

God i miss my cat so so so muchhh.... i want him back. I need him back. Every time i think aboht him i feel like crying. I miss him. Is he even still alive????? Please let the answer be yes please god because i dont think i will be able to make it without him,, please brig him back home i will do anything and everything so please

[romeowsblog]

Had a nice dream where i was learning German and i met this really nice and attractive doctor guy and was having really good time talking to him until i realized he was 8 years younger than me and woke up in cold sweat and if that doesnt explain my mental state at the moment i dont know what does