#im not even on ritalin is this what im really like

[shoveitevil]

ughghhgggh whats wrong with me

[jupiterjunebug]

Im struggling to say this in a way that doesnt sound. Mean. But the number of people from the us who didnt realize T is a schedule iii substance and you can go to jail for multiple years if you have it without an active valid prescription OR share it with ANYONE and pharmas can straight up lose their license for giving you more than a measly amount is...really telling as to how disconnected most people on tumblr are from actual trans coalition building. The actual activist groups ive joined, even online, discuss this regularly because part of most actual activism spaces is making sure everyone is on the same page as to what oppression looks like for EACH of us so we can keep lifting each other up.

Yes. Getting T is difficult, way more difficult than E. You will go to jail if you get it illegally. You will go to jail if you share it and the government finds out. Dicking around with controlled substances can get you locked out of getting OTHER controlled substances (like vicoden, like ritalin, like xanax) if youre caught. Please educate yourself on the process of it so you can tell your little transmasc brothers what they need to do, the same way we should all educate our sisters on how their doctors might not tell them about progesterone so they should ask. We will be able to move forward together, but only if were together.

[puppyfriedrice]

Back in 2010 during my freshman semester I met a guy who became one of my best friends and crushes even though he wasn't my usual 'type'...aaand I also thought I "knew" that I wasn't his type. A few months later my friend group threw a fancy dress pizza party-

Here's Coop's perspective of that night:

People were either poor or food humble (like this small amount is enough) or healthy or something so whenever there was a party I never got to eat as much as I wanted. Luckily most events like that were at night when most of the Ritalin was out of my system. But even Friday movie nights with dominos I wasn’t allowed to have too much.

Combined that with flashing forward to that first year at [redacted] when my relationship with food was finally stating to change. Always having an appetite. Enjoying more foods and flavors and branching out, feeling like a grown ass adult and having my own money so I could buy and eat whatever I wants in as large a quantity as I wanted.

I had a huge crush on you. Everything. I was drawn to to your appearance the first day I saw you. Very physically attracted to you and then you started talking to me. You were nerdy and goofy like me and you actually listened to what I was saying and were actually interested in it too. You treated me like a person and it felt real and genuine and no one ever talked like that before.

That night at the 20’s party that black dress on you was fire! There was pizza and I had grabbed a few slices earlier and ate them but wanted more. I wasn’t sure I should go back for seconds but really wanted to. And it looked like so much food! So many different toppings! I was eyeing the pizza and I think I just took one more slice because that seemed fair and reasonable. That’s when you came in. It was that conference room near the lounge that they always played D&D in. You looked at me and this is as close to what i remember as possible:

You “Going for seconds?”

Me (possibly blushing a little when you said that) “Yeah I’m thinking about it. But I already had like 5 slices not too long ago.” (And pretty sure I mentioned the money thing) “and like i didn’t even pitch in for it so…you know….”

I don’t exactly remover what you said next. I remember the feelings in my head and body way more for some reason. You make have mentioned that you helped paid and didn’t give a fuck if I ate a whole nother box. Something about how I should eat when I feel hungry and then something along the lines of “dig in” “go for it” —something like that

You were so hot in that dress and your eyes were as bright as always and when you told me I could take another box I felt my face get hot and like my belly tingled like the cliche butterflies feeling. My heart was def pounding and it felt more than just being attracted to your personality and face/body.

It was what you had said about food in relation to me.

And that if im hungry I should just eat like it was just that simple.

No one had said stuff like that I mean I never really ate that much during the day cuz Ritalin but at nights I’d just binge and it made my parents worried so….basically I didn’t have a happy relationship with food.

And when you said that the way you said it all, I got flustered and turned on and I remember feeling confused about it. I remember I just put 4 more pizzas on my plate for eating a total of 10 in less than…maybe 30-60 mins? I said thanks to you and I think I walked back to my other friends

It was a nice and confusing feeling

[alarici]

matthalle, tbc?? (1,300 words)

(some was already posted) @neallo sorz im late

Nothing happens at an expensive pub in South London. The lights are low, dark wood and frosted glass. Vermouth distilled in the 80s. Loafers and calf leather Oxfords.

Matt’s chilled lager sweats in his hand.

Halle stares out the window. Another odd Tuesday. They’re both three drinks in.

It’s fine company.

—

Thing is, Matt has always been taken by vicious blondes. Call it a character flaw, a rule of his life. Since Mary in the first grade. Linda, Mello. Maybe the Amane chick was a bit of a departure, not so vicious, but just barely. A change of pace but not of theme.

And really, who could blame Matt’s blue balls, six months in a one-room with Mello. Lockdown, for the detox and even more for the mission, for fancying Amane’s pigtails and perky tits.

Halle is another beast altogether. Matt’s learned about her three older brothers. Military father, granddaughter of a minister. All-girl’s finishing school in Massachusetts, Oxford, Cambridge, UN, Interpol. Matt imagines she’s the type to wear vintage La Perla under her pantsuits. He knows her heels have red under soles, and that her perfume is worth more than his two year lease in Covent Garden.

