#im not sure what to call it but its a feeling which i dont consciously feel but its there

[ganondoodle]

sometimes i wish i was one of those artist that make people go "this is a PAINTING???" or "with WHAT programm/medium???" but its just not what i can do or find fun :/

[satoriberry]

tha terf paradox of promoting acceptance of oneself's biological nature and not changing it for societal ideologies but then turning around and criticizing any person that has a different perception of their biological nature that doesn't immediately enter the "male or female" binary hmmm,,,,

[altmoon]

mehram // exile

[stuniolvs]

IM LITERALLY BEGGING ON MY KNEES RN DO AN ENEMIES TO LOVERS W MATT PLEASEE 🥺🥺🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

sweetheart m.s.

another sickfic im sorry! please leave requests!

not proofread.

you’re currently getting ready to go to a party with the triplets you put on a simple dress, converse, and curl your hair. 8:54, the clock reads, nick said that he’d be here around 9.

you’ve known the triplets since freshman year but every time you see matt he’s rude to you.

its always some snarky comment about your looks or how you’re ’so annoying'

on cue, you hear matt honk outside and you hop in the car next to nick. you are about to thank matt for picking you up before he says.

“dont you think your hair is a bit much?” he mumbles, although you can hear it very clearly.

you look down at your lap and fiddle with your fingers, you then start trying to fix your hair, flattening it.

“y/n, your hair looks pretty” nick says smiling at you.

“thank you” i smile but still feeling hurt by matts comment. ive always felt just a little bit different about matt.

i used to talk to him all the time, we were best friends and then at the start of sophomore year he just ghosted me.

‘sweetheart’ he used to call me.

you exit the car arms linked with nick. “i like your shirt chris!” you compliment looking down at his camo shirt.

“thank you, y/n/n. i love your dress.” he says. you nod at him, smiling entering the house.

matt clenches his jaw hearing chris compliment you. he quickly relaxes when he sees you biting your lip. he immediately remembers how one of the first things you bonded over was your anxiety and you told him that you always bite your lip when you're nervous.

he walks behind you just to make sure no one gets too close to you.

as you guys go and get water you feel a small pain in your stomach. you can’t tell if its from anxiety, sickness, or both.

after about 45 minutes of wandering around, talking to a couple people before settling on a couch.

your next to matt with nick on the other side.

“no, yeah” you hear the random guy say, ryan, you think his name was. “hold on, im gonna go re-fill my drink” chris says. “me too.” nick and ryan say at the same time as they all leave.

you and matt sit on the couch as there’s like a hundred people surrounding you slowly getting more, and more stuffy.

you start to feel really nervous, your stomach hurts and you have anxiety with means you also have anxiety about your stomach hurting which makes it hurt more.

“matt?” you whisper. “what?” he snaps. his eyes softening when he sees your nervous state. you pull your feet up to your chest, pulling down your dress.

“what’s wrong sweetheart?” you hear him whisper. he places his hand on your back rubbing his thumb softly over the fabric of your dress.

your heart start beating rapidly. “i dont feel good matt, my stomach hurts and my anxiety is bad which is making my stomach hurt"

“im sorry,” he pulls you to his side wrapping his arm around you. “im so sorry about everything y/n. i dont know what i was thinking. over freshman year i started to like ou and then i got scared to i started being rude. im so stupid and i should’ve never done tha-“ he’s cut off by you hugging him landing on his lap. “im in love with you sweetheart” he confesses.

your heart pounds “im in love with you matt.” you speak, he blushes, tucking his head into your neck.

“does this mean im your boyfriend?” he asks “ do you want to be my boyfriend?” “of course” he flushes. “then yes.” you kiss him on the forehead “i wanna kiss you really bad but im 100% sick, my head is pounding.” you admit.

he kisses your temple and pulls back to kiss your stomach. he places a soft hand on the back of your head pushing you into his chest. “rest for a second sweetheart. im gonna text chris and nick.” he says, you nod.

after a couple minutes he lifts you from your thighs caring you to the car while you slightly regain consciousness. “mm-baby, where?” you ask, he blushes at the nickname.

���chris and nick are gonna get an uber, lets get you home so i can take care of you.” he states, setting you in the passenger seat.

once you get back to the house he sets you in his bed. he then grabs sweatpants and a t-shirt of his to change into.

“one sec, im gonna go get some stuff.” he says through the bathroom door.

he comes back with medicine, water, and your favorite blanket you always use when you come over. your just standing there unsure wha to do.

he sets the stuff down and picks you up laying on the oppsite side of the bed that he lays on.

you take the medicine then he tucks the blanket around you then he puts his duvet over you.

“will you lay with me?” you ask “of course, if you want.” “please do,” you say.

he changes into sweatpants and a hoodie, in front of you. you blush. he climbs into bed pulling you to his chest.

he pulls you in, cupping you cheeks. as your lips meet the kiss is soft and passionate expression so many emotions. after a couple of minutes he pulls back “why the fuck did you just kiss me? im sick.” you respond. “im sleeping in the same bed as you, its inevitable.” he states, smiling.

“i love you sweetheart"

[youremyheaven]

I need some advice. I feel like I'm dying. Going through the worst period cramps ever (never had this in the past 11 years), it literally feels like someone is stabbing my cervix, uterine walls and the pathway walls (I feel a bit shy calling it what it is...like a normal woman). Its so bad, I've never had it like this before. Has to do with the fact I was having isues, doc put me on meds, as soon as the dosage was done: red sea spilleth over.

Know any home remedies to help? Or just any other advice to deal with this? Can't go to the doc rn, she'll suggest to hold off pain meds, I am taking over the counter anti-inflammatory stuff..yk the one for fevers and other pains. Its not working. Its been so debilitating...I can't sleep, sit, breathe, do anything...yk the type of pain that makes you bend and make your mouth water...idk if that happens to anyone else but yeah....

OMGGG 😩😨😨😓that sounds soooo rough, I hope you're feeling better now???

I have taken meftal spas for cramps since I was maybe 16-17 years old. Idk if that's available in other parts of the world??? but its widely available in India and its specifically for period cramp induced pain<333 I'm not a doctor so pls don't take any medication without exercising caution first!!! you may not react well to it or it may have adverse effects bc of the medication you're already taking ://// 😩😩

on that note, practicing yin yoga (which focuses on releasing stress from the hip area/psoas muscles) has greatly changed my reproductive system as a whole tbh, my sex drive changed, my relationship with my body changed (like even the way i walk changed bc my hips loosened up, which meant i walked more "freely" dont tell me its woowoo,, yk can just tell when someone's body is very "frozen" or "stiff" looking) and yesss my menstrual cycle was immensely affected by it.

i used to have HORRIBLE cramps, irregular cycles, HEAVY bleeding etc in my mid-late teens (this was because of trauma + eating disorder, in case u wanted to know) and now? my period is 3 days long, light bleeding, little to no pain and i attribute alllll of that to yoga<3

now i specifically like to do certain mudras and asanas (poses) which are supposed to help the female body specifically

and while this can help u when u are on your period, i suggest making it part of your lifestyle and living according to your monthly cycle's phases so that you can experience smoother periods. i dont think its realistic to do them if you're experiencing immense pain 😭

Legs-Up-The-Wall Pose (Viparita Karani)

This pose is known for increasing blood flow to the pelvic region which helps enhance the health of your reproductive organs.

2. Baddha konasana aka butterfly pose

helps the uterus<333

3. balasana or child's pose

tbh this might actually help even if ur ON your period, lying down like this is soooo soothing and comforting. ppl overcomplicate yoga, when the reality is that holding your body in certain poses can emotionally feel very comforting/freeing/nourishing etc but then again im only familiar with yin yoga/restorative yoga (there are manyyyy different types of yoga)

4. happy baby pose

as the name suggests this is how babies lay down and they seem happy for no reason,, i remember the first time i consciously did this pose and i was like???? this is yoga??? bc i would randomly do poses like these for no reason in bed (im sure we all do when we're bored) and if i intentionally do it?? its actually good for me??

again this pose helps with the hip muscles!!! the female body is always preparing for childbirth. regardless of whether or not you want to be a mom, taking care of your womb health and reproductive well being is CRUCIAL bc whether we like it or not we were designed this way and dont think of it as "preparing my body to bear children" just think of it as "preparing my body to be at its best" (the bearing kids is just a bonus) .. the state of your womb affects your whole being!!! its not a joke!!!

now here's some mudras:

yoni mudra

yoni means womb and as u can see, this pose imitates the 🫣🫣 its a highly beneficial mudra for women and helps with overall pelvic health. you can do it sitting cross legged. i like to chant mantras and do this pose,, it kicks in quicker or smthng idk 😳but it feels ✨

2. prana mudra

do this mudra on both hands btw!!

prana means life force

this mudra helps with overall immunity and pain management!!!

