#im on mobile so im sorry for the length

[a-scary-lack-of-common-sense]

HI i’m personally a crutch user and i love scout with crutches but consider

pyro or engie crutch user(s)

im a big enjoyer of my comfort characters being just like me i hope this is ok 👍

Pyro or Engie crutch users? ❌️

Pyro AND Engie crutch users ✅️

Hopefully these cane personalisations don't look too weird?? I have no idea where I was going with Pyro tbh, I think I was trying to make it a mini lighter but kinda failed miserably :')

Edit: FUCK, YOU SAID CRUTCH NOT CANE I'M SO SORRY I GOT IT MIXED UP

[monkayy]

Me the last few months

[counterattacker]

goddamnit i wanna get the lfrith ur and thorn kits because sophie & norea are my beloved little guys and they don't have figures so their mobile suits are the next best thing but the thorn looks so fucking STUPID (AFFECTIONATE) (DEROGATORY)

WHAT IS THISSSSSSSSSS

[lostlosersclub]

So. Nico Di Angelo HCs :>

ANSBDJDJJ GLADLY!!

be prepared for so much projection

ok so:

• nico is trans, and came out to bianca during the lotus casino. she helped him cut his hair afterwards

• he is also autistic and had a special interest in mythomagic for a long time

• part of why hes not great at interacting with others is the autism

• oh right just bc i say so he also has ocd, ptsd, anxiety, panic disorder, and depression

• hades was always very accepting. i just feel like he would give nico a binder while he was on his own

• binds for way too long. will (who is also trans btw) lectures him on binder safety daily

• he is also physically disabled from his powers. i hc him as using mobility aids. i also hc him as having a hellhound service dog when hes older

• he is often described as twisting his skull ring in the books, so i say that its him fidgeting and stimming discreetly

• favorite fruit is pomegranate

• had an especially hard time grasping the fact that hes gay because he felt guilty for being trans

• when he was outed, cupid also outed him as trans. when jason was the only one who knew, jason would pull him aside to check that he was binding safely

• listens to emo music but less like mcr and stuff hes more of a midwest emo listener

• always wears tons of jewelry like rings and necklaces because he likes fidgeting with them

• wears headphones around his neck for sensory issues, but also to block out the voices of the dead

• has very light freckles and a mole right under his right eye

• goes nonverbal when super stressed out and is prone to panic attacks

• get sunburnt very easily

• lets his hair grow out a bit to around shoulder length once he’s older

• got his ears pierced when he was little, and kept them in to this day

• got more piercings as he got older

• got a star tattoo to match will

sorry this is so long im very passionate about my boy

[emeraldxphoenix]

It’s sweet the way Alex’s face lights up at their words, as if she still lives for every drop of approval that drips from their tongue. Maybe she does. But then that grin turns coy, and fingertips begin to walk up their chest, and Loki’s smirk turns positively wicked. “Hmmm, I don’t think so, but you’re more than welcome to try…”

With a wink, and all the willpower they have available, the god leans over to press a kiss to Alex’s cheek and then rolls themselves out of bed and up into a sitting position. Bare feet hit the carpet, just as a dark green silk robe materialises into existence around their body – it wouldn’t do to be caught walking around naked if their son turns up early. (Not again.) One hand reaches out, palm upwards, and a similar black robe shimmers into existence, neatly folded on pale skin. Loki offers it to their lover. “...or you can come downstairs and see for yourself.”

A little birthday something for @wildcxrds continued from here

A smirk, half at the situation, half at the cute little eyebrow wiggle Alex offers them. Does she know they know it’s her birthday? Hard to tell. Jacob had told them a few weeks back, had explained the normal celebration of Midgardian anniversaries of birth and hinted, pretty unsubtly, that his mother would appreciate the day being recognised. And when has Loki ever been one to disappoint when it comes to gift-giving?

“Now that would be telling, my little witch.” An elegant finger fondly curls a lock of her hair around it. “And telling would mean it isn’t a surprise.”

[stormflyblue]

can u tell us more about my magical girl au? I love hearing about aus like that lol

SCREAMS!! YES!!! sorry that it took so long to respond to this, i had to write a lot and im answering on mobile where i cant type as fast!! (also apologizes for my grammar in this, i was in a silly mood) prepare for the massive info dump under the cut!!!

okay anyways! the “magical girls” are wxs (bc im biased for them) and their theme would be “sweets” and “deserts.” their outfits are based around the fluffy dreamland set + other cards that i think suit them. (ex: nene messenger of feelings combined with her afterparty with fireworks(mermaid nene)) but emu is only based off of her smile of a dreamer card bc she’s the goat and it’s her focus. she’s sort of the leader of the magical girls (sorry tsukasa!! youre my favorite but ur not the leader for this au!! i have a lot of plans for you though >:3)

HOWEVER bc rui and tsukasa dont have clear full body outfits in that set im thinking of basing their outfits on different sets. tsukasa is the most clear for me, because he’s going to be an combination of his backstage encouragement card (lilykasa) and his an unexpected classmate card. i dont have any ideas for rui but i want him to be based on a lim card of his so his hair can change during the transformation ueueueuwuuwe (；′⌒`) .

since their theme is around sweets im thinking of naming their “charm” or those things that give magical girls power “___ candy” emu’s would be “sweet candy” since she’s the leader. nene’s would be “mermaid candy”. tsukasa would be “star candy” and rui’s would be “robo candy” or “thunder candy” (IM SORRY RUI I AM NOT TREATING YOU RIGHT IN BUILDING THIS AU 🙏) the names before ‘candy’ is either based off of their cards (nene) or their overall personality or actual theme (tsukasa, rui)

the order of who turns into a magical girl would be emu -> nene -> rui -> tsukasa. emu was the first to recieve her powers and has been fighting against “evil” for a good length of time. maybe around 4-6 months. because of this she is somewhat popular around japan and on the internet. everyone has at least heard of her if theyve stayed up with the latest trends. (saki is a MASSIVE fan of her’s).

nene recieves her candy during a particularly difficult fight she witnesses emu having. (here). in this au nene is more pessimistic that gets resolved soon when she gets to know emu more. the reason she knows emu’s identity in the comic i made is because she soon realized it after emu said something eeriely similar to her magic girl persona. she then confirms it during the battle and as she realizes the reason for why emu fights, she is determined to reciprocate those feelings to her. thus, she recieves her candy.

tsukasa and rui im not sure yet but i want it to be an accidental encounter. maybe during a show they have an enemy appears and they have to fight, thus leading tsukasa and rui to find out their identity. im still not sure how to make the enounter different for tsukasa and rui since i want there to be at least some time for nene and tsukasa to get popular on emu’s level (or at least close to it).

the “big bad” that magical wxs is fighting is called project DULL. it’s…nightcord… yeah. the enemies are n25. they have tragic backstories and i really want to see them snap at someone sooo /lh. haha! no actually though i want n25 to have another secret persona that NO ONE knows the identity to. even themselves. they work together but they have no idea of the real person theyre working with. yes, they still in n25 together working on songs but they also work together as the main “villains” (wink wink. nudge nudge ;3). a few times one or more of them come to their nightly vcs more tired than usual and theyre suspious but brush it off thinking “oh they must have had a more exhausting day than usual, i wont pry but i’ll tell them to take care of themselves!”

virtual singers and sekais still do exist in this au by the way! im also thinking of making each group into a villain fighting group but i have no idea where to start with that and i think my brain would implode trying to think of all of their lore in one go soo no mention of them here lolol.

project DULL wants to reset the world to a state where everything is neutral. no positive emotions, no negative emotions. no sicknesses either! the main reason they oppose magical wxs is bc n25’s “neutral” is tasteless (or at least that how i think) and wxs is based around sweetness and the different flavors of everything.

there are many other things i want to explain about project DULL and others associated with them but that would be spoliers and it would ruin the surpise!!! one last thing about them is that theyre based off their imprisoned marionette set and wear masks. (WINK WINK. NUDGE NUDGE)

this is all that i can think of right now. if i have any more information i want to dump i’ll just reblog. sorry if it’s a lot!! thank you so much for asking!!! <333

[penguinwithafancytophat]

VEEVA DASH IS SAMURI?!?! NOT CLICKBAIT

sorry for minecraft posting on main but this is important

Veeva dash’s design has baffled hundreds upon hundreds of fans because pixels are hard to decipher. 

