#im now reading another local novel but in english

[diodellet]

hmm not sure i like how my brain seamlessly reads in english🤔

[queenofallwitches]

an update and primer:

so the last winter was weird. I had a complete breakdown, went into psychiatric hospital for 40 days in total. two seperate times.

learnt a heap of new things, met a tonne of cool people and had amazing conversations and few fights but overcome my own demons by that.

brain speaking-I have a scarred brain stem and neurological disorder is not a mental diagnosis, but a neurological disorder, proven by MRI scan, ADHD.

also damage to my basal ganglia, and prefrontal cortex.

neurological diagnosis means ADHD is not a "mental" health issue, as some believe, rather a neurodevelopment disorder caused by structural differences in the ADHD brain.

other neurodevelopment disorders include: Tourettes, Autism, Cerebal Palsy, Dyslexia and other Motor and Intellectual Disabilities. (Which recieve, in my view, a lot of insight, media information and stigma reduction by the advocacy networks surrounding these types of disability).

Over the last few years Autism has been over everything, I've seen mainstream media cover Tourettes and yet ADHD is still HUGELY misunderstood, misconceived and misrepresented in media, be in from the angle of documentaries, personal insight of a "typical" case, films, tv, and other media.

one of the first things my dr told me was "in females it rarely presents as hyperactive red-cordial OD child"

which is what my mother BELIEVES, that is because I have an adopted cousin with the ADHD dx who was that growing up, but the representation I'm told is also divergent for women with a higher IQ score than the average IQ. I come in around 142 and tested 123 at age 3 when I was unable to focus, pay attention and had severe trauma. I tested 142 in grade 8.

I'll share my experience as a female who is intellectually gifted, with higher IQ than average, and an adhd brain:

I've been told gifted and talented "genius" children are harder to diagnose because the symptoms present differently, we hide it better (camouflage) and our focusing can be "faked" by mediocre efforts of academic success.. this is true, I would do the assignment the Sunday night hours deadline, last minute, or have my parents half do it for me, plagiarise it (fuck I've killed my whole academic career now) copied but changed my words

from old 1970s encyclopaedias I KNEW they couldn't cross reference (I went through 15 years of school never studying doing homework or assignments and still had top grades).

I literally did not listen, and spent my classes planning the end of the world survival strategies with my GT friend who, basically helped me with my calculus and hard fucking maths, which was the ONLY 50 minutes of the day I put attention into my work.

now I'm going to be heading back to full-time study in the coming months, I get anxious as the pressure of a Bachelor level degree, and the pressure it takes me to perform, is enough to break me down. I've been advised it might be wise to start light (like a basic vet style diploma) and then build up, which is logical, but I keep thinking I'm meant to be doing my thesis by now. which is the kind of pressure one gets as a kid who is told repeatedly, "your intelligence is exceedingly the average and you can do ANYTHING you want"

I wanted to be an astronaut, a storm chaser, and an architect, a town planner and then a journalist. I always held to being a "FBI agent" or spy (I wonder why). so when I found psychology is really a blend of all these things, I kinda found a niche in a psych and social science double degree. but I'm thinking my academic career is LIFELONG, and due to the fact I also want to work in my field alongside my many written thesis coming, I'll be in academics for a long time. I may fail a few things, which I have to come to terms with. I do not fail easily, or readily, but I'm a perfectionist type-a academic who will put my whole life on the line to achieve "merit". I get exams, I get assessments, I read journals super-easy, I talk the talk and walk the walk so well psychologists who are at masters level compliment me on my "knowledge".

when it comes to mental health and trauma, I will always have the personal attachment, called lived experience, which will make failure and burnout, 100 percent realistic. I have to boundary up, bootstraps on, and prepare that yes, my personal "bias" will probably be entwined in this.

which is why I'm looking at the social science for the statistics and thesis writing side of things, and the counselling for the trained therapist side. either way, the degree of counselling requires so much self-insight, and then the social-science will back me away from personifying it. the other choice is criminology, which leads to forensic psychology, which is eternally fascinating. my main concern is the pro-pedophile content Ill be up against, which will look at the anatomy of a shoplifter akin to the devil, and leave the pedophile in the DSM-5 dx "paraphilia" box.

I'm not joining or jumping to anything.

either way I've got 2 year of credit, a heap of pathways and a lot of "academic momentum" from all my life being aimed to be "academic powerhouse". I went through my files and found a lot of awards I'd won in my high school, and top place in the competitions we would be entering in. I remember feeling so sad if I had a "credit" vs a distinction or high distinction, only to see now, a credit in university maths in year 9 is a skillset I don't have anymore so, good on me. or a credit in English, or Science at that age was pretty impressive, considering these tests were random and not studied for.

just a general skills assessment only the top 30 kids in the year were to take on a year by year basis and put out to vet from the top universities and taken by other kids in the same grade around the state.

it puts so much focus on my intelligence, because it's primed to be that way, I know that is true. I know I feel good being academically successful and it gives me a feeling of "achievement" but is it really for me?

I also found 2 letters from my local politicians offering me job placement, work experience and I was 1/4 kids in my 10th grade graduation tom get the letter, and due to my behaviour I pissed ALL the idiots who bullied me off. I was "too pretty to be a nerd" "too smart to be pOpUlAr".

so I made a group of misfits, who are all highly intelligent, creative and my group had the ONLY gay male in the school AND THIS IS BEFORE YOU FUCKING RETARDS MADE IT "COOL". he was bullied badly, so fuck you, you fucks claim "liberalism" but I bet you were the type of idiot who bullied guys like him in high school while you pretended to like my chemical romance and fake cut yourselves. I hate you all, forever.

my grade was full of idiots who were fake emo, who left the scene the moment the scene changed to dub-step and club music. I was there, watching you all, like sonny Moore, went from FFTL to that dubstep skrillex shit he started in 2009.

I dated you, hooked up with you and I went to your gigs. I know who was real and who was fake. I met some of you years later and realised the more emotive ones were the less "alternative appearing".

I can say 1/10000 emo guys from the 00s were genuinely Into the music and scene for the right reasons based on my dating history and this can and will be analysed statistically using SPSS one day to prove a lot. I've had too many relationships from each sub-culture and I have had 4-11 males at a time per public "output" of my energy pursue me over life.

I'm not being cocky when I say I have a long line of "suitors" and its banked back about 50 men. it's been a thing I've avoided as it seems to grow based on my body shape, attitude, appearance, so I am currently out of touch with dating scenes, no interest to try that ANYWAY, given the fact that I have had so many LONG TERM relationships ANYWAY. I can't see another one going well, and at this case, I'm living with an ex but we never went on conventional and now our families label this 3 things: "asexual", "polyamorous" and "open relationship". I'm also "bisexual" but this all to humans outside, looks ridiculous on paper. (wild orgies and lots of swinging or some stupid sex magick probably is what J brother literally thinks we do).

bc humans are intrinsically designed to need to label things they don't understand. we share a lease, not a relationship, and fucking polyamorous, I WISH. there are no girl-girl-guy 3 some, or orgies, or sex magic parties.

this has changed the attitude and perception of this "relation' which Is non-romantic, non-sexual. he can date and likely, will, as can I , and I likely won't date.

I would say 14/15 have had ADHD, or other mental illness and or trauma. which means to me, nothing at all.

I think this "open book" non romantic relationship style of "friends and roommates" not sexual.

attachment is misunderstood by others but works well fro my adhd, meaning I'm not expected to marry, or be a wife in any capacity. he is free to do what he wants, as I am, and open communication is a novel frontier I brought into this in the start, and stayed with for the duration. we fight, but I fight with a lot of people in my life over many petty things. also down to my adhd, I believe, I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, which makes me hypersensitive to rejection, perceived or real.

im not sure if this is trauma or adhd or both. but

I have used sexuality as a weapon in many relationships but it cannot or will not be used here, so I have had to resort to uncovering parts of myself which I never knew, which will stay with me even if he decided to marry and wife up in 5 years, which I'm okay and expecting him to do, and I would much rather that then be trapped in a situation where I cannot be that "wife/mother archetype" as I'm too "femme fatal/other-woman/sex-laced seductress and siren" a "FWB, unicorn, drug buddy, hook-up where im a therapist" or "intellectual and cognitive mind-bender work-study obsessed woman".

both at once and many types of human, including one who is a full-time ceremonial magician of 7 years. I will drink, drug, fuck, fight like males and still be more feminine and high maintenance than 89% of women. I grew up a tomboy and don't mind getting into fun, adventure based situations, like hiking, or anything adrenaline, I would only be reluctant to eat weird shit.

I also have many "neurological" issues including ADHD, and trauma which causes a rupture in the average human and I dating.

I'll tell you how many men have said "you are the unicorn" and then realised what that means, I went as far as canvasing the PUA world back in 2014 after reading the game, a book on PUA, which is essentially, pick up artistry, based on NLP and hypnosis. I did this after reading the copy my ex in 2008 handed me before we dated saying "I gave this up for you". it took me years to open the book, buy when I did I truly believed the only way I would fall in love again, was through PUA. that failed in so many ways but gave me a training foundation for men who were candidates for that, I have trained up J, and the way that sounds is BAD. I know, but I got a lot of value myself, I just don't see it how I wanted to see it.

but that was my original intent, and I achieved this he knows that, knew it was happening and evolved for the best self.

I am thinking we can modulate this into a business model for how I was operating in the BDSM world was mainly psychological, not physical.

I get told all of is incredibly intimidating (I am told) to women and men.

I don't really care anymore, because people have always seen this part of me in the wrong way ANYWAY, but I own who I am NOW. which is what I needed ANYWAY. so it cannot be stolen again, and sexual healing has come from abstinence ironically.

I also don't care what or who is trying to tear up my relations, toxic or not toxic, all people around me will be on a healing journey by default, or cut out of my life, for I am radiating that energy so brightly its impossible NOT to feel that pull.

I will drag your shadows into the light, and make your secrets spin from your lips into my consciousness. its not what I do but its what is design.

I make your weaknesses mountains to climb over. you cannot hide from these in my presence, I won't be this controlling or obsessive female who wants 24-7 attention as I have a life full of meaning without love or sex. I don't want to be wined, dined or expensively gifted, unless specially requested.

I don't want love letters or romantic declarations, this isn't some femnazi bullshit, but it triggers me. I appreciate the efforts and won't make you feel bad about your insecurities, for mine are probably 30 x more pronounced.

I appreciate small things, that most males won't or don't know how to do. like remembering things I've said and being thoughtful. or knowing my silence isn't personal, or a game, but a protective wall. I've had songs sung too me, guitars played, songs written, or things made in ways that are heartfelt. but I've always had them used against me too. so it is the context. I value time, energy, conversations of depth and reciprocal exchange. I also value trauma understanding, my alters and fragments being accepted and valued as me as a whole and a person who is not afraid, or scared of stupid stuff like sensitivity, emotions, feelings as raw as my own. men feel intensely too, lol.

but will only give oral sex 100 times before I don't recieve it, I can communicate now so that wouldn't happen.

but I won't be a bitch about this stuff. I am extremely feminine and care in ways other people, do not, I forget nothing people tell me, so it can be a reward or reverse uno card pull in a fight, but I am not evil or deviant in my relations. I react, depending on how you treat me. I don't need your money, or providing source of income to be okay as I am my own queen, however sharing resources is okay to build something. I don't need to be seduced, but will need to be shown a person is trustworthy.

few cross that.

that will always be time-endurance and testing. there are ground rules I don't play with, or play games. or like being forced or forged into something I'm not. I know abusive and I know safe, and I am a psychology expert, trained psychotherapist and study humans for fun, so I'll always be analysing things.

and I know red flags and I know ego, I know how to placate and please and pleasure, but will only do so, for a bigger and better reason than the mere act of seduction. which is without value and transactional to someone like me, I won't lie.

and I know every tactic in the book, for the book was written by someone like me, many lives ago, and my karma is being burnt for that book.

in terms of walls, I have many, may it be called a maze. or labrnyth.

I will teach you things you never thought you'd know, and change your life in ways you won't ever be able to go back to before. I will blow your mind, sexually, emotionally, intellectually, on all levels, and I'll make your friends and family love me.

I'll bring your walls down and you won't be able to understand this, because you don't understand me, and thats ok.

but I'll always understanding you and make your life better because thats what I do anyway, and people talk to me about things I will never share, as I keep secrets. I am jealous, of everything but, only because I am attached in a disorganised way, and working on that.(I won't even mention how man women or men don't know basic psychology of themselves). I also am a therapist , for my friends and family too.i should not be , but I am. I care, I listen, If you think I'm not listening, I'm still listening. sometimes I interrupt, because I have ADHD and I am horrible at resolute planning, or being "normal". but I don't want to be normal anyway. I need you to recognise and understand my shit, for that is what I do for everyone in my life, and I have helped more than I receive.

I'll probably accidentally give you therapy, but thats fine, because you will uncover your depths and find meaning in this. it's not something that goes bad unless you are fundamentally, evil, even the most abusive relationship I was in, was benefited from this process. yes he's still narcissistic, but he is self-aware. and did I benefit, never, just know the anatomy of self-proclaimed narc and I still can't hate him. will get my civil claim one day.

I will fuck your mind without meaning too. but thats because I fuck my own mind. but the meaning is made in the man- some find this highly offensive or personal (its not). I fuck minds by my own overthinking, or over perception on many levels of reality. so join the ride, or don't come along at all. because once the rollercoaster is in motion, I have no control of what may or may not happen. it's purely experimental.

I am experimental.

and the women who are judging me, are not any better.

look within, and shut the fuck up. self-improve and quit this jealous divide and conquer bitchiness. I HATE gossip, bitches, snitches and fakers.

I look to other women who are intellectually, physically and spiritually "individual". and find value in superior status to my own, which is something my narcissistic ex taught me.

I look for mentors, and teachers and people who will teach me how to improve myself, which I am fearful to reconnect after something is amazing and I can't give anything back of positive value. I am sorry I am working on that.

I won't devalue those below me, but I also need to be mutually benefiting from a relationship.

I dont drag people down, I may disappear if I feel I am doing this by mistake. I am flakey as fuck, and sorry for that. its anxiety and lack of perfectionism, so I am wrong and bad for this. I can change. will change.

if you can find value with my relation, personal professional or romantic, we can move into a symbiotic beneficial agreement based on mutual "terms". but many won't or cannot see this, nor do I impose my bullshit into the lives of randoms at this age.

I don't care if this is cruel, it's real.

I value loyalty, compassion, self-insight/awareness, someone who understands all parts-spirituality, metaphysics while still having intellectual & logical & analytical brain-sight.

I enjoy music, magick and learning new things.

I do not care about appearances I dont think ive dated based on one time. I do value connections and chemistry which is far-few between, I hate fakers. I smell insincerity miles away. but I do respect women who are well-presented, or beautiful, with hair beauty and makeup, I can't do this shit well, so I look up to those who are in professions who do it like art. I find them to be genius level queens who scare me.

I call out bad behaviour and make people uncomfortable if they are repressed. I will change you without even meaning too, I don't even need to date you. its just my presence, over time, amplified by the intensity of the dynamics.

I don't want simplicity, but I also don't need over complexity.

I value passion, independence, creativity, curiosity, problem-solving, deep-disscussions, shared adventures and some occasional risk-taking (lol), sensuality and sexuality for a common cause beyond physical pleasure. I like being taught but not micromanaged. I need my own independence, and need to be trusted with that. I hate being scolded for that like a child, or being pushed to change my ways to conform to societal values. which I will push back and refuse to do. which is not healthy. I don't adult like many others do, but I try to proceed in other ways. and learn to adult like normal people, accept me.

I also value myself, and how I can be celebrated, enhanced and improved vs. the opposite.

I give space, and have boundaries, and understand human psychology, sexuality and relationships in ways few others unless they are trained, can do.

I value MY time. so you can have space to value YOURS. I dont need to be in anyones pocket for a long time. I love being alone, and being around people who are stimulating, but draining people will be drained out of my life quicker than I intend. I am sorry for the people who felt I disappeared, when I was only trying to be 'fair', if I feel I'm a bad influence, I will work on myself until I'm not. I'm still working on it.

I also use this psychology awareness, to enhance communication, connection. you may or may not become an accidental guinea pig. I will be upfront that I am experimental, but that is part of the buy ticket and take the ride. lets work together. not apart.

