#im not putting disclaimers just dont be weird on my notes

[atoriv-art]

skittish

[shigayokagayama]

Uh Oh I Thought About The Music In The Finale Too Hard And It Started Bothering Me Again

ok so aside from one of my favorite scenes in the entirety of mob psycho getting cut from the last episode, a decision which will haunt and torment me until my dying days, my biggest issue with the last episode was always the music and i think ive been able to finally pin down a coherent explanation as to why

disclaimer: i am not a music expert. i was in choir in middle school and i like listening to people who actually know about music talk about music, but this is not a professional opinion so take it with a grain of salt

so first, 99 playing during reigen running towards mob. my problem with this is less the song choice and more that the anime decided to completely change the tone of the entire scene. like, 99 works perfectly for the hype exciting scene they were trying to create! i just dont think this scene should have been hype and exciting. this isn’t a “music is tonally inconsistent” problem so much as a “tone is inconsistent with events unfolding” problem so im not going to put much focus on it.

what IS tonally inconsistent though is the next track that plays after it (timestamped)

this scene is supposed to be not just the reveal that reigen is okay but the reveal that dimple, a character who we’ve spent the last six episode thinking was dead, is alive! and the music they chose is so... sinister??? wouldn’t something more triumphant or energetic fit here??? i get that it has to segway into a really emotional song next so it can’t be too upbeat but wouldnt something like this maybe fit better??? it’s another song associated with dimple possessing someone who isn’t especially powerful to let them achieve something they normally wouldn’t, it’s pretty dramatic, it’s exciting, it has kind of an emotional through line in the back of it with the violins???

the next song is perfect. no notes. the second i heard it in the mob character trailer before season 3 dropped i was like “oh theyre going to use that for reigen’s confession” and i was 100% right. in fact, this song being so perfect for this scene is what makes the next song choice so confusing.

huh? what? why???? on the elementary school level of “well this is labelled mob’s theme and this is mob’s moment of self acceptance so it has to go here” i can maybe understand but it is the most jarring tonal whiplash i have ever felt watching a television show. this is music that we normally here when mob is fighting an enemy, this is supposed to gear us up for conflict. it does not fit the bittersweet catharsis of mob accepting his whole self at all.

ive seen two different edits with different soundtracks i prefer, one with “Passing my heart, I'm getting bigger” (at least im pretty sure thats what its called?  すれ違う心・大きくなったなぁ?) and one with “Mob’s Kindness”. personally, i feel like mob’s kindness would be the best option. for one, one of them already played at an emotionally climactic moment during the final episode last season so it might be a bit weird to do it a second time. second, for when we last heard “mob’s kindness” it actually fits really well with this scene on a couple different levels.

just the title of the song on its own fits with the scene. it’s the first time mob really extends kindness towards himself rather than trying to repress it or smother it in guilt and self loathing. we also have to consider the last place it was used and how that echos this scene. the first time we hear mob’s kindness is in season 2 episode 1, following the line “i made the decision to consider my feelings more”, a line which fits really well with what the “100% shigeo kageyama” moment is trying to get across. “shigeo kageyama” is mob’s repressed power and, more relevantly, his repressed emotions that he’s been bottling up for years now. “mob” flaking apart and forming “shigeo” also kind of visually echos emi’s novel getting ripped apart and brought together again by mob’s power, so that’s another little mirror between these two scenes. mob putting emi’s novel back together is the first time we see him using his powers for another person, not to save them from any sort of threat, but just as an act of simple kindness. it’s the beginning of a realization he has during the mogami arc, these powers arent just a burden, he can use them to help people. and he doesn’t even need to limit it to that, he can just use them to express himself and have fun because they aren’t just tools that can be used, they’re a part of him.

[blkkizzat]

Kali losing her virginity story time when

sis lmfao it's not glamorous... ngl i 18 and i was crossfaded af at a college party and "superman" by eminem was playing.

LMFAO A MESS, ill talk about it but i don't wanna trigger anyone so under the cut. tw sex under the influence; dubcon

i probably wasn't in the right mind frame to consent or anything tbh (so please dont be like me stay safe). well, honestly now that i think about it, i think it was just that last bong hit that had me out of my mind. although i was already naked atp lol so i was down to have sex. but right after that's when i blacked out and when i came to i was literally moaning as ol'boy had a mouth full of my pussy hjdfasdjhfasdjh. i just wanted to lose my v and get it over with so i was happy to go with the flow. (disclaimer: back in the day when i was drinking hard dark liquor and mixed it with weed i would literally black out, but not go unconscious but just lose that time and not know wtf i was doing for the last 20 mins. But people have told me i was talking/acting like normal so idk.bdjhsdfjh but it happened then too. its only happened to me like 3-4 times tbh all when i binge drank heavy in college and smoked a fuckton of weed. so no it wasn't like i was unconscious and he was hooking up with me anyway).

that said, ngl that was some of the best sex i ever had in college. high sex is always great for me tbh and i dont remember it hurting much (but he had also just ate me out for like 45 min) but i think me and ol'boy just had good natural chemistry. he lived on the 3rd floor and my friends on the first floor said they heard me kfjhsdkjshdfkvjhsd.

one awkward asf thing though is the guy did not know i was a virgin and i would have told him if i wasnt so fucked up fjkhrfkdhgkdf.

also just wanna note, im not sad or upset at all. i always gave zero fucks about the construct of virginity (personally, please if you want it to be nice and special that is your preference and nothing is wrong with that). and sidenote thats why other than the one virgin!reader fic i will write (she wont really give af either tho tbh), i dont like writing virgin!reader cause i dont believe in idealizing it.

honestly i just wanted to lose it cause up until that point i was scared to use a tampon and was tired of being in the bloody dirt trenches with pads fhsdfjkhasfjaksh. like it wasnt even about "losing my virginity to a tampon", i was just scared to put it in. but literally got my period a week later and was like "well a dick has been in me" and found the courage to put it in. i was a silly bitch im fully aware LOL!

but i will say, it was this weird thing after where i felt bad for NOT feeling bad. like i had other friends who idealized virginity so much (then were all pikachu face when they found out i didnt want to tell them i had sex), i felt like there was something wrong with me for not thinking it was a big deal. even sometimes now, i wont want to discuss it just because so may people do idolize it its annoying to have to deal with their reactions and reassure them "no i dont feel like i was SA'd, no i dont regret it, yes i actually enjoyed the experience."

however i will say now im in the middle.

these days im alot more selective with who i fuck as personally i subscribe to the ideas of tantra/tantric sex. That while you can have sex without emotions, you can't have it without an energy exchange. sometimes ive felt shitty after one-night stands or liked the friends with bennies for the pleasure in sex but felt off after. i realized that those feelings weren't due to guilt from slut-shaming but the fact that their energy was off and it was now having an effect on me. so rn im DTF 100%—but yo energy gotta be right. and usually i cant tell that just from the bar or first meeting so ive been waiting more.

i rambled again jsdhsdjhbj but oh well.

[fictionfixations]

LMAO ZEN (doesnt it happen for everyones routes though? i havent done like another story yet tho)

anyway before i get into talking about jumin (as the route im on rn) i wanted to wonder

yknow how certain things happen but only on someones route?

like zen has the echo girl thing, idk what yoosung has i forgor but i think jaehee had that one project??? that got her interested in like coffee stuff? jumin has the arranged marriage?? and seven has like. well. the hacker stuff.

but it never gets mentioned on someone elses route ? i dont think? i feel like itd be more cooler if it was all happening at once as like little references (but either something they can handle or cant handle outside of the route. just like maybe a vague mention of trouble to interest the player in that route, while still making sense from like a timeline standpoint???)

like. people doing things but its not because youre the one pushing it towards that. i like that more. and im curious how chaotic itd be

anyway

JUMIN. (disclaimer: I dont like him)

WARNING i start venting in this post. theres only one mention of a triggering thing (which is warned before the actual vent part but i dont want to put here to bring the mood down more cause in all honesty im over it. im just kind of projecting.)

i think ive said before how i can understand the liking of possessive partners

but. okay maybe its just that i dont like jumin as much as the others but. this is kinda way too much. or maybe its that i value my own independence a whole lot or maybe its because i really dont like the thing with his cat (and i LIKE cats. so giving me a character who likes cats and making me not like them??? ahgeiudhf)

like 'dont leave or ill go insane and make your face known everywhere so i can find you again' like the fuck no w h y CAN I LEAVE

I want to leave i dont care if i get the bad ending get me out of here 😭 (actually i think the bad ending mightve been if we encouraged being compared to like his cat and like. was willing to stay forever.)

e w NO like CHILL

maybe. im. being too extreme. and im just too on edge. but like. can you not. i am not your property?? i am not an object??

now LISTEN i understand marking. like like yknow biting and so and so as like a claim over your partner. and now that? thats hot and i like that. but thats ONLY for the bedroom there comes a point where too much of a thing is a bad thing

ALSO we've known each other how many days has it been. eight?? WE've known each other EIGHT days dont be horny bonk

g o o d . this is good.

STOP. dont talk like you know whats best for a person. like its some thing that'll happen, not a what if.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. now if he was being more weird id say go home but hes. OKAY. ish. now. like hes trying. and anyway getting him to not do it takes time. and also this is a game of romance fantasies where creepy shit gets played off as kinky or something. (not a jab towards mysme its just the kind of thing its trying to do which can result in uncomfortable parts if you take off your rose-tinted glasses of wOAH ROmANCE. its expected since ppl think certain things are hot when in reality its kind of very not that great)

…CAN I GO HOME???? like BRUH im not gonna accept you just cause you do so and so

why does this feel like a 'nice guy'. maybe this is my bad because this is making me really want to leave buth gdiuhfuih

trigger warning. i vent. mention of kermit sewer slide but nothing actual.

ive been pushing the 'stay here to help jumin feel more calm' but. i do also need to prioritize my own well being and my well being is not happy here rn 😭 (on a serious note though while its important to be there for your partner, its NOT a good thing to give everything to make sure your partners okay, because y'all are equals and as you help them stand they need to help you stand too or you'll collapse under all that and it really wont be a good time. im telling you its very draining. and why i promote the idea of get your shit together before you get with someone because there comes a point where you can be too dependent on your partner which isnt good for you or for them [and they can feel hesitant to express their feelings because they dont want to hurt you, or hesitant to do anything too stressful because theyre like that support pillar for them, and they dont want to do anything that causes otherwise because they dont want their partner to get hurt. it can also mean they go along with what the other wants even if they dont really want to because they dont want to hurt them. am i projecting? ithink im projecting. cause like. ive been there. and honestly i think it kind of fucked me up cause there was like a power imbalance in that one was significantly more fragile and vulnerable then the other, which made me feel like i should be going along with it because i didnt want them to be hurt when they didnt have anyone else they could rely on but me. [i tried to get them to make more friends cause relying on a single person is very unhealthy but no dice] but that also meant that they didnt respect my boundaries or respect me when i say no and instead just gave off excuses to make me change my mind or made me feel like i had to do what they wanted or theyd deliberately hurt themself. so.. it was a lot. anyway it really fucked me up cause i felt like i was in the wrong for not going along with it. blah blah blah. we split. i genuinely have no idea if it was true or not but they'd started saying things to make me feel bad and just not a fun time at all. they were probably in a really dark time in their life but im gonna be honest. i dont know in what scenario its okay to go 'im gonna kermit sewer slide if you dont [blah blah blah]'. so yknow. and this is not really the same but it still feels the same in walking all over boundaries and lines and is especially why i do not like this character a bit. yay trauma.])

i might actually get a bad ending because i. really dont like this.

[x1702x]

SOTE spoilers below, discourse too, not using my textpost tag for this, lowk my opinion so be mindful

Am I the only one who thinks that after Mohg got his allegations lifted some Mohgmiq shippers/Mohglester advocaters felt?? dissappointed?? that it isnt yk, Mohg being predatory n Miquella being a victim??

Or like anything related to Mohg "kidnapping" and the cocoon isnt like some weird super poetical/complex sexual allusion stuff?? they've been so quiet?

Ive been trying to avoid SOTE discourse for fear of spoilers but mutuals n friends told me abt what did happen at the end with Mohg and Miquella, to my relief. I've been so advocate against Mohg's allegations being true and the shipping those two oddly got going on. (Little rant below)

Im going to be frank, I do not hate media not being dark and grim at times, but what i do dislike is those darker topics becoming a freeway for SOME/THOSE people to start condoning/shipping (Disclaimer: Im not against non healthy dynamics in media, those can exist if they are represented respectfully, its more just against people seeing it as okay to ROMANTICIZE/BLORBOIFY) those topics as just your average pair or using it as a quirky romantic dynamic. (Ex: cough cough Coleen Hoover books cough cough anything romance directed nowadays cough cough YA books cough cough gothic romance novels cough cough)

Miquella undeniably manipulated Mohg and suddenly its an eyeopener and Oh Nooooo! the ugly and scary character is NOT a predator and suddenly the power dynamic is shifted! Not fun anymore! It kinda feels this way which? It doesnt change anything its the same dynamic.

I dont know why but to me theres something holding some back because the blame is shifted and Mohg is a victim instead of Miquella, call me crazy??

I rlly dont know how to feel 😭😭? But ive seen less and less. Everything has been quiet other than Mohg fans finally cheering onto the fact they are not looked down upon anymore in one way or another.

These r my two little cents onto this part i am literally putting myself in fire w this lowk scared of whatever might go on in the notes

[kookblurx]

1920 - jjk [ chpt 3. ]

→ SUMMARY: a photo of a beautiful smiling boy; an old tree in your grandparents garden ... and a feeling of sadness. all those things are connected to each other ...

→ GENRE: time travel au; changing fate au; rencarnation au; university au; death; sickness; historical setting; trigger topics; smut; dirty talk; switching between present and the past.

→ chapter 2 / chapt. 4

→ RATING: 18+

→ NOTE: thank you for blowing up the first chapter with so many reblogs and welcome to all new followers. also if there are any creative people among us, feel free to design a header for this story. i will try to include every pic in the next chapters + linking your account. ( no must! ). Also please enjoy the second chapter <3 DISCLAIMER; this is a piece of art, not many events will be historically correctly.

BTS MASTERLIST ♡.°₊ˎˊ PLAYLIST FOR THIS CHAPTER

The Present:

as you ran back into the mansion you neary stumbled over one of the cats who frequently visit this place.