She hasn’t let him verify the panties hunch. But to be fair, he hasn’t tried and hasn’t asked. They get along. Every elephant in the room can be shut out with booze, or blow, or chatting about this case or the weather in Nairobi, the coups in Bolivia, the semiconductor shortages, the latest episode of Doctor Who.

—

Nothing happens at the bar. Amongst the suits and the highballers, they talk. It's difficult to find someone else who's been through the same shit as you, these days. They're all dead.

Halle knew Mello. Matt knew Mello. Halle's beautiful. Matt's got a tender spot for beauty, being a mediocre creature of god surrounded by chosen ones and manmade smiles.

Something does change when Halle offers to take him running. Him. Running.

Asthmatic kid on the playground. Five years out from a coma and a collapsed lung and a bullet dug out of his thigh.

She says she'll go easy. He imagines she just wants to see him in pain.

So be it. His doctor tells him he needs to exercise. He's entered the latter half of his twenties. Things stick out, and his skin folds where it didn't used to. Which is great. But the Ritalin work the same anymore, and he's tired all the time.

Mainly, he just wants to watch Halle run in front of him. What is he without someone like that—running ahead, egging him on, prodding him or leading him until he's blue in the face. Blood on his tongue. Her firm ass far below eye level.

She smiles, and they set the date for Sunday. 9 AM. The devil's hour!

Matt, his beat up trainers, ratty gym shorts from the charity shop, long-sleeved T-shirt, Hyde Park.

Halle, gym shorts, hair in a tight ponytail, sports bra, no tank top.

It is August. It's also London—overcast, sky considering an afternoon shower.

At 9 AM, it's cool enough to bother with a shirt if she’d chosen to.

So Halle's first one-uppance is her abs. Matt hasn't had abs since he was wasting away in a hospital bed in Tokyo, still blissfully unaware that his friend-lover-boss had died. And still, those were coma abs. But Halle has her tanned skin in England. She smiles at him. He studies a freckle on the back of his hand.

"One lap. If you stop, I'm throwing you in the pond, Jeevas."

The case of the month involves a series of bodies washed up on the banks of the Thames. A rare one close to home. Matt's on standby—they don't need tech work for this, and he has a contract that says he doesn't have to do anything in the field. If Near doesn't dare venture out of his tower, why should he? He’s bored. Bodies in the Thames—what else is new?

The momentary crack of sunlight is oppressive. Halle's pace is punishing. The doctors in Japan had done a great job, so his English doctors said, at repairing the muscle in his inner thigh. They'd also told him, he, “wouldn't be running any marathons any time soon."

Halle knows. She's a bit of a cunt, Matt's learned.

He trots along.

If there's one thing two years semi-sober have taught him, it's that pain offers no worthy gain. It just sucks—but the alternative is what? Admitting defeat.

Matt’s been waving a white flag since he was twelve. This is supposed to be his second chance. A life. Standing in the presence of someone undeniably better, but still standing.

Ten meters before the end of the lab, he doubles over and hurls into a flowerbed, turns, and smiles up at her.

"Happy, you fucking übermensch?"

"I don't speak German." As though übermensch isn’t a loan word.

"You went to grade school there." Matt knows the gist of her story—military family. Childhood all over the world, and the dead sister. From an old German family that came to the U.S. at the dawn of World War Two.

"You don't speak Japanese." She counters. She knows he spent some time there. It’s not in his need-to-know file, but most of the group knows the outline of how he ended up working with Near five years after the end of the Kira case.

"I was only there for, like, a month. おはよう."

"Also, I went to grade school in the states."

"You can’t be German and work for the C.I.A," Matt quips. She’s American.

"I had noncitizen coworkers."

"Like, spies and defectors?"

"Yeah. If you can talk, you can run, Jeevas. We're going around again."

—

It happens, inevitably, when Matt’s still weak in the knees. He’s just taken a shower at Halle’s place—a beautiful loft with a waterfront view—and he’s sitting awkwardly on the edge of her bed wearing her—“my old boyfriend’s clothes.”

Her old boyfriend was clearly at least half a foot taller than Matt. His loungewear does not fit, but it’s clothes, and she offered a shower and clean towels.

When she gets out of the shower, she hasn’t changed.

He gives her the once-over.

“Man, you can just ask.”

“Good boys don’t talk back, Jeevas.”

“You didn’t say any—”

She drops the towel and smiles. “Aw, you’re still shaking from our run.”

He offers a lopsided smile, and stares at her breasts. They’re better without the fitted blouse, he decides. Her abs, still damp, are fun, too.

“So, what’s the safeword?” He asks, on the verge of reaching out to touch.

Halle looks about to slap his hand away. Instead, she smiles. Her K-9s are sharp. No surprise.

“My dog is well trained, no?” She reaches for his face, instead. Unchipped French nails gentle at his cheek.

“You decide.”

And that’s that.

—

Through their three month (and no longer) tryst, Matt learns that he likes being choked—of all the things, Mello never choked him. That the post-runner’s jitters—the endorphins—collide with the sex endorphins and leave him just plain happy. Halle makes fun of how much he smiles during scenes. When she’s choking him, when she’s on top of him, setting the pace, giving him nothing.