I am coming from a place of love, and love is what I feel for my animals, which you will be adopting as children.which I want to stop experiments being done on. I love love, in all ways, but hate cruelty of animals and children, violence and suffering. I dont advocate justice, because I find life is fucking cruel, unfair and unjust. by default, so I focus on myself. what can be changed, and what I am able to do in my own locus on control. I will always find myself drawn to the outsiders, the misfits, the vagabonds, the misunderstood. I want to help people who are society, or socially, disadvantaged by trauma and mental illness, but only when I have ability to help myself.

it's a journey.

I will not date anyone who is cruel to animals, outside of specify magical sacrifice, there is not any place for that. nor will I date or fraternise with anything or anyone linked or associated with pedophilia. I won't judge anyone on anything that are outside animal cruelty and pedophilia. I don't and haven't. I keep on good terms with every ex, bar 1 whom I only apologised too this year. it felt good to do that. I change my behaviour.

I am open, but also highly attuned to both logical, factual, empirical , scientific worlds, and spiritual, intuitive, psychic and the "collective unconscious". I walk in both these realms, and I am "conventionally attractive". which puts a lot of pressure on me, to be "stupid". I am always dumbing myself down to fit into normality, but I look ridiculous if I do that so I peacock my intellect.

only to be misconceived.

I give up because I no longer care how anyone but MYSELF can see ME. I won't dumb myself down , but I can enhance you UP. prepare yourself for graded education, evolution and self-growth on mass scales.sorry not sorry.

that sucks for the people who want to be living vicariously through me, for making up to lost trauma years, for family who sold me out for the success I'd bring home, or fake trauma enmeshed friends, or whatever they want or need from me. I value my time and energy, and have given that in abundance, and if you want to be with nut only "one part of me that is alters". I can't provide that now. not sorry.

I have to work on something or not be in a dynamic at all.

I no longer can switch on demand to adapt for you, it will not be effective and that upsets a lot of people. especially now I'm sober. harder to handle this, as I see the world for its ways and why it is, more vividly. I haven't had alcohol for almost 2 months, although, I could drink, I haven't.

I can't do it, anymore. it, being, faking, my selves fronting to impress. I can't. I have no more left to give, and I'm expected by everyone to be a way I can't do it in the way they want.

I will go to another year long outpatient DBT, followed by 10 weeks of A-C-T therapy, and however many ECT OR TMS may or may not help. I'm told it won't (ect) work. but TMS, is something I am open too. but I am telling you, none of this psychotherapy, that will be based on dbt skills, day therapy, intensive skills training, recommencing my studying, and resuming "life worth living" will or can wipe the traumas I've "recovered" memories for.

I will also shut the fuck up, and tell nobody about this if you leave me alone, I told that to my family, and this is open letter to the watchers, stalkers and perps who read this openly as I track the hits on here and have 200+ visits a day every day for the last month. globally. no idea how or who you are but I think its the same people who called the police for the "ayreon song lyrics" seen to be a suicide not last October.

thanks for that wake up call, I have shut the fuck up, since December, more so now. I will burn the journals, or lock them up.

my recovery is not linear, not yet fully integrated and I trust nobody so I don't think my psychotherapy will be deep, I focus on things like ADHD AND my EDNOS. and dbt skills. I won't be talking about sexual traumas.

enjoy the update, and thanks for the "attention".

I have my goals, my work, my meaning and what my life should and could and will look like, but I will not share that with anyone. that means everyone right now.

I've been tested, traumatised and terrorised to the point of not-tolerant of anyone who may bring that back, and banish the fuck out of my sphere every moment I need.

take me as I am, or watch me as I go, which I will go, where I am not wanted I will remove myself, but I will find where I am celebrated because I create that.

I will rise up against all adversity every time but that is survival and that created a resilient and brave woman, in me. who will not be destroyed or decomposed by humans who are fundamentally fucking evil.

I gift you my truth, in progression, and give up the pain of the past.

[rigelmejo]

march 3/15/2021

im trying to read through tae kim’s grammar guide right now because i’m officially further in the nukemarine LLJ  memrise decks (there’s tae kim grammar guide sections in there) than i am in actually reading the grammar guide. And obviously these example sentences in the memrise deck would teach me more if i CLEARLY understood why they’re like how they are. which i... need to read the grammar guide section to understand lol.

my goal rn with japanese is? to get further in the nukemarine LLJ decks than i did last time. I’ve already mildly accomplished that (have done officially MORE of the tae kim section than before, have NOT redone the 190 common words i did last time i did this though). there are about 400 more cards in this tae kim section (LLJ 4) and then 1000ish cards in the common word section (LLJ 5). I would love to get them done. 

it would be sweet if i could get them done before April 22?/24? whenever Nier Replicant comes out because then I could play that baby in english and japanese! Then Nier Automata! ToT The Entire thing that kicked me back into wanting to study japanese was my old love for certain video games and desperately wanting to know what their stories/characters are like before translation/localization. So it would be cool if I could play them a little ;-; or at least check out lets plays. 

(which, checking out the kh2 lets play has been going pretty well so far... also that part where namine says “we aren’t meant to exist” and roxas says “how could you say such a thing? even if it were true” he says in japanese like “thats brutal/harsh to say. even if its true.” ...great to know that line is equally raw and heartbreaking in japanese lol. KH2′s localization did real good on like equal vibe to original just like ‘less nuanced’ if that makes sense. also thanks to the chinese hanzi i know now watching the KH2 lets play means i can figure out a lot of noun’s writing even though i don’t catch the pronunciation... also i’m catching a lot of words that mean like ‘beautiful/good’ as in like ‘great move’ and ‘dang’ lol.)

i had to stop myself from redoing the chinese flashcards i’ve done in the past! because i get ‘into a zone’ lol. And i really don’t need to waste time redoing those 2000 cards. i also needed to stop myself from doing the hsk 5-6 cards. because realistically? i know half of them, i should just set a lot to ‘ignore’ on the computer but im too lazy, and i’m learning a lot of vocab from reading right now. i don’t need hsk words to pass any test. The words i’m learning right now in reading are a lot more applicable to the actual shows i watch/things i listen to/things i read. its more useful to me to keep reading. and also to not sidetrack my japanese lol. i have read... 39 chapters this month... this month is only half over! hanshe is truly motivating ToT it also helps the story CONSTANTLY ends on cliffhangers so i keep clicking next chapter. who knows, maybe hanshe will help me kick up my reading speed. it already shaved off 10 minutes per 20 pages - now my 20 pages are down to 30 minutes to read, which is better than a few months ago. hanshe has 155 chapters so i HOPE it speeds up my reading lol.

hanshe is increasing my vocab though, its definitely noticeable over time. and hanshe has really good repetition of vocab which helps with learning and later the payoff means i never have to look up the word in future once its learned while it remains useful to me and i keep being reminded of it. after i get bored of hanshe OR i finish it, whichever comes first, its either back to a priest novel or into another pingxie fanfic written by hanshe’s author. The author did one fanfic that’s only 33 chapters so that would be NICE to do after this one lol ToT

summary of what’s turned out to be my studying methods this month:

Japanese:

reading through grammar guides (the one yue-muffin made and tae kim’s). so just grammar explanation reading.

doing nukemarine LLJ decks (in the ACTUAL order they are in the deck to completion - last time i did like 3 per time and never finished any lol. this is bolded because it’s the primary activity i’m prioritizing). so SRS flashcards. it’s working well right now because i can just put this activity in anytime i have downtime, like when i pause shows (since we know me i gotta take a break from a show every 20 minutes lol). i am bafflingly in a flashcard mood and i’m trying to take advantage of it while i got it. 

*when i feel like it: watching kh2 lets play. so some immersion where i look up words. (and when Nier Replicant remaster releases next month I’m likely to at least a tiny bit try to play it in japanese ToT lol we’ll see)

so grammar reading, srs flashcards covering some grammar/listening/reading/vocab, and some optional immersion.

(a note: i gave up on the japaneseaudiolessons for now because i got bored. its a great resource! i just don’t feel like it right now. and from an efficiency perspective, nukemarine LLJ decks cover vocab, grammar, audio, reading - so I don’t need another resource for that right now).

Chinese:

reading through hanshe. so immersion reading, intensive reading looking up unknown words. (unknown words are happening less so its getting less ‘intense’ lol)

listening to Chinese Spoonfed Audio. so listening to audio flashcards. for building up listening comprehension/repetition to pick up some more common words. (i’ve been doing this during daily walks making it much easier for me to consistently do, doing it mainly to supplement the Reading Heavy study i’m doing, i can drop this and pick it up later if i want since its mostly easy background listening)

*I am slowly rereading the grammar guide on www.chinese-grammar.com for explicit grammar clarification. but this is not a high priority, since I sort of implicitly understand a lot of this and i’m not working on fixing production mistakes yet. i just... miss knowing wtf is going on in the grammar lol.

*when i feel like it: Listening Reading The Glass Maiden/Love and Redemption Novel. I’ve done 2-3 hours of it this past week, but i don’t know when or if I’ll just stop. Thankfully l-r is beneficial somewhat even if i switch up books later. i WANT to L-R you have no idea (to Silent Reading and Guardian REALLY badly lol). But its so time intensive, and requires a lot of focus, and i have to really plan to do it for an hour at a time usually. I am so bad at doing stuff for that long consistently. I was in the mood earlier this week! ToT 

*when i feel like it: watching chinese shows raw. I was super in the mood this month because Word of Honor came out, and Killer and Healer came out, and Rattan came out, and I didn’t want to wait for subs. As a result I watched a LOT of raw episodes this month. However, english subs have caught up and since I’m lazy I’m inclined to just watch the subs - especially since youku ITSELF just put english subs on their most-ahead viewing schedule version of the eps on youku vip. so guess who’s buying youuku vip today? -3-)/ That said... even if I stop for a while, if Rattan subs move too slow I’ll probably watch those raw. And as SOON as 2ha’s drama Immortality drops I am highly likely to watch the raws for that since I likely won’t be able to wait. Watching shows is pretty highly dependent on how much I want to watch something and if subs take a while lol. 

so reading, and listening. and a little listening-reading method too. mainly just working on reading, listening, vocab acquisition. chinese is going good - for a few months now i’ve just had the plan ‘read often while looking up unknown words, and add some listening study activity when i have time.’ It’s simple, and its been working well.  later on down the road i’ll need some explicit grammar clarification again, but this is bare bones enough of a study plan at the moment. i’m clearly picking up words and phrases and hanzi at a reasonable pace. its not the Fastest obviously, but it is causing improvement over time and since i’m enjoying it i see no reason to change it up.

ending things

...who knows WHY i am so well focused this month with so much energy... tbh... i track how many chapters i read a month/audio i listen to/show episodes i watch etc, and this month is like as much as 3 other of my usual months combined. also my japanese has been basically ‘dabbling only’ prior to this month.

 although... maybe in part its how i’ve gotten better at reading hanshe? Reading being easier certainly motivates me TO read more. And watching shows was MUCH easier this month (still not ‘easy’ but following the main plot is) which definitely makes me Want to watch more. Also i am... unbelievably motivated by a challenge. I think i got it in my head that i ‘really want to do more of Nukemarine’s LLJ courses and see how much i understand after them’ and now... i really want them DONE. so maybe the current things motivating me will hold out for a while. 

(On the listening-reading front meanwhile, that activity takes SO much concentration its hard to do if i’m tired, BUT i have so many TRANSLATED novels i want to read recently and honestly its fun hearing the chinese narration and audiobook actors so like... i very much Want to do l-r so i can hear them as i read the translation... immovable object of me tired versus how much i’m interested in them lol ToT).

also thank u thank u @a-whump-muffin for sending me those lets plays because honestly it got me so excited again and its so cool to see them!!! <3 <3 and its so much easier to watch them versus committing to playing a whole game myself just yet ToT 

[saltyslack-toast]

#Knock The Book 2: The Devil All the Time

WELL, I MADE IT TO THE 2nd BOOK REVIEW OF MINE, MEANS THAT I’M A PASSIONATE AND PERSISTENT BITCH, PERIODT. No actually I’m just bored and got really nothing to do, so here I am making judgmental, invalid and uncritical book review just to ease my guilt for doing nothing at home (just so my mom see me working through my laptop).

Okay The Devil All the Time is actually my first English book. The story of how I got this book as a matter of fact is quite irritating and funny at the same time. My uni friend, she saw this book in a modest book bazaar near her hometown. She was reading the title and the word ‘devil’ just remind her of me, she bought it and just gave it straight to me…... I’m sad but like thankful???

It’s a secondhand and hardcover book but I don’t really mind, considering the fact that the quality is still very nice though, except the worn spots stained all over the cover that make the book looks very old. My friend bought this only for RP 25.000, yes dude you’re not misread this shit, it was THAT CHEAP (whoever sell and own this book before me, I really appreciate it). Although if you want to buy the new one, you can get this book for USD 26.95 which converted in rupiah would be RP 407.500, yeah its cost pretty fancy for broke students like us and I don’t know if the book’s supposed to be available in your local bookstore but I think you can find it in worldwide shipping online store like amazon or any other shop perhaps. The book’s cover illustrate a dying white mutt hanging on the ‘log’ and bunch of cross everywhere, the cover is actually make sense when you read the book. It published in 2011 by doubleday in United States of America. The Author is Donald Ray Pollock, and you can find the sum information about his background written on the cover, but based form the book’s cover you can also check his website in donaldraypollock.com but when I checked, I’m not sure if it’s really his website since it just like pest control website (LMAOO I HAD NO IDEA FR). Anyway,

Let’s go breaking down the book!

“… Too much religion could be as bad as too little, maybe even worse, but moderation was just not in her husband’s nature”

The whole story in this book, basically give you portraits regarding the life of lunatics in the time after WWII. Nope, there is no sums up about the events happened in that moment so chill y’all non-historical enthusiast bitches. This book gonna give you a bizarre experience reading it, the first 10 pages of this book was already psychedelic, I assure that shit. Have you watched Games of Thrones series on HBO? It’s chilling right how Ned Stark, the protagonist of the main series died in the first season???? EXACTLY that was the vibes u got after reading the first chapter and get crazier every time u read forward. By the way, this book embodied 7 chapters and 55 sub-chapters, the chapter in odd and even numbers has 2 different main focuses on each characteristic exist, here I sum it up for you:

On the odd numbers chapters (1, 3, and so on), the central story of these chapters is circling among the family of Willard Russel, his Mom Emma and Uncle Earskell and also those 2 insane peeps Roy Laferty and Theodore. Willard Russel used to be a navy army and a bit skeptical dealing with religion issues just like his uncle, but his mom has always been a devoted worshiper. Willard married to the beautiful and kind-hearted women named Charlotte and they was given a son named Arvin Eugene Russel, everything was normal until Charlotte got sick and Willard gone crazy praying to god for his wife’s recovery and poor little Arvin has to suffer the predicament by his own self. Their stories always give me religious-fanaticism-gloomy vibes (is that even make sense??). Don’t even get me started with the life stories of the two brutes-ass man, Roy Laferty and Theodore they were used to be ‘preacher’ in Emma and young Willard’s Church. Nothing I could say further because it’s gonna be a major spoiler for you, but their stories really giving you insights of how frustration and fanaticism allow people to do something beyond their common sense.

“You remember what I told you the other day?” He asked Arvin

“About the boys on the bus?,”

“Well, that’s what I meant, you just got to pick the right time”

On the even numbers chapters (2, 4, and so on), the main tales is pertaining on the journey of Handerson couple, Carl and Sandy. They were like the Bonnie and Clyde but sad and exploitative version in this book. Carl is a ‘photographer’ and sandy working as a waitress in a café called Wooden Spoon (Which the place where Charlotte used to work as a waitress and the place she met Willard for the first time as well). During summertime they got this ‘ritual’ ((but not in a religious way)) where they drive to different states and give a ride to the hitchhikers found on the way, then Carl forcefully offer them to fuck Sandy for free (HIS OWN WIFE) while he took pictures of them fucking and after that Carl kill them and take all the money those hitchhikers got in their pocket (dude I can’t even judge anything). But to be honest, I’m not a fan of these two characters because they were all so ANNOYING to death. And then there is Bodecker Lee who’s a police and also Sandy’s brother, ok that’s it, I’m not gonna give you any spoilers.

