#im not too sure what the triggers are but i'm going to put a tw tag on it anyways because of the top right clip

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi guys! Got an anon ask with some triggers, so I'm copying it here so I can put a 'read more.'

TW: ED, SH

Here's the original ask:

hey Cas!

hru today? <3

I rlly don’t wanna bother u but I just need some advice bc I’m in a pretty tricky situation and I don’t know who I couldn’t turn to who wouldn’t then tell OTHER people (adults etc)

also a TW b4 anyone reads further: ED (not me but a a friend) and generally bad mental health (including sh and sui)

Basically I have this friend (one of my best friends) who’s struggled with really bad mental health and attempted in the past (we weren’t friends during this time but they’ve shared it with me) they have told me they no longer sh but I’m not entirely sure if I believe him on that but I guess there’s nothing to do except just take their word for it and they are definitely doing better than they were before (about a year or two ago)

thing is this friend does still have a (pretty bad I think) ED (specifically I think they have anorexia but I’m really not sure because I don’t know that much about EDs. I’ve tried to do some research but it’s actually incredibly hard to find any info about them especially in terms of ways to emotionally show support. In a medical sense they always seemed to be talked about like minor things(?) idk it’s hard to explain but often times I’ve been reading actual factual medical stuff and just been disgusted at the ways it’s discussed, like they try so hard to describe it from a technical viewpoint that they essentially the entire mental health aspect of it which kind of demeans the whole thing bc EDs ARE a mental health disorder)

sorry went on a little side rant there but basically I’ve tried to find stuff out but it’s really hard to learn about the mental health aspect and even harder to find stuff out about how to HELP someone through an ED

I’ve even resorted to looking thru some more unsavoury places for info (including anablr), I know these types of places encourage EDs and I am actually not a person who really loves their body very much but I do think I’m in a strong enough place emotionally to do this (and so far I’ve been correct, I’m unaffected) because I just wanted some actual insight on what it’s like

the problem with my friend is that she’s ALREADY in therapy. Her parents put her in it when they found out about her vaping habit but they just lie all the time (she tells me about it) because they have like serious trust issues due to past trauma and I’m gonna be honest, I 100% believe therapy is a good thing but sadly it is also entirely useless if the person doesn’t make any effort to get better

all I can do in that aspect of it is hope the therapy is going better than the jokes he makes about it or that eventually she will feel comfortable enough to share and process her issues

in terms of the ED what im really lost with is how to help

and don’t get me wrong, I know you can’t really help a person who doesn’t want to be helped but honestly I’m not giving up on this person I care about that easily. I will NOT be another person in their life who abandons them for being ‘too much’ or ‘too difficult’. I’ve already accepted the fact that I will not be able to help them out of it really (as best as I can at least)

I’ve already taken to carrying gum and mints in my school bag as much as I can (usually I’ll have a pack of both and I just share them with everyone so this person doesn’t actually catch wind that they’re the reason I do as quite often when they skip lunch they do help themselves to a few of my mints or gum pieces but ik if they knew it was for them they’d stop bc she’s just like that)

I just don’t know how else to help emotionally though, I’m one of the only people (I might be the ONLY person at all) that they feel comfortable enough to talk to about these issues and I just think its better that they’re telling someone who cares about them and is trying to help than telling no one at all which seems to be the alternative. The issue is I don’t know how to respond or show support especially because (thank u trust issues and trauma (/s) the window of vulnerability is SMALL (I’m talking a couple of seconds literally) before they’re joking and changing the subject

Also a small (but frankly compared to the rest of this, not very important) detail is that like I previously mentioned I am also not suuuper happy with my body ( I don’t sh really or have an ED in any way shape or form) and sometimes the stuff he says slightly upsets me (just like once I told him about how my mean grandma told me I was fat and had to eat less and he said his grandma forces him to eat more and that my grandma ‘sounds like her wet dream’ - I know this was just a joke obviously but I didn’t rlly love it considering my grandma is a pretty big source of my looks based insecurities)

like I said in no way is it on the same level and obviously I know it’s not coming from a place of malice because this friend also really looks out for my mental health like way more than my other friends tbh (I don’t know if it’s bc they struggled with it or whether they’re the only one who seems to notice I’m the therapist friend haha but they are the FIRST person to ask if anything’s wrong if I’m acting different and I rlly want to stress that because I know that from what I’ve said so far they may have come across as selfish or something but they are actually one of the kindest people ever) that’s especially why I’m worried if I bring anything up about wanting to help with little things or especially anything about not being a fan of little jokes that she’ll just stop talking about it at all in an attempt to make me feel more comfortable)

for context for all of this, I’m 15 (we both are) so still in school and they’re parents absolutely SUCK (in the most non violent way possible I would like to kill them [not actually but I do really hate them and wish them only the worst]) so there’s no emotional support coming from home for him

I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this in real life because (for privacy reasons) they’ve asked me not to share it with like my other friends and I don’t have the greatest relationship with my parents (they’re not like abusive or neglectful or anything but we just have a lot of differences and just I’ve very much emotionally distanced myself from them)

sorry if this is too much because I do know it’s a really tricky situation and even though all of us sort of deify you, you’re still only one person and if this does make you uncomfortable or upset (not just if it’s triggering I mean just in general if you’re reading this and you don’t feel comfortable) in anyway please don’t force yourself to answer or feel guilty if you don’t because the last thing I’d want to do is put you in that kind of position

Im not sure if ill send in more anons but if I do then ill refer to myself (and you can call me) lacy anon so you know who I am (yes after the song bc i rlly love it haha)

Anyway sending lots and lots of love from the person who does basically look up to you as their adult role model and who I wanna be like when I’m older <3

Hi love! You're not bothering me at all!

So, first, I want to let you know that I am an adult, but when I say this, I hope you don't take it as...condescending, I guess? Because I don't mean it that way at all. I want to be realistic in the fact that these things you are dealing with are VERY grown-up and scary, and you are handling them in a remarkably mature way, but you are still legally fifteen.

This is way too much for a fifteen year old to take on.

You genuinely seem like the most amazing person. The fact that you have done research and carry around things for your friends, all to help them with their ED is frankly restoring my faith in humanity a bit. But I worry that you are placing WAY too much of the responsibility on yourself. I don't mean to be bleak or too blunt, but if god forbid anything ever happened, I would hate for you to blame yourself, and it sounds like you would. Your job is to be this person's friend. Not their therapist or caretaker.

So, here's my advice: I absolutely agree that you should not give up on them! But make sure you have boundaries. It broke my heart to read that you were going to places like anablr just to help- that's not healthy for you! As a friend, especially at your age, your most important job is to make sure your friend doesn't feel alone. And you're doing an amazing job, in my opinion. They seem to be willing to talk to you, and that's a big deal. But, in the best way, you are fifteen, and you don't have to have all the answers! Sometimes, the best way to support someone is to remind them that they are loved and they have someone in their corner. BUT remember that being there for someone doesn't mean you have to sacrifice yourself or your mental health. Say something if a joke makes you uncomfortable. "I love you so much, but that joke makes me feel uncomfortable. Can you maybe not joke like that?" It's okay and healthy to set those boundaries.

Please remember, you are not responsible for this person. You can love them and be there for them and care deeply, but you are responsible for you and your own health. Don't forget you.

My last very gentle suggestion is this: If you ever get to the point that you are so genuinely worried about this friend that you think it is a life-or-death situation, please don't take that on by yourself. I know it is scary, and I know that telling adults mean that there can be ramifications, but remember that if you are genuinely scared, then an adult needs to be there to keep everyone safe. Very bluntly: Trust can be rebuilt but you can't bring people back from some other very permanent decisions.

Again, you are a wonderful person, and a fantastic friend. But remember to take yourself into account and stay safe in all ways. I know this is probably not the advice you want to hear, but I hope maybe you'll consider it.

Sending so much love! <3 <3 <3

[nighthaterfrfr]

i don't bite (well, maybe that's a lie)

[it rotted my brain so much that i couldnt resist. thank u @jben073 for helpin me w the ending, my writing still sucks but wtvr... look lets make it modern bc im not doing research on old shit. my brains small so i dont wanna make it smaller. @wispexists made this beautiful art, check it pls pls pls its so good

anwho here it is

OH TW FOR BLOOD BEFORE I FORGET (vampire.. duh) ]

People's blood is a very sacred thing. In many religions, it's often considered the life of a human. Yet, it's something vampires need for sustenance. Most consider vegan diets, and some just become full on killers when too unregulated.

Stephanie Lauter is unfortunately, a vampire. From what she overhears, her dad made some deal with eldritch gods, and that's why she's here. Solomon Lauter hates his daughter, but she hates him back too. However, to not expose this secret to the public, he helps get Steph's cravings in check by supplying her with animal blood.

Yet, it's never a filling meal. She hasn't had a proper, enriching, bit of human blood in such a long time. Not since middle school. But never in a million years did she expect to drink the blood of the pastor's daughter, Grace Chasity.

Nor did she expect how delicious the blood would be.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Every other day, Steph spends her nights at the old Waylon Hall. Hearing all the rumors about the place, it doesn't seem so bad. It's just really fucking abandoned and creepy. Nonetheless, a few candles and fairy lights powered by battery packs make the house look a lot less evil.