3. prithvi mudra

prithvi means earth and this mudra helps balance the earth element in your energetic system which means its gives you strength, resilience and physical energy (in case u feel tired, fatigued etc for no reason) as those are the qualities of the earth

now for some pranayamas

Bhramari/ honeybee buzzing

this is my fav bc its so simple and easy to do!! and who doesn't want to buzz like a bee??? 🥰😍

2. anulom vilom

this is also a very simple pranayam for beginners

the whole idea is to get your body into a state of relaxation so that you dont operate from a place of stress or anxiety. you can just feel peaceful all the time. imagine being that unbothered!!

sorry for going off on a tangent (me with every post lmao) these are some beginner friendly yoga asanas/mudras/pranayamas (all of which are diff components of yoga) that u can try when u feel comfortable!!

NOW about alleviating pain ASAP:

hot water bag

put that thing on ur stomach and lie down (after taking medicine) my mom used to do this all the time and it helped her a lot

2. roobois tea

i drink roobois tea almost everyday hehe but its said to help alleviate menstrual cramps 🤔and lower blood pressure,,

3. chamomile tea

is also said to help with period pain :o

4. look into your diet, sleep, overall lifestyle

you may not have had pain of this sort before but babe NOW UR A WOMAN ✨and u have to look at your lifestyle and ensure that its something that helps a woman's body feel rested and calm

being stressed all the time can take a physical toll on you and lead to all kinds of diseases later in life!! its in your best interest to RELAX

idk how much this helped 😭😭the most convenient thing to do would be to take medicine but u said u can't so :((( hot water bag + roobois tea???

ALSOOOO always wear socks during your period and keep your feet covered. i have sensitive feet so i wear socks at home often (this is uncommon in india, where we have a tropical climate lmao) BUT KEEP THOSE FEET COVERED,, there's some kind of science behind it but i dont remember it lmao,, all i know is that it makes me bleed less<333 and have more cozy periods and sleep better<33

ALSOOOO,, this could be an old wives tale but it worked for me (but im also delusional😍) eating dark chocolate and/or having a spoon of oil on day 1 of your period makes your period go smoothly?? 😭😭😭there's no harm in trying hehe

ALSOOO and ive never tried this but heating up like a tablespoon of oil and applying it to the bellybutton area 😳😳can help alleviate period pain 😳😳

lastly and most importantly, im just a girlblogger and NOT A MEDICAL EXPERT so pls dont put urself in an adverse position bc of something i said 😭😭😭

love always,

heaven ✨

[inconsideratekidney]

10/9/24

hey guys,

something's wrong with my computer. it can barely run all my chrome tabs anymore like it used to. it still functions i suppose, but its very slow and doesn't charge with this one charger i have--my backup charger. i bring this one around so i don't have to bring my big one. the big one that is like my only dependable charger apparently. this backup charger works on my phone and my tablet, but my laptop just won't accept it as a charger for whatever reason. it's super cool and lights up when it's plugged into a power source. it's got 3 different offshoots for usb-c, lightning cable, and something else idk what it's called but it's like an hdmi-shaped version of the lightning cable sized one. anyway, who cares about all that. my laptop has not turned on while the cable is plugged in and it pisses me off so much. i wish my laptop would finally explode like it wants to so i can get a new one.

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im not really sure what kind of audience is actually reading my blogs. i know most don't keep up, cuz its a blog and no one wants to read about someones personal life go on and on, but it is very therapeutic for me. i honestly dgaf who reads it or doesn't. just that i have a place to put my thoughts. i would love feedback or any kind of response literally, like idc what, i like to have conversations with ppl so if u want to go ahead. ill try to stop asking, but i feel like ppl don't feel right doing it or are straight up just not reading any of this. who knows. womp womp.

speaking of which, the things i write about are the kinds of topics i want to talk about with ppl, but are the ones that ppl dont stay on for too long. what i mean to say is that i can bring something up and not have the time to say it all, or the interest of the other person to listen; wait; then let me finish my thoughts, and then actually want a response from them. i often find myself wanting someone to just listen to me go on and on, and most ppl can't stand that or can't stay on the same topic i want to talk about. if i ever do find myself with someone who will let me talk, i'm so conditioned to change the subject for fear that i'm bothering them and sub-consciously/consciously change the subject so i don't lose ppl in conversation.

i had no idea how to recruit "fans" or whatever lol. i had no idea who really wanted to read these blogs. i just find them fun--i'd like to think i'm funny sometimes and that people enjoy what i have to say, so that they can read into what i'm thinking about on their own time. i don't have to bother people with my existence in a conversation back and forth if they don't want to. if you can't stand my writing u can just click away. it's not a big deal. my whole thing is that if you really did want to respond, i'd be down to have a chat with you. i feel satisfied after getting this all out that i can decide to respond or not once i'm done because i've already gotten my thoughts out without being interrupted. you don't watch me type or see my edits, you only see the final product and that puts me at ease a bit. when i speak out loud, i typically say everything i'm thinking or not enough. often i say the wrong thing and people are quick to jump in and ask for clarification or even correct me. i'm not finished. many ppl aren't patient anymore and it's frustrating when my brain doesn't function the way most peoples brains do.

i think of something, then i think "why the hell did that pop into my head? what on earth is this related to?" trick question--its never related to anything most times. my brain just picks up on slight things in my environment and misconstrues them as something relevant to some memory and brings one up, or comes up with something new. i'd assume most people think like that. i just don't know how to explain that to ppl in conversation when were talking about one thing, or we're not talking at all and i just bring something up. that's when it makes sense to me. typically i think of everything at once so it's all relevant to me.

i like this shark. going in circles endlessly in one small space. he knows he can't go anywhere, but maybe he likes it. it's safe, reliable, and cushiony. i put the shark here for our entertainment, but i wont release him (cuz i will forget) but he shall remain happy or maybe he's hitting his head against the walls, thinking "when will she stop yapping" idk.

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im sweating like a madwoman. make it stoppppp. i was trying to experiment by not wearing deodorant/antiperspirant to see if it was all in my head and it is not. it's quite real and i hate it. i hate sweating so much. i don't sweat in my hands or back. just my armpits and private bits (it's really just my thighs lol). i wanna lose weight tbh. i hate my thighs rubbing together, it hurts when i'm wearing shorts and they just slide up and chafe. ugh i get so uncomfortable thinking about it. also my body just gets hot. it's just so annoying. i feel like this hyperhydrosis condition really spiked when i entered college. that's when i really noticed it first a least. my mom has it and i've been trying all different deodorants and antiperspirants with her, but i still sweat regardless. i think she said some work for her for a bit, but then don't again. i think lumē worked for her but just smells weird. who knows. maybe i'll try mens deodorant or antiperspirant. i don't want to throw out my current one cuz yk, money, but it ain't working...

idkkkkk.

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in the time i've written this, the charger still isn't working and even when i hold down the power button there's no response from my conputer to even tell me it's dead. i'm concerned but still couldn't care less. its not fanning bc i let it stop before it turned off. i think it just died and this charger isn't working. i sure hope it works when i get home tho. fuck this shit.

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this body positivity movement related to hair on women is progressing more i think. i haven't researched it or anything, but i notice more ppl than i did before who seem female presenting or have feminine features to have body hair and i love to see it. it's still very scarce, but this is only one place in the world. ofc my hometown there's like no one and my mother makes fun of me all the damn time, so i never forget it. i just wish it didn't look so bad. like i don't care about it cosmetically in the sense that women shouldn't have it cuz it looks bad or cuz its not feminine, but i just don't think it ever matches my outfits. it pisses me off kinda. i don't feel like i give off hairy vibes. maybe i do. those aren't the vibes i wanna put out there. but see in that mindset, i'm stereotyping myself and still have the same schema. "what they're wearing is weird that doesn't match what i assume their style is!" type shit. i don't enjoy this mindset and it comes along with other stereotypical, generalizing mindsets i still have from growing up and am still trying to eradicate, but dang its hard.

i also study peoples behavior and people watch to learn and copy whats socially acceptable. so believe me when i say, it's fucking hard having hairy legs when it's still not common everywhere i go. it's kind of a fucking nightmare sometimes. and i know i sound like "oh, woe is me!" and sometimes i do feel like that, but its because i don't see enough representation--thats another reason why i do it. my real reason is that i don't care to keep up with shaving and i don't want to do it bc i feel like i have to. i don't feel like i want to, so i just don't. if one day i wake up and feel like shaving, then damnit i will. but i don't need anyone's approval or advice on it. i'm angry bc of what my mother says to me, so this is mainly directed towards the comments she's made, and my father, hell, both of em. i'm not taking this outta thin air. there are ppl attacking me, it's my family...

that's the funny thing. i haven't gotten any backlash from a single other person. funny... if they keep it to themselves, wonderful! i honestly don't care what they think, but do care that they are being considerate.

anyshways, thats why i don't love socks that pull on the hair and why i feel awkward in tank tops and short shirts cuz i still haven't gotten over the socially different part yet. this is revolutionizing for me even if it isn't for anyone else.