“… He went down the street and sat on a bench in a park the rest of the day thinking about killing himself instead. Something broke in him that day. For the first time he could see that his whole life added up to absolutely nothing…”

You might be confused since there are quite a lot of keen characters in this book but there’s a point where all these bitches are relating to each other, so chill y’all impatient gripe-ass. Overall, the flow of the story is undoubtedly interesting for you to keep going throughout the whole story, because every phase gonna make you wondering about next things happened to them. But, the transitions among every chapters is quite uncomfortable for me, because sometimes when the story has reached its climax there is no resolutions coming to solve the problem immediately, and you’re faced to read the new chapter with a whole different setting and characters so it’s kind of ruining the vibes and emotions the book has made me, but again this just my personal preference so please don’t judge (while everything I did right now is judging inaccurately).

“He realized that he would never preach again, but that was all right. He’d never been much good at it anyway. Most people just wanted to hear the cripple play”

However, what I like the most from this book is the deepening of every character exists is so fascinating, even for just the side or supporting character (for god sake I’m sorry idk what to called a character that isn’t the main one), for example a bus driver in Meade, Ohio which Willard talked to when he was on the way home after the war ended, the narration wrapped and portraits the driver’s life perfectly without make us bored, and there’s still a bunch of interesting narration about the life of the side characters in this book that also as odds and intriguing as the main character’s background (jesus, everything happened and everyone in this book is just so strange and peculiar I swear to god). The story finished in a most tragic-beautiful but still gloomy way, even though it’s quite predictable but still a very good closing for me personally. To be noted, on the way to the end of the story, there will be emerge another asshole priest character named Preston Teagardin, ready to shake you up until you finish the book. But still, let’s said this particular ‘last minute character’ has proving that the author is paying so much attention of how the story ended isn’t leaving any 'rush-made' impression (this shit might confused you I’m sorry my English hasn’t got any better *sorry hand sign* *sorry hand sign* *sorry hand sign*). # hashtag attention to the detail bro.

Holy crap, that’s the first time I’m almost able to cut all the bullshit I intend to bring it up here.

This book is one of my top 5 books that you have to read once in a life time (although I haven’t discover the other four, omg im sorry y’all). Little information for you that the first time I read this book (yeah I read it for quite few times) is when the campaign of presidential election era, which in Indonesia the religious are pretty sentimental issues, some of the people in my country suddenly became those annoying fanatical preachers, man I can’t stand it. And this book is just precisely relating to that condition and I get to know at least a glance of what the heck odds things happened in their minds, since you know fanaticism and stupidity doesn’t hit only on particular group of religions, race, gender or anything, we can all be stupid and brainless (especially me because I basically have no brain). There probably quite many scenes that is pretty disturbing to read (I don’t know if people could be triggered by it???? But I guess so) so yeah a bit warning. Overall, I genuinely recommend this book for you guys because every element in this book is almost perfect, the storylines, bold characters, and the RARE AND STRANGE AND SENSITIVE topic promote by the author in this novel is totally a BOOM. Don’t worry reading this book not going to give you those agnostic and atheist vibes HAHA chill I still consider myself a devoted Muslim tho (hashtag masyaallah ukthi).

By the way before I wrapped it up, I hear that this book will be made into a netflix film. WELL, of course I’m excited because the casts are so amazing, and I love Netflix adaptation and I enjoy watch movies as much as I read books (again, unnecessary information of mine *sorry hand sign*). I found that the release date is postponed from the origin plan in 15th May (which is three days ago from I posted this on my page) due to I don’t know perhaps corona because that bitch has ruined everyone in the world’s schedule, but for real I can’t find the exact information regarding to the updated release date, so while you wait the film to launch, why don’t you just go read the book first? I assure you this one not gonna give you any disappointment.

I think that would be it for this 2nd rubbish book review of mine. Although, I think I made a little progressive from the first one (OR MAYBE NOT???? I’M SORRY Y’ALL) but of course there’s still much deficiency I served. Still, I hope my writing get better in the process of making this whole novel of reviewing book inaccurately. To be honest, I wrote this shit not for getting any engagements or audience but for my own satisfied HAHA. So yeah I’m literally comfortable writing for nothing. But bitch guess what I’m just gonna keep going, until I could professionally writing and make it for a living? Well, amen for that.

Xiao, See you in Advance!

[alcttass-blog]

 Is that KYLIE JENNER?! No it’s just ALETTA ANTOUN. From our interview we have heard that the TANTALIZING is apparently a SOCIALITE AND INFLUENCER who’s been living a lavish lifestyle in LAS VEGAS with 67.1 M followers! Now that they’ve signed a contact to pricelesshqs fans will be ecstatic to see them on screen. But rumor has it they are hard to deal with as they’re FINICKY, IMPETUOUS, OBSTREPEROUS. Fortunately for us we’ve heard they’re actually EFFULGENT, COMPASSIONATE, VEHEMENT.  Let’s see how they survive our show while they arrive in the luxurious life of pricelesshqs!

hi hello !! im gianna and this is my angel love aletta !! i kind of rearranged her bio to fit so ?? if things dont make sense its my stupid ass fault asdfgh . on another note im super excited to jump into this and if you want to plot give this a heart or message me !! 

𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓫𝓪𝓼𝓲𝓬𝓼

full name  : aletta josephine antoun. nickname : aj, alet, letty. age : twenty one. birthday  : february sixteenth, nineteen ninety eight thus making her an aquarius. gender / pronouns : cisfemale / she and her. sexual orientation : heterosexual. romantic orientation : heteroromantic. spoken languages : english, italian, spanish. hometown  : las vegas, nevada. parents  : carmine gwyar and natalia antoun  . carmine  is  the founder of karma ( casino ) and carmine hotel , two million dollar businesses that are spread throughout not only las vegas, but the rest of the states. her mother is an retired model who happens to be an author that just published the third book to her series ‘the others’, an dystopian novel. siblings  : apollo bennett gwyar,  claudio emanuel antoun, atlas james gwyar, natasha maeve gwyar, angelo cyrus antoun, julius sebastian antoun.  goals  : to live fully. tropes  /  personality  :  the effervescent  ,  the rich party girl  ,   the globetrotter  ,  should of been business mogul , the icarian , the lover of all things beauty. 

𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓼𝓸𝓶𝓮𝔀𝓱𝓪𝓽 𝓼𝓾𝓶𝓶𝓪𝓻𝔂

gwyar , means “gore” or “spilled blood, bloodshed” in old welsh ; a definition that runs deeper than words written on faded pages , and instead carved themselves in human flesh. the name spreads silent fear across the streets of las vegas .. entangles itself within the eyes of the locals while being drowned out by the drunken happiness of tourists . spilling blood is what the gwyar’s have done for generations , from the moment diego gwyar’s foot landed on the broken sidewalks of las vegas it was said blood washed over the city like a storm . the family , they are tied into an lifestyle that screamed of violence , drugs , but most importantly power . no matter who’s face it stared at, it always had a habit of filling your lungs and causing you to drown in it .

aletta josephine was birthed to swim in the danger , to succeed . her father’s business was her legacy , his ties were her responsibilities . she was to fall in line , to make her daddy proud . and for a while , she did . she played the part, did her part . watched from the sidelines , included herself when she had to , she did it all . aletta drowned in the sensation of having such a power that it made those around her drop to their knees and beg . at sixteen she felt holy , at eighteen she felt sick to her stomach.  

the lifestyle was a high , sent her emotions playing  a game of how far can you drop once you hit your high . she should of felt blessed , protected , privilege , mighty . but all she wanted to do was run .. her brother use to tell her, “ letty, you cant have the highs without the lows .. especially with this.” it took a long time for her to understand that the diamonds that sat on her neck , the cars that sat in her driveway , the clothes that mountain her closest came with the blood , tears , the pain. she could not be the mob bosses daughter , without the mob boss.

at seventeen , she broke away from her fathers grasp . decided to chase her passion with hope that the darkness from her father would not follow . her family should her mixed reactions , splitting into two directions ; her mother spilled of happiness. excited to think of an future for her child where she was alive , healthy , living her life the way she wanted to .. and her father ? decided that if you did not stand with the business, his choices, that you did not stand with him. he made her choose, and so she did. she jumped into the influencing industry before launching aletta beauty , a dream that turned into an empire ..

𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓪𝓮𝓼𝓽𝓱𝓮𝓽𝓲𝓬𝓼

crazed oceans swimming under neath sun kissed skies , the soft smell of vanilla dancing across exposed skin , gentle nudes blending into hard oranges,  peach vodka lingering on plump lips , warm orbs drowning in dark features , acrylic nails tapping anxiously , gold jewelry sitting on long fingers ,  cursive tattoos carved into ribs , quiet cries drowning in a dark sky , thunder distracting worried minds , affectionate touches , losing yourself in others for the sensation of warmth , loud music drowning out sorrows , happiness banging on brick walls for freedom , light giggles in the dead of the night , smooth lips pressed to bare skin , fingers interlocked with another , a constant craving to be loved dipping into skin , blood dripping down like water drops, soft lips on faceless bodies, sun kissed skin becoming on with sandy beaches, bold moans in the backseat of her car, simple shaped necklaces siting between collar bones, blunts between glossy lips, tired hands editing for hours on hours, stamped passports, white toes in clear ocean waters.

𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓹𝓮𝓻𝓼𝓸𝓷𝓪𝓵𝓲𝓽𝔂

to lurking eyes , the brunette tends to catch ditzy vibes and shallow tendencies . labels as such usually tend to hold some kind of truth, but when it comes to aletta? there’s more that meets the eye than assumptions from afar. her feet run on carelessness, blood intertwined with impulsiveness ; her wands wrap around your throat and for odd reason you cannot help but fall in love with the sensation. ebullient in human form , a crazed ocean that pulls you in. you want to lose yourself in her : her boisterous chatter in the sea of friends in an melody to your ears , and when the sun lowers and the bass of music dances in the air her giggles laced with vodka lingers. it’s said that the sound itself is intoxicating. like, for some reason, whether its her light in your lungs or her darkness around your throat, you cant let her go. she strives to be good, to be kind . but she is a child who was induced with happiness and then slowly picked at , lost innocence , witnessed monsters with human faces and so she comes to understand she will not always be good nor kind. she will be hard to read at times, hard to please. some nights, she may tell you about all the way she loves you and the next? she’ll turn away. and despite it all, she’ll still want you to be there for her in the morning. she needs meaningful bonds with others, needs to feel like if one day she disappeared people would miss her. wouldnt be able to live without her. she wants to feel important. she believes in loving yourself, being kind to yourself. and so, she tries not to drown for everyone. its a hard task though, considering she gets attached easily . she wants you , she needs you , and then she gets scared. she’s passionate, feels the world around her on a level that most do not understand. and it makes her scattered? she can ride the highs, but sometimes she has to ride the lows to. she is a lover, will give you her all. put in the time and the effort. it makes her affectionate ; affectionate touches are what she lives for. not just romantically, but platonically too. she likes to goof around, wants to fill everyone around her with light. wants to save everyone. is an hard worker, ambitious, likes having something she can put her energy into and conquer. sometimes her work ethic gets a little out of hand. but at the end of the day, she is her fathers daughter ; and it bleeds through. she an be stubborn, jealous . she can be hurtful, even selfish. but she is constantly trying to overcome it.

𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓱𝓮𝓪𝓭𝓬𝓪𝓷𝓸𝓷𝓼

she a few of her other siblings have took her mothers last name instead, making it easier for them to stand in the media without the prying. but regardless, she is a gwyar no matter if she changes her name or not. 

she had been a daddy’s girl, from the moment she opened her eyes she was drawn to him. her mom would tease that she loved him more, and though that was never true her father was without an doubt her favorite parent.

when she parted ways, he decided that she no longer deserved the connection they once shared ; he cut her off. not financially, she was and still is gifted all of her luxuries. her part in the company still transferred into her account, she could still reach out to her mother for cash if needed. but the tenderness? the warmness? it disappeared. he refused to even look at her in her eyes.

she is highly protected , constantly has her siblings and what they call ‘bodyguards ‘checking in on her since she moved from their family house ; and even now you will see strange men whom seem like they were pulled out of the secret service drop in on her.

her eldest brother apollo, in more ways than one took on that father figure roll for aletta. being opposed to his fathers treatment, he stepped in. she has an appreciation for him that runs deep.

despite her being insanely close to apollo, aletta and her twin have a bond that no one can touch. with them, it has always been us against the world. she would die for any of her siblings, but for her twin? she’d kill for them without hesitation.

her want to live to the fullest point, has come from seeing the life being drained from others. she does not ever want to see herself in that position. so she promised herself she would never.. she’d live impulsively, foolishly, carelessly .. but regardless, she’ll live.

traveling is the one thing she knows will fill her heart, to see the world and capture all the things that it has to offer will not be an opportunity she misses. it’s why she found herself really enjoying the life of touring .

one important thing about her is that she craves meaningful bonds with others, she likes to feel like if one day she disappeared that people would miss her? would be lost without? she just wants to feel important.

she spent a lot of her summers in italy with her brother, which is why she is fond of the language.

aletta beauty is much so kylie cosmetics asdj how original ? i know.

i see her being kind of an ?? rihanna in the beauty industry and a david dobrik in the youtube ! sitting on the line of sis really did that with her beauty line and i love that bitch when it comes with being an influencer. 

despite being the youngest , her father swore she was going to be the one to take over his business  . his plan was to always allow the twins to take over . which is why it hit him so hard when she refused to.

𝓽𝓱𝓮 𝓬𝓸𝓷𝓷𝓮𝓬𝓽𝓲𝓸𝓷𝓼

♡ wanted connections page ! 

and in case none of those catches your eyes, a list of generic plots !!!

♡ protective friendship, friends with benefits, close friends, old friends, distant friends, ex friends, ex friends with benefits, cousins, hardly related cousins, family friends, childhood friends, friendly competition, rivals, models who model for her line, artist she collabs with a lot, artist who have wrote a song for her, artist she has wrote for, frenemies, one night stands, summer flings, friends with lingering feelings, one sided friendships, one sided relationships, people who have used her, pr friendships, pr relationships.

[ademontgomery]

ADELAIDE MONTGOMERY is a 28 year old from BEAUMONT, TENNESSEE, living in Beaumont for the past 28 YEARS. SHE is a BOOK STORE OWNER and in her downtime loves WATCHING MOVIES and GOING TO DINERS AT 2 AM. She looks an awful lot like CRYSTAL REED.

this might get long because i am tired and get rambley when i’m tired but let’s go!

adelaide beth montgomery was born to a young couple a few months after their wedding. the pair still were of the notion that you had to get married to the person who got you or you got pregnant. they weren’t happy with each other, but felt it was the right thing to do. 

her mom has put her education on hold to be at home with their daughter, while her husband was out trying to just make a living, but this eventually turned to hard on the man, as he took solace in the arms of another, and left ade and her mom, never to be seen or heard of again. 

devastated and unable to take care of her young daughter, ade’s mother moved in with her grandma, the owner of the local book store in beaumont. as ade’s mom began to put more focus on her education, ade would spend more time with her grandmother and at the book store, finding her love of reading at a young age. 

she was a very shy kid, often being found sitting along at lunch or on the playground with whatever book she was reading at the time. making friends was hard for the young girl, either being labeled at the nerd or unable to get out of her comfort zone and talk to people, rather sticking to the characters and worlds she created in her own head. 

as she grew up, her mother finally went back to school to become a nurse. with the demanding schedule of the woman, ade was soon practically raised by her grandmother at the store. the young woman found the stacks of books her happy place and often would find excuses to be there, often taking up a summer job there when it was available. 

soon however, reading wasn’t enough, and adelaide began writing her own works, with the persuasion of her english teacher. a short story here or there, some even being submitted to writing contests and winning. 

she attended a college in nashville and earned a masters in creative writing, all while helping her grandmother at the book store, since her mother was always working or taking classes of her own. her grandmother also wasn’t in the best of health, though she wouldn’t admit it to anyone. 

while working on her degree, ade began working on her book she wanted to publish, a sci-fi novel that was essentially game of thrones in space. after sending it around, someone agreed to publish it! but it was highly unsuccessful. she has been unable to write ever since this happened a few years back. 