The best time is in Monaco. Matt tagged along on one of her assignments. Intel—it’s always intel. For a week, they look like the wet dream of a young couple on holiday. She picks out his clothes, dresses him like a fucking douchebag. Sends him to get a haircut.

They don’t go to any races. They only visit one casino, and that’s strictly business. The only place to take a jog in Monaco is the hotel’s luxury sports center. They pick side by side treadmills. She isn’t able to reach over to up his tempo. But she does give him a withering look when he slows. He doesn’t mind.

After dinners at hotel steakhouses or casino bars, they retire to their room. There is no being tied to bedframes or hot candle wax. Halle never uses anything besides her two hands. Long nails. Soft fingers, pressure points. Give and take.

They're both clever enough to know it can never last, but that's the fun part.

[dullahandyke]

Hang on actually before I hit post limit.pinned post so I can edit this and have my tumblr thoughts even tho I'm post limited

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6.40PM

Yup okay hit the post limit <3 new followers please know this is normal

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6.47PM

Anonymous asked: did they put bugs in him again

Yknow it's hard to tell but I think they might have. Guys we need to get riku dewormed again, this keeps happening to him :(

Anonymous asked: I forgot I had notifs turned on for your blog . Oopsie daisy

HAHAAAAAAAA ANON I CACKLED.... flattered u have urgent coverage on which large surface I'm thinking abt being slammed into at any given time but ig this is an object lesson in paying too much attention to me or something

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8.06PM

Listening to a queer history podcast and it's so funny they're explaining to me what yuri is... I know ❤

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8.14PM

on my laptop now bcos i gotta study for this stupid test..d. and then afterwards theres a powerpoint im actually rlly gonna enjoy presenting but i gotta facking put it together, augh

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8.51PM

niche complaint but it sucks shit when animanga do the 'character suddenly becomes hot as part of a daydream/joke' gag and they dont go full bishie. give that man a delicate jawline NOW!!!

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9.13PM

really happy with this sticker on my laptop. whenever im feeling down i just rememebr that this man got a lobotomy

[ID: a black frame meme featuring Hajime Hinata from Super Danganronpa 2 at the chapter 1 cabin party, smiling and holding a glass of orange juice. It is captioned, "This man, got a lobotomy.]

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9.18PM

whew im a sneezy girl. the sneezing sneasler. wait thats a pokemon. ritalin on friday unless i have a heart murmur

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9.37PM

@effervescentleaf asked:

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9.39PM

i know im constantly posting abt my beard but its still weird as hell to consider that i have a beard that other people can see. when people look at me they see androgyny. what the fuck. i keep being drawn to people with beards and make-up/long hair/jewelry/whatever the fuck else as my favourite examples of gender non-conformity and like. IM that. im that with my stupid eyeliner. what the shit

also that reminds me im not gonna have time to do my eyeliner before my class test tomorrow :/ now i Could just go without it bcos i'll have a presentation later in the day that i should probably be serious for. but where is the fun in that. i will be wearing a hawaiian shirt instead of a t-shirt and thats all that can be expected of me <3

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9.55PM

i probs need to eat a proper meal but the call of pop tarts it is so great.... sighhhh i got the bread out the freezer for soup so ill see if thats defrosted. and if not. squints. cup noodles. kinda want the cup noodles anyway but the soup is gonna expire soon so i gotta be fuckinnn responsible and nutritious or whatever

sidenote i kind of rlly enjoy having just one long ledger of posts all day. kind of fun

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11.51PM

Ugh fuck my gay life I gotta make a PowerPoint... I'm tired I'm a bit sick i gotta sleeeep... wanted to make it fancy but ig that's fucked :(

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12.01AM

I saw a video of a cat and now I miss bubbles :( bubblesssss... I'm going home tomorrow tho so I'll see her then :)

[bl00d4ndb0n3s]

if anyone has overcome addiction please i need some advice

i need really help but i can’t ask for it. if it keeps getting worse at this rate idk how much longer i’ll be here for. my addictions have been getting worse. i smoke cigarettes a lot more, but the main thing is the ritalin. i’m prescribed it and i started snorting it in may of this year only when im going out clubbing and partying. then there was a small break and then i started using it more and more not just when i went out partying, but when i went out during the day and at gigs. now, im using it every day and i cant do anything productive without it. last night i snorted some before work and all throughout the night. i finished the sheet i was on because i thought i had one more left. i also blew my nose and there was blood in my left nostril, just a small rip, but it was still blood. that made me want to stop completely and kinda scared me. today i woke up and immediately wanted some, so i went to check my box and it was empty and i immediately started freaking out and looking around my room. i thought i had one left but i didnt. i went downstairs and thank god my mum had bought two boxes last time so i snuck the other box upstairs past my mum. i’m supposed to be having 4 a day by mouth and sometimes i’ll snort 15. it makes me feel like shit after it wears off and i know that but i keep doing it. if i dont keep snorting it throughout the day i cant do anything i feel frozen. this is making me feel even more depressed and anxious and worthless, and i dont know what to do. i haven’t told any of my friends really and i really dont want to tell my parents. i am 18 but i still live with my parents and they buy all my medications. i’m thinking of moving out soon.