"sorry little one" you spitted out breathless before you climbed up the stairs.

you needed to get to your laptop before your grandparents noticed that you are back inside again. this might be your vacation but your grandma loved to give you tasks whenever she saw you around. inside your room you immediately locked the door behind you; something which was unacceptable in this house but now you didnt cared. with shaking hands you started the black notebook on your bed. it wasnt the newest one but it was doing its job during university. to your displeasure it took ages for it to boot up, at least you had some time to change into a set of clean clothes. as you got back to the laptop it was finally up and ready to go. the first thing you googled was " the berserker" plus the year he lived in. of course there were a few matches to the search but none of it was a reliable source. the most things which came up were forums where people shared the rumours and myths from back then. here and there jungkook's name popped up, followed by people asking who he was. one of those bloggers seemed kinda hurt about the lack of knowledge those people had. maybe he was the key to this mystery. you clicked on his username, determined to sent this "chimchim" person an email. your email was short, its content were a simple sentence:

"i know who jungkook was. could you please answer me some questions?"

while you waited for an answer you got back to google. there you putted jungkook's full name in and voila, a lot of sources popped up. even history blogs same as newsletters wrote about him. none of them metioned that he was a war hero. something was off for sure. none of those articles mentioned what had happened to him, only that he "allegedly died in 1920. not how or why he died on that specific spot. at the same time someone added you in the chatrooms which were open on your laptop. taking a quick glance presented you the username "chimchim" on the screen. hesitant if you should answer him right away you clicked on the log in button.

chimchim:hey, just saw your email. what do you wanna know? blueberry: this mind sound weird. but i found this pic in my grandparents mansion [ inserts the pic ]. i found out its about a .. jungkook guy. chimchim: holy crap. do you realize how much this pic is worth it?! blueberry: i dont care. you seem to know a lot about him so .. can you answer me so questions? chimchim: fine, what do you wanna know? blueberry: why does none of the newssites ever mention that he was a war hero? chimchim: shit, you know about that? i only heard some rumours. probably has something to do with his family. they took it down that they had a famous ancestor. blueberry: but why? chimchim: i dont know. im sure they are hiding something. blueberry: hiding something? why would someone want to hide such a accomplishement? chimchim: exactly. blueberry: you .. dont happen to know how he died or what happened to him? chimchim: there are rumours but no one is certain about that. blueberry: what are those rumours? chimchim: the one that keeps popping up is that he got betrayed by his own people. no one knows if it was his lover, best friend or his own parents. but he didnt died because of a war. blueberry: betrayed you say ... chimchim: hey, if your grandparents had this pic, they surely have more infos in their house. i need to go. i will try to dig up some more. bye!

with those words chimchim logged off. maybe he was right, there must be something in your grandparents library .. but before you went there again you got back to google. chimchim mentioned a lover, there must be something about her on the internet. after 10 minuted you finally found another blog full of history nerds who talked about her.

"lets see ..."

you clicked on the "more" button on one of the blog entries. apperently the berserk was in love with a commoner, a normal girl from another village. but as everything else in his life, this was just another rumour. no one exactly knew who she was or where she came from. the only certain thing everyone knew that she popped up out of nowhere. weird, how can someone appear out of nowhere? as you read more of the blog the whole situation became weirder and weirder. the girl seemed to dissapear here and there and didnt came back for days. as you wanted to give up, a comment catched your attention. someone wrote about her name, her alleged name. you read through the whole comment but as soon as you reached the part with her name, your vision became blurry. frantically you rubbed your eyes with both hands but it didnt helped. suddenly the screen turned brighter, so bright that it hurted your eyes. you closed your eyes shut, hoping it would stop. thats something your laptop never did before; as you reached out your hand to press the buttons, your fingertips touched the soft fabric of the bedsheets. were you going insane? your laptop was right there.

slowly you opened your eyes, first you didnt noticed any major chances but then ... as soon as your eyes fully adjusted to the change of light, you nearly fell down from the bed. this wasnt your bedroom.

The Past:

"not again ..."

thanks to the furniture it didnt took you long to realize where you were right now. somehow you travelled back in time, again. suddenly you remebered the words of the fairy about trigger points and places. a sigh escaped your mouth, so you really managed to trigger another puzzle piece of the past. something which includes the name of the mysterious lady in jungkook's life. leaning back on your hands, the fingertips of your left hands bumped into something. your whole body froze. this cant be right? slowly you turned your head to the side. underneath the red fabric of the blanket .. there was someone, breathing. peacfully asleep as it seemed. from here you couldnt see who it was and you didnt cared first. slowly you scooted away from the warm body as slowly as you could. at the same time your right hand slipped, sending you flying onto the ground.

your ellbow hit the hard wodden floor, making you whine in pain. were floors always this hard in the past? you bit down on your bottom lip while holding your ellbow, making sure to not make another sound. the person underneath the blanket started to shift more as a grunt was heard. you were so busy tending to your hurting ellbow that you didnt noticed how the person sat up on the bed. it really hurted like hell as you prayed that you didnt broke it.

"... oh -... oh my god are you okay?!"

with a painful expression you finally looked up to the bed. there he was, shirtless. jeon jungkook. instead of getting mad and screaming at you, he threw the blanket away. as he did that before getting down from the bed, your face turned into a tomato. he wasnt only shirtless, he was completely naked.

"w-wait! stop!" with your other hand you started to cover your face. "but .. you hurted yourself! let me see your ellbow" jungkook on the other hand seemed totally unfazed by the fact that he was naked.

out of nowhere your heart started to race as you still covered your eyes. this was too embarrassing. you knew how a naked men looked like, of course you do. you are not a child anymore but this man was a total stranger. someone you only saw once. on top of that, realistically speaking, he was already dead in your timeline. shutting your eyes close, you reached out with your hand. pressing against his chest to keep him away from you.

"dont be like that! let me see if its broken!" jungkook complained while trying to press forward. "c-can you please, for god's sake, wear some clothes!"

jungkook stopped in his movements as he finally saw how red your face was. a sigh escaped his lips, the next thing you heard were his footsteps. another noise you couldnt assign to an item inside the room. then again, he was right in front of you, this time you opened your eyes slowly, only to be met with his bare chest. at least he was wearing some pants now.

"can i see it now?" his voice grew more impatient, so you just nodded holding your ellbow into his direction.

jungkooks fingertips were soft on your skin as he looked at your ellbow. by now it had turned slightly red but the pain was still prominent. this changed as you finally looked into jungkook's face. the last time you got here you werent able to see it so close in front of you. he might be a war hero but his facial expressions were kinda soft; an indication that he didnt got corrupted by all the wars he went to. on his cheek was a scar, kinda deep somehow it suited him. his dark lock fell into his face, framing it oh so gently. the first urge which befell you was to touch it. to run your fingers through it while he tended to your ellbow. your eyes travalled further down to his chest. it was defined but not too muscular, further down you could see a hint of a sixpack. at the same time you really hoped he didnt heard your loud gulp as you saw how his biceps kept flexing while examining ellbow.

"seems fine to me ... maybe we should bring you over to one of the doctors just to be - ..." jungkook lifted his head were he noticed how close you two were to each other.

you kept looking into his eyes and suddenly your heart nearly jumped out of your chest. bubbles of happieness rised up inside of your stomach as at the same time your hands became sweaty. what was this feeling? even jungkook seemed to be distracted by something as he kept staring at you. the grip on your ellbow grew more tightly, normally it would hurt but you didnt felt it. you only felt his soft fingertips on your hot skin. time suddenly stopped existing around the two of you as jungkook leaned in more closely. for the first time you noticed his scent. he smelled like soap, like the woods after a rain fall and like lavender in the morning.

"i ... thank you, really" your mouth felt dry as you finally spoke up. jungkook on the other hand didnt spoke a word, he only nodded in response. "you can ... let go if me now" at the same time your heart told you that he shouldnt.

to your suprise he actually did let go, stood up and turned his back towards you. god, even his back was muscular with his broad shoulders. why does such guys doesnt exist in your timeline? your legs were a bit shaky as you stood up, watching him as he putted on a white shirt from the closet. it fitted him perfectly and flattered his muscles in every way. jungkook's waist was so small and thin, it would be so easy to wrap your arms around it. the moment you took a step forward the door sprung open. a breathless jimin was seen

"jungkook, its serious. we need your help!"

jimin completely ignored your presence as jungkook walked past you "what is it" "t-the ironbloods, they are attacking the village again!" "... alright, go and grab my sword. we will set out immediately" for a short second jungkook looked over his shoulder into your direction.

this wasnt good. maybe he was killed there? you needed to stop him. immediately you strechted out your hand, stumbling forward.

"wait! y-you cant-!"

the door closed and at the same time your hand went right through it. your whole body straight went through the door before crashing onto your bedroom floor. the pain in your head was unbearable as you tried to sit up. both of your hands formed into fists.

"why now?! how can i save him like this?! why did you brought me back now!" you screamed into your empty room, hoping your fairy would answer you. there was nothing, nothing but silence.

taglist:

@junecat18 @hellbornsworld

[lxmiko]

Can i have a matchup plz 🥺👉🏾👈🏾

Gender: cis female

Pronouns: she/her

Sexuality: heterosexual ally

Zodiac: Capricorn

Appearance: 5’2 African American hourglass body type black curly wavy hair blackish brown eyes chubby cheeks wears glasses when necessary (driving or class i should wear them all the time only just started needing glasses im still getting used to wearing them)

Mbti: infj

Enneagram: 2w1

Personality: kind smart funny motherly responsible empathetic anxious emotional moody perfectionist helpful people pleaser caring compassionate nerdy curious protective polite respectful indecisive fearful nervous introvert shy awkward clumsy low self esteem low confidence sassy sarcastic soft spoken

Likes: animals books reading writing fantasy magic sci fi anime music video games friends alone time learning personality quizzes sweets and bread helping being a part of something bigger than myself

Dislikes: spiders loud sounds people who harm others people who dont take others into consideration people i care about not caring for themselves not being listened to weird holes and patterns math and tests

Extra: i pace a lot i sing when im alone i talk to myself im a picky eater i have internalized identity crisis sometimes and i feel bad for fearing spiders (they’re just tryna live their best and not bothering anyone life but they’re so scary to me 😭)

Thank you good luck in school btw and dnt rush yourself or put too much pressure on yourself in school or writing ok you come first and im sure you’ll do great in both :) <3

matchup!!

—

note: this was due a long time ago as well as everything in my inbox but i will get to it i swear >:c

disclaimer: this is solely my opinion of which character i believe suits you the most based on the description you wrote!! sorry if it isn't who you thought it'd be ;;

matchup under the cut!

—

i match you with… ike eveland!!!

you two share a lot of interests! like reading, writing, anime, and singing :o

he would find your singing cute, and wouldn’t hesitate to join you in your song c:

and if you're shy about it, he's the kind of guy who'd smile endearing from behind the door as you're singing on the other side c:

ike too is very considerate of others, and because of your similarities, he’d probably try to “out-mother” you, just because he feels you deserve more care than he does

he definitely encourages and advocates for you to care more for yourself than others (even if he doesn't follow the same advice :c). put yourself first, he preaches!!!!

ike is the resident intellect of luxiem and im sure he would appreciate having another person who’d understand him ajd his struggles with the rest of luxiem’s trolling 😞

even if you two share the same anxieties and insecurities, he would always step up for you, and support you when you want to take the first step in anything c:

if you were up for it, he’d ask to have anime nights, where you two would settle on the couch and watch whichever anime piqued your interests

he would also want to read books together, whether it’d be one person reads it first and annotates it for the other, or the two of you have your separate copies and discuss it the next time you see each other

ike is also an introvert, and probably spends his own time producing and recording music, but he doesn’t mind the company of you sitting in his room with him while you both so your separate things

ike understands your thoughts on your fears, specifically spiders. the second he sees one in the house, it’s in a cup and brought outside, without you even knowing

and even if you do find out, he'll in mama mode right away, calming you down the best he can and keeping the bug out of sight as much as possible c:

—

[lilac-set]

I just reblogged a post talking about how important it is to respect the boundaries of minors on tumblr especially regarding sexual content. And yes thats absolutely true, and im not trying to say theres ANY excuse for not doing that, but i wanna say -

“Dont be weird” doesnt communicate ANYTHING useful to whoever might be reading it. If i saw a blog say “dont be weird”, if i didnt just immediately block them for some reason, i would think theyre saying dont be neurodivergent, dont be queer. It would never, EVER occur to me theyre saying not to be suggestive especially in a straight and vanilla way. Not everything nsfw is weird. Only things non-normative are weird. If you say “im a minor, dont be weird!” Im obviously not gonna sexualize you (because of the “minor” part) but it would never occur to me not to be mildly horny in the notes about the character youre posting about. I need you to be clear about “dont put anything suggestive in the notes” if thats what you mean, cuz its not obvious. It just sounds like you hate non-normative people, in like a political way rather a personal comfort way

Disclaimer: by “i need -“ i mean obviously you can do whatever you want with your blog, if you dont want to state what youre uncomfortable with in a clear way and just want to block people you dont wanna be around, thats completely fine, genuinely, lots of us on tumblr take that approach. Its just that i dont think its reasonable to say its the fault of people you’re choosing to block for breaking completely unstated expectations

This isnt a rebuttal to the post that inspired it, that was a good post, its just that it brought to my attention that some people are using the word “weird” in ways i had never imagined, and that fact made me angry

One more thing. “Weird” is derogatory. It can be reclaimed, but dont call other people or behaviors “weird” unless you genuinely dont like them. If you say sex is weird, that means youre sex negative. (Not sex repulsed, sex negative). You can be a minor who doesnt want sexual interaction, you can be sex repulsed, and not be sex negative. Again, now that ive read the previous post i dont think thats necessarily intentional. But thats how it comes across

[cantdanceflynn]

OBVIOUS NOTE OF "GUYS I HAVE THE MEDIA LITERACY NEEDED TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS AND ISNT A PIECE OF MEDIA ADVOCATING FOR A BAD THING AND I KNOW WHAT BAD WRITING AND PACING IS" BUT LIKE. *JAZZ HANDS* THIS IS GONNA BE ON MY OWN TIME AND SHIT N READ THE REST OF THE POST AND BLOCK ME IF NEED BE BUT IM GONNA BE AT SOME POINT WATCHING THE H*LLAVERSE AND D*MP(CENSORED TO LEAVE THIS OUT OF SEARCHES SORRY)

ALSO IM MAKING THIS CLEAR BC IK IVE BEEN VAGUE ABOUT IT BEFORE AND I DONT WANT ANY EXTRA HARASSMENT OR FOR ANYONE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH IT TO TAKE ISSUES. UH BC IVE BEEN ON THE FENCE BOUT IT IM JUST MAKING THE CHOICE NOW. NO MORE DOUBLE GUESSING STUFF I WANT TO WATCH FEHFBSFBSSFB IF ITS BAD ITS BAD AND ILL PIRATE IT ANYWAYS AND IF IT DOESNT DESERVE ANY ATTENTION IT SURE AS HELL WONT GET IT FROM ME BUT I FIGURE THIS IS JUST. A BETTER CHOICE FOR ME TO STOP GUILTING MYSELF WHICH HAS JUST BEEN A HORRIBLE THING WHENEVER I SEE ANYTHING I WANT TO AT LEAST CHECK OUT AND IM SICK AND TIRED OF PUTTING SOME PEOPLE IVE TALKED TO TWICE OVER MY OWN HEALTH IN THE WEIRD ASS GUILT TRAUMA SPIRALS I KEEP FORCING MYSELF INTO

SO THIS IS PROBABLY THE ONLY POST ON THIS TOPIC IM MAKING BC IVE BEEN SO BACK AND FORTH BETWEEN "MAN THIS IS GREAT FOR ME" AND "OH GOD THE TRAUMA" LOL

BASICALLY THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING AND MAYBE THISLL BE LIKE THE HORROR THING WHERE I RLY LIKE IT AND I TRY TO HOLD BACK BOUT IT BUT END UP OBSESSED BUT MORE LIKELY THAN NOT THIS IS JUST GONNA BE A HEADSUP FOR ANYONE UNCOMFORTABLE W LIKE THE TWO BIGGEST TARGETS FOR "IRREDEEMABLE MEDIA" BC ITS LIKE. VERY FAIR TO BE UNCOMFORTABLE W EM AND I DONT BLAME U AT ALL SO I WANT TO MAKE SURE UR WARNED

REPETITIVE POST IK AND IF YOU ARE LIKE. MY FRIEND FRIEND AND YOU DONT WANT ME TO LET ME KNOW AND IF I RB ANYTHING IT WILL BE TAGGED AND EVERY SINGLE DISCLAIMER I JUST. WANT TO MAKE SURE PEOPLE KNOW AND IM CLEAR ABOUT THIS FOR EVERYONES SAFETY, EVEN IF ITS SOMETHING SMALL LIKE THIS. MY APOLOGIES AGAIN, SERIOUSLY IF YOU ARE LIKE. A FRIEND FRIEND I WILL TAKE UR OPINION ON THIS DW

[xamaxenta]

I just need you to know that your existence is good for my mental health. Thank you for being authentically you. Thank you for posting the "ultra bonkers shit." Whenever you warn your followers about the rest of the contents of a post, it's usually followed by the kind of things I want to see most.