[tw death] her grandmother’s health got even worse, and passed a few months ago. the family had considered selling the bookshop, however, ade stepped in and said she would run the place, not wanting to give up some of her happiest memories to a stranger. 

PERSONALITY: she is honestly one of the biggest dorks you will ever meet and is just a ray of sunshine. she doesn’t like to let people know when she is down, but will be one of the first to help someone else up if she notices they are. 

WANTED CONNECTIONS

this is something i’m gonna send in as a wanted connection, but might as well toss it out here first but a childhood friend/first love. this person was one who got ade out of her shell and able to put down a book every once in a while. they would do everything together and were each other’s confidante in everything. people would always tell them they’d end up together, but the pair would just laugh it off, until ade realized she actually did have feelings for the other. when she was about to tell them, they let her know they were going to be moving away for college/to follow their dream. instead of holding them back, ade kept it all inside and never let them know, hoping her feelings would disappear. they have recently returned to town, and those feelings could begin to surface again. 

customers at the book store

roommate

childhood friends

enemies

workout buddy

movie buddy

honestly there are probably more than just these vague ideas, but i am v tired right now. but if you like these and/or would like to plot something out, like this and i’ll raid your ims!

[onceuponaprincessworld]

CaptainSwan One-Shots Recs p.11

Hello there! This is a new list of some astounding new and old One shots. There are all worth a read and a re-read. Hope you enjoy! 

If you are intrested you can find my other lists here.

No More Running, @ilovemesomekillianjones

What happens when Emma doesn't seize her opportunity to tell Killian exactly how she feels about him? Based on the prompt, “you’re in the hospital for the holidays so i came in while you were sleeping to decorate your room i love you merry christmas” - from this post: http://nadiahilker.tumblr.com/post/133627477715/im-always-a-slut-for-a-christmas-au-i-know-we 

anonymous swan, @swanandapirate

A Google Docs AU where Emma and Killian both get asked to beta-read something of David’s and start anonymously bickering about every conceivable grammatical and lexical and any other feature of the English language in the Google Docs Comment section but what happens after David decides to intervene? 

Love Is A Ghost You Can't Control, @xemmaloveskillianx

We slept together once and I ran because I was scared you didn’t feel the same way I did. Now I’m the Maid of Honor at my brother’s wedding and you’re the Best Man and I can’t stop thinking about what happened between us.

The One With the Blackout, @imhookedonaswan

What can happen when two strangers are stuck in an ATM vestibule together during a black out?

For Practical Purposes Only, @tnlph

Emma convinces (it didn't take much) Killian to marry her so that she can adopt Henry. This is a fuller version of a short one shot that is probably buried somewhere in the "TNLPH Drabbles" story. People asked for a longer version. So... a year later... hope you enjoy reading a little more of the story.

Shelter from the Storm, @initiala

“Emma.” Mary Margaret’s got her ‘teacher voice’ on, which is really intimidating to the ten-year old living in Emma’s brain most days. “When did we forget to pay the gas bill?”

Luckily, while Mary Margaret goes to stay with David, Killian is more than happy to offer Emma shelter three days before Christmas.

Keep On Fallin', @resident-of-storybrooke

Emma Swan may be a successful bail bondsperson, but when it comes to her love life not so much. After several failed blind dates Emma is ready to give up, but Mary Margaret convinces her to give it one more shot. Is Mr. One Shot going to be the one? Or is she willing to risk taking a chance with her blue eyed gorgeous neighbor?

The Bookshop Around the Corner, @polarbearmorgan

For the past five months, Emma Swan has been talking to RollyJoger online, little does she know, he's actually the man that just might run her small bookshop out of business.

Prompt, @nowforruin

My favorite trope! ‘Enemies’ who secretly love each other forced to come to terms with their feelings. Smooching fluff ensues. Bonus if their friends had a bet on when they’d finally get together.

Scar of the Heart, @curiousthingdarkness

Emma Swan hunts alone. Except on nights when Killian Jones, fellow demon hunter and pain in her ass, insists on joining her. When dealing with a particularly troublesome beast, they discover that perhaps there is more to each other than meets the eye. Captain Swan soulmate/demon hunter AU, one shot.

A Cat By Any Other Name, @msgenevieve447

It's midnight on her first night in her new place and there's a cat in her kitchen. Which would be fine, but she doesn't actually own a cat, especially one that looks like it's planning the best way to get rid of her body without getting caught. (warning - there are shameless allusions to a certain sci-fi show in this fic)

fish out of water, @captainswanouat

Killian Jones truly just wanted to live a normal life. Go to class, come home, finish his education, and hide the fact that he is, in fact, a merman. He was into his final year of school and so far, nobody had caught on to his charade; but all good things must come to an end sometime and truly, it was his own fault it happened.

Based on the prompt: “I know it's late and I don't know you but I hear you can talk to fish and I'm worried my goldfish is depressed”

Half the world away, @ladyciaramiggles

Emma and Killian's friendship has grown from work colleagues to best friends and as Christmas approaches they intend to keep each other company, there's just a small matter of an ocean between them.

The Holiday Season(s), @once-uponacaptain

Emma Swan is not fond of holidays. But maybe a routine encounter with a local bartender could change that.

Untitled,@emmasinthebooknow

Captain Swan modern celebrity!AU: Emma is a famous actress, Killian is the (not famous) guy she just started dating. Because of Emma’s fame, the press is making things difficult, but Killian finds an unexpected way of reassuring Emma that he isn’t going anywhere.

Prompt,  @awkwardnessandbaseball

Secret prince/princess.

Another Cliched Mountain Lodge Romance Novel, @spartanguard

Emma Swan, avid reader of romance novels, appreciates them for their vapid characters and incredibly unrealistic settings. She never imagined that she'd ever stumble into one—or that the man she'd find living alone in a mountain lodge would be the male lead in her own story. (Or how quickly it would escalate—and how okay with that she was.)

What a Year (for a New Year), @high-seas-swan

Killian Jones, Boston Bruins right winger, needs a break from the questions and concerns over his career-threatening injury. He thought Storybrooke would be the perfect place to escape to. What he didn't expect was Emma Swan, her kid and a holiday season he never knew he needed.

And I Don't Want To Go Home Right Now, @hollyethecurious

CS Hiatus Challenge Prompt - 'Iris' by the Goo Goo Dolls: Modern AU; Killian Jones had not left his apartment in two years, four months, and thirteen days. Not since he'd finally decided to shut himself away from the whole blasted world after a freak accident had left him without his hand, and for all practical purposes, his heart.

The Bench, @startswithhope

So, I’ve never attempted an AU before, so be gentle. I wanted to write a NYE fic and this is where my muse led me.

Prompt, @captainswanatk

city man/woman returns home to small town after being away. 

Plan B, @lassluna

It’s New Years Eve and Emma has plans. It’s a good plan, she’s going to bring her boyfriend to a New Years Eve party where her brother won’t be able to kill him.

Except now Emma is inconveniently boyfriend-less, and all her friends are expecting him.

Emma Swan needs a new plan.

kiss me (on this cold december night), @jennifer-morrison​

Maybe asking your best friend to pretend to be your boyfriend as you make a trip back home isn’t the smartest idea Emma’s had in a while. then again, how smart is Killian for actually saying yes?

The Unofficially Official Most Handsome Man in Storybrooke, @blowmiakisscolin

So, the prompt for this fic came about during a conversation with my dear friend Kristin last night. We were talking football, specifically about how the commentators of the 49ers-Texans game were very openly swooning over the hotness of our new quarterback for the 49ers (former NE Patriot Jimmy Garoppolo). They repeatedly brought it up throughout the game, even going so far as to do a “Handsome-Off” between him and Tom Brady. E-Network-style comparison clips of them running out of their respective tunnels and dreamy-soft-lit-close-ups of their faces included. It was borderline ridiculous and I loved it. K and I were highly amused by the swooning NFL commentators verbally drooling over Jimmy G. And then she had to go and plant the seed of:

“Yo, why did I just picture Leroy and the dwarves staging a Handsome-Off for David and Killian?”

Amas Veritas,  emmaofmisthaven

“What’s your price?”

He opens his mouth, but no word come so he closes it. He tries a second time, “I don’t know. Isn’t the first born a thing or…?”

Emma makes a face. “No, gross. Something else.” She pouts, then she adds. “How about your happiest day? Does it seem like a fair trade to you?”

[eegyo]

BRACE YOURESELVES BITCHACHOS -

CAUSE HERE COME ANOTHER BOOK REVIEW THAT NOBODY ASKED FOR - BUT IM DISHING OUT ANYWAYS 😘

Book Rec #2:

Deeper than the Dead by Tami Hoag

Rating: 9.7/10

Age recommended: ages 18+

WARNING: Book contains coarse language, mentions of sexual assault/violence, suicide, graphic descriptions of blood and violence, depictions of physical & mental abuse & sexual content (a.k.a smut)

Summary: Set in the ever exciting state of California 1985, 4 children and their young 5th grade teacher, Anne Navarre, discover the body of a woman in a shallow grave - with her eyes and mouth glued shut 👁👄👁.

All evidence pointing to a coldblooded serial killer living amongst the citizens - the once picturesque town of Oak Knoll is thrown into a frenzy of deception and paranoia. Where the stench of death and fear slowly chokes the residents of the small community.

Now in comes top FBI investigator Vince Leon (I pictured him to look like Jonn Hamm lol). Instituting the new (for its time) and controversial technique of “profiling”, Leon finds himself thrust into the private and much darker worlds of the locals - proving that things aren’t always as they seem. And that danger is often a lot closer to home than one would think.

My thoughts:

K first off, I loved it. A LOT-a-bit of death and gore☠️🔪 (not in a weird way), a generous amount of mystery and mind-games, a solid helping of your standard thrills, a dash of romance (and sex 😏🥵if you’re into that sort of thing lol), and A delicate dusting of single-tear-worthy moments (at least I cried) lol 🥲

Hoag had me thinking the entire time. Almost goading me to play detective. 🕵️‍♀️I felt like I had it all figured out and kept convincing myself that I did but always second guessed my conclusions after every single chapter. 🤔Which is what you want from a mystery/crime/thriller novel right?!

EASY READ (Mostly bc it’s addicting but also because it’s one of those smaller more compacts books) I burned through this motherf*cker like it was nobody’s business 🏃🏻‍♀️💨 and I loved every second of it! It truly was hard to put down! I mean obviously you’ll have those occasional throw away scenes, but Hoag almost makes you feel like if you skip one part you may be skipping the most imperative clue to cracking who the killer is. 🥸

This bitch is dramatic as f*ck 🤯 (I’m talking about the book fyi). If I had to describe the story in one word I’d either use avalanche or total clusterf*ck, there’s really no other way to describe it 🤷‍♀️🤦‍♀️!

I really can’t say anything bad about it (I ain’t no English professor or literary disciple), like am I a fan of EVERYTHING about the book? Almost, but not quite. Had a bit of trouble keeping up trying to envision life in the 80s, kept picturing late 60’s America lol. And obviously I don’t want to spoil anything but some outcomes I wanted just didn’t happen, but hey c’est la vie 👩‍🎨.

Overall, loved it and am so so sooooooo glad I bought it!! I only really bought it because it was part of a 2 for 12$ deal and it looked the least clichéd - and lo and behold, it’s now my FAVORITE book!

Cheers Tami Hoag, you got the next blockbuster on your hands🥂✨⭐️🤩

[iheartgod175]

2018 Netflix Bucket List Part 1: Animation Nation

After watching some of the original Idolmaster today, I felt inspired to tackle my VERY LONG OVERDUE Netflix Bucket List. Although to be honest, two of these that I watched were on Netflix; some of the others I’ve watched and/or dumped were on KissAnime, and the remaining ones were on either Crunchyroll or Hulu. So yeah...not really a “Netflix” bucket list in this regard...BUT PART TWO IS I SWEAR

I decided to start off with the “animation” side of things, since I watch a lot of anime and cartoons, and I felt it’d be good to talk about some anime (and the one cartoon) I’ve finished up. Some of them are from months (or possibly a year back), but I feel like I should still talk about them anyway ^^

So here we go!

Completed Series

The Idolm@ster Cinderella Girls

I liked this one. It was cute, the characters were charming, and I found six of my favorite characters from it (one of them being the Producer). That being said, I can see why it and the characters were seen as bland by other iM@S fans; the show doesn’t do a lot to really develop its large cast. The main beef I had with it was its treatment of New Generations, the group with Uzuki, Rin and Mio. They were the three main characters in the beginning, but then they kinda got shafted mid-season and then suddenly came back near the end again. I do love them (especially Uzuki and Mio; and I’ve warmed up to Rin a bit), but I felt the drama that Mishiro caused between them was drawn out a bit, and that the ending was cute, but rushed. Despite its flaws, this show got me into The iDOLM@STER series as a whole, and I even had my brother interested in it for a while to the point where he started watching it--keep in mind that my brother’s a die-hard Love Live fan. I won’t say that it’s a good gateway point to the series, but I will say that it’s alright for an idol series.

Flip Flappers

My friend @infiniteglorias​ was watching this show about a year or two ago, and I watched it out of curiosity. I expected it to be a bit off beat, and boy howdy did I get off-beat. It’s bizarre, it’s funny, it’s got some pretty cool scenes, and an interesting villain backstory. It’s also super gay. Like, Symphogear-level gay.  And even that’s a stretch; Shirabe and Kirika ain’t got nothin’ on Papika and Cocona. But it’s a good show, even if by the end it got a little mindscrewy.

And I just found out that there’s a Blu-Ray box with an artbook and art cards. R.I.P. my wallet.

BanG Dream!

Back when my brother was annoying the crap out of me with Love Live!, I was desperate to find a good idol series. I had started watching Cinderella Girls, but my brother took to bothering me about that, so I left it for a while (and also because although I enjoyed the show, I found it to be slow in some parts). If I had to describe BanG Dream!, I’d say it’s like Love Live! meets K-On!. I didn’t think I’d like it, and I thought the title name was kinda silly, but I ended up loving it. It really says something when you like some of the music better than Love  Live’s...in fact, I can kinda thank this show for pulling me to other idol anime away from LL! and introducing me to other things like Tokyo 7th Sisters, The iDOLM@STER and most recently IDOLiSH7. I loved this show, and I can’t wait to see the OVAs for it. Oh, and I’m patiently waiting for the release date of Girls’ Band Party’s English localization! I might not be able to play it, but I pray it goes well!

LoliRock season 2 (cartoon)

LoliRock’s second season is leagues better than the first one. So much effort was put into making the five princesses stand out in their own ways. We got great songs, great outfits, Dark Talia and Dark Auriana, great episodes focusing on Carissa and Lyna, more worldbuilding, more Lev, great episodes focused on Amaru, and best of all, episodes focused on developing Mephisto and Praxina. That Praxina episode was a hard one to watch, because of how genuinely sweet her good side is--given events in the season finale only made me sadder. About the only gripe I had was Gramorr. He still didn’t do that much to interest me as a villain, although I have to admit his powers were pretty cool. At least he’s slightly better than Hawk Moth from Miraculous Ladybug.

Either way, if you want an excellent example of a great show for girls, watch this (and Ladybug too, if you want). You won’t be disappointed.

The Seven Deadly Sins

I’ve been meaning to talk about The Seven Deadly Sins. But now that I actually have it here, I don’t have much else to say, other than it’s one of my favorite fantasy anime ever (and my favorite happens to be the Record of Lodoss War original OVAs). It’s funny, pervy (but not too pervy, unlike some shows I know *cough* High School DxD *cough*), tragic, awesome, gory and likeable. It’s totally binge-worthy. And it’s one of the few shows where the ships are totally okay; I usually avoid shipping people with people who look like they’re twelve or younger, but the maturity with which the show handles it changed my mind.

And season 2 has been announced. Enough said.

One Punch Man

One Punch Man was great from start to finish. It was awesome and thought provoking for a show that parodies the Japanese superhero genre, and I don’t think I’ve ever laughed at a show this much (that is, until Blend S came along). Moreover, it showed how to do an overpowered character right. I haven’t read the manga yet, but I can’t wait for season two of this show to come out!  

