#im ok im ok im not falling into old patterns

[baby-prophet]

I literally haven't done any of the shit I wanted to do today and now im panicking a little bit.. which is making it hard to get anything done bc im feeling so anxious that im just kind of frozen here

[ganondoodle]

Hello 👋

Swallowing my nerves at last to send you an ask! I was just wondering, what inspires your designs? Are their inspirations in stuff like movies or games? Or just things you come up with yourself?

i .. honestly its kinda hard to tell, sometimes i just randomly think of something, like some detail, or color combination and try to incorporate that into a design somehow; it can come from anywhere, like the color scheme of a pithaya/dragonfruit is something i have been wanting to make a design with for ages but havent come up with anything good in all those years ;O;

im a very easily fascinated by color, espeically in nature, like sometimes i just stop and stare at something like i froze in time bc i just woooooooooooooah color! i probably look like a weirdo doing that though

its really hard to pinpoint anything specifically, the most is probably .. other artists? i guess? which always makes me nervous bc my memory is shit in most areas of life and i worry myself to pieces whether i unintentionally "stole" an idea and just dont remember and think it was my own, it goes further that sometimes i see something that makes me want to draw a similar concept but dont bc i dont want to 'steal' even if that couldnt be further from my intention (have been accused of that before ..)

that said for my ocs specifically .. most are rather old and have just kinda evolved out of their awkward first iterations (shargons first iteration was a hauro-howl- copy that was really just some human covered in feathers .. another oc was once a hellboy copy but in green- havent drawn nor redeisgn them in ages lol), the biggest inspirations for them is a mix of animals, bonus if you dont see them often- im a big shark, whale and sea creatures in general nerd so i tend to take from them as a priority but always trying to be less directly animal and mostly just .. features that work together

Eadrya is one of the newer OCs- i started to write but then looked at my folders and oh they are from 2017 .., i even made a design timeline for them how much they, and my art, have changed back in 2020, so thats also way outdated now lol (they apparently started as a whale .. thing? its like a pokemon evolution lol)

this is them now (i like this sketch still, though shargons design is now also outdated lmao)

this ones from early 2023 so also outdated now but you get the point

for demons i try to be a bit more wild on shapes and colors while still adhering to the rules of how they work (humanoid form, demon form, animalistic, one element each and more or less made to fit that, 4 arms is very common, look to be bost scary and wild but also something that would make you stop in tracks and stare in awe and fear if you crossed paths)

often times designs just kinda .. happen, i have maybe the idea ok i wanna make something with a white and red pattern also moose or those big horned cows are cool and kinda scary so maybe sth akin to that (though this one is technically a redesign too- its also pretty much entirely different)

for non demons but still non human i go for a much more restrained design, mainly inspired directly by an animal and giving the color scheme a good spin, plus adding unconventional body shapes, like ki'ita is also a good example, her old idea was just orca anthro pirate and just by making the white green instead in her most recent redesign already adds that little spin to it

that can have its pitfalls though, as i often fall into the big arm small head small legs scheme over and over xD

alot of it is trial and error, deciding on the colors can take me hours bc im always searching for my little rule of having one contrast color that shows up in very few places to draw attention to it (like with Eadrya its those bright yellow eyes and thingy at their tail)

and that is all about myy own ocs, when its fandom stuff it works kinda similar though, either in the connections i wanna draw or just thinking it further- like how deities in destiny work also just kinda .. happened like an ever derailing train

like for demise i was at first really just im gonna give him horns bc horns are cool and he got those on the starting mural in the game- so how his hair work? well maybe it isnt hair actually and just unbound energy, im making him a deity too and fit hylias design to his so, yeah, then so how does it work, ok he gotta have a skeleton still, but what if his entire actual body is made up of pure magical energy with its core in the ribcage? with the core in the ribcage >:3c and the scales you see are just like cooled down lava as an armor bc his thing is fire and earth !! the normal blood? is a thin layer of skin imiated from mortals to keep the scales together and flexible so if he ACTUALLY gets hurt hed bleed magic that looks more like lava and any normal blood you see is just the armor- so why does he have a skeleton still instead of being just energy? maybe its gotta be bound to something OH and what if all of the deities started as mortals like a mirror to the trio later on and the gods cannot have direct influence to the worlds so they needed a right hand that is neither god nor mortal but both by killing a mortal by whatever their element will be (demise burned, hylia drowned etc) and their skeleton and spirit is kept but put into a body of magic- OH what if their spirit core is like almost piloting their bodies like a mech in a way bc if youd look close youd see that every strand of magic is actual a hand of their spirit so it makes it more weird and other bc hed be able to reach out with thousands of burning claws of all shapes and sizes like the beheaded forest god at the end of mononoke- SO if hed lose and arm or something all those strands would untangle and rearrange his bones back together-OH MY GOD the whole armor idea works so well for ghirahims dark armor so what if demise had two swords once and lost one and since has forged an armor similar to his own for ghirahim out fo fear of losing him t---

and that all is a process that happens over several weeks and months not rarely while i am drawing something mindlessly and suddendly *have a thought* and omg that makes so much sense-

so "what" inspires my designs? an ever derailing train of thought about making cool thick monsters that arent the evil thing to get rid of for once? cool color schemes? idk it just kinda happens??

[popstart]

Ok, i Saw that post about you complaining about How Gw*ncan shippers are racist to Courtney.

Can you give one example of that?

I had to go through my blocked accounts list to get this shit and it made me wanna shoot myself 20 times in the head so its not gonna be 1000% comprehensive bc i think that would qualify as self harm. ANYWAYS.

the biggest one is the massive amount of double standards and hypocrisy these people have between duncan and courtney (+ gw*ncan and duncney. censoring makes me feel like a child but i dont want people finding this post when theyre looking for ship content)

when the white man is "hostile but theres more to him than that" and when people call the white boy a "horrible person but hes literally a child" but courtney (and sierra) should be beaten to death because theyre obviously unable to be complex characters or children. its a really classic example of expecting women (ESPECIALLY of color) to grow up faster than men and having higher expectations of them

another example of weird violence and double standards people have towards courtney while not caring about anything either white character has done. post not made by the same person but it is reblogged by them

and ive posted this before because it seriously baffles me but this is just such an extreme reaction to a character existing. also the constant comparison to animals and dehumanization these people push onto courtney doesnt get past me. like calling a character a cunt and comparing her/her fans to tapeworms. get real man

and sure. this could all be a gross exaggeration on my part because theres just no way all of this is meant to be taken 1000% seriously, its just such a weird pattern to see. people constantly praising two white characters for doing nothing wrong and for being perfect and happy and healthy (despite the show frequently showing the contrary) while completely ignoring and shitting on a 16 year old brown girl in entirely absurd ways. These people genuinely believe that gwen and duncan are innocent, with the biggest thing they takeaway is that theyre "flawed but still good and complex."

anyways do i find it accurate to call these people definitive racists/misogynists? not rly no. i just think its extremely telling how much they praise two white characters for being pure and innocent and doing nothing ever wrong when provided with textbook evidence that its not the case.

like you can love any character (or ship) you want but love them WITH their flaws and recognize that nothing is perfect. in 0 way am i saying that liking duncan or gw*ncan is terrible and awful and should be grounds for public execution and im also not saying that courtney is perfect and did nothing wrong and everyone should love her forever. im just asking for a mutual respect that doesnt seem to exist for these people. everything has flaws, but blowing out of proportion the flaws of things (or characters) you dont like gets very very icky and hypocritical when you turn around and praise something that had very similar fall outs

[x0x0josephinex0x0]

For the request game!