I was feeling ashamed of myself and my place in fandom, because of my "weird interests" that "no one wants to see" and was fighting back against it and had a bunch of normal arguments like they tell you to make in therapy and then had the thought about the fact that my favorite tag of yours is the one for the stuff you consider most taboo. My own most taboo writing has the most hits of any of my stuff on AO3.

This shit is the backbone of fandom. If I want to read your words, even when you say they are ultra bonkers, someone wants to read mine. Shame has no place here. Thank you for being a good example of that.

This is legitimately one of the kindest things anyone has ever said about me and my online presence

Thank you to you too for being authentic to yourself anon

I get it, its hard to go balls to the walls about certain content because in the year 2k23 people —overgeneralisation here and i am not singling out/targeting any age group except maybe minors who should be very careful about the content and things they consume online that may or may not be tagged (hopefully they are, sincerely tumblr remains the best social media platform for this that ive been on that has such an extensive personalised tagging system) — uh back to year 2023 and people find faults in ALOT of things and disregard the tags

I find it unfortunate that authors on AO3 get the brunt of this a ton like ayo the tags? Exist? I know we dont like thesis length tagging but they are there for a reason I think its silly authors have to put additional disclaimers in the summary/chapter notes for extra coverage just in case someone doesn’t properly process their tags, a silly necessity

At first before i started the “xam screams about (ultra) bonkers stuff” tags i was also a little ashamed and definitely nervous like will people like this? Im not entirely sure so I will do my damn best to prevent upsetting anyone, but I cant cater to everyone who decides to follow me (thank you btw why but im grateful) and the exploration of taboo topics makes me happy if that makes sense

Does liking and wanting to discuss/explore/create content around subjects like this make me or you a bad person, no because content creation esp fan content is self indulgence, fanfiction and fanart of a prexisting piece of media is self indulgence and hedonism at its finest

Its why we even have arts and entertainment culture in the first place and should you so desire to attach your heart to a special little blorbo of your choosing, a lovely precious (pathetic) meowmeow if you will, then its not uncommon to want to put them through the wringer, why idk probably psychological reasoning jargon needs to be here but i just woke up and I can’t explain this part very well bc this is a personal experience im speaking from

This got really long but I agree with all your points, angst tropes that lead into dead dove trope etc are the backbone of fandom whether you like it or not, theyre just as present as fluff and everybody lives aus its just how it is

We’re all pretty similar when it comes to enjoying the same fandom spaces, people just dont wanna admit it haha

[starblaster]

im sorry if anyone has been a weirdo to you for having a dni, i dont understand why people think its "cringe" to want to curate their online experience. if they dont like it dont follow people with DNIs. i really hope my byf deters ppl like that from following honestly

nobody's been overtly weird about it, there's just a post that went around the last couple of days that was unfortunately reblogged by some people who have been mutuals of mine for a year or more, so i've softblocked them. it's just disappointing.

and it baffles me because like, ok so Yes to curating your online experience but No to... making a little 'hey if you're into this stuff please don't interact with my posts' section of a personal carrd site? to be clear, you're against a disclaimer? like, it just feels very contradictory.

it's one thing to tell people "hey maybe don't put identifying information or lists of your triggers in your carrd" but it's another to be like "haha, you actually think if you say 'fascists dni' they'll actually be civil and block you?" because, well... no? most of us know better.

the point-and-laugh crowd fails to recognize the second reason why people list that kind of criteria and it's to reassure prospective followers what their stances are on certain kinds of community drama, which can range from frivolous to serious. obviously people can say one thing and do another (like claiming they're against aphobia while posting incredibly aphobic content semi-regularly), and no it's not like some kind of contract. but making connections on this site is made a little easier when that sort of thing is displayed. i'm much more likely to block and avoid someone if they have zero info on their blog. in my experience, those are the people in my notes who have turned out to be cryptoterfs. and i'd rather be over-cautious than under-cautious.

also stimboard and gif makers who put banners on their posts don't give a shit if people think their posts are ugly, they're kind of supposed to be noticed. if someone takes offense to them, they don't want those people putting their gifs on their blog. simple concept. posts escape containment waaay less often when you put those banners on your content. they'll keep doing it regardless of how much people mock it. the fact that it makes people less likely to reblog their posts is uhm... kind of the point? lmao...

[minnies-duo]

DISCLAIMER!! This review was written for @k-fic-collection as this was our very first sfw monthly read!!

omg i enjoyed this way too much for the emotional rollercoaster you put me on. i absolutely adored this one, and the development was just chefs kiss.

check the undercut for my live notes and thoughts well reading<3

notes:

he's so cute throwing the shirt and just the beats before he turns around. (again not that you're looking) BRO WHAT DO YOU MEAN!! IM LOOKING!! HARD!!! STARING EVEN!!! bro...you did not just grab my hand and say that were together....MY BROTHER IN CHRIST I JUST LEARNED YOUR NAME 10 SECONDS AGO!!!

great set up though, doesn't feel forced and makes total sense in that split second reaction. He's so weird just turning on his hazards ITS SUCH A JEONGHAN MOVE THOUGH HOW DO YOU GET HIS CHARACTER TRAITS SO PERFECT??? Thats not fair...i cant say no to a man with brown eyes, whatever you say princess. omg my heart fucking fluttered as they were taking steps back in the frat party...the tiny steps as you back up, until he looks down 'hey can i kiss you now?' IM DYING I NEED THIS !!!

the kiss.....that kiss.....my knees knocked together, i fell to the ground sobbing cause thats never happened before. OMG SHUA DONT DONT ASK IF HE DIDNT BRING IT UP!!! IDK WHAT TIMS IS I THOUGHT YOU MEANT THE CANADIAN COFFEE SHOP!!! "Your school won. Jeonghan won." BROTHER I WON!! HE'S SUCH A CUTIE PIE

oh no don't say hoshi and a karaoke machine together :0! "You make me nervous" OMG??????? out of left field im giggling kicking my feet. "first fight of the relationship" you don't understand how much this is making me soft but also making me laugh?? like these one liners from drunk jeonghan are hitting in comedy and matching his personality. that mf and those mfing matching necklaces.

IM LOSING MY MIND DONT SAY THAT I AM LITERALLY A FILM MAJOR WITH BUSINESS SPECIALITY!!!! No babe nooo!! don't doubt him, he aint lying!! this isn't for the fake dating!! its real!!!! nooo please!!! TT "I always have fun with you"...im gonna fucking sob.

Im actually holding back tears...that countdown..how could you? my heart. omg. my heart dropped when hoshi was mentioned. "And you’re terrified of the creeping thought that you never really did." No my breath actually caught in my throat reading that. AUTHOR DO YOU NOT CARE FOR MY EMOTIONS???? WDYM HE'S STRUGGLIGN AND SNAPPING AT PRACTICE AND NEEDS ME??? WDYM SCOUPS SAW HIM TEARING UP ON THE BENCH????? i cant do this omg :(

US, READER, ME!!! PLEASE!!! HE'S SO DOWN BAD (so am i too)!!!!

"This is it. I'm saying no." IM HOLDING BACK SOBS "I always knew you didn't need me." DONT SAY THAT I SWEAR TO FUCK

why why in the good god WHY did you get OUT of the car HES DRIVING AWAY WHAT

"I thought I was going to lose you." I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE MY HEART IM ACTUALLY TEARING UP OMG.

im not okay. i loved that so much.

young & stupid

yoon jeonghan x reader (gender neutral)

you think yoon jeonghan is crazy when he asks if you'll pretend to date him, but luckily for him you're just young and dumb enough to agree.

genre: university + fake dating au word count: 14k warnings: alcohol, profanity, some explicit content, mentions of sex, and a very american writer who says soccer instead of football a/n: posted an unfinished version of this like 4 years ago and randomly decided one day a couple weeks ago to finish it. this is the most indulgent fic i have ever written. pls enjoy my birthday gift to myself lolol

Music bursts from every corner of the run-down frat house, chasing after you no matter where you run to escape it. Bodies endlessly spill in from the patio and front entrance, a never ending revolving door of college kids just like yourself looking for some kind of release after a long week of… well, college. But unlike most times you’ve paid a visit to Soonyoung’s frat house on a Friday night, tonight you’ve already decided that you are not going to be having fun at this party.

Soonyoung begged you to come, bribing your appearance with a promise to study with you for the next math quiz. Of course the first thing he does after walking into the house with you is ditch you. But even that, you deal with. You find some friends among the crowd, acquaint yourself with some beer, and almost start to have fun egging on a brewing dance battle. But all that ends the second you turn a corner too fast and are met with a full cup of bright red jungle juice all over your white shirt.

So now, upstairs in a bathroom Soonyoung let you in to, desperately trying to wash out the stains, you make a stubborn decision to not make another appearance at a frat party for the rest of the semester which you’re positive you’ll break by the time midterms are up.

But for now, helplessly staring at your reflection in the dirty mirror, you arrive to the conclusion that this damn jungle juice stain is not coming out. You exit the bathroom into the adjoining room and start grabbing your stuff to walk home.

“Who the fuck are you?” You jump at the voice that’s joined you in the room. You hadn’t even noticed anyone entering. You stare at the figure, mouth open. “How’d you get into my room?”

“Oh my gosh, so sorry,” you apologize in a hurried voice, packing your things up impossibly faster. “Soonyoung let me in. It was just supposed to be a quick thing–Wait no, that makes it sound like we were hooking up. Which we definitely were not. I can promise you that much, lol, not Soonyoung. But no, I just needed the bathroom. Cause this dude and his jungle juice, and…” you look down at your shirt. “Anyways, I was about to go home. I didn’t even–”

“Okay, wait, slow down.” The guy cuts you off. “You know Soonyoung.”

You nod. “Uh, yeah, we’re friends.”

He steps closer, narrowing his eyes at you, and for a moment you think the guy looks a little bit familiar. “And you’re not a stalker?”

This time you squint, jutting your head forward. “A stalker?” He stares at you unwavering. You scoff. “Um. No. Of course not.”

“Oh, okay, good.” He exhales, his previous demeanor falling entirely. “Well, in that case, let me help.” He walks towards one of the dressers, pulling the drawer open to rummage through it.

“No. That’s okay. You don’t have to–”

“Let me. Plus,” he gestures towards the general direction of your shirt without looking up from the drawer, “that can’t be comfortable. And it definitely isn’t flattering.”

You’re too stunned to say anything back. You’re not sure how you’d respond anyways to what you think counts as an insult from the dude who’s also helping you. You study him instead. You’ve definitely seen him around before, but you’re not entirely sure where or when because you probably would’ve remembered someone as attractive as him. He’s tall, soft-faced with longer hair that cuts off right under his ears, and damn is he attractive. In an obvious—in your face, weak in the knees, god this man is beautiful—kind of way. Not that you notice.

“Here.” He throws a tshirt your way, and you catch it between your arms. You both stare at each for a long moment, until he jumps on his heels a little as if he’s suddenly remembered something. “My bad, I’ll turn around.”

You stare unamused at his backside. He really doesn’t think you’re going to change with him in the room does he?

And almost as if he’s reading your mind, he says: “Don’t worry, I won’t peek.” He looks over his shoulder with a crooked, mischievous smile. “I mean unless you want me to.” Your stomach throws itself out the window.

You scoff. “I’ll just change in the bathroom.” You fully expect the guy to be gone by the time you exit the bathroom, but instead he’s still there, sitting at the edge of the bed on his phone.

You clear your throat. “Thanks for the shirt.”

“Oh, yeah,” he looks up from his phone and takes you in. You swear his mouth twitches into a half smile. “It’s no big deal.

You let out an awkward half laugh, half sigh. “So, I’ll get this shirt back to you somehow. Thanks again.”

He nods, still staring at the air around your body with that sickeningly charming half smile. You turn for the door.

“Wait!” You pause, facing the boy again who is now standing up, arm stretched out towards you. He drops it at once like it was never supposed to be there. “Are you going back to the party?”

You actually laugh at that. “God, no. I’m going home.”

“Oh.” He tilts his head, and then opens and closes his mouth as if the words keep getting lost in the back of his throat. You try not to think too hard about how endearing the action is. “I can give you a ride if you want.”

You shake your head quickly. “No, that’s alright. I don’t live that far.” You live on the opposite side of campus.

He grabs a set of keys off his desk. “Let me. I wanna get out of this party too. But sadly,” he motions to the room you’re both standing in, then leans towards you a little, “I live here.”

And you know you should refuse. You know there is nothing sensical about letting this stranger, whose name you don’t even know, take you home. But there’s something about his smile and the tufts of hair falling over his forehead, something about the way he gave you his shirt that makes you say yes against your better judgment.

It turns out, leaving the party with the mysteriously nice guy, who’s conveniently hot (again, not that you’re looking), is much harder than it looks. The only plus side to getting bombarded with people wanting to talk to him, is that you learn his name: Jeonghan. And it hits you then, of course you’ve seen him around before. Well, maybe not him, but you’ve definitely seen his picture. His face is plastered over all of the university’s promotional material. Half the school has a crush on Jeonghan, the star soccer player. Unfortunately for you and your apparently impossible wish to go home, it also appears that half the school is at this party and fueled with liquid confidence.

“Hey Jeonghan,” one person in particular slurs, appearing in front of you and him magically. Yeah, you think, if I were him I’d want to get out of this party too. Then as if the stranger has come to their senses, they jump back and clasp their hands over their mouth. A blush paints itself all over their face. “So sorry. I must’ve tripped or something…” they laugh awkwardly. Jeonghan does too. You look over at him and find that he looks incredibly uncomfortable.