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if you actually read everything so far, you're cool, but if you're at the end and readin this, you're still cool but u just don't know what i said. i'll sum it up for you-

tdlr (i hate myself):

- computer bout to shit itself

- i have social anxiety and am a clinical yapper

- computer still boutta die

- ahh scary! hair on woman!!

youre here now.

yipee!!

i'll try to post Tuesdays through Thursdays i have decided. try to check then if u can....

love yall,

kD :p

[whovianshifts]

shifting experience in a lucid dream!

(or at least i think that's what happened)

last night, i had the most insane shifting experience. i genuinely have no idea what is was - a lucid dream, maybe - but all i know is that i felt like i was right on the verge of shifting.

last night, as usual, i put on my gateway tapes - still on Focus 3 - and it was alright. i didn't really feel deep in the void or anything, and my mind wandered at times (which i think came down to the fact that i was almost putting it off a little). i usually put an alarm around 2-3 hours before i usually wake up as well so that i can attempt to shift in the mornings - mainly so that i can still practice it everyday but also to make sure that when im doing the tapes, i can purely focus on them and not worry about shifting.

so yesterday, i did the gateway tapes meditation pretty late (2-3am ish) and then put an alarm for 7am. the entire night from here got so crazy that i couldnt tell you a timeline but i am *pretty* sure that my near shifting experience happened after the alarm and between the hours of 730-930.

now, i woke up at 7am, stayed awake for like 2 minutes just shuffling around my room but my whole issue with this technique at the moment is that im sleeping wayy too late, so my shifting alarm is usually around the same time as sunrise, which is SUPER distracting as it just naturally makes me feel 10x more awake.

so basically, i got back into bed, put on some generic theta waves on spotify, attempted to shift for half an hour by going through some techniques from the gateway tapes and then just counted to 100 and repeated affirmations.

whilst im trying not to get overwhelmed by tiktok this time round in my journey, i saw this person saying that "your subconscious has no eyes," - something that genuinely cured my contempt of 'I am' affirmations. its kinda simple, your subconscious creates what it is being told, so i found it easier to accept the logic behind affirmations and the fact that it didnt just feel like a groundless practice allowed me to feel good about them for the first time in like 4 years (no exaggeration). i ended up having my usual mild symptoms of just purple/blue colours, white light seeping etc and then fell asleep, with the intention of shifting in my sleep repeating as i fell asleep.

as i mentioned, it was light outside, so i found it really difficult to sleep but, somehow, in the dredges of sleep that i did get, i kept jumping in and out of a string of *really* detailed and vivid dreams.

NOW THIS IS THE COOL PART (i logically cannot fathom how all this happened in 1-2 hours; the subconscious mind is insane)

in one of the dreams, i felt as though i was consciously awake. like i was in real life. i was lying on my bed in this dream, deciding to shift. i had a few short attempts but they werent 'working' so i told myself ill try one last time and 'it will work'. i was doing all the same things i do in real life, counting, affirming etc but this time, suddenly, i felt my body just ascending upwards and breaking through some kind of metaphysical boundary. i felt my surroundings change so fast, but it freaked me out so i snapped out of it so fast and i was back in bed again. i woke up, but somehow still in the dream, (though again, it felt so real) and then tried again but it didnt work. had i just pushed through that little bit, i just know i would've shifted and woken up somewhere else!! i wouldnt call this a lucid dream, as retrospectively, i didnt feel like i was fully in control, but it did feel like i was making decisions based on some sort of personal will.

the craziest thing was, i remember so vividly trying to fall asleep FOR AGES after my 7am alarm. again, with daylight already breaking through my blinds, i found getting back to bed SO difficult. i dont even remember falling asleep, let alone into such a deep sleep for all this to happen.

the only thing i remember is that i kept repeating 'i am in tigris snow's guest room, i am in tiggy's guest bedroom' (where i'm shifting to) over and over until i did go to sleep and just by doing that, i got so far!!

as someone who honestly doesnt like being out of control when shifting, ive always been an awake method girlie. i think this just comes with the fact that ive never fully trusted in the power of my subconscious and feel better doing it myself. but after this?? i hardly even used a method and i got so close to shifting and i still cant fathom what happened fully, just that it did and i was there.

overall, i rate this semi lucid experience a 1000/10 as it taught me the significance of so many basic shifting concepts i usually overlook, such as affirmations and 'sleep' methods, and just overall taught me to trust in my subconscious more.

so naturally, my future resolutions:

-trust in the power of affirmations

-try out more sleep methods

-learn more about lucid dreaming and whether what i experienced was one! if not, im sure im capable of getting into that state anyway so trying it out would be so cool too.

anyway, happy shifting friends

tish :)

[sluggintub]

Omg!!!!!!

Haiii!!!! Elloo!!!

Im back with your semi annual Robo Mace wip :0000

Finally was able to expand upon an idea cooking in my mind for a good bit which was a kinda battle mask (Basically whenever conflict is engaged their “human” mouth would be covered with this extravagant layer o’ metal to protect em!)

Practical considering they’re mostly made up of metal?

Absolutely not

Cool?

ABSOLUTELY

Anyways thats literally the whole wip.

Ive redrawn that same pose like five million times on different canvases with every attempt so ive made like zero progress 💀

But now that I have your attention I wanted to expand on Mace’s lore cuz I feel like it and I think i promised to make a post about it

So.

I dont know about any of you you guys-

I personally feel like Darcy the core and Alderitch coulda be so much cooler!

Like dont get me wrong. I like Darcy design wise! They’ve literally been living in my head rent free ever since their first teaser! (It’s a blessing and a curse please send help hshshHahabbfnsuaha)

But I personally feel like plot wise they were kinda lacking :(

And the idea of a bucha a n c i e n t newts consciousnesses invading a 13/14 year old kids mind forcefully is kinda…gross.

So.

I was brainstorming and came up with this:

When the core was first teased. Back in the ye olde days in the pre True colors when the fandom called it the Night-

Im not the only one that thought it was some sorta god right?

A giant mass of orange eyes that a powerful King that ruled for thousands of years kneels down to and calls “Master?”

Idk about you but that gives off omnipotent eldritch horror vibes to me.

So I basically took that concept and expanded upon that and incorporated bits of the lore that Andrias dropped about his kind.

Specifically about how he said that his kind were conquerers.

Why?

Sure. It could purely be a generational trauma thing.

His father did it. His father’s father did it. And his father’s father’s father did it as well.

That could be the end of it.

No one really knows why they conquer and enslave races other than “tradition.”

Maybe Andrias only mentions it all is so he can bask in his triumph. To feel a deluded sense of pride in his lineage for finally being able to continue the work of his forefathers after thousands of years of resentment and regret planted in his mind by his own father that twisted and corrupted his perception on reality.

Maybe Matt just thought those sequences up on the spot and they sorta made sense.

Theres alotta maybes and to my knowledge thats about the extent of it

But im not satisfied with that

So I took that concept. The conquering inter dimensional newts and elevated it.

The core was never a series of Newtopia’s “greatest minds.”

It was always an omnipotent being.

An all seeing all knowing all powerful elderitch horror that is always hungry.

Thats why Andrias’ ancestors invaded other worlds!

Whether it was out of fear or necessity or a deal made with the devil

The reason they invaded is because the core is always hungry. And it needed to feed. So they sacrificed whole worlds to the core just to satiate its ravenous appetite.

And it would explain why in the last season Amphibia was being siphoned for all its resources

Not only was it for the factories, the frobo army, and the mind control devices

It was to stave off the cores hunger until the invasion of earth could surpass

And I didnt forget about all those newts that died and had their brain transferred to the core originally oh nonono

They still sacrificed themselves. But not to join the core or become anything greater. Despite what they believed or what they were promised by the core, Alderitch and all those newts who made up the canon core were nothing more than willing sacrifices to the cores endless hunger. They realistically died for nothing.

So. With this concept/au/rewrite/whatever solves alot of the inconsistencies in the plot and also gets rid of the gross old newts in 13 year olds brain plot

Lemme know what you think of this concept! Im open to criticism and any ideas anyone is willing to share and will do my best to respond to em!