So i challenged myself to accurately figure out what the heck the skin is 

I looked up her skin and She's apparently a samurai

im white and i know nothing about ancient japanese culture

SO I CHANGED THAT!!

deep dive under the cut

if i got anything wrong please tell me!

Let's start with what's traditionally worn under the armor. 

fundoshi

It looks like underpants because it is. It's mens underwear. It's a loincloth that wraps around the hips. 

hitatare 

This was a samurai’s everyday clothing, chosen for comfort. The sleeves have draw strings to tie them up as needed.

The hakama 

Most hakama are like those super flowy pants that people think are dresses but then you separate your legs and SHOCK!! THEY'RE PANTS!!

Most sources I've seen, however, show samurai hakama being about knee length or being tied off near the knees.  (i haven't read anything confirming this though)

the hitatare is tucked inside the hakama

Tabi

These are socks with a separation between the big toe and rest of toes

Let's move on to the armor and how to “un-westernize” it

Suneate (Shin guards)

Samurai did not wear boots or iron plated armor. They wore shoes and shin guards.

These are made of metal and then lined with leather on the inside for comfort! 

Kyahan

can be worn under suneate for super maximum comfort. 

Haidate

is thigh protection. It's not one solid sheet of metal and leather but it is made of many strips that are tied together for mobility. It is tied around the waist like an apron.

do aka the chest armor.  

Do is made with many strips of leather and metal tied together like the haidate. 

Do always has shoulder straps, unlike western armor, for more mobility

I have made a diagram

It can also be hinged like this 

But you gotta keep the shoulder straps, you can't get rid of those. 

In these diagrams I have omitted the kusazuri, which is attached to the bottom of the do. 

Kusazuri

This is a danger skirt. They protect the hips, butt, and crotch. It's made similarly to the haidate and do. I have seen veeva’s kusazuri be confused as crotch armor.

The guruwa and nadowa 

protect the neck 

This is not required. 

Sode (shoulder armor)

It's made in the same fashion as do. 

Kote

It covers only some of the hand because, if you haven't noticed, the samurai froth at the mouth for that sweet sweet mobility. 

Kabuto (helmet) 

These are made with strips of metal or leather all meeting in the center. This dome is called the hachi. 

^^isolated hachi

There is very often a Mabizashi (a visor/brim) to protect the eyes 

Shikoro is the name of the suspended neck guard, produced similarly to do for that delicious mobility. 

The datemono or tatemono is a crest placed on the front of the kabuto 

Veeva Dash's datemono appears to be a star or sun. 

These are the closest images i could find to what it appears she has

Extra details!!

This can either be a tassel/flag hung from the Kasa jirushi no kan (a small ring on the back of the helmet for the aforementioned flag) or a ponytail fed through the Tehen (a hole for ventilation or to possibly put one's top knot through? Sources were conflicted)

Armor is traditionally put on in a certain order 

playlist with more info (for funsies)

[starlightingsss]

sparks fly / 2

wildest dreams. 3

kinda hating how i wrote the relationship between haymitch and reader ☹️

u guys i js realized but when im typing on mobile my capitalization is inconsistent n some paragraphs have capitalize first lettters and some dont 😭 sorry

129. she had waved and blown kisses at 129 people so far, making eye contact and reaching her hand into theirs. everything had gone by so fast, she was holding onto haymitch as they got off the train, holding onto his arm.

the crowds had gone wild once they saw, haymitch himself slightly opposed to the public display but unable to shake the woman off his arm.

she loved it, loved having everyones eyes on her. loved the attention, loved the fame. it took forever to get to the stylist cars - much to haymitch and her district partner's annoyance.

haymitch had been careful to make sure not to show any favoritism to the girl, made sure he didn't get attached. he wanted her to survive, and he didn't want to break the poor girls spirit, but still - he didn't think she could live, tributes don't usually care for beauty and it wouldn't get her allies. she would have to prove she was smart, or strong, or anything that might be considered valuable in the arena.

as she and her district partner boarded separate cars, he went onto his own car - one for mentors.

in that car, she was with 4 people. one woman with gold braided into her hair, contrasting against her dark skin, with bright pink makeup and a bright blue dress - weird contrasts but still stunning on her and her skintone. this was her stylist, allium everstar. she had seen the woman on tv many times, as she was always assigned to district 12. the other 3 looked quite bizarre, a woman with fairy wings instead of ears, a man wearing a crop top and ankle length dress with dyed body hair and purple skin, and another woman whos hair was insanely long; split into 2 pigtails wrapping around her ankles, her skin was paper white and she seemed to be drawn in black and white, except for the gigantic golden necklace wrapped around her neck.

she heard them whispering among themselves, "this one is different ... unique! look at those eyes!", the man excitedly squealed to his team members.

she heard other fragments of conversation, little "she looks so different from them.. she could be a capitol girl!", "can't wait to see her all styled up..", "she would be gorgeous if she was pink!"

she looked out the window, still seeing people lined at the streets and waving at her, until they turned into a parking garage.

they all exited the car with peacekeepers joining them and leading them down the elevator.

she was getting sent even more deeper underground - into a room where there were bright white lights.

the team had led her into an odd bathroom, settling her into a bathtub. they stripped her of her clothing, leaving her bare in the cold air of the room.

the head stylist, allium took in her figure, looking at her up and down. she wrote something down onto a little notepad before leaving the room.

she was settled into the tub by the other 3, still unsure of their names.

the women scrubbed her body as the man prepared what seemed to be dye? was he gonna make her purple like him...

"oh dear god! rhuba! abernathy said not to mess with her hair!" exclaimed the woman, in all black.

"we're not cutting it, we'll just make her a little bit blonde .. i'm thinking a split dye, it'll be absolutely stunning on her!" the man named rhuba exclaimed, "don't always have to be so closeminded, volta.."

"we're gonna get in trouble!" the woman with fairy wings instead of ears snapped, "he specifically told us not to touch her hair!"

"i-its fine? i don't mind if you dye it like that .. just d-dont cut it!" y/n said, interrupting their little argument.

"oh dear .. your mentor is gonna kill us." sighed rhuba. "plus people probably wont like it like that, its not popular in the capital at all!"

"she said we could do it!" the man practically squealed, "how exciting! most tributes are so against us dying their hair!"

the two women just tsked, as they rinsed her of the soap and dried her off, they wrapped her in a towel and led her over to a metal bed.

"dear i'm just gonna wax you .. not sure i'm gonna need to though, bare as a baby.." said rhuba, "well! at least we have a tribute who actually takes care of herself this year, not sure why i'd expect less from someone who looks like her.."

"her nails seem ok too ... some color wouldn't hurt tho!" said the little elf looking woman, with the fairy wings instead of ears. she was buffing down her nails, just evening them out a little bit because otherwise she didn't need anything done.

"alright, so its just the hair!" the man said, as he moved himself to be able to access the womans hair.

"alright .. come over here.." he told her, leading her over to a chair. she had nothing but a robe on, and her body had already been examined and picked at her prep team. "it'll be done in just a second! only takes a few seconds to bleach your hair .. can't believe it used to take forever before!", he smiled as he coated half her head in the thick liquid, "...hey how about we add some tinsel extensions?"

"extensions?" she said, a little confused on why she would need the,.