Kokoro Library

I found this little thing when I was cruising around for an older anime, Cosmic Baton Girl Comet-san (a classic favorite of mine). I saw the opening and dismissed it as a bland show probably based of a visual novel. But curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to watch an episode of it, just to see if it’s as stupid as I thought. Similar to what happened with LoliRock, I took my words back. This show’s a cute slice-of-life show about three sisters who live in the mountains running their parents’ library. The interactions they have with each other and the rest of the town are what make this show. I admit, the first part is kinda slow, so I wouldn’t blame people who dropped it if it was boring, and you can tell this is an older anime from like the 2000s...but it has a great soundtrack, adorable characters, and a really sweet origin story. I would give it a shot and see how you like it.

Currently Watching

The iDOLM@STER (Original)

Move over, Love Live. There’s some new idols in town.

I came across the original iDOLM@STER several times while looking for Cinderella Girls content. I thought nothing of it at first, but as I was finishing the Cinderella Girls anime, I did some research, and learned that these girls were the original generation (similar to how Muse was the original before Aqours). I decided “Eh, I’ll give it a shot. I like iM@S enough anyway; I’ll check it out before Side M, at least.” Gotta say, I am so glad I did. The original iDOLM@STER is leagues and above Cinderella Girls in terms of characters, story, humor and feel (although I still kinda like CG’s score more). In fact, I’ll go as far as to say that I prefer this over the original School Idol Project, which, while I think is pretty good, didn’t feel that spectacular to me, which is why I rank it 5th on my favorite idol anime list. Similar to IDOLiSH7, I don’t have a Best Girl, because pretty much all of them are awesome...although I gotta say that Iori, Hibiki, Makoto, Miki, Takane and Chihaya are my clear favorites, and I love Producer-san, surprisingly more than CG’s Producer-san, who was one of my favorites as well.

If you want to get interested in the iDOLM@STER universe, this is the series you need to watch.  

Blend S

Blend S is great. I have never laughed so hard at an anime save for a few. And I love the character dynamic; even Dino’s crush on Maika isn’t really, really creepy since he’s not going borderline pervy like some other shows possibly would. I’m only three episodes in, but it’s been a great ride.

IDOLiSH7

If you can’t tell that I love IDOLiSH7 already, you haven’t seen my blog recently. Eight episodes in, and I’m in love. I can’t say much else other than that, but it’s right behind the original iDOLM@STER as one of my current favorite idol anime.

Glasslip

Glasslip is a little anime I found on Hulu. It’s about a group of friends who go through the trials and pains of first love during summer vacation...oh, and something about the main heroine, Toko, and the mystery dude, Kakeru, being able to see the future through objects--in Toko’s case, it’s through glass objects, hence the title. It’s supposed to be a supernatural romance, but think it does better on the romance, though; their attempts to explain how and why Toko and Kakeru can see the future comes off kinda flat. Honestly, the real reason I’m watching it is for the romance plot between everyone. It’s a bit of a breather between watching shows such as Fate/Zero and Gundam SEED (seen below).

Mobile Suit Gundam Seed (Remastered)

Yes, I realize this pic is from SEED Destiny. But hey, the pic’s cool ^^

Gundam as a series is one of the series I enjoy, but never really watched much of because I was intimidated by the universe. It is massive, and most Gundam anime take place in its own universe. Thanks to some help from my dad (who is a huge Gundam and Macross fan in his own right), I started watching the series again, starting off with one that I found the most interesting, Mobile Suit Gundam SEED. I had started watching it years ago, but I forgot about it. I’m glad I gave this another chance, although I must be careful, because the last Gundam I watched was Gundam 00′s first season, and I binged watched it for hours.

Fate/Zero

I forgot to mention that one of my friends, @infiniteglorias, is a fan of the animated Fate series. I also forgot to mention that my dad is a semi-fan, too. Between the two of them, I became interested in watching the series, and my dad got me into Fate/Zero. I love it thus far, and the characters are pretty awesome. I can’t really say much else about it other than that, honestly...other than that I’m a complete newbie to the Nasuverse ^^

Shows I Need To Get Back To

Senki Zesshou Symphogear AXZ

I was following AXZ, and then that delay caused me to get off track. I will go back and watch it and include it in my next Netflix Bucket List (hopefully).

Haruchika: Haruto and Chika

Haruchika was an anime I found when I was watching Shakugan no Shana (more on that below). I thought it’d be a high school romance, but what it actually is is a high school mystery with a very, very tiny bit of romance...and both our male and female heroine are going after their teacher, believe it or not. I don’t find it as interesting as Glasslip, but I feel that I should finish it on general principle before deciding it sucks. Plus, it does have a great soundtrack.

Hunter x Hunter

Hunter x Hunter was a show I started watching around the same time as Lupin III (more on that on my next list). The only reason I’ve put it on hold is because of the above mentioned anime.

Attack on Titan

Attack on Titan was one of those shows that I heard was good, but didn’t watch because of the hype (I swore to myself that I’d stop watching on hype alone after what happened with Sword Art Online and Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha the Movie 2nd A’s). I watched it with my uncle and we both really enjoyed it, going through like 13 episodes. I haven’t watched it with him in a while because we’ve both been so busy, but I have it saved on my list to watch it later.

Future Shows to Watch

Cardcaptor Sakura: Clear Card-hen

The ONLY reason I’m not watching this one is because I haven’t watched the original in years and I don’t remember much of the plot. *sigh*

Macross Delta

Macross is another love of mine. After the amazingness of Frontier, I’m going to give the more recent Macross a try. That’ll probably be after I finish either iM@S or Blend S.

Violet Evergarden

WHEN WILL THIS SHOW COME TO NETFLIX?!

Girlish Number

Girlish Number is another one of those shows that my brother annoyed me about, but I guess I’ll give it a shot to see what he really liked about it.

Magical Girl Raising Project

More dark magical girls! Fun! Well, this should hold me over until I can watch Washio Sumi is a Hero, at least. 

The Ancient Magus’ Bride 

This is a show I’ve heard was quite good. It’s got some solid production values, and it’s a fantasy, so I’ll give it a shot and see how it turns out.

Shows I’ve Dropped

A Certain Magical Index

I wanted to like A Certain Magical Index, but alas, I found it to be a bit tiresome. At least its magic system and characters are a sight better than The Irregular at Magic High School.

Shakugan no Shana

It’s a shame I had to drop this show, because honestly, I had liked it at first. But then came the incesty bits between the two new villains that were introduced. On one hand, the sister was voiced by Yukari Tamura. But on the other hand, I do not want to see a younger sister slipping her older brother some tongue. Incest’s one of the few things that will make me drop a show like it’s a plague, and that’s what I did with this show. I just couldn’t stomach it. 

That is all I have to say for part 1! What do you think? Are there some recommendations you have or do you think I should talk about certain shows more? Let me know in the comments!

 Part 2 will be coming soon~!

[septembersung]

Tagged by @scarvenartist. Thank you!!

1. How many works in progress do you have?

I have four open novels that are in various stages of beginning. The farthest along is the epic fantasy I began in 2016 and NaNo’d this year that I���ve been blogging about. I’m fairly determined to get a complete draft, even if it’s just a sketch in places, down before I move on to another project/take a break. Then there’s a YA high fantasy playing off the powers-of-the-four-elements idea, which has the least done on it; my multi-generational Catholics in Space sci fi which always seems well thought out to me until I go to write a scene; and the whimsical fantasy that was plotted with the help of a friend and Story Cubes, also probably YA, which is pretty thoroughly conceived but I scrapped the drafts I’d started and am going to begin again with a more developed tone. I’m also still poking away at my current poetry manuscript, editing and reordering, wondering if it’s actually complete. I’ve also finally started writing new poems again after a months long hiatus, this time tackling sonnets. My plan for months now has been to do an in-depth practice and study of traditional meter and form in the new year, beginning with reading translations of ancient epics and throwing in some Shakespeare, so that will go nicely with sonnets. My nonfiction project is current in a research, note making, and mulling lull.

2. Do you/would you write fanfiction

I wrote some pretty bad fanfic in high school. It began with Harry Potter, but not until I needed a way to process my grief after HBP. I was always more interested in reading fanfic, and writing my own stuff. I don’t read much of it any more, though I have happily read some of the Batfam stuff that’s come across my dash (and I don’t even go there!). I’m glad that fanfiction is A Thing that exists in the world, although there is a large swath of it I would burn down and salt the earth after without a second’s hesitation.

3. Do you prefer paper books or ebooks?

I see the practicality and situational uses of ebooks in theory, but in practice have only used them a handful of times, and then only when there wasn’t another option. I compose on a screen a lot, but physical paper is crucial to my process, and I read and absorb better on paper. I believe it is a universal absolute that the more digital and abstract our world gets, the more it is vitally important - literally, necessary to living - that we are grounded in the physical world, especially in those things which are a big part of our brains and hearts and lives. Personally, since books and words are a major part of my existence, it’s important that they be solid as much as possible, in part as a counterweight to the internet and reading/doing blogging, which is necessarily digital, and makes up a big portion of my daily word consumption.

4. When did you start writing?

Somewhere between ages three and five. (I was a very early reader.) My first “novel” was several sheets of construction paper stapled together and it was about a giant sentient carrot. I have a distinct memory of writing the letter E, but I couldn’t remember how many horizontal lines it had, so I gave it lots, just to be safe.

5. Do you have someone you trust that you share your work with?

I’ve shared two of my novel WIPs with various friends and internet-friends online. The only people who regularly see my poetry in progress are my husband and @byjoveimbeinghumble. I can always count on Husband for support and an honest non-poet’s reaction, and Sharon has a wonderfully critical eye for form and clarity. @moochiethinks has been seeing lots of Eleyus as we do near-daily word wars, which has been wonderfully useful as a discipline and as a daily dose of positive feedback. I’m trying to be more open about sharing my fiction; it helps me to ‘get over myself.’ But now that I’ve made some progress there I need to find a balance and draw a line. I’m way too easily tempted into throwing words on paper and then asking the world for adulation. 

6. Where is your favourite place to write?

In my library, on the couch or at my desk (which is finally cleaned off and nearly organized!) I sometimes retreat to my bed and lock the door if I’m in the middle of something important and can’t get any peace, when Husband is home to watch the kids. I also love going to a certain coffee shop, or occasionally the local library.

7. Favourite book as a child?

I read Anne of Green Gables and Little House (and its spin offs) and Narnia a great deal, and later Harry Potter. There was a few months after OOTP came out where I read nothing but OOTP, over and over.

8. Writing for fun or publication?

The two aren’t separate for me. Poetry is more nuanced, as individual poems have different geneses and purposes, but publication is part of the fun of storytelling; sharing a complete story, telling it ‘out loud’ as it were, has always been part of the appeal, ever since I was a child. I’ve already scoped out publishers and agents for Eleyus.

9. Have you taken writing classes?

Often the best writing classes are literature classes. We learn an art by immersing ourselves in it; much of the foundation is simply education, absorbed into how we think and see the world. (Although, many lit classes today are rubbish because they aren’t lit classes at all, but leftist ideology training grounds.) Writing classes are great for people who need help jumping the hurdle from processing to creating - and at some point or several, whatever form the ‘class’ takes, most of us need that help - but there is good and deserved criticism about the way writing is taught, at every level. That said, long ago I earned a certificate in YA/children’s lit, I was an English lit minor, and I have an MFA in creative writing.

10. What inspired you to write?

Reading. I’ve loved books from the earliest moments of my childhood. I read, and then I wrote something for others to read. It was natural as breathing. I can’t imagine one without the other.

I’m not sure who all has done this already, so I’m tagging @praise-the-lord-im-dead, @moochiethinks, and anyone who wants to do it.

[cosmos-five]

ᴛʜᴇ ʏᴇʟʟᴏᴡ ʙᴏʏ » ᴄʜᴇɴʟᴇ 1/3

─ ʜɪɢʜ sᴄʜᴏᴏʟ x ɢʜᴏsᴛ ᴀᴜ

↠ ᴛʜᴇʀᴇ ᴡᴀs ᴀʟᴡᴀʏs ᴛʜᴇ sʟɪᴍ ʜᴏᴏᴅᴇᴅ ғɪɢᴜʀᴇ ʀᴜɴɴɪɴɢ ᴅᴏᴡɴ ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴀʟʟᴡᴀʏ ᴘᴀsᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴜsɪᴄ ʀᴏᴏᴍ ᴡɪᴛʜɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴀᴄᴀᴅᴇᴍʏ ʙᴜᴛ ғᴏʀ ᴇᴠᴇʀʏᴏɴᴇ ᴇʟsᴇ﹐ ɪᴛ ᴡᴀs ᴏɴʟʏ ᴛʜᴇ ғɪɢᴍᴇɴᴛ ᴏғ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴏᴡɴ ɪᴍᴀɢɪɴᴀᴛɪᴏɴ.

↠ ᴄʜᴇɴʟᴇ x ᴛʜᴇ ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ﹐ ᴄʜᴀʀᴀᴄᴛᴇʀ ᴅᴇᴠᴇʟᴏᴘᴍᴇɴᴛ/sʟɪᴄᴇᴏғʟɪғᴇ

btw ;; the reader will be introduced in part two of this little series thing  (ʃƪ'⌣’)

also credit to nakamotens for the cute ass gifset of nct dream omg

HELLO i’m here (sadly) with a headcannon kind of thing for this idea

it could honestly be a fanfic on it’s own but you’ll see more of chenle’s presence in the other nct dream stories i’m planning

moving along

chenle was such a happy person during his lifetime. a very lovable kid in his academy, his family, his close friends and outside of school

he made everyone smile no matter what the situation was and his hyper energy rubbed off on everyone else majority of the time

“sunshine” to “loud kid” went around the academy

he had a good amount of friends but of course! nothing replaced the dream for kids crew

dream for kids crew was for the boys in the academy who came here on scholarship or had a difficult home life

everyone in it valued the after school activities, random field trips to theaters or any other event someone mentioned and then the friendships everyone made with each other

the dream kids typically got their scholarship based on what they were strong in (e.g music theory, any instrument, sports, science, the art department, math, languages)

the academy particularly loves these boys (and girls because they have their own crew/program!) since they ended up usually being the success stories

chenle was determined to be one of those kids, the kids who had their photo taken for the wall with a ribbon on the side of it LOL

see chenle use to play the piano

he was really fucking good at it and he spent hours upon hours crafting the quality of the sounds that came out

his home life was a struggle but it was filled with warmth and love

chenle came from a pretty poor family consisting of his single father, his grandmother and younger sister who was only in pre school when he passed away

his mother had walked out on the family for another man so chenle didn’t really see her much except for holidays and sometimes birthdays if she wasn’t angry at his father

he didn’t really care if she did visit

his grandmother’s homestyle cooking, his father’s hearty laugh and his little sister whining to be held by him was all he needed

chenle discovered the piano when he entered into the academy

at first, he didn’t know exactly what he wanted to do since he was only six years old but as time went on… he was confused

he didn’t know what to do

he tried out astronomy with renjun but he wasn’t as stellar at it like his best friend

jaemin suggested joining the book club he’s in but after reading one chapter of a thick novel, he gave up

mark convinced him to do soccer but met with the words of “no thank you” because chenle knew those jerseys were itchy

jisung said to join the art community with jeno or come with him to an ap algebra class but chenle didn’t agree with any of those

haechan reminded him to be gentle with himself and wait it out

of course chenle got frustrated and vowed to be undecided for the rest of his life

until he heard the piano piece clair de lune and he knew he wanted to learn that instrument

so! he begged his father for a keyboard on his thirteenth birthday and wow! his father managed to buy it for him

he still owns the keyboard and yeah, it’s in bad shape but mark put all these stickers he got from the local dollar store plus jisung scribbled “butter fingers” on it so he’ll keep it even if it breaks

cliche but he loves playing für elise and that’s one of his go to audition songs

funny story : since it is mentioned that he auditions with that song, the teachers there always say “chenle, can you please pick another piece? we heard this last week lol” and he’s like “uh?? but you know you like hearing it so no!” they gave him this look so he starts playing a jazz piece bye

chenle’s pretty much self taught because taking lessons couldn’t happen for him

so he watched youtube videos and before you know it, he wasn’t tone deaf!

he learned any song ranging from twinkle twinkle little star for his little sister to stevie wonder’s isn’t she lovely

he finally knew where he belonged in the academy and what he wanted to be

he wanted to be a conductor one day

no one questioned him or made him feel crummy for it not being a typical dream job

but he didn’t care either way since it was his soon to be life, not theirs

the dream kids support him so much!!

jeno even lets him conduct his flute practices from time to time

chenle during the practice : ( ՞ਊ ՞)

jeno during the practice : (`_っ´) “chenle keep moving your freaking arms im off beat”

renjun wouldn’t let him conduct his percussion practices though lmfao

jeno and renjun would be like “band geeks united!” and chenle would have stood there pouting and mocking their handshake since piano wasn’t really in band or orchestra

it soon becomes “musical geniuses united!”

playing the piano made him feel safe

it was a whole new world for him besides his own earbuds and the dream kids

SPEAKING OF THE DREAM KIDS lets get mushy before the angst

chenle loved all of them

definitely jisung but he loved the slightly older kids like mark and renjun

jeno was his main dude though for arcade games if they had either enough spare change or they somehow smoothly talked the owner to let them in. sometimes the latter worked.

jaemin helped him tackle vocabulary terms in their english courses and taught him how to properly learn the difference between effect and affect

he still didn’t know

haechan helped him with science homework and actually helped him pass with a c-

jisung!! oh jisung!! was his childhood friend, basically since toddler days since their families mingled during community church meetings and such

jisung always told chenle that they are brothers and that no matter what happens, they wouldn’t live life to the fullest without each other

this is random but i forgot to mention that they live in really small town as well so everyone knew everyone. tight community i suppose

back to the mushiness

everyone in the group cherished and let me tell you, PROTECTED HIM WITH THEIR LIVES! jisung and chenle was everyone’s little brothers

chenle enjoyed teasing them and laughing with them with his iconic laugh (wow i really just heard his laugh in my own head bye) probably screaming too when mark didn’t get him ice cream

everything was to be kept light hearted and fun since things at home were pretty shitty for everyone

now for the angst

well sad angst

it was around the autumn seasons and it happened to be close to thanksgiving so school was out and families planned their own dinner parties

jaemin had invited all the boys to his house for the different tastings of breads and cheese his parents were serving

chenle ate a lot as per usual but everyone kind of already figured that would happen

jisung and chenle walked home together that evening whilst chewing on the sugar cookies jaemin’s mother left them

the little conversations they have are silly but calming 

jisung and chenle pretty much talked about anything and loved adventures in general, even if it’s just these two they always manage to have fun

“when thanksgiving day is over, do you wanna go to the aquarium?”