This night, she decided to bring more and more of her belongings into the living room. Yeesh, it's a damn mess. She swept the floor with an old broom she found in a janitorial closet, suited most likely for a maid. The more Steph cleaned up the hall, the more she liked that it became kind of her own hideaway. A very eerie home away from home.

After a few hours of just generally cleaning and decorating the main room, she smiled. For once her life, Stephanie Lauter had made something she was proud of. How fun.

Suddenly, she heard an opening from the front door.

For the months she had spent going here, no one had dare even approach the Hall's grounds. So who the fuck seems brave enough to wander in the most "haunted" place in all of Hatchetfield?

Who the fuck..

Steph had hid in some big closet in the room, and took a look at the girl trespassing in her space. In which she was also trespassing in. The girl wore a light blue sweater and a white button up underneath. She wore a brown skirt, white socks and Black Mary Janes. She had rolled up the sleeves of both the button up and the sweater and had her hair in a side part.

Look, she was already in a silk dress meant for sleeping, and she did not want to be disturbed by some girl. However, something just... attracted her. Steph sniffed something good. Better than the "wagyu cow blood" her dad ended up getting to satisfy the urges. Shit, this came from the girl, didn't it?

God- it smelled so good. That feeling of hunger filled Steph's mind and triggered her vampiristic instincts. She need to feed, fast.

As the girl turned her back, Steph quietly came out of the closet she was hiding him. Walking towards the back of her, she saw that her neck was wide open. Thank god for people parting their hair sideways. As she was about to feed, she snapped back to reality, wobbling back and falling on the floor. Of course, the girl turned around, and looked right at Steph.

"Oh my- who are you? What are you doing out here so late?"

The girl put a hand out, and Steph took it. She quickly responded, "I suppose I could ask you the same question, but I don't think I'll get an answer. I'm Steph." "Grace. My father and I were seeing the house earlier, and I left my 'What Would Jesus Do?' bracelet here." Steph nodded as her eyes are remained on Grace's neck and forearms. They sure do look appealing.

Grace yawned, and ended up sitting on the floor. Steph had already placed some sort of old mattress on there, and simply covered with a bedsheet. "Man, I gotta bike back..." Steph looked at the girl while she complained, and smirked slightly. With an alluring look in her eyes, she turned Grace's head to look at her. "Ah, it's alright. Rest here for a bit, I won't bite."

Grace looked nervous at the offer. She had to go home, she wanted to go home. Yet, this girl... Steph, she just drew her in. Before she knew it, her mouth muttered the words yes, and the two kept on staring at each other. "Now Grace, I have to ask you a question. Do you know anything about vampires and the like?"

"...no? If it's some kind of like, band fans, then I have no idea about them."

Steph looked shocked at this admission, and tried to think through how she'll phrase this properly. In order to charm a human properly, you first need a good approach, don't you?

"Ok then. A vampire is.. a creature who preys on human blood. They usually hate the sunlight, garlic, and silver. Got it?" Grace nodded. "I do. How come you're telling me this?" "Will you believe me if I say that I am a vampire?"

Grace looked confused at the question. Was this girl playing some kind of cruel trick with her? But, like God commanded, answer truthfully. "Why would I? You sound kind of insane right now." Steph smirked, opening her mouth and baring her fangs. They're way too sharp and long to be just a regular humans, and she put her hair back behind her pointed, pierced ears. Grace looked a bit scared, she's never seen a person like this, but regardless, she wanted to know more.

Something keeps telling her she wants to know more.

"And look, Grace. I'm quite hungry right now. Would you mind if I.. just got a bit of your blood~?"

Steph asked, leaning closer towards Grace. The closer she got, the redder the other girl's face was. She then pushed her away slightly, hesitance in her voice. "I... I don't- will it hurt?" "Probably, Gracie. Do you want me to comfort your boo boo, then?" Grace blushed even more, unsure what this feeling is towards the mysterious girl and confused as to what's happening.

Look, Grace had some strong willpower. That's what you have when your dad's the town pastor, after all. However, when she offered her arm to Steph, who's presumably a "vampire," that might be the complete opposite fact. "Go- just take what you need..."

The vampire widened her eyes. From stories she's heard, people need a lot more convincing. But this pretty girl just offers up her arm and blood? Hey, at least it was easy to get a meal for Steph today.

She took Grace's arm gently, placing it near her mouth. Jesus, the smell of the blood really came out. Her mouth almost watered at simply the smell, but why sniff it instead of tasting it?

Steph's fang suck into the arm, Grace wincing slightly from the pain. As she sucked the blood, she couldn't believe the taste. She couldn't believe how energized she was. And she couldn't believe how insatiable the feeling was from getting this girl's blood was.

Grace watched as Steph sucked the blood out of her arm. It was a bit painful, but is it weird to say it somehow made her extremely tired and excited? She could see her blood dripping down her arm as Steph eagerly feasting on her. It's scary, but it's somehow so attractive at the same time. She could easily pull away- it's not even like she's forcing her too.

It's just that... the feeling in her stomach that she gets from simply seeing this girl means letting Steph doing whatever she wanted. After a few minutes of silence and blood sucking, Steph lifted her head from Grace's forearm, wiping the blood from her mouth with the back of her hand.

As Grace slowly put her arm down, Steph looked at her, longingly and hungry for more. Steph quietly said, "Do you- do you feel ok? Are you too hurt?" The other girl nodded no, and Steph stood up, walking around the room. On top of the fireplace, she rummaged through a little box and found a roll of bandages. Tearing a long piece of it off with her teeth, Steph began to tightly wrap the fabric onto Grace's forearm.

The feeling of Steph wrapping her arm with the bandage, hell the feeling of the wound itself? It all felt numb. Grace Chasity couldn't feel anything ever since Stephanie Lauter sucked her blood. All she knows is that it felt so damn good.

Finally tying the bandage off, Steph leaned back from Grace, letting her sit up. "Alright, let's see.." Steph stared into her eyes, rolling down both the button up and sweater sleeves, covering both of her arms. She stood up, offering a hand out to Grace so that she can also stand up beside her, "Now, I'm sorry pretty girl, but you can't remember this.. for a while. However," Steph paused for a second, twirling a big strand of Grace's hair.

"I have a feeling we'll meet again, won't we? You're of course, drawn to me, but somehow I am too. Even without drinking your blood, something intrigues me about you, Grace. Come back here next time, won't you~?"

As she let go of the other girl's hair, Grace simply smiled and started walking out. Steph hated the charm ability vampires had as she saw the girl leave. Sure, it benefits both her and the person who she charmed because now whoever she targets will have no recollection of what she's done. Yet, something about Grace made her want to have her remember tonight. She wanted Grace to recognize her face and know who left that mark on her forearm. Oh well, what can a girl like her do?

Sighing and lying on the mattress, she closes her eyes. That was good, no, great blood. That's settled. Great blood comes from the prettiest people. Who knew?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Grace Chasity woke up the next day, in her bed and feeling somewhat extra tired. It was.. 2 in the afternoon? Huh. As she stood up and walked to the bathroom, she looked in the mirror. She didn't change at all from when she came back home yesterday from school. Thank goodness it was a Saturday, or else she would've gotten in big trouble with her parents.

As she turned on the faucet, she rolled up her sleeves so that the water wouldn't soak the fabric. The more she rolled her sleeves up, the more she saw that on her right arm, bandages tightly covered her forearm. Well that's.. odd.

Stopping for a minute, she pondered over how she got the bandage on her wrist. Staring at the blood covered and hastily wrapped fabric, Grace shook it off and began to start washing her face.

Eh, she must've fell while riding her bike.

[questionablepastries]

large vent

tw: suicidal ideation

I need to type this out for my own sanity. But also the entire purpose is on the off chance that someone reads this and, in some way, relates to what I'm experiencing. Not the entirety of it, but a part of it, would be enough for me to justify sharing my experiences. Normally, I would have written this out in a diary but something tells me that by sharing it and letting people they are not alone would be more beneficial than keeping this to myself. To preface everything, these are first world problems. All of this spiraling - ok first off my behavior towards what is really the most minor of all triggers is annoyingly blown over. All that happened was that someone i thought i could have befriended more given time and more chats- just one day decided i wasnt worth being (and i hate typing this) mutuals with.

What made me laugh was the idea of describing my lil hissy fit emotional tantrum to my boomer absolutely not online coworkers and they would all most likely laugh about it. But the more i thought about losing this mutual, the question i kept going back to was why? why was i blowing this out of proportion? what even caused this big of a reaction in me? well first off, i was really riding on the hope to get to know them better. i really wanted to be friends with them. the great thing about online friendships is that it eliminates any barriers that would be present if someone tried to make friends with you in person. you dont worry about smelling bad, looking weird, stuttering, bad posture, etc. so truly i was thinking if our interests aligned enough and we cracked some jokes we had something, that could blossom into something cool. instead it didnt and they just dropped me entirely out of nowhere, and me being my silly self thinks somehow its my fault.

honestly though im sure they were going through something - like they would constantly post about wanting ppl to unfollow them and me going oh that cant be about me surely, nah it was most definitely about me. i cant nail down what it was though, did i not reach out enough? did i joke too much? was i too little was i too much. unfortunately, with the lack of a physical barrier im taking this as a personal fault that I Really messed something up. Something about me as a person is inherently undesirable and therefore not worth putting in the time or effort to talk to -- there must have been something off about me for this to have played out the way it did, right? I keep running scenarios in my head like oh what if i reached out more, or what if i responded in a different way that one time -- as if it can change the outcome of what has happened but. all of this. all of this emotional self inflicting stupid reaction im having stems from my own struggles in real life to make friends. this has been a running trend all my 28 years (yeah 28!) and.. to bring myself back to reality and to keep my emotions from spilling over. I came up with a good strategy.