"not just any extensions, hon! tinsel ones, they're like little reflective strips, it'll be totally gorgeous under the spotlight and we can have them match your makeup to it in the parade!" he laughed this, as he pulled out the extensions anyway. he rolled her chair over to the sink as he leaned her head back, washing out the bleach - leaving her with a head of half blonde and half black hair, it suited her but her hairstyle in general suited her beautifully.

he pulled out some weird hairdryer thing that fit over her whole head, and instantly dried out her hair.

once her hair was dried, he started adding the tinsel into her hair.

after about an hour, it was done. she had little holographic streaks coming out of her scalp and honestly, it was gorgeous.

"my makeup.." she asked, "who's gonna do my makeup?"

"oh dear that'll be allium! she's really good at it .. i'm sure she'll do you well!" he said, as he spun her to face him. looking her in the eyes, examining her hair and face .. "really gorgeous.."

"thank you.. and my clothes are decided by allium too right?" she said, a little bit worried.

"yep! she basically does everything except hair, waxing and nails, but she still had control over what we do with you .. now she might be a little mad about your hair.." he laughed again, as he pinched a lock of it. "but i'm sure it'll work well with however she dresses you!" , he gave her a reassuring smile.

she smiled back, as he sent her off to allium, peacekeepers greeting her as she walked out of the room and escorting her to the elevator. they went up 16 floors, up to the 2nd floor. the peacekeepers dragged her up to a door with her name on it, "y/n l/n" and then her stylist's name under it.

she walked into the room, it was like a dressing room - the vanity illuminating the clutter of makeup products on it, a rhinestone bodysuit on a mannequin. it was beautiful but it didn't cover much, the neckline of the suit high and up to the throat but it was sleeveless, and had a heart cut out over her chest area that would show cleavage and little red rhinestones around that heart making it seem like it was a bleeding heart. the sides were cut out, showing even more skin, the cut-outs were all lined with lace, and there was a little very sheer cape and "skirt" meant to cover her a little, the cape wouldve gone as far as her wrists, and the skirt didnt even reach 1/4 of her thigh, barely covering anything.

"oh you saw it .. was gonna make it a suprise for you! didn't expect you to be done so fast.." allium gushes, as she came out from a back room. "the bodysuit is one of a kind, and you're going to need to be stitched into it - it's held together by pins right now but its fine, the jewels are all little pieces of obsidian, the red stuff is rubies, theres also some absolutely gorgeous shoes to go with them! this isn't what i had planned at the beginning but then when i saw you at the reaping ... oh god you were stunning! wasn't sure how i would be ok with myself if i covered you with coal, we're still gonna go for that kind of makeup look though, smudgy eyeliner, freckles and a blood red lip! it'll be stunning on you .. your hair... jesus he butchered it! but no worries, it matches up.. we'll just use a lot of highlighter to make you look like a diamond!"

"you know .. back in the day some people actually used coal as liner i think! we could try that but im not sure how it'd look .. better not to risk it. now i need your help to pick what shoes and jewelry we'll have for you! nothing on the neck of course, its already covered by the suit but we need some bracelets, earrings and maybe an anklet?" she seemed insanely excited as she just kept talking, "we'll cover you in diamonds .. you've got to love that! come come!", she continues gushing as she gestured the girl over to a table where jewelry was displayed.

"i was just stunned by you ... these are all real, and all very expensive. i think this one and this one are the best," she pointed at 2 bracelets, but not bracelets, more like something to go on the upper area of your arm with diamonds spilling down to your wrist. more like a makeshift sleeve?

"those are really nice! could i have a ring? the heart shaped diamond one!" y/n asked, her voice a little squeaky from excitement - she loved all things beauty, makeup, skincare, clothing.

"of course! was thinking about giving you pearls but then i remember that 12 was a mining district, not sure how you'd get pearls there!" she smiled, happy that her tribute was sharing her admiration for clothing and all things beauty.

"now! shoes, you pick .. i think you'd stun in something that'll make you taller and goes up higher on the thigh..!" she pulled the girls arm, taking her to the shoe collection ..".. how about these! you better pick quick .. we only have 2 hours left and i'm not sure that'll be long enough for you to get your hair styled and your makeup done.."

"those are really nice!" she smiled, as she looked at the thigh high boots with pointed tips and red bottoms, covered in black velvet - luxurious.

"alright alright! now we'll have your makeup done, then ill style your hair a little, and then you can get dressed and meet up with your mentor and district partner for the tribute parade!" she said this, her voice getting louder as she clapped her hands and a squad of people came out. seating herself into the chair in front of the mirror, they wet her hair, and started her makeup.

it took around an hour for makeup, excessive makeup that would only look good from a distance. stage makeup, and it was gorgeous.

the smudged out eyeliner drawn out to give a "kohl" look to the girls eyes, the dark red lips lined with even darker lip liner and sharp corners - making her lips seem curled in a smile, her eyes standing out. her eyes were captivating, her entire look was sultry, dominating and seductive at the time - all things that she wasn't. and that would've worked out for her, in the interviews and everything. a woman forced to appear strong in her parade, a woman with a sharp eye and luscious lips, a sultry and seductive woman. a maneater, something that she wasn't and she knew how to work across it, "oh god my stylist just did that to me .. i swear i'm not actually like that!" and little smiles, kisses and looks that would melt anyone. the innocence that wasn't yet stained, something she would have to work to show off, she wasn't what she was dressed to be and it felt like a costume to her. but still, she wore the costume well and just for the night.

as her stylist re-entered the room, she practically squealed when she saw the girl.

"oh dear! this is exactly how i imagined everything .. you stun me!" she managed out, as she examined her face.

"thank you.. i feel really pretty right now!" y/n proclaimed, unsure what exactly she should say.

"honey! you are really pretty!" she laughed, "well now it's time to give you back to your mentor and stuff.."

"he's probably gonna have a stroke when he sees me like this." the girl jokes back, haymitch was probably going to look like hes having a stroke when he first sees her, his jaw dropping a little and eyes widening in shock as he would took in the figure - a figure she wasn't used to "rocking" like this.

as she was lost in her thoughts, allium was pulling her around and eventually into the elevator.

"im so excited!" she squealed, this was her first year after all - and she got to style one of the more gorgeous women she had ever seen..!

the girl still lost in her own thoughts just had a dreamy smile on her face, imagining what haymitch might think of her.

as she entered the room, there was exactly 26 minutes until the tribute parade.

"someone finally decided to show up.." her district partner grumbled this while scowling, haymitch was reclined back into the luxurious sofa with a drink in his hand. he had cleaned up quite a bit, he was wearing a suit. he looked amazing and the girl was definitely staring.

"jesus theyre gonna have a field day with you." he slurred a little, he was drunk. he sat up, looking at her with his full attention. he took in the bodysuit, it hugged her curves well, showing a lot of skin, his eyes lingered where they shouldn't have for a while as he looked her up and down - slightly shocked by what she was wearing.

she just laughed at his words, blushing a little because honestly, she wanted to be on the couch snuggled up into him. she wasn't sure why but she was always quite drawn to the man, he was attractive , rough and a little messy - but still, he had a nice face and a nice body (for an alcoholic at least).

she sat down next to him, still not very comfortable as her stylist followed and sat down next to her district partner, his stylist standing behind haymitch.

"alright so .. you two need to try and get along.. just for the parade." haymitch said, a little grumpy. "but if you don't want to do that because the idea of being nice to each other disgusts you that much, then make it as obvious as possible .. you" he said, pointing at basil, "you need to figure out how to market yourself, make yourself look good and make them like you. and you, ehh sweetheart, you seem to have this whole 'make everyone fall in love with me' thing under your belt."

this led to a smile from her, as she nodded. her district partner seemed less than pleased, asking "why do we even have to make them like us anyway? shes not even that likeable.."