[hauntedfalcon]

Yknow its funny to me that I think it was most people's instinct - including my own - that the ot3 would happen between Sean and Jean first before approaching Marion to bring him into the fold. But thinking on this episode, it's looking more like Jean and Marion would bring Sean into the fold and him being very confused about it. Confused in a way that he feels undeserving. Might even take it more like 'oh im here to supply more fun, not to have the fun' and perform as a service top or bottom depending on the circumstance. And they have to tell him that no this is a romantic endeavor you idiot we love you and want you here with us all the time, even when you are hurting, Mr. 'I'm taking care of everyone so dont nobody dare try to take care of me' Finnerty

I am scrubbing back through the VOD right now and absolutely reeling at how exceedingly bisexual it is that it takes one minute of game time after regaining consciousness in Jean's arms before Marion calls for Sean and they make a let's-hold-Marion sandwich

this episode rocked the axis of all three of them in my mind. like. the interactions Jean and Marion had in episode one had this almost schoolkid innocence to them, and I think a lot of the bottom table trio shippers, including me, wanted to play with the chemistry of Jean and Sean first and toss in the sweet romantic secret sauce of Marion after.

but?? Jean witnessed and then forgot (or willfully blocked out) her dad performing an exorcism on Marion as a child? and he clearly did NOT forget her and started a somewhat ambiguous but obviously romantic relationship with her in which she has already touched his scar??

the angles of care here? episode two started what, a handful of days after the first episode? Jean still has a funeral to plan, but taking care of Marion is clearly a welcome distraction and when she's not actively doing that, she's looking out her window for EONS surveillance and having flashbacks to her dad dying. (to talk about later: the decision to have Zehra play Jinnah's father in Marion's dream, holy shit)

the fact that she now has a skill on her character sheet that lets her detect the "ailment, stress, or loss a person has in their life"??? oh boy, oh god, detecting sure isn't the same thing as fixing, is it? :))))))))))))))

and Sean?? the isolation? "I don't have anything. I don't have anything." "the last thing I need is anyone to come fucking take care of me." Sean's posture in the Silverslip chapterhouse when Jean was holding Marion?? genuinely, to your point, the only way they're going to get that man into bed and subsequently into a relationship is by making him feel useful.

if they all live that long, of course :)

om nom nom nom nom. tonight we feast, and tomorrow I start drafting a "three times Jean and Marion invited Sean over, and one time he said yes" fic. because you know what can fix the way that episode ended?? healthy polyamory!

[bastardrobocop]

not being funny, not being melodramatic i hope, but i feel like the last year has broken me in a lot of ways. 2023 i mean. i watched a long term relationship disintegrate in my hands until the ultimate betrayal of my trust and safety. i was so stressed and so fucked up all the time.

and now like, i can feel im withdrawing from my friends, im engaging in unhealthy behaviors i will not specify here, despite it all im more lonely than ive ever been, my hobbies are starting to feel like dust in my mouth, and while i'm not actively suicidal, the thought isnt far from my mind in that nasty intrusive thought sort of way.

there are nice things. i have the place to myself. the bed to myself. its quiet. but i feel like ive exhausted the amount of patience people have with me talking about what ive gone through. and as is the nature of things i dont feel as though ive built character or come through hardened. i feel mad. hurt. i want to hurt xer back somehow. take something back because something was taken from me. i feel like i have no recourse. god knows if xe'll hurt someone like xe hurt me again. but thats not even my primary motivation. i just hate feeling like theres nothing. no justice. no satisfaction. nothing that makes being raped a more tolerable experience, which is a silly thing to say. but you understand, right? like, sure i could post somewhere highly visible "In December of 2023 well known SCP Wiki author UraniumEmpire sexually assaulted me" but like what would that accomplish? it sure would put me under a microscope. its a surreal sentence too. hard to explain why. maybe its ultraminor celebrity combined with knowledge that inevitably it can just be denied and nobody will listen.

you know before now i never really noticed how much people fetishize sexual assault? "CNC" and the like. i dont care for it. i dont think they know. its frustrating as an adult online trying to navigate adult spaces. i know its an odd topic, but im fully stream of consciousness right now. i'll see something and it hits me in the gut and so i block the user or close the thing or leave the discord call. yet another addition to the list of things that make my tastes so exacting.

i feel like i should come to some overall point but the only thing coming to mind right now is just 'i hate this'. and i do. i hate this so much. i'm crying a lot more. at stupid things. weird things. memories. dreams. this post. the funny thing is that despite it all, despite the content, despite everything, i hope people read it. i like feeling like i exist. i like feeling real to other people. reminding folks that im not just a joke machine. i have an internal world. i have had a life that's lead me here and despite advantages it has not been good.

did i ever talk about how my high school graduation went? odd digression, bear with me. i feel like its emblematic of how things typically go for me. it's the day i graduate high school. i come downstairs to find my mother on skype with my kansas family. my grandfather is dying. they put him on skype. i watch him die over skype. after sitting alone for some time, i tell my parents i do not want to go through with high school graduation. i am forced to regardless. it is the most miserable day of my life. nobody listens to what i need in the moment. i go through with it, and then we are all shepherded to some kind of entertainment center. for reasons i cannot fathom, we are not allowed to leave for a couple hours. enforced fun time. they bring a stage hypnotist. i sit in silence and watch his antics. i get up and ask one of the people supervising us if i can leave now. they finally say yes. my mother takes me home. she asks if i have a nice time. i say of course i didnt. we drive home in silence.

i have have very rarely felt understood. very rarely felt like i was built to exist in the world. i feel as though i have an expiration date beyond the obvious one. i have grown older and watched people i know operate normally in the world and wondered how they do it. it never clicked for me. autism, transness, otherings. experts looked at me, told me i needed accommodations. never really got them, or they didnt help.

this is getting too long. i asked myself partway through if this was a suicide note but concluded that it wasn't. this is primarily because im scared if i die, they'll separate my cats. adopt them to different homes. they're best friends, they should not be kept apart. i love my cats, even when they're breaking shit and tearing open trash bags.

final paragraph. this whole post thing is probably going to sound embarrassing to me when i have hindsight on it. oh well. i am going to hit the post button now.

[intertexts]

GMORNING !!!!! u know what time it is

EPISODE 8 TRIVIA:

- the big monster they fought in the beginning was called a Crawling Apocalypse which looks like this. terrifying !!!

- bizly really liked that william banished it. he was originally not gonna let him do that but then "i realized your character can do so little and that was cool so i said fuck it" we love william pity points he is such a loser and he rolls so terribly <3

- they start talking about one piece because grizzlys saying things abt how certain parts of dakota are inspired by luffy and bizly goes "ive never watched anime" which is the biggest lie in the world

- grizzly: "yknow we were about an hour into the episode before i realized wow i havent done anything productive yet"

condi: "you just hit on vyncents mom for like 20 minutes!!!!"

- and then they start talking about how dakota and chip (bizlys pc from riptide) would either be best friends or hate each other which is really funny bc there are now MULTIPLE what if crossover episodes where they meet and interact and thats exactly the dynamic . i love them

- condi wasnt expecting his dad to be dead, he thought theyd have to fight him

- he kind of hesitated taking the sword !! vyncent doesnt really know how to feel about using something that belonged to his father

- he wasnt entirely Present for the part where his dad betrayed the party, he was sort of fading in and out of consciousness so theres a chance he didnt actually get the full picture. condi knows this out of character and vyncent knows it in the back of his mind somewhere that his dad might not actually be fully evil but hes too angry to come to terms with that yet

- hes struggling a lot with the fact that his mom.doesnt know about the betrayal. he doesnt want to tell her because "its not his fathers pride at stake, its his mother's memory of him" and that makes me so . :(

- THE GREATS!!!!!!!! THE GREATS ARE HERE i love the greats. surely nothing bad is happening to them

- they have a couple theories as to whats going on with the greats:

-- condi: theyre in this state because vyncent took too long getting them back here out of his head

-- condi: they were killed when they got transported to the other world and there was no way to get them back completely

-- charlie: something happened in the time where vyncent was transported to prime and the greats had died, so someone did something to keep them alive by putting them in his head. maybe they could only be kept alive by being in vyncents head

- grizzly tries to insight check bizly irl to see if any of their theories are close so far. this does not work . he rolled a 17 btw

- none of them trust minerva they think she might be secretly working with the lich. bizly defends her by saying "shes also in the middle of basically an apocalypse i think shes allowed to be a little mean to you"

- le frog is the only french person ever. this is brought up with NO context no explanation

- bizly is sharing some of the thumbnail art from youtube because this was right around the time the first few episodes were being put up publically !! most of them are just the same as the official refs but the most important one is le frog bc im not actually sure if youve seen his offical design yet . also tide used to be white. we dont have to talk about white tide

- bizly says pd feels more like a DC comic than a Marvel comic. hes right about this

- charlie starts talking about marissa meyer books and this is important 2 me because the lunar chronicles was an extremely formative piece of media for me . she apparently has a book called renegades thats superhero themed and i have not read it yet but i put it on my list specifically because of this. wahoo!

tgis is SUCH good trivia for this ep thank u dude... ouagh. really solid meal here. i love these last couple episodes so much.. there's so much fun stuff happening here i'm enjoying all of the greats stuff & getting like a solid Vyncent Moment for a while.

i LOVE the william pity points its great! it WAS cool as fuck!! also i gain +5 hp every time a gm goes "who give a shit if this isn't technically how the game mechanics should work, it's fun for everyone at the table & makes for something cool and makes sense narratively."

that being said. i DID take SO MUCH PSYCHIC DAMAGE from how long dakota spent hitting on his fucking mom. Please. Please king !!! sob.

I ALSO WAS EXPECTING THEM TO FIGHT VYN'S DAD???? still not unconvinced that some lich undead bullshit isn't going to happen with that. god i'm so invested in figuring out what HAPPENED there... i love this type of murder mystery situation. & i also was genuinely unsure if he would take the sword or not!! really kind of an ohhh shit! moment when he did. imo. vyncent virion sol i love u.... also it's still INCREDIBLY funny 2 me that he's still in his normal clothes. i have not forgotten that he is just doin his fantasy bullshit thing in the just some guy drip. (<- i might have forgotten something but i've been assuming they no longer have/wear Official Hero Drip since they're no longer really sanctioned or on great terms w/ them? also i've been assuming that the episode-specific clothes & shit isn't really permanent... now that im thinking about it though please tell me wiwi hardcore blue flame black leather kickass spiky biker jacket remains. it's too cool for him. but. still.)