I always ground myself by saying to myself in a silly voice as if one would calm down a pet "are you punishing yourself for having become the person you are today due to your shitty environment/upbringing that you had no control over" and "are you punishing yourself for factors out of your control Again? eye roll come on now" and thats literally how ive been grounding myself this entire time whenever i get really uncomfortable with how i am as a person in real life. and yeah honestly my upbringing sucks ass it sucks soooo much. i have no extended family and it has never been more obvious since i became conscious as a toddler to this day that my extended family on both sides absolutely does not give a shit about me nor my immediate family. my immediate family being my mom and my sister. my mom and my sister are my ONLY family. side note and i mean this semi-jokingly: if you have a family fuck you. when my coworkers talk about their uncles or their aunts or their grandparents or how they were raised by their grandparents or how they hung out with their cousins and how they went on vacations, or how they spent time with their dad. i feel this massive vacancy in my heart that is a placeholder of what i want so desperately to have happened. i feel like those scenarios they describe to me are just not possible, families only exist on tv shows, and christmas specials, thats not a real thing. it has never been a reality for me. unrelatable. all of it. and as a first generation child from immigrants (lets not even get into my dad we havent spoken to him in over a decade) my only memories are of food stamps, being smelly in school because my mom could literally not afford the time to take care of me or afford a baby sitter, my stuttering, my inability to join extracurricular activities due to money, all of it added up to my ostracization throughout the entirety of my school years.

& as a child on welfare it was very much drilled into me that the only escape from poverty is through education and i took that very seriously. im a fucking scientist now i passed the national exam to get where i am. where i failed socially didnt matter to me back then as long as i had good grades, grades were All that mattered to me. and i succeeded. but not without some draw backs. ive always been an awkward person. i have a couple of friends few and far between in person. its literally three people that i keep in contact with in real life and i am extremely grateful that they reach out to me but its also like. i gotta do better lol one of them forgot my birthday this year and the other one only texted me 'birth' on my birthday, the last one he's a keeper - we're basically brothers and he always checks in on me, but he doesnt live in the same state as me. so all of that is to say. When this person broke mutuals it kind of made me, or rather for my own sanity, seriously re-evaluate my relationship with how i spend my free time, and who and what exactly am i placing value in. this person absolutely does not care about me and i dont expect them to. and given what little we had in terms of an online friendship i guess i let my hope of a cool friendship with them blind me to the reality of what we actually had. time and time again i have placed more hope and love into online individuals that do not reciprocate - and usually they just drop the ball on me. which is like ok. im sure i was either too little or too much i can never accurately gauge how intense i am due to, you know, Lack of Real Life Experience. oh right the suicide thing, so like for the longest time i struggled with suicidal idealization - it only stopped until i graduated about two years ago. In my pre-teens to late teens i told myself that if i was in the same scenario where my mom and my sister are my only family but we were well off i would definitely have killed myself.

I decided as a pre-teen that my only worth was how high i could get into my academics in order to lift my mom out of poverty. that was the Singular Only driving factor that kept me alive. kinda. damn that sucks to write out lol but its true! that was my mantra back then and i would repeat it anytime something shitty happened to me or someone was mean to me. im not sure where im going with this. i just wanted to get it out there, that i was and still am very lonely in person, and whats funny is that im not even like ugly im just average, i hung out with my sister and dolled myself up a bit for my birthday and we went to the mall and three guys hit on me unprompted so its definitely not a looks thing - SPEAKING OF when i got into uni and moved into an apartment with four roomates i was like this is my YEAR, im gonna go out SO MUCH im gonna walk around campus im gonna go out late and do school clubs!! and then covid happened. the apartment lease was worthless. i stayed indoors exactly the same amount as i always did only this time it was justified, but it sucked because that was the time i had decided i was going to break my cycle of staying inside holy shit that fucking sucked. and then my senior year of college i didnt need to stay in an apartment anymore because i was required to be in a hospital four days out of the week for training so i ended up back at my moms. i think there is something wrong w me tho bc im not saying it was being poor that led to me being awkward. but it didnt help, and im gonna go ahead and blame my lack of a support group - family wise, my entire life, on how uh. i came out. lately im trying to reel back how blunt i am. which. uh. hmm. i actually have a large language barrier with my mom. somehow i picked up on understanding spanish but not speaking it perfectly, it improved, im way better at speaking it now.

but i could hardly communicate with my mom while growing up, and she never expressed interests in my hobbies or who i was as a person, to this day i am and will forever be a 7 year old toddler in her eyes. she still shows no interest in me as a person or who i am. which is fine with me, ive accepted that she wont change, because she grew up in a more messed up environment and this entire time only until Recently, she had been on breadwinner providing for my two daughters survival mode. um. so , like i mentioned. that person breaking mutuals just shone a light on how, broken i am as a person? you would think, without physical barriers the sky is the limit when it comes to befriending people but no i still struggle i cant do anything right i suppose. i just need to focus on improving my life outside of online spaces. people online will reach out of they want to and can so im trying to lessen my hopes in general. and um. idk im at a loss for words currently. i simply dont know where to begin when it comes to , anything? living? hmm. i only just escaped school so i feel like i can breath - air for once. im no longer under the scary pressure of - if i fail at school im better off dead- ohh i think i know what i can add - offline people are WEIRD. ive had a couple of hiccups with friends irl that i literally dont talk to anymore! one of them became a misogynist red pill guy, another guy kept trying to touch me every time we hung out! and the last guy kept telling me to fuck off when i asked how he was doing!! hmmm. yeah this is just circling back to my current mantra which is to not be overly mean to myself for how i am currently due to my , situations leading up to now. I DONT KNOW. here's hoping..!! something !! anything is nice to me!! ohhhh i remembered something else. recently my coworker exchanged numbers w me saying something about haning out with other coworkers in the future. i am so desperately trying not to get my hopes too high up. always happens tho!!!!!!!! i get my hopes up when it comes to making friends both offline and online!!!!!! and guess what keeps happening again and again!!! HAHA………..can i have hope this time??? do u know once i tried reaching out to a mutual i wanted to befriend and get closer to (we were calling each other friends by this point) on Three Separate Platforms i knew they were active on only for them to Not respond to Anything i sent? AND i didnt even reach out three times in a row I Spaced It Out like a Normal Person. Only for Them to Tell me how they were having Fun in Their Friend Group of Other Online People talking about our Mutual Interests. Do you know how fucking stupid i felt at that moment. Oh im sorry am i not cool enough to be invited to that. Am i too stupid what is it about me thats so repellent??

I know its common courtesy to not be straight to people and tell them whats wrong with them but damn i wish someone would be straight with me and Not leave me hanging UGH. I realized at that moment tho that I never wanted to BE that desperate EVER AGAIN. I felt like such a stupid asshole holy shit. I never want to be that desperate for some onlines person attention ever again oh my god,, i dont think ill ever forgive them for that. its all on me though!!!!!!!!! mY FAULT!!!!!!!, for placing Value and i guess getting my Hopes up that i could make friends again WHOOPSIES i forgot im fuckin uhhh Ultra stinko Stupid Bitch who cant maintain any sort of relationship!!! back to the ditch on the side of the road i go to drink my stupid pond water like the unlovable unwarranted piece of shit nobody wants to hang out with again!!!!!!!! MY BAD!!!!!!! SO SORRY TO BOTHER. well its whatever i got money now, i have a job. and as much as i would like to say well earning money is all that matters right? its not. im a greedy greedy jealous little sniveling BITCH and my heart will never stop yearning for what others take for Granted. SO YEAH LOL. this has felt great to type out!! if you relate to any of that...um... Im sorry!!!!! we all in this together. but maybe not really im just gonna be kept at arms length with literally anyone i try to befriend offline due to me bein a little weirdo who cant relate to anything haaa,,, i want to end this on a positive note but fuck that! This is where im currently at and this is my current predicament! Will it improve? sure if i put some effort into myself and spend less time online and stop putting rakes on the ground to step on. i literally set myself up for getting hurt everytime ill figure out a way to make the pain hurt less.