Fall With Me - The Wild Reeds

SVT

Enemies to lovers

Ahhhhhh omg ok. Since no member was specified im gonna just choose one :) Warnings: a bad kiss is discussed, also they do make out, lawyer!jeonghan and he's a menace as per usual

The annual best friends’ trip would be going much better if it weren’t for the presence of a certain attorney.

The first time you’d met Yoon Jeonghan had been during a dizzying cross-examination of your expert information in a high-profile criminal case. As a forensic speech-pattern analyst, you had taken your job as an expert witness to testify against an almost-certainly guilty extortionist very seriously, but Jeonghan had managed to twist every one of your facts to the advantage of the man, creating just enough reasonable doubt to get the man off with a slap on the wrist.

You had sworn to hate the handsome, smooth-talking defense attorney for as long as you lived -- so imagine your shock when your friend had brought him along with the group as her plus-one because her boyfriend couldn’t make it. As her cousin, and the closest male relative she had, he was more than happy to tag along, he’d said. 

And now you watch him across the room, schmoozing over your friends, unable to break it to them that he was the evil attorney that you’d complained about for weeks after the trial.

What was even worse about it was that he kept catching your eye from where he sat playing cards with your childhood friends, framed in the big windows like an angel wreathed in light, his fine features sly and knowing, more and more aggravating with every glance. You knew he remembered you by the way his eyes lit with recognition as they’d taken in all the faces in the spacious cabin. You groan internally -- this man must be your own personal demon, sent to torture you for some long-forgotten sin. And he just has to look good while doing it, doesn’t he?

“Hey, are you even listening to me?” your friend Seokmin says, suddenly.

“Oh!” you exclaim, turning back toward him with a sheepish look, but he’s grinning at you.

“You aren’t the only one staring at him,” he says. “Look at Juliette.”

Sure enough, your old college roommate is eyeing Jeonghan in interest. You know that look -- she’s going to do something she’ll probably regret later if she doesn’t get distracted soon. A part of you wonders why it always seems to be down to you to prevent disaster as you excuse yourself from Seokmin with a hurried excuse, making your way over to Juliette with a request for some snowshoeing in the newly-fallen snow outside.

But of course, the odds are not in your favor today. Jeonghan stands up, tossing in his cards after what you clock as his third poker win today. “I’d better quit while I’m ahead,” he says, and then looks up at you. “Did you say something about snowshoeing?”

Well, you can’t exactly lie to his face while all your friends are looking at you expectantly, so you give him a curt nod. “Can I come?” he asks, and there is an amused undertone to his voice that brings your already-hot temper to a boiling point.

Juliette answers first. “Of course!” she chirps, and you have no choice but to trudge into the mud room with them, your jaw set in a hard line and your eyes flashing. You suit up wordlessly while the other two make flirty conversation, somehow growing even more peeved as you listen to them. 

Finally, you’re walking out into the calm, quiet forest, the snowshoes keeping your boots from sinking into the deep layer of snow frosted over the ground. You find yourself trailing behind Jeonghan and Juliette, listening to them chatter happily together, for the entirety of the hike, only finding a brief moment of relief from the anger when you pause at an overlook. Here, white-dusted fir trees spill by the thousands down a steep incline that leads to a small valley, and the sun slowly sinking seems to light everything in a pinkish glow. It’s breathtaking. You can’t help but smile.

Except for when you turn and catch a glimpse of Jeonghan staring at you.

His expression is mirroring your own: complete awe, a dumbfounded smile, eyes wide as though afraid he won’t be able to take it all in. Except he’s not looking at the view — he’s looking at you.

Juliette notices and makes a lame excuse for why she needs to head back to the cabin, ignoring your protests and leaving you alone with Jeonghan. “You remember me, don’t you?” he asks instantly when she’s out of earshot. 

“Of course I do,” you say, bristling. “Liar.”

He chuckles, and you hate how cute he is when he’s laughing at you. “It’s actually ‘lawyer’, but that’s an easy mistake,” he says, unbothered by your venom.

“Look,” you say, trying to keep a moderate tone, “in case it wasn’t already clear, I really don’t like you.”

“Why not?” he asks innocently. “Because I’m good at my job?”

“Because you helped a guilty person escape justice!” you say loudly. A raven in a nearby tree takes off in fear.

His face seems to harden a little. “Tell me what you know about the defendant.”

This request takes you aback. “I don’t know anything about him,” you tell Jeonghan. “Other than his speech patterns and what they indicate.”

He looks at your face — seeming to debate with himself for a moment. Then he speaks. “He is the only caretaker for both his elderly mother, who is blind, and a young daughter still undergoing treatments for an aggressive cancer. The company he worked for was scamming its employees out of money, so he pulled a clever scam back and was able to make enough off of it to pay for his daughter to be treated at a top hospital and for his mother to have a seeing-eye dog. If he went to jail, where would they be?”

The information you’re receiving weighs on you heavily as you listen to him, and you feel your face burn with a guilty flush. “I had no idea.”

He nods shortly. “Not everything is as black-and-white as you think.”

He begins to walk away, back toward the cabin, and you have no choice but to follow him. As you enter the mud room again, stripping off your snow clothed and hanging them to dry, Jeonghan gives a soft chuckle. “Were you really that mad?”

“Yeah,” you admit, allowing him a small smile although your ego is still a bit bruised. “You made me sound like an idiot in court. I’m quite good at my job, you know.” You internally cringe at self. Why do you feel the need to justify yourself to him?

He nods in understanding. “I know you are. And you’re cute, too.”

This boldness shocks you into silence, and he gives a small giggle that almost undoes you.  “I wanted to talk to you after trial, but the look on your face was…”

“Radiant?” you say, recovering quickly with a raised eyebrow.

“Well, you were certainly radiating something,” he allows. “I was scared you’d bite me.”

You laugh. Time to play his game, you think. “I still haven’t ruled it out.” 

You saunter past him as his jaw drops, taking a seat beside Seokmin and letting out a deep sigh. There’s still a nagging tension in the air though, especially when Jeonghan stations himself across the room from you with his cousin and some other friends, only to meet eyes with you every few minutes with a sparkle of curiosity in his wide eyes.

As night falls, the lights dim. One by one, people start excusing themselves to go to bed, until it’s just a gaggle of you left, you and Jeonghan included. You keep expecting Jeonghan to get up and go to bed -- you noticed on the first night of the trip that he tires easily and usually is in bed earlier than the rest of your friends -- but he never does. Instead, the air gets thicker as Jeonghan moves next to you on the couch, as nonchalant as anything, and you feel your cheeks heating up. Eventually he turns to you as the others become engrossed in their own conversation.