“It’s fine,” he tells them, holding his hands up, “I gotta go. See you around though.” And Jeonghan’s turning on his heel ready to dash for the door.

“Wait a second!” The person calls, grabbing Jeonghan’s arm before he can slip out of the house. He turns back around begrudgingly. “I was uh I was sort of wondering if you’d like to maybe go out or something—“

You watch them ask out Jeonghan on a date, and well, it’s sort of cute. The stranger clearly harbors a massive crush on Jeonghan. They’re not being rude or pushy, and honestly, even after accounting for the alcohol, they’re more confident and bold than you’d be. You find yourself wanting to congratulate them. But then, with another look at Jeonghan’s face, you feel a burst of pity. You know that look. Jeonghan is going to turn them down.

“I, uh, I’m really flattered but I…” Jeonghan stutters through his words, shooting you a glance asking for help. You just shrug. Suddenly his smirk reappears. He grabs your hand, pulling you to his slide and lifting your joined hands up like a trophy. “I’m actually with them.”

Your teeth clench immediately to keep your mouth from falling open. You stare at Jeonghan, eyes screaming.

“Oh sorry,” the person looks between the two of you, “I didn’t know.”

You stare at Jeonghan, waiting for him to say something and failing to find any words for yourself. But instead of continuing his lie verbally, he decides to act it out even further, bringing your hands up to his lips and pressing the faintest kiss to your knuckle.

That fucker.

“Yeah,” you sigh, grasping at straws for something to say that sounds convincing with your one free hand. “It’s new.” You squeeze Jeonghan’s hand hard enough to know it has to have hurt and promptly drag him out of the house.

Once you’re in his car, safe from all his suitors. You round on him. “You couldn’t have just said no?”

“That was their third time asking me out.”

“And?”

“Turning down people is hard.” He whines, pushing the keys in the car and starting the ignition. “It was just easier to say we’re dating. Plus, you’re in my shirt so it already looks like we just had sex.”

“Or,” you gasp, exasperated, “it looks like I got jungle juice on my shirt, and you just gave me one to wear!”

He gives you a look. “Now, who would believe that?”

You have the sudden desire to dissolve into the seat.

“Anyways,” he says, putting the car in reverse, “where to?”

“East campus. The Austin Complex.”

He makes a triumphant noise while stopping at a red light. “It appears I’m not the only one that’s been telling lies tonight. Not that far you said.”

You gape at him. “My lie is not comparable to yours.”

“Actually I think it is.” He taps a finger to his chin. “In fact, I think it even makes us equal.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

He holds out his pinky as a peace offering. “I’m not moving until you agree.”

“Jeonghan, the light’s green.”

He glances at the green traffic light and proceeds to turn his hazards on in the middle of the fucking road all while keeping his pinky in the exact same spot.

“Are you crazy?”

“Most people don’t think so.”

“People will honk.”

“It’s 1 am.”

You say his name. He says yours. The light turns yellow, and you feel a rush of warmth.

“Fine.” You huff, joining your pinky with his. “We’re equal.”

He passes the light just as it turns red.

—

You haven’t seen Jeonghan since the entire incident. In truth, you’ve been so busy studying for your math quiz with Soonyoung that you almost hadn’t even thought about that night again. Emphasis on almost. However, when you get your score back the following week, the hours you spent studying appear to have been wasted. You slump into a bench outside the lecture hall, holding another barely passing grade to your chest.

And in the midst of your public wallowing, you feel a flick to your forehead.

You yelp and snap your eyes open to Jeonghan who stands before you snickering. “What was that for?”

“Payback.”

You say holding out your pinky as a reminder. “I thought we were even.” He shrugs, sporting a smirk that makes your stomach churn. It should be illegal for someone to look that good with a smirk.

“Excuse me?”

Fuck. Did you say that outloud?

“Nothing.” You quickly mutter, shaking your head. He invites himself to sit down next to you.

“Anyway, what’s wrong with you?”

You groan at the reminder. “Multi.”

“Multivariable calculus?” He asks to which you nod. “Who do you have?”

“Lubinsky.”

Defying all laws of reason and physics, Jeonghan perks up a bit. “Oh, I loved him.”

“His quizzes are impossible.”

“Yeah, but he’s funny.”

You scrunch your noise. “When did you even take multi? Aren’t you a business major?”

He tilts his head at you. “How do you know my major?” You might’ve asked Soonyoung about Jeonghan during one of your study sessions, but you definitely weren’t about to admit that now. Luckily for you, he continues without an answer. “I switched majors last year.”

“Then you must know how much I despise sketching in three axes.” You complain, throwing your head back against the wall.

“Just wait until you get to finding extrema.” Jeonghan hums. You want to shove your head through the damn wall just from the sound of it.

“May my grade rest in peace in that case,” you mutter, fishing through your bag. “Here’s your shirt back.”

He takes it. “So people kind of think we’re dating after the party.”

You can’t help it. You laugh at the look on his face. “Yeah, what did you expect when you said we were together?” He doesn’t say anything. “Don’t worry. I’ll clear the air.”

He furrows his brows at you. “What? No. That’s not what I mean. I…” he hesitates, scratching an area behind his neck. “Well, this past week has been surprisingly calm for me. Not a ton of confessions.” (“Oh, poor Jeonghan,” you murmur.) He looks at you hopefully, “So, I was thinking we keep up the charade.”

You make a noise. “Like fake dating?”

“Yes.”

“Haha, very funny.”

“No, seriously.” He says earnestly. You don’t say anything for a moment just staring at him flabbergasted. He softens, giving you a very soft, “please,” paired with big, brown, pleading eyes.

Goddamn it–those eyes.

You turn your body towards him. “What do I get out of it?”

“I’ll tutor you.” He says, pointing to your quiz grade. You flip the paper upside down. “I got an A in multi.”

“No one makes an A with Lubinsky.”

“Which is exactly why you want me as your tutor.”

You think about it for a moment longer, and, well…

Fake dating Yoon Jeonghan can’t be the worst thing in the world.

—

As you find out during your first session, Jeonghan is not what you’d call a ‘chill’ tutor. You’re both sitting in a far corner of the library, notes splayed out all over the table.

“Do it again.”

“Jeonghan please, we’ve been finding directional derivatives and unit normal vectors for so long now. Let’s take a break.”

He points to your worksheet. “One more.”

“That’s what you said last time.”

“I thought you wanted an A.”

“You know, a C isn’t sounding so bad right now.”

“Just do it.”

You groan and set up another integral.

To your complete and utter shock, you’re able to solve the problem all on your own. No clarifying questions to Jeonghan. No flipping through your lecture notes. Just you and the answer.

Jeonghan checks it over, eyes darting between your notebook and his laptop. He pauses for a minute, finger lingering by your boxed, final answer, before very quietly saying, “look at that.” He looks up to you, eyes widened and lips pursed together in a pleasant surprise.

You can barely contain yourself. “It’s right?”

“Well,” he draws out the word, sitting back in his chair and erasing his previous expression. “You still rounded wrong at this step—“

You throw your pencil down. “I’M RIGHT!”

Which unsurprisingly earns you a couple dirty looks from others.

He snickers at your excitement, offering you silent applause at the achievement.

“So can we take a break now?”

He looks at you for a long moment. You stare at him back, shaking your shoulders as if that would convince him of a break. He smiles. “Okay, fine, but only for ten minutes.”

You end up taking it on the roof of the library building, eating an assortment of snacks that you bought from the vending machine and Jeonghan brought from home.

“So, tell me,” you start, grabbing a chip from the bag, “the confessions can’t really be that bad, can they?”

“How do you mean?”

“I mean,” you sit up in your chair, stretching out your back, “enough for you to spend your Thursday afternoon doing all this?”

“Ah.” He exhales, sitting down further in his seat and popping a grape in his mouth. “Well, I like to teach.”

“And what about the whole fake dating ruse?”

He shrugs. “It’s easier than being the asshole that says no.”

You lean forward, squinting at him. “I don’t believe that.”

He cocks his head. “No?”

You shake yours. “No.”

“What about you then?” He asks, crossing his arms over his chest. “How come I know nothing about you?”

“How come you haven’t asked?”

He swipes his tongue over his lips briefly, sizing your question up. Quietly, he says, “Touche.” Then leads forward in his seat and asks if you have an ex.

You steal a grape. “Not an official one.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that there was this guy before university, and we were…” you push the grape in your mouth, letting the burst of it give you time to find the right words. They never come. “We were something,” you settle on, “but he just ended up being more trouble than he was worth. Ask Soonyoung. He’s always hated the guy’s guts.”

“I can’t imagine Soonyoung hating anyone.” Jeonghan muses, pushing the tupperware of grapes towards you.

“Yeah, well, Soonyoung hated people who treated others like they were disposable.”

“So why’d you date him then?”

For a moment, you’re taken aback by the question. Replaying the words over and over in your mind looking for a hint of mockery or judgment. You don’t find any. Instead, you find his brows knitted together, and his lips pushed to the side of this mouth. The question is genuine. A wholehearted curiosity that feels so misplaced coming from the guy who has suitors falling at his feet at least once a day. It’s an innocent kind of curiosity that isn’t trying to pry; it’s only trying to understand. And that thought, the very idea that Jeonghan might actually be trying to get to know you, makes your entire body inexplicably shiver.

The curiosity in his voice bends over and touches yours. “What? You’ve never been young and stupid before?”

He shakes his head. “I was so focused on school and soccer when I was younger. I feel like I never gave myself the chance to just do dumb things, date shitty people, etc. etc.”

Gravely, you say. “It’s really not that exciting.”

He laughs. “I know.” His voice dips. “I just wish I had figured that out myself.”

Jeonghan doesn’t meet your eyes when he says it, but he makes this face, this sad-eyed, forced smile face that makes him look so suddenly vulnerable. Like you could tap his shoulder and watch him unravel from head to toe. You feel a rush of pity in the middle of your chest, a quiet urge to reach over and give him all the teenage regrets he never got to have. Instead, you lean towards him and say, “You’re still young. You can still do dumb things. Date shitty people.”

His eyes flit up to you. You notice what a beautiful shade of brown they are. How big they are. How sincerely sad they look. (And you know, somewhere, in a very far corner of your mind, that those eyes will be the ultimate death of you.)

“Well, I don’t know about that last part.” He starts, rubbing his hands against his jeans. “Technically, I’m dating you.”

You place your palm on your chest. “And I swear to be the shittiest fake partner you’ll ever have.”

He smiles. The sun emerges from behind a cloud. And his eyes–you swear to god–they glimmer.

—

You and Jeonghan’s first outing as an official fake couple is back at the frat house. To your surprise Jeonghan stays by your side the entire time. He takes you around the house, gets you a drink, and introduces you to his friends, but you’re quick to shoot down any shock because what else would a fake boyfriend be doing at a party. Although it’s not as easy to calm down the beating of your heart when Jeonghan’s hand finds its way into yours at some point in the night. By the time the party is in full swing, people bursting from every open door and window in the house, you’re already a little tipsy.

You’re getting a refill for your nearly done drink when another girl appears in front of Jeonghan. From the way she’s twirling her hair between her fingers and leaning into one hip, you can tell that, at least from her end, it’s more than just a friendly conversation. But even that doesn’t really explain what makes you act the way you do. Maybe it’s the alcohol, you reason. Or maybe the fact that Jeonghan’s popularity is just as contagious as the rest of him. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s that you’ve gotten a little too invested in this whole fake dating act. Either way, you swallow reason with the last of your drink, strut up to the both of them, and latch yourself to Jeonghan’s side, letting your arm wrap around his. You give the girl a snotty ‘sorry, he’s taken’ before dragging Jeonghan away, giggling into your palm with no intention to return. When you look back at Jeonghan, you find him looking quite amused as well.

“That was good!” He tells you by the time you’re both in the hallway. “But you know what would really seal the deal?”

You’re excited. Fake dating is fun. “What?”

“If we kissed?”

“Oh, please.” Your eyes do a drunken loop de loop. “I’m gonna go get my refill.”

“No, seriously.” He says with a look you can’t quite comprehend. “Look. She’s still watching.”

You look beyond his shoulder and sure enough, the girl is still watching you and him in the hallway. And she looks pissed. Maybe Jeonghan wasn’t that far off with the stalker accusation.

“You see what I have to deal with. Just one kiss. We probably won’t even have to do it again after this.”

“Probably?” You echo.

“Well, yeah, I can’t make any promises.” He shrugs except that you barely hear the words because you’re too focused on taking a tiny step back each time he takes a tiny step towards you. Eventually, the charade ends. Your heel and head meet the wall. His knee meets yours.

You’re painfully aware of your own breathing when you say, “When I said to be young and stupid this is not what I meant.”

He giggles in your face. You can smell the vodka on his breath. Is he drunk? Are you?

“Who’s going to believe we’re dating if we never kiss?”

And well, you can’t really argue with that logic. “Fine, but keep it short.”

He cocks his head to the side. “Do I look like the kind of guy to keep a kiss short?” You snort at that, and when he takes yet another step closer to you, your hands instinctively fly up against his chest. He tangles his fingers between yours and pulls your hands down, resting his forehead against yours. “Hey,” he says except that he’s so close it’s more like he exhales the word and inhales you, “can I kiss you now?”

He lets go of your hands, as if he’s making sure you know you have an out. Your eyes flit up to his, only to find that he’s watching your lips.

“Oh, fuck it,” is what you say before you fist his shirt and pull him in so that his lips meet yours.

And the moment you do all of your previous precautions are thrown out the window because—dang how long has it been since you’ve kissed someone?

Somewhere along the kiss, you lose yourself in the sensation of it, tugging on Jeonghan’s shirt. He wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you in until your bodies are flush against each other. And when he slips his tongue into your mouth you tell yourself you allow it to happen because you’re tipsy or touch starved or both. Although none of those excuses explain why your arms snake around his neck and why your entire body turns to jelly when he moans in your mouth.

“Hey lovebirds,” you hear Soonyoung yell from somewhere thousands and thousands lightyears away, somewhere so far away you barely hear it, “get a room.” You both pull away from the kiss, faces only moving a tiny bit apart. Neither of you try to remove yourselves from the other's arms. He smiles, wide enough that his cheek brushes up against your nose, and it makes you forget where you are. Your ears betray you. You let yourself think he’s talking about the kiss and not the charade when he says, “Thanks for that.”

You throw caution to the window, laughing freely against his face. “Asshole. You knew I wouldn’t say no.”

He steps back, pulling away from your embrace. “Yeah,” he mutters, looking back to the main room, “that should do it.” You follow his eyes to see the girl from earlier whispering to a friend while sneaking glances at you two. You’re reminded of the whole reason you and Jeonghan were kissing in the first place.

He points to your cup. “Shot?”

You laugh—or well at least you try to—but it gets caught in your throat and distorted into a small cough. You swallow. “Yes.”