[triedpklove]

2, 6, 9 Akira

2 - Favorite canon thing about this character?

hes literally the embodiment of those posts that are like "no... it cant end here !!" but in a way wheres its like. hes just some kid who was put in an unfortunate situation that didnt even involve him. so it really makes you cheer him on.

6 - What's something you have in common with this character?

we both have such fucked up hands and wrists hes a disabled king to me. that and the adhd radiating from him is insane im going to give him some of my ritalin as a treat. adhd buddies

9 - Could you be roommates with this character?

honestly probably? he seems like a fun roommate. id probably end up mooching off of his rich parents sending him shit but i dont think hed care bc we would be good friends:) i could see us having a good time as we both have similar interests and are also going into the medical field kind of . (is psych a medical field. whatever

[tempertyzias]

waves. hi

both kinds! ADHD, C-PTSD, Myopia, TBI + possibly nerve damage from it, ME/CFS, RA, possibly some kind of OSDD

ough. my parents knew I was neurodivergent as a kid and chose not to do anything to help me or even tell me so ive only known I had ADHD / C-PTSD since like. freshman year when I figured it out myself and then pursued diagnoses. myopia set in around middle school, I got the TBI in late 2021, and ME/CFS + RA this year due to stress from an ex-partner. possible OSDD is REALLY new im still. working on that.

glasses / contact lenses, ritalin, compression gloves (I need compression sleeves for my knees and elbows more but I can't get them currently), and a walking cane. I have an acrylic charm on the wrist strap on my cane and I wrap bandanas around it too :9 also with old med bottles I put little LED string lights in em so theyre little lamps but I dunno if that counts

I know lots of disabled people irl my family is all neurodivergent but I only know two physically disabled people afaik, I think I know more disabled people irl than online though

I'm sure they do but I don't really know how

not. much. so far.

TBIs in general, I almost never see anyone talking about em? could be tumblrs broken search but I dunno

I love fursuiting but im also sensitive to high temperatures due to RA so now I can't suit for as long as I used to :(

I don't really measure my energy

Texting! I've never really texted people much in the past but my TBI effects my speech so now sometimes I will text people while interacting with them irl, its so much easier than talking

I don't really know how to gauge that but I do pretty well for myself I think?

mostly my mother is guilty of this, as much as I love her, she tries to focus on what improves / "fixes" my physical disabilities and she doesn't seem to get that there is no "fixing" it or even much improving it. her and lots of other people don't realize that I can, y'know, be happy and enjoy life while being disabled

my father constantly saying shit like "you're too young to be this frail" the man has no tact whatsoever

don't have answers for the last three but thank you for this! :9

disability pride ask game

I'm so sleepy but I have persisted anyway bc i am so brave

feel free to reblog, try and send an ask to the person you're reblogging from so the game doesn't die, and absolutely never be pressured to answer anything that feels too personal--this is about/inspiration for what you Want to share about disability and experiences being disabled, not what you feel like you have to! (also: this ask game is PRO SELF DX.)

what disability/ies do you have? (and are they mental, physical, or both?)

how long have you known you're disabled? does that match up with diagnosis?

what, if any, disability aids do you use? (mobility aids, sensory aids, braces, communicative devices, IVs, etc. meds also count here). do you customize them/their containers/outsides?

do you know any disabled people irl? what about online?

if you have multiple disabilities: do they affect each other? how?

what's something good that's come out of being disabled?

what's a struggle you wish more people talked about?

does your disability affect how you experience other parts of your identity? (gender, queerness, culture, even hobbies/life goals you're very passionate about)

how do you measure your energy? (spoons, battery, something else?)

whats something youve come up with or integrated into your life that makes disability easier, besides typical aids?

how would you label your support needs?

what's something (a struggle, a symptom, a weird phenomenon, or even a funny experience) people don't realize about your disability?

whats the most Abled Person Thing someone has said to you?

has there ever been a time where you felt solidarity/community with another disabled person in a situation with you?

what does disability pride mean to you?

free space to talk about whatever disability issue or experience you want !

[4thumbsup]

i need to just say no sometimes but i Love saying yes soooo much. i think my mum will know im lying, about going to tafe and it’s going to be horribly uncomfortable and i knew this would happen. will maybe tell her about tadhg but i seriously think it like it will feel like pulling teeth like i just don’t know how to and it’s so strange cause i don’t know if i even care what they think, no actually i do -but i know when they meet him it’ll be fine, he'll be great, also this current situation is super weird and i don’t know why everything always has to happen like this. my fault but also like if you know just say it I can't do this myself I need you to push me in.