[sluttyminghao]

hello i need some advice pls, i dont know if you usually answer things like this but i feel a bit lost on who to tell this to. im not very experienced sexually and want some guidance. if u don’t want to answer it’s okay too 🥺

tw for idk bad sex dub con maybe?? not sure

i went on a date with a guy and when we had sex he tried to choke without checking if i was into that first or even teasing like lightly putting his hand on my neck first or smth, just very sudden and i’m not into too much aggressiveness in bed as it is kind of triggering for me. i did stop him and continued but i feel like crap now. it was our first date like ee barely knew each other, i think it’s too much to just go for it like that :( and he didn’t even check in with me afterwards, apologized or anything like that, just kept fucking like nothing happened. do you think i’m overreacting in feeling like crap? ☹️

im so sorry you went through that anon, it sounds like it might've been pretty traumatic for you :(

this is where communication is super duper important. whether you're on a first date or been married for 10 years, you need to be communicating with your partner on what you like and don't like. I'm so proud of you for stepping up for yourself and saying no, that's the first step in the right direction!

as for that...i don't even want to call him a man, throw him in the bin. if he doesn't bother to check on you, apologize or anything, it's safe to say he may do it again and have the same reaction. best to cut ties with him before he attempts it again.

i don't think you're overreacting at all, honey, this is something that is so personal and you've already done the right thing. in my opinion, I wouldn't see him again. i hope that you'll still be okay, and you'll find peace soon <3

[ssuperficialspacecadett]

Really, really lovely story

I really appreciate the way they got together. It wasn’t a slow burn but wasn’t immidietly sex, just a nice pace

But what truly got me was how they hooked up

So like I’ve done it in fics where the character is a victim of SA they are hesitant to have sex and that’s fine and good but it’s not always true for everyone

Without getting too much into it, it happened to me and then I hooked up with another guy a few times

It happened again and I still hooked up with a few more guys. It wasn’t a huge deal, I didn’t cry after, it didn’t trigger me and these weren’t guys I necessarily would say made me feel “safe” but decent guys

I appreciate how you made it that it wasn’t this big deal that they hooked up bc it’s not always

Of course it’s lovely that she trusted him with that part of her, but it wasn’t this gasp moment

And the way she deals with Brunson is great bc just bc she’s traumatized doesn’t mean she can’t stand her own you know?

We need more victims who are still strong and keep moving and it doesn’t mean what happened was any less horrible or traumatizing but people deal in different ways

I love this series, thank you so much 🥰

P.s. WILL AND ROBIN will miller my beloved

I feel like will needs a girl who can hold her own bc Will takes care of everyone and could stand to get taken care of once in a while

TW: sexual assault ,, please read at your own discretion & if you want to completely skip this that's okay as well ! have a good day/night !

as much as i wanted to write a slow burn that was so agonizing and gut wrenching,, i kinda fucked myself with the six month time limit LMAO but I'm glad that you liked the pace ! i thought it was sweet and realistic for these two characters

since you were kind enough to share, i will as well ,, i was a victim of sexual assault back in 2020 and i really didn't know how to cope with it/ how to talk about it for a long time so writing became a major outlet ,, i know that including it in my stories my be triggering or hard to read for some people and i completely understand if they chose not to read it because its a theme ,, and I do want to say that I am so sorry that you had to experience something like this

i wanted to make sure that i put that first explicit consent in the clementine kisses chapter because that's something thats important to me specifically,, that tiny check in to make sure all parties are having fun with what is going on/ what will happen

yes (: just because she had a terrible experience I wanted to make sure that she is still a strong individual and that strength (in real like unfortunately) may come into play in situations that involve men like Brunson

I truly believe that we deal with our trauma in our own time,, i won't claim that you are completely healed from yours as I know I am definitely not healed from mine,, but I hope that this story (i know its just a silly fic but never the less) can help people who have dealt with SA be reminded that they are still just as powerful as before it happened,, it might feel like something was taken from you and I never want to invalidate someones feelings, but just making sure that i told myself that my abuser didn't take anything from me was healing,, im still me

i'm so beyond happy to receive a lengthy ask like this and that you love this series enough to talk to me about it <3

PS: i have some cute things cooking for our sweet sweet willy boy and our lovely robbie hehe

[mchiti]

still me, one direction anon 😂 I laughed when you said we will be singing live while we're young at the their reunion in our 40s. At this rate this is probably going to happen. I think it's good they are not reuniting sooner though, as much as I missed them I know it was very bad for them 😔. That's why I don't understand their resentment towards zayn still given he was battling an ED. Sorry for ranting in your ask about them btw. Im probably annoying you 😂😂 But you're so nice xxx

Hi dear anon! Forgive me if i'm answering after days. I actually find it very sweet that I reblogged one single song from zayn and I have summoned a wave of nostalgia jhfgdsa. I really don't mind it bc I love those memories and I actually loved those losers (affectionate). Still listen to them occasionally and memorabilia is still there in my room and there it stays, no shame. collective pop culture is a great thing that shapes generations (we like it or not).

I'm just putting the rest under the cut for two reasons: first I don't want to annoy who understandably doesn't give a shit and second

TW: EATING DISORDER please look away if it's triggering.

From what I gather from keeping up occasionally when I feel nostalgic: I think they all kind of came to terms with everything? I saw a recent interview of Louis cause he talked about Zayn and I actually found it very sweet how he said he does understand more of it now. I actually really appreciate Louis as a person. I kind of thought of Harry as a pettier person but he was also nice enough when he talked about Zayn recently?

To be fair I think they all knew about his ED. I know a lot of their fans are still very delusional and find stuff when they are not there (the first rule always was: do not believe anything they say). But one thing that actually makes sense to me is that story of Harry never singing "weigh" in little things in the last half of 2014 (which was when Zayn said his disorder was at its worst and it was so apparent looking back at it now. It makes me so uncomfortable when I see videos & pics of that time. You know? That's also a very sensitive topic to me so yeah I feel so sorry for him, he looked so fragile and yet we were all here stanning him and thinking he looked like a Disney prince then...I'm glad those days are over yeah? I still find Four the best album and I have fond memories of it but they really looked terribly exhausted). I don't want to sound delusional and I certainly don't want to cuddle a white man for doing the bare minimum but seems to me very obvious he knew about it from the way he used to look at him while (not) singing that and from a lot of dynamics. and so the others. I guess it was mostly about the way he left in the middle of that tour, but it's been 8 years now...really feels like a lifetime. Sure they were rich and privileged, but what happened to them in terms of overwork and exhaustion really should not happen again (5 albums and 4 world tours in 5 years? How is that ...yeah) I think they all suffered much and they certainly know it and hint at that all the time. If they come back in years and on their own terms, that'll be very sweet (and i'll be there too! lool)

[spikeybonesandwich]

hrrrhg ur so real for that oh my god my friend and i did a thing and their oc put mine through The Horrors and AUGHUIEAGDHIUGJDFXBHSFKHBSHGB JRAEHTGERGHIUHGIDFXJKBGHRSFJHSIJ RAHHHHAHTAHTAHTAHAETHATIHERDGJFGBHAKRTGJHIUhrgiuURHTGKJD (/vpos)

uh tws for extreme violence/murder (It is BAD. I'm serious.) and death

they went in with seven members to their group. they left with just two.

they watched a man disintegrate and another turn to a puddle of acid.

they had to look their comrade in the face and tell them they were dying from radiation poisoning, then they just had to keep going.

they looked down the barrel of a gun and the person behind it was their future self. they convinced both versions of themself not to kill them both. they looked through the sights of their gun--their gun that they will use against their own fallen comrades--at the spot between their own eyes, and they pulled the trigger. it's the best outcome for their future self, even though their boss, the spectre, won't let them stay dead. (UAGHGHHAEJH!!!!!!)

they got chased down by the galaxy-eradicating monster which is surrounded by a dark, abyssal aura that sapped the life from all it touched. it gained on them, slowly but surely, but their magic kept them going... until their body stopped working, a mere 30 feet from their ship, their way home. they tried teleportation, and they were torn in half. their top half made it to the entrance of the ship, tried to crawl in while haphazardly using healing magic on themself, and felt a foot with immense weight resting on it on their back. the monster demands to know who they are, they tell him, and their parts are fused back together (as they feel it happening). with magic, they're lifted into the air, turned around, and they see the same one who sent them in, their boss. he is PISSED. he berates them for not following orders, and eternal realizes this one sent in their future self, the one they shot between the eyes earlier. they try to explain what's going on, but their boss is enraged. he won't listen. he steps closer to where he's holding them in midair, and he winds back his fist. eternal is ready for the blow, but it never comes. he drops them and goes into their head. (my friend told me she totally intended him to whale on eternal, muramura style, but it copied wrong. honestly, a little disappointing, but i feel like the lack of a proper release of tension combined with the confusion is pretty friggin good. now they're even more tense, they're paranoid, they're scared. oougiuardfkHGKA)

ok and then a comrade they thought died, the irradiated one, came to the ship alive, and then he DIED ANYWAY. and they totally blame themself too because their boss, the murderous one in their head, got out and stabbed their comrade to death. brutalized them. they were unrecognizeable and flung over two seats at the end. (hhHRHERUEGSHKJG)

eternal has to bury a body as the sun rises, the mangled corpse of T, the irradiated one. and it's so horribly beautifully sad. "It's morning... the sun is slowly rising over a glossy horizon... and you've a body to bury." the world is still turning. after that haunting night, the sun still rises in the morning. T is dead, riddled with holes and ripped apart, but the morning dew is still hanging on the grass. (TGHETIHAUAURHIU IM SO NORMAL IM SOOOO NORMAL)

at the end, as eternal is trying to get home, the spectre, their boss, tries to trick them. they have to go through the door they came in through to get home. they do so, but from the wrong side. the one who's been trying to get the idol appears in front of them and demands the idol, but they refuse. it's clearly not right, even in their exhaustion. he lunges, eternal teleports. he shoves the idol from their hands before they can. they have one last scramble for the idol, and then they get through the door, back to whence they came.