"you have to make them like you so you can get sponsors, sponsors are the difference between life and death in the arena- if you're starving, then a sponsors gift of food might saved your life .. and knowing you, you'll probably be starving if you survive that long. and, she" he said this, gesturing to you, "she is likeable because she is pretty, people are going to look at her before hearing what she says and they're gonna decide if they wanna keep her alive or not, she is desireable in terms of looks and looks can get you everywhere when it comes to sponsors."

"they're gonna hate her after they figure out what her personalities like.." he scowled as he thought about her, the simple thought causing his troll-like features to contort in displeasure. haymitch let out a sigh, seeing how those 2 couldn't get along.

the woman seemed offended at his words, and as she was about to say something not very kind about her partner, the intercom interrupted her.

"Tributes, the parade is taking place in exactly 10 minutes! Make sure you head to your chariots now." a shrill voice said from the speakers.

The group of them got up as they headed over to the chariots, she wasn't present for when they all rewatched the reapinga so she hadn't seen any of the tributes before.

The girl and guy from one were both beautiful, with the boy reminding her a little of cupid. They were covered in gold, matching their shiny blonde hair.

The pair from two were a little more average looking, with a younger girl and older guy, the girl looked as if she had been crying - not something expected from a career district.

From 3, they were both tall and slim, nothing extraordinary.

The pair from 4, with a boy that was obviously a kid - he couldn't have been older than 14.

She kept watching the other tributes, and she noticed how the girl from one would occasionally reach for the boys hand, holding it and smiling at the comparison. How she would look up at him with loving eyes, a look of longing and regret that was only visible to the trained eye. She noticed how the boy from 2 would comfort the girl from 2, patting her head sometimes. She saw how the girl from 4 was always looking back at the girl from 5, she noticed how the boy from 4 would scan the crowds with anxiety in his eyes. How the girl from 5 was also always looking at the girl from 4, love in their eyes for each other. She noticed how horrible the pairing for the career districts were - a pair of lovers, 2 kids, a woman entangled in a queer love affair that was bigger than she was, and the only actual "career" looking tribute was the boy, but still - he would comfort the girl from two. if anything, all the careers from one and two would group together, and the boy from 4 but the boy from 4 would be the one they left out a little more, the disposable one. The girl from 4 would probably ally with the one from 5, running away from the cornucopia to live out their dying moments in the arms of their love.

The pair from 10 seemed strong, 10 was the livestock district - butchers. They knew their way with a knife, and they probably knew how to kill. They would make powerful allies, the only reason they lacked victors was because of their lack of sponsors, they were a district that was greatly overlooked in the games.

She looked at the hands of each tribute, paying particular attention to those of 4 and 8, the districts where knots were useful, 4 using fishing knots and 8 being the one of textiles and fabrics. The pair from 8 almost definitely knew their way when it came to knitting / tying / sewing, the boy was 4 had callused hands - probably from fishing. She knew that those 4 people were to be looked out for as they would know how to manage and craft traps. The girl from 4 wouldn't be a problem unless she found her lover, she would be easy to pick off during her love crazed and very desperate search for her girlfriend. And the girl from 5, would be even easier once the girl from 4 was gone..

She was quickly snapped out of her thoughts when Haymitch snapped his fingers in her face, "sweetheart, parades gonna start in a minute or so."

"sorry , was js thinking about something" she apologized, not trying to upset the man. she climbed into the chariot, as she waved a goodbye to the group.

She stood in the chariot, Haymitch's words stuck to her, or not his words but more his tone. He always seemed a little irritated with her, unless she was serving him liquor, he didn't really acknowledge her other than that. He didn't go over plans or advice with her, he just asked her to refill his drinks. She felt like the was dumbing her down, but he wasn't like this before the games. When she first met him, he was sweet. He was drunk but he saved her, and was still kind with her. She didn't understand the reason for his overall dismissal of her, always talking to basil about actual stuff instead of her.

The chariots started as Snow finished his speech, she wasn't sure she had it in her to smile and wave like she did before but she did anyway. The capital seemed to love her, screaming her name. She was showered with roses as they threw them over the stands, she caught one and smelled it, lifting it into the air and blowing a kiss in the direction it came from, even louder cheering emerged from the stands. She kept a smile on her face for most of the parade, but honestly - she was glad it was over.

She met back up with her district partner, mentor, and their escort.

"So! How did we do?" she said, as she smiled, excited.

"Crowd went absolutely insane when you did what you did with the rose! You're a natural in the spotlight!" her escort gushes, a smile on her face as she admired the girl. "Oh and your outfit! It was stunning ... I'm not sure how anyone could keep their hands off you!"

The tribute smiled at her, still a little upset with the idea of the games.

Once they got back to the building where they were going to spend the night, her prep team made quick work of her outfit - giving her her old clothes back and leaving her to remove her makeup by herself.

She went up the elevator, following the instructions of Allium, to go up to the 14th floor because that's where she was staying.

She walked in and saw Haymitch and her district partner, both by the coffee table and obviously discussing plans about the games.

They both looked up at her when she walked in.

"What are you guys doing?" She said, walking closer to them, her voice pleasant.

"Just discussing strategies for the games," Haymitch said, "..could join us if you'd like."

"She'd probably prefer to go play with her makeup or try on dresses.." sneered Basil, he knew she took an interest to those things and he mocked her for it. Haymitch honestly wasn't much better about it though, just sighing and ignoring Basil's words as he continues to discuss the plans.

She was a little hurt, but just said "maybe later, havw to go take a shower right now.", as she put on a smile and walked away to her room.

She didn't have much trouble finding her room, as they were all labeled. It was a beautiful room, decked out in pink and gold, unsure if they made special arrangements just for her, she walked into the bathroom.

As she explored, she found a cleansing balm and a whipped cleanser, which she used to remove her makeup. After that, she found a hair mask, and some scissors. So naturally, she decided to cut her hair. She was unsure if it was because of her newly dyed hair color or because she was unhappy with how the dya went, but it didn't matter because she picked up the scissors and snipped off a chunk. As she realized what she had doen, and how it was a very big and noticeable chunk, she gave up and kept cutting. Eventually she ended up with a medium length haircut, that cut off at her breasts, opposing to where he hair used to be - at her hips, that admittedly did fit her newly dyed hair pretty well, as did it frame her face. She brushed out any of the hair she cut out and applied the hair mask, putting on a shower cap and laying on her bed. She found what she thought was a tv remote and turned on the tv, she didn't find many shows or movies - the media allowed in Panem was mostly government broadcasts and talk shows. She ended up not watching tv and instead decided to paint her nails and take a quick nap.

She slept peacefully for almost 30 minutes, as her hair mask marinated. Once she realized it had been 30 minutes, she removed the shower cap and slipped into the shower. Scrubbing at her body as she relinquished all the bad thoughts and feelings of the day, erasing the dirt and sweat that stained her pretty body. She decided to take her time, she would exfoliate and shave and everything, made sure to be perfect by the end of it. As she rinsed off her soapy body, she reached for the body scrub, applying a lather of the sandy feeling liquid to her legs. She scrubbed for a little, exfoliating her legs as she picked up the razor, coating her legs in shaving foam, she glided the razor down, removing any hair that might've grown since the last time she did this. She repeated this process on her whole body, as she rinsed herself off and felt truly clean.

She exited the shower, engulfing herself into a soft robe, she felt truly at peace with herself at the moment. She looked through the contents of the skincare drawer in the room, finding sufficient products. She grabbed a piece of ice from the mini fridge in her room, rubbing it over her face, once she finished with that, she decided on a skin tightening toner and some rose water, which she applied to her face and neck. Afterwards, she layered a moisturizer over it, before finally adding some snail mucin to lock in moisture - a weird ingredient but common capitol beauty trend.