I LOVE THE GREATS SO MUCH... i hope nothing permanently bad happens to them :( i like them so dearly..... you know they r really solid folks because they spent a YEAR and change living in a teenager's brain & came out of the experience still bein so nice 2 him.... augh. also in general big fan of the system-adjacent bullshit :] i love it when theres. guy with guys in his head. etc. will b sad ab their departure but i hope they r OKAY and return 2 Being Alive & shit!! nervous laughter. also god i can't wait to find out what Actually Happened with them. hhrhrghghgghh.

THIS IS SO TRUE ALSO???? free my girl minerva she did nothing but have Literally Normal Reactions to TERRIBLE things happening!!!

I DON'T LIKE THAT LEFROG FACT. it raises the question of is he actually even french or like, is there even a point of reference for his behavior. like. What is going on there. Horrifying thank you!!!! also man this entire degree im working on would be useless! well. maybe prime quebec exists. somehow. independently of a hypothetical europe. HIS DESIGN IS SO FUN BTW. its so cute.. i WAS kind of imagining a mutant Big Real Fucking Frog situation but i think this is a lot more reasonable. also literally ignoring white tide I Do Not See it. It Does Not Exist.

ALSO. NOT GOING TO START TALKING AB COMICS FOR EVEN MORE PARAGRAPHS. BUT. he is so so so right. (<- dc comics guy with Opinions. well. technically im not even much of a dc guy im just a vertigo guy. but. still.) hghghghbhgh.

[genlossneg]

i really liked genloss, but i just dont get what ranboo was doing with the advertising and the hyping up of it. they would keep going back and forth on things they said, like one time he said "idc if it only gets 3 veiwers, ill have had fun with it" but then turned round to say "im playing the main character so that more people will watch it and get more people invested". i dont get it??? like which one????

also they said "im not cutting any corners with this project, this is going to be something that if i were to stop everything right after, id be happy" then didnt take any acting classes, didnt script like 80% of the show then went and said "i promise to make the future gens much better with the things ive learnt from gen 1 :)". ?????? so was it a test or was it his passion project. they acknowledged that their acting was bad...so why not hire a good actor if he didnt care about views??

i honestly think that the marketing team was just ranboo in a room going "yeah sure ill post this why not" and no one checking if it was a good move or not lmao. it honestly feels like two different projects that had nothing to do with wach other. its like ranboo didnt know the genloss yt channel existed and accidentally chose the same name or something.

we didnt know anything about the plot of genloss up to like a week before the show, and as someone who has been very invested in genloss since the start up until the show, the little teasers on the genloss yt channel were just...nothing. it was like ranboo expected us to just go "woah vintage tv :O cassete tapes :O" (and thats exactly what happened lmaoo).

ranboo said in a stream that "id rather give u guys 30 seconds of content than drag it out for 15 minutes" or smthn like that but like. how do u call a vintage tv displaying Analog-Horror-Phrase-52(TM) content? it didnt say anything about the plot. and the "plot" we got was fucking lightyears away from the teasers.

ranboo just lied for like 2 years, and i know ideas can change but it was marketed in the same way all the way up to like a week before the show so thats lovely i love being lied to :)

ranboo had a stream called like "talking about genloss/horror project" or something where it was just like an hour of them going "ITS GONNA BE SO COOOLLL!!!! GET EXCITED!!!!!!" which is kinda funny in hindsight lmao

i meant for this to be a single paragraph oops

in conlusion tho, the teasers were lies and felt very stream of consciousness and not very well thought out, and also ranboo lied to get people excited and it annoyed the shit out of me.

sorry to be all "ranboo said this ranboo said that" ive been a fan for about a year and a half now and have had these little bits of info stored in my brain for a while

no one could convince me they had any sort of meaningful marketing team. there was for sure a bunch of dissonance from what we saw to what this gen was. i think it'd be fine if it was at least a bit more related to what we got. idk im giving you a thumbs up in my brain

[imsleepyanon]

the mood. THE MOOD. of this entire thing. insane.

ok so, here's thing about lore's writing. the way they write just tickles me, punches me, hugs me, chokes me--everything under the sun, it just fundamentally messes with me. i still need to think about this critically bc even i dont exactly know why it does, but all i know is that my cells are eating this up like its the only thing edible left on earth.

one thing i do know is that the way they space dialogue, paragraphs, etc., is smth i appreciate A LOT. i didnt realize this until i wrote for myself (im an ex-writer!!) and even while i read other fics, i found myself almost viscerally reacting to poorly spaced fics. that's a talk for another day, but i just have to say that lore has mastered AMBIENCE. atmosphere. mood. there is this flow, like the waves against the shore, that just makes SENSE. i still need to pick at this more to be able to properly verbalize it, but it for sure adds to why their writing seems so artful to me. like those paintings you'd want to hang up in your reading room.

OK SLIGHTLY RELATED, but the use of parentheses (im starting to think theres smth wrong with me bc why am i fixating on such small things) is so. natural. i think this is what i meant when i referred to "stream of consciousness-esque" things, where details are included in ways that make the entire thing scenic. it feels like a movie, reading this (all of lore's works are like this tbf). it feels like im witnessing smth, but it's almost tangible, the way it unassumingly appears. but the things said there add so much, it adjusts the hue of the writing, or maybe it increases contrast or its the color that's been balanced with those details (using illustration/art terms now LOL).

honestly reading this makes me want to read properly again. i used to breathe books, but as i got jaded and stuff happened in my life, i stopped reading. and im realizing now as i write out these thoughts, that being a reader makes me so so so happy. this is also why i probably couldnt contain the urge to make a tumblr just to harass lore, bc they reminded me that i love being a reader. it felt like biting into a dessert i forgot existed, a favorite that was left in my past.

this became oddly sentimental/emotional, but tbh writing this out is oddly therapeutic to me. i have a lot of appreciation for writers, and i think it bubbled to a point where i couldnt contain it well (like literally, wth is this post). but i think it's more than deserved, that's why comments go a long way for creative people. being in a world ruled by algorithms and numbers and engagement makes it so hard to create the things you want to, and it makes it a lot harder for works to meet the right people.

im happy i found lore, and that theyve continued to write despite the stuff happening to creative content these days. lore, if youre reading this, i hope that this mess of a ramble does even a fraction of what your writing has done for me! the small moments of excitement or happiness i get from your work, its moments like that, that allow me to breathe a little.

on a lighter note, why is it so fitting that jy calls you "dearest." SOB that man, no wonder he was my first bbygirl. i find it so fascinating lore decided to use "dearest" as opposed to "honey," which seemingly has the same meaning/undertone, but NO. IT IS SO DIFFERENT. BUT MY QUESTION IS, HOW DID THEY KNOW ???? IS THIS INTUITIVE ??? omg im going to actually talk about their characterization abilities later, it actually drives me feral. (its their blade characterization that finally broke the camels back and i literally had to comment as anon...and now here we are, off anon and i'm literally writing essays in reblogs....do tumblr users even do this? i still dont know how to use the site but i think i want to use it as like, a personal fic reading diary now. and who's to stop me? god? god cant save me now)

=========

[this. this is exactly why i used to avoid commenting on writers' stuff bc, who the hell looks at this and thinks it's normal? bc i certainly dont. but once i started writing, every little comment meant so much, ofc as long as they werent asking when the next chapter would be uploaded. funny thing, that's actually why i stopped writing myself; just got tired of it, and the constant hounding made me avoid the series i was writing for. RIPPP, and im assuming this is also why old me just left fic-life altogether.

but seeing that this is quite enjoyable for me too--yk, being able to fangirl (neutral) about writers/works that ive enjoy so much, im lowkey going to commit myself to have this reading diary of sorts. and then the writers can know that they have an unhinged anon (me) eyeing their works like its their last meal (it is)]

(a continuation of this piece)

"i was surprised that you were late today."

jing yuan says halfway through lunch. he speaks over the rim of his teacup. his lips are curled in an easy, gentle smile. his shoulders are relaxed, posture slack as he leans against his own bent leg.

he's barely touched his meal.

(you have a full bowl as well.)

"i got caught up with work." a lie. a blatant one. you're never late for lunches, and you always let jing yuan know if you even have an inkling of being a few minutes past your appointed time. you're careful about it. meticulous.

your visit to blade has made you careless. dulled you with a grief that is eating you alive.

jing yuan hums thoughtfully. you hope he won't press this. he's-- he's an unusually calm character when he wants to be. you're his lover-- dutifully, horribly reliable and loyal. he has no reason to doubt you.