oooo and then a good old classic whump right at the very end of the mission: they were exhausted, so much so that they were flip-flopping between their first and second language. they were talking to their boss.. quite unwisely (they called him/his past self an asshole), but thankfully he was just amused. then, they sway and do their best to stay awake, to no avail, and as they pass out, their boss, the spectre, walks up and simply takes the objective from their hands, despite their final weak struggle to keep it close to their chest. because they just lost the idol to the one they've been trying to keep it from for the last several hours (which felt like days, weeks)

they're so tired and so afraid and so upset, and they're going to appear back at home and fall on the couch and wake up and be so panicked because they won't know what's going on, but they'll know that they don't have the idol and that something just hit them. then they'll realize they're home. their family is there.

also also they're going to stop sleeping for a while because they're so upset by this mission

aaaugHGeugjgharshgHUGRDFGHGHEGUHDSUKJ it makes me ill it makes me so ill im going to eat bricks /vvvvvpos i LOVE putting them through the horrors they make me SICK they make me ILL they make me writhe on the floor like a dying cockroach and claw at the walls

Have been obsessed with a new OC since my surgery…I want to draw and write so much

[pikayeollie]

CASE 94  ||  S E H Ů N

[rzyraffek]

This is my first time requesting from literally anyone so please excuse the fact I have no clue if there's like, ???a specific??? format??? I should use??? Feel free to ignore this if I'm not doing something right I completely understand 💀

how about some Billy Lenz angst? 👀

Uwaahh😭😭My dear friend I litteraly write anything but angst😭😭BUT since thats ur first time, I guess why not try writting it💖💖 (but next time check my pinned request list)☀️NEVER WROTE ANGST BEFORE

please read notes at the end of this monstosity, didnt want to waste more space here

(Tw: angst, near s/o death, regrets, Billy is his own trigger warining, happy endinig)🤨😈 (they/them pronouns) Request Open

Billy Lenz angst🤯

He didnt mean it, he really didnt mean it to happen, he was full of anger and he really didnt want to push them. S/o told him that they have to go for a while, some sort of family meeting? Far away from home, and Billy didnt want to go there nor let them leave him for those few days. He didnt want to be alone again

Now s/o was laying on ground, not responding to his calls, he froze, pure panic was inside his mind. After few seconds of staring at them he checked if they still are alive. Lucky for him and them, s/o was still breathing, Billy figured that they Just passed out due to hard meeting with the floor. He tried his best to pick them up and carry to nearest bed/couch ('pick them up' is a big word he is shmol he cant really carry people, more like slide them carefully on floor)

He has 0 clue how to act when somone passes out, well he never had to know, he is a serial killer god damn why would he need that knowlage for?

If s/o doesnt wake up in less than half hour he will start to panic again, yep their dead, yuup I killed only person i care for. He will cry and he hug them. IF they wake up, he will be sure that its some kind of miracle and tear up even more. He will promise to himself that he will never even try to argue with them, and if they have any kind of memory loss/brain problems after that, He will never forgive himself and be very very distant for a while( too spooked that he will hurt them again)

If they somehow forgive him, he will think that they are either saint or stoopid, how could s/o forgive him? He nearly killed them? But he wont complain, he is grateful. Also He will get super protective and worried, their head hurts? Oh lourd lay down queen/king i will bring you tea. Someone in work mean? Well not anymore😈! He will do litteraly do anything to pay back for what he did.

Oh also if there was any witness, their dead, no matter if that was some sort of close friend or family member, dead as hell im sorry he wont put up with somone knowing about what he did (even if s/o survives)

GUYS BEFORE YALL WILL UNFALLOW ME AND HAVE TRAUMA DUE STUFF U JUST READ, PLS UNDERSTAND I DIDNT EVEN READ ANGST😭 I JUST WANT TO TRY WRITTING NEW FORMAT😳 plz no bully in comments (also sorry for long waiting, i was really thinking if I even want to upload it)

[ghostie-my-beloved]

Yandere Wilbur headcanons? 👀 Don't feel forced to write this btw, I'm just curious on how Wilbur would be like as a yandere.

yandere wilbur headcanons

Synopsis: just some general yandere headcanons with our favorite TNT man :)

Pairing: yandere!Wilbur x gn!reader (they/them)

A/N: hoooo boy, first yandere Wilbur request. I gotta say, having a man like him chase after you is hella scary to think about, but it was very fun making these headcanons. Im sorry If they’re a tad bit short, but i hope you enjoy! (Art credits go to SAD-ist)

TW: THIS IS YANDERE CONTENT. It will include many dark themes such as g0re, stalking, kidnapping, murder, drugging, unhealthy obsessions and many more, please don’t read if you’re easily triggered by this stuff. Slight mentions of panic attacks and kn!ves

THIS IS PURELY FICTION AND I DO NOT CONDONE THESE TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS. IF YOU’RE IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP GET OUT OF IT IMMEDIATELY

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Wilbur is genuinely a very mysterious guy, you can never tell what he is thinking

But everyone in the server knows for sure, that he is not the kind of guy to take conflict lightly

No one wants to end up on Wilbur’s bad side, and for very good reason too. His entire dark aura just emits pure rage and hatred

You were one of the few people in the entire server that really could read what was on his mind, or just know what he’s feeling

Despite everything bad that he’s done in the past, how much he hurt others during the Doomsday events, you still could read into him so perfectly

He loves that you can still can read him like a book, and understand him

During Pogtopia arc, he never really had any yandere tendencies with you, however he was very, very possessive of you

The only people he’d trust around you were Tommy and Niki, everyone else he.. was weary of

Even Technoblade, his own brother

Tommy called him out on his behavior, but he couldn’t do much about it, since Wilbur was already stressed enough from exile, not to mention he wasn’t directly harming anyone

At least, not yet.

—

“Hey Wilbur— we need to talk about something, something… important.” The blonde haired teenager spoke up to his older brother, making the brunette hum in confusion, and gaze at Tommy with curious eyes. “Hmmm? What is it, Tommy? I am quite busy right now.”

“Listen man it’s- it’s you and Y/N. I can’t put my finger on it but- you’re acting strange around them, and I can’t quite decipher what it is. I just— needed to confirm it with you, I don’t want you or them getting hurt.” Tommy admitted in a stuttering tone, nervous about what Wilbur had to say to him.

There was a moment of silence, before Wilbur only chuckled a bit and patted his hand on Tommy’s shoulder, making the young boy look up at his brother with shocked and confused eyes. “Tommy, you know me, I would never try to hurt you or Y/N intentionally. Come on, why would you even think of me like that? It doesn’t make sense, and you know that, I only want the best for you two.” Wilbur spoke softly to Tommy, his tone deep and disturbingly calming.

A stinge of guilt twisted itself into the blonde haired boy’s heart. Wilbur was right, he’s only doing the best for them. Y/N was dragged into this mess because of them after all, he was probably just trying to look after them. Tommy sighed and looked up at Wilbur with a slight smile. “You’re right- I’m so sorry for thinking that, it’s not like you after all.”

“It’s not a big deal, at least you apologized. Now.. off you go, you’d best get some sleep for the festival.” Wilbur remarked, making Tommy nod and rush off to his makeshift bedroom. Once Tommy left the scene, the brunette could only clasp a hand around his face and sigh to himself, before laughing bitterly.

“Kids… so quick to learn, but so incredibly naive. Tommy doesn’t have to know about us… I know what I’m doing.”

—

You and Wilbur never really established a relationship due to all the wars and stuff happening, but many people outside of L’Manberg assumed you guys were dating

Even after his revival, a lot of people assumed you got together, which kinda ticked you off, but it pleased Wilbur

While you shrugged it off and corrected people, Wilbur would just kinda silently curse to himself about it

He wanted to let people know that you belonged to Wilbur; and him alone

Wilbur is a master manipulator, and he absolutely loves using that to his ability

Whether it’s manipulating his allies, his enemies.. or even you, he wants to make sure no one is getting in the way of your relationship

No one should taint a gentle soul like yours, he doesn’t want to risk that at all!

He strives off of threats, and he’s being dead serious about them

While he’s not a master combatant like Dream or Techno, he’s incredibly good at torture

Not physically, but mentally and emotionally, he can break someone so horribly it’s insane, and what he’s shown to others is not even the full extent of it

After his revival, the red-eyed man would notice that you were talking more with other people like Niki, Ranboo, Tubbo and Eret

More specifically, you were getting closer with Ranboo, some enderman prick he’s never even met before was getting your attention more easily than him

Him. Wilbur Soot. The man you’ve known longer than this kid, he wasn’t going to tolerate this so easily obviously

So, Wilbur made plans to meet up with Ranboo, and form that burger van with him. During that process, a lot happened however.

He would gain Ranboo’s trust, only to… well, you’ll see ;)

—

“Erm… Wilbur, are you sure this was a good idea? Quackity is still losing his mind over this burger van idea.” Ranboo nervously comments to Wilbur while collecting ingredients for the burger business.

“Of course it was, Ranboo. I mean- Quackity needs to learn how to control his government, so what better way to do that then to have some economic competition!” Wilbur remarked pridefully, making the enderman behind him sweat drop. “I don’t think economics and business works like that…”

“Eh— it’s whatever. Anyways, tell me more about yourself, Ranboo. You’re a rather interesting young lad, I’d like to hear more about you beyond stories from Tommy or Tubbo.” Wilbur asked to the hybrid, making him stutter over his words.