“So, if you knew that today was the last day of your life —“

“Are you serious?” you groan. “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looks indignant and taken aback. “Well, I’m trying to get to know you,” he says defensively.

“Yeah, but you’re asking the manic-pixie-dreamboy questions,” you tell him. “Start with something normal, and then maybe I’ll tell you my hamartia or whatever.”

He bites his bottom lip. “Uh, okay. What made you want to be a speech pathologist?”

“That’s much better,” you commend him. “And I actually have a little brother who grew up with a speech impediment that made him difficult to understand, and I spent my whole childhood translating him for others. So I guess it was something I knew I could do. Plus it was interesting to know how to help similar kids.” 

Jeonghan nods. “I guess that makes sense.”

“What made you want to be a lawyer?” you shoot back.

His response is immediate. “I’m a master manipulator, and I wanted to make a lot of money. It seemed like the logical choice.”

You can’t help but laugh. “That’s the reddest red flag I’ve ever heard,” you say. “I should be running for the hills.”

“So why aren’t you?” he asks with a sly smile. 

“Must be colorblind,” you say dryly. “But it’s actually because master manipulators usually aren’t so upfront with their gifts.”

He grins. “Well, I really am good at … influencing people, to a degree. But I guess I became a criminal defense attorney to broaden my view on humanity. There are people I’ve represented in court that I would hate to be alone with, and yet somehow I’ve learned that they all have a level of humanity that would surprise most people. They weren’t all good people, but they were all still people. And I think that’s made me a better person overall.”

You grin to hide how impressed you are. “And the money is good too.”

He nods. “Well, obviously.”

This earns a giggle from you, and Jeonghan turns his body to face yours. For the next three hours, you talk about everything, even as the last of the stragglers disappear with tired farewells into their bedroom. Finally, it’s just you and Yoon Jeonghan, sitting at opposite ends of a broad brown couch, laughing about one of your awkward dating stories. 

“And after all that,” you say, wiping a tear of derision and amusement from your eye, “he has the nerve to kiss me!”

Jeonghan’s eyes go wide. “Did he ask first?” he asks. 

“Well, yeah,” you say.

“Why did you say yes?!” he groans through laughter. 

“I was so taken aback! And also, he was pretty hot,” you admit.

He looks at you skeptically. “If I asked you a question, would you answer honestly?”

“Depends on the question.”

“Give me just this one,” he pleads.

“Okay,” you say, giving in easily at the sight of his puppy eyes.

“Was he hotter than me?” he asks.

Your jaw drops. “Yoon Jeonghan.”

“You said you’d answer the question honestly,” he reminds you.

You begrudgingly consider him. “You’re hotter,” you finally answer, glad he probably can’t see you blush in this low light.

He nods, satisfied. “Okay, go on. What happened next?”

You laugh at the nonchalant way he’s handled this news. “Oh, he was a terrible kisser. All of those looks just for him to have no sensitivity at all. Jammed his tongue down my throat and everything.”

“You should’ve told him no,” he says quietly, moving almost imperceptibly closer.

“I really should’ve. Anyway, that was actually the most recent kiss I’ve had, so my experiences with kissing are all being viewed through that lens, and it’s kind of ruined for me now.” You make a face as you remember the date, and the associated kiss. By the time your shudder brings you back down to earth, Jeonghan has moved just one inch closer on the couch. You pretend not to notice.

He pins you with his gaze, though. “Are you being coy on purpose?” he asks through narrowed eyes, making another small move in your direction.

“What do you mean?” you ask him, suddenly nervous.

“We’re alone, and you openly admitted I’m hotter than the last guy you kissed --”

“After you coerced me into telling you,” you interject, amused.

“And now you’re talking about how bad he was at kissing,” Jeonghan finishes, undeterred. “Tell me what kind of conclusion I’m supposed to draw from that.” And with that, he closes the gap between you, moving so close that your thighs are touching.

You look into his eyes. This was a plot twist you didn’t see coming -- you hadn’t been able to figure out why he’d stuck around when everyone started going to bed, but his reasons for doing so were becoming more and more clear, and although you woke up this morning as his sworn enemy, you have a feeling that everything has changed.

So you stare, wanting to fall, but also wanting to stay in this moment, right here, contemplating the risk. Maybe you’ve got it wrong -- it’s certainly possible. But maybe, just maybe, you’ve run out of options for things to say, leaving just the one thought you had when he’d moved closer and asked you to tell him what to think.

“Well, you’re the lawyer,” you finally answer, barely above a soft whisper. “Figure it out.”

You catch a hint of a smile before Jeonghan’s hands are reaching up to cradle your face, bringing your lips gently, but ever so insistently, to his own. 

His lips are soft and light on your own, a massive upgrade from the clumsy kisses of whoever had come before. You can’t remember that man, nor anyone else, for that matter. You barely register the feeling of the coarse couch cushions beneath you, sinking under your combined weight as Jeonghan pulls you onto his lap to continue the kiss. The light brush of his tongue over your bottom lip has you reaching for him hungrily, pulling him closer to you so you can feel his heart beating against your own.

It takes a particularly loud squeak from the couch for the both of you to realize how loud you were being. You both freeze and look at the stairs, terrified that one of your friends has caught you, before you both realize and explode into quiet giggles, pressing your foreheads together.

“Do you want to sleep in my room tonight?” you ask him breathlessly.

“I could never fall asleep with you in the same room as me,” he replies with a wicked grin.

[jksnrabbit]

Hi, I have several questions about Johnny B Close/Jonathan Foster, don’t feel like you have to respond any of to them.

What type of person did Johnny become post trial? Like Nick became Narcolas because of how much he looked up to his father, in both timelines so how did being raised by Jodie affect him?

When Jodie became a demon did Johnathan embrace it like Nicky did and also did he get his memories back like Nicky did?