—

Thankfully, things aren’t awkward between you and Jeonghan after the party, although there’s no real reason for there to be other than the fact that you agreed to fake date him without really thinking about what else it would implicate. In fact, things are sort of easy with Jeonghan. He finds you around campus more often, and you find him too, walking each other to class and grabbing coffee when you both have a spare moment. In the midst of getting a fake boyfriend, you also get a new friend. With Jeonghan’s help, you actually start understanding math enough to complete the homework without having to flip back to the textbook every question. And it’s not too long after the party that you’re planning your next outing as a couple.

—

The stands of the field are absolutely packed with people. You had no idea soccer games rallied this much interest at your school.

“We’re playing a top ranked school apparently,” Soonyoung reads off a sign as you both make your way towards the student section. Luckily, he knows as little about the sport as you do. “So, why exactly did you agree to fake date Jeonghan?”

“He’s tutoring me in multi.” You explain to him, scanning the stands. While walking over to the game, you had told Soonyoung about the whole act, confirming what he already started to suspect when you first suggested going to the soccer game together. (“Drunken makeout I get.” Soonyoung had said. “But going to his games seemed like a stretch.” You shoved him off the sidewalk.)

“At least you’re getting something out of it.” He snorts. “Who are we looking for?”

You show him the text from Jeonghan, telling you to sit with his friend. “Do you know him?”

Soonyoung looks into the crowd. “Him?” He asks, pointing to a guy waving you and him over. You inhale sharply, waving back. “So if it’s fake, why is Jeonghan having you meet his friends?” Soonyoung asks as you head over.

“He has his reasons.” You offer, having asked a similar question yourself. You reach the stand where his friend is seated, crossing past the others in the row and gently apologizing as you bump into dozens of knees.

“Hi, I’m Joshua.” Jeonghan’s friend introduces himself as you and Soonyoung take your seats. You return the greeting, introducing yourself to him. Looking around the student section, you notice everyone else dressed in school merchandise. “Was I supposed to wear school colors for this?”

Soonyoung gives you a long look. Then just laughs in your face.

“Asshole.” You grumble quietly. “Could’ve said something.”

Joshua laughs as well, although much less in-your-face than Soonyoung’s. “I’m surprised Jeonghan didn’t give you like a jersey to wear or something.”

You had meant the asshole in question to be Soonyoung, not Jeonghan, but you don’t really have the heart to correct him. Instead, while waiting for the game to start, you ask, “How do you know Jeonghan?”

“Oh, we met freshman year. We both rushed the frat together, but I dropped after one semester.” Soonyoung pops in then, telling Joshua about when he rushed, and the two boys talk about other people they both mutually know. As one does.

They run out of people after a person named Jihoon. Joshua turns back to you. “How did you and Jeonghan meet? I haven’t even gotten the full story yet.”

“We met through Soonyoung, technically, I guess. At the house during a party. Soonyoung let me into his bathroom.”

Joshua nods, and with a playful lilt adds, “not a stalker, are you?”

You click your tongue against the roof of your mouth and turn back to Soonyoung on the other side of you. “I hope you know I’m never beating the stalker allegations because of you.”

Soonyoung smiles smugly at you.

“No, I’m kidding,” Joshua says through a laugh hidden behind his palm. “I just know how paranoid Jeonghan is about that stuff now.”

The wording pokes at a corner of your mind. “Now?”

Joshua nods, solemnly almost. “He actually had one last year. Didn’t end up being anything seriously endangering luckily. But he barely left his dorm for the rest of the semester after all was said and done.”

You think back to your conversation with Jeonghan on the roof of the library. You feel a familiar pang of pity bloom in your chest. He never got to just be young. Outloud, you hear yourself saying, “stupid.”

Joshua leans towards you. “What?”

You wave it off, and the crowd erupts into cheer. Everybody starts standing up, yelling and jumping and whooping. You hesitate for too long obviously. Soonyoung pulls you up by your arm. You see the team rush the field and the crowd gets impossibly louder. You look for Jeonghan among the players scanning each of them until you find him towards the left side of the field, warming up or something. You’re not really sure. Either way, you hear yourself start cheering when you find him, hands cupping around your mouth. The game starts soon enough with Joshua explaining to you and Soonyoung which position Jeonghan plays and what the hell is happening each time a player receives a card. After the first 15 minutes, you actually get a pretty good understanding of the whole thing.

The first half comes to a close with the opposing team up by one goal and Jeonghan’s team looking exhausted and dispirited.

“Hey, I gotta head out.” Soonyoung tells you once everything has settled down for halftime. “Still have to finish that chem lab due tonight.”

You grimace at the reminder of the report. “Good luck. It took me 5 hours.”

He gives you a miserable thumbs up. Then, turns his attention to Joshua. “It was nice to meet you.”

Joshua returns the sentiment. “I’ll see you at Tim’s once you’re done with the report though, right?”

Soonyoung’s lips turn to a fine line. “I, well, it’s a funny story but uh…”

“He’s banned from Tim’s.” You finish for him.

Joshua does not hide his shock. Soonyoung just shrugs and walks off. Joshua turns to you, exasperated. “But it’s the only bar in town.”

You inhale, “And Soonyoung is the type to get impulsively banned from it for the rest of college.” The answer doesn’t seem to do much of anything for Joshua’s profound confusion. “What’s at Tim’s tonight?”

“Oh, the team always goes there after games. They normally invite some friends too. Whoever can make it out basically.” You nod at his explanation, watching as people leave the stands then return, holding steaming, paper cartons of food. God, that smells good. You crane your neck to see. Are those corn dogs? “Did Jeonghan not tell you about it?”

“What?” He pulls you out of a trance of your own. “Oh, yeah, yeah. I think he mentioned it. I probably just forgot.”

Joshua chuckles politely. “So are you coming?”

Oh crap. “Uh, well…” A million lies run through your mind, chasing past one another, zigzagging in your brain. You have homework. You have other plans. You and Jeonghan aren’t even actually dating. Well—a million lies and one truth you guess. Either way, they all fizzle to nothing. Jeonghan didn’t tell you about the tradition at Tim’s. He probably doesn’t even want you there. So what the hell are you supposed to tell his best friend?

Luckily, you never have to figure that out. Fanfare erupts through the crowd, the announcer sounds throughout the entire field. “Oh the game’s restarting,” you mutter. Joshua is either genuinely disinterested in your response or just polite enough to not ask about it again. You have a crummy feeling it’s the latter.

The second half of the game is much more intense than the first. Your school’s team comes out blazing, scoring a goal in the first ten minutes in an insane effort led by the player with a 7 on his back. And the crowd, you included, absolutely lose their shit. You’re jumping up and down on the stands, screaming at the top of your lungs, voice lost among the rest. The team rushes to the right corner of the field closest to the student section, colliding in hugs and jumps and screaming maybe even louder than the hundreds of you in the stands. You watch Jeonghan in the celebration, hair matted down with sweat, mouth ajar in a soundless cheer, embracing a teammate before ditching him to literally jump on top of another. Your yells turn to laughs. And before you know it, the game is back on, all players racing across the field in a mad dash. The ball goes flying. Penalty cards flying to nearly every player at least once. The entire student section is at the edge of their seats. Time seems to fly by with unified chants filling your ears and throat. There’s only 10 minutes left. The game is still in a tie, and you really don’t feel like sitting here for the extra time. Then, someone starts singing the school’s fight song. Eventually, the whole section is singing it. You included. It ignites something in the team.

The opposing team has the ball, dribbling it across the field and passing it back and forth. Out of nowhere, one of your school’s players appears right next to the opponent with the ball. He kicks the ball out from under the other player, taking him and the rest of the stands by surprise. The ball rolls from under his knees to another of your school’s players. Jeonghan’s teammate is in action immediately, sprinting away with the ball to the opposite side of the field, feet flying faster than your mind can even comprehend. And just as one of the opposing team’s members closes in on him, he punts the ball in the air and it flies and flies and flies. Your heart lurches. There’s no mistaking it–the ball is aimed for Jeonghan. 7 minutes left. Jeonghan receives the ball perfectly, immediately racing away with it towards the goal. An opponent chases after him, forcing him to head nearer and nearer to the touchlines. It all happens so fast. The other player kicks his feet out to steal the ball. Jeonghan crosses the ball over to another teammate. The teammate receives it with his head. He dribbles it forward for half a second and then shoots. Time nearly stops when he does. The goalie throws their entire body to block the ball, and every present body watches, stupefied, as the ball blows right past the goalie’s head and lands squarely within the goal.

And if you thought the previous goal’s celebration was loud, this one’s is deafening. The entire stadium roars in pride. Your school won. Jeonghan won. And you can’t stop fucking smiling.

—

Joshua convinces you to wait for Jeonghan and the rest of the team at Tim’s with him. You do. For matters of fake dating but also because you could really use a beer. Conversation with Joshua is fun and light. By the time you’re both on your second round, his politeness dims to tease you for your drink of choice. You see now why he’s one of Jeonghan’s closest friends.

There’s commotion towards the entrance. You turn your heads towards it and watch Jeonghan’s team rumble through the tiny door, yelling at god knows what and rushing to the bar.

Joshua stands to go say hi. You follow him, walking slightly behind. Jeonghan finds you before you both find him. He tackles Joshua first, hugging him from the side, and literally ‘whooping’ into his ear. Joshua smacks at his face at first, but eventually joins him in the repeated ‘whooping’ jumping up and down in celebration. Then Jeonghan sees you. The whooping fades. He stares.

You swallow.

“Yah!” He exclaims, releasing Joshua and pointing a finger at your shirt. “I thought I told you to wear the jersey I gave you.”

Your face drops. Whatever happened to ‘hi’, ‘hello’, ‘how are you’?

Joshua says something about the bathroom and walks to the back of the bar.

You shake your head at the remaining boy. “It’s a little bit concerning how good you are at lying, you know.”

“Well, we can’t have people suspecting us.” He retorts, stepping closer to you as someone passes behind him.

“Is it okay that I’m here?” You ask, quiet enough for no one else to hear, face scrunching. “I didn’t know what to say to Joshua earlier, but I can definitely make up a lie if you want to just–”

“Are you kidding?” He grabs you by the shoulders, shaking you back and forth. “I want you here! We have to celebrate. This was the biggest game of the season, and we won it!” Then, with that same crooked smile you noticed upon first meeting, he adds, “Plus, you’re not very good at lying.”

You scoff. “Even now, you have the capacity for assholery.”

His eyebrows zip together. “I don’t think that’s a word.”

“It could be.”

Someone pats Jeonghan on the back, handing him a drink. Jeonghan asks what it is. The other person tells him to just drink it. Jeonghan does so begrudgingly. You recognize the person to be player number 7.

“Hi, I’m Seungcheol,” number 7 says to you, holding out his hand. You shake it, introducing yourself and congratulating him on the game.

“Hey, is assholery a word?” Jeonghan asks his teammate, watching your face contort through a thousand different variations of annoyance and disbelief.

Seungcheol looks between the two of you. “Uh, no. Don’t think so.”

“Ha!” Jeonghan wags a finger in your face. “You owe me a drink.”

You narrow your eyes at him, but you head towards the bar with Jeonghan anyways, where you find Joshua again ordering the three of you a round of shots. “No, no,” he insists, when you try to tell him that you’re already buying drinks, “I owe Jeonghan a drink anyways.”

And as you find out throughout the course of the night, apparently every other patron at Tim’s owes Jeonghan a drink. You lose count of how many times you’ve heard him say so after your third beer. Joshua makes his exit soon after that and conveniently right before the team starts singing the fight song again. You start dreaming of bed when a guy you recognize as number 3 gets on a chair and starts leading the crowd.

Your phone buzzes.

Soonyoung [1:23 AM]: finished the report :0

Soonyoung [1:23 AM]: finally

Soonyoung [1:24 AM]: how’s tim’s

You [1:24 AM]: did you know they had a karaoke machine?

Soonyoung [1:25 AM]: do you not remember how i got banned in the first place

You [1:25 AM]: sore subject mb

You [1:27 AM]: damn how’d you finish the report so fast

You [1:27 AM]: you only started it after the game right

Soonyoung [1:28 AM]: u know me xD

An odd feeling settles in your stomach as they start the last stanza of the fight song. You shove your phone in your pocket and ask for the check.

By 2 am, the celebration is finally winding down, and the entire team is collectively too drunk to stand. “Come on, Jeonghan,” you pull him away as he says goodbye to his friends for the millionth time. “Let’s go home.”

He finally relents, turning away from his friends and throwing both his arms over your shoulders, hugging you from the back. “Let’s go to yours.”

“Mine? Why?”

“It’s closer.” Then after a moment, he bumps his chin against your shoulder and adds, “Plus, I wanna see your room.”

“Fine,” you huff and start walking. Jeonghan releases himself from your back, electing to walk on his own until you realize he’s too much of a wanderer to be unattached, drifting off to the edge of the sidewalk or in the wrong direction every chance he gets. He asks you to carry him. You settle for holding his hand. The two of you walk quietly back to your dorm. That is until Jeonghan starts humming the fight song again. You snap. “Is that the only song you guys know tonight?”

He stops humming and apologizes. You don’t say anything back. Then, very quietly, sounding so infuriatingly innocent, he says, “I didn’t mean to get this drunk.”

You’re an asshole. “No. It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m just a little… upset right now.”

He burps. “Because of me?”

The look on his face when he says it pulls a laugh from between your lips. “No. Not because of you.” You make a right onto your street, dragging Jeonghan along as he tries to take a left. “Anyway, I thought student athletes weren’t supposed to drink.”

“No, we’re not supposed to get caught drinking.” Jeonghan holds out his hand in front of him, as if to say ‘stop’ to something invisible to you. “Very different.”

“Ah, I see.”

“Either way, I don’t drink that much.”

You scoff, stopping in front of the door to your building. “What do you mean? You drank last weekend.”

He shakes his head. “That was a special occasion.”

“And the occasion was…?”

He looks you dead in the eye.

“You make me nervous.”

Then, he turns around and vomits into the bushes behind him.

Once you get him to your apartment and in your bathroom, you leave him to vomit out the alcohol. Returning after the retching sounds recede and you’ve changed into pjs. He’s seated on the floor beside the toilet, eyes closed and head resting against the wall. You sit on the other side. Thank god, you cleaned this bathroom yesterday. “How do you feel?” You ask him.

He inhales. “Much better now that I…” He gestures to the toilet.

“Here.” You hand him a glass of water.

He opens his eyes and takes it, drinking from it slowly. “Sorry I got so drunk.”

“You already apologized 30 times on the way up here.” You remind him.

“But I’m really sorry.”

“And I really don’t mind.”

He considers that for a long moment. “You sure?”

You lean forward. “I’m sure. More water?”

He shakes his head, wordlessly eyeing your pajama pants. You look down at your snoopy pants. You hadn’t thought too hard about your choice of bottoms when you changed. “Cute.” He mutters, smiling at them.

You mumble back a ‘thanks’.

“So, what’d you think of the game?”

You tell him honestly how much fun you had watching them play, giving him every reaction you had to every move made and all your unfiltered opinions on the refs. He listens intently, filling you in on all the thoughts that ran through his head while they were playing and every conversation that happened on the sidelines.