In other news i’m beginning to believe the whole thing of feeling Completely uncertain about our relationship at all times is not going to budge much further than this, like i am At Least half the time convinced he does not like my personality and it's shit. I imagine him weighing my steadily amassing points against me to the dwindling stack of for’s.

get a backbone get some self worth.

i was kind of sad when i saw my mum today, not because of her, just was like, sentimental, nostalgic or whatever. things feel uncomfortable right now. everything is just a bit upsetting. Period? probably bc i ran out of ritalin. still ugh. I'm manually reminding myself my life is very good, but I just cant really feel much but like, shit.

I'm only doing weird shit like half the time, when I'm alone, it's not like a completely uncontrollable outburst then cause I won't do it when outside, but I'm not like choosing to do it, I DOnt THINK I AM at least, I DONT KNOW THOUGH! UGH i like would do somethign like that casuse i'm THE WORST and i romanticise mental illness and seek out attention in strange and unhealthy ways but also like i'm not fucking having a good time/// sort of, like i'm releasing something which is good for the angry/uncomfortable part of me, but I'm also inflicting something on and disrespecting the part of me that wants me to live peacefully and well and stuff

I want to get a therapist this year, I can't keep doing this shit it's dumb and it sucks

[lookoutjoe]

drug mention slash discussion under the cut

something i think about so much is i think it was graham in some csny book or other that i flipped through is that cocaine is like. not a social drug in the same way that weed is and that the shift of the drug of choice from grass to coke quickly turned into a sort of lost sense of togetherness because you can't like. pass a vial of coke around in the same way you can a joint and also because it makes you like a lotttt more paranoid and jittery and its like idk i've never actually done cocaine and i honestly dont see myself ever doing it but i am uh. i guess you could say coming off a couple straight months of amphetamine abuse and it started off purely as a way to stay awake longer adn get more school stuff done but eventually i did just be like oh well this will make me feel better or oh i feel really lonely but if i take this and go outside and ride my bike and take photos than i'll at least be able to find some meaning in isolation or WHATEVER and its like i did go through a period where i would take edibles like. not every night but a lot of the time to stop feeling like shit and i dont think it ever interfered with my function but its like i dont really feel like i could enjoy using weed as long as im basically socially isolated like it just makes me really want to chat with people and its like whats the point if im not around anyone... i mean most drugs make me really chatty if im not locked into smth else but like i cannot lock in on grass in the way i can on adderall or ritalin. like i just want to talk with everyone about my ideas and even if its just bullshit waxing and doesnt amount to anything its something i want to do. Anyways i took some robitusson for my cold as well so obviously im very chatty

[gothtopus108]

okay i need to rant about this stupid guy because i cant stop thinking about all of this shit

so, my boyfriend has this friend right and we have a LOT of common intrests, so we started talking about music we like ect ect, i didnt like him for a long time bc he made me anxious but i warmed up to him, eventually we got really close (at least i thought we were close) and now i've always had the problem of being way closer with people than they are with me, but I knew he pretty much had ducky, their other best friend, and pretty much no one else.

when we were talking it was a REALLY bad time in my life. Maybe one of the top worst, and I've had a lot of really shitty time. I'm bipolar, and i was balls-deep in a horrible mixed episode, i also was heavily restricting food and taking more ritalin than i am supposed to, so basically, i was in an insane hazy oblivion and basically just entierly zoned out but also really intense from the ritalin and mania. I was in the process of moving and trying to pack up all of my shit too and my parents were CONSTANTLY fighting also so badly it would wake me up from sleep when they got into it.

So we would talk for hours, texting until like 3am, mostly about will wood/other music artists we share obsessions with, but also a lot about life and our respective shitty mental health. Now, I was also convinced I was going to lose ducky, and i was going through yet another horrific mania-induced gender identity crisis. So, although he NEVER said anything about it, in retrospect I was defintly not being a normal human person in the way i was interacting with him. Its hard enough for me to interact normally, but throw in that shit-storm and I know i was being way too much for anyone to handle, let alone someone i only just started talking too

eventually, me and ducky did break up (thanks bpd)(we also got back together a few weeks later obvi) and I think the main thing i did was ranting to him, basically dumping my entiere thoughts while activly splitting on ducky. I think this was probally the final straw. The day ducky told him we broke up, he told me us talking "doesn't feel right" and he has not responed to a single text since then.

i asked him why, and nothing. it hurt almost as bad as breaking up with ducky, because at least with ducky we had talked about if for literal days before deciding to break up and we also kept talking as friends. I didnt text him for like two weeks and when I was in a much much better place mentally i reached out saying basically "hey im sorry for how i acted, i promise thats not how i normally am, you just need to be more firm with me on boundaries. also if you hate me please say that instead of just ghosting me" but nothing.

now heres the part thats fucking me up the most. I fucking TOLD him so many times how hard being ignored fucks me up. I told him that being ignored literally makes me suicicdal. I told him how i'd so much rather someone scream and yell at me, call me horrible names, even physically fucking hurt me than ignore me, yet he STILL refuses to even acknowledge me. He KNEW how i have absolutely NO friends but ducky, he KNEW i was in the worst time of my life, he KNEW all of my trauma around friendships ending, he KNEW ALL OF IT, but he still fucking ignores me. I hate it. I cant fucking stand it.