“R-Really? Well- well I guess I could spare a few seconds for chit-chat. Uhm… I uh- I basically got rich off of mining goods and selling them. I’m also married to Tubbo, who is a very lovely husband, we have an adoptive child named Michael. He’s very sweet— oh! And we also—“

“Any close friends you have?”

Ranboo panicked a bit at the sudden interruption, but he quickly smiled again and beamed onto the conversation, not aware of Wilbur’s menacing aura glaring holes into him, nor was he aware of Wilbur’s dark tone. Ranboo then continued to ramble aimlessly. “Oh oh! I have quite a few of those! Tommy, he’s really really nice— we didn’t get along well at first but, he’s really cool! And- and there’s also Techno! People say he’s super intimidating- but I think he’s very very cool. Oh yeah- then there was this person named Y/N— super interesting lemme tell ya. Man- I’m pretty sure there’s more but- my memory’s not doing go hot right now— heh.”

“Y/N huh? Sounds interesting… what are they like?” Wilbur asked, his tone noticeably dropping into a deeper and menacing level, concerning Ranboo quite a bit, but he just laughed nervously and spoke. “Well- Y/N is a super cool person. They helped me adjust to this place perfectly, and even officiated my wedding with Tubbo. I- don’t know what I’d do without them, they’ve helped me a lot, and- and I really owe it to them…” Ranboo spoke in a sentimental tone, his lips curling up into a smile a bit, really appreciating what his friend has done for him.

The moment was cut short when Ranboo heard the, strangely disturbing slow claps of a certain pyromaniac, making the enderman snap his head up to see Wilbur, just- standing there and clapping. The white and blacked haired man suddenly noticed the shift in environment and backed away from Wilbur a bit, but a low chuckle emitted from the man himself.

“W-Wilbur? What’s so funny? Are you alright?” “Ohhh it’s nothing, Ranboo. I just find it fun how you and Y/N got so damn close in such little time.”

Wilbur soon started to approach Ranboo, and stepped closer to him, the clicking sound of his boots breaking the dangerous silence. The enderman panicked, but he soon found himself backed onto the counter. He would teleport but, being too paralyzed by fear rendered his ability useless. “Hey- hey can you- stop that please? I- I don’t know what’s gotten into you but- you’re making me uncomfortable….” Ranboo silently uttered to Wilbur, hoping to god he got his message across. But to no avail, he didn’t listen.

“Ohhhh, it’s so funny now isn’t it? You know, I’ve known Y/N for WAY longer than you have, kid. And somehow, they just LOVE spending their time with you now huh? Some- enderman hybrid who I haven’t even known for that long? Oh golly gee, I wonder what Y/N sees in you that makes you such a good friend.” Wilbur rambled on with enthusiastic sarcasm, laughing to himself disturbingly at the end of his statement. Ranboo’s elf-like ears twitched in discomfort as he tried to make it out the door.

“I- I’m sorry I- I don’t know why they like to be around me but— I can’t control that. P-Please understand that—“

Ranboo’s sentence was cut off as he let out a glitch-like scream when he felt the whirring sound of a blade stab into the sleeve of his suit, green and red blood oozing out of his light cut. The enderman hyperventilated in panic, not knowing what to do, as his ruby and jade orbs desperately looked around to see what he could do. His thoughts were cut short when he feels Wilbur’s scarred hand grab his horn and yank him down to his height, making Ranboo squeak in pain and look up fearfully at Wilbur.

“Now listen to me, Ranboo. If you try to even spend as much of a second with Y/N, don’t think I’ll be so lenient with you like right now. I don’t want them being around the likes of you, a people pleaser. So, take your sorry little ass out of here, and stay away from them. Also, don’t even think about telling your little friends about this, because I have ways of making people listen to me and doing exactly. What. I. Want.”

Ranboo nodded vigorously in panic and pure fear, absolutely terrified to even think of a solution. Little enderman whimpers escaped his mouth as he felt Wilbur let go of his horn. He then scrambled to get up and take the knife out of his sleeve before dashing out of the van.

Wilbur looked at the exit of the van, and chuckled to himself, amused with how Ranboo reacted. The demon put a hand against his head before letting his chuckling build up into more creepy and insane laughter.

“Ohhh you can run, Ender boy. Just know that you still won’t exactly be safe….

… after all, I’m doing this all for my beloved darling.”

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[allergic-to-four-leaf-clovers]

YES OKAY THANK YOU SO MUCH IM FERAL ♥️♥️♥️♥️

okay so the basic gist of htkai in general is like. foster Does Not Like Immortals™ or anything nonhuman or anything they can't exactly comprehend lives in this world with them. they have some sort of irrational fear of the fact that they don't know how far an Immortal's, well, immortality, stretches to. once they realize that rayan would be a perfect target, as well as his sister madison who has imperfect immortality* but like. she would crush them if she wanted to, they kinda decided to test out how much an Immortal's body can withstand themselves. cue the potentially triggering things, I'll put general warnings by them don't worry <3

*imperfect immortality is a lil (potentially??? I don't know) thing I made up for the sillies. compared to those with perfect immortality that are just much more weakened when under so much pain that their body stops functioning but they don't die, those with imperfect immortality have had few and far between cases of dying. but, this comes with enhanced healing processes, so if madison were to get a paper cut it'd heal much quicker than the average human's would :D

so rayan spends like. two years in foster's basement, and over that time He Goes Through So Many Horrors™. living in a dark room with no clock or window to tell what time it is and also being covered in a bit of blood isn't exactly the way rayan wants to spend his 31st birthday, let alone the rest of his immortal life. uhh BUT foster gets some friends along the way!!

uhh okay so there used to be Vanté (a demon ALSO EROS' OC @4sh-th3-f4e GET MENTIONED GRR GRR) in the group which foster tolerated but he ditched them after a while and then there's uhh. there esrana and zayn flynn, both russian, madir ahearn, who's BABYGIRL and german, and then ezra who is from the wonderful state of texas. they all agreed to help foster sorta torment this normal guy for shits and giggles, but zayn doesn't cuz he's an actual fucking good person! he's only in the group because they needed someone to make sure rayan's wounds didn't get infected and that he was at least somewhat fed because at the time foster didn't know shit about how to tend to a wound.

Tw brief mention of amputation

uh. now ya see. rayan lost his right leg during his captivity. I won't go too gorey I'll keep it vague but madir's to blame for that but hey! it's fine they're both just a bit silly they're the prosthetic duo.

end of tw

ALSO this is gonna be an actual thing in a later chapter (chapter 14 Midnight Siren Songs) where ANOTHER one of eros' ocs, Amaryllis, is a sorta siren girlboss and she lures rayan back into captivity after a rather successful escape attempt. she's so cool I adore her so much

anyhow after that rayan gets send to The Naughty Corner (madir's house. uh oh!!!!!) and that's sorta where the story takes a little twist! this is gonna get deep so I'll just sortaaa

tw mention of character death, viewing one's own body, sort of out of body experience when you squint though not really, sort of psychological shit

so. rayan isn't doing well at this point. he escapes madir's little cabin but something's drawing him back to it. he goes and lo and behold he sees himself but. yk. yeah. uh

rayan enters this sorta distraught episode and he just wanders around the forest surrounding madir's cabin until he gets lost entirely. did he even have perfect immortality in the first place? if he was dead, why hadn't his soul crossed? was it just a hallucination? he doesn't know.

end of tw! I'm so sorry if this is too much for you /gen 😭

and that is sort of where the story ends. rayan just wanders, and nobody knows what happens next. maybe he gets found and taken back home, to his friends and family and he finally lives that life he deserves. or maybe he continues wandering, forever unsure of whether that memory in the attic was real or not :3

it's all gonna be posted onto my whump blog since it does contain a lot of whump, but hey! if you're comfortable with it (I'm so sorry if I keep asking you if you're uncomfortable with this or not-) then I don't mind sendin you some more snippets ♥️

JUMPSCARE!!!

GAH--

..is this payback after yesterday? /silly

[gomgeomeogmeogmy]

Hi :) my friend recommended me your Tumblr and I've asked stuff before so I thought maybe I should do it again

I really like the theme of this fic https://archiveofourown.org/works/33668362/chapters/83671462 and it hasnt been updated

TW: s3lfh@rm

I'd like to ask for headcanons about Todd dealing with depression and self harm (with Neil helping him cuz i luv anderperry)

I'm sorry if this triggers you, i wanted to see my favourite character dealing with similar struggles as me

Tysm anyways

Okay!! So, before I get into this, I do want to put a HUGE TW on this post, this post WILL mention self-harm and struggles with depression and anxiety.

I want to make it clear: I am by no means attempting to romanticize this topic, as someone who struggles with SH, that is the last thing I ever want to do. If I write something that seems like that, please do not hesitate to call me out.