“Thanks for coming.” He tells you once you’ve both exhausted all opinions relating to the game itself. “And for meeting Joshua and coming out to Tim’s afterwards and then getting me out of Tim’s too.”

“Jeonghan, it’s really not that big of a deal. And Joshua was a lot of fun to hang out with.”

“Hey, don’t get too attached.” He warns. “I’m the one you’re fake dating.”

“Trust me, I know.”

“So, then, as your fake boyfriend,” he gulps down the last of the water, “are you going to tell me what you were so upset about?”

You exhale, flexing your fingers. “It’s stupid.”

“And here I was thinking we had made a pact to be young and dumb.” You run your tongue over your top row of teeth, holding back a smile. “So, what happened?”

“I just got this text from Soonyoung that he finished this one assignment. And, I don’t know, I just felt so ridiculous because it took me so much longer than him to do.”

“Which assignment? The chem lab?”

You don’t remember telling Jeonghan about it. “Uh, yeah. How did you–”

“Man, who cares if it took you longer? I know Soonyoung, and I know you, and I bet yours is a million times better than his. No offense to Soonyoung, but I’m pretty sure he’d agree anyways.”

“Okay, you’re drunk.”

“That may be true, but it has nothing to do with the fact that you’re brilliant.”

Something about the way he says it, how steady his voice is maybe or the way he refuses to look away, forces you to see how much he believes it. But even that, doesn’t do much to change what you think.

“What are you talking about? I wouldn’t even be passing multi if it weren’t for you.” Your voice cracks as you say the words, making it all come out sounding much sadder than you had intended it to. You hope he doesn’t notice.

“That’s really not true.” You can’t even trust yourself to respond to him. He pouts. “Are you upset again?”

“A little.”

“I’m sorry. Let’s drop it.”

“Gladly.” Then, after a moment, you laugh at how silly it all is.

“First fight of the relationship.” He gives you your second half smile of the night. “I think we should hug it out.”

Your body reacts to the words before you do. “I disagree–”

“Did you just cringe?”

“–you smell like vomit.”

“Well, do you have clothes for me?”

“No, but I have a couch.”

He holds his index finger up. “I’ll take it.”

—

(When you wake up the next morning, Jeonghan’s gone. You open your phone and find 2 more apologies and 3 more thank you’s from him.

You try to ignore the twinge of disappointment.)

—

When the third weekend of fake dating rolls around, you admittedly are a bit tired of going to parties and getting drunk. So when Jeonghan asks what the plans are, you suggest he say that he’s taking you out on a date instead.

As such, you’ve spent nearly the entire day in bed. You’re heating up some water on the stove to make ramen when you get a text from Jeonghan saying he’s five minutes away. You stare at the text. The fuck does that mean?

Unsurprisingly, it ends up meaning that he was literally five minutes away. You open the door when he knocks and stare at him standing in the doorway.

“What are you wearing?” Is the first thing he says. You look down at your outfit. “You should’ve told me this was going to be a sweats kind of date before I put real clothes on.”

“Date?”

“Don’t look so surprised, it was your idea.” Jeonghan reminds you, strutting into your kitchen.

“No, no.” You say, returning to your boiling water. “My idea was to tell people we’re going on a date. Like as a cover.”

“Oh.” He falls down onto your couch. “Well I’m here so get dressed there’s this new ramen place I wanna try.”

You sigh, turning the stovetop off before trudging to your room to change.

The ‘date’ ends up being quite nice. You discuss a study plan to prepare for your math midterm over a much yummier bowl of ramen than you had planned on consuming today. Afterwards, you walk the streets of downtown, only intending to window shop. However, now, standing in a small boutique, Jeonghan tries to convince you to buy matching necklaces.

“Come on, they’re so cute.”

“We don’t need matching necklaces, Jeonghan.”

“A real couple would definitely have matching necklaces.”

“Good thing we’re not one.”

“Fine then. Guess I’ll just stop tutoring you in math too. You know Lubinsky’s midterms are almost as hard as his finals, right?”

You grab two of the necklaces and turn to the cashier. “How much?” You swear you hear Jeonghan whoop from behind you.

—

“Hey,” Jeonghan whispers, “we’re here.” You open your eyes slowly, not even registering that you fell asleep on the ride back to campus after the date-but-not-date. “You drool when you sleep by the way.”

And that wakes you up. You wipe whatever drool is left on your mouth, muttering a small and embarrassed ‘shut up’.

“What are you doing for the rest of your day?” He asks as you gather your things from his car.

“Absolutely nothing. Today’s the last day to rot before midterm prep starts.” You tell him, looking for your wallet. “What about you?”

“Avoiding a mixer at the house tonight.” He reaches into the center console and hands you the leather slip.

You take the wallet gratefully. “Wanna join me? We can make some tea. Watch a movie.”

He puts the car in park. “I know just what we should watch.”

And that’s how you end up on your couch with Jeonghan, two emptied mugs sitting on the coffee table, blanket draped over your legs, and the worst movie you’ve seen to date playing in the background.

“Wow, this movie sucks ass.”

“This,” Jeonghan gestures passionately to the screen, “is cinema.” You clasp your hands together as if in prayer. He takes a double take at the motion. “What are you doing?”

“I’m thanking god that your major is business and not film.” He immediately smacks apart your hands. “Don’t lie.” You say gasping for air between laughs. “This movie is objectively not good.”

His tongue peeks out between his lips, you practically see the smiling begging to emerge on his face. “Okay, so it might not be all that it was hyped up to be, but–”

“Ha!” You point a finger in his face. “I knew you hated it.” He slumps into the couch, pulling the blanket up to his chin. ��Do you want more tea?” You ask. He soundlessly nods, refusing to move his eyes from the tv screen.

You stand to make some, grabbing both mugs from the table. “So, do you not have a roommate?” Jeonghan questions, as you pour water from the kettle into the mugs.

You look to the second, empty room of your apartment style dorm. “Actually, no. There was supposed to be someone there, but they moved or dropped out at the start of the year and the school never filled the room.”

“Ah.” Jeonghan clicks, nodding as if finally putting together the last piece of a puzzle “So, that’s why you’re so friendless.”

You return to the couch with full mugs. “I am not friendless.” He makes a face. “Really. I have friends.”

“Other than Soonyoung?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, name them.” You kick him under the blanket. “Fine. You have friends.” (“I have friends.”) “But how come you never talk about hanging out with them?”

You exhale slowly, sinking further into the couch. “I just didn’t do too well in school last semester, so I promised myself I would focus on classes this time around. And, I don’t know, I guess I just got so caught up in that and haven’t really been making the time or effort for hangouts.”

He tilts his head. “You know, I feel like there’s a world where you can do well in school while also maintaining your friendships. I mean we see each other regularly.”

“That’s because half of the time we’re studying.”

He gives you a look. “You know what I mean.”

You sigh, considering his point. Maybe at one point you would have thought the same. Last semester you even tried to have it all–the friends, the social life, the grades. But in the end, you dropped the ball. You can’t afford to make those same mistakes. “I just don’t think that world exists for me.”

He finally looks away from the tv and gives his full attention to you. His eyes seem to linger on every turn in your face. Quietly, he says, “So that’s what it is.” He doesn’t offer an explanation immediately. Instead, his chest deflates in one long exhale, and you smother the voice in your head that’s begging you to ask for one. And there’s this conviction in his voice, this breathtaking finality, when he says, “When are you going to believe me when I say that you’re one of the smartest people I know?” that scares the living shit out of you.

He looks at you again, and you swear to god, his eyes fall right through your frame. You swallow. “What about you?”

His eyebrows raise. “What about me?”

“Who are your friends? How do you spend all your time apart from classes, soccer, the frat, tutoring me and–oh my god, nevermind, new question. Do you even sleep?”

He takes a sip from the tea. “Don’t forget the business honor society. I’ll be the treasurer next fall.”

You squint at him. “Why?”

And like it’s the simplest, most obvious thing in the world he says, “oh, well, they asked.”

Suddenly, you’re reminded of all the times you’ve seen him get asked out on dates followed by every time he’s failed to say no. “Jeonghan,” you turn to him, setting down your mug. (“oh, this is serious, okay.”) You ignore him. “Can you not say no to people?”

He blows a raspberry. “I can say no. Ask me something.”

“Uhhhh,” you rack your brain, “how about–let’s go to the beach next weekend.”

The closest beach is 5 hours away, and yet he has the audacity to say, “Wait, that sounds like fun though.”

“I thought you hated the ocean.”

“Yeah, but maybe it’d be fun with you.”

You shake your head, muttering how impossible he is. The end credits of the movie finally plays.

“I should head out.” Jeonghan says, removing himself from under the blanket. You nod, grabbing the mugs of tea and bringing them to the kitchen. He follows you to the door. You both exchange the usual ‘this was fun’, ‘let’s do it again’, ‘I’ll see you later’ that ends every hangout you’ve had in college. But then, unlike every other person you’ve held the door open for as they leave, after Jeonghan says his final goodbye, he gives you a peck on the lips.

Did that just happen?

Your fingers touch against your lips. Oh my god, it did.

He blinks. “Sorry. I, uh, I don’t know why I just,” he points to your lips, swallowing, “lol. We’re always pretending and then now. And you. Okay, well, anyways, I’ll leave.”

He turns and doesn’t look back. You hear a ‘bye’ sound from the hallway.

And it’s only by the time he’s probably halfway home that it hits: You’ve never seen Jeonghan flustered like that.

—

The first day of midterm prep is brutal. You spend the entire night in the library, studying for hours on end. And once an hour, on the dot it seems, you hear Jeonghan’s voice in your head. There’s a world where you can do well in school while also maintaining your friendships. That very night you text your friends, asking if they want to join you in one of the library study rooms you have booked every evening this week. They do, excited to hear from you again and for the gentle encouragement to get a head start on studying. You hate to admit that Jeonghan was right, but goddammit he was. You have a blast with your friends. You had barely even realized how long you’d gone without seeing them and how much you missed them. By the time your Thursday afternoon tutoring with Jeonghan comes back around, you’re still on track with the study plan you created over ramen, and you have exciting news for him.

“A birthday party?” Jeonghan says, voice carefully devoid of the disdain you must know he feels.

“Yeah, they heard through whoever that we’re dating, and now they all want you to come.”

“But a birthday party?” He repeats. This time not trying to hide anything.

“Oh come on. I went to the game for you.”

“Yeah, but the game was fun.”

“This will be fun too!” You say in what you hope is an encouraging way.

“Fine. But promise you won’t ditch me for your friends.”

“You’re so dramatic.” You mutter. “But yes, I promise.”

That Friday night Jeonghan meets you at your apartment and the two of you head over to the party together.

Halfway down the hallway to your friend’s apartment, Jeonghan suddenly halts. “Shit, should I have brought something?”

“Like what?”

“A gift? Wine? I don’t know.”

“Jeonghan, it’s a party. Don’t overthink it.” You tell him, opening the door to your friend’s apartment.

You step into her entryway and immediately feel like you’ve been transported into another world. The lights are all off save for some LED lights wrapped around the living room ceiling. An assortment of stacked red solo cups, yak-worthy bottles of vodka, and seltzers take over all available kitchen counter space. Some old pop song from an artist you know your friend loves plays loudly from the tv, reverberating through every pair of ears shoved into this tiny apartment. You inhale. The air reeks distinctly of college. You love it.

“Oh my god, there’s even people on the balcony.” Jeonghan whispers in your ears. You pivot your head around to look at him. He looks back at you, unassuming. “What?”

This entire scene is one you’re quite familiar with, having spent many nights just like this in previous semesters. But as you watch Jeonghan gape at the amount of people fitted into the kitchen alone, you figure he might not be as acquainted with this. “Yoon Jeonghan, is this your first apartment party?”

He cocks his head to the side. “Is it not yours?”

But before you can tell him all about the life you used to live before him, your friends find you attacking you with hugs and introducing themselves to Jeonghan.

Jenny, the birthday girl in question, sloppily points at both of you and says, “I’ve been drinking since noon. You need to catch up.”

After a minute of half-hearted protest, you oblige, heading over to the kitchen area. You grab two cups, handing Jeonghan one. “There’s soda over there if you’re not drinking tonight,” you tell him, pointing to the area beside the sink where a line of mixers await.

He looks over at the bottles, then looks back at you. “Are you drinking?”

“Yes!” Your friend Daniel yells from over the music. You just shrug, reaching for one of the handles. “I guess so.”

Jeonghan inhales sharply, holding out his cup for you to pour. “I’ll have what you’re having then.”

You hesitate, open bottle hovering over the lip of his cup. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah. Why?”

You frown. “I was thinking about what you said after the game about how you don’t drink that much, and I don’t want you to drink just because I am. I can not drink too.”

He pushes his cup up. “What was it you said earlier? It’s a party. Don’t overthink it.”

Then he gives you that crooked half smile that you’ve come to know so well. You pour him a drink and pour yourself one too. You turn back to your friends, holding up your cup for a cheers.

“Wait, wait, what are we cheersing to?” Daniel asks, grabbing his cup from behind him and holding it up, tapping on Jenny’s shoulder for her to do the same.

It’s Jeonghan who answers. Looking straight at you, he holds his cup up high and says, “To friends.”

You bring the drink up to your lips smiling, watching him watching you. All four of you down your drinks. The drink is absolutely terrible, burning a path down your throat all the way down. Jeonghan hands you another cup, whispering ‘it’s coke’ with an equally pained expression on his face. You take it gratefully.

“God,” Jenny says, placing a hand on her chest while watching the exchange between you and Jeonghan, “they’re like an old married couple already. How have we missed all this?”

“I know.” Daniel says, shaking his head. “I can still barely believe it.”

You glare at him. “Hey, what’s so hard to believe?”

They both ignore you, turning their attention to Jeonghan instead.

“So, we’ve heard all the boring–how you guys met, first date–sort of stuff, but we want to know the juicy details–”

“Jenny, don’t you have other guests to attend to or–”

“Yeah,” Daniel joins in, “like what’s your favorite thing about them?”

You turn to Jeonghan immediately. “You don’t have to answer that.”

“My favorite part,” Jeonghan starts, ignoring your plea to not humor them and tapping a finger on his chin in thought. He must find it after a moment, pausing the tapping and stealing a glance your way. “Probably how much fun I have with them.” He says to your friends. “I feel like we’re always laughing together or just having a good time. I’ve never been able to talk to someone as easily as I do with them. Like you know how when you get towards the end of a really good book, and you just can’t put it down, pushing everything else to the side to keep reading. Hanging out with them is like that.” Turning back to look at you, he adds, “I never want it to end.”

You hold his gaze while Jenny and Daniel erupt into a series of awes and exclamations. Deep in your gut, you know that you should be focusing on the kind smile on his face or the sudden rapidity in your heartbeat, but instead, more cruelly, you wonder how much of that was a lie he made up to appease the role of your fake boyfriend.

You turn to pour yourself another drink. He holds his cup out as well. You pour for two.