What was Johnny doing during the Watermice saga into the battle of the bands? and did he go into that fighting ring in the bull e. wugs with Nick?

and lastly thank you for making this guy I also refuse to believe all the doodlers (other than lark and sparrow) are only children.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE QUESTIONS I LOVE YOU ANON

sorry if the responses are too long i <3 rambling about johnny

ALSO YEAH . NO WAY BETWEEN 4 DADS THEY EACH ONLY HAVE ONE KID (again, minus the oaks, but theyre twins thats like the same kid twice). and like i know that henry was originally going to have a daughter, but theyre cowards for not going thru with it

everything answered under the cut :]

1) post trial, johnny becomes johnathan d. foster [the d for dee, jodie's mom]. instead of johnny's black denim jacket, he's got a brown corduroy one, plus a polo shirt, no hoodie. and timbs instead of combat boots lmao

in the original timeline, johnny loses morgan and has since then become very protective over nick and overall very anxious. since johnathan still has morgan, he's much more lax and honestly, a bit more distant towards nicholas, like in the sense of an older sibling not wanting to hang out with a younger sibling. [as a youngest sibling i 100% get nicholas getting way too attatched to a parent as a result]

in relation to jodie, he's pretty much just a cop's son. which is to say, a stick in the mud, but not to the degree of tattletailing 'um actually 🤓' that nicholas is.

he's less of a bassist and more of a pianist in this timeline, and has the free time that johnny doesnt to take up hobbies like photography or pottery [if johnny had the time and resources i think he'd love photography]

i have a scene in my head about when glenn is threatening jodie during the meth bay prison riots, that part where he pins him to a wall; johnathan would be the kind of guy to tackle glenn from behind to get him off his dad then IMMEDIATELY cry for help upon realizing he cant fight a 50 yr old prisoner

2) yes, he also got his memories of being johnny back when he becomes a demon. nicky embraces being a demon much quicker than he does, but he gets there eventually.

im still debating on this in my own mind, but the scene where nicky stops jodie and glenn from fighting; john would be right there beside him, but i think they would split ways. nicky goes to hell with jodie, but i think the part of johnny that resides in john still hurts for glenn, and recognizes the pattern of destruction he would inevitably fall into, so he'd stay with glenn. of course, he has no idea how to interact with him as johnathan hated him, but he tries.

i think he would be numb when glenn dies. too many emotions, too similar to when morgan died, yet he doesnt see him as his own father, yet he does- its too much for him so he just mentally clocks out for a hot minute i think

he'd also have a very strained relationship with nick jr. how do you cope with your ex dad having a rat named after your brother.

3) ok funnily enough, i think johnny was the opening act before the red brands and the watermice battle, but not as a band. i think he was thrown up there to stall for time as henry, ron, and darryl seduced the rival band, and he ended up doing bad stand-up. think john mulaney's salt and pepper diner story, but from someone with no experience in public speaking. he basically just retells a story of him and nick goofin around. he recieves very stilted applause.

at bull e. wugs, glenn definitely pitches the idea of putting him in the ring as he has an 8 yr advantage on them, but he fervently denies as he doesnt want to fight a kid. that is to say, he is a Close Boy at heart, so instead he goes around the restaurant, swaying the people's bets, ensuring the maximum amount of winnings for him, glenn, and nick in the end

of course this is all to say - i'm not the best at character writing and cant write fanfic for shit, but i do love johnny, so anyone feel free to ask me more about him [+ my other dndads ocs that i need to draw😭😭]

[shapeofallcosmos]

time to get stupid about the king again

seeing this guy on my friend's brother's ps2 right before i moved out of my hometown at age 9 was insane, like it caused such a delayed reaction that took ten years to finally kick in. i'm desensitized now, but this changed 9 year old me in a way that i can only articulate now or something. not my favorite design, but its so classic. so original. so tastefully off putting to normal people. so...katamari. In my humble opinion, his tight clothing exudes subtle yet awesome confidance. no fear, nothing to hide, he wants all of it shown off. it's really cool. And his HEAD. I want a pillow with that pattern. Purple is by far my favorite color (and i think it's his too?) and its so soothing to look at. staring at him on my tv with my already fuzzy eyesight makes it downright hypnotic.

He's stupid, your honor. EDIT:Forgot to mention they took away his chest hair. Let the man be hairy. ok ok, on to we love. (reroll version)

oh yeah baby. oh YEAH. this is the stuff of dreams. so casual. so laid back. so lovely. he's comfy. at least physically. that stupid throne we only see again in touch my katamari. what's that lever for? sorry. tangent. the blue. the flowiness of it. his neck ruff not being sharp but instead soft and gentle. A more gentle King. I love it a lot. I actually bought some pants i saw in a thrift store because it reminded me of this king. It's such a good design. oh my god i love this king. He just looks so gentle. Like he's 20% more father now. Not "king", but "father. I don't know how to describe it. I want this fit so bad. The head is also soothing to look at too! Very nice, yet again a lot more gentle feeling, especially on the eyes. I'm probably just biased because this was the first game i started with. oh well. great design 10/10 i just wish they'd slow down on using it so much in other games (reused in forever as a model, and in touch as a model. im VERY pissed about how it was used in touch.)

ew

this was funny though. though it's kind of terrifying having him smiling when he's that close to you and when you're that small. please dont eat me.

i deeply enjoy when they are shown happy together. this design kind of smells. i actually think it's worse than touch.

I. LOVE. THIS. FIT. It's SO stupid. the stupidest fit he'll ever have. I just need to see how he even walks in it.

as i have said before, this design looks very much like my bed i used to sleep in at my grandma's house. I wanna lay on him and fall asleep. Looks so comfy. i also generally love beautiful katamari and i love how he's written as sort of like a father-friend, at least in how he talks. It reminds me of how my mom talks to me. I know, that's bias, but whatever. Beautiful King is a good dad friend to me. I love him.

man. man why'd they ruin you. i weep for this design. it's over the top in a way i dont really think fits him but it's still super pretty. I'm so mad they wrote him like that in forver. sometimes its funny but most of the time its just upsetting. he's mean yeah, but not THAT mean. (Some dialogue from RoboKing implies that when the King is off doing his own thing and that thing doesn't wind up going how he wanted it to, he'd come back and take his anger out on Robo. We never see it and again, it's just text and Robo could be lying for pity points but JESUS CHRIST. It upsets me so much! How could they do that to King?!

why. why would they do this. I cant enjoy Forever's design when it's attached to that kind of writing. all i can think of is how much of a jerk he is. i hate it. it's so pretty. im mad. on to touch...

I hate you and everything you stand for. And I am also sorry for what they did to you. You didn't deserve this. Or maybe you did.

[petruchio]

PLEASE share your midnights Matty softlaunch theory, it’s such an odd and (to me at least lol) fascinating album

ok so. im going to go into insane detail track by track, but i think midnights makes sense (almost) if we read it as a journey through deciding to leave joe and we read mastermind as being a matty song — so the album is mostly her wondering if this thing she feels with matty is real or in her head, and then wondering, if it is real, if it’s worth it to make the jump. and i think she was ready to do it, and midnights would’ve been basically the matty “announcement,” but then she and joe made up and the 3am tracks are kind of damage control to confuse the narrative and make it less obvious. but we have to do a bit of digging. so let’s dive in.