“hm, sure, chenle. i’m gonna pay though. my dad gave me apology money.”

another random thing i forgot to mention but jisung and chenle have twinning skateboards i’m kinda crying about it

anyways

chenle’s aunt had decided to come down because she missed her brother and simply to eat her mother’s good cooking

chenle and his aunt were close you know, super close and whenever she came down to visit, they would go rollerskating

so she took him rollerskating and out for pizza before hopping back in the car to go home

on the way back, they did their own version of karaoke and it ended up being a huge laugh fest between the two

his aunt wanted to save this moment with him so she pulled out her phone

“we need pictures”

“yeah we definitely need pictures”

it was at a stop light

it wasn’t time for it change yet on either sides but the streets were empty and a car had decided to come through

during the pictures, in the camera finder, chenle could see the car swerving and coming straight for them

but before he say anything, all he saw was black and the white noise of ringing in his ears

his family had soon seen the manila folder with the words “hit & run, two dead, five minutes before death took place” labeled across it

chenle was identified by wearing a yellow hooded jacket and the receipt ticket from the skating rink lying next to his aunt with a small smile on his face

[meiizumi]

Castle of Shikigami: An informal rant nobody asked for about my most obscure obsession to date

STOP i spent like 2 days writing this post and im only posting it on tumblr because it’s the one website i’m a member of that can hold the most text. i wanted to infodump somewhere...... read this to learn something i guess (´･ω･`)

Bad voice acting is the Peak of comedy to me, and while I was looking for something to laugh at one day, I found this game called Castle Shikigami 2 for the PS2. The US version of the game's dialogue is rife with machine translated text that makes no sense, and awkward voice acting to boot. They even have voice actors saying the wrong lines, voice actors speaking implied commands, and a few voice lines are left in Japanese. Apparently, Roger Craig Smith (Sonic the Hedgehog's current voice actor) was in this game but I don't think he's even credited?! I think I know which character he voiced but I’m not exactly sure.

The history behind this game’s localization is REALLY weird. Castle of Shikigami/Shikigami no Shiro was originally an arcade bullet hell shoot em up game. The series was created by Alfa System and it was one of Alfa System’s main IPs. There are three main shmup installments and a text adventure game for the PS2, Nanayozuki Gensoukyoku. Nanayozuki was practically fanservice for whatever number of CoS fans there were back then. Each main game in the series was originally an arcade cabinet, but they were all ported to PC and home consoles. In CoS 2′s case, it came out on the PS2, Gamecube, and Dreamcast, but only the PS2 version got localized. The western publisher, XS Games specializes in publishing quality budget titles such as “Bass Pro Shops: The Strike” for the Wii. I theorize they didn’t care too much about the actual content of CoS 2 and were more focused on selling a game quickly for a low price, so they just machine translated it and adjusted a few things. If you’re wondering if Castle of Shikigami 1 was also translated this badly, the answer is No. XS Games instead removed all the dialogue from the western release of CoS 1, and released it with the title “Mobile Light Force 2″.

“Wait, what do you mean ‘Mobile Light Force TWO’ if Castle of Shikigami 1 is the first game in the series?” If you want to know what Mobile Light Force 1 was, it’s GUNBIRD; another shmup game, but by a completely different developer than Castle of Shikigami. I don’t know why they did that. What really kills me though is that both MLF 1 and 2 use the same boxart, which is COMPLETELY unrelated to the actual contents of either game. AFJQHJFOKLJFDS look at this

There’s more hilarity behind Mobile Light Force that isn’t hard to find so you can search that up if you’re interested. But thankfully, Castle of Shikigami 3's Wii edition got more of a proper localization by Aksys Games.

Now I would bluntly say something like “stan castle of shikigami” but:

1. This series’ lore is insanely convoluted. It’s an essential part of this expansive fictional universe referred to as “Mumei Sekaikan” (I don’t know what this translates to in English) where there’s like, 7 different parallel worlds. There’s more obscure ass games and manga that are tied to this universe, and I think there’s even a tabletop RPG made based off it. Have you heard of “Gunparade March”? Most likely you haven’t; it’s an obscure video game made by Alfa System that also got adapted into an anime, and I feel it can be described as Mechas x Persona. One of the characters in CoS 2 is just one of the GPM characters going undercover to find her senpai who traveled to the CoS world. Or something like that. The 7-world universe isn’t explicitly talked about in the game but they make so many references to it without defining anything that it’s like you Must know about it. There is NO documentation in English about the Mumei Sekaikan I could find on the internet, although there is a wiki in Japanese where I got a ton of knowledge from (GOOGLE TRANSLATE IS MY TRUSTED FRIEND) I feel like I might be THE person in the United States who has the most knowledge on the Mumei Sekaikan, and I could go on another tangent talking about what I know so far (and who this one specific dude Shibamura Yuuri is) but I won’t.

2. The writing isn’t excellent and can be pretty Unwoke ™; the first game came out in 2001 and the third game came out in 2005 if that gives you a sense on what era these writers were in. As far as the games dialogue goes, the characters appear kind of flat. CoS 1 and 2 Kotaro (i refuse to use the official “Kohtaro”) is stupid and driven by JUSTICE to a point where it’s annoying. I can’t tell if Hyuga is trying to be a Ladies Man in CoS 2 and 3. Kim, a religious tae kwon do instructor, spends CoS 2 thinking about how he should atone for his sins, then he turns himself into jail at the end. Sayo’s backstory is that she was a shrine maiden raised as a “human weapon” to have no emotions and her only goal in life was to kill god and then die, something like that. However, after CoS 1, she gets a crush on Kotaro because he actually treats her like a human and Of course that’s what you’d expect from the main teen girl and boy in the series. In CoS 3, Sayo's character is mostly played out to be a major tsundere for Kotaro even though surprisingly HIS character in this game changed a ton compared to 1 and 2 (he had to kill an illusion of his older brother, who he learned actually died earlier, and now he has to kill an illusion of his childhood sweetheart... damb that shit sucks :/). He’s still stupid though

There’s a gag in CoS 2 that I can’t clearly remember where it’s like, Niigi makes Sayo and Fumiko, who are both romantically interested in Kotaro, think that he’s only into little girls? Meanwhile, Fumiko’s magic goes wrong and her appearance turns to that of a child though in response she’s like “hee hee maybe Kotaro will like this”. basically more On-Brand early 2000′s anime unwokeness than average. Speaking of Fumiko, she’s a 400+ year old militaristic witch who constantly teases Kotaro (who’s like 16 or 17) and she wants to marry him for his magical potential since he’s like one of the candidates for becoming God??? From the official CoS 3 character descriptions, “Her hobby is to steal the men from other women. Her second hobby is trampling upon people.” She canonically stole her stepmother’s husband from her stepmother (the 3rd boss of CoS 3). I don’t get how that shit would have worked

3. The game itself is HARD af but to be fair I’m a scrub gamer. I can’t get past stage 3 on easy difficulty without continuing. Yes i bought CoS 1 on Steam, Yes it has a port on steam i feel like i should have mentioned this earlier

4. Besides CoS 1 having a port on Steam, CoS 2 and 3 might be hard to obtain legally. The poorly translated CoS 2 was apparently super cheap back then, but since it’s an old game, its value might’ve increased. When I tried looking up prices for English CoS 3, all the listings were like at least $40 and being broke I wouldn’t want to spend more than $29 for a Wii game in 2019... honestly I just emulated CoS 2. shout out to PCSX2

Last month I was desperate, bored enough, and deep enough in the Shikigami rabbit hole that I tried to find the manga based off of it online. The CoS manga only tells the events of the first two games so I still don’t really get anything about CoS 3, like who Mihee, Batu, and Emilio are supposed to be. However, the plot events also differ. For example, Roger Sasuke exists as a character in CoS 3 but in the manga he literally Dies. There’s 11 total volumes of this; 3 volumes dedicated to CoS 1 and the latter 8 (the “Twisted Castle arc”) dedicated to CoS 2. Only the very first 3 chapters were scanlated to English all the way in 2011. Fortunately, I did find the entire manga uploaded though............... in CHINESE. So you know what I did? I “read” the entire thing using my phone’s Google Translate OCR app to take pictures of each page and comprehend the translations. Of course I still don’t understand CRAP because of the Mumei Sekaikan jargon + machine translation but I understood enough to get emotionally attached to some of the characters. I wish I hadn’t. At least through the manga I learned that the characters DO have some depth and pre-established relationships. For instance, the reason why Roger Sasuke became a ninja is because when he first landed in Japan as a kid, he was getting bullied or something and he didn’t know Japanese then Kotaro saw this and told the bullies to stop. Then after Roy /sorry i mean Roger learned that he was set to home-stay with the Kugas in the first place, he decided to dedicate his life to Japan in order to protect Kotaro back. I think. DO U SEE HOW ABSURD THIS SHIT IS Anyway Nanayozuki takes place between the second and third games and sets things up for CoS 3. There’s a full playthrough of it uploaded to YouTube and I think it contains a lot of juicy lore, but it’s just too much to go over with Shitty Google Translate OCR. There’s also Shikigami no Shiro novels which apparently contain the most backstory, but I have a 0% chance of finding these online for free. Not to mention that these would ALSO be too much effort to Google Translate.

in conclusion: You don’t HAVE to play Castle of Shikigami. Like, I’m not gonna recommend it for the content, but if you love shmups and are looking for a shmup game you haven’t heard of then I will recommend it for the gameplay (old touhou mutuals assemble theres a POWER-UP-BY-GRAZE MECHANIC). I’ve counted like 4 total fans outside of Japan that like this series for the story, and I don’t think that number is going to increase because I doubt CoS 2 will ever get retranslated and ported. I just want you to know that this series exists and that there’s a ton of wacky shit behind it besides the bad Castle Shikigami 2 dub. also if someone knows enough japanese or chinese and has an INKLING of interest in this series umm talk to me and help me decipher stuff

I‘m kinda sad that the series is pretty much Dead though. This is the most recent piece of official Castle of Shikigami art I could find, and this was for the 2018 New Year. The next most recent piece of official CoS art I found was also drawn by the character designer Sonoda Miku all the way in January 2008, commemorating the end of the CoS manga serialization. Alfa System released a spiritual sequel to Castle of Shikigami on the Japanese Switch eShop called Sisters Royale, with character designs I think are still by Sonoda. By “spiritual sequel” I mean that it has some of the EXACT same shot types as CoS and the same mechanic where grazing bullets increases your power and score. This is the closest we’ll get to a Shikigami no Shiro 4. I wonder what the business decision behind that game was but it actually looks like fun and I want to play it so OK Go off i guess

[bites-kms]

Silence is the most powerful scream

“How come I didn’t know about this sooner?” “Why no one told me about this atrocity?” “Why dont they teach this at school?” “What was the world doing while this shit was happening?” 

Those were the questions I remember asking to myself, without finding any appropriate nor satisfying answer. I sat down on one of the first right rows of the tour bus which was taking us to the Phnom Phen New Market. I was almost in an incredulous mode, wondering and thinking, feeling and crying, shivering and with goose bumps, looking and asking non sense questions to my friend Gabriel, who was sitting as perplex as me on the opposite seat.

We just left the S-21 memorial, ex torture chamber and ex-ex-school. It was such a moving experience. I had to spend 6 years processing - 3 of them living in Asia, meeting and caring for people who I now call family and a 2.5 hrs movie for me to understand how deep it touched me. Only now I can write something about it.

The S-21, also known as Tuol Sleng, was the Khmer Rouge's main prison and torture center. It’s unbelievable that a place that once was used as a happy, gathering and learning den for kids became such thing. I think this is the key element that makes the whole experience even more perverse. Everything is as it was: the desk that once taught stories, grammar and math, where now chained to the floor and used as torture devices where to sit people while questioning them, punishing them and killing them softly. 

The Communist Party of Kampuchea (CPK), also known as the Khmer Rouge (Red Khmer) ruled Cambodia from April 17, 1975, until January 1979. In 1976, the Khmer Rouge established the state of Democratic Kampuchea.

In the four years that the Khmer Rouge ruled Cambodia, it was responsible for one of the worst mass killings of the 20th Century. The brutal regime claimed the lives of up to two million people, more than a quarter of the total population. 

Under the Marxist leader Pol Pot, the Khmer Rouge tried to take Cambodia back to the Middle Ages, forcing millions of people from the cities to work on communal farms in the countryside.

But this dramatic attempt at social engineering had a terrible cost. Entire families died from execution, starvation, disease and overwork. My Vietnamese friends witnessed part of the horror and their stories still echo in my mind, giving me the chills every time I remember them. 

Just by wearing reading glasses you would get killed. According to them, you “looked” as an intellectual, and the revolution couldnt afford any mistakes. Pol Pot used to say “better to kill an innocent by mistake than spare an enemy by mistake”. And so they did. Blank range shoot to your forehead by wearing glasses in the middle of the street, just in case. If you were an artist, forget it. If you were a teacher, you needed to lie about your profession. If you were a dancer or a performer, your life may be spared but your limbs would be cut off. If you were a monk, you were consider a “parasite” to society and you were either slaved into force labor or killed in an instant without hesitation. 

Another terrifying aspect of this atrocity was that most of the affected people were kids: boys and girls who were left without family, who turned into their brother and sisters for support, who were considered as wet mud to shape the perfect army of soldiers and revolution devotees, children who never before were exposed to guns nor violence, but that now were building bombs, explosives and other kind of deadly machines and artillery. 

The Killing Fields is how the deadly extermination camp near Choeung Ek village is called. Today, it is the site of a Buddhist memorial to the victims, and Tuol Sleng has a museum commemorating the genocide. The memorial park at Choeung Ek has been built around the mass graves of many thousands of victims, most of whom were executed after interrogation at the S-21 Prison in Phnom Penh. The majority of those buried at Choeung Ek were Khmer Rouge victims during the purges within the regime. Many dozens of mass graves are visible above ground, many which have not been excavated yet. Commonly, bones and clothing surface after heavy rainfalls due to the large number of bodies still buried in shallow mass graves. It is not uncommon to run across the bones or teeth of the victims scattered on the surface as one tours the memorial park. If these are found, visitors are asked to notify a memorial park officer or guide.