“You okay?” He asks, pouring some fruit punch into both your cups as well.

You nod. You have no reason to be upset. So taking a sip of the drink, you decide you’re not. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“We should play a game,” he says, taking a sniff of your jointly made concoction.

“Oh?”

“Yeah, like…” He looks around the apartment. “We have to drink every time we see someone kissing.”

“What kind of rule is that?”

“No. It’ll be fun.” He says, scanning the apartment again. He sucks in air between his teeth. “Damn, I thought there’d be more kissing than this for some reason.”

You laugh at his cluelessness, and then lean in to kiss his cheek. “There.” You say, clinking your cup against his. “Now, we can drink.”

He taps a finger to the tip of his nose twice, then points it at you, before taking two large gulps of his drink.

The game actually does a good job of getting you and Jeonghan drunk once Jenny catches wind if it and starts giving out birthday kisses to whoever will take one. After a while, you make the executive decision that you need a break and escape to the bathroom to piss. When you exit back into the hallway off the living room, Jeonghan is there, leaning against the opposite wall, waiting for you. He hands you your cup back. “Your friends are terrible, terrible enablers,” he says, motioning for you to drink up while taking a drink himself. You whimper, leaning against the wall beside him and readmitting the dreaded liquid to your body.

“So,” you bump your shoulder against his, “are you having fun?”

He shifts his entire body to face you, shoulder resting against the wall, back turned to the entire party. He puts his face right in front of yours, narrows his eyes at you playfully, and says, “did you even listen to what I said?”

You put a hand on his shoulder. Just to have something between his body and yours. “What?”

He grins cheekily, letting out a puff of air that smells like cherry. “I always have fun with you.”

You laugh. Then in a voice sober you would be embarrassed of, you say, “And you never want it to end?”

He sticks his tongue out just barely, laughing into your neck. “And I never want it to end.”

You kiss him.

You don’t stop to think about what it might mean tomorrow or even in the next hour. You don’t stop to think about the fact that you’re too drunk to be initiating kisses or the possibility that he is. You don’t stop to think about anything, other than how much you love the sound of his laugh and how badly you want to feel his lips on yours again.

The kiss starts slowly, a shy orchestration of lips and breath. Your nose bumps against his, and he pulls away. He looks at you with those damn eyes, like it’s the first time all over again. And for some reason you can’t explain you bitterly think that it was always going to end like this.

He cups his free hand against your cheek and pulls you back in. Your lips meet in an open-mouthed kiss that has nothing slow and shy about it. No. It’s sloppy, hurried, and hungry. It’s tongue and teeth, crashing and colliding over and over again. It’s your body against his, every rise of your chest battling against his You wrap your free hand against his torso, pulling him impossibly closer. His hand moves from where it was holding your face to travel over the back of your head and your neck, sliding halfway down your back before pulling forward to run from your waist down to your hip. It lingers there for a moment before continuing further to grip the back of your thigh, pulling your knee up the side of his leg and holding it there against his hip.

A commotion sounds from the living room. “Oh shit.” You say breathlessly, pulling away from him. “I think she’s going to pop the champagne.”

“Okay.” He breathes, before kissing you again. You laugh in his mouth, whispering his name and pushing a hand against his chest. Finally, he lets go of your leg. You lead him back to the rest of the party where everyone is crowding around the balcony entrance. You and Jeonghan stand in the living room, watching from the window as Jenny struggles to pop the cork. She gets it after a moment, yelping at the sudden burst and spraying it over the edge of the balcony. Once the champagne dies down enough to not be overflowing, she brings the bottle to her lips and chugs. Everyone counts.

1! Jeonghan steps closer to you, wrapping his arms around your torso and hugging you from the back. You have to remind yourself to catch your breath.

2! He rests his chin on your shoulder. Without even thinking about it, you rest your head against his. His voice is a warm breath on your neck.

3! You recall what he said to your friends at the start of the party and again to you right before the kiss. Did he mean it? Does he really not want this to end?

4! Your eyes glance over at his. He looks happy. He looks like he’s finally given himself the chance to be young and stupid, which from the start, is all you ever wanted for him. So then why does it make you feel so suddenly grief-stricken?

5! “Why didn’t you tell Joshua about us?” You ask him quietly, voice drowned out by the counting for everyone other than him.

6! He angles his chin towards you. “What do you mean? He knows we’re dating.”

7! “No, I mean why didn’t you tell him that it’s fake.”

8! He stands up straight. Fuck the counting. You turn to look at him. “He’s your best friend, isn’t he?”

9! He looks at you carefully. “Did you tell Soonyoung that it’s all been fake?”

10! You haven’t even answered him yet, but somehow, he already knows what you’re going to say.

11! “Yes.” And even alcohol couldn’t have hidden the distinct look of betrayal painted all over his face.

12! He looks down into his cup and chuckles darkly. “Why did we just kiss?”

13! You swallow. Shit. “Someone was looking at you, like–well, you know what like.”

14! He doesn’t say anything. You recount his words back to him. “Sealing the deal, remember.”

15! His eyes bore into yours. How could you have been so stupid?

16! Please, you want to beg, say something.

17! He shakes his head, smiling emptily. “Tell your friends it was nice to meet them.”

18! He doesn’t wait to hear if you have anything left to say. He turns, and you watch him disappear from the party.

The rest of the numbers blur in your head.

—

(That night you had called Soonyoung, sobbing over the phone, feeling more drunk then, in your apartment than you had at any other point that night.

“What’s wrong?” Alarm was flush in his voice. “What happened? Are you okay?”

The only thing Soonyoung could even make out was a very sad, very quiet, “I ruined it.”)

—

You haven’t talked to Jeonghan since Jenny’s party. He hasn’t texted you either. Staring at your upcoming midterm on Thursday and the extra study session with Jeonghan scheduled for Wednesday, you feel, quite lamely, mocked by your own calendar. But more than anything, you’re mad that he’s left you to study all alone the week of your midterm. You’re mad that you’re so busy replaying that night in your head, you can barely pay attention to the practice tests. You’re mad that, right now, sitting at the spot you guys always sat at in the library, you don’t have him. And you’re terrified of the creeping thought that you never really did.

By the time the midterm does come around, you’re exhausted. Not from studying or lack of sleep, but just from the sheer willpower it’s taken all week to not think about Jeonghan. You feel oddly calm going into the exam, the usual anxious chatter of students around you and rattling of chairs and pencils, not freaking you out as much as it normally would. You take the midterm, one question at a time, just as Jeonghan instructed you to do with every homework and every quiz. And then, 40 minutes in, you finish. Astonishingly, you even have enough time left to check over your work. So you do, fixing minor rounding and calculation errors, until you’re faced again with a completed exam and 15 minutes left.

You get to do something you haven’t done since high school: you turn it in early.

—

You spend the rest of that day in between your bed and your couch, struggling even more now than before to ignore thoughts of Jeonghan and your last conversation with him. For the past several weeks, Thursday afternoons were monopolized by Jeonghan, but today, watching the sun set outside your window, you’ve spent it all alone. The finality of what happened last weekend finally hits you: you might never speak to Jeonghan again. You really did ruin it. Suddenly, the urge to weep overcomes you. You turn on the tv instead, looking for a movie to watch. And of course it must be fate's petty joke on you that the first movie that pops up is the one you watched with Jeonghan after your date. You groan into your pillow before switching to something else.

By the time the movie is almost over and the sun has fully set, your phone rings. You had been checking it obsessively earlier and had therefore set it a bit farther away from where you were sitting. But at the sound of the ring, you’re ashamed to admit that you literally leapt for it. Your mind reads the caller id and is instantly flooded with an odd mix of relief and anxiety. Jeonghan is calling. Holy shit, Jeonghan is calling.

Your voice is shaky when you answer. “Hello?”

“Hey, this is Jeonghan’s partner right?” Your mouth parts at the voice that most definitely does not belong to Jeonghan. Who is this man? Why does he have Jeonghan’s phone? Why does it hurt your heart so much when he calls you Jeonghan’s partner? You must sit in your shock for too long because the mystery caller speaks again, sounding somewhat annoyed. “This is Seungcheol from the team. This is who I think it is, right? Because your number was saved as ‘my cutie’ with like a million heart emojis, so if not, this is about to get really awkward.” You have no idea how to respond to that. Finally, Seungcheol says your name. “This is you, right?”

You inhale sharply. “Yeah, uhm, sorry yes. Is everything alright? Aren’t you guys at practice right now?”

“Yeah, well we’re about to end, but here’s the thing…” Seungcheol then explains how terribly Jeonghan’s been playing this week, overly aggressive, missing every pass, fucking up every cross. And today, halfway through practice he hurt his shoulder and the coach sat him out entirely, forcing him to sit on the sidelines and just watch. Safe to say, this did not go over well with him, and he’s been laying down on the bench head buried in his arms, snapping at everyone who approaches him ever since. Seungcheol had to use a fake emergency bathroom break as a chance to run away to the locker room and make this call. “Do you know what’s going on with him?”

Of course you know, and it’s all your fault. You really did ruin everything with one kiss. “I–”

“Fuck, I’m running out of time. Never mind that.” Seungcheol says, cutting you off. “Can you just come down and be here, when we get off practice? Jeonghan drove over so you both can take his car back, but I think he just really needs someone here with him today.”

You wince. “Seungcheol, actually, I–”

“No, no, please. You don’t understand. I think I saw him crying on the bench. He needs you. Come.” Then after a slight hesitation he adds, “If you can. Please.”

You don’t even know what to say, but it doesn’t matter because just then the call ends. You stare at your phone, considering the options. Stay here and wallow. Or go, and try to salvage everything you’ve broken. And while you are a very accomplished wallower, you know which one you have to do. You drag your feet all the way over to your room to change.

You pace outside the field waiting for them, running through every possible scenario in your head. It does nothing, only worsening the condition of your already ailing heart. You drop down onto the curb, holding your head in your hands. Maybe he won’t even see you like this. You can’t tell if you prefer or hate that possibility.

Something bumps into your back. You look up and find Jeonghan staring down at you. You stand up so quickly your head starts to spin. Looking at him, you realize that this is the longest you’ve gone without seeing or talking to each other since meeting. You hated every second of it. But you think you might hate the look on his face right now more.

“What are you doing here?” He asks, words devoid of all the little quirks that make him him.

“Seungcheol called me.”

His face twitches. “Why?”

“He said that you–” you halt, selfishly wondering if it’s too late to abandon this ship. “How’s your shoulder?”

He looks at it, rolling it out once. He shrugs. “It’s fine now.”

You nod.

He then surprises you by asking: “How was your midterm?” Your eyes widen, searching his face for… you’re not even sure what. You don’t find it anyways.

You shift your weight uncomfortably. “It went well actually.”

He nods.

“Do you want a ride back?

He scoffs quietly. You flinch. “Can you even drive?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“How would you get back to yours?”

“I don’t know. Walk. Or maybe a bus. Or I could even–”

He doesn’t even let you finish. Voice raising when he asks again, “Why are you here?”

The words come out before you can stop them, tone matching his. “Because I’m sorry!”

“For what?”

“For kissing you!” He drops his duffle bag on the floor. “I don’t know!”

He parts his lips, inhaling as if to speak, but then he looks straight in your eyes and loses every word he might’ve wanted to say. He picks up his duffle and walks over to his car. “Jeonghan, please say something. I miss you, and I hate this. I just want to at least talk about what happened before we never speak again.”

He shoves his bag into the backseat and slams the door shut. He points to the car. “You coming?”

“Where?”

“I’ll drop you home.”

You don’t even know why you let him, but you do, sliding in the passenger seat and waiting until the car is started and moving to say something.

Or at least, that was the plan. But then you lose all the nerves you built up on your walk over and keep quiet the entire drive back to your place. It’s only when he stops in front of yours, ignition shutting off, that they build back enough for you to say, “Jeonghan, I–”

“I’m not mad because of the kiss.” He finally says, voice much softer than before. His eyes stay trained on the dashboard. “The kiss was…” He chokes on the word while the tiniest of smiles breaks like light after a storm on his face. “The kiss was perfect.” Your stomach momentarily turns into a gymnast. “I’m not even mad at all. I’m just,” You lean in after the words, as if waiting to catch them in your hands. He shakes his head once and then turns to look at you fully. “I’m upset because you think this has all been fake when, if I’m being brutally honest, I haven’t been faking anything since that first party.”

Oh.

Oh.

Holy fucking shit.

He chuckles darkly, hitting his head lightly against the steering wheel. “Now, I know what it feels like to be on the opposite end of this.”

You can’t help yourself. “How is it?”

He groans. “It’s like a thousand stomach aches throughout your entire body.”

You want to take him out of his misery, but, “I don’t know what to say.”

“Don’t say anything.”

“I don’t think–”

“No, I’m serious.” He mutters. He looks pained. “Remember when you said that I can’t say no to people? This is it. I’m saying no.” He smiles at you, but you know his eyes too well and you know when there’s nothing in them. His breath catches. “I’m really happy about your midterm. I always knew you didn’t need me.”

He looks away after that, turning the car back on, an obvious signal for you to get out. Selfishly, you don’t. You take two more seconds to stare at his face, his eyes, his hair, his hands. Then you unbuckle your seatbelt and step out of the car.

He doesn’t wait long before he drives away.

You walk back up to your dorm in a stupor of sorts. You unlock the door, step through the kitchen, walk like a zombie to your room, and stare at yourself in the mirror. Your eyes travel over your whole frame, and for some reason they fall to rest at your neck. More specifically, your necklace.

You’re out of the door, running before you even know it. Breathlessly, turning onto the road that leads to the opposite side of campus. 30 minutes away. This of course turns out to be a terrible, terrible idea. You do not run. But you get there eventually. Speed walking up to the door of Jeonghan’s frat house and knocking vigorously.

Soonyoung happens to be the one that opens it. “Oh, hey! How was your–Why can’t you breathe?”

You ignore him. “Is Jeonghan here?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t think he’s back from practice yet. Why? What happened? Did you guys make up yet?”

“No, but, Soonyoung, I’ve been so stupid. This whole time I kept gabbing on and on, but I was blind. It was him. It was always–”

You hear a familiar voice say your name. Not just familiar. Your favorite voice. You turn to face him.

And you can’t help it, you grin.

You’re distantly aware of Soonyoung closing the door behind you.

“How did you get here?”

“I ran.” He makes a face. “Well, partly.”

“I told you to–”

“I know what you said.”

“Fine.” He sighs. “I didn’t–well, not like this, but listen. It’s okay if you don’t care–”

“But the thing is Jeonghan,” you say, the sentences and words you had prepared on the way over blurring together all in a rush to get out of your head and into his, “I do. There was no one looking at you at Jenny’s party. I kissed you because I wanted to. Because I wanted it. I hate sports. Really, ask Soonyoung, but I went and watched your game and had fun because you asked me to and because I don’t have the capacity to actually say no to your face. I thought I hated that smirk you do, but really I just hate how flustered it makes me feel. And I’m sorry that I took the whole young and stupid thing too close to heart, but,” you pull the matching necklace out from under your shirt. “If I didn’t care, would I still be wearing this? Would I be able to stand here and tell you and I haven’t taken it off since we bought it? And that that date was the best date I’ve ever been on.” You let go of the necklace, inhaling sharply. “I care, Jeonghan.” Then, as if it needs to be clarified, you add, “about you.”