(except, you'd spent the first half of the day in the shackling prison with its beau acratic hoops and horrors, all to see yingxing. to be heartbroken all over again.)

you thought it would bring you some closure. in retrospect, this was more wishful thinking. all its left you with is an hot, branding ache in your chest. a wound ripped open anew. it had already scarred over, albeit imperfectly healed.

(jing yuan never minded this. he could tell he carried things with you, he'd both told and shown you this. and truthfully, how could you not? being undying does not lend itself to happiness. it lends itself to an accumulation of sin that cannot be undone. cannot be lessened.)

"dear?" jing yuan asks, voice mirthful and sweet. "are you with me?"

"yes." you force yourself present. you hope your eyes aren't too puffy. "i am distracted. what did you say?"

"i asked you what kept you at work." jing yuan asks, so easy. so kind. "if lady fu is working you to hard, i am happy to arrange a few days off for you. is a vacation in order?"

"no, it's alright." you rush, stumble over your words. "i should've planned better is all. how is your lunch?"

jing yuan rests his chin on his palm, "i'm not very hungry today. i apologize, dearest."

"you don't need to apologize. it happens." you assure him. "i'll make you a meal tomorrow. just let me know what you're in the mood for."

"you spoil me."

"i simply treat you well." you tell him. you're grateful you're able to. that the general lets you close enough to cook for him and feed him morsels and lounge on his personal terrace in the artificial sun each day during noontime.

"you do." jing yuan says softly. reverent. he gets like this sometimes. moony and a little dumb about it. so genuine and earnest it breaks you.

(it makes your lie feel that much more sour.)

jing yuan opens his mouth to say more, but promptly redirects as yanqing arrives, swords floating around his back. he and the general talk, carouse for a moment. yanqing has had yet another day of sparring. that's good. that's nice.

(yingxing doesn't remember you. only you are burdened with this memory. will this feeling eat you alive? it's-- it feels worse than it did when you were younger. more naive. when things fell apart and you were burdened with standing by and watching the world you loved so much, with the people you loved so much fall apart. even jing yuan was away, making a name for himself. proving his worth.)

(you alone bear this.)

your chest aches.

jing yuan is at your side. you hadn't noticed him approach you so directly.

"dearest, walk with me?" jing yuan asks and offers you a hand to help you stand. yanqing is already tucking into his meal, waving goodbye.

the terrace is wide, and high above the rest of the luofu's structure. it's lush with plants. vining fruits, plump and ready to be picked curl along its railing. flowers bloom wide and bright.

(you wish you could focus on the beauty of it. how kind a place this is. how fortunate you are to have made it this far.)

"you're distracted today." jing yuan says, guiding you to a bench. his hand lays warm and firm on your shoulder. "are you sure the divination commission is giving you trouble?"

(no, the mutual past lover you both share is layers below you in the shackling prison. radiating an energy that feels astral and unholy. the kindness purged from him. yingxing really is dead, isn't he?)

"no, i promise." you give him a half-truth and a smile that you hope isn't as withered as you fear it is.

jing yuan looks pleasantly neutral. perhaps, if you were some foreign diplomatic or tourist you'd be charmed by such expression. the arbiter general of the luofu is known to be ruthless in battle with a lovely personal disposition. perhaps you'd see this moment as a reflection of that rumor.

you know, however, that in this moment jing yuan is frustrated. he will not treat you with the same firmness that he does his retainer or his subordinates, but you know the feeling is, perhaps, the same.

jing yuan doesn't like when you withhold information. he has always vocally appreciated your candor, with a sweet honesty that's disarming as it comes from a man who speaks in half-truths so frequently.

and now, you lie to him. your jaw is locked and your eyes still feel scratchy and swollen from your tears.

jing yuan begins to speak and you cut him off. grab his hand with a squeeze and pull yourself into his side.

"do you remember when you broke the first blade that yingxing made for you?" you ask.

jing yuan goes still for a moment. just a second of hesitation but you catch it. the feeling melts away as he laughs, tinged with melancholy. "i do. he was furious with me. and you had to collect new ore off-ship for a month for him to craft a replacement."

"i did." you whine with a laugh. "it was miserable. 'roid mining is awful. i was cleaning astradust from under my fingernails for weeks when i got back."

"but, you came back with the ore regardless."

"yes, and i never did again. no matter how much yingxing tried to bribe me."

"you were too busy entertaining the young lady fu to be his errand boy. i remember well."

"i probably could've made the time." you tell him. he knows this already. "i just didn't want to be away. i would've missed you both too much."

"is that why you so graciously eat with me each day?"

"i do that because i love you." you squeeze his hand. "and i enjoy your company. and want to be near you."

(you want to hold him until the last moment, however that takes shape.)

jing yuan hums. he fits you so your cheek presses against his collarbone, and his chin rests on the top of your hand. his arms wrap around your middle, squeezing and rubbing his thumbs over you. he holds you tightly to him.

"the feeling is mutual." jing yuan tells you, soft in a hushed voice only you get to hear.

you bear your weight into him. he catches you easily. holds you until yanqing calls for you both to stop being so 'gross' and to 'rate his form' on a new maneuveur he's been practicing.

jing yuan leads you once more, never fully pulling away from you. a hand on your waist, a palm over the small of your back. he puts you in his lap the moment yanqing excuses himself to flit about.

"you need to get back to the divination commission soon, don't you?" jing yuan asks, probing.

"i took the day off."

"you did, now?" jing yuan has already seen through you. this you know.

"yes." you tell him.

(you want to tell him more. you want to scream and beat the ground. perhaps you willl, later, in the privacy of your shared home.)

for now, you satiate the ache with the truth.

"i saw blade earlier. that's why i was late."

jing yuan squeezes you. it almost hurts as he curls over you.

"and?" jing yuan asks. there's a weakness in his voice that you seldom hear. "are you satisfied?"

"hardly." you tell him, turning his arms to wrap your legs around his waist. to drag him closer until your chest to chest and can hear the steady heartbeat thumping under his sternum. "i don't think i ever will be. i miss him too much. he's just gone."

"i know."

"it's awful, isn't it?"

"it simply is." jing yuan says. this is his way-- the way he has kept himself from being eaten alive by mara. you cannot be cannibalized by the thriving rot if you simply choose to let go of the awful, terrible things that would cleave another person in two. he look at the objective rationality of each situation-- this is why he is the longest-lived general. this is why he is a brilliant strategist, and a soft, grounding lover.

because, he reminds you that yingxing is dead, and any fondness you carry for the man known as blade is misplaced.

"do you not miss him?"

"of course." jing yuan kisses your temple. holds you tightly lest you plunge into the ground or float into the sky. "that does not change things though, does it?"

hope is a twisted thing, you think. in this instance, it's better to kill it. whatever mission yingxing-- no, blade has set out to complete should not concern you. there are greater crises. worse ills.

kinder realities that lay in front of you. at your feet. in your arms.

you nose into jing yuan's jaw. each shuddering breath he gives you, you savor. there's no use clinging, is there? but that doesn't mean you won't enjoy each moment you have with him. you'll be at his side until the divinations carve that that will no longer be possible. you will reminisce, however painful-- but aeons, you must refuse to let your past burden you.

so, you hold jing yuan like a lover does. cup his cheeks and kiss him until he's groaning against your lips, grinding you in his lap. he nips at your lips with a laugh as he pulls you flush to him. closer, closer, closer--

you will hold this in your cupped palms, as long as fate allows. perhaps, you both have earned that much.

[stuniolvs]

sweetheart

matthew sturniolo

summary.) you and matt have been enemies since sophomore year. what will happen when you two go to a party together?

warnings.) descriptions of being sick.

you’re currently getting ready to go to a party with the triplets you put on a simple dress, converse, and curl your hair. 8:54, the clock reads, nick said that he’d be here around 9.

you’ve known the triplets since freshman year but every time you see matt he’s rude to you.

its always some snarky comment about your looks or how you’re ’so annoying'

on cue, you hear matt honk outside and you hop in the car next to nick. you are about to thank matt for picking you up before he says.

“dont you think your hair is a bit much?” he mumbles, although you can hear it very clearly.

you look down at your lap and fiddle with your fingers, you then start trying to fix your hair, flattening it.

“y/n, your hair looks pretty” nick says smiling at you.

“thank you” i smile but still feeling hurt by matts comment. ive always felt just a little bit different about matt.

i used to talk to him all the time, we were best friends and then at the start of sophomore year he just ghosted me.

‘sweetheart’ he used to call me.

you exit the car arms linked with nick. “i like your shirt chris!” you compliment looking down at his camo shirt.

“thank you, y/n/n. i love your dress.” he says. you nod at him, smiling entering the house.

matt clenches his jaw hearing chris compliment you. he quickly relaxes when he sees you biting your lip. he immediately remembers how one of the first things you bonded over was your anxiety and you told him that you always bite your lip when you're nervous.

he walks behind you just to make sure no one gets too close to you.

as you guys go and get water you feel a small pain in your stomach. you can’t tell if its from anxiety, sickness, or both.

after about 45 minutes of wandering around, talking to a couple people before settling on a couch.

your next to matt with nick on the other side.