She patted her face as she applied a hydrating eyecream, before grabbing a hairdryer and drying her hair. Once she was sufficiently happy with how damp it was, she applied some hair oil, then grabbed a gua shua and ran it along her face. Once she finished with that, she picked up the hair dryer once again, this time fully drying out her hair. She grabbed a lash serum, applying some onto her eyelashes, and picking up a pair of tweezers, as she plucked her eyebrows into the perfect shape. The woman was high maintenance, she wasn't going to lie, but she loved it. Her little beauty rituals made her happy, made her beautiful.

As her hair was dried and she was happy with how she looked, she went into the closet they provided for her, and she picked out a pair of pajamas.

She had grabbed a satin babydoll top, lined with lace, and a pair of lacy underpants, that she put satin shorts of the same color over.

She ran her hands through her hair, adding a little bit of volume before exiting her own room, to join Haymitch and her district partner at the table.

They were still at the table but this time, Basil seemed to be yelling at Haymitch for something, with Haymitch being a little too drunk to care.

She made her way closer to them before hearing what Basil was so upset about, "you're literally a drunk why would i take advice from you" and other things, she didn't really plan on interfering except for maybe glaring at Basil a little more often, thst was until he grabbed Haymitch's drink and splashed it into his face.

The woman slammed a quick punch into Basil's face, letting out a "what the hell are you doing?"

"are you really gonna defend him, huh? hes a drunk! hes literally sending kids into an arena ever year judt for them to die!" basil said, delirious and mad.

"everyone has their problems and everyone has their way to cope for it. don't blame him for something out of his control." she hissed, as she bent over Haymitch, to help him wipe some of the alcohol off of him.

"he can control it but he just keeps ln fucking drinking - i don't even know how you can try to defend him ! he's gonna be the reason we die soon!" basil snapped, still upset.

"alcohol is not addictive," she said, wiping haymitch's jaw, "but alcohol is numbing, alcohol makes people forget. alcohol lets people escape the pain of their modern lives, it takes a while for it to develop into an addiction but getting addicted to alcohol is not something someone does for fun, alcoholics are people who have something to forget, something to hide from, something that is hurting them just to remember. alcohol is an easy way out that still lets them live, still lets them function. i promise you , just because he's an alcoholic doesnt mean he doesnt care, and it doesnt mean he doesnt fucking try." the tone of her voice was sharp, unpleasant and spearing at the moment, something abnormal for her, "if he didn't care and he didn't want to try, if he didn't have some hope for us, us as in the tributes, he would be fucking dead. sending kids into a death arena is something no one could enjoy, but if he didn't have a little bit of hope - that one of us could win, he wouldnt be here today. he was a kid too when he went into his arena, he survived and it scarred him, what he did scarred him and snows punishments scarred him. he's not a bad man for wanting to escape the horrors of his past, and hes not a bad man for being drunk while hes supposed to be helping us because at least hes still here and at least hes still trying. so you need to shut the fuck up and realize that everyone has their own problems and to stop bitching at every minor inconvenience." her tone indicated the end of a conversation, as basil walked over to his room, unable to argue with the woman, the sympathetic woman who always seemed to look into a situation more than she had to.

she leaned back down to haymitch who was watching her with sharp eyes now, questioning eyes, her little outburst wasn't something he expected. the little observations she made, the little assumptions, and how she had seen through his facade things that shocked him. he realized she looked at him with wide eyes and sympathy because she figured he was trying, still trying his best after the dozens of kids he watched die.

and at that moment he knew, he knew what she was. a people watcher, a sympathizer, a woman who knew how to wear everyone else's shoes, a woman who took nothing to heart because she trusted that whoever was delivering it had something going on for them, someone who could see through everything and still never tried to hurt them with the information she had gathered as she observed them.

she rested into his arms and caressed his jawline, her own attempt to comfort the man. she was sweet and beautiful, insanely likeable, and insanely marketable.

[blightts]

Kieran let out a laugh. He couldn’t help it — the gible was adorably insistent, and it eased his anxiety a bit. “Uh, there are a bunch of strong trainers here, but… yeah, I guess at this point I’m included in that, huh?”

He was flattered, really. And a little embarrassed, but mostly flattered. Though he’d certainly become stronger with his team, Kieran wasn’t used to being called strong. He rubbed the back of his head sheepishly.

“… I guess a battle wouldn’t hurt. If you want to. But before all that, who are you lookin’ for? I might be able to help.” He said after a short pause. If it was one of the teachers, or somebody else on staff at the academy, he’d have a pretty good idea of where the were… at least, he thought so.

Honestly, he was pretty curious about her. Something about her had piqued his interest. Nothing bad, of course, just… different, was the thought. Maybe that thought was wrong, too, though… either way, it was just sort of a hunch, there didn’t have to be anything real about it.

“Don’t worry about botherin’ anyone. Most people here are pretty alright.” Although, there were a number that didn’t like him. For good reason, to be fair, but still.

@rathalascendant // starter

It had been a bit, honestly, since Kieran had seen a fresh face. He wasn’t, of course, familiar with everyone in Blueberry Academy — it was a big school, after all — but he’d at least seen most people around before. Of course, none of that mattered when he was home in Kitakami — he did, in fact, know pretty much everyone in Mossui, after all. On that note, he was definitely curious about the stranger he’d seen walking around — blue hair, definitely pretty. If he was going to approach her— well, it was likely going to be for a battle if she was a trainer, and she did have that look about her… he had to be tactful.

And honestly, tact wasn’t his strong suit. He was so awkward with people, especially strangers. When he wasn’t awkward, it was because he was acting obsessive — over power, that was a fun phase of his life. Gah.

He rubbed the sides of his head in frustration, throwing his head back. Better just to get it over with!

“Hey!” Finally, a bit of a shout— Was that rude? Oh well, “I’ve never seen you around here before. You a trainer?”

[cpunkwitch]

Hey, it's the anon that asked if chronic pain counted as a physical disability

I guess I just wanted to ask a few other things because you're like the first person who has actually answered my questions on this kind of stuff— I'm sorry if it becomes annoying or if my questions are stupid, I really struggle with research and stuff, so if this stuff is easily found on google or something then im sorry

I wanted to mainly ask what counts as debilitating? I mean my chronic pain tends to come in episodes that last a few minutes to a few hours (well the most noticeable of it, which is my ribs. But I do tend to havesort of aches in my joints, knees((are they joints?)), hip and some other places pretty commonly, and that usually lasts a few hours but I'm usually good at ignoring that), sometimes it can happen every day for a week and sometimes I can go weeks without experiencing or noticing any pain. I can still do things that most people do I think? Other than running or walking up hills, that usually takes away all my breath and makes the pain really bad (so bad I've had to lay on the floor for up to 10-20 minutes because I walked up too many hills). I don't know if that would count as debilitating

For further context, I am quite young and I don't have any diagnosis, I haven't seen a doctor over it because my parents don't believe my pain is real and often say it's growing pains (I don't think it is, since it started back when I was like 7-9, so before I started growing) so I don't really know much about this or my body really

Again sorry if this is a sort of stupid question, if you can't answer it or don't feel comfortable answering it that's perfectly fine ^_^ /gen

holding you gently (if touch is okay)

i dont think you understand anon im autistic all i do is research please please ask me to your hearts content! /silly

going bit by bit so its easier on my dyslexia, what counts as debilitating? subjective to the person but overall; debilitating means a condition or otherwise symptom of some kind causng a person to be weak, effects their usual functions or otherwise hindering, so for something to be disabling / debilitating and to count as such, it just means it hinders you in some way and generally makes you weaker in a "more suseptible to" way, such as chronic pain making it so you cant get out of bed i the morning, you cant lift heavy things like chairs etc.

it common for chronic pain and other chronic conditions to come in episodes my moms chronic migranes for example only happen about once a month. it still counts as chronic so long as its reoccuring and when it does occur if it hinders you in any way then it very much counts as debilitating and therefore a disablity.