Here we go! Last TW

Todd dealing with SH and depression/anxiety

Switching to Welton was extremely difficult for Todd, we know this

He felt the pressure of living up to his brothers standards, pleasing his parents, his teachers, and worrying about not fitting in

He always struggled with SH, since he was in grade school, so it was nothing new, but it definitely got a lot worse once he started at Welton

Meeting Neil, Charlie and all the others helped him feel more comfortable, but at the same point it kind of made it harder for him

He couldn’t help but feel like he was intruding in their dynamic, all of them having been friends for their previous years at Welton, a few even before that, and here he was trying to shove his way in

One night, Neil was out late at a play rehearsal and Todd had one of the worst anxiety attacks of his teen years

He wanted so desperately to go get Charlie or Knox, maybe even Meeks, but he couldn’t get himself to, he was so scared of what they would think about him, so he resorted to his usual coping mechanism, self harm

He didn’t want to, but it didn’t feel like he was in control, he didn’t feel like he had a choice

The next few days after that, he was really off, everyone noticed

He was talking even less than usual, walking behind the group instead of with them, wearing extra layers, always seemed to be making himself as small as he possibly could

What really worried them was the way he winced Every time someone touched his leg

Neil and Charlie were the first two who saw it

Charlie had gone to pat Todd’s leg after making a joke, but he quickly pulled his hand away when he saw the pained wince

He and Neil shared a quick, knowing look. Something was seriously wrong

Neil was cautious with Todd the rest of the day, keeping a close eye on him to notice every change in his behavior to see if he could figure out what was wrong

That night, when Todd got up to go to the restroom, Neil got a gut feeling that he needed to look through the trash

He felt weird about it, but he did it, and his heart suck to his feet when he saw the bloodied tissues. Him and charlie were right

Todd walked in right as Neil found them, both of them stopped and stared at each other

“Todd…?”

Todd broke down again, instantly hyperventilating and sobbing and apologizing profusely

Neil panicked, no doubt crying himself as he attempted to comfort his friend

He quickly pulled todd into a tight hug, carefully sitting both of them down on Neil’s bed as he shushed and comforted Todd

After about a half an hour, todd stopped crying, but he was still shaking and refusing to meet Neil’s eyes

(The rest of this will be in writing/story form)

“Todd, you know I’m not angry, right?”

Todd stayed silent, keeping his head down.

“I’m really not mad. I’m just- worried about you… we all are.”

Todd’s head snapped up, his eyes wide and afraid.

“The others know too?!”

“No no no! And-and they won’t know if you don’t want me to tell them, I promise, but you’ve been off for the last few days, we’ve all been worried sick about you, Todd.”

“I’m…im sorry, I don’t want to worry you guys-“

“Well, that’s part of what being a friend is. We love you Todd, I love you, we all just want you to be okay. Can… can I ask why?”

Todd went quiet again, the tension so thick you could slice it with a knife.

“I didn’t want to… I was just-I had an anxiety attack, and I didn’t want to annoy Charlie or Knox or any of the guys, I tried to stop myself but it didn’t feel like I was in control, I’m sor-“

“Todd, you don’t need to apologize. Look, I’ve been there before, okay? I’ve done the same thing, I know exactly what it feels like. I also know that Charlie, Knox and any of the others would never be annoyed if you came to them for help, shit, I think most of them would be flattered that you trusted them enough.”

Todd looked away again, obviously not believing a word Neil said. Neil sighed and grabbed Todd’s hands, giving them a reassuring squeeze.

“I know it’s hard, I know that better than anyone, but we love you, so much todd, all of us do, and we want you to be okay. You don’t have to ever tell us anything you don’t want to, but please, if you ever get the urge again can you just…come to one of us? Any of us, really. You don’t need to give details just-just talk to us, be with us, we care, and we’ll all help as much as we possibly can.”

Todd met Neil’s eyes, and Neil gave him a soft smile. Todd’s eyes grew glossy, a single tear slipping down his cheek.

“Yeah. Yeah I’ll try…”

Neil’s smile grew. He pulled Todd into a tight hug, and Todd couldn’t help but melt into the comforting touch.

“You’re so important to us Todd. Don’t ever think for a second that we don’t want you around, or that you’re annoying us. We love you so so so much. I love you, so much more than you know. Everyone here just wants you to be okay.”

“I…thank you, Neil.”

Back to HC style

The next day, Todd was already seeming a little better

Neil made sure to keep a close eye on him, but he acted like everything was normal, he knew it sucked to have the attention drawn to you when you weren’t feeling good, so he tried to avoid making that happen

The group was obviously thrilled that they had their Todd back, all of them talking to him and joking with him like they hadn’t seen him in days

Neil and Charlie looked at each other again, charlie giving him an “is everything okay?” Look, to which Neil simply nodded and grinned

Todd might not have been fantastic right now, but he was better than yesterday, and that’s all that really mattered

Please, if you ever have the urge to hurt yourself, reach out to someone you trust or find a way to distract yourself. I know what the feeling is like, I know it all too well, but I can also promise you that it is not worth it.

You are so important, and you do not deserve to be hurt.

If you need alternatives to self harming, please look at this list. It gives lots of good alternatives that are far better than harming yourself in anyway

You are loved, you are important, and you matter. <3

[agirldying]

*Possible Tw for mentions of abuse and Sa, adding a warning just in case*

Hey Bun,

I wanted to talk to you or I guess maybe ask for your opinion on this. Do you think it's possible I'm actually going backwards in my healing?

It's a weird question but I will give you some background. I know you're probably familiar with my situation and a few weeks ago we had like a big response as to what my abuse actually was. After that I felt like I could really start accepting it because you gave me a name for it and that helped honestly to realize how serious what happened to me was.

For a few weeks I felt like I was dealing with the grief well and like actually addressing my feelings about it. I really felt like I was healing like a little bit. But now over the last two weeks I've been starting to like avoid it if that makes any sense.

Like I recently got a new job and im moving this week into a new apartment and I've just been like ignoring any thoughts I have about it. It's almost like I'm pretending it didn't happen. Like I don't want to call myself a survivor now. I don't want to admit I was abused. I don't want to think about getting hit. I don't want to call it trafficking. I don't want to think about what happened.

It's almost like when Ive been having flashbacks since I started working two weeks ago I see them and my brain is like "that's not me" like they aren't my memories and it didn't happen to me. It's like I'm trying to tell myself that it happened to someone else and that's not me. What is this?

I guess I'm just asking like is this regression in my healing? Is my personality splitting? Could I be dissociating from it because it's just too much for me to function normally? Honestly and truly I'm not sure what is happening.

It's just so strange because sometimes I will feel the anger or the pain or feel upset when I have the flashbacks and it's like I acknowledge the feeling and my brain just turns it off immediately, then I have those " it's not me" thoughts.

Sorry if this is a lot or if it's very confusing but I feel like something strange is going on and I don't really understand it so I was just wondering what you think about it.

Thank you so much for reading and as always I appreciate you so much Bun.

- DW 🍂

Hi DW 🍂,

Healing isn't linear, so it's expected to have some backwards steps.

It makes sense why you may be avoiding confronting your trauma and current situation because they're quite daunting and come with a lot of emotional... I don't want to use the word baggage but maybe weight? They're hard things to come to terms with so it's understandable why it can be hard to constantly accept.

It sounds like there are various changes in your life that perhaps make it easier to feel like you can put your experiences in the past and store it away like it didn't happen, even though it hasn't been completely processed.

Personally I feel this connecting with the year after I'd gotten out of my abusive situation - I went from long hair to short (cut off 10 inches of hair or so) and donated it. I remember the new look being this sort of pathway to feeling like I could pretend to be an entirely new person, free of trauma, unburdened (that being said I also remember having like 10 anxiety attacks in that month alone).

I also need to just say that I completely relate to almost othering yourself and being like "the person who endured that is not me". Personally I recognize that to be a dissociative symptom as I actively believe that I am a completely separate person from the girl who once inhabited this body (see my username). I have actually changed my name irl to reflect the fact that I am someone else now, and my deadname is triggering knowing what happened to her. Basically I'm saying all of this to kind of just show that this is just another way that dissociation can present, and this is one of the many elements of dissociative identity. Like, I will use first person when talking about the trauma, but that's more for convenience than actually identifying with those memories.

So yeah ultimately this sounds like some dissociation is coming up for you surrounding your sense of self and identity as you're navigating recovery.

I hope I could help and provide some insight. As you know, please feel free to send more asks my way if you need to chat or if you want to add onto this.

[adam-brooks]

*TW, this has dipictions of self harm. It was written when I was 18. I'm no longer suicidal or self harming. Take care of yourself first and dont read if this will trigger you.

There is a hallway that is the visual depiction of my brain. This hallway is lit by a single hanging lightbulb and the shadows stretch and twist and seem to reach as I walk down it. On each side of the hallway is a row of doors. Blue metal doors, for some reason. they are rusty and the blue mingles with the browns and reds. It reminds me of Silent Hill and of course it does. Behind each door is a version of me. Angry Adam, Depressed Adam, Anxious Adam, Kid Adam, and on and on it goes. And one room...one room at the very end of the hall, shut tight with a series of locks and bolts, that room holds my inner things. The things I cant share. Some of those things are, naturally, awful. Traumas and pain. Some things are good. Excitement and joy. But they are locked in there because I was taught not to express those things. Those things made me loud and hyper and those things were bad. But to me they were good and I hate having my good parts trapped in a room with my bad parts. 

I walk down the damp hall slowly, brushing my fingertips over the doors and the walls as I walk. My hands collecting a dripping moisture as I go. 