(obvi we don’t know what happened for real. but it’s just fun to speculate!!!)

we open with lavender haze. and here we see taylor desperate to stay in the happy, peaceful relationship she’s in — she doesn’t WANT to get married, she doesn’t WANT to be talked about, she doesn’t WANT anything more. she just wants this. it’s enough for her. …or is it?

because immediately, we move to maroon. we go from a pastel purple color to various shades of red, changing the image and flipping back through memories. and these memories call back to a lot of 1989 era imagery — we get the wine stain from clean, the rosy cheeks from wildest dreams, new york… that’s a real fucking legacy to leave. something triggered this little trip down memory lane. maybe they hung out, or someone said something, who knows. but i think this is where the cracks in the lavender haze begin.

and so after all that she takes us to anti-hero. it’s me, hi, i’m the problem. i think this is probably the precursor to guilty as sin? — it’s saying, oh no. i’m the problem, fantasizing about my ex again (i dream of cracking locks, throwing my life to the wolves/i wake up screaming from dreaming) and acknowledges that joe is going to leave her when he finds out (one day i‘ll watch as you’re leaving)

but she can’t stop. the fantasy continues to grow in snow on the beach. this song is filled a bunch of space/sky imagery — “a few moons ago,” “stars by the pocketful,” “your eyes are flying saucers from another planet.” let’s keep track of that imagery. (we’ll return to the all space stuff in a big way in down bad, but don’t worry, it’ll reappear on midnights.)

and then there’s the realization of you’re on your own kid. that’s right — you’re on your own, and you always have been. i think this is her deciding to separate her sense of identity from joe. and the first verse brings up a lot of images we see come back on ttpd: “summer went away, still the yearning stays” -> “another summer/rolling thunder/he don’t understand me” and “it’s okay we’re the best of friends” -> “but tell me who else is gonna know you?” and “you’re smoking with your boys” -> “you needed drugs more.” it’s tempting to interpret the first verse as a retrospective on her teenage years, but it could just as easily be about falling for matty while they were “just friends” and she was still with joe. but i think in yoyok she’s still trying to convince herself it’s not real: “just to learn that you never cared.” matty doesn’t want her, she thinks. but she has her songs. maybe that’s all she ever needed?

this triggers an even larger dive into the past: midnight rain. now she’s wondering if the reason she’s so resistant to marry joe is just a repeat of old patterns, so she dives into the past looking for answers. i maintain that midnight rain is about the muse of debut and i think it’s her looking over her own past and trying to make sense of what’s happening now. am i the problem? was i always the problem? am i incapable of marriage or is it just with this guy?

so now she has to know. she has to get answers. is this fantasy about matty her just replaying old patterns of leaving when things get serious? or is this thing she feels with matty something real? basically, can i ask you a question…? we don’t even need to dive any deeper into the 1989 era of it all. this song is pretty obvious. note that we return to the space imagery though: “does it feel like everything is just like second best after that meteor strike?”

i don’t feel like talking about vigilante shit because it’s a bad song but suffice to say i think it’s just her being admitting she’s okay sometimes being the villain. other than that it’s not really relevant to the matty narrative.

so then we get bejeweled. which was strange when it came out and hasn’t gotten less strange, but it’s kind of another step in deciding to leave joe behind. she can’t marry him, because she’s not sure matty isn’t actually the one for her. “when i meet the band, they ask do you have a man, i can still say i don’t.” is the band… perhaps… the 1975? and this is when she leaves. “what’s a girl gonna do? a diamond’s gotta shine.” she sets herself free. you can try to change her mind, but you can’t. she polished up real nice.

and then we get labyrinth. which to me only makes sense as a post-joe song. “it only hurts this much right now.” “i’ll be getting over you my whole life.” “break up break free break through break down.” but what saves her? the person who comes in right at the last second: matty. he turns the plane around. remember all the space imagery? my flight was awful thanks for asking? well, here he is. uh oh, i’m falling in love again.

and actually… she loves it. it feels like karma. (or maybe destiny.) for all her work, all her struggle, all her pain, she gets the guy in the end: the years of pining and coded songs all add up to this.

but she can’t hate joe. she could never hate him. she might have wanted to leave, but it wasn’t because he treated her badly. he never wanted anything from her. just sweet nothing. i don’t think sweet nothing is a breakup song; it was probably even written as a love song. but its placement on the tracklist makes it feel like a goodbye. “they said the end is coming,” she says. but she needed someone who saw her that way. it’s an i will always love you song. it’s a thank you.

and so we close: mastermind. the planets and all the stars aligned from snow on the beach and question. we’re up in space now. she’s been planting these seeds since back in 2014… and now she has him. matty. she did it. all the wisest women had to do it this way. doesn’t that sound like fucking politics and gender roles? the liquor in the cocktails that she’s always drunk on when she’s around him? but he knew the entire time. she’s a mastermind.

okay so that’s the standard edition. the bonus track being hits different makes sense if it’s the joe breakup — “it hits different this time.” she’s left people before, but never like this. she’s SAD! she’s waiting for his key in the door but it never comes. she might have been the one that left, but it still hurt like never before.

but the 3am tracks are the last bit of the puzzle. and here’s where i think we can take taylor’s word for them as sort of “vault tracks” because they don’t fit in the narrative of midnights, but they tell a story in themselves. and that story is of her and joe getting back together after all this.

the first one she tacks on is the great war, a song about making up after a fight. so she puts that one to first, to reassure that they actually made it through. then i think we get the “cutting room floor” tracks — that is, they’re out of order but all part of the larger story. we get another heartwrenching goodbye in bigger than the whole sky, a return to the delusional lavender haze and staring at the ceiling in paris, a song about cheating in high infidelity. all thematically relevant, but not perfectly fitting into the narrative of the original record.

then we get glitch, which imo is also a matty song. “depending on what kind of situationship im in” read: if joe and i are off or on. “2190 days of our love blackout” read: six years since the 1989 era where they dated originally. “nights are so starry” brings us back to the space imagery, the glitch video on spotify glitching to the 1989 tv of wildest dreams… “it must be counterfeit” will come back too, in loml when she says “something counterfeit is dead.” but here… it’s only getting started.

would’ve could’ve should’ve again sees her examining her patterns with toxic men, and begins a lot of the religious theming we’ll see return on ttpd. and then we close with dear reader, a song about self-loathing, and begging the listener not to take her advice because she’s not really a good person. she admits it: she cheats, she lies, joe has left her alone in the house (not a home, cause nobody’s there.) “you should find another guiding light,” she tells us. but she shines so bright…

anyway yeah. that’s my extended theory. i think it was supposed to be the goodbye to joe and mastermind was introducing matty, but then when they patched it up, the narrative changed and 3am tracks got added on and changed the direction. (it makes sense if those tracks were added on late, since they weren’t available physically for a long time after the record was released. hits different, the song about breaking up with a long term partner… was.) we could deep dive into every song and analyze the lyrical parallels with 1989, folkmore, and ttpd too (don’t get me started on the 1 and cardigan) but we’ll save that for another time.

and of course, we all know what happened next. but we wouldn’t be here without the chaos that was midnights. without it, we might never have gotten an answer to that one, burning question…?

now we have the answer. the only thing that’s left… is the manuscript.

[desire-mona]

MONANA. ALL THIRTY TIME FOR YOU TOO RAAHHHHHHH >:D

from this post

1:A song you like with a color in the title

blue dream - dance gavin dance

2:A song you like with a number in the title

'39 - queen

3:A song that reminds you of summertime

jackie onassis - sammy rae and the friends

4:A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about

apple cider - early eyes

5:A song that needs to be played LOUD

THE SUMMONING - SLEEP TOKEN!!!!!!!