You stare at him, waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

He turns around, takes two steps away from you, and then immediately plops his ass on the ground. You hear a whimper. “I thought I was going to lose you.” You approach him slowly, like a cat you’re trying like hell not to scare. You kneel down on the pavement beside him. He wipes his tears. “Don’t laugh.” He cries, already sensing the one bubbling in your throat. You shake your head as a swear not to. Which you break a second after the fact, turning your head to the side, desperately trying to hide it behind your hand. “Bully!” He exclaims.

“No. No.” You say, composing yourself and turning back to him. His tears are wiped, but a pout remains on his face. You cup your hands against his cheeks. “It’s just really cute.”

“It’s embarrassing.” He huffs.

You shake your head. “I love it.” Then you kiss him. It’s a slow and sweet kiss. You relish in it. There’s no rush anymore. No deadline. He isn’t going anywhere. Neither are you. You have all the time in the world with him.

[cardboardclownery]

[ SWAGGER COLLAGE TUTORIAL OR SMTH ]

Woaaaaaaah we got a special one today folks-

My dear buddy chum pal broski bestie asked me to teach it how i do my collage-y lookin art, and i figured i might as well make it available to anyone else who wants to know B]

Quick disclaimer: im not the best at explaining stuff, and also am not a professional or anything!! Listen to me or dont, these are all merely what i do when i make this kind of stuff-

Oh, and ill post the full spread im making here separately for anyone whos interested in that rather than this guide thingy :P

Since i usually like making more cohesive spreads with a certain theme or subject, i like doodling potential drawings i could use in the spread before starting!! This is very much optional, but helps a bit in case youre worried about having no ideas when you go straight into drawing. You can even plan out where youre gonna put different drawings on the page if ya want!! :]

After that, i rummage through my Trash Box for trash that matches my vision for the spread,, if ya catch my drift B]

For this one, since im making matching spreads for disposable girl and irreverent girl (weevildoing swag yknow yknow), i picked out some hot topic tags and stuff, a few tags from clothes that looked fitting, and a pretty bit of a pokemon tcg deck box i saved!! I mostly just went off of vibes and colors this time, but you can go off of whatever feels right when youre picking collage stuff -v-

Oh, and if you plan on trying out a lot of collage stuff, COLLECT SO MUCH TRASH. Find a bag, a box, anything to hold some fun looking wrappers and junk you could use. Be sure to clean anything used to hold food though, ants dont make good collage bits,, usually,,,

Now, the natural next step: gluing that junk on!! Generally its good to have some sort of pattern for how you glue your base collage bits down, like sticking to certain parts of the paper, or making a shape, using a color sequence,, though just slapping stuff on until it works for you also goes pretty well in the end if youre into spontaneity! Just trust the process and go with the flow and all that-

Oh yeah, and collage includes more than junk yknow!! You can use different kinds of paper, stationary like sticky notes and stuff, anything to add some variety in texture BP

Now for the fun bit!! Well, i find all the steps pretty fun, but the drawing part is probably the most fun for you lovely readers ;]

Not much to say here, just do whatever youd do with a typical drawing/page! I recommend trying to fill most/all of the spaces you left blank (if any) when gluing stuff down. Working around all the collage may serve as a challenge, but its not tooooo annoying once youve gotten a feel for it. You can also add some more collage here if you want -v-

Finally, the second best part (in my humble opinion): the stickers!! I usually do this last, but the order probably doesnt matter? Just kinda,, put stickers on wherever!! Try layering them, or covering doodles with them, or making new pictures with them, go CRAZY WITH STICKERS!! You can also use some paint pens or gel pens to add a little pizazz,,

Once youve bedazzled to your heart’s content, you can add any other details and finishing touches you deem necessary, and v o i l a, youve got a collage!!

Dont worry too much about things looking “right”! Ive found that art is a ton more fun when im not stressing out over how clean my work looks, its all about having fun and expressing yourself!! If something looks a bit wonky, or you think you glued something in a weird spot but cant change it, keep rollin with it! With collage in this style, mistakes are kinda part of the experience, so dont worry yourself too much if things dont go as planned

Hope this was atleast somewhat handy!! Lemme know if you want another tutorial like this or something idk-

[theyassificationofbrunomadrigal]

general madrigal family neurodiversity/lgbt headcanons based on observation

disclaimer: im not throwing labels around all over the place. the majority of these characters in my eyes are pretty much straight and neurotypical, because a lot of the reasons people headcanon them with other things are for reasons that have more of a reflection and people are instead misinterpreting it for something else. im taking note of everything that makes me think “is this a mental illness/gay/gender thing or is this a cultural thing?”

- abuela obviously has ptsd. she was forced out of her home and watched her husband die in front of her while holding three infants that she had to raise alone. other than that i dont see anything else. i believe that she is straight and there is no way for her to be anything other than cis.

- pepa is a little neurodivergent, but im not sure in which way. her emotions are /extremely/ erratic, especially for a person who focuses a lot of her energy on leveling it. she is cis, as proven in the flashbacks to the triplets receiving their doors. i headcanon her as straight but i wont argue with people who claim she is bi.

- bruno is the most obviously mentally ill character. even before the wall decade, his description reflects a lot of traits that carried over to his time in the walls. so its safe to assume not much changed about hi,, he just got a lot more depressed. that being said,the most obvious one is definitely ocd. while his rituals are definitely a reflection of his culture, the amount in which he does them and the rhythmic and repeated way that he acts them out doesnt seem very normal. they seem like compulsive rituals that have gone from a way to ward off bad luck to something he needs to do to prevent the crippling anxiety of something enormously bad happening. he also very much shows quite a bit of symptoms for anxiety and depression, especially in the ways he copes with his situation. lastly, he is most definitely on the spectrum. he has a bit of a hard time with people skills, coming off as creepy or weird or a bad luck charm. in reality he just doesn’t really understand social skills and is very literal with his actions and words. he has a hard time putting himself in others shoes, he sees the world through his eyes only even though he does understand why people see him the way they see him. he just doesnt know how to confront it. also the way his sentences are strung together???? this man is AUTISTIC. i headcanon him as either a gay man or ace aro. i won’t argue with people who see him as bi or straight but i have to say. i cannot even fathom that man being attracted to a woman. i dont know what it is about him but like i cant see him being attracted to anything other than another man, if he can even feel that type of attraction at all. again could totally see him as just. none of it. no attraction thanks. he is cis, as proven with flashbacks to when he received his door.

- julieta is neurotypical, cis, and straight from my observations. and no this does not make her less lovable tumblr just has a habit of being biased to neurodivergent and lgbt characters. we love u for who u are mama julieta.

- félix and agustín cis, they literally have biological children, and i didnt get enough information on them to deduce much for their neurodiversity. i don’t really have a sexuality headcanon for either of them, i just know they love their wives more than life itself. what good lads. we love félix and agustín madrigal.

- isabela is neurotypical, cis, and straight. maybe bi. she is not a lesbian because the reasoning for that that everyone is giving is that she didnt wanna marry mariano. SHE DIDNT WANNA MARRY HIM BECAUSE IT WAS AN ARRANGED FUCKING MARRIAGE NOT BECAUSE SHE WAS GAY. headcanon whatever you want but PLEASE dont erase that part of her character as it is a very important part of her culture.

- luisa is not trans. luisa is not trans. LUISA IS NOT TRANS. all these latina women and you headcanon the one that looks the least feminine as trans. come on. you dont need an expert to see the kind of cultural erasure that is ensuing. i dont have a sexuality headcanon for her either i dont care. she is possibly autistic. you can see it in her communication skills ESPECIALLY and her emotional fluctuations. however it could just be a sign of sensitivity.

-mirabel is cis. i dunno man i just dont think shes anything else. she probably has adhd, seen especially in the certain breed of “thinking out loud” that she has. i don’t really have a sexuality headcanon for her either. i do like the idea of her being bi!

- dolores is cis and straight. however i think her gift causes some mental issues for her. i dont know WHAT she has but her brain is a little funky due to the amount of overstimulation she has experienced for the past 17 years. she moves in a very robotic way almost. she’s got somethin.

- camilo is neurotypical but definitely has gender issues. hes the only one i headcanon with gender issues. and its not just because his character design is a 15 year old pretty boy that looks like hes wearing makeup. his gift has probably given him the biggest identity crisis of not knowing who he is. hes been constantly told to be other people to be useful that he probably doesnt think the real camilo has much significance, so this creates a lot of identity issues. he is definitely bi. look at him.

- antonio is five years old. (i do not see anything neurodivergent about him though)

anyways! heres my fun little thoughts do with this as you please

[psychoticallytrans]

hi i hope this isnt a weird question to ask but. uhm tomorrow i have to tell my therapist about a maybe-psychotic-depression episode i had last week and im like, Nervous:tm: and unsure how or what to say? this is probably So stupid to ask but is there. i dont know. a script for this kind of thing, a limit to what i should disclose (im trying to avoid institutionalization, im in college and i cant afford to miss class)? therapy in general is new to me and while ive maybe had episodes like this in the past, the one i had last week was a new level of intense, too, so im just very out of my depth. thank you so much if you reply to this and if you cant thats okay too <3

This took me a long time to get around to. This probably won't help you in particular, anon, but I hope it helps others.

I will disclaim before this post that I have had extremely traumatic experiences in therapy. I came out of therapy with more disabilities and more severe ones than when I went in, and at least one of my therapists can be pinned as a direct cause. That will color this post.

The problem of therapy and disclosure is that... therapists are people, and they are people whose word holds an incredible amount of sway when considering how to act in regards to their clients. That sway is a problem because of how ableism and specifically saneism interact with the medical industry and with society. We are not seen as arbiters of our experiences. They are seen as the authorities on us. Everything you disclose will be filtered through the therapist, all of their prejudices and preconceptions, before it becomes something that the medical system will take seriously.

Amplifying this is the unavailability of therapy and how very few therapists are also mentally ill. If they are, it's even rarer to find one with a disorder that is considered "threatening"- for a reason. The inventor of DBT was BPD, and the second she revealed this, she was essentially exiled from her community. This means, in order, that a) a lot of people have to either adapt to their therapist or go without therapy and b) that therapists can very rarely actually relate to the experiences of clients that need heavy-duty help.

They might be presented as cutesy and "just here to help", but therapists are still medical professionals administering medical treatment with medical authority, and should be treated by disabled people with every caution that you treat a normal doctor with.

As such, this is my advice.

a) Don't disclose any heavy duty symptoms or trauma until you've tested them on some lighter topics, and they've handled them well. "Well" means not denying your experiences, respecting boundaries that you put up, and not acting like mental illness being in your head means you can think yourself well in a few hours. To define "heavy duty" generally, think about what you would put behind a trigger warning for an audience of adults.

b) Don't sign anything without reading it in full. If you don't understand it, tell them you need time to understand it before you can sign it. If they respond to this by telling you to just sign it or that it's not important, that should send alarm bells clanging in your head.

c) Request your medical record. Even if you're not concerned about your therapist, it lets you see their notes. It can be very informative.

d) If they pass as a decent person, then only one disclosure should get you institutionalization: confessing that you are going to hurt yourself or another person. If you can't afford institutionalization, and this is a problem for you, then you are going to have to find ways to deal with that without telling your therapist that. This is actually very easy. As long as you don't tell them that the feeling is current, you can ask for advice. "I sometimes have problems with wanting to hurt myself. Can you help me?" or "I worry that I might do harm to other people- what can I do to avoid that?" are great ways to phrase it that should still get you help as long as you can keep them in the past or future tense. If either of these is an active problem for you, seek whatever help you safely can.

e) Understand that therapy is medical treatment. It is very possible to perform great healing with it. It is also very possible to perform great medical malpractice.

You only have one mind. Be careful who you trust with it.

[hjeojeo]

some thought processing and venting i guess :C

thinking about how

i wish there was an opposite version of tumblr blaze

where you can tell tumblr that

after this many notes, take it off of people’s dashboards, make it unavailable to reblog and spread

I guess it just seems kind of unsettling if yer posts suddenly takes off and you get sudden load of attention that you haven’t even begun to process through yet

maybe i just have weird remaining bad feelings after all my fe3h fanart took off on twitter and with the attention came a lot of unexpected stress and pressure and just overall getting dragged into stuff/discourse that i never participated in

but maybe it’ll just inherently be different on tumblr

I love being able to enjoy games/shows with other people and share the fanart i make but attention ended up being bad news when it came to fanart

also I’m really sorry if this is like me being so stuck in my own head that it’s just mean towards other people. especially since i can see how like if any of the new ppl who just started following this blog cause of my recent hyperfixation with arknights read this, it might come off as if i am angry towards them specifically

but i think it’s more of like an issue regarding the state of my mental health. my own responsibility with it.

I really appreciate the love and support for the fanart i make, im just trying to figure out how to handle the paranoid feeling that bad stress stuff will follow after.

and also the fear of like another hyperfixation being broken again. I never knew that you could like lose a hyperfixation, but with fe3h i learned that oh it is possible enough stress gets associated with it and no matter how much i love it, it’s hard to interact with it again. I’m slowly rehabilitating my love for fe3h again, but it’s...slow..and different.

and i guess i just dont want to have to deal with that again with arknights i just wanna...

enjoy it and like be able to lowkey relax in a community with other ppl who love it, but like not as the center of attention

.__. fe3h was also where i learned about how some ppl consider certain fanartist as “fandom gods” and oh my god. it’s so fucking weird.

individuals aren’t meant to be put on pedestals no one exist to be yer perfect person who makes yer favorite art

i just wanna be more like part of the crowd where we’re appreciating the presence of one another, but understand that we got our own lives and our own directions we’re headed, that we’re not like meant to just permanently stick together. it’s more like a river and everything always flowing and changing

--

i also have been slowly like processing through like

what hyperfixations are too. (also disclaimer that i use this word specifically as a neurodivergent term bc i have adhd)

i didn’t really know what to really consider it. maybe largely bc growing up, i wasn’t allowed my own interests and it was like heavily discouraged + i was physically and emotionally punished for it too. so it wasn’t until my mid 20′s (like roughly when i was 24-25 ish) that i started to more actively push myself to acknolwedge and pursue my interests, to see them as valid ways to spend my time.

so whenever i do get an active hyperfixation, it means a lot to me. bc it’s so nice to be able to enjoy something that my brain’s willing to soak up so immediately (instead of shutting down bc of information overload)

and the creative part of it where i fill in the blanks or think of my own interpretations etc, it’s so fun and really fills me with a very specific kind of joy

the joy of being able to enjoy something so carefully made but also the joy of like knowing how much i am like letting myself just have individualistic thoughts and preferences and ideas, etc

i guess if you made it to the end here, thanks for reading my brain washing machine going round and round haha :)