I JUST want to be his friend again so bad. I loved him he was so fun and we had so many common interests especially in things that ducky doesnt want to talk about as much with me. i just want him to tell me what i did wrong. I want him to be angry i want to hear everything i did wrong i want him to TELL me i cant stand him ignoring me it makes my skin crawl. Now ducky told me he blocked me which makes it even worse. I feel entierly out of control.

and the worst part is, ducky just says 'yeah he didn't handle it right, but your response to what he did is not his fault' when i tell him how hes making me actively suicidal. Like,, yes,, that is true,, but when i've told him how triggering it is, when i've told him about the time i attempted after someone stoped talking to me, when i text him begging him to text me back and he still wont, at what point does at least SOME blame fall on him? like if i had never told him any of that stuff and he was just oblivious to how triggering it is that would be one thing but NO, i fucking TOLD him SO many times.

im so upset and hurt and confused and angry and evberything feels so bad and i just know hes talking shit about me to ducky i know he is he thinks im a bad person and hes trying to convince ducky i am a bad person . i hat ehim somuch im so hurt and upset and i want to hurt myself i cant belive i even tried to be his friend i can ttak ethis

[boyslit]

are u really going to sit there and say diavolo and mammon are racist stereotypes and then go radio silent about simeon???? a literal angel?? whose only crimes at present are. what. being an absolute grandpa with technology? that’s adorable.

‘he’s darker to look more intimidating’ ‘mammon’s every antiblack racist caricature ever’ ‘*checks smudged note on hand* who’s simon’

nevermind diavolo is basically a gigantic puppy of a person? nevermind mammon bends over backwards to care about his brothers and you and diavolo despite not being able to communicate it properly and also fighting against the impulses of his sin?

like. sure? i guess? if you want to do a surface-level reading only. i think. maybe if that is what u are reading into it. maybe you want to look at why you are thinking these things and making these associations.

you know what. this doesn’t actually deserve all of my brainpower rn bc i’m just mad and my ritalin is wearing off. maybe ill address it later but honest to god i have to strain my brain to even think about racist associations beyond the whole ‘thief’ thing for mammon. maybe the ‘stupid’ thing? but he’s not? he’s impulsive and doesn’t think things through a lot??? and its mostly other people saying this, not him displaying it. he’s perfectly intelligent when something captures his focus. it might’ve been a devilgram but when satan tells him to think of the math problems in terms of money his brain snaps into focus and he’s done in like five minutes lol like. boy’s just got adhd, it’s an interest-based nervous system.

diavolo, intimidating. ok maybe when he’s trying. most princes are trained to be. idk what. stately? anyway his BUTLER is more intimidating than him. this man is a fucking golden retriever. i dont understand. are we playing the same game? ‘he’s darker to look more intimidating’ are u telling me YOU think people with darker skin are intimidating by virtue of being darker????

anyway. ugh i can feel my brain licking up the last crumbs of stimulant. im done

[racmune]

ok actually gonna talk about this i was thinking 2 heavy had to log back in for this post specifically excuse the rant yall :(

like i dont care for miss pauling being super serious etc but in the time between my initial autism hatred and now im willing 2 chalk that up to me making shit up/ extrapolating or whatevs

BUT SCOUT HAD MATURED! HE DID ALREADY! AND THAT IS WHAT TRULY HAS ME FUCKED UP ABT THE SCOUTPAULING BLUNDER . SCOUT BEING ALL LIKE "OMG I CAN FREAK IT WITH PRETTY WEMEN?!!>" JUST MISUNDERSTANDS HIS CHARACTER AND RELATIONSHIP TO MISS PAULING SO BAD AND IM SUCH AN ERM ACTUALLYING SCOUTPAULINGCEL AT THIS POINT BUT WHO GAF THIS IS MY TRUTH THE COMIC HURT ME LIKE NOBODY EVEN UNDERSTANDS HOW GRAVELY THIS WILL AFFECT THE POSTING ECONOMY

MY BOY DID NOT LIKE HER BECAUSE SHES JUST HOT AND THAT FUCKING SCENE IS GONNA MAKE ME HAVE DENTAL PROBLEMS , LIKE

//ritalin wearing off so excuse the extra tangents but like. in a way i sorta could tell it was kinda already coming to this? im not sure where i can find screenshots but i was talking about the scene with god in the 6th comic where he wants scout 2 fuck insane styles all over the place and how it undermined a lot of what was important to his interest in miss pauling and that he was growing to chill tf out at her earlier in the comic when he met up with her and gave her that hug etc. i understand what theyre trying to do/say with their relationship in this story NOW but it just doesnt really work for me in the same way still. for obvious reasons .. well. who cares scoutpauling 4life what ru a COP get OUT OF MY HOUSE//

miss pauling in the mainline comics isnt into him but it doesnt change the fact that scout genuinely loved her regardless, EXP DATE WOULD NEVER DO THIS TO ME LIKE. exp date shows that hes been around , HE IS OUT HERE FUCKING MISS PAULING IS NOT THE ONLY WOMAN HES EVER MET IN HIS LIFE