6:A song that makes you want to dance

radio silent - jomm and readyaimfire27

7:A song to drive to

oh girl idk i cant drive! weaponize your love - seven year witch

8:A song about drugs or alcohol

not exactly but theres a ref so. nearly witches (ever since we met...) - panic! at the disco

9:A song that makes you happy

sleepyhead - passion pit

10:A song that makes you sad

stanley ann - chris thile

11:A song that you never get tired of

goddamned saint - nickel creek

12:A song from your preteen years

oihyygu ok lemme open the old playlist. sad machine - porter robinson

13:One of your favorite 80’s songs

as - kimiko kasai and herbie hancock ALSO IT GOT REMOVED FROM SPOTIFY IM SO FUCKING UPSET

14:A song that you would love played at your wedding

forever - the little dippers

15:A song that is a cover by another artist

vincent - james blake (don mcclean cover)

16:One of your favorite classical songs

string quartet no. 8 - dmitri shostakovich

17:A song that would sing a duet with on karaoke

hmmm out of the woods - nickel creek

18:A song from the year that you were born

helena - nickel creek

19:A song that makes you think about life

when - dodie

20:A song that has many meanings to you

pirate radio - jean dawson

21:A favorite song with a person’s name in the title

marcel - her's

22:A song that moves you forward

she needs him - her's

23:A song that you think everybody should listen to

all of these but also moon river - jacob collier

24:A song by a band you wish were still together

low beam - her's :-(

25:A song by an artist no longer living

valerie - amy winehouse and that other guy

26:A song that makes you want to fall in love

sleep walk - deftones

27:A song that breaks your heart

sleep patterns - merchant ships

28:A song by an artist with a voice that you love

habibi - tamino

29:A song that you remember from your childhood

this side - nickel creek

30:A song that reminds you of yourself

lovegod - sarah kinsley

this was so fun ralphie im excited to read urs :3

[johnbleepingzoidberg]

ough gender.

its like... do i just need to accept the fact that im actually a woman and find a way to accept my womanhood in a way that's comfortable to me and makes me feel confident in myself, or am i truly a man? i just dont know. i go back and forth on this so often

every so often i just feel so...feminine again (usually whenever i go home or am at work where im not out and am referred to as she/her and my old name) and i feel myself kinda accepting it again and falling back into old patterns bc it's what im used to. so im like. ok. so if im ok and can tolerate she/her etc. am i actually trans.

and then the doubt of "well...do i actually want to transition??? do i want to actually be perceived differently and go through all those changes???" and.... yes? no? maybe? idk

[teddykaczynski]

dysphoria

im of two minds. about many things. but... well my facial hair yeah. part of why this is in a readmore and not. a normal ass post is because i dont feel the greatest about some of these thoughts. which are.... sometimes i see the facial hair patterns of testeronized females and my thought is, well that kind of looks bad im glad mine looks different/doesnt look that way. i feel this way about a lot of Tmustaches. but then sometimes im like well i kind of wish i had more of a mustache it feels a bit incomplete without... one. im like amish without meaning to be. but then i think again and the mustache hairs i do have... some are brown visible but a lot of them are pretty light, and if i had more hair there itd probably also be weird blond hazy and not like. idk the 70s tomselleck mustache the 14 year old dysphoric child that lives inside of me w3anted. but she didnt know what was realistic at all and i do. and like, idk ive reached a point with my dysphoria in many cases where i have a difficulty with this aspect of myself for whatever reason but i prefer it being that way than... the alternative. because i know what the alternate is and most of the time i just... visually prefer the option of nonaction. and ofc the other options are unknowns, i know what i look like now but its also possible to end up in a situation where. yeah i did T again so i have more of a mustache and my beard filled out but now i really struggle with this new thing. visually or not. and then seek to change/heal/fix that. rinse and repeat. and so on. thats the whole thing. anyway i didnt mean to get into that i really meant to just focus on facial hair. well my tangent was vague on purpose but let me just say

(i dont want to get t/opsurgery. for several reasons.... but the reason i was getting at vaguely there was that... the aesthetic results.. i feel leave something to be desired. which isnt a slight on any one whos gotten a surgery like this. like. im fat too, so my result would likely be suboptimal anyway and any weight changes may impact my chest in ways i would feel like would make it not worth it and like. i dont know. im skirting around it but what i mean is ive seen enough images of fat top surgeries and like. i prefer how i look now. it looks better to me. suuuure it cooooooould be nice to wear certain shirts with less stress in the summer but its also nice to not have nerve pain and loss of feeling and NIPPLES FALLING OFF[real story of someone i know] and i already have some permanent nerve issues in my chest from my reduction. so. tangent fully over)

like. idk. i go back and forth on it. sometimes im glad my facial hair is the way it is, and grows in, what is in my opinion, the pattern of facial hair typical of women in my family and perhaps a common female typical pattern just in my case it is much more increased. i wish my mom and aunts werent such shavers so id have better reference. i think if shaving wasnt a thing more woman would have increased/longer peach fuzz in the areas that i have a lot of hair. anyway. but then sometimes i wish it was... a more male typical pattern. like mustache connected to beard with filled in cheeks and sideburns. like sometimes im glad it is a more female pattern and i dont have a straight up beard bc i feel like it helps when i want to be assimilated among women but then i also do wish for the straightup beard sometimes. why? cause itd be cool. the 14 year old says. ok well. thats why youre 14 and im not

[thedeathdeelers]

writing pattern game

Rules: Share the first line of your last ten published works or as many as you are able and see if there are any patterns! (from most recent to least recent, starting from the top). Tagged by @onlygenxhere

hmmmm ok this should be interesting (i’m only counting the ones up on ao3 as Published)

1. rent is due (Hidden Love TV 2023)

“I’m a very generous and gracious person,” Sang Zhi announces one day out of the blue.

2. falling for you; falling through you (jatp)

He lands with ease on familiar linoleum flooring, having gotten the hang of this whole ghost thing.

3. mirror mirror on the wall (Hidden Love TV 2023)

Her phone rings first thing in the morning, startling her from her sleep.

4. finally (jatp)

“Come oooon Luke, just one date.” Julie slumps against Luke’s side, head resting on his shoulder as she tilts her face up towards his to better flutter her eyelashes at him, pout already in place.

5. i’m not the same as i used to be (i think i’m haunted by the things i’ve seen) (jatp)

A gentle nudge near her legs wakes her up, the old weathered leather beneath her bare arms sticking to her skin.

6. your lipstick stain is a work of art (jatp)

He straightens his collar for the millionth time, tugging at his shirt sleeve as his fingers brush over the cuffs Julie had bought him a few days ago.

7. a hike and a surprise (jatp)

She’s not sure why she agreed to this.

8. sweet sweet fantasy (jatp)

He stayed away all day in an attempt to be thoughtful — Julie has exams this week, and she has repeatedly told him that he is more distraction than company (and so what if he’s smug about it?).

9. the breathings of his heart (jatp)

It’s a quiet lazy afternoon, with only the sounds of the soft rain pattering against the studio roof keeping them company.