It was hardcore. Indeed. I was perplex. I remember a daunting silence while some chipping birds interrupted, as a wake up call to your trance. Once again, I  didnt realize how deep and how much it impacted me until I realized I needed to write about what happened in Cambodia in a meaningful way. 

But Cambodia should not be defined by atrocities nor sad events; on the contrary, these issues fostered one of the most grateful, cheerful and beautiful people in SEA. This actually drives me quite angry, specially with Cambodia, but unfortunately is an common western issue: people associate South East Asian countries with poverty, prostitution or communism, instead of focusing on the good side of them: their people, their rich history, their safety, their delicious food and their breathtaking views. So hey you, Western Tourist! Stop being a tourist and start becoming a traveler! You are missing so MUCH you wont believe. Forget your Instagram account and start interacting with these wonderful people - dont read the lonely planet, read novels, watch movies, talk to locals. Travel with your mind and heart as much as you can travel with your feet. 

Due to the recent war, there are many orphanages in Phnom Penh and all around the country, and some of the people who were traveling with me had very strong feelings regarding this: they didnt want to interact whatsoever with these institutions, since they believed they were forcing kids into child-labor. Of course I had a different perspective on the matter: teaching skills such as cooking, sewing, crafts  is something worth learning, it is not very different from another technical skill they can learn at school. The money which they gain by selling those items (not at the street, but on the orphanage itself) went either to them (if they were considered old enough) creating a feeling of pride and ownership or to the institution as a whole to use for food and infrastructure for the place. I didn't buy anything (coz there’s still a portion of me that doubts about the actually destination of the money) but I was and I am still convinced that my presence there made a change: even if its was for only those 20 mins we shared, those kids were happier and laughing because of us, they were practicing English, they felt important, they loved the pictures, they hang the polaroids on their walls, they were truly and sincerely full of joy. And that, is already worthy.

Not only the kids and their happiness is something worth mentioning and remembering but also the majestic shape and feeling of Angkor Wat. At the beginning, this was the only thing I knew about Cambodia, but then it transformed into the temple which opened the door to so much more Cambodia to see and admire behind its walls. 

It is the the biggest and best kept hindi temple in the world. It is considered as the biggest religious structured ever built and one of the most important archeological treasures of the world. I am happy the the Google Cultural Center and Phibious (an agency I am proud to had called home) got together to make this amazing event happened and took Angkor to the World with Google Street View. 

It was built by the Khmer King Suryavarman II in the early 12th century in Yaśodharapura (Khmer: យសោធរបុរៈ, present-day Angkor), the capital of the Khmer Empire, as his state temple and eventual mausoleum. Breaking from the Shaiva tradition of previous kings, Angkor Wat was instead dedicated to Vishnu. As the best-preserved temple at the site, it is the only one to have remained a significant religious centre since its foundation. The temple is at the top of the high classical style of Khmer architecture. It has become a symbol of Cambodia, appearing on its national flag, and it is the country's prime attraction for visitors.

Today, Im happy to claim that Cambodia - along with the rest of South East Asia- stole a piece of my heart and this is just a little tribute I am making to this great Country, who is only as great as its people and faith. 

[limejuicer1862]

Wombwell Rainbow Interviews

I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me. I gave the writers two options: an emailed list of questions or a more fluid interview via messenger. The usual ground is covered about motivation, daily routines and work ethic, but some surprises too. Some of these poets you may know, others may be new to you. I hope you enjoy the experience as much as I do.

  Magdalena Ball

was born in New York City, where she grew up. After gaining an honours degree in English Literature from the City University of New York (CCNY), she moved to Oxford to study English Literature at a postgraduate level. After a brief return to the US, she then migrated to NSW Australia, where she now resides on a rural property with her husband and three children. While in Australia she received a Masters degree in Business from Charles Sturt University and a Marketing degree from the University of Newcastle. Magdalena runs the respected review site Compulsive Reader. Her short stories, editorials, poetry, reviews and articles have appeared in a wide number of printed anthologies and journals, and have won local and international awards for poetry and fiction. She is the author of the poetry books Unmaking Atoms, Repulsion Thrust and Quark Soup, the novels Black Cow, and Sleep Before Evening, a nonfiction book The Art of Assessment, and, in collaboration with Carolyn Howard-Johnson, the Celebration Series poetry books Sublime Planet, Deeper Into the Pond, Blooming Red, Cherished Pulse, She Wore Emerald Then, and Imagining the Future. She also runs a radio show, Compulsive Reader Talks. In addition to her writing, Magdalena is a Research Support Lead for a multinational company, and regardless of what she’s doing, will usually be found with a book or two in one form or another, sneaking time for reading.

The Interview

1. When and why did you begin to write poetry?

I honestly cannot remember a time when I wasn’t writing poetry. It feels very natural to me to express myself poetically, probably because I grew up with a lot of poetry around me, from Dr Seuss and Maurice Sendak to the songs my mother, who was in a rock band, was writing and singing or the poetry my uncle set to music including literary giants like Edna St Vincent Millay, Frank O’Hara, WB Yeats and Emily Dickinson. Poetry has always been part of my environment. I created a lot of handmade ‘zines, themed booklets and celebration poems for friends when I was growing up, but my first official publication was a full centre-page spread in a Greenwich village magazine while I was an undergraduate. I’ve lost the publication now though I kept the clipping for years, but the buzz of that first publication was pretty intense.

2. Who introduced you to poetry?

I think I’d have to say my parents. They both read to me a lot – and there was poetry in the children’s books I loved (Sendak and Seuss come to mind immediately because I also bought and read many books by those two authors for my own children, but there were many books I loved when I was very young like The Story of Ping by Marjorie Flack, Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown, and Harold and the Purple Crayon by Crocket Johnson, all of which became introductions for me to what language can do as an art form, and how poetic language in particular can convey complex ideas in ways that jump past the intellect using rhythm, correspondence and imagery. I always had a visceral response to the books that were read to me, perhaps because my parents were very good readers and tended to act out the work and engage me in the process by talking to me about what they were reading, letting me fill in words and take over when I was ready. I’m deeply grateful to them for this early gift, which to be honest, I didn’t properly recognise until I was much older. Beyond being read to, I was pretty heavily influenced by my uncle, the composer Ricky Ian Gordon, who not only set a lot of superb poems to music – the sound of which formed a backdrop to my childhood as I spent a lot of time at my grandparents’ house where Ricky, who is only 10 years older than me, was growing up, but also he was always recommending and gifting books to me. I remember a book pack he gave to me when I was around 12 after he read some of my poems. I still have the books, which include Plath’s Ariel, Sexton’s Live or Die, Brecht’s Manuel of Piety and Rimbaud’s The Drunken Boat – none of which were age appropriate (!) but they certainly left a mark on me – like many young women I became a bit obsessed with Plath in particular for a while! Even now, when I see him he’ll usually recite a poem by heart to me from someone he personally knows or has recently discovered which will immediately blow me away.

3. How aware were and are you of the dominating presence of older poets?

I’d be lying if I said I didn’t suffer from imposter syndrome regularly as a writer. However, I have always been a confident reader. The delight I take in other people’s words is something that has bolstered me since I was very (possibly too) young. I think it’s fair to say that nearly all writers, no matter how famous, need and love attentive readers and reading is my happy place. So whenever I don’t feel like I’m writer enough to match the company I’m keeping (and that company may be on the page rather than in the flesh though I have been lucky enough to meet some intimidatingly good writers), I’m always able to fall back on the joy of delighting in the words of others. It’s a great privilege I think to be able to just pay attention to art that is exquisite. The sheer joy of that deep engagement is something that I think transcends age, fame, and even genius. It’s connection that is very primal and powerful and wipes out jealousy, intimidation and domination. That said, I’m always actively seeking diversity in my reading as I’m conscious that the “dominating presence of older poets” is really partly determined by a canon that isn’t necessarily very diverse. I’m actively trying to read as diversely as possible, not only because it is healthy to be exposed to what challenges you, but also because nuance and exquisite beauty can often be found in under-represented writers that isn’t so easy to find in some of the bigger, more famous names that are treated as “classics”. So I will sometimes deliberately resist that domination.

4. What is your daily writing routine?

I think it would be a rare day when I didn’t write something, but aside from that I just write whenever I can, often in brief snatches here and there, or while everyone else is watching television in the evening once the hubbub of the day has eased off. I have done things like pulled my car over to the side of the road to write something down that came to mind; written poems during business meetings; stirred something on the stove with one hand while writing with the other – you get the idea. I have three children and a day job so can’t really be precious with the time. Poetry is particularly flexible that way and can be fitted into a tight schedule but I have to admit that fiction is harder for me to write in short bursts which is why I’ve been writing a lot of poetry over the past few years.

5. What motivates you to write?

I’m not really sure what motivates me! It’s kind of instinctual. If I don’t write almost every day I find I’m not at my best – I get cranky – some variation of hangry – like there’s a hunger that needs satiating. Being able to sit down, even for just a few minutes, and put something down in writing is part of what my body needs each day – like food, water, exercise, sleep. It’s just part of how I live in the world. I get a lot of pleasure from extrinsic motivations like publication, praise (poets seem to me to be particularly supportive of one another and I’m so grateful for the gorgeous community I feel very much bolstered by), the odd tiny financial reward, and being able to perform/read/connect with readers – they’re all really wonderful perks, but the practice of writing is something I do regardless of those things.

6. What is your work ethic?

I was born and raised in New York, and it may just go with the territory but I think my work ethic has always been a little bit too strong. I have really tried to ease back on my work ethic – to be more present; to take more time on quality over quantity; to slow down a little bit and not feel like I have to be ticking every box on a daily to-do list. That said, I’m always feeling the tug to get one more thing done today. I’m trying to plan a little bit less, and to be more open as I get older.

7. How do the writers you read when you were young influence you today?

See question 2. The writers I read when I was young have had a massive influence on me – they’ve helped formed my identity and not just as a writer. I honestly don’t think I’d be the same person if I hadn’t read so much Maurice Sendak as a child. I still get a little shiver of excitement thinking about Little Bear’s trip to the moon or that wordless page of the wild rumpus in Where the Wild Things Are. I also was heavily influenced as a young adult by writers like Czesław Miłosz who I saw perform at Princeton when I was about 17, and I used to hang around the St Marks Poetry Project around that time hoping one day I might just end up having a conversation with Patti Smith, Jim Carroll, Allen Ginsberg or Anne Waldman. I was always too shy to approach them (see question 3), but I knew very strongly then that this was a place I felt at home and that theses were voices that resonated with my young self. I took a lot of that in and it helped form my identity.

8. Who of today’s writers do you admire the most and why?

I love so many writers that the answer to this question could go on for about 20 pages! It never fails to amaze me how much superb work just keeps coming out. I’m very lucky to be a book reviewer and so I get a lot of books. I certainly don’t like everything but I get at least one book a week that is excellent, often by someone I never heard of before. I know that the minute I commit a name to paper I’ll have missed out someone critical or maybe I’ll read someone tomorrow and by the time this goes to air I’ll be sad I didn’t include them. So instead of answering this question I might just ‘gather some paradise’ (to steal a phrase from the wonderful PoemTalk podcast) and talk about a few poets that I’ve recently read whose work I like. Please note that this is a snapshot of the work I’ve been in contact with over the past month or so and is in no way comprehensive! Tracy K Smith’s latest book Wade in the Water is just so good. You can read the title poem here: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/147467/wade-in-the-water Another poet whose work gets me everytime is Danez Smith’s Don’t Call Us Dead. I don’t even know why but the book has brought me to tears several times and even now, I’m thinking of the title poem. I’m right in the middle of reading Anne Casey’s Where the Lost Things Go which is just so warm and lovely – so rich with empathy and compassion, and so very relevant. Another book I recently read and loved was Ali Whitelock’s And My Heart Crumples Like a Coke Can, which is hysterically funny, raw, sad and uplifting all at the same time. Both Anne and Ali are people I recently met and immediately became friends with – it was like we’ve known each other for years and we instantly began planning collaborations, tours, tweeting about one another’s work, etc. I’m so happy to give their wonderful books a shout-out.

9. Why do you write? Probably answered in question 5.

10. What would you say to someone who asked you “How do you become a writer?”

At the risk of sounding like Yoda (it wouldn’t be the first time), there is no ‘become’ – if you want to write, write. Don’t waste too much time dreaming about it or making elaborate promotional plans (something I have been guilty of). Just get on with it. Write what you like to read best or what you feel compelling to write. Or pick a competition and begin working towards a submission. Push asdie the doubt and discomfort and that stupid “monkey” voice at the back of your head that says you’re not up to it, and just get on with it. No one is a ‘natural’ – first drafts are almost all bad, every writer no matter how well-respected is struggling with what they’re working on now, and the only way to get good at writing is, like anything, regular practice. You have to fail. It’s part of the learning curve – so get on with the failure, accept it, become comfortable in its presence and keep going. When you’ve got enough material or when your material fits a market, submit it somewhere. Then repeat the process. The one other thing you must do is to read, a lot, and diversely. If, like me, you’re nervous about promoting your own work or you’re uncertain that what you’ve done is great, then promote someone else. Shine a light on the wonderful, especially where it’s underrepresented. Everyone has the power to do that these days – leave a review, buy someone a book for a present, talk up what you love. Then get back to the table and make your own beauty. There’s no magic formula and raw talent that isn’t utilised is nothing. (may the force be with you…)

11. Tell me about the writing projects you have on at the moment.

I’ve just had a poetry book published by Flying Island Books titled High Wire Step, and I’ve got another one coming out in April from Girls on Key Press titled Unreliable Narratives. Neither of those were planned this time last year and I’m really pleased with how they came together and the incredible editorial support I had on both books (I’m very grateful to Kit Kelen and Anna Forsyth respectively). I’m still a bit in promotion mode for these two and there are launches and performances planned at the Newcastle Wrtiers Festival this year and throughout the early part of 2019. I have begun working on a new book of poetry (I’m always working on a book of poetry ), and I am still working on my third novel, a sci fi which is proving to be quite difficult. One of my resolutions for 2019 is to either finish the thing or call it. Every time I sit down to write it strikes me as being too good and too far along to abandon but then I get distracted and it drifts away from my mind and the desire to work on it recedes. This is the year I either finish, or make the call. I also have quite a few multimedia/anthology collaborations in-hand, which I’m very excited about. I can’t divulge, but good things are on the horizon.

Wombwell Rainbow Interviews: Magdalena Ball Wombwell Rainbow Interviews I am honoured and privileged that the following writers local, national and international have agreed to be interviewed by me.

[spilling-thoughts-blog1]

a collection of my honest (yet irrelevant) thoughts. | wednesday 8/30/2017 |

current adventure: college. 

I feel stupid sitting on a bench on campus writing a post to (possibly) nobody; but after 3 classes (with another one today) spanning these first three days of college, I feel like I need to write it out. crying can only relieve so much in all honesty. so emo, my apologies. 

classes started Monday, 8/28/30 and from the moment I woke up on Sunday, I've felt so empty and drained despite only taking two hour-and-twenty-minute long classes. Monday was okay. Class let out 30 minutes early, and since it was my only class of the day I walked a few blocks down to Girlfriend’s campus. Her school is insanely nice, just my style. Very industrial, modern, and taken care of. A drastic difference to my school. 

Its dirty and old (not a cute-worn though, it just looks like it hasnt been taken care of) and the kids are crusty bums. Granted, Girlfriend’s school has weirdos, lots of them, but theres a sense of safety because you know they won't try to shank you if you bump them! I don't have that luxury here. Her school is a private art school, mine is just the local community college. gotta save those dollars.

Anyways. On Monday I sat on a bench (at Girlfriend’s school,) similar to this one, but I had the grass next to me instead of the dirt and sticks here and a young guy was cutting the lawn and it was quiet (aside from the lawnmower) and pretty and I felt like I was at home. The guy was nice, he felt bad asking me to move for a second so he could cut the grass next to me. If I was at my school I bet they would have just mowed right over my folders. Girlfriend got out of class after about an hour of me sitting on her campus and I got to see her for a few minutes, really the only other time I’ve seen her aside from the 20 minute car ride to school (which is two days a week keep in mind.) 