“no, yeah” you hear the random guy say, ryan, you think his name was. “hold on, im gonna go re-fill my drink” chris says. “me too.” nick and ryan say at the same time as they all leave.

you and matt sit on the couch as there’s like a hundred people surrounding you slowly getting more, and more stuffy.

you start to feel really nervous, your stomach hurts and you have anxiety with means you also have anxiety about your stomach hurting which makes it hurt more.

“matt?” you whisper. “what?” he snaps. his eyes softening when he sees your nervous state. you pull your feet up to your chest, pulling down your dress.

“what’s wrong sweetheart?” you hear him whisper. he places his hand on your back rubbing his thumb softly over the fabric of your dress.

your heart start beating rapidly. “i dont feel good matt, my stomach hurts and my anxiety is bad which is making my stomach hurt"

“im sorry,” he pulls you to his side wrapping his arm around you. “im so sorry about everything y/n. i dont know what i was thinking. over freshman year i started to like ou and then i got scared to i started being rude. im so stupid and i should’ve never done tha-“ he’s cut off by you hugging him landing on his lap. “im in love with you sweetheart” he confesses.

your heart pounds “im in love with you matt.” you speak, he blushes, tucking his head into your neck.

“does this mean im your boyfriend?” he asks “ do you want to be my boyfriend?” “of course” he flushes. “then yes.” you kiss him on the forehead “i wanna kiss you really bad but im 100% sick, my head is pounding.” you admit.

he kisses your temple and pulls back to kiss your stomach. he places a soft hand on the back of your head pushing you into his chest. “rest for a second sweetheart. im gonna text chris and nick.” he says, you nod.

after a couple minutes he lifts you from your thighs caring you to the car while you slightly regain consciousness. “mm-baby, where?” you ask, he blushes at the nickname.

“chris and nick are gonna get an uber, lets get you home so i can take care of you.” he states, setting you in the passenger seat.

once you get back to the house he sets you in his bed. he then grabs sweatpants and a t-shirt of his to change into.

“one sec, im gonna go get some stuff.” he says through the bathroom door.

he comes back with medicine, water, and your favorite blanket you always use when you come over. you're just standing there unsure what to do.

he sets the stuff down and picks you up laying on the opposite side of the bed that he lays on.

you take the medicine then he tucks the blanket around you then he puts his duvet over you.

“will you lay with me?” you ask “of course, if you want.” “please do,” you say.

he changes into sweatpants and a hoodie, in front of you. you blush. he climbs into bed pulling you to his chest.

he pulls you in, cupping you cheeks. as your lips meet the kiss is soft and passionate expression so many emotions. after a couple of minutes he pulls back “why the fuck did you just kiss me? im sick.” you respond. “im sleeping in the same bed as you, its inevitable.” he states, smiling.

“i love you sweetheart"

[pesterloglog]

Dave Strider, John Egbert, Jade Harley

Act 6, page 6302-6323

DAVE: so weird being back here

DAVE: cant believe how long ago it feels since i lived in this place

DAVE: spent way too long wallowing in our own filth on that gnarly meteor thats for sure

DAVE: this doesnt even seem like my room anymore

DAVE: its like trespassing or something like im horning in on somebody elses life

DAVE: a life lived most sweetly though i will admit

DAVE: ahahaha the fuckin toilets still there

DAVE: i remember when jade put that there that is perhaps like my favorite memory

DAVE: wish jade wasnt crazy just makes me remember how much i miss not crazy jade

DAVE: or less crazy jade

DAVE: wait

DAVE: didnt karkat once say terezi ripped a troll toilet out of his house

DAVE: what is with girls and their universally constant tendency to rip out plumbing fixtures

DAVE: did i just accidentally crack another cosmic riddle or

DAVE: i gotta txt him and get confirmation on this asap

DAVE: actually nah

DAVE: i probably harangued the poor guy with enough of my bs the last few years

DAVE: ill just keep shufflin thru memory lane making wistful observations out loud

DAVE: you know it kinda chaps my bulge that people rip on me for talking to myself

DAVE: its like the most perfectly natural thing to do

DAVE: why are people so up tight about keepin a lid on their monologues what a bunch of stuffy pricks

DAVE: ive always found the sound of my own voice to be mysteriously soothing

DAVE: haha talk about an embarrassing sentence to say in earshot of an actual person

DAVE: well maybe not the mayor

DAVE: you can always tell the mayor anything <3

DAVE: hahaha this piece of shit is still here too

DAVE: didnt we use this thing like ONCE

DAVE: what a useless pile of trash in hindsight

DAVE: sometimes i think this game was designed by an idiot

DAVE: wasnt it called like

DAVE: the laserbeam intellivision or something

DAVE: id throw it in the lava but that would be a waste of melting

DAVE: oh yeah

DAVE: almost forgot about my ill beats from the past

DAVE: i wonder if theyre as ill as i remember

DAVE: ok i just pushed some buttons and verified they remain as ill as the day they were dropped

DAVE: ill have to send them to karkat he has always been an enthusiastic patron of my exceptional science

DAVE: i mean sure he says it sucks and maybe he even believes that on some pathetic sub intellectual plane of consciousness which gross philistines operate on their whole lives

DAVE: but whenever he gets a load of my hype

DAVE: i see him there

DAVE: tapping his foot ever so slightly

DAVE: i see him

DAVE: this poster...

DAVE: love this poster

DAVE: its like an old friend

DAVE: never even knew who these guys were or what their deal was

DAVE: never gave it much thought i guess

DAVE: doubt ill ever find out at this point

DAVE: oh well

DAVE: some things i guess were never meant to be figured out

DAVE: or benefit from any kind of elaboration

DAVE: not even years later

DAVE: just the way it is sometimes

DAVE: its like ive said before

DAVE: this poster is a hell of a mystery

DAVE: that i never even thought was a mystery

DAVE: and it would be pretty cool if somebody solved it

DAVE: but damn if thats ever gonna happen

DAVE: so thats a shame

DAVE: aw hell its my old dead things collection

DAVE: what a stupid blast from the past

DAVE: i seriously cannot remember if i was sincere with this shit

DAVE: i was probably trying to flex my underdeveloped irony muscles

DAVE: like the shrimpiest kid at the hipster gym

DAVE: why does my childhood room have to be such a predictable museum of embarrassments

DAVE: i dont know

DAVE: some of these things are kind of cool actually

DAVE: like from a standpoint of objective reevaluation afforded by the sobering maturity that comes with being literally 100% grown up now

DAVE: dead things are actually pretty rad

DAVE: i feel like if i was legitmately into all this then more should have come of the interest

DAVE: like there could have been like

DAVE: entire CONVERSATIONS about it that never even took place

DAVE: hey rose youll never guess what im excited about and have loads of dialogue to spill over

DAVE: whats that dave

DAVE: ancient mollusks

DAVE: hmmmmmmmm said rose

DAVE: how many bananas do you think this paw clutched back when it was alive and attached to a monkey

DAVE: dave i really must say

DAVE: this conversation blows

DAVE: yeah sorry

DAVE: maybe i could have really developed this interest

DAVE: maybe i could have been something cool as a result

DAVE: like what even profession is this

DAVE: a dead shit ogler?

DAVE: no wait

DAVE: probably a paleontologist or something

DAVE: i could have been a paleontologist

DAVE: instead of what i became

DAVE: which was

DAVE: uh

DAVE: some pajama packing fuckface from the renaissance fair

DAVE: that would have been the dopeness!

DAVE: eurgh

DAVE: the ironic selfies

DAVE: oh god

DAVE: now this

DAVE: this is some irredeemably mortifying shit here

DAVE: what was i thinking

DAVE: i dont know man

DAVE: i just dont know

DAVE: this is what seasoned veterans call "bad irony"

DAVE: look at this guy

DAVE: what a fucking novice

DAVE: oh who am i kidding

DAVE: i cant stay mad at that face

DAVE: ok this one is pretty funny actually

DAVE: ...

DAVE: eheheh

DAVE: hehehehe

DAVE: haha!

DAVE: hahahahahaha!

DAVE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

DAVE: WHY

DAVE: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

DAVE: (gasp)

DAVE: WHY CANT

DAVE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

DAVE: WHY CANT I STOP LAUGHING

DAVE: PFFFFAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

DAVE: YOU WIN!

DAVE: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

DAVE: YOU WIN YOUNG DAVE

DAVE: THESE SELFIES ARE COMEDY GOLD

DAVE: AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

JOHN: hi dave!

JOHN: what's so funny?

DAVE: whoa

DAVE: john

JOHN: what were you looking at there...

JOHN: hey, are you crying?

DAVE: what

DAVE: no

JOHN: ...

DAVE: i mean i was just laughing too hard at something dumb

DAVE: you know how it is

JOHN: heh, yeah.

JOHN: can i see?

DAVE: no its nothing

DAVE: where the fuck have you been

DAVE: do you remember what happened since we got here

JOHN: yes.

DAVE: well

DAVE: are you gonna fill me in or keep floating there in the most uninformative way possible

JOHN: uh oh.

JOHN: dave, i have to go!