I reach a door on the left and I stop because its ajar. I'm sure I closed it behind me last time I was here...I push on it gently and it squeaks open. 

Fuck... Its depression.

Hes sitting cross legged in the middle of the floor surrounded by pages and pages of my writings and drawings, spread into a wide circle around him, this blaze of white paper against the dark brown of the ruined wooden floor. He has a knife in his right hand and his left arm is covered in cuts. Blood dripping onto the paper on the floor, making a twisted watercolor effect on all of it.

"Hey....buddy..." I start hesitantly. "Whatcha doin there?"

His head turns toward me slightly. "Just trying to feel something..."

I nod and step cautiously over to him, finding my footing between the pages, and kneel down in front of him, looking him over. He is crying. As always. Dark circles around his eyes. As always. His arms hung over his legs, the knife hanging loosely from his fingers. Blood steadily dripping from the other. 

"You know you cant leave your door open. We have to make sure everyone stays where they are supposed to." I say.

He shakes his head and lets out a sob. "Why dont you just let me end it? Please! I cant stand this anymore.."

"Because I'm not ready...I still have things I have to do first." I start moving the papers away from him and putting them in a pile.

His grip tightens on the knife. 

"This is so fucked up. What are you waiting for? Nothing will get better. Its getting worse! It always gets worse.." He sniffed and wiped his nose with his wrist. 

I nod and absently stare at a page I havent seen in a long time. Her. With three splashes of blood across her face from Depressions morbid project. 

"I know." Its all I can say because I know he is right.

"What are you waiting for? Love? School? A family?? Those things wont happen for us. We are too far gone. I heard you talking about art classes? So that makes you an artist now?" He lets out a pained noise and slices his arm again.

This is pretty bad. Writing in a journal, giving my emotions personalities to justify the shit in my head. Slicing myself open to stop the thoughts. My dad refusing to trust anything I say or do anymore and I am right back to not being good enough for him. Its highschool all over again and I know why I always got high. So I wouldnt go crazy and kill myself. But what now? Now that im sober and I have to stay sober and nothing and no one is helping me? I feel my reality slipping through my fingers and I cant grab a hold of it some days. My mind is unraveling and my emotions are spiralling and I dont know whether to laugh or slit my wrists. I imagine ill be doing both. When the time comes. I'm more and more lost as the days go by.

Get. A. Fucking. Grip! Either fucking get it done or stop being a fucking pathetic loser!

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw for mentions of abandonment, trauma

hi friends, kinda just looking for some reassurance/advice if thats ok!

ive been in a relapsed state for a while now and yesterday i hit my lowest point because of how little support ive had since it started (this is no one's fault but my own and i accept this, i should add). i snapped at some friends of mine who were just trying to be nice and said what i really feel which probably isnt even true to reality anyway. im in the process of sending apologies to everyone that got caught up in it but i cant help but feel ive just sealed the deal and everyone i know just hates me and doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.

i totally understand people arent obligated to put up with me when im acting out but the only reason im doing this is just... because as much as i want friends of mine to care about me, the mortifying ordeal of being known is a thing and i have really bad trauma surrounding abandonment from an ex who told me to my face that she didnt want to deal with me when i was sad then proceeded to get mad at me for trying to hide my depression to make her feel better, so i kind of just feel bad about talking to people and asking for help nowadays. i really want people to help me, but i refuse to let myself ask for help out of fear that i'm going to have to deal with that again. plus im also concerned about piling my issues onto others when its a bad time for them as well even when they say its ok because i did that when an ex-friend of mine was insisting everything was okay there too...

~ peachy

Hey there peachy!

That sounds like a difficult situation. I'm sorry you're going through so much right now. You deserve more support than you're getting.

Good for you for apologizing and acknowledging that you reacted poorly. That's really admirable. I hope you're giving yourself credit for that.

You won't know how they feel unless you ask them. Give them time to process your apology and make sure you're putting in effort to prevent that from happening again. If you think it will happen again, let them know what triggered it, remind them that you're sorry and that you take full responsibility for it, and try to work out how this could be prevented in the future. Communication is important when you let people in and allow them to see you when you're struggling. But it brings people closer together, builds intimacy.

You have a lot of self-awareness about your actions. It makes sense that you're not comfortable asking for help due to those pleas for help being thrown back in your face in the past. Our brains remember these things and try to protect us in the future. But we can also rewrite this idea our brains have. Every time you reach out and it is successful, your brain will learn that you're able to ask for help and that it won't cause you harm.

At the end of the day, people are responsible for what they do and communicate. If you tell your friends you need to talk for advice or venting, and if your friends aren't able to talk about a particular issue on a particular day, they need to communicate that to you. If they say they are up for talking, you can remind them that they can stop you anytime if they need to, but let yourself talk to them if they are up for it. It's really difficult, I know, but remember that you deserve support and that friends are people who care about you, want what is best for you, and are there for you. It's okay to ask for help. You are worthy of help. Anyone who has made you feel otherwise was wrong.

You deserve attention and care and support. I hope you're able to surround yourself with relationships that are good for you and your self growth.

Take care.

- Mod Misa

[batsforbadones]

hi !! this is my first time requesting from someone, not sure if im too vague 🥺 but could u write some billy lenz noncon or dubcon?? fem reader preferably. i dont think ive read someone write him as good as u do ♥️♥️ much love!!

This is such a big compliment omg :’D i’m so so so glad you all like Billy. I try my best to write him well.

TW / SA - PLEASE do NOT read this if you know it’s going to be triggering for you.

Billy Lenz had never been good at reading a room. He often referred to his birthday as Christmas, though the true one rested in May, and he found himself uncapable of making people happy. There were a lot of things Billy Lenz couldn't read about Billy Lenz - And that made it very hard for other people to read, and therefore understand, Billy Lenz. Despite spending the last 5 years of your life studying abnormal psychology, you still found yourself being one of these ' other people '.

Sweat poured down your spine, seeping into the thick, blood stained fabric of your sweater. What was once a pretty Christmas green had turned a deep, messy brown the more and more you fell and fell. Harder and harder, you collided. You couldn't be sure what he had chosen to finally splay you on. In between flashes of black you'd seen the arm of a chair, the kitchen doorframe, the sink- But you believed your finally resting place was on the bannister of the stairs, dangling limply above the dazzling Christmas tree. All the blood that had gathered in your broken little nose was spilling atop the highest point of the star like a kettle would.

The man, the monster, the killer above you, that of which you'd come to know as Billy, took pleasure in noticing this, and singing the Little Tea Pot nursery rhyme as he tipped you back and fourth.

" Can you hear me? " He asked in a cold, rotten voice. His shaking hand came up to wave in front of your face. The harder he waved, the more and more your body fought to flinch, to do anything- But it couldn't bring itself to perform any reaction beyond a simple blink. You couldn't fight any more. You had long since run out of adrenaline, and every moment spent since was agonizing and, in retrospect, worthless. You were giving up. Your body had already done so. There was no point in fighting the inevitable. Be that murder, or, by the clack of his belt, something much more torturous, you were giving up. " You want my dick, right? " A violent spasm on his part and your body was tipping over the bannister. His hand snatched your collar, yanking you back to him. " Put that miserable prick away, Lenz. Nobody wants to see that tiny shit." Slurred the man. " It's just cold! It's cold! " He squeaked in reply, grip on your sweater growing tighter and tighter. " I'm a grower! " He snapped. Maybe if you weren't so frightened, and - No. You couldn't even begin to rationalize this. To attempt to read the man, the boy, the human, once more. There was no world, no dimension, no alternate time line or place where this would've been okay. Where the man, who seemed so bad by breed, would've been okay. You couldn't manage a smidgen of sympathy for him, not while your eyes rolled back to meet the many bodies of your sisters, rotting below you, beside the dazzling tree. " Come here, pretty pretty. " He clicked his tongue, bringing you closer to him. A gentle tug left you steady in his arm, sitting up to face him. You kept leaning and swaying, but he kept you upright, kept your attention on him. His right hand, with finger nails like claws, grazed your face, cupping your cheek. He starred into your eyes. Really, really starred into them, and with a gleeful smile, filled only with mal intent- He laughed. Laughed as if he were watching someone receive a gag gift at a Christmas party. Laughed as if he was watching a child open a present they had begged for- Laughed as if he didn't hold your life in his hands. " You look a lot like a piggy I killed last week, can you say oink? " You couldn't say oink. You couldn't say anything, in fact. " If you say oink, I won't rape you, you know? " He brought a hand up to your chest, just to cross it, as if that gave his word more ground to stand upon. You couldn't manage and oink, and so he sank in dry, something guttural being ripped from his throat, and then from yours. In between shots of black and violent greens and reds. With each thrust, you found yourself tipping further and further over the bannister. You found it within you, the tiniest will, and as he managed one final sharp thrust, his seed spilling inside of you, a howl losing from his throat, you tipped back entirely. In vertical, your skull hit the star, and the star hit the ground, and then your head hit the ground, pierced by the star. The room was silent, said for the moans and groans and whines of the afterglow of the boy named Billy Lenz. The man shook violently, held up only by the stairs. Billy wondered for a moment, as he continued to come onto the rail of the bannister, if he too would tip over, meeting such a violent fate. Following such a pleasant delight, he figured it'd be poetically mandatory. You had a fondness for things like that- Books. But Billy couldn't read too well.