We used to hang out everyday. Senior year was the best because I got to see her during practically every period (1st, 2nd, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th actually... that is a lot lol) and then we would hang out after school. Perk of your girlfriend not driving- you have an excuse to see her more often; she has to run errands, she needs a ride home, she needs a ride to, etc etc. 

The smell of funnel cake keeps distracting me. I don't think theres any funnel cake, it just smells fried and sweet because the cafeteria is behind me and I'm getting hungry for the first time this week.

Not seeing her is one of the shittiest parts of college so far. I really miss her. Her classes are super long, each one at least 2 hours long I believe, and even though our schools are less than a 10 minute walk from each other, I can't see her because when she gets out of class, I'm just going into class. I also hate not seeing any familiar faces. Yeah, you have to make friends blah blah blah, but its a shock going from my nice high school with students I’d gone to school with since middle school; some even elementary school to this. sounds privileged, in know... I don't know why it keeps surprising me as well seeing full on adults walking into classes. Good for them though. 

My next class starts in 40 minutes (at 11:00 and its 10:17) but I’ll probably head up in a few. It’s a 2 hour and 50 minute class and I didn't bring any of the 6 books we have to read because I already had my two English books and I didn't want to lug 8 novels around in my backpack, especially since we haven't needed any of our books on the first day. But then again, its a 3 hour class and I doubt we’ll get out that early. 

Ew it smells like kerosene... not my favorite smell by far. They're setting up lame tables and tents and “Week of Welcome” activities. Will I participate? no. Am I the cause of my misery and tears thus far? Mostly. 

I read up on all of my professors I could find on “rate my professor” and this next one seems super fun. He has like, 4.4/5 review and apparently he's hot. everyone said his class is easy too which is a bonus. The reviews weren't too wrong about my Comp 2 professor, they didn't speak too highly of her. Right now I'm not a fan. She comes to class 5 minutes before it begins and seems very disorganized. I really don't like that. My Psych teacher is an absolute loon, but I feel like thats to be expected from a community college psychology professor. No offense if thats what you want to be, or if your favorite professor (or family member) is one. Just my honest thoughts. 

The sun came out, thats nice. Eases my anxiety a little bit when its nice out. 

Jesus Christ (pardon my language if it offends you) Chris brown just started blaring out of the welcome week speakers. they're trying to make this shitty cheap ass campus a party. no thank you. “now everybody put your hands in the air. yeah yeah yeah.” its lit. sense the sarcasm.

Hopefully this class will be better and when I get home (1:50 can't come soon enough) the feeling of empty darkness inside of me that has lingered for the past 3 days will subside a little bit. I won't get my hopes up. I should start a tear jar, a warning to seniors.

WHEN I SAY I WANT TO SEE FAMILIAR FACES I DONT MEAN THE CRUSTY MEAN FUCKBOYS I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH. I WANT TO SEE MY FRIENDS; OH WAIT, THEYRE ALL OVER ACHIEVERS AND NICE KIDS AND ARE AWAY AT SCHOOLS LIVING FUN LIVES AND BEING HAPPY, OR AT PRIVATE SCHOOLS RIGHT DOWN THE STREET BUSY DOING AMAZING ART. now its glamorous. good thing Fergie spells G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S because I don't think half of these kids can.

its been a while, its almost 5:30 now. my 3 hour class was boring as hell. he is not hot, nor young and he was 5 minutes late to class. you can hear him suck back his snot every few minutes and choke on it a little. but his class will be easy so thats great. I'm just questioning whether I need it or not. 

I haven't cried yet today, we’ll see how I feel later though. I miss Girlfriend. She’ll be home soon but I’ll bet you she’ll have to eat dinner as soon as she gets home, and then she’ll start her homework. nobody disrupts her art, not even me so I'll get to talk to her before bed for a few before I pass out at 10:00. It sucks because I was supposed to see Her Friday after my morning class ends, because she doesn't have class but then my new manager asked if I could come in. so instead of finally spending a day with her I'll be getting trained. my old manager is starting at the new store which is why I'm coming with him, but he has to get trained first, so really, its like starting a new job completely. I don't know why I decided it would be a good idea to switch jobs the first week of school. granted, there was no way in hell I would have stayed at my old job. I just should have waited until this first God awful week was over. but thats just my luck. 

Im always so tired now. I say always like its been a few weeks of school when really its been 4 days. mom asked if I wanted to go on a walk with the family, and of course I said no. “it’ll be good for your mental health” ahh I see, she can see me slowly slipping downhill again and wants to prevent it. well, I don't think a walk is going to make me feel much better about the fact that my school is dirty and the hallway I was in for my last class smelled horrible, which obviously worsened my mood, and the added fact that I'm starting a new job this week and don't know what I should wear. oh, and the other fact that I don't get to see my girlfriend anymore already and its only been 4 days. 

I had a bad feeling when She had her orientation and made her schedule. I new going to different schools would be horrible, but I didn't realize it would be like this. she's actually having fun and enjoying herself and making a few friends, and then theres me and I'm miserable and still have yet to speak to anyone really and she can't text in class when I'm out of class and I can't text in class when she's out. so thats great. I'm just waiting for the day she says someones flirting with her and she doesn't hate it. perks of dating a poly. I can't say no and deny her, especially when I'm not doing anything for her, or even seeing her, when someone else sees her almost every day. here come the watery eyes. plus, those kids are so much like her, they share her biggest passion. She always says she could never date someone who does what she does because it would be too much competition, but I feel like she's going to meet a photographer or videographer and it’ll be different enough to not impede on her talent, but it'll be similar enough that it’s great conversation and bonding. I'm just a jealous girlfriend, and college for us is looking to be the way I thought it would.

so, a summery for my future self who doesn't want to listen to this pity party:

Wednesday august 30, 2017. college sucks, I cry everyday, I hate my cheap dirty school and lame ass professors, I hardly see Girlfriend already, her experience is going great and I’m stressed af about starting a new job. countdown to the end of the semester-  74 days, 15 weeks, roughly 3.75 months, aka, too long to keep doing this shit. 

[adambstingus]

Inside The Handmaiden: A Lesbian Erotic Thriller and the Sexiest Film of the Year

Acclaimed filmmaker Park Chan-wook (‘Oldboy’) opens up about his upcoming film over beers with Jen Yamato in Austin, Texas. “>

Halfway through his first trip to Texas, Korean auteur Park Chan-wook found himself on a tour of a picturesque religious compound notorious for the sex crimes of a cult-like spiritual leader. Five years ago, its once-venerated guru Prakashanand Saraswati fled the country, escaping a trial that saw him sentencedin absentiato over two centuries in prison. On a hot Texas afternoon in September, the director ofOldboystrolled the grounds with his Leica taking in the palatial white granite architecture.

Park was taken by the sights and the lurid true tale, soaking in the experience as he seems to all his travels. The director and avid photographer had come to Austin to screen his Cannes hitThe Handmaidenat Fantastic Fest following its Toronto premiere. Hed tasted Texas BBQ. Hed shopped for trinkets along South Congress Ave. When we met to discuss his period lesbian love-thriller over fine Texan beers this week, he was still marveling at the beauty and hidden perversity forever tied to the Barsana Dham.

It reminded me a little of Uncle Kouzuki inThe Handmaiden, he joked of one of the many deliciously complex characters in his new film, speaking through his traveling companion and translator, Wonjo Jeong. Im a photographer. I thought going to a place like this Id be able to capture some absurd images on my camera. The power that religion has over people, how it draws people in, is always amazing.

Park, arguably Koreas most famed and celebrated filmmaker, made his directorial debut in 1992 and scored his first huge hit in 2000 with the record-breakingJ.S.A.: Joint Security Area, a military thriller about a mysterious murder between soldiers from North and South Korea. In 2003 he released his intoxicatingly elegiac revenge thrillerOldboyand became forever synonymous with its brand of hyperviolent, perverse brutality.

But there are stratums to Parks films, even as they tend toward the extremes of genre, from the two other films that round out hisVengeance Trilogyto his vampire taleThirstto 2013sStoker, the gothic potboiler that marked his English-language Hollywood debut. Consider: When he describes to me the walrus carved from walrus tusk hed just bought at one of Austins eclectic thrift stores, the conversation winds its way to a documentary hed enjoyed, also on the subject of discovering extraordinary objects in the most unexpected places.

It was a documentary calledFinding Vivian Maier, Park recalled. She worked as a nanny to children and at one estate sale one young man bought a lot of her films, and thats how this photographer Vivian Maier came to light. It provided lots of inspiration forCarol, starring Rooney Mara.

Seated at a long wooden table in the corner of a bustling Austin brewery armed with sampler flights of local craft beers, we toasted with a Bavarian-style lager dubbed the Hell Yes, and Park admitted that he prefers Texas BBQ to Korean BBQ. I just dont like marinated meat, he smiled. Please know this: Not all Koreans are fans ofbulgogi. He is, however, something of a beer connoisseur, although homegrown suds have a ways to go. Im really into the Belgian beers, Belgian ales. Korean beer is notorious for being the worst beer in the entire world, he lamented. But recently, a savior has risen in Korea! One of the big beer breweries has started to brew ales. Its very good.

Back home with friends when bar-hopping turns to karaokepractically a national pastimethats my cue to go home.

I envy those people who can play like that, he mused. But I wasnt born that way, unfortunately. Ive overcome a lot of my shyness over the years. Now I can do interviews and go onstage to introduce my films. Its always a difficult thing to do but the work has transformed me. Still, when I walk down the street and see myself on one of those big LED screens on the side of the building, I cringe.

Parks films, however, are quite the opposite: Bold, ballsy, stylish, and often intensely brutal, theyve come to represent the pinnacle of Koreas art house extreme. His is a signature thats difficult to replicate. But despite not yet having seen Spike Lees American remake of Oldboyitself an adaptation of a Japanese mangahes all for the reinterpretation of art. If he had to remake one of Lees films, Park mulled, it would be Jungle Fever.

InThe Handmaiden, Octobers sweeping and engrossing thriller set during Japanese colonial rule in Korea and adapted loosely from Sarah Waters England-set novelFingersmith, director Parks stamp is as evident as ever. Newcomer Kim Tae-ri stars as Sook-hee, a young Korean woman whos sent to work as the new handmaiden to Japanese noblewoman Lady Hideko (Kim Min-hee), who lives in quiet obedience to a Korean-born uncle whos obsessed with Japanese and Western culture. The twistat least, thefirsttwistis that Sook-hees really there to help swindle Hideko out of her fortune and take her place. The rest of The Handmaidens sublime treasures are best unspoiled save for the fact that the two women fall headlong in lovemaking for some steamy lesbian sex scenes that seized critics attention out of Cannes, as well as Parks most romantic film to date.

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Park had wanted for a long time to portray a homosexual character onscreen, particularly in a Korean society that rarely sees such stories told. I knew I wanted to deal with the subject someday, he said. What kind of homosexual film? The kind where the protagonist, who is homosexual, is not afraid of his or her sexualityand is not suffering under the critical eye of a conservative society. I wanted to make a film free of all that.

He sips another sampler glass, a crisp pilsner a little too dry for his tastes. In this film, for the characters who have fallen in love with each other, its just a matter of course. Theres no question about it. The issue they have to overcome is entirely something else, in that one is supposed to be deceiving the other:Am I allowed to love the person Im tricking?There are other issues besides being the same sex.

In addition to depicting the magnetic attraction between its two female protagonists in tender and exquisite detail, The Handmaiden features some of the most frankly sensual lesbian lovemaking scenes sinceBlue is the Warmest Color. Like that films same-sex sex scenes, the film risks incurring criticisms of a leering male gaze, but they also unfold with a keen sense of humor that makes the steamy symmetry of his actresses nude gymnastics less lascivious and more lovingly real.

The humor is the crux, he emphasized. These sex scenes arent all about the panting, the sweating, the going through the motions. They constantly talk to each other, and they look at each others face, and they make jokes.

Sook-hee and Hideko are also two complex characters whose inner workings reflect bigger themes asThe Handmaidenunspools one layer after another. In transplanting the original novels setting to colonial Korea, Park seeded The Handmaidenwith pointed cultural criticisms loaded with meaning for the Korea of today as much as that of yesterday.

Films in Korea thus far which have depicted the colonial period were all about independent movements or resistance fighters, he said. But this film is all about falling in love with a Japanese woman. The villain is actually of Korean ethnicity. His mind, his inner workings, shows that of a typical Japanese sympathizercolonial lackeyat the time. We have enough stories and films about those who fought against Japanese imperialists. Why dont we show and talk about the Koreans who worshipped the Japanese?

He elaborated: My point is that this continues to this day. The only thing thats different is they no longer worship the Japanese imperialistsin their place, they worship the Americans. And rather than idolize American values, they have internalized American values.

In recent years, Park lent his voice to public petitions protesting his governments arms sales to Israel and the censorship of the Busan Film Festival (Compared to the people who put everything they have on the line for these fights and causes, its nothing, he said.) But its no coincidence that Park says what worries him the most about the world is the unequal distribution of wealth both at home in Korea and across the world at large.

Im not saying that everything about America is wrong, he said. Neither am I saying that everything from overseas is wrong. Im saying that everything needs to be in balance between whats our own and whats foreign, among those who have the money, the power, and the informationthe ruling class. One of the reasons some Americans say that this election is pointless is that whoever wins the election, well end up with the same world where capitalism is king.

Park also saw in The Handmaiden the chance to actively battle an industry-wide problem hed started to notice: The underrepresentation of female characters in film. Certainly my interest in young women has gone up because Im the father of a daughter, he said, raising a hoppy IPA to his lips, and it helped me to realize how in cinema there arent many films that deal with the desires of a young woman in an honest way. Films dont tend to portray women as the main subject. It helped me become aware of this problem.

He started showing his films to his daughter, whos now studying art at university, when she was a childwell, all of them except forOldboy, for obvious reasons. Because there was a father-daughter relationship I couldnt bring myself to show it to her, he said. She saw it when she went to university. Fortunately she likes my films. Both women in his life nameThe Handmaidenas their favorite movie of his.

I have heard there is a debate at this film festival where a verbal debate is followed by a boxing match, he smiled, referring to the annual Fantastic Fest spectacle known as the Fantastic Debates, where filmmakers and critics face off over vital cinematic topics and determine the ultimate winner by pounding it out in the ring. I wouldlovefor someone to step up and put this to the test: Prove that all of Park Chan-wooks films are romantic films.

Its ironic to Park, and perhaps a bit frustrating, that he might be known as an artist most concerned with stories of violent revengealthough his films, includingThe Handmaiden, have that, too. Deep down, hes got a romantic streak. It peeks out when he describes how, years ago, he met his wife and saw Vertigo for the first time, and thus fell in love twice on the same day. Creatively I ask her for her opinions and I take a lot of her suggestions, he said. And shes my first love.

Why, then, does he think his films tend toward boundary-pushing extremes of human behavior, like incest, betrayal, mutilation, and extreme violence? Because Ive lived such a boring and mundane life, he shrugged. Every storyteller should never confine themselves to the very small limits of their own experience. Rather, they should be able to put themselves in the position of every different kind of human beingand sometimes non-human beings, as well.

If Park has the ability to put himself in the paws of animals for the sake of art, does he feel bad even years later, for the poor octopi that gave their lives to be eaten by Choi Min-sik inOldboy, in whats still one of the most indelible scenes hes ever filmed?

He considered it, sipping a hoppy red named the Big Mama, a dish of bacon-wrapped quail between us. Not really, he said. In Korea, live octopus is served sliced into pieces, still wriggling on the plate. What difference does it make if its eaten chopped or whole?

Some cephalopod enthusiasts argue that octopi, with their uncanny abilities to liberate themselves from tanks and multitask, are creatures of consciousness who maybe even have souls. I explained how its a thought that haunts me every time I rewatch that scene in Oldboy, the tentacles writhing in Oh Dae-sus mouth as he renders its owner apartarguably that films most sensual and sensory moment, a visceral collision of art, life, and real violence.

Director Park gave it another moments thought. Im not sure whether the existence of a soul equates to your level of intellectual ability. Do we say that snappers dont have souls, but octopi do? If thats the case, what about cows and pigs? he countered, a twinkle in his eye. Youve seenBabe, right?

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/2017/06/25/inside-the-handmaiden-a-lesbian-erotic-thriller-and-the-sexiest-film-of-the-year/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/162228109327