DAVE: what

DAVE: why

JOHN: i can't hang around in one place for too long.

JOHN: let's catch up later, ok?

DAVE: john wait

JOHN: see you buddy!

DAVE: no dont

DAVE: john no stop turning into wind you fickle idiot

DAVE: dont just leave right away that is such an insanely predictable move

DAVE: i said get back here you slippery motherfucker!!!

JADE: hello dave

DAVE: god dammit

JADE: he was just here wasnt he

DAVE: no

JADE: how do you even know who im talking about??

DAVE: look all i know is egbert most definitely didnt just appear out of nowhere and catch me weeplaughing at my selfies

JADE: dave i know he was just here

JADE: i can smell him

DAVE: i keep my apparment misted with his odor at all times

DAVE: essence d'egbert

JADE: degbear?

JADE: what...

DAVE: no like the french pronunciation

JADE: ah

DAVE: anyway im just a lot more comfortable when my whole place reeks of nerd musk

DAVE: so that explains that

JADE: you cant fool me dave

JADE: i will track him down sooner or later

JADE: in any case it doesnt matter

JADE: i came here to see you, not him

DAVE: you did

JADE: come with me

DAVE: where

JADE: out here

JADE: we have some work to do

DAVE: what work

JADE: youre going to need to upgrade your weapon

DAVE: what

DAVE: you mean the deringer

JADE: yes

DAVE: i thought it was like the best possible sword

DAVE: or at least the best possible broken sword

JADE: that may very well be the case

JADE: but it will be useless against lord english

JADE: wouldnt you prefer a weapon that is capable of inflicting damage against him?

DAVE: uh

DAVE: not really?

JADE: of course you would

JADE: this isnt even up for discussion

JADE: now give me the deringer

JADE: we have all been traveling for three long years. what better way to celebrate our reunion than with a little alchemy? :)

DAVE: lots of ways

DAVE: we could have a jade goes back to normal party

DAVE: starring normal jade

JADE: HAR HAR

JADE: gimme the sword

DAVE: ok here

DAVE: how do we make it so it can damage him

JADE: it needs a special ingredient

JADE: something which represents his only known weakness, but hasnt been properly weaponized

DAVE: and you know what that is

JADE: i do

DAVE: how

JADE: i get all my intelligence on such matters from the old lady

JADE: shes had centuries to hatch a plan to settle her score

JADE: over time shes uncovered many secrets about him

DAVE: i dont understand how this is working

DAVE: is she piping all these secrets into your brain

DAVE: along with the evil

JADE: that is not relevant!

DAVE: fair enough

DAVE: i guess technically almost nothing is relevant to the dude youre barking orders to

DAVE: literal barking because of dogginess

JADE: bark bark bark!!!

DAVE: yes exactly like that

DAVE: thank you for participating in the joke

DAVE: now what is this special ingredient and where do we get it

JADE: i already have it right here

DAVE: oh yeah?

JADE: in fact ive had it for about as long as i can remember

JADE: it was right under my doggy snout all along

JADE: remember this?

DAVE: no

JADE: dave are you lying to me?

DAVE: no!

DAVE: ive never seen that thing before

JADE: but i found it on your planet

JADE: it must have gotten here somehow

DAVE: i didnt take your lousy egg

JADE: its not an egg!

DAVE: yeah well these planets are crawling with brainless lizards maybe one of them thought it was an egg

DAVE: and then brought it here cause its warm here and tried to hatch it

JADE: you really have a one track mind when it comes to certain things

DAVE: what things

DAVE: what are you talking about

JADE: davesprite was like that too... i just figured it was because he was part bird

JADE: but no, here you are going on about bird things too just like him :p

DAVE: come on dont compare me to him

DAVE: just cause i think its an eggy looking thing dont mean i think like a damn bird

JADE: mm hmm

JADE: and just because i have these pointy ears doesnt mean i wouldnt kill for some snausages right now!

DAVE: .....................

DAVE: do you actually want snausages

JADE: .....................

JADE: maybe ._.

DAVE: ok well snausages notwithstanding this is bullshit

DAVE: tell me how that thing doesnt look like an egg to you

DAVE: how is that not so obviously SUCH an egg???

JADE: its a cueball dave!

DAVE: i see

DAVE: so if im following

DAVE: then what youre trying to tell me is

DAVE: lord english has some sort of severe egg allergy that we are hoping to exploit

JADE: sigh

JADE: i see its still impossible to have a serious conversation with you, whether you are a sassy bird or not

JADE: i thought regular dave might have matured a little over three years but i guess i was wrong

DAVE: can we just make the eggsword already

DAVE: oh no

DAVE: not the legendary piece of shit again

JADE: pardon?

DAVE: its the fuckin welsh sword again!

JADE: are you telling me you have seen this sword before dave

JADE: how is that possible?

DAVE: i dont know!

DAVE: because i have a shitty quest is how

JADE: .....

DAVE: didnt davesprite tell you anything

DAVE: i found this sword in a gold cave and broke it

DAVE: then davesprite took it to hephaestus who fixed it and upgraded it to the deringer

DAVE: and sent that to me and i broke it again

JADE: you sure seem to break swords a lot

DAVE: i know!!!

DAVE: that has always been my thing for some reason

DAVE: now i guess it turns out my ultimate sword is really just a repaired downgrade of my previously ultimate sword mixed with a cueball?

DAVE: we just cycled right back to caledfwelsh like a bunch of tools

DAVE: that is the most stupid convoluted ass backward way to get a sword out of a stone i can even imagine

DAVE: i feel like somebody somewhere is having a good laugh over this i sure hope like the juggalo equivalent of fuckin loki or whoever the fuck is having a top notch riddlewank at my expense

JADE: :|

DAVE: you know what really gets me is

DAVE: this shitty welsh sword presumably consisted of those ingredients all along which just makes me want to travel back in time to perform a mutually assisted suicide with myself

DAVE: me and other dave can take turns suffocating each other with our own DUMBASS capes

JADE: dave i admit this is a peculiar turn of events, but i think you are overreacting

DAVE: jade this is STUPID

DAVE: my quest is a STUPID PIECE OF GARBAGE QUEST for LAME SHITTY LOSER FUCKHEADS WHO SUCK BALLS WHILE CRAPPING THEIR PANTS

JADE: omg

JADE: youve really spent way too much time alone with karkat havent you

DAVE: ...

DAVE: i need help :(

[csa-survivor-confessions]

?

Hi, some things have been going on lately that i wanted some clarity on. So when i was age 6 or 7, i was raped. I didn’t remember it for about a decade apart from the flashbacks i’d get with no visual memory, and truthfully im still doubting the memory and am still not sure it is real but i have decided to at least try to believe myself because it has been affecting me a lot lately, i started thinking more about it and honestly since i remembered it like over a year ago not one day has gone by in which i dont think about it, its my first thought when i wake up—literally, im pretty sure it’s a subconscious thing because i dont think in the first 2 seconds of me being shook awake I’d willingly remember and think about this purposefully. Either way, lately ive been seeing my abuser less (and when i see him less i start remembering more idk if that makes sense or is a thing) but when i when i sat near him the other day i started sweating pretty badly despite the ac being right on me, i got insanely nauseous and when my cousin touched my shoulder while we sat near him i almost threw up and felt like crawling out of my skin, the touch and him being there all together made me tear up and i had to move. Also since i started remembering more and being affected more by it (for some reason? It comes and goes?) i begun having what i believe would be called nervous tics, and these ONLY happen when im actively having flashbacks or really thinking about it, mostly really bad twitching, shaking and head jerking. Now my questing is could all these be related to my memory? Sure he abused me physically and emotionally too so im not sure which abuse these are a response to but these only happen when im experiencing things and remembering the SA, not the other kinds of abuse…. I hope this wasn’t a mess of a question, thank you

Hello,

So it does make sense that having more access to memories and/or more flashbacks would cause you distress you might not have had before. And even more so when we are more aware of our trauma we can notice more things about our reactions.

Shaking and other physiological reactions can be part of flashbacks, panic attacks and other reactions we experience high arousal from trauma triggers. And when you think heavily about the abuse you can trigger your nervous system into an overstressed space.

It makes sense that having access to the memories would shift memories of abuse, which are often fragmented and can shift in how consciously aware of the situations people are.

Your reaction to being around your abuser is a pretty clear example of being triggered. Feeling physically ill, up to throwing up, is a known response to being triggered.

Remembering and having easier access to memories when no longer consistently in a situation with the abuser can happen and is logical. The dissociative barriers that section off traumatic memories which cause traumatic amnesia can lessen both when re-traumatized and when trauma is less prominent.

It also isn't incredibly important when first starting to manage trauma response to know exactly which trauma certain reactions come from. You can work that out over time.

You're going through extremely hard things, but you are not strange many people have gone through things. And you can recover.

Some articles that might be helpful:

Coping Skills Masterposts: Panic Attacks, Flashbacks & Dissociation

Informational Article: Define Trauma

Symptom Explainers: Flashbacks

Be Blessed,

-Admin 2