the pain level doesnt have to be consistent nor does the time length, just that its reoccuring in some way.

knees are joints yes. when it comes to joint issues and pain its likely that form of chronic pain is caused by a type of arthritis, fibromyalgia and/or some other autoimunity that is known to cause that. not certain but i just felt like that might be worth noting.

my chronic pain causes me issues with walking just like that, people without this condition dont often struggle with losing energy nor feel pain after walks or runs, uphill or otherwise, unless they have something else goig on with their body. if it effects you lower body its no surprise your mobility in that area is effected in some way too. i got myself a cane to help me with this as i walk uphill to work often (at least its one reason it helps me)

that hinderance alone, effectig your stamina, counts as debilitating, it might now sound or feel as severe as what other people expirience but it counts

it sucks that people equate age to conditions and then dont believe young people like us when we have issues, but age has nothing to do with it, you can expirience anything like this at any age for a number of reasons. i was born with a defect i my spine we didnt find until i was 18-19 and id been i pain for well over a decade now.

you'll find its hard to get people to listen to you now, but once you know what to say, for example telling them how long that this has been going on and how it effects you, even what you suspect it night be and dont let them derail from exploring those possabilities, you can /get/ them to listen to you.

sucks hard that people wont listen in the first place, especially when they think they know everything. but youre the only one whos gonna know and understand your body best because only you can listen to it when it sends you signals like pain.

(i genuinely enjoy these kinds of asks i love getting to ramble)

[darlington-v]

coustas as a character is so important to me, like the whole journey thats being taken with him is like so!!! its good

im glad coco and tartah dont villainize him and that the narrative itself makes it clear that the reason coustas was pushed toward the brimhats is because the system that is set up is unfair and feels like it will willingly leave people suffering.

i REALLY enjoy how complex the story is too, and that its not black and white, that the brimhats are justified in their demands while the assembly is justified in why they are keeping magic very private. that like there's a complex system here that isn't inherently wrong in what it does, but it just needs new rules and regulations.

like i may need to go back and reread, but i personally really enjoyed when tetia was told that any place that is holding information from her is trying to control her. i can't remember the quote, but it felt really nice because it solidified this depth and acknowledged that what the assembly is doing isn't a good solution to the issue they're facing.

THIS WAS ABOUT COUSTAS THO SORRY

ALL OF THIS TO SAY LIKE. I AM GLAD COUSTAS ISN'T BEING VILLAINIZED, AND THAT THE BRIMHATS OVERALL SEEM TO BE A LOT MORE COMPLEX THAN "WE ARE JUST EVIL" BECAUSE ITS SO IMPORTANT TO ACKNOWLEDGE HOW SYSTEMS WILL PUSH PEOPLE TO LENGTHS JUST TO ESCAPE THEM IF AND WHEN THEY CAN?

Like, that one post abt him that was floating around!!!! you're not evil, you're just 12! like

im gnawing on my floorboards

LIKE IT HITS SO HARD FOR COUSTAS, HE'S JUST TWELVE. HE'S JUST TWELVE AND HE HAD A MOBILITY AID THAT DIDNT HELP AS MUCH AS IT SHOULD HAVE, AND HE COULDNT GET A BETTER ONE. AND HIS DAD WAS FUCKING MURDERED, AND HE'S BEEN LIVING THIS UNSTABLE, HARD LIFE AND HE'S JUST TWELVE!!!!

HEAVES

AND THE NARRATIVE LIKE- THE INJUSTICES HE FACES ARE PAINTED ALL SO FUCKING CLEARLY.

I NEED TO LAY DOWN I REALLY LIKE WITCH HAT ATELIER.....

[ourblued]

it truly was like they were overlaying souls, lost but found at the same place. for the same reasons, it seemed. however, when hange hailed the commander title —— it seemed like they were drained, completely tired of it all. of themselves for making the big decisions when it should’ve been erwin, when it was him. now, they feel like they’ve distanced themselves from it all. the people, their reasons for being there : titans. the study of them, the way they looked, everything about those man eating monsters. when they became commander, they devoted themselves to saving people, to helping them survive, instead —— people died. one of their deepest regrets, was watching those people die. was seeing themselves fade into the nothingness that was there, the one that laid in their heart. & the way levi saw them . . . it felt like hatred, secretly. the way he had no emotion, he felt nothing, it felt as if it was their fault. everything around them crumbled, it all went to hell. they can feel it, in their heart. whatever they touched, they planned. it was nothing but dirt. they vowed, for humanity, for them. for whatever else that came along with becoming commander.

no one knows, but when hange goes to sleep, they think about it. how they were promoted to commander, how erwin saw them as his replacement. though, hange didn’t feel like a replacement, they felt like someone that was living in his space —— even after he died. they felt like someone who could save them, levi. the survey corps. however . . hange didn’t like the way it felt, the way it worn on them, as if they were in control of everything. they didn’t want to be, that was the thing. a silence looms between them & levi, with trembling breath as they’re listening to his words. hange doesn’t know what to say, not to levi. & they usually have something smart to say, nonetheless, they seem broken. torn apart for what? a sigh comes out, hand brushing against the loose strands of their hair, taking a look at levi. how broken he looks —— how they all look. ❛ wouldn’t hold it against you if you felt some way towards me, ❜ hange lets out, other hand tapping against something, keeping themselves distracted, somewhat distant from him. their captain, the one they’re supposed to deliberate to, but they can’t. hange isn’t trying to be difficult, or different. they’re trying to be someone erwin can be proud of. instead, they’re thanked with nothing but exhaustion & self hatred. when does it end? when do they finally get to be happy?

arms crossed against their chest, a small huff leaves their lips. knowing levi’s disapproving of their new attitude. they don’t mean to, they’re just tired. how did erwin do it? feel nothing, they mean. how did he do this so easily? why was it so hard for them —— to the point where they couldn’t bear it all anymore. they know levi’s right there, by their side if they needed anything, however, they don’t want to be weak. they’d hate to crumble under pressure. they’d hate to have levi see them this way. deep breath leaves their lips, ears perked at his words, wanting to shake their head, but they don’t. lips agape, aching to say something. to tell him to stay. ❛ . . . i —— please don’t, ❜ it comes out as pitiful, hand slowly reaching to touch at his, telling him silently that they want him to stay, that they need him to stay. help them —— guide them the way that erwin did, tell them that everything’s going to be okay. that this is an obstacle they all need to cross to reach happiness. when do they finally get to be free of the pain & burden that’s been laid on them?

❛   you tried to change, didn’t you?  ❜ / @new-darknessbaund.

the natural pang in their heart as he's speaking, knowing that he's right. he always has been -- being able to read them like a book, like the ones they've read about titans in. all hange does is give him a glance, blinking as if he's stupid, but deep down, he's right. there's nothing they could say that would change his mind, they're aware of that. the commander title going to their head, just a bit. giving them a power trip no one has ever felt before. hange scoffs, shaking their head for a moment, soon laughing it off. ❛ think you know me, is that it? ❜ they're stepping to him, their height compared to his : eyes looking down on him, knowing that he wouldn't do anything physical, not at all. nonetheless, hange is careful, not wanting to step on eggshells with him. considering that he might say something too snarky, something that'd get on their nerves.

[alexanderlightweight]

Hello! First of all I want to say I love your work!

I just saw your post about some entitled person complaining about you not using readmore (if I got it right?) and

1. People need to remember that they are able to turn off long post/turn on long post shortening in their settings on mobile so they're really just being rude about something that they can do something about on their own end

and

2. We can actually use readmore on mobile! You just need to type :readmore: in a new paragraph/line and hit enter! Just in case you ever do want to use it, but quite honestly? You do you and if people can't deal with how you do it then thats their problem, they do have options if it bothers them :3

Anon, you and another anon are just the sweetest people who both are trying to help me with this and let me just say, i appreciate it so so much. I have now somewhat figured out the mobile readmore though i need to fix it as i got it wrong a couple times.