//like i get in the mainline comics they treat him as a virgin or whatever but i think it just oversimplifies who he is and the comics often dumb him down worse than he really is but also i made up things in my mind so i should shut up. I wont.//

HE DOESNT STICK AROUND AND TRY TO DO NICE STUFF FOR HER JUST CUZ HE WANTS TO GET IN HER PANTS CUZ SHES HOT. HE COULD PICK UP HOT WOMEN VIA BUCKET OF CHICKEN VERY EASILY BUT WHEN IT COMES DOWN TO IN A TUMOR RELATED DEATH SITUATION HE WANTS TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL BECAUSE SHE IS IMPORTANT TO HIM SPECIFICALLY. MY MAN COULDVE DECIDED TO LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE WITH HIS ASSUMED TO BE DWINDLING TIME BUT DECIDED NOT TO.

HE LIKES HER FOR DEEPER REASONS . HE LIKES THAT SHES SMART AND PUT TOGETHER AND NICE LIKE HE SINCERELY WOULDNT SAY ALLAT SHIT TO SPY IF HE DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE HE IS THE WORLDS MOST REVOLTING AUTISTIC WARRIOR IF HE WAS JUST IN IT FOR COOCHIE HE WOULD MAKE IT ABUNDANTLY CLEAR LIKE COME ON. MATTER OF FACT - HE DOES! IN THEIR FIRST SCENE THEY ARE IN TOGETHER! AND YET! HE MATURES!

LIKE

HE GROWS TO NOT JUST WANNA HIT ON HER, HIS LAST WISH IS LEGIT TO ONLY GO ON A DATE WITH HER, NOTHING MORE THAN THAT. VOLUMES ARE STORED WITHIN THAT WEIRD GUY AND LIKE GUHHHHHHHHHHHH

IN MY MINDS EYE HIS PERSONA OF MASCULINITY IS HEAVILY TIED TO TIRED MISOGYNISTIC IDEAS OF WOMEN JUST BEING THERE FOR SEXUAL CONQUEST AND THAT IN TURN FEEDS HIS EGO

IT IS FACKING HUGE FOR HIS CHARACTER THAT HE CARES MORE ABOUT HER FEELINGS AND DOING THINGS RIGHT N TAKING SHIT SLOW THAN JUST GETTING LAID AND ITS BOTH BIG FOR HIM GROWING AS A PERSON WITHIN HIS MISOGYNY AND ALSO HIS TOXIC MASCULINITY ETC

HE HAS TO HAVE HAD A DEEPER REASONING TO DO ALL THE SHIT HE DID THAN "HOT",MAN.

I LIKE 2 BELIEVE THAT WORKING MORE WITH MISS PAULING AND TREATING HER AS AN EQUAL IN THE TEAM POST MEET THE DIRECTOR ALLOWS HIM TO SEE MORE OF HER AND SHE BECOMES A HUMAN BEING 2HIM INSTEAD OF JUST A OBJECT AND HE BEGINS TO GARNER DEEPER EMOTIONS..

//2me scout is if the american psycho was both just some dude and also if he had the capacity to just take a fuckin pill like. im way blowing shit out of proportion to what im supposed to read from but im just throwing every thought around who give a fuck like. i think in terms of the chicken girl and the assumed other women like her like the sex would be shit on account of. its not really about any feeling or want in particular so much as just a way to feel like hes portraying The Guy as well as possible. you know what i mean. him starting to want a deeper connection than superficial bullshit is mega humongous and it speaks volumes to the importance of his love for her to his character. you know. Do you understand. //

LIKE FUCK

THATS ALSO WHAT FUCKS ME UP SO BADLY ABOUT HOW HE TALKS ABOUT HIS LOVE FOR PAULING TOO

LIKE ITS NOT JUST HIM TRYING TO WEAR HER DOWN ,

HE GROWS OUT OF HIS SHIT.

THE WHOLE POINT WAS THAT HE SEES HER AS A PERSON AND DEVELOPS A DEEP RESPECT FOR HER AND HER OWN CHOICES . WAITING FOR HER TO LOVE HIM BECOMES SECONDHAND TO THE IMPORTANCE BECOMES THE CONNECTION HE HAS TO HER REGARDLESS OF WHAT IT IS. I CANT LIKE. COME ON YALL

its okay. im letting peace into my mind. scout is just a silly man and i never even care about fiction to much at all and. florence isnt a shit name for miss pauling i was just mad :,( .though she will always be faline to me because her cuteness :)

//i was right about scout being dilf material though so i take the w on that one//

I like to think Scout and Flo Pauling eventually get together in the future, it's just they weren't ready at the time since Scout was immature and Flo had too much going on mentally to pursue any relationship.

like the thing is tha y scouuts hole character axrc is abput growing 2 undetaymad this and underatnad her serspective and waiti but they dont ducki g rite that cuz who gaf idek man

they shoulve hirwd me as lead scoutpauling xonsultant i couldve saved tf2 comic 7

[peachyteabuck]

This is a very long reflection post so read if you want to. It’s very word vomity though so watch out