10. est-ce le diable qui s’est incarné en elle? (jatp)

Luke poofs back outside the studio doors, having left Reggie and Alex behind at the skatepark with Willie.

i start a lot of my fics with “he” or “she” or half way through a conversation, kinda keeping it vague to start with?? i like to jump right into the middle of the story rather than wasting my time setting it up cause im Very Impatient so yeah. there’s that?

i’mma tag @lydias--stiles, @mac-lilly & @missjoolee and literally anyone else who wants to join in!

[mr-downer-2024]

i know of no more clear way to phrase it than like a redditor video gamer so apologies in advance

but i want to date and marry for like the passive buffs? yeah dates and sex and shit, thats fun. when she puts on the golden boy cosplay and pretends im the motorcycle sure thats hot and nasty. but just having someone around in your life you trust and feel comfortable around. packs your lunch, helps you and you help them and you each are greater than your individual parts together. movies together or just taking a walk together. running errands alone is OK but singing along with your wife to the radio? going to cons together? maybe i am so lonely in a way that makes me resonate with CSM a lot but the way some couples are just unequivocally better together, i envy that. i wish i could just have a better passive existence simply by letting someone into my life and it sounds so easy and yet...

I get that 100%. I enjoy doing things alone these days a lot more, but sometimes I just can’t help wish for more.

and it’s not like I didn’t do this to myself. at the end of the day I’m kind of a weird dude who just has, intimacy issues in general in feeing vulnerable, genuine, and learning to communicate more honestly n not make someone feel like they’re not good enough.

but ya know I’ve spent enough time feeling equal parts guilty and resentful and now I just gotta learn to respect myself n others lest I fall back into old patterns. I think I’ve made a lot of good progress in the last few months, and I’d rather not backslide.

[semi-imaginary-place]

ffxiv ill mheg 2 and rak'tika 1

2 headed wolf of voeburt. like the 2 headed eagle of the germanic kingdoms?

dohn mheg. i kinda miss actual dungeons that were mazes would have been appropriate here

ardbert's got that chronic depression rizz

firs tthe echo makes pc best canditate for primals and now the blessing of light makes them suitable for lightwardens. isn't it great being the player character

i was eating chocolate so this line blindsided me because it's very different and 4 times as long in the og japanese. so i didn't get it all but whats different is something like i'm not the real minfilia im not the minfilia that is his family

yeah that sounds like him. 5 years and a different world didn't make him any less emo

this is my favorite section of the game so far.

fandom is such a liar. emet selch is the true femboy of ffxiv. he's such a drama queen (literally too since he was the main patron of the sb raid theater group). he just came here to complain

speaking of ill mheg and lakeland. those don't look like 100 year old ruins. (or was lakeland earlier i dont remember). but stone structures even without maintenence don't fall apart that fast like irl we have stone castles and pyramids that are hundreds or thousands of years old. stone is durable. wood is the stuff that will fall apart after a hundred or two years. i guess the pixies went on a wrecking spree?

rak'tika greatwood. y'shtola joined a cult.

wow he's really got nothing better to do than follow us around

y'shtola joined a paranoid xenophobic cult. they called anne-san! an oira character! oira characters are the best! damn she really went no contact

yeah i got spoiled on this plot point but it's concerning that pc-kun is aetherically indistinguishable from a sin eater

oh so this is a persistent script change. in jp minfilia says "I'm not the real one" and this isn't the first time she's referred to herself as not the real one. honmono ja nai or something

idealism, hedonism, spirituality. also interesting that rak'tika is the only place outside of the shroud ive seen teh duskright models being used.

rather convenient that krile of all the scions didn't get summoned. well i guess post sb she's messing with eureka. but still imagine if 5 sine eaters were distributed among 3 people instead of 1. 5/3= 1.67 and wol-chan is ok at 2.

... it's a new age cult. the night's blessed see themselves as stars in a night sky, lights in the dark or do they consider stars/candles to be a part of the darkness too?

huh just noticed everyone this expansion is in black and white. minfilia is in mostly white. urianger and y'shtola in black. thancred is in white and black . alphi and alisaie are the most colorful. and my player character is all in white too.

... pc didn't tell anyone about ardbert.

it doesn't come across as much in eng but in jp vauthy's speech pattern is unusually childish for his position

weren't the murderous faction wanting to kill everyone. really ranjit is the better option. the audience knows the night's blessed are the "good" ones but really this sounds like a religious faction skirmish, what is one belief system over another.

finally i've been hearing about the great serpent of ronka for years now. is that a tsukinoko?

[falloutgirlboy]

Uhm hello saw your tags about always buying CDs/physical media and I feel an instant kinship. I mostly get CDs but I always check vinyls and every now and then for movies. I don't seriously "collect" but I check any bargain bin/used/discount rack I see. I've got around 250 CDs right now, I haven't counted in a while. I'd love for you to talk about your collection!

YES I WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE!!! (my tag for my collection is red mail day hehe) this might get long also so there may be a cut

my biggest collection is my music stuff! i started with cds bc they're cheap and easy but i started collecting vinyl as well about 4 or 5 years ago, i also try and collect dvds of my favourite movies/shows when i can because my favourite film got taken off netflix and it scarred me LMAO

pictures under the cut !!!!

i have about 150 cds a bunch of which i yoinked from my parents, it's a lot of britpop and 80s-90s indie/punk which is basically what my music taste amounts to outside of the emo shit

my beutiful floor to ceiling cd rack that also has all my dvds and games

i have an entire shelf of fall out boy albums LMAO they are the only band that im a real discography completionist for to the point i have a spreadsheet for all their physical releases, i FINALLY have all their deluxe editions and eps so i am gonna start on the singles when i. become employed

my shows and movies (and a fleetwood mac greatest hits album). why do i have 10 copies of baby driver on dvd. Don't even worry about it

just under half of my albums laid out which. goddamn when did i get this many

some of my favourite vinyls !!!

my fall out boy singles i love 7" records so much they are literally just small

this was one of my first records ever i love this album So much everyone go and listen to transangelic exodus right now

razzmatazz and violent things! these r both relatively hard to find my razzmatazz pressing is limited to 500 copies :^)

this is technically a mispress! all the black & gold marble vinyls that came from the eu store have a splatter pattern instead of the marble (which is OK bc i like it better LMAO)

AND FINALLY MY PRIDE AND JOY MY IOH PICTURE DISC i spent so long looking for this i would not shut up about not being able to get it and then one day my friend ever so kindly bought it for me. best day of my life when it came in. packaging is a little messed up bc it is old however i love her dearly

apologies for the ramble but u did ask me to talk about my autism collection so i cannot be held accountable LMAO

[nrdmssgs]

OC ask game

Second part of answers for this request. This is quite upsetting, sorry. There are serious triggers out there: mentions of real life events, mentions of mental struggles, mentions of unhealthy behavior.

#B What inspired you to create them?