But honestly, your reassuring me that i can do what i want on my blog is just, really soothing for my anxiety. so thank you a lot!!! because my brain likes lying to me and sometimes it's easier to believe someone i haven't met than the people i live with.

you 100% got it right. tbh it was just them replying to a fic i really enjoyed writing with a 'use a god damn read more' and nothing about the fic or anything else. which like, if you don't care about the fic and just the length of my posts please block me?

and tbh if it hadn't been so rude or distressing i wouldn't have been so upset. it's just, i only even saw the comment by accident (my notifications are horrible about telling me when someone has replied) so i kind of freaked out because how was i supposed to know it was even a problem for people?

i would have been happy if they'd asked me without swearing or been demanding in an ask and it would have been fine if they'd used anon if they didn't want me to know who they were. and then my bf took over because my social anxiety got triggered and just blocked them and talked me down from my 'omg i'm triggering people to the point they're upset at me and im a terrible person' mental spiral that i fell into. and i'm sure the person didn't mean to trigger me, but i do talk pretty openly about my anxiety on here so saeth agreed i should write a post about how not to request things. so that i can at least say i tried if this happens again.

also they're blocked and i didn't respond to them or call them out because 1) i don't need more negativity/they don't deserve access to me/my stuff and 2) they could have just been having a really, really bad day and they don't need the guilt of knowing they sent someone into a triggered anxiety spiral and almost made them stop writing an entire fic. or the stress of being 'called out'. it's healthier for both of us to just not interact at this point, i feel.

and while bad days doesn't excuse being shitty to other people ever!!! i personally just hope they find their equilibrium and learn better coping mechanisms and how to request things. but its also not my problem to fix, hence why blocking.

thank you for the care and the compliment and just reaching out! sorry i kinda ended up rambling because i'm still a little anxious about the whole thing and how i handled it

lumine

[csa-survivor-confessions]

(?) First off, thank you admins for taking the time to run this blog- the resources and comfort y’all provide means so much. I’m on mobile so sorry for writing a poorly formatted novel length ask lol

I have unique trauma, and I never see it discussed anywhere else so in the interest of possibly helping someone who hasn’t put the pieces together yet I wanted to talk about it.

When I was around 3, I got a UTI (im a cis woman). My doctor wanted to make sure I didn’t have kidney reflux, so they ordered a test called a VCUG. In short, what they do is put a catheter in you with no sedative/topical anesthetic, pump your bladder full of radiocontrast fluid until it literally backs up to your kidney (incredibly painful), and then you’re supposed to piss it out on the table or into a towel. I read a study (Goodman et al 1990, can send a link if y’all are interested) researching the validity of children’s testimony in court about CSA trauma (like how accurately they could remember the incident), and the “test” they used is the VCUG because it has every characteristic of a rape, but it’s a medical procedure (direct, painful genital contact and penetration with a foreign object by a stranger while a parent watches). I had it done twice in 6 month, and when my doctor ordered a third test “just to see” my mom put her foot down and said no.

It was my first memory, but for 23 years of my life I believed it was an exaggerated or false memory because it seemed cartoonishly traumatic and I didn’t believe it was a real medical procedure. I thought that it was just an ultrasound and because I was so young and scared I constructed that memory. But it WAS real. I found my medical record and put the pieces together myself as an adult. my first memory is of strangers undressing me, touching me, my mother helping the nurses restrain me, them “taking photos” of me with ultrasound and X-ray equipment, being denied autonomy over my own body and being treated like a science experiment. My entire life, I’ve been so confused, not knowing why I can’t set boundaries or have normal relationships, or why I gravitate towards people who have severe trauma, and why I understood how they felt. I always felt guilty because I didn’t have a “story” like they did. I believed I was just Incredibly Fucked Up For No Reason because I grew up in a stable home (for the most part), and I felt like I didn’t “deserve” to have those feelings because I didn’t think anything happened to me. But it did, and it /severely/ traumatized me. Because it’s my first memory, it’s a cornerstone of my personality, for better or for worse.

So my question is- now that I know what happened, how do I cope with feeling like a victim if there is no true perpetrator? There is no face attached to my trauma, nobody to blame. I was a toddler, the doctors and nurses were just doing their job, and if my mom didn’t follow their advice she’d be accused of medically neglecting her child. I guess I can be mad at the for profit medical system and the fact that doctors are financially incentivized to order those tests, but I feel like I can’t get complete closure from that. I want to tell some of my friends who have opened up to me about their own csa trauma, but I feel inadequate. Like on one hand, I didn’t get raped. It wasn’t like a family member I trusted was coming into my room every night. But on the other hand, it’s more extreme in a way? Like a medical bdsm gang rape while my mom watched. It’s dehumanizing in a different way because I wasn’t even seen as an object of attraction, I was like a lab rat. I have all of the same problems, the disassociation, the identity issues, the sexual problems, addiction, and self harm in the form of an eating disorder. I know that its not fair or healthy to compare my trauma to anyone else’s, but I’m just anxious about the reaction I might get from my friends whose experiences were more “textbook” abuse. So I’m kinda testing the waters here, if y’all have any advice for me I’d appreciate it.

This is more of a confession than a question, but I also have a memory gap from ages 7-9, and my therapist thinks something else was happening because losing two entire years like that is Not Normal. I can’t even recognize myself in photos from that time period. It’s a pretty disturbing feeling. I was already showing hypersexual behavior around 6- is it bad to hope that I do find out someone hurt me, so I can have a face to my trauma? So that I can find someone to blame other than myself and externalize the pain?

thank you again for reading my novel again I’m so sorry for the formatting 💕

Hello,

I think it could be good to understand it as a medical trauma along with sexual aspects. It sounds like you had a doctor who didn't know what he was doing or had incentives to put you through unnecessary testing which could count as medical malpractice.

Medical trauma rather from necessary procedures or unnecessary is something that feels like a violation of bodily integrity. Because you are having things in your body that are not a part of you. It's not gang rape, but it is a group of people treating you not like a person and putting your body through extreme physical and emotional stress. That is extremely traumatic and will have huge effects on anyone, especially children.

I personally have gone through a lot of medical trauma along with my CSA and psychological abuse. I have nightmares, body memories and flashbacks to medical events.

You are not alone in having gone through rare medical procedures and experiencing medical trauma from them. It might feel like you have extremely unique trauma, but other people have experienced rare medical procedures that caused trauma reactions or feel like sexual assault. Many tests and medical equipment go into the body (all kinds of feeding tubes, ostomy bags, catheters, tracheal tubes etc) and can feel like our bodily integrity has been broken.

Even if there isn't one huge perpetrator because the people were doing their job, that doesn't make you to blame for what you are going through. You can blame the doctor I suppose for ordering a test you didn't need, but you can also blame no one. No one had to be "evil" for the trauma to be real. Medica trauma is extremely real and no one is always in the wrong, it's just extreme stress on the brain so you experience trauma being held in the body.

I think when you get thoughts about your trauma not being valid because there is not one perpetrator, try and counter that thought. Maybe something like medical trauma is real, and so are my feelings. You can also practice journaling or making art about your trauma as this will help externalize your story and organize thoughts and emotions.

Many coping skills and trauma processing therapies (examples: somatic experiencing or EMDR) that work for CSA will also work for you. There are nuances to every trauma type but many skills overlap. [Resources-Info & Coping Skills]

Your trauma is valid, important and discerning to be heard and respected. Because you were put through something that hurt you and that's important. You are important and so is your story.

I wouldn't tell your friends your trauma is worse, as I don't think it is going to go over well with them I would also say knowing your abuser found you sexy isn't a protective factor against becoming traumatized.