I’m doing an no-buy year, which has quickly morphed into a low-buy year. I’m 21, my partner is 22, and we’re still coming into our own. How can we do a no-buy year when our essentials include measuring spoons and stuff for work? I’m still building my wardrobe. They’re still building theirs. It��s not possible to stave off all buying, in all honesty. However, the low-buy year is going well. Rocket Money is the tool we’re using to keep track of spending. The app isn’t perfect (I’m a freelancer, so keeping track of my income is a nightmare) and i make a lot of purchases that I just charge them 1/2 for, so I’m not sure how much of the spending is accurate. But i think it’s going well. The issue is it takes a lot of time. So much fucking time. To plan out grocery lists and crock pot meals and lunches and strategically buying wardrobe choices. It also sucks when I buy pants for example and they just don’t fucking fit. I want to be body neutral, and appreciate my body for all that it can do, but it’s hard when I try to express that via my dollars and it blows back in my face. Even big bud press pants have their issues, and theyre the only pants i wear regularly

I’m started to realizing i can’t have everything i want in terms of what i want to do. There literally is not enough time. Every day i finish 99% of what i want to leaves me physically wrecked. My brain cannot fit that much stuff in it. I can’t read the books I want because i want to give them time/attention and i just fucking can’t. I hate delegating tasks and asking for help, and when my PCP tried to send me to collections i literally begged my mom to help me. I’m glad she/my stepmom were able to, but that was such a massive blow. Hyper independence is a fucking joke, which sucks.

I need to write more. It makes me feel better. I have commissions to finish. But writing fills me with dread because i hate everything I write. I just want to write and finish things but I literally fucking cannot. I remember watching some lawyer’s expertise talk on a video platform my mom paid for and he was like “writers write despite everything.” I literally can’t fucking do that. I think everyone thinks i have more time than I do. The principal for the school im student teaching at wants to put me in the substitute system so I can work “on my off days.” The 2.5 days I’m not in the classroom i am either at work or in class. Im in student government. I volunteer. What fucking off days. The weekend?? When you’re not open?? BFFR. Idk how I’m going to make up the two snow days we had. Lying, probably. Idk if this is sustainable but i don’t know what my other option is. Everything is too expensive.

I need to buy a pill holder for my Ritalin/caffeine pills/pain killers. I just need to find one with labels bc im an idiot.

The little stuff keeps falling through the cracks and becoming big stuff. I think i need to make a notion page where I track how often things actually take and rate their energy usage bc this is becoming a problem. I just cannot girlboss and work nonstop for 12 hours. My brain literally cannot handle that.

I need to sleep more. But to do that i need to do enough “non-necessary things” to give my brain a break.

I really need my Ritalin back. I was not super regulated to begin with, but the Ritalin helped so fucking much. I could get everything done and sleep at a reasonable time bc my brain was sufficiently worn out in all areas. Im self medicating with caffeine rn but Jesus Christ i want my meds back.

Anyway. My goals for February are to track expenses weekly (sun-sat) and do daily habits in my notebook and not notion bc i constantly forget to do that shit. We’ll see. I wish i was better at this stuff & i wish i was more forgiving with myself & i wish i didn’t feel the need to be The Best all of the time.

[ninjaghostdev]

ADHD.

It's undiagnosed, but im 99.9999999% sure I've got this.

It never really caused much of a problem until a I swear just this past year. I'm used to getting overwhelmed by the ever moving goal post of things I need to do in order to do the one thing I'm trying to set out to do. I'm used to my brain never shutting the hell up and at least always having a background track of the chorus of some random song playing on repeat all day every day.

But then I started to notice a stutter. One that didn't used to be there. It's been happening more and more lately I noticed.

Of course I looked it up to see causes, and what should be near the top of the list but good ol' ADHD.

I had always been suspicious, but that pretty much sealed the deal for me.

Im a creature of chaos seeking order and logic, as opposed to a creature of habit and familiarity. I do not know what it's like to sit back and enjoy anything without my mind racing 30 different ways, with maybe not even one of those ways being in any way productive. I fidgit, I'm constatly shifting and moving around, and maybe if i'm lucky these days... I can be productive doing something I enjoy.

Maybe, for a brief moment, get lost in it.

Ok. So, i'm pretty sure I have it. So what to do about it? This is my quandry.

Do I seek official diagnosis? Get prescribed whatever ADHD is treated with these days (is it still ritalin?)?

Do I seek unofficial self actualization and defer to my own treatments?

Do I know if anything will work?

If there was a way to calm my mind down, and allow me to focus better, I just wonder what amazing things I could accomplish. Clean the house? Maybe. Write that renderer? Boy that'd be amazing. Publish a framework? That'd be awesome. Make a game? That'd be a bucket list item come true.

Or would it turn me into a drooling vegetable, wasting away, watching family guy to pass the time?

What path do I take?

What path do I WANT to take?

I don't know.

[earlyspringtranscendence]

i wish betting on wrestling was like a thing because while i would never win if i bet on anything else (am bad at recognising patterns that actually mean anything) i would cash in soooooo much because i can ALWAYS tell when a jericho feud���s gonna run way too long again 😌