Ok, this is the fourth time, i'm starting answering this question. Lets do it like that: I'll give a short safe answer and a long one, but with TW.

So, short answer: personal trauma and a few characters/situations from popular culture.

Now to the long one. When I started this blog, I promised to myself to keep it politics free. So I'll really try to make it the first and the last time.

First and the foremost important: I know, I'm not a victim in this situation. There are people out there, whos lives are turned to hell on earth, who don't know if they see the next sunrise. So my whining about 'feeling bad about it' means nothing, and it's not a request for compassion or pity. I know, I must be nothing but happy and grateful for my calm and full life. I promise, Im working on it.

Four years ago I moved from my country to Germany. A year and a half ago my country invaded a neighboring country and started a heinous, bloody war. A number of war crimes committed by my country is multiplied daily. Never before I thought, I could cry every day, for multiple times, could stop eating, struggle to sleep. I never had depression, don't know, how real emotional problems feel. But the start of that war changed something in me, because in a few months I started committing to some unhealthy thoughts and patterns. I absolutely understood the reasoning behind possible hate towards anyone with the same citizenship as mine, I still do. I know we must feel bad, guilty not till the end of the war, but for the rest of our lives. And I swear, I do. But at some point my hate, I channeled towards myself, started to be destructing. I couldn't get professional help, as it is complicated to express your feelings in another language. I understood, that I struggle to do anything other than read news and cry. And it's actually a problem, when you are a grown adult, who is supposed to work on a thesis, do an internship, fight your cats cancer and find a job. So I clutched my teeth and just tried everything to just keep going. And one of the things was finding a hobby and reanimating this old tumblr blog.

I liked almost everything in CoD. Almost, because there was Nikolai. My problem with Nikolai was that we shared an origin, yet he wasn't a bad guy in the story. And by the time I started falling down CoD hole - I was already neck deep into self neglect because of my origin and everything, that happened. So it frustrated me, he wasn't depicted, and he wasn't feeling himself as a bad man. So when any discourse on tumblr came to him - I usually just went completely silent. That was until I found two blogs writing beautiful stories about him. My initial reaction was 'ok, those people are just super-nice and maybe they don't know about where he comes from'. But then I read one story. And all the comments. And another story. And, once again, all the comments.

I was startled. I sat before my screen and just cried. Because I saw people, looking far beyond this characters country of origin. And they loved him for who he is. By no means he was a perfect, no, but they LOVED him, they gave zero fucks, where he was born, they cared for what he was actually doing.

And at some point I thought, I have something to say about the guy, I have a story about self-acceptance, acceptance of others around you, and it means a world to me right now, because it hurts so much.

So I opened new file and started talking to myself in it. And I manifested all the pain I was dealing to myself into this poor thing, my Zhar. At first, I didn't even let her have a name or an appearance in my head, because I thought, she never deserved it. I wanted her to entertain me and others, speak to Nikolai about trust and fears. The main role in a Heart was always Niks, as it was him, who practically said her 'hey, I know, it hurts. I know, it's really bad. But I'm here to accept you, to show, you still can do something good. And I'm here to love you on this way and beyond it'. It was the hardest message to write, because i myself still struggle to 'sit before a mirror' and say it all to myself. But maybe, just maybe, its a step in a right direction.

The more I wrote, the more details Zhar got. By the third chapter I already knew, how her voice sounds, how she looks. I didn't add it in the story to not spoil it.

I took inspirations from many characters, I deeply love. There is a bit of struggle of Senua from Hellblade, there is a bit of my favorite scene with Cersei from GoT, there are little droplets of Claire Underwood being uncanny and friendly at the same time. All my favorite things. I also bring together a small playlist for Zhar that helps me a lot. But thats that - her and my story. I wish, I could tell, it's just a self-insert, but sadly it's not, at least not in a traditional way.

#F What do you feel when you think of your OC (pride, excitement, frustration, etc)?

Well, now that I told her story, its only fair to admit - my heart is full of compassion for her. I wish I could hug her. I think, if I ever won her trust - we'd have quite a talk. I wish I could make it hurt not so bad, but I guess, its Nikolais work now. Hope, he doesn't give up on it.

[authorofdragons]

you know what? lifes shit. come make something with me

So for context, these are my comfort dolls I crocheted over a year ago: Bonehill and Zerako.

theyre also the main characters of my webcomic Skull & Pyro but you dont gotta worry about that rn all you gotta know is that theyre husbands. (if you wanna worry about it its ok go check out my pinned post)

So I love making them minature things and I'm a horrible little christmas goblin so I wanna make them a mini christmas tree (and a whole scene to boot but lets start with a tree).

Here you can see the leaves fighting against their creator as I bring them into this wretched world (aka my loops kept falling off my hook). I went off of The Lazy Hobbyhopper's pattern here. Base of the tree is made with bulky green yarn I found in a bin and then worsted weight white yarn to make the leaves look smaller to make sure the green would be seen underneath. I Also skipped every other row when making the leaves to further achieve this.

Next I need a sturdy interior so the tree is firm for decorating. There could be better materials for this but my brain will use any and everything I have on hand before it'll buy new materials so my grubby lil hands grabbed some cardstock and made it a cone

Next for the trunk I used the left over cardstock to make a tube and then grabbed a old CVS paper bag to give it trunk texture and color. The final touches are with crayola marker because thats just the crisis situation we're dealing with here.

Now the base of the tree is made, rad, cool, looks neat.

Ignore the fact that my camera decided my walker is the star of the photo this is what happens when I screenshot my videos.

We need a topper and I refuse to make a normal star bc my boys are agents of chaos so I asked my mom what it should be and she suggested a mushroom gnome. She knows me well.

I make a lot of these little guys purely bc my brain eel has decided they are The Shit right now. This is my own pattern that is minimal sewing because I Hate Sewing Extra Shit it just makes more steps in my mind which makes the brain eel angery. So I bullshit stitches and run with it. If I can learn to translate the horrors that are my patterns into words, maybe one day Ill share it. Unfortunately the horrors are winning

Now for ornaments and lights. I could crochet those but brain eel doesn't want to so Target it is.

Now on with the lights, these fairy lights were bright as fuck and with the white leaves I felt assaulted with color ASDFJFLGK like listen I love color but Im used to green trees and didn't realize the frosted leaves would just Become The Entire Light Spectrum

they are entranced.

So I just swapped the fairy lights with my taco lights that were on my own mini tree and honestly, that fits better in every way given Zerako notoriously loves tacos and its much less stimulating. And the fairy lights look great on my tree.

Of course I need cheesy couples photos of them putting the tree up because it Is their tree, they deserve this moment.

you're doing great boys (they are not doing anything)

NOW for ordaments. Percieve them putting on the ordaments.

Now pretend you never perceived them (for I am doing the rest).

All together it looks great!! The colorful ordaments really help balance the plain yellow/white lights.

I adore how this turned out. Life is still shit but my boys have their own tree so I'll live with it 💚 I got more christmas crafts planned for these two so follow me for more mild serotnin inducers.

Hope life's a little less shit for you today 💙