I think telling your friends could be good, maybe don't frame it as "I experienced the same thing you did" or "I went through some more unique so it's worse" but instead frame it closer to "I experienced extreme medical trauma that had similar effects to sexual trauma. I could use some support in dealing with it." I think that framing will get you the best outcomes. Because you deserve to have the way it affected your sexuality respected, but framing your abuse in competition with there's might cause bad results.

Wanting our abuse to look like what trauma is generally shaped as, looking for a perpetrator or wanting the trauma to be "worse" is all totally normal. You are not a bad person. Also please be careful with recovering memories trying to force it can hurt.

I hope some of this helps,

-Admin 1

[youngster-monster]

everytime i look back at my own anon asks they get longer and i feel like im writing an essay except the essay is hyperfixation fueled rambling . does that mean anything i WILL get my wow lore from you i HAVE been getting my wow lore from you and there is nothing that any gamer alive can do to stop me because i have more free time than i should be allowed to have and an obsession for two dead gay elves. i think about them every single day and i think that this can be accredited to you, ELVES???? IN MY MULTI-MASSIVELY ONLINE ROLEPLAYING GAME???????? MANY OF THEM??? AND THEYRE COMPETENT TOO?????? oh man oh god i (i am shoveling everything on my desk into a suitcase) i dunno if i (i am hauling my computer and monitors into a comically enormous suitcase that is far larger than the contents would require) dunno if i can (searching "FINAL FANTASY XIV DOWNLOAD") i dont know if i can play that g- okay for real though i May In Fact Download FFXIV . i am scared of games i know nothing about because Uh brain sucks but youve convinced me by setting up one of those stick and box animal traps with promise of elves as the bait. i now get to message my sister who has also been hitting me with ffxiv copypasta and tell her i am interested PLEASE please please i would literally do anything to see subs tank so that they have no choice but to kick illidan out of space hell and by extension kael and vashj too so they can be mean to eachother and have the banter i so crave. to me their banter is what mana addiction is to the high elves. i miss them every single day my brother actually found out about the gay elves when i left wow open on my computer ("what relevance does that have?" you know how you can name your wow character almost anything? yeah so i have this thing where i physically cannot stop myself from testing if ship names are available for use on any game i play and uhm. youll never guess what i was testing on wow right then and there) which is tragically positioned in such a way that it is visible to the entire room and when he saw it he looked so disappointed but in no way surprised whatsoever

the time that i have to message you approaches very quickly because the ask length is getting Worse. it is getting So Bad. my deepest condolences that you have to sift through this whole thing i just have so many things to say at any given time

frankly this reminds me of my old forums days. did y'all ever do that thing where you made a friend on a forum and instead of exchanging numbers (no mobile phone) or skype contacts you'd just exchange novel-length private messages? emails with extra steps.

i am so sorry for the dead elves brainrot. it will get worse.

me 🤝 your sister Come Play FFXIV. They Are Extending The Free Trial In October. You Cannot Escape The Elves

it's actually a good game too especially once you make it past base game! as a wow player i found it pretty easy to get into after a quick period of adaptation ( < forged in the crucible of wotlk-era wow)

i just KNOW the outland trio has some incredibly comedic AND tragic potential with their banter and blizzard is KEEPING IT FROM US.

everyday hapless brothers are subjected to their sibling's dead gay elves obsession.... and it will happen again. when we're in the same room i often ask my brother random wow lore questions and he answers me immediately before going (extremely suspicious) "why. is this for a fanfic." yes it is now tell me more about coastal cities in the eastern kingdom for this throwaway line im trying to write

i also cannot shut the fuck up and i love attention and friendship so i'm having a blast personally 😌 everyday i log on and go "ah :) got a new message from my Secret Connection" like we're two spies in the 17th century corresponding through letters folded under a rock

[mlynar-nearl]

the amount of pulls you just said was insane sorry, did you just say 290 for ling/lee? and 170 for gavalter/pozy? absolutely insane that is some. wow. (can i say anything i hand mhy my wallet like it is free)

ok but yeah i can see like.... why. i mean. i love old man nearl i want him, i want him now so i can finally get started on my nearl family agenda and have to m9/mod3/maxlvl everyone in the nearl family (i love them little lovelies) and i have only done this with nearlter but blemi needs rocks and i hate rocks i hate farming 1-7 with a passion i have literally postponed farming rocks so much i have like 7??? un-e2'ed 6*s just bcs they need rocks (and also bcs they are not meta lol)

ur wallet is terrifying. anyways will u max pot the old man? i feel like u wld tbh but like complete guess.

and yeah most ppl will talk abt honkais story instead since it is pretty good, but i like the gameplay very personally, like... im a sucker for good hack-and-slash games (that i can play on mobile bcs idh a pc oop) that also dont require *that* much brain and honkai has honestly filled up that for me lol. its nice its flashy i press buttons its a win-win

but yeah before that, for the longest time, it was just arknights that stuck with me and its really obvious why bcs its a really good game (even now ofc tho sss pains me in every way possible) and i still do is2 all the time for fun even tho ive maxed out my candle level for weeks alr like hell yeah !!! i love this game!!! i burn out sometimes but i usually get back within one or two events (hence my incomplete guide ahead + the one medal missing from lingering echos + i only completed medal set for tw on the rerun) but yeah i love arknights and sometimes i wish i had more friends to yell abt it !!! watched the concert (the one with phenomenal agents and i was rly sad that i couldnt talk abt it to anyone properly)

ah once again sorry for the length, but i would love to hear what other gacha games you play as well ! personally i am a gacha game only person (my standards are a bit low sometimes) and i dont play much outside of gacha tbh. ah and of course, have a nice day !

i pretty much only pull on limited banners which is why i could put in that many for gavial and pozy without dipping into the wallet that much. ling and lee, on the other hand, THAT shit hurted my money. for my arknights pulls i basically set myself a number of rules that rely on the slight delay between CN and global that let me think out ops in advance and such. essentially, i allow myself one operator release between limited banners to actually invest in, based on how they look, their mechanics, and what i like in a character. so mlynar is my one between gavialter/pozy and omertexas/penance, simple as. GG was a previous "one." so was surtr. unfortunately this system does mean i have to skip characters that i do like- for example, i prio'ed GG over gnosis and fiammetta, who i both really enjoy as characters- because i ruled that GG has the most utility that i can take advantage of in my average playstyle and her global range is just too good at covering for my smallbrain moments. so for that reason, i normally have around 17 ten-pulls saved for each limited banner including the free ones that you get (meaning i average around 175 pulls since i throw in a few singles to make it nice and even.) ling and lee were an exception since mr lee just decided to fight me on it. to this day the only operator released on a limited banner that hasn't come home is irene and that's because i put foresight in myself and reminded myself that gavialter and pozemka would be upcoming in a much shorter gap than between ling/lee and specalter/irene, and i would regret it if i went all in for irene. the primary goal is always the operator who will be impossible to get at any other time of the year. yes i plot these things that far in advance like a general going to war. it's how i Survive . i've been doing it pretty much since i started when the limited to save up for was W.

i don't intend to pull for maxpot on mlynar for this reason. even with him sitting at my all time favorite character in the game, it doesn't fit my standard of pulling. eyes are ahead to omertexas and penance once he's home. though i do have idle plans to use any royal guard tokens i get on him. i would like him to be maxpot someday but given that i generally roll with the broad goal of collecting as many characters as possible, it's incompatible for the moment.

rn i indulge at feh and genshin at the request of my friends who do play them. i do enjoy genshin and it's a fun time killer- it's a shame the fanbase is So. i try not to indulge in gacha games unless they're recommended to me by friends, and arknights was, in fact, a rec when it was fresh enough (i think right after partial necrosis dropped because i had the frostnova lore explained to me as a hook.) i started right at the tail end of nian's banner. most of the vibeo games i play are non-gacha to avoid the hurts to my wallet that mr lee put on it. at least with arknights i can feel like i'm actually paying them for a good game PFSDLGH.....